#5:25 am .. so much on my mind and at the same time nothing at all..

[rayindamultiverse]

June 1, 2023

[autistichalsin]

Some of my favorite voice lines (either because of the lines themselves or because of Dave's delivery) from this collection of every line Halsin had in the game (and some he technically didn't because they weren't Halsin lines at all, but lines other characters have that they had Dave record for some reason):

5:07 "Fancy a b-oink? Indeed, you'll be hard-pressed to find a joke I haven't."

8:26 "I am Halsin. First Druid of the Emerald Grove. And I am here to VISIT NATURE'S FURY UPON YOU!" (From his revenge scene if the grove is raided- just, brilliant acting, gives me the chills every time. Give Dave an award please)

10:10 "Karlach. I am glad you can enjoy the touch of another once again. And I hope you are afforded much more time than you've been told. A lifetime and more, if I have a say in it."

17:33 "Lae'zel could not have wished for a finer companion by her side. You truly love her, I can tell. Just... keep each other safe, please."

25:05 (Tav or Durge line) "Yeah, she's not coming back."

27:44 "Shadowheart. These truths that have been revealed to you... I know they must be painful. But Oak Father as my witness, I know you are strong enough to bear them. You need not walk this path alone."

34:08 "I am sorry, Gale. You tried. Mystra was wrong to turn on you, no matter what mistakes you made in the past."

35:57 "Time can prove to be a trickster on one's recollections. What would be multiple lifetimes for others now separate me from my captivity. Perhaps I have lost perspective on what happened to me."

39:06 "Re-education. As if this sect has not mangled poor Shadowheart's mind enough already."

41:59 "I need you!"

47:08 (Shadowheart line) "Let's see what comfort we can offer a grieving mother."

47:57 "You have carried this burden for too long already. I simply do not believe that ceremorphosis is the only course left to you! Orpheus must help us." (He is so protective of the player 😭 )

52:03 "We need to be gone from here- now!"

53:10 (Tav/Dark urge line) "In my name." (Amazing acting for that line, makes me wish SO BAD we could have Origin Halsin)

1:04:13 "A mindflayer?! What foul trickery is this?"

1:04:20 "I am no stranger to the Underdark. Cruelty comes to Lolth's followers as naturally as breathing. I have seen it- experienced it." (You can tell he still holds so much grief and anger over what happened to him in the Underdark.)

1:04:32 "Do not yield, Karlach. The world has need for you yet. I have need for you yet. Please." (The way his voice breaks here just wrecks me.)

1:10:13 "Let our enemies' corpses nourish the ground!"

1:13:20 "Gale, what's troubling you? We're nearly at the end, I know it."

1:14:52 (Tav/Dark Urge line) "That's what was in there? Those little shits."

1:21:26 "You have upended nature's balance. Only your death can restore it!" (From the Halsin revenge scene.)

1:24:31 "Last Light fell because you could not control the violence in your heart. All those people perished because of what you did to Isobel. You must try harder. You must be better."

1:24:26 "There must be no more Yennas."

1:25:39 "No, it's wooden. Um. I suppose it burns if you find yourself in dire need of kindling, but I hope it does not come to that." (Referring to his whittled duck)

1:35:12 (Karlach line) "Rest in peace, Astarion. You may have been a bloodthirsty murderer, but I liked you all the same."

1:37:03 "Death is nature's final slumber. It awaits us all. Do not punish yourself over those lost, or give in to despair. Not while there are folks in need of your help."

1:40:57 "Do not yield, Karlach. Stay with us. Stay with the ones who love you." (Just breaks my heart. 😭 )

1:43:28 "You deserve so much better, but alas... I understand. Do as you must."

1:57:27 "You seem to be mumbling to yourself- aren't I enough company for you?" (To Shadowheart)

2:08:57 "GLORY?! There's no glory here! Now there's nothing here. Only shadows, and the total absence of hope!"

2:09:37 "I see. Well. Perhaps not all friendships are destined to be balanced and reciprocal. But I remain eternally grateful for having met you, all the same. Rest well."

2:13:27 "We are. Yet there is a burden to being the survivor, the witness to others' tragedies. It only grows heavier with time."

2:16:26 "You worship Shar?! That umbral witch unleashed a plague of darkness on nature! Her followers slew many of my fellow Druids!" (So much pain and anger here.)

2:20:41 "It wasn't just power this needed! It was wisdom, understanding! I suffered along with this place for years trying to understand the curse! And it seems I will continue to do so."

2:21:46 Maniacal laughter (I can only imagine this happens if you get hit with Tasha's Hideous Laughter, and this one was incredible in that it SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME LMFAO I was so creeped out. HUGE props to Dave Jones for that one.)

2:26:15 (Dark Urge line) "In Bhaal's name."

2:33:13 "Poor creature! Locked in a cage, denied her true nature. Civilization would cause her a monstrosity, yet it treats her like this?!"

2:34:54 "What are you doing?! No!"

2:39:01 "Ah, but the glory can be found in the telling! The children love tales of underdogs, facing odds most unlikely! They shall appreciate your story, trust me."

2:40:20 "The Rite of Thorns? No..."

2:42:09 "I was not here to guide them. Now they rest forever, while I carry the weight of my failings."

2:52:35 "Nature cares little for nobility- it is pure artifice. But I can still hold some respect for Wyll's accomplishment. He shall be a fine duke, I am sure."

2:53:50 "Please. Don't sully the gratitude I feel towards you by making excuses for Kagha. My choice was clear."

2:56:01 (Orin-as-Halsin) "Please, wait. I did not want this. I could not stop it."

3:19:56 "Hmm. Perhaps I can substitute the bloodlust and, well, general lust for cuddles and animals in the retelling. The children will be confused, but no matter- they will soon be asleep."

3:23:38 "I am glad to have Gale back with us. The group would be poorer without his insights- and his company."

3:27:00 "That was no killing blow- far from it. What happened?"

3:27:49 "Silvanus guard us- what have you done?!"

3:29:58 "If this is what you truly want, I shall respect your wishes. But know that you shall not die, not truly. Nature's realm shall be yours- in the air, the trees, the waters."

3:32:27 "Don't do this! Your life!" (When a mind flayer character commits suicide in the ending)

3:34:47 Pained groaning (IDK it just sounded so damn real here, I could just imagine Halsin with a giant gaping wound or something here)

3:38:53 "The machine! It's going to blow!"

3:41:12 "Come on, you useless turnip!"

3:46:43 "You can still save yourself, Karlach. You can return to Avernus- it need not be forever. Just long enough to give yourself a chance..." (His voice sounds so small and pleading here 😭 )

3:48:12 (Dark Urge line) "In Bhaal's name." (Just a really good delivery)

3:48:54 "But... friendship is no consolation trophy. I cherish the bond we have forged. Whether it should grow into something else is... not for me to predict."

3:49:20 "Vampire spawn assailing us in the night? I thought we had ample troubles as it was. At least you are safe, Astarion."

3:51:00 "I was never afforded a chance to start a family of my own- serving nature always had to come first."

3:51:07 "You thought she was an imposter- a threat. This was a trap of Orin's creation. Yenna's death is on her hands, not yours."

3:51:22 "Your rage is most impressive, Karlach. If the lesson is not to provoke your temper, consider it well-learned."

3:59:04 "Ha! I suppose I did, didn't I? I was so focused on helping Thaniel that my sense of decorum was neglected."

4:06:02 "Truly? I thought you felt the same way as me. There was a connection, I-I was sure!" (Oh my god he sounds like he's fucking CRYING here and this legitimately made me whimper out loud and hide my face. I have NEVER needed to hug a character THIS BADLY before oh my god give Dave Jones all of the awards please)

4:17:03 "Oak Father, what did I do to deserve such allies?!"

4:18:03 "This... orb. Gale carries a most dire burden. I wish he had shared it with us sooner."

4:18:58 "Time for blood!" (In bear form)

4:19:31 "Karlach has had her mortality defined to her in most cruel terms. I do not know if we can help her, but perhaps we can at least be there for her."

4:23:19 "FINE!" (He just sounds so done lmfao)

4:23:20 "And yet, she fears there are none to inherit her work, so she goes on. Long life can be a burden at times- I know that well."

4:24:45 "You shall live on. And wherever I go, I shall feel your presence, and you mine." (To Origin Karlach in the ending- this whole scene would be really beautiful if they would just fix a few things)

4:27:55 "Your power is buoyed by a sea of innocent blood! I hope you are pleased."

4:28:26 (Tav/Dark Urge line) "In my name." (Gave me chills)

4:30:59 (Tav/Dark Urge line) "What in the hells, Astarion?! You bit me!"

4:32:39 "Remember, whatever evil is trying to control you, I know you are stronger. Resist."

4:35:08 Pained groaning and cries (They just sounded so real and painful)

4:37:11 "Dominate the brain! Do it now, or all is lost!"

4:47:46 "I will not go on without you!"

4:49:18 "Perhaps try attacking the enemy!" (He sounds so done lmfao)

4:49:25 "That contraption looks set to kill you, not save you! Get clear of it at once!"

4:50:27 "A cruel blow. Astarion loved feeling the caress of the sun, only now it gouges him with its claws. Perhaps we shall meet again, beneath the shield of darkness."

4:53:23 Maniacal laughter (Truly terrifying just like the other one)

4:58:49 (Yenna line [yes really]) "Where am I? I don't like this dream!"

4:59:04 "Nature bows to none. It will fight on and survive, no matter what madness your god has inspired you to undertake."

5:03:51 "Stuck, eh? Straight out of bawdy literature."

5:09:57 "Killing Orin won't bring Yenna back, but it may give her some peace, and me... a great deal of satisfaction."

5:11:26 "No! Have you taken leave of your senses?!"

5:15:27 "This may keep the city safe, but to seal all those unfortunates away forever? Death would have been more merciful."

5:16:44 "Stay your hand, Astarion! To sacrifice so many is a tyrant's ambition!"

5:16:52 "I... cannot imagine how you are feeling, Gale. For a goddess to ask a mortal to pay such a price... I am sorry for... for your burden."

5:19:44 "Immortal... and angered. What have I done...?"

5:20:43 "The power of the bear lies within me!"

5:22:47 "In that case, nothing more needs to be said. Farewell." (Said if a player who has low approval with Halsin at the epilogue party says they have no interest in taking the olive branch Halsin extended; I like this one because he sounds like a strange combination of sad and relieved at the same time, which is such a realistic combination of feelings!)

5:26:14 "Slain and stuffed. I would like to do the same to whoever's handiwork this is." (About a taxidermy baby bear)

5:26:19 "My heart grows heavy for Karlach. She can touch once more, yet is her remaining time to truly be so short? I shall pray to Silvanus that it does not come to pass."

5:32:10 "I... cannot imagine how you are feeling, Gale. For a goddess to ask a mortal to pay such a price... I am sorry for... for your burden. Though I wish you had told us of your predicament before."

