#(but gonna test tomorrow just to be sure)
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this is so messy and i'm not sure on the outfit yet but..veil. big hat. do you see my vision
#i was gonna sleep like 2 hours ago but i had to test out veil big hat fit#sadly i'm not sure i like it as much as i thought i would. hmmmmm#it would look better with a skirt maybe but i tried skirts and they didn't fit the vibes#maybe i should try just normal suit + big veil hat#but also twitch Is the one to show up dressed like they're going to the met gala when everyone else is dressed for a normal ball#will try more tomorrow but it's 2am#wips
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ok gonna day drink
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aughhh the hell of like. being sick but feeling decent like i could go to class. and the knowledge that like. probably shouldnt. and also my class is in half an hour and i havent had lunch
#jaytalking#i have tested negative so far. one friend said she would bring around covid tests an hasnt yet so i have no way of checking after this unle#i want to trek for like. 20 minutes to the hospital pharmacy and spend another 20 bucks#i am not going to go to class bc i sat up and had the worst headache in the world and a friend said they would send me the notes but ugh.#bye bye five points bc nobody's gonna record the lecture for me and i don't really want to like. retool those notes#ughhh being sick during school is the worst especially bc its like. i don't really feel like i can miss class but i really shouldn't be goi#but if i'm still feeling shitty tomorrow and i don't go to class i'm going to miss a class discussion and another lecture and also a studio#day for my drawing class. and i'm already missing a studio day for a different art class with no response from my teacher yet#why is being sick like the worst thing in the goddamn world#maybe i email my professor about the discussion and be like heyyyy ive been sick and im not sure if im going to make it to class so what#should i do about that discussion. blease. i don't want to lose easy points just because i can't control my immune system#also yeah i think i would die in that lecture. i just wish somebody would record it :ouh:#maybe i shouldve emailed my professor this morning but also its a big lecture hall and i don't think she normally records anything so hey.#ill never know bc im starving and im going to eat my lunch now
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welp, the thing i have been dreading for literal years is happening tomorrow and i am. Unhappy, but thankfully calm, for the moment.
#i think i’m just so used to being stressed all the time at this point that the new stress isn’t as noticeable#but my focus was CLEARLY shot so that killed schoolwork a few hours early#the combo of this Thing happening tomorrow and finding out i’ve had my first (known) ✨COVID exposure✨ is simply incredible#my brain is attempting to fold itself up a million times smaller and smaller until it disappears#like. for the record.#i do not believe i have COVID. i think i’m fine there#(but gonna test tomorrow just to be sure)#and the Bad Thing is ENTIRELY routine and normal and fine and i LITERALLY planned it myself#but it’s just specifically REALLY triggering for me for reasons that even i don’t understand#so i just know it’s gonna be a mess#i will probably cry and hyperventilate and possibly have a breakdown for a few hours#but i DON’T think i’m gonna go into a months-long and possibly unrecoverable depressive episode#which is what i USED to think was gonna happen when i did this#so uh? improvement??#it will be fine#but also. Why
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wondering whether i should take my C2 seminar exam tomorrow or next tuesday
#im like 120% sure ill pass since the test format is gonna be even easier than last semester but id just rly love to sleep in tomorrow#mp
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Ya know, current setups are real fun, but I've been playing horse games again lately and I've noticed some things...
If Roxy were to find the horses in storage and decide to keep them as her own, her only knowledge of horses up to that point would be horse games. I'm trying to think about the other ones I've played because I can't say I ever really looked for accuracy before, but depending on the games, Roxy would have a surprisingly hard time with this.
To my memory, none of them have the saddle positioned correctly. I don't remember any that used martingales or chest plates which some of the Plex horsies have. Horse games are designed in such a way that you can visibly see where the budget and time was put in, meaning you have some games that tell you a little about what you're doing, and some that are very detailed about certain aspects of horse care, but completely fuck up the rest of it. It's fascinating to me.
If Roxy played Bella Sara for example, she would know you can't ride until you've cared for your horse, but she wouldn't know about any sports outside of show jumping. If she played Pony Friends, she would know about trail riding, that racing is a thing and that horses get sick if not cared for properly, but may not understand that you can't ride a sick horse. Sick horses aren't really relevant here, but you see my point.
Like the standard sports tend to be show jumping, cross country and the chronically under-explained dressage games. They also all have a mechanic for brushing the horse and cleaning the hooves out, with most of them having you clean out the stable too. BUT none of them are consistent outside of that. So even if she played a bunch of them, she's not going to know what she's doing at all
Brushing and combing is straight forward enough. There's a method to doing hooves and stuff she'd not know but if she can figure out how to lift their foot up, she'll be fine. She may also know about leg wraps from some games and would find it pretty easy to do simple hairstyles with them, though the tail would be a bit harder.
