#2023 is not my year i'm sick all the time; even my dog is sick

[imaginary-wanderer]

Reading German and Italian fics auto-translated in English with Google Translate, from two different fandoms, is interesting. I have a better level in Italian than German (should be the contrary but I learned German at school 25 years ago and Italian in 2021 so... yeah) so I can switch between the original version and the translated one when the translation is strange to check the original text and see what I understand of it (very often, the translation is way too literal or it extrapolates like mad. Very strange).

Google definitely translates German more “stiffly” than Italian. I don’t know if it’s more about the writing style in German in general, or just the writers’ styles even, but in Italian>English, things are flowing a little more. 

The common thing is how it mixes pronouns/articles. With Italian, it’s quite understandable but it also shows the limits of the AI. And they’re low in this case. In Italian, you can not use articles when you know who you’re talking about, if it makes sense in context. So in a fic full of male characters, clearly depicted as “he” or “him” and other gendered articles several times, Google still replaces the “missing” articles in English by “she” or “her” when two male characters are interacting. It never replaces both by “she”, though, it’s always one of the guys... So many mlm romantic scenes becomes het scenes and it’s a NO.

It also happens with translated German. I’ll need to check the original versions when it happens but it’s really weird when there’s no female characters at all in a short oneshot, not even mentioned once, and the male characters are written several times as “he”. Where do the female references come from in the translation? Or is Google Translate trained primarily on het content... 

[aita-polls]

Am I the asshole for not being able to vacation?

Every year since 2021, my whole family has gone on an expensive overseas vacation... except myself and my spouse.

Now, it isn't so much that I'm not welcome. My mom even offered to pay for our plane tickets and hotel. It's that we're not really able to go, even with those expenses paid, for a multitude of reasons.

1) My dog requires medical attention and I can't afford to kennel him.

2) I don't get enough time off from my workplace. They're usually gone for a whole month, but I only get 3 weeks off in a year- and that's if I have no sick days or unavoidable appointments I need that time for.

3) My spouse is cripplingly afraid of planes, and I would not feel right leaving them behind.

4) Why are we pretending covid isn't still an issue, this is still very much a concern, even vaccinated.

The first year this happened, 2021, my sister and her kids were going to go by themselves and invited mom and myself to join on our own dime. Mom was able to go and I wasn't, but that wasn't really upsetting to me, because the decision to go or not was spontaneous.

The next year, 2022, they all told me ahead of time they were going to do this and I thought, at first, I might be able to, but over the course of the year our dog got sick, my spouse divulged their fear to me, and I realized saving up the vacation time is unreasonable, if not impossible. I told them I couldn't join after all, but they still went, and I wasn't upset because I had been planning to go.

Then in 2023 they said they were going again and invited me again, and i was upset because I told them I couldn't and why the previous year, but apparently they didn't understand that these problems I have are permanent. I then made it clear that for the foreseeable future, joining them on such a vacation is impossible for me.

Now here is where I may be the asshole:

This year I found out they are going again and I freaked out. I accused them of shutting me out of the family, and told them they were all assholes for going when I can't.

Then my mom talked to me and said that my and my spouse were always invited, and it's always our decision not to go. She said that I was welcome to also make plans of my own, such as a road trip one day travel away, and we could do those as a family too.

But if I were to plan such a trip, I would be expected to plan one that I can afford my own expenses for, and money is really tight. I honestly don't know how my single-mom-on-one-income sister can afford to keep going with her kids (and yes, she's paying their own way, I asked if my mom was paying for them too and she is not).

Am I the asshole for believing that it isn't a family vacation if not all of us can go? Am I the asshole for telling them they are shutting me out of the family? Do I have any right to demand my family not go on a vacation when I can't?

[dirtbra1n]

AA4 SPOILERS/////

that quote you called krisnix is soooo fascinating to me bc, they really had dinner together most days, like that’s a level of commitment we didn’t even see from most of the ppl who phoenix considered important and that whole time on kristoph’s end it was to keep an eye on Phoenix and on phoenix’s end it curiosity bc kristoph voted against him losing his badge and also it was to find out the reason why he lost his badge and kristoph was just this name that kept popping up, and for Phoenix and kristoph it was so many red flags bc kristoph knew phoenix wasn’t the type to let something rest and Phoenix knew there was more to kristoph then at first glance but somewhere along the way it become genuine, but at the same time kristoph still kills shadi after a single convo with phoenix and phoenix still pressed record before even asking kristoph to be his lawyer, it’s Phoenix recording every single one of those convos with kristoph but still (probably) having him meet truck, but it’s kristoph keeping himself at arms length from Phoenix but Phoenix taking it bc he’s never been the type to give up on a person, whether it’s to their doom or his and for better or worse he wouldn’t want anyone else to really see him the way he currently is besides kristoph, now what the hell could that possibly mean?

(that quote I called krisnix)

anon you will never know the extent of the joy I felt seeing this initially and the extent of it I still feel now. but I’d like you to. Thank You For Biting. and for waiting a little over a month Sorry about that. I'm gonna ask you to forgive me if this doesn't make any sense or hold up to scrutiny. the demons have got hold of me and I'm making do

because I get to talk more about krisnix. Ha ha. pulled out all my silly little suppositions to review again I think I was waiting for an opportunity like this. like my hubris is getting me. I recklessly called that quote krisnix and now a little over a month later I'm completely sick about it.

I'm going to reiterate that I'm very sorry if this reads like shit, and I'll apologize just this once that this post got as long as it did. go fish

you ever think about how kristoph's a dog guy. guy who has a dog, guy who brought a photo of his dog into solitary confinement with him. also a caged blue bird which alive or not happened to contribute significantly to the krisnix breakdown of dec. 2023 There are really some very bright minds in krisnix pit. me and you included anon. that's a tangent. I'm sick. I'm drafting this in a terribly disorganized fashion. I'm reading transcripts. I'm getting dizzy.

this fucking room haunts me

vongole, though

a man's best friend, who's known to bite if handled roughly. her name means clams.

I've been doing some web surfing. I can't move in one straight line to save my life so I've been doing some web surfing. kristoph doesn't say what kind of retriever vongole is, which is fine. retrievers are dogs bred to retrieve game, tasked not to break skin, to be gentle, to keep soft mouths. vongole is a retriever who bites (literal) when bitten (metaphorical); a clam that clasps shut.

kristoph's a dog guy and sometimes he's the metaphorical dog. not One straight line to save my life. it's funny that seven years have passed without phoenix meeting vongole. held at arms length but indisputably held. a man's closest friend. besides his dog.

a lot of the time phoenix is the metaphorical dog. putting all tangents aside A lot of the time. phoenix is that metaphorical dog. what is seven years of companionship, eating dinner after dinner together, and being seen at your worst... worth? indulge me: this guy, you pieced together pretty quick, was behind the forged evidence that lost you your badge. this guy, as you saw happen in real time, was the one person on that committee to vote against that "strictest punishment".

this guy, as an indisputable fact, is a big fucking weirdo. you'll need to snare him eventually, for the forged evidence, but--you're kind of in the habit of liking weirdos. is the thing. he sunk your career, he lost you your badge. he's kind of an asshole, also.

he has bought you and trucy dinner more times than you could ever hope to count. there's a curve in your sofa from all the times he's sat in the same spot, wrinkling his nose at greasy takeout boxes and your grape juice breath. he talks to trucy in a voice slightly less haughty--warm, if a gun was held to your head about it--than the one he plays up with you, and she completely eats it up; thinks he's real fun to tease. his eyebrows wrinkle, an almost nothing frown, when she puts on a show with a trick that he can't immediately come to some conclusion about. he'll put on obnoxious rubber gloves to wash your dishes, to protect his manicured nails, as he goes down a dozen rabbit holes trying to reason out what he's missing. you've seen him doing casework. he's seen you delirious and half out of your mind. his mouth, in your experience, is soft.

you're kind of in the habit of liking assholes, too.

neither of these guys can be vulnerable for shit. over the course of seven years, they've seen each other as close to vulnerable as they can get, which isn't very, because this span of time especially--phoenix stubbornly keeping a little girl's head above the water, kristoph, for reasons we will never, ever understand, constantly looking over his shoulder--really doesn't see either of them in a place to get through any skin-flaying conversations about what they want with or from one another.

kristoph really does want control, though. he wants to be in control of things, have a handle on things. and he probably figured out something like immediately that phoenix wright really isn't the sort of guy you go to for that kind of thing. and yet! sunk cost fallacy's a bitch, kristoph! what good does a beautiful bluebird do you if you don't keep it with you on display heavy-handed. I know. don't I know it.

gonna rein myself in a little. because I'm off the deep end and you're posing really interesting ideas. kristoph couldn't rest for seven years because "shadi smith" was unaccounted for, out there somewhere. kristoph couldn't rest for seven years because he was scared for his life. "shadi smith" played a game of poker against the best and got whacked. and then murdered! tough luck!

really it's my curse. that so much of krisnix is personalized person to person, because of real aa5 shaped smoke and mirrors. because it gives me the space, the soapbox, the platform, microphone, and spotlight, to ask, In that trial, of the murder of Shadi Smith, where Kristoph Gavin was supposed to defend Phoenix Wright, what verdict was he looking to see through?

because I'm sick, you see. kristoph had just, finally, gotten rid of the man he spent so long being scared of, just clawed his way to the path out of the woods, and all he had to do was--

Have you ever stood at a crossroad. the decision laid out in front of you's not actually that tough, if you can believe it. even space for you to completely rationalize any attachments away: you get phoenix wright off (haha), you keep your reputation as the best defense in the west (opinions on the name notwithstanding), and you could, as a possibility to consider on occasion, maybe even learn how to have a slightly more-vulnerable-than-usual conversation.

or you could lose.

pretty simple choice to make, right?

and then phoenix goes and fucks it up, of course. dogs get restless with nothing to do. they want to be of use to you, kristoph, did you ever think to fucking ask phoenix for help? you come when called, you let yourself be persuaded, generously, to help keep food on the table. to keep a warm body company, one way or the other. to be some fucked up psychosexual approximation of a friend. but phoenix comes running when called, too, and you haven't once given him the chance.

big fucking stink you're in, kristoph! You didn't just brain a guy with a juice bottle for no reason. Tell me why you did it.

the big question you won't answer. five black psyche locks pulsing with a despair you don't have the tools to register. you said it already: I killed a man named "Smith" with a bottle because I am an evil human being.

what does phoenix hope to get out of this. motive for a murder, then what?

you really get me anon. phoenix never the kind of guy to give up on somebody he loves, up against someone who's finished with even arms length, stubborn as all get-out, and, even to himself, completely unsalvageable. irredeemable. an evil human being who killed a man named "smith" with a bottle.

it's not that phoenix would help kristoph hide a body. he pretty evidently did not do that. and it's not that phoenix would just forgive kristoph for trying to poison a twelve year old girl either. but there were seven full years between the disappearance of zak gramarye and the murder of "shadi smith", and vera misham hadn't been poisoned yet, and phoenix wright is an awfully loyal, terribly stubborn man himself.

