#(maybe... if i am alive enough for it)
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i'm just. taking a break from work and thinking about the fact that it's been almost two years since the c2 finale and that campaign still has me in a chokehold. i still think about the wizards all the time, which shouldn't surprise anyone but it's still remarkable. just taking a little moment to be in my feelings about them on main, nothing to see here
#i know it's been crickets on my ao3 for a while but i am still alive#in fact i am going to share a snippet of the one shot i'm working on for wip wednesday if i can remember which day it is for long enough#things might be settling down for me maybe? i got my shit together enough last week to finally decide to go back to therapy#this is probably a subject for another post and not the tags of this one but i can't wait to feel like i'm living again#and not simply surviving#and while writing is an excellent coping mechanism i would also love to experience the joy of creation again#alright back to work with me#thanks for reading my ramblings if you made it this far#i sincerely wish you a lovely timezone
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Teru's mom had such a cute design, do you have any headcanons about her ?
I have some small ones.
It's implied she was the one who taught Kou, who is the best cook in the manga. So she was one hell of a good cook in my heart.
She was very pretty: Teru and Aoi levels of popularity when she was younger and was heavily admired as an adult. Teru got her eyes and eyelashes.
She was a traditional woman at heart, genuinely enjoyed cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids. She used to be content with it.
She was closer to Kou than Teru.
She was a doting but very strange woman. Either she secretly had some of the energy/lack of tact/weirdness/morbid sense of humor that was passed down to her hyper kids, she just wasn't alive long enough for us to see it, or she only passed down her kindness to them, this borderline fretting and dependency on family BUT was attracted to someone with all these weird traits, having the looks to pull anyone but choosing an exorcist with fangs and weapons, and (i am assuming) lacking social skills.
I am inclined to say she was a brave and determined woman cause being part of the Minamotos is not an easy thing. She was a worrywart who cared deeply about her children's wellbeing but she had a twisted common sense, going "Can you cook it by yourself? are you sure? My baby boy, you're so young" yet going "oh my~" very casually when said baby boy wave around a sword, or Teru goes off to fight monsters.
(Unrelated but it's so strange that their father's sword is smaller than Teru's sword when Teru was 9??)
#headcanons yay#tbhk#toilet bound hanako kun#jshk#jibaku shounen hanako kun#minamoto teru#minamoto kou#minamoto mama#that's three down! i'll reply to more asks later#(maybe... if i am alive enough for it)
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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me
#yyh spoilers in tags#like major spoilers ok#which ig i dont usually tag but whatever#the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh#yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me#bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again#kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you#and he wails this multiple times#and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that#and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there#throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way#but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke#and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa#actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something#but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole#'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time#in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm#i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful#like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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i cannot stand the aot fandom this is not a new take at all they are universally intolerable but oh my dayssss u are FORBIDDEN from making ANY take about the show it's actually insane to watch. 'aot is perfect' no show is perfect. 'tell me you didnt get the show 😂🫵' people have different opinions/interpretations about things. 'eren is a good guy they could never make me hate him' i think there's actually 4 seasons and two movies explicitely using him as a tool to show that no one is 'good' or 'evil' they are only trying to survive. hello. the fandom r all so far up aot's ass that they actually discredit its writing in the process and it would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating
