#*checks clock and does some math* 2 am

[cepheusart]

AUGHHHHHH (<- coloring)

[lefaystrent]

Me, Myself, and These Guys Who Kinda Look Like Me Ch. 7

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: Thomas/The Sides

Summary: It starts with dreams. Then Thomas starts seeing the dream people in the waking world.

Thomas doesn't know how to bring it up to anybody or if he even should at this point.

AKA, Thomas has to acknowledge the six colorful characters in the room, much to their long-awaited delight.

Ao3 Link: click here

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

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"I believe you wanted a conversation? Let's talk."

And so they do.

Rules are established to assist with boundaries, and in the days that follow, they are adjusted as they adapt.

Rule number one: Thomas's bedroom is a sacred temple. When the door is shut, no one shall utilize incorporeal states of being to trespass. Anyone may knock as needed, but it's up to Thomas if he'd like company. Likewise, if the door is open, it is understood that company is welcome.

Seems simple enough, right?

Thomas wakes up to the sound of his bedroom door creaking open. He scrubs the sleep from his eyes, peering at the alarm clock to see he's been asleep all of three hours.

"Whass it?" Thomas mumbles and pushes up clumsily. He thinks something must be wrong, or that he must not have heard a knock. Maybe he's dreaming. Wouldn't be the first time that he thought he woke up in a dream.

The door practically slams closed.

"Eh?"

Is he...being spied on? What did they want? Who was it? Why did they have to wake him? Can he lay back down and go to sleep? Wow, that was loud. And rude. Or something's wrong. What's wrong? Was he having a nightmare? He thinks he was having a nightmare. There was a math test involved. Ew.

The door opens again, wider this time. Virgil hovers in the doorway, shoulders hiked up to his ears and shame-faced.

"I am so sorry," he blurts out. "I didn't mean to do that. Or wake you. I'll go."

"No, no, what's wrong?" Thomas calls back before the door can close. Sleep dust cakes his eyes, but he's got half a brain functioning. He can tell something's off.

"It's stupid," Virgil deflects, as if that is a compelling defense.

"S'not stupid. What's up, buttercup?"

Wow, Thomas really is only half awake. The only reason his head hasn't reacquainted itself with his pillow is because of his propped-up arm. His eyes don't get the memo. They droop down, closed.

Virgil doesn't answer.

Huh.

Thomas has a sneaking suspicion he'll have to open his eyes again.

"Virge?"

"I, uh, I was just checking on you. In case anyone was trying to break in. Or if you had fallen. Or if there was a gas leak. There could be a gas leak right now. You never know, ya know?"

"...eh?"

"Anyway, I'm dumb, go back to sleep dude. Sorry."

And the door shuts once more, more mindful this time.

If it had just been Virgil, Thomas thinks he could have puzzled through it. Clearly Virgil is the anxious sort. After the fire incident, Virgil has insisted on being present whenever cooking is involved. Even if he's not the one cooking, he wants to watch like a hawk. It's like his own personal lifeguard, but on land. In his house. This is a perfect analogy.

Thomas can hella relate to having anxiety. Most people, when they meet Thomas, mistake him for being an extrovert. And that can be an exhausting image to keep up, but Thomas is an actor after all. Regardless, he wants to cut Virgil some slack. With the installment of the new rules, he's having trouble adjusting, and that's okay. It's all part of the learning process.

Virgil confides that sometimes he would check on Thomas in the middle of the night (or day, curse Thomas's sleeping habits) to soothe his random bursts of paranoia. Thomas sympathizes, he does. If something happens to Thomas and he dies, what happens to the dream people? Where do they go?

It's not just Virgil though. Roman and Remus keep forgetting about the knocking rule.

Thomas dives headfirst back into work the first chance he gets. He sits at his desk in his bedroom, screen displaying a script. It's the final countdown so to speak, and Thomas is delaying the inevitable because the perfectionist in him tells him it's not good enough. There's something missing. It could be better. It can always be better.

"You should throw in a 'Mean Girls' reference there at the end."

Thomas glances towards the bottom of the script. He tilts his head. "Yeah, you're right, I could wear a pink shirt."

"Exactly."

It takes a moment, but Thomas frowns and looks to his right where Roman is reading the script happily over his shoulder.

"I thought I had my door closed..."

The faint smile on Roman's face freezes. His body tenses so hard Thomas can almost feel it vicariously. "Uh...yeaaah."

"Roman."

"...I may have forgotten you can see us."

"..."

"...how mad are you?"

Thomas isn't mad. He understands that it will take time. For years they've lived a certain way. He doesn't expect things to change overnight. However, this has to be corrected. In order to do that, Thomas has to be firm in the boundaries he's set.

Thomas takes one look at Roman's obvious dejection and caves hard.

"Do you want to help me edit the rest?" he asks.

Enforcing boundaries is difficult, okay?! Really, he has no one to blame but himself. He's a sucker. A big softie sucker.

When he discusses this with Logan, the man comforts him by parsing out the reasons behind why he struggles to say no.

"Give me an example," Logan instructs.

"Well, just last night I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep... okay I might have been scrolling on my phone. But anyway! I was in bed, and then the closet door opened."

"Remus?"

"Remus."

"He has a fascination with closets that baffles me beyond comprehension."

"I've noticed. It was kinda spooky at first, which I think was the point. But he ended up coming out and started talking to me."

"Was that all? Sorry, that sounded dismissive, let me rephrase. Is that the only actions he took?"

"Uh...pretty much? He sat beside my bed on the floor and just talked about random things. Like dolphins and Catholicism."

"He has a rather stream of consciousness mentality to the way he jumps from one topic to the other. I believe he only wished to engage you in conversation, albeit at an inopportune time."

"Yeah..."

"Based on the context of this conversation, I guess that you allowed that conversation to continue without interruption?"

Thomas did. He had put down his phone and it invigorated Remus to have Thomas's undivided attention. It's like he'd been saving up years' worth of ideas for this moment.

And Thomas... Thomas didn't want to take that away from him.

"Yeah, I did," Thomas admits meekly, as if he'd been in the wrong. Was it so wrong of him?

Janus sweeps by them on his way to peruse Thomas's book collection. Thomas would think it's an excuse to eavesdrop if Janus hadn't been spending the past few days with his nose in a book. At the very least, he may be taking his sweet time going about it, thumbing through the options.

Janus does indeed reveal he's been listening by commenting, "You're not going to offend him if you tell him to go away, if that's what you're worried about."

"That's not..." Thomas rubs his knuckles together. He squints his eyes as if that will reveal his feelings better. "I don't want to tell anyone to go away."

Janus shrugs and doesn't say anything further. His silence rattles Thomas more than what he could say. It leaves him thinking on it more.

Logan taps at his chin and Thomas waits for him to make sense of this for him. "Perhaps not to go away then. If it is reframed more politely as you saying, 'I am interested in this topic, but as I am busy at the moment, could we discuss this at a later time?' Would that be preferential?"

Still no. Thomas shakes his head.

"What do you believe would happen if you did say something along those lines?"

Thomas imagines it. He imagines cutting off Remus. How it would kill the light in his eyes. He thinks of pushing Roman out of his room. How he'd feel betrayed after Thomas promised to entertain his dreams. He pictures Virgil at his door, Thomas snapping at him to leave him alone. How Virgil would think he doesn't appreciate him.

"I don't want to make them feel bad," Thomas says at length. "And I don't want them to hate me."

Logan places a hand on his shoulder. It's solid and grounding, and for a moment Logan is almost distracted by the contact but pushes through it.

"Remember what we discussed the other day? And how Virgil verbalized a similar fear? That he was afraid you would hate us? You are jumping to a false conclusion and imagining the worst-case scenario. This is known as catastrophizing."

"Besides that," Janus adds, comparing two books in his hands, "if voicing what makes you uncomfortable makes someone upset, then they obviously only care about their own self-interests."

Logan nods in agreement. "For relationships to succeed, communication must take place in some form. If you struggle to verbalize your needs, I would like to propose an alternative."

The proposal is Thomas's stuffed bear Benjamin.

It's wonderfully simple, if a little silly. Whenever one of them has forgotten themselves and phase through a door or wall they should not have, Thomas hands them the bear. It's a wordless gesture that says, "I see you, I'm not mad at you, this is just a reminder." Surprisingly, everyone is supportive of the idea.

Maybe a little too supportive. They are so eager to not overstep into Thomas's life that they frequently overcompensate. As Benjamin becomes an accepted part of Thomas expressing his need for space, Thomas picks up on how much the others are reluctant to voice their need for space. Or their wants in general.

"You guys can come to me if you need anything," Thomas had told them during their heart-to-heart the other day. "If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know."

They said sure.

They didn't lie. They're just afraid.

The most Thomas has gotten out of them is Logan and Roman expressing interest in aiding Thomas with meal prep. It's okay now and then, but Thomas makes it clear that it's not necessary and that he absolutely should still be responsible in making his own meals occasionally or order takeout. Logan sketches out a weekly schedule to assist in everyone's expectations, and Roman lists all of the recipes he would like to try.

It's not that fair though. It's for Thomas. The others can't exactly eat.

Or....can they?

"I know you guys don't need to, but have you tried eating?" Thomas asks them. They're sitting at the dining table, a notebook between them.

"Many a time," Roman says. "Every time you eat cookies, Patton tries to steal some. And don't get me started on when you bring donuts home. Logan-"

Logan butts in, "Ahem, Thomas doesn't need that many details, thank you Roman," He fidgets with the pen in his hands, tapping it against the wired spirals of the notebook.

Roman jerks his head in Logan's direction while giving Thomas a look that screams Logan would very much like to try a donut.

Thomas holds back a grin. "But what about lately? Since you guys can touch things better now."

Logan shares a glance with Roman. "There's no need. We don't feel hunger. However..."

"Is it possible?" Roman ties into his thoughts.

"To what end? Do we have a working digestive tract? Could the food be converted to energy? Or would it phase through us at a certain point?"

"There's only one way to find out."

Thomas gets up to scrounge around his kitchen. He thinks he should really go grocery shopping soon; he's running low on quick snacks. He settles for some pretzel sticks and returns to the table.

"Who wants to go first?" he asks.

Logan gestures to the bag for Roman, showing he would rather observe. Roman plucks the pretzel bag from Thomas's hands and stares at the packaging curiously. Cautiously, he removes the clamp sealing it closed and pulls out a stick.

"Can you smell it?" Logan asks.

Roman's face pinches in minor disgust. "Why would I smell it? I'm supposed to taste it, Sub-astute Teacher."

"Smell is entwined with the ability to taste. Without it, perception of flavors would be extremely limited."

"Oh, well," Roman says and gives the stick a whiff. Then he gives it a bigger whiff.

"Anything?"

"I guess? It's different. I don't think pretzel sticks have a strong smell anyway, do they?"

"Go ahead and try it."

Roman nibbles the stick. They observe his jaw movements and listen to the muffled crunching of his teeth. He chews mechanically, much longer than anyone would need to. His brows raise just about to his hairline as he swallows.

"It's salty!" he announces excitedly. "I hate it! I can taste it! And I hate it!"

Roman tosses the rest of the stick in his mouth and plunders into the bag for more. Thomas and Logan watch incredulously as he polishes off the whole bag. Roman never stops telling them about how horrible they taste. He finishes the bag and smacks his mouth.

"Ugh, it's so dry!"

Thomas wordlessly retrieves Roman a cup of juice. Roman gleefully downs the glass in one go.

"That's so much better! What is this? It's so sweet!"

"Apple juice?"

"I love apple juice! Logan! I love apple juice!"

"Yes, I have gathered."

"I must tell all of my friends about this!"

That evening, they gather round the kitchen with everyone to taste test everything in Thomas's fridge and cabinets. If Thomas needed to go grocery shopping before, he certainly needs to after this. They have no limits to their stomach capacities. Patton eats a giant stack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and claims he feels no fuller for the effort. Virgil scarfs down an entire tub of rocky road ice cream with such feral intensity that he's left abashed after.

"It was okay, I guess," Virgil says too nonchalantly.

"Who let this raccoon in here?" Janus comments, to which Virgil hisses.

"If we can eat things now, does that mean we'll need to shit?" Remus questions. He's found the pickle jar and is sharing with Logan. They seem to enjoy salty/sour flavors more. "Because then Virgil's gonna have the shits later."

"That was an intolerable amount of lactose," Logan agrees.

Roman whines in protest through a mouth full of pizza, "Must you speak of such crass things while we're eating?"

"It's not like we're real humans," Virgil says, but looks doubtfully at the empty ice cream container while holding his tummy.

Janus has discovered the beauty of wine and has been sipping religiously at a glass. "Real enough to eat."

"Are you feeling the effects of the alcohol?" Logan pauses to wonder.

"I don't think so, but I'm nothing if not determined."

"Spitters are quitters," Remus says, finding some kind of relevance with that train of thought to the current context. When Virgil smirks and says something about professionals gargling, Roman screeches like a banshee. Thomas thinks that is the point of Virgil's interference. He shares a fist bump with Remus.

"Anyway, back to our shit talking," Remus says peppily. Roman's face turns an impressive shade of red.

Janus snickers into his glass, "Oh I am here for shit talking. Who are we shit talking about?"

"Your mom!"

"How very original, Remus."

"Is it okay if I eat the rest of this peanut butter?" Patton asks Thomas. There's not much left in the jar anyway.

Thomas smiles. "Go for it, buddy."

Patton does a happy little shuffle dance and goes to town. The others go back to questioning if they will need to start using the bathroom now. Thomas asks what Patton thinks, since they're standing by each other and he hasn't been talking much.

Patton nods slowly, sagely. "Everybody poops."

As much as Roman is hilariously uncomfortable with the topic, everyone does share a curiosity to the limits of their corporealness. For the rest of the evening, they keep checking in with each other. "Need to poop yet?" "No, you?" "Nah, need to pee?" "Nah, but how would we know?" "It'd be instinctive." "You're instinctive." "Remus, please desist."

Thomas can confidentially say that he's never been a part of a more bizarre conversational topic.

For those at home wondering, none of them ever felt the urge to go. They are left to surmise that the food and drinks they ingest are entirely utilized with no leftover waste. Furthermore, alcohol has no affect, much to Janus's dismay. It doesn't stop him from trying.

Beyond food, Thomas tries to encourage the others to ask him for things they want. Something as simple as watching a movie is a challenge. If they sit down together to pick a movie, it always comes back to what does Thomas want to watch. And even when Thomas isn't watching TV or doing anything with his electronics, they will jump up from them as if electrocuted and ask him if he'd like the TV or computer.

Patton's the worst about it. Thomas nearly felt bad about telling him, "No, I'm good, you can keep watching whatever." It's like he can't believe he isn't monopolizing Thomas's belongings. So they get into "nice-offs" where they're trying to be courteous to each other. "No, you can." "No, you, I insist!" That sort of thing. There's an edge of panic to Patton when he does this.

If only this were as easy as handing him a stuffed bear.

After a few times, Thomas can't stand to see him this way and finally grabs the offered tv remote out of his hands. The brief relief that washes over Patton is replaced by confusion when Thomas sets the remote on the coffee table. Then confusion transforms into astonishment as Thomas grabs one of his hands in both of his.

"Patton, you're okay," Thomas tells him. "You're allowed to enjoy yourself. I don't always need the tv, and whenever I do want it, I promise I'll let you know."

Patton stares so hard at their joined hands that Thomas wonders if he can hear him. They haven't held hands since that day Patton cried. Haven't touched either. Thomas suspects...no, he knows it's a sore subject. He knows with Patton, and most of the others, maybe all of them? They've lacked human touch for so long that they don't know what to do with themselves whenever they receive it. They must crave it. Hell, Janus was brought to tears because Thomas touched his face.

It's another process though, another adjustment. It's a lot of responsibility placed on Thomas for these people he's just starting to know. He likes them, he does. He's caught off guard sometimes by how much he enjoys their company, the sparks they bring to his life as he learns more about them. It's not a bad thing by any means.

Thomas holds Patton's hand and hopes this is a good step. He caresses the top of Patton's hand with a thumb, and Patton's eyes flick, watching the movement.

"You're the priority though," Patton says softly, at a loss.

Thomas's heart breaks for them.

He leads Patton by the hand back to the couch. They sit together and Thomas gently nudges the remote into Patton's hand that he isn't holding.

"Sometimes, maybe. But right now? It's your time. What do you want to watch?"

With a subdued joy that Thomas hopes one day will have all the strength of a hurricane, Patton clicks through the apps and turns on 'Steven Universe'. Thomas sticks with him to watch. He's already seen it, but he'll watch it again any day. Plus, he doesn't want to take his hand away when Patton clutches so tightly.

They progress in paces of patience. Soon, Thomas will need to jump fully back into work now that he's recovered from his sickness. He's texted his team and he'll be meeting with them tomorrow.

The big question is, will his new roommates be able to interact with them?

"We should engage in preliminary testing," Logan suggests.

Roman cheers, "I concur! Why wait for tomorrow what you could do today?"

"Famous last words," Virgil quips.

"Then what do you suggest, Negative Nancy?"

"Why even try? If you never try, then you can never fail. If you never fail, then you won't be disappointed."

"Technically, he's not wrong," Logan admits.

"You're agreeing with him?!"

"I didn't say that. I am no defeatist. I don't fear failure. Indeed, I feel no sense of fear whatsoever."

"God I wish that were me," Thomas bemoans his introverted existence.

"How about I streak naked down the street?" Remus suggests. "That'll get some looks!"

Logan is not the only one who doesn't possess a sense of fear, apparently.

There's enough interest amongst the group to go forward with the testing today. Patton thanks Remus for his contribution but tries to let him down gently and say maybe another time. Roman supplies fanciful ideas of vigilante fighting. Even if bad guys can't see them, they can pretend Thomas has telekinesis powers and make him look cool by floating things at the enemy. Patton also thanks Roman for his contributions but tries to let him down gently as well.

"How about shopping?" Janus says. "I'm always a hoe for a shopping spree. Especially when it's someone else's money that's being spent."

"Thomas isn't some cash cow," Virgil reminds him with narrowed eyes.

"No, don't be silly, he's a cash man."

Before they can get into it, Thomas chimes in, "Sure, I can spare a bit. Where would you guys like to go?"

Predictably, Remus says a sex shop. For the first time, Thomas can kinda see how long-term exposure might render the others a little dismissive towards him. But it is a valid option! Thomas is a grown man, with grown man needs. He's just...not gonna be going to an adult store with people he just became friends with. That's like, level fifty in terms of friendship.

"How about a grocery store?" Logan says. "It would be a practical way to spend your money."

"That's his way of saying he wants more Crofters jam," Virgil translates. Logan doesn't spare him a glance and simply mutters, "Falsehood."

Thomas feels in a teasing mood, so he asks Virgil, "And what about you?"

"Me?" Virgil lifts a singular eyebrow. It's a thinner brow than Thomas's, as if he shapes them. Thomas can imagine him easily with an eyebrow piercing. It'd go great with his aesthetic.

Why is he thinking so much about Virgil's eyebrows?

Thomas inwardly shakes himself and plasters a smirk on his face. "Yeah, you. Do you want some more ice cream?"

Virgil gives a mixture of a scoff and a cough. He shoves his hands in his pockets. "Spend your money however you want, Sanders."

"And that's Virgil's way of saying yes, he would love more ice cream," Janus translates.

Patton raises a hand. "Can we get more peanut butter?"

"And pickles?" Remus asks.

"Oh, how about pizza!" Roman says.

"Sure, anything you guys want," Thomas smiles, unable to hold himself back from wanting to indulge them.

Thomas hops in his car and drives to his local Walmart. Logan rides shotgun while Roman, Remus, and Patton squish together in the backseat. It's a twelve-minute ride that the three backseat passengers insist must be enjoyed with all the enthusiasm of an eight-hour road trip. They play car games to pass the time, and Thomas plays the radio for background noise. Logan points out a traffic light in disrepair before Thomas notices and reminds him to treat the intersection as a four-way stop.

They reach Walmart and it's not as dreadfully busy as it could be, but it's still Walmart. Thomas exits the car and trudges up to the store like a man going to war.

It takes him a bit to realize that the others have suddenly gone missing. Surrounded by strangers after spending over a week at home is a bit of a slap to the senses. Thomas is more troubled with securing a shopping cart and avoiding bumping into anyone. He surveys the store and debates where to start before heading towards the very back of the grocery section, intending to work his way up.

By the time he's grabbing a pack of butter, Thomas notices the immediate quiet. There's a chill that's not coming from the cooler beside him. He cranes his neck around to look over the buzzing masses. People pass this way and that. A lady with five kids getting milk. An old man perusing the discount baked goods rack. A couple heading towards the deli counter. More and more inconsequential bodies flit across his vision. And in the middle of the aisle, as if the rest of the world falls away and his eyes are drawn to him, there stands Virgil.

He stands alone, the brightness of his purple patches standing out amongst the crowd. Calmly, he watches people pass by him. No one looks his way, not even once. A teenager passes right through him on her way to catch up with her parents. Virgil's lips twitch up and he turns to meet Thomas's gaze.

Thomas is held captive in the moment. Virgil looks at him, and there's no guessing what's on his mind. Thomas knows. He knows it in his heart.

Virgil shrugs helplessly. They gave it a shot. This changes nothing. He'll tell himself he doesn't want to be perceived anyway while ignoring that little piece inside that pleads otherwise. That piece that's been waiting for so long for someone to just look and notice and not act like he isn't there, like he doesn't exist.

