#(because i have to scroll past this every time i look at my own blog lol)

[bread-tab]

#i was just liveblogging my therapy progress lol #did not expect this

i'm putting my tags in the post because the above addition happened when the post was at, like, idk, a few hundred notes??? and the one above that when it was at, like, a couple dozen. and that's the version that popped off, where i was thanking people for that dozen notes. lmao

and i'm pinning this so if you clicked my blog you can see that fun tidbit, and because i want to remember what an incredibly positive experience this has been. this is my second viral post (on any website, ever), and my first one was a shitpost about the frustrations of being sleep deprived. every single tag i see on this post is like "i've been doing this too and it improved my life" or "i want to get better at this" or "nice job OP."

this has, as you can imagine, been ridiculously validating.

and honestly, you know, i was just posting about a subtle habit i'd picked up that i'm not even that consistent at yet. i'm not good at this! the word "mindfulness" still makes me go eww. but here we are. turns out it still matters

the overwhelmingly positive response has really encouraged me to keep at this and continue finding little ways to bring more agency in my life.

so, seriously. thanks

💖

if you're wondering how to start this kind of habit for yourself...

someone in the notes recommended an app called OneSec which helps remind you to think about whether you actually want to open an app or website.

anything you can use to create a little friction or pause before you zone out works in the same way; isolating those apps in their own little folder, deleting the app so you're forced to use the web version, logging out of things, etc.

i use a launcher app called Minimalist Phone which, among other things, lets me decide how long i want to spend in an app and then prompts me to stop using it after that time. i encourage you to experiment with these kinds of tools and fight back against the mechanisms that exist to exploit your attention.

my own journey to this point was long and complicated and basically added up to millions and millions of small choices, decisions to try out ways of thinking and strategies to get better. those are going to be different for everyone. we all get these opportunities but they're very specific to our own lives. the principle behind it all, though, is that every little choice you make means something. every little experience you have. even if that's just looking at memes.

if you're feeling helpless, you can take the power over your own life back starting in really, really tiny ways.

start by making a specific choice like "instead of just opening an app and scrolling, i'm going to specifically search for 'cute orange cat photo' and feel a moment of satisfaction when i find one i like."

come up with your own teeny tiny goal that aligns with your interests. do that once to open the door. do it twice to establish a pattern. do it three times to make it a habit. do it again just because you can.

if making a goal feels too big, you can start with asking yourself questions. be casual about it. "what's fun about this?" "am i seeing things i like?" "what's keeping my attention here?"

it doesn't really matter what you ask as long as it gets your thoughts stirring. it's even okay if it's not a question you can actually answer. starting to notice what you're doing builds up the awareness that allows you to make choices.

the thing is, our brains don't really understand the difference between a little decision and a big one. under the emotional baggage, it's all just decisions. if you want to get more confident overall, you can trick yourself into it by practicing with these little things.

the practice counts. it starts with daring to try a new chip flavor even if you might not like it, or deciding you want to learn something today and googling "fun animal facts," or realizing "this youtuber pisses me off" and closing the video...

and before you know it you've slipped into applying the same thought process to bigger decisions and your life is changing for the better. it adds up. but you can start here, with small steps, where only you can see it and it's low-pressure. you have the power. you have unlimited chances to make it work. give yourself an opening, even if it's just a pinhole

somehow, amazingly, i have hacked the impulse that makes me mindlessly scroll on my phone. it's not gone but i've paired it with a conscious thought process that goes like, "what's my goal here? i'm looking for entertainment, for information, for something that makes me feel more optimistic and interested in the world i live in..."

and because that kicks in between apps, too, i'm not doomscrolling as much. i'm intentionally seeking out posts or videos or whatever that actually mean something to me. when i'm not satisfied i walk away or pick up a book instead. most subtle yet impactful change i've gone through in years

i did not intentionally set out to change this. i've just been working on my mindset in general. hey, turns out having a good therapist again helps

[shuenkio]

Midas touch | 선우 (͡⁠°⁠‿⁠ ͡⁠°) 엔.하.이.픈 ᝰ.ᐟ

Paring: Sunoo X Male!reader ᝰ.ᐟ Genre: Suggestive, Fluff.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Synopsis: Big boy is upset and sulking knowing that you'll be working as a makeup artist on the other members

Cw: slight Curse, jealous, a lil possessive.

Non proof read / Eng is not my 1st.

This is a work of fanfiction, do not throw unnecessary tantrums on this nsfw/sfw blog. ©Shuenkio

AᝰN: Sorry to my anon that I didn't do justice for this to be smau :( after thinking and write through for a while I'm okay with the suggestive instead. I hope you don't mind and give it a go >< thanks for the idea .

➽──────────────❥

Every fans dream was to be close to their own idols, such as work as stylists, make up artists, managers and so on. But little did they do, there was no love involved. Work means work, you can't go to work just to love your idol, you go to work for passion and living, isn't that right? Common sense.

However it was one in a million that you get chosen as a male make up artist for one of a popular boy group, ENHYPEN. Yet that was in the past, actually you've worked for them for God knows how long, ever since their Debut era, Given-Taken. If somebody asks how many things you've witnessed watching them grow, Proud is the only answer.

Being this young, and getting to walk in the same journey with the 7 boys, it's truly life changing, not only watching them grown, your mindset, maturity, emotional have grown too. You get to pinpoint what's right or wrong.

Present time, the one and only member that you've been working for the ultimate is Sunoo. To say how experienced you were with him, is quite easy. Sunoo is a guy who's easily outgoing, fun to talk to, making you feel exist, being by his side is never bored just sometimes when he's bored, he's scrolling his media.

➽──────────────❥

Making your way to the music show make up room, because ENHYPEN just came back with a new repackage album. There'll be tons of work for shooting promotions music shows, make up is very... Important.

Today is different, the boy's manager approaches you with some other new staff as well. He announced that you will be moved to work with another member, that turns out to be Jungwon for the next few months since the former staff took their break, while Sunoo got a new female staff member. Somehow it makes no sense why you have to move, when the new staff could go right to Jungwon but soon, was explained by the manager himself, that Jungwon suggested he wanted to work with you, also Sunoo is getting along pretty well with girls so why not. It clicked after the manager in the state, nothing more to be curious about.

Get to work right after, as you are doing make up for Jungwon, the leader seems happy that you agree to work with him while he chit chat with you how he had seen your work, your calm presence, and your aura around Sunoo and other people as well which response by your chuckle. Is that all he wanted? Silly boy. Beside that, Jungwon would find many dad crack jokes on you, practice his flirty skills out of the blue that affect you a lot, finding yourself tummy freeze from laughing.

Unbeknownst to you, Sunoo is upset and sulking on the other side. He was pouting all the time as the new female staff did her job quietly, and didn't dare to ask why. He was seen taking a deep sigh, chin resting, and introvert the whole time. Not when he heard Jungwon is flirting with you, all the goofy and cheese stuffs hearing from the other side that would make him hot. Yet he bottled it up, waiting for the right moment to have a talk with you?

Nearly time up for the attendance for the promotion shooting, the manager would ask all the members to get prepared, pee or drinks and essential things to do, that could delay the time. Coincidentally, as you are making your way to the bathroom, you see Sunoo was there too, but it seems like, when he looks at you, his eyebrows furrowed together just like you did something to make him mad.

Just like usual, best friend for many years, you go up and ask what's wrong with him, politely when he responds back making you surprised.

"M/n you never know who I am but... Seeing you with Jungwon makes my heart hurt!! Come back to me" instead of throwing a tantrum, Sunoo jotting his bottom lip out, pouting on the edge of crying as he speaks.

What is going on really, this is not sad but funny.

"oh gosh Sunoo snort i never knew you'd cry for this, but it's just a few months. It's not like

I only did it on him bias, sometimes I'd work on other members too including you, stop sulking it's not Sunoo anymore" You claim, explain how it works, as results that does light him up a lil bit, before flashing you a bright smile like he used too.

"Hug? Please~"

" sigh Okay, Hug" intended your arm open, as his talk frame wrapped around your small body. His hand smoothed over your back in slow, soothing circles, and you could feel the unspoken comfort in the way his chin rested on the crooked of your neck. All at once, the naughty hands of Sunoo grope both of the cheeks behind your back, His hand found your cheek with a touch that was both rough and unintentional, the calluses of his fingers brushing against your skin like an afterthought.

