#*points around* i cant control my obsessive thoughts

[sasoxichomoshi]

thinking a lot about goddess hunter and how it is somehow implied in the game, it's such an important concept for me you know

[spoilers ahead]

when fashioning this new look for hunter the things i kept in mind were silhouette, aesthetic and storytelling

silhouette

looking at the characters of the game all the humanoids, esp godslayer and hunter, have simple yet solid outlines, nothing wow but get the job done (godslayer is very strong in this point since he's always present with a high character/background contrast)

when doing this kind of study i just block the format of the character from different perspective poses, but for my surprise hunter already had one ingame and it has very helpful to see not how i could read hunter, but how the devs see her

she's basically boots, "skirt" and a long ponytail, pretty simple

aesthetics

this part is actually more intertwined with storytelling than i give credit for but i want to make storytelling about another more specific topic,in short the aesthetic is already established ingame

hunter is undoubtedly sided with the tall ones, so it would not be strange if her godly appearance resembled the many priests we see dead all over the island (hunter is in fact pretty much a priestess if you think about a bit, wears the spirit mask, communicates with the tall ones, is a spirit walker, and there's another aspect to it that i will discuss later)

some of them have a circular plate on the head with an eye in the center; they wear the spirit mask and have head and all face covered; they wear some kind of robe, baggy pants and simple shoes and have most part of the body covered as well with hands as exception, they also use jewellery near the mask/head and (im not sure if all of them or just some) wear a cape

(also idk if it is just a impression of mine, but the priests models feel big compared to let's say the working/simpler people, they feel >tall< which, if true, would highlight even more their proximity to the divine, the tall ones, and even explain why they are represented taller than other humans in murals)

this is where i start expanding the closet, it's a bit straight forward when thinking about what to adapt to hunter, the robe reads very similar to hunters silhouette and she also wears the spirit mask, another important aspect is that she also covers her face, the jewellery has also a nice touch

the eye plate on top of the head unfortunately dont read well nor i think speaks to hunter, the cape is no novelty and doesnt help hunter particularly (and i had a cooler idea for her hehe)

storytelling

i want hunter to reflect who she is and what she's part of, ofc most part of the aesthetic part already does this, but there's another essencial aspect, her color palette

it's has been the hardest topic so far for me cause hunter base colors dont reflect a lot? (probably i just didnt get what they mean just yet)

she is mainly black/red on what i think is a 45/45 perhaps too even proportion and white/blue on a 5/5 proportion

for my goddess hunter i take the idea of godslayer and hunter being parallels to each other very serious, so they partake in similar aspects almost all the time and "differences" occur because of correlative nature between the two (example: if godslayer has this orange accent, then hunter's should be blue (complementary))

another aspect that i consider is how divinity is seen in the island: if you give another look at the priests, you can see they are quite similar to godslayer, but plot wise what happens is the inverse

godslayer is the one that looks similar to the priests bc that's HIS (and the people of the island) reference of what is considered elevated, but he also is distinct because his divinity is distorted, just look at his head, it is twisted compared to the priests, probably based of his own view of what was godly

another little but interesting fact is the face covering, it's something that commoners dont do (not even godslayers "priests", probably because the only holy one was godslayer himself and no one else), the only ones that cover the face are the tall ones priests, godslayer... and hunter

(*cough cough* remember when i said she was implied to be a goddess? i told you)

objectively all of this represents godhood and so i wanted it to make it a big part when thinking about my hunter

eventually i reached this take (but it could have gone anywhere really): i made hunter very similar to godslayer, for a couple of reasons (ba dum tiss)

i will be totally honest to say that it was an easier approach to it cause most of the idea is already settled in an established character, so you can just take it and make small transformations, but i had other reasons too

most important, narrative parallels between godslayer and hunter, they are two characters that fundamentally are not that different, tho in the surface being almost opposite forces, and this is precious to me, so their appearances should reflect that

less relevant but also impactful is that, no matter what, this human godhood is portrayed as bad, even if it's a good person, in hunter's case; it's unnatural and should not happen (and when it happens it's an exceptional occurrence), by making hunter look like godslayer i also include a bit of this meaning too (and that in the end not even hunter is immune to corruption)

at last, all this rambling got me this result

there's still a lot of room for improvement but for early explorations i think they are enough

in short, i redistributed hunter color palette, making the black/red proportion around 15/80 and the other 5 are split between white and blue (just in the eye really) and her clothes are mostly based on the priests (bc after all she's the tall ones frend :D) and the rest is just godslayer 2.0 really

all of these fill the silhouette topic but the cherry on top came when i had the idea of using a piece of cloth to replace her long ponytail cause it's one of her main marks >:3

now i need to draw her with the moon bow to make the complete package

[dekusleftsock]

Don’t y’all love it when a popular tiktok creator is analyzing a character and interpreting it so, so wrong, and him and his dumb ass take is spreading.

Like it was one thing for you to be wrong

ITS ANOTHER THING FOR YOU TO BE WRONG AND MAKING OTHER PEOPLE MORE WRONG

If one more person says that Izuku is “underdeveloped” and that he’s “uninterested in all of his other relationships” and that he “has a power imbalance in his relationships with other characters bc they care more about him than he does them” STOP. PLEASE STOP.

A fundamental part of Izuku’s character: He is an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Most of his character is, therefore, told through SUBTEXT.

Izuku doesn’t say that he feels ashamed about his feelings for Katsuki.

But he does say that he thinks they’re gross.

Izuku doesn’t say that he thinks that Toga and her feelings aren’t human

But he does say that she is the “perfect counter to this quirk”.

THE LIST COULD GO ON.

Izuku is an unreliable narrator in a third person omniscient story (though sometimes mha acts more like a third person objective story? Anyway). That means that the way we do not understand the story is not through a retelling of what is happening to you, the viewer, unreliably—instead it is not telling you the full extent of his character and his thoughts.

To say “izuocha’s relationship is underdeveloped because it’s one sided” is NOT the same as saying “bkdk’s relationship is underdeveloped because it’s one sided”.

Izuku has always been obsessed with Katsuki. At some point the rhetoric being passed around was that it was Katsuki who was underdeveloped and uninterested in the dynamic. Now that rhetoric has been reversed since we’ve seen so much of Katsuki’s POV.

Ochako has always been obsessed with Izuku, NEVER THE OTHER WAY AROUND. In fact, Ochako’s arc even surrounded letting go of those feelings… as literally said in the text. Because that is a textual statement that she makes.

Izuku does not understand how or what Ochako loves in anybody, especially him. She loves a unique sense of personhood, which Izuku has always carried, and of which she saw in the entrance exam.

Izuku does not know how to view things he deems as “girly”, and Ochako very personally CANT be in a relationship with someone that she has realized is very repressed. Her friendships turn from friends to fascination very quickly, into her heroic form. (Think her few moments with Katsuki in that extra, or how disinterested she became of Izuku as she saw him run away from help, and not know how to respond to an apology. Or, hell, how much more interested she became when Himiko was honest with her feelings in their second real confrontation. She even says that she “admires how she can love so freely, and say it with her whole chest”)

LIKE ALL OF THESE THINGS. THIS IS WHY IZUOCHA ISNT DEVELOPED. That’s a purposeful choice in genius writing, at least in my opinion.

Bkdk is a result of Izuku being uninterested in acknowledging said feelings, and this is shown to be different because of the amount of times he has had that imply a deeper emotion or thought that we are not told. Think black whip, controlling your heart solely surrounding katsuki, “my feelings are gross”, the ear piercing scream when katsuki was kidnapped and the “this was a total loss” line, relaxing into katsuki’s arms after the apology, only coming home because of Katsuki, comparing romantic feelings toga had for him and admiration to ALLMIGHT and not katsuki who was “actually in his life”, I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS.

