#(not a problem I've ever had before)
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Psst, hey.
Hey you.
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Listen to what I'm about to say good and well, alright?
#out of queue#ani rambles#anti ai#anti ai art#solarpunk#solarpunk aesthetic#does this have the official backing of the other 2 event hosts? no i just made this meme on a whim#but also if you try submitting AI art and we find out? or worse if I can flat-out TELL its AI? I'm blocking your ass#one of the best artists I've ever had the pleasure of knowing won't touch the Solarpunk community with a 10 foot pole because of all the#goddamn AI art infiltrating this space. constantly. like even when I'm trying to be on the lookout for it I somehow reblog it anyways#even when I block the tags too!!!! this is a PROBLEM#you want more artists taking part in this community spreading the vision visualizing the future?#STOP REBLOGGING AI BULLSHIT AND CHASING THEM AWAY THEN#how are artists supposed to feel accepted and appreciated and loved by this community when every other piece under the tag is some fuckin#midjourney bs made my scrubbing the internet and spitting out a mishmash of other artists' works and ideas?#i have said it before I will say it again#i would rather see a messy pen scribble on the back of a coffee stained napkin with stickfigures than see some smooth smudgy AI BS again#this applies to AI writing too if I catch an INKLING that your short story even STARTED with some bs chatgpt ramblings you're blocked
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i wish i had the powers to convince myself that my writing is interesting
#trying to hop back into an attempt at a novel#and i have ideas and everything. plot plans even!!!!#but i am so emotionally disconnected from it and i just cannot get myself invested for anything#which hasn't really been a problem i've had before#how can i have PLOT PLANS but no CHARACTER FEELS#i feel like i've lost all the skills that once sustained me 😭#but also maybe i'm just perpetually exhausted from mid-30s-ism#dollsome's deep thoughts#i don't know if i'm ever going to be a writer y'all.#i'm starting to fear that all i'm ever gonna do with my life is be sleepy.
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Ok ok I think I've learned whatever lesson my chronic illness was meant to teach me and now it can leave
#had to excuse myself at the folk dance because swinging made me so dizzy after just one dance#(not a problem I've ever had before)#and then being dizzy made me nauseous and then I was about to cry because I was so mad I couldn't dance#still had a great time still glad I went#did almost puke the electrolyte drink I chugged bc I got back out there too fast#anyway I'm SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my life#chronic illness
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there's an essay jumbled up in my brain about dunmeshi's beginning and how clever and deceptive it is as a sleight-of-hand trick that distracts the audience from the depth and scope of the worldbuilding and foreshadowing that's being set up the entire time by dangling zany characters and wacky dishes and biology fun facts in front of us, and how that serves to catch invested viewers off guard when those elements come to the forefront, but also how it works against it with other viewers wanting "more" and not seeing it because the plot bait isn't laid out up front
how people getting frustrated with the characters "not taking things seriously" is mirrored and refuted in the confrontation between Laios and Shuro. how the characters' attitudes aren't just a result of shallow low-stakes "comedy rules" where nothing matters, but are an extension of their personalities (Laios's nonstandard expression of emotions being offputting even to people he knows) and the world and social environment (adventurers being desensitized to death and injury because resurrection magic is commonplace). the way the party refers to "saving Falin" instead of "retrieving Falin's corpse," indicating that they still see her with full personhood, and how that phrasing leads to some readers/viewers believing that Falin is alive in the dragon's stomach, conscious of being slowly digested while the party carelessly fucks around "wasting time." how the weird tonal dissonance makes sense in-universe and yet is deliberately challenged more and more the deeper the party goes
all the character building and pieces of lore slowly weaving together the shape of the larger world, laying the groundwork for the major themes that will surface later. so much is right there in the "low-stakes" early episodes if you know what you're looking for (or pass the perception checks).
it can be so satisfying to see new viewers/readers pick up on the clues even in the earliest "simple" episodes, or notice new things and make connections yourself....and it can also be frustrating to see people dismiss oddities and dissonance as shallow or bad writing because they don't expect a "cooking anime" to have depth like that. why try to question and understand and peel back the layers when you don't expect there to be any layers?
why can't laios take things seriously for once?
