#(no judgement i had a really fun time either way i wasn't just there to bone lol)

[skullfaggot]

thinking about being drunk at a show and you catch my eye. we've been exchanging looks all night before i raise my eyebrow and nod towards the men's room. after a night of suggestive glances you bolt straight for it while i follow close behind. i pull you into the stall and you immediately fall into your knees and unzip my pants. you tell me how much you've been thinking about me all night and you'll let me do whatever i want to you and my brain immediately short circuits as i pull my underwear down just enough to shove your face onto my cock. "you must be one of those tumblr faggots, aren't you? those are my favorite kind. always begging and crying on the internet about how badly they need to be fucked and bred. how about you show me your blog and i'll fuck your face while i read out every single disgusting post on there. especially the ones where you talk about getting fucked by random strangers."

[avatar-anna]

Baby Mine

or just young dadrry being a dad

Young Dad! Harry x Young Mom! Reader

Reality struck Harry in the face when he realized Y/n was showing.

The text he got from Y/n saying she was pregnant? Mind-blowing, but also a little surreal. The conversations he had with his parents and management? An out of body experience. But seeing Y/n with a baby bump for the first time, with his baby? His knees nearly buckled from the stark realization that this was actually happening.

He was going to be a dad.

It was a terrifying thought. Harry was still a kid himself—in all the ways that mattered, anyway. He played video games with his mates, he stayed out late on the weekends, and it felt like just yesterday that he'd gotten his driver's license. He could barely successfully cook pasta, let alone take care of his own child.

And Y/n, the girl he'd only known for a short couple months. The girl he really liked to the point where he still talked to her even after his trip to LA was over, she was here with him, on tour, walking around in his hotel room in one of his t-shirts, her stomach stretching the soft material just enough to be noticeable.

"I thought we could have dinner together," she said, coming over to where Harry was still holding vigil by the door. "I was craving Mexican and I remembered you saying you liked tacos, so I did a little exploring, and voila."

His eyes darted over Y/n's shoulder, and there were in fact various Mexican dishes wrapped up in foil packaging. It smelled good too, but it wasn't quite enough to pull Harry from his stupor.

"I...I'm meeting someone. The boys. For dinner," he said.

It wasn't quite enough to pull his head out of his ass apparently, either.

"Oh."

Y/n blushed, her gaze flickering away from his. Harry felt like a dick, especially since it wasn't true. But he freaked out. He was freaking out. Playing house—or hotel—with a girl he barely knew and pretending it was perfectly normal for them to prepare to have a baby together was too much. All of a sudden, it was all too much.

"Have—Have fun, then. I'll probably head back to my room, I guess."

It was painfully awkward, but Harry didn't know how to make it better. So, like the grown adult he wasn't, he mumbled a reply and skirted around Y/n to set his duffle bag down before mumbling his goodbyes and leaving again.

He was gone for maybe an hour. While he was gone, he walked around aimlessly, letting himself get lost in an unfamiliar city. And in all that walking, he gave himself time to think.

Harry knew he'd been an ass. Y/n hadn't done anything wrong, and knowing that he disappointed her made him upset. Because the truth was, he really liked her. She shared his stupid sense of humor, she liked the music he liked, she had a cute little birthmark on her right shoulder that Harry couldn't help but feel compelled to kiss whenever he saw it. She was beautiful and smart and outgoing.

And now she was having his baby.

They were both to blame for that. Both of them had been careless that particular night, but Y/n had been clear to Harry when she told him about her being pregnant. "I want to have it, but I'm also not going to force you to have it with me," she'd told him when they eventually had a phone conversation. "I don't, like, expect anything from you, but I just didn't think it would be right if I kept this a secret from you."

"How did your parents take it?" Harry had asked because her voice contained a steely nerve that was deflecting non-existent judgement.

"Not great, but they'll come around. Eventually. I hope."

She'd said the last part so quietly, as if she wasn't truly sure her parents would actually accept the fact that their daughter was pregnant.

"I want to help," he blurted.

Y/n had looked at him with wide eyes, and a pang of guilt lanced through him at her surprise. She'd genuinely thought he'd leave her high and dry.

"Help?"

"I—I want to be a part of this, or help you raise it—the baby. I want to help. Like we're a team—Not a team. Like a—"

"A team. I like that."

Harry had been glad to be put out of his misery, though to his credit, he never imagined ever having this conversation, and he at least hadn't cried yet.

"You do?"

"Yeah. I think family is too much right now," Y/n said. "But a team...a team looks out for each other. Makes each other better."

So they were a team, though clearly Harry had been dropping the ball recently.

He was just...scared. Terrified. But he could only imagine what Y/n was thinking, how she was feeling. Since she'd joined him on tour, they talked about everything but the baby. Whether that was conscious or subconscious on either of their parts, Harry wasn't sure, but he knew they couldn't skirt around the subject forever. When he first told his mum about Y/n being pregnant, Harry insisted that he could do this, that he was grown enough to raise a baby. He wasn't exactly sure how true that statement was, but one thing he did know was that he could do much better than he was now.

When he got back to the hotel, Y/n was spread out along the plush sofa, eyes closed and arm resting idly on her belly. Harry wasn't so scared at seeing the bump this time around. In fact, a part of him was a little excited.

Y/n startled a little when Harry knelt by her side, her eyes bleary and a little red. "Sorry. I was gonna go, but I sat down for a moment and—"

"Nothing to be sorry for," Harry interrupted. "I'm sorry, actually. I was kind of an ass earlier."

Shaking her head, she said, "We don't owe each other anything. It's not like we're—"

"But I want to. I know things have been a little awkward, but I like you, Y/n. A lot. That hasn't changed."

"Really?" Y/n asked, and Harry felt bad when she sounded so unsure.

"Really. We...obviously didn't expect this to happen, but I want this. With you. Even if we are a little young and out of our depth here."

Y/n laughed. "Try a lot."

Harry grinned, resting his hand over hers where she was still holding her belly. "But we'll learn. Together. We're a team, right?"

Her eyes softened then. She ran a hand through his curls, the touch delicate but comforting, and Harry couldn't help but lean into her touch. "Yeah. We're a team."

They stayed like that for a minute, maybe two, but Harry eventually straightened, his grin widening as he said, "Right then. We should welcome the newest member of our team, shouldn't we?"

Y/n giggled as Harry shuffled around until he was face to face with Y/n's stomach. He lifted her shirt gently, his breath catching when he saw the baby bump up close.

"Hello there...baby. I'm Harry. Your dad," he said, only feeling a little silly. "You don't have a name yet, but I just wanted you to know that I love you, and your mum loves you, and even though we're a little on the young side, we're gonna take care of you the best we can. And so will your uncles."

"That was sweet, H," Y/n said, her fingers tracing the side of his cheek. "And...I do have a name in mind."

"You do? I didn't know that."

Y/n gave him a smile that felt like she was teasing him. "Because I'm telling you now. I've been testing it out in my head for a few days."

If Harry thought the baby bump made all of this real, talking about potential names would definitely do that. But whether he was ready or not, this was happening.

"Alright. Hit me with it."

A small smile creeped onto Y/n's face. "Simone."

"Simone," Harry repeated, trying it out for himself. "How'd you land on Simone?"

Y/n shrugged casually, but Harry knew that she put thought into it, that this name meant something to her. "It's pretty, and, I don't know, we talked about Nina Simone on our first date. It seemed right."

Thinking about their first proper date gave Harry butterflies. He remembered how nervous he was to go out with Y/n, spending an embarrassing amount of time picking out the right clothes and fixing his hair. But when he actually met her at the spot they agreed on, all his nerves went away, and he spent the whole date marveling at the fact that he was on a date with Y/n and all the things they had in common and how he didn't want it to end.

"It's perfect," Harry agreed, then bent his head to kiss Y/n's belly. "Hi, Simone. I can't wait to meet you."

A few months later

"Do you want to hold her?"

Y/n was in her hospital bed, hair hanging limp around her shoulders. She looked tired beyond belief, but she was smiling brightly at Harry as she held a little bundle of blankets, one of which was his mother's handiwork, Harry realized.

He found himself nodding, and before he was maybe ready, Y/n passed the baby over to him, and he was holding her. His daughter.

Harry looked down, a swirl of emotions squeezing his heart. She was asleep, the world's tiniest hand pressed against her cheek while she took deep breaths. Logically, he knew she didn't have any distinguishable features yet, but Harry felt like he could see himself and Y/n in her. Just gazing at her little face, he felt like he could see the next fifteen years playing out—the first words and steps, seeing Y/n holding her backstage, recitals and sports games, school projects, first loves, all of it.

An overwhelming feeling Harry couldn't name washed over him. It brought tears to his eyes as he realized just how much he loved her, how much he was willing to bend over backwards and protect her. And when he was able to break away from looking at her for a second, he found Y/n's gaze and saw the same look in her eyes, and one of understanding too.

Harry looked back down at his daughter, that overwhelming feeling rushing through him again, and for a moment, he wondered if that would ever go away. He wasn't sure he wanted it to.

"Hi baby," he whispered. Bending his head down, he kissed her forehead. "Hi, Simone. Welcome to our little family."

He knew Y/n was listening, but he didn't mind. It felt right that it was just the three of them sharing this little moment before everyone else flooded in to see the baby.

"We're a little unconventional as far as families go, and you'll probably have a different childhood than other kids," he said, not caring that Simone couldn't hear or understand him. He needed to say it. "But I'll love you with all my heart, and so will your mummy. You'll want for nothing because we'll give you the world, but you might have to be a little patient with us because we're new to the parenting thing.

"But I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy," he continued, his voice breaking. "I'll never let you feel unloved. I'll change your nappies and wipe your tears and make you smile. I'll be the best daddy for you. I promise."

Harry didn't know what the future held, but that he was sure of. He'd been scared and anxious the last few months, but now that he was standing in a hospital room holding his newborn daughter, he didn't want to give her, or Y/n, anything less than what they deserved.

Years later

"Dad, you're squeezing too hard."

"I don't care. My baby's abandoning me."

"I'm going to college!"

"That's what I said, isn't it?"

Simone began to squirm, but Harry still wouldn't let up. He was currently in the process of blinking back tears, and didn't want her to notice when he eventually did pull away.

"I'll be back for Fall Break," she said quietly, giving into the hug and squeezing Harry tight.

Harry took a deep breath and let go, even though he wasn't exactly ready to. Mustering a smile, he said, "I know. I'm just going to miss you. You're my baby."

Simone didn't balk or roll her eyes or contradict him, she just gripped the straps of her backpack as she gave him a wobbly smile. "You have plenty of babies to take care of at home."

Harry grinned and looked behind him where Y/n was keeping watch over the rest of the Styles family, though none of them were really babies anymore.

Looking back at Simone, he said, "Behave yourself, okay? Don't do anything Uncle Louis would do. And no boys for at least a month, please?"

Simone did roll her eyes then. "Sure, Dad."

That wasn't totally convincing, but he knew it was the best he was going to get. Harry pulled Simone in for one last hug, memories of the last eighteen years playing in his mind like a fast forward reel. Part of him couldn't believe he was already dropping Simone off for her first year of college, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to let her go. When he looked at her, he could still see the little baby he held for the first time, the one he promised to protect and do his best to raise. He hoped he fulfilled that promise.

"I love you, bug. Call me if you need anything. Any time, any place, you call me, okay?"

Tears appeared in Simone's eyes as she nodded. When Harry was ready, he finally stepped back and walked back toward Y/n and the rest of his family. As everyone got in the car Simone watched, waving to her siblings from the curb until Harry eventually peeled out of his spot, feeling like he was leaving part of his heart behind.

"Can we get something to eat?"

"In-N-Out!"

"There's no In-N-Out here!"

"A burger does sound good."

"Skip the song, please!"

"Play One Direction!"

Harry smiled as he shared a look with Y/n. He already missed Simone, but he knew she would be okay. And he found that it was easier—not by a lot but easier—to miss someone when there were five other babies, who weren't really babies anymore, to look after.

[doe-eyed-fool]

Fear Of The Known

Lucifer x Fem!Angel!Reader

|Chapter Seven|

Warning: Drinking, Angst

Y/n and Michael set across from each other in the breakfast nook. She made some tea, in hopes to help relax Michael a bit. He looked so tired, and yet he was so tense. Almost alert.

"Is there something wrong?" Y/n asks carefully. Michael looked up from his tea at her. "I don't know yet." He sighs. Y/n furrows her brows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Michael leaned back in his seat slightly. "Father called a meeting with me and my brothers, along with his other trusted angels. And telling from recent events it was not a...pleasant meeting. Not at all." Michael says as he brings a hand up to his head.

"I've never seen father so frazzled. With all this talk of, secret exterminations and that hotel ran by Lucifer's daughter. We were there for hours just trying to find a way to settle this mishap, and then we had to discuss what would be done with Sera. Oh and then, of course, the back and forth of what we should do about that hotel situation. I just..." Michael's hand ran down his face as he groaned.

"What did you decide?" Y/n asks. "About?" Michael raises an eyebrow. "Um, the hotel. The idea of redemption, it seems impossible. But then again, every possibility has the chance of becoming true." Said Y/n. "I'd know..."

Michael was silent for a moment. "It's a nice thought. But Hell exists for a reason. A place for all evil to reside. Humans are given the chance to be better, and when they die, divine judgement awaits. Whether or not they make it up here or down there, is up to them. The afterlife given is the afterlife they will live for eternity. There is no changing that."

