#okay anyway. posting this bc I am about to go to bed. goodnight :3

[cha1cedony]

They do not prepare you for writing the grand finale of baby's first 100k longfic. I am so sad :( I'm gonna miss it :((((( Good thing I have a bajillion other installments planned but like :(((((((((((((

[redbullseb]

HEYA is there any mcr song that you associate with seb? totally random question, sorry 🥺

HELLO ANON! DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

so there are several aka their whole discography and i hope u will indulge me while i extensively type out which mcr songs are seb's and why ok thank u <3 going by album...

bullets

early sunsets over monroeville: so this song is on the surface obvs about dawn of the dead but god. it's so fitting for ferrari seb bc of the themes re: illusion of happiness and killing a loved one and knowing about the certainty of the end and it's all just so fucking profound. the way the music gets stripped away until it's just gerard screaming "there's a corpse in this bed"??? ferrari seb. also the fact that g was suffering from major dental problems and had to be physically told to pussy up before he marched into john naclerio's basement to blow the boys all away too with the ending of the song always just makes me so. emotional. imagine ur frank anthony iero aged 20 and u just hear That come out of your friend's brother's mouth after only really knowing him as a weirdo introvert tangentially related to the jersey music scene. fucking life changing. i too would drop everything and follow him to the ends of the earth. this song makes me emotional this band makes me emotional. okay moving on before i start crying

revenge

helena: this is like . specifically seb leaving red bull and moving on. also could be ferrari seb. as u might be able to tell i have a lot of feelings about seb's ferrari arc. anyway the lyrics like . goodnight, not goodbye. and more to the ferrari seb point: g was just. filled with so much self hatred and regret and he was in such a bad place in his life when he wrote the lyrics but it has such heart and inspired him to let go of his grandma's death and kicked his ass to getting sober and yknow MAYBE i'm just projecting seb onto like my issues and g's issues bc i'm pretty like. i hate to say it. not a fan of gerard these days? or more like, i’m tired of his bullshit. and his wife's bullshit. that's irrelevant. the point is that this song is widely applicable to all tragedies and it's a seb song

fashion statement: ASTON! MARTIN! SEB! god okay i love this song it's probably my fave off revenge. i love the idea of him coming back in full glory. and we saw flashes of him being hungry in monaco and baku and scream!!! scream!!!!!!!!! this song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i never told you what i do for a living: MORE ferrari seb. this album is just. ferrari seb how many fucking times have i said ferrari seb. anyway "touched by angels though i fall out of grace" HELLO. no further comment needed methinks.

before i continue: pauline aka @formula-whine makes an excellent case for revenge being an album about red bull seb and is ceo of the emo seb agenda and has amazing art and asks and i will link/reblog them when i am back on my laptop tomorrow but they should be under the emo seb tag on my blog too!

black parade

wttbp: this song is a skip imo except for the rare occasions where i REALLY want to be 13 again hearing this for the first time but omg have u seen the vid of him mouthing along to the lyrics 😭😭😭 he goes so hard he has an air guitar this is a boy who had an (internal) emo phase i just know it. we know he likes the misfits and punk rock and my chem is just one step away. in all seriousness tho the whole message to carry on? and the entire post chorus i.e. “do or die, you’ll never make me / because the world will never take my heart / go and try, you’ll never break me / we want it all, we want to play this part / i won’t explain or say i’m sorry / i’m unashamed, i’m gonna show my scars” isnt that seb in a nutshell throughout his whole career? this man does not give the fuck up and neither should we!

house of wolves: HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIDEO OF G SPANKING HIMSELF ON STAGE WHILE SINGING THIS SONG… anyway red bull seb’s whore behaviour is off the fucking charts like that gifset i reblogged today where he just gives off Man Who Fucks energy??? yeah this song suits him. also recently he was talking about being naughty and what do u know… “tell me i’m a bad man, kick me like a stray / tell me i’m an angel, take this to my grave”?????? HORNY!! frank was insane for this

sleep: ferrari seb yet again. “and through it all, how could you cry for me?” “kiss me goodbye and sleep / the hardest part is letting go of your dreams” also the entire second verse reminds me of like when that whole dts arc where seb tried to fight against charles replacinf him in ferrari and was a bastard on track. side note this song is criminally underrated ngl like i think g’s screams from tbpid will haunt me forever

disenchanted: i already screamed about it eep

famous last words: that one moment in dts when seb’s talking to christian and is like “and then come home.” THAT’S IT. also again the theme about carrying on and perseverance and holy shit i’m actually tearing up mcr has saved my life so many times i never planned on making it past 16 but here i am 20 years old alive and trying and lying in bed typing about them

blood: seb @ the media and social media. yeah

skipping conventional weapons for personal reasons

danger days

this entire album is rb seb and the anti capitalism stuff is current seb like LOOK ALIVE, SUNSHINE! 109 in the sky but the pigs won’t quit!! you’re here with him: sebastian vettel!! he’ll be your surgeon your proctor etc etc LOUDER THAN GOD’S REVOLVER AND TWICE AS SHINY he’s a rock n roller a crash queen a motor baby listen besties the future is bulletproof. the aftermath is secondary. gravity don’t mean much to him. and that is red bull seb. eeee for the sake of avoiding redundancy i’m just gonna list lyrics <3

“if my velocity starts to make you sweat, then just don’t let go”

“i’m unbelievable (yeah) i’m undefeatable (YEAH) let’s ruin everything BLAST IT TO THE BACK! ROW!”

“so hit the lights, i’ll do it again / and keep your cars and your dogs and your famous friends”

“ain’t nobody gonna take my life / ain’t nobody gonna get the best of me”

“everybody hit the pyro cue / we’re gonna blow this off and show you what we do”

“this ain’t about all the friends you made, but the graffiti they write on your grave”

“when the lights go out, will you take me with you? / and carry all this broken bone / through six years down in crowded rooms and highways i call home?”

