#5 pages to finish if i survive ill write more :3

[kindred-spirit-93]

jazzy!! & apollo

hello yall im back on my bs (biscuit soliloquy) with my wonderful oc jazzy and a modern au i came up with when i opened my eyes this morning lol. u can find a little lore on ma blog under the #jazzy tag :3

--

aight so for context a few months ago while deep in the trenches of my greek mythology obsession i made a minor underworld diety oc who goes by kore or jazzy. shes my favourite muffin and i love her.

and after reading one too many apollo fics here lmao i really wanted to explore his domains (which i find endlessly fascinating bc its all my favourite things in one: medicine art literature) and learn more about him as a god via a character study of sorts.

(ive yet to write anything for them lol but when i do it will be great :P)

--

anyway back to the story they are teachers!! bc im currently rethinking my life choices and having fun imagining what my life could have been like things went differently (11/10 recommend. great for the blorbos). babys first midlife crisis at the ripe old age of 21 lol

so without any further ado, them <3

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABIES

*slaps hands* aight so context and premise:

cant be bothered to come up with alternative names and clever refernces for everyone so theyre keeping their greek names lol.

not everyone in the pantheon will make an appearance, this aint keeping up with the olympians (until it is)

the setting is vaguely british lol bc its where i grew up and am more familiar with the system and the norms. ish

they teach both primary and secondary school students (this afaik doesnt exist in the uk but it does here so yeah. will elaborate later)

greek mythology adjacent at best i regrettably know very little of the mythos and my one and only reference is theoi. i will do better i promise. as soon as i graduate

in the mean time pls feel free to tell me all about ur fave myths and works and recommend stuff :D!!

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art stuff, character design, notes

apollo has heterochromia :3 dunno if u can see it but his eyes are olive green (right) and a teal (left). representing the suns reach over land and sea. ALSO FRECKLES >:D

my girl jazzy has the most boring brown eyes ever. no pools of honey or flecks of gold. just good ol dirt brown. *foreshadowing*

short curly hair somewhere between brown and black for her, and floofy kraft singles waves for him XD

jazzy is a knitwear gremlin (like urs truly lol), 24/7 turtlenecks cardigans jumpers scarfs all of it. her hands (and extremeties) are always cold bc bad circulation and probably dehydration. shush

palettes are warm and earthy for jazzy (wow im so subtle) and cool celestial for apollo (and artemis hehe)

so thats mostly greens esp olive, brown and beige and a healthy sprinkle of rose. le aesthetic is forest/ gremlincore for my girl

and lots of blues esp navy and shiny silver and gold for chaotic academia sunshine boi (TIL astroacademia is a thing and like wow)

arts and moodboards and quotes in this century trust

jazzy is of average height (which to me is 160cm hhhhh and apollo is taller at 180cm. do ur own math we use metric in this household)

--

finally concept idea, plot if u will, notes and backgorund info too:

the first thing i thought of when i opened my eyes was literally apollo and his nine daughters the muses. let me finish

i wish i was joking lol it instantly gripped me but alas i had to go to uni and so it stayed on hold and i havent studied more that 3 pages bc im thinking about them

and by thinking i mean going over the same scene in my head and not doing somethinguseful like say expanding lore. as one does.

anyway yes we have apollo the girl dad of all time who has 9 wondeful daughters of varying ages from fist year of uni to toddler

still mapping out details like if from same mother or several relationships. idk what im doing pls respect my privacy at this time

apollo has 2 degrees bc its cool af to me (my dad has two masters and its been on my bucket list since. i dont know why i am the way that i am either) one in nursing and another in english literature (and a masters in translation bc i can)

he teaches english and history tho and the art afterschool clubs. yes clubs plural. i am insane and so is he.

jazzy is a biomed graduate and is currently pursuing a masters in forensic toxicology (sucks that i hade organic chem this would be fun to write) so she teaches bio. probably part time idk.

i will get to the details of lore and what theyre like and their work ethics etc but i is tired and id really like to finish some work before bed lol so goodnight for now and enjoy and feel free to ask stuff ig :3

[bvannn]

Weekly Update April 12, 2024

This week was awful. I’ve been bogged down with homework, surgery sickness briefly returned, my congenial illness was flaring up the worst I’ve seen in since my 2022 surgery, and to top it all off I still have 3 lab reports and a paper and presentation to do this weekend. It’s fine but it does mean I am a bit limited with my art stuff. I’m still doing what I can though.

Comic progress: page 1 is completely done, page 2 needs some backgrounds and lettering and it’s good to go. I probably could do those tonight and maybe if my mood improves I will but for now I’m taking it slowly. The third page will probably also be pretty quick, as from what I remember it didn’t have a lot of panels. Progress is going as fast as I can handle with my situation. I’d like to think it’ll pick up once I graduate but I’m anticipating I’ll need a break. When I graduated high school I slept for 25 hours straight (unless my clocks were wrong or I misinterpreted, which is possible), I anticipate doing the same again for Uni. After that I’m hoping I’ll pick up the pace.

Animation: my limited time has put the animation in a weird spot because I don’t have enough time to draw storyboards, but I have had time in waiting rooms and waiting for things to cook in lab, and I’ve been writing out a plan for what shots I want where and when, so I’m still making progress. I just need there to be a span of time where I have the free time and my body is in a state where I can draw well enough for the storyboards. Admittedly I’m really bad at storyboards and everything gets cleaned up with animation after, but I haven’t decided yet if there’s enough shots with the type of movement to justify making a puppet rig. I anticipate one for a profile view but am unsure if it needs to be a complete rig or if I’ll need the other angles. Again I’m not as worried about it right now, since that’ll be dictated by the storyboards.

Other songs: In addition to the cover I’m sitting on right now I’m also close to done with another, plus almost done with that instrumental medley. Also got more lyric work done for the two originals I’ve been sitting on. Last night I tried some piano to try to relax, and to practice melody writing. On a good night I can write a single melody line in 20 minutes, which I think is pretty good, and now I have a couple more I’m sitting on, which I’ll likely turn into OC themes, but only after everything else is finished. I’ll try to time myself on the rest of the music making process so I can be more consistent, but again I’m waiting on free time.

The other thing I did this week was writing. A bit of OC story writing, and a bit of TTRPG writing. I’m still a little stuck with the third chapter but I got through the worst of it, just need to come up with some thematic encounters and on to chapters 4 and 5. I’ve been back on a low level of epithet erased Brainrot since I’m finally trying to read Prison of Plastic, so I’m hoping I can channel that into writing, but it’s mostly been theorycrafting about the future of the OG series. The more I think about it the more sure I am that Sylvie is going to join Bliss Ocean and be a villain. Anyway I’m writing that campaign, good chance it’s a ways off yet but it’ll presumably be done during a time where I have more free time anyway, so I’ll just write it up proper then. Other writing thing I’d want to put more effort into would be a pitch comic for my secondary OC story since people really seem to be interested in those characters, but outlining the overall story will come naturally and from there I’ll find the most natural starting point. I’m not thinking too hard, I’m very bad at thinking.

Next week my objective is going to be to survive. My body is having a lot of problems and schoolwork is piling up (two events that are probably related but it’s fine that means they’ll go away around the same time) and anything else I can do will be comic, finish second cover song, and storyboards, in that order of priority, while lower effort projects will be storyboard planning, lyric writing, and story/TTRPG writing, in that order of priority. I’ll still try to have enough small drawings to post but looks like you guys are getting tired of those so I’ll try to space them out a bit better. Thank you for being so patient, I promise it’ll be three more weeks most of this slump before I pick up and really get working again!

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you��re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you�� line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

[awhilesince]

Monday, 13 September 1824

7 50/60

1 35/60

Breakfast at 9 – Mrs Mackenzie came and sat with me 1/2 hour she is in doubt whether to stay here or not seemed to ask my advice and be inclined to stay if her father is pretty well I would not speak decidedly but was evidently in favour of her staying she has had much unhappiness married against her choice from convenience a man thirty years older than herself who made her unhappy tho she always tried to do her duty her daughter cleverer than she is and rather the upper hand it seems Mrs Mackenzies being so communicative struck me – Mrs Mackenzie gave me a ticket given to her by Mr Brande that will always admit me to the Jardin des Plantes – Miss Mackenzie, too, came in and sat with me a few minutes – 

on this account, it was 12 before I had read over my 3 letters finished last night, and had no time to make any extract from them – they must be in the general post office Rue Jean Jacques Rousseau before 2, or could not be taken in today, and then there being no English post tomorrow, must have waited till Wednesday my letter to my aunt (begun on Wednesday, 3 pages, the ends, and under the turn-down) giving an account of my journey, my being very comfortable here, of Madame de B–‘s (Boyve’s) being handsome – of our sitting in the Tuileries gardens, and of the Champs Elysées, and of the fête at St. Germain gave an account of the shawls worn and their prices – excerpt this – 

My letter to M– (Mariana) on the same subjects only giving a more regular account, rather journalwise, and adding short answers to M–‘s (Mariana’s) last letter – Merely said on the subject of Mrs Henry Stephen B–‘s (Belcombe’s) management of the going-to-York business, I did not understand it, but she and Steph had my best wishes – Entreated M– (Mariana) not to pother herself about Petergate money matters – Mrs B– (Belcombe) knew what she was, and would take care of the girls – I did not think Dr. B–‘s (Belcombe’s) practice could now be sold for much – he was not likely to be well enough to introduce anyone – but Steph’s name and kinship would serve him – affectionate to π (Mariana) kind about Miss Pattison but much more the former to Miss Maclean very much so to her tho anybody might see it perhaps she herself may muse over a line or two in the first page – Told both my aunt and M– (Mariana) and Miss Maclean of my having Madame Galvani, that she alone was worth coming to Paris for; and all my time – would be taken up in endeavoring to gain the French language – 

my letter to Miss Maclean begun at Shibden Wednesday 18 August, resumed and finished yesterday – foolscap sheet 3 pages, long ends, and under the turn-down – very small and short – Treated of my journey being comfortable here, the Tuileries Champs Elysées fête of St. Germain etc etc very briefly – all the rest bavardage amical – 

went out at 12 1/4 (took Cordingley with me) direct to the general post-office in the rue Jean Jacques Rousseau – put in my letter to my aunt (Shibden) 22 sols. and to ‘Mrs Lawton Lawton hall etc 22 sols. and to ‘Miss Maclean of Coll Tobermory North Britain (Ecosse)’ 28 sols because letters here are paid for according to their weight, and I had sealed this letter and wafered the 2 others – wafers always used here because lighter than sealing wax, and for the same reason the French choose thin writing paper – saw the man who took my letters, and those of the crowd standing round the wire grating of his bureau, weigh each letter in a pair of scales hanging close to him – 

from the Post Office walked thro’ the halle au bles, and the church of St. Eustache for Cordingley to see them – then along the rue de Grenelle direct thro’ the palais of the Louvre to the Pont des Arts – crossed the Pont neuf, and returned over the Pont royal thro’ the Tuileries gardens and got home at 2 –

the porter gave me a letter charged only 5 sols (brought by some private conveyance –sent thro’ our ambassador) from Miss Maclean (Tobermory) – Oh! that I had had it before I went out – 

on coming upstairs to Mrs Mackenzie to ask what they were going to do, found them going to the Louvre to try to see the exhibition there of the new (modern) pictures – done by living and I believe all French artists; for the King’s death was hourly expected, and all public places would be closed for 6 weeks – his majesty had taken leave of his family, and received extreme unction – the garde du corps to be changed – Monsieur the next King will go to St. Cloud, and there will be no fête there – what a stupid place, says everyone with one accord, will Paris be! Away we went to the Louvre – shut already, sans aucune exception, till further orders – Sauntered in the Tuileries gardens –

Got back at 4 – read my letter from Miss Maclean – very kind and affectionate – I know not any of her letters that has given me more pleasure – perhaps the receiving it here, might add to my delight – I shall keep and read it by way of stimulus for see the end of the crossing Breadalbane thought me ‘almost quite handsome at Esholt’ and Miss Maclean evidently likes and admires me  visited by an old admirer ‘you once said you thought I would have been happier in the married state no no you are mistaken unless with a mind and he art like your own the married state would have been misery to me  far happier as I am ‘ – see the bottom of page one – and the last end for the following  after desiring continuation of the extracts from my journal ‘you know not how I was tormented at home about you Miss Bs (Belcombe’s) manner of speaking half did this  she only poor soul jested but very little difference of manner in you would have made me dislike you at that time I believe it was mostly occasioned by a little tincture of jealousy at home’..... thought I to myself this lets me into much the Belcombes are no advantage to me I now really dislike Anne not tho on her own hearts account for she is good but for the disagreeableness of her manners I would not for worlds be thought a friend of her poor soul she too was jealous I guess the style in which she would mention me – Breadalbane by thinking me almost handsome at Esholt has perhaps got over her prejudices and and I may conciliate her perhaps entirely with a little care – she must have some idea of Miss Macls (Maclean’s) partiality for on the arrival of my letter she threw it into the room with ‘there be happy’ see the first page at the bottom of the second is the more than permission to write Sibbella  Mrs Grieves would have been most happy to see me –

Miss Maclean inclosed me a letter from her niece Miss Hobart – I should fancy her a nice good hearted fashionable girl the superior cleverness I have somehow expected would not strike one from her letter she is in first rate nobility society evidently – I am to burn the letter at the end of the envelope is the following ‘I certainly do spend a good deal on dress but if I had all to buy I think I could manage very well surely a single woman can live very comfortably on nine hundred a year which I under stand I have at my disposal uncle Sullivan told me before I went to Paris as worth eighteen thousand pounds and rather more’ – 

At the 4th page of Miss Hobart’s letter (dated ‘13th’ August) 

‘Now as to your dear picture, your friend whose name I forgot is perfectly welcome to it now, I will with pleasure lend it for a short time, but you may tell her she is much more welcome now than at the horrible time you mention, for if I survive you, I shall not then spare it.’ – 

