#(maybe... if i am alive enough for it) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wrathyforest · 2 months ago

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Today's performance with Wang Yifei, Zuo Yiping and Guo Hongxu <3 LC-mu knows how to resurrect me, my mental health is holding only thanks to them.

#my art #when no one got me I know lc mu got me #damn I was in my dying mode and THEY JUST BROUGHT ME FUN #UGHHHHHHH i love them so much #link click #shiguang dailiren #shiguang #lu guang #cheng xiaoshi #qiao ling #for the last few months I touched a pen maybe 2 or 3 times #the world is about to collapse and if I die tomorrow I am happy to be alive today where such a thing as this musical exists #I still hardly find a will to draw even though I know I have a lot of stuff to be drawn #but I just...can't.#trying again and again for nothing #so now I'm just happy it inspired me enough for this little piece #i still want to believe things will be better

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deep-space-lines · 6 days ago

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can't wait til I start this stupid job so I won't have to be doing commissions all the fucking time to buy groceries, this shut sucks the joy out of art so much. I wanna be drawing ultrakill stuff & personal art & doing crafts & reading books but every time I sit down to do something for me I'm thinking about the fact that I should be doing commissions. I'm so glad I didn't go into art as an actual career, I would hate myself so much forever

#i just want art to be able to be a hobby again aaaaa #i can talk about it here bc nobody who's commissioning me knows this is my blog. ive gotten like 2 commissions off tumblr ever lmfao #and tbh i am tired of pretending to be enthusiastic about drawing other peoples ocs. im so tired of customer service voice #im not gonna lie most of the time i do not care about your blorbo. i'm glad you're having fun im happy for u but i just need money #im happy you like my art enough to pay for it but im so TIRED #being self employed sucks like yeah i can choose my own hours but im also always thinking 'i could be working now' and i HATE IT #i don't wanna make it sound like i'm gonna starve or anything I can ask my parents for money if i really need to #im not like in genuine poverty or the biggest victim of capitalism here i just have a family that's deeply unpleasant to interact with #but im starting a half-time job at the university physics department at the end of the month and that'll be enough to cover Being Alive!!!#and will also hopefully be something i am genuinely interested in & enjoy with people who seem relatively cool #(they're gonna let me into the machine shop!! im gonna get to build things!! they were genuinely interested in my robotics experience!!)#so once art stops being the Thing Temporarily Feeding Me i'm hoping i'll be able to draw more fun stuff again. & maybe even enjoy comms #it's somehow easier to be enthusiastic about commissions when i know the money will be going to buy a Cool Sword instead of food

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mllekurtz · 2 years ago

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i'm just. taking a break from work and thinking about the fact that it's been almost two years since the c2 finale and that campaign still has me in a chokehold. i still think about the wizards all the time, which shouldn't surprise anyone but it's still remarkable. just taking a little moment to be in my feelings about them on main, nothing to see here

#i know it's been crickets on my ao3 for a while but i am still alive #in fact i am going to share a snippet of the one shot i'm working on for wip wednesday if i can remember which day it is for long enough #things might be settling down for me maybe? i got my shit together enough last week to finally decide to go back to therapy #this is probably a subject for another post and not the tags of this one but i can't wait to feel like i'm living again #and not simply surviving #and while writing is an excellent coping mechanism i would also love to experience the joy of creation again #alright back to work with me #thanks for reading my ramblings if you made it this far #i sincerely wish you a lovely timezone

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triglycercule · 1 month ago

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dust and horror angel and demon themes,,,, they could totally parallel each other...... :3

dust=angel of death described in the delta rune prophecy (self declared) (i DEFINITELY elaborated on this one waayyyy before but anyways dust with a fucked up savior complex SAVE ME SAVE ME.... death is a blessing ass guy. life is torment and he will be the one to liberate monsters from their bodies and with the strength they provide to him be able to take down evil evil creation of pure misery that is the human ✨✨✨ dont worry his evil cackles are to HIDE HIS PAIN of saving everyone....... trust)

horror=demon that dragged everyone in horrortale into hell (as perceived by everyone else) (i think it would be a cool hc if everyone outside of snowdin viewed horror as literally a demon. maybe undyne preaches that. anyone outside of snowdin might be WAYYY worse because they starve for longer and literally take part in cannibalism so they might not have the same sort of mild sanity that snowdin residents do,,,, besides he DID kinda bring them all eternal suffering. kinda. nobody but undyne knows what happened at the core so she could totally just paint the story to blame horror fully)

ANYWAYS i like the possible dynamics this could have :333

dust to horror (please let me kill you PLEASE let me kill you i can end it all so peacefully wouldn't it be nice??? i promise ill make it quick just for you),,, horror to dust (i want you to live and suffer with what youve done i want you to watch all of your choices hit you one day and i'll be there and laugh at you. i'll keep you alive just to keep you suffering ok?)

