#5:25 am .. so much on my mind and at the same time nothing at all..

[rayindamultiverse]

June 1, 2023

[autistichalsin]

Some of my favorite voice lines (either because of the lines themselves or because of Dave's delivery) from this collection of every line Halsin had in the game (and some he technically didn't because they weren't Halsin lines at all, but lines other characters have that they had Dave record for some reason):

5:07 "Fancy a b-oink? Indeed, you'll be hard-pressed to find a joke I haven't."

8:26 "I am Halsin. First Druid of the Emerald Grove. And I am here to VISIT NATURE'S FURY UPON YOU!" (From his revenge scene if the grove is raided- just, brilliant acting, gives me the chills every time. Give Dave an award please)

10:10 "Karlach. I am glad you can enjoy the touch of another once again. And I hope you are afforded much more time than you've been told. A lifetime and more, if I have a say in it."

17:33 "Lae'zel could not have wished for a finer companion by her side. You truly love her, I can tell. Just... keep each other safe, please."

25:05 (Tav or Durge line) "Yeah, she's not coming back."

27:44 "Shadowheart. These truths that have been revealed to you... I know they must be painful. But Oak Father as my witness, I know you are strong enough to bear them. You need not walk this path alone."

34:08 "I am sorry, Gale. You tried. Mystra was wrong to turn on you, no matter what mistakes you made in the past."

35:57 "Time can prove to be a trickster on one's recollections. What would be multiple lifetimes for others now separate me from my captivity. Perhaps I have lost perspective on what happened to me."

39:06 "Re-education. As if this sect has not mangled poor Shadowheart's mind enough already."

41:59 "I need you!"

47:08 (Shadowheart line) "Let's see what comfort we can offer a grieving mother."

47:57 "You have carried this burden for too long already. I simply do not believe that ceremorphosis is the only course left to you! Orpheus must help us." (He is so protective of the player 😭 )

52:03 "We need to be gone from here- now!"

53:10 (Tav/Dark urge line) "In my name." (Amazing acting for that line, makes me wish SO BAD we could have Origin Halsin)

1:04:13 "A mindflayer?! What foul trickery is this?"

1:04:20 "I am no stranger to the Underdark. Cruelty comes to Lolth's followers as naturally as breathing. I have seen it- experienced it." (You can tell he still holds so much grief and anger over what happened to him in the Underdark.)

1:04:32 "Do not yield, Karlach. The world has need for you yet. I have need for you yet. Please." (The way his voice breaks here just wrecks me.)

1:10:13 "Let our enemies' corpses nourish the ground!"

1:13:20 "Gale, what's troubling you? We're nearly at the end, I know it."

1:14:52 (Tav/Dark Urge line) "That's what was in there? Those little shits."

1:21:26 "You have upended nature's balance. Only your death can restore it!" (From the Halsin revenge scene.)

1:24:31 "Last Light fell because you could not control the violence in your heart. All those people perished because of what you did to Isobel. You must try harder. You must be better."

1:24:26 "There must be no more Yennas."

1:25:39 "No, it's wooden. Um. I suppose it burns if you find yourself in dire need of kindling, but I hope it does not come to that." (Referring to his whittled duck)

1:35:12 (Karlach line) "Rest in peace, Astarion. You may have been a bloodthirsty murderer, but I liked you all the same."

1:37:03 "Death is nature's final slumber. It awaits us all. Do not punish yourself over those lost, or give in to despair. Not while there are folks in need of your help."

1:40:57 "Do not yield, Karlach. Stay with us. Stay with the ones who love you." (Just breaks my heart. 😭 )

1:43:28 "You deserve so much better, but alas... I understand. Do as you must."

1:57:27 "You seem to be mumbling to yourself- aren't I enough company for you?" (To Shadowheart)

2:08:57 "GLORY?! There's no glory here! Now there's nothing here. Only shadows, and the total absence of hope!"

2:09:37 "I see. Well. Perhaps not all friendships are destined to be balanced and reciprocal. But I remain eternally grateful for having met you, all the same. Rest well."

2:13:27 "We are. Yet there is a burden to being the survivor, the witness to others' tragedies. It only grows heavier with time."

2:16:26 "You worship Shar?! That umbral witch unleashed a plague of darkness on nature! Her followers slew many of my fellow Druids!" (So much pain and anger here.)

2:20:41 "It wasn't just power this needed! It was wisdom, understanding! I suffered along with this place for years trying to understand the curse! And it seems I will continue to do so."

2:21:46 Maniacal laughter (I can only imagine this happens if you get hit with Tasha's Hideous Laughter, and this one was incredible in that it SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME LMFAO I was so creeped out. HUGE props to Dave Jones for that one.)

2:26:15 (Dark Urge line) "In Bhaal's name."

2:33:13 "Poor creature! Locked in a cage, denied her true nature. Civilization would cause her a monstrosity, yet it treats her like this?!"

2:34:54 "What are you doing?! No!"

2:39:01 "Ah, but the glory can be found in the telling! The children love tales of underdogs, facing odds most unlikely! They shall appreciate your story, trust me."

2:40:20 "The Rite of Thorns? No..."

2:42:09 "I was not here to guide them. Now they rest forever, while I carry the weight of my failings."

2:52:35 "Nature cares little for nobility- it is pure artifice. But I can still hold some respect for Wyll's accomplishment. He shall be a fine duke, I am sure."

2:53:50 "Please. Don't sully the gratitude I feel towards you by making excuses for Kagha. My choice was clear."

2:56:01 (Orin-as-Halsin) "Please, wait. I did not want this. I could not stop it."

3:19:56 "Hmm. Perhaps I can substitute the bloodlust and, well, general lust for cuddles and animals in the retelling. The children will be confused, but no matter- they will soon be asleep."

3:23:38 "I am glad to have Gale back with us. The group would be poorer without his insights- and his company."

3:27:00 "That was no killing blow- far from it. What happened?"

3:27:49 "Silvanus guard us- what have you done?!"

3:29:58 "If this is what you truly want, I shall respect your wishes. But know that you shall not die, not truly. Nature's realm shall be yours- in the air, the trees, the waters."

3:32:27 "Don't do this! Your life!" (When a mind flayer character commits suicide in the ending)

3:34:47 Pained groaning (IDK it just sounded so damn real here, I could just imagine Halsin with a giant gaping wound or something here)

3:38:53 "The machine! It's going to blow!"

3:41:12 "Come on, you useless turnip!"

3:46:43 "You can still save yourself, Karlach. You can return to Avernus- it need not be forever. Just long enough to give yourself a chance..." (His voice sounds so small and pleading here 😭 )

3:48:12 (Dark Urge line) "In Bhaal's name." (Just a really good delivery)

3:48:54 "But... friendship is no consolation trophy. I cherish the bond we have forged. Whether it should grow into something else is... not for me to predict."

3:49:20 "Vampire spawn assailing us in the night? I thought we had ample troubles as it was. At least you are safe, Astarion."

3:51:00 "I was never afforded a chance to start a family of my own- serving nature always had to come first."

3:51:07 "You thought she was an imposter- a threat. This was a trap of Orin's creation. Yenna's death is on her hands, not yours."

3:51:22 "Your rage is most impressive, Karlach. If the lesson is not to provoke your temper, consider it well-learned."

3:59:04 "Ha! I suppose I did, didn't I? I was so focused on helping Thaniel that my sense of decorum was neglected."

4:06:02 "Truly? I thought you felt the same way as me. There was a connection, I-I was sure!" (Oh my god he sounds like he's fucking CRYING here and this legitimately made me whimper out loud and hide my face. I have NEVER needed to hug a character THIS BADLY before oh my god give Dave Jones all of the awards please)

4:17:03 "Oak Father, what did I do to deserve such allies?!"

4:18:03 "This... orb. Gale carries a most dire burden. I wish he had shared it with us sooner."

4:18:58 "Time for blood!" (In bear form)

4:19:31 "Karlach has had her mortality defined to her in most cruel terms. I do not know if we can help her, but perhaps we can at least be there for her."

4:23:19 "FINE!" (He just sounds so done lmfao)

4:23:20 "And yet, she fears there are none to inherit her work, so she goes on. Long life can be a burden at times- I know that well."

4:24:45 "You shall live on. And wherever I go, I shall feel your presence, and you mine." (To Origin Karlach in the ending- this whole scene would be really beautiful if they would just fix a few things)

4:27:55 "Your power is buoyed by a sea of innocent blood! I hope you are pleased."

4:28:26 (Tav/Dark Urge line) "In my name." (Gave me chills)

4:30:59 (Tav/Dark Urge line) "What in the hells, Astarion?! You bit me!"

4:32:39 "Remember, whatever evil is trying to control you, I know you are stronger. Resist."

4:35:08 Pained groaning and cries (They just sounded so real and painful)

4:37:11 "Dominate the brain! Do it now, or all is lost!"

4:47:46 "I will not go on without you!"

4:49:18 "Perhaps try attacking the enemy!" (He sounds so done lmfao)

4:49:25 "That contraption looks set to kill you, not save you! Get clear of it at once!"

4:50:27 "A cruel blow. Astarion loved feeling the caress of the sun, only now it gouges him with its claws. Perhaps we shall meet again, beneath the shield of darkness."

4:53:23 Maniacal laughter (Truly terrifying just like the other one)

4:58:49 (Yenna line [yes really]) "Where am I? I don't like this dream!"

4:59:04 "Nature bows to none. It will fight on and survive, no matter what madness your god has inspired you to undertake."

5:03:51 "Stuck, eh? Straight out of bawdy literature."

5:09:57 "Killing Orin won't bring Yenna back, but it may give her some peace, and me... a great deal of satisfaction."

5:11:26 "No! Have you taken leave of your senses?!"

5:15:27 "This may keep the city safe, but to seal all those unfortunates away forever? Death would have been more merciful."

5:16:44 "Stay your hand, Astarion! To sacrifice so many is a tyrant's ambition!"

