#... can you tell it causes me immense dysphoria

[twobellsilence]

Personal 👇

So I haven't had shark week in more than a month. My skin is going crazy, I assume because of hormones. My lower back pain has increased exponentially. Could this be it chat? Could I finally have developed *something* that could potentially get my uterus removed / cauterized? Will 2025 be my year?!?!

[samlizzy71]

Can I be honest? I like your art, I think it's really cute and pretty, but I also hate it because it makes me drown in envy and self-loathing. I'm a trans lesbian who would really like to be in a relationship, but I just can't seem to make it happen. I'm Avelyn looking for my Elizabeth, but it feels impossible. I'm introverted, clocky and socially awkward, so why would anyone, especially cis lesbians who probably have plenty of better options, ever want to date me?

I'm not really sure how to reply to this, and I'm sorry I can't tell you anything to make you feel better other than... Who knows? Just like Avelyn, who thought no one would ever love her, you may find your Elizabeth someday. Avelyn is introverted and socially awkward, and Elizabeth thought she was a boy when they met, but in the end, they are immensely happy, and it's not something that just happens in fiction. A lot of people have sent me messages telling me about how the story of Lizzy and Lynn is so much like the one they had with their partner with whom they share a life now, and I can't help but feel immensely happy for them, and it shows it can happen, it's possible. So, who knows? ^^ Maybe you'll find your Elizabeth someday, and I wholeheartedly hope you do. Not everyone is looking for looks or an extrovert x) You just need to meet the right person, and it happens when you least expect it. Also, I understand the envy x) I feel a lot of envy myself when I see people who had the chance to transition at an early age or perfectly pass, I even feel envy of my own OCs x) and yet they are my way of coping with the depression my dysphoria and experiences have caused me. Still, I want to see others be happy and have all the things I wish I could have. You can feel happy for others when you see them smile, and you can feel sad at the same time while wishing you could smile as much as them, and maybe that's what should motivate us to try to make the world a bit better, not only for ourselves but for others, to be the person we wish we had in our lives. Maybe we didn't have some chances, but, why not give them to others? After all, sometimes the people who have suffered the most because of something are the ones who will do anything so others don't have to go through the same. Avelyns are looking for their Elizabeths, but sometimes we can be an Elizabeth in another Avelyn's life, and I don't mean romantically or anything, but just, being kind and helping each other. Things will get better.

[ruepellie]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[irbcallmefynn]

Okay this is a very hard post for me to make but i feel like i have to make it. I can't be quiet about this any more. I can't keep saying it where nobody will see it because i need people to see it. If the friends of anyone mentioned in this post want to send it their way, feel free. This is not a call-out post. This is an apology, and an ask for explanation.

I want to preface what I'm about to say with: I'm not mad at anyone mentioned in this post. I don't think anybody in The Creachures is. We all miss you and wish things could've worked out. I'm sorry if what I say comes off as hostile or aggressive, I'm not great at wording this sort of thing, and it's coming from a place of much emotion.

@hexedbug @juneibyou @xxthunderthedragon @bobisnotaperson @razzytism

You five have caused me a lot of stress and anxiety in not telling me what i did to hurt you. You haven't given me the opportunity to improve upon myself or correct these transgressions, or even apologize to you. I'm sure you're all at least somewhat aware of how I handle feelings like this, and I understand you not wanting to pander to me or hurt yourself by putting up with me and my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. But you all let me down very harshly, and I've been unable to move past what happened because of it. You've made being on Tumblr miserable, to the point you're making me consider quitting Tumblr, because being on here and seeing you constantly and feeling that sense of hatred hurts, especially when you're being closer to my friends than they are with me. I've been told you don't hate me, but it's hard to believe and accept that when, in my head, you've all decided to block me for unknown reasons, and denied me the ability to apologize.

Hexed. I understand you find what I post about weird. And I understand I was interacting with people who "dragged the server down". You're the one I understand the reasoning of the most. Not following me back because you don't like my posts is fine, though you could've just blocked tags/post content about that stuff. If I was tagging things improperly you should've told me so I could correct it, instead of letting it sit inside you until you couldn't handle it. I get I was encouraging people to vent in Tau Heximus 2, something you didn't want. But again, you should have said something, or done something. I contributed to making your server a place you didn't enjoy. I feel like you wanted both a strictly positive place, and a place where people can be honest and close, two things that don't mesh. I chose the one that I enjoyed more, a close, honest community. I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

June. When you left the server, you said that "Bug Squad" were real ones, and that you still liked us. You then went on to call us and our friends Delusional for starting a new server after the old server's death. That hurt immensely. I understand you were in an emotional place, but using a word like that is not acceptable. You also went to my girlfriend's private vent blog to target it directly. You're the only one I ever blocked, because you were being actively hateful, and betrayed my trust directly. I have since unblocked you, though, because I'm not mad at you, not anymore. You were trying to cope with what happened, and I get it. I just wish you handled things more gracefully and politely. I'm sorry for whatever I did to hurt you, besides joining a new server. Just, please, work on your emotional control some, so outbursts like this don't happen again.

Thunder. You're the one I miss the most. I felt so close to you. You almost felt like a brother to me. But the way you've been avoiding bringing up what I did to hurt you makes me feel like you either don't want me to know what i did, or don't know what I did yourself. I just wish you'd be more open to talking, so we can work things out. I'm so sorry for hurting you.

Bobbu. I thought we were still friends when you invited me to join Art and Slimes. I turned it down because I don't think I could handle a server of that size, and had already joined the new server. While we maybe weren't as close as some of the others, I still considered you a friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did.

Raz. I am so, so sorry for everything that happened. TH2 was the only place that you had found comfort and support in to such a degree, and I've been worried about how you've been without that support. I feel like you used to trust me a lot, enough to confide in me about some of your issues. I wish I knew what I did to betray that trust.

There's three others I wish to bring up that haven't hurt me as bad, but I still wish to say something to.

Mars, I'm glad we're still friends. But it feels like you're less a part of Bug Squad than you are Hexed and June's friend group. I'm always worried about the state of our friendship, since you interact with them so much more than Me, Rico, and Tetra. I just feel excluded and neglected, is all. I'm sorry.

Yaza, I don't know how to feel about you. You're clearly more of June and Hexed's friend than mine. Clearly you don't like the new server because we kept bringing this stuff up in the early days, and I'm so sorry for that. I just wish we could still be friends. Because right now it doesn't feel like you want to be my friend.

Eblu. I don't know what to think of you. You're a good guy, really. But when you say you're my friend and then turn around a few days later and say "if you're friends with [close friend of mine] don't interact with me" I have issues with that. Deciding that everyone who's friends with someone is now bad because they made a mistake is not okay. Yes, it was bad that it happened. Yes, that friend should've been more careful. You are valid for being upset by what you saw. But you don't have to declare everyone who likes that person undesirable. You took it too far.

There are two things I did that I feel I need to apologize for that I actually know of.

When Tau Heximus 2 was dying, I had said that killing the server would kill me. That was disgusting of me. I should not have said that. It was emotionally manipulative of me. I was scared, and confused, I had never experienced something like that before, the loss of somewhere that felt like home, it really felt like I was going to die, and I spoke with my heart instead of my head. If this is what I did to hurt you, I am deeply sorry for saying something so uncomfortable. I'm doing my best to keep my emotional responses under control. And I hope that should anything like that happen again, I won't have such a dramatic response.

