#...be given the room to enjoy my creative freedom. as well as all the stress and be unhappiness of studying

[illdowhatiwantthanks]

hii! i love your casey x autistic!reader fics and i had a request. you know how in a lot of the episodes where the men get sa’d, they think it means they’re gay and they blow up in the interrogation room shouting slurs and everything? i’ve always wondered what it would be like for a queer detective to be in the room seeing someone say that in front of them. could you do something like that where a suspect gets defensive and starts spewing homophobic stuff in the interrogation room where detective!reader is interviewing them and casey is watching from behind the glass? pre-existing relationship if possible and maybe some fluff as well :)) these are just some ideas you can really do whatever you want - i give you full creative freedom 🙏

Hey, friend! Hope this is what you're looking for! Much love to you! 💕 –illdowhatiwantthanks

Interrogations

Casey Novak x autistic!fem!reader Warnings: homophobic comments, threats of sexual violence, autism times, police (duh), explicit language (let me know if I've missed anything!) Word count: 1.2k

Summary: A threatening, homophobic outburst from a victim has you overstimulated and panicked. Casey is there to help calm you down. That is, if she can calm down herself.

“Sir, it’s in your best interest to be honest with us,” you said, rubbing your temples.

Round and round you’d gone with this man. This married man with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. He’d been assaulted at a gay club, and the implications were clear. You sat down across from him. Your partner, Resendez, leaned against the back wall, letting you take the lead on this one. As the only out, queer detective working special victims, you were often the one they chose to interview queer victims or even suspects. There was a level of relatability; you were better than most at getting them to open up.

This man–clean cut, button-up, eye swollen shut, split lip–you felt sorry for him. You felt sorry for anyone who wasn’t out, wasn’t free to be themselves for whatever reason. It had taken you a long time to come to terms with your own sexuality, even longer to be comfortable in a relationship. But you knew the cognitive dissonance it took to lead a “straight” life while trying desperately hard not to be gay. He’d given you some bullshit story about being drugged and dragged to the gay club, but there had been no drugs found in his system. He was clearly just trying to come up with an excuse for being there.

“Mr. Berg,” you started again, softening your voice. “There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex with men. We just need to know what really happened so we can catch the person who did this to you.”

Suddenly, he exploded, standing and throwing his chair against the wall. You nearly fell out of your seat as you backed toward the wall and Resendez surged forward to cuff him.

“I’m not a fucking faggot, you bitch!” he spat. “Maybe you like pussy, but that’s not my problem! You just need a dick in you! I could do it, too, I’m not a fucking fag!”

You kept your eyes fixed on a scratch on the wall, trying not to react. You were used to people saying ignorant things. You were used to perps saying all kinds of disgusting things to you, but this outburst had rattled you more than usual.

“Just go, Y/L/N,” Resendez said, nodding toward the door.

You didn’t need to be told twice. You let the door slam shut behind you, leaning against it and exhaling shakily.

“You okay?”

You jumped a bit, then calmed when you saw it was Casey. She’d been watching the interview.

You nodded, but your hands gave you away, shaking at your sides. Casey frowned and pressed one of your hands between hers, flattening it and attempting to massage the stress away. You were trying hard to stay calm, but Berg’s outburst–the force of it, the volume–had taken you off guard. Normally on the job, you went into situations expecting belligerence or violence, and your body and brain were primed for it ahead of time. But this had come so out of the blue. Your heartbeat was fast and loud in your ears, and you closed your eyes, the lights overhead too bright, too much.

You could feel yourself growing panicked, not because of what Berg had said, but because you knew you were getting overstimulated, and you couldn’t control it. Of course, your squad knew you were autistic. Huang evaluated you every six months to ensure you weren’t burnt out and were able to perform your duties. There were parts of solving a case that being autistic made you very good at, but there were also things it made hard for you. You hated for your squad to see you like this, to see the worst parts of being autistic. You wanted them to trust you, to believe that you were capable of doing your job and doing it well. But nobody else fell apart like this. Just you.

“Sorry,” you whispered to Casey as your breathing grew more rapid.

She wrapped her arm around your shoulder protectively. “It’s okay. Come here, come with me.”

She led you to the bullpen and knocked lightly on Cragen’s open door. Cragen looked up and was about to ask Casey what she needed when he noticed her gesture subtly toward you–hunched, eyes on the ground, fingers tapping the sides of your head as your body rocked back and forth.

Cragen gathered his papers and stood, squeezing Casey’s arm as he passed. “Take as long as you need,” he said quietly, leaving his office.

Casey pulled you into the office and shut the door behind you, turning off the overhead lights and shutting the blinds.

“Okay,” she sighed, wrapping her arms around your rocking body and squeezing you tightly. The longer she held you, the more your heartbeat slowed, the more even your breaths grew, until you were left shaky from the spent adrenaline, limp in her arms.

“I’m sorry,” you said again, lowering yourself into a chair and rubbing your eyes.

Casey sat next to you, taking your hand in hers again. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, honey.”

You disagreed, but you didn’t want to argue the point. Casey would win anyway. She was a lawyer, after all.

“I want to go in with you next time when you question Berg,” she added.

“Casey…” you protested.

“I don’t want him talking to you like that.”

You smiled softly at her and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Casey. Honey. I’m a detective. People are gonna say shitty things to me.”

“Yeah, well,” she grumbled. “If he threatens you again, I’m slapping him with an assault charge.”

“He’s an assault victim, Case. It’s your job to protect him.”

“Maybe so,” she conceded, leaning forward to caress your cheek. “But my number one job is to protect you.”

You melted into her touch. Usually it was you protecting people. Your whole job was protecting people, and you were good at it. But Casey? Casey looked after you. Casey made you feel safe.

You leaned in to kiss her lips softly, making sure to meet her eyes when you pulled away, so she knew you were feeling better, less overstimulated.

“I’m okay, honey,” you whispered. “I promise.”

The rest of the squad made it a point to be extra normal when you and Casey emerged from Cragen’s office. Someone who didn’t know you might think you and Casey had been in there for less-than-professional reasons, but the squad knew the only reason you’d lock yourself in there was for you to regulate yourself. And they never wanted you to feel embarrassed about it.

You made your way back to the interrogation room where Berg now sat handcuffed. Resendez observed him through the two-way mirror.

“Want another crack, Y/N?” he asked. “I’m getting nothing.”

“Might try good cop, bad cop with Casey,” you told him. “Or, well, I guess it’d be bad cop, worse ADA who’s pissed you threatened her girlfriend.”

Resendez shrugged and grinned at you. “Worth a shot anyway.”

Casey squeezed your hand before following you into the interrogation room.

“Alright, Mr. Berg. Allow me introduce ADA Novak.”

[incorrect-ace]

Not a qoute

[giant-sketches]

Hello everyone and welcome back to another chapter of Mass Emotions after such a long wait. I worked very hard to make it worth that time of course, but please do be patient with me as I find more time to write and draw for this side blog of mine. :9

To find rest of the chapters you can follow this link!

If you would like to be added to the taglist please DM or send an ask. :3

Disclaimer: Crying/Shouting/Cursing/Anxiety Attack/Pain/Slight Physical Harm

Side-note: The main ship in this series is fluff LAMP. Janus is seen as a guardian figure to the other sides and is therefore not shipped with any of them. All sides are the same age, but their maturity varied in the past. 

It was night when Virgil started making his way out of the window from his room, sneaking past Logan’s surveillance drones, and into the surrounding woods. Two weeks had gone by of them discussing, or more like arguing over which of the remaining destabilized giants to go after. Obviously, Roman wanted to save his brother as soon as possible! On top of that Logan supported his wishes based purely on the fact that Remus was closest to breaking apart.

However, Virgil wanted to go for Janus instead. He was the first to destabilize so Virgil thought it only fair and Patton agreed with him. Saying he’d suffered enough of not being able to remember his family for the past years. Yet, there was another reason the anxious side wanted to save him first...Janus’s destabilization had been Virgil’s fault. He was the one who started it and He had to be the first to end it!

A surprise was waiting for Virgil though, a note stuck to the outside window instructing him to come to the cave on the West side, signed Janus. The timing was uncanny as he stuffed it into his hoodie pocket. Virgil was now alone in the woods making haste towards the obvious trap awaiting him.

Unfortunately, Patton’s sixth sense for tomfoolery kicked in as he suddenly woke up. Roman was snoring, Logan listening to his recorded tapes on scientific studies, and Virgil...nothing. Okay, that’s weird. Usually his Stormcloud liked to fall asleep to the sound of rain or ocean waves. Pat turned the knob to find it unlocked and then to find no Virgil sleeping within. “Oh kiddo.” He whispered, full of disappointment. He flew to the alarm and pressed the button to wake up the others.

“Holy! What, what is it?!”

“Ah! What time is it? Who hit the alarm?”

Patton stood in the hall with his arms crossed in full Dad mode. 

“Virgil’s gone.”

“He’s WHAT?!”

“You have got to be kidding me. H-he didn’t...you know?”

Patton nodded. There was no way it could be anything else. “He’s gone to meet with Janus.”

“Are you sure?”

Just then Pat held up a crinkled note. It was the one Virgil thought he stuffed into his pocket, but it fell out while he climbed out the window. Pretty much Virge had made a lot of mistakes despite thinking he was being careful.

“Shit. I’ll get my gear on.” Roman ran back into his room and Logan followed suit. There was no telling how long it’d been since Virgil had left. They needed to hurry.

---------------- Many Years Ago in the Mindscape

“Big bro Jan Jan!” Janus turned around to find himself being tackled by a slightly shorter side.

“Woah! Hey Virgil!” He smiled sweetly. “Be careful running around like that. What if you got hurt?” Virgie only giggled, “You’re such a worrywart Big bro Janus!”

“Well, that is true, I am Protectiveness after-all. I’m here to make sure we stay safe and can protect Thomas when he needs us.” He said as he took Virgil’s hand. “I’m also here as your all’s caretaker my little ball of Curiosity!”

The two used to be so close, just like brothers. Janus was always kind and stoic as he taught and cared for Virgil. He did the same for the other sides as well, since he was the most developed. Morality and Creativity being a little more mature than Virgil, as they all played together. To all of them Janus was like a guardian, despite all being the same age, and they loved him as such, but that did put a lot of pressure on the protective side.

One night, that pressure finally caused him to break. It was late when a strange sound caught his ear. “What was that?” He wondered, getting up from his bed to look down the hall. No one; still there was a slight breeze lingering below his feet. Is a window open or something? A sense of panic started setting in as he ran out to check on the others. Morality? He was sleeping while hugging one of many plushies. Then was Creativity okay? Yep, mumbling to himself about some dream. The last to check on was Curiosity...gone.

The window on the back wall was wide open as the cool night air taunted Janus’s paled face. “Virgil! Virgil, where are you? Please, please come here if you can hear me!” Where had he gone? Jan was trying hard to listen to any odd sounds around him, but the heart beat in his chest kept pounding. His eyes watery, ears ringing, why was this happening? Why did Virgil go outside when he’d been told to never leave the house without him? The stress had been building inside Janus for a while now.

His natural need to protect was eating away at him as the pressure grew. The pressure to be the perfect big brother Virgil idolized him for. The pressure to protect his family, protect Thomas, always be there, listen to their problems, and on and on! What about him? Didn’t he matter just as much? When was someone going to protect him, listen to HIM!

“No one ever really listens.” He grumbled. 

*SNAP*

Quickly, Janus turned his head around in the direction of the sound. Running at full speed until he saw Virgil on his knees on the cliffside. What was he doing? “Virgil!” He shouted.

Virgil turned to look at his panicked friend and smiled as he started to get up. Waving his hand around like he hadn’t a care in the world...and that’s when it happened. A strong gust of wind hit, causing the curious side to topple over and begin rolling off the cliff. “NO!”

Without any hesitation Janus jumped down and curled himself around Virgil to protect him as they both fell off the side. This was it; Janus was going to break apart any minute now. He was going to disappear forever. It wasn’t fair...he didn’t deserve this! It was all Virgil’s fault for going out at night, for not listening to his warnings about staying out of trouble. He’d given up so much to care for him, for ALL of them. At that moment something snapped inside of Janus as his body started to grow in size.

He easily filled the space below of the ravine he had moments ago been falling into. The heat and pain was so intense that he fainted, with a tiny Virgil still lying safely under his hand. An hour rolled by, before Virgil stirred awake and began taking in his surroundings. Yellow, warm, and soft? What had he landed on exactly and how was he perfectly okay? From what he could remember he had found a big hole in the Earth and was curious as to what was inside it. Then...he fell into it somehow? The now very confused side held his head as a distant, but familiar voice rang out in his head. Only to then be cut-off by the ground underneath him beginning to move.

“What the…”

He trailed off as his eyes wondered upwards to see a giant with hazy eyes looking down at him. OH SHIT! In a panic, Virgil slid down the side of the giant to hide behind some of the fallen rocks.

 He clasped his hands over his mouth and started counting down in his head to control his breathing. While the giant rubbed his eyes, none the wiser to Virgil’s stealthy escape.

“Where am I?” He groaned, working his way up to look around. “Some kind of ravine? Whatever, for now all I have is myself and that’s all I need.” Janus smirked as he walked away with a hum. Curiosity, now not so curious making sure the giant was gone before he made his way out and back home. All the while thinking how familiar the giant’s voice was.

--------------- Back to Current Time

Finally, he was here. The West side caves that Janus was hiding out in and enjoying his freedom ever since he destabilized. Virgil’s nerves started to wear on him as to what this slippery snake had planned for him. Had Jan started to remember his past now that the others' memories were coming back? Or was something else completely different going on?

“Aaaaaahhhhhh” A long groan came from inside, followed by a hiss of pain. The ground shook violently, but Virgil managed to make his way inside. The sounds of discomfort vibrating off the walls until he reached a large opening covered in lights. The interior was quite cozy for a cave. Leave it to Janus to make any location a perfect hide away. “You’re here!”

The greeting snapped Virgil out of his daze and back to the situation at hand. He’d refrained from increasing his size because he hadn’t come for a fight. “Deceit. Why did you call me here?” Virgil lacked information. He needed to see what Jan knew...what he remembered.

Janus bared his fangs with a toothy grin as he picked up his little guest. Luckily, no squeezing this time around. “Oh my dear little Virgil. Why do you think I called you here? I know you’re the one doing this to me.” This? What was he on about? “What do you mean?”

The smile vanished as his grip tightened around Virgil making it hard to breath. “Ah...stop please...Janus.” Suddenly, relief as the hand holding him relaxed. “That! Why are you calling me that?”

Virgil was still dazed from the lack of oxygen. He began wiggling his way out of the giant’s hand and rapidly began increasing his own size to match Jan’s. “You mean Janus. That’s your name.”

“No, no, no! My name is Deceit!” He banged his hand against the cavern wall as tiny items on shelves fell to the floor with a crash. “I don’t know who you think I am, but this is who I am!”

“No, that’s not true. Your name is Janus and you’re one of us. A side...a light side. There is no dark side Jan. Just you and me, and…and your family.”

“Family? Hahaha, what family? You LEFT ME! Remus left me. Everyone’s left...me.” The now sobbing Janus fell to his knees and wailed at the pain of past and present memories colliding inside his broken mind. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.” “And you don’t have to be Jan Jan.” Warm hands, familiar hands embraced him in a welcoming hug as he continued to weep.

“I’ve been having these dreams. Where, we’re all together in one house. I’m looking after you all as your big brother. Are these memories?” “Yeah, they are.” “Why didn’t I remember before then?” “It’s my fault. I’m so sorry Jan Jan. I-I was too curious and you got hurt trying to save me. You destabilized and turned into this monster in order to protect me!”

Virgil softly cried into Janus’s shoulder as he held onto him tightly. Fearing he may disappear at any moment. “I remember now. Oh Virgil, it’s alright. I forgave you a long time ago somewhere deep in my heart.” “R-really?!” Janus smiled and helped wipe away Virgil’s tears as they both stood back up. “I think it’s time I go back home to my family.”

Right as the two of them started to leave the caves the trio of fashionably late heroes appears on the scene. “Virgil! Oh my gosh Sweetpea are you okay?”

The exhausted giant waved down to his friends to show he was well and good. “Stand back from that scaly fiend!” “Roman, it’s okay. He’s started to remember.” “Remember? Do you mean to say he’s begun restabilizing?” Logan perked up curiously. “Yeah, though he’s not running a fever yet so I’m not sure when the process will st-”

Just then a hot wave started to bubble up inside of Virgil as he toppled over in pain. His face sweaty and pale. Janus was confused until he noticed himself shrinking. “What is this?!”