5:16:52 "I... cannot imagine how you are feeling, Gale. For a goddess to ask a mortal to pay such a price... I am sorry for... for your burden."

5:19:44 "Immortal... and angered. What have I done...?"

5:20:43 "The power of the bear lies within me!"

5:22:47 "In that case, nothing more needs to be said. Farewell." (Said if a player who has low approval with Halsin at the epilogue party says they have no interest in taking the olive branch Halsin extended; I like this one because he sounds like a strange combination of sad and relieved at the same time, which is such a realistic combination of feelings!)

5:26:14 "Slain and stuffed. I would like to do the same to whoever's handiwork this is." (About a taxidermy baby bear)

5:26:19 "My heart grows heavy for Karlach. She can touch once more, yet is her remaining time to truly be so short? I shall pray to Silvanus that it does not come to pass."

5:32:10 "I... cannot imagine how you are feeling, Gale. For a goddess to ask a mortal to pay such a price... I am sorry for... for your burden. Though I wish you had told us of your predicament before."

5:36:33 (Orin-as-Halsin) "I lost control. I felt the bear take over, blood-crazed. And she forced me into a cage, along with... *sobs* with children, taken from the streets." (I think this one is a slightly different version than what ended up used? The sobbing is definitely more prominent if nothing else.)

5:39:28 "I hoped my friends would save me..." (Dave manages to make Halsin's body sound dead-corpse-emotionless and yet sad at the same time.)

5:39:45 "I hoped my loved would save me..." (Same as above)

5:41:08 "Your gold and your loins. Not for me to dictate what you do with either."

5:41:20 "You were not even born when Shar's followers slew my fellow Druids, or when her shadow curse tainted the land. I can get past those... but I truly wish you had trusted me sooner."

5:52:36 "No matter how long I live, I will never get used to the cruelty that infests our world. That such evil is allowed to breathe the same air as us is an abomination."

5:57:33 (Tav/Durge line) "In my name."

6:02:56 "Of course... somehow I'd hoped for a miracle, but of course... the only miracles are those we make ourselves." (He's talking about Karlach/her engine here)

6:03:57 "I was all too eager to surrender my responsibilities towards the Grove, and now it has been sealed away from the world! Perhaps I was never meant to be Archdruid... to be a leader."

6:08:29 "NO! Cease now, before you doom us all!"

6:09:22 (Dark Urge line) "In Bhaal's name."

6:20:05 "I shall endeavor to be more tactful when trying to make friends in future."

6:22:06 "You are afraid because you are alive, and you have something to lose. Hold onto that."

6:26:58 "You will not desecrate this grove! Not while I draw breath!"

6:33:00 "This need not be a parting, so long as you fight on. You and I can each roam apart, until nature compels our paths to cross once again."

6:41:42 "I shall miss him, though I hope he proves to be a kindly god. I've had my fill of the tyrannical sort."

6:42:29 "Do as you must, as shall I. We shall meet again. It is as sure as the break of dawn, or the spring thaw."

6:44:49 "And I have been evicted from the very place I was charged to safeguard. A telling summary of my time as Archdruid, perhaps."

6:45:47 "Stay with me, my love."

6:50:36 "Do not falter, I am here!"

6:51:15 "Karlach. I am sorry. I shall not try to soothe you with gilded words, but... know that I am here for you."

[akirakirxaa]

UPDATE: I am closing my commissions for the time being, I will be starting my day job next week along with FFXIVWrite being next week. Rest assured that all commissions I currently have will be completed, but until I'm out of training for my day job I don't feel comfortable taking more and ending up with longer wait times. Thank you. <3

Hey everyone. I am really struggling right now. As many of you that have been around know, I made a big move to another state a couple of months ago. I'm so excited to be here, but my husband only just got a new job and I'm still out of a traditional job, and between us we currently have eight dollars to our name until we get paid next month. For full transparency, the most urgent bills are:

Car insurance: $180 Cat food: $25 Dog food: $25

If you would like to donate to help out, my p@ypal is @/LauraWrites without the slash, or if you're not comfortable sending directly through paypal, you can reach out to my Kofi [link], though I do ask if you do to please use paypal there too, as it processes payments much more quickly. The animal food money I need within the next couple of days, and the car insurance needs to be paid by the 17th or my husband won't be able to get to said new job.

However, I'm not here to only beg for money for nothing in return, but to offer some new commission slots for a few different things. So, let's get into it! Beta Reading/Editing:

I do indeed have a degree in writing (particularly journalism but between you and me? Almost the same thing just with some extra media related classes) and I would love to help you with your project! If you'd like me to look over your transcript, my rates are as follows:

Proofreading (grammar only): $15 per 1000 words Content editing (grammar + feedback and editing on content): $40 per 1000 words

Gear Upscales

Frustrated cause your favorite niche piece of gear doesn't match the body you normally use? I can help with that! I can also apply the Chocochomps teeth resource to your head of choice if your favorite hasn't been ported yet publicly. At this time I will only offer upscales on chest pieces as they are both what I have the most experience with and what I've had the most success with. I will also not port anything to the Eve body. Sorry. No IVCS/Skelomae conversions either, as I do not currently know how to do that.

Chestpiece Gear Upscale: $20-$40 depending on the complexity of the piece, contact for more details Chocochomps Application: $10, please have in mind how sharp or dull you want the various teeth. Additional teeth options on the same head will add an extra $5 per teeth set (eg, you got flat teeth but you also want vampire teeth, that would be $15)

Single Pose Gpose:

The classic and my most popular commission choice is back! For ease due to my new variety of commissions possibly taking up more time, I will now require a .chara or a .mcdf file in order to pose your character. If you are console or do not want to run the crime tools, a friend can also grab .chara files for you using a software such as Anamnesis. Please keep in mind that any NPC that didn't appear in DT did not get the new face bones, so facial posing for other NPCs will be limited.

GIF set:

My most popular unofficial option, I am finally codifying making a GIF with your very own characters! Like the single pose, I will require an .mcdf or a .chara file, so please have that ready. Due to the limitations of some tools still being offline, I will be at the mercy of vanilla animations + whatever exists as a working mod.

Single Character, 1 GIF: $20 Single Character, 3 GIFs: $50 Additional Characters: +$10

You can find my commission section on Kofi [here] or you can also message me directly either on Kofi or here on Tumblr. (Or if you're in one of the discords I frequent, you're welcome to send me a discord message.) Due to the subjective nature of upscales you will always have to message me first for that, since I'll have to look at the piece in question to determine the price.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to hear from you soon! <3

[sorastar6]

David Chiem Protagonist AU- Prologue, part 1

I finally finished something that I was working on for a long time! Yay! This AU is basically going to be a series of fanfics that I write. I may or may not actually finish this and do everything I want, but I sure hope I don't lose any motivation. So, um... Enjoy! I hope this is good!

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a loop?

That the more things change, the more they stay the exact same? The thought of that is funny, isn’t it? The world is big and new things happen every time, every day.

“All that you have to do is just find new things and new peop-”

Shut it. Just shut your mouth, it’s rude to interrupt others.

Your choices don’t matter, anything you do just doesn’t matter. If everything is just broken at its core, there’s nothing you can do about it. The days will go by, one by one, and your life will just stay miserable as it is.

…

You don’t believe me? Well then, let me just show you. Just look into my life, you’ll see everything you need. Let’s see if you can keep up with that “hopeful” worldview of yours.

I doubt you don’t know who I am, but I'll introduce myself anyway. My name’s David Chiem. I can see that look you’re giving me, I guess you do know who I am after all.

“But David! Your life is incredible! How can you say all of these things? You’re ungratef-”

Shut it. I’m not done.

You could’ve heard about me in several places, but most likely, it was from the Hope’s Peak Academy graduation ceremony that happened a few months ago. Yup, I graduated from Hope’s Peak, amazing, right?

No it isn’t amazing. Not when your talent is something you despise. I’m the former Ultimate Inspirational Speaker. With everything you’re hearing from me, you’re probably doubting that, right? ‘There’s no way that you are the real David Chiem! You sound so pessimisti-’

Hate to it break it to you, but David’s a liar. I AM a liar. I’m 25 years old, I’ve had my career for 5 years, and guess what? Everything is based on lies! Woah, what a twist! A big celebrity is a big liar and is able to make money off of it? That never happened before!

…

That was sarcasm if you were stupid enough to not notice. Open your eyes, people like me are everywhere in this world. Just spitting what people want to hear. And somehow, they are ignorant enough to fall for it. Such stupidity…

People don’t change. And I’m the living proof of it. I hate my fucking job, I hate having to deal with annoying fans, and to top it all off? I was forced into this by someone else! And yet, I don’t do anything to stop this. Why? Simple, I’m a lazy piece of shit. I don’t even have the courage to make a proper meal, imagine having to deal with countless backlash!

Disappointed? Sowwy, don’t care. I don’t have a noble or tragic reason to do what I do. And I bet all of those other Ultimates are all the same. Everything is the same in this damn world, anyone who can’t see it is just plain stupid. There you have it, thanks for coming to my Tedtalk on why this world is hopeless! You can fuck off now. Hate me all you want, then we’ll have something in common. None of you have a reason to stay by my side anymore, goodby███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

…

Everyone has to pay for their sins one day.

Wake up, David Chiem.

…

That was a strange dream. Even if it was just a dream, it still felt… Odd. It’s not a bad feeling, but it’s not good either. I can’t quite describe it, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Everything from that dream is already escaping my mind, so why bother?

How much time am I going to stay laid down here? I need to get up, I probably have something to do. But my head is killing me, so I want to stay in bed for a few more minutes. Wait, bed? This… Doesn’t feel like my bed. It’s more… Soft? But it still doesn’t feel comfortable like my bed. Maybe I prefer not what’s better, but what’s familiar?

There it goes again, my mind just thinking about random stuff that doesn't matter. I should just get up, but finding the energy to simply open my eyes feels like it will kill me. How pathetic. After some time, I opened them.

