#A. i think asexual people are valid and belong in the community

[gnometa233]

No one's licking the boots of everything. Some people just don't like being called slurs because they don't like being called slurs. My decision to not be called queer isn't to appease any allocishet because I know i'm not gonna appease them anyways. I'm a gnc lesbian who's overweight and not conventionally attractive, i'm not gonna fit in anytime soon. My decision is wholly personal, and you denying that myself and others have agency in that opinion is not only homophobic, but inconsiderate, untrue, and childish. There are a lot of things about me that aren't normal; my looks, my neurodivergency, my interests, the way I talk, etc. Being gay is normal. And frankly, you taking my (and millions of other people's) lack of being queer as a personal attack is hilarious.

I'm not queer because that word doesn't fit me, it's derogatory TO ME, and frankly there's too much wiggle room for people to assume i'm attracted to men. And I'm not. And I'm only going to say this once: I DON'T CARE IF YOU CALL YOURSELF QUEER. JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

P.S: learn what the difference between a slur and an insult is because Jew and autistic were used as insults but they're not slurs. Same with gay and lesbian.

Hot take: One of the things at the root of the "q is a slur" discourse is that exclusionists base their activism on expanding the definition of "normal", while inclusionist activism is about destroying the concept of "normal".

I mean of course everyone knows the issue is not queer being a reclaimed slur, gay and lesbian are reclaimed slurs too and no one has any problem with that. Exclusionists single out the word queer because of what it stands for. Because it is ambiguous and inclusive, yes, but also because it says "not normal", it embraces deviating, openly defying normativity, being different.

I've seen "q is a slur" people say that they are specifically against that word because they don't want to be seen as strange, because their fight is about being accepted as "normal". I've had an aphobe tell me people saying "demisexual means normal" is a privilege because actually oppressed people want to be seen as "normal" and me wanting my identity to be acknowledged is oppression fantasy. Apparently to them normalcy is so important that having your identity erased is a good thing.

Queer people are oppressed because the world doesn't see us as normal, and to exclusionists the solution is expanding the box of normalcy to fit themselves into it. To them that's what Really Oppressed people should do, and those of us who embrace queerness are privileged because we want to call ourselves "freaks". To them any identity that is ambiguous or out of the ordinary, be it microlabels, neopronouns, xenogenders, aspec labels, m-spec labels or anything else is too weird and "makes the community look bad", because their activism hinges on allocishet acceptance and anything that doesn't fit in a box and cannot be defined easily is not oppressed enough for their taste.

Tl;dr: the "q is a slur" discourse and obsession with normal is just licking the boots of conformity and exclusionist activism is about fitting into the "normal" of the cisheteronormative world, while inclusionist activism entails defying the oppressive construct of "normal". Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

Exclusionists dni, as always :D

[lo-fag]

good GOD I am so angry.

I, as my bio suggests, am a minor. I am also asexual. And feeling quite dysphoric about all the adults in my life telling me ‘I wouldn’t know until I’ve tried it.’ But that’s a different topic.

I needed a little boost for myself so I looked at the asexual tag here on tumblr, so I’d feel less alone.

There are always thirst traps and other things of that kind on any popular tag. But I saw so many, on the asexual tag, that I actually cried, ripping my skin off as I did so.

There will always be people that abuse the tag system, I know. Tagging your posts with trending tags to make them more likely to show up on people’s dashes is a corporate tactic. But to see so many of these ads, I can barely call them posts, on the asexual tag, made me physically ill.

Asexuality is often overlooked by not just cishets but the LGBTQ+ community so often. To see that a safe space for positivity for such a overlooked community was being vandalised for the sake of marketing makes me so angry and so upset for myself and all the other people who fit under the umbrella of asexuality or aromantic who just want to feel like they belong.

I’m a relatively new blog, but I know how tumblr works. I know how the world works. The way the world is run means that we are all victims, and I thought that maybe society, that damned, twisted thing, could let us have a little corner to protect ourselves.

All it does is hurt. it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts. Companies aren’t going to get new customers by ripping apart supposed safe spaces, and young asexual kids like myself aren’t going to get any validation or even feeling of home from seeing thirst traps targeted toward our community.

our community that is SPECIFICALLY DEFINED BY FEELING DIFFERENT OR NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO WHAT IS DEEMED ‘NORMAL’.

it’s targeted. I can tell. And I am by no means an expert, but this tag abuse is hurting everyone. And no one is doing a thing about it.

please boost this. Reblog, like, whatever. This is damaging people far more than you think, and it needs to be resolved.

thanks for hearing me

[ugly-anarchist]

Why is it that when I talk about a personal experience involving alloarophobia perpetuated by an asexual, people are very quick to go "No! That person wasn't ace! They were just lying to troll you! They just wanted their argument to seem more valid!"

Like... no. There's plenty of aces that fully, 100% think alloaros don't belong in the aspec community. There's aces that have some absolutely rancid takes about aros. There's aces who actively speak over aros about our issues and act like authorities on aromantic stuff despite not being aromantic themselves. There's aces who use us as scapegoats. There's aces that view aromantics as sad losers or psychopathic monsters. There's aces that believe romantic love is what redeems sexuality and makes someone a good person/human.

You wanna know why there are aces like this? Because they're not aromantic or they're not alloaro. Because society deems these views to be correct and they have no reason to unlearn it, especially because in some cases it benefits them.

Like, I get it. You wanna believe the aspec community is just acceptance, peace, and happiness for all, but people are still people. People can be cruel, people can be hateful, people can have cognitive dissonance so strong it burns away all their braincells and they just parrot their own oppression back to other even less acceptable identities because they want to feel better about themselves.

