#(just in case. i know sometimes my brain gets weird about real life and fiction “canonically” interacting like this)

[absolutely-esme]

There is this trope where whatever thing the plot revolves around has been around and involved long enough to shape humanity's technological, cultural, or even evolutionary development, but human society is just the same as it is in the real world where that thing doesn't exist.

Which means that either whatever source this information comes from is lying, or the writer has decided to majorly nerf humans in this fictional universe.

"Humanity never could have invented cell phones without this crashed alien space ship!" Bitch, yes we could. We have the entire process from the discovery of radio waves to modern smart phones documented. Every step in that process is well within the capabilities of human beings, especially when you take our tendency to teach and learn from each other into account.

"Whithout this weird magical being's interference, humans would still be living in caves!" No we wouldn't. Humans will find ways to make stuff out of anything we happen to have on hand. I have seen a YouTube video of someone making a ballgown out of smartphone cases that needed a wooden framework on wheels for the skirt because it would have been way too heavy for a hoopskirt and a normal person's waist. You really think the species that did that can't work out how to build buildings without some outside force explaining it?

"Humans wouldn't even have those big brains without the intervention of..." I'm just gonna stop you right there. Dogs, cats, and fire were all major contributing factors in the development of big brains in humans. Hunting with dogs was more efficient and got more meat. Cats kept rodents at bay which allowed us to store more food. Fire allowed us to get more out of our food by cooking it to make the nutrients more available. All of this allowed us to dedicate more calories to brain function without starving. It wasn't an outside force of dubious intentions that made us the species we are, it was the companion species who made the journey with us and the fires we lit along the way.

Sometimes it's done in a way that actually works, but a lot of times I find myself thinking "damn, you really couldn't think of anything interesting to add to modern life?"

Like, in the live action transformers movies (which I could complain about plenty) they found and studied Megatron and the freaking Allspark itself and all they got was an alternate path to the smart phone? Not better prosthetic limbs, sentient robot companions, or even just stuff that folds up for travel better?

You're telling me that the species that raised wolf cubs despite knowing how dangerous wolves were to them and selectively bred the nightmares that hunted us for our meat into our beloved dogs looked at the scrappy little critters the Allspark generated and didn't think "but what if friend?" That they didn't see a the creation of a new life that was like a much tinier version of the bigger thing they found and think "Oh my goodness it's a baby!"

That's so boring. The Bayverse's version of humanity is boring and mean and sad.

If you want an example that I think works, Kyuubey from Madoka Magica claiming credit for humanity's progress works, because it would make sense for Kyuubey to lie about this. Kyuubey wants something and is demonstrably willing to mislead and withhold information to get it (the soul gem reveal was a pretty big deal).

Kyuubey deliberately targets children who haven't finished school and not, say, university students or graduates looking for work. Kyuubey claims it is because young girls produce the most emotional energy, but we don't have any evidence outside of Kyuubey's word regarding Kyuubey's reason for anything, and Kyuubey is not a reliable narrator.

Kyuubey's role in the story is something dangerous disguised as something nice, a wolf in sheep's clothing, if you will. Adding one more layer of deception that makes Kyuubey look better or, at least, more necessary to a kid who doesn't know better works just fine in the story that's being told.

[horny-marbles]

(i'm the anon who asked for the tattoo tour, the ones you showed look lovely!)

wow i had no idea you were engaged! congratssss. how do you navigate being in a committed relationship while also running this blog and, well, ya know... thirsting over ej (lol)? like, does it affect your relationship in any way, how you view your partner etc?

i have a bf and tbh, sometimes i think about fics i read here to "warm up" lmao which feels so wrong but i can't help it, and it's also so easy to compare, you know? like he'll do something and I'll be like lol Toby would never do this wtffff. even if i do love my bf very much.

would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this <3

hey babes!! thank you sm hehe 💕 ok long ramble that might not make much sense because i haven't slept in 34 hours warning sorry!!

so i dunno!!!

well, it's kinda complicated. my fiancé doesn't know about this blog or like, the fact that i write Stuff™. he knows i used to write (and he clowns me for it WITH GOOD REASON, the shit i used to write........ yikes), and that i've been doing it for years before knowing him, and long story short i haven't written for most of our relationship so it never came up that i still do 🤷🏻‍♀️ and now it would be really fucking weird to bring it up out of the blue. working on it tho! because i don't think things like this should be hidden, especially if it's a big part of who you are, as it is for me. i just don't know how chill he'd be with what i write 💀

but anyway, about navigating/balancing both of these, idk it's not really a challenge (because if it were what would be the point lol), i usually write/answer asks when im at work or away or when he's at work (probably why i tend to be so slow lmfao gotteeem) and when we're together, it's just us 🤷🏻‍♀️ i haven't once sacrificed time with him to write or read because i see no point, i wouldn't be enjoying either at that point (because writing would be rushed and anxious and fiance time would be halfassed and weird you know?)

i can't really say it affects the way i see him in any way, it never has, there's a very clear delimitation between real life and fiction in my brain XD sure me and jack go wayyyyyyyy back lmfao but also it's a fictional character you know? it doesn't compare to what's real and tangible and reciprocated

also about (generally) your partner doing something and you being like "ugh x character would nevaaa", can't relate i bagged an angel 💅🏻💅🏻 LOL but on the real, PERSONALLY ☝🏻 i don't think it's easy to compare because like... it's words on paper at the end of the day you know? i love jack and he's been more than a comfort character for me for a decade now, but no fantasy compares to the life i have with the person i'm planning to spend the rest of it with

not saying crazy sweaty eye rolling toe curling brain melting sex is unreachable or that thinking toby is the ideal man is wrong (because it's not, as long as it doesn't interfere with real feelings about real people), but you knoww... don't clown your bf like that 🙏🏻 lol, talk about what bothers you to your person! or maybe i'm taking this way too seriously and you were just joking LOL IN THAT CASE MY BADDD IGNORE ME

and i'm not sure what you exactly mean by "warming up", like during foreplay? when you jerk off by yourself? either way, i don't think it's wrong but i also don't think it's healthy right? not even from a relationship standpoint, just about yourself — it's not wrong to have fantasies that you keep secret and it's not wrong to get off to that duh, but it's also not healthy to detach yourself from your person and sex (if that's what you were saying) because it kind of defeats the purpose of sex right? idk that's just how i see it, and i'm in no way judging you at all, AND i'm also not a therapist so you know, take this with a grain of salt XD

[castlebyersafterdark]

Or waking him up with a hand already on his cock, or mouth around him.

Ok this is something ive vaguely wondered about for a long time and never known how to broach cos im sure most people will say it's Just Fantasy. i see this somno idea presented in extreme ways and more casual, like this one you mentioned. im curious about it because my initial reaction on seeing this hc was - is this based on people's real experiences, or fantasies alone, or just hcs for the boys/fictional characters? or all? because issues of consent become a bit grey here. maybe im just thinking of women's experiences and how women's discomfort can be minimized in pop culture. perhaps its different in your experience, as a gay man or in gay culture.

i kind of get icky when i see people throwing the need for constant blatant verbal consent around because post-weinstein we've lost a lot of the sexiness and complicity of non-verbal communication and consent in sex. but my brain always thinks of those cases where the guy doesnt think its even possible to rape a girl if theyre married or in a relationship. so anything goes, and yes and no blur. ofc mike and will are in a loving relationship, but what happens if one of them wakes up and feels a bit weird about it, totally not in the mood or just had a totally different sleep experience and is thrown for a loop because the other has a mouth around them? would they always be able to recover and just say no and separate (physically) and be fine? im not sure.

idk its such a tricky one. maybe with byler theyve had conversations before where they're like its always ok to wake me up with a bj lol

This is a good one and I wondered if the question would ever come up because I know it's a controversial sex act / kink! Definitely onto something with some of it being in the realm of fantasy - but it is realistic for a lot of people as well. I'll offer my own perspective under the cut at the end like I usually do when I get too embarrassingly tmi/personal haha. But it's hard to explain this particular one without a real life perspective.

The consent aspect is a big part and one that's incredibly important in real life - but I'll personally admit when it comes to fanfic or just a simple HC post, there are certain aspects of fictional sex lives I just choose to gloss over and/or leave out. Because it is a bit of a fantasy world and a lot of assumptions are made. (Do yall know how many asks I get requesting details and preferences on the intricacies of anal sex prep? Yall. Suspension of disbelief. There's so many advice and sexual health articles out there to read up on if you're so curious, it's... implied. No offense to the curious mind, I appreciate the genuine approach, but I ain't including all that in a fic hahaha. ANYWAY)

i kind of get icky when i see people throwing the need for constant blatant verbal consent around because post-weinstein we've lost a lot of the sexiness and complicity of non-verbal communication and consent in sex.

I know exactly what you mean. And I don't know what goes on in most people's real sex lives, but in fanfic world, there can sometimes be a sort of "over-correction" when it comes to the way dialogue and consent is written. You just... gotta make it sound natural. So much reads like a sex ed pamphlet. There's a way to add consent and communication into the flow rather than a pause to deliver a PSA. Easier said that done, I know. It's important, but we don't have to treat what is fantasy and playing around with creativity as a manual for education every time. Real life... isn't A,B,C dialogue choices. Hard to explain, you know??? This isn't covering all the extreme kink explorations and all - which I don't really write so I'm not diving into that. There's an entirely different world out there regarding bdsm but it's not my world so I have little to offer in terms of conversation. As well as the cnc kink which is a whole other ballpark. Valid, but not the topic I'm including with this. This is more of a "light" version.

Gosh. Ok. Here is personal insight which kind of informs how I approach the topic of something like consent and especially a somno style sex act in realistic practice:

It definitely is very personality based - communication, trust, sex drive, what both partners are into. Goes along with the idea of "natural flow of conversation and sex" and really knowing your partner. So. We both know we're very comfortable with each other's bodies and in a well established relationship - we know each other's moods. This isn't something that's happening every day! Or even every week! An occasional indulgence. It's intimate, sharing a bed with someone long term. If you or your partner goes to bed exhausted or a bit upset or off-kilter from the day, feeling sick or just in an odd mood - obviously life just goes about normally. There are times though, when let's say... the night ended after a lot of sex, just a really intimate time and drifting off to sleep from a really passionate session and you know. Continuing in the next morning isn't hmm. Out of the ordinary. The vibes linger from falling asleep into waking again. It's hard to describe - sometimes blatantly spoken in the heat of passion when it's so good and you're still feeling greedy even before it's over ("I'd love to wake up to you fucking me") or something crazy. Or, you just know you'd both go another round before bed if you weren't so tired, so you pass out but whoever wakes up first may just get a head start and continue.