I tried adjusting my vision to the lighting of the room. It was dark, very dark. And yet, I could tell that this wasn’t my room.

“Sigh… What did I get myself into this time?”

I sat up on this bed, stretching my limbs until I could hear that satisfying crack. I passed a hand through myself to see the state that I’m in.

No injuries, no blood, but still a mess.

I wasn’t about to tidy myself up. There is a much bigger issue at my hands.

I was just barely able to stand up, my body getting the desire to succumb to this tiredness. But I pressed on to the door. I placed my hand on the knob, looking back at the dark room behind me. Maybe staying here and resting would be a good idea, but that also could lead to me getting chained to a wall. Fuck, second guessing, I hate it.

I just looked straight into the door, knowing very well that if I just glanced at that bed, I would just throw myself in it. So, I took a deep breath.

…

And I opened the door.

And I was immediately pushed down to the ground.

“Ow! What the-”

I couldn’t even finish my sentence before my gaze met a familiar pair of sharp red eyes. Eyes that… looked like it belonged to a cat.

“… D-david?”

“… Nico…?”

[arrenlebanen777]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS 111

"everything can be transcended" ✨Sun Scorpio in 5th house: is very dramatic, intense, all or nothing, usually when they where kids they likes to listen metal or very intense music like "gojira" or emo like "placebo", high libido, they love making dark and mysterious art like movie scores, dramatic acting, techno, art that involves chaos, eroticism or s*xuality too. ✨Chiron in our natal chart can be treated a lot and that's when it becomes a healer, but if it's not treated it's just pain. ✨Sun scorpio in Aries degrees(1, 13, 25):  not the mysterious type of scorpio, but rather raw, blunt, and feisty (sometimes quite impatient). ✨Sun square NN: Problems with ego and soul, It is recommended to do spiritual practices here that allow to tame (dominate/transcend) the ego, because the ego here can play a rather hindering role in the evolution of the individual because doesn't want to disappear: fear of letting go, attachment, immature rebelliousness. ✨Pluto conjunct Chiron generation(s): have problems with real self love, because they try to love themselves first without knowing themselves, which generates quite arrogant, immature, lack of integrity and demanding people/personalities (crystal generation). ✨Mars square Moon: explosive anger(like bakugo's type), very fiery, hot, extremely passionate, mood swings, they have to learn to channel that strong energy by doing something physical like running, yoga, exercise, swimming, martial arts, and at the same time connect them with their emotions otherwise that energy can go to extremes such as violence, anguish or overindulgence. ✨Mars opposite Part of Fortune: Gives Mars in Aries type of behavior. +18 ✨Mars aspecting Saturn: Here I am going to share something intimate and an easter egg(for men): I know that this position could indicate small d*ck, but there are so many natural ways/exercises to make it grow bigger that if you do them in a saturnian way (this means with discipline, effort, persistence and persevering) you will be "rewarded" For example in my case(mars trine saturn): A few years ago I had it 5 inches and now I have it almost 8 inches. So everything is possible. ✨Mars in Taurus or Taurus degrees(2, 14, 26): could suffer from premature ejaculation(P.E). They might overload any of their 5 senses during s*x just to increase s*nsual pl*asure... Since 5 senses here are so strong, they have to learn to manage/channel their s*xual energy throughout their whole body, mind and spirit so that the energy is not only concentrated in the g*nital area, which is what causes premature ej*culation. If they do this, they can become very good in bed and even last a long time satisfying each of the 5 senses of their partner and of him at the same time in the encounter. ✨Mars in Aries or Aries degrees(1, 13, 25): Something similar happens with Mars in Taurus but instead here the problem is quickness and selfishness, which could cause s*x to be short and fast, although they are very hot and intense so here the time does not matter but the intensity of the encounter is what satisfies them. Here they are like the partner who likes rough s*x, quickies and if they set their minds to it, they can last a long time since they have a lot of energy/stamina. ✨Mars in leo but in cancer degrees(4, 16, 28): have mommy issues, is very k*nky, childish, they are quite comfortable to be around since they have a dominating aura but in a very maternal way, its like very protective energy, they could be very lazy, they have a lot of drive but they will start only if they feel like it(cancer influence), much of his drive goes to things that give him comfort and nurture him. ✨I have seen that much of what our mars and venus desire s*xually it is very superficial since they make up our personality and ego. And if you want to see what it is that you s*xually desire most deeply, look at your 8th house, even if it is empty, that can say a lot too. Since the 8th house represents our hidden side, it also represents our intimacy at soul level (that's the deep side of scorpio) like all water houses. So in the periods of life where you follow the s*xual desires of your Mars and Venus and you feel empty, remember that they will only fill your ego/persona which always leaves a feeling of emptiness inside that unconsciously makes you go for more, because the ego can never be filled. If you really want to have your s*xual life on another level, in a higher vibration, more spiritual, more transcendental, more healing, more nutritious and full, look at your water houses (4th house, 8th house, and 12th house) or where you have Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces in your chart since s*xuality(sacral chakra) is the water element of our human bodies.

[lunarriviera]

another thrilling spirealm update

henlo my friends yes it's that time once again where i tell you what is happening on the bizarrely named drama "the spirealm," i am at episode 25 having shotgunned it all weekend and i have thoughts, opinions, and a gabillion screencaps of ruan nanzhu looking stricken, i finally had to stop taking them because he has the exact same face of devastated yearning in all of them and i was filling up my cloud drive. spoilers ahoy! [parts one and two are here if you even care]

as just mentioned, ruan nanzhu spends his time looking either 1) icily indifferent (when people who aren't qiushi are talking to him and/or dying in front of him, to his vast annoyance) or 2) torn asunder by pangs of desire (whenever he's staring at qiushi, who's babbling obliviously about science or clues or absolutely nothing of any importance whatsoever). here is a representative screencap but he has this look on his face pretty much continually, like he's just been hit by a car. a car of love.

it makes me put my head in my hands and scream quietly, i haven't seen a BL actor who understood the assignment this well since zhang xincheng or maybe even z1l. (who all clearly not only read the novel but underlined it, highlighted it, and stuck in colored post-it notes.) when not busy with adoration, he swans around being magnificent in a frockcoat like he's edward rochester, while lin qiushi trails behind him wearing a fit he got out of the goodwill box in his college dorm.

in spite of being besties with a literal fashion icon, at no point does it ever seem to occur to lingling "hm maybe i should dress a bit more formally for my imminent demise inside the doors"—no, instead he proudly wears his ratty sweatshirt with holes in it. which i sort of think might belong to huang junjie. idk maybe qiushi trusts it, and feels safe in it, hey look at that i made it sad.

massive power couple energy. also notice how their outfits are exact black-and-white negatives of each other, the harper's bazaar wedding photoshoot would have been so goddamn lit.

taking a brief moment for a shoutout to this guy. chen fei i don't even know what your fate will be but i already know you deserved better. not only do you patch everyone up with your veterinary knowledge, but i have seen your unrequited love. it did not go unobserved. you would have been a great partner, you're unimpressed by everything and drink your soy milk with chilling apathy. i'm real sorry the theatre gay didn't love you back. you're too similar i guess.

back to lin qiushi who has the worst case of main character energy since harry freaking potter. somehow the game is about him??? he has trauma??? none of this was in the novel and i'm just pretending it's not happening until it becomes impossible to ignore. in the meantime he continues to sympathize with door ghosts because he's just that nice of a guy. (EXCEPTION: nanzhu literally murdered two competitors bc they threatened his darling, and lin qiushi helped him cover it up. i was appalled for like 5 minutes then i shrugged. it's a cutthroat game, the doors change people. also it's like captain mal used to say: if someone tries to kill you, you kill 'em right back.) i have big Theories about what is fixing to happen but for now i will end by relating that lin qiushi has gone into a door alone, because he wants to butch up and be a better partner for ruan nanzhu. and that would be a great idea and super helpful except that nanzhu IMMEDIATELY WENT OUT OF HIS MIND WITH BLIND TERROR. outwardly of course he gives no signs of this (other than hiring someone to protect his fragile boyfriend, which, if lingling figures this out, ruan nanzhu will be sleeping on the sofa forever).

here he is pushing food around his plate miserably at lingling's funeral pre-solo-door party. everyone is having such a fun time.

and here he is standing in front of the door waiting like a dumb wounded animal. i have a feeling if lin qiushi doesn't emerge at 15 minutes on the dot, nanzhu will simply expire on the spot, like a wolf separated from its mate. maybe that's the end of the spirealm JUST KIDDING, we still haven't gotten to the part where they're on either side of a different door wailing at each other. i really need lin qiushi to stop being such a cheery equanimous little frat boy and START SUFFERING, can we get some mutual pining up in this bitch. (also i need his hair to change in the traditional BL post-wedding hairstyle alteration because i can't remember at this point if huang junjie even HAS a forehead under that vast curtain of bangs)

to sum up, we've had a) sexy handfeeding of lychees b) tender cat fur removal from face and c) stalking your pretty boyfriend aggressively against the wall so you can…offer him a packet of disinfectant. in the novel of course nanzhu bites him and yes xia zhiguang absolutely knows that's what he's supposed to be doing here, we love to see it.

oh and also d) "i'll protect you. i'll protect you forever."

SOON: THE THRILLING CONCLUSION. IT'LL BE SO FUCKING SAD. PS unrelated to any of this but the OST SLAPS and i sing along every time now, that opening song is an unskippable cut scene of a banger

PS gonna be sad when [redacted] dies, he's a real card. and that other person dies too. and that third person. shit it's about to get messy

[itsgrimeytime]

Home is Where the Heart is (Part Seven) || Farmer!Rick Grimes (TWD) x Teacher!GN!reader AU

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

Taglist: @1tsk1tty

rick grimes taglist: @golden-hoax @mgparker

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Inspiration: Like Real People Do by Hozier and Begin Again by Taylor Swift.

