#the last 1000 have been a whole slog though

[walkingstackofbooks]

The trouble with writing is you have to write everything, not just the fun parts that are plaguing your brain 😅

[djpurple3]

if you're still up for those ts prompts, i had this anxeit idea where Virge comes down after the new video, and Dee is there. The other panic, because "how the hell do we explain this to him" But baby V is sleep deprived, caffeine deprived, and has just had a very anxiety filled day, so instead of going to his spot normally he just, flops into Dee's arms, snuggles a bit, and kisses him a bit while hell breaks lose around them. Could also work with analogical if anxiet makes you unconfortable

---

ok im going to do my best –im not 1000% I understand it but I do like the vibe. So im getting ‘forbidden lovers anxceit and virgil is too tired to hide it anymore after janus gets accepted’ out of this. Which sounds dope. And oh dude I positively adore anxceit!! and thank you for the prompt

---

Janus was always an early riser. Virgil was not. It meant that their time was evening time, though in a perfect world, Virgil would absolutely love waking up next to Janus as well. However, they were yet to figure out a way to lie their way out of Janus leaving Virgil’s room in the morning, or vice versa, so generally, there was 100% less cuddles than Virgil would like. That was okay for now, but oh, the novelty was wearing thin.

Virgil had been told by Roman that they were confronting the whole ‘wedding’ fiasco the night before, and Virgil had told the prince not to expect him there. His nerves were still absolutely shot from the last five debates they’d had over it (and ‘debates’ was a very soft way of describing it), and honestly, all he wanted was to get some good sleep – which was always about 3/5ths easier and 5/5ths more enjoyable with Janus. Which he really hadn’t had the chance to do yet. For a while. So when Virgil slogged his way downstairs at 2pm the next day, exhausted and jittery and hoping everyone wouldn’t be at each others’ throats, he was pleasantly surprised to find Logan, Patton and Deceit all relaxing on the couch.

They were all sitting and chatting, with tea and a nature documentary of some kind playing in the background. Roman was at the dining table, drawing, and had headphones on and a deep frown etched onto his face, like he was pointedly ignoring both them and his own emotions. Virgil stopped at the bottom of the stairs, it having taken him that long to realise his boyfriend was here, interacting with his family with surprising ease. Logan noticed him first, offering a terse greeting as his eyes flicked between the purple-clad and the yellow-clad sides, as if expecting hackles to be raised immediately. Patton closely followed, his tone forcefully bright but his eyes shining with worry. Janus turned, as he was closest to the stairs and had had his back to Virgil. They stared at each other for a moment, before Virgil spoke.

“So. How much of the cat is out of the bag?”

This wasn’t the question everyone was expecting. Logan and Patton glanced at each other in confusion as Janus rubbed his hands together nervously.

“About half,” Janus mumbled, glancing up at Virgil with an awkward, worried smile. “I joined the coming-out club, name and all.”

“Congrats, then,” Virgil said, trying to hold onto the bitter edge he knew the others expected, but god, he was too tired for this, he really was. He wandered over, and leant on the armrest with the hint of mischief glinting in his eyes, mostly overtaken by his exhausted longing to just be in Janus’ arms, stat. “Can we let the other part out too, or you holding onto that?”

Janus’ eyes lit up, before they flicked towards the others. Namely Roman, Virgil noticed, who had lifted his head and was watching closely. Janus’ lips pressed into a line, but he smiled.

“Whatever you want,” he said earnestly, and he crossed his fingers – which was Deceit’s silent telling to Virgil that he really was being honest (because they both enjoyed irony in healthy doses). “I’m happy either way.”

Virgil took a breath, before letting it out in a huge sigh of relief.

“Thank god,” he huffed, and he turned on his heel and let himself fall dramatically into Janus’ arms, who immediately started giggling. “I think I was about to fuckin’ implode if we had to keep this up any longer, Jan.”

Janus brushed Virgil’s hair out of his eyes with absolutely unmistakeable tenderness as Logan’s eyes widened and Patton let out a small squeak of surprise. Virgil raised an eyebrow at Janus, and gripped his collar loosely, in silent question.

Janus smiled, and let himself be pulled down for a kiss.

There was several spluttering sounds from all across the room, to varying degrees of severity as Virgil released his boyfriend, before kicking off his shoes and snuggling into Deceit’s side with a satisfied hum.

“God, I missed this,” he said, quietly, but not quiet enough to be unheard.

Janus’ eyes flicked up to Virgil’s family, who were all staring at him with various, intense looks of shock, before putting his arm around Virgil and resting his head against his boyfriend’s. Virgil noticed that Janus’ grip was light and unsure, but Virgil took his other hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Tomorrow, Virgil would freak out about this. Today, he was just hungry to be in his snake boy’s arms, and possibly actually get some sleep there, too.

“Do you like Antarctica?” Janus asked softly, ending the chance for anyone to blurt questions. “We’re watching March of the Penguins.”

Virgil threw up a peace sign.

“Penguins are fuckin’ dope,” he agreed, as enthusiastically as his sleep-deprived ass could handle. “Hit me with some Antarctica facts.”

And, well, that was that.

[1000-directions]

Fic Author Tag Game

tagged by @shatteredhourglass thank you ryan!!!

AO3 name: 1000_directions (underscore instead of hyphen, YES it makes me upset that they don’t match!!!!)

Fandoms: currently, just marvel (specifically mcu + matt fraction’s hawkeye). previously, one direction. previously previously, popslash. i was always very heavily into rpf before joining the marvel fandom, and i have really, really enjoyed getting to write about fictional characters.

Number of fics: 77 on ao3. 52 in mcu, 34 in 1d. (wait but that totals more than 77. oh sweet summer child, have you never heard of #ship 1d with superheroes 2k18?)

1. Fic you spent the most time on: i started writing lucky5 in november of 2018 and it is still extremely not done, so...that’s the one that’s been cooking away the longest, although i haven’t added anything to it in about a year. i spent about two months working on my winterhawk reverse big bang, see a little light, after i tossed out the original draft that i spent like a month working on. writing for the big bang was intense. i was so lucky to be paired up with cb, who was the most wonderful and encouraging ever, but it was still a slog the whole way through, even though i really love the story that came from it.

2. Fic you spent the least time on: i have a lot of one-night wonders, most of which took a few hours. i wrote middles, 800 words of endings beginnings fic, in about 45 minutes, but i’d spent days writing it in my head before that.

3. Longest fic: dust to dust, the third installment in the luckyverse, which is just 22k of bucky learning about self-care and going to the farmer’s market and dancing in his kitchen. i still really, really love that story.

4. Shortest fic: i have 6 little ficlets under 1000 words

5. Most hits: only you know me the way you know me, my one and only stucky fic, the most popular pairing i have ever attempted to write. if you like shifting power dynamics and small penises, i gotchu babe!

6. Most kudos: ever fallen in love with someone (winterhawk punks in love)

7. Most comment threads: same as above!

8. Fave fic you wrote: i’m really proud of (do you know who you are?), because it feels very different from anything else i’ve ever written. it has more plot (sort of), it’s not established relationship, it’s kind of angsty and fucked up in a way i don’t normally explore. it was fun to see that i was capable of stepping so far outside my comfort zone. i also really liked save your first and last chance for me because i think i played with the winterhawk relationship in a way i normally don’t. i normally keep things very soft and safe, but this is a little more dysfunctional and desperate. and on the other end of the spectrum, the one where clint fell into a pond is so filthy and i love how shameless and dirty it is.

9. Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: i don’t currently feel very compelled to expand on anything! right now, to the extent that i feel creative at all, i prefer a headspace where i am exploring something brand new instead of feeling beholden things that i’ve already done. i’m sure this will change!

10. Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea that you’re planning:

“So, they’re definitely attached,” Bruce is saying. He’s referring to the three tentacles coming out of Bucky’s left shoulder socket. Clint knows that they’re technically octopus arms, not tentacles. He’s been corrected on this point enough times to know. But it’s still hard to look at that weird triplet undulation of flesh and think of it as an arm. They’re each about six feet long and white and almost elegant looking, and there are three of them where Bucky’s left arm used to be, and Clint feels sick just looking at the picture.

“How are they attached?” Tony asks tersely. “Are they sutured? Wired? Can they be removed?”

“They’ve fused with his body,” Bruce says. “I don’t know how. But there’s no obvious seam, no scarring. They look like they’ve always been there.”

“They haven’t always been there,” Steve says angrily. “They weren’t there.”

Clint truly doesn’t know how Steve can even bear it, sitting through these briefings while they debate the fate of his best friend, who was lost and tortured for decades while Steve never even knew he was still around. Clint doesn’t even know the guy, and he still feels a little ashamed of himself for not rescuing him sooner.

“They’re there now,” Bruce says, “and they’re not coming off easy. I mean, if he wants them off, we’ll figure it out, but it’s way too invasive to do without his consent.”

“That being said,” Tony says cooly, “he murdered my parents, so I don’t think vivisection is entirely off the table.”

tagging...... @tintedglasses @kangofu-cb @saysthemagpie @dearmrsawyer @flawedamythyst @captn-sara-holmes @queerindeed @ferryboatpeak@bigbrotherlouis @dinoflangellate SORRY if any of these are double-tags, y’all are hard to keep track of

[ayakashiramblings]

If you came out - Dawn Faction

In celebration of Pride month (that is about to end and I lost track of everything because of work, ughh...), this is dedicated to everyone who wants to love! 

Disclaimer though: I am a straight, cis girl so while I can write this based on my friend’s opinions, I won’t be able to fully capture the whole scope of being in the LGBTQ+ community. I am also a bad writer by nature, LOL. That said, if I have written anything harmful, please let me know so that I can correct it. 

Also, this is technically in the Taisho era so like... I don’t know the history of Japan well enough. Plus, I can’t cover the whole spectrum here, I was hoping to do more with the other groups after gauging the reception here, LMAO.

Finally, Yura sucks for being too perfect.

Koga Kitamikado 

His sweetheart is bisexual. And by the way? Very scared of telling him.

She has been dumped faster than burning coal all because it seems like MC would cheat with not just one but two other parties.

AND has also been hurled with accusations of not making up her mind and stringing people along so easily without a hint of remorse.