This is absolutely NOT underdeveloped, this is called SHOW NOT TELL. Horikoshi is so purposeful in what he shows vs what he tells. He tells you that ochako and toga are the same, he tells you that katsuki is worried about Izuku, he tells you that katsuki is there to step in when deku can’t handle it on his own, he tells you that ochako has a crush on Izuku, and he tells you that Katsuki is Izuku’s “closest person”.

But he also SHOWS YOU SO MUCH MORE. Unreliable narration is such a key part of Izuku and his character. Izuku doesn’t understand Izuku as much as the audience doesn’t understand him. It’s why I genuinely think most interpretations of his character are wrong, because you really can’t take him at his word. It’s the same reason no one understood katsuki for the longest time, he was in the same circumstances of a character who is only showed to you, not told.

I know i named so many god damn references so if anyone is curious as to what specifically I’m talking about with what, I’ll gladly show what scene I’m referring to. Apparently I can’t remember a damn thing but this manga anyway.

[call-of-ishmael]

Canto V and Ishmael's suicidal ideation

When the trailer for Canto V came out the narration over it and the tone gave me a lot of vibes of themes of suicidal ideation.

It wasnt present in the way id expect, but it was there and id like to talk about it

1. Her days prior to the Pequod

Ishmaels life before being a sailor isnt talked about much in her Canto, what we see though is pretty interesting

She expresses how she has come to hate the expectations, you work your ass off studying, getting degrees, applying to offices, to net you the job and life everyone says you should have.

A very interesting point to make is how she talks about it. The dread she feels as she expresses that thinking ahead thinking how this is gonna be her whole life, makes her feel empty.

"I didnt know if i wanted to die or if i just wanted my life to be different" [paraphrasing here] is a line we hear in this scene, however its followed up by her saying if she had to die somewhere itd be at the sea. She is unsure if what she wanted was to die, but her actions and thoughts point us that way, she frames it as where she wants her final resting place to be

2. The Pequod

Ishmael is from Ucorps Nest, The Great Lake should not be uncommon knowledge to the residents, a place full of monsters, where its known sailors who cant take it anymore jump into the waves to be free. And this is the place she wished to go to. She makes a desicion to join a ship that would take just about anyone to hunt whales.

In that gesture we see more of the previously mentioned thinking, she says shes not sure she wants to die but jumped into one of the most dangerous jobs around pretty quickly

In the Pequod she also experiences more trauma that leads her downwards even more, a controlling figure, molding everyone there into who they want them to be, a constant fear of death, endless fights against monsters, and eventually the loss of who she loved.

But its also a moment where we are shown, once she found some support, once she and Queequeg started working together towards a life goal she became determined to survive, she had a clear idea of where to go, a compass to follow. Before it was taken away.

3. Limbus Company, and Canto V

During the events of Limbus Company prior to Canto V we see Ishmael as a pretty driven person, she doesnt wanna die, at first, shes kept alive by a singular goal to find Ahab

By 4.5 and V we see this is, again, a self destructive endeavor

Her unique status effect "Compulsion" during the chapter is a way to communicate shes hurting herself constantly during this Canto, her usual ability to keep calm to not be consumed by her fears, worries, obsessions and compulsions falls apart

Ishmael at many points doesnt seem like she wants to come back alive, she willingly enters into the body of the whale only knowing she has something that can delay pallidification, not having a good plan to escape. She constantly tosses herself into danger, not caring how she gets hurt.

One of the more interesting tidbits is entering the dungeon. The first EGO gift she gains, exclusively applying effects to her, is a noose.

Its a culmination of the message, shes been hurting herself this whole time, she charges ahead, to kill that bastard, to kill Ahab. If she dies, its fine by her

And then the turning point is on the CG used for this section, another blatant gesture of letting her own life go, letting the membrane form around her, letting herself be consumed.

When shes broken out out the membrane it mirrors queequeg saving her in the past, the person who made her think of the future for once, to WANT to have a future.

Its the moment she realizes the sinners have been there for her, she has blinded herself to not think of any of the good moments, not even the ones she had with Queequeg.

She realizes shes not alone anymore

And she wants to live, somehow, she might not know how, but that hasnt stopped her before

Her compass is curiosity after all, she will find her path.

[whumpshaped]

I just read your tiny whump academia drabble and 👁👁 boy oh boy do I love little guys being crushed very near to the point of death where they think their bones are bending but I also started thinking hey, i wouldn't continue to trust such a small and wiley pet in a shoebox even if he is a puny nerd, I think the only way to soothe my worries about an escaping little mouse is to make sure it cant move at all shehfh- Or put it in a cute little leash and harness like a domestic rat :3 specifically a retracting leash so you can yank him back with no effort, and it makes them easier to show off for some friends or benefactors~

OKAY UM. OKAY. LET ME GO INTO A WHOLE RANT ABT THE POISONED IVY TINY AU.

tw some nsfw talk, tiny whump, bullying, academia whump, dehumanisation

so idk if u know the context for the story, but bryce is basically blackmailing nate already. nate is being mercilessly bullied and exploited by him in private, while in public nate basically "joined bryce's friend group". bryce has some compromising photos of nate that hes holding over nate's head and basically forcing him to do all of his schoolwork instead of his own to ensure 1. he doesnt have to work much 2. nate cant keep up his own first place on the college leaderboard academically. bc bryce used to be outperformed by him in just this one aspect, and he thought hm... two birds, one stone

so yeah theres already an insane power dynamic going on when nate shrinks. and bryce is like holy fucking shit this is amazing. yes i'll have to go back to doing my own schoolwork but u know what i came to love even more than not working? bullying nate. and then another aspect of it is that..... how do i say this. turns out bryce has a kink for this sort of thing and now hes just horny. theres rly no better way to phrase this. hes not even gay but hes looking at tiny nate and hes suddenly very horny abt the prospect of this helpless little creature who also happens to be his ex academic rival who was already helpless- u get the picture. i wont go into detail but that has consequences. anyway bryce is obsessed w tiny nate. he also has immense cute aggression! hes restraining himself from crushing nate's tiny bones 24/7.

moving on, this also means bryce is incredibly possessive. he's not gonna show it off to anyone, because honestly he already reported nate missing and he doesnt need anyone trying to steal nate or whatever. what he does is he keeps nate in his pencilcase for a while until he can go out and get a little custom glass box with a detachable lid. its very nice <3 it has some padding at the bottom, tissues and cotton and cloth, whatever bryce could find. tiny food and water bowls are separate and never placed in the box, because controlling when and how nate eats and drinks is another aspect he enjoys a lot. the box is shoved in the closet whenever someone comes to visit.

that being said bryce looooooves to mess w nate, looooooves to mess with immobilising him completely w clear tape for example. very fun stuff. loves how exposed and vulnerable nate is. im sure he also makes little DIY harnesses and collars and stuff, basically just imagine him tying some thread or cloth around nate and yanking him around by it. dangling nate from high places it also fun bc he has a fear of heights. the closet is also fun in itself bc nate Also has a fear of the dark! and bugs. which leads bryce to pick up earthworms and shit and lock them in the glass box w nate. hes a menace and he loves tormenting nate so so much.

but at the end of the day bryce doesnt want to kill or seriously harm nate physically. if he threatens a knife or smth, he never rly goes thru w it. maybe the lightest little scrapes. but he mostly stays away from that. hes also afraid nate will one day turn back to normal and he doesnt want a full sized nate running around without an arm or smth. (he does eventually turn back btw but by that point hes so afraid and so conditioned and bryce has told him so much abt how everyone has moved on that hes just like...... ok. i guess i only have u bryce. sure i'll stay in the closet all the time hidden away until you graduate and can take me with you to your cool new house. its ok i'll stay soulless and very obedient as always.)

bryce treats nate like a toy, and nate never gets over it. nate already felt quite dehumanised and humiliated and small and powerless when he was normal sized. going thru that ordeal being tiny and violated and hurt in so many ways just cements it in. he feels like property, he feels like a toy, he feels like he doesnt have a life outside of being bryce's thing. and he rly doesnt. whenever bryce isnt playing w him, hes locked away in a dark place that makes him feel afraid and claustrophobic and honestly as horrible as bryce is, he doesnt have any other sort of life than the hours bryce spends actively teasing and bullying him.