Summary: Your life was spinning out of control, you knew that. After a string of particularly shattering events, you decided it was time to start anew. With a little help from one of your Grandma's rentals, you found yourself in the small town of Alexandria. The last thing you expected was your neighbor, Rick Grimes.

TWs: a little angsty (but Rick is there to fix it), crying, infidelity, broken engagement, thunderstorms, and heartbreak.

[[A/N: You finally tell Rick your story. Get my hurt/comfort girlies in here!!! Because you are about to EAT. Enjoy :))]]

You blinked, the dark of the night peeking through your windows and the pounding of the rain on your roof filling your ears.

Flashing to your phone, your eyes flickered over the time -'3:25 AM'.

You groaned, rolling over into the other side of your bed -comforter moving with you. You tried to close your eyes again, picture something beautiful, something nice and calm-

A loud crack of thunder echoed through the night.

"Jesus Christ," you muttered -moving back over to the other side, maybe it was bad luck.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to wordlessly situate your body -everything still felt uncomfortable. You were trying though, desperately. It wasn't like you had any plans the next day, you just... you wanted to sleep. Needed to sleep.

It had been a rough day, and all you could think about was-

"I need the ring back," he said, nothing even faltering over his face -no pity, regret, nothing.

How could he show up after a year of nothing?

Your eyes shot open, breath heavy in your chest -god. You hadn't thought about that in so long, you thought you were-

"There's someone else, always has been."

Your stomach turned, and your eyes got foggy -you swallowed, dryly. This wasn't fair, you were so far away -you were starting over. He doesn't deserve to haunt you like this.

You wasted three years on him, and he took one second to ruin it all. You were supposed to get married-

With a sob racking up your throat, you finally caved -throwing back the blanket. Blinking up at your ceiling, you tried so desperately to stop the tears -he didn't deserve to make you cry anymore.

You thought you were doing so much better.

The sob squeaked out of your lips before you could hold it back, arms reaching out to hold against yourself -squeezing. Your heart, even though it was distant, shattered in your chest; you could feel what you felt then -the exact same.

Blearily through tears, you grabbed your phone -breaths hollowing out your lungs and mind running so wild. Good god, why did it hurt so bad?

Your finger dashed through your conversations, hovering over the contact. Grandma 💞. Something in your froze solid, she'd always been so wrapped up in this, it wasn't fair-

You set your phone back down, sitting properly on the side of the bed -putting your elbows on your knees, and covering your eyes with your hands. Breaths rattled out of you, but they weren't getting any slower; the sobs had stopped, but the tears kept going. It took you a few minutes there to realize this wasn't going to go alone.

Wiping at your eyes, you let out a big breath -eyes moving to the window. The sky was getting that kind of bright it did in the early mornings, and through the rain splashing against your window, you could see the blue shingles of-

You paused. Rick.

"If you ever... need anythin', I'm just a door down. Anythin'."

"I'll make time for ya, you're more important than that other stuff anyway, darlin'."

You were sliding your shoes on before you could even second guess it.

It was like you were on autopilot, you felt the rain -heavy on your clothes. You knew it was cold -goosebumps rattling across your skin, but you couldn't feel it.

And all you could hear was the pounding of your heart in your ears, and the boom of the thunder -you weren't sure which one made your hands shake. Your lip was trembling and your breath catching in your throat -you blearily stepped toward his house.

The puddles sloshed around you, soaking through your shoes but your mind wasn't thinking of that. Just the quiet timber of his voice, the twinkle in his smile, the all-encompassing woodsy smell he seemed to carry around, and his eyes -so blue.

All you could think was that you wanted him, needed him. You weren't exactly sure why, but it felt like you were broken into pieces and he was the only thing that could fix it.

By the time you reached shelter under his porch though, you were soaked -tears washing down your face just as consistent as the rain was moments before. Your hands were shaking and your chest was heavy, your hand felt so far away.

With a breath, your knuckles brushed onto the door -a quiet knock, but one all the same.

You took a deep breath in and had a moment where you realized just what you were doing. Guilt twisted into your gut, as your head swirled, showing up at his house at 3 am was not what he meant.

But your feet wouldn't move, you tried so hard to turn yourself back into the rain -maybe it would help if you stayed out there a little more. Bring you down to earth, make your mind clearer.

You won't put this on him, you reprimanded yourself, he doesn't deserve it. You should just go home and-

"Do ya 'ave any idea what ti-"

His voice was cut short, blue eyes settling on you -detailing over your soaked clothes and the redness you knew to be under your eyes. He hesitated only a little.

"Is everythin' okay, darlin'?"

Something in you snapped, tears falling faster and breaths puffing out of your chest -the tiniest whimper echoing through your lips.

Rick rushed forward at the noise, stepping out of his house without a second thought -hands gently holding your face, keeping your eyes locked on him, "Hey, hey, sweetheart, it's okay, I've gotcha. You're safe-"

You didn't say anything, sniffling a little pathetically -but something in you calmed ever so slightly. His eyes trained on you and the warmth of his hands, you felt safe.

"-c'mon, let's get ya inside."

His hands moved quickly, wrapping around your hand and pulling you inside without hesitation. Another sob riled up through your throat, and Rick turned to the noise without another thought.

"Breathe, baby, you're alright," he hummed -taking your hands and placing them on his chest, "-follow my lead."

Your mind halted, watching the up and down of his chest -mindlessly you acknowledged the stain your hands were leaving on his shirt and the dripping water staining his floor.

"Good, you're doing real good, darlin'," he praised, blue eyes watching you with something so gentle you couldn't quite name.

When he finally seemed satisfied with your breathing, he brought you to a chair in the hallway -letting your hands leave his chest, "Stay 'ere, alright? I'll be right back with some fresh clothes and a towel."

You nodded your head, words couldn't make their way up your throat. The house felt so warm and welcome, you felt better just by sitting there. Your eyes just lingered on a family photo on the wall, Rick's big smile.

Before you could blink, he was back -towel and clothes in hand. With a thought, he placed the stack beside you -getting on his knees, and fidgeting with your laces. Gently, as if you were made of fragile china, he pulled them off -putting them close to the door, where you saw a few other pairs lined up.

"We'll dry 'em later," he spoke, absent-mindedly, almost to himself.

"C'mon," he held out his hand, the other holding the towel clothes to his chest, "-let's getcha changed. 'At okay, sweetheart?"

"Yeah," you whispered, roughly, accepting his hand as he led you to the bathroom.

"Dry yourself off, change," he spoke, leading you into the room for privacy -blue eyes carefully skating across your face, "-I'll be right 'ere, waitin', okay? I'm not leavin' ya."

Something in your chest stung, he won't leave you.

You pulled the door shut, quietly getting undressed -clothes falling to the floor with a plop, soaked. And dabbing yourself with the towel, it wasn't going to all go away but you tried. Finally, you pulled on the dry clothes -your nose was overwhelmed with just... Rick, and you distantly realized they must be his.

Without thinking, you chanced a look in the mirror. Your eyes were puffy and red, tear streaks clear on your face -your fingers rushing up to rub at them, wipe them away. His shirt was big, sleeves going down farther than intended and hanging a little further than your hips; the pants were the same, you used the string to tie them tight against your waist.

A pair of socks fell to the floor. You smiled a little picking up the bundle and putting them on -he'd even got you socks?

Quickly, toweling off your face and hair, you let out a big sigh and roamed back to the door.

Just like he said, Rick was leaning against the table -pajamas still wet from your hands, and hair mussed from sleep. He seemed a little distracted then, worry furrowing his brow, but then he saw you.

His eyes flickered something bright, trailing over the clothes for a moment too long -like he was appreciating the sight, "There ya are."

He seemed to see you were more relaxed then, but even still, he approached you slowly, and cautiously. Experimentally stepping closer, he waited for a reaction -consent. The idea of him handling you so gently made you want to cry for an entirely different reason.

So, without a word, you stepped forward and wrapped your arms around his neck -digging your face into it. The scruff there buzzed along your skin, but you didn't mind -you just wanted him everywhere, and it felt like it was here. It felt safe.

Slowly, his hands gathered around your waist -hands warm and pressed into your skin like he wanted you to know he was there. With a slow movement, he turned his head and pressed a kiss to your temple -carefully.

Your eyes teared up, when was the last time you'd been held like this?

"I'm sorry," you whispered into his skin.

Rick seemed to take a moment, before carefully pulling you back to face him, calloused fingertips trailing your jaw -tilting you to look at him, "'S no reason to be sorry, sweetheart."

"I woke you up at 3 am because-" you started, but your voice stopped suddenly in your throat.

He looked at you, concern filtering through his gaze and eyebrows furrowing, "Let's go sit down. We can talk if ya want to, ya don't 'ave to say anythin' though."

That's how you ended up here, on his couch -curled into his side with his arm wrapped around you, and hand absent-mindedly tracing circles into your back.

The patter of the rain against the windows made your head go a little fuzzy, and being this close to him didn't exactly help either. All you could smell was the slight scent of rain and just Rick, and with your head pressed into his neck and shoulder, you could feel the heat thrum under his skin.

Every few moments you could feel him glance at you, but your eyes stayed focused on the rain against the windows.

Your mouth opened before you could really think about it.

"I had a fiancé."

The boom of thunder outside broke up the silence for a moment, Rick only listening quietly. You knew he was because his hand moved to your shoulder -squeezing it once solidly and then going back to circles.

"Back in the city," you clarified, moving a hand to fidget with the shirt you were wearing, "-he... We were together for three years."

Silently, his free hand pulled yours away from the shirt -lazily pulling it onto his lap, and interlocking your fingers. He squeezed it once.

There was a breath.

You could feel the words brush into the air, "What happened?"

You bit your lip, gnawing into it for a second, "He disappeared for a year. Wouldn't return my calls, and left all of his stuff."

Rick stayed quiet -patiently.

"We had friends that he talked to, so I... I knew he was alive," you breathed out -taking your interlocked hands and separating them, just so you could run your fingers over the creases in his palm, "-but I didn't see him until a few months before I... before I came here."

