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#(also what if it feels too big and lonely)
phantomrose96 · 2 years
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Absolutely not saying this as any kind of complaint over my luck of achieving homeownership:tm:, but as I'm figuring out the logistics of moving my brain sure has found Every Possible Thing to be anxious about. Some of them being kind of reasonable things like "what if I miss my old apartment" "what if I don't like my new place as much" "what if homeownership is too complicated" and "oh god - oh god that was so much money", but also the absolute batshit left-field ones like "what if I suddenly want to move to Chicago (something I have never thought about once before in my life) and now that will be incredibly more difficult to achieve"
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moe-broey · 2 days
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Adjacent topic, but. One of my favorite things actually is when Alfonse pulls the player aside and is like "Let me think out loud real quick." and when the situation calls for it, "Also what do you think?" Like obviously this happens so much across any game ever, especially ones that have a designated partner character. But it feels so special to me...
Especially with Alfonse, especially when he calls the summoner by name. He didn't used to do that!! In the very beginning!!! And he slips up, as Lif. Trying So hard to take it back. It just feels so personal... 🥲🥺
#i have no greater point here i just like it a lot.#like to me i feel like he has that deep unique bond that the pmd2 partner has w the player#again could just be. two games w a designated partner character. but to me personally how i feel.#like i feel like it's comparable actually esp the way your partner pokemon will pull you aside too#making a point to include you. and also will just talk at you extensively LMFAOO but it's okay 😊💖#but also it just feels SO special and so personal and so rewarding from alfonse in particular.#like this guy did Not want that. he was so scared of that. he's also just one big loss away from feeling like he's lost it all.#one thing about me is that i don't agree. w how he feels about losing friends. i think it's okay. i think it's for the best.#i'm not lonely and sometimes it's a relief. knowing i'll never have to see that person again.#even when there's no hard feelings. even when i geniunely liked that person and they liked me well enough.#i just tell myself it's for the best. they'll move on without me. i'll cherish the memory. i hope they forget me.#but even as i say that it's like. i don't know how true it holds. but i do know it's fine to leave actually.#and i do know i'm not lonely. i've made peace w it a long time ago. i'm content by myself. i keep myself occupied.#meanwhile. i am always obsessing over what alfonse says and what he feels and i feel a DEEP. DEEP SEATED NEED.#to pelt him w rocks. FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤#this is why moe exists. the vessel. to pelt him w rocks.#fe alfonse
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tirfpikachu · 3 months
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broooo not my ex making posts abt how hard it is to come to terms with being conventionally attractive while having low self-esteem issues and how wild it is to get compliments randomly on their appearance when they go out and how they're worried that their new transmasc boytoy is only into them bc they're hot -_- i'm tired... meanwhile i'm just seen as a gremlin now that i'm not hyperfem... they truly have the biggest issues in the world lol
also they were like "omg turns out i'm not ace i just needed a bf lol" and i'm like yeah. i know. you've been lusting after male characters for years. you were horny as fuck just not for me bc i didn't transition. you only made moves on me when you were bored, lonely or drunk. i always asked if that was the case and you were like no baby it's just your insecurities i don't need you to transition uwu. for 5 years. my trust issues are thru the roof now yayyyyy /dies
#lay text#i'm being mean and petty ugh#my heart kinda hurts but talking w my counsellor abt it helped#it rly helps to have a neutral third party to vent to#also i still think my ex is a good person i don't actually hate them i love them as a friend. but i do hate what they did to me#i hate that they went along w us dating bc they're too much of a doormat. i hate that they thought abt breaking up w me for years#but never told me bc they were worried i wouldn't survive without them financially or emotionally#feels so fucking infantilizing#now i'm so much better off without them despite being broke#that was my first and only real relationship my first time my first everything. i'm so embarrassed wtf i was RIGHT i was right all along#i was right it wasn't just insecurities they straight up never wanted me they wanted future transitioned male-passing me#it was all lies!!! from the get-go!!! meanwhile i did so much romantic bullshit and i was wearing rose colored glasses!!!!#and i was a big dyke. being with a woman who identified as a woman would've made me 2000x happier anyway. we could've just stayed roommates#i'm so bitter guys. i feel so jaded but i'm trying not to be :/#and now they have so much luck in their love life#and i'm just a lonely gremlin dyke who only attracts polyam/casual girls who only want me on the side#where tf is my love story :'( i've been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to gain my ex's affection for 5 freaking years i was the most loveydovey g#i deserve a love story i think i've really earned it by now!!!!!#so much love to give#now they have it so easy wtf. feels unfair ngl. i'm happy for them obviously they deserve happiness too. but i am still bitter >:/#trying to process these feels instead of repressing them for once. i have a tendency to bottle up angst bc i think i'm bad for being mad#but nope those r healthy emotions!!! i can work thru this#it just sucks#if you read all of this bs i give you a cookie 🍪 <3
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melloneah · 2 months
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why isnt the concept of ‘friend crushes’ more widely talked about??? everyone i mention it to is like ‘OHHHHHH YEA I HAVE THAT HAPPEN ALL THE TIME!!!!’ >:(((( dude!!!! it should be as normalised as regular crushes. there r people i feel an intense platonic admiration towards but it’s so weird to say ‘hey u wanna be besties???’. IT SHOULDNT THO. why can u say ‘im in love with you i wanna date u’ but not ‘i admire u so much i so badly wanna be one of your best friends and get to know u from the inside out’ ?????!??!?!!?
