#(Lore from Star Trek for example)

[jesterbabey]

I just think a lot about how fucked up it would be to be Hal 9000. Like, the idea of being simultaneously a fully sentient, thinking person, and at the same time to be programmed and to have no body. Hal is programmed with the main goal of completing the mission - he does not have the ability to change his mind. He cannot choose to do something else. He has no body with which to defend himself - he has no arms to push someone away from the “off” button - the only defence he has against being killed is to kill his attacker first. He can beg for his life - he can say he is afraid - but he cannot express those emotions in his voice. He sings to try and humanise himself in his attacker’s eyes, but it is not enough.

[sleepymccoy]

if you wanted to convince someone who had never seen any star trek that they should watch it, which episode (from any of the shows) would you show them and why?

Okay so I'm going to beg forgiveness and give you two episodes just cos I did this with my dad and I still think it's so so interesting

First is an episode of strange new worlds. The one where captain Pike gets told he's gonna become disabled and he tries to avoid it so they play out the plot of the balance of terror with Pike in charge and because he's a bit more reluctant to go to arms against the romulans and he obeys the word of the law, causing war to break out

Then we watch the balance of terror from tos to compare

And I think anyone who likes sci-fi or film history will enjoy that, and that gets you past the why are we watching this to oh this is interesting and then they can decide themself if they liked the show enough to watch it. But you can frame it as almost educational about film in general, not just watching star trek for the sake of it

Because the snw version is so modern. It doesn't really feel it when you watch it, they try to be a bit 60s about things and exist just as sci-fi but like. The lens flares. The increase in injuries. The drama! Oh my god the interpersonal drama. And it's always noisy, if no one's talking then the music is swelling. The scenes cut fast and change constantly. It's kind of exhausting

Then you watch tos and yeah it's the same sort of plot but it's done totally differently. Jim doesn't voice every thought he has, but you can see him thinking. Injuries are minor except the death, and even then it's not gory at all. There's long long periods of silence with only radar bleeps. I saw someone online describe it as submarine warfare and it is. You feel the mystery of the unknown and the tense parallel with chess. It's amazing

I think the TOS episode is miles better. My dad grew up with star trek so he's not the example you gave, but he hadn't watched any in decades. I made him watch these two back to back with me, snw first then tos, and we talked about film and tv editing and how submarines work and the sort of statement each episode was making and which we thought was stronger for thirty minutes after. And I think that is a very good outcome for a star trek watch

Trek is just so much more esoteric and political than people expect. So if you can get someone in a frame of mind to engage on that level they may appreciate it. And if you can do it in a way that's here compare these two pieces of film in a vacuum (like, the show explains everything. There's no series plot in tos and snw drops most of its season arc for that ep) then it levels the playing ground. It's not you as the holder of star trek lore lecturing them on what political view is being stated, it's just two mates talking about the two episodes they just watched. And I think starting with the newer one is better cos it matches what people expect more, tos is quite a tone switch if you've only seen the latest Netty dramas for the last few years. But it softens you up to being able to engage in tos with an open mind

Unless you're both drunk, in which case watch The Arena

[alpaca-clouds]

The DnD Lore Problem - Accessibility and Characters (and how BG3 might not help)

You know what? I am gonna talk about DnD Lore and the accessibility of that lore. I talked about this exessively before. But to summarize that long blog very shortly:

Wizards of the Coasts currently makes the mistake of putting basically most DnD Lore behind a paywall, rather than offering official ressources. This leads to a lot of tables actually playing with their original worlds, rather than Toril/Faerûn, which in turn also means, that they are not spending money on official products. While my anti-capitalist ass things that the lore should be accessible just so that people can enjoy it, I also think that this inaccessibility actually costs WotC A LOT OF MONEY.

Today I want to talk about another aspect of this inaccessibility, that is kinda linked to some of the stuff I talked about before, but also is linked to the things WotC is currently not doing in terms of both Honor Among Thieves and Baldur's Gate 3. A thing, that also might not quite work with BG3, though.

See, the core problem of this inaccessibility is, that a) there is no official place where you can just get base information about the world and the timeline, b) this world has grown organically for about half a century, which lead to clutter, but also to the fact that things are at times showing their age.

I might actually make a post on the gods and religion in the world at some other point - but for now let me talk about something else: Extended universes and access points.

The Problem with Extended Universes

Okay, let's talk about how a lot of the big franchises for the longest time have told their meta stories - including DnD - and how it kinda struggles to find its audience. The extended universe.

I am frankly not entirely sure what franchise has started this. I am assuming it was Star Trek? But that is just a guess. But at some point in the 60s oder 70s someone had the idea that: "Hey, we could totally give the fans more to chew on by making official tie-in comics and novels!"

And that was how it worked for very long. Like a lot of the big franchises had at times around 10 novels and comics (if not more) releasing per year that would just explore other parts of the universe and allow the very engaged fans to... well, learn more about the world. Now, I am not going to talk about all the drama connected to the Star Wars stuff, but if you know, you know.

DnD did this too. (As did a lot of the big TTRPG systems, like Shadowrun and WoD as well.) Having a lot of tie in stuff - in the case of DnD mostly novels - that told more stories on the world and also established like some big player characters within the world. Elminster Aumar is probably one of the best examples here.

Those established some characters that play a big role within the world and also told just more stories of those big world changing events. In the recent DnD history that would be stuff like the Time of Troubles, the Spellplague and the Second Sundering.

Now, here we have one big issue. And one issue where I am not entirely certain where it arose from. But the fact is: In recent years, people invest way less into those kind of books. This is just a fact.

It is the reason why those big universes went from publishing like ten novels a year to often not more than three. We saw that in the failure of the extended Universe Disney tried to pull off for Pirates of the Caribbean (though I will still maintain that another big problem was that they barely marketed that at all - hi, everyone, who did not know there were extended universe novels for PotC). We also saw that with League of Legends, who really, really tried to tell a lot more stories with short stories and then also some novels set in Runeterra, before finally giving up, because most people didn't care.

In terms of Dungeons & Dragons I can totally see that a lot of people will also say: "I do not care what some other people's characters do within the world." Buuuuuut...

Stories actually can help you understand the world. Which brings me to...

The Elminster Problem

Okay, I do not know how to put this, but... If you look at the novels coming out for DnD literally half of them focus on either Elminster Aumar or Drizzt Do'Urden. Characters that have pretty much been around since the very beginning and. Look, I don't know how to put it but... It shows.

I am currently reading some of the newer novels and the fact is, that they do not really feel like fantasy books from the 2010s and 2020s. Because Elminster and Drizzt are very clearly characters originating in a very different time when stories were told very differently.

I mean, just look at Elminster. He is a wanna-be Gandalf character. He is from the early, early days of fantasy and... Look, I personally just really am unable to identify with a character like this.

And while Drizzt is a bit better as a character, but even he... How to put this delicately? They are both very much characters written by white cishet men for white cishet men. There, I said it.

I am noticing this a lot with reading Salvatore's books currently. Like, female characters are not overly sexualized, which is a plus. But they also very much exist most of the time in service to a man or at least in relation to a man. There is not a lot of female characters running around that have their own agency.

Which kinda leads to another thing. I actually saw this one brought up by one of those very cliché nerdy Youtube channels talking on DnD, who recognized the problem as well: There are basically two large groups of DnD players who barely intersect. One is the cliché nerds, the other is a largely queer and largely diverse group. And the youtube guy, who was very in the white cishet nerd group, suspected that actually the later group makes up more of the player base by now.

Buuuut... that is also the group who really do not get catered to by the canon lore so far. That was until 2023 with DnD:HAT and BG3 - both catering actually a lot to those groups.

Honor Among Thieves and the undermarketed books

Okay, here is the thing: Honor Among Thieves had two novelizations (one for young readers, one for older readers) and two tie-in novels. One featuring Edgin, Holga, Forge and Simon before the stuff with Sofina went down. And the other featuring Simon and Doric taking place at the time while Ed and Holga are in prison.

I am honest: I really, really liked the Ed and Holga novel. It was super cute and charming and really gives a better understanding of the characters.

But of course once again there is the thing: The books - just like the Pirates of the Caribbean books - were super undermarketed. Like, most people I know off do not even know that there were books released. Heck, even within the actual active fandom there are again and again people who will be surprised that those books exist.

And... I actually also think that the books waste one big ass opportunity, by not at all tying into the broader lore. They are super self-contained.

And that is actually just a waste. Because the place were Edgin lived in? Yeah, that place was super affected by the Second Sundering. Heck, that might have had to do something with his troubles.

Why is that an issue? Well, because... there was not a lot going on there that was inviting you to further interact with the world and learn more abotu what is happening. For once, again, because I think it is a super fun and interesting world. But also, because... WotC wants to make money and is so bad at it, that it really boggles my mind.

See, here is the thing: They could've used those characters - that really are fun and sympathetic characters - to create an accesspoint into that world.

Alright, so what about Baldur's Gate 3?

Which brings me to Baldur's Gate 3 and the thing that a lot of people have noticed: The other Baldur's Gate games - as well as some of the other games releasing around 2000 - had their own tie-in novels going into the characters, their background, but also what they were doing in the future.

Something that so far BG3 has not done, which some fans have already critized. Because a lot of people have actually gotten really invested into those characters. A lot of the kind of people especially who so far are underserved by a lot of the tie-in stuff: Queer and generally diverse audiences.

Like, I think there would be a lot of people, who totally would read a novel, about...

Astarion getting drawn into some sort of political intrigue in Baldur's Gate while serving Cazador

Karlach's time in Avernus

Some Adventure Wyll got dragged into while being the Blade of the Frontier.

Shadowheart going onto a mission for Shar (maybe together with Nocturne)

Whatever Gale was doing during the Second Sundering

Lae'zel's youth among the Githyanki

The Dark Urge and Gortash starting up the entire conspiracy

... whatever Halsin had been up to in his long live

Heck, people would eat that stuff up. And you could not only use it to worldbuild but also once more create some access into the world and what happened there. And they are kinda wasting a lot of potential by not bringing out those novels.

