#A lot of people could have felt the same emotions and could have been in contact with parasitic Kaiju material.

[stylesonfilms]

Behind The Pew [h.s]

word count: 8.8k

warnings: mentions of emotional abuse, substance abuse, drug use, addiction, and a toxic relationship. + a good ending.

where you, the priests daughter, and harry have a terrible fallout at the end of your relationship, and you find him praying (though he's unreligious) to have you back.

You never expected to find yourself in this position.

Seventeen-year-old you had been trembling in excitement when Harry first said he loved you. Seventeen-year-old you had been so sure you’d found your soulmate that the thought of a life without him felt unbearable. The memory of his voice, shaky yet certain, confessing his feelings under the pale glow of the streetlights outside the school gym still lingered in your mind like a cruel joke.

Now, at twenty-six, you could spit in disgust at that naive image of yourself. How could you have been such a blind fool? The words “I love you” that had once sent a thrill down your spine now felt like venom, dripping with hollow promises. There was nothing else in this world that could make you less happy than being with the same man who had once made your heart race.

How were you such a blind fucking fool.

Harry had been just a year older than you. He went to the same small high school on the edge of town, where the student body barely scraped a hundred per graduating class. You had taken the same classes, shared the same inside jokes about the ancient vending machines in the cafeteria, and even bonded over the mutual exhaustion of being two of the only students who cared about grades.

He’d been there during the whirlwind of your college years, offering words of encouragement as you juggled late-night assignments with the endless demands of being the head priest's daughter. He would show up unannounced at your dorm with takeout, a goofy grin on his face, pretending the world wasn’t falling apart for both of you in its own quiet way. He had supported you— or so you thought.

At twenty-three, when he gave you a key to his apartment in a red box tied with a ribbon, your heart had fluttered like it had back when you were seventeen. He’d even gotten down on one knee, a ridiculous smile plastered across his face.

You hadn’t realized it then that Harry never made grand gestures sober.

That thought gnawed at you now, sharp and unrelenting, as you pieced together the cracks in the foundation of your relationship.

When he first asked you out, it was during your senior class get-together the morning before the school year officially started. The whole grade, barely large enough to fill the school’s auditorium, had gathered in the parking lot on a warm spring early morning. You could still remember the smell of fresh grass wafting from the adjacent field, mingling with the acrid scent of burned coffee from the makeshift breakfast bar the school had set up. Someone had been playing music through a tiny portable speaker, and the sound of laughter and half-hearted chatter filled the air.

The memory was too clear. Too cruel.

He had asked you to take a walk with him on the track that looped around the grassy fields. His hand had been warm but clammy when he reached for yours, and though your heart had thudded in anticipation, there had been a flicker of hesitation that you’d ignored.

Looking back now, you wished you’d said no. You wished you’d stayed with your friends on the blacktop, scribbling meaningless designs with chalk that stained your fingers in vibrant shades of blue and pink. You wished you’d eaten the cold, rubbery pancakes the school had handed out with cheap syrup packets and laughed about it with people who weren’t him.

But you hadn’t. You’d let him guide you away, his voice soft and persuasive as he talked about the clouds overhead and how they seemed softer, more pure out there, away from the city. You’d taken his hand with a shy smile and agreed, thinking it was the beginning of something beautiful.

You’d been wrong. So, so wrong.

The gravel of the track crunched under the weight of your guys’ shoes. Harry’s hand was laced with yours as you both walked in silence for a few feet. It was quiet on the track, the sun barely coming up and the further you guys went, the more the chatter and laughs and screams died down into background noise. The soft breeze rustled the bushes alongside the track, blowing some of the gravel into the patch of grass.

Harry was the first to speak. 

“How are you enjoying this all?” He turned to glance at you. His five foot ten frame dominated your five foot four. You kept your shy gaze on the rocks beneath your feet.

“It’s… okay. Definitely not what I expected, the senior class last year hyped it up for sure.”

He gave a small courtesy laugh and nodded, agreeing. “Yeah, it’s not what I expected either. But it’s nice to be with everyone. Don’t think I would have missed out on much if I didn’t come. I only came, well, ‘cause of you.”

The blush on your cheeks ignited. “Oh, be quiet. Chris is here and so are your other pals.”

“But none of them are as stunning as you. It’s easy to talk to you.”

You scrunched your nose and shook your head. “Whatever you say, Styles.”

After a lap had passed, the sound of your peers coming into ear shot before dying out again, Harry stopped.

You halted, turning to look up at him. You tilted your head, furrowing your brows. “You okay? We don’t have to walk. We can go back.”

He shook his head, giving your hand a squeeze. 

“No, it’s not that. I just… You’re not seeing anyone, right?”

You laughed, rolling your eyes. 

“Harry, if I was, I wouldn't be here with you. Or holding your hand, at that.”

His lips twitched into a sheepish smile and he laughed himself, carrying a weight of nervousness.

“Sorry, stupid question.”

You gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. 

“I was wondering, you know, we’ve been talking since the end of last year and through the summer, so maybe you’d want to…,” his voice trailed off before he cleared it.

“If I want to, what?” Your heart picked up, your gaze avoiding his but you could feel his piercing stare. 

“If we could… Would you want to be my girlfriend?”

His other hand scratched his jaw nervously, the nervous laugh that came after made your heart swell. You finally looked up at him, your stomach flipping in all sorts of directions.

“I’d like that, actually.”

“Yeah?” Harry grinned.

“Yeah.”

Only to find out months later that he was high when he did it. It was funny to him, brushing it off as a ‘fun fact.’ You remembered how he’d laughed, throwing his head back like it was nothing more than an anecdote to tell at a party. The sharp sting of his nonchalance had left a bitter taste in your mouth. You’d always known Harry smoked, the earthy smell of marijuana often clinging faintly to his clothes or his breath, but this revelation hit differently. The idea of him being high so early in the morning, when the world was still fresh and untainted, gnawed at you.

He’d told you with a smirk that he only had the courage to ask you out because he’d smoked beforehand. The words had hung in the air, heavy and sour, even as he brushed them aside with a casual wave of his hand. It wasn’t the smoking that unsettled you—that was a habit you’d grown used to—but the thought that he hadn’t been able to face the moment sober. Something about that truth coiled tightly inside you, a quiet but insistent discomfort you couldn’t shake. Still, you nodded along, offering a small smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes, pretending it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter. It shouldn’t have mattered. Or at least that’s what you told yourself. Because regardless of how it began, he was your boyfriend, and for a time, he was the best damn one you’d ever had.

But it only got worse as the years went by. What started as casual smoking turned into something darker, more insidious. By the time Harry was twenty, he’d moved on to Xanax, popping pills on weekends like it was a game. At twenty-one, he tried cocaine for the first time. You remembered how he’d joked about it, laughing as if it was just another notch on his belt of wild experiences. By twenty-three, things had spiraled so far out of control that you found yourself flushing fentanyl tabs down the toilet, your hands trembling as they dissolved into nothingness.

Cocaine, though, was always his vice. It lingered like an unwelcome guest in your home, its presence felt even when you couldn’t see it. You’d spot the faint traces it left behind: the dusty residue on the edge of his credit card, the faint chemical tang that clung to the air like a ghost. Every time you saw it, your stomach twisted into a knot so tight it felt like you might never breathe properly again.

He drank too—often and excessively. The combination was volatile, turning your home into a battleground. Harry would stumble through the door, crossed out of his mind, his apologies slurring together as he promised, over and over again, that this was the last time. You stopped believing him long before you stopped yelling. Eventually, you gave up on the fights altogether, silently helping him to bed while he muttered half-formed apologies.. 

The sex was all that bad. When it did happen, it got sloppy and rushed and he stopped caring about you. Other times, even when he was sober, when you’d be on his lap with your lips locked in what you believed was a great makeout session, he couldn’t even get hard. 

That was as far as you guys could go most times. Dealing with yourself once he was asleep got tiring after a few weeks and you just gave up.

When he turned twenty five, he shook most of his habits off. He got clean, he kept himself that way. Harry got a haircut and he shaved and he tossed out old clothes to buy new ones. He bought you guys a new house with a new bed and a new beginning. He was your six foot two teddy bear once again. Or so you thought.

That all came crashing down on his twenty sixth birthday. You made the mistake of letting him throw a small get together with his friends. You trusted him with alcohol and weed, that was his business that you knew he could handle. What you didn’t want to see, what he didn’t mean for you to see, was the lines of cocaine on the coffee table when you walked in with a custom cake and balloons. 

The fight that followed was inevitable but futile. Harry was high, too far gone to care, his eyes glazed and his words slurred. You yelled until your voice cracked, but all it did was ricochet off the walls of your shared misery.

The spiral back into the pits of hell was quicker this time, more merciless. You found solace in church, staying longer on Sundays and Wednesdays, the echoes of hymns filling the void Harry had left behind. At first, it hurt to avoid him, to find excuses not to come home. But the longer you stayed away, the more you realized he didn’t care. Harry didn’t think of you as home anymore.

When you did return, it was like stepping into a war zone. Empty bottles of hard liquor littered the counters and floors, little baggies of cocaine peeked out from under furniture, and strips of foil, tarnished and crinkled, hid in drawers like ugly secrets. Harry didn’t even try to hide it anymore. 

He had no fucking shame.

Harry had the nerve to show up at your father’s church one quiet afternoon, the air heavy with the faint scent of incense and wax from the candles burning in the sanctuary. He arrived holding a bouquet of flowers—vivid lilies and carnations that looked almost garishly out of place against the muted tones of the church. To anyone else, he seemed perfectly fine, even charming. Harry had shaved, his jawline clean and sharp, and his clothes were neatly pressed, a stark contrast to the disheveled image you had grown accustomed to. He carried himself with a practiced ease, engaging your father in polite conversation near the altar while you worked in the worship room, tucking hymn books into the pews.

The low hum of their voices caught your attention, and when you stepped out into the main hall, your breath hitched. There he was. You forced a smile, thanking your father quietly as you approached and took the flowers from Harry’s hand. They smelled fresh, their fragrance almost cloying in the stillness of the space.

“What’re you doing here?” you asked, your voice low and hesitant as you chewed on your bottom lip, a nervous habit you couldn’t quite shake.

“I came to see you, honeybee,” he murmured, his tone soft, almost tender. His thumb brushed over your bottom lip, coaxing it free from your teeth with a familiarity that sent an unwelcome shiver down your spine. The warmth of his touch was at odds with the cool emptiness lingering in his eyes. “Is that an issue?”

“No, no. I just… I hadn’t expected company, not until worship started, anyway,” you replied, your words faltering under his steady gaze.

He laughed softly, the sound low and rich, shaking his head as if you’d said something amusing. “Oh, no. I’m definitely not here for that. Just for you. My sweet angel,” Harry grinned, his eyes drifting around the room before settling back on you. “In her home sweet home.”

The blush that crept up your cheeks felt like a betrayal. He was still Harry, after all, the man who had once held your heart so completely. Memories of the boy he used to be flickered through your mind like an old film reel— Harry, who had gone out of his way to understand your faith, who had brought you a delicate cross necklace blessed by your father, where he had taken it to the church where your father was and asked him to bless it before he gave it to you. Harry, who had meticulously highlighted and annotated an entire Bible just for you, leaving little notes in the margins that were equal parts insightful and irreverent on certain verses that he said made him think of you. 

That was before. Before everything fell apart. Before sobriety became a fleeting memory.

“Well, thanks for the flowers, H, but we open the doors in a couple of minutes,” you said, your voice firmer now, though it trembled just slightly at the edges. “I’ll see you at home?”

Harry’s lips pulled into a pout, a performative gesture you’d once found endearing but now felt shallow. With an exaggerated sigh, he brought his hand to your jaw again, his thumb grazing your bottom lip as though he couldn’t bear to let the moment slip away.

“Can’t use those few minutes to do something?” he asked, his voice dipping lower, laced with a suggestive edge that sent your stomach churning.

The smirk on his lips was smug, predatory, and you didn’t need to ask what he meant. You recognized the look in his eyes, the subtle shift in his demeanor.

“Harry…”

“C’mon,” he coaxed, his voice honeyed and smooth, but the undertone was sharp, cutting. “I can make you feel good, baby. Don’t you wanna make me feel good, too? Or do you plan on leaving me to suffer?”

His words were laced with manipulation, the kind that once might have worked, but now only filled you with a cold, hollow ache. The pit of guilt you used to feel in moments like these was gone, replaced by a slow-burning anger that settled deep in your chest.

“Harry, we can’t. Not here, okay? Maybe tonight, once I’m home,” you said, trying to keep your tone calm, even as your pulse quickened.

He opened his mouth to plead again, his hand lingering too long on your face, but you caught his wrist, guiding it firmly down to his side.

“I said no, Harry. It’s best if you leave.”

His expression hardened, the softness he’d feigned cracking like brittle porcelain. With a scoff, he slid his sunglasses down over his eyes, the barrier only amplifying the distance between you.

“Fine, whatever,” he muttered before turning on his heel and heading for the door.

You stood frozen, your eyes following him as he stumbled slightly on the stone steps outside. The small misstep was all it took to confirm what you’d been suspecting, dreading. He was high. Again.

Your chest burned, the heat spreading like wildfire, but it wasn’t just hurt or disappointment anymore. It was anger— raw and searing, threatening to consume the last remnants of hope you’d held onto.

When you got home that night, the house felt colder than usual, a void that seemed to stretch out in every corner. The faint hum of the refrigerator was the only sound as you shut the door, its click too loud in the eerie silence. The flowers Harry had given you lay discarded on the counter where you’d left them, their petals already beginning to wilt. They felt like a cruel metaphor—beautiful on the outside but destined to wither without care.

You sighed and stepped into the kitchen, immediately greeted by the sticky remnants of his presence. The counters were smeared with grease and liquor stains, a half-empty whiskey bottle sat crooked on the edge, and crumpled fast-food wrappers littered the floor. The faint, sickly-sweet smell of alcohol mixed with something sharper—sweat and stale smoke.

Your stomach twisted as you began cleaning, the rag in your hand scraping over the counter with force. Every motion felt like an indictment, every stain a reminder of how far he had fallen and how long you had been holding it together. The weight of your exhaustion pressed down harder with each plate you scrubbed, each bottle you threw into the trash.

By the time you finished, your arms ached, and your chest was heavier than ever. You grabbed your pillow from the shared bedroom, hesitating only a moment as your eyes swept over the messy bed—the sheets tangled, the faint imprint of his body still visible in the mattress. You used to love this space, love curling into him after long days and feeling like the world outside couldn’t touch you. Now it felt suffocating, tainted.

The guest room was plain and small, but at least it was untouched. Untainted. You dropped your pillow on the bed, letting out a shaky breath as you sat on its edge. The ache in your chest tightened, but no tears came. You had cried enough over him.

The hours dragged on, the silence only broken by the faint ticking of the clock and the occasional groan of the house settling. When the front door slammed, the sound shot through the quiet like a thunderclap, and your heart jumped in your chest.

Harry was home.

His footsteps were uneven, loud on the stairs. You tensed as they grew closer, each step bringing him nearer. When he finally appeared in the doorway, the smell hit you first— whiskey and something acrid, sharp enough to make your nose wrinkle.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” he slurred, leaning heavily against the frame, his glassy eyes struggling to focus.

“I couldn’t stay in our room anymore,” you said evenly, though your voice wavered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” His tone was sharp, defensive, like you had just accused him of something.

“It means I’m done, Harry,” you said, the words tumbling out before you could stop them. “I can’t do this anymore.”

He barked out a bitter laugh, one that made your skin crawl. “You’re done? With what? Cleaning up after me? Being a fucking saint while I’m out living my life?”

Your chest tightened, the words hitting you like a slap. You rose to your feet, your fists clenched at your sides. “Living your life? Harry, this isn’t living. This is destroying yourself, and I’m not going to stand by and watch anymore.”

“Don’t act like you’re so fucking perfect!” he yelled, his voice rising to a pitch that made your ears ring. “You think you’re better than me just because you go to church and play the good little girl? You’re just as messed up as I am— you just hide it better!”

The venom in his words was sharp enough to draw blood. You stared at him, your heart pounding as the man you once loved stared back at you like a stranger.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” you whispered, your voice trembling but steady. “And I can’t love someone I don’t know.”

For a moment, his face faltered. His mouth opened, but no words came out. His fingers twitched by his side like he wanted to reach for you, but the anger in his eyes quickly flared again, and he curled his hands into fists beside him.

“All you ever fucking do is yell at me and blame me for stupid ass shit,” he snapped, his words slurred but cutting. “I can never catch a fucking break dealing with this shit show to come home to!”

His words felt like a punch to the gut, and you took a step back, your heart cracking open in ways you hadn’t thought possible. “A shit show?” you repeated, your voice rising. “Is that what you think this is? Me, trying to hold us together while you destroy everything we built?”

“Don’t twist my words,” he snapped. “You think you’re some fucking martyr or something, but you’re not! You’re just…”

“Just what, Harry?” you demanded, stepping closer now, your hands trembling with rage. “Say it. Tell me what you really think of me.”

He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

“I’ve given you everything,” you said, your voice breaking. “I’ve stood by you, loved you, forgiven you for things I never thought I could forgive. But you— you’ve become someone I can’t even recognize.”

“You’ve changed,” you continued, your voice growing stronger. “The man I fell in love with would never speak to me like this. He would never make me feel this small, this worthless. I’ve given you chance after chance, Harry, and all you’ve done is throw them away.”

His jaw clenched, his fists curling at his sides. “So that’s it? You’re just going to walk away?”

“Walk away?” You let out a bitter laugh, the sound hollow. “You already pushed me out, Harry. I’ve been trying to hold onto what we had, but it’s gone. You threw it away the moment you chose this life over us.”

Your hands trembled as you reached for the necklace around your neck, the one he had given you back when things were good, back when he was still the boy you loved. The clasp felt like it burned your skin as you tore it off, the chain tangling in your fingers before you threw it at his chest.

“You don’t deserve this,” you said, your voice cold and final. “And you don’t deserve me. And I just… I don’t love you, not anymore, Harry.”

The necklace hit him and fell to the floor, the soft clink echoing in the silence that followed.

Harry’s face crumbled for a moment, the anger draining as he stared at the necklace, his chest heaving. But it wasn’t enough. Nothing he could do would ever be enough now.

“I hope one day you realize what you’ve lost,” you said, your voice trembling but resolute. “But by then, I won’t be here to see it.”

You stormed past him, empty-handed, your breath shallow and your vision blurred with tears you refused to let fall. The ache in your chest felt like it might swallow you whole, but the thought of staying, of enduring one more second in his presence, was unbearable.

As you reached the door and yanked it open, Harry’s voice thundered behind you, thick with anger. “Where the hell are you gonna go? You live here! This is your home!”

You froze in the doorway, your hand tightening on the handle as his words hung in the air, sharp and cutting. Slowly, you turned to face him, your eyes blazing with bitterness and pure, unfiltered hurt.

“Keep the damn house, Harry,” you spat, your voice trembling but fierce. “It stopped being home a long time ago.”

Without waiting for a response, you slammed the door behind you, the sound reverberating like a final nail in the coffin. The cold night air hit your skin like a slap, but it felt cleaner than anything you had breathed inside that house. You walked away, the sting of his words still clinging to you, but the weight of years of hurt beginning, finally, to lift.

The echo of the slammed door reverberated through the house, rattling picture frames on the walls and leaving a silence so stark it felt deafening. Harry stood there, still and unmoving, his chest heaving with the remnants of his anger. Your words echoed in his ears, sharp and relentless: “It stopped being home a long time ago.”

For a fleeting moment, Harry didn’t care. His high still hummed through his veins, numbing the edges of the storm brewing inside him. He scoffed, running a hand through his disheveled hair, muttering to himself, “Good riddance. She always has something to say.” His lips twitched into a sneer, but the bitterness didn’t hold—it faltered, slipping into a frown as his gaze flicked to the door.

The house felt emptier already, the lingering sound of your voice replaced by the oppressive quiet.

He staggered upstairs, his feet dragging with a mix of exhaustion and defiance. Once in the bedroom, he kicked off his shoes, leaving them carelessly in the middle of the floor. The bed was disheveled, one side still made while his side looked like it had been caught in a hurricane. He climbed in, his movements clumsy and uncoordinated, throwing himself onto the mattress with a groan.

“She’ll be back,” he muttered to no one, rolling onto his side and pulling the blanket up to his chin. “She always comes back.”

But as the minutes turned into hours, and the haze of his high began to fade, the reality of your absence started to creep in. The silence in the room felt unnatural, as if the walls themselves were mourning. He tossed and turned, his mind replaying the fight in brutal detail.

The venom in your voice. In his voice.

The pain in your eyes.

The way you said “home” like it was something foreign, something lost.

Harry stared at the ceiling, his heart pounding despite the stillness around him. His throat felt tight, his chest heavy with something he refused to name. He’d never heard you speak like that before, with such finality.

When sleep finally came, it was fitful and shallow, and he woke the next morning with a dull ache in his head and an emptiness in his chest.

His hand reached instinctively for your side of the bed, fingers brushing the cool, untouched sheets. His stomach dropped, a sinking realization hitting him like a punch to the gut. The bed was empty.

You were gone.

For the first time, it truly sank in. He sat up slowly, his head cradled in his hands as the events of the night before played out in vivid, painful clarity. The bedroom felt like a void— your clothes were still hanging in the closet, your perfume lingered faintly in the air, but you weren’t there.

Dragging himself out of bed, Harry wandered through the house. In the kitchen, he saw the evidence of your quiet care. The counters were wiped clean, the trash taken out, the sink empty of dishes. It hit him that you’d cleaned up after him, even after the endless nights of the same fight, even after everything.

The guilt clawed at his throat, but he pushed it down, focusing instead on the mundane task of making tea. He reached for the kettle, his movements mechanical, the sound of water filling the pot breaking the heavy silence. The tea was bitter when he took the first sip, but he drank it anyway, needing something to ground him.

He carried the mug to the living room, sinking onto the couch. His heart twisted as he noticed the faint indent on the cushion where you always sat, curled up with a book or your favorite blanket.

Harry leaned forward, elbows on his knees, staring into the tea as if it might hold the answers. He replayed the fight again, his own words stabbing at him now with brutal clarity: “All you ever fucking do is yell at me… this shit show to come home to.”

He exhaled shakily, gripping the mug tighter as the weight of what he’d said, what he’d done, settled over him like a suffocating blanket.

It wasn’t just a fight. It wasn’t just words.

You were gone, and for the first time in a long time, Harry wasn’t sure if you were ever coming back.

What a valiant roar, what a bland goodbye.

You spent that night, and the following nights for the next three months with your sister. Staying with your dad would be unfathomable. You didn’t want to listen to his harsh criticisms of how he knew Harry had been trouble from the start.

One thing about your father was that he was unaccepting of the idea of who Harry was, but if he kept you happy, then he could settle.

How were you supposed to tell him about the last seven years?

Harry was the loss of your life.

You hadn’t been to church since that night with Harry, but you continued to pray alongside your sister every night. You told your dad, who then told the choir and regular attendees that you had come down with a nasty flu and were swarmed with paperwork to find a new job at a law firm outside of town. Your phone pinged with many congratulatory messages, people who passed their best wishes and ‘get well soon’ messages.

If only they knew.

The dull ache of not being around Harry was quick to pass. It didn’t matter much anymore. You felt as though you were living without him for the longest time, anyways. The photos on your phone were quickly discarded with your sister's help, deleting threads that had dated back to your junior year of high school between you and Harry. The key to that house had been long discarded, tossed into a random field you passed on the way to her house.

You felt clean. It felt refreshing to not smell liquor and to not see the remnants of cocaine on the counters. You felt more alive, not having to waste your energy on cleaning up after a grown man or arguing with one, at that.

Tonight was the first time you’d be going back to the church. You agreed to help your father set up for awana, a youth ministry program that taught children about the Bible. Many families you had grown to know showed up every Wednesday night for the three hours of engaging fun, which you usually led. But, you convinced your father that tonight was just for you to set up and pay respects, not wanting to risk contaminating any children with whatever was left of your flu.

Awana didn’t start until five that night, so you headed in a couple of hours early at three to get whatever you needed done.

The heavy wooden doors of the church creaked softly as you pushed them open, their weight familiar under your palms. The air inside was still, carrying the faint scent of aged wood and candle wax. The silence was almost sacred, broken only by the soft echo of your footsteps against the stone floor as you entered. You hesitated for a moment, calling out, “Dad?”

No reply.

You glanced around, the emptiness of the space making it feel larger than usual. It wasn’t unusual for your father to run late—he had a tendency to take his time, knowing you’d always arrive early to handle preparations.

It’s fine, you thought, letting the stillness settle over you like a comforting cloak. The familiar rhythm of setting up for Awana would help distract your thoughts, keep your hands and mind busy.

You moved through the quiet halls, your fingers brushing against the cool stone walls for balance as you made your way toward the worship room. The double doors loomed ahead, slightly ajar, leaving just a sliver of space to peek inside. You frowned, thinking your father might’ve arrived without you noticing.

“Dad?” you called again, softer this time, your voice barely above a whisper.

No answer.

You approached the doors, your heart skipping a beat with an inexplicable unease. Slowly, you pushed one door open, its hinges groaning in protest. The familiar sight of the worship room unfolded before you: rows of polished pews stretching toward the altar, the high ceilings casting shadows in the dim afternoon light.

But it wasn’t your father inside.

It was Harry.

He was seated in the middle of the room, his broad shoulders slightly hunched as he leaned forward, his clasped hands resting on the back of the pew in front of him. His curls, wild and unruly as always, were a stark contrast against the calm, ordered lines of the worship room. He didn’t notice you; his head turned slightly, his gaze wandering aimlessly around the space.

Your breath hitched, shock rooting you to the spot. You’d know those curls anywhere, that familiar slope of his shoulders, the way he sat as if the weight of the world bore down on him.

