#ALSO ALL OF THEIR MOMS REACHED OUT TO ME
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real talk having the 2nd worst new years eve yet 🤢🤢🤢 (throat infection, twisted neck, banged-about-foot, ego AND the rest o' me all bruised like misjuggled peaches 🍑🍑🍑)
im bent outa shape and suspectin the universe owes me 8 buck if anyone wannsa chip in
#yes the 🍑🍑🍑was just an excuse to shove ass emojis in your face i'm only (occasionally. allegedly) human#now ask me about my FIRST worst new year eve. it involves wizards and portals and elaborate lies i make up on the spot#SAD REAL TALK <STARTS>:#also made the mistake of reaching out to my mom post-xmas#like what kind of c-ptsd NOOB does that. what kinda chronic holiday trauma survivor NOVICE??? embarrassing#THE SEDUCTIVE FALSE HOPE OF NOSTALGIA WILL LURE YOU IN EVERY TIME#'oh but maybe they won't disappoint me. but maybe they won't rip my heart out this time'#sweetheart that's your dear sweet inner child's yearning for what never was or will be. BEAT IT BACK WITH A STICK!#SAD REAL TALK <ENDS>#....back to that part where i talked about being bent out of shape#if anyone w/ metalwork skills wants ta take a blowtorch & hammer & tongs & have at... I'm open to experimentation is all im sayin#in lieu of that i would also welcome someone buying me a sandwich. i am. so sore.#(metaphysically sore but also the other more urgent im-at-my-daily-NSAIDs-limit kinda sore)#(hence: sanwimch)#...i got so sleepy writing this i started imagining the astonishing hedonism#of stroking a freshly grilled cheese-dripping sandwhich across my body like a loofah#the soothingness of the gooey warm near liquid cheese. the vaguely spongelike quality of toasted sourdough slice.#look i didn't imagine it on PURPOSE it just came to me like a vision like a threat#like one of those weird mens locker room ads where the sportsball is watermelon??? u know the one#where there's nudity & food & homoerotica & hot steaming showers in the background and STILL the overall effect is more offputting than sex#look i have a throat infection. i can barely swallow. i'm sipping chocolate milk to survive and i'm NOT EVEN ENJOYING IT. each drop is agon#(opposite side of the Tantalus spectrum but i'm suffering more than he has in 3.5 thousand years)#i'm dehydrated. barely conscious. electrolytes are circling down the drain. doctors should be incubating me w/ capri sun straws right now.#I GET A PASS ON THESE TAGS#i don't know what i wrote! and i don't stand by it! and you can't make me read em!!!
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Shout out to my dentist office for being more reliable for wishing me a happy birthday than some of my oldest friends....
#this was gonna be a vague tweet#but they follow my Twitter#and im a coward#good thing they dont follow me on here!!#anyway im kinda pissy#bc its literally 3 of my oldest friends#i reached out to them on their bdays#like ik we dont talk THAT often#but like??#i KNOW they know my birthday#im just kinda???#ALSO ALL OF THEIR MOMS REACHED OUT TO ME#like they obvi have known me forever bc#i was a CHILD when i met their kids#but like#bro weve got 20 min left in my bday#like is thay it?#i know we weren't like besy friends#but is this the end#you cant even reach out to me on my fucking BIRTHDAY#i had someone who i last talked to in 2017 reach out to me today#(like irl)#these used to be my BEST FRIENDS#before life got in the way#im just#God im like angry#i think its valid to be amgry#right?#hhhhh i dont know what to feel#ok ive run out of tags whatever
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one time my mom was talking about something, I don’t remember what, and she said “have you ever known the poverty of having nothing to say?” and when I say nothing has ever punctured my heart quite like that statement
#I don’t even fully know why. also I don’t think she even meant it how I took it#but there is just some part of me that does believe that that is the greatest poverty#when there are no words in your mind or heart. no phrases—nothing to rely on or fall back on#and you just have to struggle with the human condition and be able to express none of it#and I know that not everyone uses words like I do or relies on them that way but people need some words. they need something#this is why a) I never make fun of those Instagram accounts that are all cheesy inspirational quotes or whatever because people are trying#they are REACHING#also b) that’s why villains who are wordlessly violently destructive make me cry#because it’s just like—-yeah I can understand turning to violence if I didn’t have expression#if I couldn’t get anything out#also also this is not related but I watched some movie or tv show the other day (and I cannot for the life of me remember which one it was)#but there was this couple on a date and the girl asks him to complete all these proverbs after she gives him the first half#because ‘a man who knows his proverbs can’t be all bad’ and it shook. Me. To. My. CORE.