#*what am I guilty for? Aside from loving you more than I loved myself?*

[leondaltons]

Feeling nothing but normal and sane about Seven Lawless and their POV scene 🧎🧎🧎

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[cheri-2047]

can you write a hurt/comfort Kaveh x reader where the reader feels insecure because they don't have any talents or passions and Kaveh reassures them that they deserve to be loved even without those, and if they want, he'd help them find something they like doing that makes them happy

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG !!! I had writers block 😔 anyways thanks for requesting :3 (idk how to title this do I just made it comfort)

Kaveh x Reader comfort

TAGS: mentions of alcohol, fluff

CHARACTERS: kaveh, mentions of alhaitham

BEFORE READING THIS:

I’m gonna make it so Kaveh and Alhaitham are still roommates, it’s just alhaitham allows you to stay over and stuff because you and alhaitham are friends too.

The scenario for this is you and kaveh were drinking and you accidentally say things you didn’t mean to say while drunk. (Alhaitham isn’t at home right now)

Lately you’ve been feeling down, but you didn’t want to tell it to kaveh because you felt like it would only make you a burden, that is until you accidentally let it all out one night.

“Cheers!”

Kaveh said, bringing his drink up to yours. You two haven’t seen each other in awhile, due to personal reasons such as him having multiple projects, but now that it’s over, you two decided to celebrate.

You two had been drinking for the past hour, your cheeks only getting more and more flushed per sip.

“Finally that project was over! That client kept wanting me to change things, it went from him saying it needed ‘minor changes’ to the point that he changed almost everything!”

Kaveh exclaimed, taking more sips from his cup.

“Anyways, how are you?”

He turns to you, noticing your flushed cheeks.

“Drunk already? Hmm… but it’s only been your third drink!”

He laughed, before noticing your sullen expression.

“Hey if you want to go to bed you can… I’ll wash the cups don’t worry”

When you didn’t stand up, kaveh placed a hand to your shoulder.

“Love?”

“Stop…stop calling me that”

He looked at you with a worried expression, gently cupping your cheek.

“What’s wrong?”

You buried your head in your arms, after taking a sip of the wine.

“You…I don’t deserve you… “

Kaveh frowned, setting his hand that was on your cheek to your shoulder.

“And what brought you to that conclusion?”

“Forget it”

You mumbled before taking more sips.

“No no please y/n, what’s wrong? Is it cause of my projects?”

The thing is, it was because of his projects, not because you weren’t spending time with him, but because you can’t help but feel like you’ll never be as talented as he is.

You hated how you made yourself feel bad about it, it’s not like kaveh said anything or anyone did. It was truly your own mind.

Kaveh noticed your silence, he felt guilty even though he didn’t do anything wrong.

“I’m sorry I’ll spend time with you more I swear! I promise y/n”

He said as I tilted your chin to look at him.

“That’s not it”

You mumbled.

“I’m not good like you… I don’t have any passions, I can’t do anything well, I don’t feel good about myself. I feel useless”

Why were you even telling him these? You don’t know. To your surprise, you kept talking.

“How could you possibly love someone as useless as I am? I can’t do anything at all!”

Kaveh set both your drinks aside.

“Please look at me”

He muttered, before hugging you tightly.

“I love you very much, I don’t think you’re useless at all. I think quite the opposite. I think you’re amazing, the way you’re so kind and caring…I love you.”

He rubbed your back comfortingly, looking at you with a frown.

“I think you’re more than enough love…”

He pulled you closer, burrying his face on the top of your head.

“And plus…there’s no rush, it’s okay, it’s everyone’s first time living…”

He cradled you in his arms

“If it makes you feel better, maybe I can help you? I know I’ve liked art since I was a kid, but I’ll do anything in my power to help you.”

He gave you a reassuring smile.

“I think you’re wonderful, I love you so much.”

To his surprise, when he looked down at you, you had already fallen asleep in his arms. Most likely due to you being drunk.

He presses a kiss to your head and carries you to his bedroom.

—

The next morning, he’s already prepared with stuff you two could try, and if you tell him that you feel bad for “wasting his time” he will always say no and that he loves you

Thank you for requesting! So sorry if this was mischaracterized or I wrote reader a bit weird 😞 I hope ure okay tho!! Just a reminder that everyone deserves to be loved <3

THIS WASNT PROOFREAD !!

[great-and-small]

hey i know this is really heavy but... My pet of 13 years was put to sleep yesterday morning and I was wondering if you have any tips on handling the loss and absence of him. My whole family is struggling really hard and I would appreciate it.

Anon I have been thinking about how to answer this and what words of comfort I can offer you in this time of grief. I have held the hand of so many people through the death of their pet and still I oftentimes find myself at a loss for words. It’s something I think about a lot, so I’m sorry that this is quite long-winded.

I was driving my grandmother to a doctors appointment a few weeks ago and she was telling me about her first dog, a Boston terrier named Guppy that she’d had since she was 8 years old. She told me that during her first year in college she received an unexpected phone call from home out of the blue. In those times, phone calls were expensive and you really only got an unscheduled call when a relative or loved one had passed away. She told me that as she was walking to the room to take the call she had prayed to God that the news on the other end of the line would be the death of her own grandmother, rather than the now geriatric Guppy who had been sick for some time. It was a call about Guppy of course, and my grandma told me she’s been guilty her whole life for wishing that a family member had died instead. She told me that she was intentionally sharing this story with me because she didn’t want me to ever feel guilty if I grieve the loss of my dog more than I do her death someday. She told me that the love of a pet is something different, and losing it hurts in a different way.

This was a morbid story with a morbid sentiment (though entirely in character for my grandma) but it got me thinking about the nature of our grief for pets. They are such constants in our lives that in many ways losing them can be harder to bear than the loss of someone who matters to you in a completely different way. My grandma didn’t love her dog more than she loved her relative, it’s just a different type of grief.

Do not let anyone (including yourself) minimize your loss, because your pet was here, they were important, and your love for them mattered immensely.

So now let me say this; I am so happy that your pet was able to spend 13 years with a family that loved and treasured them. I hope for every single one of my patients to have that safety and warmth and affection, your pet was lucky to be so dearly loved. That said, here are some little things that I will recommend to people who ask me for help in dealing with the loss of their companion.

Take things one day at a time. This sounds like a cliche and maybe it is one but I found it helped me. Try not to think about the future without your pet, but focus on getting through the day, especially in the short term after the loss. Take care of yourself and your physical needs as much as you can.

Actively grieve your pet. By this I mean, dealing with grief is hard work that cannot be ignored or put aside. Rather than shying away from memories of your pet, take the time to purposefully think about them and the life they shared with you. It hurts and it sucks so much, but there is no shortcut through it.

Memorialize your pet. This can be anything, but try to find a way to honor your pet’s memory. Make a painting, or volunteer at an animal shelter for a day, donate old blankets to a vets office in your pets name, make a rock garden, buy a fruit tree and plant it somewhere, put together a photo collage of your pet. Doing little things like this helped me more than anything else when I was grieving my dog.

Talk about them. It seems so dumb but I swear it helps. Talk about what they were like when they were little, what funny things they did to make you laugh, what it meant to have them by your side through all those years. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, but find someone kind who can listen to the stories about your pet that made them who they were.

And most of all please know that someday (maybe not soon, but someday) it will hurt less. In the meantime please be kind to yourself as much as you can.

[khaire-traveler]

For quite a while now I’ve been struggling to communicate with deities. I am fairly new so I’m not sure what’s the norm. Is it normal to be able to see them or hear them? I don’t have access to divination such as tarot so it makes me like I’m lacking communication skills compared to others. Is it like a specific feeling that just settles in your mind, knowing they’re there? Or am I just doing something wrong?

Hey, Nonny!

I know there's a lot of pressure within the pagan community to be able to communicate flawlessly with deities, and honestly, it's complete bullshit. Not one worshipper is perfect at communicating with deities, and no worshippers can speak for deities.

That being said, you are perfectly fine doing what you're doing as is. While some people can feel the energies of deities when they're around, others cannot, and that's entirely normal. You're not doing anything wrong; if anything, it takes practice sometimes. You may also be what's known within the community as "headblind" meaning you're not able to sense much or anything at all when it comes to spirits, deities, and the like. I personally know many headblind worshippers, and they're all able to love and worship their deities just the same. You don't need to be the actual Pythia - ancient priestess of Apollo who delivered prophecies directly from him - to worship deities.

Since you said you were new, I'm guessing you may also not know of other forms of divination you can try to use to communicate with deities. Oftentimes (and I am guilty of this myself), people have a habit of summarizing all divination usable for deity community to just tarot, but there are endless ways to divine! In fact, my good friend, Mae, is currently doing something where she shares various forms of divination to answer people's questions as a means of celebrating 1,000 followers. I recommend you check out what she's doing, as it can show you just how flexible and unlimited divination can really be. @madmonksandmaenads - this is her tag!

Regarding forms of divination you can try, aside from tarot, there are self-made runes (Greek or Norse), playing cards (like poker cards), Pokemon cards, pendulums, osteomancy (throwing bones), shufflomancy (using music and playlists to answer questions), smoke reading, candle wax reading, tea leaves and coffee residue, bird watching, shower steam (looking at the steam on the walls of your shower or mirror), and literally SO many other ways! The community tends to make it seem like tarot is your only option, but I promise you that you will always have access to at least one form of divination around you. The world itself was crafted and molded by the gods, so naturally, you can find their voices in everything.

I hope this helps you, Nonny. Please know that your worship and practice don't need to look like everyone else's in order to be valid. What you choose to do is what works best for you, and that's ultimately all that matters. You don't need to hear the voices of the gods themselves or see them within your mind's eye 24/7. The stories you often hear about on Tumblr and other platforms tend to be exaggerated; people only really share the most interesting parts of their worship - things that will get views and attention. Try not to feel too bad that your worship is a lot more down-to-earth than others; mine is as well. It's ok that you can't do the things others are claiming to be able to (and remember that sometimes people lie about these abilities). Nothing is wrong with you, Nonny, not a single thing.

