#(i am not out to my parents irl)
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so many people I know are going to concerts. it's fine. im totally fine with not going to concerts who cares anyway right.
#first coldplay#then dua lipa#so many arijit singh sonu nigam sunidhi chauhan concerts#and now lollapalooza#i see so many stories everytime and each time im not a part of the crowd#i know I don't really listen to coldplay and the artists performing at lollapalooza#but it feels bad knowing that im missing out on the core experience of going to a concert#and i know with my luck that if artists I love like sabrina and olivia come here to perform#it would probably be during the time I have exams and so I can't go#or the tickets will be too expensive and my parents won't allow#or i would not be able to get tickets because some fucking idiots will get tickets instead just bc they want to#boast on insta by posting a story that they saw this artist#and im sure some of those people would be my old classmates who definitely don't know any song other than whatever went famous on insta#(this is about irl people btw if my mutuals here are going to concerts I am very happy for them y'all deserve it <33)
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i do not have the mental capacity rn to deal with the discourse i started skfkskfk
#no issue w people reblogging with polite disagreement#i’m just in a Mood bc of irl stuff#namely i am going on my first date ever#and my parents are saying i can’t date the boy bc he’s from pakistan#and they’re also saying i can’t go out of town for NYE#i am fucking 28!!!!!
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omg guys it’s me…
yeah have a meet the artist ref sheet :3
#stbart#smallturtlebombart#meet the artist#persona ref#reference sheet#turtlesona#my art#digital drawing#i will draw my main sona in different tmnt iterations (once i learn them)#yes i am Hispanic#it’s just that my parents didn’t force me to learn Spanish#and I don’t go out (im a gremlin)#i wish i had a senshi body pillow irl💔
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they hate me for my swagger
#its nice to look in the mirror and feel good =w=bb#somehow so good that you try pixelart fr for the first time and arent completely embarrassed by it#SHITT why do i never do eyebrows T-T i ALWAYS forget them mannn#its just not a part of the face i recognize as important.... despite them being very much so imo#too late now i dont wanna change itt#sillyposting#my work#waughh this is making me think i really need to get onto eyebrow piercingss#big part of feel-goods today was my jewlery and.... i need moree......#do you think if i ask for them for xmas my parents will let me??#actually wait who am i kidding “will they let me”. they dont have much choice. im wondering if theyll PAY for itt =3=#besides the basic earlobe my whole 4 other piercings were done with little of their knowledge#god i can not imagine how tf 17 y/o me had the BALLS to get facial piercings knowing my parents didnt approve#actually i can. that was not the worst thing i had to plague my mind during that time =3=p#ououoouuu i used pixelart.com again and im kinda glad i couldnt figure out how to create my own colours....#its good for my progress to be forced to stick with an (admittedly pretty large) colour pallet.......#even if it means my hair and my face kinda blend together.....#actually thats fine ive been thinking my head is wayy too red next to my hair irl soo =3=bb#yayy#floating head bc i couldnt be bothered.#actually i really need to start doing SOMETHING in the background i cant keep getting away with boring nothingness T-T#ughhh you mean i have to try??? do something new???? ewww
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Hm.
#blahblahdumbstuff#i am chronically online welp#please dont say stuff like#'oh you should go outside more!'#'you should spend more time with your irl friends!'#the thing is#tumblr is my safe place#and the friends i have here#are so much better than some of my irl ones#and i struggle in the real world#due to paranoia and the fact#that my parents are always with me when im out#and i cant go out by myself unless there are other adults#and im scared of my parents#and i find it better when im home alone#for hours straight on the holidays#because my parents still have to go to work#thats when i truly feel safe#and im supposed to also feel safe with my parents#but i dont
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Maybe I am autistic.......
#Reflection/semi-vent incoming#I just ranted in my head about how I hate that people don't make their tone clear on the internet#And how the line between jokes sarcasm irony etc. and genuineness have been blurred so much#I just want people to be clear and upfront about their feelings... Then I thought “hang on isn't this what autistic people are on about”#OBVIOUSLY this isn't exclusive to autism (or even a symptom of neurodivergency)#I've just been.. thinking. I've always wondered ever since my irl friend asked if I've ever considered myself autistic#Let me tell you a secret dear friend: I've always considered it ever since I was a kid#But when I brought that concern up with my parents they laughed at me and made fun of me calling me an attention seeker#And I've been forcing myself to not even think of the possibility that I'm neurodivergent anymore#But... maybe. Maybe I am. It's so scary to think about using the language on myself#I just wish I could figure this out easily and get a clear yes or no. I wish this was easier.#chris p fried what?!
