#-the pain because it was nearly over?
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ello
#anaesthetic does wonders for my skin which has always been weird to me#now onto the shitty stuff because i woke up during the surgery TWICE and after the second time they didn't bother give me something to numb#-the pain because it was nearly over?#and they did procedures on me. 1 - grab samples to see how far the cancer has spread and then#2 - cut out said cancer based off the results#because the last 2 operations they didn't cut it all out#but the real kicker here is they didn't wait for results and operated anyway#and therefore they potentially didn't get it all again and i'll need surgery again and today was a waste#anyway i started crying on the surgery table and couldn't stop and i was so fucking angry and tired#how have i been fucked over and over again like this like what the actual fuck is happening#it's like there's no communication or plenty of miscommunication#not just between me but the doctors too#the last few months have been so surreal like i feel like it's all a dream and can be undone because wtf. I don't feel human
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Horse Meshi. Delicious, in Horse.
#dungeon meshi#laois touden#marcille donato#senshi#chilchuk tims#Anne II#I am over a week late to make this relevant but dear god I love the kelpie chapter.#if not for the several layers of foreshadowing then the reveal that nearly everyone in the party is a passionate horse lover.#Truly the best part of dungeon meshi is the sheer love of horses each character has. Fantastic equines by Ryoko Kui.#Chilchuck gets to be a little wary given what goes down in the bicorn chapter.#Rest in peace Anne I and Anne II. You were beautiful horses.#The pain I felt upon re-reading dungeon meshi and realizing that Senshi called the kelpie Anne...Hurts bad!#By the way I have strong feeling about MLP AU with these characters - but I would like to assert that Senshi is earth pony coded#and chilchuck is pegasus coded. I was struggling to draw my vision and went with whatever my pen chose.#Laios is a griffin because...come on if he made a MLP AU of his friends he would be nothing else.
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there's something sooooooo heartbreaking about quests as a narrative piece. you set out on this journey to rescue someone or defeat a great evil and along the way you face hardship and horror and you grieve and fight and love and lose and then when it's all over you come home. everything is the same as when you left, but you're so irrevocably different that you no longer fit in the one place you used to be truly at peace. you're tired from your journey but you find no rest or recovery, only ghosts. and you almost wish for another quest, another dangerous mission, because at least then you know your purpose.
#hi sorry i just rewatched the lord of the rings trilogy and im in A State#its just. the concept of leaving your home with your 3 friends to go on a quest for something you don't understand.#you're all plucky and full of life and hope.#and then you're beaten down and nearly killed and you don't know if anyone's still alive or if you're the last of your friends left.#and you suffer. oh do you suffer.#and when the battle's over and it's time to come home you don't recognize the person you were when you left.#you're too traumatized and haunted by everything you've seen; everything you've suffered; everything you've done to survive#and you're a ghost in your own home because nobody from your hometown can understand.#and it's so painful and you're so so tired that when you have a chance to move on to leave your friends behind#for the sake of getting some goddamn peace ...#well what else can you do but take it?#im just oughoughoughoughough#this applies to both frodo and bilbo i think#the dichotomy of the scene where bilbo is Leaving the shire (running and shouting for joy because he's going on an ADVENTURE!)#and when he returns (beaten down and grieving and lost. a stranger in his own home.)#literally makes me gnawwww#im feeling some kinda WAY#winter speaks#tropes#on knights#<- rich inner world
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Anyone else with dysautonomia/POTS/Orthostatic intolerance/anemia/low iron etc watch shows and see someone casually stand up and just start walking and go “man, how unrealistic. Didn’t even have to reach for a wall or anything” and then realize that that’s just the normal way people stand up?? Most people don’t experience briefly blacking out every time they get up???
