#(which i hate anyway because its so self important)

[penkura]

Christmas Gift

Summary: You and Zoro exchange your Christmas gifts for each other.

Note: I had to write Zoro of course, and this ended up being a little more self indulgent than I originally planned lol. But I hope you guys enjoy it. :)

Christmas with Zoro has always been your favorite time of year. Of course your birthdays are fun, but the holiday season makes things feel different when you two exchange gifts. He always acts like it’s a pain but the gifts Zoro has given you are always appreciated and more thoughtful than you expect, especially from someone who says it’s annoying to go shopping.

Your favorite thing each year is to see how flustered you can make your boyfriend. Even though you’ve been together for several years, Zoro never expects anything much from you, yet you always outdo yourself and cause him to feel like his gifts aren’t as good.

They always are to you, but Zoro still feels like you do better with the whole gift giving thing.

It's no different this year, when you two meet up once again, though it’s the last year you’ll be doing this as a dating couple since you’ll be getting married next year, as long as everything works out.

The earrings Zoro gives you this year match the three he wears, it’s the first time he’s giving you something like this (ignoring your engagement ring), but you love them all the same. He almost forced you to open your gift first, it was that important to him this year, for the two of you to match like that. You were so excited to see them that you hugged Zoro briefly before running off to the bathroom to put them in with a grin, making him roll his eyes with a smirk before he follows you.

“Figured you’d want a set since you got that third piercing.”

“Of course I did! That’s part of the whole reason I wanted them!”

Once you’ve gotten the earrings on and checked them out, you turn around and hug Zoro again, which he returns.

“You’re the best~ I love you~”

“Yeah, yeah,” he might roll his eyes again, but there’s a real smile there, “Its just some earrings, nothing that special.”

“But they’re special to me since we match now!” you pout while Zoro laughs, before you remember, “Oh!! You need to open your gift, Zoro!”

He tries to stop you when you grab his hand and drag him back to the living room, but doesn’t fight you on it. Zoro let’s you take him back and make him sit on the couch before you drop the gift bag in his lap.

“Now your turn!”

Zoro really does hate the whole gift giving thing, but the excited nervousness you have every time is cute. You’re always hopeful yet anxious that he’ll like the gift you’ve picked out for him, this year is no exception. You keep watching while he pulls the tissue paper out and eventually the gift, giving you a slightly confused look before you start to explain.

“So, you never wear a hat or gloves when it’s cold—”

“I don’t need them.”

“—but,” you let out a sigh but still smile, “I thought maybe a scarf wouldn’t be a problem, so I made you one.”

Really he’s surprised you haven’t made him anything like this until now, though he should’ve expected it by now, especially with how badly cold it’s gotten.

It’s a very simple scarf, he’s not sure about if it’s crochet or knitting since he’s not good at telling the difference, but you found what seems to be the perfect mossy green yarn and included black in it. Nothing fancy or intricate, you were probably worried the whole time you made if he’d even wear it anyway.

You’re still nervous obviously, starting to bite your lip because you think Zoro doesn’t like it, until he finally puts it on, causing you to grin once again when he looks at you.

“Well?”

“Hmm,” there’s no problem with the colors, you made sure of that, but you do adjust the scarf to where it’s wrapped around his neck once, “Now it’s perfect!”

Zoro throws an arm around your shoulders and pulls you against him, kissing your head and making you giggle at him.

“Thank you, I do like it.”

“Good! …will you wear it to my parents’ house tomorrow??”

“Seriously?”

“Please???”

You might have to promise him several things to get him to wear the scarf the next day, but Zoro does agree to it eventually. Giving gifts and having to deal with your parents talking to him all day is still a pain, he’s only willing to deal with that part of the holidays because it’s you.

[loycos]

Just saw your analysis on the CaitVi sex scene. You put it perfectly! I think so many people also went into the show with really strong head canons of who tops/bottoms, which leads to disappointment sometimes when it doesn’t play out accordingly, as if positioning is a static thing anyway (it’s not). But with the dynamic of their relationship , especially in S2, Vi being in control was incredibly important in the sex scene.

Cait was overwhelmed with control through out the entire season and you can see how it exhausted her emotionally. Even with Maddie, she seemed to be entirely in control of their dynamics as well. So of course she feels safe to give up control with Vi, it’s probably also relieving. And the opposite applies to Vi. That dynamic can change in certain situations as well, people can get really divisive about this….like that’s how a majority of healthy relationships work

very well said! i'm actually so proud of myself cause i CALLED it. i knew this was gonna happen, because it was the only thing that made sense. i will admit, i hate using the terms "top\bottom" for it, it feels wrong, also paints this picture of like set in roles which i think aren't common in lesbians relationships. sex is about giving and taking, mutual respect, it's fluid.

So the fandom's VERY COMMON interpretation of caitlyn as this dom mommy rubs me the wrong way, not just cause it implies these strict roles, but also because it feels like a misunderstanding of caitlyn as a character. caitlyn has a complex relationship with power and control in her life, its one of the central themes of her character. who she's meant to be and who she wants to be. vi is her one safe space, where caitlyn feels like she can be herself without worrying about the role she's supposed to play- that of an influential politician, a commander. and i don't see her taking that power and control into specifically her relationship with vi. especially because of who vi is, how much vi had to endure. she was beaten in jail, she suffered so much loss, and in every intimate interaction they have, caitlyn is extremely aware of this. she is always SO careful around vi, the way she touches vi is delicate- she doesn't want to seem forceful, she doesn't feel like shes allowed to take too much. i think she's too self aware, and guilt ridden (and has been SINCE s1) to use power over vi when theyre intimate with each other. and i dont think she ever wanted to.

so to explain why this bothers me so much, as much as to write 10 paragraphs essay on the matter. caitlyn as a character is someone who is incredibly closed off emotionally. she has a really hard time opening up and especially expressing her own emotions and desires. she holds herself back from taking "too much". and she uses her work to cover this up, she safely hides behind the walls of authority. but when u break those walls, she's a very sensitive, soft person. you only get to see that side of her when she's with vi, because that is the one person she feels safe with. caitlyn as a character doesnt want power, she just wants to be seen and appreciated for who she is. so to me it feels like people with that very common headcanon just misinterpret caitlyn as a character. they take that mask she uses to keep herself distant and confuse it for her real face. and that bothers me.

[child-of-helios]

hello. I've a rather stupid question. I've only read the books once, as a kid, and I don't understand why people hate calpyso x leo. whys it so bad? why does everyone seems to hate it on here?

xxx,

eurydice

First of all, this is my first ever ask, I've made it mother :D Secondly, I'd gladly explain! Though please note that it really has been a good while since I've read the books too, so my memory is kinda foggy :] Warnings for: Slight mentions (but not too much) of rape, pedophilia and mental illness (oh boy this is a tough one)

So, I have made a post abt this before, but it was written in a fit of rage so not my proudest moment (but my most popular post, oops). Anyways, I feel that the hate towards Calypso x Leo is because of a few reasons. 1. It simply didn't get enough development to feel worth it imo. Similar to Jason x Piper, I felt like there wasn't enough there to warrant a canon ship. There is also the fact that personally, I thought that their dynamic was more of a familial or that of siblings, which made me uncomfortable. I would've much rather have them be friends. 2. The uncomfortable age gap. It feels very weird because while yes, Calypso was depicted as a teenager, she is thousands upon thousands of years old. The fact that she fell in love with a literal child is incredibly weird. It was weird enough with Percy, but at least they didn't end up dating. With Leo though, she did end up dating him and the age gap feels very odd. Its even weirder knowing she had a relationship with Odysseus, who by that point was a pretty old dude so she was probably very mature and an adult (though she doesn't act like it). 3. Calypso is kinda a rapist. In the Odyssey myth, she forces Odysseus (a married man) to sleep with her. I'm sorry, but I can't support any relationship involving a rapist unless its rapist x prison cell. It makes me uncomfortable because she could very well take advantage of Leo, a mentally ill teenager with self-esteem issues. 4. Her toxic treatment of Leo. Calypso was very pissed when Leo arrived on her island, rightfully so after what she had gone through, but even then her treatment of his was outright cruel, especially compared to that of Percy and Odysseus. She made him sleep outside, exposing him to the elements after he got flung through the air and ended up on her island, which must've caused some damage. Then after they started dating, I still felt uncomfortable reading about the two, because their dynamic just didn't work, and I don't recall her apologizing to him for her treatment of him. 5. Leo's arc was thrown away. I think the worst of all, is how this impacted Leo's character. He should've had an arc where he learnt to love himself, but because of Calypso he didn't. I think the moral was supposed to be: 'even if you're mentally ill or have problems, you still deserve love!' but it came over more as: 'ignore your issues and get all your love from someone else.' Isn't it more important for kids to learn about self-love? And as an extra: what could've been. I think that Leo shouldn't have gone back for Calypso, that that ship shouldn't have happened. I prefer him going back to Echo and them learning about self-love together as buddies (and maybe evolving into more than that). Echo was stuck in an abusive relationship with the Narcissist, so I think it would a good arc for them both. I also think that if you really wanted a romance, Jason x Leo would've been much better. We know that Rick can write good gay romances, we know that Piper turns out to be a lesbian, so why not make Jason and Leo gay? I think it would add much more to the tragedy of Jason's death, but that's for another post (and this one is getting too long already oops). In conclusion, I think Caleo is bad for many reasons, but especially because it didn't have enough time to develop and the dynamic was simply too creepy for me to get invested in. Sorry for the super long post- Have a lovely day :D

[feralferretxp]

I've been meaning to introduce one of my Storybots ocs that I've had for a while but here we go. Let me introduce you to...

