#-the pain because it was nearly over?
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#anaesthetic does wonders for my skin which has always been weird to me#now onto the shitty stuff because i woke up during the surgery TWICE and after the second time they didn't bother give me something to numb#-the pain because it was nearly over?#and they did procedures on me. 1 - grab samples to see how far the cancer has spread and then#2 - cut out said cancer based off the results#because the last 2 operations they didn't cut it all out#but the real kicker here is they didn't wait for results and operated anyway#and therefore they potentially didn't get it all again and i'll need surgery again and today was a waste#anyway i started crying on the surgery table and couldn't stop and i was so fucking angry and tired#how have i been fucked over and over again like this like what the actual fuck is happening#it's like there's no communication or plenty of miscommunication#not just between me but the doctors too#the last few months have been so surreal like i feel like it's all a dream and can be undone because wtf. I don't feel human
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Burning Rotten Bridges
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mianmian#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#JGY is nothing but outwardly calm and carrying on his duties as the chair for the meeting#but in that small pause after Nie Mingjue commemorates Mianmian for leaving...you can feel the tension.#Because Nie Mingjue comes from a place of privilege. He's always been in a position where his legitimacy and political standing-#-were never challenged. He didn't have to fight for respect. He was born into this world respected.#For people like Mianmian and JGY who clawed their way up from the bottom...this is a huge deal.#Truth be told I have a lot of things to say about what it means and feels to be in a position where leaving is messy.#There are times where the situation is bad but to leave means that those years of your life will have been for nothing.#That all the other suffering incurred will be fruitless. So you just *keep going*. Because it *has* to be worth it.#Because going back to what you were before is even more terrifying than the hell you are boiling in.#My concrete example for this is post-grad academia.#Because that cohort will have spent over a decade pursuing a goal and leaving means...well...it means throwing away those years.#It means losing (likely nearly all) your connections. It means going into debt you'll never pay off.#It means putting up with some pretty heinous abuse from your supervisor because what are you suppose to do? Leave?#Leaving is for those with the privilege to have options.#And even if you do have options...#Ultimately we would rather love the pain we know than risk the unknown. Hoping it's worth it one day.#With that mindset established; never say JGY should have just left like Mianmian. He couldn't. This was what he dedicated his life to.#He never had the option. Even if it seemed like he did - no he did not. He never conceived this ending ever happening for himself.
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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last time i got an irl writing critique there was one moment of pretty mild body horror and the universal reaction was "oh i'm nauseous. well done" so now i'm writing my next chapters like. gotta turn that up to one thousand :) sorry devin.
#the intimacy of someone perching on your legs and carefully unraveling strands of parasitic bullshit from your actual open spine w tweezers#best thing i've done is give devin healing magic that lets them sustain regular massive organ damage except make things heal wrong.#your skin is scarred and warped all over because the holes clot immediately no matter the size and the new flesh is never quite right#the torn muscles knit new fibers together to bridge the gaps with no regard for their usual shape#god help you if you need that muscle to stretch or flex or bend properly. you either do months of PT to regain function#or you rip the limb apart again and keep it stretched while it heals itself#nearly every day your magic fragments another nerve and the pathways never quite connect right#numbness in the fingers difficulty closing the fists a constant unbalanced borderline-lurch in the gait#paralysis from spinal damage is only a temporary possibility but the pain of a miswired CNS makes paralysis preferable#your blood is always sort of septic but also always sort of cleaning itself. if it bleaches bits that are supposed to be there oh well!#original fiction#devin#horror#body horror#autoimmune tag
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Anyone else with dysautonomia/POTS/Orthostatic intolerance/anemia/low iron etc watch shows and see someone casually stand up and just start walking and go “man, how unrealistic. Didn’t even have to reach for a wall or anything” and then realize that that’s just the normal way people stand up?? Most people don’t experience briefly blacking out every time they get up???
