#(bc it might make them feel guilty and no one’s allowed to feel bad about nothing)

[sphingogo]

only on Twitter can statements like “exposing cancer patients to COVID (the disease that kills people, especially people with cancer) so you can throw an in-person event is a terrible thing to do” and “throwing events without COVID (the disease that kills people) mitigations kills people” be controversial

[hoeforalbedo]

Dolly (Pt 2)

Human Alastor x Housewife!Reader

Pt 1, Finale

Tw: Murder, Forced Cannibalism, reader is described as a woman, dumbifying reader, mention of pregnancy, pregnancy.

Note: I guess I’m making this a series? I really want them to meet in hell. Also I really haven’t made it obvious bc I don’t want to erase Alastor being aroace. The way I see it, he’s kinda just toying with reader and grew obsessed once reader became a murderer.

———————————————————————

The morning after your delightful meal, you found yourself puking your guts out. The food did not agree with you at all. You wonder how Alastor’s body did not reject your food. Maybe it was all guilty’s conscience, but you’re not guilty for what you did.

Alastor holds your hair back, rubbing small circles on your back. “Oh my, what a way to start the morning. It makes me wonder if you’re perhaps pregnant.”

You shoot him a look, “Please do not say that, I beg of you.” No, you’re not pregnant, and Alastor knows you’re not pregnant. But if you are. . . That means you’re all to himself. You will have no choice but to depend on him even more. Even if you decided one day to leave him, you can’t. Nobody other man wants a tainted woman with children. Maybe one day he should get you pregnant.

Oh he absolutely knows that his dear wife has committed something awful and he’s proud of you, although he won’t admit it, yet. For now, he’s here to support you through the aftermath of your actions.

He could even recall his first kill, it was messy and uncoordinated, and the gore did not sit right with his stomach. But he hopes that his wife does not meddle in the business no longer. All you must do is sit pretty and be the doll you are. The sweet wife who cleans the house and cooks for him and cares for him dearly while being oblivious to the fact that your husband is out and about, killing many people.

But he’s curious. You might be just like him and the thought of that makes him want to grasp you in his hands tightly. To keep you all to himself and keep you away from anything that could take you away from him. At the same time, he wants to test you, push you further into insanity until there’s no more turning back and you’re addicted to the feeling of blood on your hands.

You’ve made a decision, you’re going to confess to Alastor. You can’t just keep him the dark about what you’ve done. “Alastor dear, so about Linda. . . I’ve. . .”

“No need to say more, ma cheri. I know.” He says, acting sympathetic towards you. He pulls you into a hug and you can’t help but burst into tears. He pats

“My dear, you’ve had such a bad morning so I believe you should go out and treat your pretty self with something,” He hums, combing your hair back.

“But-“

“I insist dear. Allow me to tend to the home and when you get back, you’ll be treated to a nice meal. How does that sound?”

Your lips pursed in thought. “Fine, but only because you insist.”

The phone rings.

“I’ll take that, mon cheri. Now I’ll allow you to get yourself all pretty and I’ll get you some money for you to spend.” He kisses your head and leaves you be.

———————————————————————

An outing is just what you needed, although it was not to relieve your nerves. You only felt guilt for having stained your hands with red. That matters not, anymore. Alastor says to relax and enjoy your outing and that is what you’d do.

Now that you’re out, Alastor prepares to go out. He puts his gloves, “I should prepare a freshly cooked meal for my dear wife. It’s about time I went hunting.” He hums to himself and leaves the house.

———————————————————————

The sound of chopping is heard through the kitchen. Chopped vegetables are put aside and Alastor is seen kneading a sort of meat. After he’s satisfied, he chops the meat and sets it aside.

“Let us see,” He says, squatting down to the body by the kitchen island. He reaches inside the abdomen, a squelch being heard as his hands move deeper. “Ah, there it is!” He says cheerfully as he cuts out the intestines.

After squeezing the contents out of the intestines, he looks up at the clock. “Oh dear me! It’s about time my dear Y/N comes home!”

It’s already 5 and he expects you to be home in about an hour.

He continues to grind away the other organs and meat before stuffing the intestines, making the sausages for the jambalaya.

After an hour has passed, you are back home. As you were about to reach for the handle, the door opened, revealing Alastor. “Welcome home ma cheri!” He greets you with a smile, pulling you in for a hug. You reciprocate and kisses his cheek. “What have you got there?” He asks, motioning to the bags.”

“Oh I’ve only bought a few dresses. Nothing out of the ordinary,” You shrug, putting the bags down.

“Then I should expect a show from you then, is that correct? Give me a little twirl in each dress?” His voice deepens as he tilts your head up to look at him.

“If that’s what my dear husband wants,” You say, almost as if you’re purring.

Alastor hums in approval and pulls your lips into a kiss. His arm around your waist, pulls you in, pressing your body against his. “Oh my pretty doll, you’ve got me all distracted.”

“And it is my fault?” She chuckles.

“Yes dear, it’s your fault for being so gorgeous, however I cannot complain about that. Come now, I’ve made jambalaya. Let us eat before it gets cold.”

You follow him immediately to the dining room. “How I love jambalaya. I’m grateful you’ve introduced me to one of your favorites.” You smile as you sat down. “You didn’t put shrimp?” You ask.

“I’ve decided to add some meat instead,” Alastor says, placing some food on your plate.

“Well anything you cook is delicious. I’ll enjoy every bite!” You beam.

The two of you continue to eat and chat. While doing the dishes, the door bell rings. “I wonder who that might be?” You say confused, not expecting any visitors.

Alastor goes to the front door and opens it with a smile. “Hello, how can I help you fine gentlemen?”

“We’re with the police, I’d just like to ask about your neighbors.” One of the officers say.

“Well of course!” Alastor remains to smile, however he is irritated, not that anyone notices.

“Who is it Alastor, dear?” You say, walking behind him. “Oh! Well hello officer!” You immediately put a bright smile. Alastor wraps an arm around your waist.

“Yes, you must be this fine gentleman’s wife. We’d just like to ask if you folks know anything about Mrs. Linda and perhaps Mr. Connor?” The officer asks.

“Connor? Well what could have possibly gone wrong?” Alastor says in confusion.

“Well officer, last night we got a call from dear Connor and just earlier before that, I believe during the afternoon, Linda paid me a small visit,” You answer.

“Is that so? Well ma’am, did she enter the home?”

“Yes she did. Just for a couple minutes though.”

“Anything in particular happened? Arguments, anything?” The officer pushes on.

“Oh of course not! Linda and I may only be acquaintances but I do not harbor such ill feelings for her.”

Alastor squeezes your waist, “You see, my dear wife is far too good for her own good. Far too oblivious to the world, but who can blame her. She’s a doll after all.”

You smile at the officers, looking very innocent.

“Why, I see why you married such a beautiful lady,” The officers chuckles. “Well did she say anything before she left?

“No sir. . . Well she did complain about how she suspects her husband of have a mistress,” You answer.

Alastor adds, “The couple do tend to have a tendency for infidelity. There’s neighborhood rumors of one of the kids not even being Connors’! It’s no surprise though. They say Linda sleeps with other men.”

You gasp, “You mean that man she was with that one day-!”

“Oh no need to worry your pretty little head about it. That is not our problem,” Alastor says.

“And the call you received from Mr. Connor?” The officer asks.

“Oh he just called to thank my dear wife for her generosity. She was kind enough to bake the family a pie. She’s a rather good cook,” Alastor answers with a smile.

“Well you see, both of the couples are missing and have left their kids unattended.”

“Oh that’s awful! Are they okay?” You ask with worry.

“They sure are. If you happen to hear anything about them, please do give a call, thanks for your time,” The officer nods and leaves.

After Alastor closes the door, you immediately broke into a sob. “They’re out to get me Alastor! They’ll get me!” You cling to him.

“My dear you won’t, I promise you they won’t. I’d do anything,” Alastor says in a hushed voice.

“I-I’m the last to have seen Linda and Connor! Now Connor is gone too! What if they think I am the one who killed him!” You cry hysterically.

“My dear, have you not seen yourself? No one would believe that a small thing like you could have possibly killed someone,” he reasons.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course dear.”

———————————————————————

“Must you really go, Alastor?” You plead, grabbing his hand.

“I’m afraid I cannot skip out on work today, mon cheri. But what if they get me? What if I can’t see you again?” You say with worry.

Alastor chuckles. Your clinginess used to be something that annoyed him but not finds adorable. “Remember what I said last night?”

You nod.

“So you’ll let me go right?”

You nod and let go of his hand.

“Good. Now I’ll be back later, my dear.” He kisses your forehead and walks out the door.

He in fact did not come home that night. He was found dead, a bullet to his head. You never landed on the suspect list, as Alastor was found to be the serial killer of New Orleans.

[kushinadragneel]

Sylus brainrot bcs I cannot stop it so

Dad! Sylus, dragon! Sylus (blame my friend and our rp, I adore them), king Sylus actually, twins (I love how the whole fandom seems to agree on that), headcanons, short

Genres: fluff, kind of hurt/comfort with a lil bit of angst/sad, very indulgent, might be a bit ooc, admittedly very influenced by my oc as the thoughts swirled with her in mind

Mentions: pregnancy, female anatomy, motherhood, post partum, insecurities, lactation (not the kinky kind)

Dragons were peculiar beings, you've found out as quite the only human in this weird, entirely draconic kingdom. Though, so to speak, you were the weird one here, lacking horns, scales, a tail…

To say you've had many to learn was an understatement. From heats to mating to their habits, everything had been new.

But there you were, mated to their very king and very much pregnant sooner than quite expected to Sylus's delight.

