#(bc fear is a thing people talk about a lot so i'm always aware of the difference in my experience)

[echthr0s]

I'm always thinkin about why my experience of fear* seems to be like... not common? like I'm never just. randomly afraid of something. there's always a very specific throughline. like for a while I was intensely afraid of death and what a coincidence that that was around the time that I would have like. entirely awakened as Myself, the walk-in whose previous death(s) were of some relevance (to say nothing of the fact that I think fear is a particularly potent place to start when looking to develop love. it's an alchemical process. I'm not saying that this is a common thing to experience. but I am saying that is exactly what *I* experienced and understanding that this happened this way for this reason is of some importance to me)

I can recognise that a thing is dangerous or whatever but that doesn't mean I, personally, will have the bodily feeling of fear to go along with it. this is the same thing with horror movies, I can't be afraid of something happening in a movie. I get why people are! that's literally three-quarters of the point of horror movies in the first place. tapping into that feeling of fear. it's neat how that works! but I guess that's just not the kind of wiring I got installed

conversely, I could probably try to describe to you something that has made me feel fear, but it would make no sense to you. bc it's like triggers in that way -- very specific to my experience and also very dependent on context. idk

--

*I'm specifically talking about like... more abstract feelings of fear here. not the kind you would experience if literally confronted with a scary thing. like if a grizzly bear materialised in front of me I'm fucking shitting myself like any other person who doesn't want to be eaten by a goddamn bear. but if you asked me if I'm scared of bears and there's no immediate threat of a bear eating my face off, no, I'm not scared of bears. the concept of a bear is just that. a concept

[jerreeeeeee]

i don't think taako's voice is really all that high most of the time. it's higher than justin's normal voice a little, but idk, the defining quality of it isn't its pitch to me, there's something else that i don't really have the words for. but anyway i do notice that his voice gets lower and less exaggerated when he's being serious. which is interesting bc it sort of implies that the usual "taako voice" is something he puts on.

i don't really think of taako as a habitual performer. his charisma modifier is a -1, he's not this ultra smooth charming actor, and although he does tend to hide behind humor and is slow to build connections, he's also very frank with what he's about and what he wants. he goes on an entire tirade about wanting to talk about his feelings (he's multidimensional!), he never acts embarrassed or hesitant about big moments of vulnerability and caring for others (arms outstretched, "i'm not going fucking anywhere," admitting a deep fear to kravitz on their first date, spilling his tragic backstory to angus, not to mention several serious moments with lup) (and not all of these can be chalked up to "forgotten connections," either. he does have a foundation of growth with magnus and merle, even forgotten, and his conversations with lup are of course all with memories intact, but he does not have that with kravitz and angus). he's just slow to reveal all of his hidden depths, because of (understandable) trust issues. but all in all he's not nearly as closed off as i think fandom tends to portray him (which is not to say he's open, either), nor is he someone who wears a lot of masks and obscures himself. i don't think he hides his "true self."

sizzle it up was successful because of his intelligence, not his charisma. he's a natural teacher who's knowledgeable and passionate, and that was what made the show great, not his personality or performance (though i don't think those were bad. just not the primary appeal of the show. the only fan we see is ren, and she loved sizzle it up because it inspired her and taught her to cook, not because she thought taako was awesome or whatever). bc that's the thing, he's not a performer, but he is extremely adaptable. so when he's set up with a stagecoach and a show lined up, sure, he'll have a TV persona, he'll learn to be charming, he'll learn to be showy, when he's on stage. when he gets famous, he learns to like being famous, but i don't think it was really a dream of his before then. or at least not in the way people think of it. i don't think he ever wanted to be a celebrity as much as a celebrity chef or celebrity wizard. he doesn't care if people think he's pretty. he doesn't want people to adore him (before the voidfish, anyway. afterwards is a different story. there's a void where love used to be that he's desperate to fill, and adoration almost feels like it works). really what he wants is for people to appreciate his skill and intelligence and depth (and he's also very afraid of actually displaying those things. he's multidimensional).

but most of the time, when he's not literally performing for an audience, i just don't think he's putting on a show, desperate for people to like him and think he's charming. he'll do what he needs to do, say what he needs to say, be who he needs to be in any given circumstance, with strangers and antagonists, but he also drops the act when it's not necessary. or at least his performance is subtler. he performs stupidity, he performs nonchalance, he makes efforts to be funny (because he is always funny, but that's something you have to work for and always be thinking about, even when the humor is dry), he carefully does just enough to be useful, but not enough to raise expectations. he's very aware of how other people view him, but he's also perfectly okay with people thinking negatively about him—as long as they're the negative traits he wants people to see. but, he only does all those things in the beginning of the show; after a little while with magnus and merle, after a little while with the bob, he drops the act. so i guess that's the difference to me. he's adaptable out of necessity, it doesn't bleed into his entire life. i don't even really think i'd qualify it as a performance. it's more of an invisibility. he's not performing charisma to get people to like him, he's trying to lay low. but then when he actually wants people to like him, he's himself, fairly unapologetically. with the people who matter, lup, magnus and merle, kravitz, the other bob members, the other ipre crew, he's pretty comfortable with himself.

one last interesting point is that while he doesn’t seem to hesitate when it comes to actions, he does shy away from verbal displays of affection, trust, vulnerability. and the best two scenes to show that play out almost exactly the same: lup’s best day ever dinner, and dropping his disguise self with kravitz. in each, taako does something meaningful for both npcs, who then verbalize their affection for him, which taako immediately deflects with a joke.

taako drops his disguise spell for kravitz, totally honest with him, (although… i don’t tend to think the beauty sacrifice was as meaningful to taako as fandom tends to portray, i think most of his vanity is an exaggeration he intentionally cultivates, but still, it’s a vulnerable moment, he clearly cares what kravitz thinks), and kravitz tells him he loves him. to which taako replies with a joke. he does not return the words.

taako doesn’t hesitate to construct the best day ever for lup, never even questions why she’d ask. he puts it all together, cooks for her, shows her he knows her, he loves her—and then when she bears her heart to him, tells him he is her heart, all he says is, “i know,” and pulls out a bottle of vodka. of course lup knows he loves her, the whole day was an elaborate demonstration of it, but he doesn’t say anything. to be fair, it’s not exactly a typical interaction between them, taako is textually scared shitless, lup did just tell him she’s going to turn herself into an undead abomination, so he’s not exactly at his best here. but anyway.

i don’t really have anything to add to this observation, it’s just very consistent and interesting to me. taako is fairly comfortable with grand gestures, but sidesteps around words. which ties in perfectly with his identity as a chef, to me. cooking is an action, work, intention, cooking for people is an act of love, an act of connection, an act of caring, and taako’s character doesn’t fit the bill for that—except, he kinda really does.

[simplenefelibata]

i think a lot of you undermine sam and cas' friendship.

like, we know sam isn't dean. cas isn't pathetically in love with him and sam didn't change him and he isn't the reason cas cared about the whole world. but that doesn't mean he's unimportant.

at the beginning of the series cas sees sam as the abomination. nothing but lucifer's vessel. throughout the series, sam becomes an extension of dean. cas takes care of him because he's dean's little brother and doesn't really give a much of a thought how his actions could affect him.

on the other hand, i think sam didn't have a lot of friends growing up and it shows lol. he sees cas as an instrument, and then also as an extension of dean. he's important to dean so he's kinda important to him, but he doesn't really Get why dean worries sm about cas — isn't he an angel??? sam constantly says cas is gonna be okay because he "knows what he's doing", or he simply says "it's cas... " it feels like sam is painfully aware how powerful and different he is.

the thing is, slowly but surely, they start hanging out more. they collab for dean's benefit, and then the concern they feel for the other's safety starts being more genuine instead of just "Not letting anything happen because Dean wouldn't survive it". they find out they like each other, and they can work really well together investigating and hunting (i'd argue that even better than cas and dean). this comes to a point where cas teases sam with dean (ex: telling him about the amnesia in the 50's case bc he knows it's embarrassing) and sam texting cas just because.

season 15 is what seals it for me. when cas breaks up with dean (lol), sam is the one reaching out. texting. calling. cas doesn't pick up, but sam keeps doing it. again. and again. that wouldn't have happened in season 7, or season 9, and really not much reason to do it now. but still.

plus, when people talk about cas and his love for the winchesters, they include Both of them. yes, they make the distinction between dean and cas' relationship, but they do include sam. even cas said at one point "you know me, always happy to bleed for the winchesters".

so, what i'm trying to say is: cas and sam's friendship matters!!! they should've had more time screen!!! i bet they would have so many interesting conversations because they're friends!!!

if you say that in a post-canon world you don't think sam would try to get cas to talk about his feelings, or that cas wouldn't confide sam his fears and regrets and worries BEEP you're wrong.