Melissa Malware

She's a totally normal storybot who is definitely not a shapeshifting virus who has alterative motives for taking over the computer world! :D

Melissa is inspired by the Melissa and I LOVE YOU computer viruses, influencing both her name and theme of spreading love worldwide. In an alternate universe called the LoveBug AU, she launches a campaign called "Project I LOVE YOU", encouraging StoryBots to express love in various forms, aiming to boost mental well-being and promote world peace. She also advocates for self-care, which leads people to work less and less, eventually creating a job crisis in the computer world.

However, Melissa's true intent is to infect others, causing them to slack off from work, which in turn slows down real-world computers, much like a virus. As her followers idolize her, they unknowingly spread her influence, infecting others with the same behavior.

Melissa's origins lie in a more abstract form sent into the internet by her creator. Her mission was to oversee a planted computer worm and ensure its success without interference, remaining in the shadows. However, her plan was unexpectedly derailed when a young Bang, wandering in the internet department while accompanying his father, mistook the worm for a colorful gummy and ate it.

Enraged and shocked, Melissa's task was ruined, forcing her to shift focus and watch over Bang as he grew up, tracking the effects of the worm on him. Over the years, she observed his growing forgetfulness and other changes (I'll make a future post about this and my theory in more detail) as she remained in the shadows. During this time, Melissa herself evolved. Watching storybots and their society, she became curious about life beyond her virus role. She gradually changed her appearance to resemble a storybot and secretly longed for a life where she wasn’t bound to a pre-programmed destructive endgame.

As she grew fond of the attention and adoration from those who saw her as one of them rather than a virus, Melissa tried to prolong her influence and delay her inevitable mission of ruining the computer world, torn between fulfilling her creator’s purpose and finding belonging among storybot society.

When Bang becomes an adult and the computer worm fully integrates with his programming, Melissa is devastated to discover that the worm is now inseparable from Bang, and removing it would kill it. This ruins her original plan, forcing her to adapt. Instead of separating the worm, she decides to use Bang to spread the infection.

Melissa presents herself as a sweet, humble activist and invites Bang to join her "Project I LOVE YOU," using his recognizable and beloved status in the community to help promote her cause. Behind her friendly demeanor, however, Melissa despises Bang, seeing him as a foolish and undeserving figure who, for some reason, is adored by everyone. Despite her loathing, she plays the role of a supportive ally, manipulating him into unknowingly aiding her true goal, while he remains completely oblivious to her hatred and intentions.

So in a nutshell, Bang has no enemies... except for one which is Melissa because she hates his guts LMAO. But yeah that's the LoveBug AU basically. There's more to it but that's for another time.

One important thing about Melissa is that her and Milo (@supgoddo's oc) are in true real love and are perfect for each other YIPPIEE GRRR I LOVE THEM SM

Anyways that's it for now for Melissa! Just wanted to introduce her character and stuff. Live laugh love Melissa <3

[zan0tix]

I yap so much about the comic and the importance i find in its contents but i hope when i write dirk or jake or rlly any of them it doesnt come off as me dumbing them down😭

I know the core internal mechanisms at which they all operate from otherwise i wouldnt understand why they even do what they do and why they speak how they do since that is so crucial to analysis of their behaviour and Why they were written.

But i mostly write silly scenarios so the deeper messier parts dont get to show much😭 working on deeper things tho rest assured i am locking in🫡🫡🫡

I try to match the tones of how i believe the characters would act continuing off the ending of homestuck. With dirk and jake specifically i try to write them to where they still both kinda dont say everything they need to but they dont have the weight of narrative destiny on their shoulders anymore so they can admit they like spending time together and have actually confessed like normal people and got out those apologies they kept yammering on about in the last half of act 6

I try to reinvoke the ridiculous nature of the one time we really see the real dirk and jake talk (which was actually a dreambubble memory. jake is so gay.) but i try to make it feel how that did, they really do love spending time together and just being weird and cringe and bantering about stupid shit ❤️(the most we see dirk type laugh in the comic)

(Always Highly recommend reading this log if you havent in a while. Its just such good writing theyre so funny) https://www.homestuck.com/story/4844

I feel like the Best Bros part of dirkjake kinda gets lost alot of the time considering THEY NEVER SPEAK DIRECTLY (which is insane that hussie could craft this universe bending gender norm shattering yaoi with no fucking interactions wtf anyway) but there is alot you can gleam from jakes interactions with hal and this one log to tell us how they usually speak

Dirk always veers into making homoerotic comments because.. i dunno he might have feelings for jake or something whos to say. and when jake presses him dirk immediately diverts. I think from being around dave and everything daves realised thats bullshit about masculine standards and heroism that let him have a healthier relationship to masculinity, hearing abt that would loosen dirk up about Actually being affectionate to jake

But hes still somehow trying to no homo his way out of things that are incredibly homo just in a subtler way, not immediately going “Haha, what? I never said that. Anyway.” (Its both out of his fear for what his true identity means about him as a man but also because he doesnt think he deserves to get such affections cough thinks himself an evil)

And jake was always going with the flow. If his friends socially decreed something as okay to talk about then the fucking damn burst open and he couldnt keep it in anymore but they had to Very Clearly Clarify with him about it. So i think dirk going down a more positive road would lead jake there too seeing that if its okay for dirk to be less restrictive with his feelings jake can be too.

The Epilogues has a highly specific premise and was being manned by caliborn and calliope 2.0 cranked to the max in the deranged fanfic behaviour so. Of course it would not be a healthy environment for characters to grow💀 anyone who takes it as full confirmation about how theyd act or become as adults and ignores the fact of its premise Being “Homestuck but Sick and Twisted; The Fanfiction” is kind of stupid its like saying homosuck was in character. Ofc everybodys lives goes to shit because the two running the show dont know how the hell to be good puppeteers 😭

Said it on twitter but you can tell how much a dirk hates himself based on his relationship to a jake. Because tho ult dirk wouldnt ever admit it jake is dirks anchor of self worth just as dirk is jakes. When they show compassion and kindness to one another its a step closer to self acceptance because Jake is quite frankly a living embodiment of EVERYTHING that is “wrong” (queer, cringe, sincere, feminine) about Dirk to himself in his saviour complex surrounding manhood. (See Everything caliborn says about jake) jakes always waiting for dirk. If dirk were to step down and admit his own humanity itd mean hed have to accept he is capable of growing and isnt inherently evil, and jake would be ready to embrace that about himself too

Anyway all that to say. Even in my simple silly writing i at least do try to retain dirk and jakes strange emotional dodging olympics but also its just on a smaller level since theyve inching their way to fully internalising that Its Okay to be Cringe and Gay Together❤️ because the World isnt Ending anymore. Its in the little things they dont say because haha im the one who makes them say words.

Dirk and jake hate themselves because theyre not men in the right way but their love is because of them not being men in the right way so.. nerm.. Whos flying the plane?

[berryz-writes]

To Have And To Hold...Till Death Do Us Part

Azriel x reader

Summary: Azriel has spent decades centuries on trying to find his mate. A mate is supposed to be that one constant person in you're life. But as we all know Azriel was damned to an unlucky fate

Note: FIRST TIME WRITING ANGST be nice<3. also yes i will be reverting to fluff again. its my little cosy corner :)

The dry, bland taste of the oats coated Azriel's tongue and he fought to swallow it down. A fight similar to his will to get out of bed every morning. Also similar to the fight of carrying on each day.

Mindlessly stirring his food which had now gotten cold he thought about what he would do for Star fall next week. Maybe he would get drunk so he wouldn't remember the night. Or maybe he would go up to the balcony to get the "best view" but in fact sulk in a corner because he didn't have a special someone to share the night with.

Pulling himself back to reality and berating himself for being ungrateful and forgetting about how much his family had done for him, Azriel watched one of his shadows depart and slowly move across the table until it had reached the open French doors. He tried calling it back but to no avail. Taking a deep breath Azriel continued eating, his shadows were always up to something. Maybe it was bringing back important information. Like maybe who his mate was.

His heart became heavy again at the thought. Still no mate. Azriel had seen so many things, lived through so much and sometimes he thought he deserved a mate. Sometimes when he wasn't so absorbed in self hate he thought to himself maybe he did deserve a mate like Rhys had Feyre or Cassian had Nesta. The thought left him as soon as it had appeared. He shook his head, he didn't deserve a mate. He would ruin her. He wasn't good enough. No where near good enough.

Scoffing at himself for even going down the path of thinking he out of all people could have a mate, he carried on eating his oats, finishing them in record time to get to training with the Valkyries and the priestesses.

***

"Isn't that your shadow?" Nesta asked pointing toward a lone shadow which was making it's way back in to the house, moving across the training ring floor and the edges of the walls before it disappeared completely. She was laying down on the mat, sweat dripping down her face. It had been an intense training session, Nesta having started to channel her anger into physical exercise resulted in Azriel having to hold the punching pads tighter than usual. He was happy for her. Glad she was better now and getting used to her fae body.

"It is" Azriel replied, his confusion increasing slightly. They were acting extremely strange. And the one that had left this morning still hadn't come back. Not to mention the shadows still with him were dancing around as if they were waiting for something. He shrugged it off. It was probably a new bakery or some drama from Velaris they had picked up on. Nosy pricks.

