777horns333rats

[777horns333rats]

Short story

Stopped hrt for a few days

Felt the worst dysphoria of my life

Back on hrt

Not looking back anymore <3

[777horns333rats]

Pausing HRT

Hello! I havent been on this blog for a while because I have been going through a wild bout, hormones have been really making my emotional state pretty drastic, I suspect it’s because of spiro, which i will get into later.  I decided to pause my MEDICAL transition. This was a hard decision to make, because I was conflating the need for medical transition with the identity of being trans. I am still a woman, and I am still trans. I realized that HRT was something I jumped into very quickly, as I had the thought process of “Well I’m going to do this eventually, so might as well start now.” Which works for a lot of people! I just figured out that while I am still emerging as a woman I find that going through moments of questioning, I would rather pause my medical transition in order to take a look at everything objectively.  It was really distressing for me to question weather or not hrt was good for me at this point in my life, because i was conflating that question with weather or not i was a girl. This was a really important distinction for me to make because i really do know I am a girl and that i am trans and nonbinary! Those facts of myself were honestly never questions, my questions were more regarding how I was planning on going about HRT and possible future surgeries, and what that was going to look like for myself.

I still don’t think HRT is necessarily wrong for me, I just think I took in a lot at once, and not familiarizing myself with my womanhood and what that means for me. I really thought that if I wasn’t on hrt, i was somehow less valid as a trans woman, which just isn’t true! Working through this with a gender therapist, and taking this break to just make sure I am going through my transition at my own pace will make me feel much more confident if/when I do start hrt again, and i find that it makes me euphoric to realize that hormones aren’t what make me a woman and its okay to take a step back and take everything at your own pace!

so yeah hopefully I’ll be posting here again soon, and I can update y’all a little bit on how this is impacting me, I for the most part do intend on going back on hormones at some point down the line, but enough self reflection caused me to realize that it’s just much more of an undertaking than what i was fully prepared for right now and thats completely valid! :)

[777horns333rats]

Hello again

1/11/2021

I left this account for a little while because I started to think this account was specific to trans content. Then I remembered it's my account and I can write about whatever I want. Today I'm thinking about nostalgia.

I get nostalgia over random things, colors of leaves, the whirring of a car engine, aggressive in volume but calm in its incessence, the drops of rain clinging desperately to my window. I try not to get too caught up in these things, but I find a calm presence in noticing them.

It makes me think about impermanence. It's something I've really been confronting, because it's something I think I've been really scared of. The ground I put my feet on in no way promises I am safe on top of it, nothing promises itself to you permanently, including yourself. Eventually we will die, and it could happen at literally any moment. It's starting to feel less like something I need to fear, however, even though my body's engrained instinctual reaction is to fear it.

I've been more examining this constant state of uncertainty as a neutral state, as everything is in a sense neutral, and if we choose it to be, it is beautiful. It's odd that we reside here knowing at any moment we could die, and still we go out and do things, still we choose to move, I choose to believe that is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes what comes after scares me. It's hard to think of whatever form of afterlife there is, or what lack of one there is, but I like to believe in true, physical love. One day my bones and skin will sink back into the earth I emerged from, and I shared what I could in my borrowed time, and in my borrowed body.

[777horns333rats]

Grateful

12/27/2020

I just feel so in love with the world sometimes. In love with the world and my friends. Today will be good, tomorrow may be hard, but for now today is good. I will love today with as much force as I can, and I will love tomorrow too, hard as it may be.

[777horns333rats]

Week 1 on HRT!

12/22/2020

Hello!

So it’s been a week and I guess I don’t have much to self reflect on, mostly that, while I never want to say 100%, I am 100% sure this is the path I’ve been destined to go on. I honestly just wanted to track a few things I’ve noticed bc it’s really helpful for me when other people do that. Also bear in mind I started on injections, I notice ppl who start on pills seem to have slightly slower pacing so some stuff that’s happening for me I didn’t expect to happen for once, just be patient remember ur mileage varies.

Physical!