It's... a lot of just knowing your partner. Feeling comfortable to know if you wake up and oh, that's happening and you're not into it? You can just say "babe, I kinda want to just go back to sleep" and you know they'll ease off and let you be. Or, you wake up to a nice surprise and it's a shock at first, but you then relax and let it happen, or vice versa doing something to them. More often it's one of those instances more where you both wake up, very in the stirring strings of half awake, half asleep, and one partner is a little more awake and has the idea. And the half asleep one is like, oh? Sure! I'm just gonna drift though, you have fun. Go to town. It can be like that, too. This all feels very normal and within the flow of an established couple with a pretty active sex life. Just in my opinion.

I've read a lot of sex forums and kink forums because I'm curious about a lot of things! And sex is interesting to me beyond just titillation (using that one for another anon who adores the word haha), sometimes it's just fascinating research. I've read a lot of instances specifically with women, some are actually really into the practice and find it really hot to wake up to their partner either going down on them or starting to fuck them, when they're still sleeping. After conversations about it - there's the consent talk. Now, proceed. They'll wear a specific hair tie or bracelet when they go to sleep, signalling that they're looking for this sex act to happen if so desired. That's the communication, that's the greenlight. No bracelet - no touchy. I don't really practice anything like that because it's not like this is something we do often. It's an offhand comment, it's reading the vibe, it's the half asleep fumblings on a morning lie-in when one partner wakes up with the urge. So, all in all - there are different forms of communications rather than just sitting down the edge of the bed and turning to each other and blatantly spelling out every detail and shaking hands at the end before engaging with the session.

I know there are relationships that are very how do I say it - lifestyle kinksters? Where the master/sub (I don't like the other S word to be honest) have an agreement for whatever period of time is decided upon - where there's a "free use" understanding. They've consented to the initiation of sex whenever. Often including while asleep or half-asleep. But that's also an agreed upon form of consent where it's not long form discussed previous to each encounter. That's lifestyle kink, though. Not most people. Realistically, it's more... trust and understanding of who you're sharing your bed with. Are they into it? Can you tell when they won't be? There's no real rule book.

So when it comes it fiction - I think the idea is kind of implied it's a bit like what I've personally described? Even if not really detailed in the written prose. Not that consent isn't interesting or important - but at least my writing and the writing I like to read - I'm not looking for hyper-realism or education. And there's also great worth in reading/writing some stuff that's more controversial or not perfected romance - I just don't really dive into that myself. I'm very sappy romance and idealistic, to be honest. Just what I'm good at and prefer. ☺️😘

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S06E09 - Hudson and Son - Part A

Is this truly the first time that Charlie's surname is on the title? lol

Also, I will forever think of this as a NCIS style episode because there's a lot of navy involved. For purely educational reasons, I tried to search who investigates crimes committed against the Canadian Royal Navy (which is not the case here) and got: Military Police, CFNIS which is funny because NCIS' acronym was initially NIS, and many erroneous American NCIS results. (For those who don't know, yes, NCIS is a real US agency, it's not like CSI which is fictional.)

Black letters in quotes: Actual show quotes.

Green letters in quotes: What I come up with my twisted brain.

Awkward family reunion is already on.

Fun fact: Andrew Airlie who plays Charlie's dad has also portrayed Christian Grey's dad in Fifty Shades of Grey. Which I find funny even though I haven't watched any of the movies or read the books. I like useless trivia. (Also, any person who has read fanfictions and read these books says that you can find better BDSM scenes on an average BDSM fanfiction, so why bother?)

It's Charlie's house. He can have the wood or whatever the end table is made of get corroded if he wants. Also, it's Charlie. Char-lie. Say it with me.

How dare they not want to go blow themselves up on the other side of the world so that some higher up can claim to have "kept the peace". Selfish jerks.

If my own dad started criticizing every little thing about my life when I was trying to reconcile with him, I'd be like, you know what? This was a mistake. Get out.

"Are you going to just let him talk like that?"

"You brought a sexist in our home? I don't care that he's your dad!"

Seriously, though, what a stupid thing to say right after your son has insinuated that his girlfriend, whom he loves, is an overachiever who can both study and work at a demanding job at the same time. And still has time to make your son happy (I don't mean it in a dirty way, I swear).

Sometimes it's good for the kids to grow up away from the father, especially when he has such ideas.

"What is this bullshit???"

I think I spent like twenty images on this scene. Ugh.

"This reunion is going to go a lot worse than I'd anticipated."

Sarah's comforting hand and closeness when she realizes that this case is going to get messy for Charlie... I love all the small moments that they have, even though a lot of people in the audience don't catch them.

The boyfriend's little performance didn't convince me for a moment, so from the start I figured that there were two options: either the actor was a bad actor, or the character was a bad actor. But the way he was out of the house, wearing a hoodie, already suggested that for some reason he was unable to get in the house or was thrown out, so my first thought was that he was the killer. And this is why I think that what Charlie is saying about him losing focus because of the sailors and his dad actually makes sense. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be that obvious that the guy was being weird but it was.

That's a more realistic depiction of how witnesses describe things. Sober or not.

To be continued in Part B.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #9

I was going to go back to my favorite bubble tea shop today to continue to work on the music box for someone in my social circle, but a bit of a weird thing happened today that I'm not yet really ready to talk about. It definitely threw me off my groove, but I'm not about to toss anyone out a window, don't worry, hahaha!

(wait; have you seen that movie that this reference is from? i don't know what stories you have access to, what with you being at the Edge of Creation and all. it's about a selfish emperor who got turned into a llama; shenanigans ensued, and he came through the other side changed for the better - it seems silly at first glance, but… 10/10 would recommend.)

I probably won't respond to the weird thing that happened (or anything else, really) until the resulting adrenaline clears from my body. Bodies are kinda funny in that they'll release adrenaline in response to a real or perceived threat, and being an abuse survivor is kinda funny in that a lot more things end up seeming like threats (even though in normal circumstances, they're totally not), as compared to someone with a less tumultuous upbringing.

The old environment that I grew up in taught me that the thing to do in response to adrenaline is to get all "stabby-stabby" with my words and with my deeds. By having it done to me for most of my life, I understand very well the destructive power of a well-placed insult, the reality-warping abilities of gaslighting, the way the brandishing of anger can inspire fear, and lots of other very unjust, unsavory things that are aimed at establishing a false sense of safety by giving oneself the illusion of control over a person or a situation.

But I am not in the old environment anymore. And I don't ever have to go back there ever again. I'm self-aware enough to understand that if I don't ask for help when I don't know what is the kind, just, and loving thing to do, the adrenaline in my body will hijack the thinking portions brain, and my amygdala will act alone, resorting to playing out the instincts outlined in the paragraph above. I don't want that. I owe it to the people around me not to be that (yes, even when they make mistakes and do hurtful things). And I owe it to myself not to be that, too; after all, it took me so many years to escape living in it - why would I want to become it, and thus have it living inside of me? I kinda wanna wash my brain out with soap just thinking about it; yecchhhh.

I know there are better ways to be, even if I don't always necessarily always know what those ways are. So instead of surrendering to the pain I was in and lashing out, I asked some of the most trusted people in my circle for help. I was gifted with clarity about how I should address the situation - a way to set a boundary without hurting anyone in the process - so that I can protect both myself and the people around me. It'll probably be clumsy, and I'll probably be scared the whole time, but that's okay. Sometimes life is like that, and the only way out is through.

With the help of the hands that are always outstretched to me, instead of falling to my knees as a slave to my old, destructive instincts and fears, and acting in ways that are unbecoming of my innermost nature as a result, I was able to choose something different. I spent some time processing the resulting feelings, making myself some mac-and-cheese, and getting the excess energy out of my body by playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR for short; goodness me, am I getting old or what??? Hahaha…). I was even reminded to hydrate by a very caring friend; it was good of them to do because I forget all the time, haha… I've uh… I've gotta work on that whole "staying hydrated" thing in general. Whoops…

In any case, I am feeling a little better now. The thing that happened still really stinks, but humans are tough, and we can deal with things that stink. I'll get a good night's sleep and then try to articulate the thoughts rolling around in my head to the people involved. I have a terrible sense of dread regarding this, but at the same time, I know that the people involved are beautiful, wonderful people, so I'll hold out hope that something good will happen.

And even if my worst fears come to pass and bad things happen because I spoke up, I'll have faith that future me can handle the resulting fallout. And if I can't handle the resulting fallout, then I'll trust that my friends will reach their hands out to me and keep me stable until the storm passes; it is the way of things.

I hope that you'll remember, when you're feeling overwhelmed, sad, scared, betrayed, hurt, angry, or what have you… that you're no longer in the old situation. You're no longer a helpless little boy in a laboratory being abused by men and women in white coats. You're no longer in a situation where you're valued only for your power, your looks, or for what you can do for others. You can make a different, kinder, and more loving choice. And if you don't know what the different, kinder, and more loving choice looks like, you can turn to any of the people you love for help. If no one else, you can always turn to me for help; I might be just a silly little derpling running around in a stardust-flavored bone mech with meat armor, but I'll always be right here, waiting.

I don't wanna leave this on a melancholy note, so I'll stick this here. It is relevant to the things I've written, and I hope you'll like it.

One of these days… I am going to be more like the mole, when he interacted with the fox in the trap. I'm not there quite yet. But I'm working towards it.

I think I might be able to go work on that music box now. Wish me luck, yeah? I'll wish you luck with your things, too. Please do your best to feel the incoming dawn. And please remember that you have all the love and support that you could possibly want, right under your nose.

Your friend, Lumine

[islandneko]

Something I made with one those photo merging websites, edited together from two pre-existing screenshots that I had on hand.