Nesta's silver eyes held concern, "Are you okay?" She bit her lip there was something like recognition in her eyes, as if she once held the same vacant stare that he did. "Are they usually like this?" Nesta questioned again, sitting up and trying to read his expression. He shook his head, flipping his water flask upside down to realise it was empty "They'll come back eventually"

She stood up and brushed her clothes down "You could get it checked. I heard Madja's working late today"

Azriel tried not to get angry. It wasn't as if she would know how it was basically impossible for any healer to ever help him.

"We'll see" He replied instead, already brushing the idea away. All he'd get was an afternoon wasted and a whole lot of poking at his back and wings. It wasn't that big of a deal. Well...that's what he hoped.

***

Flipping the dagger in his hand he began to sharpen the other side, making sure it was as sharp as possible so it would make a clean cut. He didn't need more blood on his hands. Well more than usual anyway. Looking to his right he saw Cassian stretching out his wings and yawning "I'm off to bed. Don't stay up past your bedtime" He grinned. Azriel shook his head a smile on his face even though the joke wasn't funny.

"I won't" Azriel lied. Cassian looked at him for longer than usual as if trying to figure something out. Of course he didn't. Azriel's secrets were too well hidden.

"I'm here if you ever need to talk" Cassian said resting a hand on his shoulder. Azriel gave him a rare smile and patted his hand "I know brother"

Leaving him to sit peacefully on the roof Azriel looked up at the sky. Automatically his eyes searched for the one star constellation he loved. Lyra it's name was. His mother had pointed it out to him when he was young. Said it was one of the constellations that would never leave him. Sometimes it felt like this constellation was the only stable thing in his life. Something that would never leave him and so far it was living up to it's reputation.

***

All fucking night his shadows had been restless, moving about and not letting him get one minute of sleep. Yes he ran on 4 hours of sleep perfectly fine but his shadows didn't even let him close his eyes for one minute without being irritating. Not to mention his shadows from previously hadn't come back. What the fuck was their problem?

Finally giving up he went down to the kitchen, drank a glass of water and stomped upstairs on to the balcony. His shadows were still making incessant noises and moving around too much for this early in the morning. Azriel walked over to the edge of the roof, standing on the edge and freefell down down down.

The air hit him at the perfect angle and gods did he wish he could keep falling. If he hadn't opened his wings at the right time he would have died but who really cared? It was just him after all.

He flew over Velaris, the sun barely visible resulting in a still and quieter city at this time. Not to mention it was Saturday, most of the fae probably nursing their hangovers right now. He veered left toward the Sidra, going past Feyre's bright and cosy artists corner, following his shadow at a leisurely pace as it stopped in front of what seemed to be a row of houses. They were bright and colourful, pale pinks and bright blue's, pleasing to look at. Settling on the roof of a house opposite them he watched the sun rise, his shadows finally calm. It felt like his heart was calm too.

A few minutes of sitting led to one of the rooftop doors opening and......and Azriel couldn't describe what and who stepped out.

She was a goddess.

She was the fulfilment of his dreams.

She was the most ethereal fae he had seen.

She was...gods words couldn't describe her never ending beauty. Moving toward her flowers towards the right of the roof she began to water them, her soft brown hair falling forward and covering her face slightly. His heart hurt. He didn't know why.

He could stare at her for an eternity. Her green eyes sparkled in the sunlight, her pink lips looked like they could say the sweetest words. Like they could soothe any pain he had from one whisper of her sweet voice. He swallowed.

He wanted to talk to her. Enjoy her company. Make her smile. Make her laugh. Watch as her eyes brightened because of him.

He could change. For her he could, he thought to himself as she stood up from watering the roses and looked at the sun rise too.

Her cheeks held a slight blush, hair dishevelled as though she had just gotten out of bed. Azriel was cataloguing each and every thing about her, storing it into his memory to cherish.

Clenching his fists and readying himself, memorising what he would say to this oh so gorgeous female he extended his wings.

Softly landing behind her, he felt like his tongue was twisted. Her hair fell in waves down her back, her arms wrapped around herself.

Taking a deep breath he cleared his throat. She whipped round and it felt like time stopped.

Her hand rested on her chest and her eyes were wide with surprise. Beautiful. That was all that went through his mind as he drank her in, looking at each and every perfect feature.

"Who are you?" His heart felt like it would burst from happiness. Her voice was music to his ears. She had straightened up slightly, her shocked expression gone as she patiently waited for Azriel to speak. He didn't want to. What if he messed it up?

"Azriel. Sorry I....I didn't mean to invade your privacy I-" He cleared his throat cursing under his breath for his stupid twisted tongue. Her lips turned up in a small smile as if she was encouraging him, waiting for him to finish. Like she actually cared for what he had to say.

"I just saw you watching the sunset- not that I was watching you...I meant I just saw you here-" A small laugh escaped her as she watched him struggle. He knew one thing. It was that his heart was no longer his. It was hers. His soul belonged to her. His broken and bloody soul was hers however much it had gone through.

Falling in love was impossible he used to think but looking at her now, he thought it possible.

He was so busy in trying to memorise her face he didn't realise his shadows from earlier swirling around her wrists and waist as if they had found their home.

"It's alright. Lets watch the sunset together, the view's gorgeous from here" Her soft voice beckoned him closer and as she turned back around her arm knocked one of the vases. She turned around trying to grab it and in that split second, she fell.

Over the roof and down to where Azriel couldn't see her.

His heart raced as he ran to the edge and jumped down onto the concrete floor, using his wings to slow his descent.

He had heard the sickening thud when she had fallen but he refused to believe it.

He watched as her lifeless body lay there.

Still.

The life in her completely gone. Silence rang in his ears, his throat closed up, he wanted to rip out his heart. Why?

Why?

Why?

Why was all he could think about it as he looked at her broken form. Blood pooled from her head, a puddle of deep red gathering around her hair. His shadows swarming around her, frantically trying to do something.

Maybe if he weren't so useless. Maybe if he had any dignity or shame he wouldn't have stared on and could have helped her. It felt like his voice was lost.

He looked at her dead eyes and when he did it snapped. The golden thread sparkling between the two of them, connecting them, before dying out again. The moment of completeness vanished in a split second.

Mate.

She was his mate.

He let out a tortured scream, his own voice ringing in his ears. His legs weakened as he dropped to the ground next to her, his energy depleted.

Tears slipped down his face and for the first time he didn't wipe them away. Didn't berate himself for crying because this....this was a tragedy everyone should have cried over. But instead it was only him watching her once smiling face lay face down on the concrete.

Why was it him? He hadn't even gotten to see her smile properly because of him. Hadn't been able to hear her speak completely. Hadn't heard the sweet words she was sure to voice if he ever got the chance to get to know her. 

His eyes wouldn't leave her body as he choked out sobs, eyes blurry and wanting to look away from her limp body at the same time. His....His mate.

The word left him feeling empty. All he wanted was right in front of him except she was gone. She was dead and it was because of him.

His hands shook, his control slipping away as time passed, slowly reaching for her. He gently touched her hair ever so softly as if maybe she were sleeping and she would wake up. Slowly moving it to the side, he could finally see her beautiful beautiful face. A face which had been removed of all colour and life.

A strangled sound escaped him as he looked on unable to tear his eyes away. His heart fractured into so many pieces he didn't know what he'd do anymore. How could he live without her? Life wasn't worth living without her.

His mate.

Tears made his vision blurry as he tried to memorise her perfect features. She was a poem he would never be able to memorise. She was the dream he was always so far from reaching. She was his except she wasn't. Not anymore. Because she was gone.

He wished he could take her place. Wished he had died after seeing his mate. He would have died happy. Finally would know what true happiness was before dying.

Any alternate way of living his heart didn't know how to. Without her in his life he couldn't search for any reason for continuing on.

Gods he didn't even know her name. At the thought of this his lips pressed together trying to stop the heart wrenching scream he wanted to release. He didn't even know her damn name.

His mate.

His mate who was lying dead in front of him. Looking down at his hands he saw they were shaking, so was his body. He didn't deserve to live. This perfect female in front of him wasn't able to live her life so why should he, a broken and unlovable torturer?

The glint of his dagger beckoned to him. It would be oh so easy to end things now. Stab himself through the heart and lay down, lifeless just like his mate. At least they would die together. Taking out his dagger he looked at. Really looked at it.

The fates had known.

This was why he had sharpened his dagger. For this exact reason.

If his mate didn't deserve to live neither did he. He lifted the dagger, tears streaming down his face, his heart broken in too many places to fix, no one left for him in this world. Looking at his mates face for the last time he pushed the dagger straight into his heart.

Fitting ending he supposed. After all the killing he had done, he had ended his own life. Blood seeped from the stab wound but he didn't care. He tried to touch her face one last time, extending his hand,  but he couldn't. Because he had collapsed onto the cold floor next to her, unable to touch her for the first and last time.

He was damned. His fate was unlucky.

He was a bastard who didn't deserve anything.

Without even realising his shadows had left him too.

"LYRA" A heart wrenching scream echoed in his ears as the blood emptied out his body. That was his mate's name.

Lyra

If he were still alive he would have smiled and cried at the irony of it all but he wasn't. His eyes now stared straight up as his heart no longer pumped blood.

A fae walking past would see it as a tragedy but it was more than that. It was a man who would never get a happily ever after no matter how much he wished for it. It would be a story passed down to generations. A story with no happy ending.