I would also like to apologize for being so difficult to help. Whenever I'm offered advice on how to improve or fix something, I have a habit of coming up with excuses, or just flat out rejecting it. I don't mean to come off as ungrateful or opposed to your help. Stressful situations cause me to mentally shut down in a way where anything to help that takes even a slight amount of effort becomes an insurmountable task. I'm trying my best to be more receptive of help, even if it's just agreeing that it would help. I just wish I had the means and energy to actually act on the advice. I am so sorry for anyone who I've hurt by denying your help. Offering me advice does help me mentally, because it lets me know people care, but I feel terrible that I hurt people by not being able to accept and act on the help.

This isn't a call-out post. This is me asking for clarification on what I did wrong, apologizing for what I know I did, and wishing to clear things up.

Thank you for reading.

[our-transmasculine-experience]

I normally bind with sports bras, bc they aren’t as restrictive and I can do more intense physical activities (if ofc my body isn’t feeling like shit and I can actually walk more than 10 feet without being in immense pain), but recently they’ve been actually doing more harm than good.

I don’t have too much in the way of boobs to begin with, so there’s not much to compress. But I do feel way more dysphoric when I wear regular bras as opposed to my pseudo-binding alternative.

but recently I’ve been getting (even worse) rib pain, red marks under my breast and across my upper torso, really bad back aches, and if I’ve been wearing a sports bra too long and it gets really compress-y, I have to eat in smaller portions so the food can even go down into my system to get digested (I also jsut have a weird stomach, but those two things combined do not help with my past ed problems and relapsing/recovery from it).

I’ve been thinking maybe I just need to buy new ones (mine are a few years old, and I think I may be a different size now bc of weight gain and loss in certain parts of my body.), but I’m fairly certain my mom just wants me to stop using them altogether and go back to regular ones (I’m nto out to her, and I’m sure that if I did come out, it would cause more problems for me than just being closeted).

my sister knows kinda how I feel about my boobs, mostly that I don’t like them but I haven’t fully come out to her nor actually said it’s dysphoria. She helps in the ways she can, i.e. gets me things like heat packs for the pain, helps me out wiht my day to day responsibilities if I’m in jsut too much pain, is helping me look into alternatives, etc. but she also just says I have to live wiht it, live with having boobs, since, in her words, they’re “just glorified meat sacks”. I’ve also asked her her opinion on if I were to be trans, and she said she would support me in transitioning, but also not to be too hasty in labeling since I’m still young, to give it a few more years.

but why didn’t anyone tell me that sports bras wouldn’t give these side effects? I only heard that this stuff happens with traditional binders. No one said that sports bras could be just as destructive.

yeah. no one talks about it. for a while, i would bind with sports bras but such there’s a lot of compression on the lower band, it would be tight where it wasn’t supposed to be. i had to stop binding for a good amount of time because it kind of messed me up.

there is no way to bind completely free of possible side effects. it can hurt. but you just have to listen to your body and stop when it tells you to stop.

[princesssarisa]

The next series of tales in Heidi Ann Heiner's Cinderella Tales from Around the World are tales of the Love Like Salt variety.

This is a subtype of Donkeyskin, but in place of a father wanting to marry his daughter, it opens with a different scenario. A king (or just a rich man, but usually a king) asks his three daughters how much they love him. The elder two daughters describe their love in terms that please him, but the youngest says that she loves him as much as she loves salt. (Or that she loves him as meat, bread, or food loves salt.) Because salt is common and cheap, or because it tastes bitter alone, the king takes this as an insult and banishes his daughter. (Or worse, he orders a servant to kill her in the forest, but the servant lets her go, a la Snow White.) From this point on, the story usually becomes like Donkeyskin or All-Kinds-of-Fur: the princess finds lowly work at another palace, somehow acquires beautiful gowns, attends festivities, and wins the prince's love. (Or sometimes, he simply finds her in the forest and marries her right away.) When they marry in the end, she invites her father to the wedding, usually without revealing her identity, and she has the food cooked without any salt. When the king tastes the bland food, he realizes the preciousness of salt, and that his daughter was telling him how dearly she loved him. Then the princess reveals herself and joyfully reunites with her father.

Needless to say, Shakespeare lovers will recognize this scenario. While King Lear was allegedly based on true events in ancient British history, the fact that it contains a common fairy tale archetype seems to imply that the story as we know it is more legend than fact.

I don't personally like this type of Cinderella story as much as other subtypes (or King Lear as much as other Shakespeare plays), for a very personal reason: my autism and self-diagnosed ADHD, which cause Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria. Seeing the princess rejected because of a misunderstanding by the father she loves more than anything is heartbreaking to me, because all my life, I've been irrationally afraid that my loved ones might reject me if I mistakenly say or do something they think is wrong. I tend to feel as if the king is too easily forgiven, because while my head says it just shows the princess's immense love and grace, my heart feels as if it means "He deserves her forgiveness, any parent could have made that same mistake (including yours)." But I suppose the solution is to look at the story from the king's point of view. The king arguably shows Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria: he only rejects his daughter because he feels rejected by her and his heart is broken. Arguably, when he banishes her, he's behaving like an AuDHD child howling and raging at his mother because she said "When you act like this, I don't want to be near you" and he heard it as "I don't love you anymore." When his daughter helps him to see her love and forgives him, I should see it as a reminder that my rejection fears have no real foundation, just like the king's sense of rejection by his daughter was wrong, and that my loved ones will forgive me for my mistakes too.

Besides, a case can be made that the princess is also in the wrong, for describing her love in such plain and "untender" terms that her father couldn't understand. @queenlucythevaliant has posted eloquently on this subject and has even written an interesting retelling of the story with this interpretation. It applies even more to Shakespeare's Cordelia, with her seemingly cold and clinical talk of love as a duty, than it does to the fairy tale princess, who at least means to convey that she loves her father more than anything, and just words it badly. Arguably, all Lear really wants at the beginning play is to hear warm, tender words of love from his daughters, and Cordelia chooses to be morally right rather than kind.

By the way, I don't know if this is true, but I've read the suggestion that the Love Like Salt tale might have originated as an attempt to bowdlerize Donkeyskin, replacing the king's efforts to marry his daughter with a different way of demanding too much love. So when people talk about possible incest subtext between King Lear and his daughters, especially Cordelia, they might have a point whether Shakespeare intended it or not. The folklore the story grew from may have been born from still older folklore where the king did have incestuous love for his daughter.

