#(i've decided that so much has happened in such a short amount of time and there's /so/ many things eating at him-)

[magnusmodig]

rough childhood headcanon qs / @clxscdeyes / no longer accepting !

╰┈➤ 7 . how old was your muse when they realized they had childhood trauma?

||. one whole "today years old" post!ragnarok and hela's reveal. Except, even then, according to the movie, not really because Thor is still in heavy denial about all of it where Odin is concerned. I've spoken a bit (here) about how Thor adores his family; he idolizes them and views them through blinding rose-colored glasses, (especially when they're deceased) and that is especially true of his circumstances.

So, very often times when the truth clashes with the rose-colored view of them (namely: his father), Thor does one of two things: find a way to justify the words or action with the surrounding context of the time to make it make sense (e.g., well he scolded me harshly because i was talking back), or avoid it altogether. (this is his go-to. no talking about it; thor would rather not right now, so he does not.)

Key example being: he would rather focus on how his father changed his ways, and the Odin that he knew and grew up with was a man who had turned away from pursuing war for war's sake, and was instead one who valued peace and life. He would rather focus on that aspect of Odin, and take in the broader picture of Odin's life. REGARDLESS of the fact that what Thor is deeply, personally affected - not with the realization that Odin changed his ways once upon a time - but by the fact that he lied to him, manipulated him, and controlled and shaped every aspect of his being, for Thor's whole life, JUST to avoid another Hela. Someone who Thor is not, could not be farther from, and never knew about, because Odin (apparently) kept the matter of his true first-born a closely-guarded secret and seemingly would have continued to were it not for Odin's death, Hela's escape, and Ragnarok all coinciding at the same moment in time. And this, all because Thor rationalizes it as "well, I wouldn't want to be remembered and judged based on the person that I used to be. I should extend that same kindness to my father, because he too, changed." (x10 because now Odin is dead. And it's in poor-taste to speak ill of a dead man.)

The problem namely being: Thor only talks about things when Thor decides it's time to talk about things ; when he is ready. ...but as this is a topic that ripple effects down to Thor's core, good luck getting him to open up about it, even just with himself.

[brehaaorgana]

ADHD money/budgeting system I'm currently using for my benefit is going well (I've been using it for like half a year now?), and I wanna recommend it.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT. 10/10 do recommend. Uhhh rambling about it and my generic disclaimers + gushing extensively under the cut but TL;DR I think it's great for ADHD ppl, I've used it for 6+ months now and I find it super SUPER helpful. also weirdly fun.

DISCLAIMERS:

Budgeting helps you understand/know your money, it can't make money appear where there is none.

Everyone should learn to budget even if you don't have much money (especially then)

This is NOT a magic trick solution. Just like everything else, it is an assistive tool. This is one of those adult things we can't simply opt out of without negative consequences, though.

My advice is based on something I am currently able to do. That is, I can spend an amount of money on this specific thing that works well for me. If you have no extra money to spend then previously I was tracking things in a notebook. So you can still do this.

I believe Dave Ramsey is a fundie fraud/hack and no one should listen to him about money.

DID YOU KNOW THEY CANCELLED MINT???

Okay? OKAY.

Ahem.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT.

It is called YNAB for short. The first 34 days are your free trial, and that is my referral link. If anyone uses it and then signs up for a subscription, we both get a month free. Also you can share a subscription with up to six people (account owner can see everything but individuals can pick and choose what they share amongst each other) so like...idk your whole polycule can be on one account. Or your kids. Whatever.

If you are a student, it's free for a year. If you aren't, a subscription is $99 for a year (paid all at once) or $14.99 monthly, which is equivalent to paying Amazon prime. Go cancel Prime and get this instead tbh.

They got a whole article just on ynab and ADHD. They also have like...a big variety of ways to access their info? They have a book, podcast episodes, YouTube videos, blog posts, q&A's, free live workshops you can join (you can request live captioning), emails they can send (if you want) a wiki, and so on. They got workshops on all kinds of topics!!

So whatever ends up working for your brain. It also has a matching app.

If you lost Mint this year they have a gajillion things for moving from Mint.

Also they have a "got five minutes?" Page which has a slider so you can decide how much attention/time you have before going on lol:

They only have 4 rules of the budget, they're simple and practical, and it doesn't get judgey or like...mean about your spending.

1. Give every dollar a job 2. Embrace your true expenses 3. Roll with the punches 4. Age your money.

THEN THEY BREAK THESE DOWN INTO SMALL STEPS FOR YOU! They even have a printable! Also these rules are great because there's built in expectations that things WILL HAPPEN and it's NOT all or nothing with a fear of total collapse into failure. Reality and The Plan don't always align, especially if you have ADHD. So it's directing our energy towards the true expenses and not clinging to The Plan!! over reality.

You can automate a lot of shit (you can sync with your bank accounts just like mint, but also automate tagging the categories of regular expenses/transactions). And if for whatever reason you accidentally do something that makes the budget look weird or wrong:

A) you can usually fix it somehow OR b) they have like, a button you can press that gives you a clean slate and archives the previous version of the budget for you.

So if you forget for a few weeks or months, or accidentally input something wildly wrong, or just don't want to look at a really terrible month anymore and feel like you need a fresh start you can usually either fix it or start fresh which is really nice.

The app also (for whatever reason) scratches my itch to have things like...have incentives or little game-like goals in a way mint never did? I don't know why. Filling up the bars or putting money into the categories to cover my expenses is satisfying lmao. You can also make a big wish expense category for all the fun shit you want, and fund it whenever you can and then you can see the little bar go up and that's fun.

Anyways I've been using it for like 6+ months now and I think it's really helped me when I use it.

[venerawrites]

Ooh my goodness I saw your post about Sasuke bringing back his S/O from the dead and the brainrot worms just immediately clocked in 😵‍💫 Please please give us a short fic about it! Specifically with the side effects//struggles of bringing someone back from the dead like memory loss, struggle to speak bc of either the previously mentioned memory loss or simple damage to their vocal cords (Ooor I mean, if you wanna go deep into angst bringing out the fact cognitive abilities being damaged at least for a while and the amount of pain they'd feel so they're dependent on him is also fair game)

Another fact that is just VERY angst filled is if they're brought back against their will but unless Sasuke let them go they're stuck there forever

I'll leave it up to you to decide how you wanna go about it though! thank u for your absolute god-like work as always! muah! 😚

author's note: Our brainrot worms must be in sync because the moment I saw your request, this fic basically 'wrote itself'! Thank you so much for the idea and I really hope I did your request justice! <3 <3

warnings: Sasuke is a bit yandere and maybe ooc, but isn't he always? ; death; revival; blood

Wanna know a secret?

People used to say that there was a never chance for me. That with everything that happened - the massacre, the lies, the hatred - I was always bound to become a monster. Poor little boy that witnessed the slaughter of his own family and spend years chasing the shadow of his brother, while slowly drowning in his own self-pity and anger.

But the truth is that it wasn't Itachi or Konoha that made me that way.

It was you.

You, who broke through the walls I've been building for years, leaving me raw and exposed. You, who believed that I could've been... should've been different. You gave me hope, you made me believe that maybe, just maybe, there is a chance for me.

For us.

And suddenly you left me. All alone, like I always have been.

I know you are not going to like what I am about to do. If you were here, you would tell me that this isn't the way. That I am not the person I was before that I am making a mistake by trying to bring you back. You would look at me with those innocent eyes of yours, before lacing your fingers with mine and tell me that I have to let you go.

But you are not here, are you?

Not yet, at least.

And you know I can't let you go. Not now, not ever.

If the cost of having you in my arms again is my soul, I would pay it. If it means burning the world and the heavens, then so be it. I will destroy it all - time, death and everything that separates us - till nothing remains but you and me.

. . .

i.

"-Edu Tensei is the only way-"

The cold edge of Sasuke's blade pressing against his throat was enough of unspoken warning for the white-haired male to know this was not the right answer to the demand he had just received. Closing his eyes, he tried to steady his breathing without letting his composure crack.

This was far from the first time he found himself on the receiving end of Sasuke's anger. Yet this time it felt... different.

Kabuto has spend enough years with the Uchiha to understand how he worked. Despite his cold and stoic demeanor, he had always possessed a dangerously short fuse. The slightest provocation, especially if it was connected to his past, was enough to ignite an inferno of rage. The Yakushi man has observed his evolution firsthand - from a grumpy boy hungry for revenge to a deadly shinobi, who kept swinging back and forth on the edge of his crumbling sanity.

The ninja that stood before him was a version of Sasuke that he has never seen before. There was no fire behind his gaze, only empty, glowing voids, so cold that Kabuto couldn't help but feel a shiver run down his spine. Unlike the last time he saw him during the war, he looked cold, calculated and controlled.

Too controlled for the white-haired man's liking.

"Sasuke, you have to understand there are limits-"

"I understand more than you think", Sasuke interrupted, his right eye glowing with the Sharingan, while his left one remained hidden, "If Edo Tensei is your only answer, then I have no use of you. You are wasting my time."

The blade was lifted only for a second from Kabuto's throat before it flew toward his Adam's apple. He felt the cold tip slicing his skin, a few drops of warm crimson red blood falling on the floor.

"Wait!", Kabuto blurted out, his head falling back against the wall in a desperate attempt to create some distance between his body and the sword.

Sasuke's hand immediately stopped, but the cold metal did not move away from the cut it has created. Instead, it stayed in place, getting painted in red, while Sasuke his head in a silent command for Kabuto to speak.

"There may be another way...", the Yakushi gulped, his voice barely above a whisper. The Uchiha leaned forward, his only visible eye narrowing just the slightest as he studied the older man's face.

Looking at him almost two years after their last battle, Sasuke felt the bitter taste of anger and desperation mixing in his mouth. How could Kabuto, of all people, be the only person who could help him bring you back? The idea of having his sleazy hands touching your body, experimenting on it... The mere image of him being close to you made him naseous.

Yet he was the one who came here and demanded help. Much to his displeasure, he had no one else to turn to. Orochimaru had left the village, but even if he was here, it was the case that his student has surpassed him long time ago.

"I am giving you ten seconds to explain, before I slash your throat and hang you on this wall to bleed out."

The threat was clear and final, making Kabuto nod his head in a weak agreement. Once the blade was removed from his throat, his fingers immediately moved to touch the cut from which there were still dripping red drops. He pressed his hand against his neck in an attempt to stop the bleeding, while his mind rushed through different possibilities of how to handle the situation.

On one hand, just like Sasuke, he was pardoned for his crimes and was given a second chance to rebuild his life in Konoha. He was a carer in the local orphanage and for the first time since he could remember, he felt somewhat... satisfied. It wasn't his dream job, but it was a job and it was the first step to clearing his image.

On the other hand, he was wise enough not to underestimate the things an Uchiha is ready to do, especially in the name of love.

"It is not a technique I've ever tried before...", Kabuto finally said, his fingers tightening around his throat, "It is a theory I was working on right before the war started. It goes beyond a simple reanimation and unlike Edo Tensei, it does not have any limitation. Once they are back... they will be fully back."

"Fully back...", Sasuke repeated, testing the words on his tongue. The snake-like man in front of him nodded his head, his free hand lifting up to fix the glasses on the tip of his nose.

"With their own will, thoughts and emotions", Kabuto confirmed, one of his eyebrows raising just the slightest, "It will be as if their death never happened. But.."

"But what?", he snapped through gritted teeth. Of course, nothing was ever simple or straightforward with the white-haired shinobi. For all the knowledge and skills he had, he never made anything easy, even when he was serving other people in the past. And while he successfully managed to convince Konoha he has changed, Sasuke had enough experience living and training with him to know the truth.

A snake will always be a snake.

And the mere fact he didn't seem to even try to convince him not to meddle with the world of the dead, was enough of a sigh that his heart remain to be just as dark as it was in the past.

"Like I said, this technique works only in theory", Kabuto said slowly, his gaze moving between the two different eyes of the Uchiha in front of him, "The person that comes back may not... be the one they were before. It may also have consequences not only on them, but on everything and everyone around. Disturbing the natural flow of life like this-"

Sasuke clicked his tongue, his mouth twisting into a displeased frown.

"I didn't come to you to listen to half-hearted warnings and lectures on balance of nature", he snapped impatiently, "Do it or I will find someone else who will - and you know well enough what that means for you."

Almost as if to prove the seriousness behind his threat, the blade pressed itself against Kabuto's throat once again, before moving to the side, successfully cutting a fine line against all four knuckles of the his fingers that were still pressed against his first wound. The man let out a loud hiss, his hand jerking away instinctively.

"I will need time to prepare", he muttered, his jaw clenching in a weak attempt to try and keep his mind away from the stinging pain, "Two days at least."

Sasuke let out a small 'hm' sound, his brain processing the proposed timeline. Every ticking moment without you already felt like a whole eternity passing. Two days was too much, especially since it involved the risk of Kabuto deciding to share his demand with other people. Not that he didn't plan to deal with Konoha soon enough for what they did, but now, for the first time, there was another priority other than revenge - and that was you.

"You have one", he said with finality, before turning around and starting to walk away.

One day. Even for a man who was used to deal with challenging situations and impossible deadlines, this was hard to achieve. Kabuto watched the Uchiha's retreating figure, his chest and head both feeling heavy with the realisation of what he is about to do.

. . .

ii.

From a far, you looked peacefully asleep. The moonlight that managed to find its way into the room was reflecting through the glass that covered your body, pale highlights dancing across your face and chest. Your fingers were crossed on top of your chest and for a second, Kabuto could swear he could see it moving up and down, as if you were breathing.

He blinked once. Then twice. Yet the illusion did not repeat itself.

He made a few cautious steps toward the see-through casket in the centre on the small hall, his eyes narrowing as he got a better view of your body. Your flawless skin, your carefully combed hair, your neat kimono - Sasuke's determination to bring you back the way he remembered you was clear in every detail. Kabuto had no idea how the dark-haired male did it, or even from where he got such precise knowledge about body preservation, but the sight in front of him was a pure imitation of life.

Almost flawless.

"Is that your work?", he quietly asked, his voice ringing with notes of both admiration and wariness. He kept his distance, his eyes scanning every inch of visible skin, searching for any signs of mistakes in the Uchiha's method. There were none. No signs of decomposing, decay or any imperfections. Putting aside the fact that your skin looked paler than it should be, the sight in front of him was a perfect replica of you, completely untouched by time.

Faint footsteps sounded behind him and he turned his head only to see Sasuke approaching the casket from the other side. He didn't pay any attention to Kabuto, as his gaze was focused on you, his lips pressed into a thin line. His eyes traced every line of your peaceful expression, before his only hand lifted and placed itself on top of the cold glass, right above your face. His fingers twitched, slowly dragging themselves down, as if he was trying to reach out and cradle your cheek.

"It is", he finally responded, his voice unusually calm and almost... soft? Kabuto looked at him with unease, before he moved his attention back to you.

If he was scared of Sasuke yesterday when he had his blade pressed against his throat, he was both terrified and baffled now. It was no secret the Uchiha harboured deep feelings for you - he had met you right before the war and since then he always tried his best to keep you away from harm, even during the times he was one of the most wanted criminals by every Hidden Village. You had been his pillar of support and light through the darkest times of his lives - from his pursuit of revenge on his brother to the brutal realisation of all the lies he has been told through the years. Even during the war, his main motivation was not so much to prove himself as capable leader for Konoha, than keep you save.

Ironically, he actually succeeded. He managed to keep you sheltered from all the horrors and blood the ninja world had to offer. Shortly after he was pardoned, he brought you back to his home village, much to the surprise of all of his fellow shinobi. He never introduced you as officially 'his', but everyone knew you were holding a great significance for him. You were not only his save haven, you were everything - his home, his purpose, his future...

All till the day some Leaf ninjas took you away.

It was Sasuke's fault, really. He knew that the past could not be erased, yet he foolishly believed he may be given the chance to start anew. The wounds he had inflicted to both the village and the people there were wide open and despite the years and his actions during the war, they never truly healed. Beneath the surface of the reluctant acceptance he had received by all the villagers, there was mistrust that changed his whole life in just a few seconds.

He remembered the event quite vividly, despite his attempts to erase it from his mind. Every waking moment it haunted him like a nightmare, clutching its claws into his body and soul and refusing to let go...

You laughing in the kitchen, while he watched you with admiration from the kitchen table, his fingers nervously playing with the small ring box in his pocket.