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kavehater · 3 months
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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eorzeanflowers · 1 year
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it’s late night, so it’s time to think irrationally again
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whomturgled · 8 months
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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marraletta · 1 year
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I SAW RIN THE HECKERS POST ON LIFESTEAL TMA AND I AM HAVING SO MANY THOUGHTS!!!!
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yay-depression · 1 year
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every day i set expectations and every day i’m reminded why i told myself not to do that
#feelings past 4 pm aren’t real anyways#it’s fine#my parents: tells me a gift is one thing#me: oh ok! cool!#me then actually trying to use it and realizing it is in fact nothing like they said: oh#was it a mistake? probably.#does it fall a little too neatly into a pattern of my parents simply forgetting or messing up things for/to do with me?#absolutely :)#just once i would like to go one holiday without being reminded that my parents actually don’t pay that much attention to ne#that would be nice#they’re getting better at least#my mom is starting to remember what kind of foods i at least don’t like#wish they’d stop repeatedly asking me things bc they seem to fucking ignore my answer every time but that’s a big ask from them so…#also wish they’d stop implying that the things i mention aren’t worth talking about but that’s an even bigger ask#it’s been a rough holiday season tbh#morbid humor about attempted offing of oneself coming up#my grandpa used to say the holidays were when he got the most ‘bridge jumpers’ as he used to call them (he was a psychiatrist)#and when i went to SC everyone was like ‘huh yeah ig that makes sense kind of wonder why tho’#as i was sitting there for like most of the holiday going#‘god i fucking hate my life’ and being so fucking lonely around ppl who were supposed to be my closest family members#it’s 12:47 happy fucking new year to me#great start to the year tatum crying alone in your bed waiting on texts from two separate people that won’t come#while your parents sleep for another 9 hours before they wake up and start asking passive aggressive questions#while they give you disappointed looks when you say that you are actually trying to rest over your winter break#only to then go to the movies with you best friends who you aren’t actually super close with bc no one you know really does emotional stuff#so then you get to go back home and cry yourself to sleep again (this is literally the third day in a row i’ve done this)#and feel alone despite having ppl who are supposed to love you :))#feelings past 4 pm aren’t real feelings past 4 am aren’t real feelings past 4 pm aren’t real#i think i’m getting depressed again /gen#can you tell?? /s
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itwasmagic · 2 years
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i love iris in the holiday so much. she wasn’t the regular hollywood rom com type that’s relatable but you still somehow don’t actually relate to, she was a regular person who was lonely and sad but stayed kind and warm the entire time 🥺
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thatdemiboymess · 13 days
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Both my computers have given up on life and I am so sad and so very bored. Couldn't even do my full Gaia dailies, today. 😞
#fae irl#i tried to get the laptop to work at least but nope#itll run kali but wont run windows and while indonhave kali on it i dont actually have the login stuff for it#my partner put kali on there ages ago when i first got it to see if hed like to use it and then couldnt uninstall it or whatever#its been a pain in my ass ever since cause when the laptop forst boots up inonly have a few seconds to tap down to the windows system before#kali boots up by default which we also do not know how to change#and now it taunts me oh so viciously#because i dont know the login for it and its the only operating system my laptop is willing to run now#windows is claiming i have a hard drive issue on the laptop so refuses to run#spent like 5 hours doing everything i could to get it to work today with no luck#and we still dont know what exactly is wrong with my desktop either#.....im really just feeling like theres no reason for me to bother even waking up anymore asdfghjkll--#my entire life is confined to inside this apartment man#to the point my partners mom apparently looked him in the eyes and straight up told him#that my lifestyle is going to lead to early onset alzheimers lolol#(<- this is not funny at all im just lolol-ing because i dont know how else to cope with that)#its not even like i really want to live like this either man...but like??? what else is there???#im disabled and live on a big ass hill with no sidewalks and i have no money and every free space is a parking lot and you can get arrested#for loitering everywhere you go and theres nothing to do at what one park there is here if it even really counts as a park#industrial hellscape#and im not really allowed outside by myself and even if i were at this point id be too scared to go outbon my own...like...its been 5 years#...i havent been outside by myself in like 5 or 6 years now man...#and i have no friends either#im lonely and scared and bored and depressed tbh#oh well#at least i have tumblr where i can just say stuff into the void#even if it just gets lost out there
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vagueiish · 3 months
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i don’t wanna have to be the one to reach out to people i think are cool to maybe try and strike up a friendship
i want people to look at me and be like ‘aw, yeah, that dweeb is pretty rad, actually, i wanna be their friend’ and then actually talk to me and then become friends with me
