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bairdthereader · 4 months ago

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Intentional Touch, Respected Space: A By-Episode Study, Part 3

This is the space where their loves grows in safety.

S1E3: Kiss

[Note: Approx. 4K words here, so grab a snack first!]

Nick has been dealing with and processing quite a lot of newly acknowledged feelings in the days leading up to the events of episode 3. (See @stopper-my-heart’s excellent post analyzing Nick’s internet research.) When Harry asks how’s it, Nick’s “fine” is followed up with a totally untrue “everything’s normal," as he tries to push back the confusion he's feeling. After Harry invites Nick to his party, Nick has some interactions where his internal turmoil starts to affect his responses to the people around him: Imogen's thinly disguised effort to wrangle Nick into a date and the locker room teasing about Imogen and Tara. These are some of the places where we clearly see Nick beginning to struggle with the divide that's appearing between his previous self and the deeply buried truths he’s starting to recognize, saying things he doesn't quite mean and sliding back into the persona he's always held up with his friend group.

So, it’s a ways into this episode before Nick and Charlie are able to have a real conversation, and Nick takes the opportunity to ask Charlie to Harry’s party. Nick’s previous conversations about the party resulted in impulsive, pressured, or protectively ambiguous responses ("Yeah, sounds good," to Harry; "Fine, I guess I can invite you" to Imogen; "Yeah, maybe," to the rugby lads re: Tara), but this is a determined, intentional Nick. [I won’t belabor the point here, but see my previous post about this scene and Nick’s intentions if you’d enjoy more detail.] Suffice it to say that the space between Nick and Charlie has gotten visibly a bit smaller and emotionally very much smaller. Nick keeps his arms crossed during this conversation, but loosely, and he’s leaning forward. There’s some self-soothing and protection here as Nick bravely pushes forward and asks Charlie to go to Harry’s party, but at the end of the exchange Nick is still leaning toward Charlie, looking at him in a similar way as he did on the couch while considering holding Charlie's hand, but with more happiness.

On the flip side, Charlie’s hesitancy in saying yes to the party is obviously due to the fact that Harry’s party definitely is not his kind of thing, but also, I think we can assume, due to the locker room conversation referenced above where Nick (from Charlie’s perspective) has just contradicted all the signals he sent Charlie during the hug at his house. Charlie can’t imagine enjoying a party where Nick has his “chance with Tara.” But then Nick says “I want you to be there” and Charlie takes a moment to really look at Nick’s face, which is, it must be said, pretty close to his own in this moment. Charlie’s expression runs the gamut in just a second (Joe, you genius). There is the briefest moment when he looks like he might decline again, then a moment when his gaze roves around Nick’s face, and then Charlie clearly changes his mind. Something he sees reassures him that Nick means what he says, and so Charlie says “okay.”

On the night of the party, we see that Nick has been spending time with the rugby lads and other people from his friend group, enjoying himself generally, but not fully present. Imogen makes a grabby appearance, demands a hug and a compliment on her dress. Nick turns away almost immediately, looking for Charlie, whom, he’s beginning to realize on some level, he’s more comfortable with than any of these people. Charlie, on the other hand, is essentially entering what must feel to him and his PTSD like a gladiator’s ring. He’s surrounded by either strangers, bullies, or people he knows only superficially, with chaotic sound and strobing lights. He needs a grounding force and comfort.

So when they see each other, cross the room and enter their shared space, there’s clear relief and gladness, a mutual clicking into place.

Nick, likely recalling the hug at Charlie’s house, approaches Charlie with arms raised, possibly wishing to repeat that gesture of honest affection. So perhaps the original intent was a hug, perhaps not, but either way Nick remembers the public setting and that Charlie has not been privy to the progression of Nick’s thoughts around touch between them and so wouldn’t understand the motivation behind the hug. He settles instead for a two-shoulder grasp, continuing to respect the space between them—both the physical space required by the public setting and Nick’s concern about Charlie’s potentially negative feelings toward touch in general, and the emotional space required by the fact that they are both still unsure of what any touch beyond the purely platonic might mean. And here that space is literally brightly illuminated.