These people exist, stop saying they don't.

[leftsidebonfire]

WELP. It's Pride month.

And it kind of takes a bit for me to actually post this sort of thing. I know I've already posted about my sexuality here before, and nothing has chanced. I'm still Ace and experimenting, questioning, and learning. And there sure is a lot to learn about myself.

Its a tough sort of thing to post, as I feel like I shouldn't quite "belong" under the LGBT+ umbrella. After all, my sexulaity is more like no sexuality at all. I feel like there's no one community I fit into. That's part of the issue though, isn't it? There is a place for me, and I feel unworthy of it.

Because what if I don't mean it after all? I love to read and write and consume and create sexual things, and I do have fantasies, so what if I'm not Ace? What if I'm just a fraud, what if I haven't figured it out, what if everyone else can see right through it and they all know I'm not? Like everyone else is in on some kind of secret but me.

And yet when I say it to myself, I'm Ace, it feels right. I'm asexual. I don't want sex. I don't like sex. It all feels so right for me to say. Because I am. And I do.

Its a journey. A complicated one. Not without its troubles I often just keep to myself, but when I start to feel like it's all just some big joke and I can't possibly be right about it, I say it back to myself again. I'm Asexual. I am Asexual. And there are people out there like me who get it. And I think somewhere deep down, Im pretty sure I always knew.

Thanks for reading. You're valid. Happy Pride.

[animarret]

Ranting about aroace exclusionists a bit: tl:dr my issue is not even the exclusion at this point, it's the lack of respect for ace and/or aro experiences and identity.

Saw one of those whole "should aces belong in queer spaces" debates making the rounds and it got me thinking about some exclu points like. Notably one I kept seeing was along the lines of not feeling safe in queer spaces with "straight" people and like. Okay. We have different ideas of queerness but I sympathize with the sentiment even if I disagree. But it got me thinking about how, if a space is mostly exclusionist towards aces and aros... why would we (aces and/or aros) be there anyway?

Like, I as a queer person (nonbinary and romantically ??? Something not straight) and also as an ace, I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a space like that, even if my more acceptably queer identities were fine there. Because in my experience exclus, kind or not, aren't understanding enough of ace experiences to where I could see that part of me being accepted enough to be open about it.

If any exclus read this for whatever reason: are you as normal about aces and aros as you think? Do you *actually listen* to us? Bc most I've encountered 1) don't have pretty basic definitions of identities on those spectrums correct (aromantic is never mentioned? Gray or demi labels? Hell half the time the definition of ace is wrong), and by extension downplay and dismiss ace and aro experiences. Not even just about like, people being bullied or the more oppressive experiences like that. But like, do you realize that being ace and/or aro can just affect everyday shit?? Shows and movies I like and why are affected by this. The way I practice my religion is affected by my aceness. It is, in fact, an important part of me that is reflected in everything I do. And AVEN is a website, guys. Cmon.

My point is, why would I waste time in a space where the people (no matter how many times you say "aces are valid!!! Just not lgbt") consistently show a complete lack of care or willingness to actually learn about or understand mine and other's experiences? Why would I feel comfortable or safe, even, being in a group that not only doesn't understand asexuality, but isn't willing to try (as friends, comrades, community, etc) to understand me, as an asexual person?

I'm not invading exclu lgbt spaces because I have better friends and allies than that. I have better places to be.

And if you're exclusionist and me asking/saying these things bothers you, maybe make a better effort to be allies to aces and aros. Because for all your talk about us and your valid posts I don't see you making an effort for us. Do better!! Prove me wrong!! Make me eat my angry words!! Want us out? Support ace and aro spaces then! Get our fucking words right! Listen to us!

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi there! How are you doing? I have some questions, well, a rant *plus* some questions.

I feel... safer with allo allies than I do with aro/ace communities (online). Does that make me aphobic/bad? I don't go by labels because for me, they're not necessary. If I *were* to label myself based purely on definitions, I would be aroace, specifically, demiromantic asexual. I used to go by this a while back.

I don't fit the stereotype of being aroace at all. I'll talk about the aromantic side. Unlike most arospecs i've seen online, I LOVE Valentine's day! I LOVE shipping! I LOVE consuming romance fiction. I LOVE romance et cetera et cetera and yet I don't experience it like allos do. I need a strong bond with someone in order to fall in love and it takes me really, really, long to do so. But once it happens, my love is not 'weak'. It makes me pass really well as allo because of this, but it makes a lot of people in the aro community mad because I'm 'stealing' a label to 'feel special'. I was always told I was not aroace, that I couldn't be aroace by definition. That I was alloromantic asexual pretending to be on the arospec. That I was too scared to be 'basic'.

On that topic, and I think this is unintentional, but... why is nobody batting an eye when an aro or an ace person shames an allo or calls them weird or basic? Because they're doing exactly what allo aphobes are doing to them. I had this conversation with a friend and he said, 'that doesn't happen, allo people don't get shamed especially by aspec people', yet, I keep seeing things like 'I fucking hate allos so much' and 'To all my aces, we're not like allos, we're better' or something along those lines.

Whenever I enter an aspec online space, I'm made to feel like an intruder because, as I said, my experiences are very similar to the allo experience EXCEPT for the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction unless a strong bond has been formed. I'm not saying the aroace community is bad in any way, don't get my wrong, I'm saying that there is a massive gatekeeping problem going around and so much bubbling hatred and separation, and I don't understand any of it. In a prefect world, I'd happily identify as aroace, but I feel ashamed to do so now.