He let out a breath, squeezing your shoulder again.

"It was over, I already knew that I just didn't know why-" your voice cracked a little, and Rick turned his head to kiss the top of yours without hesitation, "-He showed up and asked me for the ring back."

You leaned further into him, and he neatly adjusted -fingertips pressed into the skin of your shoulder.

"Told me..." you started, eyes getting a little watery and tone a little wet, "-Told me there was someone else, that he- That he had been cheating on me the whole time, and he needed the ring to... to propose to her."

Rick tensed up for a moment, jaw tightening.

"I took all his stuff to my Grandma's, so he could get it from there, and she-" you mindlessly traced a line in his palm, "-she told me to come here, that she'd take care of everything. Told me about the job and the house she rents out and I..."

You fell silent a moment.

"Never looked back," you continued, "-and I just couldn't get that day out of my head, when he... when he needed the ring."

He hummed, fingers rubbing against your shoulder rhythmically. Back and forth like a ticking clock.

"I just... I kept wondering what I did wrong," you faltered, "-if I was... unlovable or something, or if he'd ever even loved me at all-"

"You didn't do anythin' wrong," he interrupted, it rumbled low in his chest -still slightly sleep-slurred but with conviction.

"How do you-"

"I know," he hummed, voice gruff but still so soft, "-If it's anyone's fault, baby, it's his."

Your heart picked up on the 'baby' this time, something in your mind clear enough to know he had said it now. And he meant it. You wondered briefly if he could hear it in your chest, or feel it.

"He took advantage of ya," he hummed -something tight in his tone, "-and whatever reason he did it for is bullshit."

He was mad, you could tell. Something in you felt so warm at him being mad for you, mad that someone had hurt you.

"Yeah?" You asked -small and barely there.

"'Course, sweetheart," he relented, soft and smooth, "-you didn't deserve any of 'at. No one does, but 'specially not you."

"I know," you said, quieter.

"Good," he responded, voice a little spent, "-dick didn't deserve ya anyway."

You laughed a little, fingers still pressed into his palm, and you could feel his chuckle vibrate through his chest. He pulled his hand away from your fingers to grab your other one, properly holding your hand this time. You felt his head tilt down to look at it, thumb rubbing the back of your hand.

"I wanna talk in the mornin' but," he started, voice low, "-I just want ya to know I'm not lettin' 'at happen to you again."

"How are you gonna-"

"I wanna," he continued, slow and steady, "-I wanna try somethin' with you. And I don't want ya to answer now, I'm not expectin' ya to," his thumb kept rubbing into your skin -gentle swirls, "-but if we did. I'd never let 'at happen to ya again. Ever."

You pursed your lips together into a line, you didn't know what to say -your heart squeezed in your chest. This... this, with him, didn't hurt.

But it could one day, you thought distantly.

You shook it away, focusing on the motion of his chest; he didn't want you to answer now anyway.

"You wanna sleep?" He offered, voice a barely there whisper.

"Here?"

"'M not moving," he mumbled, voice just a touch more slurred, "-too comfortable."

You smiled a little, as he leaned into you slightly, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and making sure plenty rested on you, before moving to himself.

"Think on it, okay?" He hummed, fingers still tracing shapes on your back, "-'Ere's no rush, I'll wait as long as ya need me to."

You breathed out, situating yourself into his side as you fit perfectly -his arm tightened around you. Holding you in place, and all at once protecting you -from what you weren't sure, but it didn't matter.

Closing your eyes, with the rain pattering outside and Rick tight into your side (his breaths lulling you to sleep), your mind settled.

You already knew your answer.

[welikeimagines-andfandoms]

100 Random Prompts

1. “I fucking hate you, but I don’t hate fucking you”

2. "I get so hard when I'm around you. I've tried fucking other people and pumping my cock every night and yet my body craves you."

3. “How did you manage to hurt your hand this badly?” “Well I’ve never punched someone before, I didn’t realise how hard peoples faces are.”

4. “I love you and I hate you all at the same time.”

5. “Yeah, sometimes I get sad, but then I look into your beautiful eyes and it’s all better.”

6. “You like when I call you ‘princess’? Will you be my good little princess?”

7. “If you do this, I’ll show you my boobs”

8. “Has the fire revealed any secrets in the 15 straight minutes you’ve been staring at it?”

9. “Please don’t leave.”

10. “I’m here, it’s okay, no one will ever hurt you like that ever again”

11. “Guess we’re the only two idiots in the whole city stupid enough to go to a museum in the middle of a thunderstorm”

12. “You deserve to be looked after.”

13. “Give me a kiss, and everything will be alright.”

14. “I just want to die”

15. “We’ve got to hide!”

16. “Scream my name so everyone knows who fucks you this good”

17. "I'm sorry." "You have nothing to apologise for, darling.”

18. “Bend over, slut”

19. “Ned i postog a nin, ni bant” (When you lie beside me, I am complete)

20. *gets insulted* “aawww thank you.”

21. “Le i velethril nîn” (You are my love)

22. “A warrior out there, but in here, in this bedroom, you’re nothing but a little weak whore.”

23. “I just feel so drained.”

24. “What happened to you to make you so wise?”

25. “If I’m being mean to someone, I’m probably flirting.” “Is that why you’re always mean to (character)?”

26. “Thiol vae” (You look good)

27. “I just did it to make you jealous.”

28. “Stay nice and still for me, baby, just like that. Let me take care of you.”

29. “You know you sure do have a lot of teeth for someone so stupid.”

30. “They do realise I can understand what they’re saying, right?”

31. “Would you like to dance with me?” “only if you don’t get upset if I accidentally step on your foot”

32. “Fuck, I need you so bad!”

33. “I think it’s best I leave”

34. “I’ll never forget you.”

35. “How clever of an insult, and how quickly you thought of it. Very surprising for someone so dim witted.”

36. “I’m not afraid. Please touch me.”

37. “Of course you can stay.”

38. “I wish you well.”

39. “Come down here so I can kiss you!”

40. “Fuck, turn around for me, princess.”

41. “No gûn annin” (Bend over for me)

42. “You look so lovely on your knees, sweet boy.”

43. “You’re so pretty”

44. “What’s that?” “Trinket, I like trinkets”

45. “You deserve nice things”

46. “Our sweet girls pussy is so tight!"

47. “Take your shirt off!” “Why?!” “Distract them from the pain!”

48. “Darling I’m (hundreds/thousands) of years old, that isn’t vintage/old to me.”

49. “I’m doing this because I want to and not because you told me to”

50. “You belong here, in my arms, forever.”

51. “You lied to me”

52. “Borrow my jacket, keep it nice and warm for me”

53. “You look so divine when you dance.”

54. “You look lovely, Y/N.” “Please don’t lie or pity me so.”

55. “Le vaethor veleg” (You are a mighty warrior)

56. “Ni am gin anin lû hen?” (Can I be on top this time?)

57. “Stop fucking swearing”

58. “aran vuin” (Beloved king)

59. “I hope you don’t mind.”

60. "Those for me, sweet girl?" "Oh! It was gonna be a surprise but yes, yes they are."

61. “I love when you wear a skirt/dress, it’s so much easier to fuck you like this.”

62. “Life doesn’t feel so bad when I’m with you.”

63. “You don’t know a thing about me!”

64. “I failed them! They died and I failed them! It’s all my fault!”

65. “You’re such a little thing, and we can have you anyway we please.”

66. “Trust me, Y/N! (Character) likes you!” “Don’t lie to me!”

67. “Baby, tits arent supposed to be perky and perfect. They’re supposed to be soft and natural and beautiful like yours”

68. “I’m not your servant, I’m not your slave, but you could be mine if you like.”

69. “I know we don’t know each other very well but I’m really sick and I need you to pick me up from work, please.”

70. “It’s alright, my love, don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out together.”

71. “No, stay. You’re warm and soft”

72. “Trust me, I adore you.”

73. “Avo dharo!” (Don't stop!)

74. “You know I could kill you if I wanted to.” “Do it then, I really don’t care.”

75. “I might be little but I can still kick your ass”

76. “I just don’t know if I can do this anymore”

77. “Of course I will serve you, my prince/princess/king/queen/lord/lady.”

78. “You wouldn’t know anything about this (character), but it’s exhausting being this gorgeous, and I need a lot of sleep.”

79. “Its real cold tonight. You wanna come over and keep me nice and warm?”

80. “That sounded dirtier than I intended”

81. “You don’t have to be alright, you know”

82. “How can I love myself, when I’m so draining to everyone?”

83. “Please! I’ve been such a good boy/girl!”

84. “You just want to be used so fucking badly don’t you, sweet thing?”

85. “Please! I was a fool and I can not apologise enough! Please y/n…. Please….”

86. “Do you need a hug?”

87. “Come on, princess, hop on my back”

88. “What you makin’?” “Chocolate cake. You wanna help?”

89. “Don’t leave. Please?”

90. “Why do you always annoy me so much?” “Coz you’re sexy when you’re angry.”

91. “That’s better, isn’t it? You just needed to be filled with my cock”

92. “That’s the cutest sneeze I’ve ever heard.”

93. “Istog an challas perian maer” (You do know what hobbits are the right height for)

94. “Oh fuck, sweetheart”

95. “I’ll punch you in your stupid face!”

96. “Tonight I will be the powerful warrior, and you will be the tiny mortal beneath me. You will worship and praise me like the goddess I am.”

97. “Aaaaww! Aren’t you sweet!”

98. “Hey” “*flirting* Oh, heeeyy” “No! Absolutely not!”

99. “You don’t scare me.” “Yeh, but I bet I turn you on.”

100. “Are you going by to be good for me?” “Ye-yes.” “Good girl. If you do behave I’ll give you a reward.”