@ariel-seagull-wings, @adarkrainbow, @themousefromfantasyland

[privatelife]

not to be too online this is gonna read so embarrassing but my sibling wasnt available so i cant talk to them abt it lol

but ive been in a terrible mood all day bc sometimes RARELY i try to interact with my moots on various websites just little comments here and there. i dont do it nearly enough im very isolated in life and online but if i feel the need, i like to just say a couple words, yknow, human interaction. like if we follow each other i figure it's cool to engage in small ways ? anyway a twitter mutual hornyposted abt d*vid h*ward thr*nton and i thought it was funny and agreeable so i replied "REAL" i didnt think anything of it. i wouldnt have even given it a second thought if she ignored it entirely i was literally just taking a break from work scrolling twitter whatever not serious. but she responded almost immediately "i dont share..." and that was it. so then ive felt all day like i did something stupid and wrong lmao I KNOW IT'S SO UNSERIOUS she couldve been joking for all i know. but we've interacted maybe once before so i cant even tell. i kinda dont think she was joking tho 😭

if i may psychoanalyze myself for a second i think this tiny interaction triggered my rejection sensitive dysphoria real bad cause it like reinforced my idea that there's just something inherently wrong and unlikable abt me and that i shouldnt even bother interacting with other ppl. im at a point where i dont really believe that so much anymore but i still would like to feel "accepted" by cool ppl with similar interests to mine someday lol. i have one (1) real friend now and that's positively effected my view of myself immensely BUT we don't share a lot of the same interests so it's like, i can talk all day long abt certain things that are important to me and they'll gladly listen, but they don't get it the way others might. and vice versa! i love them dearly and wouldnt trade them for the world but i do at the same time wish i had Other friends who are into idk. horror movies, b movies, the music i like etc. you know. i think that's a perfectly normal thing to long for 😭 it seems like every time i reach out for that it never ever works in my favor :( ive mostly accepted im a weirdo with weirdo interests nobody gets me im too cool whatever blah fart sound... but why cant we all be weirdos TOGETHER. wheres the CAMARADERIE

i suppose a therapist would say keep trying! you're doing great! but oof it just really left my brain in tatters for the day. over something so dumb !!!! stupid and dumb !!! anyway at the end of the day i still can, should, must, and will fuck the clown man.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hiya. Hope you're doing well.

A little bit of a weird one just a little related to being nd (undiagnosed but possibly AuDHD.

I'm in my 20's with 5 siblings (only 2 of which live with me). Recently I've been feeling left out of plans/conversations, etc and tend to be the last person to know something. I sometimes miss cues and things, but I know for a fact that I haven't in these cases. I don't leave the house much because of my severe anxiety, so maybe that's why I'm left out, but not knowing about any of it feels like a punch to the gut. For a little bit of extra context, my birthday was 2 weeks ago and one of the siblings making plans did not wish me, but wished another sibling 2 days after. I don't know how much of this is Rejection Dysphoria? I an usually tell if I've made someone upset because I overthink everything, but if it's not about asking for help with chores, I can't think of anything else. Is this RSD or something reasonable?

Thanks in advance

Hi there,

I’m sorry about your birthday. I would be upset and sad if one of my siblings were to wish the other s happy birthday but not mine. That’s kinda rude…

If you want some information about RSD, here’s an excerpt from Embrace Autism:

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is characterized by strong emotional reactions to real or perceived rejection. These reactions have been described as “immense emotional pain from real or perceived failure to meet others’ expectations.”[1] Reactions can be internalized, like feelings of low self-esteem and self-criticism, or they can be externalized, like responding to someone with anger or bursting into tears

The link will be below if you want to read it:

It sounds like RSD to me, but I was never diagnosed with ADHD, just Autism. But both can experience this phenomenon.

See if you can try to communicate your feelings with your siblings, and tell them why the situation made you upset. Hopefully they’ll be understanding.

I hope this helps answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

I also wish you a happy birthday 🎊🎁🎂

[eddwardtheseventhspacewizard]

I’m really angry at my uterus and this and long ass post. I also briefly mention suicidal feelings brought on by the sudden surge in hormones that come with my period so proceed at your own discretion.

Man I fucking love how my uterus (that I have no use for because I will NEVER birth children) causes me immense pain and medication won’t fucking work even if it is EXTRA STRENGTH. I’m also transmasc and while I don’t get gender dysphoria from my period but I do get gender wrath because what the fuck dude?? I should NOT have to deal with this bullshit. I have a pretty high pain tolerance too so this is fucking insane. If you look up a symptom that would normally cause some level of concern and put “period” or “menstrual” in the search the results will be like “Oh yeah, this totally normal and fine. Just wait it out.” What. The. Fuck. Am I possessed by a blood demon or some shit? This should not be normal. Hours of just having to grit and bear it through the gradually increasing pain. If I had to describe my pain it would be between seven to ten. How am I supposed to function like this?? How is ANYONE supposed to function like this?! Why do bodies do this?!? Someone please take my uterus! I don’t want it!! I never asked for this!!! When I say I want to get my uterus removed assholes always say “what if you want babies?” I don’t. I’ve known that since I was FIVE. Also adoption is a thing and if my future partner cares about having a baby related to them then they can go do that but I’m not. I don’t give a shit if the kid doesn’t have my genes, it won’t make me love them less. When I tell my mom I want to be rid of my uterus she says “but you’ll have to take hormones!” oh no how scary I totally don’t plan on taking any hormones already. That is sarcastic. I plan on taking testosterone. Besides I think having a little more control over my hormones would be good for me because I have reason to believe that the sudden increase of hormones the week before my period makes me WAY more depressed than usual. It’s usually when I end up slipping up if you know. Having anti depressants has improved this by a good amount but it’s still difficult. I just don’t want to feel intensely suicidal and then have to experience agonizing pain the brings me to tears right after that every month. Is that so much to ask? Also my boobs hurt really bad. I mean I already don’t want them for transgender reasons but I also want them gone for convenience and comfort reasons. “You could loose sensation in your nipples!” Good. I fucking hope I do. I will have a whole ass breakdown if something grazes my nipple because I hate how it feels that much. I sleep in bralettes for fucks sake! Also I can’t stand when I feel my boobs move. It has also caused fucking breakdowns because it feels HORRIBLE! I don’t understand how anyone gets sexual gratification from BOOBS. I hate boobs. They can make some people have good shapes but I don’t get the sex part. I’m sick of people telling me “nooo don’t modify your body! You’re perfect as you are!” Because no I’m not. I want to modify for myself. Most the things I want to do can be transgender but they’ll also just make my life more convenient because I won’t have all the these extra parts. Like I just wanna go into the character creator and change my stats but everyone is trying to stop me for some reason. Gender is a game and I am downloading mods, why the fuck does how I play affect YOU.

[on-call-ramblings]

TW: Mentions of body dysphoria 

People who work with death often have a different outlook on life than the average person. Even when you compare them to most healthcare workers it isn’t quite the same. I’ve met many nurses who were reluctant to touch a patient once they had died.

In some cases, these people live their life to the fullest. They are secure with the knowledge of what happens to their body after death, and see the beauty in each day.

Some are… overwhelmed to say the least. The immense pressure of their job combined with their own insecurities can make day to day life harder. But the fulfillment of this industry keeps them going.

Other then bitter, angry. A lot of these people will turn to alcohol in their downtime. They are burnt out, compassion fatigued, and have become robotic in their work. For these people, if they don’t leave the industry they make life a living hell for those who are still in it.

It’s no wonder the burnout rate is only 5 years.

I personally fall under the second category. I really try my best to make each day bright and positive but it’s not easy for me. My imperfections haunt me daily. I’m a slow learner. I’m a fat person who cannot hop aboard the body positivity train to save my life. I’m messy. I’m exhausted all the time. I want so damn badly to succeed. It feels like I’m on the edge of greatness and downfall daily, and with every win I manage to make some sort of set back.