Y/n looks down at her cup of tea. "I suppose it is a nice thought." She then inhales before standing from the table. "Michael, I think we both need a vacation."

Michael chuckles. "Yeah? You think we'd get more of them, considering this is paradise." Y/n crosses her arms with a smirk. "I also think tea isn't what we need right now." She looks over her shoulder. "Do you drink?"

"Not often. I can't even remember my last one." Said Michael. Y/n walks to the wine cabinet and looks for her best bottle. Y/n wasn't much of a drinker either, only really having one with dinner occasionally. But it was nice to have every now and then.

She picks up a bottle and grabs two glasses and returns to the table. "Has God made any sort of decision yet?" She asks. Michael shook his head. "No, but he's assured us we will have an answer soon."

Y/n pours each of them a glass. "Well until then, let's actually try to relax for once." Michael smiles and takes his glass. "Let's."

The two of them might have a tad too much, and Michael, being the responsible man he was, decided to cut himself and Y/n off. "Alright, this was fun. But." Michael stands from the table. "Bed time."

Y/n, half asleep and slightly tipsy, groaned. "Mhm..." Michael helped her out of the chair, holding her tight so she doesn't stumble. He then picked her up and walked to her bedroom. He walks inside her room and lays her on the bed carefully. Y/n yawned and closed her eyes.

As he was turning to leave, Y/n grabbed onto his sleeve, causing him to stop. He turns to face her. "Do you need something?" He asks quietly. Y/n mumbled something into her pillow, so he leaned down closer to her. "What was that?" Y/n looked up at him with tired eyes, her voice cracked slightly as she spoke.

"Don't go...Please Lucifer...Please stay."

Michael froze. Y/n tugged on his sleeve again. "Please..." Wordlessly, Michael crawled beside her, and tried to ignore the ache in his chest as he held her close to him.

Y/n winces at the morning light brushing at her face. She yawns and sits up in her bed, stretching her arms up above her head. She gets out of bed, and notices she was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Her confusion only lasted a brief moment before it hit her.

"Gosh." She sighed. "Poor Michael." She laughs slightly at the thought of him having to get her into bed. Y/n steps into her bathroom to take a shower and freshen up before starting her day.

After getting dressed she made her way to the kitchen, where she saw Michael. He was leaning against the wall, looking out of the window as he sipped on a cup of coffee.

"Michael?" Why was he still here? Michael turned to face her. "Good morning." He greets her. "Did you stay the night?" Y/n asks. Michael chuckles. "Yeah. Don't worry I slept on the couch, well, after you finally let out of your clutches."

Y/n's face heats up slightly. "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry Michael!' Michael shakes his head and walks over to the coffee maker. "Don't worry about it. How's your head?"

"Surprisingly fine. No hangover, thankfully." Y/n joins him. Michael hands her a cup and goes back to drinking his. "That's good."

"Thank you, Michael. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with me last night. I hope didn't say or do anything else to make myself look like more of a fool." Y/n sighs.

Michael was silent for a moment. "If you did...I'm not telling you." He smirks. "Michael!" Y/n pouts. "What did I do?"

"Nope, I'm not saying." Michael teases. Y/n groans. "You're terrible."

"Aren't I?" Michael chuckles. "Anyway. I should start heading out. I have another dreadful meeting to attend. I suppose today we will finally have our answer."

"If you need to talk after, I'll be here for you." Said Y/n with a smile. Michael smiles as well, but couldn't help but feel that awful ache again. "I know." He heads for the door. "I'll see you later, Y/n."

"Goodbye." Y/n waves. Michael waves before leaving, shutting the door behind him.

Y/n would start her day as usual, run a few errands around the city, and occasionally be stopped by a few civilians who wanted to know what the future held for them. Y/n would never look too far, just enough to satisfy them.

She'd never tell them what would happen when something unfavorable is to occur. Instead, she'd advise them to be cautious of certain things, places, or people. It was best not to scare them, but she would make sure they were aware and careful.

As Y/n was walking, she could see the Seraphim's tower up ahead. Her head was telling to keep walking, but her heart said the opposite. Ever since the exterminations were exposed, Y/n couldn't help but wonder how Emily was doing.

She wasn't herself lately. And now that Sera's fate was on the line, Y/n worried for Emily more. So, Y/n decided right then to pay her a visit. She walked inside and made her way upward. As she walking through the hall, she noticed someone up ahead. They had walked out of Sera's office and were heading in her direction.

The closer Y/n got, she realized just who it was approaching. Joel. Y/n was unsure what to say as they both grew closer. She was never close to Joel, even all those years ago. Y/n opened her mouth to greet him, though she did not get the chance as Joel walked right past her without a word.

Y/n wasn't offended, Joel never was much of a social man. Then suddenly she stopped.

'Wait a minute.' Y/n turned around, watching Joel grow further away. 'What was he doing in Sera's office?' Y/n turned back around. With curiosity getting the better of her, she entered Sera's office, and was shocked by what she saw.

"That's a bit rude, barging in here unannounced like that."

"Sera?" Y/n furrow her brows. "What are you doing here?" Sera, without looking at her, answered. "This is my office." She says bluntly. Sera then gives her a sharp look. "We're you hoping I'd be locked away until I was given my punishment?"

"I was expecting you to be suspended from your duties until God made his decision." Y/n corrects her. "Has he already?"

"No." Sera mutters. "I am here because there is no one to take my place, otherwise I would have been suspended." Y/n glances back at the door for a moment. "And, why was Joel here?"

"Supervising." Sera's face scrunches in annoyance. "I suppose him watching my every move is part of the punishment they have planned for me. Now, why are you here?"

"I wanted to check on Emily." Y/n answers. "Emily is fine." Sera insists. Y/n furrows her brows. "She wasn't before. You kept such a gruesome secret from her for so many years after all."

"Y/n. I have a lot of my mind, and I do not need you to add to it. So if you'll please." Sera gestures to the door. Y/n said nothing more before leaving.

Y/n made her way back down the tower, a bit of power in her steps as frustration swarms in her head. She she was making her way for the exit, Emily walked in. She saw Y/n and smiled slightly. "Hi Y/n."

The frustration fades from Y/n as she smiles. "Hello Emily. How are you today?" She asks. Emily shrugs. "Doing better, I guess. At least those exterminations won't happen anymore. I hope."

"You hope?" Y/n asked. Emily nods. "There hasn't been any sort of answer. So, I don't know..."

Y/n puts a hand on her shoulder. "Trust me, you won't have to worry about those exterminations anymore. I know God wouldn't allow for something so unethical to continue."

"Do you know? Or do you know?" Emily raises an eyebrow. Y/n laughs weakly. "I haven't looked. But you really shouldn't worry. No one in their right mind would let those exterminations go on."

Emily takes Y/n's hands. "Please Y/n, will you tell me? It'd make me feel so much better if I knew it wouldn't. I'm really worried about Charlie and her friends."

Charlie? Was that what the princess liked to be called?

"Alright." Y/n says softly. "If it will make you feel better, I will look." Emily nods, holding her hands tighter. Y/n closes her eyes and waits for the vision to come.

The same red sky came into view, and she saw the very same hotel that Charlie was so passionate about. It all seemed to be fine so far, until the sky was broken by bright heavenly light.

And down came a swarm of angels, weapons in hand. They swooped down and killed any demon in sight. Some fought back against the angels, but the battle was starting to lean towards the angels favor.

And all of a sudden, a giant beam of light cut through the hotel, destroying it completely. The one who caused it's destruction was none other than Adam himself.

And he was about to face a dangerous foe...

Y/n's eyes shot open. Her breath was caught in her throat, and her heartbeat thumbed harshly against her chest. The exterminations would continue after all...

"Y/n?" Emily spoke up. "You're hurting my hands a little." Y/n looked down, she was holding onto Emily's hands tightly. She quickly took them away and apologized.

"What's wrong?" Asked Emily carefully. Y/n swallowed a lump in her throat. "I...I just saw something I didn't expect." Y/n began to walk past Emily. "I'm sorry Emily, I must go now. There's someone I need to speak to right away."

Y/n took off into the sky, unable to hear Emily as she called for her to come back. Y/n felt terrible for lying to her, she knew Emily wasn't stupid. Emily would find out eventually, and it broke Y/n's heart.

She flapped her wings harder, increasing her speed. There was no time to waste, that terrible future was coming soon. She had to do something to stop it before it was too late.

Y/n landed in front of God's palace, she rushed in through the gates and hurried inside. She was half way to God's throne room, she rounded a corner and suddenly bumped into someone. She stumbled back a bit.

"Whoa, what's got you in a rush?"

Y/n looked up and was met with the angel of death himself, Azrael. He looked down at her with a smirk. "You got somewhere you need to be?"

"I need to speak with God immediately!" Y/n pants breathlessly. Azrael hummed and leaned on his staff. "Ah, sorry. God's a bit busy right now. Maybe come back later?"

"But I need to see him now! I saw something terrible in the near future!" Y/n tried to explain. "Again, he's busy." Azrael repeats. "But, I can relay the message to him if you'd like?"

"Azrael, please, this is urgent! I am not leaving until speak with him!" Y/n knew better than to speak this way to him, he was her superior. But right now, she couldn't care less.

"What's going on here?"

Y/n and Azrael turned to see Michael approaching. "Little one here says she needs to speak with God. Says it's real urgent." Said Azrael with a grin. Michael looks to Y/n. "Father is in the middle of an important meeting at the moment. Tell me, what did you see?"

"The exterminations, they're still going to happen!" Y/n tells him, she didn't miss the hesitation from Michael. But she couldn't stop to dwell on it. "Adam is going down to the princess' hotel and..."

"Lucifer and Adam will battle."

Michael and Azrael were taken aback from this. They looked at each other for a moment before Michael spoke again. "Y/n, come with me." Michael walks ahead of her.

"But Michael, God must know about this! Sera is still letting these exterminations happen!"

Michael faces her, a slightly stern look in his eyes. "Y/n." He says sharply. "Please...just come with me." Confused, Y/n hesitantly followed him.

What ever was happening now, Y/n had the most terrible feeling.

Tags-

@bloody-delusion-expert

@simbalioness

@annybah

@alientee

[emotional-support-carbuncle]

filled out @larxxene's chart! you all also get to see my original convocation headcanon designs LOL

explanations below!

Venat - Andromeda considered Venat a close friend, but I think eventually Venat started seeing her as a daughter.

Loghrif - She and Gaia (original) got along well! She'd often go out with her and Artemis (Mitron) to hang out after meetings (when Andromeda wasn't going out with Hythlodaeus and Hades ofc)

Mitron - Andromeda had a fascination with the sea, so she and Artemis got along VERY well. Still, Artemis and Gaia were the pair and Andromeda only considered them Friends rather than Close Friends.

Emet-Selch - What is there to say? They grew up together. He and Hythlodaeus were her first kiss. He encouraged her to pursue Hythlodaeus romantically. She got him his seat on the Convocation. He was everything to her, and she and Hythlodaeus were everything to him.

Pashtarot - Pashtarot was one of the first members on the Convocation to really make her feel welcome once she was sworn in. They remained a friend of hers until the end.

Fandaniel - She was friendly with the original Fandaniel, but she considered Hermes a friend as well, especially since he helped her with the concept for the Alkonost! He didn't feel the same about her, it seemed, as he never confided in her his feelings of doubt towards the world, and seemed to keep her at arm's length.

Altima - Andromeda was a fan of music, and Altima often invited her and Hythlodaeus to shows on weekends. Hades would join her when Hythlodaeus had to work late, or if Andromeda asked very nicely if he could come (his love of theatre started there).

Halmarut - Saved by Venat when he was young, Halmarut was also one of the first members who really made her feel like an equal. One of her accomplishments prior to receiving the nomination involved a poisonous plant, and he was fascinated by the antidote she developed for it. They used to spend time together in the gardens when she returned from travel.

Nabriales - The original Nabriales was a stern, foolhardy man who made her feel strangely threatened during her judgement before her swearing in. She found him obnoxious at the best of times, and disliked him actively, though she was always good at hiding it. He had a HUGE crush on her after watching her in battle once -- something that Hades immediately clocked once taking the seat of Emet-Selch. (Hades may have taken a little too much pleasure in making sure he was touching Andromeda - her back or her waist or her shoulders - whenever he was around)

Igeyorhm - Andromeda found her intimidating at first, because Andromeda often felt like she thought the things Andromeda had to say were silly. She mostly felt neutral once she got used to the job. Igeyorhm actually found Andromeda pleasant, and respected her passion and commitment to her seat.

Deudalaphon - He took her by surprise. She didn't have much in common with him at first, but his inventions were quickly something she found herself fascinated by. I headcanon that she originally designed something very similar to Sage weapons with his and Emmeroloth's help, just for fun.

Emmeroloth - She was an extremely talented healer, and he actually respected her a lot and wanted to know her better. She was friendly with him, but didn't really spend all that much time with him outside of work.

Lahabrea - She was very intimidated by him. Everything she did felt like an inconvenience to him, and it wasn't funny like it was with Hades. He... didn't really care about her either way.

