#(bc fear is a thing people talk about a lot so i'm always aware of the difference in my experience)

[echthr0s]

I'm always thinkin about why my experience of fear* seems to be like... not common? like I'm never just. randomly afraid of something. there's always a very specific throughline. like for a while I was intensely afraid of death and what a coincidence that that was around the time that I would have like. entirely awakened as Myself, the walk-in whose previous death(s) were of some relevance (to say nothing of the fact that I think fear is a particularly potent place to start when looking to develop love. it's an alchemical process. I'm not saying that this is a common thing to experience. but I am saying that is exactly what *I* experienced and understanding that this happened this way for this reason is of some importance to me)

I can recognise that a thing is dangerous or whatever but that doesn't mean I, personally, will have the bodily feeling of fear to go along with it. this is the same thing with horror movies, I can't be afraid of something happening in a movie. I get why people are! that's literally three-quarters of the point of horror movies in the first place. tapping into that feeling of fear. it's neat how that works! but I guess that's just not the kind of wiring I got installed

conversely, I could probably try to describe to you something that has made me feel fear, but it would make no sense to you. bc it's like triggers in that way -- very specific to my experience and also very dependent on context. idk

--

*I'm specifically talking about like... more abstract feelings of fear here. not the kind you would experience if literally confronted with a scary thing. like if a grizzly bear materialised in front of me I'm fucking shitting myself like any other person who doesn't want to be eaten by a goddamn bear. but if you asked me if I'm scared of bears and there's no immediate threat of a bear eating my face off, no, I'm not scared of bears. the concept of a bear is just that. a concept

[jerreeeeeee]

i don't think taako's voice is really all that high most of the time. it's higher than justin's normal voice a little, but idk, the defining quality of it isn't its pitch to me, there's something else that i don't really have the words for. but anyway i do notice that his voice gets lower and less exaggerated when he's being serious. which is interesting bc it sort of implies that the usual "taako voice" is something he puts on.

i don't really think of taako as a habitual performer. his charisma modifier is a -1, he's not this ultra smooth charming actor, and although he does tend to hide behind humor and is slow to build connections, he's also very frank with what he's about and what he wants. he goes on an entire tirade about wanting to talk about his feelings (he's multidimensional!), he never acts embarrassed or hesitant about big moments of vulnerability and caring for others (arms outstretched, "i'm not going fucking anywhere," admitting a deep fear to kravitz on their first date, spilling his tragic backstory to angus, not to mention several serious moments with lup) (and not all of these can be chalked up to "forgotten connections," either. he does have a foundation of growth with magnus and merle, even forgotten, and his conversations with lup are of course all with memories intact, but he does not have that with kravitz and angus). he's just slow to reveal all of his hidden depths, because of (understandable) trust issues. but all in all he's not nearly as closed off as i think fandom tends to portray him (which is not to say he's open, either), nor is he someone who wears a lot of masks and obscures himself. i don't think he hides his "true self."

sizzle it up was successful because of his intelligence, not his charisma. he's a natural teacher who's knowledgeable and passionate, and that was what made the show great, not his personality or performance (though i don't think those were bad. just not the primary appeal of the show. the only fan we see is ren, and she loved sizzle it up because it inspired her and taught her to cook, not because she thought taako was awesome or whatever). bc that's the thing, he's not a performer, but he is extremely adaptable. so when he's set up with a stagecoach and a show lined up, sure, he'll have a TV persona, he'll learn to be charming, he'll learn to be showy, when he's on stage. when he gets famous, he learns to like being famous, but i don't think it was really a dream of his before then. or at least not in the way people think of it. i don't think he ever wanted to be a celebrity as much as a celebrity chef or celebrity wizard. he doesn't care if people think he's pretty. he doesn't want people to adore him (before the voidfish, anyway. afterwards is a different story. there's a void where love used to be that he's desperate to fill, and adoration almost feels like it works). really what he wants is for people to appreciate his skill and intelligence and depth (and he's also very afraid of actually displaying those things. he's multidimensional).

but most of the time, when he's not literally performing for an audience, i just don't think he's putting on a show, desperate for people to like him and think he's charming. he'll do what he needs to do, say what he needs to say, be who he needs to be in any given circumstance, with strangers and antagonists, but he also drops the act when it's not necessary. or at least his performance is subtler. he performs stupidity, he performs nonchalance, he makes efforts to be funny (because he is always funny, but that's something you have to work for and always be thinking about, even when the humor is dry), he carefully does just enough to be useful, but not enough to raise expectations. he's very aware of how other people view him, but he's also perfectly okay with people thinking negatively about him—as long as they're the negative traits he wants people to see. but, he only does all those things in the beginning of the show; after a little while with magnus and merle, after a little while with the bob, he drops the act. so i guess that's the difference to me. he's adaptable out of necessity, it doesn't bleed into his entire life. i don't even really think i'd qualify it as a performance. it's more of an invisibility. he's not performing charisma to get people to like him, he's trying to lay low. but then when he actually wants people to like him, he's himself, fairly unapologetically. with the people who matter, lup, magnus and merle, kravitz, the other bob members, the other ipre crew, he's pretty comfortable with himself.

one last interesting point is that while he doesn’t seem to hesitate when it comes to actions, he does shy away from verbal displays of affection, trust, vulnerability. and the best two scenes to show that play out almost exactly the same: lup’s best day ever dinner, and dropping his disguise self with kravitz. in each, taako does something meaningful for both npcs, who then verbalize their affection for him, which taako immediately deflects with a joke.

taako drops his disguise spell for kravitz, totally honest with him, (although… i don’t tend to think the beauty sacrifice was as meaningful to taako as fandom tends to portray, i think most of his vanity is an exaggeration he intentionally cultivates, but still, it’s a vulnerable moment, he clearly cares what kravitz thinks), and kravitz tells him he loves him. to which taako replies with a joke. he does not return the words.

taako doesn’t hesitate to construct the best day ever for lup, never even questions why she’d ask. he puts it all together, cooks for her, shows her he knows her, he loves her—and then when she bears her heart to him, tells him he is her heart, all he says is, “i know,” and pulls out a bottle of vodka. of course lup knows he loves her, the whole day was an elaborate demonstration of it, but he doesn’t say anything. to be fair, it’s not exactly a typical interaction between them, taako is textually scared shitless, lup did just tell him she’s going to turn herself into an undead abomination, so he’s not exactly at his best here. but anyway.

i don’t really have anything to add to this observation, it’s just very consistent and interesting to me. taako is fairly comfortable with grand gestures, but sidesteps around words. which ties in perfectly with his identity as a chef, to me. cooking is an action, work, intention, cooking for people is an act of love, an act of connection, an act of caring, and taako’s character doesn’t fit the bill for that—except, he kinda really does.

[simplenefelibata]

i think a lot of you undermine sam and cas' friendship.

like, we know sam isn't dean. cas isn't pathetically in love with him and sam didn't change him and he isn't the reason cas cared about the whole world. but that doesn't mean he's unimportant.

at the beginning of the series cas sees sam as the abomination. nothing but lucifer's vessel. throughout the series, sam becomes an extension of dean. cas takes care of him because he's dean's little brother and doesn't really give a much of a thought how his actions could affect him.

on the other hand, i think sam didn't have a lot of friends growing up and it shows lol. he sees cas as an instrument, and then also as an extension of dean. he's important to dean so he's kinda important to him, but he doesn't really Get why dean worries sm about cas — isn't he an angel??? sam constantly says cas is gonna be okay because he "knows what he's doing", or he simply says "it's cas... " it feels like sam is painfully aware how powerful and different he is.

the thing is, slowly but surely, they start hanging out more. they collab for dean's benefit, and then the concern they feel for the other's safety starts being more genuine instead of just "Not letting anything happen because Dean wouldn't survive it". they find out they like each other, and they can work really well together investigating and hunting (i'd argue that even better than cas and dean). this comes to a point where cas teases sam with dean (ex: telling him about the amnesia in the 50's case bc he knows it's embarrassing) and sam texting cas just because.

season 15 is what seals it for me. when cas breaks up with dean (lol), sam is the one reaching out. texting. calling. cas doesn't pick up, but sam keeps doing it. again. and again. that wouldn't have happened in season 7, or season 9, and really not much reason to do it now. but still.

plus, when people talk about cas and his love for the winchesters, they include Both of them. yes, they make the distinction between dean and cas' relationship, but they do include sam. even cas said at one point "you know me, always happy to bleed for the winchesters".

so, what i'm trying to say is: cas and sam's friendship matters!!! they should've had more time screen!!! i bet they would have so many interesting conversations because they're friends!!!

if you say that in a post-canon world you don't think sam would try to get cas to talk about his feelings, or that cas wouldn't confide sam his fears and regrets and worries BEEP you're wrong.

[gachagon]

Love your Eden’s Garden analyses my dude. Seriously, you’ve tackled aspects of certain characters I hadn’t even considered. I agree about Eloise being one of the blackened, girl is hiding nerves of steel behind a thin layer of shyness. I also think she’s gonna be connected to Desmond as the thing he guards and trusts the most (in reference to what was described in his blackmail). Upon further analysis, Desmond strikes me as someone who wants people to trust him, but has issues trusting others, outside of maybe Eloise. In a nutshell, he wants people to trust him without him putting his trust in other people. That’s his hypocrisy, in my mind at least.

I’m also gonna keep an eye on Grace in the chapter(s) going forward, in addition to Diana and Kai. Her silence after Eva’s execution speaks volumes. Mayhaps she’ll be going through a character arc? I feel like even SHE thought that execution was way too cruel.

On to my questions though! Out of curiosity, with what you’ve said about students’ deaths being linked to their hypocrisies, who do you think is the least hypocritical in the cast? By extension, who do you think is most likely to survive and/or die, at least within the next chapter or two?

