#...thats why i have no close friends right now.

[wisterialwhymsy]

as much or as little

part 1 of a friends to lovers bang chan fic thats inspired by rosy from @rosylix!! this is largely self-indulgent, but i hope that someone out there might relate or feel comforted by this <3

bang chan x gn! reader wc: 1162 warnings: lots of mentions of past s/a related trauma, implied past s/a, hurt/comfort, in depth descriptions of trauma-related anxiety, touch adverse reader, talks of boundaries, bangchan refered to as Chris, he's such a sweetheart

"So what, you've just, never done anything since then?"  Chris asks, your best friend.

“I mean, I’ve tried. It’s just…” You groan, hesitating. 

“Hey.” He says, as he places a hand on your arm, prompting you to look up at him. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but if you want to. I am here to listen.”

Somehow, the eye contact makes you slightly more nervous and you can feel your heart beating rapidly in your throat at the feeling of his skin touching yours.

“I- it’s okay.” You clear your throat, looking down at your hands as they fiddle with the sleeve of your shirt. 

“There was one other person. That I told and gave consent to. But…” You pause, taking a deep breath.  “They sort of abused that power.” You look up, suddenly insecure as you notice Chris’s unreadable expression. “If that makes sense.” You ramble, trying to avoid eye contact as the air shifts with a new-found tension.

Chris inhales sharply. “It makes sense.” He leans forward, taking your hands in his.

“I am so sorry you went through that. And that someone took advantage of your pain like that.” You look into his eyes, and you swear you can see tears dusting his waterline.

“You don’t deserve that.” His voice breaks slightly.

You avert your eyes. “It’s fine-” “No it’s not.” Chris cuts you off and you internally flinch at the anger radiating through his tone.

“Sorry. Sorry.” He pauses as he notices your anxiety. “I am just so angry right now.”

“Seriously. It was ages ago. I’m over it now.” You lie, trying to stand, or move away, anything to get out of this conversation.

“No. You’re not.” You freeze, surprised at his sudden honesty. 

You look up at him, and you notice tears falling down his face. 

“Why are you crying?” You mumble, instinctively reaching out to wipe away his tears.

He rests his hand on yours, looking into your eyes with a sorrowful expression.

“I can tell.” He pauses, his voice thick with emotion. “That you’re not over it.”

Tears begin to pool in your eyes as you process the forlorn look on his face.

“I see it, in the way you flinch slightly whenever I touch you. The way you spiral over trying to initiate any kind of touch. The way you look away during kissing scenes in shows. I see it. I see you.” Tears begin to stream down your face and you feel yourself struggling to breathe.

He pulls you close, tucking you securely against his chest. He wraps his arms around you, his hand tracing reassuring circles on your back.

The second you rest your head on his shoulder, you start sobbing uncontrollably. The years of repressed emotions and unprocessed trauma pouring out of you and into the awaiting arms of your dutiful best friend.

You don’t know how much time has passed as your sobs turn into hiccups, Chris whispering soft nothings in your ear as he rubbed gentle circles on your back.

“Thank you. I’m sorry.” You murmur, leaning back to wipe at the dampness on your face.

“It’s okay. Don’t apologise. Do you want to talk about it?” There's a softness to his question, a genuine desire to be there for you and help you, rather than a sense of obligation.

You pause, pondering. “Yes actually.”

He hums in response and you settle back onto the couch, still leaning into him slightly.

You look down at your lap, hands fiddling with the buttons on your sleeve as you take a deep breath. 

Chris silently rests his hands on yours, something he’s always done for you whenever he notices you fiddling.

“Remember, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” He affirms as you fidget with his hand resting in your lap.

“I want to tell you. Tell… Someone. But it just feels weird. It’s uh… weird stuff.” You mumble as he hums again. “I promise I won’t judge you.” He murmurs. “No matter how weird it is.” 

You smile in response.