I keep telling myself that it’s okay not to be perfect, but it’s hard when I feel like I’m lying to myself.

If anyone else feels like this, here are some tips that I personally use to try to combat these feelings:

1) Read. A fan fiction, a book, a catalog, whatever. Just make sure it’s not tied to “doom scrolling” cause I promise you hearing about how bad the housing market is for the millionth time this week will not make you feel any better.

2) Exercise when you can. I personally like going on walks in pretty much any weather so long it’s not blistering hot outside. Sometimes a 20 minute walk in the rain will heal your soul.

3) Challenge yourself. Puzzles, crosswords, Sudoku, or if your hands on and creative you can build something. It doesn’t have to be hard, just something that can get your mind going.

4) Take care of yourself. When you’re like me and have depression this one can be…. Pretty rough sometimes. Best thing I’ve learned to do is just make it easier on yourself. I have strategically placed things like hair brushes, mints, nail clippers, deodorant, water bottles, and various other items that smell nice throughout my home and car. There are plenty of times where going into the bathroom to brush my teeth seemed like a giant weight I couldn’t shake. However, it’s a lot easier to brush my hair when it’s right next to my bedside. Or if it’s in my car when I decide to lay in bed until the last minute.

Granted, everyone has something that works best for them. The important thing to remember is even if you haven’t found it yet, keep trying. We haven’t lost until we’ve stopped trying

[goldenchan-fx2thepeacock]

Quick AU where Danny stays in town during Girls Night Out

Yeah, random thoughts spring into brain. Danny is trans. I think that's enough background info. Also, Tumblr got a new post editor, so I'm betaing it right now.

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Danny was supposed to go fishing with his dad. But something came up. AKA, Vlad wanted him to go visit him without Danny. So Danny was in Amity Park when he was supposed to be having dad bonding time. What could he say? His dad got that dumb book and everything. It was gonna be epic. Except stupid Vlad had to go and ruin everything. Whatever. Dad said they would go next weekend.

The first big issue was when Tucker disappeared. And he didn't. Might've been a dumb ghost thing. So he and Sam went to find stuff out. Except all the men in town were gone. It was glaring. "I-I'm sure it's nothing Danny!" Sam said nervously. "Yeah. It's gotta have been a stupid mistake. Maybe I'm immune cause I'm half ghost," Except there weren't any male ghosts either. "Yeah, that's gotta be it!" That when they heard Ember. "OH YEAH! NO MORE PESKY GUYS! IT'S A GIRL'S NIGHT OUT!" "Yes. You know, I'm surprised that worked. I was afraid it might've been a ghost only thing," Spectra drawled. "Of course it worked. The superior gender always prevails," Kitty replied. "And that's obviously female," Every vein in his body was pounding. "I think you might've confused sex for gender ladies," Sam said patiently. "We're not having sex!" Ember laughed. "You do realize how invalidating this can feel for trans people?!" Sam shrieked back. "If they're still here, that means it's a she," Spectra grinned. That was the last straw. He ran. As fast as he could. And for a half ghost that was fast. Once he got home, he slammed the door.

Sam saw Danny run off and knew how this was looking for him. "Isn't this rich? The ghost boy is really a girl," Kitty grinned. "I'm surprised I didn't notice sooner," Spectra laughed. Ember stayed oddly quiet for someone who was normally boisterously loud.

Danny curled in on himself. Herself. NO! Don't second guess yourself. It change the fact that it hurt. "All the men in town are gone!" He heard Jazz yell. "I realize that Jazz. Thank goodness your father is out of town," Mom sighed. "Wait, but Danny isn't! I really hope..." She was standing in his doorway. "FUCKING GHOSTS!" Jazz didn't swear. She never swore. "What is it Jazz? Oh. Danny, I'm so sorry," Mom pulled him into a hug. "I'll be fine," He grumbled. "Do you know which ghosts?" Jazz decided to change the conversation. "Spectra, Kitty and Ember," "Great. Spectra is going to use this horribly," Jazz grumbled quiet enough that only Danny could hear. "Listen, we have to get the guys back first," "Wait, if you're, that means any trans women in Amity are stuck there," Mom said. "Can we not talk about that? I'm seriously not in the mood," "At least pesky Phantom won't be here to get in the way," Jazz and Danny exchanged a look. Sam came bursting in. "Danny! Okay, I am going to make them even deader than before," Sam cracked her knuckles. "I'm fine Sam. Let's just find a way to fix this," "I have an idea!" Jazz said. "No," Danny, Sam and Mom said in unison. "Oh come on. Don't be like that. Not all my plans are bad," Jazz protested. "Speaking from experience (of being trapped in a thermos way too much for one night), that is completely untrue," "What was that about thermoses Danny?" Mom said. "Jazz put soup in my Fenton Thermos!" "I couldn't tell them apart! We really need to label things," "Like with a massive sticker that say Fenton?" "All our stuff has those!" "Fair enough," Danny conceded. It was the plan if anyone caught them talking about getting trapped in thermoses. It made sense because it actually happened. "Well, since Jazz's plan is out, I opt that we figure out how this whole thing happened," Mom said. "It's a combo between Kitty and Ember. Kitty has this thing that makes men disappear into another dimension. And Ember must've used her guitar to make it cover all of Amity. If we don't get them out in twelve hours, they'll be stuck there forever," "And I will have to resign to a life of raging dysphoria," "You were gonna have that anyways," "Times ten. This won't help anyways, but it won't be all bad," "Let's stop talking about you being trans. Danny, you're staying here," Jazz winked. He knew what that meant. They would get all the men back and Danny would keep the ghosts at bay. "Okay. So, from what they were blabbing, all we have to do is get them to do it again," Sam said. Once they had a plan in place, all they had to do was implement it. They left and Danny quickly transformed. Praying that Spectra wouldn't find a way to use this against him, he sped off. "Hey! Poo faces! I'm not gone, and it semi pisses me off!" He screamed. "Oh now sweety. Why would you want to leave behind the superior gender?" Spectra said. "Because it makes me feel horrible and like I was born wrong," "You were, weren't you," Don't let Spectra sink her claws in Fenturd! "Yeah, maybe I was, but if I work hard enough I can fix it," "How is Danny Phantom still here?" He heard Paulina say. Nope, not listening. "They're all going to know. You can't do anything about that," Spectra laughed evilly. "Now girls, follow the recipe! You too now," "I'm. NOT A GIRL!" The wail was probably ill planned, but Danny wasn't thinking straight. Shit, humans. He cut himself off. "Oh come on now. No matter how many times you tell yourself that, you still have to cover parts of yourself. Don't tell me you don't wake up every morning and wish you were a real boy?" "I am. I am a real boy. I just have to take a few extra steps to get there," "Oh come on now. Stop lying to yourself. Maddie, how can you possibly call these eggs? They're green," Okay, maybe dealing with Spectra first was a bad idea. But she was also taunting his mom. Deal with Ember. She must be better than this.

So he flew to a stage. Ember was rocking out with a bunch of girls. Sam was in the background. This was probably one of the less dangerous problems. "Listen, if you're going to taunt me for the fact that I'm still here, do it already," "Hey, listen kid. I'm not actually going to taunt you. Kitty and Spectra are being complete jerks, but I'm not going to judge you for being trans," "Y-you're not?" "Heck no! I'm doing this because I wanted to have a fun night without guys. You included. I'll just have to take a few extra steps to get rid of you!" Danny dodged the guitar strum easily. "Are you planning on bringing them back at the end of the night?" "That's really up to Kitty," "I guess," Sam could deal with Ember.