“they don’t believe in us, but i believe we’re the enemy”

the horny part in destroya. all of it

“all the cameras watch the accidents and stars you hate / they only care if you can bleed”

“‘cause you only live forever in the lights you make.”

eep i am so tired but essentially i have a lot of feelings about seb and his legacy also many many feelings about mcr’s breakup. yes they’re back together but i doubt mcr5 is ever dropping and how perfectly sad is that alshdksg they need to make another album just so seb can get his fifth world championship etc etc okay it’s 2 in the morning i am going to bed if u made it this far hello congrats stream death spells for clear skin

[gibbyj]

goodnight and goodbye handsome

7.13.21 / 2:21 am

fuuuuuck i’m high!!’ turns out if you don’t smoke all day you get literally blasted. anyways hahaha, that’s not the point is it?

if you’ve gotten this far, i assume you’re reading this. honestly, i assume you’re reading this anyway. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but for some reason you’ll come. in a few days, you’ll visit my page.

here’s the thing, i know why i visit you. i’m in love with you. it’s really that simple. i tell people that, and i think that. deep down, i fear it may not be true. i’m terrified i’ve wasted years of my life craving a fling. and yet, deeper down, i’m drawn to you. i’m trapped in your fucking wave.

that’s a song you told me to listen to. do you remember why we broke up? hahahaha, i guess that’s a dumb question. in this world, everyone genuinely has their own truth. their own steps they’ve walked in this world to get to the version of themselves and their surroundings in their mind. [side note: that’s pretty fucking poetic right? i came up with that in 10 seconds high as a kite, please start writing again? i miss it, the world misses it. what happened to your notebook? ik you have ideas in there]

anybays, here’s my full version of why i genuinely believe you broke up with me. 1) you had a crush on her, and you were attracted to her 2) you were hurt bc i had been in texting him 3) we were fighting a lot 4) we had been getting bored 5) i was kinda petty and a bitch 6) i had been lying to you (and the world) for most of my life 7) i had been intentionally distancing myself and avoiding you 8) i’m SURE things i’m forgetting

i’m sure that’s incomplete, and perhaps incompatible with your version of events. i had also already broken up with you, that was a major factor. i used to point this out to our friends, and anyone who would listen to me, that you followed a similar path. when was the last time you were genuinely single, 14? 15? i don’t point that out to say that you weren’t able to grow, i’ve spent most of my grown life in love. but you always had someone lined up. you didn’t get rid of me until you had someone else to kiss.

i did that too, but i got bored. i really thought you would get bored. and i’m sorry, i wish i didn’t wish that. every part of me wants to have been able to let you go after i had written my first goodbye. but here’s the thing. you responded, quickly. and i’m sorry, im genuinely sorry for all of the times i reached out to you. im sorry for trying to add you on snapchat. im sorry for messaging you when i thought you were trying to talk to me. and im really, really, sorry for blacking out and texting you.

but here’s the, thing. you responded. you respond quickly. why do you check on me? seriously, why? sometimes i think, probably more like hope, you’re here bc i look good in my pictures, bc obviously that’s my intention. but why do you talk to me? and no, you dont. that’s really hard to explain to the people closest to me. no, we don’t talk, he like subtweets me? but i swear i’m not crazy. no really, they’re original posts, what else could they be?

and i dissect them, over and over again. i listen, i think about it, i picture you singing in your car, or smiling with your eyes closed. i think of you in your bed, thinking of me, and i don’t know why. because you don’t talk to me, you don’t seem to like me, and you don’t seem to be unhappy.

i drove past your house tonight. and in my FUCKING defense, it’s an alternative to my gd house, no one seems to understand that it’s literally like not a detour and i get home in the same amount of time. but i really don’t know why i do it. because i’m never happy. it’s never what i want. here’s what i want, i want you walking to your car, and seeing me drive past, i’d wave, slow down, and say hi. and finally ask for a goddamn explanation.

but that’s never going to happen. and i have to accept that. that’s never going to happen. i’m never going to rest my head in your neck, or hold your hand, or kiss you, or hug you, or laugh with you, or sing, or drive, or talk to you ever again. and that makes me so sad.

as i write that, i can feel the blood draining from my arms, and my stomach fell. i will probably go to sleep tonight, and even though i’ll distract myself with cormac mccarthy, i’ll be sad tonight.

my grandmom died on thanksgiving. i’m sure you don’t remember, but she was my best fucking friend. i’m not gonna talk about that, but i bring it up to say that if i’m being honest, my bones feel the same now as they did then.

we’re dead. the glimmer of me that believes in us, that picture going to concerts, seeing you drunk, dancing and laughing and singing and kissing and fucking and driving and watching movies and making jokes and living life together is gone. it’s dead. it has to be dead.

i went to barnes and noble today, and i looked for your car in the parking lot. i went to ocean city, and i scanned the top of the crown looking for your smile. and then i went to hammonton.

i got drinks with an ex tonight, don’t worry it wasn’t you. we have nothing in common, but he’s a good friend to me, and he’s really supportive and is always there for me, which tbh isn’t a common trait among my good friends. we talked, and it was pretty boring, but it was nice. and i asked him wtf you were doing. what it meant. why. if i should drive past your house.

he said no, i shouldn’t. he didn’t understand why i would choose to hurt myself that way. i showed him your page, and he chuckled a little. i dissect your feed, i visit you in the morning and the evening. every original post a message. a reaction or a plea in some way.

he told me i was crazy, which he isn’t wrong about. and the funny thing is, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. sometimes, i fear i’m just a joke. maybe you guys watch me together, listen to my songs and laugh at the desperation between the lyrics. but, i really don’t think that’s it. you’re better than that. you’re nice, people don’t know that, to be honest you don’t always show that, but you have such a pure heart. and i don’t think you’re that gross.

maybe i’m wrong, and gd if i am gg sis you really found your person. but i don’t think im talking to both of you. i really, really think im talking to you. sometimes, it really feels like im talking to you. like you’re next to me, if i close my eyes, i can almost feel your hands on me.

but, im not. you’re in that deer town, and im in the college court. we’re thirty miles, and three years apart from one another. we’ve grown and changed and flipped upside down from those kids hanging out at the voorhees mall.

and so im left to figure out by myself why you’re here. why despite you being far and happy, you come to haunt me. you know, most exes emotionally haunt their ex, not legitimately leave unnecessary and misleading breadcrumbs.

i have a whole slew of degrees now, so i’ve come to my best version of a guess: you’re filing your insurance card. and you know what? four hours ago, i really would have been okay with that. i would have dated and waited and dated and waited until you came crying back, because you were my person. you were my goddamn dream boy. and i couldn’t believe i had you.

i let you go so quickly. and goddamn julia you didn’t let anyone go. here’s what i realized: anyone can fight for anyone. if you wanted me as badly as i want you, you would be here. here, here. but you’re not. instead, she’s there.