I already notice the “layer of fat” i guess people say appears under skin, mostly in my face but also in my arms legs and butt ;) but I also notice my palms are just super smooth. I remember taking my gloves off at work and rubbing my palms together and I just realized how smooth they were out nowhere and I honestly got kind of emotional. Smooth feminine palms lol.

Also for boobies stuff (skip if u don’t want detailed booby information) ! I’ve already noticed my nipples are changing positions I guess? Just pointier and a little larger, they look almost like nipples u’d see on boobs I guess. They are pretty sore but so far it’s not as annoying as I expected, im bracing for the worst of it though.

Mental stuff!

My mindset hasn’t really changed much tbh, which I was really expecting that to change. I mostly feel just baseline relief, but I’ve also been working full time so I haven’t gotten a huge amount of time for reflection. I also noticed mood changes definitely, I haven’t cried yet like other girls said they did when they started hrt. I only get unreasonably angry at well pretty much everything. I’m kind of starting to like this side of myself though, before I came out I was very reserved and never really spoke up for myself or argued with anybody, just kind of quietly nodded along. Now shit does not fly with me anymore. If I feel some way about something I let people know, no matter how unreasonable. So part of it is probably me being more comfortable and another part is probably hormornal anger, bc I do still find myself overly angry at certain things.

Other than that just really really good :) looking forward to week 2 :)))

[777horns333rats]

First day on HRT

12/16/2020

Tw: dysphoria, general trans stuffs

Hello. I partially thought I would quietly leave this blog for a while, as my drafted posts kept getting progressively more depressing, and less hopeful. I thought I was going to start HRT a week ago, but due to some odd circumstances, it was postponed for another week. It was weird how the week leading to my original HRT date was filled with grappling with my own doubt, but the second I realized I was going to have to wait even a week longer, I was filled with pure dread and disappointment. My drafts on here were reflecting that, and it was just kind of unproductive to lament on all of my pained experiences.

However now, everything feels different.

It’s kind of weird to explain, I had heard stories of people feeling a sense of relief, and I guess I wasn’t sure until now exactly what relief feels like. It kind of feels like nothing, and kind of like everything. It’s a general sense of rightness, a sense that I know I’m headed down the path I’m meant to go down, which oddly, in a way doesn’t really feel like anything? I’m guessing it’s just because it feels so natural that the relief isn’t quite so noticeable, but I can’t help but remember that I’m on hrt and just smiling to myself.

I guess I’ve just never felt so sure. I’ve never felt so calm, collected, and so sure of myself. I know who I am and what I want, this is going to be a wild confusing bumpy ride, but I have never been more confident that I am so entirely capable of going through it and feeling light years stronger after.

Never ever wait to be yourself, never compromise yourself for anybody.

[777horns333rats]

HRT, Fear, Joy, Doubt, Love, and Joy again

12/09/2020

Tomorrow I have my HRT appointment! I’m excited, nervous, and excited again.

I think I don’t hear a lot about doubt and nervousness from the trans community because there’s already a lot of stuff trans people have to deal with, but I hope to make it candid and clear because I don’t want to shy away from anything. Even though I am beginning a transition, I know there are going to be times where I’m likely feeling uncomfortable, as I am somewhere on the nonbinary spectrum. I’m trying to tackle my fears and my doubts because I’m noticing which inner voices are keeping my best interest in mind.

I know HRT is going to be the right decision for me because I try to think about the two possible options, one where I do not start HRT and one where I do, and my feelings become pretty clear when I visualize both.

Whenever I get nervous about starting HRT for whatever reason, I imagine a life without it, and it causes me nothing but major stress and anxiety, while the other path brings me nothing but peace calm and joy.

I guess the reason it’s so hard for me to let go of my past is because I’ve been living in it for so long, and I kind of won’t really have the facade of a male identity to hide behind, I will be living my true authentic and honest self, which while it is something I need to do, is very scary!! I’ve learned to hide so much of myself that I’ve started finding comfort in it, and I guess I may be missing the comfort of hiding a little bit, but being my authentic self and truly connecting with people is really where my priorities are.

I guess you just do what you have to, you feel the fear, you engage with it, and then you figure out what is really in your best interest and follow that and move on.