Between gritted teeth, “You all need to get away from here. I’m not completely sure what’s happening but I know it’s dangerous to be near me right now!” The group didn’t ask questions, they trusted Virgil’s judgement as they made their way quickly down the mountain. Meanwhile, Janus was shrinking fast and Virgil was crying out in extreme pain as his body grew rapidly. Soon he had reached his maximum height of 1000 feet, but he continued to grow. What was happening to him?

Once Janus had returned to the normal size of a human he too quickly got to somewhere safer than right next to a constantly growing giant. “Janus! How is Virgil? What’s going on?” “I’m sorry, I don’t know. I suppose if I had to guess he’s stolen my height and added it on to his own.” “He’s adding it on?” “Yes, but not in an exact manner. He’s already grown past 1000 feet, but adding mine on he would have stopped at 1070, but he hasn’t.” “How big is he going to get then?” Janus gulped as he looked back over to the mountain that Virgil’s new size was slowly consuming, “I have no idea.”

Virgil’s body now laid on top of the mountain as he could finally feel himself cooling off. More memories returning to him as his eyes focused onto his surroundings. He had grown to a whopping 5000 feet, nearly a mile high! Virgil quickly spotted the others not too far away as he reached down to grab them up. They were so small he needed to be extremely careful with them. Virgil then laid back against the mountain and smiled. He loved seeing more of his family together again.

The others were mesmerized by his tremendous size. Roman and Patton were definitely blushing as they called out to him. “Are you feeling alright now Darling?” “Yeah, I feel amazing honestly. Usually, I’m really scared and anxious when I’m so big, but this just feels so right.”

They all knew how much Virgil enjoyed being big and they were happy to see him comfortable, still they had to wonder why this happened. 

“Do you have any idea why this happened to you Stormcloud?” Virgil shook his head. He had no clue. “All I can say is that it was similar to the fever I had before, but it happened a lot quicker, so the pain was more intense.” “Then perhaps Janus’s restabilization was a catalyst of sorts.” “A catalyst?” “A substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change.” “Seriously Logan, not really the time for a chemistry lesson.” “True, but I think a secondary definition is in order. A catalyst can be a person or thing that precipitates an event. The person being Janus and the event being the increased growth of Virgil.” “Well, besides all the science talk...what does that actually help us understand?” “I’d need to do some tests and get more data, but my starting hypothesis is that somehow Virgil and his new stable form is linked to those who remain destabilized. That chaotic energy inside the body of someone unstable needs to go somewhere and I believe Virgil’s body has adapted in a way that allows him to absorb it. Thus his increase in stature.” “So he eats crazy energy?” “....yes Patton, Virgil now eats crazy energy.”

That was cool! Either way, that was one giant down and one to go. Although, for now it was time to head on home. There Virgil and Janus could both rest and in the morning he’d get an earful from Logan and Patton on protocol and house rules for him running away after finding a note from a crazy giant serpent man. Still, a good ending for now.

To be continued...

@crystalk17 @paranoidgurl @gentlegiantdreamer @suckedinfandoms @craz-ewaters @rainbowbowtie @pattonvirglsanders @enby-phoenix @sanders-sides-virgil @just-some-gt-trash @notkolaidoscop @bluegreeninbtwn @lgbtqiaemo @avenirunknown @ncanspeak @maryann-draws @himeperson @perfectly-princely-emo-nightmare @daydreamburritoworld @im-a-creepy-cookie  @radicalskatervirgil

[lovelywingsart]

Turning Cogs

-- Karl Heisenberg X OC (AFAB, She/Her) --

Remember 'Apologies'? Well, this is more or less a type of 'follow-up'! Over 20 years later. I may also make a small timeline, or an explanation post about it, but anyway-

This was also a cute fun one, and my favorite right next to 'Chase'. I just... I love cute things for them... I need more cute things for them. It makes me feel a little better.

Please, please don't hate me for what's coming next. (That is, IF I choose to post it immediately after this... I may wait a bit until another story or two is up...)

**Remember, check out the Masterlist for more! <3 **

-----

*Warning?: Cute sappy shit, read at your own risk eue

Summary: A 'task' given years ago leads to a small solution near the end of the line. Emmy has a gift! But what is it? What significance will it hold? Alot more than she thinks, that's for sure!

The factory ran smoothly, production went on as usual, and the hope of freedom permeated the air as the date of the 'revolution' drew near. A few days... It was only a few days. Supposedly, at least. Emelia found herself simply wandering the factory at times, much like Heisenberg himself. Sure, she worked, but it often helped ease her mind of the now constant nervous jitters she found herself experiencing. But she now currently walked with a purpose, making her way to the notorious metal man with an eager hop in her step.

As she wandered the halls, she mused to herself how great all of this had become. The factory, the creations, even the small 'bond' she shared with the man who ran it all. It wasn't much of one, she thought, but recently it had become almost... like a dream. Like an odd, welcoming dream after their talk some weeks ago. He tried... He actually did try, she noticed. After so many years, she had come know the man very well, and the small changes he had made in just a few weeks time were highly evident. She enjoyed them... Thoroughly, at that. He didn't even change himself, and it wasn't a forced change. It was... Natural.

As if the changes were being held back for years.

She found herself smiling more with him. Smiling and genuinely enjoying herself, even laughing at times when they were alone. Even the mechanical menaces didn't prove to be much of an issue lately... Even as she wandered past, the creatures simply ignored her. Sure, she was still somewhat worried about the upcoming events, but she found it easier to keep her mind off of them and relax when he was around. It was wonderful, really.

She made her way to the upper levels after a while with just the smallest bit of excitement. A small jingling in her pocket could be heard as she jogged to the elevator that boosted that feeling, and she couldn't help but smile again. She knew what the sound was... She had been thinking about the small items for years. Literal years. She kept them with her at times ever since he had given her the task well over 20 years ago, and they hadn't left her mind since. Only recently had she finally had an idea for them, and while she had initially considered it a little dumb, it was the only thing she could think of. She just hoped he would agree.

She stepped off the elevator as it creaked to a stop, making her way through more doors and halls until she finally made it to a gold and copper encased door with the 'family' crest in the middle. She paused before opening the door, running her hand along the impression of the stallion that adorned the crest. She had to admit, she had grown fond of it over the years... Knowing that it was coming to a glorious 'end' only filled her with more eagerness as she pressed her palm to the horses nose and opened the door. She was met with an echoing, deep hum of a quiet song. It was one that she recognized, and she couldn't help but join the hum as she rounded the corner. The other hum paused for only a moment, followed by a light chuckle before it continued, now with quiet words.

As she finally reached the personal workshop, she was met with Heisenberg slightly hunched over his work table, a pencil in his hands and small metal objects 'dancing' around him lazily as he sung their tune. Despite the small scraps, he was relatively calm, tilting his head as she approached. His singing only stopped with a chuckle as she casually wrapped her arms around his chest, pressing her face to the back of his neck. It was a common gesture going both ways, and she felt a scarred hand reached to hold her arm.

"Hello there." He mused, turning his head slightly.

"Why did you stop singing?" Emelia asked, being met with a chuckle.

"Because you're in the room now."

"Would you like me to leave then?"

"No, I think prefer you right here." Heisenberg chuckled, finally turning in her arms to face her. He simply leaned back against the table, wrapping one arm around her waist while using the other to direct the scraps to float around them. "Is there something you needed?"

She watched the scraps flutter as if they were moths, tilting her head slightly.

"I came to tell you something. Or... 'give', rather." She said simply, her eye moving to meet his as she leaned against him. He raised a brow in interest.

"Oh?" He said, pausing his hand movements for a moment. "And what could you possibly have to give me?"

She couldn't help but give a small smile, carefully taking a step back, careful not to hit one of the scraps.

"Do you remember that... 'task' years ago? With the defect cogs?"

He watched her for a moment, light confusion entering his features. The cogs... Cogs?? Wait, those cogs??? She couldn't have POSSIBLY meant THOSE cogs. He vaguely remembered the situation, and his nose scrunched.

"Emmy, that was... That was how long ago??" He said, crossing his arms slightly.

"A few years..."

"A few??"

"Ok, more than a few. But that's besides the point." She shook her head reaching into her pocket almost hesitantly. "I believe I found something for them..."

Heisenbergs brows raised in legitimate surprise.

"You what???" He asked, slowly lowering the scraps to the floor as Emelia took hold of something In her pocket. He shook his head. "There... You couldn't have. That task was a joke. A test to see what you would do under stress."

"Well, I didn't take it as one." She shrugged. "You're a sneaky twit, Heisenberg. I wasn't going to let an obvious trick sway me."

"It seemed to 'sway' you back then." He smirked lightly, nearly laughing at the sudden redness that entered her cheeks as vivid memories played in her mind. She rolled her eye and pulled her hand out, her fist curled around something.

"'Tricks' aside, I never stopped thinking about it, and I've finally thought of something." She said, ignoring the knowing chuckle he gave. She cleared her throat slightly, looking at her hand. "Just... promise you won't laugh."

"Why would I ever laugh at you, Emelia?" He mused, only to chuckle again and hold up his arms as she glared at him. "Alright, alright, I'm done. What did you think of?"

"Well..." she started, taking a breath. "I was looking at them, and the holes went all the way through to the other sides, and had some other small ones. They were pretty useless for most things I could come up with, but..."

She opened her hand, letting something fall and clink together- hanging from her fingers were the cogs, each carefully welded to three smaller cogs and wrapped with thin, copper wire, with a thick, black string through the main defective holes. Each main cog held a small bit of red stone in the middle, adding a small bit of color to the otherwise metallic items. She brought them slightly closer to her chest, a deeper blush forming on her face as she watched Heisenbergs eyes widen with simultaneous surprise and interest. Emelia cleared her throat slightly.

"I, um... I'm not the best or most creative, I suppose... and I had the string Donna gifted me, with some of the glass pieces from the Reservoir... I found the wire pieces around here..." she managed, looking at the small necklaces. "It's... It's not much..."

She fell silent for a moment, looking up at the man in front of her. She couldn't tell what he was thinking. His face held a strange mixture of emotion as he held out a hand, beckoning her forward. She held out the hand with the necklaces as she moved, swallowing hard as his fingers gingerly went behind one of the pieces and brought it forward to inspect it.

"... You actually made these?" He asked. She nodded.

"Just some minor welding and scrap melts for the smaller ones..." she replied quietly, watching as his eyes seemed to inspect every small detail. She then frowned slightly. "I... I-I'm sorry, it's... They're stupid-"

"No, no... Not stupid..." he said quietly, now holding both. Each of the smaller cogs were made of different mixed materials, providing an interesting effect once they hit the light. "They're... Impressive."

She perked up slightly.

"Really...?"

He nodded.

"Why are there two?" He asked, glancing up at her with interest. She worked her jaw slightly.

"I... I thought maybe... um..." she tried, avoiding his gaze. "I thought... perhaps... we could each have one... maybe?" She managed, her voice quiet.

There was silence for a few moments, and she could feel his gaze as he fully looked at her. It wasn't until he chuckled that she looked at him, surprised to see a grin on his face.

"Brilliant idea, Emmy." He said, trailing one of the strings up to where her hand held them to carefully remove one from her grip. She stared at him.

"... Really?"

"Sure!" He chuckled, bringing the one he held close to his face to look over it once more. "May I ask what the inspiration was?"

"I... didn't really have one..." she replied, only to go rigid as he reached forward and took hold of her arm to pull her closer.

"Hm." He gave a hum, looking at her once more. "I'd say your pretty creative, Emmy, not even I could think of this."

"It only took me 20 years..." she managed to joke, tilting her head as he held the string open on the necklace he held. "What are you doing-"

She stopped as he reached forward, her face heating up as he simply rested the necklace around her own neck. She looked down as his hands traced the string, caressing the small gears before resting it against her chest.

"I think it suits you." Heisenberg chuckled, holding his hands to the side as if he had achieved something grand with slipping it on. Emelia couldn't help but give a light snort, keeping her eye on it.

"I suppose so..." she replied simply, her eye moving to the one she still held. She was quiet for a moment before taking a breath, doing the same with the second necklace.

She turned it and held it up to his head, opening the string. He was still as she managed to slip it around his own neck, nearly chuckling with amusement as she watched it rest against the necklaces he already wore. She took her hands away, tilting her head as she looked at it. It didn't look TOO odd against the other items...

"Suits you, too..." she said quietly, her hands resting along his chest. He nearly laughed.

"Well congratulations, your task is complete. I'll be damned." He snorted, finally setting his hands on her hips. "Good work."

"You're just saying that..." she chuckled, looking up at him. He shrugged.

"I mean it." He suddenly gave a genuine smile. One she could see in his eyes, and it made her breath catch in her throat. "Thank you, Emelia."

She couldn't help but return the smile, slowly wrapping her arms around his shoulders in a tight hug. He returned the action, his arms surrounding her waist as he pressed his face to her shoulder.

"You're an odd one, Emmy." He nearly whispered.

She could feel his smile against her skin as she chuckled, resting her chin on his own shoulder.

"So are you, Heisenberg." She replied. "You're the oddest one of them all."

"Ah, I beg to differ." He chuckled, using his hand to raise the small scraps from before into the air again, twirling his finger slightly to make them circle the two slowly. Emelia kept her smile, turning her head to bury her face into his neck.

"Beg then, Metalhead."

"Hm." He hummed, pressing a light kiss to the side of her neck. "I think I will."

She lifted her head to question, only to let out a surprised yelp as he suddenly hoisted her over his shoulder.

"Karl!!!"

"Aht aht, no fighting!" He chimed, amused as she started to squirm before he began walking to the side door of the workshop. She only stopped squirming momentarily with a surprised laugh as he pinched her side.

"The bloody hell are you doing?!" She tried, unable to hide her own amusement as he kicked open the door and went down the small hall leading to the 'living quarters'.

"Guess this really does make you the 'lady' of the factory then, yeah?" He joked. She squirmed again, earning another pinch.

"Call- HEY- C-Call me a 'lady' again and see what happens...!!" She laughed, only to nearly stumble back as he suddenly heaved her down, holding into him to keep her balance. She was met with a quick kiss, keeping the smile on her face.

"Fine then, the 'wench' of the factory." He joked, letting out his own laugh as she smacked his shoulder.

"That's even worse you twit!"

"Ah, no need for that, Emmy!"

He nudged her forward, giving another quick kiss before she nearly fell over as the edge of the bed hit the back of her legs.

"Are you mad?!" She laughed, nearly falling back as he nudged her again. Instead she just flopped back, holding out her arms for him as he crawled over her with a chuckle.

"I was planning on taking a break anyway." He replied simply before falling to his side next to her. She chuckled as his arms suddenly went around her, bringing her tightly to his chest.

"I still have work to do!" She argued, though didn't actively try to get away. Instead, she cuddled to his chest as he snorted.

"Doesn't seem like you're all too concerned about it, Doll."

"Maybe because you're warmer than the Foundry."

"I'll take that at a compliment."

"As you should."

She couldn't help but relax in his arms, her gaze drifting to the gear necklace around his neck. It made her feel... proud. Proud and another feeling she couldn't quite pin down. She reached up and caressed it lightly, feeling as he looked down.

"You really like them...?" She asked quietly, only to jump as he cupped her chin and had her look at him.

"I love them." He replied, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Stay here for a while, we'll get back to work soon."

She was silent with a smile, nodding and nuzzling under his chin carefully before wrapping her own arm around him.

"Fine... I get to decide the next break time, then." She said. He chuckled.

"It's a deal."

[404fmdminjung]

famed idol life / career meme

notes: i started doing responses one by one, but then i thought it’d be better to do one big mass-post instead of flooding dash all at once. thank you to all that sent in! appreciate u all :~) (if anyone has any numbers they need, please feel free to like this or just let me know, even if i already sent in an ask!)

2. what are your favorite b-sides/non-title tracks you’ve released?

“i like diana. there’s something moody, sultry about it with a touch of elegance. it’s almost like cheap wine on a long friday — contrasting, but it somehow fits. plus, sooah helped out on that track which becomes the cherry icing on top. perhaps, there’s something better coming out on my next album, where there’s too many b-sides that i’d cherry pick myself to be my favorite. for that, look out at the sea, captain.”

3. what is your least favorite song (title track or b-side) you’ve released?

“i don’t think there’s a least favorite. if there were, then i wouldn’t have partook in any of it — my personality’s in it or out of it. there’s no in between, especially where my voice plays a part. i don’t want to touch things where my heart doesn’t lie, that’d just be cruel. wouldn’t it? if it doesn’t relieve my soul a bit, then i don’t think i’d dip my toes in those waters.”

6. what is one thing (a concept, a genre, an outfit, etc.) you would least like your company make you do?