You felt a cold rush of emotions flood through you—anger, sadness, confusion, and something you couldn’t quite name. You hadn’t seen Harry in months, hadn’t allowed yourself to think of him in anything more than fleeting moments. Yet here he was, in the last place you’d ever expect him to be, looking so out of place and yet so painfully familiar.

Your heart hammered in your chest as you stared, unable to move. You wanted to say something, anything, but the words caught in your throat, choked by the raw ache of seeing him again.

The quiet was oppressive, broken only by the soft creak of the door as it settled back into place behind you.

You stayed frozen, unsure whether to leave or step forward, unsure if you even wanted him to know you were there. But as you stood in that doorway, watching Harry sit in silence, you couldn’t help but wonder why he was here, in this room full of pews and memories, looking like he was searching for something he’d lost.

The air in the worship room was heavy with stillness, the faint aroma of wood polish and old hymnals lingering like a quiet echo of devotion. You stood frozen in the shadows near the back, the dim light filtering through stained-glass windows casting fractured patterns on the floor. Harry hadn’t noticed you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to announce your presence.

It was the way he sat— head slightly bowed, hands clasped, his broad shoulders sagging as though he were carrying something unbearable— that rooted you in place. Then he spoke, his voice low and rough, wavering like a fragile thread.

“God…” he began, pausing almost immediately. He let out a small, humorless laugh, shaking his head. “If you’re real or out there— sorry, I guess it’s kind of rude to doubt You in Your own house, huh?”

The words came out clumsy, hesitant, as if he wasn’t used to addressing anyone but himself. You couldn’t see his face, but you could hear the vulnerability in his voice, raw and unguarded, each syllable a crack in the carefully constructed walls he’d built around himself.

“I don’t even know if I’m doing this right,she was so good at this” he muttered, his tone quieter now, almost as if he were afraid of being overheard. “I’m not… I’m not good at this, clearly. But I just—” He exhaled sharply, his breath shuddering.

“I don’t know if You can hear me. I don’t even know if anyone can hear me anymore.” His voice faltered, and the sound of it broke something inside you, like the crack of a distant thunderstorm.

He was quiet for a long moment, the silence stretching between you like a fragile thread. Then he spoke again, his words softer, trembling with something you couldn’t quite name.

“I need her,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I need her back in my life. I know I don’t deserve to ask for anything. I’ve screwed up so many times, made promises I didn’t keep, hurt her in ways I can’t even forgive myself for. But if You could just…” He trailed off, his fingers gripping the edge of the pew in front of him as if it were the only thing grounding him.

“If You could just look into the future or something,” he continued, his tone desperate now, “if You could see how hard I’m trying—how hard I will try—then maybe You could give me another chance. I’ll do anything, God. I swear.”

His words hung in the air, heavy with desperation, and you found yourself holding your breath, your heart aching in a way you hadn’t expected.

“I miss her,” Harry admitted, his voice breaking on the last word. He let out a shaky laugh, running a hand through his curls. “I miss the way she always left little notes in my lunch when we were younger, even when we were fighting. Just… because she wanted me to smile.”

You could hear him swallow. “I miss how she could never cook pancakes without burning at least one side, and I’d eat the worst ones on purpose just so she didn’t have to, but the way she laughed about it… was sweet. I miss the way she hums when she’s nervous, like she’s trying to calm herself down without even realizing it.”

Each word was a wound, cutting deeper into the fragile space where your heart still clung to the love you once shared.

“I miss loving her with my whole damn heart,” he confessed, his voice cracking. “I miss feeling like I was… like I was worthy of her. And I know I didn’t show it. I know I let her down. But God or Jesus or whoever, if You’re listening, if You’re out there, please, just give me one more chance. I’ll be better. I’ll be someone she can be proud of. I just…”

His words faltered, and he fell silent, his hands trembling where they gripped the pew. The room was so quiet you could hear the faint rustle of his shirt as he moved, the distant hum of the air conditioning, and the uneven rhythm of his breathing.

You felt tears sting your eyes, but you didn’t move. You couldn’t. His words echoed in your mind, raw and aching and filled with a regret so palpable it was suffocating.

For a moment, you wanted to step forward, to close the distance between you and the man you’d loved for so long. But you stayed rooted to the spot, hidden in the shadows, your heart breaking all over again as you listened to the man you barely recognized pour his soul out to a God he wasn’t even sure was listening.

That’s when you noticed it. In his clasped hands, dangled your gold cross chain. The exact one he had got for you. 

He kept it this whole time?

You took a shaky breath, slowly stepping forward. Harry glanced back his head back, scurrying up to his feet at the sound of someone else being inside.

“Sorry,” He fumbled with his words, sniffing as he wiped his eyes. “I didn’t realize there was someone he–, Y/N?”

The silence stretched on for what felt like an eternity, broken only by the faint, uneven rhythm of his breathing. Your heart pounded in your chest, the ache of seeing him again, of hearing his desperate pleas, gnawing at you with each passing second.

And then, that small detail— the gold cross chain— caught your eye once more. It hung loosely from his fingers, the chain catching the dim light, the delicate cross swaying slightly with the tremor of his hands. .

The thought was almost too much to bear. The small, sacred piece of your past, something that had always symbolized the love you thought you had, now twisted into something that stung with regret and longing. A part of you had wondered if it had just been tossed aside, forgotten, a casualty of the wreckage that was your relationship. But here it was, hanging from his fingers, as if he hadn’t let go of you in the slightest.

Your hands shook, the air feeling thinner as the weight of the moment crashed down on you. Slowly, tentatively, you took a step forward, unable to tear your eyes away from the cross that still belonged to you in some twisted way. The sound of your footsteps on the creaky floor was soft, but in the silence, it seemed to echo, growing louder with each passing second.

The way he said your name, like he wasn’t sure if it was even real anymore, made your stomach twist. The sound of it, laced with disbelief and confusion, made the raw ache inside of you flare up again.

Your breath caught in your throat as you stood three pews away from him, your legs suddenly feeling weak beneath you. You hadn't expected him to turn around and see you. You hadn’t planned on confronting him like this, not after everything that had happened. But here you were, facing him again, and the sight of him— disheveled, eyes red, the same haunted expression you hadn’t seen in months— brought a wave of emotions crashing down on you.

The way his eyes searched yours, almost pleading, as if trying to make sense of why you were standing there, made everything inside you tremble. And yet, despite the desperation in his eyes, you felt a distance, an insurmountable gap between the man he was now and the man you once knew so well.

It felt like there were a million things you wanted to say, but the words refused to come. Instead, you stood there in the quiet, feeling the weight of the past pressing down on you with every breath you took.

Harry swallowed hard, his fingers gripping the chain as if it were the only thing tethering him to some semblance of reality. “Y/N,” he said again, his voice rough, breaking. “I didn’t mean what I said that night. I didn’t mean any of it. Please know that..”

His words, those desperate, pleading words, tore through the silence like a knife, and for a moment, the church around you seemed to close in, suffocating you with the weight of everything that had been left unsaid. The hurt, the anger, the love that had been twisted and broken by everything he had done— it all came flooding back, suffocating you in the space between your heart and your mind.

You didn’t move. You couldn’t.

His eyes softened for a moment, searching your face, as if looking for a sign that you were still the person he used to know. But you couldn’t give him that. Not anymore.

“Y/N, I— I just want to fix this. I want you back. I miss you so much. I don’t know how to—” His voice cracked, the rest of the sentence trailing off, and he stood there, helpless, caught between his past actions and the broken pieces of his own regret.

But you couldn’t look at him the way you used to anymore. Not after everything he had put you through, not after everything you had lost.

The silence stretched on, suffocating and thick, and you finally spoke, your voice barely above a whisper. “You can’t just... take it all back, Harry. You can’t just walk in here like nothing ever happened and expect everything to be okay.”

The words were raw, laced with the pain that had been building up for so long. You didn’t know if they were meant for him or for you, but they felt like they were the only thing you could say to make sense of the jumble of emotions inside you.

You wanted to run. You wanted to scream. You wanted to do anything to make the hurt stop.

But you didn’t. You stood there, watching him with a heart full of broken pieces, and waited for him to finally understand the depth of the damage he had caused.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “I didn’t realize... I didn’t realize what I was doing, what I was saying. I thought I could fix it. Thought I could... I don’t know. But I didn’t— I didn’t fix anything. I made it worse. I got so frustrated that I couldn’t just listen to you, and I took my anger out into something you told me to avoid. I fucked everything up. I was so selfish. I was scared, and I didn’t even know how to handle it, so I just pushed you away instead of fighting for you. Fighting for us.”

His words seemed to pierce the silence, each one a sharp confession, and you felt your heart crack just a little bit more. It was hard to hear him say it out loud, to hear him admit the mistakes that had cost you both so much. But it was also the first time you’d heard him speak so honestly about what he had done.

You took a deep breath, eyes flickering between his face and the cross chain still held in his hands. There was something raw and vulnerable in his gaze, something you hadn’t seen in months. Something that made your chest ache with an old kind of longing.

“You hurt me, Harry,” you said quietly, the words slipping from your mouth before you could stop them. “I don’t think you understand just how much you hurt me. I wasn’t just angry. I felt... betrayed. Like you never really cared. And I— I didn’t know how to live with that. I didn’t know how to be in a relationship where I wasn’t even sure if you cared, or if you were ever going to care again.”

There was a long pause, the only sound between you two being the faint hum of the church’s old air conditioning system. You could feel his eyes on you, and though you didn’t want to, you forced yourself to meet his gaze.

“I wasn’t thinking, okay?” Harry finally spoke, voice cracking, his eyes bloodshot and swollen from everything he’d gone through, swelling over once more with fresh ones. 

“I was just... I was stuck. And I didn’t know how to fix it. I just wanted to be good enough for you, but I felt like I kept failing. I did keep failing. Not only myself, but you. And every time I tried to stop, I only made it worse by going back.”

You felt a lump form in your throat, emotions threatening to overtake you. “You didn’t have to do it alone, Harry. We could’ve figured it out. I told you that we could do it. I didn’t need you to be perfect. I just needed you to... be there. To care. But you shut me out. You shut me out for so long, and I couldn’t... I couldn’t keep chasing you. That’s why I just gave up, I had to. I couldn’t tread along a path where I wasn’t welcomed in the first place.”

The words hung in the air between you, the realization of how much hurt had built up over time. But as you stood there, facing him, you saw it. The change in his eyes. The recognition of the damage, yes— but also something else. Something more. A flicker of hope. A small, almost imperceptible spark that told you he wasn’t giving up. Not now. Not after everything.

“I know I fucked up,” Harry said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “But I swear to God, this is the last chance. The very last one, please. I’ll do anything. Anything to make this right. I’ll fight for you. I’ll fight for us. I can’t lose you again. I won’t. I don’t know how to, but I want to learn to live in a world where we’re partners again. I pull my weight just as much as you do yours. I want you to rely on me, not the other way around.”

Your heart pounded in your chest, his words like a weight pressing down on you. You could feel the sincerity in his voice, could see the vulnerability in his eyes. It was the truth. It was raw, painful, but it was the truth.

You took a step forward, your hands trembling as you reached out, your fingers brushing against the chain in his grasp. For a long moment, you just stood there, looking at him, allowing yourself to finally feel the relief of someone who had been waiting for the truth, waiting for him to finally open up, to finally show you that he was willing to try.

And then, in a moment of raw, unspoken need, Harry closed the distance between you. He stepped forward, his hands reaching for you, cupping your face gently, like he was afraid you might disappear if he wasn’t careful. Without a word, he kissed you.

It was soft at first, a tentative, almost hesitant touch, as if he was testing the waters, unsure if you’d pull away or if you’d kiss him back. But then, just as quickly, the kiss deepened, becoming desperate, as if both of you had been starved for this moment for far too long. The world around you disappeared. There was no past, no pain, no mistakes. There was only the present— the electricity between you two, the familiar warmth that radiated through your veins, and the overwhelming feeling that, for the first time in a long time, everything felt right again.

His lips were warm against yours, his fingers threading through your hair as he pulled you closer, his touch frantic and tender all at once. You could feel his heart beating in his chest, the rhythm matching your own. There was no hesitation now, no doubt. Just two people, tangled up in each other, hoping that maybe, just maybe, they could find their way back to something real.

When you finally pulled away, breathless and shaky, you rested your forehead against his, eyes closed. “I still love you, Harry,” you whispered, the words slipping out without thought, but they were the truth, and they felt like a weight lifting off your chest.

“I love you too,” he murmured back, his voice rough, but steady. “And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll make it right. I swear. I promise you, I don’t want to be that person ever again.”

For the first time in a long time, you believed him. You believed that maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of something new. Something better.

And as you stood there, in the stillness of the church, in each other’s arms, you knew that, despite everything, you had found your way back to each other.

It took a lot of work through the years. Lots of AA meetings, where you helped Harry confide in those around him about his struggles of alcohol and drugs. There were nights where it seemed like time had slowed down when he’d try to go to bed, waking up every two hours with a certain itch to scratch. But you woke up every time with him, holding his hand and turning on a film to watch over a cup of tea, and then you held him close as he fell back asleep.

Four years later, you proudly wore a ring on your finger as you lifted the test from the bathroom counter, showing it to your Harry. A Harry who was finally away from the drugs and the alcohol, even socially refused a drink, whether he had been with you or not. 

“We’re having a baby?” Harry looked down at the test, then back at you with wide eyes fired with excitement. Something that said he was nervous yet excited yet scared yet so ready.

“We are,” you breathed out through shaky tears, a huge smile growing on both of your faces.

That night, he held you extra tight, his hands sprawled on your belly. 

It felt so good to have him back, and that feeling never went away since that night at the church. It felt so good for Harry to keep his promise.

[greenerteacups]

Jkr as a writer anon, sorry for the follow up!

I so agree with you! One of the things that I found kind of… not smooth in this transition, is that she wanted the characters to behave in a certain way which would serve the plot and would be very “we knew all along that Harry is a messiah and was supposed to die” while never giving them space for reaction.

Snape is shocked at the revelation that Harry was “brought up like a pig for slaughter”, and he does… nothing. Characters have no time to react to that, too, they have no time to get angry and upset. Hermione and Ron are not even allowed to contemplate that their best friend, a very precious and loved friend, was brought up so that he could sacrifice himself, and that in aligning themselves with him they also became in the eyes of Dumbledore fair targets. An orphan, a sixth Weasley boy and a muggleborn walk into a bar, and no one cares.

I always felt like Sirius was not supposed to die this early. There are empty spaces where his character should have been in later books (regulus mystery feels like something very glaring, no one reacts to that, there is no emotional pay off - that’s what I mean).

And at the end she just slaps Harry calling his kid after Snape and Dumbledore, to shut the plot hole completely. Idk. Feels very… authoritarian to me

So it's really interesting you say that!! Because — and you may know this, so sorry if I'm rehashing — Sirius was only one of several names on the shortlist for the Big Death at the end of Book 5. Miscellaneously it's been said in fandom spaces that Arthur was the "original sacrifice" for OOTP, but to be honest, I can't find any primary sources for that, and I think it's one of these fandom urban legends that people have been shopping around without sources for so long they're accepted. The best I can do is this Leaky Cauldron interview from 2007, where the interviewer asks her "what would have changed if you killed Arthur in Book 5?" Which is not the same thing as her saying that she was going to! But then again, since it's an excerpt, it might have been in response to a remark she made earlier about him being the original. Here's the quote:

I think they would have been very different and it’s part of the reason why I chose my mind (sic) … By turning Ron into half of Harry, in other words by turning Ron into someone who had suffered the loss of a parent, I was going to remove the Weasleys as a refuge for Harry and I was going to necessarily remove a lot of Ron’s humor. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t kill Arthru (sic). I wanted to keep Ron in tact …

Take that as you will. I (a sicko freak) personally love the idea of turning Ron into "half of Harry," conceptually — not necessarily by killing Arthur or Molly but like, the idea of Ron/Harry as foils to each other that are so deeply entwined with each other's lives that they become shadows of each other thematically and plot-wise. Ron yearns to be like Harry and Harry yearns to be like Ron, right? So they both get what they want, and Ron suffers a tragedy, and Harry realizes the terror of having a family to protect. And they trauma-bond over it as they increasingly become the only people who understand each other. Etc. They're destiny, they're chosen soulmates, they're fated to find each other, that's not always a good thing, etc. You know what I'm like.

Incidentally, this is the same interview where we get the infamous "full circle" quote explaining why she killed Lupin and Tonks:

The only other reason I didn’t kill Arthur was that I wanted to come full circle. We started with an orphan, someone who lost their parents because of the war. ANd so I wanted to show it again … Even though you don’t see Teddy, I wanted to express in the epilogue, that he gets an even better godfather than Harry had, because Sirius had ihs (sic) faults, I think we must admit. He was a risky guy to have a s a godfather. Because Teddy gets someone who really has been there, and Harry becomes a really great father figure for Teddy as well as his own children.

So both times, it seems like Arthur's death is contemplated, but he's spared because of what the Weasleys mean to Harry, and the effect it would have on Ron. Which. I've already talked about my thoughts on the Epilogue and Teddy Lupin, so I won't go off about it here. Worth noting, however, that Sirius dies because Book 5 (and this I agree with) wants an "anchoring death," or something to shift the books another step into the dark tone of a war. Book 4 ends with the death of a child; Book 5 ends with death of a parent, an adult. Book 5 is also substantially about disillusionment with the adults around you, and learning to navigate a world of complex, flawed grown-ups who all have substantially more power than you do. So there's a reading where Sirius — someone who's never really "grown up" — dying drives home the lesson of putting childish things aside and seeing people for what they are, etc. Thematically, I'm not mad at it. I am mad at the fact that plot-wise, it bricks up our easiest window into the world of the Blacks, so any first-hand account we could get of Regulus or Narcissa or Bellatrix's upbringing vanishes with him. Tonks and Andromeda theoretically could fill that void, but we never meet Andromeda, and Tonks dies after spending the whole of Book 7 off-page, so we never get that chance to learn what their lives were like. But hey! Can't do everything, I guess.

[blueberri-chee]

「 ✦Siren✦ 」 (pt.2)

"You enjoy making me squirm, don’t you?" The thought seared through my mind as I peeled off the wet shirt clinging to my body like a second skin. Her gaze was scorching, drilling into my back even though I refused to meet it. Every move felt deliberate under the weight of her eyes, as if she were savoring the moment, letting it stretch unbearably thin.

“You are staring a lot,” I muttered. The suite's glass bathroom—so chic, so luxurious—suddenly felt like the cruelest design choice, offering no real privacy. Every outline of me was visible, every motion exaggerated by the soft light spilling in from the room. My skin prickled, equal parts exposed and defiant.

“I’m not the type to waste a good show.” Her voice was a low purr, curling through the air with the same sly confidence as her smirk. I didn’t need to turn around to know she was leaning back lazily, a predator with no intention of hiding the satisfaction etched into her features. Her tone teased and provoked, but there was a precision to her words that made my pulse quicken.

“Why do you even have a honeymoon suite?” I asked, turning over my shoulder, clutching the wet shirt to my chest. I walked to the tap to fill the tub, hoping the steam would fog the glass.

“Curious, and it has a jacuzzi,” she said, leaning back on the bed with a grin that screamed she wasn’t telling the whole truth.

“Got curious?” I chuckled, shaking my head. “Should’ve guessed.” I turned to the sink, undoing my hair and removing my makeup. “What other ‘perks’ does it come with?” I tried to keep my voice casual.

“Free wine, chocolate-covered strawberries—usual honeymoon stuff.”

I rolled my eyes, catching her smirk in the reflection as I leaned closer to the mirror. The cool water against my skin contrasted sharply with the heat of her presence, a mix of physical warmth and something intangible—an emotional pull that I couldn’t quite name. It was the kind of heat that seemed to radiate from her every movement, her gaze heavy with intent, setting my nerves alight. I tried to focus on the water, its soothing chill a lifeline, but the magnetic tension in the air made it impossible to ignore her presence entirely. I could hear the bed creak as she shifted, her movements deliberate, amplifying the tension in the room.

“And do you bring people here often to enjoy these perks?” I asked, feigning nonchalance.

“No,” she said, her voice deliberate. “Only when the company is worth it.”

Her words made me pause, my hands stilling mid-motion as a sudden warmth spread across my cheeks. I bit the inside of my lip, willing the heat to subside, but the flutter in my chest betrayed me. My fingers hovered over the sink, desperate to keep moving, to distract myself from the way her words clung to the air like an unspoken challenge. I fought the urge to glance at her, afraid of what her gaze might reveal—and worse, what mine might betray. My chest tightened, a strange mix of irritation and something warmer bubbling to the surface. Her tone felt too precise, as if she could see through the careful façade I had been holding onto all night. Part of me bristled at her audacity, but another part—a quieter, more dangerous part—wanted to hear more.

Clearing my throat, I busied myself with undoing my hair, letting the damp strands fall over my shoulders. “Enjoying the perks?” she teased, her tone playful but laced with something deeper.

I glanced at her reflection. She lounged on the bed, her frame stretched out, eyes fixed on me with an intensity that sent a shiver down my spine. I hated how much I liked it.

I ignored her, turning back to the tub. The steam curled up in languid, sinuous tendrils, clinging to the glass like whispers of tension, blurring the world beyond into soft, unrecognizable shapes. It mirrored the dynamic between us—veiled, charged, and impossible to fully grasp—offering me a fragile, fleeting sense of privacy while also amplifying the unspoken electricity that hummed just outside its reach. It felt like a fragile barrier between us, a fleeting sense of privacy. I folded my stockings neatly, trying to focus on the simple task instead of the way my heart raced.

“You know,” she said, her voice cutting through the quiet, “you don’t have to work so hard to avoid me. I’m not going to bite.”

“Unless I ask nicely, right?” I shot back, surprising myself with my boldness. Her soft, rich laugh filled the room, and I bit my cheek to keep from smiling.

The tub was nearly full, so I stepped into the fancy looking bathtub. The warmth of the water melted the night’s tension, the jets gently massaging my back as soft ripples caressed my skin. The subtle scent of lavender from the bath oils mingled with the steam, creating an intoxicating cocoon that dulled the chaos of the evening. The sound of the water cascading from the ornate faucet echoed softly against the marble walls, a symphony of luxury that felt almost surreal. The gold accents on the tub’s edges glinted in the dim light, reminding me of just how out of place I should have felt—but somehow didn’t. Every detail of the bathroom, from the heated tiles underfoot to the faint glow of candles lining the shelves, worked to draw me further into a state of reluctant comfort, even as I knew she was outside, her gaze capable of piercing even this mist-filled sanctuary. The steam cocooned me, shielding me momentarily from the charged air waiting outside.

"I hope you’re enjoying yourself in there," her voice floated into the bathroom, smooth and teasing, breaking through the tranquility of the steam-filled air. My eyes blinked open, the serenity of the bath momentarily shattered.

"What are you doing?! Get out!" I sank deeper into the foamy water, the bubbles rising around me like a shield. Snatching up the nearest loofah, I hurled it in her direction, though it barely grazed the edge of the doorway. "At least knock, you idiot!"

She laughed, the sound rich and unapologetic, and casually placed a folded T-shirt and something else on the dry sink. "No need to get violent, bubbles," she drawled, her grin maddeningly smug. "I’m just being thoughtful and bringing you some clothes... though I won’t mind if you decide you don’t need them."

I glared at her, my cheeks burning, but she only winked at me before tossing the loofah back into the water with practiced nonchalance. "Relax, bubbles," she added with a smirk, backing out of the room and leaving me alone once more—baffled, flustered, and very much aware of the mischievous energy she’d left behind, lingering like the steam in the air. 

Bubbles?!

[mechazushi]

Heart-To-Heart {A Kaiju Number 8 Short story.}

[Warning: Major Character Death] [Warning: Depictions of Gore]

It was a long drive back to the First Division base. It felt even longer since you could feel everyone collectively reeling from the news. It hadn't hit the front-liners just yet. The higher ups were waiting to see just how many were going to come back from the fight alive first. Mina and Soshiro couldn't bring themselves to tell Reno or Kikoru just yet either. They knew something was off when they rushed their friend into an armored truck as soon as the dust settled. They were just going to have to writhe in a lack of understanding for a little while longer. At least, just until the captain and vice captain could get a better understanding of what Kafka; or, they guess in this new situation, Kaiju Number 8, was now.

"You seem to have developed a new staring problem." Hoshina observed bitterly.

Him and his captain were riding in the back of a mostly empty armored box truck. Other than them, there was what was to be assumed to be what remained of Kafka. That being just... the kaiju itself. It wasn't clear what had happened to Kafka after the end of the fight, but that's why they were in here. Although, neither of them felt like getting a head start on questioning.

"Apologies. It's just... you, remind us... of someone. Someone... we miss." Kaiju Number 8 spoke as it cocked its head to the side, it's sight not leaving the commander's face.

It was strapped to a metal chair again, similar to the one they had placed their friend in three months prior. It's voice wasn't the same as Kafka's anymore. Even when Kafka was in his Kaiju form, you could still hear it and tell it was still Kafka, even if it had developed a deeper tone and a rolling grumble. Now... there was nothing of that jolly voice left. It sounded more like listening to a stadium of people talking in unison behind a closed door. It was almost hard to listen too... in more ways than one.

"We? All I see is the one knucklehead." Hoshina retaliated, his voice unchanging. A brief pause was filled with a low, clicking growl. Almost like thunder rolling over mountains.

"Was that a purr? He fucking purrs now?" Hoshina thought as he continued to return the stare down the Kaiju was giving back.

"Looks like... we, won't miss... him... for much... longer." Kaiju Number 8 said with an uncanny level of hope in its voice. It was an odd sight watching the kaiju speak. It moved its mouth like it was talking, but the movement didn't match the words themselves.

"We. You keep saying we. Why is that?." Mina spoke up for the first time since they entered the vehicle. They watched the kaiju as it took its time coming up with an answer.