[baby-xemnas]

the weirdness and unconventionality of lawbepo are major charm points to me tbh!💕 i also really love how lawbepo elevates law’s character! it’s not that i didn’t like law before, but to be honest, i feel that a weakness of the character is that he is easily put into the “stoic badass with a tragic past and a secret heart of gold” stereotype. which is cool and fun, and it’s obviously a popular trope for a reason, but every anime/manga has this type of character tbh, and if nothing more is done with them, they can be kinda generic and one note. and it’s especially hard if the character is a side character, so it’s unlikely the creator will spend more time with them. unless it’s like for fanservice or something. so i like these types of characters but i don’t usually love them because of that.

that was how i used to feel about law, i liked him and thought his design was cool but that’s it. but everything is different now- like maybe it sounds insane to say, but considering “what if that bear is not just law’s vice captain, but also his first love from childhood? his babygirl? his ride-or-die wife?” has seriously like opened my third eye when it comes to law tbh lol, and i have you and your incredible art to thank for that! 🙏❤️‍🔥💕💯🔥✨

YOU PRETTY MUCH WENT THRU THE SAME JOURNEY AS MYSELF AND I LOVE THAT

yes so true all that....law by himself is only okay, yes hes sexy so ppl are crazy abt shipping him with whoever the fuck

but i really love when a sexy and intelligent character is WEIRD and its ignored by those around them cuz they are hot.

i like to bring him up cuz it was such a great discovery idk maybe someone will relate - i had that moment with akaashi haikyuu cuz i was like sure whatever, he is cute and bokuaka is FINE but when akaashis obsessive controlling calculative nature was revealed i had a real 💡!!! moment abt it and fell so hard for the character and the ship. like of you are pretty and WEIRD AF abt bokuto. gaslight gatekeepe girlboss. a dumbass' manipulative psycho boyfriend. perfect

and with Law honestly i cant commend japanese artists enough who saw Bepo day ONE and saw the potential of Law being very particular (pervert) about his bear - drawing dozens of comics of Law bleeding from the nose because Bepo is That cute. THEY REALLY HAD HIS NUMBER i meanwhile needed more convincing cuz im too canonfaggy to live off of Just the intro and the hug (all we had at the point where i got into op first) yes the hug was monumental and parially made up for the PH and DR lack of Bepo and having to tolerate the stupidity and insult of "law is gonna join SH/law is a honorary SH" no he wont, is not. die????

anyway yes it took me more fanservice to be like oh So we really ARE putting Law's softness for Bepo as one of the core characteristics? Not just a passing occasional thing like the hug was? Okay. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

weird is great weird is enriching and its fucking phenomenal that it's Just bepo. Not just cute things even tho he does love them - Bepo being a whole Person that gets Law's cuteness dokis in a bunch is soooooo sus and charming

idk how other Law fans see it but i dont think Law loving cuteness and fluff like the Onigiri moment - would be enough, its too circumstantial. But Bepo.... Bepo is always there, making Law better by being his spoiled rotten softie baby angel

sorry if my train of thought is all over the place. Thank you so much for the ask you the real one ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[fandomfluffandfuck]

i havent seen the inside of your ask box for ages so let me just say i finished money magic and WOAH. leave some talent for the rest of us damn. also. im going to add ‘financial domination’ to my mental list of kinks and im doing it with a sly smirk on my face because id never heard of it before this fic and i certainly will be looking for more in the future.

i genuinely think im into it only because you write it so. fucking. well. i love this community youve built where so many people can discover new kinks through your writing and it makes me so happy being able to find out new things about myself from a piece of art like this. i just love fandom sometimes.

plus i think of your blog as a haven bc i can come here anytime i want and its like someone took all the things i love about fandom and put it through your brain then onto here. a true blessing.

ok onto the fic itself, i have a few things to say:

1) i will never get over the way you build up to the climax of the fic. like, from the beginning, its always so obvious that something big is going to happen and i just can never wait until the next update to find out. i dont think ive ever skim read one of your paragraphs because every word pulls me in a makes me want moreee.

2) the way you use imagery in your work is actually something i think should be studied because you do it SO WELL. an example from chapter one that i cant stop thinking about;

His mind whirls. He’s back to spinning out of control. It feels as though his head might come off his shoulders, twisted and twisted and twisted around, thinning his neck, and becoming too unsteady.

like hello???? i can picture every tiny little detail of this moment and its insane how you can just do that.

3) the chemistry between your characters never feels forced or awkward. ive noticed that you dont use dialogue too much when writing smut and i love that because it lets the reader really visualise whats going on. but when you do its absolutely perfect. the way you kept the power dynamics going steadily throughout and even when they were talking on the balcony, it just made me realise how much you really care about what you write and it made reading so much more enjoyable.

theres literally like a million other things i could say but im not gna ramble here. instead, take some snippets that i especially enjoyed that i will think about for a long, long time:

A shiver wracks Steve’s body, accompanied by a rough exhale that fills his bedroom—a confession of how much he’s enjoying this by its very nature.

-

Steve shivers so hard it might as well be a convulsion. Good. The way his words leave no room for argument, for thought, for anything but all this electric embarrassment to fill his veins and circulate throughout his body, polluting him tip to tail. Jesus. He commands all of Steve without being there. It’s heady. He can feel himself being pulled in like a sailor, lonely after months at sea, to a siren.

-

A moan comes tumbling out of his mouth, humiliated to the point that he feels dizzy. He couldn’t stand and walk straight if he tried, he’d stumble and fall onto his knees. He wants to stumble and fall and have Bucky push his heavy hands into his hair, he wants to feel the cold metal of his rings and the blunt sharpness of his fingernails against his scalp as he grabs and pulls and twists, making sure Steve feels his place.

-

Steve imagines this is what being a pinata feels like, struck hard enough that it's twirling around its point of suspension, unable to know what’s up or down, left or right, just focused on each hit and when the next one is going to come, then, ah!, all of the sudden spilling its bounty.

-

i could put the whole fic here but you know. that’d be too long. ill just have to hope what ive said here is enough.

bottom line is that im OBSESSED and i will be taking the pleasure of rereading this fic as soon as i can. thank you so much for sharing!!! lots of love 💗

"Money Magic"

YOU ARE SO SWEET, ARCHIE!

Thank you, lovely <3

I'm so glad to hear that you finished that fic, and, more importantly, that you enjoyed the read so much! You're too kind. Haha, I'm hitting you again with the kink discovery. I think if I can't find a job (a scarily real threat, lmao), I can make a job of that alone 💀💀 I, too, though, am going to be looking for more of it! I haven't found anything else with fin domming in stucky fics, but I would love to!

I'm honored that it's even a possibility that you'd just be into it because of the way I write it <3 Me too!! I love the absolute filth I can write and people not batting an eye, aside from horny reactions that I enjoy very much. Thank you. Plus, even better, so many people have come into my inbox to say depraved, kinky shit. Like. YES. Discover more kinks from me, tell me more about your kinks, and let's explore it all. Not you calling my porn writing art

(Like, absolutely, porn is art. Art inspires emotion, and horny is a valid emotion. I wholeheartedly believe that and would very readily call lots of other writers erotica art, but hearing that about my own? Wtf. Shits wild)

And calling my blog a haven?! Staaawp. You're too cute and nice, I can't take it

1) Ah! I'm so glad to hear that 'cause I plan out my fics EXTENSIVELY, lmao, and I try very hard to up myself consistently within my longer, chaptered fics.