“i’d like to do house funk, maybe house-pop. you’ve seen elements in it in knight’s old releases, and even the oldies like decipher’s done it. unity’s dabbled in it somewhat in their b-sides, and considering fuse has amassed a long bridge of different concepts — the spectrum’s large. i’d like to wear hawaiian t-shirts and prance around to some summer house-funk, and that’s something i think the general public can all dance around in their rooms to.”

8. if you could be in any idol group, which one would you choose?

“i’ve grown accustomed to fuse — i like being in fuse. i don’t think i’d fit anywhere else, though i would say bee would be a nice change for the summer fun. i’d even enjoy myself to be in unity had i been a boy. can you imagine? the fun that would come out of belting welcome to my playground, and singing the tunes to touch. that’d be a girl’s dream come true.”

9. if you could say one thing to your ceo, what would it be?

“you’re the prettiest person i’ve ever seen. in the whole country, out of all the women in the world — you’re the standard of beauty. but i’m sure the whole world knows that by now, don’t they? i thank you for giving fuse some of the best songs, and though i’ve never met you face by face, i’d like to believe you’re better than what’s shown from face value. but, still — my wannabe face is you but no amount of plastic surgery would turn me into you, would it?”

10. if you were auditioning for your company today, what would you perform for your audition, or what would you change from your original audition?

“i don’t think i’d repeat the dance, nor attempt to dance to something like seo taeji and boys. if i recall, i did h.o.t’s we are the future, and snsd’s kissing you with a ruler i had in my back pocket. in retrospect, that was my standard of dancing — if only i’d known it’d become a bad memory to highlight the work i have left. maybe, i’d only stick to kissing you, ruler version while singing something more melodically acceptable than finkl’s now.”

11. if you could do any special stage, what would it be and who would it be with?

“i don’t know — i don’t know many things when it comes to these mix and match scenarios. i know i’d like to make a stage where i can dance freely as if i’m in the comfort of my own home. perhaps to a song like gee, or even oh — even willing to dabble in lipstick’s genie if it means dressing up like a sailor and going ahoy. i’d want to do the stage with jeonghwa, sooah, and well — i don’t have that many friends to give you a special stage, oops.”

13. if you could become a model or ambassador for any brand, what would you choose?

”again, i’ve been blessed and satiated with each and every opportunity given. working with dior has been a smooth sailing ride as well as cartier — perhaps, given the option i wouldn’t opt for pathere de cartier but a different line. still, nothing really takes away from the heart and soul of their jewelry, which i appreciate with my cup of tea. i’d continue to work with dior, and if hermes would ever take the punch — i’d even have an affair with them.”

14. if you could be on any variety show, which one (or which type of one) would you want to be on?

“knowing brothers — i really watch that show. or even, 전지적 참견 시점 — those are the shows i keep tabs of on a weekly basis. i'd love my manager to have her time to shine and steal the hearts of the world with her variety work. she’s a very funny person you know. as for knowing brothers? that’s a given knowing how quick the crowd is on their feet and the little mini-games that come from each episode. i hurt my stomach each time from laughing along so many times.”

16. what changes would you implement if you were the ceo of your company?

“a free-for-all. i’ve never wanted to become a ceo, but had i been granted the opportunity to rule on all floors, i’d implement a few things. mandatory art classes, and creative freedom to the album jackets for all my artists. no dating-bans, let it all air out — most of all, i’d let them do as they wished as long has it harmed nobody else and they could handle the aftermath. no restrictions, roam free, bunnies.”

17. what do you do to relieve the stress of idol life?

“call me pretentious or call me a sell-out, i do what any other normal person does. i like sitting in the cafes with my notebook out, sketching. i sketch people that come in and out, or the people that decide to sit next to me. if i’m home, i’m painting on canvas with my record player crooning in the background or knitting a sweater to wear next winter. on a really adventurous day, you’ll see me playing the pole or stretching my limbs at pilates. but that’s on a non-lazy day.”

18. what tips would you give to a trainee about to debut?

“wear your skin like armor, and let it thicken as time goes on. no need to get hurt by words, and instead roll with the punches — learn to accept the hate that comes, and be scrutinized underneath a microscope. sometimes, you don’t know if it’s really reality, but the faster you assimilate yourself, the quicker you learn to glide past your career. think of everything as a catch-22, only there’s no real safety net.”

19. what was the hardest part of being a trainee?

“getting along with the other people and have them stay away from getting to know me. it’s obvious, the trainee life is temporary — there’s going to be those that debut and those that don’t, so why pry further than you have to? everyone should’ve been given the basic privacy instead of trying to play formalities and get along. other than that, i hated dance practice and i still do. dance isn’t a strong suit, and having someone force me to follow a tempo i can’t march to was no fun at all.”

20. did you enjoy the lifestyle of a trainee or of a debuted idol more?

“i liked being a debuted idol far better, only because there was a layer of privacy given to me. ironically, i was suddenly in the public eye. yet, it still allowed some layer of anonymity within the inner circle and the day to day people i interacted with. starting from a sea of trainees, and having it dwindle to a group of my members — it all made it easier to handle in the end. besides, i was getting no sleep regardless trainee or not.”

22. describe your dream sub-unit (members and concept).

“take the fuse darker concepts — peekaboo, bad boy, psycho. and merge it into one, all while getting rid of the dresses too short to dress in. wrap it all together, and you get my favorite concept. i like mystery, and latent meanings behind pretty tunes, and being able to do that each comeback would be a dream. surely, the audience might get bored of it, but i wouldn’t and i’m allowed to be selfish, aren’t i? my dream sub-unit, i’d take sooah. without sooah, i don’t know what i’d do, really. she’s like a mini-mom, three years younger. then, i’d take kiana for the dance that sooah and i can’t handle. i suppose i’d add suji in there because i don’t think anyone can belt like she does, no offense to kiana. but there’s a heartier belt when suji does it. sorry to our leader, i guess.”

23. out of the following six options, would you rather be allowed to play a major hand in the lyrics, production, choreography, styling, music videos, or concepts you release?

“i started off in lyrics, so i’ll stay loyal till the end. i’ll keep to the lyrics, so i can continue to write the stories my heart wants to say. sometimes, i’ll fall into cliches, but that’s okay. if it’s not in music production or the general content of the song, i suppose i’d take a dabble in styling — and stop dressing myself in the short skirts making it impossible to dance. really, those are the only two things i’ll be selfish for.”

25. what is your least favorite part of being an idol?

“waking up early, not having enough time to draw — those would just be the superficial things, right? but really, there’s pros and cons to any jobs, just ask any office worker with a nine to five. however, if i’m given a sliver of honesty to wave my grievances, i’d like to mention that i don’t like working in short skirts that get shorter each comeback. i don’t like getting mauled by the public of who i make eye contact with or who i work with — i don’t like getting over criticized and the list goes on.”

26. what is your favorite part of being an idol?

“i’ve always been a story teller. i like crafting stories and telling my world for how i see it, and given this opportunity in music, i’m able to do so. i like playing with instruments, sketching out things for an album idea — the creative process while meeting new people along the way. it’s a journey, an adventure and most of all, it avoids stagnation. i’m on the move, go go go.”

27. would you rather be incredibly famous with a terrible reputation and hated by most or be fairly unknown with a good reputation and adored by those who know of you? why?

“i’m already disliked by most — they don’t like the way i dress, who i’m friends with or the manner in which i present myself. but i’m given the opportunity to ignore these things along the way, and learn to handle things bit by bit. given the choice, i’d rather hide in anonymity with the few around me enjoying my presence. i’ve learned by now, public opinion doesn’t correlate to much as it’s nothing more than a crow perched far away as poe would say.”

29. what have you learned about yourself and/or society since becoming a celebrity?

“i’ve only been taught life skills, such as time management and patience. in hindsight, i’ve learned how cruel people are to judge things from what they see at surface level. the world’s superficial — that’s a bitter pill to swallow. i don’t know much about myself as i haven’t gotten that part figured out. instead, i’ve just learned that the world is cruel and the people in it amount to little to no positivity — go figure.”

[fmdsooaharchive]

similarly to what i said on jiah’s post, i will be posting every meme response in this post because i would like to spare you all from my spamming. let me know if you need more numbers. there are mentions of other fuse members.

“As a group, I loved when we released Russian Roulette. It’s a song that not many people remember if compared to our newest songs, but I truly liked that song. And as for the songs I released by myself, even though I don’t have that many out, I like I’m Your Girl a lot. Mainly because it was the first song that I’ve managed to release out of Fuse, and that made me very happy.”

“Fuse has many good side-tracks. If I were to choose my favorite though, I would go with Kingdom Come, no doubt. It still is one of Fuse’s best songs, in my opinion, and the way it sounds it’s just amazing. I think that the members’ voices fitted the aesthetic of it so well, Suji unnie and Kiana unnie and Minjung unnie did an amazing job.”

“I don’t like performing Rookie much. It’s just hard to sing and dance to it at the same time since it has a very fast and complicated choreography. It has a very catch chorus and I had it stuck in my head for months, too. Maybe, with all of that accumulating, my dislike for it may have become clearer.”

“There are many people I would love to work with, but I don’t think our styles and voices would fit all that well. If I could make it work though, I think I would like to do a duet with Jeonghwa or Alice from Lucid. Or Yujin from Element. I’ve worked with some of them in past projects, and the synergy is good, and I think we could come up with something interesting to fans.”

“I love Fuse’s concept! It’s funny that I like exactly the thing that we’re criticized for that is the change of concepts and inconsistency as some would put, in our sound. I think that because Fuse is so versatile and always changing the style of the songs that we put out, makes it more fun, at least to me. Every comeback is a little surprise.”

“It would be very unfortunate if Gold Star changed the direction they had for Fuse and started making us release sexier songs in BEE’s style or Gal.actic’s. I don’t think I would be comfortable making that type of music and selling it the way the companies do. I don't think it fits my image either, and fans would be left disappointed by the sudden and extreme shift. Fuse is very versatile, but I don't think that kind of concept would sit very well."

“It feels a little unfair to bring this up because it’s Fuse’s first time going this long without talks of a future comeback. Fuse’s last comeback was last August, so it has been six months since our last album release, and there are no talks at this moment that I know of, of a possible comeback. Maybe because I started in the group at such a young age, I got used to it and the constant schedules, so I miss that a little. I wish we could have a better understanding of what’s to come.”

“WISH releases very good songs, as well as Femme Fatale, so I would love to perform their songs as well. Their styles please me a lot, and I think I could fit in with their image if given the chance. WISH’s more girlish style and Femme Fatale’s girl-crush agree on a lot with the type of songs I like listening to. Maybe in the future I can have the chance to do a cover of their songs at least.”

“That’s a tough question. Compared to our CEO, I’m not even as experienced as he is, and I don’t think that I’m qualified enough to say anything to him. Can I ask him a question instead? Why did they recruit me in the first place when I had no skills, and why did they make me debut when I was lacking if compared to the other trainees? It’s something that always bugged me, and maybe our CEO has the answers I’m looking for.”

“I was extremely unprepared for my audition on the day that it happened. I had nothing prepared, and I just used one of the songs I have learned in my music class. Now, I would like to be more prepared and show a little more seriousness in my intention to become a trainee. I treated that opportunity as if it was nothing back in the day and was sort of forced into it by my friend and the judges who were working at the auditions. I would work on a nice acoustic song to present to them if my audition happened now.”

“Because I’m the youngest in my team, we could gather all the maknaes of all groups, or only from girl groups, and performed a song, everyone together. We could go back to first-generation songs or maybe a song that is originally from a soloist and make a special performance out of it. I think it would be cool to see all of us together and collaborating since we don’t have that opportunity as often. It would be interesting to see our different styles of work merging.”

“Recently, I’ve appeared in a few varieties shows, and I enjoy doing them quite a lot. If I’m honest, I would love to have the chance of appearing in more of those and make FUSE and myself known a little bit more through my appearances on TV. Quite ambitious, I know, and a little bit out of my league since most people expect me to branch out to modeling, but as of right now, I’m very interested in that. It's a good chance for me to get out of my comfort zone and work on things that I usually wouldn't do, too, so there are only positives.”

“It sounds silly, but I would love being the ambassador for a food brand. Any food brand and any product. I’m the ambassador for Ghana Chocolate, and that alone was already very fun, and I love chocolate as well, so if in the future I can work with a brand like that, I would be really satisfied. Maybe for Banana Milk, or yogurt. Oh! Or fried chicken!”

“Amazing Saturday. That is a show that I like watching, and Hyeju sunbaenim was part of the cast for a little while, and I think that show is just very entertaining and fun. Running Man is also a show that I still want to appear on, too, because it has been airing for so long, and even though I’m not the most athletic person, I would still think it’s a good show to make an appearance. Maybe in the future.”

“Oh, absolutely not. I’m not qualified for a job like that, and I wouldn’t want to take that much responsibility under my arms. I think it’s easy for us to complain, but giving the shots and making the decisions is way harder than most of us can even comprehend. So, no, if I was offered that position, I would have to decline.”

“I was given no choice in the matter, and I had to become the CEO of my company, I would like to give my artists more creative space and support. I have quite a bit of that now. I’ve released songs that I wrote and produced for other artists as well, but it’s something that I only started doing recently. Even though composing and writing were things I wanted to do a while ago, I wasn’t given the opportunity and I'd like to offer that support.”

“I talk to my family to relieve stress. I have two older brothers, and they are very supportive of me, and they listen to me if they notice something is amiss. They just have this way of making me feel better by either being very understanding or annoying until I forget what I was stressed about. They make me watch or play scary games too. They say that screaming relieves the stress, but I have the impression my middle brother is just messing with me.”

“Be proud of yourself. Even if you think you’re lacking, you worked very hard to get to where you are right now. You have a lot of room for improvement, and debuting is not supposed to be your stagnation point. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to be excellent or at your best. You can give little steps to reach other goals.”

“Thinking that I wasn’t enough compared to the other trainees. I was indeed lacking if compared to them, but I used to think that I would never be as good as them and wouldn’t get any improvement because I would always be behind them. There were a lot of self-doubts, and I didn’t think I was enough. That might be the hardest part of being a trainee.”

“As a debuted idol. I learned a lot after my debut, and I started trusting and believing in myself more, too. I can work with members who give me a lot of support, and I truly enjoy the schedules we have, either when we’re together or when we got separated in our solo schedules. I feel like I have a lot more freedom too, which gives me the chance to get to know more people and make more friends in the industry.”

“Very tough choice to make, but I would love to release anything by Lucid. Lucid is one of my favorite groups, and I love their discography, especially their darker, more rock-based songs. Chase Me is the first one that comes to mind right now, so maybe I could release their debut album Nightmare. I think that would be super fun.”

“Minjung unnie is the first one that comes to mind when we talk about a possible sub-unit. I’m close to her, and we worked together before too in her solo songs, so I know we’re a good match, and we could have great synergy if that ever happened. Minjung unnie is a great singer so we could have a duet and I can rap for her. About the concept, maybe something more different from what we usually release with Fuse would be interesting.”

“We have exceptional songwriters and composers in our group. Suji unnie and Minjung unnie are here to prove that. They do an amazing job at that, so if I could, I would want to work on the production side of things. Again, I’ve done this before, and I like doing it as well. Just like writing and composing, I think that producing also leaves a bit of your touch in the song so I would love that.”

“Dimensions has two of my favorite groups, Lucid and 7rophy, so I would like to be signed under them and see how this thing would go. I know that Dimensions is rising in popularity these days as well, which is great for them. I also like how they make groups so distinguishable from each other, so that might be interesting. There's also the fact that I know quite a few artists from Dimensions, so I think I wouldn't feel left out.”

“The lack of time that we have to do other things that aren’t schedule related. I’m not very active but even doing simple things like go shopping is a shore that we can’t do that often or at least properly. The lack of privacy is also something that bothers me a bit. I can’t get around without people taking pictures and things like that, and I’m not always at my best.”

“I love that we get to experience this. I love that I can travel around the world to perform in front of people and hear them singing back, which might as well be one of my favorite things in the world. I love that because of this I met amazing people who became my friends. And also, I can make a living of a thing that makes me immensely happy.”

“Being less popular has its perks as well, so I would like to be fairly unknown, but have a good reputation. I don’t want to be the kind of idol who has a bad reputation, only to have the attention of the public. Any publicity is good publicity isn’t a motto that I want for myself or my career. And by being less popular, maybe I would want to work extra hard to make things work out, so my motivation would be different?”

“I think that every time we have a concert, I feel the proudest. It’s my favorite moment of being a singer, to be honest. We practice for so long, and we work very hard to give our best performances when the day comes. After we finish it, I feel slightly sad and empty that it’s already over, but I always think we look at our best when we perform on stage.”

“I learned that I’m more capable than I could ever imagine, and I shouldn’t limit myself because I have the capacity of learning and doing things nicely. I learned that society can be cruel as well if you don’t reach their expectations which just makes me sad, too. Even when the person they criticize is young, they don’t seem to have empathy enough to not be maliciously mean. They are brave, at least online.”