Reading and musing over my letter till near 5, then came the Irish girl and another young person from Madame Romatier to try on my new gown – not only my stays, but my petticoats ill made (true enough) – French stays would cost 30 francs and upwards – such calico as my petticoats are made of, so strong and good, not to be got in Paris – the best I could get would be thinner and finer 5 francs an aune an aune wide tho’ this of mine was 1/3 in England this and 1/2 wide – it would take 3 or 4 aunes for a petticoat; and the making (at Madame R–‘s (Romatier’s)) would be 5 francs – 

Dinner at 6 – A Mr Moore who would speak nothing but desperately bad French all the while made his debut at table – to stay for how long, I know not – does not dance now in England – does not like the present style of dancing in England except at Almacks – rather a would-be-prig – nothing great, methinks, ab origine and at home – Madame de B– (Boyve) would teach me Ecarté, and after a game or 2, set me down to play with Mr Moore (not for money) and I played with him (the better of the 2 I think) for surely about an hour – 

In the evening had Monsieur Bellevue; a Swiss count, a handsome young man; Monsieur Denappe, and Monsieur St. Auban – after playing at finding out words and talking to 1 or other (have not sat next Madame de B– (Boyve) these 3 or 4 nights) 

came up to bed (leaving the party) at 11 35/60 making memoranda of my accounts – read and mused over Miss Maclean’s letter – all much kept me up so late – Very fine day – the sun out – very warm – Fahrenheit 69° at 12 3/4 – [E two dots O two dots, marking discharge from venereal complaint] –

reference number: SH:7/ML/E/8/0042, SH:7/ML/E/8/0043

[ncvcmbcrflush]

《 diego boneta. cismale, he/him. spaceship by kesha   》 oh my, there goes OLIVER AREVALOS. the 27 year old HUMAN is currently working at LAB ASSISTANT AT SALEM STATE  UNIVERSITY. they’ve been in salem, ma for THREE DAYS. they are known around town as THE ASTROPHILE. i have a feeling they AREN’T aware of what’s going on in town, and they are NEUTRAL. hopefully, because they are known to be INTELLIGENT and DETERMINED while also being STUBBORN and IRRITATING, they will survive. i guess only time will tell.

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Full Name: Oliver Rafael Arevalos

Nickname(s): Call him whatever you want, he’s not listening anyways so no matter what he won’t respond to you.

Date of Birth: March 9th, 1994

Age: 27

Gender + Pronouns: Male, he/him

Place of birth: Mexico City, Mexico

Parents: Oliver comes from a very large, very close, very nauseatingly supportive family! Raised by a single father, he and his siblings have never wanted for anything, even if it took years to save up for something.

Siblings: two older sisters, one older brother.

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Crazy close, they have multiple groupchats and facetime multiple times a week.

Pets: none.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5′ 9″

Build: stocky little thing, he’s got some muscle mass but generally just like, unintimidating little guy.

Nationality: Oaxacan

Ethnicity: Latine

Distinguishing Facial Features: big big puppy dog eyes, very soft, will convince you to do stupid shit like stay up until 4am to watch a meteor shower. Also, chin dimple.

Hair Color: Brown

Usual Hair Style: no style goes into this, Oliver just lets it fall where it may.

Eye Color: Brown

Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks, scars): a few beauty marks here and there, nothing really noticeble though.

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): ADHD

What do they consider their best feature?: His eyes for sure, and he uses them like a weapon, the wee bastard.

Worst they’ve ever been injured (what, how did it happen)?: Broken leg after falling off of his roof in 8th grade trying to set up his telescope. Stayed on the roof to finish watching a comet pass before telling his mom that he’d broken his leg.

APPEARANCE:

Favorite outfit: loves a good button down and some jeans.

Glasses? Contacts?: glasses, but he doesn’t like to wear them.

Personal Hygiene: another clean boi, gotta be fresh because you never know when you’ll meet your beautiful alien spouse!

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: usually a couple of necklaces, has no piercings.

What does their voice sound like?: like a midrange sort of voice? not deep at all, but no crazy falsetto going on either!

Accent?: Oliver definitely has a pretty obvious accent; a little bit toned down after a couple decades living in the states, but very present still.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: Finger tapping. they’re always going, no matter what. Don’t even bother trying to point it out or ask him to stop because he legitimately doesn’t even know he’s doing it.

Left handed or right?: left handed

Do they work out/exercise?: Oliver goes on runs pretty regularly, and he’s no stranger to a nice long hike, but he’s not really a gym kind of guy.

BELIEFS & INTELLECT:

Known Languages: Spanish, English, Portuguese, Klingon

Zodiac: Aries

Gifts/talents: Really stupidly mathematically inclined, strggles to write a one page paper concisely, but can fly through equations like it’s kindergarten math.

Religious stance: Practicing Catholic

Pet peeves: Foot tapping, super long books, the english language in general

Optimist or pessimist: optimist

Extrovert or introvert: extrovert

INTIMACY & RELATIONSHPS:

Relationship status: Single

Sexual orientation: Bisexual

Ideal mate/qualities they look for in mate: from space, tall.

Ever been in love?: Nope.

What’s their love language?: quality time

Most important person in their life?: his whole family- they count as one person, damn it!

VOCATION:

Level of education: Masters in bioengineering, working on his doctorate

Profession: Lab Assistant at Salem State University

Past occupations: sales associate at Lowes for 3 months, A/C repairman

Passions: Astronomy, sci fi shows and movies, anything and everything aliens

Which is more important – money or doing something they love?:  Doing something he loves; which lucky for Oliver, happens to pay pretty well!

SECRETS:

Phobias: Magicians, clowns, people with undercuts

Life goals: Meet, woo, and marry an alien. Leave Earth. Have spaceship. Meet Nathan Fillion.

Greatest fears: Losing his ability to enjoy life

Most embarrassing thing ever to happen to him/her: Probably when he dressed as stitch from Lilo and stitch for halloween for ten consecutive years.

Something they’ve never told anyone: He would genuinely be heartbroken if he ever found definitive proof that aliens don’t exist.

PREFERENCES:

Hobbies: charting the stars, drawing, running a successful conspiracy theory podcast (name tbd.)

Favorite color: Green

Favorite smell: Spearmint

Favorite food: pineapple raspados with chamoy

Favorite book: ew.

Favorite movie: men in black

Favorite song: the scientist by willie nelson

Coffee or tea?: neither, boy runs on stardust and moonlight (and energy drinks)

Favorite type of weather: cold, cloudless days and nights.

Most used word or phrase?: “It’s the aliens.”

[skgway]

1824 Aug., Mon. 30

6 10/60

1

Went out at 8 1/4 – Took Cordingley and went to see the Castle – Missed the proper turn to the Castle gate, and went to the top of the hill to the Deal Turnpike – 3/4 hour seeing the Castle, that is, walking round it within the walls with one of the wardens (there are 3) – 

The great square tower a magazine of military stones – Never shewn – Might be seen with a very particular order from Captain Smart, Commanding engineer (who lives at Ashley-fort near Dover – nor without a particular order from Captain S– [Smart] (which he seldom gives but to military men, but would not refuse to ladies) could one see the underground bomb-proof barracks, communicating by several subterraneous passages with the Castle, and having light from windows cut in the Cliff, about midway from the bottom (of the Cliff) – 

Chimneys come out to the surface in the Castle yard thro’ little round brick-walled inclosures (like little pinfolds) that have a singular appearance – these subterraneous barracks have also a communication with the preventive station where they watch the smugglers – Very few smugglers here –The castle stood upon, or rather the castle wall enclosed 35 acres – 

Saw the old church said to have been built by King Lucius (the 1st Xtian [Christian] King in Britain, now a coal-store – But no soldiers here now – Only a corporal and 6 artillery men sent every day from the heights, who stay 24 hours and are then relieved by another party – 2 regiments always in the castle during the war –  

Saw the old tower said to have been built by Claudius and castled with flint by Henry 5 – Fine views of sea, the cliffs, and country, but too hazy to see far across the channel – The French coast quite shut out from view – Lord Liverpool governor of the Castle lives at Warder? Castle 2 miles from Deal, 6 from here (Dover) – A modern place – 

Got back to breakfast in about 1/4 hour – Easily ran down the steps to the Inn, the Kings Head, kept by a widow a Mrs. Podevin – She pays so much to have the coach stop at her every other week, and when it is her week, the people in London have no right to recommend passengers to Mr. Chaplin’s the London Hotel, who is proprietor, and who has the coach the alternate weeks –

Till returning from the castle this morning and seeing the name over the door, I knew no other then that I had stopt at the London hotel – Agreed Mrs. Podevin was ill used – Would not say it was Leuliette who recommended me to the London, but gave her the card, having written on the back the date of today and “the lady from Webbe’s hotel” because this Mrs. P– [Podevin] said would prove what they always denied viz the recommending passengers to the London hotel –

She wanted to recommend me to her relation of her own name in Calais, but I had determined to go to Quillac’s – The London hotel is a better looking house then this – This is very secondly, but I have been pretty comfortable and I can not [wish] for more at present – 

Breakfasted and on board the Britannia steam packet Captain Busher at 12 – An hour before we were out of the harbour – Beautiful day – The sea quite smooth – Nobody sick – Landed at Calais, on the quay at 4 – 

Met with a civilised, quiet-looking, mild-mannered, elderly, gently enough man on board, with whom I got into conversation, and finding he knew French and Calais well, and was going to Quillacq’s, asked to join him – He was very civil – Went with me to the custom to get my writing-box searched, and desired Quillacq to let me have everything comfortable, saying he would pay his respects in the morning – 

I found his name was Welch – He had come to take back his son whom he had left here in a french family to learn the language during the holidays of his classical school at home – The boy, aetatis 13, each to meet us – A nice boy enough – 

Got to Quillacq’s about 4 1/2 § – Dinner at 5 1/4 – Potage a la julienne and fricassée de poulet – Un biscuit, 2 pêches, and 2 poires pour dessert – Everything very good – Had it in my bed-room e la François  – A very neat room – Had a bottle of red hermitage good, – Drank about a 3rd of it, and felt a little idle and sleepy – 

Dawdled doing nothing till 7 from then to 9 1/2 writing finished my letter of 3 pages and the ends pretty tolerably close to my aunt (vide Friday) and wrote the latter, 2 pages and the ends and under the seal, and finished my letter to M– [Mariana] began on Friday – Giving an account of my proceedings – Affectionate to 𝛑 [Mariana], but anyone might see it for they would not understand my express want of her, not lessened by my wine – 

From 10 1/4 to 11 3/4 repacked my trunk and basket neatly; for they had turned everything out at the custom house – E [two dots] O [no dots] little or no discharge – Very fine day – But about 8 p.m. Cordingley came in to say, it “lighteninged so hard”, she really durst not sit in her room by herself – I smiled and bade her sat down in a corner of my room – 

She did not stay long – The storm began to abate – The lightning was most vivid (at first short lightning then forked), the flashes incessant and the thunder very loud, for above 1/2 hour – with very heavy rain – The Talbot steam packet ought to have been in by 6 but was not then in sight – my little Fahrenheit 77º at 11 3/4 p.m. 

[sideways in margin] § went immediately to the diligence bureau – Thro’ the negligence of Mr. Chaplin at the London hotel Dover, he had put me down in the way–bill as having outside places all the way, instead of only from London to Dover, and I had the difference to pay – i.e. 18 francs 16 solidis – But got a receipt for the money and a promise of its being returned in Paris –

[More on Dover Castle’s ‘old tower,’ church, and tunnels]

Two 80-foot Roman lighthouses were built at Dover Castle during Emperor Claudius reign, but only one survives. The Romans modeled the lighthouses after one they built at Boulonge for the Roman Emperor Caligula. 

Next door to the lighthouse is the Anglo-Saxon church of St Mary in Castro. The working church was partly rebuilt in the medieval era, and was restored by the Victorians after many years of neglect.

Deep inside the White Cliffs of Dover are three miles of medieval underground tunnels, burrowed beneath the castle during and after the Siege of 1216, expanded during the Napoleonic Wars of the 1800s, and later used during World War II as an air raid shelter before becoming a military command centre.

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

Shanie’s Dream Fic: A Masterpost

The following is a Masterpost of all my various finished, started, and sketched out dream stories. They are listed here as the dreams originally were, not as the stories the dreams became. Listings are by Saga/Series, Story Title, and Month/Year of original dream. Also listed are the fandoms of the dreams and any specific warnings the fics might carry. For the record, this isn’t a post really for anyone on here. It’s mostly for my own records. I do have a copy on my cloud storage but I’m putting it here as well on the off chance anyone is curious. BTW: I’m putting this here so that I don’t have to list it every time. As far as the WWE dreams go. Absolutely NONE of them are Kayfabe compliant. That’s the problem with not watching the shows regularly. I don’t dream about the TV side of it often. The Zowens dream is close though. It’s sort of a hybrid. The rest? Well, all of them are some level of NKC, but some are not only non-kayfabe, they are straight up AU.  BTW2: In every single one of these stories involving me I am some manner of queer. I’m pretty sure in all but maybe one or two. I’m either wlw, ace, or both. NOT ONE of the first person dreams contains romance between me and another character. The best you get is a single platonic fake-relationship story. (That one did have a smut scene in it but it isn’t romantic.)

Anyway, list behind the cut!