2) You are so fucking sweet I am gonna scream. Oh my god!! I love how you pulled quotes from my text! What the hell??? That's so nice!

3) Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I feel like I use a lot of dialog 💀💀 That's probably because I think so hard about my dialog, though, lol. I do care, definitely. I care too much sometimes 😅 but, yeah, I try to always think, okay, but would the character actually ever say or behave like that? Both this AU character, but also the canon character because the AU is, of course, a canon extension/expansion.

Aww, I don't have words (which is saying something for me, haha)! Again, though, I love, love, love that you included snippets that stuck out to you!

YOU'RE SO SWEET!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND THANK YOU FOR SUCH WONDERFUL COMMENTS ALONG THE WAY!

[sunsetstarving]

ok hi i like think i talked abt your ocs with you when you first shared the slides with me but i was going through my drive and i saw it again and i was like ok wait let me look! and i now have Thoughts

- FIRST OFF nefise is like so eldest daughter immigrant trauma. if this makes sense. i also understand why she turns evil for a bit

- dani's like my fave ever btw im like so not normal abt him. just the implications of the whole being someone whos always positive and optimistic (slightly delusional) and then starting to lose all that when the world starts ending. starting to lose yourself bc youre the literal fucking symbol of hope but you cant bring yourslef to be the least bit hopeful. god. rattling him around in my brain

- pls give kore a kazoo. im begging. also a turtle fits the green theme. shes like the coolest btw and i get the whole. like wanting to be someones first chocie but you feel like theyre always going to choose someone that they can love and love them romantically and hating yourself a little bit for not being able to like ouchhh man why you gotta zir like that. ough

- TESNIS LIKE THE BIGGEST LOSER im so obsessed w her. i love that you made her a jock but also a debate kid i think thats the funniest combo. also like the whole trying to remain unchanging/constant like the "if it aint broke dont fix it" mentality but then it DOES break and DANI breaks so then she HAS to change to fix it and. arhghghgh

- felicite!!!!! dude. ok the implications of her being the symbol of chance and the fact that the symbol of chance even exists at all is so crazy to me because like yeah. sometimes it truly is Like That. sometimes things are so out of your control and you can do nothing to stop it its just pure fucking luck and fate and the univesre shifting and ohhhhh god. i am so !!!! amped abt her and skull/fibula btw

- YOOO nefise and dani. idk if youve watched jjk but they are So satosugu coded i will elaborate if youd like but this is rlly long already i might have to take this to disc

- tesni and delshad WILL drive me insane. the absolute vulnerability and horrors of being so deeply known........ ugh

- said this already but. felicite and skull chance and death like broooo the fact that something so horrible something that takes so much from ppl is so closely tied to the concept of randomness and the unknwon. driving me insane

ANYWAYSSS thats like all of it um. yes i have thoughts! anyways

HIIII okay i finally got on desktop it took me a little bit we have been going everywhere. traveling is enjoyable sometimes but also...not always lmao BUT ANYWAY ILY AUGH i've been thinking abt this since last night. HELP all lighthearted but i do not think u ever said anything!! only the discord interaction i have been waiting ever since and boy oh boy.... the personal connection to every single one of them and the way u pointed them out immediately.

YEAH nefise is kind of just Like That. it came with the territory (being the asian character i project on forever) and also like..... the turning evil bit is everything to me bc the way she regrets none of it when she thinks about it from a distance but all it took was the sliver of hesitation, the flicker of exhaustion from constantly throwing herself at every problem, to simply take her down completely and have the team lose her. Yeah

dani my beloved... he was the original knight concept too. upon seeing this i HAD to draw him being a miserable fucker (<- phone battery ran out i will send these once i can grab some pictures!!) *jeopardy voice* what is burning out from the expectation to lead your world to the future despite having none of what you're supposed to be giving

YEAHHHH YOU GET IT. the. knowing that you're not broken and that this is just you but then the people you love make it feel like you shouldn't be the way that you are, that you need to change? forever experience. and while it continues to hurt and i don't think we can escape it i think good friends are a good remedy for the pain... and also ur so right they need a turtle so bad

and AHAHAHA tesni wahoo loser overachiever asian parents' favorite child (good at everything) and also biggest problem (anger issues) of all time. also love the family drama aspect like Yeah ofc she's going to have to change and yield and give ground. she has a sibling to take care of damn it

FELICITE AND FIBULA AOUGH.... this is so funny bc i literally had no clue what she was going to be but then chance sounded good. and then i was like Oh. the Implications of this are horrific. additionally yeah i think abt it all the time.... i've been following this comic series on instagram abt the grim reaper being a kind guy bc he's the messenger, not the one who controls any of it, and like... ouch, you know? the fact that it is unfair and horrible and there is no good timing about it. that sometimes it lines up just in time for a hilarious pun. death and chance being intertwined in the most cosmically random ways but in ways that absolutely make sense.

I STILL HAVEN'T the urge to ask vs the urge to wait until i've gotten to it vs the knowledge i will Not be doing that any time soon and. i should probably ask. pls tell me more in disc i would love to hear

tesni and delshad will kill me btw. that's like. going to suck. i'm gonna be so emotions about it bc it is not something i have yet delved into but i think abt it all the time. even more family drama. all of them scrambling to adjust to some of the most awful news one can never take back. grahh or whatever

anyway. i love this i love u i am SOOO happy you sent this!!!!! i am always so ecstatic to talk about the kids they are so beloved to me fr <333

[1d1195]

So I finally got around to reading protection and I thought it would be funny if I wrote down all my favorite parts bc I always wanna point them out, but I FORGET. It’s late and these are actually my live reactions bc im writing them in my notes as I read This will be long, this will probs be verryyy dumb (so if you don’t want to, pllsss don’t feel obligated to answer it, let it rot in your inbox😭)

The part where she’s like “hey niall! :D” and then switches up and yells at the supervisor 😭😭 AND NIALL IS JUST SHOOK BAHAHAHHA

Protocol. 

'He knew that she ended a lot of her doodles with little hearts'. As someone who always draws hearts every time I get my hand on a pen, I ADORE this little fact (there’s a statistic that says 56% of Americans write their first name when testing out a new pen, and I always say ‘well what’s the percentage of people who draw a heart cause it cant just be me’)

 Left covered in glitter and with a printed card that said Happy Holidays, but the L was a middle finger emoji. Funniest thing you’ve ever written actually. 

The whole codename talk OF COOURSE

protocol.

If he were my boyfriend this would be so controlling, I would be out of there in two seconds flat. Why am I liking all this? bc its harry duh, that man could throw me in the back of his trunk, leave me there for days, and I’d still be obsessed w him

It was next to impossible. She invaded his every thought. Like a little flower, a wildflower, poking through the cracks of his brain and growing where it shouldn’t.

Even if it was beautiful and lovely where it grew.

“I don’t care if y’don’t like me,” Harry knew that was a lie. He wanted her to like him so badly. unbelievably real, I get like this too harry dw

“Hate ‘em,” he nodded. She liked them. So, there was that; the olive theory would apply to them. THE OLIVE THEORY AWWWWWW

I was super psyched about the part where she cut her hand bc that literally happened to me today and ive got a huge gash & the napkins taped on me to prove it😭 (no harry to cheer me up tho smh🙄)

If I drank enough water, I would be too much for the world. She told him. I’d be unstoppable. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

he pressed his lips to her ear. “Is that why y’tense all the time? Just need t’come?” I SCREAMED

THE WHOLE SCENE AFTER THAT HELLO ???? DID YOU THINK THAT WAS OKAY ??? // tell everyone my cause of death was this: “Gonna listen t’me?” He asked. She nodded, gasping for air that didn't smell like Harry but enjoying that it did. “Say it,” he murmured. “For all the times y’didn’t.”

protocol !!!!!