But he’s the second-most supportive man here. (We’ll get to the first later)

You, ever-the-intellectual knowing that, hit it for Russia when you thought you saw your ex-girlfriend and Koga turned his back on you for 10 seconds to tend to Masanobu’s new watch chain. 

Fear does crazy things.

He and Kuya found you in 27 minutes, sobbing into an empty tub of ice-cream you stole from the tengu as your only food supply and frankly, the only item you brought along.

Even Kuya found it pathetic enough to leave you and Koga alone at the random bar.

Everything was pounding. Your head, people taking shots, and leaving with the resounding slam of the doors. 

Again, and again, and again.

Yet, Koga was still there, letting you nurse your head against his burly shoulders and stroking your hair away from your face to look you in your bloodshot eyes.

His steady gaze returned some semblance of composure to your drunken mind.

"It's always been hard to look away from you... especially if I think you are troubled by something or someone."

Yup, that’s right. He has had his suspicions.

“Are youz gonna break up witz me...?”

“HELL NO!”

Ok so his calm mien was finally broken by that whispered question and his Japanese bellow had certainly garnered attention until he glared at the other patrons.

His control only returned when he said this.

“If they didn’t love you being bisexual, they didn’t love you. Period.”

... This is the first time you have ever heard of the term. Heck, you had always been too shy to ask Ginnojo for books on the topic but WOW KOGA KNEW? HOW?

You didn’t even know if that was the right term, how the heck did he even find it in the Taisho era of all eras?!

Boy was fully prepared to smother you with all his affections with just the hint that you haven’t been properly cared for.

“Lady Luck was on your side so many times. But here’s the thing; I knew you could love and have loved people. Not sides.”

“I would like to be on your side and your loved one now, in the next 1000 years and beyond.”

That night, you had celebrated coming out and being strong with the strongest man, vodka and of course, hangover in your life.

Kuya

Trans male who actually sees Kuya making an effort beyond wraith-fighting.

You lucky boy! He is a bit confused at first but not dismissive. Anything involving you and your happiness is serious business to him. 

Takes some time getting used to the shift in pronouns, but the one in 2892019280923092 chances that he messes up, he will always apologize with ordering whatever you want from the Milk Hall.

Now you wished he would mess up more. 

When he is too lazy to buy paper, he just writes on whatever scars you have from your gender reassignment (if you go for it... wait, did they have it back then?) or the marks left from your binder that would have made you self-conscious once upon a time.

And he keeps doing it on each new mark as you slowly transition.

One day, you decided to buy the most classy paper a writer could ever hope for. One that would ensure no bleeding, feathering, and basically ‘The Dream Paper’.

All he did was give a smile and thank you before dipping a feather... and writing on the 273rd scar.

“But why?”

“I need to write the 273rd page of my boyfriend’s strength.”

Yura

You are a trans female, that has been practising her coming-out-speech on forest animals...

... that you knew would know Yura.

You were so scared about seemingly leading others on and deceiving others. Every time some discovered any secret part of yours that you had hidden, suddenly EVERYTHING was exposed.

“Oh, my lady...”

“I am ever so delighted! You came out to me first AGAIN!”

... So it turns out, your past self was also trans. And Yura had been the proudest friend you had confided in first.

His part is so short because guess what? He is a perfect man. I seriously don’t think you would need to worry about him.

We just need him to be our boyfriend soon!!!

Ginnojo

Asexual acing everything but sitting down with the bae and talking about it. 

Not that you have to, only if you are comfortable. 

And you were super comfortable honestly. Maybe the whole quiet patrol at the park had lured you into a false sense of security.

... Into giggling at poor Ginnojo blushing at some shameless couples. 

Seems like the birds, the bees and make-out sessions were in season. 

“Can we agree to never do that?”

“Of course.”

“Like, ever? Like forever never?”

“Er, yes?”

“Like really no smashing of bodies also?”

“.... No? Wait, why are you asking? Come, let’s sit over there.”

This is probably the most Ginnojo has ever talked but you are so ecstatic that he can take it all in and without you feeling flustered over the occasional ramblings mixed in with serious explanations. 

Checks the boundaries established like the following;

If you don’t mind him occasionally finding you sexually attractive, especially considering you are one of the few women he interacts.

Promises on telling when to stop.

Getting sexual relief from outsiders (No surprise that he shoots the whole premise down. Ginnojo without you, it wouldn’t be him to the ayakashi)

Kisses and the art of cuddling.

Ultimately though, he just needs 2 things and that would be enough. 

“I want to love you like a book. Let me hold the pages and move with you when your story tells me to until the end.”

“And in return, I’ll share my cover with you to spread around any corner of the world you want.”

Aoi

Lesbian that chose to come out to the right ayakashi... but at the worst place possible.

To be fair, you had tried your best in luring him to sketch at a discrete, isolated place.

You had even pictured the scenario, which later turned to be a screenplay of all the disasters and worst reactions that could arise from the even the simplest, vaguest confessions.

Had Aoi known of this whole script, he would have probably said it was the writing Kuya could only dream about having.

It’s just that the Golden Week makes the Milk Hall super packed for once.

So there you were, with the milkshake that should have brought an annoyed satori seer over and scolding you for remaining with the probably-spoiled drink.

And everything snaps. His pen snaps, your straw snaps, you snap.

“What, I’m a spoilt milk bottle because I’m swinging the cap the other way? HUH?!”

By some miracle, Oji was too busy flirting with the onslaught of female customers and the aforementioned group was too preoccupied with giggling at that dork.

Aoi had heard everything though. You knew he had heard everything... so why wasn’t he responding?

Then you heard it, the girliest of giggles.

And the sweetest grin you have seen in the world.

Again, you couldn't blame Koga for mistaking him for a cute girl cus dayum...

Loving a man or woman, his tsundere mind and mouth finally cooperate to say the exact same thing.

That you are a lovable dork who had been the very muse for the painting he has been slogging over.

A whole triptych.

The first one was of you at the river, grabbing the rock to seemingly skip across the water. It was undeniably warm and set at dusk. So the transition to the next frame was jarring but somehow familiar.

The second depicted you walking away with the random stone, and being largely ignored by others and nearly engulfed in the darkness between you and the rest of the crowd.

And finally the last was someone's hand sharing the stone with yours. Curiously, it was only inked and without any palette.

“The only thing they all need is your colours, whatever you have chosen and wanted. I want to see them when you want to show me her.”

And you did, spending his 1-hour break just using all the paint supplies that you could find together.

[ruthandliamgoplaces]

Trekking begins!

Currently on Day 5 of the Annapurna Circuit and having a very wet and cold “rest day” which officially began at 10.00 after having walked for two hours from our last accommodation. Good wifi, warm, and little walking to do... So, time for a blog post!

The “Road”

When we decided to do the Annapurna Circuit (a 130 mile walk around the foothills of the Annapurna mountains) we were well aware it was Nepal’s second most popular trek after the Everest Base Camp Trek, and was rumoured on the internet and beyond to be very crowded, and also quite spoiled by a busy new road which had either obliterated or ran near to the trekking trail. Consequently we were expecting hoards of people akin to the Lakes on a Bank Holiday Monday walking down a dusty Nepali style motorway.

Five days in, this has not been our experience! The “road” looks more like a typical UK Forestry Trail, and is only accessible by motorbike or jeep- we count maybe one or two an hour. Also, it is very rare you have to walk along the road as usually the path avoids it. Liam pointed out that even walking along the road was one of the most beautiful walks he had ever done!

Many people have criticised the road for spoiling the walk and bemoan the development of the area. For this reason, many people skip out the first sections of the Circuit and get a Jeep to higher sections (ironically driving on the troublesome item in question). Liam and I are completionists and wanted to have the full experience, so have chosen to walk the whole Circuit. And, we are very glad that we have done so!

Whilst the road must be very different to the original trails, it has helped develop the area to benefit a lot of Nepali people. Many Nepalese people wanted the road- others didn’t of course. We were pleased to walk through the areas many choose not to, as we wanted to face the perceived negative aspects of trekking. We didn’t want to skip out the road sections and pretend there wasn’t now a road. The road is a consequence of trekking and we wanted to acknowledge that.

Indeed, we were extremely glad of “the road” yesterday when we could avoid the path which had become a slippery death trap. We chose to walk quickly and more safely to the next town... although even on the road we had to Ford a river which was caused by a nice mountain lightening storm road waterfall. We survived though Liam took a souvenir of a boot full of water!

Roads can be exciting too.

Teahouse Life

We’ve been very much enjoying staying in teahouses on the Annapurna Circuit. Unlike walks we usually do in then UK which involve camping outside, on this walk you stay each evening in a lovely teahouse. Most are basic, you get two single beds in a small wooden room and a communal Asian style squat toilet and cold shower. Many of them so far even have a jenky gas powered communal hot shower and very slow WiFi. In the bigger towns you can have more luxury if you want- maybe homes made out of concrete and your own bathroom.

You stay in the tea-houses for a very small sum, or even for free, as long as you eat all your meals at your teahouse. The food has been delicious! We’ve been eating a lot of curry, Tibetan Bread and fried rice. Basically carbs surrounded by carbs. Essential fuel for the hills!

The rumours of the teahouses being overrun have also proved false- we have barely seen any other trekkers! It may be busier up higher as many of the trekkers start past the road now. It may also be quiet because of the bad weather and because two of the mountain passes have been closed. Either way, it’s been nice to feel like we’ve got the trek to ourselves a lot of the time!

A wander up high

Our most wonderful day so far has been when we decided to take a long seven hour route over to the next village rather than walk quickly in two hours on the road (ha!).

It was a glorious day (I can’t imagine that was even possible with the weather that is currently flexing around us) and we ascended over 1000 metres and descended nearly the same as we walked up and down the hillside to take in two villages and a spectacular view.

I’ve walked in mountains before but some of the ascents and descents were punishing. We were reminded of Frodo in Mordor as we walked up “stair cases” using our hands as well as our feet. Endless switchbacks of rock stairs with seemingly no end in the baking sunshine!

At the top, when we were beginning to doubt the end would arrive, we met a Nepalese man walking up the same staircase/ladder wearing suit trousers, a shirt and office shoes. He was a school teacher using the same path we were to get to a school in the next village to invigilate at exam at their primary school! He was very impressed with us (as we were him) and wanted to try to lift our bags, talk to us about football and take our photo. We were happy to oblige and we walked the final stairs with him and had a quick rest at his school.