Meanwhile Charlie, a veteran of hiding in plain sight, with reactions and instincts hammered into place by physical, social, and emotional abuse, keeps his hands down by his sides. He stops approaching Nick just a split second sooner than Nick stops approaching him. His primary thought here has to be protecting Nick (and himself, but mostly Nick) from the potential speculation of the people around them, followed by continued uncertainty about what Nick’s touch actually means (see: long hug followed by locker room talk), and finally trying to keep himself from falling even harder for a likely (in Charlie’s view) unavailable Nick. Despite all this internal conflict, Charlie is clearly ecstatic to see Nick and doesn’t try to shrug off this very deliberate and affectionate touch. Nick’s hands start out tight, then loosen just a bit before reluctantly sliding off Charlie’s arms. They spend a long moment just smiling blissfully at each other while the light continues to shine between them. It’s right there on their faces, but there’s still too much uncertainty for either of them to fully recognize it.

The camera pulls away to show us Nick and Charlie in the center of the melee, with a still and peaceful space between them and bright light illuminating them. They’ve created safety and calm for each other, no matter what is going on around them.

Next we find Nick and Charlie couching it up in a random hallway discussing, once again, Mario Kart. As on the couch at Charlie’s house, Charlie is squarely in the middle of his half of the couch, a few pillows on one side, while Nick is closer to Charlie’s side of the couch (after all, he's left enough room for Harry to sit down on his other side, unfortunately). His arm is crossed across his chest in a self-soothing and containing gesture, trying to be as close as possible while still maintaining that little bit of space. Charlie actually seems less nervous, leaned back into the couch and loosely holding on to his drink while his face is turned to Nick. He’s thoroughly enjoying Nick’s company and closeness without too much worry.

When Harry approaches, Nick’s face conveys irritation and reluctance, while Charlie immediately starts scanning the group for potential danger, face closed off but eyes alert. When Harry sits down, Nick’s arm lowers next to Charlie, possibly to offer subtle comfort while someone so antagonistic toward Charlie is so physically close to him, possibly to prepare to stand up and get away from Harry if he gets too obnoxious. Either way, Nick is eliminating that space and allowing touch to happen for a caring reason; respect is still there.

The next few scenes are filled to the brim with nonconsensual, uncomfortable, or disrespectful touch.

Nick is clearly annoyed by, if not outright uncomfortable with, Harry’s yoking him and dragging him bodily away from Charlie and toward Tara. Harry’s always been a grabby guy and Nick usually puts up with it good-naturedly, but this is too aggressive even for Nick. He could fight back, of course, and push Harry away, but not without causing a bit of a scene; he looks almost ill by the time he’s finally in front of Tara.

Ben and Charlie collide fairly forcefully in yet another weird, random hallway, this one ominously dark. Ben starts with a disingenuous apology while Charlie backs into a literal corner, clearly signaling that he does not want Ben anywhere near him, much less any kind of touch. He even starts to walk away. But this is Ben, so of course he does the thing he knows will bother Charlie most in that moment and grabs Charlie’s arm. Ben regularly ignores, disrespects, and obliterates the space Charlie puts around himself, but this time, Charlie pushes back, literally and figuratively. While his strength here does him credit and takes him another step toward freedom from Ben, the fact remains that Charlie just experienced a very unpleasant, disrespectful, nonconsensual touch.

Imogen, though less negatively intentioned than Harry and Ben, also subjects Nick to touch he clearly does not want. He’s visibly uncomfortable—not nervous, not shy—but unwilling and reluctant. He tries to disengage kindly ("I can’t dance"; "I need to find a friend.) because he doesn’t want to hurt Imogen’s feelings, but she doesn’t take the hint. Or, if she does, she responds by grabbing even tighter, resulting in this massively distressing moment for Nick. [You have to wonder if Nick feels like his own neck even belongs to him after this party.]

