#2021 you were so good to me
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“if it’s too bright i’ll be your shadow” (screaming and crying and exploding)
the new episode got me. little sad there was no confession so of course i had to draw them to make up for it
bonus stuff
#i literally could not rest until i drew them#the episode was SO good im absolutely loving s3 so far#that last drawing is from 2021 (after the first shikimei episode aired) I just never finished it#i think Mei’s hair scared me#my art or something#love live#love live superstar#shiki wakana#mei yoneme#shikimei#can you believe how much the end of special color looks like Mei is kissing her cheek. unfair#it’s still very cute but we were so close
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ethubs
shoutout to you and all the other ethubs warriors who have been here with me in the trenches since 2021. we were right about everything ever since the beginning of time but in the worst possible ways and no one can ever take that away from us . amen
#genuinely love how many of my last life era ethubs mutuals are still here and posting 5000 word analyses about their intricate gay rituals#just like the good old days. none of us will ever get over it and its beautiful#actually speaking of old mutuals who r still around#pretty sure one of my first posts ever was me adding an unsolicited four paragraph reblog addition to one of scott megabuilds ethubs posts#i didnt understand tumblr at the time. 2021 rio was so brazen i dont even think we were mutuals. i could never do that now .#mildly embarrassing in retrospect but You know what were both still here and i still stand by everything i said.#also i have no idea when this ask was from btw sorry Aleph if this is old. i found it in mydrafts half answered
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The 126 + hobbies/interests | TK & sports + music (pt. 2)
#911 lone star#tk strand#the 126 + hobbies/interests#jock!tk is so canon - fight me#its interesting that 3 out of the 4 of these were from one episode lol#also just cause I'm claiming music is an interest for tk does NOT mean I think he has good or relevant tastes here LOL#'can't hold us' came out in 2011 bro#why is this discussion happening in 2021??#but I love that its twice in that episode you see TK turning to music when he's stressed#he's also nervously fiddling with his hands in both those scenes#god i love those little touches so good#my gifs#its been awhile since ive made one of these hobbies/interests sets!#126 hobbies series
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My housemate is moving out in January
She told us this a week or two ago, when she sat down and, after sitting with us watching TV for over an hour, said "hey so I bought a house and I'm moving out. We agreed on 2 months notice so I won't move until the end of January."
The last time she talked in the immediate terms about buying a house was in 2021, when the sale she was working on fell though and she was unemployed so it was a "when I'm back in a position to look I'll start looking again." Since then I've occasionally asked her how she's doing on the house buying front and she's been like "oh I'm getting there financially" but hasn't mentioned anything concrete.
She didn't tell us she was looking at places. She didn't tell us she had put in an offer. She told us when the offer was finalised. A week AFTER she emailed the letting agent about getting out of her part of the lease. And, it increasingly feels like, only because the letting agent's response was that we had to agree to change the lease.
The letting agent's response (which our housemate obviously didn't copy us into; we had to follow up separately and they copied us into the email chain) also includes that when we change the lease, they're empowered to change the rent, quote, "no cap". Rent was already going up in January - there's no possibility of Sam and I paying her share of the rent.
The really fucking upsetting thing is we're not strangers. This isn't a casual "housemate we found on flatshare" thing. She and Sam have lived together literally their entire adult lives. Me and her have known each other well over a decade. I lived in her and Sam's flat when I was homeless. We were the first people she came out to as trans. We're not super close but I thought we were fucking friends. And she's literally gone out of her way to not talk to us about this for what must have been months while the sale completed - which means she's lied to my face at least once cause I've asked her about her finances in that time (cause she's in a job she hates that she only took to get the house money, so it's like. when we've been commiserating about work stuff I'm often asking 'are you almost free?'). she literally went out of her way to talk to the letting agents before talking to us about putting us in a situation where we could lose our fucking home.
And she keeps. trying. to pretend nothing's happened. Every time I've seen her since then she's not mentioned anything or apologised or anything, she just keeps chatting away and offering hugs and fistbumps like nothing's happened. Like we're still fucking friends.