Thanks so much lol I'm glad people ave enjoyed my thoughts so far and I've loved hearing everyone else's opinions and theories as well this whole week!

As to answer your question, I've got to say I think the "least" Hypocritical student so far is actually a controversial opinion of mine since I've noticed lots of people don't like his character T_T

It's Kai Monteago. (Note: I have NOT done everyone's FTE's yet but I'm gonna watch each one for this update soon!)

Now, this does not mean I don't think Kai lies or is a hypocrite, just that I think out of everyone on the cast so far he's the one who's the most honest about how he actually feels.

If Wolfgang is the most Hypocritical person because he hides everything he's feeling and doesn't let anyone know what he's actually thinking, then I think Kai is the least hypocritical out of the student body (minus Damon & Diana bc I think they're both being set up obviously as the protag and antag) because he's so honest about everything about himself and doesn't actually feel the need to hide his own insecurities, worries, fears, and anxieties.

Whenever anything goes remotely bad, Kai is always the first out of the cast to admit he didn't actually trust anyone, he's also the only one who's outwardly always wary of others and nervous. He just doesn't like thinking about the potential for someone murdering him or someone winding up dead. But it's pretty clear just from how he acts in his FTE's, trial, and body discovery that he not only doesn't trust anyone there but that he's not afraid to admit that openly when shit hits the fan.

For Kai, it seems like he's fully aware of the situation and thus knows that just agreeing with whatever the rest of the cast is talking about will keep him safe. He obviously is still a bit of a hypocrite because he's judging the ones who openly admit to not trusting other people, but he's also the first of the cast to always admit he had reservations about trusting them to begin with.

In a way, I can't exactly say Kai is a bad person because of his hypocrisy. He's only been an Ultimate for like 1-2 years, which is way less time than most of the student body. All of this is very new to him, he reminds me of Makoto in that sense where he was someone who would've never thought they'd be an Ultimate, or someone who became one by chance. Even the story he shares of how he became The Ultimate Influencer makes me believe that it really was just dumb luck that he got his title.

And he's only really falling in line because he obviously sees the way everyone treats you when you don't agree with the majority opinion, even if that majority opinion is rooted in rationality. In a way, it makes sense that Kai would act this way because he's an Influencer and has to deal with widespread groupthink about himself daily lol Any small action he did in the outside world was scrutinized and judged by an invisible audience, so now when he's in a situation like this he just goes with whatever will make the most people like him.

Though I can definitely see Kai breaking out of that kind of mindset the more he becomes friends with other people, and now that Wolfgang is gone, I definitely think the rest of them will act more freely instead of looking towards a leader of sorts. This is also why I think Kai will be the "support" character for Damon that we thought Eva would be. Kai is the one person left now who's wholly honest about himself, meaning he and Damon can become friends quicker that way and potentially work on investigations.

Also the two of them have very similar talents in the sense that "anyone could do this". But their ideas about their talents are swapped. Someone mentioned earlier that they think Damon might hate being a Debater or that he has some kind of insecurity rooted in the fact that he's a Debater. And I kind of agree. Where as Kai is wholly proud of his title as the Ultimate Influencer, Damon is very insecure about being seen as the Ultimate Debater and makes up for it with a big ego.

He doesn't let anyone look down on him for being an internet personality, and doesn't let lies about his past or things people wouldn't know about anyways (like the scandal he mentions in his FTE) get to him. But Damon flounders when someone even remotely challenges the idea of his talent being "useless" to society. In truth, the both of them are like foils and will probably be paired more often especially since they share a room together.

[moonyasnow]

The ways in which my OCs are neurodivergent

Bc this is a legitimately big part of who they are as people and I'm not gonna let you forget! My OCs are neurodivergent, some of them mentally ill, and I'm very open about that fact; I really LOVE talking about it actually ^^

I love sharing things like this, especially bc just normalizing stuff is a big step toward wider acceptance of it! And as an autistic person with ADHD, Tourettes and BPD, my own perspective is just so neurodivergent to a degree where I don't really know how to write characters who aren't at least somewhat neurodivergent

Plus...way too few people seem to be actually aware of what a lot of these things actually entail for the people who actually are/have it :,) So wherever I can, I wanna work to try to change that!

Edit:

@babyghoul138 CRAP I FORGOT TO TAG YOU FOR VERONICA—

Tomoe

She's autistic.

You might not be able to see it easily, because she's very good at masking it, but she is.

But you can still see it very clearly when she starts talking about history! Because once she starts, she gets so overwhelmed with excitement about being able to share everything she knows of one of her favorite things in the world that the mask just sorta falls off.

That's a big reason why she's always wanted to be a history teacher; to be able to share that excitement with others, and have an excuse to talk about it and teach others all her favorite historical facts every day.

Btw I'm saying 'is autistic' instead of something like 'has autism' because there is no way to separate the person from the autism, if that makes sense. Autism makes up so much of who an autistic person is (the way we think, the way we grow up, the things we like and are drawn to, how we interact with others on a fundamental leve, etc) that there would be nothing left if you 'took away' the autism.

Irina

She has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Since idk how much the general population knows about BPD, here are the symptoms (taken from helpguide.org)

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

The way it manifests in her is she has the 'Discouraged' subtype

There are 4 commonly recognized subtypes: Discouraged, Petulant, Self-Destructive and Impulsive. They come from which of the symptoms of BPD a particular person with it shows more prominently.

For irina, this means that she suffers more from the symptoms of 'fear of abandonment', and she directs all her negative feelings inside at HERSELF rather than at others. For this reason, this kind can also be called 'quiet' Borderline since it can be hard to tell it's there at all with no outward signs

The Discouraged Subtype is most often characterized by: Avoidant, depressive or dependent behaviors, an intense- sometimes even crippling- fear of abandonment, and always directing negative emotions inward and believing they are at fault. Can also be desrcibed to be operating in 'abandoned child' mode; wanting to do anything to avoid a percieved abandonment.

What specifically causes BPD isn't 100% known, but it's thought to be a mix of childhood experiences and genetics.

I'll talk more about the 'childhood experiences' part in Veronica's part, so here I'll discuss the 'genetic's part...

For example...

I hadn't actually thought about it until a while ago while discussing it with a friend, but It's VERY likely that Irina got, or was at least at a much higher possibility of developing BPD because of her father.

Because looking at the things he did...he'd fit into at LEAST 7 of the symptoms.

All he ever did was either go out drinking and doing drugs (impulsive, self-destructive behavior with no regard for his own health or safety) or stay home watching TV. Both, I think, could very well be an example of that 'chronic feelings of emptiness' thing; he wanted to find something to fill the void with.

I also think he sometimes just bought random stuff he thought was cool, both as another example of that emptiness, but also of the thing with constant shifting self-image.

And unstable relationships, mood swings and explosive anger... There's an OVERABUNDANCE of evidence for that.

Spike

Like I said, I'm not 100% sure about Spike yet... I don't think he's ENTIRELY neurotypical though...

I don't think it's autism...

I'm thinking maybe some sort of learning disability? A few SYMPTOMS of ADHD???

...I don't know...

But there's SOMETHING here...I can just feel it

Junia

Is autistic, has dyslexia and dyscalculia

Her dyslexia and dyscalculia are pretty straight-forward. She has a lot of trouble reading: to her, letters, and numbers too, always just refuse to stay still on the page, shfting and jumping around so much it makes most texts illegible to her. Even though she tried to learn to read...she barely can.

Which lead to all her peers making fun of her when she was a child, calling her stupid for not being able to read or do math.

She's never been super good at reading the room; she can usually discern whether the mood is positive or negative, but not much else. And only really if people are being honest. She can pick up on individual people's moods pretty well though. At least, unless they're actively TRYING to hide it.

She learned to read people's emotions pretty ok because she's very empathetic, and also because her mother's expression was often a sign of if Junia had done something 'wrong' or 'weird' again...and she wanted to make her mother happy, and do things 'right.'

She's quite gullible, and trusting, always believing people have good intentions. She's a bit more cautious than, say, Kalim, because her mother always told her not to trust strangers so easily. But when someone is in front of her, and being nice to her, she just feels bad thinking they could be suspicious, so it doesn't take too long for her to start to become more comfortable around them.

It's happened before that people she thought were her friends were just her 'friends' to make fun of her behind her back.

Often, her trains of thought make no sense to others around her.

She's always liked things other thought of as 'weird'. Like for example having a huge love of flowers- almost all of which don't even grow underwater- and cats- which DEFINITELY don't live underwater. But also things people consider 'scary' like horror! Whenever she's seen a big monster in a story, she's never been scared of it, instead seeing it as a friend.

Because people have always struggled to understand her, and called her weird, she's always felt like an outsider, even when she was surrounded by people. So she feels more at home with monsters, and cats, and most things that AREN'T people. And monsters in particular, because they can understand what it feels like to be different.

In fact, when she was little, she dreamed of marrying a monster, thinking what good friends they'd be.

She doesn't really 'mask'...it's more that she's just silent more often than if no one had ever reacted negatively to her openly being herself. Because of the weird looks she used to get when she spoke her mind, she just...doesn't, anymore. At least, not unless she considers someone her friend.

As an example, she feels comfortable speaking her mind, no matter how 'weird' it might sound, with the rest of the Pop Music Club. Probably because Kalim is likely very similar to her in that regard, and Lilia kinda is too, since fae have a different way of thinking than most non-fae people. It's mostly just Cater who sometimes has trouble understanding what she's thinking or what she means.

Lisle

He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Info from mayoclinic.org, again, since they're basically my best friend when it comes to this stuff

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy.

Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. Some children may show traits of narcissism, but this is often typical for their age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:

Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.

Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.

Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.

Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.

Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.

Take advantage of others to get what they want.

Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. They can:

Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special recognition or treatment.

Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.

Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.

Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.

Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.

Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure."

Lisle is, again, say it with me now, just pretty good at hiding all of this, to the point where most people don't realize this is what's going on in his head. He himself had no idea about it.