It's a lonely thing to watch the world go by and be told that you can't partake.

As much as it hurts, it's okay, because Thomas at least sees him for who he is. It's enough.

Yet again, Thomas thinks they deserve so much more.

***

The ride back to his apartment is significantly less noisy. Thomas catches glimpses of Virgil and Janus in the rearview mirror sitting in the backseat, neither talking, both looking out their respective windows. They disappear once Thomas parks the car, and Patton and Logan join him while he empties the trunk of its groceries. They're also far too quiet for comfort as they help carry bags inside.

The next day rolls by, Thomas meets with his team, and Roman lingers in the background, an unseen guest. Thomas can see his wistful smile as he watches Thomas interact with his friends. There's longing there to be included. When no one's looking, Thomas offers him a wave. It's enough of an acknowledgement that Roman perks up and swings his feet a bit where he sits on a table.

The meeting goes well. They've brainstormed some future video ideas and have a shooting schedule mapped out. Best of all, no one looks at Thomas like he's a walking hazard. They seem to be relieved that he's recovered and well rested and more responsive than he's been in a long time. Thomas returns home afterwards, and life goes on.

There's not much in the way of testing discussed after that, for a while at least. The previous lack of success is disheartening, and really though, what else is there to test? They are real people to Thomas only.

And Thomas would be a liar if he doesn't admit that he occasionally speculates if this makes him clinically insane. As real as they are to him, no one else can see or interact with them. Doesn't that check the boxes on a lot of psych evaluation tests?

If it's a form of insanity, it's a relatively mild one in terms of negative impact. It could be a lot worse. He's sure Logan could grant him some neat facts to put it all in perspective. That would involve telling Logan about his concerns revolving whether they are real or not. He doesn't want him to think he's invalidating his existence.

Isn't he though? By just questioning this, isn't there a part of his mind that still can't wrap around this? What more can he do to prove to himself that they truly exist?

Without conversing to the others about it, Thomas discreetly slips out his phone and snaps a picture of Remus. He's just sitting on the living room floor, swaying back and forth absent-mindedly. You can see the corner of the entertainment center in the picture. It's not a remarkable picture by any means and doesn't have the best lighting, but Remus brings a sense of peculiarity with his dark prince outfit.

The picture is taken with none the wiser. Thomas purses his lips and stares at his phone screen. He taps his fingers on the back of the case.

Remus's figure never fades. It's definitely a picture of him. Now what does he do with it?

He can send it to someone. Just to see if they can see an image of the others. If not in person, maybe they can be viewed through technological means? But who should he send it to? Not his brothers. Or his parents. Hmm, he can't think of a friend he can send it to without garnering a series of questions for an explanation. Well, he can possibly play it off. But what if he can't?

He scrolls through his contact list before spying his godson's name. Gavin sends him random stuff all the time. Thomas can just tell him it's a meme trend or something.

Trying not to overthink it, Thomas sends the pic along with a question, What do you see in this picture?

A few very nail-biting minutes later, Gavin responds. Is that ur house?

That isn't...the worst response.

Yeah lol

Ur tv cord? Idk is something I'm missing?

Yeah, the invisible man. You can't see him?

Nah, he invisible.

Darn, I told him to turn off that setting before I took the pic. Maybe next time.

Gavin sends back a laughing emoji.

That settles that. If Gavin could see Remus, he would have said something about his outfit or ask who he is or why he's at Thomas's apartment. The kid asks a lot of questions, and to be fair, Remus is very questionable in general.

Thomas doesn't let the others know of his discovery. What they don't know can't hurt them, right?

It turns out to be truer than Thomas can imagine. Curiosity killed the cat. Ignorance is bliss. Be careful what you wish for.

While no one has spoken of the discoveries from the Walmart outing, it doesn't mean it hasn't been on their minds. In fact, Logan in particular has taken notes to record the aspects of their existence. He approaches Thomas and shows him some of his theories and hypothesis.

"I would like to attempt a new test, if you would be so inclined," Logan says, and while he holds his posture well, Thomas senses an underlying nervousness to him.

Thomas doesn't want to deny him this, not when they've struggled with learning how to reach out to him.

"What do you have in mind?" Thomas asks.

They relocate to the backyard. Everyone else joins them. They probably would have anyway, but Logan specifically requests that everyone convene together.

"Are we finally running into oncoming traffic?" Remus asks excitedly, bouncing on his heels.

"Not today, Remus. I have devised an experiment to test the boundaries of our physical attachment to Thomas. Prior to Thomas's illness, we could not stray beyond roughly eighty feet from Thomas. When arriving to this distance, we experience a tethering sensation, as if we cannot walk any further. With the increase to our corporeal prowess, I suggest we ascertain whether this distance remains or if it has increased."

"So you just want us to go for a walk?" Patton asks.

"Oh, why didn't you just say that, Isaac Nerdton?" Roman scoffs.

Logan adjusts his glasses. "Because I wanted all parties to know precisely what– okay, fine. We are going for a walk. But!" He claps his hands to accentuate his point. "This will be regulated so that we can account for all variables. I suggest we test one subject at a time to calculate if there are any differences between distance amongst us."

Thomas raises his hand and waits for Logan to call on him. "So what do I do?"

"You just stand there."

"Cool, I can do that. I'm good at standing."

"Who's gonna go first?" Virgil asks. He shifts his gaze between everyone to see if someone will volunteer.

Patton shrugs. "I could, I guess?"

"What would this prove anyway?" Janus comments, snide in the way he checks his nails through his glove. It would be a funny image if he didn't sound genuinely dismissive of the whole affair. "This won't change anything. Even if we miraculously can wander off to new horizons, Thomas is still the only person who can see us."

"We could break into people's houses and steal their stuff," Remus says.

"Let's not take other people's things," Patton says. "We wouldn't want people to come steal from Thomas, would we? It's not right."

"Morality only matters to those who have a place in society. Last I checked, we don't."

Patton deflates and looks at Janus with a pained expression. "I think it still matters how you treat people..."

"Good for you," Janus says, sickly sweet.

Virgil steps between the two of them. "Okay, what crawled in your ass and died?"

"Cynicism? Disillusionment? A reality check? Take your pick."

Virgil growls and looks at Logan. "You know what? I'll go."

"Wait, wait, let's not start things off angry," Thomas urges. Virgil has begun walking, so Thomas skitters up behind him, grasping on to his jacket. Virgil halts but doesn't turn around.

"This is merely for educational purposes. I did not expect this to warrant a strong emotional reaction."

Roman claps a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Not your fault, Specs. Someone must have pissed in Janus's cheerios this morning."

Janus crosses his arms and puts on an unaffected tone, "Do whatever you wish. Don't let me stop you."

Thomas shares a look with Logan. "I'd like to go through with the test because it's important to Logan. Whether what we discover is any different than what you guys are used to, it doesn't matter. What matters is that it's important to Logan to find out."

There's a brief softening of the eyes behind Logan's glasses. He shuffles quickly with his notebook and pen and then unceremoniously dumps them into Roman's arms.

Roman sputters, "What–?"

"I'll do it," Logan announces. "After all, this is my hypothesis. I will take the initiative and be the first to go."

Logan gestures for Thomas to step aside to the "starting point". Thomas lets go of Virgil hesitantly, but Virgil doesn't protest or turn to look. Thomas shuffles over to the side in the grass and holds still while Logan stands beside him.

"I will count my steps as I go along to measure the distance. Once I reach a point I can no longer move forward, I'll return."

"Okay, easy peasy," Thomas says with false cheer.

Janus doesn't debate any more. Patton offers no assurances. Remus doesn't interrupt. Roman holds the notebook stiffly. And Virgil's head only moves as Logan walks by him. He watches as Logan treks across the grass behind the apartment complex.

Logan keeps his head bowed, watching his steps with careful attentiveness. He crosses the road and carries on through more grass. He rapidly approaches the tree line that begins there on the other side.

"Anyone wanna make bets?" Remus asks. The suggestion falls on deaf ears, but Patton does come over to stand beside him and hold his hand. It must not be a frequent occurrence because Remus glances down at him in surprise but doesn't discourage it.

For Thomas's part, his eyes are glued to Logan's back. His form is getting smaller, more distant.

"That's more than eighty feet," Virgil murmurs, loud in the quiet. His hand scratches at his neck, and when that doesn't seem to do anything for him, he shakes out his hands. Then he shakes out his hands again.

Roman turns to gauge Virgil. He frowns at what he sees, though Thomas can't see Virgil's face from this angle. "You good, Virge?"

"I don't like this," Virgil admits. His foot begins tapping a mad dance into the ground.

"I don't either," Patton drones, morose. Perhaps he's sensitive from Janus's remarks.

Logan treads into the woods. They can see his black polo and blue jeans through the spindly tree trunks. At first, he's there, but quickly he's swallowed into the vegetation.

Virgil runs his fingers through his hair and blows out a stream of air. "What if he gets lost?"

Roman laughs, "Get lost? He's going in a straight line, Virge."

"What if something happens to him? What if– what if– I don't like this."

"I thought you were on board with this."

Virgil doesn't answer. He starts pacing back and forth, and Thomas can see his expression now in his peripheral. His brows are knotted, eyes too wide. His pacing becomes erratic.

"Hey, hey, don't do that. You're just gonna work yourself up," Roman calls to him, coming over to stop him. Virgil tries to walk around him, but Roman blocks his path.

"Why didn't one of us go with him? We should have gone with him!"

"Virgil, please, it'll be alright. Pat, may I have an emergency dose of positivity over here?"

"I don't like this," Patton repeats, and his tone is even more dejected. He holds onto Remus's arm with both hands. He leans into him, shaking at the arm insistently. "I don't like this."

"...Patton?" Remus hums in confusion. He looks around to the others to see if they're witnessing how close to crying Patton seems, but Thomas's eyes can't leave the tree line where Logan vanished.

"We have to go get him. Please, we have to–"

"Stormcloud, please," Roman soothes, and Virgil clings to the front of his tunic like a drowning man. His breaths are coming shorter and shorter, his words jumbling amongst the gasps. Roman stands there, dumbfounded. "Uh, Remus?"

"Kinda busy with Pat," Remus says, watching as Patton unravels. Tears cascade down his face and the first whimper of a sob comes out. "Okay, what the fuck is going on?"

"He's gonna die, he's gonna die-" Virgil rants over and over and he launches into a full-blown panic attack. "Janus, Janus, help!"

"Please!" Patton wails and falls to his knees. Remus barely manages to catch him and guide him down safely.

Thomas's feet move without intention. He takes one heavy step, then another, movements sluggish and wooden.

Janus is there suddenly, hand at his elbow to stop his forward momentum. Thomas is barely conscious of the peering eyes, one human and one snake. Janus glances between a hysterical Virgil and a sobbing Patton and turns to Thomas.

"Thomas, can you hear me?" he asks.

Thomas can, but it's like he's under water. He tries to step forward again, but Janus won't let him. Thomas feels the resistance as if steel cables are latching onto him with grappling hooks. Serrated edges sink into his flesh. No, no, it's not from outside. It's inside. There's a pull inside him, and it tugs.

"Janus!" Virgil begs.

"Please!" Patton cries.

"What the hell is wrong with them?!"

"I don't know! It's not like this has ever happened before!"

"Janus, what is Thomas doing?"

The words drift over Thomas, like seafoam floating by in a vast sea. There are more important matters to attend, like how he can't see Logan. If Logan is gone, then that means–

"Thomas, listen to me," someone says, and there are hands cupping his face. Thomas can't feel them, yet he knows they're there. "You have to shut this down. You have to stop this. Now."

But Logan is gone. He's gone, and Thomas is left bereft without him. The earth beneath his feet tremors, and the sky splits open in a downpour. The sun will fall and set the world ablaze. And Thomas feels the ache building up in his chest with mind-numbing certainty.

"Thomas!" the voice yells at him, hands shaking him. Thomas looks up into a face that he knows. He knows that face. He knows, he knows, he knows. How could he not? That's why it's so familiar. Why couldn't he see it before?

"I'm sorry," Thomas whispers.

His chest splinters in agony. Fear bleeds out abundant. Grief ravages his heart.

Thomas falls to the ground screaming.

[sequinsmile-x]

BESTIE I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! Contgrats to your 500 followers and thank you for all you do for us Hotchniss shippers💛💛

I’d like to request: Kisses #33: hushed conversation in-between kisses

(Go ahead and make me feel things, I’m here for it!)

THANK YOU <3

And to repay you for your kind words...I've written nearly 3k words of sadness.

You're welcome xoxo

(yes another one became a full blown fic. I am who I am)

-x-

Sanctuary

She didn't understand it. How could she miss something that she never knew she had this much?

Words: 2.9k

Warnings: Major themes of miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Emily wakes up quickly. Torn from sleep by something unknown, dazed and slightly confused as she shakes her head to rid herself of the last tendrils of sleep. She checks the alarm clock on her nightstand and sees it’s 2 am, rolling her eyes as she rubs at them. She sits up, hoping a quick trip to the bathroom will rest her brain and therefore allow her to sleep. 

A sharp pain rolls through her abdomen, making her gasp as she presses her hand to her lower belly. It hurts, her body almost vibrating with it, it barely fades, the pain rolling through her in a way that felt distantly familiar. 

“Em?” 

She curses under her breath at the sound of Aaron’s sleepy voice, the light on his nightstand switching on not even a second later. He’d always been a light sleeper, a side effect of their job and what he’d been through, so he’d probably been awake ever since she had. 

“I’m ok,” she says, not sure she believes herself, the strain in her voice clear, “I think I’m sick or something my…” she groans as the pain briefly gets worse, “My stomach really hurts.” 

He sits up behind her, the mattress shifting as he moves, and he presses a hand to her shoulder. 

“Do you need help to the bathroom?” He asks, kindness to his voice that makes her cheeks burn. She wants to say no, wants to make it there herself, but she’s not sure she can. He’d seen her in worse states she reasons to herself. He’d picked up the pieces after she got way too drunk at a girl's night shortly after they’d moved in together a year ago. 

“Yes,” she says, nodding sharply, “I do.” He stands without further comment, turning the main light on as he does, and he walks round to her side of the bed. She pulls the bedding off from over her lap and he freezes on the spot, his eyes fixed on her with a tinge of horror shining in them. “Em…” 

“What?” She looks down, following his gaze to her lap, and she gasps. She’d bled through her sweatpants and she could see there was also some blood on the mattress below her. It was enough to make alarm rise in her chest.  She swallows thickly, “Wh…what?” She repeats before she looks back up at him as if he had the answers. 

“Ok,” he says, springing into action, his Hotch mask slipping into place as it so often did when there was a crisis. He kisses the top of her head before reaching for her phone because it was closer than his, typing in the passcode before he opens up the contacts, “I’m going to call Jessica, then we’re going to get you changed and to the hospital.” 

“Aaron that-”

“It’s not up for debate,” he says, already pressing Jess’s name in Emily’s phone, “Something is clearly wrong, sweetheart.” 

“It’s probably just my period,” She says, trying to dismiss it, to minimise both of their concerns, “It’s a bit late so…” She drifts off, the realisation hitting her just as quickly as the pain had. She’d felt this pain before, the familiarity of it showing its true face to her as she does the math in her head. She looks back at Aaron and sees how he dials Jess’s number again, clearly having reached her voicemail the first time, “Aaron? I…” she presses her hand into her belly as the cramp rolls through her again, “I think I might be having a miscarriage.” 

His eyes widen in a way that would be comical in any other circumstances, “What?” He asks, “But you aren’t pregnant.”

“I…I think I might be. Or at least,” she clears her throat, pushing down the preemptive sorrow that she doesn’t want to feel, “Or at least I was,” she blows out a breath that seems to catch on every rib on the way out, shuddering as it leaves her, “It feels like…” she pauses to wince, her face screwed up, “It feels like when I was in Rome. After the....” 

She drifts off again, but she knows she doesn’t have to say anything else, that she doesn’t have to explain any further as he closes his eyes, the realisation hitting him too. She’d told him about it when they first got together. Pieces finally fallinginto place for him that had been missing ever since the case when she had acted so differently from her usual self. Another thing this woman he loved had gone through. Another piece of proof of her unyielding strength. 

Any reply he might have is cut off as the phone finally connects to Jess, her sleepy voice coming down the line.

“Jess, I’m so sorry to call at this time of day.” 

He reaches out and grabs Emily’s hand as he explains the situation to Jess, and she can hear the muffled sounds of the other woman rushing around her home on the other end. 

If love would be enough to help, Emily knew she had it in abundance. 

___

It feels like days, not a matter of hours, have passed when she’s next in their bedroom. She feels dazed, like she’s watching everything around her happening from behind a glass wall. 

“Sweetheart?” 

She turns to look at Aaron, unmistakable sadness on his face that she can hardly bear to look at, something she refused to call guilt gnawing at her insides. Her eyes flick to his hand, to the bag he’s carrying full of medication that he’d listened to the instructions for, and medical grade sanitary towels that the kind nurse had given them because of the time of day it was when Emily was discharged. Aaron said he’d go out later to get more, and it makes her stomach turn.

She’d bought the same ones for JJ when she’d just had Henry. 

“Do you need anything?” He asks, a desperate look in his eyes that tells her he would do anything to help her. That he’d go right across town to the tiny bakery she liked the pastries from and camp outside until they opened if it made her feel even the tiniest bit better. 

“I think I just need to sleep,” she says, turning towards the bed and finally looking at it. They hadn’t made it before they left, the sheets and comforter thrown all over the place, the blood she’d lost still standing out against the sheets. A physical manifestation of the panic that tinged the air. 

The bed looked different now. Pulled together neatly like it was in a hotel, bedding she recognised from the closet that she’d washed and put away only that week.

“Jess said she changed the bed,” he explains, his gaze burning into the back of her head, “She said she didn’t want you to-”

“I’ll have to remember to thank her,” she says, cutting him off, polite in a way that makes her sound a little too much like her mother. She walks over to her side of the bed. She was still in pain, her body aching in a way she had forgotten it could. She sits on the edge of the bed and looks at him over her shoulder, “I really do think I just need some sleep.” 

“Ok, I’ll-”

“Alone,” she says, not missing the brief hurt that flashes across his face. “Please.”

It’s a silent standoff for a moment, and she sees the war raging within him. How he is figuring out how to handle this, how to help. He eventually nods sharply, putting the bag of her supplies down on a chair they keep in the corner before retreating to the door.

“Ok, whatever you need, sweetheart,” he says “If you need me-”

“I know,” she cuts over him again, sure if he’s too kind to her that she’ll break, “I know.” 

He nods at her, his lips set in a firm line, before he walks out of the room, the click of the door closing the last sound before she’s plunged into silence. She lays down and curls around her pillow, holding it to her abdomen as if it would ease the ache. 

She finally lets herself cry, everything she’d felt since she had first woken up spilling free. 

___

At first, the knock on the door frustrates her. She pulls the bedding tighter around herself, curling into a ball under it as if she could disappear. She opens her mouth to tell whoever it was, Aaron, to go away, that she wanted to be alone, but she’s cut off by a small voice. 

“Emily?” 

She closes her eyes, screwing them shut tightly as if that alone would stop the seemingly never-ending tears from leaking onto her cheeks. She pulls the bedding back just enough to reveal her face, and she turns towards the door. 

“Hi Jack,” she says, grateful that her voice is relatively even. Gravelly from misuse, but not stuffed full of the sadness she couldn’t shake off, “Are you ok?” 

He hesitates by the door, scratching at the back of his head in a way that he had picked up from Aaron. A tell from both her Hotchner boys that always gave away when they were nervous. He looks back over his shoulder, as if he’s being followed, and then back at her. 

“Daddy said I should leave you alone.” 

It makes her ache, the pain in her chest twisting even tighter. A knot she was sure she’d never be able to undo. Forever tied together around her heart, equal parts grief and love mixing into something she couldn’t name. 

She finds herself briefly furious at her fiancee. The thought that he felt as if he needed to protect her from something, from his son, lighting a fire in her belly. It is extinguished almost as soon as it is lit, sorrow that seemed to be in her very veins a dampener to any other feeling. 

“Come over here, honey,” she pushes the bedding back and holds out a hand to him, a strange defiance against the man she loves that she can’t explain. Jack doesn’t need asking twice. He’s across the room in a second, under the covers and laying on his father's side of the bed. He lays his head on Aaron’s pillow and looks at her, his brows furrowing slightly. 

Emily doesn’t think he’s ever looked more like Aaron. The crease in between his brows. The serious look on his face. The way his jaw was tight.

The concern that shone through the eyes Emily knows he got from his mother. 

“You’re sad?” He asks, reaching out and touching her cheek, his hand meeting the sticky residue left behind by her tears.

“Yes, Jack,” she replies, reaching over and pushing his hair off of his face, idly thinking about how he was well overdue for a haircut, “I’m sad.” 

She hopes he doesn’t ask why, or at least that Aaron has already given him an age-appropriate explanation of what had happened. She doesn’t have it in her to explain it to him, to try and help him make sense of something she didn’t understand herself. 

“Can I help?” He asks, and it feels like a knife to the chest. The look on his face letting her know if he could, he would make her feel better. Yet another thing he had inherited from his father. 

“Oh sweet boy,” she says, pulling him in for a hug that helps her feel grounded but also stops him from seeing the fresh tears spilling out of her lash line, “You do help,” she kisses the side of his head, “You always help.” 