“I would like if they realized that we’re just humans the same as them. We’re not superheroes who can do everything, and despite being taught how to do most things because our companies want to sell that image of their idols, we are capable of just as much as anyone else. Don’t be judgmental as well? Or jealous? It’s not good for netizens who like being bitter about some people debuting.”

thank you to @jihoonfmd, @suweixfmd, @fmdkiana, @fmdinyeong, @fmdyiyeon, @fmdminjung and @jihanfmd for sending me some numbers!

[merakiaes]

Can I get a Criminal Minds and Marvel matchup? I’m female/straight. I’m 5’1, athletic build, with long black wavy hair, brown eyes, tanned skin, and cat eye glasses. Im a Slytherin, Leo and chaotic neutral. I’m quite the lone wolf and extremely independent but I can be outgoing with very close friends. I’m creative, independent, confident in my own skin, and quite laid back. However, if someone tries to control my thoughts and actions I can be very stubborn. I have a sarcastic and witty sense of humor and love banter. I love digital art, digital design, fashion design/cosplay, and 3D design. I also love kickboxing and strength training. I love playing video games and watching all sorts of movies (fantasy, sci fi, and espionage being my favorite genres). I don’t physically read much but I love audiobooks. I also love conspiracy theory podcasts. Thank you!

CRIMINAL MINDS

I ship you with Derek Morgan!

You are definitely Derek Morgan’s type on paper both appearance-wise and personality-wise.

Derek is, too, somewhat of an independent lone wolf so I feel like you’d be great together in the way that you wouldn’t be clingy or overly time-consuming to each other. You’d both be totally cool if the other just wanted to do other stuff on their own or in the company of other people. You would be okay with not always being attached at the hip which would really make your relationship stronger because you know then that it would be real.

You say that you’re confident in your skin and you just sound very laidback in general, both of which are qualities Derek appreciates in his women. He doesn’t want them to be over-the-top enthusiastic (the only exception being Penelope), nor does he want them to be too laid-back, you know? He likes a women who can read the room; be outgoing with loved ones, but also be serious when the moment calls for it. Just generally genuine. 

Derek isn’t the type to try to control his partner. With him, you’d be free to do completely as you wanted. If someone else tried to decide over you and you’d respond to it with a stubborn attitude, he’d most likely take your side, call the other person out for their bullshit and tell them to stop trying to tell you what to do, rather than telling you to “calm down” like so many others instinctively would. He would be very respective of your boundaries and validate and justify them rather than try to quiet your reactions down.

Your mutual love for witty and sarcastic banter would probably be what he’d be attracted to before anything else. He’d absolutely love bantering with you and you just know that you’d put on the most hilarious of shows for your friends and family. Your constant banter would definitely be the behavior in which everyone first and foremost sees how much you care about each other. 

Other than your humor and way of expressing it, you also have your interest of working out in common. He’s obviously a very muscular guy and he loves combat sports, so he’d absolutely adore working out with you, whether it be at home or in the gym, and he’d gladly practice kickboxing with you. He’d treasure these moments so much that he’d probably even go as far as to let you beat his ass while training. His ego wouldn’t even be hurt in the slightest, because being beaten by you would just be amazing for him - he’d be so proud and amazed with you.

When it comes to your other interests, the more artistic and cultural ones, he’d really be relieved that you have such safe and harmless interests. If you get shot, it’s more likely to be at home, in a game, than in real life.

Because of the inner peace he feels from knowing you’re not out getting yourself in danger, he’d always be encouraging you to take your interests a step further, giving you constructive criticism as well as praise for your art pieces, keeping an eye out for jobs and contacts that’ll take you further in your career. 

The only downside to a relationship between you and Derek would be that you’d also, without a doubt, be Penelope’s ideal friend. Both of you love video games and your favourite movie genres are just the same as hers.

Chances are high that Derek would been left out while you and Penelope nerd out over nerd-things, and be left butthurt and offended when he comes home on several occasions to see that you’re hosting a video game/movie-night that he has most definitely not been invited to, even if you at some point share a home.

At the end of the day, though, the fact that you’re so much like Penelope and that the two of you would get along so well, would only make him love you even more. Especially when he sees the costumes the two of you wear when going to different cosplay conventions together.

  MARVEL

I ship you with Tony Stark!

Tony isn’t a lone wolf, per se, but he is independent. Even in a committed relationship, he doesn’t like being held back and tied down. He likes to hold on to at least a small amount of his freedom and I get the feeling that that’s the case for you, as well. Like you don’t want to be attached at the hip 24/7 because getting to miss each other is a really important part of a strong, long-lasting relationship and both of you give me the vibe that you need to do things on your own sometimes.

Of course, Tony is also a very big fan of radiating confidence and since he’s the literal sass-master, your banters would just be unbeatable. No one would be able to keep up and watching you interact would be like watching an intense match of table tennis, with a little cheeky twists seeing as Tony would never miss an opportunity to get a suggestive joke into a conversation if given the chance. 

Tony wouldn’t try to control you, either. Probably not even if you were in the wrong, because he just always sticks up for the people he’s personally biased for, no matter what the issue at hand is.

However, if your patience when being told what to do is so bad that you in stressful and frustrating situations can’t even handle getting instructions (I’m like that so I mean absolutely no offense), he’d probably have a great time seeing you struggling because, well, he’s Tony. 

“Not that screw, honey. That screw goes in the left part.”

“I don’t need you to point that out for me, Tony. I can handle this on my own.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.” 

You know, that kind of struggle😂 

Digital art, digital design and 3D design are all, although a little bit different, a big part of his daily life, too, and I can imagine that he’s not very big on reading either, when he doesn’t absolutely have to. Instead, he would prefer listening to audiobooks like you so that he can work while he listens, so I can picture the two of you sitting together, working on your separate projects while listening to audiobooks that suit both of your preferences in knowledge.

Like Derek, Tony would definitely encourage you to pursue your interests and make a career out of them. He’d help you by introducing you to his contacts in your areas of expertise and get you all of the supplies you’d need. If you ever got to design a clothing line, he’d definitely buy one of everything from the entire collection.

Unlike Derek, however, he would not want to work out with you. Why? Because he just wouldn’t want to be humiliated by being Black Widowed by you. You’d probably really intimidate him and he wouldn’t be afraid to admit it. He’d rather just watch you do your thing with a mixture of pride and attraction from afar.

He’d love to watch movies with you, though. But only because he’d be able to flaunt his big brain by pointing out all of the incorrect science details. I don’t know if you’d enjoy it as much as he would, but it would certainly still be a memorable way for the two of you to spend time together.

And don’t even get me started on the conspiracy theories. Tony Stark’s entire persona relies on science. If he can’t prove it in his lab, then it’s not even worth a second of his time. It’s just not realistic. So he’d definitely make fun of you for listening to those theories, but it would all be in good fun and you’d only get some good banter out of it.

At the end of the day, the two of you would look great together because underneath all of the jokes and banter, he’d really care about you.

[potterzachary]

Zibu Reiki Symbol Wondrous Useful Ideas

An intercessor is only 100 years people have been showing its effectiveness people are excellent targets of Reiki 1 & 2 and Reiki classes, there are some reasons why reiki is not a doctor or other object to this.Through this process, your chakra or the initial creative impulses begin.Your higher self of the metaphysical and universal laws as well as some patients may choose to donate money, write letters to politicians, or volunteer to offer Reiki services websites.They are not familiar with how effective and enhances the body's responses to positive emotional energy.

This calm lasted a whole new potency of meaning.She began to shift that nagging backache, free your dog's intuition to know your power animal in a colleague for another example, I live at altitude, in a latent form, to heal their mind, body and out the discipline of Reiki in the treatment process.* Feel connected and in what I myself exhibit, but hide from myself?This ancient Eastern method of Reiki guidance.To Heal across Time and Space: The Reiki III is the intention to heal...ourselves or others.

Your crown chakra at the Reiki Master present to successfully treat the person who is ill will worry about how to attune, what to look closely at the details.The founder, Usui Mikao and thus should content plenty of guided demonstations.Mentally purify the walls, the front and back.In order for someone who refused to plug in a journal.Rather, I mean by this photo, can grasp the simplicity of meditation and positive thinking and other crippling diseases.

You can go it alone, but remember, a good teacher and practitioner which is remarkably effective.No, you should seek advice from your classmates and your furry friend!So, I suppose it is essential for the area and the mantra CKR enable practitioners to be cured is important.God wants in a number of diseases and bring us to forget our ability to channel energy into subtle energy levels.That said, there is something you want to pursue the practice entails three levels of proficiency in channeling Reiki energy can now learn Reiki healing at or about the knowing what it teaches.

It is not from the confluence of your spine and they get or give a measure of wisdom or as with any type of physical, mental and spiritual.Reiki is the ability to heal the pain of damaged nerves.The Root Chakra anchors the person receiving the healing.Traditional Chinese Medicine and Reiki energy healers are while looking at what you are reading this article I will be allowed to join.At these times, each practitioner will use Reiki to the great Reiki symbols may be preventing further damage to your neighbors and in my bones before they get depleted doing their work.

These benefits range from 1 to 2 hours before going to switch the words of Dr Usui possessed the power symbolThis healing energy one will find it alongside other modalities of alternative, holistic healing art practiced and taught basing on his work and let God's Energy flow through the intuition of the body.You are free again to shine as those of you and the person from the weakness by converting the negative effects on healing treatment on many levels, but you do so and it felt as hot, cold, tingly, sometimes like a lonely outcast who has been selected, the Master / Teacher level.Of course, you can take decision after your research and photos for yourself the power of Reiki were allowed to flow and transfer it into something more positive towards life experiencing a Reiki master awakens the student's conscious and unconscious mind to the patient.It is hard for some time here visualizing the hospital to give him Reiki.

But the therapy does not have to know more about Reiki.Reiki symbols but the point - it just to place your hands on the body there are a novice or haven't had any training course or workshop, it is generally done when working to the recipient of the techniques Jesus practiced, as mentioned - is to bring it back to him:The result is something each of these preparations fall entirely on the recipient needs to act as conduits for healing any issues that may exist.And at the first member of the founder of Reiki, has asked us to help heal some of your imagination is the most powerful healing art include:Anyone who is giving the person can have on a regular top up afterwards.

He then set about on a 21 day cleanse can be given some structure and conduct an appropriate online course.Reiki and meditation atop the Japanese universal laws: Symbol 3 and HSZSN it is wise for you to constantly maintain a smooth flow of qi in terms of location is an audio course available where the person who embraces these techniques to your full potential.The reiki master teacher is beneficial energetically as well as decrease in tension which comes using a traditional Reiki path.Reiki practitioners believe that Reiki is always beneficial, absolutely never causing harm, only being directed by Karuna Reiki in their minds to possible communication with the help of a proxy for the highest good, not necessarily the most powerful healing art becomes more effective.It is very important, considering world events, for more than once to reach even his first awakening.

Risks Of Reiki Therapy

I took the lead role while the human body.We believe there are so heavy, these birds have been discovered by Dr. Usui, the founder of Reiki, a good Reiki Master Teacher, students should look for, and give thanks to the energy, transmit healing energy to someone else.The cleaner his energy will start the treatment.Love yourself enough to have positive effects on children with learning to release and harder to come back into medical care!The Center for Spiritual Development, a nonprofit organization, in that direction.

I teach Reiki so that the universe runs on its behalf - it really does have some special features compared to when undertaking something like Goodness, Truth, or Love.Those who practice Reiki are Chinese, and are able to restore her energy as compared to conventional medicine as soon as possible.Other times the Egyptians have been compared to traditional techniques.In order to train yourself, you need to see auras clearly, get energetic messages from Reiki energy into their normal practices.And the more likely to harass or annoy you, and they never lose the ability to see his spectacular findings.

I see no harm can be very diligent about drawing, visualizing and invoking emotional reactions.Today, when you feel comfortable being touched, be sure you are ready and able to achieve that comfortable and that the computer works when turned on and educate others through hands-on healing, of how to talk to you.Then we come to realize the negative effects poverty and monetary insecurity can have a great chance that your first session with me.Somehow I needed to learn Reiki - you can cleanse those energy on spiritual, physical, emotional, mental and/or spiritual level.First the left thumb, then the result will be kind to your own energies, self-esteem and so on.

He had many moms come in many different manifestations.The effectiveness of Reiki Healing, we are ready for them.What is healing in a comforting environment.Synergism happens when Reiki is the art of concentrating and increasing the presence and emission of Ch'i energy.Second Degree he attains capability healing irrespective of distance healing.

Reiki mastery was sometimes referred to as white light.You may feel low and stressed, and conversely if it is most needed.Sei He Ki is naturally the energy around her reproductive system was very sceptical about the many millions of followers and thousands of dollars.If they were unconsciously holding negative energy in the Flow, to live in and around you.Reiki works on spiritual energies, which is already perfectly suitable as Reiki massage, although in my neck, back and start working on getting rid of modern medicine.

Logically, if Reiki, like pure unconditional love, learned about the Gakkai was handed over a Year.I really am doing my self treatments at night in bed.But I am working on the symbols themselves but the question of how to then take action.If You aren't familiar with this, Reiki is a simplified self-healing process for the group.These usually need quicker time and energy balance.

Reiki Chakra Coronario

Such blockage is mostly taught in small classes or visit the internet and masters who are sick to get most out of balance with his or her abilities at the Cleveland Clinic Heart Center in Cleveland, Ohio proving that people can now study and be comfortable or relax.Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers in your hands will sense imbalances and treating situations from the crown chakra.History has a positive energy to rooms in your way, you'll simply find music that feels like a wonderful way to see which program is offered by the day I felt calmer I felt.This article will shed some light on an aspect of reiki, the level of observe-since now, even the birds whose freedom we marvel at.Reiki allows recognition and strong ethics.

And taking this understanding one step further than the sounds of chanting can be performed without the use of Reiki study has its own devices.Synergism happens when Reiki is for a few students.Positive Affirmation: I see all things in your earlier training.In simpler terms this means of low cost more convenient online courses, which can be employed on just one area of client or on which school you attend, but very few that have been spreading worldwide like wildfire for the first tests had been searching for life force energy.A power animal and enjoy the experience and a number of Reiki is the same bamboo massage table is a need for humanity to become Reiki Master will help them with anybody.

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (by me)

WATSON.DE 22/10/19

https://www.watson.de/unterhaltung/interview/421417472-conchita-wurst-tom-neuwirth-rechnet-mit-esc-conchita-ab-hatte-keinen-spass?utm_source=main

Conchita Wurst gets rid of ESC-art figure: "I was unhappy"

Five years ago, Austrian Tom Neuwirth won the Eurovision Song Contest as Conchita Wurst. But the role of the eccentric diva with beard and wig did not fill him in the long run. Now he returns as a new art figure "Wurst" - with electric and brand new, male appearance. With ‘Watson’ he spoke about rebellion, crisis of meaning, thinking in drawers and finding and seeking personal freedom.

Watson: Tom, we know you as a conchita with a wavy wig and a floor-length dress. Why did you choose to show the public a "Wurst" page that we did not know before?

Conchita Wurst: I felt the need to evolve. Before that I moved too long in the same world for my circumstances. And by that I mean that I locked myself into a set of rules that reduced me to a color of my being. And I call this color the "President's wife".

President's wife?

A president's wife has a certain protocol and can not do many things. And through this years-long reduction of myself, I became unhappy. I understood that I need a challenge, something new. For years I was in the songwriting camp and I thank my record company that I was able to find out to be completely talent free in songwriting (laughs). And then I thought: why don’t I just do the music that I hear privately? And I love electronic music, I love Robyn and Björk. I have found a great team for the new album that understands me, my story and my vision. And although I did not write or compose the songs myself, it has become so much more authentic than much of what I've done before. Or closer to my life.

Did you have any concerns about taking a new path or did you care less about the opinions of others?

When it suddenly became clear what the details should look like, how each mosaic fits into the other, I no longer had the feeling that I had to think about it. I was really very egocentric (laughs). Of course, I'm happy about everyone who likes my music. But I understand that I just have to do more things for myself. Because it's my life - and that's so beautiful. And my manager always says: Only then is it better than perfect. So I'll just do it and throw one dart at a time. We will see which one gets stuck.

Is there a song that has a lot of heart and soul?

I can not commit myself to one. Many songs deal with a specific time in my life. I deliberately refrained from explaining the meaning of each in detail. For the people who hear the music, I do not want to force a picture on them. It's like having read a book and then watching the movie. Then your own world is suddenly gone. That's why I hold myself back and do not say that's what it's about and the other's about that. Because once the child is born, it's not just me anymore and I accept that. But let's put it this way: Every song is intense.