"Sunoo!? What's this behavior" You whine, as his hand feels your butt cheeks, carelessly on it as if he worships them, giving them some attention in case they need it but that's just him.

"but I miss this saur much, well I think it's bigger than mine now the last I've touched it, haha" Sunoo wheeze under his throat, as he pulled back his hands away and handed up like a police officer arrested him.

"You naughty boy, you're only sunshine in front of the fan but not for me" Blushing, tinted on your face. Crossing your hands over your chest, turn away from his playfulness. At some points his touch does make you feel the unspoken strange too, it kinda... Hot?

"okay okay, I won't do it again M/n don't be mad at me. Oh they're calling! See you later, I'll treat you to a cup of coffee after this, mwah" Blowing the sweetest kiss, before disappearing out of your sight.

Exhaled softly alone in the rest room, you find yourself thinking about his sudden touch earlier that does magic on you that can't be forgotten easily. It's just a few weeks apart from him before the comeback, but he grows more bold? Sigh deeply.

"Shit, why am I rock hard over this. Pull yourself together M/N!"

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

[safetycar-restart]

KINKTOBER DAY 22: COCKWARMING [LOGAN SARGEANT X READER]

NOTE: This is an NSFW fic with sub!Logan and dom!reader. If you are under 18 or uninterested, scroll past. Alternatively, if you like what you see here then consider checking out my blog :))

This work forms part of a kinktober series where I discuss a different kinky concept with a different motorsports athlete every day. We also discuss the concepts in more detail on my blog so if you have any thoughts, feel free to stop by!

(Since it's COTA, I figured we should have some Logan thoughts)

It's no secret that Logan has had a tough season, and that he's being very very hard on himself about it. And honestly I think the best thing anyone could do for him is just give him a safe space?

Logan feels so much pressure to perform, to be good for Williams, to represent his country, to prove himself, to perform for his family and himself and it just... it gets too much for him sometimes. When the race goes badly, or even just mediocrely. He gets so stuck in his own head and he doesn't need someone to try and distract him, he needs someone to just give him a safe space where he doesn't have to perform like that.

And cockwarming is perfect for that?

He starts to ask for it actually, starts to come to you after races and fall into your arms, mumbling against your ear and asking if you two can spend the night in the hotel and not go out. You say yes of course, knowing that Logan needs quiet time.

He holds your hand the whole trip to the hotel, trying to keep it together in front of the team but you can see how he's struggling. It's all reaching the point where he's put too much pressure on himself for too long and now something has to give.

When you get to the hotel, he says he's going to have a bath by himself, clearing trying to tell you he needs a moment and so you agree of course, telling him you'll order room service in the mean time.

You're alone in the hotel room for all of ten minutes before you hear crying from the bathroom, and two minutes later he's calling for you. You have to wait until he calls, because you know how much trust it takes for Logan to let someone see him like this. If you go before he asks, he'll feel violated and uncertain if he can leave the door unlocked anymore. You would never ever do that to him.

So you wait until he calls, and then go.

You find him sitting in the bath, crying with his knees brought up to his chest. When he spots you, he just mumbles, " 'm sorry, it's just... I dont know it's all so much."

Your heart breaks for him, and rather than say anything you just hold your hand out for him to take. There's nothing you can say, but you can look after him.

You dry him off, ignoring that tears are still running down his cheeks and then take him to the bedroom. He hides under the blankets with you, resting against your chest and talking about his day. He tells you how sad and disappointed he is, how much he wishes he could do better, how much of a disappointment he is.

You let him talk, kissing his head and rubbing his back at the same time to give him some extra comfort. He talks himself hoarse, letting himself complain and rant and have a little pity party because he needs to be allowed to feel those things.

When he stops talking, he stays cuddled against your chest. After a little while, he looks up at you and gives you a small smile, thanking you for listening and saying he loves you. You give him a little kiss, promising him that you love him too and that you're always willing to listen to him.

It's then that he moves up and requests some more kisses, turning into a slow makeout session. You know where this is going, and you're more than happy with that.

"Can we?" logan asks, a little smile on his face.

"Of course we can," you tell him, always happy to be close to him.

So you stroke him to hardness, kissing away his little whines and shaky breathes until he's ready for more.

It's so slow as he enters you, inch by inch until eventually he's as far as he can go and then he just collapses against you. You hold him close, trading soft kisses and just enjoying being close.

You two will stay like that until Logan gets soft enough to slip out, and then you'll warm up the room service you ordered and talk about anything except racing.

But for now, Logan is happy and safe in your arms, finally able to let everything go and just enjoy being close to you.

[megabuild]

bit of a ramble below! tl:dr; i have insane person problems and realised that this blog isn't healthy for me so won't be coming back until i'm in a better place, i have no intent on deleting it but may password protect it in the coming days for my own peace of mind :P love yall!

the absolute basics on my situation is that i almost certainly have OCD, have been vocal about this likelihood in the past, and while i was aware i was susceptible to obsessions and compulsions irt online interactions and my posts on here i was not actually aware of how debilitating the effect this was having on my life was until i went completely cold turkey and blocked tumblr from all my devices. like genuinely night and day. i have so much more free time when i'm not spending it constantly name searching on every platform available and scrolling through my blog over and over to be sure that i didn't post a slur by accident lol. i'd rather not get into some of the stupider details of shit ive done in the name of perceived moral purity because that's nobody's business but trust me when i say it was like a weight got lifted off my fucking shoulders lol like i was having regular delusions about making a post so bad grian himself would say i should kill myself on stream and believing it was possible 😭 really good disorder guys i love having this

i have a lot to say about the way this community treats each other, both good and bad, but i think i'd rather hold off and make more informed and thought out posts on that when i'm not still reeling from all the bullshit life's been throwing at me. i do love and value this community so much, especially all the mutuals and friends i've made here. i've also been made extremely uncomfortable in the past by the easiness that people slip into very strange relationships not just with CCs but with their fellow bloggers. including me ! and i am a relatively small blogger in the vast scheme of things. this is no hate to anyone who's sent an anon or whatever, many of you are lovely people, but it's also like, well i have been literally stalked on this blog before so i feel i have justification for being a tad uncomfortable . again, a lot to be said on the celebritification of average people and the obsession on making sure one makes "Objectively Correct" choices when doing something as simple as watching a minecraft series and having opinions on it .. but alas, no brain for it right now, and also i would rather not risk the ire of twitter teenager #48 lest i be qrted by thumbnail artists telling me to lighten up and accept the steady decay of all that is good in this sphere in order to make room for more #Content. Sit down and eat your yaoibait you stupid faggot! sorry this is a serious post ignore that part

to any of my beloved oomfies you are free to message and ask for my discord though i am also being a bit difficult to reach over there rn my bad (and i may not get back to you quickly because as soon I post this I am logging straight the fuck back out).. i have made a separate tumblr account from this one which is less social media and more a little archive of images and art i like (and also is not related to mcyt at all, outside of maybe one or two art reblogs if i see something that really catches my eye) so if we've hung out and you don't exclusively post mcyt you might see me around in your notifs but i'd prefer not to be linked back here. any projects, fics, other blogs etc. i have been working on consider on pause for eternity, with the only exclusions being 3rd life miraheze (which i'm currently looking into options for but will certainly never go away! much love still to all our contributors who have worked tirelessly through wild life to update our various spreadsheets and tables) and aoyuer which i'm sort of picking up and taking away and hitting with hammers until it's sufficiently divided from mcyt and i can call it an oc story for real. peep my toyhouse if ye are so inclined and wont tell the adoptbrained callout squads over there that my oc once upon a time was lowkey rpf.

anyway this has already gotten far too long as i'm a chronic yapper and overexplainer but thank you very much for hanging out with me and talking about these stupid ass blocks. i have a handful of posts in the queue i wont be getting rid of and don't doubt i will come back to chat more shit in future but at the end of the day i'm here to have a fun time on the computer and i just was not having that anymore. i was having a scary and fucked up time on the computer, and life is too short to put yourself through that out of some butchered sense of responsibility to the niche follower base you've cultivated. if you also have ocd delete your blog as soon as it hits 1k like actually. if you worked in the askbox mines and are now facing redundancy then go follow my enemy thecoolerliauditore. or dont im not your boss anymore. im too busy homebrewing my 3ds. smooches mwahs !!!!!!!!!

