#1000-5000 words

[saph-writes]

a winter's song attempt at warmth

ao3 link:

Summary: a Kaiser character study of what love means to a unloveable boy.

Words: 2120

During the winter, brand new coats of snow cover the premature grass as they settle beneath the clouds of the long nights finally raising its darkness away. Taking short shifts, the sun rose steadily each morning, sometimes hidden in the sky while other times blinking sleepily among the passing clouds. The transition from the darkness of night to the light of morning came early during the winter amidst the busy snow, but Kaiser woke up in time for it everyday. 

For the moment where the town, always bustling with people brushing by one another and filled with countless sounds, lay dormant and alone. Rather than being harsh and violent, the silence provided comfort. He’d sneak inside the abandoned buildings he became familiar with, like close friends he’d perhaps have in another life, stepping up to the rooftop high enough for the grounds to appear small and insignificant beneath him. 

For a loveless being like himself, this was a form of love for him. He had even come to appreciate the painful freezing cold that bit and pricked his skin. 

On a particularly cold day, Kaiser did this as usual. He sat on top of a building a few streets away from home, barely at sunrise, with his legs hanging off the edge. 

His father wouldn’t be awake for another few hours. But once he did, he needed to have food ready for him. Kaiser knew he was wasting the precious moments of the morning he had to work by appreciating the scene of the desolate town but in all honesty, he couldn’t find the will to care. The ache of the bruises on his arms and legs were wearing off and the bandages he clumsily wrapped were coming undone. Yet another routine he had each day, just like that of the sun, rising and falling with the passing night. 

In the sea of numbness across his body, he rubbed his neck, wincing slightly at the pain. Only his neck had remained painful.

His hand fell to the side, grazing the snow settling on the rooftop. He brushed some of it off while taking other clumps to squeeze in his hand, until he felt the painful freeze against his palm. He winced again, but kept going nonetheless. Until he could no longer feel the cold in his hand at all. 

Kaiser sighed and laid completely on his back. His legs remained hanging off the building but his thighs, torso, and head buried itself in the blanket of snow. He stared up at the sun, and the beautiful light blue of the winter. If he squinted, it appeared as if it were softly smiling down upon him and the falling snow was its long hair brushing against his face. 

“I’m off to work again,” he said to the sky. “Wait for me here.” 

Kaiser couldn’t have been older than 9 years old. 

He stuffed his body into the hoodie he wore everyday, the one he stole from the department shop around the corner. Fuzzy on the inside, he buried his head in it and wrapped the sleeves over his hand. With his hands in hoodie’s pocket, he left the rooftop and out of the building. 

He coughed into his hand, then watched his breath make little white puffs in the air. A prickling pain cut into his throat. Sniffling, he rubbed his nose and pushed the neckline of his hoodie above his mouth. 

Kaiser snuck into his usual convenience stores. The ones where the sole employee laid sleeping on the counter or down at their phone. They’d sneak a peak at Kaiser at times coming in, but it wouldn’t interest them for long. Their boredom gave him enough time to sneak the food he needed into his pocket and slip out once they were distracted. 

By the time he finished collecting everything he needed, the sun, too, had made a considerable portion of the way up. The lonely streets filled with people once again, mostly tired adults coming in for their early morning shift. Many didn’t spare a glance down, at the boy quietly walking by, his nose and mouth buried in his hoodie, his forehead flushed and his breathing sporadic. 

Instead of worrying about his hot face, he clutched the items he stole in his pocket closer against his stomach. During times like these, he always felt the ache of his bruises stronger than before. 

But as a result of hiding his face and looking closely at the ground, Kaiser did not look at his surroundings. For that reason, before he could prevent it, he struck someone head-on, and he fell back hard on the ground. 

His arms instinctively went behind him to catch his fall, causing him to wince at the resulting pain striking up to his shoulders. The fall also caused the hoodie to be released away from his face. The cold air entered his throat and struck it. He began to cough violently. 

“Oh dear god, are you okay?”

Kaiser covered his mouth and looked up. In front of him was a young woman with long dark hair and downturned eyes. Her voice was sweet, like the sounds of birds chirping in the spring. Her mouth was slightly open and her hand was raised in front of her, attempting to run between the lines of comforting the child and being defensive. Her expression twisted as her eyes laid upon him. 

“You’re not hurt are you?” By this point, the woman abandoned her defensive position and crouched down in front of him. She was far too close for comfort. 

What is she doing? Kaiser thought. He inched away from her, but this pulled his hand away from his mouth. The cold drew out another tear-inducing cough while his forehead and cheeks remained flushed and hot. He belatedly realized how heavily he had been breathing. How desperate he was to just breathe. 

The woman was doing something strange. She mumbled something, turned, then shuffled around in her bag. Among her words to herself was “fever,” something Kaiser knew had to do with being “sick.” 

In the movies his father watched, the ones he snuck a peek at behind the door of his room, a child became sick and their mother nursed them to health, sitting by their bed with a sad expression on their face. 

Kaiser looked up at the woman. She was making the same expression. And it was directed at him. 

The woman grabbed something and clutched it. “Here, let me help you.” 

Her hand reached towards him. 

In a split second, Kaiser lost all ability to breathe and think. The hand was no longer that of the woman, but of his father, ready to grab him for another hit. 

He jolted back. He immediately covered his head with his arms in a defensive position. His throat fought back, coughing up saliva and phlegm. 

He stumbled onto his feet and bolted past her. Her yells after him grew evermore distant with every second he ran, until her voice and that hand had long disappeared behind him. But even so, he kept running, covering his mouth with his sleeve. Until he arrived at an empty street, where the wind whipped around him and the cars screeched in his ears. He felt his pockets once again. 

Nearly all the food was there. However, he had dropped a piece of bread. His breaths came out fast and short. 

“Shit…” He mumbled to himself. He collapsed to his knees and covered his head with his arms. The scene of his father’s hand with the woman played in his mind, then again, and again. 

“Piece of shit. You ran away. It’s not like it’ll be any different.” Tears pricked his eyes. He saw the woman’s expression again, her sad expression. Just like those he saw in the movies filled with loved children. 

He angrily wiped his eyes and grabbed his neck. It pulsed in pain beneath his fingertips. The sleeves dropped down and the rough material of the cheap bandages scraped his face. Every movement taunted him now. Every sensation was torture. 

“Stupid piece of shit.”

He moved his hand to grasp the food beneath the fabric. In the distance, a bell rang nine times. The snow tickled and kissed his hands. Kaiser wiped it off and got back on his feet. With another breath, these feelings and sensations would be gone.

And so it goes. 

He wondered how his father would hit him today. 

~

Kaiser opened his eyes. Instead of the sun peering through the window in its daily sunrise, he was staring at a wall made of metal panels nailed together. Instead of the bruises that were more of a nuisance than anything, the ache of a previous day’s training inched all over his body. He didn’t hear his father’s snoring, but instead of the shuffling of the other Bastard Munchen members, readying themselves for another day of training in the Neo Egoist League.

A sense of annoyance crept up on him. He had another dream about that bastard again, even though he was long over that period of his life. 

He blinked at the fuzziness encapsulating his vision. When he shifted to be more comfortable, resting his cheek on a colder side of the pillow, he belatedly realized how hot his face was. His breathing was going mainly through his mouth. When he took a breath in through his nose, he sniffled at his own congestion. An itchy prick buried itself in his throat. 

He was sick. How annoying. 

Kaiser closed his eyes again and moved the blanket up over his shoulders, against his mouth. Distantly, whispers circulated in the room until footsteps washed it away, going into and out the hall. Then, the room remained silent once again. 

