#(probably because I said 'I am so sad')
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lost-in-fandoms · 2 months ago
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Thought i would be done but...yeah didn't happen. Part one here.
Living with Max is easy.
He doesn't whine when Daniel is taking care of his leg, he doesn't mind sleeping on some blankets on the floor, next to the fireplace, he offers to help around, and best of all he doesn't ask questions.
Well, not exactly. He asks so many questions. Once he gets over his initial bout of shyness and quiet, he asks questions about Daniel's vegetables, about his horse, about the woods, about the traps, about the animals. He offers his own opinions too, telling Daniel he's growing peas in too much shade and that he's cooking his meat for too long. And, much to Daniel's annoyance, he is often right too.
But he doesn't ask questions about Daniel. He doesn't know if it is because Max doesn't care or because he doesn't want to be asked questions back, but he appreciates being spared the trouble of telling him to mind his own business.
They also work surprisingly well together. Max is older than he initially seemed, dirt, hunger and exhaustion making him look younger, and he seems to know a little bit of everything. Even if he doesn't ask, Daniel is a little curious about what path in life brought him to have such a wide mix of knowledge. He seems to know how to move around the woods without scaring the prey, how to skin and cook animals, how to take care of the vegetables (better than Daniel), how to keep himself and the house clean.
It's nice to have a second pair of hands around, even if the pair of hands should sit down more often to let their leg heal. Not that Max ever listened to that.
And he's funny. Daniel hadn't realised how much he missed just sitting around the table after dinner, talking and laughing with someone else. How good it was to wake up and find the fire already stoked and the water pitch already filled. To have someone to say good morning to who would say it back.
Daniel hadn't been thinking of himself as lonely before, he was content with his choice of life, but he can admit that he likes this. He is glad Max decided to stay and he's glad Max seems to be having a good time too, at least from what Daniel could tell.
This is why, when about three weeks after Max's arrival he wakes up in the middle of the night to the sounds of him moving around the house, his first thought isn't Max is leaving, but something is wrong.
"Are you okay?" he asks, voice scratchy with sleep and way too loud in the quiet of the night.
He watches Max flinch, dropping something, before turning around to face Daniel.
"Go back to sleep," he whispers, too shaky to be a good order. There's something different in his voice, and it only takes Daniel's tired brain a few moments to realise that he had heard those notes before, in the woods about three weeks ago. Fear.
Daniel sits up, eyes finally adjusting to the silver darkness of the room, moonlight streaming through the open windows.
"What's wrong?" he asks again, voice lower, matching Max's whisper.
He listens to the sounds coming from outside, thinking that maybe the men Max was running from have come back, but he can't hear anything unusual in the late summer night.
Max is grabbing what he dropped on the floor, stuffing it into a bag that he must have taken from Daniel's things, but the moment, Daniel doesn't even care about the fact that he's very obviously stealing from him.
"Max, what is happening?" He's getting frustrated now, hates not knowing what is going on, worry and irritation growing together.
He stands up, taking a couple of steps towards Max, wanting to see him better, but he stops when Max flinches back.
"I need to leave," he finally says, voice raspy. It's not an explanation, and Daniel suddenly regrets never asking any questions.
"Why? Where?"
He doesn't want Max to leave. The knowledge of that settles like armor on his chest, safe but heavy. Living with Max isn't just easy, it's good. He doesn't want to go back to an empty house, not after the past weeks have been so nice.
"I...I need..." Max shudders, as if in pain, and Daniel's legs ache with the need of walking closer.
"Did something happen?" Did I do something wrong?
Max shakes his head, jerky and sharp. When he exhales, Daniel can hear him bite back a whine.
He doesn't want to scare Max, but he is confused, and he is worried, and he is not going to let him go without an explanation.
He steps between Max and the door.
"You owe me an explanation," he says, hating the way it makes Max stiffen, unwilling to take it back anyway.
"I don't owe you..." Max snaps, before interrupting himself with half a growl. "You haven't told me anything either!"
"That's different. I'm not running away in the middle of the night."