#also also!! this is why I teach! it’s the heart of it for me!! And why I make them memorize poetry. like.#and put quotes on the board every day. like. You will have words and images in your mind and your heart from my class if I have anything#to say about it#anyway sometimes my mom says things and casually devastates me#and I think (I think) she was just talking about the poverty of having no news because nothing is going on#and so you have nothing to share with someone. and she was talking about my Grandma and how sometimes she was just so sullen and quiet#but it’s just because there was nothing to say#anyway anyway anyway that is also why the one time on the phone my grandma said who has known the mind of the Lord —shook me so much#because she never really said anything. words were not her thing and she never quoted anything#and suddenly her saying this line of scripture that said more than any words I’d ever said —one of the defining moments of my life#tbh. anyway this is very long I’m sorry. I have woken up this morning crying about this. idk.
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not me listening to SNOWFLAKES on loop cuz it's low-key my favorite p4 song and realizing the lyrics like perfectly encompass yu's feelings about inaba and his friends and having to leave.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT. UGHHHHHH. THE PAIN OF HAVING MEDIA COMPREHENSION SKILLS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
#puppy rambles#persona 4#p4#yu narukami#investigation team#literally only the first two lines are purely about winter-#the rest of it is yu's feelings about having to leave his friends and how much he loves it in inaba#:((( /pos#the “this friendship it was built to last line” is what really gets me tbh. and the “treasured place” which is obviously inaba#possibly the junes food court specifically#also similarly heartbeat‚ heartbreak is seemingly meant to be reflecting yu's feelings about adachi being the killer#idk how your affection fits into this at all if it does#not overworld songs but reach out to the truth is just about p4's themes. same with pursuing my true self#and i assume shadow world but idk the lyrics#heaven is nanako's feelings after her mom's death. being alone so often and whatnot#and time to make history is. there i guess? it's good but i don't think it really reflects a lot of stuff in its lyrics-#i prefer reach out to the truth cuz of that. and just cuz it bops esp the second half in the reincarnation version#there might be something i'm missing with it and your affection though the lyrics don't really feel like they fit but. might be missing smth#admittedly not always great at more implied stuff. autism 😔
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#i realized i have not been tagging my recent posts. that is because they are bad and not good#it doesn't really matter because the same like 3 people like my posts regardless of whether or not i tag them (love u guys)#so i figured i'd stop clogging up the tags 😭♥️#fyi if i start getting weird my mom and therapist and psychiatrist all think i am having a manic episode so. 👍#< stayed up until 3am last night disassembling roller skate wheels#i was taking out the bearings and it was sooo hard i had to use a lighter to loosen them#and my hands hurt from gripping the screwdriver so hard wahhhhh 😭😭😭#i also want new skates (i want a pink pair 😍) but i need to sell some of my old skates first so i dont lose all of my 🤑 schmoney#UGH i need to shut up. but talking in the tags is so fun. it's like nobody can hear me. except u guys probably can 😕#so anyway im just going to use the tags to talk about god knows what instead of yknow. extending the reach of my posts
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the hunger strike is working 😭😭😭 my internet is back on
