#...thats why i have no close friends right now. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

queerlyglittering · 1 year ago

Text

Some of the losses that hurt the most are the ones you pushed away by being just a little too earnest at the wrong time

#personal #ignore me #my writing #i am once again coming to you at Sad Bitch O'Clock in the AM #begging you to slap me in the face and tell me not to message my ex #because it is still too soon to tell him that i miss being his friend.#he does not miss me at all #and if i want any remote chance of being friends with him ever again in the future #my best bet is to NOT show anything at all right now #while he's still skittish and debating whether to cut me out entirely #i am Stupid. it is known.#i have a history of ruining friendships by wanting too much too soon #...thats why i have no close friends right now.#well. one of the reasons anyway #the other is because i finally grew a backbone and set boundaries lmao #anyway im just fucking lonely. it's fine it's fine it's fine #this too shall pass #crying myself to sleep at 2:30 in the morning is very much not the time to send him that

1 note · View note

hellonerf · 5 months ago

Text

i love crazy contrasting 1p2p in every way(not every way). so i always subconsciously have 2P rusame be friends. unlikely friends etc. in whatever weird school au theyre friends. meri was probably bullied until he started hissing at other kids or something while rus2 was just like huhh okay yeah okay what fine. rus2 found him in a broom closet and it was as awkward as it sounds. in the weird stuckin1Pcoldwar au i have theyre friends also in the torturous existence. 1P rusame is too weird life is too short lets tomodachi✌️

#in comparison 1p rusame would be school insane psychological games social competition nerds MID OFF #2ptalia #i like the jp fanart where 2p ame is pitiful and gloomy. its cute #a little wannabe edgy but spare him he was left in the rain in a cardboard box when he was 2 years old.#i keep imagining a gay school au sorry. im gonna say shit now #rus2 is blunt and kind of. bad at reading signals. accidentally drags him and meri into karaoke with ame(enigmatic popular kid)#meri is like fuck my life... but he has a killer bitch face so people are like uwaa scary... hes brooding...#rus2 is like ah sorry i forgot you never had a normal teen friendship and clung onto (nada) all the time #meri is always coping like these people... dont get it... hes half right #they go to karaoke and ame sings really off key #actually i have a common daydream where ame's elusiveness is really funny to meri #he's like hahahaha what the hell that kids crazy ahahaha. like laughing at a cartoon #and then somehow he keeps being approached by ame (slow trying to step away) hes like noo... i dont actually wanna get close to u at all...#meri and rus2 probably play observers theyre quiet kids who go hmm im nooticing!#observing 1p rusames weirdship that everybody can see but they don't think anyone notices their crazyship #and rus2 is like oh two people talking and interacting alot. theyre friends. its just like a rivalry thing yeah?#while meri is like fuckkk the fucking golden boy is talking to us when ame talks to them rus2 is like #why dont you invite (rusia) to the karaoke arent you two friends #(ame mania face turns around)#okay thats all i got bye

25 notes · View notes

itsalwaysdark · 5 months ago

Text

i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And #make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not #saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was #going to say #like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so #bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the #winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000 #other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but #i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its #been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody #responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple #muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it #but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like #im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good #solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start #all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the #punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4 #im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but #even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think #avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is #like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they #hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be #the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO #difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15 #minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case #it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel #stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and #tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i #tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction #like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint

8 notes · View notes

snekdood · 4 months ago

Text

i think im allowed to assume someones consuming their kinks in a harmful-to-others way if I have first hand experience with them sexually abusing me, personally.

