#001 / barty crouch

[diwatopia]

rules.

( note. ) — please read carrd and rules before requesting.

( 001. ) ★ as of right now, i only write for harry potter / the marauders, and into / across the spiderverse. more specifically, james potter, remus lupin, sirius black, regulus black, barty crouch jr., poly!marauders, and hobie brown. this is subject to change!

( 002. ) ★ all of my works are sfw and the main genres i write are fluff, angst, comfort, comedy. i don't mind writing suggestive / smut as long it doesn't have any dark themes.

( 003. ) ★ i mainly switch between fem!reader and gn!reader but will usually stick with they / them pronouns. my works are reader insert unless stated otherwise. i occasionally will use y/n and will state so in the warning section.

( 004. ) ★ being serious, i usually only write with se-asian people / features in mind. it's what i'm most comfortable with, it's what i know so please don't ask me to write for any other ethnicity. i can always share other blogs that highlight other ethnicities if you ask nicely! :3

( 005. ) ★ i give full credit to the owners of every picture i use within my blog. speaking of taking things that aren't yours, do not copy, translate, alter, or repost any of my works. if you ever see something that closely resembles my work, please let me know as i have no other platforms that i'm posting on, only tumblr.

( 006. ) ★ criticism is always welcome, please be polite. bullying of any kind is highly prohibited and will result in being blocked. be kind and have fun at diwatopia! :3

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[paradoxlostrp]

the year is 1979, and you have lived this life before. paradox lost is a highly alternate universe marauders era roleplay. it involves aged up characters and extreme diversions and alterations of canon. join is as we explore the plot and focus on collaborative character development and story progression. muns and muses must be strictly 18+.

MOBILE NAVIGATION.  TAKEN CHARACTERS: 002. ◆ APPLICATION COUNT: 006. ◆ RESERVES: 001 ◆ ACCEPTANCE DATE: acceptances will be decided when we reach 10 applications.  MOST WANTED CHARACTERS: james potter, remus lupin, peter pettigrew, mary macdonald, emmeline vance, marlene mckinnon, dorcas meadowes, frank longbottom, alice longbottom (surname to decided by player), pandora lovegood (surname to decided by player), evan rosier, barty crouch jr....

ADMIN ALINA IS CURRENTLY.... ONLINE / OFFLINE. (usually responds in 15 minutes) 

[lu--wtfisup]

I posted 474 times in 2022

That's 194 more posts than 2021!

12 posts created (3%)

462 posts reblogged (97%)

I tagged 307 of my posts in 2022

Only 35% of my posts had no tags

#hannibal - 34 posts

#arg - 28 posts

#movies - 21 posts

#ofmd - 16 posts

#comic - 9 posts

#succession - 8 posts

#video - 7 posts

#tiktok - 7 posts

#wwdits - 6 posts

#dc - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 80 characters

#i start singing a random song and wait for the first five letter word to show up

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

001... Harry Potter...

UGH!! njfkjls

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character: Harry u.u

Least Favorite character: en el sentido de "lo detesto lo odio por lo que hace y lo que es" SNAPE, pero en el sentido de "que personaje de mierda que escribiste, Joanne" Dumbledore

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): draco/harry, ron/hermione, harry/luna, sirius/lupin, hermione/viktor

Character I find most attractive: viktor 🥵

Character I would marry: harry

Character I would be best friends with: seamus AHRE igual sí me gustaría escabiar con él

a random thought: justo hoy hablé con una amiga sobre como JK agarró a los elfos y los hizo ESCLAVOS y lo justificó con que ESA ES SU NATURALEZA que psicópata de mierda

An unpopular opinion: hace poco me explicaron por qué existe la ship fred/hermione... AND I GET IT

My Canon OTP: ron/hermione

My Non-canon OTP: draco/harry

Most Badass Character: mcgonagall

Most Epic Villain: barty crouch jr hdfjskds that little freak, todavía me acuerdo que el plot twist me re sorprendió

Pairing I am not a fan of: ginny/luna nunca me convenció

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): TODOS jdjjdjsjsk pero supongo que el peor de todos es Dumbledore

Favourite Friendship: harry/luna

Character I most identify with: DEAN ah no sé me gusta q es un introvertido secundario y q siempre anda con un extrovertido secundario literally me

Character I wish I could be: ninguno no quiero existir en el mundo de harry potter

4 notes - Posted March 10, 2022

#4

someone fuckgkn

someoen fukcing shoot me on sight

7 notes - Posted February 1, 2022

#3

it sucks to watch other people live your dreams

44 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

#2

i’ve connected the dots

...