Literally nothing abt chapter 7 because where the fuck would I even begin

Everything about chapter 8 was PERFECT I have no clue what you were worried about because girl I was HOOKED it was just PLOT PLOT PLOT the writing was AMAZING, the twists were AMAZING, her planning (or yours ig) AMAZINGGGGG, THE SHOOTING HER AS A DISTRACTION ????? HOLY FUCK

I will say tho, L harry cause I really wanted him to kill the dude😞

“Feel like this’ll be more paperwork for you. Just shoulda died,” ROLLING OVER IN MY GRAVE SHE’S SOOO FUCKING FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAH

cant believe u almost killing her was not enough for you LMFAOOOO

It wasn’t the time, but it was quite hot the way he held her trapped against her bed. She’s literally just a girl🎀

“What’s your favorite song?” She asked so innocently Harry could have cried. Your honor I LOVE her

I cannot believe that she literally got kidnapped AGAIN ???? BY HER FATHER ???? THIS POOR POOR GIRL

It was quite a humble moment for her. All those years of torturing agents and creating mountains of paperwork, building walls up so she didn’t even need protection...now they would probably let her die as the opportunity had presented itself. OUCH OUCH OUCHHHHHHHHHH

Harry’s gonna go gray before I finish this chapter

 He was strongly considering (and hoping) asking her if they could just put a chip in her. HAHAHAHAH as if. I will deadass settle for like a 200 hundred blurb JUST of that conversation between them

Diving into the chilly winter water, he hoped it wasn’t too late to save her again. This might be your most committed couple yet omg (no pun intended)

Ive never been happier to have not read a fic as you posted it because Samantha I SWEAR TO GOD this woulda drove me insane😭 IT DID DRIVE ME INSANE AND I WAS BINGE READING (I would’ve turned gray faster than harry)

“The hell is that?” He mumbled trying to make sense of the monstrosity on her lap. PFFTTTTTT love that crocheting is a styles’ family thing in this bc yes absolutely. im just picturing lil harry staying up late watching videos online to try to learn so he could be better than Gemma

im ADORING his constant worrying abt her getting a headache😭 its the sweetest thing ever

It was a crochet kit: a beginner's book, a set of hooks, and three different colored yarns. SHUT UPPPPP ITS AN INITIATION AHHHHH

“We’re gonna have to cope the way we need to. I will be my usual, hilarious self. And you can be mopey.” She’s literally me thank uuuu

The whole scene?? Youre my whole heart, completely exposed to the world ???? RIP me, rest in peace me, I. Died. Dead. 

“Wildflower, definitely wildflower.” 10 dead. 29 injured. ahhHHHHHHHH

Girl I am soooo sorry and like I said you absolutely don’t have to reply I just thought this would be fun and it might make you smile, also u deserve to know just how greatly appreciated your writing is, every bit of it <3

~🎶

So I truly enjoy everything I write (except Love and Dryer Sheets). I know inherently that Traditional is more popular but I think if I had to pick a favorite, Protection is by far my favorite story. I guess if I had to qualify maybe my favorite of 2023 at least. Idk what it was about it, I just loved writing every moment of it, I enjoyed my weird little dialogues and the silly little inside jokes. I thought the MC was really strong and wonderful--I aspire to be like her, ya know? Writing Harry's parts is always fun too but I think Protection Harry is the mushiest but shyest of them (probs because of his job) so getting him to open up to her was really fun to write too. idk.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY this is quite possibly the sweetest and nicest thing anyone has done for one of my stories. I love this so so so so so much. There are so many parts you pointed out that I cared SO deeply for that didn't necessarily get pointed out when I originally wrote it. It was so sweet to read them again from someone else's perspective. I probs won't catch everything but please know that I got this from you at 5 in the morning yesterday and I have read it no less than 100 times because I'm so honored that you enjoyed it enough to take notes 😭😭 and every single one made me SO happy and smiley.

I just read about the statistic about writing your name when handed a pen in a book I was reading! I bet the heart thing is a pretty cool stat too (whatever it is!).

PUTTING ME IN A TRUNK SAME.

nothing about part 7 I'm screaming 😂

I've mentioned it in another ask but when I write suspenseful things I already know where the suspense is leading so I just get super in my head about it because I think it's obvious about where it's leading?

You have ignited a new extra regarding putting a tracking chip in her 🤭

she is really funny tbh hehehehehe I like to believe I'm funny too because I like to think that's how I would react to a lot of these scenarios.

she IS just a girl (and she really just wants to get railed by Harry quite frankly. I think she deserves it lol she's been through a lot)

Almost killing her was the main part the kidnapping was extra because I was like "Aw crap, I forgot to tie up the daddy issues line" whoops hahahahahahaha

Idk if they crochet, I hope they do. I just needed something that siblings could argue over. I would kill to know what the sibling dynamic is between Harry and Gemma. It's gotta be hilarious.

I think Harry is going to worry about her the rest of his life and you're so right, he would go gray because of her hehehehehe

SAMANTHA hahahahahahaha I was thinking you would have hated to read this as I was writing it lol

10 dead 29 injured 😭💕 - I think most endings of my stories suck but again, I love this story so much, I humbly think I did a better job on this one 💕

in general the bullets where you quoted some of what I wrote was really sweet too. The part about not getting help because of how she treated them, the olive theory, the part about water, harry wanting her to like him, etc. etc. That really means so much to me that it seemed worth pointing out again 😭 thank you thank you thank you.

If there was anything I didn't reply to, it wasn't intentional, I just know this is the longest ask ever and I love it so much but I feel like it's going to continue forever if I don't stop 😭💕💕

YOU ARE THE BEST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! IT'S SO WONDERFUL 💕

xoxo

[sunset-bridge]

I agree completely but i iwant you to elaborate anyeaha

-chai gay sex giy(ps i haveca migraine so that is why i cant typw)

MR CHAI GAY SEX in my askbox. no fucking way.....! ai generated. also i hope your migraine clears soon friend : (

anyways AHEM.

ok well. ocd... is the obsession disorder. i think you can already percieve some of this . what with how Obsession is such a theme with goro. Obsession with the Protagonist Obsession with Revenge Obsession with Perfection.

i think he could have pure O ocd. for anyone that doesnt know, pure O ocd is when you only have the obsessions but not physical compulsions. ex: i have an obsession about my house burning down but instead of doing any physical rituals like checking the stove or jumping up and down or pacing around etc. etc . i just. do mental obsessions, like repeating a phrase, counting to a number, arguing with my brain why my house WONT burn down for 4353 hours etc.

he could very well also have classic OCD but... frankly with how little time he would have to make any compulsions due to his frantic public life, im almost certain that 99% of them are mental.

OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive PERSONALITY disorder) is also a candidate for an additional disorder. for anyone that isnt familiar, this disorder is what most people would think as being a "perfectionist" or a "control freak". but to a degree where its obsessive and damaging to your quality of life. its common for it to couple with classic OCD (haha me...) and the combo is quite... devastating.

anyways. i just think the way he doubts his own convictions after meeting the protag is very ocd like.. he tries so hard to not recognize them and to convince himself hes right. he cant be wrong. he CANT AFFORD TO BE WRONG. not about his whole self! nnot about everything he stands for! it would hurt so deeply to be told you been doing it wrong your whole life.. that your core of thinking is wrong..resonates with me.. although for him specifically it would also be real event ocd (when a thing ACTUALLY happened in the past and your obsessions are about this thing etc and any implications. repeating events in your head and analyzing them ad nauseum etc) . i also think the sunk cost thing applied at some point absolutely 100% like. you dedicated your life to this plan. and you want to stop now??? no way. you already put so much into it. got to see it through. you're right. everyone else is wrong. they have to be.everything is hinging on this. no no. its just an intrusive thought. you're right. you have to be. if not, then what the hell was everything for!!