Elidibus - One of two who she was Azem before he became a member. I haven't decided how I feel about Themis and whether I think he's related to Venat or not yet, but I think she and him were very friendly, being some of the youngest on the Convocation. They were also the most "individual" of the members, and worked closely a lot since her opinion carried a lot of weight compared to some of the others for some things. They came to consider each other siblings, I think.

[itwasthereaminuteago]

|| Break ||

Matt Murdock x Frank Castle

Some NSFW goodies written for @frattweek! Day 5 prompt 'break'.

W/c: 2000

Matt throws Frank that annoyingly attractive signature smirk he always does when he's so certain he's right. He may have just made Matt cum so hard he thought he was gonna shoot his brain out through his dick, but now it seemed he may have been a little too smug himself in the afterglow.

"What, you really think I can't break you, make you beg for me, Frank?"

Frank just chuckles, taking a long draw from his beer and setting it down in a space amidst their hastily discarded clothes on the coffee table. "You're the one that begs and gets all needy sweetheart, we both know that. But alright, if you wanna, I'll uh, indulge your little fantasy."

"Okay…" Matt says calmly, as he slides his hand up Frank's chest and grips around his neck as he kisses him with a ferocity Frank isn't prepared for. "Enjoy this while it lasts, baby, because from this moment on, no touching."

"No touching… you?" He quizzes as Matt pushes him away.

"No touching me, no touching yourself. Nothing. And you know I'll know if you do, so behave." Matt taps him on the nose for emphasis.

Frank cocks his head to the side. "For how long?"

Matt pretends to consider the question before answering, like he hadn't already thought it all out beforehand. "A week." He presses the button on the side of his watch and it reads out the time. "Eleven, fifty five, PM."

Frank just laughs. "You remember I was a Marine, right? Blue balls ain't nothin' new to me Murdock and a week ain't nothin' either."

"Oh alright, yeah, like you and your buddies weren't jerking each other off in the showers on every day that ended with a Y?" Matt jibes.

Frank scoffs, pulling his pants back up. "Yeah, yeah, you joke all you like Lil Red, we'll just see who's beggin' at the end of the week, huh?"

On day three Frank knew he'd made a serious error in his own judgement.

Matt had dodged every conscious attempt Frank made to touch him in any way. With something as simple as getting home from work there was no welcoming kiss waiting for him. No warm slide of hands around his waist or neck when he was cooking dinner. They showered separately, and getting dressed or undressed and only being allowed to look at that sinfully gorgeous body as he peeled off that skintight Kevlar suit at the end of the night was uncomfortably close to torture for him.

Even unconsciously Frank was drawn to Matt like a magnet, he had to sleep on the couch after the second night because he just couldn't stop himself inching closer to him while asleep.

He missed the small seemingly inconsequential moments of contact the most. Gentle fingers through his hair, a brush of hands walking down the street, how Matt's fingertips felt on his face as he traced the crinkles around his eyes, his nose, and his lips. He missed his smell. The scratch of his stubble against his skin- God, the taste of him…

Sure Frank had been touch starved in the past, but that was long before he knew Matt and what he could do to him. But was he really that starved of Matt's touch that he would actually beg him for it?

It's not to say that it was easy for Matt to abstain either, although he had exempted himself from the 'no touching yourself' rule, as Frank found out much to his dismay when he heard the most obscene moans drifting from the bedroom when he came home one night driving him up the wall with the desire to swallow those sounds.

In a world without true sight, touch was everything to Matt. He was extremely sensitive to it, he wasn't sleeping on silk sheets just for fun. And to Matt, Frank was like ice-cream that had been left out on the counter, quickly melting into a creamy puddle just waiting to be licked up.

~

On day six Frank swore he was hallucinating things. From across the room it was like he could feel what he was missing, the weight of Matt sitting on his lap, the squeeze of his thighs around his hips and waist.

He scrubs a hand over his face, getting up to get a beer from the fridge as if that would actually do anything to distract him. He'd already taken apart and cleaned every single weapon he owned and that hadn't helped. Thoughts of the softness of Matt's lips slipped easily into his mind and stirred other feelings down below. He was reaching the end of his very short tether.

"C'mon, just gimme… one lil hug, one lil kiss, just one lil fucking blowjob- please!"

A satisfied grin split Matt's face. "Oh, is that… begging I hear? And from Frank, the big bad Punisher, Castle?!"

"Red, baby, you gotta gimme somethin'. I knew I'd miss it but christ, didn't for a second know just how bad."

Frank's given up, he drops to the floor and starts crawling on his hands and knees towards him and Matt's resolve almost caves. "Look, you're killin' me here. You happy now you've made me your dog?"

"Ah-ah." Matt swiftly gets up from the chair and teasingly backs away from him, always out of reach. "You've done so well, you've only got just over a day left, and then… well…" he has the nerve to raise a flirty brow and then saunter off, leaving Frank rolling onto his back with a frustrated huff and a hard on.

~

It was half past eleven at night on the seventh day and Frank was ready. He'd been ready for days but now he was really fucking ready.

"I swear I've never seen you this eager for anything, Frank," Matt told him, roughly running his towel over his hair. He was just out of the shower, grey sweatpants slung scandalously low on his hips with a soft blue t-shirt half tucked in. Frank was surprised he wasn't actually drooling.

Matt sauntered into the kitchen area, the hem of his shirt lifting up as he reaches for a glass from the shelf, allowing Frank a tantalising glimpse of his toned stomach.

"Red, c'mon, fuck…" he rounds the counter after him but Matt dodges away yet again, smirking.

"Hey! There's still half an hour to go y'know."

Frank groans, slumping his upper body across the countertop as he watches Matt's throat work as he takes big gulps of water. "You're loving drawin' this out, makin' me suffer ain't ya? Asshole."

"I might-" Matt halts suddenly and Frank lifts up slightly as he sees him do that telltale tilt of the head when he's heard something. Usually something bad.

"Aw fuck. You gotta be kidding me. What is it?"

When he sees Matt making for his gear and start suiting up with haste and tying on his mask, Frank grabs a couple of knives and stuffs a gun in the back of his pants.

"Mugging. Two blocks away."

"Shit, shit, shit. Okay, let's go."

~

"Ah! Easy!" Matt's breath is punched out of him as Frank shoves him back against the alley wall almost as hard as they had dealt with the three idiots who had decided to try and attack a woman walking home on her own in Hell's Kitchen at night. His hands are locked onto his shoulders like he might try to escape, his body pushed up close against his own, Matt's thigh is wedged in-between his. "If you wait we can do this at home y'know." Matt tries.

Frank isn't for listening. "Ain't waitin'. Time's up. If you don't fucking let me touch you now I'm gonna-"

Matt grits his teeth, hissing through them sharply for the way Frank's so worked up after only a week of forced abstinence. He can't wait for home even though it's just around the corner. This is happening now.

"Fuck-" Matt yelps as Frank attacks his jaw with his mouth, teeth nipping with one part violence, three parts desperation. His hands are everywhere, yanking at the zip of his pants and loosening his belt, slipping impatiently down between the rough fabric and his skin to feel his half hard cock. Frank rucks up the hem of Matt's black shirt, fingers rough and possessive as they travel up over his abs and pecs, his mouth following them as he bends down to lick, suck and mark what's his.

Matt's panting hard already, Frank knows where every single button is, and he doesn't just push it, he jams it in till it sticks and he's thrumming and overcome with sensation.

"Makin' me beg," Frank's voice is gruff and low and goes straight to Matt's cock. "Fuck that shit. You're gonna beg for me now, ain't that right baby?" He tells him as he pushes down his own pants and grabs both of their cocks together and starts stroking.

Matt moans so beautifully, head tilted back against the wall, his mask still on, lips kiss-bitten and swollen pink like a pussy. Frank devours him, licking along Matt's lower lip before he bites down on it, grunting as he keeps working his hand up and down.

"Shit, Frank, fuck!" Matt whines and Frank's back in his happy place watching and feeling him unfold beneath him.

"Yeah pretty boy, you thought you had all the control didn't ya?" He chuckles darkly, allowing himself his own noise of pleasure as Matt leaks a stream of precum from his tip.

"Yeah, yeah that's it, you fuckin' missed this too huh?" He circles his thumb over and under the head of Matt's wet cock drawing a weak and frustrated groan from deep in his throat.

Matt reaches and cups behind Frank's head, his fingers grazing the short hairs at the base of his skull. "Stop with the teasing and just fucking kiss me."

He pulls him in, smashing their mouths together, tongues together, hot and needy like it's been years rather than weeks since they'd touched one another.

Frank moans into Matt's mouth, his fist moving faster, feeling Matt's thighs grip around his own tighter, shaking with how close he is to going off. The fingers of Matt's other hand clutch and squeeze at the firmness of Frank's ass under his half-pulled down pants, and Frank jerks as he feels a finger teasing near his hole.

"God damn it Red, shit… oh shi-"

He erupts, grunting hard and long as spurts of come spill over his hand. The force of his climax almost has his legs giving out from underneath him but Matt holds onto him as he ruts his own hips up, his cock sliding easily between Frank's in the come-slick grip of his fist.

Then the hot, wet seal of Frank's mouth is around Matt's cock before he realises what's happening. Frank's sunk down to his knees, his own cock still hard, his hand encircling the base and lapping at him. He drags his fingers up and over his own balls as he slowly starts jerking himself off again, somehow not fully spent.

"Jesus, Frank…" Matt murmurs with incredulity.

Frank just keeps on sucking him off, the taste and smell and sounds he's making are everything he's been craving for the past week. Matt moans out his pleasure quickly, coming hard over Frank's tongue and down his throat as he swallows and sucks, wringing him out completely. It drives him to an easy warm and syrupy second orgasm that seems to last and last.

"Christ," Frank rumbles, grasping at Matt's pants and pulling them back up as he slowly gets back to his feet, and tucks himself away. "You never, ever get to do that to me again."

Matt breaks into breathless laughter, completely wrecked as Frank then curls his fingers under Matt's scruffy chin and gives him a filthy kiss.

"Are you kidding me?" Matt grins as he nudges Frank's cheek with his nose. "You've just made me wanna do it more."

[rebouks]

Okay, so I'm being completely self-indulgent here but I went on a little foray and dug up a load of old posts n' such to go thru Wyatt's journey n' pick out some important moments/juicy tidbits so uh.. here it is if you're interested 😆

Major Somnium spoilers if you haven't read it yet tho so be warned...

The first hint of genuine emotion/doubt we see cross Wyatt's face, and it's about his father.. hmmmmm, also to be noted is that even if he did up sticks n' go to work with Ash, he wouldn't have been free of anything, least of all his father's judgement!

The infamous Silas scene, yikes.. two things here, anytime he mentions it, it's not Wyatt's reach, always Arturo's! Like Oscar said recently, he doesn't have any connections now that he's gone (and Ashton, so.. oops) Second of all, Bruno DID understand.. which is interesting. Wyatt's family may not have been any relation to Bruno by blood, but they were still his found family for a long time and he n' Wyatt didn't much care for each other either, but they knew one another pretty well (what they showed each other anyway aha..) So yeah, he didn't LIKE it, but he UNDERSTOOD.. much to Ivan's dismay 🙈

Wyatt pretty much admits here that he's pretending his way through life.. which is SUPER fun to look back on, 'cause we all took him at face value here, but who's to say it wasn't just another act? 🤷‍♂️ He learnt to look at the world through calculated logic at a very young age.. and he's kinda right, if you observe everything & everyone else from a neutral standpoint, it's pretty interesting what you can see that you might've missed if you were too angry, sad etc.. to notice...

Did anyone believe Wyatt when he said he would leave Joslyn's kids out of it? 'Cause he was telling the truth.. maybe she should'a called his bluff. An easy bargaining chip, never to be played.

After learning of Oscar's plan, Wyatt decides to help him.. why? I don't think he's sure at this point, he just knew he'd had enough of his father's disrespect and wanted to fuck him over.

This is suuuper interesting, mostly because of Bruno's "no".. he's a bit of a hypocrite ngl, cos he knew more than Wyatt, and for longer, that what he, Artie n' co. were up to was wrong, yet he stuck with them, protected them and continued to work for them anyway. The difference between them tho, is that Arturo respected and trusted Bruno enough that he would've let him leave if he wanted to, but he didn't.. and Wyatt never had that luxury ⚆_⚆

In this scene we (I think?) first got a glimpse into Wyatt's brain, and I particularly like this part...

Although he wanted to prove to Arturo that he had been right, he knew he couldn’t risk it. Doing so would only reveal his own betrayal. It should have been satisfying, but Wyatt could already feel himself shrinking under his father’s cold, piercing gaze as he realised his own son had deceived him so immeasurably. He didn’t need to know; his demise would be satisfying enough, it had to be.

Simply because as it turned out, it wasn't satisfying at all.. and Arturo was already well aware of his own son's involvement at this point, double yikes.