Max takes a step forward, back tense, and Daniel instinctively braces himself, eyes flying towards the table, where his knife always is, but Max doesn't attack him.
He shivers again, hands clenching around the bag and then letting it fall on the ground with a thump, shoulders slumping as all the fight seems to leave him.
"Please, Daniel, I need to leave. It's...it's not safe."
Max looks up, finally meeting Daniel's eyes, and he's suddenly reminded of what the man had said, so many days ago.
He's dangerous. Cursed.
Max's eyes look weird, blue brighter than ever, almost glowing in the moonlight. His face is twisted in pain and there's the glimmer of sweat gathering at his hairline. None of that would worry Daniel, but there's something...different in him. Something other.
Cursed.
The room seems too bright now. The moon is almost full tonight.
Cursed.
Max had said he hadn't killed anyone, but if this is what Daniel is thinking of...
Max closes his eyes, whole body shivering again, his edges almost blurring with it. Or maybe it's not just a trick of the light. Daniel doesn't know what to think anymore.
He doesn't want Max to go. He doesn't want this to happen.
He steps away from the door.
For a moment, they both stand still, looking at each other.
For a moment, Daniel hopes he'll wake up and it will be morning, and Max will be coming in with the last tomatoes from the garden.
Then Max whines, something low and pained, something animal, and bolts.
Daniel doesn't stop him.
He watches as his shadow changes even before he's fully reached the trees.
Then he sits on the doorstep and waits for the sunrise.
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 1 year ago
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MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 2 - Psyche Skills
Part 1 - Part 3
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#disco elysium#MDZS disco elysium au#jiang cheng#jiang yanli#yu ziyuan#While it's more in vogue to draw a character's skill roster tailored to them -#One of the more subtle details I love in DE is how some of the skill portraits parallel character portraits of people hbd associates with.#Theres somethine rather poetic to be said about how other people shape out thoughts and sometimes act as a 'voice' in our head.#How we are in part a collection of impressions other people left behind on us.#I am a huge Skillhead (Those are my friends! My party members! They love me! They have their own agendas and alliances!)#so of course a healthy portion of this AU is dedicated to them <3#the Int skills go basically unchanged from DE. Psy as well (with changes to a few quirks in voice).#Fys skills though...well...wwx is in a different body! Those voices belong to Someone Else.#Esp electrochem (MXY in this AU also partied to near death. WWX is withdrawing and craving substances he's never even heard of before)#While I personally don't fully subscribe to Volition Jean I *do* see Volition Jiang Cheng. The voice of your Not Brother keeping you afloat#All three of these parallels make me unbelievably sad. They are also both purple. Art is like that sometimes.#Empathy Jiang Yanli...oh man do I have a lot of thoughts about her. Disco fans Who Know....you can probably see what I'm cooking.#Authority is a really interesting skill in DE because *yes* its about power and intimidation - but it's also about finesse and respect#Titus Hardie and YZY both abuse *and* finesse how they establish their authority - in a way that leaves quite an impression.#2 more mdzs disco posts that I *need* to create and then I'm off to working on raffles <3
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naamahdarling · 2 months ago
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#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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sashthesloth · 16 days ago
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Finished veilguard, I finally will go on the tag as a treat because those last 4 hours put me through so much....