But that saddle is not staying on that horse. She may get a basic bridle right but probably doesn't know what the bit is. The horses are literally built to help in teaching this stuff and they're struggling trying to find ways to help her but they're fucking horses man. What are they gonna do? All they can do is kinda give her a nudge, make loud noises, move out the way, steal shit and bite her. The Minis are trying to help but they also don't know what they're doing at all so that's not working either
The absolute relief when Roxy finds Foxy's bird and reactivates her. They've never been so excited to see a duck before. Things get easier at least, but lack of information is only part of the issue for Roxy so uhh... Yeah it's not the biggest improvement ever, but hey! At least the saddle's staying on this time!
#this was just an observation from the games I've been playing#got me thinking about it ya know?#i could ramble all day about my horse games and the choices made in their development#since i decided to go back and look at them again a while ago as an adult they've really fascinated me#like... why are they like this? i have theories#but this is a fnaf blog so any rambling about horse games is staying off it#unless someone wants me to for some reason??#but yeah roxy would struggle for so many different reasons here#i want to illustrate these problems somehow i just haven't figured out how#a fic maybe? or a comic of sorts? i dunno#but the horses are the perfect topic to show both roxys curious nature and her more...#hmmm i guess violent? aggressive? short tempered??? not sure on that one but it shows things along those lines too#what happens when she's happy and living her best life and what happens when her trust is broken and loyalty is tested#this has nothing to do with the horsies themselves but they are at the heart of it#anyway i was gonna save this for tomorrow but eh the horsies get a free pass#horsies are exempt from everything ever this is the law
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#wow ok so the new nurse practitioner im connected with is uh. The Worst Person#extremely discriminatory#doesnt give a fuck about her patients well being or health#wont do her job properly even when its fucking over said patients#is lazy as shit and tries to get out of doing any work whatsoever even just checking a fax#and has now screwed my healthcare over bc she's going on vacation for 2 weeks and DIDNT INFORM ME even tho i have tests scheduled#and am supposed to start meds that r extremely time sensitive#but now i just. Cannot access them bc she wont prescribe them before she leaves#so uh. ok. we're fuckin Done w this#gonna talk to my support worker tomorrow and explain and ask for a referral outside the program#which suuuucks bc that means said NP would have to do it and im sure she'll put up a fight but uh#ya no sweetie we r done w this#u hate disabled ppl and think my life and health is a joke#u have spent 3 weeks sabotaging any attempts i have made at getting adequate care and access to resources#genuinely and actually Fuck Off And Die#this is. truly infuriating i rly dont have words#like hooo boy if i had to quote some of the shit she's said and done y'all would be shocked#which is rly saying something considering the abysmal state of healthcare in most countries rn#aiyaiyai#Fuck This#i am. so so so done
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the book display in my buildings study room has a jkr book... hatching a plan in my brain to steal it and destroy it and stick a trans sticker where it used to be
#they probably dont care that much abt their shitty little book display right?#its mostly travel guides and 2 euro romance novels#so i get the sense its just 'whatever the fuck people had lying around to make into a display;#why does a study room even have random novels anyway. surely if youre gonna have them youll put them in the lobby#anywho theres a couple other people in the room w me rn so i cant steal it right now but ill pop in tomorrow for a bit n test my luck
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DID YOU MISS THE EXAM... Either way I can believe in that superstition for a sec I'm so sorry 😭😭😭
NONO I TOOK IT. BARELY. I BARELY TOOK IT. I JUST THOUGHT CLASS WAS GOING TO BE NORMAL BUT NOPE <3<3<3
#snap chats#ngl cried a lil in classs... mightve scribbled a bit on the page.. which has happened before when taking spanish tests LMAO#the rage and anger i felt... oh to punch a wall like i literally just wanted to leave and scream#and i havent felt that kind of anger in a hot minute it was so ugly LMAOOOO so stupid nothing even majorly bad happened#it just the build up ig.... anyways...#I THOUGHT IT WAS WEDNESDAY CAUS EI HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT TOMORROW#AND ASSIGNMENTS ARE USUALLY DUE THE DAY BEFORE THE EXAM BUT. OK. FUCK ME IG#when i finally stopped being a big ol baby i focused on the questions and they weren't actually too hard so im p sure i did fine#it was just... The Emotional Damage of walking in thinking it was gonna be a chill day after Everythin and its like :) No Exams Today :)#the funnier bit is that i literally asked my professor and then she forgot to give me the exam so i had to ask her for it 🧍♂️#right after asking about the exam 🧍♂️like i know im unremarkable but you JUST spoke to me....#my reputation of being the most invisible man continues..... an ironic title to have but ill take it....#call my ass kellam the way i have to remind people im here <3 fe homies will know what that means and they'll know im right </3#anyway to end the horrible night. Hopefully. i was gonna get milk from the milk dispenser Because We Have Those#and the milk i usually get was empty so i got the second one and the spout was tilted weirdly so the milk just went backwards#so that was fun. to get. and then a guy tried getting chocolate milk after me and Something happened cause he just yelled the f slur LOL#what a day... it's no one's day today apparently.....#anyway Lesson Learned don't fuck with three's. i don't like the number three it always gives me bad vibes...#did i disclose my Unhealthy relationship with numbres.. i prob did lol.. ima wrap this post up now...