#I don’t have an apology yet but I think if I hold out I’ll get one lmao!!!#she turned the internet back on and didn’t even tell me she reached out to my dad (who is at work) to be like does dora know I turned it on#we are playing mind games with each other and my poor father is in the middle lmao#anyway I feel like if I hold out I just might get my apology. or as close to an apology as I’m likely to get considering#my mom knows she’s in the wrong she just won’t admit it#the situation is so complicated like my mom is not usually like this but tiktok and facebook reels got to her#when she was at her most vulnerable and. yeah#tiktok and facebook my ENEMY I do not recognize that woman now they have rotted her brain#so has evangelical christianity but that’s a whole other thing all on its own#also to be clear. it’s not a real hunger strike. I am just not coming out of my room. I have things to eat here I promise#im just not telling my family that lmao#delete later
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:c
#i luv my friends ;-; i feel like i’m gonna lose my mind when i’m not living right by all my friends lmao 😭#i’ve literally been hanging out w ppl like at least every other day if not every day#we made semi spontaneous plan to go to pride tmrwwweww 🥹🥹 i’m excited#i just am so happy that i get to spend sm time w ppl rn bc we’re all somewhat free bc summer 😭#also idk i was just thinking abt this recently but like#it’s kinda new to me to like actually be comfortable/confident in knowing my friends want/like my presence ;-;#even then i’m not that confident LMAO bc after sm time together i’m like surely they’ll get sick of me#like we’ve seen each other every day the past like three days#but no 🥹 ugh like idk man i had one elementary to sort of middle and high school friendship#that like fucked me up i feel like lmfao 💀#like girl sidelined me so much for other friends that i just#:l and cried so much bc of that 😀 anyway 😀#so like idk i’m just so grateful rn 😭😭😭#also was thinking abt it recently bc my mom made me feel judged/ made me feel like she was annoyed that i was staying here on campus#when i technically don’t need to and my main/only reason is bc friends#and after that conversation w her i got kinda annoyed bc i was like#i have had so many conversations w you where i was sad af or frustrated that my friends wouldn’t reach out to me ever#or my friend who never paid attention to me when other friends were around#like i don’t think she’s actually judging like me staying for friends but it was that one conversation we were both kinda annoyed idk#and i was just like . pls#anyway 😀 i always have so many friend thoughts i always be overthinking it LOL#anyway anyway i need to be up in like 6 hrs LOLLLLLL pride tho yay 🥰🥰🥰#rip me not having clean cute clothes for this LOL 🤪#ong last yr i tied my hair in a ponytail w like rainbow hair ties tied down the ponytail……#idk if i have those but if i do maybe i should do that again LOL#idk might be too lazy tho we’ll see how much time i have to get ready when i wake up 🤡#jeanne talks#TOO MUCH BYE
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i love choi yeonjun so much
#recently ive been thinking about him more than usual. hes like my biggest role model and my biggest inspiration#hes just. hes everything#DO YOU GET ME#i love his confidence that never wavers. even when he was still working on his dream he truly believed he could achieve it#he loves himself and knows his worth and i wish i could reach that level of confidence one day#and even if he's so confident. he's also an extremely grateful and humble person !!#he never takes things for granted and he's really down to earth too#he just has the perfect balance of confidence and humility that i wish i could find too#and !!! i love his mindset so much. he values growth and constant improvement#and he (and well all of txt) helped me value hard work because dude the passion that they have for what they do is so inspiring#and his motto being 'be the only one not the best one'. that just shows everything#he's just so incredibly inspiring i don't know how he's real#all the trainees and idols looking up to him are so real for that because how could anyone know of him and not just be awestruck#his mom nicknamed him 'healing' and that's so true. he really is healing#i have no idea how hes real. i don't even plan on becoming an idol ever but hes just my role model too#he just has the purest heart and such a good mindset and through him i learned i want to be like that too#HE IS MY ROLE MODEL. DO YOU GET IT. I LOVE HIM SO MUCHM DO YOU GET IT.#ok i just had to vent that out i love choi yeonjun so much <3
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...
