#(even more cause i had surgery this morning LMAO)

[vandalizedheart]

a cooler version of this: shadow not understanding her, as someone who's gone through it trying to/learning to cope with grief.

something soul-crushing for nikki (and fun for me) would be her meeting another sonic and him just... not understanding her, even if she explains her whole deal and what happened to her. worse would be him brushing her off/being dismissive, a la how he is with surge in idw.

[cameronspecial]

I saw you were looking for some angst ideas lmao

So rafe and reader are together. Loves her more than life but his addiction gets in the way of that. One night they have a fuming argument and she doesn’t talk to him for a few days. He then makes a plan for them to talk about it somewhere private at nighttime, but when she shows up he’s not there. She waits for him for a while then she gets attacked by the rafes dealers because he owes them money and she was the next bet. Rafe finds her and he’s freaking out but she won’t let him near her and she blames him. You can choose how this ending goes or if you even want to write this but this has been on my mind

You Deserve Better

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warnings: Drug Use, Swearing, Stabbing, Blood, and Death

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 2.1K

Masterlist

The centre of Rafe’s life wasn’t always the white powder that tumbled around the little Ziploc bag that lined his pockets. His centre is supposed to snort or wheeze a little whenever she laughs, refusing to use her inhaler because she doesn’t want to embarrass him. It will stay up past her bedtime because she is in a flow with her work. His sun crosses her eyeballs whenever he presses a kiss on her nose because she knows it would make him chuckle. Y/N Y/L/N used to be his rock and now, all because of an accident, she isn’t anymore. That is something not a lot of people know. They assume his addiction started because he was a bored rich kid who had the money to spare. However, in reality, it began with a torn ACL. One wrong shift of his leg and his football career was over. At first, the oxycodone was only to manage the pain from the ACL surgery. He had the hope that he could recover the way he needed to get back on the field, but then the news came that he wasn’t progressing the way his doctor wanted… That was when the problem started, suddenly the drug he was taking to help ease his physical pain became the one to take away his mental pain too. The pain of not being able to play football. The pain of missing out. The pain of not knowing where his life was going.

Don’t get him wrong, Y/N was by his side the whole time, except a person can’t be everything to someone else and he needed a therapist. He just wasn’t ready to admit that. It was only when he stopped being prescribed oxycodone that he turned to cocaine to fill the mental hole the prescription used to be for.

———

Rafe’s blown pupils are hidden by his eyelids as he lies back on the couch. Y/N is still out with her friends, so he isn’t sleeping. Not when she is not at home. The front door opening and closing makes him jerk forward. His eyelids are just a sliver because the light from the ceiling is too bright for him. Her footsteps approach the living room and the large sigh she lets out makes her arrival known. “You didn’t do the dishes,” she states, her hand resting on her jut-out hip. “And the hole in the hallway is still there.” Yesterday, Rafe, in a high state, accidentally made a hole in the wall when trying to put up a picture frame for her. He promised her before she left for work this morning that he would get what he needed to fix it this morning and in the afternoon, he would fix it. However, before he could get himself to the store, he saw a post from one of his old football teammates, who went pro and he spiralled. 

He doesn’t mean to roll his eyes, yet it happens and this causes her to let out another huff. “I didn’t get a chance to go to the store,” he grumbles like he didn’t care. He really did though. He wanted to be able to do something that simple for the girl who meant everything to him, except his mind seemed to disagree with his heart. It is easier to pretend it doesn’t bother him. Her eyes narrow in on the residue of powder on their coffee table, “Let me guess, you got your nose caught up in some business. Rafe, you promised me you wouldn’t do that shit at home.” He can’t keep looking at the way tears start to appear because he knows how worried she gets when he does drugs, always scared he might overdose. He looks anywhere but at her. “Don’t get on my ass about this again Y/N. You don’t know what I am dealing with,” he argues.

“I don’t and that’s the problem. You need to talk to someone about how you are feeling because you are going to put yourself in an early grave if you keep doing what you are doing now.”

“Seriously, we are going to argue about this again because I didn’t do the dishes or fix a little hole in the wall.”

“No, we are going to argue about it because you aren’t the man I fell in love with anymore and I don’t think if I can do this anymore. I want to be by your side to help you get better but if you don’t want to, then I don’t know if I can be here forever.”

Her words hit his ears at the same intensity as they would if he were sitting next to an airplane engine. They had arguments about his sobriety so many times before, yet those fights always had the underlying understanding that she would be there to help him. She never once mentioned the possibility of her leaving him because she truly did want to help him find his sobriety. His mouth falls open to talk. No words come out. How can he possibly swear that he wants to get better when he isn’t at the self-realization point in his journey? She takes the silence as an admittance that getting clean isn’t on his mind. “I need some time apart. I’m going to sleep at Deliah’s place tonight,” she informs, turning to leave. He doesn’t stop her; he wants to give her the space she needs in hopes that she realizes she can hold on for a little bit longer. The only word he can respond with is “Okay”, right before she closes the door behind her. 

———

She hasn’t answered any of his texts and calls. Her night of taking some space turned into a week and it is driving him crazy. Her non-existence return may have to do with his unwillingness to agree to go to a therapist. After the thousandth attempt at calling her, she finally answers the call. “Normally, when a person doesn’t pick up the call, it means they don’t want to talk to you.” He lets out an internal sigh, “I know, I just need to talk to you. Please, can we meet at our spot, Sunshine?” She could never resist the usage of his nickname for her. “Okay, meet me there in an hour,” she agrees. The call drops right after her response and he gives himself a small smile. Not only does he get to see her again, he gets to try to get her back. 

———

By the time she realizes she is being followed, she is alone under the bleachers, where she and Rafe used to spend their time in high school. It was where they found themselves when they didn’t feel like going to class or they needed to get away from the chaos after his team won a game. It was the place she fell in love with him in because even before they were dating when they were just friends, it was their spot. She spins around at the sound of grass being pressed down by a set of feet, ready to scold him for being late. It isn’t Rafe as she expected; instead, an average-height man with a dangerous air that scares her. The gleam behind his eyes tells her the bald man is up to no good, which is confirmed when he pulls out the hunting knife from his hoodie pocket. She steps back in an attempt to get away from him, but her back hits against a metal beam. The man rushes toward her and presses the sharp edge against the soft skin of her neck. “Your boy owes me money and since he is taking too long to get it back to me, I thought I would hold onto something precious to him until I get what I want,” the man explains with a wicked grin. She refuses to show him fear and looks him dead in the eyes, “Rafe’s dealer is Barry so I have no idea what you are talking about.” “He stopped going to Barry because Barry started getting on his case about how much he is using,” the male growled, not enjoying the bite to her bark. She chuckles like a maniac, “When Rafe comes, he is going to beat your ass.” “Shut up, Bitch.” Angered by his words, her knees find their target between his legs. 

He lets out a howl and doubles over in pain. She uses this as her opportunity to attempt an escape, trying to run past him. Unfortunately, he reaches out to stop her and this results in the blade driving into her abdomen. A gasp passes her lips, causing the dealer to look in her direction. “Shit.” His eyes bloom open and immediately begins to pull it out. “No. Don’t pu-,” she warns, except it is too late. The weapon is already out and he is running toward the exit. She hunches forward and stumbles back against the beam, pressing her hand to her stomach to keep from bleeding out, feeling as though she has been punched. Calling 911 seems to be the logical answer; however, when she goes for her phone, she finds it broken on the floor. She thinks about going to her car and is stopped by the feeling of even more blood gushing out of the wound as she tries to push off the beam. It doesn’t hurt as much as she thought it would. 

“Sunshine,” rings through her ears. Her dizziness makes it difficult to focus on the speaker, yet she knows who it is based on the nickname. She slides down the beam because her legs lose all their strength. Rafe rushes to her side and kneels beside her. “Shit, Sunshine. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I’m going to call the police. They are going to fix everything,” his voice breaks as his hand joins hers to stop the flow of his blood. She can hear him relaying the information to the dispatcher, but her body is telling her something Rafe isn’t going to be ready to hear. He places his phone on the floor so both of his hands can press on her abdomen. “They’re coming, Sunshine, just hold on. I promise. I’ll be here the whole time.” Her handshakes as she raises to his cheek, staining it with her blood. Her tears water at the edge of her bottom eyelid, “I don’t think I’m going to make it.” His head shakes vigorously. “Don’t say tha-.” She cuts him off, “Can you please just listen to me?” He nods to let her continue. “It was your dealer. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. Just to make sure he gets arrested. But I need you to know that you are more than just your addiction and football. I know you don’t think so, but you are and if you just realize that, then you will see the man that I fell in love with.” “I don’t deserve that though. Look at all the shit I put you through. You deserve more than a druggie as a boyfriend,” he cries, holding her hand against his skin.

She smiles up at him, “You deserve more too. You deserve to be truly happy. You deserve to try to find a new purpose in life. I want that for you.” “How can I find all of that if you are gone?” he questions. Her breathing begins to become laboured, “You’ll find yourself and once you grieve, you’ll find someone who can help heal your broken heart. That’s how.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. Please, don’t go. Will you please stay if I promise to get sober?” 

“I will be with you every step of the way.”

The words tear his heart in two. He knows what it means. She truly doesn’t think she is coming out of this alive. “I want you to see me get better though. Please. Just hang on a little longer.” His tears cloud his vision. When he doesn’t hear a response, he wipes his eyes to get a closer look at her. The world goes dark at the sight of her glassy eyes only reflecting back his face with no recognition or life behind them. The rise and fall of her chest have stopped. The universe decides to answer his calls for help at a cruel moment as he hears the siren finally approach. There is no use in their hurry if the person who needs saving is the one to do it because Rafe isn’t going to let her last words die with her. He is going to get better, not only for her but for him too. He deserves more than a life of chasing his pain away with drugs and he is determined to achieve that.

Taglist: @winterrrnight @loves0phelia @thelomlisrafecameron @wickedlovely121 @thepatriarchykeychain @drewsmusee @starkowswife @maybankslover @forstarkey @loving-and-dreaming @magicalyoura

[bitchapalooza]

It’s 2 the morning, might I present to you Cross (trans) Guild headcanons:

Mihawk has had both top and bottom surgery. He claims his top surgery was done by himself and indicated by the tone of his voice he is not joking. Evidence however suggests otherwise. Will he ever come out with the name of the surgeon who operated on him? Never, he enjoys the expression on people’s faces whenever he says he cut them off himself lmao. It’s really scary how unbothered he is when administering his own hrt.