[i-love-your-light]

too many thoughts on the new hbomberguy video not to put them anywhere so:

with every app trying to turn into the clock app these days by feeding you endless short form content, *how many* pieces of misinformation does the average person consume day to day?? thinking a lot about how tons of people on social media go largely unquestioned about the information they provide just because they speak confidently into the camera. if you're scrolling through hundreds of pieces of content a day, how many are you realistically going to have the time and will to check? i think there's an unfortunate subconscious bias in liberal and leftist spaces that misinformation is something that is done only by the right, but it's a bipartisan issue babey. everybody's got their own agendas, even if they're on "your side". *insert you are not immune to propaganda garfield meme*

and speaking of fact checking, can't help but think about how much the current state of search engines Sucks So Bad right now. not that this excuses ANY of the misinformation at all, but i think it provides further context as to why these things become so prevalent in creators who become quick-turnaround-content-farms and cut corners when it comes to researching. when i was in high school and learning how to research and cite sources, google was a whole different landscape that was relatively easy to navigate. nowadays a search might give you an ad, a fake news article, somebody's random blog, a quora question, and another ad before actually giving you a relevant verifiable source. i was googling a question about 1920s technology the other day (for a fanfiction im writing lmao) and the VERY FIRST RESULT google gave me was some random fifth grader's school assignment on the topic???? like?????? WHAT????? it just makes it even harder for people to fact-check misinformation too.

going off the point of cutting corners when it comes to creating content, i can't help but think about capitalism's looming influence over all of this too. again, not as an excuse at all but just as further environmental context (because i really believe the takeaway shouldn't be "wow look how bad this one individual guy is" but rather "wow this is one specific example of a much larger systemic issue that is more pervasive than we realize"). a natural consequence of the inhumanity of capitalism is that people feel as if they have to step on or over eachother to get to 'the top'. if everybody is on this individualistic american dream race to success, everyone else around you just looks like collateral. of course then you're going to take shortcuts, and you're going to swindle labor and intellectual property from others, because your primary motivation is accruing capital (financial or social) over ethics or actual labor.

i've been thinking about this in relation to AI as well, and the notion that some people want to Be Artists without Doing Art. they want to Have Done Art but not labor through the process. to present something shiny to the world and benefit off of it. they don't want to go through the actual process of creating, they just want a product. Easy money. Winning the game of capitalism.

i can't even fully fault this mentality- as someone who has been struggling making barely minimum wage from art in one of the most expensive cities in america for the past two years, i can't say that i haven't been tempted on really difficult occasions to act in ways that would be morally bad but would give me a reprieve from the constant stress cycle of "how am i going to pay for my own survival for another month". the difference is i don't give in to those impulses.

tl;dr i hope that people realize that instead of this just being a time to dogpile on one guy (or a few people), that it's actually about a larger systemic problem, and the perfect breeding grounds society has created for this kind of behavior to largely go unchecked!!!

[schoolhater]

i agree w this person's perspective i just think there should be some context:

palestinians use a lot of these tricks too. on instagram, palestinians with fundraisers started making videos in english that typically began with "stop! don't scroll" or something to that effect. as people started getting used to that and scrolling past them, they escalated to other tricks, including stitching their fundraiser to viral tiktoks (this happened on twitter too where people would quote retweet viral tweets with their fundraiser). they also asked influencers to make videos for them. having more resources and social capital than the average gazan, a lot of these were more high production, with artwork, cooking montages, makeup, grwms, american english, etc. and this'll be important later: after some time, the influencers started using similar tricks to turn the fundraiser into entertainment, including attaching it to viral trends, guilt tripping, and surprising people with the fundraiser at the end of a "normal" post. <-- a similar process has happened on tumblr as well

fundraising online has always been like pulling teeth. like even before whats happening now. nobody wants to reblog, let alone donate. fundraisers look ugly on people's blog themes. they provide no entertainment value, which is the primary reason people use tumblr. so of course no one reblogs. fundraisers for socially undesirable people (think black, transfem, "third world") get even less attention. a lot of the tricks you see people pulling now (polls as an example) are taken from personal fundraiser posts from the past.

i can say this from experience and anecdotal evidence from my mutuals: people hate looking at fundraisers. even super popular blogs have lost engagement since they started posting fundraisers, and many people have mentioned having to stagger posting fundraisers/post them alongside because people seriously either unfollow, block, or scroll past when they see a long series of fundraiser posts at once.

overall, the difficulty is that the dehumanization of palestinians and sudanese, any oppressed person, is a constant presence that most individuals are completely unable to solve on their own. the fact that these people even have to ask strangers for help in their second language is dehumanizing. thats why, for a lot of people, resorting to tricks like these doesn't feel like a huge problem even though it is uncomfortable.

that being said, someone using a trick to capture attention because they know their humanity is not enough to motivate people to donate, and someone from the imperial core, miles more privileged than them, with more "humanity" afforded to them, using these tricks, is different. neither are capable of undoing the dehumanization of these people, but it is more insulting when the privileged people with more resources perpetuate that dehumanization. it's our responsibility to fight this wherever we can, but i'm not entirely sure where to go from here. cuz the tags are right - it shouldn't be necessary! but every time people try to fundraise it devolves into the same tricks that always work on the internet. so i don't have an solution.

[fvrtvne]

i'm not really sure why you rp isabela as avoidant to romance when she's clearly available to romance in game?

I'd have recommended coming off of anon so I could DM you about this privately, but no, you're choosing to waste my time with this ask.

Really? Really?

I need you to step back for a moment and ruminate on these questions ;

) Do you remember Dragon age 2?

) Did you just mindlessly mash through dialogue because hhrrrr pirate lady hot sexy hgghhdhghsouhhhh?

) Did you even play Dragon Age 2?

Look, I get it's hard to sit back and remember every piece of dialogue, but if you even remotely cared about Isabela as a character / actually cared enough about the game to listen to her dialogue then you'd understand that she does NOT want to be in a relationship when you first meet her.

Beyond maybe, idk, looking over her wiki, what vibes beyond finalizing your romance with her gave you the impression that she was going to throw her arms around you and run off into the sunset? Where in any of the story, even through bits of dialogue, does Isabela ever hint that she's ready to settle into a committed relationship?

Here, let me grab one of my favorite (not actually) excerpts from her wiki page; (which, btw, since we're here, google's free) ;

But Madam Hari grew disillusioned with the life of a fraud and eventually she converted to the Qun to give meaning to her life. She sold Isabela into marriage with a business associate of the Antivan Crows, Luis, when she refused to convert. While Isabela offers numerous interpretations of the bargain her mother struck when she was given away, she is noted as having told Varric Tethras once that her mother gave her away in exchange for nothing more than the promise that she would be looked after. Luis took her to Antiva City and they were married three weeks later, just shy of Isabela's nineteenth birthday.

Alright, cool, hoping you digested that, because I'm gonna go ahead and link this image that accompanies that entry.

Does this look like someone who's happy with the prospect of marriage? Does this look like someone who isn't traumatized by a decision made without her consent?

I know this bit was hidden behind comics for like maybe a month (year? idk) after it was published, but for fucks sake, it's been on something as accessible as wikipedia since (and i spent over 20 minutes scrolling) March 15th 2013.

Consider, maybe even momentarily, that Isabela perhaps doesn't want to relive that trauma, or perhaps doesn't even want to come close to feeling as trapped as she did when her mother had made a life-altering decision without a SHRED of concern for her daughters wellbeing.

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment, yeah?

She spends the next 8-10(ish) years of her life pretty much coping with this by never settling down, even in terms of location. Through her own dialogue, even being stuck in one place for too long is almost too much for her.

If that isn't enough, please, for the love of god, consider additional dialogue she provides in the game.

You know who shares a similar trauma to her? Fenris. You know who she has a healthy and casual relationship with because neither of them are looking for tied down commitment without some sincerity and legwork due to their similar feelings of helplessness? Fenris. You know what kind of blog you wouldn't send an ask like this to bc you're very clearly hung up on Isabela? Fenris.

Yeah, they fuck nasty, but even in the mission you do to even recruit her, Isabela proves time and time again (until you ofc complete her romance mission) that she's violently uninterested in a deeper connection beyond casually fucking. (In her own words; "it was just rutting".)