The gatekeeping... the infighting, I don't want to hate the online community of which I'm supposed to belong but this... this isn't right. The allo allies don't do things like this. They don't make me feel insecure about myself. And yes, while I don't experience romance like an allo would, I feel safe around them. I need to ask, have you seen this too? Have you experienced this? Is this truly all in my head? What do you think?

I apologize for the vent or if I seem aphobic, I just really need answers and I'm tired of the constant hatred... How are you? Did you drink enough water? Did you sleep well today? Did you eat? Again, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this!

Vents are totally welcome, Anon. Don't worry.

I'm really sorry you ran into gatekeeping, Anon. I feel like that's something that's really been on the rise especially over the last couple of years. It's a real issue and it causes a lot of harm. This should go without saying, but demiromantic people are aro, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else on the aro spectrum.

I do think at least part of the problem is social media in general and how things are set up these days. We don't have community spaces as much anymore, in particular we've lost moderated spaces where gatekeepers can be properly dealt with. And there's very little curation or organization. Things are chaotic and fragmented, and one person's experience and what kind of posts they say see may vary wildly from someone else's. There's also a competing needs issue, where one aro may need to vent about romance, another may need their romantic side validated and there's no way to organize so each can find the space they each need.

If finding aro spaces/blogs that are more accepting is important to you, Anon (and it's OK both if it is or isn't), my big advice would be seek out demiromantic blogs and posters specifically. There's some very good ones around and they'll be posting about aro things that are relevant to you, and even more importantly won't be gatekeeping demi identities.

For more aro-general blogs, there are ones out there that are also inclusive and anti-gatekeeping, but it may take a bit of work to find them. Be very liberal with your unfollow and block buttons. If someone is gatekeeping block on sight, but also if they're not posting the type of aro content that you need or want to see, you're allowed to organize things so you don't see their posts. Sometimes unfollowing is enough, but blocking also doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong, it's just a tool to make sure you're not seeing a blog you don't want to see.

For the shaming allos question, I do think it's a complex topic. For me it depends on context. I definitely do not believe in any kind of ace/aro superiority, being ace and/or aro, or being allo are both neutral. Nobody's smarter or more moral or more pure or anything like that. But sometimes people say things as a vent in the moment and are reacting to a difficult situation they've been in. So for example someone may say 'allos suck' but it comes from a place where they've been very badly treated by allos for being ace or aro but they're referring more to the societal systems that are in place that privilege allo people and make life more difficult for ace/aro people, they don't actually believe being allo makes someone a bad person. (It can be hard to tell what's going on just from a post, again it's OK to unfollow and block, especially if it's just not what you personally need to see in the moment).

Personally I don't come across a lot of this type of stuff, but this is what I mean about things being fragmented, the blogs I follow just aren't posting about the infighting or gatekeeping and I don't happen to see it in the tags when I go in there. But I do hear about it second hand, and it seems like it's a problem on other social media sites I'm not on as well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, Anon. But I am glad you've found people you can be comfortable with and be yourself around. That's really important too. And thanks for the reminder that I really should drink more water today.

Hopefully at least some of this is helpful, but if you have more questions or want to discuss anything in more detail, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi! I just kind of... want to write about my experience here, I hope that's okay. This is sort of a vent related to my identity + aroace discourse so if anyone doesn't feel like seeing it, feel free to scroll!

So I'm most likely aroace, and I feel comfortable and secure in my asexual identity, but when it comes to identifying as aromantic, I always... just feel very conflicted. Am I aromantic? Most likely yes; I've never had a crush, don't have a strong urge to be in a romantic relationship, etc. and I'm in my early 20's so it's not like I'm "too young to know" or whatever else it is that people say to invalidate others' experiences. But I feel like some part of me doesn't like that part of my identity. I sometimes wish I could go out somewhere, like to a club or something, and have a sudden magical movie-like experience of meeting a girl and kissing her and suddenly feeling something new; or I wish I could meet someone, that I'm attracted to aesthetically, and truly start liking them romantically, like actually get a crush and not be able to stop thinking about them 24/7. I wish I was proven wrong about me being aromantic one day.

But also... I'm not sure if it's something that I actually want, if I could ever actually be in a romantic relationship and like it, or... if I'm simply aromantic and just don't feel comfortable in my identity, so much that I fantasize about it changing.

I'm also autistic so I suppose me not having any crushes might be related to that as well; I struggle with making connections and getting to know people in general. Also I can imagine a "type" I could have; I know who I'd like to have a crush on. But I've never been able to actually... make myself feel anything romantic. And when I think about the concept of how a romantic relationship is even supposed to start, how people just... apparently start flirting with each other and just decide to date? The sole idea feels so foreign and impossible to me.

When I was younger I feel like I was pretty certain I was aroace, and I was proud of that, felt confident about my identity. I think when it changed was actually when the "are aroace people lgbt or not?" discourse started popping up around 2018 or so. Back then, I've seen most people say that "being asexual and aromantic isn't enough to be called lgbt because you're not oppressed enough", many of my close internet friends included. Before that time, I always thought of asexuality and aromanticism as lgbt identities; didn't even suspect that anyone would think otherwise, so I was just... very surprised when all of a sudden I was seeing a bunch of people say that aroaces don't belong in the lgbt community (unless they're another identity that "counts"); it was like all of a sudden every single person was hating on asexuality and aromanticism, making fun of every aroace person who'd write about their experience, calling asexuality "boring" or "not valid" or "fake", talking about how aphobia wasn't real, etc. etc. And I think seeing that, especially from people who I considered friends, who'd always had "good" views on other social issues, made me be like: "Oh. Maybe what they're saying is right? Maybe I should get more educated on that and stop trying to invade other people's spaces?" I felt as if I couldn't have any say in the discussions, since I was aroace, and it was mostly people of other sexualities discussing it, people who "had it worse"; so I simply felt as if it wasn't my place to be like "you're wrong, I have a place in this community too" because... well, I was aroace - the identity that was being discoursed about and made fun of at the time, not someone who "had any say in the topic". And I think with time, since I kept seeing people go "aroace people are not lgbt" over and over again for literal years, I kind of accepted that and started... I don't know, thinking of my identity as "less"? Less important, less valid, etc.