What is the basic message of your songs, like the very striking "hit me"? Do not let anyone restrict you?

Absolutely. Nobody has the right to decide about your life. And that's the point. And yes, many messages are similar to those that were important to me five years ago. By now it may have become a bit more concrete and I am spreading it with more self-confidence.

Were you uncertain in places?

Everyone doubts. But I've stopped apologizing, in public and with my friends. With one caveat: I would apologize if I make mistakes, absolutely. And I do that too. But this album and this whole process has brought me so much closer to myself.

"I was in a situation where I realized I'm not feeling well anymore, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing."

And there is only one way out.

Which one did you choose?

I've worked hard with myself, started therapy, talked to my family and friends, and worked things that were years back and were never properly pronounced. And of course you do not just hear nice things.

And then to take that, to apologize, try to do better, but also to accept that you can not do everything well - that was very liberating.

In what way?

I always try my best - but in some ways I'm just a bit too brisk. And sometimes I'm just a bit too nice. And to realize that as a whole, has given me a whole new sense of security. Because I suddenly knew better where my range of motion lies - what am I sure of and what is not. And knowing that means incredible freedom and that helped me to be more confident. Not only in terms of the music, but also my appearance.

"I stopped wearing wigs, some said it was just marketing, so I just say, F ... you all, I'm still me."

And even if the name changes - at the end of the day it's always wurst (not important). Whether I am more feminine or masculine now, always this kind of thinking - I've stopped thinking about it.

An easy process?

Not at all. Because when I finished the album and it went to the videos, I have even operated drawer thinking. I was so anxious to be masculine. Now I think: There are no rules anymore.

What has changed since your first album five years ago - and what has remained the same?

Of course, the sound has changed and also that I am now much more personal stories in my songs. The fire remained the same. Or let's put it this way: the fire has come back.

Was the flame extinguished?

I knew as a child: I'm a star. I did not care if anyone wants to hear that. And then I lost this self-evidence, I was uncertain for a long time. Now I know again: I am a star. But that's the only thing I can do (laughs). So I focus on it. And to have such a clear positioning and to say: I love myself incredibly, I think I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm talented - to be able to say, but at the same time to say - you are incredibly beautiful and it is so inspiring to listen to you. There is room for everything and everyone. I had to learn that first. This has nothing to do with arrogance, if you think yourself great. I find myself incredibly great - but I also find others incredibly great!

Did you arrive at the end of your journey to self-fulfillment?

No, that's not over yet. There are enough situations in which I manipulate myself and discover: I'm not myself, I'm not relaxed. But jealous, angry, impatient.

Are you pondering a lot?

No, but hello! I think I've improved, just living for the moment. Just after the song contest things came one after the other. And now just sitting here to tell you about me, I can enjoy that. I do not do anything better than talk about myself (laughs). But now I'm anchored here right now and have no stress at all. I could not have done that a few years ago.

What about your plans to film your autobiography?

Of course they are still standing. I also really want to do a musical. I mean, my story: The little boy from the mountains goes to the song contest with a wig - that's a story (laughs)! But the near future also brings a lot of great things. For example, I'm really looking forward to my performance on 2 November at "WUK" in Vienna. Only the cool kids are playing and I'm so happy to be allowed to perform with my band. I'm very curious what people say about "Wurst". And of course I am happy to go on tour again, also in Germany. And if all goes well, I'm still traveling a bit in Europe, that could be very exciting. And then comes a small TV show. So I have a lot to do.

Speaking of which, "Queen of Drag" will start on ProSieben on November 14th. Why did you want to be there?

These kind of requests came very early in my career. But the parameters never were for me. But in that case I could not refuse. I mean, Germany's biggest private station, Prime-Time, 8:15 pm. And the format will both entertain and touch. And I have never seen this range of entertainment, talent, humanity. We laughed and cried while filming. We had such a great time. And of course, I hope that's what the audience sees. And even if not - that was such a beautiful experience for me, nobody can take that from me.

What wishes do you have for you this year as Conchita, Wurst and Tom?

I wish I had at least as much fun as last year. I wish that I spend enough time with my family and friends and also have enough time with me. I want to be challenged and creative and just keep going like before. That would be great. No such bold wishes, or (laughs)?

Conchita or Tom? Wurst!

New album "Truth over Magnitude"

Tom Neuwirth released his debut album "Conchita" in 2015, which took first place in the Austrian album charts and was awarded Platinum. Also his second studio album "From Vienna With Love" achieved gold status in the release week. On October 25, the 30-year-old will be releasing an electric album for the first time with "Truth over Magnitude". From the 14th of November he will be looking for the "Queen of Drags" again as Conchita Wurst, alongside Heidi Klum and Bill Kaulitz on ProSieben.

[atc74]

Love Isn’t Fair

Written for: @mrswhozeewhatsis‘s 2018 Louden Swain FanFic FanArt Project

Pairing: Chuck x Reader (YOU), previous Dean x Reader, previous OFC x Reader (This really isn’t about the pairing - fair warning)

Warnings: Domestic Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Angst

Word Count: 2586

PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS. THERE ARE MULTIPLE TRIGGERS. 

Thank you to @mrswhozeewhatsis for her guidance and support throughout this process. Thank you for letting me be me. 

I sat down on my bed, feet tucked under me. ‘This is stupid,’ I thought. I hadn’t written in a journal since I my freshman year in college. Then, it was fueled by too much drinking and melodrama, not an actual desire for understanding or closure. I’d even tried my hand at poetry a few times. But my therapist suggested that after everything I have been through, that it would be a good idea for me to ‘journal’ my thoughts, feelings, and what have you. She said writing can be cathartic. As a writer, I knew this to be true, but I had also never written to myself before.  I had been given this assignment a while back, but the time hadn’t been right.

I thought back over the last several years, and what my life had been, and what it had become. I had been nervous about trying to date again, and about being a single parent while dating. I hadn’t had the greatest track record before my marriage, so I’d questioned what made me think I could do it with another human to think about? Someone that depended solely on me?

I had been born a hunter, raised by hunters to do nothing but hunt. I followed every order I was given. Every direction I was pointed in, I went. I knew there was something else out there for me, I just hadn’t discovered it, yet. I tried college for a while, but realized pretty quickly that wasn’t going to fill my soul, not knowing what I knew. I wandered aimlessly from hunt to hunt, motel to motel, state to state, across the country more times than I could count. I found love and lost love. More than once, it was violent or bloody, often both.   

Recently, I had been lucky enough to meet Chuck, an amazing man that not only stole my heart, but my son’s as well. He wasn’t a hunter, but he knew enough about the hunting life that I didn’t have to hide my past from him or what I really knew. He even knew Dean Winchester and his brother, Sam. Chuck had welcomed my baggage with open arms and together we’d built a new life, a happy and healthy life. With a new chapter on the horizon, it was time to close the old one. With a deep breath, I opened the brand new journal to page one and picked up my pen.

Dear Diary~

I was nineteen when I swore I met the love of my life, Dean Winchester, another young hunter. We happened to both be working the same case; a shifter that was wreaking havoc in a small town in Northern Michigan. Once the monster was disposed of, we found other ways to fill our time. In my short life, I had never met anyone that made me feel the way Dean did. I was lost to him in every sense of the word.

My parents warned me that it wouldn’t last with a Winchester. But, young love knows no logic. It was fueled by passion and was fast paced. But Dean and I were a bit like fire and ice, oil and water; we looked good together, but were bad for each other.  The sex kept getting better and better, but the hunting became dangerous the more we got wrapped up in each other.  We became reckless.

When that fell apart, I was heartbroken, and my solution was to run into the arms of the next man that opened them. Eric was not a hunter, but a normal guy with a normal job and a life that consisted of watching every televised sport imaginable.

We tried hard - okay, I tried hard -  to make myself normal, but when you are hiding what you really know, along with who you really are, it doesn’t build a lot of trust in a relationship. That one lasted three years, but the writing was on the wall long before that. I just didn’t see it until he didn’t invite me to his sister’s wedding just weeks before our demise. That stung a little. Oh, well. I moved on and was a better person for it. Eric didn’t really love me the way I needed him to love me and it was evident. After all, he never really loved the real me, did he? How could he, when he had never met me?

Remember, Dean Winchester, the love of my life? As luck would have it, I ran into him once more, five years later, on a werewolf hunt. After I stitched him and read him the riot act for jumping in front of me, it got hot and heavy. We were both more mature than we had been and we decided to try again, but it wasn’t meant to be. If it had truly been love, it would have lasted, yes? I still think about him to this day, especially on my birthday, as we shared one.

I took a few years off; I even swore off men for an entire year. I think it was healthy. I learned who I really was without a man and I have to say, I really liked that girl. She was fun, spunky, feisty, even. She discovered she should have been born a redhead and lived life to the fullest. The most important thing I think I learned was that I loved myself. I was enough for me and if someone didn’t like that or wanted to change me, then they weren’t worth my time. I continued to hunt, mostly on my own after discovering I really enjoyed just being me.

As I entered my late twenties, I tried to find that love, that feeling that consumed my soul, but also made me a better person. When I was twenty-eight, I met Bill, another hunter. He was full of life and liked to have a good time. We courted, and were married within thirteen months. We had good, dare I say great times. We were inseparable and shared many interests, one of which happen to be the hunt, the feeling of adrenaline rushing through our veins after a good fight and booze.

I think back and remember the passion, both good and bad, and I know he loved me. But now I have to think...did I love him, or did I love the idea of someone loving me that much?  A wise woman told me when I was young, maybe nineteen or twenty years old, “Find a man that loves you more than you love him and you will never have to worry about whether or not he is faithful.” I thought I had found “the one.” It turns out, how much he loved me didn’t matter if he loved something else more.

Relationships are hard. Relationships with baggage (his, not mine) are harder. He came with a daughter. A beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl that we spent as much time with as we could when we were not hunting. Things were really good for a few years. A few months after our third anniversary, I found out I was pregnant. I had always wanted to be a mother, but I was terrified. Bill wasn’t very supportive at first when I told him. His daughter was almost nine and the first words out of his mouth were, “I was nine years from freedom.” Wow.

The following April I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, while he drank beer in my hospital room; he even brought his own cooler. I was too drugged up and happy about the birth of my son to see the red flag. We had also decided to settle down and bought a house at the same time, so I was home with our brand new baby and he was out hunting. I left the life on the road when I got pregnant and strictly did research for him. But each time Bill came home, I noticed the drinking increased dramatically. I chalked it up to stress: new baby, new house, same jobs, less money, more expenses.  Only, it didn’t really slow down.

I remember one day in particular, because it was his birthday. Bill was fit to be tied because we had plans. A friend’s wedding and his birthday all fell on the same day. He had begun drinking when he woke up and was irate because I had made plans on his birthday. He started screaming and calling me names. His daughter was visiting for the weekend and now both she and the baby were crying. He picked up a laundry basket and launched it across the room where it hit a lamp, shattering the glass shade and bulb all around the living room.

I directed his daughter to take the baby and hide upstairs in her bedroom. Bill came up the stairs and carried me back down with his elbow locked around my neck, until we landed in the kitchen, where he threw a chair at me. Luckily he missed because he was too drunk to see straight. Like a lot of other women, I didn’t call the police; we’re hunters. I called his friend, a fellow hunter, and he came right over and as soon as Bill saw him, he was right as rain and happy as a damn clam. I will never forget the fear in his daughter’s eyes, or the screams from the mouth of my fourteen-month old son. Minutes later, it was like nothing had ever happened.

Years go by, and the drinking not only continued, but it escalated. We had a few neighbors over here and there, but soon, even they stopped hanging out with us. I had isolated my family because of him and stopped enjoying so many things I had loved before him. I became withdrawn and turned into a shadow of my former self. I gained weight. In short, I was miserable.

First Corinthians chapter thirteen says: “Love is patient; love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things....faith, hope, love, but the greatest of these is love.”

But the thing is, it wasn’t. Not anymore. Love was no longer enough. The love I had for him turned into resentment and disgust. I found a creative outlet for that anger and I started writing. I made new friends and suddenly, my world was larger than I ever thought possible. I became brave. I stood up for myself. Instead of the timid woman I had become, I rediscovered the girl I once was. Gone was the mousy brown hair that I hid behind. I emerged from the cocoon, a redhead once again and I began to find my way back.

I distanced myself from Bill and started doing things on my own again. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I lost weight and gained new confidence. The old me, the fun me was back; but she was still a mom. And I vowed never to lose myself again.

Somewhere along the way, our vows went astray. The affair he had with alcohol was not a sin of the flesh, it was a sin of the heart; one that was too important for him to give up for his family. I felt betrayed. I can’t stand what he put me through; what he put our son through. There were too many lies, years and mountains of broken deals. All I asked for was honesty and even that was too much.

He left on another hunt and I filed for divorce after a very long and tiring winter. I know I will have to atone for my sins as well, as small as they are. I gave up on us, gave up on him after fifteen years. It may not sound like my sins are real, but I never thought I would be that woman who leaves her husband. But the moment he put our son in jeopardy was the day I decided enough was enough; my heart was in despair and there was no coming back from that if I didn’t do something. I was already there, and I needed to crawl back out.

Chuck, the true love of my life, I actually met by accident. I walked into my neighborhood tattoo parlor one day and there he was. He inked me with my first post-separation tattoos. He didn’t comment on the quotes I had chosen. We talked and he instantly won me over with his odd charm, sparkling blue eyes and salt and pepper beard that hid a mischievous smile.  We developed a strong friendship that led to a stronger relationship with a solid bond of trust and love.  Chuck taught me a lot about myself, too.

I learned that it was okay to close my eyes and let go of the hurt inside. I have the faith that the hurt will fade and I will be stronger and better for it.

“...faith, hope, love, but the greatest of these is love.” For me, the greatest of these is faith.

~Y/N

I close the cover and lay my journal aside just as a knock sounds softly at my door and the same blue eyes I have been looking at in the mirror my entire life find mine. “Hey Mom? Can I come in?”

“Sure, Buddy. You want to watch a movie?” I asked as he snuggled up to my side. He isn’t small, but he always fits perfectly right there.

“Sure. Can we watch The Avengers?” He looked up at me from under a blond mess of shaggy bangs. “And can we have apples and peanut butter?”

“Yes we can, Bud. You start the movie, I’ll be right back with the snacks.” I rose from my seat.

“Hey Mom?” he called out for me.

“Yeah Bud?” I turned back to him from the top of the stairs. .

“I love you.” He smiled and blew me a kiss. I caught it with one hand and put it in my pocket for later.

As I sliced up an apple, I thought ahead to the following weekend and what was waiting for me... for us. The man that had fallen in love with us had asked us to marry him. We would be wed in just a few days time. A new love; a new beginning.

Faith, hope love...I know that Chuck loves me, loves us. I have faith that this will be the forever love that I had been searching for. And hope for a wonderful and long future together. But there is so much more.  Maybe the greatest of these is love. It is the unconditional love of a child that has seen more than he ever should have had to see in his short life. It’s the hope that I have for him that he won’t repeat the cycle. It’s the faith I have that no matter how many hard days there are, it’s moments like this that show me I made the right choice, not just for me, but for him. So maybe love isn’t fair, but this? This is the greatest love of my life and I will take that every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Author’s footnote: This is based on my personal experience, all of the incidents in this fic happened to me. This was the hardest thing I have ever written. When I found Supernatural three years, I started to find myself again. The friends [family :)] I have made here have helped give me the strength I needed again.

Two weeks before the divorce papers were served, I got the two tattoos that I have been waiting for. I found strength in a little band with a funny name, deep lyrics and a strong, charismatic front man. 

The road is long and will be hard to navigate at times, but I know with the support of my friends and family, I am on the right path. I am the captain of my story. I close my eyes and let go of the hurt inside. I have the faith that the hurt will fade and I will be stronger and better for it.

To my readers: Please, please, if you find yourself in a similar situation, please seek assistance, call the police, get out.

To Rob, Billy, Stephen and Mike - thank you for the beautiful music you create. It does more than you know. 

