#(with her there's always a doctor zone connection)

[kazoosandfannypacks]

One of my favorite things to think about is that Sara Murphy from Milo Murphy's Law is obsessed with the show Doctor Zone, which is a show that began in the 60's and keeps getting new iterations and is about a time traveling "doctor" and his companion. And Sara's voice actress, Kate Micucci, would later voice Webby in Ducktales. And Webby is famously obsessed with Scrooge McDuck. Who is voiced by David Tennant.

[smootqueen]

Love and Deepspace Unofficial Lore. Love and Deepspace is a mobile game that is NOT owned by me. This is content made for entertainment purposes only and not meant to oppose any means of sponsorship or monetary gain. If you enjoy this content, support Love and Deepspace by following them on social media platforms and downloading their game.

Warning: NSFW Content (TW: soft dom & cuffs)

Zayne vs Sylus x Female M/C Content 🩵🩶

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Before you begin, some notes from the author:

I want this story to be personally connected to you as the reader, which is why I did not name the main female lead. Throughout the story you will see her referred as “M/C” abbreviated for Main Character. Feel free to use your name/nickname as you’re reading it.

Thank you, reader!

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~ Between Shadows and Ice: Sylus and Zayne’s Battle for Her ~

Preface: M/C has been through a lot in the past year. Although she has faced many challenges, she continues to push past them by focusing on her career and well being. This all comes to a halt when she realizes she has feelings for her primary care doctor: Dr. Zayne, who lately has been very curious and protective about M/C’s other partners, including a recent hookup in a mission with Sylus, the leader of Onychinus in the N-109 Zone. Although M/C and Sylus have not seen one another since, that does not impede Sylus from being curious about his kitten’s day-to-day lfe. And now the arrogant leader of Onychinus is adamant to find her and not let her go again. How will Zayne react when he realizes his girl is about to be taken away? How could he ever let that happen?

Chapter 1: Pilot

I was sitting at the Hunters’ HQ when Tara came up to my desk. She was wearing her work out clothes and a damp towel hung around her neck.

“What’chu doin’?” She gleamed over my desk, which was covered in papers and binders of different shapes and sizes, all color coded to my investigation.

These past two weeks have been brutal, since trying to earn a promotion and reduce the percentage of Wanderers attacking Linkon. In the past year alone there has been a 2% increase in Metaflux fluctuations, causing Wanderers to wreck havoc. Part of my investigation has been to be able to reduce it at least 1% before the year ends, but that would mean—

“Hello! M/C? Are you even listening to me?” Tara interrupts my thoughts.

Since she got here, this is the first time I notice her. I glance up at her, a bit confused as to how long she has been standing there. I feel very tired all of the sudden.

“Are you okay?” She mutters, “You seem like you’ve gotten no rest.” I notice she has her workout clothes composed by a purple exercise jacket and some blue leggings.

I frown.

“You only work out at night before heading home.” I think outloud.

“It is night…” she looks even more concerned now, which causes me to panic.

“Right, right!” I say with a fake chuckle, rubbing the back of my head. “It’s time to—“

“Go home?" She suggests, getting closer to my desk and lowering herself to my level. Sitting on my white desk chair, I can see the water from the towel staining her jacket as she looks straight into my eyes.

“M/C, you don’t look well at all... I told you I was gonna work out this morning. You had less than half of these papers…” She glances at my desk and notices the pile. She recalls I was printing 10 copies in the morning and my desk was neatly organized. It was so organized, in fact, that she was able to grab my strawberry pen she loves so much. She had reminded me how jealous she was as part of her visiting my desk routine. And I, as I have done each time, insisted she takes it. Tara always refuses and says it’s a “special touch” to borrow it from me. She considers it to be her lucky pen that lives on my desk.

That pen is nowhere in sight. Maybe it's not so lucky after all? It is probably dead buried underneath all those papers.

I sigh, placing my fingers over the ridge of my nose and closing my eyes.

This causes Tara to giggle, “You’re making expressions like Zayne lately.” She says as she stands straight.

Shit. Zayne.

My eyes shoot open and quickly rummage through the papers to try to find my phone. Some of them fall onto the floor, which Tara quickly scrambles to pick up in a panicked woah!.

When I find my phone, the strawberry pen emerges. This causes Tara to immediately launch herself to grab it.

“I found it!” She squeals but I ignore her.

I have 10 unread messages from Zayne, and a missed video call.

05:30 - Hope your day goes well today. Be sure to drink plenty of water.

07:00 - Did you have breakfast yet? I recall you said your shift started earlier today.

7:30 - I will be having lunch at around 2 PM today. Can we video call then or will you be at work?

10:00 - I just got off surgery. There’s been a lot of injured people lately. Your calculations of Wonderers appearing more frequently was not off…

11:00 - I have a small break. I will be taking a nap. If you need anything you can call me. I don’t mind waking up to chat a bit.

11:45 - I got woken up with an emergency. Still, call me if you need anything.

13:00 - I managed to get things under control here. I will be eating earlier.

13:05 - Have you eaten?

Missed video call from Ice Prince ☃️

15:00 I hope everything is okay. I imagine you’re on a mission somewhere.

17:00 I’m going home now. The movie tickets I bought last week were for 7:30. Do I pick you up?

I glanced at the clock: 21:07.

Fuck.

“Tara, I really have to go.” I stand up quickly, more papers fall onto the ground. I reach down to pick them up and put them at the desk messily and neglecting the organized pattern I had on my desk before. As more papers fall, I pick them up and dodge Tara's head, who is also scramming to pick up the papers with me.

“You’re gonna leave it like this?” She looks up from holding some of the papers against her chest, “Just don’t let Captain Jena see—“

“I gotta go.” I snap, causing her to give me a soft look.

I raise my eyebrows in apology, realizing I have not even spent time with my best friend. “I’m sorry, Tara. I really just lost track of today and I had some things to do.”

“With Zayne?” She winks, a smirk growing on her lips as she places my papers down.

I blush slightly at her acknowledgement.

Zayne and I have been in a “situationship” for a while. Neither of us has really fezzed up about pursuing more, especially since we’re busy with work. I have not really told him that I developed some feelings for him, nor do I plan to. I have genuinely enjoyed the time we have spent and our nights together. Why would I ruin that with my selfish feelings? Just because I get some extra serotonin and dopamine when I am around him.

I feel my face hot as I remember the most recent one: it was in the parking garage at the Akso Hospital. We were inside his car when he called me after a hard surgery. One thing led to another… and…

I shake my head to clear off the memory.

Whelp. He’s gonna wanna have to do nothing with me after today.

“We were supposed to go to the movies today.” I explain to Tara.

“Shit.” Tara’s eyes widen, “You didn’t go.”

“I didn’t even bother letting him know.” I groan, “I was too focused with work and ignored his texts."

“Well, what are you waiting for?? Hurry! Call him back!!”

“No,” I sigh, “No. I think I’m gonna go to his place and apologize.”

I rub my face, realizing too late that I had mascara on and probably just smeared it. The moment I feel the texture I stop and click my tongue.

“Dammit… Today’s not my day.” I mutter.

Tara hands me the towel around her neck. I make a mortified face and she laughs.

“I will break out if I use that thing..."

“You will get gray hairs when you see what you’ve done to your eyes.” She winks, “Let’s get you out of here. I can you drop you off at Zayne’s…”

Now I’m the one giving her the puppy eyes, appreciating her for not judging me and giving me a hand.

Tara and I have become inseparable since we started our job as Hunters. Her desk is unfortunately nowhere near mine, but we make the effort to see each other throughout the day and send each other funny videos at lunch time or in-between missiong. We’ve gone on a couple of dates shopping and trying out new restaurants, and she tells me every morning what her Tarot cards said about how her day would be.

After Caleb and Grandma’s death, she stepped in to become the sister I never had. Of course, no one is ever going to replace them, but she has truly become someone special to me and has helped me countless times. Right after their passing she made me some carrot cake and brought it to my house. When I opened the door, I had not showered for days and was wearing some pjs. The first thing I noticed was the cake. I don’t even like carrot cake, but I ate it and cried with her that day. She offered spending the night and helped me with some chores so I could shower. That was when she became even more important to me. So even if it meant I had to hear her rambling about my strawberry pen and how much she wants one but won’t take mine, or how much I dislike carrot cake but she makes it, I will always choose her.

I smile.

“Sounds good.” I nod, pushing away her towel with an apologetic nod, “I’ll owe you.”

“An outing~” She sings as we walk outside of the office settings.

“T-“

“Ah, tsch, tsch!” She pouts, waving her finger in a ‘no’ motion. “I don’t wanna hear it! You have time for these boys but don’t ever go out with me anymore. I deserve a date with my bestie! Pleaasseeee” She makes an exaggerated look and heightens her voice as she begs.

I laugh, “Alright, alright. We can go-“

“Tomorrow!”

I stop walking “Tara-“ I see her disapproving glance. I sigh in response. “Tomorrow’s my day off, so we can go.” I say defeatedly.

I had intended to come in to work on those papers, but now that I promised her this…

“WOOHOOO!” She shouts through the empty offices, hopping as we walk together, “We’re gonna have so much fun!!!”.

*********************************************************************

I unlock the door to Zayne’s apartment using the keys he gave me and notice the living room is dark. Months ago, Zayne had given me the passcode to enter the building and the keys to enter his apartment when we rescued some puppies {coming soon chapter}. He never really asked for his copy back. I did try to give it back to him once by leaving it in his desk at the hospital while he was busy, but it managed to find its way back to me with some jasmine flowers and a note that said I was welcome to come in and out as I please. We don’t really spend that much time here, though I am familiar enough with the place that I know my way through it even though the lights are off.

I traverse his living room carefully, noticing that his bedroom light is on but the door is closed. The golden light underneath the door shines through the living room and illuminates my combat boots that I wear for work.

I take a deep breath before opening the door.

His bedroom is organized, as is the rest of his apartment. The bed is made except for the edge, which has the outline of where he probably sat moments ago. Next to his nightstand are his glasses, on top of a book, which indicates he was readying himself for bed. He always reads before sleeping to quiet his mind. It was probably some medical book like the ones he re-reads all the time.

The sound of the shower being on catches my attention. The door to the bathroom is open and steam comes from it, indicating that Zayne is indeed showering in there. From his bedroom, Linkon City is visible through his massive windows, that are essentially his wall connecting to the bathroom. He has curtains that are electric, they will wind down and black out the room for when he needs some serious sleep, but for the most part every time I have come they are wide open. If I had such a luxurious view, I would also keep them open as much as possible.

Guilt gnaws at the back of my stomach and the nape of my throat. I sit on the edge of the bed and think about what I am going to say when he comes out.

How do I even apologize for something like that?

Although we’re both busy, he as the Hospital Chief of Akso Hospital, and me working on my promotion, we always make time for one another. He isn't really a man of words, but I will receive pictures from him of things that remind him of me, or videos that he thinks I will enjoy. There have been many times where i have received gifts to my apartment as well: flowers, plushies, and some notes he will leave while passing by. Though these gestures don't have to mean much, they are meaningful to me because that is the way Zayne shows his appreciation. He may not say it, but he shows it through his actions.

The water stops running with a soft thud. My heart begins to beat heavily against my chest and I begin to feel lightheaded as time passes. What seems like minutes feels like hours until Zayne emerges from the restroom wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. His black hair is still wet and flat against his head. When he sees me, he has a serious expression.

I fucked up.

“Zayne.” I say, my voice cracking as I try not to cry. “H-How was your day?” I manage to say, trying to create a casual conversation but being too nervous to get the words out smoothly. I am sitting upright with my hands on my knees, as though I am about to be scolded.

He doesn’t answer me. Instead he just stares and blinks.

Oh no, he is really mad.

“Zayne…” I try again.

“Were you on a mission?” He questions, his tone serious as he folds his arms against his chest. His toned muscles on his forearms and biceps are revealed, causing me to blush for a moment. He is no longer holding the towel, but he does not care if it falls off. His eyes are fixed on me, demanding an answer.

Confused by his question, I frown and shake my head without breaking eye contact.

He walks closer to me after unfolding his arms, causing me to panic.

Is he gonna yell at me? Will he end things with me?

He places his index finger on my chin, lifting my head and forcing me to look up at him. He is so tall, and with me sitting down I feel like a prey trapped under a predator's jaws. His finger feels cold when he uses his finger. The back of my neck feels hot as I recall that being one of his signature moves when I am obedient and call him “Sir”.

I gasp a little from the sudden cold touch, closing my eyes as I feel it becoming slightly colder from using his Evol.

“Were you, perhaps, in the N109 Zone today?” His green eyes are drilling into me. Even though I am not looking at him I can feel the intensity of his glare.

I open my eyes and blink in surprise: “What?”

He frowns slightly and he rephrases the question more directly.

“Did you see Sylus today?”

Is he…

“Zayne, Sylus and I were partners in the N109 Zone months ago. We’ve only texted-“

“So you had contact with him, yet you chose not to answer me back?"

Oh my god.

He is jealous.