#mypost#i'm majorly out of practice for doing any real critical cohesive writing lol#trying to put this into coherent words has been such a mess so here's a vague gesture at my thought process about it#it's both my favorite and the most frustrating thing to see#because i've seen SO MANY people say they dropped the show after a couple eps thinking they know what it's about and where it's going#a cute but ultimately unsustainable gimmick#people for whom the characters and the food/biology infodumping weren't enough of a hook#but i wouldn't change anything about the structure to put a more obvious plot hook in the beginning#because it would give the game away TOO much#i LOVE how the audience has to acclimate to the characters' attitudes about death#only for our assumption that it's all normal and fine in this world to be thrown back in our faces#how we're left to notice the winged lion appearing in statues and carvings and coins and armor in the background#long long before it's ever brought up as a real entity by the plot#the history of the kingdom laid out in plain view but nevermind that. magic painting food!#i've seen the language around falin and her resurrection cause so much confusion#but of COURSE the characters involved wouldn't directly say 'we need to get her corpse to revive it'#bc pragmatically they already understand that as their goal. it doesn't need to be stated out loud; it's just how this process works.#but also they don't SEE her as an object. a dead body.#they need to 'save her before she's digested.' 'the spell couldn't reach her in the dragon's stomach.' 'hang in there falin'#death isn't real to them. not really. and so it doesn't quite feel real to the audience either#not until they find her skull and that realization slams home#like......i keep comparing it to gravity falls#which is episodic and goofy in the beginning but also has a much more obvious plot hook to keep people interested#(a main character entering a secret bunker indicating that he's lying about his ignorance of the town's mysteries)#the main characters in gravity falls are AWARE that there is a mystery to be solved and are trying to find more information#but i don't think that approach would work as well for dm!#laios's goals were never that lofty. not until they HAD to be because the situation demanded it of him#it's the characters trying to solve one personal problem and finding themselves entrenched in something vast and dramatic#that they weren't even fully AWARE of when they set out. and we the audience are on that journey with them!#it's SUCH a good structure i wouldn't trade it for anything. but also. tragic to see people give up and dismiss it so fast.
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i love sincerely love working with dungeon meshi's magic system and the way mana sickness is depicted, like it has the breadth and scope for some truly powerful and wacky fun shit, but you can also easily bring down the hammer when you want to put the characters in difficult situations they can't get out of without a little creativity. i found when writing for baldur's gate 3 that, unless i was in a modified setting, i was hard-pressed thinking up fun ways for characters to solve their problems without just using magic, especially for the small things. i mean, what fun is throwing a character into a river and needing to warm them up when you can just cast prestidigitation?? it's one of the first things a novice can learn and also it's a cantrip, it literally costs nothing!
#dungeon meshi#not that im thinking of throwing anyone into a river or anything 👀#but like for example i was reading this one fic where character A had gotten injured in a fight and there was blood everywhere#and they needed to hide the mess from character B for angst reasons#and i thought 'ooooohh character A isn't going to get it cleaned up fast enough and character B is going to find the blood#but then i remembered oh ya ... character A can just clean it all away with a snap of their fingers#and it took the wind right out of my sails haha#i suppose that's just a gale girlie problem tho 🥺#that moment in the sick fic where kabru had to debate if it was worth it to dry off his shirt#like i loved having the opportunity to write him running a cost benefit analysis like that haha#dm isn't like the first series to equate depleted mana as fatigue or anything and forgotten realms has spell slots#but idk the way mana sickness is depicted just really works for me#especially having healing potentially hurting just as bad as the injury itself that FUCKS and idk if i've ever seen that before 🤔#side note this is also why the magic system in hunter x hunter is one of the best in any piece of media ever
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people really do not know what they're talking about when it comes to Elizabeth Woodville's social status, huh?