I think, after his Overblot, he'd be made to go to therapy of some kind, where he'd start to find out more about this and his own troubles in his personal relationships with others.

I don't think his fundamentally selfish mindset would ever really change; it's just part of him. And since he still does treat people pretty well, for Lisle, it's not exactly something that's TOO much of an issue.

Veronica

Also has Borderline Personality Disorder

She has the 'Petulant' subtype. For her meaning the symptoms that manifest stronger in her are the 'explosive anger'

The Petulant subtype is most often characterized by: Passive aggressive behaviors, directing anger outward, a feeling that it's the world- not the person- who is at fault, unpredictable moodswings, and a need to feel in control.

She feels constantly angry, at both the world AND at herself, often with no clear cause or reasoning.

I'm only just now, after reading through a lot of stuff I wrote her saying as part of other fandom settings, am I realizing just how…I guess 'mellow' Veronica currently is compared to what she used to be when she was younger?

Like… look at these quotes:

"Why do you care? What, is it a crime to read a book now?"

Veronica becomes angry "You— you think I hadn't thought of that? I can't! That's why I fucking asked you in the first place! Ugh, just, forget it! I'll go read a book about it or something." And she storms away.

This was her attitude all the time, on a regular basis, with EVERYONE. Talk to her, no matter the topic, and it's very likely you'll be yelled at, with her taking everything as having insulting or malicious intent, which also handily ticks off the 'feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality' symptom.

She was always just— so angry. Angry because she couldn't really trust anyone but herself, so she was always stuck in 'defense' mode. So now that she actually has friends she trusts and respects, who trust and respect her too, and she has her brother back, it's like she feels more safe.

And she definitely swore way more before NRC, even though she still swears a lot now. Credit to Vil for that.

It really goes to show what a good support system and learning to better manage that anger can do for people with BPD.

And now, for the thing about 'childhood experiences' playing some part of it... Though first- I do think it could be possible that her mother having a few traits of it, such as intense emotions, could also be part of it for Veronica.

But for people with BPD, when it comes to trauma, it's thought that a disruption in attachment at an early age could cause it For Veronica...take your pick, really.

Losing her parents, then her brother, and then her father... Any one of them could have brought about SOME of it...so just imagine what all three of them, along with the disorienting experience of basically being 'thrown out of the nest' before she was ready- being sent to that school halfway across the country, where she knew no one and nothing was familiar to her, after having gone through so many already traumatic losses...and then add to that her original teacher having provided her no comfort.

Victor

Has SYMPTOMS OF Antisocial Personality Disorder

According to the medical website Mayclinic.org:

"Symptoms of antisocial personality disorder include repeatedly:

Ignoring right and wrong.

Telling lies to take advantage of others.

Not being sensitive to or respectful of others.

Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or pleasure.

Having a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated.

Having problems with the law, including criminal behavior.

Being hostile, aggressive, violent or threatening to others.

Feeling no guilt about harming others.

Doing dangerous things with no regard for the safety of self or others.

Being irresponsible and failing to fulfill work or financial responsibilities.

Adults with antisocial personality disorder usually show symptoms of conduct disorder before the age of 15. Symptoms of conduct disorder include serious, ongoing behavior problems, such as:

Aggression toward people and animals.

Destruction of property.

Lying and dishonesty.

Theft.

Serious violation of rules.

Antisocial personality disorder is considered a lifelong condition. But in some people, certain symptoms ― particularly destructive and criminal behavior ― may decrease over time. It's not clear whether this decrease is a result of the effect aging has on their mind and body, an increased awareness of the impact that antisocial behavior has had on their life, or other factors."

Though I would add that, the fact that Victor actually has a very good sense of what is and is not societally appropriate is why I only said he has SYMPTOMS of it, since I'm not a doctor, and thus wouldn't know if that would or would not make him applicable for a diagnosis.

Artemisia

Is autistic, has ADD (like ADHD, but the MIND is hyperactive rather than the body), anxiety, and depression

As her ADD pertains, she has a habit of getting lost in her thoughts quite often. Or a book. She has difficulty focusing on multiple things at a time, and can feel overwhelmed if there's a lot that needs to be done. But so long as she just decides to pick ONE thing to focus on, it usually winds up ok, though it does make her stressed.

The anxiety is mostly SOCIAL anxiety, and for a pretty clear reason, that being her past experiences WITH people. But still anxiety, so I think it counts.

Depression... It's something she's struggled with since she was pretty young.

Shutting yourself into your room for years on end with nothing to do each day except read books doesn't exactly create the best conditions for good mental health.

She's legitimately had suicidal thoughts for many years, since she thought she had no reason to live. She never tried anything, though, because she just didn't want to. For her it more manifested as a lot of escapism through books. That or just sleeping for a whole day.

It's started to get a bit better now though. More stable. Now she has friends like Idia, Silver and Sebek. Idia knows exactly what all that stuff feels like, Silver tries his best to understand despite not having felt them himself, and Sebek tries to get her to do more stuff outside of her room. So she has a lot of supportive people around her, and she's grateful for it.

Because she doesn't want to keep feeling like that...she does want to feel ok.

She's never been good at understanding the emotions of other people. She can understand simple expresssions, but not automatically. It's a bit stilted, like someone who didn't grow up learning a specific language learning to read it; it's a manual process, instead of an automatic one. And since she's unable to pick up on things unless they're expressed in words, she ends up not knowing

She's always been completely unable to understand subtext unless she has it spelled out for her. She's also thus very bad at knowing when she's being lied to. She's so used to living in a world of only her- and she's the type who always tells the truth no matter what, and to her it's just a foregone conclusion that it's the good and rational thing to do- that others being capable of deception isn't a thought that enters her mind often. At least, not when she herself is involved.

Even if she sees a discrepancy in the things someone said and did, she always assumes they must have just misspoken, or made some other mistake, or not realized it. She assumes there has to be a reason for it.

It just doesn't come naturally to her to think someone could be operating in bad faith.

She also has a lot of sensory issues. Her senses of touch and hearing are VERY sensitive. One of the reason she doesn't like crowds is because she kinda has no 'filter' for her ears-- she hears EVERYTHING around her; the ticking of the clock, the humming of the lights, and the conversation on the other side of the room. None of it ever becomes 'just background noise' to her.

And she can't stand it when most people, even those she likes, touch her. She always refuses to shake people's hands because her sense of touch is so sensitive that it often ends up overwhelming her and making her uncomfortable. This also leads to her being unable to wear an item of clothing unless the tag has been removed, because otherwise how uncomfortable it feels is all she can focus on.

Tagging @angelwishess BC ANGEL MADE ME DO THIS-- /hj

[bigskydreaming]

Something I'm always meaning to delve into more in terms of media/literary analysis is the idea that a lot of assumptions made about how writers/shows FEEL about various characters based on how a narrative treats them or is shaped around them....is better attributed to those things being symptomatic of the role those characters occupy in a story.

Like I just mean....Buck from 911 is a great example of this IMO. A very common trend in fandom w/fandom faves is to project heavily onto fave characters from the basis of 'this character, like me, is often unappreciated or taken advantage of or always ends up being the one apologizing even when its not fair or they weren't the one in the wrong.'

And to be clear, I'm not saying this with any sort of judgment. Hell, I do it with a lot of my faves too (cough cough Dick Grayson) bc like, ppl come to fandoms for a lot of different reasons and look to get different things out of fandom and fanfic and discussing meta & the like.....and that can often include using favorite characters as proxies to work out our personal frustrations about not being viewed or interacted with by the people in our lives in the ways that we would like to or feel like we deserve.

So there's an understandable element to ppl gravitating to (and projecting onto) characters that we view as mirroring situations or dynamics we've experienced in our own lives, and seeing them as an opportunity to give voice to complaints about them being mistreated/unappreciated by their friends & families...that maybe reflect things we sometimes feel about our own personal dynamics but keep to ourselves for fear of rocking the boat or worrying that maybe we actually are being unreasonable.

(Because after all, sometimes we ARE being unreasonable when feeling that 'so and so just doesn't UNDERSTAND what we were thinking/why we did something' and like, on some level we KNOW that and are aware that the adult thing to do is to just.....let it go....but before we do that, we've got to spend some time sitting in our Feels. Enter....fanfic and character proxies).

I mentioned Buck from 911 because he's a classic example of a white fave that's been woobified to hell and back by his fandom, with a disproportionate amount of fandom focus devoted to the times other characters do him wrong, or he's treated unfairly by a narrative or ends up apologizing despite not being the one at fault.....

BUT. Its not that people are pulling these instances completely out of their ass, IMO....there IS basis for fans feeling that certain storylines are at his expense.....

I just disagree with a lot of the conclusions drawn as to WHY these storylines play out these ways.

There's a tendency with fandom faves that are projected onto in these specific ways....to be seen or talked about as if they're a show or comic or book's designated punching bag. Like all this stuff happens to them, the narrative draws the wrong idea about who was right and who was wrong....because the writer(s) don't "get" or appreciate or maybe even LIKE the character as much as they do the other characters.

But in Buck's case at least, that's just 100% not a thing. That's not the issue. He's a clear fave of the writers, he's a central, if not THE central focus of the show nine out of ten times.....like. He's not neglected or unloved by the show or the writers or the narratives. He's just flat out not, lol.

And yet.....there are plenty of occasions where I would agree that the show makes some very weird (and even upsetting) choices when it comes to resolving his interpersonal conflicts with various other characters, or wrapping up one of his storylines. A lot of the "making up" scenes after a big fight DO have him caving, or being the one to apologize even if he wasn't the one instigating or engaging in the more obviously harmful behavior, etc. And it could even be argued that if you were to tally up all the times you think the show frames something as Buck being the one in the wrong or the one needing to do more to make things right, compared to the times the show frames other characters being blatantly wrong or needing to make amends.....these tallies would have Buck "in the lead."