“No. Well, that’s a lie,” I mutter flustered, “I do talk with him occasionally but today-“

He uses his thumb and places it over my lips gently, pursing them together to make me quiet. A small flash of cold dissipates as he leans closer. I can smell his body wash on him, and can see some of the steam still radiating from the hot shower. My eyes meet his in panic, though I am blushing so hard my face hurts.

“You’ve been a naughty little girl. Haven’t you?” My legs become weak as he says that. I release the grasp on my knees and let out a breath.

I was very open with Zayne about what happened between Sylus and I at the N109 Zone. I never hid the fact that I had slept with him, just like he confessed being with other girls as well. Since we’re not exclusive, we’ve never really bothered one another about it. Although when I started to develop feelings for him, I preferred not to ask so I would not get hurt. But this… this is different. Zayne is never jealous. And he never mentioned anything about Sylus. Shit, I didn't even know he remembered the guys' name.

He slowly slides his thumb into my lips, causing me to gasp slightly in surprise. I close my eyes and open my mouth to allow his finger in. I teasingly lick the tip of his thumb, causing him to let out a small exhale as he raises his eyebrows in surprise. I make eye contact with him and suck slightly on the tip of his frozen finger.

“You’re two hours late to our date, naughty little girl” He emphasizes, his eyes flashing darkly as he pulls his thumb out of my mouth and runs his fingers across my chin, holding the base of my chin with his hand while holding eye contact.

“What are you going to do about it, Dr. Zayne?” I manage to say, glancing at him with innocent eyes.

He smirks with a small hmph of approval and reaches to grab both of my wrists. He pins them above me as he lays himself on top of me on the bed. His towel falls off, and I squirm to try to wiggle away. He overpowers me easily with his stature and strength, but he loves it when I put up a fight.

He leans into my ear slowly, which makes me stay still as I feel his hot breath when he speaks.

“You owe me compensation.”

He begins to kiss my neck, causing me to melt under him. Every kiss sends a jolt of electricity and adrenaline through my body.

“I know-“ I whisper, feeling his lips collide harshly with mine. It is not long before I feel his tongue engulfing the inside of my mine, causing me to let out a small moan.

When he pulls away, there is a string of saliva hanging between our mouths. He doesn't acknowledge it and runs his tongue from my collarbone, up my neck, until he reaches the tip of my chin. He then grabs my face with his free hand, still pinning my hands with his left hand, and pulls me in for a deeper kiss, this time hungrier and breathing into me.

“Zayne” I whisper between his kisses, feeling his member becoming hard even though I am fully clothed.

“Take your fucking clothes off.” He whispers, already reaching into my shirt to tear it off.

I crack a smile at his impatience, which is met by his growl.

“Now, M/C,” He commands, glaring at me. “Doctor’s orders.”

I nod understandingly.

“Yes, Sir.”

I see the hesitation in his eyes when I say it. He nods and lets go of my hands as I begin to undress, revealing my lacey green underwear, which happens to match the color of his eyes.

He lays down on the bed as I undress, his member fully erect as he watches me remove everything but my lacey bra. When I finish, he signals with his index finger by pulling it towards him in a “come” motion.

Feeling my heartbeat against my chest, I make my way towards him and await my fate. When I reach the edge of the bed, he signals again and I climb on the bed and on top of him. He pulls me in for another kiss as he runs his hands through my body, causing me to let out some deep exhales and heating me up more. Between my legs feels hot and ready to take him as I follow along with his kisses.

He reaches to unbuckle my bra as we continue kissing passionately. Right as I was about to feel his member, he pulls me up and begins playing with my right nipple. I let out a loud groan as he flicks it with his tongue and grips the other one with the tips of his fingers, moving them in a slight friction motion.

“Z-Zayne.” I manage to say, feeling out of breath. “D-Dr. Zayne.” I moan.

He switches sides, playing with the left nipple using his tongue. He devlishly looks at me, enjoying every second of the torture he is giving me as he bites down gently. I can feel him reacting to it as his member twitches, almost landing in the right spot.

I so badly want to sit on him and use him.

He catches onto this and his eyes flash with excitement as he pins both of my hands behind my back.

Motherfucker.

“Don’t tease me!” I angrily let out a cry, feeling hot and embarrassed that I was caught.

It’s like he knew what I was going to say because a smile unfolds on his lips.

“That defiant look,” he admires proudly, “there’s my naughty girl.” He makes me arch my back by pulling my hands away as he sits up. He kisses my breasts and collarbone.

I moan with pleasure, tightening my grip around him with my legs and try to move my ass closer to his member.

All I have to do is get him in. Right now he is teasing me, but once he is in he won’t be able to contain himself and he’ll stop torturing me.

A slap on my ass startles me. I glance at him wide eyed.

“Did the doctor say you could move down like that? Naughty girl. Didn’t you say you’d listen to your doctor’s orders?”

He firmly grabs by face and pulls me closer to his with his free hand. As if waiting for a response, he says nothing and just breathes into me.

I slightly shake under him, startled by the slap but feeling adrenaline and pleasure from the sting.

I shake my head in response.

“Good. And you will follow your primary physician’s orders from now on, right my dirty little girl?” He cocks his head to the side, still holding my face and cocking it to the side to follow his gaze.

“Yes, Sir.” I let out, biting my lower lip.

He is going to keep toying with me until he loses it. I have to find a way for him to be inside me…. Or else I am going to go crazy.

He releases my face and kisses me deeply once again, inserting his tongue into my mouth and deepening his kisses again. His grip around my hands tightens as his member occasionally twitches, causing me to feel more wet and tight in spite of the fact that he is not even in me yet.

It’s right there…

I move my hips slightly and feel him slide in me. He lets out a growl as he grips my body closer. I gasp as I feel how hard he is with the combination of my lust for him.

“M/C….” He groans as I shift and insert him deeper, “You’re so… fucking stubborn…” he weakly releases the hands he was pinning behind my back. I quickly take the opportunity to wrap my arms around his neck and begin to bounce on him, causing him to eventually join me.

I let out some moans as I hold onto his perfectly sculpted body. He now feels so warm as my hands move down his chest, caressing his nipples and down to his hard abs. I glance down at him and admire his handsomeness for a moment, continuing my rhythm. I then run my fingers through his wet hair and work my way down to his back. I feel his muscles tensing up as I quicken my pace slightly, and he places my hands on my ass to guide me into a faster and deeper thrust.

His tongue meets mine as we thrust together, breathing into each other, me begging him not to stop, him murmuring sweet nothings into my ear.

The ecstasy of the moment makes it feel like a dream. I glance at his eyes hungrily as he moves me even faster, causing me to pant harder and being so close to my release. He places his forehead against mine and closes his eyes as he breathes out.

“Come for me, baby girl…”

Shocked by the nickname, I become tighter around his member. I let out a loud cry as he grips my ass and moves me faster.

“Come on me.” He commands.

I obey, feeling my legs shaking uncontrollably and feeling the warmth of the liquid being released between our legs. We stop moving and I lay my forehead against his chest, panting and almost wheezing against him.

I was not expecting him to say that. He had never-

He twitches inside me. I let out a moan escape as I clench my fist and I am about to punch his chest in retaliation. He catches my shaky first and unravels my hand. He puts my index finger into his mouth. He sucks on it and I realize he is staring right at me when I look up.

“What… was that?!” I say breathlessly, my expression demanding.

He releases my finger after sucking it and pulls me closer to his chest, his member still in me. “You liked it. I can tell when you're ready by how the walls of your vagina hold onto me.”

I scowl at his doctor terminology, at the fact that he is literally a doctor and knows these things. Before I could protest he places his hands roughly on my back and turns us around, placing me under him. He disconnects by pulling out his member, causing me to whimper in protest. Before I have the chance to scold him, he lowers himself and puts my legs on his shoulders. He flexes his biceps to lock me in as he runs his tongue between my legs.

I squirm in protest, feeling sensitive and tight from our thrusting earlier.

“Z-Zayne.” I manage to beg as he licks me. I try to move my legs but I am unable to, his grip is too strong. I attempt to use my hands, but soon feel them restrained with some ice cuffs he makes with his Evol.

Fuck. He has me down.

“Baby girl,” he whispers into my legs, I tense up and stop moving, “let me clean your mess. After that, I can make a bigger mess and you can clean it up.”

I glance down at him, my legs shaking under his grip. He is looking up at me when he releases a side smile. He then nods and continues using his tongue for more than just cleaning. Before I know it, he is inserting his fingers and playing with my clit with his thumb.

At one point I am almost screaming as I grip one of the pillows between the cuffs and my back arches away from the bed. I feel myself let go again and feel even more embarrassed but he does not even give me the chance to acknowledge it. He uses it as lube to move his fingers in and out of me faster until I come again.

I feel almost lightheaded when he positions himself on top of me. I wrap my legs around him, feeling him insert himself and thrusting into me. I release the pillows as I feel myself melt under him and place my arms around his neck. He breathes into me: kissing me, licking me, biting my lips, moaning into me as he gets closer and closer to his climax.

Goddamnit, Zayne…. You’re so fucking sexy.

I notice his thrusting changes to an intense pace. He is moving faster and thrusting deeply into me, letting out more grunts and noises.

I place my forehead against his, he grips my body tightly as he moves me with him. His moans become more frequent as his breathing sharpens. He quickly pulls his member out and I feel his hot fluids on my breasts and abdomen. I let out a moan as he finishes, and the cuffs disappear before I can even ask him to release me.

Panting, he falls by my side and has his eyes closed. I notice he is blushing when I move his hair out of his face to caress his cheek. I turn to face him, kissing the tip of his nose and his forehead, which have a small amount of sweat.

I love you.

I wanted to say it. It would be the perfect time to say it. But he eventually opens his gorgeous green eyes and makes eye contact with me. He sighs in between pants and leans closer to me while pulling me in against his chest.

I lay there, quietly listening to his heartbeat coming to a steady rhythm. His breath evening out as he drifts into sleep with his hand against my lower back and the other one on my shoulder.

We spend the rest of the night wrapped in each others arms without saying anything else, as we have many times before and will continue to do.

This was our relationship. Our situationship. This would never change because of our own choices. I was okay with that, as long as I could keep lying here in his arms, pleasuring him, it was all worth it.

I was deeply asleep in Zayne’s arms that I did not notice Mephisto passing by Zayne’s apartment window. His eyes glinting red as he senses me and he flaps his wings against the night sky. Letting out a caw, he circles around the building.

“Good job,” Sylus’ voice radiates through Mephisto as he continues to fly around the building. “I’ve finally found my kitten.”

[elposting]

SAW THE BOOK OF MORMON ON TOUR LAST NIGHT IN PHILLY!!!

little debrief/review post 😛

Bought these tickets for $30 right after i saw it on west end, was originally going to take my brother but he didn’t want to go so i brought my friend lol (thanks anna i hope you had a good time 😋)

bought the enamel pin set! its now on my updated TBOM/matt stone trey parker shrine lol. I wanted to buy a shirt for when I go in January but they were all so expensive!! does anyone have any like shirts on etsy or redbubble recommendations?

Anyway rest of post below cut! Some photos and videos as always!

- The show was still fantastic as always but I definitely did not have as good a time as i did on west end- my seats were allllll the way back

I kinda felt like i was dreaming through the show, i had to squint to see and the seats were so small and everyone around me smelled like alcohol 😭

- The highlight of the show was absolutely Diego Enrico as elder cunningham. He was so good and so so so fun to watch and he is so cute lol

- i felt like the only characters I could connect to were cunningham, nabulungi, and the doctor/gotswana for some reason?? like they were the only characters that i was really really excited to watch

I know price is the leading man but i feel like I barely saw him- idk if I just was zoning out when he was on stage, he was still amazing, I just felt like this watch around he was more of an accessory to cunningham and his arc than his own independent thing. His most memorable moment in the show for me was end of i believe and his part in I am Africa (and anna’s reaction to that was priceless her mouth was wide open 😭) also the intro to and all of smhd

Also- mckinley- he is usually like one of if not my favorite character and i BARELY got to see him I was trying so hard to pay attention and stay invested but like i was not getting anything i could barely see him 😭 for some reason he did not feel like a main character at all in this performance and I have no idea why (maybe because i was so far away?) i was so sad about it lol- craig was wonderful though and his voice is heavenly and it was not his performance at all

- in the mission hut, instead of the couch, there was just a bunch of old office chairs?? did they change the set or is it just for the touring productions?

- the little golden moroni at the top of the stage didn’t move :(

- on occasion they had the lights go out into the audience and it was really cool/pretty

- fun overhead spotlights!! people who were doing handheld face on spotlights sometimes forgot to turn them on though so sometimes people would just be like… half in the dark

- being so high up i got to see a lot of the blocking and formation I hadn’t seen before, that was really cool. The dances looked great from so up high!! There were even parts of the show I didn’t even know there was dancing I finally got to see so that was cool

- the villagers were the other highlight of this. They were so fun to watch and so funny and I loved them so much. JSAM I think was my favorite part of the show it was so great

- sam (elder price) was like just a tiny tiny bit flat at some parts on occasion? I feel bad for saying this lol. he sounded fantastic most of the time though! His acting and dancing were flawless though, I loved watching him in AAP and SMHD specifically

- there was no mcpriceley in this like AT ALL and I missed the mcpriceley almost kiss AGAIN erghhhh idk how it keeps happening 😭

they were leaning into pricingham a lot and at the end price picked him up and like twirled him around it was really cute lol

- felt like the arnaba chemistry was more platonic than romantic but idk 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OKOK stage door!!