ADVENTURES IN DREAMLAND Master Post

SAGA   A Family Beyond Blood

Part 1 Darkness Fallen (August 2019) I find myself trapped in a world where I died as a child. Now as a spirit I must find a way to restore the universe to it’s proper order. (Somehow my young death caused the entire universe to splinter) *McMahon Family and MCU Dream* Part 2 Death and Life on Planet Earth (August 2019)

Having saved the universe but not ourselves, I vow to do whatever it takes to return Shane to his rightful place with his family. *McMahon Family and MCU Dream*

Part 3 A World Restored to Fall (August 2019)

The universe has been reset again, and I have been returned to my proper timeline. Or have I? There’re odd happenings in a local bookshop and it’s up to me to figure out how to stop them *Original Dream Featuring IRL People*

Part 4 World War Winter (August 2019)

Nuclear Holocaust has occurred. The world is at war with the machines. As a soldier in the CAMP forces, I must leave everything I know behind and face down the android army. But, maybe there’s a familiar face or two in CAMP after all... *McMahon Family Dream* *VIOLENT*

Part 5 Of Queens and Kingdoms (August 2019)

The world is reset. AGAIN. This time, it’s me, Shane and Marissa in a new land where the middle ages and modern times are happening simultaneously and women are the dominant gender. And, somehow, I’m the bloody queen. *McMahon Family and WWE Universe Dream*

Part 6 Titans Reign (August 2019)

Having ascended to the throne and filling the royal court with WWE superstars, I must now find a way to rule over a land I barely know. Meanwhile, a sinister plot is brewing to put the patriarchy back in power. *McMahon Family and WWE Universe Dream*

SAGA That’s What Friends Are For

Part 1 Death of a Fangirl (and Birth of a Friend) (October 2019) [Only Published Story on List]

I find myself being given the chance to meet Shane. Unfortunately, my mental illness turns the dream into a nightmare and my life unravels. But don’t worry. Shane will save the day. He always does. *Shane O Mac Dream*

Part 2 With A Song In Her Heart (October 2019)

Shane has been ignoring my texts, so I hunt him down. My search finds me at a pride festival where a spontaneous song catches his attention a little too well. *Shane O Mac Dream*

Part 3 One Last Birthday to Celebrate (November 2019)

It’s Christmastime in Squirrel Hill. For some dumb reason, Shane McMahon has decided to visit me the day before his birthday. Naturally I surprise him with a present. The other surprise (getting caught in a domestic dispute) is far less pleasant. *Shane O Mac Dream* *VIOLENT*

Part 4 The Pink Rose (Not a Dream)

I survived the shooting. Waking up in a hospital, I find my mother and a room full of flowers from the WWE Superstars. But one flower, a lone pink rose, is unlabeled. Wanna take a wild guess who sent that one? *WWE Universe Story NOT Based on A Dream*

Part 5 Dreams and Demons (December 2019)

So, it seems that watching your friend nearly die in a hail of bullets isn’t the best for your mental health. At WrestleMania 37, Shane is presented with a choice. Me, or TV. Of course he chooses me, this is my dream, what other choice   would there be? *WWE Universe Dream*

[Are you starting to see why I never publish any of these. They are painfully bad self inserts and woefully self-indulgent. But they are also therapy, hence the writing]

SERIES   Trippy Shorts

Story 1 A Little Fall of Acid Rain (August 2019)

The world is ending – but only in NYC. I’m there. So are the McMahons. Destruction and danger abound. *McMahon Family Dream*

Story 2 I Know Who I Am (September 2019)

All of my favorites from TV, movies, music, and wrestling are turning up murdered. Each time, a cryptic message is left behind, written in blood. Can I figure out the connection before everyone I like is killed? *General Pop Culture Dream* *EXTREMELY VIOLENT AND DISTURBING*

Story 3 Fixed Points and Fixed Pairings [An Unfinished Symphony] (September 2019)

One night, outside the bar, I am approached by an older version of myself. She brings a time machine and a mission – go back to the attitude era and change time so Shane remains the heir apparent. But some people are just meant to be together, and others just refuse to listen – even to an angel from the future. *WWE Universe Dream*

Story 4 A Song of Summer [A Snapshot] (October 2019)

As an Agent of SHIELD, it doesn’t take a genius to see that Black Widow and Hawkeye are in love. So, through the power of music, I decide to try and hook them up. *MCU Dream*

Story 5 Journeys Beginning [A Snapshot] (December 2019)

One day at school, I find myself amid an alien incursion. But don’t worry, the Doctor is on the case. Also, Shane is involved because of course he is. *Shane O Mac and Doctor Who Dream*

Story 6 Arson, Murder, and Revolution (January 2020)

At a Hollywood LGBTQ party, I find myself caught in a plot by the Trump administration to commit mass murder. When it goes awry, revolution stirs and it’s up to me and several other progressive celebrities to light the fuse *General Pop Culture Dream* *VIOLENT*

[See, they aren’t all about Shane. Just... most of them]

STAND ALONE STORIES

Once Upon a Dream (August 2019)

I black out drunk in an alley one night and awake to find myself in a dream. It’s 1990 and I’m somehow a middle-aged black woman. Also sharing the dream is a young and angry Shane McMahon. Together we use the circumstances of the dream to fuck shit up for the NYPD. *Shane O Mac Dream* *VIOLENT*

The Many Deaths of a Tabhead (August 2019)

Five years after getting hooked on a new drug called Tabs, I find myself in an endless loop of getting murdered. The only way out is to survive. Too bad I have no memory, and everyone wants me dead *Original Story Featuring IRL People* *VIOLENT AND DISTURBING*

Champion of the Faerie Queen (December 2019)

Did you know that Marissa McMahon is the Faerie Queen and Shane is her consort? Neither did I. And, it seems, when war comes a calling, it’s up to me to save the McMahons and the country. But I’ve got superpowers now, so that helps. *McMahon Family, MCU, and DC Universe Dream*

To Earthquakes, Lovers, and Newfound Friends (May 2020)

In lovely SoCal, I’m watching a movie when an earthquake strikes. I soon find myself both blind and badly burned. The only hope I have to survive is a certain pair of lovers who just happen to be in the area for some R&R. *Zowens Dream*

Penny and Kicks vs The World (June 2020)

As a longtime WWE employee, I’ve been best friends with Shane for years. But in the fallout of Coronavirus, the public is looking for a scapegoat. Vince is more than happy to offer up my father. Now, the entire wrestling world is in turmoil and Shane and I are just trying to weather the storm. *WWE Universe Dream* *VIOLENT*

Virginia Gothic (October 2019)

In a world where my highschool sweetheart and I never broke up, we must forge a path on our own through hardship and rejection. But what is the meaning of the mysterious Jesus statue? And why is Bacchus being so damn shifty? *Original Dream Featuring IRL People*

Uzil (January 2020)

An mystical being from the horsehead nebula takes up residence in a little boy’s guinea pig. The miracles come quickly and soon they are inseparable. *Original Third Person Dream* (I wasn’t in this one)

The E-Manual (February 2020)

The end of days is drawing near. I have been chosen as a prophet of the end times by the Almighty himself. I must go out into the world armed with only scripture and a mystical magazine, trying to convert as many people as possible before time runs out. *A Mostly Original Dream* (Shane’s in the last two pages)

Seraphina and the Seven Wishes (April 2020)

The world is a video game and the McMahon’s are the Addams family. It only gets weirder from there. *McMahon Family Dream*

A Matter of Science (And Opinion) (May 2020)

I accidentally set fire to my apartment during a spell. I’m promptly arrested and call The Doctor as my defense. Sadly, the call is rerouted to Stormcage and SpongeBob SquarePants ends up on the case instead. This one is every bit as absurd as it sounds. *Doctor Who and SpongeBob SquarePants Dream*

A Revolution In This Century (Enter Me) (November 2019) The year is 2027. Climate Change has decimated the globe and revolution has reduced the Ruling Elite to food reserves. However, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and soon the new ruling poor become as ruthless as the 1% had been. In this horrible dystopia, I am a powerful government official who has taken on the McMahons as consorts for the sole purpose of saving their skins. *McMahon Family Dream* *VIOLENT, DISTURBING, AND A BIT SMUTTY*

Crystal Vision – A Dozen Birthdays (December 2019)

After showing kindness to an enchantress, I am given my hearts greatest desire – a place in Shane’s life. I am sent back in time to 2005 as a WWE Makeup tech and given 12 years in the life of my childhood heroes. But a lot happened in the WWE from 2005 to 2017 and not all of it good. How much can and do I dare change? *WWE Universe Dream* *Painfully NKC. Disturbing subject matter involved because 2007 is a thing.*

Dr. Slime and the Wondernerds (August 2019)

Three high school nerds find themselves in possession of a mysterious green substance. When it explodes during an experiment, they find they have been given superpowers. However, this is the real world and super-powered “freaks” get picked apart, not celebrated. Can the teens resist using their powers? *Original Third Person Dream* (I’m not in this one)

Planeswalking Like A Grecian (October 2019)

After death, Xena finds herself on the Astral Plane. Promptly running into Joxer, they must find a way to survive the dangers of the afterlife. But don’t worry. Gabrielle has a plan. *Xenaverse Dream* (I’m not in this one)

The Foresight Curse (June 2020)

The problem with knowing the future is that you usually don’t have the ability to change it. So when Radar O’Reilly realizes Henry’s fate the day before it happens, he has to spend the next day trying to drown out the feelings of dread and sorrow, if only for the Colonel’s sake. Funny thing though, sometimes fate takes a left turn and you get a second chance to say goodbye. *M*A*S*H Universe Dream* (I’m not in this one) Vampires, Wraiths, and Shades, Oh My! (December 2019)

In the middle ages, I am orphaned at a very young age by vampires and taken in by Vampire Hunters (AU Shane and Stephanie). Now a teenager, I fight alongside them to protect the world from the dangers of the night. *McMahon Family Vampire AU Dream*

WHEW! I’m pretty sure that’s all of them! I have so dang many dreams it’s hard to keep track of them all! Anyway, out of all of these, only a handful are finished, ONE is published (Death of a Fangirl) and a ton of them aren’t far past the sketch stage. So, this is my list. Every story on here I at least have sketched out. I doubt I will ever even bother writing many of these, but the intent is present.

[geektech713]