"We are... gone. All gone. We are now... shame. Regret... Fear. Rage...Revenge." Kaiju Number 8 said cryptically.

"Well, that wasn't exactly helpful." Mina thought.

"Revenge? Against what?" Hoshina questioned on his turn.

"To finish... what we started. To kill... Kill all Kaiju." It said as it's voice became more threatening, dropping in tone and developing a deeper growl.

A harsh, wheezing laugh came from the vice captain as he got up to walk around the container.

"Great. The damn thing's turned you worse than a mindless, killing dog." He muttered to himself as he was turned away from both of them.

"Hoshina." Mina said with a warning tone, having heard what he had said very clearly.

"Oh, don't act like you're being okay about this! How is anyone going to be okay about this? How's he okay about this?" Hoshina suddenly became very shrill and his movements became exaggerated despite him still feeling the toll the back-to-back fights had put on him, "This is Kafka we're talking about! Or, well, at least it was Kafka."

"Our host... is still here." the kaiju interrupted, "He has joined... the others." There was a weighty pause as the information settled into the commanders.

"Is there... a way to bring him back?" Mina cautiously questioned, trying to not let her hope betray her tone.

"He was presented... a choice. To heal his own heart... and walk away. Or to let it become... our new core." It spoke longer now, gaining speed as well as confidence while it acclimated to it's new state. That harsh laugh rang out again from Hoshina's bruised lips as he tried to not shake his head at the absurdity.

"Why am I not surprised. Ohhh, I should have seen this coming." He sighed as he gently rubbed his face, "He didn't have to do any of this. I had that fight handled." the vice captain continued to mutter as he paced the metal box. This earned a disappointed look from his captain and a curious head tilt from the strapped down Kaiju.

"Oh, don't give me that look." Hoshina said quickly.

"You said he's... that Kafka is still around. Do you think that... it's possible he can hear us?" Mina continued to question cautiously, her heart quietly grasping at any straws that Kafka could have a chance. A chance to understand, to come back to them, or anything that would assuage the pain she felt in her chest, she didn't know.

"He can... He is." the Kaiju answered. Mina tried to prepare a statement, something that could have be reassuring to the both of them at the moment, but the words were killed on her tongue as Hoshina stomped over to their altered friend and slapped a hand on one of the metal arm cuffs while he rudely pointed his finger at it's chest.

"Good. Then that self-sacrificing, one-percent lump of dead weight can hear in great detail about how I'm going to jump down your throat and drag his hairy ass back into the sunlight the second the option seems viable." Hoshina was growling and practically frothing at the mouth by the time he finished his tirade. He took a deep and shuddering breath as he stared the unflinching Kaiju down before calmly turning his head to side-eye his captain.

"You've picked one hell of a friend, captain." he said, his tone unfortunately still harboring misplaced resentment. Mina's normally unflinching face cracked as her brows furrowed and her lips pinched as she got up from her seat.

"You're the one that wanted him on the force." her voice was dark and deceptively even as Hoshina rose to meet her eyes.

"You might want to rethink your tone, captain." He said, trying not to spit it back in her face. The tension in the air pulled tighter and tighter behind the sound of the road noise, only to be cut short as the Kaiju in the room spoke up.

"Kafka... Were you and Kafka... friends?" It asked softly. The two of them turned to face it with puzzled expressions.

"Did having him melt into your little hive mind not already clue you in to that?" Hoshina scoffed.

"It did." The kaiju answered.

"Then why ask?" Mina questioned slowly, becoming deeply curious as well as a little worried for the answer.

"He felt he had... lost the honor." it said as it's white pupils flicked away sympathetically, "He had... broken his promise."

Hoshina shook his head a little at the answer, not understanding completely what that would mean to Mina. He was already aware at this point that her and Kafka were childhood friends, but without any deeper knowledge as to what that friendship meant to each other, he just felt left out of the loop. What ended up grabbing his attention was a shallow, rattling breathing next to him. He turned to look at his captain and saw an emerging and disheartening marvel. Mina seemed to be on the verge of tears. Lips quivering and tears threatening to spill from her shocked eyes.

"Hadn't he?" the kaiju asked, tilting it's head again.

The final nail in the coffin it seemed. Mina spun around on her heels and sprinted to the container's reinforced doors as she put her finger up to her ear comm.

"Stop the vehicle." She commanded, her voice not betraying an ounce of what she felt at the time.

A brief pause was held before she commanded again, this time screaming the order into the comm. Hoshina quickly widened his stance against the force of the truck breaking suddenly.

"Mina?" Her voice captain called out as he watched the back doors fly open and his captain hop down and out of the vehicle.

He tried to rush forward and catch up to her, only for the doors to be slammed back in his face before he could leave. He banged his fist on the metal for a moment, hoping for someone to open them back up. All he felt was the truck rumbling back to life and continuing down the road. He shook his head in disbelief and concern, not knowing why his captain reacted like that.

"Do you believe... that this is not a good price... to pay?" that infinitely echoing voice rang out from the back of the truck.

"What?" Hoshina spat, not understanding the question.

"You continue to fight against... what has already been decided. Do you think that... this form... was not a good price... to pay?" It spoke slowly, not in intentional mockery, to be sure, but it felt like it to Hoshina.

"Pay? Pay for what?" he shouted back.

"No more lost lives... No more shattered families... No more broken promises." It spoke, leaving the idea open ended. It didn't need to expand further anyway. Hoshina got the idea pretty well as he calmed down.

The only thing worse than a predictable friend, was knowing how predictable you were yourself. Because Hoshina asked himself the same hypothetical question and found himself coming to the same answer. A heart for a core... a thousand times over.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿

"Epidermis breached. Eight, you're up!" Soshiro called as he leapt back from the entry wound he caused in their newest threat.

Some sort of bastard child of the Meraki Kaiju a year earlier. It hadn't developed Number Nine's shape shifting abilities or possessed any way of speaking, but it damn sure inherited its intelligence. Emerging without warning in the northern part of Japan, it made it clear it still had an ax to grind. A writhing mass of acidic smelling meat, tentacles, and eyeballs, it looked the part to start a spaghetti monster themed cult.

Kaiju Number Eight made a mad dash from the sidelines, focusing solely on getting to the gaping wound the Vice Captain had started. Getting to the weeping slash, it pried the edges of it apart with as much force as it could muster, sending violent arterial sprays of acid around, over, and behind it. From then, it was just a fury of movement. Strong claws ripping and yanking large chunks of hazardous flesh from the threatening mass of black and sending it away from them so it could dig ever further to its center. An example of perfectly honed equilibrium comprised of streamlined intent and raw berserker rage. A flicker of bright, webbed strings of multi-colored light let it know that its destination had been reached. Quickly scrapping the muscle around the core, the Kaiju noticed that the monster had picked up another thing from its progenitor; a hard-light barrier around the core.

"Core two of three located. Beginning demolition." Eight called out loud enough to be picked up by its custom ear comm.

"Core sighting confirmed. Begin neutralization." Okonogi had said on the other end of the link.

It reared back its fist as it felt the thruster tubes in its forearm slide out and into position. It waited for the jets to build up sufficient pressure before letting it send its fist rocketing forward to the shield with each punch.

First hit.

Second hit.

Third hit. Shields gone.

Fourth hit.

Fifth hit. Core shattered.

"Energy readings dropped. Core Destroyed! Good work Kaf-I mean, Eight!" Okonogi let out a reserved cheer as she read out the information at her station.

That wasn't the only surprise the monster had in store it seemed. Just as Eight turned to launch itself out of the slowly enclosing wound, a barbed tentacle shot out from behind the broken core and propelled through its chest with enough force to send its body flying out and down the street. When the tentacle stopped moving, Eight's body flew off of it, feeling the barbs rip through its flesh as it tumbled through the air. Eight hit the asphalt, hard. Would have sent any ordinary officer unconscious with a concussion even if they had the suit's shield. It felt itself rolling down the street and over the harsh edge of a curb. With the wind knocked out of it's lungs and the very obvious sign that it's blood was pouring out from its chest, it made the now monumental effort to prop itself against a solid surface and take a mental rundown of the damage. Bringing a clawed hand to its chest, it made the devastating discovery.

"Well... shit."

On the other side of the offending mass of destruction was Mina and Narumi, tag-teaming their attacks to crack the first layer of the Kaiju. Dodging the slashing appendages coming for them left and right, they felt they weren't any closer to breaking its resistant shell. The fight had been going on for so long that the both of them could feel their fortitude percentage dropping with every twitch of muscle. Out of nowhere, Mina saw her vice captain drop from the air in front of them and plunge the sword in his suit's tail to cut a deep gash in the beast top-to-bottom.

"Heard ya'll were having some trouble." Hoshina panted with a bloody and cocky grin.

"Hoshina! You're supposed to watch Eight's back!" Mina yelled as she shifted her cannon's muzzle away from him.

"Kafka got his mission handled. He should be on his way." Hoshina replied as he dashed in a circle around her, dicing up any tentacles shooting out her way.

"About that! Eight's vitals just dropped off the map!" Okonogi cried in panic, watching the screens turn red.

The captain and her vice immediately looked to each other as their faces turned to shock. Okonogi could only watch as she witnessed everyone's vitals go haywire at the news. Mina could just barely bring herself out of her nightmarish thoughts and leveled her cannon at the kaiju's gaping wound, making sure it stayed open a little longer.

"Go to him! Me and the Bowl-cut Bastard can handle this!" Narumi cried as he fought off his own barrage of barbed obstacles.

Mina looked over to her vice as he reassured her with a quick nod before jumping into the fray with Narumi. She whistled hard and loud, calling her faithful tiger to her aid. She leaped onto its back and held on tight while they tracked down their fallen comrade, trying not to think the worst.

Back on the other side, Eight had managed to prop itself against a shockingly still intact dumpster next to one of the few miraculously standing buildings this close to the fight. Black rivulets of blood trailed behind it and stained its path to false safety. A jagged tunnel had been left behind from the tentacle's blow, acting as the main source of agony and fear for its health. This kind of an injury wouldn't normally be a problem, even the acid melting away at his chest wouldn't have raised any concern. It's healed from worse before, but not this time. No, this time was a problem as it could feel where the barbs had ripped and shredded its way through its core and the acid making quick work of whatever was left to touch.

Inside the dark, flesh textured walls of their mind, Kafka's presence manifested as a battered and broken soldier. Redder blood leaked from various gashes on his face and body. Dark, angry bruises littered his sore chest and limbs. Outside of the pain, he mostly felt numb. At most, a dull ache in his chest where his heart-turned-core would have been. He turned to one of the other presences in his mindscape, the samurai soldier that held his powers before him, and smiled a weak smile. He couldn't tell if the samurai was as badly battered as he was, but he could tell in the way he held his chest they at least felt the same pain. Kafka chuckled raspingly as he turned and shuffled toward the last being in the brain, the big Kaiju bug that held all the power, and painfully shambled his way over to it.

"So... Was that a damn good last run or what?" Kafka playfully mocked as he carefully settled himself to the floor, leaning back against the equally battered Kaiju bug.

"No... We're not finished. We have to finish the fight!" The samurai shouted wheeling around to Kafka, still clutching his chest.

"Can't do that if there's no more fight left in us, Papaw. Face it... We're fucked." Kafka panted from the pain as it spread more viciously and his muscles released its tension.

"How dare you call yourself an officer! There are still lives on the line back there!" the samurai angrily shouted at him.

"AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT US TO CONTINUE WITHOUT ANOTHER FUCKIN' CORE, HUH?" Kafka screamed back with more rage than the samurai could ever express.

There was a lot of words that both of them wanted to say, things to be said in anger and fear, in hopelessness and tiredness. But they were getting tired themselves, feeling the energy being sapped from their muscles and the warmth being leached at the same rate as their blood. There was no denying that this... this was it. No more hearts for cores, no second chances, no turning back the clock. Kafka never got to feel what it was like to be by Mina's side. The Samurai won't get to see other people live a life without fear from otherworldly threats. The kaiju that made all this possible will never know what a quiet mind could have felt like.

"But we got close though, didn't we?" Kafka softly begged, "Tell me we got close, Papaw."

The samurai looked down for a moment, seeming to think his response over, before looking away entirely.

"Even if one fails to reach the moon, one still lies among the stars." He finally said, still not looking back.

Kafka gave a soft smile in return, leaning his head back as his head grew heavy with a lead-like feeling. He knew he didn't mean it, but appreciated the effort anyway.

"And not a night sky to be seen." Kafka muttered to himself as the dark started to overtake his sight.

Something in the back of his mind wouldn't let him rest completely, however. He could sense something coming closer and moving in rapidly. He could tell it was a kaiju, but a smaller one giving off an abnormal but familiar signature. Mina's tiger, no doubt bringing its owner along with it.

"Shit. Can't let Mina see us like this." Kafka groaned painfully as he tried to stand both inside and outside the body, "She doesn't need to see this."

The samurai just eyed his mental roommate from the unchanging confines of his mask and made no move to help the struggling Kafka up to his feet. In their mind's eye, they watched as Mina dismounted and bolted forward to their devastatingly injured remains. Her voice was muffled, but they could definitely sense the distress in her tone as she dropped to her knees by their side.

"Oh God! Nonono, KAFKA!" Mina cried as she harshly dropped to her knees beside his still body. She brought up a hand to its chest wanting to slow the profuse bleeding, only to feel the massive opening staying warm through the power of the acid alone. It became all too clear to her that at this moment... that her friend couldn't be salvaged

"Mina... please. You need to go." Eight muttered out as more blood dripped from its teeth.

"No, Kafka, this can't be it! Not like this. I can't lose you again." Mina's eyes rained its tears freely, taking advantage of their privacy to stop holding back in this vulnerable moment.

She could barely hear the sounds of the on going battle in front of them through her wet sniffling and ragged coughing. She held on tight to its chest and shoulder, trying to focus her thoughts away from another time. An earlier time where this had happened before, where she lost the last pieces of her long gone friend. Her cheeks were hot with anguish as she bowed her head against its shoulder, thinking of any and all prayers she could think of. She didn't want this moment to finish and take the last shreds of hope she had with his passing.

Back in the dark passages of their mind, Kafka had only managed to drag himself to his hands and knees as he tried to speak to Mina. He barely had enough strength to keep himself upright, let alone to project his voice out of the confines of his mind. The samurai just stood still as it quietly watched this all go down.

"Mina... Mina I'm so sorry *cough* for everything... I... I know this is going to be hard... but I know that... you can be strong-" Kafka coughed again and almost landed on his face from exhaustion. Planting his trembling arms as firmly as possible underneath him, he tried to look over at the samurai standing next to him.

"For fuck's sake, Papaw! Can you help me up sometime today, please?" He called out as he managed to lean back onto his legs somewhat.

He watched as the samurai continued to ignore him, not even bothering to look his way. As Kafka busied himself with finding the strength within him to push Mina away in any way he could, he missed the telltale sound of a sword being pulled out of its sheath. As Kafka got off of one knee, he felt something hard and sharp push its way through the back of his neck and out of his mouth. He instantly felt all of his limbs going numb in that second and all of his weight being carried by what was shoved through his neck.

As the sword pulled itself back out, Kafka felt warm trickles of his blood start running down the back of his throat. He couldn't swallow the blood into a different direction and could only feel it all sliding right into his lungs, making him choke reflexively. As he fell onto his face, he felt the growing pain from the wound grow from the back of his head and slowly turn into the worst, practically splitting headache he had ever felt before now. Feeling his body twitching from the numbness and his lungs quaking in the fight against being able to breathe, he just laid there and saw his Ancestor flick his sword and clean it on his sleeve before placing it back into the sheath. Had Kafka not been choking on his own blood or had enough feeling in any of his limbs, he would have certainly returned the favor. What happened instead was the feeling of the floor opening up underneath him and dropping him down into that familiar, watery, bottomless pit in their shared conscious, eyes and mind growing darker the further down he drifted.

Back up top, his Ancestor took control of the body and started talking to the grieving Mina.

"Mina..." He called out.

"Kafka? Kafka, are you still with me?" Mina cried out desperately as she continued to hold the body close.

"We need... another heart." He asked, trying to stretch out whatever remaining willpower he had left to finish his request.

"A heart?" Mina questioned in the interlude, slowly gaining control over her tears.

"Yes... Another heart... for another core." He finished, hoping for Mina to understand what he was asking of her.

"A... a heart." Mina reiterated as the request she began to realize what was being asked of her, "I-I can't... I can't ask something like that from anyone..."

"You don't have to ask... If they're not here to question..." He answered, hoping he wouldn't have to spell it out further than that.

Mina's eyes grew wide as the tears threatened to spill over again. He was asking for her to drag over an already dead body? Just to continue fighting? Warning lights went off in her head as this ask dawned on her. Kafka would never ask for something like this, it was too underhanded. But then again... Maybe this wasn't Kafka talking anymore. Maybe Kafka was gone, and it was whoever made Eight was talking now. It had to have been, because Kafka's hate for the Kaijus was never deep enough to warrant this.

Still... some part of Mina refused to give up on him. Even if he wasn't the one talking right now, Eight was all she had left of her friend. Mina was strong, she led the forces, she joined the Division because of Kafka. She had watched him struggle year after year to catch up to her, falling back to square one every time. This Kaiju helped him on his last chance to get his foot in the door, and she hated to admit that it was probably the biggest reason as to how he managed to stay this long.

It wasn't the only reason, however. If the Kaiju helped him physically, his promise to her helped him in every other way. All he wanted was to be by her side, and even after every roadblock and setback and debilitating snag he hit, he got to this moment... this fight, and it was the closest he had ever gotten to fulfilling it. But one can't be expected to carry that kind of fight alone. She knew that well enough after blitzing through the ranks to Captain. At some point, a hand needs to be extended, a branch to hold on to, a sign that this isn't a one sided fight. That someone else wants what they want too, and wants to see that dream realized for them... with them. It took both of her hands to muscle the slackened arm up to her chest and placed the bloodied and acid-stained hand over her own heart.

"Take mine... You can take mine." She said, her voice betrayed no cracks, only a solitary hiccup.

"Mina... no. Anyone else..." The ancestor argued, knowing well enough that this would hurt more than just Mina.

"Well, you're not getting anyone else, goddamnit!" Mina screamed, " I've wanted too damn long for you to be by my side and watching you sacrifice everything on the dotted line, just for it all to stop here! I'm tired of waiting. I'm done waiting."

She placed her head back on its shoulder, waiting for it to decide. She worried that she took too long and that there wasn't any life left within it to finish the task. Eight found enough strength to bring his head over to the top of her's and lightly placed his closed mouth on it. For he had no lips to kiss away her fears, or a voice left to reassure her that everything would be okay. All it could give was a low, throaty rumble as her tears fell down like a storm.

'I'm sorry... for everything.' It thought.

A loud squelching noise was heard in tandem with a dull ache suddenly spreading out in her chest. Mina looked down and could see that Eight's hand had pushed itself through the barriers of her suit and was now being drenched in warm rivers of red blood. Her lungs spasmed irregularly as that dull ache started to feel more and more staticy. As she coughed, she felt a little spurt of blood splatter out of her mouth. Eight waited for her eyes to roll into the back of her head and for her body to grow limp before he sucked her heart out of her chest. Warmth began to travel down its arm and flowed freely into the rest of its body. It shed one lone black tear as the cavity in its chest began to close up.

Soshiro and Narumi's fight with the Daikaiju had gotten only a little further than nowhere in the time that Mina had left them. Soshiro had managed to keep the wound that he had made earlier open and could only stand by and watch as Narumi ventured inside it while slicing his way deeper in. A weighty moment had passed before he saw that back of Narumi's suit being propelled toward him at unbelievable speed. The two of them made contact and were sent flying backwards. Hoshina took his own fair share of damage as he ended up getting abruptly sandwiched between a broken piece of a stone wall and the full weight of Narumi in his numbered suit and weapon.

"Augh! What the hell, Narumi?" Hoshina cried out in pain as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Damn thing must have learned from the last two times we hit its core! It tried to skewer me with a tentacle and launch me backwards. I managed to deflect it with my weapon, but Jesus! That acid stings!" Narumi yelled as he shifted off of Hoshina's lap, trying to use his now ruined jacket to wipe off the rest of the acidic blood from the suit.

Hoshina tried to get back onto his feet, but could only manage to slowly shift himself onto a knee. Bracing himself against the wall, he leveled his one undamaged eye toward the hulking monstrosity before them. He panted heavily as he weighed his options, finding all of them to be far from satisfactory plans to finish this brutal beast once and for all. Still, no one could rest until that thing was put down for good.

"Get up Narumi." Hoshina growled through his pain, "We need to finish this." Narumi just squinted up at him with a question on his mind, before deciding that the smack talk back wasn't worth the effort. As they propped themselves to their feet as best they could, an unearthly voice came over the ear comms.

"Hoshina. Narumi. Stand down and head to safety." the voice commanded with easy authority.

Hoshina peered his head over the chunk of wall first. Off in the distance he saw a slim figure walking towards them. The sound of metal dragging over asphalt matched the sight of the stilted silhouette and its heavy looking object it brought with them. He grabbed Narumi by the shoulder and dragged them both off to the side of the street to hide behind more rubble. Leaning against a shattered chunk of roadblock, Hoshina watched with great interest as the figure got closer and closer. The sound of metal being dragged got replaced with the sound of metal being loudly pried apart, sheets and gears popping and buckling under great pressure. He studied the new arrival as best he could from his distance and made one startling discovery after another.

The being that approached looked almost like Eight and carried Mina's cannon. Only now that cannon had looked like it was caught in a tangle of thick, black, jungle vines that had wound itself into every part of the complex machine. The body that was connected to the cannon looked very different from what he remembered as well. Eight looked taller, leaner, and not as wide. And he certainly knew that Eight didn't have a full head of long black hair.

Narumi watched the new figure as well, but was focused on a very specific part of them. He watched the new kaiju open one set of eyes, then a second set below that, then a third set above them both. It only got stranger as he saw the borders of the eye's sockets stretch and lengthen out to the borders of the other eyes. Once the edges touched, the sides popped open and the eyes melded into each other, forming one long, glowing, teal band extending across the width of its face.

The tentacles on its arm had finished their job of weaving their way through the cannon and lifted the whole mess level with its target, the Kaiju everyone had been fighting. Hoshina watched on in slowly dawning horror as he heard the voice on the comms match to the movement of the teeth on the new Kaiju warrior in front of them.

"All should know better than to be caught in their Captain's line of fire."

Inside the mind of the new beast, Kafka could feel his mind turning on to a sense of alertness. It almost felt like waking up from a paralyzing nightmare. As he blinked his eyes and got them to focus, he tried to recall what had sent him sprawling over the floor in his own mind. His memories slowly worked their way forward from the moment he entered the fray, to when he felt the acidic sting of the tentacle pierce his core. He rolled onto his side and brought up a hand to rub his face, trying to dislodge anything more important or at least relevant. Even moving around in his listless state, he could instantly tell he felt different. His arms didn't feel sore or bruised, his chest had lost its weighty pain that had settled deep in his core. His core. If that had been broken, then how was he still able to think? As Kafka landed on his back and pushed himself up onto his hands, a deep, reverberating thump rattled in his chest as more recent memories started to crop up.

The fight. The killing shot. Crawling away to hide his shameful death. Mina... Oh gods, Mina! She found him, and... and... His Ancestor, the samurai. What did he do to him? Kafka felt his chest tighten as his breathing became labored and ragged, quick puffs of angry air sucking its way past his teeth. He shot up to his feet quickly, the lack of pain making him all the more angry at the thought of his Ancestor committing some atrocity that somehow fixed this. His only reasoning for this being that if it wasn't supposed to be a bad decision, then why bother silencing Kafka at all?

"WHERE ARE YOU?" he screamed out into the vast space of his mind, "FACE ME AND EXPLAIN, YOU COWARD!"

Kafka made a slow turn, viciously eyeing down any shadow in the dark recesses of his mind that could have been his murderer's form. Spying a dark shape off in the distance behind him, he turned and ran toward it, thinking it to be the samurai. As he got closer and closer, it became very clear that this new person wasn't the samurai. His Ancestor didn't have a flowing curtain of black hair, nor did it wear a defense force suit. He slowed down his pace for a second, becoming worried and praying that his mind had just decided to play a cruel joke on him, now of all times.

"Mina?" Kafka hesitantly called out, a thousand prayers for salvation from this fear echoed in his heart.

He watched on in horror as the familiar shade turned to the sound of its name and faced him with shock in her eyes. He picked up speed again, this time not with intent to maim and harm, but to approach this mirage of agony faster with the hopes that he'll just run right through it.

"No. No, no, no, nononono, MINA!" He cried as he got close enough to see that this wasn't a horrible joke, but a nightmare made flesh.

Carelessly plowing right into her, Kafka held her tight as they fell to the softly giving floor. Sobs racked his ribs and shuddered his lungs as he scrambled to his hands and knees. His hands roughly busied themselves with pulling her onto his lap and brushing strands of hair out of her face, chanting that simple word over and over. They slowed as the realization of this, of her physically being in his mind really meant, began to chip away at his already war-torn heart. He could feel himself rocking back and forth, cradling Mina's warm body close to him as he looked into her unbothered expression with his being stained with a flood of tears. He supposed it was him trying to bring comfort to Mina, but as her gentle hand placed itself on his cheek and stroked with her thumb, he knew that this was all to comfort him.

"No, Mina why? Why would you do this? You had to have known, right? I would never ask you to do this, you had to have known that it wasn't me! Why, Mina? You didn't have to do this." He whispered

Kafka could barely get the words out over the snot and bile building up in his throat. His tears soaked his cheeks and fell like rain onto Mina's hand. His face felt like it was on fire as he sniffed hard and tried to clear his throat. Holding her in his hands made any attempt of composure in vain as it just reaffirmed to him that what was done was irreversible. The Third Division lost its captain, but it certainly didn't feel like he had gained back his friend. He tried to restrain his violent sobs as he felt her arms tighten around his neck, pulling his body down over and closer to Mina. His arms tightened in return as he felt the other hand come up to play soothingly in his hair, the other rubbing gentle circles over his spine.