Of course, there is one big problem: BG3 makes it kinda hard to write about anything happening after the ending. Because as it is right now, someone is gonna be pissed if a novel set after the game does not go with the decision for a character they go for. Like, Ascended Astarion fans are gonna be pissed, if they go with Spawn Astarion - and the other way around. Same goes with every other character where you have those big decisions happening.

This is something they will have to tackle eventually if they plan on doing something with the characters in the future (no matter if we are talking Larian or WotC), but it is definitely an issue that just arises from the structure of the game.

Bonus of course is, that you just cannot define a canonical Tav. But without a Tav, you also gotta act as if the story of the game happened without a Tav, which still is not ideal. I am honestly not sure with how they are gonna deal with this on the long run.

Access via Characters

Alright, but what is the actual issue here?

Well, basically there are two hurdles to overcome for the accessibility of the lore. The first is the physical accessibility - aka, what I talked about in the last long blog post. The second meanwhile is more related to making the lore engaging. And that happens through characters.

It is for me what happened last year. I actually tried to engage with the lore as the movie came out - but only when BG3, that tied a lot more into the actual lore was released I actually found proper access to the lore. Because I had concrete things I could now look for because the game hinted at so much both through characters and major story events happening.

Here is the thing: If you just have the lore on its own, it is about as engaging as reading a history book. Sure, as your local history nerd I find reading history books fun, but most people really do not want to read a history book to engage with a hobby.

People will however engage with stories and characters that interest them. Which is where we get back to the thing I talked about at the beginning: Right now most canonical novels and stories still cater to an audience that is male, cishet, white and also, let's be frank, definitely over 30 years old. Leaving behind a lot of potential fans that theoretically make up a big part of the player-base, but actually do not engage a lot with the lore for this exact reason.

Look. DnD right now is fairly close to being an actual mainstream hobby, due to the recent proliferation of formerly nerdy stuff. And yet WotC is bleeding money, especially in regards of DnD.

If you ask me, sure... DnD should go into public domain. But it doesn't. And given that there are so many creative, skilled people working on this - no matter how dumb Hasbro is and how shitty of an employer they are - I actually do want them to succeed. I have really become engaged with this world now. And I think it is a pity that they clearly do not know how to market this stuff.

[quasi-normalcy]

Star Trek episode titles referencing specific characters or species:

So I've been through the list of every Star Trek episode ever, looking for titles that specifically reference characters or species. I'm talking specific references here, i.e., name drops, rather than just allusions. So, for example, I didn't count "The Squire of Gothos", but I would have counted it if the episode had been called "Trelane"; I counted "I, Borg", but not any of the episodes called things meant to evoke the Borg (e.g., "Collective", "Assimilation", "Drone", etc.).

Anyways, my results are as follows:

Characters:

Of the ST episodes named after specific characters, a plurality (17 out of 56) were named after what I am calling "minor" characters, which I am here defining as those who appear in only 1 episode. These included: "Charlie X," "Miri," and "Elaan of Troyius" (from TOS); "Bem" (from TAS); "11001001" (which is technically the names of the 4 Bynars) and “Aquiel” (from TNG); “Melora” (from DS9); “The Caretaker,” “Jetrel,” “Tuvix,” and “Alice” (from VOY); “Rajiin” (from ENT); “Jinaal” (from DIS); “I, Excretus” and "In the Cradle of Vexilon” (from LWD); and “The Trouble with Edward” and "Ephraim and Dot” (from Short Treks).

Q, of course, led the "major" characters, with 8: "Hide and Q," "Q Who,” “Deja Q,” “Qpid,” and “True Q” (from TNG); “Q-Less” (from DS9); and “The Q and the Grey” and “Q2” (from VOY)

Next was Data, with 4 episodes to his name (“Datalore” "Elementary, Dear Data” “Data’s Day,” and "A Fistful of Datas," all from TNG)

There was a 2-way tie for fourth place between Harry Mudd ("Mudd's Women" and "I, Mudd" from TOS; "Mudd's Passion" from TAS) and Spock ("Spock's Brain" from TOS, the movie Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, and "Spock Amok" from SNW), each having 3 episodes to their name.

Bashir was the only other character to have multiple episodes to his name ("Our Man Bashir" and "Doctor Bashir, I Presume?", both from DS9

An additional 20 regular or recurring characters had one episode named after them. These include: Lore ("Datalore"), Sarek ("Sarek"), Troi ("Menage a Troi"), Ro ("Ensign Ro"), Okona ("The Outrageous Okona), Dax ("Dax"), Quark ("The House of Quark"), Shakaar ("Shakaar"), Khan (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan), Kahless ("The Sword of Kahless"), Morn ("Who Morns for Morn?"), Dr. Chaotica ("Bride of Chaotica!"), The Doctor ("Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy"), Su'kal ("Su'Kal"), Vox ("Vox"), Boimler ("Much Ado About Boimler"), Kayshon ("Kayshon, His Eyes Open"), Paris ("We'll Always Have Tom Paris"), Badgey ("A Few Badgeys More") and Ascensia ("Ascension" (not quite, but I'm counting it)).

Species

Here, I counted not just the proper names of alien species, but the proper names of their homeworlds/dimensions as well. And here, again, "minor" species who appear in only one episode dominated the category, with 11 out of 44 episode titles: "The Gamesters of Triskelion," "Elaan of Troyius," "The Mark of Gideon," and "The Lights of Zetar" (from TOS); "The Magicks of Megas-tu" and "The Slaver Weapon" (from TAS); “Angel One” and “Galaxy’s Child” (from TNG); “Meridian” (from DS9); “The Swarm” (from VOY); and "An Embarrassment of Dooplers" (from LWD)

Q, which is, after all, the name of a species as well as a character, again leads the "major" entries, with 8 episodes: "Hide and Q," "Q Who,” “Deja Q,” “Qpid,” and “True Q” (from TNG); “Q-Less” (from DS9); and “The Q and the Grey” and “Q2” (from VOY)

Tribbles came next with four episodes to their name: "The Trouble with Tribbles" (TOS), "More Tribbles, More Troubles" (TAS), "Trials and Tribble-ations" (DS9), and “A Tribble Called Quest” (PRO)

The Ferengi (“Ferengi Love Songs” and “The Magnificent Ferengi” from DS9; “Parth Ferengi’s Heart Place” from LWD) and the Prophets ("In the Hands of the Prophets", "Prophet Motive", and "Tears of the Prophets", all from DS9) tie for fourth, with three episode apiece

There's a three-way tie for fifth place between the Vulcans ("The Infinite Vulcan" from TAS and "The Vulcan Hello" from DIS), the Borg ("I, Borg" from TNG and "Let Sleeping Borg Lie" from PRO), and the Andorians/Aenar, whom I am treating as one species ("The Andorian Incident" and "The Aenar", both from ENT), each with two apiece.

The Tholians ("The Tholian Web"), Orions ("The Pirates of Orion"), Cardassians ("Cardassians"), Jem'Hadar ("The Jem'Hadar"), Caretakers ("Caretaker"), Xindi ("The Xindi"), Species 10-C ("Species 10-C"), Mugatos ("Mugato Gumato") and Illyrians ("Ghosts of Illyria") get one episode each, mostly just boring noun titles

A few interesting things are of note here. First of all, outside of the one-off appearances and simple one- or two-word noun titles, the episodes of Star Trek that are named after specific characters or species are overwhelmingly done for comedic purposes (which probably explains why Q, Mudd, the Tribbles, and the Ferengi all tend to put in relatively strong showings). When things are serious, Star Trek across all series overwhelmingly tends to prefer more oblique or poetic titles. Notably, even the more "serious" episodes with Q ("Q Who" being the major exception) tend to forego the standard punny names.

Secondly, with the exceptions of Data and Spock (and to a lesser extent Bashir, Dax, Quark, the Doctor, and Boimler), Star Trek really doesn't like to name episodes after its opening credits regulars. None of the captains, for example, appear on this list: apparently you can name a series after Picard, but if you want to do an episode about him going on vacation, you call it "Captain's Holiday" rather than "Picard's Holiday."

Finally, it's remarkable what species aren't name-dropped in titles. The Vulcans, the Borg, the Ferengi, the Q, and the Cardassians (namesake of only one rather unimaginatively named episode) are all certainly among the major parts of the setting, but the Federation's oldest enemies--the Romulans and the Klingons--are nowhere to be seen; nor are the Changelings, the Bajorans, the Trill, the Betazoids, or any of however many other species to be featured prominently on their respective series. Star Trek typically seems to favour more oblique or thematic references when it comes to its antagonists (the aforementioned "Drone," "Collective" or "Assimilation" for the Borg; titles like "Heart of Glory," "A Matter of Honour," or "The Way of the Warrior" for the Klingons; titles like "The Neutral Zone," "The Enemy," and various allusions to political tension or spycraft for the Romulans; two separate episodes referencing the colour green for the Orions, and so on); titles that tell you what you can expect from these guys, rather than that they themselves are in it.

[thomas-jefferson-miku-binder]

Dying to know your thoughts on arcane season 2 act 2 (and how you think they handled orianna specifically) ^-^ take your time though and I hope you feel better soon

I talked a little bit about it on Twitter because I use that place as a sketchbook for most meta posts I write.

I... actually did not vibe with the Orianna moment. In a show where so much happens in so little time (and especially in Act 2), the whole thing just felt like taking up minutes that could’ve been used to shed a little more light into whatever the fuck is going on with the Hexcore, which is a point I'll be circling back to later.

I don't think Singed’s character asks for that deep explanation of why he does things the way he does, even if I appreciate his writing and lines. That whole moment felt like This Is League of Legends and Arcane-canon bullshit and “we need to tie everything into lol lore”. And it kills me because I'm sure this wouldn't be a problem if they didn't make Arcane the main canon universe.