#bc aot IS insanely well written but no one talks about it???#like all they do is SAY how well written it is but no one is brave enough to give examples or meta bc SOMEONE will jump on it#declaring they've misinterpreted the Single Correct Way of watching the show and are dumb and a hater for saying such a thing#i remember posting about my initial aot watch on here and i did NOT like eren i thought he was whiney and annoying (he is <3)#and i thought aot was overhyped but ive since finished it at long last and omg. it is so fucking good#one of those shows that you need to watch ALL of it to truly get what's going on#and the conclusion of eren's character i am genuinely so obsessed with ill probs make a separate post just about him#bc i have really 180'd on eren and i can see now he IS well written. but not for any reason i can see anyone else talking about???#people are just banging on about he was right and justified and a saviour and tragic etc etc and while those things are important#and should be considered that also like. was not the point imo#the irony and tragedy of eren jaeger was that after all the 'i am special simply bc i was born into this world'#concluded with the revelation that actually he was not special. the rumbling happened because a normal boy got a hold of a great power#and he mishandled it. he was immature. he acted his age. he was just some teenage boy and he responded in kind#there was selfishness and silly whims and a quick temper. he was never this godlike figure he gets painted as#and i ADORE THAT TAKE. THAT IS SUCH AN ICE COLD CONCLUSION. EREN WAS NEVER SPECIAL - THAT'S THE POINT#and like countless times through history one selfish person with their hands on an insane amount of power and a conviction#that they are doing the right thing goes on to lead to a continuation of the cycle of war#like the end credits with the tree is genuinely HAUNTING. it never ended. eren KNEW the rumbling would be unnsuccessful#and would leave enough of their enemies alive that they'd eventually retaliate HE KNEW THAT and did it anyway#why? bc he just /wanted/ it. desperately and immaturely. and so the war turned over for another generation and another and#LIKE THAT IS SUCH A POIGNANT HAUNTING TAKE. I FR STARED AT THE BLACK SCREEN ONCE I FINISHED IT FOR 5 MINS IN HORRIFIED SILENCE#yes it's not his sole motivation but ultimately the crux of his character boils down to the fact he's just some kid#to the point even when he's explaining it to armin at the very end they SHOW HIM AS A KID. THAT IS THE REAL EREN#THAT ANGRY SCRAPPY CHILD WHO THOUGHT HE COULD BEAT THE WORLD INTO SUBMISSION#NOT A HERO NOT A GOD NOT A DEVIL - JUST A KID GIVEN A POWER HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOT HIS HANDS ON#but if u say all that some chucklefuck tells u to kys and that u just Didnt Get The Masterpiece Of Attack On Titan#but do u know what? maybe people disagree w me! maybe this is just my interpretation! guess who's NOT gonna have a hissy fit about it?#fandom is about DISCUSSION and i have never seen a fandom as fucking allergic to it than the aot fandom#like omdddddddddd have a day off man isayama isnt gonna suck you off#aot
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thinking about deathclaws btw. i think a while back i did a little doodle woth text attatched but i didn't do an image id (sorry) and also it wasnt that good but uhhhhhhh anyway. disclaimer i haven't played fo1+fo2 yet so there's no input here on sentient deathclaws
surface-dwelling deathclaws are crepuscular/nocturnal trust me on this one. Deathclaws in general prefer more cavernous terrain with lots of hidey-holes, and feed primarily on molerats, because they're blind and a little stupid and live in the same area anyway. Young deathclaws have been known to move into larger molerat dens - good for them, bad for any wasteland pest control.
large claws help dig, horns swoop over the eyes like that both for protection and so they can push more dirt/rubble around.
anyway EYES.
(rods are light-sensitive, cones are colour-distinguishing)
Deathclaws would have a lot more rods than cones, and what cones they DO have would be primarily red. It's a lot easier to hunt something when you're the one who can actually see in the dark. They'd need the extra light sensitivity to differentiate between what to us is Blue-Black #307 and Blue-Black #306 as to them it would be Tree (Don't Run Into, Ouch) and Food (Yes Run Into, Straight Into Mouth). Really really good at seeing movement. Deathclaws see more red because blood and that's important - wounded prey now looks like a beacon! especially armoured wounded prey; red shows where the armour is broken, and thus where to aim.
also! pit organ! like (pit) vipers and pythons! deathclaws can see infrared! because that's cool! being able to see temperature is pretty important for these guys. Also, the deathclaws in fo4 having black scales on top plays into this - it's pretty good camouflage against other deathclaws/other infrared-sensing creatures. The deathclaws in fnv don't have this and are instead more tan-coloured because they have to be more concerned about being hidden in the sand than hiding from other deathclaws (fo4 has less deathclaw packs? i think? idk i might change my mind on this, i'm not that far through fo4 yet)
anyway yayyyyyyyyyyy wooo deathclaws.
this was born of a love of biology and Why Animal Is That Way and giant fuck-off critters. and also i wanted deathclaw bullfighting to exist.