I wish you luck on your new journey. Take care, and feel free to ask any questions that you have. 🧡

[vogelmeister]

Eurovision 2024: my experience as a fan

One thing about me is that I love Eurovision. I have all the winners plastered on my door at home, I can beat anyone and everyone at European geography. Each year for a week in May, I am people’s go to for anything and everything Eurovision, from explaining the big five to promoting my favourite songs. I willingly get up at 5am to tune in live, I have written two academic essays on Eurovision, and both essays have a sense of passion running through them where you can tell I love the topic- may or may not have been called out once on that. I knew so much about the topic that neither essay required much research. When I lived in the Netherlands, I attended Het Grote Songfestivalfeest, probably killing my seat neighbours with my singing and poorly articulated Dutch when De Diepte came on. As well as that, my friends and I took a trip to Rotterdam and visited where the contest was held in 2021. Having me, an Australian, alongside a Dutch person and a Greek, exploring Rotterdam highlighted to me exactly what Eurovision should be about. Unity. 

Being in a room of Eurofans gave me joy that is unexplainable. I just remember realising, ‘hey I found my people’

However, I always knew ESC 2024 was going to be a hard watch for me, even before the boycotts begun. About a year ago I went through a massive friendship breakup with one of my closest Eurovision friends, and their villianisation of me meant that watching with them wasnt an option. I didn’t want to watch alone. That’s all I will say on that. I had a year to deal with that, anyway, and even when people were boycotting the event after October 7th, I thought, theres actually no way that Israel is actually competing this year. They surely will send something too political and get dq'd, right? Most of the knowledge I have of Palestine and Israel comes from my year 12 modern history class, which as my friend and I discussed today, was taught neutrally- and it’s not in Israel’s favour. I was there when Hatari spoke out in 2019 and did the banners, and I remember the shock and understanding what a big deal this was.

I toyed with the idea of boycotting myself. I had my reasons. I auditioned for a play, which didnt work out for me, as I was too distracted by Eurovision week to care. I was less invested in Eurovision as a whole, and I would get sleep. But in the end, I decided not to. My friend (who found out I liked Eurovision after I bitched about my ex friends not enjoying that I had other interests asides from Taylor Swift) was already coming around to watch.  I decided my mental health came first, before boycotting and before being an activist. If I could save this one piece of my mental health, I would be fine. Stupid delusional me, well she had hope. I wanted to support Joost, and the other artists who were stuck in this shitshow of a year. I staunchly boycotted Isreal’s song, I have only heard it in full once, and that was against my will. I even blocked her on Spotify. 

I looked at it all positively- this all meant I was going in more blind than ever. I bought my 2024 CD, but I also broke a lot of traditions- I didnt do my predictions like I do every year on my whiteboard, I didnt film the first semi qualifications with the caption ‘im in spain’ and put it on my story, and I hardly watched the NFs. I liked Eurovision, but this year, with all going on, I felt guilty and ashamed. I have been ashamed of being a eurofan before, but not on this level. I felt like I was trapped in a glass box, kicking and screaming at the ebu but they had airpods in. The answer was so obvious. Ban Isreal, like you did with Russia. People were harassing artists for competing, especially Olly, who I realised had no choice in the matter anyways. I ended up thinking “just get through the week, soon it will be over, and you’ll have fun with your friend.” I have never wanted Eurovision week over in my life. I just wasnt excited.  Europapa basically became my ride or die, built upon my love for the Netherlands, and the genuine good vibes of the song. Joost was charismatic, and the song had a nice story. Another one of my friends, who realised I was eurofan after I posted a video on my story where you could see my Dowue Bob poster (I have my reasons for keeping it), found a watch party and it was free. She had her drivers license so she could get us there, and my other friend and I agreed. It would be fun, I would bring my Dutch flag and my orange beanie and wear my Sam Ryder shirt. 

The first semi happened. My friend came over, we slept on the couch. I enjoyed myself, the qualifiers werent shocking though and I guessed 9/10 of them. It was pretty mid, but it was fun. The only issue was Poland being robbed and the Australian commentary on SBS being dicks to Portugal, which they backtracked in the final. It was insufferable, but the worst was yet to come.  

The second semi. I was so excited to see Joost perform and bonded with my Dutch coworker over him and his song, which honestly was beautiful. If she didnt know how much I love the Netherlands before, she does now. I did notice that when Israel qualified, all the sickness in my stomach just exited the room, as the worst that could happen, happened. But sadly, I knew it would happen. Seeing the videos, however, of Palestine protesters and the booing and shouting, despite attempts to silence us, was beautiful. It showed exactly where the fandom stood, what we thought. And my mum was even happy about Israel being treated like bullshit. 

And then shit started to go down. 

The second semi press conference. The kaarija video. Joost being followed around for propaganda content by Israel. Joost’s “why not” and throwing the Dutch flag over his head.  Marina falling asleep (queen). Bambi being dehumanised by Israel’s delegation and asshole of a commentator. Zionists kept making excuses and I got a few threats on TikTok of all places for supporting a bully manchild. Well, fuck you, at least I am not suporting genocide. It was a mess. My friend asked me for my opinions on the qualification while at work and i basically told her I didn’t want to talk about it. I looked so sad on break my coworker offered me a banana. 

“Treat Eden Golan as human! She’s only 20” I wondered, how could I? How could I treat someone as human when they were basically a puppet, a face for a genocidal nation. How could I do that when that same genocidal nation was tearing apart the one thing I loved?  Her delegation certainly didn’t treat Joost Klein as human; certainly just as another tool they could use to promote their propaganda machine. I felt sick. He wasn’t the only one. I was so proud of Joost, and I will always be proud of him, I think. What he did during the press conference after semi 2 took guts.  Normally I would be pissed at a delegation getting mistreated like this, but not today. As far as I was concerned, this was good riddance. Get the fuck out, you’re not wanted here. 

On Saturday, I started to realise I had this heavy feeling in my chest and it wasn’t leaving. I felt on edge, and yet I was a world away in Australia. I listened to “I can do it with a broken heart” fifty times on my way to work that day, confident that maybe I could power through this matinee shift without cracking. My favourite thing in the whole world was falling apart before my eyes, and it was easily avoided. I felt sick at work, there were points when I was thinking “I can’t do this.” But I could. I would. I would get through this shift. I messaged one of my friends in NL asking her how she was and she said she also wasnt having a good time, to which I confessed not wanting to get out of bed that morning because I was so sick with discomfort. 

People were continually asking my thoughts, if I enjoyed the shows, the memes were sent and I had to put on a brave face because crying over a song contest is stupid and im a coward and hate being an outspoken activist.

The final straw for me was Joost Klein getting disqualified. This would have been a devastating blow for me no matter which nation it was, but it being the Netherlands, the one country I love more than anything else, the one song that was basically my ride or die in this shitshow of a year: well it felt personal. It showed the double standards of the EBU- how could an incident, hardly worth a fine, get Joost kicked out of ESC when Israel waltzed in with a smugass grin and a kill count. If it was about Joost's parents, I hope he hit them hard. the misleading information, the lack of transparency, and AVROTROS's discomfort over the whole ordeal was the cherry on the cake and really, actually showed me in full colour who the EBU were and that they didn't give two shits, bending the rules for Eden and using everyone else as scapegoats. That Joost, or any of the other artists were not allowed to have boundaries. Instantly I messaged my friend,  and went “I am not fucking going to this watch party.” She agreed with me, the vibes would be off and probably zionist. My other friend, who was staying the night, was still keen to watch ESC. Instead of going to the livestream in Hurstville, we all  came to mine at 5am and we elected to watch together.  To finish what we started. As my friend said, “it could be the last one.” 

I saw myself witnessing the death of Eurovision.  All because someone wouldnt fucking kick out a country. When I woke up in the morning, I saw that Bambi had posted a statement saying they had issues with Israel and the delegation, and even the EBU fully admitted that Israel had broken rules. Yet where was the punishment?

I will confess the 5am start time hurt more this time around. Normally I would be bounding down the stairs, box of chips in hand, and excited to see the memes. Today, it just hurt. Dancing around to Europapa didn’t hide the emptiness in my soul about the disqualification, about the double standards enacted by the EBU this year.  The interval acts were mid. Petra talking about the rules, saying shit like “it’s apolitical” stung with irony I had never felt before. I put on a brave face and I had as much fun as I could but in reality, I was sad and angry. Wishing I had gotten into that play. That I had the guts to boycott and explain to people why. That Joost wasnt disqualified for shit Eden Golan would have gotten away with. 

After the show, I felt empty. Switzerland won, and congrats to them obviously, I like The Code. But after the shitshow of this week, all I felt was free and relieved. Israel still came top 5 and it confirmed what was sickeningly true. People still support Israel. People were still pulling the “Croatia robbed” game, unaware how tone deaf that feels in the current circumstances. It didn’t matter who won, as long as it wasn’t Israel, but it never felt like Israel lost. All I wanted to do was cry. My friend was showing me Eurovision memes probably unaware that I had been through the worst Eurovision of my life, and just wanted to cry and be left alone. No hate to her obviously but I was fucking trying to hold it together all morning, but I couldn't express my emotions on the matter. I hope AVROTROS sue the shit out of the EBU. I hope Joost gets a hero’s welcome home in the Netherlands. I hope past artists speak out. I hope Isreal gets banned. 

I will be celebrating the small wins this year. I will be streaming the artists that stood up to the ebu, streaming the ones that spoke out, and of course, continuing to support Joost Klein. I will never forget watching Ukraine sail past Israel in the televote, a win of itself. I am thankful to those in the arena that spoke out against the EBU and booed both Israel and Osterdahl.  To those who smuggled in flags, to those who refused to be silent. I will get over this, I will, but seeing the outcome of this week leaves little joy. I hope this isnt the end of Eurovision, but wherever we go now, I think a part of me did die this week.

[skaruresonic]

Remake!James is such a prick, I hate him so fucking much.

In the In Water ending, his justification for driving his car into the lake isn't that he no longer has anything to live for without Mary, but that he can't forgive himself for what he's done.

