#(im so tired so sad so frustrated......................)
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I'm having a bad mood today
Would you draw my blorbo for me please?
#If you have time/energy/willing for that though. No pressure#Im sad and annoyed bc i couldn't get my blood tasted today#They only signed me up for an appointment in a month#And its already been so long since i try to figure out what is wrong with me bc my stomach doesn't work as it supposed to#I'm tired and hurt and all this is very discouraging#Mom tells me to go to the private lab to get my tests done faster but it costs money and we haven't been having much of those#She says that my health is more important and she's right but i just feel so bad and guilty for spending money on myself#When it is possible to get free medical treatment#But URGHHH the free one is sooo looong#And the problem is also that bc im an immigrant here i often don't understand how the system works here and i do mistakes#Like today I came to the hospital thinking i can get my blood tested right away with my doctors prescription in my hand#But no i only got it registered and got an appointment on 17 of December#Fucking urghhh#Im just tired and frustrated that's all#Anyway#Wanna draw buba for me? 👉👈🥺
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2024 ITALIAN GP : P7
GR: Really quite disappointed, because so much hard work goes into all of these weekends, for it to go away so quick.
#george russell#f1#italian gp 2024#*m#24#ita24#monza#(im so tired so sad so frustrated......................)
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Played Elden Ring for way too long tonight, but after beating about 6 bosses, I think I've finally proven to myself that I can play the game---
#spazzcat barks#elden ring#finished a really sad quest about a man and his daughter who he forsook for duty#then i kicked his ass and stole his halberd#the desire to write elden ring fanfic grows ever stronger#beat a few of the bosses on my first try which was awesome :3#current least favorite enemies are the night rider guys#the dudes on the black shrouded horses that only spawn at night??#maybe im just bad at horseback combat but i was so tired of that idiot kicking me off my horse#i struggled with them more than i struggled with the Tree Sentinel#the big golden horseback guy in the starting area#the night riders are a lot more agile and evasive and fight a lot more like the player does#[eg running in real quick and hitting and running away again]#incredibly frustrating dudes#anyway roommate has been laughing at me while i play lol#just long periods of silence followed by a whispered 'ah. fuq.' when i die#and occasionally long periods of silence followed by 'no dont do it dont do it dont-- ah.'#or the highlight of the evening#when i died to the crucible knight for the 10th time#a long scream followed by a whispered 'awh. but i want your stuff :(.“
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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Los malos amores te enseñan a amar.
Los buenos amores te enseñan a amarte a ti mismo.
#escritos#notas#citas#frases#desamor#sad poem#poetry#amor#poesía#pensamientos#letras#letras tristes#recuerdos#aun te pienso#im just so fucking tired#im just so fucking frustrated
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Magenta 😟
#I've had cognitive impairment from covid before but not to where i feel intellectually dumb when i write#my college papers and my writing projects dont sound like “me” as of late#its very bare bones and doesn't have the descriptiveness or humanity i normally give#like i see the scenes or what i want to say in my head#but what i type aint matching up#and yeah i naturally get into slumps like that but this is like that slump x 9000#I'm kinda scared this round might've given me brain damage#havent been feeling all the way like myself#but i also know too that covid takes a while to heal from and of course theres long covid shit which ive dealt with before#im just frustrated guys#i feel like within the last 3 to 4 months i finally healed from my last bout of rona#and i get it again and im back to square one#i just want to write and feel okay with it and not feel so stuck just trying to come up with a basic sentence#seriously even writing basic shit is hard right now#it took me a week to get 5 pages on duality#and im used to churning out at least 10 pages on my projects at minimum every couple days to a week#man give me chronic pain anyday but don't take away my mind and the freedom that comes with that#sorry guys im feeling sad#i know i gotta give myself time but im impatient#i hate how right before i caught covid again i was gonna get my flu shot and an updated covid vax#wish i could've avoided this crud#having weird chest shit too#was a heart thing now its gerd now its potentially back to a heart thing#im tired#i need a hug#i love you 🫂💙#magenta is my vent word
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When nobody listens and believes me anymore:
#confessions#im tired#sadgirl#sad thoughts#female rage#break up#aesthetic#spotify#fuck you#hell is a teenage girl#suic1de#im done#im not okay#im crying#sobbing#poor baby#im so fucking tired#im so fat#im so frustrated#i hate my body#i hate this
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so heres the gist of it
im unemployed
that should be the end of it lmao. unfortunately its not
on top of that, i live in one of the cheapest single bedroom apartments in the entire city. and yet according to new rulings that started this spring, im paying 12 euros too much for rent to be considered for the full amount of financial help that i should be able to get to help pay for it, which delays my paperwork every single time i apply for this benefit (thats high key crucial for my survival as, again, im unemployed as fuck) and they keep insisting i need to look for a cheaper apartment (which is impossible, there literally isnt any in this whole city and if there is, they are so sought after at this point people nab them immediately so...) or i might lose most of those benefits in the future. so thats fun
but i cant move cause i cant afford a more expensive place cause 1. im still unemployed as fuck and 2. they wouldnt approve of my paperwork cause even higher rent would be against their rules and the cost limit they are enforcing so...