...

See the full post

75 notes - Posted June 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

bueno pero qué les salió en el quiz de qué jugador de la Scaloneta sos?

111 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[allaircss]

for barty crouch .

location   :      dept.   of    international   magical   cooperation tag   :      @crchjr​​

❝      come   to   gawk   at   me   playing   the   little   owl   ?      no   really   ,      this   isn’t   your   usual   haunt   .      don’t   tell   me   you   missed   me   ?   ❞

[regulusblock]

barty crouch jr aesthetic

[bvrgins]

closed  //  @sycrx​

            “  what  do  you  even  do  with  the  stuff  you  buy ?  do  you  have  like  a  whole  hidden  room  for  them  or  something ?  ”

[henrvkas]

                    “  barty  can  you  pass  the  bacon ?  ”  a  pause ,  no  response .  “  i  SAID ;  can  you  pass  the  bacon ?  ”

@sycrx​

[ourpyrrhicvictory]

@lafleurxnoir​ | plotted starter | barty & narcissa.

I’m not a father. Every single day since , it is the first coherent thought he has upon waking up in the morning. Today , the thought is joined by another , pouring over the papers sitting on the side of his bed , the guest bed. He always thought when he was served with divorce papers , he would already be out of the house , not down the hall from their bedroom feeling like a ghost.

I am not going to be a husband either.

Sitting up , he rubs his eyes and looks at the clock. It’s early , too early , but he knows he won’t be able to get back to sleep. They’re to leave today for home , a holiday parade of fake smiles and superficial satisfaction with one another. His shame covers him like mud and makes it difficult to move , but he know that he has to. He can’t break his mother’s heart on Christmas after all. She loves Cissa as much —if not more— than she loves Barty , and he admires it more than anything. And her family . . . no , he could never look any of them in the eye again if he had to admit he’d failed , that her father had been right about him , that he hadn’t been good enough. But at the end of the day , this grief continues to eat him alive and hold him down , and he is unable to shake his guilt. And every time he looks at her , all he sees is his failure. He’d frozen up.

He’d let her down. He’d let his child down as well.

But he still loves her , more than he loves himself , and he won’t let her face everyone alone. So for the first time in more than eight months , he pulls himself together and tells himself that he’s okay. And even if he doesn’t believe it , he has to make everyone else. At least for the next week or so.

Once he’s finished packing and the sun has risen over the horizon , he ventures downstairs , sure he would find her ready and waiting. She’s always waiting on him , isn’t she ? It’s half the reason they’ve decided to call it quits , isn’t it ? She deserves better , and better is not him. Not anymore.

❛ Cis - Narcissa ? Are you ready to go ? ❜

[asiriuscrushonmoonyx]

001. Bartylus 002. Regulus Black 003. Regulus Black, Barty Crouch Jr., Remus Lupin, James Potter and Sirius Black 🥰

Ahh so much!! Thank you 🥰

001 - Bartylus

When I started shipping it if I did: I probably started shipping it hardcore around 2017/2018? I’d written a few fics of them before but I started a new blog called marauderbloggers and that’s when my characterisations of Reg and Barty became more solid in my mind and I just fell in love with the pairing.

My thoughts: With these two characters, there’s so much we don’t know about them. So I always base my thoughts on them on my own characterisations of them — I know a lot of people write Reg and Barty completely different to me but I’ll go on how I write them. I think they are just perfect together. Best friends to lovers. It’s just an unconditional love that is so powerful and precious and gives me all the feels!!