My Bipolar life & Struggles

My Testimony! living with bipolar & healed of bipolar in 2017 about my 2008 story I am disabled by federal government and state because of my bipolar disorder .  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after I started my business outside of high school ..I been fighting for my life since 2001 when I was diagnosed ..I started Digitalrao dba on december 15th 2001 and then I was diagnosed by doctor in  March I was on medication . I was only 18 or 19 when I started my business straight out high school I was about about to start find funding and everything ..but High school friends and bullies at school were making making me fight for get be left alone ..I was throw in ISS most the school year and everything I  eventually left I went to Private Christian school in my town to get school . I am always learning because of my disorder makes me hard to concrete . I am not the violent type of bipolar you hear about ..I like to take care of my issue ASAP before it gets worse , find the doctors to help .I am forced to take medication for my survival and I won’t be able to destroy my life or online rep . For all those who don’t know my testimony . Bipolar Disorder is Mental Illness , I believe it because I gave up on life with my Bullied bad  in high school and standed up against them . I was in school for almost 4 -5 years because of other issues  and then Private I tried to finish early but  I took college Computer Networking class at another High School in our District for extra credit an Air Force ROTC  . I flew once behind the control of small plane too . I have decided to follow Jesus with everything after finding an youth group called Portico at Old lakewood church campus before the moved into stadium ..Lakewood church ..Joel Osteen before that was John Osteen before he went up to the lord . well I was fighting to get my life on the straight path because I was fighting things unseen I don’t want to talk about it was battle over my soul after I got out the hospital and doctor visits and court from trans passing at my high school I  went too   .after couple months of dealing with State over my condition they dismissed my charged I was set free and I came running to God/Jesus because .I know medication and doctors wouldn’t be able to heal me . Bipolar disorder was called Manic Depression . yes I suffer from depression I haven’t been depressed in couple of months It is getting better.  Bipolar is very serious mental condition . it destroys life’s left and right ..I am restart my life after relapse  2 years and took me 2 years of Hard work to get back where I am now but  I had to fight for my life in everything I believe in and test my thinking and mindset and friends . I do my business because it is my dream and It is accident in 2001 Google came out and was just a start up and I heard about I google how to start a business and researched how to get into it ..I am just dba doing business as One day I will have enough money to Corporate it and just watch it grow and let some Jesus let MBA older person lead the company  .well i was saying  .                                                                              I was starting to building up on my own feet with no partnerships or anything I am boot stamping Digital Rao right now But I have partnership with Business Remedy my first independent contract . well one with my story  I was engaged to some girl that I though would be the one well I thought she was real christian and changed but I was wrong ..short story she left me after one of my business owner friends told me she was using me or cheating on me . I was heart Broken . I tried to get computers jobs to keep afloat I was working at Kroger and moved up 3 positions in 9 months of being their from sacker to dairy department but I was asked to be Kroger Department manager because I am career driven  . I told other store manager NO because some off the wall . my X fiance parents and her was telling to say NO to the offer because some stupid reason . but my  personal reason was because I wanted to be in computers not retail environment I left to Truckstop to work the cashiers and learn to run a store at night ..well I was working on my business running , taking calls and going to work at night 10-6am and then I would take calls from my ad’s in yellow pages and online and talk with vendors and so on …Lets say I almost had it but then how my story gets sad and depressing ..well I said my X fiance  . I wanted to go Trade conference in Dallas,TX  an Technology conference I was invited to go as local business I was so happy and my fiance wasn’t I was preparing to go a room at hotel some far to save on gas and food and all expenses just getting ready and then bam . I wanted to go San Antonio or Round Rock,TX aka HQ of DELL ,  I looked at my checking and asked her if wanted to go micro-vacation she told me NO . I said I need to get away from all the stress I am under and get new prospective I was trying to find my balance because I felt unbalanced and drained  . we kissed each other bye and I made to San Antonio and to get some gas and food and my personal checking account bounced on me , came back on me I was denied it was 2 hours after that i got to San Antonio from Houston area . I was at McDonald’s and realized I was broke I was cleaned out ..I had credit balance 500 dollars or more on my personal side and i tried every credit card I had I think .. receive well my other story began I ran out of gas just under the under pass at one dell way under the highway I stalled their and one dell employee put 10 or 20 dollars in my tank I was thankful but after driving short distance wasn't enough to get me to back home I went to find the Dell Diamond ..then I ran out of gas at night by some homes  ..and then I started to walk like Jesus and find someone to help me  . I was desperate I went to walking to 7-11 and asked for job application I wanted to work In Round Rock to get some money . I had crazy idea’s  after failed attempts I talked couple what  happened to me and everything and I went walking to church for help just stay the night or anything it was Sunday night as I was about step on the crosswalk of the church the Round Rock Police pulled nearly arrested me . i told them what happen with me and took me my Chevy Tahoe  , and the mental people checked me out for the County and said you are good to go not going Jail for the Night since you are small business owner from not our area . I was thankful the round rock county took me to Red Roof Inn and then  I tried to call parents and KSBJ to let them pray for me I used Google 411 to make calls out area because it was source to talk to KSBJ prayer volunteer to for my safe return home I was KSBJ Special events volunteer and Share-A-Thon they knew me if i emailed them or anything well long story short I lost everything my Chevy Tahoe and nearly my business nearly went bankrupt but I am fighting that I want to share more but I need to write a book I am looking for someone to tell my whole story about my life , I was in mediation and i heard a voice say Write a book . I meditate every now and then I  have found an Android app to help enter in God so close to hear loud as thunder and everything I know what his voice sounds like   ..I want to finish this up  my ending but I need to do other stuff  . well  my ending I had bitter-heart and nearly went back into the world and go back into all the wrong stuff , not drugs or anything just wrong people and everything . I tried to go back to church but it didn’t work . I ended up asking Jesus/God to break me down until the bare bone which I asked God to make life hell for me and He did because I asked  I need to be broken so I can return back back my where , I had find my bottom my valley ..well 4 months ago I am God Broke me down I had no friends and everything was hell I was broke ..no Job or computer jobs or 2nd jobs to get by ….I had one of my medications Lithium nearly kill me  . .it had poisoned my blood steam I was very sick , so sick ..after I realized it was medication I called my doctor told what was happening, throwing up ,stomach pains ,extreme migraines and it was hell . I was depressed and lonely and out of hope and grace I felt but I wasn’t God was close or nearby I didn’t see him or anything but something snapped in my brain I heard his voice say Fight for you life or Come back one of the two it isn’t your time yet I am not done with you yet i believe  . I said OK lets fight for my life and I live with my parents at 29 because I lost everything I asked my dad to take me to the  hospital he didn’t I begged and pleaded with him I was in no condition to drive to my Hospital ER in Sugar land for treatment I didn’t think of 911 and deal wit the police and EMS people and causing the whole street getting blocked off because of sickness I was dealing with   ..so I went to bed and fought my demons and sickness and asked God to help me get out of sickness I was tired of being sick for 3 to 5 months at all at once .. well I asked I asked God in my room after listening to KSBJ.org I was doing anything to try to get back to God after 2 years being in the wildness I am back to God I am getting praise and thanksgiving every second I have with God .. God and Jesus and Holy Spirit  ..I know the trinity .God is Love and God is grace and God is restore and many things ..I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.. Not by might nor by power my but my by spirit says the the lord Almighty .. I have many verses on my heart they will come to me  …. 2012 update here is my update I dated the wrong girlfriend she wasn’t Christian then i fell from grace after that months later I got Baptist at The 429 and made friends with wrong people and left church for awhile i didn’t even realize  i was blind and isolated to the point I didn’t have any friends to say ..in the process i lost everything again my grandma’s car broke down and won’t turn over and i lost my 2nd business Digitalrao Solutions . A couple days ago i went to see one of my Christian friends at her Christian resale shop called by Faith and she was in bad shape but had positive outlook on where she was going and had faith of mustard seed i see God flowing out when we were talking , she said alot of things i been dealing with myself one thing i said i had doubt , then slowly God started to turn on the heat on me to point i was crying and asking for forgiveness and then i got invited couple weeks ago before that Go back to church with old jr high school friend and God was talking to me thru sunday and service . I did fall from Grace ..i wasn’t the best example but I have turn from my old ways . Got right with him .. well to continue my story i was getting hell from church members calling my business line at the time i just was start up with Digitalrao Solutions,dba maybe my 3 year as start up and then Dealing with G-watts BBQ Pit  i was doing all kind programming and setup Comcast Business internet for him  and then they got the wrong tablet for square i told them go get ipad they did i did more programming even paid for fake charities he had too ..one time  i found the owner coming out of BBQ pit with red eyes he was doing some kind of drugs i caught him even partner too .. i asked do you gamble too then Micka forgot to pay my invoices they're protesting my invoices when i did 2 free jobs and then almost 3rd one ..then they hire a The Church volunteer member was volunteering lot with him i was made MVP once during winter times no one else couldn't handle Texas blue Norther's like me  so i was only one doing traffic and setting up stuff to get attention of drivers then i was dealing dealing FBI/CIA/NSA even caught Spy Satellite in the sky on my horizon then falling off into distance because I called Obama out on what he is doing and i said i know what your planning to do ..i think you know who i am on twitter ..so i was being then i got a call from mexican women not saying where that they're going to kidnap me this was Mexican drug cartels after me too then my dad started to get bitter about me approved for cars left and right but kicked to the road and walking took me off insurance he just had big anger issue since i was apart of GOP Harris county Liberty Freedom Caucus he refused to take me GOP events or go so they fired me  , then one of the Rosenberg Cops told me ya ur getting watched by cartels we see cars driving by i am not giving locations of cameras lol anyway then 2 days later i had panic mode fearing from everything around me that they might shoot up the place but then did something stupid ..later realized it was setting up for Success when i got to Group home my dad wouldnt let me come home , anyways i was in group home for 3 months then i didn't start to go back to Church of Living Waters until 6 or 8 th month because i was afraid of church who i would run into or accuse me again sometimes i run into accusers at Church of living waters they dont say anything to me . i am am slowly going back to Church of Living waters Darren Frank seen what i been thru sometimes i txt him too much ,  or quit  anyways , Jimn Kyles had nothing to do with me but Pastor Darren Frank took me under his wings and protected me and even prophecy saying i will have no friends ya that is where i am at now  . back the story I was going around town causing chaos when one time i went Mexican restaurant saying i did Youtube video of this place y'all are made here but they called the Police on me Kicked me out  anyways the most famous restaurant located by the place now they're up for sale   back to story i was saying Rosenberg Police Sargent called me criminal over my bipolar i finally gave up my secret i was one filing FBI IC3 reports they didn't know who it was ..then Assistant Police Chief got caught now facing charges anyways .. now i am giving member of Church of Living waters in Rosenberg ..i don’t give to buy out God i give to because i am generous giver, I got healed of Bipolar disorder in July ,2017 still going thru process dealing with Therapist and Family doctors that don't understand what happen to me . 2020 update my Pdoc at Texana took myself off Deproke , i haven’t had depression in 3 years so i am off my depression med , just taking 1 medication If Technical side like my Businesses use geektech713@gmail.com until i can buy back my domains back !  i do need money to live ...I want to  INC up ASAP  .

[cover2covermom]

Goodbye April & hello May!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel & I’m running toward it…

April seemed to drag on despite the days flying by.  Does that even make sense?  Like I’ve mentioned before, my days are filled with homeschooling, home projects, mask making, and reading.  I’ve been doing my best to fill my hours to ease the COVID-19 anxiety.

I received the notification that I will be returning to work next week, which was welcome news.  I’m ready to get back a little bit of normalcy in my life.  Thankfully, our library system is reopening in phases.  Our first phase will be employees only (3-5 employees in the building at one time) and offering curb-side service to our patrons.  As of now, we will not open our doors to the public until June 1st at the earliest.  At that point in time, we will be limiting the number of patrons allowed in the building.  It is definitely going to be a learning curve to see what my new work normal is going to entail.  I’m looking forward to adapting & rising to the occasion.

» Be Not Far From Me by Mindy McGinnis

As per usual, Mindy McGinnis puts out another harrowing YA book.  I love survival stories, so I enjoyed this story about a girl that has gotten lost in the woods.  Be Not Far From Me was uncomfortable to read at certain points.

» Here in the Real World by Sara Pennypacker

*3.5 Stars*

This was a sweet story about two kids that form a friendship while hanging around an abandoned lot.  The first half of this book didn’t grab me and moved far too slowly.  I enjoyed the second half of this book a lot better than the first half.

» Keeper of Lost Cities (Keeper of the Lost Cities #1) by Shannon Messenger

An awesome MG fantasy!  I cannot wait to continue on with this series.  I’d recommend this to fans of Harry Potter.

» Separation Anxiety by Laura Zigman

*2.75 Stars*

I read this for one of my book clubs.   I think the author was attempting to write a book that would charm readers with eccentric characters & a humorous plotline, but don’t think it delivered.  Instead of being funny, the story felt odd & forced.

» A Wolf Called Wander by Rosanne Parry

I think the author did a tremendous job writing a book from a wolf’s perspective.  You can tell the author did extensive research into wolves & their behaviors.  While I think this animal perspective was very well done, I didn’t think the plotline was all that entertaining.

» The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (Oz #1) by L. Frank Baum

I’ve decided to challenge myself to read more children’s classics in 2020.   To kick start this challenge, I started with The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  This was a delightful read!  I was surprised to learn that the slippers were actually silver instead of ruby red… mind blown!

» SHOUT by Laurie Halse Anderson

This is a must read for fans of Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak.  While you don’t HAVE to read Speak to read SHOUT, I feel like it makes a bigger impact if you read Speak prior to this.  If you didn’t know, SHOUT is Anderson’s memoir told in verse.

» Loveboat, Taipei (Loveboat, Taipei #1) by Abigail Hing Wen

*4.5 Stars*

This is a guilty pleasure type of read.  Actually, it reminded me a bit of Crazy Rich Asians a bit.  It is a tad racy for a YA book… So I’d probably recommend for older YA readers that are 16+

» Exile (Keeper of the Lost Cities #2) by Shannon Messenger

I am LOVING this MG fantasy series.  While these books are a bit chunky, don’t let the page count deter you.  I flew through the first two books in this series this month.  Also, I’m happy to report that this second installment does NOT suffer from “second book syndrome.”

» Nooks & Crannies by Jessica Lawson

Nooks & Crannies is an excellent MG historical mystery.  Some of the elements of this story gave me Matilda mixed with A Series of Unfortunate Events vibes.  The audiobook is well narrated.

» The Penderwicks (The Penderwicks #1) by Jeanne Birdsall

This is the perfect book to pick up during the summer months.  It really gave me modern Little Women crossed with The Secret Garden vibes.  The ending was so heartwarming it almost brought me to tears.

Goodreads Challenge Update: 46 books!

*I know it says 47, but I finished The Last (Endling #1) on May 1st*

March 2020 Reading & Blogging Wrap-Up

April 2020 TBR

Childhood Classics 2020: TBR

Most Anticipated Books of 2020 (May – December)

Mini Book Reviews: April 2020 – Part 1

Mini Book Reviews: April 2020 – Part 2

If you were ever curious what a bookworm’s quarantine stress shopping spree looks like, here you go…

» The Guinevere Deception (Camelot Rising #1) by Kiersten White

There was nothing in the world as magical and terrifying as a girl.

Princess Guinevere has come to Camelot to wed a stranger: the charismatic King Arthur. With magic clawing at the kingdom’s borders, the great wizard Merlin conjured a solution–send in Guinevere to be Arthur’s wife . . . and his protector from those who want to see the young king’s idyllic city fail. The catch? Guinevere’s real name–and her true identity–is a secret. She is a changeling, a girl who has given up everything to protect Camelot.

To keep Arthur safe, Guinevere must navigate a court in which the old–including Arthur’s own family–demand things continue as they have been, and the new–those drawn by the dream of Camelot–fight for a better way to live. And always, in the green hearts of forests and the black depths of lakes, magic lies in wait to reclaim the land. Arthur’s knights believe they are strong enough to face any threat, but Guinevere knows it will take more than swords to keep Camelot free.

Deadly jousts, duplicitous knights, and forbidden romances are nothing compared to the greatest threat of all: the girl with the long black hair, riding on horseback through the dark woods toward Arthur. Because when your whole existence is a lie, how can you trust even yourself?

» Song for a Whale by Lynne Kelly

The story of a deaf girl’s connection to a whale whose song can’t be heard by his species, and the journey she takes to help him.

From fixing the class computer to repairing old radios, twelve-year-old Iris is a tech genius. But she’s the only deaf person in her school, so people often treat her like she’s not very smart. If you’ve ever felt like no one was listening to you, then you know how hard that can be.

When she learns about Blue 55, a real whale who is unable to speak to other whales, Iris understands how he must feel. Then she has an idea: she should invent a way to “sing” to him! But he’s three thousand miles away. How will she play her song for him?

» Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik

Miryem is the daughter and granddaughter of moneylenders, but her father’s inability to collect his debts has left his family on the edge of poverty–until Miryem takes matters into her own hands. Hardening her heart, the young woman sets out to claim what is owed and soon gains a reputation for being able to turn silver into gold.

When an ill-advised boast draws the attention of the king of the Staryk–grim fey creatures who seem more ice than flesh–Miryem’s fate, and that of two kingdoms, will be forever altered. Set an impossible challenge by the nameless king, Miryem unwittingly spins a web that draws in a peasant girl, Wanda, and the unhappy daughter of a local lord who plots to wed his child to the dashing young tsar.

But Tsar Mirnatius is not what he seems. And the secret he hides threatens to consume the lands of humans and Staryk alike. Torn between deadly choices, Miryem and her two unlikely allies embark on a desperate quest that will take them to the limits of sacrifice, power, and love.

Channeling the vibrant heart of myth and fairy tale, Spinning Silver weaves a multilayered, magical tapestry that readers will want to return to again and again.

» Girls Like Us by Randi Pink

Set in the summer of 1972, this moving YA historical novel is narrated by teen girls from different backgrounds with one thing in common: Each girl is dealing with pregnancy. Four teenage girls. Four different stories. What they all have in common is that they’re dealing with unplanned pregnancies.

In rural Georgia, Izella is wise beyond her years, but burdened with the responsibility of her older sister, Ola, who has found out she’s pregnant. Their young neighbor, Missippi, is also pregnant, but doesn’t fully understand the extent of her predicament. When her father sends her to Chicago to give birth, she meets the final narrator, Susan, who is white and the daughter of an anti-choice senator.