#yes Elizabeth was without a doubt considered too low-born to be queen#no she was not a commoner and nobody actually called her that during her life (so I'm not sure why people are claiming that they did?)#Elizabeth's social status was not a problem in itself; it was a problem in the context of queenship and marrying into royalty#Context is important in this and for literally everything else when it comes to analyzing history. Any discussion is worthless without it.#obviously pop culture-esque articles claiming that she was 'a commoner who captured the king's heart' are wrong; she wasn't#But emphasizing that ACTUALLY she was part of the gentry with a well-born mother and just leaving it at that as some sort of “GOTCHA!”#is equally if not more irresponsible and entirely irrelevant to discussions of the actual time period we're studying.#Elizabeth *was* considered unworthy and unacceptable as queen precisely because of her lower social status#her father and brother had literally been derided as social-climbers by Salisbury Warwick and Edward himself just a few years earlier#the Woodvilles' marriage prospects clearly reflected their status (and 'place') in society: EW herself had first married a knight and all#siblings married within the gentry to people of a similar status. compare that to the prestigious marriages arranged after EW became queen#Elizabeth having a lower social status was not 'created' by propaganda against her; it fueled and shaped propaganda against her#that's a huge huge difference; it's irresponsible and silly to conflate the two as I've seen a recent tumblr post cavalierly do#like I said she was considered too low-born to be queen long before any of the propaganda Warwick Clarence or Richard put out against her#and the fact that Elizabeth was targeted on the basis of her social status was in itself novel and unprecedented#no queen before her was ever targeted in such a manner; Clearly Elizabeth was considered notably 'different' in that regard#(and was quite literally framed as the enemy and destroyer of 'the old royal blood of this realm' and all its actual 'inheritors' like..)#ngl this sort of discussion always leaves a bad taste in my mouth#because it's not like England and France (et all) are at war or consider each other mortal enemies in the 21st century#both are in fact western european imperialistic nations who've been nothing but a blight to the rest of the world including my own country#yet academic historians clearly have no problem contextualizing the xenophobia that medieval foreign queens faced as products of their time#and sympathizing with them accordingly (Eleanor of Provence; Joan of Navarre; Margaret of Anjou; etc)(at least by their own historians)#Nor were foreign queens the “worst” targets of xenophobia: that was their attendants or in times of war commoners or soldiers#who actually had to bear the brunt of English aggression#queens were ultimately protected and guaranteed at least a veneer of dignity and respect because of their royal status#yet once again historians and people have no problem contextualizing and understanding their difficulties regardless of all this#so what is the problem with contextualizing the classism *Elizabeth* faced and understanding *her* difficulties?#why is the prejudice against her constantly diminished & downplayed? (Ive never even seen any historian directly refer to it as 'classism')#after all it was *Elizabeth* who was more vulnerable than any queen before her due to her lack of powerful foreign or national support#and Elizabeth who faced a form of propaganda distinctly unprecedented for queens. it SHOULD be emphasized more.
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opening the group chat for the first time today and there's like 200 new messages because everyone's Going Through It today it seems but one of my friends dropped 'I'm separating from [terrible boyfriend she's been living with for like eight years] for real this time, I just moved a bunch of stuff to my parents' and I'm losing my mind because y'all the subject changed almost immediately HEY HI EVERYBODY ELSE SHUT THE FUCK UP I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THAT???
#'I moved my stuff and my dog' can't leave the pup behind! 'I had to last winter and it was a big reason I wound up going back' HELLO--#was he holding your fucking dog over your head. I will kill the man?????#I DIDN'T KNOW SHE'S TRIED TO LEAVE HIM BEFORE??#I'm-- so-- okay listen. admittedly I am of course simply nosy. of course I am.