After getting lost and a few painful, unnecessary but ultimately rewarding ascents later, we came back down and were stopped by a small group of locals who invited us to take some rest with them in their garden. The head of the family, a man in his 50s, provided us with some upturned metal drums and asked his wife to make us tea. He had little English but we managed to have a conversation of sorts- mainly establishing that he didn’t like Thailand and thought England was a good country. He found Liam’s beard very amusing and insisted on touching Liam to see how muscly he was. He took great delight in showing Liam that he had bigger biceps than him.

He then decorated Liam’s cap with some local fauna - we still aren’t certain why - but think maybe he was giving Liam some hair as he found baldness interesting also. Whatever he was doing, everyone found it hilarious, and we were very happy to provide entertainment in exchange for the shade, the tea and the conversation.

After a gruelling and soul destroying descent we were stopped by yet another Nepalese man near the bottom and invited to sit down, which of course we did. He wanted to know how old we were, how much our shoes cost and if we were married. After providing him with this information he offered us a bottle of coke and then told us he would never forget us! It boosted our spirits high enough to make it to the lovely village of Jagat for a good rest and sleep.

Rain

We had been so spoiled and not realised it- and we had even been cursing the heat. Our fourth day brought us rain! It started well enough, having breakfast and good conversation with a lovely American man (who worked as a Yosemite Park Ranger!!!), and walking quickly to the next town. Today was meant to be our rest day after the previous exhausting ascents and descents, but we failed miserably at resting and ended up having the longest day yet!

Half way through the day, it clouded over and started to rain. Innocent at first, it ended up being a torrential never ending downpour complete with thunder booming around the valley and frequent flashes of lightening. I kept eying the cliffs and river banks warily knowing that landslides can be common with heavy rain. We sloshed and slogged our way through, regretting not having our rest day, and ended up utterly soaked at a small town with a very basic teahouse. For the first time I longed for heating, thick fluffy duvets, a bath and warm dry clean clothes. Instead, I had to accept the reality of a dirty squat toilet, no shower, and a mouldy dusty room.

It wasn’t all bad, the mattress was comfy, the food delicious and most importantly, it kept us dry!

Ever since yesterday afternoon, it’s been raining, we have been slightly damp and unable to dry our clothes. In the mountains above us, the rain is of course, snow. This means that the high pass we aim to cross later in the walk is now under several feet of snow and has been closed! The snow line is now about 2200 metres rather than the usual 4800 for this time of year. If we get some good weather, it may melt, but the unseasonal storms may prevent us from completing the circuit! This is of course entirely usual in mountain weather- anything can happen in the Himalaya!

As Liam has just read in his book about Everest, the mountains decide! We are going to carry on walking and see what happens. We’ve checked the forecast and it looks like two good weather days. Many people try to do this walk in 10-15 days, but we have enough money and time for 40. If it means lazing in teahouses reading books and sheltering in the rain, so be it!

... the barking dogs of Kathmandu seem a long way away. Now I lay here listening to the rain on the tin roof of the teahouse, the jingle of mules making their way down the mountain and the roar of the raging waterfall behind us.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 306

GUYS THEY’RE FINALLY BACK TOGETHER AND THE WHOLE POINT OF WATCHING THIS DAMN SHOW IS ACTUALLY ON MY TV AGAIN!

Like I feel like I’ve been waiting for this episode since the end of season one. I didn’t get sucked into the show because of the adventures du jour. I got sucked in because of the relationship between Jamie and Claire. Their intimacy. The intimacy they had even before the wedding. Yes, shenanigans need to happen around them or it’d just be a bunch of fluff, but watching how they go through the shenanigans *together* was kind of the whole point for me.

And the beginning of this season was obviously supposed to make the reunion feel earned, but with the lack of story on Claire’s side, it really kind of felt like a chore to slog through it at times.

But! This episode really was a great reminder of why I’ve stuck with the show with one glaring exception which I’m still salty about but not at all surprised by, and I *really* hope that they’re not going to treat it as a one and done.

Like in season one no matter what else was going on in the episodes, time was spent on building Jamie and Claire’s relationship before they got together and then time was spent figuring out what kind of couple they were going to be. *pretends the search doesn’t exist* Season two started with them dealing with Jamie’s rape, which it should have, but then when they came back together it was for like *a minute* before they basically then just started fighting over “saving” Frank. And then they lost Faith but the show skipped over them coming back together after that. Like suddenly they were just all ok and happy again, but literally for only one scene before going off to war. The investment in their relationship was put on the back burner and I think the show suffered because of it.

So now they’re *finally* back together and I *really* hope that this episode is just the jumping off point for showing them rebuilding their life together. Yes, I’m very much aware that they can’t spend every episode in a room together in various stages of undress. I’m not asking for that. I’m just hoping that the show goes back to the way they did things in season one. Where yes, stuff is happening and shenanigans ensue, but their relationship is still regularly given the attention it needs.

Anywho, that got longer than I meant it to... Sorry... Rambling nonsense and pterodactyl screeches are under the cut.

Apparently Jamie inherited his mother’s curse of having literally everyone fall in love with him or lust after him. Like are they trying to make it that Mme Jeanne is super into Jamie or something?

The music from Lallybroch as Jamie walks to work gives me life but also kind of makes me sad. Like he’s built a life for himself! He has his shop! He has shenanigans with Fergus! He’s content! But at the same time he’s living under a different name and his home at Lallybroch is no longer his home...

Although I’m glad I’m not the only one in this fandom who went straight to Beauty and the Beast as he’s walking through the street, tipping his hat to literally everyone. *group high five*

Him like polishing the sign with a finger and then being like nope, gotta go full arm makes me smile.

How did Hayes not get transported? Like it’s def the same dude from Ardsmuir, so how is he not in the Colonies with everyone else? Whatever. Not important... Treason is the point here, haha.

Geordie looks like Young Simon Fraser/Lovat so much it’s mildly distracting. And tbh, as much as he has a stick up his ass, I def feel him on wanting to know the required morning duties in advance.

Hai Bonnie! Who’s a good press. You are!

Ok holding the sheet up like that in the title card is cheesy? Idk. The second sheet just lying there worked for me though? But who cares. It’s a fucking title card. Moving on.

OMG SHE’S REAL AND HE’S REAL AND THEY’RE REAL IN THE SAME PLACE AND OMG GROUP HUG BECAUSE IT’S FINALLY HAPPENINGGG!

I wasn’t really a fan of the alepot thing in the book? Like it’s already awkward without Jamie needing to take off his pants? 

OK BUT THEIR FACES THROUGH THIS WHOLE BIT WITH HIM LOOKING AT HER RING AND HER TELLING HIM HOW SHE NEVER TOOK IT OFF, I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Asking if he can kiss her is my favorite. Except them kissing. That’s really my favorite. But consent, y’all. It’s sexy af.

BEAR WHY DON’T YOU MURDER ME WITH THE SWELL OF THEIR THEME YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD.

Jamie, this is a beautiful monologue, but she def touched you at Culloden. They literally had her touch him in ep. 301. But whatever, it was a vision, you can’t feel a vision. This isn’t the point. The point is OMG THEY’RE TOGETHER AND REALLY THERE AND MAKING OUT AND AHHHHHH.

Ok, I’m 1000% blanking. Was the “don’t be afraid, there’s the two of us now” line in the show before this? I can’t remember. Or is it just a thing for book people that we’re supposed to just accept was at some point a thing between them off-screen in the show? I’m really asking.

Oops, that distracted me from squeeing over how they like remember all their whatever the word is for an in-joke that’s not a joke and is actually something really romantic. Because squeee!

In Geordie’s spare time, he’s part of Edinburgh’s recreational cockblocking league. We’ll meet some of his teammates later on in the episode. No one really likes them. They’re basically the worst.

“Our child?” “Our daughter?” *has feelings*

LOOK HOW HAPPY CLAIRE IS TO TELL JAMIE ABOUT BREE! LOOK AT HER! SHE’S FUCKING BEAMING! SHE’S FUCKING GLOWING RIGHT THERE! I CANNOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SAW FUCKING CLAIRE LOOKING THAT FUCKING HAPPY. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING SIGHT.

Ok but them being insecure about aging is fucking adorable and I love them so fucking much.

Ok so the pictures. I’m a bit torn about this sequence...

I hated that Jamie tells Claire he doesn’t like Bree’s name in the book and I hate that that’s his first reaction here. Like seriously, dude? This is your child. The child you sent your wife away to save. The child she raised without you because you made her go. And the first thing you’re going to tell Claire after she shows you the photos is that she picked an awful name? Wtf. I don’t care if he’s kidding around or whatever. It’s a fucking weird thing to say.

I *do* love that he brings up Faith and calls her Bree’s sister. Because she is and he hasn’t forgotten her and neither has Claire because how could they and it makes me want to hug them both.

“You’re a doctor now?” “Surgeon.” “You always were one. Now you have the title to go wi’ it.” Yaaas. I will always and forever love how much Jamie appreciates and respects Claire’s skills.

Ok for real they should have just cut the dog. I get it’s in the book. And they forced it into that other episode just so they could have it in the pictures. But like it seems like a weird, super not important thing to go out of their way to include? But whatever, who cares.

So the Willie stuff. I’m glad they’re getting it out of the way now. It always seemed super weird that Jamie never told Claire until almost the end of the book and it was weird that LJG was the one to tell her first. But the way they did it doesn’t work well for me. Like yes. Tell her up front. Tell her when you’re talking about your children. That makes sense. But the way they have it play just doesn’t work.

Like the whole time he’s looking at the photos of Bree, his child with the woman he loves more than anything, the child they were separated to save, he keeps his strong emotions in check. Like he’s clearly moved, dumbass comment about her name aside, but he’s restrained. And then he’s talking about Willie and he like becomes so animated and excited. Like I get that this is one of the only times he’s been able to talk openly about Willie being his son. And to share how much he loves him. But it definitely makes the two of them talking about Bree seem shortchanged.

I kind of wish he’d given Claire the gift of knowing that Willie was conceived under coercion or at least that it was a one time thing. Like no need to get into all the details, but just saying he’s a bastard doesn’t provide much context. Especially for someone whose husband had a longterm affair. Which he doesn’t know, but still...