Aaron finds them twenty minutes later, both fast asleep on Emily’s side of the bed and snuggled up. He pulls the door closed, and feels a flash of jealousy that he hates himself for that she’ll let Jack in, but not him. 

___

She feels the bed dip behind her as Aaron joins her. He’d made her eat dinner, a simple meal that he’d put in her hands before he left her to it, the now empty plate on her nightstand. 

He’d spent the day loving her from a distance, giving her the space she’d asked for, the space she needed.

Now, she needed him. 

“I’m sorry,” she says eventually, her voice quiet but loud in the otherwise silent room. 

“What for?” He asks, matching her tone. She rolls over to look at him, laying on her side as her eyes meet his. She shrugs, her lips set in a firm line as her eyes shine with tears. He shifts so he’s laying on his side facing her, he feels his arms twitch to reach out for her, to pull her into his embrace, but he stops himself, not wanting to do anything that would make her shut down again.

“For pushing you away all day,” she explains, her chin trembling, “For the miscarriage. I…I didn’t know.” 

It was the thought that kept playing on a loop in her head. She hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Something she seemingly gained the second she was already losing it, a pain in her chest that seemed to match the cramps in her belly. The grief came as a surprise, her world fuzzy ever since the doctor confirmed her fears in the ER. Everything seemed blurred, out of focus. A ringing in her ears that made it feel like she was underwater, everything too far away to reach out for. 

Except for Aaron. He was always within reach. 

“Oh sweetheart,” he says, finally reaching for her and pulling her into his arms. She goes willingly, curling into his embrace as she buries her face into his shoulder, his t-shirt immediately dampened by her tears, “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.” 

He rubs his hand up and down her back, aware of his own tears slipping down his face, dropping onto the top of her head. Her pain had always been his Achilles heel, the thing that could threaten to tear him apart. Leaving him unravelled, knowing he’d do anything to make her feel better.

He couldn’t fix this. He couldn’t make it better for her, for them, but he could love her. Something that came to him as easily as breathing.

“I don’t understand why it hurts so much,” she says, pulling back to look at him, waving off his concern as he goes to reach for the painkillers for her on his nightstand, “Not the actual pain,” she adds, “I didn’t know I was pregnant, Aaron,” she says again, shaking her head at herself as she sobs, “I had no idea. So why does it hurt this much? I feel so…empty.” 

Aaron places his palm on her cheek and kisses her forehead, then her nose, and then her lips. A delicate thing that he hopes gets across everything he doesn’t have the words for. 

“It’s ok to be sad, Emily. I’m sad too. We lost something today,” He says, his voice barely above a whisper, still matching the tone she’d set when she started the conversation. 

She smiles at him, her lower lip trembling as she cups his neck, her thumb rubbing at his jawline. She shifts so they are sharing his pillow, curled around each other like a vine as she kisses him softly. 

“Something we didn’t know we had,” she replies, resting her forehead against his. “I know we hadn’t really started trying yet,” she says, her smile wavering, “But if it had happened…it would have been nice.” 

Aaron feels his heart clench in his chest, a vice tight around it, grief that he couldn’t have anticipated only 24 hours ago threatening to suffocate him. “It would have been amazing.”

She stamps another kiss on his lips before she rests her head on his chest, curling into him again. 

“When this all hurts a tiny bit less,” she says, her voice shaking, “Can we talk about it? Having a baby I mean.”

She knew their time was limited. That her age and the damage her body had been subjected to over the years could made it difficult, but she wanted this with him. She hadn’t realised quite how much she did want it until it was snatched away from her. 

He holds her impossibly closer, his arms banding tight around her, “Of course sweetheart,” he replies, his lips against her hairline, “Of course we can.” 

He can’t think of anything he’d rather do more. The thought of marrying her, of raising Jack and a kid that was half him and half her with her, enough to ease some of the pain in his chest. The promise of a future a bright spark in the distance. 

He cups the back of her head to hold her in place, his hand running up and down her back in a pattern he hopes will lull her to sleep.

“What do you need, sweetheart?” He asks, “I’ll do anything.” 

She smiles, the first real one all day, and hides it deep in his t-shirt, the press of it against his chest. She knows he means it. That he’d pluck the moon from the sky if she asked him to. Or get out of bed and drive to Mcdonald's and flash his badge until they served him breakfast despite it being the evening. He’d change this for her if he could, just like he would with anything that had ever hurt her. She knows she doesn’t need any of that. 

“You,” she replies, sinking further into him, “This.” 

“I’m right here,” he promises, kissing the top of her head, “I’m here.” 

He always would be. 

-x-

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[cosmic-castor-canadensis]

Does anyone wanna hear the story of the time my phone thought it was 2002? Because I want to tell it.

The actual year was 2022, which I only remember because I wrote it down and I am now going to basically quote that account:

There I was, reading stuff, not the smartest idea for trying to go to sleep, but whatever, when the internet goes out. Not all that weird, but when I look at it, it says it's connected. I shrug it off and check the time. 10:42. I could've sworn I had passed 11:00 ages ago. So I check my watch. It says 11:42. This is weird. I decide to go to my alarms and see how long it says it'll be before they ring. I turn one on, it's still set to some date in July, and my phone says it'll take 19 years to go off. I turn it off and I try again. Same result. I try several more. 19 years, some months, some days, some hours, some minutes. I edit an alarm to be a daily alarm and then turn it off so it will reset to whatever it thinks the date is. It says the alarm will go off on December 29, which means it thinks today is December 28. I do some math and realize my phone thinks it's December 28, 2003 (it's actually 2002, I did my math wrong)

So I'm laying there, wondering what in the world is going on with my phone, when I decide to check wordle. It keeps a timer running until the next game, and I wanted to see what it said. It said error. We cannot give you a game because your clock does not match our clock (more or less). It told me my phone was set to 10:46 December 28, 2002 (at this point I realize I did my math wrong). I decide to screenshot this to show people in the morning.

Then I tried to sleep again, wondering if it would still be there by morning. I didn't sleep. I got back on my phone to find the internet back, my phone displaying the proper date and time, and wordle displaying its countdown. At first I couldn't find the screenshots I took, because they were at the bottom of my camera roll, because my phone thought I took the pictures in 2002.

It happened again 2 days later, but this time it was Dec. 31, 2002, which you might notice is 2 days after the first date it changed to. It happened again 15 days after that and said Jan. 15. And that's it. Unfortunately, I don't have a satisfying conclusion to this story, unless someone can explain what was going on.

[pazodetrasalba]

The Riemann Hypothesis

Dear Caroline:

I really enjoy your math tidbits (and remember you being described somewhere by an ex-professor of yours as 'very mathy'), and really lament you didn't post more on your blog, perhaps because its intended audience didn't include that many mathematicians.

A lot of people work under the assumption that intelligence is something static, and that clever people don't need to study and never make mistakes. I'd say the first aspect could be at least put to questioning (there is some variability in inborn intelligence, and I am pretty sure you have been blessed with a lot of it, but I'd still say that most humans under a presumed standard distribution of IQ would still be able to improve and manage impressive achievements by just clocking in more work and discipline and better study techniques), whereas the second and third are ludicrously absurd and mistaken (so much so they are not 'even wrong'). Clever people commit errors all the time, and even more so in a difficult field like math, but they also learn from them, and even manage to produce some self-deprecating humor, as shown here.

The Riemann Hypothesis is one of the greatest unsolved problems of mathematics, and I have doubts of it being solved in my lifetime. I have watched enough videos and read enough summaries of it in books (for example, in Ian Stewart's excellent Visions of Infinity: The Great Mathematical Problems) to have an idea of the problem -in fact, it is much easier to understand in its outline than other of the Millennium Problems, e.g. the Hodge conjecture or the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer. I also have a couple of books exclusively dedicated to it (The Music of the Primes by Marcus du Sautoy, and Prime Obsession by John Derbyshire) waiting on the bookshelf for some free time of mine to engage with them.

Quote:

Some numbers have the special property that they cannot be expressed as the product of two smaller numbers, e.g., 2, 3, 5, 7, etc. Such numbers are called prime numbers, and they play an important role, both in pure mathematics and its applications. The distribution of such prime numbers among all natural numbers does not follow any regular pattern.  However, the German mathematician G.F.B. Riemann (1826 - 1866) observed that the frequency of prime numbers is very closely related to the behavior of an elaborate function

    ζ(s) = 1 + 1/2^s + 1/3^s + 1/4^s + ...

called the Riemann Zeta function. The Riemann hypothesis asserts that all interesting solutions of the equation

    ζ(s) = 0

lie on a certain vertical straight line.

This has been checked for the first 10,000,000,000,000 solutions. A proof that it is true for every interesting solution would shed light on many of the mysteries surrounding the distribution of prime numbers.

[the-record]

The City of Romance (Part 4)

Summary: On Spencer’s mandatory leave, he plans a trip to Paris, France where he meets an unforgettable face.

Part 4 summary: It’s Christmas!

Italics: Translation French to English. Bold: Song lyrics

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Non-BAU!Fem!Reader

A/N: Ahh yes the beloved fluff. There will be angst (as there is in any relationship) and some other things but we all know how much I love love. Like it’s sickening. 

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Check out my masterlist here!

“Spence! You ready?” 

At 6 months, Spencer asked you to move in with him. You spent a lot of time at his place already so you of course said yes. His place already kind of felt like yours so you had a natural routine down. Today was different. To most it was you average Friday. Last day of the week before the notorious and anticipated winter break. For you? For you, it was the day your class was going to meet Spencer. They had been begging you after seeing a polaroid of the two of you in your phone case. So, you asked him to come in and read to the class. 

“Yeah, one second!” You were putting on your coat and boots when Spencer came out. He was wearing the usual white button up and cardigan with dress pants and converse. The best part of that day’s outfit, was his tie. It was white with navy blue, to match the cardigan, silhouettes of dinosaurs on it. They were something your kids had an infatuation with. You giggled softly when you saw it.

“Nice tie. Boy genius is starting to seem like fitting nickname.” You winked at him before throwing his coat at him. He miraculously managed to catch it from across the room.

“Shut up. You’re literally wearing a 1950′s style Christmas dress with mistletoe in your ponytail.” You gaped at him and scoffed.

“It’s for teaching!” He raised his eyebrows. “The kids love history and I thought this would be perfect. My lesson plan has us teaching them about Christmas throughout the decades.” You took out the small plant from your hair and held it over the both of your heads. “And this... This is for you.” You leaned into him, on your tiptoes, placing a kiss on his lips before pulling away and putting the branch into your hair again. You gripped his hand in yours. “Now, come one before I am late.”

He followed your lead, walking behind you out of the apartment before heading to school on the metro. School was never kind to him, but if you were there everything would be okay. You were practically buzzing from excitement. Like his team was his family, these kids started to feel like yours. You couldn’t tell them things that you could tell adults, but they were the most understanding people in the world and you would do absolutely anything for them. When you arrived outside the school, hand in hand with Spencer, her thought you might just run all the way down and speed up time so the children got there quicker. If you could do that, you would’ve. Instead you walked with Spencer and prepped the room for teaching. You set out cards for every kid and set up the party later today. You printed and got worksheets prepared while Spencer chose what he was going to read. Finally the day was set and ready and the kids were set to arrive soon. Spencer sat in the back reading so he didn’t disturb the usual morning routine.

Kids began to line up at the door where you stood. “Good morning class! I know we are so excited about our guest and the party today but we still have lots of learning to do!” You called out, standing in front of the line. “At each of your spots is your morning work along with a coloring page for when you finish. Hang up your coats and bag and do those while we wait for all of our friends to arrive!” You walked inside the classroom with little boys and girls following you in. You sat in the front, correcting if a child ran or didn’t put away their stuff the right way. Spencer watched in awe as you interacted with every single human in the room. He watched as you helped kids with the math or reading they had been assigned.

“Ms. Y/L/N?” You looked up from the paper you were looking at to the voice you heard. It was a little girl named Charlotte. 

“Yes Charlotte?” You made eye contact with the small girl, something you had established was good for making conversations.

“Is that your prince in the back of the room?” Your face flushed as a smile made it’s way on your face. The same giggle from this morning erupted from your lips.

“Yes sweetheart. That is my prince.” You winked at Spencer from the front of the room. “Okay kiddos, today is very exciting. Last day of school before winter break and a party! However, we have lots of learning to do. That starts with fixing our calendar!” 

The day went smoothly and everything was fun and exciting for the kids. You were so grateful for Spencer being there because if it wasn’t for him, you would have never even made it to lunch time. 

“Alright, when the kids get back we have social studies, then story time, and wrap up the day with the party. You my good prince, are going to be helping Ms. Y/L/N the rest of the day.” You told him. He and you had stayed in the classroom to eat pizza the secretary had ordered for all teachers.

“Okay, I have to ask. Why am I the prince?” You smiled and covered your full mouth with your hand before telling him the story.

“The girl ran down the stairs, leaving only a glass slipper. She had to get out before the clock struck midnight.” Your phone buzzed in your jean pocket. It was Spencer. He never called you in the day and he was supposed to be on a case right now. You sat the book down making sure not to lose the page. “Sorry kiddos. Everyone stay here and chat while I take this.” You left the gabbing children to answer the call in the hallway. “Spencer? Are you ok?”

“Hey, yeah I’m okay. We got the unsub and I’m heading home early...” He trailed off. 

“What’re you not telling me?”

“It’s nothing, it’s just- I wanted to check on you. Something really big happened today and I can’t explain it but I just needed to know you were okay.” You smiled.

“I’m okay.” You peered back into your classroom. “School is almost done, I have to get back but I’ll see you when you at home, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go teach some kids for me. I love you.”

“I love you too.” You hung up the phone and walked back in, still checking your phone.

“Ms. Y/L/N? Who is that in the picture with you on your phone?” You scrunched your eyebrows together, flipping the rectangle in your hand to look at the back. Your face relaxed when you saw the picture of you and him. Penelope had taken it when you were dancing with him to You Belong with Me in David’s backyard.

“That’s... That’s my bestfriend.” You spoke in a hushed tone.

“Is he your prince?” You let out a laugh through your nose.

“Yes. Yes, he is my prince.”

“Wow. That is adorable and now I have a favorite kid.” You smiled and looked at the time. The kids would be getting back in a minute so the both of you quickly cleaned up. You sat for a moment, nursing a Dr. Pepper while you waited for the sound of tiny feet rushing to the door. When you did you quickly stood up to open the door. The people outside the door quickly filled the room as you got ready to teach. 

“Was your guys’ lunch good?” There were yeses around the room. “Well that is absolutely magnificent.” You turned to the front of the room to start teaching. “Should we get started on social studies now?”

“Alrighty ighty, that is all we have left today. Who knows what time it is?” Every kid from every table raised their hand in excitement. “Dominic.”

“Story time!” You smiled.

“That’s right! Now i want everyone to welcome our guest!” You grabbed Spencer’s hand and pulled him to the front of the classroom. He sat down in the chair you had pulled up. “This is my very good friend Mr. Reid. And Mr. Reid does really good story time voices so I need you all to listen,” You pointed to your ears with both hands. “Watch,” Your fingers moved to point at your eyes. “And think,” You moved your hands one last time to point at your head. “About the the story!” You winked at Spencer, signaling for him to get started.

“Hey kids!” There was an abundance of hellos and heys from around the room. “My name is Mr. Reid but you can call me Spencer. Today we are reading one of my all time favorite books!” He pulled out a book from behind his back. It was one that your father gave you many many years ago. “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” He opened the book and began to read. “Every Who down in Who-Ville like Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just north of Who-Ville did not!” Each voice differed from the other. His Grinch voice was hearty and deep making the children giggle, while his Who voice was higher and peppy. You sat next to the children, watching in awe just as they did. You didn’t look away not for a second. You didn’t have to. They were all entranced by his magical voices. No one talked and no one dared to move. The story was too compelling.

“And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light, and brought back the toys! And the food for the feast! And he... He himself! The Grinch carved the roast beef.” He closed the book, soaking in the claps and whoops from the children. From you... 

“Well Spencer that was absolutely fantastic! Do you guys agree?” Claps and screams floated around the room, bouncing off the walls to his ears. “Alright settle down, settle down. I know we are all very excited about the amazing story we just heard but we must get ready for our party!” You walked to front of the room and flicked on the lights that were off. “Okie dokie. I need everyone, when I say go, to walk to their cubbies and grab their coats and bags. Then I want everyone to walk back to their seats and place their belongings on the back of their chair before walking to get in line. I want no talking until we get in line so we can hurry and get down to the gym for the party! Ça sonne bien?” “Sound good?”

“Sounds good!” They all announced loudly.

“Alrighty, go!” They all rushed to stand up but walked careful around, packing up their bags and coats. “Your voices really are fantastic Mr. Reid. I think I might need you to come and read more often.” He blushed at your words.

“Well thank you Ms. Y/L/N. If we weren’t standing in a room filled with kindergarteners right now, I would totally kiss you.” You giggled and look down at your hands trying to hide the blush rising to your cheeks. “They really adore you ya’ know.”

“Not as much as they adore you Spence. I’ve never seen them so interested in a book before.” You looked around to see the little humans were all in line staring at you in silence. “Well...” You cleared your throat. “I heard that moms and dads are setting up right now, so I want everyone to be quiet and walk down the hallway single file. Can you do that for me?” They all nodded and you started walking down with them behind you to the gym. “Everyone go in and listen to Mrs. Jenkins so she can tell you what to do! I’ll be down to take outside for dismissal in a little! Be good for Mrs. Jenkins!” They all walked in their quickly leaving you and Spencer in the hallway. You grabbed his hand and pulled him back to your classroom. “Come on, I have something I want to show you.” You and him ran down the hallway to your room where you shut the door and walked to your desk. You pulled out a box wrapped in brown wrapping paper. You held it out. “Open it.”

He took the box carefully and slowly undid it. He opened the large purple box under the wrapping to the reveal a picture frame. It had a picture of you and him. It was from one of the dinners you went to. You had asked the waitress to take a photo while he wasn’t looking. You and him were laughing about something. 

“Turn it over.” He did just that to see a note from you and the lyrics to You Belong with Me.  As he read it you saw his eyes fill with tears. He set it down gently, careful not to break it before pulling you into a sweet kiss. 

“Thank you Y/N/N. I love it, so so much.” You smiled. “I love you, so so much.”

“I love you too.” Your arms fell around your torso and his around your shoulders in a hug. He kissed your head before resting his chin on the same spot. You could stay this way for the rest of your life.

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You were woken up by the sun peeking through the blinds. You were cuddled up next to Spencer’s half clothed body. He was combing through your hair with his fingers. 

“Mmm, good morning prince.” Your voice was thick with sleep.

“Good morning princess. Merry Christmas eve.” You smiled realizing what day it was.

“Merry Christmas eve.” You pulled yourself closer to him. “When did you get back last night?”

“Very late. I didn’t wanna wake you so I just got in bed and you cuddled close to me. I figured that would do until I saw you in the morning.” You chuckled lowly on his chest.

“I’m glad you’re back. I was nervous you would miss Christmas.” He placed a kiss on your head.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world sweet girl. I wouldn’t even dream of it.” You pulled the sheets higher up to keep warm. “You excited for dinner tonight?” Your heart dropped when you remembered. You didn’t answer. Instead, you looked at your hands which were drawing shapes on Spencer’s stomach. “Baby? What’s wrong?”

“My dad. It’s my second Christmas without him. These dinner’s were his idea.” A  lone tear rolled down your cheek and onto Spencer.

“Oh baby. I’m sorry. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it gets better. I mean I speak from experience. I know our situations are a little different, but my dad may as well be dead. We don’t have to go if you don’t want either. I can only imagine how hard this all is for you.” You shook your head.

“I have to go. It’s to honor him really. Thank you.” He nodded and pressed another kiss on your head before getting up. “Prince, what are you doing?” He grabbed your hands and pulled you up.

“I am taking my amazing, beautiful, sweet, kind, fantastic girlfriend to our kitchen to make her coffee and breakfast.” You smiled and leaned into him.

“You might have to carry me.” So he did just that. He picked you up and carried you to the kitchen, placing you on the cold counter tops. “Jesus christ!” He looked at you with concern in his eyes.

“What?”

“I’m in a shirt and my underwear. This counter is fucking freezing.” He smiled and shook his head.

“Just sit still and look pretty while I make you coffee.” You rolled your eyes and put your hands under your thighs to try and keep them off the cold slab of rock. Not much later Spencer handed you a sweet cup of coffee. You had grown to like his overly sweetened coffee and now requested it. You sipped on the mug as Spencer rubbed his hands over your legs. They inched closer and closer to the inside of your thighs. You set down the mug and took his hands in yours.

“Baby.” He whined at your actions and snuck his hands out from yours, getting back to what he was doing. “I’m gonna be late to set up if you don’t quit it.” He smiled even more.

“You better call Rossi, and don’t even think about making a noise.”

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“I am going to kill you Spencer Reid! We are so late right now!” You ran around the bathroom putting in jewelry. 

“That’s not what you said earlier!” You reminded you.

“Well earlier I was happy and now I am stressed because we are going to be late! Are you ready?” You looked from the bathroom doorway to see him sitting on the bed, completely ready.

“Waiting on you princess.”

“Save it.” You grabbed the presents from beside your bed. “Let’s go.” 