AND ALSO. how he is so. obsessive over maintaning his public image. ofc its for his plan but the feeling still applies. he Needs to be aware of everything always Everything must go according to plan Every detail must be perfect . I need to know what you Expect so i can perform correctly. You will never catch me off guard. I will be in control I need to Be the ONE in control of my life. etc. and so forth

also just the way his life is fleeting away being obsessed with his whole revenge spiral while he kinda gets more fucked up in his brain inside his skull day by day without saying anything to anyone. none of these people know etc...

very ocd core of his part. reminds me of my lowest moments where it felt like i was gonna die in the corner of my room but everything was happening in my brain. i felt like someone was stabbing me with a knife and twisting it inside. but no one else could see (this is not me being dramatic it really just Feels like That. very frustrating. a lot of people with ocd and other anxiety disorders can agree that they cause physical symptoms..)

and yeah his catharsis moment at shidos palace ... yeah...the raw emotion and the cruelty of reality hitting you in the face... everything you lived for and all of your ideals were wrong. this is my worst nightmare. i dont think i could be as strong.

thank you for listening to me! i shall go to sleep.

EDIT ALSO. r/ocdmemes moment

case closed

[mineta-minoru-is-baby]

I feel like you’re on to something when you mentioned people not letting Mineta cry/feel emotional and ableism. I would like to hear more of your thoughts.

I didn't respond at first because i needed to organize my thoughts and figure out why I felt the way i did but i think i have it now.

Mineta is very much the Weird Kid™️ and despite being an obvious attempt at comedy relief these two factors and Huge parts of his personality combine together to form the perfect punching bag. If the hate he recieves isnt due to his "bad behavior" (behavior thag hasn't existed in over 100+ chapters at this point) then it's due to factors he can't control.

His lisp, His height, and the "fact" hes "annoying"

This is where it gets into the actual ableism. His height is obviously part of a condition he cant control and isnt too uncommon in the story! Both Gran Torino and La Brava are shown to be short and theres no reason given for them. Yet who is actively shunned in the fandom for their height? Mineta. However i will say ive recently seen people in the fandom say la brava being short is akin to her being a child. (Which is a harmful sentiment ill get into at some other point)

Next his lisp and behavior. Im grouping them into one because, whether intentional or just a coincidence, Mineta comes across as neurodivergent. It might be a slight projection on my end and due to the fact ive obsessively researched mental conditions for the last 10ish years but he has many characteristics that allign with adhd/autism. Between his hyper empathy, "over the top" reactions to "stupid" things, and one of the first things i noticed, his lisp. A huge portion of the neurodivergent community has some form of a speech inpediment. Granted his lisp is just in the dub, however it was allowed so its considered canon.

His emotional reactions to everything, even serious situations are treated as annoying, even out of place. He cried when Bakugou, a fellow classmate, ALMOST DIED. Yet somehow crying over that is "annoying" to the fandom. Crying over being attacked a week into school with 0 training or signs they would recieve help was too much. Crying over his test against Midnight, something he had to do alone when other people got to work in pairs, was too much.

When you feel with your entire heart as a neurodiverget person your reactions will always be inappropriate.

Even if he isnt and hes just an oddball it still feels out of place to punish him for his emotions. Deku cried so hard it was a theory he had a tear related quirk in the first few seasons of the show! Yet fans will always say his tears are warrented, many people who dislike the show will cite it as a reason they rejected the show and then it circles back around onto the reasons i gave for Mineta on WHY that seems ableist.

This is really rambly and disorganized but i hope this was fairly okay insight on approximately what i mean! I love my boys, tears or no tears!

[safetycar-restart]

thank god we're talking about Mick in Mercedes because that's all i live for

are you a mind reader? because i was JUST thinking about sending you an ask with the same idea. literally. the same idea

i was thinking that maybe in this AU Lewis is a switch so he doesn't need you as much, and sweet George has finally reach a healthy balance being under your care. but now there's Mick!!!

he doesn't wanna be a bother, even if you reassure him time after time that you're here to take care of him and look after him. just like you said, he comes out of his shell after a couple of months and I think a big part of that is because the team is truly a family that makes him feel loved and welcomed

i belive Toto is a great boss, and in this AU after you tell him the problem he makes sure that Mick is well treated. Toto trusts you 150% for this job, and despite being your boss, follow your orders suggestions so that Mick has more confidence in himself and in his position in the team

I have many more ideas but I have to go so I'll write more in a couple of hours!!!

-🌻

Oh my god yes!! I'm so happy we all seem to love this concept because I cant stop thinking about it and am in need of much, much, more content about it!!! Please everyone send me your thoughts on this it's my current obsession.

I definitely agree that Lewis would be a switch, and maybe actually a dom leaning switch? And poor Georgie absolutely would take a long time to get used to you, but by this point he's had a whole season with you so he's so much better now. And he also does quite a few seasons with Lewis now, so you just sit them down after your first scene with Mick and tell them that you need them to scene together and have less time with you because you need to focus on Mick.

For a moment you worry that they might be upset, but actually they're both just so worried about Mick? Especially George, because he's been through that before but at least he had SOME support and it seems like Mick had absolutely none. So they both just want you to put all your energy into Mick and making sure that he's okay.

Which is exactly what you do.

The entire team focuses on Mick actually. They all tend to follow your lead about how to treat their drivers, because they know that you know what they need best. So when they see you giving Mick extra attention, always checking in on him and hugging him and praising him... they just immediately start to do the same.

And Mick is just SO overwhelmed with all the love and support he's receiving? Because he's gone from being on his own to being surrounded by love and care and the poor thing doesnt even know what to do with himself.

Of course you have to sit Toto down and tell him all about your concerns about Mick and what you think needs to happen in the future. Toto, bless him, just nods and agrees with everything you say because he's learnt that the best way to look after his drivers is just to agree with whatever you want.

(To be entirely honest, Toto is mildly terrified of the power you have because you literally have control over all of his drivers, so he just agrees with you always)

Mick cant believe how much you love and support him? The entire team helps him, always checking in and genuinely listening to him and making sure he gets enough time with you.

And Mick just... absolutely thrives? Suddenly he's smiling and laughing and joking again. He submits so beautifully to you, always, but seeing the joy begin to return to his eyes as you scene with him is incredible.

All he really needs is some love and care.

With George, it was all about isolating him and making him feel safe with you, providing him with a space where no one can reach him.

But it's the opposite with Mick. With Mick, you cant take him away from everyone, because he desperately needs the sense of community and support that he gets from being around the entire team. You need to make sure that you dont make him feel isolated from everyone.

Which is why I think that eventually, he would start wanting to scene with Lewis and George? He wants connections and community and to feel safe and loved, like he belongs.

(Please send me more thoughts)

[hushafoe]

It's currently 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, so I'm gonna write about what's been going on in my life. I have a lot of internet friends on here and it's tough when you go thru something traumatic and you don't wanna be like hey internet friend! Something bad happened to me and just launch into it. So. Idk. I am on mobile and cant for the life of me figure out a readmore so please heed my tws!

Tw domestic violence and mental illness

My mom and dad have never had a healthy relationship. My dad controlled all the finances, and withered away my moms social circle. Just super possessive and controlling. He never has been violent, just verbally and emotionally. But throughout the years, he'd slip into these states where he would be so obsessively angry about a miscommunication 30 years ago, when they were freshly engaged. And last week, he slipped into that rage. Except, it didn't go away. From Wednesday to Sunday, he was constantly starting fights and demanding apologies. I was so scared. I got in contact with the non emergency line, arranged womens shelter resources for my mom. By the time Sunday rolled around, I cracked, abd called the mental health authorities. It was ugly. He was yelling at yhe cops, to the point they took him away in cuffs. He told us as they escorted him out the door that he would never forget this. Great. Just like he wasn't forgetting what happened 30 years ago.