#its seems we really may be at the end of vanity#i missed a call from my dad and thought we might be in a connors birthday situation but no. not yet#he did say that it feels like this is it bc my mom's situation is complicated bc she has so much wrong at this point#its like a h0use md episode. the doctors dont seem to kno what to do and shes not very coherent#so my dad was saying that i should look at flights and by tonight hell let me kno if i should pull the trigger and buy a one way ticket home#it sucks. he sounds rough. i feel so bad for him. his wife of 29 years is dying#its not fair. shes only 53#i wanna be there but im stuck here across the country. i wanna go home. thats a bit frighting tho bc itll take me at least 10 hrs to travel#and i dont want her to die while im in the air but i also dont want her to suffer#i hope she gets better but if she doenst i hope its fast. there dont seem to do any good options. shes so tried and its so complicated#and if she does get better than this then what would that even mean? my sister says it doesnt feel like there will b a better anymore after#this. and bless her to the ends of the earth she reached out this morning and was giving me updates#comforting to kno im not just being dramatic. its actually just really bleak#its kinda funny tho. my sister was like meh it doesnt seem so bad and then like 10min later she was like yeah no i was wrong its sorta#horrible apprently shes been deterorating#god. if i go back home do i take clothes for a funeral? do i keep up to date with my genomics class? will i become offset from my graduate#cohort? will i get my wish to play with legos at home? all questions worth considering#well. ill deal with whatever comes. so it goes. itll b fine. i mean ill b fine#just sad ya kno?#three weeks ago she was alright and saying she could fly out to take care of me after oral surgery#now shes dying#unrelated
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i always forget i have Healthcare System Anxiety until i have to interact with The Healthcare System and immediately just start screaming internally for days
#my mom obliterated her bones and the pre-surgery surgery post-surgery experience. the ER situation. moving 2 the woods#this is a vent post i forget my complaining tag#waited 30 mins for an ambulance & when we called back they were like ''yeah it hasnt been assigned to anyone & might be hours''#so i drove her to the ER with a migraine & ran over some pylons (cool).#stuck in the ER for 9 hours. took 4 hours for anyone to give her any kind of pain management. i caught covid#was supposed to get a call when she was out of her 2 hrs max surgery. was told i could call if i hadn't heard anything#5 hours later i called and was transferred 6 times - told she had been discharged - told she had never been registered at that hospital -#yelled at by a nurse for asking for patient information - eventually got the right department and was told oh yeah sorry she's in recovery#was supposed to find out if she could come home or not in 30 mins. 3 hours later theyre like OK come get her#i show up and the doors to that wing are. locked? and no one's there to unlock them?#apparently i was supposed to pick up the wall phone? and call a code they hadn't given me? spent 30 mins getting help from other department#to GET THEM TO OPEN THE DOORS. FREE HER RELEASE HER#finally i get in and she's OK SHES FINE except morphine doesn't work on her so that's. fine. bodies are good to have#we have reached shrimp colours levels of anxiety i am a walking talking stress migraine but she's doing ok. but holy fuck#kayvswords#also like she's black and all of her nurses and doctors have been white so feeling normal about all of it all around
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Never try to be """"supportive"""" as my mother does
#she keeps reminding me I'm alone piece of shit#'you have to reach out of people instead of being so withdrawn'#this is fucking terrible because I do what I can FROM years and thanks for reminding me it all goes for nothing 👍👍👍#even if some people tolerate me I just feel like a spare part#it's always like there's a group of people who are great friends and honesty nothing really bad happens if I would dissapear#because I'm always like a passenger#my mom told me also that I'm going to be bitter old maid if I won't change#thanks I know it 👍 but I'm already old bitter maid lol#'I know you're in spectrum but even autistic people have friends and raise a family'#thanks for reminding me that even as autistic I'm unworthy peace of shit#yes I told her that I don't want to talk with her about all of this but she kept talking and made me feel even more terrible#and this is being 'SUPPORTIVE' according to her!!!#i want to fucking cry