The two shadows which crossed across the wall almost too fast for him to react.

Sounds of broken glass. Table and chairs thrown to the side.

The sound of his name leaving your lips before you threw yourself behind his body, a chocked out gasp leaving your lips once the sword meant for him pierced your chest.

The way his heart stopped inside his chest, his hand moving almost automatically as he brought the last remaining intruder down before he collapsed next to your body.

Your lifeless eyes, who continued to stare at him, a small tear escaping from one corner and landing in his trembling palm.

Kabuto watched as Sasuke shook his head, bringing himself back to reality. The Uchiha casted one last glance to you, before he clenched his jaw and stepped away from the casket. His steps were rushed and urgent, showing his desperation to pull away from the the memory of that day and his failure to keep you safe.

Silence filled the room and for a while the snake-like man could not hear anything but his own breathing. While not one famous for showing sympathy, there was the tiniest spark of pity inside his eyes as he watched the broken man before him. It was then he understood it didn't matter what he said or how much he warned him about the potential risks involved.

Sasuke Uchiha, the man who was always been swaying on the delicate edge between reasonableness and insanity, has officially lost himself to the latter.

All because of you.

"We need a sacrifice", Kabuto finally said, his body moving toward the small table in the corner, where he left his bag earlier, "A life for a life. You did an outstanding job with preserving their body, but again I cannot guarantee what the side effects may be-"

"You will have your sacrifice by the end of the night", Sasuke interrupted, his usual cold and collected composure back in place. Before the white-haired shinobi could say anything else, he was left alone with the chilling feeling of two cold eyes staring right at his back.

. . .

iii.

The first thing you felt was the cold.

Not just in the air around you - it was inside your skin, creeping its way through your veins. The feeling was if you were being chewed alive, yet once you tried to open your mouth, you found unable to move. Your limbs felt heavy, the muscles - unable to respond. Your mind was slowly crawling its way out of the dizziness, yet your body refused to respond.

Then, you heard it - the faint sound of something moving on top of you and then a muffled voice saying something. You tried to focus on it, forcing your senses to sharpen. The words started to sound clearer and clearer till eventually your brain grasped them.

"Open your eyes."

The words echoed around you, ringing inside your head as you tried your best to do as told. The coldness inside of you felt like a heavy anchor which kept pulling you down while you desperately tried to break through the surface. The voice kept repeating the same thing over and over, becoming louder and clearer.

Suddenly, almost as if a bolt of electricity ran through your spine, your body jolted, your chest raising high in the air as you gasped for air. Your lungs felt like they were on fire as they expanded, the painful sensation spreading through your chest as you chocked in the mix of a saliva and cold air.

Something warm pressed against your cheek and it took you a good minute to realise it was someone's hand. Your eyelids, despite still feeling like stones on your face, fluttered open only to be met with a piercing and blinding white light coming from somewhere above you. Everything felt so distant and muted, as if you were waking up from a dream that has lasted all eternity.

The hand on your face moved, its touch gentle as you felt it cupping your jaw. You blinked rapidly against the harsh brightness, the world around you slowly emerging out of blurriness as a face came into focus above you.

A man. Tall, with sharp features and straight black locks reaching his shoulders. Only one of his eyes was visible, black like onyx and staring at you intensively. He had a few days stubble covering his chin and cheeks, while dark bags decorated the area under his eyes.

Who the hell was that?

And why was he looking at you like that?

You tried to open your mouth, but no sound came out as all you could do is let out a quiet gasp. The man's expression shifted slightly, a spark of concern flashing though his tired face. His fingers moved down from your chin, across one of your arms, before taking your hand in his. The longer he remained touching you, the more panicked your attempts to breathe became.

"It's alright", he murmured softly, his dark brows furrowing as he watched you struggle beneath him, "Just focus on breathing. Everything is alright."

Everything, however, was not alright.

Sasuke watched you eyes flicking between him and your surroundings, the feeling of panic evident in the way your chest rose and fell erratically. He could feel your fingers tensing under his while you slowly started to get control of your limbs, achieving nothing more but a few stirs. The expression on your face, however, was what hurt the most - it was one of pure fear and terror, almost like the day they took you away from him.

"Shh, stay calm", he whispered, yet his words seemed to have the opposite effect as he noticed your weak attempt to squirm away. His jaw clenched as he watched you struggling to come back fully to your senses.

Something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong.

Of course, Kabuto has warned him that there will be side effects. That you may be disorientated at first and have problem with moving on your own. He expected you not to remember certain things, like the day you were killed of even some minor events from your life. What he didn't predict, however, was the possibility that you may not remember anything, including him.

His hand withdrew from yours and he casted a fiery glare at Kabuto who was sitting in the corner of the room, rapidly writing something on a piece of paper.

"You said you could bring them FULLY back."

The white-haired ninja did not look up immediately, instead focusing in finishing the report he had started once he saw the first signs of life appearing. In any other event he would probably give more of his energy in addressing the Uchiha's rising anger, however now he felt like he was the one with an advantage. Sasuke may be one of the strongest shinobi alive, but he had nothing on Kabuto's knowledge and skills, especially when it came to the delicate science of reanimation. His experience as the best student of Orochimaru and the man who managed to perfect jutsus like Edu Tensei gave him a dangerous sense of confidence, even in the face of a heartbroken lover who was ready to do anything to bring their soulmate back.

"I did", Kabuto said at last, his voice unusually calm as he attached the pen to the top of the paper before putting it away, "I also told you there will be side effects and you need to be patient. Not that it has ever been your strong suit..."

Sasuke let out a small scoff, his lips curling in disdain as he got to his feet and starting walking toward the other man. The urge to trap him in a genjutsu and force him to experience every single horror he had ever inflicted on other people was growing like a wildfire inside of his chest. Perhaps it was even a fitting punishment for a monster like him, way more deserving to be trapped in a cycle of his own sins than allowed to live peacefully working in an orphanage.

The Uchiha stopped a mere foot from the desk, his fist clenching by his side in an attempt to stop himself for reaching out and doing something he may regret later.

"Fix it."

Kabuto lazily lifted his eyes, one if his eyebrows rising slightly above his glasses.

"Fix it?", he repeated unimpressed, "You speak as if I am a handyman fixing an object. This is a human we are speaking about--"

The words seemed to strike a cord and Sasuke's hand shot forward, slamming onto the desk right next to Kabuto's head. His breathing was sharp and uneven, his anger radiating from every fiber of his being.

"You don't get to act all high and mighty, Kabuto. We have been knowing each other a little too long and a little too well for you to pretend that you can actually consider a person as anything other than an experiment."

Kabuto froze, his eyes instinctively shifting toward you and meeting your gaze. From where you were laying, the scene looked almost like a distorted dream. You heard voices, yet you couldn't understand what were they saying. The fear continued to run inside your veins like a paralyzing venom, leaving you completely helpless in the company of these two unknown men.

The truth was that Kabuto did not care about Sasuke. In fact, given everything he has done, it served him more than right to lose you and rot in guilt and grief all his life. But Kabuto had to agree that he had a right - maybe he was not the best person to be giving him a lecture of the difference between an 'object' and a 'human'. After all, in his eyes they were all the same.

But not you.

You were special. Different. You were not just a mere experiment, far from it actually. You were the culmination of everything he had worked for, the result of years spend in studying, experimenting, theorizing and manipulating. You were the proof he achieved what every great scientist had longed for - a way to cheat death. Completely.

Of course, he wouldn't leave the job half done. Not when he was so close to perfecting his greatest achievement. In his mind, he couldn't even think of the last time he felt so excited and so... alive. Whatever reservations he had because of Sasuke or his recent pardon by Konoha were now forgotten. Instead, all he could see was you. Breathing, blinking, looking around. Your existence defied nature and he felt a strange satisfaction knowing he had achieved what everyone else, even Orochimaru, deemed impossible. It was all way too different from any type of reanimation he tried before.

"The connection between their body and soul is still fragile", Kabuto finally muttered, his golden eyes still locked with yours. Slowly, he stood up from his seat, moving around the dark-haired Uchiha as he approached you. His steps were quiet and measured, as if he was trying not to scare you even more. Tilting his head to the side, he found himself in a strange trance.

"It's a delicate balance, the one of life and death. It can easily tip, especially when one lack patience and appreciation of this beautiful process. I told you this is not just attaching a soul to a vessel, it's about understanding and repairing the bond that connects them. It's about creating a..."

He knelt beside you, his face just centimeters from yours. Edu Tensei has always given these void and empty black eyes to the subjects it revived, an ugly imperfection that reminded that they were not truly alive. But yours... They were just like they were supposed to be when you were alive. Despite being unfocused, there was a spark of life in them.

"... miracle."

As Kabuto finished his sentence he reached out to touch your face, before his wrist was harshly grabbed by Sasuke.

"Don't touch them!"

The air in the room seemed to suddenly grow tenser as you watched the two men hovering above you. Any trace of softness that Kabuto's expression held till now disappeared as he furrowed his brows, his snake-like gaze turning toward Sasuke.

"I fear your demand may be unreasonable, Uchiha. I can't help them, if I am- "

"Your job is to figure out a way to fix your failure and finish the job I asked you to do", Sasuke interrupted impatiently, his grip tightening, "You can do that from your desk."

Kabuto tilted his head, his jaw clenching as he held his ground in the little staring contest he found himself in. After a minute, he roughly pulled his hand, before taking a step back.

"Very well then."

Without another word, he returned to his desk and started to gather the scattered tools he had left in a disarray earlier. He could feel two pairs of eyes burning at the back of his neck, but he refused to acknowledge any of them.

'Such a strong body, yet such a foolish mind', he thought as he put everything in one corner and then simply turned around toward the door. Once again, Sasuke has proved himself incapable of understanding, let alone appreciating, the power of science and what one can achieve with it. Instead he remained a big strong brute, driven by impulse and incapable to open his mind to all the wonders in his world.

As he stepped out of the room, Kabuto glanced back one last time over his shoulder, his golden eyes focusing on yours. He gave you a small smile, almost a friendly one, before shutting the door behind him.

. . .

iv.

The following weeks were like an eternal nightmare, from which neither of you could wake up.

Every day blended into the next, leaving nothing behind by growing frustration and thinning remains of patience. Time felt frozen in this place, as if all three of you were trapped in a constant loop.

For you, the world was a blur - everything was new, yet somewhat familiar. Even the small things, such as walking or playing with your hands, felt foreign and out of place. It was almost like you got into a foreign body and you were left with no choice but to learn how to work with it. It took a full week for you to gain full control over your body, but when you did, it still felt like an insignificant progress.

And what if you could walk, run and do everything you were doing before when your mind remained a dark fog with no clear direction or sense of self? Fractured images kept flashing before your eyes every now and again, leaving you more and more confused. Some felt like memories - stuff that actually has happened once upon a time - but some felt like nothing more than a dream your brain has created in attempt to escape the boringness.

On the other hand, Sasuke was always around. He slept in one room with you, he took you out so you can breathe some fresh air during the day, he brought you food, books and random trinkets to entertain yourself. He rarely kept his distance, and even when he was, you could feel his watchful gaze on the back of your head.

At first, he terrified you. His energy was dark, even sinister in a way. Yet you couldn't help but feel a strange feeling of a familiarity. Sometimes, when you thought he was not looking, you glanced at his profile, studying his face and trying to put the puzzle pieces together of who is he to you. He was a cold man, rarely talking or even responding when you asked him questions, yet he always hovered protectively over you.

And then there was Kabuto. A total opposite of Sasuke.

He was nice - always gently smiling at you, asking if you are okay. There was always a strange softness in his eyes, one that you wouldn't expect from a man with snake-like features like himself. Sometimes he would catch you by yourself and he would make the time to sit down and chat. Most of the time it was about mundane things - the weather, random interesting facts and when he was in a good mood, stories from his past. It took a while for you to be able to reply given your throat burned like an inferno every time you tried to produce any sound during the first week, but slowly you started to respond. At first it was by short words such as "yes", "no" and "do/don't", but soon you started to form full sentences till you relaxed enough to even laugh at some of his silly jokes.

Yet, despite his gentleness and understanding, your inner instinct was screaming at you to be careful. You couldn't tell exactly what, but something with him was ... off. Maybe it was the way his eyes lingered on you too long for your liking or the way his smiling mask quickly shifted into something more sinister when he thought you were not paying attention, but something was making your skin crawl every time he was near you and Sasuke was not.

"What is the relationship between you and Kabuto? Are you... friends?", you asked one night, breaking the peaceful silence that had settle between you and Sasuke. He was sitting on the opposite chair of you, calmly reading a scroll while your attention was focused on the playful dance of the flames in the fireplace.

Sasuke didn't look up immediately, instead using the extra minute to gather his thoughts before he lifted his eyes toward you. His expression remained blank, as it always was around you, but you could see the slightest tension of his shoulder muscles.

"Allies", the answer felt somewhat dishonest as he remained staring at you, "For now."

Picking the strands of the soft rug under your fingers, you searched his face, expecting him to provide a further explanation. Like always, such explanation never came. Instead, his focus returned to the scroll in his hands, his eyes dancing across the piece of paper as he pretended to be very invested in what was written in it.

"But you don't trust him, do you?"

The man snorted at your assumption and you immediately took it as confirmation of what you have suspected. The two have never outright fought in front of you, but there was always a certain tension in the room when both of them were in it. Sasuke always seemed to move closer to you when Kabuto was nearby, his lonely hand resting on the hilt of his sword, ready to react at any given moment.

"Trustworthiness and usefulness usually do not go hand in hand", he said finally, his eyes boring into yours as he started to carefully roll the scroll. You kept your gaze locked with his, unsure what he meant by his answer. It was clear that the the 'usefulness' was somehow connected to you but you still couldn't make a real sense of it. No matter how many times you asked either Sasuke or Kabuto why were you being kept here and why you were subject to so many tests and 'treatments', you were always met with the same answer : "Don't worry about it, it will all come back to you."

"What happens when he is no longer useful?", you asked as you watched him get up from his chair and walk over to the small bed in the corner of the room. While his constant presence around you bothered you at first, you appreciated that he kept some form of distance unlike Kabuto who often was too close to you for your comfort.

For a moment, you thought Sasuke would ignore your question entirely as he just started arranging his blankets and pillow, not showing any interest toward your questioning.

"Then he will be dealt with."

Deep inside you knew that his words should make you feel uncomfortable, worried even. Kabuto has always been kind to you, and it sometimes even felt like he cared for you, in his own strange way. If it wasn't for him, you may still be laying on that cold metal table you woke up on, unable to move or speak.

Yet you couldn't ignore the feeling deep inside your gut that there was a reason for Sasuke's warning. You felt guilty questioning the white-haired male's intentions, but you couldn't shake the feeling he was looking at you as an object opposed to a human. He has been very open to you - he had told you up quite a lot about his own past, including his experiments with people - but instead of appreciating his honesty, you found yourself fearing him. Perhaps this is why you found yourself trying to stay attached to Sasuke's side more often.

Or maybe it was because of these damn flashing images that keep popping in your mind.

Recently they have been coming more and more often. Sometimes they came and went so quickly, it was impossible to catch them. Other times, the lingered, dragging you into a world of unfamiliar faces, places and events. Every time you tried to make sense of them, put them in some kind of order in your mind, they kept blending, creating an even thicker fog of confusion in your head.

You never told Sasuke or Kabuto about it. With so much conflicting emotions and hidden motives, it was hard to tell which one you could trust and which one you could not. One thing you knew for sure - none of the two men were entirely honest. Sasuke, with his cold and collected behaviour, was surely knowing way more than he was letting on about who you were and how did you end up in this labyrinth of broken memories and sense of self. The kind gestures of Kabuto, on the other hand, felt almost disturbing as his eyes followed you like a pray around the hideout.

You were trapped in a rabbit hole of questions, falling deeper and deeper every time a new face or place popped in your mind. The only certainty you had that in this place you had only person you could trust - you. And you had to do everything in your power to get yourself out.

. . .

v.

One moment you were gazing at an old photograph, your brows crunched in confusion, the next one you were on your knees, your hand muffling the loud sobs that threatened to leave your lips.