Maybe they’re playing it this way so that in ep. 308 or whenever Claire finds out about Laoghaire and her girls, the Willie stuff might come back around in their fight? Maybe? Bueller? Guess we’ll find out in two weeks...

Same with how it was for Claire to be with Frank all those years? Like in this initial convo she gives the most watered down, BS description of her life with him so maybe that’ll come back around too? Because they didn’t really “make it work”? He was terrible to her and treated her like shit and she just endured it for the sake of Bree?

Really I’m just looking forward to that damn fight. Because they need to have the fight to get into the meaty work of coming back together.

HAI FERGUS! Fergus got hot. Fergus knows he got hot. It’s somehow endearing.

I’m so fucking glad they changed the hook to a wooden hand. So. Fucking. Glad.

This scene really makes me wish that we’d gotten something of Claire missing Fergus during her half of things in the earlier episodes. Like my kingdom for a scene of Claire telling Bree about her French Scottish pickpocket brother. I know technically Bree knows about Fergus because Claire told her the whole story, but like, they expanded that relationship so much last year that I wish he had come up at some point. *forces self to stop dwelling on my general dislike of how Claire’s story was handled*

They really doubled down on the book’s already not-at-all subtle foreshadowing that Jamie’s already married...

Wouldn’t Claire have given some thought to explaining where she’d been before she went back? Like she definitely knew if she found Jamie, she’d probably be running into some of the other people she knew also? Whatever. Wherever they said she ended up, it’s always going to be weird because like how would she have known where to find Jamie?

It kinda bugs me, and by kinda I mean it really bugs me, that Claire starts to say Randall when she’s introducing herself to Willoughby. Like yes, that’s the name she went by for the last 20 years. And she’s in the habit of saying it. But she literally just went back in time and found her husband and is like in the midst of a very emotional time where she is very aware of the identity she’s actively reclaiming. It would have worked better for me if she’d started to say Fraser. Like she’s excited she *finally* gets to say that again only to have Jamie cut her off and that leading to the same questions she has as it plays out now, but with like the added layer of emotion that comes with not being able to use the name she’s wanted to use for so long.

I’m cautiously optimistic about Willoughby? Like fuck him for cheating the hooker out of her money, but he can be a garbage person without being a racist caricature?

Cool so now we have treason, questionable marital status and smuggling drama for Jamie. Seems like plenty to set up the shit that’s going to hit the fan next week without a certain scene they decided to end the episode with...

Ok but with Jamie’s face and Willoughby’s grin, it’s super obvious he didn’t *just* say honorable wife, implying again that something’s up with Claire’s status as Jamie’s wife. But I’m glad they changed it to Chinese because the first wife thing in the book was like so on the nose that it was weird Claire never asked why he kept saying that.

For real though. They’re not being subtle at all...

I love that Claire calls him Yi Tien Cho as she says goodbye though. Yay for treating him like an actual person and not “Jamie’s pet” as he’s literally described in the book.

This introduction to the brothel is very Game of Thrones-y in terms of the randos banging everywhere.

I didn’t like Mme Jeanne being a bitch to Claire in the book and I’m not a fan of it here. Like the lady clearly has the hots for Jamie or whatever they decided to do for the show, but we already have one person who’s terrible to Claire because she wants Jamie and that person is about to come back so do we really need another? And I know that it’s partly so that Claire feels insecure or whatever and questions Jamie, but like I feel like the fact that he’s on friendly terms with Mme Jeanne and has a room in the brothel accomplishes the same thing well enough? Maybe it’s just me...

For real though the sex sounds from the other rooms is a bit much. Like we get it, show. It’s a brothel. And these two want to bang but they’re still a little awkward. The noises are more distracting than anything.

Ok but the look of like pain on Claire’s face when Jamie says he doesn’t know why she came back and then reduces (maybe the wrong word, but close enough) her to just the mother of his child. Like bro, it’s an important question. I know you want and deserve to know the answer. But I do feel for Claire a bit in how he chooses to word it.

“So I took a chance.” Understatement of the centuries, Claire.

Throw her a bone, Jamie! She took an impossible leap! Give her something!

Claire’s “do you want me to go?” breaks my heart a little. Like I 1000% know what Jamie’s getting at and why he wants and needs to know why Claire came back. But I really do feel for Claire here. She made the choice to risk everything to find him, and Jamie knows what it cost her. (*cough Bree cough* Remember her? You literally just looked at pictures of her.) Maybe lead with the fact that you’ve burned for her for so long, dude? And then bring up the knowing each other less now than at your wedding? Because it *is* a valid observation...

I know that basically everything in this room is like verbatim from the book, but I do kind of wish some of it had been tweaked.

BUT WHATEVER BECAUSE THEY’RE TOGETHER AGAIN.

OK BUT THE FLIRTY WAY CLAIRE SAYS THAT SHE MIGHT BE A HORRIBLE PERSON MAKES ME FEEL THINGS. LIKE SHE SPENT SO LONG BEING TREATED LIKE AND TOLD THAT SHE WAS ONE BUT HERE WITH JAMIE SHE KNOWS SHE ISN’T AND SHE’S JOKING AND SHE’S HAPPY AND SHE’S GETTING WHAT SHE’S DREAMED ABOUT FOR SO LONG AND I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU CLAIRE. ILY, LADY.

The recreational cockblocking league really should be disbanded. I feel like there are better options for extracurricular activities out there.

OK BUT JAMIE’S FACE WHEN HE LOCKS THE DOOR AND CLAIRE’S FACE WHEN JAMIE LOCKS THE DOOR. YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT, GUYS, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE THE SECKS.

You know what would be better than this voiceover? Not this voiceover. I get that they wanted the parallel to the wedding voiceover about getting to know their new spouses for the first time, but I’m just not a fan of the majority of the voiceovers and was kind of hoping they were not going to use them as much this year...

I like the parallel to the wedding with them talking first, I just could have done with more actual talking and less VO about talking.

Also like Claire, we know you’re both thinking about banging. There’s no reason to VO the fact that you’re thinking about it.

OK BUT THE SASSY LITTLE WAY SHE PULLS OFF HIS STOCK OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED. HERE. FOR. IT.

AND SHE OPENS HIS SHIRT LIKE SHE DID IN EP. 103 WHEN SHE WAS CHECKING HIS WOUND AND IT WAS HOT AF THERE AND IT’S HOT AF HERE.

AND HIM PULLING OFF HER SCARF THINGY AND IT GOES DOWN HER FRONT LIKE THE RIBBON DID IN THE WEDDING WHEN HE UNTIED HER LITTLE CHOKER THINGY.

MY KINGDOM FOR ONCE THEY’RE LIKE COMFORTABLY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN AND IT’S NOT LIKE 20 YEARS OF EMOTION BUILT UP FOR JAMIE TO JUST LOVE ZIPPING AND UNZIPPING CLAIRE’S CORSET THINGY AND HER LIKE PLAYFULLY SMACKING HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD.

THIS IS AWKWARD AND ADORABLE AND I LOVE IT AND YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL, CLAIRE.

Ok they held hands in the wedding episode at one point right before Claire cockblocked herself by asking about Jamie’s family, but the stuff about touching making things easier wasn’t actually in there, right? It’s just another book thing they’re putting in that we need to pretend happened off-screen? Which is fine, I’m just trying to keep the book and the show straight...

“Do you want me know?” “Oh, God, yes.” SO SAY WE ALL.

The subtitles say [both breathing heavily] and OMG SAME, SUBTITLES, SAME.

I KNOW IT’S FROM THE BOOK BUT I LOVE THEM BUMPING HEADS AND GIGGLING AND JAMIE KISSING HER ON THE NOSE AND THE LITTLE NOSE KISS IS MY EVERYTHING AND GUYS I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW AND ALL OF THEM ARE WONDERFUL.

“Do it now. And don’t be gentle.” OK BUT THIS IS LIKE THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE 18 YEARS THAT CLAIRE IS WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T HER HAND AND SHE’S CALLING THE SHOTS AND YOU GET YOURS, CLAIRE. YAAAS.

Unpopular opinion, but I’ve never really been a fan of the “give me your mouth” line.

BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE THEY JUST DID THE SECKS. THEY JUST DID THE SECKS, GUYS!

GUYS THEY GET TO CUDDLE AND BE CUTE AND TOUCH EACH OTHER AND KISS AND BE SILLY. MY SKIN IS CLEAR AND MY CROPS ARE THRIVING.

Can we do a kickstarter for a NSFW webseries about learning new vocabulary? Or is that only cute with these two?

I CANNOT WITH ALL OF THEIR LITTLE KISSES AND CLAIRE JUST LIKE LOUNGING ON HIM AND HIM LIKE STROKING HER BACK AND I AM DED. I AM THOROUGHLY DECEASED.

Cool that we’re establishing all of this stuff about Jamie’s current situation with the law. So we know all of the stakes and shit already. So maybe there’s no fucking need to end the episode how they did just to get a cliffhanger.

“To find you again... And to lose you.” Like he has to know that he’s basically lying by omission about being married, right? Like Jamie isn’t perfect. If he was he’d be boring. He doesn’t tell Claire about Laoghaire because he’s scared to lose her again. Which I get, but like how did he think it was going to play out? He knows/fears how it’ll play out and we know that from this line. I’m not saying I wish he’d done anything differently. Because that’d be cramming too much into the episode and iron out a flaw that leads to one of my favorite parts of the book...

OK BUT I LOVE ROUND TWO BECAUSE LIKE OMG THEY JUST NEED TO BE TOUCHING EACH OTHER AND JUST BEING WITH EACH OTHER AND GUYS THEY’RE TOGETHER AGAIN AND I JUST WANT TO HUG THEM BOTH EXCEPT LATER BECAUSE I AM NOT PART OF THE RECREATIONAL COCKBLOCKING LEAGUE BECAUSE I’M NOT A MONSTER.

LOOK AT THESE BABIES FALLING ASLEEP ALL CUDDLY AND ADORABLE AND I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

“Maybe I’m a ghost.” Don’t get cute, show...

CASUAL WITH THE HAND SECKS WHILE RECALLING A CONVO THAT INVOLVED HAND SECKS THE FIRST TIME. I’M OK.