Also a handy-dandy ramble to go with it:

I don't usually do things like this, but I felt the need to write this all out to get it out of my system and not overwhelm my brain.

I know this pairing isn't for everyone, but, wow, I honestly just love the Maniwa X Tsukiko ship, like I'm fully aware that it's relatively niche (Even within this very fandom) and doesn't have any real canonical basis in the show, but I really can't stop myself from just loving them together.

1.) As a writer, I just really love exploring every possible angle of their overall dynamic, romantic or otherwise, positive or negative. And even if it's something as simple as eating food together or being out and about together going somewhere or what have you, I just enjoy writing and exploring all the ins and outs of their general relationship together.

2.) I also enjoy exploring what it's like for someone who is mentally ill to be in a relationship with someone who isn't, and all the trials and tribulations that come with it, particularly owing to the fact that I myself am neurodivergent and mentally ill, which I think lends something that I can't really figure out to the pairing and the overall experience of writing it. I also occasionally draw upon my experiences with neurodivergence and mental illness for stories or even just scenarios involving either Tsukiko or the pairing, usually with some details changed around to better fit the setting and time period, or sometimes with barely anything changed, but only depending on the exact scenario. Really, now that I'm thinking about it, the fact that I'm neurodivergent and mentally ill is probably why I love the pairing so much, because of feeling a deep or otherwise strong connection based on something that I share in common with one of the characters involved. (In this case, Tsukiko.)

3.) This is something that I realized relatively recently about the pairing, and you'll probably find this pretty weird sounding, but I realized that this pairing is some sort of a happy place for me, particularly after some rough fandom experiences that I went through in a different fandom back in late 2023 that made me leave it on the fanfic side of things and caused me to discontinue what I had been writing at that point in time, forcing me to have to move on with my life and causing me to struggle with some intensely negative feelings that I have to deal with on occasion even if things have gotten better since I disappeared from that different fandom, which in turn brings me back to the Maniwa/Tsukiko pairing, because at the same time all that stuff when down, I had been in the middle of writing a since completed remake of my first multi chapter story for the pairing, which helped me in a way to shoulder some of the initial misery that I had been dealing with and also lead me to eventually reboot my entire fan universe as a result. (Which is still going strong after 10 installments, so, really, remaking my first multi chapter fic for the pairing proved to be pretty beneficial for me in the long run.)

4.) This is a bit of an odd one, but another reason why I love the pairing so much is tied to my deep, never ending obsession with Maniwa, and I'm not talking like in a fictional crush/attraction sense either, I'm fully completely obsessed with him to the point of sheer unhealthiness, which is why I post all those screenshots of him and often reblog lots of posts related to him, because of my deep, deep, obsession with him and needing constant content of him as a result of it. I'm relatively unapologetic about my obsession with him and don't really see it as anything detrimental to my life in any sort of way, if anything, I see it as something of a positive thing, because while he may be fictional, he does make me pretty happy and content with life for the most part.

I don't really have anything to add, so I think I'll just end it right here.

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #335

Brain Curds are lightly edited daily writing - usually flash fiction and sometimes terrible on purpose.

Experiment in progress. Refer to case logs.

My dreams were jumbled. Cross-cut demons gallivanted with bubbly nothings and waves of unjustified anger; an inconceivable and indescribable set of emotions blew my heart up like a hot air balloon with the hole at the top sealed up. I rolled off the wrong side of the bed and got ready for school.

I waited outside History class, but something felt off. Serenity wasn’t here (though that wasn’t entirely unusual). In fact, none of my usual classmates were here, replaced with strangers, doppelgangers, and rarely-seen background characters to the soap opera that was my life.

I took my backpack off and threw it to the ground, then dug through for my planner. I pulled it out and flipped to this week’s page. Tuesday was already filled out. Today was… Wednesday? I sleepwalked through an entire day this time?!?

I ran to class, whatever class it was that I had first today, and my legs seemed to know the proper direction. I burst in and plopped into my seat just before the bell rang.

At lunch, I… wait, wait, what happened in class? I skipped again!

“Don’t panic!” Celeste said, panicking. “I’ve finally managed to lock on to your signal. Don’t move from that exact spot in spacetime.”

My face twitched.

“Dude, you okay?” Gordon asked.

I took a deep breath. “I’m fine. What were we talking about?”

“I was just gonna say how weird that new girl is. Don’t look now, but I think she’s watching you.”

“Ugh.” I rested my forehead on the table. It wasn’t as comfortable as it looked.

“I’ve seen this shit before,” C.J. said. “She’s a witch. She’s putting a hex on you! I can read lips, and she’s definitely mouthing the bad luck spell.”

“No way!” Gordon looked at C.J, incredulous. “Magic’s not real!”

“Yes it is! It’s dangerous as hell, too.”

“She must be jealous of you, dude,” Gordon speculated, talking to me directly. “I heard she’s a dyke. Probably wants Serenity for herself.”

I rubbed the side of my head. The hair there was shorter than I remembered last night… or, uh, Monday night? I must have gotten that haircut yesterday.

“Actually,” I said, sitting back up and rubbing the pattern of the table off my forehead. “I think she’s trying to get at me. She invited me to her birthday party the other day.”

Celeste waved her arm in front of my face. “Hey! You can hear me, right? Don’t go to the birthday party! We might lose contact and your blackouts could get worse!”

Blackouts? Come on, Celeste, I don’t shoot whiskey all day. These are time jumps, and they’re your fault.

She phased out a little and looked like a magnet had been introduced to a tube TV.

“God dammit,” she said, fiddling with something that wasn’t here.

Gordon started laughing. “You’re not seriously thinking of going, right?”

“… Maybe.”

“Why?” C.J. asked. “She’s weird. It’ll probably be, like, a goth party where everyone has to wear black lipstick.”

I shrugged. “I’ll never know if I don’t go.”

“Hey now…” Gordon put his hand on my shoulder. “You’re not, like… into her, are you? Don’t stick your dick in crazy, dude. Don’t.”

I pushed his hand off. “What the hell do you know about sticking your dick anywhere? Other than your right hand?”

“Oooooh!” C.J. whooped. “Roasted!”

“And I’m not into her! We’re just co-stars, so -”

“What?” Gordon chuckled.

“I’m gonna be in the next school play. Didn’t I tell you?” I asked because I was legitimately not sure if I had. Also, I was legitimately not sure how I knew this since I didn’t recall getting any confirmation of it, but it felt right.

“What’s up with you lately?” Gordon asked, squinting at me. “It’s like you’re a different person.”

I held out my arms. “I’m the same guy I’ve always been!”

“Wait…” C.J. gasped. “It’s the hex! It’s turned you into one of them!”

“‘Them’ who?”

He leaned in close and whispered. “The theatre kids.” He gulped. “And now… now you’ll never get laid!”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think theatre kids are known for their celibacy, C.J.”

Please comment, reblog, like, and follow if you enjoyed - I'd love to know what you think! See you again tomorrow.

[sinretrograde]

Learning about multi-source introjects is really helping me, and it seems to be a way we cope and "build" ourselves.

Rambling post ahead...

It's not that we have so many introjects, but that we build our personalities by stealing traits and appearances and general sense of being from fictional characters, celebrities, people we know, that sort of thing... and the mish mosh takes a while to settle. That's why many of our fictives end up feeling like they "faded" and their traits stick to someone else who exists. I guess. Maybe not in every instance.

Its like the brain went "gotta emulate this guy fully for a little while and then one of you can absorb him."

Obviously this doesn't stop us from developing new members who stay seprate entities with their own seprate self sense, and the ability now to grab on to traits when the time comes.

Idk if this makes any sense...

For example, at one point we had "dragon" who was kinda just... a dragon, came out mainly to do silly animalish stuff, play, explore, lay in sun beams, whatever. When we developed a fictive from a game with a medieval feel, dragon perked up and payed attention to this new guy, altho from a distance. As the fictive was emulated more and living more integrated into our general life, he and dragon sort of merged. Two sides of a single coin type shit. And then dragon suddenly had the fictive's name and their identities became both a single entity and with some nuance they could be more like original dragon or more like original fictive at times, but trying to separate those identities would lead to crisis.

So when I started having my little crisis... es... I started to notice some specific issues I was having. A sense of blending with very specific others, never any of the other members.

It wasn't until having a dream which struck me with such inexplicable fear despite how kind and gentle it was. In that dream one entity felt like they had presence in ways that were more than a dream. And so they kept showing up in the dream, and I panicked and tried to leave for a while. The dreams kept happening even after I locked myself away for a while, and every time this figure appeared it would ping a little "connection" between them and me.

The dream entity started to show up even awake, and occasionally pinged in the brain as me (to others, in other words we say ping to mean intuition of who's speaking or influencing or feeling something) despite my refusal to interact.

This is something else I'd like to talk about sometime, but the fear we tend to feel when developing new members of the system. Idk if it's because of the general stress of it all or what. I see posts rightfully calling out this feeling as potentially damaging, and I can see the effects of that in real time as we struggle to accept certain aspects of our existence. Not sure how to deal with that yet, we're also so naturally skeptical that we repeatedly will say "no that's not happening" in an attempt to make sure only the ""real"" stuff stays.

Anyway.

In my case I'm a little upset about the merges we've made just because it feels weird to be romantically and sexually intimate with... well... wait just a second as a system we are all eachother and "ourself" in a singular sense, technically... so oxymoron... being intimate with oneself is baked into being intimate with system members. Therefore double weird that I'm weirded out being intimate with "myself" ie the ones I merged with who both feel like me but also seprate from me, but in a way that's different from how I'm seprate from other members of my own system...

Make sense?

I'm just getting some thoughts down, I might draw a chart up to explain visually...

Back to the main point, idk if this is a "several individual systems inside one system" situation or a "multi-source absorbed into one guy but occasionally still can be perceived as seprate entities though always linked together"

Or like that the same thing?

I think that's like........... the same thing...

[welcometothejianghu]

Like, okay:

I said this originally as a loving joke, reflecting the way pretty much every furry I know is trans, trans-adjacent, or in some other way in possession of a case of the Genders, managed or otherwise. But the more I think about it, I'm absolutely serious.