Prior to the discourse I felt happy about finding my identity, about realizing who I am, I felt happy that my experiences were relatable to others as well and I felt welcomed within the lgbt community; I felt like I was a part of a community that understood, that was accepting. I was actually proud of being aroace. But after seeing all the discourse, I kind of... stopped feeling good about being aroace. I felt mostly ashamed of it; alienated from people who I thought were "like me". Eventually I even stopped identifying as "aroace" and changed it to "unlabeled" because now I'm even not sure who I am, because I'd prefer not being aroace. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable being with a man, I don't think so at least, but... I think I'd like to have a crush, I fantasize about being able to get a crush and be with a girl romantically, even though I never wanted any romance when I was younger. I kind of... feel like I'd feel so much more valid if I could just say "I'm an ace arospec lesbian" (or some other identity) rather than being like "I'm aroace but maybe not, it's complicated." But it's a thought that also makes me feel bad, because if I am in fact not capable of actually falling in love with someone, then wishing and fantasizing about the possibility that maybe one day it'll finally happen... makes me feel like I'm also invading other people's spaces. Which just sucks, and is not something I'd like to do. And I'm also aware that if I am just aroace and will stay single forever, I won't be in as much actual irl danger as other sexualities, like I know that. I know life would be harder if I was in a same-gender relationship and it'd be genuinely dangerous for me. But that feeling of validity, of feeling supported and accepted by an actual big diverse community... I miss that. And even though as of the last 3 or so years I stopped seeing mostly "aroace aren't lgbt" takes from other lgbt people, and started seeing almost everyone treating aroace ppl as a part of lgbt again, I still feel some of that... unsureness in my identity. I feel ashamed to say that I'm most likely aroace and I feel like I always have to add hundreds of disclaimers like "but I'm not cishet and maybe I like girls but I'm not sure, but I'm still figuring it out" etc. etc. in order to not be ridiculed, in case a person who likes making fun of aroace people happens to be reading it.

So, overall... I know this is probably such an unserious problem to have, I know people have it way worse, it just kinda feels like... even if I am aroace, I will likely never be able to proudly say it again with confidence, just in case it turns out that I'm not one day, or in case that's not enough for other people. Not sure if anyone can relate to that but if anyone does relate, or wants to add or say something... uh, yeah!

it’s very ok for you to share your experience here, that’s the whole point of this blog! i’m sure there are definitely people out there who relate to you!

[anths-girl]

I'm not one to try and write long-winded posts or like, get very passionately into a certain topic, or whatever. Mostly for the fact that, for one, my anxiety just makes me believe that nobody gives a shit about what little ol' me has to say about anything. And secondly, the few times in the past I DID kind of…speak up about things, I got such horrible responses that it just put me off ever actually saying anything at all, anymore.

But, BUT…sometimes I just CANNOT shut up. And this is one of those times.

I've lately started noticing this thing where, apparently, if you're asexual - and I AM very much asexual - you're not "included" in the "community," if you're a "straight" asexual. Like, go to my blog, see me posting pictures of like, Kirk Hammett with heart eyes emojis…BOOM, nope, you're not a "real" asexual. You're not valid. You're not included. Because I find men aesthetically pleasing, I'm…a fake? A fraud? Or, not actually asexual at all? Doesn't matter that, when I was 13, a guy I actually thought I liked, wanted to kiss me, and I fucking RAN AWAY. Or when another guy I also thought I liked, touched me, or hugged me or did anything physical, I would get nauseous and so uncomfortable that I pushed him off and made some vague excuses to just get the fuck AWAY. Or that, at the age of fucking 40, I am a virgin, I've never been kissed, AND I ABSOLUTELY DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH ANYONE, EVER?

BUT, again, because I find MEN attractive (to LOOK at), and because I'm sex positive, I've watched porn (and YES, enjoyed it), like sexy movies, LOVE to read (and occasionally write) smut…I am not actually asexual? So…what? I'm just this broken, wrong…thing? That doesn't belong anywhere, because I'm not "attracted" to someone of my own gender? Even though asexual literally means I am not physically attracted to ANYONE? Because I am, according to "normal society," for all intents and purposes, labelled as "straight," I am not worthy of the "community."

The same "community" who is ALWAYS preaching inclusivity, and understanding and compassion? Well, shit, lately it's everything BUT compassionate. I've become wary, or even scared, of saying I'm asexual, because I'm afraid of ridicule. Again, I have pretty damn bad anxiety, and I get afraid when I just post a simple comment on things online, because I just don't have the mental energy to get into arguments or disputes. Though…it SHOULDN'T BE THAT WAY?! WHY does everything always have to end up being about people shunning others, who are different? Everyone talks about NOT hating or excluding people who are different…but then they turn right around and do EXACTLY that. The LGBTQA+ "community" is supposed to be a SAFE PLACE for ALL of us…and yet, now, apparently, the "us" is not…included? I can't be part of that "us," because, what, there's some specific set of requirements I'm meant to fullfil? I'm not asexual enough, because I'm not completely repulsed by sex as a whole, or because I'm a woman, who finds men attractive?

