#-the pain because it was nearly over? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

emmavakarian-theirin · 2 months ago

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ello

#anaesthetic does wonders for my skin which has always been weird to me #now onto the shitty stuff because i woke up during the surgery TWICE and after the second time they didn't bother give me something to numb #-the pain because it was nearly over?#and they did procedures on me. 1 - grab samples to see how far the cancer has spread and then #2 - cut out said cancer based off the results #because the last 2 operations they didn't cut it all out #but the real kicker here is they didn't wait for results and operated anyway #and therefore they potentially didn't get it all again and i'll need surgery again and today was a waste #anyway i started crying on the surgery table and couldn't stop and i was so fucking angry and tired #how have i been fucked over and over again like this like what the actual fuck is happening #it's like there's no communication or plenty of miscommunication #not just between me but the doctors too #the last few months have been so surreal like i feel like it's all a dream and can be undone because wtf. I don't feel human

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 9 months ago

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Horse Meshi. Delicious, in Horse.

#dungeon meshi #laois touden #marcille donato #senshi #chilchuk tims #Anne II #I am over a week late to make this relevant but dear god I love the kelpie chapter.#if not for the several layers of foreshadowing then the reveal that nearly everyone in the party is a passionate horse lover.#Truly the best part of dungeon meshi is the sheer love of horses each character has. Fantastic equines by Ryoko Kui.#Chilchuck gets to be a little wary given what goes down in the bicorn chapter.#Rest in peace Anne I and Anne II. You were beautiful horses.#The pain I felt upon re-reading dungeon meshi and realizing that Senshi called the kelpie Anne...Hurts bad!#By the way I have strong feeling about MLP AU with these characters - but I would like to assert that Senshi is earth pony coded #and chilchuck is pegasus coded. I was struggling to draw my vision and went with whatever my pen chose.#Laios is a griffin because...come on if he made a MLP AU of his friends he would be nothing else.

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benevolenterrancy · 19 days ago

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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)

#svsss #bingqiu #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #lbh #sqq #i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss #the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently #and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything #it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg #as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it #everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person #each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it #at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same #and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical #because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING #aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying #but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line #anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series #i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix #i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship #bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once #bizarre #my art

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scattered-winter · 2 years ago

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there's something sooooooo heartbreaking about quests as a narrative piece. you set out on this journey to rescue someone or defeat a great evil and along the way you face hardship and horror and you grieve and fight and love and lose and then when it's all over you come home. everything is the same as when you left, but you're so irrevocably different that you no longer fit in the one place you used to be truly at peace. you're tired from your journey but you find no rest or recovery, only ghosts. and you almost wish for another quest, another dangerous mission, because at least then you know your purpose.

#hi sorry i just rewatched the lord of the rings trilogy and im in A State #its just. the concept of leaving your home with your 3 friends to go on a quest for something you don't understand.#you're all plucky and full of life and hope.#and then you're beaten down and nearly killed and you don't know if anyone's still alive or if you're the last of your friends left.#and you suffer. oh do you suffer.#and when the battle's over and it's time to come home you don't recognize the person you were when you left.#you're too traumatized and haunted by everything you've seen; everything you've suffered; everything you've done to survive #and you're a ghost in your own home because nobody from your hometown can understand.#and it's so painful and you're so so tired that when you have a chance to move on to leave your friends behind #for the sake of getting some goddamn peace ...#well what else can you do but take it?#im just oughoughoughoughough #this applies to both frodo and bilbo i think #the dichotomy of the scene where bilbo is Leaving the shire (running and shouting for joy because he's going on an ADVENTURE!)#and when he returns (beaten down and grieving and lost. a stranger in his own home.)#literally makes me gnawwww #im feeling some kinda WAY #winter speaks #tropes #on knights #<- rich inner world

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chronicallydragons · 5 months ago

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Anyone else with dysautonomia/POTS/Orthostatic intolerance/anemia/low iron etc watch shows and see someone casually stand up and just start walking and go “man, how unrealistic. Didn’t even have to reach for a wall or anything” and then realize that that’s just the normal way people stand up?? Most people don’t experience briefly blacking out every time they get up???