For those of you not familiar with queer and trans readings: What follows is an interpretation of the show that the show did not intend. However, it is a reading that I feel is not only consistent with canon as presented, but improves information we are given in the canon.

Okay? Okay.

A lot of the time trans narratives are presented as "I always knew I was a boy!" or "I loved trying on my sisters' dresses!" as though the One Real Way To Be Trans is to know from the time you're a toddler. And some people do! But a whole lot of trans people don't. Sometimes the trans narrative is a person experiencing Something Is Wrong But I Don't Know What It Is for a very long time until they poke the box labeled GENDER??? and it pokes back.

That's much more of what I'm thinking re: Jeongje. He (and I'm going to keep using "he" here, because I'm talking about him not only pre-transition, but pre-recognition of the need for transition, and also because he's fictional) has many, many other brain problems that can't be attributed to his sense of gender identity -- but boy, that sure can't be helping anything.

The show presents Park Jeongje as someone who has gone through his entire life being squeezed (usually by his mom) into tighter and tighter boxes. He has essentially ceded all control over his own life to Do Haewon, allowing her to tell him what he wants and what he should be, because deep down, he is a very abused child who thinks if he can do the right thing enough times, mommy will love him. Out of sheer self-preservation, he has not had a self-reflective thought in decades. He knows he's not the man she wants him to be, but he can't figure out entirely why. He doesn't know why he doesn't want to be that man. He just keeps failing at something he doesn't want to succeed at anyway, and it sucks, and it's making him miserable.

I also think Jeongje's being trans would explain a lot of his relationship with Lee Dongsik, which is obviously weird and fraught. They're supposed to be best friends, but the relationship we see them having onscreen is ... a very odd relationship to assign the "best friends" label to. Sure, there's plenty of moments of their life we don't see, but the glimpses we get tell an interesting story of how Jeongje behaves when he's around Dongsik:

As kids: Jeongjie is not wearing the taekwondo school's uniform in the five-second flashback we get; he is the prissy little tweed-clad kiddo who takes shelter from the bullies behind curly-haired Lee Dongsik (while Oh Jihwa beats up the bad kids).

As teens: We barely see them interact. We see Jeongje get weird while Dongsik is asleep, between pocketing the guitar pick and having to get smashed as preparation for telling Dongsik that he and Yuyeon are seeing one another. Everything else is conducted separately. We get told Jeongje follows the much cooler (and angrier) Dongsik like a little duckling, but we don't see it.

As adults: Now we get to see the duckling behavior, though it's been moderated by twenty years of coping skills and institutionalization. And yeah, Jeongje has been cowed into submission by his mom, but he still bites back and gets angry at her at times. He's much more willingly submissive to Dongsik. He keeps sort of wetly throwing himself at Dongsik, desperate for Dongsik to do something with him, to fix him.

Reading this through a lens of assuming Park Jeongje is an egg puts the whole dynamic in a different light. Now, Park Jeongje has Dongsik as his male role model, performing a type of masculinity Jeongje is supposed to match. (Do Haewon may hate Lee Dongsik's guts, but you know she'd love it if Park Jeongje were butch enough to get into a public brawl with goons.) He's almost trying stay hidden in the shadow of Dongsik's masculinity, like maybe if he's just close enough, it'll count for both of them.

If you also assume that Dongsik is gay and either Dongsik or Yuyeon has told Jeongje this (and I do), that makes Jeongje's reaction to Dongsik more fraught. He's got a crush on Dongsik he doesn't know what to do with, since he knows that Dongsik would theoretically be receptive to male affection. However, that still doesn't feel right.

And that's because it's not a gay crush, it's a straight one. Jeongje so badly wants Dongsik to damsel-in-distress him, to swoop him up like a princess and carry him away from his awful mom and his sad life. Just imagine how happy he'd be as a housewife! I'm sure Jeongje imagines it, every time he stuffs himself into his uniform and goes to his horrible job that he's bad at and hates. And of course he laughs, ha ha, that's stupid, boys don't get to be housewives. He can think if I were a girl in the same way he can think if I won the lottery: idle wishful thinking disconnected from reality.

I'd even go so far as to say that Jeongje is not in love with Dongsik; Jeongje is desperately clinging to the idea of being taken care of and Cinderella'd away from his problems, and Lee Dongsik is the only viable candidate for Prince Charming around.

...Also, Han Juwon is not the reason Jeongje starts to unravel, but that sure doesn't help. It's like ... what was that movie, My Best Friend's Wedding? Like you've made a pact with your bestie to be bachelors together forever, until, whups, he has a boyfriend now, and also that boyfriend is completely different from you, which makes it clear how much you never stood a chance in the first place. That'll really mess up a guy who's had too many load-bearing blocks taken out of his Jenga tower already.

The only time we really see Jeongje happy and confident is the brief scene when he's with Minjeong. I like to think that she knew, or at least suspected. Maybe she put little sparkly barettes in his hair or painted his tonenails with glitter polish. Maybe sometimes he got an unnie from her instead of an oppa. Or maybe not yet, but she would have, in time, met a few used-to-be-boys on her big city adventures and started making connections. She's the one of them without Manyang Tunnel Vision. She could Get It.

So the happy ending I like to picture for Park Jeongje is three years later, on the other side of his prison sentence, after three years of court-mandated therapy and not talking to his mother and someone making sure he takes the right psychiatric medication every day. He gets out and his friends are happy to have him back -- cautiously at first, but they'll pick up where they left off soon enough. Dongsik's settled with Juwon, and he's actually happy for the first time in his life, and Jeongje is surprised to find that he's actually happy for Dongsik, he really is. He can get a quiet job ringing up groceries or waiting tables, somewhere low-stress that keeps him busy enough that he's not just stewing alone with his own thoughts in the windowless fluorescent-lit basement of a police station.

Then at night, he can go home and start poking around the internet until he finds some friendly site where amateurs post their art. He agonizes over it for a few months, then gets real brave one night and posts one of his own deer drawings. Instant hit! Strangers are commenting and telling him how much they like it, how soft the pencil work is, how they enjoy the way he draws those big, kind doe eyes. They ask him to upload another! He does! Some of the commenters become familiar to him, so he goes over to their profiles and comments on their art! Friendship!

It wouldn't take too long of this before Jeongje finds his way from the posts of "here is my picture of a wolf" to the posts of "here is my picture of me, as a wolf." A fascinating new world opens! Are there more of these kind of people? Turns out: yes. Soon he finds a friendly account of someone who posts pictures of themself as a deer, and Jeongje, in the spirit of friendship, makes a picture of that person as a deer and posts it. Friendship increased! So many positive comments and thank-yous! Someone asks if he takes commissions! He's never thought about taking commissions before! Why not? Now he's got extra money, and that's always nice to have!

And somewhere in all of this, someone comes to him and says, hey, I'm a man, but I'd like you to draw me as a girl deer, and in the deep dark places at the back of Jeongje's poor traumatized mind, a goddamn lightbulb switches on.

...Anyway, free idea to a good home, I guess!

I'm not going to be the one who writes the 100k-word post-canon epic about Park Jeongje dealing with the fallout from [end-of-series spoilers], becoming an artist, getting real into online furry communities, and transitioning at 45, but dammit, someone should.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm in a weird limbo like "have I never had the desire to be in a relatioship or having sex with someone because I'm somewhere on the aroace spectrum, because I've never really had examples of healthy romantic relationships around me and I'm just too much of a romantic towant no-strings-attached sex, or because deep down I know I'm weird and unlovable? were the rare things I identified as crushes I never really wanted to act on for some reason on people I actually knew rather than just safely untouchable celebrities *real* crushes or just some kind of aesthetic attraction?" and I have been there for years tbh. I think I have a libido, because I have kinks and because every once in a while I feel the need to jerk off, but when I see other people talk about masturbation and especially sex as a *urgent* need that presents itself very regularly and can fuck you up if you ignore it, my instinctive response is disbelief, like "you mean that's not just a smut trope??" *Especially* when it comes to sex, because then I'm like "surely you don't need a partner and jerking off is just as good???" Then again, sometimes I think I may not even jerk off right, because I get wet but I'm pretty sure I only had a orgasm once and that's fine with me, really.

Despite all of that, I love romance (books, movies, hell even quote-collages on tumblr), and erotica, and kinky fic and fanart, especially if it's porn with feelings (which to me is really more like... all kinds of heightened feelings, including negative ones) but sometimes I also like "cold prickly" stuff (does anyone use that distinction anymore? Like, warm fuzzy/cold prickly). I can actually get very emotional over it all! I can definitely get aroused from the horny stuff, but usually most I get out of it is aesthetic/sensual/emotional pleasure. Every once in a blue moon I even watch porn, even if I prefer short clips/previews to longer stuff because I find that boring/the attempts at plot and dialogue make cringe. Sometimes I even think "oh, if I ever had the opportunity to try that irl, I think I'd like to take it" about kinks I've read about or watched.

And then, most of the fic I write is smut, romance, or a combination of the two. I love shipping as a thing to do myself and as phenomenon to read up on, and the same goes for kink in shipping. It's all so interesting and fascinating, romance and sex and kink and all the things that go with them in fiction, pro or fannish. My blog is full of stuff like that, so is my AO3, so are my conversations in fannish spaces.

It's just... I don't really fantasize about romance or sex in ways that involve myself. Or people I know. Or people who aren't clearly non-existing fictional characters. The only times when I do are when I consciously make an effort to to try and figure myself out I guess? Like, would I like this thing the way it's portrayed in fiction? Yes, I'm pretty sure I would. Would I enjoyed the more realistic stuff that would probably go with it irl? I'm not sure because the thought of it is already stressing me out but what if I'm just childish/weak-willed/a horrible person who's horrible at interacting with other people like a normal human being? Could I think of a type of person, man or woman or nb, I could try to make an effort for? Not really.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... brains are weird. People are weird. And anonymous or sem-anonymous online spaces are places where you can just, idk, take a bit of weight off it. Not constantly worry if your interests align with your identity (or, uh, I guess attempts at identity in my case) in the right way. Love romantic love and the ways people talk about it a weird amount even if that's not the way you feel about it in your own life, even.