That in and of itself wouldn't be so bad---a lack of self-forgiveness is also implied in the original version of In Water. But the real odiousness lies less in what James says and more in the implications underpinning his sentiments.

Bloober cut the original dialogue between Mary and James - the scene where he admits his mixed motives, that he both hated her for taking away his life and that he also wanted to end her suffering, and where Mary notes that he looks sad despite his shame - and instead has James monologue at Mary's corpse.

What was originally a dialogue between two parties - or, more figuratively, two sides of James making equally valid points - becomes, instead, a one-sided soliloquy where he prioritizes his wishes over those of his dead wife because "you're dead anyway, what do you care."

And no, I am not kidding. Bloober has removed most metaphorical and figurative exchanges in this game in favor of a more literal, "realistic" interpretation of events.

Here, James is quite literally talking to Mary's corpse in the back seat when he says:

...and everybody clapped because omg "'Mary's corpse was rotting in the back seat the whole time' theory confirmed, In Water must be the canon ending now." shoot me.

"I tried. I really did. But I can't... I just can't go on without you. I can't forgive myself for what I've done. I know this isn't what you'd want. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. You... You're not here. Are you?"

So Mary's wishes would only matter to you if she were alive to protest, huh, James? You wouldn't abide by them out of honor for her memory or on general principle because you, idk, loved her?

You know for a fact that she wouldn't want you to kill yourself, so you're not even going to try? Your wish to die matters more than her wish to see you live? Because you didn't exactly give her a choice in the matter, either.

In fact, I'm sure Mary would be pretty angry to hear how you value life so little that you're just gonna throw away yours out of an inability to deal with your guilt. You should feel guilty, and you should have to live with that guilt and find a way to work through it, because you murdered her.

This would be a shitty thing for James to say even if Mary had died naturally, but the fact that he murdered her makes him saying "well you're not here anymore, so fuck it" a hell of a lot skeevier. He is not going to even attempt to own up to his guilt aside from a token "sowwy, I can't fowgive myself uwu"; he can't even admit the truth, that he might have done it at least partially out of resentment. The original's nuance is eroded in favor of making In Water seem more like a classically "bad" ending, when it reality it should only be one plausible ending among multiple.

There's a reason we don't just toss people into ditches once they kick the bucket because "they're not here anymore lol." Have some fucking decorum, James, you selfish bitch.

And if you, dear reader, are thinking I'm being inordinately vitriolic towards James, I'm really not, because he maintains a self-centered attitude to the various deaths he witnesses.

He has nothing to say, zip, about Maria's first death or Eddie's death. Can't even be bothered to drum up the basic decency to offer a perfunctory "Damn, that was fucked-up."

At least Original!James was horrified at the prospect of murdering a "human being" in Eddie, a horror which jostled him into wondering whether Mary truly died three years ago (hence why the letter's writing disappears from the inventory; his delusions are slowly fading away). At least when Maria died in Brookhaven, he lamented that he "couldn't do anything to help."

The way he speaks in the remake, on the other hand, centers everything around him. It's all about his image, his ego, his feelings, and rarely, if ever, about Mary, let alone others.

This is not the first time Remake!James flaunts his ego, but it is exemplative of his attitude throughout the game. Bloober characterize him as an egotistical jerk via his dialogue and general attitude, and sometimes in the things he chooses not to say even when he should. And I cannot figure out for the life of me whether that was intentional, to push some gender-essentialist Men Bad(tm) message, or if Bloober are so shit at writing that they don't realize they've made him 100x more unlikable than before.

[bigfan-fanfic]

Acrimony (Batdad Fanfic)

one shot where batdad comforts jason after he comes back to life angry, thinking his father hates him for the murders and batdad just hugs him and says he loves him very much

Hey, I LOVE writing Batdad fanfic! Leave me asks or comments if you wanna see more, or help flesh Batdad out more or what content you'd like to see!

The door opens with a bang before you can open it.

And there he stands, wearing a sleeveless shirt and sweatpants, with a gun pointed in your face, a new streak of stark white in his hair.

There's so much that has changed - every mark, every scar, every blemish - all of them have been erased from his skin, and he looks older and stronger now.

Even his eyes - the same shape but now the wrong color, green instead of blue.

Just when you start to get the twinge of fear that maybe your boy is gone, perhaps forever -

He lowers the gun, horror crossing his face.

This has all been less than a second.

Jason's horror becomes a scowl, but you notice he sets the gun out of his own reach.

"I thought you were Bruce."

"Do we really look that similar?"

"No."

Silence. He steps aside, letting you in.

"I know you're the Red Hood." you sigh. Better to get the preamble out of the way.

He freezes, deeply uncomfortable.

"Why, Jaybird?" you ask, simply.

"Why what?" he scowls deeper, bravado entering his voice.

"Why didn't you come home to us? To me?"

This doesn't seem to be what he was expecting. "Pop, I... I..."

"I missed you so much." you say, voice choked with unshed tears.

This is not what Jason knows, not the terrain he's comfortable with. Hidden weaknesses, stifled sobs, keeping your emotions in check. Your freely given affection and your ability to deal with your emotions was the biggest obstacle to your relationship and the thing he loved most once it had been overcome.

"I was angry, Dad." He says. If it had been Bruce, he could summon up all that anger in a second and use it - he could remember his reasons in a second. But with you... he feels so guilty. In striking at the father he blamed, he wounded the one he wished would comfort him. "I am angry. So much, and I... I don't know why. You replaced me... so fast."

You have anger on your face and he is shocked. "No. We never replaced you, Jay. You're our son. And nothing changes that. Not you dying, not this, not anything."

He gives a horrible, aching sound. Not quite a wail, but a release of pain he kept inside. "I killed people, Dad."

He's called you Dad for years. Longer than his biological dad who abandoned him. Longer than Bruce, who he tried it out on for a few months but couldn't quite make it feel right.

Bruce cried when Jason asked to go back to calling him Bruce. He said whatever would make Jason comfortable was what he wanted, but it killed him inside. Does Jason know that?

Bruce could barely talk when Jason died. Blamed himself. Sobbed one night wishing it had been him instead. Jason was his son.

"Jay..."

"I'm sorry. Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm still so fucking angry and I hurt so much... I still wanna kill. I wanna make people hurt so I don't have to anymore. I hate myself for feeling this way. I killed bad people, but... I'd take it all back to make you not hate me."

You cross the room in three strides and hug him. Instantly the fight drains out of him.

"I love you, Jason."

"I don't-"

"I love you, my little Jaybird. Whatever you've done, whatever you feel. I love you, and I know Bruce does too. I can't fix everything, not in one night. And I know we have a long way to go. But kiddo, we need you back. Please... come back to your family. There's never been a moment your absence wasn't felt. I need my son back."

Jason sobs into your shoulder, melting. He doesn't know if any of this can be fixed. Logically he worries that seeing Bruce will only provoke him.

But his dad is here making everything better.

And the doubts have no place when his father hugs him.

So for now, he just exists in the moment and lets himself be a son again.

[asha-mage]

              “Hurin I-“ Mat began, then cut off, gulping. What was there to say? Hurin was staring at him, steady and weathered. He had to be at least twenty- maybe twenty five- years Mat’s senior. His dark face carried deep lines that said those years had been full of worry about Trolloc raids, about children, about a wife he loved dearly and was often away from.

              Mat didn’t want to hurt him. But he would. It was one of the things he had braced himself for, when he had decided to stay at Rand’s side. To protect Rand, meant protecting his secret. No matter what that took. Mat didn’t relish the idea. But he didn’t fear it either. Maybe that was the dagger working on him still, or maybe it was something deep inside of him already: something callous that had always been there. He didn’t know, and it didn’t matter. Weighted against Rand’s life, what was the life of a stranger who got too close and heard something they shouldn’t? Hadn't Lan been ready to kill to protect Moiraine’s secrets back in Baerlon?

              But Hurin…Hurin was not a stranger. He wasn’t someone who had stumbled onto something by listening at doors or sticking his nose where it wasn’t wanted. All he was guilty of was having the misfortune of being swept up in Rand and Mat’s….whatever it was.

              Something of what Mat was thinking must have shown on his face because Hurin’s shoulders lowered and his voice softened considerably. “It’s alright Mat Gaidin. Really I-“ He shifted nervously. “It’s of no mind to me.”

              Mat frowned at him not believing that for a second.

              “It really isn’t!” Hurin insisted, touching the back of his head. “The way I see it- the Amyrlin, and Moiraine Sedai they wouldn’t have let you two run loose if they didn’t think he was safe. And besides he’s... well he’s Lord Rand! Lord Ingtar trusts him and he’s led us since we got separated from the others and- bah! Light burn me man, stop looking at me like that!” He shifted on his feet, clearly uncomfortable.

              “What makes you think the Amyrlin did set us free?” Mat said quietly. “That sister in the mountains- Adelaid- she said the Amyrlin sent her to kill us.”

              “To kill you.” Hurrin corrected. “But all that it’s… it’s none of my business.“ Mat raised an eyebrow and Hurin shrugged. “It’s not! Nobles and Kings and Aes Sedai and what not- politics, that’s your business. That Aes Sedai, she said that he’s-“ Hurin gulped.

              “The Dragon.” Mat finished for him in a flat voice. Hurin waited for more- clearly expecting Mat to confirm or deny it, but Mat kept his peace instead. He still hadn’t made up his own mind one way or the other.

              “Well, if that’s the case. Then- the Aymrlin she’s going to do what she’s going to do. The Game of Houses they call it in Cairhien- Daes dae'mar. That’s nothing I can do anything about or concern myself with.” Hurin made a gesture as if picking something up and tossing it aside. “I’m a sniffer and a thief-taker, sworn to Lord Agelmar and Fal Dara. I was given a task- run down those who did murder and theft in Fal Dara keep, and recover what they stole. That’s my duty. Right now the best way to follow it is to stay with you and Lord Rand. Knives in the dark and scheming and the like- that’s all for you and him to worry about.” 

              “And after we reunite with Lord Ingtar?” Mat said tartly.

              Hurin blew out a breath. “Light of heaven, you’re not making this easy.”