So here's how your pregnancy goes:

Sylus discovered you were pregnant before you even thought of it. He said your scent got sweeter

You were put on rest instantly. Wrapped in furs that deeply smelled of the both of you, with the finest of silk as clothes and constantly doted on

His habit of scenting you? Got even worse. He's constantly glued to your side. Claims he can't help it, it's in his very instinct to protect you.

He was constantly piling up food on your plate

One child was a blessing. Hearing two heartbeats? Unheard of. Unprecedented

He was glued constantly to your tummy so he heard them. He denies crying to this point, but his eyes had been watery

Carries you whenever for his own pleasure. Your feet have barely met the ground, even as you got fuller and heavier

Massages you when he feels you being restless or tired

Constantly caresses your tummy and talks to the babies

Guilty of taking naps with you, curled around you protectively

Also guilty about stirring the twins with his nips, licks and caresses (got decked one too many times by his babies)

You and him bickered on who the kids will resemble (they ended up mini carbon copies of him)

Dragons do start being more welcoming to you and you slowly start feeling included in the community you're very emotional about it

"One carries a child for 9 months and they end up looking like their father!" one of the dragons playfully complained, pretty much in a similar situation to you. "Doesn't it ever bother you?" she asked curiously

No, it doesn't. Sylus is the favorite parents and the twins have your temper. Bless his patience

Talking of patience, he's had plenty of it with you. Especially as you were pretty much glued to his side and snappy to everyone else your instincts craved your mate pretty heavily during the pregnancy. And after

Talking of after

The first two weeks had been so hectic you were more in and out of sleep, barely remembering anything

Sylus is the light sleeper between the two of you. Surprisingly attuned to the kids, considering they barely start squirming and he's already picking them up

He's constantly scenting them. Playing with them. Is a natural at holding them in the weirdest positions while they babble and laugh

Very protective and possessive of them. Nobody but you and the doctors are allowed to touch his precious treasures (even the doctors are constantly under his scrutinizing gaze)

He does so much it's quite making you feel bad. Especially as the twins seem to favor him right out the womb and seem to need you just for feeding

It's been two weeks and you barely even remember anything. It crushes your soul, especially as one of the babies starts getting fuzzy and he is again the one reaching out for them, soothing the precious chubby cub between his arms.

It makes you sniffle and you have quite the breakdown about not being a good enough mom, crying about how he's doing everything and you barely feel like you've done anything.

He soothes you by holding you closely and nuzzling your hair. "You deserve to rest. You're doing more than enough. Let yourself heal"

You get worried about how much time he actually spends glued to your side, simply because it feels like he's ignoring his duties as a king because of you

He does explain to you that dragons do understand and nobody would be insane enough to expect him to not be by your side constantly at first

Tender moments

He always makes sure to have a regular bath prepared for you and is keen on washing your hair

He truly is a fiend. A kiss stealing fiend

His hands are so gentle over your body, massaging oils and kissing every inch of you. God forbid you ever feel less than wanted, he would snap someone's neck

He's still a flirt with you, just softer

He's actually more worried than you, he just doesn't let it on

He has to stop himself from growling whenever his kids stumble or cry at anything they find scary

The twins are menaces. He spoils them too much

He plays fight with them in the way wolves and lions do. He fakes being tackled to the ground and everything. Barely has the heart to scold them when they nip a bit too seriously at his skin

Though, he does have the heart to scold them when they try the same with you. He's very stern about your safety

[girlgenius1111]

trying to be cool about it

depressive episode reader + alexia bc its winter and women are sad. warnings for mentions of self harm and scars. be safe 🫡.

You'd woken up, immediately knowing it was going to be one of those days. It had been one of those weeks, really, but today everything seemed to catch up to you. Your whole body felt heavy, and even though you'd just woken up, you were already exhausted. Existing was exhausting. You fell into these ruts sometimes, a consequence of having a depressive disorder, but it had been a while. You'd forgotten how awful it made you feel, how hopeless. It was frustrating how clearly you could understand what was happening to you, without being able to think your way out of it.

Instead, you lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. You'd felt off for a week, and today was the day it took control. You knew yourself well, and you knew you wouldn't be leaving the house today. You'd be lucky if you got yourself into the kitchen to eat something. You didn't like missing training, but it wasn't even an option to go, so you rolled over, shooting Jona a quick text, telling him you weren't feeling well, and you'd be back tomorrow. He responded quickly, telling you to feel better.

You paused, deciding whether or not to tell Alexia. You'd been good about not letting her see you like this in the time you'd been dating. You'd been able to make excuses the last couple times it had been bad, and kept her away. This time, though, you knew she'd picked up on your low mood throughout the week, and she'd know something was up when you didn't come to training. You wouldn't be able to avoid her this time. You might be able to delay it, though, and maybe pull yourself together before she inevitably stopped by after training. That would only work if you didn't text her now.

It wasn't that you didn't trust her; you trusted her more than anyone. And it wasn't that you didn't want her comfort, because you did. You were sure that her presence, her touch, her smell, would be the only thing capable of making you feel marginally better. It was that Alexia was... Alexia. Hardworking, unrelenting Alexia. You knew she had her own struggles, but you always got so in your head when you were depressed. You knew you were sick, and your body was just trying to take care of itself, but every time you found yourself unable to get out of bed, or the house, you felt incredibly guilty, like the laziest person in the world. You didn't want Alexia to think any less of you, as ridiculous as that was. You didn't want her to see you like this.

So, you clicked your phone off, knowing that she would probably be frustrated that you didn't text her, but that at least she wouldn't be able to come over until after training.

There was one thing that you knew would make you feel better. It had been so long, though, and you didn't want to, not really. You ran your fingers lightly over the scars that lightly littered your thigh. The desire to make the despair, the numbness fade, even for just a little, was strong. Alexia was coming over, though. Alexia who you believed didn't know that you'd ever done this. The scars that remained were faint, and she'd never said anything about them. You grappled with the choice of whether to give in, or not allow yourself to fall. You rolled onto your side, shutting your eyes tightly, wishing you'd asked your girlfriend to come over.

-----

Alexia was an observant person, and she prided herself on knowing her team well, especially you. She knew you'd been down all week, and she couldn't quite figure out why. You'd mentioned having depression offhandedly a few times, but you were so cavalier about it, talked as though it was in the past tense, and so she didn't think it was something to be concerned about. She knew you took medication, but you'd always made it seem like it was more for anxiety than depression. If you were struggling, she assumed you'd reach out to her.

She wasn't sure she believed that you were sick, though. You'd been fine yesterday, and you had a great immune system. When Jona told her why you weren't at practice, she didn't buy it. Something was up with you, she just didn't know what. Jona caught her distracted gaze, stopping himself from rolling his eyes. He'd watched the Catalan fall in love with you, and quickly realized that she'd finally found something she put before football. He thought it was good, healthy.

"Go check on her. We don't play this weekend, you can take the day off." He said. Alexia looked at him, surprised, not aware that he could read her anxiety so well.

"The team-"

"-Will be fine. Go." He insisted. Alexia didn't wait to be told again, turning around and leaving the pitch. She changed quickly, and rushed to her car. As she drove to your apartment, different thoughts of what could be wrong with you swirled through her mind. The oddest part was that you hadn't texted her this morning to tell her. It set her on edge, and she sped a little on her way.

When Alexia walked into your apartment, she didn't find you on the couch like she'd expected, or maybe hoped. Instead, she followed the hall down to your room, peeking in through the partially closed door. You were asleep, tucked in all cozy, looking peaceful. Maybe you were sick, she thought, as she didn't know you to nap.

She moved closer, content to hold you until you awoke, when she got a better look at your face. Even in your sleep you looked tired, defeated, and she couldn't help the worry that grew at the sight. She lay down carefully next to you, but still, you woke, blinking at her blearily.

"Ale?" You asked groggily. "Supposed to be at practice?"

"Wanted to check on you, bonita. Jona told me you're sick." As you woke up more, she watched as your face got redder, and confusion continued to grow. You weren't leaning into her like you normally did, and if she wasn't mistaken, she thought she saw the glint of a tear in your eye.

"Just a little. You can go to practice." You replied, trying to sound better than you felt.

"You don't seem so good, mi amor. What's going on? What doesn't feel good?" She questioned, trailing a finger lightly across your cheek. Your eyes fluttered shut at the sensation, but you didn't answer, trying to think of a way to get her to leave without hurting her feelings. It was getting harder and harder for you to resist curling up against her.

"Bebé?" She asked, prompting you again.

"Bad day." You replied, avoiding eye contact. You weren't going to lie, but you weren't going to be very forthcoming with the details unless you had to be.

"Why is it a bad day?" She asked, still stroking your cheek softly. Her gaze was so gentle, it made you want to cry. In response, you shrugged, your lip jutting out a little as you fought back tears.

"Amor, what is it?" She pressed. She seemed desperate to help, to make you feel better, so you allowed yourself to scoot closer, leaning your head down against her chest. Alexia wrapped her arms around you without a second thought, pulling you in until you were completely surrounded by her.

"Okay, cariño, te tengo." She said quietly, pressing her lips lightly to the top of your head. You stayed like that, pressed up against her, for a while, until the lump in your throat had disappeared, and you felt more in control of your emotions. You pulled away, still not making eye contact.

"Ale, I'm fine, really. You should go to practice." Alexia was conflicted. She didn't want to crowd you when you needed space, but something in her was screaming at her to not leave you alone like this. She took in your facial expression, the way your jaw was set, as if you were trying hard to maintain the distance between the two of you.

"No." She said, watching for your reaction. You were getting close to tears again, and she could tell.

"Please, baby, I don't want you to see me like this," you begged, which only strengthened her resolve to stay with you. She wasn't sure what you meant by "like this" but she was determined to find out.