Buggy unfortunately can’t have surgery of any kind but he’s lucky his devil fruit at least allows him the privilege of chopping off and reattaching his tits depending on if he really wants them in the moment. Being mid conversation with someone when a pair of honkers come flying by is very common on the Big Top and is no longer a shocker to the veterans of the crew. Newbies however freak out which Buggy finds hilarious so he keeps doing it. Because he can’t take shots, he uses testosterone gel—for which he has been banned from touching people for a few hours after because he’s really bad at applying it completely.

Crocodile chose not to completely transform his body, however it’s not like his body would allow Ivankov’s treatment anyway. It’s an automatic defense for his body to dissolve into sand when punctured—unless when under anesthesia. He was able to take a low dosage of Ivankov’s power before his DF powers took over; he still has the puncture scars. He’s had top surgery but finds phalloplasty to be far too risky. If he’s honest, even the top surgery was pushing his anxiety which would only cause his body to go into defense mode more frequently. He takes t-shots no problem. Though he wishes to train himself to be able to take Ivankov’s ability more in order to fully transform his body.

[everynya]

oc f/o ask game: emihiko

i rlly wanted to do these questions so i did them for my gay boy who i made in my head. yay. the original is here! i am a freak who does ask games without the asks! LMAO

💝 - what is your oc f/os love language (gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation, etc)? what kind do they give and what kind do they like to receive?

i’d say Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation are his love languages wether he realizes it or not. when people show him affection in return as he is very affectionate already, it warms his heart. it isn’t per say even like hugs and kisses, high fives and pats on the back are such small but meaningful things to him and he himself does it like all the time. romantically, physical touches melt him, like he really loves these soft little moments he could have with someone and as bold as he is, he gets shy sometimes with these things…

with words of affirmation, he’s always there to give a few to people and receiving them also means the world to him. he will always say stuff to his friends, reminding them that he’s their #1 fan. on the other hand, he genuinely sometimes doesn’t know how to process when people do the same. he’ll act like he isn’t surprised (saying stuff like ‘i mean…of course i am!’ or ‘well, it is me after all.’) but quickly drop it and get super flustered about honesty like that. people who openly speak out how they care for him make him excited cause no matter what they said he is surprised to hear someone actually say it to his face despite his own reassurances in himself.

🏀 - does your oc f/o stay active? do they like working out or playing sports? if so, what kind of exercise do they like to do?

he doesn’t go out of his way to be active, but i think he runs fast and likes it. maybe will try the gym every once in a while (probably just to either accompany a friend or ‘show off’ to people) and it’s okay to him, not like his ideal pass time or activity, but fun enough where he won’t give up quickly on it (maybe whines a bit if he has to do one he doesn’t like)…but i feel he would especially accompany ppl to the gym and even more when after he’s had top surgery.

sports wise, i think he’d like soccer and basketball? one sport he would not like is tennis. maybe also golf cause he got hit with the tiny ass ball as a kid or something.

🧸- what is your oc f/os sleeping habits? do they like to cuddle? do they sprawl out on the bed? do they kick the blankets off in the middle of the night?

he’s a very heavy sleeper to me, despite how sensitive he is to loud noises they don’t wake him up. you have to really shake him to get him awake, but he will always consistently wake up early in the morning.

he’s the kind to be sprawled a bit on the bed and get tangled in blankets, snoring occasionally and the moment anyone lays near him he curls up to them. emi would love to cuddle even in the worst heat, i think he really likes cuddling in a way he can look at the other person or bundle himself really close to them.

🌻 - what flower do you associate with your oc f/o? is there any particular reason, such as the meaning or the aesthetic?

i had to think about this, but i’d say he reminds me of daffodils! there is no big particular reason, but they do symbolize things that work for him such as joy, hope and rebirth. i say it was more the aesthetic.

🦎 - does your oc f/o have any pets? if not, what pet(s) would they want? is there a reason why they don't have them?

he doesn’t have any pets, but i feel like as a kid he would want a hamster? idk why, the thought is in my head and it’s funny. he wouldn’t have any pets for really no particular reason, just chose not to get any.

🌠 - what is your oc f/os zodiac sign(s)? do they follow the typical traits of their sign(s)?

he’s a Taurus, and i say some traits? he’s very loyal, artistic and determined which are traits i see associated with them sometimes.

🔮 - does your f/o have any talents? bonus points if it's something more niche/uncommon!

his biggest one is that he plays the guitar, in his teen years he’d really get into practicing it and love all kinds of music but connect the most with that instrument.

smaller talents i can’t think of any, but i’m sure there’d be some small stuff he’d be really good at.

🎀 - what aesthetic(s) do you associate with your oc f/o? bonus point if you make an aesthetic board for them!

i made a section for that in the info carrd i have for him, which is linked in the post with his name…my brain can’t explain his aesthetics.

🌈 - is your oc f/o queer? what labels do they use, if any?

he’s a trans man and bisexual! i love talking about his trans experience a lot, questioning his identity was a step in raising his confidence in himself. his close family is very supportive, they’d probably help him start t and have his surgeries as soon as he even suggests the idea and that takes time but as much as i say i hate him i want him to experience so much joy…so he’s had everything he needs from the few supports in his life and being trans is oh so important to him! (and me!)

💭- is your oc f/o a daydreamer? do they often get lost in their thoughts or are they more focused and aware of their surroundings?

emihiko is very much a daydreamer, not in the way he would lose focus of things around him but in the way he is always thinking of all kinds of things. whether it’s achieving his dreams or getting with his crush, he’s thinking so much of these moments where he just gets to experience what he wants. he can be a little selfish as a treat…

♟️- how smart is your oc f/o? is it academic smarts, emotional smarts, etc? where does your oc f/o thrive and where do they lack?

he generally has emotional smarts, academically i would say he is average but emotionally he is good at looking retrospectively into others emotions and handling his own. at times he has a difficulty with this, but i do believe he is pretty smart! despite how much i call him a dumb moron lol

[hell0kittyland]

VENT

Im actually so miserable on this second water fast I want to off myself cause like I’m stuck in this mindset where the second I eat I will erase in the span of 20 minutes DAYS of water fast suffering and it’s like I can’t ever stop I’m stuck and I wish I was normal.,. Where I was thin enough, like I kinda wanted food, not binge but i want idk a home cooked meal something like fucking wings or lasagna or something and I can’t have it cause it’s going to ruin everything, even a few bites… and it’s like I’m only 20, am I going to waste my 20s miserable? My body’s disgusting even if I loose the weight I have so SO many stretch marks I’m not kidding everywhere and I need to get them lazered off and I want a even skin tone and all this extra shit like plastic surgery slight tweaks to my face and weight is one aspect. It’s just sad even if I loose it, I still can’t wear crop tops and shir or low rise jeans cause of my extreme stretch marks that I already had since i was tall growing up (im 176cm) and then the huge weight gain in less than a year of like 25kgs or something caused an army to appear and then loosing fast caused more to appear and my body’s like permanently fucked. It’s sad cause I’m face wise pretty but like my teeth kinda fucked too so I need to pay for braces AGAIN and it’s UGH I’m poor my family’s poor my life’s in the shitter I’ll never get a boyfriend, the weight is like 10% of my worries but atleast I can wear idk cute skimpy outfits that don’t show skin like winter outfits with stuff like tights and long sleeve shirts or something. Anyways I’m just like depressed cause it’s like girl am I cursed? Ahhhejejeendjej I mean I want to be super skinny cause I want too so that’s a given but my life fucking sucks and I can see my 20s going down the drain from all this and then I’ll be a sad alcoholic / drug addict

Living like this makes me suicidal, I wish I was thin enough and skinnier where eating a meal didn’t do this to me… maybe in the mid to low 50kgs I can relax abit slightly and focus on maintaining the weight than loosing since that’s near my GW of 50kg. Wear as I’m like 66kg currently and I’m nowhere near happy so I’m not interesting in maintaining I want to LOOSE.

Ugh living like this is so shitty, no caffeine either no nothing but water >{^{!$|$| can’t even have gum cause it will cause hunger pangs and may break keto

I would drink broth but it will break keto and that’s the only reason I water fast

Quick weight loss and keto, it’s when you get past day 3 is when you loose since it takes me exactly 3 days of water fasting to enter ketosis, the 3rd day and beyond I will be burning pure fat (and muscle LMAO) and then I’ll loose some serious kgs so currently after flopping so bad I’m 44 hours in a water fast on the second day and I’m like… cause bitch I ate a few bites of some pasta, barely ate and tell me why the fucking scale went from 66.5 to 67.7…. Like you’re joking right… 1.2 FUCKING KILOS OVER NIGHT? that’s like almost 3lbs 😭 and then I snapped and I was like what’s the point… if a few fucking bites of the leftover pasta I mean small bites did this to me then I cannot eat

I weighed myself this morning I only went from 67.7 to 67.3kg … like I’ll KMS

To be fair I only peed and haven’t shit but the food was barely anything and threw it mostly away so I’m like girl..

[coccyodynia]

spine bullshit below

my spine has been on my mind every day several times a day for like 15 years at least and im so fucking tired dude

the majority of people i am close with now don't actually really know anything other than i've had a spine surgery and a bad back, and i am scared that when this continues to get worse, their patience with it will start to rapidly decrease lol

like for a good portion of the beginning of my adult life i could not function even a little bit without being in absolute agony and it really really took a toll on me and my relationships and a lot of other things

my boss has been sort of a cunt about me constantly having appointments and not giving her notice, but like. this isn't going to end soon, lol. i have an MRI tomorrow, and a follow up appointment the week after. it's possible that the fusion never healed correctly, or worse, the fusion is failing!

the suspicion was that the sacroiliac joint on the left side of my tailbone is very irritated so i got that injection and it helped for like 24-48 hours and that's it lmao. now i have the same pain on the right side.

i am so serious this starting up again has had me suicidal for a few weeks now but in the last week it's gotten a little more serious

i can't sleep anymore because my mattress that i've been paying off for like 5 years has a pretty significant indent in the center and my spine cannot comfortably flex into it because of the fusion causing immobility at that level. so every morning i wake up in agony

[nothorses]

Top Surgery Journal

I figured it was time to share my top surgery experiences, so folks can potentially learn from them! I'll be updating this as I have more to add.

For context, I am in the U.S. (specifically Washington state), and a legal adult. A lot of my process may not apply to everyone.

Getting Coverage

The first step to scheduling top surgery is getting insurance coverage for it. Talk to your insurance first to figure out if they do cover top surgery, and what you need to do in order to obtain coverage. Oftentimes it won't be listed officially on your plan, but you can get coverage as long as you can prove you need it.

I was lucky enough to have good insurance with trans healthcare included, so all I needed was a letter from my PCP, and a letter from a behavioral health counselor specializing in gender dysphoria. I didn't need any diagnoses, any specific length of time on HRT, any particular presentation, etc.

(If you live in Washington, state law requires that top surgery be fully covered under Medicare. It might be worth it to check your state's laws as well!)