“I’m just… scared. Like I know that I’ve… done stuff. Before. But I don’t remember it well.” You trail off, trying to ignore the rapid beating of your heart.

“I’m so scared that I'd like start something and then start panicking and embarrassing myself.” You pause. “Like, what if I mess up? Or have a panic attack? Like I don’t even know what I'm supposed to do during that stuff, let alone know how I’ll react.” You lean forward, resting your elbows on your thighs as Chris retracts his hand.

“And everyone says that my body will take over. And that I’ll know what to do.” You pause, fresh tears blurring your vision. “But I don’t think I would. I think I’d just panic and shut down.”

“But even with platonic stuff. No matter how hard I try, or how much I crave it. It just feels so tainted.” Tears spiral down your cheeks and you feel your chest somehow growing both lighter and heavier as you open your heart to him. “I feel so broken. I feel like I need someone to fix me. Or at least teach me how to do stuff again. How to hold, how to touch… How to love, both romantically and platonically.”

“How to do all of that without it feeling… corrupt. Without me… feeling corrupt.” The air is heavy with emotion and the two of you fall into an uneasy silence as the weight of your confession settles.

“I’ll teach you.” Chris murmurs, breaking the quiet.

“Teach me which one.” You try to laugh, to ease the tension and awkwardness, but it comes out forced and catches in your throat.

“Whichever you need.” His whisper was quiet, almost silent, but his tone was sincere.

You inhale sharply, turning your head to look at him, barely noticing his tears in your shock. “What?”

“I’ll teach you.” He says, clearing his throat. “For starters, I don’t think you’re broken, or that you need fixing. But I’ll teach you.”

“All of it. As much or as little as you want.” He reiterates as you try to process his suggestion in stunned silence.

“I-” You pause, unsure as to what on earth was happening. “I don’t want you to feel pressured… or compelled to help me.” 

“I don’t. I want to help you, I’d be honoured to even. But we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” He reassures you, gently taking your hand.

“Are you sure?” You ask, searching his eyes for any hesitation and only finding sincerity.

“Yes. I promise.” He affirms.

“And I swear. I will never-” He pauses as his voice shakes, “Never abuse any trust or consent you give me. I will always do my absolute best to make you feel safe and secure.”

“Thank you.” You smile, hugging him.

“Of course.” He says, pulling you closer. “It’s what friends are for.”

This is a work of fiction, based entirely on my personal perception of him, and does not reflect his actual character or actions.

[starcraftt]

YES YES YES YES. I lOOOVE GOLDEN HOUR :star_struck:

platonic !

lowkey think that pony offers to sleep in the lot eeeevvverrryy single night with johnny?? or drags him over to the curtis house so he doesn't have sleep outside again.

when johnny does begrudgingly allow pony to stay with him—or johnny crashes at the curtis household—they,, sleep,, so,, close to each other. either shoulder to shoulder, or like, one of them has their arm lazily sprawled over the other, back to chest.

johnny is and will always forever be a morning owl to me, so he's usually out by nine/ten pm, eleven at latest ( not by choice. his body just relaxes nd he's out man ), wakes up early and somehow almost always manages to catch the sunrise. those days when pony's with him, he'll wake the younger up so they can watch it.

FDSF WAIT WAIT I FORGET THAT PONY CAN DRAW ND PAINT ND SHIT SO HE HAS A MILLION DRAWINGS OF JOHNNY STASHED SOMEWHERE, nd a couple paintings he forgot about!!

one day johnny found the paintings/drawings and cried, seeing the way pony looked and saw him. the way johnny was seen through pony's eyes. legend says that he stole almost all of them.

pony's painted/drawn a picture that he, himself is really proud of. it's nothing special ( so he says ) but it's a memory, of watching the sunrise together. seeing johnny in that light, he was itching to draw it. so he did. he hid it somewhere and is just waiting for the right time to give it to johnny. this painting is not one of the one johnny found.

not even, they're SO touchy with the other, not like, holding hands or anything bc thats not tuff but like, having their arm on the other's shoulder, or pony likes putting his arm around johnny's shoulder. almost always they walk side by side, connected at the hip.