So everything's gone to shit but Wyatt/Darien are still sitting pretty with Ashton.. but why is it sad boi hours? Why doesn't it feel right? Hmmmmm.. I like this scene because Wyatt's pretty much lost his whole family and yet.. is he sad? He doesn't think so, not really. It's kinda the start of him "waking up" so to speak, with no one left to live "for" and no one to impress, please or serve he's lost at sea! It's fun, because honestly at this point he could have slotted neatly into life in Del Sol. He could've worked with Ash, business as usual, new connections and protections, lotsa women, lotsa money and power..... and yet.. it doesn't feel right? 🤔 HMMMMMMMMMMM

Thanks to Brynn's help, Wyatt finally comes face to face with the reality of his actions. It's interesting for so many reasons.. first of all, he'd always kept the details at bay, 'cause that's what he was used to, what was easier, what he was taught to do.. business isn't personal, right Pookie? 🙈 and Ashton hadn't exactly told the whole truth either, making out like the girls would work for him (which ig they would in a way, at least some of em.. but it's definitely worse than Wyatt assumed, which I think can show how naive he could still be sometimes) but with no daddy around to answer to/impress, and no one left to pretend to, Wyatt suddenly NEEDED to know and there was no one left to persuade him otherwise.

Love this scene.. Wyatt's still a little demented isn't he, taking sadistic pleasure in fucking someone over, but at least this time he's on the right fkin side. Look at that smirk.. ohhh Ashton you are fucked, but please enjoy your sauna whilst you can 😁

So it's been a few years at this point and Wyatt's had a hell of a lot of time to think, and a lot of distance from his old life. He doesn't really know who he is at the moment, but he's kinda learning to just BE instead of pretending all the time.. kinda scary, tho a little less so when you've adopted a cute old neighbour who invades your space with his genuine care and good advice. Something Wyatt's definitely not used to, but he doesn't completely hate it.

Not only does bumping into Brynn again make Wyatt realise how grateful he was for her help, but it also kinda forces him to stop ignoring his past. Her visit and their brief time spent together really made him start looking back at his old life n' tryna figure out how it fit into his new one. He still has no idea who he is or who he should be and it's particularly disconcerting to him how comfortable Brynn is around him, given what she knows...

He'd just about managed to keep it at bay until this point, but it's time for an existential crisis 🤸‍♀️

Ahhh baba Ichi is so kind 😭 would he still be so keen to help Wyatt if he knew about his past? Who knows.. but he sees someone struggling and he wants to help! I think it's interesting that Wyatt trusts him/likes him enough at this point to actually admit his doubts/feelings, which is more than he'd ever done before. He might not see it yet, but it's still progress.

Brynn's back, and she's about to fuck Wyatt's shit up (in the best way).. I love how he's been so wrapped up in his own misadventures that he hadn't even stopped to think about hers. If we're gonna look at things in black and white (which we don't do here but just bear with) they're both "bad" people who've done terrible things and made terrible decisions; driven by necessity, both perceived and literal. They've taken lives without regret, stolen from people who didn't deserve it, fucked people over for their own survival or for revenge ETC ETC.. and yet, Brynn knows she's not black and white, she knows she's still capable of being a good person and she can see it in him too, even if he's like ??? about it himself.

Wyatt not only admits his feelings to himself, but to Brynn too.. and goes against what HE wants n' agrees to her wishes instead, putting someone else first for like.. the first time EVER 😳

Though he was glad to know the truth, Wyatt was less than thrilled with Brynn’s plan; but she craved true freedom, and after everything she’d endured – in part due to his own transgressions – he figured he owed her as much.

What sorcery is this?!

Wyatt's not great with empathy or at putting himself in others shoes, but I loved this scene with him n' Oscar because now he's actually been forced into Oscar's well worn vans and he had no choice but to confront his previous decisions head on.. he did NOT like his own medicine and I think it's the first time he properly felt regret/guilt.. super important discovery.

Ahh the crux of the issue, daddy issues.. 😅 I'm not saying Wyatt didn't have free will or the chance to idk NOT partake in the family "bidness" but idk, he was indoctrinated into that life since birth. The fact that he eventually made it this far and didn't go totally insane in the process is still kinda impressive.

We don't have to forgive him, Brynn hasn't, and won't.. but people are grey and there's hope things will be different in the future. I love how much these two have been through in life, yet still managed to SOMEHOW end up with a second chance/a way to be & do better. Idk I think it's awesome (disagree with me if u want idc ahahakjsdksj) and I especially love that they literally know almost every nasty detail about each other but still perceive the other as "good" despite those details.. ough

With a dead dad (yay), plenty of distance, a lot of time and some forced introspection not only from himself but Brynn, Oscar, etc.. and ELLIS, Wyatt finally broke in the best way possible. It'll take time and it'll still be shit at times but now that everything's outta the bottle maybe he can piece everything together again. I especially love this part..

The moment Ellis had made his way into the world, something deep inside Wyatt’s soul had shattered, breaking into a million tiny pieces that pricked his heart with every shred of hurt, regret, and stifled guilt he’d ever buried within its previously impenetrable depths. Try as he might, the tears refused to cease.

I think it was easy to believe that Wyatt was a psychopath (that was the point) but we only believed it with such conviction because HE did too. I think he's relieved to finally learn that that's NOT the case, even if it's scary af tryna figure out who he is from scratch.. but hey, he has a pretty good reason too now. Being the dad he wished he had... ;-;

Anyway.. thanks for coming to my pointless, long ass, self-indulgent TED talk, if you read all this please take a cookie on the way out and know that ily muchly 🖤🍪

[himbogiants]

A Lapse of Judgement

Felt like making a one shot!

Also just wanna say, I've been watching Castlevania, Alistar is very much inspired by Alucard

Anyways, Giant Angel, tiny demon :))

Warnings: Language I guess? Mentions of depression, fear of dying. Angsty and fearplay.

If you like this please like and let me know what you think! I love reading what others have to say <3 enjoy!

In her humble opinion Luciel wasn't doing anything wrong- ok no, that's a lie, but still she was only doing her job! Being a demon was hard work, especially when you were a lower class. She was just thankful she had her wings because she couldn't possibly imagine trying to traverse the human realm without them, trying to reach their ears just to whisper some corrupt ideas into them would be such a pain. More than it already was!

It was tough, but at the very least the humans couldn't see her so there wasn't really any stopping her except whenever procrastination kicked in. Well..that wouldn't be true either.

There were ways to stop her.

And all of them came in the form of Angels.

Self righteous perfect little Angels. Except they weren't little at all! Given their 'holy' nature they were all the same height as a middle class demon, or human. And might she add incredibly annoying! Because even when casting a fellow demon aside they always tried to be so moral and just about it. She for one thought they were a bunch of sad sour souls. What was the point in living a mortal life if you didn't get to cause a little mischief while you had the chance? You know, fun?!

But no. For every wicked whisper, they'd always counter, shunning out the darkness, much to the humans obliviousness.

Luciel had dealt with only a handful of them, possibly less. They never really paid her any mind, more than just a glare of disapproval anyways. Besides they were far more focused on putting a stop to her more powerful coworkers- if they could even be called that. Demons never exactly worked together.

In some ways she was glad to be at the rank she was, the most an Angel could do to her was shoo her off. They didn't attempt anything else. And she was content with that way of things, bothersome yes, but nothing she couldn't live with.

Or so she thought, until Alistar anyhow.

The little demon (quite literally) had been taunting a simple human named Dave- if she was correct. Poor precious Dave, and his sunken eyes. Perhaps she was feeding his anxiety a little too much. But it was quite fun to watch! So she'd continue to egg him on- no matter how many anxiety pills her swallowed.

She laughed in her mirth, going off to see another human deciding it may be time to give old Dave some time out. She flew through above crowds, she was in a city today. She never did bother learning names of locations for she did jump or rather fly around pretty frequently.

The sun was shining and the flowers were blooming- not her preference in weather by any means but perhaps that was the demon in her. All in all it was looking to be a successful day.

She stopped mid flight and floated above the colossal crowds, all impatient to get to the next place sprinkled with remnants of anger, addictions, drunkards, and much more. Wherever the city was it was looking to be a delightful place!

She scanned around before selecting a new target. Baggy eyes, tired expression, possible depression oh yes now this was perfect.

She flew after him thrilled by the chase- and the mere thought of a new client!

Up the stairs through a washed out apartment complex, past the many doors before alas, she caught up just as he walked in and shut the door.

She clapped her hands together, looking around the dingy little complex. It was still clean (odd, he couldn't take care of his own mind, yet his house was unbelievably clean. A possible touch of OCD?)

He walked further in, coming into the kitchen. She spotted them instantly, pills all lined up. Bingo, she was on the money with this one.

Then to his bedroom, he slumped down and switched on his computer, seemingly worn out even though the day was only beginning and just about to get a whole lot more exciting.

She landed on his shoulder, holding onto his collar and taking a breath, so many possibilities! Now, more importantly, what to say?

She settled with the obvious, time to corrupt his self worth!

Though she never got to do that. She had just steadied herself and headed for his ear, when a great hand burst in from seemingly nowhere, and trapped her tightly in a fist.

The breath was forcefully taken out of her as the hand squeezed harsher. Then she cried out at an instant heat. Something was burning! Searing hot! And it hurt. Heat shouldn't hurt Demons!! Nothing should!

"Aww..how pathetic"

She winced, an Angel of course but how?! Why was he even bothering?! She was only a lower cla-

The hand shifted and she was pulled around to a overbearing perspective. And what she was greeted with shook her to her core.

Not just an Angel. A Guardian Angel.

Fuck. No.

If normals Angels were so painfully just and morally correct in their hatred for demons, Guardian Angels amplified it ten fold. They too had wings and all in all looked fairly similar to any regular Angel, apart from their give away, an aura eclipsed their forms. Angels had beauty, but these ones were a new level, porcelain like skin, bright shining golden eyes, eyes that currently bore into her with nothing but repulsion. Angels hated Demons. But Guardians? They loathed them.

Not only that, but the worst aspect, they had the power to wipe any level of demon out, which is what made them so incredibly dangerous.

They could make demons writhe and scream for hours on end, possibly more than any damnation in hell ever could. And now one had her in his grasp. And he looked very pissed.

He lifted her to eye level, as she swallowed, tears beginning to brim at the corner of her eyes.

"A lowly little lower class hmm?"

His other hand appeared out of the blue and it made her yelp. The size difference had never bothered her before. Ever. She had grown so used to it, so why was she so terrified of it now?

The impossibly large hand came into contact and with one sharp nail he pushed her hair out of her eyes meeting her gaze. He smirked.

The Guardian Angel smirked. Angels didn't smirk, they didn't taunt nor tease. They done their duty and left. But this was new. And mortifying. He seemed to watch her as he pinned her wings painfully to her back. Despite the security of flight the drop below was still nerve enduring.

He brought her closer, right before his burning pupils, as the heat slicing through her worsened. He took in a deep breath and chuckled, his exhale brushing against her skin.

"Scared?"

Scared? Scared?! She had never known fear. A demon never felt scared!, but it seemed today was a day for new experiences. Here she was, dying out in a fist bigger than herself. Fear was her newest foe. Fear was what drove her to nod in response. Just as he had put it. Pathetic.

He sneered, seemingly finding this only delightful.

"Good. You should be"

And from there, everything felt raw..and white. At least the pain did anyways. She let out a howling cry, a piercing shriek. She noticed her arms, they were cracking .

She..she was dying.

A new wave of the meaning washed over this situation as did fright. Oh Satan..what..what happened to an Demon in death? She wasn't even a living soul? Was there more beyond this?! Was this it?! Panic seized her and finally she understood. Was this the type of thoughts she instilled on humanity? The self doubting, the fear. What lay awaiting in the foggy unknown?

She was speaking before she could stop herself.

"PLEASE. PLEASE I BEG OF YOU" She writhed.

The Guardian Angels eyes lay still, as he consumed her every wail.

"PLEASE. I- I DONT WANT TO DIE. IM SORRY! PLEASE STOP PLEASE"

Her breaths became laboured and tight, the crackled fractured up her arms and legs, getting closer and closer to her heart.

She wasn't ready to die.

A small tear fell from her cheeks and ricocheted off his hand.

She took one final gasp and then it all stopped.

The hand loosened and opened, as she collapsed in on his palm panting, heaving, shaking like a crisp little leaf.

She grasped her chest tightly as she softly began to sob, her ruffled wings twitched in pain, as they were freed from their constraints.

A warm voice breezed over her, she was closer to his mouth she reckoned.

"In all my lifetime, in all my training. I have never once seen a Demon apologise for their ways. Nonetheless cry. In eradication, many have felt fear. But nothing to this extent. Yet..here you are."

She was quivering as her curled up form hitched at his words. Her cracks were fading. He was letting her live..or so she hoped.

She unfurled slowly, looking up to meet his impossibly large eyes. He was so close.

"A-and I, have never witnessed an Angel who expelled violence"

A small smile tugged at his lips.

"Well, I for one, am not just an Angel, which I suppose you have already taken note off. And never having experienced such violent nature hmm? Must be the low level in you."

Her eyes furrowed as she died them.

"Most Angels I've met don't give me a second glance. I hadn't even done anything yet!"

It was his turn to glare, though she had noticed the venom was fading, replaced by a morbid curiosity. She found herself despising being a Guardians object of interest.

"Yes.. nothing yet. You had every intent on making this man's life a living hell and all for your own gain."

She tried to stand with her fury but pain riffled through causing her to stagger back. The Angel apparently having noticed used his finger from his other hand to curl around her miniscule waist and steady her out, he carefully sat her back down, going easy on her wings, he must have noticed their damage then. She couldn't exactly ignore the fascination lurking in his pupils either.

"Don't try and move. You'll make this harder on yourself, I was intending on killing you after all."

She laughed coldly as she folded her arms across her chest.

"And what. You're not gonna do that anymore huh? I was only doing my damn job!"