All it would take for us to still be friends and to be happy for her would have been one fucking sentence in the groupchat like "hey, just put an offer in on a house" or "I'm looking at properties, just so you know, that might happen in the next few months". Like nobody begrudges her for buying a house! It's very cool for her! She's 31 she's worked really hard to get the money I would love to be happy for her! Unfortunately she decided avoiding conflict is more important than giving the people she fucking LIVES WITH (who btw fronted her a month on the rent here while she was unemployed and agreed to take on a larger proportion of the move-in cost back in 2021, if we're still holding ourselves to shit we said 2.5 years ago), so no, you are not entitled to our friendship or to going back to normal.
like if she'd been honest with us it would have been something to process but we'd have had time to figure out our next steps. instead she's left us in a position where we have to find a new roommate before she gives her one month notice, which means finding someone by the end of December, which oh look that's the middle of the fucking Christmas holidays. and she didn't tell us anything until the START of December, or copy us into her conversation with the letting agent, meaning we still don't know what the rent on that space will be so we aren't yet in a position to advertise it. Has she offered to help find a roommate? Has she fuck. Has she offered to help out by moving her move-out date? Nah, she's moving as soon as she gets the keys because, quote, "that means her finances won't have to change". SOUNDS LOVELY. NOT HAVING YOUR FINANCES SUDDENLY CHANGE. I THINK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY REASONABLE FUCKING GOAL.
Thirteen fucking years she's lived with Sam. Four fucking weeks over Christmas she's left us to figure out a way to not turbofuck our living situation. And she's got the fucking nerve to try and pretend we should be interacting like nothing's changed. Jesus Christ. What a fucking unhinged way to treat...anybody, honestly. never mind the friends-your-entire-adult-life part. literally cannot imagine a scenario in which I would buy a house without telling the people I lived with.
(haha actually this is what my parents divorced over so apparently it's not unusual. although at least my dad had the decency to tell the woman he shared finances with at the point he put in an offer not the point the fucking sale went through.)
Like we'll be fine. It's a huge city centre flat with decent rent and queer housemates, hopefully even when the rent goes up it'll be an easy sell in a city with a huge housing shortage and big queer community. We've got a couple of people interested already, sight unseen - worst case scenario we have to live with someone we don't get on with. And it's given Sam and me a push to look at our own finances and as of today, we've got a mortgage decision in principle and can start looking at flats in the area - mind, we'll be transparent upfront and tell any prospective housemates that yeah, we're looking to buy and move out in the next 6-12 months, and we'll tell them if we put an offer in, because we're decent fucking people who aren't going to spring that on someone out of the blue.
But it's been I think 2 weeks and I'm so fucking angry I could spit. It's such a fucking betrayal. And frankly you know selfishly like. I just had a breakup a couple of months ago, I'm in the middle of moving jobs, both me and Sam have a history of housing instability and this has been the first decent, stable, safe, not-mouldy not-freezing home I think any of us have had, and this is so fucking triggering and upscuttling I could just start biting. like I was talking to my friend about it last week and it's just like. Can I have One Fucking Thing of the three main tentpoles of survival - home, work, relationships - that are fucking stable right now? because shit has been In Flux lately. and at least the work and relationship stuff has changed because of my decisions. going through all that work to make myself short-term unstable to gain long-term stability has been really hard and draining and then just as I was reaching the crisis point with work stuff BOOM, IT'S HOUSING INSTABILITY WITH A STEEL CHAIR. fuck. seriously fuck this and fuck her. we're going to make something good come of it but what a deeply, unbelievably shitty thing to do.
