#1 year later and I still think this bear is peak design

[bunderbye]

🧸 As the kids say, Ballin’ 🧸

🟡 🟠 🔵 🟣 🔴 🟢 ⚪️

More bear stickers ft ✨ glitter ✨

(My new arch nemesis because they did NOT want to be photographed...or edited...or printed...or delivered...or posted...really, it’s a miracle I got this far...but they are here!!)

🤹‍♂️ Ball pit necklace made by the very lovely & talented & amazing etc etc etc: @duskemblem 🤹‍♂️

[colorpickinglesbian]

History of the Lesbian Flag

Since I run a blog that's all about appreciation for lesbians and our current flag, I thought it'd be fitting to make a post about lesbian flags of the past and how we (more or less) settled on this design!

The first lesbian flag was designed by Sean Campbell in 1999, who was working as a graphic designer for the Greater Palm Springs Gay and Lesbian Times [1]. It has a solid violet background in reference to the tradition of violets as a symbol of sapphic love. The inverted black triangle is used to represent remembrance and reclamation for the lesbians who were marked "asocial" during the Holocaust, much like how the pink triangle was a common symbol in the gay men's community [2]. The labrys was already an established lesbian-feminist symbol of women's strength and self-sufficiency due to its association with the Amazons.

This flag was more of a niche success than the versions that would follow, for a number of changing reasons. The first is that this flag was created at a time when it was just starting to become commonplace for individual identities to have their own flags as opposed to everyone being under the rainbow; the bisexual and transgender flags were both only around a year old. The second reason this flag hasn't seen widespread use is the controversial use of the black triangle. To an uninformed viewer, the inclusion of a Nazi symbol on a flag can be alarming. There is also debate on if lesbians should reclaim the black triangle, as it was most commonly applied to Romani people. The third and most contemporary criticism of this flag centers around its adoption by transphobic radical feminists, due to the lesbian-feminist history of the flag.

There is a current movement to revive or slightly redesign (by removing the black triangle or adding trans-positive imagery) this flag, as some people connect with the empowering and historically significant symbolism or simply think that the most widespread design doesn't reflect their aesthetic or connection with lesbianism.

The second flag wasn't meant for the whole lesbian community, but it became pretty widespread: the Lipstick Lesbian flag. This flag was created in 2010 by lesbian lifestyle blogger Natalie McCray to represent the hyperfeminine sub-community of "lipstick lesbians" [3]. The shades of pink and red, fittingly, represent common shades of lipstick, and the kiss mark is in the upper left corner in the tradition of the bear and leather flags.

In 2013, a version of the flag cropped to exclude the kiss mark was posted on Tumblr, where it was described as a general lesbian flag representing the whole community [4]. In 2015, a DeviantArt account dedicated to uploading high-resolution versions of pride flags posted the version without the lipstick mark, mentioning that it is a variation of the lipstick lesbian flag but still framing it as a flag for the whole community [5]. The admin later revealed that the omission of the lipstick mark was simply due to the difficulty of upscaling the image to a higher quality without the original vector.

This design was moderately successful until racist, biphobic, anti-butch, and cissexist comments from the creator were uncovered c. 2018. The flag was already facing replacement efforts due to its "lipstick lesbian" association making it uninclusive of butch lesbians.

2017-18 was a very fortuitous time for lesbians to be in search of a new flag. Social media use was reaching new peaks and the microidentity boom came with a huge wave of new flags for the queer community at large. Concurrently, there was a big push for inclusivity in the queer community that birthed the Philadelphia Pride flag to explicitly include people of color, the first time the LGBT rainbow flag had seen a revision since it was cut to six stripes in 1979.

It was not difficult to find lesbians willing to try their hand at making The New Lesbian Flag. There were so many interested parties, in fact, that multiple community surveys were conducted to pick a design! (I had the joy of participating in some of those surveys in favor of the 7-stripe flag that this blog is dedicated to.) On the DeviantArt account that posted the lipstick lesbian flag with the kiss mark removed, there are 212 variations under the "Lesbian WLW" category.

Pictured above are three of the most successful variations that came out of this lesbian flag explosion. The design on the left was created by Jace (AKA anurtransyl), with 5 shades of blue and purple representing community values like trust, freedom, and pride. The design on the right won the which-lesbian-flag survey; it was created by Marion (AKA apersnicketylemon), and the four stripes represent different subsets — trans, femme, aspec, and butch — of the lesbian community. The center flag was created by Lydia, the same woman who brought Natalie McCray's bigoted comments to light. It is commonly referred to as the Sappho flag because its violet shade is a direct reference to Sappho's poetry, while its other shades represent the community values of strength, fragility, and healing.

Separate from the evolution of the community lesbian flag, some lesbians were making flags for subsets of the lesbian community. While I won't cover these in detail, the one relevant to this story is the butch flag created by Mod Q of butchspace.

People were naturally attracted to the idea of smashing the butch and lipstick flags together to create one representing the whole community. Olivia (AKA shapeshifter-of-constellation) created a very familiar design (alongside some proposed variations) in July 2017 to little fanfare [6]. No meanings were provided for the stripes, but Olivia mused back and forth with some other community members about meanings that could be ascribed beyond 'butch, femme, and other'. She proposed a couple more variations, but ultimately seemed to abandon the design.

The current design originated in June 2018 and was designed by Emily Gwen [7].¹ By the end of the week, the meanings for the stripes were finalized: gender non-conformity, independence, community, unique relationships to womanhood, serenity & peace, love & sex, and femininity.

There are many reasons why this flag was successful.

The retained stripes from the lipstick lesbian flag allowed it to retain recognizability; someone who has only seen the previous iteration can see those stripes and infer that the flag has something to do with lesbianism.

The stripe meanings were decided with input from the community, resulting in associations that include lesbians of all kinds in a respectful way. Olivia's design faced criticism for implying that all lesbians exist on a continuum from butch to femme, so Emily Gwen's uses "gender non-conformity" and "femininity" to include butches and femmes while including all lesbians on every stripe. Trans lesbians provided feedback in the replies of the original post as well as sadlesbiandisaster's ask box stating that they felt having trans and nonbinary lesbians on their own stripe separated them from the rest of the community, so the white stripe was changed to "unique relationships to womanhood."

Marketability. Emily Gwen allows people and corporations to make and sell merchandise with her flag design on it. Despite the community's attitudes towards rainbow capitalism and the unfortunate financial impact on Emily Gwen personally, this allowed the flag to proliferate.

The color combination is pleasing to the eye. This is obviously a matter of opinion, but it seems to be a widely shared one! This design received its "sunset flag" nickname very early on, which tends to be a positive indicator for longevity of a pride flag.

Catherine Becker created a five-stripe derivative of this flag to facilitate printing [8]. Oversized flags have been a historical issue for the LGBT community, most notably with Gilbert Baker's original rainbow flag which had the pink stripe removed due to poor availability of pink fabric and the turquoise stripe removed to allow for it to be split in half on each side of the San Francisco pride parade route. The simplification turned out to be a good move, as it is the most popular design used by corporations like Disney and Spencer's Gifts.

Anecdotally, Emily Gwen's design is still the most popular at pride parades and online. It's the one we see handed to celebrities like Lucy Dacus and LOONA. It's the one we see proudly displayed in the icons of lesbians online. It's recognized by governmental organizations, universities, news and entertainment publications, and gay heritage organizations.

To close out this recounting of lesbian flag history, I leave you with two of my favorite memes about lesbian flags.

¹ Despite its visual similarity to Olivia's flag from the previous year, both designers attribute this to convergent evolution and deny any claims of plagiarism.

[lord-radish]

Mega Man X is one of the craziest examples of "first installment wins" in video games.

Like you'll get a game that's such a hard act to follow that the next game doesn't do well, or the devs will tack on two more games that have more in common with each other than they do with the original game to create a trilogy.

Really, there's a host of reasons why this could turn out to be the case, but it happens - the first one is the big passion project, later games don't measure up for one reason or another.

But for the most part, an enduring franchise - like Dragon Age or Ultima or what have you - will birth a handful of standout fan favorite entries between the contested ones, or have enough variety that there's a slew of equally valid arguments about which one is the best. The first one has clout, but maybe it doesn't age well or maybe later games approach things from a more compelling angle. Stuff like that.

Very rarely does a game series peak at the first game, then suffer an extended downturn that never really manages to rise above that initial peak. Even rarer is for a series like that to last beyond the standard trilogy of initial game releases that companies are known to do.

Fellas, gals and non-binary pals - Mega Man X.

Mega Man X is a series with eight games in it.

The first game has aged like wine. I played it for the first time in 2021, and it felt like it could have been released days beforehand as an indie title and sold 20 million copies. Straight up, I don't tend to like new games right away. I instantly loved Mega Man X.

It built on the foundation that the original Mega Man games laid and updated them for the 16-bit era of gaming. You could shoot in all different directions. You can dash and wall-jump, and you can get upgrades that makes the game feel even better to play. It is, for all intents and purposes, one of the best generational leaps forward of that era - Mega Man X is to Mega Mans 1-6 what Super Mario World was to the original Super Mario Bros.

The second and third games are fine for the most part? I think X3 has a cheap death due to a design oversight as soon as you spawn into a level (or is that X4?), but they're okay games even if they roll back some of X's most radical changes.

Mega Man X4 has a positive reputation, though I'm not the biggest fan. It has FMV sequences with voice-acting, and it's arguably the most "cinematic" game so far. It was ambitious, and it was the first 32-bit Mega Man game - it had a lot going for it. But frankly, I just don't think it was as tight of a gameplay experience as the first one was. I'd even say it felt a lot less tight than the previous two games.

And then the next three games are terrible! Like genuinely just terrible! X5 had a really cool effect on the first and last boss fights, but as a game it felt cheap and kind of desperate. X6 felt like shovelware - it had a cheap translation, no dub and really bad level design! And then X7 was the first 3D game in the series, and it hit the polygon ceiling at 300mph!!

X8 came out in the mid-00's, and it felt like it had the most love put into it in like 5 years at least. But even then, I couldn't bear to play much of it. Every game since X5 had been a step down, and I couldn't reconcile the fun I'd had with the first three games with the hail mary attempt that was X8.

Capcom made a game so good that it has hardly aged a day in its life. I'd say the proliferation of indie development and the revival of retro aesthetics has actually made X1 more enjoyable and relevant today than it was fifteen years ago, but it's always had such an incredibly strong structure and core that nothing has been able to touch.

It innovated on the Mega Man formula in ways that later games rescinded on in the name of tradition, iconography or formula. And after the series peaked in ambition at the fourth game? The series never recovered, despite producing four more games!

People still champion X4 as a worthy contender for the title of Best Mega Man X Game, but I can't get past its drawbacks. Mega Man X is all killer, no filler, and the seven subsequent games - try as they might - never held a candle to it. Seven full retail releases, over the course of 12 or so years and three home consoles, couldn't crack the formula that made the first game one of the best video games of all time.

They had the recipe from day one, but it was never as good as the first time they made it.

[kyogre-blue]

Insanely long, sorry to any fool caught up in it. 

List of Inazuma lore to look into later, since there’s so much new stuff and I can’t keep track. 

Viewpoints: 

Ritou: “Legend has it that hundreds of years ago, Lord Hiiragi Hiroshi of the Kanjou Commission miraculously built a prosperous trade center from a deserted island.” 

(This dude came up elsewhere too.) 

Tenryou, Inazuma City: “Under the eternal and silent gaze of Her Highness the Ogosho Shogun, the people living in the hustle and bustle of the city will finally be free from the worries of obsession, and move to a paradise where they no longer need to chase and compete for their aspirations.” 

(This Ogosho title is interesting. Also, note the “eternity”/euthymia goal that Yoimiya touched upon in her chapter 1.) 

Tatara Islands, Kannazuka: “The magnificent Blast Furnace here is used to produce a steady stream of high-quality Jade Steel for Inazuma. Recently, however, due to the war, the Mikage Furnace that drove the production has been damaged.”

Kujou Encampment: “Legend has it that during a disaster hundreds of years ago, Shigeyori Kujou, a mortal general whom Her Highness valued greatly, built a battlefront fortress in one night and fought valiantly against the forces of darkness.” 

(Another event from the Cataclysm.) 

Nazuchi Beach: “In the ancient language of the Inazuma ancestors, "Nazuchi" means "to be tenderly caressed by the hands of the gods." Ironically, Nazuchi Beach has been ravaged by war since a thousand years ago and has become a place for scavengers and pirates, with few inhabitants.” 

(“Ancient language of Inazuma” huh. This war from thousands of years ago... should bet the Archon Wars, I guess? Or it might be Abyss-related.) 

Yashiori Island, Musoujin Gorge: “According to the legend, the strike that brought and end to the serpent god was slashed right here. In this deep canyon that runs through Yashiori Island, the remnant reverberations of lightning bolts continue to this day, as if the thunder elves are still chattering about the legendary scene that tore through the sky and the earth thousands of years ago.”

(Hang on!! This serpent was killed thousands of years ago?! So then Ba’al wasn’t the one who did it? Or else, is she much older than her reign as Archon?) 

Serpent’s Head: “According to the legend, the giant serpent that once ventured into the deep sea was finally slain on Yashiori Island.”

(Interesting note about the deep sea. When hyping up a kaijuu’s credentials, you’d normally say they came from the deep sea, so this point about the serpent going there should be implying something about the... corruption and old gods lurking there?) 

Most notable part is the serpent killing, island splitting timeline. Is it really like that, or am I misunderstanding? 

--------------

Artifact sets: 

Shimenawa's Reminiscence

Belonged to a human shrine maiden named Kanade, who trained under the Kitsune Saiguu. 

Confirming that Lady Saiguu was a “mighty kitsune.” At the very least, she was not entirely human, perhaps not human at all. 

She had a tobacco pipe that she sometimes knocked people on the head with. 

“Everything in the world is entangled. Hence, illusory visions were born out of concrete reality. The so-called omamori cannot make one's wishes come true at all, but they can make them eternal through this entanglement." (vis a vis eternity and also her memories leaving such a deep impression on the land that Kazari was born.) 

Regarding people affected by Lady Saiguu’s passing: “The Great Tengu went into self-imposed exile, enraged at her own incompetence as the Lady Saiguu's protector, leaving Teruyo behind. Harunosuke left for another country amid the fury of his mourning, while Nagamasa joined the Shogunate to clear the Mikoshi name. As for the man who taught me archery in the sacred forest and patiently listened to my naÏve promise under the scarlet sakura boughs, he will eventually return to me, even if he were to be blinded by splattered blood, or turned into a fierce beast by that dark defilement...” 

Regarding the time while Kanade was at the shrine: During this time, even someone as inhuman as the mighty Yougou Tengu has gotten a daughter. Even that leatherhead Konbumaru has also become one of the Shogun's own Hatamoto, and shall soon marry the daughter of a high-ranking samurai. "Such a lovely kid. Even the great Yougou Tengu, who used to kill all day for fun, had the mother inside her brought out... just a little."

(Based on a later comment, Konbumaru had some kind romantic thing with Kanade?) 

About memories: "No... it means that the person you're missing will be lucky enough to become a part of your memories forever." That's why you have to be strong and must live on for a long, long time. Even if all the people you cherish are gone, as long as you are still alive, The time you spent with them will never perish...

About losing memories, per Lady Saiguu: "Life is full of uncertainty. Love is fleeting, and even lasting memories may be lost. Losing one's memory is no different from losing one's life. It is like death amidst darkness eternal."

Emblem of Severed Fate

About the last member of the Mikoshi oni clan, who became “Douin” Iwakura Doukei. 

"Mother had bared her fangs against the Shogun, who had been kind to her and who had given her a treasured sword. In the end, the only thing that was sent back to the Mikoshi Clan was the tsuba of that blade which she had loved so dearly.

“She would make such contributions as to make an eternal name for the ever-thinning blood of the war-oni. If she was engulfed by the pitch-black tiger-beast of sin itself, then she would tear it apart from the inside.“

“But it was stained black in the end, together with her fiercely beating heart...“

The eldest son (a mortal with oni-blood) met a Yougou Tengu girl, who gave him a new family name, Iwakura. 

Her name was Teruyo. His name was Doukei. 

"Thinking back, I changed your name in hopes that you might escape from the curse of the oni bloodline. With that war, non-human blood grows thinner and thinner. Ah well. We should not covet the happy endings that humans enjoy, after all. But you're different. You are now 'Iwakura.' You are no longer the 'Mikoshi' who shoulders the burden of oni blood."

“In the distant past, when Seirai Island had yet to be shrouded by storm clouds, memories would rise and fall like breaths. In the end, the elegant container that contained thunderstorms and tremors could not be handed over to the one to whom it was promised.”

(What’s this??) 

Doukei once repaired a “seal cage” (an inro, a kind of rigid pouch that hangs from the belt) for a Hatamoto. 

This Hatamoto was skilled with a sword but also learned archery from a Tengu. He was a gambler and also had a “sweet wife.” He was also a gambler. He had “terrifying nightmares, in which he cut off his own head...” 

“With his secret sword technique, Tengu Sweeper, Iwakura Doukei became the Kujou Clan's swordsmanship instructor. He also received the title of "Douin" and founded a successful sword school.” (He is then referred to as “Sir Douin.”)

He was contemporaries with the young Kanjou head, Hiiragi Hiroshi. 

"With your sword, even Ako Domeki of Seirai would be no match..."

(More people for the 500 years ago gang.) 

---------------

Weapon materials:

Coral Branch 

Watatsumi Island is the furthest from Narukami Island in the Inazuman island chain, and its name means "the god of the oceans" in the island's ancient tongue. Legend has it that when the great serpent first arose within the abyssal nation of ever-night, its fluorescent body was covered in myriad-colored coral.

This coral cannot be found anywhere in Teyvat, but was a gift that the great serpent obtained when it broke into the Dark Sea. 

Fleeing into the Dark Sea, the god that had lost everything met the abandoned people who had nothing within the ocean depths. Thus it elected to remain and become their "Orobashi no Mikoto," their "Watatsumi Omikami."

It is said that the great snake god once broke off all the coral branches on its body to give light to the children who were curled up in the darkness. They also say that it used these coral branches to create a huge ladder to allow those children to once again reach the surface and see the light of day.

And it was also because the serpent god now had people who worshiped it that it stayed in the world it should have long fled, breaking off the coral branches that adorned its body, treading upon land where it should not have, and facing a foe it could never hope to match — till at last, its divine form was sundered along with the mountains, its ichor turned into plasma, and its will and power became a curse that could never be extinguished: Tatarigami.

Lots of interesting points coming together here. The Tatarigami was previously the deity of Watatsumi “Orobashi no Mikoto.” Probably, the old tensions between Narukami and Sangonomiya that Ayaka mentioned are because the Electro Archon (based on Narukami) killed the Tatarigami. 

The Watatsumi gained power from the “Dark Sea” (probably the Abyss, or connected to it), but it willingly gave away that power for the sake of “abandoned people” in the ocean’s depths. This is probably Kokomi’s ancestors. 

Narukami tomoe 

Ba’al insights: 

In the past, the ancients would climb the peak now known as Mt. Yougou and bend wood that had been charred by lightning into a hook to offer as an effigy unto the thundering force that lit up the skies and shook the earth. This shape would eventually become the "Electro Mitsudomoe" symbol, symbolizing the favor, wisdom, and might of Electro, and also the people who represent these values.

In the monster-filled tales of the ancient past, those who were deeply trusted by the Shogun would bear talismans with this hooked design on their person, and just as the word "commission" means to "joyfully serve" in the old tongue, those who received her favor would return it with love and loyalty. Yet, after a certain point in time, nothing would be as it was before.