(... leaving aside that having a set of hyperspecific tags for variations on the same subject, if I got what that anon was saying, doesn't really sound like a good way of organizing a blog to me, lol)

--

FWIW, most descriptions of masturbation are very cis man oriented and narrow even considering that. Orgasm is not always the goal of masturbation if you're the kind of person who can hang out all afternoon doing it.

And fantasizing only about fictional characters and/or scenarios not involving oneself is pretty common. It can mean you're asexual, but I don't think it has to. I think it's just widely ignored by sexuality researchers, and only asexuals trying to self describe have elaborated on the subject much. It's a pet peeve of mine that I've sent more than one rude letter to sexuality researchers about over the years.

I think people can organize their blogs how they like, but people going "Unf. I want them so bad!" and meaning it ~aesthetically~ instead of hornily is a pet peeve of mine in the same way that those dumbass people using the "submissive and breedable" meme and claiming it's not a horny thing are. So I'll avoid blogs I notice doing that.

(LOL. As if I'd notice. We all know I only read my activity page and not my dashboard. But still.)

[whorefordazai]

Can I request Dazai, Chuuya, Atushi, and Ranpo reacting to you telling them that you shifted dimensions to their dimension.

telling them you shifted into their dimension

ft. dazai | chuuya | atsushi | ranpo x gn! reader

genre: fluff, comedy

warnings: none

Dazai

When he first saw you, he’d be a little curious😏

But he wouldn’t exactly know that you’re from another dimension. Somethings up, but what?

When you finally decide to tell him, it would take a few seconds of disbelief/silence for him to process it.

“Dazai, I’d like to say that I shifted dimensions to this dimension☺️”

“.....did you hit your head somewhere, darling? Should I get Yosano ◕‿◕?”

“I’m serious ^o^”

He wouldn’t show it, but he’ll believe you after a while of thinking to himself. I mean, something like “the book” exists so why not being able to shift dimensions?

He would ask you how to shift

“PLEASE teach me how to shift 😊🙏”

“Didn’t I say my dimension is a rotten piece of shit? Why do you think I’m here ◕ ◡ ◕?”

It would be the both of yours little secret🤞

He’s curious, so he’ll constantly ask you what things are like back where you actually “live.”

“You guys are fictional characters and everyone is in love with you🙂”

“That’s right. I expected nothing less ▰˘◡˘▰”

“They’re also in love with a 5’3 redhead with anger issues and an emotionally constipated emo boy •‿•”

“....wait—who could that be 🤔”

Wait till you tell him about soukoku😄

“WHAT? How could my fans betray me like that? Impossible. Why would I ever be in love(🤢)with that hatrack⁉️”

For your own safety, never mention chuuya ever again okay☺️?

Real talk, tell him everyone just wants to give him a hug and tell him to live 😕

He’ll be shocked, blush a little, and make a dash for it to run away🏃🏼‍♀️💨💨

What, did you actually think this mf knows how to express his emotions 🤣🤣? (cries)

Chuuya

He won’t ever believe you ಥ‿ಥ

“Chuuya...I’ve been meaning to tell you something...”

“Okay, spit it out ಠ_ಠ”

“...I’m from a different dimension.”

“...ᇂ_ᇂ”

“◕ ◡ ◕?”

“Did you hit your fucking head somewhere? Stop talking crazy shit, we have a mission.”

Just accept it, y/n. Stay quiet and accept your fate 🧍‍♂️🤚

He doesn’t have time to deal with even more crazier shit than he does on the daily. So just live your life without him acknowledging it.

But—in the case where he does find out—he’ll have a different reaction. More of a shocked “I don’t have time for this/why does shit like this always happen to me”

He’ll pinch the bridge of his nose and and grab both your shoulders and say “okay, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear this, okay? I heard nothing. Nothing at all.”

If you wanna die, definitely bring up dazai !

“Chuuuya~the fans back at home wanna know about you and Dazai 🌝”

“HUH? What about me and that mackerel🤨?”

Consider him half dead from shock and disgust when you say that people ship him and Dazai.

“No no no. I can’t do this. Not today. Not ever.”

*walks away after gracefully punching a wall* 🚶‍♂️🚶‍♂️

“But c’mon chuuya, what about that one dead apple scene ◕3◕?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS A DEAD APPLE??? And for your information, I was passed out so I have no recollection of it😐”

“But you looked like you were about to give him head🤔”

“FUCKING—this is just sexual harassment at this point😐”

Atsushi

Kinda like Chuuya, wouldn’t believe you at first. In fact, he’ll think you have a screw loose in your brain🧐

“Are—are you okay? Do you have fever?”

He wouldn’t be 100% sure of what’s going on (he never really does) but he’ll end up being like “okay, so now what ◕ ◡ ◕?”

Tell him that everyone back in your dimension just wants to hug him and tell him it’s alright and shower him with so much love.

He’ll start crying cuz of that 🥲

Tell him about shin soukoku and he’ll probably break :p

“HUH?? Absolutely not. Akutagawa is never on my mind. I’m never thinking about him. BOYFRIEND?? I’M NOT EVEN—“

It’s okay Atsushi 😙

Apart from that, I think he’d sometimes forget you were from a different dimension if you were acting normal.

I mean, he’s accepted at this point that he’s the one who attracts crazy weird shit so he’s not surprised anymore 🤷‍♀️

But he’d be even more curious as to what people are saying about him in your dimension.

“Atsushi, people want you to show them beast beneath the sheets ◕ ◡ ◕”

“...what is that ◕ ◡ ◕?”

Tell him what that is, then he’ll flip 😁

“NO—NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! What’s happening? How did I end up having this conversation? Why is it always me😄?”

Ranpo

He would know. He would just know.

The moment you step into their dimension, Ranpo wouldn’t hesitate to call you out and be like “Y/n is from another dimension.” And then go back to eating his candy.

Everyone who heard him: ʘ‿ʘ?

In fear of him being right, they never brought it up again <3

Would casually ask you, “the next time you come here, bring candy back with you.”

“...uh sure ◕ ◡ ◕?”

He seems oddly calm🙂?

He’s always asking you if bus routes are easier back where you live or if there’s better candy flavors 🤔

Tell him about Ranpoe <3

“Poe? Well yeah, he’s a boy who is my friend. So I suppose that makes him my boyfriend. And no one else can have him, alright🤨?”

Suddenly gets all possessive of Poe from people who are from another dimension 🧐

tag list: @uwu-monster101 @14th-century-homosexual-spirit @yosanoslut @cross-crye @stylesketches @starglow-xx @ranposlover @bsdwhore @arimakii @cytolysis @shadyteacup @dai-tsukki-desu

IM SORRY I forgot to tag y’all the first time AGAIN😖👆

wanna be added to the tag list? Comment on the post HERE

[un2-verse]

BILLY — Kim Taehyung (1)

》 News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right? 《

pairings: john kramer!taehyung x female reader

warnings: dark themes, angst, yandere, murder, torture, self harm, suicide, stalking etc.... (will add more when i know lol) although it is rather innocent in the first couple chapters(?) so idk it could be slow burn but i guess we’ll find out as i write it >< ,, it’s my version of saw if saw was a fucked up love story lol. Please don’t read if any of the topics mentioned trigger you!! 18+

this fic is exactly that, fiction!!!! the au does not represent the characters mentioned irl......

synopsis: you end up lost on the other side of town, where you cross paths with a handsome stranger, kim taehyung, only.... are you a stranger to him?

[a/n: daffodils represent; love me, sympathy, desire and affection returned...]

word count: 3k

series masterlist

part two

——————————————————————————

Hiding behind a mask was something you were accustomed to. Your friend group and family were clueless to the torment you endured from simply existing. You were confident your masking had convinced the world you were happy with yourself. Unbeknown to you, one other person saw straight through your façade.

You wanted to end your life.

He needed you to cherish your life.

Nothing looked familiar. The café you frequented was nowhere to be found. Your usual hangout was most definitely not on the side of town you found yourself in. You felt anxiety slowly curl its way around your body, you were frigid. You tried and tried but couldn’t find it in yourself to run.

You lived in the more friendly part of town (so to speak) – where houses were colourful, gardens pristine, warm-hearted neighbours who would treat you like family and white picket fences are what surrounded you. That was your norm, sure, you weren’t exactly loaded but you weren’t exactly poor either. It was a healthy balance in the middle. That’s not to say you hadn’t lived or seen this side of town before.

Your Mother and Father had grown up on this side of the fence. Two young people brought up in the rougher, more unfortunate areas. Your Mother was tough; she looked like a naïve, weak girl, albeit that was not the case. She was strong willed, used to life on the streets and doing anything she could to get money to make sure there was at least some food on the table. While your Mum was the leader, your Dad was more of a sheep. He was easily influenced and was dragged into the wrong crowd (had his fair share with drugs and street racing). That was their life for a few years till they crossed paths and your Mum helped your Dad get back on the right track.

They didn’t tell you much about their childhood and adolescence but they told you enough to make you appreciate what you have and to always work hard for it. To stick with the right people, be wise and conscious of your decisions. Be kind to those around you.

Your family owned a garage; your Dad was the head mechanic. This was the sole reason you were here. You knew it wouldn’t be simple when you agreed to go to this side of town to get a few bits for your Father’s shop. However, you didn’t expect it to be this difficult. How could you be so stupid? Why didn’t you just ask Hoseok and Yoongi to come with you like your father told you to? Or at least tell them where you were… yet you decided today of all days to be stubborn and venture on yourself, knowing full well how unsafe the area was. There were rundown businesses on either side of the road, beggars at every doorstep; drug dealings happening in broad daylight, no one even trying to hide it.

You felt your phone buzz in your pocket, you took it out and sighed a breath of relief once you’d read the texts.

14:37— From Papa: U ok munchkin ??? Did u get the stuff ?

14:39— From Papa: its ok if u didnt. Yoongs rang said hes got majority this morning lol so be safe n get home soon . Love u

14:40— To Papa: ohhh ok pops, i couldn’t find the shop anyway lol i’ll head back soon, love u too x

*LOW BATTERY*

“Fuck, trust me to forget to charge the bastard.” You rolled your eyes as you stuffed the phone back in your pocket.

