#AND IF I DO THIS IM SO SO LIKELY TO MEET MORE PPL LIKE THOSE AT MY WRITING PROGRAM | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

puppppppppy · 1 year ago

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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

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bunnyboy-juice · 3 months ago

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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner

#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr #me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel #and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need #space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time #but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single #Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was #much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh #i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups #and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that #definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him #its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh #cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did #like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess #guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here #and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno #we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff #that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting #i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it #i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu #anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu #publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago #n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus #being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the #stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)

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skunkes · 1 year ago

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what they dont tell you about being incredibly introspective is that you'll think you're done making realizations and then you'll just make more realizations always all the time forever

#dude. guess who just found out the reason he's incapable of imagining himself in a good relationship #is bc he's never witnessed any growing up.#my parents dont have a relationship i would want #only one of my siblings is married and her husband sucks. other has never dated while ive been alive (im much younger)#+ my other sibling had. a strange relationship i wont mention details of but this was also like 5 yrs ago and he hasnt dated since #i have very few close friends and none of them dated as we grew up either #or even with some its like. i wldnt want your relationship lol...#the only Good relationships i see are online from ppl i follow. and then i cant trust em bc we only see the Good Parts #so like. do they even exist... i dont think so....#if i wasnt starved for physical touch id consider throwing in the towel permanently #but idk maybe ill buy one of those pillows with the arms that wrap around you #and a few more **** and try and cope with it in kenland or al's farm forever #talkys #im still 100% serious about ppl who have good relationships being lucky bc i feel like #the chances of finding someone you mesh with and are attracted to and can communicate with. are so slim.#i can barely ever find someone meeting one of many requirements. i can barely make friends. etc

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icewindandboringhorror · 1 year ago

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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

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milkbreadtoast · 1 year ago

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DUNMESHI EP 3 WAS SOOOO BEAUTIFUL OMG THE ANIMATION WAS SO GOOD😭😭😭 LAIOS IS SO CUTE I LOVE HIM... hes so smart... one of the most likeable male anime protags ive seen in a while... 1 of the most likeable protags period tbh anyway hes good🥺

#i usually get attached to side/supporting charas more than the protags so it means a lot that 1 of my fav charas is laios rn #(and yeseo for twsb)...#their common point: hungry LHDSKHD /j #basically what this means is im going to enjoy dunmeshi a lot bc im not just tolerating the boring protag dcgddfgd #cant wait to meet other charas too KABRU WHENNNNN #most excited to meet kabru i like his design a lot #also its cool to see laios like thinking and reasoning a lot while fighting...#like a lot of shounen(which is what ive watched most of) protags r just act first think later which is fine i like those too #but i feel like its more rare to see one be a thinker™️. esp one that looks himbo coded like laios tbh #like yea hes really not a himbo as ppl said... Good #cant believe i thought laios was gonna be boring when i first saw his design yrs ago... boring generic white boy...#hes actually funny moe white boy.#HES SO ENDEARING... i can already tell he has a lot of good leadership skills/qualities too #his crazy eyed monster fanboying moments are sooo. cute... moe...#i also unfortunately find him v handsome. gh... dont look at me...#its the droopy eyes... why do all my favs have droopy eyes rn is that my type now... sigh #ALSO YEA THE ANIM THIS EP WAS SO BEAUTIFULLL I KEPT MARVELING AT THE VARIETY OF INTERESTING SHOTS #AND THE MOVEMENT AND DETAIL ANDD EVERYTHING #ALSO I HEARD HAYAMI SAORI AS FALIN OMG ITS PERECT 🥺🥺🥺#dunmeshi liveblog

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spaciebabie · 11 months ago

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I saw Springtrap submitted to a mosterfucker confessions blog and I immediately thought of you, even though I know it's not likely it was you who sent it dsafd The ask in question mentioned how there was a thrill to the one on one cat and mouse game he played in fnaf 3

true. true. although im less of an enjoyer of that since i dont find him that scary (some art does a really good job! but even in those instances my reaction is quite...uhhh carnal XD). also . he would be nicies 2 me :3