This was the best part of this whole thing everyone was so nice and I had so much fun

I gave out the tbom themed friendship bracelets I made and they all really liked them 😋😋

they were like all surprised to get them too lol 😭

Me and my BESTIE 💜 diego ENRICO 💜

and me and pookie sam mclellan 😭 I accidentally got sharpie on his hand and flannel I felt so bad

i keep embarrassing myself in front of elder mckinelys bc i gave my orlando bracelet to craig (i was giving them out at random and at that point i wasn’t sure if sam was coming out) and i was like “look it has the fancy charms!” this man just blank stares at me and is like “😀 wow!! 😀 ill take this to orlando with me when we go there in a few weeks! 😀” and then i was like “cool!! some of my friends are going to see you guys in orlando!” and he continues to stare blankly and smile at me until i asked him for a picture. i was dying. pj when i come to new york i promise i will try to have a normal conversation with you 🩷

and ill reblog this with some more pics bc i reached the limit lol

stage dooring was my favorite part, and i am SOOOOO excited for January!!! 😋😋

[cloveroctobers]

hold on — carmy berzatto

a/n: we want soft moments for carmy only!! It is the season of love after all. I’m taking a stab at writing a little bit this month, I’ve been more in the spirit this time around. Nothing too long but hopefully makes you feel a little something.

S/n: always written with a blk or brown woman in mind. Not overly descriptive so you’re welcome to imagine whomever.

prompt: running a bath for a loved one + catering to them like Destiny’s child :)

WARNINGS: things get eccentric? Idk I have no ties with the spirit realm or healers lol. I did minimal research, not gonna lie. This is just for story purposes, don’t take it too seriously if it’s not really your thing—It’s not Carmy’s either! + gif belongs to its rightful owner! You know the deal.

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“Uh, how the hell did you get into my apartment?” Carmy stood frozen in the entryway of his living room.

That last thing he expected to see was his old and only friend from high school swaying away in his living room.

A deep dimple appeared in her cheek as she glanced over her shoulder at the blue eyed man.

“Carmy! Welcome home!” She waved the incense in the air as if it was a wand, before walking on her toes towards him, he knew that habit to be from years of gymnastics.

Interlocking her wrists around Carmy’s neck, her dark eyes connected with his much lighter ones.

“Not that it’s not great to see you but…what are you doing here?” Carmy pried, almost waiting for her to drop some form of news on him.

They shared the same sentiments yet Carmy knew how to deal with it better. He found a sense of comfort being attached to his family, that was one thing that he was sure of, having family at the end of the day. Carmy already knew that he would be right down at the original beef after graduation, beside his brother, Mikey, continuing to help what their parents could no longer do.

They shared the same sentiments yet Carmy knew how to deal with it better. He found a sense of comfort being attached to his family, that was one thing that he was sure of, having family at the end of the day. Carmy already knew that he would be right down at the original beef after graduation, beside his brother, Mikey, continuing to help what their parents could no longer do.

He was the youngest so whenever Carmy was exposed to questioning events in the Berzatto household, his head was always turned to face another direction. That’s how it always was. From the moment he entered senior year and his dad started complaining about chest pains, Mikey would push Carmy to help their mom clean the kitchen, when he would catch his mother and sugar giggling about some special date she was excited about, Mrs. Berzatto would ask if he had a date of his own with her tonight, and when there would be arguments between his mother, Mikey, and their father about Mr. Berzatto putting off doctor visits, Sugar would drag Carmy back upstairs to talk about school.

It seemed as if everyone wanted to lead Carmen to another path, a better one in their eyes but it all ended up bittersweet in the process.

She suddenly gripped Carmy’s face, analyzing every detail as if she could ever forget what he looked like. Round blue glaciers for eyes, a tall pointed nose, scruff all along his jaw and chin, long brows and thin at the tips, faint moles underneath his left eye and another on his cheek by the scar sugar accidentally gave him one summer.

Still Carmy.

Except she always seemed to know more than what she let on, even if they haven’t talked but that didn’t mean she didn’t attempt to in her own way. They were always on different time zones and she sent a post card every once in awhile that he kept tucked inside a impressive bookcase.

“You need to prioritize self-care, my friend.”

“That’s doesn’t answer my question.” Carmy sighed, he was used to his friend’s mind wandering.

Huffing she spun away from him, long lettuce trimmed skirt ruffled at her ankles as she placed the incense in a ashtray that sat on the coffee table. The woman stood in almost perfect posture, inhaling and turning back with hands on her waist.

Her arms were equally decorated in tattoos as she twisted her fingers out to Carmy who just blinked at her, “isn’t it obvious? I’m here to provide that self-care.”

“Which entails…what exactly?” Carmy leaned from one foot to the other, while crossing his arms.

She walked up to place her fingertips against Carmy’s abdomen, “your gut-health is heavy. I can just tell by looking at you. It’s holding a lot and we need to clear that up.”

“No.” Carmy lightly flicked her hand away to plop down on the couch, “Whatever spiritual shit you wanna do, I don’t have the energy to get into tonight. I just worked a twelve hour shift and all I want to do is try to get a nap in—

“Napping is not full sleep. This cleanse will help with that and that’s what I’m here for.”

“Who says I need it? Let me guess? Sugar?” Carmy scratched at his hair, “‘ppreciate that but I’m not feeling it. Take it up with her for wasting your trip back here.”

“Spending time with you is never a waste,” she stated patiently with her hands clasped in front of her, “I know you’re not into my whole spiritual shit, which is fine. But I’m here and we need to do something better than just holding on.”

Carmy felt his brows twitch into a frown but found himself pressing his chin into the palm of his hand in thought. It was his turn to look at his old friend. Of course he had a idea that she found some sort of spiritual awakening when he received a postcard from Nepal…and he knew this was genuine but Carmy always had to keep moving.

He didn’t have time to let things settle.

Carmy also noticed that she said, “we,” which wasn’t so foreign. She’s always been the kind of person to take your problems as her own. However Carmy couldn’t help but to think that something else might be going on with her too. After all it’s been two years since they physically saw each other and a lot can happen in two years, hell—even a year!

“Can we start with a simple conversation first?” Carmy started, “how’ve you been?”

“Ah,” she kicked out a bare foot, “I already made myself comfortable. We can do the socializing after we take care of you first.”

“I don’t need—

A look was sent his way and Carmy found himself scoffing out laughter. She was not letting this whole “gut saving,” thing go. He pinched at the skin in between his brows as he thought this over. One thing he was aware of is, he wouldn’t get as much sleep as he needed so at least he would continue to be productive?

“Okay honey, what do we—

Before he could finish his sentence she skipped right up to him. She interlocked their fingers together and tugged for him to get back on his feet. Carmy was used to the soreness in his feet; being on them hours at a time so he ignored the buckle in his knees as he stood. His eyes locked on her frame as she sent him a sweet smile, leading the way with her woodsy but powdery scent lingering in the air.

Carmy did not expect to be brought into his bathroom. How the cubed space was only illuminated by pillar candles and smelled citrusy instead of the usual bleach and Lysol filled bathroom. His eyes then shifted to the greenery that was hooked to the tub.

“Why is there eucalyptus hanging on my shower?

“There’s also small bags of it combined with lavender wrapped around the sink,” she added, “I told you, I’m here to help.”

“By putting a hex on me?”

Suddenly she gasped as if the man she’s known for the longest offended her, “I would never! Not to you, my true soulmate. But I don’t recommend reaching out to my last two partners though. They might say something different.”

Carmy snorted out a laugh.

He was still skeptical but he also knew her. It was not in her nature to want to hurt him, they were too connected.

“alright uh, what do I need to do? Is there a pentagram hiding underneath one of these rugs or what?” Carmy lightly joked while she rolled her eyes.

She sat on the edge of the tub and ran her hand across, which echoed the sound of water splashing around. Shaking her hand out she crossed one leg over the other and dipped her head, “remove your clothing.”

“What?”

“Connecting with the water in the way that we first entered the planet is key. We as humans have had a spiritual connection to water for generations, it’s what we need to survive but it’s also energetically healing.” She explained to the man who listened but still couldn’t find that correlation.

Carmen hummed as he nodded his head, “that’s cool to know and I respect it but I’m not getting naked.”

“Do you shower with your clothes on?”

“Of course not.”

Her stare was intense,“Then what are you so afraid of?”

“I’m not taking my clothes off in front of you, that’s out!” Carmen hissed while she exhaled.

She pushed off the edge of the tub, “I never said you had to get completely naked…you’re not ready for that step in vulnerability and that’s okay. I’ll do that for the both of us.”

In that moment Carmy felt like his eyes were about to bulge out of his head like one of those squeak toys. He stalked towards her, reaching for her wrist to halt her from yanking the tie that was around her neck.

“Don’t do that, it’s not necessary.”

Her laugh sounded like bells as a small one escaped her full lips, “it kinda is and I can say that because I’m a healer. This is my territory. You don’t have to be shy, we’ve seen each other in our natural glory plenty of times before! You have a wonderful body…from what I can remember anyways.”

Carmy puffed out a breath, “God! what am I? A fifteen year old boy who just had their mother walk in on them fresh out the shower and is trying to erase her son’s embarrassment?”

“Did that happen with you and Mrs. Berzatto?” Her head tilted to the side while Carmy dropped her wrist.

He ran a hand over his mouth in frustration, “shut up. I’m not doing this stupid therapy session with you so that you feel…whatever it is you think you’re gonna feel. I don’t need you to fix me…I’m going to the sessions okay? and why won’t you answer why you’re really here?”

It was the first silence that filled the bathroom that made Carmy flick his eyes back to his old friend. She began slowly pacing the bathroom now as she took in his emotions. They’ve always been a “weird” duo growing up, with her wearing all sorts of whacky colors and patterns, a large vitiligo patch that took up the apple of her right cheek trailing up to her temple, and preferred doodling and creating stories than talking to other people.

Yet she never seemed to mind talking to Carmen. He had the stutter and preferred her speaking for them both when they were around large groups of people, especially when he got nervous. Carmen’s mind was always wandering but whenever she was near it tended to slow down for some time.

Like the possibility of a dream could be reality when their eyes held onto each other.

“Please don’t forget who you’re talking to here,” she softly said, “I’ve always loved you for all that you are…even if you don’t exactly know who that is yet. My intentions are to solely just be here, next to you, while you heal.”

She didn’t attend Michael’s funeral because she didn’t deal with death well. However she knew that it wasn’t about her and sent her condolences to Mrs. Berzatto while sharing a lengthy phone call with sugar. With Carmy? He dodged her attempts to reach out to him and she didn’t take it personal. Sure death was part of the life experience but it always felt so out of place to her back then. She also learned that Carmy didn’t attend either—not mentally anyways…he was in town for the service but he couldn’t bring himself to stay inside the church or watch them place his big brother into the ground.

She understood that better than he did.

“No, I get that. Fuck, I’m sorry…Even if the philosophy is strange as hell,” Carmy let out a long exhale, “but I’m sensing something else is going on. What is it?”

That’s when she let her top fall and Carmy immediately put his back to her, “Jesus! Why!? Are you serious right now?”

“Very.” She responded walking to the tub and climbing in with only her low-waist skirt, “the water’s starting to cool off. Are you getting in or is this going to be a one person session?”

What did Carmen really have to lose?

He still wasn’t getting naked but he did kick his shoes to the side and step out of his work-day trousers. He swallowed with his eyes closed and took a deep breath before he moved to head to the tub. Just as he was getting ready to climb in, her voice halted him.

“Against me, instead of across. My heart to your sacral and possibly solar plexus.” She instructed.

Carmy kept his eyes on her face and figured this would be easier with him in front. Shaking his head, he held onto the edge of the tub before he shifted to face the opposite direction and stepped in. The water was much hotter than he expected, letting out a hiss as the water stung at his ankles. Although the bathroom was dim he could see swirls of pink salt and petals, orange and lemon slices, and herbs floating around.

“Sit.”

“I’m gonna!”

“Your flat ass is still in my face.”

“Oh, Fuck off.”

“I love you too.”

Carmy rolled his eyes as he slowly allowed his body to sink into the steaming water. He sat forward, both tatted hands resting against the edge of the tub. Briefly he glanced over his shoulder at her in question, “so what now?”

Her hand shot out, reaching under his arm and over to push at his chest, urging him to rest his head back against her clavicle. Carmy exhaled as he felt his shirt become damp and cling to him now.

“You know…you’re still very bossy.”

“Coming from a chef? I think not.”

A twitch of a smile appeared on his lips at that.