But the thing is, you gotta look at the reasons WHY things shape out that way.

For instance:

1. Buck IS a clear central focus of the show....and that means he gets a disproportionate amount of the narrative's focus or screentime, compared to a lot of other characters. And when you're on screen more than most anyone else, then yes, you're going to be able to add up more examples of pretty much ANYTHING, relative to the other characters. That's a numbers game.

Buck is 'in the wrong' with more of the other characters, more often than any other character....because the show devotes more time & focus to HIS interpersonal conflicts. You're not often going to see Chimney being all mea culpa with Bobby after a big fight they have, compared to how many times the show has Buck framed that way....because (post Season One) the show just flat out doesn't SHOW Chimney and Bobby having interpersonal conflicts or dynamics to the same degree it has Buck and Bobby engaged in those.

2. In a procedural ensemble like 911, every character has a specific niche. And those niches play a huge role in how the writers approach setting up, crafting and resolving each character's solo storylines. This isn't a reflection of writer bias so much as narrative convenience. Buck's niche within the show is the little brother of Station 118, Maddie's little brother, Bobby's surrogate son, etc.

And so, when things need a quick resolution, the narrative has to cut corners to wrap up a solo character's C Plot so the episode can get back to focusing on its A and B plots.....yeah, a lot of times the writers default back to the simplest and most basic elements of older sibling/younger sibling, parent/child, mentor/protege dynamics.

And because of how we tend to approach those particular dynamics as a society in general....come crunch time, the writers aren't really looking to reinvent the wheel or choose the final ten minutes of an episode or seasonal arc as the ideal time to subvert expectations here.

So....a lot of times, yeah, Buck 'draws the short straw' and defers to the wisdom of his elders, is quicker to apologize or admit wrongdoing, chalk things up to being reckless or immature, even if that's not necessarily what the narrative UP to that point had been building towards....but this isn't because nobody understands Buck or appreciates him or thinks he can ever be the one in the right when fighting with Bobby or Eddie or Chimney or Maddie.....its because its just narratively more convenient for the writers, to steer things towards a resolution that dovetails into social expectations.

The surrogate child is more likely to be viewed as the one who needed to learn a lesson than the surrogate parent, the younger sibling has more to acknowledge or appreciate about what the older sibling does on their behalf, the less experienced firefighter is more likely to have jumped the gun or made the wrong call than his teammates who have years of experience over him.

These things aren't knocks against his character - at least that's not the intent in a lot of these resolutions, IMO - bc not every writing choice in a writer's room is made with the aim of being the optimal choice for that character. Sometimes its just....shooting deadlines means they need the final draft of the script, the showrunner tells whomever is doing final pass on the pages to get that climactic character conflict scene wrapped up, and when in doubt....go with the quickest and easiest way to bring those characters to a resolution.

Now, you can certainly argue whether or not this is good writing, or ideal prioritization....but I mean, that's kinda the point of fanfic, isn't it? To explore the aspects/elements/angles of characters and stories that the source material skimps on or leaves on the cutting room floor due to corporate interests, studio & editorial mandates, actor & budget & scheduling conflicts or limitations, etc. My point isn't "oh you should just accept these writing & character choices and never disagree with them ever" its just...."you should not default to assuming these writing and character choices obviously happened because Everybody Hates Buck."

Anyway, this is the point where tumblr glitched on me and gave me heartburn when this post abruptly disappeared and gave me a red bar saying "your post was too out of this world and you crashed the tumblr editor" so despite having more to say I will NOT be chancing it and thus here, have a completely random denoument, the end, and SCENE. This has been a post. Thanks for tuning in!

[velvetvexations]

Ppl act like gender essentialism (the man/beard brand) is necessary to keep women safe but even that scenario could actually make them less safe bc it downplays the danger of bears, which I think also illustrates the issue I have with true crime. When you're taught as a woman that there are certain dangers that are the worst (be it men or serial killers or rape as the very worst thing that could possibly happen to you), you might underestimate dangers that appear less obvious to you like wild animals, unpreparedness, inappropriate equipment, lack of spatial awareness, going alone when you're inexperienced, heat exhaustion bc, dangers from other animals or bugs bugs (where I'm from in Europe we need to get vaccinated against tick-borne encephalitis, my father didn't, got it & almost died).

I'm from a culture that's big on hiking & hiked a lot pre-transition, mostly with a cis male best friend, and I never had a bad experience with other ppl (except maybe when someone didn't say hello, very impolite) but we did get lost pretty badly once on a new trail with no phone signal & that was scary. I was always safer in the woods with men around bc if there are ppl, you know you're on the right path & won't get lost! Also it you get injured & can't walk or god forbid lose consciousness, you want other ppl there to help you. I also worked at a homeless shelter (pre-transition as well, they all knew me as a short, not at all threatening looking woman) and that taught me to shake off the fear I had of homeless people, men especially, because they too are just ppl & it was bigoted of me to have my gut instinct tell me I was in danger when I saw a homeeles man just existing or behaving erratically in public. It was classist, ableist & was not in fact justified just bc I was navigating the world as a woman.

Yes, keep yourself safe, but actually learn to recognize potential dangers & how to handle dangerous situations, don't just rely on your gut instinct.

I also think we can absolutely teach ppl how to keep themselves safe around other folks without resorting to gender essentialism & sex profiling simply by focusing on behaviors instead of gender presentation.

This would serve to protect trans & queer ppl with a masc appearance/presentation including non cispassing trans fems/women, trans mascs/men, non-binary & multigender ppl, intersex folks, even cis gay men, who are also at a higher risk of being assaulted than cis straight men and yes, even straight men, who are also capable of being victimized. Because nobody is truly safe from violence & abuse, we all need to know how about dangers & be able to get protection from others in our communities!

That reminds me of what I've been talking about recently where someone blamed a fixation on punitive justice on people being tricked into it by white supremacist background radiation in Western culture when it's actually just an apolitical fault of the way human brains are wired that goes back to the earliest human civilizations. And like, granted, this is the third time I'm bringing that post specifically up so maybe I'm overexaggerating the issue because I don't follow that kinna discourse closely, but especially in conjunction with transandrophobia discourse I feel like there's this trap of viewing the things you face as cosmic forces rather than mere sociology, you know?

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi Cas ! how are you ?

I'm struggling in the romance department right now lmao so I thought you might have some advice :(

Basically there is this girl I really REALLY like. We met through a friend three years ago, but in person only a year ago. Seeing her in person literally changed me I never liked someone this much like I was BEWITCHED or something. We only spent two days together and we only had one kiss, but I never managed to get her out of my head.

I never saw her again because she left to study abroad for a year. Now she's back in my country but we live a bit far away so I haven't seen her. When she was abroad we kept talking and flirting etc. But at one point she told me she had met somebody and that she wanted to try with him. It ended up not working and she reached out to me after some time, so we began talking (and flirting) again.

The thing is, for a few weeks now I feel like she isn't exactly flirting with me anymore. Except she kinda is. She is a writer and she has a writing instagram account where she posted poems that are clearly romantic but also clearly not about me. At least I really don't think so. It feels like a knife in the heart everytime. To be noted that usually if not always she does write about personal things that are really happening. So I'm pretty sure there is someone else in her mind. Which is fine because we didn't promise each other anything. But she is still replying to my stories etc and saying things that could pass as friendly but only if we didn't have history you know ? Like she's making lesbian jokes (i'm also a girl).

So the mixed signals are killing me. I also don't understand bc she said something about the guy before, but she didn't say anything this time. I feel like maybe she .... keeps her options open. (which is fine btw, I'm just unsure if she's still into me or not) I can't exactly ask her because we don't talk a lot (I'm so bad at keeping in touch if I have nothing specific to say yk?) and I don't want to come off as intrusive.

I would really like to see her in person so maybe we could talk and/or I could understand better where her heart is at. But being so unsure I don't want to propose a date or something bc I feel like it would be really out of the blue right now, and one of us would have to take the train and sleep at the other's place, so it feels like a lot and something she could refuse easily so I really don't feel comfortable doing that. I want it to be clear that I'm still into her bc I don't know if she is aware of it (it's obvious imo but I know she has confidence issues and at one point she thought I didn't care) but I also don't want to come off too strong and scare her away, and/or get rejected (not sure my heart could take it right now😭)

So I'm thinking maybe an outing with friends (we have several in common now) but again it is complicated bc everyone lives far away. Also she doesn't talk to one of them anymore, and that friend coul take it very badly if she's not invited so that would be a whole other mess (but honestly that friend is annoying and quite toxic and has a lot of issues so... I'm trying not to think too much of that)

Anyway I'm really lost, I really don't to give up on her, like it hurts a lot to think about, but also I feel like maybe she isn't as invested as I am. I would 100% take a train to the other side of the country to see her but I fear she isn't even thinking about that. Maybe I'm paranoid though. Also I think it's not so bad if someone isn't completely in it from the beginning, like some people are more guarded and careful than me and it's okay.

I don't know if you'll be able to help me, but I'd really like to hear your opinion on this. Thanks a lot <3

Hi!!! <3

What you said at the end is exactly what I was thinking though- maybe she's just guarded or nervous? I think you should try to give little hints or like...idk suggest meeting somewhere maybe? See how she reacts? Maybe she's just as nervous, if not more nervous than you. If she's iffy about it, it'll make it clear to you that she just wants to be friends. But if she jumps at the chance, then that's your sign. And even if you can't meet in person, maybe try being a bit more forward? I know it's scary but like...you have to know! You don't have to all-out ask her out, just be a bit more flirty and see if she reciprocates. You said you've kissed in the past so in my opinion, that means there's hope, you know?

Good luck! Naming you train anon.

[fr-wiwiw]

I miss talking about Gahan. so imma just ramble here instead.

i've been thinking again about who would say I love you first between them. The first time I know Gahan, it's an automatic to think "oh this lovely bratty twink would be the one to say those 3 words first". But then the more i dive into their characters, it would make more sense if Yohan is the one to say those words first.