#it’s about the validation you see#it’s about me being worth something in the eyes of others and them wanting me around for me#not even in a bad mood rn. feeling p okay#just……lonely? i guess?#there are people i wanna be friends with but like….idk. if they actually wanted to be friends with me they’d reach out right?#it doesn’t count t if im the one to do it. then there’s a good chance they’re just humoring me or pitying me too much to be like ‘piss off’#but if they make the first move? that means i’m Somebody#though it’s not like i’d know what to do if anyone *was* like ‘bro you’re rad as hell’#other than nod silently and stare like o_o#so i guess im doomed to be a lonely emo kid forever……#someone once told me i have a skewed perception of myself but idk. if that were true….#i wouldn’t merely be tolerated#people would want me around. right?#i wouldn’t have to be the one to reach out.#but i am. and that’s kinda sad. in a pathetic way. yknow?#though i suppose this is kind of selfish….#im not even gonna entertain the idea that people actually look at me like ‘golly i sure wish they were *my* friend’#and secretly admire me but are too shy or scared or whatever to reach out#my imagination isn’t a bloody contortionist#i know im not so amazing as to have silent admirers#but i also know i kind of suck at talking irl so maybe my inability to respond like a human makes it seem like i despise the interaction#rather than the truth that i suck at talking. maybe people have tried and im just too big a dingus to realize#…#but i doubt it lol#to the void with love
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deityofhearts · 4 months
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rn I’m getting through life by romanticizing the idea of me living in a bigger city (not like. new york sized but like just one of our bigger neighboring cities) and working as a librarian or library assistant there or something and having a quiet simply life and a regular routine that I go about
#deity dialogue#or like working at a book store#idk in my head it’s a simply cozy life it’s nothing big or special but it’s nice and comforting to me#I wear silly little outfits I go to nice shops in my spare time then I return home to sit in my room with fluffy and draw#that’s my dream#and I have enough money to live comfortably god#idk I fluctuate on things like#I do not wanna live where I live now like the white county I don’t wanna be here#but idk where else I’d go in the world like idk where to travel or where else to live#so I’d probably still be in the south and still close to where I live now but about an hour or so out of the way which isn’t too far#there’s more to do where I wanna live there’s more places to work more places to go for funsies more places to live etc#where I live at is just. I’m sorry it’s shit the whole area sucks as do the surrounding areas there’s nothinggggg#I don’t want to live here all my life I’m already miserable enough I don’t wanna be even more miserable by never leaving#and yeah the other place isn’t that far away but maybe I’d be happier there? in a place with more to do more people to meet etc etc#idk#I also am aware it would cost more but everything is already expensive may as well try somehow#if I can manage to save money and get a job in that city somehow then I could start saving more and then my roommates and I could move there#idk just agh. ideally I’d live somewhere even farther even more interesting and lively but again idk where I’d even go and I know my#roommates wouldn’t wanna go much farther than where we already have talked about for their own reasons#but I’m not someone who can live alone just too much fear and paranoia. my ideal living situation is to live with other people and we’re all#in equal standing and like have equal responsibilities and pay and manage everything equally which is what my roommates and I plan#those two would be able to live on their own fine and I envy that I’m just too anxious to be alone plus just. I can’t conceive being alone#I would be too lonely and depressed lmao I like having another persons presence ya know?#anyways idk why I’m talking so much in the tags but like I always do#I just want to live somewhere where I’ll be happy with people I like and working a job that doesn’t make me wanna kms and have enough money#to where I’m not constantly stressed about everything and can maybe even afford nice little things#it jsut feels like asking for any of that much less all of it is asking too much :(#I’m hashtag depressed about being alive
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arolesbianism · 6 months
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I love comparing bandori and sekai covers in a "I genuinely love both of these franchises and both of their music and want to think abt what each is going for in their covers and what they do that I like or don't like" sort of way but god damn do they make it hard when half of their overlap is with crusty dusty sekai covers and the more so recent stuff is mostly bandori's more low key instrumental stuff which I am Not a fan of so it's so hard to find a pair that doesn't feel like hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby in one way or another to me dhjdhdj
#rat rambles#band posting#sekai posting#and lemme tell you kokoro is not helping pls girlie I love you so much and I love hhw music so much please#<- guy who didnt stuper care for hhw ego rock#its not Bad mind you. its just way too low key for my taste which ends up making kokoro's voice feel soooo lonely#tbf the only version of ego rock I currenty rly like is wxs ego rock so I am 100% biased in this specific case#I was never going to like the hhw version more but yknow#also I find it so funny when ppl try to pull out vbs dramaturgy like deal with ichika stand by your boy or submit to kasumi (and ran)#like hey Id love to bring out mygo shoujo rei to play but kasumi and mashiro are whats in the actual game so thats what I have to work with#and lemme tell you I am not a big fan of kasumi in her and mashiro's cover Im so sorry kasumi#ever since vampire dropped the threat of fake kasumi™️ has loomed heavy overhead#<- dont take this personally its a light hearted jab#but hey it's ok kasumi will continue to just fucking murder sekai in other overlap covers#like bro mmj didnt stand a chance with setsuna trip kasumi made that song good single handedly#ok but in all seriousness I dont actually think all of these covers have an ~objectively~ better one or whatever I just like being a hater#but more importantly I like being a lover god I fucking love music#go listen to kasuran draumaturgy Now its so fucking good#also afterglow x kasumi goodbye sengen!!! ran and kasumi sound so fucking good together its insane#honestly with every bad afterglow cover if you just threw kasumi in there itd fix it#tbh ran actually generally works well in colabs which is surprising to me tbh#mostly because I feel like she works best with kasumi and kokoro two characters that I did not expect her to work with#also fucking rip to kanade I love you so much kanade hated by life itself I like you more than afterglow cover but you sound very. silly.