Her arm remained wrapped across his chest and hugged him from underneath the pit.

“We’re going to set the intention now.”

“Which means what?”

“Set what the purpose of this healing will be for you.”

“You said you could see the gut issues all on me…whatever that means,” Carmy began talking with his hands, the droplets fell from the tips of his fingers, “so I’m guessing it would be for that?”

“You got it.”

“…and what about you?”

“Hm?”

“You wouldn’t be inside the water with me if this healing sesh was just for me, now would you?” Carmy asked.

The man was smarter than he gave himself credit for.

She thought fast, “I had to get you in here somehow right?”

It was Carmy’s turn to hum now. The hand that was once covered in water and herbs, lifted to press against her’s. Silently that was his way of knowing and telling her that when she was ready, he was around.

“So,” she breathed, “let’s start by closing our eyes, focus on your breathing, and then the feeling of the water.” She coached.

Carmen always had trouble focusing but the second he closed his eyes, blackening his sight momentarily and inhaled the multitude of scents that were in the room with him now, it all began to feel natural. He didn’t feel himself flinch as another hand gently rested on his stomach as he inhaled then exhaled.

He got comfortable with his back pressed against her front, a ink embedded arm was secure around his body, while the rest of him gradually felt lighter the longer he kept his eyes closed. Any negative thought that occurred in his day that dared to swirl through his mind, was almost instantly bum rushed away with a snarl he was familiar with.

He wanted to open his eyes to question it, how the ball of emotions he kept bottled up could be smacked away just like that? It couldn’t be that easy…although his legs and feet felt like he was floating but was still leveled by the guide that held him by the chest. Up ahead of his body, he felt the tugging of the organ that beat inside of it’s cage, covered in barbed wire until his head rolled to the side.

He thought when his eyes adjusted to the few burned out candles, that he must have dozed off for maybe ten-twenty minutes? It wasn’t until he felt the once steaming water was now barely lukewarm. Abruptly he sat up, water sloshing as he looked around, before he twisted his body to face his friend who sat peacefully with a J pressed to her lips.

“How do you feel?” She asked around a cloud of smoke that she blew to the side.

Carmy used the palms of his hands to press into his eyes until he saw stars, “ah…what the hell was that?”

“Did you see something?”

“I saw a lot that doesn’t really make a whole lotta sense to me.” Carmy admitted.

She dipped her head in understanding, “yeah, my first time also fucked with my head…then it all came together.” She responded before leaning forward, “here.”

Carmy plucked the j and brought it to his lips, taking a few puffs before he scooted forward, getting ready to explain but she held out her hands to stop him. “We don’t have to discuss it now. You marinate on it first after you get more sleep and see if your perception changes in twenty-four hours.”

He blinked, unsure what to say to that. Sometimes dreams? Illusions? weren’t meant to be discussed. Just felt. However Carmy felt like he had some concerns from what he just witnessed.

“How long was I out?”

“Almost an hour.”

Carmy let out a low whistle, “Can I?”

She motioned for him to feel free as he slid back to rest against her chest. He took another puff before passing it back to the woman who held onto it between her fingers. Carmen also did the honors of grabbing her other hand to play with her fingers.

It started to come back to him in spurts, almost like a spasm until she pressed her nose to the side of his face. “You need a official shower now, stinky bear.”

Carmy breathed out a laugh joking, “are you taking that with me too, honey bear?”

“Only if you’re comfortable.”

And that’s how they ended their night, standing face to face with Carmy underneath the shower head. It was his turn to search her face, cradling it while using the pads of his thumbs to caress her skin. Her hands stayed on his wrists, as they shared this intimate moment with the cleanse running down the drain.

Carmy hoped she didn’t run away once he revealed that he knew her secret. However it gave him some sort of warmth inside to know that she wanted to be near him when it happened. So he held her stare for as long as she wanted before she fully stepped into his embrace.

Skin to skin.

Her head fit right against his neck and he used the arm that didn’t rest against her back, to reach up to take the claw-clip that held her twists up. They fell down like a curtain around her and Carmy felt her squeeze herself even tighter to him then.

“I see you too, ya know?” He whispered over her head.

“It feels good to be seen doesn’t it,” she replied, “that’s why I’m glad the universe made you my person.”

She didn’t give much away, she was tricky like that and it was on the tip of Carmy’s tongue but he knew she didn’t want to make tonight about her.

It was not her intention.

So he’d save it for another day and hoped she stayed long enough for him to comfort her in return—no further questions asked—if the cleanse was right.

He gripped her chin this time, turning her face to place his lips on both of her eyes.

That hold that she had on him would not go unseen.

He cared too much to let that happen.

After all, she was just as much as his soulmate as he was her’s.

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taglist: @louderfortheback

Continue along with my winter anthology prompts here.

[shelbgrey]

Dating Eleazar Denali Headcanons

Paring: Cullen!Reader X Eleazar Denali

Summary: just some dating headcanons for my favorite Spanish vampire from Alaska

Warrings: there's a few NSFW headcanons in here so be aware.

🩵Eleazar denali series ����twilight master list

Your the newest addition to the family, you joined around the 90s (in the twilight timeline). With you being the newest member you and the Denalis didn't interact as much.

After Carmen cheated on Eleazar with Demetri, he moved to Forks with Tayna, Kate, and Irina in tow.

Then he saw you again for the first time in a while. I think the two of you always knew there was a connection or mate bond but never acted upon it due to obviously reasons.

He spent his entire first week at Forks talking to you and during that time he fell harder for you.

You couldn't help but fall for his charm, he just knew how to make you blush.

When Your 'brother' carlisle found out he was pissed, the family has never seen him that angry. He's very protective of you and when he heard the Eleazar was your mate he punched him.

“stay away from her”

Esme has to pull him away and talk some since into him. “they're mates... And they're happy”

Him and Eleazar made up and Carlisle spent over two weeks apologizing for his actions. It's all water under the bridge because Eleazar understood where he was coming from and carlisle knew Eleazar would treat you like a queen.

“I love her”

“I know you do”

Your engaged by the time Bella shows up. To put it delicately she the reason your wedding kept getting put off. James, birthday gone wrong, newborn army, ya know 'normal' stuff.

You got married after the newborn army problem ended. “yeah you think we could get married now? Just a thought”

Eleazar secretly gets really tired of the Bella and Edward drama, so he made sure you got your wedding first. You guys have been waiting too long.

He loves your eyes, especially when you were human. He loves how innocent and soft they looked, they're so gentle.

I wouldn't say Eleazar is a prude but he's definitely uptight and is the serious one out of his coven, but you bring out a softer and brighter side in him. He loves how you can make him laugh and being him out of his comfort zone.

You can always make him laugh, no matter what. He's the serious one in the relationship and your the bubbly one.

Tayna calls you the golden retriever of your relationship and Eleazar is the black cat.

Your the only one who can call him Eli... Maybe Tayna but other than that your the only one who gets the pleasure to do so. “she's the only one who can call me that that”

It's the small things that matter most. He loves dancing with you to your favorite songs. It brings a softer side to your guys chaoic lives.

He never was much of a dancer before meeting you though, but you changed that. It first it was just to mess around because you were bored, but then you both found out how much you loved it.

“I don't dance Love”

You rolled your eyes and wrapped your arms around him. “you do know”

He leaves love notes every where for you to find, sometimes it will be on your mirror, sometimes in the book your reading at the time, no matter what your always finding his sweet messages.

'If I were to kiss you and then go to hell I would, so then I can brag with the devils I saw heaven without even entering it.'

You guys love watching old monster movies together.

You learned he paces when he's nervous or aggravated. He'll move back and forth in your room at lighting speed somethings, mumbling Spanish. If he gets real aggravated he'll rant in English and slowly bleed into Spanish.

With jobs its simple, when he moved to Forks he became the Spanish teacher at Forks High, your doctor like Carlisle.

He didn't relize how touch starved he was till he met you. At first touching and contact wasn't really on the top of his list of needs(him and Carmen didn't touch much) but when you started dating he couldn't keep his hands to himself, he always has to be holding your hand or if your sitting on the couch or something your head is on his shoulder or chest.

You guys are family people, you have this mother vibe to you(Emmett says your like the second mom to them) so when the whole new-born delema happened Eleazar convinced Felix to spare Bree Tanner. You two adopted her and became the parents she never had.

If you met and and married before your transformation you two would have twins, the birth wasn't dramatic like Bella's and you made it threw with smooth sailing after Eleazar terned you.

From the beginning Carlisle was gonna turn you. When you first joined the family you were human, but when you met Eleazar you decide it would be him that would turn you.

Anyway, your twins are a boy and a girl(hybrids of course). Your daughter is gifted, it kinda mirrors Eleazar's ability to see what gift a vampire has. Instead of reading them she copy's them. She found out one day when she was holding Kate's hand then shocked Emmett by accident.

“your daughter is a copy cat” Eleazar smiled proudly. “yeah no shit” Emmett said rubbing his arm.

Your son doesn't have any special powers expect being incredibly fast, faster than Edward even.

Your daughter is an exact copy of Eleazar and your son is a copy of you.

Your really close to Tayna and Kate. They are both like little sisters to you. You and Irina are not as close but you got each other's backs.

Of corse you'd never trust Irina again after she went to the vulturi about the Twins and Renesmee.

The girls were over the moon when Eleazar told them about you and in the beginning of your relationship he was always going to the girls for advice.

He's so afraid of losing you, your the best thing that's ever happened to him and he doesn't want to screw it up. Of course he doesn't have to worry about that.

Your always resuring him that your always gonna be by his side. With that I think he's secretary insecure, he's never really had anyone drool over him like girls do Carlisle or Garrett, so your always telling him how handsome he is.

“have I told you how handsome you are?”

He smiled softly. “Yes dear, like a million times”

He just the same, he makes sure your the only woman he sees. Your truly the most beautifulest woman he's ever layed eyes on. “your so beautiful”

He's very protective of you, he not a violent person in the slightest but if someone caused you harm he'll tear the world down.

He doesn't let anyone talk down towrds you or about you. He's the type to either put the fear of God in them or if it was a friend they won't be on speaking terms anymore.

He'd never admit it or talk about it to someone, but he's a cuddler. If your still human your curled up to his chest sleeping like a baby, he'll have his arms around you all night and intill your wake up.

If your in the living room watching a movie with the family your head is on his shoulder or in his lap.

He'll watch anything that interestes you at the time. He likes supernatural and he'll watch Greys Anatomy on an ocation, being friends with Carlisle for centuries you learn alot of medical stuff, so he knows when somethings wrong in the show.

He's definitely a 'yes dear' when it comes to things, not in a bad way or anything. It boils down to that he'll do anything for you.

He's a rough but passionate kisser. He pours all his love and emotions into it, he makes sure your the only one on this earth he wants to love.

NSFW headcanons:

Eleazar has this mischievous kind of charm to him and he uses it to his advantage when it comes to getting your attention. He knows all your ticks and can easily get your riled up.

And it's definitely not one sided. Eleazar would consider himself calm and collected... Serious even, but you know how to get him riled up as well. Like I said before he became a touch person after meeting you. Sometimes all you have to do is Trail your hand down his chest or rub the inside of his thigh. When you push the right buttons he'll pull you towrds your room and you'll be in there for hours tangled in each other.

“darling... Don't start anything you can't finish”

He tries his hardest to be romantic all the time, during sex especially. He wants you to know just how much he loves and adores you.

He's a soft Dom and he always makes sure your comfortable. He loves to take control in the bed but would never push you.

Your pace all depends on your moods honestly. Usually it's slow and loving, everything moves so quickly in his life so it's nice to just savor moments like this. But if you get him riled up or push the right buttons that switch will be flipped in seconds.

Your small compared to him so he loves to have you in his lap, holding you when you make love.

Speaking of which, he refuses to refer sex as 'fucking', he thinks is degrading towrds you so it's 'making love' in his vocabulary.

He loves hearing you moan. If you try to hold back or even muffle them when it's unnecessary, he'd put an end to it. “please don't hold back Love, let me hear you”

He definitely has a Praise kink, he loves making you feel loved and appreciated. He love how he can easily make you blush. “your so Beautiful”

He found out very quickly how much it makes you blush. He took it as more sweet and innocent than sexual.

Small choking kink when you get him in the right mood, he'd never do anything to hurt you so this is a very rare occasion during sex, especially if your still human.

Loves eating you out,your legs around his head. He loves your legs in general and loves leaving kisses on the insides of your thighs. He'd rather pleasure you for hours than receive.

Lots of broken furniture(Esme has about had it). Usually it's broken headbords on your beds. There's always gonna be a dent where his hand grabed in attempt not to hurt you.

He's not very vocal, unless he's praising you. maybe some groans here and there, he'd rather hear all the sweet noise coming from you.

Eleazar is a god when it comes to aftercare. He'll knows exactly what you need and gets it. He'll make sure your comfortable and cleaned up then hold you in his arms.

[simslegacy5083]

Not So Berry (Straud Descendants) Gen 9

Today's (8/16/2024) Episode: The Dynamic Duo

Following his press conference, Luigi appreciated the rehabilitation of his reputation but hated being sidelined until after his wedding.