I don't really know what the hell the lot of this means to tell you the truth. but I think now as much as ever that phoenix should chase kristoph's chance at life to the death, and I think that regardless of the stopping point on the line of time kristoph's last words to phoenix should be ...Later, then.

[starry-beetle]

Accidentally long post about my life ( positive, though! )

September gonna be super busy for me IRL but, at least this has made me finally sit down and fix up my daily schedules. If I manage to set aside 2 hours a day for drawing, that will really make a HUGE difference! Since we moved, I haven't had any schedule at all. Going from a workspace that was soundproof to a tiny house with no privacy ( Barry sleeps in the day and works at night, so if I'm awake I gotta sit in the living room/kitchen… ) was a huge change

THEN

Girl Dog got sick in 2023 the whole year ( dementia… she didn't remember me some days near the end. It sucked. ) and that lead to some of the most disorganized time I've had, since my teen years.

I'm getting back on track. I miss her every hour, of every day. Yet I am starting to write again! ( for myself to eat stupid shit like Urameshi Yuusuke teaching Yukina how to cook donuts and talking about PTSD without. saying it's PTSD, stuff ) I've been reading a lot of books and listening to many audiobooks while doing tasks! I've been catching up on backlogged art to the point I have 3 more old digital comms to finish and that's it!

Things have been rough but they've also been looking up. I'm even starting to feel about video games like I did, in my teen years.

[strawberryblondebutch]

Back by unpopular demand, it's my top albums of 2023! While 2022 suffered a dearth of good artists that made it impossible to cobble together a top 10, I struggled this year to whittle my 50(!!)-album shortlist down to my top.

Same rules as always: everything on this list is a full-length album (no EPs) of largely previously unreleased material (no reissues, no cover albums, no Taylor's Version) arranged in an intentional manner (no B-sides or rarities albums). Now, behold!

10. DOG PARK DISSIDENTS - THE PINK AND BLACK ALBUM

I hope I'm not the only punk frustrated with the decline of queer rage in the music scene. Everyone's sad and no one is angry. If you're sick of being well-behaved, this is the album for you. I've been a Dog Park Dissidents fan for years now, and I'm thrilled to see them put out an LP, especially one as great as this one.

9. SINCERE ENGINEER - CHEAP GRILLS

Something everyone needs to know about me: I love a girlflop. There is nothing more endearing than an absolute disaster of a woman, and no one is flopping through life quite like Deanna Belos. Her third album brings her scratchy-voiced brashness into her early 30s, and as much as I hope for an end to her crisis, at least she has a good soundtrack going.

8. ALL GET OUT - ALL GET OUT

Wouldn't it be easy if I didn't listen to any albums? If I just put my favorite bands in the top ten and said "that's enough hard work, I think"? Well, I don't, because sometimes there's a surprise. All Get Out has frustrated me for a while, as their Southern-fried brand of rock and roll is something I should like, but they never seemed to put it all together... until now.

7. BLONDSHELL - BLONDSHELL

Sabrina Mae Teitelbaum showed up at the eleventh hour to wreck my rankings. I was unaware of Blondshell until they opened for Liz Phair a month ago, and I was intrigued enough to follow up and listen to her debut. Her stage presence needs some work -- unlike, say, Foxing's latest album, which I learned to love once I heard it live, I think Blondshell is better recorded -- but if this is her first effort, I can't wait to see what she does next.

6. ZZ WARD - DIRTY SHINE

2023 was the year of blues rock artists going independent, and their music was all the better for it. The Record Company was a late cut for my honorable mentions, but ZZ takes the sixth spot here. There was a lot riding on Dirty Shine: she was independent and had been mostly silent since the pandemic. With some of the tightest production I've seen this year, she hasn't missed a step.

5. QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE - IN TIMES NEW ROMAN...

Talk about someone who's been through the wringer since their last album. Josh Homme battled cancer, alcoholism, and a bitter divorce, and his band's latest release is one of pent-up rage. It bears strong shades of 2007's Era Vulgaris, which was divisive in its own time, and as a result, some might hate In Times New Roman... for its looser, crunchier sound. For me? It's exactly what I like to hear.

4. SPANISH LOVE SONGS - NO JOY

I have a confession: I'm a terrible album reviewer. It takes me weeks or months to listen to something new, even for my favorite artists, like Spanish Love Songs. I didn't get around to No Joy until just before I went to see SPL open for Hot Mulligan, at which point I felt like the time had come. This album was an acquired taste, smoother and more polished than 2020's Brave Faces, Everyone, but like Frightened Rabbit's 2016 Painting of a Panic Attack, the sparser sound lets you focus on what Dylan et al. are trying to say, and you can soon tell No Joy is an album that needed to come out for his own sake.

3. HEART ATTACK MAN - FREAK OF NATURE

Speaking of "late on the draw," behold Heart Attack Man, a band I should have loved... if I ever got around to listening to them. They hang around all the same scenes my other favorite bands do (in fact, Hot Mulligan also brought them along on their most recent tour), and yet I never got around to exploring them until this June, when they played in Philly for $20 tickets. Good thing my impulses won out, because this album is what punk should be (and something it's been sorely missing).

2. HOT MULLIGAN - WHY WOULD I WATCH?

After shouting them out in the last two entries, I have to give Hot Mulligan their flowers. They're a strange band, having more in common with Dance Gavin Dance than, say, The Wonder Years. It's progressive post-hardcore for Midwest emos, and although the individual songs on Why Would I Watch? are on par with any individual song from a previous release, they do something here that elevates them above their other work: put out an album, rather than a collection of songs.

1. FIREWORKS - HIGHER LONELY POWER

It was always going to be Fireworks. They released this album on January 1 after a long hiatus, giving me an entire year to have this LP rattle in my brain and linger in my bones. Higher Lonely Power combines several trends found on the rest of this list -- a new sound that needed to grow on me, a need to shake off the rust of a hiatus, a band I took far too long to get to know. They're my favorite band's favorite band for a reason, and Higher Lonely Power is a gorgeous mediation on love, death, and aging. A worthy album of the year if ever there were one.

[zooophagous]

Today's entry of Wayward Souls deals with the aftermath of Mr. Strauss' big night on the town and is an aside exploring the point of view of a side character.

I went back and forth over when the best time was to share this. It's sort of been bothering me ever since it happened, and my therapist told me it's healthy to share and write it down. For a couple of reasons, I hesitated. First, because it sounds stupid. At best, people would think I was exaggerating for attention. Second, because some really sketchy people really, really didn't want me to say anything.

Well, sue me.

For the purposes of our story, you can call me "Tina."  Fake name, just in case someone figures out I blabbed, but it's not like they'll have a hard time figuring it out from the details anyway.

I used to work at a pet store as a sales associate. I say 'used to' because after what  I saw, I'm not going back in there. I didn't even go back to get my last check. I made them mail it. This wasn't a nice pet store, it was a chain store. A Pets-R-Inn in a shitty strip mall. The sort of pet store that sells puppies and always sort of smells like shit.

You know the type. Yeah, I know it's bad. I knew it was bad while I worked there. I figured maybe I could work part time with animals and elevate the care a little bit, you know? I can't make a store stop selling puppies but I can make sure the puppies are clean. I can scoop a dead fish out of a tank. I can quarantine a sick rat before it infects the others. Maybe trying to make a difference in a place like that was my first mistake.

I've seen so much shit and vomit and pee and parasites it would make your head spin. I'm not saying this to bring down the 'good name' of the chain pet store that sells sickly puppy mill dogs for three grand a piece and pays just above the federal minimum wage in the year of our Lord 2023 however. No, that's a rant for another time.

 I'm telling you this so you understand that I have a strong stomach. You HAVE to have a strong stomach when you work with animals. Any time you work with living things, inevitably you're going to work with dying things. Especially when most of the animals you work with are rodents with a natural lifespan not even a tenth of your own, who all live in close quarters and share their food and water and diseases alike.

I'm not being dramatic. I'm not getting worked up over nothing and I am NOT making this up. I was a good worker and I was good at my job. I didn't let one weird guy ruin it for me. It was ruined for me by a monster. And now I'm terrified I'm being followed by the FBI or the CIA or some government something. I don't know who they are. I don't care anymore. If I go missing maybe whoever reading this can figure out who to blame.

I'm getting off track here. So, this one day, I'm working the shop by myself. It was sort of a cold rainy day, real grey and dark. My stupid shit head manager Derek takes off for a "meeting" that was a 2 hour lunch he didn't clock out for, and left me to run the shop alone.

Not a huge deal, when I'm alone I can slack off and do whatever, and the major chores for the day were done because it was dead slow so I was just at the counter on my phone. As I'm standing there the door jingles open and this guy walks in.

I look up a little and say hi. I'm not really paying as much attention to him as I should, because he sort of looks like he knows what he wants already and heads right in. He looked sort of  bedraggled, scruffy, but a lot of our customers are "animal people" who have dirty stuff to do so I don't think much of it. It was half storming outside anyway.