Here's why, according to me, also warning this is gonna be long:

Yohan never heard those words spoken genuinely to or for him. Perhaps the ones who say it to him would be Isaac (of course), his wife (Cecilia is her canon name for me 😂), and little Elijah. What child wouldn't say I love you or I like you to their favorite person. While on the other hand, Yohan has the most experience in tragic relationships (romantic or platonic or with himself) in regards to feelings. That's why he's the sociopath we all know and love and thirst for. That's why he has a stark and clear difference between genuine ILY or not. He will rarely or perhaps never say those words to anyone unworthy of his true feelings. Elijah will of course have the VIP pass despite their relationship straying away bcs of the things Yohan does to protect his child (yes, Elijah is pretty much his niece & child, you can't take that away from me). His act of service for Elijah speaks greatly how much he loves her, he literally has done and will do everything in his power to protect her or his loved ones (that includes ridiculously pretty and hot headed Bambi that almost stabbed him with tears in those doe eyes).

Now, Gaon I'm sure grew up in a very loving family. He had healthy relationships with his friends and family too I'm sure, before fate decides to take his family and his sanity away from his life. Thankfully he has Soohyun, —no matter how much hatred we have for her, let's be real Gaon survived his days bcs of her too— both he and Yohan are big empathetic too hence why they do what they do albeit unhealthy & reckless most of the times. Remember Gaon also has a lot of fear to control him, the opposite of Yohan who reigns his fear wonderfully that's why people believe in him to do great things, and he does! He's unbeatable and always comes back on top if he's defeated. There's a reason Gaon turns to him too to do dirty things despite his disliking towards this particular decision of Yohan. There's a reason why Yohan is a beacon of light burn so bright and blinding whilst Gaon is the gentle light of hope. But again, Gaon is controlled by fear. He might and possibly fall in love first unknowingly towards Yohan once he does realize it, his first instinct is to hide it ESPECIALLY from Yohan. Why? His empathy is working towards guilt and fear. Now I won't dive into the guilt, it would be hard admittedly, bcs the guilt and fear is woven tightly together, but Gaon knows and is able to connect the dots Yohan doesn't have healthy & great childhood experiences. We know Gaon is great with strays, strays love him, they gravitate close to him. You know why else something or some people might gravitate towards an individual? They either resonate the same bad energy or they resonate positive energy. And what is Gaon? A broken stray with a warm heart. He's in-between. That's why he's confused. That's why Soohyun protects him, so protectively it becomes suffocating in a different way than Yohan's. How many people have approached him with good intentions, wanting to protect him but also ruin him at the same time? He doesn't know this. But he is besties with fear. The traumas he went through is not something a soft hearted person can overcome in a short amount of time. Yohan is built different, as we are all aware. The areas that makes Gaon weak and tumbles are the areas where Yohan will thrive and become much stronger.

So does the opposite thing. If softness and vulnerability makes Gaon strong, it will be Yohan's downfall. The proof is crystal clear the moment he realizes Gaon is his liability the first few episodes.

To me, all this is because they're not familiar with the unfamiliar emotions. Yohan with vulnerability and Gaon with reality. But both roots in the same topic, pain.

I'm sure Yohan has his fair share of vulnerable moments he's aware of but I think he never really has time to sit to mull over and accept it within safe space or reasonable time, he's always racing against time, therefore very little window of chance for him to actually be friends with his vulnerability. It's more like something he needs to protect behind his back while not noticing the innerchild he protects is bleeding behind him. The intention is good but it's not the best way.

Gaon on the other hand. His people pleasing trait is what drives him forward yet at the same time, he forgot that giving yourself too much to people will only hurt him just as much. The amount you give yourself to others is how much pain you will get. He recoils everytime this happens, giving mixed signals to people involved. His father figure (i forgot the bastard's name) experienced this. Gaon is supposed to be an enemy to Yohan but then when he's given the reality he thinks is the truth, he turns his back to the professor and into the sugar daddy's lap willingly (with manipulation involved from Yohan ngl who am I joking).

Now I just remember the professor's name, Min Jungho, you bastard of a skinny leech, kudos to the actor to make me feel angry.

Anyway— See Gaon is familiar with bad things that come with truth in reality. He's skeptical of his own reality while sprinkles positive truths to other's reality. He's so positive about Yohan, the Kang-abyss-Yohan. He even stood up for Yohan, quite literally, when Soohyun and Min Jungho said bad (facts) things about our resident devilish handsome gremlin. Even he defended Yohan when Elijah is so negative to her uncle (dad). There's few times I'm aware where Gaon is positive about his life, his future, that also is accompanied with anxiety in his part. The moment he does embrace what he think as positive, such as kissing Soohyun (sigh), she died.. in his arms no less.

This is why, it makes sense to me if Gaon locks his confession and swallows it down. Even tho his actions speak much, much louder. To me, Yohan would have the biggest probability to confess his feelings first (should the time & conditions align) and if his ego doesn't get in the way. It would help Gaon to open up, albeit with denial at first and Yohan would still be patient with this clumsy Bambi.

This, admittedly is the simple version, imo, of their miscommunication and suppressed feelings. I will tell you, these things I just wrote don't involve much of any variant of things that can make them go sideways or upside down. Such as, if they're faced with a certain problem, will my analysis stay true? What if they're in an alternate universe? Surely somethings will change and certain things will stay, but what? What if Gaon decides to be brave (or stupid and never learn) and confess anyway? What if, it will always lead to "disaster" the moment he's brave enough to take action? Or what if he decides to be brave, in means to throw his feeling away and not look back anymore yet Yohan reciprocates? Will he still be in denial or would he embrace it gladly albeit with fear when the other shoe is gonna drop? When will Yohan die? "Yohan is going to die the moment I confess, idk when, but I want to have a chance with him no matter how little time we have. I don't care anymore". Would he thought of that?

There's a lot of probability that can happen if I take out my feelings from these characters we all love dearly. Hence why we have fanfiction at our disposal for writers, artists, creators, readers, to enjoy whichever alternate or canon we can consume to satisfy our hunger. We need more domestic shit and porn of them if I may be bold— ahem. I am an artist who can draw these but I'm also an enjoyer, feed me pls I beg you. Give me more fuel, I'm greedy for them 🥲 The joy and pain being in a small community hahahah I love it all the same. I love all your edits, your analysis, the gifs, the fanfics, the drabbles, the delulu posts, everything!

I think this is one of the reasons why @amethystina story, Who Holds The Devil, is such a delicious treat for me. In some parts, most parts so far, her portrayals of Gahan's characteristics are similar to what I have in mind. And it's wonderful to see the different perspectives too from her take on their characters, it gives me more insight and more "out of my mind plot". I'm glad either way.

I have a few fanfic wips stored in my phone, 1 of them has this specific scenario where Yohan would be the one who's gonna confess first. And of course I'm making them explore their sexual experiences like a teenager and a deranged man. The perks of me never experienced any of those sexual things myself is that I can fantasize all I want and not get disappointed (yet, hopefully not) by reality lmao. TMI, my apologies.

Will these fics ever go into the light? I hope so, I just haven't invested my time into writing again as I've been investing them into my main hobby & job as an artist. I hope I can go back writing again when I'm able to set separate time for it. I want to share you some hot sexy and angsty love with this GaHan ship. There's always gonna be smut and giggling delivered by me to your screen if not tears and heartbreak like my previous Gahan break up fic ehe.

But anyway, I will stop my rambles here as I have to go back into my art commission. I need to proceed with the sketch revision before I dive into playing Monster Hunter World again

As always, thankyou if the lot of you are reading all this. If not have a great day anyways! 💖

[watermelinoe]

don't say that i want to read your isekai opinions

i feel like i am being buttered up here but i will allow it bc i do love talking abt isekai hehe ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

so for context what made me think more abt isekai as a genre was finishing the main story chapters of saving my sweetheart, which i think is really strong for the first two thirds and then loses it in the last third for reasons i will explain shortly

and i've had this issue w other isekai/regression manhwa (i pr much lump these together under the isekai umbrella even though it is not technically the same thing) where things are just too easy, one that comes to mind off the top of my head is i shall master this family, which has great art and i like that it's less focused on romance but i ended up getting bored bc the protagonist just. never loses. she can always use her past life experience to perfectly predict what will happen and completely curbstomp whoever her opponent is.