It seemed his bosses planned to use his break from playing to put his leadership abilities to the test. He found himself mentoring the teams' junior members and combing over footage of previous match-ups to come up with new gameplay strategies.

He knew the break was necessary to sell the story they’d told the news outlets, and Doc Leonard was sure that the rest would help his carpel tunnel, but he’d expected to be bored silly. He was therefore surprised when he actually enjoyed the work. It was satisfying to help others improve, and the way the team jumped whole-heartedly into using his new game tactics made him feel great about his strategic and high-level planning skills.

Luigi’s usefulness as an advisor wasn’t limited to tactics. He also shared all the best tricks he’d found to combat his condition using keyboard shortcuts and his advanced mousing hardware. It took the others time to master, but spending less time clicking around sped the whole team up.

That sudden change to a faster play style led to a decisive victory against one of their biggest competitors and earned Luigi a promotion.

The same HR rep who processed that paperwork also dropped the news that he was cleared to hire more staff for his other project. The Sims Forever community was positively abuzz at the prospect of a new life simulation game, and they wanted to show progress as soon as possible.

Meanwhile, Noemi continued to struggle at work, despite her win with Luigi’s project. She still just couldn’t seem to connect with her other clients.

After a particularly productive session with Dr. Valasquez, she began to understand that her lack of charisma might not be the only reason she was having problems at work. When she allowed herself to be honest and look past what was expected of her Noemi realized she was bored.

She didn’t want to spend all day hunting for and guiding new talent, she wanted to be hands on. DOING the work was the fun part for her!

When Luigi came home excited to share his good news, he found Noemi in their home office, struggling with both a headache and her latest side gig.

“How has Plumbook gone this long without a real employee password policy!?” she groused as he settled down beside her “No wonder they keep getting hacked! Getting everyone on board is a nightmare, and my head feels like I’ve been beating it against a real wall, not just lazy users.”

“You’ve been getting a lot of headaches lately,” Luigi observed carefully. “Is everything OK? Maybe you should see the doctor.”

“I’ve seen her!” she replied, “this is just a known side effect of the meds I need to function in the office, so I’m just going to have to deal with it.”

“Still struggling with your clients?” Luigi asked. At her affirmative nod he added, “You know you don’t have to stay at Rainy Day if you’re miserable.”

Noemi shook her head. “Freelance programming is more hands on but doing it full time would mean bigger projects and more client meetings. It would be the same if I switched to working at Kenzie’s robotics company. At least Rainy Day takes a lot of the meetings and paperwork off my hands.”

She flashed her fiancée a grin. “And I get to work with you, which is always the best part of my day! Oh, if only every customer was so cute!”

After a quick snack break to let the pain meds she’d taken kick in Noemi returned to her side job while Luigi went over the resumes of the artists, managers, and programmers Patricia was sending him to rush assemble a concept version of the new videogame they’d nicknamed “Project Daisy”.

He wasn’t terribly impressed with the quality of the sims they’d found so far. He turned to share a particularly sloppy cover letter with Noemi and paused. She had that driven look she got when she was in the “zone”: her fingers flying expertly as she typed and referenced a complex spec.

He sighed. Who would he have to sleep with at Rainy Day to get access to a great recruit like Noemi? He blinked. “Hey, wait a minute!”

Back at HQ the next morning the pair presented a unified front as they told Patricia that they wanted to transfer Noemi to Project Daisy full time.

“This is highly unusual,” she told them “and it isn’t a pathway to promotion for you, Noemi, even if you managed the team instead of programming.”

Noemi couldn’t care less about a promotion that would just mean more of the work she hated. “I’m OK with that” she said, suppressing a big smile.

They left the meeting with Noemi’s boss in great spirits. She was totally happy about her job prospects for the first time in a long time.

The best thing about working on Project Daisy was that she knew she wouldn’t need the pills that had been making her feel so awful, and she dragged Luigi out back to toss them out immediately. Eyeing the quite spacious and semi-private dumpster, she gave her fiancée a wicked look.

“Oh my grim! No. Porcupine!” he cried “Honey, I love you more than life itself, but I am never, EVER, getting intimate in a DUMPSTER!”

Noemi laughed, stepping away from the offensive bin to give him a suggestive kiss. “Fine, but let’s hurry home. Somebody owes me a signing bonus.”

I found out that Noemi’s Autism essentially prevents her from raising her charisma skill. Its barely at 2 and she would need 4 for her next promotion.

She’s already level 8 in the tech guru career. I don’t need her to advance further, and I hate the side effects from her meds, so I decided to go this direction with her story.

I also learned that squeamish sims won’t woohoo in a dumpster – totally makes sense but who knew!?

View The Full Story of My Not So Berry Challenge Here

[haggishlyhagging]

To a surprising degree, healthcare today still focuses on aspects of the science that were adopted during the witch-hunts: the spirit of aggressive domination and the hatred of women; belief in the omnipotence of science and of those who exercise it, but also in the separation of body and mind, and in a cold rationalism, shorn of all emotion. To begin with, the medical realm tends to perpetuate the impulse to dominate and subjugate, the beginnings of which Carolyn Merchant plots out in her book. And sometimes this is taken to cartoonish lengths: in December 2017, a British surgeon was tried for lasering his initials onto the livers of two patients during organ-transplant operations. And this attitude can be at its worst in practice on female patients. First, as Florence Montreynaud notes, "Women's organs are mapped out with men's names," like flags affixed to various parts of our anatomy. She explains:

“The canals connecting each ovary to the uterus were, until 1997, known as the Fallopian Tubes, after the Italian surgeon who first described them in detail in the sixteenth century—before they became the uterine tubes. The little sacs inside the ovaries where, between puberty and the menopause, an ovocyte matures every month are the Graafian follicles, named after Regnier de Graaf, a Dutch doctor in the seventeenth century. The glands that secrete liquid moistening the vulva and vaginal opening are called Bartholin's glands, after the seventeenth-century Danish anatomist. Worse still, in the twentieth century a pleasure zone within the vagina was given the appellation the ‘G-spot,’ celebrating the initial of the German doctor Ernst Grägenberg.

“Imagine the equivalent for men: Garrett Ander-son's corpus cavernosum or J. C. Wright's canals . . .”

Men's stranglehold on the profession is far from a broadly abstract force, either. The world of healthcare—especially when it comes to gynecology and reproductive rights—seems keen to exercise ongoing control over women's bodies and to ensure its own unlimited access to them. As if in never-ending reiteration of the joint project of taming nature and women, it seems these bodies must always be reduced to passivity, to ensure their obedience. For example, Martin Winckler questions why, in France, the annual gynecological check-up is considered an "immutable ritual," a "sacred obligation," from puberty onward, even if were in perfect health. According to Winkler, there is no justification for this practice.

“The idea that we must undergo ‘from the onset of sexual activity, and then every year’ a gynecological exam, a breast exam and a smear test ‘so as not to miss anything’ (i.e., in order not to miss a cervical, ovarian or breast cancer) is medically unsubstantiated, especially for women younger than thirty, among whom cancers are very rare and, in any case and as a rule, tend not to be discovered in generalist check-ups. And then, a year later, if the patient is doing well, the doctor can renew her contraceptive prescription without examining her! Why? It's quite simple: if the woman is feeling well, the likelihood that the doctor will find ‘something’ is almost nil. Then, frankly, why harass her about the check-up in the first place?”

Why indeed? This ritual turns out to have some grim stories associated with it. Winckler recounts the case of two adolescents whose doctor (also the mayor of their local authority) insisted on a gynecological and breast exam every three months. But the point of the institution, whether annual or more frequent, appears to be ideological more than anything else: it's about maintaining surveillance of women's bodies. Blogger and journalist Marie-Hélène Lahaye notes the eloquent title of a French obstetricians and gynecologists newsletter which, in June 2016, opposed widening the remit of independent midwives: the doctors denounced measures that would damage women's "medical surveillance . . ." For Mary Daly, this ritual perpetuates a state of anxiety in women from all walks of society—a situation comparable to that born of the pressures of beauty conventions— and constitutes a substantial drain on their resources.

Many doctors are so sure of their rights that they can cross the line into illegality without even noticing. In 2015, an internal note sent out by the South Lyon medical faculty inviting its gynecology students to practice vaginal examinations on patients sedated for operations was picked up online. On social media, as Marie-Hélène Lahaye reports, numerous doctors and students were offended by reminders that every medical action requires the patient's consent and that the introduction of fingers into the vagina meets the legal definition of rape. Some of them protested that there was "nothing sexual" in the practice and that they took "no pleasure at all" in it, thereby offering a brand-new and daring revision to the definition of rape. Others jumped from frying pan to fire by arguing that, if they were to respect procedure and request the patients' authorization, the latter might well refuse it. After reading and hearing from these quarters that vaginal and rectal exams were neutral acts without any sexual aspect, Lahaye suggested on Twitter that, in this case, the medical students could train in this work by practicing on each other: "I admit this was not received with wild enthusiasm."

Another problematic ritual: the parade of medical personnel who show up when a woman is in the midst of giving birth and each in turn insert two fingers into her vagina to assess her cervical dilation, without requesting consent nor even informing her beforehand, and sometimes without being overly gentle either. Lahaye invites us to imagine the equivalent for other body parts: you are at the dentist and, at regular intervals, unfamiliar people come into the room and insert their fingers into your mouth; or you are seeing a specialist for a rectal exam and a dozen people take turns putting their finger into your anus . . . "Such a practice," Lahaye concludes, "is inconceivable in any of the medical disciplines except obstetrics, the one that's all about access to women's genitals." We see here, in an extreme form, the assumption that women's bodies belong to everyone but themselves, which is found to differing degrees throughout society and explains why we are not expected to kick up a fuss over the odd pat on the bottom.

-Mona Chollet, In Defense of Witches: The Legacy of the Witch Hunts and Why Women are Still on Trial

[blorbocedes]

so i'm not 100% up on the nico lore and i keep seeing posts on my dash about how he nearly ruined his marriage to beat lewis and like, didn't even sleep in the same bed as his wife???? is any of that true? cos most of the stuff i've seen with his wife makes them seem like a really solid couple so... idk what to think

alright hello anon!!! for this one I got help from a fellow nicologist: @colors-of-feeling

the tldr of it is: nope, vivian was always incredibly supportive of nico racing, and when nico undertook the intense routines he did in 2016; she helped making sure he didn't have to focus on anything except racing, and there's even a story of their baby then 1.5 years old crawling into nico's office and instinctively putting her hand over her mouth to shush herself "cause you don't disturb daddy while he's working" 🥺😔 ultimately, nico found what he did in 2016 unsustainable and missing out on his family + kid's developments stages.

blonde4blonde. I just thought they looked incredibly hot here. @colors-of-feeling extended answer below:

and okay so there are articles of him not sleeping in the same bed as vivian (i think it may be from his beyond the grid but im not positive) and like most of that was beacuse he was working with a sleep doctor on jetlag and was waking up at and going to bed at crazy hours.. like running around monaco at 3am to change his body over to a new time zone

and also vivian had all the baby duties for the entire year. nico has said and i explicitly remember that he didnt do a single diaper change because he was just focused on recovery when he was home

BUT in NO WAY did he almost ruin his marraige. nico has said multiple times that vivian was completely on board with their plan for 2016 and that he could not have done it without her love and support and that she was his rock through the entire thing. Like they are (and in 2016 were) a very strong couple and she knew what racing means to him and was willing to help him achieve his dream

more tidbits:::: he also said that she didn't even know about his plan to retire until the saturday before the race and so one could assume that it wasn't like an ultimatum or anything for her either,,, it was just their plan to try and get nico to win and she fully supported that (or so nico has said)

she even got louis vuittons in his turquoise color to wear for his championship win and was there for as many races as she could be (idk if she went to all of them)...

like to this day, the only pictures nico has behind him when hes using his sim racing set is a picture of her and him getting sprayed with champagne after his wdc win and then another similar one in his office.. like she (and the girls) are his entire life

ALSO to correct another narrative i've seen thats connected to this... everyone being like 'why is he commentating for sky if he says he loves his family' when NICO HIMSELF has said that he loves to do it and has 100% complete control over his schedule and which races he goes to and therefore can plan his work around his family rather than the other way around (that's why he's only commentating 5 or so races on location 😔)

vivian was also pregnant and gave birth in 2017, so that beats the "nico gave up sex" theory, also I personally find born again virgin world champion very funny

[writing-whump]

I loved the new fic with Seline, Matthew and Isaiah! If you could write anything else with all three of them, I'd love to read it. Maybe Seline having to use her powers? I'm still trying to figure how those work - 🧙‍♀️

Poisoned Isaiah part 2

Part 2 of this fic. This just fit so perfectly for the prompt I had to do it. Thank you for the request, darling!

Content warning: emeto, poison, waterbloating, induced vomiting. Read at your own risk!

***

A few months ago, Isaiah brought a sick Matthew to her place. The door rang the same way, the pose was similar, the plea genuine. In retrospect, that night changed her life in more ways than one.