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FEELS BAD 👎
#this Mystery Cold that isn’t the flu or strep or Covid is making me feel worse than Covid did#I’ve taken two negative tests and I’m gonna do another one tomorrow just to be sure#I knew this was gonna happen tho lol…as I had my head too close to a Strange Restaurant Toilet and was like#‘better not catch anything after my food poisoning from this’#and I felt in my BONES that I was gonna…
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I fear I've made a grave mistake
#covid was going around at work so i made sure to keep my N-95 on at all times and use proper ppe with any covid resident#because i was Not gonna get sick befote comic-con#and i didn't!#but comic-con's over and i think i might have caught covid during the convention 😬#fortunately my sunday cosplay was quite literally a giant box with a hole over the eyes so i doubt i really passed it on then#but i wasn't wearing a mask (despite being very aware that i could end up getting covid because it's a huge crowd of people)#and i am realizing that was a Mistake#I'm only feeling a little gross so far but it's making me remember how much covid sucked#(not as bad as the flu tho so at least there's that?)#and wearing a mask would have been so much less uncomfortable than that constant headache and sore throat#I'm gonna hopefully get tested tomorrow and obviously I'll wear a mask if i leave the house even if it's negative just to be safe#but next year i think I'll probably make some cute lil masks to match my cosplays#because this was A Mistake™#(and it was a fairly shitty weekend too because apparently i only catch covid on shitty days)#(the first time i got it was - i think - from watching Morbius in theaters because it was the only place i didn't mask up bc snacks)#(so i guess i just gotta stop making bad decisions and having bad days)#okay I'm going to bed so i can wake up and get tested and hopefully find out I'm wrong 🤞
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ugggghhh ok so I’m reading some books to prep for my student teaching in the fall, the ones that my host teacher knows are likely to be in the curriculum, and first of all why is it a thing that high schoolers are made to read Contemporary Lit Fic that can be summed up as “how many gory explicit descriptions of traumatic abuse can we fit into one book”, like every year it’s just One Standard Shakespeare Play, One Twentieth-Century American Classic, throw in some other shit, and Somebody’s Fucked-Up Memoir From A Decade Or So Ago. Are there any contemporary books that are good but NOT traumatizing? If not, I’m happy to stick to classic lit personally
ANYWAY so I’m reading this book to prep for the fall and I ended up skimming the whole latter 3/4 or so of the book to spoil it for myself so the suspense wouldn’t kill me, and now I’m up late despite being super tired because my brain is just cycling through every horrific thing in the book, plus the reviews I read online, some of which are insanely saying shit like “wah wah, get over it, stop whining, we all had rough times in our childhood” and I’m like... Am I the softest, most naive baby on the planet for reacting to this horrific memoir by feeling bad for the author and thinking that maybe we don’t need to be making high schoolers read this? I’m not saying it’s not well-written- it is well-written, and well-structured, but Jesus Christ.