Referrals

I tried to schedule with a surgeon myself, thinking it was my responsibility to get the documents sent over and everything, but my PCP actually referred me when I first told her I had gotten coverage from my insurance.

I ended up going with that referral because the other surgeon was so hard to get ahold of, but my PCP did also send a referral to the surgeon I'd chosen before. I recommend going through your PCP for referrals first, as it takes a lot of the workload off of you- and they'll likely write a referral anyway when sending the documents needed for coverage over.

You may also find that the surgeon you talk to has different requirements than your insurance before performing top surgery. A referral from your PCP might bypass these requirements, but be sure to call them yourself and double-check. Your surgeon's office is supposed to call you to schedule a consultation, and they may not call you at all if you don't have all of those documents in- which means you can be left in limbo indefinitely, not knowing you need to send them more than you already did.

The Consultation

I was able to get a consultation about 5 weeks after calling, which was great! The consultation is your opportunity to ask the surgeon any questions you have, for them to evaluate your chest and what methods might work for you, and for you to see their results (most surgeons do not post result photos online for privacy reasons).

Come into the consultation with all the questions you have written down somewhere, so you don't forget. I asked:

If I could see photographs of his top surgery results

Which incisions he thought would work for me, stressing the things that were important to me: minimal recovery time, no free nipple grafts (I wanted to keep mine, but without risking a failed graft), and minimal chance of needing revisions

What my recovery would look like for the recommended incisions

Whether I will be getting drains (ideally, yes: drains reduce recovery time and the risk of needing revisions)

If he's had patients who have had complications (failed grafts, infections, need for revisions, etc.) and what he's done to reduce the chances of that happening again

My surgeon's results looked good (scars were even and symmetrical, healed nicely, etc.) and he answered my questions really well, so I was happy to go with him!

He recommended the fishmouth method for me, because recovery time would be minimal, there would be no need for nipple grafts, and my chest was small enough for it to work really well.

Scheduling the Surgery

My surgeon didn't have a very long waitlist, but it still took about 3 weeks for the clinic to process my request with my insurance (yes, even though I already had coverage). Once they'd processed that, they called me with a window of time I could schedule within; after a few months, insurance would no longer cover the surgery.

I got an extension, as I was working an intense summer job that I couldn't really take a few weeks off of to recover, then scheduled my surgery over the phone. They asked if I wanted a pre-op appointment, and I declined, as it'd mostly be information covered in the consultation or that could be given to me over the phone.

Preparing for Surgery

I wasn't given a check-in time for the hospital until about 2pm the day before, but they finally did call me and give me some instructions, including:

My check-in time and place

The hospital's phone number, to give to my ride/caretaker in case they had questions

That I was not to bring visitors (cause covid)

To bring my ID, insurance card, and credit card

That I was not to eat or drink anything after 12am that night (I did drink a bit of water with my meds, which they seemed fine with)

To shower with antibacterial soap the night before, and the morning of the surgery

Not to wear hair or skin products like deoderant or gel

Not to wear any jewelry, or anything else removable that wasn't just a clothing item.

When I checked into the hospital, they had my fill out some paperwork including the name and number of my ride and caretaker (which could be the same or separate people; they called the ride number when it was time to pick me up, and the caretaker number with detailed updates on my progress). Then they had me change into the hospital gown and answer some medical history questions, prepped me with an IV, and had a nurse, both anesthesiologists involved in my surgery, and my surgeon check in with me for more information and to answer any last questions I had.

I was told to use the bathroom about 20 minutes before I would be going under for my surgery (to avoid needing a catheter), and once I did, they injected some anesthetic into my IV and I passed the fuck out.

After Surgery

I showed up to the hospital at about 9am, and the prepping ended around 11am. The surgery was scheduled to end at 2pm; I wasn't conscious until about 3pm.

They had me use the restroom again (I passed out on the floor of the bathroom because it was way too soon, lmao), and I was in and out of sleep until I finally used the bathroom on my own at about 5pm. At that point I was a lot more lucid; I had some toast and pudding, and the nurse called my caretaker to go over post-op instructions with us both.

After that I dressed myself, was wheeled out to pick up my pain meds at the in-hospital pharmacy, then hopped in the car with my ride (the wonderful @lillia-pad) at about 5:30pm.

Recovery

I have a pretty high tolerance for anesthetic, so I was mostly just tired during the 36-ish hours the anesthetic continued to wear off. I didn't experience any nausea or lightheadedness either, but I was given an anti-nausea patch behind my left ear, plus some anti-nausea meds, just in case.

My post-op regimen sort of looks like this:

Take 1-2 tablets of oxycodone every 4 hours (for pain)

Take 2 tablets of laxative meds twice a day (cause pain meds cause constipation)

Empty drains twice per day, and record how much was in them

Get up and walk around every couple of hours to reduce the risk of blood clots

Ease into eating again: start with clear fluids, and work up to crackers/bread/etc., to avoid nausea and vomiting.

Lay down propped up on plenty of pillows, and only on your back (no side-sleeping!)

Keep the compression binder/gauze on for the first 48 hours, then remove them to shower as needed (but put them back on after!)

I was pretty lucid by the third day post-surgery, and was able to scale my pain meds down pretty quickly from 2 tabs on the first day, to 1 tab for the next two days, to 1/2 tab. Meds are much more important at night, when there's nothing to distract you from the pain- don't be afraid to ration them for nighttime.

Oxycodone also definitely causes drowsiness, so I took a lot of "oxy naps" about 45-60 minutes after I took my meds, which last between 20 minutes and 2 hours depending on how tired I am.

I have my post-op this week, so I will update this post with more details on my scars and healing then!

[vtforpedro]

health update - long, long post

two out of three appointments done!! good news all around. first, with my hematologist... so apparently I've been in remission since december and didn't know it because the literature talks about milestones you have to reach for the type of leukemia I have but lmao ???? hey I've been in remission for almost eight months, cool ;P if I go two years with no signs of leukemia, we can extend my appts out! but for now we will still check labs every three months my endocrinologist sent me to an Expert Thyroid Radiologist and she said my ultrasound on the goiter/nodules looked good enough to not even need another ultrasound again (barring any major changes in numbers, I imagine) and my tsh levels are excellent so 👌 don't have to do labs again for a year!! I see my rheum on the 3rd and I imagine it will go much the same way as I've already seen my labs and they look ok to my layman's eyes lol and thank god she let me switch to a telehealth appt so I don't have to go in for this one because I had to go in yesterday to my hematologist's office hnnnn this is all really good news and feels great but GOD! it's extremely hard to tell what's been giving me symptoms since CML, hypothyroidism, and of course rheumatic diseases all cause intense fatigue, appetite weirdness, skin problems and more. but depression/anxiety/ptsd also cause all of these things and so do both of my neurological conditions. my rheum thinks the basic symptoms my PCP was concerned about for lupus or scleroderma is the whole shebang combined and I'm sure she's right it's always been the neuro shit that's given me the worst symptoms and agony and extreme discomfort I've ever felt in my life lol and that has an uncertain and at this moment frightening future so... yeah, we'll see where I'm at in a few months I guess and if there's been any improvement. but fighting what happens in my brain every day is the most exhausting thing I've ever done and the damage it does to my mental health cannot be understated, which my neurologist loves to do! so as soon as I do a couple tests he ordered I'm finding a new one. not for new answers, but only for someone not a complete mess of a person who contradicts themselves constantly within the same breath y'all my last appointment with him was absolutely BANANAS. he spent more time complaining about the company he worked for and defending himself and justifying himself to himself??? than like. treating me lol he makes so so so many mistakes, he lies, and I'm still boiling over the question he asked on the phone on july 1st 'so did anyone go over your MRI results with you?' (from mid-APRIL) like do you mean YOU, SIR???? god. he reviewed them with me on my appt on july 14th and got all huffy about them doing 'the wrong MRI' cause I was supposed to have an MRV, not an MRA, and yet he has put in like 6 or 7 orders (four in the same day) for an MRA, including on the 14th, just in case you need a picture of what this man is like. I could make three whole posts about him, he's chaotic and not in a good way him: 'well you've lost 30 pounds and with IIH, that should show improvement. and since there's no improvement, that's very uncharacteristic so it could be something else. but also keep in mind that even with losing the weight there may not be any improvement in IIH symptoms' hmm still working that one out anyway I've had insomnia for the majority of my life and only medical marijuana helped. I'd go to bed at midnight and not fall asleep until 3 AM if I was lucky before I tried it. now that I can't be on it, but I am at war with my brain 24/7, I'm sleeping the whole night through better than I have for most of my life 😒 this sounds like a good thing, but I'm still exhausted waking up every morning. my brain can't catch up on rest while it's this bad I still don't have a lot of hope for this shit. and it is IIH, he just doesn't want to say it. we all know it's IIH, it's literally the one explanation and fits all my symptoms. I wish it had been the easiest one to cure and was gone because it's a living hell. gonna continue

working toward my goals and hope my health is eventually as kind to me for this as it's been for the CML I really want to go to therapy to deal with the trauma of the last year and a half but I can't have a conversation, especially not an emotional one, and I can't process or think very well when talking to someone anymore. it sucks and it's scary feeling my brain function is not what it was just two or three months ago. memory 👎 decision making skills 👎 processing questions 👎 mixing things up/confusing myself on the daily? 👍 neuro referred me to a neuropsychologist for cognitive function stuff so yeah. hoping for a miracle at this point anyway, pretty proud of myself for losing weight though and in a healthy way. my neurologist, neurosurgeon and psychiatrist seemed doubtful I could do it on my own, but my 31lbs gone says hey fuck you lmao 19 more to my big first goal! even if it doesn't fix IIH and I have to have surgery, not being obese anymore will make it safer and I'll feel better all around. started at 210 and I'm now at 179 c: sorry for good news and also doom and gloom but s i g h at least there's forward progress in some ways, right?

[jimlingss]

Hey kina!!

Could you let me know some bits about the surgery..? I have to undergo one as well but I'm anxious and I haven't been able to gather courage yet😅. I have myopi

I’d be happy to!! I also had myopia and my prescription was something like -2.5ish. I set up my first ever free consultation in January and there they checked my eyes with the usual machines that they use in a regular eye exam, then I waited and spoke to an optometrist who used the usual letter chart to ask me what I could see and couldn’t see + he told me if I was eligible for LASIK or not. Then the last ‘station’ I went to was a guy who spoke about logistics (ie. cost and what date my surgery would be on). I asked a ton of questions throughout. I had all my questions answered. Overall, it was all good and I booked for end of April after my exams were done.