Sure, you can romance her and have a semblance of some kind of relationship with her, but you, as Hawke, (provided you're romancing her), spend SEVEN TO EIGHT YEARS building foundations of TRUST and COMFORT to prove to her that you're capable of not only understanding her past, but helping her through it. You're proving that YOU can stand beside her when shit goes south, and that you're not going to prevent any attempt she makes to claw toward her own self liberation.

I've been writing Isabela for close to 12 years now, and I know the ins and outs of her character better than I know half of my college coursework.

Anyhow, replay Dragon Age 2, learn to use google (it's free! as a reminder!), and maybe order yourself a size 24 loafer to match your clown-car? Idk. Hold this for me.

[mini-jiminie]

moments where I cannot stand these two

hi, I recently remembered that my Tumblr account has been collecting dust on the internet for the past 4-5 years🤩 I've spent the better part of the last month scrolling through this app and all the jkk blogs like a sugar-crazed toddler. Coming back to tumblr has been an absolute blessing considering how much of a shit show twitter is.

Anyways, I spend a grand portion of my time reading the amazing and intellectual thoughts of jkk blogs on here and decided hey, I'll make my own post about these two.

I've been knees-deep in this bts shit for the past 7 years. Since then, I've witnessed some crazy stuff from those two so, I've decided to compile some moments that:

a) make my toes curl from how much I'm cringing

b) make me so clearly feel the fourth wall,

c) have me looking over at the other bts boys in panic because, how are ya'll just standing there accepting the homoerotic mating ritual before you??

We're starting with a bang girlies. The way I have a visceral reaction to this video every time it comes up on my tl. I couldn't even look at my screen when I was saving it and, it's infinitely worse with the audio too. What are we interrupting exactly??? Toes curling to the highest degree, I'm biting my nails off, akakdncdb.

#someone please save my man joon

This is my genuine reaction to this clip:

2. Do I even need to explain this? It's been years but they still can never get through a round of this palm-pushing game.

Jimin baby, I need you to get up. Every time, I root so hard for him to win at least one run bts game and then, he goes and does shit like this. I'm tired.

Hobi and Tae were fully prepared as backup in case the game got too rowdy, just for those two to be like 😆🥰😊😙

3. Again, I CANT STAND THESE TWO. The coy smiles, eye contact, holding onto the blazer???? There's also a fancam of this focusing on just their legs and,,,,,,girl.

If the mics weren't there, they would've made out– GUNSHOTS.

There are plenty more instances that I'm not remembering but, these ones are the ones that have me crying, hacking and throwing up.

[according2thelore]

i just want to say its insane that this is the best blog AND the best ao3 account. unfair. also i scrolled here forever and came across that art of priest sam and now i'm thinking about what if sam ran off to join the priesthood if he didn't get into stanford...... i don't even know if that's a thing in the 21st century but omg.... dean breaking into a church rectory to steal him back from god....... calling him father to be a dick but also bc...

HOLY SHIT????

um--thank you so much??? omg??? i'm crying?

the best is crazy, considering there are so many incredibly talented and hilarious bloggers that make up our community, and i'm so glad to be part of them! thank you!!!!!! i'm so honoured you like our blog and my fanfic!!! that means the world!!!!! <3 charlotte also says thank you sm!

and yes! priest!sam makes me bark like a fucking dog bc it makes sense! sam, at college, tormented by visions and unsure why walking past the stanford memorial church in the middle of the quad makes his feet burn.

whenever he blesses himself with holy water, it leaves faint red marks on his forehead for the rest of the day that he covers with his bangs. salt really seasons his food, and he can immediately tell if someone put it on his meal.

and he loves jess--he does, so much it hurts--but he can't live like this, not anymore. he applies to seminary school (you have to be at least twenty-five (or twenty-four if you get it waived) to become a priest but let's ignore that for now!) and only gets in because his local priest advocates for him to the diocese. for some reason, his application keeps getting lost, no matter how many times he turns it in. it just vanishes.

he doesn't know that what's inside of him is evil, yet, but he remembers looking at dean sometimes and having to look away because dean seemed bright, physically bright, and it hurt his eyes. he thought it was misplaced lust, that burning in his skin, but remembers that painting of galahad, of glorious light and purpose and purity and knows that he wants that.

he feels it, when he undergoes orders, the burning in his blood, his weak knees as he kneels on marble, like he's going to be sick, and he's overjoyed, because that must mean that he's being cleansed of every unholy thought, every unholy cell in his body. the holy oil they smear on his hands moves on its own into circles on his palms, quarter-sized dots that sizzle.

sam tucks his fingers into his palms and pretends that he can't see the similar wounds on the crucifix, the stigmata that are a garish red on christ turning into silver scars on sam's hands, scars that ache or burn when he cleans the holy vessels or touches the sacrament.

he gets assigned to the smallest church in the diocese. he's happy enough, and finds peace in the quiet, in connecting with the people in the parish and the spartan way of life--no distractions, no decorations, just a purpose, a holy purpose. he gets restless sometimes, the lack of mental stimulation driving him crazy, so he prays to god to remove this weakness in him. he prays to god when he sweeps the floor and when he organizes the soup kitchen donations and when he brushes his teeth.

he's closing up one night when he sees a man in one of the pews in the darkened sanctuary. he approaches slowly, and asks softly, 'can i help you?'

and the man doesn't turn around, when he says, 'i had a brother, once.' and sam fucking freezes in his steps because he dreams about this voice sometimes, dreams of this man's hands on him and knows that his job isn't done yet, know that he's not cleansed of all the rot inside of himself, because this man remains.

and dean's smile is liquid and oily when he turns around, and says, 'but now our family's got two fathers.'

and sam's lost, the second he looks into dean's eyes, the exact shade forgotten until this moment, and sam's feet ache in his shoes like they always do on church grounds--on hallowed ground--, and dean fucking glows, and sam can see the shadows he casts, and sam's eyes burn.

one of them is holy, one of them is approved by god.

and it's never been sam. it never will be.

god doesn't want him.

but dean does. dean always does.

goddamn this ran away with me. do i need to write a priest!sam fic?? much to think about. thank you for this lovely ask anon!!!! and thank you again for your kind words!!!!!! <3

happy wincest wednesday!

-lizzy

[projectjasper]

What is the secret to enjoying Tumblr while posting as much as you do?

genuinely cannot tell if this is asked in earnest or if you're saying i post too much HFKDJFJEKFD in case it's the latter - yes, i post five thousand pictures of pond a day and will post more in the future. something we all have to live with. if the former, however:

the secret is to post for yourself /gen like, obviously it's great when my posts get notes and people enjoy them, especially when it's my mutuals or people who come back to my blog over and over, but at the end of the day i do not post anything i myself don't want to see and share. this place is kind of like my own little diary for the fandom, and i genuinely make use of stuff that i post myself all the time. consistently posting about pond especially allows me to have a really neat catalogue of his events, projects etc. that at this point no other social media allows. plus i love to just go "look at him! isn't he great!" and he just happens to be great like every day. live blogging often works as a quick summary of my favourite moments and my thoughts on series, which is especially useful years later, when i don't remember what's what as well. and many other examples.

branching outside of original posts, reblogging other people's stuff because it's cool and you wanna support them also goes a long way. in the past year or two, i do not go into the wild wild west of tags very often due to many reasons, which has reduced the amount of posts i see unfortunately, but i love scrolling through my dash, seeing something amazing there, and sharing it here.

at the end of the day, just do not be ashamed of taking as much space as you need to take! this website is not a limited space, and if someone thinks you post "too much" - they can block you or move the fuck on. your world doesn't revolve around that hypothetical person. do whatever will bring you joy. what's the point of hanging around here otherwise?

[midnightsilver]

Tips for Spn Artists posting on Tumblr 😄👍🏻

I see a lot of new artists posting Spn art and it can be a struggle to get your art out there. Or you might be new to Tumblr and not sure how best to put yourself forward.

I post Spn art and do a lot of bangs when my health permits. And I have picked up some tips that I have found helpful for posting art tumblr 😄 so I thought I would share.

Please feel free to take any of these points or leave them as suits you!

✨Personalise your header and icon. Bots will often make posts with popular tags and stolen art, to try and gain followers before throwing out the spam links, but some clues the account is a bot is not having personalised headers and icons, not having a long history of posts (more than a few days), and not talking about their art or fandom. So make sure you don’t look like a bot 😄

✨Interact with accounts you enjoy. Like, comment and reblog your favourite accounts and they will likely return the favour and you will get more followers. The first way your post gets noticed is by your followers. Interacting isn’t always easy if one is an introvert or doesn’t have much time for social media, but do what you can where you can.