#he would try and kill me at first and it would be awesome cuz hed lose so bad lmao #decrepit old thing.#i only really enjoy the cat and mouse thing under certain circumstances. if it starts 2 get too intense its not really enjoyable for me sdk #''ooh!! imma getcha!!'' done playfully or with the knowledge that he doesnt wanna hurt me is fine but #if i start ta feel like im actually in danger its a turn off skfjsdf #props ta those who do enjoy it though!! i just like being treated kindly more often #i think initially meeting him would be where that mostly happened and thats fun but after that no #like i dont mind initially being hunted b/c hes lost his mind or whatever and cant even comprehend reality #thats really hot ngl but only short term. or like briefly.#idk how 2 explain this lolllll my tastes are very specific #spacie splains #top 10 reasons why i never read any springtrap stuff on ao3 theres. so much violence and noncon and i #am very much not in2 it #again no shame ta ppl who enjoy it its just.....not for me

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lixbf · 6 months ago

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ive been playing so much hades 2 atp i feel like the first Big early access patch is gonna legit change my life....

#SPOILER WARNING FOR THE TAGS SKIP IF YOU RLY DONT WANNA KNOW MORE ABT HADES 2 #omgggg once the surface path gets an update..... more stuff being there after you defeat eris... getting to olympus maybe??!??!#also a new weapon being added like im excited already #i keep imagining like what if when you get closer to olympus you can actually meet some of the gods?? (maybe even like ares or athena hhhh)#and omg whos gonna be the guardian of the area after eris #and whos gonna be the idk-the-name-for-whatever-arachne-and-echo-are of that area???#i kinda hope its another witchy person bc so far for the surface those ppl have been some kind of witch/sorceress #idk who that could be tho..... is cassandra witch-adjacent??#ok so you need that time sand (which you get from chronos) and entropy (which youre gonna get from the surface) for the dissolution of time #so which figure from greek mythology would make sense as someone youd get entropy from (i have no idea im only like 5 pages into the iliad)#im just so excited for everything theyre gonna do w this game #going back to the next surface area stuff. ive been making myself get used to seeing eris not as the final guardian #aka i cant almost die to her bc that would severely fuck up the rest of that run once theres more after her #and i cant pick the knucklebones for her bc theres gonna at least one more guardian after her who may be more difficult so i gotta save that #also im slowly but surely getting all the keepsakes to the highest level #also trying to get as many of the prophecies as possible rn and why are two of the chaos blessing so so difficult to get #kinda makes me wish their keepsake would idk make chaos gates spawn more often or smth like that....#bc then id have Some chance to get a chaos gate after i actually have a duo boon gndvcndhdb #also i gotta let some random enemies kill me more often if i see a gate so maybe i can get that other blessing idk.....

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dorkicon · 1 year ago

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bitching abt my job again

tags contain frank mentions of transphobia and homophobia

#this happened like. i dont know. a month ago or something but i still keep playing it in my mind #for those unawares: theres been a fucking community outrage over the pride display at the library i work at #and have been working/volunteering at for 5 years #only it never went up. it never went up. bc the mayor came in as a quote unquote private citizen and demanded it taken down #despite the fact that patrons are required to fill out complaint sheets and even then it isnt ensured a display will be taken down #so obviously its a misuse of power that hes spinning into him being a concerned citizen #and i made a whole post bitching abt it and im doing so again (hi) bc i didnt like how our director responded to it #and yeah. so there was a board meeting after that right. well i set up for them as i usually do and let me tell you. that was the first #--time more than like 6 people came to spectate. it was insane.#and i guarantee that this months meeting wont have half as many people that fucking crammed themselves in there to complain abt gay ppl #bc of course they dont give a shit about the library #they just care about how scary the queers are #and yeah it was a shit show. i learned we have a far right organization in our town #and i was sat right in front of her husband the whole time #(standing actually. i was standing between him and my moms chair and he was sighing and grumbling the whole time bc he couldnt muster the #--balls to ask the 5 foot 2 fag in front of him to please move lol. small victories right)#when i say her i mean the leader of the freaks. idk. chairman? anyway she had a whole speech about how like queers are bad and cutting #the penises off little babies or whatever and she pulled up this passage from a book that was part of the display #its some book by the youtuber rowan ellis-- here and queer i think was the title. it was cataloged in our ya section and contained passages #talking about like having safe sex and what dildoes are and all that kind of shit. just really clinical descriptions imo. im not familiar w #--the youtuber really but im assuming they wrote it as informational bc shocker: teens be having sex. unsafe sex. especially queer teens #sourse: i was one of tgose #and...think for a moment. remember when you were a teen. youd rather fucking DIE than listen to your parents give you the sex talk #and chances are if youre gay your parents arent even going to know WHAT gay sex is (hugging without shirts on) so youre going to look #--elsewhere #bc if youre a hormonal fucking teen youre going to figure it out one way or another! especially if youre from (cough) a podunk shitwater #--town like mine that ran on abstinence by way of sex education #i think teens deserve to have access to that sort of information through trusted means. and i do mean het teens too #but no these fucking morons put on airs like everyones waiting till marriage--no! not my becky sue! as if they werent fucking around in #--holy shit i reached taglimit. i didnt ecen know there was one. hold on