What makes me happy about them: The way they bring out the best in each other. Regulus finds himself smiling with Barty, which is something special because the smol bean doesn’t have much to smile about. And Reg keeps Barty grounded and calm because he can be a bit chaotic at times. They’re best friends so they literally know each other back to front, and know what the other needs without speaking a word. And it’s adorable 😍

What makes me sad about them: Canon events I guess. If I’m sticking to canon I hc the idea of Reg becoming a death eater due to pressure from his parents and Barty joining with him because 1) it’ll piss off his disgusting abusive dad, and 2) because he doesn’t want Reg to go through it alone. But Barty gets kinda drawn into it and starts enjoying being a death eater whereas Reg knows he’s made a huge mistake. And after Barty kills someone and Reg realised Barty is okay with that, he hates himself for turning Barty into this person, he feels guilty and heartbroken, and he goes to that cave to get the locket in hope that he can stop Voldemort primarily so he can save the man he loves from becoming someone he doesn’t recognise. And obviously, Reg dies. And. Ugh. I wrote a short fic about this actually — let me know if you wanna read.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Nothing really. Bartylus isn’t really a common ship and I tend not to read much because of the characterisations being different from what I’d imagine. I guess if I had to pick something it would be when people make Snape their friend. Just nope. Also I really find it weird when people make them different houses or different ages. I love them being best friends and Slytherin dorm-mates. It’s a huge part of my characterisations for them.

Things I look for in fanfic: I mean, them both being smol beans?? That need to be protected??? At all costs???

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Regulus with James and Barty with Antonin. But only if both those pairings happen. I would hate if only one happened but the other didn’t and then one part of my OTP is left alone while the other is with someone else 😭

My happily ever after for them: Them running away together after Hogwarts - Reg away from his horrible family, Barty away from his awful dad — and them just being able to be together. Reg becomes a magizoologist and they get a pet niffler because Reg has always wanted one, they get married and adopt kids and Barty loves being a stay-at-home dad because he can teach his kids all the nerdy things he loves and its just so cute and so different from the way they were raised and they’re just truly happy.

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: They switch. It depends who needs to be cuddled on a particular day.

What is their favourite non-sexual activity: Watching movies together. The day they (two pureblood wizards) discover the awesomness that is a movie is the day they decide they will watch movies together forever. Also they really love to cuddle while watching movies.

..

002 - Regulus Black

How I feel about this character: He is the smolest bean in the world, I love him so so so much. I can literally talk about him forever he’s so precious.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Barty, Sirius and James.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I love the idea of him becoming friends with Remus, probably through prefect meetings. I feel they have a lot in common and they’d get on really well. Also, Kreacher! His only friend before he got to Hogwarts.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I believe I mentioned this in the ship one above but, when people make him friends with Snape. Ugh. I hate it so much. I’m so sorry, I’m not a Snape person.

One thing I wish would have happened to this character in canon: That he hadn’t died so young, poor baby. That he’d had a happier life. That Sirius knew he died a hero. Ugh.

My OTP: Bartylus, obviously 💚

My crossover ship: I don’t think I have one. Oh okay maybe Reg/Tommen Baratheon. They’re both smol.

A headcanon fact: Reg loves cats. And writing in his diery diary. Check out my other blog @regulusblacksdiery for hundreds of posts of pure headcanon facts on young Reg 😂

..

003 - Regulus Black, Barty Crouch Jr, Remus Lupin, James Potter & Sirius Black

I’ll rank them from 1-5 (1 being my favourite and 5 being least favourite) — you’ve actually picked my top 5 characters 😂😂

1. Barty Crouch Jr

2. Regulus Black

3. Sirius Black

4. James Potter

5. Remus Lupin (aww sorry someone had to be last)

[regulusblxck]

Bartylus

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when I started shipping it if I did: honestly??? hmmm i guess 7/8 years ago?? maybe more? idk 

my thoughts: i’ve been alone in bartylus heaven for SO many years and it makes me so damn happy that people are starting to ship them now because i’m a 100% sure regulus and barty had a relationship, i mean, their background stories are so compatible it’s almost ridiculous. personally, i don’t see their dynamic as being best friends to lovers because they both had very strict families and knew exactly who they could or couldn’t hang out with - and also barty’s canonically one year younger than regulus - but once they met, the connection they shared was really really powerful, so yeah they kind of became best friends and fell in love at the same time.

what makes me happy about them: they found comfort in each other and really trusted each other the most. barty wouldn’t talk about his father to anyone but regulus. regulus wouldn’t talk about sirius to anyone but barty. their family environments were very toxic and took a toll on them, but they were each other’s safe heaven. their similarities brought them together but it was their particularities that made them fall in love. barty was the brightest student EVER and regulus always tried his best to show him love and recognition. regulus never got tired of saying how proud barty made him feel.