#kanade is like my favorite sekai vocalist but her voice is Very situational#and this is a crusty dusty cover when the sekai cast was still figuring out their voices#which is rly the problem with most of the overlap between the two games#a lot of my favorite bandori covers of vocaloid songs are stuck in crusty dusty hell in project sekai#like roki for example#but even if l/n absolutely nailed that one Id still preffer the afterglow cover cause moca <3#theres crusty dusty bandori songs top but the quality change is less jarring in my opinion (not to say old sekai covers are bad tbc)
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gremlingottoosilly · 8 months
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I met a guy in the Summer (dilf!Konig x fem!Reader)
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Luckily, his hot dad just returned from deployment. CW and Tags: Cheating, dub-con, size kink, daddy kink, age gap(reader in 20s, Konig is early 40s), Konig is a pervert, slightly obsessive Konig, love(and lust) at first sight, fingering, dom!Konig Word count: 3713 AO3
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“Just one more game, babe, don’t be a buzzkill. I don’t want to end at a loss.” You didn’t want to be a buzzkill, of course. You simply wanted to be a good girlfriend, have some domestically cozy date, and for your boyfriend to at least try to put an effort into being with you. It wasn’t much to ask for, really. You hoped so, at least. You didn’t want to be an annoying, nagging girlfriend who only ever waits for another reason to yell at him, but your patience started to run thin. 
You spend the past three hours either listening to his apathetic rambling about the shows he watched – really, you wanted to invest in stuff he liked, but an abnormally large amount of animes he talked about had 1000-year-old girls who looked like they were 10, wearing inappropriate outfits, and you started to raise the alarm. 
You also watched him play – and also listened to his rage quitting and angry voice messages to his team that, honestly, made you slightly anxious. You never liked loud people, people who were so easy to rage about something as silly as some colorful video game with too many characters to look after. 
So, like a good girlfriend would – you wanted to be a good girlfriend, he was such a nice guy before you started dating, and you need something to think about besides the tremendous amount of study work you are doing for college – you decided to go and look for snacks. Maybe bring something for him as well. 
— I’ll find something to eat, alright? 
He didn’t respond at first, so you shook his shoulder. Your boyfriend took off his headphones with annoying look on his face, half-turning to look at you. You gulped, suddenly feeling like a child in front of the principal – not a feeling that you were supposed to feel around your partner, but with him, you somehow constantly felt like you were being judged. 
— Nah, stay here. I don’t want my father to see you. 
— Ah…your father is at home? 
You never heard anyone else being at the house – big house, you must admit, and it’s embarrassing almost how you never thought about his family. He lives with his dad, apparently, and the depth of your relationships can only be judged by the fact you literally didn’t know what his father’s name was. 
— Returned from his fucking deployment. He’d ask too many questions about you. 
— You didn’t tell him about me? 
Ah, now you’re hurt a little bit. You knew it wasn’t anything serious or too committed yet, but you intended to make this work. To try and fix all the problems you can without ending things abruptly. 
— He never asked. Not like he cares too much, but…
An apathetic dad, huh. 
You started to slowly piece together the puzzle that was your boyfriend’s horrible boyfriend skills. Now, you want to meet the man who conceived him and kick him in the nuts for creating such an unlovable human being who somehow captivated your chronically lonely heart. 
— If you don’t want me to come and meet him, I can go home. 
He doesn’t answer because his queue is finally coming to another match – you simply nod, knowing everything you need to. You can grab a little snack for yourself, fuck off to your dorm and rethink your life choices while your roommate is getting pounded by some gruss British bloke with an accent that makes your ears bleed. 
You have dignity, and right now, it has asked you to get some snacks from the kitchen. 
*** Now, the only thing König wanted after returning from deployment was to take as many hot showers as he could, shut his bastard of a son up, and get some delicious food waiting for him in the freezer. He was already home for a few days, but adjusting is always hard when you basically fucking hate living at your own house. Of-fucking-course, his son was watching the house while he was away – and now he can’t even think of a good excuse to set him off to his mother. Too old to do this, and split custody never really worked when not even one part of the relationship wanted to take care of the kid. 
König closes the door of the refrigerator – of course, his son took every good thing that he stashed for himself. With a groan, the colonel fights the urge to finally throw him out of the house – a thing he needed to do a few years ago, just when he celebrated his 18th, but some sentimental part of his heart instead promised to help with finding a place close to the college. No good deed goes unpunished. 