"I don't really know what you mean, and I don't know whats going on, but I'm not leaving. Mi niña bonita, I'm here for you, whatever it is," she told you tenderly. You didn't push her away, falling quiet, which she took as a sign of acceptance. Your eyes still shined with unshed tears, and you looked so upset, so defeated, it made her heart ache.

"Tell me what's going on, please, y/n," Alexia asked again. Her pleading tone got to you, and you sighed, shutting your eyes before responding.

"This just happens sometimes. My medication works well, but sometimes I just have episodes where it doesn't. It'll pass, you don't need to worry," you told her, very clearly trying to play down the fact that you were really struggling.

"I didn't realize it was that serious," she said, continuing on even as you opened your mouth to tell her it wasn't. "So it's... a depressive episode?" She asked, trying to get as much information out of you as she could. You still had your eyes shut, still wouldn't look at her, and she could tell you were embarrassed . You nodded, though, giving her an answer.

"Can you look at me?" She asked. You shook your head in response. "Why not, amor?"

"I'm sorry," you said, instead of answering her question, voice breaking slightly. "You shouldn't have to do this, deal with me like this. I'll be fine, I'll get through it, I always do." She had one hand resting lightly on your cheek, and still, you refused to open your eyes to look at her.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about," she said firmly, "I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You don't need to be embarrassed, though, or feel bad for needing to take a few days."

"I hate being like this. Useless. I feel like such a failure," you replied, tears escaping down your face. Alexia wiped them away with the pad of her thumb, hating how self deprecating you sounded.

"You're not useless, you're sick. Like with anything else, you need time to rest and recuperate. You deserve time to rest when you aren't okay." You wanted to believe her, but you weren't sure you could. You didn't think she understood how bad you were feeling, how truly devoid of energy to do anything you were.

"I can't even get out of bed, Ale. I'm so exhausted, you have better things to do than-"

"No, bebé," she cut you off, her voice a little louder than before, causing you to finally open your eyes and look at her. Alexia looked upset at your words, and you didn't understand why.

"I don't like hearing you talk about yourself like that. Please stop trying to push me away. What are you so afraid of, hm?" She asked, voice returning to it's quiet volume from before.

"I just feel so guilty. Like I'm a bad person, like I'm dragging you down," you told her, tears falling more rapidly now. She shook her head in response, brow crinkling with concern as she continued to wipe your tears away.

"There's nothing to feel guilty about. You aren't a bad person because you aren't doing well, or because you need to take time to feel better. You aren't dragging me down, you could never do that. My place is here, next to you, even when you don't feel well. Especially when you don't feel well."

Alexia could tell you wanted to believe her, that you were trying, so she pulled you back into her, pressing your head into her chest. "You don't need to do anything, mi amor. Rest rest with me. I'll take care of you until you feel better, okay?" She told you, arms holding tight, letting you know that you didn't have much of a choice.

You'd told her more than you intended, yet still hadn't told her the worst of it. You couldn't decide whether you should or not. It was so tempting, snuggled up against her warmth. You felt safe against her, like if you fell apart, it might be okay, because she'd be there to catch you. You lay, thoughts racing, unaware of Alexia's own racing thoughts.

-----

Of course Alexia had noticed the scars; they were faint, but they were there. You'd never brought them up, though, so she didn't either. She'd always assumed they were from a long time ago, or you would have said something.

Now that you'd admitted what was really going on with you, though, the image of the faint lines on your leg popped into her mind, and she couldn't get rid of them. She didn't know how to ask, how to make sure you were okay. All she could do was hold you tight against her, keeping you safe from everything, even yourself.

-----

You must have drifted off again, because when you blinked awake a while later, you'd shifted in your sleep, kicked the blankets down a little, and your shorts had been pushed up. Alexia had a hand resting lightly, right on the scars you'd been convinced she hadn't noticed. She didn't notice you wake up, busy staring hard at your leg, brow creased. You felt your heart rate speed up, and and you resisted the urger to push her hand off of you, and hide away.

Alexia's eyes flew back up to your face then, expressing dripping with love and concern.

"Amor..." she started, not really sure where she was going with it. "Did you...?" She asked, letting the words trail off as she looked at you gently. The words got caught in your throat, struck at how kind and soft she was being. Alexia took your silence for apprehension though. "I won't be mad, mi niña, I just need to know." You found your voice then, although it was slightly choked up.

"No, I didn't," Alexia let out a sigh of relief, fingers still absentmindedly tracing your leg. You bit your lip, trying to find the courage to say the next thing. "I thought about it, though. I almost did." You admitted shakily. Alexia leaned forward, pressing a hard kiss to your forehead, resting there for a minute as she spoke.

"I am so, so proud of you. I know that couldn't have been easy, y/n, and I am so proud of you." Alexia implored, and you nodded against her, acknowledging for the first time how hard it had been. "What can I do, how can I make it better?" She asked, desperate to do something, anything, to wipe the defeated look off your face.

"Being here, even when I tried to make you leave, is more than enough," you replied. "It'll pass, it always does. And if it doesn't, I'll do something else with my meds."

Alexia was relieved by how logical you sounded, how clearly you saw a solution. Because, if she was going to be honest, she had no idea what to do, how to help. She felt so out of her league here, but all you'd needed from her was to be here. That, she could do.

"Good. I'm not going anywhere," she told you. "Have you eaten, cariño?"

"No. Didn't want to get up."

"I'll make you something, and bring it here," she said, moving to get up. She stopped, though, when your hands reached out to cling to her sweatshirt.

"Stay for a little longer?" You asked, need for her clear on your face.

"Of course," she said sliding back into the bed. She nudged you to roll over, onto your other side, and wrapped herself around your body, pushing her face into your neck. "I'll stay as long as you need me to."

-----

hope this brings you some comfort on this heinous day (staring down months without mapi what do i do)

[ganondoodle]

this isnt a call out for anyone; i keep getting asked why i even post my opinions on the internet if i dont want to argue whenever i mention how tired i am of people trying to argue with me or proof me wrong

and i just ... for one its bc there are people that have told me they like hearing my opinions bc it makes them feel less alone, its validating to hear that i am not alone and i make them feel less alone (this is a big reason)

then theres the thing .. do you feel good never saying your opinion on anything and just keeping everything to yourself? be it big or small, i tried to do that for years, just trying to crawl deeper and deeper into a hole bc clearly i am the problem and should be able to deal with everything on my own, never say anything, i could be annoying, i could be a burden, and it nearly killed me; i have very few friends and i already spam them enough to feel constantly guilty

and if i did that on some private account ... what use is that, thats the same thing as not saying anything, whats the use of saying anything when no one listens, even to select few, whats the point if others cant find it, there might be people i dont know at all that would find solace in hearing my stupid ramblings about games

its true i lack self control and just tend to talk about stuff when i feel the need of talking, but is that really so bad?

correct me if im wrong but i was never of the impression that posting something on the internet automatically means wanting to debate and argue unless you specifically say or initiate it on someone elses post? like thats why i pretty much always make my own post to complain and dont go on other peoples posts of opposing views, id view the latter as an invitation to argue moreso than the former

when i post some stupid opinion (im talking about harmless personal video game opinions mind you) on my own account who am i bothering, if people agree thats great! if they dont they can just move on- i know people love to discuss and share different opinions but the the ones i most often encounter are ones where its a basically trying to start a fight over whos more right (like theres always one correct opinion to have) or just telling me i am not allowed to feel like i feel-

im aware i cant expect everyone to be able to see a differeing opinion and move on without saying anything, but when i say something, unless its specifically a question, i just do it to vent, to let my thoughts out so they dont slowly gnaw at me, maybe find validation in others also thinking like that (i know i cant also expect everyone to think that way .. i just see it as a form of politeness? sorta?); in all honesty, i dont do it to get told opposing opinions (i know thats maybe a little ... idk, selfish i guess?) bc i usually have seen or heard those already and am saying mine bc i havent seen it before or very very little- what i think is often very much not the majority so the need to say something gets greater the more i see somethign i dont agree with, like an urge to balance it? a call to see if i am alone or not? and much less so to argue or debate over something like that, im tired and exhausted at all times, and have often trouble even getting myself to draw, i dont enjoy fights of any kind, and especialyl so when its about something so completely ignorable like a game opinion i only said bc i wanted it out of my head and bc i have seen that the majority seems to be of a different one

like a sticky note on a wall, not an invitation to a political meeting?

maybe this is something i need to work on and get better at, i havent found a way that lets me get rid of my thoughts in a way that doesnt leave me feeling guilty (like spamming my friends) or to gnaw at me (not saying anything, or somewhere no ones gonna hear it)

i know im incapable of shutting up ever (though at least i got a better control over my emotions by now) and i risk accidentally seeming like im inviting people to a fight but i dont know what else to do

maybe its something i horribly missunderstood about the internet, but its my only outlet for that, i dont have anyone IRL to talk to about my interests, maybe its a flaw that needs work, maybe its just a flaw, i dont know :/

[scoobysnakz]

Hard Luck

Chap iv

It’s hard finding love when your sole reason to live is your daughter, but when her best friends dad is annoyingly attractive and might have something to do with your rent randomly getting paid, who can blame you for being a little curious?

||* mostly fluff, Raya being an undiagnosed autistic child bc I'm plotting something evil, domestic Miguel if you squint, slightly pervy reader, mentions of oral reader receiving, reader being a silly fan-girl, cliff hanger bc why not.

Guilt. It's an overwhelming feeling that sits in the pit of his stomach in a way he's far too familiar with.

Miguel can name all the good and bad things about guilt. The way it allows you to be held accountable for your actions makes, your mind fray with culpability. How it can prevent someone- him- from doing something that will drive them- him- insane and remind them- him- that they have to have morals that keep them- him- grounded. Or else… or else.

There have been plenty of times Miguel has felt culpability and they have all been about something much more drastic than this. He's lost people, a family, so, so many versions of his family.