Seeing Isaiah slumped over Matthew's shoulders - sweaty, pale and pained - was a perfect deja vu for her. Except it was all wrong in the details.

Her hearing zoned out as Matthew frantically explained something about silver poisoning, dust at the bottom of a champagne glass, pack threats and Sonny Carter. The only thing that stood out from that flood of information was Isaiah's serious condition.

Matthew gesticulated aggressively, voice raising without noticing. Seline paced and pulled at her hair and tried to breathe, the world coming in and out of focus in silent, deafening waves.

Only Isaiah sat still in the chair by the dining table. His expression was as always. Calm, assured, slightly amused. As if nothing was wrong, except for the sweat collecting on his upper lip and the way his skin tone changed from white to grey.

"Isaiah, I can't do this," she said. "I'm not a healer. I have no medical training. We have to find you someone else." Her own helplessness, which now sounded like rejection, was painful to her ears.

Isaiah smiled at that, a sad resigned kind of smile that didn't reach his eyes at all. "There is no one else."

"You have connections all over the town! There has to be a clinic or a pack or one, only one allied doctor, who can help!" Seline insisted.

Isaiah gave her a long look, his sea green eyes normally bright and piercing looking dark and shadowed, too big for his face. "There is no one else. I only have you."

Seline whined, both hands in her hair now, looking at Matthew in desperation.

Isaiah coughed, leaning forward on the table, propping his forehead against his hands. "It's alright, Seline. If it doesn't work, it doesn't. Just try."

Was he seriously leaving it to her if he survived the night?

The responsibility suppressed the panic, though, giving her a direction to focus on. A crisis always gave her the best focus.

Silver was trouble. It was toxic to wolves and paralyzed their shadows, so the damage couldn't be just taken away and healed. Knowing the dust was collecting in Isaiah's stomach right now, soaking into his body tissues and spreading into his blood system...she had to get rid of it before it got that far.

"I got an idea," she said, stunned. Matthew's head whipped around to her immediately.

"Take him to the couch and unbutton his shirt," Seline bossed. Matthew nodded eagerly with something to do.

Seline collected her supplies. A 2l water bottle filled with tap water, a big wash basin from the bathroom, a rehydration solution, even a fresh towel could be useful...

She went to the living room, all collected and purposeful movements, effective but thought out. It was important not to make a mistake.

Matthew stripped Isaiah out of his suit and tie, unbuttoning his shirt but leaving it on for now. Maybe because Isaiah was shivering now, his back and neck damp with glistening sweat.

All her supplies securely at the table in front of them, Seline sat down from Isaiah's other side, hands going to his forehead and chest. He was warm, as if he had a fever running and his heartbeat was elevated. His green eyes were dull and hazy, but he still managed a small smirk at her.

"Didn't know you wanted to see me without a shirt so much," he rasped and swayed. Matthew put a hand on his shoulder, holding him steady.

Seline choked back a sob. How could he be joking right now?

Isaiah looked so fragile, out of sorts, completely at their mercy. He, who always radiated such confidence and tight control, dignified and fancy.

Seline cupped his cheek for a second. She wanted to hug him, hold him close, protect the smoking fire going out in front of her eyes. She wanted him to wrap her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be okay. She wanted him to take charge, calm voice, easy conversation, all nonchalant about knowing exactly what to do.

Isaiah leaned into her touch. His green eyes narrowing to slits, he focused on her and she could feel it piercing through her skin, flesh and bones, all the way to her heart.

She let go, turning to her task.

First, she needed to see if she could feel out the silver in his body with her magic. She put both of her hands on Isaiah's stomach. It was flat and muscular and she would have loved more time to appreciate it at a happier occasion. Closing her eyes, she opened her mind to her other senses. Feeling for distortion, a beat out of harmony. To no avail. She couldn't make out the silver in his body. Either that was a good sign, that his body didn't absorb the silver yet or it was a bad sign, meaning her affinity to water wouldn't help her locate the poison.

That what the water was for.

She uncapped the water bottle, bringing it closer.

Matthew gave her a quizzical look.

"We are going to put water into his stomach," Seline explained to them both. It was more for Matthew's sake, cause Isaiah was looking very dazed and not present at the moment. "We will fill it to the brink so I can use my seasinging to collect the silver in the liquid. And then we will make him throw it all up."

"Like when people make themselves vomit to get rid of the poison?" Matthew asked, disbelieving.

"That's the principle of it, yes." Seline nodded. "I need you to help me with him if he struggles. We need to keep him drinking until he is full and I can connect with the water inside his body."

Matthew looked horrified at the prospect before shaking his head in acceptance. He put an arm around Isaiah's shoulders and braced the other against his chest.

Then Seline looked at Isaiah intensily and brought the bottle to his mouth.

Isaiah might not have understood the reasoning behind the plan, but looking at her, he obediently took up the bottle into his hands and drank.

The first part of it went pretty quickly. Isaiah never did things halfway, after all. He stopped after the first half, face scrunched slightly and taking deep breaths.

"Drink more," Seline said gently, gripping his forearm to guide the bottle back to his mouth. Isaiah squinted at her and continued.

Seline watched his throat bob with each gulp. She could hear the water sloshing in his throat as it gathered, even how it was hitting water from the inside.

She put her hands on his stomach, both palms with fingers spread out. His belly was rising steadily, beginning to bulge out.

Now when she opened her other senses, she could feel the water, recognising it from the water bottle. The water she filled from the tap, from the facet she used daily. It was important to have a connection to something hers.

The liquid sang to her in recognition, the consistency and temperature, all the traits tuning together to give her information.

Isaiah gasped and put the bottle down abruptly, eyes squeezing. He coughed and gagged as the last water threatened to resurface.

She grabbed him by both shoulders. "Deep breaths! Take deep breaths! Hold it in," she said with enough emergency and command in her voice that he swallowed strongly against the wave of nausea. He pressed a hand against his mouth, breathing fast as he waited for his stomach to settle.

It was way bigger now, going from flat and toned to the size of a ball, standing out against his slim body. She rubbed at his stomach gently. It was tight and warm under her hands, sloshing and twirling.

The water bottle was almost finished.

"Just a few more sips," Seline said.

"Can't. Feel sick," Isaiah whispered. The desperation and pain in his voice were breaking her heart.

"I know. But it will help, I promise," she said, her voice going down in volume to match his. She ran her hand over the side of his face, combing through his sweaty bangs.

Isaiah raised the bottle to his face, hand shaking. Matthew leaned over to steady the bottle.

Seline returned her hands to their position against Isaiah's tight stomach, stroking and feeling for every change, every new tiny slip as it all added up inside.

Isaiah's stomach was swirling and gurgling in protest now, loud whines echoing through the whole room.

Isaiah's hand sank with the bottle finished. "Please," Isaiah whined. "no more."

"You are done, sweetheart," Seline reassured, taking the empty bottle from his hand to put it on the table. Now comes the hard part.

Isaiah leaned against the backrest of the couch, eyes closing. Matthew went with him, whole body practically draped around Isaiah's shivering form.

Seline pulled her legs up to sit on her knees and leaned over Isaiah's stomach. She ran her palms over it now quicker and with more urgency, stroking every inch, down and up.

Then, she started to sing. She didn't have a new song ready. Not for such a situation and not that quickly. She didn't want to risk choosing a weak song or mistaking a word that wouldn't fit with the rest. Instead, she sang a song she knew, about the sea calling the rivers into it.

The song should connect to the situation and the element, but the purpose of the song was to express meaning and intention with something bigger than just the sum of its parts. Her intention mattered more than the words she sang - the song simply guided and sketched the meaning. This way, she could formulate intents that couldn't be explained, that were too complex or too complicated to put into words.

Right then, what Seline was compensating for was medical knowledge. She couldn't imagine what exactly was happening with the silver particles inside Isaiah's body or the exact way this was damaging the cells. What she could, was supply the goal she had in mind - summon it together. Collect it. Draw it out from all concerns of his body, in the center of his stomach. In the gathered water, she owned, granted and commanded now.

And she could feel the water moving. It was whirling under her hands as the water flowed, gathering up against Isaiah's navel. She could feel it responding on a physical level now. Excellent.

The next song she sang was about cleansing. About good intents and homey atmosphere and all the bad harmful things leaving. It was an old, traditional witch song without a metaphorical meaning she usually preferred, but it felt right to add a literal meaning to the magic too. 

The last song she sang didn’t have words at all. It was just a melody, humming quietly as she now stroked wide circles on Isaiah’s body. She could feel the weight and presence of the silver dust now, gathered together. In her mind, it looked like a tiny glass ball, containing everything toxic and heavy inside the protective mass of water around it. It wouldn’t touch Isaiah anymore. It couldn’t harm him.

Content that it worked, but slightly horrified at the prospect of what would come next, she lifted her eyes to meet Matthew’s. The red-haired wolf was watching Isaiah’s every little grimace and frown, but feeling her gaze, he returned it. She flicked her eyes towards the wash basin, round and deep, waiting on the table.

Matthew’s eyes widened in understanding. He reached for the basin. His hand behind Isaiah’s back went to his nape as he gently pushed him forward to maneuver the bowl under his chin. 

Isaiah wasn’t responsive anymore, dozing and frowning in discomfort. Seline could feel the heat radiating from his skin, but his heartbeat was worryingly slow. They would find out soon if it worked at all.

Matthew and Seline exchanged a long glance, as if counting to three. Then Seline pushed both hands against Isaiah’s stomach, right under the centre. As hard as she could.

The effect was immediate. Isaiah’s eyes opened in alarm as the water shot up his throat, back arching aggressively. He whined at the back of his throat in pain, but couldn’t do anything but let the water spray from his lips.

The hoarse vomiting sound pierced the room as the first wave of water hit the basin. Then the next and the next. The gagging reflex was triggered now and the water kept coming like a flood. Seline didn’t have to push anymore, but she kept her hands on his stomach, feeling for the water as the upset organ gurgled and spasmed before shooting up another.

Suddenly, Isaiah went limp and fell back, Matthew’s arms catching him by a hair. Seline let go, turning to the basin, her hands hovering over the water. She could feel the presence of the silver inside, the weight and amount the same as in Isaiah’s stomach. She sighed in relief. 

They made it.

Except it wasn’t the end of their night by a long shot. Isaiah kept gagging over the basin, somehow still managing to bring up mouthfuls of liquid and bile. His stomach was contracting even when he wasn’t throwing up and he was sweaty and burning up, as if they didn’t get rid of the poison. 

Seline rubbed at his stomach, then ran her hands over his chest and arms, she didn’t feel the silver anymore. What she felt was disharmony, which, after a few panicked minutes, made her realize she felt the damage already done to the tissues. His throat was burned by it, his stomach lining bruised. But there wasn’t any blood. If Isaiah could raise his shadow, it would take away the leftover injuries, no doubt. His shadow was still paralyzed though, not moving. Isaiah’s shadow usually wasn’t visible, very controlled and polite, but she had never seen it like this before. All flimsy and hollow. 

The rest of the night blurred together in a collage. Isaiah would go limp in exhaustion after every bout of vomiting. Seline’s eyes would drift asleep, but then he was gagging and burping just 20 minutes later. It was almost rhythmical, how it repeated itself, even when Isaiah had nothing left to expel. 

At 3 in the morning, Seline was convinced the worst torture was disturbed sleep. They were all drifting off now, only to wake up with Isaiah every time, movements on autopilot. Isaiah would helplessly fall back, against Matthew’s chest or into her lap, curling into himself, moaning quietly before falling back into a fitful sleep. 

Later she would remember only little sensations of comfort in the sea of misery.

The way Isaiah’s breathing evened when he hid his face into Matthew’s shoulder.

The silky texture of his black hair, as she combed through them to his nape and back.

Running her fingers up and down his spine, feeling every little bone.

They didn’t notice where it went from a necessary breach of privacy into such wistful intimacy. When it stopped being weird but became a comfort for all of them. 

After Isaiah broke the record of not throwing up for over an hour, she decided to give him the hydrating solution. Just a few sips would help against the dryness in his puckered lips. His temperature improved then.

At some point during the early morning, when Isaiah kept the solution down, Matthew took him to shower. Seline left them to it, relying on Matthew’s admittedly much larger energy reserves as a wolf, to curl up at the couch. She kept an ear out for the sounds. Hearing the shower running. Matthew’s muffled voice. The sudden empty gags as Isaiah burped and struggled emptily again and Matthew’s voice turning gentle and quiet in response. 

Seline tucked herself under the blanket, curling into the pillow. Just a few breaths of silence when the responsibility of keeping Isaiah upright, clean and as comfortable as possible didn’t feel as imminent. Taking deep breaths, she let herself feel the victory, the sheer relief they made it.

That’s when the tears came.

Seline was too exhausted to know what emotion was to blame. They just kept coming, hot and salty, down her cheeks. She turned her face down to muffle the quiet sobs, not sure if the wolf hearing would allow them to perceive it even during the running shower.