Fast forward to the surgery date, I was 80% excited and 20% nervous. Came in at 10AM. They checked/took photos of my eyes using the regular eye exam machines again. I waited, then spoke to the optometrist who checked over my eyes one more time + gave me artificial tear eye drops and told me to put them in every 10 mins. I waited again then went to talk to the logistics guy and finalized my payment + got all my eyedrops in a nice bag + the explanation of when to take them. Then I got more pics of my eyes. Then they called me in for surgery.

For the surgery, I went in with some other dude lol into this darker room. I got a hair net and then a net for my shoes and was waiting for my turn in the operation room. The nurse lady put in lots of numbing eye drops and got me to wait and then it was my turn. When I went in, they got me to take off my jacket and brought me over to the bed/table and gave me stress balls. 

The surgery itself was painless and easy. They said all I had to do was stare at this green light. Said green light bounced around as he did stuff but I tried my best and tried to relax. I would say the surgery was uncomfortable at times, but it was so fast and was done before I knew it. The nurses were there to comfort me too so it was pretty nice. 

When I was done, I sat up. Surgeon checked my eyes. Then I sat in the dark room, got more eyedrops via the nurse, got my blood pressure taken. Then I waited in the normal waiting room for like 20 mins w/ the sunglasses, had another optometrist check my eyes, asked for drops, and then I left!

When I got home, I ate and focused on completing the eye drop schedule. I used A LOT of lubricating eye drops. They said once every hour but I did prob once every 15-30 mins and I still use them a lot. I think that’s def helped with the healing process. But on that first day, I used siri on my phone and kept my eyes completely shut. Never looked at a single screen. Just stayed in my dark bedroom and listened to podcasts while lying in bed + using eyedrops. 

Next morning, went to my follow up and they said everything was great. My vision is 20/20 and it should keep sharpening up (fingers crossed). My eyes felt normal. The same as before. Except obviously my vision was clear. It was pretty shocking since I expected my eyes to ache or be swollen or hurt, but not at all.

I’m using screens now, prob sooner than I should lol but I lubricate my eyes a LOT to keep them from being dry and I think that’s the key. I think one thing I didn’t expect is for some of the drops to leave a bitter taste in my throat lol. Also I’d say I think I was a bit extreme on the ‘try to keep your eyes closed’ rule in the 24 hours post surgery. It’s ok to open your eyes. I didn’t at all and it caused my lashes to get stuck to my skin which made it harder to put in drops lmao, so I’d say after putting in drops, try to blink a few times. It was pretty uncomfortable not to be able to rub my eyes either or touch them at all cause they got pretty gunky and dirty but during my follow up, the eye doctor helped me clean up and when I got home, I was able to splash my face w/ water and use a wet q-tip to clean up the area.

Overall, I’d say that surgery was the easiest procedure I’ve done. 

I’ve gotten my wisdom teeth removed 2 years ago and subsequently got 2 infections and that was difficult. Eating was hard, speaking was hard, and it ached. I recently got my brows micro-bladed and the procedure hurt at times + I couldn’t lay on my side or touch my brows 2 weeks afterwards or use water on them. That was difficult in itself. I’ve even had cosmetic surgery before to remove moles and the area bruised + I got stitches I had to take care of. But out of all those experiences, I’d say LASIK was the least difficult.

Just because it’s faster than the three other procedures. and the healing process is a lot faster too. All that’s different now (4 days after the surgery) is that I have to put in drops and I still can’t rub my eyes. Other than that, my eyes feel completely the same but my vision has suddenly cleared up as if I’m wearing glasses :) 

[algrenion]

hey guys!

my friends' cat pulled a dummy move and ate a toy, and however ridiculous this accident is in nature, it did have some pretty serious outcomes that resulted in an emergency vet trip resulting in a LARGE bill

they didnt even ask me to write this, i just love Max and Al and they deserve the world - they give a lot of themselves to help others, me included (they donated to help me get my brain scan when i started having seizures and they've just been... theyve been there for me and protecting and caring for me since i was a child p much lmao they're my family...)

you can read about the details of what happened below (as written by Max, coparent of Hobbit)

My oh-so lovely son Hobbit, the tabby on the left there, one day decided that his regular food and treats weren't enough for him. He wanted to add something with a little more fiber into his diet! He ate part of one of his toys, the dingus. In all seriousness, having to rush him to the San Diego Pet Hospital is not something I'm going to soon forget. His bloated stomach and pained screaming in the cat carrier are not sounds I ever want to hear again. I found the shredded bits of toy a couple of days prior and had just assumed he tore it to bits because that's his usual MO. I would have never imagined he ate it instead, and that it was going to cause a blockage in his intestines that caused him so much pain. It didn't take long for the vet to find out what the problem was and now, one surgery later, his life isn't in danger anymore for which I'm endlessly thankful about. I found Hobbit and his brother Hollow curled up near the back tire of my old car one cold morning on Jan 24, 2018 in ABQ, NM. They were tiny and terrified and letting out the smallest mews I had ever heard before when I scooped them up into my jacket and took them inside. That afternoon I took them to the vet to see if they had chips and they didn't so I had a choice to make. Turn them in to a shelter and hope they got adopted or do it myself. Well 3 years later I have two of the best terrors of cats and I've never regretted my decision to keep them. These two, despite all of the 3 AM zoomies, the vomit on the floor, the scratches on my hands, and the yowling for wet food have seen me through some of the toughest moments in my life. They've been with me through two moves and were there for me when my 17 year old dog had to be put down in 2019. They've kept me sane and alive even when I didn't want to be sometimes. They mean the world to me, and then some. The grand total for the bill was $1,256.91, a good portion of which I'm covering and getting some help from others but this remaining $375 is what I need help with. I wouldn't have any words to express how grateful I would be. Asking for help is something I hate doing but at this time I'm just not in a position to be able to foot the entire thing. CareCredit isn't an option due to financial reasons, I tried but no dice. Any amount helps. Hobbit, Hollow and myself appreciate every cent that goes to this. I know Hollow will be happy to have his brother back soon, he's wandering around aimlessly mowing for him and I know I can't imagine a world where I don't get to wake up with a drooling tabby on me every nap time. From the bottom of my heart, thank all of you.

Now as you can see the bill was $1,256.91,

but the gofundme is only asking for $375

they've almost reached their goal, as i write this they're sitting at $243 out of that ($100 of which was donated by Hobbit's other parent, Alaster) so again, they're almost there! but i could only afford a little bit to donate myself as my studies are calling for a lot of expensive resources right now

if any of you are willing and able to help out, please consider donating because these guys are some of my favourite people in the world

and their cat Hobbit, however stupid, DOES deserve to be in good health

this is really an "every little helps" type of situation

they are $132 dollars away from their goal!

that's a lotta money for one person, but if folks see this and chip in just a little bit each, we could get Hobbit covered as fast as Bilbo Baggins on the back of an eagle (sorry lol)!!! ❤️

and if you can't afford to donate, it would be just as kind if you would share this so other people can see it and consider donating!

thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this post

[juuls]

Pharmacist/Me = 1 🏆 Doctor/Nursing Staff = 0

Thank you in advance for reading this rant. I’ve been really frustrated and just needed to get this off my chest, and today at least I had a wonderful knight in a white lab coat. 🩺❤️‍🩹🥽🥼💪🏻

Content warnings and squicky squicks: (further down there is) an image of a medical vial with a clipped image of a more benign part of a syringe, health conditions (endometriosis, fibromyalgia), menstrual cycles and associated terms such as bleeding and other things, lack of empathy in my specific healthcare system, hysterectomies, pain, swearing and losing patience. Most important warning: self-administered syringes and injection discussions of legal medications (Depo-Provera) approved of by professionals and properly researched. P.S. this may sound rather Karen-like but I would never do this to someone’s face. Online ranting and acknowledging where I could do better is not the same as screaming in public for bossy requests or comps, etc. Ew.

Another ‘warning’… pharmacists being kick-ass allies and giving a damn about their patients.

I’m really annoyed because (and I know healthcare and scheduling is a clusterfuck right now, but…) for over a month now I’ve been trying to get an appointment in person to get this injectable medication that is, yes, birth control, but is also used for endometriosis in my case. And I have severe endometriosis (exacerbated severely by fibromyalgia, siiiiigh) to the point I bleed enough and lose so much I have to go to the hospital when my care is not properly preventative… like in this case, and the pain is unbelievably severe also to the point I’ve spent time in the hospital, including my 11th Christmas Eve and Day. I started this injectable medication at 13 because it was the only thing that came close to helping reduce my endometrial tissue. Even a hysterectomy wouldn’t help as much, unless they decided to go the super invasive route and remove all the organs (or parts of them) that had become ‘infected’ by the tissue. Again, tissue where it’s not supposed to be, and it causes extreme pain as the tissue tries to flush out of my body each period, even if it’s attached to, like, my pancreas. Just no. That does not work at all. No. That is not fun.

SO. I’m 31, nearing 32, and the doctor’s office knows this. I’ve had the same doctor since I was 10. Been on this medication nearly non-stop for just shy of two decades (with appropriate precautions such as bone density tests) because of the absolute severity of the pain and my inability to function when it hits… which can be months at a time of non-stop bleeding and morning sickness-level nausea and vomiting, migraines and the occasional complete inability to move—in other words, it’s debilitating.

My doctor (even the nurses, as it’s in large print at the top of my file in the system) knows all about this. They’re supposed to call me if I’m overdue by a certain margin (I get they’re busy but months and months???). But my doc’s also a bit of an airhead (albeit a smart one when he focuses) and takes forever to reply to anything on time, even when it’s a severe issue, but not severe enough to go to the hospital. But it’s gotten to the point where the nurses say to go to the ER and then the ER nurses and doctors there get SUPER pissed off (AT ME AND SOMEHOW NOT AT MY DOCTOR/NURSES AND THEIR ORDERS) at the ‘waste of time’, and it’s just a clusterfuck.

Oh yeah, and that ER visit while I was overdue for my injection? Internal intestinal bleeding along with a lovely, even if small, perforation in my fucking uterus from the growth of endometrial tissue. I MEAN COME ON — WHAT IN THE HELL. Totally preventable if they fit me in when I called literally over a month ago.

But I will not change my doctor (the other docs at the practice know what is going on and have offered to take me on, but they don’t have the experience with myself and my conditions or the history, but they can do little else because of professional conduct—it’s between myself and my doc) because he is the only one who treats me with humanity and understands fibromyalgia, endometriosis, pre-MS and pre-RhA/PsA, endo-related IBS, (ulcerative) colitis, and other neurological conditions with any degree of empathy. (See, I told you I’m a mess!) There is no way I’m switching offices in the perpetual shortage of doctors in Canada moving elsewhere for m o n e y (plus Covid-19 being a teen hooligan and constantly coming back to wreck more goddamn shit, including everyone’s sanity, then setting things on fire like the real hooligans in my village have been doing this summer — I mean… what in the hell!?!?), so with all that in mind I actually thank my lucky stars. So I put up with a lot of this shit because he treats me, besides him being an airhead, like an actual human being deserving of compassion and care and quality of life despite my severe disabilities and pain. So.