He needs to get this universe right. The thought of losing Gabi again makes his gut clench and that ticking in his jaw form again.

The first time it had happened, people had been upset for him, Peter had left him alone without being asked more than once and Jess was just the right amount of critical and loving. They were his guilt.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And then people were becoming concerned for him, but the kind where they scolded and questioned him so he stopped telling people each time he found a universe he could live in. That first universe was the only one he destroyed he's made sure of that.

And yet he's feeling so intensely guilty for his stalker-like tendencies when he's done much worse.

He knows he shouldn't have followed you, waited for you to enter the shop and prayed to anyone above that your card would cancel. But he needed to get your number- for parental reasons of course. And now he has it.

“I can't do that again,” Miguel groans, hand sliding down his face as he slumps into his chair.

Lyla snickers at him, hands covering her face while her legs kick in the air. Miguel looks over at her, expression unamused.

“It was a complete betrayal of her trust,” his fingers drum on the smooth wood of his desk.

“Don’t think the two of you had a trusting relationship, considering you only just got her number.” her teasing earns her a wave of dismissal.

“I’m this close,” he holds his hand in the air, thumb and index finger millimetres away, “from replacing you.” His leg bounces up and down, jaw tightened and lips pursed.

She scoffs at him and waves a blurred-out finger at him before slumping down on his desk. “But if you replace me how will you watch your girlfriend?”

“You aren't funny. I was watching her because I needed… her daughter is Gabi’s friend I can't have her being some scumbag.” his tone is harsh, fed up, and irritated, but he can't bite back the grin that forms at her teasing.

“She isn't a scumbag…”

Lyla hums in feigned disagreement, her minute pixelated frame now perched on his shoulder as she smirks up at him.

“She’s nice… to me, and old people.”

He glances out the window, dark clouds threatening rain as they swarm the grey sky. He sighs and looks back over at Lyla. He came to this universe for Gabi.

But he can't stop himself from thinking back to the way you smelt. The faint coconut and the mellowness of your washing powder settled gently against his skin like a thin, taunting mist, teasing his stiffening cock.

He relishes the way you let him pull you near. How easily you submitted to the man who hasn't even had a proper conversation with you and pretended to be his partner- his wife. How you put up such a lazy fight against it that it felt almost playful. How your eyes softened the moment you saw him. How you allowed him to help you despite the embarrassment that followed it.

“When you’ve finished being hopeless lover boy,” Lyla chirps, “you might want to y’know be Spiderman.”

***

Miguel didn't expect his offer to go so well. He just assumed that being stuck with two nine-year-old girls for a few hours would be hell but it's surprisingly entertaining.

He knows Gabi inside and out, yet when she's with Raya she's different. And it doesn't feel forced.

The two of them spent ages trying to figure out a flavour because they obviously had to have the same one. They both ended up choosing chocolate, much to Miguel’s distaste. And then when Gabi wanted a sprinkle cone but Raya wanted a plain one they ended up getting tubs.

“It's because she's my best friend, papá,” Gabi had stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which had made him chuckle.

“How was school?” he asks, feeling a little left out of the conversation.

Raya’d attention is immediately diverted towards him, wide eyes following each movement of his face. “It was fun,” she says quietly- shyly, making sure to swallow before speaking. It’s good table manners

“Papá, we’re talking!” Gabi whines with a pout, “Raya doesn't want to tell you about her day because you're boring.”

So he sits there, practically spilling out of the tiny metal chair, watching them laugh at him and whatever else makes girls their age giggle the way they are. He keeps a smile on his face and his phone on vibrate, waiting for you to reply to his text, or read it at least.

***

Your back arches with ecstasy, hips jolting upwards towards the source of your pleasure. You can feel your gummy walls clenching and when you look down to see what it is that's sliding inside your cunt, you’re met with the sight of the top of someone's head.

Thick, brown curls, all unfurled as you slide your fingers away. They look familiar in a way that makes you feel giddy.

Desperate to see who’s providing this bliss, you push their head away. You’re left with an achy, empty feeling as they pull their fingers out of you and drag their tongue off your puffy folds but you'll have to push past it. Maybe whine a little, but you'll manage.

You look down, brain too fuzzy with arousal to even process Miguel’s deep, chocolatey eyes gazing up at you. He's smiling boyishly, fangs poking over the tops of his perfectly formed, lips that are coated in a deliciously thick layer of your arousal.

“Can I keep going, Hermosa?” his velvety voice rumbles, sending chills down your spine.

Before you get a chance to beg for more than his skilled fingers and soft tongue, the sound of a traumatic radar sound blares and you’re forced awake.

You lie there for a moment, one hand lazily slung across your forehead while the other grips your mouth.

You can't tell if it's guilt or arousal but you can't think straight. All you know is that you just had a painfully realistic dream of a man you barely know eating you out. Part of you wishes it lasted longer but that's beside the point.

There's an uncomfortable slickness between your thighs and you're slightly tempted to do something about it but the constant ringing of your alarm reminds you that you do, in fact, have some form of common sense.

Ignoring the guilt that's swimming in your gut, you sit upright, legs dangling over the edge of the sofa. You sit there for a moment, trying to figure out if you should be feeling that guilt or if it's your brain’s fault. You settle for the latter.

Yawning, you pick up your phone, scanning for notifications you know aren't there. A few from the weather app, another from a period tracking app that says your ovulating (that explains the dream- hopefully) and then… a text from Miguel.

It's one of those texts that you don't know how to reply to, it's got a simple answer but that's rude and all of the emojis are far too informal for someone you have saved as ‘Gabi’s dad’

You stare at Miguel’s text. Let the letter jumble up and scramble into unintelligible blobs as your eyes start to sting with tears before you allow yourself to blink.

I’ve got the girls. Could you text me your address so I can drop Raya off later?

He’s got the girls and now he wants your address. That's the part that makes it so hard to reply.

You don't live in the nicest of areas, graffiti in the stairwell that you have to use because the lift stinks of piss, loud neighbours and a possibly dead cat stuffed into one of the bins at the entrance.

It's embarrassing.

Miguel’s a tailored man, with slicked-back hair and freshly ironed clothes. You contemplated lying about your address, tell him it's some random house, meet him outside before quickly running off with Raya to get the bus.

But you don't want her growing up ashamed of not having money. You can't have her becoming a pompous brat who whines about not getting things. Because that's not who is she now, nor will she ever be.

You tap the smooth glass of your phone screen over and over again with your thumb before forcing yourself to reply. And almost immediately you get a reply

‘👍’

You can't stop the smile that forms on your lips at how fast his response is, he was probably on his phone or coincidentally looking checking his notifications when you sent the text.

But now you have nothing to do. You couldn't pick up an extra shift because- thanks to your stupidity- you somehow forgot that you can't randomly change your hours as a carer. And apparently, you can't even sleep without being a pervert.

Sleep sounds nice though. Your eyes are heavy with countless nights of single-digited hours of sleep. It's pulling at your brain in a way that makes your thoughts fuzzy and your body slowly sinks back into the sofa again.

A loud thudding noise startles you from your sleep. It's repetitive and loud so your first instinct is to slam off your alarm but when you see a blank screen you divert your fatigued brain to the front door.

Completely forgetting about Raya being out with Miguel and Gabi, you pull the door open. You look a mess, mascara smudged and eyes heavier than the weights he probably lifts with those delicious arms…

“Mum,” Raya mumbles, her face buried in her chest as pulls you close.

You stumble back, fighting back a yawn, and nearly fall onto the sofa but Raya pulls you forward. “Hey, baby,” you smile down at her, laughing awkwardly at nearly making a complete fool of yourself.

You drag your gaze up to Miguel, his board shoulders filling out the doorway while his hand clutches onto Gabi’s.

“Miguel,” your voice is groggy but cute and it makes him feel safe on the inside, “Thank you for having her.” You go to playfully nudge Raya but she's no longer next to you, now shyly hidden behind you, clutching into your shirt.

“She has beautiful manners,” his voice is like velvet that's been melted by a log fire and poured on top of Valentine's chocolates.

He looks down at you, eyes briefly tearing away from you to discreetly inspect your apartment. It's cute, homely, you. Lots of blankets and cushions, picture frames dotted around, and a random coat stand that stands bare.

“Would you like to come in?” you offer, attempting to stifle another yawn, failing to succeed as pleasantly the last time.

Miguel opens his mouth, pretty lips parted so perfectly that your half-awake brain might just fall for him on the spot.

“Please, papá! Raya said she has a bunch of teddies!” Gabi pleads, her accent bearing a striking resemblance to Miguel’s.

Before he gets a chance to decline, she pushes past him and skips over to Raya. She grabs her hand and almost immediately her awkwardness melts away as they run into her room.

“Sorry, she's really-”

“Bold?” you offer, head cocked to the side.

“Yeah... Let's go with that version.”

The two of you share an awkwardly dry chuckle before you both look away.

“Coffee?” you break the silence.

“Would be nice,” he finishes for you.

Nervously, you lead him to your minute kitchen island, kicking random toys out of the way before he gets a chance to see them.

As he walks through your apartment, your home, Miguel can't help but feel at ease. It's messy but not in an unhygienic way, you can just tell it's lived in happily.

The waterrings on the countertops, a random bag of bouncy balls left on the floor for someone to trip on. Miguel can imagine himself here, not living, but staying.

Maybe his shoes lazily kicked off in a slobbish pile on the sofa, Gabi’s coat slung on the unused coat rack next to Raya’s and yours.

“Sorry it's a mess, I was going to tidy up but I got… sidetracked. But I promise it's not normally this messy, just today. Which is strangely coincidental but it really isn't. And-”

“It's nice in here,” he cuts you off as if he couldn't hear what you'd just said.