He goes back to where we keep the feeder mice. Now, I'm sure you're probably aware that snakes eat whole prey. Well, we try really hard to get our customers to switch to frozen whole prey instead of live because live isn't as humane, and being the kindly little Snow White I am, I start preparing my spiel.

I see he's already trying to open the cages. That's no good. Liability. God forbid someone get bit by a rat or drop the whole fucking fish tank full of them and sue us. Or worse, some bleeding heart trying to "save" them again by stealing them or turning them loose.

So I'm helpful and I go back with my keys and I say to him "Hey, I need to be the one to open that for you." Now I actually do get a look at the guy. He's muddy. Like covered in mud. Soaked. He looks homeless and he might be having an episode of some sort and Derek is still gone. Great.

By this time he's got the cage open. Which, by the way, is locked. He broke the lock. The padlock. With his hands. His hands that are now rooting around in a tank full of white mice. I don't really want to stop him. I don't think I CAN stop him. He turns around and he looks at me.

He's got a little pink tail coming out of his mouth. He has a mouse in his fucking mouth. He ate a fucking mouse.

My chest gets tight and I don't really know if I should scream or if that will make it worse but I'm screaming anyway and he spits the mouse out and shoves another one into his mouth and I hear it CRUNCH and he stares me dead in the eyes while he does it.

Speaking of eyes, his were glowing. The way a cats eyes sort of shine in different colors. He's taking a step towards me and I see he's got more mice in his hand and he has claws on his hand instead of nails.

This is when I started yelling. Not screaming, really, more of a holler. An angry yell. A garbled sort of half terror and half "what the fuck do you think you're doing" that came out in a single loud note that cut my throat raw as I let it out.

I hear the door jingle again. I'm hoping it's Derek. No, just more customers, or so I thought. They're yelling at him. He backs off, he's like... hiding from them? I think for a moment I'm saved, that maybe this is just some sort of patient that wandered away from his handlers or something. But then more people pile in.

And now one of them has a gun.

Somehow or other it has now managed to ESCALATE. This guy fucking panics, throws down a whole shelf of cages and they all shatter. There are mice EVERYWHERE. They don't just scatter though, they're running together in a swarm towards the lady with a gun. Did I mention it was a lady? I thought it was weird it was a lady. Usually ladies don't shoot up stores.

But anyway these mice are running to her and running up her legs and she's screaming and while she's freaking out the guy rushes them and knocks everyone over and he's just out of there like a bat out of Hell. The crowd runs off with him, and suddenly I'm alone again.

Just surrounded by broken glass, loose mice, and no explanation at all of what the fuck just happened. It was about this time Derek FINALLY decided to grace me with his presence and yell at me for all the shit that went wrong. As if I could have stopped it.

And of course he didn't believe me until AFTER he saw the security footage. I mean granted I sounded like a mess but what the Hell kind of lie would it be that a crazy person came in and started eating mice?

The aftermath was Hell. I had to stay late that night catching mice and cleaning up broken glass and spilled bedding. He broke the door too on his way out, which Derek had to leave yet again to go get a chain and padlock to keep it shut while I stayed behind and had another panic attack.

While I was cleaning up I found a couple of dead ones. Mice, I mean. They're not built to be thrown around like that. One I found though was very interesting. It was dead, yes, but it looked like it had been dead a while.

It was hard to the touch, and brittle. Mummified like a cat in the wall of an old building. I thought maybe it had escaped a long time ago and the activity only just now knocked the carcass loose from wherever it was stuck. But its fur was damp, and it had a large, suspiciously tooth shaped gash in its abdomen.

It was the mouse that guy ate. Except he didn't eat it. He just... sucked every drop of fluid out of it and spit it back out. Then he went back for more. He wasn't eating them, just... juicing them.

After finding that I finally gave up and called it quits. I didn't have it in me to keep cleaning and I wasn't sure I could come back to the store either, so despite Derek's vociferous petulant protests I went home.

Aside from suddenly being jobless, life was quiet and normal after that. I avoided the store but I'm told the creepy guy never came back. I thought maybe that lady actually shot him, not sure if it would really make me feel bad or not.

But the story doesn't just end there. Oh no! I should be so lucky! No, seeing someone having an episode or a meth bender or what have you is definitely distressing, but it doesn't really typically tip the scales from a moment of terror and confusion to a chronic anxiety that you're being followed and watched.

A few days after that little incident, I get a knock at my door. I open it, and I find an official looking little envelope. Maybe it's a subpoena to be a witness to the crime or whatever. I open it up.

No, it's a letter. Addressed to me, personally. "Dear Redacted, my name is Ursula Harker, I am writing on behalf of the Van Helsing Institute relating to a recent incident at 'Pets R Inn' retail store, in which you were the victim of an assault and may be entitled to financial compensation. Please contact me at your earliest convenience. This is an attempt to settle the matter out of court without the input of the police. By accepting our cash offer you are relinquishing your right to file civilly against the Institute, and agreeing to a non-disclosure cause. The Institute can be reached at..."

You get the idea. So I call this woman, Miss Ursula Harker. Even her name sounds creepy. She picks up, I tell her who I am.  She immediately starts apologizing to me, promising to pay for any store damages or medical bills and then some. Asking to buy my silence. So I tell her I've only got one question for her.

She says go ahead.

I ask her "What was that guy?"

She starts telling me that his name is Luther and he's a patient at such and such and I cut her off and I say again No.

What was that guy?

She's quiet for a bit and she asks what I mean. Now, I'm not a doctor. But I know a decent amount about animals. And I know this. People don't have eyes that glow in the dark. People also can't desiccate a mouse by sucking it dry in five seconds flat. She hesitates but then starts making excuses about HIPAA laws and how she can't discuss their patients and she asks me how much it would take for me to stay quiet.

I hang up on her.

Maybe that was really stupid. Could have got some cash out of the deal. The store got a new door and a nice fat payday they spent on a facelift for the place, and it only cost them their security footage.

More than that, it was really stupid because they kept calling me. She left me at least three messages before giving up. I was afraid to leave my apartment. They already knew my name and obviously knew where I lived. And they were protecting that guy... that THING somehow. Maybe they were the ones who made him? Like he was an experiment that got out and they were doing damage control?

I did a little asking around about "The Van Helsing Institute" and all I could find was that it's a private Catholic hospital. A "research hospital," whatever the fuck research that entails, I don't want to know about it.

The craziest shit though, is that this has apparently happened before. While I was digging around I found the contact info for a guy called "John." He's apparently an ex employee and now very outspoken critic of that hospital, trying to gather as much dirt on them as he can. I gave him my story, and all the descriptions I could. Basically if I see anything even remotely weird I report to him now.

It feels good, I guess, not being alone. I don't know that he could actually protect me if they got mad and came after me but I like that someone is watching them. Someone is keeping score. Mostly it feels good to know that I actually saw what I saw. It was a monster, I'm not crazy, and I think I did the right thing not selling my silence even though the lack of a paycheck hurts.

I keep getting more and more paranoid though. I've been seeing this weird woman follow me around town. Not the gun one- a different one this time. She's got sort of a medium tan skin tone, she's very petit, and she has this incredibly long dark hair and dark eyes. It makes her stand out in a crowd. I see her more and more whenever I'm out and I don't know if she's with John or with... the other guys.

I don't go out much after dark any more. I don't know how much this involves me now but I'm trying to move back in with my mom in Wisconsin. If I make it, you won't hear from me again. If I don't, just keep an eye on the obituaries. If I die, let it be known I don't want any part of my body used for research. It should be burned.

[seansilv25]

So season 10 of Death Battle was bonkers...

so bonkers that I want to share my opinions on each and every episode (In one or a few sentences each)

16: Killua vs Misaka [This was probably the middest episode to ever mid. So mid that my best buddy TJ has forgotten that it even exists on more than one occasion. 5/10

15: Darth Vader vs Obito Uchiha [neat choreography and somber ending, but the analysis and result just feel... "iffy" in a a way I can't describe. 6/10

14: Martian Manhunter vs Silver Surfer [While the Surfer's ending monologue was chillingly thought-provoking, this episode doesn't have much else going for it. 6.5/10

13: Dark Souls vs Skyrim [Neat and all, but I'd probably like it more if the animation was a tad less jank and all Fromsoft games didn't look the flippin' same. 7/10

12: Gojo vs Makima [This episode was pretty alright, at least if you're not a salty simp (Thankfully, I'm not) 7/10

11: Frieza vs Megatron [The fight was cool and all, but it is kind of ruined by the flonkered pacing. 7/10

10: Ant-Man vs Atom [It was neat seeing the combatants take the fight in a more "scientific" way with all their planning. 7.5/10

9: Cole McGrath vs Alex Mercer [One of the "Never gonna happen" princes finally becomes reality, and it was good. 7.5/10

8: Phoenix vs Raven [Cool and all, but can we pour one out for Jean? Not for her death to Raven, but her 16th death in the comics? 7.5/10

7: Galactus vs Unicron [The king of "Never gonna happen" and it was pretty grand and, dare I say, huge... );) 8/10

6: Guts vs Dimitri [Pretty sick and raw fight that made me respect Dimitri and the Blue Lions more, despite preffering the Black Eagles (Don't look at me, I just go with them because they have best girl) 8.5/10

5: Stitch vs Rocket Raccoon [The song lyrics were accurate, because I certainly had a blast watching this. As well as Rocket having a literal one (RIP Ice Cream Guy) 9/10

4: Rick Sanchez vs The Doctor [A-aw geez, guys! This episode was fantastic! WUBBA-LUBBA-DUB-DUB!! 9.5/10

3: Goku vs Superman (2023) [I guess it's true what they say; Third time IS the charm, because that was fucking INSANE! 10/10

2: Scooby-Doo vs Courage the Cowardly Dog [Zoinks! the peak levels are through the roof! 11/10

1: Bill Cipher vs Discord [Just as peak as Scooby vs Courage, but I love Gravity Falls more than I do Scooby-Doo, so I feel like I have to go with this. 11/10

And that's all of them! Will I be making one of these for season 11? I dunno. But I'm not sure if that season can top the peakness of this one. But until next year, we shall see...