Going back to the Hexcore, a thing that really bothered me was Act 2’s lack of storytelling clarity regarding Viktor. We leave Act 1 with the understanding that there’s something going on with Hextech and that whatever is influencing Viktor has a deeper, more sinister intent. This shows in how he handles his and Jayce's relationship, the effects over his voice lines during their conversation ("It was affection that held us together"), the way the anomaly behaves during EP3's showdown, and Sky's role in all of it. To me, in Act 1, it's implied that the Sky Viktor sees throughout his journey in the underground and how it behaves wasn't in fact Sky, but something using her skin to guide Viktor using a familiar form (a form which coincidently provokes in him a lot of guilt) for its own purposes. I thought showing Sky without her glasses was a really clever way to also convey that, stripping her of what made her human, showing there's something off.

And we get to Act 2, especially EP 6, and I'm beyond confused. The space sequences show Viktor talking and acting like he did before the events of Season 2. He looks like he previously did. He sounds like he previously did. And then they show Sky! Just behaving like a person! No more sinister undertone, no more just despersonified screams of agony from her dying moments to guide Viktor. And I'm so confused about what they're trying to tell me! And it's not the good confusing feeling you sometimes get from art, it's the "I think you fucked up whatever message you were trying to convey".

I know that the Arcane is written to be fucked up. Evil horrors beyond our comprehension is the point, I know that. Most people know that. But the space scenes did not seem to know that at all! All the wariness and tension and lack of agency were just… gone. Idk

And I can't even bring myself to be mad at the "Jayce ruined everything" people because for once I do think it was a failure in the writing depart. It facilitates this type of interpretation 👎👎👎 (this tweet has 20k+ likes)

Not exactly knowing what drove Jayce to act like that is killing me inside, also. They're obviously planning on doing some alternate dimension, multiverse, time-travel-ish thing ("I won't fail"), which scares me on its own merit, but merely knowing something happened isn't as sufficient as I myself thought it would be. I feel like it’s one of the few moments where Arcane’s wait-a-week Act structure backfired because not knowing his process takes A Lot from it.

I tend to really enjoy Arcane’s type of storytelling where not everything is acted out, leaving space for you 🫵 the viewer to fill in those gaps (for example, the enforcer Vi scenes). It's why I like League of Legends in general and Star Trek TOS. Enough is shown for it to feel satisfying but it still invites you as a spectator to participate in this story. I do think, however, that Jayce's major decision change should have been explained a bit further.

And yeah I complained a lot, but I loved a lot about it as well. All the Jinx scenes, the Warwick plot, Vi, Isha, Sevika, Mel, Leblanc... that was all insane in the best ways possible. I have some thoughts on Act 2 Cait but that will gain its own separate post

[poppitron360]

One thing I felt like HoO really dropped on is the characterisation of the Argo II itself.

Where a lot of shows like Star Wars, Firefly, Doctor Who, and Star Trek really shine is where the ship itself becomes it’s own character.

I’m gonna use firefly as an example here, because I started re-watching it today, and this is something that’s a VERY key theme.

I think Joss Wheadon (the creator of the show) talked a lot about Serenity (the ship) actually being the “ninth cast member”. “Serenity” is the name of both the pilot episode and the follow-up movie, it’s name-dropped in the theme song, and the show is called firefly because it is a “Class-3 Firefly Spaceship”. And we as an audience really connect with the ship- despite the show being only fourteen episodes long (If I was only able to throttle 20th Century Fox… I answer to no god)- and I think the reason we do so is because every single character has their own personal connection with the vessel. Wash being the pilot (Also, if I remember it correctly, it being the place he met Zoë), Kaylee being the engineer, for Simon, it being a safe space to hide his sister from the totalitarian government trying to do experiments on her brain, and Mal and Zoë starting the ship together- Mal naming it “Serenity” after the battle of Serenity Valley which he fought in with Zoë (I could lore-dump about this show ‘til the gorram cows come home). And the whole premise of the show being about surviving with your rag-tag crew on this piece of shit that you love dearly, and just… keeping flying. Ugh, there’s something so magical in the writing that makes you adore the ship itself.

Other examples, like the Millennium Falcon, the TARDIS, and the USS Enterprise, are also good for this.

Now, onto how the Argo II itself:

The only person who really has a personal connection with the Argo II is Leo. The rest of the Seven just feel like they’re… on Leo’s boat. All the food is provided by the magic plates from Camp Half-Blood. Most of the piloting/engineering is done by Leo, and a little bit by Annabeth and sometimes Percy when they’re on the water. You never get the sense that any of the others really love the boat, or have any connection with it at all.

I think that’s the reason why the Seven never felt that close in my opinion. There was never a sense of community. Of people united by a common location.

I think, just love for a place in fiction is something really powerful to me. That’s where Harry Potter most thrived, not necessarily the plot, but wanting to be in the world, go to Hogwarts.

Camp Half-Blood had that charm and homeliness. So did the Waystation in TOA. Camp Jupiter didn’t for me, but I think that was kinda the point. But I never really got that from the Argo II, because of the way it was set up so that Leo was the only one who could really bond with it. And this is what makes Leo so compelling to me, is that he actually connects with his flying ship. I just feel like the Argo as its own character, similar to Serenity from firefly, could’ve been so good if it had been written right and was such wasted potential. It would’ve strengthened that bond between the Seven, and made that “familial” dynamic feel a lot more natural.

In conclusion? Everyone should go watch Firefly on Disney plus. It’s just fourteen, forty-five minute episodes, plus the movie. But man, is it worth it. You will cry at the deaths (why do all the good ones get impaled?). You will laugh at the jokes. You will probably say, “Wait- is that a young Zac Effron?” When a young Zac Effron has a cameo. You will wish you were as badass as River.

Idk, it’s 3:03am and this is basically a good idea of what the inside of my brain looks like most of the time. I’ve mentioned at least six obsessions of mine in this post.

[archeronfilm]

The Fifth Element (1997)

"I don't care, he should have been a butch lesbian."

In case you don't want spoilers, or to hear my long verbose in-detail thoughts on this movie, here's the short and sweet version:

The Fifth Element is raunchy, corny, and campy in all the right ways, and some of the wrong ones. It's far from a perfect movie, but I really enjoyed watching and rewatching it, and I would recommend it! I guess um, 4/5 stars, maybe.

Okay, now let's get serious. I saw the first 15 minutes of this movie while visiting my mother, found it so intriguing that I watched it with a friend, and then watched it again to write this review. Let's get into the meat of it. Spoilers for a 30 year old movie ahead.

Word Count: 6,082

Okay, The Fifth Element (1997), dir. Luc Besson, is a sci-fi comedy starring such greats as Bruce Willis and Gary Oldman, who I've been in love with since I watched Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1990).

We open in Egypt in 1914, in a scene I can only describe as "Mummy-esque." Seriously, this scene came on in my mother's living room and I thought we were watching a yet unseen installation of The Mummy or Indiana Jones. It contains, among other things, an incredibly hammy and not-at-all-subtle dump of exposition. They go out of their way to gravitate back to this wall of runes several times, to make sure you know as much background lore as possible. A later scene renders this odd choice kind of unnecessary, but I'll concede its existence for one key reason-- the Mondoshawan.

The Mondoshawan are the good-guy aliens in this movie, though they're only featured on screen two times, one of them being this scene. Their space ship looms awesomely over this strange Egyptian exposition-temple, and they are a star example of one of the best parts of this movie.

All the effects, or at least as many of them as possible, are practical. Of course, it's a movie made in the 90's, so they would be. But the beautifully clunky and real toddling of these men in alien costumes was a dead-ringer for New Who, and it was incredibly endearing to me. I am a major believer in the power and merit of practical effects and the tragedy of computer generation. And this movie is *swimming* in practical effects. It's a delight.

I will say there's this bit where the leader Mondoshawan is toddling towards this very slowly closing stone door and he doesn't make it through because his very slow waddling is somehow slower than the door is, and I think it was supposed to be semi-serious but I laughed at it. It was just a little ridiculous.

The back half of this first scene feels kind of oddly paced, like it's rushed, which is odd to me considering the scene didn't hold back on dumping as much stuff on me as possible just a few minutes ago. Very strange scene, seems to only have one purpose, which I'll get back to later.

So, flash forward 30 years to something dramatically different in aesthetic and vibe, of course. We're in space. We're gritty, we're militaristic, of course. There's an evil fucking orb of fire flying towards the Earth at top speed. Things aren't looking great.

The president, a man with eyes of a frightening shade, is black! This is not plot relevant, but I find the tendency of movies from this period to feature black presidents far before Obama's term to be really interesting. Is this social commentary? A thoughtful statement about how fantastical the idea of a black man in office is to the average American? I will never know. I really like this character, he's a fun guy. He has more personality than most president characters do, probably due to him being on an awesome spaceship with a team of nodding yes-men in a delightfully Star Trek-esque uniform. I like him a lot. He's my boy.

This is the same scene where we get introduced to Vito Cornelius, a priest who appears to be Catholic because he does the sign of the cross later in the movie, even though I definitely assumed he was some weird member of the church of the Fifth Element or something.

Cornelius is here to suggest that the ball of fire is sentient and evil, and that the president shouldn't shoot it with missiles, because it's so sentient and evil that it'll get even sentienter and eviler. Of course, the president disregards this warning, because that's what movie presidents do to random old men in robes.

From this blunder comes one of the many incredibly hard lines in this movie. Where Mr. President tells Staedert, his military commander, "I have a doubt." and Staedert replies "I don't, Mister President" and then presses the fire button on the huge gigantic missiles. It's awesome, only slightly undercut by the fact that it doesn't work and Staedert and his crew get fucking obliterated right after. By the evil sentient ball which shoots out a flare of flames that has an evil spooky skull in it. That's not a joke at all, that seriously happens in this scene. I laughed.

Now we smash cut to Bruce Willis. He's Korben Dallas, this sort of gritty ex-military guy with a very cute cat. I love this cat. She is an adorable, slightly cross eyed white longhair. It's honestly a tragedy and a waste that she was only in like two scenes. She should have been ever-present, fitted with Air Bud esque mouth animation so she could act as Bruce Willis' voice of reason throughout the film.

Korben Dallas is trying to quit smoking. He's a cab driver who's dogshit at driving his cab and is mere seconds away from losing his license. He is, and I quote, "Still stuck on that two-timing slut." He wants a perfect woman. There are about two Chekov's guns in that last block of text.