OR dust to horror (you dont deserve to die you dont deserve to even be hurt by me. not because youre the exception but youre the Exception i absolutely loathe you so youll never get the sweet release of death :3) and horror to dust (just let me die already i dont wanna be here. youre supposed to be a savior right??? an angel?? then why don't you save me already when i need it more than anyone else)

#SHITS THIS OUT BECAUSE I NEED TO GET RID OF IT. my evil doppelganger will adore this post i've already shown them #this is definitely a bit of an exaggeration of their characters in my eyes but i love it :333 #i dont think that dust is THIS deluded in my eyes and i dont think horror is this cynical. even tho theyre both still these traits #i came up with this idea while writing my mtt meets eachother fic :3 #you can probably totally guess where i made the connection. thank you horrortale undyne for this one single thing #anyways i dont know how to shove killer into this LMAO. i was thinking like.... angel and demon on your shoulder to swap choices #but but triglycercule doesnt killer already have that with his stages??? well YES but both can be true at the same time :333 #idk i dont have enough brain juices for this rn. so you get this half assed explanation 😭😭‼️‼️‼️#dust: we should kill this person. totally because they need to be freed and not because they piss me off #horror: no we should keep them alive but torment them so they never get the sweet release of death and suffer #and thanks to killer THEY CAN DO BOTH!!! YAAAAY!!!!! the powers of determination are awesome man (smug tiktok emoji)#dust is sounding awfully similar to a certain killer au of mine i made..... swapinverse rearing its ugly head once again smh #idk if this is more of a symbolic thing or LITERALLY angel dust and demon horror #because i like both ideas........ imagine an actual angel dust and demon horror going around with killer doing the little dialogue i said #what would killer be in this??? he's not a mortal or a human as would be per usual when describing whats between an angel or demon #killer as a god lmao..... noooo noooooo..... maybe just something akin to one. i meaaan technically-#someone who's more into religious theming would probably eat this idea but i cant be bothered uaghhhh #if i say anything about killer i will get shot. but i can tank a couple bullets. killer does have the ability to let both dust and horror #fufill their own ideologies. and also i am a big fat SUCKER for killer keeping horror and dust 'in line' IDC if its a bad sanses concept #i love it and therefore it's now mine to use in an only mtt context. otherworldly beings trio ‼️‼️ aghhhhh #i have like 89 drafts if the drafts reach 100 by the end of the year i think i'd DIE. so this is getting posted idc #you wont see me using literal angel and demon dust and horror. but if you look in my mind you'll see the themes regularly in what i talk ab #anyways back to writing this stupid fic i go. dust is currently battling several inner demons rn. good luck loser :3 #killer sans #dust sans #horror sans #murder time trio #sans au #utmv #tricule hc

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mari-lair · 1 year ago

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Teru's mom had such a cute design, do you have any headcanons about her ?

I have some small ones.

It's implied she was the one who taught Kou, who is the best cook in the manga. So she was one hell of a good cook in my heart.

She was very pretty: Teru and Aoi levels of popularity when she was younger and was heavily admired as an adult. Teru got her eyes and eyelashes.

She was a traditional woman at heart, genuinely enjoyed cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids. She used to be content with it.

She was closer to Kou than Teru.

She was a doting but very strange woman. Either she secretly had some of the energy/lack of tact/weirdness/morbid sense of humor that was passed down to her hyper kids, she just wasn't alive long enough for us to see it, or she only passed down her kindness to them, this borderline fretting and dependency on family BUT was attracted to someone with all these weird traits, having the looks to pull anyone but choosing an exorcist with fangs and weapons, and (i am assuming) lacking social skills.

I am inclined to say she was a brave and determined woman cause being part of the Minamotos is not an easy thing. She was a worrywart who cared deeply about her children's wellbeing but she had a twisted common sense, going "Can you cook it by yourself? are you sure? My baby boy, you're so young" yet going "oh my~" very casually when said baby boy wave around a sword, or Teru goes off to fight monsters.

(Unrelated but it's so strange that their father's sword is smaller than Teru's sword when Teru was 9??)