Randi Pink masterfully weaves four lives into a larger story – as timely as ever – about a woman’s right to choose her future.

» The Island of the Sea Women by Lisa See

Set on the Korean island of Jeju, The Island of Sea Women follows Mi-ja and Young-sook, two girls from very different backgrounds, as they begin working in the sea with their village’s all-female diving collective. Over many decades—through the Japanese colonialism of the 1930s and 1940s, World War II, the Korean War, and the era of cellphones and wet suits for the women divers—Mi-ja and Young-sook develop the closest of bonds. Nevertheless, their differences are impossible to ignore: Mi-ja is the daughter of a Japanese collaborator, forever marking her, and Young-sook was born into a long line of haenyeo and will inherit her mother’s position leading the divers. After hundreds of dives and years of friendship, forces outside their control will push their relationship to the breaking point.

This beautiful, thoughtful novel illuminates a unique and unforgettable culture, one where the women are in charge, engaging in dangerous physical work, and the men take care of the children. A classic Lisa See story—one of women’s friendships and the larger forces that shape them—The Island of Sea Women introduces readers to the fierce female divers of Jeju Island and the dramatic history that shaped their lives.

» The Weight of Our Sky by Hanna Alkaf

A music-loving teen with OCD does everything she can to find her way back to her mother during the historic race riots in 1969 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, in this heart-pounding literary debut.

Melati Ahmad looks like your typical moviegoing, Beatles-obsessed sixteen-year-old. Unlike most other sixteen-year-olds though, Mel also believes that she harbors a djinn inside her, one who threatens her with horrific images of her mother’s death unless she adheres to an elaborate ritual of counting and tapping to keep him satisfied.

But there are things that Melati can’t protect her mother from. On the evening of May 13th, 1969, racial tensions in her home city of Kuala Lumpur boil over. The Chinese and Malays are at war, and Mel and her mother become separated by a city in flames.

With a 24-hour curfew in place and all lines of communication down, it will take the help of a Chinese boy named Vincent and all of the courage and grit in Melati’s arsenal to overcome the violence on the streets, her own prejudices, and her djinn’s surging power to make it back to the one person she can’t risk losing.

» Escape from Aleppo by N.H. Senzai

Nadia’s family is forced to flee their home in Aleppo, Syria, when the Arab Spring sparks a civil war in this timely coming-of-age novel from award-winning author N.H. Senzai.

Silver and gold balloons. A birthday cake covered in pink roses. A new dress.

Nadia stands at the center of attention in her parents’ elegant dining room. This is the best day of my life, she thinks. Everyone is about to sing “Happy Birthday,” when her uncle calls from the living room, “Baba, brothers, you need to see this.” Reluctantly, she follows her family into the other room. On TV, a reporter stands near an overturned vegetable cart on a dusty street. Beside it is a mound of smoldering ashes. The reporter explains that a vegetable vendor in the city of Tunis burned himself alive, protesting corrupt government officials who have been harassing his business. Nadia frowns.

It is December 17, 2010: Nadia’s twelfth birthday and the beginning of the Arab Spring. Soon anti-government protests erupt across the Middle East and, one by one, countries are thrown into turmoil. As civil war flares in Syria and bombs fall across Nadia’s home city of Aleppo, her family decides to flee to safety. Inspired by current events, this novel sheds light on the complicated situation in Syria that has led to an international refugee crisis, and tells the story of one girl’s journey to safety.

» The Two Princesses of Bamarre (The Two Princesses of Bamarre #1) by Gail Carson Levine

Twelve-year-old Addie admires her older sister Meryl, who aspires to rid the kingdom of Bamarre of gryphons, specters, and ogres. Addie, on the other hand, is fearful even of spiders and depends on Meryl for courage and protection. Waving her sword Bloodbiter, the older girl declaims in the garden from the heroic epic of Drualt to a thrilled audience of Addie, their governess, and the young sorcerer Rhys.

But when Meryl falls ill with the dreaded Gray Death, Addie must gather her courage and set off alone on a quest to find the cure and save her beloved sister. Addie takes the seven-league boots and magic spyglass left to her by her mother and the enchanted tablecloth and cloak given to her by Rhys – along with a shy declaration of his love. She prevails in encounters with tricky specters (spiders too) and outwits a wickedly personable dragon in adventures touched with romance and a bittersweet ending.

» The Lost Kingdom of Bamarre (The Two Princesses of Bamarre 0.5) by Gail Carson Levine

In this compelling and thought-provoking fantasy set in the world of The Two Princesses of Bamarre, Newbery Honor-winning author Gail Carson Levine introduces a spirited heroine who must overcome deeply rooted prejudice—including her own—to heal her broken country.

Peregrine strives to be the Latki ideal—and to impress her parents: affectionate Lord Tove, who despises only the Bamarre, and stern Lady Klausine. Perry runs the fastest, speaks her mind, and doesn’t give much thought to the castle’s Bamarre servants, who she knows to be weak and cowardly. The Lakti always wage war, and the battlefield will give her the chance to show her valor.

But just as she’s about to join her father on the front lines, she is visited by the fairy Halina, who reveals that Perry isn’t Latki-born. She is a Bamarre. The fairy issues a daunting challenge: against the Lakti might, free her people from tyranny.

» A Crack in the Sea by H.M. Bouwman

An enchanting historical fantasy adventure perfect for fans of Thanhha Lai’s Newbery Honor-winning Inside Out and Back Again   No one comes to the Second World on purpose. The doorway between worlds opens only when least expected. The Raft King is desperate to change that by finding the doorway that will finally take him and the people of Raftworld back home. To do it, he needs Pip, a young boy with an incredible gift—he can speak to fish; and the Raft King is not above kidnapping to get what he wants. Pip’s sister Kinchen, though, is determined to rescue her brother and foil the Raft King’s plans.   This is but the first of three extraordinary stories that collide on the high seas of the Second World. The second story takes us back to the beginning: Venus and Swimmer are twins captured aboard a slave ship bound for Jamaica in 1781. They save themselves and others from a life of enslavement with a risky, magical plan—one that leads them from the shark-infested waters of the first world to the second. Pip and Kinchen will hear all about them before their own story is said and done. So will Thanh and his sister Sang, who we meet in 1976 on a small boat as they try to escape post-war Vietnam. But after a storm and a pirate attack, they’re not sure they’ll ever see shore again. What brings these three sets of siblings together on an adventure of a lifetime is a little magic, helpful sea monsters and that very special portal, A Crack in the Sea.

» The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin

A bizarre chain of events begins when sixteen unlikely people gather for the reading of Samuel W. Westing’s will. And though no one knows why the eccentric, game-loving millionaire has chosen a virtual stranger—and a possible murderer—to inherit his vast fortune, one thing’s for sure: Sam Westing may be dead … but that won’t stop him from playing one last game!

» Ballet Shoes (Shoes #1) by Noel Streatfeild

Pauline, Petrova and Posy are orphans determined to help out their new family by joining the Children’s Academy of Dancing and Stage Training. But when they vow to make a name for themselves, they have no idea it’s going to be such hard work! They launch themselves into the world of show business, complete with working papers, the glare of the spotlight, and practice, practice, practice! Pauline is destined for the movies. Posy is a born dancer. But practical Petrova finds she’d rather pilot a plane than perform a pirouette. Each girl must find the courage to follow her dream.

» Wishtree by Katherine Applegate

Trees can’t tell jokes, but they can certainly tell stories. . . .

Red is an oak tree who is many rings old. Red is the neighborhood “wishtree”—people write their wishes on pieces of cloth and tie them to Red’s branches. Along with her crow friend Bongo and other animals who seek refuge in Red’s hollows, this “wishtree” watches over the neighborhood.

You might say Red has seen it all. Until a new family moves in. Not everyone is welcoming, and Red’s experiences as a wishtree are more important than ever.

» The Library of Ever (The Library of Ever #1) by Zeno Alexander

With her parents off traveling the globe, Lenora is bored, bored, bored–until she discovers a secret doorway in the library and becomes its newly appointed Fourth Assistant Apprentice Librarian.

In her new job, Lenora finds herself helping future civilizations figure out the date, relocates lost penguins, uncovers the city with the longest name on Earth, and more in a quest to help patrons. But there are sinister forces at work that want to destroy all knowledge. To save the library, Lenora will have to test her limits and uncover secrets hidden among its shelves.

» Chains (Seeds of America #1) by Laurie Halse Anderson

As the Revolutionary War begins, thirteen-year-old Isabel wages her own fight…for freedom. Promised freedom upon the death of their owner, she and her sister, Ruth, in a cruel twist of fate become the property of a malicious New York City couple, the Locktons, who have no sympathy for the American Revolution and even less for Ruth and Isabel. When Isabel meets Curzon, a slave with ties to the Patriots, he encourages her to spy on her owners, who know details of British plans for invasion. She is reluctant at first, but when the unthinkable happens to Ruth, Isabel realizes her loyalty is available to the bidder who can provide her with freedom.

From acclaimed author Laurie Halse Anderson comes this compelling, impeccably researched novel that shows the lengths we can go to cast off our chains, both physical and spiritual.

» The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill

Every year, the people of the Protectorate leave a baby as an offering to the witch who lives in the forest. They hope this sacrifice will keep her from terrorizing their town. But the witch in the forest, Xan, is kind and gentle. She shares her home with a wise Swamp Monster named Glerk and a Perfectly Tiny Dragon, Fyrian. Xan rescues the abandoned children and deliver them to welcoming families on the other side of the forest, nourishing the babies with starlight on the journey.

One year, Xan accidentally feeds a baby moonlight instead of starlight, filling the ordinary child with extraordinary magic. Xan decides she must raise this enmagicked girl, whom she calls Luna, as her own. To keep young Luna safe from her own unwieldy power, Xan locks her magic deep inside her. When Luna approaches her thirteenth birthday, her magic begins to emerge on schedule–but Xan is far away. Meanwhile, a young man from the Protectorate is determined to free his people by killing the witch. Soon, it is up to Luna to protect those who have protected her–even if it means the end of the loving, safe world she’s always known.

The acclaimed author of The Witch’s Boy has created another epic coming-of-age fairy tale destined to become a modern classic. 

Which books did you read in April?

Have you read any of the books I read or hauled this month?  If so, what did you think?

Did you buy any books?  If so, which ones?

Comment below & let me know 🙂

April 2020 Reading & Blogging Wrap-Up + Book Haul #BookBlogger #Bookworm #Bibliophile #BookHaul #Reading #Books #WrapUp Goodbye April & hello May! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel & I'm running toward it...

[edge-lorde]

original vampire bullshit

part...... 1? EDIT: PART 2 HERE    part 3 here  part 4 here

idk i wrote like 5 pages of rambling about vampire biology with a bit of disjointed theory at the beginning. i didnt even get into anything orcs related or any of the history or how the world works, but its very long.

if anyone seems interested to know the other stuff, ill write more.

until then:

Vampires. What are they? = sentient viruses.

In this world we are assuming that all viruses are living things, but are descended from NOT the same common ancestor as all other forms of life on earth, which is why they are so weird and don't match up with what we describe life and living things to be. 

Here is a list of what makes a living thing in current science:

are made of one or more cells. 

need energy to stay alive. 

respond to stimuli in their environment.

grow and reproduce.

maintain a stable internal environment.

I don't actually know how many of those things do apply to viruses, but the point is that we defined what a living thing is, and if evolution had gone a little differently, perhaps we would have made a different definition. 

In this world, let's say that all normal viruses like the flu and stuff exist, but there are also ones that don’t. There’s a lot of bullshit science things people smarter than me have figured out about viruses that i don’t have the patience to read. Suffice it to say that for now, vampirism is a form of virus that does not just take over single cells or particular tissues in order to reproduce, but entire organisms. 

In this case, it only effects humans but there could be many similar viruses in this world that work the same way. Basically it's like a mutual thing where, the vampire virus infects a host, and as a result the hosts own reproduction ability is completely shut down, and now they are only able to reproduce via the virus. The host benefits because in human evolution, the body starts to degrade after the age of reproduction. This makes sense because all evolution is is what causes an organism to have more of its DNA survive in the past = what will be alive in the future. 

It benefits the virus for the infected host to be mobile as long as possible because the vampirism virus needs blood exchange from host to host in order to infect. In this way, the infected host being able to travel and make this happen for as long as possible benefits the virus the most, and results in a human that appears to never age and stay in good health long after a human of the same age would have died. 

The human host’s DNA also benefits because even though the original reproduction system is shut down, the virus copies a little bit of the original hosts DNA and transfers it to the next hosts that that person infects. Independent of that, it benefits human populations to have vampires included in society because they live so much longer and can relay information/give extra support from a longer period back in time and for a longer period of time. 

However, nowadays the relationship between vampires and uninfected humans is different and i’ll get to it eventually. 

FIRST: physiology. 

Vampirism is a bone disease. It is passed along through blood contact only. When someone is infected the main thing that changes is that bone marrow stops being able to make new red blood cells, why this would be I'll figure out eventually. To remedy this, they must get their blood through other means. Once infection has taken place, the future vampire will grow new “teeth” otherwise known as “fangs” that connect to their circulatory system. The time period before these new teeth come in is known as the fledgling stage, when a person is considered halfway between human and vampire. More on this later. The end of this stage is signaled when the old human teeth fall out and the new blood-teeth fully emerge. This also usually signals the time when the vampires’ bones will stop making new blood cells. Every vampire has until all their current red blood cells begin to die off to feed and replenish themselves. If they don’t do this, they will die.  If a vampire is unlucky enough to stop making new blood before their teeth are ready they must receive blood in some way or they will super die. 