So now, what…it's right back to that mentality of hiding your true identity, because there's nowhere you fit in? Being ostracized because you're not ENOUGH to be part of something that SHOULD be welcoming to you?

Seriously, the world is regressing. Instead of being embraced and accepted for who you are…we get scrutiny, and told we're not good enough to be part of something that is supposed to include us.

So yes, what I'm trying to ACTUALLY say…it's sad and scary and LONELY, to be asexual. It's isolating. Because where we SHOULD be finding support and understanding, we just get hate and scorn. And one would truly think, that in this day and age, that wouldn't happen anymore. But like with everything, people just always have to ruin things for each other.

Because hatred towards people who are different? Will NEVER change. Humanity is still just too fucked up, for that.

[scrollll]

Hi there :) I'm sorry to bother you but this is very important because you are now the chosen Ace who can give me their perspective on Zouey. I have adamantly argued that Zouey can be read as being on the ace spectrum but some of my friends say that's not realistic. My arguments: - He gets aroused by things that are removed from reality (hentai) and in moments where there is no risk of actually having to be sexual with the person (Teena as a model) but he struggles to enjoy the "real" thing -> sounds very aegosexual to me. - He says sex is for everybody but him. Later he changes that to "sex might be for him if it's combined with love" -> that could either hint at him being demi or it could mean that he is willing to have sex out of love for his significant other (as many aces do). - He can give pleasure and touch others but doesn't like to be touched -> this feels ace to me but I can't really explain why - Even when he touches Teena, he often struggles with things that are "more" sexual (like touching genitals) -> could be that he feels strong sensual attraction towards Teena. He also seems to distance himself from the reality of the situation by escaping into the fantasy of hentai, another thing many aces do because the reality of sex actually turns them off. - He thinks he wants to have penetrative sex with Teena but then doesn't enjoy it

Their strongest counter argument is that Zouey gave Teena a bj in episode 1. Now, I see their point. And I don't think Zouey being acespec is the only valid interpretation of his character. I like some of the other interpretations just as much. BUT I hate when people tell me that he can't possibly be on the ace spec. We have so little representation as it is and telling us that a character who speaks to us actually can't be like us feels shitty. I'm ace myself but my experience with sex is quite different from his. From your post it seems that you can relate to Zouey a lot. So if you feel comfortable sharing your perspective, I'm sure that would be valuable not only for me but for other aces as well. Thanks for making that post! (Also that Chinese definition of asexuality is so badass xD)

For starters, my sweet love anon, thank you so much for this ask and a big warm hug through the internet for you if you feel comfortable with it :D

And it's no bother, I like talking and writing XD

And regarding Zouey... welp, you asked, so I will deliver but be prepared for a longer essay XD

Let's start with the basics for those who are not quite familiar with asexuality: asexuality is a broad spectrum with many different nuances, gray areas and so on.

In the asexual community (as well as in some others), a distinction is made between romantic and sexual orientation. It is therefore possible to love a person romantically and still have no or only very limited sexual desires.

So: Asexual people fall in love with others, they want romantic or platonic relationships, but mostly without feeling sexual attraction for them.

Asexuality doesn't always mean that a person doesn't have sex. Yep, it may sound strange at first, but it's true. Many asexual people satisfy themselves or have sex, e.g. because they want to have a child, but nothing more. Some asexuals who are sex-positive or sex-neutral, i.e. who are not repulsed by the idea of sexual activity or are simply indifferent to it, have had sex or participate in sexual acts.

So an asexual who has sex will not suddenly become homosexual or straight, they can still feel like they belong to the ace spectrum. There are a variety of labels that break it all down and all fall under the ace umbrella, like placiosexual, lithosexual, cupiosexual, but to make a long story short, for many of us it's just too complicated :) So many just prefer "Ace-spec" or Ace-spectrum, but that's a personal preference of myself and a few ace friends of mine. It's nice to know the labels, but usually just too complicated for everyday use XD

And I also rank Zouey's blowjob from EP.1 on the ace spectrum. You very aptly mentioned the point that Zouey gets aroused by things that aren't part of reality. I think in EP 1 the blowjob went in exactly that direction.

For Zouey, as we also find out later, Teena is first of all a beautiful work of art himself. In his imagination, he sees him more as a statue that he can touch than as a person. Only when he runs into the bathroom does this bubble burst for the moment.

Zouey seems very overwhelmed to me, which I can understand, because he normally only experiences sexual stimulation from two-dimensional figures. Teena, however, crosses the line. For Zouey, he is at first only a two-dimensional figure on his easel, but at the same time he exists in real life. Zouey, who only knows sexual attraction based on hentai or pictures, is now confused as to whether this means that he finds Teena or only Teena's picture (similar to Jump's) attractive.

At this moment, however, I don't think he really got anything like sexual arousal or desire from Teena himself. It was, as I said, initially only Teena's picture that aroused him, the confusion comes because Teena runs after him and Zouey is undecided whether he should treat him like an aesthetic art object or like a human being and whether he would still find him attractive as a human being at all.

Zouey decides in favor of safety. He wants to return to the art room, back in front of his canvas and the distance he knows and feels comfortable with.

The blowjob is initiated by Teena putting Zouey's hand on his crotch, making it clear that he is not just interested in a conversation and certainly doesn't want to go back to painting.

And Zouey knows that.

In a household like that with Captain and Porsche, it's pretty much impossible to avoid the topic of sex permanently. As an ace, we may not be interested in sex, but especially if you have friends who are very sexually active, you get a lot of information.