The image you held in your hands was not one you've seen for the first time. In fact, you have seen it countless of times during your stay here. You have found it accidentally under Sasuke's pillow one day when you were cleaning around the room and while you never asked him about it, you periodically reached out for it, studying it. You were in the middle of it - lips stretched in a wide grin and eyes closed, while a small key was dangling from your pointing finger. Right behind you was Sasuke - his hair just a little bit shorter than now, showing his mismatching eyes who looked directly down at you. His lips were curved into a soft smile, while hand gripped the side of your stomach.

You had reached the conclusion that you and Sasuke were in some form of relationship a long time ago. Were you simply lovers or something more serious? Were you married? Did you had kids? You didn't know, but you were sure the little glances that he threw your way now and the way he was constantly hovering over you was not things a casual boyfriend would do. So it wasn't the image of you two that triggered this intense reaction in you.

It was the window behind you in the photograph.

The small wooden kitchen window, to which you have not paid any mind till now, but now you couldn't look away from it. The same window you were facing while you were putting away the dishes the day you...

died.

Your knees buckled after you as suddenly you were hit with ton of forgotten memories. One after the other, they kept filling your brain with a rapid speed, making you grip your head with both hands in attempt to stop it all.

Inaho Village. Your parents and brother. Bloodshed.

Growing up with your grandma. Healing lessons. Fire.

Sasuke. Sneaking around before the war.

Moving in together after the war. Konoha.

Death.

.

You were supposed to be dead.

The sudden realisation made your head spin and you fell on your bottom, your eyes filling with tears. The memories kept coming, your tears kept flowing and you could swear time froze.

For how long have you been sitting on this cold, bare floor? It may be a minute, it may be an hour. Or even two.

The sound of a door opening caught your attention and you lifted red, puffy eyes only to meet the shocked ones of your lover.

"Sasuke, what have you done?"

cc artwork: Leo Pold

[femmequixotic]

Hello #Femmequixotic, I am a huge fan of your fics, and I've recently finished the 4th part of your Tales from the Special Branch.

Firstly, I'd like to express my admiration and love for your writing and creativity, and after reading your last post here, I hope you currently find yourself in a better place.

Now, I confess that I came here to see when you had last spoken about your work, and was incredibly excited to see that you were working on it, only to see that it has been over a year since.

I understand how life can be unpredictable, and no-one will be upset (although certainly sad) about you abandoning the series, but I came here to simply thank you for your work, and ask if there is any chance of an update (that being new chapters or the definite end to the series).

Regards,

V.

Hi, friend,

I just logged in after a significant amount of time away and saw this and some other lovely messages of support for me from various people. Thank you all so much for your kind words.

To provide an update on why I once again disappeared....well. Life is curiously, frustratingly exasperating sometimes. Just as I got back into writing last year, I started to have some health difficulties that I had to deal with. Long story short, I was rediagnosed with cancer in the spring of 2023. This recent tumor wasn't operable due to its placement, and technically was considered metastatic, so over the past year, I have been going through a very long process of two different types of radiation treatment plus five months of chemotherapy. I still have a very long stretch of immunotherapy ahead of me, and while the tumor seems to have melted away, we're not entirely certain the cancer is gone based on some symptoms I continue to have. My oncology team is awesome, though, and they're doing everything they can to help me.

I'm better than I was a year ago--or even six months ago--so that's positive, and my brain is finally starting to return back to normal from some of the fatigue and fog from treatment and from being ill. I'd like to go back to writing, and I'm feeling more creative as my strength builds back up. I don't want to promise anything, since the last time I did, life decided to immediately throw me a curveball, and to be honest, I'm still wicked tired on my good days, but I hope to complete the story within the next year. That's my plan, at least, so fingers crossed? I've always said I didn't want to abandon it at any point, and I'm determined to keep that promise to you all--and to myself.

So, yeah. That's what's been happening. I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and I'm still writing. Just super slowly, lol.

[o-wyrmlight]

I haven't said anything on here because I've been so focused on what's been happening on Twitter. I spent six or more hours last night just retweeting whatever I could to help raise a ruckus. For anybody who isn't aware of what's been happening:

For the past 75 years, Israel has been doing exactly what the United States of America did to indigenous natives when we first began to claim the territory. They've been pushing Palestinians off of their homeland and claiming the land for themselves. They've been stealing homes and territory that doesn't belong to them, engaging in a quiet genocide.

They control what goes in an out of the border. They control how much food Palestinians are allowed to have access to. They control how much water and electricity Palestinians have access to in a day. They control how many times a year and how far out fishing boats are able to go, and they're relegated to areas where there are no fish. The amount of ships aren't enough to sustain the population. Israel has ensured that Palestinians cannot build bomb shelters by preventing those materials from coming into the country.

On October 7th, 2023, a Gazan organization named Hamas, which is stationed in the Palestinian city of Gaza, decided to retaliate. They did a plethora of horrible things to Israeli people, taking hostages. In response, Israel has begun being more aggressive and upfront in its genocidal attempts to eradicate Palestinians.

This is not an exaggeration. Israel is very upfront about what they want. The official Israeli account has posted what they've done proudly. The first event that made people outside of Palestine aware of what was going on was the bombing of a hospital that Israel boasted of, and then later walked back to claim it was a Hamas base.

There are rules of war to follow. Among them, it is a war crime to attack where people are taking shelter in places of religion and hospitals. Once this information was revealed and made obvious, public outcry for the support of Palestine began to ring out. Apparently it wasn't even the first hospital that Israel had targeted--there were over 10 at the time and more to come in the following days.

Consider that Israel knew they were targeting the hospital and sent out a warning for them to evacuate, and then remind yourself that there were people in the in the hospital who relied on the medical equipment to live. Where were they supposed to go on such short notice? Children and babies were killed. Israel admitted to doing this and then claimed that the hospital was a Hamas base. And soon after, they claimed that it was a misfired rocket by Hamas that hit the hospital. Isn't that so convenient?

Israel has warned a city to travel the road down south in ten hours--on foot, on a hiking trail that takes more than twelve--to reach safety. They promised they would be safe and that Gaza was the only place they were aiming to destroy. Instead, Israel proceeded to bomb and destroy the only safe passage that they were able to get. They weren't safe at all.

In the days to come, Israel would proceed to turn off all electricity and water in Palestine. They would continue to bomb various places under the presumption that they were Hamas bases. Hamas comes from the city of Gaza, so that doesn't explain why several of those places--even hospitals--were much farther south.

Yesterday, they bombed the communication tower that Palestinians have been relying on to communicate with the outside world. As far as I know, they've been dark ever since.

Egyptians have been trying to help. They've been trying to demand the gates to open so that they can send humanitarian aid in. There are people--good people--who don't care if they die for the cause or not. Hardly any humanitarian aid has been able to come in, and Israel has been teasing Egypt, their own weaponry poking at their boarder as a threat. If several missiles cross Egyptian boarders, how is it their fault of they were aiming at a hostile air craft?

Remember how much Israel monitored what comes in and what comes out of Palestine. They control how much electricity and water a day they have. They control their maritime and how far from the coast they're allowed to fish. Do you think that Palestinians are able to build such air crafts?

Egyptians have witnessed the horrors that have been happening from across the sea. The sky was red with fire and alight with bombs. The horizon echoed with the noise and the assault didn't cease. I don't know if it's still going on. I don't know if it ever stopped. But Israel is sending out ground troops now, and who knows how far that went since last night.

Israel calls this a war. Palestinians haven't been able to fight back. They don't have any weapons or a military of their own. Entire families have been wiped off of the face of the earth, numbering probably well over forty by this point. Entire generations are at risk of being killed. This isn't a war. This is a genocide.

Israel claims that Hamas hides behind its civilians for protection, but all Israel is doing is hiding behind Hamas as an excuse to commit ethnic cleansing.

The worst part to me is that world powers who could have done something to prevent this are actively doing nothing. The United States has been providing Israel with the very weapons that they're using to obliterate Palestine off of the face of the map. Britain has outlawed protests speaking up in support of Palestine. And there are a lot of protests. The public opinion knows that this is wrong. Joseph Biden has casted doubt on how many Palestinians have actually died just before the blackout occured.

The warning signs have been here for 75 years, and nobody has done anything about it. And now Palestinians are facing the most brutal evil that mankind is capable of, and nobody who can do anything about it is willing to lift a finger. What's the point of the United Nations to create laws of war that are to be followed if those laws aren't going to be enforced? What kind of message does that send to countries that violate those laws?

That they can get away with it.

This isn't even to touch on the fact that Israel has been paying content creators and companies to speak up in support of Israel. I wouldn't be surprised if they're doing the same with popular celebrities in the United States and elsewhere. I wouldn't be surprised if this is a part of why politicians are refusing to lift a finger to hold Israel accountable for their actions. Israel has always wanted control of the narrative. This isn't the first time, and it won't be the last.

I do want to point out that despite these horrors, it's important to remember that, while Israel has done these horrible things, you shouldn't blame the individual people. Not every single Israeli believes in this genocidal cause, but the system of government that encourages and rewards these behaviors should be held accountable. Israelis who disagree with Israel are very likely at risk of being punished severely if they express their beliefs. It's important to remember that.

Israel will cry antisemitism because they are a Jewish state: Holding them accountable for their actions is not antisemitism. Do not be afraid to do so. I have seen videos of Jewish people in the United States leading mass protests in support of Palestine, calling for a ceasefire in Gaza, for Palestine to be free. Don't blame all Jewish people or Israelites for this horror. Be angry at Israel the government, Israel the politicians, Israel the people who support them rabidly and celebrate the death of millions.

I know for a fact that there are some things I've missed. It's so difficult to tactfully cover everything that's happened over the past couple of weeks. But hopefully this is enough to let those who aren't aware of what's been happening know.

I'm ashamed to be a United States American. And I am angry at the politicians and the people in power who could have voted for a ceasefire and didn't. We are witnessing the evils of humanity at work this month. And yet we are also witnessing the selfless good that humanity is capable of, leading protests to free Palestine and call for a ceasefire, trying their best to raise attention to the people who did nothing. History will remember them as the villains of this story.

It feels like there isn't much you can do. But just knowing and spreading awareness of the situation is enough. It is enough. Israel has hired companies and social media to do their best to stifle talk and conversation about Palestine. YouTube has deleted fifteen years' worth of videos examining the Palestinian occupation and Palestinian culture as a whole. Israel wants Palestine to die in silence and be forgotten.

All you need to know is what is happening. All you need to know is to remember and not forget. All you need to know is acknowledge the Palestinian's generations-long suffering, know that we're living through a genocide, and see how world powers do nothing about it. This is how Adolf Hitler got away with it for so long.

So remember. Keep it in mind. Learn the warning signs. And be sure to remember this when it happens again.

Free Palestine.

[aszles]

since my first pinned post had a tierlist of csm characters, i decided to redo it as a tierlist of Fujimoto works instead! (i had only read csm when i made this sideblog) it's a lot less ever-changing so i feel a bit safer keeping something like this at the top of my blog lol...

within the tiers there is no specific order, they're just the things i happened to put in first. if you wanna make one here's the template! (made by yours truly)

because i'm a nerd you can read my opinions about each work below the cut~

S TIER

Chainsaw Man - i mean, csm is just awesome. in all honesty, this manga has changed my life. i KNOW that sounds silly and corny but it's genuinely true. i have been able to get past a lot of my struggles and develop so much as a person since starting this manga. as a fun bonus i feel like i've finally started improving my art again (or at least changing it enough to feel fresh) after like 3 years. i can't really describe how much csm has done for me, but if i had told myself from 2021 that this would happen i would never believe it (especially because i had written off this series for some personal reasons...lol) but yeah. i think i'll forever be grateful for what Chainsaw Man has done for me.

Look Back - i think Look Back is seriously the best piece of media i have ever experienced. i don't think i have ever seen a story so beautifully crafted as this manga, it made me sob when i read it. i remember having to move the manga away from myself so i wouldn't get tears on it. at the time of writing this i am SO SO excited to watch the movie, whenever that will be. i will cry and throw up watching that thing LOL.

Nayuta of the Prophecy - ok maybe i don't TECHNICALLY believe this is an S tier work, but Nayuta is just such a lovable character that i can't possibly rank her any lower. Fujimoto was right to adapt her into csm because she deserves it!! however despite that, this oneshot is the only one that i genuinely wish he would make a sequel to. i think oneshot Nayuta and csm Nayuta are pretty different, so they still don't feel like the same character - i would love to see oneshot Nayuta's personality and relationship with her brother continue to develop!

A TIER

Sisters - one of the few other works i had heard anything about before i started exploring Fujimoto's other stuff, and i definitely felt apprehensive about it. but wow, the fact that Fujimoto is able to take the concept of "girl non-consensually paints her sister naked and it gets displayed on the school wall for everyone to see" and NOT make it weird is crazy! a sweet oneshot that i enjoyed, and love the nuance that was able to be created in such a short amount of time.

Woke-Up-as-a-Girl Syndrome - a really cute take on a silly trope that can often be handled... oddly. i love how much the characters in this really feel like teenagers, doing stupid things but being completely earnest all the while. (Spoilers) i really like how it ends with Toshihide being adamant that he is still male, and also Rie still loving him as he is. very sweet!

Love is Blind - it's no wonder Fujimoto won an honourable mention for this, it's such an adorable and funny oneshot. i was giggling the whole time reading it! i don't really have much to say about it, but i definitely enjoyed it.

Fire Punch - i don't really know where to start with Fire Punch, but wow. it is seriously so impressive to me how good Fujimoto is at tackling such sensitive topics, not shying away from them while also clearly not glorifying them. i also think a big place where Fire Punch shines is character relationships, especially Agni and Togata. they fucked me UPPPPP. it goes off the rails a bit near the end, but i also never got the feeling that it WASN'T what Fujimoto intended with this series. i may not quite get the ending, but it didn't ruin anything for me and i think the rest of Fire Punch is really good at what it does. plus the art is AWESOME ?????

B TIER

Goodbye, Eri - ohhh people might not like me for this one... i'm sorry guys, i just honestly didn't get this manga. i'll definitely reread in the future (me and my sister still haven't finished our sticky notes to read it blurry/clear) but for now i can't rank it any higher. i didn't feel much reading it, and the ending definitely confused me a lot lol. love the art though!

Shikaku - this one's interesting! i thought the story was quite cute, and Shikaku herself is completely adorable. though Yugeru is ummm... not my type let's say. i also do wonder if Makima took any inspiration from Shikaku - she looks similar to her, which to be fair for Fujimoto works probably doesn't mean much (as a lot of his character's look similar to each other /pos), but a clearer comparison is both characters presenting eyeballs they stole from people. (also... if Makima is inspired by Shikaku, is Barem then inspired by Yugeru? yuck) anyways just my speculation, back to the point. the reason this doesn't make its way into A tier is because to me it doesn't really feel like a Fujimoto work? i'm not sure why, but yeah.

C TIER

Mermaid Rhapsody - this one's definitely cute, but as a result of Fujimoto trying to create a "normal story" it unfortunately loses all of the charm of Fujimoto works!! i want it to be weird and fucked up damnit!!!!! though he did succeed in his goal of creating a normal story, so i can't complain too much lol.

Sasaki Stopped a Bullet - i don't have anything against this oneshot, but i think it just doesn't particularly appeal to me. unfortunately nothing in this story grabbed me

D TIER

A Couple Clucking Chickens Were Still Kickin' in the Schoolyard - it's no real surprise this is here, considering it's Fujimoto's first work. overall it was pretty cute, but i'm not all that into aliens..? not much to say lol

if you read all this then thank you >_o

[sun-of-4-gun]

seeing your six ear macaque design (btw so freaking cool) makes me so curious about him :0! do you have more info about him?