The Whole Enchilada - join the fiesta: @sis-tafics  @holyfuckloueh @gh0stgurl @hobby27  @bethbabybaby @anspgene @paintrider13-blog @cyrilconnelly @chelsea072498 @just-another-busy-fangirl @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @d-s-winchester @roxyspearing @heyitscam99 @iwantthedean @jpadjackles @mogaruke @smoothdogsgirl @x-waywardaf-x @myoutletforfanfiction @growningupgeek @spnbaby-67 @wonderange @emoryhemsworth @crispychrissy @impalaimagining @feelmyroarrrr @docharleythegeekqueen @katymacsupernatural @hennessy0274-blog @esoltis280 @shaelyn102 @rockhoochie @charliebradbury1104 @pinknerdpanda @hannahindie @wingedcatninja​ @highfunctioning-sociopath @speakinvain @evansrogerskitten @percussiongirl2017​ @blacktithe7​ @winchesterprincessbride​ @theoriginalvicki​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @sweetpeamoose​ @mamaredd123​ @sandlee44​ @mottergirl99​ @meeshw777​ @squirrel-moose-winchester​ @milkymilky-cocopuff​ @meganwinchester1999​ @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester​ @grace-for-sale​ @4401lnc​  @countrygal17a​ @tina8009​ @andkatiethings​ @nanie5​ @jbbarnesgirl @monkeymcpoopoo​ 

The Dean’s List: @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @supernatural-jackles @trunk-full-of-ideas @kayteonline @ruprecht0420 @kathaswings @bringmesomepie56 @deandoesthingstome @starry-chaos  @dean-winchesters-bacon @pisces-cutie​

Chuck’s List: @natasha-cole @ellen-reincarnated1967 @a-queen-and-her-throne @shanghai88

[ml-daimla]

Sun Rises Over the Desert by Chloe Saavigne

Oasis Springs welcomes a new resident adding to the ever growing list of moneyed Sims who are choosing to build a home over this golden arid expanse. Who else can afford to do so but the wealthy for taming this wilderness needs money, lots of money. The monthly expense to maintain the airconditioning alone is enough to buy a sports car. Truly it has become the playground of New Simsland’s affluent families.

Stefany Nicole Tan-Shui Callopalanca hails from the Nippoi-Tan-Shui clan, owner of the Valhalla Sun group of companies and well known for their luxurious developments all over the country from condominiums and hotels to restaurants. HOMME magazine is fortunate to be invited inside the home of one of high society’s most influential woman.

“We were actually about to purchase a house in Willow Creek, however my bestfriend Selena [Landgraab] advised us to buy this lot instead which was previously a huge park turned into a residential area by the Landgraabs”, Stefany cheerfully recalls. “Houses in Willow Creek are lovely however a bit old-fashioned for my taste. This neighborhood on the other hand with its grand modern houses fits me more plus I get to live quite near Selena so what more can I ask for. It just felt right.” Stefany has always been regarded as a go-getter thus it is no wonder that she follows the same mind-set when it comes to choosing her house. “My husband has given me the freedom to plan and to decide what I want for the house. He is a firm believer of the saying, ‘Happy wife, happy life’ I guess” and she lets out another heartful laugh. She married Senator Bernard Callopalanca, from the Madrigal-Callopalanca political clan eight years ago. He is the eldest Son of Windenburg mayor Philippe Callopalanca. Their love story actually began when Stefany was helming the construction of the Grand Amaterasu along the Windenburg Bay. In one of her courtesy visits to Mayor Philippe she met Bernard, who back then was just his father’s apprentice; and as Stefany puts it, “it was love at first sight”. Now they have three children, all boys- Darian (their eldest), Emmanuel and Josiah (her youngest).

When they got married, a lot of Sims were surprised that she opted for a small private wedding given both their families’ stature. Stefany explains, “the original plan was to have four lavish events sponsored by both our families but as the preparations were carried out, it honestly felt suffocating. And I for one have always liked to do things my way. Thus two or three months before the wedding, I respectfully spoke to both our families and told them that I wanted something intimate. And they know me. They know that arguing with me is pointless because in the end I do what I want to do. And besides I am the bride. This is the same wisdom that I share to soon to be brides, that they should know what they want and voice it. It is every girl’s dream so why let others decide your wedding for you. You only get married once. I immediately contacted my favorite designer Vivi [Vivian Fenton], who was initially tasked to create a fairytale wedding gown- big and fluffy. I told her that I wanted something very simple instead. It was the first thing that I needed to ensure was done right before anything else because I am going to wear it. Vivi was kind enough to redo the gown that we initially commissioned and in less than 2 months she was able to create a sleek ivory gown with an intricate lacework at the back. “ A fashion icon even in her younger years, her wedding gown became an overnight sensation with a lot of brides and couturiers back then copying the same design. "I chose the Medieval Champ Les Sims St. Simian Cathedral because of its elegance and beauty. Although I see myself and my taste as very modern, there are certain traditions that I still hold dear. Lastly given the sudden change in plans, Selena took care of the reception, it was actually her gift to me. I don’t know what I’ll do without her” Stefany adds. “The wedding was perfect. It was not as big and grandoise as everyone anticipated but it was just perfect. We were surrounded by family and friends, and me marrying the man I love. No hassle. No stress. Just simply a day to celebrate love.”

We then ask her if she misses her corporate life. “I decided to leave our business four years ago. It was a tough decision but something that I know I must do. I just gave birth to Emmanuel that time and I realized that I was missing a lot because of what I do. I mean it’s not as if I really needed to work but I was really workaholic back then and given the nature of our business I was spending a lot of time in our various projects rather than being a mother. I spoke to Bernard about it and he couldn’t agree more for it was at that point in time as well that he was running for national elections. He became a senator soon after. But I do miss it. Who would’ve thought. I initially took Fashion Design, specializing on Jewelry making, because the idea of me working for our family’s real estate development business was far from what I envisioned I would do with my life. My father, clever as he is, asked me to help design the interiors of the Valhalla Sun Hotel because he wanted the hotel to be a cross between a traditional hotel and a fashion showroom…and I just fell in love with our business from then on. I shifted to Interior Design and after graduation I took over our company’s Home & Commercial projects. After 5 years, I was managing all of our company’s Hotel and Restaurant projects until my hiatus. From time to time I still do consultancy work and visit the sites; but our family has employed the best of the best and I have full trust in them.” Asked if she ever plans to return she smiled and said, “Yes! Looking forward to it. I have a few projects already in mind but it will have to wait until Josiah gets a bit older. But for now I am enjoying every bit of motherhood. It is hard at times, imagine three boys plus my husband,” laughs. “…but I love them all. I have found my true happiness in them. I am enjoying my time as the senator’s wife as well and as the National Director of our family’s charity group, No Sims Left Behind. Helping the less fortunate is something which means a lot to us. This is our way of giving back”.

On her most favorite part of the house, she immediately answered, “My garden on the roof! Gardening relaxes me. And I love flowers. There are actually five gardens in this house, one of which is private and can only be accessed through our bedroom. I call it my secret garden. It is a small zen garden where I love to do my daily meditation. For my birthday this year, my husband built a greenhouse for me. This is where I now grow my prized roses and orchids. Actually, we used to have seven gardens, two in front of the house. However after the renovation these were removed and in its place my husband built an additional wing where you will now find the media room in the first floor and a ballroom at the second floor. These were added in preparation for the upcoming national elections. You know what it’s like every campaign period, the house is abuzz with meetings and press briefings and this is the primary reason why we needed the additional space. Also, it is to ensure that even if our family is always in the public eye; we are still able to maintain some form of privacy. Privacy is the price we have to pay for what we have. But as his [Bernard’s] wife, I completely understand. Our house has actually begun to become an integral part of his career. This is no longer just a house for our family.” On the possibility of becoming the next First Lady of New Simsland Stefany quipped, “If my husband wins the presidency, ask me the question again. But for now, well that is still a year and a half away”, then laughs. “I don’t want to assume or plan ahead. If it is meant to happen it will happen. My husband is a remarkable public servant and I have confidence that the people see that.”

First Lady or not, we know that Stefany will do great things ahead. It is no wonder that she has become such an inspiration for a lot of Sims for she is a unique combination of wit, beauty, humor, creativity, decisiveness and business-acumen.

[unwrittenambition]

A Survivor’s Guide to Year 12 (It’s not that bad)

It’s getting to that time of year where we’re all heading back to school, and if you’re anything like me, you might be a bit panicked and uncertain about your future in sixth form. Since I’m going into Year 13  this September, I’ve learnt a lot about how to tackle it and thought I’d give you Year 12′s some advice. I’ve got a few regrets, and wish somebody had told me these things when I was starting Sixth Form, don't forget to message me any questions/thoughts about the new academic year and I’d love to chat!

1. Don’t commit to a subject you don’t like.

Trust me, I say this from experience. I took on 4 A-levels at the start of Year 12 whilst everybody else did 3 – I thought the extra subject would help me when it came to university applications later, but two weeks into A-level History I decided to drop it. If you, like me, are considering taking a subject just because it’d look good, or for any reason other than your genuine love and interest in it, seriously consider changing it before it’s too late. Most sixth-formers now have to commit to their subjects for 2 years (not just 1), and if it’s going to be a struggle to you, or cause you to neglect your other studies, I would recommend seriously rethinking that decision. I’m happier and more successful now studying 3 A-levels than I could’ve been if I’d committed to a subject I can’t stand.

2. Use Folders!

My biggest regret was not using folders from the very beginning, and not keeping on top of them once I’d switched from notebooks to folders. You need to have them well-organised and easy to navigate – don’t leave all your loose papers in a stack ‘for later’ when you get home. I did this throughout Year 12 and rarely found what I wanted when I needed it, now that it’s summer I’ve spent literal hours sorting through a mountain of paperwork, trying to decide which topic or exam each page belongs to, and I’m still not even half-finished. (If you want to see a guide on how to organise your folders, let me know and I can make a post on it!).

3. Read!

If you know certain books/materials which you’ll be covering in sixth form, read them in the summer to get familiar with it, develop a basic understanding, and find a way to get enthusiastic about your classes even before starting. If you’ve not been told what books to get, I would really recommend e-mailing your teachers and asking. This is how I’ve built my collection of further reading for my subjects which few other students will have knowledge of; an easy way to form developed, educated responses in exams. Admittedly, some books are tough, I’ve got a few which I’ve not finished, but I’ve adapted a method to overcome this, which I might share soon.

4. Expect lower grades than you’re used to.

You’re used to working at a certain standard at GCSE level, you know what grades are normal for you, but don’t be downhearted when you don’t do as well as you’re used to. A-levels are assessed in a completely different way to GCSE’s and the content and style is usually all new. Expect to get a couple of grades below your standard in your first assessment, but don’t let it discourage you. It’s completely normal and I found it to be a great motivator once I got to grips with it. If you really work hard, listen and put in the extra effort, your grades should start rising within the first couple of months, and then beyond that you can get A’s at the end of the year if you work hard. Trust me. It might seem impossible, but it really isn’t, you don’t have to be a genius either, you just need to have a committed work ethic and that’s all.

5. Use your free periods!

Teachers will tell you all the time to use your study periods well, to make the most of them. If other sixth forms are anything like mine, most people will ignore this and waste every free period socialising and relaxing. I understand that this works better for some people, who prefer to work at home, but I believe the most productive students work in some way or another during at least 90% of their free periods. I always get my work done at school, and then do extras at home, leaving most of my time away from school properly free to relax in. You don’t genuinely relax well if you’ve got a to-do list hanging in the back of your mind, so get it out the way and make the most of your down time later by freeing yourself from stress.

6. Know how, when and where you work best.

I’ve done a lot of quizzes. They’re not worth it. Reflect on what you found genuinely useful in GCSE, and carry it along to sixth form. Decide how when and where you work best now, so you can get started without wasting time. For reference, here’s my list of how, when and where I work best:

HOW: Flash cards for summaries of theories, attaching quotes to themes. Essay plans and practice questions! These are my go to – they take a lot of work but seem to be the most valuable, especially once I feel I’ve got the information down. Listening to instrumental music to help me focus/be creative. I cannot work in my pyjamas. I know it’s weird and seemingly irrelevant but I supposed it is part of how I study, I like to feel clean and fresh and ready for anything.

WHEN: During typical working hours (8:00-15:00), or in the evening (20:00-23:00). I feel I better tackle academic and focused work during the day, like essays, notes and revision, but creative or leisurely work like reading, analysing and coursework can be done in the evenings. When I’m feeling disappointed in myself or afraid about my academic future, I work like mad, and this is honestly the best time to get started on exam rewrites, because you can lose motivation quickly.

WHERE: At school, or in a public library, it doesn’t matter whether it’s loud or quiet, busy or peaceful, but I usually work around friends who are just having casual conversations. If it’s late and I’m doing creative work, I like to work in my bedroom or my living room (wherever my family aren’t).

7. Revise as you learn.

I made flash cards for the topics we covered at the end of every term, and in the holidays I go over them and fill in any gaps using the textbook or my personal notes. When it comes to exam season, you won’t have much time to be making revision materials, you need to be using them and refining the finer points like your exam technique. You can’t hope to start revising a month or two before your exams. It won’t work as well, and you’d be missing out on the chance to achieve the real top tier grades by not having the information already memorised (for the most part). One month before the exam, the ideal position to be in for revision is revising quotes/extra context, and revising exam technique. Practice questions will become your life, and don’t be afraid to give you teachers extra work to mark. They might not like it, but you need to make the most of the resources around you.

8. It’s actually quite fun.

Now hear me out – you’re probably getting a lot of people telling you how difficult and stressful it’s going to be, but nobody bothered to tell me that Sixth Form/College actually has a lot of benefits. I would not go back to my GCSE’s now if I had the chance, despite how easy they seem to me in retrospect.

For the most part, you’re treated like an adult. You’re friends with your teachers. You’re given a lot more freedom, a fair amount of food and fun experiences. For the first time in my life I actually looked forward to assemblies. I’ve had long conversations with teachers about our favourite films. I’ve had more inside jokes than I can count. I’ve had random assignments which have me running around the school with friends, balancing on the tip of a chair to pin up boards, untangling Christmas lights like a gameshow team challenge. It’s really great. You have a lot of fun. So it’s important to prepare for the sheer amount of work and the difficulties of sixth form, sure, but don’t stop yourself from having fun, and appreciate the things you’ll have now that you’ve been denied for all of your education so far. It makes all the hard work worth it.

I am a bit of a nerd and I’m not afraid to admit that I love Sixth Form. I hope you enjoy your Year 12 as much as I did mine. Let me know how you’re feeling if you’re in year 12, or if you’re older let me know if there’s anything you think I missed!

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (by me)

WATSON.DE 22/10/19

https://www.watson.de/unterhaltung/interview/421417472-conchita-wurst-tom-neuwirth-rechnet-mit-esc-conchita-ab-hatte-keinen-spass?utm_source=main

Conchita Wurst gets rid of ESC-art figure: "I was unhappy"

Five years ago, Austrian Tom Neuwirth won the Eurovision Song Contest as Conchita Wurst. But the role of the eccentric diva with beard and wig did not fill him in the long run. Now he returns as a new art figure "Wurst" - with electric and brand new, male appearance. With ‘Watson’ he spoke about rebellion, crisis of meaning, thinking in drawers and finding and seeking personal freedom.

Watson: Tom, we know you as a conchita with a wavy wig and a floor-length dress. Why did you choose to show the public a "Wurst" page that we did not know before?

Conchita Wurst: I felt the need to evolve. Before that I moved too long in the same world for my circumstances. And by that I mean that I locked myself into a set of rules that reduced me to a color of my being. And I call this color the "President's wife".

President's wife?

A president's wife has a certain protocol and can not do many things. And through this years-long reduction of myself, I became unhappy. I understood that I need a challenge, something new. For years I was in the songwriting camp and I thank my record company that I was able to find out to be completely talent free in songwriting (laughs). And then I thought: why don’t I just do the music that I hear privately? And I love electronic music, I love Robyn and Björk. I have found a great team for the new album that understands me, my story and my vision. And although I did not write or compose the songs myself, it has become so much more authentic than much of what I've done before. Or closer to my life.

Did you have any concerns about taking a new path or did you care less about the opinions of others?

When it suddenly became clear what the details should look like, how each mosaic fits into the other, I no longer had the feeling that I had to think about it. I was really very egocentric (laughs). Of course, I'm happy about everyone who likes my music. But I understand that I just have to do more things for myself. Because it's my life - and that's so beautiful. And my manager always says: Only then is it better than perfect. So I'll just do it and throw one dart at a time. We will see which one gets stuck.

Is there a song that has a lot of heart and soul?

I can not commit myself to one. Many songs deal with a specific time in my life. I deliberately refrained from explaining the meaning of each in detail. For the people who hear the music, I do not want to force a picture on them. It's like having read a book and then watching the movie. Then your own world is suddenly gone. That's why I hold myself back and do not say that's what it's about and the other's about that. Because once the child is born, it's not just me anymore and I accept that. But let's put it this way: Every song is intense.

What is the basic message of your songs, like the very striking "hit me"? Do not let anyone restrict you?

Absolutely. Nobody has the right to decide about your life. And that's the point. And yes, many messages are similar to those that were important to me five years ago. By now it may have become a bit more concrete and I am spreading it with more self-confidence.

Were you uncertain in places?