[lhazaar]

hey. i'm turning my chair around and sitting in it backwards now because i want to speak specifically to people with ocd. this is a targeted post and is not meant to apply to the userbase of this website at large or to serve as a policy decision.

hi. do you know what scrupulosity means? it is a strong, intense, often painful concern about morality or religion. it's very common for religious people with ocd, actually—the fear that you've sinned, that you will sin, that your thoughts themselves are sinful. you're afraid of being an evil person. every thought and feeling you have is scrutinized to exhaustion in case it's proof that you're evil. this also happens for non-religious people with ocd, it's just that ours will look different; it's often a preoccupation with social justice issues. you care a lot about being a good person, right! most people do. you want to be a good person, you want to be kind to others and to dismantle oppressive systems where you can. i'm making some assumptions here, but they're based on my specific audience base.

so, there's this thing that happens online, especially on tumblr and twitter—not because bluh bluh platforms bad, but because of the ways in which information is propagated on here. people used to tag for these posts sporadically but don't do so as much anymore. you know posts that exhort you, the reader, specifically, to take action? they tell you not to look away, not to bury your head in the sand. they tell you to give and to agitate and to donate time, money, resources.

those posts used to make me intensely, deeply anxious. i don't mean mild agitation, i mean life-ruining, day-occupying panic that seizes your entire body, and thoughts that don't leave your brain. guilt that paralzyes you because you, personally, cannot go kill the politicians responsible. you don't have enough money to do more than donate a few dollars, and sometimes you don't even have that. but because of where you live, because of the fact that you have internet access and you're literate enough to read these posts, you know that you have a level of privilege that most people never will. you're aware of that privilege because you're reasonably in-tune with social justice movements and you've probably spent some time dissecting your own privilege to examine your biases. (that's not a bad thing; i'm not here to condemn that. stay with me, if you can.)

there's a thing that can happen if you've lived with ocd like this for a long time where you become kind of incapable of telling what's addressed to you personally and what isn't. everything feels like a personal exhortation. you have trouble saying no, or knowing when you're overextended, because other people have it worse. how dare you enjoy relative comfort when people are being bombed or drowning in a climate change -induced flood or being crushed to death in a crowd panic. how dare you not be aware of it at all times, always, constantly. how dare you look away. don't look away.

i want to tell you about something i went through, if that's okay. a lot of people who follow me will already know this, but i haven't talked about this aspect of it very much publicly. in 2020, while visiting my partner in southern oregon, we had to evacuate from wildfires twice in under 24 hours. that was a really, really bad fire season, caused and perpetuated by a combination of global climate change and colonialization practices that destroyed traditional indigenous fire management strategies across the west coast of north america. fires stretched from bc to california. we wound up fleeing south, and then had to flee back north again, hemmed in on three sides. i flew back home to bc shortly afterwards, and i have this vivid, awful memory of seeing my home mountain range, the cascades, choked out with smoke from the window of an airplane. the woman in front of me sobbed the entire time until we touched down.

i remember thinking at that time that it was insane the entire world wasn't stopping. what i was experiencing was apocalyptic in scale—the fire we ran from the first time was part of a complex that chewed up entire towns. it wasn't the first fire season, nor the worst for the continent, nor the world. but all i could think in the moment was why aren't we doing anything, this is going to be all of us in a decade, why are people looking away.

if i had gone online and posted that, it would not have been morally wrong of me. there's no ascribing morality to a reaction like that. i mean, if i'd gone to someone who suffered in the years prior in australia or california and told them that ours was So Much Worse, that would have made me an asshole, but i didn't do that. i made some upset facebook posts targeted at the trump voters in my family, but i had no way to express at the time the sort of clawing panic of WHY AREN'T PEOPLE DOING ANYTHING??

the answer to that, which you probably know, is: what would they have done? we were sheltered by friends we evacuated with, but what power did a mutual in new york or wales or singapore have to affect a wildfire in oregon?

so, come back to the present day with me again, if you will. i said above that posts worded like this used to make me really, really anxious. in the span of time after the fire, i developed ptsd, and my ocd ruined my life. i took an extra year to graduate after i'd finished all my coursework because i could not send in the forms required. i was too busy spending 10-16 hours a day rearranging furniture in my room, or lying in bed, full-body tense, until it felt like my teeth would crack from the pressure. i'm medicated now. i'm grateful for it. i have more tolerance for these posts because i've been there. i know the op isn't doing anything wrong, because they're not wrong. why isn't the world stopping to look at a natural disaster, or a genocide? the world should not be like this.

you are not the world. you are someone with a brain that will torture you to death given the chance. you know how learning to reckon with your privileges, whatever they may be, requires you to not try and escape them? you need to be able to hold in your head that yes, you benefit from something that isn't fair; yes, other people should have that benefit, and that they don't is unjust. but you need to, for example, not try and weasel your way out of being white because you're uncomfortable with the guilt that it produces. you need to not go online and say well not ALL americans because you can't sit with the idea of being complicit in american imperialism. if you have ocd, you need to apply that to your own brain, too. you need to apply it to every post that you see. you need to know that people are not speaking directly to you, they are crying out in pain and fear. they are not doing anything wrong. they are scared and hurting.

they do not benefit from you taking on all the guilt of that fear and pain. i am not saying this to absolve you of the guilt. i am saying that you need to be able to exist with that level of guilt without allowing it to paralyze and destroy you. if you can't do that right now, i'm not here to cast judgement on you. blacklist phrases. i had "wildfire" blacklisted for a long time. i'm sure i missed aid posts because of it. the alternative was me being nonfunctional. for a long time, i had donation posts blacklisted across the board, because the way my ocd worked meant that i was neurologically incapable of knowing where my own limits were, and i would give money i did not have. if you need to do that, this is me giving you permission. doing this does not make you evil. it does not make you morally bankrupt. it makes you someone whose brain is trying to fucking kill them, and the world needs you to not let that happen.

this is not a post about how you're exempt from caring about the world if you're mentally ill, it's about how you cannot apply that care to anything useful if you're having massive panic spirals every other day about the guilt that you feel. your guilt should not rule your life. if it does, i say this kindly, but you very likely need medication. i'm sorry if you don't have access to that right now. you cannot think your way out of ocd. you cannot think your way into stopping neural activity. you cannot guilt your way into being a good person; you have to be able to exist with the guilt and not let it rule you in order to do that. nobody benefits from your brain trying to martyr you in the name of solving the world's suffering.

you need to be able to function, free of crushing and paralyzing guilt, before you can help anyone. you are not an effective ally like this just because your brain tells you that it's necessary.

[velvetvexations]

Ppl act like gender essentialism (the man/beard brand) is necessary to keep women safe but even that scenario could actually make them less safe bc it downplays the danger of bears, which I think also illustrates the issue I have with true crime. When you're taught as a woman that there are certain dangers that are the worst (be it men or serial killers or rape as the very worst thing that could possibly happen to you), you might underestimate dangers that appear less obvious to you like wild animals, unpreparedness, inappropriate equipment, lack of spatial awareness, going alone when you're inexperienced, heat exhaustion bc, dangers from other animals or bugs bugs (where I'm from in Europe we need to get vaccinated against tick-borne encephalitis, my father didn't, got it & almost died).

I'm from a culture that's big on hiking & hiked a lot pre-transition, mostly with a cis male best friend, and I never had a bad experience with other ppl (except maybe when someone didn't say hello, very impolite) but we did get lost pretty badly once on a new trail with no phone signal & that was scary. I was always safer in the woods with men around bc if there are ppl, you know you're on the right path & won't get lost! Also it you get injured & can't walk or god forbid lose consciousness, you want other ppl there to help you. I also worked at a homeless shelter (pre-transition as well, they all knew me as a short, not at all threatening looking woman) and that taught me to shake off the fear I had of homeless people, men especially, because they too are just ppl & it was bigoted of me to have my gut instinct tell me I was in danger when I saw a homeeles man just existing or behaving erratically in public. It was classist, ableist & was not in fact justified just bc I was navigating the world as a woman.

Yes, keep yourself safe, but actually learn to recognize potential dangers & how to handle dangerous situations, don't just rely on your gut instinct.

I also think we can absolutely teach ppl how to keep themselves safe around other folks without resorting to gender essentialism & sex profiling simply by focusing on behaviors instead of gender presentation.

This would serve to protect trans & queer ppl with a masc appearance/presentation including non cispassing trans fems/women, trans mascs/men, non-binary & multigender ppl, intersex folks, even cis gay men, who are also at a higher risk of being assaulted than cis straight men and yes, even straight men, who are also capable of being victimized. Because nobody is truly safe from violence & abuse, we all need to know how about dangers & be able to get protection from others in our communities!