Thanks, Claire Bear, for not wanting to burst this perfect little bubble. We can definitely wait to hear about who Jamie may have gone to in blind need. No need to sully this episode with anything like that.

And high fives for understanding the difference between sex and love and yet omg I can’t wait for everything to blow up because they’re both human and emotions are messy and then for things to get better again in a wicked real way.

Ok is the recreational cockblocking league’s season over yet? Can’t Jamie ever finish his full English breakfast without someone trying to interrupt him? Wtf.

Lady boner for Claire’s little salute.

Lady boner for Jamie saying Jell-O.

I’m trash for Claire calling Jamie soldier. Sorry not sorry.

And I love that it’s the same fucking shot of her very satisfied face as ep. 110.

Perfect Young Ian is perfect. And so is his pause before “woman.”

Glad they clear it up right away that Claire’s his aunt.

“Do you live in a dun?” Are you being sassy, Ian? Or are you legit asking about fairies? Please tell me you’re being sassy. (Either way, I love show!Young Ian.)

“Very please to meet you, Uncle Jamie’s wife.” I LOVE YOU, YOU AWKWARD GOOBER WHO IS APPARENTLY VERY BAD AT HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU’RE PROCESSING INFORMATION THAT WILL BECOME RELEVANT SOON.

Ok, tbh, I would have been fine if they ended the episode with Young Ian leaving. Like awesome. Set up Jamie and Claire cautiously and optimistically back together. Set up Jamie’s various things that can come up and pop their little bubble of innocent bliss. Reintroduced the Murrays. Cool. Done. End it. Roll the credits. Great ending is great.

Except...

I don’t love the whore’s brunch like some people do, but while I don’t think it’s necessary it is nice to see Claire interacting with the community around her. Like to see how at ease she is with these women even though they have nothing in common. Except, you know, having had sex the night before.

Nice little coda. Cool. Done. End it. Roll the credits. Ok ending is ok.

Except...

Ok I hate the last scene with my whole heart. Hate. It.

Why the fuck did they include this? Why the fuck couldn’t they just end the fucking episode on a hopeful note. With all the other shit like the treason and smuggling and questions about Jamie’s past few years all nice and set up so we know not everything will be smooth sailing?

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yes, in the book there’s a dude who shows up and manhandles Claire and thinks she’s a whore and flicks her boob while telling her there’s a reward in the form of a percentage of the seized contraband that’s being smuggled through the brothel. And I was hoping they’d change that in the show to like dial it back to just like him menacing over her or something instead of actually grabbing her and touching her boob. Because do we really need more sexual assault? No.

But apparently this fucking show thinks we do.

“Maybe if I fuck you, it’ll jar your memory.” *grabs Claire by the throat* Yep. Instead of even just sticking to the fucking book, they fucking take it up five notches.

Fuck whoever decided to end the episode like this. Fuuuuck them.

And don’t give me any bullshit like “oh it was needed to set up the next episode!” or “oh, but the 18th century is so dangerous, that’s just how things are!” No. Fuuuck that.

Not everything needs to be a fucking cliffhanger.

WE DO NOT NEED ANY MORE FUCKING ATTEMPTED RAPES.

We spent fucking two season with everyone and their brother getting raped and sexually assaulted. Claire knows it’s fucking dangerous. Claire has been assaulted more times than I care to count at the moment. She doesn’t need to fucking get nearly raped *again* within like fucking two days of being back in the past.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON MAKING ME HATE YOU.

But hey. They’re back together again. Woot.

Ok I tried, guys. I really did. But I really don’t care for the majority of A. Malcolm. Consider this a one time only sober!Der gets honest about Outlander...

I watched the episode four times. Not because I loved it, but because I thought watching it more would help me convince myself that I loved it. I watched it twice the night it came out, but I figured I was just like missing something because it was late and I was drunk and maybe it was actually really awesome? So I spent the next day reblogging smutty gifsets at the regatta I was working, thinking that would get me excited to go home and watch it again. And I did watch it again, and was like oh I must still be missing something because I’m sleep deprived and have been day-drinking. So I livetweeted and posted a recap with what I though were the requisite amount of squees and shouty caps so I wouldn’t be The Girl Who Didn’t Like The Reunion. Because I’m always the downer fan. And this was *The Episode*. So clearly I was just watching it wrong and I shouldn’t rain on everyone’s fangirl parade.

But I watched it again yesterday after work, sober and rested, and tried to watch it just as an episode and not like comparing it to the books or over-analyzing it or anything. And yeah, apparently I wasn’t watching it wrong. I just don’t care for a lot of it. So if I were to have written my 100% honest take on it without worrying about being a buzzkill, this would have been it:

I hate how they played Mme Jeanne. It was like they were forcing it and it just didn’t work for me. Seeing Jamie’s day before Claire shows up? Sure, ok, I’ll sit through it because I know what’s coming. But it should have been the only sidequest of the episode. And then Claire shows up and instead of getting sucked in and emotionally invested, I’m stuck watching Jamie take off his pants for no reason. It’s already awkward, there’s no need for that. And then they’re like oh hey remember this motto/catchphrase thing we shared that never happened on screen? Instead of playing like “aw, that’s sweet,” it just took me out of the moment because I was like “wait, when did that happen?” instead of being swept along. Like, there’s a difference between referencing something that happened off screen and doing what’s supposed to be a deliberate callback to a meaningful thing when that meaningful thing was never established. And then they’re interrupted for the first of what seemed like a fuckton of unnecessary times because lol nothing matters.

The scene with the pictures was just terrible. You can’t have Jamie basically be stoic while looking at the pictures of his daughter he sent away his wife to save, shit on the name his wife gave her and then wax poetic about how cool his other kid is. Wtf. I’m all for having him bring up Willie, but they completely fucked up the execution. Jamie barely showing emotion about Bree and then fangirling over Willie seems out of character and cruel to both Claire and Bree.

They needed to move locations so I was fine with meeting Fergus en route, but even that didn’t work as they played it. They built up the Claire and Fergus relationship so much last year but I felt like nothing at their reunion. It was a quick like oh where have you been? Oh cool. Btw, I need to talk business with Jamie. Because clearly that takes precedence over letting the emotional beat of a mother and son seeing each other for the first time in 20 years land. It just felt wicked rushed. I wish they had skipped everything at The World’s End. We already know Jamie’s doing treasonous stuff from the cold open and he’ll give Claire more details on his illegal activities and their potential consequences later in the episode. We didn’t need to meet Willoughby in this episode or the shady dude in the basement.

So then they get to the brothel and Jamie just like immediately starts interrogating Claire. Basically my biggest issue with the first half of the episode is Jamie. Like, can he at least pretend to be happy to see Claire? I get the shock and disbelief and stuff, but jfc dude. It’s like he doesn’t even want her there. They doubled down on his secret and it, for me, sort of ruined his half of their reunion. Like Claire has told him what going through the stones was like for her (we hear him ask her about it in ep. 111), and she literally just gave up her entire life and modern society to come back in time. Plus she left *their daughter* to come find him. I don’t know how many other fucking big red signs you need to tell you why she’s there, Jamie. Stop being an idiot. Like yes, he can and should be vulnerable. He can want to be sure she knows that he’s changed and be scared she might not want him for who he is now. But that’s not how it played. It played like he almost didn’t want her there and was questioning her motives rather than him being vulnerable and scared she might not want him. Putting it all on Claire with how they had Jamie question her wasn’t a good look for him.

I hated the voiceover while they ate. Just let them talk. Don’t VO that they’re talking. Have them actually talk. And sorry, but I really don’t think we needed to watch them silently undress for that long. They could have gotten the same emotions across with a shorter montage and leave more time for, you know, actually catching up after 20 years.

I did like the lead up to round one once they were naked and Claire was all adorable and insecure and Jamie finally acted like he wanted to be there. (Minus the second instance of attempting a meaningful callback to a thing that was never established.) And yeah, round one was going to be awkward. I know, it should be. But then round two wasn’t hot at all? Like they shot a rape scene in ep. 304 like soft-core porn but when the main couple gets back together it’s like awkward side-flopping? Yes, they need to touch each other and look into each other’s eyes and that’s all lovely and should happen, but like the way it was shot didn’t match what the scene should have felt like? Also, their wigs are terrible. Like distractingly terrible.

Them talking in between rounds one and two, and them talking after round two through round three until Jamie leaves I did like for the most part. And I was glad that I did, because I really did want to really like this episode and I feel like if there were important parts to like, it was those parts. And honestly what they talk about there was enough to set up that they weren’t going to stay in this little bubble for very long, so the World’s End stuff and the very not subtle convo with Jamie and Fergus and the stuff at the end seemed even more unnecessary.

I did like Young Ian. Because it’s Young Ian. And I heart that awkward goober. But everything after that, especially ending it on another fucking attempted rape, I could have done without.

So yeah. There were a couple scenes I liked, but as an overall episode? It just didn’t do it for me. And what I did like didn’t really drive me to full on fangirling. It was just like oh, this is better than those other parts. And with the way it ends, it left me feeling angry rather than happy that these characters are back together. Not a great aftertaste for what’s supposed to be like the biggest episode of the series.

And yes, I *know* that they can’t please everyone and that they aren’t making the show specifically for my exact tastes and vision. I’m well aware I’m a #BadFan. But I think I’m still allowed to be disappointed that the episode I was looking forward was kind of a let down for me.

Holy shit this got way longer than I thought it would. I meant to just write a short update and hide it in an old post so I didn’t get yelled at... Because for some reason, bullshitting about how I felt about this episode wasn’t sitting well with me. Whatever. Brevity has never been my strong suit...

Here’s hoping ep. 307 is amazing...

[ride-run-sleep-repeat]

I know I’ve probably written previously about some race being the “hardest thing I’ve ever done” but they were lies. Okay, maybe not lies, but a climb up a ridiculous ladder I’m pretty sure I’ve finally reached the top of. GODZone is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

It’s been 14 days since the race and i’ve only just stopped dreaming about bush bashing, my fingernails still have dirt under them (I swear i’ve showered!) but my toes have stopped feeling wet even though they are most certainly dry. So that’s a plus I guess?