"My heart... was already yours." She whispered into the crook of his thick neck, the vibrations of the words sending small shockwaves through his torso.

All Kafka could bring himself to do was cry. Cry and scream and cry again until his voice became shot and he had no more tears to shed. Hands forever tight around his new heart.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿

(Some thoughts I had while writing this that won't fit into tags well)

Real quick, I just wanna mention that this is based off of a recent theory that I developed after reading chapter 118 and its that Kn8' true power isn't that fact that he's a shape shifter, or that he's got super strength or a sonic screech or anything else.

His true power is that he can turn hearts into cores, indirectly making itself partially immortal. (we could be immortals, immortals...)

So I see the end of this story going one of two ways:

One: Once the Third Division finds out what happened, they all come to a mutual agreement that they want their hearts cryogenically frozen after death so that Kaiju Number 8 is forever supplied with back-up cores. This ending kinda gives off this lovecraftian feel where in the future, Kaiju Number 8 stops being considered a Kaiju at some point and is more of an amalgamation of undying spirits that haunt the base forevermore.

Two: Kafka pulls a Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. He fights against Papaw first and then proceeds to fight and kill every soul that inhabits his core, ultimately evicting the collective consciousness that made his powers in the first place and distills it into himself. The only better way I think I can explain this is "Imagine Venom bonding to Eddie and then something happening to Eddie, causing Venom to sort of... recreate Eddie. But it's just Venom, so now it's like if Venom was his own host." Kafka is now Kafka, the parasite, and the Kaiju all at once. (He also somehow figures out a way to spit Mina out into her own body so she's fine.)

He's not a human that can turn into a Kaiju or the other way around. By Legal Definition he is, technically, the first, true, Human Kaiju.

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

had quite the night drive earlier this evening.

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

[prickly-paprikash]

Kendrick doesn't just hate Drake as a person. He hates the very idea of Drake.

Hip-Hop is rooted in revolution. In defiance. These are the songs of an oppressed group of people, and decades upon decades people have hated it. Accused of being meaningless and invalid. Media outlets took steps to belittle hip-hop and make sure it isn't recognized as an art form and as a means to fight back.

2Pac spoke of wealth disparity and inequality. Tupac was literally a member of a communist organization when he was younger and never stopped speaking against capitalism.

Lauryn Hill spoke of the struggles a woman faces. Not just women, but black women. Salt-N-Peppa. Queen Latifah. MISSY FUCKING ELLIOT.

N.W.A made sure people knew about police brutality and violence against the Black community.

And now, in this day and age, we're also experiencing an explosion of Queer Hip-Hop. Lil Nas X is at the forefront of this. Lil Uzi Vert came out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, even when they knew that a lot of their fans would never use it or even respect them for it. Auntie Diaries, a song about a young man who grew up in a transphobic environment and bought into those beliefs, but could never fully do it because his Uncle loved him so much and taught him a lot of life lessons, and that wisdom translated to him accepting his cousin as a woman as well.

Drake is none of that.

He's the perfect representation of what people think hip-hop is. Flexing. Posturing. Objectifying women. A fucker so insecure he bought 2Pac's ring just to feel like he's part of the black community. Rejected by Rihanna publicly. Tried to groom Millie Bobby Brown. Kissed and inappropriately touched an underage girl during his concert. His songs have inspired so many young boys to treat girls like shit. His belief that the amount of rings and chains and cars he has is the true meaning of success.

Additional Edit: This is my fault. If this post gains more views, then it would be remiss of me not to add to this. It was my fault to begin with, not stating this beforehand because while I did know, I got lost in celebrating Hip-Hop in a place that doesn't usually do so, and rightfully so.

2Pac did fight for wealth equality and better social living for the black community. He also has a long, long history of battery, domestic abuse, and sexual harassment against women. Specifically against women of color. He made a song to celebrate his own mother, but outright refused to give the same show of respect to other women in his life. His hypocritical nature was brushed off in later decades, just the way I did now.

N.W.A is the same. Sexual assault charges, violence—they spoke of Police reform, but refuses to give the same treatment back towards the women in their lives.

50 cent refuses to backtrack on any of his misogynistic lyrics.

Modern rappers of today, such as the dead XXXtentacion. 6ix9ine. Kodak Black.

I do love Hip-Hop. I love rap. And the music itself has always been anti-authoritarian at its core, because those are its roots. And I was happy that circles that did not normally know of it or enjoy it were getting into it, even for one thing like this rap feud.

Lil Nas X, Little Simz, Childish Gambino, Missy Elliot, Queen Latifah, Lauryn Hill—rappers who have at the very least consistently tried to put their money where their mouth is. Who have tried to act in accordance to what they rap and write and sing for.

@shehungthemoon @ohsugarsims finnthehumanmp3 were the ones who rightfully clarified in the comments. I know an apology won't correct my hypocrisy or my stupidity. I should have added all of this before making this post, but I wanted so badly to celebrate a genre of music but failed to do my due diligence in showing a better, holistic view of it. If anyone felt triggered, offended, troubled, frustrated or any other intense negative emotions surrounding this, please do block me. I'm sorry.

[dcxdpdabbles]

DCxDP fic Idea: A little bit of Home

One day, out of the blue, J'onn J'onzz asks if he could celebrate a Martian holiday. He hadn't before, seeing as the pain of losing his people and his home was too fresh, but he missed the holidays of Mars. He felt that if he didn't try to bring back some of his celebrations, then they, too, would be lost to death.

His teammates were happy to celebrate with him; they were touched by his sharing this part of his culture. J'onn explained that all they had to do was bring a childhood food item to feast on. He explains that on Mars, recipes were passed down for generations, and having the ancestral food of friends and family was the second most crucial part of his holiday.

They are then left stunned when he admits that the feast is traditionally held that same night, but he had been too nervous to mention it beforehand. He allows them to change their minds, but no one dares to.

Heroes pour out of the Watch Tower, racing home to begin cooking, and the Martian is told that as soon as they have something, they will return in time for the meal.

No one mentions the tears gathering on the smiling Martian's face. Nor do they say that his humanoid form falls away to his proper form, a rare occasion to witness.

J'onn then starts decorating the Watch Tower as the Justice League members work on what they will each bring.

He places a lot of shimmering rocks in patterns on the ground. They weave and curl through the hallways as members are careful with no stepping on them. He then has Batman help him find different minerals that change the color of sand used in gorgeous art portraits of each member. (The man was more than capable of sending him information while helping Alfred bake cookies)

It took a bit of flying around the world, but he was able to return to the tower a few hours later with all-natural colored sand. (Thank goodness for the teleportation technology Bruce installed)

By then, a few heroes had returned, each carrying a food or drink container.

Those he forms in the cafeteria where the feast will be held. A crowd of heroes stands around, oohing and ahhing, as J'onn uses his telekinesis to move the sands and create all of them simultaneously, putting on a show.

He is singing hauntingly beautiful songs while hanging colorful drapes around the walls in the last few hours leading up to the feast. No one could understand the words, but everyone agreed that J'onn had an incredible voice.

Clark, arriving with three Kent apple pies, smiles. "He sang that at my house on Christmas Day."

J'onn informed everyone that the event would be formal wear- and everyone showed up dressed to the nines. Heroes who still hid their secret identity- like Batman- had arrived in their costumes, but they had added bowties or some other little accessories to make it formal.

Seeing Nightwing fix the tophat on Batman's head while Red Hood was dressed in a lovely suit, forgoing his usual helmet for a red half mask, was..... enlightening.

A few drinks were served while people walked around admiring the sand painting that J'onn had made. He depicted not only the heroes but also multiple parts of the world, then a section of their best missions, and finally, paintings of good memories they had all shared.

It was like a walkable photoalbum.

Spirits were high as members enjoyed themselves, smiling at the memories and chatting with friends in the few peaceful times of their crazy lives. No one could hold in the gasp when J'onn finished getting ready and arrived at the party. He had painted himself in different shades of blue, beaming in pride at the praise for his cultural markings.

He asked everyone to sit, standing to pray in his native tongue. A few heroes bowed their heads, and others merely sat comfortably, waiting for the Martian to finish.

He picked up his cup, raising it high in the air with his hand

"Friends," J'onn started, voicing, choked up with emotion. "I thank you all for joining me today. It means the world to me that you come here to celebrate the King's Feast. May Phantom watch over you all and freeze all your enemies!"

His cup floats out of his hand, turning to the side so the water can fall out and take the shape of a strange D. J'onn bowes his head, crossing his arms and muttering more prayers.

John Constantine, who had been attempting to sneak bites from the steak and kidney he brought, drops his fork. He stares in absolute shock at the flouting water symbol above the martian before Zatanna slaps him on the shoulder. "Don't be rude!"

He points one shaking finger at the Martian, turning to her with a pale face. "The Martians worship King Phantom!?"

She blinks. "Who's that?"

John moves his jaw, but no words leave his mouth as J'onn finishes his last prayer. He then holds up a plate proudly, explaining what it is and why he chose it to share. He encourages every hero to do the same, so voices fill the air one by one as they present their offering and the memory attached to it.

No one pays much mind to the blond British man desperately drawing wards on the ground using his green-colored chalk. When asked what her husband was doing, Zatanna shrugs helplessly.

Likewise, no one notices some of the plates mysteriously lose some of their contents. The food appears on Earth in the room of a very excited Halfa, who feeds on the foods and the emotions weaved into the meals.

J'onn later claims that this Great One Day felt like King Phantom was slightly closer than usual.

[itneverendshere]

LOVED YOU AT YOUR WORST - r.c series - FIVE

pairings: ex!sweethearts; rafe x thornton!reader; rafe x sofia. chapter warnings: mention of pregnancy; abortion; lack of self-care

You’ve had to make a lot of unfortunate decisions in your life.

Choosing a place for your entire family to rest for eternity, picking the caskets, the headstones—it felt like deciding which curtains to buy for the house, except you were burying your entire close family.

After the crash, your parents were gone instantly, just like that—no goodbyes, no warning, just there one moment and gone the next.

But your sister survived. Three days. You thought maybe that was a sign, she’d live despite everything, and you wouldn’t be left alone.

Two weeks later, the doctors told you it was time, but you couldn’t accept it. You held her hand, begging her to stay, telling her every promise you could think of if she opened her eyes.

When the monitors finally went flat, you couldn’t feel anything but desperation. Rafe had to pull you out of there, his arms locked around you while you kicked and screamed, sobbing and begging your sister not to go, not to leave you here.

You fought him with everything you had left, clawing, crying, pleading for just one more second. You were screaming so loud you didn’t even recognize your voice. Everything good had been ripped away from your hands, there was nothing left of the world you’d known.

After that, you remember sitting in some stuffy funeral home office, skimming through catalogs and hardly seeing the pages through your tears. The caskets all looked the same, the types of wood made no difference to you, fabric linings, all of it felt so wrong. 

None of it was a choice you should have to make. 

It was unthinkable to be contemplating about gravestones. How could you sum up your family in limited words or dates, let alone choose a font for it?

You just picked something neutral and blank, something that didn’t require thought or emotion because, by then, you had nothing left to give. 

Now you were trapped again, caught between a rock and a hard place.

Your first thought had been telling Topper, your only real family left, but he was as much Rafe’s as he was yours, and when it came down to it, he was still his best friend. Loyal to him since they were five, and jesus knows how he’d react if he found out about this. He’d most likely freak the fuck out and tell Rafe everything, thinking he was doing the right thing, or worse, letting it slip to Ruthie.

Ruthie—no chance you’d involve her. She’d just see this as another fucked up piece of gossip she could hold over your head, another way to judge or control you. She was “friend” only in the loosest sense of the word.

Kelce was the last person you’d consider turning to for something this serious. He has always been there, but you never got close. He was too much of an instigator, always pushing Rafe to do reckless things he’d regret later, peer pressuring him in ways that made you wonder if he even knew what loyalty meant. He had this weird loyalty to Ruthie, defending her comments as if she was some misunderstood angel when really, she was just… mean.

So that left Sarah. 

It felt weird, thinking of her as the person you’d call on for something so serious, she was the only one who felt… safe. She wouldn’t judge, wouldn’t pry, she’d seen what the worst kind of family conflict could do, and she’d keep this private, just for you.

It’s then you recognized how small your world was. How few people were truly yours.

You were pretty sure no one in this town would fully understand, they’d just offer their "advice," as if they knew you, seen what you’d been through. 

The truth was, they didn’t know shit. They hadn't seen you holding your sister’s hand, begging her to stay alive. They didn’t know what it was like to bury everything that made you feel like a person, like you belonged somewhere, and have to get up the next day like nothing happened.

Nine days, you would be halfway across the country, and you needed someone. You pictured saying it out loud: “I’m pregnant", just those two words, to someone’s face, you had no idea what to say next.

Maybe you’d tell them that it wasn’t about wanting it gone out of spite or shame, but because you couldn’t bring a child into a world where you felt this alone.

Earlier that morning, you’d stared down at your phone, thumb itching to click on Sarah’s name, like just pressing "call" could fix everything. You despised how needy it made you feel—reaching out, when you’d prided yourself on surviving alone. 

You didn’t have much time to ponder about it, because you were stuck at the beach cleanup.

Just like every other summer, another "social responsibility" event that your late father’s foundation insisted you smile through. Even back then, when they were alive, your summers were a carousel of charity galas, fundraisers, endless hours of small talk, and impeccably arranged seating charts.

The board members of the foundation probably thought it would “ground” you—remind you of your privilege, of your “responsibility” to give back. As if a couple of hours and a few bags of garbage would somehow balance the scales. They never seemed to understand how much of it was all for show, this shallow idea that if you looked the part, no one would care to learn more.

But, still, you’d show up. You always did. Smile, make just enough small talk to appease the right people. 

Today, it was just you, a few kids and teens dotted along the beach with oversized trash bags. It wasn’t even noon, but the sun felt like it was scorching you alive. It was laughable, really, standing under this blistering sun with a cheap trash bag and an endless stretch of sand to clean. 

Kie, who was so genuinely invested in this whole “save the planet” thing it was almost enviable was there too with JJ, who was running around her as usual, wearing his ‘I’m just here for the ride’ expression but enjoying himself. The love between them made you miss having someone who cared in ways that weren’t just calculated moves.

She waved at you from the shoreline, her eyes moving to the trash bag you were barely half-filling.

You weren’t friends, but if Sarah liked her, you did too.

You offered a faint smile back, tired, because between all the shit you’d been thinking about, you'd forgotten to eat, to drink anything, and every time you leaned down to grab another crumpled plastic bottle or a bit of seaweed-laden garbage, you felt like your legs were about to give out on you. 

Every now and then, she would throw a quick, appraising glance your way, like she was expecting you to miraculously become invested in the beach’s ecosystem.

You didn’t have it in you to pretend this was enjoyable today. The “effortless” philanthropy your family loved was a lifestyle you’d never bought into. It didn’t matter how many smiling photos of you had ended up on some charity’s social media—you knew you’d rather be anywhere else.

You had to take a break every few minutes, leaning against a pier post, trying to get yourself together as a few of the younger kids gave you wary glances. You could have left—probably should have.

You managed a tight-lipped smile, giving a thumbs-up that said, Just doing great over here, guys!

You were in a long t-shirt, which hung over your bikini and shorts, the fabric slightly oversized, to help hide what was still a small change in your body. Paranoia was your new best friend, always worrying that someone would notice something different, even if you didn’t have a noticeable bump yet.

Bending down to grab another plastic bottle, you felt a stab of nausea hit you hard, rolling up from your stomach, thick and sour, but you ignored it. Not here. Not now.

You straightened up too fast, and your vision blurred slightly, that familiar sense of vertigo hitting you. You took a shallow breath, ignoring the burn at the back of your throat, your hands shaking slightly as you adjusted the bag slung over your shoulder.

One girl looked up at you with these wide eyes kids like to pull, “Are you okay?” 

You smiled, brushing it off as if you weren’t about two seconds away from collapsing. “Of course. Just... need a second.” 

The kids were watching you again, with that look of curiosity. You couldn’t look them in the eye. It wasn’t their fault. They just didn’t understand that sometimes the grown-ups didn’t know what they were doing either. 

Just a few more bags of trash and you’d be able to get back to your car, maybe grab some water from the cooler in the trunk, sit down, and think about it.

This used to be easy, you got a weird kind of enjoyment from these cleanups, running around with your sister, making it a competition to see who could pick up the most trash, laughing until your stomachs hurt over stupid jokes about jellyfish and sunscreen. Back then, this was just one of a thousand little family traditions, one of those things that felt effortless.

Now, sweat dripped down the back of your neck, making your skin prickle uncomfortably.

You’d long given up wiping it away, knowing that it would only come back thicker and hotter the next second. Every instinct told you to run off to the parking lot, and sit in the car with the AC blasting until your body remembered it didn’t hate you.

Leaning down for one last bottle wedged in the sand, your legs wobbled and gave way beneath you. Just like that, your vision was spotty, as if someone had turned down the brightness on the entire beach, and you pitched forward.

Just as you felt yourself going down, a hand caught your arm, pulling you back up.

"Whoa, whoa, you okay?" A teenage boy, maybe sixteen, gripped your arm firmly, keeping you upright.

How much longer could they realistically expect you to go on, plastering on that sweet, dutiful smile? How much “grounding” could one person take?

You blinked, trying to clear the haze in your eyes, "I’m fine. Just a little lightheaded, really, it’s fine,” you insisted, but then a shadow loomed beside you. 

Your vision was so foggy that it took seconds for you to register it.

You looked up slowly, feeling a familiar drop in your stomach as you realized who it was.

The last time you’d been this close to him, the two of you had been screaming insults across the room, Lily having to physically step in. She’d forced him to leave before you two killed each other. It was a miracle you hadn’t punched him then and there.

 “You should sit down.”

It felt like a sidekick to your chest.

The sound of his voice was grinding on your nerves, and just like that you were stuck back in your dream, a real memory, leaning against him, his hand playing with a strand of your hair as he laughed at something you’d said, the two of you carefree under a golden sunset. 

Except this was real.

Rafe was shirtless, with his board tucked under one arm, surf wax staining his fingers, and the sun glinting off his damp skin, like he was God’s gift to the Outer Banks. His buzzed hair was dark and wet, droplets trailing down his temples and catching along his jawline. His cheeks were flushed, a little red from the heat.

You looked away, somewhere over his shoulder, anywhere but at him, refusing to let him see you in this fragile state.

“Go away. I’m fine.”

But he didn’t move.

He’d been summoned from your absolute worst memories, catching you at your lowest when you least wanted his help. Typical. 

“No,” he refused firmly, with that stupid, stubborn look that made you want to throw something at his head. “I’ve seen you almost fall three times now.”

“Maybe if you stopped looking at me like a creep, you wouldn’t have to see me ‘almost fall.”

“I wasn’t—"

You grounded your teeth, “Just go back to surfing.”

Rafe let out a dry laugh, shaking his head as if you were the one acting crazy. “Yeah, 'cause you look perfectly stable right now.”

He'd always been a master of the passive-aggressive half-sneer, the art of making you feel like everyone else was imposing on his day, no matter the situation.

“Don’t act like you care.” you snapped, voice carrying over the sand, earning a few glances from nearby kids.

He ran a hand over his face, looking around as if he didn’t want to be there any more than you did, mouth pressed into a tight line. You wanted to scream that this was his fault too, that every choice he’d made led to you standing here alone, exhausted, and terrified.

“Water would help, y’know”, his tone just shy of patronizing “You can’t go around dehydrating yourself just to make a point.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Your fingers twitched with the urge to send him stumbling to the other side of the beach, you knew that any sudden movement would make you light-headed again, and the last thing you wanted was to give him more proof of your weakness.

The kid—still standing there, eyes wide and darting between you both—looked like he was watching a reality TV show when Kiara appeared at your side.

“Let’s not do this here,” she begged under her breath, handing you a bottle of water she’d brought over, a kindness you didn’t want but couldn’t reject. “Just sit down for a second, please?”

JJ followed, always with that air of easygoing nonchalance, but his eyes were serious as he glanced from you to Rafe.

“She’s right. Just take a second, yeah?” He looked over at Rafe, “Maybe you should leave,” he said pointedly.

“Maybe you should mind your fuckin’ business Maybank.”

“Look, uh,” the kid stammered, knowing he could get caught in the crossfire. “I’ll… I’ll go see if anyone needs help further down the beach…”

You waved him off, your focus still locked on Rafe as the kid all but bolted away, you didn’t want anyone to think they had to “rescue��� you.

You tried to take a step back, but the little strength you had in you disappeared as you felt your knees wobble.

"Jesus," you heard him groan, and then his hands were on your arms, board on the sand, holding you as you stumbled. "I told you to sit down."

You shook his hands off, "Don’t tell me what to do.”

It was hard to believe the two of you had once burned hotter than any bonfire, two people who got under each other’s skin, in love, and in hate.

He let out an exasperated sigh while you took a sip from the water Kiara handed you, ignoring how your hands were still shaking around the bottle. 

She spoke again, trying to be the voice of reason, "We’re here to help the community, remember?"

JJ smirked, "Yeah, think the sea turtles are rooting for y’all to work out your issues somewhere else.”

You ignored his joke, keeping your eyes on Rafe, your pride and stubbornness refusing to let him win, “I’m fine.”

“Yeah?”

He looked you over, his gaze fixed to your warm cheeks and the dewy sheen across your temple, “You look real fine, don’t you?” He didn’t even try to cloak his sarcasm.

God, he could be so exasperating.

He couldn’t understand. How could he even think he could look at you now and know anything about who you were? Standing there, with that stupid board and that look, like he couldn’t imagine anything bothering him as much as this seemed to be bothering you.

As if he hadn’t already ruined you in so many ways that felt impossible to get over. 

“Don’t you have something better to do?” 

“Oh, believe me, I do,” he drawled, his eyes trailing from the waves back to you. 

You were tired of this game, of fighting him every time he showed up only to leave you feeling even emptier than before.

Your fists clenched, and you opened your mouth to hurl something back, but the dizziness hit you again. Before you could compose yourself, Rafe’s arm wrapped around your waist, strong and frustratingly secure, holding you upright with an ease that made your skin crawl.

He had seen you at your weakest, had been there at the hospital after the accident, keeping you together when you were certain you’d break. 

Yet, here you were, in a sick way, back in his arms, all broken apart.

“That’s it. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“I hate to say it, but he’s right,” JJ chimed in, hand shielding his eyes from the sun.

The world alone had all kinds of alarms going off in your brain. You fought back instinctively, your hands pushing at his chest, freeing your arm. 

“I told you, I’m fine.”

He let go, but he didn’t back away.

Instead, he narrowed his eyes, “You think I don’t know what fine looks like? I was there.”

He was there. And you didn’t want to be reminded of it, not in front of other people. 

He meant the exhaustion and hunger pains you’d welcomed after your family was gone, embraced even, because it meant you wouldn’t have to feel anything else.

You’d wanted to disappear, and he’d been there—dragging you back, forcing you to drink water and swallow bites of food, even when you pushed him away. He’d seen you at your absolute lowest, where you didn’t care if you made it through the day. 

The thought of the hospital, tests, questions, you fought it, but your vision was already blurring.

You couldn’t let him find out about the baby. 

Your breathing felt tighter, each shallow breath only making the spinning worse, you could sense your body giving in to the exhaustion

“Shit,” you heard him curse, sounding distant now like he was farther away. 

You felt yourself sway as if the ground was opening beneath you, there was a ringing in your ears that made his voice sound muffled but you still felt his arms catching you again, holding you upright before you fell.

Waking up in a moving vehicle was like emerging from a nightmare, except somehow, this was worse, because you were no longer at the beach. 

You blinked hard, desperate to wipe the fogginess in your eyes and when it did go away, you realized who was behind the wheel. 

Rafe. 

Your heart pounded—your desperation to keep the baby a secret, how you almost passed out at the beach, and the fact that now he was most likely driving you to the hospital.

“What the hell are you doing?” you practically screamed, your voice hoarse from the lack of water.

He didn’t spare you a glance, “You passed out, genius. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Your whole body went rigid. “Are you insane?”

“Me?” He scoffed, as he kept his focus on the road. “You practically ate sand back there. You’re not fine.”

“Turn the car around. I’ll call my driver and be fine.” You huffed like he was too dumb to understand. “I don’t need your help.”

He let out a dry laugh, still not looking at you. 

“Yeah. You’re out of your mind if you think I’m letting you out of this car right now.”

“Rafe, I’m not kidding,” you warned, louder this time. “Stop. The. Car.”

He gave you a sideways glance, his grip on the wheel tightening.

“Not happening.”

Your heart hammered as you realized he wasn’t going to back down, you were driven by sheer desperation.

“Fine, then I’ll do it myself." you muttered, reaching for the door handle. 

Anything to get out of this suffocating car before he dragged you all the way to the ER and they found out you were pregnant—with his baby, no less.

His eyes widened, finally snapping from the road to your hand on the handle.

“Are you crazy? Get your hand off that, I’m fuckin' serious.”

You yanked at it anyway, twisting the handle and pulling with spiteful defiance, and Rafe’s expression went from annoyed to full-on rage. He swerved the car to the side of the road, tires skidding as he slammed the brakes and practically threw the car into park.

Before he could even stop fully, you flung the door open and stumbled out, sandals sinking into the gravel as you stalked away.

You didn’t get more than a few feet, he was already bolting after you.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” you muttered, digging your nails into your palms. 

How the hell had it come to this? You were stuck here, pregnant with his child, and he played the reluctant hero like you needed him swooping in to save you.

Rafe reached you in two strides, his fingers were digging into his forehead, pointing at it with exasperation imprinted into every corner of his face. 