#red said#the other thing that bugs me about it is. ok and again this is old shit dredged back to 2021 when we moved in together#but i had my housemate. and Sam had her. and each of us were really close pairs who'd lived together a long time#and we tried looking for flats as a four but a) a flat with 4 good sized bedrooms in Edinburgh is hens teeth#and b) my housemate was pretty happy to live with me and Sam but increasingly felt like a 4 man flat was going to be a lot for him#and so in the end we talked about it. and through a combination of that and same housemate being in a pretty#unfavorable position housing wise. cause she was unemployed and had shit credit at that moment.#we agreed she'd move with us and Joe went and found a one bed#and in the end that's been really great for him tbh he's a lot happier and more confident and we were pretty sick of each other by then#and so we get on much better now#but at the time it was a real heartache i felt like I'd let Joe down i felt like our friendship was over#and honestly I have never been a huge fan of living with our current housemate. even before we lived here#like when i was staying with her and Sam too. she's incredibly messy and takes up a lot of space in conversations#I've always liked her as a person but she's exhausting and often unpleasant to share space with#and there's a bit of me that's like. we bent over backwards to accommodate you when you were precarious.#like it would have been WAY easier for us to look for a 2-bed during 2021. and if it was a 3-bed I'd have rather stayed with Joe.#but we moved with her for her sake. and she left Sam to clean up their old place (and there were Literal Rats)#and she got really pissy about driving the moving van even though a) that was her idea and b) she's the only person with a license#and c) i walked all MY shit over by hand anyway and the only reason she hired the van was to move her tv#me and Sam found all the core furniture. me and Sam sorted out all the viewings. me and Sam did all the planning. Sam set up all the bills.#we spotted her for rent!we took a bigger share of the costs! because we fucking cared about her and wanted her to have a fucking home!#and she can't even do us the courtesy you'd offer a fucking lodger you found on fucking gumtree
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AEW Collision | 06.15.24
#aewedit#aew collision#anthony henry#kyle o'reilly#my gifs#marie#i have like. a lot to say and think about with this matchup but i shan't. unless you too were watching 2021 black and gold era BUT ANYWAY#i love love love LOVE when they bring anthony in randomly it's so good for me#also the blue???? works so good for him#it also happens to be the color of my nails rn too!
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WHY CAN'T I FIND ANY FANFICS ON TUMBLR THAT ISN'T PURE SMUT ANYMORE. LIKE GIVE ME FLUFF, ANGST, AND MOST OF ALL: PLOT😭🙏🙏🙏
#Smut writers on tumblr are so good but PLEASE.#everytime i search an x reader the first half are always SMUT.#it will take me a good scrolling of 20 minutes to find one that arent smut😭#x reader#fanfic#like#whenever I searched for a character x reader on 2021 they're with great plot#but now that I search for the same character x reader#what the hell#SMUT ALL OVER#PURE FILTH I SAY#like I love me some good written smut but it's rare to find a fanfic that isn't one these days#like you dont see me reading atwow smut since there were less during the first months the movie released#same goes for kny and other more
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safe & sound - taylor swift || jujutsu kaisen
[id in alt text]
#good morning it's not even 6am and i'm already feeling so normal about megumi and yuuji on this fine friday#itafushi#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk spoilers#i should have just added the new version of safe & sound to my playlists instead of listening to it first#i still haven't listened past safe & sound. i got distracted. also why were they added to spotify like a scavenger hunt#i can tell you for a fact safe & sound taylor's version was not released in 2021 with red tv! don't lie to me!#anyway i gotta go find the other two now. and finish adding safe & sound to all the playlists i actually had it on to begin with#hello grace here#tw blood#tw gore
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Song of the Day: March 27
"Long Time Gone" by The Chicks
#song of the day#I'm still thinking about the Country Songs About Country Songs#this is actually a cover too though I never hear the original around anywhere#(it's by Darrell Scott who is also the originator for 'You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive'#turns out he's got a bunch of songs that got picked up and made somewhat more popular in the hands of other folks. an interesting legacy)#the best lines of this song to sing are also the bits About Country Music--well the whole song's about chasing the love of it#but this bit is bemoaning the kids these days you know. country music isn't what it used to be. why back in my day etc etc#it's so so so much fun to sing too because you get to exaggerate your 'I think's until they rhyme with 'Hank'. excellent work#'we listen to the radio to hear what's cookin / but the music ain't got no soul#now they sound tired but they don't sound Haggard / they got money but they don't have Cash#they got Junior but they don't have Hank / I think I think I think / the rest is a long time gone'#it's fascinating to me to think about these songs in (saying 'historical' here is giving me psychic damage but) historical context#because the Darrell Scott original for Long Time Gone came out in 2000 and The Chicks released their version in 2002#so they were talking about the trend towards American jingoism in country music of the time#versus like Waylon Jennings in 1975 'Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way'#(I typed that and /then/ went back and looked up the release date and I'm so proud I got it right)#already bemoaning the state of country music in the 70s versus good old classic country like Hank Williams Senior sang#(Hank Jr covered Waylon's song in 1981. like yes it's a tribute to his father but also Hank Jr was a big push towards outlaw country#and has a few pretty famous songs himself about not singing like his daddy did. it just seems a strange choice to me)#and then Eric Church put out 'Lotta Boot Left to Fill' in 2009 calling out the shallowness of the country music scene of the time#(talking some only-thinly-veiled shit about a few of his peers in the process)#and then he released 'Stick That In Your Country Song' in 2021 and that /definitely/ put some backs up#that one's a less directed but more direct call-out if that makes any sense#no lines that are direct references to other artists' songs but stronger sentiments overall#not just general 'y'all are getting shallow prioritizing good times and high sales over genuine heart and integrity of craft'#but some straight up 'you have forgotten the face of your father' shit towards country artists and fans alike. the whole industry#a very good righteous-anger song