#do i think they always do it in a harmful way? no. because i dont see the world in black and white. statistically thats impossible #but i think its safe for me to assume the worst in this situation with this specific person. personally #instead of trying to make me second guess if i should be so harsh on my abuser and keep my arms closed entirely maybe #we should be confronting them on being a better person for once #yaknow instead of insisting that i need to heal or change or whatever and the fault all lies in me and never in them #food for thought #i promise me being disturbed by and wanting to avoid certain kinks isnt worse than them being sexually abusive. like i really promise.#if you think i do more harm being uncomfortable than they do by sexually abusing ppl then idk what to tell ya #and a lot of the kinks that make me uncomfortable and i try to avoid are the ones they have #forgive me if trauma makes me weary. i mean fuck dude it takes years for me to even feel like i can trust someone enough to be my friend #now you're telling me i hafta jump all the way to trusting ppl wont misuse their kinks towards me? im sorry what world do you live in #i already dont trust a lot of cis men for that reason it doesnt suddenly change just bc you're queer. i gotta know you're not #a sexually abusive creep to even BEGIN to touch the subject of kinks w you #which explains why me and my abusive ex never got that far in that conversation 😒#cis men have a lot of kinks that just hearing them makes me suspicious because personally i have lived with a cis man who sexually #abused me and was very secretive about his kinks and is the type of person to act one way but then is secretly a pos #so yeah im a little fuckin weary dude. im not assuming people with certain kinks are bad by default but id be lying if i said certain #kinks dont make me a little on edge to hear about someone having. and i'd probably take an even longer time sussing that person out #sorry but i just dont need to be sexually abused again. and for me rn avoiding that is being weary of certain things.#a lot of it is context too... a group of people pretending to be super familiar with me and wanting to dive into kink stuff right away bc #we're all queer so it should be Fine and want me to come to their place that i need to take a car to at night.... yeah gonna pass #but thats why im saying a good long ol' sussing is needed for me to feel ok. if you have an issue with me needing to feel like i #can trust someone to be around them thats just.... really weird. obv i cant always control that but i mean specifically situations i can #obligatory: none of this has to do w kink in public or anything this is all about my own personal life

2 notes · View notes

chiistarri · 8 months ago

Text

what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group

#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever #im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point #and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn #selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too #we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right #get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure #what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye #AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care #she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us #what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not #taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg #just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg #why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend #and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic #and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc #but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever #if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die #sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP #id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh #post #nickpost #will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1 #i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it #sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh #nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone #living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh #adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway #its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her #bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships

4 notes · View notes

bluravenite · 2 years ago

Text

slight rant/vent

Though I'm also posting on twt at @bluravenite in case you want to interact with me outside of hate anons

Yk there's probably hate anons going around all the time but it's been really apparent this past week that some people genuinely don't know to shut the fuck up... I have stopped posting with the same frequency as i was bc i am working on commissions and drawing takes time but i might just keep a more sort of closed parasocial relationship/ treat Tumblr more as a portfolio than as social media if that keeps happening... Sorry that i rant in here a lot but it's genuinely exhausting sometimes when most of your mutuals on this app are getting rude anons...

#it's genuinely worrying bc it really makes you question what kinda people have it against u/ur friends #like why cant you just leave some people alone #and it makes me feel guilty too for wanting to also protect/defend my friends?? you know nothing about these people #but thats never an excuse to be such an asshole to people #once talked with someone who had me blocked here and they told me they didn't remember why but “clearly my values didn't align with theirs”#that still hurts because my values have always been to make this page safe for everyone #posting my silly little doodles and hoping it means something to people #because right now?? THIS is the closest I'll ever get to my dreams #so it really sucks that the closest thing to being a concept artist and freelance illustrator is seeing my friends getting hate for nothing #i might actually close comissions for the public after this... 1 because i need higher prices for my work #and 2 because i am unfortunately scared that im never gonna be good enough #because people who draw cant catch a fucking break sometimes #sorry for the rant again #raven vents

14 notes · View notes

ashorterurl · 10 months ago

Text

.

#holy shit i hate the fb groups so much #like do NOT tell people dont speculate as if its something bad #we're left with nothing but speculation #you wake up one day and they tell you good morning btw this person is gone anyway bye #and youre just supposed to say ah ok i see thay sucks #??#obviously the friends and family sre a priority and its way too early to tell the fans anything #but i hava the right to wonder why and how and like. why #it's a natural response to seek closure #and you have a bunch of people who are like oooohhh you can't speculate thats baaaad if friends and family want to share at some point they #will #like shut up dude #i dont claim we have a right to know about what happened because we really dont and this is truly up to the people close to him #and in the end if they want they can also lie #but we do have the right to wonder why something like this happened so suddenly wnd out of nowhere #ranting because i hate it when people tell you it's unethical to ask questions about something even if its just thinking out loud #as an emotional response #like how the fuck do you guys think I'll process this #with this dry and vague announcement #if it works for you great but for me it doesnt really #i know because its been 3h now and im still waiting for them to maybe say something more about it #logically its not going to happen so soon but still

4 notes · View notes

we-dont-talk-about-potato-nonono · 2 years ago

Note

I hope your day/night gets better 💜 sending positivity your way💜💜

(You don’t have to answer)

jfkfjfje YOU’RE AN ANGEL OK PLEASE NEVER FORGET THAT 😭✨💫👍💖🫂🩵

thank you so much for this message ❤️ i’ll get there in the end (i hope) this ask means a lot <3 sending positivity on your way too!!