With a groan, he takes a few steps from the fridge – and then he almost stumbles across an angel. 
Scheisse
Now, König never thought of himself as a predator who prefers running after college girls who might as well be his daughters. He never thought of himself as a gut who liked them young – his wife, god forsake her name, was his age when they started dating, and he hardly had any sexual encounters with a person under 25 in the past few years. Well, not like he had any sexual encounters in the past years, but…
The thing is – he never thought he liked girls with wide eyes, pouty faces, and trembling hands who were holding a bag of his cookies that he carefully stashed away from his son. 
You are wearing something cute, a nice skirt and an adorable pink cardigan that looks so cozy and warm and soft, and he fights the urge to grab your skirt and simply lift it, You’re dressed up for a cute coffee date, and König has to double check if he isn’t dreaming and no one has decided to play a prank on him and send him a cute callgirl. 
— Oh! Sorry. It’s yours, isn’t it? 
You give him his cookies back – but not before your fingers fished another salty caramel goodness out of the bag, and you bit it. He looks at your teeth, at your lips, and glimpses of your tongue – god, he is an old, dirty bastard because even his baggy pants aren’t enough to hide his boner. You have no right to look this pretty for a man who hasn’t seen a woman in three months and hasn’t had sex in the past few years. 
You lick the crumbs from your fingers – it’s such a deliberate action that he can’t believe he actually sees it, and it’s not even something from porn he used to like. 
— Ja. You can have it. 
He would give you the code to his bank account if you asked for it. 
— Thank you, sir. I’m…well, I assume if Paul didn’t introduce me to you…I’m his girlfriend. Nice to meet you. 
You lick your lips and take a step back, pressed against the counter. He looks at the sway of your hips, a bit of crumbs on your shirt, and almost brushes it away with his hands. It would be a good excuse to touch your chest – but he can’t be like this, he has to keep his urges under control, or else his son will never forgive him. 
Yeah, like he needs a better reason to throw his useless son from his home. 
— Girlfriend? He never spoke about you. 
You look sad, and he immediately curses under his breath. For a moment, you look too fragile – too real. He can’t handle this look on a woman, especially as pretty and young as you are. You bat your eyelashes, even involuntarily, and he already prepares to give you the keys to his home just so you’d stop with such miserable expressions. He has a spare bedroom. 
He has his bedroom with a bed that would be enough for both of you. 
— Ah. Um. We’re…I guess we’re not at this stage yet. 
— Knowing him, you’ll never be, Schatz. 
You look at him immediately – you’re offended, angry, and sad at the same time. There is a certain stubbornness in your eyes that immediately makes him want to simply scoop you in his arms, lift you, and drag you straight to the altar – and here he thought that his impulses over getting married would be over after his first divorce. 
— What do you mean by this, sir? 
You look uncertain now, he can see this in your eyes – and really, knowing his asshole of a child, he is almost sure that Paul never once got you off, either physically or emotionally. 
Now, König never once considered himself to be a good man. He has killed countless people, overthrown many governments, and made shitty jobs for shitty people way more than saving hostages to help the good guys – and in the romantic field, it’s even worse. Wife, unsatisfied with his controlling tendencies and inability to feel normal love for a human being – and a son who hates him because, in fact, he never once wanted to have a kid. 
He looks at you and sees a pretty young thing, still in college or freshly out of, probably without a stable job and normal social standing – a good girl won’t be with his son if she isn’t stupid or extremely desperate for a relationship. 
The thing is, König is also extremely desperate for another warm body next to his, to feel a woman beside him, to love and obsess over someone – he looks at your pouty lips and shaky hands, at the way you bite the corner of your glossy mouth, and he almost wants to drop you on this very table and fuck you until you’re crying under him. He can’t do just that, of course. It would probably make you extremely uncomfortable and scared, but…well, quite frankly, his son doesn’t deserve you. 
König is. 
— I won’t sugarcoat it, Schatz. My son is a Scheiß Arschloch…fucking asshole, that is. I’m surprised he brought home someone as cute as you. 
You feel embarrassment collecting in your body. Paul’s dad is a…interesting man. 
Tall, broad, very muscular – even his baggy house clothes aren’t really concealing his extremely interesting physique from your eyes. He looks yummy and tasty, and you fight the urge to eye the bulge in his pants because you’re a good girl, you don’t look at your boyfriend’s dad like this. 
König has greying ginger hair, locks already curling slightly at the lack of cutting, and you fight the urge to sit on the counter and get your palm in his scalp, massage his head gently, and pull him closer for a kiss. You feel like a dirty, horrible woman – your boyfriend is in his room, probably enjoying his time on your “date” while you’re lusting over his father. 
Then again, this date already felt like a disaster. This relationship, too. 
— Paul isn’t all that bad, sir. 