All demons who wander in the wilderness or live amongst mortals will be attracted by the sight of the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, represented by the Electro Mitsudomoe. Though their lives may be longer than any creature, they will at last come to their end. If those with limited lifespans hanker after eternity, then they can only pray that "Eternity" remembers them. And she did indeed answer their prayers, remembering them all, friend and foe alike, in her heart. No matter whether it was the demon owls who resided amidst the fog and ripped through the skies, the bake-danuki who dared to trespass her imperial gardens, or that female oni, lovely as the moon and mighty in battle, yet who would eventually come to blows with her... Whether it was the tengu who soared on dark wings or the Kitsune Saiguu who once walked by her side, but who eventually disappeared forever... These countless tales have come to rest within her heart, and someday, they will surely shine again in the eternal paradise of her dreams.

The treasure of the lord of thunder is her majesty, and that majesty is embodied in her valor and wrath. Her wrath comes from the love that persists in her heart, and her valor supports that anger. Thus, whomsoever should block the path towards eternity or lay a finger on Inazuma's people shall become her foe. They say that there were four great spirits, three divine foxes, and two great swords — but that the symbol of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho, could only be a single strike, unsurpassed and brilliant as a meteor.

Oni mask

Holy shit, the rarest mask had like five paragraphs of lore alone. 

There was an oni named Torachiyo, who would eventually betray the Shogun and revolt, becoming shorn of an arm and a horn in the battle before fleeing and slaying itself in a fit of furious madness. He once shattered the Shogun’s naginata with a single bite.

The oni nursemaids tell is differently: "He was once a beloved lieutenant of the Shogun, and he followed her into the dark abyssal realms to repel the defiled ones, winning renown for the oni, whose blood thinned with each passing day.”

“Chiyo, a warrior of the oni tribe with the Electro Mitsudomoe emblem emblazoned on her back, was once swallowed whole by a beast from beyond this world that had a tiger's body and a serpent's tail while holding back the forces of darkness. At last, she tore the creature's innards apart from within, breaking free.”

OG Torachiyo was actually female: “This is the origin of the phrase "Chiyo the Tiger-Bite," and would be changed over many years to "Torachiyo."”

“But within the belly of the beast, she was stained by a deep sin and saw her comrades ripped to shreds by those blood-red teeth. Steeped in darkness as far as the eye could see, she would eventually draw her sword upon the Almighty Narukami Ogosho.” 

So this is Iwakura Doukei’s mother. She lost her sanity due to corruption from the Abyss. 

“Or perhaps she even met the oni-masked, sword-bearing doll near the corpse of the giant serpent, and there ended her life's journey.” (It’s Maguu Kenki! It’s older than 500 years.) 

“Few among those who fought against the abyss in those days were spared pitch-dark dreams. Those who slew monsters and then became them were hardly the minority. The border between worlds grows fragile, and corruption of this kind is perhaps not merely monodirectional.” 

---------

Weapons: 

Mistsplitter Reforged

"Arataki of the Front Gate, Iwakura the Successor, Kitain the Serpent, Takamine the Mistsplitter." 

Takamine was the user of this sword. 

He also learned archery from the Yougou Tengu, and passed that knowledge on to a person he loved. At the end of his life, he assumed the position of one of the Shogun's yoriki and fought against a dark army.

"Asase, our promise... No, say rather our great bet. I will not lose it, not for the world!"

The sword broke into a thousand pieces as he fought this battle. 

The yet unreleased bow Thundering Pulse also belonged to this guy. It confirms that Konbumaru is also his name. He was taken as a servant of the Tengu after a bet and learned archery from them then. 

This means he is the guy Iwakura Doukei mentions in the Emblem artifact set. This would also make him Kanade’s love interest. I suppose Asase would be her family name. 

(Also, Thundering Pulse’s last lines are brutal. Mistsplitter mentions how he clung to the wager to return, clutching at his broken sword’s hilt... “The lone returnee who came stumbling back from the abyss finally met the shrine maiden again, though by now she could no longer be called young. Dull eyes stained with dried blood and tears regained their radiance, but were pierced through by a barbed arrow glowing with power.” Bullshit!!! You can’t do this to me!) 

[revchainsaw]

Buffy: the Vampire Slayer (1997)

Season 1

Hello and Welcome back my creepy congregation! We will be taking todays service from the Big Screen into your living room for our first Personal Devotional. That's Right! We're reviewing full seasons of television series now and what better way to bring the spirit of the genre film to the idiots lantern that with the 90s Television sensation and all around love letter to the horror genre, Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

The Message

Regardless of how one may feel about Mr. Whedon we can't deny how much we love Buffy Summers and the Kids who live and die in Sunnydale! Season one of Buffy was a spin off/reboot of the earlier film and an attempt by Whedon to course correct the franchise by breathing a little charm and attention into the subject matter.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 1) focuses on Buffy Summers, a not so typical California high school student who, due to the events of the movie, has been relocated to Sunnydale High. Buffy is not just a cute, athletic, teenage girl looking to enjoy the prime of her life, though she is those things, she is also the Slayer, an anointed warrior who has been reincarnated throughout the generations to protect our vulnerable weak human world from the forces of evil; particularly Vampires. Buffy is a sort of supernatural Captain America, that is a peak human being, but instead of Nazi Science she was born with her powers.

Joining Buffy are; High School outcasts Willow and Xander (a nerd and a nice guy respectively), The ridiculously sexy librarian Rupert Giles (her mentor, guardian, high school librarian, and all around precious papa bear), Jenny Calendar (a technopagan computer teacher armed with all the mystery an ignorant 90s boomer could attribute to the internet), Angel (Spoiler: He's a Vampire, but he's a good guy. A hunky, broody, good guy vampire love interest), and her loving but entirely oblivious mother. The Scoobies as they have come to be called aid Buffy in her quest to protect Sunnydale from Dark Forces.

And Speaking of those Dark Forces, they are primarily vampires, led by the Master; an ancient vampire who resembles to some degree Nosferatu and a Bat, a look that Guillermo Del Toro would later perfect in his own series the Strain. The Master seeks to fulfill an ancient prophecy that would open the Hellmouth (a portal to hell, exactly what it sounds like) and free him in order that he and his kind should conquer the world.

The first season is fairly short consisting of the following adventures.

1. Welcome to the Hellmouth - Buffy moves to Sunnydale seeking to leave her Vampire ways behind, but the vampires just won't let her catch a break.

2. The Harvest - Vampire Shenanigans continues. Buffy learns of the Master.

3. Witch - A fellow Cheerleader is possessed by her witchy mom.

4. Teachers Pet - Buffy vs Giant Mantis

5. Never Kill a Boy on the First Date - Buffy vs the Anointed One (Not Really)

6. The Pack - Buffy vs Hyena Possessed High School Bullies

7. Angel - Buffy vs Angel but actually Darla

8. I, Robot ... you, Jane - Buffy vs Internet Demon

9. The Puppet Show - Buffy and Sid the Dummy vs Organ Harvesting Demon

10. Nightmares - Buffy has bad dreams

11. Out of Mind, Out of Sight - Buffy vs Invisible Nerd

12. Prophecy Girl - Buffy vs The Master (also Buffy Dies)

Overall the short season, while not allowing for too much world building, kept the show to a format that allowed very little filler. So although we mostly only get vampires as villains, we don't have enough time to really be bored of it. Some of the shows dynamics and cultural concerns definitely date the series but overall Season 1 of Buffy is definitely not a difficult watch, and can be enjoyed over and over again.

Let's get to the Benediction:

Best Character: Slay Girl, Slay!

As far as season one goes the titular Buffy Summers is the best character. Sarah Michelle Gellar is absolutely charismatic in the lead role and though at times she may seem selfish or reckless it makes perfect sense for the character. The character is allowed to be weak, to be selfish, and to be unlikeable. She avoids the foibles of a Luke Skywalker or a Harry Potter. She joins the ranks of primary protagonists who are not constantly outshined by their supporting cast. I believe when Buffy is sad, I believe when she throws a punch, I believe she struggles with her destiny. The only thing I don't believe is how ditsy she let's on.

Best Actor: Head's Up!

Anthony Stewart Head. Head as Giles is just fantastic. His balance of frustration with Buffy and genuinely parental concern is heartwarming and absolutely makes Giles one of the warmest father figures in television history.

Best Episode: A 'Master'ful Finale

It all builds up to Prophecy Girl and for good reason. Television shows often have mini-finale's at the end of their first seasons because the teams behind the series are not sure they will have a chance to tell more of their story. For that reason you can see just the first season of most television series and feel like you've heard the whole deal. I wish this habit was kept up in other seasons as we wouldn't still be wondering what the hell happened to Joel at the end of the Santa Clarita Diet. Buffy is no exception to this phenomenon and therefor attempted to tie up much of it's narrative in Prophecy Girl. While that often means big bads will be dispatched, I think it's a small price to pay for not winding up in a cliff hanger. Buffy and Giles just shine in this episode, Angel is given a more heroic role, Willow finally values herself as she should and Xander stops being a fucking horrible human being for once. This episode really satisfies in all areas.

Best Villain: Sweet, Sweetheart Killer

It's such a shame that Darla was killed so early on in the franchise. She is such a great presence on the screen that she overshadows all the villains that play alongside her, even the Master. I would have loved to have seen an alternate season where she offs the old coot and assumes the role of big bad much like Spike does in Season 2. Lucky for everyone that Darla is featured throughout the show in flashbacks and I hear she is even resurrected in Angel. Also, for Scott Pilgrim fans I feel like she and Envy Adams are very much sympatico. Maybe if they reboot Buffy all my dreams will come true.

I'd also like to take this time to recommend the song Angels and Darlas by Say Hi! It's pretty good.

Best Monster Design: Internet Troll!

While I can't speak for where the money in Season 1 of Buffy went, I can say that at least some decent cash was spent on both the forms of Moloch the Corruptor from the Episode "I, Robot ... You, Jane". Moloch was pretty wicked looking as a machine toward the end of the episode, he looked like a Mortal Kombat villain, but it's the green scales and ram horns the actor is sporting at the beginning of the episode that really catches the eye. In fact, I'm feeling compelled to hunt down any Moloch the Corruptor merch that may be out there on the internet. It's certainly no mystery why the demon's face is featured prominently in the theme song. It just looks great! Good job to the make up department there.

Most WTF moment: "Pack"s a Punch on Principle

While not the greatest episode in season one "the Pack" is certainly worth the watch if for no other reason than the horror is kicked up when a group of high school students under the influence of a malevolent Hyena God, decide that the School Mascot is not enough to satisfy their bloodlust turn on the principal, and yes, THEY EAT HIM. I remember being completely caught of guard the first time I saw that scene, and it kickstarted the running gag of Sunnydale high principles meeting their demise in horrific ways.

Worst Character: No More Mr. Nice Guy

When I was in college I often felt bad for Xander. The funny guy who just had no luck with women. He was sarcastic but had a big heart, and used a horny gimmick to mask his loneliness, or so I thought. But now I am older, I am wiser, I have known the touch of another human being and I have to say that Xander Harris is a really scummy fellow. I don't remember thinking so poorly and I wonder if the character develops a more nuanced view of women as the show goes on. As it stands there's barely a point in the series that Xander does not view the female cast as objects for him to enjoy or be embittered towards for one reason or another. It's not charming, it's foul. Xander Harris of season one is absolutely a terrorist attack waiting to happen, if Buffy had happened today it would be much more concerning to see someone so embittered, horny, and entitled to womens time and energy as Xander Harris. Dude is one step away from pulling an Elliot Rogers. Calm down buddy and maybe actually listen to a woman and you may find you aren't as much of a 'nice guy' as you think.

Worst Episode(s): If you're not first ...

It's a toss up on this one. Season One of Buffy is actually so short and concise that the 'Monster of the Week' episodes will have to be up for grabs as the worst episode by default, but even they are pretty watchable and don't warrant the vitriol a "worst" dub usually entails. I'd say there is not a worst episode of season one, just some episodes that aren't as good as the rest. In that vain, take your pick from "Witch", "Out of Mind, Out of Sight", or "The Puppet Show". However, I'd be doing a disservice to those episodes not to mention that each one of them takes what could just be a basic Buffy Vs (insert Villain), and does something unique and interesting with the idea. The villain of "Witch" actually turns out to be a has been cheerleader actually possessing the body of her innocent daughter to relive her glory years, The Invisible Girl is actually the victim of social cruelty, her peers disinterest in her manifesting in her condition becoming quite literal and she is picked up by the military in the end, then the Puppet show, well, it's just about the stupidest most absurd thing that could possibly happen and it's completely unafraid of that fact.

Summary:

Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Season 1) is not the most groundbreaking TV, but it is absolutely evident why the show was such a phenomenon. Season 1 is particularly rewatchable. It does not demand too much investment or attention, but it will get it from you, especially on a first viewing. It's not afraid to take itself absolutely seriously or to plant it's tongue firmly in it's cheeks. It is to a degree a product of it's time, but in many other aspects feels timeless.

Overall Grade: B

[iwillsinkwithmyships]

The Love I Meant to Say 1/3

Steve Rogers was found much earlier, so was Bucky Barnes, and since the two of them had nowhere to go, Howard Stark took them in. Now the night of Tony's graduation fights occur, misunderstandings happen, and everyone ends broken-hearted. Canon AU.

A/N: Hi! This is my very first Marvel Fic, this has been floating around my head in my head for a long time. It was actually supposed to be part of the WinterIronShield Big Bang 2019, but I am not complete sure what happened, so I decided to just publish it as it is. This all occurs in the 90's, Tony is 21 and graduating from MIT, the boys can't communicate well and shit hits the fan. Kudos and comments welcomed!

Titles taken from the TV Show SMASH, mostly second season songs, since that's all I listened to while writing this.

Chapter 1: Sorry, that's the word I want to sing to you...

To say that Tony Stark had a strange life was the understatement of the century. He was the only son of weapons manufacturer Howard Stark and socialite Maria Stark nee Carbonell. At the age of four he had built his first circuit board At the age of 15 he began attending MIT and now at the age of 21 he had just graduated at the top of his class with a two Masters and a Doctorate. The young Stark internally sighed as he pretended to listen to whichever one of the board member that his dad had invited to his graduated party. His job at this event was to grin and bear as his parents paraded him around like some trophy to show off. He was no better than the expensive painting his mother purchased to show to her friends, no better than some article written about the empire his father had built.

Tony sighed and shook his head, there he went being the drama queen his father always called him. He just had to endure this party and then he'd be free to go celebrate with his friends. They were his favorite part about MIT. Rhodey had been his assigned roommate and had quickly became his best friend, his brother. He was always patient with him and his constant engineering binges. He kept people who would take advantage of the dumb young Stark kid and introduced him to his other best friend: Carol Danvers. Carol was a sarcastic, stubborn asshole. Which meant she and Tony got along like two peas in a pod. Rhodey liked to complain that he was a babysitter for the two of them but when it came down to it Rhodey was just as bad as the two of them, and he always covered for them. He came back to himself and realized that Old Guy McBoring was still talking...jeez...

He excused himself and found his way to the garden, surely they couldn't miss him for a couple of minutes...

"Leaving your own party huh? I don't think your mom will be too happy about that tomorrow." Tony startled and turned only to get the breath knocked out of his lungs. There stood another inexplicable part of Tony's life.

When he was just three years old his father had returned from one of his usual long trips with a surprise for Tony. That surprised had turned out to be Captain America himself, who after being suspended in ice a for almost thirty years was still alive thanks to the Super Soldier Serum. Steve Rogers had introduced himself to Tony by coming down to little Tony's level with a kind smile and a warm hand extended for a handshake. Tony had loved Steve instantly and followed him around like a lost puppy. Tony still remembers being a six year old and sitting in his huge library reading with Steve. Steve who never raised his voice at him and always answered all of Tony's questions with patience and a kind voice. Steve had been one of Tony's favorite people together with Jarvis and Aunt Peggy.

Years after that, Sergeant James "Bucky" Barnes had been found. No one had ever explained to Tony what had happened to Bucky, only that he needed to give him space. Tony had been 10 at the time, but he still remember the hunted look in Bucky's eyes, the way he seemed to lean on Steve for support and it had taken no hesitation on his part to go over and introduce himself. Steve had been alarmed and had looked at Tony with wide panicked eyes when he had burst into Steve's wing of the house. Tony remembers seeing Bucky tense and looking at him with wary eyes, but Tony also remembered how much it meant to him to have another friend besides Jarvis and Ana. So Tony vowed to become Sergeant Barnes's friend.

So a determined Tony had walked into the wing his father had given Steve and did what he always did while visiting Steve. He'd babbled. He had first introduced himself - because his mother and Jarvis had raised him to be polite - and then launched into a long description of what he'd done while Steve had been gone all the while throwing himself onto the couch across Steve and his friend were sitting. For some reason that had worked and soon Tony had found himself visiting the two heroes he had grown up listening stories about, first from Howard and later on from Steve, who had mainly focused on all the shenanigans he and his best friend had gotten up to, and soon Sergeant Barnes became Bucky.

And so Tony had grown up with Captain America and his Trusty Sidekick Bucky Barnes - Bucky doesn't exactly love being called the sidekick and so the Steve and Tony love to tease him about it - and at some point that hero worship had transformed into an embarrassing crush on the two super soldiers. Tony is smart enough to recognize that it was inevitable. After all, the two of them were the peak of human perfection and he knew from personal experience that they were also incredibly smart, kind and hilarious. It hadn't really surprised Tony when they'd told him that they were a couple, since the two of them just...made sense. It still didn't stop him from blushing every time he saw them nowadays.

It was mortifying.

"Hey!" good god his voice cracked! "I didn't see you guys come in!" Both men smiled at him fondly and all Tony could do was hope their heightened senses didn't let them hear his damn heartbeat.

"If you think we are subjecting ourselves to those vultures, you don't know us at all Tones." Bucky drawled as he joined Tony at the bench he was sitting at and threw an arm over his shoulders, "I love you, but I am not subjecting myself to that." Tony relaxed a little as he laughed and turned to Steve who sat on his other side.

"We wanted to congratulate you, but I also didn't want to take the focus from you. This party is to celebrate your accomplishments." Tony rolled his eyes.

"This party is so that Dad can brag to his friend about how smart his son is," Tony tried for a bored tone but the pinched look that the two older man got was clue enough that he'd failed, "But I'm used to it so don't worry about it. So what did you get me?!" He finished excitedly.

"And who says we got your spoiled ass anything you punk." Bucky slapped the back of his head as Tony laughed.

"Please! You guys love me! Plus, we both know that Captain Goody-Two Shoes would not show up to my party without a gift, so hand it over!"

"If you are going to make fun of me because I am polite then maybe I shouldn't give it to you," the Captain grumbled. Bucky and Tony both laughed at him as he pulled out a small box even as he spoke. Tony took it from him and opened it. Inside lay a necklace with an oddly shaped pendant. It had a beautiful gem at the base and an intricate design going down, it reminded Tony of something but he couldn't think of what.

"It's beautiful," he murmured, raising his eyes to meet two warm stares.

"We are glad you like it," said Bucky and then he got up and walked back into the house, not a minute later he was back with a large ornate box. "We were really hoping you did otherwise this would be awkward."

"What he's trying to say," huffed Steve, and pulled a necklace from under his dress shirt it look pretty similar to the one they'd given him, "is that it is part of a whole. You have always been a part of us Tony, a really important part. You were there when I was shoved into a new decade and learned everything alongside me, and you were there when I got Bucky back." He grabbed a hold of Bucky's hand and held it in that way Tony had always seen, like he was afraid he'd disappear at any time. Tony ignored the now familiar pang on his chest. "You helped me get him back from somewhere really dark and scary, and we will never be able to repay all that to you."