And you can't tell me that the baddie bunch hasn't talked about blowjob tactics and the like at least thirty times. Especially because really none of them can shut up and Captain and Porsche are very keen to get Zouey deflowered soon.

So Zouey presumably knows the stories from his friends and knows on a logical level what it means when someone practically hands you their dick on a silver platter. And he has the theoretical knowledge, so why not try it out, especially with an aesthetically pleasing man like Teena, who is a painting come to life for him from an artistic perspective?

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it was a real sexual attraction at that moment, but rather an action-reaction. Of course, attraction can also play a role, but as I said, it doesn't have to be sexual, it can have an aesthetic origin, especially with Zouey's artistic mind.

Sex-indifferent aces are not repulsed by all sexual acts, so if our partner desires certain types of satisfaction and we feel like doing it, why not?

As the episode progresses, Zouey gives Teena another blowjob, but still dear people, Bj does not equal sex. Zouey still clearly shows his rejection of penetrative sex, or sexual acts that involve him. And that's pretty typical of us aces, or at least the ones I've met on the spectrum so far.

It feels okay to read about or watch sexual acts (mostly for aesthetic reasons rather than masturbation, but I don't want to generalize) because in 3rd perspective you are detached from the action and can look at it objectively.

You're not involved and that's nice.

By satisfying Teena, Zouey can still keep himself uninvolved. A nice term under the Ace umbrella for this is: Placiosexual (meaning a person that is okay and comfortable with performing sexual actions onto others but is uncomfortable having sexual acts performed onto them) This can still have limits and gradations, such as no penetrative sex in general or sexual acts under certain conditions.

As I said, also with the further development in the series and the way he deals with Teena and sexual innuendos, Zouey just feels very ace-coded to me. He moves on the spectrum, again, labels are nothing solid, but the vibes and the whole thing… Yeah, he is a fellow oft he ace for me XD

I wouldn't be surprised if he turns into Demi or Gray-ace, but his general view of sex and the way he's starting to expand his comfort zone bit by bit is very familiar to me from myself and my adventures on the asexual spectrum XD

However you interpret Zouey, for me he's chilling on the ace-spec XD It's my personal interpretation of him and I'll stick with that for now. I don't want to badmouth anyone's idea of Zouey, in the end he's a fictional character that we can interpret differently :)

But it feels very nice to have someone who thinks similarly :D

So, before this gets way too long, I'll make a cut here, but feel free to write me or send an ask if I should clarify anything :)

[ace-sher-bi-john]

Info On My Identity:

Romantic - Pan Greyromantic and/or Cupioromantic, Romance Favorable

Greyromantic because while I can't really say for sure if I've ever experienced romantic attraction before, I have experienced crushes, or rather squishes, before. They could have been purely aesthetic or platonic attraction, I think my brain is like holding out hope that I might actually be able to experience romantic attraction. As amatonormative as it sounds. It's mostly because I'm going to attempt to seek out a romantic relationship someday once I've finally "got my life together" whatever that means, and I would feel super guilty for the person I date if there's zero romantic attraction there on my part...

Cupioromantic perfectly describes me, as I want to participate in romantic relationships and get married someday, despite experiencing little to no romantic attraction. The reason I haven't used this label until now is because I read that some people in the aromantic community don't like it as an identity label due to it technically describing a behavior that you can control (whether you get into romantic relationships or not) rather than a feeling that you can't control (whether you experience romantic attraction or not), and it's seen by some in the community as reinforcing amatonormativity. I didn't want to upset people if using cupioromantic was wrong. But it's not. Cupioromantic is a valid identity, if anyone needed to hear that. I will be using cupioromantic from here on out, along with the other labels I use.

Up until now, I've been using romance favorable to describe that sentiment. That still applies, I am a romantic, despite being aromantic. The aromantic only applies to the type of attraction I experience, and has nothing to do with my desires.

I also use pan to describe me on top of all that because the few times I've had squishes, I've had them on both men and women. It felt more like the "genderblind" version of pan attraction as it was more about thinking they were adorable and liking their personality without gender coming to the equation at all. Going by this logic, I feel like this could also apply to nonbinary, trans and cis people of all gender identities. It doesn't matter to my brain whatsoever.

Sexual - Asexual, Sex Averse/Sex Favorable (depends on the day)

I identify as asexual. Although whether I'm sex-averse or sex-favorable depends on how I'm feeling each day. Ever since I opened myself up to reading explicit fanfics my brain has become more open to the idea of at least giving sex a try. It still sounds a bit icky sensory wise, but I think that if I tried it with someone who I trusted to respect my boundaries, I would be comfortable with giving it a go. Obviously I won't try it if I'm not 100% comfortable. Although I do want to have kids one day, and this is the "cheapest" way to do it. I'm not affording adoption, sperm bank or test tube baby on a preschool teacher salary lol.

Gender - Genderfluid and depending on the day I identify as either woman or gendervoid. Sometimes I feel like both describe me at the same time.

I was assigned female at birth, and I still very much identify with being a girl. I love presenting in a feminine way, I love traditionally feminine things, feel most comfortable using she/her/hers pronouns and feel confident in my body. But I've always felt a slight detachment between myself and other women. Whenever issues affecting women come up, my brain would always think like "Oh that's not good, I'm sorry that's happening to them" as though it doesn't affect me, despite the fact that I'm a woman. I have almost a dissociation between women and me even though I belong to that group.