AHH thank you!! that makes me so glad to hear (≧⁠▽⁠≦)♡*⁠。I have a whole idea of how he was made but nothing too solid! if anyone has any other insights I'd love to read them!!

this is something I've decided recently that when Six initially popped out of the ground, he looked a lot more like Monkey King. a scruffy, young adult six-eared macaque with dull red fur. he is an exact clone save for minor details that will kickstart big changes

it was instant for him to go out explore & experience the world, learn about this & that. he found his way to Flower-Fruit Mountain and it's clear to him that regardless of people, monkeys, and even demons just don't like him. his freakishly gross amount of ears certainly don't help or an underbaked unsettlingness about his whole vibe being uncanny & off, but he don't give a damn (yet). he just wants to be received positively for a change, so when he quickly found kinship in the legend of the Monkey King, he thought to seek him out in the hopes of understanding, but that idea is immediately snuffed out in favour of straight-up just becoming the Monkey King himself instead! he wants all the blind adoring glory and none of the work, but he needs help. assistance if you will, 'cause there's no Monkey King without his Stick. that's the whole reason he is where he is

long story short, Six is able to clone Stick and forge his own staff; Suixin Tie Ganbing (or Rod/dy) who I haven't designed cause I'm struggling (⁠^▽^���;⁠)⁠ゞ I don't imagine it's as characterised as Stick, if any. like a soulless copy y'know? Six knows Monkey's heart & mind so intimately, but lacks an awareness in that he is still more like the guy 500 years ago + caught up with knowledge to present time. of course, by becoming a specious macaque, he sacrifices his ability to predict the future & utilise that sixth sense, as Monkey isn't a six-eared macaque, but one of ✧ numinous wisdom ✧ and ultimately gets the upper hand to destroy this imposter, who apparently all along is a split aspect of his very own psyche & soul, a literal two-minds & double-heart situation. unlike Six, Monkey is a complete-ish person, and his counterpart has a lot of growing up to do. its a big difference between 500 years of self-reflection to 5 years of figuring out one's desires & purpose!

so Monkey aims to kill Six, a rotten part of himself that he tried to bury years ago, kept hidden from his master out of shame and deep inner conflict that it literally ate him up on the inside, and when it was too much to bear he cut open his chest to find an actual root of wickedness growing from his heart like a tumour, festering from the back of his mind and manifesting into a second organ that desperately needed to take control and get out. I imagine Sandy witnessed this and Horsie knows about it, but nobody said anything because Monkey seemingly "defeated" it when he buried this parasite into the dirt, thinking it would quietly die with nothing to leech off of anymore. this came back to haunt him, obviously, his own self or at least some corrupted mirror staring him in the flesh

but he doesn't kill him, seeing himself within literally and metaphorically, the second thoughts are clear and instead of destroying the six-eared macaque, he buries him alive instead. because if Buddha can stick him under a mountain for 500 years and that turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to him, why can't he do the same for this guy? he's a screwed up version of him, but like him nonetheless. he was 5 years old himself when he got mountained anyway!

except that well, it's still the six-eared macaque, his own species, and for whatever reason it was after that Tightening Fillet Spell by Guanyin that Six is cursed to be tethered to Monkey King in every physical & emotional way, especially by their own doing. all thoughts, joys, grief, love, rage, pain, pleasure and else of Monkey's will be second-hand to the specious macaque and he has no choice but to listen to & feel everything his creator feels & experiences. it sickens him, infuriates him, these sensations are tormenting regardless of his own desires for 1,000 years of complete depravity & deafness to everything of the outside world but the Monkey King and once he's freed from the earth by chance of a quake, he wants nothing to do with Sun Wukong. though that's impossible when he's literally connected at the heart & mind by some one-sided chain. so logically, he has to kill him.

his time underground allowed his sense of self to develop & ultimately change his appearance, so now he's also somewhat complete-ish as a living being. except he can't exactly move on with his creator in the way, as how can he trust his own emotions & sensations when all he's known are another's the past millennium? he'll get help & some assistance again, and he'll use the same jade dagger that was discarded after getting rid of him the first time to stab Monkey in the heart and sever their connection once and for all

[demonvampire180writes]

Thank you to @alliwantforchristmasislou for setting up this amazing thing! <3

Warning: I don't know how not to ramble, or make sense.

I don't work during the winter, and I'm trying to pay down debts so I can buy a house in 2025, so I unfortunately don't have any money to spare, but I wanted to express my gratitude to the BuckTommy nation for the joy they've brought me.

I started this silly little show last winter on a total whim. Ms. Angela Basset was always there on the title card whenever I opened Hulu so, bored with my endless amounts of reading, I decided to give it a go. Immediately I was drawn in. I loved their dynamics. The stories. Peter Krause's acting, especially in the scene where he breaks down on the couch with Hen and Buck? Yeah, my overly empathetic self was like, this show is mine now.

Mind you, I didn't binge watch it all at once. I took short little breaks, never feeling the need to power through them all. And then, BuckTommy happened. All of a sudden, I had a reason to catch up and catch up I did. I can't tell you precisely why I was so drawn to them, but I have some ideas.

For once, we had a pair of equally masculine men showing affection towards each other. Neither of them could be relegated to the "woman" role. They weren't stereotypically effeminate, but they went against the alpha male stereotypes. You had two men who had been mentally neglected all their lives, into adulthood, who came out the other side being people that wanted to serve and protect for all they were worth. They had trauma, but outside of Buck's sex addiction - Buck 1.0 - they didn't let their trauma define them. They showed affection, not just to the women around them, but to their friends and chosen family. They said "I love you" with their actions. Buck was allowed to have "feminine" hobbies without being effeminate, and maybe to some that's not a big deal but to me that is. Tommy, who could be questionably called more effeminate, was allowed to have more stereotypically "masculine" hobbies despite being a Kinsey 6.

That's a huge deal on broadcast TV. The general audience has certain expectations, as much as they sometimes suck - they're not known for being the most progressive folks in the world - so the fact that the show was allowed to stick it to them was just... an amazing experience. As someone who's only other experience with masculine GAY men on TV was Ian and Mickey, whom I love dearly, it was such a nice change of pace. Also, the fact that they're both mature men? Also a huge deal. I love Alec, from Shadowhunter's, but he's still pretty young, and he's known he was gay for a very long time. Patrick and David from Schitt's Creek? They knew, and David(?) still has a very effeminate air about him, despite being confirmed pansexual.

All this is to say, that BuckTommy drew me in until they had a chokehold on me. I started using Tumblr again, started diving back into fanfiction in a way I hadn't since Kuroko no Basuke. I've produced more fics for the 911 fandom in six months than for any other fandom I've ever written for. And I've been in fandoms since circa 2007? And that's insanely impressive. BuckTommy drew me back into broadcast TV. I literally yell at my brother when the show is on to not talk to me, or bother me, for the next hour. I've got like... Four shows I wait for weekly now, TV antenna and all.

BuckTommy's have also been some of the kindest, most interesting, people I've had the pleasure of "knowing." Every single day I have things to look forward to in the tag, whether it's fics, or art, or headcannons, or honestly - my favorite - complaints about how the relationship ended and how the writers done fucked up. You guys are so amazing, and I love all of you that I've ever interacted with.

I'm PRAYING to see Lou, and Tommy, again in 2025, but even if he doesn't, I'm back for the long haul. You guys dragged me back from the brink of destruction after the break-up, I've never lost it over a fictional ship like that before in my LIFE, and I've decided that I'm here for good.

Merry fucking Christmas, and Happy Holidays to you all.

[sockatoothewafflebird]

I MISSED IT.

oh my god. if i had known sooner, i would have done something- drawn a tribute, maybe- for this show. this show is a part of me. this show has been with me through so much and it is impossible to overstate how much it means to me. it was there during the best and worts times of my life. i cannot ever ever imagine my life without this show.

so, as a tribute to it, because i MISSED THE DAMN ANNIVERSARY OHMYGOD, i'll tell my story with it. i feel like it should be shared because i know there are others out there that appreciate the show just as much as i do. this is pretty long so uhhh word wall warning teehee

i remember when i first discovered it,

about halfway into 2020. season one had finished airing by the time i found it. i had heard things about this "lumity" characyer and decided to try it out because i was an "ally" at the time (oh, how things can change).

it wasn't on a streaming service yet, nor did my family use cable TV, so i watched the entirety of the first season through clips pirated on youtube.

i fell in love with it. watched every theory video i could get my grubby little hands on, watched reaction videos, watched those iconic lumity animatics and listened to the songs on loop for months. it became a part of me.

and, guess what? i made the lego eda meme my pfp on my school laptop (remember that one guys?? oh man that was a WHILE ago) and someone in my school, a new guy, asked me about it. said he liked my pfp and asked if he could sit with me and my friends during lunch. and now, even after both of us moving thousands of miles away, we're still in touch.

that was FOUR YEARS AGO. i know that seems kind of a short amount of time, but i've never held a friend that long before, having moved around a lot in my life. long story short the owl house got me like half the friends i have today.

anyway, back to the show.

i can never forget the hype when season 2 was announced.

i remember scrounging youtube like a starving dog for any content, teasers, theories, etc etc etc i could physically find. i was a pretty sheltered kid back then so i couldn't see any hype for it on social media other than youtubers gushing about theories. but i felt like i was there with everyone, squealing and kicking our feet together over our favorite show getting a new season.

most vividly, i remember being fucking pissed when i saw that the third season we could've had was cut short. i remember all the angry videos, and the petitions, everyone, everyone was all collectively screaming for this to change. we wanted the show to get what it deserved, but alas, it's Disney. so of course we just had to make do.

when season two began airing i forgot all about my anger. i forgot everything because, i had to watch it as soon as possible. i'll remind you, dear random internet user, that my family did not have cable TV at the time, so i couldn't watch it the second it aired there. i watched youtubers' reactions to the episodes.

it was the best feeling ever waking up on a saturday and seeing all of the reaction streams to the episode from all my favorite youtubers- i had to watch it all through the tiny top left corner of my phone screen and i was ecstatic. i loved being able to watch the show with everyone else, even if i sometimes missed reaction premiers or streams and got to them a day late- it was in the top ten most fun months of my life.

oh, and, do you remember? do we all remember Through The Looking Glass Ruins? the episode where gus develops his character and powers, and also the episode in which... you know... amity and luz indirectly admit their feelings for one another? TO each other? you just had to be there for the EXPLOSIONS that happened online that day. the absolute SCREAMS of joy from everyone when amity cheek-kissed luz at the end. it was amazing to witness so many people everywhere, in my social circle and online, collectively cheering and shouting for joy over a queer couple. a sapphic couple, portrayed positively, and casually, and OPENLY.

you have no idea how amazing it felt, after years of questioning myself, to see that on screen. to see that and to see everyone happy about it.

in the time between season one and season two's release, i opened up about questioning my sexuality to my parents, and they were... reluctantly supportive. i took a ton of time to figure it out myself, like maybe two years of constantly cycling though labels and wondering and wondering and thinking really really hard about it.

i remember seeing luz and amity very clearly being a potential couple in the show, and then they actually BECOME A CANON COUPLE a few episodes later, and feeling utter jealousy because i wanted what they had. the world exploded because, for a lot of people, this was a huge finally moment. finally, we have something good for ourselves. i remember watching and re-watching the lumity scenes in the first part of season two over and over and over, and thinking, "i don't want this with a boy. i want it like that." and it was liberating. i cannot thank this show enough for that feeling of fully accepting myself as a 100% organic home-grown lesbian.

that's just my experience with the show, but i'm sure there are tons of other similar stories, because this show was my first exposure to positive queer rep (raine whispers and amity blight are me favorite characters, i think you can guess why) and that changed everything for me.

anyway, on with the show.

the second part of season two released, and the fandom went wild. i cried. i sobbed. the finale was amazing, the lumity moments were amazing (they're portrayed as one of the healthiest couples i've ever seen in modern media ohmygod), the story was amazing. every episode, banger after banger. every minute, smile after tear after mind-blowing moment. the owl house team took disney's smelly, rotten lemons, and they made fucking lemonade. the best lemonade i've ever had.

and also, can i talk about how amazing it is to see so much representation of usually horribly portrayed groups? luz is canonically ADHD. many characters could also be seen as neurodivergent (gus my beloved) eda's curse is a stand-in for chronic illness. hunter's entire story is one about abuse, and belos's is a story of how a person can become a monster, about how sometimes monsters cannot and should not be redeemed. this show is a fucking masterclass in rep.

anyway, "season three" (fuck yoy disney) was amazing, and every episode made me bawl.

i remember seeing that they released the episodes in youtube, and i remember the absolute beauty it was to see millions upon millions of views for it. i remember watching the first one while making myself an omelette. that omelette ended up having my tears in it. i'll have you know that i almost never cry at media, so the owl house really fucking achieved something with all of the tears i shed.

i remember crying when luz "died," crying when she came back and screamed in bel-ass' face , "EAT THIS, SUCKAAA"- and i remember crying at the collective "byeeee" from the whole cast. i remember feeling a sense of bittersweetness that it was over. but the whole cast got the endings they deserved, and that was enough for me.

the owl house is a part of me now.

the owl house's run was a comfort when the news was screaming and crying, it was a comfort when i needed escape, and it was a huge part of the person i am today. i cannot ever thank this show enough.

i'll probably draw something to commemorate the anniversary if i ever find the time, but for now, this post is a way for me to send my appreciation towards the fandom, the creators in the fandom, and the creators of the show that made it possible. this show is over now and has been for years, but it will never leave me. happy five years, everyone! here's to many more! 🥂

[magicalgirlypop]

reviewing all the magical girl anime i watched this year

2024 was a year i got into lot of media. i decided to expand my horizons by watching more magical girl anime because i realized compared to some mg fans the amount of mg anime i've watched is relatively few. so i set out to make a long watchlist of mg anime and out of those, i've finished a few. so i'm going to review all the magical girl anime i've managed to watch this year. i'm counting magical girl anime that came out this year, and old magical girl anime i watched this year.

magical girl anime that came out this year

wonderful precure

lets start with this year's precure season. wonderful precure was a show i never thought i'd like as much as i did. to be honest i didn't really care for the theme of animals and i wasn't as invested in it at first. i wasn't one of those "it has no physical fights therefore its BAD!!" people but i just wasn't drawn in at first. but it ended up surprising me with how well written it was. mayu's and yuki's episodes in particular were really good. komugi was lots of fun to watch. and i actually ended up liking the m/f romance that i was skeptical about. satoru was a wonderful addition who helped in his own way despite not being a precure and his relationship with iroha developed naturally and was so sweet that i ended up being drawn to them. these last two episodes in particular have been... well, wonderful. i know precure gets into dark territory sometimes but i didn't expect them to cover the topic of a pet dying, which can be so devastating. and episode 45 is probably my favourite in the franchise so far. i'm surprised that i ended up liking this season MORE than hirogaru sky (probably helps that there isn't a baby taking the spotlight from more interesting characters). wonderful precure is a cute and fun show with some heartwarming moments and while i'm excited for an idol themed season next year, i'll be sad to see komugi, iroha, mayu, yuki, and satoru leave.

himitsu no aipri

this is... a mixed bag for me. initially, i was excited for this show because it gave me aikatsu friends vibes, the artstyle was nice, and it was the first idol show i'd watch as it was releasing. it started off pretty strong too and had the potential for some good story beats with the mystery of who tsumugi was. but... it was very slow paced for my liking. i don't mind slow paced, more slice of life stories, but aipri was not meant to be like that. it really felt like nothing was happening in a bunch of episodes. and it lacked that dramatic flair common to all pretty series. i will admit, i adored mitsuki and himari's friendship. and its also not disappointing in the yuri department. ig another thing that makes this show such a mixed bag for me is how long the subs take to drop, which just.. makes me lose interest in the show. but maybe that's a skill issue on my part.

acro trip

probably my favourite show released this year. there wasn't a single episode where i didn't laugh. chizuko is such a cute lesbian bby and her fangirling over berry blossom was adorable. berry herself was really cute, and i love how she acts like a normal teenage girl despite being idolized by chizuko (example, when she didn't let chroma see her hair because she cut her bangs a milimeter too short and was self conscious), and chroma was such a girlfailure of a villain, i love him and i didn't expect that doomed yaoi between him and mashirou. all three mcs were such a joy to watch. i honestly can't think of anything bad to say about this show other than it was too short and needs another season.

magilumiere co. ltd.

a unique take on the genre, where being a magical girl is a job and all the mcs are adults working for a small startup company. it certainly did come out at the right time as this is the year i dealt with Adult Struggles so the mcs were more relatable to me. i enjoy the bond between all of the employees at the company. and i do enjoy those little jabs at capitalism they make with koga's character, with him seeing a profession that's supposed to help people as only a profit making scheme. i'm really glad its confirmed for a season 2.

mahonare

this is the prettiest show released this year, no exaggeration. the pastel colouring and the storybook feel of the show makes it such a joy to watch. its definitely one of the more slower paced shows released but the unique characters make up for it. this show gives me little witch academia and witch hat atelier vibes. i would say that the slow pace of the show works against it being only 12 episodes because there's so many story beats set up that would be unable to complete in a small timeframe without feeling rushed. so i hope this show gets confirmed for multiple seasons.