5:36:33 (Orin-as-Halsin) "I lost control. I felt the bear take over, blood-crazed. And she forced me into a cage, along with... *sobs* with children, taken from the streets." (I think this one is a slightly different version than what ended up used? The sobbing is definitely more prominent if nothing else.)

5:39:28 "I hoped my friends would save me..." (Dave manages to make Halsin's body sound dead-corpse-emotionless and yet sad at the same time.)

5:39:45 "I hoped my loved would save me..." (Same as above)

5:41:08 "Your gold and your loins. Not for me to dictate what you do with either."

5:41:20 "You were not even born when Shar's followers slew my fellow Druids, or when her shadow curse tainted the land. I can get past those... but I truly wish you had trusted me sooner."

5:52:36 "No matter how long I live, I will never get used to the cruelty that infests our world. That such evil is allowed to breathe the same air as us is an abomination."

5:57:33 (Tav/Durge line) "In my name."

6:02:56 "Of course... somehow I'd hoped for a miracle, but of course... the only miracles are those we make ourselves." (He's talking about Karlach/her engine here)

6:03:57 "I was all too eager to surrender my responsibilities towards the Grove, and now it has been sealed away from the world! Perhaps I was never meant to be Archdruid... to be a leader."

6:08:29 "NO! Cease now, before you doom us all!"

6:09:22 (Dark Urge line) "In Bhaal's name."

6:20:05 "I shall endeavor to be more tactful when trying to make friends in future."

6:22:06 "You are afraid because you are alive, and you have something to lose. Hold onto that."

6:26:58 "You will not desecrate this grove! Not while I draw breath!"

6:33:00 "This need not be a parting, so long as you fight on. You and I can each roam apart, until nature compels our paths to cross once again."

6:41:42 "I shall miss him, though I hope he proves to be a kindly god. I've had my fill of the tyrannical sort."

6:42:29 "Do as you must, as shall I. We shall meet again. It is as sure as the break of dawn, or the spring thaw."

6:44:49 "And I have been evicted from the very place I was charged to safeguard. A telling summary of my time as Archdruid, perhaps."

6:45:47 "Stay with me, my love."

6:50:36 "Do not falter, I am here!"

6:51:15 "Karlach. I am sorry. I shall not try to soothe you with gilded words, but... know that I am here for you."

[akirakirxaa]

UPDATE: I am closing my commissions for the time being, I will be starting my day job next week along with FFXIVWrite being next week. Rest assured that all commissions I currently have will be completed, but until I'm out of training for my day job I don't feel comfortable taking more and ending up with longer wait times. Thank you. <3

Hey everyone. I am really struggling right now. As many of you that have been around know, I made a big move to another state a couple of months ago. I'm so excited to be here, but my husband only just got a new job and I'm still out of a traditional job, and between us we currently have eight dollars to our name until we get paid next month. For full transparency, the most urgent bills are:

Car insurance: $180 Cat food: $25 Dog food: $25

If you would like to donate to help out, my p@ypal is @/LauraWrites without the slash, or if you're not comfortable sending directly through paypal, you can reach out to my Kofi [link], though I do ask if you do to please use paypal there too, as it processes payments much more quickly. The animal food money I need within the next couple of days, and the car insurance needs to be paid by the 17th or my husband won't be able to get to said new job.

However, I'm not here to only beg for money for nothing in return, but to offer some new commission slots for a few different things. So, let's get into it! Beta Reading/Editing:

I do indeed have a degree in writing (particularly journalism but between you and me? Almost the same thing just with some extra media related classes) and I would love to help you with your project! If you'd like me to look over your transcript, my rates are as follows:

Proofreading (grammar only): $15 per 1000 words Content editing (grammar + feedback and editing on content): $40 per 1000 words

Gear Upscales

Frustrated cause your favorite niche piece of gear doesn't match the body you normally use? I can help with that! I can also apply the Chocochomps teeth resource to your head of choice if your favorite hasn't been ported yet publicly. At this time I will only offer upscales on chest pieces as they are both what I have the most experience with and what I've had the most success with. I will also not port anything to the Eve body. Sorry. No IVCS/Skelomae conversions either, as I do not currently know how to do that.

Chestpiece Gear Upscale: $20-$40 depending on the complexity of the piece, contact for more details Chocochomps Application: $10, please have in mind how sharp or dull you want the various teeth. Additional teeth options on the same head will add an extra $5 per teeth set (eg, you got flat teeth but you also want vampire teeth, that would be $15)

Single Pose Gpose:

The classic and my most popular commission choice is back! For ease due to my new variety of commissions possibly taking up more time, I will now require a .chara or a .mcdf file in order to pose your character. If you are console or do not want to run the crime tools, a friend can also grab .chara files for you using a software such as Anamnesis. Please keep in mind that any NPC that didn't appear in DT did not get the new face bones, so facial posing for other NPCs will be limited.

GIF set:

My most popular unofficial option, I am finally codifying making a GIF with your very own characters! Like the single pose, I will require an .mcdf or a .chara file, so please have that ready. Due to the limitations of some tools still being offline, I will be at the mercy of vanilla animations + whatever exists as a working mod.

Single Character, 1 GIF: $20 Single Character, 3 GIFs: $50 Additional Characters: +$10

You can find my commission section on Kofi [here] or you can also message me directly either on Kofi or here on Tumblr. (Or if you're in one of the discords I frequent, you're welcome to send me a discord message.) Due to the subjective nature of upscales you will always have to message me first for that, since I'll have to look at the piece in question to determine the price.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to hear from you soon! <3

[httpsdana]

Prompt List

Please when requesting specify the genre 🙏🏻

rule for requests

Angst:

1. “Don’t lie to me. I know you still have feelings for him/her.”

2. “I tried everything to make you happy, but maybe I was just never what you wanted.”

3. “You don’t get to decide when you come in and out of my life.”

4. “I told myself I’d never fall for you again. But here I am, breaking my own heart.”

5. “If you’re happier without me, then I won’t stand in your way.”

6. “Maybe if I had told you how I felt sooner, none of this would’ve happened.”

7. “Don’t make me choose between you and my dreams. I can’t handle it if you ask me to.”

8. “I don’t think I know who you are anymore.”

9. “I saw you with them, and you looked… happier than you ever looked with me.”

10. “You don’t get to say you love me, not after everything you did.”

11. “How many times am I supposed to forgive you for breaking my heart?”

12. “Every memory I have of us is tainted now, thanks to you.”

13. “Just say you never loved me. It’ll hurt less than pretending you did.”

14. “Tell me what I did wrong. I just want to understand.”

15. “I keep hoping you’ll give me a reason to stay, but you never do.”

16. “We’re stuck in this endless cycle, and I’m so tired.”

17. “It feels like I’m the only one fighting to keep us together.”

18. “Maybe we were never meant to last, and that scares me.”

19. “I don’t know what hurts more—losing you or realizing you were never really mine.”

20. “I think we both know we’re not the same anymore.”

Fluff:

1. “I don’t need a reason to hold your hand. I just want to.”

2. “You talk in your sleep, you know? Last night, you kept saying my name.”

3. “How come every time you smile, my day somehow gets better?”

4. “You look cozy. Mind if I join you?”

5. “Stop laughing! I’m trying to tell you that I love you!”

6. “I’ve had a long day, and I really need a hug… from you, specifically.”

7. “I know it sounds silly, but I just like watching you be happy.”

8. “Did you know you make the best hot chocolate? Like, award-winning quality.”

9. “Promise me you’ll be here when I wake up.”

10. “I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love with someone every single day.”

11. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”

12. “You’re the best part of my day, every day.”

13. “I don’t think I could ever get tired of looking at you.”

14. “I never planned to fall in love, but here we are"

15. “I know I’m supposed to be brave, but you make me so nervous.”

16. “I made a playlist just for you. Every song is one that reminds me of something we’ve done together.”

17. “Hey, stop wriggling! I’m trying to braid your hair, and you keep moving.”

18. “I know you don’t like mornings, so I made you breakfast and set it by the bed.”

19. “I’m going to carry you, okay? You look like you need a piggyback ride.”

20“I know it’s pouring outside, but how about a slow dance in the rain?”

21. “I can’t believe you remember all those little things I say. I didn’t think anyone listened that much.”

22. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you look right now?”

23. “I brought you flowers, but they looked better in my head.”

24. “Stop laughing! It’s impossible to stay mad when you smile like that.”

25. “If I had a dollar every time you looked at me like that...well, I'd probably just spend it all on you”

26. “Keep looking at me like that and people will start thinking you're falling for me”

27. “Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you're secretly a huge softie”

28. “Admit it—you'd be a little lost without me”

29. “I didn't realize that my smile was that distracting to you”

30. “What are you doing up?” “My personal heater went away.”

Jealousy:

1. “Who was that you were talking to just now?”

2. “I don’t care if they’re just a friend. I saw the way they looked at you.”

3. “Are you seriously jealous? It’s cute, but you have nothing to worry about.”

4. “I don’t like the way they talk to you.”

5. “I may be smiling, but I’m two seconds away from telling them to back off.”

6. “I trust you. It’s them I don’t trust.”

7. “I don’t like sharing what’s mine, and you, my love, are very much mine.”

8. “Look, I’m not the jealous type, but I might make an exception for you.”

9. “Do I have to remind them you’re taken?”

10. “It’s not like I’m jealous or anything, I just… don’t like the way they look at you.”

Comfort

1. “Hey, you don’t have to go through this alone.”

2. “I know things are tough right now, but I’m not going anywhere.”

3. “I don’t care how long it takes—I’m here for you.”

4. “Talk to me. Please. Let me help.”

5. “It’s okay to cry. I’ll be right here.”

6. “I wish I could take away all your pain.”

7. “You’re not a burden. You’re my world.”

8. “Let’s just sit here together. We don’t need to say anything.”

9. “I love you, even on the days when you don’t love yourself.”

10. “Even on your worst days, I still think you’re amazing.”

11. “You’ve been strong for so long. Let me be strong for you now.”

12. “You’re allowed to feel how you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

13. “When was the last time you did something just for yourself?”

14. “You’re so strong for getting through this. I just want you to know that.”

15. “You’re not a burden to me, and I’ll remind you of that as many times as you need.”

16. “I’ll remind you as many times as it takes. You’re not alone in this.”

17. “Look, no one can do it all perfectly. Not even you.”

18. “I don’t care how messy it gets—I’m staying right here with you.”

19. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. I want to know every part of you.”

20. “I know you’re hurting. I’ll be here as long as you need me to be.”

Playful/Teasing:

1. “If you keep looking at me like that, I might actually believe you like me.”

2. “I swear, I tripped and fell into your arms. Pure accident.”

3. “Is it bad that I kind of like annoying you?”

4. “Admit it. You missed me.”

5. “Oh, please. We both know you think I’m adorable.”

6. “I’m not saying you’re cute… but you’re kind of cute.”

7. “You’re really bad at hiding that smile, you know.”

8. “If you want to kiss me, all you have to do is ask.”

9. “What’s with the smirk? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

10. “Are you blushing? Because I think you’re blushing.”