Then, thank goodness, Nick gets to witness consensual, joyful touch between Tara and Darcy. Tara’s nod before their kiss is clear in the shot; obviously they’ve both agreed to this moment, and that agreement is what lends freedom and joy to their public affection. Not only are they bravely declaring their feelings in this intensely crowded setting, but they’re doing it with mutual, reciprocated care and respect for their individual feelings.

So we now have a Nick who has Been. Though. Some. Things. in a very short space of time finally finding his best friend, his person, and settling in—close—to a Charlie who has also Been. Through. Some. Things. and wants nothing more than to be with his best friend again too. The space between them at this point is negligible. Nick once again leaves a good bit of room on his side of the couch in favor of being close to Charlie, their knees are touching, they’re turned in to each other, and neither of them are pulling away or displaying the need for a buffer against judgmental gazes as they did earlier in the evening. They both want comfort, and they want it from the person who they know has a caring understanding of them.

It’s in this safe, mutually (if silently) agreed upon closeness (read: lack of space) that Charlie tells Nick the truth, or at least part of the truth, about how Nick’s friends make him feel; Nick is clearly upset by this, not on his friends’ behalf but on Charlie’s. Nick returns Charlie’s honesty and validates Charlie’s feeling when he admits, out loud for the first time, that he doesn’t like his friends very much and says that he’d rather be with Charlie. This is Nick telling Charlie “I choose you” in a concrete way, even if he doesn’t mean it in a fully romantic way just yet. There’s an expression of hope, almost of expectation, on his face after he says it, hope that Charlie will understand. Charlie, being Charlie, doesn’t seem to entirely believe the depth of meaning behind Nick’s words, and changes the subject to his confrontation with Ben.

If Nick was ever going to cross not only the intentional touch divide but also the platonic-to-more-than-platonic touch divide in a public place, this moment of worry and protectiveness over Charlie facing off with Ben would be it. Nick clearly considers taking Charlie’s hand while Charlie is explaining what happened, but he doesn’t, and refocuses on Charlie’s face and words. Then, when the story is done, there’s a second of hesitation on Nick’s part as he glances at Charlie’s hand a couple of times—he’s extremely aware, especially after the sparkly hand hovering on Charlie’s couch, that this touch means more to him now than just a show of solidarity—but the hesitation is quickly overcome, and Nick commits to his intention. He is genuinely proud of Charlie, vastly relieved that the Ben situation wasn’t worse, perhaps a bit guilty that he wasn’t there to intervene this time, and wants a grounding touch to reassure himself Charlie is okay. Holding Charlie’s hand now is just as much about being his friend—his real, closest friend—as it is about romantic feeling or physical chemistry.

Charlie’s intense gulp, on the other hand, shows us that he really wants this to mean more. He stares down at their hands like he’s having an out of body experience (and for him, after the treatment he received from Ben, this considered and caring touch probably does feel that way). Notably, he does not pull away at all. Charlie has always been intensely aware of how any physical contact between himself and Nick would be perceived, both by Nick himself and by the people around them. The fact that Nick initiated this contact, likely combined with the lingering memory of the doorway hug and Tori’s speculation that Nick is not straight, plus Charlie’s hope outweighing his self-preservation instincts, keeps Charlie happily in what I’ll call the zero-space zone. Nick suggests finding somewhere quieter to hang out, and Charlie, looking again like he can’t believe it, agrees.

Nick keeps hold of Charlie’s hand, pulling him off the couch. This is in direct contrast to the way Harry pulled Nick off the couch earlier; Nick was verbally protesting and physically pulling back a bit, yet Harry still forced the issue, but here, Nick asks and receives Charlie’s agreement before he does anything to move Charlie. Charlie’s surprise increases as Nick maintains the hand hold even when they exit the pseudo-private bubble of the couch and move into the crowd. The zero-space zone is out in the open now. But this is Nick on a mission, fully realizing that he doesn’t want to be part of the melee anymore, that being with Charlie is what he wants; he’s unwilling to let Charlie go, partly because he just doesn’t want to, and partly so they won't be separated again. Nick proposes a race—all the quicker to get away—and lots of flirty running ensues.