Next up was Kitty. Oh great, makeup. (I honestly forget what Kitty was doing, so makeup works) "Now girls. All you gotta do is apply the bronzer like so!" "Kitty! How would Johnny feel if he knew you were doing this?" "Oh come on now Ghost girl, you can't be serious. Johnny is having a guys night in all due time," "HEY! Don't you dare. Transphobia doesn't help anyone," Jazz yelled. "Oh stop complaining. She knows she doesn't belong with the guys. From the looks of it, Spectra's already gotten to you. This'll make this so much easier,"

The plan backfired immensely. Danny and Mom were a mess, Sam didn't manage to get the guitar, and Jazz just got in a debate with Kitty. Danny, having to keep up a facade, came downstairs. "How'd it go?" "Terribly. Though, I did learn the Ghost Boy is trans," Mom said. "Fascinating," "It's, well it's oddly human. Why would a ghost even bother?" "Turns out gender dysphoria comes to the grave," "Danny, this is no time for one of your morbid jokes," Yeah, maybe it was morbid, but it wasn't a joke. "Whatever. I guess we get to use Jazz's plan," "All we gotta do is convince them that a cis guy is still in town. Like wandered in after the disappearing act," "Great plan. Sam can't pretend to be me though," "How did you know I was going to do that?" "Lucky guess,"

So that's how Jazz ended up wearing a baseball cap and a pair of men's jeans into Ember's concert. "Did we really have to use a pair of dad's jeans? These barely fit," "You know, the fact that they fit at all should be surprising. Dad was skinny at one point in his life. Which means that one of us could be on his end of the gene pool," "It's probably you," "Don't make me think about that. Hiding what little chest I have is hard enough. If I got dad's genes, I'd honestly be terrified," "We haven't seen the women on his side of the family. And besides, you got the blue eyes black hair thing," "You are honestly scaring me. Now, I gotta scram before someone sees me talking to you. Mom or the ghosts," "Fair,"

And thus, the plan worked. Kitty, adamant that no men be left in Amity, blew another kiss. Ember amplified it. The men came back. The three got thermosed. Jazz laughed at their faces when they honestly though she was from out of town. Danny once again didn't get taken, even in ghost form.

Tucker and Sam found him curled up in his bed. "Hey man. I know this has gotta be tough for you," Tucker said. "Spectra had no right!" Sam continued. "Thanks guys. But I think I'm gonna take a few days off school," The trio heard Dash's voice outside. "Hey mom. I know what happened was scary. And I know it must've felt really bad, but I still see you as my mom," "Thanks Dash. I can always count on you to make me feel better," A woman's voice rang out. Danny looked over the window sill. "See Danny. It's not horribly weird. Just a few transphobic ghosts," Tucker laughed. "A couple," "What?" Sam and Tucker said in unison. "Ember isn't," "How do you know that?" "I talked to her," "Hey Fenturd! Don't you dare tell anyone about my mom! And don't be mean to her! I'm sure you wouldn't get it," "You'd be surprised Dash!" He grabbed his trans flag and hung it out the window. "I get it more than you seem to think!" Dash's mom smiled at him. "Y-you're trans? I thought you were just a loser!" "Yeah, and I had to talk to the transphobic ghosts. So I won't invalidate your mom!" Dash stared up at him. "Holy shit,"

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Praying that this uploads, cause I've got shoddy internet rn. And I'm working on my Gravity Falls crossover fic. I just had this pop into my mind. Prolly just gonna be a oneshot. I might make another fic about Jack's side of the family later, that's connected to this one.

[kamuisthoughts]

The Actual Rant:

I’m going to begin by saying that I think the ABO dynamic is interesting.

That being said I’ve noticed some recurring and very disturbing themes that are attached to this type of AU, regardless of what fandom you’re reading in. It makes sense to me that a universe where people have secondary genders and are more susceptible to animalistic instincts would have different types of societal issues. This being the disturbing themes I mentioned. The disregard of rape, the gender oppression, the objectification of certain genders, and various forms of dysphoria.

Obviously these themes are extremely dark and unsettling, but what’s worse is how the people that take it upon themselves to write about these things romanticize these horrific issues. Using them as a tool to build a parallel world that would cause the reader to think or reflect on our own society is one thing. That’s what I would like to read. But instead I come across these ABO AUs and find authors downplaying these abominable problems, making it seem as if it’s okay to have these sorts of things happening.

If you tell me beforehand what you intend to do okay, I can just avoid that.

But anyway there’s a difference between building a world with dark elements like these and presenting it as something that is truly disgraceful, but many people in the world do not care or fear fighting against it, and creating a world where it’s obvious that the writer is fetishizing these elements. You can completely change the tone of something depending on how issues are presented, how the characters react to their circumstances.

I hate to see rape happen in a story. I honestly feel it’s the most unforgivable, egregious thing you could do to a person beside murdering them. It’s a form of torture, and I honestly believe this, so it turns my stomach to see people writing stories where characters go through this awful thing, sometimes repeatedly and it’s not accurately addressed. There’s rarely lasting trauma if any. They just kind of take it, they don’t fight, they might even accept it just because the character doing it to them is objectively attractive and that is nauseating to me.

I also hate to see kidnappings and forced marriages in this type of AU, where the author tells you the main character is a “BAMF” or “Strong” individual but this is never actually displayed. Not mentally which I often respect to see in characters and not even hinted at physically either. They’ll maybe have a sassy mouth but still won’t really do anything when their abuser is hurting them. And this is usually moot since the main character oftentimes just simpers for their alpha abuser in the end. They’ll either be too scared to continue to mouth off or be too enamored by the alpha’s physical appearance and scent.

I also noticed Stockholm Syndrome is really common in these stories as well, (should the author actually deign to touch upon the immense trauma rape would cause a person), despite how rare this condition is in reality. This I find maddening. Now, I understand sometimes reality is so painful that someone needs to escape it through delusion so that they can function somewhat coherently. But the fact that there are so many stories where a character is kidnapped, ripped from their life, forced to mate with someone who doesn’t respect them as a fellow human being, raped, forcefully impregnated, and then somehow still falls in love with their abuser is utterly repulsive.

And the thing that really upsets me is the fact that I deliberately exclude tags in my search that denote rape/non-con, underaged, and major character death yet still I come across stories where these things are mentioned. Are happening. They’ll be in the story but not in a story’s tags and just glossed over. I’m not sure if this is deliberate or if some of the writers just don’t understand the magnitude of the themes they’re pushing but regardless I find this unacceptable.

If someone says no and you stick your penis inside of them anyway, that is rape. If you lull them into a false sense of security due to pheromones after they’ve said no and have sex with them, that is rape. If they give up fighting because they know it’s hopeless it’s still rape. I don’t care how physically desirable you are, or how good you smell, or if you feel it’s your “right” to take the other person because you managed to pin them down and you’re stronger. They said no, and even if they didn’t say “no” they didn't say yes .