The Angel rolled his eyes and poked at her lightly with the same finger.

"As was I. Demons are a plague on humanity, which must be stopped at all costs."

She snarled at this. There it was. The self righteousness

"Well you're no blessing either, you psychopath"

Expectations of the Angels anger to give way were blocked as he could only chuckle deeply once more, his finger beginning to mess with her small body.

"You'll find that I am, quite literally, a blessing. Though perhaps I went a smidge too harsh. You're a tiny little thing, aren't you? I must admit, I've never actually seen a lower class. I'm usually left dealing with your counterparts."

It was her turn to roll her eyes at this. Though at his belittling of her ranking she felt a small spark of rage. She pushed the finger aside, hissing in pain as she weakly pointed up at the gargantuan glowing man.

"H-How dare you!? Fuck you-" She went to stand once more only to feel a shock in her wing, she yelped and let loose a pitiful whisper.

She did not miss the wince in the Angels features, as well as a hint of guilt. Guilt..for hurting a demon..hurting her? Carefully this time he brought his full hand, gently cupping behind her, only to stroke her wings in a soft and calming manner.

"Calm down, you need to stop fighting. The scorches are still wearing off."

She hated that she found herself leaning into the touch, sending a feeling of anxiety to coarse through her. It had only been five minutes and already this Angel was corrupting her mind as well as setting free butterflies that attacked her stomach.

"So..so you're not gonna kill me then?"

The Guardian fell still, his fingers freezing mid stroke.

"It's what must be done. It's what should be done, but you don't seem like a very real threat. So no..It goes against my inner judgement, but no. You will not perish today."

Luciel felt herself ease instantly with the news but met his eyes. They truly were a sight to behold.

"Thank you.."

A acknowledged this with another hesitant smile as he cocked his head, his long blond hair billowing over his shoulder.

"A Demon saying thank you? Lower classes must still posses manners then. But in any case, you're welcome."

She huffed "must you constantly mention my class? It's demeaning"

His head tilted further

"Curious little thing you are. I never knew Demons could feel insulted."

She turned her gaze away in embarrassment, fortifying her response without words, face turning red.

"Or to be oddly cute when angry."

She coughed at this and instantly facing down. His laugh bellowed around them as his hand shifted over her wings once more resuming their stroking, before he paused once more and set a huge finger beneath her chin, tilting her head upwards to meet his gaze.

"My name is Alistar"

He watched her expectedly as she cleared her throat baring her words, now impossibly soft, loosing their malice intent.

"Luciel"

His finger beneath her face left as it lay awaiting infront of her. Her face fell flat as realisation dawned, oh..a handshake.

She outstretched her arm, her hand falling on his finger tip, almost smaller than his nail. Unnerving to say the least.

"Y-you do realise I still have to do my job right, I can't just stop tormenting humans it's kinda what I'm assigned to do."

His eyes sharpened but only slightly, he sighed instead of sneering.

"You must do your duties and I must do mine. But I propose a bargain. You leave this human be, I've put enough work into keeping this place clean and keeping him alive. I don't condone it but as you must resume tormenting humans- from now it shall only be humans however, that show greed and evil. Rotten ideals. Seeing as demons don't care for humanity this shouldn't affect your work. Have at them. Leave the ones just trying to get by. Do this, and I promise to leave you be, as well as whenever we are together worklife shall go on pause. Do we have an understanding?"

She snapped her hand away from the finger with a raised brow meeting the golden eyes with suspicion

"Just what in all the layers of hell would make you think I would be insane enough to want to meet again?"

Alistar chuckled, his finger moving to twirl a lock of her hair, as he ruffled the rest, much to her dismay (which was met with an entertained grin.) The hand shifted as she got extremely close to his face making her freeze completely. He carefully placed her down on his shoulder and delighted in leaving her stranded, forcing her to sit as she could not yet fly.

"Because my little Demon, work can be awfully dull, and I am in need of some entertainment. A friend if you will."

Luciel felt her face flush, she didn't quite know what to say.. but his offer wasn't too..unappealing. But friendship of any sorts between their kind was forbidden, and if this Angel was willing to bend the rules he proved more interesting than the rest.

She'd take the gamble.

"You have a deal."

[kmze]

Thoughts on 4x13-4x23 TBH I had a lot of fun watching this half! I liked Elena’s no humanity arc and I enjoyed Silas fucking around with everyone and getting inside their heads. I also liked the detours to NYC and the storybook town Katherine compelled. There is some good foreshadowing this half and it was definitely much better than the first half of S4 (at least to me) The worst part was Bonnie’s storyline because of how tragically it ended and that she wasn’t in control of herself for much of it (this season was rough for her, might be her roughest). Also everyone appears to be dumber for plot reasons (or maybe it was just Damon being put in charge too often). Thoughts below!

4x13

The way Rebekah body slammed Elena CTFU!!

Klaus is such an asshole. As much as I have enjoyed some of the Klaus and Caroline scenes this season (my feelings about them have evolved, they are a necessary evil lol) stuff like this will always turn me off about them.

This Forwood scene is both touching and heartbreaking. Caroline reassuring Tyler he did the right thing because he freed the hybrids, and calling him a leader. They’re so great.

Again it's so cruel how the show is handling Beremy in regards to Bonnie. They came back together pretty quickly, which isn't a bad thing because it shows Jeremy has been pining this whole time (which your own fault my guy). However, they are just setting Bonnie up because he's gonna die! All those shirtless muscle grazes for nothing.

Rebekah dropping truth bombs though about how everyone should shut up about taking the moral high ground.

I like that Caroline always finds a way to stay alive! She knew she could use Klaus’ feelings for her against him to cure her, and she doesn’t have to give him anything in return. Adapt or die.

4x14

I am so tired of hearing about the cure already!

These beach/forest island scenes are making me zone out, I have no idea what's going on with this plot and very ready for it to end.

Nah Klaus was being way too nice and forgiving, Tyler and Caroline needed to be quicker figuring that out.

For someone who hates Elena she sure does talk about her ALL THE TIME JFC Rebekah, get a life.

But EL OH EL at Elena trying to get Stefan back to worshipping her by talking about his feelings on being human and when she asks why he didn't tell her he says "because it wasn't about you" BURN!

I like how you can subtly tell its Katherine when she goes to bite the hunter. Elena never would have done that.

Poor Forwood :(

Klaus is so fucking delusional “you know I would never hurt you” you just did less than 24 hours ago!

4x15

Stefan and Caroline have great silent communication.

Sometimes I read Reddit against my better judgement and for some reason they all believe Stefan and Bonnie should have happened. But I’m sorry after 3.5 seasons into this rewatch Stefan doesn’t give a flying fuck about Bonnie! Whatever “friendship” people think was “ignored” does not exist! He basically told Damon to leave her on that island with a 2000 year old psychic immortal because Damon needed to use the sire bond (!!!) on Elena. Bonnie doesn’t really fuck with him either, ever since Grams died she keeps her distance more than I noticed before. I think Bonnie recognizes how much Stefan is a lying liar who lies.

I think that’s why Bonnie ultimately got closer to Damon than she ever did to Stefan. Not that she trusts Damon or even really likes him until S6, but he at least shows her who he is all the time.

Damon and Caroline do not have good silent communication lol.

The crazypants Bonnie scenes are amusing in a scary way during all this heavy stuff.

This was one of the most emotional episodes of this show ever and I mean that in a good way. Nina deserved more accolades for her performance because it’s really heartbreaking, and she does a fantastic job of switching from extremely emotional to “emotionless” humanity off.

The scene where the trio walks out of the house while it’s burning you see Damon and Elena keep walking together but Stefan stays back a bit to look at the house and gets separated from the two of them. I felt like that was foreshadowing that Stefan is going to move on and essentially leave the triangle.

4x16

Wait did Elena just imply Caroline has seen her naked!

Damon’s list of things Klaus sucks at CTFU!

I feel like Stefan always has a vervain needle in his pocket LMFAO! Phone, keys, wallet, vervain needle. It will also endlessly amaze me how often vamps get roofied by vervain needles in broad daylight and just no one cares.

The way NH!Elena stops when she sees Stefan and Caroline dancing and stomps over GREATEST MOMENTS IN TVD HISTORY! I firmly believe this is the first time we see Stefan have his more than friendship feelings for Caroline (the ones that scared him and he pushed away) and actually act on them.

OMG am I ready for Rebekah to go away already!

Klaus and Hayley have ZERO chemistry wow. They definitely get better on TO but this was painful to watch.

Personally I would have told Stefan “not my problem” re: NH!Elena but Caroline is nicer than me. She’s also still kinda falls for his tricks at this point (wait until S6 my friends).

4x17

Love the 1977 flashback mostly for the use of Psycho Killer.

KLEFAROLINE! I can’t believe this is the only episode ever that they all shared scenes at the same time.

Isn’t Shane dead?!? I can’t follow this storyline at all man.

You can always tell how bad the show is treating Bonnie by how bad her wig/hair is and right now it's getting bad again. It looked great with the curtain bangs but the full bangs are a no-go. How this show managed to make Kat Graham look NOT gorgeous on purpose is it's most heinous crime.

I think we can all agree when Klaus said “don’t underestimate the allure of darkness Stefan, even the purest of hearts are drawn to it” it was him propositioning Stefan and Caroline to have a threesome.

I’m really enjoying the NYC scenes and the flashbacks. It’s giving a different feel to the show and I like it, almost the opposite of how it made me feel in the beginning of the season. Maybe we’re transitioning with Elena again but this time it's about having no humanity and hedonism so it's like grimmy, dark and sexy. Also change of scenery once in a while is a good thing.

Klaus pushing Stefan against the tree was way more sexual than the script intended me thinks. Then Caroline rushes over, and that’s why we only got one episode of this throuple, le sigh.

Damn NH!Damon was cold blooded in the flashback with Lexi, I forgot about that.

4x18

Katherine compelling a whole town reminds me of WandaVision now.

Stefan pointing out how incompetent Damon is lol always funny (and true).

NH!Elena intimidating Katherine is GOLD! Nina is having so much fun with this arc and I love that for her.

Damon and Stefan being like “ew” at Katherine and Elijah like they both haven’t slept with her AND her doppelgänger.

Honestly the vial the cure was in did not look like a 2000 year old vial so like again, morons. Damon for some reason thought Katherine was as stupid as him and hide it in the most obvious spot.

NH!Elena is right how fucking stupid is Elijah that he trusted Katherine or believes anything she says EVER. He's just as gullible as his sister.

I’m with Elijah honestly Klaus no one cares about you being tormented, you’re the worst and this is karma. I'm also with him in regards to Rebekah and her insisting on taking the cure, you wouldn't last one day without superpowers, you're just bored and need attention.

4x19

Caroline still got the better dress lol. I do love when she uses men's affections to get herself things.

Silas appearing as everyone was a good villain for this half. Gave everyone an opportunity to play something different, plus there’s always something scary about a shapeshifter especially one that can read your mind.

Bonnie going cray-cray again but even worse her hair and this dull dress WTF?! Like they gave her prom queen but at what cost! I hope Kat burned this wig once she was free from it.

I personally feel like the Steroline prom dance affects Stefan more than Caroline. She maybe feels a little tingle after they share a look but Stefan’s reaction is way more played up. He’s the one who lowers his head like they might kiss and then the breath he takes after. My heart. Love how this becomes such an important moment in their love story, especially for him. He mentions it in his speech about loving her changed his life, and oh yeah his friggin' wedding vows!

See another vervain needle! This guy!

I'm sorry but LMFAO at Klaus talking about humanity saying mockingly "why does this always happen to innocent people" because he's kinda right! Being human in this world would be super lame with all the supernatural power and knowledge they have.

Elijah knows there's a super-powerful immortal psychic who can impersonate people wondering around and he doesn't ask for even a little bit of clarifying information when "Rebekah" says she passed his test. Also he just believes she passed his test? HOW IS HE THIS GULLIBLE?!

4x20

The first scene cracks me up in retrospect like “we three are contractually obligated to be in all episodes so here’s some random dialogue to fill that” LMFAO

MARCEL <333 you beautiful sexy ass hell man, I shall always crackship you with Bonnie Boncel4lyfe

Elijah is just as bad as Stefan when it comes to his brother, like OMG just let that man GO! Some people just don’t want to be saved man.

The Klamille scene when they looking at the painting and discussing it is really nice (plus great song). I know technically he looked at art with Caro first but like Cami actually appreciates art and Caro couldn’t really care less beyond distracting him lol.

4x21

IDK if I can believe Caroline was valedictorian… I mean I don’t think she’s dumb or not determined enough to get it but there is no way she attended enough classes to get it. Sorry show I don’t believe you.

You know Caroline is moving up in the TVD food chain when Matt turns a dig about her from Rebekah into a compliment!

Matt being the trigger for Elena made sense, he got the biggest emotional reaction out of her when she first saw him in the woods. I don’t think Damon got any real emotional reaction out of her tbh, and Stefan got some with her jealousy over Caroline and when he compared her to Katherine. This just proves Matlena should have been endgame like I’ve always said!

4x22

Stefan definitely had Caroline babysitting Elena.

Sorry but I love how everyone doesn’t even entertain the idea Elena could kill Katherine. They are like she’s 500 years old and 500x smarter than you, you will die.