That reminds me of what I've been talking about recently where someone blamed a fixation on punitive justice on people being tricked into it by white supremacist background radiation in Western culture when it's actually just an apolitical fault of the way human brains are wired that goes back to the earliest human civilizations. And like, granted, this is the third time I'm bringing that post specifically up so maybe I'm overexaggerating the issue because I don't follow that kinna discourse closely, but especially in conjunction with transandrophobia discourse I feel like there's this trap of viewing the things you face as cosmic forces rather than mere sociology, you know?

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi Cas ! how are you ?

I'm struggling in the romance department right now lmao so I thought you might have some advice :(

Basically there is this girl I really REALLY like. We met through a friend three years ago, but in person only a year ago. Seeing her in person literally changed me I never liked someone this much like I was BEWITCHED or something. We only spent two days together and we only had one kiss, but I never managed to get her out of my head.

I never saw her again because she left to study abroad for a year. Now she's back in my country but we live a bit far away so I haven't seen her. When she was abroad we kept talking and flirting etc. But at one point she told me she had met somebody and that she wanted to try with him. It ended up not working and she reached out to me after some time, so we began talking (and flirting) again.

The thing is, for a few weeks now I feel like she isn't exactly flirting with me anymore. Except she kinda is. She is a writer and she has a writing instagram account where she posted poems that are clearly romantic but also clearly not about me. At least I really don't think so. It feels like a knife in the heart everytime. To be noted that usually if not always she does write about personal things that are really happening. So I'm pretty sure there is someone else in her mind. Which is fine because we didn't promise each other anything. But she is still replying to my stories etc and saying things that could pass as friendly but only if we didn't have history you know ? Like she's making lesbian jokes (i'm also a girl).

So the mixed signals are killing me. I also don't understand bc she said something about the guy before, but she didn't say anything this time. I feel like maybe she .... keeps her options open. (which is fine btw, I'm just unsure if she's still into me or not) I can't exactly ask her because we don't talk a lot (I'm so bad at keeping in touch if I have nothing specific to say yk?) and I don't want to come off as intrusive.

I would really like to see her in person so maybe we could talk and/or I could understand better where her heart is at. But being so unsure I don't want to propose a date or something bc I feel like it would be really out of the blue right now, and one of us would have to take the train and sleep at the other's place, so it feels like a lot and something she could refuse easily so I really don't feel comfortable doing that. I want it to be clear that I'm still into her bc I don't know if she is aware of it (it's obvious imo but I know she has confidence issues and at one point she thought I didn't care) but I also don't want to come off too strong and scare her away, and/or get rejected (not sure my heart could take it right now😭)

So I'm thinking maybe an outing with friends (we have several in common now) but again it is complicated bc everyone lives far away. Also she doesn't talk to one of them anymore, and that friend coul take it very badly if she's not invited so that would be a whole other mess (but honestly that friend is annoying and quite toxic and has a lot of issues so... I'm trying not to think too much of that)

Anyway I'm really lost, I really don't to give up on her, like it hurts a lot to think about, but also I feel like maybe she isn't as invested as I am. I would 100% take a train to the other side of the country to see her but I fear she isn't even thinking about that. Maybe I'm paranoid though. Also I think it's not so bad if someone isn't completely in it from the beginning, like some people are more guarded and careful than me and it's okay.

I don't know if you'll be able to help me, but I'd really like to hear your opinion on this. Thanks a lot <3

Hi!!! <3

What you said at the end is exactly what I was thinking though- maybe she's just guarded or nervous? I think you should try to give little hints or like...idk suggest meeting somewhere maybe? See how she reacts? Maybe she's just as nervous, if not more nervous than you. If she's iffy about it, it'll make it clear to you that she just wants to be friends. But if she jumps at the chance, then that's your sign. And even if you can't meet in person, maybe try being a bit more forward? I know it's scary but like...you have to know! You don't have to all-out ask her out, just be a bit more flirty and see if she reciprocates. You said you've kissed in the past so in my opinion, that means there's hope, you know?

Good luck! Naming you train anon.

[fr-wiwiw]

I miss talking about Gahan. so imma just ramble here instead.

i've been thinking again about who would say I love you first between them. The first time I know Gahan, it's an automatic to think "oh this lovely bratty twink would be the one to say those 3 words first". But then the more i dive into their characters, it would make more sense if Yohan is the one to say those words first.

Here's why, according to me, also warning this is gonna be long:

Yohan never heard those words spoken genuinely to or for him. Perhaps the ones who say it to him would be Isaac (of course), his wife (Cecilia is her canon name for me 😂), and little Elijah. What child wouldn't say I love you or I like you to their favorite person. While on the other hand, Yohan has the most experience in tragic relationships (romantic or platonic or with himself) in regards to feelings. That's why he's the sociopath we all know and love and thirst for. That's why he has a stark and clear difference between genuine ILY or not. He will rarely or perhaps never say those words to anyone unworthy of his true feelings. Elijah will of course have the VIP pass despite their relationship straying away bcs of the things Yohan does to protect his child (yes, Elijah is pretty much his niece & child, you can't take that away from me). His act of service for Elijah speaks greatly how much he loves her, he literally has done and will do everything in his power to protect her or his loved ones (that includes ridiculously pretty and hot headed Bambi that almost stabbed him with tears in those doe eyes).

Now, Gaon I'm sure grew up in a very loving family. He had healthy relationships with his friends and family too I'm sure, before fate decides to take his family and his sanity away from his life. Thankfully he has Soohyun, —no matter how much hatred we have for her, let's be real Gaon survived his days bcs of her too— both he and Yohan are big empathetic too hence why they do what they do albeit unhealthy & reckless most of the times. Remember Gaon also has a lot of fear to control him, the opposite of Yohan who reigns his fear wonderfully that's why people believe in him to do great things, and he does! He's unbeatable and always comes back on top if he's defeated. There's a reason Gaon turns to him too to do dirty things despite his disliking towards this particular decision of Yohan. There's a reason why Yohan is a beacon of light burn so bright and blinding whilst Gaon is the gentle light of hope. But again, Gaon is controlled by fear. He might and possibly fall in love first unknowingly towards Yohan once he does realize it, his first instinct is to hide it ESPECIALLY from Yohan. Why? His empathy is working towards guilt and fear. Now I won't dive into the guilt, it would be hard admittedly, bcs the guilt and fear is woven tightly together, but Gaon knows and is able to connect the dots Yohan doesn't have healthy & great childhood experiences. We know Gaon is great with strays, strays love him, they gravitate close to him. You know why else something or some people might gravitate towards an individual? They either resonate the same bad energy or they resonate positive energy. And what is Gaon? A broken stray with a warm heart. He's in-between. That's why he's confused. That's why Soohyun protects him, so protectively it becomes suffocating in a different way than Yohan's. How many people have approached him with good intentions, wanting to protect him but also ruin him at the same time? He doesn't know this. But he is besties with fear. The traumas he went through is not something a soft hearted person can overcome in a short amount of time. Yohan is built different, as we are all aware. The areas that makes Gaon weak and tumbles are the areas where Yohan will thrive and become much stronger.

So does the opposite thing. If softness and vulnerability makes Gaon strong, it will be Yohan's downfall. The proof is crystal clear the moment he realizes Gaon is his liability the first few episodes.

To me, all this is because they're not familiar with the unfamiliar emotions. Yohan with vulnerability and Gaon with reality. But both roots in the same topic, pain.

I'm sure Yohan has his fair share of vulnerable moments he's aware of but I think he never really has time to sit to mull over and accept it within safe space or reasonable time, he's always racing against time, therefore very little window of chance for him to actually be friends with his vulnerability. It's more like something he needs to protect behind his back while not noticing the innerchild he protects is bleeding behind him. The intention is good but it's not the best way.

Gaon on the other hand. His people pleasing trait is what drives him forward yet at the same time, he forgot that giving yourself too much to people will only hurt him just as much. The amount you give yourself to others is how much pain you will get. He recoils everytime this happens, giving mixed signals to people involved. His father figure (i forgot the bastard's name) experienced this. Gaon is supposed to be an enemy to Yohan but then when he's given the reality he thinks is the truth, he turns his back to the professor and into the sugar daddy's lap willingly (with manipulation involved from Yohan ngl who am I joking).

Now I just remember the professor's name, Min Jungho, you bastard of a skinny leech, kudos to the actor to make me feel angry.