When she door opened, heavy steps coming back, she swallowed them down, swiftly rubbing her cheeks dry. The waterworks stopped at that moment, thankfully.

Matthew positioned freshly showered and finally clean smelling Isaiah in one of her thick white bathroom robes - yes, they were a gift from a hotel - back on the couch.

He gave her a long, unhappy look. If he didn’t hear her, he guessed it.

She shrugged in response, half her face hidden against the pillow. 

Seline didn’t remember whose genius idea it was to unfold the sofa to the size of a bed.

She woke up sometime during midday, sun streaming heavily through the curtains, to the three of them tangled up together on the makeshift bed, snoring peacefully.

[blood-injections]

Headcanons n stuff from my Phoenix Witch Ghoul au

So like the Witch was the Witch but basically something happened and he sacrificed himself to save everyone and in doing so his soul merged with hers and so that’s how he became her

He has all of the Witch's memories now alongside his own as she has all his, they are one being and yet the Witch still somewhat has her own consciousness or like vibes in his head, it’s hard to explain but it’ll make sense in the fic i think

Ghoul has all of the Witch's powers like seeing souls, appearing to people, granting small miracles, and being able to see the history of any soul. He can also ‘manifest’ as anything so when he’s in the living world, sometimes he’s fun ghoul but sometimes they’re a crow/raven or a coyote or something. his favorite way to traverse the zones is as a raven. He can shapeshift essentially.

Since he and the Witch are one, he’s her but he’s also still himself, it’s like a genderfuck mindfuck thing and his identity isn’t the same. He’s fun ghoul but not, or well, it’s easier to be fun ghoul when he’s with the Fab Four or his friends and appearing as a killjoy, but if he’s reaping souls and stuff he’s more witch than killjoy and doesn’t feel like connected to humanity. And then when he is fun ghoul, his identity has changed since before he was the witch, he’s just genderless now as opposed to like transmasc lol

Kobra has powers too, he can speak to spiders and snakes and all the little things and sometimes they'll help him out, for he earned their respect and praise in a previous life.

And he always wears sunglasses because he literally has snake eyes. He can see infrared like snakes and it makes him fucking deadly at night

Unlike Ghoul, Kobra is still human, but he is also strangely in tune with the desert, more than any normal killjoy. Becuase of this connection, Kobra can always predict the weather or where dracs are going to appear.

Its common knowledge that crows are just puppies and when Ghouls around the diner in the form of one he always gets pet.

Kobra's the only one thats seen Ghouls true form, the one he has on the spiritual plane, the form of the Phoenix Witch or, well, what he and the Phoenix Witch merged to become. He thinks that form is beautiful.

None of them ever fail to be in awe of the fact that their little guy is now The Motherfucking Witch

Doctor Death Defying is named that for a reason, hes the Witch's favorite, after all(until Ghoul joined the witch, then theres several favorites.

Some killjoys have the ability to astral project, to walk the spiritual plane and talk to the witch in her realm. Doctor D has this ability and it’s how he always knows about claps and lost killjoys right away, becuase he astral projects and wanders the other side and sees what souls are waiting for the witch

Cola also has this power, but doesn't use it as much as Doctor D does.

The girl also has the power to astral project, thats how ghouls finds her in the first place, she passed out in the desert from the heat and is wandering his world and he sees the power in his soul, knows that she could save the world one day, so he goes to her and brings her back to the fab four, where they become her family

She calls Ghoul birdy and things along those lines a lot because her first impression of him was that of his quite feathery form of the witch

When jet star loses her eye, ghoul gives her a different kind of sight from where the eye is missing- the power to see souls and spirits

Kobra calls him Cuervo all the time now as a term of endearment

Even though he's the witch now they still roughhouse they’re still idiots

Ghoul will live forever and get to witness his friend’s souls being reborn time and time again

He can manifest as anything and kets just say he starts taking some liberties(ehhem um trnasgender things) with his form(also the pranking potential of shapeshifting.. it doesnt matter that hes a powerful spirit now hes still a little shit)

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 s02e18 Confessions and Lamentations s02 table of contents • previous episode

Lt Keffer has been looking for an unidentified ship he saw once in hyperspace. That's potentially deadly! The mystery of the shadows and the different threads all feel strung tightly. I always want to know more than they reveal.

A Markab ship is late/missing, and four Markab have died of natural causes on the station in the last few days. Interesting to have them be involved in two, simultaneous mysteries. Connected, I wonder?

Date night is levelling up! Delenn is reciprocating the human style date with a Minbari ritual dinner. Lennier hasn't slept in two days in order to ritually prepare it correctly, and now they must eat it ritually/

Terribly amusing that this is her date night. Like, is this super romantic to Minbari? Lennier cooked, is that normal romantic behavior, too? Too funny.

Markab ship found, but everyone on board is dead! The mystery deepens. Trying to figure out if it could be a life stage thing, or if not, then what else it could be.

Sheridan is gratefully free of the dinner invitation. Hoping, for Lennier that it isn't so labor intensive or require fasting for two days as he prepares it!

Ah, plague among the Markab. It's "100% terminal and 100% contagious," which is horrible, but it appears to only effect Markab? Recorded history, but also a legend and strange occurence that only happened once, a thousand years before.

I'm impressed they recognized it again so fast!

Bad govt pandemic planning and response for ratings, relevant in 2023. C'mon society.

Indeed, it is to be earnestly hoped that the disease can be studied and stopped, and that it isn't communicable to non-Markab.

Sounds a little like rapid-onset rabies, tbh. Pandemic lockdown and quarantine!

A terrible situation to have to manage. Large scale people management and crisis management is so not my thing.

Sheridan doesn't want to give Delenn permission to go into the isolation zone to help care for the self-isolated Markab, because she'll be at risk and he can't authorize her and Lennier to come out of it again till the crisis has passed.

"Don't look away, Captain. All life is transitory, a dream. We all come together in the same place, at the end of time. If I don't see you again here, I will see you in a little while, in the place where no shadows fall." "Delenn - when I do see you again... call me John?"

awww, it's so sweet.

Garibaldi-special fighting! The fight choreography is good, but Garibaldi fights with such a panache. It's entertaining every time. The Markab who aren't self isolating are having such a hard time. The quarantined ones' lack of privacy and general tension would be miserable, too.

Little history lesson on the black plague. I like how Dr Franklin says so confidently that it was in the 14th century, like it's a universally known measure of time and this Markab doctor would know earth's calendar.

Also sad times to be dying in a lab sealed in with a corpse of a patient you didn't save, and being studied as you die of the disease.

Using the least common sense possible while deciding how to look for a little Markab girl's mother. Lennier and Delenn are so intelligent and make the funniest decisions sometimes, anyway.

Dr Franklin used to hitchhike on starships. That's pretty cool. Dr Franklin has done some cool stuff in general.

The plague has officially jumped species!

It's dangerous business, being old friends with Dr Franklin. Almost everyone he knows that gets introduced in the show, dies. I rather feel like his father is the only person from his past who's been on the show and lived.

Dr Franklin has a breakthrough and a potential treatment! But it appears that the only living people inside the quarantine zone are Delenn and Lennier. That would be horrible! This has got to be as heartbreaking a conclusion of their earlier conversation there could be. I didn't think they were going to fail to discover a treatment in time to save any of the Markab! All known Markab everywhere are dead. Wow, they really did that!

Dang, they went to a dark as fuck place with the conclusion of this one! It was compelling! Another I think of as a little, self-contained horror story. Especially dark for Delenn and Lennier, and Dr Franklin. I hope Dr Franklin has his own therapist or at least some really good coping mechanisms, at least Delenn and Lennier have each other and highly ritualized Minbari life to help them cope.

Really, no one did it like B5. I'm so impressed by the storytelling and how well contained the episodes are while still advancing the overall plot.

"When I do see you again...call me John?"

I'm gonna fuckin cry!

what excellence lies ahead...!

[opqrstuv04]

Get to know you game! Answer the questions and tag 9 people you want to know better.

Tagged by @theloopus AAND @aheathenconceivably HI GUYS! <33

Last song listened to: last song I sought out because I wanted to listen to it was “Good Morning” from the Singin’ in the Rain soundtrack LMAO because I was having a hard time getting my morning started!! Currently listening to Elle me Dit by MIKA writing this :)

Currently reading: Tales Before Tolkien, it’s an anthology of a bunch of short stories that either directly inspired Tolkien or were connected/related to his works. It’s really neat! My favorite story from it so far is Richard Garnett’s “The Demon Pope,” a funny 1880s story about a guy who makes a deal with the Devil to become Pope and then tricks the Devil.

Currently watching: Doctor Who it’s Doctor Who. Always. Currently nearing the end of 11’s time with the Ponds and you guys I am… kind of over it TBH!!!! Like what do you MEAN they stick around for another season?? 11’s grandiose “old god” complex stops being interesting after the 400th time a scene plays out with no consequences for him it was. Much more interesting when 9 was just telling Daleks to kill themselves and 11 was telling Amy he picked her up to have somebody to admire him. I’m ready for 12 :( I’ve also been doing a movie night w my roommate every week!

Currently obsessed with: I’m relistening to The Adventure Zone: Balance and I forgot how much I absolutely loved it. I’m almost done with Balance and it’s really kick started my character design ability back into gear (🙌🏻), umm and otherwise I am obsessed with going to the farmer’s market every Sunday and trying to get this penny plant to propagate. Because of this and other things my friends are obsessed with telling me I am in my “grandma phase.” Also playing a lot of TOTK 👍🏻👍🏻

Tagging people time >:) @dykebeckett @loneliestcactus @cipher-fresh @dovand @leo-undrgrnd @wellsbering @pigeonse @pyreorpyre @cupothi + anyone who wants to!!!! Have fun go wild have a good day

[spacenutspod]

A mentor of research scientist Meloë Kacenelenbogen once shared a sentiment from French author André Gide: “You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Kacenelenbogen pushes beyond her comfort zone to explore the unknown. Name: Meloë S. KacenelenbogenFormal Job Classification: Research scientistOrganization: Climate and Radiation Laboratory, Science Directorate (Code 613) Dr. Meloë S. Kacenelenbogen is a research scientist at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md. She studies the impact of aerosols on air quality and the Earth’s climate.Photo courtesy of Meloë Kacenelenbogen What do you do and what is most interesting about your role here at Goddard? I study the impact of aerosols — suspended particles from, for example, wildfire smoke, desert dust, urban pollution, and volcanic eruptions — on air quality and the Earth’s climate. I use space, air, and ground-based observations, as well as models. Why did you become a scientist? What is your educational background? I never made a deliberate choice to become a scientist. I started with very little confidence as a child and then built up my confidence by achieving things I thought I could not do. I chose the hardest fields to work on along the way. Science looked hard and so did fluid mechanics, remote sensing, and atmospheric physics. I have failed many times, but I always learn something and move on. I do get scared and maybe even paralyzed for a day or two, but I never let fear or failure immobilize me for long. I was born in Maryland, but my family moved to France when I was young, so I am fluent in French. I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in mechanical engineering, and physical methods in remote sensing from the Université Pierre et Marie Curie (Paris VI, Jussieu). In 2008, I got a Ph.D. in atmospheric physics for applying satellite remote sensing to air quality at the Université des Sciences et Technologies de Lille (USTL), France. What are some of your career highlights? After my Ph.D., I worked for the Atmospheric Lidar Group at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County (UMBC), on spaceborne and ground-based lidars. In 2009, I got a NASA Post-doctoral Program (NPP) fellowship at the agency’s Ames Research Center in California’s Silicon Valley, where I worked for 13 years on space-based, aircraft-based, and ground-based atmospheric aerosol vertical distribution and aerosol typing. In 2022, I came to work at the Climate and Radiation Lab at Goddard. What is most interesting about aerosols? Aerosols are very topical because they have a huge impact on the air we breathe and our Earth’s climate. The smaller the aerosol, the deeper it can get into our lungs. Among other sources, aerosols can come from cars, factories, or wildfires. We all know that wildfires are becoming bigger and more frequent. They are expected to happen even more frequently in the future due to climate change. Both when I was living in California and here in Maryland, I have experienced first-hand choking from the wildfire smoke. I will always remember how apocalyptic it felt back in the summer of 2020 in California when wildfire smoke was paired with COVID confinement, and the sky turned Mars-like orange. Please tell us about your involvement with the Atmosphere Observing System (AOS)? I am incredibly lucky to be able to contribute to the next generation of NASA’s satellites. I am working on AOS, which will observe aerosols, clouds, convention, and precipitation in the Earth’s atmosphere. I am part of the team that is helping design several instruments and algorithms. My role is to connect this spaceborne observing system to all our other space, ground, and air-based measurements at the time of launch. We are making a mesh of observations to address the science questions, run the algorithms, and validate the spaceborne measurements. I am constantly pushed to expand my horizon and my own knowledge. Why do you enjoy always challenging yourself intellectually? I started that way. I had no confidence, so I felt that the only way I could build my confidence was to try doing things that scared me. I may sometimes be a little scared, but I am never bored. What did you learn from your mentors? A few years ago, a mentor shared a quote from André Gide with me that encapsulates what we are talking about: “You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” In other words, it is OK, maybe preferable, to be out of my comfort zone to explore the unknown as scary as it may be. Along the way, it has been extremely important for me to deliberately choose mentors. To me, a good mentor has earned the respect of all who have worked with them, is uplifting, reassuring, and gives me the invaluable guidance and support that I need. I deliberately try to surround myself with the right people. I have been very, very fortunate to find incredible people to encourage me. As a mentor, what do you advise? I tell them to deliberately choose their mentors. I also tell them that it is OK to be uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is the nature of our field. To do great things, we often need to be uncomfortable. Why do you enjoy working on a team? I love working on teams, I love to feed off the positive energy of a team whether I lead it or am part of it. In my field, teamwork with a positive energy is incredibly satisfying. Everybody feeds off everybody’s energy, we go further, are stronger, and achieve more. This may not happen often, but when it does it makes it all worth it. What are the happiest moments in your career? I am always happiest when the team publishes a paper and all our efforts, are encapsulated in that one well-wrapped and satisfying peer-reviewed paper that is then accessible to everyone online. Every paper we publish feels, to me, the same as a Ph.D. in terms of the work, pain, energy, and then, finally, satisfaction involved. What do you hope to achieve in your career? I want to have been a major contributor to the mission by the time the AOS satellites launch. What do you do for fun? I do mixed martial arts. I love the ocean, diving, and sailing. I also love going to art galleries, especially to see impressionist paintings to reconnect with my Parisian past. Meloë Kacenelenbogen once shared a sentiment from French author André Gide: “You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”Photo courtesy of Meloë Kacenelenbogen Who is your favorite author? I love Zweig, Kafka, Dostoyevsky, Saint-Exupéry, and Kessel. The latter two wrote a lot about aviators in the early 1900s back in the days when it was new and very dangerous. Those pilots, like Mermoz, were my heroes growing up. Who would you like to thank? I would like to thank my family for being my rock. What are your guiding principles? To paraphrase Dostoevsky, everyone is responsible to all men for all men and for everything. I have a strong sense of purpose, pride, justice, and honor. This is how I try to live my life for better or for worse. By Elizabeth M. JarrellNASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, Greenbelt, Md. Conversations With Goddard is a collection of Q&A profiles highlighting the breadth and depth of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center’s talented and diverse workforce. The Conversations have been published twice a month on average since May 2011. Read past editions on Goddard’s “Our People” webpage. Explore More 6 min read Christine Knudson Uses Earthly Experience to Study Martian Geology Geologist Christine Knudson works with the Curiosity rover to explore Mars — from about 250… Article 6 days ago 9 min read Systems Engineer Noosha Haghani Prepped PACE for Space Article 2 weeks ago 6 min read Astrophysicist Gioia Rau Explores Cosmic ‘Time Machines’ Article 3 weeks ago Share Details Last Updated Oct 22, 2024 EditorMadison OlsonContactRob Garnerrob.garner@nasa.govLocationGoddard Space Flight Center Related TermsPeople of GoddardGoddard Space Flight CenterPeople of NASA