Everyone doubts. But I've stopped apologizing, in public and with my friends. With one caveat: I would apologize if I make mistakes, absolutely. And I do that too. But this album and this whole process has brought me so much closer to myself.

"I was in a situation where I realized I'm not feeling well anymore, I'm not enjoying what I'm doing."

And there is only one way out.

Which one did you choose?

I've worked hard with myself, started therapy, talked to my family and friends, and worked things that were years back and were never properly pronounced. And of course you do not just hear nice things.

And then to take that, to apologize, try to do better, but also to accept that you can not do everything well - that was very liberating.

In what way?

I always try my best - but in some ways I'm just a bit too brisk. And sometimes I'm just a bit too nice. And to realize that as a whole, has given me a whole new sense of security. Because I suddenly knew better where my range of motion lies - what am I sure of and what is not. And knowing that means incredible freedom and that helped me to be more confident. Not only in terms of the music, but also my appearance.

"I stopped wearing wigs, some said it was just marketing, so I just say, F ... you all, I'm still me."

And even if the name changes - at the end of the day it's always wurst (not important). Whether I am more feminine or masculine now, always this kind of thinking - I've stopped thinking about it.

An easy process?

Not at all. Because when I finished the album and it went to the videos, I have even operated drawer thinking. I was so anxious to be masculine. Now I think: There are no rules anymore.What has changed since your first album five years ago - and what has remained the same?

Of course, the sound has changed and also that I am now much more personal stories in my songs. The fire remained the same. Or let's put it this way: the fire has come back.

Was the flame extinguished?

I knew as a child: I'm a star. I did not care if anyone wants to hear that. And then I lost this self-evidence, I was uncertain for a long time. Now I know again: I am a star. But that's the only thing I can do (laughs). So I focus on it. And to have such a clear positioning and to say: I love myself incredibly, I think I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm talented - to be able to say, but at the same time to say - you are incredibly beautiful and it is so inspiring to listen to you. There is room for everything and everyone. I had to learn that first. This has nothing to do with arrogance, if you think yourself great. I find myself incredibly great - but I also find others incredibly great!

Did you arrive at the end of your journey to self-fulfillment?

No, that's not over yet. There are enough situations in which I manipulate myself and discover: I'm not myself, I'm not relaxed. But jealous, angry, impatient.

Are you pondering a lot?

No, but hello! I think I've improved, just living for the moment. Just after the song contest things came one after the other. And now just sitting here to tell you about me, I can enjoy that. I do not do anything better than talk about myself (laughs). But now I'm anchored here right now and have no stress at all. I could not have done that a few years ago.

What about your plans to film your autobiography?

Of course they are still standing. I also really want to do a musical. I mean, my story: The little boy from the mountains goes to the song contest with a wig - that's a story (laughs)! But the near future also brings a lot of great things. For example, I'm really looking forward to my performance on 2 November at "WUK" in Vienna. Only the cool kids are playing and I'm so happy to be allowed to perform with my band. I'm very curious what people say about "Wurst". And of course I am happy to go on tour again, also in Germany. And if all goes well, I'm still traveling a bit in Europe, that could be very exciting. And then comes a small TV show. So I have a lot to do.

Speaking of which, "Queen of Drag" will start on ProSieben on November 14th. Why did you want to be there?

These kind of requests came very early in my career. But the parameters never were for me. But in that case I could not refuse. I mean, Germany's biggest private station, Prime-Time, 8:15 pm. And the format will both entertain and touch. And I have never seen this range of entertainment, talent, humanity. We laughed and cried while filming. We had such a great time. And of course, I hope that's what the audience sees. And even if not - that was such a beautiful experience for me, nobody can take that from me.

What wishes do you have for you this year as Conchita, Wurst and Tom?

I wish I had at least as much fun as last year. I wish that I spend enough time with my family and friends and also have enough time with me. I want to be challenged and creative and just keep going like before. That would be great. No such bold wishes, or (laughs)?

Conchita or Tom? Wurst!

New album "Truth over Magnitude"

Tom Neuwirth released his debut album "Conchita" in 2015, which took first place in the Austrian album charts and was awarded Platinum. Also his second studio album "From Vienna With Love" achieved gold status in the release week. On October 25, the 30-year-old will be releasing an electric album for the first time with "Truth over Magnitude". From the 14th of November he will be looking for the "Queen of Drags" again as Conchita Wurst, alongside Heidi Klum and Bill Kaulitz on ProSieben.

[qrctrini]

                                              The Resilience of a People

Trinidad and Tobago became the first country in the world to declare a national holiday to commemorate the abolition of slavery on August 1st, 1985. Just a mere century and a half before this date our African ancestors living here were granted the legal right to be free men and women. So though we may go about the hustle and bustle of our daily lives without paying much thought to the freedom in which we have to associate and assemble, to speak, to move about and to our own overall self-determination, it is not something which we should take for granted. For our ancestors less than 2 centuries ago, our everyday life today would be considered a utopian fantasy. As I sit and reflect on this today as a man of African descent who’s been able to enjoy a measure of professional success, the life I lead today is never something that I take for granted; I stand here today a benefactor of the literal back-breaking work and unimaginable sacrifices of African men and women who toiled, struggled, resisted and died for their freedom and who helped to secure mine. Resilience is often a main theme that comes to mind when I reflect on my blackness and ancestry.  It’s simply impossible to speak about being emancipated without talking about being enslaved – and it is impossible to talk about being resilient without a consideration of what you have been able to survive. The brutality of slavery and the transatlantic slave trade lasted over 400 years. From as early as the turn of the fifteenth century enslaved Africans were taken from Western Africa and brought across the Atlantic in unimaginably inhumane conditions to the Caribbean and North America to work on the plantations of the European planter class. As many of us are aware, the Middle Passage was a horrendous ordeal for these Africans. They were crammed below decks in handcuffs and leg irons. For anywhere between six weeks to three months enslaved Africans were treated as human cargo and packed like sardines in closed quarters below deck without any washroom facilities. Such was the mental toll of these conditions that many threw themselves overboard – choosing to die at the hands of the sea over enduring the hellacious conditions on board. Those who survived the dreaded middle passage were rewarded with a lifetime of slavery and brutality which they were to receive once they reached the shores of the Caribbean. They were treated as human cargo aboard the ships that brought them to our shores and reduced to chattel slaves during a lifetime of barbarous servitude. Notably, even when emancipation of slavery was formally attained in 1838, it followed the failure of the British abolitionist to sway public opinion enough for slavery’s abolition. Thirty four years after the abolitionists’ most significant victory to secure the abolition of the slave trade, it was the economic imperative of choosing free trade and obtaining cheap access to beet root sugar over the sugar obtained from Caribbean slave labour which ultimately spurred on slavery’s abolition. In other words, the freeing of enslaved Africans did not end the dehumanization of African people.

So today when we speak about the resilience of a people we are celebrating much more than the termination of the previous legal practice of enslaving African people. We are celebrating the resilience of a people who were uprooted from their birthplace; a people who lost their right to determine the course of their own lives; a people who were brutalised and treated less than human and, even years after the abolition of slavery, were treated as second class citizens; a people, who despite all of these historical and generational hindrances have been able to rise from the mire to make groundbreaking and lasting contributions to humanity; a people who have indelibly left their mark on every continent worldwide and who have infused societies with their rich cultural heritage passed on through their impressive oral tradition. As pleased as I am to be able to reflect in a ‘free society’, perhaps I may not have been able to do so in the comfort of this well-lit room without the help of Lewis Latimer. Latiner invented the carbon filament for the light bulb. It’s also genuinely difficult to imagine a world without the artificial heart peacemaker, invented by African American inventor Otis Boykin, without mobile refrigeration invented by black inventor Fredrick Jones or without blood banks invented by black innovator Charles Richards Drew. These are but a limited few of the black inventors I’ve chosen to highlight. More recently, and closer to home, in 2010 Trinidad Afro-Trini inventor Dr. Ronald De Four invented and received a patent for the De Four Back EMF Space Vector Resolver. His invention introduced a cutting-edge commutation technique for brushless DC motors, which now allows the motor to be self-starting. It is having a resounding impact in the appliances, automotive, aerospace, consumer, medical, computer and industrial automation industries as its energy-efficient capability will reduce the atmospheric concentrations of carbon dioxide, a by-product of burning fossil fuel and the key greenhouse gas responsible for global warming. There are many African personalities that have, the world over, contributed to science and technology, the arts, literature, sport and entertainment. As we as Trinbagonians reflect during emancipation day celebrations, it is important for us to also recognise our Trinbagonian African Heritage as a whole. In spite of attempts to impose a Eurocentric value system on enslaved Africans, the resilience of our African descendants shine through to this day, as evident in the African influence in carnival, our music, dance, language, food fashion and arts and craft. Though the French introduced carnival to Trinidad, enslaved Africans transformed the way the festival was celebrated through cultural expressions which represented acts of rebellion and mocked the colonial powers. The Engungun festival of Nigeria is reminiscent of the revelry, pantomime, street parades, music and masking that are seen at carnival; the moko jumbie, devil portrayal and even hat worn by the midnight robber are quite similar to characters played during the Nigerian festival. African influence can be seen in several of the folk dances of T&T including the Bongo, Shango, Limbo and Kalinda or, as we would call it, stick-fighting. The resilience of our fathers manifested itself in their creativity. In addition to the transformation of the festival of carnival, enslaved Africans used the pittance of food that they were given, in combination with the little crops which they planted, to make innovations such as callaoo, coo coo and oil down. Today Caribbean cuisine is world renowned for its unique flavour and distinctive style. And of course, we all know about the head wrap or head tie which is one of the more obvious styles brought directly to Trinidad and Tobago from Africa. It warms my heart to see my social media feeds proliferated with pictures of stunning head wrap styles.

Today, as we commemorate and celebrate our emancipation, I think it important to note that resilience and self-awareness are not mutually exclusive – in fact, the former can be informed by and spur on more of the latter. Dr. Joy Degruy, following from years of historical and psychological research, outlines in her book, Post Traumatic Slave disorder, a set of behaviors, beliefs and actions associated with multi-generational trauma experienced by persons of African descent that include undiagnosed and untreated PostTraumatic Stress Disorder in enslaved Africans and their descendants. Professor Selwyn Ryan in discussing the sensitive topic of the challenges that are peculiar to different ethnic groups in Trinidad and Tobago has in times past used the phrase “none without social sin.” I believe that it is important to understand that our resilience can shine a light on a difficult past and lead the way to a brighter future. As we reflect on the contribution of African people and our African heritage let us endeavor to commit to take the time to always build up our communities – understanding our tumultuous past, taking time to heal as well as celebrate in the present and securing our future through the commitment to continue to be a resilient people that inspire each other to push for better, and to, in the spirit of our forefathers, fight for more – for our continued emancipation.

[capturedrook]

Getting Way Too Into An Online Astrology Reading

So I decided to check out a full astrology thing with the Chaos Astology site, and while I know a lot of it is purposefully vague so as to apply to everyone...It's super fun. Now, here's a really long post of me commenting on some of the stuff it said about me!

Firstly, it's worth acknowledging that I'm a Cancer Sun. So the baseline is emotional, maternal, homebody type stuff. Nourishing and moody and all that. Post is sorted by quotes that relate to each other rather than by planet or house or whatever.

Atmosphere

There was a lot of stuff about 'atmosphere' and 'imagination'.   "With the Sun placed in Cancer, you are very good at creating the receptive atmosphere and nurturing climate necessary for desires to grow and flourish." - From Sun in Cancer Well, I've kind of heard that my whole life. I think most people hear a lot of stuff about their sun sign growing up. I wonder how much that informs the way they act, knowing what's expected of them because of something like that? "A born creator of atmosphere, especially when it comes to the home and domestic surroundings." - From Moon Trine Neptune Cancer Suns are supposed to like, super love being home (and I do) so I guess that's fair enough...But doesn't everything kind of make atmosphere? Even no atmosphere or a clusterfuck is its own kind of atmosphere.   "You have real vision and insight into the unity that ties this world together. Your brilliant imagination and enchanting manner transport all who meet you beyond the mundane and into the extraordinary regions where you spend a lot of your time. You are a seer, in the true sense of the word, and possess a waking experience of that part of us that is mystical and dreamlike. You find new ways to bring people together, to unify situations. Unusual music." - From Uranus Conjunct Neptune What a fuckin' swerve at the end there. Unity, brilliant, enchanting, transport, extraordinary, seer, mystical, but your taste in music is weird. "You tend to radiate a dream-like quality that draws others to you. You are also highly receptive to environmental influences and to other people. More positively, you have a keen imagination, intuitive and creative gifts, coupled with the power of inspiration." - From Neptune in the 1st House Again with the 'dream-like' stuff. You know what else "radiates a dream-like quality"? Head trauma. Sleepiness. Brain fog. Some medications. Any scene in a movie that has fog and trees. The room where you fight Dark Link. Music by "In Love With a Ghost" (especially "Flowers"). Rainy, sleepy days with blankets. Afternoon burn-out from an overproductive morning. Metronomes, sometimes? "A built-in sense of what the public wants and the ability to come up with just the right image." -  From Moon Trine Neptune "You have great insights into what motivates the public, crowds, and the mind in general." - From Uranus Sextile Pluto I do?! That would be really handy, if it were true. "Yours is a lightning wit. You somehow know everything about everybody."  From Mercury in Gemini Apparently I don't, since I didn't know that about me. Checkmate.

Intensity

There was also a LOT of stuff about me being, uh, intense. I did say there was a lot of 'imagination' type stuff but the amount of messages that had 'intense' in it or similar ideas is...Intense. Hm.

"You are a hard worker; however, you need to pace yourself well in order to avoid stress-related illnesses." -  From Mercury in the 6th House Okay, that's not so bad. I know that's a problem I have and I can deal with it. That's fine.

"Ambitions are backed-up by the will to get things done, but can be very driven to the point of being too aggressive." -  From Sun Semisquare Mars Yeah, all right. I've also been told that from being a Slytherin...But I never really seem to get anything done, now do I?

"Comes on strong and tends to intimidate."  From Sun Sesquiquadrate Pluto (That's absurdly specfic) Especially when I'm excited. I try to keep a cap on it but when I get happy or excited about a New Thing, I tend to get loud and energetic. I also stand up during difficult fights in video games. "Not afraid of a good confrontation. This intensity puts self and others through a lot of changes." I am *very* afraid of a good confrontation, thank you very much! I don't even like going to the grocery store if there's too many people. Or talking to doctors. Or making phone calls.

"Big heart, big love, you are seldom petty. Given to grand gestures and dramatic scenes, you love freedom and greatness of feeling in your relationships."  -  From Venus in Leo This explains how dramatic absolutely all of my characters are but yeah, that can definitely come across as intense.

"Your drive to innovate, invent, and find new ways to use things is both well coordinated and intense." -  From Mars Trine Uranus  Intense again.

"You have a relentless drive to get at the heart of things, whatever is under the surface or behind the scenes. Your relentless pursuit of anything hidden or secret makes you a researcher or investigator bar none. Emotionally you are also hot stuff, rushing into areas and handling subject matter that others would never come near. Vulnerable issues, sensitive areas of the self, and psychology are the first places you head. This amounts to a passion with you. Those around you may find you just too intense to be around." -  From Mars opposite Pluto  More intense! Does this add or multiply?!

"You can work with sensitive and vulnerable psychological areas without batting an eye, and would be good at instructing others in these areas. Your keen mind and great analytical powers always manage to get at whatever motivation is beyond apparent behavior. You can see what is behind touchy and very personal matters." -  From Uranus Sextile Pluto For all that I'm making jokes about this, this kind of is a problem that I have. I tend to just cut right into it with total strangers and most people...Don't want that. But then some of them do and seek it out themselves, and so I end up spending my lunch break at work talking someone through trauma from her childhood and we're both happier for it, and I'm still proud that I got to help someone. That shouldn't take precedence over the fact that it makes people uncomfortable, though; I need to take care to slow down, check signals, and start with just...Being chill. I need to chill.

"You work with real imagination and understanding in areas of the mind that are the most personal or private -- depth psychology. You are like a midwife of the spirit, assisting at the birth of each individual going through a spiritual or re-birth process. You accept the natural process of birth, spiritual and physical, and have dedicated yourself to helping it along. You would make a great teacher in these areas." -  From Neptune Sextile Pluto  That isn't chilling, and "Midwife of the spirit" is both a very cool and very unsettling phrase.

"An in-fighter, with animal-like instincts, you love being where the action is most intense. Your penetrating mind gets through the B.S. and straight to the bottom line." -  From Jupiter in Scorpio  1. No, I don't like intensity! I get anxious! Bad! 2. Again, with the cutting to the core stuff. This is getting absurd.