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ra-vio · 1 year ago
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im supposed to be studying
#resident evil#resident evil 4#ada wong#I ACCIDENTALLY MADE THIS CANVAS SO SMALL SO I HAD TO RESIZE AND NOW ITS BLURRY AHHHHHHHH#its fine but ITS NOT FINE IT BOTHERS ME SO MUCH LOL#i had to switch mice for this. the other one was so slippery. i dunno if its because its wireless or whatever. that boy go NYOOM#changing the settings didnt help.#anyway. last week i finished the mercenaries and got leons rpd outfit. it was hell. it wasnt but i was in a rush so it was#i think after everything my favorite is still ada cause that grapple gun is everything. the hardest for me was krauser#krauser should have been the easiest cause you just knife everything but i kept slashing dynamite and had to redo the village like 10 times#it was absolute ass. he's the most broken character why would they do that to me#and then immediately after i started on my separate ways professional S+#its funny someone said the S+ was harder than base game. base game's pro S+ burnt me out so bad#i didnt touch the game for months afterward. separate ways S+ was a cake walk after. you dont even have to fight krauser ovo)b#the most difficult parts are probably the double garradors and the countdown to get to leon at the end#immediately after i got all my achievements I was plunged into a depression like no other. plus i had a discrete math midterm on friday#i am SO SAD. WHO WAS I BEFORE SEPARATE WAYS#i did the same silly thing i did when i drew Link. the shine in her hair says 'Ada' because i have to derive joy from somewhere
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rainingincale · 1 month ago
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#ok im making one more dot post and then i am (hopefully) getting off tumblr and going to bed#liam payne#death#i do suggest not reading tbh because its just gonna be waffle. anyways#ive distanced myself from the boys for years for a multitude of reasons. mainly that they did things that disappointed me and i realised the#way i was attatched to them was unhealthy. so for the most part i listened and enjoyed the music and didnt pay Much attention to anything#else. and like liam. i always liked him in the band days because to me he was the underdog. the underappreciated and probs less stanned one#out of all of them. and when youre a fan i do feel like a lot of us just wanted them all to be appreciated. idk. but anyways yeah i did feel#for him. due to him backgroud growing up. his talent. etc etc. even though he wasnt my fav. and even when he did something wrong my teenage#self still defended him like my life depended on it. (embarassing) anyways. his solo music while it was not my fav i still occasionally#enjoyed. its just over produced pop like it was fine and i found it fun. in terms of him as an actual person by this point in his career i#didnt pay attention to him or the others that much anymore#and like. yeah as of recently as more stuff came out about him being kinda weird and rude and abusive 🙃🙃🙃 that was kind of the final#straw for me! like in terms of me giving a fuck about him. if he eventually came around cool but i wasnt gonna wait around for it.#god this whole thing feels so dramatic but i need to get it oit or i Know i will not be at peace lmao anyways#so yeah come to hearing about his death which. i hear about because of trin lovell on twitter like. shsvshs. anyways my reaction was#disbelief and just... nothing? like i said in my brain i had just disregarded him honestly. and even now i still just feel speechless.#to summarise my feelings. fuck him for how he treated his ex and probably other women as well. but also. he was my boy. he'll always be a#part of me. and it feels weird that hes just. gone. he suffered a lot with addiction and pressures etc and its just. sad that hes gone now.#that he never got to get better. and he wont get the chance to. im sad for his family. and anyone else thats gonna be affected by this#im always gonna remember him.#and thats all i have to say. honestly part of me feels SO dramatic for even typing all this out but here we are.#if anyone has read this far and wants someone to talk to im more than happy. and also just wanna make clear that i am fine#le text post
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rubenesque-as-fuck · 3 months ago
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Anyway I got notified that I'll be getting a nice $$ bonus from work today and I wish that I could celebrate with someone in a way that didn't just feel like obnoxious bragging. Like beyond the financial aspect, it's just nice to be recognized for good work and I actually feel... good?? about this job??
But it feels so silly to say I want to celebrate when I just got back from what felt like my first real vacation in a very long time and am doing cool comic con stuff this weekend and am scheduled for a new tattoo next weekend. I am already doing lots of things to try to make myself feel good! It feels selfish to want more!
But I guess even with all of that, there's just still a hunger for external validation from trusted sources. Will I ever grow out of wanting someone to be proud of me?