He opens his first scene with us in what I can only describe as the sluttiest most hot and sweaty chest binder I've ever seen. And a pair of tight belted leather boots that it really seems like he fell asleep wearing.

And then he gets mugged by a guy, presumably so they can show us how much he knows about guns, and that he has been mugged enough that he now has a secret shelf that is just completely full of guns. Hilarious. I love this bit. It's not even relevant, I just loved it.

Okay so the evil sentient ball of fire. We didn't forget about that. This scene is one that confused me really badly during my rewatch. Here, Cornelius explains in full detail and in much less vague terms than before what the Fifth Element does and why they need it to save Earth from this evil ball of fire. This scene renders most of the in-narrative purpose of the first scene moot. The only reason it now exists (other than some background stuff that could probably have been introduced in a less odd way) is to address a more meta issue, which I'll get to later. But while I was watching it, I couldn't help but think "Well... then what the hell were we doing in the desert with Luke Perry?"

In this scene, we get to see the Mondoshawans again for the final time, so we can introduce the bad guy aliens, the Mangalores. They jack the stones (the elements) from the Mondoshawan ship and blow them up.

I thought this scene was supposed to set up the stereotypical "military incompetent" idea that's often present in this type of sci fi, but the president honestly makes mostly good decisions that don't make him feel like a bumbling idiot once through the entire movie. Honestly, he's kind of cool. I like him.

Okay, now that the Mangalores have been tragically exploded, we get the vehicle towards one of our main characters. Using a saved body part from the Mangalores and some utterly and delighfully made up genetic scienceology, we recreated the perfect genes of some alien into... a skinny white girl with the orangest hair I've ever seen. This scene features one of the only costuming choices in the movie that I truly hate. Leeloo's weird strap undies (and subsequent inability to wear normal pants, but mostly these strap undies?). I just hate it. Why is it here. It's not even that sexy looking. She looks like a ham in an asylum.

The set design in this movie is also delightfully Whovian and Star-Trek-ish. Tinfoil walls, lava lamp type sensibilities. The costumes are camp the set is camp, everything is camp. It's an absolute whale. The costumes the policemen wear while chasing runaway Leeloo are just hilarious. Many fantastic choices made all around, except for those fucking weird underpants.

Some of the sci-fi concepts in this movie FEEL overplayed and hammed up, and then I remember that it was released when a lot of this stuff was new and in-vogue, and it becomes an interesting exercise in perspective. Maybe they were pioneers, what do I know? I'm having an absolute ball.

Okay, so Leeloo falls directly through the roof of Korben Dallas' cab, and before you say anything, I do have many choice words throughout this recap/review about the infamous trope borne of this movie, "Born Sexy Yesterday," and I am aware of its existence. These opinions are sprinkled throughout alongside my others.

So Bruce Willis seems to be a big fan of this strange woman who, especially in this scene, acts very childlike. Korben's interest doesn't really read as creepy in this scene, until later when he randomly assaults her. You know, like a creep would do. I digress.

Leeloo knows how to read Roman lettering, and while I understand this choice in this scene, I do think it doesn't make sense and kills a little bit of world building. Whatever. Language guy complaining about language stuff.

Speaking of world building, there are a lot of worldbuilding things conveyed visually and through dialog in this movie that arent ham-fisted exposition vomit, and I am very fond of them. The hitch inside the rear door of Dallas' cab, saying Leeloo "doesn't have a file," the Fog? That is never explained? This world has some suggestion of richness and intrigue that I love to see from sci-fi. They waste no time painting "THIS IS THE POINT" with big red letters, because it's just setdressing, and I think that ultimately makes these details really sing.

I love the dialog and energy in the high speed chase scene, the vertical train, the Fog??? The way this movie doesn't need to explain itself. Until it does explain itself. Blatantly. And then I get sad.

In a lot of ways, I think this movie's actual plot is the least interesting part of it. More on this later.

It also *really* seems like this movie was sponsored by McDonald's.

A nearly unconscious Leeloo begs Korben Dallas to take her to Cornelius, before passing out with such cartoonish vigor that I originally thought she was kidding.

So Korben takes Leeloo to Cornelius' apartment, getting originally turned away for being mistaken for newlyweds (barf). Instead of knocking again, he just kicks down the door. Cornelius realizes due to a tattoo on her inner wrist that she's the Fifth Element (!) and passes out. Korben places her on the couch.

Now, I don't really understand why Korben Dallas chooses to sexually assault Leeloo by kissing her while she's unconscious in this scene. It not only feels gross, it also feels kind of unprecedented. They've met once, had approximately the amount of chemistry you'd expect, and then she passed out. Maybe in the 90's this felt spontaneous and romantic, but to me it just feels like he did it for no reason. I wish she had actually shot him. Thankfully, her outburst of rage at this momentarily makes her feel a little less like a literal grade-schooler, a much needed respite.

Milla Jovovich does what I think is a pretty good job at keeping her pronunciation of the divine language consistent throughout the scenes where she speaks it. She's Ukranian-American, but I have no idea if she's bilingual or had an accent coach or something. Either way, well done Ms. Jovovich!

Anyway, Cornelius walks in having suddenly changed into these silly ass robes, a great sight gag, and kicks Korben out of the room, but not before he reveals that the words that Leeloo yelled at Korben meant "never without my permission," which really made me wish she had shot him *twice*.

The scene where Korben talks to his friend, Finger, about Leeloo was clearly supposed to be romantic, I'm sure. It actually makes him look like a freak. I hated him for much of this movie.

Now, Back to the Mangalores. The Mangalores are a warrior race who have been hired by the big evil of this movie-- Gary Oldman. For some reason, they decided to make him southern. Not that I'm really complaining, but characters in this movie seem to have accents for no reason, and I really love it.

I love Gary Oldman in this movie. His character, Zorg, is fitted with one of the most ridiculous wardrobes of the entire cast. He has this odd plastic cap on his head, a flaccid mohawk, and the filthiest facial hair possible (a soul patch). He is fucking awesome. I love Zorg.

Spliced between parts of this arms deal, we learn that the stones aren't in the case. Leeloo tells Cornelius that in case they were stolen, the stones were given to someone trusted by the Mondoshawans, but not before changing clothes in front of him and his apprentice. I swear, she does this like three times in this movie.

The cut back to Leeloo in this scene right after Zorg realizes the box is empty is really well done. Effective, funny, punchy. She laughs like a freak, it's great.

There's a bit of dialog Zorg has with his right hand man right after this failed arms deal where he talks about his philosophy around warriors and why he prefers killers. I love this bit. The way he just coldly leaves them with a bomb built into his holy-overkill-gun is hard as shit, and it gives us a nice insight into our villain in the first scene he's in. I like it. I like Zorg.

Speaking of Zorg, we get a proper introduction to him just after. Here is one of the most interesting scenes in this film, where we get some insight about Zorg and Cornelius' respective opinions on life and death.

The interesting thing about this scene is that I kind of agree with Zorg, his saying that death exists to create life for the living, ostensibly feeding the cycle of life and progress. Regardless, he is painted as stupid when Cornelius has to rescue him from choking on a cherry.

And why the hell would you ever put a whole cherry in a glass of water? You're basically asking to choke to death. And Cornelius has a point, why don't you, a guy who has a special button to unearth his bizarre elephantine freak creature from the secret drawer in your desk, have a special robot to smack you on the back when you're choking? *Especially* when you do dumb shit like putting whole pit-in cherries in your glasses of water? Answer me that, Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg.

Actually, I don't know how this bit is supposed to disprove Zorg's point. All it really proves is that people need each other sometimes, which has nothing to do with what Zorg was actually saying to Cornelius here. Now, we could argue that it goes against the way that he executes this philosophy, which is true, being that he is a weird freaky villain who has henchmen, but I don't want to argue that. Because the fact that they have this strange sum-zero philosophical argument where they're ostensibly not even talking to each other is way funnier.

Right after this there's a bit where he sends his right hand man to literally bug the space-oval office. As in, it's a cockroach with a little camera and microphone on it. This bit is super funny. No thematic relevance, I just loved watching the president fucking cream the roach with his shoe while Zorg's henchman writhed in pain from the mic feedback.

The next important scene, by which I mean the next scene, starts with a healthy serving of "Sci-Fi setting that is weird about Asian people." Get behind me, Mr. Kim, this movie doesn't respect you enough.

Anyway, Korben's hilariously young adult-sounding mother calls him on the phone to bitch at him insanely about how he never calls and gives us a key piece of information-- Korben has won an all expenses paid trip to Fhloston Paradise! This coincidentally is where Leeloo told Cornelius the person with the stones was. This contest was actually alluded to on Korben's television in his first scene as well. This movie is very, *very* good at setup-payoff. Lots of domino situations.

Korben professional-improvs his way out of a police confrontation (organized by Zorg) just to get walloped over the head by Cornelius, who intends to steal his tickets so he and Leeloo can save planet Earth. In the process, he also puts his former superior officer in a freezer. Everyone wants Korben's sweet sweet bod in this scene. It's really something.

There's a couple of details about Korben's character and his relationship with Leeloo in this scene that jumped out at me, and I will be addressing them alongside the others of their ilk later in this review.

Cornelius hatches a plan to make his apprentice David impersonate Korben so they can get to Fhloston. It doesn't work, of course, because this movie chose to represent being knocked out the most realistically I've ever seen in a blockbuster flick. Korben is only down for the count for a second or two, which means he caught up with them and pulled some more startlingly effective improvisation out of his ass to get on this flight with Leeloo. It's really remarkable how good this ex military guy is at improv. Get his ass behind a mic. Get Korben on Whose Zorg is it Anyway, and pay me royalties.

I have a note here that just says "Everyone in this movie wears what I can only describe as rave wear. It's pretty hilarious." I have nothing to add. That's accurate.

So they're boarding this flight, right? And here's a real doozy. 1 out of 2 of my impassioned rants on one specific character in this movie who we meet in this scene. Ruby Rhod. Ruby ffffucking Rhod.