11. “Are you seriously jealous of my cat? She was here before you, you know.”

12. “You keep looking at me like that, and I’ll start charging you rent.”

13. “If I kiss you every time you’re annoying, would you be annoying more often?”

14. “I know I’m adorable, but can you try not to stare? It’s distracting.”

15. “If you keep stealing my hoodies, I’m going to start stealing your favorite snacks.”

16. “Are you going to keep pretending you don’t love me, or can we skip to the good part?”

17. “I caught you smiling at me. Don’t even try to deny it.”

18. “I saved you the last bite of dessert. That’s how much I love you.”

19. “Did you just doodle our initials in the corner of your notebook? How cute!”

20. “I found a picture of us from ages ago. Look how adorable we were!”

21. “Stop trying to look all cool and mysterious. You’re the biggest softie, and I have proof.”

22. “You’re hugging a pillow in your sleep. Should I be offended?”

23. “You’re literally grumpy until you’ve had coffee. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

24. “Bet you can’t go five minutes without looking at me.”

25. “If you keep calling me cute, I might have to prove you wrong.”

26. “I love you, but if you keep eating my snacks, we’re going to have a problem.”

27. “I think you have something on your face—oh, never mind, it’s just cuteness.”

28. “What would you do if I kissed you right now? Just curious.”

29. “You’re blushing. Don’t try to deny it—I saw that.”

30. “I made you breakfast, but it’s probably terrible, so just pretend it’s good."

[sorastar6]

David Chiem Protagonist AU- Prologue, part 1

I finally finished something that I was working on for a long time! Yay! This AU is basically going to be a series of fanfics that I write. I may or may not actually finish this and do everything I want, but I sure hope I don't lose any motivation. So, um... Enjoy! I hope this is good!

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a loop?

That the more things change, the more they stay the exact same? The thought of that is funny, isn’t it? The world is big and new things happen every time, every day.

“All that you have to do is just find new things and new peop-”

Shut it. Just shut your mouth, it’s rude to interrupt others.

Your choices don’t matter, anything you do just doesn’t matter. If everything is just broken at its core, there’s nothing you can do about it. The days will go by, one by one, and your life will just stay miserable as it is.

…

You don’t believe me? Well then, let me just show you. Just look into my life, you’ll see everything you need. Let’s see if you can keep up with that “hopeful” worldview of yours.

I doubt you don’t know who I am, but I'll introduce myself anyway. My name’s David Chiem. I can see that look you’re giving me, I guess you do know who I am after all.

“But David! Your life is incredible! How can you say all of these things? You’re ungratef-”

Shut it. I’m not done.

You could’ve heard about me in several places, but most likely, it was from the Hope’s Peak Academy graduation ceremony that happened a few months ago. Yup, I graduated from Hope’s Peak, amazing, right?

No it isn’t amazing. Not when your talent is something you despise. I’m the former Ultimate Inspirational Speaker. With everything you’re hearing from me, you’re probably doubting that, right? ‘There’s no way that you are the real David Chiem! You sound so pessimisti-’

Hate to it break it to you, but David’s a liar. I AM a liar. I’m 25 years old, I’ve had my career for 5 years, and guess what? Everything is based on lies! Woah, what a twist! A big celebrity is a big liar and is able to make money off of it? That never happened before!

…

That was sarcasm if you were stupid enough to not notice. Open your eyes, people like me are everywhere in this world. Just spitting what people want to hear. And somehow, they are ignorant enough to fall for it. Such stupidity…

People don’t change. And I’m the living proof of it. I hate my fucking job, I hate having to deal with annoying fans, and to top it all off? I was forced into this by someone else! And yet, I don’t do anything to stop this. Why? Simple, I’m a lazy piece of shit. I don’t even have the courage to make a proper meal, imagine having to deal with countless backlash!

Disappointed? Sowwy, don’t care. I don’t have a noble or tragic reason to do what I do. And I bet all of those other Ultimates are all the same. Everything is the same in this damn world, anyone who can’t see it is just plain stupid. There you have it, thanks for coming to my Tedtalk on why this world is hopeless! You can fuck off now. Hate me all you want, then we’ll have something in common. None of you have a reason to stay by my side anymore, goodby███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

…

Everyone has to pay for their sins one day.

Wake up, David Chiem.

…

That was a strange dream. Even if it was just a dream, it still felt… Odd. It’s not a bad feeling, but it’s not good either. I can’t quite describe it, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Everything from that dream is already escaping my mind, so why bother?

How much time am I going to stay laid down here? I need to get up, I probably have something to do. But my head is killing me, so I want to stay in bed for a few more minutes. Wait, bed? This… Doesn’t feel like my bed. It’s more… Soft? But it still doesn’t feel comfortable like my bed. Maybe I prefer not what’s better, but what’s familiar?

There it goes again, my mind just thinking about random stuff that doesn't matter. I should just get up, but finding the energy to simply open my eyes feels like it will kill me. How pathetic. After some time, I opened them.

I tried adjusting my vision to the lighting of the room. It was dark, very dark. And yet, I could tell that this wasn’t my room.

“Sigh… What did I get myself into this time?”

I sat up on this bed, stretching my limbs until I could hear that satisfying crack. I passed a hand through myself to see the state that I’m in.

No injuries, no blood, but still a mess.

I wasn’t about to tidy myself up. There is a much bigger issue at my hands.

I was just barely able to stand up, my body getting the desire to succumb to this tiredness. But I pressed on to the door. I placed my hand on the knob, looking back at the dark room behind me. Maybe staying here and resting would be a good idea, but that also could lead to me getting chained to a wall. Fuck, second guessing, I hate it.

I just looked straight into the door, knowing very well that if I just glanced at that bed, I would just throw myself in it. So, I took a deep breath.

…

And I opened the door.

And I was immediately pushed down to the ground.

“Ow! What the-”

I couldn’t even finish my sentence before my gaze met a familiar pair of sharp red eyes. Eyes that… looked like it belonged to a cat.

“… D-david?”

“… Nico…?”

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

From the Ashes Pt. 38

Pairing(s): Pairing(s): Rhaegar Targaryen x Lannister!Reader, one-sided!Jaime Lannister x Lannister!Reader, Jaime Lannister x Cersei Lannister

Warnings: slow burn fic, changing povs, MC POV, departure to Asshai!,

Words: 3,007

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 3.5  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9  Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 39 Part 40 Part 41 Part 42

Book Two of Dārilaros hen ōrbar se perzys (Heir of Ash and Fire)

Dritan’s cheek stung from where Rhiannon’s hand had slapped him. Away from the prying eyes of party goers, even in the dark archway the Fiery Hand soldier could feel the intensity of Rhiannon’s glare.

“I don’t want to hear you ever speak ill against (y/n), let alone my sister.” She growls out her warning. So much did she remind Dritan of her older sister Thalina. From her gold hued eyes to her hefty soft brown hair, but the sisters were so different. “If you know what's good for you.”

Her words brought up the memory of when Dritan last encountered Thalina.

Clenching his fists, he found the bitterness inside of him grow and fester. “She will lead you to your death as she did with Thalina. All of you will perish in Asshai for trusting that darkin. She is too young, too naive. The moment she allowed the darkin to live was the moment she condemned us all!”

“Do you desire another slap?” Hissed Rhiannon, prepping her right hand if need be.

Like many others in the temple, Rhiannon was blinded by the miracles (y/n) had performed during her time in Volantis. Dritan alone could see earth swirling around the Westerosi girl, the one Thalina had forsaken him for. When word of Thalina’s ultimate fate was leaked, Dritan had done his best to persuade her to stay for in his heart Thalina reigned supreme. Hard did he fall in love with the clumsy red priestess. Within the first few months of his service to the temple, Dritan knew that he wanted Thalina as a wife. He had even gone so far to confess his love, hoping it would be enough to stop her. Nothing could change her mind, not even the potential of romance. Thalina broke his heart in the same breath she used to scold him. This was her duty and she was happy to follow out the flame’s divine plan. How content she was to go to her death!

Rhiannon was following in the footsteps of her sister. Stubborn and polluted by the faith of R’hllor. There was no talking her out of it.

They were all sheep.

Not having anything else to say to Rhiannon, Dritan stormed to the barracks that housed the temple’s warriors. Rhiannon watched his departure with narrowed eyes. She debated on going after him or even alerting a priest of his blasphemous speech. Disparaging her sister’s memory by condemning (y/n), uneasiness produced a lump in Rhiannon’s throat. It made her worry about leaving. What would Dritan’s resentment lead him to do?

“That one has always been filled with unquenchable anger, I’m afraid.” Dreamy voiced Alizah walks out from the shadows, her traveling cloak around her shoulders and hood pulled over her head. Behind were the quiet figures of Haakon and Kafele who possessed hair like flames.

“You are leaving so soon?”

Her pale face grows sad as she nods. “Yes. If I am to get there in a timely manner, I must leave at once.”

Pursing her lips, Rhiannon tentatively asks “Are you allowed to divulge where you’re going?”

Alizah pauses for a moment before Kafele whispers into her ear. Whatever he had told her makes Alizah’s features alert once more. “In due time. We must be off. Remember your lessons, Rhiannon. The night is dark and full of terrors.”

The trio hurries past Rhiannon leaving her alone. Her destination must be important if they were in such a rush to leave. To herself, Rhiannon finishes the verse that Alizah had left her with. “The day is bright and beautiful and full of hope.” That’s what (y/n) represents for the future. No matter what Dritan had to say.

You swore your brain had a pulse as your head ached from the night before. Taking everything in you to start getting ready for your long journey, thankfully Rhiannon and Inanna had arrived to help you gather at least your necessities. Every now and then though you were seized with the need to throw up.

Small Inanna, although still terrified of the small dragon curled up in your sheets, hurried to your side with a tonic Siofra had produced. “This should help you. Siofra worried about this last night.”

The thought that people were looking out for you warmed your heart and just that was enough to make you feel better. “Thank you, Inanna.” Her dark eyes sparkle at your gratitude before she laughs at the face you make. Unbearably bitter, you were sure that it was meant to truly make you vomit but in a few minutes your nausea all but disappeared.

“It will definitely be quiet while you are gone.” Inanna admits a little sadly as she folds her hands in front of her. “I’m sure Ser Jaime and Lord Tyrion will offer some entertainment to those who will miss you.”

“Is it really okay for Weles to be leaving the Fiery Hand for so long? He is the captain afterall.”

“Iyan is second in command, capable of doing all that Weles does.” she informs you. “The others respect him as much as they do Weles.”

Rhiannon snaps your leather trunk closed, having finished gathering all that you may need. “Besides, that’s the least of your worries. Where we are going is a place hardly anyone has ever ventured. Stygai is the territory of the darkin and other shadow creatures. Things that shouldn’t be alive dwell there.”

Entering your chambers with a plate of cooked meat, Siofra sets it down on the bed next to a dozing Latilth who promptly wakes up at the smell. Crawling on her belly, she begins to toss back her breakfast with delight. You and Rhiannon chuckle at what a messy eater she was.