and i finally realized, what’s the goddamn point? i don’t know if you realized bro but i’m literally a gd catch. also, tbh i’m a lady w 38ddds so i can laid truly anytime i need to. and more importantly, i’m funny. i’m nice. im kind and i’m compassionate and caring and giving and smart as hell and really fun to hang out with. im a great singer, and a really fun dancer. and guys realize that.

there are so. many. guys like you. and i don’t mean that to be rude, trust me i didn’t know that this morning. but there are funny guys out there. there are guys who will go crazy when i take my clothes off and call me when i’m sad, and they’ll be happy to do it. they’ll be excited to be with me, i won’t be a back up.

and so, i’m giving myself that opportunity. i’m letting myself let go of you, to bury you and us alongside the memories i’m grateful for. so thank you, for teaching me all of my favorite bands. for making me laugh, and holding me when i needed you to. for kissing me, for loving me, and for reminding me that even now, im still a little special.

but i’m not going to sit around and wait for you to react. im not going to check on your songs, or your liked posts, or drive past your goddamn house. im not going to obsess over what you’re trying to say, because if you wanted to say it, you would. you wouldn’t hide it in spongebob songs, you would just message me. you would say hi.

but you dont, and deep down, i know you wont. god, even now, i want this to turn you inward. but when it doesn’t, or if it does and you still want nothing to do with me, i’m not gonna cry. because i really, really, really believe i’m gonna be okay.

i hope you’re okay too. i really, really wish you nothing but the best in this world. whatever this world brings you, i hope it comes with happiness, the ability to find joy in any situation, laugh at the small things. i believe in you, i hope you learn to believe in yourself.

[sunbaethehuman-blog]

Indecisive - ( Pt. 1)

Yoongi Angst | Taehyung x Reader

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 (coming soon)

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader | Taehyung x Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, BTS x Reader, series

Author’s note: SECOND FANFIC AYYYYY. I’ve been writing this one since….. this summer maybe?? lol idk im lazy af and i still have other stuff to write. RLLY GOOD STUFF TOO. ive been into angst stuff lately bc i love to break my heart over n over again :’))) thats my kink guys!!! getting my heart broken!! haha jk im srry i will sto p anyways. I love yoongi with all my heart,,,, but i also love taehyung with all my heart so i was like WHY NOT AHAHAHA bias vs bias wrecker ok now i’m overdoing this author’s note thing im srry pls enjoy btws i posted this without rlly reviewing it so YEAH LETS GET IIIIIIT

“Ew, what kind of face is that?” a low voice asked, looking at the screen on the phone you were holding up, the front camera facing you and raven haired male that sat next to you as you took a selfie. You had your face scrunched up, eyes rolled up to the point where the only the whites of your eyes were shown, you clicked the camera shutter.

“What’s wrong with silly pictures?” You pouted and turned to your date. As he looked back at you, he scoffed, “you call that silly? That’s more ugly than it is silly.” His tone was serious but you knew his humor consisted of roasts.

You couldn’t help but laugh and playfully hit his shoulder, “Okay, okay. We’ll take a good one.” Your hand still in position, you smiled at the camera showing teeth, while the young man smirked. Click. “There we go.” You cooed. The lights began dimming, indicating the movie was about to begin so you put your phone away.

You were amazed by the fact you were able to ask Yoongi out on a date to the cinema. You weren’t sure how to go about it but you asked your best friend, Taehyung for advice, he seemed weird about it but eventually he said to just go for it. You and Yoongi were good friends to begin with but you felt something else go on between you two (a lot of sexual awkward tension to be exact). For a while, neither of you acknowledged it, knowing it could possibly ruin your friendship, and that’s something the neither of you wanted.

Deciding to see a romantic comedy, Yoongi was first against it, but it was the only thing you could stand watching. Horror wasn’t your cup of tea, so Yoongi let it slide. To your surprise, you heard Yoongi laughing along beside you. Looking at him laughing, you couldn’t help but smile too.

Then, a sudden burst of happiness hit you. It was weird–it would happen from time to time and it’d come at the most random times. The feeling was strong and passionate that just couldn’t be ignored.

“Hey, Yoongi…” you began, but you stopped. Yoongi’s phone was vibrating in his pocket. As the screen lit up, his eyebrows knitted together, “ahh, what can I do..” he flashed his phone at you, “it’s Suran. I’ll be back.” Answering his call in a low whisper, he got up from his seat and walked while crouching, trying not to block people from veiwing the movie and walked outside of the movie theater.

All of your firey passion was gone in an instant. Your heart’s content was quickly replaced with sadness. ‘Why am I being like this..? It’s not like he’s leaving.. Ohmygod. Am I jealous?’ You felt frustrated about your own feelings. ‘No! I can’t be. They’re both my friends.’

Holding a burdensome conversation with yourself, a voice whispered into your ear, “I’m so sorry,” it was Yoongi. Making you snap out of the lonesome quarrel, you turned your head towards him, “Suran is… in need of my help. I have to go. I’ll see you later.”

To your understanding, you nodded, “alright. No worries, I hope everything’s fine..!” and with that, he rushed back out.

Trying to keep your cool, you sunk into your seat, ‘they’re both my friends… then why am I feeling like this?’ you could only ask yourself that same question over and over.

‘Next time, maybe?’ you asked yourself. The autumn night breeze blew your hair, chilling your cheeks and runny nose. The hoodie you wore under your jean jacket kept you warm. After Yoongi left, you had been in a sour mood and decided to leave without finishing the movie. You felt like you needed to take a walk, and that’s what you did. It felt nice to have some time to yourself and sort out these senses.

Getting home, you plopped down onto your bed, spreading your limbs out. Staring at the ceiling, you contiplated whether or not to text Yoongi. And after many debates, you finally decided yes. Pulling out your phone from your purse and clicking the message app, you picked Yoongi’s contact.

YOU: Hey, how is Suran doing? Is everything okay?

After a few minutes, you recieved a reply.

Yoongi-nie: Hey, everything’s fine, I guess. her boyfriend broke up with her so she needed my moral support… how was the movie? sorry i didn’t stick around long enough to see the ending. did they end up together?

YOU: oh no that’s terrible. HE DIDN’T DESERVE HER. HE’S AN ASS. I got her back, tell her that. and the movie was good. :) you lied guess we gotta redo this lil date so you can find out for yourself! haha

The reply from Yoongi took a little longer than you had hoped.