what makes me sad about them: they couldn’t live their love story to the fullest because of their parents’ bigotry and, well, regulus died very young. they didn’t have much time.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: i fucking HATE when people write barty being the one that led regulus down the death eater path. if anything, it was the other way around. in my head, however, barty only joined voldemort after regulus’ death, so regulus never even saw it coming. 

things i look for in fanfic: i can read anything about them, really. other people’s points of view on this pairing don’t affect mine. i just really don’t like what i said above. 

who i’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: i can’t see them ending up with anyone else, tho i think barty may have been fuckbuds with rabastan lestrange after regulus died, but he never fell in love again. actually, barty’s love for regulus went on even after his death. it was the only thing stronger than his devotion to voldemort. regulus, on the other hand... well, without barty, i go with aroace regulus.

my happily ever after for them: both of them alive. together. married. fathers of three beautiful children: leo & adhara, the twins, and lyra, the youngest. black-crouch family supremacy. ♥

who is the big spoon/little spoon: hmmm it depends a lot really. usually barty’s the little spoon because regulus’ arms are his favourite place ever but regulus is such a sadboy and needs comfort every now and then, so... it kinda varies.  

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: they just like to stay indoors doing simple stuff. watching horror movies is definitely a thing. lying on the couch all wrapped around each other while listening to music is also great. they like to do everything together, as long as there is loads of physical contact. they’re soooo touchy, yes they are. they touch all the goddamned time. 

[mcximvs]

(  wilson bethel,  31,  he/him  )  class  is  in  session  for  MAXIMUS  'MAX'  FACER.  their  resume  says  they’re  a  CAMBION  and  they’ve  been  teaching  NECROMANCY  at  the  academy  for  TWO  YEARS.  the  psychological  report  says  they  are  CAPRICIOUS  and  TACTLESS,  but  they’re  also  INNOVATIVE  and  INTREPID.

dossier:

full name: maximus finn facer. nicknames: max (prefers his full name). date of birth: august 8th, 1988. occupation: necromancy teacher. species: cambion. living arrangements: small apartment in town. religion: atheist. sexuality: demiromantic bisexual. financial status: moderate.

backstory:

born to a human mother and demon father. his mother died during childbirth, so, his father had to raise him all by himself. he was pretty nurturing, but in unconventional ways — despite maximus showing mostly human tendencies in his childhood, his father continued to urge him to coax out his demon side a lot more and work on his abilities. this resulted in a lot of accidents in their neighborhood, but nothing was really that serious until one day ...

maximus married his high school sweetheart two or three years out of school. despite being a casanova in his studying years ( it was so easy to be charming when you’re the child of a demon ), no one had managed to capture his heart the way she had. it was true love and everyone could see that. after marriage, he managed to suppress his demon side and it was just him, his wife, and their future baby — a human family. he also started studying to become a teacher. 

six years later, after reconciling with his father, maximus began to slowly expose his demon side to the world and himself once again, making sure to have it under control and only use it to his advantage. unfortunately, he hadn’t realized how much his hunger for it kept growing until one fated night, he accidentally lost all control and both his wife and his kid died by his hands. this started a complete downwards spiral to depression, alcoholism, ptsd, and other things that he still deals with now.

for a couple years he was homeless because he’d stopped going to work, therefore, he was unable to pay rent. he didn’t live on the streets or under bridges; he'd become such a manipulative person that it was so easy for him to convince anyone to do anything for him with just a blink of an eye or a whisper. he was no longer someone he could recognize and for a while, it was fun to run from his problems, to ignore everything he’d done. however, during all that time, he was keen on everything that had to with necromancy — he just needed to see his wife and kid once again. not only his efforts were futile, but he finally realized that it was time to move on. 

when the realization came crashing down on him, he took it as a desperation to clean himself up. his record was clean (he had covered up his tracks by making it seem like a household fire) and he got a job at arcanas as a necromancy teacher because he had to put that degree to use, right? it’s been two years, but he’s still far from developing himself for the better, mostly because falling back to his old habits is so much easier. the school is currently the only thing that keeps him somewhat sane, but he has a feeling that it won’t last much longer, not if he continues going through all this by himself.