We went and stayed the night at my SIL's apartment, only for me to be woken at 2 AM by a call from the hospital that my dad was being discharged. My brother flew in from Vancouver to support my mom, thank God, cause I have nothing to offer. He got in contact with the responding worker, who filled him in that all signs point to narcissistic personality disorder, maybe a manic episode thrown in too.

With him experiencing "narcissistic injury" it isn't safe for any of us to go home. I don't want to be selfish, but I'm struggling. I miss my own bed. I miss my own room. In the panic of leaving, I left my laptop, so I cabt chat as easily with my friends or even escape into Netflix. I can't write as easily either. I miss being able to change my shirt without a thought. We're staying with my uncle now anf his house is so cold-- I would give almost anything to have my house tobe.We left our cat, and all I can hope is he's been feeding her. My mom was too afraid to get an EPO, and he is refusing to leave, and the RCMP is useless and won't accompany us or get him out without some court order.

Some good at least is all my friends have been so lovely. The outpouring of love and support has made me so grateful and happy to be alive and share my world with them. And of course, we're all safe, even if a bit uncomfortable. My hours at work are becoming more consistent, so hopefully I cab squirrel money away abd get an apartment of my own soon.

Anyway. Things could be so much worse. I just wish that were better.

[spikeinthepunch]

i have my 2022 art summary queued up and just want to ramble about the last year,... lots of stuff happened, good and bad! been a strange time.

i imagine most followers around have probably been here since late 2020 but 2020-21 i did art quite a bit, but the thing that really stuck for that period was i was super involved in warrior cats RP for some time-- i love RPing and these group also got me motivated to draw too! but i feel like i kind of wasnt around in the typical way due to how consumed i was in it. i dont think i need to go into detail of every month during that time, but it wasnt until early this year where i dropped it, and i didnt really publicize in detail why due to the issues surrounding it, but it was probably the biggest impact on me this year mentally, and in terms of art direction. and i feel like itd feel good to document this in a blog after it has now blown over- and why ive shifted my direction too.

i was very happily running my own RP server for just a year before i had to close it this year and it still makes me sad, as much as i moved on. ARP was like... a very big deal for me and i cant deny that. i dont have a lot of projects i get that into or get even close to setting off with its story figured out. i wrote well over 100 pages of documents for the world and the 6 planned arcs. i drew loads of art i couldnt even share until it closed (tbh im not positive i have shared it anyways bc i didnt wanna post it here). i made a website, i made riddles and code, i developed lore that was far outside of the warrior cats scope to it basically just being original!

truly i have never developed a project as far as i made ARP and to shut it down in order to save my privacy and past trauma from being further exposed in such an inappropriate way really sucked ass. a lot. it was a situation where there was no control given to me, no sense of understanding from the community. im not writing this out now to be pointing fingers and calling out names- just venting how it took a toll on me this year. what had happened with my server was that one of my own mods decided to dig into my profiles and found an old nsfw page, which even more indirectly led to an old flist, which exposed various things i was into around 17-19, reflecting trauma and abuse id been through (in it, voiced wanting to take part in certain kinks; ex. being a victim to violence and dubious consent scenarios). this information was at first presented as a threat to minors viewing my RP page (as in "ppl can see your nsfw profile from the blog!") which wasnt true/accessible as they said it was and required many many clicks to find, and then slowly revealed to me the people exposing this were in fact two of my own mods and was promptly cut off from explaining anything else as it spread in a private mod discord in the RP community. Which was worse to me than everything else that could have happened honestly, and i only learned this second hand from a person who saw it in that discord and thought it was horrible this information was spreading like that behind my back. in some ways things were okay-- i didnt get "called out" openly as i did my best to explain how these pages were not current to those around me, and that they had dug into some deep cutting trauma and a period where i wasnt getting any help to cope properly. it still didnt stop the fact i left every other RP i was in due to connections w those exposing it, and in turn closing my own. i dont want to say im thankful i didnt get called out publicly, but the damage was bad enough in so many other ways because i couldnt continue my server at all, and in the end people's obsession with purity culture in the fandom still made them deem me "bad" because i had nsfw accounts in any capacity. thats not a space i want to be around anyways...

ill forever be thankful for those who stuck it out to the end and witnessed the documents i got to share before closing it for good. but this was a HUGE part of my life for the last years of the pandemic, and i wasnt there for warriors cats- i was there for the people i knew, and the stories i made. i still miss RP a lot, and i want to host projects like that again after moving on mentally from that ordeal.

but my 2022 art summary shows a major shift that was 100% in part to disconnecting from wcrp. humans everywhere! seriously. for a solid few months i couldnt even bare to look at anything related to ARP. i didnt want to think about how i lost this story i developed so hard for so long.

honestly didnt really start drawing properly again until the summer- my art during my HL phase was very very light and very messy. i fell into a hard depression early summer and i only crawled out when i got into mcyt- and even then i was hiding it from this blog. i think i just needed to not feel like i was "online", because August included me joining a onceler RP and again, not saying anything about it. which Weehawken was the first RP thing I had done since i closed ARP too, and it was weird. not the RP itself, it just felt weird to try that again.

and it wasnt my favorite month, i just felt so tired and exhausted- that depression was kinda lingering and drawing a lot for an RP again was something i wasnt really used to anymore.

the past three months have been.... better? or i have at least enjoyed what i am drawing more. i think im far enough removed from what happened with ARP too that it doesnt weigh on me as strongly. i wasnt blaming myself for anything but it doesnt feel good when you know you have to kill something. we talked about recovering it, i had ideas, but i just knew it wouldnt be worth trying to with so much damage caused in my own self, and the impression that whole community left on me knowing people would willingly spread such personal information without question. having trauma exposed after going to therapy and relearning how to use the internet in a way that doesnt lean on trauma dumping and whatever unhealthy bullshit? its quite a blow. i dont make personal blogs like this often because i have good methods to deal with my shit these days.

despite this messy year im doing well. its been ups and downs. overall i know im far more confident in myself, i moved out to live on my own, and im just doing my thing. whatever bull shit happened this year, call out or not, i know im still just gonna keep doing whatever it is im doing. and heres to hoping i can bring a world to life like i did with ARP again, bc i really have a lot i want to tell and show and do.

[coelacat]

my final thoughts on the matter is that theres always been a reason we as humans have been obsessed with the morbid and grotesque. there is a certain level of familiarity with bad things every person must have. you must grow to be familiar with death, with disease, with bigotry, with things you dont like to think about, because you Will have to handle them at some point. you have to think about war its all around you. you have to think about pollution its all around you. dont grow comfortable with these things, but grow familiar. you have Got to be able to handle when a media wants to be About a topic like this. i cant control what you do with media like this. however its a very bizarre choice for you to want to get into a media about abuse and then be shocked when people wanna explore that abuse. like im sorry to say but if you refuse to acknowledge the characters as racist or you only engage with the story through "they characters i like live happily ever after and the characters i dont like die!!" aus, maybe Rockstar Games' Red Dead Redemption 2 is just a bit too much for you to handle right now and you should go back to your childrens shows or something. if you dont wanna talk about death and suffering dont get into Death And Suffering: The Game

[multimediamac]

100%ed the sexy brutale

So i saw this game mentioned and had to try it out based purely on 2 combos, time travel, murder mystery, 2 of my favourite genres combined, along with some puzzles, while they're not the best, quite linear and on rails for my full liking, they where entertaining enough as to be a nice gameplay aid, they where fun and intuitive, not having to look up any solution with the sole exception of one of the invitations, as un initiative, it is the only puzzle;e in the game that requires you use an item previously used, something i didn't consider as i thought if the game set that president then it wouldn't break it, so i found that particularity sour as it was the last thing i needed to 100% the game