[kahvilahuhut]

🪐 planet alone - wip intro

Feeling the weight of all the responsiblities and anxiety on her shoulders, Dana couldn't help but wonder: how did she get herself into this situation, and why did she think that this sounded much better than sitting at her book nook after a 9 to 5 office job.

Do you like sci-fi adventures? Do you like when the story has some comedy and sprinkles of horror? Do you mayhaps think that there's too many scifi stories about stem scientists? Then come hear about Planet Alone!

An almost-doctor of social sciences, Dana, gets an unexpected job offer: the Planetary Union of Orion-Cygnus Arm is creating a new, diplomacy and interplanetaly relations-focused team in their defence forces, and they are in need of a general to lead it. Still unsure of what they want to be when they grow up, Dana agrees. After all, what can go wrong?

After they were given barely a day to prepare, the Union sends the team to finish the negotiations with a new member candidate planet, and to make sure that the process is fair for both sides. But when the meeting ends abruptly with a boom, the team realizes that they are left alone without trustworthy connections to the Union, and now have to somehow get out alive from the planet.

pov: 3rd person multipov themes: found family, what corruption does to a society, there is no "good" or "bad", the role and rights of robots in society, overcoming uncertainity in both the world and life, trust, why you should be careful when mining highly demanded products status: planning <3

content warnings: death, blood, body horror, violence, something else probably? will add later :)

characters & tag list under cut:

Meet the team:

DANA (she/her or they/them) | Specialist in interplanetary politics with too many hobbies. She accepted the job offer right away due to not knowing what to do after graduation, and seeing the position as a way to help people. Turns out that to do so, she has to get out of her comfort zone and face the part of herself that she swore to leave in the past.

NATHAN (he/him) | Member of the Union's parliament, minister of external relations and a fashion icon / "funny dude" according to many citizens. As a son of one of the High Chancellors, Nathan always feels that he has to do his best, yet still try and distance himself from his father, so people would see him as himself and not simply as someone's son. External relations were his least favorite position, but now that it's his responsibility, he tries to do his best.

FIVE & TWO (both go by he/him) | Along with getting a new team, the Defence Force also got a few robots to work for the team. Five and Two never got along with each other, yet they always loved to do the same things the other does. Being chosen together to aid the general, they realized that they need to work together to make sure that everything is under control, considering how differently the general and the minister work and how leaving them alone may cause chaos. Five is a robot medic and Two is a mechanic, but they both can definitely fight when needed.

Taglist:

@howlingbreeze @artbyeloquent

[wonderpommey]

4x06 ~ Thoughts

Roman fires the only person who didn’t kiss his ass, who doesn’t tell him what he wants to hear. Because she can’t bring herself to save her skin that way; giving him a hug he doesn’t deserve, giving him the intimacy he can’t build, giving him the respect he hasn’t earned. Because there’s still more than corporate bullshit between them (for how much longer??) and she gets punished for it.

No, of course Roman is not like Logan in so many ways and it’s bad for the business but it’s an opportunity as a human: Gerri was dancing on Logan’s grave 15mn after he died... But Roman fires her, because his dad said she was disgusting and bad at her job and she needed to go and "dad knew maybe". And then little brother asks big brother to walk it back for him "he’s only Roman and look at his track record and why is he even in charge?” which Kendall does not do for him. Roman’s only unconscious vengeance becomes doing the same to Kendall: Yeah bro, go on stage with those numbers and that death land cruise idea. If you enable my worst instincts, I can do the same to you.

But then Ken somehow wins and Roman walks away alone and uploads himself onto an eternal life chip with a doctored video from Logan telling him on repeat he has a micro dick and always gets it wrong. Even when his dad cheats death and could validate him, he’s the worst voice in his head. You just cut out your best chance at being your own man with someone who still weirdly expects more from you... For this...

And again with the room symbolism ; Is it a dream to live in a connected house, as an ATN citizen, locked up in a fake segregated compound built on a fault line, where women are dropped in the end zone while the world burns outside? And how desperate he is for someone to tell him it’s ok to be himself, to not want to be on top, to want to be part of a team. Can it be the CE-bros? Can it be Shiv, mocking Ken together? Can it be Gerri, if she had said she believed in him? Why won’t someone hold their hand out to him and fucking bring him back?

Sexuality is very moot now. He wanted and fell in love with Gerri, but he’s not been able to respect her and himself when that happened. He was this close to finally cutting his dad off because of that (and maybe build up to being his own person and “go all the way however sexual that sounds” as J puts it), but he never got the chance and as far as we can see he is getting stuck in a limbo where he believes he has to live as something he’s not. 

There no chance sexuality will be explored in a meaningful way right now… Roman may already be dead inside!

So Roman becomes evil or, as I keep banging on about, he saves a woman! I mean the show is incredibly complex but also incredibly simple. I think my first post about Roman’s sexuality was about rejecting toxic masculinity and here we still are...

[hourglassfish]

Fun and Work

I guess I'm gonna use this blog to think about The Bear a little?

So my investment in this show - is heavy. I am really, really rooting for the team of The Bear to build a workplace that they enjoy working in. Not all day everyday, because working under capitalism is always gonna suck a little bit, service work is real hard. And it doesn't have to be forever, cus the nature of many workplaces is that folks move through it. But a place where people can work, and grow, find joy and pleasure and fun in it, earn enough to live with dignity, and for their work environment to also enshrine that dignity. Basic human right. Rare for most of us in the current working landscape.

Anyway.

I find Sydney and Carmy both hugely relatable - and I laughed for about 10 minutes straight when Carmy said that he'd googled fun in Al-Anon. Cus I've done that:

I did not find an ER doctor girlfriend from my childhood, I got an allotment and a cat and I highly recommend both.

But as I get older I cannot deny the pleasure I get from my work, and the joy I find in the people I work with and the connection I have to them - and one of the real sadnesses I feel when I rewatch season two is that Carmy doesn't just bail on the stuff that sucks - money woes and dead raccoons and competing for staff - he also bails on the really fun stuff (and the really fun people) present in his work.

There is the obviously fun 'lol as if this is our job for the day' stuff - literally travelling around CHICAGO and EATING ALL DAY with Sydney. She doesn't just eat - she roots herself, and The Bear in the city, meets other restaurants, gains their support and encouragement, builds community around herself, builds relationships with suppliers that are warm and friendly, picks up on gossip. All the good - and fun - things that you need, cus even in a competitive industry, you've got to have friends. And this Carm's first restaurant. He'd be meeting folks, not as a CDC, but as a fellow executive chef. He misses those words of encouragement and affirmation, the hugs and the light jibes from people who really get it, cus they've done it - the unknown unknowns that are revealed in the random bits of advice people drop.

There is the nerdy fun - the pops of joy we see when Tina unboxes those shiny new pans, picking the art for your walls, stroking the woodgrain on the table that you picked, figuring out the cheapest way to get the silent plates you're craving when the originals are out of budget, learning what your space looks like first thing in the morning, last thing at night - when it rains, when it snows, when the sun is at its highest. Getting a particular piece of kit that is expensive but worth it.

There is the slightly delirious fun - Tina tries for this, when she gently sings 'nduja' at an extremely in the zone Sydney, who is a bit too stressed to be there with her - but if it's not impacting your health, and you're with the right people? Working till the small hours on something you loved - ordering takeaway and snacks to get you through it, psyching each other up and making shitty jokes which you then look back on and laugh about later - these are some of the delights of being in a team, they're building blocks of intimacy.

Related to that is the delight that comes in getting to know people better - and this is where I am saddest for him, because we've seen enough of Carmy's relationships outside of work to know that Sydney was likely the first person to ask him how he felt about retaining the stars. She's a nerd! She loves it, just like him! What other questions would they have asked each other? What else would they have learnt about one another, and themselves from sharing that process? If it hadn't felt so chaotic and weighted with tension, what would it have looked like to have Tina there also, able to learn from them both? I keep referring to her here, because she is, for me, the heart of the show, the absolute best of The Bear (show and restaurant) and a quiet revelation in the second season. To learn that windows become pasta in Sydney's mind, to have Tina straight talking about whether the things in your head are actually being communicated on the plate, to have Marcus asking these endless questions with this kind of quiet joy that disperses out from him?

There is fun and joy and intimacy to be found at work - especially when you are building something tangible and real that you will own, which so few people get to do. When you get to teach people, nurture them, be a part of their development. Especially if you're kind, and sensitive, and you're paying attention. Especially when all the people you work with are united in their love and grief - and by a gift that the person they are grieving for has given them.

Working has maybe not been fun for Carmy historically, I really, really get that but -

(MAYBE. I don't trust Carmy, currently carrying his trauma and his grief, as a reliable narrator - I think maybe work was fun for him for a while, with an underlying sadness around Mikey and home, then he ended up in the wrong kitchen with the wrong chef and had a really terrible time. I am DESPERATE to get a fuller picture of who Carmy was pre New York but still away from home. The Carmy that got those tattoos and made friends with Thom Browne. Like maybe he was shy, Claire. Maybe he *was* But. BUT. Anyway - )

I feel like this could have been the very early, first steps of a shift in that for him. I feel so sad - to see him and Syd laughing in his kitchen and to think he didn't get to have that (you only build your first restaurant once). He also didn't get to have it again in Episode ten, when the shit hit the fan, and Syd And Rich (wow, how far they have come) pulled the team together with a ticking clock, hella yelling/swearing and a shared commitment to a vision. Was it stressful? For sure, I wanted to bust through the screen and get Syd out of there!!! But was it thrilling? Was it the stuff of a glorious anecdote? Were they all sort of exhilarated and grinning at the end? Was it... kind of fun?

Like... isn't chaos kind of fun when you're with a team? When you're safe, and no one's been stabbed, and no one's screaming? We're pack animals. All we ever really want is each other.

Anyway, I dunno what I'm trying to say here. I've been thinking a lot about how with Carmy - and with many folks working through trauma and various anxiety/panic related stuff, the logic is all or nothing. Balance, working with where you are and what you have, being present to what is there, is real hard!