(also why are we allowed to make students read horrifying memoirs of abuse but god forbid they know that slavery happened in this country, but that’s a different issue altogether)
so yeah I now have managed to make my entire evening about Trying And Failing To Get Some Images Out of My Head, which sucks because I had a LOVELY day and was looking forward to some well-earned sleep, and also I’m gonna have to go back and read the entire book so that I’m able to teach it properly and know all the literary devices in it and shit. Cool cool cool
#this is the same classroom where i did my student observing and their 'holocaust book' was this book called sarah's key#which is also unnecessarily traumatizing but doesn't even have the decency to be written well#and i asked my host teacher like 'hey. do we provide any like... emotional support to the students when they read That Scene'#and she was like 'yeah i have them write a response paper about their emotions reading the scene'#and idk i'm not 100% sure that's enough?#i know high schoolers put on a big song and dance about how edgy they are and how they can handle seeing any fucked-up shit#and some of them really do unfortunately have to live with fucked-up shit for real#but like. they're still humans? who are growing and developing? let's maybe give them breathing room with these things?#i love my host teacher she's great but i'm not confident she's gonna provide a lot of emotional support re: this memoir to the students#she's also way tougher and more resilient than i am. and so are most of the students tbh. i'm a tiny baby kitten and i know this#still i feel like we should probably allow some room for acknowledging Yeah That Was Fucked Up Huh#It's Normal To Feel Sad Now Actually#ANY THE FUCKING WAY. wish i'd gone to sleep early like i planned#at least it's the weekend tomorrow and all i have to do is go prove i don't have tuberculosis. again!!!!#(not that i had tuberculosis before. i just got tested before but it was over 6 months ago so not good enough)#that's also for student teaching!#i feel like my personal posts on this blog are just a psa on why not to become a teacher#i swear i love teaching lol but i love kvetching more#written by me
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hmm. i think. maybe i can't actually get better
#i'm sure this feeling will pass. it always does#but god there are just so many barriers. so many doctors i need to see. tests to do. exercises that will exhaust and hurt me at first#difficult mental exercises that will cause me emotional anguish at first while i'm bad at them#the guarantee that i'm going to feel beaten down & hopeless. repeatedly. indefinitely. until i finally start seeing progress#until i finally find the right doctors. the right tests. the right treatments. build up my strength. and stamina.#all the while i'm on a ticking clock in regards to my pets and family who are just gonna keep getting older#who fucking knows how long it will take to be Better and i'm fucking running out of time. i need to be better tomorrow#i need to be better yesterday. last year. two‚ three years ago#and ALL of this while i'm trying to figure out what kind of meager amount of income i could potentially make#how do you work while you're completely and utterly broken? how do you pay for those vet bills? new exercise shoes#to help with your pain? (the old ones are a decade old). a new desk chair so you could potentially do work at your desk#new clothes everytime you gain more fucking weight#and then you start to wonder: is all this stress giving you health issues? are you gonna have a bad heart in 5-10 years?#how do i reduce this stress so i can deal with these things better??? how do i reduce stress when it consumes my entire fucking life??#i am. so tired#darryl speaks
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ive calmed down a little bit and im going to try and isolate the best i can. im supposed to move in to my dorm this weekend so just. really really gonna avoid anyone until im clear
#taking a test to make sure tomorrow and then gonna take another before the move#echoed voice#even then tho im gonna see if i can attend class virtually at first just to be safe
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My brain is. Goop. Running at about quarter speed right now. It's a little bit embarrassing, actually.
#speculation nation#i was poking around the class website and saw the class participation for today wasnt open#which made me remember that my professor mentioned not being here one day this week#and it took me. too long to remember if she said today or thursday.#literally checked the calendar over it (it wasnt stated on there) before i Finally remembered that class participation doesnt open until#class time starts.#so im Prettyyy sure that she said she'd be here today. and it's thursday she wont be.#it just got so lost over the weekend. most things. have been. lol.#between the stress of finishing that midterm on Thursday and then hanging out with friends and procrastinating my essay exam#(while also still being stressed about procrastinating my essay exam)#a lot left my mind. i straight up forgot that we were supposed to have dnd yesterday night#i got up from my failed nap and realized it was an *hour and a half* after when it was supposed to start. i felt so bad.#thankfully it turned out others couldnt make it either so it ended up canceled but Man.#i need to get a grip. i need to stop procrastinatng. i have an online exam on thursday tho & a video audition to finish Preferably by friday#and im going driving practicing tomorrow & im determined to make it the last one before i take my driving test. which means parking practice#really really really remembering why i hate college. dear fucking god please help me.#also have a book to finish by the end of the month. im probably going to be working on that over the weekend.#buuuut after that i have. uhh. like 6 more weeks of the semester? which means im gonna keep roughin it#but. it also means im getting closer to the end. and at least i'll have a few weeks break.#and then... my final semester... and so much more work.... aughhhh#im doing my best though. i may be struggling but im still finishing all my fucking work and im finishing it well.#i will bend but i will not break!!!!!! i will get good fucking grades!!!!! just watch me!!!!!!!!!
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#I had to go into work cause my test yesterday was negative and like#I had really bad insomnia and have been up since 2:45am#and I had a really bad headache#so I didn’t feel 100% okay#but in like the span of an hour I’ve gone from kinda okay to feeling like I have like a full blown flu#I’m only in for a short shift but like#considering#I’m pretty sure it’s covid#not taking my mask off cause I don’t want to get anyone else sick#just gonna suffer through with no food/water until I go home#fucking dumbass company policies like this are what is making the surge so bad rn and it’s dumb#I’m too sick at this point- I’m just gonna call out anyways if my test is still negative tomorrow#worst case scenario it’s covid/best case maybe it’s just a sinus infection
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