#but also I have never liked david Ever. justin and I were LITERALLY talking DAYS ago about Worrying About Her being stuck with him#because she moved TO CALIFORNIA with him and he was being a piece of shit then and she had NOBODY out there#and now they're in denver and like. it's his house it's his money etc etc it's a really... logistically difficult situation#but at least she's made some friends in denver and convinced her parents to move out there so she's not COMPLETELY unsupported#like she was in CA#my point is: I'm nosey but I'm also INVESTED. I fucking hate this guy darling I've wanted you to leave him this entire goddamn time#she's talked *a little* about problems with him before but also we've been around him before and he's just generally awful#and it's. like. I'm so so so fucking glad you're moving in with your parents but also. genuinely are you OKAY--#MAN AND ALSO. EVEN IF IT WASN'T 'I HATE THIS GUY AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THE BREAKING POINT WAS--'#THIS IS A SERIOUS LONGTERM RELATIONSHIP? IT ENDING IS A BIG DEAL REGARDLESS?? WHY DID WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT SO FAST HELLO#.... actually I've identified the source of my Wanting More Details#which is: hey babe are you in a phase of this where hearing about how much he fucking sucks shit would be upsetting or affirming.#because I wanna tell you how fucking happy I am that you're leaving him. because he's a piece of shit and you deserve better than that.#ARE YOU IN AN EMOTIONAL SPACE TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I AM SCOOPING YOU INTO MY ARMS LIKE THE CAT SAMURAI MEME.#AND THREATENING THIS MAN WITH A SWORD. BECAUSE HE'S TERRIBLE. CAN I GET A VIBE CHECK THERE. SHOULD I WAIT--
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i'm kind of amazed how most of the stardew marriage candidates just want you to be their manic pixie dream whatever by agreeing with everything they like and plying them with compliments or praise or whatever (which is fine but a bit. Much) but for shane his romance is just you being there for him while he figures his own shit out... dunno why i never wanted to romance him before he's so good
#i'm usually a sebastian kinda guy but i do think it's silly you have to say you like scifi to gain friendship points w him like cmon man#i will say though that. my bestie's baby daddy being named shane kinda does make it hard to like him 😭 unfortunate but not his fault#ik a lot of ppl are weird abt his recovery and his messy ass room bc they play stardew to make things look pretty or whatever#but i'm actually kind of glad he's a realistic depiction of addiction... the problem is his dependence on indulging in alcohol when he's#depressed not the fact that he drinks period... i think that a lot of ppl are unrealistic abt alcoholism (including me abt my dad's)#but concernedape did really good w him imo. anyways all this to say that i'm really glad shane never expects someone to be a certain way#i know most of the candidates are like. archetypes or whatever and i think that's fine they are very sweet and cute regardless but#i think maybe i didnt romance him before bc i related to him so badly that it hurt seeing myself reflected LMAO dead end life and being#suicidal about it like. i've never had a drug dependence but i'm not really in a position where i can ever make my own decisions anyways#but regardless. there is smth to someone who slowly warms up to you when they can't ignore your kindness any longer and have no reason to#act like an abused dog anymore which. does make me sad just to say but that is how he acts beforehand#idkkkkk idk i think people are always too caught up with his addiction and his messy room to actually see him without realizing that#getting better is a lot harder than it appears and that having a dirty room doesn't mean you aren't trying to be better. sigh#besides it's not like. the end of the world that he has a beer sometimes. have you tried going thru life completely sober? it sucks#ok im done LMAO but yeah i've found myself gravitating towards him this time around when i've romanced sebastian literally every playthru#til now. hmm!#ACTUALLY ONE MORE THING. i like how he's basically a twist on the classic useless husband trope in media where they love sports and drinking#but he's not a bad person and the only reason he's mean to you at first is because he hates himself and his own life and he makes an effort#the more you get close to him instead of the opposite. i like that a lot. ok now i'm done
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SoD, god rest its soul, prepared me for almost any and all kind of MMO bullshittery
#every complaint i see abt SSO these days 99% percent of the time im like#oh yeah lol SoD had that too but 10x worse lmao#not that people SHOULDN'T be addressing the problems with SSO or any other MMO#but like. with this new stuff rising up w/ ppl being like with 'SSO'S STORY IS SOOOOO BAD'#i've been over here with a pen and paper ready to fix plotholes since i started playing like 'ah shit. here we go again'#a while back i saw a video thumbnail of an SoD review calling it the WORST MMO EVER???? (before it sunsetted)#and me- avid SoD fan- was like#lol yeah probably#shut up wren#my art#sso#star stable online#star stable
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"It is what it is."