✨If don’t have many followers then the next best thing is to use tags more. People follow key tags to find new posts from blogs they are not aware of. I recommend using the ‘Spn fanart’ tag on all your art posts. Also be sure to include: common ship names, the character names, and key words like: cute, funny, angst, angel, wings, etc 👍🏻 😄 this will help people find your posts, so be sure to tag consistently!

✨Make a personal art tag, it could be ‘your name art’ or something as wacky as you like. But tag all your art with it! If someone sees your art post out in the Spn fanart tags and they like it, they can click your art tag to see the rest of your art posts.

✨Don’t include links to outside webpages unless absolutely necessary. If you are posting for a bang, reblog the bang master post for the story which has the links to ao3, but then make your own art post and only link to the tumblr master post. Tumblr often hides posts with links to outside webpages (so that the porn bots sending you to spam websites get minimised, but unfortunately this also minimises links to ao3 or shops 😔). Links to another post inside of tumblr are ok tho! So to keep your art post from being hidden from searches, only link back to the master tumblr post with the story info. If people want to read the story they can follow the ao3 link from there. But it’s better that they actually get to see your art (the ‘advert’ for the story) in the first place so that they know it exists!

Also keep this info in mind if you are linking to your shop or your other socials. Your direct followers will see your shop posts but because of the external links the post might be hidden from searches. Consider doing a mix of posts with direct shop links and ones that get the info out there but link back to a pinned tumblr post or bio post with the outside link.

✨Don’t crowd your art. Many people view tumblr on mobile so your pictures will look small. People can’t really see the details if you put 2 images side by side. Put one image on each line and consider making some cropped images to show close up details of your favourite bits. You need to catch people as they are quickly scrolling past, so be sure that you make it easy for them to see what you are offering.

✨And finally don’t be afraid to do reblogs. It isn’t rude to reblog your own work, it’s helpful. Dashboards can get very busy and even if people follow you, your post might be burried a long way down if they don’t get back online multiple times a day. Reblogs will give them a chance to see what they missed. As long as you are not posting on the hour every hour, most people appreciate 2 or 3 reblogs at different times to save them having to scrolled back for days! 😄 and don’t forget that tumblr is multinational. Time zone reblogs can be helpful.

✨oh I forgot one more thing! Don’t put yourself down! No piece of art is perfect! Ever! But Michelangelo doesn’t start off by apologising that the statue of David is out of proportion. And neither should you! Let your work shine where it shines and don’t bury it in put-downs before you even give others the chance to enjoy its triumphs! You deserve better and so do they!

Those are the main points my friends. If you have any other helpful tips that you want to share, feel free to reblog this and add on points. We were all new to this hellsite (affectionate) at some point. And life is already hard for us struggling artists so whatever we can do to help each other is a good thing 💛

Stay awesome my friends, and happy Arting 🙌🏼😄

[hum-suffer]

I wish to share this on my own blog but I know I will get a ton of hate from people I call 'friends'. You can ignore this rant and all, I am just leaving this in your inbox because one of your post was so crucial in my disillusion process. It was that one post about how many people lost their lives for chanting "Jai Siya Ram" The whole RJB thing, I was always on the fence about it. Leaning slightly towards the "Why cant we build schools and hospitals there instead!" team. While even with my biased views I still accepted that the Hindu side had a right to grieve over the temple that was razed all those years back- despite acknowledging that it was an injustice, I still felt they shouldnt raze down mosques and that the whole RJB grandeur should have been muted etc. My own parents constantly fed me one sided views. That it was all a Brahmin supremacist movement. That it was a movement to oppress the minorities. That it was never even a real issue but instead artificially manufactured for political reasons. Like any other kid I felt my parents can never be wrong. Unfortunately, in that perception I was the one in wrong. Sorry this is turning lengthy but it is weighing heavy on me. The whole excitement that was built around 22nd Jan- it appeared to be an overhyped media gimmick to me. However as the date neared, I saw the saffron flags adorning every street, almost every flat in my society and every shop in my area. The strangest part of all this, I live in a non Hindi state. We were always told this whole RJB movement was a movement of 'illiterate Northies'- that was the language I had grown up hearing. However what I saw was the opposite. Every street temple was adorned. I had never seen this level of festivities even in peak festivals like Diwali. Forget that, even the street hawkers had decorated their cart thingies. Poorest of the poor slums had saffron flags. How could it be if the whole thing was artificially created? Our house maid asked for a day off for that day so that she can watch pran pratishtha event. These arent 'illiterate northies' The highest residential towers here had diwali lightings. Fanciest of the malls in my city, Brand shops, cars- everything your eye could see had some symbolism of RJB festivities. Almost like everyone was under Ram's spell. On tumblr, while scrolling I then came across that post of your which I mentioned earlier. And I couldnt scroll past it. I decided to read on it. Why were people killed for chanting that one name? Was it really that deep? Are Hindus still carrying scars of that event that many have said didnt even happen? Is Ram really that relevant? Is he even real? So many temples for him and yet why are they fighting for that one? Cant they just pray in the other temples? And when I digged, the amount of skeletons that jumped out were the worst reality check I have had so far in life. I was a mess, I still am. It is atrociously horrific. The more I read the truth of all the events, of our past, of our present struggles- it is so unbearable.

Its been two months since the event and I could only bring myself to send this to you today. I am beyond horrified with the reality. I went to the temple near my society on the 22nd. The crowd there was spellbound. When Ram Lalla's face was shown on the projector, I expected everyone to raise Jai Shree Ram slogans but everyone was so quiet. Crying. Sobbing. It was bizarre to witness it in real time. I teared up watching all of the people sob around me. I didnt even care for him then, in fact Shri Ram's character as I had known of him until then was one of "that misogynist king who wronged his wife". I was fairly negative to him and yet I too couldn't help but sob on that day while looking at him. He appeared so real, so adorable-so alive! I had always seen the gods as just stone but on that day his eyes- I swear they looked alive. I tried hard to see the stone but i couldnt overlook the god. The smile, the eyes, the cheeks- so sober, so lovable.

That was the day I witnessed in real time who he really is. He is the king that united everyone across the country behind one cause. Poorest of the poor and Richest of the rich- they all stood side by side that day. Everyone celebrated, everyone cried. Thats who Ram is to the people of this country. Ayodhya is hundreds of miles away from where I live and yet on that day it felt like we were all standing right there in this court. I couldnt even decide what i felt about it for many days after that but on the 22nd I found myself healing from some wound that I didnt even know I needed to heal from. Hearing about that one scrap-collector lady that donated a measly 20 rupees for the Ram temple; about that one gold merchant who spent a fortune on the golden gates of the temple- it was extremely eye opening. People of this country are so mad in love with him. Rightly so. He accepts them all. As the story goes, he doesnt differentiate between a little squirrel or the mighty vaanars. Two months later, I am now desperately seeking his refuge too. I dont know if I would ever be able to live the euphoria of that again however the very fact that I could feel his presence despite all of my reservations against him for all of my life means that he doesnt hold a grudge against me. He included me in the celebrations and now I wish someday I can feel attached to him the way all those people who laid their lives for his cause did. Jai Siya Ram

First of all, my dear, never be sorry to contact me in any way. I encourage it, i promise, and you will never find judgement with me for any reason, provided that you are respectable, which, you are. And as someone who has also been through some serious disillusionment, I would never ignore this.

I absolutely understand the apprehension in sharing your new views in your blog due to the response from others and i would not pressure you at all to do that. You can take your time and until then, my ask box and dms are always open for you.

As far as Ram Janmbhoomi goes, I was unaware of it as well, for almost all my life. I was raised to turn my head the other way, should I notice things that might be controversial. My father was the first one in my family to break out of the mold and search up the atrocities that have happened in our country, especially against Hindus, as those are the ones that the general media seems eager to push under the rug. From him, i started learning more and later it became my own idea to never be unaware of what has been and is being inflicted on Hindus.

Personally, when I was younger, I felt similar about Shri Ram. Why did he abandon his wife? If he abandoned her on the word of a washerman, what does it mean for us, mere humans?