I really thought about gender identity to see if I identify with any of the other gender identities out there, and every time I've always come back from it with "Definitely still cisgender woman, but with a hint of nonbinary". I didn't identify with the nonbinary part of me because I didn't want to lie about my identity if I'm actually a cis girl. But then, when a transphobic classmate jokingly asked me what my pronouns were, I came to the realization that I don't really care. I will always be most comfortable with she/her, but they/them and he/him and even neopronouns don't feel wrong on me. They feel neutral. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable being referred to by any of them. After a bit more research, I found the agender identity and it certainly described me, but it didn't really feel quite right either. Then I found gendervoid and it felt perfect. Gendervoid and agender basically mean the same thing, not identifying with any gender identity and feeling like you don't have a gender. But gendervoid specifically describes feeling like there's a void where your gender identity should be. That describes the dissociation from any gender identity that I experience a lot of the time. But I still identify as a girl as well.

Genderfluid still doesn't feel quite right, but it does describe me feeling both identities together.

Anyway that is everything that you need to know about my identity for now. If anything about this changes, I will probably make another post explaining it :)

[traceyshortfilm]

We're making a short film about asexuality!

Follow us here and keep updated on the film's progress!

[Disclaimer: the reason "queer" and "asexual" are separate words on the promo is NOT because I don't think ace people belong in the queer community - it is for specifying our film's topic, and the sad reality is that a lot of people know what "queer "means but don't know that the word "asexuality" exists. Ace people are valid in the queer community]

[dazedpuppydairies]

Sometimes I feel conversations surrounding ace-spec and aro-spec experiences are presented to monolithic. Of course I'm not referring to when people are specifically describing their own experience; however, when speaking about the communities as a whole I wish there was more emphasis on the diversity of experiences amongst ace and aro people. I'm not saying this is always an issue in ace and aro spaces, but it has negatively affected me personally. If this isn't something that you've noticed that's fair. Maybe this is a niche topic, not sure.

For example when people broadly say aromantic people don't date that generalization feels exclusionary to me. A lot of aromantic people myself included do date and even if most aromantic people don't date it doesn't make that generalization a good representation of the community as a whole. I have a similar issue when people broadly say asexuals don't have sex. My friend's old partner one time essentially harassed me in my own discord server for identifying as a sex favorable asexual because I was apparently misrepresenting the community. She also repeatedly told me it just sounded like I'm demisexual.

Though I don't personally identify as demisexual or demiromantic myself I do have the impression this issue is part of why demi people are often so othered. I've noticed this in the ace community especially, demisexuals are sometimes othered and seemingly seen as kind of separate from the ace community. I think this is also because demisexuality is a very misunderstood identity too. I just wanted to highlight demi erasure because I think it's a part of this conversation even though I'm not demi myself.

I think in conversations about asexuality and aromanticism it's sometimes forgotten the orientations describe having little or no sexual and/or romantic attraction. Having little or no attraction doesn't necessarily dictate your desires. Yes asexual and aromantic can also describe a disconnect from normative societal expectations, due to feeling repulsed by sex/romance, or being uninterested in sexual/romantic relationships, but they're not mutually exclusive. You can have little or no sexual attraction or romantic attraction and still be interested in sex and/or dating. You can want to participate in traditionally sexual coded and/or romantic coded things and still be asexual and/or aromantic. Both are valid experiences that should be equally represented while defining the community as a whole.

Rather than saying, "aromantic people don't date" if that person said, "a lot of aromantic people don't date" I feel simply including the "a lot of" part would make the statement so much more inclusive. I recognize that it's likely most asexuals don't engage in sex and it's likely most aromantics don't engage in romance as a part of their asexuality or aromanticism, but that doesn't change that there's still a chunk of ace and/or aro people who do.

I feel kinda bad making such a big deal of this, but again it is something that has genuinely negatively affected me. I understand do to amatonormativity not being interested in sex or romance can be an extremely alienating experience in our society and I want to respect that. I understand why it's so important emphasizing the validity of not being interested in a sexual or romantic relationship for example and I want to uplift aces and aros with that experience so I feel kind of shitty making a big deal out of this. I recognize because I do date for example in that way I fit more into amatonormative standards and I'm not trying to overlook that. At the same time as an aroace who does participate in sex, dates, etc I often feel like I don't exactly belong in either space which is very frustrating.

I just wanted to share my feelings on this and feel free to give constructive critique.

[polyamzeal]

I'm sorry you have to deal with all that shit. You deserve to be able to celebrate yourself without getting sliced up by internet randos. And yeah, poly belongs in pride month, it's something worth celebrating and taking pride in.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words.

I want to take this ask/post as a moment to update on my emotional outburst the other night (found HERE and some follow-up if you missed it). Mostly that I have been blown away by the amount of positivity people responded with! I have grown so used to people wanting to fiercely argue with me and accuse me of shit that I was feeling isolated and like nobody was on my side. I was shocked to be reminded of how many other people have went through the same. Lots of people also said that telling people they were gay/bi or trans was easy but it is hard to tell people that they are non-monogamous and not get hated for it. Again, not everybody's experience but certainly true for more than even I realized. It was so validating.

There was 1 hashtag on one of the reblogs that really stood out to me, "#polyphobia". I talk to death about homophobia and transphobia, even biphobia. But I have never really uttered that word. And it was so refreshing to just label it that. Polyamory still gets so erased that even the word for hating it felt victim to erasure. As if, "How could polyphobia exist when polyamory isn't a real or serious thing that deserves to be protected." I was reminded of all the other phobias that Pride has delt with. The biggest is of course Transphobia. Gays and lesbians were great but transpeople were wrong, despite being so important to the history of pride. Let's not forget how often gay and straight people have come together for biphobia to hate the greedy people that just can't pick a side. But I think the one that resonates most for me is questioning whether or not asexuality belongs at Pride. I am far from asexual myself but I have a lot of friends that are and hearing their accounts of being mistreated by people all over the spectrum really just struck a chord in my heart. All of these cases of people who were not welcomed at Pride at one point but now are mostly welcomed. And now the newest enemy to isolate and say they don't belong at pride is polyamorous people. They aren't queer enough. It might let in cis-het people which would be so awful~. I can only hope in time we look back at this and won't be able to remember a time when polyamorous people were pushed out of Pride just as we are already forgetting that bi, trans, and ace people were too.