#watched top gun and when the new guys were called to attention from sitting#I flinched because I assumed someone was going to smack their head on the table from getting up so fast#and watching grey’s anatomy today someone got up out of a transfer wheelchair and walked to their car without nearly falling over#disability#chronic illness#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#me/cfs#orthostatic intolerance#dysautonomia#fibromyalgia#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#migraine#pots#MCAS#hEDS#EDS#my orthostatic tolerance is still zero#I am always dizzy
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anyway if you're as weirdly invested in these barely dimensional characters as I am, this scene will give you at least a bit of emotional damage
ref image:
#the cabinet of dr. caligari#doodles#I'm sorry but like#I can't get over how much everyone is hurting here???#like francis has completely devoted himself to avenging alan's death#to the point where he completely disregards what just happened to jane#and they only have each other left now that alan's gone#and it's gotta be so painful for jane too. like she was just kidnapped and the first thing her best friend says#is that he doesn't believe her??#because he's so focused on solving the murder of his other friend??#like what do you even say#and even dr olsen over here. like his daughter was nearly taken from him#and he watches as her friend- whom he trusted- hurts her like this immediately afterwards#nobody here is doing okay#I think about this scene all the time ngl
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one odd thing about going deeper is that I'm no longer satisfied with shallower. and that's, weirdly enough, a net positive. I've self harmed - eh, twice? in the last month. both were well into the criteria that should have got sutures and ignored it; suspect I hit a vein once and was extremely close to muscle, which feels kind of odd. yeah, it's ramped up; yeah, there's a lot of blood and all that kind of stuff. very high risk of infection, potential nerve damage and all that kind of stuff (though I have not got either of them; I scared off an infection that wanted to hang round by chucking quantities of alcohol on it). but at the same time. that's only twice. that's a lot better than previously.
#tw sh#the one from a fortnight ago. which i have told nobody irl about including the person to which i showed the first one. is still thinking#about healing and not really doing it yet. it'll get there. might have to wear a bandage or smth on placement#if we were going into winter i would think there was a serious concern of doing it a bunch more but for now i know i absolutely cannot#because it will be visible.#i mean it already will but im gonna pretend it was from months ago and hopefully deflect questions about just how i got such scars#actually the one that i think approached muscle is surprisingly close to healed and probably going to scar surprisingly little#the other one is simply too fresh still to know how it'll scar#should've taken progress pictures to monitor healing but was too scared others would accidentally see it#didn't want to traumatise folks#honestly was genuinely tempted to take one (1) photo of the more recent one and post on my secret sh tumblr but i talked myself out of that#anyway im fine#personal#puddleglum hours#yesterday dad hugged me and patted my arm and it was LITERALLY directly on top of the fresher one but i was able to Not flinch#fun fact: when you go that deep it is in fact Less painful than a few layers shallower#which i found to my own concern the first time and was freaking out thinking id done something nerve-related#anyway yes i really am fine prommy#fessed up to my doc about self harming anyway#and technically unless muscle is involved it is clinically described as superficial#(fat layer is the one where they will nearly always consider sutures necessary but some shallower will be dependent on how much they gape)#but also because of how much blood there is every time you kinda have to spend longer making sure you're not gonna bleed all over everythin#so that also stops me bc oh it's nearly midnight i cannot devote like two hours or three to making sure i don't wake up in a puddle of bloo#(hyperbole)#anyway in some ways i find this funny. probably should be vaguely concerned. but eh
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i can just feel that my computer is about to kick it. firefox makes my cpu usage jump from 10% to 70% just by loading a single page.
#its either that or programs these days are becoming too powerful for my nearly 15 y/o pc.#it's annoying!!!!! it makes me want to cry because what if my computer just. Stops. i cannot afford to fix it.#a decent pc (for what i need) is going to run me 1.5k Minimum.#even if i get a job Tomorrow it's going to take me a fucking year to be able to afford that shit between groceries and rent.#AND i have to pay my mom back for the fucking $13k in dental shit. (not her fault (obviously))#THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. to fix my teeth so i can get my fucking hearing back and so i'm not in constant fucking pain.#i hate this fucking country. i want to go back in time and kill ronald reagan 30 times over.#i want to bring him back to life just to torture the shit out of him. beat him within an inch of his life. fix him up. and do it again.#wash rinse and repeat until *i* die.#i want to go back in time so i can beat ronald reagan's head into a foamy red pulp.#i want to treat ronald reagan like those beat-up dolls. fling him around a small room. throw grenades at him. hit him with a fucking nuke.#anyways i'm going to stop blabbing about all the ways i would kill ronald reagan and i'm going to seethe over my computer becoming a brick.