I’m usually treated really well (even if they often think I’m a nuisance for daring to be severely chronically ill/in pain all the time) so I try to be patient and good and understanding when I can.

But his STAFF (I know they’re busy and I’ve been patient but they’ve been so awful honestly to the point I cried hard enough my dad noticed my red eyes and frustration-tear fracks on my face)! And the doc himself’s inability to reply to notes on time even when urgent and when he knows the circumstances (I admit I am a bit of a hard patient so I can understand if he just kinda ignores me sometimes, honestly). But in this case I was THREE DAMN MONTHS LATE for my injection and they’ve always called in the past when I was coming due if it looked like I hadn’t scheduled an injection, so that I was all on time and squared away and didn’t risk severe pain and damage to my already-fucked hormonal system (learning I couldn’t have kids was absolutely heartbreaking, let me tell you, but even a hysterectomy in that case would solve nothing — this is by far the easiest option, especially considering how my fibromyalgia would fuck with my post-surgery recovery and leave me with lasting pain for years if not decades; sigh).

Anyway. So. After some ridiculous levels of back and forth and some truly remarkable levels of lack of compassion (she kept giving me the exact same, word for word response in a bored tone UGH) considering the severe pain I was in (I was told, in front of OTHER PATIENTS AND STAFF, that I could just wait until I talk to the doctor myself at my next phone appointment and then schedule my injection for my next MONTHLY followup — 4.5 months overdue at that point, it would’ve been — because, and I quote, ‘am used to dealing with pain because of my fibromyalgia and years of dealing with it and other conditions’ which they named in front of others!!!!!!!! what. the. fuck. But I kept my cool because I know all these people, my mom taught their kids music, they’re a fixture of the community, etc. and I refuse to be a Karen…. At least externally.

But here comes the nice part that makes me love our new (okay, he’s been here like 5 years but still, in a small town that’s pretty new lmao) pharmacist that much more. Rasik was aware of my frustration with the doctor and nurses and was even the one who brought to my attention that, at the time, I was 2 months late for my injection and he was a bit concerned since he’s privy to how much pain I exist in without throwing in one or more knives directly into my womb, ovaries, tummy, hips, and other areas my endometrial tissue has taken root. He’s such a sweetheart and he really does care for his patients— the work he does with my father’s diabetes (the tricky one where you’re not obese) management is above and beyond the call of a pharmacist and I will forever be grateful for that alone, never mind how he cares for me.

So I went in today to pick up another medication, after yet another frustrating stop-over at the nurses’ desks, and he suggested I ask for my injectable medication (it’s Depo-Provera, by the way) and the syringe plus the two tips necessary — I’m actually familiar with this since I had to learn epinephrine injections from an early age (not Epipen) and how to give testosterone daily to my ex-husband (sorry not sorry, dude, but congrats on your first kid *grouchy thumbs up*). But yeah! Legally he’s not allowed to suggest I give it to myself, but he was getting super fed up with the nurses and doctors dragging their feet and ‘being assholes with little empathy’ in his own words, so I took the hint and requested my vial plus syringe, as well as the drawing and injection gauge needles…. which he gleefully filled for me, and I reiterated that it was ‘fully my idea, not yours, Rasik, because everyone knows I’m dumb and would never think it’s you if something happened’ (I’m not dumb and I’ve given injections to others many times looool).

Long story short: HERE’S TO PHARMACISTS AROUND THE WORLD, BEING AMAZING AND CARING FOR THEIR PATIENTS AND ‘BENDING BUT NOT REALLY BENDING’ THE RULES TO MAKE SURE THEIR CLIENTS ARE CARED FOR PROPERLY. They are amazing and deserve every last bit of your courtesy, especially when they pull double duty every. single. day. because of Covid and their subsequent boosters. (i.e. boosters in the form of humans who are fucking stupid if they have no medical reason not to get the vaccine… I mean JFC.)

Rasik? You are amazing and I am 100% going to find you some Indian-Canadian (or North Indian; I believe that’s where he’s from originally) treats or desserts or make some myself after slyly asking his assistant what he leans toward liking.

Be kind to one another, yeah, but… my goodness: be kind to those who can truly make a difference in your health, sanity, and even life or death.

Pharmacists, volunteers, and frontline health workers: the true heroes of these times.

Thank you so much. So very much.

💜💙🇨🇦👨🏽‍⚕️❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

P.S. … now I just gotta stab myself intramuscularly after making sure there’s no air bubbles and etc., and swap out to the proper gauge needle (different, smaller, to draw from the vial, larger to inject so that it goes in more quickly and, oddly enough, hurts less haha). I don’t think air bubbles are as much of an issue as when injecting intravenously (ummm I have a doctor uncle and grandma nurse and nurse friends, so shush 😆). But I’ve done this for others and animals so I should be good! :)

I’m a smart enough cookie even if I’ve lost a few nibble-size pieces around the edges. 😉😘 buahaha

Cheers to my pharmacist!!!! You are amazing and I can’t wait for the pain and months and months of bleeding to settle down.

Remind me again why humans are the only mammals (animals?) with monthly fluxes? UGH wtf ever. 🙃

[yukiobeyme]

Hi there! Just wondering if you could possibly write hcs for trans Beel or trans Satan? But if you can’t that’s fine.

I am supposed to doing my Civil Engineering HW? Yes.

I am coming back from the dead to answer this? Yes.

Can I talk about Trans!Beel and Trans!Satan all day? God Yes. Please ask me more talk to more about LGBTQIA+ and how it fits in Obey Me!

Thank you so much I hope I do this some justice. I am sorry how it got so long, but I got in the groove for this and I just came up with other ideas

Beel has some implied body issues, mention of top surgery and T-shots

So you more or less got Satan’s coming out story, I could have just written it as a fic and it would have probably been shorter and more concise. But I did add other headcanons as well and accidentally hc how Satan got his everyday outfit.

*Also disclaimer: Satan’s hc focus a lot on Parrotfish by Ellen Wittlinger being a gateway for him figuring out his identity. I have heard of it and seen both good and bad reviews. I recognize that some bad reviews implied that there are possibly inaccurate stereotypes but was a good starting point to introducing Trans Characters to fiction. I have never read it and can not confirm or deny what the reviews say.

Beelzebub:

From a young age he wondered why and how Belphegor were twins when he was a girl.

It caused a distaste in his mouth but more often than not he pushed it away.

 It wasn’t until the Fall; did he finally act on it.

The first time he was called “sir” his heart almost burst out of his chest

 He immediately told a sleepily Belphegor about it, he figured he wouldn’t remember in the morning

 But boy was he wrong, it turns out Belphegor laid awake after Beel told him that. In the morning they talked about it again. Belphie offered his full support.

Belphie became Beel biggest piece in his support system. Like sure a lot of problems, he said maybe a nap or food would help. But it turns out he was right? (Well for the most part) but whenever Beel felt like everyone hated him and judging him, Belphie would wrap him up in the softest blanket in the house and they would take a nap together. Or when Beel seemed to be angry at everything and hated everyone, Belphie pulled him to the kitchen and made his favorite meal.

Randomly one day Belphie asked about how Beel felt about himself. “Like it doesn’t matter if you pass in someone else’s eyes or not, but do you like how you look?”

That’s when Beelz really got into bodybuilding and weightlifting

While he didn’t necessarily come out to the rest of the brothers, but none of them came out as cis so he wasn’t going to go out of his way and come out as trans

“working your legs naturally helps build more testosterone, so does eating eggs,” it was Satan that told him shyly behind a book if Beelz noticed that Satan was eating more eggs and even doing leg exercising he said nothing

Satan and Beel would have random conversations about gender and identity. Most times Belphie sat in on it. Asking questions or making comments.

Before he got top surgery, he would wear full-body binders, he had a standard black and white, but he also had an orange one. Completely confident to wear them by themselves.

 After top surgery, he showed off (as he should)

Takes pride in his body and the work and effort he put into it. To make it his own.

·         T shots doesn’t help with his appetite at all, the horror that went through the house when the avatar of gluttony appetite almost doubled. After a few weeks, it averaged out to be just a little more than pre-T but the brothers none the less both impressed and mortified

Belphie immediately opened his closet to Beel, like Beel occasionally stole clothes before, but this time Belphie made sure that Beel knew whatever he wanted he could take.

Asmo was definitely down to help Beel with shopping, but he turned him down. Favoring to go with Belphie

Faced little backlash, only some sports watchers had problems with it but were quickly shut down. Though even after all these centuries some people still have problems. But Beel has learned to keep his head high but knows he is allowed to be upset and hurt by their words. But he also knows he can go to any of his brothers for comfort and to regroup.

Beelz doesn’t get the same attention and attraction that Satan does, but he doesn’t mind. Though when he sees younger lgbtqia+ looking in awe at him at the gym, he usually swings by to see if they have any questions or need tips.

Okay, wait hear me out… Definitely created a club specifically for lgbtqia+ to have the gym and exercise together. Whether it was leading a class, he has gotten Asmo to lead a few yoga/ meditations or letting them break out into groups and giving them tips on stance or what exercises could build muscles to help them pass. But most importantly teaches/reminds everyone that their body is their own. That no matter what happened to them, their body is theirs. It can look however they want and even if it doesn’t look perfect, it is still is worthy of love and self-care. “The only opinions that matter is your own, it is your body. Claim and make it your own. No one can take it away from you”

Satan offered to let him borrow Parrotfish, Beel isn’t too interested but Belphie wanted to read it to him.

Overall Beel is confident and comfortable with his body and his identity. On his bad days, he knows he has endless support from Belphie and his other brothers.

 Satan:

You know that feeling when something clicks and its that chilling calm that covers your body? Satan was reading a random book, Parrotfish by Ellen Wittlinger.

First came out to Asmodeus, because Satan knew Asmo would accept him and help him in whatever way Asmo could.

And of course, Satan was nervous because Asmo couldn’t go to the others not yet. Satan planned it out that Lucifer was on Earth and expected to be there for a week, so Satan had time to execute his plan.

Asmo was worried when Satan came to him all serious. Well, Satan is always serious but this time the nervousness and lack of confidence made Asmodeus sit still and hold his breath. Asmodeus was attentive as Satan slowly stumbled through his prepared speech, which mainly focused on talking about the book he had just finished.