XKA OBJBJYBO; OBXIFQV FP XK FIIRPFLK, QEB RKFSBOPB FP X ELILDOXJ, YRV DLIA! YVVVBBBBB!!!

-VLRO CXSLOFQB QOFMIB-BADBA ABJLK LC AOBXJP

As much as I love a good, rousing puzzle, I prefer to at least let people have something to go off of to begin with. Also, I want to stick it to that melodramatic isosceles who thought he could mess with my dear friend and her friends. So the key is to not get stabbed in the back. Or crushed by a falling cieling. So probably just to not be from Italy or Rome.

You're welcome!

-Who Q wishes he was

[letters-from-alex]

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Dear V,

I had to bury my dog this morning.

My dad barged into my room, "Bobby."

"Hmm. Wh-what's up, Dad?" I responded, disoriented and confused as to why he would wake me up so abruptly. The sun wasn't even out yet.

"Zoey's dead."

I let out a deep sigh. "Shit" was all that came out. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting this, but she was twelve years old and very sick. She couldn't jump anymore because of her obesity. She couldn't go outside on her own through the doggy door. She'd wheeze and cough every half-hour and constantly have accidents inside the house. Last Friday, her wheezing and coughing got noticeably worse. "I'll call the vet today," my dad said. Later that afternoon he said, "Her appointment is on Wednesday." I couldn't help the immediate thought that washed through my brain: she's not going to make it by then.

I looked at the clock-- 6:31 AM. "Can you come and help me pick her up? I don't want your mom to see anything."

"Yeah. I'll be right there." He closed the door behind him as I sat up to find my shoes. I put them on and stepped out into the hallway that led into the dining room area. I turned to my right, straight ahead, in the living room, I could see my black dachshund laying lifeless just three feet from the backyard door. A memory of when I picked her up just when she was exactly six weeks old flashed before my eyes. I remember going to this woman's house. She would only breed dachshunds. My dad let me choose which of the three that were left that I wanted. I chose Zoey because she was the smallest of the three, but she still liked to put up a fight. And how when my dad was driving all of us back home and how she was so small that she fit in the palm of my hand. And how on that first night together, she insisted on sleeping with me instead of her own bed. She was so tiny that I thought I would turn over on top of her and suffocate her, but she found a sweet spot when she laid her entire body across my neck. I was surprisingly comfortable and slept soundly with her. My subconscious must have known she was there because I did not move once throughout the night.

"She didn't even make it to the door," my dad said with a low monotonous voice. I stayed silent. I didn't know what to say. She was laying in a pool of her own urine, mouth open, purple tongue glued to the ground, and a pile of stool at the end of her anus which was all I could smell.

My dad and I went into the kitchen to grab a trash bag and slip on some nitrile gloves. As we walked back to the living room, my dad noticed the bedroom light was on in his room. "Hold on to this," he said as he handed me the trash bag. "I'm going to tell your mother not to come out and leave the dogs in there." I nodded.

As he got my mom up to speed with what was going on, I took the time to be by Zoey's side. I caressed her body from head to abdomen and told her that I wished I could've been there for her while she took her last breath. It kills me a little inside that we were all asleep while she was dying. "You're not in pain anymore," I said, still petting her. "You're going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. And I already miss you, but I hope I see you again someday in my dreams." I choked up a little and held back my tears. "I love you, Zoey."

My dad walked up to us and put on his gloves. I mimicked his action. He took the bag from me and opened it up and laid it across the ground next to her. "Can you pick her up? I can't with my bad back." I cleared my throat. "Yeah."

I've had my fair share of dogs dying in my life, but this was the first one that I witnessed that wasn't laid to rest by the hands of a veterinarian and stuffed in a box so I wouldn't see the bodies. No, this one hit different. Picking her up, something so lifeless and such dead weight, made my heart clench. I had to support her neck as I lifted her, urine dripping off her body as I placed her on top of the bag. My dad closed it up, sighed, and asked me to open the back door as he carried her outside.

Walking up to the burial site was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like we both knew where we were going without telling each other because it went without saying that she would be buried next to her siblings. And that's when all my bottled up emotions hit me like a tidal wave. Not only was I living in this moment, but I was living in two different exact moments from my past: March 26, 2011 and December 10, 2016. It's hard to explain the exact feeling. It was like living through déjà vu, but only it wasn't. It's like I could see myself from outside my body. I watched myself dig a hole for the third time.

My eyes got watery, but I didn't want to cry in front of my dad. And it wasn't because I was ashamed to cry or anything, but I thought if I did, then he would and I guess I was just trying to be strong for him. He was closer to her in the end than I was and even in this moment as I write this to you, I have no idea exactly how he's feeling. As much as I wish that we were closer than what we are, we're not. We don't ever ask each other how we're doing, but that's something I'm still trying to find the courage to do...

We stopped and laid Zoey down by her soon-to-be gravesite as my dad went into the shed nearby and grabbed a shovel. "I've got this. You go inside and clean up." I nodded in acknowledgment. I had a feeling he just needed his alone time to mourn.

I followed his direction, walked inside my house, and stepped toward the kitchen to grab the cleaning supplies and a fresh pair of gloves. As I walked closer, I could hear my mom going through the cupboards. She turned to me, her face droopier than usual, her eyes puffier than normal. "Pobrecita," she said.

"Yeah. I know." I sighed.

I opened the cupboard underneath the sink to find the bleach, but as soon as I opened it, for a moment, I forgot what I was looking for. I ransacked the cupboard and couldn't find anything worth using.

"Are you looking for the bleach?" My mom asked.

"Yeah."

"It's right there, honey," as she pointed to a bottle right in front of me.

"Oh. Thanks."

I grabbed the bleach and turned around to grab a roll of paper towels and walked hastily back to the scene of the crime before my mom could try to console me which I knew would result in tears.

Once back, I stood there where she once laid, on this pool of urine and stool. I froze and thought to myself, this is the last time I'm ever going to have to pick up one of her accidents.

---

I don't mean to burden you with my day, V. You see, when tragedy strikes, I push people away. I keep to myself and I pretend like everything is okay even when I'm burning with sorrow on the inside because the last thing I want on a day like today is somebody feeling sorry for me-- to pity me and only make me feel better because "Oh. Poor Bobby lost his dog today. What should I do to make him feel better?" I can't handle that thought. And although I push friends away and I avoid phone calls and text messages, when tragedy strikes, I can't help but only want to talk to you, to be serenaded by your voice. I can't help but only want to be with you, to be blessed by your presence. I just can't help it and I fucking hate it.

I miss you so much V and someday one of us is going to be buried before the other. And if I die before you, I'll die wondering if you'll even care if I'm dead, much less go to my funeral. And if you die before me, you'll die never knowing how much I truly loved you even after everything you put me through. You won't know what it meant to me that I got to be with you for a short time of my life and yes I was upset for almost five years that you left without saying goodbye, but I don't hate you for it. I could never hate you. You left the way you did because you thought it was the best for the both of us. And maybe it was, but here I am, six years later still waiting for you, hoping we could go back to being friends instead of the strangers we are now.

It doesn't get easier... losing a loved one. No matter how many people or animals or things you've lost in your life... it just doesn't ever get easier. And I hate to admit, even after today, you're still the hardest thing I've lost in my entire life and I'm living in a constant battle of letting you go or waiting for you to come back. I never know what to do. Not when it comes to you.

I'm really sorry for all this. I haven't written to you in a very long time because I am trying my best to get over you, but you still cross my mind every fucking day no matter how much mental effort I use to push you to the back of my brain. If only it were that easy, right? Then I wouldn't be writing this letter to you and wasting my time on someone who doesn't even care to read this, much less check up on me to see how I'm doing.

still holding my breath, bobby

[itsnotyouitslyme]

The Diagnosis

On December 20, 2023 I had finally been seen by a POTS specialist and got the answers I was looking for but it was not the answers that I wanted.

On December 17, 2023 I went to a Bill vs Dolphins game and had the time of my life. The problem was that I also was forced to come face to face with how sick I truly am and have been for well over 2 years.

The walk to the stadium left me in tears due to the pain in my shins and calves feeling as though my muscles were being shredded, my feet burning from the pressure of standing, my lungs bursting because I just couldn't get the oxygen I needed. Then my right foot lost movement, I experience my first drop foot.

We eventually found a wheel chair and my friend insisted I sit, I opened my mouth to argue that "no, I have this" but nothing came out. I knew I did not, in fact, have this anymore.

I'm 33 and I had to use a wheel chair. That was a definitive turning point.

I messaged the POTS specialist in Rochester, stating that my quality of life was degrading fast and that I experience drop foot for the first time. The doctor fit me in the next day, which tells me that the doctor who referred me to him did not note the urgency or read my cardiac test results correctly.

The POTS specialist told me that based on my test result my age is 65-70 years old and that I not only had POTS but I had another autonomic disorder that was causing my resting heart rate to be high. This hit me hard. I know I FELT that old but to hear that my body was showing that age in tests...brought a whole new validity to how I was feeling. And what's worse...truth. For the past two years I've been living in varying states of denial that had me not advocating as hard as I should have been with my doctors and even had me questioning if I was just lazy.

Do. Not. Gaslight. Yourself. Your doctors and people around you will do that enough, you don't need to do that to yourself as well.

Don't get me wrong, I have great friends but I've been chronically ill since I was 17...I keep them all at a distance. I don't want people to see me in these vulnerable and weak moments. That's when people take advantage of you or say you are doing something for attention or even worse "that's just how they are (dramatic)."

16 years of illness related trauma has led me to this point. I need to get these thoughts out or I might explode. But also, I CANNOT be the only one feeling isolated, gas lit, and cast aside because of chronic illness. I cannot be the only one who wants to fight back but doubts their ability to do so.

So far, my game plan is to drink 100-112oz of water a day, up to 96oz today. I am researching compression LEGGINGs because the socks caused a muffin top situation on my calves that we will never repeat. Plus I hate socks. I've bought the book POTS: Together we stand. I will be buying a recumbent exercise bike. I am researching VERY easy restorative yoga routines that are around 10 minutes. Researching how to elevate the head of my bed. I also need to start slightly upping my salt intake.