“He at least has a nice dick,” you wanted to add but stopped yourself. Paul is tall and somewhat strong – if he weren’t sitting at his computer all day, you would call him even muscular. And he has a nice dick, yes, even though he had no idea how to use it. You liked the idea of laying with him, of spraying your jaw trying to fit all of this in your mouth, but his kinks and his sex skills being directly taken from porn…not really your thing. 
You look at König and wonder if they are similar in all of the places. He is his father, after all. 
König catches your gaze locked on his bulge and smirks. 
God, if he knew his son had such a cute girl, he would ask her to come earlier. He is two weeks off deployment and probably won’t take another long contract for a few months because they just upped his retirement payings, and he can afford to slack off a little bit, only visiting the home base for some training and instructions for rookies. 
He can afford to retire and never worry about money again – but he needs someone to make his days less boring, right? 
You look like a good candidate. 
— I’m sure my son was convincing, but I know him better than anyone. He doesn’t deserve you, Schatz. 
He is shitty at flirting, it’s not his forte – he can flaunt his money, maybe, show you in his wallet and bank account face first. He can just straight up ask you to be his sugar baby and suck his cock instead of doing your studies, but he can’t flirt and manipulate to save his life. Lying isn’t something he is good for, this is why his wife has left. 
— I…not sure we should be having this conversation here. 
You’re a good girl, and it’s infuriating. He knows that having someone in his bed shouldn’t be the end goal for his leave, but he wants you, and by the look on your face, you aren’t opposed to the idea. König doesn’t understand if he likes that you’re so reserved about it or if he wants you to be a bit more slutty – but he captures you in the space between the kitchen counter and presses you with his body. 
— You want to see the bedroom then?
Pushes you so close his knee gets between your legs – it might look involuntary like he didn’t exactly want for it to be placed here, but you aren’t dumb, you know what he wants from you. Like a good fucking girl, you’re too shy to give it to him right about now. God, sometimes he hates being so nice to people around him. 
— Sir, this is very…
He got you caged in his hands, body trapped in his embrace – you jerk your head upwards a little bit, staring at him like a small bird in the hands of a predator. He isn’t a strong man in regard of morals, he doesn’t see anything wrong with fucking his son’s girlfriend – if the girl is up to it. And if she isn’t…well, he better make sure she is. 
— What is it, Schatz? Paul won’t hear us in his headphones.
You know just how wrong it is, and you almost want to escape – his dick grinds on your pelvis through his pants, and you’re horrified to see how big it is. Excited too, of course, he is bigger than your boyfriend ever could be, and you don’t want to be a slut, but, oh well, not like you were in a committed and serious relationship anyway. 
Paul was seeing your friends more than you ever saw them – it’s probably a sign that you should settle for someone older. You did enjoy Lana Del Rey's songs, after all. 
— I don’t want to break his heart. 
— He doesn’t have one. 
You’re lost when he pushes his lips to kiss you over and over again – a surprisingly good kisser, and you give in because it was the first time in forever a kiss made you feel this good. His lips are sending electricity down your spine, you want to moan just from his knee, pushing on the softness of your cunt through that adorable skirt you liked so much – you feel so small like this, so tiny in his hands, you…
God, you feel like a slut, and you like it. 
Soon enough, you answered the kiss, your lips meeting his in a dance that made you feel hot, that made you feel like your boyfriend never could. Never thinking of yourself as someone who can fall so easily into the hands of an older man, now you know that he got you right where he wanted. 
You push your hand on his pants, trying to get the control back – but he stops you, a giant hand enveloping your wrist and pushing you back. With a surprise on your face, König just wants to kiss you all over. God, you’re adorable, and he knows that you deserve way more than being fucked on the rough kitchen counter while your so-called boyfriend is too busy dickriding his friends in some useless online game. 
— Not now, princess. You deserve better than being fucked on the kitchen counter, ja? It can come later. 
“Later” sounds like a promise, and you bite back your moan when he keeps pushing his knee against your cunt, making you throb and clench on nothing. He is such a gentleman, you can’t help but compare him to his son – and his fabulous ability to make you feel dirty after fucking you in the backseat of his car and tossing you to your dorm with your pussy still wet and messy after you didn’t cum. 
You sob, not from sadness, but from pleasure mixed with some weird, unnatural for you emotions – you feel weird, strained here like this, but you hug his neck and whisper something in his ear. Something, dangerously sounding just like “daddy, please” 
König is blushing, and he looks fucking adorable. 
— Daddy, ja? God, you’re dangerous, liebling. Going to get me in trouble with my son later. 
He laughs when he kisses you again, his hand slipping in your panties only to find them completely soaked – he knows you deserve a nice pillow and soft sheets under your body, and he pushes you up so you can hug his waist with your legs. You rely on him like a cute pet, and you’re so perfect in his hands he curses himself for not seeing you before. 
He is going to ruin you for anyone but him. Put so much cum in you, it will make your tummy bulge – make you his precious sugar baby, pay for your dumb college and make you move to his bedroom instead of some shitty dorm you probably share with four other people. 
He can be good for you – but he will ruin you for anyone else, anyone appropriate, every guy your age who clearly doesn’t know how to treat a lady right. 