ive been trying to get a job for a well over a year and a half now. nobody is hiring even tho a lot of people are looking. it always comes down to either being in a location i cant get to (cause its too far and i dont have a car or the hours are so inconsistent i cant make it without a car, usually) or just not being good enough with my skillset or whatever the fuck. it always goes to someone else and its been like that for months now so.. yeah, im kinda stuck with that too
HOWEVER the city has decided to add another fucking wrench into my entire situation since remember, im 1. unemployed as fuck, 2. i dont own a car, or even have a license for that matter, to move around everywhere, and 3. the government is actively trying to get me to move into a cheaper apartment that simply does not exist in this city ffs or they might cut my benefits or at least delay all my payments with taking ages with the added paperwork cause of that :)
so now? they have completely destroyed the bus schedules to my part of the city. nothing moves in or out of here past half six on the evening on weekdays anymore. even worse, on weekends nothing goes past two in the afternoon. which is.. ridiculous. that means that if you work evening shifts, tough shit youre not getting home unless you bike or walk (which isnt exactly a valid option with winter coming soon and lasting for like 75% of the year lmao), youre not getting to morning shifts if they start at 7am cause nothing moves from here before that, god speed if you work on the weekends cause youre really not moving from here or to here almost at all since the schedules were already horrendous and now theyve cut at least three or four drives from that sssssooooooooo
basically what this means is that it cuts my possibilities for jobs i can apply and accept a RIDICULOUS amount. any normal retail job would ask you to be able to work both morning, day and evening shifts; i literally cant do two of those anymore which ofc limits my chances dramatically as someone they would consider hiring. work on weekends? yeah i was already on the fence for it since my saturdays are usually hangout days but i was willing to make sacrifices but knowing i wouldnt be able to work past half two? yeah again, limits my chances so much on being hired
which means. im already struggling to get a job. now with this new schedule they are limiting me so much more on what i can go for and what i can be hired for so i can actually cover any shifts on anything ever. which in turn means im not gonna have that money i need to pay for a bigger apartment. which means im not gonna be able to move. which means im stuck with these schedules. which means im limited in what jobs i can apply and get even considered to be hired for. which means....
you see the issue? you know why im fucking upset and mad and angry and sad and i actually had a screaming crying fit last night cause i cant fucking handle this shit and how inconsidered this whole fucking thing is to literally everyone?? the people who changed the bus scheduling said its cause of the lack of customers (which isnt even true and they compared summer numbers to winter numbers which fucking LMAO ofc people use the busses less during the summer when they can bike or scoot about so much easier. and most of them are not even in town anyways for their vacations so) but also its important to note that i live in the part of town where theres a lot of families and old people and the lack of cars and kids moving around here from school to back is actually very big and yet. YET
im just.. sorry. i needed to get this out. cause its utterly ridiculous and im now stuck in this fucking cycle and i dont know what to do. im gonna send an application for any potential open apartments to the firm i rent from right now since they cover the entire city and have basically the cheapest places here so that maybe i can get something offered to me if anything frees within the next year or so. apart from that i have no idea what to do. i have no desire or money to get a license, let alone a whole ass fucking car, i get anxiety just thinking about driving. im just stuck here, in this goddamn loop that just somehow got worse as i discovered this whole bus scheduling issue last night. and i really dont know how to break it with how these things are all affecting each other
i left the city some feedback about this and got my friends to do it too since we are all fucking mad about this but.. unless they get a noticeable amount of it, i doubt they'll be doing anything about it, or at least not very fast so. im just stuck and im fucked and im upset and im angry and i needed to get this out im sorry if you read this whole thing im just. im going to fucking explode
#if only getting remote jobs would be easy. or i had the skill sets for them#idk sorry i had to get this out im so frustrated and angry about this whole thing#my life is difficult enough with how fucked up im in the head i dont need more external shit from others to ruin it even more#im so fucking tired and dont know what to do#it doesnt help that im just gonna be sad and upset this entire upcoming week for all in and related stuff so. ugh#i might just take the whole week off and rot in my bed instead. idk. im so fucking tired#night is an absolute mess on main
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sorry i havent been very active lately I've been having a real shit couple days idk why