[gffa]

for the character ask game! dick grayson: 5, 16, 25

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them? Lmao please don't ask me this question, because I have zero musical taste--and I don't mean I have bad musical taste, I mean I have no taste whatsoever, I barely listen to music, and I have no funny suggestions! (Mostly because I don't care for most of the ~jokes~ about his physical body.) 16. What's your least favorite ship for this character? Fandom has made it extremely hard to like a lot of other Dick ships because literally half the fandom can't stop tearing down Dick/Babs to build up their ship, which means there's nothing there for me to like, all it does is make me think there's not much there, if the only content to come up with is ranting about another ship. Nobody's obligated to like Dick/Babs, nobody's even obligated to not rant about it, I know where my scroll button is, but also all it does is push me further away from the ship that was supposedly being sold in that post, because it seems like an unfun place to be. But my actual least favorite ship for Dick is probably Bruce/Dick because it's so close to what I want out of that relationship, except also a thousand miles away from it! Honestly, one of my oldest friends is a Bruce/Dick shipper and the overlap we have of views on the characters is probably like 85%, we just diverge on how that plays out and we both feel extremely strongly about how we dislike the other path, but that we respect the other person being on it. We both are really into the fucked up entanglement of the characters, the mirroring aspect they have of each other, the belief that the other is the pure version of who they're meant to be, the frustration of how much they love the other while also being mad at them for the distance between them, the co-dependent disaster relationship, etc. All of that is the same for both of us, we just diverge on the context for it. Which is fine in our friendship, we meet in the middle, but there have been times when I feel like the ship would be so delicious for me, because it would tunnel vision in on those aspects I like, but the thought of them so much as even smooching makes me look like I bit into a lemon. How dare fandom almost give me what I want and then take it away from me!!!! Like, I don't actually care that it exists as a ship, fiction is not in a 1:1 relationship with reality and I think a lot of us get blinded by how modern comics go hard on the father & son aspect, which I am into and think is fair to evolve them into, but that wasn't always true and it's not like Bruce/Dick came out of nowhere. It just denies me personally what I want and therefore it it is The Worst For Me Personally And Thus Jail For DC Fandom For One Thousand Years!!!! 25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now? Dick Grayson is my longest running Blorbo, like that guy invented Blorboism for me, before I ever had such a name for the concept. Dick Grayson has been my One True Character for 20+ years, nobody has ever unseated him, not Anakin, not Obi-Wan, not Thor, not Usagi, not Duo, not Tezuka, NONE OF THEM that I've lost my mind about. Dick Grayson came on the scene for me when I first watched B:TAS and hit my tiny little baby brain with his daddy issues on display and excellent Nightwing design in later episodes and the push-and-pull relationship with Babs and my fannish life has never been the same since. "That it. That's him. That's the one. That's the character I'm going to obsess over for the rest of my life." I must have said when I first saw him and I HAVE NOT BEEN PROVEN WRONG YET.

[verdemoun]

The gang would go batshit over decorations in modern times, i think. Plants. Charles probably has a lot of indoor plants. Somehow he keeps them alive. The house is 70% kitchen 25% plants and the 5% is other stuff (aka Not Relevant).

I'm not sure what they're called in English, but those little gel fuckers you can stick to a window? Yeah that. I'm looking at them as I'm typing this shit. The first person to get them in shape of bloody handprints (again, what I'm looking at, I'm absolutely projecting) is sentenced to death aka a rant from Bessie.

PAINTING OH GOD. Let's be honest, those interested in building/house renovation are divided into two groups. Technical stuff, aka Charles for example, and decorating. They tried to paint on furniture at least once. And it's pretty!! Hey, carving into wood isn't the only option anymore, furniture can be colorful! Those girls on social media that paint furniture and it's funky but also rly pretty??? Yeah that's happening. *glances at mr morgan*

Same for wall decorating. You mentioned Lenny's uhhh right okay i forgot what it was called in the middle of typing. I am. drunk actually. sorry lol. But that wall where he's gonna figure out who appears next? Yeah that was the start. Then came notes for his studies. Someone saw that and had a wait you can do that??? moment. Posters appear soon enough. Abigail wishes she could have double sided tape in Beecher's Hope. Jack's old drawings would be up on the wall, much to his embarrassment. Luckily for him, nothing survived.

I'm so normal abt this au okay

Took a week to reply because this is just a yes and post absolutely 100% nailed it you get it. A+ gold star sticker like lost my mind multiple times over this. Welcome to the timewarp brainrot you get a name badge and t-shirt official uniform of people who just get it. We're all so normal here.

Arthur might have a garden bed outside full of herbs for cooking but Charles is the king of indoor plants. Arthur is banned from touching them because he will overwater them and Charles will give him the quiet treatment. The plants are on the couch if people are coming over Charles will grumble about having to move his plants. The gang absolutely believe they miss 1899 camping so much they are trying to make their house look as much like outside as possible. These are not traditional houseplants there are vines and flowers and a homemade hydroponics set-up growing vegetables.

I love that shit it was Sean he was at least self-aware enough to know he'd get in trouble and put it on the window of his trailer/caravan only to be woken up by Bessie who was originally panicked he'd been hurt and then threatened to hurt him herself for putting bloody handprints on the window like she wasn't meant to panic. Still gives her a heart attack when she walks out. Lenny got annoyed he has no talent for drawing meanwhile Arthur successfully covered the whole kitchen window with mock stained glass that makes the house glow with the whole color spectrum when the sun catches it just right.

Mr Poor rancher John Martson is the worst at hoarding road-side furniture, has accidentally brought bed bugs into the house at least once. However Abigail queen of youtube adores fixing up and painting furniture with Arthur's help if she texts he knows it's a solid 50/50 their sons are in jail OR she needs to borrow the soda blaster again. By borrow she needs him to come over and do it she refuses to learn herself she just likes painting. Loves painting. Best in-laws ever fixing up furniture together. Arthur does the fine details like cabinets with birds and plants painted on the side so intricately.

Lenny's murder wall!! When they realize how much easier it is to pin things to walls than it is tents they all absolutely go nuts. Bessie struggles so much not wanting to interrupt them learning they can express themselves and feel stable enough in their new home to put their own personality into it but Sean goes through a phase of putting up take-away menus instead of posters and photos just because colorful. Abigail is so determined to let Jack be a kid she knows her poor boy grew up way too fast and is still trying to act like an adult despite being 19 she wants him to know he's always her baby. He certainly isn't much of a artist anymore but she will frame serviettes he scribbles poetry and song lyrics on to his mortification. First time she went to a hardware store she 'stole' almost every single paint color swatch and just pinned them up for a bit before realizing wait I can actually... buy paint. First thing she did was paint the kitchen blue. Lets her daughter draw on the walls. The centerpiece is a massive print of the blueprints to Beecher's Hope they found in an history archive, framed above the wall mounted gas heater in place of a fireplace.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

time's prophecy to 13 is like whatever, i generally dont really think abt it bc when i do it just feels a little like a contrivance to cut thasmin short, or more specifically to give 13 a reason to formulate why thasmin is getting cut short ie it just feels to me mainly as an in-universe way to say "hey so like we've got 3 episodes left theres not much we can do here"

but the other day i Was thinking abt it, or like it crossed my mind, that scene, that warning, that does little except verbalise to 13, with her own mouth, You Have No More Time

and i was like, thats actually like exactly what trauma does right? like that phenomenon where you are just convinced for no real concrete reason that youre dying within the next 1-5 years? i think i read that thats a ptsd thing once but idk. but you know the feeling, like, where youre stuck in the past and the future refuses to unfold? like it's just stuck. time is not moving forward. like there's a wall right in front of you and youre just like, im gonna walk into the wall. and maybe you feel like the wall is 1 year away or 5 but regardless, that 1 or 5 year can pass but the wall doesnt move. you know what i mean? like youre convinced you wont see your 20th birthday but youre actually already 25. just doesnt sink in.

i think thats what time's warning to 13 is. just the articulation of her own belief that shes running out of time. or that it had already run out before she even started. she starts her relationship with her companions with the assumption that it's temporary, even after they board for real: "you wont come back the same"

and if you look at it that way i think it's easier to deal with the jump from 13 to 14 or 15. not for yaz, obviously, shes still gonna be super upset abt it. but if 13 really genuinely entirely can not imagine the future that 14 has, can not imagine a future at all, like, it makes sense.

maybe she felt like she was dying but instead of the sentiment 10 expressed "some new man goes sauntering away and i am dead" she just stopped after the first sentence like "everything i am dies." stop. theres no After. theres nothing to imagine. theres no keeping yaz with her, theres no going back for her either. theres no continuation. theres no next. everything i am dies. and the world stops.

nightvale voice: death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.

but it's doctor who. she is the universe. what happens after the heat death of the universe? are you imagining settling down with a family who loves you? are you imagining heaven? after the heat death of the universe? the doctor doesnt believe in god.

[idsb]

How do I even put this. Where do I even start. I tried to write a song but I don’t know what to even say because I don’t know if words can even touch what this feels like.

I have not set foot in one place that I was in the summer of 2022.

That was the summer of my first bus tour. My first big tour. The tour of my dreams. The kind of tour I’ve fantasized about being on since I was 15. The kind of tour that made me want to do this as a career. The whole tour package was a family in a way it has never been before or since. The opening bands took me out for ice cream some mornings. We all explored new cities together. We stayed out drinking until 4am. I had long talks with a random new person every day. I was creating the best work of my life. I was surrounded by 20 people or more at all times. I was making more than people my age with salaried jobs in finance.

On July 5, 2022, a part of me died. A part of me was ruined. A part of me was torn apart by a thousand hyenas while I was fed something to keep me alive, to force me to sit and watch in horror. A hand covered my mouth as I tried to scream. Nothing was ever the same. People talk of a light in my eyes that was present before it. Which hasn’t returned. And won’t. No matter how much time moves. Nothing will undo it and nothing will ever set it back. No innonence will return. My heart was cut open and a weight was put inside and I was stitched back together weighted but empty, and broken in a way where there will always be cracks.