— So wet for me…such a filthy thing, I didn’t know my son dated a whore. 
— N…not a whore, please…
He kisses you on your forehead, silently apologizing. You feel his crooked, scarred smile, and you push your face up to kiss him – you want to touch him so badly it makes you feel stupid. 
— Sorry, Schatzen. Not a whore, a good girl for her daddy, ja? So nice for me, too fucking young…
— W…we really shouldn’t… — Tshhh, don’t think about it. Thinking will only hurt your pretty dumb head. — I’m not…
— Quiet, little one. Let daddy handle everything.
He kisses you over and over, his fingers playing with your pussy – meaty digits digging in your hole, making you whimper from sudden intrusion. He is big, bigger than anyone else, just two of his fingers are enough to spread you as much as normal cock would, and even though you’re used to taking Paul’s size, you just know that his dad would be much, much bigger. He is going to split you open, and you will love every fucking second. 
It feels so wrong, you still aren’t sure if you want him to touch you like this. 
It feels so right, he is experienced and eager, pushing every button to make you squirm in his grasp. Your orgasm comes embarrassingly quick – maybe because you haven’t gotten off in ages, only miserable masturbation sessions and poor attempts at faking your orgasm made it feel real. Paul never cared enough to actually get you off – but now…
You aren’t ready for him. You squirm in his grasp when the pressure becomes too much, and he soothes you, two fingers still buried in your soaked cunt. You feel so dirty, so wrong right now – you are cumming on the fingers of your boyfriend’s absent father, and you love every second of it. 
Post-orgasm clarity makes you whiny and sobby, and you whimper in his shoulder when he gently lifts you in his hands. God, you’re adorable, and he knows that he just scrambled your brain with that orgasm – it’s good, really, he might just want to keep your pretty head nice and empty for him. Not like you would ever need to think in his presence, the colonel can handle everything in- and out- of bed. 
König holds you close, not allowing you to scramble away no matter how embarrassed you are. You are his precious thing, with a pouty face, and he will do everything in his power to make you squirm on his fingers again and again before he makes you his wife for good. 
So impulsive, maybe this is why his son is such an asshole – taking the worst traits of his father. 
— Don’t cry, Schatzen. You’re okay, it felt good, didn’t it? 
— W…we shouldn’t have. Shit. I’m sorry, it was a m…god, I need to tell Paul. 
— I’ll tell him. 
— No! — I will tell my asshole of a son that you’re my girl now, ja? And then I will take you to the bedroom, so we can fuck. 
— I need to return to my dorm. 
— And then I will dine you properly, okay? Sorry, Liebling, I know I should court you before all of this…but we can afford to go a bit off board, ja? 
He is smiling, so smitten and obsessed over just having you cum on his fingers once – you don’t have the heart to say no. Never did. You’re a good, proper girl, and Paul was never treating you right anyway. You feel dirty, yes, but somehow, it is almost right. 
He peppers your face with kisses, like a dog lapping its tongue all over your skin – you’re so concentrated on the warmth of his strong, seasoned body that you don’t even look in the direction of the doorway to the kitchen. 
Paul, however, looks straight at you, disheartened and shocked. 
— W…what the fuck, dad?! König laughs, kissing you once again – deep, hot, with tongue and loud, sloppy sounds of your mouth pressing into one another. You’re stuck in place, still caged in his arms like a precious little pet you are. 
— She’ll make a good step mom, ja? 
You don’t even register his hands slowly caressing your fingers as if he already tries to check the ring sizes. 
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suguann · 16 days
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✎. he tells you they’re the problem and leaves it at that before sliding a plate of eggs and toast in front of you.
tags. fem!reader, mild dubcon, possessive and obsessive behavior, but he's also kinda sweet?? [18+ only]
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You like your new roommate.
Simon’s surprisingly better to have around than the last person who lived with you—a girl you knew from college who had an affinity for stealing your clothes and conveniently never had money for rent. He’s the type to make you soup when you’re sick, acknowledge you if you’re in the same room, water your flowers while he rolls his cigarettes on the fire escape, and carry your groceries up the four flights of stairs to your floor. 
He’s attractive, too, in the not-so-conventional sense, but in a disarming way, all small smiles and knowing looks and soft hair you know he doesn’t put much effort into—that sometimes curls around his ears when he lets it get too long—yet it still manages to look better than yours on the best days. 
He never tells you what he does for work, and you’re too polite to ask. But you have a feeling he makes enough to afford a place on the less crime-infested side of town—somewhere nicer than your cramped apartment with its outdated appliances, leaky faucets, and the bright neon sign atop the building across the street that shines through your windows all times of the day—but he says he’s not ready to live alone.
Something tells you there’s more to it than him being a lonely bachelor, but again, you don’t pry.
“Does this place have wi-fi?” is all he’d said the first time you meet, in a voice so smooth and only slightly broken up by his accent, clad in a shirt that looked two sizes too small around his arms and clutching a duffle bag in one big hand. 