Lexi’s comments are great foreshadowing for Steroline. They are ambiguous enough that they don’t say Stefan has feelings for Caroline but they don’t deny it. Lexi definitely seems to think so though and she's known him for over 100 years so...

I know Katherine and Elena have tons of reasons to want each other dead but it felt like they played it up on purpose this episode and the next one to make them fight and give Katherine the cure. It’s not OOC or anything just feels more manufactured than it needed to be.

I can’t believe they killed Bonnie! I know it’s temporary but JFC she can’t catch a break, this was an awful season half for her. Fuck Julie and Dries.

4x23

I can’t believe they had Stefan graduate LMFAO zero people believe he attended more than 2 classes this whole year.

I like how the Klaroline scene in 4x23 and the Steroline scene in 6x22 work in tandem. I used to view it as a conflict but now I appreciate how they work so well for Caroline. Two hot powerful guys promising her their heart and she gets to choose which one whenever she wants since they both gave an open timeline. It girl behavior!

I don’t think I ever zone out more than when Damon and Elena make one of their yelling love declarations of toxicity. I will never understand their appeal.

Poor Stefan. I do feel a little bad but they did hint all season he was going to be the one to move on and he knew it too. Through a rewatch it’s easy to see the hints and foreshadowing. His scene with Damon where he says he’s “not not happy for you” is great too because that’s what matters to him more in the end.

Human Katherine! Such a great storyline excited for it!

HELLO MY SHADOW SELF

Lines that made me laugh:

Rebekah: You’re like Sherlock Holmes with brain damage (she's annoying but she is funny!)

Elena: You got Lexi’d! (CRYING I swear everyone is funnier without humanity)

Caroline: I don’t know if this is your new weird way of flirting, but it sucks. (her delivery was the best part)

[paramorearchived]

June 23, 2013

Transcript:

what's cooler than being cool?

..... being yourself. That's what.

I was just thinking the other day... Looking at random blogs, fashion sites, online zines... and I got sad. Mostly because I feel like a lot of the different subcultures that exist today, exist because at some point there was someone who felt like they didn't fit in. (Stay with me.)They had a movement of their own to live for. So they did and maybe at some later point, it caught on or somebody else felt like they could fight for those same things. Maybe it wasn't even a "fight", maybe it was just a way of living. Marching to the beat of their own drum. My Granny always told my sisters and I from a very young age... "You girls just march to a different beat". I didn't really get it back then and honestly, I'm glad I didn't because when I was that young I didn't see the point in pointing out people's differences. It was just a way of living. Still is, I suppose. Or at least, I hope.

I do get it though and I see it in other people now... mostly young people. My sisters, for sure. But in a lot of our fans, as well. Again, mostly in the younger ones. Cause when we're just young enough, we're not yet jaded or bothered by what's "cool". We're not quite as worried about fitting into some of society's little cliques or sub-genres of human beings. So, we just do whatever comes naturally to us. Funny how there's an entire part of our culture completely obsessed with youth and beauty - yet we forget the most essential ingredient to youthfulness is that clean slate, non-judgemental, wide-eyed curiosity. You can't be sold any of that.

Anyway, I got sad because within these subcultures and an entirely new breed of "too-cool kids"... there are likely some people who, at some point, didn't fit in, weren't "normal", and probably needed somewhere to go to feel like they could fully express themselves. I see it everywhere. These are the nerds from junior high that got bullied everyday but then ended up in a band and now they've turned their old loser status into a trophy of pretentiousness to beat everyone over the head with. The guys and girls who wouldn't be caught dead in a regular old mall where they once probably got made fun of for what they were wearing... but are now wearing unique and fun brands like UNIF or Lazy Oaf (which, to be extra clear, I love) and calling everyone else "basic". I'm just saying, why doesn't the cycle end with the people who should've learned their lesson? Why aren't the once regarded weirdos and freaks raising up a new generation of people who are more self-assured in their individuality? Why does it seem like some of the strange ones found their bit of success and now look down on anyone else who doesn't look, think, or have the way they do? It's like seniors who constantly give sophomores a hard time as if they weren't just sophomores themselves like 3 years ago. I was not the most popular person in school. And even when I did have friends I still felt a bit like a weirdo. I'm not threatened by that... It's something that I hope to encourage other people with. That's a huge part of the message behind Paramore. To lift up the people who feel ashamed that they're different. To tell them that that's probably the coolest part about them.

At this very moment, at 24 years old, sitting here in sweats and looking/feeling utterly disastrous (hey, i got my rights)... I have to say, I'm really proud that as a kid I never felt like I fit in with the popular crowd. And as an adult, I don't feel like I fit in with the self-righteously uncool crowd either. Honestly, it's nice to be on a real quest to just be me everyday. No matter what. It doesn't matter if I'm in Silverlake, CA - land of the upturned noses - or back home in Nashville. Doesn't matter if we're on a red carpet. I guess I just couldn't care less. I'm not saying it's always easy but it's always worth it to stay true to you.

If anything, this could be a Back To The Future type of warning, to anybody who cares enough about this post, that high school ends but it never actually ends. There will still be people around who try to point at you and laugh. Who think you're not on some tip like they are. Who feel like their job, their shoes, their money, their boyfriend or girlfriend, their lifestyle ... is on some level that you haven't even ever heard of. The truth is that no one else could live your life. Nobody else - man or woman - could wake up and put on your shoes in the morning. Nobody else could pull it off. So own that. Cool is a lie. Cool doesn't matter and it never did. Merely perception.

In conclusion, you are your own torch carrier. Don't let anybody steal your light. Wear what you want. Think how you want. Challenge normal. And yes, even challenge what's "cool".

In total conclusion... We're really excited to be posting the video for "Anklebiters" in a couple of days. This is not an official single release, this is just a video we wanted to have done because of what the song has come to mean for our band. Thanks to all the people who came up on stage with us over the last tour and a half and sang it with us. This song is our way of contributing to the art of self-love and self-acceptance, no matter the odds.

We love you guys and we love you most when you're being yourself.

xxxxx h

[carriagelamp]

My internet died for about half a week this month, so I had a really peaceful few days where I had an enforced excuse to do nothing but relax and read when I got home from work. It was incredibly zen and I really sank into my books that week.

The Call of the Wild

A classic novel that I’ve always meant to read. I was sick and headachy this month and decided that this was the perfect sort of relaxing, narratively rich book to listen to. I really enjoyed it, would recommend. It follows a dog named Buck who’s snatched from his home in southern California and is shipped off to work as a sled dog in the Yukon, where a need for strong dogs to help transport goods over the snow and ice makes them very valuable. Buck has to learn how to survive in this harsh environment as everything from the weather, his fellows dogs, and his human masters seem to fight against him.

A Complicated Love Story Set In Space // How To Bite Your Neighbour and Win A Wager

Putting these two together because my experience with them was pretty similar. For both I was intrigued by the title, got them from the library on a whim, and didn’t really mesh with either. I didn’t really get far enough in either to give much of a review, they just didn’t vibe. A Complicated Love Story Set In Space set up a scenario that didn’t really interest me — not surprising, I’m picky about my scifi — and How To Bite Your Neighbour and Win A Wager just had an… odd writing style to it. It very much feels like it’s main goal is to be a kinda horny about vampires which, if that’s what you want, all the power to you, but it’s wasn't doing it for me. I had to suspend way too much disbelief for the scenario to function.

Indiana Jones and the Cup of the Vampire // Indiana Jones and the Curse of Horror Island

A pair of choose your own adventure books I found at a used book sale. I picked them up out of sheer amusement, and they were basically what I expected and paid for: cheesy 1980s adventure stories with Indiana Jones as a nominal protagonist. They were both varying degrees of improbable, ridiculous, and racist so YMMV but they were fun to play with while I was down and out on the internet front.

The Kootenay Kidnapper

Eric Wilson is a classic Canadian author who writes children’s mystery/thriller novels. I’ve never read him before and decided to remedy that. At this point I choose to withhold judgement until I read another… I’m not sure how I felt about The Kootenay Kidnapper. It had some nice descriptive language, successfully raised the tension from time to time and made me really try to piece together who the villain was, but then also had some strange dead zones as well. The whole thing read a bit like a 1990s stranger danger PSA which was also… weirdly nostalgic? But also just weird. Would try another.

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation comic v3

I continue to be a MDZS simp, this is not news. 

The Radium Girls

I don’t read much nonfiction, but this book was so narrative in its writing that I seriously couldn’t put it down. Kate Moore took a historical event (the girls that were paid to paint watch dials with radium paint in the early 1900s) that had been written about in scientific and legal styles, and instead retells it with a primary focus on the girls themselves. You follow a variety of real life women over the decades and learn about the all the machinations that went into them being horrifically poisoned by radium, and how that changed the very foundation of American workplace safety. Super engaging, unspeakably appalling.

Scott Pilgrim v1/2

My brother and I started watching Scott Pilgrim Takes Off on Netflix and… wow, it is not what either of us was expecting but we are loving it. We’ve both been big Scott Pilgrim fans since the naughts. Since I haven’t reread the series in years I decided I should pick it up to help notice the differences between the original series and this new show — I have the big, coloured omnibus version, so I reread the first collection of stories which amounts to volume 1 and 2 of the original. 

Scott Pilgrim is one of those comics that if you’ve somehow never read then you really need to, it’s one of my all-time favourites. It’s a story about Scott Pilgrim, a young adult who’s awkwardly trying to figure himself out, combining a coming-of-age slice-of-life with magical realism. The mysterious girl he meets, Ramona Flowers, can travel a subspace highway through Scott’s dreams — of course, don’t they teach Canadians how to do that? Huh, maybe it’s an American thing. Scott is known to be the best fighter in the province and when he defeats an enemy they explode into a pile of coins. One of the Evil Exes has Vegan Powers, and another can summon demonic back up dancers. This story just does whatever the fuck it likes and I adore it for that.

Heaven Official's Blessing v3/4

I continue to be TGCF simp, this is not— seriously, the series continues to be excellent and I only get more and more invested in not just Xie Lian and Hua Cheng, but also in the side characters that are introduced. I was thrilled to have Shi Qingxuan become a bigger player in book 4, and really liked the whole plot with the Venerable of Empty Words and Black Water. Please, someone, help this guy…

The Wind in the Willows

Another classic I had never read that I decided to pick up. It was excellent, I can see why it’s stayed so beloved over the years. Though I love a good cute-animals-in-lil-clothes-living-cute-lil-lives story, so I was an easy sell. It was much more tame than the likes of Redwall, but had a bit more going on than the likes of Brambly Hedge — it keeps you very engaged, but never raises the stakes so high that it stops feeling light and comforting. It is essentially a collection of stories that follow Mole and Rat, a pair of friends that live together on the river, through the seasons and the various misadventures they and their friends go on.

The Woman They Could Not Silence

Since I liked The Radium Girls I decided to pick up another one of Kate Moore’s books. This one follows a woman who was intentionally committed to an insane asylum by her husband, purely because she was intelligent and outspoken, refusing to be cowed to his opinions or beliefs. This story details her time in the insane asylum, the abuses that the patients suffered, and how she came to fight the laws that allowed for such abuses to be perpetuated in the first place. A fascinating read about a historical figure I had never heard about before.

[yinyinggie]

PSPSPSPS YINGGG about the advice thing teehee

do you have advice on forming and keeping meaningful relationships? idk why i always have so much trouble with this TT

forming meaningful relationships

give them time!

the right people will come to you at the right time, stay patient and trust that there will be people for you :)

you can also reach out to people who give you good vibes and who make your gut feel good! your instincts never lie

learn how to attune yourself to other people's emotions – people pick up on these things and you naturally attract others.

remember to always love yourself first, before loving others! being satisfied and content with yourself helps you to look for the good in others than comparing yourself at first glance.

watch how people interact with others! if there are people who naturally treat others with respect and kindness, gravitate towards them.

also try looking for people with things past a common ground! it's nice to form friendships where you like the same things, but it's typically not telling of who they are as a person as well :")

if they do things that hurt you, don't take it too personally – especially if it wasn't directed at you. it sucks to see that side of them but we all have those days

always follow up after you've met someone! invite them to hang out, get lunch together, go somewhere that lies within your common ground! it's always nice to get to know someone better, especially after you've hit it off.

always, always, always be yourself. attract people with your own personality, not someone else!

don't wait on someone to ask for your help – go ahead and offer! this shows that you take your relationship with them seriously and you're a good friend. they'll come back – not just for your help.

try to respond quickly! (i'm not the best at this) responding fast allows people to understand that you're here for them. while sometimes, responding in 2 days can't be helped, just try hehe

don't be too judgemental. sometimes it ends up clouding our opinion of them and it gets hard to see the good parts of them after a while. it's alright to have an opinion, but don't let it take over your entire relationship!

ask them about their love language, if you've been acquaintances for a while but you want to be better friends! people usually don't mind this question and it can even be a fun ice breaker. this also establishes their boundaries (e.g. they're not comfortable with physical touch, but they love encouragement and one-on-one friend time)

pick your battles – especially if you disagree with them about something. it's good to make a stand but it's not good to keep arguing with them all the time; so pick your battles to fight. it's okay to agree to disagree.

show up for them! if they've had a bad day, talk to them, ask them if they want to talk about it. chances are, they'd come to you when you're having a bad day too.

a secret is a secret.

ask them if they want advice, or comfort. differentiating between the two is highly important because it could really go either way. always ask before giving.

be genuine! be authentic! be yourself! it's always 100% guaranteed that you'd find people with you're you.

have fun, and be patient! these relationships take time to form. trust that there will be people. you got this!!