If someone didn’t say they accepted your advances, that is not dubious consent. That. Is. Rape . And women can be rapists too. Let’s stop pretending that’s not a thing and that it’s not just as bad no matter what gender the attacker is. Can we not try to sugarcoat the horrible things people are writing about and call it “dubious” so people can feel better about romanticizing sexual abuse and getting off on it? Because even if you don’t call a spade a spade it’s still a damn spade.

Now let’s talk about fetishes. I hate when male characters are forcefully feminized when they don’t want to be. Like seriously, a male omega in this type of ABO story could literally say, “I’m a man, don’t call me a wife or a mother” and the other characters will just brush it off, they won’t even address it. They’ll continue to label him incorrectly, continue to treat him in ways that make him uncomfortable, and eventually he’ll just stop getting upset or annoyed and go along with it. This is NOT okay. This happens when a writer likes writing about feminine men.

There’s nothing wrong with a feminine man, that’s not what I’m saying. What’s wrong is when a man is overly sexualized because of his physical appearance and incorrectly labeled by others despite him stating what he identifies as. If you want to write about a gender fluid male omega, do that! Do not write about a male omega who identifies as male and call him a wife just because he can give birth. He is still a husband. He is a man and the other characters should be respecting that.

Then we have the fetishizing of birth or breeding in these AUs. This element of this AU has always been so creepy to me. (And I’m talking about FORCED breeding. Edit added because I didn’t specify this at first).

Omegas in these AUs are seen as the lowest of the low because they have heats, are softhearted, physically weaker, and motherly. Yet despite being chained to the bottom of the societal hierarchy they are objectified by other secondary genders. They are desired just enough for alphas and betas to want to breed with but they aren’t worth equal rights such as choosing their own “mate”, their job, or even walking down the street without fear of being forcefully mounted.

Seldom do I see this issue actually portrayed as an issue. The omegas in the story bat their eyelashes at alphas, and even manipulate them because they know that they are objectified. They aim to get claimed by “strong” and “virile” alphas and to have “beautiful pups”. Like, what?

But okay, I can see that.

You live a certain way you can get used to almost anything, but the fact that it’s rarely more than the main character who wants for more is astounding to me. I guess this is a writer’s way of hammering home how different and “before their time” they want their main character to be but it just comes off as forced, and the main character becomes a novelty. Alphas just want the main even more because they want to break them so they can force them into the role of a “good little omega”.

It angers me to see this type of world building with no consequences. There’s no simmering rage at the lack of justice and equality, there’s no conflict. It’s just, “omegas are cute and sexy and they smell nice”. This just makes all of the characters seem like morally bankrupt sex addicts who’re all some form of insane and I can’t stand it. But I’ll digress.

The true reason I decided to write this rant?

A story.

Yes, I came across a story and for some reason despite the harmless looking tags and my knowledge of how misleading this AU can be I clicked on it. I just wanted to see if I was being too harsh on the ABO AU, if someone could write a story in this type of universe that I could actually bear to read that wasn’t extremely hard to find. (Most of the fics in this AU I come across are the really dark ones).

So, I tried to read an ABO AU for MHA, and I'll tell you now I couldn’t even get beyond the fourth chapter. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Izuku was of course a rare male omega, born in a fantasy world where All Might bestowed upon him the powerful magic of One For All and then dipped. Of course despite having this power Izuku was still a weakling, even though the author tried to say he was strong willed and “unlike most omegas”.

Izuku had to hide his secondary gender. He lived as a quirkless beta with his mother. One day he stumbled across Katsuki, who declared Izuku his “true mate”. Despite Izuku saying he didn’t want to mate with him, Izuku was abducted and forced to be with him simply because it was what Katsuki wanted.

Izuku repeatedly said he didn’t want to be there, that he didn't want to be with this literal stranger, and that he didn’t have any desire to be a baby factory for him but was of course ignored. Long story short Katsuki got his way and Izuku eventually was down with it. Because Katsuki was handsome, well built, and smelled nice Izuku didn’t even bother to stay angry at the injustice of his own situation.

This is one of the many stories in this type of AU I personally find problematic. I don’t care if people write these fics, I just wish they were more responsible about it.

I’ve seen stories where alphas threaten to kill an omega’s family or the omega themselves to force them to mate with them, and are forced to comply. Instead of acknowledging how horrible this is the other characters just sort of treat it like the omega is misbehaving and that they’re cute for being “annoyed”. Like, what? Literally what the fuck. And this is sometimes never brought up again.

Alphas could burn down a whole village, slaughter everyone and take the omegas as sex slaves and still in certain stories this could be romanticized. I can’t get with that. Especially not when the victims aren’t even upset for more than a few days. What the heck!? That was your family!

But what really makes me uncomfortable? When an author makes sure the reader is aware of the fact that an abuser is extremely physically attractive so that people will be less inclined to be disgusted by their atrocious behavior and mentality.

I get it.

Sometimes the inevitable fall is due to true mates and all that. But at the same time, that is absolute bullshit. I wouldn’t give a damn if you were Jesus Christ himself, if you threaten to kill my family, or me, DO these things, disregard my feelings because of what you want and what you have to gain I am not giving you the time of day. Or at the very least if I have no choice I’m gonna utterly despise the person harming me. Come on!

True mates/Soulmates could be so freaking cute. It HAS been. I’ve seen it. There’s good fics out there, I just wish there was more of a selection where certain tropes are implemented in a way that isn’t toxic.

I don’t care how objectively attractive someone appears. I don’t care what “fate” says or what “instincts” denote. What reason do some of these characters have to love their abusers? Let alone be attracted to them? Especially if they never get a heartfelt apology and the alpha doesn’t bother to change significantly to be a tolerable human being. But okay, ABO instincts. Lack of control. I know, okay? But come on, can we switch it up a bit?

Out of morbid curiosity, sometimes when I come across stories I just can’t read because the Non-con is there but it’s not portrayed as traumatic and the author doesn’t even TELL you it’s in there... out of some masochistic need to punish myself I scroll down to read some of the comments and no one, I mean no one addresses how skewed and warped the themes in these stories are. The readers eat it up. And it’s honestly sickening.

But you know what? That’s kind of a lie. Some people do complain but they’re usually just straight up hateful flames and I don’t support those. I wish people could be more constructive when commenting on people’s work.

But anyway, since it was the MHA ABO AU fic that set me off I’ll just continue to use Izuku and Katsuki as examples for my griping. With Izuku as the omega and Katsuki as the alpha.

Many fanfic writers set up their worlds as a means to impregnate Izuku. That’s what I believe. Not ALL fanfic writers that write about this AU do this. SOME of them do! And I’m not saying this is always problematic, but it is when they put certain elements together because they want to write about BakuDeku in a sexual form and don’t bother to note how dark the story elements they’re implementing actually are.

I’m not sure if this is because some of them don’t understand how serious and damaging these things are and can be (rape/sexual coercion/forced pregnancy) or if they just don’t care and find them cute and sexy.

Either way, the things some authors have alpha Katsuki pulling on Izuku are wrong and downright perverted.

Now, I’m not opposed to smut. Sometimes I read stories with smut, that doesn’t bother me. Sex is a natural thing and people do it to show how much they like someone, or even just because it feels good. Whatever, that’s fine. But putting two characters together and saying “this is how it is because fate and forget gradually becoming attracted because I want that sexual tension now!” is something I find greatly unsettling.