- said my doctor while discussing my ongoing health concerns 🙃
#gotta love a doctor's appointment before work#she's honestly one of the best specialists i've ever had#but sometimes all you can do is laugh#spoonie#chronically ill#heds#invisible disability#health problems#cw doctors#cw health#healthcare#about lynna
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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Whoever decided it was a good idea to bake a pie on a fucking wednesday afternoon is a goddamn clown and should be dropkicked into the sun
#🤡#it's me#god it was SO much more complicated than i thought!#i baked pie just a few weeks ago and there was no problem so i figured today would be the same but nooOoO#i can't function in a dirty kitchen so I had to do the dishes first and let my ingredients thaw as most are stuff i buy or gather on sale#and then use when i have energy or want to#but yeah i did the dishes for like an hour and a half yesterday so in my brain baking a pie would just be as easy as me going to the kitchen#and getting started! meanwhile i forgot mom cooked dinner yesterday and somehow that woman uses every goddamn pot and pan in the house when#she cooks#so i had to clean that up plus glasses and utensils and stuff we used since yesterday afternoon#anyway then i started on the actual fucking pie and i semi followed a recipe this time and it called for one and a half TEAspoons of#cinnamon but last time i baked a pie i was just going off my own brain and i used half a TABLESPOON so like. same fucking thing basically#but my brain read the recipe and was like oh that's kind of a lot. double checked yep that says tablespoons okay i mean sally hasnt led me#astray before in it goes THEN MY BRAIN READS IT RIGHT and I'm like fuck#that said 1.5 teaspoons not 1.5 tablespoons#and i had dumped it in on top of other unmixed spices so i couldnt just scoop it out#anyway i think i managed to save it maybe? drained a lot of liquid and reduced it instead and i tasted an apple and it was good though i#havent tried the reduction yet and i only added a little to the pie#AND THEN FOR SOME REASON I DECIDED TO DO A LATTICE CRUST. EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY EVER DONE IT ONCE BEFORE#and did i look at a guide? nope. it took forever#anyway girlie is finally in the oven and if it turns out bad I'm throwing out my oven#my post#baking#this took so much more energy than i was expecting it to#it better be fucking good!
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recent things
#With the heatwave combined with being ill for like an entire week it seems I've lost like 16 days this month#where I basically did barely anything... grrr.... The passage of time... My Enemy...#Now that I can finally hold down food and stuff I'm feeling a little better mostly and my sickness has probably passed. But I still#feel weird a little bit like.. some lingering weakness or something. I think I'm just already having so many Problems at all times even in#my 'Normal' state that whenever I get sick or something my whole system is thrown off for a while lol#I'm supposed to be writing like 2000 words a day still ghbjhb... I've had multiple days of maybe 1000 - 1500. And a lot of days#where I write maybe 20 - 300. I've still been chipping away at the same single quest dialogue for all 20 something#days this month so.. AUGH.. Though that also counts the 16 days I did nearly nothing but be sick and overheated#I finally edited that whole big sims video I wanted to post!!! but now there's an issue with it ... T o T#My fault for still almost exclusively using windows movie maker in 2024 lol.. but HHHHhh.. It's like every once in a while randomly#a fully edited video will not be able to be exported. so evil for this to happen to my first sims build tour in a while. but alas..#ANYWAY... I have been slowly working on little things here and there.. in my little scraps of time.. Wishing to be fully productive at#some point. Maybe I can finally finish and post some things soon. like costume photos or sims videos and etc.#BUT HEY.. that solitaire thing is crazy to me.. I don't think I've ever finished a challenge in under 20 seconds#before. huzzah.. tripeaks squad.. OH.. and an image of#curly tail boye.............. he..... I took him to the vet for a check up and he seems surprisingly okay for a 16 year old. except he has#a mild thyroid issue or something so I'll have to give him medicine. But every time he goes in I'm always expecting them to be like#Sorry. Your Son Is Truly Doomed. or etc. so I'm always shocked when he's fine... a strange boy with many strange behaviors#so I can never tell if he's just Being Weird or if he's sick or soemthing ghjbjh#Also the bad thing about never ending summer heat is that when it IS finally cool for a few days. I don't want to do ANYTHING. It's like wh#n it's hot I feel too sick to do anything. And then when it's cooler I'm like 'OUU the first cool day in WEEKS.. i want to just relax and#fully ENJOY the coolness..'' So it's always constant warfare with my body like.. NO ..we cannot SLEEP. We must utilize this small patch#of Non Heatwave to finally be productive and finish things while we don't feel sick. But then it's like ''ohoho...to lay in the cold air of#the morning restfully.. i shall have a little nap with a blanket on for once.. perhaps.. tee hee'' Always at war with the Tired Sleepy#it seems. AAAANyway...... grr............ slowly finishing things. still usually missing my target writing goals..#Hopefully will have some actual art or costumes or something to post soon. Fumbling through the summer weather as usual lol