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vogelmeister · 9 months ago

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been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

#i love them but im gonna explain #i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did #but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes #i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now #in healthcare no less #but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad #im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts #like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no #and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face #even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said:#i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too #bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall #bc i feel we don’t do this any more #i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go #i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her #bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort #my other situation is my childhood best friend #i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me.#it comes from a place of knowing me for so long #and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins #but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis #even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins #bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st #like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup #even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back #bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me #and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it #but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back #i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag #idk its a lot. thank u for listening

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sweetsweetbumblebee · 1 year ago

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unrelated but i DO kinda feel guilty for my little crush for reasons i will not explain. but. yeah its wild over here tonight

#🍯#sfw #like he casually mentioned being glad he can have friends who dont expect it to become anything more and i felt ill #so. ill stop having THOSE feelings immediately lol #but i genuinely DO love him as a friend #n he said i was one of the first ppl he felt comfy writing with #and i. am soooo emotional 2night #my friends r so important 2 me and im never gonna say SHIT bc i love him as my friend wayyy 2 much #sorry im saying this here we r just mutuals on my main so. akdhsk #also we were talking abt potential meet ups the other day and i HATE living where i live. everyone else is soo far away #one of my friends is coming 2 the states soon n i will be a 10 hr drive away. thats fuckign miserable #the guy this post was originally abt and 2 of our other friends live close enough that he could drive 2 them. and its the opposite side of #the country #i wanna get 2 meet my friends so fucking BAD #like. i cant put it into words but i wanna give them hugs and see their faces when they smile and akdbdn #when is it MY turn to meet my friends irl #my shark

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

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...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

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bunnyboy-juice · 6 months ago

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blah blah blah blah blah

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dyklopces · 9 months ago

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the thing is that it will literally be fine if I have to retake a phys ed course. but also it will be hell because I don't Want to

#frankie fucks about #missed too much yoga this sem and now im gonna die✌️✌️ i have a meeting w her tomorrow #whwre i have to basically be like “sorry im disabled in the exact waya that make the way you structure this class active difficult ”#AND shes one of those' Exercise will fix everything wrong with you/you just have a bad diet 'ppl #so she WONT be sympathetic to my carpal tunnel making me not want to do this more than i have to and adhd making the consequences not feel #real until i was told im NOF ALLOWED TO MAKE UP IN MAY.#im gonna die. is my point

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hellonoblesky · 1 year ago

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There’s this program I could take that would let me do the last of high school at a college and part of the program is a paid internship and alongside the normal classes are college credit classes but it means I’d have to transfer schools…..

#turtledove yells into the abyss #IM FR STRUGGLING HERE.#BC LIKE I ADORED MY SUMMER ART PROGRAM AND THE PEOPLE THERE #AND IF I DO THIS IM SO SO LIKELY TO MEET MORE PPL LIKE THOSE AT MY WRITING PROGRAM #AND THE CLASS SIZES ARE AMALLER AND WED WORK WITH PROFESSORS AND AND!!!#COLLEGE CREDITS!!!! INTERNSHIP!!!! IT WOULD GIVE ME SO MUCH AND EASE SO MUCH OF MY STRESS!!!!!!!#But like . I don’t know what I’d do w/o my friends there with me :(#It’s one thing to be gone for a month in the summer but it’s a whole other to switch schools…..