about him:

deals with ptsd and night terrors, including sleep paralysis. has a hand tremor due to his alcoholism (he used to go to AA meetings, but quit). his teaching methods are very unorthodox and sometimes unethical. it’s a wonder he hasn’t gotten fired. he’s pretty unhinged and doesn’t take things seriously — until he’s forced to face his demons. really manipulative, but if he likes you, there’s a higher possibility of him leaving you alone. he’s really similar to barty crouch jr as mad eye moody. his father taught him the basics and just slightly advanced theory about necromancy, spirit magic, and mental magic when he was a kid. really into horror and gore, but he shivers sometimes at small injuries. there’s a long vertical scar along his left side of his ribcages. bribing him with sweets will work most of the time. if he’s in the mood.

questionnaire:

how did your muse become their species? were they born or made? born.

is your muse an arcanas alumni? if yes, what house? no.

was your muse recruited or did they enroll on their own accord? he found out about arcanas when he was studying to become a teacher and later on decided to teach there because he couldn’t bother to do research on other schools.

what would your muse do if they found out that the zanzara orb was stolen from the armory? he’s probably the one who stole it. jk. he wouldn’t do anything. let death take him away. 

wanted connections:

001  someone he has sexual tension with ( they annoy each other, but are also very attracted to each other ). 002  someone who genuinely despises him because he always takes the piss out of them. 003  goody two-shoes students or staff that always report his misbehavior to the authorities. 004  students who look up to him, even though he’s most likely a bad influence on them. 005  flings. enough said. 006  a confidant who knows some of his backstory and tries to get him on the right path, despite their efforts being futile most of the time. 007  someone who is just as terrible as he is if not more and when they’re together, the world is in shambles. basically just a chaotic friend. 

[lu--wtfisup]

001... Harry Potter...

UGH!! njfkjls

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character: Harry u.u

Least Favorite character: en el sentido de "lo detesto lo odio por lo que hace y lo que es" SNAPE, pero en el sentido de "que personaje de mierda que escribiste, Joanne" Dumbledore

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): draco/harry, ron/hermione, harry/luna, sirius/lupin, hermione/viktor

Character I find most attractive: viktor 🥵

Character I would marry: harry

Character I would be best friends with: seamus AHRE igual sí me gustaría escabiar con él

a random thought: justo hoy hablé con una amiga sobre como JK agarró a los elfos y los hizo ESCLAVOS y lo justificó con que ESA ES SU NATURALEZA que psicópata de mierda

An unpopular opinion: hace poco me explicaron por qué existe la ship fred/hermione... AND I GET IT

My Canon OTP: ron/hermione

My Non-canon OTP: draco/harry

Most Badass Character: mcgonagall

Most Epic Villain: barty crouch jr hdfjskds that little freak, todavía me acuerdo que el plot twist me re sorprendió

Pairing I am not a fan of: ginny/luna nunca me convenció

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): TODOS jdjjdjsjsk pero supongo que el peor de todos es Dumbledore

Favourite Friendship: harry/luna

Character I most identify with: DEAN ah no sé me gusta q es un introvertido secundario y q siempre anda con un extrovertido secundario literally me

Character I wish I could be: ninguno no quiero existir en el mundo de harry potter

[fracturing-madnessarchived]

LAYER 001: THE OUTSIDE.

NAME. Barty Alexander Crouch EYE COLOUR. Blue HAIR STYLE / COLOUR. short brown. HEIGHT. 5'8’’ CLOTHING STYLE.  Robes BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE. hair

LAYER 002: THE INSIDE.

YOUR FEARS. failing. YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE. coming up with spells YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE. fake caring. YOUR AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE. To be a teacher. To follow in the steps of my father.

LAYER 003: THOUGHTS.

YOUR FIRST THOUGHTS WAKING UP. “Will father notice me?” WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MOST. “Is this what I want?” WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE BED. “Will I wake up tomorrow happy?” YOU THINK YOUR BEST QUALITY IS. “My intelect.”

LAYER 004: WHAT’S BETTER ?

SINGLE OR GROUP DATES. Single TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED. Loved BEAUTY OR BRAINS. Brains DOGS OR CATS. Cats.

LAYER 005: DO YOU …

LIE. Frequently. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. No. BELIEVE IN LOVE. I have reservations. WANT SOMEONE. To be happy.

LAYER 006: HAVE YOU EVER …

BEEN ON STAGE. No DONE DRUGS. No CHANGED WHO YOU WERE TO FIT IN. Yes

LAYER 007: FAVOURITES.