              “I am not.” Mat replied coldly. “If you’re going to betray us- betray him- I’d rather know sooner rather than later. I know you Borderlanders are all mad for duty. Well, isn’t it your duty to report all this to Ingtar and Agelmar also?” Light, Mat didn’t know what would be worse- the others learning that Rand could channel, or that the Aes Sedai thought he was the Dragon.

              “I know what it’s like to be different.” Hurin said quietly, looking away. “To be afraid of yourself. Afraid for the people you care about. Afraid you’ll hurt them without meaning to, without wanting to.” He looked up at Rand. “To wish you were strong enough to leave them for their own sake. And to not be able to.” His eyes turned to Mat. They where dark with understanding.

              Mat suddenly felt ashamed and his shoulders fell. That fear lived somewhere deep in the bones of every man. Of waking up one day and realizing: Oh. I’m a monster . Mat could imagine how bad it had been for Hurin, in the years after his talent had emerged, but before he had realized he only smelt violence and couldn’t do anything more.

              Hurin perked up suddenly, as if realizing something. “Besides- if the Amyrlin wanted Lord Ingtar and Lord Aglemar to know, she would have told them herself. I imagine the Aes Sedai would say, my duty is hold my tongue and let them sort these matters out. So that’s what I intend to do.” He extended a hand. “I know you're just trying to protect him. That’s a Warder’s duty as much as mine is tracking down thieves. So why don’t we both stay to our duties, and try and muddle through until they're done, eh?”

-- Sworn, Chapter 17: Chasm

[blueraineshadows]

Dark Betrayals Part Eleven

Sebastian 🔺️F!MC 🔺️ Ominis

Emotions are running high as the trio attempt to make a plan to escape the clutches of Marvolo. Master List of Chapters

Triggers: Marvolo Gaunt - enough said

Chapter Eleven - The Plan

"Are you feeling any better?" Daisy asked.

MC rubbed her face with her hands and nodded. Her head was still fuzzy from the firewhiskey, and her throat ached from where Ominis had squeezed it in his rage, but she was okay.

Her emotions, on the other hand, were a different story. Hung over, drained, guilty, confused... the list was growing.

She sighed and looked at Daisy. "I know I can't stay here with you, but I'm not sure I can go home either," she said. "It will take longer to get the gold together if I have to rent a room."

Daisy came to sit beside her on the bed, taking her hand. "Could you not stay with Sebastian? I'm sure he would be okay with it."

MC gave Daisy a wry smile. "More than okay, I'm sure."

Daisy grinned and squeezed her hand. "He really likes you, MC. I can tell."

"But, that feels like slapping Ominis in the face after everything else," MC said sadly. 'I regret hurting him, Daisy. I should have had better control of myself."

"Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you and Sebastian have a thing years ago? He's the boy you told me about, isn't he? The one you let get away."

MC nodded, her eyes beginning to burn. "That's him."

"Are you going to let him get away again?"

"It's not that easy," MC said. "Marvolo..."

"Oh fuck Marvolo," Daisy scowled. "Are you seriously going to let him dictate to you how to love, or who to love? If we are running, then run for something worth running to, MC."

Her heart thudded as she listened to Daisy. Would Sebastian run with them? Did she want him to? Her mind raced with the possibilities, the risks, the pain it would cause Ominis. The only way to be sure was to talk to Sebastian and find out what he thought about it all. Was it worth the risk?

A scuffle and voices came down the corridor, and Daisy's door burst open. Both MC and Daisy stood as one of the other whores appeared, flushed and cross.

"I'm sorry, I tried to stop them. They wouldn't take no for a bloody answer," she scowled.

Daisy frowned. "Who wouldn't?"

Sebastian appeared behind the whore, delicately moving her aside as he walked further into the room, his face tense and brooding. MC's eyes widened, surprised, but her jaw dropped when Ominis walked in behind him, his wand up.

"Ominis!" She gasped. "What are you doing here?"

Her eyes flew to Sebastian. "What's going on?"

The whore in the doorway was watching with interest and Daisy hurried forwards, pushing her back out into the corridor. "Come on, Livvy. Let's give them some privacy."

"But, I wanna listen," Livvy said. She whispered, but loudly. "That's Marvolo's younger brother!"

Daisy frowned. "I know. All the more reason to get out," she scolded. "Marvolo already got his eye on you, best not get in his bad books. Let's go!"

Ominis shook his head, his mouth twisted in disgust at the exchange. "Of all places to go, MC, you chose a whore house," he said.

"Don't whine too much. She could have come to me," Sebastian said with a smirk.

MC inwardly groaned and put her hand to her head as Ominis frowned. "She certainly has form."

"What do you want?" MC asked. Her head was beginning to thump and she needed a potion.

"We have a matter to discuss with you, but not here. Shall we return home?" Ominis replied.

"I didn't think I was welcome there any longer," MC said quietly. She shifted awkwardly, tucking her hair behind her ear, the memory of Ominis yelling at her to get out replaying in her mind.

Sebastian's eyes narrowed and he stepped forward, gripping her chin and tilting her head back. His eyes widened and air hissed through his teeth. "What the fuck happened to your neck?"

MC went rigid, her hand fluttering up in a pointless attempt to cover the purple finger bruises on her flesh. Her eyes flew to Ominis who flushed, his cheeks very pink at Sebastian's question.

Sebastian caught her gaze and turned, shocked. "You did this, Ominis?"

MC saw the rage darkening Sebastian's eyes, the taut look that made his jaw go rigid. She immediately grabbed the front of his jacket with both hands. "It's nothing," she said quickly.

Ominis held his wand up, moving sideways away from Sebastian. "How bad is it?" His voice shook a little.

"Just some bruising," MC said. She clung on to Sebastian who was following Ominis with narrowed eyes. "It's fine."

"It's not fine," Sebastian seethed. He launched himself at Ominis. MC cried out, stumbling a bit as she tried to yank him back.

"What the fuck did you do?" Sebastian gripped the front of Ominis' robes, MC still clinging on to Sebastian, jostled between them.

"Stop it, Seb!" She cried.

Ominis pushed back with his free hand, his face very flushed now. "I didn't mean to hurt her that much," he said. "Not that it's any of your business."

"Nobody lays a hand on her, nobody!" Sebastian growled. He shook Ominis, and MC forced herself between them, her back to Ominis, and pushed against Sebastian.

"Leave him alone!" She yelled. Tears leaked from her eyes as she looked up at Sebastian. "Please, don't do this. We had a fight, that's all. It was no more than I deserved."

"How can you say that?" Sebastian fumed. "Look at your neck!"

"A small price to pay for what we did," MC said. "I hurt him, we hurt him. It's done. Let him go."

Sebastian didn't let go of Ominis' robes, his face furious, but MC pushed against him again, pleading with her eyes. They couldn't go on like this. "That's enough," she said quietly.

He met her eyes, searching them, and slowly he let go, the anger fading a little but not completely.

As Sebastian stepped back, MC remained in front of Ominis, her back close to his chest. She could feel his quickened breaths near her ear, and then he whispered. "I'm sorry."

She turned a little and put her hand on his arm. "You said we needed to talk," she said softly. He nodded. "Then let's go."

The three of them went out the back into the courtyard behind the pub and linked arms together. Sebastian was still rigid with his temper as they Disapparated out to the house.

....*....

The little velvet box containing the Gaunt engagement ring sat on the kitchen table in front of MC. All three of them were seated around the table, MC staring at the little box, a range of emotion playing out across her features.

Sebastian watched her, curious, his chest tightening a bit when she lifted her eyes to Ominis. He was glad that Ominis could not see that look in her gaze, that anguish, that pure emotion that made envy tickle dangerously in his gut. Clearly, she still felt something for him. That look wasn't a gaze you would give just anyone.

His gaze drifted down to the choke marks on her throat, and he swallowed down his fury. His fingers flexed with the need to lash out, to smash and burn something. He hated the thought of someone laying their hands on her like that, even if she did feel as though she deserved it. Ever since she had nearly died in his arms, this protective feeling towards her had increased, despite the knowledge that she was more than capable of defending herself. Clearly, she had not fought against Ominis' choking grip.

Sebastian clenched his fist, looking down at the table top as he took a breath to steady himself. The plan had been laid out before her. Her and Daisy would run, and he was to run in the opposite direction, leading a false trail away from them. In the meantime, while the gold was gathered for their new start, MC would wear the engagement ring to keep Marvolo happy. She would play doting fiance to Ominis.

"Why are you doing this, Ominis?" She asked quietly. "Why go to all this trouble for me?"

Sebastian lifted his eyes to his old friend. It was a good question. Why would he help them to escape when they had wronged him? Ominis looked defeated as he sat on the chair, but then he straightened, holding himself in that familiar pose of genteel grace that he had.

"Because I love you," he said simply. "I would see you gone from here and safe, and this way, nobody has to get hurt."

"This isn't fair," she whispered. "I can't put you through this, Omi. Can we not stall Marvolo for a few days? Find another way to get the gold?"

Sebastian considered his idea to add a final punch where it would hurt Marvolo, but he kept his mouth shut, still unsure about Ominis being trustworthy or not. This could still be a set up.

"Why wait?" Sebastian asked. "Why not go tonight? You were planning on sneaking away without a word anyway. You might as well go ahead with that."

He was still pissed off that she hadn't mentioned her little plan to him. Considering what had transpired between them, he figured he was owed that much.

MC swung her gaze to him, a crease in her brow. "I wasnt going to leave without saying anything," she said. "I just hadn't told you yet."

"Were you going to ask me to come with you?" He just couldn't resist poking at the tension that hung in the room. He was irritated and he knew he was being awkward, but he just couldn't help himself.

Her cheeks coloured up, and she glanced at Ominis. "Is that relevant right now?"

"It is to me," Sebastian said. He leant back in his chair and folded his arms stubbornly, waiting for her answer.

Ominis tilted his head, his face unreadable. "I'm rather curious to know the answer to this as well," he said. "Tell us, MC. Were you planning on leaving with Sebastian? Or did you betray our relationship for just a quick tussle in the sheets with him?"