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that period of time between south park post covid being announced in 2021 to summer 2022 when everyone got obsessed with truffula flu was moderately heavenly
#i'm going through all my chronological memory hoarding playlists from late 2013 to now#taken all day but i'm currently on around june 2022 and it's so nostalgic#but like that entire time was unreal#never forget south park post covid announcement literally curing me of like 2 years worth of on and off depression#i was like still weakly crawling out of the abyss and then adult scientist philanthropist kenny jsut yanked me out of there so easily#no warning#and then i was fine. it was so funny to me like i was in the middle of my eateot induced existential crisis where i couldn't sleep and then#everything was just normal? literally whatever episode of my life i was in had ended and everything reset for the next episode#which was such a good episode as well. and then the tflu era??#reading every existing camp entre blog within a month#and then the swag and bitter archives. literally the summer of all time#not just for that i mean it was just a good summer anyway#the only logical direction for life to go in after that was down bc i'd literally peaked for about 8 months#but it was a good time while it lasted#this was meant to be a happy ''remember the good times'' post but how come i'm only allowed to be happy for like a year at most#but i'm allowed to be in the abyss for 2 years#hopefully not longer bc i'm only now just getting over the cursed half of 2022 that doesn't exist to me (sep-dec)#but like. 2015 and first part of 2016 good. 2016-2018 bad#end of 2018 and most of 2019 good. end of 2019-summer 2021 bad#end of 2021-summer 2022 good. end of 2022-now bad#the maths does not add up#anyway shoutout november 2021-july 2022 i love you soooooooo much you were so sexy <3#(apart from the agoraphobia but that was part of the fun)#(like i'd be out in public and i'd see a pic of entre on my phone and i guess too much serotonin would be released in my brain and i'd get#anxiety and have to go home and i couldn't eat in public and i basically couldn't leave the house)#(because i was too obsessed with tflu)#(that wasn't the main reason it was mostly a wild fear of food poisoning from anything. but tflu didn't help and that is so cool of it)#(truly an iconic time. okay stop talking)#ramble
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i saw a suggestion that the alt outfits signify a timeskip and became possessed lmao
#this is vee speaking#if it is i think it'd be a year max but i only have one older kuukou face atm lmao#i'll get better at it i promise lmao#i mean it when i say possessed lol like i got to a decent place in a different piece of art and jumped on this INSTANTLY#but towards the end my hand was getting shaky lmao like the cheebs were a struggle actually😭😭😭#but i persevered!!!!! with the power of kuukou thirst 😌#anyway idk what to make of it actually???? but i think kuukou's new hairstyle has a braid in it????#like a really tiny one since his hair is short lol but??? i think that's what that is????#and you can't convince me otherwise that kuukou didn't steal one of ichiro's hoodies lmao like it's the one in his 2021 arb bday card LOL#and kuukou kinda treating jiro like a baby brother is making me cry a little lol like in the 3️⃣📿🥂 modelling event#kuukou starts teasing saburo to help with his performance anxiety and i can't remember what saburo said to kuukou#but kuukou cheerfully went 'man you sure are making me feel old!!' and it made me swoon lmao kuukou's going to age so gracefully lmao#but he's such a good big bro lol??? that maturity when he bothers to use it is so *clenches fist* its so good lol#i!!!!!!! cannot wait for jiro and kuukou interactions lol!!!!!#vee is arting
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in the Horrors bonanza year that has been 2024 nobody expected the oldest and dearest Horrors of all (covid horrors) to make a third act comeback
#:)#girl who is so clinically vulnerable she's one of the like 10 people the nhs is actually offering the covid vaccine to this winter#anyway for those not in the know my parents are super extreme anti the covid vaccine#and went to great lengths to keep me from getting it in 2021 that were very deranged and tiring to think about#and then went to an antivax rally right at the height of the winter 2021 outbreak and gave me covid from that#and i was so sick i was bedbound until april sleeping 20 hours a day with circulation/bp issues and lost 175 pounds in 12 months#and then entered the 'catching covid very bad every few weeks' carousel that most of you will be familiar with#which probably ultimately ended up being the thing that killed my organs and put me in critical care lmao#anyway!! my health developments did NOT sway my parents' views on anything so the minute they figure out i've been offered this#the good old brainworms will once more take center stage and girls i have too much going on to endure this shit again#genuinely think if things get dumb over this it'll be the final straw that actually pushes me over the edge lmfao
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initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.