Also, everyone said Fiordland is the wettest place on earth but I’m going to have to call BS because the weather was actually perfect (thank fark). The wettest place on earth was the ecosystem in my shoes – trail Mud, water, bush bashing mud, didymo cleaning stuff, water from grass not rain, swamp mud (you get the picture…).

I’ve read a lot about elite athletes envisioning their end goals and by doing so are able to push through when it gets really hard. I think it is a true testament to our team, even in the very beginning, that we were constantly talking about the last leg and that it seemed like there was no doubt we would get there eventually, even though “eventually” was in 8 days time.

But the length of the race aside, the really genius thing about it was that although there weren’t very many legs, they all could be broken down into manageable mini legs. (Doesn’t that just sound delightful?!)

This race was really long so i’m just going to acknowledge the fact that some parts were really really brutal and awful right now. But secretly, one of the reasons I keep going back is to see how I deal with the lows. I was also very much a passenger hanging on for dear life (except not as much as Wildside because training actually really works!), so don’t expect me to remember names of rivers, or roads, or anything geographically located. You can go to http://godzoneadventure.com/ for all of that or ask Tom and Paul. You’re coming on my emotional rollercoaster dear reader, buckle up.

Stage one was a packraft/hike/cheeky 150 metre abseil and another packraft (see what I mean about mini legs?) The first portage, which included climbing up a wall of dirt and vines pulling our inflated packrafts along with us was a tiny taster for what was to come (seriously, it wouldn’t even register as anything now. I might be broken). We walked down the river for some time before deciding on Option 2 of 3 bad Option options. Essentially it meant a 1000 metre vertical climb in under 3kms to the top and over some mountain that was between an even bigger mountain (Option 1) and a smaller but dodgier looking mountain (Option 3). The views were pretty good just before we passed the tree line and then the clouds rolled in and it was almost a white out up the top before the darkness descended as we started down the other side, turned on our head torches and were delighted with seeing all the other lights on various mountains around us.

There could be other stuff after this but the next thing I remember is getting to a flat rock overhang about 500 metres from where we were going to abseil and the volunteer who was camped out there saying “it’s not a hard nav to the top”. Well, look, technically she was right. What she did fail to mention though, was that it was going to be incredibly steep and slow to get there. But we did, and after harnessing up and heaving the 150 metre rope Paul thought was too impossibly long to exist back up from the bottom (it existed alright), we descended into the night. Which, thank goodness, because it probably would have been scary otherwise. You know the saying “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”? Well “What Alex can’t see won’t hurt her” was definitely a thing during the race.

Then there was another paddle and we made it to stage 2!

“A straightfoward bike” indeed. The caves were pretty cool. It took the boys a bit of time to orientate themselves but once they had, we bagged all the check points easily. In fact, I think this is one of the only times Tom and Paul weren’t certain the whole race, which is a testament to their skilful navving abilities. Lee even offered to swim the short swim for the last CP and no one complained about that. It did take us the whole two hours so we emerged from the cold depths into the surprisingly humid afternoon and made our way through to the much anticipated, but also dreaded Stage 3. Oh yeah and we decided to walk the 7kms to the lake at the start so we could have a little sleep before the first pack raft. A few things:

It is very hard to walk in a straight line while trying not to sleep.

You cannot walk that far with your eyes closed

7kms is a long way when you really just want to sleep

This is the leg shit got real. Real muddy, real wet, real blistery and real hungry. The estimated slow time was 60 hours. Well, the fastest teams did it in 60 hours. So while us mere mortals packed more food in anticipation, we didn’t anticipate we’d be out there for a solid 4 days.

Highlights include:

4 hours of grade 2/2+ wave trains

The long and strategically genius sleep after getting to the top of a ridge in the dark.

Entering pack rafts from steep bushy terrain onto the water (see photo below)

Finding DoCs (Department of Conservation) possum trap tracks instead of having to bush bash

The 2 km novelty paddle which let our feet rest, if only for an hour

Westies hut

The awesome bridges with 1 person max so someone would dibs going last to have a longer sitting break

Finishing the leg

Lowlights include:

Endless mud

Blisters (shoutout to the medic for sorting me out!)

Putting sore feet back into wet shoes

Soft but actually super prickly moss (Paul said he used some as TP and it was okay though).

After waking up from our last sleep with a big section of coastal track to finish, we hoped by some miracle it would be easier for the last “little” bit. I mean we weren’t hoping for much, even if it only had half the amount of mud from the previous section, we would have been stoked. Much to our surprise, the mud was scarce and the trail was wide! This is probably the first time in the race we got to talk to each other properly and it was amazing to realise how important that aspect of racing is. The conversation did peter out though when Tom started struggling (something i’ve never witnessed before) due to the skin around his toes deciding it didn’t need to be attached, or at the very least, loosely affiliated.

We scored a hot Back Country meal at the TA and as the medic popped all my blisters and told me my feet were better than others he’d seen (I was dubious) he showed me a horrifying photo of another teams feet who had said that he thought “it was only a bit of sand in his shoes” but in fact it was an epically horrible fungal infection and he had to get airlifted to hospital. I felt much better about my feet after that.

The Rowallan Forest looked innocent at first, but as we found ourselves at in thigh deep bog mud (with bikes in tow), it was clear that some simple bush bashing to find a derelict bridge wouldn’t be that simple. After sloshing back and forth to retrace wheel marks from previous teams we decided to head back up the ridge (not fun or easy), ride a little and attack from another angle. Until it looked impossible at night and we decided to sleep for a few hours till sunlight. To be honest, it didn’t seem very possible in light either, even less with a bike, but after 45 minutes we made it out and the rest was much easier after that. Except for when we got to Percy Saddle.

If anyone ever tells you that they’ve heard of Percy’s Saddle and that they’d like to go, laugh in their face. There was no such thing as a “grade 5 mountain bike route”. In mountain bike terms it is not a trail. It is a fire road that ends almost at the top of a steep mountain with 700 metres of markers that alludes to a trail they haven’t built yet.

I tried to channel my bad case of the farts to propel me and my bike up this barbaric route and even though that didn’t work we managed to get them all the way to the top. Although I’m really not sure how. I do know that it shouldn’t take 2 hours to travel 700 metres. It was so exhausting both physically and mentally that someone turned on the waterworks behind my eyes and I couldn’t turn it off for a good couple minutes. Paul and Tom stood awkwardly around me and cried on the inside instead.

I forgot to mention we were also racing the clock to make the 3am cut off to the kayak leg which would take us to stage 6 – the last 24km hike before Stage 7 – a measly (I say “measly” with literally no sarcasm) 8 hour paddle to the finish. We made the cut off with 10 minutes to spare and got some sleep at the most sandfly and team infested hut in the whole race.

After enduring window shaking snoring throughout the night and feeling lower than a limbo champion, I sat in silence next to Paul as we ate a Back Country and treated our feet, watching the 3 teams who’d also bunked with us leave, before mustering the courage to put on our shoes and take the tentative first steps of the 24km hike. Although I felt like death, this hike had the most beautiful terrain of the whole bloody race.

Our first goal was to get to a ginormous and extremely powerful waterfall rumoured to have made a team turn back at the sight of it. After that, it was a steep, mossy and holey slog to the novelty canoe.  One of the volunteers had some boiling water on the fire (such luxury!) and I think this is where Tom created a concoction of dehydrated mash potatoes and 2-minute noodles which he claims was amazing while we laughed at the other team who had just started paddling in circles.

  Enormous Waterfall

  Except when we started paddle we did exactly the same. After a few spins we got used to the paddles and made our way in pitch black darkness to the other side of the lake where after an interesting attempt by Paul to light a fire with the stove, we set up tents and slept for a few hours till daylight.

Braden Currie (Multiple Coast to Coast winner) boated over to pick up our canoes in the morning and said that we should try to hit the pass before the weather got bad. We later took this as a polite “hurry the f@*k up” as the weather ended up being delightful and the view spectacular from the top. Descending into the valley towards the lake took a lot shorter than we expected, probably due to the steep terrain we either lowered ourselves down by vines/grass/whatever solid thing we could find or slid down.

  View from the pass. Only 10 kms (6 more hours) down the valley following the river to the lake! 

  Boulder hopping, (not one of my fortes) became incredibly fun and we eventually made it to the final TA by following a trail of bright fluro markers which are every adventure racers favourite thing to hunt down. (Or at least our teams anyway). We had very low food rations at this point so it was wonderful to stuff my face while the volunteers politely but firmly tried to get us into the kayaks as fast as possible.

This is where we forgot about our feet and aching bodies, dug deep and clicked into beast mode.

Tom was in the front of our kayak as it had the steering thingos (technical term). The wind was pretty horrendous for the first couple of hours and having not done up our jackets, Tom got pounded by huge whitecaps and was not happy about it. So at the first CP we got out, rugged up and carried on.

As the darkness descended and we made it to the last CP we fully expected to have to camp there for the night, leaving us a piddly 5km from the finish. But as we approached, the volunteer radioed in and HQ said we could carry on to the finish. We had a quick team discussion and after bribing Tom with a chocolate OSM we got back into the boats and paddled our way to the finish line. To find out we’d come 3rd place in the international team category, which was just ridiculous.

So what did I learn from this epic race? Firstly, that team comradery and communication is vital to enjoying and getting through a race. Secondly, that your low points can get lower but you can and will continue through pain and tears because the competitive drive still burns and thirdly, even when you think you’ve reached your physical limit, you can keep one upping yourself.

Team goal – “Our goal is to finish the full course with our limbs intact and still be willing to speak to each other.”

Well, we finished the full course anyway.

Would I do it again? Yes. But I’m going to enjoy coffee and my day job for a little while before I sign up for another…

PS shout out to Shapes for making the greatest race food of all time – Nacho cheese flavoured shapes and La Sportiva for creating the most perfect shoe – the Akasha.

GODZone Fiordland 2018 I know I've probably written previously about some race being the "hardest thing I've ever done" but they were lies.

[bmaxwell]

Best Games of 2002-2003

Between Warcraft 3 and Rise of Nations, this marked the era when my love affair with realtime strategy games ended. There were a couple of my classics and a whole lot of not much else for me. 

7. The Simpsons Hit and Run

What if you mixed The Simpsons with Grand Theft Auto? The result was actually pretty good. Open world gameplay with lots of secrets and show references.