MC gaped, her cheeks darkening further as she glanced between the two of them. "I...I..." She stuttered. "That's beside the point. If we're doing this, Sebastian is going off separately anyway, as a decoy."

Sebastian's mouth tightened, his irritation switching up a notch. "Then I guess I know my place."

He stood, scraping his chair back from the table. His blood thrummed with frustration and rage at the whole situation. Clearly, MC did not feel for him what he felt for her. He really had been a tussle in the sheets to her. He was done with this shit.

"Let me know when you need me to be your little decoy," he snipped. "Until then, I shall leave the future Mr and Mrs Gaunt to it."

He rounded the table, forcing himself not to look at her face, because one look would break his resolve. As he strode towards the door, a long fingered hand reached out with eerie accuracy and halted his progress by grabbing his arm.

Sebastian looked down at that pale, boney hand, and then at the composed look on Ominis' face.

"Sit down, Sebastian," he said calmly. "You are not going anywhere until we are clear on the plans. Didn't you say you had something to add?"

"I'm still not convinced that this isn't a trap," he bit out. "Like MC said, why do this? You hated me before, now you have even more reason to. Why should I trust you?"

Ominis released his grip on Sebastian's arm and folded his hands together on the table top. "I don't hate you, Sebastian," he said calmly. "I merely envied you. I envied the way MC has loved you, the way she has always loved you."

A soft gasp left MC's lips, and Sebastian finally looked at her. Their eyes locked, and his heart thudded against his ribs. That burning, all-consuming blaze seemed to surround him, cutting off everything else like it always did whenever he looked at her like this.

"Tell him, MC," Ominis urged. "Tell him how you cried yourself to sleep at night over him. Tell him about the school scarf you have hidden in your dresser that you borrowed from him and never gave back."

She gaped at Ominis, shocked. "How did you..."

"That's not all, is it?" Ominis went on. "Every letter he ever sent, anything he ever gave you, it's all kept in the little chest under the bed. I know you thought you had hidden it from me, but I knew it was there. I have loved you ever since we left school, and I have known all along that I was your consolation prize after Sebastian left. I have tried to make you happy. I confess I tried to keep Sebastian from ever coming back to you, and yet here we are. You found him again and it does not surprise me that you went to him."

"Ominis," she gasped. Tears were sliding down her cheeks and she reached out across the table to put her hand over his clasped ones. "I'm so sorry."

Sebastian stood there, his mind trying to wrap around what Ominis had said. He stared at MC. All those years apart, all that time, and she had cried over him, hung on to his things. "Is...is this true?"

His voice was hoarse. It didn't sound like his own. MC sucked in a breath and looked up at him, her hand squeezing Ominis'. She nodded. "It's true," she whispered.

"And, you love her too, do you not? Isn't that what you told me while she was laying on that bed as though dead?" Ominis said. He tilted his head towards Sebastian. "You said you would never give up on her. Those were your words. So, sit down, and let's finish this. Don't let the betrayal be all for nothing."

Sebastian swallowed and nodded. Those indeed had been his words. He went and retook his seat at the table. MC reached out with her other hand, and he took it, holding it with his own and meeting her gaze. There is no need for words. Their eyes had always done most of their talking.

When his gaze moved to Ominis, he could see the tired acceptance on his face, and his heart hurt for his old friend. He looked down at the table top. The three of them were joined by clasped hands like they had once been as children, and the little velvet box sat on the table between them.

It was time to play Marvolo at his own game.

....*....

Ominis felt MC tense against him, her arm linked through his as Marvolo inspected the ring on her finger. He held his wand so that he could see the shadowy outline of his brother bent over her hand. Clearly, she did not relish the feel of Marvolo's hand on hers, and he could not blame her.

All the more reason to carry out this farce in order to avoid him laying anymore hands on her in future.

It felt strange to have MC holding on to him like this, allowing her to press close, and he kept his face neutral, barely offering up a smile. It hurt. This wasn't real. It was all make-believe. The wound in his chest was still raw, and he needed to heal. But, soon she would be gone, and so the feel of her, the scent of her, was both a torture and a bittersweet joy.

"It looks lovely on you, my dear," Marvolo said. The words affectionate, his tone of voice nowhere close. "I can officially say welcome to the family."

"Thank you," MC said quietly.

Marvolo's shadow outline moved back, and Ominis felt a large hand clasp his shoulder. "Congratulations, little brother," Marvolo said. "Mother and Father will be most pleased. We must celebrate!"

Ominis resisted the urge to groan, a sinking sensation spiralling through his stomach. "Dinner with the family will suffice, I am sure."

"Nonsense! We must make a proper show of things, Ominis," Marvolo said. "I shall ensure the two of you have only the best. A party is in order, a gathering of the Wizarding World's finest families, to celebrate my little brother's upcoming nuptials."

"There really is no need," MC said. Her fingers were now digging into Ominis' arm.

"Come now, MC. You're not turning shy on me, are you? We both know that's not the case," Marvolo chuckled coldly. "My brother is marrying a fire cracker, and I want the world to know it."

Ominis sighed. His family were insufferable indeed. "When were you thinking of holding this unnecessary gathering?"

Marvolo seemed to muse over the idea. "Let's say two weeks from now. I shall have invitations sent out immediately."

His shadow moved closer and his arm lifted up towards MC again, his voice dropping lower as he took hold of her chin. "You had best get yourself a lovely dress to wear, my dear. All eyes will be on the future Mrs Gaunt."

The rest of the meeting with Marvolo passed with tense smiles and polite discussion, and Ominis was relieved to get away from him, Disapparating with MC back to the house. As they entered, MC helped him slip off his robe, a habit mostly, and he moved away from her once she had. That was quite enough physical contact for one day, and he was feeling the strain.

"Well, that was pleasant," MC drawled. He heard her movement, caught her scent moving closer, and he backed up a little more. She paused. "Everything alright, Omi?"

He bowed his head. "I'm tired," he said. "We have done our duty for today. Perhaps you may go off to your practice earlier than usual. I would appreciate some time with my thoughts."

"Oh, of course," she said. He could hear the disappointment in her voice, but this was for the best. "I'll er...I will just go and change."

"Before you do, I had a thought," he said. She had crossed towards the stairs and he swung his wand to see her paused at the bottom step. "This party. Everyone of importance will be there, which means their attention won't be anywhere else. Perhaps that would be a good time for you to slip away, while they are distracted."

"Shouldn't I be at this party being the guest of honour?" She asked.

"Yes, we will show our faces," he agreed. "But then you will disappear into the night, and this will all be over. That gives you two weeks to earn your gold, and for Sebastian to do whatever secretive little scheme he has planned."

She hesitated. "If you think that's best," she said uncertainly.

He nodded. "Two weeks is long enough, MC. I have agreed to help you, and I will behave like a perfect gentleman in order to keep up appearances. I will even suffer your closeness with Sebastian, but make no mistake, MC. I may love you, but I haven't forgiven you, and I don't know how long it would take to achieve that, or indeed, if I ever will."

He took a moment to gather his breath after that speech and moved to sit in the chair by the fire. He could hear her breaths, laboured and pained at his words, but he had to be honest. This engagement was make believe. Their relationship was over. They didn't need to play the game in private too, it was asking too much of him.

"I understand," she said. "I'm sorry, Ominis. I shall do my best to give you your space."

Her voice was painfully polite, laced with pain. He put his head in his hands as she climbed the stairs. This was going to be a very long two weeks.

....*....

When MC arrived at the duelling pit, she was still processing what Ominis had said, her fingers nervously twiddling the ring on her left hand. Of course, he was right. In his position, she was certain she would not be so cordial in her behaviour, and her heart ached for him.

With her head down and her mind deep in thought about the next two weeks, she did not see Marvolo until he was upon her.

His hand caught her arm and she jumped, gaze flying up as he pinned her against the wall of the tunnel, his face so close she could see the glittering flecks in his dark eyes.

"Hello, little hero," he smirked. "You look very deep in thought. Happy wedding bell thoughts I hope."

Her heart pounded in her chest and she attempted to put a calm look on her face. "What else would I be thinking of?"

His smirk widened. "Don't think I am fooled by the blushing bride act," he said darkly. "I know there is trouble in paradise, and that this is not what Ominis wants. However, that ring is on your finger, which means you have accepted his offer of marriage."

She nodded. "Yes," she agreed.

"That makes you a Gaunt, MC," Marvolo said.

His grin was wicked and he tightened his grip on her arm, pressing her more firmly against the wall. She felt the flicker and pulse of her ancient magic deep in her blood and glared up at him. "Not until I say 'I do'," she said.

"Nevertheless, you are to keep Sallow's hands off you from now on," Marvolo warned. He squeezed her even harder, and she winced despite herself. His eyes burned ice cold into hers. "If I catch him touching you, or if I hear that he has laid a finger on you now that you have that ring, I will hack one of his hands off. Do you understand me?"

"It didn’t seem to bother you before," MC said through gritted teeth.

Marvolo tilted his head. "You were just my brother's bed mate before. Now you are to be his wife, the only seed going up that pussy from now on is Gaunt seed. Sallow is off limits or he loses a hand. Are we clear?"

MC felt her stomach roll and acid burned the back of her throat. She nodded. "Crystal clear," she spat.

Marvolo smiled, cold and cruel, and let her go. He dared to brush his hand against her arm, straightening the sleeve of her blouse where he had gripped it. "Excellent!" He said. "Be sure to tell Sallow the good news. I hope he isn't too heartbroken."

His chuckle followed him as he sauntered off down the tunnel, MC watching him go, fists clenched and tears of fury in her eyes. Her magic crackled and fizzed through her blood and she wished she could throw all of it into Marvolo's back as he walked away. But, for Ominis' sake, she wouldn't. She had done enough to hurt him, the least she could do was follow his request.

This was going to be a very long two weeks.

To be continued... part 12

[loveyourlovelysoul]

🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

Hello!