the magical girl and evil lieutenant used to be archenemies

i only watched one episode of this show and i did like what i saw back then. i almost supported the main couple... until i found out that byakuya was a teenager and shun was a grown adult and then all my interest in the show went down the drain. i wanted to pick it up again but from what i heard its.. not that great. so definitely one of the weaker shows released this year

old shows that i watched this year

full moon o sagashite

this show is what i'd call "almost perfect". the themes of what it means to live and how to live your life knowing you don't have long to live? touching on how the music industry is not a squeaky clean place and how certain people will play dirty to get on top? the dilemma of the shinigami who grow an attachment to mitsuki, who they're supposed to reap the soul of in a year? and the added detail of mitsuki being a mere child? also the amazing music? it has all the ingredients to be a perfect show. the one thing holding it back from being a 10/10 anime is the FUCKINGGGG ROMANCE! there is not a single romance in this show that isn't problematic! i can excuse mitsuki having a crush on eichi because she's just 12. but there is no excuse for eichi, a 16 year old boy, falling in love with a 10 year old girl. and don't get me started on takuto fucking kira. it wasn't enough for him to fall in love with a 12 year old, but said 12 year old was his FORMER BANDMATE'S DAUGHTER! HIS DEAD BANDMATE'S SICK DAUGHTER! if i was aoi i would rise from the dead to beat the shit out of takuto for that. and its not like its a minor thing i can ignore, the romance plays a major part in the series. full moon would've been perfect as a show about living your life to the fullest with the little time you've been given if it just got rid of the awful romance. one thing i will say, that episode with the old man who can see the shinigami and knows he's about to die? its one of my favourite anime episodes period, no exaggeration, its such a beautiful episode that embodies everything i love about the show.

wedding peach

i'm sorry but this show was a chore to get through. i wasn't expecting anything progressive because its a show released in 1994. but even then i really didn't enjoy watching it. i can complain about how heteronormative the show is but i'm gonna excuse it because again, it was released in the 90s. but for what it is? its still such a BOREFEST. for a show all about romance, none of the main couples interested me. yosuke was just another jerkass love interest i just couldn't get into. takuro gave major incel vibes during his whole arc and was only slapped with hinagiku because he couldn't get momoko. yanagiba was probably the most interesting but that's not saying much since i couldn't get invested in him either. but the thing that bothered me the most was how shallow the friendship between the girls felt. see, this is a genre where female friendships are front and center and given just as much importance as romance. but in wedding peach, i didn't feel like the mcs were friends. they were willing to throw each other under the bus for some guy and the only time their friendship comes up is when the plot needs a power of friendship moment. its definitely not the worst mg show i've ever watched but its not one of my favourites either. i feel if i watched this show as a teenager i probably would've liked it more.

yume no crayon oukoku

i'm honestly not sure this counts as a magical girl show but some people do count it as one so i'm including it here. i really enjoyed this show. i love that the main character was really flawed and the point of the show was for her to get rid of her bad habits. it made her feel more real despite the show taking place in a fantasy kingdom with talking animals and objects. and i like how she never completely gets rid of her bad habits either, because she's a child and she can't become perfect overnight. and although i'm tired of jerkass magical girl love interests, something about cloud endeared me. he reminded me of syaoran li from cardcaptor sakura, who's my favourite mg love interest ever. and the villain for the first arc was hilarious, every time he was onscreen was a joy to watch. the show did remind me of ojamajo doremi in a few ways, but when i looked it up yume no crayon came out before ojamajo doremi so, i feel maybe ojamajo doremi was inspired by this show. but anyways this was a cute, feel good show and i enjoyed it.

kamichama karin

this is the most chaotic magical girl show i've ever watched and i loved every minute of it. of course many people know it from THAT frame, but the show itself is as chaotic as the infamous frame makes you expect. the story is just all over the place and normally that would make it frustrating, but there's something so charming about kamichama karin that just makes it work. the plot twist was just a whole mindfuck but that's what i'd come to expect from the show. the villain made for a lot of funny moments in the show. i realize i've become picky about magical girl main couples though because i was not feeling karin and kazune at all. i've grown tired of jerkass love interests, and kazune fits the "guy is an asshole to girl because he likes her" trope which i've come to hate. and his sexism really dampens my enjoyment of the show. i get that he's a child but still. but kazune's jerkishness wasn't so much of a problem that i couldn't enjoy the show because he does seem to grow out of it by the end.

machikado mazoku

and finally the most recent show i've finished. i have to say, shamiko and momo are already one of my favourite mg ships. i really enjoy how they care for each other despite shamiko declaring multiple times she's momo's archenemy. the story was also pretty interesting. i did enjoy how it was the demon girl who had the cheerful personality while the pink magical girl, who we expect to be cheerful and friendly, had a more withdrawn personality before she met shamiko. the mystery surrounding sakura was also interesting. i'm definitely gonna check out the manga someday. i need more shamimomo in my life.

and that's all the magical girl shows i've watched this year. here's hoping next year i have the time to get into more shows.

[eleventhhourfactor]

First day of 2025 has been good so far. So good, in fact, that I've decided to actually make a self-reflection/look to the future post, as much as I'm trying not to be vain.

Anyway...2024. There was a lot happening there.

If we're looking at Tumblr alone, it's pretty clear that this was the year that solidified Mario and Luigi as a hyperfixation for me. Helped along by the mutuals I made along the way, I turned out a lot of stories for AO3--moreso than I'd ever done for any other fandom prior to this. It's...mindblowing, honestly. Just the year before, I'd written and deleted my works after becoming convinced that it wouldn't amount to anything and ought as well not be out there. It was a pattern I longed to break, and I think I've finally cracked it, and I've never been happier to put myself out there and be cringe and free.

The rest of 2024 was a hell of a lot of change for me--mostly good. I moved across the country, started writing for another company, found another special interest in the form of Mario RPGs. I also realized that a load of my extended family have garbage takes, and that I alone can't fix that for them. My cat needed teeth taken out, my car got hit by a delivery truck in the parking lot, and I got holed up at my in-laws' house with the flu on Christmas Day. I'm still trying to make real-life friends, which seems to be an outstanding issue for little ol' me. Outside of college, I've never been great at making and keeping friends.

But I do have my network, without which I wouldn't have been able to publish a story, plan a big move, or even doodle on occasion. And you, dear mutuals and others, are a part of that, I've come to realize. It's stupid and corny, but there's something really neat about going to the internet and nerding out about things through headcanon posts, fabulous art, and wonderfully-written tales. What's even crazier is what fanwork can drive me to do in my original little things.

So, for 2025, along with some outstanding fics I need to wrap up and work on, I also want to put some work and effort into fleshing out a long-running project of mine: the world of Astrara, the worldhoppers moving throughout, and the threads of the universe tying it all together. There's characters I've been bouncing around in my skull for nearly a decade now, and it's about time I clear the sad lack of confidence from my space and actually draw them to the life they deserve. Might I make a comic? Who knows. For the next year, I just want to draw my little dudes until I run out of pencils, and then scan it in and color digitally. I want to make more art, and I want to write out the story of Lenora, Aylín, and their absolutely batshit journey to find their way home. Or at least, get the bullet points down and go from there.

It's crazy, but I thought turning out over a dozen fanfics was insane as well, and look where I'm at. Anything can happen. The spark has caught aflame. I want to keep creating. For the first time ever, I want to keep going with whatever the heck I've got going instead of letting it sit while I grind to live.

So, follow me as I get this going. See how far I go or fall short. Maybe ask me some more about what exactly I'm working on. I'd love to brainstorm and share and get others interested, too.

A bit of insurance in the form of doodles. Lenora on the left, Aylín on the right. One's being careful, the other wants to fight.

Kinda funny how much I project onto my own little stories.

Thank you all for sticking with me. Sorry this turned from reflection to a bit of narcissist goal-setting, but I've never felt so set on a creative goal before. This project means a lot to me and my growth over time, and without stepping out and meeting you all, I'd never be able to do this. So, thank you for being there, and I hope I've been able to do half as much for you.

Under the cut special! Sending love to all the people who keep me going on here. Like, y'all are so great. You are all great people.

So, mutuals and creators I admire (as well as my frens), this one's for you:

@giddlygoat @peaches2217 @snakeeyesdraws @bberetd @itsavee4117 @silenzahra @silksongmaiden @fyreburning @akiiame-blog @megamagimugi @supergay-64 @artizonka @rainbogen @loud-kid2 @@diamondempp @dooxliss @lu1g199 @laatgag @moriouchou-radio @thegravityshark @gustygardns @vulpixfairy1985 @vbnhuet

[fanficmanic]

I just finished watching 8x08, and I have so many feelings.

So. Many. Mixed. Feelings!

Fair warning - long post ahead.

For one, I re-blogged a post sometime after 8x01 or 02 aired, I can't really remember, about the parallel's between Eddie's first season on the show and this one. With the insane amount of presence that Ryan has had so far in promoting the season so far, I've had this bad feeling at the pit of my stomach that this would be his last season. Now, hear me out, I don't think today's episode was his last (the masses would riot if it is), BUT, they have left the room wide open for it to happen fully by the end of the season.

Two, the level of act-ception this show is doing is hilarious! You have 3 of the most talented actors out there (I'm looking at you Oliver, Ryan, and Kenny) act so badly that if it wasn't so funny I'd die of second-hand embarrassment. Who ever said that this show was serious is sadly mistaken.

Three, Buck's reaction on the couch after finding out Eddie has a realtor interview for houses in El Paso. I've read so many comments and posts, and again, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I want this to be the start of Buck's realization of his feelings for Eddie, but on the other hand, if it is, it feels like almost anti-climatic! This was the fall finale (granted, I don't have much experience with those) but shouldn't it end with more of a cliffhanger? (Promo for March's 2-part return is not included in this rhetorical question)

Now, what do I want to see happen (I know the chances of it actually happening is slim-to-zero but I'm saying it anyway)?

For the Eddie-Chris story, I want Eddie to go to El Paso, scream at his parents and say something along the lines of "you feel so guilty about taking my childhood away that you're overcompensating with my son and giving him the childhood that I should've had". Moreover, I don't think Eddie ever badmouthed his parents in front of Chris because: 1. he's a great dad who would never jeopardize Chris's relationship with his grandparents (proven by the fact that Chris felt safe enough to call them when shit hit the fan), and 2. Eddie rarely (if ever) expresses his feelings to anyone (but Buck), so him showing his true feelings about his parents in front of Chris is virtually impossible. So, when Eddie shows up at El Paso and screams at his parents (I want it to happen in front of Chris but without Eddie knowing that Chris is there), Chris will feel like he's just his grandparent's second chance at being good parents and will want to have nothing to do with them. Also, I want Chris to freak out when he finds out that Eddie is looking to buy a house in El Paso because it was never his plan to stay there forever.

If Tim and Co. use this story line to have Eddie leave the 118 and LA, I want him and Chris to decide on a fresh start by going to Hawaii. Dum dum dum: Enter 9-1-1 Hawaii where they follow the lives of members of the 366 fire house who are having to cope with a new captain that just transferred over from LA.

For Buck, my beautiful beautiful Buck. First of all, I bow to the beautiful portrayal that Oliver Stark does with his face alone. He's so expressive when he wants to and being able to show such a wide range of emotion without saying a single word is otherworldly. (This is not saying that the others aren't great actors, I just have a stupid crush on Oliver Stark and I'm self-indulging here).

Anyway, back to what I was saying. The scene between Buck flipping over the tablet, Eddie explaining things, and Buck going to take a seat on the couch with the camera focusing on his face while Eddie wasn't looking wasn't longer than 2-3 minutes at best (could've been longer - seemed too short for my liking to be honest. These two haven't had enough screen time together this season IMHO). However, within just those few minutes, Buck went from panicking about wanting to call Tommy, to skeptical about why Eddie flipped the tablet, to playful about what Eddie must be hiding (like only a best friend would), to shock at hearing Eddie's explanation, to supportive of his best friend's decision (because he knows that Eddie must be dying on the inside at being so far away from Christopher), to panicking again at the possibility of losing his best friend. Buck spirals so easily on a good day. Today? It's a terrible, horrible, no good day and for Buck to be able to put a lid on his emotions so he can be fully supportive of Eddie says a lot! I also think that THIS is what will throw Buck back into his fuckboy phase, and NOT the breakup with Tommy.

Don't get me wrong, I hated how they ended things between Buck and Tommy (the struggles of being a multi-shipper), but in the grand scheme of things, who would have a more profound effect on Buck? Tommy leaving, or Eddie leaving? How about both of them leaving, making him spiral on his own?

Anyway, like I said in a previous post, this is my first time having to go through a fall/holidays hiatus. I don't celebrate Christmas - so I don't have that option to keep my minds off of things. This leaves my mind to wander on its own, which can be a very scary thing. I know that I already planning so many stories (as if I don't have enough ideas in my 9-1-1 folder), but I also know that I'll probably re-watch the show and dissect it with a fine-tooth comb, which will probably results in more story ideas.

I'm also really looking forward to all of the fanfiction that will come out during the coming 3 months.

Right now? This is exactly how I feel.

👇👇👇👇

[endermaybe]

I loved reading the "From Eden" story, written by @aquaquadrant and the accompanying art by @lunarcrown. I keep thinking about the story/world, so I decided to be kind to myself and write it out, so at least my thoughts will be organized.

Or so I thought. It turned out to be more of a ramble than a coherent piece of text. I'm not gonna do it to myself to check and clear up everything, it's supposed to be a fun write, not a chore. I've made a lot of (obvious) observations and asked a lot of questions, but that's me just 'thinking out loud'. And I knew it would be long, but I hadn't expected it to be this long. I'm not sure if anyone will be interested in reading all of it, but here it is anyway.

------

I love it, and everything about it.

I love the whole "Hells to Pay" universe. I love how alive the universe feels while at the same time it still feels very much like Minecraft. I love how it has very much game logic while at the same time having very real stakes and dangers.

I love the characters, both the ones based on youtubers and the original ones. The first category are clearly recognizable with their way of speaking and mannerisms and the latter seem just as well developed. I love how everyone has depth. Everyone has strengths and weakness, even if it's not always obvious. No one is fully good and even the worst characters have some good qualities. And everyone has the ability to change and learn, for better or for worse, but only if they choose so.

I love the writing. The way it's structured makes it fun and easy to read. The wording very much supports the world and it's characters. I love how it lingers on some moments and quickly goes over others, it feels very natural. And though I am the kind of person that wants to know anything about a universe/story they love, I do think that the amounts of exposition and explanation are great. More would probably hinder the telling of the story itself. And I love all the extra bits of the world told through answering other peoples asks.

I love the art. Everyone is unique and easy recognizable. The bodylanguage and faces are really expressive. It's great to see. Beside that, it's also an artstyle that I just really enjoy.

So onto more details of the story. A LOT more details, I basically did another deep read to make sure I didn't miss anything. Spoilers I guess for anyone who hasn't read the story but somehow did find this post.

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Lunarcrown's into comic looks amazing. It also wonderfully shows what kind of world Hels can be and the nightmare that is Tango's life. When I found the story, this intro was enough to get me hooked.

I think it's funny that the first part of an eleven chapter story (of which two are two-parters) is called a one-shot in the authors notes. I mean, I'm not a native English speaker and all that, but I don't think that's correct. Was it intended to be a stand-alone story? Had it been the plan for the AU to be told through short stories?

It's a small thing but I like how every new chapter/place is introduced by "Somewhere in [insert world], a player [is introduced, doing something]", with very minimal variations. It's a nice returning bit, through the whole story.

The way Tango's imprisonment is described is chillingly beautiful. It's horrific, but at the same time almost casual. But that's what is has become for Tango: just another day. In the same way, the manner of escaping is grueling, showing clearly his desperation. Well done.

It's so clearly noticeable, even through the immediate relief of escaping Hells Tek, that he's been through so much and that it impacted him so much. And then he decides to hide it and pretend it didn't happen for another decade. Even if he didn't fool people nearly as much as he thinks he did, it's so sad he though he needed to do that. Not to say that I can't understand it. Sadly, it probably stopped him from openly enjoying what he had: his freedom, all the wonderful experiences of the overworld and his friends. It's an amazing first chapter.

Also I love the way you write Xisuma.

And hello Bravo. I don't really like him as a character, too arrogant and snobbish. But at the same time, I love his journey and it's fun to follow him. He didn't deserve to be stranded here. But then again, that was kinda the point of the Universe's little experiment. I wonder, if he would one day learn about that, would it make him feel better or worse?