Vampires are not dead or undead. Magic does not exist in this world, so while getting new blood is a physiological problem that their bodies need to address,  they still need to eat regular food to fuel themselves as well. I thought about making a garlic allergy more common for them just because it would be funny but it actually doesn’t make sense, unfortunately. Vampires can and do eat everything that humans can eat. Raw blood is more palatable for them in taste than it was, and probably do use it more in cuisine as a result, but they can’t gain red blood cells by eating/swallowing blood as food, it must go through their blood fangs or possibly be injected into the bloodstream. 

It also can’t be bad blood-- it must still have living red blood cells and blood types still apply in some sense. When the blood goes through the blood fangs, the body doctors it to a form that won’t get attacked by the body’s immune system, = vampires all have their own, new blood types that are universal receivers to all/most human blood types. For this reason, I feel most animal blood would make a vampire very sick, or perhaps only non-mammal blood? This also makes direct blood transfusion into a vampire via a needle very risky and even likely to make them sick as well. In modern times I imagine that either they have developed a technique of making harvested blood vampire-immune system- friendly before injection, or have a way of injecting the blood directly into their blood-doctoring organ. In any case, blood transfusion is only done on vampires in life or death circumstances. 

I mentioned before that vampires old reproductive systems shut down, that's true. That takes up energy so it's gone. Sex hormones are replaced by vampire hormones that keep organs working. I don’t know enough about biochemistry to say more about how that might work. The more time that goes on, the less clearly masculine or feminine a vampire will look and also the less interested in sex they will be on average. They can still have sex if they want, but the more time that goes on the more medical intervention they may need in order to do it.

There’s a small window of time just after a person has been infected where they are still fertile, for those with sperm that’s until their last batch of them dies off. For those with eggs, it’s usually up until their last ovulation cycle, but in some cases they may still have viable eggs for years afterward that could be harvested and used in IVF, but the longer someone waits the less likely that is to work and the person would need a surrogate, both because the persons uterus may or may not be able to still work and because there's the potential that the unborn baby could be infected by the vampirism virus. That’s a bad thing and I'll explain why in a minute. The kids of new vampires are either infected with vampirism or not, no matter if they have one or two vampire parents. There is no half-vampires in this setting, only full ones and unaffected humans. 

Vampires also age weird. Immediately after being turned, it's like getting a dose of extra youth. As long as one has enough blood, organs that had begun to deteriorate will suddenly get better, reach a state of equilibrium, and then slowly begin to deteriorate at a much slower pace. If they routinely are forced into states of having low amounts of viable blood, they will deteriorate much faster. 

The prime age to be turned is 25 - before someone begins to lose their strength, whenever that is. The aforementioned dose of youth can only do so much, chronic conditions can still affect vampires, though to a lesser degree. 

If a child were to become infected with vampirism, they would skip puberty all together. No matter what age they are, after they are done with their fledgling period, their bones will begin to fuse at the stage they are at and the person will begin to age at the vampire rate as if they were adults. This results in old vampires bitten as kids looking like kids with wrinkles and arthritis. This is why vampire babies are very bad, and super illegal to make. 

In modern times, both adult and child vampires can take hormone treatments to either replace the sex hormones they lost when bitten, or supply the human growth hormones that would allow them to grow up as a human would. In order to get the best result, the latter treatment should be started before the person's bones fuse-- before or just after the end of the fledgling stage. For individuals whose bones have already fused, the treatment may still be recommended for some-- they can still have a puberty but won’t get any taller. 

There is also the issue of the brain. The reason why it's considered optimal for vampires not to be turned until at least 25 is because that is when the brain finishes maturing. Once turned, the vampires brain may also stop maturing. I don't actually know that much about the brain, so this section relies on info that someone knows, but not me. If it's the case that the brain’s maturation is caused by growth hormones, then taking them will let the underage vampire’s brain finish growing. Hooray! If it's just caused by being alive and figuring things out via life experience, hooray! They don’t need any kind of treatment. If it's not caused by either of these concepts, then their brains stop maturing at whatever age they were bitten at and will never go far beyond that. 

For the aging brain, vampirism will initially improve general brain function and temporarily halt dementia. This is because during the fledgling stage, the infected person's brain will begin to detach emotion to their old memories as a human and begin to create new neurons. As a person's memories become less and less personal, they will bond to the vampire who turned them. The exploitation of a fledgling  by their vampire parent is again, super illegal.

The new vampire will essentially lose the person they once were and gain new formative memories during this period. This is a very real physiological process that is difficult to protect against. They will retain all of their old memories, but all emotion attached to them will be lost. Even if a vampire manages to remember their past fondly, if they were to be presented with the people, places, and things that they once loved, they might not even recognize them. If they do, they won’t have an emotional response. It will be as if they know that this person or thing was once important to someone, but was it really to them?

The undead may not exist in this world but that doesn't mean becoming a vampire isn’t a serious loss to a person's humanity. This loss primes the new vampire to find a new place in life with their vampire community......

[moononmyfloor]

Review: The Tyrant's Tomb by Rick Riordan

Thoughts on The Cover

Well, if you've seen my previous posts by now you'd know that I'm not a big fan of loud and action-packed covers. I prefer classy, if not always subtle. But you might like it! See, Reyna is owning the bigger portion of it, which is a nice change. :-)

Ok to Low Points

Halfway through the book, I was STILL unable to "get" into the story

Literally, not much was going on for 2/3 of the whole book, which is very surprising considering:

The time between the release dates of The Tyrant's Tomb and The Burning Maze is the longest as of yet. Whereas other books within a series have come out within twelve months of each other, these two books will be released within eighteen months of each other.

.....and that even the most boring books by Uncle Rick had some silver linings here and there to keep you engaged. Even The Dark Prophecy had the gang arrive and settle in Indianapolis, visit the zoo and free Griffins and REVISIT the emperor. Here? Apollo and Co. escorted Jason's hearse into Camp Jupiter in a frankly insulting manner(more about that later), Apollo got sick, we see that the noble prophecies are being tattooed on Tyson's back, Apollo and Co. went on a lil' trial quest and returned, Apollo got more sick.🤷‍♀️ I was so confused I opened the previous books to see how far those stories had progressed by midpoint.

It got slightly better later on, but it doesn't change the fact throughout the 1st half of the book I just kept on turning pages SIMPLY because I wanted it to get it on with and finish the story. Sad.

2. The so-called Tyrant

I didn't see much tyranny, like...only 3 pages were spent in the Tyrant's Tomb and his company, bad old Commodus and Caligula had more appearances than Tarquin who re-appeared in the very last chapters only to get immediately vanquished courtesy of Diana.....yeah. That's that.

3. How Jason's final voyage was depicted

Uncle Rick doesn't write emotional crying scenes well.

People talk about peeing and pop chewing gum bubbles while delivering the hearses of valued, honored characters.

And I seriously wonder in what position and condition poor Jason's body was after all the drama his coffin underwent.

And based on the spoilery lines(which sadly turned out to be not spoilers at all) we saw in the Magnus Chase series I thought we'd at least get a Percy-Annabeth cameo in this, that Jason will have more of his closest comrades mourning and sending him off. Nah. Nada. Not even a mention of Annabeth. Then why did Uncle Rick mention things like Annabeth and Percy being at California and even Magnus joining them at their time of crisis? Utter puzzlement. And we were also robbed of Nico's reaction to Jason's demise, considering how much Nico valued Jason as a brother-in-arms and a friend. Let's not even talk about Thalia. Why, Uncle Rick? :-(

Which brings us to...

4. Plot Inconsistencies

Why do I have to talk about this in each and every book? :-( Seriously, why would you write about Percy and Annabeth going to New Rome to attend college and being broken hearted over Jason DURING the period of Demigod communication malfunction, only to have us know they have YET to travel across the country and when we meet them again it would still be at New York? And now the communication is working, proving that Uncle Rick conveniently forgot about the clues he conveniently dropped.

AT LEAST I'm glad one thing is consistent in the Trials of Apollo series, that when Zeus decided they'll stop meddling too much in demigod affairs at the end of Heroes of Olympus, he meant it and now it's super duper hard to seek a god even for dire needs, no matter how wonderfully (ill)timed that decision was, costing lives of valued heroes.

5. The Haiku-titles weren't amusing at all this time.

I found one fun haiku .

O, blood moon rising

Take a rain check on doomsday

I’m stuck in traffic

6. The whole Apollo-Reyna debacle.

I would say Uncle Rick pulled a clever twist by turning fan theories on their heads here, but it too way more plot space than needed and when he got to the "Gotcha!" part, I was not feeling it. For YEARS now, we heard abut this no-mortal-no-demigod thing over and over, and fans predicted it might mean Apollo's the one for Reyna. And when it initially seemed like it was the route that Uncle Rick was indeed taking, the only thought that circulated inside my head was; "Reyna doesn't need this completely random and unwanted baggage! Give the girl a dam break!!" But then he was like; "Lol nooo. You kids are wrong", but STILL I was not happy...well, for obvious reasons.

What's the point of this whole plotline? So unnecessary. I mean, the fans always wondered WHY exactly would Reyna think she needs a partner in her life, but now I see Reyna might not have had time to contemplate her personal life logically like WE had what's with her dramatic life. Of course the shallow gods would think her heart was something to be "cured" and Reyna never stopped to think that it's quite the opposite till Apollo provided her with a breather and reason. And to answer why din't she choose to join Amazons instead of Hunters is probably that she wanted to be her own person and not be under her sis the Queen once again. She'd indeed have the freedom, calm and few friends so she wouldn't feel lonely and bored with the Hunt. She might even choose to leave Hunters after she found herself in her own time. I get it. But the way it was dragged and executed was meh.

If Uncle Rick intended this plotline of Reyna to be empowering for female readers, in my opinion it was not. Yes, even a badass girl could have weaknesses, not enough self-confidence and wobbly life choices, but Reyna took too much time with her "Eureka!" moment.

It was funny while it lasted, at least.

“Lester.” Reyna sighed. “What in Tartarus are you saying? I’m not in the mood for riddles.”

“That maybe I’m the answer,” I blurted. “To healing your heart. I could…you know, be your boyfriend. As Lester. If you wanted. You and me. You know, like…yeah.”

HAHAHAHA. That Totally came from the left field Lester, even for you.

“Your girlfriend was pregnant when you had her killed?” Reyna launched another kick at my face. I managed to dodge it, since I’d had a lot of practice cowering, but it hurt to know that this time she hadn’t been aiming at an incoming raven. Oh, no. She wanted to knock my teeth in.

“You suck,” Meg agreed.

I mean, if THIS is not the ultimate deal breaker then what is? Apollo might have changed for better by now, but it doesn't mean we can overlook what he did. I for one certainly don't need a loveline for him in this series. I'm glad Uncle Rick drew(or at least seemed to have) a clear line here.

High Points

It took half the page count even for Uncle Rick's special brand of snark to return. Nonetheless I managed to find some good ones. Which is what matters, right?

1.

“So,” I said, making a second attempt at nonchalance, “are you and Thalia, er…?”

Reyna raised an eyebrow. “Involved romantically?”

“Well, I just…I mean…Um…”

Oh, very smooth, Apollo. Have I mentioned I was once the god of poetry?

Reyna rolled her eyes. “If I had a denarius for every time I got that question…Aside from the fact that Thalia is in the Hunters, and thus sworn to celibacy…Why does a strong friendship always have to progress to romance?"

Preach, sister. But then again I would have to ask did YOU have to swear to celibacy to prove your independence....which is sort of the point🙄..

2.

Even when I was a god and could speak any language I wanted, I’d never sung well in Italian. I kept mixing it up with Latin, so I came off sounding like Julius Caesar with a head cold.

LOL

3.

It was time to be helpful. I needed to be repulsive for my friends!

Which you're most of the time...the latter sentence I mean.

4. Don't we all relate? 😂

“O protector of Rome!” I read aloud. “O insert name here!”

5. And one more.

I bet Gregorix was wishing he’d pursued that business degree his mom always wanted him to get. Being a barbarian bodyguard was mentally exhausting.

.

Heartrending quotes.

1.

This was the source of all our communications troubles—one sad, angry, forgotten little god.

2. This was the wisest quote I saw in the book. The simple indescribable deepness of letting go.

“Good-bye, Apollo,” said the Sibyl’s voice, clearer now. “I forgive you. Not because you deserve it. Not for your sake at all. But because I will not go into oblivion carrying hate when I can carry love.”

Even if I could’ve spoken, I wouldn’t have known what to say. I was in shock. Her tone asked for no reply, no apology. She didn’t need or want anything from me. It was almost as if I were the one being erased.

3. I was saddened to learn about Julia's untimely loss, but I'm sure everybody had a meltdown moment at the following scene.

The old god’s face hardened a bit more, which shouldn’t have been possible for stone. “I see. Well. I’ve concentrated the last bits of my power here, around Julia. They may destroy New Rome, but they will not harm this girl!”

“Or this statue!” said Julia.

4. Honestly? I too forgot until Apollo pointed it out and then I had *shivers*! They're one immediate family, grieving over one loss that affects all of them in various ways, and having mixed reactions about each others the members who survived!

I shivered. How easy it was to forget that this young woman was also my sister. And Jason was my brother. At one time, I would have discounted that connection. They’re just demigods, I would have said. Not really family.

Overall Conclusion

This is the most bored-outta-my-mind I felt after reading a PJO universe book. Am I finally growing out of the Percy Jackson and the Heroes of Olympus fandom? Oh dear, I hope not. I can't imagine living without it and I'm SO not happy with this new development. Just as I feared, Uncle Rick couldn't keep it up after the excellent Burning Maze and now.....please, for your fans' sake who had been loyal for years, I hope at least the final book delivers. Just so we could at least part ways/go dormant with pleasant sentiments and a content heart.🙆‍♀️

[stu-dna]

how I survived my first semester at uni

somehow I made it through. here’s what helped:

(this is going to differ for everyone based on how you study best & what subjects you're studying! I am a science major so business/law majors probably won't benefit much from this, sorry <3 )

I. NOTES

figure out what type of note taking works best for you

—I started out by handwriting my notes. It was fine until my handwriting disintegrated and even I couldn't read what was happening. Also, carrying around a whole bunch of notebooks and folders got way too heavy for my back.