I have also come to the conclusion that some Polyamory Facebook groups are just filled with outright mean people. Toneless online conversation with some level of anonymity will always lead to people being less compassionate and empathetic. Other night I joined a local "Polyamory Discussion" Zoom meetup and it was just so nice to see the faces of polyamorous strangers and hear a bit about what was going on with them. They felt so much more like 'real people' than the angry people online that won't listen to you as they rant at you on auto-pilot. Seeing Tumblr being a much more supportive community has also really helped to reconnect my tethers to this community that I love so much. Thank you.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Hey, I have a question about how to handle your family constantly fighting and you being too scared to come out as asexual because you know your mother wants a grandchild and is pestering you already even if you‘re only 21 years old?

I know it’s complicated and I don’t really want to go into details (god knows what that could entail🫣)

Anyways, even though my current situation isn’t exactly great, I always felt safe and understood by the good omens community and in your fandom. I‘m glad to be one of the maggots.

Have a fantastic day/night! You‘re great person. Never forget that😊

Hello my lovely anon maggot! Thank you so much. I really am glad that you've found a safe place, both with the good omens fandom and with mine.

Of course I don't know everything about your situation, but I'll do my best.

First, you are so valid as a person and your asexuality is something that is yours, it's not for anyone else to decide. And I'm sorry that your current situation makes you feel scared to defend that part of you, when it shouldn't even need to be defended. That's awful.

But remember that, in this as well as other things, choices like these belong to you and only you. Making them based off other people's wants would be unfair to you and to the life that you deserve. Wanting to have children herself, that was your mother's decision, and she made it. Wanting to have grandchildren, that's not her decision. At all. Though people make it seem like a big family issue, it's really not, it's your choice and your parents don't have a say in it. Anything they might bring up about what you 'owe' them or the family or telling you to think about their needs, that's not a factor at all.

Raising you and loving you and providing for you was not a favour they did you that entitles them to police your decisions in that way. It was the bare minimum, it was their job. You are not obligated to them for it.

Which I hope you know already, but I'm saying it again, in the hope that when you do have to confront them about it, you'll do it with the courage that comes with knowing that you are in the right, and it'll keep you safe from guilt trips and manipulations.

As for the fighting, it sucks. I've been there, too, and it's awful. And a lot of the time, you can't change it, because of the amount of emotional baggage and history and the personalities of the people involved. And it's not your responsibility to fix it, either. Encouraging communication and going to family therapy are all great options, but the simple truth is that it's not really possible in most situations. So if, somehow, things do settle down, of course that would be wonderful.

But if they don't, the best that can be done sometimes is to just... move away from it. Either you already live on your own or one day you will. You'll be away from it, I promise, and you'll be independent. And then you can make the choice of whether to confront them about everything or not. Whether you want to meet them regularly or not. How much presence they have in your life. How much you want to spend time with them, let them do for you and do for them.

Either way, I hope that you find peace in all the moments that you can, whether it's here with us or elsewhere. Whenever you do choose to confront them about things (or not to), I hope you'll remember that you're valid and you are precious and you are loved. As for the asexuality and coming out, stay safe, and do what is best for you. Not for anyone else, but for you. Educate them and try to make them hear you out. But even if they don't, that's not your fault.

Again, I don't know everything about your situation, so take my advice with caution, and of course I could be wrong about a lot of things. But I hope that at the very least, you know that you're not alone, you are heard. I'm so glad that you've found a community with us, too. I'm very glad you're one of my maggots.

All the love in the world to you.

[luminisvii]

why would cisgender straight aces belong in the lesbian gay bi trans community?

fine, i'll bite and give you an answer, and since i don't think you'd respond well to the real facts about asexual oppression, i'll tell you this: instead of infighting each other about who's more valid, you should be concerned about fighting for your rights.

the more time you spend harassing people who aren't hurting you, the more you are giving ground to conservatives who hate you. i hope this is comprehensible enough, thanks! i will not be answering any further questions or messages on this! have a nice day and please learn to be kind to others <3

[foxfairy06]

Genuinely, fuck you for not thinking aromantic and asexual people are a part of the LGBTQ community. Your takes on LGBTQ "discourse" are narrow-minded in most regards and, quite frankly, inane. I don't understand how people like you can look at a whole group of individuals that don't fit into heteronormative, amatonormative society and go "yeah, no, they don't belong in the group for people that don't fit into hetero- and amato-normative society". Like, what the fuck? What distinction do you have between aromantics and aces that allows you to separate them from all other queers and discriminate against them? I hope you get stung by 1973286393628374 bees and die screaming.

1 The simple fact that they don't face the same kind of oppression as the LGBT community, oppression based on gender and how it relates to other genders. They don't face any institutionalized oppression either. It's all only social.

2 You are CLEARLY filled with more hatred than I. You're the one sending death threats and wishing death and pain on me. You know that's not a healthy way to act right? It does however be the biggest way someone acts when they have no logical argument, and only one based purely on emotional reaction and herd mentality.

3 Never did I say asexuals don't deserve/need a community. Just that it shouldn't be the LGBT community. We don't exist to validate all unconventional people's differences. We exist to make progress.