6. NHL 2K3

NHL 2K3 on the Gamecube was the last hockey game I really gave a damn about. My preferred way to play hockey games is the slog of playing through a full season and playoffs. I did that with the New York Rangers in 2K3, memorable to me because after dominating in the regular season and playoffs, I found myself down 3 game to 1 in the conference finals. I benched all-time Rangers great goaltender Mike Richter for never-heard-of-him-but-has-a-cool-name backup goalie Dan Blackburn. We came back and won that series and the finals. Here’s to you, Dan Blackburn.

5. Eternal Darkness

In Eternal Darkness you play as a granddaughter of a recently deceased fella. You go to explore his mansion and find mysterious old books and relics and shit. There’s an ancient evil relic that has been in her family for generations, and you play as various ancestors throughout history and see how the relic came to be passed down through the generations. Which is all cool as shit. 

There’s also a sanity mechanic, and if your sanity gets too low you’ll start seeing things that aren’t happening - in game stuff like your character’s head falling off, or all of your attacks missing - or fourth wall breaking stuff like a Blue Screen of Death, or a message that says “Thank you for playing the Eternal Darkness demo!” and appears to boot you to the title screen. A lot of this stuff would be corny and tryhardy today, and I am 1000% sure this game doesn’t hold up at all. But in 2002 it was AMAZING.

4. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

Final Fantasy Tactics is one of my absolute favorite games ever, so when they finally made a sequel for the Gameboy Advance only it was time to buy a new handheld. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance was both profoundly disappointing and a very good video game. It’s a tactics game with much of what comes with that title - grids, turn-based combat, equipment, classes, levels, and so on. 

The look, tone, and feel of the original game is long gone, but the game is still a very good One of Those. Also I just realized that I’ve been counting the years backwards on here and missed Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2, WHICH IS NOT ACCEPTABLE*

3. Warlords Battlecry II

Man, fuck Warcraft III. Warlords Battlecry II is my Betamax. My Private Selection ice cream. Because Warlords Battlecry II was very much off-brand Warcraft, and also much better than Warcraft III. Warlords added heroes to the mix, and did it far better than Warcraft III’s prepackaged heroes. More races, more classes, and your heroes persisted from game to game. 

Man. FUCK Warcraft III.

2.Culdcept

Magic the Gathering + Monopoly in a game no one has ever heard of. Sorry, ladies - I’m taken.

1. Animal Crossing

The Animal Crossing games have been a series of diminishing returns for me. Every few years a new one comes around and I get hooked for a couple of months before moving on. I’d never played anything quite like it back in the Gamecube days though. A peaceful sandbox island about fishing, decorating your home, chatting up villagers and catching bugs was exactly what I needed when it came around. 

*I accidentally had the caps lock on for this sentence and I am leaving it. 

[tossinghydras]

GCPD Incident Report #18001

Game: Batman Miniatures Game by Knight Models

Summary: Commissioner Gordon and the GCPD respond to reports of criminal violence between gang elements led by Victor Fries (AKA Mr. Freeze) and Harvey Dent (AKA Two-Face).

Good Evening readers!

Today I thought I would do something a bit different. I finally gave in and joined two of my coworkers for a game of the Batman Miniatures Game by Knight Models. I had been interested in the game before and played a few demo games, but never really got involved. After being prodded for months, however, I am now fully invested (just need to pick up some Teen Titans and we are good to go).

For those who don’t know the Batman Miniatures Game is (primarily) set in Gotham at night, though you could play in any other location you wish or even during the day. Each player builds a crew from a faction (Such as League of Assassins or Brave and the Bold) to play a skirmish level game (usually 3 to 10 models each). I won’t go into this too deeply in this report but keep an eye out as I will do a separate article describing the game itself in more detail.

For this game, we played on a substantially larger table than normal for the game, though we still used the typical 350 Rep and $1000 Funding for the game. It was also a three-way game between  GCPD led by Commissioner Gordon, Two-Face, and Mr. Freeze.  

As you can see the table has lots of terrain to hide behind and to climb, with sewers and light sources scattered pretty broadly around the field. For this game GCPD deployed on the center left of the board around the Police Cruiser and white undercover vehicle. Two-Face deployed behind the Hostel in the upper right and Mr. Freeze deployed in the Ruins in the bottom right.Now one caveat before we get stuck in. I decided to do this report the moment I got there and only had my phone to use, so I wasn’t set up to do this properly. In future reports, I will endeavor to have a better camera and more detailed notes taken. So let’s take a look at the crew I ran.

First up we have Mr. Freeze himself in the new colored resin that Knight Model is using circa 2nd Edition. I must say I do prefer the old school version with the glass dome, but this is a very nice model. I love that you can clearly see his face through the helmet without any real loss of detail.

Here we have the henchmen you receive in the Mr. Freeze starter set. It comes with two ranged henchmen using ice beamy weapons, and a close combat henchman with a snow shovel.

I was also backed up by Killer Frost.  This is an older miniature as its still metal, but she looks fantastic.  And with such a simple pose you don’t have to worry about bits falling off or being unbalanced.

And lastly, just because, I was backed up with Black Manta. This is also a great miniature and it’s pretty useful in close combat, though he also has a Death Ray that can make quick work of enemies.

So Two-Face deployed well forward behind the Hostel, obviously going to move up behind the trucks to grab some early loot.  I had a similar idea and deployed Freeze along the bottom so he could grab the loot bag and move up the middle to flank the GCPD, who deployed primarily to move up the middle.  I also deployed most of my henchmen and Black Manta in position to challenge Harvey for the rear loot, and put Killer Frost in the center of my line.  The GCPD player decided to place the Batsignal on top of my ruins.  Knowing that the GCPD had Batgirl on their side I assumed he would use her grappling gun to quickly get across the board and turn on the Batsignal.  As long as the signal is on the GCPD would receive multiple points, while use criminals would only get 1 point for keeping it off.  Thus I wanted to use Killer Frost to defend the signal from Batgirl. I began to move henchmen up towards Two-Face and the loot, but couldn’t quite get close enough to fire my AOE ice gun at them.

Here’s where things started to get sticky for me. Deathstroke, working for Harvey, leaped across the board and jumped my poor gunner, causing me to run in my shoveller into assist.

Meanwhile, Gordon made the questionable decision to pop out of a sewer near Mr. Freeze.  He underestimated how well his power armor would protect against standard issue GCPD firearms. As Gordon unloaded my henchmen was able to nail him with an ice beam, allowing me to finally make ice puns!

Two more of GCPD’s finest move in to assist, but also can’t pierce my armor.

Black Manta and one of Harvey’s henchmen, wielding a shield and hammer, join the fray.  This is one massive mosh pit of unhappiness right here.

Turn 3 started with Batgirl waiting to swoop in to acquire the Batsignal, the GCPD moving in on Harvey and the Mosh Pit continues.

With Turn 4 coming up, Batgirl has managed to sweep in and turn on the signal, while Gordon chooses wisely to get the hell out of there. Harvey moves in close to try and get a shot in on the Mosh Pit.

Turn 5 was worrying. The GCPD was starting to gain ground on me in points and Harvey had jumped way ahead by killing Black Manta with Harvey and worst of all Mr. Freeze was out of ammo for his gun, meaning I had to slog across the board to get anything done. The only plus side was Killer Frost was holding her own against Batgirl like I wanted.

Last turn and Deathstroke has managed to get free of the Moshpit and makes a beeline for Batgril who Killer Frost kicked off the ruins. I finally remembered Mr. Freeze’s ability to make an icy burst around him, slowing down and ruining people’s day.

This shot was great… And taken about 2 seconds before Deathstroke used his Hidden Sniper ability to blow Killer Frost’s head off, before stabbing Batgril, earning Harvey a massive surge of points.

My poor henchman has moved up to my Titan canister in a hope I can earn a few more points. I take a pot shot at Gordon, knocking him down as he slips on ice, and sit there praying Katana won’t run up and stab him from behind.

At the end of the round, Harvey won by 5 or 6 points. Harvey grabs the Titan canister, hops in the sweet ride and rides of into the sunrise.

GCPD may have come in last, but he did manage to arrest my poor henchman before the end.

I managed to eek out second place. Having lost his whole crew, Mr. Freeze hops into the freezer truck from Walmart, with the Shoveller driving him off to plan a breakout for his last remaining henchman. Overall it was a great learning game. I think I could have managed a tie or maybe even a win if I had remembered Freeze’s Icy Burst ability.  It would have prevented Gordon from escaping, meaning I would have had a better chance at finishing him off. If I had done that the GCPD would probably have pushed Harvey harder on the far side of the board, taking the pressure off me. I really look forward to playing again, though now I have to work in painting up a Teen Titans crew into all my other projects.

That’s all for today folks. Remember if you like what we do you can follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Join the conversation on Discord, or support us through Patreon or Ko-fi.

[swordsandcircuitboards]

The Stars My Destination Review

Format: Ebook

Rating:  ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

The Good: A proto-cyberpunk novel that lays the foundation for many good things to follow.

The Bad: The book drags at many points and the writing takes away from the themes.

The Ugly: Our “protagonist” is one of the worst anti-heroes I’ve ever seen.

The Review: This book has been praised as one of the best science fiction books of all time, it’s not. This pulpy novel lays the foundations of the cyberpunk genre (of which I am a fan) with a grouping of great tropes and ideas. The failings of this book are not with its ideas but with the story. Alfred Bester has created a world in which humans can teleport, or jaunt, naturally with a maximum range of 1000 miles. Along with that humanity has spread out to the other planets in the solar system. We join this world with Gully Foyle, a despicable man of the highest order driven by one thought only, revenge. With this kind of tag line it’s hard to imagine this book not being enjoyable.

Let’s start with good, themes. The main theme of the book is the growth and evolution of humanity. The first chapter and last bookend the story with talk of how we grow comfortable with our situation and have lost the desire to better ourselves and the species at large. The characters in the book only strive to be better and become more when outside factors push them. Whether it be nearly drowned in a tank with no exit or a spaceship leaving one behind to die. Only in the face of a conquerable enemy do the characters grow, and I believe this is Alfred Bester’s view on the advancement of humanity. Beyond that we get some proto cyberpunk ideas. Neil Gaiman wrote the introduction to my version (Kindle) and he points to the megacorporation, intercorporation intrigue, dangerous and scientific MacGuffin, amoral hero, and strong woman sidekick as proof of it’s perfect cyberpunk novel. The problem is that this is  a proto novel and none of these themes are fully fleshed out. Writers love this book because they are used to not reading the words of a book but looking at its themes and structures. This is ok, but the best writers are able to mix big ideas with a great story. 