While helping you dress, Siofra comments “I wonder how big Latilth will be when you come back.”

Inanna nods. “She’ll certainly be a sight to see.”

At hearing her name, Latilth hobbles away from her plate and stretches her wings in an attempt to fly to you. Her wing strength was still weak, only being two days old, and was unable to pick up any air. Upset, she squawks unhappily until you go to her and allow her to scramble onto your shoulder. Her nails certainly scratched up your skin but it was a small price to pay.

Sirvart is called upon as are Ilta and Vidarr to help with your two personal trunks and one of Rhiannon’s.

During your trek through the temple to the docks that were below the cliff, red priests and priestesses alike joined your entourage silently to see you off. Even a handful of temple slaves sneaked away to add themselves to your retainers. Some sang hymns and others prayed for R’hllor to watch over you and your companions.

The sun was barely an hour into the sky when you made your way down the wooden staircase that curled up to the training ground. The Red Temple had their own section of docks for personal use. Nippy winds brushed your short hair away from your face and made you cling tightly to the little furnace that was Latilth. You could make out moving dots on the boardwalk leading to what assumed was your ship. They carried large crates up to the side of the ship where they would hoist it up with ropes up on the deck.

At the base of the cliff, you turn to Inanna and Siofra who had joined you up until that point. The rest of your group that you had accumulated on your way, watched up top. Dozens of figures clothed in various shades of red and orange.

“We all wish you great fortune on your journey, nuha kosh.” Siofra bows low, her tight curls on her head springing when she rises back up.

Inanna offers a small smile as she too bows. “Please be careful. All of you. We will make sure your brothers are taken care of.”

“Thank you. Both of you.” You take each by the hand and give them a small squeeze.

Rhiannon gives each of them a hug, lingering a few seconds longer with Siofra as she whispers something. When she pulls away, Siofra gives her a firm nod. “Don’t worry about us here. Take care of nuha kosh.”

You and Rhiannon depart from your group and follow Sirvart, Vidarr and Ilta to the wooden platform that leads up to the awaiting ship. Already your brothers were there speaking with Weles. Tyrion’s face was set in a stoic facade until he spotted you. One green and one black eye deceived how he was truly feeling. The breaking of your heart was definite at such a face. You were leaving him again. There was no worse thing than that knowledge and you half consider taking him with you.

You couldn’t be that selfish. Who knew what perils there were in Asshai. Tyrion was safer here with Jaime and the rest of the temple’s residences. They would protect him and raise him in your stead. Asshai was no place for children let alone one like Tyrion. Ture that the myths you had been told about the darkin were false, but Inniros himself had verified the validity of the myths about his homeland. One could not tread safely in the Shadowlands. Many who iced there wore masks for belief that it protected them against such evils that lurked.

Tyrion gets Weles and Jaime’s attention, pointing to you and Rhiannon who were fast approaching. The three Fiery Hands move around them, briefly giving a salute to their captain before passing them to drop off the trunks.

Gloom settled above your brothers now that the time had come. This was really happening.

Tyrion clears his voice and quietly asks “Do you have everything?”

“Everything except for my brothers.” You sigh and bend down to gather a stiff Tyrion in your arms. Close to the side of his face, Latilth preens his unruly curls. Eventually Tyrions does melt into your embrace. “I’ll bring you a souvenir.”

He shakes his head, face buried in your chest. “Just come back safely and soon.”

Tears brimmed your eyes and with great reluctance, you release Tyrion and quickly wiped your eyes. You’re faced with Jaime now.

Jaime. . .

Vague memories of last night dance in your head but you couldn’t quite put everything together yet.

Conflicting emotions waged war inside of you. Since leaving Westeros it had only ever been the two of you. How would you survive without his reassuring presence? Your relationship with Jaime has come a long way. Through childhood he had been a complete stranger. Now he was the one person in the world you were closest to.

You throw your arms around his waist and hide your face in his robes. Jaime’s powerful arms encircle around you. Yes, this felt familiar. Did you hug him last night as well? The two of you were never really a physical pair, but you couldn’t help yourself now that you were leaving him.

Where did you even begin to tell him how much you loved him? How important his presence was in your life. You had grown to cherish Jaime. Your younger self would have never considered Jaime an important figure in your life.

You bite your lip and simply tighten your hold. Words could never describe the loneliness you would feel without him. Your tears were enough to tell Jaime.

Abruptly, Jaime lets go and takes a step back. Understanding his action, you gently smile at him. He tries to hide his face by looking away from you. Warming your heart was the knowledge that Jaime would miss you just as much.

“Both of you behave while I’m gone.” You sniffle, barely able to maintain even a small smile.

Tyrion nods and gives your hand one last squeeze. “Next time you leave for another far off land, I’ll be ready to go with you.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Tyrion was proving to be a man of his word. Next time he will be ready. The next journey you plan on making will be back to Westeros. Once Latilth was big enough to carry you and your brothers.

Weles turns around to wave at the approaching Melisandre, Inniros and the red priest who must have been Rayzer. The priest had long, dirty blonde hair and the telltale fire priest flames tattooed on his olive skin. He carried only a burlap sack and a leather pouch hanging from his sash.

“Good, looks like those who need to be here are present. And no one else.” Just to make sure, her red eyes scan the docks. Sirvart and the other two Hands were walking back up but other than that is was your small group. A few yards away were fishermen going about their daily lives, unaware of the dark destination your ship was routed for.

The red priest smiles at you and bows. “It’s a pleasure to actually meet you, nuha kosh. I am Rayzer, but you may call me Ray.” Smile lines crinkled around his brown eyes and mouth as he spoke. Most of his hair was gathered in a top know while the rest easily flowed on to his shoulders.

“The other red priests were just briefing Ray on his duties for this trip. Of course Iomhar put in his piece on how Ray should behave.” Rhiannon rolled her eyes and gave Latilth a scratch under her chin. Evidently she enjoyed such attention for it made her normally unblinking eyes closes with content.

Ray’s eyes sparkle when his gaze lands on Latilth. “Extraordinary! I had seen glimpses of the dragon last night but I didn’t get the chance to actually approach you.”

You notice how precise his Common Tongue was. Many of the hands and priests you have met had heavy accents. Ray didn’t seem to have one. His speech was that of a native to Westeros.

With a smile, you show Ray the honor he bestowed upon you with a small curtsy akin to what you would see in the Seven Kingdoms. “Thank you for coming with us. Our journey will be safer with you in attendance.”

He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. “I will do my best, nuha kosh.”

Melisandre turns to look at a very quiet Inniros. “Shall we board then?”

Stiffly, Inniros nods and makes his way for the ship, brushing past you in the process but not before shooting Jaime a suspicious glance. Jaime’s demeanor changed to almost one of hostility.

Not phasing Inniros, he continues his stride; Melisandre feet behind him.

This was it.

One last group hug with your brothers, you turned to follow them. While your stomach performed acrobatic tricks inside of you, you breathe deeply and place your foot securely on the first rung of the dangling ladder. Latilth peeks over your shoulder, pressing her body closer to your neck to prevent herself from falling over. Men waited above once you reached the edge of the deck. They helped you onboard, making sure your feet were planted firmly on the creaking wood floors. Your brothers were so small on the docks yet your eyes held onto them for as long as you could. Siofra’s tonic, working its way through you, prevented the wave of nausea that would have swept you up from being on the sea again.

The wind air exciting her, Latilth clambers off of you and jumps onto the much taller Inniros who had just been pulled up. Inniros eyes the dragon on his shoulders, stoic as ever. In a soft tone, he starts speaking to her in a language you had never heard before. Having traveled through most of Essos, you had thought you had experienced all the languages out there.

A breeze tickles the back of your neck sending a chill through you. You close your eyes and pray to whoever would listen:

Please take care of Jaime and Tyrion.

Rhiannon’s cheek lands on your shoulder but did not startle you. “They will be okay. Trust in Ser Jaime.”

You press your head against her’s. “I do. That does nothing to alleviate how lonely I will be without them.”

“You may not have your brothers, but you have your sister.” She smiles.

You hug Rhiannon. That was right. Rhiannon was your sister; blood be damned. You weren’t accustomed to having a decent sister, this would be a good change.

“Ladies, will you join me in a small prayer for safe travels?” Rayzer bumps in, separating you and Rhiannon.

Nodding, you grab his hand with your left and Rhiannon with your right. Melisandre and Weles joined the small circle, leaving Inniros as the odd man out. He stood off to the side, making sure not to get in any sailor’s way while also scratching Latilth atop her head.

Letting go of Rayzer’s hand, you hold your now free one out to Inniros, beckoning him to join.

Hesitantly, Inniros leaves his spot to awkwardly situate himself in between you and Rayzer. The fire priest smiles and offers his hand to Inniros. “You don’t have to do anything. Just being in this very spot is good enough.”

Inniros tilts his face down, wanting to avoid any eye contact with the others in your circle. You hadn’t missed the sharp stare that Melisandre fixed on him nor the twitch in Weles’ sword arm. There was still unfriendly air swirling around them.

You grab his hand, surprised at how warm his palm was. His frame went rigid at your touch but you simply offered him a smile. From the angle you had of him, you could only see the eye patch that hid his missing orb. Slowly his fingers curl around your's, reciprocating your offer. Latilth hopped from Inniros' shoulder to your's and in an odd way, she bowed her head as if listening to Rayzer's impromptu sermon.

Rayzer’s prayers in the Valyrian tongue was more beautiful than any poem and reassured you that you would return to Volantis soon.

Taglist:

@boywivlove

@esposadomd

@domoron

@yentroucnagol

@enchantingcupcakecollectionfan

@bregarc

[welikeimagines-andfandoms]

100 Random Prompts

1. “I fucking hate you, but I don’t hate fucking you”

2. "I get so hard when I'm around you. I've tried fucking other people and pumping my cock every night and yet my body craves you."

3. “How did you manage to hurt your hand this badly?” “Well I’ve never punched someone before, I didn’t realise how hard peoples faces are.”

4. “I love you and I hate you all at the same time.”

5. “Yeah, sometimes I get sad, but then I look into your beautiful eyes and it’s all better.”

6. “You like when I call you ‘princess’? Will you be my good little princess?”

7. “If you do this, I’ll show you my boobs”

8. “Has the fire revealed any secrets in the 15 straight minutes you’ve been staring at it?”

9. “Please don’t leave.”

10. “I’m here, it’s okay, no one will ever hurt you like that ever again”

11. “Guess we’re the only two idiots in the whole city stupid enough to go to a museum in the middle of a thunderstorm”

12. “You deserve to be looked after.”

13. “Give me a kiss, and everything will be alright.”

14. “I just want to die”

15. “We’ve got to hide!”

16. “Scream my name so everyone knows who fucks you this good”

17. "I'm sorry." "You have nothing to apologise for, darling.”