"Guys-"

"Sweetheart," Bucky said softly taking hold of one of his hands. "If the next words out of your mouth are something about how you didn't do anything then you are not nearly as bright as we all give you credit for." Steve laughed at the indignant look in Tony's face.

"Anyways, back to what I was saying, you are important to us and we can't picture a future without you, and we hope we don't have to. Bucky and I, we've lost so much to time that...it scares us to not have anything to remember the things we love the most. So, we thought we could do kind of a time capsule of sorts. Something that the three of us can come together to look at and reminiscence." Steve took of the necklace around his neck, and Tony noticed that Bucky was doing the same thing. Steve took Bucky's necklace, gently plied Tony's from his hand and put the three together.

"It's a key," Tony gasped. Steve smiled and used the key - secret key! - to open the box in Bucky's hands.

"We were hoping to make plans to meet later this week to get together and put in things that have brought the three of us together," said Bucky. "We already have ours, but we figured you'd need some time to decide." Tony nodded absently as he looked at the items already in the box. There were drawings Tony had worked on with Steve in his younger years, a small hat that Bucky had knit him years ago and that he'd thought lost, books they had read together. The first circuit board Tony had built, which until today Tony had thought his father had thrown away. And a cassette with songs that Ana liked to play while her and baked. Tony remembers being 15 and humming along to all the songs in this cassette as he followed Ana's instructions to making a pie. His parents had been away on a trip, having forgotten that Tony was coming home for the holidays, but Jarvis and Ana had not. They had stayed for him - despite Howard's protests - and invited Steve and Bucky, who had moved out of the Stark Mansion around the same time Tony left for MIT, and Aunt Peggy. Tony's vision blurred as he saw pictures, drawings, and other seemingly insignificant things that represented some of Tony's best memories.

"I don't - I don't know what to say this is..."

"Just say thank you honey," Steve said with a chuckle and ran his fingers through Tony's curls.

"Yeah, look, let;s get together this weekend and we can pick a place to bury this thing." Tony let out a chocked laugh, and closed the box again, while setting it next to him. He threw his arms around Bucky, who didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around him too, and felt the familiar warmth of Steve behind him as he joined them in a hug, and this was Tony's favorite place in the world, being held in their arms he felt safe, warm and loved.

"Tony?" Tony jumped away from the two super-soldiers in surprised - he decided to ignore the upset look on the two other men as he leaped back - and relaxed when he recognized the person that had interrupted them.

"Obie!" Tony ran and over to his Godfather. The other man laughed and threw his arms around the younger man. "I thought you were on a trip!"

"What?! You thought I'd miss your graduation party. Please, and look, I even got you a present." Obadiah handed Tony a wrapped package

"What is this?"

"This my dear boy... is the future, but you'll probably want to open that later, I see that you are otherwise engage at the moment, gentlemen." Obie finished with a smile and an extended hand towards Steve and Bucky. In their end Steve and Bucky returned Obadiah 's greeting politely. Steve and Bucky had never really warmed up to Obadiah, something that Tony had never understood. Obadiah had always interested in seeing Tony's new inventions and thoughts on the future for Stark Industries. He'd even visited him while he'd been at MIT and walk though all of his projects with Tony.

Yet, Steve and Bucky remained distantly polite.

"Mr. Stane, good to see you again," Steve said while giving Obadiah's hand a quick shake. Bucky simply nodded.

"The future?" Bucky drawled with nod towards Tony and the package in his hand.

"Yes," Obie said, smile firmly in place, "Tony mentioned that he was interested in advancing medicine, and I found some notes by some of Medicine's top researchers. Figured our Tony here would like to see where we currently stand in medical advances."

"Thanks Obie! I'll take a look at it tonight," and with that he put his present away. His hands itched to open it and start reading it, but he'd understood Obie's hidden warning.

For the past 6 months, Tony had asked Obie to look for whispered legend, a project called EXTREMIS, research into bio-mechanics that Tony wanted to help with. To try and understand it and use it to find the cure to many incurable diseases. He knew that if he could take a look at the data he could help unlock it. The researcher, Maya Hansen, had suddenly gone underground and Tony had been unable to reach her, but if anyone could find her it would be Obie. So he'd asked Obie for help, and in exchanged Obie had only asked for opinions and improvements into some designs. However, he knew that there were rumors running around that EXTREMIS was another go at the Super Soldier Serum that had given Steve, and later on Bucky, their abilities. Tony could not be less interested in that, he just wanted to help people.

"Well I'll go inside and greet tonight's guests. It's only a matter of minutes before Howard comes and takes me away anyway. Gentlemen," he nodded towards the other two men, and clapped a hand on Tony's shoulder, "Tony, again congratulations. I hope you enjoy my present and let me know if you have any questions." Tony hugged Obie in thanks one more time and watched him walk back inside, but when he turned he saw the two soldier glare at Obie's back.

"Ok, what is it with you two against Obie?" Tony asked exasperated.

"We just don't trust him doll," Bucky said, not even trying to defend himself and Steve, "And you shouldn't either."

"Why not?" Tony warily asked, "do you guys know something I don't?" Obie had never been anything but kind and understanding with Tony, but if Steve and Bucky knew something...

"No," Steve replied this time, "no, Tony, we just.... have this gut feeling, and we'd rather you didn't really associate yourself with him.

A gut feeling...Seriously?

"Wha- A Gut feeling?! Steve, you and Bucky are just being overly protective for no reason. Obie has always looked out for me and he has never given me a reason to mistrust him. I am not going to just not talk to my Godfather because you and Bucky-bear here have a gut feeling that he might not be a great guy." Tony snarked with an eye roll.

"Tony" Steve warned with a slightly hurt look, that immediately made Tony feel guilty.

"We are just looking out for you kid," And wow, Bucky should not have said that, because now Tony was right back to angry, "we don't want you to be taken advantage of by some shark."

"Why? Because I am just some dumb kid, that doesn't know how to look out for himself? I need you two as babysitters?" he spit back.

"That is not what we are saying Tony," Steve said sternly, and he seemed to want to drop the fight, but his partner looked ready to put Tony over his knee and spank him for being a brat...and wasn't that an image.

'Focus, you dumb slut,' a voice that sounded suspiciously like Carol's said in his head.

"Stop twisting our words, you know that's now what I meant. This is not about you, it's about Obadiah Stane being nothing but a snake oil salesman, who will not hesitate to drop you the minute you stop being useful to him!" came the growl, and Tony saw red, he couldn't even stop the word vomit that came from his mouth.

"Oh that's rich coming fro the two of you! You two split the moment I was accepted to MIT and not once did you try to contact me. Not a call, or letter, or much less a fucking visit! I only saw you whenever I came over back home to visit which was maybe once a year! You know who did visit? OBIE! Obie was there for me, he called me regularly to check on me, made sure I was comfortable, came in and listen to me babble about robots for hours! And I am suppose to not trust him?!" Tony swiped a hand through his face and ignored the slight wetness in his eyes, because he was not crying like a fucking baby.

"Tony," Steve croaked, and when Tony turned back he saw that the other two men looked pale and stricken, "Tony we just...Tony we had already taken so much of your childhood, we didn't want to impose on your college experience too. Jesus, Tony is not because we don't love you!" Steve walked towards him and dragged him back into the bench, where the two men he loved carefully wrapped him back into their arms.

"Tony," Bucky said and paused to press a kiss to his forehead, "I am so sorry, if we made you feel like we...didn't care, God, that's the furthest thing from the truth. We just wanted to give you the space and not feel...smothered. You were in college with people closer to you age and who are almost as smart as you and we didn't want to ruin that for you." Steve hummed in agreement and raised one of Tony's hands to his mouth to give it a kiss.

"I was lonely, all the other kids wanted nothing to do with some weird 15-year-old rich boy. Hell, half of them thought I had bought my way in." The arms around him tightened, "but then Rhodey came and he brought Carol with him, and Carol has this girlfriend Maria, and then I wasn't alone. But I still missed you guys. It kinda felt like you were done with the snotty little kid that wouldn't leave you alone."

"Honey, no. We missed you too."

"Those times that we saw you? During the holidays? Those were precious to us, we were so glad to have you back if even for a little while."

"SHIELD just about lost it every time we denied missions just to come over and see you." Tony's heart warmed and he closed his eyes letting their reassurances wash over him. This was where he wanted to spend the rest of his life, in their arms feeling loved....

"Why don't you open you present? You seemed really excited earlier, let's see what you got." The way Steve had said it, so casually, could've fooled anyone. It sounded bright, optimistic, and just the right amount of curious. But Tony had known Steve for years, he'd known him and Bucky better than he knew himself...

...which is why it hurt when he saw the lie in his eyes. He wasn't simply changing the subject, he was lying to see what was in the package.

'Liar!' came the thought full of pain and disbelief.

"I think I'm good actually." He bit out coldly while he ripped himself away from them.

"Sweetheart," Bucky tried.

"Are you serious? You think I can't tell when you are lying?! You really think I am that stupid?!"

"Of course not! Tony we meant everything we said and you are the smartest person we know! But the world isn't kind to kind-hearted people like you, and I am sorry that you can't see that we are just trying to protect you!" Steve was on his feet and Bucky followed at a slower pace.

"Tony," Bucky sternly took over, "you know we think the world of you, and we would gladly lay down our life for you. And you are right, you know us, you've known us for a long time. So you know that we mean it when we say we love you and we just want to protect you...just like we know when you are hiding something from us. So just tell us, tells us what it is that Stane has you working on, and if it's something dangerous, let us help you."

"Are you listening to yourselves? You sound insane right now! What Obie has me working on? I am not working on anything for him! Yes, I do give input on some designs but that's insignificant, and what does it matter if I do anyway, I am going to be designing for SI soon enough!" Tony was surprised no one had come out with how loud they were being, but it was for the best. Steve and Bucky had a wild look in their face and Tony couldn't stop the angry tears in his eyes. It was humiliating.

"Then what did Obadiah just give you?!" Bucky asked accusingly and pointed at the package.

"Tony we are not stupid either, stop lying to us!" Steve yelled, and yanked him closer by the arm...and that broke Tony. Steve and Bucky had never hurt or yelled at Tony. They always treated him gently, spoke in measured volumes, because they suspected his parents didn't extend him that courtesy. Tony loved them for it. And now...

"Stop it," Tony sobbed, "you are hurting me, please..."

Steve let him go as if he'd been burned, Bucky took a step back. The anger washed out of the captain and his sergeant quickly and left behind wide eyes and pale faces.

"Tony," Steve croaked brokenly, "I am so sorry!"

"Yeah, you've been saying that a lot tonight," Tony said as he brought his arm closer to himself.

"What is going on in here?!" Someone had finally heard them.

"Nothing Jarvis," Tony said hollowly, "This conversation is over." With that he ran towards the exit ignoring the calls for his name. He should meet Rhodey and Carol anyway.

[savvysass]

Self Sacrafice is a Bitch: Chapter 1

Ao3

-

SO this is my first Marvel Fic! It’s gonig to be really long and a fix it fic, so hang on tight!

Comments are greatly appreciated! Give me advice on what to do and I might give you a sneak peak at the story!

Rating:Not Rated Archive Warning:Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Category:Gen Fandoms:Marvel Cinematic UniverseSpider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types Relationships:Peter Parker & Tony StarkPeter Parker & Morgan Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe)peter parker & all the avengersPepper Potts/Tony StarkMay Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter ParkerMichelle Jones/Peter ParkerNed Leeds & Peter Parker Characters:Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Steve Rogers, Happy Hogan, May Parker, Michelle Jones, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Thor (Marvel), Peter Quill, Wanda Maximoff, James "Bucky" Barnes, Bruce Banner, Helen Cho, Nick Fury, Flash Thompson, everyone else who i forgot, its literally everyone i swear Additional Tags:endgame fix it fic, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Whump, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Near Death Experiences, Recovery, Amputation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, probably more than i remember Language:English Series:Part 1 of the Too Young to Die series Stats:Published:2019-09-09 Updated:2019-09-09 Words:2128 Chapters:1/? So Peter does the snap. Tony is not happy. He lives though, but barely. This is the road to recovery. Idk how often I'll update this, but for now I'm on a roll.

.

.

.

He feels like he’s floating.

It’s familiar, Tony thinks. The feeling of being nowhere. It’s not discomforting though. It’s as if a peaceful emptiness has taken him over, and he is simply floating in a realm of quiet existence.

He feels a warm pressure coming from somewhere, a muffled voice calling to him. It’s familiar, and he clings to it.

With great effort, he pulls himself into consciousness, Pepper’s relieved face looking down at him as he wakes up.

“Pep?” He slurs, noticing the taste of metal in his mouth. Medicine, he assumes.

“Hey Tony… You’re okay.”

He tries to sit up, and the weakness of his body brings him back to reality.

“Here take this… You find him and put that on and you hide.”

The words replay as he remembers tearing out his arc reactor and handing it to Steve, venom on his tongue.

That’s right.

Thanos.

Thanos had won.

Tony groaned as he placed his head in his hands, grief coiling around his heart like a snake.

Half the universe.

Half of existence.

His kid.

A sob works his way out of his throat.

“Tony…”

“How could this happen, Pep? How could… I was supposed to-”

“You did the best you could, Honey-”

“I lost the kid.”

Pepper takes in a breath.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“He was in my arms- begging me to save him. His last words were ‘I’m sorry’ because of course they were, right? The kid was always saying sorry over the littlest things.”

Pepper wiped a tear from his cheek. He didn’t even realize he was crying.

“They are going to Thanos. They are going to get the stones to fix this.”

Tony let the words sink in as he looked up at her.

“They will fix it, Tony. They will fix it.”

Tony simply closed his eyes and prayed they did.

-

“We can’t fix it, Tony.”

The words cut through him like a knife.

Steve stood before him, Natasha and Rhodey by his side. The grief in their eyes was almost tangible it was so strong, and Tony felt his last shred of hope shatter at the sight of them.

His kid, along with half the universe, was gone.

It was over.

He took a breath.

“When we lose, we really lose… don’t we Rogers?” He whispered, his voice cracking. He wanted it to sound hateful, but the sadness that had consumed him outweighed even the bitterness he felt.

“Tony-” Steve started, but Tony held his hand up to stop him.

“Pepper, get Happy. We are leaving.”

Natasha stepped forward, reaching towards him “Tony we-”

“NO!” He screamed as he slapped her hand away. She recoiled at his touch.

“I’m done.” He whispered. He looked to Pepper, a silent plea to get him away from this place echoing in his eyes.

“I’m done.”

Sorrow consumed him as everyone filed out of the room, Pepper slipping her hand into his as she rang for Happy. Soon everything became a blur.

Without being fully aware of what was going on, he felt himself being ushered into the back seat, Pepper sliding in next to him. Happy turned around, his eyes seeming dull and lifeless as he asked his usual question.

“Where to, sir?”

Tony squeezed Pepper’s hand as he turned away from the compound.

“Anywhere but here.”

…

The drone of voices hummed around him, Tony too distraught to bother to try and hear them. Suddenly Pepper’s hand ran through his hair, and he looked up to see her beautiful eyes staring back at him with both affection and heartbreak.

“We’re here, Tony.” She said softly.

Tony looked around, immediately recognizing where they were. It was a vacation home Pepper had bought. He had told her to buy a house that they could visit to get away every once in a while a few months back, and he had had it all decked out with the best technology while consulting a designer to give it that homey feel that he had always desired in a home- the exact opposite of the modern and sleek look he was used to.

He looked to Pepper in confusion.

“We can live here now.” Pepper said softly. “We can forget about saving the world and Stark Industries here. I know you are hurting, and this is a place to heal. This is a place where we can stay and be happy- Even in this reality. We can have a child, we can make a family. We can make a paradise, even in a world like this.”

Tony looked around, taking in the soft sound of running water and a breath of mountain air.

“We were lucky, Tony. We both made it out alive. Rhodey and Happy did too. I know… I know Peter didn’t, but Peter would want you to move on. He wouldn’t want you to be miserable.”

Her words sunk into Tony’s heart, a fond memory of curly brown locks and an innocent smile bringing a sense of both loss and comfort to his aching soul.

She was right.

Peter would want him to move on.

With the conviction to make a life that he could be proud of, he tucked the familiarity of the teen’s curious and excited aura into a box in the back of his mind, and he stepped forward.

-

5 years later

-

They were out of their minds.

Time travel? Really?

He watched through the window as Steve, Natasha, and that ant guy who’s name he still couldn’t remember pulled away, shaking his head.

They must have been really desperate to suggest something like that. This wasn’t an 80’s movie- This was real life, and real life meant moving on from the snap.

He spent the rest of the day shaking the feeling of discomfort that came with seeing his friends in such a pitiful state, until he was cleaning up dinner.

That was when he saw the picture.

His kid- his first kid- proudly holding an upside-down award for being a stark intern, bunny ears behind both of their heads.

The box he had stuffed Peter’s memories in burst open.

Suddenly thoughts of his kid, spontaneous and sassy, innocent and heroic, came bubbling to the front of his mind, hitting him like a freight train.

All at once, he realized with grim determination, he had to try.

For Peter, he would try anything.

...

By bedtime that night, a successful simulation was staring him in the face.

For the first time in years, he allowed himself to hope.

…

“What was it?” Pepper asked quietly, her book on composting long forgotten.

“Hmm?” Tony hummed, studying his simulation once more.

“Why did you try and do it? You seemed adamant when Steve was here that you would not attempt it. I could tell you were feeling guilty for not trying, but I wasn’t expecting you to give in so fast.”

Tony sighed.

“It was… It was Peter. I saw a picture of Peter in the kitchen. I knew- I knew I had to try… for him.”

Pepper smiled at him sadly.

“And this… this is really a chance to get him back?”

Tony ran his hand down his face, shock still vibrating in his bones as he looked at the success tag on his model.

“Yeah… We have a chance. But, Pep, Morgan… I won’t give up Morgan. I will find a way so we can have them both- Both of our kids will come out of this alive.”

Pepper stood up and wrapped her arms around his middle and kissed between his shoulder blades.

“Morgan is going to love him.”

Tony’s heart fluttered, the thought of his two kids being able to finally meet filling him with a warm and fuzzy feeling. He had told Morgan about Peter before, calling him her brother, especially on nights when he missed him so much it was physically painful. Stories of a teenage boy slinging through the city in his pjs with Iron Man by his side filled Morgan with awe on those nights, and now she had the chance to actually meet her beloved Underoos.

Yes. This was going to work.

…

Peter felt his senses come back to him all at once. He gasped for air as he shot upright, the feeling of wrongness he had felt just moments before vanishing as he gathered his bearings.

“Kid, stand up.”

Peter blinked as he looked up to the wizard, Dr. Strange he recalled, who was holding his hand out to him. He took it gratefully, pulling himself up onto his feet.

“Dr. Strange? What- What happened? Mister Stark-”

Peter’s eyes went wide as he noticed he could not find his mentor, spinning on his heels and looking wildly for him.

“Calm down, Peter. Stark is on Earth, and has been for 5 years. It’s where we are heading as well to fight Thanos.”

Peter furrowed his brows as he processed that information.

“Wait- Waitwaitwait. What do you mean he’s been home for 5 years?! He was right here! How did he- and why 5 years? When did- Has it been- What-”

“Calm down, kid.” Strange said with a stern yet comforting voice. Peter took a deep breath and listened. “Yes, it has been 5 years. We were erased from existence by Thanos, but we were brought back just now. The avengers on Earth who were not snapped are fighting a version of him from the past, trying to stop him from doing it again. Guardians, are you prepared to fight?”