It is only when I got older that i understood that this part was not in the original Ramayan, at all. This is from Tulsidas Ji's Ramcharitmanas. And it has been popularised extremely to the stretch that it lost the meaning. Tulsidas Ji's narration of Shri Ram abandoning his wife is, in a way, to show that Shri Ram was the epitome of control and law and abided by the law as well as the wishes of his citizens even when it was not beneficial to him. Agnipariksha, in the Ramayan, was to exchange a illusion of Mata Sita with the real Mata Sita. This, in my idea, is because Mata Sita is Lakshmi herself. She would not stay in a place where women are not respected.

What I mean is, our texts are large and elaborated with metaphors. Sometimes, interpolation as well as local folk tales also become a part of our interpretation of such texts. I am not giving you excuses, but reasons for your misinterpretation of Shri Ram.

I'm so very proud of you for taking initiative for yourself and trying to see the situation happening around yourself without bias. It is extremely amazing that you took up a search of your own in answers and decided to find the truth, despite any previous reservations you had.

Shri Ram protects and nurtures us, my dear. He will not hold a grudge against you, ever. Trust your instincts and give into him, connect with him in any way that you feel is best. For example, visit a temple some day. Read up about him sometimes. Talk with him, like you would with an elder brother. Understanding Ram, in a way, means understanding yourself.

I'm honoured that a post of mine could help you question the bias views you previously held. Thank you so much for coming to me, my dear. And my ask box as well as my DMs are always open, you ever want to talk.

Jai Siya Ram.

[dropoutconfessions]

Multiple people have now said "Hey, when you said trans men are called confused instead of perverts that felt like you were dismissing the experiences of trans men". How many people have to say that before you say "sorry, that wasn't my intention".

We need to listen to trans women and their experiences. But so often people in this debate keep ignoring trans men or TME people who are pointing out how certain facts are twisted. The experiences of all TME get lumped together, and when trans men point out that non binary people don't represent them, they're ignored.

We get it, you're highlighting the lack of TMA. But ask yourself why separating trans men from TME non binary people would be hurting that argument if you consider these two distinct groups of people. If it doesn't hurt the argument, why not do it?

When someone points out a Black woman might have blocked a white woman for non-transphobic reasons, and that black TMA people are being minimised, it's "I haven't seen anything *I* consider racist".

Nobody in this debate seems willing to consider other people's experiences as valid and it's so frustrating.

I am not obligated to apologize for a misinterpretation of my words. When I make a claim, about a single scenario, in response to a person, who was discussing a different post describing a single scenario, it should be expected that I am not talking about every single instance in the world. That was literally just me, discussing the existence of transmisogyny. I have already apologized time and time again for a million different things for the fact I have difficulties expressing my thoughts with the correct words, I really shouldn't have to copy and paste it every time people assume everything I say and do is malicious.

But if I have to, I'll reiterate: I was not talking about every single instance where transmascs experience transphobia. I was just talking about how transfems are more likely to be punished more severely for not passing. That is not to say transmascs are not punished the exact same way. But just based on statistics alone, transfems are more likely to be victims of violence than other queer identities.

The only reason I do not seperate TMEs by identity is the same reason we do not separate cis people by identity when discussing trans issues. Like, do you specifically point out how cis women and cis men have different life experiences every single time you talk about transphobia? No. You also don't do that for cis white people and cis POCs. If I was supposed to list every identity and group and compare their privileges every time I mentioned anything about my own privileges and lack of privileges, we'd never get anything done.

I am aware, that trans men and enbies are different and do not represent each other to the same extent as they represent themselves. This conversation started because transfems asked for representation for themselves. Every fucking day I read another post about a trans man who doesn't believe in transmisogyny saying it's not his job to uplift trans women, it's not his job to protect us. Why's it ours to speak for him? We look through history why is always the transfem of color throwing the first brick? We spoke for ourselves for once, and everyone demanded we speak for transmascs too. And I fucking did. But I never see that shit reciprocated on a widespread level. Why?

I'd also like to add, yeah, TMEs aren't all the same. But like, Ally Beardsley got top surgery and is on T, I'm certain trans men have a bit in common with them than I do, yk? Like yeah, we need more trans men. But I'm not even asking for trans women, literally just more transfems would help.

As for the blocking of plaidos, I scrolled through her blog, she never @ aabria a single time as far as I could tell. In the recent posts at time, she hadn't discussed race. So here are the possibilities:

Aabria scrolled through more of plaidos's blog, found some racist shit, and blocked her, while completely ignoring plaidos's and other transfem's requests for more transfem representation on dropout

Aabria has been blocking accounts that were particularly vocal about the requests for transfem representation on dropout including plaidos

Someone told Aabria that people were being anti-dropout or racist or vile in some way and she started blocking based on that

Aabria has legal reasons as a creator on Dropout to not interact with these requests

At the moment, I am hoping it's 3 or 4 because I like Aabria and I love her work. But until someone sends me like a single post of plaidos that actually shows she said anything racist I'm not going to believe it at face value. You're like the 5th person to say it and each and every time I ask for a link to a post and I get nothing. And telling me to check a tag on a blog isn't enough, y'all know this website's search function is borderline useless.

If you read like, any plaidos post, she constantly brings up that POC TMA voices are being ignored because everyone keeps assuming that white transfems are the only ones complaining.

I need this to be clear because this might be the most important part of what I have to say. I am completely considering trans masc voices to be valid. All of your experiences are valid and I do believe they happened. But on a systemic level, transfems do have worse experiences. Because this is a discussion about institutional transmisogyny. And while I know for a fact these things happened, if you tell me a story about a white guy being arrested, that doesn't change the fact that our justice system is systematically racist. The same goes for transphobic violence. Based on the actual statistics, transfems experience it more often. Once again, for the nth time, that doesn't mean transmascs don't get hate crimed. Transfems are victims of it more often.

Thank you for staying sane about this btw, it's refreshing to see someone who disagrees with me not telling me I'm a monster or that I should delete my blog and die. /gen

[cinemastyles-backup]

Summary: a request by moonlixhtbae17 on Wattpad- "can u write one where y/n is really insecure and she's really upset about it and h makes her feel better and feel so loved i think that would be cute"

Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, some hateful comments, unprotected sex, biting, oral (f rec), fingering, mainly fluffy filth, love making really

My original CinemaStyles-blog has been terminated, so I created a new one.

"Have a good meeting, Harry." I smile and tuck a curl under his bandana. He smiles and leans in to kiss me, "I'll try." He leans back, "You good?"

I nod, "I'm great."

He raise an eyebrow, "y/n." He cups my cheeks, "If anything is bothering you.. you can tell me."

Something is bothering. Something he can't really help. Something that comes with being Harry Styles' girlfriend.

"I'm okay." I smile and lean up to kiss him, "I'll see you after your meeting, okay?" He nods and kisses my forehead, "It shouldn't be long at all. We just have to go over the set list and stuff for the show in a few days."

He grabs his keys and turns around once he reaches the door, "You sure you're good? I can't stay ho-"

I cut him off, "I promise. I'm okay. Really." I smile and tilt my head, "Now go before I call Niall to come get you."

He laughs and shakes his head, "I love you."

"I love you." I blow him a kiss before he shuts the door and I let out a loud sigh, almost like I was holding my breath.

I run a hand through my hair and close my eyes, "No. No. No." I anxiously pick at my fingers and pace back and fourth.

The hate. The hate. The hate.

It's all I see half the time and it makes me sick to my stomach, I don't want to be hated. I don't want Harry being hated for being with me.

The last few days, I've been in my head. Insecure.

I keep reminding myself that I'm the one with Harry. He loves me or else he wouldn't be with me.

I hate talking to him about it because it feels so repetitive I don't want to annoy him and have him get fed up with it.

It scares me, my own insecurities scare me and I'm caught in this.. this mental war zone with myself and every single hate comment that gets burnt into my memory.

I walk over to the couch, grabbing the big blanket Harry got me for Christmas this past year and wrap it around me. I click the tv on and skip through the channels, eyeing my phone as the thought to look crosses my mind.

I hurt myself by doing it, I know, but I can't help but to read what they're saying.

If they're saying anything about Harry.

I put on a random show and toss the remote down, grabbing my phone. I throw myself back into the blanket and pull up twitter.

I can't believe he's with someone like her. I mean, i haven't even heard of her, she's a nobody, one person tweeted.

I think she's very pretty and not everyone you obsess about has to date someone with a size zero waist, another person comments, actually coming to my defense.