#headcanons yay #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #minamoto teru #minamoto kou #minamoto mama #that's three down! i'll reply to more asks later #(maybe... if i am alive enough for it)

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skrunksthatwunk · 7 months ago

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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me

#yyh spoilers in tags #like major spoilers ok #which ig i dont usually tag but whatever #the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh #yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me #bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again #kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you #and he wails this multiple times #and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that #and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there #throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way #but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative #yyh #yu yu hakusho #kuwameshi #kazuma kuwabara #yusuke urameshi #ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke #and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa #actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something #but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole #'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time #in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm #i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful #like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane

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transmechanicus · 2 months ago

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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#my stuff #i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash #nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul #i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends #i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch #i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care #i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside #these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life #it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day #it never feels like enough. it probly never will #i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends #as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again #i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now #i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD #i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside #i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp #perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair

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therussiancourier · 1 year ago

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this would be my coming out post if i hadn't posted "gay boys where are you" like 20 times sometime back. (and had to delete all the posts due to paranoia from the antigay laws 'n' shit but im on tumblr nobody checks tumblr. right?) gay boys where are you i desperately need you

0_0 <- literally him

i DID warn you that i will go insane tonight at some degree thehethehhehethtehtehthehththehetheh

WILL NOT APOLOGISEIZE(Im so sorry for posting)

#kepch doodles #dsaf #davesport #dayshift at freddys #dayshift at freddy's #dave dsaf #dave miller dsaf #dsaf dave #dsaf dave miller #jack dsaf #jack kennedy dsaf #old sport dsaf #dsaf jack #dsaf jack kennedy #i lovelovelovelove everybody i sometimes think that ah! maybe i do not love enough in my life! maybe i am kinda loveless guy but then i rem #mber that i love everyone surrounding me #my best friend my mom my little cat i love drawing i love breathing air GOD i love being alive and i love seeing every single one of you #i love going outside after a long time staying home i love going to study i love failing i love succeeding i love being happy and sad #i love the breeze when i open my window and get under my blanket as fast as possible. i love the constant annoying weather change #i love being alone i love being with somebody i love drinking cold glass of chocolate milk tonight #and i also love being cringe on internet #i love you #if nobody loves you remember that some silly guy from russia loves you so so much just because you exist #it's so beautiful people are beautiful i love just being in society some lady stands next to me in a bus i love her i love my childhood fri #nd who is still stuck in КАМЧАТКА ИЗ ВСЕХ ВОЗМОЖНЫХ МЕСТ #now in my regular fashion i should write something like “hahah sorry guys. never posting again” but i don't feel like it #i love you i love youuuuuuuu all #i cants top writing this i loooveee yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuu

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skunkes · 10 months ago

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^_^

#sorry doomer posting #but like idk!#i keep talking abt how if i werent trans id be more inclined to accept my fate of living w my parents/family forever #but also with upcoming election and living in Texas maybe i just wont ever get to transition anyway and that will solve everything wont it #i want to leave so badly but i think id just be swapping my current misery for another set #like id be alone but at what cost. and id be alone. no friends no partner to live with no people in my empty home #work and sleep and struggling to eat. idk #im simply not meant to be alive honestly #talkys #delete later #in general i keep wanting things but not wnough bc ive been taught to not want things #i don't want to leave enough to put in the work to do it #i dont want to transition enough to get past the fear of change #i dont want anything. i dont want anything. i am a good dog

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solivagantingrebel · 2 months ago

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hey guys who wants another round of tmi

#ive been #this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it #i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm #not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it #has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was #fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa #by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will #always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus #i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being #countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it #has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying #its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man #keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just #thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not #crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive #funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it #tmi #rant #embarrassed myself enough i think #sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough #i'll be okay

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wolfiemcwolferson · 2 months ago

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.

#was talking to my sister and she reminded me how deeply deeply unwell I was at this time last year #it has been a year of grieving #as a person who has been chronically ill for years it maybe should not have hit me as hard as it did #but this bout…I am changed forever because of it #I’m feeling better in the cold and I finally feel as though I have the right combination to keep me going during the day #but man #I cannot tell the people who loved me through that enough how much their love kept me alive #chronic illness #Logan gets personal

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sunforgrace · 1 year ago

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he sat there on the ground and cried. for cas. cas told him he loved him was taken away and he buried his head in his hands and wept

#AND THEN THEY TRIED TO PRETEND LIKE IT WAS FINE? and after the widower arc #it wasn’t even as nearly fucked then this time all their friends got thanos snapped and we don’t even get canon confirmation that they were #brought back. even with covid not even a vo or offhand mention or reference #jack is god and in every drop of rain or whatever.#sure yeah whatever they beat the final boss and got over the protagonist angst of it all but the world was still the same it just wasn’t a #chuck story which only ramped up to being The Big Problem in the season 14 finale.#cas was stabbed by an angel blade and dean broke while wrapping his body for the funeral pyre. ALONE. and was. not doing well #and you tell me it’s whatever after he sat there in that dungeon refused to answer sam’s calls and cried during the complete and total end #of the world. that he just bounced back from that and died and drove around heaven for decades in a few minutes and smiled while americana #electric guitar played on some bridge #cas helped oh that’s nice I guess smile now I have GOT to go drive my car around. because I did not get enough of that in my time on earth.#unlike my time with cas which I am satisfied with and in no need of closure. perhaps a conversation. looking upon him to see him alive and #well. healing some of that trauma of the last time I saw him. a reunion hug maybe even which has become tradition. CUT THE CAMERAS deadass #he’s going for the face touch. no this we cannot possibly have time for we have to play carry on wayward son twice #sorry. it has been three years. sorry. it’s just so funny buddy your ass did NOT escape the hamster wheel

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nobodybetterlookatme · 3 months ago

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I don't care if the texts are about what you're eating for dinner, I'll take all the crumbs I can get !!