#tbh lately im just being. cranky and wasting time I know it 😔#my life feels like a telltale game rn #too many decisions #and I just have to wait and see if they end up being the right one #a little miserable for a bit since my cat went missing and a best friend of mine is at hospital…. but i’ll be okay….#thats why i had to close my req for now #i also feel so bad about myself because im not a very talkative person on tumblr #idk how to interact because of my anxiety😭 im the worse #but seriously i read all the tags and notifs from u guys and it made me very happy!!#i promise im not ignore it im just so shy to talk haha #hm ok enough about me #anyway I hope you’re better than okay 🤍 have a lovely day/night #sending you loads of love and reassurance!#sorry for too many tags….#wholesome #lovely ask #ask

10 notes · View notes

sol1loqu1st · 2 years ago

Text

:/

#like if it is ptsd that means basically it's untreatable right? like the only way to really deal with it is i have to just accept that i'm #going to be miserable and awful to be around forever?#idk like thats why i was kind of hoping it /was/ something more uncommon like osdd because like. i know that can be hard to treat but i've #seen people make it work for them and make it a good thing even if it's hard. there are no upsides or benefits to having Just Fucking Ptsd #there's no sympathy for it if you didnt get it from combat (and even then lol)#and there's no real way to treat it except just learn to fucking avoid triggers and my triggers are FUCKING EVERYTHING #idk i just want a FUCKING SOLUTION and there is none #it's not fucking fair. it's not fucking fair #that my life is permanently ruined and horrible because my fucking mom decided that she needed to have a little mini-me #to project her fucking insecurities on instead of getting therapy #and now i'm never going to be happy! i don't get to have a good fucking life! i h #i have to spend the rest of my life fucking /coping/ with my own existence and having everyone fucking moralize me not wanting to do that #i'm a horrible person for even thinking about this stuff because me saying i cant recover probably makes other people in similar situations #think they also can't recover and i know that makes me bad and awful but like. it's different.#other people have friends who love them and care about them. i will never have that because i'm awful and everyone who gets close to me #realizes how awful i am and runs #other people have a chance at happiness even if it's hard. i don't. i'm never going to have people who love me and care about me. i'm never #going to be anyone's family and i can't fucking stand that

16 notes · View notes

like-sands-of-time · 2 years ago

Text

Any house md fans that also read Cassandra Clares clockwork series? Because huddson (House, Cuddy, Wilson) reminded me of that dynamic quite a bit. House loves two people in his life, one he can love and spend a "lifetime" with, as Wilson dies from cancer. And the other, whom he can love and finish his life with after Wilson's gone.

Neither one is loved less and they both led their own lives, of course, but for better and mostly worse, they revolve around each other.

#i could go into more detail but id need to reread the series #those books were the first time i saw an ot3 of any kind actually work out and it wasnt even polyamorous really #but the two guys were best friends closer than close due to their bond as warriors #and tessa comes along and they all just fall in love with each other #jem has his illness thats going to take him away from them #and will has his rejection fears and difficulty talking about feelings #and tessa cant die... can't remember why or how but she just doesnt die #and somehow it all worked out for them to all be happy together #amazing #in my head cuddy finds house after wilsons death because she just knows wilson didnt go travelling alone #right after house apparently died #and she finds him heart shattered but this time its shattered wide open and able to be mended #and shes in her fourties and she has a daughter shes been raising by herself while working at another hospital #but despite how all reason says its not worth it shes always had impossible expectations #she and rachel choose to spend their lives with him because he's different now #since he ran out of vicodin during wilsons increasing pain hes forced himself through withdrawal #and he doesnt have the stress of patient care anymore to make his leg ache worse than it always does #hes not happier necessarily but more present in life maybe he thinks ten steps ahead but he doesnt worry about it #house md #lisa cuddy #gregory house #james wilson #hilson #huddy

8 notes · View notes

edwin-paynes-bowtie · 2 years ago

Text

im sorry but i share a very special bond with matthew fairchild that just cannot be replicated with any other character

#like yeah. ben from nhie has helped me through a lot.#i grew up with lum and mendou.#tessa is the reason i didnt kill myswlf #but matthew? thats me. thats me thats me thats me.#and like my journey is mirroring his so closely #and has been since his introduction to tsc in 2015 #this is the character i have grown alongside in exactly the way that he's growing #it is insane.#also hes like my best and steadiest friend #'hes fictional' and thats part of the reason why #he will always be with me and always be part of me #also ive loved him in every possible way. i had a crush on him before. i grew up. now hes my best friend and my son #but he always has been everything to me even if that changed shape over time #i just cannot describe the magnitude of my love for this character #he has done everything wrong in exactly rhe same way as i have #his emotional cracks are in the same places as mine are #we are both entering our find-ourselves-and-travel eras right now #we're like. the same kind of mentally ill #also we share the impenetrable disaster bi bond #idfk man #i cannot describe this

6 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago

Note

Same same same I was literally thinking of what RGG characters' zOMG! loadouts might look like earlier today help😭But I too was playing zOMG! on a horrid PC with a horrid connection... had to zoom out so far to get some slightly better performance from Flash that chat was nearly unusable...