Anyway— See Gaon is familiar with bad things that come with truth in reality. He's skeptical of his own reality while sprinkles positive truths to other's reality. He's so positive about Yohan, the Kang-abyss-Yohan. He even stood up for Yohan, quite literally, when Soohyun and Min Jungho said bad (facts) things about our resident devilish handsome gremlin. Even he defended Yohan when Elijah is so negative to her uncle (dad). There's few times I'm aware where Gaon is positive about his life, his future, that also is accompanied with anxiety in his part. The moment he does embrace what he think as positive, such as kissing Soohyun (sigh), she died.. in his arms no less.

This is why, it makes sense to me if Gaon locks his confession and swallows it down. Even tho his actions speak much, much louder. To me, Yohan would have the biggest probability to confess his feelings first (should the time & conditions align) and if his ego doesn't get in the way. It would help Gaon to open up, albeit with denial at first and Yohan would still be patient with this clumsy Bambi.

This, admittedly is the simple version, imo, of their miscommunication and suppressed feelings. I will tell you, these things I just wrote don't involve much of any variant of things that can make them go sideways or upside down. Such as, if they're faced with a certain problem, will my analysis stay true? What if they're in an alternate universe? Surely somethings will change and certain things will stay, but what? What if Gaon decides to be brave (or stupid and never learn) and confess anyway? What if, it will always lead to "disaster" the moment he's brave enough to take action? Or what if he decides to be brave, in means to throw his feeling away and not look back anymore yet Yohan reciprocates? Will he still be in denial or would he embrace it gladly albeit with fear when the other shoe is gonna drop? When will Yohan die? "Yohan is going to die the moment I confess, idk when, but I want to have a chance with him no matter how little time we have. I don't care anymore". Would he thought of that?

There's a lot of probability that can happen if I take out my feelings from these characters we all love dearly. Hence why we have fanfiction at our disposal for writers, artists, creators, readers, to enjoy whichever alternate or canon we can consume to satisfy our hunger. We need more domestic shit and porn of them if I may be bold— ahem. I am an artist who can draw these but I'm also an enjoyer, feed me pls I beg you. Give me more fuel, I'm greedy for them 🥲 The joy and pain being in a small community hahahah I love it all the same. I love all your edits, your analysis, the gifs, the fanfics, the drabbles, the delulu posts, everything!

I think this is one of the reasons why @amethystina story, Who Holds The Devil, is such a delicious treat for me. In some parts, most parts so far, her portrayals of Gahan's characteristics are similar to what I have in mind. And it's wonderful to see the different perspectives too from her take on their characters, it gives me more insight and more "out of my mind plot". I'm glad either way.

I have a few fanfic wips stored in my phone, 1 of them has this specific scenario where Yohan would be the one who's gonna confess first. And of course I'm making them explore their sexual experiences like a teenager and a deranged man. The perks of me never experienced any of those sexual things myself is that I can fantasize all I want and not get disappointed (yet, hopefully not) by reality lmao. TMI, my apologies.

Will these fics ever go into the light? I hope so, I just haven't invested my time into writing again as I've been investing them into my main hobby & job as an artist. I hope I can go back writing again when I'm able to set separate time for it. I want to share you some hot sexy and angsty love with this GaHan ship. There's always gonna be smut and giggling delivered by me to your screen if not tears and heartbreak like my previous Gahan break up fic ehe.

But anyway, I will stop my rambles here as I have to go back into my art commission. I need to proceed with the sketch revision before I dive into playing Monster Hunter World again

As always, thankyou if the lot of you are reading all this. If not have a great day anyways! 💖

[watermelinoe]

don't say that i want to read your isekai opinions

i feel like i am being buttered up here but i will allow it bc i do love talking abt isekai hehe ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

so for context what made me think more abt isekai as a genre was finishing the main story chapters of saving my sweetheart, which i think is really strong for the first two thirds and then loses it in the last third for reasons i will explain shortly

and i've had this issue w other isekai/regression manhwa (i pr much lump these together under the isekai umbrella even though it is not technically the same thing) where things are just too easy, one that comes to mind off the top of my head is i shall master this family, which has great art and i like that it's less focused on romance but i ended up getting bored bc the protagonist just. never loses. she can always use her past life experience to perfectly predict what will happen and completely curbstomp whoever her opponent is.

"but isn't that the appeal of an isekai??" you may ask and you would be INCORRECT, yes the wish fulfillment element of isekai is about getting a do-over, but more than that my favorite thing abt the genre is how it plays with expectations and the idea of fate/any kind of higher power that decides how things are "supposed" to be. and oftentimes this force is an active character and antagonist. i've seen several manhwa now where the characters essentially have to beat "god" in order to get their happy ending. there are no predestined endings and true love is the love you make with the person you choose, not someone who is chosen for you. soulmates are made, not created. these are all themes that are extremely important to me and why i think isekai as a genre works so well. i'm someone who LOVES tropes - as tv tropes always says, Tropes Aren't Bad. isekai plays with tropes like i used to play with my dinosaur toys. it's supposed to be self-aware, it's supposed to subvert expectations, it's supposed to be fun and genre savvy and meta. it's really a treat for people who care a lot about the mechanics of storytelling.

the working isekai formula relies on establishing the wish being fulfilled - why is this person being reincarnated? and the answer to that question generally determines how the story first plays out, which is typically one of two ways, where the female lead either has to claw her way up through obstacle after obstacle, or the female lead is immediately welcomed and loved in her new life (but often there is still some underlying conflict that keeps her from being at ease and embracing Happily Ever After, such as her knowledge of what's "destined" to happen in the future). the latter is more of a hurt/comfort trope usually following a depressing first life. in either case, at the beginning the female lead can rely on her insider knowledge to score some wins early on, but the essential key is that there comes a point where her past knowledge means nothing anymore because the story has changed too much. and usually there will be an additional twist as well. this is to keep things from being too easy for the female lead, because even in a revenge story, it's not actually satisfying to watch someone win over and over with no meaningful conflicts. the archvillain's daughter-in-law also has a female lead who seemingly never misses, but the difference is that she thinks her father-in-law is planning to kill her so his son can remarry the royal princess (divorce is illegal), and honestly at this point in the story without spoiling anything that still seems like a reasonable fear. so the story isn't boring because you have this conflict of interests, she's attached to her new family but also knows she needs to be dead for her father-in-law to accomplish his overall goal. i shall master this family doesn't seem to have that extra layer, everything just goes her way.

saving my sweetheart does a great job with challenging the female lead for the first ~90 or so chapters and then in the last third, i swear literally every single obstacle is squashed before you can even start to worry about it. including the main looming death flag introduced at the very beginning of the story. it just no longer matters at a certain point. and obviously as readers we know that these types of stories will work out in the end, but for some reason this story decided that the characters should know that, too. in the third act. they literally solve things by showing multiple characters the future. sorry but if the main characters already know it's going to be okay... why am i here exactly lol it was like the story said yeah yeah you know what it's gonna be like huh??? what a baffling choice

and it's dangerously easy for stories that use gods as major players to eliminate any real challenge for the main characters because they literally have the power of god and anime on their side. there has to be some excuse why whatever divine power can't just stomp the bad guys with a giant foot monty python style. it's also just.... less satisfying for a story to have the Ultimate Objective Good on the side of the main characters. Good is often Boring. i liked how flirting with the villain's dad portrayed its god as more human and flawed, like a greek god.

what really left a bad taste in my mouth by the end of saving my sweetheart was that fate was never against them in the first place, it was the villain who upset the balance, and the two Good gods just give the main characters the answers because fuck it, you all know how it's gonna turn out anyway, who are we kidding. there's an especially laughable moment at the end and this will be a spoiler, but when a major character has to go to the land of the dead at the end to persuade another character to come back to life, this character worries bc in the happy future he originally saw, he wasn't in it. and for a split second you think there's going to be a nice message because the major character says smth like "i can't guarantee the future but i know we would be less happy without you in it" BUT THEN the goddess literally just fucking SHOWS the dead guy the future with him in it to prove it will all be fine and i am still not over it because WHAT WAS THE POINT THEN, what was the point of any of it, no one had to be uncertain for a single fuckin second because yknow power of god and anime

and i feel like an insane person bc everyone else was just like "this felt kinda rushed" but i had this whole rant built up inside me lmao i am aware i'm too into this genre but i think there's interesting parallels you can make here to like, christian media and why it's boring...