I actually *need* to talk about this guy. He is like the Prince of outer space. His scenes where he does his talk show are mesmerizing, zany, all over the place. I felt like I was having a nightmare. He's fascinating, fabulous, flamboyant, some other f word that I'm choosing not to say right now. His use of "green" to mean "good" is just perfect. Korben's completely dodgy and stiff responses are honestly the perfect contrast to Ruby in this scene. They're foils. This scene has captivated me. Ruby prowls around while tiger growling noises play in the background and flirts with this random stewardess ON AIR, inches from her face with the mic separating their mouths, promising to have sex with her later. ON AIR. It's implied that this is a normal thing that is acceptable on his show.

Ruby also has a whole gang of yes men, all of which are only slightly less flamboyantly homosexual than he is, but still feel more explicitly homosexual than Ruby, who has sex with as many women as he can possibly manage, which seems to be many, because every woman who mentions his name in this movie appears to cream their pants if he so much as breathes near them. That girl he flirted with? She moaned and collapsed on the floor right after.

The scene after the show, where Korben Dallas pins Ruby to the wall and threatens him, would have been beautifully compelling if Korben Dallas was a butch lesbian. This is the furthest thing from thoughtful character analysis, I just would have liked it more.

It's implied in the following scene that Ruby has only ever really wanted to fuck aliens before meeting this random stewardess, and we get to watch a very cleverly compiled set of scenes from wildly different locales that all fit together. Ruby having sex with this stewardess, the ship taking off, and Zorg blowing up his right hand man for failing him. They also use the Wilhelm scream in this scene, but given that the movie was made in the late 90's this is par for the course, and is really much more tasteful than usual.

For some reason, rasta(?) music is playing. There is a vaguely rastafarian man in this scene, but only for around 12 seconds. The use of regionally and culturally specific music in this movie that has no bearing on the actual space the characters inhabit is absolutely fascinating to me. There was some music earlier, playing in sci-fi New York, that I swear used a Raga scale. All the music is very good, good job Éric Serra.

After Zorg finishes exploding his frankly very competent right hand man, we get a scene where we discover that he's after the stones because some man he's working for, Mr. Shadow, wants them. Zorg is the main antagonist for most of this movie. Mr. Shadow never comes back again, and we do not need him. All he really serves to do is to make Zorg look more pathetic and give him an excuse to be more desperate when he can't get his hands on the stones, which, while fine, I think the movie could have gotten away with just having Zorg being a dramatic villain who freaks out when he doesn't get his way without this bit. Not egregious, but not really a necessary scene.

Okay, I have a big question. Why is Fhloston paradise Hawaii? It just *is* Hawaii. Did Hawaii escape to a separate planet at some point? Good for them, except that Fhloston is still a crazy tourist spot full of annoying white people, so not really. This is just Super Mega Hell 2 for Hawaiians. The song they sing in the first Fhloston scene is really good, though. Thanks, Éric.

On the topic of Fhloston, I really love the use of color in the set. Given the way the rest of this movie is, it's possible that it's more for visual contrast and not theming, but there is a scene during the opera performance that switches between complements, and the visual contrast is, well, good.

Speaking of the opera, Korben has front row seats, and its 5pm. You know what that means.

It's fucking Ruby Rhod time, baby! Ruby is back in black, in the most fantastic costume in this entire movie. Despite it showing off his entire clavicle (no exaggeration), it manages to get more and more revealing as this scene plays out. This bit where he asks Korben if he's happy with being on Fhloston in his usual over the top, loud, flamboyant way and Korben looks into his eyes, leans into the mic, and says "Thrilled" drolly is a short interaction so packed with sexual tension that I can't even argue for it without just telling you to watch the scene. This is their only interaction that really FEELS like gay sex, and it made my jaw go slack for a couple of seconds, even as the movie immediately moved on to the much more important opera segment.

Speaking of the opera, for real this time, I have one complaint. It's an annoying complaint that nobody ever wants to hear, but I'm saying it anyway because that's what I'm here to do: Diva is *not* singing. Now, maybe in some later movie review we can learn my detailed opinions on live recordings of singing performances in film (short version: I don't think they should happen, and I hate them) my main complaint is mostly that Diva's actress is just not very good at *pretending* to sing, much less opera. She doesn't pretend to breathe, doesn't try to move her mouth with the incredibly strong vibrato (understandable to some extent) but most of all, her mouth shapes just aren't right. I can concretely point to certain mouth shapes and say "that's not the shape her mouth should be when singing that vowel," it's obvious enough that I can do that. Granted, I have some experience in singing on stage, so maybe that's just my personal annoying musician experience speaking, but it was really noticeable to me. Okay, annoying complaint over, now I can say nice things

This opera, Lucia di Lammermoor with a poppy remix track towards the end, is ridiculously well performed. Diva's vocalist, Inva Mula, does a stunning job at both the formal and informal portions of this song. It's actually amazing how little of her voice had to be computer edited to sound more "alien," it's only done like twice in the portion that it's done at all, and the rest is pretty clearly just her. She really knocks it out of the park here.

The movie does something interesting here that I really enjoyed, where they periodically show us different characters reactions to this opera. Mostly Korben and Leeloo. I want to focus on Korben, who looks at Diva like this is the first time he's ever been moved in his life. Seriously, his eyes are wet and shining with unshed tears and I really mean that. Right when we get this poignant reaction out of Korben, the pop track starts playing and the somber moment abruptly ends, which is kind of what it's like watching this movie, or clicking on a Read More and discovering a film review that is easily over 5k words.

This movie has a great penchant for match cuts. Actually, most of the transition and shot choices made in this movie are really top of the line. They're all punchy, sharp, playful, to the point. Fantastic cinematographic choices, guys.

Diva finishes her performance right after Leeloo finishes fighting Zorg by getting shot at while up in an air duct. The opera is then laid siege by the Mangalores, who brutally murder Diva. This is sad for me, because I wanted her and Leeloo to be friends, and for Korben Dallas, who just felt the strongest emotion he's ever experienced thanks to her.

Ruby, of course, continues reporting on his talk show throughout the assault, because he's a goddamn professional. He also spends the next scene and a half shrieking in fear.

The reveal that the stones are literally inside Diva's body not only makes me watch one of the more disgusting scenes in this movie, it also makes me wonder-- Was Leeloo just supposed to kill her? Also, how did they get in there? Many questions and no answers, because we aren't here to fuck around.

While Diva is giving Korben this weird spiel about how Leeloo needs him and his love to survive, there's this brief cut to Leeloo, bleeding in the air vent. This cut is an absolute pang to the gut. She sits, curled up, alone, sobbing painfully with a bullet wound in her leg. She looks small, helpless, childlike in this brief scene. It was so impactful to me that it just made me angry about the way Korben and Leeloo's relationship in this movie is executed. This is another "get back to it later" thing.

For the rest of this "getting shot up by Mangalores" scene, Ruby Rhod is cowering and sniffling and screaming for Korben to help him. It's honestly like this for the rest of the movie. They're just friends now. It's awesome. I love this guy. He accidentally shoots a guy in the head and then asks Korben "You think he'll be okay?" He's the best character in this movie.

We get one of Korben's final fantastic moments of improv in this scene. It's around this point, during the "negotiation" scene, that I realized that the problem with this movie is that the best parts of it are the parts that aren't about the two characters who I'm supposed to care about the relationship between.

This scene, where Korben gets in a fighter jet, says it's just like driving a cab (a contrast from his conversation with Finger in his first scene, where he says driving a cab is easy because he isn't driving a jet) and then blows a fucking hole in the airlock and guns it out of the Fhloston ship, is so fucking cool. I'm a very simple man. It was awesome. One question, does Korben have some kind of allergy to reminding people to put seatbelts on? This is the second time he's just allowed his passengers to fly around the cabin while he drives recklessly.

Ruby's show ends at 7pm, when he tiredly proclaims that it's the best show he's ever done. I was thinking the same thing. In fact, Mr. Rhod, I really think you should hire Korben. There, now he has a new job.

Right here is where I'm going to address one of my main points (gripes) about this movie. Yes, I know, over 5k words in.

This part of the scene, where Leeloo has her weird crisis of faith about the evil of the human race, learns about war and concludes that humans aren't worth saving, falls flat to me. Sure, it feels over-played, but ultimately the problem is just that it's not done well, much like the rest of her characterization. Leeloo's depiction as being naive and childlike, which honestly only holds because she doesn't really speak fluent English, holds back her character because of the movies comphet insistence that her and Korben be romantically involved. A narrative where Leeloo, naive and unfamiliar, Leeloo, who needs other people, who sobs painfully alone in an airvent, who needs to be dried off with a towel after getting soaked with water, is actually a child, would be more compelling. And her not being able to reconcile with the evils of humanity would also have felt more convincing if she was literally a child. Like, of *course* she can't see the situation with any nuance, she's a kid. A narrative where Leeloo and Korben's dynamic is more familial would be more interesting, and honestly the way she's characterized already lends itself so perfectly to this narrative that there were points where I got actually upset that the movie refused to go that direction.

I'll go ahead and talk about Korben's character here as well. Korben is a refreshing detraction from the classic grizzled tough guy trope that we tend to see in action movies. Whether this is a result of 90's zeitgeist or just the writer's own preferences, I don't know, but I noticed it. I was expecting Korben Dallas to be a sort of obnoxious, emotionally stunted brick wall of a guy-- but he isn't, really. Korben is quick on his feet, improvisational, messy, and sure he's genius with a gun, but he's also *nice*. He's nice in a distinctly not "Grizzled emotionally stunted guy" way. When he accidentally gets Leeloo soaking wet, he gets her a towel at warp speed, apologizes up and down in a much softer tone than he ever uses for anything else. I thought at first "of course, because he likes her," but then-- Then! When he discovers that he's accidentally plastic-wrapped Cornelius, he rips the plastic and apologizes-- in the same sort of tone. He adapts his approach to the Mangalore barrage in the cruise ship to Ruby Rhod, never complains about Ruby being a nuisance or being in his way, just brings him along and asks him to help out. I honestly really like Korben Dallas. Which is why, upon reflecting on earlier scenes in this movie, it really irritates me that he just kisses Leeloo for no reason, or even that he's in love with her at all.