It's interesting to see his outside view of Hermitcraft. And them being considered a private bunch in this universe, while we see them pretty much place every block of their megabases, through streams and timelapses. Then again, in-story Hermitcraft is only in it's second world/season. I haven't been following Hermitcraft for THAT long, but it probably isn't a fair comparison. I wonder which of the Hermits Bravo was familiar with. Some of the redstoners, probably.

Timmy leaving his save spot to talk to Bravo wasn't something I noticed om my first read, and it's sweet of him. I love Timmy, and at the same time I want to yell at him for taking such poor care of himself. It's nice to see that through all he experienced he hasn't lost his kindness.

I've been definitely overthinking this, but while rereading Timmy explaining what Hels is to Bravo I was wondering how he knew the difference between Hells and a normal world. The logical explanation would be that some other player told him. But I remembered a post were there was mentioned Timmy was a Listener and I am a sucker for any Watcher Lore (and your version is great), so my mind came to the conclusion that a Watcher told Timmy. After all, he seems so lonely and so attention starved, that he would probably love it when the Watchers are around him. Maybe he tries to talk to them, make them stay a little longer. Most Watchers wouldn't be interested in him, since they can't make him leave. They would only be at spawn if someone more interesting has died without a respawn point. But maybe... Maybe some of the nicer Watchers decide to humor him, and talk for a moment. Maybe after a few times, they discover it's nice to sometimes just have a conversation with a player and just... start telling him things. Random bits of trivia, events that they've Watched somewhere else, things about their old lives. They would still be mostly doing other Watcher stuff, but when they are bored, or were about to visit Hels' spawn anyway, they stop by a certain avian.

Like I said, I've been overthinking this. It probably doesn't fit your story, but it has been fun to imagine. I like the idea that Timmy is one of the few players that is completely comfortable with being a Listener. And I like the idea of someone that people don't spend a second thought on casually having conversations with literal deities.

Back to Bravo for a moment. The stretchend out death-loop that is his way out of spawn is interesting to see. He starts out relatively optimistic but get's a hard and painful lesson on what life in Hels is like. By the time he meets the Arena recruiters he seems to understand why Timmy doesn't leave spawn. Bravo is glad with the resources he has, even though in any other world a second-day player would probably put him to shame. His first instinct on seeing players approach him is now to hide. He's already changed a lot, probably without even realizing it. And that is before he snaps.

The symmetry between the ending of one chapter and the start of the other is well done. One duo dies and Bravo finally gets a break in his struggle to survive. Another duo dies and Tango has a big setback in the game he's participating in.

The tone of chapter 3 is very different from the previous chapters. For a big part, it is an adaptation of Jimmy's and Tango's first episodes of the Double Life series. It's impressive how that part is both true to the source and a good adaptation. And then it smoothly transforms in your own work. Well done.

"They have only one bed." Look, I am very new to fanfiction, but even I know that this is a classic. I don't mind. Classics are classics for a reason, and you've written it good. I love the awkwardness here between the two of them.

Somehow the thing that's hardest to believe is that Grian would be the one to propose an end to the death-game, and it's funny that other characters seem to find that hard to believe as well. But it's a fun set-up to change mid-way in a death game to a survival world.

The addition that the soulbound can make you aware of your partners feelings and that it amplifies whatever is already between them. And thank you Impulse, for sharing your wisdom and for talking some sense into Tango. All the things Tango worries Jimmy will hate about him, seem to be the things he hates himself for. No wonder he feels unlovable. And thank you Pearl, for giving Tango some perspective.

So much of this chapter is just lovely and wholesome. After the Ranches have one good conversation, things just organically develop. Their relations grows closer and stronger. Tango learns to love and how it feels to be loved, he learns to be vulnerable, he slowly starts lowering his walls. There are still mountains of old pain, but there are new pieces that are healing as well. Thank you Jimmy, for being the healer that Tango needs. If only it would last.

Back to Hels. It's a nice detail that beds are a high end item. I guess that means making wool from string isn't possible (4 string into wool never felt right anyway). Though an anchor would prevent a long death loop by running out.

The inner workings of Hels Tek are a nice bit of information, though the place itself definitely is not. How does it compare to other redstone labs, like iRaid? Many workers probably only tolerate the restricting of their freedom because it's still better inside than being alone on the outside.

Clear is a fun character, especially when interacting with Atlas. He can get away with almost anything because he is just to valuable to loose in Atlas' eyes. He is a tragic mess but highly intelligent and takes pride in his work.

It's very telling that young Atlas, with just two minutes of life experience, already assumed the worst of others. That is not something he learned. Why would someone bother to plug a hole at spawn? Ease of traveling? And it's wood, valuable and burnable, it could have been part of a make-shift bridge, or something. Atlas really is the worst. Oh, and rule number one of Minecraft: don't dig straight down, smart guy.

It felt strange to me that Timmy lied to Atlas about Bravo, while pointing them in the direction that Tango want, the guy Atlas is actually looking for. But now I realize that Tango could "still see spawn in the distance", just before the portal spawned. Did Timmy in turn actually see Tango leaving and Bravo joining, from his higher vantage point? That would mean he probably did protect Tango, by not telling the full truth. Also, he's seen both of them. Has he noticed their likeness?

I hadn't caught on to Timmy casually lying Bravo in the first few times I read this chapter. It's sweet. And that he is able to do so while sounding casual surprises me. It feels like a stark contrast with his counterpart, who seems to be a bad liar and with an very emotive voice. And Timmy managed to do so in the face of a powerful man who has already subtilty threatened him and his with minions around. A quiet display of (inner) strength.

Timmy has delayed Atlas and Bravo meeting for five years, half the time Bravo spend in Hels. Five years without answers, five years without any hope of returning. If Atlas had found him the next time Bravo respawned (shot by a skeleton, if matched up chapter II and V correctly) Atlas would have put things together. Bravo would probably have jumped at the chance to get to Hels Tek, to civilisation, and he hadn't learned the "healthy Hels skepticism" yet. Atlas would be his savior! And would have been able to fully shape Bravo's image of Hels. Now, Bravo had to build his own image. Would he think it would have been worth those five years? Maybe, after he finally escaped Hels. I hope so, for Timmy's sake.

Tango had five more years on the overworld because of Timmy's lie. Five years of healing, but also five years of hiding and festering. He would have been in the fifth or sixth world of Hermitcraft, which would have had more resources than Double life. But the Hermit are more thinly spread and not focused on pvp. And on Hermitcraft, Tango probably would have been alone, when Hels Tek came for him. Others would have probably too far away to reach him in time, if they even knew were to go. Or maybe Tango would have been lucky and Hels Tek would have entered minutes before the final battle of the season 6 Prank War. Probably not but that would have been funny. There is a chance that the five extra years were unnecessary and only stopt him from fully healing but I think its way more likely that it saved him. On Double Life and with Jimmy at his side it seems that everything was exactly right for Tango being saved and to make sure his past won't come back to hound him anymore.

I truly hope that Timmy's little lie made things better in the end. I didn't realize that I had so much to say about one sentence in the story. I hope you didn't mind the sidetrack.

Atlas looking for Tango in the Arena seems to be the reason that the recruiters that made Bravo snap ran into him in the first place. Credits were it's due, thank you Atlas, for giving Bravo the means to gain things like good food, end-game armor and weapons. I still don't like you.

Considering Alisker has a spy in Hels Tek, and doesn't actually want hybrid farming to succeed, could the failing of respawn anchor be due to sabotage? Or maybe it was just the will of the Universe. Also, Alisker humiliating Atlas is very satisfying.

The downward spiral of Hels Tek is also very satisfying. It seems that Atlas never bothered to make any protocol for things taking a turn for the worst. I guess that just would be unimaginable for him. And then dr. Clear manages to halt that spiral in one lucid peptalk. That makes me sad that his lucid moments seem to be so rare and frustrated that he uses his skills and talents for Hels Tek. Clear Cut's mental health issues could be some form of heavy depression. That would be treatable. Earlier in the chapter it was mention he has to use potions of swiftness to be functional, but that sounds like management to me, not treatment.

The difference between Atlas meeting Bravo, and Atlas meeting a young Tango is interesting. Tango's base is hidden, while Bravo's is not. Bravo asks questions before deciding whether to attack, while Tango does not. Both of them are wary, but Tango seems eager to work in a redstone lab, while Bravo only sees it as a way home. All of these differences seem to be learned, though. And young Tango is cute.

Bravo at the start of chapter VI has plenty of Hels experience, but without Atlas having manipulated his worldview yet. Still, it's not a pretty picture. He thinks Atlas is probably dangerous because "he’s from Hels, after all". As if overworlders can't be dangerous. Does he know how players on anarchy servers can be? Does he know how an UHC works?

Overworld players gain the ability to travel between world as teenagers, and Bravo mentions next chapter that he probably stopped aging while still looking young. Tango was recruited as a teen, and spent only a few years in Hels Tek. He is the same age as Bravo. In other words, Bravo probably didn't have that much of a window between gaining access to multiverse travel and getting trapped in Hels. Maybe Bravo is just naive when it comes to overworld players.

You know, I really thought Atlas was the one to bring out the worst in Bravo, but perhaps all he did was stop Bravo from examining his own biases. I know Hels is a though place but I can't believe Bravo is that special for having a grand total of three pieces of furniture. He also already considers hybrid players part monster. One of his first thoughts on hearing Hels is an actual prisonworld is that the players that have spawned here must deserve it. And when Atlas guesses that Tango managed "to utilize [Bravo's] connection to leave Hels", Bravo interprets that as Tango willingly trapping him.

Bravo's early days in Hels Tek probably mirror those of Tango. A rundown of practices and procedures of the place, other scientist gathering information about him, leaving the communicator with other scientist to let them figure out the data. Probably to work with the same iron farm scientist Bravo talked to. But Bravo is aware what it's actually for, Tango was fed lies. And Tango was a teenager that had probably grown up feral and just entered a community for the first time.

Hels!Keralis is another fun character. I love that one of the extreme traits that he got from his counterpart is more eyes. How does he know that Bravo isn't from Hels? With the number of eyes he has it somehow wouldn't surprise me if he has some sort of special sight. Or it could be corporate spionage.

I haven't mentioned it before but the way you write the passage of time, with short snippits to show significant moments or changes, is very good. It really gets across how not everything happens in short order, how events can have far reaching effects and how change can happen slowly. It also helps you feel that time has passed and the world isn't static.

Once Bravo had his first impression of Patho, he really didn't bother updating his opinion unless other players made him. Bravo wonders what it could take to loose an eye, and there is something that can do that. In some of the worldbuilding posts it's mentioned that Martyn lost one eye, and Grian both of them, to Watchers. It would make sense that an experienced player would be recruited, but it could also just be an coincident. Bravo disapproves of the fangirling towards Patho, but I wouldn't be surprised if he once was a big fan of Etho. Legendary overworld redstoner and all that. (IRL during April Fools 2013, Etho was famous enough to get his own Minecraft block) The manner Patho let's Bravo know that he doesn't like to be touched is way over the top. Patho is another interesting character, but one of those that I'm very glad of that he's fictional. At the same time it's sweet of Patho that he is very much willing to educate others and share his knowledge.

I like the touch that the first two times the portal is lit, it has everchanging colours. Like the Hermitcraft portal Tango went trough. And it's later explained that inter-world portals have unique color-paterns, depending on their destination. So Tango is still on Hermitcraft in the early attempts. After that it switches to the red-yellow-green of the Traffic SMP/Life Series.

Bravo almost shows some critical thinking and empathy when he finds the Tango Tek farm, but it's immediately ruined when Atlas shows up. I hope Bravo gets nightmares about this when he finally learns how to self-reflect. Bravo's sarcastic reply on whether he has said his goodbyes is telling. He could have made friends if he had wanted to, I'm sure. The scientist had been welcoming and curious about him, and as a redstoner himself it's not as if they had nothing in common. That's a good base to build upon.

His first moments in ten years in the overworld are beautiful. Though Bravo has very many flaws, I do have sympathy for him gotten trapped in Hels. But not for anything else at the moment.

Jimmy reflecting on getting to know the Hermits is fun and wholesome. The little things he has learned about Tango, the thing he seems to love most about him, seem to be mainly related to being a blaze hybrid. All the things that are just Tango. That makes Bravo's claim that he should have been Jimmy's soulmate just plain wrong.

The whole conversation between Jimmy, Tango and Bravo is amazing. Jimmy is trying to figure out what is going on and all is knows for certain is that the person he loves is scared and hurting. And once again Bravo almost seem to realize the universe isn't as black and white as he though it was.

And then the fight! Tango's terror and fight response. Jimmy's terror. Tango's shutdown when he realized that he hurt Jimmy. Just wow. And Jimmy's reaction to seeing Tango freezing up is pretty much forgetting he is on fire because Tango needs him! Poor, poor Tango. Bravo clearly sees himself as a good guy by taking back his rightful place and trying to help Jimmy, not realizing that for Jimmy he is the villain and the leader of the group that invaded the Ranch and is kidnapping his boyfriend. And Jimmy placing himself between the invaders and the portal, knowing he can't win is a beautiful show of his care, courage and determination. These guys have very shallow definitions of strength and weakness.

The Cavalry arrives! And the announcing their presence with the horns is very much Double Life. I know that battles are hard to write, but you did an amazing job with it. It's definitely chaotic with much going on, but it's clear to read and good to follow. Every Lifer does their part in the battle and everyone has their own fighting style.

Was Bravo so angry of Atlas that he tried to follow him back to Hels? The place that he tried to leave for ten years? The moment the portal breaks he is surrounded by overworlders. He can blame the battle going wrong and the mistrust of the players on Atlas, but they give Bravo a chance to explain himself and he messed that up all on his own. And Bravo has seen they are pretty much what he thinks overworlders should be. It's a server where they don't grief bases, where they work/fight together, where they defend each other, where they ask questions and don't immediately attack. (Outside the battle, but that doesn't count, they saw their servermates in trouble.) But they don't welcome Bravo as one of their own. They restrain him and mistrust him. They don't see him as different from the other players that came trough the portal. ("What did you guys do to him", emphasis mine) They hear his explanation but don't believe him. They dislike it so much they kill him, meaning this time he is send to Hels and it's not a fluke or mistake. It's overworld players wanting him gone.

I don't think he realizes this, not at first at least, he has his mind on other things. But once he has time to process what happened? It has got to hurt, even if he doesn't admit to himself he was wrong. I think it all does help later with Tango's words finally reaching him.

Jimmy's fear of not knowing were Tango is when the portal is broken is so real. So is the relief on knowing he's still (physically) with them. Scar being the one to shoot Bravo feels right. Scar has a goofy and easygoing demeanor, but he is very capably and not someone who you should cross, and Bravo did that by saying nasty things about his friend.

It's a relief that Bravo has finally up enough to stop working with Atlas. Progress? His fight against the hired muscle parallels the fight Tango had in brutality, as much as he might deny it. and slicing his own neck is brutal as well.

I'm still not sure how to feel about the Bravo/Timmy reunion. I'm happy that Timmy isn't alone anymore, that he is with someone who has been, not quite nice, but at least polite towards him. At the same time Bravo isn't doing this for the right reasons, he later admits as much himself. He is using Timmy as a substitute for Jimmy. Thing is, he doesn't know Jimmy. Is he really so hung op over the whole 'should-be-soulmates' thing over a stranger? I don't get it, and that could very wel just be a me problem. But he does want Timmy around, even if he's not Bravo's first choice. Since Bravo stepped through the portal that was supposingly taking him to Hermitcraft, Timmy might have been the only one that has been there for him. Timmy was the one who explained Hells to him, without trying to manipulate him. He has been welcoming to him. He has been the one who showed sympathy when Bravo died. The only thing Timmy wanted was not to be alone, but he didn't force that. I hope Bravo's biases don't blind him towards all that.

And that final sentence. If he can’t have the sun, he’ll learn to love its shadow. I know I haven't been the only one going crazy over that. That one sentence it saying so much. I've also have been (over)thinking what that makes Timmy, symbolism wise. The sun doesn't actually have a shadow, being a light source. But there is one thing, it isn't a real shadow, but there is something that is a lack of sunlight. If Jimmy is the sun, Timmy is the night sky. Both are beautiful on their own.