His small slither of praise makes you smile. That toothrottingly sweet smile that makes every fibre of his being burn with arousal.

“Thanks.”

You turn your back to him, searching for your coffee before you grab a small glass jar that has instant coffee in it.

“Fuck,” you grumble, “its empty. So… no coffee for us,” you laugh.

He shrugs his shoulders and takes the jar from you.

“Bin?” he asks.

“There,” you point, “left side is recyclable and right is the other stuff.”

He opens the bin and drops the jar, smiling in satisfaction as it lands with a soft third. He lifts his foot from the pedal before catching a glimpse of red. Curious, he presses down on the pedal again and reads the block writing.

EVICTION NOTICE

[darkchocolatedimples]

the tortured poets department (sponsored by my procrastination)

excuse my essays for each song the lyrics are so interesting to me so there’s like actual analyzation for each one.

fortnight - dex

that lingering resentment disguised by surface level friendship is that not literally him and sophie come on. “run into you sometimes, ask about the weather” the awkwardness!! “your wife waters flowers, i want to kill her” he was the #1 fitz hater for multiple reasons after all (although i think he was over it by the time keefe became prominent)

the tortured poets department - sophie

this is so keefe from her perspective come on “you’re in self sabatoge mode, throwing spikes down the road, but i’ve seen this episode and still love the show” “i chose this cyclone with you” “sometimes i wonder if you’re gonna screw this up with me. but you told [biana] that you’d kill yourself if i ever leave. and i had said that to [dex] about you so i felt seen. everyone we know understands why we’re meant to be.” also let’s be so real keefes drawing journals + goodbye letters, he’s giving tortured poet

my boy only breaks his favorite toys - fitz

guys he’s just a silly little boy with anger issues, and he’s MY silly little boy with anger issues stop hating him 😞 “the voices in his head called the rain to end our days of wild” “he saw forever so he smashed it up” he may have fucked up but it happens!!

down bad - dex

CUZ FUCK IT HE WAS IN LOVE!!! also if i may present to you: “i might just die it would make no difference” in the context that outside of sophie saw no purpose to his own life. he saw himself just as he is presented in the books: as her best friend and nothing more. so in losing that (blaming himself and his own feelings for it) what was left of him? who was left? sophie was also his ONLY friend. not to mention in the context of the fact that when he WAS presumed dead nobody cared, they still cared more about sophie.

so long, london - keefe

no not bc of london actually but because “and you say i abandoned the ship but i was going down with it, my white knuckle dying grip holding tight to your quiet resentment” is actually a direct reference to keefitz’ friendship falling apart as fitz got angrier and keefe got more closed off. “you swore that you loved me but where were the clues?” “im just mad as hell cause i loved this place” me when everglen is no longer keefes safehaven. nor anyone’s for that matter bc its haunted by alvars betrayal and alden’s mind break and fitz’ anger.

but daddy i love him - biana

“i just learned these people only raise you to cage you” “i just learned these people try and save you…cause they hate you” “dutiful daughter all my plans were laid…growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all.” i hate alden vacker. how do u manage to use and fuck up all ur kids by age 12 like wow. “i’ll tell you something about my good name: it’s mine alone to disgrace” she would 100% say this. she would also 100% say “im having his baby! no im not but you should see your faces.”

fresh out the slammer - keefe

sokeefe or keefitz take it as it comes. “in the shade of how he was feeling.” “as i said in my letters.” “my friends try, but i wouldn’t hear it…for just one glimpse of his smile” “swirled you into all of my poems” it’s so him it is truly.

florida!!! - keefe

THIS one’s about london! “well me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time! yes i’m haunted but im feeling just fine” ethan and eleanor wright who?? “your home’s really only a town you’re just a guest in” candle shade/shores of solace type beat “i need to forget so take me to [london], i have some regrets i’ll bury them in [london]” “i don’t want to exist so take me to [london]” aw bae

guilty as sin? - dex

i don’t know how to explain but i just feel like this feeling of i shouldn’t be doing/feeling this the literal guilt and all these delusions and the sheer intensity of it all is just giving me dex. “this cage was once just fine, am i allowed to cry? i dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks” “i keep these longings locked in lowercase inside a vault” this must be the way he loves if he thinks so little of himself and doesn’t let himself have good things. “i choose you and me religiously” because at the end of the day when he makes a decision or chooses something or someone he puts his all into it.

who’s afraid of little old me - sophie

“you lured me and you hurt me and you taught me. you caged me then you called me crazy. i am what i am cuz you trained me.” all of it’s literally giving her growing into herself in stellarlune and making decisions on her own. SHE IS NOT A PAWN!!!

i can fix him (no really i can) - tam

idk its just giving him defending rayni with his life when everyone else including linh was like who tf is this girl.

loml - fitz

every sad pining song is fitz vacker to me. esp the refrences to the romance being dead but never buried... "still alive killing time at the cemetery, never quite buried...i'm your holy ghost" the way that sophie switched up on him in stellarlune (although i fully support her) didn't give him much time to recover. "are they second-hand embarrased that i can't get out of bed because something counterfiet's dead" give me heartbroken fitz!!! for once instead of angry fitz just give me tired, resigned fitz. "it was legendary, it was momentary, it was unecessary, should've let it stayed buried" is such a good summary of sophitz imo.

i can do it with a broken heart - linh

linh is so interesting to me as a parallel of fitz: meaning she, just like him, is always angry. however she masks it in smiles and kindness the way he never learned to, he just lashes out. this song feels like it’s talking about that mask: “i’m so depressed i act like it’s my birthday everyday” “i can read your mind ‘she’s having the time of her life’ …i can show you lies” “cause im miserable and nobody even knows” “i can hold my breath, i’ve been doing it since [i] left”

the smallest man who ever lived - keefe

it’s giving a letter to cassius/gisela/alvar. “and i don’t even want you back, i just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal. and i don’t miss what we had” “did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?” “in 50 years will all this be declassified and you’ll confess why you did it, and i’ll say ‘good riddance’” “i would’ve died for your sins instead i just died inside. and you deserve prison but you won’t get time” “in plain sight you hid, but you are what you did. and i’ll forget you but i’ll never forgive.”

the alchemy - sophie

“cause the sign on your heart said it’s still reserved for me. honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?” aw sokeefe.

clara bow - biana

BIANA BEING COMPARED TO HER BROTHERS AND ALL THE VACKERS BEFORE THEM "the crown is stained but you're the real queen" "beauty is a beast that roars, down on all fours, demanding more...its hell on earth to be heavenly" i love her.

the black dog - fitz

bring back petty fitz!! i think the young girl not knowing the starting line could parallel with keefe not being able to understand things about telepathy that really connected fitz and sophie. i also think we could shift the angle and make it about alvars betrayal and how it sparked his angry trauma response. “you said i needed a brave man, then proceeded to play him until i believed it too.” “now i want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes…even if i die screaming, and i hope you hear it.”

imgonnagetyouback - fitz

he is 100% this delusional. he's just like me. "you'll find that you were never not mine" "even if its handcuffed im leaving here with you." "told my friends i hate you but i love you just the same, pick your poison babe, i'm poison either way"

the albatross - keefe

“one bad seed kills the garden. one less temptress, one less dagger to sharpen.” “the devil that you know looks now more like an angel. i’m the life you chose, and all this terrible danger.” HE IS THE ALBATROSS. i can’t wait for the movie i want edits of him to this. ACTUALLY I WANT A LOT OF THINGS maybe I’ll make a separate post about that.

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus - keefe

you saw it coming. this song SCREAMS KEEFITZ. like- “you said some things that i can’t unabsorb…you needed me but you needed drugs more.” “changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules all to outrun my desertion of you.” “if you want to break my cold cold heart just say ‘i loved you the way that you were’” WHAT THE HECK DUDE IM SOBBING “back to the moment i crashed into you like so many wrecks do” that line solidified this as keefe’s pov for me. in conclusion. SOBBING.

how did it end - biana

i propose to you: not a relationship, but the vacker family falling apart and the way they became a huge subject of gossip in the lost cities. when alden’s mind broke, while fitz had turned to anger biana became depressed, and i think this song could relate to that as well. the whole part of “guess who we ran into at the shops” feels very much like conversations others would have about the vackers at the time and when alvar betrayed them. “soon they’ll go home to their [brothers], smug cause they know they can trust him.” and i think at the end of the day when all of it happened biana was just young and betrayed and lost, because she didn’t see it coming or understand why (who did?) “the deflation of our dreaming, leaving me bereft and reeling” “i can’t pretend like i understand, how did it end?”

so high school - biana

HER VIBES ALL THE WAY she’s so cute and lovely and i want this for her (and dex. specifically dex. not anyone else.)

i hate here - sophie

was leaning dex until “you see i was a debutant in another life but now i seem to be scared of going outside” but the whole idea of escapism applies to both of them. especially to sophie though when she lived with humans and was so alone because even her own family couldn’t understand her, and she canonically is a bookworm and probably found more comfort in those other lives than she ever could in her own. "I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind...i read about it in a book when I was a precious child" "ill get lost on purpose, this place made me feel worthless"

thanK you aIMee - tam

aimee 🤝🏽 the song parents. “everyone knows that my [sister] is a saintly woman. but she used to say she wished that you were dead.” “but when i count the scars there’s a moment of truth: that there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you.” thank you song parents 🫶🏽

i look in people’s windows - fitz

i thought this song sounded so creepy till I actually listened to it and now the idea of like lowkey stalking someone just to see if they still care about you or have moved on is slightly making sense. "does it feel alright to not know me? i'm addicted to the if only." it's giving keefitz (when isn't it?)