Shitty body, he thought to himself. 

The silence tapped the walls. It was cold like winter’s air but brushed against him like a soothing hand. It knew not to get too close, but it grazed him just enough to hurt. Kaiser breathed into the fabric of the blanket. 

However, just before the silence could begin to blare in ears, it was shattered by footsteps approaching the door. The sound was behind him, but he recognized it all the same. The door slid open and it entered the room.

“Kaiser?”

Just like a sad puppy, Kaiser thought. He knew this, he always does, but it never makes him stop hating it. The pain of the silence lifted completely away from him. 

“What do you want,” he said. He didn’t say it like a question, but rather a demand. 

Ness stepped closer to his bed, clearly attempting to be as quiet as he could without disturbing him. When he spoke, a sickening sweetness dripped in his voice.

“Are you alright? The others said that you were sick...” 

“They don’t know what they’re talking about. I’ll be up in an hour. Let me sleep.” Kaiser’s eyes were wide open now, but he stood by what he said. He buried his head in his arm, scraping the rough texture of his shirt against his face rather than the softness of the pillow. He breathed in deeper, hitting that painful itch once again at the back of his throat. All of the feelings and sensations of these pains soothed him once again. 

From behind him, Ness stepped slightly closer. He stopped, then took another step, disrupting the silence with every one. Until finally, Kaiser felt the bed dip at its end and a weight pressing against his feet. Before he could say anything, Ness spoke instead. 

“It’s lonely being here by yourself. So I thought I might keep you company.”

“Don’t you have anyone else to be with?” Kaiser mumbled, filling his voice with as much spite and malice as he could. Anything to drive him away and leave him to suffer alone. 

“You’re the only one I need,” Ness said. He had a smile in his voice. “I’m happy as long as I can be with you.”

Kaiser did not say anything. Instead, he opened his eyes, and kept his gaze steady on the gray metal wall in front of him. He tried to focus on the painful sensation in his throat or the sickness’s heat flushing his face, but he couldn’t. Instead, he listened to Ness’s steady breathing. 

“I’ll go get some food from the cafeteria.”

Kaiser simply grunted. 

The door slid open and closed and the footsteps disappeared into the hall. Kaiser, once again left alone, only had the company of the silence now. The silence, dead as winter. 

The feeling of human warmth by his feet lingered. 

His body was so cold by comparison. 

[pinimi]

Armand orchestrated Madeleine’s death because she so easily outcunted him. Absolutely no effort just laughed him in the face at his questions “yeah I can live and be mentally stable for eternity. what, like it’s hard?” she said skill issue if you can’t handle killing as a vampire. Every night Armand has seven different existential crisis and Madeleine sleeps soundly without a shred of guilt WHILE ALSO looking dead drop gorgeous and being funnier than everyone around her. Armand had to take her out early. He never stood a chance

[hephaestuscrew]

The role of Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual in the characterisation, symbolism, and themes of Wolf 359

TL;DR: The DSSPPM is used as a tool to help establish and develop Minkowski and Eiffel as characters: Minkowski as a strict Commander who clings to the certainty provided by a rigid source of authority like the DSSPPM, and Eiffel as the anti-authority slacker who strongly objects to the idea that he ought to read the manual. The way their contrasting attitudes towards the DSSPPM manifest through the show reflect their character development and changing dynamic. The DSSPPM can be directly used against the protagonists by those with power over them, and the reveal of its authorship gives a particularly sinister edge to its regular presence in the show. But it can be also be repurposed and seen through an individual interpersonal lens.

Note: There’s plenty that you could say about the DSSPPM through the lens of what it says about Goddard Futuristics as an organisation, or about Pryce and Cutter as people. Or you could talk about Lambert quoting the DSSPPM an absurd number of times in Change of Mind, and Lovelace’s reactions to this. But in this essay, I’ll be analysing on mentions of the DSSPPM with a focus on Minkowski, Eiffel, and their dynamic.

“One of those mandatory mission training things”: the DSSPPM as a tool to establish characterisation

The first mention of Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual (the DSSPPM) in Wolf 359 is also the very first interaction we hear Eiffel and Minkowski have. In fact, the first time we hear Minkowski's voice at all is her telling Eiffel off for not having read the manual:

[Ep1 Succulent Rat-Killing Tar] MINKOWSKI Eiffel, did you read your copy of Pryce and Carter?  EIFFEL My copy of what?  MINKOWSKI Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual.  EIFFEL Was that one of those mandatory mission training things?  MINKOWSKI Yes.  EIFFEL In that case, yes, I definitely did.  MINKOWSKI Did you now? Because I happened to find your copy of the D.S.S.P.P.M. floating in the observation deck.  EIFFEL Oh?  MINKOWSKI Still in its plastic wrapping.

This is an effective way to establish their conflicting personalities right out of the gate. Minkowski's determination to "do things by the book - this book in fact" contrasts clearly with Eiffel's professed ignorance about and clear disregard for "this... Jimmy Carter thing”. Purely through their attitudes to this one book, they slot easily into clear archetypes which inevitably clash. Everything about Eiffel in that opening episode sets him up as a slacker who doesn't care about authority, but the image of his mandatory mission training manual floating in the observation deck "still in its plastic wrapping" provides a particularly striking illustration.

By contrast, we immediately encounter Minkowski as a strict leader who cares deeply about making sure everything is done according to protocol; the intense importance she places on the DSSPPM is one of the very first things we know about her. Her insistence on the importance of the survival manual might seem somewhat understandable at first, if perhaps unhelpfully aggressive, but it starts to feel less sensible as soon as we start to hear some of the tips from this manual:

Deep Space Survival Tip Number Five: Remain positive at all times. Maintain a cheerful attitude even in the face of adversity. Remember: when you are smiling the whole world smiles with you, but when you're crying you're in violation of fleet-wide morale codes and should report to your superior officer for disciplinary action.

The strange, controlling, vaguely sinister tone of some of the tips we hear in the first episode is largely played for laughs, emphasised by the exaggeratedly upbeat manner in which Hera reads them. But even these first few tips give us some initial suggestions that the powers behind this mission might not care all that much about the wellbeing of their crew members.

It says something about Minkowski that she places such faith and importance in a book which says things like "Failing to remain calm, could result in your grisly, gruesome death" and "when you're crying you're in violation of fleet-wide morale codes and should report to your superior officer for disciplinary action." (Foreshadowing the Hephaestus Station as the home of immense emotional repression and compartmentalising...) Having those kind of pressures and demands placed on her (and those around her) by people above her in the military hierarchy doesn’t unsettle Minkowski.

Eiffel groans and sighs as he listens to the tips, but Minkowski seems to see this manual as an essential source of wisdom. The main role the manual plays in this episode is to establish Minkowski and Eiffel as contrasting characters with very different approaches to authority and therefore a potential to clash.

When Minkowski demands that Eiffel reads the DSSPPM, he decides to get Hera to read it to him, asking her to keep this as “a 'just the two of us, totally secret, never tell Commander Minkowski' thing”. Eiffel seems convinced that Minkowski won't be happy with him listening to Hera read the DSSPPM rather than reading it himself. This suggests that (at least in Eiffel's interpretation) Minkowski’s orders are not just about her wanting him to know the contents of the manual, since this could theoretically be accomplished just as well by him listening to it. But she wants him to do things in what she’s deemed to be the correct way, to put in the right amount of effort, and not to take what she might see as a shortcut. It’s not just about the contents of the manual; it’s about the commitment to protocol that reading it represents.