The doctor told me that progress will be measured in months to years and to not to expect to feel better by the next time I see him in 6-8 weeks. I will be tracking my progress with my Fitbit Versa to see if my heart health trends at all in the right direction. It's going to be a slow and steady race and I need to find rewards for myself for completing a week.

GOAL: Complete Restorative yoga 3x a week until exercise bike comes. Then pivot to exercise bike every day and yoga 1x a week.

Will I be able to complete this goal this week? Probably not. Will I be mad at myself? Sure. Do I also know that I need to be kind to myself? Also yes.

I cannot be alone in this self deprecating cycle of hell.

Things I miss: My work out high, being able to travel, doing regular yoga routinely, walking my dog, and being able to clean my home in one swoop.

I am hoping I can get parts of my life back but until then I allow the space to process how much this sucks and how it's not fair that for the second time in my life I am climbing out of Lyme Disease abyss that has ripped pieces of myself away. Pieces I may never get back.

[vegtable-bucket]

This is a very long and self indulgent vent post. Feel free to disregard and tw for sucidial ideation. I am currently seeking help but I needed to vent.

So 2023 I think is the official worst year of my life. I thought as the years went on life would like.... get easier??? But no lmao it somehow gets progressively harder and I feel like I am completely drowning and suffering at every turn. I will essentially plan a little treat for myself and that treat will then turn into like a comical death trap of some sort. I feel like whoever is controlling my sim is trying to torture me.

I'm just going to list the terrible things that I've had to deal with since I have what 5 months left of this year to claw my way through?

My cat was diagnosed with cancer. That cancer spread so rapidly in the span of one week, I got her diagnosis on her last day on earth.

Prior to this, she was puking 3 times a day and so I was cleaning up puke and sobbing over her for a month striaght

Vet bills

The doctor who did the biopsy of my cats cancer didn't relay how severe her cancer was causing me to have to spend 5 hours in the the ER. I was separated from my cat during those 5 hours. My phone was on 1%. Ready player one was my only entertainment. Many dogs got checked before my blood puking cancer ridden cat. The person at the front desk said "we only treat several emergencies first." Meaning vomiting blood isn't urget............. wild.

Obviously I had to put my cat down. She was 7 years old. I miss Pirate everyday. I used to call her an angel from outerspace, now she's really sailing around up there.

I had to do this without my husband present because he was at.... his grandma's funeral in England. I couldn't go because I was taking care of our dying cat. I find this to be an especially twisted fate since he left right before I had a psychotic break due to all the stress

I got covid. And I got it like a month ago in the middle of the summer. This ate away at my travel time making it so I couldn't see one of my friends in portland.

I got exposed to covid over the weekend and if I get sick again my job will take my remaining 3 days off. This is my last year in America and if those days are taken from me I won't be able to see my family for the holidays

I dont get to leave this hell country this year after excitedly telling everyone I was out of here. Embaressing.

Every single trip I have planned this year has been a complete disaster

I either didn't get to see the friend I planned to see, or my time with that friend was limited to reasons outside of either of our control leaving me to feel completely isolated, lonely and like nobody's priority or important friend (even though that's irrational)

I've had an issue with almost every single flight I've taken this year. Will it be delayed or canceled making me have to take the flight that makes it so arrive home at 4am? The answer is always yes!

My job had revealed itself to be a toxic work enviornement before but it continues to worsen.

My job makes me want to kill myself, like actively. I've had the worst suicidal ideation of life since I was 13 and having to visit my abusive and neglectful father

Somehow, at 27, all of my trauma seems to be bubbling up in the worst possible way and nobody in my support system is close to me right now/alive.

Guess what? In an ironic twist of fate applying to jobs also makes me want to kill myself and I find to be a dramatic waste of time.

My husband and I set up trips around this time of year which made it so when his grandmother died, he will have seen me once in the span of 4 weeks. Meaning the only person who I can mourn the loss of my cat with is gone. I will be coming home to an empty house when I return tomorrow and my depression is not making it easy to take care of myself

Living in America has never seemed more dystopian. My rights are simply withering away while inflation stacks up. It's been an expensive year by itself but the recession isn't helping

I feel completely lost on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be financially stable (as I am lucky enough to be now) but I'm unsure of my future in england. I don't know if I really should pursue my masters because I feel my entire body aching to do something I enjoy and I have no idea if I'll ever be able to work in a field that improves people's lives and doesn't make me want to kill myself

I will never be mentally emotionally or financially stable enough to have kids. Having them seems terrifying to me. I cry for my younger self imagining her life and how unfair the world was to her, and wondering why I was born if not to suffer

I can barely focus on anything in my life anymore. I feel like my attention span has stopped working and I can only do a task for 15 minutes before feeling exhausted

Crippling weed dependency

I can't remember the last time I felt geniunely happy. If I spend anytime not listening to something or distracting myself my brain is essentially torturing and harassing me and telling me the many ways in which I should kill myself

I cannot afford a grippy sock vacation to make me not kill myself. I feel like I'd want to be there for a whole month and that's probably like 800k and would mean losong my job lmao

Having to wait for life to improve slowly on its own is agonizing to me as I really just want to leave America as quickly as I can to get away from it all. And then I remember all the things and people and places I will miss and I get this unearthly ache of sadness.

I'm also not blind and know terf island (england) is also doing remarkably terrible and I will be moving to a very xenophobic country far away from the familiar.

Everything that happens on the news now makes me fully believe I'm living in a dark comedy about a species that is run by a group of people so greedy that they are racing to extinction

*gestures widely at the state of everything*

I visited my dad's side of the family without nick (husband) present and not only did they bully and antagonize me the entire time, but they also said the most off the wall insanely racist shit I've ever heard in my life. So vile i was physcially ill after interacting with them. But I have to keep up appearances for my future wedding.

I want to cut them out of my life so fucking bad it's unreal. My mom is begging and pleading with me to not do it but being around such vile people makes me physically ill.

This things I used to love now feel distant and boring to me now. I feel like it's so hard to laugh at anything anymore

The real kicker for this is I always pack period items just in case, and I didn't for once and now I am dealing with painful cramps at 3am away from ibprofin and like all of civilization

Okay that's it. I hope none of you read this it's incredibly self indulgent and pitying. I feel as though I've never been allowed to be sad and it's all bubbling up this year and suffocating me. And then people keep telling me to not kill myself which makes me feel guilty for wanting to end it all in the first place. I've always hated asking for help, I hate people feeling sorry for me, I hate struggling. I've never even attempted because im too chickenshit.

Can't wait to share this post in therapy. Which I won't be able to afford for awhile.

I miss feeling joy.

[trawpius]

2023 Back On The Wagon

I fumbled 2022 bigtime. Became artistically stagnant. Was more reclusive, experiencing a general malaise. So this year, I'm going to frame this resolution list in terms of the Biggest Swings and Worst Misses of 2022.

Biggest Swings

Resippies. I definitely added more dishes to my repertoire. Always a plus!

Workout plan. While I need to power through on rough days, I definitely upped the ante compared to 2021.

Stretch before workout: no prablam!

Really developed a strong housecleaning schedule. Tough to commit to the nastier items, like cleaning windows or bleaching toilers. But it's better than the past.

Duolingo 290+ day streak!

Slowly pecking away at intellectual pursuits. Learning software architecture concepts, refreshing myself on calculus and trigonometry.

Volunteering at animal shelter. A late entry this year, but I've been going every month.

Biggest Misses

Using my freezer space. Only meal prepping a single week

Better health habits. Still getting a lot of takeout, eating a lot of chips. Could do better vis-a-vis fruits and veg.

Hikes with Jolyne. It's a good idea! Any every time I think to do it, I come up with an excuse.

Creativity in general took a nosedive. 2 pieces of art per month? I don't think I drew more than 2 pieces for the whole year! Never mind writing, or using Blender, or even looking at my keyboard.

While Duolingo was strong, I didn't work on more formal language learning through textbooks or Wanikani.

Responding to people! Christ, two of my closest childhood friends reached out to me this year. And I can't get myself to respond in under 24-hrs? This is unacceptable.

Recontextualization

So where do I go from here. I had some wins, some losses, some mixed nuts. Is there a way to reframe things to improve in 2023?

Multi-week meal prepping. This isn't just a matter of using freezer space, but also a gift to myself in the future. It's the promise of a totally free weekend, devoid of food concerns. It's also the promise of variety. If I can flip-flop between chili and a stir-fry, I won't get sick of either.

Healthy Habits. It's not about complete removal, but about moderation and replacement. It's also about impulse control. I can get takeout, but I should reduce the frequency. Don't buy on impulse, when I have meals at home. Spread the portions over 3 days rather than 2 days. I can have snacks, but don't go back for a second serving.

Hiking. There's no recontextualization. It's a good idea, period. The problem is, I'm worried about Jolyne reacting to other dogs while hiking. So invest in a trainer! A well-trained dog feels more confident, and reacts better to other dogs while on leash.

Creativity. Part of my issue is lack of skill vs perfectionism. Although, perfectionism isn't quite the word. I'll redo line-art or repaint the same object, with diminishing improvement to the overall piece. I'm better off trying a dozen things, rather than redoing the same thing a dozen times. All of which is to saw: you're a baby beginner! Don't be ashamed to let people see your progress! In fact, use the visual indication of improvement over time to motivate yourself later!

Language Learning. Duolingo is good at incentivizing me to use it everyday. And it has the negative effect of making me feel like I've "put in the work" for the day. It is just idle practice, it is not active learning. Wanikani is actively learning Kanji and vocabulary. Textbooks are actively learning grammar. Conversation exchange apps actively teach, well, conversation!

Responding to People. Which wraps into my general sense of reclusiveness this year. But I can't just swat my own wrist, and say "buck up!" Why am I reclusive? Is it time-crunch, afraid of wasting my hours of solitude before work? Is it insecurity, fear that I cannot keep the conversation going, fear that I'm disliked? Perhaps part of this resolution involves interrogating myself deeply, as a person.