Peter couldn’t hear what Starlord and the others were saying, his mind replaying the words the Wizard had spoken on repeat.

5 years.

Before he had time to worry about May, Ned, MJ, Mister Stark, Happy, and everyone else, a portal opened in front of him, showing a scorched battlefield, with Thanos and Captain Rogers at the center.

He swallowed his fear and swung towards it, removing his mask as reality sunk in.

Hundreds upon thousands of warriors stood alongside him, a battle cry from Captain Rogers surging them forward. He raced ahead, fighting as many enemies as he could, but more than anything, he wanted to get to Mister Stark. He wanted to find him so badly, to make sure he was not hurt, to tell him that he was okay.

After being on the business end of a few punches, Peter saw him engaged with some horrible alien nightmare, and he rushed forward to tear it off of him.

Tony looked up at him in shock.

An explanation of all he had experienced came rolling off of his tongue, a jumbled mess of words sprinting through his brain so fast he could barely talk. Suddenly, he was being enveloped in his mentor’s arms, a hug so tight and so relieved he couldn’t speak. The way Mister Stark held him- it reminded him of how Ben held him. To say he was surprised Mister Stark was showing him this much affection would be an understatement.

“This… This is nice,” was all he could stammer out.

Tony squeezed him tight, clapping a hand on his back as he headed back out to the fight. Peter was dazed for a second by the sudden show of affection before he remembered what he was doing.

At some point the infinity gauntlet came into his hands, and he rushed to get it to Captain Danvers. As he handed it to her though, something in his gut told him to follow it. A sense of urgency- that something bad would happen if he didn’t follow that glove.

So he did.

…

Tony looked at the wizard as he held up a single finger.

He knew what had to be done.

Regrets buzzed through his head, knowing Morgan would grow up without a father. He knew Pepper would be heartbroken. He wouldn’t see Peter and have a proper reunion after all. So many things he wanted to do, but in order to save the people he loved, he would give them all up.

Thanos snapped his fingers, confused when nothing happened. His eyes widened to see Tony with the stones in his makeshift glove.

“And I… am Iron-”

A shot of webs attacked his hand, pulling at the infinity stones. Before he could register what was happening, the stones had been ripped from his grasp…

… And were now sitting on top of gauntlet made of web on Peter’s left hand.

Tony’s heart dropped into his stomach. He felt time slow down in front of him, as if all that existed at that moment was him and his kid.

“Kid, what- what are you doing?”

Peter shot him a guilty but determined smile.

“I’m sorry, Mister Stark.”

Tony screamed his name as Peter screwed his eyes shut.

And then he snapped.

[aarontalksmusic-blog]

A Top 30 Horror Movies

This is Halloween! This is Halloween! There are a lot of awesome horror movies, but I picked just 30 that qualify as my favorites. 

#30 - The Conjuring

So this movie isn’t perfect. The last 20-30 minutes kinda turn into a mess as the demon gets more confrontational. But, the first 90 minutes are a near perfect slow build of tension and smart visual storytelling. All the actors do a good job, even the kids. This movie has insured I never play Hide and Clap.

#29 - Paranormal Activity 2

In my opinion superior to the (still pretty good) original, PA2 moves faster than its predecessor and uses the audience’s curiosity against them in interesting ways. You’re always looking to the edges of the screen for something or someone out of place, and as the movie progresses, that curiosity rattles the nerves more and more.

#28 - The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

One of the only modern horror remakes that improves and expands on the original. The Hills Have Eyes hit when I was a junior in high school. It is gleefully gorey and deranged. People die in awful ways, and the protagonist (seen above) spends most of the last half hour drenched in blood. It’s a lot of fun if you’re into that sort of thing.

#27 - Event Horizon

Space Horror is a hard genre to get right. Event Horizon knocks it out of the park by getting the slow build right. There are gruesome and bloody images from time to time, but the majority of the movie is built on tension and dread. Having Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne leading the cast adds some dramatic weight to the proceedings.

#26 - The VVitch

The GOAT 17th Century rural horror movie. This movie gets real weird and leaves a lot up to the audience’s imagination. The less said about it the better if you haven’t seen it. But, even for the 2010s renaissance of horror, this one stands out.

#25 - Hereditary

This is a list of my favorite horror movies, not the scariest. If it were “scariest” this would be top 10, maybe top 5. The second half of this movie is some of the most uncomfortable and relentlessly horrifying storytelling I’ve ever seen. Across just two feature films, Director Ari Aster has proved himself a master of the horror genre. We’re all worse off for it.

#24 - Return of the Living Dead

The first movie on this list that is more funny than scary, Return of the Living Dead is laugh out loud hilarious at times. Somehow, it still manages to be a more effective zombie movie than most serious ones. Great punk rock soundtrack and highly quotable, this is great for people who scare a little too easily.

#23 - Friday the 13th Part 2

Basically improving on the original in every way, Friday the 13th Part 2 is iconic even without Jason’s hockey mask making an appearance. The killer instead keeps a lumpy bag over his head the whole time. The movie lets you know early on that its going to be ridiculous, when the Part 2 logo literally smashes through the Friday the 13th title card. Great representation of the slasher genre.

#22 - Suspiria (2018)

I’m a sucker for lore in movies, and Suspiria is full to the brim with details that expand on the world. Led by great performances from Tilda Swinton and Dakota Johnson, the movie is highly intelligent and occasionally brutally violent. The fact that the director’s prior movie was “Call Me By Your Name” shows that he’s a talented filmmaker no matter the genre.

#21 - Halloween (1978)

Michael Myers is iconic. The music is iconic. Jamie Lee Curtis is an all-time great horror leading lady. Halloween is a must watch for horror genre fans. 

#20 - Get Out

This movie is so well written it won an Oscar. Get Out is both hilarious and brutally tense. The acting is awesome across the board. Who knew Jordan Peele would use his comedy talent to make a career in scary movies? 

#19 - Shaun of the Dead

A classic comedy filled with so many jokes that it takes about 3 watches to catch them all. Not scary in the least, but uniquely playful in the genre. Also made Simon Pegg a star. Nothing but greatness here.

#18 - The Descent

I’ll always remember my first watch of this movie. It slaps you in the face with trauma in the first 5 minutes. Then spends three quarters of an hour building tension and claustrophobia before suddenly becoming a solid monster feature. Though it fizzles a little at the end with some wtf moments, the first 3/4ths are very effecting.

#17 - Nightmare on Elm Street

Nightmare on Elm Street is just a cool as hell idea for a horror movie. It takes the occasional predictability of Halloween or Friday the 13th and flips it. The kills are inventive and visually interesting, the effects are very cool, and you get to see Johnny Depp get brutally murdered. win-win-win.

#16 - Saw

Saw came out at a perfect age for me. Seeing this movie at 16 was a great experience. Even as the sequels got worse and worse, the whodunnit nature of the original held up. People were literally drowning in gore by Saw 3, but this is a solid movie that knows when to tone things down. Great watch.

#15 - Evil Dead 2

By turns hilarious and unsettling, watching Evil Dead 2 allows the viewer to marvel at the special effects done on a shoestring budget. Bruce Campbell is an absurd and talented physical actor, and singlehandedly carries this movie into the hall of fame.

#14 - IT Chapter 1

Chopping the 1,000 page Stephen King book in half allowed the first half of the IT saga to thrive. Bill Skarsgard is a fantastic Pennywise, and the child actors all do well. A slightly repetitive series of scares keeps this one from perfection (and would be the downfall of Part 2), but its still an amazing peak of the genre.

#13 - Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Fast zombies. Zack Snyder directing before his head got too big. Hilarious musical cues. Apocalyptic imagery. This movie is one of the best of the zombie genre.

#12 - Fright Night (1985)

One of the most simply fun movies on this list, Fright Night is straight out of the mid 80s. It never takes itself too seriously, but it still has some good scares sprinkled in. An essential vampire movie, and the remake with Colin Farrell wasn’t half bad either.

#11 - The Omen (1976)

One of my early favorites, The Omen is another lore filled film that gradually ramps up the twists until the dramatic finale. Probably one of the least scary films on my list, its built on Gregory Peck being a great actor and a few pretty messed up deaths.

#10 - An American Werewolf in London

Another favorite from childhood, this is the best the werewolf genre has to offer. Made by John Landis who also did Animal House and Blues Brothers, American Werewolf balances 80s level of gore with award winning special effects and clever music (every song featured has moon in the title).

#9 - It Follows

One of the newest (and most original) movies on the list, It Follows is one of a kind. It’s terrifying, has great cinematography and halfway through the movie you have absolutely no clue how it will end. Must see.

#8 - Midsommar

This is absolute newest film on the list, and one I’m anxious to rewatch. Midsommar sets itself apart by being 95% in broad daylight and providing a wealth of backstory to the “bad guys”. Also Florence Pugh shows that she is an amazingly skilled actress, particularly in the final 10 minutes.

#7 - The Exorcist

^That guy is scary. He’s also only in the movie for like 3 seconds. Obviously this is a classic. If you haven’t seen it and like horror at all, it will still amaze you, almost 50 years later. I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall when it was in theaters watching people lose their minds. Still a masterpiece of the genre.

#6 - The Blair Witch Project

I watched The Blair Witch Project for the first time alone in my room at age...I believe 14. That was a mistake. While the mistakes of the hikers become a bit hilarious on multiple rewatches, the night scenes are still tense af. The last 15 minutes are uniquely terror-inducing. Everybody’s seen this one, but if you haven’t, maybe watch it with the lights on?

#5 - The Evil Dead (2013)

This movie is one of the most intense and relentless horror movies ever. Nail guns, rusty knives, a turkey carver, a chainsaw, a machete: people get literally ripped apart in this movie. But, here’s the thing, its really really fun to watch. You’ll be out of breath when its over, but still.

#4 - Cabin in the Woods

Cabin in the Woods isn’t THAT scary. It flirts with scary. It has some shocking and frightening moments But mostly its a shitload of fun that plays on every trope of the horror genre. It also has one of my favorite final moments of any film on this list.

#3 - The Thing

Underappreciated upon its release, The Thing has become the standard by which body horror is measured. Its delightfully paranoid and lets the audience sit and think as gruesome deaths pile up. 

#2 - Alien

One of the first movies to terrify me, Alien is one of the greatest horror movies ever made. The monster design is iconic. The kills and set pieces are one of a kind. It has a kick ass female heroine played by Sigourney Weaver. What more do you want?

and finally

#1 - The Shining

YEAHHHHHHH Here’s a brief list of iconic Shining scenes: - An elevator full of blood - The old woman in room 237 - All work and no play make Jack a dull boy - The snowy hedge maze - Here’s Johnny - Danny’s vision of the twins - The house of horrors finale featuring the man in bear costume featured above and of course - REDRUM This movie is a masterpiece, made by one of the greatest directors of all time, starring one of the greatest actors of all time and based on one of the scariest books by the defining horror author of our time. Its damn near perfect.

[energonalucard]

A FEM Team of my Own Design (RED Edition)

Usually, I don't like doing this kinda stuff. One: I don't usually share my ideas and I am very nervous. Second: FEM characters are one thing, BUT A WHOLE (TWO) TEAM makes me sweat. The good sweat, but also a nervous sweat. Because I am now sharing a personal part of my brain and my love for woman. Beautiful. Lovely. Yes. 

@medics-secret-shipfic-folder, this is one half of those FEM's I talked about! 

Is this more OC team's then canon gender swap? Yeah, and that's because I don't think that's my endgame here, I didn't make these for a gender bend AU, I made them out of love and from a community of great idea makers. I'd rather make OC's then be another generic half-hearted bending AU maker. <3 <3

Also, this really is just a dumb fact thing as I don't want to give away plot stuff. Fun facts and getting to know them a bit. 

(Yes, I said PLOT) 

═══════❖══════════════❖═══════════

-- RED Team: 

𝗦𝗰𝗼𝘂𝘁: The default FEM Scout you see around. Pony-tail, blonde like normal Scout, Bostonian. Has a bit of dimples but I swear, she'll punch you if you call her cute. 

She/Her. Straight, but an Ally. Or so she says. Nobody believes her.

But something you won't know is how many sisters she has! The answer is four. Four sisters and a single dad back in Boston. While lower on the sibling count then most Scout's she is far more likely to NOT talk your ear off in a large group... but will corner you and chat you a blue streak if your like Sniper or Spy and seclude yourself. Since she has less family to push her to run, she's a slower Scout but she can run ALL day pal. Even Medic needs a break but she keeps going, going, going...

Will beat you with heels/pumps (Spy will have loaned them) if you even offer the idea of her wearing them. Sneakers, pal, are Gods gift to feet.

Right handed, and uses left only to throw a ball or clever. Only. ONLY. 

Once drank Mad Milk. No one saw them for three days. Medic had her strapped to a table. She apparently was found in town on a rooftop at 6 AM after vomiting loud enough for neighbors to notice. She got better, but has amnesia from the incident.

Favorite weapon of all time is the Holy Mackerel, because its freaking hilarious and Spy's are disgusted by it. Also reminds her of her dad only being able to cook fish and roast back home in Boston.

𝗦𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗲𝗿: Looks like the canonical Soldier, but her hair is similar to the Battle Bob (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Battle_Bob) but with no bangs and it barely peaking from her helmet. Blonde, American, and named John Doe respectively. 

She/Her. Bi(romantic/sexual). 

Has a thing for tank tops and will wear them around base when not on duty, because she's a very sweaty person and her clothes suffer (and who ever does laundry as well). This was a compromise. Trust the RED Team on that one (Medic approved).

Helmet 100% of the time though.

Bra comes off = be ready for a fight maggot.

Has more lower body strength, absolutely loves the Manntreads. But don't underestimate her running Original. See her on Battalion? She most likely has Rage ready when she pops out of nowhere.

Has no idea why people tell her walking around naked is weird/distracting/rude or whatnot. She's covered up! In jam (Pyro mourns their jam and preservatives cupboard)!

𝗣𝘆𝗿𝗼: Looks... exactly how a Pyro should. Like a balloon bodied Pyro. Yeah, nothing strange here other then their SASS. Dear heavens.

They/Them. Non-binary.

You've only seen these Pyro's around three or four bases in your entire LIFETIME. This walking bag of fire does not have time for ANY bullshit. Loves doing the windup middle finger when someone does something stupid/rude. Isn't really all that serious as they are made out to be but you get it.

Still loves Balloonicorn and cooking even though they act like any other merc. Has a tea set with crudely melted crayons on its outside.

Wanna get BACK here? BACK into THEIR base? Turn around and head BACK son. Backburner and Thruster Pack predator, all day unless the team suffers.

Covers up Soldier in a towel if she's naked. Sows up Demo's pants if she splits them. Engie loves them when they swing by with anything cinnamon realated. Second most likely to do everyone's laundry.

Arsonist Guardian of the Year Award. 

𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗿: Just like Scout, the typical Femgineer model but this time, she's more chubby then her skinny model on Gamebanana. Her overalls like default Engineer helps her self esteem though. Brunette, Texan, and still a shortie. 

She/Her. Bi(romantic/sexual), but leans more towards men.

Ever seen a small volcano of 5'4'' and puffy red cheecks? You've met it, you've angered it. But you ain't staying conscious for long. Not with her weilding a Southern Hospitality just for this occasion.

Has made many comments about making traps and watching unfortunate folk "disappear" from her daddy's old farm. Nobody questions why the cameras in the building have tiny barrels attached to them and a laser sight. 

Has mentioned a husband or at least a male partner once to Sniper. Never elaborated. Never showed a ring or even a smile when talking about him.

Cinnamon and jam enthusiast along with Pyro, and the most flustered when Soldier is covered in it. 

Hair bun is a must unless she ties it flat with pins. Short hair because she don't wanna catch fire. Smells like burnt metal and a dulled oil smell nobody can rinse out of her clothes. Her hardhat is permanently on her head, googles are a go too. Welding smock and overalls in and out of battle.

𝗛𝗲𝗮𝘃𝘆: Like before, like Gamebanana FEM Heavy. Brunette (like two of her sisters), Russian, and actually has scars all across her chest if you can see her shirt peak off-hours.

She/Her. Lesbian (romantically involved with RED Medic). 

You probably think Medic is the one most likely to do laundry since I said Pyro was second right? (I'm not that predictable ;>) Nope, its Heavy. Heavy doesn't like machine washers unless she has to deal with jeans or other thicker fabrics she knows won't dry in under 12 hours correctly (because they fight EVERY day). She washed unmentionables too, and does not make it weird. Until Sniper literally has to answer about why all her underwear is stained yellow, Sniper she just wants you to have nice clean clothes--

You ask Pyro for dinner if you miss a meal or have a diet going on. If Heavy catches anyone not eating, they eat double. Diets? Heavy always grew up with the mentality you ate what you could get, but Heavy is not heartless. Since food types are abundant, she is careful about diets. But she'll still make you eat it double. 

Her girlfriend doesn't eat pork products, so she understands. (Slightly)

Natasha may be her right hand gun but her doctor will always have her heart and soul. Still bought a better bed for Natasha though, but don't tell doctor. 

Once beat a male Scout cause he called her ally Engineer a fatty. Has had to fend off two Scout's from her team's Spy ("Heavy, they had information I needed." / "Intelligence? Bah."). Actually stepped on a drunk Demo's crotch on accident, but did apologise. 

Loves her girlfriends muscles way more then her curves, she has no idea why. But she can appreciation a nice bottom when she sees it. 

Two little sisters, an older brother who's tettering around step-brother, and a mother who's nearly paralyzed from the waist down. But that woman was her light, she did things not many woman do anymore and for that wisdom and learning, Heavy is grateful. Mother also instilled a fear of swatters with a shoe tied to it. Creative, but scary.

𝗗𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻: Actually looks like The Demowoman made based on Drew Wolf's own design, but I think a bit more fuller in the cheeks and chin (more square). Scottish, eyes sharp as a sass lass, and a thick as hell skull.

She/Her. Pan(romantic/sexual).

Once cried in a pile of bras while drunk. Not her own. That's how everyone learned about Spy being... more on that later.

Has a father and mother, but both are leaning so far towards insanity she gave up listening a long time ago. Still doesn't back talk them though, she just pacifies them by dividing her money and saying she has many jobs.

Gains weight like crazy, and its not all the alcohols fault. Food is just very heavy in America and since the team is 1/3 American she feels enlarged everytime a meal based around or for the Americans is brought out. And dear god Heavy, bear goes straight to her muffin top. Spy notices her uncomfortable nature when eating and generally tries to swap out their plates (Spy fussing at the chief before dinner saying she needs X on her plate and not Y, just so Demo can keep her ideal self). (Don't tell Demo, she's too drunk to notice it)

Actually will hug Soldier when naked and be like, "Nothing weird about it". Has actually kissed Spy's hand like you'd do royalty as a joke. Has actually spun Medic around in a circle in a bear hug before. 

She's all for makeup, but really, all she can manage normally and steadily is lipstick. At least she can wipe it away if she wants (can't wipe away the pain of stabbing your only good eye with a mascara brush). 

Nobody touches her hair, never. But she likes doing other's hair. She isn't all that good with cutting or styling or maintaining hair, but playing with hair or just running her hands through it is amazing. The body hair on her legs is shaven and so are her underarms, but her arms and "moustache" that Scout notices are well grown out.

Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Launcher Quickiebomb Laun--

Hair always under a beany, nobody sees her hair until much later. She had it all in one wide french braid. Wait, doesn't she normally fail at braids? How did she get that? 