“When in doubt: whip it out”: Hilbert’s use of the DSSPPM

In Season 1, the DSSPPM isn't purely associated with Minkowski. Hilbert actually quotes it more than she does in the first few episodes. In Ep2 Little Revolución, Hilbert's response to Eiffel's toothpaste protest is inspired by "Pryce and Carter six fourteen: “When in doubt, whip it out - ‘it’ being hydrochloric acid.”" This tip is absurd in a more direct obvious way than those we heard in Ep1. While this absurdity is partly for humour, it also casts further doubt on the usefulness of this supposedly authoritative survival manual, and therefore on the wisdom of trusting Command.

In Ep4 Cataracts and Hurricanoes, Hilbert starts to quote Tip #4 at Eiffel, who protests "I'm not gonna have one of the last things I hear be some crap from the survival manual". These moments again place Eiffel in clear opposition to the DSSPPM, but also suggest that Hilbert's attitude towards the DSSPPM - and therefore towards Command - is closer to Minkowski's than to Eiffel's.

When Hilbert turns on the Hephaestus crew in his Christmas mutiny, his allegiance to Command is revealed as dangerous. And here the DSSPPM comes up again. As Minkowski dissolves the door between her and Hilbert, she triumphantly echoes his own words back to him: "Pryce and Carter six fourteen: “When in doubt, whip it out - ‘it’ being hydrochloric acid.” Never. Fails." This provides a callback to a previous, more comedic conflict on the Hephaestus, and reminds the listener of a time when Minkowski and Hilbert were working together against Eiffel, in contrast to the current situation of Minkowski and Eiffel versus Hilbert. But it also shows that Minkowski, like Hilbert, is capable of using some of the more absurd DSSPPM tips to defeat an adversary. And it shows Minkowski leaning on those tips in a real moment of crisis.

Once Hilbert has betrayed the crew in order to follow orders from Command, we might look back on his quoting of the DSSPPM as casting the manual in a more sinister light, and again calling into question the wisdom of Minkowski placing such trust in it.

“It's not that I don't believe it, I'm just disgusted by it”: the DSSPPM as an indicator of a changing dynamic

The next mention of the DSSPPM is in Ep17 Bach to the Future:

MINKOWSKI Eiffel's been spot-testing me, Hera. He doesn't believe that I've memorized all of the survival tips in Pryce and Carter. EIFFEL It's not that I don't believe it, I'm just disgusted by it. I keep hoping to discover it's not true. MINKOWSKI Well, believe as little as you want, doesn't change the fact that I do know them. And so should you!

I think this provides an interesting illustration of the way in which Minkowski and Eiffel’s dynamic has developed since Ep1. They still have deeply contrasting attitudes to the DSSPPM, but this contrast is now a source of entertainment between them, rather than merely of conflict.

Given that Hera wasn’t aware of Eiffel testing Minkowski on the tips, we can guess that it’s a game they came up with while Hera was offline. In the midst of all the exhaustion and uncertainty and fear they were dealing with after Hilbert’s mutiny, this was a way they found to pass the time. It must have been Eiffel who suggested it; Minkowski cites his disbelief as the reason for the spot-testing. And yet she plays along, responding each time, even though this activity has no real productive value.

Minkowski is keen to demonstrate that she does know the tips and she emphasises that Eiffel ought to know them too, but their interactions about the DSSPPM in this episode have none of the genuine irritation and frustration that they displayed in Ep1. It feels almost playful and teasing. Eiffel still thinks Minkowski is "completely insane" for learning all the tips and is "disgusted" by her commitment to memorising them, but these comments feel much closer to joking about a friend's weird traits than to insulting a hated coworker's personality. It feels like something has shifted since Eiffel responded to Minkowski’s passion for the DSSPPM by saying “I'm so glad that your shrivelled husk of a dictator's heart is as warm as a decompression chamber”.

Another thing to note here is that Minkowski's respect for the DSSPPM has clearly survived Hilbert's Christmas mutiny and Minkowski's resulting distrust of Command. From Hilbert's behaviour at Christmas, it's clear that the crew's survival is not at the top of Command's priority list. But Minkowski still trusts the book that Command told her to read. She still thinks Eiffel should read it too. The main figures of authority above her are dangerous and untrustworthy, but she still clings to the source of guidance they provided her with.

It's also worth noting that Minkowski has not just learnt the advice in each of the 1001 tips, but she has memorised (nearly) all of them by number. If it was just about the information that the manual provides to inform responses to potentially life-or-death situations, then knowing the numbers wouldn't be necessary. Nor would it be particularly useful to know them all exactly word-for-word. Minkowski's reliance on the DSSPPM is again suggested to be about more than the potential practical use of its content. It's about showing that she is committed and disciplined and up to the task of leading. She does have some awareness of the strangeness of many of the tips, but this doesn't diminish the value of her adherence to the manual for her:

EIFFEL You're insane.  MINKOWSKI I'm disciplined. Although I will admit they do get more... esoteric as you go higher up the list.

There's only one tip Minkowski doesn't seem to remember, and that's revealing too:

EIFFEL 555? Minkowski DRAWS BREATH - and STOPS SHORT. [...] MINKOWSKI Hold on a second, I know this. (beat) Dammit. EIFFEL Hey, look at that! Looks like there may be hope for you yet. MINKOWSKI Quiet, Eiffel. Hera, what's D.S.S.P.P.M. 555? HERA "Good communication habits are key to continued subsistence. Be in touch with other crew members about shipboard activities. Interfacing about possible problems or dangers is the best way to anticipate and prevent them." This hangs in the air for a second. Then – EIFFEL So you forget the one tip in the entire manual that's actually helpful? MINKOWSKI Shut up.

Communication is a key theme of this show, so it’s interesting that this is the one tip Minkowski can’t remember, perhaps indicating an aspect of leadership and teamwork that she doesn’t always prioritise or find easy.

Eiffel saying “Looks like there may be hope for you yet” seems like just a throwaway teasing line, but it’s got a profound edge to it. A lot of Minkowski’s arc is about learning how to provide her own direction and support her crew outside of the systems of authority and hierarchy that she’s grown so attached to. So perhaps Eiffel is right to see a kind of hope in her failure to remember every single DSSPPM tip – she has the potential to break free of her reliance on external authority.

“Which one was 897, what was the exact phrasing of that Deep Space Survival Tip?”: the DSSPPM in interactions with Cutter

The Wolf 359 liveshow, Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol, is literally named after the manual. This suggests, before we’ve even heard/watched the episode, that the DSSPPM will be a key symbol here. Which is interesting because I'd say the liveshow has two main plot points: (a) Eiffel's failure to read the DSSPPM or follow orders in general, the resulting disruption to the mission, and his crewmates' frustration with this; and (b) the looming threat of Cutter, the necessity of keeping information from Command, and the risk of fatal mission termination.

Even without the knowledge that Cutter is one of the co-authors of the DSSPPM (which neither the Hephaestus crew nor a first-time listener knows at this point), there's a kind of irony in the contrast between these two plotlines. On the one hand, Minkowski repeatedly berates Eiffel for not having read Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual, which was made mandatory by Command. On the other hand, she is aware that Command in general - and Cutter specifically - represents the biggest threat to the safety and survival of her crew.

Cutter uses the DSSPPM against each of the Hephaestus crew in their one-on-one conversations with him. For Minkowski, he uses it as a way of emphasising the expectations and responsibility placed on her:

MINKOWSKI There are always gaps between expectation and reality, but-- CUTTER But it's our job as leaders to close that gap, isn't it? Pryce and Carter...? MINKOWSKI 414, yes. Yes, sir, I know.