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#stoned ramblings#life of faye#i swear I'm not as sad right now as this makes me sound just kinda lonely is all#work bonus#boss also said that if i wanted to take on more responsibility we could talk raises as well#and like most days I'm done by like 1 so it's not like I'm wildly overworked as it is#I'm going to set some aside for fun stuff and the rest is going in my savings#i am finally FINALLY trying to build up a savings again#it's probably a silly dream but I still want to save up for a house#so what else can i do but try and save?#rent's gone up so damned much everywhere that for somewhere halfway decent it costs about as a mortgage to rent anyway#the only reason my rent is semi-managable is because I've been here for 8 damn years so they haven't been able to drive it up as much#other apartments here start at hundreds more per month for new tenants#so i feel like I'm stuck here until i can afford a place#my one real hope is that I inherit enough from my midwest grandma when she passes to make a good down payment somewhere#sometimes to torture myself I like to go look at houses that I think are in my approximate realistic price range if i could cover the down#i want a yard for velma#i want to be able to open my blinds and/or windows and not feel like a whole apartment complex's worth of people can see me#i want a kitchen where all the burners work and I have enough counter space to work#i want a dryer system where my apartment doesn't get filled with warm wet air when the neighbors are doing their laundry#i want to do nude gardening#and have backyard bbqs with friends#i want enough dedicated space to do art that i don't constantly have to shuttle the easel around the living room and up and down the stairs#all pipe dreams i know#but hey the grandma did say that i was one of her three main inheritors in the will#so we'll see#just to be clear she has not passed but she's nearing 90 and keeps talking about it so it's hard not to think about you know?#anyway these are the sorts of things that i would talk about if I had someone to cuddle on the couch and talk to about my day#texts to nobody
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corfisers · 1 year ago
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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lengthy-artery · 3 months ago
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#waiting to start not one but TWO immunosupressants and knowing exactly what date it's going to happen is so weird#because there's a deadline on your immune system now#and i spend most of the time not really thinking about it and then out of nowhere I'll be like#oh yeah#in just under two weeks I won't have my good immune system anymore#i wont be able to rely on it as i always have because it won't be there#and i know Exactly when it's going to happen#it's. in all honestly it feels bizarrely like being at the vets when sobi was put to sleep#it was the right thing to do it was the right time to so it and i knew it was coming#we need to do this so my immune system doesn't keep eating my intestines in its fervour#it's the right thing to do it's the right time to do it it's needed and necessary but I'm grieving all the same#yes okay maybe it's stupid to equate starting immunosuppressants with my pet dying#maybe im being overdramatic about all this#ive had people tell me it probably wont be that bad it'll probably just give me a normal system j shoudl stop stressing about all this#i should stop feeling so sad about all this#and that doesn't help one fucking bit#i do feel sad about this. i feel very sad about this. i am experiencing grief about this#dont tell me to make my emotions smaller#the nurse said i would could as high risk. that i will need to avoid people who even just have colds#this is not a small change. this is me losing something i have relied on for my entire life#something i have taken a stupid pride in for my entire life#and it feels just like being at the vets. gently stroking sobi's head as he died#putting him to sleep. putting my immune system to sleep. telling it did well#it'll come back one day i know (i hope) but for now it has a deadline#crunchy rambles
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lunarharp · 2 years ago
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scribbly first date type affair (continuation of my modern au stuff)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#idk when the next modern au thing will be so i'll just post this by itself. hehe#that art was one of qifrey's first drawings. it was of a creepy eye. (it was around the time he got glasses as a kid)#(and was told that he might lose his sight completely one day so he became an emo because he already wanted to be an artist#like beldaruit who ran his foster home where he encouraged kids to draw art to express their feelings.)#and an insidious deviantart group called The Brimhats idk stole it & reposted it. he never got to the bottom of who exactly did it.#but one day. they will fucking suffer.#(he believes their goal was to develop AI art as they said stuff like 'all art should belong to everyone anyway' & 'there shouldnt be rules'#but actually they were probably just regular mean ppl who have moved on to new things in life than stealing kids' art on deviantart.#who knows though.) i want people to retain their disabilities or general tragedies like beldaruit would be in a wheelchair#and coco's mum is in a coma. but its just so funny if qifrey just has regular bad eyesight#and it's so cute that he would say he doesnt think of beldaruit as a dad & is distant with him but now basically runs a foster home too#where he doesnt just encourage like he was encouraged but actively teaches kids from sad backgrounds to become wonderful artists one day#anyway i am so fucking hungry now goodbye#P.S. BELDARUIT IS NOT OLD !!!!!!! i mean if qifrey is late 20s or older in canon like i want... i guess he..but.... NO !!!!!! 😭#*edits in some follow-up drawings*#oru: i couldn't c-c-confess my feelings bc it always seems like he's worried about something..i shouldnt bother him..#qif: *always worried about how to confess his feelings*#ive decided meeting at 7 on da is kind of ridiculous actually. i think they probably meet at like age 10 in canon..not immediately =_=#since beru-sama is like 'he finally found a friend'. whatever... this'll be my last art post for a while probably so see ya <3