Resolutions

This has all been uniquely naval-gaze-y. Such is the way of New Years. Isn't that part of the tradition? So let's round this out with some regular-degular bullet point resolutions.

Try out 2-5 fasting. Articles claim it's good for reducing insulin resistance. Who's to say?

Continue workout plan. Try for more consistency. Also, maybe take up swimming. It's better for my ankle. Switch from Planet Fitness to The Y. (Also try roller-skating, which will undo any positives swimming has for my ankle)

Ask doctor about physical therapist for my ankle.

Ask doctor about psychological therapist for my brain.

Continue with the fruit and veg variety. More smoothies with protein powder. Try kimchi, try sauerkraut, try natto. Continue your foray into fish. Try some egg-based meals. Get more fiber in my diet, embarrassed blushing emoji.

Meditation, 20 minutes per day.

Sleep by 10:30pm, awake by 7am. Don't sleep in on weekends. Naps are okay. Reduce screen time and caffeine around bed. Make the bed a night-only place. Relax in the den, or on the couch.

Apparently sun lamps are useful.

Bitter topicals are the only way I actually stop biting my cuticles.

No hard commitments. Just do something creative, every day. Writing, painting, playing piano. And don't be afraid if it's ugly or amateurish.

Don't learn for learning's sake. Apply knowledge to personal programming projects or electronics projects.

Volunteer for Food Not Bombs or for work's Wheels on Meals program.

Go to the movies for fun. Every year is the Year of the Movie, babey!

Apparently people go to bars alone, and that's how they meet people? Is it insane to hang out and read a book at a gay bar?

There is a fine line between being weird and being mysterious. Much of it comes down to how confident you are.

A good old adage, but, don't hateread! It's a waste of time! Time should be dedicated to three things: earning money, expanding my horizons, and chilling the fuck out. In ascending order of importance.

Reread this resolution every day month. Every week, every day. Otherwise, you'll forget!

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, November 20th, 2024.

What’s better: winter break or spring break? Such breaks are no longer applicable to me, but in the past, winter break. It's longer (our winter breaks were two weeks, whereas spring break was only a single week) and it involves Christmas.

Are you cold, hot, or comfortable at the moment? I'm a little on the warm side. I just got out of a shower, I'm wearing cozy clothing, and the heater is running.

How many concerts have you been to in your life? Two/three. I left one pretty early because I was sick, though, so idk if I should even count it.

What’s your favorite TV show? I don't have a favorite show, but I do enjoy history, outer space, and food-related documentaries.

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted? No. The last person I texted was Iris (manager). She posted a birthday photo to the group chat - of her pup who turned two years old today. I replied wishing him a happy birthday.

Would you rather paint your room puke green, or eat a potato bug? Eat a potato bug. Get the suffering over with. It would take hours and hours of effort to paint my room, and days and days of enduring potential migraines while the paint fumes cleared up. Then I would have to do it all over again because I'm not keeping puke green walls.

How old were you when you had the chicken pox? Pretty young. So young that I don't recall anything from the experience.

Ever had a friend named Alex or John? I've had a friend named Jon. Basically the same, just a slightly different spelling.

Are you one who misses a lot of school, just because? I'm not in school anymore, but I was frequently absent. I'm kind of surprised the same tendency hasn't followed me into volunteering. I've missed a few days here and there for various reasons, but nothing like when I was in school.

What type of music do you listen to the most? Classical.

What are you looking forward to in the next month? Hopefully, more snow…but not so much snow that I can't fit in another trip to the Mountain Park. And Thanksgiving. I wonder if the animal shelter is doing anything to celebrate. I might go to that if I'm invited and not too busy with my own cooking/baking.

Is there anyone that you’d love to just spill your guts to? I already do that in therapy.

When was the last time you painted a picture? If digital painting counts, then the last time was about a week ago. It's been maybe 2-3 years since I've done any "actual" painting.

Where is the person you have feelings at right now? There is no such person.

Can you drive? When did/do you get your license? I can. I got my license when I was 20 years old, but I stopped driving about a year after that and didn't pick it back up again until October 2023.

Have you ever had to get braces? Yeah.

What brand and flavor was the last gum you chewed? Mint.

Are you happy with your relationship status? I'm fine with it for the time being because I'm still trying to figure myself out, but I would like to be in a relationship one day. I don't want to remain single for the rest of my life.

What did you have for lunch today? Was it good? I haven't had lunch yet. I'm going to Black Eyed Pea with my mom and will likely be ordering the Cobb salad.

Which one: chocolate chip or sugar cookie? Sugar cookies.

Who was the last person that you sincerely apologized to? Probably my dad.

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Why or why not? I don't mind it, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I like it.

Do you like the color orange? Is it your favorite? Yeah. I wouldn't consider it a favorite on its own, but I do love autumnal orange/earthy hues. I also look surprisingly okay in orange clothing.

What kind of ice cream did you last eat? I think it would have been a coconut ice cream bar at the animal shelter over the summer.

What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Not necessarily all at once, but ketchup, mustard, crushed up corn chips, cheese, onion, and jalapeno peppers.

Have you ever been in a spelling bee? In school.

Do you enjoy talking on the telephone? Who do you talk to the most? Naw.

Do you think the last person you texted is attractive? She is pretty, but I'm not personally attracted to her.

Does it bother you when people don’t answer questions with exact answers? Like they're trying to dodge the question? I guess it depends on the circumstances. If I need an exact/clear answer, then yes. But if I asked a question that someone maybe found too personal or just didn't want to answer for some reason, then…oh well. Not my business.

Do you know how to snap your fingers? I can't do it. D;

In what order do you get ready in the mornings? Wake up around 4:30am, lie in bed and watch YouTube until around 5:30am, gather my clothing, brush my teeth, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack my bag/lunchbox, and chat with my dad until it's time to leave.

When did you last cry? What for? Weeks ago. Over a movie.

Where were you at 9:18 this morning? Here, eating a snack and scrolling through YouTube comments. After that, I buzzed my hair and took a shower.

Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? At home.

When was the last time you consumed alcohol? Late July. I had some sample beers at a fund-raising event for the animal shelter.

What is in your bag for school, or work? When packed for a full day - a book for reading on lunch breaks, gum, migraine meds, snacks, a lunchbox, a couple of bottles of Powerade, a water bottle, toiletries, chapstick, and my little bag with ID cards and such.

The 2nd to last person you texted, how did you meet them? He's my dad, so…!

Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? I'd probably just say I like someone/have feelings for them/whatever.

Have you been drunk in the last week? No.

What’s your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Oatmeal.

[catrakomtrikru]

You know, since I'm on the topic of personal trauma and music saving me have another post. This is going to be a long one.

When I was in my mid 20s my mom got sick and went to the hospital. She almost died. And it might not be shocking after my last post but dad and his side of the family were no help. They didn't even want to take me and my brother to see her. I wasn't working yet and couldn't drive. And my brother has some mental health problems that make it hard for him to do either.

Well fast forward and she comes home but we ended up moving to a cheaper place because now money is tight. One night I'm at work, I was doing security at some apartments and I get a call. It's mom saying she got thrown in jail because the tags on the car were out. We end getting the bail money a few days later but now we have no car. Which makes it harder for me and mom to get to work. We mostly ate of my brother's ssi money. And guess what? We end up losing the house too.

So now we're staying with this other family in a falling apart house that smells like dog shit. We knew them because I went to first grade with the older daughter and mom and her mom stayed friends. While there we had no privacy, people were having sex where everyone could see and one night the mom's boyfriend attacked me.

The next day my older brother and his family drive three hours to come get us. This was in 2020. I'm still living with them, and I don't plan on moving. I did end up going through a shitty break up and I git sexually and otherwise harassed by a coworker. And after everything that happened it was a lot on my mental health. I felt like I'd never get better.

So to help with the feelings one day I'm just on YouTube listening to music and this cover of misery business shows up. I check it out and it's really good. I took up the singer and it turned out she was in a band, and they're local.

So April of 2023 I go see this band play at pop punk nite and I get to meet the girl, her name is Chaney. She was so sweet and she's still sweet to me now. We stayed in touch over Instagram and have seen each other several times since meeting last year.

Through her I've made sooo many other amazing friends too. I'm pretty much friends with all the local bands in the scene now, they all hug me and sometimes give me free staff. I had one guy message me asking for the videos I took at his show the other night and posted one on Instagram. And they always dm me asking me to go to shows.

The first House parties, Chaney's band went on tour I went when they had their hometown show and she literally ran to me, jumped on me, and threw her arms around my neck. I caught her and hugged her back. She also recommended the shop I got my most recent tattoo at.

But yeah, this community saved me and gave me a family I needed. I love them ❤️

Here's some pics of me and some of my favorite people.

Photo credits in case you want to check the bands out.

1. Me and Chaney from House parties

2. Me, Jarrett and Zak from offended by everything.

3. Me and Colton from waiting 4 April

(I'll check for typos tomorrow)

[patches-bitsandbobs]

started: 10/10/2023: Giovanni's diary entries, from the 60's, all the way until he meets his new best friend in the 90's. (warnings for mentions of cancer and death)

196⬛, April (a doodle of a man wearing a beaten looking top hat is at the top of the page) Ben and his buds came in, absolutely sloshed out of their minds. Ben was wearing a stupid, torn up top hat. apparently the fair was packed, all kinds of different booths and little shops this time, which is nice to hear. he looks so ridiculous in it. he's gonna regret it tomorrow - don't think Ben thought ahead to take the day off. he never tends to.

196⬛, April I was right. poor fella looked greener than a pickle. apparently Nicole and the people at work laughed at him the entire time, which I don't doubt at all. decided to grant him mercy and let him nap here, though I don't think the counter was the best place for it. he seemed to appreciate it though. his friends came in later, and we all escorted him back home, and Nicole gave us cookies as thanks. saw the top hat on the table. says he's gonna keep it. they're a funny bunch.