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MOTHERFUCKERS I AM GOING TO SURVIVE THE WEEK FROM HELL 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#officially past the half way point in exams#got rejected from the job i interviewed for on Tuesday which is a pain because ive wasted so much revision time on job applications#hmmmm#but i have my 5th exam of the week tomorrow and thank fod#its the easiest of the lot because im so tired#then 3 days to prepare for an exam on Tuesday which could be a bit of a disaster tbh but that's what these three days are for#and then nearly 2 weeks until the nightmare exam from hell which i hate but have time to sort out hopefully#oh my god i can't wait for this to be over#im at that point in a Mentor Pilot video where he goes 'and now things are going to start happening really quickly'#(about the critical moment in a plane crash where things often go wrong/ get out of control very quickly)#but the plane is still in the air i still getting it done#not fantastically but its getting done all the same#rambles
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📒
#listened to a podcast on commonplace books last night and realized that many people do not actually use...a book#which was perhaps something of an obvious revelation but it remains revelatory to me#two of the guys in the discussion use physical note cards and one uses evernote (or did four years ago) so I thought 'huh'#'maybe I'll try evernote'#cut to me checking out four different cloud-based note-taking systems because evernote doesn't allow for nearly as much personalization#--with their free version as they used to#all that to say I then opened up The Problem of Pain to copy over the sections I've highlighted anddddd there are a lot more than I thought#the reason I really really want to get into this system is I want a way to organize my various trains of thought#so I can carry on a coherent discussion if the need arises#but also the one guy who uses the cloud-based system also has a whole section of his commonplace dedicated to quotes from friends and famil#which 1) reminded me of Kate always keeping a quote book for her various trips#and 2) reminded me of all of the quotes I've saved over the years from friends#it's just a fun little detail#and FINALLY while discussing this they mentioned a student who received glowing feedback on an assignment and told her friend she was--#putting it in her 'flex book' -- AKA the book of things she can look at when she wants to flex on herself#which I think a lot of us creatives especially can benefit from#(I have a little collection of kind feedback I've received on my writing)#(which has come in handy lately)#so! I am once again attempting to compile a commonplace book#and telling myself as I go that there's no harm in not having started this ten years ago and I will in fact survive#if you made it this far I love you and please be sure you're drinking enough water
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Finally properly sobbing after not being able to cry all day is such a great feeling
#long distance is actually so terrible I’m dying over here#you might be like ‘anne you’ve been in an ldr for three years now how are you not used to it?’#and the answer is that the pain gets worse every time! and the most annoying thing is that usually it peaks the first night apart and goes#easier from there; but if my mental health is bad enough in other areas it will stick around for up to two weeks which I can already tell i#happening. so that’s good#and as you may remember from me posting about it; things were a little rocky for a while because of my OCD as well as me just being a#terrible person. not really; I need to speak to myself with kindness#but also I think I’m just a bad person. like just through and through not a good person#not that I really think good or bad people exist it’s just everyone does some harm and some good and you can’t nearly divide that into good#or bad#or at least that’s what I tell myself when I think back on the shitty things I’ve done#which is a lot.#but long story short my idiocy did not cause them to dump me even though they easily could have#anyway fuck I just miss my partner and it’s unfair they’re not holding me in this moment#now I just have to keep making amends and working on myself so I don’t do it in the future. I didn’t cheat if anyone’s wondering; I feel#we’re gonna call later anyway so hopefully that will help. and I do feel better for sobbing#like that’s always my assumption when other people blog like this lol#apologies for the tag rant but it is my own post lol#this isn’t even mentioning my academic stress because that does feel secondary to the everything else#because I think I get like a camouflage worry where my brain will tell me I’m freaking out about school#but really it’s a cover for the really painful stuff underneath#anyway. this too shall pass and no emotion is forever and I will see my partner again and we’ll have a long life together :-)#anne speaks