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ajxrn-archive · 4 months ago
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I need to be put in a waffle iron or something
#i am. really stressed!!#i hate being online i keep losing friends#Majority of them did shitty stuff to me and it makes me so sad#I already have trust problems so when people come and say theyll always be here for me and then the next thing i know im blocked because i#Expressed my discomfort about something shitty they did it makes those trust issues even worse#We were pretty close and now i regret telling him shit because he could use it against me#And im starting to fall out with my “best friend” irl. Everything is making me sick#I can’t do this anymore I really want to disappear#There has to be something about me so repulsive to people#That i just turn them away#its gonna be like that for the rest of my life isnt it? I probably wont even get a partner in the future#I just don’t know why I fuck up every friendship so bad even if it wasnt. My fault#I shouldve kept my mouth shut even if i was uncomfortable#my last friendships ended like this too#I caused a huge server fight by saying I was uncomfy and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me now because of it#even though some said they werent#I am just really lonely and feel like a piece of shit#Because I am one#I don’t really know if I want to keep being here anymore#I genuinely think nobody likes me#Even when I was in school nobody liked me#I was the “weird girl”#I just wish I was normal and likeable and then maybe I’d have friends irl#I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve considered suicide over it multiple times#I ruin everything#My friendships. My life. My parents marriage. My art. Everything.#I doubt anyone will read this or gaf so just. ignore me
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mithomite · 8 months ago
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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girlthativealwaysbeen · 1 month ago
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so sad for absolutely no reason
#👆 girl who stayed up till 3 am talking to her bestfriend about how depressed and trapped we both are for about 4 hrs#it's like that gracie lyric#you have to laugh before you start to cry😭😭#like ab toh funny bhi nahi lag raha jokes bhi nahi banaye ja rahe#oh but i love her so much i absolutely LOVE people with whom i can just be sad#im tired of people who constantly try to make the sadness go away or try to cheer me up#like sometimes you just gotta sit with your feelings na#at one point she was ranting and i said mere paas kuch kehne ke liye bhi nahi hai kyunki it literally feels like im listening#to my own thoughts on my own lying in bed at 2 am like hum itna same kaise sochte hai😭#and she laughed and was like but ye sahi hai na aise sochna like it feels wrong but it's the truth and im like i don't even#know but oh it's so good to not pretend to be okay#we're so similarly hopeless and tired cause like one point mein inevitably we talked about#the future living together our apartment and then i was like mujhe bhi ye chahiye but mujhe itni umeed uth chuki hai life se#ki koi excitement bhi nahi aa rahi like i already know ye sab kuch nahi hone wala and she's like haina same like i want to say#ki we'll do this and that but im like lol not gonna happen ab i can't look forward to things in the future im like if im living it then ok#then i can accept ki oh ok this is really happening im happy now wow but usse pehle nope#and we were talking about ki like yaar future toh ab dikhta hi nahi hai kya hoga it all feels so blurry and like a dark tunnel#atleast bachpan se we knew what was next school college but now it's like now what?#i know all these thoughts and feelings are pretty common and probably everyone's facing this but bhai.#it's fucking hard i didn't know life was gonna be like a constant battle where it kicks you down#again and again and again and you're bloody and no energy can't get up but you still have to because if you don't you'll sink#soooo deep in that state ki bahar nikal hi nahi paoge#OKAY 8 hrs sleep mandatory for me what the fuck why am i writing a ventpost at freaking 11 am girl go have lunch or something 😭
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cha1cedony · 9 months ago
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They do not prepare you for writing the grand finale of baby's first 100k longfic. I am so sad :( I'm gonna miss it :((((( Good thing I have a bajillion other installments planned but like :(((((((((((((
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blackjackkent · 10 months ago
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The city is hovering on the edge between summer and autumn, and the night has just the slightest hint of a chill on the air as Hector climbs the stairs to the balcony of the Singing Lute Inn, where Karlach told him to meet her.