***

If only Azriel had known that he was in fact loved. That he did have people that held him close to their heart

If only he had known.

Rhys who was waiting in his meeting room for their debrief.

Cassian who had set up a game of chess for him and Azriel to play.

Nesta who thought up new techniques for fighting that she would show him the next morning.

Feyre who was painting his portrait in her art studio.

Nyx who was waiting for his favourite uncle to come home so they could fly together.

Little did they know Azriel would never come home again.

....first and last time writing angst :) if u can even call it that

MASTERLIST

[nights-at-crystarium]

DUMPS A MASSIVE STACK OF NOTES IN FRONT OF YOU OKAY SO- No I didn't just wait and hope for someone to ask about them, why'd you think that- I'll omit the details of how they grow close and what pushes them apart, but lemme dive into the broader chemistry. A fair warning for Fragments-spoilers if you wanna experience the comic's story as it unfolds.

Vivi needs An Adult, someone who'd stand up to his unruly character, ground him in reality, protect him. Raha perfectly fills this role, but so does Emet, merely with a different flavor. Vivi needs someone who experiences isolation and dehumanization on his level: being the wol is a lonely experience. He looks for an equal. He's okay with Emet's condescending attitude, his self-esteem doesn't want for coddling, and he can talk back anytime.

The Soulmate Magnet trope's fun, but on its own it's not enough for these two. Well, it obviously is for Emet, who seizes the chance to nibble on some crumbs that are left of Azem, what's dignity in face of all-consuming desperation. Vivi, however, his whole thing is showing middle finger to his destiny, the further it goes, the more allergic he gets to the "ooooohh it was meant to be this way~" bs that gets thrown at him ever so often. Emet's careful with the order and amount of information he discloses to Vivi, like expertly boiling a frog. Manipulation or not, they mutually benefit from this relationship. Emet gets his partner back, even if it's Not Him, half of Him feels pretty damn familiar, and Vivi gets a clear escape route from his destiny. Exchanging meaningful looks and knowing chuckles with you because we can tell that he embraces his overarching, ancient destiny this way, but shhhhhh, let him enjoy his hubris.

Out of the two, it's Emet who's a sad fool making a mistake that'd cost him everything. Of course this relationship has an impact on Vivi, but at least it doesn't kill him, eh- *gets kicked*

More under the cut /o/

Emet knows that he might be sabotaging himself, but he won't stop. He's infinitely more vulnerable to the Soulmate Magnet out of the two. He acknowledges that this could easily fail, that he might have to kill Vivi, but my Emet's killed so many not-azems anyway. He trades the potential pain of tomorrow for the small illusion of comfort today. As time goes on, he dares hoping again, hoping that this time might be different, goes all in with his cards, and, well, *waves vaguely* you'll see how that goes eventually.

The line between wolgraha and wolemet in Fragments is thinner than one may expect, the divergence where Vivi fully sides with Emet hinges on one human impulse. They already feel comfy enough, but Emet still hesitates to bare too much of his heart. They simply need more time together, which they can't have in canon because everyone expects Vivi to keep killing Lightwardens. The moment Vivi sees Emet's genuine smile and realizes that he wants to save him, to make him smile again and again, is when he trades entire world(s) for that. The catastrophic divergence isn't some epic scene, but a quiet click in his head. This decision still doesn't come easy, but Vivi would do it once he's sufficiently invested in Emet. The world owes him so much anyway. Time to take back what's been taken from him.

One important difference between Vivi and his Azem: what they'd do in a trolley problem. Vivi would literally burn worlds for one person dear to him, Azem would do (and actually did) the opposite, he didn't support the Zodiark plan AND left his lovers (Emet and Hyth) because he saw himself belonging to the people as a whole. This's becoming a tangent but Vivi absolutely hates his Azem when he finds out what - who - that infamous betrayal was really about.

But yeah Vivi takes Emet's side once he learns enough about him, he generally finds his company easy and pleasant. Another difference between Vivi and Azem: Vivi's incredibly nonjudgmental, embrace your cringe kinda guy. It takes time (which, again, they don't have in canon) for Emet to stop expecting to get teased at every turn, but even in the canon timeline he grows fond of Vivi, Vivi himself, not Azem, because Vivi's kind to him in a subtle, emotionally intelligent way that Azem's never been, he's casual and easygoing and dismissive, Emet's "tsun" just has no reason to activate. He expects betrayal, and it just. Never happens. (ofc it does in canon, but again, the line between canon and divergence is super thin).

Emet doesn't awaken Azem's memories in Vivi for several reasons. Vivi doesn't remember how they were back in the ancient past, but Emet does, he knows how to hold Vivi, who doesn't need much tbh, just company, just being quiet together. He acts disproportionately tired to the 3 years he's spent being the wol, and Emet, conveniently, just wants to chill with him. Funnily, Raha's regained excitement to be alive ends up being too much for Vivi sometimes, but I'm straying off the topic.

I treat their world as a real world that has literature, fiction, tropes, and Vivi tends to dream of being seduced by a villain. He thinks "enemies to lovers" is hot. He's cringe and he doesn't care. Surely this isn't the main force that drives them together, but it's worth mentioning for giggles.

Perhaps the most deliciously fucked up thing about villain!Vivi is how normal and human he'd remain, and drag Emet back up with him. He has no interest in the unsundered world, but he'd join the labor to make Emet happy. (I think I hit Vivi's chaotic neutral alignment on the head here). As long as Emet's in charge, as long as Vivi has no real pressure of responsibility, as long as he's merely a weapon (ironically, yeah), an instrument in master's hand, he doesn't mind. This pic should make more sense now.

Vivi finds someone who can save him from his destiny, break free from Hydaelyn, he never has to make another decision again if he's with Emet. His manic search for agency loops on itself, but hey, he DOES choose this, so arguably, this's more agency than he has as the wol. Even this early in the comic we can see that he simply wants to vibe, to be left alone. Just for that, Emet's actually better than Raha, if we dismiss the morals and destruction of worlds and all such nonsense.

When Emet's inevitably gone at the end of 5.0, it doesn't spell the end of their story. He lingers in the form of Vivi's obsession, questions that Vivi didn't get to ask him, agony of the Soulmate Magnet that Vivi's now aware of, Raha's bittersweet memories of him. He haunts this story forever. And ofc I'm writing an au on the side where he gets to live. It's not as enticing from the storytelling perspective because it's just "duh Emet lives and gets to be happy", but damn it heals my soul to indulge in that.

[gor3sigil]

About being a freak, queer, trans etc.

In all the years I've spent going back and forth with my gender, being sure one day and unsure the next about how I wanted to present, if I wanted to be more fem or masc, if I wanted to be neither of them, there's one thing that I never wished: I never wished to be born cis.

There's something so magical in being trans. To me it's like a never ending childlike wonder of myself and others. I see my body as a white canvas I can do anything with and as a playground for me to explore and find secrets at every turn. It's shedding so many times that I had hundreds of silhouettes and I'm not even 30. It's seeing the most deepest and honest smiles when you hang out with your peers, and they're fully themselves and you are fully yourself even if it's just for one moment.

Being trans is being more naked than ever. My understanding of my own flesh at its core like I'm dissecting it once a year is so whole and complete. Noticing the patterns, the intricate map of my skin, how it grows and stretch with every change even well before HRT as I was practicing new poses and expressions and clothes.

I don't see myself as a flower, I see myself as a whole garden, with bees and critters everywhere, bursting with life in the warmth of the sun under a sky as blue as the cleanest seas.

Regarding the way others see me, mind you, I always was, and I mean ALWAYS, all my life, seen as a freak.

Try to picture this, even tnough you maybe can because this is the story of a whole bunch of us: growing up as a goth, queer and undiagnosed autistic girl, in a little shitty town, the last child of a family of disabled and neurodivergent folks that everyone saw as a family of, well, freaks. The teachers at school knew your brother who was bullied, and your sister who always caused troubles. They don’t know which of these paths you’re going to take but they sure as hell don’t like you. And the only other queer kids you know are a couple of girls who’d chugg down vodka before class in middle school because they were not accepted at home and bullied during recess.

My first queer relationship, also in middle school, was the typical “I loved her to the moon and back but she only wanted to experiment” and it tore down my soul. It took me years to recover from this. I think that, apart from my longest relationship to date, I never put that much of myself into someone I loved. But she was just goofing around and I mean, fair, we were kids, but man did it hurt. I resented her for years after. Now I just hope she’s happy and doing the job she always dreamed of doing.

Anyways, all that to say that I was used to being seen as an outcast. I hated that for years and tried and tried again and again to fit in. It doesn’t work. Because this in not the answer. Remember when I said that my family members were always all disabled ? My father espacially was physically disabled (and probably also autistic but undiagnosed), and he’s still to this day one of the most ableist person I’ve ever met. He knew his kids weren’t “normal”. He fought tooth and nails for us to fit in. Because that’s how he survived. But despite it all, it never worked. Because you can’t force your way into society’s standards.

I never felt more free than when I just gave up trying to. If I was going to be seen as weird anyways, might as well go all the way. Dress as I please, date who I wanted (another story for another time but it didn’t go as planned), enjoy the shit I enjoyed, unapologetically. And guess what ? It stopped the bullying. Because I gained confidence in myself and most of all, pride. I grew proud of being an outcast, so much so that people just started to be like “well, they’re like that anyways” and left me the fuck alone.