ABSURD AMOUNT OF CUDDLING yes as friends. GENUINELY ITS INSAAANE.

whenever they're in a conversation nd johnny admits something pony disagrees with, this guy will and cannot outwardly disagree with the love of his life johnny, so he jst nods happily and moves along. this is why johnny thinks pony likes most things that he doesn't.

one time johnny fell asleep with his head on pony's shoulder and pony did not breath until johnny woke up. he jst sat there, frozen. getting a weird look from soda when he walked in.

johnny one hundred percent goes to pony's track meets, and cheers pony on. after the meet he always always finds pony right after and says he does great. always. pony also says that johnny's his good luck charm. he does seem to do better when johnny's there.

when johnny does show up at his meet, nd pony notices him, there's a cute moment of johnny's shy smile nd pony's grin matched with a wave. it's adorable every time.

whenever pony drags johnny to the library with him—usually in hopes to study for something coming up—it almost always ends with johnny finding a book that sounds interesting and convincing pony to read it to him.

romantic !

you might've seen this one, that's why i shall put it first, but here's that one i also made a fic about it if you'd like to check it out ! here

I KID YOU NOT THESE TWO DORKS WERE IN LOVE THE MOMENT: pony: he saw johnny's actual smile for once johnny: when he got injured in a rumble and pony fussed over him, patching him up even when darry offered to do so.

they were in love with each other before they knew it though its okay.

sometimes—pre-relationship—when pony couldn't sleep at the lot with johnny, he'd jst stay up. writing a shitty but adorable love letter to johnny that he'll never get of course, mostly worried that he'll wake up and ask what he's writing.

somehow they got even more touchier. they ,, they hold hands now !! my babies,, they grow up so fast johnny's not one to initiate the hug, but whenever pony's arms end up around him, he will not let go for the next ten minutes. he jst loves soaking in the warmth that pony brings to him. literally and figuratively.

the rush of happiness the two get whenever they see each other?? like fr there's just a adrenaline rush that runs through their veins when they see the other. a grin spreading over their faces as they try to not make it seem weird; but they're both utterly smitten.

since dally's lowkey jealous of pony nd johnny's close relationship, when they announced that they're together, i kid you not dally had pony by the throat, giving him the stern dad talk that the boyfriend gets. ( etc: "you hurt him, you die." )

kisses. all the kisses. they love chaste kisses for some reason, just a peck on the mouth before pulling away.

i feel like pony would zone out ALL the time when johnny's talking, jst too in love for his own good until he snaps out of it when johnny kisses him on the cheek. of course there're better ways to wake someone up from their head, but they both enjoy this one.

they're both so in love; even soda gets sick at the looks they give each other. not really he jst says that to tease them

but more on the looks they give each other,, they're both so cute about it omlll. pony often finds himself trailing off with his monologue as he reads to johnny from a book, admiring his features, rapt. he only snaps out of his stupor when johnny looks up at him with a questioning look. nd pony darts his gaze away so fast, continuing to read whilst his mind is distracted.

"pony you're reading the same line over and over"

"oh . . . sorry johnny." *proceeds to read the same line again*

johnny love love loves admiring the spark in pony's eyes whenever he talks about something he feels deeply about. watching the swirl of green and grey earnestly talk about how much he hates steve. johnny doesn't realize this, too distracted. otherwise he'd often speak up for steve, saying that he's not that bad.

on one of their anniversaries, probably a one month one, pony finally gave him that painting he did of the sunrise and johnny—he lowkey panicked when he saw tears in johnny's eyes.

the amount of love letters johnny finds everywhere from his jacket pockets to just being handed to him from pony is crazy. he keeps every one and tears up whenever he reads them, remembering how much and unconditionally pony loves him.