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She's already seated at the table; he can see her fidgeting nervously as he approaches, and her head snaps up, startled, at the sound of his footsteps. Then the nerves are wiped from her face as she grins brightly.
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"Hi. Hi! You made it!" she says eagerly. Leaning forward, she pushes back the chair next to her at the table; her eyes run over him from head to foot, drinking in the sight of him in this place so far from camp or combat. "You look nice," she murmurs.
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Hector has been nothing but excited to come out and spend this time with her, ever since she suggested the idea - but now, to his own surprise, he feels a pleasantly warm, bashful feeling settle into his chest and realizes he is blushing a little.
Their relationship has been rather backwards and jumbled, he reflects. Months of hoping, wishing, pining after someone he could not even touch, let alone have... and then the collapse, barely over the course of a day, into passionate love - which was new enough for him, when it happened. This, a more traditional romantic moment, is perhaps even more unfamiliar to him now. But unlike so many of the things he has faced that were new and terrifying... this is new and joyful, because it is with her. He is safe, with her eyes on him, no matter what.
"So do you," he murmurs, looking back appreciatively, and he is gratified to see a similar dark flush rise in her cheeks as well at the compliment.
"Thank you," she answers with a bright smile. Shifting nervously in her seat, she picks up the menu hastily and peruses it with an intense studiousness.
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"Hmm. Baldurian seafood stew. No thank you..." She peers at him over the top of the sheet. "What do you think you'll have?"
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He is conscious of the surreal feeling that they are performing a play for each other, each of them trying to sort out what "acting normal" entails, with a little warm thrill as they successfully hit each beat in the scene. "The grilled rothe ribs sound good," he says with a slight smile.
She grins with an air of relief. "Just what I had in mind," she agrees. She waves eagerly at the innkeeper, a broad and rather surly orc gentleman. "Two of the rothe ribs, please," she says firmly. "And two glasses of..." She pauses, looks questioningly at Hector.
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"Wine," Hector puts in, pointing at the item on the menu.
"And two glasses of wine," Karlach finishes, and nods with satisfaction.
As the bartender stalks off, she leans forward, resting her elbows on the edge of the table. Her eyes narrow, taking on a playful air as she starts to relax into the moment.
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"So... you're an adventurer, right? How's that going?"
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Hector grins, mildly bemused. "You've been by my side for a lot of it, you know," he points out.
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She gives him an gentle nudge in the shoulder. "I know, but this is our *first date*, remember?" she says conspiratorially. "Tonight, you're a mystery to me."
His eyebrows lift in understanding, and he opens his mouth to try and answer in kind, continue the conceit of them being strangers to each other... but then he stops, and grins sheepishly. He's neither actor, liar, nor orator at the best of times, and if he is honest, he is finding the way she is looking at him... distracting.
"I'm not sure I can pretend I don't already love you," he says ruefully.
She hesitates, then laughs, shaking her head. "It's all I can do to keep my hands to myself anyway," she answers, and snorts softly. "We're terrible at this."
He reaches out, puts a hand on hers on the table, grinning at her slight discomfiture. "Want to get out of here?" he says teasingly.
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Her eyes widen and her face flashes through a mix of eagerness and determination in rapid succession. "No! ...Yes-- No. We came to have a nice date, and that's what we're going to do." She crosses her arms over her chest and looks at him with a stubborn smirk. "Go on. Date me. I dare you."