On June 25, 2022, ten days before, I was in the room I’m in right now. I don’t remember anything about it because it was blocked out by the horror that came after, and yet being here now I’m remembering everything. DoorDash fucked up my order. There was a rave in the downstairs part of the venue. We could participate from the balcony. We spent a lot of time out there. The room was sweaty. The night was sweaty. It felt free like the summer that was laid out before me, seemingly endless. The show was good. I SEE it. I see it unfolding before my eyes as I stand here like a movie I’m watching. My memories are never that vivid.

It was 10 days before the day that would kill me off and I didn’t even know.

I checked out of that tour after it happened. It was hard to try. It was hard to think. It was hard to focus. I was there but I was a ghost. My mind was somewhere else. All I remember about the whole thing is The Empty. It got worse as the days passed. The people around me cared but they were afraid for me. Because they knew it could get worse. They knew the tour was the only thing holding me together. They told me I needed to hold it together because if it was too obvious something happened and too many people asked too many questions, the wrong people would find out WHAT happened. And I’d have to be gone for optics.

They were right to say that because it’s the cruel way the world works. But it understandably made it harder to focus. I was there and I watched the days roll by, but half of me was a ghost. I cried every singular moment no one was looking. I had many shoulders to cry on but strangers could only be that so many times. They told me, “Holly, don’t fuck up this opportunity for yourself. Don’t you dare do it”. I still hear their voices ringing in my head when they said it. I heard it in my head all summer. And I knew they were right, so I didn’t fuck up the career part of it.

But so it goes, it was the best summer of my life and I don’t remember any of it because a tsunami washed over it and dragged it and pummeled it and washed it away until there was nothing left. I don’t feel that many ways about what happened anymore, if I don’t have to think about it. But what I do feel, is the fact that I lost that summer to sea.

And now here I am in this room that saw me back when everything was fine; 10 days before Vesuvius exploded, unaware that anything happened at all. Washing the memories back over me of the last 10 days I’ll ever be able to have felt lightness about me. The last 10 days I didn’t have something I had to lock away. The last 10 days I felt capable of people knowing everything about me and that fact feeling safe. Feeling like aspects of me could be relatable to anyone, before knowing that my greatest heartache I’ll ever feel in this life was so unique, so strange, a depth and genre of pain no one around me could EVER feel, or begin to even imagine. A level on which I will never be fully understood by anyone, ever again. I tell some people because it comes up and I pretend I’m over it. But I tell them because of a strange compulsion. Not because I feel safe. A new part of me finds a way to die every time I think about it. And this room saw me right before it all. When my world was still beautiful, when the light still came in.

Nothing about this room knows.

But I’m in this room, and I know.

I see all of the ghosts.

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[infinityactual]

Ngl, being (apparently exactly) half your age is fun because making people about my mom's age feel Old is enrichment for me (love u, have a nice day)

Hey man I love feelin old.

It's funny, growing up undiagnosed autistic and adhd in an abusive, authoritarian household really messed up my perception of what growing up is like. I have since officially cut contact with my abusive family (they didn't even react aside from signing the registered mail receipt lolololol) but even before that, I often thought a lot about what its like being in my thirties.

(Brief mentions of assault and abuse below he cut, nothing detailed just mentions as examples for context. This got a little rambly, I've had a lot on my mind regarding age the last few years.)

And being that old? It's. Not different. The phrase 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' never really made sense to me as a kid, but it hits home nowadays. I'm still me, but between growing and learning as I age and the realization that I'm probably not who I was told I was, it makes sense. I change. But I stay the same. It's like adding extra paint to a canvas. It's still a canvas, but there's more to it now. It will always be a canvas, but it's a canvas that is also different than it was before. It's changed, but it's the same.

My mom is one of those people who (literally at times) beat into me that if you got assaulted or raped or murdered, it was somehow YOUR fault for being too stupid or dressing too provocative or some other bullshit reason, and that I was sooo trusting and sooo stupid that I would probably end up dead before I hit 25.

And being on the spectrum and adhd and...well, a fuckin CHILD, I believed it.

It took three therapists and a psychiatrist, plus pretty much everyone I talk to going "Uh hey [x] isn't normal, that's abuse and you probably have [y] issues" for it to really sink in that my mother was wrong. That happened in 2020, right at the start of lockdown. Almost 5 years later and I still get kicked in the head with past traumas. I'm still sorting everything out. It's gonna take a while.

But I'm 38. Over a decade past the age when I thought I'd be dead. And only this year after deciding not to let the trauma and bad memories surrounding my birthday did I really understand how fucked up it is to fully expect to be dead at a young age without any sort of preexisting issues going on (it's also not a good way to live if you DO have medical issues that could kill you, but that is not what I'm getting into today).

I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's not a 'my death could happen any second' feeling, it's a more insidious 'what if my death comes from my spouse, whom I love and trust implicitly?' thing, with an added feeling of anxiety because on bad brain days I try to look for red flags where there are none.

And the real kicker: that sort of trust was already violated when I was a toddler, possibly younger, and kept being violated till I left home.

It's a lot to think about. Like several boxes of puzzles all dumped on the floor at once. I pick through the pieces, sometimes things click, but mostly it's just a mess.

But I am glad I lived. I'm glad that I am still here to prove that I'm not 'too stupid' to survive. I like being the server dinosaur on Discord. I like being there for younger folks who went through or still are in the shit. Cos I'm proof it gets better. I'm proof that abusers are liars and so are the mental problems abuse instills in a mind. They're liars that tell you horrible things. I argue back. I have gotten into the habit of responding to the thoughts in my mother's voice yelling at me by telling her she can fuck off.

She can fuck off and I'll still be here loving the same shit I did in school. In fact, things I loved have been coming back to me. I'm still me, but I've changed. The only thing adult about me is my age and that I have bills and taxes. I've cultivated patience. Learned that I was never wrong to give kindness and expect it in return. I've grown. And I love being old.

[kfairies]

temptation ; miguel o'hara smut

MIGUEL O’HARA + BLACK FEM READER | suggested, 15+ SUMMARY : you're in a relationship with your boyfriend, xavier riley, but after you bump into miguel while walking alone, things change. CONTAINS : dom!blackfemreader biting kink, suggestive (mentions of sex), slight (?) dirty talk and teasing, kissing, needy!miguel (whose also a flirt), tongue play , anal , etc. ================================= CAST :

y / n - black fem reader played by michiko malandro 27 - college graduate " im fucking 25, ive graduated college. i dont need a protector. this is los angeles, im not a fucking baby." =================================

xaiver riley - y/n original bf played by david kawena 26 - surfer " listen, i can't cook. that's my secret. now is there anything you need to fucking tell me, y/n?." =================================

miguel o'hara - y/n 's "friend" played by miguel ohara 30 - works at achlemax " come on... stop playing dumb with me amor." ================================

miguel o'hara - miguels friend" played by miles morales 17 - unknown occupation " oh. so thats your girlfriend?" ================================

tilla - y/n pet played by bruni

2 - professional at eating everything "boo!" ===================

nickie - y/n's mom played by eudora 52 - runs a resturant" you better not be having sexual intercourse in LA. now give me some love"

===================

"Mama!" I yelled from the kitchen. "Yes baby." she answered. "Im going out to the coffee shop to work I'll be home by 5:00pm." I replied. "Okay baby" she said. "Love you!" I exclaimed, walking out the door it was 9am, I was walking to my job. Once I got there, I put on my apron and started making a coffee for a customer. I worked for a few hours, serving customers, making coffee, and cleaning up. By 5:00pm I had finished my shift and was heading back home. I walked in the dark, the loud sounds of the city peirced my ears. The cars honking, crackheads yelling; everyday thing. I saw a large man walking towards be, although we were the same height, I wasn't intruiged and thought it was just a local, until he started following me. "Hey!" I exclaimed to scare him off. 'WHoa re you?" It was this man in a casual outfit, he ahd brown hair, and was buff, His hair would flow back into the wind, and he was fairly attractive. "What are you doing walking around at 6:00pm on a late night, in california" he said, his voice was soothing. "Nothing much." i said. He walked and contiued small talking, but I gave short answers; for all I knew, this person was a stranger. I asked him what he was doing as well, and he just shrugged and said he was out for a walk. We exchanged numbers, and he left. I watched him until he was out of sight, my heart racing the whole time. Out of guilt I took another man's number, I texted my boyfriend, Xavier. "baby! :)" i texted. delivered. Whatever, I greeted my mom and got into my bed, I started to fall asleep until this number that I had saved called me. "Hello/" I said, concerned on who was calling me. A familiar voice answered "Hello, its.. Miguel? The creepy buff one?" Something clicked in my brain, and I remembered the stranger from today. "Oh, hello" I said, I noticed my feet kicking up in the air and immideatly stopped. In my mind, I said; "What the hell am I doing? HELLOOOOOOO Y/N YOU HAVE A BOYFRIENDDD!" "Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend, Miguel." I said, and releif lifted my chest. "Mhm, whats his name?" He replied in his deep voice. "Xavier, so if you're trying to do anything you can forget about it." I snapped back. I was proud of myself. "Well.." His voiced was so soothing, I wanted to hang up, but I couldnt. "Y/n, I'll call you soon." he hung up but I was still daydreaming, then I snapped out of it. I put my pewt, Tilla into my bed and slept with her. My alarm clock struck 8:30. I walked to my job and tried to get my mind off things, just like other days, I put my apron on. I went to the kitchen and saw my colleagues chatting, but I felt a bit off. I tried to focus on my tasks, but I couldn't help but feel a bit empty. I took a deep breath and tried to push the thoughts away.After a while of hard work, the bell rung at my closing shift, all of my colleagues were gone, it was Miguel. "You again, I thought i told you I had a boyfrie-" "Shh" he said. "Bitch who do you think you are? You're not m father nor are you interupting me." "Shh" he said once again. This time, i stayed quiet because I wanted to heat the stupid shit he was gonna say. "Listen y/n, do you think I'm attractive?" "Fairly." I said. He grabbed my face and started pulling me closer. I tried to resist but I couldn't bring myself to it. He pushed my into the kitchen and closed the door behind him. He started kissing me, my lips, down my spine. +He grabbed my face and started pulling me closer. I tried to resist but I couldn't bring myself to do it, he was a great kisser. He pushed me into the kitchen and closed the door behind him. He started kissing me, my lips, down my spine, down my legs, and up again. Part 2 next block.