"but isn't that the appeal of an isekai??" you may ask and you would be INCORRECT, yes the wish fulfillment element of isekai is about getting a do-over, but more than that my favorite thing abt the genre is how it plays with expectations and the idea of fate/any kind of higher power that decides how things are "supposed" to be. and oftentimes this force is an active character and antagonist. i've seen several manhwa now where the characters essentially have to beat "god" in order to get their happy ending. there are no predestined endings and true love is the love you make with the person you choose, not someone who is chosen for you. soulmates are made, not created. these are all themes that are extremely important to me and why i think isekai as a genre works so well. i'm someone who LOVES tropes - as tv tropes always says, Tropes Aren't Bad. isekai plays with tropes like i used to play with my dinosaur toys. it's supposed to be self-aware, it's supposed to subvert expectations, it's supposed to be fun and genre savvy and meta. it's really a treat for people who care a lot about the mechanics of storytelling.

the working isekai formula relies on establishing the wish being fulfilled - why is this person being reincarnated? and the answer to that question generally determines how the story first plays out, which is typically one of two ways, where the female lead either has to claw her way up through obstacle after obstacle, or the female lead is immediately welcomed and loved in her new life (but often there is still some underlying conflict that keeps her from being at ease and embracing Happily Ever After, such as her knowledge of what's "destined" to happen in the future). the latter is more of a hurt/comfort trope usually following a depressing first life. in either case, at the beginning the female lead can rely on her insider knowledge to score some wins early on, but the essential key is that there comes a point where her past knowledge means nothing anymore because the story has changed too much. and usually there will be an additional twist as well. this is to keep things from being too easy for the female lead, because even in a revenge story, it's not actually satisfying to watch someone win over and over with no meaningful conflicts. the archvillain's daughter-in-law also has a female lead who seemingly never misses, but the difference is that she thinks her father-in-law is planning to kill her so his son can remarry the royal princess (divorce is illegal), and honestly at this point in the story without spoiling anything that still seems like a reasonable fear. so the story isn't boring because you have this conflict of interests, she's attached to her new family but also knows she needs to be dead for her father-in-law to accomplish his overall goal. i shall master this family doesn't seem to have that extra layer, everything just goes her way.

saving my sweetheart does a great job with challenging the female lead for the first ~90 or so chapters and then in the last third, i swear literally every single obstacle is squashed before you can even start to worry about it. including the main looming death flag introduced at the very beginning of the story. it just no longer matters at a certain point. and obviously as readers we know that these types of stories will work out in the end, but for some reason this story decided that the characters should know that, too. in the third act. they literally solve things by showing multiple characters the future. sorry but if the main characters already know it's going to be okay... why am i here exactly lol it was like the story said yeah yeah you know what it's gonna be like huh??? what a baffling choice

and it's dangerously easy for stories that use gods as major players to eliminate any real challenge for the main characters because they literally have the power of god and anime on their side. there has to be some excuse why whatever divine power can't just stomp the bad guys with a giant foot monty python style. it's also just.... less satisfying for a story to have the Ultimate Objective Good on the side of the main characters. Good is often Boring. i liked how flirting with the villain's dad portrayed its god as more human and flawed, like a greek god.

what really left a bad taste in my mouth by the end of saving my sweetheart was that fate was never against them in the first place, it was the villain who upset the balance, and the two Good gods just give the main characters the answers because fuck it, you all know how it's gonna turn out anyway, who are we kidding. there's an especially laughable moment at the end and this will be a spoiler, but when a major character has to go to the land of the dead at the end to persuade another character to come back to life, this character worries bc in the happy future he originally saw, he wasn't in it. and for a split second you think there's going to be a nice message because the major character says smth like "i can't guarantee the future but i know we would be less happy without you in it" BUT THEN the goddess literally just fucking SHOWS the dead guy the future with him in it to prove it will all be fine and i am still not over it because WHAT WAS THE POINT THEN, what was the point of any of it, no one had to be uncertain for a single fuckin second because yknow power of god and anime

and i feel like an insane person bc everyone else was just like "this felt kinda rushed" but i had this whole rant built up inside me lmao i am aware i'm too into this genre but i think there's interesting parallels you can make here to like, christian media and why it's boring...

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

So I was wondering if you could do like a Joel miller fanfic where reader ends up like el and is infected but not? And the reason this happened is bc Joel and reader were dating post outbreak but like during the outbreak Joel thought it be better if reader went with Tommy and all that jazz but how Joel and Eli find out is reader asks el how long she been infected and she says how ever long and reader kinda grins and say something along the lines of ‘damn a few months? Lucky try being infected for 2 years’

I as always switched thingies around but hey it's still along the lines. 😌🤍

You had been watching the newcomers for some time. It was natural that the town was slightly uneasy, especially since it had been quite a while since anyone new had arrived in Jackson. Naturally, people were scared of infection spreading or some unnecessary fighting breaking out. New people also meant that dynamics in work groups would have to change. And most weren't too eager to welcome new people for that reason alone.

Yet staying away got harder once you noticed how the kids had practicality isolated Ellie from their afternoon activities. She would always sit on her own, playing with her fingers, waiting for the man who she came here with to come by so she could run off. "You fancy a sandwich", the girl quickly turned your way, shaking her head. "I think you should eat it, I didn't see you eating anything today", you tried to encourage her by unwrapping the paper rapper from around the sandwich. "It's okay, dad made me breakfast", so dad, you thought to yourself, "Still think you should eat this. I'm known for making the best sandwiches here". A slight smile tugged on her lips as she took the sandwich away from your hands, thanking you quickly.

You two started to form a bond in the following weeks. You made sure that she was more involved with other kids, always standing by so she wouldn't feel all alone and Ellie had started to warm up to you to the point where even after all the kids have gone home, she would linger by your side as you two talked. She was a talkative kid and gosh did she have an option about everything. But you loved that about her, that still not crushed hope about the world.

You also met Joel. He had come looking for her when she hadn't returned home on time and found you two sitting by the strawberry patch laughing. Joel stopped in his track instantly. Sure, he had seen Ellie smiling, and had heard her laugh but this seemed a lot more wholehearted. He always feared that one thing he couldn't give Ellie was a mother figure. Yes, he could be the protector, he could keep her safe, teach her a thing or two, love her the best that he could but... Every girl needed a mother.

"Joel, come by, the strawberries are so ripe", Ellie shouted at him, waving her hand happily. The moment he found you smiling at him, Joel could swear his heart nearly burst. He didn't remember the last time someone looked at him like that. So he inched closer, looking over Ellie quickly, making sure she wasn't harmed in no way before he sat down beside her. "Joel Miller", the male held out a hand to you. You let out a light laugh, "Oh, I'm aware, heard quite a lot about you", Joe instantly turned to Ellie who was happily smirking. No, he didn't want to know what that little monster had told you. "Y/N Y/L/N, happy to finally properly meet you", you shook his hand, before encouraging him to eat.

So now Joel made sure to always stop by to pick Ellie up. While it truly was just an excuse to see you. Soon most of your evenings were spent at their place as you taught them some easy recipes to cook. Because all the two of them knew was how to warm up canned food and with all the fresh produce it was a shame to only eat canned ravioli.

"So... are you two coming to the gathering tomorrow?", you three sat around the table eating. Jackson always had these town gatherings. Lots of baked goods, warm drinks, music, lights, and dancing. A way to keep humanity going in a way. But also a chance to form stronger bonds, and ensure that everyone was well and taken care of. "Joel hates things like that", Ellie said bluntly, earning a light kick from Joel from under the table. "Not true, we were coming", he said firmly, "Didn't you just yesterday...", "Eat the vegetables, kid", Joel said firmly, "Are you coming?". You nodded your head, "Responsible for one of the stands actually. Need to build it still, but my hammering skills...", you trailed off, laughing slightly. "I can do it for you, tell me what you need. I'll build it", Joel insisted. Ellie looked up at him curiously, the eager side of him when it came to you making her rather suspicious. And well making it obvious that the old man liked you. "Oh I wouldn't want to bother...", "Nonsense, I would be happy to help and Ellie can also help, right?", Joel shot the girl beside him a look and she quickly turned to you nodding, "Just not promising that I won't eat most of it". You let out a laugh that the two of them joined instantly. The warm feeling builds up in your chest.

Joel was at your door early in the morning the next day, starting on building the stand while you and Ellie twirled around the kitchen. It was the closest Ellie and Joel had been to normality since the outbreak. The closest they had felt to home. And watching you gently kissing the side of Ellie's head while she poured flour into the bowl, making Joel's heart beat just a little bit faster. A happy smile spread on his face.

And the day truly had been so much fun. Joel wasn't in the front lines of it all, choosing to stand more to the side as he watched over the two of you. Handing out slices of pies and smiling at people walking by. All so calm and wholesome until Ellie reaches up for the upper box that held the rest of the baked goods you two made. Her sleeve moved down her arm, revealing the bite mark on her skin.

A shriek echoed through the square. People instantly started to back away. Fingers pointed at Ellie, "Infected", someone shouted. Some of the guards rushed over with the guns. You moved closer to Ellie, pushing her behind you, and her trembling hands reached out to hold onto you. "Move to the side, Y/N, we need to shoot her", Ben the morning guard said coldly, motioning with his gun for you to stand to the side. You saw Joel walking closer to you two, a gun in his own hands, aimed at the grounds. "Lower the guns, all of you", you said firmly, glancing between the males, "Lower them before someone gets hurt".

You felt Ellie pressing her head against your back, you didn't even have to look at her to know that she was probably crying. "Think about it, they have been here for months. The site is healed. If she was to turn she would have already", you said calmly. The last thing you needed was for the mass panic to break out. You caught Tommy's eyes, the knowing look there didn't seem to soothe you. In a way, it seemed more like a silent plea to not do it.

"I don't want to shoot you too, Y/N", Ben said. Joel instantly stepped closer to you, face drenched in rage. And you knew that if he truly wanted to, he could kill them all in the blink of an eye before they even placed their finger on the trigger. "She's not infected, Ben", "How would you know that? I haven't been working my ass off for some little infected shit to take it all away", he bit back, motioning to the other guys to surround you. "Pick your fucking words carefully or I'll blow out your brain", Joel barked at him. And the moment the two of them aimed their guns at one another you ripped your hand out of Ellie's grip, pulling the side of your shirt by your neck to the side. A couple of gasps came from around you, "Cause I've had this for over two years, Ben, and as you can see I haven't eaten your brain. Even if now it sounds fucking delightful now".

You turned around, taking a hold of Ellie's hand. Quickly wiping away the tears that had already dampened your cheeks from the awoken memories. You placed a hand on Joel's arm, quietly asking him to lower the gun and just come with you. You knew that if they were going to shoot you, they would have already. So you wrapped your hand around Joel's arm, tugging lightly. Before Joel finally budged. Continuously looking over his shoulder as you three headed back home.

The moment the door was closed behind you. Joel kneeled in front of Ellie looking her over just how he always did, before bringing her closer to his chest. You stood there staring ahead of yourself. You never imagined that you would be in a position like this. Never imagined that you would have to let more people in on the secret and now most of Jackson knew.