The door opened to a very cheery Penelope. “Y/N! Oh my goodness you look absolutely gorgeous! Wow, you are just-”

“Penelope, let them in it’s cold outside.” You silently thanked JJ.

“Yes, sorry.” She opened the door to let the both of you inside. He took your coat to hang up while you went in to see your friends.

“JJ!” The girl pulled you into a hug. “I missed you.” She pulled away.

“I missed you too. I think your uncle did too.” 

“Oh shit.” Your hand quickly covered your gaping mouth. “Something... let’s just go with something came up.” You felt an arm around your waist. 

“Something most definitely came up.” You rolled your eyes.

“Hey pretty boy finally decided to show up. Y/N, how are you?” 

“Very tired and ready to go to sleep. How are you D?”

“I could say the same. However none of us will ever say no to a meal from Rossi.”

“You can say that again!” You turned to see Penelope now in the living room reaching out a glass of wine to you. You graciously accepted.

“Thanks Pen. Speaking of, where is David?” You looked around the room and didn’t see him. “And Aaron?”

“I don’t actually know. Now, come on we have been waiting on your both to start eating and I am sure the boys are getting antsy.” You held Spencer’s hand as you walked into the dining room. 

“Y/N!” You looked to see both little boys running at you. You didn’t even have a chance to know what was happening before they pummeled into you. You ended up falling backwards right onto your ass thanks to your decision to wear heels. 

“Boys!” JJ quickly came and swept them up. “Y/N I am so sorry about that. Are you ok?” She reached out a hand to help you up while Spencer gripped your arm for extra support. They both helped you up and back to your feet.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You smoothed out your dress. “I’m going to go get David and Aaron. I can only assume they are in his office talking about work.”

“Wait!” You turned to see Spencer grabbing your wrist. “I got it, go sit down.”

“Spence, I got it.”

“No, Y/N really. Let me.” He bit the inside of his cheek, a nervous habit.

“What is going on, why are you being so weird?” You folded your arms in front of your chest.

“Baby it’s nothing, just let me. Please.”

“Fine. Whatever, I’m gonna go sit then I guess.” You walked away without another word. The team could read you like a book. You were annoyed. Bothered. Upset. Confused even. 

“Pretty girl, you ok?” You didn’t even look up to talk to Derek while you sat down.

“Fine.” You took a sip of your wine. “Why is Spencer being so weird? Like why couldn’t I just go get them? I mean David is my uncle not his. What is up with him? Was it me? Did I do something wrong?” You dropped your head into your hands. “Does he really just want to get away from me for a moment? Am I just overbearing?”

“Y/N.” You looked up at Emily. “He’s fine. Just... just trust us okay?” She could see you were still concerned but you agreed.

“Yeah. yeah, okay.” You took a large swig of wine and quickly refilled the glass. 

You were awkward and cautious the rest of the night. You made sure not to be touchy, not to bring much up, not to talk to much really. You just tried to be in the background. This didn’t go unnoticed. Everyone noted how you would almost touch Spencer but pull yourself back. Or how you would open your mouth but close just as quickly as you opened it. They all noticed how closed off you became. Especially Spencer. He knew why but he wasn’t ready just yet. He had to go get the present from Rossi who had ordered it for him because he wasn’t very tech savvy. 

“Present time!” Garcia announced. They had thought about just doing secret Santa, but you and Penelope had insisted on buying everyone gifts so you all had decided to just do presents. You all passed them around. JJ and her family were the first to open. Then Penelope, Derek, Emily, Rossi, Hotch and Jack, Spencer, and finally it was your turn.

The Jareau-LaMontagne’s had gotten you a blanket and spa day kit. They knew how kids were, having one, and thought that you might need something about having to be around them for hours 5 days a week. Penelope got you stuff for teaching. Derek got you a gift card for your favorite store. Emily got a necklace you had told her about months before. David got you lots of candles and your favorite snacks. Aaron got you and Spencer some useful household things. Spencer got you a cardigan to match one of your favorites of his.

“Thank you guys, I really loved it all.” You smiled at all of your friends.

“Actually, I have one more thing for you.” You turned to look at Spencer with scrunched eyebrows. He pulled out a small black box and you thought you might throw up. “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think, I’m not proposing.” You let out a breath of relief. He opened the small box to reveal 2 rings. One was a thicker ring with the cut out of a dinosaur and the other, a dainty ring with the dinosaur cut out attached. Your eyes welled up with tears. 

“Baby...” He the smaller one out and placed it on your left ring finger.

“It’s a promise ring. A promise of my love for you.” You pulled him in for a kiss not even caring for the audience around you. When you pulled away you buried  your face in his neck and hugged him as he pulled you into his lap. “I love you sweet girl. Don’t forget it.” All of your worries floated away as he said those words. He loved you and that is all you ever needed.

[ja3hyuk]

best you’ve ever had

[ Reader X Asahi/Yedam]

[nsfw! slight rope play/aggression, foul language & sex]

[7:35 pm] location: the finest restaurant in seoul.

you and asahi had been seeing eachother for a while, you met him through a mutual friend, yedam, hes like a brother to asahi.

Asahi decided that dinner would be a good celebration of 3 months today, how sweet. you are close to being finished with dinner and asahi is gazing at you. “what? is there something on my face??” you laugh. He replies “haha no, i’m just admiring what’s mine. i’m so happy to have you.” he scoots closer to you and puts his hand on your upper thigh, fuck. you gasp and move away slightly, already turned on by his presence. He lets out a groan and then a giggle, “lets get out of here.”

You both stand up to leave.as you are heading back to the car, Asahi smacks your ass slightly. you glare at him and he laughs and grins at you. “alllll mine. hell yeah.” he says as he’s walking you to the passenger side door. You get into his BMW and he gets in as well.

-the drive home-

“sahi slow the fuck down, it’s 60, you’re going 95” you say. Asahi replies “i need to get you home... and naked.” You shutter in excitement. Asahi is THE best you’ve ever had, so tonight’s gonna be good.

You pull up to the drive way abruptly. Before the car is even in park, Asahi unbuckles his seat belt in a frantic motion, swinging the car door opened and coming to your side. You unbuckle your seatbelt to make things quicker, He practically drags you out of the car, “baby calm down.” you mutter in fear. “fuck i’m sorry. you alright?” he says. “yes, let’s get inside. NOW.” you say in realization of what is about to happen.

He pulls you behind him by the hand in the front door and you slam it behind you, he spins around and slams you against it. He places hot kisses all over your lips which are now red, wet, and bruised. You are finding it hard to breathe due to the aggressiveness of Asahi, which honestly... makes things even hotter.

You reach for his belt, meanwhile still pushed against the front door, he lets out a soft moan. “baby...” he groans. “are you ready?”

“i always am, f-for you.” you say breathing heavier by the second.

He picks you up, still making out with you, and takes your upstairs to his bedroom. He pushes the door open and throws you on his bed lined with black sheets. The familiar bed you lost your virginity on. But not by asahi. By yedam.

-yedam-

rewind: 2 years

You and yedam met though having the same math class together, Having similar last names ended us up sitting next to eachother. The first day you saw him, you were in shock that a boy THAT attractive was in your class school in general.

You go to take your seat next to him, as the teacher begins to teach, you get a nudge on your elbow. it’s yedam trying to get your attention to hand you a folded piece of paper. it’s a note.

you open it and the note says “ hi beautiful, my names yedam :)” you scoff. Trying to act cool, you write back, “beautiful? that’s an overstatement. i’m Y/N” he opens it and laughs. “you, me. after school.” he writes, as he hands you the note, the bell sounds.

fast forward: 1 month in time.

You and Yedam began dating last week, you were known as one of the cutest couples in your whole school. wow.

one night you are hanging out with yedam and some of his friends, Hyunsuk, Jaehyuk, Yoshi, and Asahi.

Asahi and yedam were roommates at the time, you were all at their place. Pretty much everyone was tipsy. You and yedam were cuddled up on the couch. Jaehyuk and Yoshi were having THE most intense uno match, Hyunsuk was sat on the counter eating ice cream out of the carton. And asahi wasn’t a drinker. he was also responsible of driving the boys back to their houses so he wanted to be safe. The time goes by like crazy, you check the clock, it’s 2 am. “hey yoshi! jae! hyunsuk!, don’t y’all work first shift tomorrow?” you hear a tornado of conversation, a few “fuckkkkk” ‘s here and there, Asahi offers to drive the boys home, they live kinda far away, “alright be safe guys! thanks for coming!!” yedam yells while waving at Asahi car pulling out of the drive way.

He walks back into the house and sees you sitting on the couch. Yedam had brought up sex to you a few times, you were always too nervous. He walks over to the couch and kisses you on the cheek, as he sits down he lifts your dress slightly and places his hand on your thigh. You shutter at his cold hands. You think to yourself “ok am i just REALLLLY fucked up or do i want to fuck him now...?”

You take action and climb on top of yedam, straddling his thigh and begin making out with him. He barely catches his breath and manages to say “holy fuck. you don’t know how long i’ve waited for this.” You smile at him and say “i’m ready.” He gasps and picks you up, and takes you upstairs and into his room.

Yedam opens the door and lays you on the bed. “my princess. you are so beautiful.” You almost tear up at those words, not sure if it’s just the alcohol in you or not, those words caressed your heart.

Yedam gets on top of you and makes out with you and begins to go lower. He gets to your shirt, “what are we going to do about this...” you sit up and remove your shirt and he assists with your bra. “even better in person” He says under his breath. you laugh. He begins to kiss your chest and leave huge red and purple hickeies. great. even MORE to cover up.

As he reaches your hips, he asks “are you SURE, Y/N? we’ve put this off for so long i just-“ you cut him off, “i’m ready.”

He pulls your skirt off and panties with it. You help him get undressed while you are still making out, him leaving purple heart shaped bruises on your shoulders and upper arms, the nervousness hits you. fuck.

i’m about to fuck THE bang yedam.

After the task of getting undressed he lays you back on the bed. “look at my girl. the most beautiful baby” you say to him “shut up and get on top of me already” his eyes widen, he had never seen this side of you before. he wasn’t mad at it though.

20 minutes of foreplay and oral later, you are now on top, yedam helps you adjust yourself onto him, and when he’s in, you gasp in pain and pleasure. “f-fucccckkk” He groans “youre so t-tight”. In your head you said, “keep in mind i’m a virgin” but out LOUD, you couldn’t speak.

You’ve never been in more pain and pleasure at the same time. You ride him until your thighs burn, “a-are you c-clo-se?” he asks, barely being able to get the words out, you nod as tears stream down your face. You finish right about the same time he does. crashing together, in an orchestra of heavy breathes and shaking legs. “let’s get you cleaned up baby,” Yedam says and he kisses your shoulder.

-Asahi-

present day

“yedam shouldn’t be home for a few more hours so we have time.” asahi says and he walks over to the bed after locking the door. Asahi looks at you laying in his bed, shiny from sweat and red from his grip, he leans over you and kisses you sweetly on the forehead, “my baby.” he says. “why did you look so good at dinner? who were you trying to impress? huh?” he calls out as he’s searching in his black dresser drawer, “n-no baby- only y-you...” He scoffs, “i’m kidding baby, kinda... you had no right to look so good. knowing other people saw MY baby looking like that... is not good. you are MINE. only mine.”

He finds what he’s looking for in the drawer and he walks back over to the bed as you lay in silence, ready for him any minute now. In his hands you see a gold wrapped condom, and a black rope. fuck.

You both undress with the help of eachother and then begin making out, the hardest session yet. Asahi reaches for the rope and says “like i said. only mine.” he unravels the rope and begins to tie your hands to the headboard. after finishing the knot, he runs his hands down your body and breathes heavily. “you look so beautiful under me.” as soon as he gets to your waist, you shiver and he giggles. he proceeds to make you feel good. the best you’ve ever felt from the best you’ve ever had.

after about 3 rounds of oral, you are begging at this point. “p-please asahi....” Hes shocked at the sight, he’s never seen you beg like THIS. so he drags it out. “what do you want me to do?”

“make me feel like the only girl in the world.”

[gladdygirl18]

Taking the Time to Laugh

Summary: Young Peter had a rough week at school. When the weekend hits, he still pushes himself to study and stop whatever little crime he can catch. Let’s just say some certain Avengers remind him to have fun every once in a while.

Word Count: 2676

Monday, the start of another week of high school for Peter. Everything goes by smoothly; got an A+ on a physics project he got last week, stopped a bank robbery during his lunch period, and somehow was still able to make it back to school on time, nothing major.

Tuesday. Okay, it was a little harder today. Flash, of course, picked on Peter again just for fun, had 2 tests back-to-back; good thing he studied, and he stopped a jail break during his lunch period.

Wednesday. Peter was late to school because of a jewelry store robbery. Had to study for a test that was at the end of the week, and saved hundreds of lives from a train before it derailed. Seriously, Queens, give the kid a break.

Thursday. Does the city of Queens WANT Spider-Man to die? Seriously, Peter had to stop 3 bank robberies, 2 jewelry heists, and 2 thefts. On top of that, he had a history test, a math test, AND a Spanish test that day.

Friday. Finally, the week is over. Peter had a physics test that day, which he wasn’t too worried about. Got A’s on all his previous tests that week. During his lunch period, he saved a bus full of people that almost went for a swim into the Hudson.

Peter was as happy as a dog when it gets a bone. The week was finally over, which means he can spend the weekend studying and sleeping at Avengers HQ. Swinging across the buildings from his school, he soon arrived at the Avengers Facility. Walking inside, he was greeted with cold, dead silence. Letting out a sigh, Peter looked up at the ceiling.

“FRIDAY, where is everyone?” he asked.

“The Avengers are out on a mission in Switzerland. Do you want me to contact them?” she asked.

“No, no. It’s okay.”

Thanking the AI, Peter dragged his tired legs to his room. Reaching his room, Peter walked inside and threw himself on his bed.

“FRIDAY wake me up in 4 hours please. I want to study for a bit before tomorrow.” Peter said.

“Of course, Mr. Parker.” the AI said politely.

Letting out a tired sigh, the young Spider-Man was asleep in no time. After four long hours, FRIDAY woke the kid up to a very deafening alarm. Peter flipped onto the ceiling in shock like a scared cat. Remembering what he had asked the AI to do, the kid calmed down and jumped down from the ceiling.

“Hey FRIDAY, are the others back?” Peter asked, hoping that if they were back, they didn’t hear the alarm.

“No, they are still in Switzerland. Do you want me to contact them?” she asked.

“No thanks.”

Peter looked at the time and saw that it was already past 7. Shaking off the drowsiness, Peter took out his textbooks and notes, and started studying. He even asked FRIDAY to quiz him after an hour of studying in solitude. After what felt like hours, the kid finally stopped his studying and decided to go to bed.

“FRIDAY, do you know when the others are going to be back?” Peter asked.

“I do not know.” was all the AI said.

Nodding silently, the kid put on his sleepwear and was out like a light in no time. The new day dawned, and the Saturday sun spilled into Peter’s room through the closed blinds. Feeling the warm sun on his face, Peter cracked his eyes open and let out a small yawn. Sitting up, he stretched out his arms and let out another yawn.

“Come on, body... Move...” Peter said tiredly.

The kid pushed his legs off the side of the bed until he was lying in a very awkward position. Groaning in discomfort and frustration, he shot two web strands at his walls and used them to hoist himself up. Walking into his bathroom, he washed his face and brushed his teeth.

“Ugh, I’ve gotta stop with the late-night studying...” Peter reminded himself.

It was a small habit of Peter’s that he couldn’t control. Like his Aunt May always says, “Do what you NEED to do that way you can do what you WANT to do.”

“No pain, no gain, I suppose.” Peter said, to himself.

Slapping his cheeks to keep himself awake, he walked out of his room and was greeted by the sounds of voices.

“They’re back.” Peter said to himself.

Looking over the balcony from upstairs, he saw his fellow teammates relaxing in the living room. Smiling, the kid walked downstairs to join them. Hearing footsteps, a certain super soldier turned around to see the kid walking towards them.

“Afternoon kid.” Steve said.

The others that were there, Clint, Bucky, and Sam, turned to the kid and smiled.

Afternoon!? How long have I been sleeping? Peter thought.

Looking up at the clock, he saw that it was a quarter past 2.

“Hey Parker.” Clint said.

“Hey guys. How was Switzerland?” Peter asked while taking a seat next to the Hawkeye.

Sam leaned his head back and let out a frustrated groan.

“Cold. Very cold.” he said.

“We’re used to it.” said the two super soldiers.

“Why am I not surprised?” Clint asked.

The kid nodded with a fond smile. Peter leaned against the armrest of the sofa and let out a yawn.

“Hey kid. You okay?” Bucky asked.

All Peter did was nod.

“Rough morning?” Steve asked.

Peter shook his head no.

“More like a rough week.” Peter said.

“Mind telling us?” Sam asked.

Peter let out a sigh before facing the four older Avengers.

“Well, the start of the week was good, but then it all went to hell after that. Just this week alone, I had to stop 4 bank robberies, 2 thefts, 2 jewel heists, had to save hundreds of people from a train before it derailed, had to stop a jail break, and save some people on a bus before they took a swim in the Hudson. On top of that, high school is being a pain in the ass. I think I had at least 5 or 6 tests this week alone...” Peter said.

The kid looked at the Avengers and saw that they were all staring at him in shock.

“One question... How?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know, Mr. Wilson. And to make it worse, I did some really late studying for a test this upcoming week... Ugh, I just need rest...” Peter said.

His vibrating phone soon took him out of his thoughts. Checking the NEWS, he saw that there was a jewel heist downtown. Letting out a sigh, he got up from the sofa and started heading for the door.

“Whoa, hey, where are you going?” Steve asked.

“Jewel heist downtown,” Peter said.

“Nu uh. No way. Let the police handle that. You stay here and rest.” Clint said.

“I have to go because for the past week, I’ve been doing the police’s job.”

Without another word, the kid ran out of the facility and swung into action. The four older Avengers looked at each other in disbelief.

“The kid’s gonna work himself dead if he keeps this up.” Sam said.

“Preach to that notion.” Clint said.

“What are we going to do? Even if we try to force him, his honest to God pure heart won’t let innocent people die on his watch.” Steve said.

“He’s an Avenger for a reason.” Bucky said with a smile.

The other three agreed with silent nods.

“Well, what else can we do?” Clint asked.

The four of them sat in silence trying to come up with a solution. After a while, Sam snapped his fingers when he came up with an idea.

“We may not be able to stop the kid from overworking himself, but we can remind him what fun he’s missing out on if he keeps working.” Sam said.

“Care to elaborate?” Steve asked.

Sam smiled and gladly explain his plan to his friends. The kid didn’t come back until 5. While he was swinging back to the facility, he saw a back robbery and stopped it. His spidey powers are supposed to help him recover after tiresome things, such as school and crimes. They were not helping. When Peter got back to HQ, he was met with silence.

“They probably went out to Switzerland again.” Peter said, chuckling to himself.

Walking into the living room, he plopped down on the sofa and breathed out a heavy sigh. Peter then let out a loud yelp when he felt something pull him down to the floor. His attempts to fight off his attackers were short-lived when his arms were held out to the side of him. He then felt weight being added on his waist. Looking up, he let out a sigh of relief when he saw that it was Clint and Bucky.

“Guys, what are you doing?” Peter asked, stuggling in the Winter Soldier’s grip.

“Nothing too farfetched, Spidey-Boy.” Clint replied.

“Okay, then why do you have me pinned down against my will?”

Bucky couldn’t help but let a giggle escape when the kid said that.

“We’re just reminding you to have fun.” said a familiar voice.

The kid looked up and saw Sam and Steve walk in out of nowhere.

“W-What does that mean?” Peter asked nervously.

“You have nothing to fret, kid. This won’t hurt at all. Trust me.” Steve said.

Peter struggled in the Winter Soldier’s grip, but his strength and metal arm made it impossible to get loose. Plus, Hawkeye’s weight making it difficult to buck him off.

“Riddle me this, kid. Have you ever heard the phrase; laughter is the best medicine?” Bucky asked, putting emphasis on his question.

Peter’s struggling almost became twice as violent when he heard that phrase. His Uncle Ben always said that phrase when Peter was young and sad. After the phrase being proclaimed, he was reduced to a puddle of giggling mess.

“I’ll take his struggling as a yes.” Clint said.

“Well, don’t wanna keep the kid waiting, do we?” Steve asked.

Nodding to one another, they all pounced at once, their fingers raking, scribbling, and wiggling all over the kid’s defenseless body. Peter literally screamed in laughter when they all pounced at him.

“Oh my Gohohohohohohohohod! Stahahahahahahahahahahap! Plehehehehehehehease!” Peter begged.

“Stop? We only just started!” Sam said cheerfully, kneading his fingers into the kid’s ribcage.

Peter gave a small buck when he felt the weird sensation on his ribs.

“Stohohohohohohop! Thahahahahahahahat feels sohohohohoho weird!” Peter cried.

“It’s called being ticklish, kid.” Bucky said bluntly.

Steve placed a hand on the kid and vibrated his hand all over the poor kid’s belly. Peter shook his head back and forth, trying not to think about the ticklish sensations all over his body. Easier said than done if you ask me.

“Yohohohohohohou’ve hahahahahahahad your fuhuhuhuhuhuhun! Now plehehehehehehehease stohohohohohop!” Peter cried.

“We’ll stop once you say that you’ll stop overworking yourself and take time off to have fun with us.” Steve said.

