#-the pain because it was nearly over?
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Burning Rotten Bridges
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mianmian#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#JGY is nothing but outwardly calm and carrying on his duties as the chair for the meeting#but in that small pause after Nie Mingjue commemorates Mianmian for leaving...you can feel the tension.#Because Nie Mingjue comes from a place of privilege. He's always been in a position where his legitimacy and political standing-#-were never challenged. He didn't have to fight for respect. He was born into this world respected.#For people like Mianmian and JGY who clawed their way up from the bottom...this is a huge deal.#Truth be told I have a lot of things to say about what it means and feels to be in a position where leaving is messy.#There are times where the situation is bad but to leave means that those years of your life will have been for nothing.#That all the other suffering incurred will be fruitless. So you just *keep going*. Because it *has* to be worth it.#Because going back to what you were before is even more terrifying than the hell you are boiling in.#My concrete example for this is post-grad academia.#Because that cohort will have spent over a decade pursuing a goal and leaving means...well...it means throwing away those years.#It means losing (likely nearly all) your connections. It means going into debt you'll never pay off.#It means putting up with some pretty heinous abuse from your supervisor because what are you suppose to do? Leave?#Leaving is for those with the privilege to have options.#And even if you do have options...#Ultimately we would rather love the pain we know than risk the unknown. Hoping it's worth it one day.#With that mindset established; never say JGY should have just left like Mianmian. He couldn't. This was what he dedicated his life to.#He never had the option. Even if it seemed like he did - no he did not. He never conceived this ending ever happening for himself.
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid I definitely didn't edit and cut this comp up myself I definitely didn't add the stupid ass music myself stupid stupid stupid I definitely found this online and just took it from there dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb I want to banish him to sitting in a corner permenatly he doesn't. Shouldn't. Get. Take him OUT of the driver seat of my brain he doesn't need to be there he d9esnt get a say in this take away his seat at the table gone removed out of this he doesn't get rent free, in fact he has to pay the most massive fee conceivable and I know that if I said this out loud I'd probably sound exasperated and a little breathless and fumble my words and groan and sigh and huff and make incoherent things to where I almost sounded upset but really with each muttering and long sigh there'd be a hint of .nof. of ....mfif8fifuidis soossssssssom.ssson.mthibg. something.mor.e.more. something more. Than that. The way someone sighs when walking past the bakery section of the grocery store and trying to pretend and act like they don't want it. They sigh and mutter that they don't need it but you can hear it and see it in their expression. Alas. This is over TEXT. And clearly I. Have been nothing but oh so the upmost convincing in my endeavors that. Scrolls back up. Scrolls back down quickly. Blankley stares at my keyboard. I want to slam a plank of wood sideways horizontal-motion across the back of his head.
#using every last ounce in my being to not answer that ask from the ask game about him.#“for whoever youre thinking about most right now!!!” my brain has been d9ing some hard pingponging but.#today.ghhhhhrhrrhhrugguigigughhruhhgggg#today he. I run away Loney Toons style where a cloud of dust in the shape of me is all that remains.#I actualt have a second cli0 i want to talk about but nay. not. yet. im already in shambles judt doing this one.#im so. DISGUSTTINGLY not not in love with him. that it makes eberythint i feel about him worse.#im extra freaked out about him and what he would think about me because i extra care about him and.#Im still in that stage where I. have uet to pro0erly wrap my mind around the idea of the. feeling being reciprocated.#I got the hang of it lately with Aziraphale and Crowley. so I've been so kuch gorgeously free-er to imagine many rhings with them.#And to talk about them a bit m9re freely.#But gee this is. this is like. like. im Sisyphus or something. aka that onr greek guy sentenced to pushing a rock up a hill for enternity.#And any time it neared the top it rolled back down.#VET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!@@! Shaking my head until he pops out lleasirrhusd88s7dye#plucking him out with a pair of tweasers i just.#youre giing to hear me say all this verbatim nearly anytime i mention him for a good while but. my goodness.#He's got me so nastily messed up he needs to atone to his crimes. at least i. at least I dont want to hit him square in the face anymore.#I would be a liar if I said it hasn't gotten better. but i swear smoke just starts pouring ojt of my head.#hello everyone. here is the biggest prime example of where I break so hard that my brain shuts down into insults.#this isnt denial this is just a failure to convince.#i almost want to start another epipsde but it is late and I fear qhat I may come across and dont wanna upset myself this late at night.#But at the same time like i said i have gotten a bit better about it. I'm not. not every thought i have about him anymore is etched in pain.#As my first few posts may have indicated. where I got so grossly upset I had to wip up some technical vent art over it.#Im not getting as chronically upset im jus.t MAN WHYS IT SO HOT IN HERE.#nono guys im. naturslly like this. my hands are always sweaty. huh? what? no. forget about that. ehat are you? a lawyer? go away. shoo.#i gotta quit before i run out of tags to rven add his tag. which i should also obliterat.e#Doctor🤎💙#i hope he chokes on his next drink for making me feel like this.