#watched top gun and when the new guys were called to attention from sitting#I flinched because I assumed someone was going to smack their head on the table from getting up so fast#and watching grey’s anatomy today someone got up out of a transfer wheelchair and walked to their car without nearly falling over#disability#chronic illness#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#me/cfs#orthostatic intolerance#dysautonomia#fibromyalgia#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#migraine#pots#MCAS#hEDS#EDS#my orthostatic tolerance is still zero#I am always dizzy
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anyway if you're as weirdly invested in these barely dimensional characters as I am, this scene will give you at least a bit of emotional damage
ref image:
#the cabinet of dr. caligari#doodles#I'm sorry but like#I can't get over how much everyone is hurting here???#like francis has completely devoted himself to avenging alan's death#to the point where he completely disregards what just happened to jane#and they only have each other left now that alan's gone#and it's gotta be so painful for jane too. like she was just kidnapped and the first thing her best friend says#is that he doesn't believe her??#because he's so focused on solving the murder of his other friend??#like what do you even say#and even dr olsen over here. like his daughter was nearly taken from him#and he watches as her friend- whom he trusted- hurts her like this immediately afterwards#nobody here is doing okay#I think about this scene all the time ngl
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i can just feel that my computer is about to kick it. firefox makes my cpu usage jump from 10% to 70% just by loading a single page.
#its either that or programs these days are becoming too powerful for my nearly 15 y/o pc.#it's annoying!!!!! it makes me want to cry because what if my computer just. Stops. i cannot afford to fix it.#a decent pc (for what i need) is going to run me 1.5k Minimum.#even if i get a job Tomorrow it's going to take me a fucking year to be able to afford that shit between groceries and rent.#AND i have to pay my mom back for the fucking $13k in dental shit. (not her fault (obviously))#THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. to fix my teeth so i can get my fucking hearing back and so i'm not in constant fucking pain.#i hate this fucking country. i want to go back in time and kill ronald reagan 30 times over.#i want to bring him back to life just to torture the shit out of him. beat him within an inch of his life. fix him up. and do it again.#wash rinse and repeat until *i* die.#i want to go back in time so i can beat ronald reagan's head into a foamy red pulp.#i want to treat ronald reagan like those beat-up dolls. fling him around a small room. throw grenades at him. hit him with a fucking nuke.#anyways i'm going to stop blabbing about all the ways i would kill ronald reagan and i'm going to seethe over my computer becoming a brick.
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MOTHERFUCKERS I AM GOING TO SURVIVE THE WEEK FROM HELL 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#officially past the half way point in exams#got rejected from the job i interviewed for on Tuesday which is a pain because ive wasted so much revision time on job applications#hmmmm#but i have my 5th exam of the week tomorrow and thank fod#its the easiest of the lot because im so tired#then 3 days to prepare for an exam on Tuesday which could be a bit of a disaster tbh but that's what these three days are for#and then nearly 2 weeks until the nightmare exam from hell which i hate but have time to sort out hopefully#oh my god i can't wait for this to be over#im at that point in a Mentor Pilot video where he goes 'and now things are going to start happening really quickly'#(about the critical moment in a plane crash where things often go wrong/ get out of control very quickly)#but the plane is still in the air i still getting it done#not fantastically but its getting done all the same#rambles
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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I am being a little mean and laughing at mutant apocalypse raph 😔 sorry
#tmnt#tmnt 2012#tmnt fanart#tmnt raph#tmnt donnie#oodle doodles#conceptually#him thinking that he is the only one left (at least for a short period of time) and losing his mind is NOT funny#it is in fact devastating#but knowing that two of his brothers were completely not dead#and the third only technically died but turned out alright is kind of funny 😭#it feels like that thing where you have a total freak out because it feels like the world is falling apart#and you have no control over anything#but then like….moments later you realize that things aren’t nearly as bad as you thought they were#and you kind of didn’t need to get as upset as you did#anyway sorry raph your pain is valid 🫶
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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.