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

So I was wondering if you could do like a Joel miller fanfic where reader ends up like el and is infected but not? And the reason this happened is bc Joel and reader were dating post outbreak but like during the outbreak Joel thought it be better if reader went with Tommy and all that jazz but how Joel and Eli find out is reader asks el how long she been infected and she says how ever long and reader kinda grins and say something along the lines of ‘damn a few months? Lucky try being infected for 2 years’

I as always switched thingies around but hey it's still along the lines. 😌🤍

You had been watching the newcomers for some time. It was natural that the town was slightly uneasy, especially since it had been quite a while since anyone new had arrived in Jackson. Naturally, people were scared of infection spreading or some unnecessary fighting breaking out. New people also meant that dynamics in work groups would have to change. And most weren't too eager to welcome new people for that reason alone.

Yet staying away got harder once you noticed how the kids had practicality isolated Ellie from their afternoon activities. She would always sit on her own, playing with her fingers, waiting for the man who she came here with to come by so she could run off. "You fancy a sandwich", the girl quickly turned your way, shaking her head. "I think you should eat it, I didn't see you eating anything today", you tried to encourage her by unwrapping the paper rapper from around the sandwich. "It's okay, dad made me breakfast", so dad, you thought to yourself, "Still think you should eat this. I'm known for making the best sandwiches here". A slight smile tugged on her lips as she took the sandwich away from your hands, thanking you quickly.

You two started to form a bond in the following weeks. You made sure that she was more involved with other kids, always standing by so she wouldn't feel all alone and Ellie had started to warm up to you to the point where even after all the kids have gone home, she would linger by your side as you two talked. She was a talkative kid and gosh did she have an option about everything. But you loved that about her, that still not crushed hope about the world.

You also met Joel. He had come looking for her when she hadn't returned home on time and found you two sitting by the strawberry patch laughing. Joel stopped in his track instantly. Sure, he had seen Ellie smiling, and had heard her laugh but this seemed a lot more wholehearted. He always feared that one thing he couldn't give Ellie was a mother figure. Yes, he could be the protector, he could keep her safe, teach her a thing or two, love her the best that he could but... Every girl needed a mother.

"Joel, come by, the strawberries are so ripe", Ellie shouted at him, waving her hand happily. The moment he found you smiling at him, Joel could swear his heart nearly burst. He didn't remember the last time someone looked at him like that. So he inched closer, looking over Ellie quickly, making sure she wasn't harmed in no way before he sat down beside her. "Joel Miller", the male held out a hand to you. You let out a light laugh, "Oh, I'm aware, heard quite a lot about you", Joe instantly turned to Ellie who was happily smirking. No, he didn't want to know what that little monster had told you. "Y/N Y/L/N, happy to finally properly meet you", you shook his hand, before encouraging him to eat.

So now Joel made sure to always stop by to pick Ellie up. While it truly was just an excuse to see you. Soon most of your evenings were spent at their place as you taught them some easy recipes to cook. Because all the two of them knew was how to warm up canned food and with all the fresh produce it was a shame to only eat canned ravioli.

"So... are you two coming to the gathering tomorrow?", you three sat around the table eating. Jackson always had these town gatherings. Lots of baked goods, warm drinks, music, lights, and dancing. A way to keep humanity going in a way. But also a chance to form stronger bonds, and ensure that everyone was well and taken care of. "Joel hates things like that", Ellie said bluntly, earning a light kick from Joel from under the table. "Not true, we were coming", he said firmly, "Didn't you just yesterday...", "Eat the vegetables, kid", Joel said firmly, "Are you coming?". You nodded your head, "Responsible for one of the stands actually. Need to build it still, but my hammering skills...", you trailed off, laughing slightly. "I can do it for you, tell me what you need. I'll build it", Joel insisted. Ellie looked up at him curiously, the eager side of him when it came to you making her rather suspicious. And well making it obvious that the old man liked you. "Oh I wouldn't want to bother...", "Nonsense, I would be happy to help and Ellie can also help, right?", Joel shot the girl beside him a look and she quickly turned to you nodding, "Just not promising that I won't eat most of it". You let out a laugh that the two of them joined instantly. The warm feeling builds up in your chest.

Joel was at your door early in the morning the next day, starting on building the stand while you and Ellie twirled around the kitchen. It was the closest Ellie and Joel had been to normality since the outbreak. The closest they had felt to home. And watching you gently kissing the side of Ellie's head while she poured flour into the bowl, making Joel's heart beat just a little bit faster. A happy smile spread on his face.

And the day truly had been so much fun. Joel wasn't in the front lines of it all, choosing to stand more to the side as he watched over the two of you. Handing out slices of pies and smiling at people walking by. All so calm and wholesome until Ellie reaches up for the upper box that held the rest of the baked goods you two made. Her sleeve moved down her arm, revealing the bite mark on her skin.

A shriek echoed through the square. People instantly started to back away. Fingers pointed at Ellie, "Infected", someone shouted. Some of the guards rushed over with the guns. You moved closer to Ellie, pushing her behind you, and her trembling hands reached out to hold onto you. "Move to the side, Y/N, we need to shoot her", Ben the morning guard said coldly, motioning with his gun for you to stand to the side. You saw Joel walking closer to you two, a gun in his own hands, aimed at the grounds. "Lower the guns, all of you", you said firmly, glancing between the males, "Lower them before someone gets hurt".

You felt Ellie pressing her head against your back, you didn't even have to look at her to know that she was probably crying. "Think about it, they have been here for months. The site is healed. If she was to turn she would have already", you said calmly. The last thing you needed was for the mass panic to break out. You caught Tommy's eyes, the knowing look there didn't seem to soothe you. In a way, it seemed more like a silent plea to not do it.

"I don't want to shoot you too, Y/N", Ben said. Joel instantly stepped closer to you, face drenched in rage. And you knew that if he truly wanted to, he could kill them all in the blink of an eye before they even placed their finger on the trigger. "She's not infected, Ben", "How would you know that? I haven't been working my ass off for some little infected shit to take it all away", he bit back, motioning to the other guys to surround you. "Pick your fucking words carefully or I'll blow out your brain", Joel barked at him. And the moment the two of them aimed their guns at one another you ripped your hand out of Ellie's grip, pulling the side of your shirt by your neck to the side. A couple of gasps came from around you, "Cause I've had this for over two years, Ben, and as you can see I haven't eaten your brain. Even if now it sounds fucking delightful now".

You turned around, taking a hold of Ellie's hand. Quickly wiping away the tears that had already dampened your cheeks from the awoken memories. You placed a hand on Joel's arm, quietly asking him to lower the gun and just come with you. You knew that if they were going to shoot you, they would have already. So you wrapped your hand around Joel's arm, tugging lightly. Before Joel finally budged. Continuously looking over his shoulder as you three headed back home.

The moment the door was closed behind you. Joel kneeled in front of Ellie looking her over just how he always did, before bringing her closer to his chest. You stood there staring ahead of yourself. You never imagined that you would be in a position like this. Never imagined that you would have to let more people in on the secret and now most of Jackson knew.

You felt a gentle hand being placed on your shoulder. You shook slightly but once you met Joel's concerned eyes, you just stepped closer, wrapping your arms around his torso, letting him hold you just for a moment. Letting his warmth seep into your body. Ground you. Make you feel safe once again. "You're also immune?", Ellie's voice made you lift your head from Joel's chest as you nodded your head. "It happened while I was out on patrol with Tommy and Maria. I begged them to shoot me but they refused. They left me there alone and... I just...", you trailed off, Joel's hand ran up and down your back. Closing your eyes for a moment you tried to steady your breathing, "I never turned and then I found my way to Jackson after a month. They haven't told anyone what truly happened".

Ellie inched closer to you, wrapping her arms around your middle. You moved your hands to run through her hair, "They won't touch you, I promise", you spoke softly. "Your scar is cool though", she muttered and you couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Try hiding it for two years though. A nightmare", you admitted, leaning back into Joel's chest. His arms held onto your sides tenderly. As he places a loving kiss on the side of your head. Now well aware that he had you both to protect. No matter what it took. He was going to keep you both safe.

[zaenaris]

I spoke with someone (who is anime only) and they told me that Koko wouldn't probably have gotten as much obesssed by money if he saved Akane and that Inupi was the one to have need of operations or he or he would have sseing how much Akane was upset because of her little brother's state.

Personally i'm not agree. Koko and Inupi were probably friends for years because Akane acted very familiar with Koko, so she knew him for a while.

And i'm sure that losing Inupi would have had a most terrible impact on Koko, because his feelings for Akane were a puppy crush and when he would have grow up our of it he would be shallowed by guilt to have not even thought to Inupi, to not have had enough money to save him. The feelings to be empty, the feeling to have been a horrible friend, the feeling of shame, and the guilt to not have saved him....it would have destroyed him.

He recovered from not have been able to save Akane and has Inupi to be here and to patiently wait him to get over his obessession but surely he wouldn't have recovered to have lost Inupi because nobody would have been here for him.