I'm not totally sure I ever got to play the endgame areas like SS and DMS (definitely didn't get to finish DMS, it was just me and the besties + it's a reeeally long run), but those were some wonderful memories! My blorbo apparently lives in Deadman's Pass and it was a lot of fun crawling every inch of the map and coming up with headcanons and stuff. Sawmill was unusually un-performant though for sure, for how small the area is.

My friend group and I dropped it on account of the NFT investments and general downward trend, but sometimes... sometimes it calls to me...

my whole in-and-out bit with gaia is that sometimes i'd just feel too awkward to try and actually talk to anyone in the towns, so i'd just leave the site alone for a while until i felt brave enough to open it back up or i just really wanted to play zOMG (legit it had no business being as fun as it was)

i checked the creation date of my account and my sis actually made it when i was 8 ☠️☠️ but on that note i remember she wanted me to make an account so we could play zOMG together specifically but honestly i can only remember us playing a handful of times before we just played on our own

#snap chats #MEANT TO REPLY SOONER BUT I WAS FUCKIN AROUND WITH MY AVI LMAO #i had so much stuff i didnt even realize i had... also the capsule rewards are a lot Better ???#i remember you used to get like. bland clothes or like a spool of thread but now you get actual neat shit #but oh my god no i remember in deadmans pass (the base game was DMP the new one was DMS OOPSIE)#i would just hang out in that little cemetary bit and be emo as shit 😭😭☠️☠️#AND I REMEMBER I WAS SUPER OBSESSED WITH THE 'I Am' ITEMS #SO I WAS JUST SITTING THERE AS THIS LITTLE CAT WITH THE SCARF LIKE BRO WHY WERE YOU SO MOODY YOU WERE 8 #god bring zOMG back let me be moody there now that i have actual things to be moody about #the shallow sea was such a good map but it was also long as fuck- it was undoubtedly the longest one #i dont think i ever even actually beat it ? like THATS how long and hard it was #i mightve come close with a group once but man that was so long ago idk #ok but help rgg charas + gaia like #like PLEASE i joke bout daigo making haruka a gaia account solely because of MY childhood 😭😭☠️☠️☠️#UGH...nostalgia you asshole... im lying gaia was fun back then and if flash was still around it'd still be fun to me now #like thats the real kick in the dick if 90% of the playerbase was gone but the worlds were still there #then i could at least hit up friends and we could just muck about there but naw... its ALL gone.....#i remember walking around the towns at least one more time back innnn 2020?? right before flash shut down??#it was all barren as hell but it was a fun lil trip while it lasted #GOD. yeah i love gaia... biggest surprise to find you also played it but i wont complain ty for chattin bout it with me..#i always feel insane when i remember gaia cause it feels like no one ever knows what im talking about LMAO

3 notes · View notes

4giorno · 2 years ago

Text

????? the way ppl were speaking made it seem like al haitham like. destroyed all kavehs belongings and spat in his face and maybe even killed him idk. just something way different and out of character than what he was already doing

#i guess this wasnt such a shock if you already 1. were under no illusion that haitham is a good respectable person #and more importantly 2. thought and knew kaveh actually is a complex character and was suffering the whole time #even before it was being slapped across our faces and 3. didnt live under the impression that their relationship is sunshine and roses #what we know is they were close friends. for some reason that changed so what happened? why is haitham so terrible now?#and believe it or not despite how he acts haitham has a rich inner life. bc hes a person and everyone does #in my opinion we saw some indications of that in this part #i just dont understand how when a single relationship is not all perfect and beautiful then its not worth existing in a story or examining #but yknow im not surprised #but at least finally ppl are starting to afford kaveh some dignity in their eyes! even slightly so yay for that #for what its worth i do think he should move out! they cant even begin to deal with what happened if they feel trapped together physically #so thats why i do hope he wins the competition #id wish for him to win anyway bc i love him jfjgjdjfkgkf im kinda happy i have no idea whos gonna win #maybe cyno wins but kaveh is gonna be chosen by the guy. that would be the best case actually right #also they said haitham stepped down as the acting grand sage already. who is it now currently????