[alexissara]

Looking back at the art I was most looking forward to for 2023.

So last year I made a post about all the art I was excited about going into 2023. I want to look back at this list and quickly talk about what I thought about all the art I was most hype about going into a new year.

Fire Emblem Engage: I wrote two different reviews one for the main game and one for the DLC. I've also written a one year later impressions on it. Over time I have come to like the game less and less to the point in which I basically just like the lesbians from the dessert. It's a game that every time I think about it I like it less even when I actively try and be positive I find more things I dislike. It is still a Fire Emblem game so not the worst way to spend time but I'd rather play a fan game, rom hack or an older game in the series.

Arcane Season 2: Didn't happen, 2024 is when we are told to expect to see more so we'll see.

Assorted Entanglements: Never read it, I had a chance to pick it up but I ultimately went with another manga over it.

Super Lesbian Animal RPG: Still playing it ever so slowly, I really like it, I think it's cute but I want to see the whole game before I cast a judgement and I guess that I haven't beat it yet could say something.

The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady: I fucking loved this anime so much, one of my top animes of all time, a true master piece to me, I am floored by it, I wish there was an English dub for easier viewing fun but otherwise I mean this really took my breath away.

Asumi-chan is Interested in Lesbian Brothels!: I've read all the current volumes now, it's a personal favorite series, I really love it, it's so much funnier and more charming and wholesome then I expected. It's sometimes sexy but mostly I just enjoy Asumi as a character and following her journey.

Street Fighter 6: Really loved this game, it was great, I had a great time in World Tour Mode but I do think the game was lacking in a lot of areas like more freedom with your avatar for more modes and the monetization is right under MK for worst monetization in a fighting game of all time.

Gwitch Season 2: Not nearly as good as season 1, It's still good but it is a big downgrade of boring forced drama and wasted character potential along with rushed plot elements. Still, the animation is great, the characters are still good, and everything is nice.

Walk With The Living 2: Only played a little bit of it, I'd like to play more but I wasn't totally gripped by it. It's cute but I hit a map that I really couldn't beat and I wish it had more in the way of sounds effects to give some impact to the actions.

I'm In Love With The Villainess [Anime]: A really great time, I mean I really loved every episode and I just wish they either confirmed a season 2 right away or made the pacing more tight. The show was still funny and cute and fun and charming and overall I had a great time watching it with multiple of my partners and had no problem rewatching on the same day where for many things I'd find that boring.

Granblue Fantasy Relink: DIdn't come out but I probably am not buying day one because the way steam users are getting fucked on in game gacha codes. The roster also looks far more pathetic than I had hoped for. This game moved from a must buy to a wait and see it go on sale type deal.

[queenharumiura]

[Never would happen, but i don't care] (Mukuro) kissing them to shut them up .

Taken from meme: [x] ||Accepting|| KEK, and that's why I said none of these are canon so just treat it like fun time~ glad you're taking me up on that lol First is a joke drabble.

Haru was talking nonstop like she does at times, and she had inadvertently been annoying Mukuro all this while. He asked her something about costumes, and as it's one of her major hobbies, she was excited to talk about it!

She was getting into all the technical parts of making a costume, and that's not what he was really interested in learning about. Haru had misunderstood in her excitement.

There was only one thing to do. Shove some chocolate into her face.

Haru was surprised for sure, but she wasn't going to waste the hershey kisses that she was so rudely bestowed. Chew chew chew.

-

KEK, now for the actual attempt to clearing the prompt. It wasn't stated who was doing the kissing, so I made the choice.

-

It wasn’t very often, but there were times that Haru would go on some missions, and they were normally recon-based. Sometimes, she’d be asked to infiltrate an area and scope out the place by acting like a regular civilian. It wasn’t hard when you thought of it was a vacation or something. It wasn’t often when she was paired off with another person- but she had reason to believe that it was simply because they secretly had someone tailing her to ensure her safety.

It was like they had no faith at all- rude. Anyways, the Vongola were tipped off to some girls going missing, to never be seen again. Investigations have led to all the women having something in common, that they had contact with a man who promised them that he may have a high paying job laid out for them. The girls would quit their jobs after talking to him, and all seemed fine at first until all contact with them would get cut off a few weeks afterwards.

Having a number of women go missing in such a way was obviously a concern.

That enough warranted the attention of the Vongola, and so they had no other choice than to ask one of the girls to scope the scene and maybe even be the bait. With the prospects of this mission taking weeks at a minimum to complete, many of the women affiliated with the Vongola were busy with their own missions. They couldn’t possibly be held up with a mission like this over a more crucial mission.

Not to mention that some just weren’t cut out for missions involving acting and appearing meek enough to be a prime target for this guy that targeted young women. Through a process of elimination, Haru was asked to take on the mission herself.

Honestly, even Haru initially had her reservations about assigning this to her. It wasn’t to say that she was utterly hopeless at acting… but she did have a temper. Haru wasn’t afraid to simply punch a pervert who had untoward intentions. Dr. Shamal was a common victim of her punches, and Haru will die on the hill that he deserves every punch she gives him.

She wasn’t entirely confident she wouldn’t immediately punch the guy if he did approach her out of righteous vindictiveness, but if she thought about how she needed to find out what had happened to the missing women, she could stay her fist for a brief moment.

What her mission details read, was that she was to somehow make contact with the man in question and find out as much as she could about him. If she could figure where all the other girls had gone, even better.

The true issue were the identities of most of the missing women. They either had no family, or were estranged from their own families, so it didn’t gain much traction for their going missing until now. The other troubling part of their identities were that many of the women had jobs like being a cabaret girl, or working in places like maid cafes.

That alone made Haru cast the judgement that the guy was a major pervert, because he only targeted women who worked in fields where you had to sell smiles a customer service and treat men like Kings.

Was she wrong? Absolutely not.

How they did it, she didn’t know, but after pulling some strings, Haru was given a job at a cabaret club as one of the girls who served drinks to customers. Her name at work was ‘Rumi-chan,’ and all the other workers had the understanding that her real name was ‘Hanako,’ an orphan girl who was struggling because of the debts her parents left her with.

As such, she had to settle for working at a cabaret club. She thought she was going to lose her mind from having to tolerate the perverts who flocked to the club on a nightly basis. If not for her target entering the club, Haru may have left the club after causing some chaos.

Alas… Haru could exercise restraint and patience for the greater good. It didn’t take long for her to catch the eye of the bastard after he’d heard from the other girls about how they had a new hire. They asked him to treat her well because she was struggling with debts.

Haru was sure they had good intentions… and for the sake of her mission, this worked out great! This ‘Muramasa’ was apparently some 2nd generation rich kid who liked to flaunt his money at all the clubs in this district, so they were possibly looking out for her.

You could get a hefty bonus if you served rich clients, after all.  

SIGH

Her poor blood pressure. It took every single fiber of her being to refrain from slapping him every time he touched her. It didn’t even matter how innocent a touch it could have been, she felt disgusted by even breathing the same air as a man who was suspected of trafficking women away.

Whenever she was given a break, Haru would always go outside to be away from the customers. She liked going on a small walk to escape from it all, clear her mind. It was a few days into her meeting Muramasa when she noticed that she was being tailed every time she went on break. (In her defense, she used to not be able to tell if someone was tailing her, but she’s improved! It took her a few days to notice, but she got around to it eventually! Give her some credit)

Anyways, it was evident that she was probably going to be the next target. Guess the next phase of the plan of being bait was going to run smoothly. How great. (Can you hint the sarcasm?)

Sad that even when on break she didn’t have the freedom to truly relax.

She feels someone’s gaze on her and she looks to the side to see a familiar face. What was Mukuro doing in this district? Maybe he had some business here? Was he looking for information? There were a few underground factions working here, like how some of the cabaret clubs had affiliations with the Yakuza. Maybe that’s how the Vongola managed to pull strings to get Haru a position.

The eye contact had gone for too long now that she thought about it. Ah! Did the ones tailing her notice that? Was that going to look suspicious? She quickly changes her pathing and she heads straight for him.

“Kyaa~ You’re back in town? It’s been so long!”

(No one look at her please, her pride is dying here with every step she takes!)

She reaches for him, guiding his face with her hands so she can steal a kiss.

Almost.

In truth, just at the last second, she placed her thumb in between their lips so they didn’t actually share a kiss.

She fears that she’d get in a lot of trouble if she stole a kiss from Rokudo Mukuro.

Just when she pulls away from the ‘kiss’ and she gives him a big hug next. “I’m on a mission, and I go by Rumi. Don’t ruin my cover.” She whispers. When she pulls away from the hug, she left a small note tucked onto the collar of his shirt. “If you could deliver that, I’d be grateful.” It was a note that she had to get delivered to any of the Vongola guardians.

“You’re so mean, why didn’t you say anything about you being in town again? Mou~ You’re so bad. Are you going to visit the club later?” Haru continues to act as though she was just talking to an old customer she knew.

(Surely that’d be enough to fool her trackers? QuQ)

“Ah, my break is almost over. I have to go back. You should visit again, okay? Bye~” With a playful wink (she’s only acting as her Rumi setting requires of her. Don’t judge her!) she trots off back to the club to resume work.

Someone save Haru, she doesn’t want to do this anymore! Hasn’t she suffered enough? Now someone she knows had to witness her acting. Excuse her as she’s mentally crying her life away.

[missizzy]

A Game Novice's Baldur's Gate Log, 116 Hours In: I met Tara! And also some others

Masterpost

(Note: this will definitely contain spoilers for all I've played through, and probably quite of a bit of the later stuff I've also seen.)

I spent most of this week wandering around Rivington and surrounding areas, clicking on characters and having them talk at me, having longer conversations with a few people, including my companions, sighing at the steady amount of lag, and occasionally battling followers of the Absolute, but nothing too difficult. It's been slow going at times. There was even one hour I played where when I expended too many resources and got stuck under the well, I just exited without saving, because there wasn't much accomplished to save for. But despite the mishaps, I enjoyed a lot of it. It even got me to write a another fic.

After seeing a little bit of Rivington and the the refugee camp last week, we started this week by bribing our way past the screening into the circus, much to Karlach's delight. I'm afraid she didn't have that good a time though. When we first approached the stage with the Dribbles impersonator, I even volunteered her to go up on stage with him, but that didn't actually make her happy from the start. When Sara ended up accidentally killing the old man civilian in the subsequent fight, I reloaded, and this time had her go up there herself, if only because I now figured that worked better strategically. Which it did, but the old man ended up getting killed by the beasts anyway. Guess there was no saving him.

From there, the conversations included:

Orin, again, this time administering the love test, which I'd only seen the start of, so I didn't even know it was her. It did feel quite romantic for Sara to answer questions about Gale that were quite easy for her (I'm sure Gale has at least shown her simple images of his tower by now), and I was only sorry there was no way to have questions about her for him. Sara, on the other hand, is now very worried about how much information they gave away to the enemy...

I had Karlach spin the wheel with the djinni, because I really did want her to have a little fun at this damn circus. But of course, she only ended up spotting that he was cheating, and I had her walk away before he turned her into a cheese wheel, since I didn't feel like dealing with that.

Yenna, when I then went back to camp to swap her for Astarion, due to the journal suggesting his siblings would be in a nearby flophouse. Sara had told her at their first meeting her mother was probably dead, because she thought she probably was (to the disapproval of all three companions she had with her at the time!), but she was happy to welcome her into the camp. Also Mattis after returning to Rivington, whom I managed to sell and buy a little bit from, but our gold is actually now starting to run a little low.

The Gur, who further added to her sad conscience when they revealed the bounty hunter she let Astarion kill wasn't working for Cazador. She nonetheless trusted his judgement on the likely fate of their children, but placated them by promising to at least kill he whom she and Astarion had decided to kill already.

Danzo Arkwright, Commander Lightfeather, and two more members of Pigeon Messenger Corps. Seriously, the latter three were priceless. Best use of a Speak with Animals potion ever. I was genuinely sorry when Sara proved of no use to them against the beast on the Temple roof killing their numbers...

...because said beast turned out to be Tara! Who may be a Tressym, but certainly was still behaving delightfully like a cat. Sara was so happy to meet her, she didn't even ask her to leave the pigeons alone. She didn't try retrieve Danzo's letter, either, since it appeared to have been opened.

She was even happier when this got Gale to talk about his mother and reveal his last name, and more still when he talked about introducing her to Morena Dekarios, and other things about his tower that reflected on him seeing a future with her there. As her backstory has developed in my head, I have also recently decided that her tribe didn't do family names, and Tully is in fact the name of her late wife. So now she is totally scribbling Sara Dekarios all over her brain, since it would only make sense to exchange a dead spouse's name for the new one's.

I have also decided (even if the game itself thinks otherwise), that she herself arrived at at Baldur's Gate in her early adulthood not exactly as a refugee, but very much a displaced person, which absolutely is dictating her response to all anti-refugee sentiments expressed to her. Including her conversations with the temple staff, when we then descended from the roof and talked to them about the murder of Father Lorgan, and made her all the more determined to keep the refugees from being blamed.