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i can just feel that my computer is about to kick it. firefox makes my cpu usage jump from 10% to 70% just by loading a single page.
#its either that or programs these days are becoming too powerful for my nearly 15 y/o pc.#it's annoying!!!!! it makes me want to cry because what if my computer just. Stops. i cannot afford to fix it.#a decent pc (for what i need) is going to run me 1.5k Minimum.#even if i get a job Tomorrow it's going to take me a fucking year to be able to afford that shit between groceries and rent.#AND i have to pay my mom back for the fucking $13k in dental shit. (not her fault (obviously))#THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. to fix my teeth so i can get my fucking hearing back and so i'm not in constant fucking pain.#i hate this fucking country. i want to go back in time and kill ronald reagan 30 times over.#i want to bring him back to life just to torture the shit out of him. beat him within an inch of his life. fix him up. and do it again.#wash rinse and repeat until *i* die.#i want to go back in time so i can beat ronald reagan's head into a foamy red pulp.#i want to treat ronald reagan like those beat-up dolls. fling him around a small room. throw grenades at him. hit him with a fucking nuke.#anyways i'm going to stop blabbing about all the ways i would kill ronald reagan and i'm going to seethe over my computer becoming a brick.
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MOTHERFUCKERS I AM GOING TO SURVIVE THE WEEK FROM HELL 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#officially past the half way point in exams#got rejected from the job i interviewed for on Tuesday which is a pain because ive wasted so much revision time on job applications#hmmmm#but i have my 5th exam of the week tomorrow and thank fod#its the easiest of the lot because im so tired#then 3 days to prepare for an exam on Tuesday which could be a bit of a disaster tbh but that's what these three days are for#and then nearly 2 weeks until the nightmare exam from hell which i hate but have time to sort out hopefully#oh my god i can't wait for this to be over#im at that point in a Mentor Pilot video where he goes 'and now things are going to start happening really quickly'#(about the critical moment in a plane crash where things often go wrong/ get out of control very quickly)#but the plane is still in the air i still getting it done#not fantastically but its getting done all the same#rambles
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Horse Meshi. Delicious, in Horse.
#dungeon meshi#laois touden#marcille donato#senshi#chilchuk tims#Anne II#I am over a week late to make this relevant but dear god I love the kelpie chapter.#if not for the several layers of foreshadowing then the reveal that nearly everyone in the party is a passionate horse lover.#Truly the best part of dungeon meshi is the sheer love of horses each character has. Fantastic equines by Ryoko Kui.#Chilchuck gets to be a little wary given what goes down in the bicorn chapter.#Rest in peace Anne I and Anne II. You were beautiful horses.#The pain I felt upon re-reading dungeon meshi and realizing that Senshi called the kelpie Anne...Hurts bad!#By the way I have strong feeling about MLP AU with these characters - but I would like to assert that Senshi is earth pony coded#and chilchuck is pegasus coded. I was struggling to draw my vision and went with whatever my pen chose.#Laios is a griffin because...come on if he made a MLP AU of his friends he would be nothing else.
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we're just lying now?