Yoongi-nie: Date? i didn’t know this was a date… i thought we were only hanging out….

What–. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Your heart was pounding hard against your chest.

YOU: Oh, hanging out? lol then do u want to go on a date sometime with me…?

At that point, you felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest. Turning your screen off, you screamed while throwing your phone to the other side of your bed. The anticipation and anxiety began to build. “WHY DID I DO THAT? JEEZ, FUCK. OHMYGOD. NOOO. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK–” Ding! You received a message.

Quickly crawling to the other side of your bed, you flipped over your phone and rushed to unlock it.

Yoongi-nie: No. Sorry. I don’t like you like that. I always thought I treated you like my annoying little sister, but I don’t want to keep leading you on. I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way.

Your heart sunk. It was the end. Honestly, you didn’t know what you were expecting. Your life isn’t like the romantic comedies. You weren’t going to get the boy. It happens.

YOU: Ahhh. Okay. Sorry, I misunderstood. I probably made you feel uncomfortable. Thanks for telling me the truth, though. I really appreciate it.

Yoongi-nie: Are you okay? I don’t want you to be depressed or anything.

At this point, your heart felt destroyed.

YOU: OMG. Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. I just need some time if that’s okay.

Yoongi-nie: Take all the time you need. Again, I’m sorry.

YOU: Don’t apologize. It’s okay, seriously. Goodnight.

Yoongi-nie: Goodnight.

Recieving that last text, you set your phone on silent and played music. You didn’t think playing your favorite songs could make you feel so sad.

———————————————————————————————————–

The next day felt draining. Although you didn’t have work, your morning wasn’t as enjoyable as it could’ve been. Doing what you usually do on your day off, you jumped into the shower. Since you had no plans of going out, you only changed into comfy sweats and a t-shirt, and tied your hair up into a pony-tail. Next, you cleaned your apartment while listening to music that blasted through your speakers. It was a good distraction until you heard a knock at the door.

Turning down the music, you took a look at yourself in the mirror that hanged in the hallway before the front door and moved away misplaced strands of hair out of your face then opened the door.

It was Taehyung wearing his baggy tan hoodie and ripped blue jeans. He had what seemed like bags filled with food in his hands. “Good morning!” He smiled. You were able to keep it together since the night before and all morning but for some reason, seeing your best friend’s face made you break into tears. “Taaaaaehyuuuuung..!” you sobbed.

The brunette’s smile was wiped off with concern and confusion, “woah, woah what happen?” He closed the door behind him and placed the bags onto the table before wrapping his lengthy arms around you.

His warm embrace made you cry into his chest even harder and hug back. All that was heard were muffled sobs. “There, there.” he said softly, stroking the top of your head. He was patient with you, he always was. And it was rare to see you cry, Taehyung knew you were a strong when it came to your feelings. Stress, frustration or even just sad movies never made you cry.

After a few minutes of ugly sobbing, you stepped back, letting go and looking up at him through your blurry vision. Taehyung looked back into your eyes and only chucked, “well that’s a sight for sore eyes.” cupping your cheeks, he wiped away your tears as you sniffed. “Are you ready to tell me what happen?”

The only response you gave him was a slow nod. Tired of standing at the door, the both of you moved the conversation to your living room, where you told him about your heartbreak.

You sat at one end of the couch in a little ball while Taehyung sat at the other end. “Ahhh… this is so embarrassing…” you sighed, rubbing your eyes and sniffed.

“Why are you embarrassed? These are your feelings. There’s nothing you should be embarrassed about.” Taehyung comforted.

You sighed once again, “ah… why did I have to fall for Yoongi? I should’ve just fallen for you instead. We’re practically married,” leaning your head against the leather cusion of the couch and giggled.

Only a corner of Taehyungs lips lifted, “that’s food for thought.” He leaned over and patted the closest limb he was able to reach, which was your foot, weird but it still felt comforting, “I don’t know what else to say but to move on–things like this happen. I don’t want to sound like a jerk and tell you this but it’s the truth,” he sighed, “and I don’t want you to keep bringing your hopes up for them to be suddenly broken down again.”

Taking a deep breath and rubbing your eyes before combing through your hair with your fingers, you looked at him, “aghhh, you’re right. I have to get over him…. and I’ll start by eating that food you brought–where it at?” you got off the couch and quickly walked to the table in the hallway where Taehyung left the bags.

Opening the bags, it felt as if the food itself was glowing and shinning on your face. Was there a choir of angels singing? Who knows but you could hear them loud and clear. All you could do was mischievously laugh to yourself, “oh, Taehyungie. You know me so well.” The bags were filled with all of your favorite snacks and drinks.

“I thought we could watch some movies and chill all day while eating junk food,” the owner of the low and husky voice popped in, watching you drool from the hallway.

You looked up at the direction it come from and smiled, “Taehyung, you have perfect timing.”

[himbo-prime]

I wanna know about your super precious boyfriend

*PEERS*I don’t know if this is just u being goofy and NOT GOING TO BED BUT I WILL TAKE LITERALLY ANY OPPORTUNITY TO GUSH ABT MY AMAZING BF!! *DROPS A KEEP READING BREAK FOR PPL WHO DONT WANNA SEE MY SAPPY ASS GUSH*

we met over a year ago in discord thanks to the8bitdrummer who is a super positive, cheerful, extremely talented dude who improvs drumming to literally Any Song Ever on twitch

he had a discord server n we hit it off there and like a couple months after we met we were in this voice chat in my own server and it was me, him, and another friend of ours named Corm and cub just casually slipped this bs into voice chat “i mean everyone knows i like you but,” and i just fuckin fell apart and i’ve never been more flustered in my life tbh it’s still a really fond memory for me 

but like we both kinda ,, rushed into it and it was kinda sloppy and the relationship fell apart kinda fast and it was sad,, but in retrospect i’m glad we had that experience because went through SO MUCH ShIT together cause of it. like. every single thing life could possibly throw at us it did. more shitty relationships on my part, a failed polyamorous relationship that left all of us in tatters, emotional shitstorms and Real Life being a total dick, but somehow, we stuck through it. cub went from being a bit of a flopped relationship and awkward friendship to being my closest friend, confidante, and someone i knew would come to defend me even when i was 110% convinced i didn’t deserve it. he supported me through all my 500 different identity crises, spearheaded the efforts in my server to adjust to my new pronouns and ultimately boosted my self-esteem more than it’s ever been before. i am who i am now because of his support. 