18. “Bend over, slut”

19. “Ned i postog a nin, ni bant” (When you lie beside me, I am complete)

20. *gets insulted* “aawww thank you.”

21. “Le i velethril nîn” (You are my love)

22. “A warrior out there, but in here, in this bedroom, you’re nothing but a little weak whore.”

23. “I just feel so drained.”

24. “What happened to you to make you so wise?”

25. “If I’m being mean to someone, I’m probably flirting.” “Is that why you’re always mean to (character)?”

26. “Thiol vae” (You look good)

27. “I just did it to make you jealous.”

28. “Stay nice and still for me, baby, just like that. Let me take care of you.”

29. “You know you sure do have a lot of teeth for someone so stupid.”

30. “They do realise I can understand what they’re saying, right?”

31. “Would you like to dance with me?” “only if you don’t get upset if I accidentally step on your foot”

32. “Fuck, I need you so bad!”

33. “I think it’s best I leave”

34. “I’ll never forget you.”

35. “How clever of an insult, and how quickly you thought of it. Very surprising for someone so dim witted.”

36. “I’m not afraid. Please touch me.”

37. “Of course you can stay.”

38. “I wish you well.”

39. “Come down here so I can kiss you!”

40. “Fuck, turn around for me, princess.”

41. “No gûn annin” (Bend over for me)

42. “You look so lovely on your knees, sweet boy.”

43. “You’re so pretty”

44. “What’s that?” “Trinket, I like trinkets”

45. “You deserve nice things”

46. “Our sweet girls pussy is so tight!"

47. “Take your shirt off!” “Why?!” “Distract them from the pain!”

48. “Darling I’m (hundreds/thousands) of years old, that isn’t vintage/old to me.”

49. “I’m doing this because I want to and not because you told me to”

50. “You belong here, in my arms, forever.”

51. “You lied to me”

52. “Borrow my jacket, keep it nice and warm for me”

53. “You look so divine when you dance.”

54. “You look lovely, Y/N.” “Please don’t lie or pity me so.”

55. “Le vaethor veleg” (You are a mighty warrior)

56. “Ni am gin anin lû hen?” (Can I be on top this time?)

57. “Stop fucking swearing”

58. “aran vuin” (Beloved king)

59. “I hope you don’t mind.”

60. "Those for me, sweet girl?" "Oh! It was gonna be a surprise but yes, yes they are."

61. “I love when you wear a skirt/dress, it’s so much easier to fuck you like this.”

62. “Life doesn’t feel so bad when I’m with you.”

63. “You don’t know a thing about me!”

64. “I failed them! They died and I failed them! It’s all my fault!”

65. “You’re such a little thing, and we can have you anyway we please.”

66. “Trust me, Y/N! (Character) likes you!” “Don’t lie to me!”

67. “Baby, tits arent supposed to be perky and perfect. They’re supposed to be soft and natural and beautiful like yours”

68. “I’m not your servant, I’m not your slave, but you could be mine if you like.”

69. “I know we don’t know each other very well but I’m really sick and I need you to pick me up from work, please.”

70. “It’s alright, my love, don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out together.”

71. “No, stay. You’re warm and soft”

72. “Trust me, I adore you.”

73. “Avo dharo!” (Don't stop!)

74. “You know I could kill you if I wanted to.” “Do it then, I really don’t care.”

75. “I might be little but I can still kick your ass”

76. “I just don’t know if I can do this anymore”

77. “Of course I will serve you, my prince/princess/king/queen/lord/lady.”

78. “You wouldn’t know anything about this (character), but it’s exhausting being this gorgeous, and I need a lot of sleep.”

79. “Its real cold tonight. You wanna come over and keep me nice and warm?”

80. “That sounded dirtier than I intended”

81. “You don’t have to be alright, you know”

82. “How can I love myself, when I’m so draining to everyone?”

83. “Please! I’ve been such a good boy/girl!”

84. “You just want to be used so fucking badly don’t you, sweet thing?”

85. “Please! I was a fool and I can not apologise enough! Please y/n…. Please….”

86. “Do you need a hug?”

87. “Come on, princess, hop on my back”

88. “What you makin’?” “Chocolate cake. You wanna help?”

89. “Don’t leave. Please?”

90. “Why do you always annoy me so much?” “Coz you’re sexy when you’re angry.”

91. “That’s better, isn’t it? You just needed to be filled with my cock”

92. “That’s the cutest sneeze I’ve ever heard.”

93. “Istog an challas perian maer” (You do know what hobbits are the right height for)

94. “Oh fuck, sweetheart”

95. “I’ll punch you in your stupid face!”

96. “Tonight I will be the powerful warrior, and you will be the tiny mortal beneath me. You will worship and praise me like the goddess I am.”

97. “Aaaaww! Aren’t you sweet!”

98. “Hey” “*flirting* Oh, heeeyy” “No! Absolutely not!”

99. “You don’t scare me.” “Yeh, but I bet I turn you on.”

100. “Are you going by to be good for me?” “Ye-yes.” “Good girl. If you do behave I’ll give you a reward.”

[lunarriviera]

another thrilling spirealm update

henlo my friends yes it's that time once again where i tell you what is happening on the bizarrely named drama "the spirealm," i am at episode 25 having shotgunned it all weekend and i have thoughts, opinions, and a gabillion screencaps of ruan nanzhu looking stricken, i finally had to stop taking them because he has the exact same face of devastated yearning in all of them and i was filling up my cloud drive. spoilers ahoy! [parts one and two are here if you even care]

as just mentioned, ruan nanzhu spends his time looking either 1) icily indifferent (when people who aren't qiushi are talking to him and/or dying in front of him, to his vast annoyance) or 2) torn asunder by pangs of desire (whenever he's staring at qiushi, who's babbling obliviously about science or clues or absolutely nothing of any importance whatsoever). here is a representative screencap but he has this look on his face pretty much continually, like he's just been hit by a car. a car of love.

it makes me put my head in my hands and scream quietly, i haven't seen a BL actor who understood the assignment this well since zhang xincheng or maybe even z1l. (who all clearly not only read the novel but underlined it, highlighted it, and stuck in colored post-it notes.) when not busy with adoration, he swans around being magnificent in a frockcoat like he's edward rochester, while lin qiushi trails behind him wearing a fit he got out of the goodwill box in his college dorm.

in spite of being besties with a literal fashion icon, at no point does it ever seem to occur to lingling "hm maybe i should dress a bit more formally for my imminent demise inside the doors"—no, instead he proudly wears his ratty sweatshirt with holes in it. which i sort of think might belong to huang junjie. idk maybe qiushi trusts it, and feels safe in it, hey look at that i made it sad.

massive power couple energy. also notice how their outfits are exact black-and-white negatives of each other, the harper's bazaar wedding photoshoot would have been so goddamn lit.

taking a brief moment for a shoutout to this guy. chen fei i don't even know what your fate will be but i already know you deserved better. not only do you patch everyone up with your veterinary knowledge, but i have seen your unrequited love. it did not go unobserved. you would have been a great partner, you're unimpressed by everything and drink your soy milk with chilling apathy. i'm real sorry the theatre gay didn't love you back. you're too similar i guess.

back to lin qiushi who has the worst case of main character energy since harry freaking potter. somehow the game is about him??? he has trauma??? none of this was in the novel and i'm just pretending it's not happening until it becomes impossible to ignore. in the meantime he continues to sympathize with door ghosts because he's just that nice of a guy. (EXCEPTION: nanzhu literally murdered two competitors bc they threatened his darling, and lin qiushi helped him cover it up. i was appalled for like 5 minutes then i shrugged. it's a cutthroat game, the doors change people. also it's like captain mal used to say: if someone tries to kill you, you kill 'em right back.) i have big Theories about what is fixing to happen but for now i will end by relating that lin qiushi has gone into a door alone, because he wants to butch up and be a better partner for ruan nanzhu. and that would be a great idea and super helpful except that nanzhu IMMEDIATELY WENT OUT OF HIS MIND WITH BLIND TERROR. outwardly of course he gives no signs of this (other than hiring someone to protect his fragile boyfriend, which, if lingling figures this out, ruan nanzhu will be sleeping on the sofa forever).

here he is pushing food around his plate miserably at lingling's funeral pre-solo-door party. everyone is having such a fun time.

and here he is standing in front of the door waiting like a dumb wounded animal. i have a feeling if lin qiushi doesn't emerge at 15 minutes on the dot, nanzhu will simply expire on the spot, like a wolf separated from its mate. maybe that's the end of the spirealm JUST KIDDING, we still haven't gotten to the part where they're on either side of a different door wailing at each other. i really need lin qiushi to stop being such a cheery equanimous little frat boy and START SUFFERING, can we get some mutual pining up in this bitch. (also i need his hair to change in the traditional BL post-wedding hairstyle alteration because i can't remember at this point if huang junjie even HAS a forehead under that vast curtain of bangs)

to sum up, we've had a) sexy handfeeding of lychees b) tender cat fur removal from face and c) stalking your pretty boyfriend aggressively against the wall so you can…offer him a packet of disinfectant. in the novel of course nanzhu bites him and yes xia zhiguang absolutely knows that's what he's supposed to be doing here, we love to see it.

oh and also d) "i'll protect you. i'll protect you forever."

SOON: THE THRILLING CONCLUSION. IT'LL BE SO FUCKING SAD. PS unrelated to any of this but the OST SLAPS and i sing along every time now, that opening song is an unskippable cut scene of a banger

PS gonna be sad when [redacted] dies, he's a real card. and that other person dies too. and that third person. shit it's about to get messy

[itsgrimeytime]

Home is Where the Heart is (Part Seven) || Farmer!Rick Grimes (TWD) x Teacher!GN!reader AU

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

Taglist: @1tsk1tty

rick grimes taglist: @golden-hoax @mgparker

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Inspiration: Like Real People Do by Hozier and Begin Again by Taylor Swift.

Summary: Your life was spinning out of control, you knew that. After a string of particularly shattering events, you decided it was time to start anew. With a little help from one of your Grandma's rentals, you found yourself in the small town of Alexandria. The last thing you expected was your neighbor, Rick Grimes.

TWs: a little angsty (but Rick is there to fix it), crying, infidelity, broken engagement, thunderstorms, and heartbreak.

[[A/N: You finally tell Rick your story. Get my hurt/comfort girlies in here!!! Because you are about to EAT. Enjoy :))]]

You blinked, the dark of the night peeking through your windows and the pounding of the rain on your roof filling your ears.

Flashing to your phone, your eyes flickered over the time -'3:25 AM'.

You groaned, rolling over into the other side of your bed -comforter moving with you. You tried to close your eyes again, picture something beautiful, something nice and calm-

A loud crack of thunder echoed through the night.

"Jesus Christ," you muttered -moving back over to the other side, maybe it was bad luck.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to wordlessly situate your body -everything still felt uncomfortable. You were trying though, desperately. It wasn't like you had any plans the next day, you just... you wanted to sleep. Needed to sleep.

It had been a rough day, and all you could think about was-

"I need the ring back," he said, nothing even faltering over his face -no pity, regret, nothing.