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I have the opportunity to introduce myself to people as thomas irl next week and I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT
(tw vent incoming)
#im starting uni#and im so nervous#because I dont know what pronouns I use really#no-one's ever used anything other than she/her for me irl#and all the variables#i am a very private person you see#it took my best friend 3 years to learn that we had a fandom in common#because I just dont like discussing these things with people#which makes it extremely complicated because I know i have to come out to them immediately or wait years#there is no in between for my brain#god i WISH i was cis it would make everything 100% easier#I could use my old name but then I know I'd be lying and I'd feel shit until I told them#and ALSO THEYRE NEW PEOPLE so I dont know if theyre cool with that shit#but let me tell you I will be looking SO HARD for someone with pronoun pins to attach myself to#BUT AAAAAAAAAAAA#and im not out to my parents so how do i navigate that???#if my friends are calling me a different thing than my parents know me as????#(i already have a cover story its okay but AAA)#how do I explain that to them?????#also what if the first person I meet doesnt turn out to be a friend???#I mean I'd be okay with that but also I'd prefer only my actual friends called me thomas (and you guys obv)#FUCK#okay. okay Ive got to calm down.#it'll be alright.#AAAAAAAAa#okay okay okay#no you know what itll be fine#totally#haha#<- defo not trying to convince myself
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chat should I tell my irl friend I’m aroace
#lissi talk tag#I know she’ll be very supportive and she’s queer herself so it’s not like I’m scared she won’t accept me#but what I am scared about is that if I tell her more people will find out that I do not want knowing#Because they always do in this place even if neither of us yaps#or worse(?) my parents#Not like they’ll not be supportive but my plan is to just pass as a very annoyed allo until I’m a 100% sure it’s ok#Or until it’s necessary which I doubt it will ever be tbh#But i will very likely lose contact with that friend because like she’s been friendly with me and we have math together but like#She has her own “popular” group of friends and that’s fine#But I just want her to know before we inevitably drift apart but aside from that it’s not a good time entirely#She did earlier today mention ace and aro as separate concepts which is a win from anybody irl to me tbh#idk I need to sleep
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#freeze response is all well and effective until youve been sitting in the same position staring at the same spot for a solid ten minutes#goddddd i (nuanced) my parents. god fucking damnit i know they care i know the school cares but this is not a care that can be helpful to m#because i cant take an offered hand and i am too prideful to ask#and i hate to struggle in front of an audience! so i will live with my hate and fear and guilt and shame until enough time has passed#for me to be rid of them. i know i need help for fucks sake i of all people know best that i need help.#but every time i have seen a psychologist i have come out drained and angry and tired#and with everything going on. i dont want to waste myself on something that probably wont even help#if anyone irl finds out that i have npd or bpd i will get dragged through the muck for being Like That. the stigma is high enough.#nobody is going to be nice about it. obviously. every problem i have had is my fault. i self impose my own social isolation. (irl that is)#im not going to tell myself to a stranger who does not understand and will report my every move to people who care about/cause my pain#however the good thing is. they cant make me talk. the power of silence is excellent.#“[second deadname] dont you think you should get some help about that [redacted]? if there's a problem you should deal with it”#you cannot say that when every fight in this fucking family ends with me going to comfort my sister and dad going to comfort you#and then promptly pretending it never happened. you can't tell me not to ignore my problems you fucking taught me to#anyways. i am going to finish my homework and ragework on the mama animatic and probably pass out in class. again.#personal posts
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Trauma-versaries are no joke
#neither is arguing with your mom mid mental breakdown to get your point across#I love my mom#I really do#I am blessed for my relationship with her#but it’s a fight to get her to understand how some of her actions gave me consequences in adult life#‘I feel like I messed up as a parent because you’re not happy’ is NOT the thing to say to help me#I get that she has to beat it into me that I need to do more to help my case when it comes to making friends irl#but I’m still fucking mentally ill and burnt out#me being the forgotten child because I had to act like I was okay while my brothers were also going tf through it#so much touched on tonight it’s painful to go over everything#but merry Christmas I guess#here’s to always getting the fallout of my parents issues that are unresolved#amelia speaks