#if this isn't coherent i apologize#i am. sick.#not the worst cold i've had! but enough to make my brain stop working as it should#the cave-dwelling part is based on quarry junction + that railway tunnel that has a couple deathclaws by it near raul's shack/the boomers#and the deathclaws in The Divide in fnv#and the deathclaw that you fight at the start of fo4#man alive this got long#this was also a way to justify my redesign of Ulysses' Old Glory#which i haven't drawn or talked about. at all. so#maybe i'll do that#anyway#general fallout tag#fallout#deathclaws#deathclaw#how do i even tag this?#fallout flora+fauna#<- please be the right tag
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^_^
#sorry doomer posting#but like idk!#i keep talking abt how if i werent trans id be more inclined to accept my fate of living w my parents/family forever#but also with upcoming election and living in Texas maybe i just wont ever get to transition anyway and that will solve everything wont it#i want to leave so badly but i think id just be swapping my current misery for another set#like id be alone but at what cost. and id be alone. no friends no partner to live with no people in my empty home#work and sleep and struggling to eat. idk#im simply not meant to be alive honestly#talkys#delete later#in general i keep wanting things but not wnough bc ive been taught to not want things#i don't want to leave enough to put in the work to do it#i dont want to transition enough to get past the fear of change#i dont want anything. i dont want anything. i am a good dog
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helloooo my dearest darling listeners, i am back on my soapbox to regale you all with the marvelous things i witnessed/experienced on my Whimsical As Fuck™️ three hour drive today. not necessarily in order <3
some cute does with bigass floppy ears / very sweet waitress who called me "hon" and put the most tasty looking crepes on my table / a pair of hawks divebombing a golden eagle / a kite (the bird) / a flock of magpies / some GORGEOUS scenery / a rainbow / lovely rain sprinklings / MORE gorgeous scenery, i mean what the fuck / fields of purple/orange/red tipped bushes / a meadow of buttercup-yellow very tall grass, in which many picturesque trees stood / lots of fluffy, adorable, tasty cows / a large herd of likely-feral horses with a wonderful variety of patterns & colors / the fluffiest husky ever / the juxtaposition of cold wind through an open window + warm sunlight / the most stunning snow-coated mountain of whites and blues in the sun, wreathed in clouds / no seriously some really fucking Gorgeous scenery, i was near tears with some of it
#i am feeling. Better Than I Have In A While#you know! last night i was very unhappy that i would have to do this drive!#but after my 2 hour doze in the ihop parking lot#and a nice breakfast of crepes and tea w/ my book#i was feeling better and decided Fuck It. im gonna make myself enjoy this drive#im gonna take my goddamn time and really absorb my surroundings#by fuck i will stop at a rest stop and take a walk! and i did all of it!#life is actually worth it! glad to have continuous confirmation of that#its so nice to drive and actually see things#beautiful landscapes... wildlife... Geography...#instead of just Flat. Scrub. Brown. More Scrub. Dirt. Dead Scrub aka Tumbleweed. Boring Brown Hills. No Weather.#i can go outside the clouds are Full and the air is Fresh and birds are Singing and i am Alive#absolutely unprompted#i expect the feeling of realness to fade soon but i will enjoy it while it lasts!#and maybe if i feel it often enough it will outlast the disconnect!#now i think i am going to treat myself to a pork bun i just bought & get one of the nice beers from the garage#ive Earned It!#you all treat yourself to something you like as well. we have all earned it simply by existing!#you're here today! Yippee! indulge!#im feeling so fucking whimsical today... ill go work on setting up my extra monitor and figuring out how the fuck that works!#my mic has already arrived! i have hope that i will do a test stream Soon!
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hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
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he sat there on the ground and cried. for cas. cas told him he loved him was taken away and he buried his head in his hands and wept
#AND THEN THEY TRIED TO PRETEND LIKE IT WAS FINE? and after the widower arc#it wasn’t even as nearly fucked then this time all their friends got thanos snapped and we don’t even get canon confirmation that they were#brought back. even with covid not even a vo or offhand mention or reference#jack is god and in every drop of rain or whatever.#sure yeah whatever they beat the final boss and got over the protagonist angst of it all but the world was still the same it just wasn’t a#chuck story which only ramped up to being The Big Problem in the season 14 finale.#cas was stabbed by an angel blade and dean broke while wrapping his body for the funeral pyre. ALONE. and was. not doing well#and you tell me it’s whatever after he sat there in that dungeon refused to answer sam’s calls and cried during the complete and total end#of the world. that he just bounced back from that and died and drove around heaven for decades in a few minutes and smiled while americana#electric guitar played on some bridge#cas helped oh that’s nice I guess smile now I have GOT to go drive my car around. because I did not get enough of that in my time on earth.#unlike my time with cas which I am satisfied with and in no need of closure. perhaps a conversation. looking upon him to see him alive and#well. healing some of that trauma of the last time I saw him. a reunion hug maybe even which has become tradition. CUT THE CAMERAS deadass#he’s going for the face touch. no this we cannot possibly have time for we have to play carry on wayward son twice#sorry. it has been three years. sorry. it’s just so funny buddy your ass did NOT escape the hamster wheel
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I don't care if the texts are about what you're eating for dinner, I'll take all the crumbs I can get !!