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was playing cards and drew on the sheet we were using to keep score
#library of ruina#im not doing more tags than that for this. sketches from memory on line paper 💀#its been months since i drew properly on paper i think. should do it more considering the amount of blank pages and sketchbooks#then again getting up out of bed is hard.. get tired really easy and its on free time. im already trying not to doodle on every piece of#paper that isnt supposed to be doodled on. pain#quite a bit of yan because for some reason that day i had a dream abt him? had his appearance and then started just bleeding everywhere.#the blood was all over. it didnt hurt nor was i worried so its okay. was pretty dark though. tried to spit out what was in my mouth at the#time. did not go well i ended up waking up. at least it wasnt paired w a noise bleed#also i dont draw nor write abt malkuth nearly enough. Malkuth!!!! Malkuthh!!! i think its because its harder for me to understand her as a#person. shes more different to me with how she functions. i can understand the aspect of where her agony and downfall came from but when it#comws to Her. as Malkuth. its harder for me to put it together. i really should write more and draw more for her
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Horse Meshi. Delicious, in Horse.
#dungeon meshi#laois touden#marcille donato#senshi#chilchuk tims#Anne II#I am over a week late to make this relevant but dear god I love the kelpie chapter.#if not for the several layers of foreshadowing then the reveal that nearly everyone in the party is a passionate horse lover.#Truly the best part of dungeon meshi is the sheer love of horses each character has. Fantastic equines by Ryoko Kui.#Chilchuck gets to be a little wary given what goes down in the bicorn chapter.#Rest in peace Anne I and Anne II. You were beautiful horses.#The pain I felt upon re-reading dungeon meshi and realizing that Senshi called the kelpie Anne...Hurts bad!#By the way I have strong feeling about MLP AU with these characters - but I would like to assert that Senshi is earth pony coded#and chilchuck is pegasus coded. I was struggling to draw my vision and went with whatever my pen chose.#Laios is a griffin because...come on if he made a MLP AU of his friends he would be nothing else.
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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The chronic pain has been so fucking bad lately
#And usually colder weather is easier on me idfk#Had a full blown panic attack that my beloved saw...#Not the funnest of times.#But yeah its getting so bad I don't know how much longer I can just. Work. In general#I wish I could take a walk and bring my cat along because she loves being in a harness and going outside#I wish I could swim in the summer#I wish I could go a day without pain shooting through half of my body and I have to brush it off & any thoughts of it being a heart attack#I'm so fucking tired these days#I need to do so many things still. I have comms from months ago I still need to do. I feel like I can't hardly work on art#Without having a full blown meltdown because I've lost so much skill over the years#I've watched my life slowly deteriorate in regards to my health and every result from doctors come back as average or exceptional#Idfk what to do any more#I turned in disability papers in MAY and its still months away from being fully processed l#And is likely to get a no from the first time l#How do I survive another year like this. This past one nearly killed me#I desperately need help and I have no idea where to find it#My poor girlfriend has been getting a short straw for a while regarding how we split payments and god I wish I could#Do so much more. She deserves comfort and so do I.
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I am being a little mean and laughing at mutant apocalypse raph 😔 sorry
#tmnt#tmnt 2012#tmnt fanart#tmnt raph#tmnt donnie#oodle doodles#conceptually#him thinking that he is the only one left (at least for a short period of time) and losing his mind is NOT funny#it is in fact devastating#but knowing that two of his brothers were completely not dead#and the third only technically died but turned out alright is kind of funny 😭#it feels like that thing where you have a total freak out because it feels like the world is falling apart#and you have no control over anything#but then like….moments later you realize that things aren’t nearly as bad as you thought they were#and you kind of didn’t need to get as upset as you did#anyway sorry raph your pain is valid 🫶
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