How could he show up after a year of nothing?

Your eyes shot open, breath heavy in your chest -god. You hadn't thought about that in so long, you thought you were-

"There's someone else, always has been."

Your stomach turned, and your eyes got foggy -you swallowed, dryly. This wasn't fair, you were so far away -you were starting over. He doesn't deserve to haunt you like this.

You wasted three years on him, and he took one second to ruin it all. You were supposed to get married-

With a sob racking up your throat, you finally caved -throwing back the blanket. Blinking up at your ceiling, you tried so desperately to stop the tears -he didn't deserve to make you cry anymore.

You thought you were doing so much better.

The sob squeaked out of your lips before you could hold it back, arms reaching out to hold against yourself -squeezing. Your heart, even though it was distant, shattered in your chest; you could feel what you felt then -the exact same.

Blearily through tears, you grabbed your phone -breaths hollowing out your lungs and mind running so wild. Good god, why did it hurt so bad?

Your finger dashed through your conversations, hovering over the contact. Grandma 💞. Something in your froze solid, she'd always been so wrapped up in this, it wasn't fair-

You set your phone back down, sitting properly on the side of the bed -putting your elbows on your knees, and covering your eyes with your hands. Breaths rattled out of you, but they weren't getting any slower; the sobs had stopped, but the tears kept going. It took you a few minutes there to realize this wasn't going to go alone.

Wiping at your eyes, you let out a big breath -eyes moving to the window. The sky was getting that kind of bright it did in the early mornings, and through the rain splashing against your window, you could see the blue shingles of-

You paused. Rick.

"If you ever... need anythin', I'm just a door down. Anythin'."

"I'll make time for ya, you're more important than that other stuff anyway, darlin'."

You were sliding your shoes on before you could even second guess it.

It was like you were on autopilot, you felt the rain -heavy on your clothes. You knew it was cold -goosebumps rattling across your skin, but you couldn't feel it.

And all you could hear was the pounding of your heart in your ears, and the boom of the thunder -you weren't sure which one made your hands shake. Your lip was trembling and your breath catching in your throat -you blearily stepped toward his house.

The puddles sloshed around you, soaking through your shoes but your mind wasn't thinking of that. Just the quiet timber of his voice, the twinkle in his smile, the all-encompassing woodsy smell he seemed to carry around, and his eyes -so blue.

All you could think was that you wanted him, needed him. You weren't exactly sure why, but it felt like you were broken into pieces and he was the only thing that could fix it.

By the time you reached shelter under his porch though, you were soaked -tears washing down your face just as consistent as the rain was moments before. Your hands were shaking and your chest was heavy, your hand felt so far away.

With a breath, your knuckles brushed onto the door -a quiet knock, but one all the same.

You took a deep breath in and had a moment where you realized just what you were doing. Guilt twisted into your gut, as your head swirled, showing up at his house at 3 am was not what he meant.

But your feet wouldn't move, you tried so hard to turn yourself back into the rain -maybe it would help if you stayed out there a little more. Bring you down to earth, make your mind clearer.

You won't put this on him, you reprimanded yourself, he doesn't deserve it. You should just go home and-

"Do ya 'ave any idea what ti-"

His voice was cut short, blue eyes settling on you -detailing over your soaked clothes and the redness you knew to be under your eyes. He hesitated only a little.

"Is everythin' okay, darlin'?"

Something in you snapped, tears falling faster and breaths puffing out of your chest -the tiniest whimper echoing through your lips.

Rick rushed forward at the noise, stepping out of his house without a second thought -hands gently holding your face, keeping your eyes locked on him, "Hey, hey, sweetheart, it's okay, I've gotcha. You're safe-"

You didn't say anything, sniffling a little pathetically -but something in you calmed ever so slightly. His eyes trained on you and the warmth of his hands, you felt safe.

"-c'mon, let's get ya inside."

His hands moved quickly, wrapping around your hand and pulling you inside without hesitation. Another sob riled up through your throat, and Rick turned to the noise without another thought.

"Breathe, baby, you're alright," he hummed -taking your hands and placing them on his chest, "-follow my lead."

Your mind halted, watching the up and down of his chest -mindlessly you acknowledged the stain your hands were leaving on his shirt and the dripping water staining his floor.

"Good, you're doing real good, darlin'," he praised, blue eyes watching you with something so gentle you couldn't quite name.

When he finally seemed satisfied with your breathing, he brought you to a chair in the hallway -letting your hands leave his chest, "Stay 'ere, alright? I'll be right back with some fresh clothes and a towel."

You nodded your head, words couldn't make their way up your throat. The house felt so warm and welcome, you felt better just by sitting there. Your eyes just lingered on a family photo on the wall, Rick's big smile.

Before you could blink, he was back -towel and clothes in hand. With a thought, he placed the stack beside you -getting on his knees, and fidgeting with your laces. Gently, as if you were made of fragile china, he pulled them off -putting them close to the door, where you saw a few other pairs lined up.

"We'll dry 'em later," he spoke, absent-mindedly, almost to himself.

"C'mon," he held out his hand, the other holding the towel clothes to his chest, "-let's getcha changed. 'At okay, sweetheart?"

"Yeah," you whispered, roughly, accepting his hand as he led you to the bathroom.

"Dry yourself off, change," he spoke, leading you into the room for privacy -blue eyes carefully skating across your face, "-I'll be right 'ere, waitin', okay? I'm not leavin' ya."

Something in your chest stung, he won't leave you.

You pulled the door shut, quietly getting undressed -clothes falling to the floor with a plop, soaked. And dabbing yourself with the towel, it wasn't going to all go away but you tried. Finally, you pulled on the dry clothes -your nose was overwhelmed with just... Rick, and you distantly realized they must be his.

Without thinking, you chanced a look in the mirror. Your eyes were puffy and red, tear streaks clear on your face -your fingers rushing up to rub at them, wipe them away. His shirt was big, sleeves going down farther than intended and hanging a little further than your hips; the pants were the same, you used the string to tie them tight against your waist.

A pair of socks fell to the floor. You smiled a little picking up the bundle and putting them on -he'd even got you socks?

Quickly, toweling off your face and hair, you let out a big sigh and roamed back to the door.

Just like he said, Rick was leaning against the table -pajamas still wet from your hands, and hair mussed from sleep. He seemed a little distracted then, worry furrowing his brow, but then he saw you.

His eyes flickered something bright, trailing over the clothes for a moment too long -like he was appreciating the sight, "There ya are."

He seemed to see you were more relaxed then, but even still, he approached you slowly, and cautiously. Experimentally stepping closer, he waited for a reaction -consent. The idea of him handling you so gently made you want to cry for an entirely different reason.

So, without a word, you stepped forward and wrapped your arms around his neck -digging your face into it. The scruff there buzzed along your skin, but you didn't mind -you just wanted him everywhere, and it felt like it was here. It felt safe.

Slowly, his hands gathered around your waist -hands warm and pressed into your skin like he wanted you to know he was there. With a slow movement, he turned his head and pressed a kiss to your temple -carefully.

Your eyes teared up, when was the last time you'd been held like this?

"I'm sorry," you whispered into his skin.

Rick seemed to take a moment, before carefully pulling you back to face him, calloused fingertips trailing your jaw -tilting you to look at him, "'S no reason to be sorry, sweetheart."

"I woke you up at 3 am because-" you started, but your voice stopped suddenly in your throat.

He looked at you, concern filtering through his gaze and eyebrows furrowing, "Let's go sit down. We can talk if ya want to, ya don't 'ave to say anythin' though."

That's how you ended up here, on his couch -curled into his side with his arm wrapped around you, and hand absent-mindedly tracing circles into your back.

The patter of the rain against the windows made your head go a little fuzzy, and being this close to him didn't exactly help either. All you could smell was the slight scent of rain and just Rick, and with your head pressed into his neck and shoulder, you could feel the heat thrum under his skin.

Every few moments you could feel him glance at you, but your eyes stayed focused on the rain against the windows.

Your mouth opened before you could really think about it.

"I had a fiancé."

The boom of thunder outside broke up the silence for a moment, Rick only listening quietly. You knew he was because his hand moved to your shoulder -squeezing it once solidly and then going back to circles.

"Back in the city," you clarified, moving a hand to fidget with the shirt you were wearing, "-he... We were together for three years."

Silently, his free hand pulled yours away from the shirt -lazily pulling it onto his lap, and interlocking your fingers. He squeezed it once.

There was a breath.

You could feel the words brush into the air, "What happened?"

You bit your lip, gnawing into it for a second, "He disappeared for a year. Wouldn't return my calls, and left all of his stuff."

Rick stayed quiet -patiently.

"We had friends that he talked to, so I... I knew he was alive," you breathed out -taking your interlocked hands and separating them, just so you could run your fingers over the creases in his palm, "-but I didn't see him until a few months before I... before I came here."

He let out a breath, squeezing your shoulder again.

"It was over, I already knew that I just didn't know why-" your voice cracked a little, and Rick turned his head to kiss the top of yours without hesitation, "-He showed up and asked me for the ring back."

You leaned further into him, and he neatly adjusted -fingertips pressed into the skin of your shoulder.

"Told me..." you started, eyes getting a little watery and tone a little wet, "-Told me there was someone else, that he- That he had been cheating on me the whole time, and he needed the ring to... to propose to her."

Rick tensed up for a moment, jaw tightening.

"I took all his stuff to my Grandma's, so he could get it from there, and she-" you mindlessly traced a line in his palm, "-she told me to come here, that she'd take care of everything. Told me about the job and the house she rents out and I..."

You fell silent a moment.

"Never looked back," you continued, "-and I just couldn't get that day out of my head, when he... when he needed the ring."

He hummed, fingers rubbing against your shoulder rhythmically. Back and forth like a ticking clock.

"I just... I kept wondering what I did wrong," you faltered, "-if I was... unlovable or something, or if he'd ever even loved me at all-"

"You didn't do anythin' wrong," he interrupted, it rumbled low in his chest -still slightly sleep-slurred but with conviction.

"How do you-"

"I know," he hummed, voice gruff but still so soft, "-If it's anyone's fault, baby, it's his."

Your heart picked up on the 'baby' this time, something in your mind clear enough to know he had said it now. And he meant it. You wondered briefly if he could hear it in your chest, or feel it.

"He took advantage of ya," he hummed -something tight in his tone, "-and whatever reason he did it for is bullshit."

He was mad, you could tell. Something in you felt so warm at him being mad for you, mad that someone had hurt you.

"Yeah?" You asked -small and barely there.

"'Course, sweetheart," he relented, soft and smooth, "-you didn't deserve any of 'at. No one does, but 'specially not you."

"I know," you said, quieter.

"Good," he responded, voice a little spent, "-dick didn't deserve ya anyway."

You laughed a little, fingers still pressed into his palm, and you could feel his chuckle vibrate through his chest. He pulled his hand away from your fingers to grab your other one, properly holding your hand this time. You felt his head tilt down to look at it, thumb rubbing the back of your hand.