until recently i tried to keep things kinda down low abt it cause i was with my ex, and even though that relationship was going downhill so so fast i didn’t wanna cross any lines. but we kinda,, re-confessed to each other shortly before the end of it. i had somehow convinced myself that he’d moved on because he did such a good job about keeping it under wraps and being an amazing friend to me even when i bitched to him about my ex and the troubles we were having. i was honestly startled to learn he still loved me through it all. 

and then we got to meet irl a little less than a month ago. *hoo boy*

that was literally the best day of my life, and i’m so sad i only had one day w/ him

his parents hate me so i was so scared of meeting them, but they wanted to see me in person and assess who I really was I guess and i did my best to b polite but i was so scared y’all i was finna Piss Myself right in front of these two and Cub (who was not yet my bf again yet) and my parents didn’t look any better either

but miraculously they didn’t call down a lightning bolt from God on me and they left and cub and i got to wander around the zoo together. 

y’all

cub was so fuckin cute i can’t e v e n. kept pointing out to me that he was rly nervous/awkward and i was (miraculously) totally calm/cool about it and was like no dude ur good i’m just glad you’re here, i literally don’t expect anything from you (”that’s somehow worse”, i remember him saying) 

then ok there’s this fuckin

train that goes around the zoo and it’s literally just supposed to be for little kids and their mothers but we got on it anyway and That’s Where Stuff Started Happening, right there on that stupid plywood train that went all of 3 miles per hour in a big, 4-minute circle

i don’t remember what he said but it was fuckin adorable and i told him as much and like nudged up against him and was like UR FUCKIN CUTE and he flustered so hard and it was ,, fuckin Light Of My Life man i’ve never been more amazed that so much cute could exist in a single person

and a bit after that (i think) he put his hand on my leg and was like “is this awkward” and i took his hand and held it and was like “hell no it ain’t”

the rest of the day went so much smoother after that breakthrough; he didn’t feel awkward anymore and i kept fuckin STARING AT HIM BC HIS EYES ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I COULDNT BELIEVE HE WAS W/ ME 

he kept sayin some rly sappy shit to me all day and we were both flustered as fuck like a solid 80% of the time i think but i’ve never been happier 

towards the end of the evening we were chillin in my hotel’s lobby, cause my parents went to bed early (we’d been up since 4am) and we wanted a bit of time to ourselves i guess, and 

we were sitting on this couch, next to a fireplace, lookin out like 10 windows while the sun finished setting and he faux-casually goes “y’know i’ve never been kissed” FAM!! FAM I WAS SO NERVOUS I FUCKIN DIE DUDE I WANTED TO KISS HIM LIKE LITERALLY ALL DAY BUT NOW I WAS FINNA DO IT AND MY NERVES!!! MY NERVESSSSS

i’m ,, so glad i managed the courage tho that kiss (and the goodnight kiss a bit later) was like,, the highlight of my Life and i wish i could do it again like a thousand times fuk i’m hella gay y’all 

anyway i just , really love him i know this post is super long and it’s way longer than i meant it to be but i’m so gay. so so gay. he’s my soft boy and i wouldn’t trade him for anything and i can’t wait to be with him again fuck @alchemicalraven I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OKAY ?? SHIT DUDe

*floats into the gay-ass abyss* goodbye i’m deceased

[swearronchanel]

6.08, my last commentary™ R I P to me

I wanted to post this right away but my phone died and I broke my charger so I had to handle that but now I’m finally able to. I’m literally dead, I STILL can not process how amazing it was. So I’ll just get on with it post my earlier thoughts  

¡¡TODAY IS THE DAY AHH!! IM FREAKING LATE KILL ME

BUT HOW ARE WE ALREADY HERE? IM NOT READY FOR THIS SERIES TO END BUT I NEED TO SEE SHELGAH *SAFELY* GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY. ANYWAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE AFTER THIS EPISODE SO ENJOY THE FINAL THOUGHTS OF MY LIFE, LETS GET IT ..

MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE ITS BEATING SO FAST

TBH I MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

SCREW THESE CREDITS BUT I NEED THEM BC IM NOT READY OMG

IM SCREAMING

aw baby! & hey val

Does this mean Delia had No letters from pats this whole time??

MY BBY SHELAGH OMG HER BELLY

SHE CANT REACH HER SHOE OMG SO PRECIOUS THOUGH

Sister MJ I love u 😭😂

Family planning clinic!

YES VAL! they’re women not criminals !!

YES TRIXIE THANKS BBY FOR SPEAKING UP

aww poor Barbara

“..There are tales of missionaries served for luncheon in those climes” LMAO OMG SISTER MJ THATS NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW

It’s so sweet that Babs really wants her dad, I feel. My grandfather officiated my parents’ and brother’s wedding, I hope he does mine. If someone wants to marry me one day ofc lol 😂😭

SHELAGH IS ACTUALLY YELLING .. WHY DO I LOVE IT?

All the shit she’s been through/delt with and pregnancy sets her off huh..

BUT TRIXE AND SHEALGH INTERACTING YESS NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT ILL TAKE IT FOR NOW

AWW MY BBY CRYING SOMEONE HUG HER 😭😭💕💕

MY BBY TRIXIE IS SMIRKING AT MY OTHER BBY LOL STOP 😭😭💔

“Hot and bothered” 😭😂 Violet having hot flashes. That’s not funny but i giggled I’m sorry immature of me

I can’t imagine being around when the pill was just coming out(or antibiotics even) like that must have been so wild ? you really would think they were magic *remember Vanessa Redgrave saying that in series 2?*

my mom is a nurse at a gyn/fertility office and she informed me of so much at a young age lol maybe that’s why I’m so curious idk?

lol I remember being like 13 and my friends didn’t know there was more than just the pill when it came to birth control and I really felt I was an expert😂 but *a judge’s voice* irrelevance moving on.

Needing your husbands permisson for a bank account? *sucks teeth* Vete ya!

Aw my bby shelagh 💔💔😭

“And I’ll warrant you’ve never felt more scared” I AM! AND THIS ISNT EVEN MY FICTIONAL PREGNANCY

“Oh lass“😭 PHYLLIS COMFORTING HER OMG I AM CRYING ALREADY, I NEVER KNEW I WANTED THIS

"Phyllis you’ve been a real friend” IM NOT OKAY OMG, THEY’VE COME SO FAR I CRY

OMG SHELAGH BEING SO CUTE WTF OMGGG 💖

PROTECT MY BBY & HER BABY AT ALL COSTS 💕💕

THE NONNATUNs CHEERING SO PURE 😭

“What if something goes wrong?” stop tempting fate Patrick !!