LMAO yeah okay here you go. And upon reading them this morning it wasn't that funny so idk why I was laughing almost hysterically last night about it ahskalslal
#not snz#he's so right i did sound insane lmao#i always manage to forget how weird i get when I'm overly tired ahskalsl#in my defense i was texting my fire coworkers like this too ahskalslal#six of them texted me to make sure i survived my drive home and a few texted me later in the evening to make sure i was still alive#i got progressively weirder the longer the day went on lmao#passed out at like 11pm which is unheard of for me#it's 10am now and honestly i still don't feel like i slept enough#vaguely headachy and still kinda tired#i know migraine hangovers are A Thing but I've never had one so maybe I'm just going crazy fr lmao#at least i don't have to do anything today#also several people i know said to drink caffeine??? like will that not make it worse?????#the most caffeine i consume is maybe a cup of black tea and that's not even everyday#it just makes me so tired lmao and doesn't caffeine make headaches worse#i think the coworkers are just trying to fuck with me idk#i am kinda hungry tho i barely ate yesterday bc i was nauseous af#maybe food will fix me
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just a couple of creepy 18th-century innkeepers talking shop!
[featuring @borisyvain's lazarus mcclure and my own james webster]
#em draws stuff#oc time again hehe#haunted by your hand#the gambler: james webster#really I should start having an 'other people's characters' tag again as well...#so yes I have thought about these two being Brothers In Homosexual Haunted Murderhotel for long enough that a drawing happened#I do not know Where they are in this image (esp. as I have aged james up by some 30ish years so as to be able to Interact with mr mcclure)#(which is why she's looking a bit mellower than usual and also wearing teal... Character Development which as of regular hbyh has not#yet come to pass.....)#eh who knows maybe james went to ireland. she can have a little a go to ireland hang out with other horrible people as a treat#she deserves a little treat for making it to the 1780s-1790s (no one thought she was making it of the 1760s alive I am sure)#surprisingly this was a delightful refresher as I have been in a state of artblock/only interested in drawing things I can't work on in#public spaces lately! but this came together in barely two hours (admittedly after four days of staring at pictures of mr mcclure)#anyway if you read this far you should all go look at jory's blog his characters are SO cool and well-researched#james will someday be more well-researched than she currently is but that will be after I get around to reading 'the english pub 1500-1830'#which I found in the library and was so brave and strong and Did Not check out so as to actually maybe get schoolwork done
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I love nature
it's so insane how many different lifeforms are on this planet
and there used to be so many more?
and then there's fact that there are so many other solar systems with a chance to host life in some of their planets?
and then that there are so many galaxies?? that host even more solar systems???? and so much potential life?????
nature is so cool
#personal#i'm just#there so many amazing creatures in this earth#and so many of them are individuals too!!#with their own quirks and characters!! maybe less complex that humans but still with their own little personalities!!!#and we share this 1 in a million (maybe more) planet with them#we are lucky enough to be alive alongside of them#why am i crying
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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Not to be a hater but what the actual fuck is going on in BNHA? I read until about half way through the war arc and I'm sitting here like?? Y'all still fighting for hero society and nor dismantling institutions of oppression? WHACK. y'all still sucking endeavors dick after he abused his family so badly one of them becomes an murderous villian? W H A CCK!
#Maybe it's my enflamed sense of justice but fuck that I'd be a villian too#But really I am a hater and the reason I stopped reading was because endevour wasn't getting hated enough#Fuck that guy#They wanted me to hate katsuki bakugo so badly when the worst human alive is literally right there in a position of power
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BEEN A HOT MINUTE LOL
I AM ALIVE AND KICKING ASS AND GUESS WHOS BACK FROM LIIIIIIIIIIIIFFEEEEEEEEE
#LIFE UPDAATEEEE#GOD I MISS TAGS#ITS ONE WAY TO EXPRESS SHIT#I AM ALSO BACK IN THE UNDERTALE RABBITHOLE SO IM GONNA TRY AND DRAW THAT LOL#LIFE WAS DEFINITELY SOMETHING#STILL DOING IT#DANG I MISS TUMBLR#WHAT THE HELL IS NEW HERE#CANT BELIEVE ITS STILL ALIVE#BUT IM GONNA DO SHIT NOW#MAYBE#IDK#I JUST MISS YALL#SRRY MHA FANS IM NOT MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO DRAW ANYTHING LOL#OR ANYTHING FOR THAT MATTER#BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER IM JUST GONNA TRY AND DRAW SHIT NOW
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