I’m rambling lmao but I think it’s important to be aware that nobody will live your life for you. Being your weird self, it’s so hard, butn so rewarding. More rewarding than anything. You’ll start making new relationships based on you TRUE self, you’ll go all the way for your passions, and trust me, you’ll be more free than anyone who bent themselves to fit in the mold and still need to painfully stretch their limbs everyday to keep the act on.

I know that sometimes it’s something you have to do to survive, and that’s perfectly okay. But don’t forget to keep your true self close and to let them out from time to time, okay ? Water down your inner garden. That’s the only way you will truly live.

[puffyducks]

DCRC Week #24 (Part 1)

Today we're reading PKNA #20: Mekkano AKA Gorthan reads a single line of Shakespeare and has a full Steven Universe moment. Peace and love on the planet Earth and all that.

GUYS LOOK IT'S GORTHAN!!! Remember? From Trauma? I told you guys to remember so if you didn't this one's on you.

Anyways he's about to crash and die a fiery death.

Bro is fighting for his life NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE QUOTING THE LITTLE PRINCE!!!!

Oh ok nvm he's self aware

Once again we bear witness to the fact that Donald is so fucking teeny tiny. All it takes is one big fuckig fist to grip his entire head. Manlet.

Idk why this part made me laugh so hard but literally all it took was for him to bitch slap the gun out of PK's hands and it's like Oh. Well shit.

Scolds Uno and Gorthan for saying hi to each other then IMMEDIATELY makes a corny joke that's infinitely more disrespectful than anything they were doing

I found this random technological doohickey that fell from the sky and idk what it does but now I can use it to power my giant scary machine, THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!!!!!

Ooooooh somebody's jealous of the indomitable human spirit oooooh 🫵

BRO HAD MEASLES????

Makes a robot that absorbs things into its body and then gets mad when it. starts absorbing things.

"I hate you as much as you hate me" y'know I'm getting distinct flashbacks to a certain OTHER villain who claims to "hate" PK but still regularly works alongside him and exchanges casual banter... a certain somebody who likes to raid things........

Damn that's deep.... idk how fast the Evronians end wars though you guys are doing a pretty shit job at invading Earth

Oh NOW you think it's bad??? You just watched it rampage through like half the city 😭

YOU GUYS CAN DROP THE "MY ENEMY" THING YOU CLEARLY LIKE EACH OTHER

Wait LOVE??? Ok jumped pretty quick there let me just revise my last sentence - YOU GUYS CAN DROP THE "MY ENEMY" THING YOU CLEARLY LOVE EACH OTHER

It's right behind me isn't it

Ok now that Gorthan got fucking owned and absorbed into a giant metal horror creature IT'S TIME FOR BURTON LA VALLE ohh yeah baby

Uuuuh there's not a lot to say here it's just Burton La Valle beefing with a dog. If this DOG doesn't stop ruining my shots I'm sending his ass to the GLUE FACTORY!!!

Anyways, with the bonus comic out of the way let me just say: I love this story. Insanely lukewarm take, I know, but the conflict between PK and Gorthan here is just SOOOO interesting man. The constant back and forth between whether or not they're enemies, because sure, they SHOULD loathe each other given the circumstances. They constantly reiterate through dialogue that they HATE each other, and yet, through the story we see that both parties hesitate to take any definitive action against the other. PK does a pretty good job of reiterating it himself here:

There's something so interesting about the way in which Gorthan falls in love with humanity through our literature. Every part of his instinctual self tells him to hate us, and yet he just can't. Perhaps it's self-important of us as humans to assume that anything we do could be so moving, but idk. I think it's beautiful to fall in love with humanity through our ability and drive to create. The Evronians don't have the luxury of feeling and creating, they're pretty automatic beings that just kinda exist to follow orders and conquer stuff. It's a pretty fuckin dismal existence, thankfully most of them aren't really conscious enough to think about it critically. I mean Gorthan was but he got immediately kicked out so...

Anyways idk what I'm really trying to say here other than good story, Gorthan is a good character, I WISH we got to see more of him after this but we don't really. Go read The Little Prince.

[lavaablast]

My headcanons pt1 (because i self project on everything)

(my opinion remember this is all silly fun) (also i change my mind contantly so expect me to edit this post constantly)

Kai Smith:

the band aid on his eyebrow is there because he has an eyebrow piercing, and he wants to protect it from getting ripped in battle (also doesnt want a scolding from Wu hehe)

self harms but instead of c///ing he burns because well, obvious reasons (less likely to be found out too)

orthorexic, is obsessed with being in peak physical form

hear me out on this one, i know he eats junkfood (so do orthorexics okay every 3d is diferent) anyway he never does it alone. he eats junkood only with other people, and he's always thinking he'll "make up for it" later. so yes he eats junkfood and yes he is orthorexic (felt like i had to defend my point there dsfsd)

body dysmorphia. knows he looks good but doesnt know what he looks like

"if i gave up on being pretty, i wouldn't know how to be alive" or wtv mitski said

has an extensive skincare routine but if anyone asks him he'll just say he "washes his face with cold water"

anger issues, but like he can explode on the ninja too and then he immediately regrets it but its too late which leaves him with... ->

guilt. ALL THE TIME. its in the back of his head wherever he goes

sun aries, moon sagittarius. i wont back down on this (im a sun aries and moon sag)

claims he "doesnt care" but actually cares so much it hurts (especially about Nya/Lloyd he'd do anything for them you hear me ANYTHING)

has strong morals and ideals but will give them up in a second when needed for survival of himself or the ninja (people often see this as a bad thing but he just wants everyone to live no matter the cost)

ironically, can't handle spicy food and is ALWAYS made fun of it by the others

is reckless and takes stupid risks because he does not care for his body whatsoever (the others think he doesnt know whats at stake, he does, but doesnt care when it's just his own saftey he's risking)

lowkey a perfectionist, but has a different idea of perfect than others so they wouldnt know (aka he needs things/himself/stuff he makes to be perfect, but not perfect objectively, perfect to what he thinks is right)

loves his parents because they tried their best, but still resents them. he hates that he does, but he does

cried all of his tears out ONCE after Nyas "death" and didnt cry at all after that, instead taking so much on his plate that he didnt get a single chance to think about it again (it'd be too painul, this was easier) which lead to....->

his grief being put on hold; and only when Nya already was back did it come out and he had no idea why he was feeling this way so he didnt tell anyone (what would he have said, im in agony for no reason at all?) and it was HELL to do it alone

tied to the above; he couldn't ask for help if his life depended on it (literally)

loves too hard

hates too hard

BPD coded (i dont wanna diagnose him but,,, im justsayinnn *whistles while walking away suspiciously*)

trust issues, but lowk all the ninja have them because like,,, just look at what they have to deal w bro

commitment issues because freedom is the most important thing in the world (after Nya/Lloyd) so settling down or commiting to one thing too long feels like threatining his freedom

actually smart (both emotinally and intelligently) but doesnt use his brains capabilities that much

great memory but also shit memory (remembers a whole row of numbers for no reason but forgets he has to pick up lloyd from the arcade..)

hot. thats all i rest my case

loves himself but hates himself

everything and nothing at the same time, everything about him contradicts himself, but also doesnt, but also does

hes a really simple person, really. but also the most complex one youll ever meet.

hates labels, especially being labeled by others (for the reasons above)

likes men but hates labels so,, no labels (not even the label "unlabeled")

infact he has a deep hatred for the label 'unlabeled' because if something is unlabeled, then why are you LABELING IT

red. everything is red redredred RED he loves red

has sibling bracelets with nya and lloyd (kai has green & dark blue, lloyd red & dark blue, nya red and green)

everything has to be red except the things that are black and orange. i rest my case once again

drinks just a bit too much for it to be considered concerning (started at 14)

will yell and scream at anyone who tries to help him (why do they think he needs help? why are they babying him? why cant the see he is capable?)

wouldnt let nya touch a bottle until she was 18 (be thankful nya its for the best)

paints his nails black or red.

has a strand of hair dyed red all the time

perfect teeth even tho he often forgets to brush them (how? fuck do i know)

would be a hyena i he was an animal

hates smartphones so he has a.. push-button phone?? whatever they're called. and he also only has the nokia brand. wont change it for a thing

"hates technology" but couldnt live without video games

loves to try new things but will have a breakdown if he HAS to try new things

stubborn asf, wont ever do anything he doesnt want to, which...->

makes people think he's selfish, but actually he's quite the opposite

selfless in an unconventional way, i'll make a drawing explaining it

please understand what i mean with that chart because it explains it so well in my brain

thats it for now cfdsfdr

[physalian]

On Punishing your Characters with SA

***Trigger warning for discussion of SA in fiction***

Because I am still recovering from the bizarre alternate reality I fell into where “SA is hot and if you were a survivor you’d think so too” is at all an acceptable and defensible stance to take, I want to talk about punishing your characters, and the means through which we go about it.

This post is NOT condemning stories that go “we know this is awful, you’re here because it’s awful, we’re all gonna have a good time with it anyway”. Or, your usual Dead Dove.

This is instead critiquing stories (and their authors) who either think:

SA is kinky

SA is just a run of the mill thing that happens in adult fiction, especially fantasy, it’s par for the course

If you’re a fan of either or both and plan to attempt to justify them, you have been warned, turn back now. My tolerance for harassment about this is at an all-time low.

Disclaimer:

I am not hating on BDSM or a character whose kink is feeling helpless and controlled. BDSM is, after all, consensual, and there’s mutual respect involved. Nor am I hating on a character who is attempting to self-medicate in a harmful way and they and the narrative know it.