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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I started reading Lord of the Rings (bought Fellowship of the Ring like… last spring but never got around to starting) and I’d just like to say. Holy fuck what a slow book. You mean to tell me I’m over a hundred pages in and this man is only just leaving the Shire? Sign me up for MORE I love this shit. Tolkien said “I will take exactly as much time as I want to describe things and you will like it”. AND I DO
#i can already tell this is the sort of thing that’s going to be so good I’ll never recover from it#I’ve watched the movies like casually-in-the-background a couple times so I know the approximate plot#(they often run on TV somewhere around Christmas and New Year’s in Sweden so they’ve been on more than twice)#but there’s so much detail here that’s just… missed out on… in the films#Or I forgot about it lmfao#Either way loving the book detail#And also reading a book for the first time in months i told my mom id been reading today and she was like YOURE READING?!#It’s part of my social media healing process. Forcing me to like… sit down and take shit in#Used to DEVOUR books when I was younger#Just Kinda Stopped at some point (much like every other former gifted kid)#But it’s a well missed moment of escapism and calm and centering myself. meditative almost#I find lotr to be good also because it’s like… a little heavy. You can read a chapter and then sit with it for a little while#Im not quite reaching the heavy cliffhangers yet either#Each chapter feels pretty concluded#It’s a healthier reading method I feel than the ‘devour in one night then don’t read for 6 months’ thing I did in high school#the few times i DID sit down to read a book#God damn those are some long tags#z talks#not horse game#I feel so late to the party because I always see all these people enjoying lotr ;-; its so established and here am i….#but alas
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you know what I’ve realized lately? that’s really helped? the axiom: it just doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Or at least it doesn’t when you’re talking about good things and not, like, doing good vs. doing evil. Big choices, little choices, decisions, decisions —it’s not just that they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things—because they do! —but just. It won’t make that big of a difference. Life will continue to be wonderful AND difficult, fascinating AND hopelessly mundane, full of roses AND thorns and all the other cliches whether you walk down one road or another. And you’ll get used to the joys and sick of the sorrows whatever they are, and you’ll be ungrateful and bored and dissatisfied in some measure some of the time and you’ll have to work on all the things you have to work on anyways and just. Yeah! It doesn’t make that big of a difference! Even the biggest things!
#as Maria once said to me iconically: marry the guy don’t marry the guy#life is hard and it sucks and it’s also great and little treats exist#and we have to practice patience and virtue and penance regardless of any other circumstances#and God loves us no matter the path we take#like I just. I am reflecting#you know what also made this click for me recently? the limits that can be reached with doing little things to improve your life#like YES. I need to get some exercise and eat some food that is not totally terrible for me and clean my space#but you know the fuck WHAT#(I’m so sorry for swearing)#it doesn’t !!! actually !!!!! dramatically alter my life if I do one thing or another or in a certain order#I could become a fanatical hiker (for some reason I have been seized by the vision of this lately)#and it’s just like. well. yes you could. and you know what it would keep raining sometimes and my anxiety would still exist#and people would still be irritating and laughter would still be real!#anyway I don’t mean to be dismissive over the ways choices can deeply affect our lives#but when the choices are good and the options are good it just doesn’t matter that much#I also realized this with makeup lol. like I reached the point where I was like I could spend more time and effort and money#to achieve a higher level quality of appearance and literally for WHAT#people would still not pay attention to me in the grocery store (lol)#and they don’t need to!!!!! and it’s fine they don’t!!!!!!!#but I just. that voice in my head that’s like if you do X you will experience happiness you have never known#and things will all work out and everyone will be in love you#to that voice I say: well no.#wow this is long but you know what I mean????? it all just sort of matters less in the sense that nothing WE do is going to really#change our lives? I know that’s insane#because people are so insistent that the opposite is true. but like. actually no the most life changing opportunities usually happen#without our control or our scheming or our planning#so of the stuff within our control it’s not that big of a deal!! do good avoid evil enjoy your lunch call your mom!!! but that’s all gonna#keep being the same on the other side of so many many different choices we can make#so yeah