#i have been possessed by my fourteen year old self.#except now i am *way* less ashamed of my interests#<- oh wow when you're in a place where all your interests that are unique to you are shamed constantly you stop enjoying them#there were so many things i hoarded as ''just mine'' because i was scared that they'd be stolen from me in one way or another#because either it'd be co-opted and i'd have to confirm to their view of said interest. or i'd be shamed and belittled for enjoying it#there are so many little things now (even wider than like. media interests. like literal aspects of myself) that feel wrong to share becaus#the only way to keep it safe was to keep it close to my chest#there are a few names i'd love to go by but as soon as i think about actually telling someone it i feel like i might#(and sometimes do) have a panic attack about it#which is stupid!!! the people around me now love me!!!! and i love them!!!!!#all that to say. being able to post about armand and dm is kind of like. a rebellion i guess#tvc and specifically armand were so important to me because back then i kind of saw myself in him? v. jaded and disconnected with the world#and seeking someone to bring them forward and into a new space to try and reinvent themself#and wanting someone to love them hard enough that it encompassed everything#i wanted to be what daniel was to armand and what armand was to daniel#<- very healthy way to think about the world and relationships btw <3 i was so normal and fine and this was not a sign something was wrong#god this turned into a bit of a vent thing huh.#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol#it's a thing of like. knowing how unhealthy everything was and acknowledging that i'm healing. slowly; sure. but i am healing#i got to play a game one of them had tainted last week. it was hard and fun and i had big feelings when i was playing#because it was a little triggering. but i did it. i managed. i felt better for it.#i told my partner about one of my favourite bands back in 2021 and now they listen to them too and that's a little bit of joy#because it was one of the things that was deemed ''bad'' and that i can share that with someone now and feel safe to love it is good#and being able to be as obsessive and hyperfixated as i am right now without it being unsafe is really really lovely#and it is making me lean into it! i can engage with this without guilt! i want to fuck that old man!#it's silly and difficult and big and great and awful and complicated. but it's allowed to be. i'm allowed to be.
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Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club 25.06.24
Tonight I was lucky enough to go see Cabaret in the West End for a second time - a friend had a spare ticket going. Last time I went Callum Scott Harris was Emcee and two delightful but less memorable people played Sally and Cliff. No shade to them but Harris stole the whole show.
The current main cast - Layton Williams, Rhea Norwood and Michael Ahomka-Lindsay seem more balanced. By which I mean Norwood and Ahomka-Lindsay were incredible and Williams served his purpose just fine.
The Emcee felt more like backdrop than like an active force (as he has been with other actors in the role); several of his big joke moments had been cut back (notably the joke with the fake penis. I do not know why this is what I remember from my first watch). The Emcee also comes off differently as a POC - they've made Williams look as pale as possible, and the twist on it is that usually the Emcee in this production is entirely complicit and corrupted, but Williams came off at the very end as another man in denial of the world changing around them. It works with the show, but the interpretation is different to others in this production, so was not expecting it. He still is very much the soul of Berlin throughout, and the still incredible costumes reflect that.