 Asmo didn’t understand until he saw how heartbroken and lost Satan looked. He was frantic in a sense and blurted out something along the lines of, “So, you wish you were a parrotfish?” while it wasn’t necessarily the best thing to say, the laugh it go out of Satan and the uncertainty in his smile was worth it.

Asmodeus took it upon himself to go shopping for Satan, getting him new more masculine clothes.

It was Levi that got Satan’s his first Binder, “A lot of cosplayers wear them, so you should be okay for some light exercising in it”

Soon all the brothers, well except Lucifer knew and the day Lucifer came back, Satan hid and avoided him.

Satan should have known better, but he was still surprised when Lucifer summoned for him

He was terrified.

When he entered the room, he couldn’t meet Lucifer’s eyes. But when he spared the glance, he saw the disappointment in Lucifer’s eye. Satan tried to swallow around the lump in his throat and ignore the burning in his eyes.

“What are you wearing?” Not exactly what Satan thought Lucifer was going to say first. “Was it Asmodeus?” “Ugh” Lucifer shook his head and strolled to his closet and threw the door open and went searching for something. “Ah, there it is,” Lucifer returned with a yellow sweater. “This would be more suiting for you,” Lucifer offered the sweater to Satan.

“You aren’t mad?”

“The only thing I’m relatively mad at is how offensive that outfit is,”

“I might have shoes too, but they might be a little big on you,”

Satan left wearing his new sweater and shoes on, laughing how he had to keep a black undershirt on, and the shoes flopped due to being too big. But he left with a lot of weight off his shoulders and high in spirits.

That sweater is the famous one you still see him wear today. He wonders why Lucifer would have such a bright color and when he asked Lucifer just made a face and rolled his eyes as he replied with “Asmodeus thought I needed to brighten my wardrobe.”

 Satan loves it, its soft and bright. It’s a little too low cut for his liking but an undershirt fixed that problem. And it doesn’t hug his chest and honestly, it’s his favorite piece of clothing

 Parrotfish is a permanent book in his room and he reads it once a year. And has special scenes marked, so he can go back and read certain passages when needed

Once Satan came out to Barbatos and Diavolo they both requested to read the book and met with him for tea to talk about the book and life.

Lucifer even snagged the book for a bit. (He tried to be sneaky about it and Satan pretended not to notice)

 Asmodeus and Mammon is chaotic with their support, it nice and needed but can also be overboard but he knows they do it out of love. Pride is a huge thing at the house and Asmo decided to do a gender reveal party for Satan

Beelzebub, Belphegor and Levi are supportive like they are ready to fight anyone who gives Satan any issues about his gender and gender identity, but they are as obnoxious as Asmo and Mammon. They will sit with him, talk to him, or just quietly listen. Most times they can’t offer help and admit they don’t know what to say other then they are here for him and willing to listen to whatever he needs to talk about.

Lucifer is quiet support. At first, Satan thought he didn’t approve but then Lucifer would make a random statement or ask for clarification that made Satan feel comfortable. Lucifer glared at anyone who even thought about giving Satan a weird look.

Satan’s go to binder color is a light grey and most times it just a crop top rather than a full-body one. Though he has an aqua blue one he wears occasionally. (I have a drawing of this somewhere lmao)

Satan tried to give himself his first haircut but Asmo had to come in and fix up the mess and disaster he created. Sure, his hair was way too short for his liking, but it wasn’t long anymore.

Over the years has learned the different meanings behind the looks he gets, whether it’s in disgust or that longing look that demons that aren’t out give him. He somehow occasionally becomes a dad to other trans! Demons. Whether it's long talks or if it's just quick tips that help him through the years.

Ironically enough, Lucifer is his biggest support or the one he relies on the most during days or moments when Satan feels terrible. Because Lucifer won’t be fussing all over him or beat around the bush about it. Sometimes he will state he too busy to talk but will leave and come back with hot tea and Satan’s favorite biscuits. Lucifer sometimes sends him away to grab his homework and they will just work in silence together. While Satan hates to admit how much he appreciates Lucifer for these moments, it helps a lot.

Last one! The first formal after Satan came out, he realized he didn’t have clothes for it. Out of all the styles and outfits he had gotten nothing formal ever came through. His brothers came through though. Asmo couldn’t convince him on any of his extra formal wear so he went around finding pieces that the other brothers weren’t using. Satan was only missing a jacket, but the outfit looked perfect. When he ran into Lucifer, Lucifer brought him to his room and offered him one of his simpler jackets and touch him how to pin it to tailor the sleeves to a better height.

[dadoroki]

Girl, That’s Not Me

Tomura Shigaraki x F!Reader

Warnings: fluff, spoilers for chapter 270, spoilers for Heroes Rising, angst

Description: Meeting you during a lookout wasn’t something Shigaraki planned on doing.

I couldn’t think of a title so I just used my fav line from Drama by Drake and Roy Woods lmao.

From the edge of the steep cliff, a lone Shigaraki looked down menacingly at the winged hero beneath him. His attention on Hawks, however, would soon be cut short.

Blocks away from the horrific disaster was a beautiful woman elegantly seated on a bench, feeding the group of white doves below her. The way her soft hair and white silky dress flowed through the wind in sync was almost unreal. The whole scene was unreal.

Somehow, amid the cataclysm of fire and flames was the sight of a goddess. The burnt buildings, flashing ambulances, and audible firetrucks were the background and you were the main focal point that Shigaraki couldn’t help but admire.

Your bag of breadcrumbs was now empty and you watched as the doves flapped their wings away into the sky. It wasn’t that you weren’t aware of your current surroundings. It was just that you chose to ignore it. Your eyes roamed around the area until it was set on Shigaraki who shamefully looked away. He walked into a black mist, fully disappearing and you couldn’t help but wonder who he was or why he was staring at you.

It had been long hours since Shigaraki last saw you and his mind was merely focused on the thought of you. Something about you was just so intriguing that he couldn’t help but want to relive the moment. But he had no time for distractions. His present goal was to confront Nine.

Shigaraki was teleported to an open field, the dark black mist that once surrounded him now reducing into air. He approached the weakened man, latching all five fingers onto his face and watching him disappear into dust. Shigaraki backed away, ready to get sent back to his next location until he saw someone. Even though he could only see the back of the figure, he knew your body too well to know it was you.

You sat on the meadow with your legs bent to the side, a finger raised to hold a white dove as many more surround you. He took careful steps towards you, stopping a few meters away. The distance didn’t secure his cover, as you were already aware of his company. You let the dove fly away, watching it leave with the rest of the pack. “So, we meet again.”

“Are you following me?”

“I should be asking you the same thing.”

You pushed yourself up and faced him, slowly walking a few steps closer. You took him in, as he did the same with you. Shigaraki thought he was hallucinating. The way your soft eyes glimmered at him, the way your hair and long exquisite dress danced through the wind, and the way the pink flower pedal’s streamed behind you was surreal. It was like a fantasy he was living in. A cliché romantic scene from a movie almost.

The smile on your face made Shigaraki’s heart tug and you raised a hand at him. He wasn’t exactly sure what you were trying to imply but he slowly made his way to you, placing four fingers on yours. You glanced down at his unsteady hand then back to him. “You can trust me.” After a moment of hesitation, he rested his last finger onto yours and to his surprise, your body was not affected in any way. You gave him a chance and he let you in.

Shigaraki was never alone after that. Wherever he went, he’d always be accompanied by you. You never left his side. It would get in the way of his work, as you’d try to prevent him from causing any severe harm or damage to others. He would still carry on with his daily routines, only minimalizing a bit of his full potential.

After forming the Paranormal Liberation Front, Doctor Ujiko promised Shigaraki that he could grow even stronger through a complex surgery. You were told that the process would last up to four months and would be indescribably painful. But the end results could potentially make Shigaraki even stronger than All For One. This was exactly what he wanted but for you, you disagreed with the idea completely. It could cause him immense pain and you couldn’t go through with that. But he could and he did. There was no talking him out of it and you were forced to give up.

Every single day, from morning to night, you’d watch over Shigaraki, locked in his glass container and hooked to a series of tubes and wires. You rested your palm on the cold glass from the opposite side of Shigaraki, wishing to take all his pain away. His eyes and body rested softly within the waters. You’ve never seen him look so at peace and it made you slightly happy. The scene made you trace away from the chaos outside of the location. Away from the disruption between Present Mic, Kyudai, and X-less a few meters behind you.

Inside Shigaraki’s mind, he was surrounded by several large hands and pieces of buildings. The sound of a little girl’s voice caught his attention and he later realized it was his sister. She told him that she was on his side and apologized for the past. More of his memories started to resurface, a larger version of his mother worried about his eyes and a larger version of his father yelling furiously at him.

Out of nowhere, a shadowy version of All For One appeared before him, telling him to come with him. As he goes to walk, his family reappears, stopping him and grabbing him in the same areas that he had placed their hands on originally. He ignored their pleads, letting them disappear into nothing. Another interruption stopped him from inching closer to All For One but this time, it was in the hands of someone he truly cared for.

He came to a cease, feeling your arms wrapped around his torso and your head resting on his bare back. You pulled yourself closer to him and tightly squeezed your eyes shut. “Please don’t go.”

“But I have to.”

Your grip slowly loosened, desperately trying to find a way to gain him back. “This isn’t you, Tomura.”

“But it is.”

Another failed attempt and his tone started to grow less without care and more monotonous. “You thought about what life would’ve been like with a loving family. If you left everything behind and we lived happily together. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yes, but you’re not real.”

You slowly released him, backing away from his body. He refused to look at you as your body slowly started to crumble. “You’re just a pure imagination created in my mind.”

You wanted to scream at him. To tell him he was wrong. But he was right and telling you the truth. Would you have guessed that the most villainous person could be the most loneliest? You were just there because he needed to feel comfort and to feel loved. Everything he couldn’t get growing up. It started to make sense to you. You knew nothing of your past. Everyone had ignored you, not because they hated you, but because they couldn’t see you. You weren’t real.

From the beginning, he convinced himself that you were alive, wanting to believe that it couldn’t just be a coincidence. But as time went on, he gradually had to accept the harsh reality. All good things come to an end.

“Goodbye, (Y/n).”

Tears fall from your face as you slip into oblivion. Before disappearing, your crumbling face watched the man who you thought loved you walk over to the darkness, embracing the path of villainy.

[chacusha]

DS9 Companion live-blogging (1/?)

I’m already loving this. From 1x01 "Emissary" to 1x11 "The Nagus":

There are little maps of parts of Bajor.

Having emotions over Ben and Jake’s relationship being the core of the show: “[Brandon] Tartikoff had mentioned the possibility of the new show being a kind of Rifleman in space — the concept being that if Star Trek was originally conceived of as a Wagon Train to the stars, then the new show would be The Rifleman, a man and his son living together in a frontier town.”