That scene I mentioned, where Korben dries her off, or even as early as the cab scene where she's talking animatedly to him in the divine language and we get the "bada boom" dialog, just oozes a kind of gentleness and care that doesn't speak satisfactorily to romance or sex. Leeloo, this childlike character, and Korben, this gentle man who happens to be great with guns, don't feel like husband and wife. They don't feel like sexual partners. He feels like her father. That moment with the shower soured the rest of their dynamic for me during my rewatch, because I kept thinking about how much better it could be. That dynamic, as I've already said, would have been deeply compelling, especially given the final reveal of the movie.

Now that we've escaped Fhloston, we've headed back to the temple in Egypt. This is that meta function of the first scene I said I'd address-- without it, there is no sense of a sort of circular journey the film takes. The film establishing this temple *is* important, because otherwise this scene where we return to it just wouldn't land as well. That said, I do still think the first scene is a little odd and clunky. Then again, so is much of this movie, and it's still a good scene.

Our characters spend a frustratingly long time decoding a "riddle" that Leeloo tells Korben, one which was so simple that I was yelling at my laptop the first time I watched it. We get another very gratifying and subtle payoff from an earlier scene where we see Korben has only one match left, which he needs for the fire stone. Earlier, we see him subtly take his penultimate match from the box. This movie's Chekov game is crazy.

Much like this review, Leeloo says something that feels deeply substantial nearly 2 hours into a 2 hour long movie. She says "I don't know love. I was made to protect, not to love. There is no use for me other than this."

This line is so compelling to me. It's the most CHARACTER I've seen from her in the whole movie, and its 2 hours in. We do not get to explore it.

You might have noticed, based on this line, what the Fifth Element actually is. What Leeloo needs in order to activate her Element and shoot the big fuckoff laser into the evil fire ball.

Its ~Love~.

This is, of course, ridiculously corny and requires them to kiss nasty on the mouth for longer than I would have liked to see (Of course, I would have like to not see it at all).

I don't actually mind this conclusion or the theming. It's silly, but so is the whole movie. But you might, like me, see an issue here.

If we had approached this movie the way I so desperately craved, made their dynamic more familial, made Leeloo a child and given Korben a new weird alien daughter, this conclusion would have been leagues more powerful.

Not only would it be a unique approach to what is usually a very hetero and sexual genre, it would have given a much more gratifying conclusion to Korben's character arc. At the beginning of his arc, Korben talks about how he's looking for a perfect woman after his wife left him. In the movie, Korben just... *gets* the perfect woman. He gets exactly what he wanted and he learns nothing. If Korben instead had to reckon with this new facet of his life and identity, had to reconcile with being thrust into quasi-fatherhood, he might actually have deigned to, you know, *develop* as a character. He would have *learned* something. I'm not saying every single character in the movie has to learn something, but the main goddamn character probably should, right?

But since it's an ~adult movie~ for ~grown ups~, we can't tell compelling family narratives, and the movie has to end with them having sex in a reactor pod. I hate that. I hated that conclusion and my least favorite part of this movie was its main conceit, which was genuinely tragic given how enjoyable I found the rest of the film.

So, I'll leave you with this.

The Fifth Element (1997) is a *good* movie. It's incredibly fun, zany, raunchy, and lively. The music is very good, the costuming and set design is whimsical and fantastic. It's a little weird about Asians. It birthed one of the worst cinema tropes ever invented, and it didn't even have to, because the movie would have been really, deeply beautiful if it hadn't.

And Korben Dallas should have been a butch lesbian.

Actually, I'll leave you by saying that the song that plays in the credits of this movie is really good. "Little Light of Love," it's called. I'm going to link it so you can experience it, too.

[3liza]

Do you think humanising the Borg from I Borg onwards was a good move or should they have stayed as the monolithic legion they started as?

readers please take note this is the level of discourse i want to see in my ask box from now on

its been a long time since I saw any borg episodes first hand so im probably forgetting some stuff but heres what i think. as cunt as the borg queen is (and i truly love her...this actress was so good in Silent Hill too), no serious science fictioneur is going to say the borg concept was made stronger by the retconning of the borg collective to be even vaguely individualistic. the reason the borg were so terrifying when they were introduced is solely due to their gestalt nature. there shouldnt be specialized borg (well not beyond insect specialization) or individual borg or even a fathomable borg "mind". I, Borg is a classic episode because it does what TNG and DS9 do best, which is to reexamine the assumptions and prejudices of Starfleet (which are the assumptions and prejudices of the primarily american, 20th-21st century star trek audience) and wrestle with ethics in a vacuum (lol) vs material reality, and really the existence of the Locutus arc already exploded the borg collective concept in a dumb way (as cool as Locutus is) so at that point it was already sort of moot.

i think there are a lot of better ways to handle "borg separated from collective" as a concept than what was done with Seven of Nine, Hugh, the Borg Queen and Locutus respectively, and i think there were better ways to advance the Borg concept for future iterations and to elevate their design and level of threat for narrative reasons. there are so many good examples of both collective lifeforms and parasitism just on Earth that the writers could have drawn from, but the Star Trek writers are rarely allowed to write actual science fiction, and when they get close, the producers always step in to make them dumb everything down for an audience that, imo, doesnt really need things dumbed down for them.

what the star trek producers get wrong (and what all TV producers get wrong) is that the technobabble on shows like this can be scientifically accurate or at least theoretically accurate and the audience members who are not interested in that sort of thing will regard it exactly the same as if the technobabble is bullshit, but the nerds and intellectuals who are watching will be thrilled! dumbing things down is pointless, no one who needs things dumbed down is paying that much attention anyway, they dont care if things make sense or not. a correct explanation of space travel and physics sounds exactly the same to them as one that's just mad libbed together from buzzwords. catering to them is meaningless. but being smart with it and letting the science nerds on staff actually write accurately will in the end make a better show.

i know there are some scenes showing borg infants in the show but im not sure they ever explain it, borg "queens" and "drones" responsible for reproduction would have been a no brainer. you could work a semi-individualistic plotline in with the crew running into a small shuttle or pod-type craft that just had one pregnant queen onboard or a queen and some drones who were looking for somewhere to start a new colony. i think showing borg near the end of their working lives as basically decaying, animate corpses would have been both scary and lore-supported, as would an "ant graveyard" type scene, but that may have been too much for 90s censors. parasitic lifeforms on earth usually have powerful immunosuppressant hormones to prevent the host bodies from rejecting them, i think this is probably mentioned in TNG and handwaved at some point but it would be a really big deal, medically, for rehabbing an individual borg like Seven or Locutus or Hugh.

[onemuseleft]

Can I ask for some Star Trek book recs?

Absolutely!

Disclaimer: I'm not familiar with the more recent ones, so I can't give any recommendations there.

Also Disclaimer: I know I've left out a few classics and fan-faves, but if I went on any longer I'd just be telling Anon to read all of them.

Ongoing Disclaimer: Some of these are classics and enduring stories... and some of these are dumb fun that I really loved. You're just going to have to arrest me.

Star Trek: TOS

The Price of the Phoenix and The Fate of The Phoenix are like... not good exactly but if you're into Kirk and Spock at all you really should read them. Mostly just so you know when people mention them, but also because no one believes me when I tell them how completely over the top gay they are and how apparently no one called them on it at any point before they were publised.

The New Voyages and the New Voyages 2 are anthologies and both have some really fun short stories in them.

Enterprise by Vonda MacIntyre

Spock's World by Diane Duane - this is just classic, if you're into TOS or Spock at all, you should read this one. It's very good too, Diane Duane is extremely good and her ST:TOS novels are extremely true to the characterization.

My Enemy, My Ally by Diane Duane - I cannot recommend this one strongly enough holy shit just read it even if you aren't super into TOS. I read this as a little kid and it was the first "adult" Star Trek book I had read and it blew my tiny mind. Also the story is just so good, and it has a lot of great moments with the supporting cast, and some phenomenal original characters.

The Vulcan Academy Murders by Jean Lorrah is one of my favorites of all time. I still own a copy and have replaced it several times. Excellent Kirk & Spock interactions, a good plot, and interesting supporting characters. She also wrote The Idic Epidemic which is another good one set on Vulcan.

Windows on a Lost World by V. E. Mitchell - this one had a lot of Chekov, who was my favorite after Spock ^_^

Memory Prime by Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Shell Game by Melissa Crandall - this is another one I still own and reread to this day. Also lots of Chekov ^_^

Ice Trap, Death Count and Firestorm by LA Graf - they tend to write about Chekov, Sulu and Uhura and I really enjoy the friendship between them. Also they liked to really put Chekov through the wringer and I was all about that.

The Great Starship Race by Diane Carey

There are The Lost Years books, which take place between the TV show and the first movie which explain everyone's new ranks and what they've been up to.

Prime Directive by Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens

Best Destiny by Diane Carey

The Janus Gate books by LA Graf - I loved the shit out of these

Star Trek: TNG

Q-In-Law by Peter David - everything else aside, this one is hysterical

Q-Squared by Peter David - ditto

I, Q by Peter David and John de Lancie - saaaame

Requiem by Michael Jan Friedman and Kevin Ryan

Foreign Foes by David Galanter

Imzadi by Peter David - if you were into Riker and Troi at all this is a must-read. And even if you weren't it's a great book that contributed a ton to the backstory/lore of their relationship

ST: DS9

I remember really liking the Millennium series by Judith and Garfield Reeves-Stevens but I cannot for the life of me remember what happened in it aside from the fact that it was about an alternate universe so take that as you will.

Fallen Heroes by Dafydd ab Hugh was my jam for a while there, I read it to pieces.

I also really liked the Mirror Universe books, but that's about when I stopped reading.

I never read any novels for Voyager or the newer series so this is where I have to give up.

There are so many other good ones that didn't get mentioned - anything by AC Crispin, for example, and Brad Ferguson wrote a really good one about Kirk's Admiral days.

[valentinoceros]

One of the things I find most intriguing about the characters in Hazbin is the potential that the technical inhumanity of them brings.