LMAO yeah okay here you go. And upon reading them this morning it wasn't that funny so idk why I was laughing almost hysterically last night about it ahskalslal

#not snz #he's so right i did sound insane lmao #i always manage to forget how weird i get when I'm overly tired ahskalsl #in my defense i was texting my fire coworkers like this too ahskalslal #six of them texted me to make sure i survived my drive home and a few texted me later in the evening to make sure i was still alive #i got progressively weirder the longer the day went on lmao #passed out at like 11pm which is unheard of for me #it's 10am now and honestly i still don't feel like i slept enough #vaguely headachy and still kinda tired #i know migraine hangovers are A Thing but I've never had one so maybe I'm just going crazy fr lmao #at least i don't have to do anything today #also several people i know said to drink caffeine??? like will that not make it worse?????#the most caffeine i consume is maybe a cup of black tea and that's not even everyday #it just makes me so tired lmao and doesn't caffeine make headaches worse #i think the coworkers are just trying to fuck with me idk #i am kinda hungry tho i barely ate yesterday bc i was nauseous af #maybe food will fix me #partner posting

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blujayonthewing · 2 months ago

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what's a good christmas card design that says 'I would rather be hibernating than having to deal with christmas obligations and that includes making this card'

#THE THING IS. I am not a scrooge! I am not a grinch! I am not an anti-christmas hater!! I am JUST TIRED.#I am TIRED I am OVERWHELMED every time I think about christmas shopping I start CRYING which is VERY NORMAL #if christmastime is about love and togetherness instead of Presents and Objects #I sure wish I felt like I could just skip the latter (giving OR receiving) without feeling like it's because I'm bad at the former #if I get a bad grade at christmas presents it's because I don't love people enough. and deserve to be killed with hammers probably.#well if I LOVED people enough I'd know what to get them! but I don't which means I'm a piece of shit!!#I wanna do christmas cards because I WANT to I just!! need another month.... please......#I just can't think. I'm just overwhelmed by being alive. and I don't even DO anything. like I'm not even BUSY.#christmas is nice I wish I could actually enjoy it without lowkey feeling like maybe I should walk into traffic #OTHER PEOPLE HAVE REAL PROBLEMS. CHRIST.

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chiropteracupola · 11 months ago

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just a couple of creepy 18th-century innkeepers talking shop!

[featuring @borisyvain's lazarus mcclure and my own james webster]

#em draws stuff #oc time again hehe #haunted by your hand #the gambler: james webster #really I should start having an 'other people's characters' tag again as well...#so yes I have thought about these two being Brothers In Homosexual Haunted Murderhotel for long enough that a drawing happened #I do not know Where they are in this image (esp. as I have aged james up by some 30ish years so as to be able to Interact with mr mcclure)#(which is why she's looking a bit mellower than usual and also wearing teal... Character Development which as of regular hbyh has not #yet come to pass.....)#eh who knows maybe james went to ireland. she can have a little a go to ireland hang out with other horrible people as a treat #she deserves a little treat for making it to the 1780s-1790s (no one thought she was making it of the 1760s alive I am sure)#surprisingly this was a delightful refresher as I have been in a state of artblock/only interested in drawing things I can't work on in #public spaces lately! but this came together in barely two hours (admittedly after four days of staring at pictures of mr mcclure)#anyway if you read this far you should all go look at jory's blog his characters are SO cool and well-researched #james will someday be more well-researched than she currently is but that will be after I get around to reading 'the english pub 1500-1830'#which I found in the library and was so brave and strong and Did Not check out so as to actually maybe get schoolwork done

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maranull · 11 months ago

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I love nature

it's so insane how many different lifeforms are on this planet

and there used to be so many more?

and then there's fact that there are so many other solar systems with a chance to host life in some of their planets?

and then that there are so many galaxies?? that host even more solar systems???? and so much potential life?????

nature is so cool

#personal #i'm just #there so many amazing creatures in this earth #and so many of them are individuals too!!#with their own quirks and characters!! maybe less complex that humans but still with their own little personalities!!!#and we share this 1 in a million (maybe more) planet with them #we are lucky enough to be alive alongside of them #why am i crying

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