Keywords being: Consent, mutual respect, and self-awareness

Which is completely lost in stories that either romanticize SA or toss it in there for shits and giggles and cheap drama.

—

In fantasy in particular, rampant SA is kind of ridiculous and getting worse. It may be for “mature audiences” but often the stuff written for kids and families has more “mature storytelling” in that it can show you horrible things without being gratuitously r*pey. Characters suffer other hardships and get the same point across.

And SA is one on the list of many things in fiction that usually isn’t written with the grim reality of a realistic aftermath. Things like broken bones that heal with supernatural speed, head injuries with cherry-picked symptoms, and grief and mourning.

We don’t want to derail the whole narrative to focus on the nitty gritty recovery period of a one-time event that moves characters from A to B. That’s just how fiction works. They absolutely deserve to be written better with proper awareness and understanding, they’re just not what this post is about.

But SA is different, because it’s often treated like this horrible threat, this scandalous thing…while then not being written with the respect and tact it deserves, written like a character merely got tortured, interchangeable with any other kind of suffering but with ~titillating undertones~.

Because, odds are, the average person won’t ever know what it’s like to be tortured, or suffer debilitating injuries from an accident, or have to live with the long-term disabilities of a major head trauma or coma. But far too many of us do know SA intimately, and the flippant way it’s tossed around in fiction will never sit right with me, especially when it’s romanticized and glorified.

So in short, I’d like authors who toss it on like a garnish to pause and think: Are you prepared to write the consequences of the situations you throw your characters into? If not, then write something else.

There is of course many levels to including SA in fiction, and its importance in the story should be proportional to the effect it has on a character’s arc and how much time is spent discussing with it and dealing with it, as with any element of backstory.

Having it be a distant memory in a side character’s backstory as just A Thing that happened to them years ago should demand, bare minimum, a cracking of that character’s worldview. Otherwise, why is it here? What purpose does it serve other than to be tragic, and why is it SA over straight-up torture or any other tragedy?

If it’s just another incident and this character grew up with or is surrounded by those who take advantage of them (first of all, writer beware, that is a daunting story to tackle) the trauma of this individual event might be insignificant to them in the grand scheme of things, but it should still matter to them and how they see themselves and how they interact with those around them. Otherwise, why is it here? What purpose does it serve other than to be tragic, and why is it SA over straight-up torture or any other tragedy?

And if you’re setting up a character’s first encounter with SA, however horrific it is, or it’s this encounter with this character that makes it unique, and it’s going to be a big moment for them and the story, it had better fucking matter to them once it’s over. Otherwise, why is it here? What purpose does it serve other than to be tragic, and why is it SA over straight-up torture or any other tragedy?

It's a whole different world if this is a Stockholm syndrome story, where it is very, very clear that this relationship is fucked-up, but the character has no idea and they themselves romanticize and glorify their abuser—in those stories, it is understood that they’re an unreliable narrator and that their thoughts on what’s happening do not align with the author’s. (Most of the time. People unironically and uncritically love and want to have relationships like Harley Quinn and the Joker, without having any experience on what it’s actually like, but most of the time the comic writer tries to make it clear that she’s a victim. Most of the time).

—

I have two characters in two different WIPs who suffer this, more than once. A handles it a lot better than B. More time has passed and the perpetrator for A was a clear cut villain, while B's was someone they trusted. Neither spends every waking moment defining themselves by their abuser, but the impact of what happened to them shows up in multifaceted ways.

A is self-conscious about their body, as it still bears marks from that encounter. Some intimate things they used to enjoy or would have enjoyed are now off-limits. Certain conversation topics are triggering. And because everybody knows, they have a permanent reputation they can never escape, hanging over them even when nobody mentions it. They have mostly healed emotionally and have healthy romantic relationships, but it’s not something they’re ever going to forget.

B blames themselves and any chance at physical intimacy is now lost to them, though they were already asexual to begin with. They’ve told no one and anyone who would guess or might know, they’ve lied to, to protect their abuser. The SA happened among other hellish circumstances, when they have nightmares, it’s all tangled up together. But they’re also quiet and kind and thoughtful and you’d never know unless you knew.

Did I have to give SA as a backstory to both characters? No. I didn’t have to, I chose to, understanding the responsibility involved, and for these two characters and how it impacts them, SA can’t be exchanged for any other violence. It’s SA, specifically, that hurt them so badly.

People react to and adapt from and heal from SA in different ways and not everyone all the time suffers daily reminders of it—those two characters don’t—but even something as simple as having that survivor always keeping their door locked, or always having their back to the wall of a room so no one can sneak up behind them, or wearing more layers than necessary, or if they are a little bit shy or skittish or skeptical, at least shows that you, as the author, tried?

You didn’t just write it in a vacuum? You acknowledged that SA is its own kind of horror?

And lastly: If you’re using SA as a way to punish your characters’ choices, whether it’s the narrative punishing them for being painfully naïve and stubborn, the villain who “deserves it”, or a symbolic death of innocence, just please be prepared for pushback from your audience if your message is: There are situations where SA is the victim’s fault and deserved.

You don’t have to spend pages and pages distracting from the plot, but if you’re going to have your character assaulted, you owe it to them to let them hurt and heal.

Otherwise, why is it here?

[derww]

ok ive decided that i also want to have it here. written right after s5 zam ban

Name: Everything that will remain after me

TLDR: Mapicc and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

CW: Violence, murder, suicidal ideations, self-harm, canonical character death

Zam betrays Mapicc; it's a second time.

He freezes at the place, hearing the blood-curdling rumble of the ban. He knows who it is with his guts. For the first time in his life, he is fucking terrified.

How dare he, It's tearing him inside out. How dare he leave him alone. Leave his back exposed and one comm – empty. How dare he.

BETRAYAL BETRAYAL BETRAYAL

He wants to revive Zam just to crush his skull and then kill himself, twist the knife in his own stomach, and on and on until there is no blood left in him to flow out. Every cell in his body is irritated. He turns inside out and tears apart; his skin melts alive; his world exists at one tiny point, around which there is an all-consuming void.

He hardly remembers what he does next, but his blood is boiling and his hand is clutching a sword. It seems that he kills someone, with the full realization that this is forever; he skins someone's alive and does not even remember who. He wakes up in the middle of nowhere, bloodied from head to toe. Some of the blood is his own: torn, extended wounds from a fight that he does not remember, as if the only thing that prevented him from being split apart were reflexes.

How dare he leave me, he thinks. How dare he give up. How dare he die. How dare he, how dare he, how dare he.

He is so hot that he is suffocating. He's so cold that he can't stop shivering. He wants little more now than to light two beacons of rebirth – to pull ten hearts out of his chest and dissolve them in the wind. He knows it's useless. He knows it won't work. Helplessness eats him alive. He wants to kill someone else. He wants to stick a knife in his leg and lead it forward until it stops hurting.

When Mapicc was betrayed last time, he felt sad. He didn't want to fight, and he didn't want to lose his friend and partner. Most of all, he was sorry – it was a pity that they did not talk more, it was a pity that they did not establish real trust, it was a pity that Zam did not talk to him first, and that he did not think that something was wrong. He fought not because he wanted to, but because he had to, because he had no choice, and then mourned their dead friendship, knowing that he would never be able to return it to its former state. Anger and rage came after.

"If we're going to continue working together," he told Zam when the Pirates started working with Guccigang, "you have to swear that you will never betray me again. I'm serious." Because his "I" did not rest on just hating, and he never liked to be reduced to that.

"Don't worry," Zam replied with a smile, "I won't betray you anymore. I've learned my lesson." For a single, unified moment, they were back in the snow-covered castle. Mapicc nodded. He knew he would never be able to trust him the way he trusted him then – unconditionally, absolutely – but that didn't mean he couldn't trust him with his back and his life.

In reality, his hands are shaking so much that, for a moment, he doubts whether he will ever be able to hold a weapon again, and it terrifies him. He is complex and simple, he reads people through and through, but misses the betrayal of the nearest one, he is smart and strategic, but at really important moments only a berserker who wants more deaths. He wants to cry, but he can't. He wants to give up, but that word is not in his vocabulary.

You whisper to MinuteTech: where is his body.

MinuteTech whispers to you: the podium

He is preparing a battle kit. He is preparing to die. He's going anyway.

There are people on spawn, and he appears to them, smeared in blood, carrying a trail of corpses in the shadow, with crazy eyes and still fingers. Guilty and innocent, dangerous and harmless, they don't bother him – in tunnel vision, he goes to the podium, and then just stares.

Zam looks peaceful. He is bloody from head to toe, and holes in his clothes mark the places of severe wounds, but he is smiling, and his whole body is covered with sakura flowers. It's a disgusting sight. He seems happy.

It seems that someone is trying to talk to Mapicc, but he does not hear a word. He carefully takes the body off the podium into his arms and just looks at it for a long moment, completely not understanding how they got to this point. Just a couple of hours ago, Zam had thirty hearts, and Mapicc was sure that he didn't have to worry about him. Now, he was dead. Mapicc opens his wings and takes off. No one follows him.

Ultimatum: You don't trust a Lifesteal member who is not your ally with absolutely anything. Immediately after the disaster, Mapicc and Zam took Bacon's body and buried it in the middle of nowhere, because the idea of using it against them was much worse than not being able to let him rest in his home. Mapicc flies there again, remembering the coordinates by heart.