Loving all these details about how they did the lighting for a Cardassian space station.

They discuss how they changed the Trill look from what was established in TNG. I forgot about that! The TNG Trills looked different! Now I’m headcanoning there are different Trill races with slightly different appearances. (They said they based the new Trill look on the empath bride character in “The Perfect Mate” played by Famke Janssen who they wanted to cast as Jadzia.)

This is cute:

I’m already appreciating the notes about how Shimerman and Auberjonois’s existing chemistry/rapport influenced the Quark-Odo dynamic.

Also lmao at the writers addressing the continuity error/retcon regarding the circumstances under which Curzon Dax died (in the pilot, he is conscious when the symbiont is being transferred to Jadzia, but later (in “Let He Who Is Without Sin…”) it’s said he died while having sex (more like, the sex eventually caused his death but he had time to go back to Trill for surgery, the writer clarifies).

This is so cute too 😭

Nana on changing Kira’s hair from the pilot: “That was my doing,” admits Nana Visitor. “I pushed for it. I just didn’t feel that Major Kira would style her hair every day. She wouldn’t care! I wanted a hairstyle that looked like she just woke up in the morning looking like that.” She’s so right.

Love these notes on Garak’s character too: Co-producer Peter Allan Fields: “We needed a Cardassian who didn’t act like one, so I finally put him in a tailor shop, and nobody hit me so we kept him there.” (A throwback to The Man From U.N.C.L.E.) Director Winrich Kolbe: “He’s not what you expect of a Cardassian. They’re the Prussians of the universe, always ‘kill, kill, kill.’ And then there’s Garak, a little bit on the effeminate side, totally different from what you expect of a Cardassian” while retaining the stiffness of Cardassians. Andrew Robinson: “I could actually visualize the guy; he’s all subtext. If a smart guy like Garak says that he’s ‘plain and simple,’ you realize that he’s not plain and not simple. […] And his eyes and the tone of his voice say something different than the words he’s speaking.”

Shimerman on Quark’s personality, plus notes on the Quodo dynamic:

Reading this reminds me of how odd the early episodes of DS9 feel compared to the later ones, because the early ones rely heavily on TNG connections like a crutch which they later discard once DS9 finds its own footing. “Emissary” uses Picard/Locutus and events mentioned in TNG as character backstory, not to mention O’Brien and his existing relationships on the Enterprise. “Past Prologue” features the Klingon sisters; “Captive Pursuit” features a Prime Directive plot typical of a TNG episode; “Q-less” features Q and Vash as guest stars (it’s nice to get a followup on this story but it definitely hits different when these characters aren’t interacting with Picard); “Dax” is mostly its own thing but also fits a familiar trial drama plot that are familiar from TOS and TNG. It reminds me of Sandman and the odd DC cameos it has at the beginning that get more phased out into easter eggs as the comic gains confidence.

Interesting notes on the tender exes relationship between Enina Tandro and Jadzia in “Dax” that precursors “Rejoined” / builds on the general way of using Trills in Star Trek to sneak in gay relationships:

Apparently “The Nagus” is The Godfather in space. I did not realize this at all. They even mentioned there is a scene in that ep that is an homage to that film and I was like, “What?? Which one??” It totally went over my head.

[gisachi]

I hope I'm not late jumping to the prompt bandwagon, but shinran with 39?

Thank you for the request!  In the end I couldn’t do angst (I attempted and I failed 😭) so I went for a hurt/comfort, the closest I can get to writing a pained character lmao. Hope you like this! It’s AU btw!

39. Kissing tears from the other’s face. (1,776 words)

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.

.

They met each other at Beika Hospital’s rehabilitation unit.

She worked herself along parallel bars, taking slow steps while a P.T. noted her progress. He saw her effort in each hop, each she took as preparation for succeeding advances, intervals per step getting shorter until the whole walk looked natural.

It was impossible to ignore the positive spirit bubbling within her, for despite minor missteps and the P.T. rushing to her, she’d tell the latter, with eyes glimmering like hopeful sunlight after a heavy storm, that she’s okay and she’d do this on her own. And she would.  

Eventually he learned of her name— Mouri Ran— and true to her name she was like the pinkest orchid blooming in an autumnal orchard, standing out with her bright, joyful features, leaving trails of vibrancy where she’d pass. Her smile was contagious, flipping frowns of old grumpy patients rightside up, making even the most nervous children burst into a feat of laughter when she cracked jokes before their operations.

Shinichi had only been around the hospital for a week, but he understood what other patients meant when they said their pain became much more bearable with her around.

In a place like this, her smile was light.

He knew getting along with her wouldn’t be difficult, as minutes after sitting next to each other in the rehab unit, they conversed like they’d been friends for a long time. Apart from her name, he learned she’s the same age as him, a black belter in karate, had a lawyer mother and a detective father who paid her visits twice a week.

In two days, he found out why she’s here. On the way to her karate training, she was hit by a car after saving two elementary school children crossing the street, earning her three fractured ribs and a head injury meant to heal in a week. Her ribs healed in five days, but the headache and dizziness progressively worsened, leading the doctors to conclude a traumatic brain injury, requiring major surgery.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and she remained here, hospital already like her home. She had taken an indefinite leave of absence in school, missing lectures and karate training for two months and counting.

“What about you, Shinichi-kun? Why are you here?” Ran asked him one time while they hung out in the day room.

“Two gunshot wounds on my shoulder. Received surgery a week ago and now I’m feeling better,” he answered nonchalantly, not omitting the fact that as a teenage detective, it was normal for him to expose himself to life-or-death situations; that this set of wounds was the second he’d gotten, the first one when he was sixteen.

Seeing the shock passing at her face, he exhaled sharply, lips twisting up a little. “I’m okay. It’s not as grave as you think it is. And I’ll be discharged in three days.”

That didn’t remove the frown in her face though - which was new for he’d never seen her frown until now.

She asked him where his parents were, he said they were in the States. She asked if he’s living with a relative, he said no, but his next door neighbor served like one. She asked if he’s still studying, he said yes, in Ekoda High, thirty minutes by train from her school, Teitan High.

“You’re so young yet so independent and...and strong, Shinichi-kun.”

He shrugged, not in a dismissive way, before resting a hand on her shoulder, “Aren’t you describing yourself, Ran-san?”

He was strong and independent because work and circumstance required him to. While Ran, she’s strong and independent because...she naturally was.

She’s brave. Braver than he’d ever be. He wanted her to know that.

Frown morphing into an all familiar smile, she squared her shoulders, excited eyes meeting his.

“Well, guess what? I’m getting discharged next week too!” She exclaimed, beam as bright as day. “I was afraid they’d move my discharge date, but thankfully they didn’t. I’m getting better! I’ll be able to attend karate training, and if they allow me, I can even compete in the division match! Or even—”

She stopped short when she heard him snigger.

Sinking into her seat, she hid her blushing face behind two hands.

“Ack! I got really excited...Sorry!”

“Don’t be,” Shinichi said, wiping a stray tear from his eye. If anything, he was elated as much as she was. “What about we plan a meet-up in two weeks?”

“Okay!” Her beam got wider, “Let’s, Shinichi-kun!”

.

.

Her smile was always a source of light.

But not that day.

“It’ll be a quick and painless operation, Mouri-san…”

He didn’t mean to overhear when he passed by her private room the next afternoon, but it was impossible not to. Two other voices, a man and a woman— probably her parents— asked for more details, but he didn’t catch anything else since his mind drifted to another concern. Her reaction.

He waited for her voice. None.

Losing track of how long he’d been standing outside, the doctor passed by him as he exited the room, and the indistinct sobbing of her mom reached his ears.

“Ran...I’m sorry,” said the woman, sadness sown in her words. “You’ll have to stay here for a little longer, okay?”

He didn’t know how long the silence lingered until Ran finally spoke.

“I understand, Okaa-san, Otou-san. I’m okay.”

.

.

“You okay?”

At another time of the day, she would’ve answered differently. But it was two in the morning, when all walls were drawn and her resolve consciously broken down into fragments.

It was two in the morning, when vulnerability was not an unwelcome presence as she sat awake on her hospital bed, anxiety and darkness creeping in her heart and flesh, numbing her lips to a taut line, no grin, no smile, no anything.

“No,” she confessed, raw, uninhibited.

If he’s a different person, she would’ve answered differently. But he’s he. Her constant for a week. The first she’d allowed to enter her private room in the dead of the night. Her rock.

Her shoulders started to shake, sobs cutting through empty silence.

“I just want to return to normal. Go home. Spar. Do homework. I... I don’t want this anymore.”

It was disconcerting to see the usual glint in her eyes gone, her body bowed and trembling - sad, tired, done - but he realized she’d been carrying this for months, and though it’s a sight he didn’t want to see, it’s a sight she needed to expose.

“I’m sorry we cannot leave at the same time, Shinichi-kun...” Ran echoed his thoughts, clutching the thin fabric of his shirt as she cried on the shoulder he offered.

The crack in her voice added to the sting in his heart.

How he wished he could steal her misery away, but he knew no amount of consolation could heal the piled up pain eating her inside out at two in the morning.

If there was just a way, any way.

“Excuse me for doing this...”

He cupped her face and tilted it up.

His eyes met hers, wide and confused, still glazed with tears.

His face was a breath away, lesser when he pressed dry lips over one teardrop cascading down her cheek. He did it to another teardrop— and another, and another— each press gentle like snowflake on her skin, stopping only when not one drop was spared, and his lips were dry no longer.

As soon as he ended, he let up, released her face and backed away to the end of the hospital bed, as far from her as possible. He didn’t want her to think he’s invading her personal space, but he wouldn’t have done that had he not felt like they’ve known each other for years even when it’s just been days.

If it was just him, he didn’t mind it. Didn’t mind proximity. It was a risk to wish she’s on the same ground.

“My...My mom used to do that whenever I hurt myself and cry when I was kid,” he began, not meeting her eyes as he ran his hand through his hair. “You won’t ever hear me admit it to her face, but every time she did that, I’d always calm down.”

A breathy chuckle escaped him, and he peered at her again.

“I...hope it had the same effect on you.”

Ran blinked, didn’t speak.

She returned his gaze, silent as she gorged herself of his image, expression unreadable, and he didn’t know if it’s supposed to be a good thing, or a sign to start apologizing for doing something out of line.

Then her lips pursed; she bent her knees and hugged them, burying her face in them.

“O-Oi! You’re crying again—”

“It does.”

She blurted out, voice muffled by her gown, the bright pitch and lack of quiver in her voice enough of an indication she had stopped crying.

“It does work. Thank you… Shinichi.”

He didn’t need to see her face to know she’s smiling.