#watched top gun and when the new guys were called to attention from sitting #I flinched because I assumed someone was going to smack their head on the table from getting up so fast #and watching grey’s anatomy today someone got up out of a transfer wheelchair and walked to their car without nearly falling over #disability #chronic illness #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #me/cfs #orthostatic intolerance #dysautonomia #fibromyalgia #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #migraine #pots #MCAS #hEDS #EDS #my orthostatic tolerance is still zero #I am always dizzy

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sixty-silver-wishes · 2 months ago

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anyway if you're as weirdly invested in these barely dimensional characters as I am, this scene will give you at least a bit of emotional damage

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#the cabinet of dr. caligari #doodles #I'm sorry but like #I can't get over how much everyone is hurting here???#like francis has completely devoted himself to avenging alan's death #to the point where he completely disregards what just happened to jane #and they only have each other left now that alan's gone #and it's gotta be so painful for jane too. like she was just kidnapped and the first thing her best friend says #is that he doesn't believe her??#because he's so focused on solving the murder of his other friend??#like what do you even say #and even dr olsen over here. like his daughter was nearly taken from him #and he watches as her friend- whom he trusted- hurts her like this immediately afterwards #nobody here is doing okay #I think about this scene all the time ngl

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bondagebimbo · 10 days ago

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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.

and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠

I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.

I’m just. I give up.

this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭

#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive #half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass #NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone #but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her #all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed #just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one #like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no #leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate #of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it #like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for #oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow #and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks #towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else #I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey #and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense #I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too #I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted #to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest #and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long #fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest #for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days

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wetpapert0wel · 3 months ago

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i can just feel that my computer is about to kick it. firefox makes my cpu usage jump from 10% to 70% just by loading a single page.

#its either that or programs these days are becoming too powerful for my nearly 15 y/o pc.#it's annoying!!!!! it makes me want to cry because what if my computer just. Stops. i cannot afford to fix it.#a decent pc (for what i need) is going to run me 1.5k Minimum.#even if i get a job Tomorrow it's going to take me a fucking year to be able to afford that shit between groceries and rent.#AND i have to pay my mom back for the fucking $13k in dental shit. (not her fault (obviously))#THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. to fix my teeth so i can get my fucking hearing back and so i'm not in constant fucking pain.#i hate this fucking country. i want to go back in time and kill ronald reagan 30 times over.#i want to bring him back to life just to torture the shit out of him. beat him within an inch of his life. fix him up. and do it again.#wash rinse and repeat until *i* die.#i want to go back in time so i can beat ronald reagan's head into a foamy red pulp.#i want to treat ronald reagan like those beat-up dolls. fling him around a small room. throw grenades at him. hit him with a fucking nuke.#anyways i'm going to stop blabbing about all the ways i would kill ronald reagan and i'm going to seethe over my computer becoming a brick.

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hjemne · 6 months ago

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MOTHERFUCKERS I AM GOING TO SURVIVE THE WEEK FROM HELL 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

#officially past the half way point in exams #got rejected from the job i interviewed for on Tuesday which is a pain because ive wasted so much revision time on job applications #hmmmm #but i have my 5th exam of the week tomorrow and thank fod #its the easiest of the lot because im so tired #then 3 days to prepare for an exam on Tuesday which could be a bit of a disaster tbh but that's what these three days are for #and then nearly 2 weeks until the nightmare exam from hell which i hate but have time to sort out hopefully #oh my god i can't wait for this to be over #im at that point in a Mentor Pilot video where he goes 'and now things are going to start happening really quickly'#(about the critical moment in a plane crash where things often go wrong/ get out of control very quickly)#but the plane is still in the air i still getting it done #not fantastically but its getting done all the same #rambles

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lesbiansanemi · 7 months ago

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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao

#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now #because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now #and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day #we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off #but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up #and this is also something that happens multiple times a day #like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god #but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach #'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit #and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good #his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before #also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career #opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc #and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now #i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma #and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own #it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down #about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life #and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done #and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this #that has been made PAINFULLY clear #ugh this is so fucking horrendous #what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person #who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life #like explain it to me jfc

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iscreamkitty · 2 years ago

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I am being a little mean and laughing at mutant apocalypse raph 😔 sorry

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt fanart #tmnt raph #tmnt donnie #oodle doodles #conceptually #him thinking that he is the only one left (at least for a short period of time) and losing his mind is NOT funny #it is in fact devastating #but knowing that two of his brothers were completely not dead #and the third only technically died but turned out alright is kind of funny 😭#it feels like that thing where you have a total freak out because it feels like the world is falling apart #and you have no control over anything #but then like….moments later you realize that things aren’t nearly as bad as you thought they were #and you kind of didn’t need to get as upset as you did #anyway sorry raph your pain is valid 🫶