He buries Zam very close to Bacon, almost shoulder to shoulder, and then stares at the graves for a long time. Both of his closest allies were banned on the same day. Those with whom he dreamed of meeting the finale, which he desired more than anything else, are now almost unattainable.

You whisper to Roshambogames: if i die, bury me next to them.

Roshambogames whispers to you: of course.

He tears his hand into a bloody mess with his bare fingers. The hatred in him is a beast, eager to tear apart everything in its path.

"Wemmbu better resurrect you both next Saturday," he hisses, "or I'll crush the skies to kill him."

He leaves without looking back, walking along a path that uncomfortably reminds him of something from the past. An hour later, he obtains immortality.

[valyrfia]

We talk a lot about weird shippers behavior and all that fandom etiquette and all that, which is right. But not enough about the people that get borderline violent towards lestappen. Because why are people on twitter lowkey having a meltdown over that meme video. Saying stuff like "omg he's so done with that already 😭" like yeah of course, it's an overused meme. But like it's not that deep, I'm sure he just, sighs and moves on?? And people get lowkey weird about it like "He's tired, he's angry 😡". Idk. Or the typical "lestappies are so delusional, they don't even talk to each other" like okay?? what's the problem then? If it's SO delusional, why don't you just, ignore it? But anyways, some people that are so fervently against it are kinda weird too. Because, me for example don't see why people would like Landoscar so much, it's one of the most rancid ships for me, yet I would never be so loud about it because what do I care??. Idk. Also you should see the quotes in some post that could be just a picture of them two, is like people get triggered or something (???

Twitter for me generally is something to avoid because it’s so ill-suited to fandom. Stuff that’s considered more controversial is always going to get more interactions because of the algorithm so people tend to cry about RPF being “morally wrong” and then use ships to interaction bait anyway. Don’t get me wrong RPF is definitely a grey area but tumblr in general has always been slightly more adult about it because it’s its own self-contained ecosystem. None of you know my real name or my face and we’re going to keep it that way. None of you know my follower count and we’re going to keep it that way. None of this is done for interactions it’s all done because we LIKE being here and know this is a safe space for something that yeah, is a little weird, but the self-containment means that the chance of us doing any sort of harm is practically zero.

I saw a tweet the other day being like “omg im so scared to have 16 and 33 in my bio because I just like them I don’t want people thinking I want them to fuck nasty because that’s gross” and I’m just—I would be willing to bet an extraordinary amount of money that person reads RPF. I would be willing to bet similar for a huge amount of people leaving lestappen “hate”. It comes from some misplaced sense of justice to “police” RPF and it being more important for an individual to be seen to be “morally correct” than protecting a community who really, isn’t harming anyone and just trying to keep to ourselves. I’m definitely not walking around in my everyday life telling everybody about how I think Max and Charles are #truesoulmates, in fact I have friends who are very chronically offline who I often chat about F1 with and I would never DREAM of telling them about this blog or expressing anything I say here because I know the only time and place for that remains either with my friends I’ve met through here or on here.

TLDR: Twitter is filled with people who need to be seen as morally right and for some reason have decided that Lestappen is their current crusade of choice, despite the fact all that really does is increase visibility of the ship to people who may be involved. I would just try your best to ignore it.

[lesbians4armand]

oooookay i need to talk iwtv finale again so spoilers below

i was going through all five stages of grief last night i cant lie. i do like the episode i think it was really really well done and incredibly well performed and a brilliant setup for an already confirmed third season.

the part i got upset about was the revelation that lestat saved louis, not armand, that felt very destructive and out of character at first but the more i think on it the more it makes sense.

I do believe armand loved louis, i think he fell in love with him in paris and has been trying to cling to that since, however i think during that time he saw it as unrequited- louis not loving him back, refusing to accept that they were companions, still being hung up about lestat.

One of the most important things about armand is how deeply lonely he is and how afraid he is of that loneliness. I think he knew that when presented with this choice by the coven, it was to stay with them, let louis die in the trial and have security and companionship even if he hated himself for it and was miserable, or to save louis and have only him, who he viewed as not even loving him back anyway, despite all his attempts. it was 13 or 1, with no guarantee and even very little likelihood that that 1 would stay.

It wasn’t until madeleine tells armand that she can tell louis loves him that he realised that he was wrong, but it was too late. he had a chance for a genuine love and relationship with louis, but he couldn’t bear the risk of losing him that he completely sabotaged it anyway before it could truly begin.

Then lestat, the trial, claudia’s death. If he had saved louis, louis still would have loved lestat more, never be satisfied, and be forever changed by the loss of claudia which he would forever blame armand for not stopping it. which is what we see in dubai (and san francisco) when louis does believe armand saved him.

But then lestat saves louis, again proving to armand that it would forever be them who love each other, he can never have either.

With louis in the crypts and not dead, it was either let him die then, which by that point was meaningless as the coven already thought he saved louis, and he had lost his security and relationship with them, again facing loneliness he couldn’t bear, or save him now and take credit for it, letting louis kill the coven and go on to be with him even because of a lie, because otherwise he would have nothing else, no one else.

Armand cannot be alone, he doesn’t know how to be, he needs to serve someone somehow, its his only way of knowing love and staying alive, even if it becomes controlling, manipulative and abusive. he doesn’t know or remember anything more than those behaviours.

All in all, armand loved louis, the love was never fully reciprocated, armand couldn’t bear this and the threat of losing everything to it, agreed to kill louis alongside claudia, but when the plan backfired and lestat saved him, he could only lie and say he did instead to prevent himself for being entirely alone. even if louis would never truly love him back and would always want lestat, his true saviour.

it’s horrible and tragic and heartbreaking and a cycle of broken ideas of love and abuse. and unfortunately very in character, despite what i said yesterday. it is very in character for armand to have an all or nothing approach. and its a learned behaviour.

(not to mention armand actually did give up his entire coven for lestat a century prior which did leave him entirely alone when lestat did not want him, he was not going to do that again, even if it meant self sabotage and losing someone he loved)

[cosmerelists]

Does Brandon Sanderson...hate cats?

I mean...probably not. But I aim to start this conspiracy theory anyway, because I have noticed some disturbing trends about cats in the Cosmere...

1. Dogs are way more prominent

I started thinking about this originally because I was like, "Okay. So there are plenty of dogs, but...where are the cats?" We have TenSoon in Mistborn, whose dog body is very important to his character arc and which gave rise to Soonie Pups which, granted, are adorable. Cats do exist on Scadrial (see #3 below), but that somehow makes their complete lack of actual narrative time all the more glaring. On Roshar, home of crab-everything, we got the crab-dogs (axehounds) but strangely...no crab-cats, even though crab-cats would be adorable and also pinchy. I feel confident in saying that on a cats vs. dogs scale, Sanderson is definitely likes to include dogs more than he does cats.

2. The cats in Tress were VILLAINS

Honestly, I can only think of one book with prominent cats--Tress, where there was the ship cat and also the Sorceress's cat (those were two different cats, right?), whose main job was to torment poor little Huck. The impression I got was that Crow--ship villain--got the cat in order to kill Huck, and the Sorceress's cat was ALSO there to kill Huck. What kind of representation is it, Sanderson, if all of your cat characters are villains??

3. This WoB

While researching the very important question of "Where are all of the cats," I came upon this Reddit thread. And there I found a Word of Brandon that is...telling:

Questioner Are there cats anywhere in the cosmere? Brandon Sanderson Yes there are cats in the cosmere. There are lions in Mistborn, and have been mentioned numerous times, so you can assume, extrapolation, that there are also cats in the worlds somewhere. 

Cats somewhere? Cats SOMEWHERE?! Sanderson, you are world-building mcgee, and the best you can say is that cats probably exist because lions do?! The disrespect.

4. The one cat quote

Also in that Reddit thread, someone actually found one place in Mistborn that cats are mentioned! It's Elend fondly telling Vin how weird she is--like some mix of a noblewoman, street urchin, and cat. So the ONE time we have cats on the CANON CAT WORLD, and it's about how weird Vin is.

5. Oh wait. I found more cat quotes. Worse and worse!

More terribly damning evidence can be found in this 17th Shard thread. Robardin collected many cat quotes from Mistborn, Elantris, and The Emperor's Soul. Let's take a gander, shall we?

Shadows of Self: Unrest is shown by kids throwing rocks at cats.

Shadows of Self: Wax frightens a cat by taking off suddenly.

Bands of Mourning: Wayne thinks about how cats can be albino sometimes

Elantris: Hrathen is compared to a deadly cat torturing its prey

Emperor's Soul: Shai is compared to a cat who knocked over a vase

So aside from ONE relatively mundane thought that Wayne has, ALL the other cat quotes are about cats being hurt, frightened, or mean.

Sanderson, come on!

6. Lions are minks!

There is also a quote in that same Reddit thread about Adolin seeing a carving of a lion and being like, "Huh. Weird mink." I mean, that's kind of cute I guess. But also...I feel like it says something that the mighty lion, king of the felines, is assumed to be just some kind of weird mink. Your anti-cat prejudice is showing, Sanderson!

7. Lightsong doesn't have a cat

But the most damning evidence of all that Sanderson hates cats is this. Lightsong somehow does NOT have an overly pampered white, fluffy, Persian cat who sits with him, eats expensive caviar food directly from a golden spoon, and torments Scoot. How does such a cold reality even come into existence?

I can only think of one answer--and it's a tragic one.

I think Sanderson just doesn't like cats, guys.