“Are you out of your fuckin' mind?” He sounded like he was talking to some unruly child.

And the worst part? You could see that frustration in his eyes, the same look he used to give you when he’d reached his limit with you.

You wondered if he ever got to that point with Sofia.

What would he do if she was the one almost fainting? Would he still look like she was some colossal burden, or would he soften, maybe even smile as he fussed over her, acting like he wanted to help?

You hated yourself for caring at all.

Sofia—the one who looked like she'd been ripped off from some perfect postcard, all wide-eyed sweetness and gentle smiles. She probably never challenged him, snapped back, or made him want to pull his hair out.

There was no way he’d look at her like she was a mess, someone he just had to “deal with.” He likely saw her as easy, perfect, all soft and sweet words, everything you weren’t.

This wasn’t who you wanted to be, and yet here you were, stumbling around half-dead and pregnant with his child.

“I’m sorry, am I bothering you?” You spat the words, watching his jaw clench tighter. 

He exhaled sharply, rolling his eyes. 

“Unbelievable. Only you could take me trying to help and turn it into this.”

You were done. You were done with the memories, with the torment of seeing him be something better for someone else. 

“Help?” You laughed bitterly, the anger engulfing you so hard it felt as if it choking you. “You think this is help? That I need you, of all people?”

He took a step back, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “I'm trying to help."

You hated how calm he was, how rational he sounded.

It was maddening when all you wanted was for him to get angry, to let that icy surface crack, to give you even a glimpse of something real, something that wasn’t just irritation or sarcasm.

You wanted proof that he still was affected by you, that this was the same guy who used to be everything, who’d promised you everything.

But you swallowed it down, straightening up, because there was no way in hell, you’d let him see even a hint of weakness.

“Trust me,” you shot back, “I’ll be just fine without you.”

He raised an eyebrow, a bitter smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, “Get in the car.”

“No,” you said, firm and unyielding, every inch of you screaming that you wouldn’t let him decide anything for you ever again.

“Fine. Have it your way.”

In one swift move, he reached out, his hands gripping your arms with enough pressure to pull you forward, lifting you clean off your feet. Your breath caught in a furious gasp as he practically dragged you back to the car, his fingers warm against your skin, like you were just a mild convenience. 

“Put me down!” 

You struggled against his hold, jabbing at his chest with what little strength you could muster, but he didn’t even flinch, didn’t so much as hesitate. 

“Rafe, I swear—”

He opened the passenger door with one hand, keeping a firm grip on you with the other, before finally setting you down—not gently—onto the seat. Without meaning to, tears began falling as you struggled against his hands. You could feel them wetting your cheeks, your voice was breaking, jumping to distress as you tried to twist out of his hold, feeling so small under his unrelenting strength.

He almost knelt in front of you, reaching for the seat belt with one hand, while his other remained firmly on your shoulder, holding you still. You felt trapped, impresioned as you tried to turn in every direction, hands weakly pushing him back, but he caught them effortlessly.

“Stop!” you meekly choked out, failing to shove him, the words coming out shameful.

You could feel your heart breaking all over again.

You hated that he was seeing you like this, how he dared to act like you needed him—it made your skin crawl. You hated that he could do this, like he had any right like you’d ever wanted him involved in this part of your life, let alone now.

This was a version of you only Rafe could bring out.

You glared up at him, practically shaking with rage as Rafe ignored your protests like you were nothing more than a child throwing a fit. 

“Get your hands off me.”

His jaw tightened, ignoring the flailing punches and slaps grazing him, and you couldn’t stop the sob that escaped, loud and ugly.

“I’m not letting you kill yourself out of spite.”

Your chest hurt like you’d been run over a hundred times—it felt suffocating. “I hate you.”

For the first time, you thought he might actually leave you here. 

His fingers stopped as if your words had made an impact, his lips pressed into a thin line. Your vision blurred as he leaned in, his touch hovering as if to wipe away the tear running down your cheek, but he didn’t, instead, he closed his hand into a fist and drew back, his face just inches from yours. 

A faint, humorless smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he clicked the seatbelt into place. He made a low humming noise, that thing he did when he was getting ready to make someone feel two inches tall. 

 "Yeah? Get in line."

Without another word, he pulled back, slamming the door shut, and walking around to the driver’s side.

You wiped at your cheeks, furious that he’d seen you like this, that he had the power to break you down. It was humiliating, sitting here in his car, every part of your body screaming to escape. 

He got in, started the engine, neither of you spoke.

Rafe drove fast, every rev of the engine matching the churning in your stomach perfectly. You sat there, trembling, the dread building with every mile that passed. You gripped the seatbelt so hard it felt like your entire body might go numb, and stared straight ahead, breathing shallow, trying to ignore the sting in your eyes.

You bit back another wave of nausea. Weakness.

You’d already shown him too much. 

You didn’t need a lecture from some doctor on how you “should’ve taken better care of yourself", let alone with Rafe there, watching, scrutinizing, acting like this was his business when he’d made it clear long ago that it wasn’t. He was in your space in the worst way, reopening all the wounds.

You were seething. He had no right to do this.

The thought made you want to drop dead—doctor would walk in, casually drop the news about the baby, and you'd be left watching his reaction in real time.

You looked at the entrance to the ER. The vision of anyone running tests, of some well-meaning nurse, coming in and spilling everything about the baby in front of him—no way. You wouldn’t let that happen.

He wasted no time getting out, moving around to your side, while you sat rigidly, staring straight ahead. His hand was already on the door, yanking it open, looking down at you like he was ready to drag you inside if he had to.

You weren’t moving. You knew the second you stepped inside, it would be over. 

“C’mon,” Rafe pressed, his hand outstretched, hovering there like he thought he could compel you to listen. “Stop being so stubborn.”

You crossed your arms over your stomach, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I’m not going in.”

Rafe let out a sigh, nearing his limit, and knelt down to your level.

“Look, you passed out. I’m not leaving until you get checked out.”

“You’re gonna be here for a while then.”

“Would you stop?” His voice softened for the first time, as if he was trying to reach some part of you that he thought still cared. “You look like you haven’t slept in days, like you haven’t eaten anything that wasn’t out of a vending machine. I know you don’t want my help, but can you just stop for a second and—”

“And what?” you interrupted.

“And think! If you don’t get in there, I’ll drag you in myself.”

Your heart raced, “You wouldn’t dare.”

Rafe stepped closer; his jaw set in determination. “Try me.”

“You’re not coming in."

He blinked like the idea hadn’t even occurred to him. “What?”

Maybe he was seeing the protection you’d built up around yourself since he left, how there was no longer any crack left open for him to slip through.

“I don’t need you. I don’t want you in there.”

“Fine.” His tone was clipped, restrained. “But I’ll be right here.”

You slammed the door shut behind you, not letting him your legs still shaking. You’d rather collapse face-first into the concrete than give him the satisfaction of listening to him. 

“Yeah, you do that,” you replied, turning and walking toward the entrance, refusing to look back.

Stepping inside, you felt a slight tremor run through you—part relief, part panic. The lights were too bright, almost white. Your heart wobbled, replaying how he’d been such a fucking asshole to you.

You’d forgotten how mean he could be, how easily he could go from angry to something so frigid it made you want to cry yourself to sleep.

“Hi there,” The receptionist greeted, her eyes moving over you with a professional once-over, “What brings you in today?”

You forced a small smile, knowing she wouldn’t buy it.

“Just…got a little dehydrated, that’s all.”

“Okay…let’s just get some basic information.” She clicked into her computer, her fingers poised over the keyboard. “Name?”

You cleared your throat, rattling off your full name, she nodded, typing it in.

“Have you experienced any other symptoms besides dizziness?”

“Nothing serious,” you replied, dismissively. “It’s just the heat, like I said. I just need some water and I’ll be good as new.”

This had to be a fucking nightmare you got sucked in, you could sense your blood pressure spike.

She tapped her screen and glanced back at you.

“Alright, Miss Thornton, it looks like we’ll just need a few quick details here to get you all checked in. Can I start with your insurance provider?”

A chuckle almost slipped out of you. Insurance—God, you were fine with insurance. What you weren’t okay with was everything else. You answered, “Blue Cross.”

She asked for your birthdate, which you gave on autopilot, hoping she’d skip any weird or invasive questions. “Any allergies?”

You shook your head. Please, just let this be over. 

“It’s really not a big deal,” You blurted out, giving her a thin smile and forcing calm into your voice. “I just need the IV. You know, standard stuff.”

“Of course, dear. We’ll get things started, it will include routine tests, like bloodwork, just to be safe.”

Bloodwork. Perfect. You were doing everything you could to keep from falling into that spiraling panic mode. 

Please, just get me in, get me out, and don’t find anything.

“Just head down to Room 12.”

All you could think was that you wanted this to be over—before the whole town, or worse, he, found out. It made you want to scream. He was the last person who should be outside.

This was his fault. You’d never be here if he hadn’t shown up.

The next hour passed in seconds—questions, forms, an IV drip.

They’d done blood work, too, but you’d sighed in relief when they’d told you the results wouldn’t be ready immediately. As far as they knew, you’d just overdone it, and now, as you lay on a cot in a room that reeked of sick people, all they’d prescribed was rest, hydration, and food.

When the nurse asked if anyone could pick you up, the thought of calling someone, asking them to see you like this, made you delirious. You didn’t need anyone; you were perfectly fine on your own.

But you also didn’t want Rafe and his delusional ass to barge through the doors.

The nurse moved around you awkwardly, eyes still expectant, as if you were just a button away from a reliable “someone” to come running.

You looked at her, controlling the compulsion to yell. Little people ever bothered to check on you, to show up for more than just the drama or gossip.

Out of them, only one face bounced around in your head.

“Yeah, I got someone.”

TAGLIST: @maybankslover @october-baby25 @haruvalentine4321 @hopelesslydevoted2paige @rafebb @rafesbby @whytheylosttheirminds

@zyafics @astarlights @bruher @nosebeers @carrerascameron @serrendiipty @sunny1616

@yootvi @ditzyzombiesblog @psychocitylights @maibelitaaura @kiiyomei

@stoned-writer @justafangirls-blog-deactivated2

@starkeygirlposts @enjoymyloves @ijustwanttoreadlols @icaqttt

[notanactressyayy]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭. | natasha romanoff

. ݁₊ 𝑠𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦 . Natasha and you were the only 'constant' in each other's lives. poor you, to think you could get over her so easily.

. ݁₊ 𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 . smut! i am not responsible for your content consumption! — making out, g!p Natasha, guided masturbation, orgasm denial, unprotected sex (p in v), choking, swearing, homesickness, fluff, reconciliation.

. ݁₊ 𝑛𝑜𝑡𝑒𝑠 . english isn't my first language (🇧🇷) so i apologize for any spelling errors. been in love w Nat for a damn long time — i've been away for a while, but turns out i can't really live without her. i miss my red so much :(

Natasha Romanoff rarely had the chance to see the same face twice. She saw a lot of people throughout her life — as a spy, as a superhero, or simply as Natasha. The thing is: it was unlike she would return to a place she’s been before. It wasn’t uncommon for her to be on the run. Thus, she traveled around the whole world, and saw thousands, millions of different faces. Destiny made sure not to let her cross paths with the same individual again. It wasn’t only the diversity of people that she witnessed, though. This woman saw the world. She knew life’s ups and downs, and at some point in her life, she just got used to the idea that it would forever be like this: boring. Boring experiences, boring women, boring men, boring relationships. Nothing was ever exciting, thrilling. It felt like she was advanced in time, and the rest of the world wasn’t following her. This wasn’t a complete lie, she got her maturity at a very young age, which made her pay the price now, in adulthood. 

For a spy, the most important thing is to learn not to be caught off guard. But it seemed like life was never on Natasha’s side. And this time — it felt good. Oh, it felt so good. 

At first, she didn’t want to get high hopes. It would be just another temporary friendship to help her pass time, nothing more. However, you managed to surprise the red haired Avenger in the best way possible. When she decided to spare a little time of her life and get to know you more, it was really mind-blowing the side of herself she discovered. She never thought she could actually be.. giddy. Like a silly, hopeless romantic girl. That is what she became whenever it was time to see you. She got excited. Actually excited. She couldn’t see through you, read your emotions or body language, like she did with other people; It was a natural thing, sometimes she didn’t even mean to do that. But you, something within you, kept her at bay. Like you effortlessly turned Natasha into a normal woman. Somebody who could love. Somebody that wasn’t raised and enhanced to be a killer. Not that you went through anything like she did, but you weren’t naive. You showed her that people didn’t necessarily have to be traumatized to be aware of things, of reality, of the surroundings. And for her, you’re the most beautiful person in the whole world. Inside and out. She adored you. 

Opening up was never easy. Revealing the broken parts of herself wasn’t like having a simple chat. But patience is a virtue and thankfully, you followed that say just fine. Little by little, the secrets came out. Most of the parts you already knew — it’s not like she wasn’t a worldwide known superhero. What you mostly had to acknowledge were her feelings, the point of view of the little girl who was experiencing it all, and becoming a strong woman, with built up walls around her heart. Doing that was no problem. Natasha couldn’t be more thankful. 

She couldn’t be more infatuated. More in love.

She’d always remember that one day: in the bar with her team, and you — chattery, music, tons of drinks and laughter. Stolen glances. Stomach butterflies, wild. The moment Clint pulled Laura a little closer to himself, and Tony kissed Pepper’s cheek. How she used that as an excuse to pull you into her lap. Your breath getting labored. Eyelashes gently fluttering, to the point she could count them. Your gentle yet tight grip on her shoulders. Your goddamn eyes staring right into hers. And the part where everything would change: her own bodily reactions to all those little details about you. When you restlessly shifted on her lap, quietly gasping when something poked you through your dress. Eyes going wide at the bulge showing on her black jeans. 

From that point on, you belonged to her.

Or so, she thought.

The sex was great, but she was in conflict — she couldn't tell if the only reason for it to be that enjoyable was because you were both tipsy, almost drunk, or if it was really meant to be that way. It felt right, yes, to have you in her arms like this — naked, piles of discarded clothes laying by her bed.. the sound of your quiet snoring as you cuddled into her. It was also a relief to her. To have someone care for her, desire her, after so long, after forever. The night had been amazing. She was a mature woman anyway, wasn't she? She could sort her feelings out without messing up everything.

Wrong. By the morning, everything would change.

You stared at her as she got up and got dressed again, eyes still a little blurry from sleep, eyebrows ceasing into a small confused frown. "You're not staying?" you'd ask, sitting up and leaning against the headboard, bringing up the sheets to cover your unclothed body. "Ugh, my head hurts like hell,"

"Got things to do." she simply answered, cradling the side of your face and kissing your forehead. You could swear the look on her face was.. apologetic. She tilted her head towards the nightstand, where some aspirin and water waited for you. "Take these. I'll text you later."

"Okay.." you mumble, disoriented. As she leaves, you reach out, shoving the aspirin in your mouth and downing the pills with water. Was there something you were missing? Because all you could remember was how good her hands felt on you, the way they wrapped around you neck while she—

You shook your head, lying down again, and closing her eyes. All the fun and pleasure you had been given from the previous night was slowly vanishing and being replaced by a feeling of uncertainty and confusion. Natasha was an enigmatic person, okay, but you thought you knew her better. She had no reason to leave you just like that, especially when she had already vented about all her past experiences, flaws and failures. Nah, it was probably nothing, you were overthinking. Perhaps she indeed had something important to take care of. You closed your eyes as fatigue took over, and slept for a little bit more.

Natasha went back to her apartment — one of her apartments, and for the whole day, her thoughts ran like crazy. Her emotions were all over the place. She had just fucked her best friend, the one person she felt comfortable and at ease with. She considered her feelings carefully; this.. dinamic, between you two, had not been platonic for a considerable amount of time. But not being platonic doens't necessarily means being romantic. It could either be love, or lust. What happened the day before was carnal, once the two of you were way too much in a drunken haze to actually feel anything.

And, like always, Natasha didn't want to think about falling in love. She felt scared just by thinking about this. It was a new territory, one she wasn't willing to deep dive in. So she took her phone and deeply sighed, opening her chat with you.

"Yesterday was fun. But I need some time. I don't think this can work. Hope you're doing okay. xx"

That text just completely shattered you.

You had no idea what you did wrong. It was not like Natasha was pushing you away forever — but while being with her, the only thought running through your mind was: I wanna be with her. I wanna explore this with her. And Natasha didn't give a single sign that she thought the opposite. You felt... disappointed. With yourself and her. For hoping.

Yeah, getting involved with an ex kgb Avenger killer spy probably wasn't the best idea.

You wouldn't simply forget everything you shared together, so the easiest way here not to create a big tension was.. being fake. The two of you weren't stupid, you were aware of the unspoken feelings going on. But what happened that night should not happen again. So your friendship was what prevailed. A friendship like the start. But obviously, with a few changes. Natasha and you didn't lose touch — on the contrary, you were closer than ever. You spoke and flirted (a lot), but with one small rule, a rule that you subconsciously added to this.. situationship. No feelings involved. It would be singularly that. Friends, some casual hookups, and nothing else.

It didn't last, because that's not what you both wished, longed for.

Little by little, this turned boring again. Not that you were the boring one and she just didn't realize this before. Far from that. The thing was: Natasha and you were supressing your feelings, consequently, supressing all the thrill, the delicious tension that hanged in the air whenever she, once again, crossed paths with you. The russian wanted nothing more than just grab you and kiss you hard, pour all the emotions that she kept bottled up throughout her life into the kiss. But unfortunately, she couldn't. She had a duty to fullfil, as someone born, destined to save the world.

And with all of this, you and her settled a distance. You with your previous and trivial life, and her, saving little girls from bad guys, and bringing down cats from tall trees. It was truly shocking: one day, you lived for Natasha Romanoff. She was your everything and everything you'd ever want. In a blink of an eye, it ended. You followed your paths, like two completely different people, with different purposes.

Right person, wrong time.

Fool her, to think she could get over you that easily. Poor you, to try and put that inside of your head as well.

Sometimes, when normally doing daily tasks, you would catch yourself thinking about her — when you were going to watch TV and put your legs on the coffee table, instead of simply sitting. It was an habit of hers. Or when eating something with peanut butter. It was her favourite late night snack. When it rained. She liked to watch the rain. With somebody else's hands on you. It wasn't right. It was never right to have somebody else touch you. You were constantly thinking about your life before things with her changed — the memories brought comfort, a sense of nostalgia.. at some point, you weren't living in the present anymore. Just faking. Faking your feelings. Pretending it was okay to let her go.

This woman ruined you for everything and everyone else.

Natasha could relate to that. In a life that could be resumed in one word: a 'whirlwind' of a life, and you were her only 'constant' among all of this... she couldn't bear this anymore.

So she made an important decision.

The decision was today.

Today: she'd take you out again, praying that, if not reconciliation, she wanted at least to say everything she had to say. Because if life taught her one thing, was to make choices that she wouldn't regret in the future. And it was damn right she would regret choosing not to meet you tonight.

Sitting in the stool of the bar, in a more secluded corned, her eyes followed your figure as you approached — purse hanging on your shoulder, dress exposing your back and a little bit of your waist, eyes so awfully soft and gentle as you looked at her. It wasn't fair. A pang of guilt hit her hard. Oh, she regretted letting that go. She wanted you to be mad at her. But you were not. She shakily rises to her feet to kiss your cheek as you stand in front of her, thankfully not stumbling. Your eyes lock again, already in a trance. Just like that other day.

"How are you doing?" you ask. Natasha could cry. She missed that voice everyday. "Did I take too long? I'm sorry."

"No, no. Don't worry." she swallows hard. You both sit on the stools by the countertop. When the bartender comes, the redhead dismisses him. She wanted the two of you sober for this. "I'm... so much better now that you're here, honestly. How about you?"

"Amazing." you chuckle, tilting your head to the side and watching her. She didn't change a bit. Hair braided, black jeans, leather jacket. That was your Natasha. "I didn't expect you calling me here, to be honest..—"

"Me neither." she admits, in a whisper. Her tongue darts out to moisten her lips, eyes involuntarily starting at your mouth. She sighs and looks into your eyes. "But I had to... I can't get you off my mind."

Her sincerity never fails to amaze you. With each second that passes, the butterflies in your tummy return, to remind you of the past — feelings and sensations resurfacing. You bite on your bottom lip and look around the bar, quickly scanning to see if there was anybody paying attention to the two of you. Maybe a few eyes here and there, which didn't linger. Everyone else was too busy minding their own business — and it's not like you'd care if someone was staring anyway. Natasha turned some heads. You felt greedy for that. You were the one having her. The only one having her.

"You live in my head rent free, Natasha." you tell her, voice having a sultry edge to it. You slowly stand, walking closer.

You take her hands and open her arms — making it possible for you to straddle her thigh. She tenses almost immediately. Her head tilts up to stare into your eyes, arms circling your waist to keep you close, where she wanted. You shake your head when you see a small frown between her eyebrows — lips pressing against that small spot, coaxing a little exhale of hers. She missed you. Everyday. Every minute. She wanted that respect and care all the time.

"What are we even doing here?" she whispers, so quietly you almost can't hear it. Her hands cup your waist and gently roam up and down your sides, palms brushing against your bare skin every now and then, all thanks to the waist slits of your dress. Your face leans closer to hers, noses bumping — the smallest of touches, making you both crave what you once had. "Why didn't I just invite you to my place right away?"

"I don't know. Why didn't you?" you raise one eyebrow, fingertips caressing her jawline. Her hands give your waist a squeeze — and you almost moan. She swore she could hear it. It replayed in her head, the beautiful sounds you made for her. She wanted to hear them again. She was going to make you sound like that again.

It wasn't just a physical thing — your body and mind craved her touch, her presence, so much that just the mere thought of being on her bed again got you soaked. She felt something wet through the rough fabric of her jeans, and that got her brain spinning. She fell for you hard. So painfully hard.

"Let's get out of here," she groans, hands firmly grabbing your thighs and lifting you up — wrapping your legs around her waist and carrying you out the pavement. Her hardness pressed right against your core — you blushed, hiding your face on her shoulder, wrapping your arms around her neck.

In a heartbeat, you were back at your house.

Your place, because it was the fastest way, when taking the cab. No words were exchanged, not yet. The aching, burning need had to be taken care of first — before properly talking. Your back hits the wall hard as Natasha pushes you against it — her body trapping you between herself and the hard surface — hands hardly, possessively holding you by the hips. Desperately, even. Making sure you wouldn't slip away from her grasp. Her lips dance with yours, tentatively, yet naturally, tongues tasting one another after what felt like centuries. She felt so good, tasted so good.

"Nat..—" you moan against her lips, having her bottom lip trapped between your teeth, then releasing it. Your forehead against hers, eyes soft and filled with desire. Your hands hold her cheeks, traveling to her jaw. Needily, you press kisses to the side of her throat, breathing shaky, heart hardly thrumming. "I never stopped thinking about you..."

"Yeah?" she hums, grabbing the hem of your dress and lifting it up, bunching the fabric by your hips. Her fingers hook around the elastic of your panties and pull them down, pooling around your feet — making you gasp, and pull away from her neck. Eyes wide open. The air hits your heat, making you needier for her.

You almost mewl.

"God, I need you." Natasha utters. She grabs you again and smashes her lips against yours once more, now with so much more passion, more need, more anxiety. Her bulge presses against your now unclothed wetness, coaxing a tiny cry of need out of you. You breathlessly pull away from her, reaching down and fumbling with the buttons of her jeans — until she stops you.

"No—"

"Quiet." she shushes, maneuvering you back, until your body hits the mattress. She climbs onto the bed and stays in a kneeling position, hungrily taking you in. Messy, needy, all for her. Sober, like she wanted planned from the first time. "That dress goes off."

Her voice is commanding, yet not harsh — and her eyes betray her a little. Her eyes are almost pleading, that it is clear how much she needs this. To have you all to herself, to show you how much she wants that. Her underwear becomes even more tight as she sees your trembling fingers, pulling the dress over your head and tossing it aside, lips parted. Just by her look, you can tell she wants the bra off, too. So you reach behind your back and grants her silent wish, breasts now exposed to her sight.

"There you are..." she moans to herself, shamelessly taking in the sight of you. You're a work of art. With her hand, she coaxes your knees open, and parts your legs. "My... you're so wet. So perfectly wet."

"You're still with a lot on.." you quietly complain, feeling hot and shy at the same time. But her gaze is enough to wipe away the confusion from your eyes. She had a plan.

"Touch yourself for me." she breathes out.

Your eyes briefly widen with the unexpectedness of this statement. You had certainly done this before — touched yourself thinking of her — but the idea of showing this, while she watched, never crossed your mind. But it wasn't an unpleasant idea. It was actually... hot. Sensual. They darken, pupils blown wide as you make yourself comfortable against the pillows, eyelids fluttering as your legs spread a little more, palm resting on your stomach, then moving down. Deliberately, it reaches your sex, a shakily sigh leaving your lips when your middle and ring finger collect some of the slick coat covering your sensitiveness, using it to slowly rub your clitoris, getting you to gasp louder.

"Natasha..." you whisper, eyes falling close, thoughts wandering.

Wandering back to the start — when you first discovered your feelings for her, then the climax, when you both got in bed due the alcohol — then the aftermath, when you needed her so much, felt so alone at night, that your fingers were the only solution. Little wet sounds echo within the room as you rub circles on yourself, applying just the right amount of pressure, that it doesn't take long for the pit in your stomach to manifest itself.

"Faster." Natasha rasps out, taking her jacket and quickly throwing it away. She pulls her tank top over her head, then undo the buttons of her jeans — leaving the bed, just so she can get rid of all the uncomfortable fabric, and climbing it again. She crawls closer to you — eyeing you as you worked on your pussy, her hands caressing your thighs, adding to the stimulation.

"Please...!" you whimper, doing as you're told — rubbing yourself faster — slipping one of your fingers inside your entrance, almost cumming, that quickly. "Please, I need you..!"