The longest lull in conversations of the week ended up happening here, as we went down to the Temple basement, got into the cave after I did enough button pushing to seemingly get them in the right order or whatever, and tried to sneak around the doppelgangers at first, but ended up fighting them while trying to steal their stuff. Finding the flophouse key and the murder weapon, we then exited into the Western Beach, watched the Guild and the Stone Lord fight, and then fought the survivors, which got us worn down enough to need a long rest. From there, the conversations included:

Wyll's speech about how "there's no place like Baldur's Gate" contrasted sharply with Halsin's the next morning when I rotated him in as party healer, seeing only the city's downtrodden and vulnerable. You have to recognize the latter is definitely seeing things more accurately, of course. Though Wyll would ultimately gain a lot of Sara's respect when the last thing I did this week was talk with him after we learned Gortash had ordered the city closed off to the refugees. His talk about the city being better than that she knows to be true; she was once among those who benefited from it being so, after all. She trusts his assessment of Gortash's motivations, too.

Sara asked both Astarion and Karlach if they might consider turning into mind flayers. She's making no more assumptions about what the former might or might not be willing to do for power, and was hoping the latter might find it a viable alternative to death or Avernus. I had in fact seen Astarion's response already, but Neil's performance there makes it worth a rewatch. When they both refused, she won't ask anyone else.

Vlaakith showing up to make Lae'zel a final offer, but noone was buying what she was selling anymore. Though Sara's a little disturbed by Lae'zel's now jumping right into devotion to Orpheus, without maybe considering making a life for herself and her coming hatchling that didn't need to be dictated to her by such entities. But when she insisted she could only consider her own future after freeing this prince, Sara resigned herself to doing so.

Karlach's once again getting overheated and thinking she's going to die soon, which finally got me to hammer out fic involving her and Wyll cuddling up. And also kissing.

So when the Emperor showed up in her dreams that night, with her newly decided she's going to betray him, she was pretty cold to him. It didn't help her view of him that he was now lamenting over the freeing of the Netherbrain that he had essentially ordered us to bring about.

After a long and fruitful walk of looting things up from the beach, I clicked on the side deck of a structure right by the South Span checkpoint to see if the characters could get onto it without jumping. Since they couldn't, they instead turned and starting walking around, only stopping when they hit the confrontation with the guards. Sara was extremely indignant at them demanding money for her to come into the city she's a legal resident of, but played along until the Steel Watch robot tried to scan her, at which point I had her retreat. I wanted to finish going around Rivington first anyway.

We went into Rivington General, but most of the stuff was way too expensive to buy. I sold off some loot, and bought a couple of arrows to placate the shopkeeper a little.

Our first venture into the abandoned windmill, we ended up waking and fighting the newly transformed mindflayer. When that ended up being part of the hour I ended up not saving on, I went into the windmill again just for the ring and the XP, and Astarion successfully picked it from his pocket this time without waking him. Then I went back to that structure whose side-deck came so close to the grass outside the checkpoint, and this time, had the characters jump onto it, getting us into Wyrm's Crossing unscanned by any robots.

So far, we've only been to the flophouse. Neil was once again at his best as Astarion turned nasty on his siblings, though unfortunately some of the effectiveness of his performance was diluted by the lag putting things out of sync. Sara went along with his abuse of his brother, but is now outright balking when he continues to talk about killing them to ascend.

Seeing all the locked chests on the second floor, I then decided to try the key on each of them, only for the guy wandering around to stop us twice. I ended up turning on non-lethal damage for the first time so Sara could knock him out. The key didn't work on any of them, but we found the ladder to the attic, and then the wardrobe the key did work on, and the smuggling space behind it with the remaining evidence we needed. I also managed my most fruitful use of the Speak with Dead spell yet, after we found Ffion Goldgrind's body and interrogated her. I considered some fancy way of getting out, but thankfully the guy Sara knocked out hadn't woken up yet, and so we were able to just walk past him and out.

Once I confirmed the investigator we needed to speak to was in the Sharess' Caress, I went back to camp to get Lae'zel, swapped her in for Astarion, and left off after the aforementioned conversation with Wyll. I'm kind of tempted to swap him in, too, though I'm not sure who I'd have him replace.

[scarletlilyy]

I can go on for days how much teenage boys treat girls they don't find attractive differently but here's my most recent experience

Okay first of all I just want to say the experience varies, some guys are only friends with girls they don't find attractive cus it's easier and they don't have to get nervous around them, these kinda guys r usually alr but sometimes they view u as a man/male friend and it can be very degrading

some guys are only friends with girls they find attractive and it's not necessarily always with the intentions of dating sometimes just for attention or a pretty face to look at imo. These kind of guys are usually not kind to girls they don't find attractive

either way the experience of girl, especially black girl, who's not conventionally attractive is not always a fun one.

Currently, I'm at summer camp and it's been really fun for the most part. Today we were doing some art group work thingy and I went to a group with two guys just to see their stuff. I stood there and asked them if I could see their stuff like 5-6 times and they just ignored me and didn't say anything. Like nothing like "no" or anything. It was until I went ahead to just peek at it anyway, just for one of them to say "you'll see it fully when we win"

that wasn't bad of anything but what really set me off is how they treat me differently compared to the other girls at the camp.

For example one of the guys I approached in particular has been very kind to some other girls, one time he pulled out a chair for one of my friends and even pulled the seat closer to him, some other girls were standing too but he only offered the seat to her and like was really nice to her. Then another time he named his first aid dummy another girl's name and ik this doesn't all sound super romantic, but they were really "bold" advances and some of the girls at camp agreed

I've engaged in conversation with him but I can tell he likes to talk to the other girls better and that whole ignoring thing was just so fucking embarrassing.

Also keep in mind everyone in my class is Asian but me, specifically the class is mostly Chinese. (No hate to Chinese people)

Sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting but I really feel like he wouldn't have acted that way if I was someone else

In the past I've had a lot of personality issues, like I've not always been the kindest person. I'm still not but I'm a lot better than I was back then, a lot of guys hated me back then and I really still think it was cus

1. I'm not conventionally attractive

2. I'm decently smart/high achieving in academics

3. I'm black, loud & opinionated

The attractive thing really plays a part cus the girls at my summer camp people showed interest in are extremely loud and rude. And I'm sorry if that sounds like a pick me thing but gosh there were a lot of moments I hoped they'd calm down and shush a lil bit

they were really nice to me and appreciate that a lot, they just openly talked shit about a lot of people

one girl would loudly talk about how she homewrecked a couple cus she thought the guy was too hot for the girl. The other would talk about she hated ppl who didn't have symmetrical faces and they were still desired by guys (maybe not the second one cus she was not really the standard beauty anyway, but that still proves my point)

so if they are desired when they r bitchy & loud? why can't I????

cus I'm black lol.

My bitchy was a lot different kind of bitchy, like not to justify it but my main issue was being very judgemental and always calling out racism. Ik the calling out racism doesn't sound bad but I just did it all the wrong ways, I'd legit curse people out and report them to teachers.

I was just an angry preteen but I really regret the way I went about justice back then, I've honestly learnt just to accept the racism cus ppl my age especially guys will never change their racist ways and If I fight back everyone's gonna hate me

sometimes I do set boundaries but arguing is not worth it anymore.

Don't forget I was also very judgemental. it's a bad habit of mine but sometimes stupid people really piss me off...

Another thing that contributed to why I was so hated was cus I was a smart black girl in a predominantly Asian school (grd 6&7 yr) I really didn't notice the racism from the Asians for a long time until one of them started being really forward about it and it suddenly made sense why I was excluded and didn't have too many friends when I moved to the school despite the fact I was very extroverted.

There was this one chinese guy in that particular class he questioned why I was so unathletic when I was black and why I was good at math

Cus apparently black people can't be good at math and suck at basketball. There was only really one other student who was openly (there were some undercover nerds imo) dominating academics as much as I was in that class and the guys would often use that against me and claim he was smarter than me

the funny thing is that the guy was really humble and did not care, but his insecure friends weaponized it so much.

I still would orather be in an Asian predominant school than white though. Cus in my grade 7 school and current highschool, white people are the minority but I can confidently tell you they are the most open about their racism cus they can get away with it (most of the teachers in my country r white)

After moving away from that school (the grd 6&7 school) to an even worse school, I made friends with the new kid that came after I left the school.

We were somewhat close online and we'd have friendly academic competition, even though we were in different schools. I apparently found out he had been leaking my grades to the boys at his school, even though he knew they hated me and would do anything to see my academic downfall

and I was just so devastated

anyways, I've gone a lil off topic but it all comes down to the point that things would have been majorly different in any school I've been too, if I was their type.

A lot of my past guy crushes or even just guys I've found attractive, hated/disliked me or just found me plain annoying.

At first I used to entirely blame them and everyone around me. Nowadays, I try to recognize the fault in my own actions and work to fix that. I'm not perfect, sometimes I slip in a few insults to men when they piss me off even the slightest bit.

Then I go ahead and overthink it for a little bit, then heavily regret my actions.

I've done that a few times at camp, like I'm cautious of the way I act and the stuff I say now cus I really don't want another class hating me.

It hurts knowing whatever I do will never be enough and any slight mistake I make will be their final impression of me.

In my current high school, I have a decent amount of male friends but they r the kind that are only friends with girls they are not attracted to. Which like I said is not a bad thing but sometimes really degrading cus I don't think they see me as a woman. Also I think my male friends are mostly there for homework answers but whatever lol.

But it's much preferable than to have so many guys hating on you lol, I don't feel male validation but I also don't want male hate.

[secondfuckingguessing]

Not April's fool

I feel like so much has changed recently. I feel so different. It's easier to let go. Easier to choose what to focus on. Now the halo effect of last week's concert is gone, but I still feel fine. Not all is lost. Not everyone turned into a drag. Not every friend turned out weird. I had to give up everyone I felt was part of my identity. And yes, I was fun. I wasn't always hurt or had to be judgemental. I have it in me.

Things that used to consume all my thoughts and provoke visceral reactions don't hold as much power over me now. I know better than to let myself go without trying to stop it. It never led me anywhere good anyway. I lost some weight. I'm more accepting of my reality, my flaws and my mistakes. They happened. I've dealt with people who hurt me and that impacted my life a lot over the last decade. Yes. That also made me grow a lot and I'm finally reaching a point where the growth is greater than the resentment. I don't miss those people anymore. I let go of ana quite peacefully, my last strand of thinking i couldn't afford to lose the few friends I had (even though I didn't even identify with them that much anymore). Quite honestly, it didn't change much in my life. It turns out I was putting in all the effort once more. She might not be doing it on purpose,but still. It has been going on for far too long. I was completely shut off from her life. It's quite clear now she's on her trip I knew nothing about. I was silly to think it was my duty to keep the whole thing going while she healed or whatever. She's doing that through other people. I was feeling let down much more often than happy about the relationship. I felt sensitive and judgy and I honestly thought there's something wrong with me. I can't like my friends. I can't accept the way real relationships work. I'm delusional and I should care less. Maybe I'm finally learning what reciprocity means. Bia showed me that. Even though we hadn't seen each other in probably 10 years, it felt more natural than with people I thought I was close with. Am I resenting ana right now? No. But I don't exactly miss her right now either. Our good times, of genuine fun have not been recent. It was becoming this heavy weird friendship with lots of things unsaid and a lack of will to really show up to the friendship. Getting older sucks when you groe in different directions. At least I am growing, i can't say what she's interested in besides pokemon. She seems a bit too passive for my liking.

I'm letting go even of the illusion of f. I'd like to have what we had. I feel more openness in me to live that, but it's not about him. He never made me feel special. He never seemed too committed. He was just going with the flow. I know i have so much to give to someone who shows he really wants to be there, here with me. I just never felt that from him. I'm starting to think he's with someone new. I'm not sure why. If that's the case, I know I'm never seeing him again. He won't make the slightest effort to and it's not like he was even before. I'm not sure I care anymore. I truly feel I deserve better. It's his loss, honestly. I'm not that invested into chasing him just to make things right inside. If he's that big of a loser, I'll let him be.

Also, giovana. I'm not that pisssed, I'm not that hurt. She is kinda phony. She's kind of too invested in her own image, her persona. That's kinda lame, doesn't matter how many international travels she does a year. That's lack of character. Even when she thinks she's saying the right things, it feels empty. She's pretending to be this, but really she's investing in what she feels brings her more value. It's transactional in the end. I don't admire this kind of behavior, she can go fuck herself. It's good to see I'm not that hurt anymore. It's not about me being rejected anymore. These people around me really are more than what i thought previously. I don't exactly like this other side of them. Genuinely. I wouldn't choose them based on that. Julia feels childish in a way. She's deluded by parties and going after what she wants like the world is opening up to her more than 10 years later. Even after I talked to her she refuses to see anyone else than her. Funny that the only person she gave herself to was her ex, and it wasn't a great dynamic either. I wish her luck on her maturing.

I feel less lonely, even though not much has changed. I feel kike bia is someone I could on if I needed. Not exactly a shoulder to cry on, but on practical things. Like if i needed company to get a dress. I don't know why that's the thought that popped into my head. I don't want to be this heavy person always hurt and complaining. I can deal with my own sorrows. I do feel different and I hope it stays and expands and turns into something even greater and more beautiful. I feel less insecure. I feel better. Healing rocks and I'm glad to know there are good people still around, even for me.

I hope this leads me great places and that I bump into good people.