The entire rest of the cast was stunning, no spots on them. I loved the actors for Victor and Bobby, Herr Mann was hilarious, Fraulein Kost is always a stand out hit. I feel like she doesn't get enough love from reviews but her bigger role in this production is excellent. Hits home the 'these people are my friends and neighbours' bit. Herr Schultz was divine, but I generally feel this way. He's such a brilliant character. And his denial that the Nazis will come to power works so well.
So many little details in this production, like Norwood really mixing a raw egg and sauce and downing it on stage, make it stand out. Norwood's Sally was incredible, and very vivacious. Life in her till the last. Her anger and frustration was palpable. Ahomka-Lindsay's Cliff was also superb - the friendly American to the T. I saw him as Jack Kelly last year, and after this I feel safe to say he'll keep climbing. Incredible performance, I'm a particular fan of how you can see the very real change in him as the reality of the situation in Germany sets in. He's the only character who really feels the urgency of it, and the rest of them are still desperately clinging to their lives.
What Would You Do hit especially hard in this production for me - I found that Sally Ann Triplett as Fraulein Scheider was brilliant. Her voice as she calls out Cliff, her 'brave young friend' - I've never felt her side of it as much as I did here. She was an incredible consistent thread throughout. I no doubt have more thoughts, but these are the preliminaries before I sleep and forget most of the whole thing!
#cabaret#cabaret 2021#michael ahomka lindsay#rhea norwood#layton williams#really great production#was lucky enough to have a table seat and the free champagne was marvelous#didnt buy anything bc all the drinks were over £15 and I'm skint rn#michael ahomka-lindsay#as ever the theatre is incredible and dressed up like a 30s Berlin nightclub! so good#love the free shot of Schnapps (i think) as you go in. slides down. excellent start#the most expensive bottle you can get at the tables is £400. insane.#the whole thing is incredibly rich ppl gatekeepy in that regard and it really rubs me wrong#they put stickers over your phone cameras at the start too which. i mean you could take them off but its the thought#many things.#also london at night is beautiful in the Summer and my fit was great
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I wish GI wasn't trying to push people (kinda specifically longer players) away from the game, like damn. I really hope new players are watching closely and not just deciding "there are haters" or "complainers." Some of the things, like the age old where's the end-of-game road map, have been actual game needs that haven't been addressed for years. Game needs, guys. Idk, if you still call some people haters/complainers, then I'm probably gonna call you a bootlicker lol
#also three pulls for three debate clubs is actually insulting and no. we were not happy about it last year either#i hope the CN community causes such a ruckus that they fix the artifact loadout bullshit#GI actually needs to apologize and ive said some wild things elsewhere like they need to give a free 5* character but honestly i just want#to see that theyre are listening to the fucking players. we fund their game and/or promote it with playing and community on platforms#they wouldnt have BILLIONS of money without the pkayers and they are not doing QoL things or fixing busted characters or the artifact#loadout that is going to be more trouble than useful. end of game information. lost weapons to timed events - im lucky i have cinnabar#spindle in case i get Albedo but i dont have that Festering sword or Jade Cutter? and both are apparently great for Furina and im pissed#that they just wont be available ever again. they heed to put them in the shop like they do the skins and im so serious about that#theres so much more#it just makes me sad bc i do really like genshin but im probably gonna move on after this all blows up or when nothing happens at all#genshin impact#my posts#oh right my frustration is with the community on the mihoyo app bc even just saying you think this is a good thing will bring in the REAL#bootlickers telling you youre ungrateful for three debate clubs lmao. i have never called it copium before but i think that if youre calling#players ungrateful for being mad that GI's appreciation for a year of playing and/or spending money is worth three 3*weapons then youre a#boooootlicker with a sad fucking addiction. seriously cope harder bro lol#i really just want them to fix the artifact loadout that shit is buuullshit. and of course i want Aloy’s constellations. they should have#been there September 2021 ffs. and i like Dehya. i like playing her too. im not meta enough to notice things i guess but hyv should have#listened to players about her.#this shouldnt be a staff of homa moment guys. that bullshit actually made change happen for the better like why are you mad at the demand#QoL things???? why are you just ok with no actual patches patching anything???#ok i gotta be done. the tags are the actual post damn lol
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screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!
#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite#the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were#near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and#have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and#are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without#realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you#and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day#knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020#but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will#i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had#and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!#ann with an ie#<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again
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