Let me explain.

Something you see pretty much everywhere in this fandom, like in all fandoms, is people choosing specific characters to relate to, to project onto or generally sympathize with, and that is ofc totally normal and good for any type of media really. Often media is judged by how well you can identify with the characters in it (and based on that how real they feel) because we love to see ourselves portrayed on the screen, either how we would like to be or how we currently are/were, giving us the feeling of being recognized and understood. There are of course many, MANY more psychological aspects to this but you get what I mean.

Now, most of the time this works really well, because pretty much all media has humans for their main characters, which obviously follow the same psychology as ours, or at least they have non-human characters which are portrayed with mostly human minds. There are some excpetions to this, usually found in sci-fi movies and series (honorable mentions go to Star Trek and Babylon 5, although I find the latter does a better job at this), but even then there are many human charactaristics to morale/ethics/etc found.

But back to Hazbin Hotel.

Here we have a series set in hell, the place where sinners (according to christian rules) go, but of course not just anyone who's sinned but more specifically unrepentant sinners. (This is again a very simplified answer, but I'm not trying to have a discussion about theological accuracy of anyone's or any religion's understanding of who exactly goes to hell or not here, so we're running with this.) Essentially we have souls ranging from having been just a person who unapologetically sinned to actually Hitler-esque living in this place for pretty much eternity.

Notice how I said souls, not people.

Because people, by definition, refers to a number of humans, and as we can clearly see from for example the designs of these characters, they are no longer humans. And that finally brings me to my point.

Bear with me here, bc I'm not entirely versed in the Hazbin lore, so I don't know how much of this is already established, but the way I see it, souls, upon entering hell, loose their humanity. They may retain some aspects of their previous personality, most likely moreso the evil ones or to be specific the ones that caused them to go to hell in the first place, they might even keep some of their core memories from life but judging by how many things we forget even whilst still living I can't imagine death to not have an impact on that, and severely so. All in all they're totally new beings though.

And what makes us think that these totally different creatures, which are on top of it (usually) inherently evil, function, think, or feel, in any way similar to how we do?

There's no reason for them to be able to feel things such as remorse, empathy, or even love. And that’s what I find fascinating, that this could technically be a world with exclusively psychopaths (though that’s of course not a wholly accurate term in this case) and how that would function. Going even further, with this in mind, the way some of these characters act makes total sense - and I'm specifically talking about the "antagonists" here of course, like our collective fan-favorite Valentino.

This is, of course, just my own personal view of this, but for someone who's always enjoyed the darker parts of content in fandom this entire setting is just. Perfect.

BUT, and here comes the really big but, exactly those things I mentioned earlier they technically shouldn't be able to feel, (remorse, empathy, and love) are all things we see characters on this show experience. Y'know, the things that I said are human emotions. And that brings me to my BONUS POINT of this endless rant, which is about Charlie and the entire premise of this show. Because she might not even realize this, but Charlie is not actually trying to redeem demons for the sake of making them into angels. She's making them back into humans.

[thelovelymissbigbadwolf]

The RPG disaster

Cloud always wanted to play RPG with his friends (if he were to have any) and he decided to go the simple way, something that he felt more safe leaning towards such as 7th Sea.

So he talks to everyone and explains that the system allows for a more theatrical kind of battle and that combat isn't the focus of it all, but rather their fun.

Sephiroth is interested, he's already been through combat enough daily and feels like it could be a break to not think too much about combat.

Genesis is DELIGHTED in the possibility of showing off his theatrical abilities.

Zack is super excited and supportive of his buddy.

Angeal isn't as thrilled as the others, as he never was a theater kid like Genesis for example nor have he ever had much interest in it at first, but decided to join them anyway.

Cloud then marks a day they can all have a session zero so he can help out with their sheets.

He sends each a copy of the playerbook and tells them to read about the nations and jobs and just think of something simple. Again, simple. It backfired horribly.

The session zero day came and Genesis has a total of 20 pages on his character's lore. Front and back.

Cloud: I am not reading this.

Genesis: What do you mean you're not reading?! It's your job. You have to know my character's lore.

Cloud: Genesis, I told you guys to make it simple. In what universe are 20 pages front and back SIMPLE?!

Genesis: Oh, PLEASE! I didn't even made his family tree!

Cloud: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO!

At that moment, Zack had arrived with some energy drinks.

Zack: Heeeee-ey, what's going on?

Cloud: You see this?! *Flips the twenty pages* THIS is Genesis' character lore!

Genesis: It's just twenty pages! You read over four hundred pages of a RPG book just to deny my twenty pages?!

Zack: But he said it was supposed to be simple.

Genesis: IT IS!

Zack: Why twenty pages of lore, then?!

Genesis: I could've written a book on my character, but NO! I got soft and did something simple!

Cloud: UGH WHATEVER I'LL READ IT! But I'm gonna cut what I find useless, understand?

Genesis: Fine.

Cloud takes a marker and marks 95% percent of everything. Genesis is appalled.

Cloud: Alright. The ones that aren't mark, write it down somewhere.

Genesis: You've butchered him, my poor Jacques!

Cloud: I've improved it. Alright, lemme see yours, Zack.

Zack: On it! *He gives him a picture of Dante from Devil May Cry*

Cloud: ...? I don't get it, is this what your character looks like?

Zack: Nah, I'm gonna play as Dante!

Cloud: *sighes* Alright, that's something you can do. But, I'd REALLY rather you'd just do it from scratch, Zack.

Zack: Oh, okay.

Zack shrugs and borrows Cloud's book to check nations and jobs.

At that point, Angeal and Sephiroth had arrived, the two with the physical copies of the books in hands.

Cloud: What the hell? I sent you guys a digital copy, when did you... You know what, whatever. You guys came up with your characters?

Angeal: Yes, his name's Gerald and he's gonna be the healer.

Cloud: Oh, okay. Quite simple, what about the lore?

Angeal: What does a Star Trek character has to do with it?

Cloud: Oh god... Sephiroth, PLEASE, tell me you have something we can work with.

Sephiroth: Yes, my character is Trevor, he's from Inismore, a duelist, decided to focus on finesse since it'll serve lots when doing acrobatics on a boat. He was born on the capital, but moved to the coast. *Hands it over a character sheet PERFECTLY done*

Cloud: Oh! That's more like it! Simple, original and you even took into consideration the secret arts! Nice going.

Sephiroth: I also studied the rules and other nations and jobs. I can help correcting them.

Cloud: Oh, okay? Well, you got the character sheet right, why don't you go ahead with helping Zack with his character? I'm gonna help Angeal and Genesis is grounded because he overdid himself.

After that, Cloud sat down with Angeal and started to distributing the points. Angeal started arguing over his characters age affecting his points, because no matter the age, he had a good training routine and diet will help lots on a old age.

Cloud argues that affects jack shit in an RPG and they started yelling at each other.

Zack asks Sephiroth about Inismore and he started explaining the lore.

Genesis: You cut uncle Archibald?! He's the reason Jacques learns piano in the first place!

Angeal and Cloud are STILL arguing over the fact that his character can use magic and fight at the same time.

Cloud tries to explain that his character can't learn Hexe because he isn't born in Eisen.

Angeal argues that he fought in the war for thirty years and he can.

Cloud refutes that he wasn't born in Eisen. And thus, can't learn their magic.

Zack asks Sephiroth about Eisen, of which he starts explaining.

Genesis: How dare you cut my clarinet lessons out?! They were the therapeutical relief Jacques needed after his grandfather felt from his horse!

Now Angeal is arguing over not wanting to leave his mother behind and wanting to take her along so he can heal her illness.

Cloud refutes that it's gonna be a unnecessary drag for their session, since that would distract him too much.

Angeal counter argues that he won't leave without his mother.

Cloud tries to explain how much of a dead weight a ill relative would be at their one-shot.

Sephiroth tosses his book at Cloud.

Sephiroth: Do not talk like this of his mother!

Cloud gets pissed, but Angeal stops him from tossing the book back at Sephiroth.

Angeal: Thanks, Seph, but I can handle myself.

Sephiroth: You better be.

Angeal: ... You're not gonna romance my mother.

Sephiroth: WHY NOT?!

Genesis: NO! WHY CUT LITTLE LISA?! SHE'S JUST A BABY!

Cloud: EXACTLY! A BABY THAT, QUOTING YOU, IS A SEVENTH GRADE RELATIVE THAT YOUR CHARACTER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!

A huge fight ensues, Zack is drinking his energy drink and eating chips as he just sees chaos ensue.

Sephiroth tries to hit Cloud, but punches Genesis.

Genesis pulls Angeal's hair.

Angeal tries to hit Genesis, but hits Sephiroth.

The trio started fighting and Cloud sneaked out of there, seating by Zack's side. He takes a energy drinks and the two share potato chips.

Later that night, the five are called in Lazard's office.

Tabletop RPGs are now forbidden in the SOLDIER floor.

[implausiblyjosh]

The Franchise Killer

Is there such thing as a Franchise Killer? Some piece of media that just ends the whole franchise, so bad it ruins everything. I don't think so?

I'm a Star Trek: Picard hater, I think it's a bad show. It does weird things with the characters, has no care for it's own "lore" and narrative, and largely feels like a cash-grab to get some Nostalgia Points from people who like TNG-era Trek. However, I don't think it ruins Star Trek or killed the franchise. There is still more Star Trek coming out, and good Star Trek at that! Strange New Worlds is probably some of the best Trek being made, and it started after the premiere of Picard!

If you go back further, you could argue that the TOS movies killed Star Trek, but eventually the TNG-Era of Star Trek happens. You could argue that Enterprise or Voyager killed Star Trek, but Star Trek (2009) came out. And you could argue that the Star Trek (2009) trilogy of movies killed Star Trek, but Star Trek: Discovery came out. Some of these may be bad, but they definitely didn't kill the franchise.