FAVOURITE COLOUR. Royal blue FAVOURITE ANIMAL. Owl

FAVOURITE MOVIE. Not applicable FAVOURITE GAME. Guess the character

LAYER 008: AGE.

DAY YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY WILL BE. November 2nd. HOW OLD WILL YOU BE. 15 AGE YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY. I haven’t yet. DOES AGE MATTER. In romance? Somewhat.

LAYER 010: FINISH THE SENTENCE.

I LOVE. selectively. I FEEL. doubtful. I HIDE. who I am. I MISS. My mother. I WISH. I had a choice.

[regulusblock]

Headcanon: Regulus' favorite colors have always been green, white and blue.

— because this

[ourpyrrhicvictory]

white flag | barcissa au drabble.

@lafleurxnoir​

Time had a way of smoothing things over, allowing one to build up substantial mental strength and confidence that constructed the ability to deal and cope with certain circumstances. It had done so for Barty. Worry and doubt gradually morphed into childish excitement and unyielding determination. He was going to be a father, a father to Narcissa Black - Crouch’s child, and if there was anything in his life that he had done right, it was fighting for Narcissa. 

He had never changed for her. Many would like to believe so, but that wasn’t the truth. He had merely evolved, grown into the man he had always been meant to be. She had aided him in cleaning the grime that had collected on his mind due to constant patronization and criticism. She had given him a second chance, a place to mature and find himself again. It was in those moments where he swapped pool nights with the guys at work for reading baby books that he realized she had been right. He could do this. He could be enough. All he needed to do was want to be. And he did. Oh, God, he did, but as per his luck, wanting to be was not enough, and reality struck hard and fast.. The sporadic jostling of blankets and sheets wasn’t particularly rare, Barty understanding that finding a comfortable position to sleep in could not be easy with a tiny human in your stomach. His arm would usually go from draped over her waist to hanging off the bed in a matter of hours, their legs tangled and her body either on top of his or several feet away. Intertwined always. It was a wonder he didn’t feel the warmth that had begun to stain the sheets, soil his happiness, taint what was left of his faith in a future that didn’t consist of blame and regret. He had been so sure. He should know better than to believe that he deserved anything akin to happiness. He didn’t. So when Narcissa’ groans turned into a full blown cries, jolting him from slumber, he crumbled underneath the pressure. The walls caved in, and he was helpless. Always so helpless. Bolting upright in bed, stone black eyes snapped open, searching the room for the culprit. Slowly, his senses caught up, wading through his sleep-induced haze so as to register the discomfort that seemed to have the air. There was something…moist…warm. Too warm. Looking to Narcissa , the color drained from his face. “Hey, hey, what - what’s - what’s wrong? Narcissa?” Fumbling for the lamp, he turned it on, ripping the blankets from his wife. The sight that he was met with shook him to his core, his eyes widening and his jaw going slack. Blood. So much blood. He had heard horror stories about the blood, those instances where everything fell apart, those cases where it became the start of an end. “I - I- Cissa, what-” His body was trembling before he stumbled out of bed, reaching for his phone to dial 9-1-1. However, by the time he was able to remember the damn number, his brain had short circuited, the dispatcher booming in his ear unable to drown out the cries of his wife. And he froze up. Everything just - stopped. "Oh, shit, look at that one!" Barty’s cry of elation was met with a firm reprimand that caused him to cringe and hiss. "Shit , sorry, but look! That crib looks like my car , don’t it! I mean, check it out! It’s got the wheels and everything! The perfect shade of blue. Even if we get surprised at the last moment and he is actually a she, I could always just paint it a different color. Actually, I mean, this blue is very unisex contrary to popular belief. See, babies adapt well to cooler colors of tranquility like soft blue. Pink is actually not the best choice—ever. Neither is yellow because it could really irritate them when they first start seeing colors. It’s too bright, like looking into the sun. We don’t want that. Green is good depending on the shade, not lime green. That’s harsh, but blue is always a safe haven, so-" By now, Barty was unaware that most of the women in the immediate vicinity were staring at him in awe. Yes , he had read the baby books. He had to if he wanted to be a good father ! He had read as many of them as possible. "What?" But no baby book could prepare him for this.