196⬛, May (doodles of flowers litter one corner of the page) Bridget gave me some of her winnings from the fair today. some pins of characters I've never seen before, posters of TV shows, a really comfortable shirt. has a cat face on it. it's cute. I told her she didn't need to give me anything but she insisted, so I gave her cupcakes in return. glad to hear the rich didn't ruin the fair this year. I wish I'd gone. I always miss it when it's good.

197⬛, March a three legged dog keeps ransacking the bins behind the parlour. no idea how it even gets behind there. told Bertha about it. didn't see a collar, so maybe it's a stray? I hope it doesn't go into the forest.

197⬛, June Tala told me a joke that was so funny I laughed for 10 minutes straight. they wouldn't stop staring at me. I don't care. I needed that. now Ben won't stop calling me the "grinning chuckler". as if it's my fault she's so funny.

197⬛, June Jenny said Ben and Richy had an argument the other day, though she doesn't know about what. said she heard Richy make all kinds of threats toward him. that's scary. that man can do anything he wants with all the money he's got. when Ben comes in later, I'll ask if I can help with anything. we need to stick together.

197⬛, August it's like Ben just up and disappeared. he's been nowhere near the parlour, and the gang say they haven't seen him either. Nicole seems absent too, but Tala said she saw her in her house. it makes me nervous.

197⬛, October (the bottom of the paper is covered with doodles and scribbles of birds and dogs) Ben and Nicole still haven't shown up. not like them to dip without a word to anyone, especially Ben. I haven't even seen them out and about! I've been everywhere, searching and asking around, but no ones seen them. I'm worried.

197⬛, November Richie was in a better mood than usual today, which is never a good sign. was gloating and being more arrogant. seemed like he was celebrating something. I wish he'd drop dead already. it started raining after he left. call me superstitious, but I find that when it rains, it's never a good sign.

197⬛, November still no sign of Ben or Nicole, and now June seems absent too. what is going on?

197⬛, December not much happened today. still worried. all I've done is bake all day. made too many cupcakes. thankfully Bertha buys them in bulk, and Triston always stops by for one. I asked if they'd seen anyone. both said no. Bridget says she feels sick and that her legs feel numb. got a bad feeling about all of this.

197⬛, December (there are dried tear marks on the paper) Bridget is getting worse. can barely walk now, can't even leave the house. she keeps her door unlocked for visitors. she looks like she's on deaths door. she isn't even in her 70's yet.

197⬛, January (the margin is covered with doodles) a new year, a new scheme by the rich to try and petition replacing Kings Park for a bingo place again. I'm so glad they're not allowed to do as they wish; they have enough places that belong to them as is. we're lucky we even have the park.

197⬛, January (the margin is covered with doodles of cats and dogs) at least Richy isn't happy anymore.

197⬛, March I'm trying to help as much as I can; house cleaning, shopping, keeping her company. she's bed bound now. can't stand seeing Bridget like this. it's tearing me apart. Jenny helps here and there. we still haven't seen Ben or Nicole. where are they?

197⬛, April June dropped by! her and Jacob are planning for a baby! I'm so happy that living in a wretched place such as this doesn't put couples off from having families. she stayed for hours. wonderful to see her again. was worried something bad had happened to her. gave her cupcakes on the house. she and Jacob were studying about babies at the library, which, hey. at least they're going into the whole thing properly. I didn't even know they had those kinds of books.

197⬛, November Bertha said she caught the stray dog and gave it a bath! should be staying at hers until she can find it a new home. I would take it in but I'm not very good with animals. breaks my heart every time they go.

197⬛, December they haven't been to the parlour in weeks. not like them at all. Tala never misses Milkshake Monday, even when she's sick. I hope they didn't go looking for Ben, but a horrible feeling tel

(a few pages are messily torn out)

198⬛, June its started to rain really hard. been a while since it rained like this, probably decades, if I had to guess. I've been alive a long time at this point. I'm tired.

198⬛, June there's no doubt in my mind that they're all dead. haven't seen Jenny, Tala, nor Loid in months. still nothing of Nicole either. oh, Ben. if only you knew how much we loved you. we could have tried to help with whatever was happening. I wish you hadn't locked yourself away.

198⬛, July (the paper is covered in angry scribbles) I knew Richie had something to do with Bens disappearance. I knew he had something to do with the others. I knew it. lying, slimy bastard. we can't do anything about him. not like we can kill him, we'd be no better than that thing in the forest. wretched man. no idea what happened to Nicole, but I haven't seen her since all those years ago. no idea how she can stay away for this long - this town is so tiny, how is she staying off the radar? we at least know she isn't in the forest. that's at least a positive.

198⬛, February the stray dog Bertha caught a while ago both didn't find a home and managed to escape her place. for having three legs, it sure is quick! said it managed to outrun her and dip behind a fence. feisty little thing.

198⬛, june (there are dried tear marks on the paper) bridget is dead. cancer. she was struggling for years, finally got her. i am not a praying man, but i cant take this heartbreak any longer. i cant bear losing one more person. i have been alive long enough. i am not giving the forest the satisfaction, but all i beg is that something, anything, kills me. please. i want no more of this. i cant handle it anymore.

(a few pages are full of nothing but drawings; tree's, animals, scenery, and flowers)

198⬛, ju jacob visited. dropped off some flowers and a cake june made. that was nice of him. chest still hurts. need to reopen the parlour soon. can't sit around doing nothing all day.

198⬛, sep feeling a tad better, though not by much. it's still hard. i can't keep getting attached, but i can't help it. i made some pizzas and opened the parlour today. have to keep going, i suppose.

198⬛, March a monster walked out of the forest, a cat. turned out to be one of Bertha's rescues, no idea how she could even tell from under the tar. killed four people. was hard to down - a miracle we were even able to. leaked tar everywhere, can't clean it properly, too sticky and thick, none of us want to touch it, even with gloves on. nothing like this has happened before. it's all too sudden. hope that dog doesn't go in next.

198⬛, March a new rule was made, to catch, report, and eradicate anything that comes out of the forest on sight. easier said than done. of course it was devised by the old rich people, the same ones who won't want to deal with it themselves, so they make us do it instead. typical if you ask me. getting sick of it.

198⬛, December (the page is full of doodles of a three legged, spotted dog) I've named the stray dog Ruby. it's getting colder, and it breaks my heart to see her outside in this weather. she visits the bins all the time, and she trusts me enough to let me touch her. she's started coming inside the parlour with me, so I got a doggie bed, and she sleeps in it all the time now. looks like she's had three legs for a long time, but she doesn't look skinny or sick. I think she's a bulldog. have to ask Bertha. it's weird. something feels off about her, and I can't put my finger on why.

199⬛, March boxes have started showing up at the forests entrance. I'm not sure whats in them. no one wants to go near them.

199⬛, March some kids visited and gave me something? I'm not sure what the hell it is. it's weird and made of metal, and if you rotate the handle, the end of it twists? it looks like a whisk got shoved on to a pole, with some mechanical bits slapped on for good measure. they said they found it in those weird boxes. trust the youth to not give a fuck. just glad no monster jumped out at them.

199⬛, March the strange mechanical thing is exactly as I thought - a modified whisk. it's less strenuous than using your hand, makes the mixing a lot easier. I like it.

199⬛, March same group of kids came by and dropped off even more stuff from those boxes. there's all sorts of gadgets and gizmos! I can't wrap my head around them! one looks like a flat box that can flip open, while another looks like a brick! it sketches me out that these came from the forest, but the whisk hasn't turned on me yet, so these must be safe as well. it's not like the forest to be so kind without there being a twist.

199⬛, May (there are dried tear marks on the paper) JUNE HAD A BABY! HER NAMES ROXY!

199⬛, May (there are dried tear marks on the paper) Roxy is so tiny she held my hand she's so small compared to me I've never seen Jacob so happy they're gonna be great parents

(the writing is illegible, full of frantic gibberish and half crossed out sentences. only one word is solid) MONST ER

sep woke up on parlour floor. head hurts. maybe just a dream. ruby won't stop sniffing me.

(the page is full of crossed out words that are mis-spells. the face of a toothy blue rabbit is hastily drawn at the bottom) came back

wont leave sharp teeth eyes never blink scared im scared

sep (the page is full of garbled scribbles and swirls) top hat seems familiar why is it magic ???? all it does is stare at me where have i seen that hat before

(the bottom part of the page is torn)

199⬛, September (more drawings of a blue, toothy rabbit litter the page) so! there's a monster visiting my parlour now! and do you know what wasn't talked about in the agreement? WHERE TO GO WHEN THERE IS A MONSTER. WHERE DO I GO. WHO DO I GO TO ABOUT THIS. WHO DO I TALK TO TO GET THIS SORTED OUT. WHO'S IN CHARGE ABOUT THIS. WHERE DO I GO TO MAKE THIS STOP

(the bottom of the page is torn)

im going mad

199⬛, September well, at least the monster knows not to show up in the day time. still don't want it here at all. it said it's from the forest. still don't know what to do. at least it hasn't tried attacking yet. can't tell June, doesn't deserve the stress. don't know Triston well enough. don't think Bertha would want a sentient talking rabbit thing with the rest of her animals. would rather be killed than go to the rich. what do I do

sep is this my prayer finally answered? did the forest actually listen to me? if so, then why isn't it attacking? why is it biding its time? ive wanted this for so long. maybe it can kill me. i need to provoke it. why is it not attacking me. all it does is stare.

-----

Giovanni emotion speedrun

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

466 of 2023

1 - When was the last time you spent over $100 in one transaction? What did you buy?

Probably the last thing was my laptop, 3 years ago.

2 - Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Would you judge a grown adult for doing so?

No and no. We all have our ways to comfort ourselves.

3 - Would you describe yourself as fashion-conscious, or do you just wear whatever feels comfortable?

I wear what's comfortable, but with a twist. My clothes reflect my interests.

4 - The last time you got up from where you’re sitting, where did you go and what did you do?

Cleaned the tables, the floor lamp and my laprop, and did the dishes.

5 - Would you rather read an erotic novel or watch an erotic film?

Ew, no. Both are boring and cheesy.

6 - Who taught you how to tell the time on a proper analogue clock?