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Hector laughs softly. "You're right. So... erm... where did you grow up?" he tries, after a moment's thought, trying to determine what he might ask her if he had never met her before, if the scent and warmth of her were still things he had yet to experience. This is still not his strong suit - but he will make the effort if it will make her happy.
She brightens up excitedly and settles back into the moment with only a little awkwardness.
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"Right here in Baldur's Gate, more or less," she says, gesturing out to the view of the city below them. "My folks are long gone now. But they raised me in the Outer City. Dad was a porter in town, mum did laundry." She smiles nostalgically. "Still think of her when I smell clean sheets. We were poorer than dirt, but my gods we had fun."
He leans back in his seat, just enjoying listening to the sound of her voice, her excitement, her happiness at being back in the city, all washing over him. He's heard some of this from her before - but not all of it. Perhaps this 'pretending to be strangers' bit has even more merit than he expected.
"What about you?" she asks him curiously.
(A/N: The three options here are "much like yours," "i don't like to talk about my past," and "I'm from baldur's gate too, I wonder if we crossed paths"; none of these are actually relevant to Hector's experience of growing up at the monastery. So we're going to skip over this line. XD )
He has told her some things about his life among the monks of Silverlight before - but fairly little about his childhood there. He finds himself starting to talk about it now, though. He has no real stories of joy and excitement like those she describes, and on some level he has started to realize just how barren his life was in these particular regards until he met her... but there were good memories too. He ends up telling her a little about the lessons he received - how he started being trained as a scribe before they discovered his fascination with the ancient tomes and texts of their historical library...
She listens with rapt fascination, just as he had listened to her, a slight, blissful smile on her face.
It's hard to say how long they sit there, caught in the conversation, trading stories back and forth; both of them have started to relax into this 'first date' conceit and Hector feels his cheeks starting to hurt from smiling. They're only interrupted by the eventual arrival of their food... which is wrong.
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Two plates of seafood stew land on the table in front of them, along with the two glasses of wine. Karlach looks down at the plate with an air of some disappointment - but is met with a curse from the irritable innkeeper who stalks away when she tries to ask for a change.
Hector can see her struggling to mask the disappointment at the meal not quite going as planned, and she forces a smile back onto her face.
"Worst guy I ever met," she mutters wryly. "How about a toast?"
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But, frazzled, she moves too fast, and the wine glass slips from her fingers as she goes to lift it, sending a spray of pale purple across the table - and over her lap. "Oh, SHIT," she snaps, and Hector can hear her voice crack.
Frowning, he reaches out and takes her hand in both of his. He can feel the increased heat of the engine in her palm and knows it for a sign of her agitation, and his thumbs drift over her knuckles gently, soothingly. "We can use my glass," he says mildly, and reaches to lift it between them. "To us."
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He can see her relax, his voice and touch pushing away the frustration in favor of something warmer. She smiles slightly, nods agreement as he makes the toast, and her eyes track his intensely. The conceit of the first date is gone abruptly, and he sees the full depth of feeling in her eyes, everything they have built together in the months that he has been hers.
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"May we live every day as if it were our last," she says softly. "'Cause you never know when your last will come." Before he can respond, she pushes up from her chair and leans across the table to press her lips against his fiercely.
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As always, the oblique reference to how little time they have left makes his heart twist in his chest -- but now it is his turn to push that down and away. It has no place here. This moment is for her - for them - to feel, just for a little while, like they can say anything, do anything... like just for one night they are not trapped in the raging river of fate that is dragging them along.
Just for tonight, he thinks, and kisses her deeply, one hand sliding into her hair. Just for tonight... we have all of time ahead of us...
-----
It must be nearly two in the morning, he reflects vaguely sometime later, as he peers out at the curve of the moon and its position slowly descending towards the west. He's barely been aware of the passage of time; the last few hours have been some of the happiest of his life. Just like she promised... no monsters, no fights, no fears, just them, together, talking about whatever comes to mind, each sentence punctuated by a brush of fingertips against a hand or a cheek, a stolen kiss, a sip of wine...
And of course, the seafood stew, which really is dreadful, but certainly filling.