Cutter knows that Minkowski will know those tips and he knows abiding by them is important to her. She's quick to demonstrate her knowledge of the DSSPPM and agree with the tip. There's something deeply sinister to me about Cutter's use of the word 'our' here. His phrasing includes them both as leaders who should be ensuring that things are exactly as expected. It’s almost a kind of flattery at her authority, but it comes with impossibly high expectations. This way of emphasising the importance and responsibilities of her role as Commander is a targeted strategy by Cutter at manipulating Minkowski, designed to appeal to her values.

In Hera's one-on-one, Cutter uses a DSSPPM tip to interpret her behaviour and claim that he can read her motives:

CUTTER This thing you're doing. Asking questions while you get your bearings. HERA Sir, I'm just curious about-- CUTTER Pryce and Carter 588: Shows of courtesy and polite queries are an efficient way to gain time necessary to strategize.

Unlike with Minkowski (or Eiffel), Cutter doesn't prompt Hera to demonstrate her knowledge of the manual. That wouldn't work as a power play against Hera, who would be able to recall the manual (or, rather, retrieve the file, however that distinction works within her memory) but who doesn't care about the DSSPPM like Minkowski does. Instead, Cutter implies that Hera’s behaviour can be predicted - or at the very least seen through - by the DSSPPM, which seems like a cruel attempt by Cutter at belittling her.

For Eiffel, Cutter uses the manual as a weapon in a different way again. He asks Eiffel, "which one was 897, what was the exact phrasing of that Deep Space Survival Tip?", something which Eiffel clearly doesn't know, but Cutter of course does. This puts Eiffel on the back foot, trying to defend and justify himself, allowing Cutter to emphasise his position of power yet again.

The DSSPPM plays a double role in the liveshow. On the one hand, as Minkowski reminds Eiffel, proper knowledge of the manual "would've saved [the crew] from these problems with the nav computer" – some of the tips can potentially save the crew a great deal of hassle, stress, and risk. On the other hand, the same manual is used by Cutter to manipulate, unsettle, and intimidate the crew. There are these two sides to the information given to the crew by Command - two sides to the manual which Minkowski still values.

In another duality for the DSSPM, the manual is sometimes used as a symbol of the relationship between the crew members and Command, and sometimes used to indicate the dynamics between the individual crew members, usually Minkowski and Eiffel. Before Cutter’s appearance in the liveshow, Minkowski and Eiffel’s discussions of the DSSPPM reflect interpersonal disagreements between two people with fundamentally different attitudes:

MINKOWSKI Oh come on, why do you think I keep trying to get you to go over these things? Do you think I enjoy going through them? EIFFEL Yes. MINKOWSKI Well, alright, I do. But this knowledge could save your life.

Minkowski enjoys rules, regulations, and certainty, for their own sake as much as for any practical usefulness. Eiffel very much does not. This is a simple clash of individuals, in which the link between the DSSPPM and Command is implicit. Minkowski doesn't seem to question the idea that the information in the DSSPPM is potentially life-saving, even though she knows Command don't care about their lives. But Cutter’s repeated references to the DSSPPM remind us who made that book a mandatory part of mission training – it certainly wasn’t Minkowski, even if she’s often the one attempting to enforce this rule.

At the end of the liveshow, in a desperate attempt to prevent mission termination, Eiffel promises Cutter that he will read the DSSPPM (the liveshow transcript notes that him saying this is "like pulling teeth"), an instance of the manual being used in negotiations between the Hephaestus crew and Command. All Minkowski’s orders weren’t enough to get Eiffel to read that book, but a genuine life-or-death threat might just about be enough. Perhaps it's ironic that Eiffel reads the survival manual out of a desire for survival, not because he thinks the contents of the book will help him survive, but because he’s grasping anything he can offer to buy the crew’s survival from those who created that same book.

In the final scene of the liveshow, Minkowski catches Eiffel reading the DSSPPM, and he fumbles to hide that he's been reading it, a humorous reversal of all the times that he's lied to her that he has read it. Perhaps admitting that he's reading it would be like letting Minkowski win. Minkowski seems to find both surprise and amusement in seeing Eiffel finally reading the manual, but she doesn't push him to admit it. There's some slightly smug but still friendly teasing in the way Minkowski says "were you now?" when Eiffel says that he was just reading something useful. In that final scene, the manual is viewed again through the lens of Minkowski and Eiffel’s dynamic – Command’s relation to the DSSPPM becomes secondary.

“The first thing I'd make damn sure was hard wired into anything that might end up in a situation like this one”: the DSSPPM as a tool of survival

In Ep30 Mayday, when Eiffel is stranded alone on Lovelace’s shuttle, he hallucinates Minkowski to bring him out of his helpless panic and force him into action. And this hallucination also brings with it one of Minkowski’s interests:

MINKOWSKI Eiffel... I worked on this shuttle. Reprogramming that console. EIFFEL So? How does that help – MINKOWSKI Think about it. BEAT. And then he gets it. EIFFEL Oh goddammit. MINKOWSKI What's the first thing that I would do when programming a flight computer? The first thing I'd make damn sure was hard wired into anything that might end up in a situation like this one? EIFFEL Pyrce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual.

Again, a conversation about the DSSPPM gives us an indication of the development of Minkowski and Eiffel’s relationship. Not only does Eiffel imagine Minkowski as a figure of (fairly aggressive) support when he’s stranded and alone, he thinks about what advice she’d give him and he follows it. Rather than dismissing the manual entirely, he looks for tips that are relevant to his situation. He’s not pleased about his hallucinated-Minkowski trying to get him to read the DSSPPM, but that was what his mind gave him in an almost hopeless situation. Some part of him now empathises with Minkowski’s priorities in a way that he definitely wasn’t doing in Ep1. He thinks that the DSSPPM might be on the shuttle because he knows the manual is important to Minkowski. It’s by imagining Minkowski that he gets himself to read the manual in order to see if it can help him survive – he certainly doesn’t think about what Cutter or anyone else from Command would tell him to do.

In the end, the tips Eiffel picks out aren’t all that helpful or informative: “Confront reality head-on”; “In an emergency, take stock of the tools at your disposal. Then take stock again. Restock. Repurpose. Reuse. Recycle."; and “"In times of trouble, an idle mind is your worst enemy”. But Eiffel does use these tips to structure his initial thinking about how to survive on Lovelace’s shuttle. In an almost entirely hopeless situation, Eiffel finds some value in the DSSPPM. But since the tips he picks out are mostly platitudes, the actual wisdom that allows him to survive all comes from his own mind; the tips, like his hallucinations, are just a tool he uses to externalise his process of figuring out what to do.

“Wasn't there something about this in the survival manual?”: Minkowski potentially moving away from the DSSPPM

Given the significance of the DSSPPM in Season 1 and 2 to Minkowski in particular, it feels notable when the manual isn’t referenced. Unless I've missed something (and please let me know if I have), Minkowski – the real one, not Eiffel’s hallucination - doesn't bring up the manual of her own accord at all in Seasons 3 or 4. This might make us wonder if she’s moved away from her trust in and reliance on that book provided by Command.

Perhaps the arrival of the SI-5, which highlights to Minkowski that the chain of command is not a good indicator of trustworthy authority, was the final straw. Or perhaps the apparent loss of Eiffel - and any subsequent questioning of her leadership approach, or realisations about the valuable perspective Eiffel provided - were what finally broke down her faith in that book.

Alternatively, perhaps Minkowski still trusts the DSSPPM as much as ever, but trying to get Eiffel or any of the other crew members to listen to it is a losing battle that she no longer sees as a priority. Either way, Minkowski’s apparent reluctance to bring up the DSSPPM feels like a shift in her approach. 