My dad, but it took me a very long time. Just as braiding hair and tying my shoelaces lol.

7 - What’s your favourite way to make your home smell good? Do you spend a lot of money on making this happen?

I use scented sprays for in the room, and Febreze for fabrics and rugs. It doesn't cost much, but I always have several scents. For Christmas, I have a gingerbread spray.

8 - How long have you had the computer/tablet you’re currently using? Does it need replacing or upgrading?

Three years and it's getting blue screens sometimes, but it works fairly fast. I need to have a look at these errors, though.

9 - When you’re home alone, do you make sure all your doors are kept locked?

Our front door locks automatically, you can't even open it without a key. Our backyard door is only locked when we leave for longer than one day.

10 - How often do you light candles? Do you just like regular ones or do you prefer scented ones or ones that make pretty patterns when they melt?

I don't use candles at all, unless for my birthday.

11 - Are you any good at taking care of plants?

Nope. I'm much better with kitties.

12 - How many surveys have you taken so far today? Will you take anymore surveys today once you’ve finished this one?

I just took this one because my days are rather busy, but I try to do at least one a day.

13 - What are the main two colours in the room you’re currently in? Did you pick these colours out yourself?

The walls are light beige and we picked this colour together. Light and warm, that's what we like.

14 - What was the last hot drink you consumed? What about cold drink?

Hot chocolate and Coca Cola.

15 - Do you have piercings anywhere except your ears? How many and what are they?

Yup, except my five ear piercings I have snakebites and left eyebrow.

16 - Do you prefer taking baths or showers? How come?

Showers because faster and actually clean, but I would like a bath for relaxing. The problem is, we don't have a bathtub.

17 - What time do you need to wake up tomorrow morning? What is it that you have to be up for?

8:00, for medication.

18 - If you work, how often do you get paid? Would you prefer to get paid more or less often?

Twice a month, every two weeks, but my sick leave is paid once a month and I would like it twice a month, too.

19 - What does your favourite pair of pyjamas look like? Do you wear them to sleep or just to be comfy around the house?

I don't even wear any pjs.

20 - How often do you wake up in the night needing a pee?

Once or twice, it depends how much liquid I drink the day before.

21 - What apps do you use the most on your phone?

Some mobile games, Opera for internet and some photo- and video editing apps.

22 - Do you prefer cats or dogs? Do you own any of either?

I'm definitely a cat person, and yes, I have two cats.

23 - Do you have one of those fridges that has an ice-maker in the front? If not, would you find one useful?

No, I don't think our fridge does that. It's not needed for us anyway.

24 - Do you like wearing hats? What’s your favourite style?

Nope, I would never ever wear this.

25 - If you live in a household with pets, who is responsible for their care - both in terms of finance and the physical tasks involved?

Mostly me. I clean their liotterbox and buy them food, my husband pays for vet visits and medication/vaccines.

26 - What’s your opinion on leggings as pants?

I couldn't care less, wear whatever you want.

27 - Have you ever driven in bare feet or do you think that’s too dangerous?

I don't drive.

28 - Have you ever walked out of a job before? What were the circumstances and did you ever go back?

No, I haven't. I love my job way too much.

29 - Do you collect anything? Are these things worth money or are they practical/sentimental items?

I do collect pens, notebooks, planners, keyrings, postcards and fridge magnets. They do cost money, but it's more sentimental as I buy them as souvenirs from every trip.

30 - Do you have anything hanging from your ceiling apart from lights?

Yeah, and old fly catcher, that one with glue. It should be taken off already.

[bubsub69]

Entry 1

entries 1-13 were written pre-tumblr

12/05/2023 4:08

4am what better time to start a diary, who knew waking up for 9am classes and then at noon on the next day and then 9am etc could fuck up your sleep schedule.

But yeah… why start a secret encrypted diary now? the first one i've ever made? idk, im just tired and afraid and sick of being lonely and touch starved and all the other stuff

Definetely didnt help to scroll through r/niceguys and seeing the I'm 21 kissless virgin that was bullied and ignored by girls that isnt sexist and racist and doesnt do drugs and thinking wow its literally me and then it being followed by females owe me sex the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/12n0m5q/ngvc_im_not_a_sexist_but_females_owe_me_sex/

cause you know… what if i become like this, what if i become an even bigger nuisance than i already am and/or fuck up my chances of ever finding someone, it's especially worrysome that i felt bad for some of the guys, you know simpathizing with the kind of people that call women whores for not wanting the nice guy, cant believe i went to the subreddit because of the omoriboy soy parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahPdX90_6jg).

And then there's the someone i found ish just gonna call her D She replied to my post on the femdompersonals subreddit and it was pretty close to love at first sight, but probably very one sided, i mean shit she was now moving from the us to porto what better luck could i want. But she's been very busy, especially with the moving, it took from her texting me on the 26 of april to the 7th of may just to have a 1 hour call.

And boy that call was something, i literally think it was the only time i was genuinely happy in like.. i dunno a month? a year? more? i couldnt even sleep that night, i really needed that call cause i thought she was just fucking with me at that point, you know pretending to be interested and catfishing me for something but no i got a 1 hour call and she even showed me her face at the end, i was kinda expecting something sexual but no it was just getting to know each other which is fine for a first call, she's a really cool and interesting girl, i did think it was weird she just went to walk her dog mid conversation but i guess its something that cant wait, it probably had to pee as well.. maybe it was actually nice of her not to hang up on the call while she was walking the dog.

But yeah i'm kind of back at square one, shes not busy with moving but she has a million hobbies apparenly that she balances with her work and learning a new language and all that stuff, shes had a non specified workshop and a ceramics class as excuses which.. yeah im doubting if shes actually doing, i even commented wow you have a lot of hobbies which i was scared of doing cause i didnt want to imply shes lying even if i have the gut feeling she is, and it makes me feel awful to not trust her, but honestly i think i'd be fine with all that if she just put some initiative in texting, literally the only time she texted first was for a link to a game that she didnt even comment on, really makes ya wonder is she doing some 'woman games™' or just fucking with me or just seeing how far she can push me.. fuck i am becoming an incel, cause you know its the classic i have a life outside of you, you cant just expect me to make time for you everyday but fuck maybe the first call was a bad ideia cause now i just crave more, i seriously think theres some potential here but not if she doesnt have time for me, which im obviously not entitled to but ofc i still want it.

im just so scared of texting her, if i do it too often i might annoy her, if i dont do it enough she might forget about me.. i dont even know whats worse, i tried texting every other day but that also seems like too much, i dunno do i just wait for her to text me and make a call appoinment, it also kind of doesnt help i dont even know her name or age, granted she doesnt know my name either but yeah its another layer of anonymity that i want to get rid of, maybe i should try on the weekend, its when we had the call and she might have time, we'll see

She did kind of mention meeting up one day, dont know if she was just being nice of something, but i just wish i knew how she feels about me, or just get some advice with texting her, i dont want to be disingenuous either and write what someone else tells me to, how do i balance being needy and not annoying.

and theres also the voice.. i'm honestly starting to worry im losing control to the self degrading voice i have inside me, that thing is real mean, its whats making me distrust her and shit, i even thought i 'defeated' it with the call but it just came back same as before. The youre useless and an annoyance and all those thoughts are kind of starting to worry me a bit, especially since the suicide thoughts are becoming a bit too common, im still far from it, im too scared to do it, but the first step of commiting suicide is having the reason to do it, and i also think im kind of becoming a psycopath, not in the edgy way its just ive become so apathetic lately, the 'mom would be sad' strategy doesnt work at all cause im so sick of her, between being annoying and not trusting me and being dumb and the shit she did to my cousin and kind of being blamed cause shes getting unknown disease cause of stress, ive kind of grown to hate her a bit i did cry a bit when i got my cousin's graduation ribbon (its a thing here, you write shit like good job and good luck), reading the only ribbon that i got that wasnt just generic garbage made me tear up a bit, not immediately just when i got home, and it didnt help when she hugged me and said if you ever leave pls take me with you, so yeah maybe im not apathetic i just hate my mother

There's also my cat, im kind of getting… idk sick of him too angry, it just feels like he doesnt like me sometimes, which is absurd he comes to greet me and only me when i arrive and hes actually been sleeping a bit with me tonight and yesterday, but the biting when i pet him is really annoying.. what am i saying its just cat stuff its normal. I am feeling kinda weird when i pet him and think damn i wish i was the one being petted (not by him ofc), you know just lying on girls lap and being petted, r/cuddle_slut really made me realize how fucking touch starved i am.

Or maybe i should just move on from her.. maybe she doesnt want that kind of relationship, i really dont want to start talking to someone else while im talking with her tough, feels real scummy, i kind of did that with someone on skype, i had a couple of sessions with her but she kind of stopped texting me as i was talking to D which was lucky, but in those sessions i had full video on and she didnt even use her voice so i guess its kind of fair, she was also the one that took the initiative texting so who knows maybe shes doing what im planning on doing, letting her text first which didnt really work out for her cause i didnt and now our last message is from the 28th. typing this really discouraged me from the let her text first and see what happens strategy, i guess ill settle for trying on the weekend tough this saturday i have the ribbon party so hopefully i have time and energy to call her

Maybe ill just try some keyholding, just to do something sexual that isnt just showing my junk and locking it or putting my finger in my ass for the skype girl, but the problem with keyholding is that it might take some time.. what if while im locked D wants to do something and i reveal i've been """unfaithfull""" i think im gonna wait a bit more for her i really want things to work out with her she just seems like a really cool person but im worried im too much of a loser for her, the very busy woman who managed commitees has a million hobbies and her boyfriend who's a stay at home gamer

I guess that's it for first entry, hopefully when I'm rereading this im in a better state, or maybe im showing this to my therapist or hey maybe even D or whatever her name is, overall not bad for a first diary entry i think, i got to rant a bit even if it was just on a keyboard, i think im gonna start writing here a bit, some non sad stuff as well hopefully

maybe ill dump this on some ai text and see what happens (garbage pretty much)

See you on entry 2 i guess.

PS wow its 5:15 was not expecting to spend an hour writing this