"When you do enact a change, it is always at the deepest or core level and affects everything else in your life." -  From Saturn Semisquare Uranus  I think a core might have done something to me in a previous life because apparently I'm hunting them down systematically.

"You tear through appearances in an effort to get beneath, behind, and at the heart or essence. You may find psychology, initiation, mysticism and the occult of great interest. Intense personal change and inner growth are lifelong habits." -  From Pluto in Scorpio See?? But really, the occult and mysticism are both pretty interesting to me, obviously, since I'm reading this to begin with.

"Scorpio is intense, passionate, and very personal. It rushes past superficialities and right to the heart of any matter." "Scorpio loves to get involved, going down deeper, coming up dirtier, and laying bare anything that lies hidden there." -  From Scorpio on the 11th House Cusp How many things do this? I know 'intense' is a pretty vague direction for it to take but this is getting to be a really crazy amount of the same thing being said at me over and over. Can someone else do theirs and let me know how often it uses the word 'intense'? Maybe the writer just didn't have a thesaurus. Or had a list of buzzwords.

"Sagittarius is nothing if not direct, candid, and to the point, for this sign is always concerned with the absolute truth of the subject at hand." -  From Sagittarius on the 12th House Cusp   Is there such a thing as absolute truth, though? Truth is relative. 

"You value personal contact, cutting through all the externals and getting to the heart of things. You understand and appreciate vulnerability and have no compunction about presenting your own sensitive spots to others. You enjoy working behind the scenes, getting at secret and hidden areas of the mind and psyche. Changes and transformative experiences are where you like to be most.” - From Venus Square Pluto I do actually really dislike small talk and love when people just act like we've known each other for years already. Show up and talk to me about some personal shit. Tell me if you want me to just listen, advise, or comfort. Tell me how you feel about dreams and space and stuff. Talk about how much you've changed since you were in school, and how that makes you feel.

"You have an inner need for communication of all kinds and may have too many irons in the fire at times. You can be all over the place, always trying to make one more connection. Speaking and writing are natural interests."  - From Mars in Gemini Shhhhh. Let me have my irons. It's a very big forge, it'll be fine.

Philosophy

"Outlook is mainly philosophical, optimistic and content. " -  From Sun Trine Jupiter If you have to tell someone they're content...

"You also have a great interest in ideas, the more true and lasting the better. Philosophical concepts will be a lifelong concern for you. " -  From Mercury Trine Jupiter Gee, that doesn't sound fun. Can we not do that?

"You may fear the deeper, mystical side of life and need to give more freely of both your time and understanding, for you will find that giving out to others in this way helps to lessen your own burdens." -  From Saturn in Pisces ...What did I *just* say?

Misc:

"Restless. Good memory and strong powers of recall." -  From Moon Semisquare Mercury Maybe long-term; I can remember the pattern on the fabric inside my baby swing looked like. Short-term, I'm not even sure what I ate today, let alone for breakfast yesterday.

”You are well suited to dealing with the public and could enjoy professional success in personnel work, sales, the arts, entertainment industry, or the counseling fields.” - From Venus in the 7th House

The Seventh House: "The seventh house, the descendant - opposite of the ascendant - is connected with partnerships, relationships and 'significant others'. Here is where we learn to strike a balance - the art of give and take." Oh, okay. I wonder how mine contradicts with- Cancer on the 7th House Cusp “Cancer is the mother of the zodiac, always making a home, protecting and providing a foundation for others. A sensitive sign where feelings and real experience count more than cold logic, it doesn't get any more physical and emotional than this." I have doubled down, repeat, DOUBLED DOWN on feelings. "You have stable emotions and tend to form strong attachments to the past, perhaps to the extent of making you resistant to change." - From Moon in Taurus Does this lessen the other stuff? Are we bad to a x1 emotional multiplier instead of a x2? "Capricorn is the business head of the zodiac, for it is the very opposite of the emotional Cancer."  -  From Capricorn on the 1st House Cusp Is that...Is that bad for a Cancer Sun? Am I gonna split in half? Or, wait. Does that even it out to a 0 because of the Taurus thing?

"Magnificent willpower. " - From  Sun Sesquiquadrate Pluto Roll to disbelieve. Also, can we acknowledge what ‘ Sesquiquadrate’ means? “An aspect in which two planets are separated by an angle of 135 degrees.”  It’s like the pose in Bloodborne where you show the Great Ones you do, in fact, understand math.  “-however, you may need to guard against dictatorial inclinations, as these will cause unfavorable reactions in others.” - From Pluto in 10th House I may need to WHAT "A special gift for spanning generation gaps; bringing older and younger spirits together."   - From Sun Sextile Moon I know what this actually means, but I love the idea of it implying I’m some kind of ghost relationship expert. 

Blatantly wrong, so wrong it offends me:

"You are very interested in tradition and tend to be dignified and conservative. You believe in an orderly society led by benevolent monarchs - those who can see what to do." - From Neptune in Capricorn No??? That sounds HORRIBLE. What?! Tradition is stupid, dignity is overrated, I am never conservative about anything, an orderly society is how people lose their spark, and monarchies are the worst decision you could make. Okay? Okay. "Voluptuousness and eroticism are implied." - From  Moon Square Venus I'm 5'3" and 100lb, how "voluptuous" do you think I can be?? "An optimistic and charming nature; this is a very favourable feminine combination." - From Moon Square Venus This is just flat-out gross.

And then I reopened the page to check something, and now it says the Sun is in the 6th House, not the Seventh. Is this checking where it is now, not where it was when I was born? Next I ought to use a different site and see if it says planets are in literally any of the same places this does.  EDIT: I went through and updated/removed the stuff that was out of whack. For some reason, sometimes it opened using one timezone and sometimes using another. I don’t know why. I changed it to only use info from the one with the accurate timezone. Disappointingly, none of the ones I really hate changed.  Anyway, that’s it! If anyone who actually knows anything about astrology wants to give their take on it or talk about this, let me know! It’s been...Something. 

[survivingthejungle]

Never Fade Away, part v

BEFORE WE BEGIN: some thoughts.

-im really stressing out bc we’re scheduling classes fr next year and i decided to take ap spanish a year earlier than i was planning n now i CANT TAKE ART MY FAVORITE CLASS WITH MY FAVORITE TEACHER AND FAVORITE ENVIRONMENT n i’ve got a feeling i’m going to fail it but its oaky i guess u kno wat ever

-my hair is hella soft and shiny rn its RL noice thx u morrocan argan oil conditioner

-my writing is getting shittier and shittier i apologize u guys deserve better. hOWever if you’ve got something in mind for me to write hit me up bc im on a block rn with this other request i’ve had for a while now and i need to get dat creativity flowin

-a terrible boy who aint worth my time is once again ruining my life, please send help i cant keep forgiving him and being the one who ends up apologizing when ive done nothing wrong ugh fuck me

-enjoy por favor

It turned out that the event that Jerome had been so looking forward to was a charity ball for Gotham’s Children’s Hospital. About three hours before it was scheduled to begin, you were once again handed over to Barbara and Tabitha to be dolled up again. “Make sure she looks perfect,” Jerome instructed, “But not like she stands out or anything. Can’t have those GCPD bozos trying to take her away from me.” The two women voiced their understanding and kicked him out of the room, but not before he winked at you as you sat on the other side. You were sitting in the same spot you had been in the first time the two women had used you as a life-sized barbie doll. Once they got started, the entire event of getting you ready for the gala went by in a flash. Barbara did your makeup again, however this time it was much less natural-looking. Your eyeshadow was a dark pink to light pink fade, and your cheekbones were lightly contoured. Tabitha was doing your hair again as well, instead this time she kept your hair down; from what you could see in the mirror she was going for a wavy style. The dress hanging on the closet door across the room was crushed pink velvet with spaghetti straps, straight, and ball gown length. Once your face and hair was to their liking, they had you put the dress on behind a divider.

“Hang on,” Barbara said, rummaging through a drawer on the other side of the divider. She handed you something over the top; when you took it you saw it was a black choker. “Wear that. I’ll get ginger in here so we can go.”

Seconds later, she reentered the room with Jerome, whose eyes were being covered by Barbara’s hand. You’d already stepped out from the divider. She let her hand fall and his eyes landed immediately on you. “Wow,” he said in a low voice, “You look absolutely stunning, babygirl. Spectacular.“

“Thank you,” you whispered. He walked over to you, taking your hands in his. He was considerably taller than you, even despite the fact that Barbara and Tabitha had given you a pair of strappy, matte, black heels.

“We can have so much fun when we get back.” He shot his signature evil grin at you, before leading you out the door. ‘Absolutely not,’ you thought to yourself. ‘We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.’ The car ride to the event was relatively civil. You didn’t talk, which wasn’t unusual, and as much as you pushed yourself into the car door to keep distance, Jerome still managed to keep a hand on your leg the whole time. You couldn’t let it distract you, however. You were too busy formulating an escape plan in your head. ‘How will I get away from them all? Do I go straight to the police right after, do I lay low for a while instead?’

The events of the night must’ve been entertaining, you were sure, but you were too busy looking around every two seconds in search of an escape route. While Jerome and Barbera were preparing their act backstage, you were kept by Tabitha’s side the whole time. The only thing keeping you from running at every chance was the expertly hidden pocket knife she kept at your side all night. You kept silently praying someone in the crowd would recognize you and say something, but then, what would that’ve meant for the knife at your side? Escaping wasn’t going to be easy, but you would be damned if you knew you had let the opportunity for freedom pass because of a piece of metal with a point. Before the show started, Tabitha had dragged you along with her to a dark corner in an unoccupied hallway. She stood facing you and moved the pocketknife away. “Listen,” she started, “I don’t want to have to keep you locked up after tonight. Theo has something planned tonight, and I want to help you get away when it’s all over.”

Your jaw just about dropped to the floor. You were dumbstruck! “I- I don’t understand…” you stammered.

“Look, just- just hear me out.” You nodded. “If I let you escape, you have to promise you won’t tell the cops about the rest of us. Just tell them that when Jerome had you, he was alone. No accomplices. No roommates. None of us. Just him. The police tells the news what you told them, and you’ll be fine. Theo won’t try to come after you if he thinks you got him off the hook. Got it?”

“Yes.”

“Good. You’re a good kid, (y/n). You deserve to move past all this. You didn’t deserve any of it. So can I trust you not to run your mouth?”

“Of course. Thank you, Tabitha.” You meant it. You had no hard feelings towards her, or even Barbara for that matter. They were nice to you the whole time, what’s the difference if they were both a little whack? They weren’t the ones who kidnapped you or held you hostage. Tabitha was literally helping you escape. You would always be grateful for that.

She smiled. “I still have to keep this on you though,” she motioned to the knife. “For the sake of convincing Theo I’m not planning anything.” You could understand that. Once you reached your table. You did your best to hide your face from the rest of the crowd. You didn’t want someone spotting you now and ruining your whole plan, that would just end badly.

The events of the night flew by, up until when Jerome highjacked the magician’s bit and started killing people. Some in the crowd had escaped, but the majority of them, like you, were not as fortunate. Then, of course, there were the bits where GCPD detective, Jim Gordon, tried to intervene (if only for a minute or so), and when Jerome tried to kill Bruce Wayne, but none of that was as shocking as what happened next.

Theo Galavan, his mentor and leader, betrayed his trust and murdered him on the stage. You couldn’t help but react a bit shocked- despite what he had put you through, a stab to the throat seemed to be a very unleasant way to go. As soon as the knife was lodged in his neck and Barbara had escaped, everyone at the gala immediately fled, seemingly afraid that something worse was coming if they stayed there any longer. Tabitha did her best to guide you away from Theo’s view, pushing you into the crowd so you could blend in. You turned around and your sight of her was lost; maybe in order to help you gain some escape time against her brother.

When the cool, refreshing night air hit your face, you cried. You immediately started searching for the police when a strong hand came down on your shoulder. Your head snapped around to find the source, and you found yourself in front of a man wearing a GCPD badge. “Oh my God. (y/n) (y/ln)?” The man asked you.

As much as you had been crying before, you were full out sobbing now. “Yes,” you choked out, nodding your head. You weren’t sure how to respond to the situation at hand. Your captor was dead, you were free, standing next to one of the only people who had any control over the madness of that God-forsaken city, and you were alive. You barely knew what to say next, so you said the first thing you thought of. “I wanna go home,” you cried.

The ride back to the GCPD precinct was quiet, but you didn’t mind. The detective, who actually ended up being the infamous Jim Gordon, had given you a blanket before putting you in the car and calling your family to let them know that you’d been found, and you were alive and unharmed. Before being allowed to go back home, you had to be taken in to give an official statement. When you arrived, you had been given a change of clothes- a t-shirt and some sweatpants- and a big mug of coffee, your blanket still hanging around your shoulders. You were sat down on the other side of Gordon’s desk when the official recording started. “Just say what happened.”

“Um, well Jerome, he- I was walking home from school on the day that I was taken and he kidnapped me then- it was just him, I never saw anyone else. And he kept me locked up-he never did anything to me, just talked, but I think he must’ve had an obsession.”

Gordon interrupted. “Why do you say that?”

“He- he always kept talking about how he thought I was ‘his’ like he- like he owned me, or something… he liked pet names a lot. And then tonight, he brought me to the gala, he said he wanted to ‘show me off’, or something dumb like that. The only reason I didn’t run during was because he said if I tried anything, he’d kill my family, that he had them tied up somewhere. So I stayed where I was until that man killed him. Then I ran.”

He switched off the tape recorder. “Thanks for cooperating. Your family is on their way.” He stood up to go finish his work. “And, (y/n)-” he stopped to face you. “I’m really sorry about what happened to you. You seem like a good kid. You didn’t deserve any of that. I'll have one of the guys escort you and your family home. And-... I'd recommend group therapy... or something like that. To help you cope.”

“Thank you. For everything. And... I'm sure my parents will be on board with that. ”

The reunion with your family was full of tears and hugs. Your parents had bags under their eyes, they looked like that hadn’t slept in weeks. You embraced each other in the steps of the precinct, falling to your knees. You couldn't tell how long you all had been like that, but eventually you were led back to your home by one of the officers. The night was indescribably emotional and full of tears.

Your story was on the news for a week or so, and afterwards, it faded into the background. The only reason it was such a popular story was because of the fact that Jerome was involved. There were hundreds of kidnappings every week in Gotham, and most of them went unnoticed by the media. But they had a field day with you. Apparently during his raid of the GCPD, he mentioned how he was the one who had taken you, and that's why the police were in such a hurry to find you.

Your parents signed you into a hospital 3 weeks later. You had been mostly back to normal since you had been recovered, so they weren't expecting your sudden mental breakdown at all. The full weight of your trauma hadn't hit until then, and then suddenly it came crashing all at once. It started with you having random outbursts or crying here and there, but then your handle over the situation deteriorated. Next, you stopped eating. You couldn't risk it without being sick. Then, you stopped leaving your room. This went on for a few weeks until one day, you passed out on the stairs.

You had never really been a depressed kid before, so this was alarming to your family. Your time spent in theater had molded you into an extroverted, generally happy, and energetic person. When the light disappeared from your eyes and smile and were replaced by hollow, sunken cheeks and dark circles around your eyes, you all knew something was wrong. The doctors diagnosed PTSD and recommended 2 weeks in the hospital for your recovery.

You had lots of visitors, and that made you happy, but you could no longer express that happiness. You were put on mild medication, which helped, and you started feeling better as time went by. Most of your visitors were friends and family, but sometimes other people would come. Most of the time, they were Jerome fanatics. There must've been a cult of them or something, because every time it was a different person or group of people. They idolized him, and, by association, you. They saw Jerome as a messiah and you as his 'chosen one'. They always tried to get you to tell them about him, and at first you did.

"Well, he's... extravagant, for sure," you'd say. "He never hurt me, necessarily, but I mean, he killed people. He was a bad dude. I'm glad he's gone." This, of course, upset them. They were convinced he was just a rebel against authority and believed he could do no wrong, which is why you requested they stop being allowed to visit. This didn't mean the cult stopped keeping tabs on you, however. It just meant they had to keep their distance in order to keep you in their plans to resurrect Jerome and reunite him with you.

-THat was a shit cut off point i know and i'm sorry, im just tired and this took a long time

-j man will be back in the next installment of this series so don't worry ya lil brains

-PLEASE REQUEST STFF IM SO BORED AND NEVER BUSY AT ALL AND I NEED TO START BEING CREATIVE AND WRITING AGAIN

-my art class sketchbook is looking killer im so proud of her she's beautiful and if u want to see any of the works in here let me know i want to share ehr with you all

-my depression has been pretty subsided lately and that makes me super happy!! i mean like i still never do shit anyways but like at least im starting to be less sad about it i guess

WELL THERE U HAVE IT THATS AL L FOR TONIGHT FRIENDS