"I wanna talk in the mornin' but," he started, voice low, "-I just want ya to know I'm not lettin' 'at happen to you again."

"How are you gonna-"

"I wanna," he continued, slow and steady, "-I wanna try somethin' with you. And I don't want ya to answer now, I'm not expectin' ya to," his thumb kept rubbing into your skin -gentle swirls, "-but if we did. I'd never let 'at happen to ya again. Ever."

You pursed your lips together into a line, you didn't know what to say -your heart squeezed in your chest. This... this, with him, didn't hurt.

But it could one day, you thought distantly.

You shook it away, focusing on the motion of his chest; he didn't want you to answer now anyway.

"You wanna sleep?" He offered, voice a barely there whisper.

"Here?"

"'M not moving," he mumbled, voice just a touch more slurred, "-too comfortable."

You smiled a little, as he leaned into you slightly, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and making sure plenty rested on you, before moving to himself.

"Think on it, okay?" He hummed, fingers still tracing shapes on your back, "-'Ere's no rush, I'll wait as long as ya need me to."

You breathed out, situating yourself into his side as you fit perfectly -his arm tightened around you. Holding you in place, and all at once protecting you -from what you weren't sure, but it didn't matter.

Closing your eyes, with the rain pattering outside and Rick tight into your side (his breaths lulling you to sleep), your mind settled.

You already knew your answer.

[britneyshakespeare]

Had the extremely upsetting experience of a mutual of like 6 years going off on me for occasionally making posts about supporting Harris because apparently that makes me a g n cide denier who refuses to learn and grow, with all of my views just being assumed not even from what I've told them I believe or what I've posted before, but just because I DON'T post particularly the kind of things they THINK I should be. When I pointed out how much they were just completely assuming about stuff I'd never talked to them about, I was told it doesn't matter what I do in real life or "care" about if I simply disagree with their conclusion and vote for her anyway. Like they were absolutely not sorry for the level of maliciousness they not just assumed of my character, but for some reason thought appropriate to bring directly to me before unfollowing me. No apology whatsoever for how discomforting or upsetting that might be and certainly no acknowledgment that I could disagree with them and still be a good person. I just got another even longer rant about how they fundamentally can't fuck with me because of this one thing, no matter WHAT else I do in my real life (which I pointed out that they do not know), and how I'm directly supporting fascism.

Like seriously what is it about Tumblr that makes people think they know someone based off of occasional posts? There were just such DEEP assumptions they were making of me and going off of very little or absolutely nothing. Around the time I first became mutuals with that person I used to express my personality and beliefs and talk about what was going on in my life a lot more openly, but I've significantly scaled back on doing that in many ways for many reasons. One of my major ones is privacy and the way I've had strangers outside my followers and following circles just find random things I say and dogpile me for it. I was fundamentally changed after some T Fs did that to me like 3 years ago. I also just didn't have many conversations w that person anymore (I message people in general on here like 10x less than I did circa 2018-2019, which I'm somewhat sorry about!). My point is to say I think this person felt comfortable assuming that they knew me, especially who I am in 2024 at the age of 25, much better than they actually did.

One of the specific things they accused me of was being afraid of learning and growing (because I don't perform social media activism on here like they think I should). Like AFRAID to take criticism. When again I've never received criticism from them or had to respond to any criticism on here before as pertaining to my views on... well, absolutely any of the issues they accused me of not caring about. They essentially treated it as if the only thing in the world I cared about was the US election and characterized me as the most out-of-touch liberal they could possibly imagine, because I'm not "pushing" Kamala Harris to be better (Oh?? Should I do that on here?? Does she read my blog??).

And most hypocritically what they said was that I only *sometimes* *vaguely* post pro-Harris things (I often post like 5 or fewer things in a day though?). But here's the kicker. "Because I know I'll get shit for it. And rightfully so."

Really????? Not a single person, anon or not, in my messages or in a tagged post or anything, has ever given me shit before for saying who I'm voting for. I'm actually NOT afraid of "getting shit" for that opinion, I just don't start fights with people who are anti-voting. And why should I??? I genuinely don't believe in trying to change the minds of strangers on the internet about that sort of thing. I'm just not confrontational about it; that is so not the same thing as being "afraid of getting shit." I'm not posting ENOUGH about my support for Harris, therefore I'm afraid. But therefore they can also make all these assumptions about me being their strawman for an ignorant Harris supporter.

I'm afraid of getting shit but I still post anyway? But if I weren't afraid of getting shit I'd be posting a lot more?? This is ALL based on their assumptions of what my blog *should* look like, based on what I really and truly believe. My level of posting every now and then is an accurate gauge of my feelings on complex, sensitive, global issues. Because I'm voting for the Democratic presidential candidate and I'm ok sharing pretty much just that little glimpse of myself.

I really don't think that person knows just how inappropriate and insulting that is to just say all of that to me. Like they really know what's going on in my head. Their first message began and ended with like "I'm sorry I love you I just can't take it anymore" but they clearly weren't sorry enough to try and be more respectful to me, and they didn't love me enough not to default to extremely ungenerous assumptions and attacking me based off of those instead of any actual words I've said that they take issue with.

Online radicalization is real and it's not necessarily bad because your political views can start to fall well out of the contemporary Overton window. The way you find it appropriate to treat people whose views, however common, seem to fundamentally misalign with yours... that does matter. You can't just assume the worst of everyone and then act on that in how you approach them as individuals. And then be shocked that you don't stay friends with them. You can't be confrontational with someone about an issue you've never had an honest conversation about, and then expect them to take your bad faith in them as reasonable well-meaning criticism.

I'm afraid of criticism??? I'm afraid of criticism. No I'm not. This person and I have never had an issue before where they criticized me and I got harshly defensive. It was ALL projection. The entire tone of their messages was as if all their anti-voting posts recently were somehow in communication with the occasional go-vote-for-Harris posts that I make. That's not a conversation. I don't post for your satisfaction. I don't post in "response" to my mutuals I disagree with. I just post what's on my mind, sometimes, about some things. I really again can't stress enough how baffled I am by this

[gffa]

for the character ask game! dick grayson: 5, 16, 25

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them? Lmao please don't ask me this question, because I have zero musical taste--and I don't mean I have bad musical taste, I mean I have no taste whatsoever, I barely listen to music, and I have no funny suggestions! (Mostly because I don't care for most of the ~jokes~ about his physical body.) 16. What's your least favorite ship for this character? Fandom has made it extremely hard to like a lot of other Dick ships because literally half the fandom can't stop tearing down Dick/Babs to build up their ship, which means there's nothing there for me to like, all it does is make me think there's not much there, if the only content to come up with is ranting about another ship. Nobody's obligated to like Dick/Babs, nobody's even obligated to not rant about it, I know where my scroll button is, but also all it does is push me further away from the ship that was supposedly being sold in that post, because it seems like an unfun place to be. But my actual least favorite ship for Dick is probably Bruce/Dick because it's so close to what I want out of that relationship, except also a thousand miles away from it! Honestly, one of my oldest friends is a Bruce/Dick shipper and the overlap we have of views on the characters is probably like 85%, we just diverge on how that plays out and we both feel extremely strongly about how we dislike the other path, but that we respect the other person being on it. We both are really into the fucked up entanglement of the characters, the mirroring aspect they have of each other, the belief that the other is the pure version of who they're meant to be, the frustration of how much they love the other while also being mad at them for the distance between them, the co-dependent disaster relationship, etc. All of that is the same for both of us, we just diverge on the context for it. Which is fine in our friendship, we meet in the middle, but there have been times when I feel like the ship would be so delicious for me, because it would tunnel vision in on those aspects I like, but the thought of them so much as even smooching makes me look like I bit into a lemon. How dare fandom almost give me what I want and then take it away from me!!!! Like, I don't actually care that it exists as a ship, fiction is not in a 1:1 relationship with reality and I think a lot of us get blinded by how modern comics go hard on the father & son aspect, which I am into and think is fair to evolve them into, but that wasn't always true and it's not like Bruce/Dick came out of nowhere. It just denies me personally what I want and therefore it it is The Worst For Me Personally And Thus Jail For DC Fandom For One Thousand Years!!!! 25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now? Dick Grayson is my longest running Blorbo, like that guy invented Blorboism for me, before I ever had such a name for the concept. Dick Grayson has been my One True Character for 20+ years, nobody has ever unseated him, not Anakin, not Obi-Wan, not Thor, not Usagi, not Duo, not Tezuka, NONE OF THEM that I've lost my mind about. Dick Grayson came on the scene for me when I first watched B:TAS and hit my tiny little baby brain with his daddy issues on display and excellent Nightwing design in later episodes and the push-and-pull relationship with Babs and my fannish life has never been the same since. "That it. That's him. That's the one. That's the character I'm going to obsess over for the rest of my life." I must have said when I first saw him and I HAVE NOT BEEN PROVEN WRONG YET.

[verdemoun]

The gang would go batshit over decorations in modern times, i think. Plants. Charles probably has a lot of indoor plants. Somehow he keeps them alive. The house is 70% kitchen 25% plants and the 5% is other stuff (aka Not Relevant).

I'm not sure what they're called in English, but those little gel fuckers you can stick to a window? Yeah that. I'm looking at them as I'm typing this shit. The first person to get them in shape of bloody handprints (again, what I'm looking at, I'm absolutely projecting) is sentenced to death aka a rant from Bessie.

PAINTING OH GOD. Let's be honest, those interested in building/house renovation are divided into two groups. Technical stuff, aka Charles for example, and decorating. They tried to paint on furniture at least once. And it's pretty!! Hey, carving into wood isn't the only option anymore, furniture can be colorful! Those girls on social media that paint furniture and it's funky but also rly pretty??? Yeah that's happening. *glances at mr morgan*

Same for wall decorating. You mentioned Lenny's uhhh right okay i forgot what it was called in the middle of typing. I am. drunk actually. sorry lol. But that wall where he's gonna figure out who appears next? Yeah that was the start. Then came notes for his studies. Someone saw that and had a wait you can do that??? moment. Posters appear soon enough. Abigail wishes she could have double sided tape in Beecher's Hope. Jack's old drawings would be up on the wall, much to his embarrassment. Luckily for him, nothing survived.

I'm so normal abt this au okay

Took a week to reply because this is just a yes and post absolutely 100% nailed it you get it. A+ gold star sticker like lost my mind multiple times over this. Welcome to the timewarp brainrot you get a name badge and t-shirt official uniform of people who just get it. We're all so normal here.

Arthur might have a garden bed outside full of herbs for cooking but Charles is the king of indoor plants. Arthur is banned from touching them because he will overwater them and Charles will give him the quiet treatment. The plants are on the couch if people are coming over Charles will grumble about having to move his plants. The gang absolutely believe they miss 1899 camping so much they are trying to make their house look as much like outside as possible. These are not traditional houseplants there are vines and flowers and a homemade hydroponics set-up growing vegetables.