You felt a gentle hand being placed on your shoulder. You shook slightly but once you met Joel's concerned eyes, you just stepped closer, wrapping your arms around his torso, letting him hold you just for a moment. Letting his warmth seep into your body. Ground you. Make you feel safe once again. "You're also immune?", Ellie's voice made you lift your head from Joel's chest as you nodded your head. "It happened while I was out on patrol with Tommy and Maria. I begged them to shoot me but they refused. They left me there alone and... I just...", you trailed off, Joel's hand ran up and down your back. Closing your eyes for a moment you tried to steady your breathing, "I never turned and then I found my way to Jackson after a month. They haven't told anyone what truly happened".

Ellie inched closer to you, wrapping her arms around your middle. You moved your hands to run through her hair, "They won't touch you, I promise", you spoke softly. "Your scar is cool though", she muttered and you couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Try hiding it for two years though. A nightmare", you admitted, leaning back into Joel's chest. His arms held onto your sides tenderly. As he places a loving kiss on the side of your head. Now well aware that he had you both to protect. No matter what it took. He was going to keep you both safe.

[zaenaris]

I spoke with someone (who is anime only) and they told me that Koko wouldn't probably have gotten as much obesssed by money if he saved Akane and that Inupi was the one to have need of operations or he or he would have sseing how much Akane was upset because of her little brother's state.

Personally i'm not agree. Koko and Inupi were probably friends for years because Akane acted very familiar with Koko, so she knew him for a while.

And i'm sure that losing Inupi would have had a most terrible impact on Koko, because his feelings for Akane were a puppy crush and when he would have grow up our of it he would be shallowed by guilt to have not even thought to Inupi, to not have had enough money to save him. The feelings to be empty, the feeling to have been a horrible friend, the feeling of shame, and the guilt to not have saved him....it would have destroyed him.

He recovered from not have been able to save Akane and has Inupi to be here and to patiently wait him to get over his obessession but surely he wouldn't have recovered to have lost Inupi because nobody would have been here for him.

Maybe Akane would have tried to help but maybe Koko would have distanced himself from her because she looks too much like Inupi.

I agree with you @naehja

I understand that for anime-only people it may be difficult to understand immediately Koko and Inupi's backstory, there's a lot of new info, a lot of trauma and guilt involved, I understand it can be overwhelming and even readers had to re-read the whole story, analyzing the situation because, while I believe Wakui wanted Koko and Inupi story to be treated as a romantic one, (because the way he writes them and the tropes he uses for them, are strongly romantic-coded), I understand there are many levels of reading in their whole story and that

1)maybe Wakui wanted us to read it as romantic but decided to leave things a little ambiguous, just because, or

2)or what we saw in the manga is the best he could do, given the industry isn't the most queer-friendly around;

3)or he purposely decided to let readers free to have their own interpretation, romantic or not

but ultimately, if even now, when the story ended a year ago and we have plenty of confirmations regarding Koko andd Inupi's feelings for each other, manga readers still insists that Koko was an insensitive asshole that used Inupi "because he looks like his sister", then I fear we have a problem.

But this person you talked with is an anime-only, they still don't know how their last meeting before Bonten arc goes, etc etc, so I can understand if they are confused.

The problem is that many times people forget that, trauma or not, kissing your male friend when you're a boy yourself and you're perfectly aware of you you are kissing and what you are doing, isn't a very super-straight thing to do, especially when the writer made Akane (that in-universe represents both Koko's guilt and conscience) said to Koko "kiss only the person you like".

I understand many people (*cough*homophobic dudebros, generally*cough) prefer to see boy killing and do the worse thing to each other, but boys liking boys do indeed exist.

As us kokonui shippers always said, and as it was recently confirmed once again in the exhibition by Wakui in the extra chapter, Koko's crush on Akane was just that, an innocent crush that naturally faded; it became a major trauma only because Akane died an Koko felt guilty he couldn't protect her: at that point it wasn't even bc he had a crush at that time, it was because he felt he failed her, a nice, gentle girl, a person he cared about and that didn't deserve that terrible fate.

We know that in the end, with time and Inupi's help, Koko gets over -or at least, start to understand he can live without- his trauma and choses to be with Inupi as he always wanted, but without guilt.

In the end, if Akane survived and Inupi died, there would have been no one as close as Inupi has always been to Koko to help him, as you said.

Akane probably only knew Koko as Seishu's friend, otherwise they'd had no reason to interact, and Koko would have felt even guiltier for not thinking immediately to his friend; of course he'd be happy Akane is safe, but he would hate himself even more for not saving Seishu. I fear he would have kept making money but this time there would have been no one around trying to make him reason and make him realize he could live a life without his guilt, because, as we said, I doubt Akane and Koko would have any reason to interact without Seishu and in time, as we saw, Koko's crush was meant to fade anyway.

[uniiiquehecrt]

Thor Odinson

tagged by : @beheworthy bc i would ALWAYS like 💖💖💖

Give me a fictional character and I will say:

Favorite thing about them: His big dumb hero's heart. His compassion. How much he loves his home, his people, his family, his beloved, his friends — how much he loves.

Least favorite thing about them: //stares pointedly at his inability to form meaningful connections because Thor is Not Allowed to be Not Okay (even when it's obvious and people he loves asks him to share his heart).

Three things I have in common with them:

I am, myself, an elder sibling!! And one whose younger brother was/is someone I am incredibly close to, care a great deal about — that entire drama is very close to home for me.

A passion bubble for friends and family that's, on occasion, close to the surface... but otherwise am chill 👍

and .... bunt out golden child syndrome vibes. Especially that vibe of "do it on your own and put on your leader face at all times, because all eyes are on you, good luck"

Three things I don’t have in common with them:

His ... overly reserved nature. I've been told I can be serious but I don't think I brood the way he does.

One day I will be nearly half as eloquent in my speech outside of writing 🙏

The way that Thor is able to just command a room???? Goals. Total goals. I'm either very good at directing conversations or shaky at it and I wish I had Thor's level of confidence.

Favorite line:

"i would rather be a good man than a great king."

OR ALTERNATIVELY.

"is that why everything's on fire~?"

BROTP: Brodinsons 100% . Then the entire warriors + sif squad dynamics! I'm forever sad we never got more of them all together. Then Heimdall, because Thor deserves positive mentor figures in his life. (and as far as the avengers proper go: Thor/Steve absolutely deserves more recognition they were the og duo as far as Age of Ultron is concerned and y'all , we've all been sleeping.)

OTP: Fosterson ! :D They're adorable star-crossed lovers, and he loves her very much. (and she feels the same for him !)

NOTP: if i see (1) more fan art of thorki in the thor tag i will scream. I guess also bruce/thor and valkyrie/thor exist ...??? I'm not really sure who Thor's exactly shipped with in the MCU besides Jane.

Random Headcanon: One time I considered the thought of little!Thor being exceptionally friendly with his kitchen staff servants, and because he's a strong little guy, he'd pick up giant barrels 3x his size and lug them around just because he wants to be helpful. And he'd do it with or without the prize of getting snuck goodies (though he would definitely prefer the goodies, were it up to him.)

Unpopular Opinion: I'm not sure if this counts as an unpopular opinion exactly, but I do always find it interesting that in the Frozen Vault Scene in Thor (2011), what the cinematography and editors show us that sets Thor off is seeing the dead einherjar...

And I'd actually say that this triggers his anger more than the interruption of his crowning ceremony.

So with that in mind, I'm not actually sure that (most of) his rage regarding the situation was about the coronation at all, in that case. At least, not in comparison to the fear he states (semi-subtextually) about being strong enough to maintain Asgard's borders were. ("They know you are vulnerable.")

He actually seems to only be upset about the coronation AFTER Odin makes it very clear he's decided to change his mind and rescind the crown from him entirely ... which only further fuels the point that Thor isn't ready. (aka: the one thing Thor is keenly aware of, scared of, and is scared the Frost Giants also know.) Which, you know, he's not at that point in time, but I don't see a lot of people talk about the details of that particular inciting incident all that much.

(honestly the ENTIRE text and subtext of the frozen vault scene absolutely FASCINATES ME so maybe I'll do a deep dive on it one day idk)

Song SONGS I associate with them: ... //looks at my 5-minutes-until-13 hr playlist uh...

Glowing, Boreas, and Rounds by The Oh Hellos

Plant Life, The Real World, and Bird with a Broken Wing by Owl City

No Sanctuary by UNSECRET (ft. Sam Tinnesz and Fleurie)

Afterglow and Places by Portrair

Paper and Ink (fosterson) and Everything Changes in Time (brodinsons) by Madds Buckley ... also Hoping on Another Life by Madds Buckley

Favorite picture of them:

//pulls out my entire dark world screenshots folder bc are you really going to make me choose, quirks, are you really going to make me choose

soft beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺 precious boy ... give me more of that poncho look tho thanks

Tagging: @darkwee009 for pinkie pie or for kirby ! :D whichever you'd like more, friend !!!

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates

[colorlesschristmastree]

I was wondering who ran the justfeysand acc? it’s no longer active & i loved that account for us feyre girlies 😭 or queerincrisis too who i used to love. i’ll never forget when of the coolest people deactivated from fandom and their name was hotdiscodauce ..wherever you are hotdiscosauce feyre girls miss you. cant even blame people for saying “fuck this” lmao. i love feyre too much to crumble though so i suffer thru the toxicity of this fandom just to ride for my girl !!

the only thing that could make me inactive is if she doesn’t do shit in hofas while nesta’s mid self gets a pov while also being randomly paired with bryce when really that should be feyre. if the pregnancy ends up as a plot device to sideline her or the bargain i know ill be pissed and leave. especially if she has no cute scenes with bryce. just bc they aren’t that similar doesn’t mean i want to see bryce with nesta and bryce of all characters. and it better not just be rhys in the spotlight for hofas with amren sjm since only they know the language

Hiii! So sorry for responding late to this but I actually have the answers to your ails! Justfeysand was ran by my sweet sweet moot who has just become a little busy and less interested in SJM recently. Fear not though my dear anon for she is still here in the form of @moonfyre-s!! Aggressively defending our high lady Feyre and also giving us some darklina and miscellaneous content.