I scroll and scroll, finding more hate than love.

I close twitter and go to Instagram, same thing.

I throw my phone down and wrap the blanket around me, tears silently falling down my cheeks.

My phone dings and I look, it's a text from Harry,

I'll be home soon, baby. We're about done here.

I smile slightly and send back the smile and kissy face emojis.

I set my phone down, defeating the urge to keep looking. I try to focus and watch the show that I put on but as soon as I let out a sigh to try and calm down, it's over.

I sit up, trying to catch my breathe. I put my head in my hands and just sob.

I let it all out.

Harry's been home the last couple days so I had to keep it together, pretend like everything is okay.

I grab the blanket and lay it over my mouth, staring at the floor and sniffling.

I hear a car door shut and I quickly get up and run to the downstairs bathroom, wiping my tears and snot away as I go.

"Baby?" Harry yells as he shuts the door, "Y/N?"

I splash cold water on my face and shake my head in defeat, laughing at my self before I start to cry again.

There's a faint knock on the door, "Y/N? You in there?"

I hold my breathe, trying to calm the shakiness in my voice but I cant, "Y-Yeah."

"Can I come in?" He asks, waiting for my answer.

"Yeah." I wipe my face and turn away as the door slowly opens.

"Hey." He whispers walking over to me, pulling me and holding me against his chest. His arms wrap around my body and his cheek rests on the top of my head.

I start to cry again and I grab his white shirt, that probably now has mascara on it, balling it up in my hands.

"Shh. Shh." He strokes my hair and sways me back and fourth with him, "It's okay." He assures me, "You're okay."

After a few moments I lean back, "I'm sorry." I wipe my cheek with my wrist, "I-I'm so-" I start to sniffle again and I close my eyes as I place my hands over my face.

"Y/N.." he takes me into his arms again, spinning around to he can sit on the edge of the tub, "Hey." He pulls me down and sits me on his lap, "Talk to me, please. What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"

"Why are you with me?" I mumble against his chest.

"What?" Harry asks kinda shocked by my question.

I let out a sigh and sit up, "Why are you with me?" I look up at him and his eyes scan over my face. He smiles slightly and cups my cheeks with his hands, "Because I love you."

"But I'm a nobody."

His brows furrow and he tilts his head, "Who the hell said that?"

I shrug and raise my hand, moving it around, "All your fans. The people that adore you."

He rolls his eyes and makes me look at him, "Yeah, I love the fans, but that doesn't even come close to the love I have for you." I he pulls me closer to him, "I mean that y/n."

I nod and wipe under my eyes, "Im sorry. I just.. these lasts few days.. I just.."

He brushes hair from my face and nods, "I know. I know. Trust me, I wish I could do something about it, but people are always going to have an opinion. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because they're not you."

I smile and look down, "Oh. Sorry, Harry."

He looks down and pulls his shirt down, inspecting the black streaks of mascara on his white shirt. He shrugs, "I can get a new one. I'm more worried about you, not a stupid t shirt."

I smile slightly and he taps my leg to stand up. He walks over to the drawer and pulls a makeup wipe from the pack, "Come over here. Let me get you fixed up."

I walks over and look in the mirror, my face falls slightly as I see how red and puffy my face is.

Harry turns my head toward him, "Look at me." My eyes stay on him as he gently wipes my face.

"Still so beautiful." He smiles and kisses my head, "and amazing." He kisses my lips, "And my favorite person in the entire world." He kisses me again and I smile, "Keep talking."

"You, my love, are by far the best thing that's ever happened to me." I wrap my arms around his neck, "as are you to me." He smiles and kisses me again.

We slowly turn it into a make out session. He lifts me up and sets me on top of the sink, "Everything.. about you.. fascinates me." He says in between kisses.

"Yeah?"

He nods and kisses back my jaw, "You're so caring." I moan quietly as he kisses a spot and sucks lightly, "You're super sexy.. and smart." He plays with the hem of my shirt before slipping his hands under.

"You're body is perfect in every. Single. Way." His fingers pinch at my nipples, "So perfect."

He leans in and kisses me, "These lips. I could kiss them all day everyday." I smile and bite my lip.

"The way you walk and talk.. Mm." He moans slightly, "I'd let you walk away from me just so I can see that butt of yours."

I laugh slightly, "Harry."

"But I'll chase you. Always." He slides his hands down my sides and pulls my hips towards him, "I could listen to you talk and laugh about anything."

I smile and shake my head, "I love you."

He kisses me and pulls my body against his, wrapping his arms right around me, "I love you." He says against my lips, "So, so, so much." He leans back, "Please don't ever forget that."

I shake my head, "I won't."

"You just need to take a breather.." he lifts me up, "Forget about the world for a little while." He takes me upstairs and into our bedroom. He lays me down on the bed and brushes hair off my forehead, "I know the perfect way to help you. Would it be okay if I showed you?"

I nod with a smile and he smiles, "Okay." He lifts my shirt up and kisses down my stomach. He slips his fingers into the band of my sweats and gently pulls them down. I lift my hips to help him get them off.

His slowly slide his hands up from my ankles and gently lays them on my thighs, "Just lay back and let me know if this helps, yeah?"

I bite my lip and nod.

He leans in and slowly locks up and down my pussy. His tongue slides between my folds and I moan at his touch.

"Harry." I moan arching my back, "Yes." He sucks on my clit for a little while, his eyes locking on mine. My mouth falls open and my eyes roll back as he slips two fingers into me.

He slowly works them in and out, curling them up each time he enters.

I lay my head back, my hands going to his hair.

"Harry!" I pant, "So.. good." I let out a loud moan, moving my hips.

His lips stay attached to my clit, his fingers keep moving in and out slowly. I bite my lip and spread my legs slightly.

He takes his fingers out and slips his hands under my hips, holding me as his thumbs stroke my skin.

His tongue slips in and out of me and I moan, "Baby."

He continues for a little bit longer and then he pulls away, smiling up at me. He licks his lips and stands up, "You feel better baby?"

I nod and shrug, "Yes and no."

"Yes and no?" He chuckles, "What more do you want?"

I motion for him to come over to me and I reach out and grab his belt, "I need you right now." He nods and slips his shirt off, his bandana holding perfect in his hair.

I smile and watch as he gets undressed.

"What?" He asks slowly positioning his body over mine. I shake my head and lay a hand on his cheek, "I just really appreciate you."

He kisses me and slides his hand down my body to position himself at my entrance, "Anything to help you baby."

His head falls onto my shoulder and he grips my leg as he slides in, "You feel so so good." He moans, "So so good."

I lay my leg over his back and wrap my arm around his neck. He slides his hand overtop of mine that lays on the mattress above my head and interlocks our fingers, "I love doing this with you." He whispers as he starts to thrust.

I moan quietly into Harry's ear and I can feel him smile against my shoulder, "You're so good to me." I whisper kissing his neck, "I love you." I whimper as he pushes himself deep inside of me.

He looks at me and rests his forehead against mine, squeezing my hand gently, "I love you, y/n." He picks up thrusting again, "So, so much."

His fingertips press into my thigh, "You know why people are jealous of you?"

"Why, Harry?" I moan and tangle my fingers in his hair.

"Because not only do you get to do this with me every single day.." he moans against my lips as he kisses me, "I'm going to make you my wife some day."

I smile and squeeze his hand, "Please."

He kisses me, our lips move in sync as I pull myself closer to him, "I'm close, baby." I whimper arching my back.

He nods and kisses down my neck, "I love being able to make you feel so good, y/n."

"You're absolutely perfect to me." He moans and he pulls my thigh, "for me. Everything."

His words push me off the edge into orgasm. I moan and whimper as he continues to thrust, "Fuck." He gasps before quickly pulling out.

I lay there breathing heavy and watch his face twitch with pleasure as he reaches his point, "Shit."

He leans down and kisses me a few times, "No one can ever replace you. You're mine and I'm yours. Don't let what others say get to you. Like I said, it's because you got me and no one else does." He rests his forehead on mine, "I'm not going anywhere."

I nod and take a deep breathe as Harry goes and grabs a towel. He walks back in and cleans me up, ""Now. Movies and Pizza?"

I nod and point, "But only if we get to watch-"

"Already on the list." He tosses me one of his shirts and slips on a pair of sweats, "Let's go camp out on the couch for the rest of the day."