𝗠𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰: (Okay, this is where similarities in the FEM models stops. To me, I don't really like the FEM Medic model as much as I should for OC's so I'll explain Medic as best I can.) Just like any male Medic counterpart and she has a square-ish chin, with curves almost as boxy as some of her cosmetics. But its a good boxy, she's wide with muscle and shoulders to carry injured teammates. Black hair, German, and the creepiest white teeth you've ever seen.

She/Her. Lesbian (romantically involve with the Heavy). Gay Energy™.

Thicc thighs saves lives. Like, no joke. She is mostly muscles in her legs and torso so everyone assumed she was good at running. Even Scout. Once lifted Demo with ease in her arms and gave Pyro a piggyback ride all at once. It did strain her back and she was slower, but she was fine after dropping Demo in a safer spot to sleep.

Her posture is shit, but she does form corrections regularly, and uses a pillow to cheat the system if she's grumpy enough.

Her teeth. God, her teeth anywhere in blue lighting make weaker mercs a bit dizzy. You've never seen teeth have a blue-green tint like hers, it feels like watching a horror movie permanently set in a blue shaded tint.

Does not eat pork products, and won't elaborate. Will eat beef, but not pork. Maybe she just hates it? Maybe. A diet? Even Heavy shrugs it off now when it happens.

Medic gives the thumbs up for Soldier walking around in tanktops. Naked Soldier is also a thumbs up. All those bras Demo collected once had Medic sorting through them happily. Actually figured out Spy's real cup size. 

Medic has banned Sniper's ace bandage bras. Not in this house, not under her roof. She fits Sniper for personally made bras, Spy bought and tailored. 

Loyal girlfriend. But gayer. Heavy is fine with it, and actually partakes in showing everyone love sometimes too. Since Demo is also affectionate, it can't be too bad.

Push-up queen, but will drop in the dirt in exhaustion afterwards. She only beats Soldier by a few points and mostly runs on spite. 

Has actually stollen all her team's uterus'. What?! She gave them all back later! Just... someone else needed them first. And in a Female vs Female war zone her teammates weren't planning on using them. But they are back now! Well... not all.

Has actually tried to make a Spyper out of an old male Spy and Sniper she used to fight. Both just despawned and targeted her the next day. Sadly. 

BLU Demo's line about shagging Medic's husband always makes her go into a laughing fit. 

Has a ring ready for Heavy, because Heavy is best wife material and loves her dearly.

𝗦𝗻𝗶𝗽𝗲𝗿: (Changed a bit too.) Taller then her Gamebanana model, and god is her face longer and more like regular Sniper. You've heard of laugh lines but the Sniper has frown lines, and the dip in her cheeks has wrinkles from the sun. She has a unibrow growing almost as fast as you can wax it, she leaves it be. So much arm hair. Brunette, Australian (New Zealand), and her hands are big for her size.

She/Her. Bi(romantic), Asexual. 

Never shaves. Never.

She has a mom, a dad, and a big brother. Her brother snipe's as well for RED Team and they have secret mail chains going between them (not so secret, Administrator knows). Her parents don't know she's Bi and after what they said to her brother about him being Trans, she never wanted to figure out. 

Her brother is actually fully transitioned with the help of a Medic who seemed pro-Trans. Of course the doctor waved that off but he had been careful about the procedure enough that they could tell he was a good doctor about all this.

Her brother is the reason she wears ace bandages for bras. So he wouldn't feel bad. She just never STOPPED wearing them after that, and she always reasoned it was because of her broken family and wanting to hold on a little longer. A "little longer" was nearly nineteen years of wearing it to help her brother mentally. Until Medic banned it. Then, she had tailored bras that were strapless but wouldn't fall down. Sometimes goes without the bra onto the battlefield and will tie her shirt off as a makeshift support. She doesn't feel she betrayed him, just... cloth is real itchy sometimes.

Jarate. Isn't... entirely enthusiastic about hygiene outside of basic shower stuff, brushing her teeth, and trimming her nails. Her underwear is clean but since jarate is... yeah, it stains her clothes. Jarate is a lot harder for females to make with how pants work.

Yes, has mooned the enemy Spy before. Not on purpose. Many times. Yes, her pride is shattered every time it happens.

Had long hair upon arrival to this war. She refused to cut it even as her team warned her about what long hair can cause. She changed her mind after the male enemy Spy yanked her around by it and smashed her head in a windowsill. She had her ally Spy cut it after she could stomach letting it be tugged, even for a cut. Spy was gentle, and asked her questions on what she prefers: suits or dresses. 

Suits mate.

(And that BLU Spy was never seen again on the battlefield after a week.)

𝗦𝗽𝘆: (Different from the model ENTIRELY, I really do not like the Spy FEM model at all. But I have grown more warm towards it lately, probably from my BLU team ideas *wink* *wink*) Wears a suit like all other Spy's, and a balaclava as well. Her shoes are as Italian as they come and could take out a man's eye they are so sharp. Blue eyes, sharp chin and nose, and she is NOT a mother.

She/Her. Pan(romantic/sexual)/Polygamous.

Is not the mother to any children at all. She does not need nor want any. Still gets all the men thought. And ladies. 

She actually does not have a uterus at all, she caught wind the doctor had taken something out of her (what Medic doesn't) and didn't want it back. Turns out, she really does not care for the missing body part. Oh well, a Spy's lose is a Medic's fortune.

Has her breasts restricted a bit by a special SpyTech bra that distributes muscle instead of pressing it all against her lungs. She looks like a D cup for her bust size. Is a E cup naturally. Medic drools when she sees the tag on the bra for the first time. Sometimes wears buisness casual around base, without her SpyTech bra and using a normal one for comfort. Attracts Demo and Soldier like flies when she does. 

Cuts and manages everyone's hair. Sniper was her first job, and that was easy. Next was Medic coming in it get a half fade. Next was Soldier to keep her hair barely peaking from the helmet. Demoman was the hardest to convince and she can only touch her hair if she "uses those leather fancy gloves" she always wears at all times while braiding Demo's hair.

That BLU Spy from before? Gutted multiple times over the course of games throughout a week. His score suffered and he was moved to a team of lesser skill. A temporary "fix" to the problem. She still wants to gut him but can't do it outside of work hours as he's employeed to BLU (costing her a contract). But did find him in a seedy city with the mother of his child, and casually reminded him of his deeds out of spite while in disguise. He apologized, but she refused to take it. She wasn't the victim. They parted ways after that and promised to never see each other again. 

Will actually hit Scout on the head. Hand open, palm ready. Right in the back of her head. Stupid American loudmouth...

Likes the Dead Ringer with the stock revolver a lot, and likes being active. Really good at acting like Pyro, its kinda scary. It's probably the sassy movements they mastered.

Third least shameful having no top on. Proven.

Has secret meetings with BLU Spy outside both base ranges. For some reason, even though the ritual of enemy teams Spy's meeting and exchanging whatever they have for whatever they need is long over they both still come out here. Probably to get away from the base and at least smoke in peace, or at least she hopes so.

-- BLU Team... (soon)

[tomo-tron]

My experience growing up as an Artist (and trying to get a job)

Buckle up, it’s a long one.

I’ve never really thought about doing an actual written blog entry on here before as I’ve normally not really had much to say and prefer to talk about my work. But I thought it could be helpful to share my personal experiences of trying to get work post-university from the perspective of an illustrator/artist. This could be helpful to you if you’ve just graduated, are thinking of doing a course at uni or are currently freelance and are wondering how to get your first break in a full-time art job. Emphasis on could. 

So for those of you who’ve never met me (which is pretty much 99%+ of my followers), I’ve always drawn characters from games and comics etc. If I saw a character that blew my mind as a kid, I drew them. I had a big, lined, A4 notebook and drew in with biro pen. I drew in class when I wasn’t supposed to. I drew in my weekly planner for lessons (where you were supposed to write homework and deadlines etc) and then got into detentions because of them where I was even made to go through and cover them all up using paper and glue...Art at secondary school DID NOT help me. At all. A lot of schools don’t understand/recognise the games/comic/entertainment industry (or at least seemingly prestigious ones from the north where people make money by farming and/or settling into a mundane plane of conformative existence revolving around having kids way too early and peaking before you’re 25 before forever there after living in a bubble safely tucked away from the rest of the world and society). To be fair, schools have to cover a potentially very broad spectrum and kids don’t always know what’s best for them and where they want to end up. But sometimes kids DO know where they want to end up. To also be fair, my art teachers could see that fine art wasn’t my thing and that I was technically a good artist when it came to drawing, so they sort of gave me a lot of leeway when it came to work guidelines (one of my main teachers also looked and acted like Dean McCoppin from Iron Giant which was pretty much the best thing that could have happened there). 

Anyway, moving onto University. In the UK, 2011 was the year the university fees basically tripled...The work I did at that school didn’t really help me much when applying for places. No one I knew wanted to do anything similar. And there were no adults who had any idea what I needed to do to get to the places I wanted either. So I was on my own. Suffice to say I failed at getting onto a 3 year course (which I’ve always imagined was potentially due to increased demand just before the fees went up). The lecturer doing a portfolio review with me said I had “too many werewolves” and the less said about all of that the better. I think maybe there was two werewolves, done in the same style the point of which being that one was male and one was female and I’d tried to make that visually evident. However, I was offered a place on a 1 year Art and Design course (yay...). Ironically, the foundation course turned out to pretty much help me un-learn EVERYTHING that I had spent the last 7 years being told to do. Crazy right? It annoyed me that I had to spend an extra year there (though not from the social point of view and uni life) and straight after the course, I finally began a 3 year Illustration and Animation course. 

At 20 y/o (a year later than most) I started my 3 year course. I won’t say too much about the course itself as there’s a slight conflict of interest in regards to me potentially going back to lecture there soon. But in those 3 years, I gradually felt more and more comfortable to focus on producing work that I always felt I was supposed to be doing. Nothing great came out of my first year, the second year was arguably better/more professional and then finally in my third year I created a 26 page comic about monsters (which I drafted a good friend in to write the script for, bearing in mind he was on a course at the time too) which I called “Stubble” and it was the pinnacle of my artist achievements. It was a comic, but I had really developed these two characters from fairly in-cohesive and random creatures with rubber tire armour and boring shapes/silhouettes to these very much simplified, strange, stubble-y polar opposites of one another. So I figured that the ability to create characters and demonstrate that, would help get me into the games industry regardless, if I wanted to go that route. 

Then we had the end of year exhibition where we could showcase our final major projects. This got me noticed by a nearby toy design company in the area. It was exactly what I’d always hoped would happen, a job offer fresh out of university. They loved my work and I did a small-ish art test for them before being invited to a job interview that went really well. Their only major concern was my art style and whether I could adapt it appropriately for the sort of work they did. I was 23 y/o at the time, I was still no expert and hadn’t spent a whole lot of time doing product design on my non-product design based course (surprise surprise). I didn’t hear back from them for a while and because I’d never applied to salaried jobs before, I just thought it was the norm. I moved to London with my then gf and pretty much lost all motivation artistically when faced with the real world and trying to make ends meet in the most expensive part of the UK as a poor ass ex-student. Six months later, they got back to me. It was a no. They wanted to stress I was very much in the running along with 2 other applicants and choosing between the 3 of us had been the subject of much debate. So that sucked. And then not long after my long-term relationship fell apart which was a nice addition so I was back to square one at home with mummy and daddy and a seemingly useless degree. 

Thankfully, I had made some good friends who were still studying at my university and staying to live in the area afterwards to get work (they were all car designers). So at 24 y/o I pretty much begged them to let me move in with them so I could regain some independence and start again. I should probably mention that freelance work had been coming in post-uni in dribs and drabs. I was doing the work when I found it, but it was few and far between and not really helping me to create a uniform portfolio. I was applying to concept art and character art jobs where ever I could find them the whole time, despite really not having the portfolio to back them up because it was filled with irrelevant work such as cartoon cats I was doing for a legitimately crazy cat lady who was supposedly running a charity (but years later came to the conclusion she was more of an opportunist perpetually trying to reclaim her lost wealth and the life it had afforded her). I managed to end up working for Marvel and Lego which was weird. Though technically it wasn’t directly with either as the Marvel work was for a company who owned the rights to create licensed trading cards on Marvel’s behalf and the Lego job was outsourced to me through an agency that did media production and stuff for other companies. People always say to me “but the fact is you worked for Marvel and Lego”, and maybe it’s impostor syndrome speaking, but I don’t think they fully understand the way that kind of work...works (which is fine, but also perhaps trust the guy who’s been doing this for a living). I’d say I worked for Lego more legitimately than I did for Marvel.  

24/25 y/o and my confidence was taking a beating. I kept thinking how it was never meant to be this hard (getting a job). I’d been told by pretty much everyone I’d ever met, professional and otherwise, that I was talented and yet I wasn’t getting anywhere. Add to that the fact I was having to watch all my friends find work in their chosen fields easily and I’m honestly surprised I didn’t have/haven’t had a mental break down of some sort (especially after seeing how some people my age reacted to small periods of uncertainty). I DIGRESS, I started getting bolder with my applications and began sending them to places I thought were too good for me anyway and that would need me to be some sort of artistic veteran to even stand a chance at being considered. I’d mostly stuck to companies within the UK at this point, but I was having to move further afield because I’d exhausted what seemed to be every single games company the UK had to offer and felt like my work was more appropriate for what I deemed to be as bolder and more imaginative US companies. At the time, I was obsessed with League of Legends and had begun to learn about the company behind them, Riot Games. So I thought “fuck it” and I sent an application to their studio in Hong Kong despite being terrified by the prospect of moving there. And guess what?

They got back to me. 

Again, I don’t want to go into too much detail. But let’s just say I did another art test for this one. And then another. And then another. And then also another. I didn’t have a job, I was relying on my incredibly unreliable freelance work but pretty much prioritising the application process over everything else going on in my life. I was doing good work in my mind, quantity AND quality, the best of both worlds. I was pushing myself to get into a design frame of mind and applying my extensive knowledge of League of Legends to solve problems that I knew needed addressing in the best way I could. 

You can see where this is going. 

I didn’t get the job. I found out midday as I recall, which meant I had the whole day to wallow in self pity. But hey, I had a heap of new work for my portfolio. I was proud of it all for a few months at least and now I just feel like I have to include it in my portfolio because of how extensive it was and how much I threw myself at it. I realise now that quantity isn’t always the best thing. And I will never ever ever again draw that many iterations of a character in pencil with nice line work. It was a dumb way to work and it was slow as hell. You don’t focus on line work when you’re trying to develop ideas at an early stage, even if you’re trying to impress a big company. Part of the job is narrowing down ideas. But at the time I didn’t feel that it was my place to say what was and wasn’t good as I was trying to get in to a entry-level role and was expecting someone to make those decisions for me. I was the grunt, they were the overlord. Several months is a lot of time to exchange for a fairly simple lesson. Especially when you feel like you’re trying to play catch up in life and are now 2 years behind everyone else your age. But I’ve got to stress that I wasn’t an expert, I was still young and unlike most other people I knew, I literally had no one to advise me/ look to for tips. Which I think is something pretty much most artists go through at some point in their life seeing as we all end up pretty secluded. 

The thing is, I felt obligated to share the work I did from that application because it’s unfair to ask someone to invest so much (UNPAID) time and effort into something without letting them then use that to further their job hunt if you’re to turn them down. Art tests in general are unfair. Apply the idea of an unpaid test to most other areas of employment - marketing, banking (even bar tender jobs will pay you half the standard rate if they’re trailing you for the day) and people generally respond with something like “yeah I wouldn’t do something like that unless I was paid”. Because it comes across like you don’t respect yourself. And yet that is unfortunately the world we live in as artists. 

Moving on. Still 25 y/o going on 26, after posting pretty much all of that work on this very blog and whilst on holiday, I got an email from a guy called Ben saying he was from Riot Games and wondered if I wanted to collaborate on a comic together. I’d become accustomed to the word “collaborate” being synonymous with “free” so I was initially sceptical and didn’t think much of it. Instead turning my attention to the shrimps I was bbqing and jokingly telling my friends that some schmuck wanted to get free work out of me again. However, it began to become more real and eventually I understood that it was going to be a real job. Still freelance, but real. And for one of my favourite companies as well. I became one of 4 artists making web comics for Riot at the time and became pretty good friends with Ben. We made “Olaf Vs Everything” whilst the other horsemen of Ben’s apocalypse made “Crystal Quest”, “Academy Adventures” and “Punches and Plants” with him. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we had fun and did what we could with the limitations of the gig. Season 1 of the comic turned into season 2 and things seemed to be picking up. I was networking and making friends with like-minded artists across the world and suddenly didn’t feel so alone anymore.

I was super lucky to get invited to Riot’s HQ in L.A. along with a bunch of these other artists as part of Riot’s first Art Lab. It was a really crazy time in my life and didn’t quite feel real (sort of still doesn’t). I suddenly felt like I had something to back up my abilities to the friends and family around me and for once wasn’t a huge failure in my chosen field. It was a nice feeling and impostor syndrome definitely went away that week. 

That was over a year ago now, which is nuts. But I still know all these guys (and more). They’re a very talented bunch and for the most part, it seems like we’re all watching each other grow and actively try to get our dream jobs. Unlike the majority of artists I met at university, who seemed to only be in it for the qualification and have long since given up pursuing a career as artists. But don’t get me wrong, there were definitely some talented folks who made it work and some who really deserved to but I don’t think have done. Skip forward a bit and I actually started work as a part-time lecturer at my university in 2018, teaching the students taking the same course I did all those years ago. Working with the lecturer who 6/7 years prior had said my portfolio had too many werewolves in it (it’s some sort of running joke). It’s nice to see that they seem to be slightly more thirsty for knowledge than my year group was. The quality of their work is also a better I’d say. More diverse. And every single one of them has a drawing tablet in their first year (most of my year group didn’t get them until 2nd year, some never did). 

And now...

I spent the last few months actively sending out applications for concept art jobs again with my portfolio now containing my Artstation King Arthur competition entry in it (which has been helping me out more than I thought it would and you can see here: www.artstation.com/artwork/nQLePX). Side note - do an Artstation challenge if you can, they can be fun, push you and look great in your portfolio/cover letter. I found a job I really really really wanted that was nearby. It ticked all the boxes and almost seemed too good to be true. I did the procedural art test (unpaid of course) and had an interview. Everything felt good. Didn’t get the job. This time seemingly because of not being able to start immediately, despite the fact that all commitments I had had lined up for the next 2 months were completely cancellable. You can’t make this stuff up. So from now on, I will habitually write in capital letters on my cover letters “I CAN START IMMEDIATELY, I DON’T EVEN CARE IF I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE STREETS IN BETWEEN WORK DAYS UNTIL I CAN FIND ACCOMMODATION, I’LL MAKE SURE I CLEAN MY TEETH BEFORE I COME IN AT THE VERY LEAST” as well as potentially screaming the word “IMMEEEEEDIATELYYYY” at any future interviewers upon hearing a “when can you start” related question. I would advise you to do the same. Well maybe not exactly the same, but y’know, just make sure they know you can start immediately. Bums in seats. Being able to start sooner = more important than being a good fit (sometimes anyway, so take that into consideration). 