Peter couldn’t even respond. His childish laughter was getting in the way of every sentence he tried to form.

“You know Parker, everyone has a weak spot. Do you have one?” Clint asked.

“Nohohohohoho!” Peter answered.

“Liar.” Bucky said.

Holding Peter’s arms down with his metal arm, Bucky scribbled his fingers right below the kid’s armpits. Peter gave a small buck and his laughter reached a new volume.

“NOHOHOHOT THEHEHEHEHRE!” Peter begged.

The four Avengers smiled almost menacingly down at the kid. Clint soon hiked hands upwards, inching closer and closer to the kid’s armpits.

“MR. BAHAHAHAHAHARTON PLEHEHEHEHEASE DOHOHOHOHON’T!” the kid begged.

“Sorry kid, I just gotta know.” the Hawkeye said.

Once his hands were in his target, Peter first fell limp with laughter before his struggling turned into violent thrashing.

“Looks like we struck gold.” Sam said.

“More like we struck diamond. Look at him.” Steve said.

What Captain America appeared sound. The kid’s laughter was louder than ever, and his thrashing was getting more and more violent. Not a problem for Bucky. He had Peter’s wrists locked down tight. The kid wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP! I CAHAHAHAHAHAHAN’T TAKE ANY MOHOHOHOHOHOHOHORE!” Peter cried out.

“Too ticklish, Spider-Boy?” Bucky asked, grinning down at the kid’s laughing face.

Peter cracked opened one of his eyes to look at the Winter Soldier. Bad decision. They say if you look at your tickler, the tickling becomes a hundred times worse. Apparently, no one told Peter Parker this information. Bucky was grinning like the devil himself. And with his long hair blocking the light in the room, it made him look ten times scarier. Honest to God, Peter’s laughter reached a new octave and volume.

“GUYS STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP! PLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEASE!” Peter begged.

“You know what to do to make us stop. Say that you’ll stop overworking yourself and take time off to have fun with us.” Sam said.

“I CAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAN’T! QUEENS IHHIHIHIHIHIHIS COHOHOHOHOHOUNTING ON MEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!”

“All I hear is excuses...” Clint groaned.

Taking a gamble, Steve started kneading Peter’s inner thigh and got a really good reaction out of it.

“DOHOHOHOHOHON’T DO THAHAHAHAHAHAHAT!” Peter cried.

“What? This?” Steve asked, kneading the kid’s thighs again.

The kid’s laughter fell on deaf ears. His face was beat red, tears streaming down his shut eyes, and nothing but cute, childish was being produced.

“COHOHOHOHOHOHOHOME OHOHOHOHOHOHON! STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAP!” Peter begged.

“You have the power to stop all this, yet you refuse to do so. Why is that, Mr. Parker?” Bucky asked.

Peter couldn’t form a word; he was laughing so much.

“I think he needs more persuasion.” Bucky said.

Holding down Peter’s wrists with his knees, he slid his fingers into the kid’s sleeves and attacked his bare armpit. Peter honest to God screamed out a new stream of laughter.

“BUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUCKY NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! GET YOUR HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAND OUT! PLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEASE!” Peter begged.

“Oh, I get it.” Clint said, catching onto the Winter Soldier’s plan.

Nodding to the Falcon, the two of them snaked their hands under the kid’s shirt and teased the sensitive skin. Peter started to buck and thrash like a bull.

“YOHOHOHOHOHOHOU GUYS ARE SOHOHOHOHOHOHO MEHEHEHEHEAN! STAHAHAHAHAHAP!” Peter cried.

“Just say what we wanna hear, kid. This’ll all be over if you just say what we want you to say.” Steve said.

If they didn’t stop now, Peter was surely going to pass out from lack of oxygen.

“ALRIHIHIHIHHIHIHIHIGHT! I’LL STAHAHAHAHAHAHAP OVERWORKING MYSEHEHEHEHEHEHEHELF!” Peter cried.

“And?” the four Avengers inquired.

“I’LL STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHART TAHAHAHAHAHAHAKING TIME OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOFF TO HAVE FUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUN! JUST PLEASE STOP!”

Once he said that, the four men removed their hands from the kid’s body. Peter’s chest rose and fell slowly while he took in the much needed air. His heart felt like he was going to explode.

“You good kid?” Sam asked.

Peter panted but was still able to nod towards the Falcon.

“Sorry if we overdid it a bit.” Clint said.

“A bit!? I felt like I was gonna die!” Peter cried sitting straight up.

Hawkeye shrugged with a smile. Thinking back to his rough week, he let a wide, genuine smile form.

“I guess I have been working myself to the bone lately,” he said.

“After hearing how your week was, we couldn’t feel more sympathetic for you.” Steve said.

“You may be called Spider-Man, but sometimes you gotta remember that you’re still a kid.” Bucky said.

“Yeah, a kid with a lot of responsibilities.”

Bucky looked at the kid with an annoyed smug look.

“But I get your point. I’ll try and stop working myself to the bone and try and start having fun... with my family...” the kid said.

The four men smiled at being called family.

“So, Parker, what do you want to do now?” Steve asked.

Peter thought for a while before a smiled loomed on his face.

“Well, I guess I can get my revenge on you guys...” Peter said with a malicious smile.

For the rest of the afternoon, Peter was able to exact his revenge on his family. And in truth, the Avengers were his family, in more ways than one.

Hope you enjoyed! Stay Safe, Stay Blessed!

[jungleuniversity]

How I Improved My MCAT Score (509 -> 518)

Hi Everyone! I got back my new MCAT scores awhile ago, but I thought I’d write a post about how I achieved my score, with hope that it could potentially help another student. I know that while I was studying, a lot of the advice I saw on the internet was overwhelming and made me feel that my level of studying would always be inferior to what others were doing. The vast array of available courses, practice tests, and other services available certainly did not help either, as there is no reasonable way to complete every single resource that exists. In this post, I’ll go through a timeline of my basic study plan and explain which resources I used and why I think they are worth using. 

Stage 1 - Kaplan 7 book set and other content resources

I had trouble coming up with a time frame for how long it should take to go through the Kaplan set, which is why I simply called this part the “first stage.” Many guides I have read online mention strictly separated “content review” and “practice exam” phases of studying. Personally, that would never have worked out for me because I would have gotten anxious every time I got a question wrong during the exam phase. Instead, I spent about 3-4 months simply reading and taking notes out of the books, and then doing a mixed exam and content review stage. I used each book in the following ways, especially the second time I studied: 

Biochemistry - For the first half of the book I took detailed notes as if I were learning from an ordinary biochemistry textbook for a class. For the second half, I eased on the notes and started drawing out the different pathways. I think I wrote down the Electron Transport Chain pathway 10-15 times and the Citric acid cycle path about 50 times. I did not draw the shapes of compounds, but I won’t tell you not to do that either. 

Biology -  Same as the Biochem book. I did spend extra time on “high yield content” that's more difficult to memorize, such as actin/tropomyosin activity in muscle. 

Physics - I cannot stress what I am about to say enough. The absolute most important things to know from this book are the units. If you are truly stuck on a physics (or often chemistry) question, there is a very good chance you can use dimensional analysis to force your way to the right answer in a relatively brief amount of time. If nothing else, PLEASE learn the units behind every concept. 

Chemistry - Use the advice from physics, but I also took pretty heavy notes, especially in the first half, since there’s a lot of content that, despite being easier than biochemistry in my opinion, are foundational and will cause problems if you skip it. 

Behavioral Sciences - This was the section that brought down my first attempt score. I found that the premed95 anki deck that’s in circulation was helpful, but it made me incredibly lazy in studying to the point where I would pretend to be productive, while just looking at slides. I was desperate not to repeat my mistakes, so I brute forced my way through the Kaplan book this time instead. I didn’t take notes the way I did for other subjects - instead I hand wrote every single bolded word and definition in a notebook, organized by chapters. This took about a week and I did not study any other subject during this time. I don’t know if I would recommend this method for Behavioral Sciences for everyone, but the truth is that after I did this, my practice section scores went from 124 to 128-130. One thing to keep in mind though, the last few sections of the Physics/Math book are absolutely critical to the Behavioral Sciences section as they are the only resource within the Kaplan set which explain the research methodologies for both Psychology and Sociology. 

Organic Chemistry - I took sparse notes on this book. I think it's the least useful out of the 7 book set, and I often had to look to the internet and old organic chemistry class notes to clarify mechanisms and pathways. Nevertheless, make flashcards or write down reactions such as the Aldol condensation, which more likely than not will show up at some point. 

CARS - Skip this book. In my opinion, there are better ways to study this section. Most importantly, use the CARS question packs from AAMC. 

Stage 2 - CARS, Mixed Content Review and Practice Exams (2-3 weeks)

This is around when I started taking CARS much more seriously, so I would recommend starting earlier. I mainly focused on using the two AAMC question packs, although the KhanAcademy passages were also useful. The first question pack was definitely a bit more difficult and you might feel discouraged after going through half of it. However, I promise it does get better. Part of the change is that as you read explanations for why you get questions wrong, your skill will begin to improve. The other part is that the second half of the question pack, as well as most of the second question pack are more closely aligned with the difficulty level of the actual test. 

This was also when I began taking NextStep full length exams. (Insert surprised Pikachu face) My first score was a 501. Definitely not expected at the time, but it was a necessary wakeup call to understand where my content gaps were. 

After each exam I took from this point on, I would take the rest of the day off after taking the exam. Just relax, after taking a 7 hour exam, you deserve it tbh. The next day, go over the entire exam, question by question and take notes where you need to. I wrote very brief 1-line notes for questions I got right and understood, and more detailed notes for all incorrect questions as well as correct questions that I did not fully understand. This is important for two reasons: First, this allows you to know exactly where your content gaps are and understand how you can improve applying the concepts that you already know. Second, there’s only so many different things they can ask you on the MCAT. It might sound endless, but there are a finite number of concepts and you are bound to see very similar questions on future practice tests and also on the real MCAT. In my experience, writing down the explanation for the correct answers on missed questions ensured that I never get a similar question incorrectly in the future. Overall, next-step exams were alright, but their content felt incredibly low-yield. Now, studying low yield concepts is extremely important, but it's obviously detrimental if that's all you study. 

For the next month, I would alternate between taking next-step and AAMC full lengths, with breaks in between to review my content gaps. My highest Nextstep exam was a 512, but I tended to score around 507-508. My aamc exams, in order, were 519, 517, and 515. The downward trend was concerning, but I was honestly happy since all of those scores were higher than my target at the time, 513. Also, I falsely began to think that NextStep exams were extremely deflated. (They are, but not nearly to the extent that you might think.)

Finally, the day before my first exam: I couldn’t sleep at all, and I went against common advice of not studying on this day. As for exam day, just trust yourself and the studying you have done. My main advice beyond what anyone else will tell you is to keep a close eye on the clock. Several people who tested with me lost up to 5 minutes on CARS because they forgot to take into account the time during their lunch break. Not every test center will have digital clocks, and the one I went to only had a tiny analog clock near the area they check you in. When I asked a proctor for the time, he just laughed. So make sure you look at the clock and remember the time when your break starts. 

My score on the first exam turned out to be a 509. Not necessarily a bad score at all, but this score was much lower than what I was aiming for. It was disappointing, mainly due to the time I put into studying, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My behavioral sciences section severely pulled my score down, and there were a few content areas that I truly was not prepared for. I felt bad about it for about a week, and afterwards started studying again. 

Stage 3: Final Preparations 

Initially, I found it relatively difficult to study during the semester. One of my friends recommended I use UWorld questions to effectively use my time. This resource definitely helped me out when I felt like I simply did not have enough time to finish studying. They provide you with 1500 or so questions, categorized by section and sub categorized by topic. You can choose how many questions or passages you want to do in one sitting, and if you want it timed or not. After you finish, they provide you with personalized statistics for the session, as well as explanations for each question, which are saved and can be viewed at any time. Alongside simply rereading the Kaplan books, this is the best way to reinforce content knowledge. 

The final resource I used were the Altius exams. I purchased a pack of 5 on a whim because 1) I ran out of practice tests and 2) someone on reddit said these were severely under-appreciated. Well, that gamble paid off because I believe these exams are about as close as you can get to the AAMC full lengths, BUT they give you much more detailed explanations, and are just a little bit more difficult, so you actually end up feeling like the AAMC practice exams are a bit smoother and easier to pace yourself on. After purchasing, I had one month to take all five, as well as the then-recently-released AAMC FL #4. Altius exams were great, and honestly, my only “complaint” was that CARS felt a little bit too difficult to be as useful as it could be. I also studied Behavioral Sciences and Biochemistry the way I described in Part 1, since I felt like I underperformed on those sections. 

When second exam day approached, I forced myself to get a full night of sleep this, and it absolutely paid off. I was noticeably more aware during this test than my previous attempt, and corrected myself before making a bunch of silly errors. 

A month later, I found out I got a 518, which was higher than my original goal. 

Tl;dr: 

Studying for the mcat is expensive, and it can be hard to find advice on which resources are useful. 

In my opinion, only: Altius exams are amazing. UWorld is a great resource for content gaps and reinforcement, especially when you have sharp time constraints. Kaplan books are awesome for content review, but it should be fine if you buy an older edition (I used 2015).

[supernaturallyobsessedchic]

7 Days to Die - Part 6

Home

Pairing: Jensen x Reader, Danneel x Reader (Jenneel)

Warnings: Scary situation, implied smut, implied threesome, poly-relationships, maybe fluff (it’s a feel good one I think)

Word Count: 2,086

Summary: It’s a race against the clock when Danneel doesn’t get better. The reader and Jensen trek far to get the meds she needs. And discover some feelings along the way.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

Main Masterlist

7 Days to Die Masterlist

Mobile Masterlist

~

“How’s Danneel?” Jensen asked.

“Look boss, there’s no easy way to tell you this.” Benny says.

Misha enters to conversation, having finished with Y/N. “Dee’s fever keeps getting worse, though we keep lowering it as best we could, but it just keeps going up.” He explains.

“It’s odd, if the kids and her had the same shit, and the kids bounced back just fine. They’re with Gen by the way.” He explains, quickly adding. “But she just gets worse. And keeps getting worse no matter how hard we fight against it. And I’m running out of supplies.” He says.

“We got to find out quick, I’m not losing her either.” Jensen urges.

 When Y/N woke up, Danneel was still fighting a fever.

She walked out of the infirmary feeling achy but better. She heads to the camp entrance to find Benny and Jensen standing watch.

“How long was I out?” she asks, startling them.

“Chic’s a silent walker.” Benny says, placing a hand over his own chest.

“Yeah she is.” Jensen says, walking over to her. Engulfing her in a hug.

“Thank god you’re okay.” He whispers.

“You were worried about me?” she asked.

“Of course, I am, you’re my friend. You had my back, saved me countless times.” He says.

Countless times? She wondered.

“How’s your wife?” she asked.

“She’s still fighting a fever. Her immune system is overrun by a virus. And they’re trying to find the right meds to fight it.” He says.

“Let me look at my map for check points, I have all kinds of markers on my map.” She says.

“Now, why do you have a special map and we don’t?” Benny asked.

“Because it’s where I’ve been. I’ve walked all the way up here from the states.” She says. “Been across my share of military base camps, medic camps, you name it, I’ve seen it.” she adds. As she digs in her pack to pull out a stack of maps. Labeling them as such, military, medical, food and shelters.

And she took Jensen’s map, being a map of the Vancouver area, mostly just the British Columbia territory.

She does the math, considering her maps are in states, and towns from where she’s visited. She needs to map out how far the trek would be.

 She was doing the math in a cabin used for security. She comes out, looking not too happy, yet not too sure either.

“How bad?” Jensen asks.

“Well, do you want good news first or bad news?” she asked.

“Do they go hand in hand?” he asks. She nods. “Good news then.” Jensen says.

“Okay, I found a camp that is labeled to have meds, and supplies for CDC officials. They have camps all over the US.” She says.

“Bad news is, it’s far.” Jensen says. She nods, closing her eyes with a sigh.

“Yes, it’s about a week’s walk or more. But if I have a horse, or a car, I could get there faster.” She says.

“You’re not going alone.” Jensen says.

Considering walkers, raiders and cannibals, she needs someone to watch her back.

“Fine, but do we have that mode of transportation or not?” she asked.

“We kept the Impala, but there’s too high of a risk of it either attracting the wrong attention or attention period. Or it breaking down. It’s been acting up.” Benny says.

“I bet; you guys must have put some miles on it.” Y/N says.

“That we did.” Jensen says.

“There’s a Jeep in back, it’s new. One of the kids hijacked it and brought it here. You could use that.” Benny says.

“Okay, we need to pack and leave. Now. My wife can’t wait any longer.” Jensen urges.

“Already packed, let’s hit it.” Y/N says.

 With the occasional off roading, she sped the whole way to the camp on the map.

The camp was, just outside of Seattle Washington. She made it within a day.

The camp came into view as they screeched to a halt.

“Grab all that you can, we’ll haul it in the Jeep.” Jensen says. Y/N nods.

They ran in the abandoned camp, going from tent to tent, building to building, grabbing jars of medicine, bandages, antiseptics, surgical supplies, even gowns and gloves. They made multiple trips, carrying arms full of loot.

They heard a hiss of a walker nearby.

Once they thing they got everything, the got in the Jeep and drove back to Vancouver.

 The engine showing signs of overheating caused them to stop. They were still miles from the camp, but they weren’t about to carry all the medical supplies they looted.

Jensen parks the Jeep on the side of the road, turning off the lights so as to not draw attention to them. And prepares to keep watch as Y/N works at getting comfortable.

She kept tossing, not finding that sweet spot she could tolerate sleeping in.

“Sorry, this isn’t comfortable of place to stay.” Jensen says.

“It’s okay, it’ll still do. I’ll just wait a bit. Try to relax before I try to sleep.” She says.

“I just hope that this is enough to help her fight.” Jensen says.

“It is, I was grabbing some very wordy, and lengthy names of medicines, for some reason that told me it’ll help her. Just got to have faith Jensen. She’ll make it.” She says. “Besides…We pretty much cleared the camp and emptied it of everything.” She added. Jensen nods.

Lifting the center console to reveal a middle seat, he sits closer. She didn’t question it, she embraced him. She can feel him tremble at the thought of losing his wife. He just needed the assurance that she’ll be okay.

Jensen buried his face in the crook of her neck as they hugged, taking in her comfort.

When he pulls away slowly, his hand still by the nape of her neck, she sees him look at her lips. Then leans in slowly, hesitantly. And lightly brushes his lips along hers in a gentle kiss.

It took her a minute to register before she kissed him back.

They’re lips moved together in the kiss, as they poured out their love into it.

They were letting in breaths in through their noses as they continued, and deepening the kiss.

Jensen’s tongue brushing along her lip, asking for permission. She parts her lips, allowing him access.

He works her down onto her back, laying in the front seat of the Jeep. As their moment begins to build into something more.

 The sun was about to rise when they decided it was time to hit the road.

Despite the pleasurable night, neither one got any shut eye. But felt rested and content. As they drove, Y/N sitting in the middle seat leaning into Jensen’s side as he drove.

Entering the complex with the supplies, they rushed to get Danneel the meds she desperately needs, and it quickly became a waiting game after the first few doses.

She just had sex with Jensen Ackles, how will Danneel react if she wakes up? Or was that just a heated moment? Her mind reeled at the thoughts and scenarios. But all she can do, is wait.

 As the days passed, Danneel slowly improved.

And when she finally got the okay to go home she was eager to see Jensen again.

She saw him at his post, like always.

“Jensen?” she goes.

“Baby?” Jensen says, looking extremely happy she’s alive, healthy and awake.

He rushes to her and engulfs her in a big, tight hug.

“Jay, babe, I need to breathe.” Danneel says, after a while in his arms.

“Sorry, it’s just, I’ve come so close to losing you.” He says. “If it weren’t for Y/N, who drove me to keep looking for meds, you wouldn’t be awake right now.” He adds.

“Well then let me thank her too. She not only helped save me, but she kept my man sane.” She says.

“Think Misha has her out on a hunt, she should be back soon.” Jensen says. “She took Jared’s place.” He adds.

“Oh, where is he?” Danneel asked.

“On our trip back, he was scratched by a walker. He…died.” Jensen says, feeling remorseful looking back on that day.

“How’d Gen take it?” She asked.

“Not well, but she’s doing better. Y/N and I have been keeping an eye on her. Y/N’s been looking after the kids when she can.” Jensen says.

“This Y/N, she sounds quiet the character.” Danneel says.

“We’re back!” They heard from the trail. “And we got the good stuff in the way of food and clothes.” Y/N says leading her pack back.

“I’ll take the food over at Mass Hall.” Rob says, carrying a few of the boxes as he lead a few guys carrying food to said Mass Hall.

“And Benny and Jensen, weapons.” Y/N says, pointing to the Jeep, loaded to the brim with ammo crates, boxes of all kinds of weapon goodness.

“We’d be lost without her and her map.” Benny says as he checks in the weapons.

“And medical?” Jensen asked.

“Of course medical, I already brought it to the medical supply camp back there.” She says.

“Hi Danneel.” Y/N says, noticing she’s up and at them. “Nice to see you awake. Jensen wouldn’t stop worrying, I kept telling him you were fine.” She says.

“I’m glad you’ve been keeping him sane for the time being.” She says.

“Any word from Gen?” Y/N asks Jensen.