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#kirby#food#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#it's our partner's last day in town for now so they decided to make lots and lots of food for us to freeze :>#(I asked them before they came down if they'd be willing to)#(what with the meltdown I had last weekend about not being physically able to obtain food for myself)#(they were very enthusiastic about it and made me soooo much food)#(I've got 3 containers of mongolian bbq beef and rice)#(and like a dozen fresh-ish spring rolls)#(and biscuits and smoothies and sandwiches)#(they made some food for my wife too (since they are her partner too hence 'our'))#they have both been doing their best to make sure I'm fed ever since I told my wife it was a problem#I am very loved <3#(that does mean they're leaving in the morning though :c )#(but we're really hoping they can move in with us this summer.)#(we'll know where we're moving in about 4 1/2 weeks.)#(and then we can work out if they can come with us or if they'll have to wait.)#favorites
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#super freaking out cos my friend who is a vet has offered me a job at her practice as a care assistant#so my job would just be to do all the little jobs. help looking after the animals. cleaning. sometimes calling patients etc#it's a fantastic opportunity but it looks so much more difficult then anything i've ever done before#and on the one hand i'm like ''yes! i love animals! i need a steady income! this is perfect!''#but on the other... i haven't been at my current job that long. so it feels like a dick move to up and leave.#i don't know if i'd be able to cope with the animals dying all the time. some of the stuff i'd have to do looks really technical#and i'm scared i'll do it wrong (eg put the wrong label on the wrong medicine) and it'll lead to an animal dying#like it's a proper full time monday-friday 9-5 kinda gig#which is great cos my current job is a ''are we gonna give you more than 2 days next week?? who knows! it's a supprise!!''#and that situation is stressing me out. so i do need something different#but this is like a proper serious job. and idk that's scary#plus my friend would be my boss. which i don't mind. but i dont want her to vouch for me and then i'm terrible at it...#cos that's not fair on her#they've offered me a trial shift next week. so i guess i could do that and just scope it out..#it also feels like nepotism which doesn't super sit right#but it's not a sure thing. the other vets and practice owners have to agree and they may not like me. it's not like i have experience#and it's only a low paid position so if its nepotism its not like... super beneficial nepotism...#sigh. i know i should go for it. just last time i went for a big different job like this it ended badly#and i ended up back in retail.#so i don't wanna go thru that all again#but i also dont wanna stay working in this shop forever. it wouldn't be too bad if only i had regular hours. .#and i knew what those hours were more than a week in advance#i know this is like.. a non-problem. i'm just stressing about it#plus its making me feel guilty whenever i go into my current job. like i'm cheating on them#i do need that regular income tho#screams in anxiety
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when the only thing keeping u alive is the Known Consequences of failed attempts, so all ur friends are worried as fuck, but it absolutely definitely Is keeping u alive and will continue to do so indefinitely, so the NHS goes "well ur fine then" despite my situation being Too Complex* for my support network & any other options?
thats always fun
and by fun i mean i have been at rock bottom for Months, and i will stay here because the threat of "still feeling exactly like this and Also having to deal with the aftermath of an attempt" is genuinely enough to work with given how many times i have experienced it, but that means im fuckin Stuck at rock bottom indefinitely.
"Its just a cry for help" Should be a derogatory comparison, but towards the system that won't help people until they attempt, not towards the people taking the last desperate leap.
[also once again for the piss on the poors: i am in fact going to stay alive please do not panic i am just gonna be grumpy about it for the forseeable]
#mental health tw#suicidal ideation tw#like I've tried and failed enough times to not want to risk it#but ''the only thing worse than dying is not dying'' does Not illicit the response from mh professionals that it really should#*(and I don't mean Woe Is Me Nobody Has Ever Had My Problems Before#i mean ''i have a dissociative disorder & cptsd which is a Lot for untrained professionals to deal with'''#and ''everything driving me to the edge is tangible and Keeps Fucking Happening and can only be helped by the people causing it'')
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