Nick sits to catch his breath and Charlie, after a slight hesitation—whether from not being sure, even after the last few minutes, that Nick actually wants Charlie near him, or just to center himself a bit—joins him, but leaves more space than they had had between them on the couch. He needs that bit of space to prepare himself, to feel clear and steadied, for the conversation ahead. Because being truly alone with Nick for the first time in what have been some very confusing days for Charlie makes him simultaneously brave (he has to ask about Tara and get the answer from Nick, rather than secondhand) and frightened (he doesn’t really want to have his worst fears confirmed). He knows he has to get the question out, because not knowing is causing him pain. Again, the physical space between them represents emotional space for Charlie to maneuver.

Nick’s hand is on the floor during this entire conversation, but Charlie keeps his on his knees, possibly to resist temptation, possibly to preemptively protect himself from what he thinks will be more hurt. When he asks about Tara, Nick bodily turns toward Charlie, rushing to emphatically to deny any kind of attraction to her, seeming surprised that Charlie would even ask. Charlie takes a minute to reorient his thoughts around this new, or at least clarified, information, while Nick takes a second to acknowledge why Charlie’s question bothered him so much—both of them navigating their feelings in that shared, respectful space.

Charlie’s next question—so you don’t have a crush on anyone at the moment?—is even more personal (and takes even more bravery for Charlie), but could still possibly be construed as just friendly interest in Nick’s romantic life. It’s a fine line, but Charlie is both asking Nick a forthright question and giving him a little room to get out of answering it in any meaningful way if he’s uncomfortable. But that’s not Nick’s way, so of course he does answer, even if his uncertainty and fear keep him from naming his crush. “Well… I didn’t say that,” and “You’re just going to assume they’re a she.”

Nick is being brave too—each answer he gives is as honest as he can manage in the moment, and followed by a look of intense fear combined with an almost desperate desire for Charlie to read between the lines so Nick doesn’t have to name the thing that is scaring him so much . . . but he’s still answering. Charlie is so strong in this sequence, confronting his own fears, taking care of his own emotional needs, processing each monumental revelation from his best friend, while simultaneously guiding Nick gently through speaking out loud for the first time many of the conflicting emotions that have been wreaking havoc with his life. The emotional intuition and sustained nerve required to do this is frankly astounding.

Charlie asks, “Would you go out with someone who wasn’t a girl?” and even now this could just barely, the tiniest bit, be considered a question asked out of curiosity rather than from a point of personal attraction (after all, just because Charlie’s gay doesn’t mean he’s automatically attracted to Nick). But when Nick offers up the first “maybe,” you see Charlie visibly react. There’s just the slightest pull back of his shoulders as his eyes rove quickly around Nick’s face, assessing both Nick’s statement and his feelings while saying it. Charlie thinks for a moment, then starts to narrow that nurtured space between them. He does it carefully, moving one foot closer to Nick’s and placing his hand on the floor next to, but not touching, Nick’s. This is Charlie acting on his wishes while still giving Nick the room he needs, the time he needs, to think about what comes next, without any pressure or obligation.

Charlie’s next question—“would you kiss someone who wasn’t a girl?”—takes their conversation firmly out of the realm of friendly speculation and into that of romantic interest. It’s clear now what he’s getting at. He watches Nick’s reaction very carefully, probably on some level for signs of disgust because Charlie’s brain is always working against him, but mostly he registers Nick’s fearful excitement. He’s checking in on Nick every single second of this conversation. What Charlie sees propels him to carefully but very intentionally close that space and instigate romantic touch for the first time, understanding that it’s safe for both him and Nick to do so. Still, he keeps the touch absolutely minimal, continuing to watch Nick’s facial expressions, with the utmost care for Nick’s fraught emotions and respect for his right to pull away.

He doesn’t.

And we have Charlie the lionheart, putting it all on the line with one, final question. “Would you kiss me?” The physical space between them has narrowed, their shoulders closer together and pinky fingers touching, and the emotional distance has narrowed as well. Despite the way they both feel like they’re standing on the edge of a cliff, they’re reaching a clearer understanding of each other than they’ve yet had. Nick knows now that Charlie definitely feels attracted to him, and Charlie can see that there’s a chance that at least some of his feelings are reciprocated. There’s no going back from this moment for them, for their friendship, and both boys know it. But they’ve built this space of trust between them, so here they can both be brave. Nick gathers the courage he needs to return Charlie’s touch and twine their fingers together.