the prophecy - dex

"let it once be me, who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy?" THIS JUST REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF THE BEGINNING OF STELLARLUNE WHEN HES LITERALLY MOURNING WHAT HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED TO HIS BROTHER YET i need more dex being the oldest sibling and shouldering that burden. the love-hate relationship with his siblings while simultaneously trying to make their quality of life so much better than what he had. also "a lesser woman would've lost hope, a greater woman wouldn't beg" is so him. he is so that middle.

cassandra - tam

"so they killed cassandra first cuz she feared the worst...do you believe me now?" "you can mark my words, i said it first. in a mourning warning, no one heard." tam when keefe joined the neverseen fr

peter - keefe

pls tell me you saw this one coming. "are you still a mindreader? a natural scene stealer, I've heard great things [fitz], but life was always easier on you than it was on me." "promises, oceans deep, but never to keep" "forgive me [fitz], my lost fearless leader...from when we were just kids. is it something I did?" i think I'm just in a constant state of mourning their friendship.

the bolter - keefe

obvious reasons but also "i can confirm she made a curious child, ever reviled by everyone but her own father." "hearts are hers for the breaking, there's escape in escaping." "she's got the best stories, you can be sure, as she was leaving, it feels like freedom."

robin - dex

had to do some research for this one but apparently its talking about preserving a child's innocence! for this reason it reminds me again of dex and his siblings because of the way he really wants to protect them from things that haven't happened yet (especially considering rex being talentless). "way to go tiger" definitely sounds like something he would say to them feeling all sentimental but then, knowing siblings, they'd probably grill him about why he's being nice 💀

the manuscript -

we know the drill by now, fitz gets all the breakup songs because they could be about sophie OR keefe. "afterwords, she only ate kid's cereal, and slept in her mother's bed" while the song is discussing reverting back to childhood habits in vulnerability, fitz's vulnerability made him angry (but it was still a big change from his regular self) "looking back might be the only way to move forward" I hope he does get to move on!!! im tired of the love triangle plot if we're not gonna focus on keefitz' friendship 😭

[hinamie]

hi hina what are your top three pokemon games??

b/w & b2/w2 I BELIEVE IN GEN5 SUPREMACY !!! the MUSIC!!!! THE GRAPHICSSS GOD THE LIMITED 3D GRAPHICS THEYRE SO CHARMING!!!!!!! not to mention the loml N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god i feel so much about N. honestly the motivations of the evil team r actually so interesting and I think it makes for some of the most compelling story u see in the early pokemon games. pokemon liberation??? hello???? it's one thing to want to take over the world or like. flood the earth but to manipulate the masses and play to people's guilty conscience by insinuating that they might be Hurting pokemon by keeping them captive??? they did not have to cook so severely with that concept but i'm so glad they did. That being said I think I prefer the story of the original b/w games just because of how new and unsettling it was to encounter team plasma for the first time and all the interactions with N, but I do rly appreciate how the sequels expounded on them! colress is ok as a villain and even more ok as mad scientist twink eyecandy so I'll allow him gfsdjh I also do like that b2/w2 included more pokemon in the base games I love you early riolu i love you castelia city eevee encounter,,,. I also LOVE how they tried to pull a Trainer Red 2.0 with the postgame battle against the b/w MC in the sequels god gen5 is so GOOD :’)

Platinum i mean is anyone surprised hfdsjg sinnoh is art to me. fr all i rave about gen5 gen4 is the one I grew up with and played alongside my friend group as a kid so when it comes to the nostalgia factor, sinnoh is unmatched. The legendaries in this gen r iconic and so well designed there is not a single one that sticks out as a hard miss. sinnoh gave us cresselia and darkrai it gave us 2 forms of shaymin it gave us !!! glaceon!!!!!!!! i love u sinnoh always <3

hg/ss listen i know these games get a bit of a bad rep for having poor power scaling and being baby games in terms of difficulty but i do not care bc i can see my guys walking behind me and that is all i care about argue with a wall!!!!! also pokeathelon >>>>>>>> 

i also have to give an honourary mention to sw/sh gdfshjgdsjk games that arguably get an even Worse rep ik but hear me out. they were my return to the pokemon games after having skipped gens 6-7 entirely and I enjoyed my playthrough SO much I genuinely had so much fun. I wasn’t too put off by the glitches or the objectively bad plot, I was just so happy to be playing pokemon again :’> ALSO I am a proud Hop defender I respect the hell out of the writers for the arc they gave him. Was it rushed and underdeveloped yes but by pokemon game standards? I honestly found Hop’s self-doubt n identity crisis super moving sue me. Also the trainer character designs r so GOOD RAIHAN CALL ME 

another honourary mention to s/v gfjhd i haven't played it personally bc I could not get past the graphics of it but speaking of compelling pokemon storytelling,,, Arvin mr. mommy/daddy issues I care abt u so much. ALSO CHAR DESIGN HEAVEN HELLO LIKE GRUSHA?? RIKA??? CALL M E

[alvie-pines]

Not sure if you still want headcanons or ideas for OpBee (and sorry about your father) but here are some stuff I guess?:

Let's assume those are like mix of continuities

•Since Bee is in special forces and well a spy I feel like he would be very good at hiding his emotions, at least more better then what people give him credit for. OP is also very good at it but he also has his tells that Bee probably noticed over the centuries. Probably like his movement of his OP dials or mini expressions around his eyes like when they widen in surprise or crease in amusement or worry.

• I feel like Bee would rather scrub the whole ark with human toothbrush rather then confess, like at all. He is good bad at hiding his emotions about Optimus and he feels comfortable he yearns to be in this limbo of not knowing. He tends to fall fast and usually it ends up in heartbreak or painful rejection and hey we speaking of Optimus prime here.

•Optimus would fall slower but harder. He is used to not showing his true feelings so maybe he mistakes the slowly growing romantic affection for something else? Depends if we wanna ANGSTY route or fun route so inma go for ambiguous one.

•The first time Bee gets injured (like extended med stay injured) under Optimus command, he thinks he made a mistake allowing Bee out in the battle BC (insert angsty reason) untill he finds out the only reason bee was injured was because his cover was blown as he rescued a comrade from certain doom.

•From that a lot of feelings started to grow, constant worry over Bee health in particular which makes Optimus feel guilty BC he has a whole army to think about, not just Bee. But there is also pride whenever Bee manages to accomplish something great like obtaining crucial information or managing to twart decepticon plans. There is also frustration whenever Bee gets Infront of unnecessary danger like taking a shot for him that he could have easily take on.

•Different love languages!!! I feel like whilst Optimus love language would be acts of service Bee would be verbal. Optimus can't just act like he blatantly favorites Bee so he finds different ways to show his love like spending his short free time with bee or even doing paperwork in the same room. Leaving small gifts that Bee offhandedly mentioned or doing what he can to make Bee happy.

Bee on the other hand would find words be just a tad more meaningful. For me it's like, he is a spy he needs to be showed he is loved through action but he feels that if he tried reciprocate it would came as less genuine. So he speaks and speaks and finds words to say Optimus about what he loves how he loves. He lets himself be himself in those moments.

If he looses his voice around this time it would be even more devastating as he lost his main way to show love. Sure he can give gifts and show his love in different ways but his main way was taken away from him. He still grieves it.

•They probably share quality time as shared loved language.

I'm not sure about character limit in asks so inma end it here and hope those helps in any way!!! I'm more then happy to send some more :D

sorry for spelling mistakes I tried to catch them but screen be blurry dbdhdh

-@);-- R anon

thank you so much!! its good to keep my mind off my family situation right now. and i loooove all these headcanons.

i love bee and optimus slowly learning to read each other better than most of their peers... slowly picking up on each others feelings.

i also think bee could really easily view himself as "not worthy" because, i mean, its a prime. he might view his crush on op as something that would be insulting or even blasphemous if optimus were to find out.

meanwhile, optimus thinks his feelings are wrong because of the power he holds as a prime--he thinks that if he confesses, bee will say yes just to please him. so he keeps those feelings very close to his spark. he also probably worries about responsibility and impartiality as a commanding officer. (irl, in the military, your commanding officer often cannot be your partner due to the bias it can cause in decision-making)

such good angst ideas in here, i am eating it up.

[edvinception]

To be quite honest, I don't know why you keep giving these negative people a voice on this blog that is supposed to be for fans that I thought were supportive and loving. It makes it really hard to want to keep following bc seeing those asks every time edvin does or doesn't do something, ppl feeling like they're entitled to share their nasty opinion on here with you keep engaging with the hate, and instead of having fun here it's upsetting and really exhausting. And I would imagine it is for you too and I would suggest just ignoring these asks or deleting them but in case you don't, could you please at least tag them with negativity or some sort of indication?

Anon, I don't know which asks I've answered most recently that you perceive as hate because I've not gotten any that I perceive as hate. If you are referring to people not loving his new hair I think we are allowed to and I don't think anyone has been hateful about it.

If you mean talking about his future career and what this new hairstyle means I also don't think someone has been hateful about it. Just voicing their opinion and concerns which I've not really agreed with.

These asks can definitely read as negative but I didn't really look at them as super bad.

I think as long as the tone and use of words is civil we can have talks and discussions.

The ones that are hateful I ignore, believe me. I ignore asks regularly because I don't want to answer them and I try to use a positive tone in the ones I choose to answer.

It's not your intention anon but it's quite exhausting to get this type of asks that to me feels like dictating what I'm allowed to post and not. It's not fun for me either to get these asks (compared to the kind of asks I mentioned above) It pressures me and makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I can't do anything right.

I really really put on an effort in the way I choose to reply and to keep the tone respectful. I try to keep the content positive but still allow people to come with their thoughts and opinons. I understand it may come off as me engaging with hate and negativity but I do it in good faith and assume that the anons do too.

Since I've gotten so much real hate and nasty asks and alot more negative ones maybe it has shifted my perspective abit.