"I need you too," she moans to herself, and harshly grabs your wrist, pulling your hand away. You moan loudly in protest — Natasha wouldn't tease you. Not today, when you both needed each other so much. She discards her undergarments, finally — groaning as she's set free. Your eyes lock on her hard length, which was practically hitting her abs now.

"Put it inside me." you beg, grabbing her shoulders to pull her closer. She hovers over you, bracing herself on her forearms, on each side of your body. Your fingernails gently graze her back. Natasha was feeling so much, so much more than she ever felt. Your eyes were sparkling so much, like you were crying — shimmering with the depth of your adoration for her. You grab her cheeks and press your lips to hers, in a gentle peck. Knowing her past, she didn't have to explain her reasons for what had happened. She was scared before, and you respected. "Go on. Love me."

She couldn't wait no longer. She lowers her forehead to your shoulder and places her hands on your hips — her chest against yours, as she lined herself with your hole, effortlessly pushing inside. Stretching you out, like she once did. Having the chance to hear that delicious sounds again.

"You're mine... shit," she groans, rolling into you gently, getting you used to the feeling first. You're so tight, so perfect around her. Natasha's overwhelmed. Her hands press against the base of your throat, squeezing firmly, yet leaving enough room for air. She's so hot. "That pussy is mine. You're mine. You're all mine—"

"Yes," you moan, wrapping your legs around her middle. You wouldn't take long to come tonight. Maybe she'd make you come over and over. She rocks into you, pace not too slow, not too fast. Just right. The right tempo to bring you both the pleasure and connection you so much needed. "Mhm.. fuck, Nat, missed your cock,"

"You're gonna take it over and over—" she comments — kissing your shoulder, roaming her hands up your body, her right palm cupping your breast and giving it a firm squeeze. Your head lolls back, mouth opening to allow a satisfied moan out. "I'm never fucking letting you go again,"

She accelerates, pulling almost all the way out just to slam back into you again — feeling her climax approach. She moves her mouth close to your ear and moans — her own sounds now mixing with yours.

"Natasha...! Fuck, you feel soo good," you gasp, a wave of pleasure washing over you as you get closer. She takes the hint immediately, cupping the back of your knee and pushing it up, allowing her a better angle. "Ah, gimme more,"

"My greedy girl," she groans, her head tilting back. Her cock twitches inside of you — precum already painting you white. She glanced down at where your folds swallowed her, eyes darkening impossibly more. "You're so goddamn tight... 'm not gonna last, moya krasivaya malysha,"

"Okay.. 'ts okay... Cum with me..." you beg her, tangling your fingers into her red strands of hair, pulling her down more, so her forehead rests against yours — the eye contact increasing the intimacy of the moment. She didn't know what to expect now. Didn't know what to think. Only that she had to fill you up.

"C'mon.. nhg, darling.. c'mon.. cum around me," she encourages, feeling her own legs shake as her orgasm washed over her.

She grabbed your hips hard and slammed into you — once, twice, three times, filling you up with her hot release. You squeezed your eyes shut as your body shuddered forwards, breasts pressing against her own as a long, strangled moan flowed out of you, nails digging into her back, pressing her body against yours as you finished. Your walls clenched around her cock, swallowing her more, not allowing her to pull away just that. "God.. I love you!"

Natasha blinks, not sure if she heard right. Her heart squeezes in her chest, arms wrapping around your body. Her back hits the bed and she flips you on top of her, still inside of you — but now, her member softened. The adrenaline was running wild, but you had calmed down a little bit. Just a little. Because this time, it wasn't pure sex. It was lovemaking.

Your face is buried in her chest as she brings up the covers, creating a cocoon of warmth around you. She buries her face into your hair and inhales deeply, staying silent. Just to process things.

"I love you, too. So so much." she murmurs into you hair. She felt terrified to say this. But once you're someone who she already showed her scars to, it's not that bad anymore.

"You do?" you ask expectantly, feeling tired, drowsy. Natasha smiles at that. She feels her eyes burning with heavy emotion. She nods.

"Yes... I love you so much." she confirms, softly stroking her hair, brushing some strands away from your sweaty forehead. "And I want you to be mine. Will you be mine?"

"You're asking me to be your girlfriend after the sex?" you chuckle quietly, but happiness was evident in your voice. Now you could sleep at peace. The first night of rest you'd have in a long time. In the arms of the woman you cherished, worshipped.

Natasha had won now. She was so fucking relieved. All because of a phrase.

"Of course I will, you idiot."

"I'm never, ever, ever letting you go again." the room is messy, smell of sex lingering around you. But now things were sorted out. By the morning, you could have a more direct, serious conversation. For now, you'd rest together, wrapped up in each other's arms, like it was always meant to be.

[elysiansparadise]

Aspects of Chiron

⚷ Chiron is a planetoid that helps us spot some of our wounds. You can get to know yours on Astro.com in the section “additional objects”. If you want to take a closer look to yours click here -> ⚷

⬜Chiron conjunct Sun: These people have wounds related to acceptance, either from themselves or from others. They may seek to help others in a selfless way, but they do not dare to ask for help or appear very vulnerable. Issues with the father or father figure. They may have confidence problems. They have a lot of charisma and people see them as very kind and polite people. It is likely that both the father and them have had a complicated life.

⬜Chiron conjunct Moon: They immediately make others feel good emotionally, they know what others need to feel good easily. They are very empathetic, caring and attentive people with those they love. They may have differences or issues with the mother. The mother and them could have had a complicated life. They may have trouble setting boundaries. Melancholic tendencies and remembering a lot about what once hurt them in the past.

⬜Chiron conjunct Mercury: These people have the ability to listen and understand well what other people want to express. They are excellent listeners and great advisors. They have a lot of wisdom. The wound lies in not feeling heard or understood by the people around them. They know what it's like to not feel heard, so they always show respect to others by being attentive. May have a tendency to hesitate about their own knowledge.

⬜Chiron conjunct Venus: These natives usually look for emotionally deep relationships in which they can open up to their partner and have them do the same. They may have wounds related to their beauty, feminine side or love life. Their partners can improve a lot thanks to the native and vice versa. They can see beauty in things that others don't. Usually shows an enchanting beauty rather tender and adorable. Great charm.

⬜Chiron conjunct Mars: These people may have had trouble standing up for themselves when they were young, but they never hesitate to stand up for others. Wounds with male figures, sex, or by the anger of others or their own anger. Setting boundaries could have been harsh for them.  They long to be people who guide others through justice, understanding and motivation. Over time they develop a strong temperament.

⬜Chiron conjunct Jupiter: These people have a lot of wisdom in themselves and can be developed souls. They learn from their mistakes and provide support, advice and healing to others. They could have gone through very tense things, which is why they mature before their time. They may doubt your skills and knowledge. Wounds by teachers. They can teach others to see the good side of themselves and look for ways to heal.

⬜Chiron conjunct Saturn: Feeling of not having been supported or of not having had the necessary guidance. They matured before their time and that led them to acquire a lot of wisdom. They will actively work to heal themselves and may become frustrated if they feel that they are not yet there. Their lesson is to learn that healing takes time and that they will eventually achieve it. Wounds related to not feeling enough or underestimating your successes.

⬜Chiron conjunct Uranus: Wounded by having felt different from the rest and/or judged for their uniqueness. These people may seek to help their friends alleviate their emotional problems. They have an eccentric charm and authenticity that attracts attention, becoming inspiring to others. They learned to solve their problems on their own and may have difficulty relying on anyone. Fear of becoming dependent on something or someone.

⬜Chiron conjunct Neptune: True healers, they can give themselves deeply to the work of helping others heal. Great counselors, they instinctively say and do the right thing to support others. Betrayals, deceptions and lies could have hurt them. Great artistic talents, great ability to dazzle many. Sweet, empathetic and very kind to their peers. Music, art and spirituality can be healing for them. Tendency to dissociate to avoid thinking about their problems.

⬜Chiron conjunct Pluto: Betrayals, death and abandonment could have deeply hurt the native. Problems trusting other people but incredibly reliable for those who they love the most. Loyal people who would like someone who would be as loyal as they are. Difficult childhoods in which they did not feel respected or loved. Ability to transform your wounds into your strengths and make them something truly beautiful. Interest in psychology and self-improvement.

⬜Chiron conjunct Rising: They can be very magnetic people to others and will evoke a sense of peace and comfort in others. They will actively seek to help other people feel good about themselves. They may have self-acceptance problems either because of their personality or their physical appearance. People can easily trust them and see in them someone very wise who has been through a lot. Very assertive and constantly wanting to improve.

⬜Chiron conjunct Midheaven: They most likely work on something related to supporting, healing and encouraging other people. From young people they think that the best thing would be to find a path in which they do more good for others. Tendency to set too many expectations for themselves and become frustrated and harsh when not meeting them. People feel naturally drawn to them and feel that they can be understood by them.

⬜Chiron trine Sun: They are people with a very intelligent and perceptive personality of the people around them, as well as themselves. They can have the gift of healing and be people with a nature that appeals to people because they are not judgmental or criticize or speak badly of others. People not only find them charming, but also kind and admirable. Ease of raising the self-esteem of others and helping them love themselves more.

⬜Chiron trine Moon: You give great emotional comfort to others and seem to understand them better than anyone. People deeply appreciate your support and the willingness you show to get to know them well. Your hugs are the most comforting and you can make others feel through small gestures. Mystical, charming and very empathetic. They love to make others feel safe and protected. You are very sensitive to the emotions of others.

⬜Chiron trine Mercury: Natives with a strong and highly developed intuition, a great ability to analyze the people around them. Your words can be of great help to another and bring them a lot of relief. They are very rational people capable of seeing many sides of the same situation. They may enjoy meditating or other methods to calm the mind. They can work well under pressure and help calm others with just words.

⬜Chiron trine Venus: Ability to help their partners find healing and will seek to accompany them during the process. Love can be healing for them and they have a deep liking to help those who need it most. Can transform their pain into beautiful things through art and/or hobbies they have. Of great tact and assertiveness. They like relationships in which there is mutual protection and where they seek to understand the other deeply.

⬜Chiron trine Mars: We encounter great leaders who, through motivation and meaningful actions [whether big or small] encourage others to help themselves. They have the goal of healing themselves to improve as people and let go of everything that stagnates them and does not help them. Assertive and blunt when it comes to establishing limits. They have a strong sense of self and do not allow themselves or others to be trampled on by anyone.

⬜Chiron trine Jupiter: They have the ability to teach and inspire others, and help them in the process of finding meaning in their own lives, as well as showing them that they can recover from the tragedies they experience. They can bring out the good side in people and encourage them to improve. Charitable, humanitarian and kind. They do not minimize the suffering or difficulties of others. They validate and support people who need it.

⬜Chiron trine Saturn: They do not let their wounds define them and have a great ability to overcome and heal from what once hurt them. Great maturity and resilience. Another indicator of leadership skills, these people teach others to find their power after they have found theirs. They seek to be the support of others and the support figure that they would have liked to have. They respect limits and beliefs even if they do not share them.

⬜Chiron trine Uranus: These people have the ability to move, let go and get rid of everything that does not contribute to their life or that does not make them happy. Altruistic but with their feet on the ground, they help those who allow themselves to be helped. They inspire others to be themselves without fear of what others say/think and can easily heal the wounds of the public, peers or those who feel they do not fit in.

⬜Chiron trine Neptune: They are people with a very strong imagination and great talents for creating beautiful things. Compassionate, understanding and generous with others. They may have a unique way of wowing others without trying very hard. They support and help others selflessly and can go out of their way to help those who need it. Altruistic and they have an old soul vibe. Very spiritual people who want to help others in their journey in this life.

⬜Chiron trine Pluto: They have a natural ability to get to the bottom of others' wounds, great capacities to help others find their inner power. They are people who have gone through many changes and who see in their wounds something that has made them strong enough to face what life presents them. There is something very appealing about them. Their strength may be something that others find dazzling and inspiring in many ways.

⬜Chiron trine Rising: They are very cordial and fascinating people in the eyes of others. A mixture of friendliness, intelligence and talent. They immerse themselves in a path of healing from a young age and kindly support their loved ones in the process. Ambivert, calm and patient. Many of them want to contribute positively to the lives of people significant to them, showing support and lending their ear and presence. 

⬜Chiron trine Midheaven: They are people perceived as friendly, caring and reliable, many people go to them and open up easily. It is common for many to lean towards a profession in which they provide support and care to other people. They see empathy and altruism as crucial values ​​for creating a better society. Many professional and academic successes await you. Noble heart and actions to contribute to society.

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⬜Chiron sextile Sun: Here we find very understanding and empathetic people who are willing to lend a hand to help those who need it most. They are sensitive and altruistic people. It is very likely that they have a very healthy level of self-esteem.They use their experiences and knowledge gained after personal situations to help others find solutions to their problems. 

⬜Chiron sextile Moon: Gentle and loving on the inside regardless of their exterior. They love to show love to those they love and know how to do it well. They adapt to people's love language and unconsciously make them feel comfortable. They are consistent, understanding and very giving when it comes to their bonds.

⬜Chiron sextile Mercury: A calm way of speaking, they know how to get to the core of others. Their words leave a positive mark on others. Constant search for knowledge, especially on spiritual or social issues. Deep understanding of people. They listen and fervently try to make everyone feel like they fit and are part of the group.

⬜Chiron sextile Venus: They like people in contact with their most intense and deep emotions. Love in the most wholesome way possible. A liking for comforting relationships with a strong emotional bond. They help others accept their body and beauty. They can be very good at resolving any conflicts or helping others see the good side of things.

⬜Chiron sextile Mars: They tend to be assertive when communicating what they don't like. They are brave, compassionate and charming. They actively look for ways to help themselves and others. These natives always try to give that feeling of security and protection to those they love and are not afraid to defend those they love from anything.

⬜Chiron sextile Jupiter: They help others see their positive traits and aspects. They are people who have become intelligent and wise because of what they have been through. Search for wisdom, both internal and external, and willingness to be wisdom for others. The trips they take can be healing for them. Kind heart and an appropriate level of empathy. Resilient.

⬜Chiron sextile Saturn: People who are strong in mind and heart, get ahead no matter what. They can provide positive lessons and a lot of support to those they love. They remain kind and compassionate no matter the hardships of life. Independent and highly devoted. Observant and attentive when it comes to others, they respect their own boundaries and those of others.

⬜Chiron sextile Uranus: They have come a long way to find self-acceptance and appreciation for all sides of themselves. Your actions and personality can be inspirational to others. Great sense of friendship, they are altruistic and very considerate of their friends. They feel proud of what makes them different from the rest and share/inspire this feeling with others.

⬜Chiron sextile Neptune: They are amazing at providing emotional support, perhaps sometimes more than practical. People feel good about your presence and readily accept your help. They intuitively know things that can affect or heal other people. They can use spirituality to heal and understand others deeply and to understand themselves better.

⬜Chiron sextile Pluto: They can transform themselves at a deep mental & emotional level, a sensation of reborn after a crisis, whatever it may be. These natives have a great intuition to know about the emotions and wounds of the other. Deep capacity for emotional, psychological and mental connection with many people, regardless of age, gender or background.

⬜Chiron sextile Rising: From a young age they are inclined to help, support and be there for other people. Interest in self-knowledge, psychology and self-improvement. They like to and usually come across as a strong person with whom you can vent, someone kind who understands your wounds. They always treat others as they would like to be treated. 

⬜Chiron sextile Midheaven: Easily gain the appreciation and trust of the people, because they seem approachable, kind and polite. Their work is related to healing issues or other forms of support for sectors of society. Others often see in them a good leader, someone who actively strives to improve the emotional state of the people.

⬜Chiron opposite Sun: The differences with their fathers could have brought about many issues between them. They may put on a very confident and independent appearance out of fear of being seen for who they are and being judged or criticized for it. He can be a good leader. Issues with your ego, either being too big or too little.

⬜Chiron opposite Moon: People feel safe with them, but they don't usually have that feeling. Issues expressing their feelings and/or communicating their emotional needs. They want to be there for those they love because they know what it feels like to not feel that support. Whether they want to be parents or not, they always show respect and kindness to children.

⬜Chiron opposite Mercury: Sometimes your own mind can hurt you, negative self-talk and view of yourself. They are people with great intelligence and great communication skills. They can have perfectionist tendencies and be very demanding of themselves. Excellent listeners, they can find quick solutions to problems of others but not of themselves.

⬜Chiron opposite Venus: They tend to be people who doubt the love they can receive. Some have the wound of thinking that they will not be loved. Very selective with their partners for fear of getting hurt. Many may ask for their advice on matters of love, regardless of the native's degree of experience. Their love can be very healing and pure.

⬜Chiron opposite Mars: They tend to put barriers between themselves and others, be somewhat defensive, and feel like they have to be alert. Tendency to anxiety and/or nervousness. They allow others to rely on them and do not hesitate to stand up for them. Very well established boundaries and do not allow anyone to be disrespectful to them.

⬜Chiron opposite Jupiter: They may be people who bring positivity to the lives of others but have issues with them staying positive. The hope that good things can happen to them is usually wounded. They are very spiritual people who seek knowledge regarding matters of this type. They seek a deep meaning in all things. Try to stay strong no matter what, 

⬜Chiron opposite Saturn: Tendency to expect the worst to happen. Skeptical and difficult to convince. They do not trust others easily. They could’ve felt that there was no one to rely on and they may have matured due to the absence of a stable and constant figure. Dislike being seen as vulnerable. Independent, logical and seen as strong by others.

⬜Chiron opposite Uranus: Feeling of always being different from the rest. They don’t feel accepted by others. Wounds related to loneliness or some abrupt change in their lives. They accept everyone regardless of their differences and hate making others feel like they are not included. May not want to be seen as weird, but embracing their identity fully will bring healing to them.

⬜Chiron opposite Neptune: Healing abilities that you may not be aware of. They can be very empathic and there is a risk of putting other people's problems on their shoulders. They have a noble and loving heart that they are afraid to show for fear of being deceived or hurt. Looking for physical ways to express their feelings can be very healing for them.

⬜Chiron opposite Pluto: Wounds related to trusting others, betrayals or little support in the past. They may have problems forgiving and/or forgetting. Constant feeling of not being safe, need to be alert and avoid betrayal at all costs. You may have a tendency to isolate yourself. These people definitely change the lives of those around them on a great level.

⬜Chiron opposite Rising: They may have many wounds regarding themselves, their value and abilities. They have a hard time trusting themselves and hate projecting that. Tend to overthink a lot before daring to do something. Help others with things they don't help themselves with. Fight the idea of ​​not being loved. They give themselves completely to loving someone.

⬜Chiron opposite Midheaven: People can see them as a person who has been through a lot and still has a noble heart. Differences with authority figures, it is likely that one of them has hurt them. They may have problems accepting help and having emotionally intimate moments with others. They provide the emotional and/or verbal comfort that they would have liked to receive.

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⬜Chiron square Sun: Differences and wounds resulting from the father, his actions or words towards the native. Trouble feeling happy with yourself or proud of who you are. Lack of validation in childhood. Ability to identify the wounds that others hold with themselves. They do not judge others and it's easy for them to be accepting and a positive influence on others. Tendency to doubt oneself a lot and have confidence problems. Helpful and generous. 

⬜Chiron square Moon: These natives carry many childhood wounds, their emotional needs may not be fully met. The relationship with the mother may be somewhat strained at certain points and they may feel that they cannot rely on her. These people are able to give a lot of emotional comfort to others and make them feel truly understood, but they hardly feel understood or connected to others. It is crucial that they heal their inner child.

⬜Chiron square Mercury: Painful words or memories seem to wander around your head constantly. Wounded by cruel comments from people close or significant to the native. They greatly doubt their intelligence. They are very understanding, observant and somewhat shy people, they dislike arguments and never waste their time talking to people who do not want to understand. They give the impression of being very wary, intelligent and rational.

⬜Chiron square Venus: Problems integrating your feminine energy and/or in your relationships. They may enjoy giving sincere compliments to others but have trouble accepting compliments. Your vision of your relationship or marriage may be damaged or you may have seen a lot of pain in the relationships of people you loved. They love intensely and want something genuine that will give them hope in love. Trouble seeing your own beauty.

⬜Chiron square Mars: They may have wounds related to male figures, their masculine energy, and frequent tensions or arguments in their childhood. They like to project themselves as strong and do not like to feel very vulnerable. They are afraid to take risks or initiative. They could feel that they themselves had to save and help themselves. They likely grew up in an environment that was boisterous, aggressive, or tense in some way.

⬜Chiron square Mars: They may have wounds related to male figures, their masculine energy, and frequent tensions or arguments in their childhood. They like to project themselves as strong and do not like to feel very vulnerable. They are afraid to take risks or initiative. They could feel that they themselves had to save and help themselves. They likely grew up in an environment that was boisterous, aggressive, or tense in some way.

⬜Chiron square Jupiter: They may have had great hopes or dreams that were disappointed in some way. They are people who can be hurt easily. Sensitive, very empathetic and compassionate. May have crises of faith, where they feel abandoned by God or another deity. They do not let anyone they love be immersed in sadness, being the natives who motivate them to find their own joy. Wounds are a product of the religion or beliefs that were transmitted to them.

⬜Chiron square Saturn: The father figure or figures that are supposed to be supportive could have hurt the native. Feeling of loneliness and deep sadness. They look for ways to motivate themselves to keep going. Silently caring and attentive with others. They don't put expectations on people but on themselves. Humble people. Respectful, responsible and hard workers. They feel better about themselves by achieving things and feel that it is the only way.

⬜Chiron square Uranus: Wounds from feeling separated, judged or not accepted by members of a community or people your age. Feeling like an outcast. They may have the feeling of being alone even with people. Wounds of abandonment or unstable people/situations in their lives. They may have difficulty loving all sides of themselves, but they want the ones they appreciate to succeed. Family chainbreaker vibes.

⬜Chiron square Neptune: Wounds for feeling forgotten or for feeling that others took advantage of your love and kindness. Evasive tendencies about their own pain, from addictions, overworking, or using humor to hide that the topic hurts them. Unconditionality and great devotion. Wounds of betrayal and/or disappointment from someone they loved. They don't want to worry those they love, so they isolate themselves when they have problems.

⬜Chiron square Pluto: They have a wound related to loss or abandonment, or even a lack of control over their own lives. They are too reserved with what torments them emotionally due to the fear of being judged or betrayed after opening up. They often feel like they can't rely on someone. May have a strong inclination towards spiritual themes as a way of helping themselves and others find inner peace and understanding of their inner demons.

⬜Chiron square Rising: The wound lies in physical appearance and this in turn can affect the way they see other areas of their lives. They are people who are too understanding of others, perhaps more than themselves. They will want and be able to help others not feel or go through what they do. They may have wounds that they have carried since childhood and/or because of one or both parents. They help others but hardly allow themselves to be helped.

⬜Chiron square Midheaven: Natives are likely to doubt their ability to achieve great things and may have a tendency to self-sabotage. They help others but refuse to be helped for fear of looking very vulnerable or weak. The father figure may have hurt the native in some way. They can work hard to not think about their problems. They may have problems trusting themselves and their potential. They are seen as wise and strong by others.

[pynkfairyheart]

Hii I was wondering if you could do an collage au armin arlert oneshot, imagine or Drabble (totally up to you) where armin is a very popular soccer player at the college and since he’s so popular that causes him not have as much time for his gf so she catches an attitude and ignores him and he fixes it ifykyk. I was thinking more of like a dominant or switch armin for this yk?

pairings: soccer!player Armin x black reader

warnings: smut 18+, a lil angsty, orgasm denial, car sex

a/n: i love this request, armin is just so ૮꒰ྀི˶˃ ⌓ ˂˶꒱ྀིა

Ms. Attitude

“I’m sorry, baby. I promise I’ll make it up later. I love you, bye” The monotone beep of the phone soon followed his hurried voice informing you he ended the call before you could even breathe.

“Yep, I love you too” You mumbled. Glossy eyes scanning the hair and makeup you spent hours on.

This was the second time Armin failed to show up for your date.

Soccer season was picking up and with Armin being the captain you understood you'd no longer be able to spend as much time due to practice, but the frequent outings with his team members were becoming infuriating.

Was it that hard for him to plan around your date nights?

With a deep breath, you soaked a cotton pad in makeup remover. Too exhausted to even take pictures before the excess liquid on the pad mixed with your stray tears. It was rare for you to cry over a guy, even rarer to cry over Armin, but the disappointment was turning into frustration that was too overbearing to contain.

What made things worse is that you felt it wasn't fair to Armin you were having these feelings.

You knew what you were entering into when you said yes to being his girlfriend. He told you his goals from the start; become captain, graduate with a 4.0, play professionally, and ultimately make it to the World Cup.

Of course, you knew achieving all he wanted would take time, and you wholeheartedly supported him.

To maintain a healthy relationship you two had a system. Once a week, you would set aside time for a date. It didn't need to be elaborate or fancy; the simple goal was for you to spend time alone. Everything was perfect. Until it wasn’t.

Something Armin didn’t take into account with the new season was the influx of freshmen on the team. This meant lots of bonding time with the team and less time with you.

°⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

It was a week before you saw Armin. Granted it wasn't on purpose and you just happened to catch a glimpse of him from across the crowded room, but you saw him nonetheless.

The events on how you approached him are a little cloudy, your actions encouraged by the shots you took and your anger. The only true remembrance was Sasha’s attempt to make you stay and the snickers from certain teammates who could predict what was about to happen.

“What the actual fuck, Armin.” You huffed

“Baby? What’s wrong?” His smile disappearing at the pout settled onto your face

You were baffled, was he actually serious?

“What’s wrong is that I haven't seen you in three weeks all because of your little bonding outings. Which this does not seem like bonding” A mixture of frustration and hurt fueling your emotions as you motioned to the party

“I know how this looks, baby but I swear we just got caught up after practice, sit with us I promise to make it up to you- Did you just roll your eyes at me?” Nothing pissed Armin off more than when you rolled your eyes at him.