“She’s fine today, maybe watch our kids for Danneel. I don’t get off till late.” Jensen says.

“Will do.” Y/N says.

“I’ll walk you to the cabin.” Danneel says. Leading the way.

 That night, Y/N and Danneel just talked and talked as they watched the kids play and be kids from the front porch of their cabin, sitting on an outdoor couch. Danneel learned of what they did on their ventures. And how close Jensen came to dying due to the gun shot injury.

Even their moment on the drive back.

“I didn’t want to say anything, but, I’m not all for keeping secrets. It’s worse if you’ve kept it and they are just now discovering it in the most wrong way possible or worse if it’s years in the future.” Y/N explained.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.” Danneel says.

“Y-…You’re not?” Y/N asked, confused. “Most women when they find out their man did that, they’d be pissed.” She adds.

“For some reason I’m not.” She says. “And the more I hang out with you the more comfortable I am with you, it’s like…It’s like I’m falling for a girl, which hardly ever happens. Last girl I had a crush on tried to use me.” She adds.

“Oh, well I’m not all about that. And I’m flattered you like me. I like you too actually.” Y/N says.

Danneel smiles, and rests her head on Y/N’s shoulder.

“If we continued this, would it be weird if…a married couple, such as ourselves, ever loved someone else. Like, make it a poly-relationship?” Danneel asked.

“Maybe to some. But I’m not weirded out by it, oddly enough. I guess as long as it’s something all three of us would want.” Y/N says. “And if all three of us, really loved each other.” She adds.

“My guts saying to do it.” Danneel says.

“Then lets. I mean, I feel like Jensen, like, I know his feelings toward me. I mean a few nights ago, that told me a lot. And if you want to try it, and I want to try it. Then I say let’s do it.” Y/N explains.

Danneel looks up at Y/N from where she sat, resting her head on her shoulder. Y/N returns the soft and content look. And Danneel takes that chance and delivers a gentle kiss.

Y/N quickly returns the kiss and the girls sat there, kissing sweetly until they hear a groan near them.

Jensen had quietly walked up the stairs to their porch, off duty, expressing how turned on he was with the dark expression in his eyes.

“That was so hot.” Jensen moans. As he takes two easy strides to his girls, kissing both sweetly on the lips.

“Something tells me, daddy’s wanting some.” Danneel says, with a devilish grin.

“And daddy want’s doubles.” Jensen says, turning to Y/N.

“Let’s get the kids in, it’s getting late.” Y/N says with a smile as Jensen kisses her neck. Giggling when his lips gently suck on her pulse point. Only to turn into a moan when he doesn’t stop sucking and biting the patch of skin.

“And inside we go.” Danneel goes, break them up and guiding them inside.

~

Jensen Tags:

@luci-in-trenchcoats​, @supernatural-jackles​, @becs-bunker​, @mlovesstories​, @winchesters-favorite-girl​, @moonlight-on-her-skin​, @backseat-of-deans-67chevy​, @salt-n-burn-em-all

~

Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 10/28/2020

[everythingoesnk]

1957

summary; you come to john’s rescue so he doesn’t fail his test. conversation takes a turn :p

word count; 2 283

warnings; flufliness 🤗🤗

********

On Wednesdays, your older sister was in charge of doing the shopping, but fever had confined her to her bed. By strict orders of your mother, the responsibility was now yours.

That’s why you ran late to meet Mrs Smith and her nephew.

As you stood alone in the hallway, awkward and reluctant, you wished your arrival at 251 Menlon Avenue had been interrupted by the stupidest distraction. Or that you’d have declined to come when you had the opportunity to.

Hearing them arguing upstairs wasn’t what you wanted to do with your evening. Neither was helping John to study for the math test he had the morning after. You couldn’t work miracles, and with this transparency you explained it to your grandma when she compelled you to lend him a hand.

She and Mimi had been good friends for years, and when they were together drinking tea last week, Mimi vented to her how John would distress her in the school field. Music, the young lad was only interested in music. His grades were pitiful, and she found herself running out of stratagems to incite John to get back on track. The guy managed to pass the rest of the subjects, but mathematics were an ordeal for him.

He despised numbers just as he despised having to waste time restricting his Gallotone when he could be rehearsing instead.

“Give me back the guitar, Mimi. Where do you have it?”

“You won’t see it until I hear from the test’s result”

“I’m trying my best!”

“Try harder”

There was a truculent silence that wasn’t a silence per se. They stopped talking, but John’s frantic steps as he paced around the room rummaging around and removing furniture from its place hoping the guitar would be hiding behind were unmistakable.

“It’s not there,” she said, nuisance reflected in her tone, expression inexpressive.

“Unless you ate it it must be somewhere in the house”

Mimi didn’t answer.

“Because it’s in the house, correct?”

Mimi exhaled, giving him a hostile glare. They weren’t in a state where she could throw money around like it was nothing. If she bought him the guitar, it wasn’t to resell it or dispose of it afterwards.

“Of course it is in the house. I’ll return it if you comply with our deal”

After Mimi drew the line, you heard the woman walking down the stairs.

Straightening up, you clasped nervously your fingers around your schoolbag’s strap.

She placed her peculiar hat on top of her hair and covered her figure with a long winter coat. Its corseted structure in the middle cinched in around her already lean frame.

“Do your best” she told you, making sure that she had everything she needed on her. “If you feel like hitting him, you have my permission”

“You’re leaving?”

“I have errands to run”

When Mimi walked over to you, she stopped by your side and looked you up and down.

“The shoes. You dirtied my carpet”

“I’m sorry, Mrs Smith”

You intended to offer cleaning it up yourself until it looked like it did before, but she had other plans.

“When you’re gone I’ll tell John to handle it, the boy lacks discipline. Anyone would think he’s being raised in a jungle rather than a humble home in the northwestern of England and I wouldn’t be able to contradict them”

You had nothing to respond her with, but she didn’t look like she was interested in hearing an answer.

She rekindled her step and marched out the house, half with hurry half slipping away in case John reappeared to keep niggling over how unfair she was.

You’d been in their home previously. Once.

John had been the sergeant who lead the army, devising a prank which sloshed over onto you. Army because his two friends were the ones to set the trap, John keeping his hands clean as the commander and mastermind he thought was. They put a paint bucket on top of the classroom door frame, and the three patiently waited to see who the victim would be.

You spent hours in the shower scraping the tacky liquid off your skin.

That same day, your grandma and you showed up at their doorstep because she wanted him to apologize.

The incident was the reason why you knew where he lived.

You eased down into one of the chairs in the kitchen and dropped your bag onto the table.

John knew you were there, you wouldn’t go searching for him.

Thing is, time went on, and he wouldn’t make an appearance. You checked your wristwatch and cursed. Almost fifteen minutes had ticked by and you were waiting like an idiot for someone who clearly did not care enough.

“Am I dreaming or did I just hear (Y/N) (Y/L/N) saying a bad word?”

You flinched and brought a hand up to your chest.

Looking to the left, you saw him standing barefoot in the doorway with his arms stretched upwards, gripping at the doorframe. Legs crossed at the ankles, a wicked grin curved his lips. He was wearing a white cotton tee and denim trousers that fit him tight in the thighs.

Once recovered from the shock, you shot him a bitter look.

“You’re wasting my time, you know that? The longer you delay it, the worse”

“I’ve had better,” he said, walking over to the sink where two large vertical windows on the wall displayed a perfect view of the back porch.

He closed them, grabbed a plain black sweatshirt that hung from the chair opposite you and put it over his head, messing up even more his already tousled humid hair. It was clear that he had a shower before you showed up. If he hadn’t had, it would be replicating Presley’s.

Until then you didn’t realise that the room was indeed chilly.

“Better what?”

“Better days. Thank you for asking and showing interest” he said, waving vaguely a hand.

He slumped in that same chair and glanced across at you.

“How are you, by the way?”

“Fed up. Tell me what you don’t understand and we’ll practice” you said, pulling out of the schoolbag the book and your pencil case.

John calmly watched you prepare everything. “Geometry, algebraic equations…  The entire book, if you will”

“If that’s the case, I see logic in noting down formulas first, that way you can try and memorize them too” you lifted your gaze and saw him with both hands plunged in the front pocket of his sweatshirt, shoulders relaxed. “Hello? Aren’t you getting something to write on?”

He let silence reign for a moment.

“Out of all the people in class, it had to be you,” he grumbled. You didn’t have a clue about what that was supposed to mean, but now his eyes were piercing into yours to the point where you felt very small very quick. He bounced to his feet with a huff. “I’ll be right back”

Upon his return, he carried with him a notebook with doodlings drawn by him on the cover and a pencil hanging loose between his teeth. Along the way, at some point, he tugged the hood over his face, so now you couldn’t see the top half of it.

He took the seat again and with an unfriendly look began copying the theory.

“If you’d paid attention from the beginning perhaps you wouldn’t be against the clock now”

“I can’t focus if you speak,” he grunted.

“You’re just copying” you said, raising your left eyebrow. “But alright, I’ll shut it”

When he was done, he tossed the pencil and dragged his hands down his face, pulling at the skin under the eyes.

“I hate this” he condemned.

“You hate everything that doesn’t involve music” you clarified, no malice in your statement.

“That’s not true” he scowled, pushing the hood back, actually feeling insulted.

“Alright, tell me something you don’t hate,” you propped your elbows onto the table, laced your fingers and rested your chin there.

“I don’t hate the singing of birds waking me up in the morning, and I don’t hate hanging out with you”

As much as you tried to hide it, John saw how your lips tipped up.

“Am I supposed to feel touched?”

“I’d be really sad if you didn’t. That was smooth”

“Oh wow yes, so smooth, the smoothest” you sneered, taking his notebook to write down a few problems for him to resolve.

“Smoothest” he echoed. “Is that a word?”

“It is” you weren’t sure if he was serious.

“Sounds strange to me, never used it before”

“Venustraphobia sounds awful as well and it’s a real term”

“What does it mean?”

“Fear of attractive women”

“Holy shit, is that true?” he asked, fiddling now with his pencil.

“Yeah”

“So that’s a thing. Does the phobia exist the other way around? Women fearing handsome men?”

“I guess?”

He nodded, amused. “It must be hard for you”

Confused, you raised your eyes and cocked your head with an inquisitive frown.

“Collecting yourself, I mean” he explained, rubbing a hand over his jaw. “You’re doing a terrific job pretending you’re not suffering. As you might know, I’m quite charming myself”

You just stared back for some time, holding back a laugh until it became impossible to restrain.

John was so much fun when he didn’t behave like a dick, you hated to admit, which only happened when his macho friends were around. He was the leader of the group, sure, but it seemed that all he wanted was acceptance from them, to belong somewhere. Pretty much he let them change him. Although when he wasn’t near them, the carefree happy bouncy John you knew returned each time.

Abs burning from laughing, you doubled over as you hugged your abdomen. This bitch, you thought. Your shoulders kept shaking as you tried to subside your chuckles, but you couldn’t stop.

John observed your reaction placidly.

Bright with delight, his eyes gleamed when you kept patting your thigh as a conduit for the laughter.

“My God” you breathed, fanning yourself.

“It’s rude using my name in vain,” he teased, wagging the accusatory finger in your direction.

“You’re far from being God” you retorted, your chuckles fading. You gave him back his notebook. “Enough chitchat. Do these exercises and I’ll correct them”

You waited then, keeping an eye on him as well as inspecting your nails to pass the time.

He raked a hand through his hair and kept it there, closing it in a fist at the top of his head.

A sappy feeling settled in your stomach. Seeing him saturated after half an hour trying to get something done softened your heart.

He suddenly looked up, but when he caught you looking too, John quickly dropped his head.

Five more minutes and he passed you the notebook.

“Voilà. Now you can laugh at me”

“I’m not gonna laugh at you. No one is born knowing” you responded quietly.

Silently revising his answers, you got distracted remembering one thing he said earlier.

Rosiness present in your cheeks, your gaze settled cautiously upon him. “You don’t like me?”

His brows drew together in deep puzzlement.

“What?”

“‘Out of all the people in class, it had to be you’” you quoted him, your heart beating erratically. You were worried that its pumps would tear a hole in your chest. “I wanna know why you said that. Is it because you don’t like me?”

A muscle tickled in his jaw, but his expression was humourless.

“That’s not it”

You hoped his response would bloom into something more specific, but he remained with his mouth shut, tension building up between the two.

“What’s it?” you pressed.

Darkness igniting his eyes, he leaned back in his chair.

“Answering your previous question, I do. A lot, actually. That’s my issue”

Petrified, your pulse shot to the sky.

“Why is it an issue?”

“We both know why”

Was John Lennon telling you with all his chest that he was interested in dating you but that he’d never acted upon it ‘cause he assumed you were out of his league?

“You didn’t ask me about my feelings, not once”

“Why would I? You’re sweet and smart. I’m none of that”

Oh, Johnny boy. His words cracked your heart. Lies, they were cruel lies.

“What are you doing this Friday?” you inquired. “I don’t know if you know, but I really like painting. I held an exhibition at school—”

“I’m aware. I was there”

Warmth radiating up your body, you fought back a stunned gasp. “You went?”

He never mentioned it before.

Gazing in each other’s eyes longingly, a goofy side smile fleetingly graced his lips.

Electric tingles spread through your nervous system. You composed yourself with a toss of the head. And he dared to say he wasn’t sweet? You were drowning in diabetes.

“My point is, the school’s newspaper asked me to present something new, and I have yet to finish my piece. Maybe, if you want, you could join me and we make each other company. You can bring your guitar and play some music”

You’re adorable, he wanted to interrupt, mouth twitching.

“I guess I could do that” he said instead.

“Awesome” you bit on your bottom lip, thrilled.

“I’m concerned, though”

“Concerned?” your eyebrows snapped together. Was he having second thoughts? “About what?”

“Concerned that I will start developing venustraphobia now that I’m gonna spend more time with you”

Your laughter hugged his soul.

John contemplated stupefied how easy you made it to fall in love.

Just hearing your giggles was enough for him to understand he could never compose a melody more lovely and magical than that.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #469

“i am hungry for some unrest  /  i wanna push it beyond a peaceful protest”

Do you have any goats? Can't say I do. Are you going to be getting any new pets soon? No. Would you rather be a panda or grizzly bear? As a protected species, I'd say a panda. Do you like BBQ sauce? I hate it. Can you do a twirl like a ballerina? No. Does your house have a pool? No. Do you own an iPad? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? A LOT. Many years ago, I was very conservative, now I'm definitely more liberal. What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? I'd really love to see great improvements in nature and wildlife conservation. Are you and your SO Facebook official? We're like... half official? He never checks his notifications, EVER, so he hasn't verified our relationship status. Instead, it just says on my profile "in a relationship with ____ (pending)." I don't mind, though. "Facebook official" doesn't mean much to me at all. What matters is that we know. Have you ever bathed in a river or a lake? I've swum in them, but I most certainly haven't bathed in one. Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? No. I avoid chips because I'll eat too many. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? I was a sales associate at GameStop for like two months, but keep in mind I was VERY rarely on the schedule, so I probably didn't even work for a week's time in total. Can you drive? I can, but I don't do it well and don't have my license. My permit's even long expired. I plan on forcing myself to practice and get licensed once I get new glasses, though (whenever I can afford that...). Right now I couldn't even pass the vision test. I just have to do it; public transport isn't big here AT ALL, and I can't keep relying on others to get me everywhere. Do you spend too much time online? Way, way too much. Extremely high odds are, if I'm conscious, I'm on the computer. I want to change that so badly and experience other things in life way more regularly, it's just an addiction that has been an issue since I was first exposed to the Internet. Do you like to travel? I barely ever get to do it, but yes, I love it. How did you first notice the last person you kissed? Well, it's kinda hard NOT to subconsciously notice the guy who played the fuckin' huge-ass tuba in band, ha ha. Why will/won’t you and your ex get back together? THE ex, because 1.) I'm sure he wants nothing to do with me, and 2.) because I'd be much too worried he'd leave again if I relapse with my depression badly enough. Do you use the words "I love you" too lightly? Definitely not. Do you like pizza? Legit, are there people who don't like pizza???? Do you use an alarm clock? I use my phone for that. Name something that is currently making you happy. Girt is making me really, really happy. I'm still not happy at my core, but, y'know. A person can't do that, anyway. What do you want for Christmas this year? Stiiiill a 40 gallon for Venus with proper equipment... I need a fucking job. That's going to be my answer possibly past Christmas because I just completely rely on my parents financially. Are you excited for the holidays? Very, except for Thanksgiving. I'm way more hyped for Halloween and Christmas and all it entails than usual. Name one tattoo you would like to get someday. I'll give ya one I don't think I've mentioned. On top of one of my hands, over some sort of fiery graphic, I want "Gefährlich ist wer Schmerzen kennt" (translated to "whoever knows pain is dangerous") written in fine text. It's a lyric from the song "Feuer frei!" by Rammstein that I just find very powerful, and not necessarily in an dark way. Are you afraid of stink bugs? Yes, because they're a form of beetle, which tend to scare me. Do you wear contact lenses? No, but I wish. :/ There are piercings I want that would look stupid with glasses. One of my eyes has such bad vision that I need a weighted contact in it (don't ask me exactly what the difference is), and I could feel it way too clearly in my eye, and it made it heavy. Wearing those contacts did NOT last long; I went back to my glasses. Have you ever danced in the rain? No. What was your last dream about? Astonishingly, I don't remember. Where was the last place you went besides your house? The doctor's office. Do you feel like you're judged for your looks? Being someone who is by definition obese, I'm certain some people do. Do you fight with your parents a lot? No. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over. Why? I never have been. Do you like hot sauce? Yes. How bored are you right now? Very, very bored. As a side effect of depression, I experience severe anhedonia like... constantly, at least to some degree. No exaggeration. It makes my life a fucking drag. It's why I take surveys so much; the randomness of the questions is at least a momentary distraction. Do you think you would make a good model? Hell no. Even if I was in a physical shape for anyone to be interested in photographing me, I would feel WAY too awkward. Are you a good singer? No. Do the Emergency Alert System noises on TV freak you out? Yes, because I immediately assume it's a tornado warning. Describe your perfect date. Actually I'm planning something for Girt and me hopefully on Halloween (or if he has to work, at least close to) that is like absolutely effin' perfect for me. Carve some pumpkins together, make those Pillsbury Halloween cookies, and binge some spooky movies. :') Do your parents trust you? Yeah. Do you like pot roast? No. Have you ever thought about being a stripper? No. Are you flexible? No. Can you wiggle your nose? Nope. Have you ever played Mario Kart? Yes. My younger sister especially was sooo good at it; she doesn't even play video games and yet she was hooked on it for a while. How often do you go shopping for clothes? Almost never. I really, really need to for undergarments and pants now. Do you have a high IQ? I don't know my IQ, but I very much doubt it. Would you ride a motorcycle if you had the chance? No. They scare me. Have you ever been bitten by a dog? No. Do you like the smell of cinnamon? yessssss Do you like frogs? I love those lil bug-eyed cuties!!! :') Are you afraid of dying? Not massively. I mean yeah, I don't want to die and the fear of the unknown is there, but I really don't think I'm as scared of it as most people. Do you like bananas? Yeah. Where's the last place you've been to out of state? Lake Gaston in Virginia. What are you listening to right now? I'm watching another playthrough of Fatal Frame 3. Gotta say it's probably my favorite that I've seen/played of the franchise now. Would you rather use a trackpad or a mouse? Mouse, for sure. Do you like steak? Yes. What was the best gift you've ever received? My late dog. Tell me one of your pet peeves. Consistently trying to make conversation with me when I have headphones on. It's a bitchy pet peeve, but a pet peeve nonetheless. Do you like to keep your nails painted? I don't paint my nails or care to. Are you a Duck Dynasty fan? I was a long time ago when I actually watched it. I wouldn't watch it now because I don't support the overly-conservative cast, having followed a couple on Facebook for a time. Have you ever played with Silly Putty? As a kid, for sure. I loved that stuff. Do you take in a lot of caffeine daily? Yes. :x Do you know a lot about history? Definitely not. Are you allergic to pollen? Yes. Would you rather play Xbox or PlayStation? I'm a PlayStation gal. Have you ever worked at a fast food place? No, and I neeeeever would. Hungry people are the worst. Do you like hot tubs? Meh, I have to be in the right mood. Do you know anyone who is battling cancer? Not at this current moment. Are you good at doing fractions? NOOOOOOO, or doing ANY kind of math. Have you ever auditioned for a talent competition? No. Would you rather get high or get drunk? I've never experienced either, but probably high. Being drunk is usually synonymous with being sloppy. Do you like the Silent Hill movies? AYEEEEEEEEE I'm the chick to ask! I love the first one, it's brilliant and loyal to the idea of the series but still unique from the original story of the pilot game. The second one is objectively fucking awful story-wise and is SO all over the place, but I can still enjoy it as an obsessed fan of that franchise. Did you ever want to be a doctor? I wanted to be a vet for a long time, if that counts. [TW: SUICIDE] The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? I probably cried some/was teared up to some degree when he visited me in the ER after my overdose. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 1 month? Is this written for a middle schooler? No shit I could, and have in the past on more than one occasion. Have you kissed someone with braces? No. Is this the best year of your life? Nooo sir. Can you have more than one best friend? Yeah. What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? Hot chocolate. ooo: What are your full initials? BMD. Would you ever let your grandma set you up on a blind date? She's dead, but if she wasn't? HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. Do you ever wonder if you will get in a car accident and die? As someone who is terrified of driving, absolutely. I'm primarily more concerned about becoming paralyzed from the neck down, though. I'd rather die than that. So your ex comes to you and says “I want you back”, what do you say? I'd probably say, "I'm happy to finally be able to say 'no'" or something along those lines. Maybe even just a simple "no." Which was worse for you: freshman year of high school or of college? College. I was so fucking depressed and lost. What is the last language you spoke, other than your first? German. Would you ever consider moving to a different country? Canada, yes, if it didn't mean leaving my family and now boyfriend. What is your favourite food from your culture? Burgers. @_@ Other than your name, what was the last name someone called you? Britt. If you could find one long lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I found her on Facebook before and sent her two messages over the past something years, but she never responded. It's frustrating, like I was so close to reuniting with her, but not close enough. Do you wash your hair or your body first when taking a shower? Hair. Have you ever been to a nursing home? Yes, with my mother to visit someone.