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long personal rant incoming 🫠 ignore
#why will my parents never say a good word to me when it comes to school#like i got 48/50 from a mock final exam before even revising half of the material and my dad said “you say it was easy yet lost 2 points”#leave me alone#i was so excited when i checked my results and they didn't care?? just brushed it off cause i said it was easy#well yes it was cause i have been studying regularly for the last 4 years#and it's always like that they'll also never encourage me to do anything more like they'll try to talk me down#i wanna choose maths as my major and then data science and noooo i am not smart enough for that and i will not have a job and not have money#idk what's their point like i said i won't study law which they want me to like 1836292 times#and im just so tired of them and my family overall like soon it'll be christmas time and it'll only go worse#i don't want to go through the annual do you have a boyfriend and you look so slim round of compliments#yes i look slim you dumb ass i hate how i look guees how i've gotten there#and my relationships are so bad#irl i literally have one friend who's moving out to another city in summer so yay!#i could go on but what's the point even#ignore#personal
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i think people on here assume that everyone has the same living situation they do
#hi (adult) teenage goth here. im disabled and cant go anywhere without my parents.#i have no irl friends becuz the last one moved away and cant drive due to disability.#even if i could walk places (disabled) i cant becuz the only way out of my neighborhood is a main street with nothing on it for fucking ever#my neighborhood doesnt have a park or anything either#i literally cant go anywhere without my mother being right next to me wtf am i supposed to ever do#also while at my age i could legally go to prison for life or join the army to shoot children and die i cant buy cigarettes or alcohol#how tf am i supposed to loiter and cause problems and shit lol#YES I AM RESPONDING TO A POST
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i love being queer i really do but my god it can be lonely sometimes
#my siblings are queer but other than that i don't have any close queer friends irl#i'm also not out to my parents#my sexuality they might understand but i'm bery certain they won't understand my gender#they love me but would they still love me if i told them who i am?#and like i really should worry about labels too much bc the word queer exists and that perfectly describes what i am#it just tells you that i'm not cis/het#i'm also not really out to my uni/dorm friends so yeah#they would probably be cool with that tho#(sexuality i mean gender idk bc idk how to explain my gender to people in dutch)#i'm not actively looking for a romantic relationship at the moment but like dating another queer perspn would make me a lot less lonely...#(kinda unrelated but i think i might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum ??? and possibly on the aromantic one as well ???)#this is why i love the word queer so much#it just tells you that i'm not cis/het#so like i rrally shouldn't worry about labels too much because the word queer perfectly describes what i am#queer#kj post
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my brother got turned down by a girl he ... has been referring to as his gf the past two weeks (? idk what went on there lol) and after my brother left the house my mum was kind of chatting w me about how hard it must be for young ppl these days to meet ppl and find ppl to date, and I was just kind of sitting there idly nodding along and wondering if she's ever thought about the fact that I've never been in a relationship before but all my siblings have 😭😭 two of them are in relationships rn and have been for over a year, and then this other sibling got dumped(?), and I'm over here like... 🧍 happily holding hands with fictional character....
#okay but i have technically been in a couple relationships but one lasted a week and the other lasted just under a month#and both were incredibly unhealthy and Very Bad for me so um. i havent been exactly eager to get into anything else fjdkdl#nobody in my family knew abt either one though djdkdl and thank god for that tbh#ANYWAYYY. i just wonder what my parents and siblings think abt it like. do they ever think abt it djdkdl#ngl ever since i started letting myself indulge in s.elfship stuff more I haven't been feeling terribly lonely so...#i think im good LOL#I'd Love to have smth irl but... i dont even have friends irl rn so DBDJDKL not gonna happen any time soon 😭#im honestly pretty content rn though shdkdl and i think w my abuse situation i wouldnt be able to have a Real relationship™#so Guz is good for me for now :] i am happy w what I've got djdkdl#yall if this doesnt make sense its bc i genuinely cannot focus rn fndksl I've zoned out like ten times typing this post LMAO#dandy.cmd
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