“Yes! You've said the same thing every week Armin, you're like a fucking broken record and it's actually pissing me off”

“I'm pissing you off?” The indifferent tone of his voice and minuscule smirk on his face should have told you to stop and think but you were just too upset to think.

“Isn't that what I just said” Your iris slightly disappearing as you rolled your eyes once again.

He’d been waiting for it.

Many people knew Armin to be the passionate sweetheart he was. It was rare to see him upset. That emotion reserved for whenever his team got a foul and occasionally whenever you gave him attitude.

Before you could even register what he was doing he grabbed your arm and dragged you out of the party

That little eye roll ended up with you in the backseat of his car, legs on his shoulder as he drilled into you.

“Minniee, pleaseee” You whined, tears threatening to spill from your eyes at the pleasure building in your lower stomach

“You wanted my attention right? So stop fucking complaining and hold it like I said” His hips snapping forward as he buried himself deep inside you with every thrust.

You were certain stars were blurring your vision. He was just stretching you out so well, the girth and the angle he was at leaving no spot along your walls untouched with how deep he was.

Just looking and hearing the whines that slipped passed your lips made him want to fuck orgasm after orgasm out of you.

Just looking at you had him on the brink of a second orgasm.

You just looked so pretty to him. Bouncing breasts no longer confined by the tight shirt you wore, hardened nipples glossy from his previous sucking. Don't even get him started with your teary eyes and glossy lips.

What really got him though was the way your puffy cunt surrounded him. Folds so warm and wet with your slick and his cum that your walls failed to contain.

Armin however didn’t reward bad behavior, especially yours. Maybe he’d let you cum if you whined enough, but who knows. For now, he’d continue to use you for his own pleasure as he pounded into you.

“What's wrong princess? Isn't this what you wanted? Caught an attitude just to get fucked like a slut” He hissed, blonde strands sticking to his forehead as he increased his pace.

“I’m sorry, Minnie, please. I just missed you” You spoke through your broken moans and cries

Leaning down he encaptured your lips, his pace slowing as the guilt seeped into him, oh how he wanted nothing but to go back and spend that time with you.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll make time for us, I mean it this time” His voice coming out in a whisper as he kissed along your neck

“Y-yeah? “ Speech broken by the newfound pleasure as he applied pressure to your clit

“Mhm, as long as you stop with that fucking attitude” Within that second the soft and caring Armin was gone and now replaced with the Armin whose only goal was to make you feel pleasure

You were so close, every rock of his hips hitting your spot so perfectly you were seeing stars and begging to cum but he kept denying you over and over. His responses consisting of “Be my good girl and hold it” or “You want it so badly don’t you?” a condescending pout resting on his pink lips every time

It was only when he grabbed your ankles and pushed your legs up against your chest that he allowed you to cum, pace becoming sloppy as he watched you cream around him, basking in the way every contraction of your cunt added to the milky ring around his base.

The feeling of you clenching around him, the sight of your closed eyes and slightly agape mouth as you came, it was too much for him to handle as spurts of his milky cum forced its way into your stuffed cunt.

“That's my girl” He mumbled. Smirking at the cum spilling from your hole the moment he pulled out

It was only when you felt his hands spreading your legs apart and his tongue plunging into you that you opened your eyes.

“Armin” You shrieked

“Mmm, relax, baby. I've got three weeks' worth of orgasms to get from you.”

[happy74827]

A New Moon

[Dexter Morgan x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: Despite his gut telling him he shouldn’t, Dexter can’t help but fall deeper into the trap of his own emotions. And the more time he spends with you, the more he starts to realize what exactly those emotions are. {GIF Creds: beautifulguycollector}

WC: 2889

Category: Slight Lime/Spice, Friends to Lovers + Forbidden Love (if you squint) Tropes

Gotta keep this fandom alive somehow 🥲 (also… why are titles so hard to write? That and the synopsis are harder to write than the actual fic)

『••✎••』

You were too good for him. Plain and simple. You were a smart, beautiful, hard-working woman who had goals and dreams. He was a cold-blooded killer. Not to say that he hadn't been there for you, though. The two of you had been friends since… well, a while. A long while.

He couldn't quite pinpoint the moment he started to notice the changes in your relationship. It was a slow, subtle buildup, and the first time you called him your friend, Dexter thought nothing of it. The second time, it made him pause, but not enough for him to consider what the implications of you saying that to him could mean.

But when you said it again and again and again, he realized the meaning behind your words, the affection they held. Dexter couldn't say that he was particularly close to many people. There were a select few he'd consider his friends, but he wasn’t emotionally invested in any of them. And he didn't think he was invested in you, either.

But maybe he was.

Debs was different, and it made him question how much he was supposed to care about someone. But that was his sister, the one person in the world who loved him unconditionally. That reason alone made his relationship with Deb unique. He was sure of that.

The same went with Brian—his brother, as it turned out. And Harrison, his son. Dexter felt things for those people, but they were different. Those were family, the people he was genetically tied to. Of course, he would care about them.

But you weren't family, and yet he still cared about you. It was a different kind of caring. And it was confusing. Dexter had convinced himself for years that he was a high-functioning sociopath, but lately…

Lately, he was beginning to question if that was true. Simple glances from you could bring an unwelcome smile to his lips. And when he heard the sound of your voice, he could feel his chest getting warm. It was a nice feeling, something he'd only experienced briefly with Rita, but then, that relationship was different too.

It was hard to put his finger on it, but being with you was just… easy. And it didn't feel like work. There was no pretending. Dexter didn't have to act when he was around you. He didn't need to try to be someone he wasn't. It was the real him.

It was terrifying.

Because now, as he sat on your couch, watching as you moved gracefully around your small apartment, the feeling was back, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

He should have been home with Harrison, but the little boy was staying over at Debra’s tonight, so he didn't have any responsibilities. The passenger within him didn’t see it as a problem either, considering he’d just recently “disposed" his latest target.

It was nice, Dexter decided, to relax every once in a while. Work and family didn't give him a lot of opportunities to do so, and now that the two were temporarily taken care of, he felt he deserved to be lazy for a bit.

You didn’t have a TV in your living room, so the two of you settled for movies. Dexter didn’t really have a preference for them. He could watch a comedy, action, drama, or horror and not feel strongly for or against any of them.

Apparently, you didn't mind what he watched either because he could see the spark of excitement in your eyes when you pulled out the case for one of the worst comedy films Dexter had ever seen.

He'd seen it before. Not with you, one of the movies Vince shoved down his throat when he planned a night out with him, Angel, and Quinn.

It wasn't his favorite, not by a long shot, but the grin on your face and the way you eagerly skipped to the DVD player, set the disk inside, and closed the hatch made him bite his tongue.

Dexter had learned a long time ago that you were a very expressive person. And even though most of the time your feelings weren't displayed on your face, your eyes told another story. Such opposites to his own, Dexter often found himself fascinated by the light they held.

You had a passion for life that was rare, and it drew him in. It was a quality he lacked, and he could see it in everything you did. Whether it was talking about the newest book you read or making coffee, you put all of yourself into your actions.

It was something that Dexter had never understood. How could you have such a strong sense of self? Didn't it get tiring, having to live up to a standard of being so… so good?

But then again, you'd always been better than him. He might’ve been smarter in some regards, but what was intelligence if it didn't come from a place of morality? You were better, purer than him. He knew it, and everyone else did, too, even if they weren’t aware of how pure he wasn’t

That's why this was so wrong. This thing that had been going on for the past couple of months between the two of you. The subtle touches, the longing stares, the late-night calls. It was all wrong.

You were similar to Rita in some ways. You were kind and compassionate, always looking for the good in others. You had a knack for taking care of people, whether they needed it or not.

Dexter could tell that was your nature, and it was one of the things that initially attracted him to you. All the things he lacked, you had. But that didn't mean that you could replace Rita. He didn’t want you to.

And that was the difference. While he may have found qualities in you that resembled the ones he'd found in Rita, you were not her. Rita was gone, and it was his fault. She didn’t deserve to die, and yet she did. She deserved to grow old, to see Harrison grow up.

She deserved better.

The same went for you. You didn’t deserve a monster like him. The more he thought about it, the more he came to the conclusion that he should stay away. It was for the best of both of you.

And yet he was here. On your couch, watching a shitty movie and drinking the beer you'd offered him. Because, despite his efforts, he couldn't keep his distance from you.

He should've known. When it came to you, Dexter didn't have a choice.

His gaze drifted over to your form as you sat down beside him. You were smiling, your eyes bright and focused on the television. A lock of hair fell across your face, and you pushed it back, the sleeve of your hoodie falling down slightly.

Dexter had never been so tempted to reach out and touch someone in his life.

It was a feeling that had been creeping up on him the last few weeks, and now, sitting with you, watching a bad movie, it was at an all-time high. He'd never craved intimacy. But there was something about you, a pull that he couldn't deny.

It gave him a sick feeling in his stomach. Reminded him of that need with Lila. God, Lila. What a mess that had turned out to be. Another thing to add to his growing list of mistakes.

And yet, the longer he stared, the more he found himself leaning forward. He didn’t register what he was doing until his lips were a hair width away from yours.

You froze but didn't move away. The only indication that you were startled was the widening of your eyes. They bored into his, unflinching. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

He was scared. Scared? Yes. That was what he was feeling. Why? He didn't know. Fear was new. It was a feeling reserved for Deb and sometimes his son, but even then, it was different.

But as Dexter gazed at you, so close and so beautiful, the fear melted away. It was replaced by a warmth that he was quickly becoming familiar with. It made his body thrum and his blood rush. It made him feel alive.

You were the first one to make a move. Well, not really a move, just the smallest shift forward, and then you were breathing the same air as him. You weren't kissing. You were just… waiting. Waiting for him to make the final move.

It was like an unspoken rule between the two of you, the power dynamic. He was the dominant one, and you were the submissive. You had never fought against it. You were a people pleaser, and he knew that.

It was one of the reasons he knew this was wrong. Because he couldn't stop, and you would never ask him to. Even now, as he hesitated, you waited patiently. You trusted him.

Why did you have to trust him? Why couldn't you be more selfish, more like him?

But deep down, Dexter knew that it wasn't your nature. You couldn't change, not any more than he could.

So, after another agonizing second, he closed the distance between you.

It was gentle, the way his lips pressed against yours. A stark contrast to the usual forcefulness he applied when taking his victims. No, with you, he was careful. Almost timid.

Your lips were soft and smooth, and the kiss was sweet. Nothing more than a simple caress. Dexter didn’t expect the tingling sensation it would cause, but the slight brush of your mouth sent shivers down his spine.

The kiss was short and chaste, but it was enough to leave him feeling dizzy. The heat spread through him, from the tips of his toes all the way to his cheeks.

Dexter pulled back, and you stared at him. His breath hitched in his throat at the look in your eyes. There was something there, something that mirrored his own emotions.

Was it possible? Was he really capable of such intense emotion?

Maybe he was.

You didn’t move. It was like time had stopped, and the only sound that could be heard was his own uneven breathing. That, and the movie playing in the background, which was forgotten as soon as your lips touched.

The urge to reach out and grab you was there. He could feel the need deep in his bones, in his soul. But instead, Dexter sat, staring. Staring into the eyes of the woman who had somehow managed to break down all the walls he'd spent his life building.

You didn't speak. There was nothing to say. No words could describe the feelings that had surfaced between the two of you. So, instead, you smiled. A simple, beautiful smile that had him feeling weak.

He could have stayed there forever, just looking at you, taking in the beauty that was you. It was a new experience for him, and it was nice.

“Debra is going to be pissed," you finally said, breaking the silence. “I’ll be bullied into telling her every detail."

He blinked. Once. Twice. Then, his lips curled up in amusement. It was true. Eventually, she’ll figure it out. Maybe she already knew but was waiting for confirmation. Debra was good at figuring out things, even if it wasn’t the most obvious answer.

His sister was good at a lot of things, like being a detective. And, apparently, being an interfering matchmaking nuisance.

At least she wouldn’t call you the things she called Lila.

The thought made him chuckle, and you looked at him in confusion, but it would have to stay a mystery to you. For what was life without a few private jokes between siblings, right?

You didn’t press for answers, though. You did what you’ve always done and waited for him—waited for him as if it was his turn in Chess.

And he did the only thing he could think to do. He kissed you again. And again. And again. And again. Until he had you pinned beneath him, your arms around his neck, and your breath coming out in heavy gasps.

The kisses were still innocent, just as you were. But he could feel the passion behind them, the hunger. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt that. It had been a long, long time.

But the longer he kissed you, the more the heat grew, and soon, he was lost in the sensation. Your hands found their way into his hair, and you tugged at the strands. His heart was racing, and the sound of his own ragged breathing filled his ears.

It was exhilarating.

Your lips parted, allowing his tongue to slip inside, and the innocence was gone. Replaced by a desire that left him trembling. The feeling of your tongue against his, the taste of you on his lips, the smell of your shampoo mixed with your unique scent—it was all intoxicating.

The movie continued to play in the background, forgotten as you pulled him closer. The warmth in his chest intensified, and Dexter didn't fight it. Instead, he embraced it. He gave in to his emotions and let himself feel.

He didn’t go too far; he knew you weren't ready for that yet. The craving was there, and it was strong, but the moment wasn’t right. Instead, he satisfied himself by touching your skin, mapping out every inch of it, memorizing the way it felt under his fingertips.

And, when you finally pulled away, breathless and flushed, he held onto you, refusing to let go. His eyes searched yours, searching for something. Anything. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but whatever it was, he didn’t find it.

He mostly saw fear, anger, and some regret when he had them pinned down beneath him. Of course, that was usually the case with his victims. Fear, anger, and regret were normal emotions—a reaction to being trapped by their own demise.

Having someone look up at him with emotions on the other side of the spectrum was different. Not a bad different, just... different.

Rita had been the first to look at him like that. Lumen did, too, once upon a time. And Lila, well, her emotions were never consistent.

But you? You looked up at him with an expression that was all too familiar and yet not quite the same. Your eyes were full of affection and desire, yes. But they were also filled with something else. Something he couldn't place.

Something he couldn’t understand.

"Dex,” your voice was so soft, a whisper. He almost didn’t hear it, and yet, he felt it. He felt the way his name rolled off your tongue, and it was like music to his ears.

"Yeah?" he whispered back. He didn’t know why he did that; it wasn't like the two of you were speaking in a library or something. Maybe it was the way the light danced in your eyes, the way the colors reflected off the white walls, casting an ethereal glow.

"I didn’t expect you to be… like this," you murmured. You ran a finger over his cheek, down to his jawline. He swallowed thickly. He could feel his pulse quicken.

"Like what?" he asked, his voice rough.

"Not bad," you replied. Your lips curved up, and his eyes were drawn to them. They were red and swollen from kissing, and it was such a contrast to the pale skin of your face.

"You think I'm not bad?" he said, raising his brows. "I'm flattered."

You shook your head. "You know what I mean," you said. "I just meant that you're different than how you come off. I didn’t think you'd be so... bold.”

He snorted.

Bold.

If you only knew.

"I guess I'm full of surprises," he said, smirking. You rolled your eyes and punched him lightly in the shoulder, only for him to catch it and press a kiss to the back of your hand. It was something he picked up from a movie once, and it seemed to be a pretty romantic gesture. And by the look on your face, it seemed to be appreciated.

You didn't say anything else. You didn't have to. There was nothing else to say. The two of you simply enjoyed each other's company, content to just be together. The movie might've been a failure, but the night wasn’t.

And when Dexter finally left, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief. Not the type of relief he felt after a successful kill, but the type of relief one feels after a burden is lifted off their shoulders. The type of relief one gets when they are finally honest with themselves.

Rita was gone. Lumen was gone. And although his guilt and shame were still there, his self-loathing and fear were slowly starting to fade away. It wasn't gone, it was never going to be, but it was a start.

A fresh start.

A new beginning.

A new moon.

Yes, tonight was the night that changed everything. Tonight, Dexter Morgan learned that maybe he was more than the monster he thought he was.

[really-fanny-longbottom]

only in my dreams

summary: love has two sides. it can be pure, beautiful, and exciting, but it can also be lonely, painful, and the worst of all — unrequited.

warnings: mentions of heartbreak, unrequited love, alcohol, death and a curse word.

pairings: azriel x reader

words: 3.3k

you should have stayed at home.

you knew you shouldn't have come.  

you knew it was a bad idea from the moment you walked through the threshold of the balcony of the house of wind.

it was sad to know that this house used to be your safe haven — a place where you were happy and felt safe, where you could be yourself. 

but now it makes you want to leave as quickly as possible and never come back.

because that was the only solution to not having to see the scene that was unfolding in front of your eyes. 

your eyes — the same ones that used to contain love and happiness, were now sad and empty.

the same ones who used to shine with excitement every time you entered a room looked now absent — as if something had sucked away their vitality and left nothing behind.

even your kind and warm smiles had started to appear less frequently until they disappeared completely.

that's how you looked now — no sparkles in your eyes and no smile on your face as you moved the food on your plate with a fork from side to side.

you stopped listening to the conversation a long time ago. 

it was another dinner night with the inner circle at the house of wind. you were sitting between rhys, who was at the head of the table on your right side, and nesta on your left side.

you were trying everything to keep your eyes on your plate so you didn't have to watch elain being courted by azriel — the owner of your heart and the reason it was breaking little more day by day.

he wasn't to blame and you didn't blame him for his feelings towards the middle archeron sister, afterall, no one has the power to choose who they like or love — but it didn't make it any less painful.

pain — you were feeling it a lot now.  

every time elain laughed at something azriel whispered to her made it hurt even more.  

your power wasn't helping you at all right now.  

Being an empath had its advantages — it allowed you to feel and understand the emotions and feelings of others and increase and decrease their intensity. it also allowed you to know when someone is lying or telling the truth and to control and manipulate them, despite not using the last two (unless it was necessary) because you believe it to be incorrect.

but the thing most people didn't know about being an empath is that it affects your emotions and feelings, too.

it makes you feel everything more intensely — meaning that you felt everything ten times more than everyone else.

a good joke that made others laugh until their stomachs hurt — made you cry with laughter. 

simple things that made others happy — made you jump with joy.

and when others felt passion — you felt love. 

you loved with more strength and intensity than everyone, but you also suffered in the same way.

and when you suffer, it's like your light has been turned off.

a hand on your knee took you out of your thoughts — nesta.  

she was the only reason you were here — literally, she dragged you from the library when you told her you wouldn't be joining them for dinner.

the older archeron sister had become one of your favorite people. 

nesta was the one who had the most difficult time in adjusting and accepting this new life, so instead of ignoring her as some did, you decided to be the first to extend your hand to her.

it all started with your mutual interest in books. it started with book recommendations, then exchanges and finally reading them together.

by the time you noticed, you were training together, sharing meals, and adventuring in the city.

your friendship was not easy — nesta made sure of that.  

at first, she tried to push you away with cold stares and nasty comments, but you knew better than anyone that it was nothing but a defense mechanism.

you knew that when she said she was better off alone, she really just wanted someone to hug her.

so, knowing better than anyone, you fought for her.  

you ignored the cold stares and faced her nasty comments, and when she tried to push you away, you stood your ground and didn't let her.  

little by little, she let you in, and you got to know her — the real nesta.  

over time, the staring stopped, the comments disappeared, and instead of trying to push you away, she started looking for your company.

your friendship turned into a sisterhood, and now, Nesta would fight for you just as much as you fought for her. 

your sisterhood grew, and short after that, you were welcoming emerie and gwyn — your girls.

quickly, a friendship was formed between the four of you, and there was no one you trusted more than each other.  

they told everything about themselves, their past, their fears, and even their secrets.

so, you did the same — except your feelings for the shadowsinger, nesta was the only one who knew about that.

you joined the inner circle one hundred and fifty years ago when you moved to velaris to live with your great-aunt madja.

despite being an empath, you also inherited a natural talent for healing just like your aunt.

that's how you met rhysand and his family.

there was an enemy attack in windhaven with several fatalities and many injured illyrians, which required all the healers who worked at the clinic, including you and madja, to be winnowed there by morrigan.

as soon as you arrived, it was total chaos. the soldiers who were not injured, and even some who were, did not stop running from one side to the other, nor did they stop shouting or grabbing weapons and demanding to go after those who fled making it impossible for the healers to help. 

the enemy had already been defeated before your arrival, so you were not in danger and for that reason, you did not hesitate to use your powers.

you made your way so you could stand right in the middle of the soldiers. 

you raised your arms to the sides and closed your eyes, and with a little bit of focus you let the soldiers' emotions start to invade you from head to toe.

then with a long sigh, you took control of their emotions and released your power.

the soldiers immediately stopped in their places and went limp before starting to fall to the ground unconscious.

you put them to sleep.

it was the only safe way for the healers to be able to do their work even though you didn't like having this kind of control over someone.

the only ones who were not affected were the high lord, his brothers, and his cousin.

their eyes were fixed on you, who remained standing among the sleeping soldiers.

and when they turned to you for an explanation of what had just happened, they were even more shocked when you revealed to them what you were and what you had just done.

they had never met anyone with that kind of power, and so they were having a little trouble getting their faces back to an expression of neutrality.

impressed wasn't enough to describe how they were feeling at that very moment.

qs a thanks, rhysand offered you a position in his inner circle. after some hesitation and several lectures from madja about how it would be a bad idea (and lack of education) to refuse such an offer, you accepted.

moving to the house of wind, you established friendships with all the members, but azriel was the one you became closest to.  

you became best friends over time, and before you could stop your heart, you fell in love with him.  

even when he was already in love with mor.

despite knowing about his affections towards the blonde female, it hadn't hurt as much as it does now because azriel had never acted on his feelings for her.

but you decided to wait. you believed that one day the mother would smile upon you, and she would grant you the wish you carried in your heart every day.

therefore, during that time, you were content to love him from afar — and in the shadows.

you thought that day had finally arrived after noticing the change in azriel's behavior towards mor after the arrival of the archeron sisters.  

you couldn't be more wrong.

you couldn't help but find this whole situation ironic. after decades of seeing azriel in love with mor and hoping that one day he would notice you, he was now courting elain.

the archeron sisters came into your life and turned everything upside down. you were grateful that feyre and nesta's path led them to you, but you couldn't feel the same way about elain.

before you could wander in your thoughts even more, nesta squeezed your knee, getting your attention again. 

you looked at your best friend and noticed the worry on her face, so putting your hand on top of hers, you murmured to her a small "i'm okay" and gave her a small smile. 

"are you sure?" she murmured too, so no else could hear it. 

you nodded your head at her and returned your attention to your plate.

rhys' voice made you look up, and you regretted it immediately because in that exact moment, you saw azriel and elain's hands intertwined on the top of the table.

you shook your head and looked at your high lord — who had become a very good friend of yours.

"are our plans at rita's still on for tomorrow night?" rhys asked. 

everyone — but you — said their agreements before azriel spoke, "actually, elain and i have plans for tomorrow night." 

your breathing got caught on your throat, and nesta's hand flew immediately to yours, grabbing it gently.

it was Feyre who asked, "where are you going?" you could've sworn there was a hint of surprise in her voice.

"to the new restaurant that just opened by the rainbow. it's supposed to be very good," elain's eyes moved from her younger sister to the male sitting next to her, "so we decided to try it." 

cassian cleared his throat, and he looked in your direction before looking at the people in front of him. "it's that a date? are you going on a date?"

azriel chuckled and squeezed elain's hand. "i guess we can call it that." 

you stood up abruptly, attracting everyone's eyes, "sorry. i just remembered that madja needs my assistance to visit a patient tomorrow, and i forgot to prepare the medical bag." 

you excused yourself before leaving the dining room and making your way towards the stairs. 

you heard cassian and nesta calling your name, but you didn't bother to turn as you started to descend the ten thousand steps.

through your power, you were able to realize that no one — with the exception of your best friend and her mate — noticed your lie. 

Just as they didn't notice the tears that filled your eyes as soon as you turned your back on them and left the room.

••• 

you went to your aunt's house.  

the last thing madja expected to find at her door at that time of night was her niece with red eyes and tears running freely down her cheeks.

she barely let you walk in before she wrapped your figure into a tight embrace. 

she had noticed the change in your mood recently but decided not to comment because she knew very well that as soon as you were ready to talk, you would tell her everything.

and that's what you did.

you told her everything as you both rested on her pink couch with your head in her lap while she caressed your hair, listening to your words attentively.

you ended up falling asleep with your cheeks stained from the tears, and madja didn't dare to move. she refused to awake you from your peaceful slumber.

she bent down to kiss your head, and when she raised again, she saw a piece of parchment on the top of the table next to the couch, reaching for it.

it was rhysand asking where you were. 

madja answered for you, saying that you were with her and spending the night at her house. 

it didn't take long until your aunt joined you into your slumber.

•••

the following night, you made your way towards the House after a hard day at the clinic. 

the day got worse when the patient you went to see at his residence didn't make it.

sometimes, you hate your job, especially because of your powers. when things got too much for you to handle, you had to put a shield around you to prevent you from feeling your patients worries or pains.

the patient you visited was heavily sick. it was too late to do anything medical, so you did the only thing you could.

you used your powers. let his emotions invade you, and then, with a long sigh, you took away his pain and transferred it to you.

that was the only thing you could do for him at that moment, and you are more than relieved that you were able to provide him comfort while he left this world, making his passing easier for him and his family.

you climbed the ten thousand steps, but it didn't even bother you. you were too busy thinking about your patient and whether his family would be okay.

you made a mental note to visit them the next day and help where you could.

you pushed these thoughts away as you opened the door and entered the House.

all you needed right now was to be with your friends and forget about this awful day.

when you walked into the living room, you remembered that everyone went to rita's.

well, everyone, but you, azriel, and elain. the two of them were on their date tonight. 

and like a snap of a finger, all your emotions and feelings from the last few months and days came flooding back.  

your eyes fell on rhys's expensive drinks cart.  

you wiped your tears and everything you felt turned into anger.  