Your brain was this shaken-up box of words and syllables that when you answered him, it came out in a nervous stutter. “Y-yeah, I’ll, er…I’ll give it to you—the password, I mean—once you've moved in. If that’s okay.”
He’d dropped his duffle bag in front of the room that would be his. “Consider me moved in.”
The smile he gave you, crinkling eyes and chuckling lightly, only made the stutter worse. 
You let his charm roll off you; you always figured it came naturally to him, a characteristic that comes with being attractive and good.
A handful of months later—of finding a routine around each other and lazy smiles in the morning—something changes the night you go out with a guy Mary from work eagerly sets you up with. 
His name’s Robb, he’s a doctor, and you both love cats; he has a house in Spain. Did I mention he's my cousin?
(A dull no way concealed behind your teeth.
If you hadn’t said yes, you feared your entire lunch break would consist of her waxing poetic over a man you're unsure about meeting.)
For a flicker of a moment, there’s an unreadable expression on Simon’s face as he watches you touch up your makeup in the hallway mirror and slip your hand into the crook of your date’s elbow at the door. There’s a slight glint of something uncharacteristically cold behind the mask of indifference before a small smile replaces it.
“Have a nice night,” you throw over your shoulder, except you don’t notice that he never says it back.
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You mope around the apartment when Robb—who surprisingly exceeded your expectations of mediocre dates, not that you ever plan on admitting that to Mary—doesn’t reach out to you for three days. Then a week. You’re at that age to understand when people get busy, and a nice night doesn’t always mean it’s mutually reciprocated. But you liked him, and it felt promising after he’d kissed you goodnight against your front door. 
It had to have been the kiss that turned him off. Maybe he realized it was too much too soon.
When Simon finds you curled up in a ball under your comforter, one thumb gently wiping away your tears, he doesn’t even bring up your date. Instead, he orders your favorite take-out and puts on a sitcom you’d mentioned to him once—somewhat surprised that he remembers—the dreamy doctor who’d ghosted you blissfully forgotten with greasy food and a warm, comforting chest to rest your head on.
Simon’s there again—sweets in hand and a soft voice to soothe you—when another date (Rin from finance on your floor) a month later is a no-show, and a few weeks after that when Rin tells you without context that he can’t see you anymore. 
The third time of let downs feels worse. It’s worse because maybe there’s something wrong with you, and when you ask Simon, he’s too nice to rub salt in your wounds. He tells you they’re the problem and leaves it at that before sliding a plate of eggs and toast in front of you.
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You've been Simon's roommate for a year, and he doesn't take it well when you tell him you're looking for a new place.
It’s after he comes home from a three-month work trip. The shadow that crosses over his face should’ve been your first hint that something is wrong.
Had you noticed the signs sooner, you wonder if you’d be less like prey caught by the softness of your underbelly, kept in place by the scruff, and sharp teeth at your neck.
"Beg me. Beg me not to cum in you."
"S-Simon," you whimper wetly, "don't cum in—ah—me."
His fingers hold your chin with an unyielding grip, ensuring your gaze doesn’t stray from his in the cracked mirror. You’re embarrassed by what you see, how spread open you are to his dark, inkwell eyes hungrily watching as you twitch when his other hand slides between your thighs.
"Don’t stop begging, love,” he growls, squeezing you tighter, “or I might forget."
There’s that dark look again, the one that sends a shivery feeling up your spine, possessive almost with how he traces every inch of you as if burning the image of you into his memory, the softness washed away by something more sinister. 
A little voice in the back of your head tells you to flee, but another knows he'd find joy in catching you. 
No one would ever think your sweet, attractive roommate would be the same man staring at you now—everything you thought you knew about him stripped away to reveal a new canvas, bare for splashes of paint to fill in the cracks—teeth marks imprinted along the curve of your jaw, on the inside of your thighs.
He hides it well. His humble personality doing the trick of being the impenetrable mask for what he’s concealing underneath: a raw obsession, an addict finally getting his hands on his favorite drug, someone who can’t recognize defeat and knows how to take.
“What do they have that I don’t? Hm? Must be a desperate little thing. My pretty slut,” Simon’s voice rumbles low against your ear, shy of unhinged. “They won’t treat you as good as I do. Don’t I treat you good?”
You whimper when his grip grows tighter, but he doesn’t seem to notice—like he’s not fully here with you. No trace of the soft, gentle man who keeps the freezer full of your favorite ice cream, who runs to the store when you run out of tampons and comes back with chocolate and a new pair of fuzzy socks. A few words have turned him into someone you don’t know. Perhaps you never did.
“Answer me.”
An indiscernible  squeak is the only sound you make. 
He chuckles darkly, his head dipping down to rest his lips against the fluttering pulse in your neck, a finger slipping through the alarming amount of wetness between your thighs where his cock rends you down the middle, and begins rubbing firm, tight circles over your clit, pulling a moan from your throat. 
“It’s okay, love,” he mumbles, words barely audible above your heartbeat swimming in your ears. “I’ll be everything for you. Everything you need. I’ll show you why I’m better.”
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