Karlach leans back in her chair with a heavy, contented sigh. "That was great," she mumbles, and flicks a glance at Hector with a slow smile. "The food and the company."
They've both had a little too much wine, really. Hector's lips have been fixed in a permanent, slightly giddy grin for at least the last hour. All the dark thoughts are far behind him now and he feels as if he is simply drifting, content to be near her, and has been forever, and will be forever still.
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"Lovely having a normal evening amid the chaos..." he says quietly.
She smiles wryly. "Whatever do you mean? We're just two normal people... living normal lives... very, very normally."
But she can't maintain the facade again; her voice cracks just a little, and she reaches out abruptly, putting her hand over his on the table.
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He stirs slightly, the happy buzz fading as he registers something serious and sad coming into her eyes.
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"I know I can't stay forever," she says quietly. There's no attempt at jocular humor this time, no wry deflection or avoidance. Her voice is soft and flat, full of love and full of grief. "Here. With you. In fact, I feel like..." She swallows. "Like I don't have long left at all."
His face spasms with a failed effort to contain the fear that floods through him at those words. Every moment he knows it is on the horizon, and yet hearing her speak of it directly, as something looming even closer than before, feels like a dagger through his heart.
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Her hand tightens around his, pulling him a little closer to her. "We've been through so much," she goes on. "And the worst is yet to come. I have every reason to feel terrified, hopeless... like giving up." She draws a breath and lets it out slowly, visibly struggling to keep composure long enough to finish speaking. "But to be here, with you, in the city I love, in this world I love so much... it's all I could really ask for."
She reaches out, cups her hand against his cheek, running her thumb along the edge of his beard. It's an affectionate gesture, of course, but it also serves to pull his face towards her, to nudge open his eyes so they meet hers squarely. "You hear me?" she says, suddenly fierce, her voice cracking again as the emotion starts to overwhelm her. "*You're* all I could ever ask for. I love you... and I know that whatever else this city will throw at us, we can handle it."
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He is listening with such fervent attention that he feels a muscle start to ache in his neck. And though his instinct, whenever this topic comes up, is to recoil into grief... this time he forces himself only to listen, to let her words flow through him and strengthen him.
Maybe it will end. But it meant something. It meant everything. It will always have meant everything...
He will have that to hold onto, when the pain eventually finds him. As it will, no matter how hard he tries to look away.
"I love you too," he whispers unsteadily, looking back into her eyes, his gaze heavy with all the love he feels for her. In almost every other moment, he is so careful with what he shows, how he controls himself... but not here. There is nothing hidden, not from her.
She smiles, kisses him again, slow and deep, then rests her forehead against his. "Come on," she murmurs. "There's something I want to show you upstairs."
He has to take a moment and breathe several times before he trusts himself to speak. "What is it?" he asks.
She laughs, only a little shakily. "I rented us a room for the whole night. Just the two of us -- alone, finally."
In spite of the emotional strain of the conversation, he feels a flicker of eager warmth go all through him, and she grins at the expression on his face.
"After you," he says, and pushes himself unsteadily to his feet.
-----
He has only ever experienced their lovemaking in camp. And he had never had anything to complain of. She has always been more wonderful than he would have words to describe, no matter where they are. He wouldn't have thought to ask for more even if it had been an option.
But this... gods. A soft bed and her warmth all over him, the same hungry eagerness that has marked their previous encounters, and yet... slow.
They had claimed to each other that they were going slow, that first night back in the shadowlands - but it wasn't really. It was rushed and desperate, full of need and urgency - both from desire and from the necessary limitations of sex in a camp full of other people.
This... this is slow. They have all night, and no one to bother them, nothing to distract. He is free to take his time, explore every part of her as she explores him. And the look in her eyes as their bodies meld together is something he will never forget if he were to live to be a thousand years old.
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He loves her... he loves her... he loves her... and he can feel her on the edge of slipping away from him, but he will carry this with him into the darkness when she is gone.
He loves her and he is losing her and he does not know what he will do without her.
But they have this.
They have this...
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stealthysteveharrington · 3 months ago
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