Muffled shouting was heard around you. People ran across the street, bumping into you as they ran past. You gathered yourself and moved further down the path. “Great!” you exasperated, “honestly I’m so fucking stupid! Yoongi’s gonna kill me for this, I knew, I knew I should’ve told him I was coming over here but no,” your head was hung low as you dragged your feet across the pavement, “maybe I could tell Hobi, he wouldn’t be as angry right? I’m sure he’ll come,“ A sudden scream ripped you out of your chuntering. You whipped your head to the right, you could make out some figures bustling about in front of you, a group of men were quite clearly fighting… your anxiety struck you and you held your breath as you saw a man pull a knife from the waistband of his sweatpants. All thoughts and common sense seemed to leave all at once. Statue like, feet stuck to the ground. You watched on as the group rushed towards the brown haired man, you scanned his figure: tall, broad, confident… he exuded an intimidating aura even when you were this far away from him.

How could someone be so sure of themselves? It was one against five, surely the loner had no chance?

The glistening of the knife brought you back to your senses. Fucking hell. How do you always end up in these situations when you’re alone? Why me? Why? Good Lord, I need to run. Just as you were about to leave, the group who were arguing charged past you; one gripped his side as another supported his weight. Holy fuck, did he stab him? you stood frozen, yet again, your mind raced a mile a minute. Panic bubbled in your chest.

“You okay there Doll?” His voice was deep, velvet-like. It flowed so smoothly you doubted it was real, it was so soothing like it had wrapped itself around you, embracing your body. You heard his footsteps before he planted himself beside you. His shoulder reached the top of your head, his hand brushed yours. Swallowing your nerves you dared a glance up. He was fucking breath-taking, like a fallen angel. The stranger shot you a small smile that you would’ve easily missed had you not been staring at his features… a blush crept up your neck as you nodded. His smile slowly twisted into a smirk.

Cute, Taehyung thought to himself. Couldn’t help but adore the way you slightly trembled under his gaze, the way your hands gripped and twisted your sweater paws. Almost like a puppy. He cleared his throat and reached his hand to yours, “Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself. I’m Taehyung.” you took his hand into yours, apprehensively you greeted him, “I’m Y/N.”

“Ah, Y/N. I haven’t seen you round here before, you new or something?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side, his eyes seemed to stare right through you.

“Uhm, I don’t live here. I live over the other part of Town… I was just grabbing some stuff for my Dad but, my phones about to die. I have no idea where I am or how to get home, I’m sorry, I promise I didn’t see anything!” a deep chuckle cut you off, Taehyung smiled and beckoned you to follow him.

“Come on Y/N, you’re not suited for this side of Town, I’ll walk you back. A pretty little thing like you, you’re easy prey to these guys.” your feet fell into a cautious pace behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, “hurry up Buttercup, I don’t bite.” Taehyung flashed a boxy grin in your direction, which caused you to speed up ever so slightly.

You were unsure how you felt about letting a complete stranger walk you home, Yoongi would definitely kill you for this. Especially with the recent news of some serial killer named ‘Jigsaw’, Yoongi and Hoseok had been very stern and their usual, overprotective selves when the news had broken out. “It’s on every headline Y/Nie! No more leaving the house on yourself, you need to go anywhere you ring either of us. Got it? Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know either. There’s some dodgy fucks about recently.” Although, you loved them dearly, sometimes their protectiveness was a...little overbearing. You already felt suffocated from your parents (you didn’t need it from your best friends as well). They were happy and believed you to be too; but that was exhausting, faking happiness. You had a constant façade, acted like a happy normal teenager with a happy family; when that was far from the truth.

Drowning. That’s how you’d explain the way you felt. Breathing was difficult and brought you more pain than it was worth. Growing up was tedious, you had grown differently to your peers which only brought ridicule and embarrassment for you. You had struggled with your speech (sometimes you still do), you often stuttered, mispronounced words, the list was endless. That was one of the first reasons you were a castaway. As you grew, the ridicule worsened. Verbal abuse turned physical from your classmates. They made you feel like you were a waste of space. The names they called you, you soon started to believe them. Ugly. Weird. Freak. Stupid. They took root in your brain, slowly they grew and grew till your head was overgrown with twisted, rotten weeds.

Eventually, you sought comfort in blood. You didn’t care that it hurt you; you were almost happy to feel pain. Like you deserved to.

By age 14, you had started to skip school. Only ever there for exams and a couple of art classes you had with Jeongguk. He was what you would’ve called a best friend, he supported you and was by your side till you left school. He went away to college and like always with school friends, you drifted apart. Nevertheless, he still texts you now and then to check in.

Although you were (once) close with Jeongguk. He never knew of your inner demons, the same with Yoongi and Hoseok. You didn’t want to feel like a burden and worry your friends when they had shit to worry about themselves.

Why devastate flowers that flourish beautifully with weeds that manage to twist their way around every crack?

You had walked for a few minutes now, having chatted absentmindedly about anything and everything. The roads still didn’t look familiar to you and you just wished they did, you didn’t want to be away from your home any longer, your feet were starting to ache, your phone was on 10% battery and it was fucking cold. You just wanted to be back in bed tucked up watching Lady and the Tramp or 101 Dalmatians for the millionth time. You felt safe and content when you indulged in your comfort films. Far away from the real world and wrapped up in the false reality. They easily distracted you and that's when you truly felt at peace. Your mind was always too busy thinking about how cute it was when Tramp calls Lady, Pidge or how in love Pongo and Perdy were.

Majority of the time you fantasised about having a love similar, but then again, why would you wanna make yourself vulnerable like that? Is the risk of being hurt (more than you are now) any good? Of course it’s not. Fuck that, life isn’t nothing like those shitty romance films or novels… It’s real and painful.

As you and Taehyung rounded the corner, a little cafe caught your eye, a dainty blue and pink building. Fairy Lights strung up around the windows, you could see a handful of people inside, busy sipping their drinks and chatting away to one another. ‘Aroma Mocha’ hung above the doors. It looked so cute and simple. Your previous thoughts left your mind as quick as they had come. You wanted to go inside, it had an enticing atmosphere.

Taehyung hadn’t realised you’d stopped walking until he couldn’t hear the soft thud of your footsteps behind him, he turned as he called out to you, your eyes still fixed on the cafe. He chuckled to himself, “Fucking adorable, like a kid at christmas,” he walked back over to you. “Hey Doll, you wanna go in?” He felt his heart quicken when you looked at him with those pretty eyes, “We’ve plenty of time to get you back before it’s dark angel.” You answered him with a nod as you turned your head from Taehyung to look back at the alluring little cafe.

Not a second had passed before Taehyung grabbed your hand and pulled you across the road to the entrance; you ignored the warmth of his hand as it intertwined with yours; you ignored the way your tummy erupted with butterflies. Taehyung had stopped to hold the door for you, you murmured a small, “thank you,” looking up at him, the heat that crept up your cheeks making your face resemble that of a doll’s he thought to himself. Once he ushered you fully inside, he placed his hand to rest on the curve of your waist as he guided you to the back corner of the room, where a quaint table for two was unoccupied, a little pot of Daffodils sat atop. How fitting...

Taehyung was quick to pull the chair out for you to take a seat, you pulled it in as you sat down and sent a shy smile his way, “I’m sorry, I know we just met Taehyung but this place is so fucking precious! I hope I’m not bothering you, if I am we can just carry on walking or, I could ring a Taxi? Is this weird? Oh god, I can’t believe--”, Taehyung threw his head back as he laughed, a sound that seemed to wrap its way around your soul, twisting around your heart in the nicest of ways, it was almost like a killer to the weeds taking over your body. A temporary release. You felt like you could really breathe in those short seconds of his laughter.

“Angel, if you were bothering me, I’d have kept on walking. That, or I would’ve called you a Taxi myself, it’s no problem honestly.” You ducked your head as he sent a wink your way, fuck sake Y/N get it together! Why are you acting like a fucking schoolgirl?

“Well I uh, appreciate it so, yeah thank you?” You don’t know what to do, you’re here with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever laid your eyes on… yet you have no clue if what you saw was real, did Taehyung stab someone? Could someone have had the knife who wasn’t Taehyung? Was he even the person you saw in that altercation? Did you imagine everything that had gone off?

Before you had chance to overthink it, a light bubbly voice greeted your ears, “Hi! Welcome to Aroma Mocha, I’m Jimin and I’ll be your server today. Is there anything I can get you?” Jimin held his gaze on you as he flashed you a friendly smile, Taehyung turned around at the sound of his best friend, “Oh, Tae! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, what are you doing here? And who’s this pretty little lady?”

“This is Y/Nie, she was in the neighbourhood so we thought we’d nip in for something to drink before I take her back to hers.” you sent a warm smile to Jimin which he gladly returned, “I’ll have my usual and can you get Y/Nie a Strawberry Iced Tea? Thanks man.”

Once Jimin had disappeared to make your drinks, you shot your eyes to Taehyung, “Uhm, how’d you know I like Strawberry Iced Tea?” Taehyung didn’t even look in your direction as he scrolled through his phone, eyes glued to the screen. A minute passed by and he’d still not acknowledged your question so you let it slide, it wasn’t that big of a deal right? Your mind drifted. Your fingers rested atop of your lap, hidden from the sight of onlookers, picking around your nails as anxiety flooded your body. You felt like you were about to suffocate. You shouldn’t be talking to anyone, you shouldn’t let anyone close. You were only going to fuck everything up in a heartbeat. It’s only natural. Self deprecating thoughts devoured and made their way through your veins, poisoning yourself further; your whole body felt as though it was alight.

Jimin brought you your drinks, placed them carefully in front of the pair of you as you both said your thanks.

The click of Taehyung’s phone being locked and the clearing of his throat brought you back to your senses. “The drink I ordered for you is popular here so, I assumed you’d like to try it. You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” your eyes shot up to meet his, your head tilted a little to the left as your tongue wet your lip, so puppy like...

You stared incredulously, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Taehyung.” You leant forward slightly as you wrapped your lips around the straw and took a sip.

Taehyung saw the way you sucked your drink up through your straw, his eyes darkened. Thankful to have worn sweatpants that day, he shifted himself discreetly, “I’m not stupid Angel, I know what you’re doing under the table. I’m here, so talk to me. I’ll listen to whatever you gotta say.”