The associations between Minkowski and the DSSPPM are still there in Season 3, but they are raised by other characters, not by Minkowski herself. The manual is used to emphasise Eiffel’s difficulties when he’s put in charge of trying to get Maxwell and Hera to fill out a survey in Ep32 Controlled Demolition. Trying to force other people to be productive pushes Eiffel into some very uncharacteristic behaviour:

EIFFEL Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? It's like you've never even read Pryce and Carter! Tip #490 very clearly states that – He trails off. After a BEAT – HERA Officer Eiffel? MAXWELL You, uh, all right there? EIFFEL (the horror) What have I become? [...] Eiffel, now wrapped up in a blanket, is next to Lovelace. He is still very clearly shaken. EIFFEL ... and... it was like an episode of the Twilight Zone. I was slowly transforming into Commander Minkowski. [...] It was a nightmare! A terrifying, bureaucratic nightmare!

This is a funny role reversal, but it shows us the strength of Eiffel’s association between Minkowski and the DSSPPM, as well his extreme aversion to finding himself in a strict bureaucratic leadership position. It also suggests that becoming extremely frustrated when trying to get other people to do what you want might make anyone resort to relying on an external source of authority, such as the manual. I don’t know whether this experience helps Eiffel empathise with Minkowski, but perhaps it might give us some insight into how her need for authority and control in the leadership role she occupied might have reinforced her deference to the DSSPPM.

In Ep34, we get a suggestion of another character having a strong association between the DSSPPM and Minkowski. After the discovery of Funzo, Hera asks Minkowski what the manual says about it:

HERA Umm... I don't know if this is a good idea. Lieutenant, wasn't there something about this in the survival manual? MINKOWSKI Pryce and Carter 792: Of all the dangers that you will face in the void of space, nothing compares to the existential terror that is Funzo.

It’s interesting to me that Hera asks Minkowski here. We know from Ep1 that “Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual is among the files [Hera has] access to”. Two possible reasons occur to me for why Hera might ask Minkowski about the DSSPPM tip here. One possibility is that Hera thinks that retrieving the manual from her databanks and finding the correct tip would take her more time than it would take for Minkowski to just remember the tip. Which suggests interesting things about the nature of Hera’s memory, but also implies that - at least in Hera's view -Minkowski’s knowledge of the DSSPPM is more reliable than that of a supercomputer.

The other possibility is that Hera could have recalled the relevant DSSPPM tip incredibly quickly but she doesn’t want to, maybe because she resents having that manual in her head in the first place, or maybe because she wants to show respect for Minkowski’s knowledge as a Commander. Either way, we can see that Hera – like Eiffel – strongly associates Minkowski with the DSSPPM.

And Minkowski, even if she wasn’t the one to bring up the manual here, recalls the relevant tip immediately. Perhaps she is moving away from her trust in that manual, but everything that she learned as part of her old deference to the authority of Command is still there in her head. She might want to forget it by the end of the mission, but that’s not easily achieved. The way Minkowski’s friends/crewmates associate the manual with her emphasises the difficulty she’ll face if she tries to move away from it.

“One thousand and one pains in my ass”: The authorship of the DSSPPM

In Ep55 A Place for Everything, Eiffel effectively expresses his long-held dislike of the DSSPPM when he comes face-to-face with both of its authors:

EIFFEL What? What the hell are - wait a minute - Pryce? As in one thousand and one pains in my ass, Pryce? (sudden realization) Which... makes you...? MR. CUTTER (holding out his hand) W.S. Carter, pleased to meet you. 

It’s significant that the two ‘big bads’ of the whole series are the authors of the manual which Minkowski and Eiffel were bickering about all the way back in Ep1. It’s not the only way in which the message of this show positions itself firmly against just accepting externally imposed authority and hierarchy without question or evidence, but it does reinforce this ethos.

By being the authors of the manual, Cutter and Pryce have had a sinister hidden presence throughout the show. Long before we know who Pryce is and even before we hear Cutter’s name, their manual is there, occupying a prominent place in Minkowski’s motivations and priorities, and in her arguments with Eiffel. It’s not at all comparable to what Pryce put in Hera’s mind, but it is another way in which these antagonists have wormed their way into the heads of our protagonists.

Minkowski will have to come to terms with the fact that the 1001 tips she spent hours memorising and reciting were written by two people who would have killed her, her crew, and even the whole human race without hesitation if it served their purposes. We never get to hear Minkowski’s reaction to learning the identities of Pryce and Carter, but I think processing the role of their manual in her life will be a long and difficult road that’ll tie into a lot of other emotional processing she needs to do. Her assertion to Cutter that, without him, she is “Renée Minkowski... and that is more than enough to kick your ass!” feels like part of that journey. She doesn’t mention the DSSPPM at all in Season 4. She’s growing beyond it.

"Doug Eiffel's Deep Space Survival Guide": The DSSPPM as a weapon against those who wrote it

Last but not least, I couldn’t write about Eiffel and the DSSPPM without mentioning this scene from  Ep58 Quiet, Please:

EIFFEL As someone once told me: "Pryce and Carter 754: In an emergency, take stock of the tools at your disposal, then take stock again. Repurpose, reuse, recycle." And right now? You know what I got? I got this lighter from when Cutter was using me as his personal cabana boy. [...] and I've got myself this big, fat copy of the Deep Space Survival Manual, and you know what I'm gonna do with it? [...] Eiffel STRIKES THE LIGHTER. And LIGHTS THE BOOK ON FIRE, revealing Pryce just a few feet away from him! EIFFEL I am going to repurpose it... and reuse it... and recycle it into a GIANT FIREBALL OF DEATH! And he swings the flaming book forward, HITTING PRYCE ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD. [...] EIFFEL That's right! Doug Eiffel's Deep Space Survival Guide, B-

No one other than Doug Eiffel could pull off the chaotic energy of this moment. It doesn’t get much more anti-authority than lighting the mandatory mission manual on fire and using it as a weapon against one of its malevolent authors. It might not be the wisest move safety-wise, and it certainly doesn’t improve the situation when the node gets jettisoned into space. But there is still a powerful symbolism in taking a symbol of the hierarchical forces that have tried to constrain you for years and setting it alight to fight back against those forces. Eiffel takes his own approach to survival and puts his own name into the title, an assertion of his agency and rejection of Command's authority.

The DSSPPM tip that he uses here is one of those he considers when stranded on Lovelace’s shuttle. It’s understandable that after that experience it might have stuck in his memory.

I can’t help feeling that the line “as someone once told me” has a double meaning here. The immediate implication is to interpret “someone” as being Pryce and Cutter – it’s their manual after all – which makes this line a fairly effective ‘fuck you’ gesture, emphasising how Eiffel is using Pryce’s manual against her in both an abstract and a physical sense.

But I think “someone” could also mean Minkowski. Eiffel uses a singular rather than plural term, there’s already an association established between Minkowski and the DSSPPM, and, in Mayday, it’s his hallucination of Minkowski that gets him to read this tip. She's probably also recited this tip to him at other points as well. Under this interpretation, this line is as much a gesture of solidarity with Minkowski as it is a taunt to Pryce. I like the idea that these two interpretations can run alongside each other, reflecting the duality of the use of the DSSPPM that I talked about in relation to the liveshow.

Conclusion

The DSSPPM is a symbol of external rules imposed on people by those with power over them. These rules can be strange, arbitrary, and even sinister, but for those with a desire for certainty and control, like Minkowski, they can be tempting. And they can have their uses, as well as the potential to be repurposed. Attitudes towards these rules provide an effective shorthand as part of Minkowski and Eiffel’s characterisation. And the clash between these attitudes, and how that clash manifests, can tell us something about how the dynamic between those characters develops and changes.