We are all different in that regard.

It is totally valid if you want to unfollow and we all need to curate our own tumblr experience so it makes us happy. Tumblr shouldn't feel daunting and exhausting.

Maybe I can use a tag but I also don't want to mark certain asks (that might just be an anon voicing a real concern in good faith) as negative. I can think about a way to do it but I don't want to make people feel guilty or bad for wanting to discuss something that's not entirely. Maybe I can find one that works well for everyone. I'll definitely think about it!

Emojis can be used as tags right?

[madridfangirl]

Personally I feel like Arjun has very strong feelings for Ananya and he struggles with this bc he sees Ananya at work and she is a colleague and used to be a good friend I guess. They aren’t close any more bc they are probably distancing from one another. I think Arjun might make it known to her but him struggling with these feelings but asking her to reconsider and this she confesses to Jude about all this and he loses it maybe we get to see a proper Jude v Arjun showdown

Oh wow! Wow - this is juicy.

Guess I never thought of it from Arjun’s POV but now that you mention it, this is possible. Especially if he really has strong feelings for Ananya, which he does.

And seeing someone like that at work everyday, in the same team, is hard. Especially when their field is as taxing as it is.

It reminds me - I have never given Arjun a POV here. We have never seen him in a proper real time conversation. Maybe an Ananya - Arjun conversation at some point? When they are away for work - just the two of them? On a flight or in a hotel far away. And it’s raining like hell and it’s a cold remote place so they have like coffee together or something?

And Ananya is constantly thinking how she’ll have to tell jude about this. And then Arjun goes ‘you’re worried he won’t take this well aren’t you’? She’ll look at him surprised and Arjun would go ‘I guessed it. You wouldn’t keep anything like this from your boyfriend. Coz you are you.’

And he’d look at her like she’s the most precious thing in the world but he’s not allowed to even be in the vicinity. And the troubled sad heart of his would make her feel guilty and she’ll see for the first time what he’s going through. Jude might call but her phone is away and she wants to apologise to Arjun but she doesn’t know how to. And Arjun goes ‘would you tell me if anything changes?’

OH MY GOD I’M SPIRALLING WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME

(I suddenly feel bad for Arjun what the hell is happening I did not see this coming)

[scoobydoodean]

...so I've realized that I interpret the "Nobody cares that you're broken" line much differently than a lot of other people? I always kind of took it as Dean saying "yeah you think you're broken, but that doesn't matter we still want you around and you still have a place here and you're still capable of helping".

I guess I took it similar to the "I'd rather have you, cursed or not", like, Dean would rather Cas be there even if he is "broken"...bc I'm sure Dean thinks of HIMSELF as broken, too, and yet he's still there and trying to move forward

Idk I was shocked when I saw how often that line was used by deancrits and realized uhh maybe my interpretation was really different hahaha

From 7.23:

DEAN: You got anything to say on the topic of Dicks? Crowley was pretty sure that you could help. CASTIEL: I can't help. You understand? I can't. I destroyed... everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?

DEAN: No. [He gets up.] No, we can't. SAM: Dean... DEAN: We can't leave it. You let these friggin' things in. So you don't get to make a sandwich. You don't get a damned cat. Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!

CASTIEL: You know... we should play Twister.

I... might have a more nuanced and lengthy take on this with tons and tons of context later when I make my way back through season 7, but I'll tell you what I think right now from my memory: people who hang onto this line and resent Dean for it should grow the fuck up. Which is exactly what Dean is telling Cas to do. Not because Cas isn't allowed to have feelings, but because Cas is hiding. He made a mess, and he does not want to help clean it up because if he has to help clean it up he has to face that he broke something... that his plans backfired, that he created more issues in the process of trying to solve others. Which he did. Like we can justify a lot of what Cas did in season 6, and he has an understandable perspective. But he did kill thousands of people. He did kill one of his best friends in the world for standing in his way. He did try to manipulate Dean. He did break Dean's trust. He did break Sam's wall. All while thinking he was also doing what was necessary, but it happened, and Balthazar begged him not to do what he was going to do because he knew there would be consequences Cas refused to think about, and Cas did it anyway and he killed Balthazar for opposing him, and broke Sam's wall to keep Sam and Dean and Bobby from opposing him... all while insisting it was "not broken".

Those are simply facts of what happened, and fans can not like those facts, but they exist nonetheless. Cas is not a child. He is a very very very old cosmic being, who is hiding from a situation that he is largely responsible for. Now is "nobody cares that you're broken" all Dean has to say? No. This is the same episode where Dean also says,

"Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you're the only guy left on the bench... Sorry, but I'd rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We're all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?"

And then Cas and Dean defeat Dick Roman together—as a team. Because it isn't actually about what a bad horrible person Cas is and how he needs to wallow in that and feel that or not feel that and if anyone dares to suggest he face what he did they're being mean . It's about how they're all fuck ups but they are doing their best. That's all they can ask of each other. They all have been used and abused and they have tried to clean up other people's messes and caused some of their own mess along the way which they are perpetually mopping up. They're Team Free Will (One ex-blood junkie, one dropout with six bucks to his name, and Mr. Comatose.) and they will figure it out... but only if they are all trying, and Cas, in that moment, is NOT. He is hiding. Because he feels guilty. I think Dean IS angry at Cas here for leaving them with the bag, but that... isn't unfair, but it also doesn't fully incapsulate Dean's opinions on the matter.

[aureliaen]

When you say “is anyone hurt by the lack of florrick content” that’s kind of what op is getting at. I write & read mainly f/f & it does in fact suck that there’s so little content of those ships & chars. When demographics are so skewed we need to ask why-that’s why they brought up “ppl say female chars are less interesting” bc that’s a justification we hear a ton. They weren’t attacking individuals but a cultural issue in fandom. Interrogating systemic biases anywhere is important & makes fandom as a whole better.

That's fair, I def see your point. It's frustrating when your favorite ships and characters aren't getting as much attention as you'd want, especially as an active creator yourself, and I def understand how that might make you more reactively bitter about those that do. I feel similarly about Astarion. I quite enjoyed him while playing for the most part, but seeing how unreasonably overrepresented he is in the fandom made him a lot more annoying.

The thing is, just because it's personally irritating doesn't make it an actual issue. What I mean by that is, fandom is driven by active fans. It is very possible that Astarion's fans are, for example, more prolific than Shadowheart's and make more than 1 fanfic per author on average, or that they're a lot younger and have more time on their hands. Just some possible examples.

We can and should talk about biases and the way they interact with the game and its community, but that's not what happened in that post. People reblogging are just using it as a place to complain and insult those they deem as guilty of the female characters' lack of popularity, with no quality discussion taking place. But those of us who write and read fanfics about Gortash instead of Orin don't do it because we hate Orin, it's because we love Gortash (and because his dynamic with Durge is completely different from Orin's so comparing them in the first place is inaccurate).

They weren’t attacking individuals but a cultural issue in fandom.

This rubs me the wrong way too. It just doesn't seem true. The fandom isn't a hivemind. It's made of individual, very specific people with specific interests, reasons to create and circumstances that do or don't allow them to create. It's not a cultural issue that a bunch of different groups enjoy male characters the author decided to often arbitrarily juxtapose with a different female character for the sake of proving a predetermined point. It's not like it's a male fans vs female fans thing either? I love Gortash and would rather write about him than Orin (even though I really like Orin). I love Minthara and would never write about Halsin. I don't give a shit about Zevlor or Florrick. For many, many people, there's no overlap.

So what the post (or maybe the people reblogging) is/are really doing is addressing a collective of creators with extremely varying interest in dynamics and characters, with one shared trait of them being male, and telling them that that's a bad thing and they're perpetuating misogyny. And you should also account for the fact that many of those people ship those male characters with their own female Tavs/Durges, who are often extremely fleshed out characters with intriguing backstories and characterization. It makes no sense.

Having said all that, I know how hard it is to start writing and I hope more F/F fans who don't currently create will join you in building that side of the community. BG3 has a ton of great female characters that deserve love, def no doubt about that.

[evenmoreofadisaster]

I saw someone previously ask about amnesia as an idea and I was wondering if the boys looks would change. Obviously they would still have their scars but would splinter give them their masks?

Furthermore I have a few questions about reactions, if that’s alright?

Would One actually be happy being with Mikey and Raph at first? Would Mikey be really happy that the family is coming together? Would Raph feel like they really are his little brothers and want to protect them? Would One and Two unconsciously remember the type of soldier and commander relationship they have and unintentionally act in that way towards each other or would they act more like canon Leo and Donnie? Would their be way more fluff then angst? Would the boys choose Draxum over The Family or would they choose to just be alone together, cause even though they know the fam lied would they think that Draxum is pretty bad after finally receiving love and learning that what they originally were doing was wrong and it may feel like they are the only ones they can trust? Can I give them both a hug and kiss? Would they continue to go by One and Two after remembering who they are or would they feel more comfortable going by Leo and Donnie?

Just kind of curious where this all could lead. Thank you for all your amazing work.

Yes, I think in this scenario Splinter would give the twins their masks!

I think One would almost immediately feel like something's wrong. He has that natural instinct and it would probably bother him until he figured it out. So, to answer your first question, I don't think One would allow himself to be happy.. though, I can see him pretending to be happy and pretending to believe Raph and Mikey's false story until he figures out the truth.

Mikey would most likely feel happy that his family is complete, but he'd probably also feel very guilty for lying to One and Two about who they really are.

In this case, I think Raph would still be a little on edge around the twins, which feeds into One's suspicions, but he would still see One and Two as his brothers and he would try and protect them, especially from Draxum.

I think it'd make sense if One and Two naturally fell into their commander/soldier relationship on top of the Leo/Donnie dynamic we see in the show.