Back to Double life and their aftermath of the battle. I like that you fully wrote the aftermath. Things like this often get skipped or summarized. Now things have calmed down a little, the players have room to feel their exhaustion, their fear, their pain, to become more aware of their wider surroundings and to start figuring out what actually happend. It seems that no matter the universe, the Ranch is destined to burn down. It's sad to see, especially with how warm and cosy you had written the place. And ofcourse Etho and Joel have water buckets, with that clutching trick they love doing.

The state Tango is in, is heartbreaking. No one seems to be sure how to handle that situation, except Impulse, but that might just be appearances. Impulse and Jimmy have a very similar comforting warmth around them, I'm not sure how to call it. So, while Jimmy might feel useless (and the 'intrusive thoughts' aren't helping), I don't think he would have done a bad job with helping Tango. But Impulse has known Tango for years, and has some experience. And he didn't just went through the things that Tango or Jimmy just did. Jimmy's comment about the lights show that he does know Tango, no matter what he thinks. It's interesting that the comments from the Watchers right after are ambiguous in whether they are directed at Jimmy or Impulse.

You cannot sleep, there are monsters nearby. That sentence fills me with dread ever time I read it. It's a dread probably every survival minecrafter knows. And for that sentence to be directed towards Tango is devastating. Luckily Jimmy knows just wat to say to pull Tango out of it. The whole conversation after feels beautifully sad and vulnerable and raw. And it's once again devastating that Tango still feels that he has to be strong in front of Jimmy and only let's himself cry when he thinks there's no one to see it. But Jimmy is not doing nothing, he is being Tango's shoulder to cry on, an that is worth a lot.

The game-chat log of the battle is a fun read. It's very bare-bones, due to it's nature but it gives a good overview and a good indication of how the other Lifers reacted. You have a very good grasp of how you can use the chat in the story. Also, good job Bravo, you did the impossible and make Jimmy hate someone.

Tango's desperate attempt to avoid talking about what happend is painful, and it doesn't exactly work when other players were actually there to witness it. He's still afraid of being rejected because of the truth. And when de finally talks about his past he uses the word 'evil' to describe the players of Hells multiple times, he really believes it. Of course, his friends know better. I like how mad the Lifers are about Tango's past, how offended they are for his sake. And Tango's fear of they kicking him out never crossed their minds.

Whether or not it makes sense for this AU to have a concept of years, I'm glad they exists because it makes it much easier as a reader to keep track of time and of a player maturity. Gradual growth isn't really a thing in Minecraft, so it could even work as kind of sub-growth-stages between player children, teens and adults.

Another vulnerable conversation between Tango and Jimmy, with Tango admitting things he probably never said out loud before. But how bad is it really if he found a healthy way indulge in his questionable desires? And it's not like death is permanent. I can't argue with Tango saying he's messed up, but that's the trauma, not an inherent part of him.

I don't think he has deceived and lied as much as he thinks he has. His friends seemed to realize that Tango had a traumatic past and that some things set him of. They knew Tango didn't want to talk about it so they didn't ask. And he may have hidden his past and a part of his personality, but that was mostly lying by omission. Were the parts of his personality he did show false? Did he not want people to have fun with his games? I highly doubt that.

And it's not as if he's the only one with questionable personality traits on this server. In chapter IV Pearl gave him a bucket of powdered snow so she wouldn't succumb to the temptation of torturing her own soulmate, for example. Nobody is perfect, don't try to live up to an impossible standard.

The good thing about Tango saying all his insecurities aloud is that others can point out he's wrong, and Jimmy let's him know very clearly. Tango seems to be so surprised about it. He never considered his fears being wrong.

All things considered the Ranchers seem to handle the burned out ranch well. They're sad about it and Tango feels guilty, and that makes sense, but no anger or panic or deeply repressed feelings. Progress? Jimmy's comment about liking to wear the gloves is cute. Him not giving them back to Tango is also saying that Tango doesn't need to hide his claws, or himself. I thinks Tango is starting to understand that, even if he has trouble believing it. Same with all the players showing up, Tango sees that the truth about him hasn't scared them off.

I guess that there have been times that all the hiding was too overwhelming at times. Those probably moments Tango looked for Hels. If he was there wouldn't have to keep lying to his friends. He would have felt so much guilt, especially after learning that he had a counterpart that was probably trapped there. So it's a good thing it doesn't show up.

The similarities and differences between Patho and Etho explaining the portals stuff are fun. They have different experience with portals and different tools to work with, but they figured it out. And Patho isn't willing to give up one redstone ore block, while Etho is willing to get up and look for one with a friend.

Every time Tango mentions something about his past in Hels, Impulse seems to be in conflict to be a comforting presence or to be in righteous furry. It's hard to blame him. It's nice to see Impulse and Jimmy kind of team up to try to help Tango work trough everything.

I'm not sure how firewalls and whitelists work (or don't work) in combination with hacked portals. I'm also not sure how those exactly work. Then again, I know it's more important that they work than how they work. My brain just wants to understand it.

Tango, I get that you want to protect your friends but going into Hels alone isn't the solution. That way they at least get hurt by your actions and you actually encourage them to make unprepared, desperate attempts to get you back. If Tango had succeeded in breaking the portal, the Double Lifers would still try to follow. Since they know Bravo met Etho's counterpart, they would probably open a portal with his data. That would definitely have been interesting, but that would not have been good.

Thankfully, Jimmy is there to prevent all that. It's good to see that he stands his ground when Tango wants to cut others out, even though Jimmy has his own insecurities to deal with. And he already followed him to Hels, so of course Jimmy wouldn't think twice about following Tango into a trap.

Bravo has so many villainous vibes. It's a miracle he hasn't noticed it yet. He has figured out why they are here, but at the same time doesn't seem to realize they are here to help. And the hypocrite is calling Tango a monster for his temper, while he started the fight because of his anger. Bravo is a very good fighter, we've already seen, he's been in much tougher fights against much more experienced fighters. So it's not that surprising that the Ranchers lose.

Even after they lose Bravo keeps on hurting Tango with actions and words. It's no wonder that Tango realizes that the personality trait he hates so much about himself -a thing that makes him believe that he deserves all the bad stuff- is something he inherited from Bravo. It's something he only has because it comes from his 'better' counterpart. And that realisation gives him wat he needs to get through to Bravo.

Bravo's breakdown is beautiful to watch. You can see his whole beliefsystem falling apart and him having nothing to keep up his mental strength. It's so well written. For all the wrongs he's done, I never saw him as an evil person. Arrogant, biased and misguided, yes. Even so, he came to Hels with a strong sense of justice but he had to spend so much energy on just surviving that somewhere along the way he had to give it up. One can only have a survival mentality for so long before things have to give.

Tango understanding what Bravo must have been trough heartwarming. And I'm very much with him on this. Him embracing and accepting Bravo and Bravo finally accepting him is great. And now it's time for Bravo to begin his redemption arc. I absolutely love redemption arcs and -though I don't think Bravo's finished at the end of the story- this is a good one.

Timmy and Jimmy meeting each other is pretty much the opposite of Bravo and Tango meeting. No mistrust or hostility at all but mostly awe. It's nice how Tango describes it in his point of view. Timmy admitting he understand why he isn't good enough is just so sad. He knew Bravo couldn't fully accept him as he was, and he sees that his doppelgänger looks much better than him (rather objectively, being healthy beats being unkept and skin-over-bones). Jimmy basically goes all 'protective big brother' over Timmy, it's great. It's a relief that Bravo learned to (or at least started to) see Timmy as his own person.

The last scene of chapter X. It was so frustrating to wait to see wat happened next. Bravo seemed to be on Tango's side, so it would probably be a ruse. At the same time, it wouldn't have been the first time if Bravo had lost his temper and stopped being smart. I'm rather new in the fandom side of Minecraft Youtubers, so this was the first chapter I came across and the first time I had to wait for an update. I found it after someone reblogged some of Lunarcorwn's art (along with a tiny excerpt) about this chapter. I was immediately fascinated, and after the intro comic, I was sold.

The start of the next chapter doesn't give immediate resolution to a first time reader. Bravo is definitely convincing. He has to be, Atlas is not easily fooled. But knowing what's going on there seem to be small tells in how Bravo acts. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. Bravo's aggression looks like anger but is probably his newfound guilt and insecurity. He only talks to answer Atlas' questions, his speech seems more to the point while at the same time he uses more filler words.

It's interesting to see Bravo trying to trust Tango and Jimmy, while at the same time having learned to be distrustful of everything. He's really going back and forth between the two. Thankfully, Tango is understanding and shows him grace. Why does Bravo tense up when Tango mentions his friends won't attack on sight? Had he forgotten that overworld players don't tend to do that? It would probably be painful for him to realize there are things he has unlearned or forgotten.

Poor Timmy probably hasn't interacted with more that one person in ages. The Double Lifers must be very much overwhelming, especially since many of them aren't exactly low-energy players.

It's Tango's job to make sure his friends don't go with a bad -but easier- plan? Talk about role reversal.

The conversation between Bravo and Timmy by the portal is nice. I like whatever kind of relation they have, messy as it is. I'm not saying it's good, but it's interesting to read about. They each have many issues. Bravo is now aware of that, but I'm not sure if Timmy is. I'm not even sure Timmy knows what a healthy relationship looks like. They both care about each other and I think they could help each other out. But at the same time, Bravo has anger issues and biases against Hels players and hybrids and Timmy is both and probably wouldn't set any boundaries. At this moment them being together could either be healing or toxic. So I get Bravo's hesitance.

Jimmy's hostility towards Bravo is so odd to see. It's so unlike him, though it's fully earned. Tango and Bravo sharing their braincells while coming up with a plan is fun, especially since Tango has to tell his friends that every time that, yes, he is on board with what Bravo says.

I admire Tango's courtage to enact the plan. Then again it's in a way a variant on Tango's earlier plan to sacrifice himself, now it's only temporary. It's no wonder he looses his nerves and fully panics at the last moment when he is actually faced with the machine that caused most of his suffering. Once again: poor guy.

Bdubs has a point about Bravo calling others bad, but Patho literally disemboweled him so I think Bravo is being fair in his case. As for instinctSV, he barely appears in the story, so that's hard to say. But I don't think you get to lead a company in Hels by being trusting and charitable.

Grian and his Watcher abilities! This is a great moment to use his powers, especially since he so hesitant to use them. And he and Jimmy are right, this is not the moment to explain it all. This is the second time that Grian uses his silent 'Watcher voice' in a group meeting and this time there is an extra Listener around. Grian's secret is all but out.

Grian getting Mumbo to come with him with some crazy but true explanation somehow sounds like a very Grian thing to do. I love your portrayal of Mumbo. It's been a lot so it's no surprise that he needs a moment to wrap his head around it. Mumbo is a good friend, keeping how he helped/helps with Grian's eyes a secret. And Grian turned up on his redstone world? Wouldn't that be single-player? How did Grian manage that? And it's good to know that Grian told Mumbo what happend over time.

Something that stood out was that Mumbo stopped himself from tugging his mustache. The way it was worded was like a habit he tries to unlearn. It was also something Clear did but didn't seem to mind.

Tango finally understands he doesn't have to do this on his own and that he can rely on his friends. The warmth he has for the people around him here is so sweet. And he finally doesn't just want to confront his past, but actually wants to put it behind him. He still thinks that the "entire mess is solely his fault" (as if he asked for it) but he knows they will do whatever it takes to help him. "Is it really any wonder he learned how to be a good person just by knowing them?" Just beautiful! Though, is he seriously gonna give Jimmy a lecture about self-blame? That's just funny.

It's promising that Bravo corrects himself about the burned Ranch. Especially since nothing about it is even spoken out loud. He might have had a change of view, fully ingrained change requires more than that. But Bravo is willing to work on it. He does note himself that he wouldn't have been able to see Tango's influence on the interior.

It's entertaining to see how Bravo describes the Lifers, and Mumbo. The sentiment of wanting to kill Atlas is very understandable. Though Bravo is the Plan Guy, Jimmy is the leader here. He listens to Bravo because Bravo has the most expertise. But Jimmy is the one who the rest listens to, the one who keeps the conversation on track and the one who validates the plan.

Tango and Bravo realizing how much they both have changed due to were they have been living feels like something they needed. I like how they are now that they're not hostile towards each other. Bravo and Timmy's realisation neither of them is a builder is a fun parallel of Tango and Jimmy, and I'm glad Tango is there to watch it. It feels promising somehow.

Once again, Jimmy is being a leader here. Checking in, helping, dispelling fears. I highly doubt that Jimmy sees himself as a leader, though. The talk between Jimmy and Bravo is amazing. It just radiates growth and caring.

Tango in the farm. Oof. It's amazing how he is so close to drowning in despair, but still manages to find something to hold on to. And then he realizes he was strong enough to survive it all before, and that he is stronger now. It's wonderful how he let his good memories strengthen him, and that while he is currently living through his worst nightmare.

Clear not realizing Hels Tek is being invaded and said invaders being fine with Clear just continuing to do his own thing is really amusing. Clear 'recognizing' Grian is so sad. But Grian doesn't seem to have the instinctive recognition of his counterparts name, and later when said counterpart realizes Grians name, it's not his player name. That's interesting. I appreciate that Grian stays with Clear and I wonder what is said between them off screen. I hope Clear eventually realizes Grian is not Scáil.

The invasion of Hels Tak is a fun read. Overpowering the first guard went so smooth! Then the ravager just had to shake things up. It's nice that during everything, Pearl and Scott seem to have patched things up and are flawlessly working together now. Jimmy seems to notice a 'intrusive thought' cutting another off, noticing how odd that is, even if he doesn't understand wat it means. Bravo and Jimmy fighting in sync is awesome! What's also a difference between this fight and the previous is that Jimmy uses his wings while fighting. Something that wouldn't be fair in a friendly fight. Tango notices later that he fights way better when he does use his non-human-side, for Jimmy it might be the same.

It's so nice that Jimmy notices that Tango lost the fear he always carried with him. He handled the last hours in the farm well. The first time I read this part I was so worried that there wasn't any mention of breaking the respawn anchor. I couldn't imagine that they would forget while standing right in front of it. Luckily there was no need for a respawn. I had also been a little nervous about Timmy and Bravo, had they made sure they would respawn at Double Life if their spawn point got reset? (Is that even possible for Timmy with his Hells-comm?)

Sweet Jimmy does not tolerate his boyfriend being name-called. And sweet Tango won't stand for his boyfriend being hurt. They're cute like that. It's good to see that Tango being called a monster has lost its power to hurt him, no matter how hard Atlas tries. He's finally able to fully accept his mob-side. It feels good that the three of them manage to piss of Atlas so much that he finally cracks, giving Tango the closure he needs. And then what's probably the most satisfying punch in Hels' history, even inflecting permanent damage.

This is the first time Tango consciously reached out for his own fire, isn't it? His own firestorm is a beautiful thing. And powerful. I'm so happy for Tango! Atlas having to helplessly watch how Tango casually strolls to the portal is extra satisfying.

Atlas just sitting outside and letting his laboratory burn really shows how defeated he is. If he was any other person I would probably feel sorry for him. And why is he so surprised that Tango and Bravo are the ones that beat him? They're both smart people that know how he works and with plenty of reasons to hate him. Are they really that unlikely to bring him down? Or did he underestimate them because they don't have the authority to boss others around? Good thing Tango had his friends on his side and that Bravo understood the power of friendship.

And then bX has the pleasure of kicking Atlas while he's down. Must have been a great relief too, to let the hybrid-farmer know his life's work was done for.

Even for the Hermits that had known something was 'off' about Tango, finally hearing what happened must have been a shock, for the ones that didn't know yet. And for Tango it must be nice to be able to tell it on his own terms, this time. He probably knew by now that the Hermits wouldn't abandon him after telling the truth, but having conformation must still feel great. It's also great that talking about it is becoming easier.

Alisker and xB are very sweet together. Very different from how they interact with other people. I admire Alisker's long term plan and how successfully it played out. He really made sure Atlas' damage stayed limited. I just wish his plans hadn't required for Tango to be locked in the farm in the first place.

I think it's a wise choice for Bravo to take some time for himself. Processing and healing from everything that happened can be nasty, and at those times it's nice not needing to mindful of others. At the same time, part of me is worried he's gonna overcorrect himself or close himself off. I'm not sure how excluded different worlds are, and how much contact players can have through the multi-net, but I hope that Bravo stays in contact with at least Timmy. It's sweet that Bravo clearly cares about Timmy's progress as well and that he regrets they both have to take different roads to heal.