“I’ve made up my mind” MY BBY I CANT DEAL .. once upon a time she couldn’t speak up and was so timid 😭 my bby has grown

Her lipstick is a nice color, wait what’s this lady’s name?

The nurses all together makes me so happy omg why is this so adorable, even Phyllis is there !! SO PURE💕

Lol poor Fred tries his best !

Damn secondment to st Cuthberts, I guess Trixie couldn’t even be considered for to be Shelagh’s midwife

SHELAGH IN THE CARDIGAN >>

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE SISTER JULIENNE WE WOULDN’T HAVE ACCEPTED IT ANY OTHER WAY

“‘MY DEAR” BRB DROWNING IN TEARS

but omg was Phyllis disappointed 😭 no don’t be hurt that’s her basically her mother! (sister j and Phyllis would’ve been a good tag team though)

this montage just reminds me brb #irresponsibleme

Future Hereward’s take a note from the Turners, find out about each other sooner rather than later

LOL TOM’S AWKWARD FACE BC BABS IS GETTING CONTRACEPTION

it’s Wilma! her name is Wilma, noted.

Lol what does she sell? Is the company like Avon ? 😂I’m confused but also screaming too much internally

poor Babs is so nervous and feeling awkward 😂

Her face while on the bed😂 I feel

LMAO BABS TAKING OUT THE DIAPHRAGM & DROPPING IT HA

BUT WAIT THAT WAS THE TURNERS BATHROOM WTF ??

Patrick putting on or tying Shelagh’s shoes my fucking heart is melting

She doesn’t want him there .. for now?

“..We’re a team” 😭😭💕💕 marriage goals

“The minute I look at you I’ll give you everything you ask for” BRB I AM INDEED GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

I CAN NOT DEAL

Phyllis exercising 😭😂

“I have chosen one of my friends” OMG MY HEART

PHYLLIS BE MY BRIDESMAID !??

why does she only have one though? is it more like a maid of honor?

HERES COME MORE TEARS

THE SPANISH AYE DIOS MI CORAZON

Aw good for Wilma being happy with her job! Does everyone call the sofa the settee?

There’s that babycham! Still was never sure if it was alcoholic or nah? sparkling cider maybe?

OMG I HAVE A BOTTLE IN MY BAG THAT I BROUGHT FROM FLORIDA

new drinking came, shots every time the show makes you cry lol jk i’d be on the floor 20 mins in 

that sports car aye

My bby looking good 😍😍

she knows what it’s like to be hurt Christopher😭

You’re not supposed to take 3 at a time Wilma, I’ve been scolded enough

Okay so Babs just fell asleep and that’s all?? Preview made it seem more dramatic

Now is Val going to listen and not touch anything? lol probably

Violet always rocking blue eyeshadow haha

Is that a silicone faja?? that looks hella uncomfortable

TRIXIE’S FACE OF DISGUST HAHA

OMG THE FAM HELPING OUT WITH FUNDS MY HEART

I WANT TO BE APART OF THE NONNATUS FAMILY!

PHYLLIS AND BABS DRESS SHOPPING I LOVE THIS

“.. she’ll have me to reckon with”  TE QUERIO MUCHO PHYLLIS

I NEED A PHYLLIS IN MY LIFE

SHE HAS A FAV DRESS OMG I LOVE HER

HER FACE OMG I NEED THAT SCREENSHOTTED

SHELAGH MY BBY😭😭

Their new bedroom is so 60s I love it

She still didn’t read the pamphlet !! I love her omg, such pure intentions

OMG SISTER J REMINISCING, AH FINALLY SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SHE WAS A NUN, I AM SOBBING BYEE IM DYING. MY HEART RATE IS SLOWING DOWN

POOR DEELS AW OMG she doesn’t deserve this, she barely has screen time don’t hurt her 

Shealgh’s got another nightgown! 1962/2017 is apparently the year of nighties #thebrinylonforthewinthough

I love pink waffers 😭😂

SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH WILMA IM SCARED, IS IT A HEART ATTACK?? BLOOD CLOT??

poor vi!! aww she misses reggie too!

AW FRED HUG HER

and he’s fanning her omg so pure

SHEALGH’S GOING IN TO LABOR ?? AHHHHH OMGG IM NOT READY

but also she has a housecoat how cute

SISTER J SAID “HIS SPINE” OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY

“I knew it” bless u bby😭😭 she is a GEM. WHY IS SHE SO LOVABLE?

omg Wilma don’t die, Trixie can u save her 😭

shit not looking good, maybe this was the death they meant

shelagh throwing up yikes

“She’s smiling and waving” yea we know that smiling and waving😂😂 but omg doesn’t this remind anyone of when you’ve been partying too hard but you’re trying to convince your friends that you’re not ready to tap out yet😂😭

if not nevermind I’ll feel trashy lmaoo

PASS THAT GAS AND AIR SISTER J

AW BBY YOU ARE BRAVE!!!!!!!

IM CRYING BUT RUNNING OUT OF TEARS

HOW TF DOES LAURA LOOK GORGEOUS ALL SWEATY AND IN TEARS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE IN LABOR?? & i’m still a creature?

Poor Patrick! He must be going as crazy as I am!

I DONT HAVE ASTHMA BUT I NEED AN INHALER BC I CANT BREATHE IM SO ANXIOUS OMG

IM NOT A SMOKER BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED A CIGG BC IM ABOUT TO LOSE IT

Trixie is doing Wilma’s makeup omg I can’t take this 😭💔💔

“I can’t believe I used to dream of this” OMG SHELAGH & SISTER J

“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did, and felt, and was.” ..“and how do you know that?” ..“ i wasn’t aware that I did until just now”

¡¡¡IM A W R E C K!!! l o v e that

SHE IS SINGING DORIS DAY’s SECRET LOVE AND I AM F*CKING DEAD GOODBYE

PATRICK SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR SOMEONE SEND H E L P IM DYING I BET IT’S “THEIR SONG” & YOU ARE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO MY FUNERAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EPISODE  

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT

“We can’t just be like any other couple.. because we’re us”

MY HEART WTF I SWEAR IT IS ABOUT TO BURST BUT IT’S NOT BEATING

IM DEAD INSIDE AND MY BODY WILL FOLLOW WHEN THIS IS OVER

Get in there Patrick!