And the lovely aqueerincrisis is still here as well!! You can find them dishing out their hot takes on @acourtofcriticalthinking! Dw nonnie, our love for Feyre will always be there even as our interests and lives change :)

Honestly I'm very aware of the fact that I haven't been as active lately and I feel really bad about it, I still do reblogs and such but I just haven't been making as much original content recently. I've been trying to cut down on the anti content I post here and keep more of my criticisms in the Feyre server, I don't have a lot of energy to actually argue on here like I used to so I just talk my shit over there. Once cc3 comes out and I get Feyre crumbs though I swear I will be back to yapping, I just need more juice for my inspiration to come to me.

Some people in the Feyre server and I might be rereading the series after we've all wrapped up cc3 though so I'll def make some content during that. :) And I completely agree with everything you said, I don't really care that Nesta is going to be talking with Bryce as it is just a bonus chapter and I'm of the belief those genuinely aren't that important and only exist for marketing and to possibly build some excitement about certain things, I just hope that during their brief time in cc3 all of the acotar characters Feyre get treated well and we get some interesting scenes from them.

I'm not really a fan of cc3 theories that put one acotar character as objectively more important than others in the grander scheme of the SJM multiverse. I think they're all just cogs in one large machine and all these theories saying "X character is actually going to be the key player because of Y reasons!" is always silly to me. Tbh I'm not really a huge fan of the acotar characters becoming things outside of the context of their own universe/stories (if that makes sense)? Why can't they just be helping Bryce out? Why must one of them secretly be the key to everything? Or the Mother? Or the CC gods? Or a prince of Hel? BLAH!

anyways I got off track! It's so sweet that you noticed those two blogs were missing and they were both very touched when I told them I had an anon reach out to inquire about their wellbeing. You're a sweetheart!

[edelgarfield]

alright bestie i finished chapter eight and i just needed to thank you for destroying me and then subsequently putting me back together multiple times in a row. the comfort at the end though made all the days months years of the past installments worth it!!!!

to get personal with you for a moment— your characterization of durge in this series has been both so painful and so comforting for me. i recently started a partial-inpatient program for depression recovery, which i attend 30 hours a week. soon after starting, and with some help, it became blatantly clear how much self-loathing and contempt i hold for myself. at times, it feels like looking at durge is like looking in a mirror. the lack of self-worth, constant feelings of inadequacy, drive for perfectionism, and the absence of purpose. though the reflection is painful, i am now receiving the support i need to recognize where change needs to be made so i can heal after all these years. thank you thank you thank you, endlessly. you touched a part of me that i have always invalidated and has never felt seen<3

oh anon thank you so much! And I'm very glad the catharsis was worth it, it was definitely a long journey to get to this point & there's still a long journey to go.

And thank you so much for sharing your struggles, it really warms my heart to hear other people can see Durge the way I do, and understand how they reflect actual real world struggles that people go through.

Durge as a character means a lot to me for very similar reasons. I was (finally) diagnosed with BPD at the very beginning of 2023, & I've written about it through fanfic a number of times, but i struggle a lot with being unable to control/regulate my emotions and having unhealthy or irrational thoughts. I don't have violent intrusive thoughts like Durge, though some people do, but I struggle a lot with feelings of jealousy & possessiveness towards the people I'm closest to.

(under the cut bc this got so far away from me)

I'm self-aware enough to know when those thoughts are unhealthy & that it would be wrong to act on them. But for the longest time I was so ashamed of those feelings that I couldn't even bring them up in therapy. I would talk about the depression & anxiety those thoughts caused me, but I couldn't bring myself to say "I have an unhealthy obsession with my best friend" or "I don't want my friends to hang out with anyone else but me." and it's not a thought that I can just brush off, there's a very strong desire to act on those fears, to the point where it's extremely painful not to, but at the same time I know acting on them is wrong.

i think when it comes to mental health, it's gotten much easier to talk about being depressed or anxious, and those are things even people who aren't mentally ill can conceptualize. like everyone gets sad and stressed out from time to time. but i think it's a lot harder and there isn't nearly as much openness about the more "unsavory" symptoms like intrusive thoughts or violent impulses. i think those are things that are much harder to relate to, even among mentally ill people themselves. and the constant shame & guilt of dealing with those things is absolutely gut-wrenching.

even when I did finally start talking about these things in therapy, there was still this shame that followed me through every interaction. I'm in a place where I'm able to handle myself and my emotions, but they're still THERE. i'm certainly better at managing them than i was when i was younger, but my emotions & impulses are still largely outside of my control. with work they can get better over time, but that doesn't help me much NOW. i would constantly think "if my friends knew about my obsessions/jealousy/etc they would hate me." it's a huge burden to feel like there's a part of yourself that's inherently unlovable, and feeling the need to keep it under lock and key is so incredibly stressful.

with my therapist's help, I talked about this stuff with my friends for the first time a while back, and i feel so much lighter now not having to carry that guilt on my shoulders all the time. it's truly a lifechanging experience to be able to show someone the parts of yourself you're most ashamed of and have them love you anyway. my friends & i will actually joke about my obsessions w/ people, or wild things i've done to get people to like me and it's just... nice to be able to talk abt these things and have them be treated like something normal. dealing w/ these feelings & impulses has been such a huge part of my life for as long as i can remember and for the majority of my life i thought it was a burden i had to bear alone. but even just telling my friends about it has made it so much easier to deal w/ bc i'm not constantly carrying around the shame & guilt i did before. & my friends have taken steps to make things a bit easier on me, which i never thought anyone would be willing to do. i hope that everyone can get that experience of being loved unconditionally bc i've healed more in the past couple years than i did in the two and a half decades that came before.

anyway. that was a lot. but my point is that even though Durge is a video game character & their affliction is a magical one & not a mental illness (though i'm sure living with the urge would almost certainly lead to one if it wasn't already there) a lot of the struggle they go through is very real to me. like i said, I don't have violent thoughts/impulses, but i know what it's like to feel completely out of control & to think/want something intensely that disgusts you. that lack of control & shame has made it so difficult to let people in over the course of my life.

much the way they latch onto their identity as the party's leader, i've latched onto various titles & accomplishments because I felt like I didn't have anything else to hold onto. to this day, i joke about getting a degree everyone told me would be extremely hard, not because i was passionate about it, but because I was so attached to my identity as "the smart person" that I felt like a failure if I went for something "easier." and when the only thing I know myself as is "smart" i can't let other people see me be emotionally vulnerable, bc that'll shatter the persona i've crafted, and who am i going to be if i'm not that? it's the same for durge as a leader, letting their friends in isn't JUST about being seen as weak, it's about losing what little sense of identity they have, it's abt losing control of the way other people see them, one of the very few things that IS under their control, it's abt letting people get close enough to see the parts of themselves they've worked so hard to hide.

a sentiment that often gets floated abt people with BPD in particular is the idea that our negative emotions are extremely powerful, but so are our positive ones, & we love very intensely. That's how I see my version of Durge, the Urge is extremely strong & powerful, but so is their capacity for love & their drive to protect the people they care abt. when I was reading fic abt Durge prior to writing the series, there's a lot of depiction of the Urge as something that exists wholly separate from Durge themselves, & that's something that gets floated in the game itself, too. and i think that's a valid interpretation, but for me, my unhealthy & impulsive thoughts ARE part of me. hopefully with time & effort they're a part of me that can be unlearned, but it's still me. and that's something I really wanted to dig into & convey when writing Durge.

I think there are parts of Durge that are universally understandable like feeling guilt & struggling to become a better person, and those get explored a lot in fandom. but like i said abt mental illness before, I think there are parts of Durge that are extremely unpleasant that people struggle to depict in their characters without conceptualizing it as a different person, or a part of Durge that's been abandoned post-tadpole, or they only get discussed when it comes to characters that embrace the Urge. but for me, it's those unpleasant parts that I find most horrific & most relatable. Like it isn't just the horror of having intrusive thoughts, or the horror of losing control of your own body, it's having those horrific thoughts about things you know are wrong and disgusting but still desiring them anyway, and the shame that comes with that.

like obviously the Urge itself is a magical influence, but in many ways it's still a part of them, and their sense of self and identity is tangled up in it. Durge would not be the same character if you removed the Urge, their sense of morality & desires & what's important to them would not develop the same way, and it's something they actively have to manage & be aware of, much like I have to constantly assess myself for whether the Disorder is taking over. the Durge that existed pre-tadpole has a lot of things in common w/ Durge post-tadpole, whether you view them as different people or not.

i've very obviously never been in Durge's position, but a lot of their feelings & thoughts are heavily inspired by my own experiences dealing with destructive impulses & a lack of identity. in a lot of ways they remind me of myself at my worst (though again, i've never killed anyone, asleep or otherwise). the support they eventually receive in game (particularly after the "kill your lover" scene) and that I wrote them receiving in the most recent update were things I desperately needed/wanted when I was struggling, and something I think everyone deserves. the fact that fans can look at Durge & feel compassion for them despite how unpleasant the Urge is, and how awful their past actions are makes me feel like people might actually be able to feel sympathy for me and gives me a way to explain what it's like to feel completely out of control in your own body.

much like Durge, the thing that finally drove me to start working on myself in earnest a couple years ago was the love I had for my friends, and realizing that the way i was loving them at the time was extremely unhealthy for both of us. i'm very lucky to have met my current friends & to have made it this far despite having struggled for so long. my hope is that other people can see themselves in the version of Durge I've written, or even if they can't, that they can understand more and be more compassionate towards people who need it. it makes me so so happy to hear my work has helped you. i wish you nothing but the best and i hope you continue to heal & get the support you need.