If I could see this idea displayed differently maybe I could be equally disturbed, but could grow to accept Izuku and Katsuki (or whoever are the focus of the story) as a pair. Why? Because if the things the alpha is doing are horrible they should be acknowledged as horrible.

A lot of stories could be more interesting to me if the author wrote the things I mentioned above as they actually are, despicable. Instead things a lot of the times are sugar coated, treated as a joke, or downright wrongfully sexualized. Sometimes all three at once! A lot of these fics could have been something I could stomach if treated soundly. Say, Katsuki for example decided Izuku belonged to him and he forcefully mated with him, not allowing Izuku to be with anyone else without serious backlash. If he began to realize that his outlook on life was entitled and morally bankrupt I could totally get with that!

The author in this fake scenario could take the steps to better Katsuki as a person. Izuku of course should rightfully hate this man but could grudgingly begin to see and acknowledge Katsuki trying to change for the better. Then when Izuku manages to let go of his anger for his own sake, (not Katsuki’s) I could probably accept him beginning to notice Katsuki romantically. NOT sexually.

Now if Izuku just has to notice Katsuki’s physical body from the beginning and finds him irresistible because you know, ABO AU instincts and all that jazz—but hated this about himself, the juxtaposition of physical desire but mental and emotional disdain could be fascinating, engaging. It would make Izuku seem more like a person in these stories and less like the idea of a mentally strong omega. (Again, not saying all ABO fics lack good storytelling or compelling characters or any of that).

I could accept this eventual forgiveness and romance scenario because it could be amazing storytelling wise. Allowing the reader to experience a range of emotions due to world building, characterization, character growth, and plot line.

But anyway, I’m not trying to bash the specific story I used as an example above. I realize a lot of people love it and a lot of my language was crude and even rude but I just felt the need to express exactly what I was feeling, and above is what I felt. (I had to cut some things because it was way too obvious which fanfiction set me off and that’s not what I wanted. Didn’t want to throw shade, just wanted to prove a point).

If people want to read those types of stories that’s fine, at least they’re not going out into the world and doing what they’re reading about. Or at least I hope that’s the case.

But anyway, if people are going to read these types of things I think the reality of the content should be aptly acknowledged. No rose colored glasses, because that just makes it so wrong. And no, I’m not talking about being partial to any kind of kinks. I’m talking about a type of ABO fic that is problematic for me. I wrote a whole damn rant, if you can’t glean what I’m saying here I freaking give up.

But more presently, I guess it really comes down to what you prefer. Other people like things that come off as more sensual and carefree.

Personally I make it a point not to read those types of fanfictions because it’s just not my preference. I prefer to read things with dark world building with what I perceive as realistic consequences and real justice. Or maybe just downright cold blooded revenge sometimes. That’s nice too. Everyone is different, and I think I’ve just become frustrated because I’m not finding many stories like that in this AU.

That being said I’ve decided to write a story that I could read. A few, actually. You know what they say, “if you don’t do it, nobody else will”.

[turnabout4what]

Hey! I'm a bit new to the ao3 space, and I'd like to post a work on there for the first time. I'm a bit hesitant though, and thought I could ask you for what I should do. Do you have any tips on etiquette for tagging and content warnings, and any other general guidelines I should be considerate about? Last I posted was on wattpad in the peak fandom toxicity era, so I'm fairly unfamiliar.

Okay here’s a hot tip that you did not ask for. Word2cleanhtml.com will save you hours. Hours.

If you post to AO3 and have been manually doing italics and bold text by hand, word2cleanhtml will do that for you (You can’t move a document directly from google docs to word2cleanhtml for some reason, but you can paste from google docs to Microsoft Word and from Word to word2cleanhtml).

~CW for casual discussion of specific triggers~

No matter what I say for tagging and content warnings, I’m gonna get called out, so here’s the disclaimer that I’m not a professional and also I have rejection sensitive dysphoria so please critique me gently, internet void.

Tagging and content warnings etiquette varies by fandom. In Ace Attorney, few experienced writers tag violence because it’s a murder mystery fandom. However, drug and alcohol abuse is necessary to tag, when I doubt that would be a necessary tag in other fandoms. Unless you’re in a fandom with a lot of children, you probably don’t need to tag things like cursing.

Overall, I’ve noticed two kinds of triggers: ones that can physically alter a person’s mental state and lead to bodily harm, and ones that cause flashbacks that suck to relive. Seeing red splashed on neon yellow is always going to give me awful flashbacks to the bloody mess of a car accident I was in when I was 16. Don’t love that. But that’s much preferred to the anorexia relapses I’ve gotten from reading fanfiction!

A few things that you should always tag because they can legitimately harm a person’s physical wellbeing:

Dead Dove: Do Not Eat is a tag to throw on anything immensely disturbing like pedophilia, abuser worship, and incest.

Abuse, be it physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual. Otherwise, you may be unintentionally normalizing it and telling readers that what they’re experiencing IRL is fine.

Eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or any other dangerous state of mind to empathize with, specifically as told through the perspective of the POV character.

Anything that could trigger gender dysphoria. Discrimination and slurs in general, including racism and ableism, should always be tagged as well because (1) they can alter one’s self-image and sense of safety and (2) not tagging it normalizes it.

Things that are kind to tag so people that reading your story could give them a bad day:

Implied/referenced eating disorders, suicide attempts, or self-harm.

Child Protective Services.

Depictions of violence that your readers may have actually experienced. Your readers have probably not been shot nor stabbed, but car accidents are common.

Homelessness

Hospitals

Common phobias

Here’s a hot take, though: the feelings of your readers are not your responsibility. If someone gets triggered when reading your work, it’s not because you failed. It just happens. I recently had an awesome conversation with someone on AO3 because I left a comment on their work saying it was well written enough to trigger me, but that I was really glad to click on it anyway. Even though it sent me into an anxiety attack, it also led to some healthy reflection on my part. We like to demonize negative feelings, but they’re important to experience from time to time.

Anyway, there’s some advice and a fun peek at my mental health history! I’m writing this at 1am and I only have my own experiences to work off of, so I probably missed some super important stuff, so anyone should feel free to add onto what I’ve said here!

[777horns333rats]

trans OCD, doubt, and the internet

11/30/2020

tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems

today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me to “google tocd.” what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous. 

doubt is something i’m very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasn’t necessarily “im in the wrong body” but more “something is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.” the thought “am i transgender” was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought

“no, you aren’t transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people don’t question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you don’t want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldn’t want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.” (i haven’t transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isn’t really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things like “if you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesn’t care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!” which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.

after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i don’t necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but i’d be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where i’ll think, “what the fuck am i doing?” i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isn’t about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where i’ll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, it’s easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.

here’s where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the question “am i transgender?” feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, or “becoming transgender,” and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept reading “for transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.” this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.

i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesn’t impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what i’ve found. 

i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didn’t feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.

living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, there’s very little reason to panic.

heres a link to the random quora answer that helped calm me down, i recommend you read it if you are having any anxieties : https://qr.ae/pNikpp

[jackalopes-pen]

Roommates Part 3

Secrets and Lies ( In two parts because this is loong )

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

TW: detailed dysphoria | Swearing | Mention of ‘period’ products | 

Characters: Asexual Pan-romantic Janus Sanders | Gay Remus | People walking on the street, for like two sentences |

Summary: The two have enjoyed each others company immensely however, Janus neglected to tell Remus something for quite a while. He’s hidden it well but Janus may not be who he seems.  