[ohno-the-sun]

Oooo scene from chapter of fic I finally finished

Link to the first chapter here

And since they asked @enyter

[ohbo-ohno]

hello, happy october eve everyone!

just wanted to let you guys know that all 30 of my kinktober prompts are queued up for the month & i'll be cross-posting them on my ao3. they'll post at 7 a.m. my time (central time zone in america) everyday. fair warning - some of them are definitely better than others lmao, and most of them vary pretty drastically in terms of consent. cw's are listed before the drabble, so there shouldn't be any confusion there

each drabble is anywhere from 500 to 5,000 words and almost all of them are ghost x soap. hope you guys enjoy!!!

i'm using this prompt list and i'll be uploading the first chapter of my serial killer ghoap x reader au on the 31st in place of the free day

as always, let me know if something extra needs to be added to the tags before the fic! i was a little unsure of how to tag certain things without spoiling the drabble and some of them get pretty intense imo, so if i missed something send me a message or an ask and i'll fix it asap :)

all that said - happy reading! i hope you guys like what i've got for the month <3

[broccoli-bitching]

Writing Commissions - my friend will write you (almost) anything

A very close friend on mine Mx. Parsnips (disabled, transmasc, they/he, lesbian) has recently starting accepting writing commissions on fiverr (both sfw and ns/fw). They lost their job fairly recently due to their disability so right now he's accepting pretty much any and all writing requests you might have.

Having read his writing for many years I'll say that Parsnips is exceptionally talented. For me personally, I've always found thier characters to feel extremely life-like and the dialogue to just flow in a way I've not really seen anywhere else. It wouldn't shock me if they ended up getting published one day.

If you'd like to get an idea of how they write I would recommend checking out his completed Steddie fic Like a Rainbow in the Dark. It is exceptional work.

It'd be amazing if any of you could check them out or offer them a commission or even just reblog this post to get it shared more widely.

https://www.fiverr.com/s/BlQm6G

[7loveneverfails]

I might be planning some research to write a novel of the life of Elijah.

I might have a note on my phone....

[derrypubliclibrary]

now that its summer im Hoping to spend more time writing so . good news for the those of you who read my fics community

[nostalgia-tblr]

if god is real why do i have to mute the author of the oneshot collection not just the oneshot collection itself?

[nancywheeeler]

well the first 2 of 5 parts i outlined for this fic just clocked in at 20k so i guess look out for a 50k one-shot in the very near future

[saph-writes]

A Crumpled Red String Laced Around Our Throats - Chapter 5

ao3 link:

Words: 3801

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Chigiri froze. Panic started to set in but before he could do anything drastic or act in the moment, he realized that a few feet in front of them was a boy stepping into the forest. The boy could not have been more than 7 years old. 

The guard passed right by them and began reprimanding the child.

“No one is allowed in the forest.”

“B-but my ball got-”

SLAP

Chigiri sucked in a breath. Shock kept him frozen. He had never seen guards hit a townsperson before, even at the castle where the kids often misbehaved. But this guard did so with such confidence it was like he was used to it. He’s done this routine before. 

Chigiri’s hands trembled and tightened into a fist. 

The guard yelled in the kid’s face. “Do not talk back to me! You are a disgrace to your family. You may be too young to experience the consequences of your actions, but your parents will bear it for you. Come here.” The guard took the child’s hand and started dragging him out of the forest. The boy cried and tried to pull away from his heavy grip. 

Chigiri could hardly focus with the anger overflowing him. But just as he stepped forward to punch the guard’s face, his arm was pulled back. 

It was Kunigami. He shook his head. His expression was solemn, but in his eyes, there was a glimpse of fear. Chigiri bit his tongue and pulled his arm back.

The guard and the boy were already gone. And Chigiri couldn’t do a thing. 

They continue walking around the edge of the town. This town was very different compared to the one that was near the castle. The houses were less well-put together and there were a lot more guards around. The streets were crowded but unlike the festivity of the previous town, these people were hurriedly moving along to their destination, avoiding each other’s glances.

This is where Kunigami lived…, Chigiri thought. 

BANG

Screams erupted in the distance. Chigiri and Kunigami stopped as the ground beneath them trembled slightly. In the sky, dark black smoke rose into the blue color. 

Without a second thought, Chigiri bolted towards the noise. Since he had let go of Kunigami’s hand, he couldn’t see him but he heard his footsteps following closely behind him. When they finally arrived at the source of the commotion, guards already surrounded the area. The townspeople were panicking and running away, all screaming and yelling. In the center, the broken frame of a house laid half-destroyed. 

However, there was something else in the house. 

Something big and towering several feet above everyone else. 

It looked like a bear, but instead of fur it had disgusting green slime covered in dirt, leaves, and red liquid. Its eyes were small and entirely black. Its mouth wasn’t even a mouth, but a hole in its face where nothing could be seen inside it. It was rimmed with a dark liquid. 

It was a monster.

Fear immediately engulfed Chigiri’s mind. He quickly turned off the invisibility spell so that he could see Kunigami but when he did, he saw a similar look of terror on his face. He was frozen, staring directly at the beast. 

“Get back, everyone! Run to district 10!”

“Aim for the head!”

“Do whatever you can, just kill it!”

As the guards yelled at one another amidst the screams, Chigiri spied a young boy trying to run towards the house. A guard was holding him back, but he screamed and pushed him away.

“Mom! My mom is still in the house! Save her!” 

“Get back kid!” 

As he thrashed around, the guard hit the boy squarely in his neck. The boy collapsed into unconsciousness. 

His words were in vain because no one was looking inside the house. Only the monster, which stood silently in the middle of the rubble while spells were thrown right and left towards it. 

However, when Chigiri looked at the ground of the once-stable home, his heart stopped. There were splashes of red. 

To his horror, he sees a woman’s head rolling over. She didn’t even have a neck and her eyes were bulging out. It had been ripped off completely from her body.

Chigiri felt like he was going to be sick. 

He glanced over at the guards, who were struggling in the battle. Even though the monster was not attacking back, its large size made it far more difficult for the guards to handle. It was hardly budging. 

He could hardly think with the amount of thoughts rushing through his head. But no matter what, the idea of standing by without doing a thing made him even more restless. Even as fear caused his arms and legs to shake. 

Kunigami was still frozen in fear. Or rather, he is looking at the monster with his eyes wide and his arms close to his stomach. Chigiri quickly ran over and shook him back and forth.

“Kunigami!” 

Kunigami blinked and looked at Chigiri. 

��We need to help the guards!” Chigiri yelled. 

Kunigami was still in a daze, but he stepped back. His breaths were heavy but short.

“You can help but… what can I do..?” Kunigami placed his hands on his head. “I’m no help. I can’t be useful. How can I-?” 

Chigiri slammed his hands on Kunigami’s shoulders, causing him to jump. He pointed to the house. 

When he had seen the woman, he had also seen another body, this one still intact and moving. 

“There’s a girl in there trying to get away. I’ll take care of the monster and help the guards kill it. I’ll place an invisibility spell on you while you go help her. Hurry!” 

None of the guards had noticed the girl. When Kunigami spotted her, his expression of fear softened ever so slightly. He sucked in a breath and nodded. 

With another invisibility spell placed on him, Chigiri saw Kunigami disappear and heard his footsteps as he ran off. He then directed his focus to the guards and the monster before them. 

Instead of launching attacks, which may draw unwanted attention towards him, he hid behind a tree and whispered under his breath: power amplification. It was a complex spell, especially for applying to 10 guards, and one he had never performed before, even during his lessons. But he closed his eyes and simply prayed it would work. 