[lovemesomesurveys]

do you sing in the shower? Yeah, I have a shower playlist on my Spotify I sing along to.

do you think money makes people happy? It certainly helps, sure, but you can still be unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s not everything.

what's your relationship status? Very much single.

what time is it? 3:29AM.

what emotion are you feeling right now? Tired and irritated.

do you have netflix? I do.

have you ever traveled outside your home country? Once.

coffee or tea? Coffee, of course. 

shower or bath? Shower.

what's your favorite pizza topping? Extra cheese and sauce, spinach, cilantro, green onion, garlic. 

what's something that makes you happy? Beach days.

do you have siblings or are you an only child? I have two brothers.

what's your favorite instrument? Piano.

what's your favorite food? Italian, Mexican, and American.

what is something you are always losing? My mind, probably. <<< That’s how I feel.

are you good at spelling? I think so.

what is one goal you have? Get my health stuff under control.

did you get a flu shot this year? No. I never have.

what's your favorite Disney movie? A few of my top favorites are Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, Toy Story and A Goofy Movie.

are you bored? No.

what are you listening to? An ASMR video. what's your favorite foreign language? Spanish.

what do you do when you can't sleep? My nightly routine consisting of scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, and listening to ASMR.

do you like cats or dogs better? Dogs.

do you have any piercings? Just my earlobes.

what's your favorite vegetable? Potatoes, spinach, green onions, broccoli. do you eat meat? Yeah.

what's the best concert you've ever been to? All of ‘em. Concerts are just a fun, cool experience.

what's your favorite season? Fall and winter.

do you still write letters? No.

what would make you really happy right now? If I was able to have beach vacay.

what's your favorite song? I have a lot.

are you good at giving advice? I wouldn’t recommend asking me for advice; I’m a mess.

what's your favorite hobby? Reading and doing surveys.

do you prefer to talk or text? Text over talking on the phone.

what's your favorite pair of shoes? My Adidas.

how often do you read? (as in books) I read a lot. I finish one and start another. There’s a few different series I’ve been into that’s been keeping me occupied.

do you have any pets? I have a doggo.

what's your favorite day of the week? I don’t have one.

are you in college? No, I’m done with school.

are you/have you ever been in a long distance relationship? No.

how do you typically listen to music? I use Spotify.

do you like going to the beach? I love the beach.

did you make any new year's resolutions? No, I stopped doing that years ago.

how old are you? 31 years old.

do you know anyone who is blind? No.

who is someone you admire? My mom.

do you have a good singing voice? No, unfortunately. 

are your nails painted? Nope. It’s been a few years since I’ve painted them.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? I’m definitely an introvert. 

what are you having/had for dinner tonight? I don’t know, yet.

do you ever write in a journal? This is my journal/diary.

if you could time travel when/where would you go? My childhood. what's your favorite animal? Doggos and giraffes.

what's your favorite kind of cereal? The sugary ones.

how was your day? It’s only 4 in the morning. 

do you ever listen to classical music? Not often or regularly, no.

what inspires you? I haven’t felt inspired in a very long time.

how many pillows do you sleep with? Finally had to pack away a lot of them cause they were just taking up too much space. I currently have 4 on my bed, but prior I had like 10. I only actually use 2.

how many hours of sleep do you need? I never have enough.

do you have big or small feet? Small.

what's the weather like where you are? Miserably hot.

what's the most interesting thing you can see out the window? It’s pitch black out right now. 

does/did your high school have a school song? Yeah.

what month is your birthday in? July.

what's your dream job? I don’t have one. :/

are you excited for summer? Noooooo. D:

what foreign country would you want to live in for 6 months? Hmm. I’d have to really think about that.

did you have to go to school today? No, I’m done with school.

win a million $$ or never have to pay for anything again? Never have to pay for anything again, obviously. <<<

do you throw coins into fountains? Sometimes.

do you have a trampoline? No.

what's your favorite song lyric? I have many.

what did you eat the last time you went to the movies? Popcorn and mini KitKats. 

do you ever measure time in songs? When listening to music I sometimes do that. Like, when in the shower I measure how long to leave my shampoo in my hair that way.

do you know how to play chess? Nope.

what's your favorite game? (any type) Mario Bros, The Sims, various board games..

do you enjoy traveling? I don’t get the opportunity to do a lot of it, but yes.

do you tend to wait till the last minute? Yes.

have you ever owned a goldfish? Yeah.

how do you relieve stress? Cry.

without looking it up, guess the outside temperature? 82F.

now look it up - how close were you? Ha, I guessed way too high it’s only 52. It’s been getting really warm in the mornings so I assumed it was already high.

do you prefer digital or analog clocks/watches? Digital.

do you prefer to shop in stores or online? I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping the past few years even pre-COVID, but since COVID that’s all I’ve done until just recently as I’ve started to venture out to places like Target and Walmart. I haven’t gone to any clothing stores or any other store, yet, but I’m working towards it. Anyway, all that being said I do enjoy shopping online, but it’s nice to get out there and shop once in awhile. It’s definitely more comfortable and convenient for me right now, though.

do you enjoy coloring? I love my adult coloring books. <<<

do you like to dance? I don’t really dance.

have you ever owned a horse? No.

do you take selfies? Rarely. I did for the first time in a long time recently at my bro’s grad party.

do you ever listen to music in languages besides English? Not often, but sometimes.

have you ever cried from listening to a song? Oh, definitely.

what's your favorite song from a movie? I have several favorites. 

do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds.

who was your favorite music artist when you were 10? Britney Spears, N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, etc. <<<

when was the last time you had to go to the dentist? It’s been a few years.

can you speak Spanish? Very little.

what's the last thing you watched on youtube? I’m currently watching an ASMR video.

now what time is it? 6:09AM. I clearly took a break. Well, actually I feel asleep.

do you ever watch musicals? Yeah, some.

do you know anyone who's a twin? Yeah.

do you ever get carsick? Yes.

what's your opinion on wolves? They’re gorgeous, but I wouldn’t want to be near one.

when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? I go for the sad.

do you like seafood? Nooo.

do you enjoy going to the zoo? I enjoy seeing zoo animals, but I hate that they’re in captivity like that. <<<

are there any celebrities from your hometown? Yes.

do you shower in the morning or at night? At night.

do you prefer to work alone or in a group? Alone.

do you go to the gym alone or with a friend? I don’t go to the gym.

do you like coconut? I like the scent but not the food. <<<

who is someone you're jealous of? No one.

what's your favorite place to go out for breakfast? IHOP, Denny’s, and this local place.

do you still have your christmas tree up? Ha, no. And I actually have the decorations in my room put away as well, which prior to this year I had up for two years. 

do you have a favorite type of bird? No.

have you ever had an overnight flight anywhere? No.

if you use them, tell me 5 of your recently used emojis I don’t feel like checking.

do you know anyone that plays the violin? *shrug* I might.

how much money is in your wallet right now? Not sure, exactly.

anything you're looking forward to tomorrow? No.

have you ever auditioned for anything? Nope.

did you have a webkinz when you were younger? No.

how would you describe your aesthetic? I have no idea.

have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? No. 

when was the last time you rode a bus? Back when I was still in college, so 6 years ago.

if you saw $50 on the ground what would you do? If no one was around, I’d pick it up and keep it. If it was in a wallet, I’d turn it in. <<< That’s what I would do.

do you know how to play any unusual instruments? No. 

are you an early bird or a night owl? Both, really. Here I am at 6:17AM basically up all night. I dozed off for a bit, but still.

have you ever had trouble understanding someone because of an accent? Yes.

do you ever go to Massachusetts? I’ve never been.

do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Not that I know of.

what was the most memorable rainbow you've ever seen? (if any) Uhh.

do you remember anything from when you were 5 or younger? Just spotty preschool memories.

do you need to do laundry? No.

do you know anyone (including yourself) who actually enjoys math? Ew, definitely not me.

do you have a favorite poem? No. I haven’t read a whole lot of poetry.

if you were from somewhere else, would you visit your town on vacation? Uh, no. There’s absolutely nothing to do here. We’re not a vacation/touristy city.

where would you spend $100 if you had to spend it all in one store? Ooh, probably Boxlunch.

would you rather go to Japan or Greece? Greece.

now what song are you listening to? I’m not listening to a song at the moment.

what are you wearing right now? Leggings and a Mario Bros shirt.

any fun plans for the weekend? Nope.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 6) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

There are some *cough* illusions to sexy times in this one. Also Patton is um... not doing okay.

Patton said words that he’d usually scold Logan for using when, after the warning, Logan’s eyes fluttered closed and he toppled forward. Patton caught him around the waist. He sighed. “I really wish I had your powers right about now,” he groaned while eyeing the distance to the couch.

Patton was not a weak man, but Logan was not a light one. He managed to maneuver him onto the couch, though his feet dragged the entire way. Patton situated him with a pillow behind his head and then went into the kitchen to grab the quite extensive first aid kit Logan kept there.

A quick check up told Patton that there was nothing physically wrong with Logan baring a few scrapes from the fight. Which meant Patton’s usefulness was quickly dwindling.

He resisted kissing the man even just on the forehead because that would be bad and wrong when he didn’t know who Patton was to him. Instead, he contented himself with gently stroking his hair back into place and covering him with a blanket from the closet in the front hallway.

After that was done, he went to the kitchen. He braced himself against Logan’s refrigerator door and took a few deep breaths. He guessed it was an almost breakdown in Logan’s kitchen kind of day. When he was eventually able to wrestle control over himself, he calmly opened the refrigerator. There were leftovers from two nights before when Patton had tried his best to teach Logan how to cook chicken enchiladas. Logan had resisted the venture by attempting to distract him by any means necessary (mostly kissing and wandering hands). It had half worked, but they’d still ended up with something edible even if the kitchen had been a complete mess.

He could have just warmed them up, but he needed something to do that he could pretend was useful. He found some frozen cooked chicken and started thawing it in the microwave while he chopped up some vegetables from the refrigerator. He stir-fired the vegetables with some soy sauce and garlic and added the chicken to the pan at the end. With no idea how long it would take for Logan to wake, he dished out a portion for himself and placed the rest in the fridge.

Eating did nothing to fill the growing hole of numbness inside him, but at least he wasn’t hungry.

If this was his own apartment, he would have just left his bowl on the table and the pan in the sink, but it wasn’t his apartment, so he washed and dried them both and put them back where they belonged.

Then there was nothing else to do.

…

He went back to the living room. Logan seemed to be sleeping easy and showed no signs of waking up anytime soon. Patton sat down on the chair next to the couch.

He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, Patton’s eyes were closed, and he could feel a presence hanging over him. “What?” he asked without opening his eyes.

“We are in a sexual relationship,” Logan’s voice informed him.

Patton blinked open his eyes to look at him. He was leaning a bit too far into Patton’s space than would normally be polite, boxing him in against the back of the chair. “How…?”

“You have a key to my apartment, are comfortable enough in my kitchen to not only cook but to put everything back into place perfectly, and I have a hickey on my inner thigh.”

Patton’s face went red immediately. “Oh my god.”

“It is not a difficult deduction,” Logan continued. “I do have to compliment you. It is quite a large mark, assuming of course, that was the intention.”

Patton hid his face in his hands. “Oh my god.”

“It’s interesting. I have never had any romantic inclinations that I can remember. Is it just sexual?”

“What? No!” Patton sputtered.

He hummed, eyes scanning Patton like he was trying to figure out how he worked or perhaps more like he was trying to figure out what aspects of Patton would serve to intrigue a future version of himself enough to give him the time of day.

Patton swallowed. “Could you, um, give me a little space now, you think?”

“Why?” he asked with a frown. “I’d imagine you’d be used to such closeness considering we have had sex.”

“Yes, and at the moment, you are mentally a high school student.” Patton reached up and pushed at his forehead with two fingers. He stared at Patton for a few moments without moving and then slowly stood back up. Patton pushed himself into a less reclined position. “How’re you feeling?” he asked.

“My head still aches though not nearly as bad as it did before and, other than the small injuries I observed you have tended too, my body feels fine.”

“That’s good,” Patton said. “Let’s get you something to eat, and then I’ll check you over a bit more thoroughly to make sure there isn’t something I missed.”

Logan agreed and Patton dished him out a serving of the stir fry he’d made earlier and popped it into the microwave. Patton checked the clock: 4:30 am. He’d slept for a while. “Want coffee?” Patton asked. He nodded. Good. Patton was pretty sure he himself was going to need it. He started the coffee machine and Logan continued to watch him intently as though he’d never seen anyone make coffee before (not true as Logan had confessed to sneaking coffee behind his parent’s backs at the age of 12.)

“Could you tell me what you know about my current self?” Logan asked when Patton set the two mugs of coffee down.

“Sure, but do you want to be more specific? I know quite a bit about you.”

“You said I am 28 and I can afford an apartment. Do I have a job?”

“Sort of,” Patton replied. “You’re in your last year of your math PhD program and they pay you to teach a couple of low-level classes.”

Logan nodded. It likely wasn’t a surprise to him as even at 18 he’d been planning to attend graduate school in either math or physics.

“What am I teaching?”

“Calculus at the moment. Two discussion sections a week. You’ve taught up to discussion sections for first year graduate level classes, but you went for an easier assignment in your last semester to work on your dissertation.”

“Yes, yes, that all seems to plan,” he mumbled more to himself than to Patton while tapping his formulating-a-question pattern on the tabletop with his fingers.

“I seem to have a superhero persona. You are at least aware of said persona. Do you know how or why that alias came into existence?”

“Bluebird,” Patton provided. Logan’s nose twitched, and Patton laughed a bit. “No. You didn’t pick it, but it grew on you. You created the persona when you were 22 and just starting your graduate program. You were taking a physics course and noticed some strange behavior from your least favorite professor. It turned out he’d snapped under the pressure when one of his TAs missed a final exam the semester before and started to build a dooms day device. You were originally more of a vigilante actually, but when he almost killed a bunch of people, you quickly ended up a hero to the city. You just kinda… didn’t stop.”

Logan considered this for a moment. “That does make sense,” he admitted and then looked back at Patton. “Give me a brief overview of my foes,” he demanded and then tacked on, “please.”

Patton allowed himself to be grilled about Bluebird all through Logan’s breakfast from his enemies and allies to the public’s perception of him to details about the ‘special car.’

“You know a lot about me,” Logan said finally. “You answered all of my questions easily.”

“Any question you can come up with has likely already been deemed important enough information for you to share with me at some point.”

Logan scrutinized him with narrowed eyes. “How do I organize my files for Bluebird’s ventures.”

“Red files, hidden in your office, organized by different file types, and then by date.”

“What type of fabric is Bluebird’s costume?”

“A 60/40 bamboo/cotton blend because of ease of cleaning, breathability, and texture reasons.”

Logan paused and thought long and hard. “What’s Bluebird’s favorite color?”

Patton rolled his eyes fondly. “That’s just a question about you silly.” Logan continued to peer at him. “HEX number 3673b9.”

Logan looked surprised. His eyes scanned Patton up and down. “How many people know I’m a superhero?”

“Oh, uh, just me,” Patton said quietly. “At least that’s what you told me. Well, I think Remy may have guessed. He was in the surgery when you accidently said my name in mask, and he knows you and I pretty well now so…”

“The surgery?”

“Oh,” Patton said. “Right. I’m a doctor. I never remember to tell you that…” Logan raised an eyebrow. “That’s how I figured out who you were,” he explained. “I hadn’t told you I was a doctor and when you were going under anesthesia after being hurt helping the city, you called me by name and asked why I was a doctor. It wasn’t a hard guess from there.”

Logan nodded, his eyes sparking with understanding like they did when he finally figured out a concept he’d been struggling with for days. “A doctor,” he commented idly. “A useful companion to have.” Patton felt himself flinch, but Logan didn’t seem to notice having looked away and down at his coffee. Dismissing Patton as simply useful.

Well at least he was honest.

Patton bit back his emotions carefully. Actually, perhaps this was a good thing: the memory loss. Well, not a good thing, but maybe an opportunity. Maybe without Logan having years of knowledge about Patton and preconceived ideas about how he had to interact with him, Patton could figure out what on Earth was wrong with him.

Want to read more? Click below!

AO3 Part 7

[lyta-roca]

Fictober - Day 2: “That's the easy part”

Fictober - Day 2: “That's the easy part” // Fanfiction 

Prompt number: 2

Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Warnings/Tags: None.

_______

The only thing Sokka wanted this morning was to be allowed to sleep in peace.

The first interruption to his sleep was when Zuko's silly alarm went off at six in the morning. Who woke up at six in the morning on Sunday? Well apparently Zuko did it, even though they had been living together for almost 10 years, Sokka still couldn't get used to her partner's morning schedule. So with a somewhat muffled grunt, she settled into the covers and plunged back into dreams, where Zuko began her routine.

The second interruption came from their five-year-old, Izumi, and the mischievous cat, Druk. They both came bouncing around as if the bed were a trampoline. Such bouncing behavior on a bed was not something an ordinary cat would do, but as he and Zuko had noted, Druk was not a normal cat.

- Daddy, wake up! - The sweet voice of his daughter flooded the entire room, being accompanied by a slight meow from Druk.

Anyone who knew Sokka knows that she loves her daughter with all her heart, but when it comes to interrupting her sleep time, she does not look down on anyone.

Sokka grabbed the pillow that he wasn't using and threw it in the direction of Izumi, who in the meantime jumped around it with ease. Unfortunately, Druk did not suffer the same fate, being beaten and letting out a protesting meow.

- Daddy! - Izumi insisted, now her father moving it from one side to the other

With a little effort, Sokka glanced at the clock that sat on the dresser on the left side of the room.

- Honey, it's eight o'clock - he commented trying not to sound annoying - why are you up so early?

- Papa says that starting the day very early gives you great benefits

Sokka groaned with some desperation.

- Okay, let's do this. - She spoke after taking a few seconds to think - I'll activate the timer on my cell phone. - She grabbed her phone and unlocked it showing Izumi the screen - I'll put exactly ten minutes, see? - The little girl nodded - when my cell phone rings, I promise I'll get up

- Yes! - celebrated the little girl getting off the bed - when your alarm goes off, I'll come running

"Yes, yes, whatever you say," she answered half as she wrapped herself in the covers again, this time feeling a little weight near her feet. It seems that Druk had decided to rest those ten minutes with him.

But when he was finally returning to deep sleep, his cell phone rang. Has it already been ten minutes? Sokka swore that only four minutes had passed on her mental clock. But the machine didn't care about Sokka's mental math, it kept ringing. It was there that Sokka realized that this was not the tone for the stopwatch, but rather the tone of a phone call. Yes, definitely no one wanted Sokka to sleep in peace.

- Hello, you have contacted Sokka's phone, if it is not something important, please call later so that she can sleep in peace - reluctantly answered her cell phone

- It's also nice to hear you, Sokka - I heard from the other line

- Katara?

- Were you expecting someone else's call?

- Of course not. It's just that I'm surprised you call me at this time - he replied

- Sokka, anyone other than you, wakes up early

- On Sunday?!

- Yes, even on Sunday. But I called you because I need you to do me a very important favor

- I have a feeling that I will regret it but, well, what do you want me to do?

- Could you and Zuko take care of Bumi and Kya for today?

- What?

- I promise it will only be a few hours.

"Aren't you and Aang not supposed to work on Sundays?"

- Well, you just received a call from the clinic, it seems that there are several patients that need to be treated, and since I am considered one of the best ...

- Show off - Sokka interrupted without any regrets

- He's grown up, Sokka. - Sokka could swear that Katara had rolled her eyes - The point being that both Aang and I have jobs, and we can't deny ourselves

- What about a babysitter?

- Sokka, don't you want to spend time with your nephews?

- What? No, you know I love spending time with them ...

- Perfect! We'll be there with the kids in an hour - and without even giving Sokka a chance to protest, he ended the call.

Yes, she was definitely not going to be able to go back to bed after that.

_____________

- I have no problem if Bumi and Kya spend a few hours at our house, but I would have liked to be part of that decision

- I know and I'm sorry. - Sokka spoke, putting away the breakfast dishes - But I want you to know that I didn't have part in the decision either.

- When your sister wants something, she gets it, doesn't she?

- Most of the time.

The conversation did not go any further, thanks to the ringing of the bell. From a few rooms further back they managed to hear Izumi's screams of excitement. As soon as Sokka commented that his cousins ​​were coming to hang out at the house, he finished his breakfast as quickly as he could and hurried to his room. Most likely (in suspicion of Zuko), he had gone to fix it, because the night before he had had a little pillow fight with Sokka and neither of them deigned to pick up anything they threw away.