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axellis-archv-2 · 2 years ago

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a moment abt overhalliday if you dont mind but its in the tags bc im embarrassed sowwy..

#its like its like . sorry everything ive drawn/written up in this point is like not even kidding like maybe 2 years into the timeline #that i have in my brain #butlike in the early stages hes like . well . well hes an asshole #likehes . of the opinion that the world is always out to Get Him in a sense so hes very closed off && treats every interaction as if its an #exchange && that if he gives as minimal as possible then he doesnt potentially owe anybody anything #but at the same time deep down he cares So Much to the point that sometimes it can hurt so he runs a mechanic shop for absolutely free #bc it both helps those in need && he probably doesnt owe anybody anything . except running a shop costs $$#so he goes into the only thinghe can even see himself doing which is underground dirtywork . delivering packages w ransoms etc #he doesnt do Mercenary work per se or assassinations bc that could earn him enemies && he doesnt want enemies #at the end of the day he just wants to be left alone #he develops the healing heatgun at some point && starts being like a very respected engineer to the point that now a lott of people talk #but like everybody also talks about his bad attitude bc he just fixes you up && then tells you to gtfo #in my head if we're going into Actual Canon hed probably meet ramattrα via ram like . hiring him outright for a job #bc someone recc'd halliday && one of the points that probably intrigued him was halliday refusing to be paid for mechanic/healing jobs #the only services he wanted money on was if he was doing “other labor” && ramattrα probably wanted to test && see if this was true #&& like sure enough doing an examination at his workshop just had him to be told to leave once halliday was done #but then being asked to accompany him on a mission halliday was like “Thats where it starts costing”#etc etc etc im sorry for the long ramble in the tags .#sorry to the ppl who click “more” on the tags && get met w this #📗 my post #🎆 ramattrα #🧯 overhalliday (s/i)#<- there his special little tag

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beeseverywhen · 1 year ago

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god the duality between 'I don't want someone in my house' and 'yeah I'd like my own kids and no way I'm doing that alone'

#like ppl who don't want kids should be free to live their lives without ppl being like 'watch out! your biological clock is ticking!'#that's bullshit ppl shouldn't say that. but also. i would like kids and #after so many years trying not to get pregnant and that seeming like a worst case scenario. so desperately wanting to not become my parents #now i am an age where I'd happily have a kid if i were in the right life situation & i don't feel I've got all the time in the world anymore #lol like. the space in between 'too young to have a baby' and 'old enough that i risk more health issues/ will be an older parent'#feels way way narrower than i ever would have assumed lol. esp. because all the parents in my family are so young. the idea of being an #older parent is so strange to me. I'm so aware of the things you can't do when you're older and how it's harder work to run after them #and like my body is already wearing out way faster than anyone elses. my health's only gonna get worse so.#being an older parent just doesn't seem an option. not to mention like. the older i am the less generations I'll get to see.#i want to be a great grandmother damnit. lol.#like I'm on a clock. to get over my commitment issues or it legit won't happen. but yeah. can't think of anything worse than having #to have someone in my house. if i was rich enough to have lots of space that's one thing but. I'm not lol.#and rich ppl rub me up the wrong way whenever they try and chat me up so doubt I'm gonna marry in to money looool #like i have come to terms with the fact that. if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. id rather not get to be a mother than to settle #like that whole 'looking for a partner' dating life is not for me i can't think of anything worse. if it happens it happens #I'll either meet the right person who im willing to give up an empty house for or i won't looool #and it's not like im giving up the whole raising kids thing completely.#like I've got to play a significant hand in raising my siblings even if i didn't ask for that. I've got to see them grow and #help them reach those milestones. and whatever the circumstances I'm blessed to have had them in my life #even if i don't have my own kids I'm always gonna have kids in my life even if I'm an aunt rather than grandmother you know #I'm lucky to be in a family where raising kids is a communal thing. but yeah id love to have my own kids & have someone that looks like me #but I'm not willing to bring someone in to the world in non opportune circumstances deliberately.#like if it's up to me i want them to have 2 parents to look out for them and 2 parents that at least stand a chance of liking each other lol

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