"fuck it."

you went to the cart, grabbed the first bottle that was in your reach, removed the cork and drank, sinking the drink down your throat and your sorrows with it.

•••

three hours later, cassian, nesta, rhys and feyre finally arrived at the house.

amren had departed to her apartment after they left rita's and mor stayed behind saying that her night wasn't over yet.

the two couples had come talking about you on the way. they had waited for you but when you didn't show up, they assumed you were with madja or still at the clinic.

rhys had sent a letter to madja a few minutes ago asking for you and when your aunt said she was looking for you too, they left hoping to find you here.

they just didn't expect the state they were going to find you.

as soon as they passed the threshold of the balcony and into the living room, they saw you.

you were laying on the couch with your legs off of it, an empty bottle was in your hand, and another on the floor by your feet.

"oh my god," the high lady whispered.

cassian moved and kneeled next to you by the couch. his hand made its way to your arm and tried to awake you.

"y/n." he shook you lightly.

after a few seconds, you opened your eyes and were faced with the General looking at you.

"cass," you said with your voice dragging, "you're here." you moved to sit and wrapped him into a hug, one that he didn't hesitate to reciprocate.

"are you alright, sweetheart?" he asked you while caressing your back.

"i am now that you're all here," you released a breath. "my dear friends", you looked at your other three friends who were looking at you with concern. "you're so beautiful. all of you. did you know that?" you giggled.

it was rare for you to drink and when you did, you never got drunk.

nesta sat down next to you and put an arm around your shoulders. you took the opportunity to rest your head on her shoulder, finding comfort in your friend's embrace.

"what happened, y/n?" she asked you.

you started laughing before replying with irony in your voice "what didn't happen?" 

you pushed away from her and stood so you could face all your friends "my patient died. the male I've been in love with for decades won't even look at me and this house that used to be my safe haven, it's now the stage of my pain."

"oh! not to mention that elain is mated but does she care? no! does azriel care? of course not. i've been in love with him for decades. decades! and he doesn't even look at me." you started laughing, "by the cauldron, u'm pathetic."

your family didn't seem surprised by your revelation.

cassian pulled you into a tight hug and rhys and nesta moved to do the same.

if it weren't for this situation everyone would've thought that the world was about to end from seeing rhys and nesta hugging each other.

morrigan arrived in the moment you were in the middle of your friends with tears in your eyes.

"what's going on?" mor whispered to feyre who was still in the same spot since she arrived.

feyre explained everything and by the moment she finished, both females had tears in her eyes at the sight of her friend being hurt.

"what's wrong with me?" you asked them, your voice breaking.

"nothing is wrong with you. nothing." that wasn't your friend speaking — it was your high lord.

feyre and morrigan joined the hug in the moment you said, "i'm never going to be good enough for him. i'll never be her." 

tears rolled down feyre and mor faces, and both females were asking the same question in their minds "how long has she been feeling like this?"

your high lady spoke this time, "y/n, what can we do? what do you need?"

you hugged cassian tighter before locking eyes with nesta "i just need my girls."

nesta nodded her head at you and looked at the blonde female "can you take us?" 

mor didn't hesitate in agreeing. 

anything to make you feel better.

•••

two hours later, you were in the middle of the bed with nesta and gwyn on one side and emerie on the other, all of them with their arms around you.

the three of them had fallen asleep a few minutes ago after one hour of you telling them everything about azriel and a lot of cups of tea and tissues.

you thought they would've been mad at you but they didn't. 

they reassured you several times that it was okay and that you could take all the time in the world until you were ready after you tried to apologize too many times.

now you were staring at the ceiling thinking about your options.

you couldn't live like this anymore, knowing that azriel would never love you back. 

so you were going to do the only thing you could in order to protect what was left of your heart.

there was something about your powers that no one knew. something that you never had shared.

you had a switch.  

one that you could turn on and off whenever and wherever you wanted.  

in the same way that you could feel everything, you could also feel nothing.

the only problem? everything that made you, you, would disappear.

but it was also your solution to your situation.

you closed your eyes and gave a deep breath.

you focused on your breathing for a minute and then. . .

no more emotions.

no more feelings.

no more love.

no more sadness.

no more pain.

no more tears.

you turned it off.

when you opened your eyes again, you were numb.

you didn't feel a single thing. 

good.

a/n: thank you for reading!

[masterlist]

general taglist: @emryb @fantasyandshit @azrielover @shadowsingercassia @brieflyclassymortal @lilah-asteria @lure-of-writing @pruvii @olive-main @mybestfriendmademe @anuttellaa

the beautiful dividers belong to @cafekitsune

[thedivinetarot]

Do you think we'll be in love?

Is there a new love coming in?

☆ How to chose the perfect pile for you?

Take a deep breathe, clear your mind. Don't think of anything or anyone, ONLY focus on your body sensations (your breathe). Ask the question in your head (what's next in my love life?) And open your eyes. Shall the picture that you are drawn to be your pile. Read the energy check and see if it resonated or not. If not chose another pile and if yes enjoy your reading🔮🕯.

☆ Now, who does this reading suite?

- Singles only.

- Don't read if you are currently seeing someone. Unless you are single and broke up with your ex too long ago.

- Do not and I will say it again DO NOT THINK of your CRUSH while reading it. This is not for CRUSHES. We are going to see who the universe is going to bring your way.

☆ Note:

- Thank your guys for 500 followers. I'm so grateful and happy that we are growing together in this blog🙏🏼❤.

Pile 1 - Ghost under a tree

Your current energy:

Hello pile 1. How are your guys, I hope you are doing well. Anyways, first thing I'm picking up on is that this pile feels a little discouraged by their love life. I feel like whenever you feel a little hopeful something bad happens (rejection, workload, or another bad incidents) and turn your views on finding your person or love or soulmate. I see that this pile want terribly to find their soulmate. Like you are putting on too much hope and pessimism towards that at the same time. I see also that a part of you still believe that maybe IF you have DONE a,b,c etc, you could've now been with your partner in a loving connection. But I see that another part of you is denying that it will happen. I see that there was a connection in your life were your felt a strong pull toward but because of your discouraged attitude you turned your back on it or they might have rejected you. But I see that the wheel of fortune is spinning your direction and it is going to bring you the person that you will find the emotional fulfillment with. Another energy I'm picking up on are my happily in a long term relationship. Haven't I told you guys that this is not your reading? Why don't you listen? Hmm🤨. Anyways feel free to enjoy I was just kidding lol. I see that for my single people your knight in a shining armor is going to be in your life but you have to be patient. I see that you will be so emotionally fulfilled by them. Another thing I'm picking up on is that you may have been in a twin flame connection and things at first was soo cool and wonderful and then something happened you may stopped talking to them or you are in separation and I see that you are discouraged about that. I see that you may be waiting for them but even if you chose to move on from that connection you are going to find fulfillment with your soulmate. So, in both cases the universe want you to win pile1. Love is on the horizon.

Confirmation that this is your pile:

You have sun, mercury, jupiter dominant in your chart. You have the lover archetype or the maiden archetype. You have been on a twin flame journey and you are currently in separation right now. You are a leo, sagittarius, gemini, pisces or cancer. Or you have your sun in the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 9th, 12th house in your chart.

Is there a new love coming in and who are they?

Short answer: yes. There's a love coming in for you pile 1. And for others in this pile it could be someone from the past. I see that this person was a friend or fwb or a childhood friend. I see that this person was completely defenseless in front of your charm. I see that they like you so much pile 1 and they could do anything for you. They could be older than you and they are very outgoing and extroverted. I see that they are a party person. They like to party a lot and they are very charismatic and friendly. Also they are very protective and gentle. Also they are very structured and organized. Maybe at first you won't think that commitment can come from this person, you may think that they are extremely carefree and want to just f*ck around but unlikely, they can be very traditional when it comes to marriage and dating. They may be very old fashioned when it comes to dating people. Also they can be (regardless of their gender) the one who is the masculine or this person is very masculine or they have a strong masculine energy. They LOVE to provide and spoil their loved ones. I see that this person is a complete mix between practicality and firness. I see that they can be childish at times and other times they just flip character and become very authoritative and demanding. They do really value their independence, they hate neediness or clingy partners so be careful if you don't want them to get bored with you. This person is an energy ball, I'm hearing fire ball lol. They are very energetic, extroverted, friendly and they have inner power to them. I see that this person is quite a people pleaser and they can get stuck in helping others and neglecting their own needs. They can be a little bit naive sometimes, the major problem here is that they are very kind that sometimes people use them. Another thing coming through is that they are optimistic too, they have a big hope for the future and their moto is " a bad day doesn't mean a bad life". This person can have a lot pf female friends, or just knows/ befriends a lot of people no matter what is their gender. Currently, I see that this person is enjoying their life and how far they have come.

What are they going to think of you?

Right of the bat, I think that this person will see that you are hiding how much you are struggling with life. You may not tell them that you have been through a lot of financial problems or just struggling in life in general. I see that they are going to see that your aura is very sweet and calming. I see also that you might be their type. Like their wish fulfillment. They are going to think that you are the most sweet, beautiful Goddess walking on this earth. Also, because of how much they are going to admire your beauty they will be afraid that you might reject or break their heart. I see that they may be a little insecure of themselves pr you just make them insecure. I see that how they feel and what they think is completely mixed. They might think that you are too beautiful that you are going to hurt them but at the same time your energy is just too calming, too peaceful. You put them at ease which is going to make them confused. Like they want to enjoy this but at the same time they will be afraid that you are just toying with their heart. Also, they might feel connected to you emotionally. Like they might not tell anyone how they feel but when they are with you, they won't shut up. They will also idealize you too. There's this idealization happening in this relationship. All of this is because they think you are too good to be true. Like you are their dream person. I am not kidding at all. No matter who you are, or how you look or whether you think you are beautiful/handsome or not they are going to think and see that you are their wish come true. Also I see that they may put you on the wife category. If you are a female; they might look at you as wife material or someone who is suitable for marriage.

Placements for them and other stuff:

Aries, Leo, Taurus, Cancer, Aquarius, Uranus, Sun, Venus, as dominant planets in their chart. Also when I was typing I typed letter A, J, H, I, they may have those letters in their name.

Pile 2 - Hunted house under moon

Your current energy:

Okay, okay pile 2. How are you first? I hope you are doing well. I see that you may be stuck on someone. Perhaps, a failed talking stage or just someone you had a crush on but things didn't really progressed at all. You may be getting hot over them? Or from them? I see desire so maybe this person is someone who turn you on? Idk. When I wad typing the last sentence I kept writing hot, hot, hot and Idk why. Anyway, I see that there's a lot of happiness here. You may be hopeful that this connection will lead somewhere. Despite hoping things to move forward from the person you are stuck on you are not doing anything for things to progress. I see that you may want to give them another chance but you are waiting for a miracle or divine intervention in this case. I see that this person you are currently stuck on is someone who is very feminine. If you are masculine or define as masculine you may be attracted to their beauty or femininity. I see that you want to give things another shot and you want to keep them in your life even if they are not going to offer something stable. I see that you want to give them a solid start so you can at least patch things up with them. There's still alot for you to give to this person. But just in case, I will pull cards to clarify how this person feels towards you. Okay, I guess your person know intuitively that there's something big that is about to happen between you two but the thing is they are not as attached to the situation as you. I see that they broke free from the situation, they remember you and they respect you BUT they are not attached to you as much. I think this person is kind of spiritual so they may know what you are about to do. But anyway. I think the situation that happened between you two is that one of you offered something emotional and the other is either got scared and run away or wanted nothing from you but friendship. So, one of you (who made the offer or confessed) felt disappointed by that and they chose to work on themselves.

Confirmation that this is your pile:

Venus, Sun, jupiter, Saturn as dominant planets in your chart. And I see the zodiac sign libra, taurus, pisces, virgo, leo. I also typed J so it might be a letter in your name.

Is there a new love coming in? And who are they?

Yes, there's a new love for you pile 2 but.... well... it may be with that one crush or failed talking stage. I see that you are hyper focused on them and also you are very happy and hopeful that things may progress. You are too caught up in the fantasy. I feel like this reading is very specific like I'm reading for someone on one-to-one reading. But anyways, this person is very chill, relaxed, and the way they talk could be slow or their voice is low in general or their voice have this sadness to it? Like the way they talk feels like they just finished crying. I see that they can suppress the things they want to say out of fear that they might not be understood. I see that they often feel or scared that someone is going to misunderstand them. But they are very sweet and emotional. I see that if they are a female; they are the typical sweet, caring, gentle figure. And if they are a male; they are emotionally mature and they are in tune with their intuition and their feelings. This person is intuitive too, I'm sensing INFJ, ENFJ, ENFP or INFP from them. This person is very powerful at manifesting, they might be manifesting you and if not then they are very good at manifesting things into their life. I see that this person is very romantic, very sensitive and they are like a knight in shining armor. They are so how can I say it? Dreamy? Or imaginative? They could be idealistic yeah. I see also that you may be isolated from interactions with them but the interactions between you two are just too sweet and happy that you cannot get out of your head. I see that you may be on your healing journey, that's why you got isolated. But this isolation with healing for too long made you stuck pile 2. I see that you might be stuck in life and you can't quite change your circumstances. It can be frustrating I know but you'll get out of it. I pulled more cards so you can get more details about this person. This person is (again tarot is putting too much attention on their nurturing qualities) very nurturing and kind. They like to help others. Sometimes is it not real how empathetic they are. They are not assertive at all they go with the flow and they can be a little bit rigid with their opinions. This person have healed a lot of traumas. They might have gone to therapy or healed on their own. Another thing I'm picking up on is how slow they are. They might walk slowly, talk slowly or just their reactions to things is slow. But I see practically too. So, they might think practically a lot. And they are a good balance between emotions and practicality or reason.

What they are going to think of you?

Initially, this person will think that you are very confident, sexy and successful. And if not they will think that you are beautiful and confident with high self esteem and also they will think that you assertive too. I see that you may be someone who call themselves high achiever and so on. But... well because they are intuitive they will see past that feçad. They will see that you are obsessed with them. I keep hearing "obsessed by Mariah Carrie" lol. And if you are not obsessed then you might be too attached or clingy to/towards them. This person because they are intuitive and empathetic they will see your trauma, they will see how hurt you are. But don't worry they won't hurt or use that against you whatsoever. I see that they will see you as an energy ball. Someone who walk fast, move fast and your reactions are faster than they are. They are also going to see that behind your mask is a wounded inner child and in their presence you'll act like a child because you'll be too comfortable that your inner child will be out. They will give you the space you need to let your creative side out and they are going to heal you pile 2.

Placements for them:

Aries, Capricorn, Gemini, Cancer, Pisces, Aquarius, mars, moon, mercury, Saturn, neptune as dominant planets. Letters: J, B, S, N, Z.

Pile 3 - Scary tree

Your current energy:

Hello pile 3 how are you? I hope you are doing well (This energy check in have two energies if you are single keep reading). Starting off I see that you may already be in a relationship and you want to know if this person is your future spouse or your forever person. I'm not sensing that this person is a stranger, no. This person and you may have been dating briefly or you may have been in a relationship with them for months? Nothing new but I feel like this person is very safe for your inner child. I see that you may have been very abused or disappointed in your love life and this person came and everything changed to the point of you feeling healed and fulfilled by them. I see that they constantly reassure you and making sure that you are okay and fine. This person may use their phone a lot to call you or messaging you to check up on you. I see that you feel very happy with them. And if you are single I see that you are in a place of healing your inner child. I see a lot of healing mentally and emotionally. Also, I see that you are collecting the courage to follow your passion. Love might not be a thing for you to focus on right now. I'm not saying you don't want it, you are just prioritizing your healing and mental health at the moment. I see a fast swift movement, you may have considered moving from your state or country (depending on where you live). I see that there may be a project you went through but all the team somehow ended up dealing with the government (this is not for everyone). You may be a law student who is doing a project related to this or you may have been doing something as a project and you are waiting the government to confirm it for you.

Confirmation that this is your pile:

You may be someone who write and delete the text few times before sending it or this is a habit of yours. You may have Cancer, Pisces, Leo, Gemini, Sagittarius placements in your chart. Or you may have your sun or moon in the 12th, 4th, 5th, 3rd, 9th house. You may be Sun, moon, Mars dominant.

Is there a new love coming in? And who are they?

(Well, take what resonates) Anyways for my taken people this person is your spouse or your future love. And even if they didn't marry you; you may have a long term relationship with them. What I mean with long is more than 2 years (depend on your definition of long-term). If you are single this person may be your spouse and if not then you'll be in a long term relationship with them. I see this person (again I'm picking up on two energies) one of them is younger or same age as you and the other is older (3 year age gap). This person is independent, mature and healed. I see that this person hate conflicts and very diplomatic. Like; they looovvveee keeping the peace. I see that they are very balanced, they take equally to what they receive. And won't use you for anything (love, affection, resources). I see that they are very determined, very structured. They like keeping everything tidy and clean. I guess their physical appearance is polished too, like you see those people who wake up at 5:00 a.m. to take a shower and shave their beard and go to work (same for women she showers put on make up, dress well) they are like this. I see also that this person (because they are very healed) they won't hesitate to walk away from things that doesn't serve them. Like, if they see that your relationship is unbalanced they will try to resolve this with you and if you didn't respond they'll leave because their inner peace is what matter. This person is very decisive, they won't make you question their feelings towards you. I see also that they are very protective, family oriented too. This person have a solid build like their body looks solid. Also, I see that they have dark hair and hazel eyes. This person can be unpredictable sometimes but not for the worst. What I mean is that they do this unpredictable thingy for the sake of fun and excitement but nothing bad (just to spice things up). At first this person look apathetic, disinterested that sometimes you'll question if they like you or not but all their apathy is a "mask" because they are nervous around you. This person saw honestly quite a lot of things in their life regarding relationships and they successful healed from it that's why I'm telling you that they won't hesitate to walk away from things that hurt them. Because they got hurt a lot in the past. So, please pile 3 take care of them but also don't allow them to walk all over you. Be balanced like them give as they give in the same amount and always communicate with them, looking at how much swords I got in the reading the communication is very important so that relationship won't go the wrong way.

What they are going to think of you?

Initially, I see that this person will think that you are either very hot physically OR they'll think that you are very active and energetic. I see also that they are going to see that you are someone who is very unpredictable too. Like you see those people who say unpredictable things and talk about taboo stuff randomly? They are going to see you like that. Also they'll think that you are very innocent or you may have comforting and familiar aura. You see those people who have something in them that make us remember someone we used to love? They will think this of you. Also they'll see that you have healing energy. Your aura and presence is very healing for them and it put them at ease. Also they will think that you are spiritual (not religious, they may be religious. Depend on the country you live in and the religions there). They'll see that you are very courage and strong. They will also sense that you have a strong spiritual protection from your spirit guides, this will scare them to not hurt you because they'll get their karma if they did. They may also see that you are lying about somethings in your life. Like for example, you may lie that your financial status/ income is higher but actually they see through that. Some of you may lie about your mental health, like if you are depressed or have any mental disorder they will see through that. Some of you may also lie about your job/ profession you may say that you are in a field that is not your actual field to impress them but please don't they'll figure it out. If you get vulnerable with them they won't hurt you because they know what it is like to get vulnerable. But overall they won't think anything bad.

Placements for them:

Air placements (Aquarius, gemini, and libra). Fire placements (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius). And taurus. Their sun or moon may be in the 1st, 5th, 9th, 11th, 12th, 7th house. They may be neptune, mars, moon, uranus dominant. For letters I didn't get any I hope this is going to help.

Pile 4 - A dead body on a boat

Your current energy:

Hey guys, How are you? I hope you are doing well. Let's start, first I see that some of you was working on a project but somehow you got deceived by the people you worked with. I see that for you this project was something you poured all your passion in but you worked with the wrong people unfortunately. Those people might deceived and used you I see that they hide how much money they got from the project and gave you just a tiny percentage of the money. I see that they are very stingy with their money and they used you to get the money. Be careful from them, I see also that some of you have fallen apart from them and others are still dealing with this sh*t. I see that for the people who you left they still want to use you again and they are trying to awake the relationship again so expect them to give you a call and if they did don't answer. If the first situation didn't resonate with you I see that you may be getting tired of your family drama. I see that you may have a very controlling and strict caregivers who most of the time didn't allow you to live freely. But this won't last, I see that you'll move out from your parents home and start fresh in another state or country because you want to be your own person. Also your parents may be divorced and you live with your dad? Away from your mother and you miss her that's what I'm seeing. I see also that despite this determination of moving and leaving; you are tired pile 4. You just can't do it anymore, I feel like I'm going to cry. I feel like you are pushing yourself too hard that it feels impossible to even keep going but you are doing it anyway. I feel like my heart sank in my chest, do you have low blood pressure? Be careful of that. Eat mindfully and chose hight quality food and work out too because your body need you to take care of it as much as other things does. This is my only single pile the others are dating or even in a relationship and I managed feeling their energy but anyways.

Confirmation this is your pile:

You may have earth placements (capricorn, virgo, taurus). Gemini, Aquarius, Leo, Scorpio too. You may be Pluto, Saturn, Mercury dominant. Your sun or moon may be in the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 11th, 6th, 8th house.

Is there a new love coming in for you? And who are they?

Well, I didn't intend on making this; it was supposed to be a love reading but I will tell you what I got. I got a strong No for you. There is no one coming to your life right now. I see that you may be in survival mode and it is so hard to find love and connect with someone genuinely. I also see that if you want to attract someone this person will take from you and won't add any value to your life. This may be someone who is law vibrational; how so? This is someone who is not healed at all and they have no idea what spirituality means. I see that in order for you to attract someone with high value and vibrations you still need to heal yourself. I feel like you may be frustrated right now but the thing is you won't attract what you wish for if you do not heal. You are going to exactly attract someone the opposite of your wishes. That's why I'm telling you that you need to heal and elevate your vibrations. I didn't intend on making this pile as advice or self related at all. But I asked God to connect me to this collective and I'm channeling this for you in order for you to attract someone who is going to elevate your life for the better. If you chose to date right now without healing yourself you'll get someone as opposite of what you wish for. Someone who is very un-serious and not responsible at all. You may even attract the 50/50 people if you do not heal and get out of the survival mode. Right now all you have to do is to take a serious steps to build a foundation for your life. Put your whole focus and intention on making your life a beautiful garden so the butterflies can visit it and love then will blossom. Also 77 is on the bottom of the deck so, I guess luck and the divine on your side. Your guides want me to tell you that they are there for you ask them for help and healing and they will exactly guide you through it. Take care pile 4 your healing is priority and I wish you roses 🤍.

Post Date: 31st of Oct-2024 Thur

*Feedback is appreciated

[gayhoediaz]

"I - I'm sorry for showing up at your station in the middle of the night, I - I should have called, but I knew you had a shift, and I-"

"Didn't want to do this over the phone," Tommy guesses gently, watching as Evan nods, face flickering with recognition.

"...or in a text or something, yeah," he confirms - then he clears his throat, frowning at the ground for a moment. "Look, I - I know that - that maybe I should just... walk away, and - and take no for an answer, and I - I will," he says, and when their eyes meet again, Evan's are glossy with emotion - even from ten feet away. "I promise."

Tommy crosses his arms over his chest, exhaling gently as he waits for Evan to gather his thoughts.

"I know I fucked up by going all... bro-dude on you on our first date," he says, trailing off with a self-deprecating, sad chuckle. Tommy swallows, forcing his feet to stay glued to the concrete flooring. "And you don't wanna deal with that, I get it, I know that you probably didn't sign up for... all of this," he continues - and somehow Tommy has a sinking feeling that he's not only referring to his newly discovered bisexuality. "Didn't sign up for someone who is just... so new at this-"

"-that's not it," Tommy can't help but interrupt - the same way he can't help but take one step closer - and then one more. "Evan, I don't have a problem with being the first man you're with, it just seemed as if you weren't sure that you wanted a man at all, and that's the thing that I'm not sure that I-"

"I - I know that," Evan interrupts him right back, his voice growing thicker, tears seemingly dangerously close to passing his waterline as he takes half a step closer to Tommy, his hands in front of him, frustratingly grasping the air as if the words he wants to say will be somewhere in there. "That's what I came here to say - look, my entire life, I've just been... searching for something, you know? Something that felt right, someplace where I could... belong," he says, forehead decorated with a deep line of frustration. "And then I found it."

"Firefighting," Tommy guesses - and the crease evens out - just a little bit - as the corner of Evan's mouth twitches up.

"Yeah," he nods. "Yeah - and I thought that was it. And - and then I realized that I still felt... wrong? And I - I felt stupid, you know?" he says, tapping the pads of his index and middle finger to his own temple. "'Cause I have a job that I love, people that I love - and I spent so long trying to find the thing that was missing, and I just - I - I had no idea what it was..." he says - and then he straightens up a little bit, swallowing. "...and then you kissed me," he concludes.

Tommy feels himself melt.

This goddamn kid is going to be the death of him, isn't he?

"...and it was like..." Evan brings his hands up in front of himself again, mimicking something like an explosion - but the sound effect he chooses isn't an explosion. It's a sharp, unmistakable, loud exhale.

"That was it," Tommy hums, allowing himself a few steps closer. Evan's eyes remain on his own as he moves, trailing him every single step of the way.

"That was it," Evan confirms. "So if you think that I - that I'm somehow gonna - gonna change my mind, or - or run away, or freak out, or decide that I don't like men, that's never gonna happen," he shakes his head. "I'm - I'm a lot, I know that, I've always been a lot, I don't think I totally know how to be anything different, but Tommy, I am... I'm very, very bi. I like men. And I like y-"

Tommy finds a gentle grasp on his chin, guiding him into a kiss.

Shut up, is what the kiss says. You have me. I'm yours. I got you.