Luckily, the guards’ yells gave him an answer. 

“The monster is going down!”

“It’s getting hurt!”

“Don’t stop now! Bombard it until there is nothing left!”

The sounds of wind slashing the air and explosions hitting the monster’s body continued until a sudden BANG made it all stop. When Chigiri peered from behind the tree, he saw the monster collapsed on the floor. Its body heaved weakly. 

It had been successfully defeated.

Sounds of cheers and celebrations erupted from the guards, slapping one another. Chigiri looked to the side of the house. The girl was gone. Kunigami must have taken her away in time. 

Their focus was no longer on the monster, so Chigiri hid himself and walked up to it. He was invisible, but he was in an area hidden from their vision just in case. On the ground before him, the monster’s eyes were barely open. 

It looked almost peaceful, as if it hadn’t caused terror and destruction for the people of this town. 

“You can hear me right?”

From all that he has heard, monsters were sentient. They could act just like humans. But that was no reassurance. It only made it all worse. 

The monster blinked and its head rose slowly up towards Chigiri. 

Chigiri crouched down and spat in its face.

“You know, I hate this world too. All they care about is soulmarks and excuse their hate for anyone different as fear. But you…I hate your kind the most. You’re the reason the world is like this. Because if you didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have a reason to be scared.”

Chigiri raised a hand up. As he thought about the spell to use to finish it off, the monster closed its eyes and its head started to turn white. It was dissolving and disappearing into the air. A few short minutes later, the monster disappeared completely, like it was never there at all. 

Coward.

Chigiri ran back to the forest before any of the guards could see him. He snapped his fingers to undo all the spells he did and looked around for Kunigami. 

Damn it, why didn’t we agree on a meeting spot before? 

Eventually, he found them right behind the destroyed house, a few yards into the forest. The little girl was crying on the floor and Kunigami was crouched down with her, talking in a low gentle voice. 

“You’re not hurt, are you? Don’t worry, it will all be okay.” 

Chigiri had never seen Kunigami act like that before. 

“Kunigami!” Chigiri ran up to them. “What happened? Is she injured?”

He shook his head. “No. Just some scrapes.” 

Chigiri crouched down to look at the girl at eye-level. “Are you okay? What happened? How did your house get attacked?”

“Chigiri-!”

The girl looked down at the floor, tears still in her eyes. When she spoke, her voice still shook violently like the child she was. “Daddy came back…he was gone for a long time and he came back…yesterday.”

She sniffled.

“We were happy…Mommy and me but…when I woke up… I heard bad noises. Then…” She blubbered and began to wail again. 

Kunigami and Chigiri looked at each other. They shared a look of shock and disbelief. 

The image of the head of the woman he saw rolling on the ground flashed in Chigiri’s mind.  

He picked her up and held her in his arms while she sobbed on his shoulder. She was surprisingly light. “Shh…don’t cry.” He rubbed her back. “Do you know any adults? Any family that can take care of you?”

“...Auntie. They always…were so nice to me…”

Chigiri nodded. “Alright. Take us to Auntie then. Do you know where she lives?”

The girl nodded.

“Let’s go,” he mumbled. But when he started to walk, he stopped. He turned around to see Kunigami staring at the floor with a dazed look. 

“Kunigami?”

“Huh?”

“Come on.”

“Oh. Okay…” 

As they walked away from the forest, Chigiri looked over to the guards still celebrating. They did not glance over once at the destroyed house, nor at the body of the woman. 

In response, he squeezed the girl in his arms a little tighter. 

The household of the girl’s relative was a good distance away, as they walked away from the deserted neighborhood of the attack to the lively area of houses where kids ran in every direction. In this street, there were vendors and food markets set up. Guards still guarded the area, but there was significantly less. Likely because of the monster attack that drew them all away. 

The girl had calmed down enough to be able to look around her surroundings. All of a sudden, she gasped and shook around excitedly.

Chigiri struggled. “Hey, you’re going to fall-!”

“There’s auntie!”

Kunigami, who was walking right beside him, stopped in his tracks. 

Chigiri looked up at where the girl was pointing at. Just a few feet away was a woman standing in front of a house, watering plants outside. She had short hair and a taller frame. Her hair was also orange, just like…

Chigiri glanced at Kunigami. Kunigami’s eyes were wide and his mouth was wide open. 

“Auntie!”

Damn it.

In a split moment’s decision, he put a hand over the girl’s mouth and pulled her and Kunigami into the forest, between two other houses. He ran until he could no longer see the town clearly between the trees. He snapped his fingers, undoing the invisibility spell. 

“Listen.” Chigiri placed the girl on the floor and put his hands on her shoulders. “Don’t tell them about us. Tell them that your house got attacked and you came running for them.”

Chigiri was not good at talking to children, admittedly. It’s not like his voice could go gentle and soft like Kunigami or that he had the tact of Hiumi. But regardless, he remembered the servant kids of the castle and how Hiumi spoke to them to make them understand. He had to try anyway. 

“We might get in very big trouble with the big bad guards if you tell them, okay?”

To his relief, the girl nodded. The light had returned to her eyes and she ran off back into the town. 

Chigiri sighed. 

He looked behind him. Kunigami was crouched down, with his head in his knees. Chigiri bit his lip and walked up to him. 

“You’re going to stay balled up forever?”

Kunigami didn’t respond. Chigiri sighed and crouched down next to him. He laid his head on his shoulder. “If you want, we can leave.”

Kunigami didn’t say anything once again. 

“She’s pretty. Who is she?”

“...My mom.” 

“Your mom, huh. Great genes you have.” 

“...”

“Do you want to leave?”

Kunigami tightens his fist. They sat in silence.

“She was smiling.”

“What?”

“Over there. She was watering the vegetables outside. She was humming and smiling to herself.”

Kunigami shook his head in his arms. 

“How can she still be smiling…?” His voice broke and trailed off. 

Chigiri’s heart tightened in his chest. What can he say? What can he possibly say to someone forced to see everything they had lost? They are only here because of Chigiri’s own demand after all. 

But even so, the words, I’m sorry, stopped halfway up his throat. It didn’t feel right either. 

“I’m sure she misses you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Maybe. But I’d never forgive them if they didn’t.” 

Because he still wanted to see Kunigami smile without hurt. Maybe that was his own selfish wish, but one he refused to give up. 

Kunigami's head rose up slightly and Chigiri could now see his eyes. They were red and puffy, but his eyebrows were wrinkled together. 

“I’m scared. But… I want to see them. No matter what happens, I want to see them.” 

Chigiri smiled. “That’s the spirit.” 

The two went over to Kunigami's old house. They had an invisibility spell cloaking them from sight and peered in one of the windows. The house is extremely small, much smaller than anything Chigiri had ever seen. In it, the little girl from before was being consolidated by the woman Kunigami said to be his mom. Two other girls were in the household, one that looked older than Kunigami and another that appeared younger. The younger girl was playing by herself while the older one was cooking. 

“Those are..?”

“My sisters.” 

They couldn’t hear anything, but the younger sister ran up to the girl and the mother. She showed her toys to the girl, which made her laugh. The mother let her go and the two ran off to play together.

“She’s always been like that. Excited and energetic,” Kunigami said. His voice sounded fond and full of nostalgia. 

Kunigami’s mom smiled at the two of them and walked out of the home. Chigiri took Kunigami’s hand and ran over to see her, even though Kunigami had to be partially dragged along. 

She finished watering the vegetables and headed for the side of the house. 

The two of them panicked and ran into the bushes, away from the path she was walking towards where they were standing.