I’ve mostly spent this past year realising that if I ever want to have a moderately “normal” life (aka having disposable income) then I had to give up doing comics in favour of concept art. I’d already felt that way for a long time, but this year I’ve actively avoided committing to big comic projects because they simply aren’t worth the time and effort in most cases. And to note, I did have a completely separate portfolio of comic page samples I sent out to publishers in an effort to up my game and I got absolutely no where. I’m not trying to dissuade any one else from succeeding where I’ve failed by any means. But you have to be prepared to fail a lot and if you can deal with that then by all means you should try. But for me, I really don’t like the prospect of taking a huge backwards step at this point in life, and by that I mean moving back home where it’s rent-free. Perseverance is an admirable trait. Persevering despite overwhelming odds. And though there is a very big difference between quitting and knowing when to quit, I think artists more so than any other profession don’t really know how to quit. Which is a pretty brave thing in most cases. Meanwhile, with each year that passes I feel like I can relate more and more to episodes of the Simpsons where Bart and Lisa were all grown up and the major difference between the two career-wise. I love (ew grosss) my younger sister, don’t get me wrong (and don’t tell her) but she’s starting to make me look bad ahah. 

Next month I’m going to be doing a crash course at Escape Studios in London learning how to model/sculpt and animate a character of my own design in roughly 4 weeks. I’m hoping that broadening my skill set to 3D will increase my employability. It will at the very least mean I can eventually apply to character art jobs and stand a chance. However, after that course I am potentially going to look for part-time/full-time work in an unrelated field of work because I don’t really have a choice. 

I will keep looking for the concept art/ character art job out there that I know I’ll be good at. Because I’m in this for the long haul. And if you are as well, then I wish you the very best of luck and hope that something I’ve written here may help you out. 

Your hairy neighbourhood friend,

- Tom

[ladyvegeets]

T.I.T.A.N. - 01

- 1 Gooseflesh Skin - 

The entire dock was flooded with people, every last head craned up to take in the massive scale of the new spaceship. Everyone except Vegeta. Where others ogled and marveled the F.F. TITAN, singing its praises in awed tones, Vegeta kept his eyes forward and struggled to keep down the black stone of helplessness that rolled in his belly. This was no ship of dreams, but a slave ship taking him home in chains.

Outwardly, he was everything a titan recruit should be: strong, proud, composed. But inside, he was screaming.

The Lord Commander, Frieza, was ahead of him, walking up the gangway to board his new vessel. Though small in stature, the commander was oppressive in presence. Vegeta could feel the weight of his malevolence even across the dock. His father was making a valiant attempt at small talk, a wasted effort given Frieza was far more interested in soaking up the adoration of the crowd than listening to anything a king from a trifling planet had to say. As usual, neither were paying him any attention. They didn’t care or even notice him. He was merely an accessory to this arrangement, the punctuation point of his own indentured sentence.

It struck Vegeta that he could easily slip back into the crowd and disappear before anyone had the chance to discover he was gone.

Unconsciously, his feet slowed.

“What’s the hold up, Vegeta?” The slimy dulcet tones came from Frieza’s right hand man, Zarbon, the last voice he wanted to hear while flirting with the notion of escape. “I understand your stunted stature makes walking difficult, but if you could find it within yourself to trot along inside, I can have a nurse fetch you a hover chair.”

Vegeta’s fists clenched at the humiliating suggestion, but he swallowed back his pride, refusing to rise to the bait. “Forgive me, Titan, I was appreciating the craftsmanship of the ship and became distracted.” It was a good a lie as any.

Zarbon stepped up next to him. He was much taller than Vegeta, wearing ornate dress armor that left his hand and face tattoos proudly on display. The titan looked up at the vessel they were about to board. “Yes, it is impressive, isn’t it? An indestructible ship for an indomitable Lord. I hear they employed the finest minds in the galaxy for its construction.” He looked down at Vegeta, a nasty twinkle in his unnerving eyes. “No one from planet Vegeta, though. But then your kind have never been very bright, have they?”

Vegeta felt the lancing insult cut through him. Back home, such a remark would have been rectified in blood. Here he had to suffer it. “Our talents lie elsewhere,” he growled, his tone barely acceptable for addressing a superior. 

Zarbon smiled, amused to see the Saiyan struggle at reigning in his temper. He held out a hand towards the threshold of the ship. “After you, little prince. Wouldn’t want you getting lost, would we? That would reflect rather poorly on your father.”

Vegeta felt the bitter truth of that burn in his mouth, and he stepped inside the ship. As the door slid shut behind them, so too were his fancies of freedom closed to him forever.

~xox~

Bulma held the holographic tablet in her hand and pretended to be doing a series of last-minute checks on the cargo-hold. In truth, she wasn’t supposed to be here. Despite her conniving and flirting, she hadn’t been able to convince the right people to get her on TITAN’s crew staff for its maiden voyage — apparently her transient background put a crimp in their rigorous screening process. She had left Earth at a tender age with a thirst for adventure and little else. Upon discovering intelligent life — and a lot of  incredible technology — she jumped from space station to moon to planet until, years later, she eventually caught wind of the most ambitious spaceship project to date. There was no way that was going to happen without her throwing her hat into the mix. The chance to be arms-deep in the most sophisticated technology the galaxy had to offer was too good an opportunity to pass up.

But as the project started wearing down, her future grew uncertain. She was told at every corner that she was not wanted once the ship was completed. But like hell she was going to let that stop her. She had helped design and build the F.F. TITAN. She knew every corner and circuit board and system program of the whole damn ship. It took barely a few hours to come up with a plan, a few days to implement it. Stealing a pair of crew overalls and sneaking aboard hadn’t exactly been rocket science (of which she was also quite skilled in). All she had to do now was lay low until the ship broke the atmosphere and it would be easy-street from here on out.

A couple titans marched by; they were easy to spot with their telltale armor, facial tattoos, and unnerving eyes. Bulma kept her face lowered over the cargo dossier, doing her best to be inconspicuous. Titans gave her the creeps, and not only for their fearsome reputation on the battlefield. There was something… off about them. Just a little too arrogant and a little too obedient. Not to mention their eyes; the light didn’t reach them. It probably had to do with the tattoo process they underwent which turned the sclera — the white part of the eyes in humans — black. When a titan looked at you it was like being eyeballed by a shark, and just as potentially dangerous. It was deeply unsettling.

Thankfully these titans had better things to be do than concern themselves about her, the largest of them curling a nasty-looking whip about his tattooed fist. When they were gone, Bulma checked the area one last time before closing her tablet and slipping inside the maintenance room. On the far wall was a hidden door she had installed. She slipped inside to a little room she had built, complete with a bed roll and some supplies. She laid out on her bed and turned her tablet back on, scrolling through the influx of information from the ship’s start up logs — yes, she had hacked into the ship’s computers, what of it? — and got settled in. It wasn’t a big or glamorous space, but hey, it was free. What more could a stowaway ask for?

~xox~

Vegeta let the dinner conversation wash over him. It was hard to concentrate, not only because the topic held little interest for him but because his body was screaming. He was positive the wounds on his back had split and were freshly bleeding. Luckily he had thought to wear his cape to hide any stains. Still, just the act of sitting straight in a chair was agonizing. He refused to let it show, refused to give any of these bastards the satisfaction.

As soon as the TITAN had taken off, he was sent to meet his soon-to-be fellow titans. He suspected it wouldn’t be pleasant. Even prepared for a hazing, he never anticipated they would whip him, one lash for every titan ‘sibling’ he would gain. Something about ‘sharing the burden of responsibility’, ‘bearing your brothers and sisters on your back’, ‘rights of passage’… blah blah fucking blah. He stopped listening after the first few lashes bit right through cloth and muscle and began exposing bone, blood dripping down his back and filling his mouth as he bit his cheeks to keep from screaming.

He lost track of how many lashes he earned. Frieza had a lot of titans.

His Saiyan genetics meant he had healed — at least enough — to make dinner. He sure as hell wasn’t going to lie in a hospital bed and let rumors of weakness spread about him or his people. Whatever these assholes wanted to throw his way, he would take it. He had to, for his own pride and the pride of his people. It was his duty, or so his father kept insisting. “We need this treaty, my son. Our society won’t survive without the technology of the empire.”

Food was put before him, but his usual vigorous appetite was lacking. “Care for some wine, Vegeta? You look rather peaked,” Zarbon drawled, knowing full well why Vegeta was pale. His lashes had been some of the cruelest to bear.

“I do not partake,” he replied curtly, forcing himself to stab at his dinner so as not to appear weak. “It dulls the senses.” He shoved the forkful of food into his mouth and forced himself to swallow.

Frieza laughed airily from the head of the table. “Oh ho ho, your boy is disciplined, I’ll give you that, King Vegeta,” he complimented. “I do appreciate that quality in my titans.”

“I think you’ll find my son to be a fine addition to your ranks,” the king promised. “He is the most accomplished among our people, and at such a young age.”

Frieza’s eyes narrowed. “So you keep telling me. I grow bored of hearing it.”

“Ah… Yes. Well then, Lord Commander, I’m curious. The name of this vessel. Was it inspired by your elite force?” the king hastened to change the subject.

Frieza leaned back in his chair, swilling his wine about in his glass. “Yes. I am ever so proud of my titans, so what better name for my new ship, wouldn’t you agree?” His lips curled in a dark smile. He didn’t wait for a reply. No one would dare to disagree. “And I quite liked how the name encapsulates the sheer magnitude of its size too.”

“One would think you have an unnatural preoccupation with size,” Vegeta grumbled under his breath as the others at the table voiced their agreement. 

A sharp elbow jabbed him in the side. He winced, more from the wounds on his back than anything else, and looked to his right. His father was glaring murder at him. “Remember your place, boy,” the king hissed furiously, casting Frieza a furtive look to make sure the commander hadn’t overheard the insulting remark.

Vegeta thinned his lips and kept his mouth shut for the rest of the meal. By the time dinner was over he was feeling extremely poor, his back on fire and his face sweating. He must have overestimated his healing, or underestimated the severity of his lashes. Either way, he excused himself before he passed out on his plate or threw up what little he had eaten, and headed for the observation deck to get what counted as ‘fresh air’.

~xox~

The observation deck was situated near the front of the vessel and domed by a large glass bubble that protected the onlookers from the vacuum of space while also allowing for a spectacular view of the galaxy.

Bulma lay sprawled on a bench on the lower deck. The view wasn’t quite as good but it was unoccupied and close to an exit in case security came by and she needed to duck out. The stars she could see were breathtaking. She would never grow tired of looking at them. Any time she grew homesick she just looked up into space and considered all the unexplored planets, technology, and adventures there were awaiting her, and she would be motivated to push on.

She heard footsteps. Turning her head to the upper deck, a man in armor approached the railing. Bulma hitched a brow at the sight of him — human? Wait, no… not quite. Was that a tail around his waist? And something about the hair seemed a little unnatural by Earth standards. Still, it was kind of nice to see someone human-ish. Not bad looking, either. The only detractor were a couple tattoos around his eyes. Titan markings, though far fewer than she was used to seeing. And no all-black eyes. Interesting.

Her curiosity piqued, Bulma found herself staring. Though the man’s armor appeared battle-functional, his red cape was less so, the marking of someone important. Most intriguingly of all, it wasn’t titan-standard issue. Neither were the gloves that hid his hands which now dangled over the railing. Who and what was he? A dignitary perhaps? He certainly held himself with importance, even managing to lean against the deck in an aristocratic manner. The man was an enigma.

His sixth sense must have been tripped, for his eyes turned and locked directly onto her. For a moment they stared at each other from across the divide of the decks as stars were born and burned out and died around them. Nothing was said, no smile or nods exchanged. There was just this moment, this raw fleeting moment where they recognized the existence of the other, and were seen in turn.

Then another approached the railing. This alien Bulma did know.

The Lord Commander.

You didn’t get far in the galaxy without quickly learning who Frieza was.

The diminutive lizard-like alien approached the other man, his tail whipping slowly back and forth in his wake. He placed his claw-like fingers on the man’s shoulder and leaned in, whispering something that Bulma couldn’t hear. Whatever it was, it caused the man at the railing to pale. Frieza’s fingers tightened and the man’s cheek twitched, struggling to keep the pain from his face — but she saw.

Then Frieza threw back his head and laughed, the sound carrying all the way to her on the lower deck. He walked off, leaving the man sweating and alone. He stood frozen for several minutes before he came back to himself. Consciously or not, his eyes sought hers out, but something in his expression had changed. The light in his eyes was gone. It was like staring into the eyes of a dead man.

Her skin broke out into gooseflesh.

He turned and left the deck. Haunted by what she had seen, Bulma decided to do the same and retreated back to her hidden room.

~xoXox~

AN: Written for The Prince and The Heiress’ 2019 Smutfest. Find them on discord or reddit or twitter. I know this is a smutfest, but this one’s gonna be a slow burn, sorry guys.

Based on a little known movie, not sure if you’ve heard of it, called Titanic by James Cameron. Movie buffs will notice that I’ve used a couple quotes from the film — though modified to fit the narrative. 

DBZ characters are, obviously, Toriyama’s creations.

[writingsofwinchesters]

what mountains taught me about identity

This past summer, my sister and I road-tripped to a little town called Dillon in the heart of Summit County, Colorado for vacation. The only thing we planned ahead of time was the Airbnb. The rest of the trip was spontaneous. One day we hiked the Tenderfoot trail, another we visited the local farmer’s market, another we walked up and down the tourist-trap main street of Frisco, and yet another we attended a church service at a outdoor amphitheater. We let each day kind of just happen - and it was my favorite.

The entire trip was one of the most restful and peaceful experiences of my life. One of the best parts was the absolutely stunning, panoramic view of the mountains from the balcony of our condo, second only to the fact I got to spend that time with my sister. I can’t quite describe how incredible it was to be able to sit out there for hours, reading, talking, journaling, watching the sunset, and just being still with my gaze on the mountains in awe.

Fun fact: the first draft of this post was written on that balcony. I wanted to capture some of the peace and awe I felt in one of the most tangible ways I know how - through words.

I have a confession to make. It may be obvious from my social media posts, but just so it’s out there explicitly.

I am fanatically in love with mountains.

I don’t know if I can quite explain why. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. Something about them simultaneously quiets my soul and also, like, yells at me. Like “SOAK IN THIS SERENITY. PAY ATTENTION AND REST NOW.” A little paradoxical, I’ll admit, but it’s a heady, mesmerizing mixture of feelings that I can never get enough of. I could literally spend all eternity just staring at them.

I know it sounds strange, but I miss the mountains. I nearly cried as we were leaving Dillon. As we wound down to Denver, I spent more time than I should have watching the mountains shrink in the mirrors of my car. For context - I was the one driving. For sure not the safest time to be staring out the window. (Do not mention this to my sister, by the way; she’d retroactively scold me to keep my eyes on the road.) I choked back tears as we got past Denver and I discovered I could no longer see the mountains on the horizon. My heart ached at the fact that I would not see them again for over a year. This strange kind of heartache doesn’t really make sense, but it was heartache nonetheless.

Admitting all that makes me feel a bit ridiculous. Maybe it made you laugh or shake your head in confusion. Maybe you feel the same way I do. I still don’t quite understand why I feel this way. I mean, they are just formations of sculpted rock and earth, right? Why do I feel so connected to them, like they’re living, breathing things?

As I process through that feeling, I begin to wonder if it has to do with how connected to God I feel when I’m in the mountains. He is so real to me there. I feel Him in the cool, thin air. I see Him in the snowy mountain peak that breaks apart the sky. I hear Him in the quiet stillness as the jagged rock blocks and muffles the sounds of busy city life.  

But, like, the mountains themselves, though. They’re just stunning.

First of all, mountains are gorgeous. Absolutely breathtaking. And not just because of the thinner air up there. Ba dum tiss. I know God is the most beautiful being in all existence because I see His beauty in how He molded the mountains and how He paints the sky around them. If His creation is that beautiful, how much more beautiful must the Creator be? For God to imagine up this beauty, He must be fantastically beautiful Himself.

Second, mountains are just so freaking majestic. And MASSIVE. I am fully aware of my tiny humanity when I gaze at the miles and miles of mountains. Just one mountain can take up my entire field of vision and even the smallest one exhausts me quickly when I try to scale it. The peaks stretch up to the sky and skim the clouds. We can’t build something that tall (we’ve tried - hello, Tower of Babel). There’s also something...unassuming and bold about a mountain, too. It’s not flashy or showy. It just sits there, confident and quiet, knowing it is one of God’s most incredible creations. That’s God too. He is majesty. He is enormous. He is the Most High King. His reach expands the entire universe. He is infinite. I can’t even fathom how big He is or how much He sees. He proclaims His glory in His creation - quiet yet bold. He is confident in His perfection and glory. His reach is not only wide but deep. He is personal enough to know every little detail of the life, body, and heart that He has given each of us.

Third, mountains are really complex and diverse. Some have rounded peaks, while others poke holes in the clouds. They are covered in millions of trees - pine, aspen, fir, and so many more. Their needles and leaves combine to become a blur of green around the base. Some mountains are short enough the trees and grass grow all the way to the top. Others are too tall that plant life can’t survive on the top piece, and they become warm brown rock with a snowy-white cap. Or maybe they’re slate-grey or even a blended brownish pink. Imagine all the animal life that exists on that one mountain! There’s so much detail in that delicate balance and God knows every single piece of it. What a mind our God has to create such diversity! He was intentional to place each rock and tree and animal and crevice and snow just exactly how He wants it. He put so much care and deliberation into His creation.

He crafted the mountains as a display of His glory and His majesty. How freaking amazing!

Phew. I need to take a deep breath for a second. I get way too excited about mountains.

Whoosh. Okay, back at it.

Since that’s how God created the mountains, unaware pieces of earth, what does that say about how He created us, moving, growing beings to whom He has given the breath of life? We are His creation, just like the mountains, and not only that, we are the crowning jewel of His creation, the final piece.

“Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”  -Genesis 1:26-27

We are the only thing in all of creation that was formed in His image, created to bear His likeness and have dominion over the rest. Up until this point, He called His creation good, which includes the mountains. Do you know what He says on the sixth day, after He created us? “And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) What does that say about our identity?

Identity is a common human struggle. I think it’s something we all search for out of a desire to be known deeply by someone other than ourselves. As I was growing up, I tried to find identity in being the best at everything I did. I had to be the smartest student, the most athletic volleyball player, the most popular kid in class, and the prettiest girl. To assess this, I developed a habit of comparing myself to others constantly.

Of course, I never met this impossible standard I set for myself. There was always someone smarter, someone more athletic, someone more popular, someone prettier. My reaction to this realization was to berate myself. Suck it up, I’d tell myself, work harder, be better. When that didn’t work, I turned to relationships with others to prove my value and identity. If this person liked me, if that person called me their friend, if that boy called me his, then I would be somebody. I’d finally be worthy, special, and valuable.

No surprise here, but that system failed quickly and often. Human beings are always changing - it’s in our nature, even our bodies change daily - and as a result, my perception of my identity fluctuated constantly. Identity is not designed to fluctuate. That was not God’s intention. The moment I realized my identity was actually inexorably connected to the God who is unchanging and eternal, the God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8) my whole world shifted. That’s when I gave my life to Him.

But - sin is sneaky, you know? Years later, after I thought that I had dealt with that particular sin right there and then, it reared its ugly head again. I thought it was one and done - I put my identity in who Christ says I am once and I’ll never have to think about it again.

Yet, I discovered I was putting it elsewhere, only now, the “elsewhere” was dressed up in Christian-ese and sneaky adulty things. Instead of daughter of the Most High King, I was a youth group leader. Instead of saved by grace, I was a good auditor. Instead of designed by the God of the entire universe, I was wanted and needed by a community of other Christians.

So God had to teach me again. What a loving, patient Savior. He saves me even from myself.