Author’s Note: Wow, again with notes. Super impressed. I’m glad series has support here on Tumblr. Again, I am starting a taglist. Just use the ask box and I’ll tag you in this and future installments.

Janus woke up that morning to... an alarm? He usually didn’t set those, unless there was something important like a morning shift or birthday or something. He rolled over and terror filled his body. Why today? why now? It had to happen eventually but, now? The discomfort was already starting and getting worse. Janus headed toward the bathroom praying to someone, anyone, that it was late.

In Janus pants was a big, red, stain. He mentally kicked himself for his own anatomy and pulled out a bag of pads. Today was going to be difficult since Remus didn’t know about the whole situation. Should he know? Well, he didn't need to know before, but now was not the time to worry. 

But then again, why would Remus not be okay with it? He’d only known Janus as Janus, the guy who was obsessed with snakes and a compulsive liar. He didn’t know about Janice, the strange little tomboy who was somewhere between a masculine girl and a feminine guy. That was of course far behind him, after starting T in his junior year of high school, getting a hair cut as a sweet 16 present and undergoing top surgery there was no way to tell if he was once she. Remus is gay, he likes guys and only guys, so what if stops liking Janus because of this?! He not have any other options. So, what to do?

  —————————————

Remus woke up to the now familiar smell of breakfast being made. It’s surprising how fast 4 weeks came and went. Remus dug around in his messy dresser until he found something was decent-ish. He learned quickly that Janus preferred him to at least have something resembling a shirt on. That little asexual can’t even handle him being shirtless without being uncomfy. 

Remus walked into the kitchen and- somethings different. He didn’t know how, but he could tell something was up with Janus. As the good boyfriend he is, he had to figure out what was upsetting Janus and fix it by any means. But, despite his lack of knowledge, he was going to have this smartly if he wanted information. Lure Janus into a comfortable state and then ask the question and hopefully get an answer. It was fool-proof. 

“Good morning JJ!” not suspiciously said at all. Mental High-Five! Fuck yeah.

“Oh! Hey Rem, how are you?”

“Why talk about me? You’re much more interesting.” Yes. Yeeessss!! Lead into the question and get the answer. He is just so good at this.

“Oh really? What makes so interesting? Being a smart-ass?”

“Well you’re interesting cause you’re acting different. Why?” Come on Janus pleaseee! His plan is brilliant.

“Ha! Nice try.” WHY WOULD DO THIS?? Crushed, defeated, humiliated. The master plan from like 5 seconds ago failed!!! Well, might as well be blunt now, since his absolute genius was foiled.

“Jan, I know somethings up. You can tell me anything.”

“I’m fine Remus” 

“Jan, I didn’t want wanna have to do this.” he said as a mischievous smirk made it’s way on his face.

“What are you- REMUS!” IN one swift motion Remus plucked Janus from the ground and swung him into the embrace of the mustached wonder himself. Of course, Janus tried tried to struggle. He always struggled whenever he was confined in anyway. It was just like holding a real snake. Remus kept his grip strong and eventually Janus gave up, after like 5 minutes and a close-call.

“I hate that you know this is torture for me” Janus was glaring at Remus. Remus was just smirking though, he knew exactly what would happen next. See? He is smart, and bookey or whatever.

“Tell me what’s wrong right now, or I’m going to pin you to the couch.” he threatened jokingly.

“Fine. Just... put me down.”

“As you say~” Remus let Janus fall to the floor with a plop. The snake glared back at him while malice but Remus knew he won.

All Remus had to do was sit back and wait for the beans to spill like puss from a cyst. Actually, he’d before it to explode like a whale carcass, like would be exciting. Just watching a cacophony of rant and- is Jan about to cry?

[untaped-trans]

1998 I was born into my male body. My whole childhood I knew that I was uncomfortable with my gender, but nobody ever told me what to do with those feelings. So I carried them with me.  From the first day of preschool when I was 4 years old, I was grouped with the other boys and experienced my first misgendering. I didn’t know what it meant to not fit in with my gender, so I carried the weight of discomfort with my gender all these years. Time and time again I sacrificed my true self to fit in with all the others in my academic career all the way through college.

I simply lacked the education about what it means to be transgender, and  I would have not had so many doubts about myself if I had just understood what I was experiencing. Not knowing what I was feeling caused me a lot of fear, and that fear turned into shame. I always took the route that was easier instead of what was right for me, always giving in to the fear of what ifs. I wish that I had started transitioning sooner, but I’m learning that I can’t hold regrets about the path that I’ve taken. October of 2016 I was in my freshmen year of college and after many long nights discussion with my lovely girlfriend, and many nights of research of my own into the subject , I decided I wanted to transition and I was ready to come out to my parents. I sat down with them at dinner and told them a heartfelt message about the silent suffering I've gone through my childhood. I tried explaining things like gender dysphoria, and that my transition will be gradual, but once they understood what I was saying, their demeanor turned to ice. My parents stood up and walked out the front door without a single word. It was completely out of character for them. When I was a child my dad would often make jokes about gay people, and then always follow up with “ not that there’s anything wrong with it”, as if it excused his statement, But I was a child, how could I know any better? I waited for them to return. and when they did they demanded that I see a therapist before I begin any transition, and that they would not speak to me about this for the rest of that evening.  The only therapist I’ve seen up at that point was a family therapist from when I attempted suicide at 13. I told her about my confusions about what it means to be trans, and that I was being genuine in trying to tell my parents what I was going through. I wanted my parents to understand and love me for who I am, and she responded to my traumatic experience by asking if my desire to be a woman could be satisfied through sexual nature, and told me a story about a client who lived life as a man but once a week would dress as a woman to get off. Immediately I declined that notion and she continued on  saying that It’s incredibly challenging to be a woman, and even harder to transition into one. I felt completely and utterly disregarded in my attempts to open up by all the people who told me they would accept me.  So I carried that weight with me, and suppressed myself even more than ever, for another 3 years. It wouldn’t be until March of 2020 that I would be laid off from my job due to the COVID-19 pandemic. In a time of great suffering and immense sadness for our world, I was extremely lucky to have filed for unemployment in my state, and I got my first payments in the beginning of April. Before being laid off I was making barely enough money to pay rent each month, even though I was working two jobs every day.  I often feel remorse because now I am not working at all and making 3x the amount I made at the time, when there is people working much harder than me for much longer and getting paid much less. All I can do is be grateful for the state, and our essential workers.

That brings me to where I am now, in these photos. I’ve been preparing myself for this transition for such a long time but I haven't had the time, or the money that is needed to become the person I want to be. Now I have everything I need and I still feel immense fear. Which is why I’m making this post on this account. I will continue to post photos here regardless if anyone ever sees, just so I can look back and see my progress. I made this account 4 years ago when I first came out to catalog my transition, and I think it’s time I pick up where I left off.  I honestly feel so good to post this because it’s been so diffucult to carry this with me so expect more content like these photos from me in the future  Thank you so much for reading, this is the first time I've told this story. Please if you have anything to ask me don’t hesitate <3