As mentioned i found it too on rails, i wish there was some more freedom in the game as it felt at times the game was trying to have its cake, this fun mystery you have to figure out by exploring a mansion, and eating it too, having a set order things have to be done in, in a free roam setting i would've much rather had some level of freedom, unfortunately this game doesn't provide that, having only very linear thinking and pathing, at one point i got stuck on a puzzle as i tried to employ a creative solution, see the game does this thing where, if an item can be picked up, it can be used, during one of these, you can pick up a record, but the record is never used, so i was stuck trying many things with the record, when it in fact did nothing, i feel like the game is very mixed in design with this aspect, punishing thinking genuinely outside the box and not the so called box the game wants you in, i dunno, im not too big a fan of puzzle games, i often get stuck, but id at least like it a little more... feeling like im actually solving something rather then finding a block to go into the block shaped hole in the way of the door, the power-up masks are also do nothing devices, they're never used, okay they are used but what i mean is they're never *used* see the way the game works is the masks give you special abilities to do things you where unable to do before, but instead of letting you play around with these abilities at all in any way it just means sometimes a prompt will appear to use it like the worst quick time event of the xbox 360 era

What the game lacks in the inquisitiveness of a 10 year old it absolutely makes up for in style, its minor but another thing is the controls are... how do i put it, finicky, your character will stare at a door as you press the "open door button" and just stand there even though the "open door" button is there, oh what you have to do is actually press it then wait 5 seconds oh and you cant be too close to the door or it doesn't work at all, but its hard to consecrate on being frustrated at that when the game blows you away with its style its flavour its absolute understanding of gothic Victorian style, its just oozing with fancy and im lovin every moment of it, soundtrack included, fantastic visuals, id like to say i wish it was a movie, i do think it being a video game elevates it in many aspects, yeah id still rather it just be a movie as the video game aspect more so feels like a telle tale game cross bread with the sims and had a early unexpected birth because there was no "give birth" button

all in all i had a swell time playing the sexy brutale but its the type of game i wouldn't return to, at least to play again, maybe just to read the extensive descriptions it has, that's another point in its favour, though you can get that off a wiki or something, but it is in the games favour at least, on the story i don't want to spoil anything but i would say it was, above average, not something id haplessly obsess over such as zero escape but not something ill forget nore regret experiencing, overall i really do feel the style of the game caries it though, so take that for what you will, overall i would recommend it if you enjoy the look of the game and dont mind being treated like a toddler reviving his new plah-doh set and there being a "put the green play-doh in the green pot" button, and as long as the "time travel murder mystery" premise also appeals to you

Overall though i cant help but feel like it had wasted potential, yet i had fun so it wasn't fully wasted more just, milk that was left out overnight with some stale cheerios served in the most beautiful bowl you've ever seen and instead of you using a spoon yourself there's a button in front of you that very awkwardly moves the spoon towards your mouth, wow what a round about way to say the game spoon feeds you!

anyhow back to balatro 100%ing, i dread finishing that and having to write a big essay on why the black deck sucks and how good the game is

[selznick]

idk fucking know.rant ig??? not big idk

but like i ibly rlly have 1 friend that im close to and thats ive opened up to about my austism and ocd like even a bit,,,,, and like my autism is fine or whatever and sure sometimes idk how to deal with people but its fine and we joke so its cool but my ocd is like,, a legit problem for me that I dont joke about but they will,,,, like sometimes i will casually mention it around them but they will joke abt it and like kool whatever,, ocd isnt happenong rn so idc ig

but like she was telling me how she went to a hincent van gogh exhibit abt his life and depression and how she cried at the 'ear'aser in the giftshop after, , and like its a hood point,,, people like to portray him cutting off his ear as like some cutesy joke or romantic gesrure and not like a seriours mental break down and self harm,,, which like cool she cares abt mental health and uknow the seriousness of it all

except when its roght in front of her??? like i messaged her when i wanted to pour boiling water on my foot to 'clean' it and half my brain was fully on board with it and the other half was like no that will make ot worse stop,,, so i messaged her as like idk a reaching out for some sort of help or distraction from my stupif fukcing brain,,, and she was just like,, no why would you do that? and was just argueing with me,, like thats not logical,,,, and I FUCKIING KNOW THAT WHY DO U THINK THERE ISNT BOILING WATER ON MY FOOT WHILE IM TEXTING U,,, and shes just like but why would u eevn think that,, like rememeber ur precious vincent van gogh and his fucking ear and my fuxking ocd,, and shes just like,, ohhh

and i talk to her when i was worried about getting sepsis from a small cut on my toe,, and shes just like no ur fine, uve not got sepsis obvi,, and like i brought it up again cuz its the only thing my brain would think of,, and she got annoyed that i kept bringing it up and now she fuxking jokes about me being obsessed with sepsis and that i just always think i have sepsis

like sorry my brain literally cant stop worrying abt this shit,, sorry i have phantom pains from my ocd that make me worry more and continue the fucking cycle

anyway today i was like ugh im gonna have a headache after yards,, could just feel one starting before it uknow,, and shes like just drink from the water fountain,, and i tell her i cant bcuz there was like a weird bottle on it and other debris around it and my ocd cant handle that,,, and she just tells me to drink from it and that its not an issue,, and when i was like ya no my ocd rmemeber she says shed drink some from it and then i could becuz were liek made from the same stuff so same body,,, and like how can i explain in a concise way that ya u can drink it fine but u r not me with stupid brain disease that doesnt care for logical conclusions and that no we dont have the same body were not even related and the fact i was vomiting for like an entire day not too long ago so my brain has been pretty weird abt it since,, and i cant so i instead say smth like,, no were not the same body and i was sick at christmas and i would still feel ill or throw up because my brain placebo would still fuck it up

she still pushes me to just drink from the fountain cuz its not a big issue but like to me it is,, another friend had a water bottle and offered me some amd that end the conversation so thank god they were there otherwise id have to argue my own thoughts to someone,,, do you srsly think i want my actions to b this illogical,, no i want to just live and be able to carry on without brain worms controlling what i can and cant do

but like its so frustrating to have to argue logic and reason with my own brain,, i dont want to have to have the same arguement with a friend that cant seem to understand how much it affects me because im not currently screaming crying and cutting my limbs off

and it sucks becuz shes like the only person i an talk to but she just doesnt understand and doesnt seem to care

my finger has a cut on it at the moment,, similar to my toe,, and its fucking with my brain,, only thing i can rlly think of,, but i cant talk to the one person i can talk to becuz its just an annoyance to her and i should just get iver it,,, not like i can feel other pain in parts of my body that my brain is relating to it and not like i had to convince myself that my gums were a normal colour (they were) and not blue black,,,, but i cant even just b like o ya my brain thinks im dying can u distracct me cuz shes just be weird about my mental health and bring it up later as a joke

but i dont rlly joke abt my ocd,, i make some nokes abt having it but not my actual symptoms and i feel weird eevn fully talking abt it in case someone find out, doesnt take it serious and doesn something on purpose to spite/upset me,, so for her to make jokes abt my symptoms without even showsing any sympathy while im going through them just fukcing sucks,,, and like ive not daid anything bcuz idk how to breatch that topic,,,,, ummm i think u dont care abt my mental health and it makes me not want to ever talk to u abt it but at the same time ur the only person i can talk to abt it and the jokes make me super uncomfy please inhenrently knpw what my brain needs thanks,, i just,, ik shell be like sorry im not good at reading ppl so i didnt realise cuz thats what she said abt the van gogh and me boiling water foot thing ,,,, like babes u know abt my asd and ocd and im currently telling u abt my distressing thoughts,,, thats not people skills im fucking telling u im going through it like RIGHT NOW and u just do not care

ok this rant was bigger than i thought,, oop

my arm aches now and i need to frind smth to ditract me from the urge to chop ny finger off 🙃🙃🙃