[againtodreaming]

Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)

@lyloneliness you send the first ask but also @mavr4xx @vinylbiohazard @ghostsinacoat @yumaisbored you also asked this too and omg i love u all but also, why do you do this to me 😭😭😭 i was already struggling a lot to think of 5 things with the first ask (and i still haven't even gotten to the tag game of this), and now I have to think of TWENTY-FIVE?!? ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚ (plus 5 more if I end up finding the tag game again plus the ability to think of 5 more...)

Anyways, thank you so much for the asks (´,,•ω•,,)♡ ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊♡ (even if they are the hardest asks I have done in my life 💀) (it was interesting and fun tho 🌟) you are all awesome 💖🌟💞 now here we go:

(25 things here in the same post bc…not sure I just started doing it after @ all of u and I am doing this draft in my phone and separating this in the other asks i still have to look for is too much work) (apologies for the length, the further i got, the longer some of the answers became😅)

1 - My hair (used to be really thick and my mom used to make this amazing hairstyles almost every day when I was a kid—there was one that was a huge rose made of braids or smth, the hairpins were awful and it took so long but it was so pretty, I think my mom even made it for the wedding of one of her friends, anyways I lost maybe more than half of my hair when I was like 15, stress probably, and then I decided to cut it even below the shoulder—first time in my life it was so short—bc I was so mad with it but also bc I had zero energy to even try to take care of it by that point. Grown back until like my mid-back—used to have it like waist length before—by now and now I got maybe a little more than half of the hair that I used to have at 13 which is a lot better than it was at 15 and hopefully it gets back to what I used to have in a couple of years more, but for now it's enough to start playing with it and doing braids)

2 - Open-mindedness

3 - Creativity

4 - Patience

5 - That I'm an older sister

6 - Uf, how do I explain this one—like, empathy? kindness? feeling things deeply? putting yourself in the other person's shoes and being considerate of that? being too sentimental? which can be really annoying too but I wouldn't trade it so...

7 - That I can talk really fast

8 - Being expressive

9 - Always thinking things through

10 - Confident in my likes? (okay, so this one feels complicated, but for example, when I was a little kid, 6 or 7 years old probably, I loved superheroes, but my classmates in my all-girls school were like, that's for boys 😒, and I felt horrible bc that was just another thing in that i didnt fit in with everyone else and i always wanted to fit in, but somehow—which looking back feels weird bc who even knew i could be surprisingly confident in some aspects—was that i never thought i was in the wrong for liking superheroes? Like, yeah, I always wanted to fit in and I felt bad that I didn't, but even with all the social insecurity I was constantly plagued with, I never felt like I was in the wrong for being myself or that I should change myself or pretend to like stuff I didn't just to fit in (that strategy didn't even cross my mind until I was…can't be sure, it was somewhere in the last few years in this country, it was either a documentary, fiction, or the group therapy, but the idea of actual people in real life doing smth they didn't agree and had no purpose except to fit in was like: 🤯!?!!?!?!) (I didn't handle it that well either to be fair, if I wasn't with my friends i just decide to hide during recess and/or to not speak at all with anyone, until I changed schools) (I liked the 2nd school better). I assume that in my head I was like: "shame that I'm not like all of you but what can you do, I'm me ╮(╥﹏╥)╭ "

11 - I'm usually also all or nothing with almost all things? Like, for example, math. I don't like math, it has always been the class I struggled with the most and all my math teachers in Peru were really strict and thank goodness that my dad loves math and really good at it or I would have been lost without someone to explain it to me. But last week, my parents got an email from my math teacher who was telling them how proud she was of me and how I always strove to understand everything and there was some implication that I did it bc I liked what I was learning, which like, I mean, I like geometry a lot more than algebra bc it's simpler, and I don't exactly hate it, but I certainly wouldn't do it for pleasure. At all. And yeah, I ask her about everything I don't understand (she insisted to the whole class to please ask her anything if we needed help, so i had permission; if she wasn't available tho, I just would have asked my dad or a friend who is good at math to explain it to me) and ask her to show me exactly what I did wrong and what would be the correct answer but all of that is bc well, if I'm going to do well in the class, I need to understand what I did wrong in order to fix it, and like, math classes always build on each other, so if I don't smth I will later have problems with it, and also like, I'm already stuck with the class whether I like it or not, if I'm going to do smth, I'm going to do it well. Which is smth my mom has complained a lot of times, especially during last school year when I had a lot of late assignments bc I was too anxious about doing any of them bc I was afraid of doing it wrong or bc I didn't have the energy to think clearly so I wouldn't be able to do my best so like yeah…I ended up not doing the assignments at all (this is the part that I hate about this all or nothing thing with me, but let's focus on the positive side right now). Or with projects, I once stayed awake until like 5 am like several nights straight to do a project for economics class which like…I decided to make my own illustrations for each slide of the ppt to illustrate the information on top of doing the reading and answering the questions stuff…and I was already in a hurry with it bc I didn't know the school put assigned summer readings in the school's website (it was my first year in this country and nobody had said anything about it the year prior, plus it was quarantine time) and the teacher gave me a few extra days bc I still needed to hurry up in reading the book so yeah, I should have done smth more simple and fast to just submit it and get a grade but it wouldn't have been doing my best, not even near my best and I was already compromising on some stuff to not take too long since there wasn't too much time for my initial ideas so…yep. The teacher loved my project tho (and gave me a 100 even tho it was one day late) and asked if she could use it for her class of next year soooo…totally worth it. But yeah, i was sort of confused that Geometry teacher thought to send an email like that when I have only been trying to understand the concepts I am assigned to learn?

Thinking, thinking, thinking….you know what, I want to put my height in here just annoy my sister (she would be all dramatic annoying fake pitying dramatic gasp about it and would drag the younger ones to her side of the argument) but she wouldn't even see it plus I don't actually care about heights (I just care that she's annoying about it almost daily) so that would also be a lie so another thing….you know what, i already got 11 in one morning, coming back to this later

12 - Okay, so I hate all my health problems, absolutely hate them, so annoying and expensive and restricting and confusing BUT—how do I word this…it has 2 parts…umm…okay, so I'm really familiar with the clinic in Peru I used to go all the time and, okay I hated having to go to the clinic so many times, especially towards the end, but I liked being familiar with it? Like, the people, the sense of a community, the building, the routine. It was probably more familiar than my schools since I changed schools a few times while the clinic was there ALWAYS (until we moved countries and I never expected to miss the fucking clinic but it happened which wtf but also makes sense which also omg mila (ノ◇≦。) but also, the medical system was definitely easier and less expensive than whatever the fuck they have going on here, plus not having all our usual doctors, so there is also a practical reason aside from me unreasonably missing everything that was familiar including things I didn't even like much). That's the first part. Second part is that it has brought…lessons ig. Like, idk, it's been a huge formative part of my life. About health and food and family stuff and experiences. Like, I hate having the health problems (they are A LOT better now than when I was younger as long I do some things to keep it that way, but yeah, really grateful for that) but also, I don't really know who I would be without those experiences? Changed the whole family too so like…idk, it's weird but felt worth mentioning.

13 - That I'm really curious and like learning.

14 - Sense of style

15 - Loyalty—to people (like, even swallowed down all my shyness and anxiety to try to reconnect with some childhood friends I hadn't talked in forever bc moving countries and depression thing) (going well, really happy that we are talking again) but also like to interests and values ig? Like, most of my likes (superheroes, anime, drawing, maybe writing but not sure about that one, all started before I even turned 8 y/o) and like, aside from maturing and a couple of things, I don't think I've changed much at all. I have never stopped liking smth I used to like anyways.

16 - Openness ig? Like, I never want to be a bother so it depends on the person and the history i have with them and sometimes on the occasion, but I never really had any problems asking for help or speaking about my problems or feelings

17 - My handwriting when it's not written in a hurry

18 - My attention to detail

19 - Not getting mad easily—which is you know good with being an older sister too bc like...my dad is really annoying (but like jokingly annoying) and a lot of times bc of it (or some other times other family members) my sister and my mom get mad about some small comment they take seriously and then they get angry and leave the table or living room or whatever and then it's like all awkward bc the mood got broken (which also, a little hypocritical especially bc the sister also loves to be annoying in purpose with everyone of us) but unlike them, the middle sister and me like...we don't really care much about it? We are usually the ones that get more teased by the others but it's like, smth one therapist didn't understand, which was so annoying wtf did setting boundaries had to do with my siblings being annoying, I don't care that they are annoying bc it's like, we usually get along well (presently; there used to be constant fighting between 2 of them we were little but they are better now) and they have always been annoying but it's like, a game, I know they are not serious about the matter. I can be annoying back if I feel like it and it's all in good fun. The only times I don't like it it's when it's actually serious, with you know, intention to hurt or being passively aggressive mad about smth, stuff like that. Point is that yeah, it's also good for sibling diplomacy bc I'm rarely the one getting mad with the other ones.

20 - That I like dogs

…I can't think of 5 more. Uf, let's see…okay, getting desperate here but—

21 - That I'm Peruvian

22 - Good at cooking

23 - Good at planning

24 - My self-awareness

25 - That I like to be more positive and hopeful about things in general I think? (myself is usually an exception) Constant argument with my sister bc she can be so pessimistic sometimes. Like, life is already hard enough as it is, having fun and connecting with people makes things more enjoyable, so why not try to focus on the bright side whenever possible and make things better. She thinks I'm naive, I know I can be naive, but also, if I have to live I'm going to enjoy it bc what's the point otherwise. Generalizing things doesn't help. I think.

OKAY!! DONE!! 25 THINGS!!! FINALLY 😭💖

Thank you again and I hope you are all doing well <33