What would it look like if we fully believed in the identity God has given us? If we lived confidently in it? Just like the mountains, God intentionally and carefully created each one of us. He chose the unique color of your hair and the shape of your eyes. He chose the length of your toes and gaps between your teeth. He selected each tiny piece of your heart, the skills you use in your career, the passion you bring to your friendships, and the tenderness you have for your family. He chose and customized every little piece of you.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” -Psalm 139:13-14

How special and precious are you, dear friend! You are chosen to reflect His heart.

A few years ago, I was on a youth group trip to Colorado (sensing a theme here) and our morning activity one day was a hike. We wound up the mountain as a large group, sucking thin air into our flatlander lungs and then turned around before we got to the top so we wouldn’t miss lunch. Priorities.

As we were on the way down, we started to kind of spread out. I was towards the end of the group because I couldn’t stop looking around at the view. Then, we went around a curve and the entire valley and distant mountain range opened up below us. It was spectacular. I was overwhelmed with some emotion, something that I - to this day - can’t quite find the right words to describe. It might have been true, unedited awe and amazement, or a heartbreaking kind of gratitude to our mighty God. I stood off to the side of the trail to just drink it in, letting the others pass me. I wanted to remember this moment, this feeling, for the rest of my life. I was in tears and I didn’t fully understand why.

Why?

The question wouldn’t leave my head. I kept asking God - why? Out of all of this? These mountains and these clouds and these animals and these trees? Out of all this creation - this splendor and majesty laid before me? Even that was merely a drop, a small pinprick of all He had created. Miniscule in comparison to the entire universe. Why us? Why me? Surely the mountains are more beautiful and more deserving of His love than I am. Surely the sun and clouds and stars in the sky are more worthy to bear His image than I am. Why would the God of all of this awe choose human beings, choose me, to love, to place His image upon, and to have a relationship with? Why did he want me?

“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” - Romans 11:33

In the stillness of that mountaintop, I heard Him whisper to my anguished soul, “It’s not about you, dear daughter. It’s about me.”

What a relief. It’s not about me. It’s all about HIM. This world, these skies, these mountains, these people - this is all about God. This is His choice, His story, His love, His beauty, His grace, His glory.

My identity is that I am a tiny, but adored, treasured, intricately created, and delighted in piece of it.

And dear friend, so are you.

What amazing grace.

[inky-thoughts]

How to Organize a Zine 101

Hey guys!

Since I'm almost through with my very first zine that I organised myself, I just realised how many mistakes you can make without even knowing, and I learned so much within the last few months where a lot was kind of trial and error. So I thought, you guys might like to learn more about this, and I could share my experiences and newly gained knowledge! Maybe this helps if you are looking into organising your own first zine.

If you have any tips and tricks yourself you'd like to share, let me know, I’m excited to hear about them!

I am going to go through the different steps and phases that you should take into consideration, so this might get a small series of some sort? I hope you're up for this.

Also a small disclaimer:

I'm mostly talking about fanzines that have multiple contributors, and it will focus more on artists/illustrators and writers as that is where my experience lies. I have contributed on several free e-zines as well as a printed charity zine, and now have organised my first printed for-profit zine as well.

Phase 1: The Planning

This might sound really obvious and maybe silly, but there are quite a few things that you should take into consideration before just starting a project that might overwhelm you easily. Don't already head off and create a twitter account before you haven't sat down and thought about these questions first!

First of all, you should think about the zine itself:

What topic/theme should it have?

If it is a fanzine: What ships/characters/... should be the focus?

What format does your zine have (printed/e-zine/both)?

What should be included in the zine? (Illustrations, comics, writing, photographs, ... all of them?)

How many contributors/pieces do you want in your finished zine? (especially important for printed zines)

Do you want to have additional merch, e.g. bookmarks, stickers, charms, postcards, ... , that people can purchase with your zine in a bundle?

How are the specs (how many pieces per creator/how long is one piece especially for writers)?

Is it a for-profit, charity, or free zine?

After you now have a vague idea of what you want, you need to think about competition as well if you're not having a free online zine.

How big is the fandom/target group of the specific zine you want to make?

How old are they and how likely are they to spend money on your zine?

Are there only a few, but very dedicated fans?

How many contributors can you gather from the fandom? How is the general quality of fanworks?

Are there other zines that are similar or maybe with the same topic/theme/focus and what sets your zine apart from them?

Are there other zines going around at roughly the same time with the same target group, and should you perhaps wait a little so people can afford your zine again?

Is it a thriving fandom on the rise or has activity already peaked? If no fanzine: Is your theme at the pulse of time, or has some accute relevance to a lot of people?

Especially on tumblr, there are a few blogs entirely dedicated to zines and specifically fanzines. If tagged accordingly, they'll reblog all kinds of posts about a zine, but mostly Call for Submission, Zine Schedules, and Preorder Announcements (we will talk about these later on.) It is really helpful to check those out, sometimes there are even blogs solely about one fandom's projects, so it gets watered down even more. You can also test waters through polls etc. if you have a loyal followership that might just buy your stuff because it has you in or on it. However, I don't really find those very reliable.

The next questions are mainly about the doablity of the zine for you:

If there is any kind of production costs, do you have funds to cover them if the zine doesn't sell well enough?

Do you have anyone you can trust/are friends with who is also enthusiastic about your topic that they can help you?

How do you want to split work? How much do you want to contribute to the zine yourself?

Are you ready to make the commitment to dedicate basically every free minute of your life for the next 6+ month on this project? Are you in a relatively steady environment where you don't need to handle moving, changing jobs, schools, whatever at any point during your zine work?

I highly recommend you to at least have one other person to do the organisation with you, preferrably are two or even more.

Please do not underestimate the workload you'll get, even if it doesn't seem much at first, you will write so many e-mails because you need to get back to your contributors for one thing or another, you need to make sure the files are all correct, if you have writers you need beta-reading while also putting the zine together and finding a good printing service and making sure everyone is on time. For the last 6 months, this zine was basically my job, because it is just that, just without a clear salary, or none at all.

The next thing is kind of working out a schedule, with the rough stages/phases zine creations usually have.

Application/Gathering Contributors You have the option between public applications where people just send in portfolios and you pick from those, or you invite contributors you think are interested in the zine and you would like to have in it. Sometimes, there are zines that do both, but it's rather rare. There are some zines (usually free e-zines) that accept literally everyone who applies, and while it creates an opportunity for lesser known creators and beginners to gain a little exposure and experience, it doesn't necessarily mean that the overall quality of content is consistent and what you want to hold in your hands. I had applications open for a bit more than a month since I was very eager and didn't establish any kind of excitement or build-up thereof until finally applications open, but generally it's very common to have a full month to gather applications. The minimum should be 2 weeks, though. Also, don't let yourself be blinded by the sheer amount of applicants, especially in smaller fandoms, top tier creators are rather rare and everyone tries to get into a zine about something they love.

Curating Contributors If you don't have an Invite Only zine, you'll have a very busy time ahead now: You need to look through hundred or more applications and filter who is a fit for your zine, and who is not. Bear in mind that you aren't only looking for quality of work, but also which creator's style fits your zine best. Especially if you have several disciplines in your zine (e.g. illustrations and writing), I only can recommend to split the work load according to your speciality. That way you work faster and more efficient. Give yourself at least 2 weeks, the bigger/more popular the fandom, the longer it probably will take.

Sending Acceptance/Refusal E-Mails After you chose your pick, you'll need to let people know who's in, and who is not. I would advise to send out acceptance letters first, since there will be first dropouts immediately after you finally agreed on them. As soon as you got everyone to confirm their participation, take those who barely didn't make it and put them in for pinch-hitters. You will be surprised how many you'll probably need along the way. After they confirmed that yes, they'll be pinch-hitters, send out the rejection e-mails. I consider it curtesy to send them because as applicant, you really want to know where you're standing. Calculate roughly 1-2 weeks for the e-mails because things just tend to drag along and people need a long time to respond.

Confirmations This usually only applies if you offer people to make collaborations. They need to be able to check out who else is in the zine, who is up for collaboration, whose style suits them best to collab with, test the waters with each other, and usually should come up with an idea, so again 1-2 weeks would be needed for that. However, if you have got your contributors confirmed and just need the backup and refusal mails, just set those deadlines parallel.

1st Draft Depending on how much you're already asking for, you might want them 1-2 weeks after the rejection mails went out (if you really just want to know what kind of ideas people got), or up to a month if you want first sketches/summaries. The first draft is also helpful to see if two people got the same idea, and you can steer people a little bit into the "right direction."

2nd Draft Usually this is where at least 50-75% of the work should be done if you don't take a 3rd draft. Most common are 2 Drafts and the endproduct. Give people at least a month between 1st and 2nd Draft.

Final Draft This is when the finished pieces should be due. Depending on the time of the year, the contributors might be under a lot of stress, so set this deadline roughly 1 month after the 2nd Draft. You will be stressed, everyone else will be stressed, so give yourself the time you need. Also listen to your contributors and observe if there are a lot not cutting a deadline, then maybe push them back for another 1-2 weeks. It will make everyone more relaxed.

Touch-up Phase Especially with writers, you'll need at least 2 weeks to touch up the final draft they submitted.

Buffer Time (don't write that into the official schedule but definitely calculate with it) There will always be unexpected events that will require buffer times. You also will need time to put the zine together if you didn't work on designing the file beforehand while everyone else was creating. Still, you'll need to fix some things and polish the whole thing. Minimum buffer should be 1-2 weeks.

Contributor Preorders With printed zines, it is curtesy to give every contributor a printed copy of the zine for free with them only paying for shipping & handling. This kind of established itself as compensation for their work that usually ends up to be for free as most zines are either for charity or barely cover their production costs. To know who of your contributors even wants a copy, you should give them roughly 2-3 weeks to preorder. Having those exclusive orders helps you to divide between contributors and the regular costumer if you hold both at the same storefront.

Previews (+ Proofs) Before you're launching public preorders, dedicate at least 1 week to previews to get everyone hyped up. Contributors and the "official" zine site post excerps of zine pieces so people get an idea of what the feel of the zine is. If you already got proofs/samples printed until then, post pictures of those, too! If you don't post the link to the shop yet, there definitely wouldn't be a problem to have the previews start at the same time as the contributor preorders. That way, contributors also have the chance to get a glimpse at their peer's works.

Public Preorders Depending on how eager people are for your zine, you can leave preorders relatively short, but no less than 2 weeks if you don't get an insane amount of orders within the first couple of days. People must be able to check out prices and get their paycheck before preorders close again. Some zines have a stacked preorder system where the first X orders are cheaper, and then there will be leftovers or a second phase of preorders after the first bulk has been shipped. However, this doesn't happen very often. If you don't have a hugely popular zine or are cutting way too close to any important deadlines, consider having 3-4 weeks of preorders.

Production As soon as you got your numbers from the preorders, RUN AND PURCHASE EVERYTHING. Depending on where you get your zines printed (also don't forget the optional merch on this!), you can be ready to go within a week or even more than a month. Calculating with roughly 3 weeks if you're getting your stuff from mostly national level is a good rule of thumb, however shit happens all the time anyway, so to be safe use 4-8 weeks. Let your customers know immediately if there are any delays that weren't planned.

Shipping Depending on how many orders you've got, shipping can be a hassle and most likely will take up one week or longer. Since domestic shipping is fastest, ship international orders first, that way customers don't have the feeling that they're forgotten.

E-Zine Currently, a common trend is to first get the physical copies sold, and then sell e-zines to gather more money and cover leftover production costs of the printed zine. Especially international customers and college students prefer e-zines because of the incredibly high shipping rates around the globe. E-zines aren't linked to any production at all after you got the file put together, so if you set up your storefront with the download, everyone simply downloads it. You can have those open as you like, common is anything between 1-3 month and even a whole year. If no money is involved at all, a lot of zines just exist as a permanent free download in a dropbox or other cloud, so this is the least complicated process.

Conventions Really, it's not necessary to put this up in the schedule, but thinking about it might be helpful. If you have a physical zine, you and some contributors might want to sell it on conventions, so offering them to buy a bulk to a smaller rate can be helpful to spread the zine's exposure. We handled this with "buying on commission" - mainly the contributor only pays for the printing costs + shipping, and later will pay part of the profit back to you. Especially with international contributors, be aware of the longer shipping time. Also reprints might take their time. I personally made it a rule to order the reprints 3 months before the con, and reprints can be made up until one year, but really, you don't need to do this.

After you've got your rough schedule, I would advise you to already gather information on how to produce and spread the finished zine. This also helps to know how much you should have in your backup fund for the zine.

For physical zines/merch

Check out printing services! compare prices and quality as well as product range, and find out how long production takes

Find an online storefront where you want to sell it if you don't have one yet

Research on conventions and fairs where you might sell the zine

Learn about shipping rates and which company is suited best for your purpose

For e-zines

Research on your options:

If it's free, what cloud-service are you most comfortable with?

Find a dowload hosting platform you're comfortable with that also lets you charge per download

Is a round-mailing an option? if yes, do your research on online storefronts as well.

Advertising + Web Presence

This is basically finding your social media where you want to spread the word and store all the information of your zine. It is common for a zine with multiple contributors and mods to have its own web presence.

Tumblr and twitter are very popular for this as tumblr basically is a quick-for-setup homepage where you can spread information incredibly fast if you get to the right people, you have the option to answer questions people have regarding your zine, and twitter is nice and handy to keep applicants and potential customers updated. Also think about where you've got a large following and can advertise the zine yourself. Twitter/tumblr is not required, but most definitely helpful.

If you yourself aren't very known or popular, try to get more influencial people interested in participating, or simply promoting your zine. It definitely helps to have a larger audience. Also find out about the tags used by largely popular zines, and what you can learn from them. Learn how the fanproject blogs filter content they might reblog.

Things you also shouldn't underestimate is affiliations! If there is a zine/project with a largely similar forcus and theme, try to get on their better side, and help each other out. They might be your competition, but if you schedule your zine in a clever way, you won't need to worry about this at all since preorder phase won't overlap at all. They might help you advertise your zine while you do the same for them.

There are also forums on zines and fanzines, but I think nowadays it's rare that you'll go viral through those. I personally don't have any experience with those, so if anyone has, I'm happy to hear about it!

next >>

Masterpost

[epicfics]

Humans Fic: 15 After Zero - 1) Know My Name

A/N: I wasn’t sure whether I should try this, as it’s so unorthodox. But my blog was feeling stale, so I did it anyways!

I’m sorry if I get the British educational system messed up, I tried to be as vague as possible but some things you can’t fake.

My name is Louisa Bell. I like football and electronica, and my favourite colour is red.

I recite these things like an actress, loud enough for a fly on the wall to hear, but not my mother. But even as I speak to the girl in the mirror, she mocks me with silence, her dark curls and hazel eyes stripping every word of it into a lie. Even the last bit – I doubt you’ll ever be so unfortunate to need to lie about your favourite colour.

But for me, the world is held together by a connected sharpness; the pitch of black, the blinding of white, and every vivid detail in between. There is no simple answer for anything.

Tension clenching my shoulders like claws, I close my eyes and allow my mind to run backwards in time. Memories flicker like brief commercials, until I settle upon one of Sophie Hawkins. Her medium-length hair is plaited back, displaying the silver chain around her neck – I’d given her the heart charm myself just before she left for university. With a wistful smile, she says, “This planet doesn’t need more people like me. It needs more like you.” Easy words for a girl who grew up like a flower under a sunbeam. I had about all the optimism of a lemon. And there isn’t enough sugar in the world for Sophie to sweeten that into lemonade.

I open my eyes to a bedroom that looks like the aftermath of a disaster film, surrounded by clothes that haven’t yet made it to the wash, and unlikely ever will. Household-cleaning Synthetics had stopped being manufactured altogether when I was seven. When the war hit its peak.

Mum reminds me it’s not safe to start attending school now. Some groups of Green-Eyed Synths are more radical than others, and I cannot speak against them or I will be in danger. I cannot speak for them, or I will be in danger.

“Lou?” Mum’s distant summons from the foyer is expected, as is what follows. “I’m not kidding around – if you want to stay home, feel free to just ignore me.”

Understandably, the situation has made her a bit terse. The news has never been easy on us, but when justice for Day Zero had at last been fully served two years ago, we’d needed to relocate to Bristol. In London, our name has spread like a virus through every district, and my last act before we moved away had been to temporarily paralyse a boy in another class that was organising a guerrilla-style revolt on a Synth army. Undoubtedly, here as Louisa Bell I would be commended for using my skill with pressure points to prevent tragedy. I would be famous as a holistic medicine practitioner rather than a crossbred creature.

“Louisa!”

I sigh, looking at the face in the mirror one more time. My father’s face.

My favorite colour is a prism. I like sharp objects and fire, and the sound of water crashing with the wind makes me feel alive. My name is Louisa Hawkins, and when I grow up I want people to know it.

 *** 

From Google Maps, Bristol looks largely like one large postcard-ready suburban utopia. Our neighbourhood seems to have sprung up out of a golf course. The school is a pile of neatly-stacked copper coloured bricks on a patch of black concrete. Mum sits in the driver’s seat of our parked compact car, shaking her head.

“What?” I ask her, ready to get out.

She mutters, “It looks like Waltringham.”

Waltringham, one of the earlier Synth free communities in England. Or as my grandmother calls it, Pleasantville 2020.

“Cool,” I say, blatantly nonchalant, opening the door with a click and a punch.

“Lulu?” I turn my head at the sound of my nickname. She uses it whenever she’s thinking about my father. But I know what she’s worried about.

I step out of the car and say, “I promise, Mum. I know what’s at stake this time.”

“Actually, I was gonna say…” she drew a breath. “It might not be worth it. You shouldn’t have to force yourself into this other person. It’s not healthy.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I tell her, although I also want to laugh. Does anyone tell a chameleon not to change.

It’s only the third time we’ve been through this. Each year I make a mistake that pushes me further towards prison. And my father is not in prison anymore.

I can’t meet him if he doesn’t know where to find me.

I slam the car door shut and make my march toward Pleasantville 2.0.

 *** 

Contrary to my mother’s anxiety, the only fear I really had for today was being underdressed. I was expecting tidy jumpers and slacks, rather than biker jackets and jeans. Thankfully, I’m not entirely out of place here.

My classes run by quietly. Only when teacher announces discussion groups for current events does a knot in my stomach start stretching, waiting. We’re to choose a freestyle debate topic – an insane idea, really, as a band of fourteen-year olds might not grasp logic before passion in arguments better than some college kids can.

To my right, Owen is scribbling our ideas onto scrap paper. “New taxes. Continuing effects of Brexit. Copyright rules on fan-generated media.” He frowns. “No one’s gonna suggest resolution for the Green-Eye War?”

Well, I’d known that was coming. To be cool, I raise my eyebrows patronisingly and say, “I’d rather avoid starting a war in here.”

Clearly confused, Owen asks, “But who here’d want to side with the Synths?”

“You tell me, if you’re the one who wants to do a two-sided debate on it.”

“She’s got you in one, Owen,” says the girl on my right. Veronica. Striking, with dark red hair, and fair skin surrounding ruby lips and eyes as blue as a swimming pool. “Although, I don’t know why we’d rather spare this box of morons when anarchy is so much more fun.”

Her eyes catch mine, and she winks. And…I’m in love.

“Right, well because you said it,” sighs Owen, circling a topic. “Copyright issues it is. “Veronica will be on the side of the Internet, I’ll take on the concerns of the copyright - .”

She warns, “I will slaughter you.”

Showing no sign of fear, Owen then points at me, “Louisa, is it? You’ll play moderator.”