I get up and slip on a pair of shorts before running over to Harry. He takes my hand in his and leads me to the couch.

——

Likes and reblogs are majorly appreciated and don’t forget to hit follow! ♥

[unionizedwizard]

don't. mind me 👍

i guess it's just. well. i feel a lot better these days, i only have to make sure to (ffxiv momence) look to the future and let go of the past, which is fun because i can literally not think about anything that happened between 1998 and, like, 2022 without Experiencing Extreme, Localized Endsinger-sponsored Despair and Pain. And also, technically 2018-2022 is not that bad of a period compared to the previous decades, but it's got its own specific flavor of Unsettling, because 1) I Forgor. like i literally forgot 90% of this time period. 2) every time i talk to my friends (who knew me back then) they mention something i said/did during these years and it feels. So wildly out of character. Like "he would not fucking say that" except that i apparently did, and i have no recollection of anything but i'll have to take their word for it, and it's. hm. terrifying! It's like my body was piloted by another consciousness for, like, 4 years straight, i forgot all the books i've read, all the new people i've met, most of the conversations i've had, pretty much all i remember (sort of) clearly is my cats, and even then the timeline is extremely blurry. I know it's a widespread and rather normal phenomenon to look back on your past self and feel like they're a stranger, lost to you now, but i cannot stress enough how literal this is for me. I really feel like i've been replaced by a doppelganger for four years. My blog (main) is, i think, more recent than that because i remember deactivating at some point so ive lost a lot of archives, but even then, when i scroll back several years, i mostly have no idea what 80% of my posts are about and have no memory of anything

But on the other hand, ive felt basically as if i was my 20yo self again since 2022. Extremely weird. I had this.... weird.... merging.... memory.... moment on august 1st 2022 and when i woke up i *was* the person who lay down To Die For Real in april 2018. it was. so confusing for so very long. i knew where i was because i was living in the same place and woke up in the same bed i'd been lying in back then, but everything else was ????. it even took time to adapt to my CATS, i only remembered catgar for a bit since he was there in 2018

and the weirdest thing was that suddenly, memories i couldnt access for four years (2018-2022), and specifically knowledge i couldnt recall during this time period... suddenly came back. clear as day. for four years i'd been trying to remember pretty much everything i'd read and learned in my philosophy classes in uni, and it didnt work, even trying to read the books themselves didnt work because everything felt blurry and nonsensical and illegible. this was one of the reasons i had to give up on my philosophy major when i went back to uni in september 2018. and then suddenly, after "i" (this self who had been to university as a philosophy major) woke up in august 2022, i could remember everything i'd studied from 2015-2018, with astonishing clarity. i didnt even need to make an effort, words and ideas came back to me spontaneously and everything made sense again! but on the other hand, pretty everything i had read and studied in uni (as a comparative literature major) from 2018-2022 was Lost. blurry and nonsensical and flat-out Forgotten to this day. and i still hold (some) memories from this time too, so it's really strange to try and make everything make sense. truly like two badly mixed set of memories/selves having to cohabit, on a daily basis

anyway that's not what i meant to say in the first place. but something that's becoming... more and more pressing, and real, these days (more of a long, months-long process) is that. well. i remember so much of my childhood and teen years, with such perfect clarity, and i've only told a tiny fraction of these memories to friends (and usually expunged from actual emotional weight. comedic deflection is my middle name). and i know i need to stop talking about these awful, terrible, sordid stories at all because it doesn't... do anything good. it hurts people who hear them, usually they can't stand it too (understandably so), and it is true that it makes me feel worse, but. and that's the problem. then why. what was it all for. will it all simply be ignored, denied, and then forgotten after i die with no one to remember about it? not only did i not get the most basic nurturing most people get (as infants!), which is actively ruining my life to this day, and which effects can only be somewhat lessened over time (if *i* put in the effort, which is. exhausting AND unfair to boot), not only did i lack these basic foundations... but i have to hollow myself out of whatever *is* there, too, for both my sake and others'? what then will remain of me? a ghost of a ghost, emptied out of all the filth and pain and poison at best, like i was simply born as a 25 years old? i never felt like an actual human person to begin with! the alienation is as old as i am!

I already forgot and was alienated from my 20 to 24 years old self, and i should also... simply ignore and repress and keep quiet everything else that i've experienced my whole life? This feels so unfair! My memories are the only thing testifying to this injustice, everyone else simply is rewriting the truth to make it convenient and comfortable (mother's side), or flatly ignoring everything out of a sense of unease (guilt?) (father's side). Should one simply erase this child from the world at all? From reality? From collective memory? It's not the child's fault their very presence brings suffering and discomfort to anyone who even glimpses them. And why should we keep ignoring them? And yet it *is* the best option. So really, what was it all for? There's no possible closure or understanding or justice or retribution or forgiveness or revenge, should i simply pretend none of this ever existed? There is no justice in this world, and i don't even know what form a possible justice could take in an ideal world, and i don't believe in heaven or anything like that, and i'm tired of looking to the future without having any kind of secure network and having to rely on myself only for everything and trust in my own resilience, but also this can never be remedied and i know it (don't "found family" me please) and it's just like.

how do you live with the knowledge that nobody ever came to your help, nobody rescued you or even tried to, you had to do it all yourself, and this can never be changed or helped, and if you look to the past it will only burden and destroy you further as well as harm the people who now care about you and are in your life, and you can't fix anything and the only way is forward, and erasing your entire childhood self, your memories (the good mixed with the bad) is the only way to keep on living? should i have to erase myself to have the faintest hope to live? i'm a hollowed-out mind in the best days, when this can be construed as lightness. is this fair? is this fair? is this fair?

[crimetimesteadicam]

ok @morporkian-cryptid tagged me to do this fic author interview so here we go...

if you would like to do this, i am officially tagging you, yes you, right now. tag me back so i can see your answers

1 How many works do you have on AO3?

i got 40

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,044,749

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

sorry like none of these are lupin iii. a blight on my lupin iii blog

Wabisabi (991 kudos) - Spirited Away. idk it's short and cute, read it

BONES OF BLACK MARROW (952 kudos) - Homestuck. the infamous cyoa cannibalism sex fic. scrolling through the things people say about it in the bookmarks is always so funny

Cum mortuis in lingua mortua (925 kudos) - Homestuck. no clue why it has so many kudos lol it was like the first long thing i've ever wrote (a whole decade ago??? jesus). it's a d&d/discworld joke

Vanitas vanitatum (914 kudos) - Homestuck. the same d&d/discworld joke except the LI is turbo depressed. notable for being the only fic i ever outlined and edited and that's why it whips

Supermassive Retinol Overdose! (677 kudos) - hey look, a lupin fic made it on here!

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do when i have something meaningful to say besides "thank you!" i don't have a lot of thoughts about my own work so therefore i tend to not respond if there's not a direct question :( my head is empty. i always respond to every single comment on the last chapter of longfics though because i'm always impressed people read that far lol. genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading all that

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

idk uhhhh i wrote a series once where two of the main couples break up at the end, but it wasn't really angsty

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

they all end pretty happily

7. Do you write crossovers?

if i did it was so long ago i don't remember it

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no but people used to send passive aggressive hate about my art in fics once in a while. hasn't happened in like 2+ years

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes. every kind. EVERY KIND

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

a bot will sometimes scrape my high kudos homestuck fics and plant them on a junk ebook site

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah i think like 7 of them got translated into russian and do numbers on ficbook.net

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

in the past me and my friend would sit around a laptop and scream laugh write our way through crack fics

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

right now it's jiglup and fujilup

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

i finish almost all my WIPs because i'm a freak. if i don't finish a WIP it's because some dramatic life event happened. this has only occurred two times

15. What are your writing strengths?

im a funny binch

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

i don't outline or edit or re-read any of my fanfic. i just type it and then eyeball it for typos and then post it. i COULD outline and such to really make the narrative nice and tight, but i don't find it very fun to do (for fanfic) and this is like, my relaxing wind down hobby. i just wanna have fun haha. the only reason my fics like, make sense, is because i write at least one ending scene first thing and always aim for that, and also i write out of order so i kinda know the route of the story

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

it's fine if it makes sense to do it there as a narrative device

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

h-hetalia crack fic.....

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

once i figure out how to draw zenigata it's over for you bitches. luzeni hours on da clock

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

for lupin iii fic, i like Lightkeepers the best