—I then switched to taking notes digitally. It took some getting used to, but now I absolutely love it. I use Notability for pretty much everything.

organisation is your best friend

—I colour-code by subject, e.g. all biology notes are blue and all chemistry notes are green and I swear to god if one more person tells me that biology should be green imma fight a bitch. That also means that my highlighters in each digital notebook are the corresponding colours, so I’m able to see what subject each page is without having to read too much into it.

—I also separate my notes based on type, for example in-class notes, "pretty" notes, and practice sheets are separate categories. Within these categories the aforementioned colour-coding comes into play.

II. STUDYING

I fell in LOVE with flashcards

—I literally have a 20cm high stack of flashcards from my last exam (which I aced btw :) ). It's like that for nearly every exam.

—Speaking of which... some subjects don't work well with flashcards (for me at least) e.g physics and maths. This is something that you can usually figure out early on in the semester.

—Again, organisation will save your life. I use these boxes to separate my cards by subject, then within the box I use coloured cards (of course corresponding to the subject) to separate card types/sub-subjects.

practice exams are there (legally or not...) for a reason

—Practice exams are how I did well in physics (my least favourite subject). I separated all the questions by concept and then learned what I needed to by solving about 10 problems per concept. Same with my maths exam.

—If you have access to more than a couple of past exams you can familiarise yourself with the problems that tend to come up more frequently and how the professor tends to ask certain about certain concepts.

learn where you study best/most efficiently

—I absolutely cannot study at home. Too many distractions plus my bed is so comfortable...

—I found that the library worked perfectly. If I was out of my house then I might as well stay out and study. Also, the general academic atmosphere really helped me with motivation.

—To music or not to music, that is the question. Again, it depends on how and what you are studying. Physics and maths, for example, were just practice problems, so I would listen to music. I would also listen when writing flashcards. When learning flashcards, I'd either listen to rain sounds or absolutely nothing besides the scribbling of pens and the occasional sniffle. It all depends on how you focus best.

Ill. HEALTH

physical health

—Get your blood flowing. When I was in the library studying I would stand up every 45 minutes and go do squats and stretches in the bathroom. This can also help you focus (!).

—Every couple of hours, stand up and walk around for about 5 to 10 minutes. It gives you a little break and gets your blood circulating.

—I started cycling to uni. It is 5km (about half an hour) each way and I don't think I've been fitter in my life. It has done wonders for my mental health too.

—Drink water!! In the library I would only let myself stand up to stretch / pee after I finished an entire water bottle. This was every 45 minutes. I peed a lot.

—If the sun shines, go stand outside for a couple of minutes. This was a rare treat for me because where I live in Germany the winters are grey, grey, and darker grey. You need vitamin C and serotonin. Get some.

mental health

—Sleep. You need it. Trust me. Staying up really late to study for a bit longer before an exam isn't worth it. It'll lead to stupid mistakes that will bring your grade down and leave you feeling even more crappy.

—Take study breaks. If you are feeling mentally tired due to stress/over-studying, go home. Go to sleep. Let yourself sleep. It's worth it. Trying to cram more material in when you just can't do any more will not help you.

—Don't be afraid to not take an exam. At one point, I had 5 exams within 8 days of each other. I decided to not take the 4th one and to instead give myself a break and prepare for the 5th exam. It was the best decision I've made so far in uni. If you are worried about how not taking an exam will affect you in terms of your uni career, talk to an advisor or older student.

—Remember that you are not alone. Make one friend, even just an acquaintance. Reach out to old friends from school. Reach out to someone online, even anonymously. (I’m almost always online if you wanna chat <3 )

nutrition

—I'm really hypocritical for saying this, but eat breakfast. It makes a massive difference in your energy levels throughout the day.

—Eat a goddamn vegetable.

—Coffee can be your best friend but also your worst enemy. Use it responsibly.

—Alcohol is your own choice. Don't let anyone pressure you into drinking. You can have fun with or without it. And if someone tries to get you to drink even after you’ve said no, get the hell out of there.

IV. MISCELLANEOUS

—Sometimes skipping classes is worth it, but it's up to you to make the right choices as to which. I went to a grand total of 3 physics lectures and got a 1,3 on the exam (;

—You don't need to buy textbooks. Ask your classmates & have a look online (;

—BRING A PHONE CHARGER WITH YOU EVERYWHERE. I have a backpack changer and a home changer, and they live in those places.

—Carry painkillers, antacids, etc. around with you. Either you or someone you know will need some.

—Shower, especially if you are staying long days in the library. It will make you feel more alive.

—Find a cafe that you can retreat to when the library makes you want to rip your own eyes out.

—Treat yourself every now and again. Be it ice cream or a nice notebook or a frozen pizza or a fucking avocado, it’ll be worth it.

sometime in the future I’ll make a couple of posts where I’ll go into detail about some of the things I mentioned above (eg how I use Notability, my flashcard system, organisation, etc.)

unless this was absolute shite; if so lmk and I’ll go hide in a hole <3

[camofworms]

List of coping mechanism for various brain stuff

I’m writing this list for me and for anyone who could benefit from it. Please read through this because any of these could help you. Read especially if you are mentally ill. Things to do when you are stuck

-Take a sip of water - Trace your fingers on one hand with a finger on your other hand. From one end to the other. Switch hands. And repeat until you can make more movements. - Splash cold water on your face - Open a window - Hold a dog or cat (do not recommend holding an animal that needs fast action in case of emergencies like reptiles prone to bolting) When you brain is stuck - Count to 100. Count back from 100 - List five things you see. four things you hear. 3 things you smell. two things you feel. maybe one thing you taste. Bring yourself back into reality. ground your self into the now. When you are depressed or sad - Listen to upbeat music - watch a funny movie - List three positive things that happened that day or that week - Really really try to focus on positives. It’s really hard but I promise it helps - Do an activity you enjoy. Depression can make you loose interest in activities you usually enjoy, push yourself to do them anyways. Future self will be grateful that you didn’t give up on those interests. - take a walk. or stick your head out a window - Do something spontaneous and safe - Go outside and scream as loud as you can - Cry. Just let yourself cry. I don’t mean force yourself to cry on command, I mean if you are holding something back, stop holding it.

- If you have a feeling something is causing your mood to drop, grab a pen and paper, or open up a document on your computer. Just type. Type everything that comes to mind no matter how mundane it is. Don’t even have to focus on the emotions or anything. Even if you don’t end up with a reason behind your emotions you might end up knowing what you need at that moment. Please be careful about this though. If you have trauma your not ready to safely face without professional help, you really probably shouldn’t do anything that could trigger you. If you know you need a distraction and not any reasons, listen to your gut. -Hold a warm animal -Remember all the people you know support you.  -Write letters to your loved ones. You don’t even have to give them the letters. Make sure its full of positivety though. Just write about how much your appreciate them.  -Exercise!! Do something enjoyable to you. I rollerblade. It releases chemicals into your body that will help you feel better. Even running down your street full sprint until you can’t breath will help.

Things to do instead of harming yourself (I am speaking from a place of experience) -Doodle -Get paper and just tear it up -Destroy something that you wont regret having been destroyed later. Destroying things you love could be a form of self harm. - Scream -Wrap your head up in something tight like an ace bandage (if you feel like beating yourself up or hitting your head on a wall)

- Call up a friend or message a friend to see if they can be physically with you. -Draw on yourself -Stim (repetitive or ongoing stimuli)

-Grab an old book you don’t care about and draw in the pages.

- Excercise. Yes that sounds fucking awful but make it enjoyable. I rollerblade. When I want to hurt myself I rollerblade as fast and hard as I can until I am out of breath and my legs burn. It hurts, but at least this hurt is beneficial to my health. It also releases a lot of good chemicals in your body that will help you feel better.

Dealing with executive dysfunction (difficulty starting continuing and finishing task. Look more into this because I don’t know how to define it better) - When having difficulty sorting up steps of a task. It’s okay to take time to write down the steps. And break the steps up as as far as you need to.

- Focus on the very first step. Getting up or crossing the room. -Start with something small. Wiggle your legs. Sit up. Or go get yourself a glass of water.

-This is going to sound really difficult and sometimes impossible. You might even tell me it’s prototypical nonsense, and I am not saying everyone can do this. But that wall in your brain keeping you from doing what you need to do? It’s glass. And it can be shattered. Push through it. Literally just do it. Imagine your brain is popping alive and imagine how that would feel and get up. I used to get really angry when people told me to do this but, once I started really trying to recover I realized no actual physical thing is keeping me from doing what I need to do.

- Eat something small like a granola bar or something. Takes a lot of steps and actions to do that but it comes naturally and could get the rest of your body going. -ASK FOR HELP!! I know there are people who laughed at us or got angry at us for asking for help. But if you have a friend, or someone you trust not to make you feel like shit, ask for help. You need help taking your shirt off and your partner or best friend is there? Ask for help. Need help drinking water? Need someone to physically pull you up from bed? Need someone to move a blanket from the front of the door because you can’t figure out how to do it? Ask for help.  You are not annoying. You are not a burden. Our brains are really complicating machines, and at times too complicating for itself to function.

What to do when you can’t breath (Do to panicking or anxiety attack)

- Use grounding techniques. You can research grounding techniques now and save them on a piece of paper that you keep in your pocket. My favorite one is the one I have already mentioned. 5 things you see. 4 things you hear. 3 things you smell. 2 things you feel. You can also count backwards from 100. Count forward by 2s or 5s or which ever number comes naturally. If you need physical touch and someone is available to provide that hug them or have them hug you. Weight and pressure are great for grounding. - All while doing these grounding techniques. Focus on your breathing. One breath at a time. It feels like nothing is being pulled into your lungs but you are breathing. You are okay. You are not dying.

Things to do when you can’t speak. Speaking takes a lot more energy than people realize. There is a lot of brain processing going on to get words out and into verbal sounds that make sense.

-Pull out your phone and type it down. -Come up with a way to symbol to close family and friends that you can not think or speak currently. This could be just a simple hand sign. I used to knock against my head when I was in this mode. -Don’t force yourself to speak, it doesn’t benefit you and causes more stress. -People may want to know whats going on and continue ask if you are okay. It slips from their mouth even when they know you can’t answer. You do not have to answer. Nod, shake your head, you don’t owe them an answer unless you are ready to give it. I have not personally experienced intense paranoia and delusions and do not have advise for that. Talk to people who experience it and talk to experts. I am not an export on any of these things. These are things that have worked for me and others a significant amount to write it down. Not everything on this list will work for you, but you wont know until you try it multiple times. Maybe it will work one time but not another. Please take care of yourself.

Sensory overload

- Get yourself out of the enviroment causing you to over load - Carry emergency equipment specialized for you. Headphones, sunglasses, stim toys, etc - If you are trapped in bad environment because no one will help you. Scream until they help you. Melt down if you need to. its scary as shit when its that bad but this is how i survived highschool. They won’t let me leave the cafeteria? i scream and pull my hair and call them names until they send me to the counselors office. This is last resort for dire emergencies. Because if I didnt scream I would have a meltdown in public anyways. - come up with emergency plans and tell them to those who can put them into action in case of emergencies - ground yourself - sometimes its okay to let yourself go into autopilot. Sensory underload (yah its a thing) - keep stim toys on you - if you feel you need to hurt yourself use techniques above for not hurting yourself - go on a walk - take a shower or bath - do multiple things at once. multi task - loud music - ask a friend to get up and do something with you. like spontanious excercise in the middle of the room. dance. play a fast paste video game. go on a walk with you. go on an adventure - Work on your projects to get into a flow. A term I learned in basic pych class. Essentially loosing yourself in a challenging activity you enjoy.

[recklessheroism-archive-blog]

( reposted from my about page in a reblogabble form w/ formatting changes. if you find the formatted version visually difficult or irritating to read, the unformatted version is on the about page! this & the about page will be updated as i learn more things about my muse. )

for the most part, my portrayal will follow the canon of star trek: alternate original series. however, here are some things i’ve added to my version of jim.

trigger warnings: abuse, starvation, murder, death, ptsd, traumatic mutism, bipolar disorder, & eating disorder.

triggers are bolded at the beginning of each section so that you can skip over anything that may be triggering for you. if you’d like a summary of any part that you skipped over, feel free to ask me! i can change things around, to a certain extent, so that we can write together.

1. tw: abuse. jim & his stepfather, frank, were not on the best of terms. ever since frank had come into his life, jim had despised him. there was just something about the way he treated winona that jim didn’t like. he’d only given the guy a chance at his mother’s request, something which he sorely regretted after she married him. when winona went back to starfleet, sam ran away from home & jim was left with frank & his abusive tendencies. it started just bad moods & snide remarks, but the remarks got worse with time. words became stronger, louder. they were picked more carefully, picked to tear the young boy apart. & as if that wasn’t enough, frank shoved him, hit him, even made him bleed. the effects of this abuse still haunt jim, but he’s been healing with time & distance.