Maybe Akane would have tried to help but maybe Koko would have distanced himself from her because she looks too much like Inupi.

I agree with you @naehja

I understand that for anime-only people it may be difficult to understand immediately Koko and Inupi's backstory, there's a lot of new info, a lot of trauma and guilt involved, I understand it can be overwhelming and even readers had to re-read the whole story, analyzing the situation because, while I believe Wakui wanted Koko and Inupi story to be treated as a romantic one, (because the way he writes them and the tropes he uses for them, are strongly romantic-coded), I understand there are many levels of reading in their whole story and that

1)maybe Wakui wanted us to read it as romantic but decided to leave things a little ambiguous, just because, or

2)or what we saw in the manga is the best he could do, given the industry isn't the most queer-friendly around;

3)or he purposely decided to let readers free to have their own interpretation, romantic or not

but ultimately, if even now, when the story ended a year ago and we have plenty of confirmations regarding Koko andd Inupi's feelings for each other, manga readers still insists that Koko was an insensitive asshole that used Inupi "because he looks like his sister", then I fear we have a problem.

But this person you talked with is an anime-only, they still don't know how their last meeting before Bonten arc goes, etc etc, so I can understand if they are confused.

The problem is that many times people forget that, trauma or not, kissing your male friend when you're a boy yourself and you're perfectly aware of you you are kissing and what you are doing, isn't a very super-straight thing to do, especially when the writer made Akane (that in-universe represents both Koko's guilt and conscience) said to Koko "kiss only the person you like".

I understand many people (*cough*homophobic dudebros, generally*cough) prefer to see boy killing and do the worse thing to each other, but boys liking boys do indeed exist.

As us kokonui shippers always said, and as it was recently confirmed once again in the exhibition by Wakui in the extra chapter, Koko's crush on Akane was just that, an innocent crush that naturally faded; it became a major trauma only because Akane died an Koko felt guilty he couldn't protect her: at that point it wasn't even bc he had a crush at that time, it was because he felt he failed her, a nice, gentle girl, a person he cared about and that didn't deserve that terrible fate.

We know that in the end, with time and Inupi's help, Koko gets over -or at least, start to understand he can live without- his trauma and choses to be with Inupi as he always wanted, but without guilt.

In the end, if Akane survived and Inupi died, there would have been no one as close as Inupi has always been to Koko to help him, as you said.

Akane probably only knew Koko as Seishu's friend, otherwise they'd had no reason to interact, and Koko would have felt even guiltier for not thinking immediately to his friend; of course he'd be happy Akane is safe, but he would hate himself even more for not saving Seishu. I fear he would have kept making money but this time there would have been no one around trying to make him reason and make him realize he could live a life without his guilt, because, as we said, I doubt Akane and Koko would have any reason to interact without Seishu and in time, as we saw, Koko's crush was meant to fade anyway.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates

[uniiiquehecrt]

Thor Odinson

tagged by : @beheworthy bc i would ALWAYS like 💖💖💖

Give me a fictional character and I will say:

Favorite thing about them: His big dumb hero's heart. His compassion. How much he loves his home, his people, his family, his beloved, his friends — how much he loves.

Least favorite thing about them: //stares pointedly at his inability to form meaningful connections because Thor is Not Allowed to be Not Okay (even when it's obvious and people he loves asks him to share his heart).

Three things I have in common with them:

I am, myself, an elder sibling!! And one whose younger brother was/is someone I am incredibly close to, care a great deal about — that entire drama is very close to home for me.

A passion bubble for friends and family that's, on occasion, close to the surface... but otherwise am chill 👍

and .... bunt out golden child syndrome vibes. Especially that vibe of "do it on your own and put on your leader face at all times, because all eyes are on you, good luck"

Three things I don’t have in common with them:

His ... overly reserved nature. I've been told I can be serious but I don't think I brood the way he does.

One day I will be nearly half as eloquent in my speech outside of writing 🙏

The way that Thor is able to just command a room???? Goals. Total goals. I'm either very good at directing conversations or shaky at it and I wish I had Thor's level of confidence.

Favorite line:

"i would rather be a good man than a great king."

OR ALTERNATIVELY.

"is that why everything's on fire~?"

BROTP: Brodinsons 100% . Then the entire warriors + sif squad dynamics! I'm forever sad we never got more of them all together. Then Heimdall, because Thor deserves positive mentor figures in his life. (and as far as the avengers proper go: Thor/Steve absolutely deserves more recognition they were the og duo as far as Age of Ultron is concerned and y'all , we've all been sleeping.)

OTP: Fosterson ! :D They're adorable star-crossed lovers, and he loves her very much. (and she feels the same for him !)

NOTP: if i see (1) more fan art of thorki in the thor tag i will scream. I guess also bruce/thor and valkyrie/thor exist ...??? I'm not really sure who Thor's exactly shipped with in the MCU besides Jane.

Random Headcanon: One time I considered the thought of little!Thor being exceptionally friendly with his kitchen staff servants, and because he's a strong little guy, he'd pick up giant barrels 3x his size and lug them around just because he wants to be helpful. And he'd do it with or without the prize of getting snuck goodies (though he would definitely prefer the goodies, were it up to him.)

Unpopular Opinion: I'm not sure if this counts as an unpopular opinion exactly, but I do always find it interesting that in the Frozen Vault Scene in Thor (2011), what the cinematography and editors show us that sets Thor off is seeing the dead einherjar...

And I'd actually say that this triggers his anger more than the interruption of his crowning ceremony.

So with that in mind, I'm not actually sure that (most of) his rage regarding the situation was about the coronation at all, in that case. At least, not in comparison to the fear he states (semi-subtextually) about being strong enough to maintain Asgard's borders were. ("They know you are vulnerable.")

He actually seems to only be upset about the coronation AFTER Odin makes it very clear he's decided to change his mind and rescind the crown from him entirely ... which only further fuels the point that Thor isn't ready. (aka: the one thing Thor is keenly aware of, scared of, and is scared the Frost Giants also know.) Which, you know, he's not at that point in time, but I don't see a lot of people talk about the details of that particular inciting incident all that much.

(honestly the ENTIRE text and subtext of the frozen vault scene absolutely FASCINATES ME so maybe I'll do a deep dive on it one day idk)

Song SONGS I associate with them: ... //looks at my 5-minutes-until-13 hr playlist uh...

Glowing, Boreas, and Rounds by The Oh Hellos

Plant Life, The Real World, and Bird with a Broken Wing by Owl City

No Sanctuary by UNSECRET (ft. Sam Tinnesz and Fleurie)

Afterglow and Places by Portrair

Paper and Ink (fosterson) and Everything Changes in Time (brodinsons) by Madds Buckley ... also Hoping on Another Life by Madds Buckley

Favorite picture of them:

//pulls out my entire dark world screenshots folder bc are you really going to make me choose, quirks, are you really going to make me choose

soft beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺 precious boy ... give me more of that poncho look tho thanks

Tagging: @darkwee009 for pinkie pie or for kirby ! :D whichever you'd like more, friend !!!

[colorlesschristmastree]

I was wondering who ran the justfeysand acc? it’s no longer active & i loved that account for us feyre girlies 😭 or queerincrisis too who i used to love. i’ll never forget when of the coolest people deactivated from fandom and their name was hotdiscodauce ..wherever you are hotdiscosauce feyre girls miss you. cant even blame people for saying “fuck this” lmao. i love feyre too much to crumble though so i suffer thru the toxicity of this fandom just to ride for my girl !!

the only thing that could make me inactive is if she doesn’t do shit in hofas while nesta’s mid self gets a pov while also being randomly paired with bryce when really that should be feyre. if the pregnancy ends up as a plot device to sideline her or the bargain i know ill be pissed and leave. especially if she has no cute scenes with bryce. just bc they aren’t that similar doesn’t mean i want to see bryce with nesta and bryce of all characters. and it better not just be rhys in the spotlight for hofas with amren sjm since only they know the language

Hiii! So sorry for responding late to this but I actually have the answers to your ails! Justfeysand was ran by my sweet sweet moot who has just become a little busy and less interested in SJM recently. Fear not though my dear anon for she is still here in the form of @moonfyre-s!! Aggressively defending our high lady Feyre and also giving us some darklina and miscellaneous content.

And the lovely aqueerincrisis is still here as well!! You can find them dishing out their hot takes on @acourtofcriticalthinking! Dw nonnie, our love for Feyre will always be there even as our interests and lives change :)

Honestly I'm very aware of the fact that I haven't been as active lately and I feel really bad about it, I still do reblogs and such but I just haven't been making as much original content recently. I've been trying to cut down on the anti content I post here and keep more of my criticisms in the Feyre server, I don't have a lot of energy to actually argue on here like I used to so I just talk my shit over there. Once cc3 comes out and I get Feyre crumbs though I swear I will be back to yapping, I just need more juice for my inspiration to come to me.