- Sokka! Zuko! - As always, Aang greeted both of them with a big smile on his face

- It's always nice to see you, Aang - Zuko replied to the greeting

- Uncle, Aang! Auntie, Katara! - Izumi came running, receiving those mentioned with a hug

- Just look how you've grown, Izumi - Katara commented with a smile

- According to the marks we have on the wall of my room, I have grown six inches since the last time you saw me - it seemed that the little girl was going to continue explaining her growth development, until she noticed her cousin - Kya!

- Izumi! - Kya greeted, catching Izumi in a strong hug, it was to be expected that both would get along wonderfully as they were the same age.

- Hey, cousin Bumi is here too - Bumi made his entrance spreading his arms

- Bumi! - Now it was the turn to hug Bumi.

The adults just smiled at the scene. It was something incredible that the friendship that they had created in years was also very strong in their little ones.

After Katara gave a "slight" explanation of the things that Bumi and Kya were allowed and were not allowed to do, she and Aang left, promising their children that they would return for them soon.

- What did we just get into? - Sokka lamented in advance

- Come on, Sokka. It's not the first time we take care of Bumi and Kya - Zuko spoke

- Let me differ on that dear husband - Zuko smiled - We took care of Bumi when he was just a 2 year old baby, now this is an Eight boy and the only times we take care of Kya (if we can say that we take care of her) They were when we all got together to go out, and according to me, Suki was the most attentive to the children than us.

- I understand what you want to get to, Sokka - Zuko raised his hands in redemption form - but I still think this could be easy. You said it yourself, Bumi is now an eight year old boy, technically he can take care of himself. And Kya and Izumi get along wonderfully, I don't think they give too much trouble.

Sokka sighed thinking a bit about what Zuko had said. Maybe he was right.

_____________

Yes, at the beginning things were a bit boring and monotonous. Bumi was helping Sokka prepare food, while Zuko had sacrificed himself to be Izumi and Kya's guinea pig so they could try a new type of hairstyle on him. Sokka generated a slight laugh upon hearing the words Izumi had used to convince Zuko:

"What's the use of having long, beautiful hair if you're not going to style it in different styles?"

The result of Zuko's new hairstyle, ended in two half-finished braids, and without him noticing, Sokka took a photo. He had gotten a new wallpaper.

The meal had passed without a hitch, skipping a bit the occasional napkin war between Bumi, Kya, and Izumi, which Zuko and Sokka joined in, leaving the dining room floor littered with napkins. They let the children go play while they picked up the mess. And from time to time, getting carried away by the emotion of the moment, they would start a new napkin war.

When they finally finished cleaning they went to check on the children in Izumi's room. They both had to put up with laughing when they saw the scene they found. Poor Druk lay in pirate clothing, while Bumi carried him and proclaimed the bed as his and Druk's. Meanwhile Kya and Izumi were holding plastic swords, implying that they weren't going to let Bumi get away with it.

The scene, in addition to being somewhat comical, was very touching. Sokka watched as Zuko's gaze softened as he watched the children play. As soon as Suko noticed that he was being watched, he looked back at Sokka and smiled at him. They both decided to leave the room.

_____________

The battle for control of the bed had ended with Izumi and Kya as victors, while Bumi had ended with a scratch on his hand from Druk (who had no regrets). So that there would be no more territory problems between the children, Zuko and Sokka decided to put a movie on them. The title they had chosen for them to see was one of Izumi's favorites: The Road to Gold.

While the children set up the room to watch the movie, Zuko and Sokka decided to prepare the popcorn and some other snacks.

- What are you thinking about? - Sokka ventured to ask

- What do you mean? Zuko looked at him as he buttered the popcorn pot

- Well, all day I have seen you thoughtful, you know - I try to explain

- It's not bad, I promise you

And with that answer they both went back to finish the popcorn.

_____________

By the time Aang and Katara arrived, the children were already asleep. The movie had been over for a while, but at Kya's request, they had put on another in which they fell asleep in the middle.

- They are so cute and adorable when they are not doing mischief - Katara commented taking out her cell phone and taking a photo of the moment. - Are you sure they didn't give you problems?

- Completely, little sister - Sokka replied - There is nothing that Uncle Sokka and Uncle Zuko cannot do

Aang carefully approached Bumi and shook him a bit to wake him up.

- Bumi, wake up, mom and I are here for you - she whispered - it's time to go home

- I don't want ...- Bumi answered between dreams

Knowing that they could not wake Bumi, without waking Izumi and Kya on the spot, they decided that Aang would carry Bumi, while Katara would take Kya.

- Thank you very much for this, brother - Katara smiled at him

- Anytime, little sister

Katara waved goodbye from Zuko and left the place.

_____________

- Carefully - whispered Sokka

- If you keep saying that, there is more chance that I will throw it because you deconcentrate me - Zuko claimed in the same tone, accommodating Izumi on his bed. Almost immediately, Druk arrived and huddled next to the little girl, like his faithful guardian.

- I'm sorry, it's that when he's asleep he looks so fragile - Sokka commented once they left his daughter's room.

- I know

Both returned to their room once they finished arranging the mess of sheets and pillows in the living room, changed their clothes and lay on the bed.

- What are you thinking about?

- Sokka - He said by way of claim

- You were thinking about me? - it was obvious that he would not accept an evasion

- I think about you every day - he replied laughing at the slight blush that came over Sokka - But I can't help thinking that a long, long time ago, Azula and I used to play and joke like that.

Sokka adjusts himself to a more comfortable position so he can see and hear him better.

- We had our moments, but we got along well. I really miss those times.

- Zuko ...

- I know I shouldn't be sorry about the past but I can't help but think that maybe I could have prevented my father from separating us, it could have prevented Azula's mind from confusing.

- Zuko - He called trying not to sound so authoritative - It wasn't your fault, you were just a kid. And yes, many things happened, but keep in mind that your sister is in your life again. She is willing to improve, and even if she doesn't say it out loud, she appreciates your company and support.

Zuko stared at the ceiling for a good few minutes, while Sokka waited patiently for her to think about her words.

- It's true - He finally spoke - I'll be there in case you need me

- And don't forget that I'll be here in case you need me

- I know - she smiled - and I thank you for that.

If Sokka had to put up with more napkin wars, wacky hairdos, and plastic sword fights again to be able to see that beautiful smile, then she would do it as often as necessary.

- You were right

- In which? - asked Zuko

- It was easy.

[lostinmymindpalace-m]

The Light of Knowledge

Chapter one, part 2/2, in which the thoughts are free

I want to make good use of my time and get a general idea of the material, so I return to my room directly after dinner and skim through the school books. They seem to be quite advanced in English here and the topics in mathematics and chemistry look more complicated than anything I have done so far, too. I take a deep breath, rub my glasses clean on my blazer and start taking notes. Outside it's getting dark and I have to turn on my desk light to be able to read my tiny, compendious  handwriting. But I manage to make connections between the new topics and my body of knowledge. Now that's not looking too bad. I surely won't be easy, but I think I can handle the work load. Finally, I take my diary out of the drawer and write down what happened today. The words are flying so fast my hand struggles to keep up, but I feel more relaxed with every sentence. When I put the pen away, there is just half an hour left until lights-out, so I put on my pyjamas, take off the glasses and go to the bathroom. Fortunately, it's empty. I brush my teeth, stare into the mirror and think about tomorrow. The class representative Neil and the other guys seem really nice, I sat with them during dinner and they treated me very well, better than I'm used to. But I assume they were raised to be more polite than the boys at my old school. Hopefully the rest of my classmates are the same. Hopefully I get good teachers. What if they treat me different because I'm a girl? Only the foam that's running down my wrist from the endless brushing bringst me back to reality. 

The next morning I jump out of bed at the first ring of the alarm clock. Put on a fresh uniform and admire it in the bathroom mirror as I fix my tie. The only one I recognize during breakfast is Richard Cameron. He is sitting alone and reading and I intend to do the same. Just like last night, students start to whisper when I walk by, some of so younger ones even point fingers at me. It makes me feel like I don't belong here and I can't let that happen, therefore the book. I have the right to be here and go to an ivy league college and so do so many other girls. Just get used to it. My first class of the day is chemistry, so I get my school bag from my room and head for the chemistry building. I'm way to early, but the laboratory isn't locked. I push the door open carefully and sit down in a row of tables in the middle of the room. A teacher comes in from the secondary room and, before I can say a word, tells me to hand out a thick pile of papers. While I walk around and put a project list on every table, my classmates enter the room in small groups. Neil and Todd are the last ones to arrive, they scurry into the lab just as the bell rings. As soon as class begins, I stop looking left ans right and note down what Mr. Hartley tells us. A laboratory experiment every five weeks, 20 questions due tomorrow. I make a note to read through the project list later today. The rest of the lesson is a lecture about acids and bases. When the bell rings, I have to shake out my hand. I grabbed my pen so hard it started cramping. Next is Latin with Mr. McAllister, a man with a Scottish accent who is walking up and down in front of the class, repeating diffrently conjugated and declined words that we have to echo. I hardly manage to write them down. What a stupid way to teach us the conjugational and declinational classes I think as I examine my poorly legable notes. There is a system that the words follow depending on their basic form. It's easy enough, but not when you just repeat random words. I scribble nominative, genitive, accusative, ablative, dative and singular, plural onto the page and decide to copy all of this again correctly. Math class on the other hand is no problem for me. Dr. Hager makes us stand up and recite definitions and methods of solutions from memory, but since I prepared myself last night, the questions aren't too difficult. When I repeat the definition of a cosine correctly, he gives me an approving look. Then he announces that any missed assignment will cause the subtraction of one point on our final grade. I quickly note that down and underline it twice. Not that I planned on not doing my homework, put this does increase the pressure. All in all, I'm a bit stressed when I sit down in the English classroom. The teacher, Mr. Keating, is sitting in front of the class, looking outside of the window and ignores us completely. That's kind of weird, but a nice break. I clean my glasses and try to relax a bit. Mr. Keating got up by now and is pacing around the room. Meanwhile he's swinging a ruler through the air and randomly points it at students. They look just as confused as I feel. „Ha! You flexible young brains!“, he suddenly shouts, which doesn't really help to clarify the situation. Then he jumps onto his desk and recites loudly: „Captain, my Captain!“ The others exchange looks. „Does anyone know who this is from?“

After the lesson, when I follow the stream of students to lunch, Keatings words are still stuck in my head. He made us go to the entrance hall and look at the pictures of former students while Gerard Pitts read out a poem. Infront of the walls I wished my picture upon just yesterday, he talked to us about our own finiteness. That was... something different. We are food for worms... I can hardly wrap my young and flexible head around it. I eat lunch, but whatever it is, it leaves no impression on me. Carpe diem, seize the day, make your lives extraordinary. I feel like this should move something inside of me, make me wiser, somehow. But all I can think of is that I am working to make my life extraordinary, that one day, my picture will be among these boys in the entrance hall. I only have two years here, assuming everything goes as planned. I can't let my concetration slip, not on my first day, not ever. So I take Mr. Keating's insistend words, open a little drawer in my head and lock them away.

The sports lesson in the afternoon helps me to shake of the memory of English class. All we do is run rounds in the hall and when it's finally over, and I'm done changing in the bathroom, my legs are wobbly, but my mind is free. I once again register how beautiful the school grounds look in the sunlight, so I take my homework and sit down on the lawn at the lake. I wonder what's going on at home. It's hard to believe that I've only been here for a day. How are Mom and Dad? Do James and Betty miss me? Ich shake my head. It doesn't matter. Thinking about them will only make you miss them and that won't help anyone. So I take a deep breath, watch a bunch of seventh graders throw someone's homework in the lake and start studying. By the time I'm done with math and chemistry, the air has cooled down considerably. I stroll back to the housing and think about my plans for the rest of the day. My Latin notes nedd to be rewritten. Should I do that in the common room? Other people will be there. But it's surely going to be loud. But you'll have to make contact eventually.Or not. They will only distract me. I'm still working on this question at dinner, when a tipping on my wrenches me out of my thoughts. It's Neil. „Do you have any plans for tonight, Diana?“, he asks kindly. „We are doing a study group later, you're welcome to join us if you want.“ Some of the other boys are peeking in our direction, their clearly hopefull expression makes me smile. But I refuse. „Thanks for asking, but I think I would rather do my homework in my room. Maybe another time.“ So I spend my first full day at Welton exactly how I planned it: With undistracted studying. I finish my work and write in my diary, then I put on my checked pyjamas and read poems from my English book before I go to sleep.

The next days proceed just the same: The classes are hard, I am prepared, Mr. Keating's lessons are extraordinary. Each one is fascinating and thrilling, but I'm not sure I like that. Sometimes I almost back of a little, as if too much contact with Mr. Keating's way of thinking could cause some kind of harm to me. Once, he makes us rip pages out of a school book. I hesitate for a moment, because as funny as this idea is, I can't afford to get in trouble. As if to confirm my foreshadowing, Mr. McAllister enters the room just when I'm tossing the introduction into the understandig of poetry by Dr. J. Evans Pritchard PhD into the dustbin. Thanks to Mr. Keating aren't in trouble, but my heart still misses a beat. I just hope we learn everything we need for exams.

I do my repetitions and the homework in the afternoon and fill the remaining time with exercises, reading and studying. As time goes by, I feel more and more at home at Welton, the boys seem to start accepting my presence, some of them I really like by now. My extracurricular acticities are interesting and I attend every meeting, thus I frequently spend my afternoons in the company of Meeks, Charlie, Cameron, Knox or Todd (I don't really get why some of them are referred to with their surname, but whatever). The pupil's magazine is my favourite. We have a lot of fun every time and I really like writing articles. Charlie says, I could easily make the team of chief editors, but I don't want to. Writing is amazing, but I would rather prepare myself for my classes than go to two extra meetings a week. Sometimes, when I'm done with my school work and the sun is just setting, I go to the entrance hall to look at the awards that are illuminated by the last warm rays. In these moments, I feel like my heart will explode with happiness and pride. I'm so excited for the future.

It's a paticularly autumn day, I sit with my back against a tree, let she sun warm my face and work on my translation for Latin. Or at least I try. But something keeps distracting me. It's not the boys playing soccer and cricket on the school grounds, that's for sure. I sigh and read what I unconciously scribbled on the edge of my paper.

The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse

That's what Mr. Keating told us at the end of class today. It has been stuck in my head ever since. Or maybe it has been bouncing up and down in my brain, messing up my vocabulary and causing the throbbing pain behind my temple. I shove the Latin book away and rub my eyes in frustration. I want to contribute a verse. I really do. That's why I'm here, that's why I study every day. I have been given the opportunity to be so much more than I could ever hope for. To be able to contribute a verse when I'm done with school. I will be the girl that gave generations of female students the opportunity to attend the best preparation school in the USA. If I only work hard enough, the project will be successfull. It has to be. So why do I keep thinking about these words? I slowly open my eyes and notice my former welcoming committee rushing across the lawn. They talk to Mr. Keating and show him something. Is it a book? Maybe they had a question about something we did in class. Whatever. I put my glasses back on and give Latin another try. Honestly, what was Ovid thinking. A logical sentence structure never hurt anybody. The next time I look up, Mr. Keating is gone, but the boys are still huddled together for what seems like a heated discussion. I wonder what is going on. When the dinner bell rings, they move back to school, still talking vividly.

It starts to rain during dinner. But it's a study night anyway, so I pack up my books and go to what I call the big homework room. Dr. Hager is supervising and pollutes the air with his pipe smoke. Aside or that, I like study nights. Doing school work can get lonely in the long run and here I have company without getting distracted. Normally. There is a lively whisper coming from the table in the back. The guys seem to continue their discussion. They are bowed over something on the table and whisper so agitatedly that Hager looks up from his book and admonishes them to be quiet. Todd isn't with them. Usually, him and Neil are inseparable... I put the pen away and let my gaze wander over the bent necks. Actually, Todd is sitting a few tables apart from the others, looking up from his work every few minutes and watching the guys unhappily. What is going on? When Dr. Hager calls them to order again, I guiltily turn back to my homework. But just a few minutes later, a movement catches my attention again. Neil got up and is sneaking to Todds table. Whatever Neil is trying to convince him of, Todd doesn't seem to like it. Suddenly Neil jumps up and speeds to the others with a smirk. I watch Todd who is looking after him in a slightly desperate way and somehow our eyes meet. For a moment, we look at each other over the tables and open books, then I give him a small smile and go back to my work.

Shortly before lights-out, someone knocks at my door. It's Neil. „May I come in?“ „Yeah, sure, wait a minute.“ He closes the door behind him and I take my books from the desk chair and shove the candles and socks aside so he can sit. „What is it?“, I ask as I drop down onto my bed. Neil hesitates for a moment, then he says: „I just wanted to see if you're alright. I mean, you're always by yourself studying“, he smiles, but his eyes seek mine, „so we hardly get to see you. But Todd said you looked kind of sad tonight. You aren't afraid to hang out with us, are you?“ „No, of course not. What makes you think that?“ „Hm“, he says and absentmindedly lights one of the candles on my desk. „So if I asked you if you wanted to come to a club meeting in a cave across the river, let's say, tonight, you would come?“ I rise my eyebrows. „It's late and we have school tomorrow.“ He starts laughing. „It's Friday, Diana.“ „Well, it doesn't matter. I have work to do tomorrow and there is a debate club meeting I have to attend. I'm sorry. I really like you guys. It's just... I have to focus on school, you know.“ He nods slowly. None of us talks for a moment. „I heard you got a part in a play, how is that going?“ His face lights up immediately. „It's so great. We only started rehearsing like two weeks ago but“, he seesaws back and forth in excitement, „I love it already. Acting is great. Makes me feel alive.“ He looks away with a beaming smile and notices my diary on the desk, dangerously near the lighted candle. „You write a diary? About the fascination of Welton?“ I shrug and pick up the worn out notebook. „I used to, but I haven't written in a while, actually. I didn't feel like it I guess.“ I can feel his eyes on me as I stroke the cover with my fingertips. He gets up. „I'm glad you came by, Neil.“ For a moment, he stops, still looking at me pensively. „You know what you told me when I showed you around the school, on your first day?“, he asks. „The thoughts are free? Doesn't look like it to me.“ Then he leaves. I bite my lip and slowy sink down on my desk chair. Watch the flickering flame he lit. For a moment, I let myself wonder, patting the notebook in my hands. Then I take a deep breath and blow the candle out.  

The days go on and the weather keeps getting worse. The sun seems to drown in dark grey clouds and cold rain and I can't go outside anymore. So I do my homework in my room and read out poems to the ceiling until I know them by heart. I've gotten only As in all my assignments. The teachers seem satisfied with me. I should be thrilled. But the truth is, my mood is as dark as the sky outside. Maybe I miss my family. Right know, I'm not even sure what I feel. Kind of numb. I'm rewriting my notes from today's chemistry class under the light of my desk lamp. Outside of my window, a rainstorm is raging. Huge drops are drumming on the roof and I have several unmeant lines on my paper from when I winced at the thunder. When I finish a paragraph about aldehydes, the room goes dark in a flash. I try to switch the lamp back on, but it doesn't work. A riot starts in the other rooms. Seems like a blackout. Annoying, but what can I do. I take off my glasses and rub my burning eyes. I can't focus anyway. Once again, Mr. Keating's lesson is stuck in my head. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way. We stood on his desk today. It felt weird, but also... As if it could make you wiser, in a Mr. Keating way. For some reason, I find my dark room unsettling, so I take out a candle. As I light it, I suddenly remember Neil doing exactly the same. He told me my thoughts weren't free anymore... I frown, because that doesn't make any sense. In fact, I think I have never thought more than I do right now. But still... What he said touched something inside of me and I don't understand why. Try to see it from a different perspective. Carefully, I move the burning candle to the side and crouch on my desk. I can't stand up because the ceiling is too low, but it's a start. Unfortunately, I still don't get it, I just feel silly. What a mess. I really miss home. What happened to me? I used to be so excited about this school, about every single day, every single class. I try to listen for the joy, for the feeling of freedom, but my chest feels empty. And alone. I feel so alone and it's dark and my knees start to hurt from cowering on the table. Tears make the candle flame look blurry. I remember what Neil said about acting: It makes me feel alive. I want to feel alive. Crouching on your desk and sobbing in the dark doesn't. I remember the boys whispering at dinner, excited, planning. Maybe they went to this cave Neil mentioned, before the rain started. For a minute, I sit still, my mind racing. Then I blow out the candle, grab my coat and run out the door.

It appears that I have underestimated this blackout-causing thunderstorm, because I'm dripping wet by the time I reach the edge of the woods. But I don't care. I understand how stupid it is to run through the forest in a thunderstorm, looking for a cave you have never seen before. But I don't care. The rain is cold, but at least my body has stopped feeling numb. When I finally hear voices and stumble into the mouth of a small cave in the hillside, I am facing six dumbfounded boys. Pitts looks like he is choking on a cigarette. I can't blame him.

When the shock and confusion are over, I'm welcomed to sit next to the fire that somehow is still burning, but besmoking us all. Nuzzled into Knox' and Todd's jackets, I explain why I the hell I'm here. And while Charlie tells me this sounds like some hard marrow-of-life-sucking to him, while I watch the bright flames and take in deep breaths of smokey air, I feel it.

Free. Alive.