“The children are here” .. to say goodnight omg no😢

OMG PATRICK HOLDING HER I AM FUCKING SCREAMING

“YOU CLEVER GIRL” OMGG WHO CALLED IT

I CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING TOO MANY TEARS IN MY EYES

IT’S A BOY I KNEW IT WELL I HAD A FEELING !

BABYTURNERLAND 2.0!!!! QUE LINDO DIOS TE BENDIGA 💖👼🏼

WHAT IS HIS NAME???

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF MY LIFE WOW I CANT PROCESS IT ALL

“May the lord bless you and keep you” OMGGG, JESUS HEIDI WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME ??!! I’ve never been so invested in a show or fictional characters’ lives like this 😭😭

I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEE THIS DAY AND IM HAVING SO MANY FEELS, I BARELY HAVE ANY THOUGHTS I AM S h o o k, I AM NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. JUST USELESS TRASH FOR CTM

WELL, ALMOST 19 YEARS OF LIVING WAS GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?

HONESTLY JUST PUT ME IN THE GARBAGE BC I HAVE NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY IM JUST GUSHING AND DYING

BUT SERIOUSLY LAURA MAIN IS I N C R E D I B L E AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD SO PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER @ THE EMMYS, THE SAGS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES & ALL OTHER AWARDS OF ALL PRESTIGE!!  STOP PLAYING GAMES & GIVE LAURA + CTM THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES  !! & no excuses it happened for downton!

NO WILMA IS DEAD NO

The pill is so great and useful and miraculous in a way but I’m glad they showed some of its issues but DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO KILL THE FIRST WOMEN THEY GAVE IT TO? I’m still here tho, I’m rolling

NO TOM DONT SAY THaT WTF? TRIXIE IS OVER U AND U ARE OVER HER don’t ruin the moment

why did I think bab’s dad was the rev Applebee Thornton 😭😂😂😂?? where’s Jane lol

My bby trixie serving looks as always 😍😍

Aw his daughter is cute

CHRISTOPHER LOOKS GOOD TOO UGH😍

What are knickerbocker glories?

lol Boots! lowkey want to go there to satisfy my 15 year old self who liked to watch British youtubers affordable makeup videos (tbh I still do when I’m bored)

REGGIE! OMG HE CALLED VI MUM I DIE

OH YEA THE WEDDING OMG LOL I DONT FORGOT FOR A SEC

IM STILL SCREAMING, MY FREAKING BBY JUST HAD A MIRACLE BABY !!!!! I LEGIT RAN OUT OF TEARS WHAT DO I DO

LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME MY GOD

THE GIRLS SINGING “HAPPY WEDDING DAY” TO BABS OMG THAT WAS GREAT, I NEED FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN AND IT DIDNT FINISH YET

LMAO TOM AND FRED HUNGOVER, relatable AF😂😭

SO IS TOM’S SURPRISE IS MONEY? Or is he going to buy her something!?

Barbara’s cape reminds me of Phoebe’s from FRIENDS

The stain glass !! love it

PHYLLIS LOOKS SO ADORABLE OMG HER BOUCLE SUIT AW

WHY A HEADBAND ON YOUR WEDDING DAY BABs? BUT good for them lol 😭 I don’t care enough at the moment  but let them be happy they’re so great for each other !

HE GOT A FUCKING CAROUSEL OMG

damn. Nice one Tom. I’m a little jealous, someone needs to love me like that.😭

“At times, the present seems most perfect when it seeds lie in the past. And others, life is rendered flawless when we look towards future, glimpsing from within one golden moment all the joys the days to come might hold” 💕😢😭

THE TURNERS, NOW A FAMILY OF 5 OMGGGGGGG 😭😭

THE NUNS SO PURE ❣️ lol obviously

“We can not stand still because the world keeps turning. Every year must give way to the next and it’s stories must be folded, tucked away like children’s clothes outgrown, cherished and never quite forgotten”

VANNESSA ALWAYS SAYS THE RIGHT THINGS UGH

Aw Angela with Tim!

My BBY SHELAGH IN HER BLUE OUTFIT WITH UNNAMED BABY TURNER ID CRY IF I COULD

“1962 was a year of great change at Nonnatus House, but there’s always change, everywhere, there are always new faces, new tears to shed, new joys to invest in , yet the circle of love is not broken, it expands.” YOU GOT THAT RIGHT🙏🏼👏🏼🙌🏻😭😭😢😢💖💖

I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL LIKE TOMORROW PLEASE

lol Val screaming it’s snowing 😭 same

PATSY!!!

SHE AND DELIA KISSED OMG

GOOD FOR THEM 😭

ALSO GOOD FOR ME bc I was tired of the same complaints that BBC broke them apart and Patsy was “sent away” nah man Emerald was busy!

“Love bares all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and love never ends”

THIS WAS INCREDIBLE WOW IM A MESS

IF I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE COMMISSONED FOR 3 MORE SERIES I’D THINK THIS WAS THE END??

BUT UGH NOW WE MUST WAIT

ANYWAY I SEE THE LIGHT FOLKS

IDK IF THIS IS HELL OR HEAVEN BUT I AM DEAD, I SEE THE EARTH BEHIND ME

TBH ITS PROB HELL

Someone throw me in the damn ground already!!

In loving memory of Gabby Nuñez (1998-2017) taken far too soon because of the emotional toll brought by call the midwife, she didn’t choose to get so emotionally invested it just happened. She is grateful for her time on earth, you may leave comments, flowers or send money. Thank you for putting up with her nonsense and foolishness *now someone give my eulogy & someone else may come up and sing a hymn to conclude*

[lesoleilxjulien]

hotel room, tokyo.

oK ;3; fsnfjsdfnjs i hope you you have a nice trip back home tomorrow then! you really have to travel a lot for your job omg o3o i can see that being nice bc different environments and such!! o3o bUT YO. she's pushing his buttons and he's just "dONT TOUCH ME" like im shaken. i forgot how awful marie can be. JuLIEN MY SON THOUGH OHMYGOD. i can finally spoil that one of the few pictures seen in the dispatch post are them holding hands. and ofc the going in hotel. so there is one thing julien can cri over. IM SO HURT.