Some people in the Feyre server and I might be rereading the series after we've all wrapped up cc3 though so I'll def make some content during that. :) And I completely agree with everything you said, I don't really care that Nesta is going to be talking with Bryce as it is just a bonus chapter and I'm of the belief those genuinely aren't that important and only exist for marketing and to possibly build some excitement about certain things, I just hope that during their brief time in cc3 all of the acotar characters Feyre get treated well and we get some interesting scenes from them.

I'm not really a fan of cc3 theories that put one acotar character as objectively more important than others in the grander scheme of the SJM multiverse. I think they're all just cogs in one large machine and all these theories saying "X character is actually going to be the key player because of Y reasons!" is always silly to me. Tbh I'm not really a huge fan of the acotar characters becoming things outside of the context of their own universe/stories (if that makes sense)? Why can't they just be helping Bryce out? Why must one of them secretly be the key to everything? Or the Mother? Or the CC gods? Or a prince of Hel? BLAH!

anyways I got off track! It's so sweet that you noticed those two blogs were missing and they were both very touched when I told them I had an anon reach out to inquire about their wellbeing. You're a sweetheart!

[edelgarfield]

alright bestie i finished chapter eight and i just needed to thank you for destroying me and then subsequently putting me back together multiple times in a row. the comfort at the end though made all the days months years of the past installments worth it!!!!

to get personal with you for a moment— your characterization of durge in this series has been both so painful and so comforting for me. i recently started a partial-inpatient program for depression recovery, which i attend 30 hours a week. soon after starting, and with some help, it became blatantly clear how much self-loathing and contempt i hold for myself. at times, it feels like looking at durge is like looking in a mirror. the lack of self-worth, constant feelings of inadequacy, drive for perfectionism, and the absence of purpose. though the reflection is painful, i am now receiving the support i need to recognize where change needs to be made so i can heal after all these years. thank you thank you thank you, endlessly. you touched a part of me that i have always invalidated and has never felt seen<3

oh anon thank you so much! And I'm very glad the catharsis was worth it, it was definitely a long journey to get to this point & there's still a long journey to go.

And thank you so much for sharing your struggles, it really warms my heart to hear other people can see Durge the way I do, and understand how they reflect actual real world struggles that people go through.

Durge as a character means a lot to me for very similar reasons. I was (finally) diagnosed with BPD at the very beginning of 2023, & I've written about it through fanfic a number of times, but i struggle a lot with being unable to control/regulate my emotions and having unhealthy or irrational thoughts. I don't have violent intrusive thoughts like Durge, though some people do, but I struggle a lot with feelings of jealousy & possessiveness towards the people I'm closest to.

(under the cut bc this got so far away from me)

I'm self-aware enough to know when those thoughts are unhealthy & that it would be wrong to act on them. But for the longest time I was so ashamed of those feelings that I couldn't even bring them up in therapy. I would talk about the depression & anxiety those thoughts caused me, but I couldn't bring myself to say "I have an unhealthy obsession with my best friend" or "I don't want my friends to hang out with anyone else but me." and it's not a thought that I can just brush off, there's a very strong desire to act on those fears, to the point where it's extremely painful not to, but at the same time I know acting on them is wrong.

i think when it comes to mental health, it's gotten much easier to talk about being depressed or anxious, and those are things even people who aren't mentally ill can conceptualize. like everyone gets sad and stressed out from time to time. but i think it's a lot harder and there isn't nearly as much openness about the more "unsavory" symptoms like intrusive thoughts or violent impulses. i think those are things that are much harder to relate to, even among mentally ill people themselves. and the constant shame & guilt of dealing with those things is absolutely gut-wrenching.

even when I did finally start talking about these things in therapy, there was still this shame that followed me through every interaction. I'm in a place where I'm able to handle myself and my emotions, but they're still THERE. i'm certainly better at managing them than i was when i was younger, but my emotions & impulses are still largely outside of my control. with work they can get better over time, but that doesn't help me much NOW. i would constantly think "if my friends knew about my obsessions/jealousy/etc they would hate me." it's a huge burden to feel like there's a part of yourself that's inherently unlovable, and feeling the need to keep it under lock and key is so incredibly stressful.

with my therapist's help, I talked about this stuff with my friends for the first time a while back, and i feel so much lighter now not having to carry that guilt on my shoulders all the time. it's truly a lifechanging experience to be able to show someone the parts of yourself you're most ashamed of and have them love you anyway. my friends & i will actually joke about my obsessions w/ people, or wild things i've done to get people to like me and it's just... nice to be able to talk abt these things and have them be treated like something normal. dealing w/ these feelings & impulses has been such a huge part of my life for as long as i can remember and for the majority of my life i thought it was a burden i had to bear alone. but even just telling my friends about it has made it so much easier to deal w/ bc i'm not constantly carrying around the shame & guilt i did before. & my friends have taken steps to make things a bit easier on me, which i never thought anyone would be willing to do. i hope that everyone can get that experience of being loved unconditionally bc i've healed more in the past couple years than i did in the two and a half decades that came before.

anyway. that was a lot. but my point is that even though Durge is a video game character & their affliction is a magical one & not a mental illness (though i'm sure living with the urge would almost certainly lead to one if it wasn't already there) a lot of the struggle they go through is very real to me. like i said, I don't have violent thoughts/impulses, but i know what it's like to feel completely out of control & to think/want something intensely that disgusts you. that lack of control & shame has made it so difficult to let people in over the course of my life.

much the way they latch onto their identity as the party's leader, i've latched onto various titles & accomplishments because I felt like I didn't have anything else to hold onto. to this day, i joke about getting a degree everyone told me would be extremely hard, not because i was passionate about it, but because I was so attached to my identity as "the smart person" that I felt like a failure if I went for something "easier." and when the only thing I know myself as is "smart" i can't let other people see me be emotionally vulnerable, bc that'll shatter the persona i've crafted, and who am i going to be if i'm not that? it's the same for durge as a leader, letting their friends in isn't JUST about being seen as weak, it's about losing what little sense of identity they have, it's abt losing control of the way other people see them, one of the very few things that IS under their control, it's abt letting people get close enough to see the parts of themselves they've worked so hard to hide.

a sentiment that often gets floated abt people with BPD in particular is the idea that our negative emotions are extremely powerful, but so are our positive ones, & we love very intensely. That's how I see my version of Durge, the Urge is extremely strong & powerful, but so is their capacity for love & their drive to protect the people they care abt. when I was reading fic abt Durge prior to writing the series, there's a lot of depiction of the Urge as something that exists wholly separate from Durge themselves, & that's something that gets floated in the game itself, too. and i think that's a valid interpretation, but for me, my unhealthy & impulsive thoughts ARE part of me. hopefully with time & effort they're a part of me that can be unlearned, but it's still me. and that's something I really wanted to dig into & convey when writing Durge.

I think there are parts of Durge that are universally understandable like feeling guilt & struggling to become a better person, and those get explored a lot in fandom. but like i said abt mental illness before, I think there are parts of Durge that are extremely unpleasant that people struggle to depict in their characters without conceptualizing it as a different person, or a part of Durge that's been abandoned post-tadpole, or they only get discussed when it comes to characters that embrace the Urge. but for me, it's those unpleasant parts that I find most horrific & most relatable. Like it isn't just the horror of having intrusive thoughts, or the horror of losing control of your own body, it's having those horrific thoughts about things you know are wrong and disgusting but still desiring them anyway, and the shame that comes with that.

like obviously the Urge itself is a magical influence, but in many ways it's still a part of them, and their sense of self and identity is tangled up in it. Durge would not be the same character if you removed the Urge, their sense of morality & desires & what's important to them would not develop the same way, and it's something they actively have to manage & be aware of, much like I have to constantly assess myself for whether the Disorder is taking over. the Durge that existed pre-tadpole has a lot of things in common w/ Durge post-tadpole, whether you view them as different people or not.

i've very obviously never been in Durge's position, but a lot of their feelings & thoughts are heavily inspired by my own experiences dealing with destructive impulses & a lack of identity. in a lot of ways they remind me of myself at my worst (though again, i've never killed anyone, asleep or otherwise). the support they eventually receive in game (particularly after the "kill your lover" scene) and that I wrote them receiving in the most recent update were things I desperately needed/wanted when I was struggling, and something I think everyone deserves. the fact that fans can look at Durge & feel compassion for them despite how unpleasant the Urge is, and how awful their past actions are makes me feel like people might actually be able to feel sympathy for me and gives me a way to explain what it's like to feel completely out of control in your own body.

much like Durge, the thing that finally drove me to start working on myself in earnest a couple years ago was the love I had for my friends, and realizing that the way i was loving them at the time was extremely unhealthy for both of us. i'm very lucky to have met my current friends & to have made it this far despite having struggled for so long. my hope is that other people can see themselves in the version of Durge I've written, or even if they can't, that they can understand more and be more compassionate towards people who need it. it makes me so so happy to hear my work has helped you. i wish you nothing but the best and i hope you continue to heal & get the support you need.