There would be more fluff on the surface of the story, but as the story progresses, there'll still be lots of angst.

I want to say, yes, the twins will still choose Draxum over the fam bc at this point in EMD, One and Two are still pretty loyal to Draxum. I think if Splinter were to talk bad about Draxum while the twins have amnesia, One would instinctually feel irritated... Two probably would as well. I like to think that Two is more hesitant to betray the Hamatos than One is, but I think it'll depend on what happens.

You can.

The twins would still continue to go by One and Two. At least One would prefer it. Two might like the name Donnie more, but I don't think he would admit that.

Again, I really like this concept lol so if you guys have more questions about it, I'd be happy to answer them!

[payphoneangel]

HEHEHE 4 & 5 for Sam, 9 & 10 for Dean, and 14, 15, & 18 for Cas >:3c

Send me a character + a number and I’ll tell you my headcanons for them

DOHOHOHOH OKAY HELL YEAH

Sam (given the nature of these two i'm gonna b a little horny abt it lol) 4) Best places to kiss on their body: uhhhh first and foremost his cute lil pointy nose!! give that bad boy a hearty ~chu~ But if the kisser wants to really feel how they're affecting him I would say go along the jawline. He carries a lot of tension in his jaw and it would be fun to feel how that tension lessens/intensifies by being smooched. (Spicy version) I think starting at the hip and kissing down the V of his abdomen would be fun for all parties involved. 5) Guilty pleasures: Now this one is very fun bc has his whole obsession with purity and being 'clean' so there's a lot of things he doesn't allow himself to do. I def think one of his guilty pleasures is that he likes Chick fil a. He knows they're a super shitty homophobic corporation and he KNOWS he shouldn't support them AND a lot of the food on the menu is 'unhealthy' and something he can't eat bc of [insert w/e diet he's on this week] but he loves it. OH, how he loves it. It's his comfort food. He likes their special sauce and even when he tries to make it himself it never quite tastes right so he will occasionally buy food from there and then feel awful about it for like 3 days afterward. (Spicy version (warning for mentions of SA)) Ok so I think Sam has a lot of weird hangups about sex. Particularly, he feels weird about subbing. I do think he enjoys it, but where the guilt comes in is that he doesn't feel like he should enjoy it because of the ways in which his bodily autonomy has been jeopardized. It feels very strange to him to derive pleasure from a situation that resembles a context in which the circumstances were very dire for him. I think it's scary for him to give up that sense of control, but even scarier that he actually enjoys it. Since Sam has been known to diminish and trivialize his own trauma, I think subbing might make him slip into a spiral about if he 'actually was assaulted' bc if he enjoys it here how bad were the times when he was forced to submit to someone? I think he has a lot of trouble acknowledging himself as a victim, and I think enjoying subbing would make him think himself a """bad victim""" if he doesn't actively work to get out of that mindset. Because of that, I don't think he subs often, and only with someone he really really trusts, but I think he does really enjoy it and can even derive some catharsis from it.

Dean 9) Humiliating memories: ooooooooh ok now this one is a little tough bc Dean is constantly tormented by The Shame so it's hard to pick out a specific instance where he was definitely humiliated buuuuuut in my personal headcanon one of the most impactful times is his first solo hunt. More specifically, the situation leading up to Dean's first hunt. I mention it here, but essentially, John catches on to Dean having feelings for another boy, which scares the hell out of Dean. After disappearing for a few days (leaving Dean alone and sick to his stomach with anxiety for John's total lack of a reaction) he comes back to the motel, picks Dean up, and tells him to go do a salt and burn of two dead gay nuns. He does, but also internalizes the message John is sending: this is what happens to people like you. John picks him up afterward and never directly says what he's referring to, but tells Dean, "you need to be careful and not be selfish. Your stupid decisions could get you or even Sammy hurt." That, of course, makes Dean feel so astoundingly horrible, he can barely respond. It's why I am in the camp of 'Dean is painfully aware of his attraction to men, but rarely acts on it/never vocalizes it.' bc ^this memory, coupled with the homophobia of the 90's/00's makes Dean very wary of how he carries himself and the kind of """negative attention""" he wants to could attract, and how that could endanger himself/other people around him. 10) Fears/phobias: ok this could couple nicely with the thing i just talked about above but instead I'm going to go in an entirely different direction: DEAN IS (or should be) SCARED OF DOGS. It's honestly pretty wild to me that this really isn't touched on in canon. One of his most significant/narratively impactful deaths is when he was mauled by Hellhounds, and consequently dragged to Hell for 40 years. Canon like, farts in this direction sorta in s6 but it's really not talked about. Homeboy got sliced and diced by dogs!!! He should have some residual stuff about that!! Also I think it would be a point of contention between himself and Sam, Known Dog Lover. It's also why i'm team 'fuck that dog' from the finale. Although, it could be cathartic for him to have an esa/therapy animal be a dog, to rebuild trust.

Castiel 14) Ingrained habits/forces of habit: this one is SO fun for him bc there's so many possibilities with him being an angel. I think this manifests a lot as physical ticks/quirks from being an angel in a human vessel. I think a 'force of habit' of his is literally breathing. He really only needs to breathe in order to talk, but I think in early seasons he catches himself doing it all the time, as a leftover instinct from his human vessel. Later, he catches himself mirroring Dean's, Sam's and other people's breathing as he starts growing closer to humanity, before eventually just adopting breathing all the time. I think it also takes him a long time when he's human to get used to moving at a human speed. If he realizes he needs to go somewhere, his first thought is to fly, and he often has this moment of "why am I not there yet?" before realizing he needs to physically move his human body 🙄🙄🙄 I also think it would be really fun if, especially after first obtaining a vessel, he often speaks quietly because he is used to overwhelming humans with his True Voice. 15) What it takes to make them cry: 🤔🤔🤔 I think Cas is like, a medium-frequency crier (order of most to least likely to cry imo is Dean, Cas, Sam). I think he IS a happy crier and that's what most often causes him to cry; being overwhelmed by positive emotions (i.e. love for his family). I don't think he's normally an angry crier but I do think that when Jack died he should have 1) gone completely silent and stone faced 2) leveled like an entire forest in grief-induced rage and 3) broken down in full on heaving sobs in the middle of all the destruction. 18)Things they’ll never admit: OUGH THIS ONE IS SO JUICY FOR HIM. SO SO JUICY. This one stumped me a bit at first because Cas is a very honest person who normally speaks his mind. He's also pretty self aware. BUT the thing that Cas will never admit is that he kind of revels in being The Universe's Greatest Fool. Like, he's the Angel that Fell in Every Way Imaginable!! He betrayed all his kin and fucked up The Father's Great Narrative, all because he fell in love with a stupid human!! A Bug, Even!!! A BUG WHO DOESN'T LOVE HIM BACK (he does, but, well, see above). And he does it, over and over and over again. He always chooses humanity; he always chooses Dean. The thing is, there's a part of him that feels really comfortable in that idea of ceaseless devotion without acknowledgement; without reciprocity. Of course, it's familiar, but on top of that, I think there's a part of him that still houses guilt for going against his programming. We know he was lobotomized countless times; certainly there's residual feelings about straying from his designed path? And I think it's easier, in a way, to wallow in this self-pity, then to actually attempt to vocalize his wants and ask for what he needs. So, essentially, he fell and he feels like he needs to be punished, and the best possible punishment is for his one true desire to be something he can never obtain, because he doesn't deserve to have what he wants. Anything else feels foreign.

[cadaveerie]

today on my personal updates... (Entry #1 - 09 Sep. 24)

i decided to do this new thing on tumblr that might serve as some sort of journal! i'm used to saying whatever crosses my mind at the moment over twitter, but i think it's interesting to adopt this sort of new format that's more typical of blogs and personal websites, now that i'm a little more active over here :) we'll see if i grow tired of it or not! so far i'm not sure how often i'll update it. weekly? every other week? maybe. we'll see :) you can blacklist "my journal" if it bothers you.

anyway... i finally got a bank account! i'd been postponing this for years cause it made me anxious, as stupid as that might sound. who would have thought, once i did the damn thing i realized there was nothing to be nervous about, lol.

to celebrate i got divinity: original sin 2! more than to celebrate it was bc it's on sale, lol, but anyway. i haven't played the other (first game), but apparently you don't need to in order to play this one. and it's larian. it seems it's kind of similar to bg3 so... if it's half as decent i'm willing to give it a chance!

ever since i first saw this guy i've been like "i need to play this game one day". but at the end what made me decide to actually get it is that the game seems genuinely good, so :) we'll see! i'm excited

i also like the skelly guy.. he seems interesting evil and right up my alley, we'll see about him :)

and the rest of companions seem interesting as well. i'm looking forward to get to know them :^)

anyway... spending money makes me anxious :/ i hope i like it as to not feel guilty about it.

i'm also unsure if i want to play the thing now or if i should wait for after datv... i told myself i would not start any new game until datv came out, because i don't want to be burn out in the middle of datv (sometimes if i play to too many long games in a row i grow tired of it). i'm still unsure... maybe i'll download it and take a look? idk.

i also have a trip approaching soon and im very anxious. aside from the fact that my mood seems a little unpredictable and that when it's bad, it's baaad, i'm unsure if i'll physically be able to keep up, because lately my lower back/hip hurts sooo much whenever i stand for a while, and also when i sit and i don't have back support, so im very concerned.. sigh. i guess we'll see. i wish my body was healthier, and i could probably fix it, but my mental health doesn't seem to allow it. i'm so tired of everything.

anyway that's all for know i think.

currently...

listening to: Year Zero by Ghost

playing: -

reading: -

watching: -

waiting for: DRAGON AGE: THE VEILGUARD! (51 days to go!)

mood: depressed, anxious. and annoyed at fandom discourse :/