OUO thank you! It's nice to go home but lol it's a little perk. I told Beth I was like IM SORRY I DONT FLY THIS MUCH FOR WORK THEY JUST NEED HELP I AM SORRY FOR HIATUS AFTER HIATUS. Also ugh Marie. Julien will legit cry ok. Like he's so sad when dax is all drunk and "hahhh yeah he went home with this pretty little thing. don't be surprised if he looks exhausted in the morning, she was hot af." And Jules is just /strained smile "....o-oh. good to know. goodnight." and he's just in the hotel hallway in pajamas getting a drink from the vending machine ok, he was not expecting this. he just goes back to his room and curls up and cries bc /wow ok maybe I was looking too much into it and he actually doesn't like me in that way lol what did I expect why am I crying in bed/ and tbh had he been drinking he probably would have pulled a Jerome and called Jerome's phone and left drunken voicemails of him crying and blubbering something incoherent

BUT RIIP NNOOO oHMYGOD im SO IN PAIN. but at the same time. all those realizations. Like why IS he crying over the fact that Jerome with a girl. Like. WHY. if they were /just/ very close friends it wouldn't be like this. and omg. pulling a jerome. if he would still be at maries hotel he would feel his phone buzzing in his backpocket. if its during his cab ride back he cant seem to answer the phone, his vocal cords not letting him, nor does his mind. omg he'd listen to it probably the second he wakes up from his broken sleep because of his alarm he didn't turn off. He'd see the many missed calls and left voicemails. He'd swallow loudly and listen quickly becAUSE WHY DID JULIEN CALL HIM? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HIM? DID MARIE JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HIM? and he'd hear him crying. marie hatred intensifies because he couldn't be there for julien omg and jerome just rushes out of his hotelroom to juliens. he asks idols walking around were he is and then insert them seeing each other wow

TBH. He's devastated at Jerome leaving with a girl but also upset at the fact that he's so hurt over it bc WHY SHOULD HE BE HURT HE SHOULD BE HAPPY JEROME FOUND SOMEONE. And Julien would have great technique when pulling a Jerome ok. He cries into the phone and Jerome's inbox is full and Julien's battery is dead and he fell asleep but woke up a little hungover with puffy eyes. He would instead just clean himself up and throw on his glasses and blame his allergies and sinuses ("Julien it's autumn there are no plants out" "I said it's allergies >>") but he'd prob be holed up in his room until he needs to be at the stadium. Jerome would probably find him as he's opening the door to put the room service tray outside and it's just them looking like shit but looking at each other and Julien just "...." /sniffles and straightens out while looking at Jerome "what's up?" And he's trying so hard to act like he's unbothered, like he didn't just bawl into his cellphone a few hours ago

ohmYGOD. It's such a confusing time because Julien doesn't have his feelings sorted out as clearly as Jerome has. (which only grew after that night let me tell u) and these feelings hit him and omg. bUT the blowing up of Jerome's phone. You don't knOW. how far his heart is up his throat because of the notifications on his phone screen. and ugh. He'd be so panicked. He could almost faint. All this added pressure to his brain wow. But when they see each other, and Jerome is just stood there staring at him, noticing the puffy eyes, the sniffles, staring straight through the façade, before a snap, a switch goes off in his mind that makes him drag the other back inside of his hotelroom, a total disregard of asking for permission and the door isn't even closed yet Jerome is holding his arm maybe a bit too tightly, standing close as he talks "Are you okay? Why did you call me? Did something happen? Tell me." and he'd say that in a string of words without a breath being taken, looking at him so intensely that wOW. He's in a weird place in his mind rn so he's all on edge and that also means on edge with emotional things and CARE INTENSIFIES.

TBH Julien's feelings are all just a gray puddle. He can't even begin to sift through all his emotions he just knows that he needs Jerome in his life. His eyes would go wide, a tiny gasp escaping as Jerome pulls him back inside with the door shutting behind them. Julien would look up at him, tears starting to well up in his eyes a little but he blinks them away and clears his throat. He can't hold Jerome's gaze rn, bc he will prob end up crying again. "Nothing happened. Just got drunk and lonely. Happens all the time." And he'd he'd move to wiggle his arm out of Jerome's grasp, gaze to his feet while clutching his arm. "I'm sorry if I bothered you last night with my calls, I guess you really were busy." mumbling softly. "But you don't have anything to worry about." It's so out of character for him because he's usually the type to just address things and be blunt about it to clear the air but things are always different when it comes to Jerome.

I'm in pAIN. The fact that he isn't telling him directly what is going on is very reminiscent, only with the roles reversed and Jerome gets a taste of how Julien felt when he couldn't admit he was falling in love with him. And Jerome is scared, the string of voicemails left on his phone having him in a panic. There is tension in his jaw again, but not in the way it had been when he was eye to eye with his ex. It's in the way of biting back emotions, seeing his eyes turn teary before his gaze left him. "You don't just cry without a reason when you're drunk and lonely." He says, voice just above a whisper as he looks at him with such a caring look that Julien misses when he looked away. "I should know." Admitting this, he searches for his eyes as he counters Juliens attempts to escape his hold by taking a hold of his other arm as well. "Tell me." He demands but there is a wavering in his voice, allowing his voice to grow softer and a bit more desperate. "Tell me please, I already regretted this night, don't make me regret it more." And he says that without thought, "Tell me why you called. Tell me why you cried." Julien looks at him then, whether its due to himself or due to Jerome cupping his chin and tilting his gaze up. "Tell me why you needed me." oh wow i wanted pain anyways

TBH it's actually their positions in reverse and it's literally the same reason too I'm crying. And Julien hates that Jerome is trying to reason with him about it. "Well I was drunk and alone so I felt lonely," he'd counter. Julien would bite on his lip, blinking to keep his tears from falling even more, and his gaze would fall on the way Jerome's hands grip onto his arms. He just needs a little coaxing to finally let his thoughts escape but he's still stubborn and he shakes his head when Jerome first asks him to tell him. He shakes his head again when Jerome asks him to tell him why he called and cried. And finally the third time Jerome asks him and Julien can turn away his resolve finally crumbles, tears starting to fall and "I was upset that you left with her!" he'd reply, covering his face to try and wipe his eyes "dax told me you went home with her and you didn't pick up and I-" and he'd stop bc he's starting to shake and sob and "I was upset, okay? Is that the answer you were looking for? The answer you wanted?" And ok yeah pain it just hit me heaves