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

(this is for research purposes (/gen this is for an english project) but I understand if it seems weird so feel free to ignore) (also dw I don't plan to mention specific people) what drew you to paganism/polytheism?

Oh this is SUCH a fun question. I was sitting down to do some readings and saw this in my askbox and just- I'll do this one first XD I apologize in advance, I'm gonna write a huge fucking essay because it's fun. First two paragraphs are more a history and context of how I got to paganism, the rest is more the aspects of paganism that drew me in!

So, this won't be an anti-Christian rant but I feel the need to say that part of it is, admittedly, that I grew up going to church with my grandmother. I loved that church, but I knew very well that they loved the IDEA of me. I was an undiagnosed auDHD queer kid who, at the time, was severely depressed. They loved the mask I put on, not the reality of me. I hadn't found acceptance in religion. I always was aware of paganism and witchcraft because of my parents and their practices, but really I grew up Christian. But that world- at least the way I was taught Christianity- was very small and harmful to me. Paganism not only understood me, not only accepted me, but enthusiastically embraced my oddities.

For a while, it was more an occasional hyperfixation than a practice I could put any effort or trust into. Witchcraft and paganism requires being in the present moment, something that I avoided like the plague because I was so afraid of my emotions. After some pretty intense experiences (if you want a little more explanation just DM, but I'd rather not post publicly bc it's pretty dark) taught me I could handle existing in the moment no matter how intense the emotions were, it suddenly opened up my practice in a whole new way. I wasn't afraid to be real with myself anymore.

Ultimately, I think that's what drew me to my own practices and religions; it's real. No, not in the "I'm the Right ReligionTM" way, but in the sense that I can be honest with myself in my practice. I can be real. I don't have to run away from the earth hoping for heaven, I don't have to pretend that having a body and mind is evil- I embrace my whole self. Paganism taught me it's okay to be myself no matter how strange I am, that the body and the life we live here and now is sacred. I don't have to fear the parts of me I was taught to reject as a child because those are "of the devil," I embrace them and give them compassion because I should never have been told that in the first place.

It also taught me that the world really is bigger than people tell you, just like I always felt it was. In my mom's words, "I thought it made so much more sense that the animals in Narnia talked. And some part of me that I kept very very secret thought that maybe they do in this world too, if you just know how to listen." The more I learn about my personal practice as a witch and pagan, the more I feel like that. "This just makes more sense."

Also, last thing because this is a HUGE ramble I swear I just fucking love witchcraft and paganism so much: The way I work with my deities makes more sense to me than the way most religions present gods. A god that is distant, powerful, and has the power to punish me if I step one toe out of line, would be no help to me at all. That's just one more authority figure to fear. My deities are kind, they accept the parts of myself that even I don't, and hell they're even funny- they sit with me when I want to cry or when I'm angry and they also watch my silly little shows with me. I feel their presence in casual activities. And to me that's so much more helpful than a god that's impersonal. The way a lot of religious deities work just... stress me out. I would never feel seen, not truly, and how would I know that they'd accept all of me? With my deities, I know they accept all of me. They've seen all of me.

Plus, on the less emotional side of things, paganism is just fucking FUN okay. Who else gets to say they watch anime with their god? Who else gets to say that their god, who is often perceived as formal and ruthless, makes dad jokes sometimes? I fuckin' love it here.

I hope this helps at all! It's very rambly but.... ehhhHHHH my feelings on paganism are rambly bc I like it :D

[marengogo]

hi!!

i have some questions regarding the cake issue, i'd ask chikooritajjk, but i'm honestly terrified of them 😞

did the other members get a cake for a pre release track?

ik jin got one for 'astronaut' and jk got one for both 'dreamers' + 'seven', but those are both singles...

so imo it's a little weird that the company would get tae a cake for a 'love me again' and 'rainy days' and not just wait for his album

also i saw them talking about wasting cake, but isn't there a thing where they can have the bakery frost styrofoam so it'll look like a cake? plus the members are given cakes on their birthday and sometimes they don't eat them...

don't want to cause issues btw! if jimin really didn't want a cake, i'm fine with it bc that's his choice, i'm just confused about some things

if you don't feel like answering, you don't have to!

ik you (and other bloggers) are not chikooritajjk's mail box and if i was able to come off anon without causing myself a anxiety attack 🙃, i would definitely just ask them directly! but i also like your thoughts and opinions as well on bts and jikook related things 😊

sorry for bothering you 💜

so i see my ask was taken the wrong way 😞 just want to clear up a few things i don't hate chikooritajjk, i honestly think they're lovely and are very helpful with explaining things (streaming, bts, jikook, queer topics ect), so it does make me sad that it came across that way i'm scared of them bc i have social anxiety and really want to talk to them about things they discuss (i know, it's a me problem, got that 🫡) and trust me, it took a lot to even send that ask bc ik people don't always like answering asks concerning other bloggers wasn't trying to sabotage your friendship with them either, i follow both your blogs and love BOTH OF YOUR POSTS i sent the cake ask bc i'm genuinely confused and had some questions, and like i said ik it was more so an ask for chikooritajjk, but you have been interacting their posts and agreeing with them and i also wanted to hear YOUR OWN thoughts on it i don't mind being corrected or told i'm wrong btw, as long as someone isn't rude or disrespectful (which neither you or chikooritajjk have been btw!!) i do fear that this interaction has only reinforced my issues with interacting off anon with jkkrs though, after this i'll leave you both alone (won't send anymore asks), as that is probably you want so sorry for bothering you both, i truly did not mean to cause any discomfort or issues with my ask and probably this one.... hope you both are doing well and can't wait for more of your insightful posts! — a lost anon

Hello 🎂-Anon,

Hope you don’t mind me calling you like this, if you do please let me know.

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out the best way to tackle your Ask as I think I’ve kinda already addressed your second ask in my post this morning. See, the thing is, whoever “baked” this particular conspiracy was so successful that many are now really so convinced that the absence of said eggs, flour & milk are actually a substantial part of a lot of the evil surrounding JM. 

But let me start with the easy part of the Ask. “did the other members get a cake for a pre release track?” Namjoon didn’t get a single slice of cake from Hybe, be it pre-release or release don't worry about what the tweet says, just want you to check out the type of cakes Joonie received, if you are interested!:

Two of the cakes were given to him by separate groups of his own friends and one was sent to him by the production team of “The Dictionary of Useless Human Knowledge”.

Now, to get back to the “source of evil” topic, it is very much an issue with the way that Chapter 2 is unfolding. It’s not about eggs, flour & milk, but about the people who found a way to make you believe that eggs, flour & milk are part of the problem. It’s about not being aware of what kind of space your SM environment might have turned into, such as not knowing that Namjoon also didn’t receive a cake, because the same people who are guiding your perception are also, shaping your environment and trying to create narratives that heavily aid in hindering the gravity of real issues that the boys might be facing.

So please, if you can, forget about the cake 🎂-Anon! It’s not about wastage or the performative act, or whatever. Did JM want cake from HYBE specifically? Unless he tells us, we can’t know, I mean if you ask me, he seems to have planned his FACE WEVERSE live to a T, I really don’t think he wanted any. Anyways, what we do now know though, thanks to Tae, is that there is a high possibility he might have not wanted it. Same as Joon.

The mishandling of Chapter 2 is so Ugh! Quite literally it is as if Pandora’s Box was opened and all sorts of shit just came rushing out ����😩😩. BUT I will address all of these in the post I mentioned that I am working on, so for now, If I could please ask you to take a second and think about the boys real quick. MEGA-Celebrities who have been in the game for 10 years (without counting pre-debut) and not only that, they are part of the biggest group on this planet, they are BIG-big, with big money, and big problems … do you see them losing sleep over eggs, flour & milk? 

Should we be? 

Hope this answers your question and I really do hope you’ll be looking forward to my post, cause, ONCE AGAIN, I REALLY CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH: There is soooooo much in Chapter 2 that needs to be address for-real-real 🤡. 

Always respectfully yours 💜🫰🏾,

Marengo.