#dont fw naruto fans they dont watch the show....tf you mean because jiraiya was dead and sakura was lying??#jiraiya died nearly 80 episodes earlier. the pain arc is over . sakuras lie did not get anywhere close to that violent of a reaction#sasuke was already a criminal so why not just say that it was because of the idea of sasuke dying?????????#finn.txt
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Finally properly sobbing after not being able to cry all day is such a great feeling
#long distance is actually so terrible I’m dying over here#you might be like ‘anne you’ve been in an ldr for three years now how are you not used to it?’#and the answer is that the pain gets worse every time! and the most annoying thing is that usually it peaks the first night apart and goes#easier from there; but if my mental health is bad enough in other areas it will stick around for up to two weeks which I can already tell i#happening. so that’s good#and as you may remember from me posting about it; things were a little rocky for a while because of my OCD as well as me just being a#terrible person. not really; I need to speak to myself with kindness#but also I think I’m just a bad person. like just through and through not a good person#not that I really think good or bad people exist it’s just everyone does some harm and some good and you can’t nearly divide that into good#or bad#or at least that’s what I tell myself when I think back on the shitty things I’ve done#which is a lot.#but long story short my idiocy did not cause them to dump me even though they easily could have#anyway fuck I just miss my partner and it’s unfair they’re not holding me in this moment#now I just have to keep making amends and working on myself so I don’t do it in the future. I didn’t cheat if anyone’s wondering; I feel#we’re gonna call later anyway so hopefully that will help. and I do feel better for sobbing#like that’s always my assumption when other people blog like this lol#apologies for the tag rant but it is my own post lol#this isn’t even mentioning my academic stress because that does feel secondary to the everything else#because I think I get like a camouflage worry where my brain will tell me I’m freaking out about school#but really it’s a cover for the really painful stuff underneath#anyway. this too shall pass and no emotion is forever and I will see my partner again and we’ll have a long life together :-)#anne speaks
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I am being a little mean and laughing at mutant apocalypse raph 😔 sorry
#tmnt#tmnt 2012#tmnt fanart#tmnt raph#tmnt donnie#oodle doodles#conceptually#him thinking that he is the only one left (at least for a short period of time) and losing his mind is NOT funny#it is in fact devastating#but knowing that two of his brothers were completely not dead#and the third only technically died but turned out alright is kind of funny 😭#it feels like that thing where you have a total freak out because it feels like the world is falling apart#and you have no control over anything#but then like….moments later you realize that things aren’t nearly as bad as you thought they were#and you kind of didn’t need to get as upset as you did#anyway sorry raph your pain is valid 🫶
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The chronic pain has been so fucking bad lately
#And usually colder weather is easier on me idfk#Had a full blown panic attack that my beloved saw...#Not the funnest of times.#But yeah its getting so bad I don't know how much longer I can just. Work. In general#I wish I could take a walk and bring my cat along because she loves being in a harness and going outside#I wish I could swim in the summer#I wish I could go a day without pain shooting through half of my body and I have to brush it off & any thoughts of it being a heart attack#I'm so fucking tired these days#I need to do so many things still. I have comms from months ago I still need to do. I feel like I can't hardly work on art#Without having a full blown meltdown because I've lost so much skill over the years#I've watched my life slowly deteriorate in regards to my health and every result from doctors come back as average or exceptional#Idfk what to do any more#I turned in disability papers in MAY and its still months away from being fully processed l#And is likely to get a no from the first time l#How do I survive another year like this. This past one nearly killed me#I desperately need help and I have no idea where to find it#My poor girlfriend has been getting a short straw for a while regarding how we split payments and god I wish I could#Do so much more. She deserves comfort and so do I.
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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.
#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid#and im trying really hard#im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on#the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend#and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously#it's okay it's okay it's okay#also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it#also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay#getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting#better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it#it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time#the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out#im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay
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so far I’ve only had to deal with one, but I hate hate hate those small chairs at school with the built in desk
#I asked my prof for an alternative and the only other fat person in class asked too#the prof seemed like eager to help so I’m cautiously optimistic#because I was in so much pain the rest of the day#mind u it was my first class yesterday#but besides that and the terrible terrible pain.. I had a pretty great first day#and this is coming from someone who usually barely gets over 500 steps a day on a good pain day#yesterday I had nearly 6000!!!!#i feel so free
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the worst part of doing this analysis is i have all the scripts in front of me. but as a guy who doesnt normally look for scripts, i was kind of struggling to find things outside of the unaired pilot so poked around some threads and. inexplicably theyre all on genius.com. its a nightmare world for ME
#twist rambles#thrones posting#you dont even wanna know the level of scary notes comparison im doing over a 3 minute scene. why i cannot do this for characters im already#insane over because it would change my brain permanently. and i need to be brave. like idk again i love adaptations bc the changes are#always interesting to look over. like i really think the hexer as a w.itcher adaptation is a great example of a show that fleshed a LOT out#compared to the source material (guy that loves when characters get in depth backstory moment) but its just... idk its all interesting doin#comparisons. i love taking notes forever <3 i love noticing parallels forEVER and gr.rm does so so nice w that. like theres so much early#book 1 that is like oh. ok thats way more painful from where im at rn nearly done w book 2. augh.#sorry im the scary 3 am poster right nowwww but its genuinely so baffling to me that its just. on genius. ok.