3 notes · View notes

asclexeposting · 2 months ago

Text

sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what

#i feel like jealous of them because they get to live their life at least feeling right about one thing #they can be perfectly content with their bits and their birth self. and i am so jealous that i probably wont feel that way ever #im like weirdly so envious of people who have such a usually uncomplicated and easy view of gender #this is a totally different thing but im so jealous of people who have almost over involved and cool parents #i’ll see people who like. their parents have an instagram account..and they’ll like…tag each other #and put stupid mother-daughter stuff on their story or idk. be so chill and aware of their kid’s lives #my mom is definitely involved in my life and she does love me but she just like. idk.#there’s probably a lot that goes on those behind closed doors but they’re so like supportive of their Out kids and they like post about it #so something must be going right.#i wish i could just be out to my mom and proudly say hey im your lesbian son now but i can’t because ill be killing her beloved daughter #all i am to her is her Daughter who’s like a best friend to her. and i would feel really bad if i ever kill that idea #in my mind knowing im trans i already know that that girl is dead but its like i haven’t broken the news to the family #they’re so blissfully unaware their daughter is dead and that their son killed her #i dont want to live with that guilt so i’ll have to dispose of the evidence of her body and run far away as a new man #yea theyd accept me if i came out as a lesbian. its like having a daughter but not having to worry about grandchildren #but not if i was physically something else. they wouldn’t kick me out they wouldn’t be outwardly mad.#but they’d always be disappointed that shes gone. they’d always grieve her. they’d always insist she was still here #so thats why like. i can’t. im gonna have to turn eighteen move far away transition to the man i am and never return #let them believe their beloved daughter is missing rather than dead #and these kids. this one specific person actually. can just. be out and be happy and have their parents accept and love them unconditionall #or some never have to come out because they were born right and their parents will love them still and they don’t have to be as #as in danger about their rights right now because of the government #or feeling so Wrong their entire lives or even when they figure out what’s wrong that they cant fix it yet #or having to choose between being repressed and miserable about their real self forever or running away or having to live with eternal guil #while being themself and trying to be happy #they get to feel right about their identity and can comfortably fit in with groups #some cis people anyways #for others theres a lot of other external factors not about gender that makes some people so. kinda like this #like im completely sure there’s plenty people of color who feel this frustration with white people or disabled people about abled people #the frustration that people who were like born or raised or live certain way that they get to have all of these things

0 notes

robocops-a-christ-allegory · 3 months ago

Text

Once again at "I desperately need to make more friends this is ridiclous" and "I really just want to be alone for the rest of my life because its easier that way". AUUUGHGHG

#Ok this one was called 'desperate man crying under rain' and I think thats kind of poignant.#Anyway yeah fuck. i dont know.#This is also the kind of thing thats a pain in the ass to be honest with anyone about because it just makes me sound like a asshole.#Like sorry I keep being weird and distant the idea of being close to anyone makes me want to kill myself right now #Like NOT GOOD.#Trying to deal with it trying not to be like cold and weird towards the few people I have left in my life but ugh.#Also not to be a asshole but lately I have been getting very annoyed about how every trauma term is watered down so #even when I do try to be fully honest about what this is (CPTSD.) everybodys still like #Well Just Make New Friends!#You know. Like man whats my problem why cant I just chill out.#Ive been having nightmares every night for the past two weeks #Ok ANYWAY

1 note · View note

halfire · 3 months ago

Text

i've been like. on my own more or less for so long i do not know how to. react. to things. and shit. i genuinely feel. like i have brain damage sometimes, how do people have. responses to things. every time. you can think in full sentences?? youve got thoughts that you can express???? i open my mouth and the only thing that comes out is a cacophony of "um! uh!"

#stands pensively in the living room!!!!!!!#i do understand now why it feels like so many of my friends and peers have life more figured out than me like #even a lot of my autistic friends have been in relationships since theyw ere teens #and this is my first like. actual relationship #like yeah its a lot easier to ignore that there's a future when its just you !!!!???#reading back through my journal entries from september and its just!!! yeah!!!! scared???? right!!!!#anyways #anyways. ok.#idk. i feel like. this is just one of those things where its #i don't need everyone to like me. i actively do not really want that. thats bizarre to me. i am not. really. a people pleaser.#so when people close to me are like. ''wwhat if. they won't like me..#whag if they get mad at me :(('' mg dum #my dumb ass is just like !! who cares!!! if they give a shit about dumb shit they're not important!!!

0 notes