First of all, let me say something. I don't think that there are 5 single things that makes me (or anyone) unique per se. I see myself (and everyone really) as recipes. Idk about where you live, but here in my area, there are traditional dishes that, despite having a specific general recipe, do change from family to family (according on the specific place they developed in, their beliefs, economical possibilities but also ingredients they could use in specific times and circumstances): this made that same recipe take on unique traits that still these days made it so different despite being "the same" at the core. So imo, it's the same for us people: it's not a single trait or characteristic that makes us unique, but how they're mixed together. And the more you dig within yourself to define your own traits and characteristics, the more you'll see how special you are. For example, I'm not special because of my heterochromia iridium, because of my latex allergy, or because I like to study languages (there are so many people with different color eyes -for my same reason too-, many people being allergic to latex, and a lot of others who enjoy studying languages), but if I try to see these 3 traits together I am starting to become a more rare mix to find. And the more traits of myself I add/consider + the further I try to look at all of them too (eg. I like to study languages especially by listening to music), the rarer I become. Even "negative" traits ofc: these too add to my/everyone's uniqueness. Do you understand what I want to remind everyone here? Let's not stress on finding that special thing about us that makes us stand out cause we may just lose our mind on it and never be able to find it (especially if we tend to compare with others a lot). Let's focus on our whole self, as we should always do: even when we make a mistake or feel guilty, we're not just that mistake or thing, we're also successful, good and kind. We're just imperfect, but what's the problem? Everyone is. Look at others too as a whole, not as a single trait they show you in a specific moment/situation.

So yeah, let's jump to the second point here:

4 things I'm super passionate about and why:

photography - I think I got passionate even before I could walk. It helps me keep memories, channel my emotions, and it helps me relax and free my mind. It was there during a couple of difficult moments in my life. Photography is a very good dear friend for me, even if I kind of had to leave it aside for a while.

dogs - Had a beautiful doggo who taught me about unconditional love and always protected me. What else could I add here? Dogs just know a lot anyway. Every dog. Let them help you (love them when they come close to play, get a cuddle or lick my hands hehe).

music - Another good companion in my life. Been exposed to music all my life, been feeling it, been relying on it too during tough times. Music helps so much.

snow - I am a winter baby, and I love winter. And playing alone in the snow the whole day was my favourite pastime as a child. I used to go back home dripping in sweat and water, for the joy of everyone LOL. I also got photographed while playing once, and that photo became a painting.

studying/understanding - What's more satisfying than trying to understand what's around you, and who's around you? See their reasons, and maybe seeing things from a different point of view thanks to this? It may be a lot to deal with, it may get confusing, but if you give yourself time to get acquainted with it all, it just enriches you on so many different levels.

Yes I added 5 instead, but this way you also have 3 of my memories (number 4 is basically for this), since I actually couldn't add the 5 unique things. Deal? :)

[toriaurorawriter15]

Cold Stone

A Rucas One Shot

ToriAurora15

Summary:

'I don't want to be cold stone. But God knows I am trying.' Riley Matthews thinks with tears behind her brown eyes while she stares at the love Lucas Friar with her best friend, Maya Hart. Recently, she has decided to step aside because she believes Maya Hart deserves all the happiness in the world. Even if it means she has to sacrifice her love for Lucas. Cold Stone is a Rucas fuse fiction and will be written poorly.

Notes:

If you are following me on Twitter, then you know this story was written when I first began writing fanfiction on Fanfiction.net. I am posting to show that practice does make a difference.

Cold Stone

There they are in front of me; my best friend Maya Hart and my crush Lucas Frair. They have become the two most important people in my life. Maya has been my best friend since she came into my room through my small bedroom window. Meanwhile Lucas has been my first crush since the first day I meet him in seventh grade. No matter what happens, I would do anything for these two, and this is exactly what I do. 

During our stay in Texas; I found out that Maya had a crush on Lucas. It never cross my mind that she would step back for my happiness until we watched Lucas ride on top of Tombstone for thirty minutes. The second that cowboy from Texas got up from the ground,I looked over towards Maya’s direction before noticing the fear inside her blue eyes. Her tensed body started to relax while she gave a relief smile at him. A couple of times my brown eyes looked over Lucas then back at her before realizing her feeling for him. After congratulating Lucas for conquering his fear, I went up to Maya, and I shared a private conversation with her. We were silent at first until I decided to ask her about her reaction from earlier today but she didn’t really say anything. My mouth opens up to tell her what I believe she may feel about Lucas, and Maya just looks away from me with a guilty expression upon her face. The look on it own, is all the response I needed confirmed my suspicion about her feelings, and I felt guilty. 

It has come to my attention that Maya cares for Lucas as more than a friend, and the thoughts from receiving our yearbooks last year started to make sense. She thinks I love Lucas like brother because she wants to believe that nothing could ever happen between Lucas and I. She has finally moved on from chasing my uncle, and I know I should be happy, but I don’t know what to do about knowing her feelings. The silence between us was unbearable, and this situation has gotten to me. I wanted to cry, Instead I hold onto my tears as I told my first lie to Maya. It was a bit hard for me, but I did it. I told her that she was right for using the word brother to describe my relationship with Lucas, because that is what he is to me. My broken friend didn’t say anything about my response and I was okay with letting him go because I believe Maya deserves everything she ever wants in life. And if I have to live my life without happiness then I would. Because her happiness worth more than gaining a cold stone heart. 

A few more seconds later, I see the unofficial couple start to dance under the dark sky. Silently as I can, I watch them at a distance as I tell myself, don’t you cry. This must be done Riles because you can’t afford to be seen as the girl with the cold stone heart. I then slouch down onto one of the many rented white chairs my parents have rented for this night as the similar faces of my classmates become part of the background. 

My aching heart continues to break as my teary brown eyes continue to silently watch Maya and Lucas share their first slow dance together. My eyes stayed glued on them for a second more before making a choice and find myself looking down towards my lap. I take this time to busy by looking through my phone. My hand stumble upon all of the pictures I have of Maya, Lucas, our other best friend Farkle, his girlfriend Isadora and I on my phone. Steady as I can, I try to keep my emotions hidden. These imagines would usually bring happiness to my eyes, but today I couldn’t look at them without feeling my heart being torn to shreds. 

The voices of my classmates from John Quincy Adams Middle School are coming back to me as we spend our last night together as the new graduating class. Each one of them are talking towards each other about how excitement they are about starting the next school year in high school. I just smile at few times whenever someone acknowledges my existence as my ears listen in to their conversations Some of my classmates, such as Sara, and Darby have come up to me, and they have asked me where I was going to go to high school, but I kindly told them I wasn’t sure where I was going. Which is far from the true. In fact, I have no clue what would happen to the future, if I choose to stay in this world. Hopefully by this summer I will gain something out of life Sara and Darby take my answer into their mind and leave me alone again for the rest of the night. 

As the night goes on, my mind brings back to the day where everything I knew about my life has changed. The one moment where a certain relationship is going to put a strain between either Maya, Lucas, and I. Another painful shot grows inside my cold stone heart as I recall telling Lucas that I loved him like a brother. My memory can still see the pain inside his eyes from my lie, and, I wanted more than anything to tell him the truth, but my mind was only thinking about the broken girl who has always been there for me. As I mention before, Maya happiness is more important than mine, and I thought I was ready to step aside, but I wasn’t. And now, I don’t know how to fix this situation without hurting one of them. So I don’t do anything. Instead I have come to the realization that I may never have Lucas’ heart, and I wanted them to know that I support them with every decision. Everything after that night was going to plan until Farkle decided to tell the truth in front of everyone we know about my feelings for Lucas on New Year’s Day. It was so humiliating to be place in the spot, but I swallowed up all of my emotions, and thought about how I ended up in this position. 

After giving my friends a verbal invitation to my New Year Eve party, my genius best guy friend confronted me about my feelings for Lucas, and I tried to deny his accusations, but he saw right through me when Maya told me about her moment with Lucas the campsite in class. Farkle knew I was lying through my teeth, and there was nothing I could do to prove him wrong. In the end of our conversation, I asked from him was to not say anything about my feelings because I didn’t want Maya or Lucas to see me as some sort of selfish person, and he gave me a few more months without dealing with the situation. New Year’s eve has come along, and Farkle told me that he didn’t want me to start of the year with lies. In that moment of time, I wanted to believe he made the wrong choice of confessing on my behalf, but inside my heart, I knew he made the right choice of telling my friends the truth. 

Before my New Year's party, I had to witness both of Maya and Lucas being affectionate towards one another whenever I was around. I had to push away all of my feelings for Lucas, and it was hard. A few days past by and I still found it hard to look at their direction. Soon the fake smiles I would give them become more fake while I feel myself going numb. I try to encourage Lucas to keep on dating, but sooner than I expected, I wanted to be die, because I felt like I was still in the way of their happiness. A few months later, I told my mother about the situation, before asking her to stay a few hours, and pat me. I don’t remember how long my head was in her lap but I do recall her telling me that she needed to leave for work. My mother stayed with me for a few more seconds more before handing me over to my best friend. In those few moments with Maya, I tried to keep a brave face as she told me all the reason why Lucas needed me. I wanted to smile from what she was telling me, but I didn’t want to be seen as the girl with the cold stone heart. 

“Hey.” Farkle greets me from my left side. 

My head turns to face the tall boy with caring brown eyes, tan skin, and a small smile upon his face. I give him a heart breaking smile as I see him sitting down right next to me. Farkle gives me a comforting side hug before allowing me to lay my head upon his left shoulder as we watched our two friends enjoying the night under the stars. 

“Riles, you gotta stop this. I hate seeing you do this to yourself.” He confronts me in a painful tone. 

My mouth open ups and I confess to him, “I-I-I can’t get in between them Farkle. What will people will think of me? I will tell you! A girl with a cold stone heart because she can’t accept that her best friend is in love with the same guy as her. I don’t want that to happen Farkle. I need take a step back, and be the supportive friend they know I am.” 

“Riles, you do not have a cold stone heart.” He starts of saying with Farkle with sincerity behind each word. “Besides, no one will ever see you like that because everyone cares about you.” 

“Farkle, you don’t get it,” I respond in one breathe “If I take a stand, people are going to say some nasty things to me, and I don’t think I can be able to handle it.”. 