Whether it’s the fact that his unusual way of consolation succeeded or that she consciously omitted honorifics in her last statement, Shinichi didn’t bother reasoning the cause of the blush spreading on his cheeks. Soft spring warmth flourished in his chest, as if an orchid seedling buried itself there and had just started blooming.

Shinichi knew enough. He’d fight tooth and nail to see her smile every single day. That’s what she deserved.

“...Your karate match. I’ll watch it.”

“Eh?”

“I’ll visit you. Your upcoming match. I’ll watch it.”

“...But I don’t even know if I’ll recover on time.”

“You will,” he asserted, eyes filled with intent and hope, “And even if you don’t, there’ll still be plenty of matches for you. I’ll watch them all, Ran.”

Her expression shifted easily. Maybe that’s how she coped for so long. Maybe that’s her mastery over her emotions. Whatever the case was, Shinichi found it a blessing, not only to others but to Ran herself.

With how she grasped her sentiments, how she’s in touch with both reality and feelings, how she really meant a smile when she gave it, he knew she’d endure this fight. He believed in her strength.

All he had to do was support her all the way.

“That makes two promises then, Shinichi.”

She scooted close, extended her pinky. “I’ll meet you again outside the hospital. And you’ll watch my future karate matches. Promise?”

“Promise.” He hooked their pinkies together.

There were still so many things he wanted to know about her. He’d wait until she’s out with him.

Until then, he’d remain her rock.

.

.

.

[holyyrose]

And They Were Roommates - H.H

A/N: This has been in my drafts for a long time and I’ve been in love with this concept for a while, but apparently I struggle to string a simple sentence together lately lmao.

Hyunjin x Fem!Reader 

Summary: Roommate AU/Collage AU - The Reader is strapped for cash and much to their dismay Hyunjin seems to be the only one who can help.

Part One / ?

Word Count: 1809

______

“What do you mean you can’t pay the rent, I thought Minho was paying half? He is your roommate after all.” Seungmin questioned, as Y/N, Seungmin long term best friend followed him into a café, thankful that this place had warmth, which contrasted significantly to the weather outside that had nipped at her skin, making her deeply regretful for leaving her apartment this morning without a coat.

After a long day of work, Seungmin became fed up with disorderly customers that came with working in retail and was in desperate need for a break. Therefore, as Y/N’s self-proclaimed best friend, he took it upon himself to interrupt her studies and insist that she meet him at a café in the centre of town. Much to her dismay, he insisted she come instantly, meaning the work she had left far too late to start, would be put off once again, probably not to be completed until late night with yet another caffeinated drink buzzing through her system, but  being equally exhausted and frustrated, she agreed, hurrying out of her small apartment to meet Seungmin.

“He was.” She has exasperated, moving along the queue alongside Seungmin, pulling out her purse so she could pay for her order, however, Seungmin had waved her off, insisting he’d pay.  “So, he just stopped giving you his rent money without any warning?” His face scrunched up with distort, confused by what it seemed she was insinuating.

“What? No. Minho would never. His mother had knee surgery a few weeks ago and she’s been struggling with the recovery. Minho thought it would be best if he moved back in with her for a few months, considering his father works away a lot. I couldn’t tell him that without him living with me, I wouldn’t be able to afford this apartment.” Seungmin sighed at her remark. Grabbing their drinks from the barista, he made his way over to the sofa that was nestled in the corner of the cafe, with fairy lights strung between bookshelves, creating a welcoming and content environment.

“Things haven’t been too great for him. He lost his job at the music store because they went bankrupt then his mum needed surgery. I couldn’t do it to him.” She continued, letting out a low sigh before slumping back into the sofa, letting the plush pillows welcome her. A part of her feeling idiotic for not telling Minho, even more foolish when the words were coming out of her mouth, but it didn’t feel right. She couldn’t burden Minho even more. However, it was evident how strapped for cash she was therefore, she was relieved when Seungmin had decided to pay for her drink.

“You’re too nice y/n/n,” Seungmin laughed, sliding her coffee across the table. “You need to be more direct.”

“This isn’t funny, ok. I need your help, not your laughter.”

“What you need is to find a temporary roommate, someone who can afford to pick up the rent when you’re short.” He continued, rolling his eyes.

“You know,” He paused, drawing out his words. “I happen to know that Hyunjin is looking for an apartment, he has the cash, quite a lot if I do say so myself and-”

“No, no!” She had exclaimed, cutting him off completely.  “Anybody but Hyunjin. You know I can’t stand him.” She exasperated, looking at Seungmin pointedly.

“His house got infested by rats. He needs a place to stay. He’s currently crashing Chan’s sofa because he doesn’t have a spare room, but I’m sure he’d appreciate sleeping on an actual bed.”

“Absolutely not!” She contested, as she took a sip of her drink.

“I’ve overheard him telling Chan and Jisung about those dumb parties he throws, and I can’t afford to lose my deposit on this place.”

“You know what, I take it back. You’re awful y/n/n,” He laughed, shaking his head. “You barely know the guy, I’m sure he’ll respect your decision to be boring.” Seungmin smirked, knowing how easy it was to annoy her. He rummaged through his bag, pulling out his phone before typing away. Her phone lit up, alerting her of a text.

“Here is his number. I know you’re too stubborn to admit it, but you’re desperate and Hyunjin can help you.”

She tried to ignore Seungmin’s stare by looking down at her coffee and fiddling with the lid.

“I don’t hate him.” She had murmured. “Try despise.”

“Y/n/n!” Seungmin exclaimed, furrowing his brows. “You can be so difficult sometimes.”  

“Ok, I’m sorry.” She sighed, holding her hands up in defence. “He’s just so arrogant ok.”

“He’s one of my best friends, Y/n/n, please consider it. I know you find him infuriating. I do sometimes, but he has the cash and he’s currently sleeping on Chan’s couch, at least feel some sympathy for him.”

“Sorry for Chan.” A few moments had past and Seungmin had yet to speak. The silence was deafening, and he knew that.

 “Ok!” Sitting up straight, Y/N hoped to cut the tension. “Give me a few days and I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” Seungmin smiled, changing his demeanour instantly. “Now let me tell you about what a shitty day I’ve had.”

Day’s seemed to have passed like lightning, Y/N easily becoming consumed by work. It seemed finding another source of income had gone to the back of Y/N’s mind. Instead, deadlines and reading had become the forefront of worry. Although her rent was due in a matter of days, she had pushed to the back of her mind hoping that if she ignored it long enough it would just go away. It seemed that balancing getting a degree and a part-time job as a hotel receptionist was becoming increasingly harder, especially when she had to pick up twice as many shifts as possible to ensure she had enough money to live. Luckily her boss allowed her to do some work during the graveyard shifts as it seemed not many people need to check-in at 2 in the morning, however, maintaining these shifts did mean an unhealthy sleeping pattern which took an overall negative impact on her day to day life. Perhaps ignoring her problems wasn’t the answer.

The day had been long, a 7-hour shift on her day off from University was usually fine, but with the little amount of sleep she had consumed over the past few weeks had started to take a toll on her well-being. Therefore, when she entered her apartment to find heaps of boxes scattered everywhere and 3 boys lounging on her sofa, she deemed it to be a hallucination.

“Ahh, there she is! Y/n/n! How are you?” The voice of her self-proclaimed best his friend, Seungmin, had snapped her out of her thoughts, making her realise this was not, in fact, a hallucination, but real life.

“What are you guys doing here?” She questioned, stunned by the unexpected appearance of Seungmin, Jisung and Chan.

“Erm.” Chan had started, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, almost as if he found himself caught red-handed.

“And what are these boxes doing here?” Stepping closer, she kicked the side of a box, regretting it instantly, as her foot collided with the hard surface, causing her to let out a string of profanities.

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that sweetheart.”

This particular voice had caught her attention, causing her to freeze and the hairs on the back of her neck to stand. Meeting the gaze of this unknown voice, she felt dread coarse through your veins.

Hyunjin.

“I’m moving in, what do you think it looks like?” Moving further into the room. Hyunjin appeared in full glory, a smirked staining his lips. He brushed past her, nonchalantly, picking up the box she had just kicked and turning to walk towards Minho’s old room.

“I never officially said you could move in.” She yelled, exasperated by his presence, hurrying past the three lounging boys on the sofa who appeared amused by this interaction, groaning as she pushed past their dangling legs to follow Hyunjin into Minho’s room, who had already unpacked most of his belongings.  

“Well I was getting a little impatient waiting for you to make up your mind and Seungmin here said it would be no problem.”

“Excuse me?” Spinning on her heel, she looked directly at Seungmin who, alongside Jisung and Chan had followed you into Minho’s room. If looks could kill, everyone in the room would be 6 feet under. Looking around, Minho’s room was looking extremely different than the last time she had stepped foot in here. If she was to admit, she hadn’t actually been into Minho’s room for a long time, however, she vaguely remembered photos of his cats which stood proudly on his shelf and memorabilia from concerts they had attended together streamed across his dresser had been replaced with a large bottle of vodka and small trinkets. Most of the stuff she didn’t recognise, but the posters that littered the wall caught her attention. They were almost like Minho’s, but Hyunjin’s taste seemed to vary. His taste seemed to be a little darker.  Seungmin froze at Y/N’s exclamation, stunned by her outburst.  

“You heard me, sweetheart.” Hyunjin pressed, smirking slightly, almost as if he was thriving off her irritation.  

Her face heated at his remark.

“I can’t believe you three are letting him do this.”

“You need the money,” Jisung started, slowly moving from behind Chan, raising his hands in surrender. “And you can’t keep this up.”

She shrugged him off and crossed her arms. “I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”

“It isn’t healthy,” Chan interjected. “And Hyunjin here has money.”

“I don’t care if he has money, I don’t want him living here.”

“You look a mess.”

“Excuse me!” She gasped, turning to face Seungmin, who had appeared next to her. He let out a small cough before continuing.

“What I mean is, you’re exhausted, and you can’t keep pulling extra shifts just to get enough cash. You’re a student and have a lot of responsibilities, so I think it’s only right for us as your friends.” Seungmin spoke, gesturing to surrounding group.

“Hyunjin isn’t my friend.”

“That’s a little harsh don’t you think?” Hyunjin laughed, as he flattened one of the boxes that had previously held his belongings. 

“As your friends,” Seungmin continued, becoming irritated by her stubbornness. “We think it’s only right for us to intervene when we think necessary.” Scoffing, she turned to leave the room, refusing to hear the reality of the situation.

“I’ve already paid 3 months of rent in advance, including your half, so it looks like you’re stuck with me sweetheart.”

She stepped forward, yanking the piece of card out of Hyunjin’s hands, huffing as she did so, but not before saying, “3 months. That’s it. But one slip up, and you’re gone.”