You stuttered as you wracked your brain for something to say, “I-I only met you like forty minutes ago, I don’t even tell my friends what’s wrong. Not that there is, everything’s fine.”

You met me just short of an hour ago, he thought to himself, “You don’t have to lie to me Y/Nie…” he grabbed your hands that were laid near the cup of your Iced Tea. His thumb rubbing circles onto the back of your hand. You looked small and fragile, like the Daffodils on the table; one little pluck and you’d be ruined. He wouldn’t admit it to you just yet but, Taehyung fucking loved how delicate you seemed as you sat across from him.

How easy it would be to take your life away. How easy it’d be to pull those weeds up that are poisoning you, torturing you every single day. He shook his head, as he cleared those thoughts. No, only Y/N can make that decision. I’m just going to help her choose.

Live or Die.

You visibly winced, “You don’t know me. Think whatever the fuck you want about me, it doesn’t matter.” your eyes flashed hurt as you went back to picking your skin. You knew it, this whole encounter was too good to be true. A complete stranger (well acquaintance technically) had just presumed shit about you, the fact he was right is what hurt more. You didn’t want anyone to know how you were feeling. Or how you were dealing with it.

You couldn’t exactly tell him to piss off, you still needed his help home and so you tried to distract yourself from the unsettling gaze that watched your every move. You let out a breath as Taehyung went back to his phone. Your eyes drifted as you picked up the local Newspaper, your eyes skimmed over the headline, ‘Jigsaw Traps Continue’. Taehyung noticed you staring at the front page, and chuckled, “you scared of Jigsaw Angel?”

You shook your head, why would you be scared of some nutjob who’s targeted criminals and drug dealers? You’re a nobody. “Of some psychopathic puppet?” if anyone did anything to you that would threaten your life, it would be you. Taehyung just laughed in return as you skipped the article and skim-read the other pointless stories.

You were fucking clueless as to who he was while he knew every little thing about you. He had watched you for months… His precious little Y/Nie… Oh how silly you were, taking your life for granted.

You hated yourself that much, you were willingly marking yourself up. Tainting your skin… oh your skin, how fucking beautiful and soft it looked, even with all the scars it still looked perfect… Taehyung wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and lock you inside with him. Forever. He didn’t want anyone touching what was his.

He knew you wore a mask when in public, too afraid to show your real self. Little did you know, he wore a mask himself...only he wore it to better other people.

He had a plan.

And you’d soon find out.

Let the games begin.

[thickenmyblood]

hey maca :)) I have sth that I’d love to hear your input on! (wall of text incoming so beware- I’m absolutely not mad if you don’t want to answer lmao). Basically it’s about how you portray women in your works and to what extent you see that portrayal mirrored in the canon books. I have noticed that a lot of writers tend to go a traditional route with for example daughters not being heirs like you also mentioned in an answer for a wtsioa ask on here. Considering the cultures Vere and Akielos are based on that’s obviously very logical and a lot of authors (including you) make it work fantastically! Yet personally I never got the vibe of Vere and Akielos being as patriarchal in canon, mostly because the Information we get is kind of confusing. On one hand damen is a walking manosphere (and. all of Akielos in general as well) without any prominent female figures in his life but on the other hand damen only ever speaks appreciatively of for example the female vaskian warriors. Both countries seem to ban women from the army yet Damen also refers to a warrior queen. The regent is a total misogynist but with the wording Laurent uses it almost seems like that is more the exception and not the general rule of veretian court life. Both countries also have ties to Vask, an exclusive matriarchy and Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to vaskian occupations in the past. I could go on for a lot longer but I guess that damens overall positive attitude towards women and especially stereotypically spoken masculine women is what sticks out the most to me. It just seems kind of misplaced in a world that supposedly is as sexist as the original cultures from our world. Which is why I’d say both countries do have gender roles but are overall a lot more egalitarian than their respective real world og cultures. But that’s only my take and I’d love to hear more on what others think about the portrayal of women in canon and how they chose to portray it in fanfiction. Love you and your new work, hope you’re doing well❤️

HELLO!!! Thank you for asking me interesting stuff :, ) you always have the best questions and my sad little inbox is open to you any time, friend. I divided this into parts, so:

My portrayal of women: I need to work on this a lot lmao. I’m not proud of any female character I have ever written for this fandom, and I’m also not proud to say I struggle horribly when it comes to writing female OCs, especially if the story is not about a female character that is a literal projection of me. Or Bella Swan (yes, Twilight literally shaped my sad little brain and the way I write and consume fiction).

Authors writing female characters in a “traditional” way (for fantasy settings): I can’t speak for other authors but I definitely think, in my case, that using the “it’s a patriarchal society, women have no rights, women can’t be heirs, etc.” blueprint is a matter of being lazy. It’s quick, and easy, and it’s been done before so we all know how it works and a) it’s unlikely that you’ll mess it up (in the plot hole kind of way) and b) it’s obvious that most readers know how the usual system works and so you don’t have to spend paragraphs or even chapters explaining it to them. I am very lazy when it comes to world-building for fics. Why? Because when I’m writing fanfiction I don’t give two shits about the world, I just care about the characters doing Things and having Feelings. The moment you start to question these issues (a society where women can join the army, where they can be heirs, where maybe they can have multiple husbands, etc.) a billion issues arise because it’s not the “usual way” and so you’ll have to deal with “unusual problems”. See: plot holes, info-dumping, etc.

Vere and Akielos in canon: I think the books get very, very confusing at times when it comes to gender roles in that specific world. They also get very confusing about how royalty works, in my opinion. So:

Damen never mentions female influences in his life, not even nannies or wetnurses or anything. He mentions past queens and his mother, but even then… It’s always struck me as “what the actual fuck” that we get no information on Egeria. In TSP, he doesn’t even read as curious to me, especially when I think of that line that goes something like “oh, well, he’d never asked how tall she was”.

Then you have Jokaste, who is highborn and also… perhaps trained in politics? It’s unclear to me if she’s ever been directly involved in meetings or been an active member of the Council or even been allowed to study these issues. Clearly, she’s smart and capable and cunning, but like… how? Did she have private tutors? Is she a self-made woman? Like, what’s up with that? Are women allowed to engage in public politics? Are they allowed to be kyroi?

IMO, Damen complimenting the female warriors in Vask has to do with how appreciative he is of war-related stuff. Like, he thinks people with his own qualities are neat. We see this time and time again in the books—having honor, being brave, respecting one’s family, protecting those who need protecting… He compliments these things when he sees them in others, especially in Laurent. Obviously one of the big changes in Damen as a character is that he goes from being daddy’s boy to being like “well, actually… maybe war isn’t always the answer, and maybe war isn’t always honorable”. The Vaskian warriors prove themselves worthy of praise in a “manly” way, if that makes sense. (In the same way, Laurent proves himself in the Okton, not so much to Damen but to other Akielons). So, in essence, War > Any issues he may have about women doing Stuff.

Don’t judge me for this but I can’t remember the Regent talking about women. Do you have any quotes about that? I feel like Book 1 is super rich when it comes to world-building stuff and yet it’s the book I remember the least. I know he obviously has a preference for boys and not girls, but I don’t recall him having interactions with Vannes or ladies at court? I’M SORRY I’M SO STUPID but I don’t own the book so I can’t exactly word search my way out of this one, and so instead of saying stupid stuff, I’m asking anyone reading this (lol, you and my mom probably) to please tell me what canon says on this issue.

Ties to Vask: Er, yeah, I mean… They’re clearly not at war with Vask and have some sort of economic deal (there are Vaskian pets in Arles? Which makes me wonder if they, like, buy them from Vask? Or if the pets are Vaskian and turn into pets in Vere? Slaves are not like pets so I don’t know?), BUT just because they have deals with this kingdom/are on good terms with the ruler does not mean they necessarily approve? Like, maybe they’re like “yeah, it’s weird they give women so much power, but also I need that silk/leather/WHATEVER, so I’ll shut up about that”.

“Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to Vaskian occupations in the past.” Is this in the books or is this something she said in an interview/post-releasing the trilogy? I know in the books there’s a quote that Akielos and Patras are similar because they both have slaves, but other than that I can’t quite remember anything about Patras? Like, I don’t recall Pacat giving us extensive and thorough world-building on either nation, at all. Once again, I am asking you for more explanations on this because I literally don’t remember.

4. My opinion and a Stupidity Disclaimer: As I’ve said above, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t remember and so I’m not trying to preach to anyone reading this or even saying that I hold the truth about… anything. I’m answering questions as I see fit and asking more questions when I run out of answers.

I believe world-building is not one of Captive Prince’s strong points. I will not elaborate on this because this is already long enough but there is simply, in my opinion, not enough material to reach any solid conclusions when it comes to world-building questions such as the role of women in Vere and Akielos, how compulsory homosexuality affects the development of highborn men and women in Vere, exactly what makes Akielos’ view on women different from Vere’s (if there’s any difference at all), the history of gender roles in this world and how it’s evolved up until canon, how Lamen can solve the heir issue without recurring to, once again, “the usual stuff” (concubines, bastards, marriage to women, etc.). It’s clear from what I’ve read that Pacat has come a long way as a writer and that her new trilogy has a lot more in-depth explanations to world-building questions, but this is not the case with CP, and so I’m afraid my answer to most of this is “I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone can know for sure”.

Lastly, I think I struggle a lot with understanding the role of women in this universe because I simply did not see enough women doing stuff, so I don’t know what’s permitted, what’s unacceptable, what’s illegal, what is straight-up execution worthy, etc. This is not me complaining about the lack of female characters in CP, at all, which I know is contradictory to stuff I’ve said in the past (I answered a couple asks a year ago about how I’d wished we’d gotten Vannes’ POV or Jokaste’s POV in the short stories). I’ve changed my mind, and so I think Pacat is entitled to write whatever she wants, just like I’m entitled to talk shit about KR with any living soul who will listen lmao.