Charlie once again looks steadfastly at Nick’s face as he gives an almost imperceptible nod then pushes through his nerves to get out his answering “yeah” (accompanied by a very brief, very Nick Nelson-style frown of determination). Charlie waits . . . and waits, still making sure Nick is okay, before finally leaning in. And even when he does, his eyes stay open, locked on Nick’s eyes, not his lips, still watching even in this charged moment for any sign of discomfort or unwillingness on Nick’s part. It’s only when Nick’s own eyes close that Charlie allows his gaze to relax too. He can be sure, for the moment, that this massively important, life-changing touch, this kiss, is something Nick wants and that it is occurring within their shared space of safety.

They pull back, reinstating some physical space and trying to regain a bit of equilibrium. Charlie sees the panic-adjacent expression on Nick’s face and fears that maybe this went too far, while at the same time still feeling shocked that it happened at all, a bit dazed and overwhelmed. Nick uses this space between them to check in with himself, to make sure that what he felt was true, that he understands himself in this moment, and to decide what he wants to do next. While they figure these things out individually, their hands are still connected, grounding and reassuring—either of them could pull away completely, but they don’t. When Nick looks back over at Charlie, a magical little bit of rainbow reflected on his face, his expression conveys some surprise, some lingering fear and confusion, but also hope. Hope that Charlie is still with him in their shared space, hope that their friendship is still intact, hope that Charlie feels as strongly about this new thing between them, whatever shape it takes, as he does. Charlie looks back at him with trepidation, worry that Nick is going to pull away or put up walls or push Charlie away, but there’s also tentative hope in him as well. He doesn’t act on it, though—he’s still respecting the fact that this is completely uncharted territory for Nick.

But then Nick makes a completely unprompted, voluntary choice and takes Charlie’s hand with obvious intention (and a comforting thumb swipe). Now there is absolutely no room for misunderstanding or dismissing the gesture as anything other than what it is; Nick is giving truth to Charlie’s hopes and easing some of his fears with this touch.

They have once again established that they are still in the same space, still honoring each other’s fears and hopes and respecting each other’s desires. So from that place of assurance, Charlie leans into Nick again. Again, Charlie keeps his eyes on Nick’s for the entire time he’s closing the distance between them (he barely moves until he sees Nick look down at his mouth), doesn’t raise his hand to Nick’s neck until Nick’s desire for touch is clear, and again he doesn’t let his own eyes close until Nick’s do. Charlie’s hand on Nick’s neck is firm, but not restrictive, grounding and affectionate, but not pressuring. Charlie’s extreme and nuanced care for Nick is the exact opposite of how he himself has been treated in the past; he is making absolutely sure that there is nothing he’s doing that might hurt Nick, even in this moment that is just as charged and monumental for him as it is for Nick.

This kiss is much less tentative for both of them, a much clearer expression of their feelings and desires, as Nick also firmly but carefully grips Charlie’s shoulder and pulls him a bit closer, and Charlie hangs on to Nick’s shirt with his other hand. As soon as the kiss ends, they’re studying each other (and of course thinking about more kissing). Nick’s hand on Charlie’s shoulder loosens a bit and Charlie’s hand moves away from Nick’s neck to his shirt collar, giving each other just the tiniest bit of breathing room, but they both still want closeness as they acknowledge what just happened. Charlie sees Nick repeatedly glance back down at his mouth, something that gives him enough confidence for a small smile as he asks Nick if he’s alright. We’ll probably never know what Nick would have said here—there’s a good chance Nick himself didn’t know—but there is just the barest hint of a returning smile hovering at the corner of his mouth.

Until Harry. Harry’s voice reminding them that they aren’t truly alone, reminding Nick of all the ramifications of his attraction to Charlie, reminding Charlie that this is far from settled between them.