#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid#and im trying really hard#im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on#the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend#and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously#it's okay it's okay it's okay#also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it#also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay#getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting#better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it#it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time#the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out#im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay
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so far I’ve only had to deal with one, but I hate hate hate those small chairs at school with the built in desk
#I asked my prof for an alternative and the only other fat person in class asked too#the prof seemed like eager to help so I’m cautiously optimistic#because I was in so much pain the rest of the day#mind u it was my first class yesterday#but besides that and the terrible terrible pain.. I had a pretty great first day#and this is coming from someone who usually barely gets over 500 steps a day on a good pain day#yesterday I had nearly 6000!!!!#i feel so free
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the worst part of doing this analysis is i have all the scripts in front of me. but as a guy who doesnt normally look for scripts, i was kind of struggling to find things outside of the unaired pilot so poked around some threads and. inexplicably theyre all on genius.com. its a nightmare world for ME
#twist rambles#thrones posting#you dont even wanna know the level of scary notes comparison im doing over a 3 minute scene. why i cannot do this for characters im already#insane over because it would change my brain permanently. and i need to be brave. like idk again i love adaptations bc the changes are#always interesting to look over. like i really think the hexer as a w.itcher adaptation is a great example of a show that fleshed a LOT out#compared to the source material (guy that loves when characters get in depth backstory moment) but its just... idk its all interesting doin#comparisons. i love taking notes forever <3 i love noticing parallels forEVER and gr.rm does so so nice w that. like theres so much early#book 1 that is like oh. ok thats way more painful from where im at rn nearly done w book 2. augh.#sorry im the scary 3 am poster right nowwww but its genuinely so baffling to me that its just. on genius. ok.
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also shoutout to the hospital for sending us a bunch of PDFs with information about preparing for surgery and what to expect, except the information was all generic stuff where most of it does't actually apply to wisdom tooth removal, so I had a huge panic attack where I nearly threw up because a bunch of the stuff mentioned in there is extremely triggering for us, only to then find out that stuff literally doesn't apply anyway, but now I feel like I have even less of an idea of what to actually expect because it's so hard to figure out which information does apply
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#emetophobia tw#the thing is one of the PDFs is actually specifically for us and has our name in the file name and has been edited to be the right info#but it's only for one specific thing while all the other information about what to expect is just generic stuff#which makes it even more confusing because it gives the impression that it's all specific to this surgery when it isn't#also it's 13 fucking PDFs and we're supposed to read through all of them#but I managed to skim over like 2 paragraphs from one of the generic ones before I started panicking so hard I nearly threw up#(I tried to read the others while already panicking and you can imagine how this went)#it would be nice if people could fucking communicate with us clearly about what's going on#instead of whatever the fuck this is because now we've had multiple instances of being confused as fuck because nobody explained shit#and also if medical professionals could actually fucking understand how medical trauma works and maybe work with us#to figure out how to make this less distressing so we don't have to keep dealing with panic attacks like this#we're not freaked out by the procedure itself. it's a bunch of the other stuff around it that probably doesn't seem like a huge deal#a lot of it feels very dehumanising and like we don't get a say in what people do to us#and there are lots of little things you can do to make us feel less like we're in control and less like we're being dehumanised#but nobody does that and they don't seem to get why certain stuff would be distressing#also the kind of panic attacks we have with this are ones where we don't seem to be able to calm ourselves down#we literally have to use the ''shove an ice cube/something really spicy in your mouth'' trick when we have them#because our brain will not fucking stop and then we spend the next couple of hours really dazed and struggling to process anything#and obviously I don't fucking want that to happen in a hospital because nobody is gonna handle that well#I'm concerned the nurses won't understand how dissociation works and will keep refusing to let us go home#because of us being really spaced out and woozy from the dissociation because they'll assume it's from the sedation instead#when going home would be the thing that would help us stop being so spaced out because we'd be leaving the triggering environment
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ohhhh u know what i wanna write. need to, even. very important to do it at some point. but i think i really do need to make the doctor have a meltdown. i think that would be very cathartic to put them through.