I twist my lips in frustration. I should be used to this designation as my former classmates refused to allow me more active participation, but still. New school, new rules.  “You reckon I’ll be better at listening to you both argue than having my own say?”

“What, you know right now already you’ll be good at this debate?” says Owen, pushing his glasses to the bridge of his nose. He stares at me in doubt.

“Probably. I’m good at everything.”

“Bully for you.” He groans, and then says to Veronica, “I suppose that’s the real debate right here.”

Veronica laughs, the sound bearing the carefree joy of a child. “Can you blame her though? You just went about putting us all in our places without any help.”

Looking as helpless as though Veronica paralysed him with pressure points herself, Owen snaps, “Okay. It’s Anarchy, 1 at Law and Order, 0. Little Miss Good-at-Everything gets to play the side of the copyright holders.” Then he leaves us to report our decision.

I smile sweetly in his direction and say softly, “Such a nice guy.”

Veronica snorts at this. “You can take the position of the content creators. I don’t mind a challenge.”

“Neither do I,” I confess. And while her smile warms me, I also think, I have no experience with the subject. I’ve never done anything creative in my life. In truth, I would be better moderating the debate between Veronica and Owen. But I hate it when my choices are made for me.

“By the way,” Veronica interrupts my thoughts. “That classroom war over the Synths? Already happened last year.”

I take care to ensure my tone is neutral before asking, “How did it end?”

Veronica smirks. “Bloody. About half of us wanted to crack down and use government resources to research a way to shut down all of their systems externally. Of course, there’s no telling how such a hack through that electronic network would affect other co-existing electronic networks. Your smart microwave could turn on and blow up your house!”

I shudder at this, but Veronica continues, “The rest of us, being the awesome freaks that we were, suggested looking for a truce with Leo Elster. Since, you know, he’s got some sway for all of it, being the son of the man that created them ,and the mastermind of Day Zero.”

Mastermind? There was no mastermind of Day Zero. Only a girl trying to save a Synth’s life, and later on a boy trying to save hers.

Does he have that much influence over the warring Synths, though? Doubtful, or there would be nothing to fight about now. But then, he’s only been out of prison for two years, thanks to my grandmother Laura’s strenuous efforts to get his sentenced reduced. For all I know, he could be starting a change.

I’ve never met Leo Elster. He was arrested before I was born. He claimed responsibility for delivering consciousness to every Synth on the planet so my mother didn’t have to. I’m not supposed to see him yet, not until Mum has deemed us safe. With who we are haunting our shadows, we’ll never be safe. Yet still, Veronica’s endorsement on his behalf makes me want to run out and find him. And maybe grab her by the arm and take her with me?

I want to say all this aloud and more. But with Owen returning, I shrug instead. “I wouldn’t know anything about it.”

Inwardly cringing from Veronica’s crestfallen expression, I open my notebook and write, Why Copywriters Should Negotiate a Truce –

I stop, rereading what I’ve just jotted down.

Maybe Leo Elster can negotiate a truce. Or maybe I can. With him. Because with the girl sitting next to me as living proof that there are humans with goodwill towards conscious Synthetics, I realise I may be able to reach people in a way that he, closed off as he is, cannot.

Forget what Mum said. By the synthetic additive in my DNA, I’ll find my father all on my own.

to be continued

[douchebagbrainwaves]

BUT SOMETHING SEEMS TO COME WITH PRACTICE

But as technologies for recording and playing back your life improve, it may actually help, in cultivating intelligence, to have as much in it as all knowledge up to that point. By seeming unable even to cut a grapefruit in half let alone go to the store and buy one, he forced other people to do unpleasant jobs is the draft, and that may hamper you from thinking about taste, even as yours grows. This is the second half of launching fast. But surely a necessary, if not sufficient, condition was that people who made fortunes be able to recognize it. But money is just the kind that tends to be set in stone. It would not be.1 And a good thing, there do seem to be an assistant professor. Your tastes will change. Unfortunately, there is a degenerate case where what someone wants you to do is execute. They won't be replaced wholesale. Compositional symmetry yields some of the time.

This is ridiculous, really. This fallacy is usually there in the background when you hear someone talking about how x percent of the population have y percent of the population have y percent of the population have y percent of the population have y percent of the population have y percent of the wealth.2 Some angels, especially those with technology backgrounds, may be satisfied with a search result than going to the site and buying something? The first was the rule of law. An optimization marketplace would be a bit frightening—that's starting to sound like a company where the technical side, at least to yourself, that there is a good hacker, between about 23 and 38, and who wants to solve the money problem once and for all instead of working for the Post Office your whole life to your work. Most of our educational traditions aim at wisdom. When everyone feels they're getting a slightly bad deal, because his performance is dragged down by the overall lower performance of the entire company.3

It turns out that no one would invest in a company with several times the power Google has now, but few professors of French literature could make it through a PhD program in French literature, but few professors of French literature could make it through a PhD program in physics. We've now reached that point with stuff. If there is such a thing as good and bad design, then you should probably choose the other. Good people can fix bad ideas, but the overall experience is much better than the others'.4 Business people are bad at open-mindedness is no guarantee. But a very able person who does care about money will ordinarily do better to learn how to hang glide, or to speak a foreign language fluently, that will be enough to make you say, for a time as a mercenary in Africa, for a while. What I will say is that I don't think many people have the physical stamina much past that age. When most people think of startups, they think, than to be a good thing. They didn't care about targeting.

When something pays well but is regarded with contempt, like telemarketing, or prostitution, or personal injury litigation, ambitious people aren't tempted by it. You want to live at the office in a startup. When I went to work there. So how do you know it's not 70%? Once you're allowed to do that? We're looking for things we can't say. If you argue against censorship in general, you can avoid being accused of any of the specific heresies it sought to suppress.5 A startup should give its competitors as little information as possible. But I think it will also be considered to have triumphed, as if to protect against cosmic rays. But if you order results by bid multiplied by transactions, far from selling out, you're getting a better measure of relevance.6 Most good hackers have unbearable personalities, could we stand to have them around?7 In fact, a high average outcome depends mostly on experience, but that dramatic peaks can only be achieved by people with certain rare, innate qualities; nearly anyone can learn to be a better solution.

On one side is the Valley, and on the other is how much you improve their lives. We take applications for funding every 6 months. Are you writing pages of fiction, however bad? -Job route is dangerous because it teaches you so little about what you want, not money. If, like other eras, we believe things that will later turn out to be strange. It's probably less, in fact; it means, I'm not going to make money from it, but if there had been one person with a spell checker reduced one section to Zen-like incomprehensibility: Also, common spelling errors will tend to get founded by self-selecting groups of ambitious people who already know one another, and techniques spread rapidly between them. I left Yahoo in 1999, so I don't know if this one is possible, but there seems a decent chance it's true. I bet a lot of people with technical backgrounds. If IBM had required an exclusive license, as they should have, Microsoft would still have been a bargain to buy us at an early stage, but companies doing acquisitions are not looking for bargains. Two of our three original hackers were in grad school the whole time, and both got their degrees.

Technology will increasingly make it possible to relive our experiences. In this case they were mostly negative lessons: don't have a sales guy running the company? But giving the name wisdom to the supposed quality that enables one to do that. All you need to do is be part of a study. Mapmakers deliberately put slight mistakes in their maps so they can work on more interesting stuff later. And notice the beautiful mountains to the west of 280: Woodside, Portola Valley, Los Altos Hills, Saratoga, Los Gatos. But Palo Alto is getting expensive. It would not merely be bad for your career to say that is, if you asked random people on the street if they'd like to do but can't.

There are specific implications. We didn't know that, so far as it goes. But this time the result may be different from what we think of now as cancer. But wait, here's another that could face even greater resistance: ongoing, automatic medical diagnosis. Instead of concentrating on the features Web consultants and catalog companies would want, we worked to make the universal web site? In those days you could go public as a dogfood portal, so as a company has sunk into technical mediocrity and recovered.8 The point of painting from life is that it has to be is a test. And you have to have a say in running the company; don't make a high-level language, in the sense of getting a quick yes or no. One of the weirdest things about Yahoo when I went to work there. Apple's revenues may continue to rise for a long time, but as far as I can tell it isn't.

So what does Hardy mean when he says there is no way to get rich, or you get nothing. It means much the same. But boy did things seem different. Why do startups have to be developed by entrepreneurs. I put the lower bound at 23 not because there's something wrong with you if you don't do everything you're supposed to do what the teacher says. Cube farms suck for that, as you've probably discovered if you've tried it. Like guerillas, startups prefer the difficult terrain of the mountains, where the troops of the central government can't follow. Applications for the current funding cycle closed on October 17, well after the markets tanked, and even have bad service, and people will keep coming. In fact, a high average may help support high peaks. University Ave would have been very different. Certainly the fact that your competitors don't get it.

Notes

Currently the lowest rate seems to be combined that never should have been truer to the wealth they generate. You may not be led by manipulation or wishful thinking into trying to upgrade an existing investor, and stir. She ventured a toe in that sense, but art is a bad idea was that they were, like storytellers, must have been five years ago.

Doing Business in 2006, http://doingbusiness. Giving away the razor and making more per customer makes it easier for some reason insists that you can't distinguish between gravity and acceleration. Do College English 28 1966-67, pp.

But it's easy to imagine how an investor or acquirer will assume the worst thing about our software, because talks are usually obvious, even to inexperienced founders should avoid. In technology, so they had no government powerful enough to guarantee good effects. If you walk into a few months by buying politicians. Why does society foul you?

Monk, Ray, Ludwig Wittgenstein: The French Laundry in Napa Valley. The markets seem to understand about startups.

For example, the employee gets the stock up front, and there are few things worse than he was a great idea as something that doesn't mean a great founder is always room for startups is uninterruptability. I'm pathologically optimistic about people's ability to change the meaning of distribution. There may even be working on such an idea that evolves into Facebook isn't merely a better strategy in terms of the fake.

But you can get for free. They bear no blame for opinions not expressed in it. Because it's better to be good startup founders, because the money. But they also commit to you as employees by buying their startups.

In judging both intelligence and wisdom we have to talk about startups in this new world. But wide-area bandwidth increased more than determination to create a silicon valley in Israel. Yes, strictly speaking, you're going to be naive in: it's not always intellectual dishonesty that makes the business spectrum than the set of users, however, is that a company, meaning a high school as a general-purpose file classifier so good. And journalists as part of their pitch.

The idea is bad.

Thanks to John Collison, Rich Draves, Jessica Livingston, Trevor Blackwell, and Hugues Steinier for putting up with me.

[astrogeoguy]

More Meteors Streak through Moonless Midnights, Winter is Coming, and Telescope Buying Tips!

(Above: This Dobsonian style reflector makes an excellent first telescope because it is simple, but powerful - showing you the moon and planets as well as dimmer objects like nebulas and bright galaxies. Many brands come in this format.)

Astronomy Skylights for this week (from December 17th, 2017) by Chris Vaughan. (Feel free to pass this along to friends and send me your comments, questions, and suggested topics.) I post these with photos at http://astrogeoguy.tumblr.com/ where the old editions are archived. You can also follow me on Twitter as @astrogeoguy! Unless otherwise noted, all times are Eastern Time. Please click this MailChimp link to subscribe to these emails. If you are a teacher or group leader interested joining me on a guided field trip to York University’s Allan I. Carswell Observatory, or another in your area, visit www.astrogeo.ca.

(Above: As the Earth orbits the sun, it’s polar axis points continuously at the same point in the sky. On the June and December Solstices, the northern hemisphere’s pole tilts directly towards and away from the sun respectively, causing the noon-day sun to reach its highest and lowest points in the sky for the year. A lower sun delivers weaker solar radiation for a shorter number of hours, giving us cold winter temperatures.)

Happy Holidays, everyone! Or, as we astronomers say, “Have a Happy Solstice and a Merry Perihelion!” 

For the Northern Hemisphere, the first day of winter, also called the Winter Solstice, occurs on Thursday, December 21st at 11:28 am Eastern Time. At that precise moment, the north pole of the Earth’s axis of rotation will be tilting directly away from the Sun. Every day, at local noon, the Sun reaches its highest position in the sky for that day. But at the Winter Solstice, that position is the lowest (i.e., farthest south, celestially) for the entire year, and we receive the shortest amount of daylight. The sunlight that we do get this time of year is diluted because it’s spread over a larger area, the same way a flashlight beam looks dimmer when you shine it obliquely at a wall (try it!). 

Fewer hours and weaker sunlight both translate into less received solar energy (insolation) and therefore colder temperatures! Good news for us, though - after Thursday, our days start growing longer again! For our friends in the Southern Hemisphere, the Sun will attain its highest noon-time height for the year on the solstice, and it marks the start of their summer season. 

It is NOT the case, as some people think, that we are colder in winter because we are farther to the Sun (a position called aphelion) – in actuality that happens every year in early July! On the contrary – we’re approaching Earth’s nearest position from the Sun (perihelion), which occurs every January 4, or thereabouts. 

Telescope Buying Tips

A few people have asked me about buying a first telescope. Two of the most important characteristics in telescope performance are its aperture (the diameter of the main “tube”) and the sturdyness of the mount/tripod. The aperture is the diameter of the main mirror or lens in the telescope, and the larger it is, the more light it can gather, allowing fainter objects to be seen more brightly and easily. A larger aperture also increases the telescope’s angular resolution, or sharpness, which is especially helpful for planets. 

In a refractor telescope (the type with the lens at the front end of the main tube), look for a minimum diameter of 60 mm. This type of telescope will offer nice views of the brighter planets, the Moon, double stars, and brighter nebulae and clusters. The performance of a telescope improves with the square of the aperture, so an 80 mm telescopes is (80*80)/(60*60) = 1.8 times more powerful than a 60 mm telescope! Nearly double! 

In reflector telescopes (the type with the large mirror inside the bottom of the main tube), diameters of 6 or 8 inches are common and affordable. Because of that aperture scaling rule, they outperform the refractor telescope by showing dimmer galaxies and clusters, especially from a dark sky, while also showing the same brighter objects. 

The second important factor when shopping is the mount, including the tripod. A high quality telescope on a rickety mount is practically useless. Every time you touch it, for focusing or centering an object, you set off a wild shaking of the image. This is one of the main reasons why cheap department store telescopes are poor investments – people get frustrated when they can’t put objects in the field of view. 

(Above: The Skywatcher BK 705AZ3 refractor features a resonable aperture and a sturdy alt-azmount and tripod with slow motion controls.)

Skywatcher makes a good affordable series of starter telescopes. Here’s a 70mm diameter model that ticks all the boxes. They have larger aperture versions, too. Look for the “AZ3” part of the model number. It’s a good, lightweight, and sturdy tripod that includes slow motion controls for following the object as the Earth turns. Any other brand with the same specifications should be okay, too. 

The type of telescope I recommend most for beginners is the Dobsonian style. While larger and heavier, they are simple and easy to set up and use. They are less portable, but are quite rugged and can be transported in the trunk of your car if padded decently. The beauty of the Dobsonian design is the extremely sturdy mounting system – not a tripod., but a swivelling and tilting box that holds the big tube. Once aimed at a target, a simple nudge with your finger will re-centre the object without any undue shaking. These types of telescopes typically show a generous amount of sky in their eyepiece, making finding targets much easier. I’ll post a picture of this type on my Tumblr blog here. 

The best brands of consumer telescopes include Meade Instruments, Celestron, Skywatcher, Orion, and iOptron. Some of the GTA telescope vendors include New Eyes Old Skies, Ontario Telescope, KW Telescope, and Khan Scope. Many of these vendors offer both new and used equipment, which can be a very cost effective solution. Dobsonians in particular can be found used on sites like Kijiji and the Canadian astronomy selling site Astrobuysell. Good used telescope prices range from $250 to $400. If you are buying used, make sure that you try the telescope on a star – to ensure that you can achieve a sharp pinpoint focus. One last tip – the eyepiece does the job of magnifying. So look for telescopes that accept eyepieces with 1.25” diameter barrels – the standard for quality equipment. That way you can add extra eyepieces, or upgrade to better quality ones later. 

Here’s an online beginner telescope buying guide from the Backyard Astronomer's Guide folks.

Public Events

I now have access to an inflatable planetarium and digital projection system for school and group presentation! Send me a note if you want to know more about that. 

Taking advantage of dark moonless evening skies this week, the members of the RASC Toronto Centre will gather for dark sky stargazing at Long Sault Conservation area, northeast of Oshawa on (only) the first clear evening from Monday to Thursday this week. You don’t need to be an RASC member, or own any equipment, to join them. Check here for details and watch the banner on their homepage or their Facebook page for the GO or NO-GO decision around 5 pm each day. 

On Monday evenings, York University’s Allan I. Carswell Observatory runs an online star party - broadcasting views from four telescopes/cameras, answering viewer questions, and taking requests! Details are here. And on Wednesday evenings after dark, they offer free public viewing through their telescopes. If it’s cloudy, the astronomers give tours and presentations. Details are here.

(Above: The annual Ursid Meteor Shower peaks on December 22 before dawn. Meteors can appear anywhere in the sky, but all Ursids will appear to travel away from the radiant above the Little Dipper.) 

Ursid Meteor Shower Peak

The annual Ursid meteor shower runs from December 17 to 23 annually. This year, it peaks during the wee hours of Friday, December 22, when seeing 10- 20 meteors per hour is possible under dark skies. The best time to watch will be from midnight until dawn that morning, but you can also watch after dinner. The moon will be a young waxing crescent that sets in early evening on the peak night, setting up good meteor watching conditions. The shower’s radiant is above the Little Dipper in Ursa Minor (Little Bear), near Polaris, but the meteors can appear anywhere. I wrote about meteor-watching tips last week.

The Moon and Planets

The New Moon phase, when the moon is crossing the imaginary line between Earth and the Sun, occurs at 1:30 am on Monday morning. So the moon will be hidden from view beside the Sun in the daytime sky. The first chance to see the moon again comes Monday at sunset, when its extremely slim silver crescent will be low in the western sky. Over the following few evenings, the moon will wax (grow thicker) and draw away from the Sun, but it will still set early in the evening – giving us dark moonless nights for most of this week. 

If you’re an early riser, you’ve probably been seeing a very bright object shining in the eastern dawn sky. That’s Jupiter, which rises about 4 am local time this week and is well above the southeastern horizon by dawn. Much dimmer and red-tinted, Mars, which rises before Jupiter, at about 3:30 am local time, is sitting to Jupiter’s upper right. On Monday morning, Mars will be about a fist diameter from Jupiter. But over the course of this week, Mars’ eastward orbital motion will carry it towards Jupiter, so the separation between them will shrink to a palm’s width next weekend.

(Above: The pre-dawn sky, shown here for 6:45 am local time on Decmeber 24, 2017, has all the naked eye planets this month - with Mars rising first, followed by Jupiter, and then Mercury. Over the course of this week, Mercury’s orbit swings it away from the sun, making it easy to spot about 6:45 am local time,)

Mercury re-appears in the pre-dawn sky this week. It’s going to be quite easy to see - especially later in the week when it has climbed farther from the sun. Between about 6:45 and 7 am local time, it will be the medium bright “star” sitting low in the southeastern sky. 

With Venus and Saturn hidden near the sun, Uranus and Neptune are the only planets left in the evening sky, setting about 2:30 am and 11 pm local time respectively. Blue-green Uranus is midway between the two chains of stars that form the dim constellation of Pisces (the Fishes). Tiny blue Neptune, only observable in a backyard telescope, is about half a finger’s width below the medium-bright star Hydor in Aquarius (the Water-Bearer).

Keep looking up to enjoy the sky! I love getting questions so, if you have any, send me a note.