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✨Rant in the tags✨
#theres no murder unfortunately#but wowieee do i wish it was meeee#my car's been down for the last week which sucks because of all the driving i have to do#but then!! get this#my mom goes to the hospital which gives me full reign of her car right?? right#but my SISTERS car ALSO goes down so thats a list of another driving responsibilities cause she has a baby i cant let her and the bby walk#its cold now after all#but whoops guess whose car goes down now?? my MOMs#how fun how sweet how hilarious#oh and the warranty on that car?? expired. its donezo actually. donezo garbagio#and its thr ENGINE thats the problem ✨#the only good news is that my brother's off for the next couple of days and my car should be done by the end of today#and hopefully my warranty SHOULD cover the cost of my car but who tf knows any more!!#i already have a mystery mousekatool called a secret ticket to pay for come Friday and i have no fucking idea if i can get it#and i can't ask my mom for help because hospital and outta work#and i cant ask my dad cause he footed the entire bill of my wheel coming off#and as a cherry on top i rn feel like my friends as a collective hate me and the spiral im currently in is NOT taking criticism rn#so even if i DID reach out guess who's gonna feel like a burden that inconvenienced people rather than find it reassuring#youre right unfortunate reader (if you've gotten this far) this dumbass exclusive ✨#honestly i wanna take a nap for 4000 years and never wake up#personal#edit:: the repair man is still waiting on the part to be delivered... and the warranty people are closed to veterans day#so like yeah ig i cry instwad
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Man is saying weird things to me again
#help mom he's oversharing about drinking scotch every evening#that's very on brand for Man#tales from diana#i literally did Nothing to reach out to him i don't know what he wants#i was just thinking in the shower literally not even half an hour ago about how you know it's strange#he used to always have this way of talking to me like he was trying to impress me which is just kinda silly honestly#like i was a 20-21-year-old in awe of him and he was a retired male model eight years older than me w more life experience#and some rather exotic and interesting experiences at that#i think he somewhat envies that i seem (at least to him) like a self-possessed 'intellectual'#thats how he talks to me at least. it's funny tho#not that im not. like. smart. i think the both of us know i'm better-read than he'll be in 3 lifetimes#and i'm not quite self-possessed but i certainly don't have the open-wounded insecurity he does#while also being rather more confident than most ppl in some areas (and it's not ALL unearned)#he's got much more ambition than i do though. more ambition than i'll have in 10 lifetimes#and he seems to do everything with a motivation of external validation and approval.#so i think he has a chip on his shoulder. poor little Man#the two of us could not be more opposite. but i don't really strive to be like him in the ways he strives to be like me#he chases this dream of what he thinks the perfect man is and it's quite inhuman so of course he falls short.#i on the other hand am if anything much TOO accepting of my own faults and shortcomings. ahem#these are all things i will never say to Man. he's too silly to hear it#besides. im rather sure he likes me (? in some way) and i am these days just very ambivalent to him#i can't NOT say i find him attractive bc i do but he's just. sooooo not the one lol#he's a fascinating creature all flaws aside but i never find myself studying him at my own volition#Man just comes outta the woods sometimes to tell me about his travels or women or whiskey. he's odd#he's very eccentric but between the two of us i think i'm the better eccentric. no wonder he visits me sometimes#but he brings gifts and prayers like he's coming to a devotional shrine or something. i'm like sir this is not a temple#he'll never be normal but he is so strange in the ways i'm too good for. if i do say so myself#(and that's saying something bc i'm not too good for ANYTHING)
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