I’m thinking about Johnny and Ponyboy again…

[queerlyglittering]

Some of the losses that hurt the most are the ones you pushed away by being just a little too earnest at the wrong time

[hellonerf]

i love crazy contrasting 1p2p in every way(not every way). so i always subconsciously have 2P rusame be friends. unlikely friends etc. in whatever weird school au theyre friends. meri was probably bullied until he started hissing at other kids or something while rus2 was just like huhh okay yeah okay what fine. rus2 found him in a broom closet and it was as awkward as it sounds. in the weird stuckin1Pcoldwar au i have theyre friends also in the torturous existence. 1P rusame is too weird life is too short lets tomodachi✌️

[itsalwaysdark]

i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

[snekdood]

i think im allowed to assume someones consuming their kinks in a harmful-to-others way if I have first hand experience with them sexually abusing me, personally.

[chiistarri]

what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group

[bluravenite]

slight rant/vent

Though I'm also posting on twt at @bluravenite in case you want to interact with me outside of hate anons

Yk there's probably hate anons going around all the time but it's been really apparent this past week that some people genuinely don't know to shut the fuck up... I have stopped posting with the same frequency as i was bc i am working on commissions and drawing takes time but i might just keep a more sort of closed parasocial relationship/ treat Tumblr more as a portfolio than as social media if that keeps happening... Sorry that i rant in here a lot but it's genuinely exhausting sometimes when most of your mutuals on this app are getting rude anons...

[ashorterurl]

.

[we-dont-talk-about-potato-nonono]

I hope your day/night gets better 💜 sending positivity your way💜💜

(You don’t have to answer)

jfkfjfje YOU’RE AN ANGEL OK PLEASE NEVER FORGET THAT 😭✨💫👍💖🫂🩵

thank you so much for this message ❤️ i’ll get there in the end (i hope) this ask means a lot <3 sending positivity on your way too!!

[sol1loqu1st]

:/

[like-sands-of-time]

Any house md fans that also read Cassandra Clares clockwork series? Because huddson (House, Cuddy, Wilson) reminded me of that dynamic quite a bit. House loves two people in his life, one he can love and spend a "lifetime" with, as Wilson dies from cancer. And the other, whom he can love and finish his life with after Wilson's gone.

Neither one is loved less and they both led their own lives, of course, but for better and mostly worse, they revolve around each other.

[edwinspaynes]

im sorry but i share a very special bond with matthew fairchild that just cannot be replicated with any other character

[todayisafridaynight]

Same same same I was literally thinking of what RGG characters' zOMG! loadouts might look like earlier today help😭But I too was playing zOMG! on a horrid PC with a horrid connection... had to zoom out so far to get some slightly better performance from Flash that chat was nearly unusable...

I'm not totally sure I ever got to play the endgame areas like SS and DMS (definitely didn't get to finish DMS, it was just me and the besties + it's a reeeally long run), but those were some wonderful memories! My blorbo apparently lives in Deadman's Pass and it was a lot of fun crawling every inch of the map and coming up with headcanons and stuff. Sawmill was unusually un-performant though for sure, for how small the area is.

My friend group and I dropped it on account of the NFT investments and general downward trend, but sometimes... sometimes it calls to me...

my whole in-and-out bit with gaia is that sometimes i'd just feel too awkward to try and actually talk to anyone in the towns, so i'd just leave the site alone for a while until i felt brave enough to open it back up or i just really wanted to play zOMG (legit it had no business being as fun as it was)

i checked the creation date of my account and my sis actually made it when i was 8 ☠️☠️ but on that note i remember she wanted me to make an account so we could play zOMG together specifically but honestly i can only remember us playing a handful of times before we just played on our own

[4giorno]

????? the way ppl were speaking made it seem like al haitham like. destroyed all kavehs belongings and spat in his face and maybe even killed him idk. just something way different and out of character than what he was already doing

[asclexeposting]

sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what