Sending love and peace to all of my beautiful lovely trans friends. Being trans is so beautiful, never give up no matter how scary <3

[777horns333rats]

trans OCD, doubt, and the internet

11/30/2020

tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems

today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me to “google tocd.” what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous. 

doubt is something i’m very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasn’t necessarily “im in the wrong body” but more “something is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.” the thought “am i transgender” was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought

“no, you aren’t transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people don’t question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you don’t want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldn’t want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.” (i haven’t transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isn’t really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things like “if you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesn’t care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!” which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.

after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i don’t necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but i’d be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where i’ll think, “what the fuck am i doing?” i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isn’t about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where i’ll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, it’s easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.

here’s where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the question “am i transgender?” feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, or “becoming transgender,” and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept reading “for transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.” this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.

i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesn’t impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what i’ve found. 

i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didn’t feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.

living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, there’s very little reason to panic.

heres a link to the random quora answer that helped calm me down, i recommend you read it if you are having any anxieties : https://qr.ae/pNikpp

[777horns333rats]

slowly giving less fucks

11/25/2020

15 days till my hrt appointment! i’ve been feeling pretty good the past couple of days, my parents have been really good about not misgendering and my mom even took me to get new clothes. ive been listening to good music and feeling pretty euphoric. when it comes to trying to remember a lot of things the past kind of feels like an empty traumatic void i guess, which is weird considering i didn’t feel that way while i was living through it, gives me hope for the future. 

i am however becoming slightly increasingly aware of how i am perceived in public. i’ve started to see parents making sure they block their kids from me, and been getting random stares. it doesn’t really bother me honestly, because in a way im realizing theres no other option, considering how happy i am otherwise. the stares and the judgement are annoying, but its their fucking problem, and not mine, they can figure out their bigotry on their own accord, and i will continue to chase love and happiness wherever i can find it.

feeling self assured but im still cautious in recognizing that this alone will not grant me happiness, and i am trying to make sure im staying focused on my other goals. im becoming more invested in school and my projects on that front (which is majority writing) and this is really a nice feeling! im also staying focused on music, both listening and creating. i hope to work on a remix album with my friend, and i am wanting to work on an ambient something or other on my own. not for anybody to listen to necessarily, more for myself.

idk i guess im really starting to understand the shifting unstable nature of regular life, when not always clouded by an overarching indescribable feeling that everything is wrong. its making everything else a lot easier. feeling very optimistic and full of love.

also did some research, and im gonna ask my doctor about injections rather than pills, this is kind of a note to self, i didn’t know there was such a difference. either way i’m excited for hrt! 

[777horns333rats]

dwindling before hrt

11/22/2020

today i scheduled an appointment to start hrt, i am so beyond excited and grateful that im going to be able to do this. now that i got that out of the way, a lot of being trans just inherently kind of sucks. 

my appointment is for the 10th of december, which is relatively very close, but it couldn’t seem any further away honestly. i feel like i’ve waited too long and my soul is slowly dwindling away until the day ill be able to start. of course this doesn’t make me any less of a woman, but the waiting has allowed time for my dysphoria to really set in. i think ive been so excited about realizing im a girl that i havent had any time to actually check in and internalize the fact that i spent so many years not being true to myself, that i spent so many years not on hormones, that i spent so many years letting testosterone run my life and the way ive grown. that’s sort of why even a few weeks feels like an eternity. its been long enough and i dont want to wait anymore.

i don’t want this to be too upsetting though, im looking up things i can do to make me feel better, but none of them truly relieve any of my anxiety except for actually literally stopping testosterone from doing any more damage. im also noticing im sort of beginning to dissociate more again, which is getting annoying. weirdly i associate my dissociation with identifying as male, so its bringing me back to doubt a little bit, its sort of a sick twisted monster cycle where the dysphoria makes me dissociate, then the dissociation makes me doubt weather or not im trans. im hoping things do end up feeling better after i start hrt. at least when i felt like this before i came out it did just feel so incredibly hopeless, and now theres at least hope.

altogether im annoyed, impatient, tired, oddly angry, anxious, but im still made of love and hope. i know ill get through this. thats something i couldn’t say before, and that has to count for something.