#ive been like right on the verge of a breakdown all day today#and i can feel it coming. the tears are IN my eyes.#it's just. everything is so hard.#it can't be this hard all the time for everyone right?#because if it is and everyone is just being normal and doing fine and coping and being an adult about it#then that makes me a failure.#and i dont know what im supposed to do with that.#its also so fucking hard to see something you might want for yourself#and be inundated with the weight of all the barriers#and all the ways that you'll never get there#all the reasons it wont work. everything just feels so difficult#like EVERYTHING everything everything is minimum 10 steps and it never fucking ends#idk why im feeling so bad like ive been taking my medicine ive been trying really hard to eat and drink and take them#like no matter what i do im always in pain and tired and sad and frustrated#and it never fucking stops#anyway sorry#venting#vent post
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i do understand the financial reasoning of changing the streaming platforms for pwhl but im v sad bc what couldve been a v simple set up for my gf (watching in italy) and me (in canada) will probably just be unpleasant and :(
#its not deep im just sad bc we had so much delight watching and rewatching streams last year :(#maybe im just tired of the issue of sports streaming writ large#as some ppl mentioned -- it was maybe ok when it was one but i genuinely dont wanna deal w three! its annoying and frustrating as a consumer#and it shouldnt be!!!! 🙄
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I miss him chat
#terii.txt#hate it. cutie thats in my head 24/7. i miss him#if i wasn't so sad id be shitting so much art of him rn....#i am having a bit of an art style frustration moment too#like i doodle him a lot but i hate most of it so i dont really post it#ugh#sad sad sad#girl when pokemas showed the select scout for him and rika i was like damn this game hate me !!!#i aint ever whaling for a gacha game there are more important things in this world#im still playin pkmn ruby and im too tired to figure out the switch emulator rn#soon tho... udgdndhdhdd god i miss him so bad i need to run circles around him in swsh.... my baby....
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...
#thinking about death again bc my dad texted an update on my mum#apparently she got a blood transfusion and threw up. thrilling stuff. but it just nudges at my head#bc it just makes me think. when shes gone its going to leave a trace. the outline of a person#i dont kno why i find that so upsetting. i just think about all the half completed scrapbooks that will whither away in my sisters old room#and it makes me cry. shell leave behind her incomplete scrapbooks. half tumbled rocks. containers of sea glass and lucky stones. digital#conversation thatll never be responded to. shoes and clothes#and memories. evidence of of a life no longer there to live it#and it just makes me sad i guess. i dunno. theres something sad about a project that will never be finished#a project doomed to be forgotten because it was only ever in the care of one person#but thats how it goes. what is is. nothing to be done about it but feel that sadness#i dunno. my head is full of static and frustration for unrelated reasons#but death pokes at my head during the day and i lose my already unsteady focus in an effort not to cry#im tired and sad and wishing my medication was working better#shes not even dead yet. im pulling a roman r0y and pre grieving. except for reals#unrelated
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not doing well tonight folks! but yet we persist 💪
#chemi chats#tried to draw today and it felt awful. all my brushes felt wrong and anything i tried to draw felt shit. so i stopped that.#art's not going. writing's barely going. everything seems to just make me feel sad.#tried listening to music. and reading skills fics. and playing some games. and eating and drinking water but im still not feeling good.#feelin really tired and restless and frustrated and annoying. rsd calm down nothing's even happening dude. chill.#just. not feeling great and i don't know why... oh well. we persist!! we keep going!! it's gonna be okay eventually 💪✨#(<- funny silly emojis) i think i'll eat an orange and then maybe sleep? or write some more? idk creative endeavors seem like a wash :/!#alas :l#edit: oh shit hello the furies i will listen to your cool songs and answer your ask soon <3
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I feel so fucking lonely, no even playing videogames make me happy!
I feel like shit... and idk what do, or should i just go to sleep?!?!
My dreams are making me cry! Fuck this life so much
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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while
#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress#and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that#but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min#and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble#sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day#and will be having them every day until at least august!
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me having a nice, deep conversation about our problems with them while knowing fully well they will never change their behaviour to help me and the situation will still be the same:
#sadly this could apply to so many situations in my life...#im so tired#its been 4 years and there hasn't been any real progress... only empty promises#i feel miserable 😂#they can't always have an excuse#yk?#you have to do something someday yk#ugh#im so sad#and angry and frustrated#im not even disappointed anymore#I'm being so silly lol 😝#ok i'll shut up now#vent post#personal#idk how to tag this
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