2. tw: starvation, murder, death. after jim had stolen & wrecked frank’s car, frank unilaterally enrolled jim in the earth colony on tarsus iv. winona had no knowledge of this decision, as she was off-world with starfleet. the distance was freeing, at first. he was glad to be out from under frank’s thumb at last. on tarsus iv, he was able to live the kind of childhood he’d wanted. for a time, he was happy. he did well in school, he played sports, he had friends — he thrived. but unfortunately, it didn’t last.

famine fell over the colony as an exotic fungus destroyed their food supply. suddenly, paradise had become hell. as colonists panicked & worried, riots began to break out. jim ran from the facility he’d been living at with the few children he knew that were now or previously orphaned, & they stuck together for as long as they could. naturally, he took charge of the small group, organizing them in a way that would benefit the group the most. he & the older children would scavenge for food while those younger would stay together & hide.

it worked for a short while, but like the rest of those who had survived the first wave of death, their group began to succumb as well. jim tried his best to care for them all. he made sure they had first pick of the food, & he only ate as much as he needed to survive another day. he did everything he could to make sure they survived. there are things he did there that he’ll never speak of.

but the worst of it all was how he killed to save them. the first time, he didn’t sleep for days. he felt so ill he could barely move, but he had to. he had to take care of the others. it got a little easier with time, but it was always a last resort. in the end, though, he lost most of them to starvation or illness or both. by the end, it was only him & kevin riley left.

they were eventually forced to rejoin a larger group out of necessity when kevin fell ill. jim refused to let the young boy die too. with help from the larger group, they were able to nurse him back to relative health. but that’s when it happened.

governor kodos, under the pretense of aid, divided the remaining colonists into two groups. unbeknownst to them, the division would cost 4,000 colonists their lives. kodos had separated the survivors based on strength & likelihood of survival. those who were stronger & more likely to survive were allowed to live. those who were weaker & less likely were executed. jim was one of nine eyewitnesses to the execution.

supply ships arrived too late to save the 4,000 sentenced to death, but when they arrived, jim & the remaining orphaned children were sent home to earth. to this day, jim still has ptsd & nightmares about life on tarsus iv & the execution of 4,000 innocent survivors.

3. tw: ptsd, traumatic mutism. following the traumatic events on tarsus iv, jim & kevin returned to earth & were placed into the care of jim’s mother, who had returned as soon as she had learned of the famine & that frank had sent jim there. at that point, she was in the process of divorcing frank, & she filed for a restraining order on her & jim’s behalf.

jim regularly saw a child psychologist to help him through his ptsd. directly following the events of the tarsus iv massacre, jim went without speaking for about a month. his psychologist assured his mother that he would speak when he was ready, & that it was his mind’s way of coping with what happened.

additionally, for years after his return from tarsus iv, jim would hide scraps of food around the house. this was both to convince his mother that he was finishing his meals & out of fear that another famine could occur at any moment.

with time & support, his symptoms have nearly disappeared, but he will occasionally have periods of ptsd related distress, specifically in the form of nightmares & anxiety, even in adulthood.

4a. tw: bipolar disorder. while at starfleet academy, jim began to act out of the ordinary. some days, he found it difficult to get out of bed. or when he did, he felt incredibly numb & unable to enjoy all the things he loved to do. some days, he couldn’t sleep at all & stayed out all night, & he could become incredibly irritible at the drop of a hat. there was no obvious reason as to why he behaved these ways, so jim hadn’t seen them as a problem at the time. but as these behaviors & others began to exhibit themselves, jim’s friends became increasingly worried about him. leonard mccoy was especially concerned.

being jim’s roommate & best friend, leonard had a hard time standing by & allowing jim to push himself into riskier & riskier situations. shortly after leonard had expressed this concerns, jim began to see that he was right. he had been denying any problems he’d been facing for far too long, & he needed to confront them instead. so, with a lot of coaxing from leonard, jim made an appointment to see one of starfleet academy’s mental health professionals.

the process of diagnosis didn’t happen overnight. in fact, it took many weeks before they reached any sort of conclusion. but when they did, it was then that jim learned he had bipolar disorder.  ( this form is likely bipolar II disorder. source: here. )  at the time, he was unsure of what this meant, but he was assured by the counseling team that with some help & support, he would be able to manage his moods better.

for the rest of his time at the academy, he continued attending weekly therapy sessions & tried out different medications until he & his therapist were satisfied he’d found the right one. while friends came & went, leonard was there every step of the way.

by the time he was given command of the enterprise, he was mentally in a much healthier state. but that doesn’t mean he never struggled. currently, he does what he can to manage his symptoms, but he’s human, & he can’t always handle them as well as he would like to. but with the help & support of his close friends, his therapist, & a strict self-imposed therapy plan, he generally manages well.  ( for more information on bipolar disorder, go here. many of the items in the chart of signs & symptoms apply to jim during the corresponding episodes. )

4b. tw: abuse, eating disorder, bipolar disorder. as a result of growing up with a physically, verbally, & emotionally abusive step-father, jim occasionally has trouble when it comes to taking care of himself. specifically, he has a mild form of anorexia & struggles with eating enough food. this tendency seems to stem from the traumatic events of tarsus iv & childhood self-esteem issues brought on by his step-father, who often made negative comments about his weight when he was young.

this disordered eating has gotten better with time & effort, but he is more likely to relapse during depressive & manic episodes of his bipolar disorder. during depressive episodes, his self-esteem is lowered & he begins to worry about his weight. this causes him to eat very little. during manic episodes, he can be moving so quickly & erratically that he forgets to eat. 

even when he is not experiencing symptoms of an episode, he can have trouble with food. as a result of his time spent in crisis on tarsus iv, he rarely eats a full meal. he feels that there must be other people who need food more than he does, so he can go without for them. it’s a habit, a destructive thought he’s been trying to break, but it’s been years & he still has trouble. with a lot of coaxing & assurance, he can finish a meal, but he never feels truly great about it. he has, however, broken his habit of hiding large quantities of food. 

5. on a lighter note, jim has a cat! her name is rosie & he adores her. he found her during one of the enterprise’s pit stops when she stowed away on the ship. he loves her so much that no one has had the heart to remind him that it’s not exactly allowed.

she is very affectionate & serves as an emotional support animal for jim as well as an unofficial therapy cat for most of the bridge crew, as those are the crewmembers closest to jim.

rosie is a special cat as well. she has the ability to walk on walls & ceilings, & she is often found hiding on one of those surfaces when she wants some alone time. additionally, her eyes & fur appear to sparkle a bit, like she was bathed in stars.

6. jim is very respectful of women.  ( fuck you, j.j. abrams. )  therefore, that scene where he hid under gaila’s bed and saw nyota undressing? jim may have seen nyota, but he immediately looked away. same goes for that scene with carol marcus changing. james. tiberius. kirk. respects. women.

7. follow these links for romance & sex headcanons. 

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Kanaru Abe Presents: Elkin Ramírez, vocals & leader on Kraken until 2017

From: Kraken Photosets Series 7/7

Banner: Photo from the Mägo de Oz Fest 2013 at Bogotá, Colombia, November 9th 2013. Drawing by Kanaru Abe 1- With bassist Luis Ramírez on Vive Latino 2014, on Ciudad de México, March 2014. 2- I don’t know the time where this photo was taken. Found as one of the banners of the official page of the band 3- Again with Luis Ramírez and having him as his “pillow”, apparently performing “Vestido de Cristal”. This photo is from June 20th 2015, his last live, in Royal Center Theater in Bogotá, before he was diagnosed with the illness which would end up taking his life. 4- From 2011, originally was taken for an interview with “El Colombiano” Journal. It was included later on the last pages of “La Fortaleza del Titán” book, written by Rafael González Toro. 5- Full-band photo, in 2013 in México. Apparently the transporter did not pay some taxes and they ended up with the car inmobilized... 6- From a 2012 year live in Bogotá. 7- Being “sandwiched” by Luis Ramírez (left) and Andrés Leiva (right), with Rubén Gélvez (up) being the “topping” of the “sandwich”, on a photo inside their hotel room in México in 2013 year. 8- Playing with one of the cameras who were used for the recording of “Kraken 30 Años: La Fortaleza del Titán“ DVD, at the end of “Sin Miedo al Dolor”, at the Orquideorama of Jardín Botánico of Medellín, Colombia, December 18th 2013. 9- Taking a rest and eating a “cholado” (a typical sweet drink with fruits of Southwest of Colombia) in Cali, Colombia, in March 15 2015, while promoting the “La Fortaleza del Titán” book there.

----

Name: Elkin Fernando Ramírez Zapata Nicknames: El Indio Pepe (childhood nickname), Jefe/Jefecito (”Boss”, by his bandmantes and some fans), Titán (reference to the band, most of the fans call him this way), Nando (”Fernando” variant, by his mother; his parents didn’t call him by his first name) Birthplace: Medellín, Colombia Birthdate: October 26th, 1962 Day of death: January 29th, 2017 (Medellín, Colombia) Entered on Kraken in: June 18th 1984 (founding member) Positions: Vocals, Lyrics, General Director (until his passing) Albums he appears: Todo Hombre es una Historia Demo-EP (1986) (Vocals, lyrics) Escudo y Espada Demo-EP (1986) (Vocals, lyrics) Kraken I (1987) (Vocals, lyrics, cover artwork) Kraken II (1989) (Vocals, lyrics, cover artwork) Kraken III (1990) (Vocals, lyrics, cover artwork) Kraken IV: Piel de Cobre (1993) (Vocals, lyrics, cover artwork, production) Kraken V: El Símbolo de la Huella (1995) (Vocals, lyrics) Una Leyenda del Rock! (1999) (Vocals, lyrics, production) Huella y Camino (2002 & 2005) (Vocals, lyrics) Tributo Nacional al Titán (2004; cover album produced by Andrés Felipe Muñoz, drummer and leader of Tr3s de Corazón) (Vocals on “Escudo y Espada” self-cover by Kraken) Filarmónico (2006) (Vocals, lyrics) Humana Deshumanización (2009) (Vocals, lyrics, cover artwork) Kraken VI: Sobre Esta Tierra (2016) (Vocals, lyrics, production) Kraken 30 Años: La Fortaleza del Titán (live DVD 2014&2017) (Vocals) El Legado (2017; compilatory, limited edition and collector-targeted EP release produced by Psychophony Records) (Appears as vocals in all the tracks; the booklet included some of his manuscript writtings) 

Other bands: Former member of Lemon Juice (1980-1981), Kripzy (1982) and Ferrotrack (1983) Guest vocals for several bands on Colombian rock scene, among them Arckano (”Milicia”, 2012) and Tr3s de Corazón (”La Estupidez de Este Mundo Demente”, 2011)

Other work info: (Former) owner of Athenea Producciones (independent music label, where Kraken is) Former singing private teacher Formation in painting, sculpture, writting and singing; self-taught, since he decided don’t go to University

One day, a nameless band by young guys of Medellín needed a vocal, and then it was recommended a guy with a powerful and skilled voice who was getting some name in the underground rock scene of Medellín. But Elkin already was in Ferrotrack, so he put a condition to the guys: They had to practice a lot for a year, and if they were able of pull it the repertory, he would join them. Clearly, they got it. The day Elkin decided to leave Ferrotrack and join this project was June 18th, 1984. By then it was also decided, by idea of Elkin, the name of that band: Kraken.

The reason Elkin became the de facto leader was because he was the oldest one and he was the only who had the time for manage things such as the money of the lives, representate the guys or travelling in bus for get people for lives, since all his mates were still finishing school or doing University, by then. Also, his mates of then trusted him to write the lyrics of all the songs, something that he always liked.

The demo EPs made enough noise on Medellín, and eventually they earned enough attention to sign a music label contract and record Kraken I, who was successful on the local scene, a major goal, and eventually Kraken II, who led them to mainstream recognizement with Vestido de Cristal.

But Kraken also had loads of lineup changes, mostly because of the struggles to stay on a band, responsabilities, and in some cases the economical issue, since Colombian labels weren’t (and aren’t) really interested on support rock. By late 1995, the only remaining original member in the band was Elkin himself. Because of this, he decided to take a decision: To protect the band legally and make it an organization where he would be the general boss, because of suffering of the project because of the greed of the intermediaries. This is because for him, Kraken was not only his band, it was his life project. So, since 1996, he was the legal boss of the band, not only a leader. This did not save the band of too many changes until 00s, but was a warrant of survivance for the project over the years.

Only after of this decision, Kraken could eventually manage to do a live album, the Huella y Camino, their most sold release. But in 2003, Elkin decided to move from Medellín to Bogotá, tired of the stagnation of the scene of his hometown. He even dared to say that if the band stayed in Medellín, it would have disbanded. Only then, he could form what is today the actual lineup, and the project Kraken Filarmónico, pioneer in Colombia and Latin America, as well as a theater-concept live such as the 30 years lives and stay in the scene, with high-quality albums and international tours for several parts of Latin America, even despite of the issues with mainstream media.

But in 2015, he was found with a brain malign tumour, what put temporally Kraken VI in a hold because of surgeries and very expensive treatments, but still he managed to record the vocals. Sadly, after of the release (September 2016), his health decayed fast, though most details of the actual situation were known only by 2017. While his passing was for most fans a shock, because they did really expect Elkin to survive, when the details of the situation were known, it was revealed that by December 2016, his days were already numbered.

The moment I decided to get interested to Kraken, officially, was January 26th 2017, because of a class of German. It was three days before of Elkin’s passing as final result of his illness: January 29th. I still remember the shock and surprise when I did see a tweet of a journal here, as well as remembering my classes. One week later, I looked for them in Spotify, and then my life turned out a madness.

If I have to describe him from what I learned all this time, I realized this guy just caused me a major shortcut in my potato brain. Even after he left this world, his music and legacy had kept touching the hearts of people. It shocked me seriously that he was already describe as kind and humble by others even when he was alive, I remember clearly my drama when I got Filarmónico album, from 2006, and I did read the text of Mr. Jaramillo (director of the Orquesta Filarmónica de Bogotá for this album) talking about Elkin. I think it’s a major drama to me because a band like Kraken I found it when I was already dealing with major disappointment of people, and I had became a very gloomy person. I still have some of these traits, but I admit that they had subdued.

It is impressive he had this powerful stage presence, this powerful voice, and at same time being a soft-spoken guy, and very sweet from what I could analyze. I still feel sometimes very angry with myself that I took forever to find about him. But, life allowed me to meet his son and his bandmates of the actual lineup. And, this talks more of him than what I would think: Andrés Ramírez is obvious his sweetness is because he was well-raised and his job for the band had been very good. And the kindness of the actual lineup and their compromise for keep the job, is a good reason to understand why this is the most stable lineup of Kraken.

In March 2016, the guys of the actual lineup organized a pair of small lives as a in-life tribute to their boss. About this, Elkin only said that what he dreamed the most with his band was to have something like a family, and that day he realized that he had it.

With this part I finish the “Kanaru Presents” series with Kraken.

#GraciasTitán