I love that shit it was Sean he was at least self-aware enough to know he'd get in trouble and put it on the window of his trailer/caravan only to be woken up by Bessie who was originally panicked he'd been hurt and then threatened to hurt him herself for putting bloody handprints on the window like she wasn't meant to panic. Still gives her a heart attack when she walks out. Lenny got annoyed he has no talent for drawing meanwhile Arthur successfully covered the whole kitchen window with mock stained glass that makes the house glow with the whole color spectrum when the sun catches it just right.

Mr Poor rancher John Martson is the worst at hoarding road-side furniture, has accidentally brought bed bugs into the house at least once. However Abigail queen of youtube adores fixing up and painting furniture with Arthur's help if she texts he knows it's a solid 50/50 their sons are in jail OR she needs to borrow the soda blaster again. By borrow she needs him to come over and do it she refuses to learn herself she just likes painting. Loves painting. Best in-laws ever fixing up furniture together. Arthur does the fine details like cabinets with birds and plants painted on the side so intricately.

Lenny's murder wall!! When they realize how much easier it is to pin things to walls than it is tents they all absolutely go nuts. Bessie struggles so much not wanting to interrupt them learning they can express themselves and feel stable enough in their new home to put their own personality into it but Sean goes through a phase of putting up take-away menus instead of posters and photos just because colorful. Abigail is so determined to let Jack be a kid she knows her poor boy grew up way too fast and is still trying to act like an adult despite being 19 she wants him to know he's always her baby. He certainly isn't much of a artist anymore but she will frame serviettes he scribbles poetry and song lyrics on to his mortification. First time she went to a hardware store she 'stole' almost every single paint color swatch and just pinned them up for a bit before realizing wait I can actually... buy paint. First thing she did was paint the kitchen blue. Lets her daughter draw on the walls. The centerpiece is a massive print of the blueprints to Beecher's Hope they found in an history archive, framed above the wall mounted gas heater in place of a fireplace.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

time's prophecy to 13 is like whatever, i generally dont really think abt it bc when i do it just feels a little like a contrivance to cut thasmin short, or more specifically to give 13 a reason to formulate why thasmin is getting cut short ie it just feels to me mainly as an in-universe way to say "hey so like we've got 3 episodes left theres not much we can do here"

but the other day i Was thinking abt it, or like it crossed my mind, that scene, that warning, that does little except verbalise to 13, with her own mouth, You Have No More Time

and i was like, thats actually like exactly what trauma does right? like that phenomenon where you are just convinced for no real concrete reason that youre dying within the next 1-5 years? i think i read that thats a ptsd thing once but idk. but you know the feeling, like, where youre stuck in the past and the future refuses to unfold? like it's just stuck. time is not moving forward. like there's a wall right in front of you and youre just like, im gonna walk into the wall. and maybe you feel like the wall is 1 year away or 5 but regardless, that 1 or 5 year can pass but the wall doesnt move. you know what i mean? like youre convinced you wont see your 20th birthday but youre actually already 25. just doesnt sink in.

i think thats what time's warning to 13 is. just the articulation of her own belief that shes running out of time. or that it had already run out before she even started. she starts her relationship with her companions with the assumption that it's temporary, even after they board for real: "you wont come back the same"

and if you look at it that way i think it's easier to deal with the jump from 13 to 14 or 15. not for yaz, obviously, shes still gonna be super upset abt it. but if 13 really genuinely entirely can not imagine the future that 14 has, can not imagine a future at all, like, it makes sense.

maybe she felt like she was dying but instead of the sentiment 10 expressed "some new man goes sauntering away and i am dead" she just stopped after the first sentence like "everything i am dies." stop. theres no After. theres nothing to imagine. theres no keeping yaz with her, theres no going back for her either. theres no continuation. theres no next. everything i am dies. and the world stops.

nightvale voice: death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.

but it's doctor who. she is the universe. what happens after the heat death of the universe? are you imagining settling down with a family who loves you? are you imagining heaven? after the heat death of the universe? the doctor doesnt believe in god.

[didnt-hear-idsb-live-again]

How do I even put this. Where do I even start. I tried to write a song but I don’t know what to even say because I don’t know if words can even touch what this feels like.

I have not set foot in one place that I was in the summer of 2022.

That was the summer of my first bus tour. My first big tour. The tour of my dreams. The kind of tour I’ve fantasized about being on since I was 15. The kind of tour that made me want to do this as a career. The whole tour package was a family in a way it has never been before or since. The opening bands took me out for ice cream some mornings. We all explored new cities together. We stayed out drinking until 4am. I had long talks with a random new person every day. I was creating the best work of my life. I was surrounded by 20 people or more at all times. I was making more than people my age with salaried jobs in finance.

On July 5, 2022, a part of me died. A part of me was ruined. A part of me was torn apart by a thousand hyenas while I was fed something to keep me alive, to force me to sit and watch in horror. A hand covered my mouth as I tried to scream. Nothing was ever the same. People talk of a light in my eyes that was present before it. Which hasn’t returned. And won’t. No matter how much time moves. Nothing will undo it and nothing will ever set it back. No innonence will return. My heart was cut open and a weight was put inside and I was stitched back together weighted but empty, and broken in a way where there will always be cracks.

On June 25, 2022, ten days before, I was in the room I’m in right now. I don’t remember anything about it because it was blocked out by the horror that came after, and yet being here now I’m remembering everything. DoorDash fucked up my order. There was a rave in the downstairs part of the venue. We could participate from the balcony. We spent a lot of time out there. The room was sweaty. The night was sweaty. It felt free like the summer that was laid out before me, seemingly endless. The show was good. I SEE it. I see it unfolding before my eyes as I stand here like a movie I’m watching. My memories are never that vivid.

It was 10 days before the day that would kill me off and I didn’t even know.

I checked out of that tour after it happened. It was hard to try. It was hard to think. It was hard to focus. I was there but I was a ghost. My mind was somewhere else. All I remember about the whole thing is The Empty. It got worse as the days passed. The people around me cared but they were afraid for me. Because they knew it could get worse. They knew the tour was the only thing holding me together. They told me I needed to hold it together because if it was too obvious something happened and too many people asked too many questions, the wrong people would find out WHAT happened. And I’d have to be gone for optics.

They were right to say that because it’s the cruel way the world works. But it understandably made it harder to focus. I was there and I watched the days roll by, but half of me was a ghost. I cried every singular moment no one was looking. I had many shoulders to cry on but strangers could only be that so many times. They told me, “Holly, don’t fuck up this opportunity for yourself. Don’t you dare do it”. I still hear their voices ringing in my head when they said it. I heard it in my head all summer. And I knew they were right, so I didn’t fuck up the career part of it.

But so it goes, it was the best summer of my life and I don’t remember any of it because a tsunami washed over it and dragged it and pummeled it and washed it away until there was nothing left. I don’t feel that many ways about what happened anymore, if I don’t have to think about it. But what I do feel, is the fact that I lost that summer to sea.

And now here I am in this room that saw me back when everything was fine; 10 days before Vesuvius exploded, unaware that anything happened at all. Washing the memories back over me of the last 10 days I’ll ever be able to have felt lightness about me. The last 10 days I didn’t have something I had to lock away. The last 10 days I felt capable of people knowing everything about me and that fact feeling safe. Feeling like aspects of me could be relatable to anyone, before knowing that my greatest heartache I’ll ever feel in this life was so unique, so strange, a depth and genre of pain no one around me could EVER feel, or begin to even imagine. A level on which I will never be fully understood by anyone, ever again. I tell some people because it comes up and I pretend I’m over it. But I tell them because of a strange compulsion. Not because I feel safe. A new part of me finds a way to die every time I think about it. And this room saw me right before it all. When my world was still beautiful, when the light still came in.

Nothing about this room knows.

But I’m in this room, and I know.

I see all of the ghosts.

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[infinityactual]

Ngl, being (apparently exactly) half your age is fun because making people about my mom's age feel Old is enrichment for me (love u, have a nice day)

Hey man I love feelin old.

It's funny, growing up undiagnosed autistic and adhd in an abusive, authoritarian household really messed up my perception of what growing up is like. I have since officially cut contact with my abusive family (they didn't even react aside from signing the registered mail receipt lolololol) but even before that, I often thought a lot about what its like being in my thirties.

(Brief mentions of assault and abuse below he cut, nothing detailed just mentions as examples for context. This got a little rambly, I've had a lot on my mind regarding age the last few years.)

And being that old? It's. Not different. The phrase 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' never really made sense to me as a kid, but it hits home nowadays. I'm still me, but between growing and learning as I age and the realization that I'm probably not who I was told I was, it makes sense. I change. But I stay the same. It's like adding extra paint to a canvas. It's still a canvas, but there's more to it now. It will always be a canvas, but it's a canvas that is also different than it was before. It's changed, but it's the same.

My mom is one of those people who (literally at times) beat into me that if you got assaulted or raped or murdered, it was somehow YOUR fault for being too stupid or dressing too provocative or some other bullshit reason, and that I was sooo trusting and sooo stupid that I would probably end up dead before I hit 25.

And being on the spectrum and adhd and...well, a fuckin CHILD, I believed it.

It took three therapists and a psychiatrist, plus pretty much everyone I talk to going "Uh hey [x] isn't normal, that's abuse and you probably have [y] issues" for it to really sink in that my mother was wrong. That happened in 2020, right at the start of lockdown. Almost 5 years later and I still get kicked in the head with past traumas. I'm still sorting everything out. It's gonna take a while.

But I'm 38. Over a decade past the age when I thought I'd be dead. And only this year after deciding not to let the trauma and bad memories surrounding my birthday did I really understand how fucked up it is to fully expect to be dead at a young age without any sort of preexisting issues going on (it's also not a good way to live if you DO have medical issues that could kill you, but that is not what I'm getting into today).

I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it's not a 'my death could happen any second' feeling, it's a more insidious 'what if my death comes from my spouse, whom I love and trust implicitly?' thing, with an added feeling of anxiety because on bad brain days I try to look for red flags where there are none.

And the real kicker: that sort of trust was already violated when I was a toddler, possibly younger, and kept being violated till I left home.

It's a lot to think about. Like several boxes of puzzles all dumped on the floor at once. I pick through the pieces, sometimes things click, but mostly it's just a mess.

But I am glad I lived. I'm glad that I am still here to prove that I'm not 'too stupid' to survive. I like being the server dinosaur on Discord. I like being there for younger folks who went through or still are in the shit. Cos I'm proof it gets better. I'm proof that abusers are liars and so are the mental problems abuse instills in a mind. They're liars that tell you horrible things. I argue back. I have gotten into the habit of responding to the thoughts in my mother's voice yelling at me by telling her she can fuck off.

She can fuck off and I'll still be here loving the same shit I did in school. In fact, things I loved have been coming back to me. I'm still me, but I've changed. The only thing adult about me is my age and that I have bills and taxes. I've cultivated patience. Learned that I was never wrong to give kindness and expect it in return. I've grown. And I love being old.