Farkle stays quiet for a second before commenting back, “People are always going to try to find a reason to hate someone Riles. It wouldn’t matter if you are the kindest person alive, or the meanest girl to exist; people are always going to think of another reason to dislike you, and you know it.” 

“What does this have to do with Maya and Lucas?” I ask in a soft tone. 

Farkle lets out a chuckle as he continues on. “Riles… I know a lot of people who want Lucaya to happen.” 

“Lucaya?” I state with confusion upon my face. 

“It is a ship name our classmates use to describe Lucas and Maya.” Farkle confesses. “They use it whenever Maya teases Lucas.” 

“Oh!” I respond back in shock tone. 

Farkle and I lean back into our chairs as he continues on, “Riles, what I am trying to say is… people are always going to find a reason to say something nasty about you. It doesn’t matter if you get in between Lucas and Maya, or change your personality; people are always going to have something bad to say about you. Besides, sometimes a selfless person like yourself has to be selfish once in a while, or else you will never be happy. Remember what Miss. Harper said in class? Pure Intellect, and never following your heart. It is a life unlived. So go over there, tell them how you feel and fight for the man you love.” 

My mouth opens up a bit while I try to take in everything he just said. Farkle is right. No matter what I do, someone is always going to dislike me. Plus, they don’t know me. So their comment about having a cold stone heart shouldn’t matter to me because everyone I love knows I am always thinking of others before myself. Miss. Harper is also right. I should live life to the fullest. And yet another part of me doesn’t think I deserve Lucas. 

“Farkle, I still can’t do it.” I firmly state in pain. 

Farkle turns his body to look at me, and I remove my head from his shoulder before my head could end up on his lap. I than turn to face him, and soon a pair of brown eyes looking my own pair of eyes. 

“Why?” He asks while he grabs onto one of my hands. 

“I just want them to know I am happy for them.” I respond back as I feel a few tears coming down my eyes. 

“Riles. They may never be happy.” Farkle replies back truthfully. 

I pull my hand away from him as I state in a harsh tone, “Don’t you say that Farkle. They are happy, and we both know it.” 

A few sobs come out of lips, and Farkle takes me into his arms. The second I am in his arms, I hear a pair of footsteps coming our way before hearing Maya and Lucas voices. 

“What is wrong with Riley?” Maya asks Farkle from behind me. 

“Riles what is wrong? Are you okay?” Lucas asks with concern behind each word. 

My head leans closer to Farkle’s shoulder before painfully whispering to him, “Please don’t let them see me like this, Farkle. I am begging you.” 

Farkle hold me closer to him as he states back in a calm tone, “She isn’t feeling well. So I am going to take her back home.” 

Once he finishes his statement, I feel Farkle putting me into a bride style position, and I accept his actions as I continued to listen in to their conversation without saying a word. 

“Maybe I should take it from here.” Maya states in concern tone. 

Lucas agrees with Maya by adding on, “Farkle, can you please let me take her?” 

My hands hold tighter onto Farkle, before feeling him getting up from our seats. I then feel us move away from them, and I find myself relief with the situation. Farkle doesn’t say anything for a second while he turns us around. I hide my head into his chest as I wait for him to say goodbye. 

“No Guys. Riley asked me to take her. So I will but please don’t follow us.” He states in a soft tone. 

“Alright.” Maya comments back. “I will let it go this time, but tomorrow I hope to get a answer from you guys.” 

Instantly, I find my heart speeding up as I wait for Lucas to say something, But he doesn’t, and I become numb. Slowly my heart breaks into pieces, and soon I find myself sobbing into Farkle chest again. The strong arms of childhood best friend keeps me secure in his warmth as he moves us towards the door. His feet walk down the emergency stairway before hearing him confess towards me in painful tone. “Riles, you don’t have a cold stone heart because you are everything we all need to survive everyday hardships. Your parents, Augie, your extending family, Maya, Lucas, and I love you. Please don’t ever allow this one hardship cause you from wanting to disappear We won’t be able to handle life without you.” 

After hearing Farkle’s confession, he lets out a broken sob, and we just try to comfort each other in any way we could. For the whole night, we talk about everything and we were able to make sense of the world. By midnight, I came to realize, I didn’t have a cold stone heart. Instead Farkle taught me to be selfless. He made it possible for me to learn how to put myself before others, and over the past years, he was always there to remind me that I must fight for Lucas’ love. As for the love story I had with Lucas… it became a distant bittersweet tragedy story when he went back to Austin, Texas. 

I don’t regret any of my actions from the high school because it brought me closer to my best friends. Maya and I are still the best friends. It isn’t as strong as before, but hopefully our relationship as friends can grow strong in the future. Farkle and I still make time to talk to each other by having a lunch at Topanga’s after college. But as for Lucas…I never heard from him again. 

[fairlyqualityanon]

who're your pred/prey crushes ?

totally not collecting blorbos like trading cards shhh - 🪀

Oooooof.wav

There's a ton... I'll try to organize them. Let's start with ones I've written in some form or another.

Pred - TFA Starscream (so close with that guess lmao), anyway I've got this story I've been poking at since literally 2010 (@/wolvesinstarryskies is so supportive 💖 ) and it's gotten me through some really tough times, and yes there's a vore AU... also he's how I found out about vore to begin with (long story, it's over on my Tumblr RP blog)😳, really he's just a dick to his prey and will let them go after thoroughly messing with their head unless you can come up with some bribe worthy of Future Leader Of The Decepticons

Pred - Obey Me! Mammon, idk he threatens to eat the MC and I went "YES PLEASE", I have more fun flustering him when he's a pred than when he's prey 😼

Pred - Obey Me! Beel, it's literally canon and he's a precious boy and going hungry sucks and I'd be perfectly happy to help him not be starving 🥺 I don't care if he eats regular food at the same time as long as I'm safe

Prey - Obey Me! Lucifer (yes really), because that mans is going to take a break whether he wants to or not and I think Diavolo/Barbatos would see the humor in MC taking things into their own hands (my MC's strongest/most-expressed Sin is Pride plus she ain't afraid of this old man 😤)

Switch - Deltarune Spamton, I think he'd be easier to pay to be prey than pred, and I have a thing for robots meaning SNEO defaults to pred and I will immediately yeet myself into whatever fuel container said robopred uses no questions asked 😅

Newest obsession is Solo Leveling (IncredibleEdibleCalico actually did a piece ages back) and I only remembered after watching S1 of the anime and starting the manhwa. I mistakenly bought the books and comic (Vol 1-8) but regret neither purchase. Soooo good! 😍 Anyway here they are in super rough descending order of crush level.

Sung Jinwoo - Pred, I don't know how to put it into words, he just oozes soft pred vibes where tf did he even get that rune stone??? 🤔 maybe he saves someone from a Dungeon and discovers vore is actually pretty neat, he's comically oblivious at times and cares for his minions as people ugh the glowy eye affect it makes me weak

Woo Jinchul - Switch, professional, dry sense of humor, looked Death in the eye and only flinched when he saw the Apocalypse ahead, incredibly smart and intuitive, he's my Guilty Pleasure on this list 👮‍♂️

Song Chi-Yul - Pred, I lied here's another Guilty Pleasure, I actually literally cried at the end of the manhwa, he's only a C-rank mage but teaches swordsmanship to S-ranks, tried to save Jinwoo and Joohee but was talked out of it and regrets it to this day, he is classy and I just want to spend time with him🫡

Baek Yoonho - Prey (yes really), idk something about him makes me want to aggressively demonstrate affection, don't ever tease him about it because despite being the weakest Korean S-rank Hunter HE IS STILL AN S RANK and will cut a bitch (he was ready to beat the crap out of Hwang Dongsoo for strangling his lower-ranked guildmate edit that guildmate isn't even a Hunter and that is not a Hunter you want on your bad side srsly just Do Not The Thing)😼

Choi Jong-In - Pred, he's canonically a bit of a shit-talker and gives me OM! Diavolo vibes and I love me some playful banter with preds what is it with me and people with a red theme?? 😧

Son Kihoon - Switch, he's a sweetheart and I want to snuggle him three different ways, he cares for his strike squad and was willing to set aside a chance for tremendous personal glory as well as sacrifice his whole team to keep a literal army of High Orcs from destroying a few cities 🫂

Go Gunhee - Pred, he's a total badass who gave his all to keep Hunters from basically forming a Might Makes Right society also I have a Thing for older men I am not ashamed to admit it, Song-san is up there for a reason, the man is a Gigachad who outright rigs Hunters Association assignments to keep the D- and E-ranks as safe as possible 🙇‍♀️

Yoo Jinho - Prey, because he's just a sof' boi and must be protected at all costs, maybe he'd find it interesting and like that he was sought out for him and not just because he's Ahjin Guild's vice/Jinwoo's friend 😋

I started Stardew Valley 7/14 so there's gonna be some of that eventually my askbox is open 📨 if anyone wants to gush over their own vore crushes.

Can't forget Horizon Zero Dawn! the events of the Gemini Quest are NOT canon I refuse don't even @ me I WILL die on that hill 🔪

Kotallo - Switch, he's definitely my favorite character and I just love him so dang much, he's a fearsome warrior even without that arm and a brilliant strategist and completely loyal to the good of the Tenakth tribe as a whole, having no other ambition save serving his Chief... but I also want him to sit and relax, maybe having a stomach all to himself will give him a new perspective or insight ⚔️

Milvund - Pred, I did his miniquest back when my computer couldn't run HFW for more than 5-10 minutes but he's so precious and I'm betting would be very hesitant yet also so caring just let me comfort him 😭

Racking my brain for any other major fandoms but I can't come up with any for the life of me so have a bonus Pred TFA Cliffjumper because I have an active thread with him. ... Maybe jjks? I'd have to twist canon in knots to make Sukuna a safe pred, and there's a couple others but I haven't even finished S2 of the anime and a bunch of them are minors soooo...

>>; So much time in TFA focused on That One Smug Bastard and now I'm like "how do with other 'Cons??"