To end this on a spicy note, I think sometimes we consume the wrong media and then complain because it doesn’t have what we wanted. If you’re looking for a trilogy with strong, fleshed-out female characters, Captive Prince is not for you. If you’re looking for a trilogy on female struggles and, I don’t know, defying… the male gaze… Captive Prince is not for you. There are plenty of books out there that focus exclusively on female characters, featuring sapphic relationships, and dealing with gender issues. WHICH IS NOT TO SAY WE SHOULDN’T BE HAVING THESE DISCUSSIONS. This is not about this particular question, but more about a lot of posts I’ve seen floating around… complaining about Pacat’s writing and the themes she didn’t explore.

If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading, and know this is NOT me telling you what to think. This post is an open question that anyone can engage with, although I hope people will engage with this directly and on this platform, instead of… taking it somewhere else where I sadly can’t engage back! Unlike what happened with our awesome fat Laurent discussion, I will be replying to any questions I get on this (Note: I did not reply to most of those questions because a long time had passed and they were sort of repetitive).

[youredoingkinwrong]

So, um, three quick questions:

First off, is it normal to want to go by or change your name to the same name as one of your kintypes, or at the very least a similar name?

Second, is feeling massive amounts of kin euphoria whenever you refer to yourself by that name normal too? Or is it abnormal?

Third and finally: is it, well, particularly weird to identify as a My Little Pony character in this kind of way? I mean, I know I *am* her, and so in that case it’s not *that* weird, but at the same time the logical and anxious parts of my brain are really churning around in thought and constant self-doubt, despite the fact that, well, I have literally identified as her for longer than I have any other character (since way before I knew what Fictionkin was, actually). And I also know that all sorts of kintypes can come from all sorts of sources (there are people who have kintypes of the *cookies* from *Cookie Run* for goodness’ sakes), and there are a decent amount of people with MLP kintypes, but at the same time for me it feels like I should hold myself to a different standard even though I’ve recently realised that I can just allow myself to be something if I want (that something in particular being a pony from MLP, even if when you get down to the nitty gritty I also identify as a character from the series in addition to identifying as a pony).

Thaaaat last question kinda got out of hand, but still! I know I shouldn’t be seeking external validation particularly regularly (and, well, I’ve mostly come to peace with *being* my kintype and also being a pony, even if it sometimes feels a bit weird) but I feel like I need tangible stories from others rather than just an inherent knowledge, which, let’s just say can mean my questioning can get to annoying levels sometimes. I hope I didn’t go over the top here…

Hi anon,

First: I think it's perfectly normal to want to change your name to your kintype's name. After all, I go by Luke on this blog and in most kin spaces, and in my real life I've definitely considered changing my legal name to Luke quite often. I'm still currently on the fence about it but it's something deep down I really love being called. So at least between you and me, it's totally normal. After all, look at how many 'kin go by their kintype names around here - there's something special about being acknowledged as that character just by virtue of being called.

Second: I once again think that's fairly normal, especially for a new or particularly strong shift. I wouldn't feel much right now if someone referred to me as Apollo, but it would still feel nice. When people call me Luke it feels right, and it always has.

Third: There's nothing wrong with feeling this way about an MLP kintype. Our kintypes aren't something we can choose, and we certainly can't choose how we feel about them. Luke is my oldest fictional kintype (not including the fact that I've been otherkin since I was little lol), and he's the one I constantly feel the strongest connection to. I didn't exactly decide it was going to be him, but it's him all the same. We have no control over these things, so frankly as long as it's not hurting anyone then you should feel free to embrace your identity.

[sophieinwonderland]

Has your host ever worried you might become someone very different and detrimental to him? Like that one day you might become a "scary / evil voice" similar to what villains in fiction sometimes have? (I don't think you will, I just had that kind of thought towards my own headmate in the past and want to know if others have thought about that too at some point).

Early on, I think we both had those fears. I know who I am, but the idea of changing was scary, because I didn't know what I might become. We also didn't know if this might end up becoming harmful in other ways.

So, during those first few days, I gave him permission, if things went too far and I ended up becoming harmful, to... dissipate me...

It's hard to write that now, and I feel like that permission has since been revoked. No matter what happens, we've agreed to work it out and figure things out together. But it was a topic of discussion. (It was my idea.) Back then, I didn't have things anchoring me to the physical world. It was just me and him. I didn't have enough of a life to be concerned if I died.

That's not to say I wanted it. But I didn't want to live knowing that I was hurting him either.

But now, the thought scares me. I don't want to die, and lose everything I have here.

And like I've said before, I don't think dissipation is a completely real anymore. I think what happens is a dormancy. But going dormant until the body dies is still a death in its own way, isn't it?

In any case, I think I had a lot more reckless tendencies towards the beginning, and have grown more mature over the past months, and for the most part, I don't think either of us are scared of this anymore.

There was an incident a couple months ago that scared me, though. We were in the Wonderland, and just holding each other and staring into each other's eyes, loving each other, and feeling the love from each other. And it was just... overwhelming, like we were being consumed by this intense, pure love.

And then my love kind of crashed. I couldn't feel it anymore, and started panicking, asking myself why I loved him, and if any of it was real or if I was forced into it somehow. Like, I could come up with all the logical things that had led me to love him, but I couldn't feel it anymore.

He was surprisingly calm through the whole thing. Like, he recognized that my lack of feeling towards him wasn't real or normal, and did his best to calm me down. He ended up letting me switch in for a minute just to see what would happen, and then I felt everything again.

I was freaked out for a while afterwards, and it brought back old fears of what if I changed for reasons I couldn't quite control. It was actually Abby who mentioned the next day when I talked to her about it that maybe our feelings just overloaded the brain. Or, specifically, it overloaded the "back" systems that were running my emotions, so I just sort of needed a jumpstart.

(Our current hypothesis is the that the brain has a limited capacity for how much emotion it can run. Front systems are given priority as being necessary for running the body. So when capacity is reached, it shuts down the "back" systems temporarily, that in singlets would presumably just be used for empathy. The obvious comparison would be a breaker being blown from having too many appliances running.)

In hindsight, I know this was just another case of the brain being weird. But at the time, I was scared that it could be something permanent. Like, what if my love just completely disappeared, and I couldn't get it back, and just ended up unfeeling forever? It was scary.

[Host: Soph has changed a lot, but it's always been for the better. I can't imagine her changing into a person I don't love, or that I'm not proud of. When this started, I think I saw her more as something rather than someone. Not an object, but not a person either. More like a foreign entity. So there was a bit of othering that made me worry about her changing into something bad. But I have a hard time imagining that anymore. She's just a person to me now. A person who lives in my brain, acts as my biggest cheeleader, and needs me to hold her whenever she gets overwhelmed. She's not perfect, but I don't expect her to be, and that's part of why I see her as person.

And no, dissipation isn't an option, and never has been to me. I could never bring myself to do anything to hurt my Angel.]

[stellaluna33]

I’ve been thinking about the day Jess meets Rory lately and I’m trying to guess what made him accept he had fallen for her so quickly. I’m not really a “it was love at first sight” enthusiast but that’s only because I can’t stand insta love tropes where both characters are completely into each other 2 seconds after they meet, which is clearly not the case with Literati. (I can relate to meeting someone and developing an instant crush, and then getting to know that person and falling for them, I think this is a different kind of trope, and one I do like.) But about Jess, what I mean is, he had just been shipped to this town against his wishes, it’s interesting to me that he opens up to that feeling so “easily”. We also know he wasn’t very good at ‘connecting’ to people either way, so, do you think he used to be like that when he had a crush or was it something that happened exclusively when he met Rory? I’m so curious to know how he felt in that moment, you know? And after. I wonder if Rory was very different from girls that he fell for before. Not in the “she’s not like others girls” sense but really, if it surprised him to feel that way or if he didn’t think much about what was happening, if he was just glad he met her and now that town didn’t seem that awful anymore. I’m rereading what I wrote and I think I didn’t explain at all what I mean, but I love your meta takes and I wanna know what do you imagine that happened inside Jess Mariano’s brain/heart that night, so I’m gonna send the ask anyway.🥰

Thank you so much for asking! 😊. This is a tricky one, and one that I often wonder about as well, honestly. Like you, I'm not always fond of "love at first sight" scenarios in fiction, unless it's done really well, and most of the time I just can't buy it. At the same time, though, I'm really fascinated by the concept, especially because it apparently does happen occasionally in real life. I've always loved hearing real-life couples' "love stories," especially if they've been together a long time, and I've heard multiple accounts of it happening. Even more than that, my own father always said that that's how it was when he met my mother. And the way he described it (as well as the other people who had similar experiences) was that he saw her, and he just... knew. He didn't know anything about her yet, but he was just struck with this unshakable feeling that "She's the one." Weird, huh? It seems to happen sometimes, and I don't understand it, but it seems to go beyond logic. Was this how it was for Jess? I'm not sure. We know that even before he "met" Rory, he was struck enough by her photo on the mantle that he did a double take and went to pick it up. My husband (who is not known for picking up on signals of romantic interest, bless him!) when we watched that episode could tell right away that he liked her, because it was the first time Jess actually moved closer to someone after greeting them. He had never done that before. If he felt it then, I would imagine that seeing her bookshelf only heightened that feeling (There's something almost "Edenic" about that sense of recognition of kinship, isn't there?- "This now is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh!"). Did he recognize the full weight of it yet, though? I don't know. And it also seems to me that, even if he was feeling it, he was still struggling to "process it" at that point. I mean, despite the way he immediately tried to sneak her out the window with him, the way he looks at her seems just as wary and on-edge as it does transfixed! He's carefully watching her the way a wild animal eyes a person trying to befriend it: wondering if it's safe to come closer, but muscles tensed to immediately flee if necessary. I think he was feeling a lot of things, but had no idea what to do with it. I think the whole "Dodger" exchange really clinched it, though.

As far as if he'd ever fallen hard for anyone before, I really don't know. We really have almost nothing about his life before Stars Hollow, besides (troubling) bits and pieces of his life with Liz. I wouldn't count it out, though. I think he obviously feels much more deeply than he'd like people to believe. There are intriguing possibilities in his use of the plural "the girls that I like don't give a damn about me" (though, not necessarily). I think how he felt for Rory was the first time he'd felt THIS strongly though. A person (especially a person like Jess) wouldn't speak of "knowing" with such conviction if they'd been wrong about it in the past, I don't think. That has a way of making one more skeptical in the future (and THAT I know from my own experience, haha).