The progress Timmy has already made is wonderful to see. Not only physically, he questions Bravo's decision to go and voices his discontent. Gently, but still. It feels like he's learning how to stand up for himself. Timmy himself really wanting to grow as a person is very promising, especially as someone who represents his counterparts (*checks external authors posts*) passiveness and victimhood.

Dbubs first appearance in the main story! His and Patho's relationship is both so warm and unhealty. I love complex people and I love complex people being even more complex together, and this story is full of them! I also love it every time when players are having that instinctual recognition at the proof of existence of their counterpart on page, whether is just the name or meeting face to face.

I wonder why exactly Patho wants to leave. It's not he didn't know about them having counterparts. Why does it suddenly matter? Is it because they visited Hells? Because they visited Hells together? Because of the recognition Patho felt? Or is it something else?

False, seriously? I don't think having someone chained up like an animal is keeping you in Tango's good graces. And you basically told him it could wait until he got back, while you're holding your twin prisoner! There might be something wrong with Sym, but what's wrong with you? It sounds like an interesting story, and I definitely have questions.

Poor Scáil. His suffering might actually surpass that of Tango in the farm. And if he's been like this since he left Hels Tek, it's been more than a decade, considering they never met. How did he become like this? I know it's related to Grian almost becoming a (full) Watcher, but this can't be how this is supposed to go. And even Grian has control of his abilities. Scáil using Grian's Watcher name makes me wonder how how much player vs Watches they actually are. Grian, please check in on your counterpart.

Stress' way of talking is always fun. Her and Doc's origin is cool. And I'm curious what your interpretation of the Hivemind is. Doc not having a Hels is a big relief, considering Doc himself already loves creating game-breaking machines. That trait would be terrifying on someone with a Hels mentality, let alone an amplified version of that trait. I understand why they are conflicted about it, though.

I'm glad we finally see Instinct in person. I like him and the vibe he gives off. Atlas working for him is amazing, how far he has fallen! I hope Instinct enjoys bossing him around.

Tango making the video about Hels and how to get there surprised me when I first read it, even though it makes sense. A lot of Hels players will probably change for the better because of it. It might also wreck the Hels economy. Overworld players could give their counterparts a way out, or provide them with resources that are easy to get in a normal world.

I have so many questions about it all. Can mobs travel through portals? How would it work when someone creates a portal in a creative world? Could they just spawn in rare items (elytra's or even things like spawn eggs) and bring them to Hels? Can counterparts create hacked portals when both of them are at different places in Hels? If so, that would create fast-travel. That would be especially valuable in such a giant world.

It would probably kind of sting for Bravo to see the video. Everything he needed to know and took him a decade to figure out, quickly explained in one video, uploaded not long after he finally escaped. Not that I think he woud disagree with uploading it, it's just, where was that when he needed it?

The idea of Bravo seeing Tango's video is interesting. Bravo could see all the videos Tango made while he was trapped in Hels. All the inventions and games (first Decked Out) that Tango created, all the projects he worked on with other Hermits. Tango could see the ones that Bravo made before they switched places. He could see how Bravo acted before Hels crushed him, the friends he had back in the day and how young he was when he got trapped. I wonder if they do that, and how it influences how they see each other.

It's very nice how you worked Steve, Herobrine and Alex in this universe. Does the Hels firewall being down also mean that overworld comms now work there properly? Herobrine being Hels former admin makes sense, as the first counterpart, though I hadn't expected it. It's nice that there won't be new player condemned to spawning in Hels.

The scene with Jimmy and Tango is just lovely. The cuffs and everything they stood for were so loaded for Tango. I'm glad he's finally able to take them off, and that Jimmy understood how much it meant for his soulmate.

I love how the last paragraph is inspired by the end credits poem. And I love how it both does and does not breaks the forth wall, and the things it explains. It's a nice touch that it's in-story explained by Aqua and Lunar.

-----

And that was it. For the main story anyway. I've also read the short stories from the Hels To Pay universe, but I leave that for another time. Maybe. I liked writing this but I've had enough for now. If you actually read all of this, you have my uttermost respect.

[hard-core-super-star]

A request for hailee x reader. Reader is Hailees' main backup dancer. There are edits of the two over the years, fans speculate that the two are together due to the tension between them in said edits and videos.

one step forward, three steps back [H.Steinfeld]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x reader

summary: when hailee tries to convince you to ride the publicity wave and appear in her new music video, you’re forced to accept the truth of your feelings for her.

warnings: the weirdest mix of angst and fluff you've ever seen; stubborn idiots arguing instead of being honest; quite possibly the most dialogue i've ever written for one fic; one mention of the JA stunt because i am still bitter about it

wordcount: 1.6k

a/n: rubix stop mentioning sunkissing in everything challenge. don't mind me, just trying to manifest hailee's music back to life...pun absolutely intended. [ever write a song so gay you have to go into hiding as soon as it comes out? i'm sure taylor swift knows the feeling all too well] anywho, i got a little carried away with this one and it shows. hope you enjoy <3

* * * * * * *

If someone had told you your entire life would be flipped on its head just from a few short video edits and a trending hashtag you would have called them mad. Unfortunately, Emily Dickinson had a point when she said,“Much madness is divinest sense.”

The ‘madness’ in this case was the sheer amount of people who had started spreading the before-mentioned videos around and the ‘sense’ being your incredibly obvious feelings for the person who was essentially your boss. It’s a bit of an oversimplification, and the biggest reason you have not to tell Hailee the truth, but the point still stands.

You still have no idea how things got blown so out of proportion since the speculation around you two has been swirling around since day one. Clearly, not having any new music projects to focus on has driven her fans into madness.

It would be fine…if you and Hailee were still on speaking terms.

Are you being dramatic? Maybe a little but your friendship or relationship or whatever the hell it was that you two had going on at some point isn’t what it used to be. The blame isn’t entirely on her but your own bitterness about the situation tends to cloud your judgment sometimes…okay, most of the time.

Right now is a perfect example of it.

You’ve been staring at your phone for what feels like hours, mentally debating if you should give in and reply to Hailee’s text. You really, really, don’t want to but what other choice do you have? It’s not like you can ignore her forever, you’ve already promised her you’ll join her on her next tour, whenever it finally happens.

You decide to suck it up and agree to meet her for coffee. The last thing you need is to be seen hanging out with her right now but you’re sure it’s all part of the plan. A plan that probably didn’t come from the singer herself, but rather from the group of people who act like they want the best for her but are really just trying to sell her image like it’s a product.

Because who cares about morals and dignity as long as you get streams on your music, right?

You shove your bitter thoughts out of your mind for now and focus on getting ready to see Hailee again.

The hours simultaneously feel like seconds and eternity and before you know it, you’re sitting at a semi-secluded table in a random coffee shop with your knee bouncing up and down like there are ants crawling up your pants. No amount of breathing exercises or grounding techniques can stop your heart from hammering in your chest from the mere thought of the brunette.

You’re not sure what she wants from you, you just have a bad feeling about it. Although maybe that’s your broken heart talking, you can’t be sure.

You notice her the second she walks in and you do an awful job at pretending you’re looking at something on your phone instead of her. You act like you can’t see the smile on her face from this distance just like she acts like she can’t see you. Both of you look ridiculous but neither of you mind.

She finally joins you after another eternity of waiting and despite all the questions that are swirling around in your brain, you force yourself to wait for her to go first.

“I need your help with something.”

After months of not talking to each other, that’s what she leads with. You would complain about her lack of greeting but you’re grateful she’s getting right to the point so you can wrap this up and go back to avoiding your feelings. “That’s a bold start.”

She rolls her eyes, more out of habit than anything else. “It’s been five seconds, are we going to fight already?”

“I guess that depends on what you want me to do,” you reply.

“I want you in the SunKissing music video. We finally got the green light for it and it’s the perfect way to take advantage of all the buzz around the two of us.”

You can’t help but wonder if she’s joking. The ‘buzz’ around you two is just people speculating and piecing together the history Hailee has spent so long ignoring and rewriting. History that’s filled with arguments. bitter kisses, unspoken confessions and stolen glances.

You force the memories out of your mind. Along with the weird ache you feel every time you focus on Hailee’s eyes.

“Me dancing in the background of your music video isn’t going to be a trending topic, Hailee.”

She shrugs. “It will be if we kiss.”

“You’re joking,” you say, unable to hide the way her words take you by surprise.

“I’m serious.”

“You’re choosing now to come out? You think this will make everyone forget about your little stunt with the QB?”

Your mention of the New York stunt hits her hard and if you’re being honest, that’s exactly why you brought it up. You’re not interested in turning your private life into Hailee’s next big scandal. Even if it means pissing her off until she changes her mind.

The way she clenches her jaw is all you need to know you’re not going to like her next words. “It’s not a coming out. It’s an acting project.”

“You’re never going to change are you?” You ask, not sure whether to be impressed or disappointed by her idea.

“Come on, y/n.” She leans forward and places her hand on top of yours. You half-expect a camera flash to accompany the action but you seem to be safe for now. “You know you’re the only person I trust with this.”

Her words would be cute if you hadn’t fallen for them already. Multiple times. It’s always been the same way with her. She gives you a few months of her attention, makes you believe your unspoken affections aren’t one-sided, just to rip it away from you the second you think you’ve made progress.

“You’re the last person in this room who should be talking about trust.”

“Oh my God!” She leans back, her hand slipping away from you and taking any hope of avoiding an argument with it. “When are you going to let that go?”

You’re not even sure what she thinks you’re upset about this time. The list is so long, she could be referencing anything and be completely right. And yet somehow, you’re the one who’s in the wrong for still being upset.

“When you apologize for being a piece of shit,” you say as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Which it is. To you, anyway.

The brunette across from you clearly doesn’t feel the same. “That’s unfair.”

“Leading someone on is unfair, Hailee.”

“You are so stubborn. How the hell did I ever sleep with you?”

You can’t tell if she’s joking or not but either way, you don’t want to hear another word from her.

“I’m leaving,” you say as you rise to your feet, ignoring your half-finished drink and the flash of regret that passes through those brown eyes you can’t help but love.

“Shit, shit, y/n, wait!”

“I already did wait or did you forget about that too?”

You don’t give her a chance to answer instead choosing to ignore her rushed apology and walking away like you should have done when this whole conversation started.

You make it about six feet away from the entrance when you hear Hailee’s voice calling after you. “Will you do it if I tell you it was my idea?”

It’s a desperate attempt for your attention and yet you fall for it all the same. Everything inside of you is telling you to leave but you can’t. Not when you’re this close to getting her to be honest with both herself and you.

“If it’s the truth,” you respond with your back still facing her.

“It is.” The scent of her perfume overwhelms you as her hands grip your waist. You fight back the urge to move away from her and allow her to turn you around to look at her. “I told my label it would be good publicity but honestly…I just really miss you.”

You can’t stop yourself from laughing. The sound comes out softer than you thought possible. “You couldn’t call like a normal person?”

“We’re not normal people, y/n,” she says, the ghost of a smile lingering on her lips. “You know that better than anyone. You know me better than anyone.”

“Do I?”

She takes a step closer to you and you hate the way your eyes instantly drop down to her lips. It’s an instinct that no amount of time away from her can rewrite. “Let me prove it to you. Please.”

“You’re not going to fix this with a few kisses, Hailee.”

There’s an unspoken promise in her eyes. One that says she’ll kiss you as many times as she has to until she proves you wrong. And you have no doubt that she will.

Her hands move up from your waist to cup your cheeks. Her movements are slow and careful almost as if she’s waiting for you to change your mind.

In a way, you do because whatever remaining doubt you had about your feelings for the brunette fades away in an instant. You push away all your hesitation and close the gap between your lips.

It’s the sweetest kiss you’ve ever shared. It’s full of almost inaudible sighs, gentle touches, and the overwhelming truth of your desires. Mainly, the desire to keep going.

“One chance,” you whisper as you pull away. “I’ll help you with the music video. I’ll let you in again. Don’t make me regret it.”

“Promise.”

You’re about to tell her not to make promises she can’t keep but she kisses you again before you get the chance to.

[mvmnbnv]

As much as I'm scared for Vi in season 2, I think it's pretty easy to get into her head and motivation this season, and as much as it pains me to say that, why she would latch onto Cait at first or why she would then push Loris away.

Like, she lost her whole family in one day then was stuck in a prison where the only thing keeping her going was Powder. I can't imagine how much she tortured herself over what happened that day, how much it ate her alive. She's such an emotional person but she's so repressed at the same time and I feel that she runs away from them by focusing on everything but herself so she doesn't have to really self-reflect beyond the feelings of guilt.

So when she finally recognizes that Powder is Jinx at the end of season 1, she loses the reason that kept her alive for so long. She's lost and because so much is happening around her, so much has changed and she's still catching up, that she still doesn't take the time to think about her wants and needs.

With Cait, she grew close to her because she was shown comfort and understanding for the first time in who knows how long so she latches onto that. It gives her a new purpose. I'm assuming that she loses herself in that new goal, in part because she feels so guilty for not stopping Jinx from shooting at the council and killing Cait's mom.

We know that Vi used to beat up people and talk about Powder all the time in prison. I think the pitfighter clip mirrors that with VI beating up people and hallucinating Cait. Both moments are still a culmination of all the traumatic shit that happened to her in a short amount of time. I think that this time, instead of it resulting in a stagnating arc, we will see the opposite and she will grow a lot.

One can only hope. I hope that something happens to where she will grow to understand that she can only do what she thinks is right atp. I've talked about it before but she's in no position to please anyone right now, and the best she can do is decide what she thinks is best. I also hope that with all these changes that she has yet to catch up to, she just accepts that things change, no matter how bad they are. Kinda want her to just have a kinda "fuck it we ball" attitude about things, especially when everytime she tries to do right by someone it just ends poorly lmao.

To add on: as far as loris is concerned, I hope she also latches onto people that care for her and look out for her like he did. Hope she learns to keep people around to care instead of staying on toxic relationships because of her guilt

[paper-mario-wiki]

since you play Fallout 4 without fast travel and with an emphasis on immersion, have you played or considered playing on survival mode? because like, I'm someone who doesn't care for survival mechanics in games much at all, but I love Fallout 4's it's honestly really well implemented and honestly feels like it could be the intended experience, everything is just that much more immersive and surviving the Commonwealth feels that much more rewarding as a result. i'd say, maybe at least give it a chance if you haven't, it really is a game changer

I spent most of yesterday doing all the Institute quests and finishing the main campaign since Dana had been trying to do something without confronting them directly, but eventually she decided there was no other way. I did a BUNCH of quests in a short amount of time, and it took a few months of in-game time that went by in a few hours, which I decided the canon reason for was Dana knowingly putting herself in the most dangerous position in the entire Commonwealth, working as a Railroad double agent in the institute while under heavy scrutiny, and so a lot of it was happening all at once and pretty impossible to process. For this time she had to leave Piper behind for a few months, as she didn't want her getting hurt, and all of this pressure and responsibility was an extreme toll on her, resulting in her memory of her time working for the Institute being a blur.

There was a really powerful character moment while Dana was in power-armor, walking out to capture a synth for the institute, very rainy and dark on an overcast night walking through a field way out of town, and a couple of raiders tried to ambush her. And as she stood still there, watching through her rain-covered visor, letting them strike her with their pool cues and having their .38 bullets ricochet off of her advanced stolen military hardware suit of armor, she reflected on how a year ago, when she came-to, these guys were the biggest of her problems. She used to get a kick out of scheming around these guys and outsmarting them. But now, after caving in the skull of one of these two with a single swing of her baseball bat and looking at his terrified partner, still frantically swinging his crude weapon as before, but now with a much deeper desperation and fear, perhaps knowing that he's going to die over what he thought was going to be an easy score, Dana has a lot to think about. About how her heart is that of a Wanderer, but how sad and scared it made her that she may never be able to walk through the Commonwealth as an equal again. She wasn't scared of being famous, she knew word didn't travel like that for just anyone in the wasteland. She was just scared that she may never encounter anything that surprised her again, and that prospect was terrifying to her. The idea of being too complete in her understanding of the world.

Anyway, all that is to say: I think I'm nearing the end of Dana's story in the Commonwealth, and if I play again I've got an idea for a new character (a piece of shit) who is gonna be on survival difficulty!