“I think she’s going behind the house…” Chigiri whispered. He felt the sweat on Kunigami’s hand and squeezed it, and the two of them nodded at each other.

They followed after her to where she was headed. To their surprise, her destination was located in the forest. 

She did not go very far in. Just a few steps in and she stopped in front of a tree stump, where there was a pile of dirt and some flowers. In her hands, Chigiri realized, was a stick that she lit and set on the dirt. The smoke poured up into the sky. 

She got on her knees and placed her hands together. For a long time, she sat exactly like that.

“She’s praying… maybe for the girl?” Chigiri wondered out loud. Kunigami did not say anything. 

The mom finally looked up and took out the stick. However, she stopped and plucked out the flower as well. 

“It’s been five years already, hasn’t it?”

They stopped. Unlike Kunigami’s view, Chigiri could see part of her face, including her smile and the tear dripping down. 

“I’m sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me. May the Gods grant you the happiness I could never give you.”

A crow cawed in the distance. 

“I love you, Rensuke.” 

~

On the way back to the castle, Kunigami remained silent. He stayed behind where Chigiri walked, holding his hand but looking down at the ground. 

Kunigami’s mind was in a frenzy. He could hardly think. So he stared at the grass beneath them, counting flowers they came across in the lonely forest. Occasionally, tears dripped to the ground. But they came and went, like the ocean’s tides on the shore. 

He finally said something halfway through the journey on the second day, when the sun was high in the sky. 

“When I got killed in the forest by the soldiers, I overheard something they said.” 

Kunigami took long pauses between his sentences as he readied himself. Thankfully, Chigiri was patient enough to stay quiet for his sake. 

“They said that I wasn’t a person anymore. Not a son, not a boy. Because of that, I should be killed. It was my parents’ request.

“I didn’t want to believe it. Because my mom said she loved me. But as I was dying, I heard her voice. She said that if I died, they would be happier. That I was being punished. She said I deserved it.”

Kunigami sucked a breath in. The two had stopped walking. 

“For five years, all I’ve wondered was if that really was her voice. And if it was true that she wanted me dead because of that. I thought that by staying alive, I was hurting her and my family. But all of that was in my head. I believed this voice in my head I thought was her and it became my reason for all this guilt. I felt guilty for being alive. I thought I should never experience happiness, only hurt and despair. That I only live to be punished.”

Kunigami felt like he should be crying, but he wasn’t. Instead of gasping for air, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, allowing him to breathe again. 

“But that was never true. She never wanted me to be punished. She only wanted me to be happy. All this time, she just wanted me to be happy.”

So instead he smiled. He allowed himself to smile. 

“I never would have known if you hadn’t brought me there to see my family. Thank you, Chigiri. For making me realize something so important.”

“...”

“Chigiri…?”

To Kunigami’s surprise, he felt himself pulled into an embrace. Chigiri’s arms wrapped around him, along with a warmth that pressed itself into Kunigami's chest. He didn’t know how to respond. His arms were left raised in the air while his heart threatened to burst out of his chest.

“Chigiri?! Hey-!”

“You’re going to let yourself be happy now, right? That also means letting people care about you.” His voice got quieter and he pulled him closer. “So I don’t ever want to hear you putting yourself down again, okay?” 

Oh…that’s right. Chigiri also gets worried, Kunigami thought. All this time, he thought about his family and how they would feel about him being happy, but he had rarely considered Chigiri’s feelings. I’m such a terrible-

Kunigami stopped himself. He looked down at where Chigiri was hugging him and bit his tongue. 

Chigiri does not think of him as a terrible person. So he shouldn’t either. His feelings of guilt and inferiority are hard to suddenly make go away, but they do not have to define him. They are not reality.

Reality is here, where Chigiri never makes him feel alone and his family still remembers him as their son, not a monster. Where happiness is not a reward but a right. These thoughts in his head hold no power here. As long as he holds this belief, he can let go of the control they have over him. 

Kunigami hesitated but slowly, he hugged Chigiri back. Not as a leap to a new direction, but a step. A small step, but a step nonetheless. 

~

When they returned, it was the night of the second day back. Sirens blared in the distance. Kunigami, concerned, looked back at Chigiri, who was already preparing another spell.

“Are you sure you won’t be in trouble?”

“No. Since the sirens just now started sounding, they probably only recently realized I’ve been gone. In other words, they did not realize I had been missing for four days. Idiots. It’ll just be like any other time.” 

Chigiri smirked and winked at Kunigami. “I’ll be fine. Just be careful going back, the guards might go in a bit further this time.” 

Kunigami nodded. “Okay.”

“See you later!” Chigiri waved while running away, already disappearing from the spell. Kunigami waved back weakly. 

However, despite his warning, Kunigami did not leave their clearing. Instead, he sat on the floor, behind on the tree stump. He leaned his head back and stared up at the night sky.

Tonight, there was no moon. Just stars endlessly dotting the dark night. 

His breaths were slow and heavy. He had not realized how exhausted he was from days of walking. It was probably amplified by the fact that he did not transform once after that time in the lake. Now, he was reaping the consequences. 

His body ached horribly. Dirt and mud covered his legs and torso. His clothes were torn and ragged. 

But he didn’t care. His mind was still stuck back at his old hometown, where they witnessed a monster attack firsthand. 

The townspeople running and screaming to get away and the splatters of blood on the beast. The wailing of a young girl who lost her home to it. 

He moved so that he was on his knees. Then, he brought his hands together in front of him and leaned his head forward until it almost touched the ground. 

The position was unfamiliar, but somehow comfortable at the same time. 

“Please. Don’t let me hurt him.”

The warmth of Chigiri’s hug lingered on his body. 

“Please, kill me before I ever get the chance to hurt him.” 

[walkingstackofbooks]

The trouble with writing is you have to write everything, not just the fun parts that are plaguing your brain 😅

[slusheeduck]

Call me Alexander Hamilton for the way I'm writing like TOMORROW WON'T ARRIVE, WRITE DAY AND NIGHT LIKE YOU NEED IT TO SURVIVE, HOW DO YOU WRITE EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ALIVE EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ALIVE EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ALIVE

[oikasugayama]

heyy!!! oh my god i don't want to be annoying or anything but i just can't get the akutagawa fic out of my mind-- 😭😭

so recently, i re-read it - for the fourth time (⁠・⁠_⁠・⁠;⁠) - and i wanted to ask a question about the conversation that takes place at the dinner with the akutagawa siblings and some other PM members, especifically the one where gin says that we wouldnt recognize akutagawa if we saw him truly drunk

soooo- i was wondering if we'll ever get to find out how he is when he gets drunk fr, and I also just wanted to know how the fic was going in general

I hope you're taking care of yourself, resting and taking breaks when writing, have a great day!!(⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠³⁠˘⁠)⁠♥

( and sorry for any mistakes english isn't my first language (⁠-⁠_⁠-⁠;⁠) )

OMG four times????? you're insane and incredible and i'm so happy to have someone who likes what i made this much. im honored <333

I didn't have a plan of putting super drunk akutagawa in the fic in the future but hey, maybe i will now just for you ;)

i had a really shitty day at work but i wrote a few hundred words of a date scene yesterday, and i'm just now sitting down to write some more today! I'm excited about where the fic is going even though it's a bit troublesome weaving some of these plot threads together

also your english seems flawless to me, i wish i was that good at an extra language ;-;

[samderella]

Living with my in-laws after evacuating from a hurricane be like

I appreciate you love and want to spend time with me, but if you don't let me hide in the guest bedroom and write nonsense for five uninterrupted hours, I will scream

[flower-sniffing-friend]

how do people write long scenes, i can't get mine over 600 words 😭