Now that the good parts are out of the way here come the issues; for lovers of the novel, turn back now. Gully Foyle is dumb and despicable. This is an issue because the amazing, and I sincerely mean amazing, ending to this novel comes from his speech while jaunting around the world. These revelations, though, seem to come from nowhere (well actually a defective robot) and there is no lead up to the eureka moment. Another issue is that to make Foyle a terrible person he rapes nearly every woman he meets, and honestly I can’t think of a woman in this book who isn’t raped or has sex, mostly by and with Foyle. Why is this an issue? On its own it wouldn’t be but when you look at the female characters you can see each one is simply a characterization of a trait a woman would typically posses. We have the hyper and talkative one, the strong willed one, the one who only acts like they don’t want you but secretly do, and the faithful no matter what one. These women aren't’ characters and Alfred Bester doesn’t understand how to write a complex woman, so they end up being caricatures and sex symbols. The greatest issue with the novel isn’t just the characters, the story is a slog for much of the first and second acts. I’ve forgotten most of what comes before Foremyle because it just drags. And in a mad dash to push as many Science Fiction ideas into the book as possible the ending crams Mars and a child psychic in without developing it. 

This book would’ve been much more interesting and much more engaging  as a collection of short stories like The Martian Chronicles. The ideas are good and many of the parts are good, but as a whole it just doesn’t come together.

[cyclinginaskirt-uk]

Do you ever find yourself blithely saying ‘yes’ to things without thinking them through, then suddenly days or even weeks later actually fully realise the consequences of doing so.

Yup, me too.

Which is probably why I’m sat in a freezing cold pub car park in North Wales, early on a Sunday morning with 200 random strangers, after only a few hours of sleep.

The 200 and I have just one thing in common, we’re all clutching mountain bikes, other than that the similarities end.

There are several scarily focussed, steely looking people in matching top-toe colours sporting full body armour and face helmets, a well turned out race team with what looks like its own mechanic, as well vast assortment of people who appear to have just rolled in off the cover of Mountain Bike UK magazine. Hearteningly there are also a few folk dressed in onesies, obviously not taking things too seriously, and finally myself and a dozen friends who’d made the 7 hour trip up to the Snowdonia National Park to take part in xxx

It would be fair to say that you could count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually ridden my mountain bike in the last year following the accident that took me out of cycling (amongst many other things) last April.

In fact it’s still a bit of a mystery how I ended up here at all? Over the past few weeks, I seem to have progressed from debating whether I would ever get back on a mountain bike again to agreeing to a 60+ km event that takes in Wales’ highest mountain

Beware what you say yes to!

But, here we are at the start. I even have a new bike, bought second-hand from a fellow club member, for the occasion.

‘Bob’ as I have christened him is a full suspension mountain bike with 27.5 inch wheels, a whole 1.5” upgrade from my last bike. I’ve also graduated from cable to hydraulic brakes (supposedly improving my stopping control) and a 1 x 10 gear ratio.

I’ve ridden Bob a couple of times but it’s fair to say this will be our first big test. The same is also true for my recently healed broken wrist. After a few cautious rides, I’m still slightly perturbed that I’ve decided to throw myself down a mountain but, so the event blurb assures me, it’s a non-technical route with a choice of distances (decide on the day). What could possibly go wrong…..?

So, I squash down my nerves and a breakfast of sausage sandwich, and get ready for the off. As the countdown starts I mentally tick off the reasons I shouldn’t be doing this:

Post-op painful broken wrist

Severe lack of fitness through 9 months of inactivity

Almost no sleep after sharing a tiny cheap hostel room with 5 friends, some who could snore for England.

Oh yeah, I’m terrified of falling off (see previous post)

Still debating the wisdom/lack off that made me agree to this an air-horn signals the start and on-mass 200 riders began streaming out of the gateway heading straight on to the mountain ahead.

Very quickly we’re funnelled onto one of the narrow paths leading up the side of Snowdonia itself. At over 1000 metres it’s Wales’ highest peak and whilst we’re not going right to the top we’re traversing a goodly portion of it.

The feeder track is incredibly steep and too narrow for so many keen bikers. Those overly optimistic about their climbing skills quickly fall behind and quietly, others of us begin to gain ground. I’ve been hanging back but, one of the things I can usually manage is to climb doggedly, which is what I do. All too soon the concrete feeder path peters out into stony single-track and the riders move to single file. It’s a path that demands attention, boulders and channels are waiting to misdirect wheels and every 200 yards or so, slate ‘steps’, fronting water channels require some skill to navigate up; speed, power and technical ability are needed to lift the front wheels over and across.

Up to Telegraph Pass By J.D.

Many, including me, ride some, walk some and fail some. There’s a steep drop to the left hand side where the mountain falls away and disconcertingly I see more than one rider miss the path and start rolling away down the side, still clipped into their pedals. I get off and walk a bit more.

But I’m still going, riding up, walking the scarier steps.

It’s a 7+km climb and hard focussed work but amazingly for Wales the sun is shining by now and even more amazingly, lungs fit to burst I make it over the prow of the first climb to be rewarded by the most spectacular views, including the snow-capped summit of Snowdon itself.

By J.D.

A quick breather and I’m keen to stay with my group of friends so I steel myself for the bit I’ve been dreading worse than the climb. The descent.

Now, the organisers may have promised ‘non-technical’ but I’d beg to differ. A smooth grass slope was all very well at first but this soon gave way to another steep section of single track – big drops to the left, vertical banking to the right and a narrow strip of path which insistently dissolved into deep rocky gully every 20 yards or so.

I’m hugely grateful for my new brakes at this point and grimly ride/scoot down this new obstacle, sliding into the gully or balancing on the path, trying to ignore the press of faster riders behind me. A series of zig-zagging turns then unfolded, strewn with boulders and large drop-offs, gullies and debris. I’m descending white-knuckle style, heart in mouth, less out of choice and more pushed on by the 100 or so riders behind me and the inability to stop and let them past.

Careening down a rocky shoot I’m spat out at the bottom of the trail, fingers locked in terror on the brakes and legs shaking.

I’d made it though!

The next road section afforded a chance to recover my breath and let the adrenalin die down a little. I’m cheered slightly by the fact that my friends also found it a nerve-straining experience. After a few more kilometres on rode riders were then funnelled off along picturesque gravel paths into a large forest. Climbing and descending on the fire trails I was looking around both eagerly and in fear of the next single-track section but weirdly it didn’t appear. The route, somewhat disappointingly wound on stickling to these wide tracks.

Whilst the forest trail seemed never ending, my drink bottle wasn’t, on a hot day I’d run out of liquid and, as the adrenalin wore off my energy plummeted too. Rounding another section of wooded track I caught sight of a marshal who thankfully confirmed a water/food station ahead. 5 minutes later I pulled in and flopped exhausted on the ground. Forest lap one completed.

To complete the full distance there was the option of a further 2 laps. Don’t get me wrong, the forest was gorgeous in all its wooded sunshiny glory but it was also pretty featureless for mountain biking and, being on the knackered side, I opted for just one more time around the route.

Curiously the field had dispersed, a good number of riders heading back after the first mountain descent or after only one forest lap. By now, my friends too were spread out ahead and behind and I found myself mostly on my own.

The odd hard-core cyclist passed finishing off a third go round, lapping me on occasion whilst I was now just content to take in the scenery. The smell of the pine, the mountain streams trickling through the forest punctuated by the odd whistle from the steam train that ploughed the Ffestiniog railway nearby. It was idyllic but I was also knackered.

Reaching the water station again at the end of lap two I caught up with the majority of my friends, lying prostrate on the grass we shared the highs and lows so far – punctures, mechanicals, falls, before heading off together as a group for the ride home.

Somewhere during the day however it seemed that the originally planned, more relaxed route home had been vetoed by local officials which left the only option of finishing via the same mountain pass from the morning. It was not an appealing thought.

My energy levels had pretty much reached rock bottom by now, my lack of bike fitness making itself known in jelly muscles and aching limbs. On top of that my newly healed arm was complaining vociferously at this prolonged, rough treatment. But, the only way is up, so we began climbing. It was soon obvious that the steep path, with its boulders and steps would be easier to push than ride so that’s what we did. The angle and the weight of the bike reminding me how much more healing the broken wrist had yet to achieve.

It truly took all my focus to make that climb, one of those situations when you have to draw deep on psychological reserves as the physical one are near empty. Ultimately, it was the patience and support of those I was with which made the difference between success and failure as we joked and cursed our way to the top accordingly. Some of the group could easily have gone faster but they chose camaraderie over speed. I can’t tell you how humbled and grateful I am by that.

The only way is up! By J.D.

Regrouping at the summit we’d been at just hours earlier (was it really only that morning), nothing remained but the sweet, long downhill descent back to the starting point.

By now we were amongst the last riders out on the course, even the odd marshal looked surprised to see us but, in style and with a surprising speed, we negotiated the technical, rock-strewn single track, whizzing back down the paths we’d slogged up so laboriously.

In no time at all our intrepid little group reconvened to ride the last few metres over the finish line, triumphant and absolutely knackered.

Abandoning bikes we headed for the bar. Pints of beer have never been so gratefully devoured.

But Bob and I had done it, 32 miles (51km), 6ish hours, nearly 5000 feet of climbing and some hair-raising descents later. Not bad for a full-fledged chicken and after nearly 9 months of no riding.

A whole soup of emotions swirled inside me, relieved, exhausted and full of gratitude for friendship, for the joy of cycling, for getting back in one piece and lastly for the huge bar of chocolate I’d just found in my bag!

DCIM100GOPRO

Majority of photos shamelessly stolen from friends as I forgot to take any, thanks Jemma D, Jacky NM and Jackie S.

Thanks also to Brinyau MTB events, a link to a few more photos can be found here!

Remind me, why did I agree to this? Do you ever find yourself blithely saying ‘yes’ to things without thinking them through, then suddenly days or even weeks later actually fully realise the consequences of doing so.