[rontra]

drop your ffxiv lore

asking me to drop my pants in public would be less embarrassing..... you have to understand crucially that i don't know anything about anything and dont want The Knowers to see me

LMAO well i can talk about it a little but only on One Condition. as i mentioned before im a Certified Stormblood Gamer . in fact according to the wiki i am about this deep (level 64 questing atm)

so basically the condition is this: if something wasn't explicit in ARR or HW you cannot under any circumstances talk to me about it...! if you have any sort of reaction to this post that has to do with any later material than that i ask you Don't say it to me. if you are in doubt about whether something "counts", the safe answer is yes it does, and just going "neat!" instead & moving on will do fine. i really don't want to play spoiler chicken with you and don't want to know anything i don't already know. i'm enjoying taking my time with the game, so please refrain from correcting or corroborating anything i have to say about it atm!!!!!!! i'm still baby! thank you....!!! 😭👍

anyway my xiv characters are 1 a dude who was born in a wet cardboard box all alone and might be scared of women . & 2 a scary woman who did definitely kill her wife but is also the most Wife Guy for like secret reasons. the second one's lore is being ironed out as we speak so its all subject to change but the concept is there

1. ZT

love this guy. i even made an amv about it when i finished arr

(every xiv player voice) my wol is the most special boy in the world.

i actually had a whole thing typed up here about like his fucked up mom and whatever but i got shy and deleted it. i might go over it if someone's actually interested . but basically he's a poor little meow meow who, up until the beginning of the game, was abused pretty consistently bc of [evil cat people family dynamic reasons]. his family members mostly hate his ass and were rarely all that nice to him, so he has a lot of issues with self-worth and things like that--he doesn't feel like he's particularly good at anything or really "worth" much

he's from southern ilsabard which is a place i uh do not know much about. as a stormblood gamer. but it's fine the details don't really matter (walking away quickly)

his most prized childhood possession was the ruined scraps of an old arcanist's tome, and through sheer tenacity he managed to teach himself his first rudimentary spell from the incomplete paragraphs therein. he mostly chalks that feat up to the fruit of Time + Boredom and not talent or love, but those pages were the only thing he took with him when it finally came time for him to follow his older brothers' footsteps and leave the family.

gets on the boat. goes to limsa. enlists in the arcanists guild to cultivate what he sees as the One Single Skill He Has. people in the guild ???praise him??? and encourage him?? to keep at it??? which he is not at ALL used to, but it motivates him to work even harder at his training. he's pretty far from home and deeply unsure of himself, but he absolutely does not want to go back to the limited world he knew until now. so that unwillingness to look back sort of inherently keeps him trucking in search of a new purpose to latch on to

he's very sensitive to people being niceys to him, because he's not used to it at all. he's 4x weak to it and might cry if it's coming from an older woman who is even vaguely maternal, due to his horrific mommy issues. also, he wants to be useful to people ("for once"), so he has a hard time saying no to all the million quests and sidequests in the game. perfect

his inability to say no to people who request his help puts him on the Old Nymian Scholar Investigation Mission of course. i am Scholar Guy for a reason and that reason is ZT. this dude never had anything his family valued, and lived as the expendable runt of the litter his whole life, and now is suddenly entrusted with something important for the first time in his life--something bigger and older than him, a way of life, a legacy to uphold and carry forwards into the future

and that mantle is pretty heavy. but he'll carry it! and that's how he becomes a healer boy who will defend any random tonberry with his life. he feels very strongly about the extinct art of the scholars and also about being a healer in general--boy finally found his calling! also he has the echo and is our funny warrior of light but like that's fine. i'm sure the "not being able to say no to people, no matter how tired/hurt/etc he himself is" thing is not catching up any time soon. i did play DRK up to 60 though and lmao. well. hang in there. i even made an amv ab

there's some more stuff about him like how his path through eorzea and as a healer specifically is in lockstep with death at every turn and also how he's a blue mage on the side and whatever but this is long enough. here's a pic of him with one of my favorite "no one else gives a shit about this character" npcs

he's a pretty kitty and very sweet altho he does need to learn to assert himself (and starts doing so through the course of the game). he's very attached to his friends. he doesn't have any love interest or w/e for now he's figuring his own stuff out. gaining confidence. classic stuff. easy protagonist recipe. my meow meow. i played pvp just to get him a haircut. the things i do for zt

2. KRALJICA

the new baby. kraljica is not her original name, but she's never going to use her original one again. her surname is Radinasch, which used to be Aradina, before she killed her own queen who may or may not have been also her wife (ofc by hrothgar convention she then changed her surname to represent the loss of her queen) (despite being the killer) (it's a memento :) )

she is a bozjan hrothgar so we're back to ilsabard shenanigans (which remains kind of problematic for a stormblood gamer, but It's Fine). she actually knows ZT's mother, but not in a good way. Radina's group was in local political tension with ZT's mom's group, so there's some history there (notably in that kraljica would recognize ZT as "zahsa's runt" (derogatory) and not be very nice to him about it, but they don't really share a Personal history beyond the Faction Squabbles)

back to the point though, kraljica killed her queen, and most of the other followers of said queen were not very happy about that. killing the queen is like really high up on the list of things hrothgar do not want you to do. so she is branded queenkiller and exiled. some of the other hrothgar choose to follow kraljica out (having faith in her leadership for various reasons), making her their new queen as they venture to eorzea together (and all of their surnames become akraljica to match).

kraljica takes the surge of enmity against her as a natural consequence of what she did, and doesn't correct anybody who identifies her as a queenkiller in her journeys. she basically does not care about her shattered reputation or having to leave her home, because she is on, a secret, Other Scheme.

what they don't know of course is that radina asked her to do it. for scheme reasons. #women

kraljica is acting in accordance with radina's will. not even her own loyal followers know what her plan is, but they can clearly tell she has conviction; even when being hated by her people and ousted from her home, kraljica moves with that same inexhaustible willpower

(maybe she has questions, when she's alone, and wonders how much radina kept from her in the final days. and maybe she misses and mourns her. but all of that is only for her, in private, when no one can see... in front of the others, she's unflinching, and a leader they will follow no matter what...!!!)

she doesn't seem to have the echo and isnt a warrior of light. ZT can do that stuff. she's like busy with her own thing. she's running around collecting suspicious amounts of aether and being suspiciously driven and faithful to her cause. suspiciously

ok fine it's because radina asked her to cut her loose from mortality, venerate that, and bring her back as a primal. because she wants to become a war god strong enough to take revenge on the empire. something that will keep coming back, no matter how many times it's destroyed, as long as her chosen can still call for her....<3 that's so romantic

of course, what returns will not be radina-the-person. it will be an image of her will, shaped by kraljica's mind and the bloodpool of radina's aether. radina is dead for good; what kraljica is summoning is a representation of radina's goals and dreams, fueled by pure belief and a lot of aether. That Which Resembles Wife But Is Not will cast one megaflare for every minute of suffering inflicted upon bozja. (speaking to the empire thru a megaphone) this is your final warning

their summoning is pretty unorthodox and and "partial" (the primal does not manifest a corporeal form at this time, but it is certainly present in its vessel to some extent)--the game already allows a few different quirky summonings, so we're just playing calvinball and making up Another Special Case (this time owing to the specific setup and execution of radina's plan, her and kraljica's synchronicity about the whole thing, kraljica's unique position in her life, and some sprinkles of Rule Of Cool to taste) . imo the game is flexible enough about it that putting in Just One More Weird Summon Strat is not gonna break anything (LMAO) so it's fine <3

all you have to do is write in a side character who goes "but! that's not possible..." while the thing is happening in front of them

anyway suffice to say no one is doing it like radina's weird ass, and she couldn't do it without her wife guy who is willing to do whatever she wants. suffice to also say that kraljica's own aether is noticeably Weird and over-aspected by her beloved primal, and that "radina" (that which resembles wife but is not) Could Be lowkey tempering her right now and nobody would even notice it because her goal and the primal's goal are already one and the same. but that's probably fine. radina would never do that to her <3......

unless of course there are things about her even kraljica never understood. but surely that wouldn't happen

its really hard for other people to get a grip on kraljica because she won't let anybody close to her emotionally and she definitely won't spill the beans on radina's secret scheme. her boys are with her no matter what (#hrothgang) (they also picked up a viera whose city name now includes "akraljica" hahaha). other people are just like um that is a shady lady who is casting spells we dont even know how to classify. scary. also she's got a situationship with a nasty bandit milf (my friend's hrothgal<3) so we better just leave her alone. bad vibes all around

radina was a gunbreaker. kraljica is very good at manipulating aether and a strong fighter too, but i havent rly settled on a canon class for her. because her actual "canon class" is like. "a summoner from a hypothetical Other FF game. not even a specific other FF game, just Very Much Not This One" LMAO

she would just be like ah its um secret ancient arts from my homeland . you wouldnt know her. shes from a different continent. not like how they do it in limsa. not at all. goodbye (walks away mid conversation) and the arcanists could not stop her. like

anyway i'm not used to playing a female char so i keep getting distracted by her breasting boobily around. they dont let ZT jiggle like that so how was i to know... and basically, so-called free thinkers when dalmascan draped top 👇

she almost had a different face marking way back in the benchmark character creation era, but looking at it now it looks so weird without her big X . like who is that

(metian vest so important for the shoulder bulk... not gonna lie)

anyway kraljica would hear about the final aeon from ff10 and be like that's fucking right.