#whump but autism flavored. for me.#i mean i imagine that he has been having them just off-screen when the worse adventures are over#can keep it together as long as he’s running because he can focus on something else and. then when he is not it all hits at once.#the doctor curled on the tardis floor because he can hear her engine vibrating through it and its the only sensation that isnt causing him#physical pain to experience at the moment#i need him to go thru some shit okay. never enough fics in the autistic doctor tag on ao3#skmeone remind me to outline this in the morning. gotta pick which doctor to do it to. which companion to be with him.#i am feeljng ten & donna but that could change#oh on that note: thinks about 14 having meltdowns about. ‘normal things’.#local man who has saved the world a thousand times suddenly finds out that grocery store lighting is intensely stressful and makes him want#to cry. despite all contradicting evidence that this is happening to him is a good thing.#means he’s recalibrating slowly to allow his body to be upset by things like that rather than pushing all of it down to be set off by#the world nearly exploding or someone he loves getting hurt. instead he can get overwhelmed by small things and feel safe that if he reacts#to that. nothing bad will happen to him while he’s having a meltdown. ohhhhh donna bringing him a weighted blanket because he went to hide#in his tardis after comjng home and not saying a word to anyone…..#okay im done i swear im done.
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jobs will say they're disability friendly until you actually need them to be friendly about your disabilities
jobs will say they're mental health friendly until you actually have to miss work for it
jobs will say they support you taking time off until you actually do it
capitalism is a sham and employers do not and will not ever care about you, and if you're chronically ill, sucks to suck
i have an average of 1.5 absences a month and i'm tardy an average of twice a month, and somehow that's still too much.
18 absences in a year if i go at the current rate. 18. out of the 208 days total that i work (4 on, 3 off, with a 3 hour commute each direction.) 18. days. of absences. and that's too many.
and god forbid i be more than 15 minutes late.
#it's because we're horrifically understaffed#animal rescue is understaffed and underpaid and burnt the fuck out#but where else am i gonna go#back to retail? my body can't take that anymore#a decade of 8 hours a day on my feet has quite literally crippled me#i called out today because i dared to have fun over my weekend and my hip pain flared so badly that i couldn't put weight on it#i should stay home and rest it tomorrow too#but i'm not#because my boss already texted me today to inform me that my absences are “alarmingly too frequent” and “becoming problematic”#i took fmla for a month and a half last year because i couldn't handle existing#i've been back for 3 months#my shelter laid off 15% of our staff within a month of me returning#critical teams were cut entirely#and my team#the adoptions team#has seven people total#that's not enough#that isn't NEARLY enough#not for an animal shelter of our size and animal volume#that's why me calling out is “problematic”#because HR won't greenlight us for more positions#because of a problem THE CEO caused by driving us into the ground financially#and if i leave i have to start all over somewhere else#i have to wait a year to be eligible for fmla at a new job#i lose my benefits#i don't even know if i could FIND a job#the market is awful and i will literally collapse if i have to work a standing job again#i made it six months at my last one#because i was so dizzy and in so much pain all the time#undiagnosed issues of course
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while november 20th did cause me irreparable damage it was much less than i expected and i think there should be more. look it hurts when canon has a bunch of angst but it hurts more when canon SHOULD have a bunch of angst but DOESNT.
#i say shit#persona 5#WHERE is the. sojiro being really worried because he didnt know. where is the completely glossed over fact that joker probably has several#broken bones a concussion and is high on experimental and probably illegal drugs and has been tortured underground for A WHOLE DAY then had#to remember their elaborate plan while high on drugs had his whole life riding on whether or not he could remember it and VERY NEARLY FORGO#but no. he comes back and sojiro mentions being worried but BARELY and ryuji just throws his arm around him like he isnt probably in extrem#pain and really out of it because sae had to keep him awake and conscious in the interrogation room and as soon as they get back theyre all#just like. yeah hey dude do you wanna go into another palace tomorrow? takemis messages if you have her confidant maxed literally seem to#show more concern for him than anyone else?? and hes just perfectly fine even though there is NO WAY he is#and you cant even tell them youre not fine when they ask you. its just “it isnt a big deal” which is so. man get therapy#there was so little pain compared to what i was expecting. well. time to continue scouring ao3
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