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 10 hours ago

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Burning Rotten Bridges

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #mianmian #nie mingjue #jin guangyao #JGY is nothing but outwardly calm and carrying on his duties as the chair for the meeting #but in that small pause after Nie Mingjue commemorates Mianmian for leaving...you can feel the tension.#Because Nie Mingjue comes from a place of privilege. He's always been in a position where his legitimacy and political standing-#-were never challenged. He didn't have to fight for respect. He was born into this world respected.#For people like Mianmian and JGY who clawed their way up from the bottom...this is a huge deal.#Truth be told I have a lot of things to say about what it means and feels to be in a position where leaving is messy.#There are times where the situation is bad but to leave means that those years of your life will have been for nothing.#That all the other suffering incurred will be fruitless. So you just *keep going*. Because it *has* to be worth it.#Because going back to what you were before is even more terrifying than the hell you are boiling in.#My concrete example for this is post-grad academia.#Because that cohort will have spent over a decade pursuing a goal and leaving means...well...it means throwing away those years.#It means losing (likely nearly all) your connections. It means going into debt you'll never pay off.#It means putting up with some pretty heinous abuse from your supervisor because what are you suppose to do? Leave?#Leaving is for those with the privilege to have options.#And even if you do have options...#Ultimately we would rather love the pain we know than risk the unknown. Hoping it's worth it one day.#With that mindset established; never say JGY should have just left like Mianmian. He couldn't. This was what he dedicated his life to.#He never had the option. Even if it seemed like he did - no he did not. He never conceived this ending ever happening for himself.

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bloodydevoir · 25 days ago

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Guys, I know this sounds real childish but-- please properly cherish those that you call your best friends.

#(Admittedly I had to cut ties with someone I have known for nearly a decade-- someone I have given my heart to far too many times)#(Only to have it ripped to pieces over and over)#(Someone I made this blog alongside with and)#(Honestly it's gonna take me awhile to want to come back on here-- honestly it's already a struggle to be on my Basara blog because of this #(very reason since I also made that blog with them)#(Even though JJBA is almost like a way of life for me and one of the greatest loves of my life...)#(There's just too much pain right now)#tbd

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 1 month ago

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one odd thing about going deeper is that I'm no longer satisfied with shallower. and that's, weirdly enough, a net positive. I've self harmed - eh, twice? in the last month. both were well into the criteria that should have got sutures and ignored it; suspect I hit a vein once and was extremely close to muscle, which feels kind of odd. yeah, it's ramped up; yeah, there's a lot of blood and all that kind of stuff. very high risk of infection, potential nerve damage and all that kind of stuff (though I have not got either of them; I scared off an infection that wanted to hang round by chucking quantities of alcohol on it). but at the same time. that's only twice. that's a lot better than previously.

#tw sh #the one from a fortnight ago. which i have told nobody irl about including the person to which i showed the first one. is still thinking #about healing and not really doing it yet. it'll get there. might have to wear a bandage or smth on placement #if we were going into winter i would think there was a serious concern of doing it a bunch more but for now i know i absolutely cannot #because it will be visible.#i mean it already will but im gonna pretend it was from months ago and hopefully deflect questions about just how i got such scars #actually the one that i think approached muscle is surprisingly close to healed and probably going to scar surprisingly little #the other one is simply too fresh still to know how it'll scar #should've taken progress pictures to monitor healing but was too scared others would accidentally see it #didn't want to traumatise folks #honestly was genuinely tempted to take one (1) photo of the more recent one and post on my secret sh tumblr but i talked myself out of that #anyway im fine #personal #puddleglum hours #yesterday dad hugged me and patted my arm and it was LITERALLY directly on top of the fresher one but i was able to Not flinch #fun fact: when you go that deep it is in fact Less painful than a few layers shallower #which i found to my own concern the first time and was freaking out thinking id done something nerve-related #anyway yes i really am fine prommy #fessed up to my doc about self harming anyway #and technically unless muscle is involved it is clinically described as superficial #(fat layer is the one where they will nearly always consider sutures necessary but some shallower will be dependent on how much they gape)#but also because of how much blood there is every time you kinda have to spend longer making sure you're not gonna bleed all over everythin #so that also stops me bc oh it's nearly midnight i cannot devote like two hours or three to making sure i don't wake up in a puddle of bloo #(hyperbole)#anyway in some ways i find this funny. probably should be vaguely concerned. but eh

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wizardnuke · 2 months ago

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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.

#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid #and im trying really hard #im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on #the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend #and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously #it's okay it's okay it's okay #also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it #also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay #getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting #better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it #it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time #the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out #im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay

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cherrysnax · 2 months ago

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so far I’ve only had to deal with one, but I hate hate hate those small chairs at school with the built in desk

#I asked my prof for an alternative and the only other fat person in class asked too #the prof seemed like eager to help so I’m cautiously optimistic #because I was in so much pain the rest of the day #mind u it was my first class yesterday #but besides that and the terrible terrible pain.. I had a pretty great first day #and this is coming from someone who usually barely gets over 500 steps a day on a good pain day #yesterday I had nearly 6000!!!!#i feel so free

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