[phantom-kitten]

tagged by @bloody-fate to play! tagging @ahdor, @daenerys-targaryen, and @vitri0l if they’d like to join.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ <3 ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Do you make your bed?

I do not make it per se, but I do tidy it up a bit.

Fave number?

since learning about lucky/unlucky things in childhood, my favorite number has been 13. I did adopt two other favorite numbers, my childhood friend Alex’s number is 19 and my brother-in-law’s is 22 and somehow those became equally as important to me.

What’s your job?

each day I take approximately 40 phone calls from grieving families seeking to claim the funds belonging to their deceased loved one. I work with executors, beneficiaries, widows, lawyers, trustees, and talk about death and forms and money all day. truly though, I love it.

Go back to school?

one day I will finally bite the bullet and go to mortuary school. there are so few around the country anymore which makes it difficult to just do it; it’ll involve a lot of logistical work and possibly a move to make it happen. I think about it all the time and it’s the only thing I want other than being a working musician.

Can you parallel park?

I’m so excellent at parallel parking that it’s a fault. on more than one occasion, I have gotten myself into a spot so snugly that I cannot get out.

Job you had that would surprise people?

I was the assistant manager of a gym and it was so blatantly out of character for me that even my coworkers were in on the joke. I didn’t know how to work any of the equipment and I’ve never worked out before, so I’d just mind my business and do my own thing and it was actually really fun until management changed.

Aliens real?

yes, of course, it’s not even a question for me. I’ve always believed in the unknown: aliens, ghosts, cryptids. there is so much more out there than we are readily aware of or have “proof” of.

Can you drive stick?

no, and I don’t particularly have an interest in learning.

Guilty pleasure?

no guilty, just pleasure.

Tattoos?

twenty! with appointments for more! started the day after my 18th birthday and I love all of them so much, even the damn infinity sign/anchor combo on my wrist.

Fave color?

my favorite color comes in eras. I loved the purple years, green was fun for a bit, but my favorite color right now is yellow. I looooooove yellow.

Fave type of music?

that is possibly one of the most difficult questions and I do not have an answer, whoops

Do you like puzzles?

I heart puzzles very much. my mother would put together 1,000 piece charles wysocki puzzles - always only charles wysocki - when I was a child and I started helping. as the puzzle of the moment sat completed on the coffee table for the next couple weeks, I’d disassemble and reassemble portions until I was putting full puzzles together myself. now I have my own collection of charles wysocki puzzles and my mom got me a wooden puzzle table for my apartment last christmas.

I also really love word puzzles of all kinds, as well as logic puzzles.

Phobias?

eep, I am scared of the dark and the deep ocean.

Favorite childhood sport?

childhood sport? you’ve got the wrong girl. aside from t-ball from ages 5-7 or so, I have never played a sport. No basketball, no baseball, no soccer, got Cs in gym class.

Talk to yourself?

I am my favorite friend, I stay talking to myself at all times.

Movies you adore?

I have! too many! to list! first to come to mind: like crazy, eternal sunshine, I used to go here, thoroughbreds, promising young woman, shiva baby, it follows, oculus, elizabethtown, garden state

Coffee or Tea?

I like green tea but I love a macchiato or latte more.

1st thing you wanted to be when grew up?

musician or actress, duh.

[bitetherabbit]

vent// tw sh and emotional abuse

im crying and i feel so paralyzed and i can't move from my bed and i don't feel real and i just wish someone could come to me and say "it's gonna be ok, i see you, you're going through it right now and that's ok" but nobody ever checks in! my family? even though they know what i've been through but they never ask me about it or how i'm doing. do i even have any friends? i have one close friend who asks me how i am but they're going through their own shit right now so i just avoid talking about how im really feeling so i don't burden them with it. aside from that nobody ever contacts me to just chat or anything. none of my old friends. or my online friends. im always the one reaching out but it never lasts they don't keep the convo going and it dies out again. so nothing from nobody. i have to be the one to take care of myself and i have a hard enough time doing that on a good day. another fucking day wasted. today is gone and ive done nothing except hate myself and shut down. i have so many chores piled up that need doing and with executive dysfunction on top of dissociation im just ignoring everything making it worse for myself. i was awake for 5 hours before i remembered to eat something, and now it's been 5 more hours. my awareness of my body's needs becomes even worse when i feel depressed. and the WORST part of all this is i can't stop thinking about HIM. if he didn't fucking treat me the way he did when i was growing up maybe i'd be a somewhat functional person now, instead of having to deal with my own brain sabotaging me because im stuck in a trauma response without any way to practice healthier coping strategies. and i made the mistake of reading old messages because i go through cycles of not believing what happened to me, and it's like i constantly need to prove it to myself with the evidence i still have (written words). are you happy Dad??? is this what you wanted for me??? how could someone fucking do this to a child and not be aware of it?? and people do WORSE SHIT than what i experienced! it's fucking FUCKED UP. and now i feel FUCKED UP and broken because of it. like who survives this crap and thinks "ah yes, when i feel bad now i'm gonna cut myself! that's a solution!" why is that a thing the brain does????? but rereading shit he'd say to me and knowing now how manipulative it was sometimes helps me not feel misplaced guilt, as if it's my fault for the way he treated me. i think i have such a hard time understanding and believing my trauma because there's that disconnect between: either he's aware of the abuse and is pretending to be innocent or that's just genuinely how he is and doesn't see a problem with it and doesn't realize he's guilty of abuse, and i can't wrap my mind around either when he claims he knows me and he loves me and im his kid and he wants the best for me. whichever way it is it doesn't make any sense!!!! i just wish i could forget about it!!! when i'm feeling good i don't usually think about him. but when i feel bad it's more prominent because i get in my head about the reason i am this way is because of him. this is his fault. this is his fault. i am not at fault. i was a child. i deserved better. i am safe now. he can't hurt me anymore. it's ok to cry. it's ok.

[silversiren1101]

△ Mino, most embarrassing pregnancy moment?

Invasiveness: 6/10

Minovae goes bright red beneath pale greenish scales on her cheeks. She tucks a loose strand of platinum behind her ears and awkwardly scratches at the tuft of feather on the back of her necks as she chuckles.

"Aside from all of it? It wasn't a very graceful pregnancy... As much as we love our dear daughter, we've also emphatically agreed 'never again' if only because going through the experience again might actually kill one of us."

A sigh precedes her explanation. "You see, Jesyll was so... straining... because of my delicate situation. She was born perfectly healthy, but I struggled to make it there myself. Being what I am, I have to maintain a certain amount of both chaotic and lawful energy in balance. Too much of one or the other and it throws me into all sorts of trouble. Jess, being a delightfully adorable ganzi-gnome, means she's a little bundle of chaos... my body wasn't very agreeable to her. The vomiting... the nausea... the appetite issues... low energy and weakness... It was more than just because I was pregnant. I love her very much, we both do, but struggling to carry my own child like that...", she bites at her lip and gives a soft, but weary smile. "That was humiliating. Not to mention how much doubt it gave me if I could actually do it or not... be a Mom."

She takes a moment a think, resting her chin in the palm of her hands as she gazes down into the steam rising from her mug of tea. "The most embarrassing moment though...", she askes herself absentmindedly.

A light thump sounds as her tail strikes the ground. The table rattles slightly, as do the mugs and cups and plates atop it. "Ah, I know! The migraines were especially bad in the last trimester, and you know I'm a stubborn bitch when it comes to bedrest. I was even with every issue I had, insisting on staying on my feet and doing what I still could around the Citadel... tidying up the armory, tending to the gardens, helping the armigers with their studies... It drove Regill crazy with worry, and not to mention the knights in general. Everyone was on edge with me 'on the loose', so to speak."

She smiles sheepishly, clearly a bit guilty looking back in hindsight.

"One of those migraines hit me really bad at an awkward time. It was around four in the afternoon, one of those moments where there's not a lot of active movement about the Citadel halls. The knights are kind of settled in their current tasks until dinner shifts start around that time. I felt it coming on just as I was climbing up the stairs to the third floor--far away from our personal quarters or any place with a lounge or couch or anything to collapse in--and with no one else around. I don't know exactly how long I was curled up in a very round ball in that stairwell, trying not to throw up what little I'd been able to eat so far that day and fighting back tears from the pain. I was cringing at every far off sound, hoping it wasn't someone approaching."

She takes note of how surprised you look upon her saying she didn't want someone to come find her.

"No, I didn't want to be found. I was very sensitive and stubborn at the time... and defensive. Everyone was fighting me constantly on moving around unsupervised as I was, and I knew if Regill found out what'd happened, he'd make good on his promises to confine me forcibly for both my own good and the sake of our child's. He was right, though. You know how bad things were when I had both him and Sosiel teaming up on me about my health and pushing myself too hard."

"Well, anyway. I was found, and by some poor armiger no less. Imagine you're a fresh recruit and you trip over the tail of your Lictor's very pregnant wife, curled up in a dark corner of a stairwell for gods' knows how long... and she's the Exalictor and former Knight Commander on top of that." She laughs dryly. "He ran off before I could beg him not to. Unfortunately more knights found me while he was gone looking for help... it was a big thing. Yaker was the one that retrieved me, and I could tell he was just as mad as he was worried. Scooped me up without saying much--which is impressive because I was not a lightload!--and delivered me right to my extremely furious and concerned husband who had to sit on that rightful anger until the migraine cleared enough that I could actually understand what he was saying."

Your concerned expression makes her gaze lift from where she'd been idly swirling her tea with a spoon as she recounted the tale.

"What did he say? A lot of things I needed to accept, and I really couldn't deny them anymore after that. No no, I wasn't locked away and banished to the bed, don't worry about that. I was however banned from many areas of the Citadel and put on a timetable. If no one saw me within those times it'd raise the alarm and then I really would have been practically jailed. It didn't come to that, of course. I'm stubborn, but only where it's myself involved. I was so determined not to be a burden that I had become the most stressful burden of all to every single knight in Darvhage."

She then smirks and waives off the statement.

"A title which now belongs to our little girl now. Wish I had a better inheritance for her than that, but... she's damn cuter at being a troublesome thorn to look out for than I have ever been, that's for sure."