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also shoutout to the hospital for sending us a bunch of PDFs with information about preparing for surgery and what to expect, except the information was all generic stuff where most of it does't actually apply to wisdom tooth removal, so I had a huge panic attack where I nearly threw up because a bunch of the stuff mentioned in there is extremely triggering for us, only to then find out that stuff literally doesn't apply anyway, but now I feel like I have even less of an idea of what to actually expect because it's so hard to figure out which information does apply
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#emetophobia tw#the thing is one of the PDFs is actually specifically for us and has our name in the file name and has been edited to be the right info#but it's only for one specific thing while all the other information about what to expect is just generic stuff#which makes it even more confusing because it gives the impression that it's all specific to this surgery when it isn't#also it's 13 fucking PDFs and we're supposed to read through all of them#but I managed to skim over like 2 paragraphs from one of the generic ones before I started panicking so hard I nearly threw up#(I tried to read the others while already panicking and you can imagine how this went)#it would be nice if people could fucking communicate with us clearly about what's going on#instead of whatever the fuck this is because now we've had multiple instances of being confused as fuck because nobody explained shit#and also if medical professionals could actually fucking understand how medical trauma works and maybe work with us#to figure out how to make this less distressing so we don't have to keep dealing with panic attacks like this#we're not freaked out by the procedure itself. it's a bunch of the other stuff around it that probably doesn't seem like a huge deal#a lot of it feels very dehumanising and like we don't get a say in what people do to us#and there are lots of little things you can do to make us feel less like we're in control and less like we're being dehumanised#but nobody does that and they don't seem to get why certain stuff would be distressing#also the kind of panic attacks we have with this are ones where we don't seem to be able to calm ourselves down#we literally have to use the ''shove an ice cube/something really spicy in your mouth'' trick when we have them#because our brain will not fucking stop and then we spend the next couple of hours really dazed and struggling to process anything#and obviously I don't fucking want that to happen in a hospital because nobody is gonna handle that well#I'm concerned the nurses won't understand how dissociation works and will keep refusing to let us go home#because of us being really spaced out and woozy from the dissociation because they'll assume it's from the sedation instead#when going home would be the thing that would help us stop being so spaced out because we'd be leaving the triggering environment
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ohhhh u know what i wanna write. need to, even. very important to do it at some point. but i think i really do need to make the doctor have a meltdown. i think that would be very cathartic to put them through.
#whump but autism flavored. for me.#i mean i imagine that he has been having them just off-screen when the worse adventures are over#can keep it together as long as he’s running because he can focus on something else and. then when he is not it all hits at once.#the doctor curled on the tardis floor because he can hear her engine vibrating through it and its the only sensation that isnt causing him#physical pain to experience at the moment#i need him to go thru some shit okay. never enough fics in the autistic doctor tag on ao3#skmeone remind me to outline this in the morning. gotta pick which doctor to do it to. which companion to be with him.#i am feeljng ten & donna but that could change#oh on that note: thinks about 14 having meltdowns about. ‘normal things’.#local man who has saved the world a thousand times suddenly finds out that grocery store lighting is intensely stressful and makes him want#to cry. despite all contradicting evidence that this is happening to him is a good thing.#means he’s recalibrating slowly to allow his body to be upset by things like that rather than pushing all of it down to be set off by#the world nearly exploding or someone he loves getting hurt. instead he can get overwhelmed by small things and feel safe that if he reacts#to that. nothing bad will happen to him while he’s having a meltdown. ohhhhh donna bringing him a weighted blanket because he went to hide#in his tardis after comjng home and not saying a word to anyone…..#okay im done i swear im done.
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