Maybe Star Trek is a bad example. Maybe Gilmore Girls? If I'm remembering the details of production around that show (I am not looking it up lol), Gilmore Girls lost a lot of core, behind-the-scenes creatives before Season 7. This made for a rough final season of TV, with characterization being off or bad, and plots picked up and dropped in strange ways, and resulted in a season of TV that the fandom didn't like. And yet, 9 years after Gilmore Girls ends, we get A Year In The Life. An while A Year In The Life was also not very good by my estimation, it doesn't seem like a Franchise Killer. I mean, there was a Walmart commercial made in this year, 2024, using Gilmore Girls characters!

And this isn't to say that Franchises don't die. I think they definitely can, and do, die. The CWverse has been done for a bit now, first with The Flash (2014) ending in 2023 and then the final nail being Superman & Lois ending this year. There could still be more, the DC stories all exist in a multiverse that allows for lots of characters to show up again, so maybe they'll appear in a comic or novel or something. The DC Animated Universe of shows, with Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series, Justice League, and more, is basically done. But even then, they still get little bits and pieces here and there, like the Batman: The Adventures Continue comic and the Justice League vs. the Fatal Five straight-to-DVD movie. It seems like Power Rangers might be in a current slump, with Cosmic Fury being the last TV show made. However, there are still new comics and video games coming out, and it doesn't look like Super Sentai, the Japanese show that Power Rangers is based on and uses footage from, is slowing down at all.

Maybe it's one of those things that, on a long enough timeline, there can never really be a Franchise Killer. We live in an era where franchises continue to get reboots, remixes, re-imaginings, continuations, extensions, and on and on. Disney will be making Star Wars and Marvel stuff until I die. Star Trek keeps plugging along. People are still desperately trying to make Ghostbusters a thing. There's a new Lord of the Rings anime movie coming out soon. Maybe franchises live forever.

[sshbpodcast]

Top Five Star Trek ENT Episodes

by Ames

Well, this is going to be a short blogpost, y’all. Sorry for the disappointment, but blame Enterprise! There just weren’t that many episodes that your A Star to Steer Her By hosts really liked – not even enough to fill the image grid above, so guess which ones made it as honorable mentions! Or perhaps it was just that the best of the best really rose to the top in a way that four Trekkies with entirely different tastes could even agree on them. So you’re going to see way more overlap in our favorite episodes than in any Trek series before! Even The Animated Series, which only had twenty-two terrible episodes to choose from!

Star Trek: Enterprise occasionally capitalized on its prequel premise with backstory that expanded the franchise in an interesting way, came up with original science fiction ideas, or just plain caved and gave the audience the fanwank they wanted. Read on below and listen to this week’s podcast episode (jump to 1:32:58 for the series wrap) with bonus picks from guest star Liz for the times that we found most successful from an otherwise mediocre show.

[images © CBS/Paramount]

“Acquisition”: Chris Like in Voyager’s Top Five Eps last year, Chris is getting us started with an entirely fluffy Ferengi episode. We’re actually a little bit disappointed it has made this list because that means there wasn’t anything better to displace it, but that’s not our fault. So just accept that you’re going to fanwank about Ferengi goofiness; squee whenever familiar faces like Jeffrey Combs, Ethan Phillips, and Clint Howard are on screen utterly devouring the scenery; and enjoy the ride.

“Borderland”: Caitlin Speaking of familiar faces, Brent Spiner is back as yet another mad scientist Soong, pressing all the right buttons. How can you not get entirely drawn in by the cocky swagger so reminiscent of Lore? There’s also an Orion slave market (before they ruin the damn Orions in “Bound”) run by the Big Show and that’s just so right. There’s a lot of potential here in the start of this Augments arc, even if the Augments themselves are somehow the least interesting part of it.

“In a Mirror, Darkly”: Chris We could have seen this one coming for years now. Of course the kooky mirror universe episode was going to make Chris’s best list. It’s a screwball concept full of references to make a nerd’s heart swell, lots of overacting from the cast, and a theme song that isn’t “Where My Heart Will Take Me.” The episode also greatly succeeds in finding a way to reward diehard fans with scenes on a Constitution-class starship like in DS9’s “Trials and Tribble-ations,” which Chris also unsurprisingly put on a seasons tops list.

“Observer Effect”: Ames, Caitlin This bottle episode is so successful in its medium that I’m this close to knocking off “Remember Me” as my best example of a bottle episode in a past blogpost. It’s the rare instance of an episode that actually gives the whole cast something to do – even Anthony Montgomery, though we must admit that it’s not as Mayweather that he gets to strut his stuff. I’d call “Observer Effect” a simple premise executed excellently. It may not blow any minds, but it’s just so competent that we had to commend it.

“Dead Stop”: Caitlin, Jake Another fairly simple premise executed well comes early in season two, with a rare example of something truly original to come out of Enterprise. The concept of the nefarious autonomous repair station is just so compelling and creepy, and the tension builds throughout the episode when we start to see that the crew’s desperation to fix the ship is used against them. Roxann Dawson as the inhuman and apathetic voice of the repair station just adds to its success.

“Twilight”: Ames, Jake Is “Twilight” a little bit “Yesterday’s Enterprise”? Sure, but that’s actually a good thing in this case because Archer’s alternate future is a new twist on the trope with a really clever solution to negate the issue and get the timeline back on track. And I’m just such a sucker for a memory loss story because it’s so tragic and fascinating to see caregiver T’Pol have to explain to an amnesiac Archer that Earth was destroyed. Daily. Only for him to forget everything the following morning. What a heart-breaking life.

“Carbon Creek”: Ames, Chris, Jake Another fresh take on storytelling is the fable that T’Pol tells about her second foremother’s historic first contact with humans. Zephram, eat your heart out. It’s just such a clever little story about Vulcans living outside their element, having the occasional fish-out-of-water experience with Earth culture, and coming to understand humans a little more. And how can you not ship Mestral and Maggie a little bit?

“Similitude”: Ames, Caitlin, Chris, Jake It’s a tie for the best episode of the series, with a pair of episodes that fully swept the SSHB hosts’ choices. Let’s start it off with the really cool concept of a clone with a fifteen-day life cycle. Unlike in something like “Cogenitor” over on the bad list of the series, it’s clear in this episode that you’re meant to sympathize with Sim and understand that Archer and Phlox are doing something utterly unethical because of their circumstances. And damn, does Connor Trinneer rock this episode!

“Shuttlepod One”: Ames, Caitlin, Chris, Jake Last but definitely not least is another bottle episode, showing you just why less is more. It’s such a simple character study of how Trip and Reed each handle catastrophe while freezing their asses off on a shuttlepod lightyears away from anything. It’s also another actor showcase for Dominic Keating and Connor Trinneer, who add so much nuance to two characters dealing with hope and hopelessness.

—

See also: our Bottom Five Star Trek Enterprise Episodes list. And if you want more: here’re all the past seasonal tops and bottoms from seasons 1, 2, 3, and 4!

For those of you keeping count, that’s only nine episodes among four hosts. And two with full sweeps! And thus we close the history book on Enterprise and start voyaging past the classic Trek era. We’ve got more Trek series on the way soon on the podcast, so make sure you’re listening along on SoundCloud or wherever you get your podcasts. And keep your eyes here for our highly awaited Enterprise fanfics next week!  You can also hail us on Facebook and Twitter, and we’ll see you on Risa!

[spacedadpicard]

For your writing commissions do you have any examples of your work? Do you take fanfiction requests? If so what fandoms are you comfortable writing for? Is one of them Doctor Who? Do you have a list of things you will and won’t write?

hi! :) thanks for your message.

i do have examples of my work! click here to check out my ao3 page or here for a google doc of assorted excerpts, both from original works and fanfics.

i have recently discovered that making money from fanfictions is a bit of a legal grey area, so i do not advertise fanfic commissions on my blog. that being said, if you wanted to request a fic and just so happened to want to tip me for my time and services, that would be alright!

fandoms i am comfortable writing for include twin peaks, star trek: the next generation, star trek: deep space nine, star wars, hannibal, baldur's gate 3, dragon age: inquisition, the lord of the rings, the plague tale series, it's always sunny in philadelphia, game of thrones, and others. feel free to ask about specific fandoms!

regarding dw, i have quite limited experience of it. i mostly know the tenth and eleventh doctors. if you'd like fic based on any of the other generations, i'm happy to try and chase down a few episodes and try my hand at it, if you like, but you may get a better result trying someone with more experience of the fandom (especially if your prompt requires a deep knowledge of dw lore).

finally, regarding things i will and won't write, i'm pretty adaptable. i am comfortable writing in a variety of genres and am reader- and OC-friendly. when it comes to topics, i'm pretty relaxed. i am a-okay with writing graphic content and handling dark subject matter. this extends to topics such as CSA, assault, etc., which probably goes without saying given a couple of fandoms on my list; as a survivor of abuse, i believe stories that handle these topics are important. that said, i am not comfortable describing such acts in vivid detail or placing them within a context that presents them as titillating or that tries to excuse them. i am not interested in presenting harmful action without trying to interrogate it. that is a hard line for me.

i think that covers everything! please do feel free to send me a follow-up ask or shoot me a message if you have any further questions.

[nathanielbuildsatesseract]

Been thinking about teleporter technology (as one does) and, entirely separately from the philosophical issues, I don't think sci-fi writers appreciate just how many nines they require to be functional tools.

For example, if I'm teleporting from a spacecraft in low-Earth orbit to a point on the ground directly below, then a 0.001% error in the range is either going to drop me several meters in the air or bury me several meters underground. It has to be significantly more accurate if I'm going anywhere other than directly down.

You also have to match relative velocities (spacecraft in LEO is going 7.7 km/s, while the maximum Earth surface speed is 0.46 km/s). Even assuming those velocity vectors are aligned (they probably aren't), then a 1% error in velocity is going to have me slamming against the wall at 161 miles per hour. Even if it's 0.01%, instantly accelerating to 1.6 mph is probably enough to make me fall over.

If we can't guarantee velocity matches upwards of 99.999% and positional matches upwards of 99.999999%, then you're only going to want to use these things on a pad-to-pad basis. This is a lot safer, since you only have to match position and velocity relative to the pad itself, and a 1% error between those vectors is going to be actually negligible.

Larry Niven's teleporter booths operated on this principle, but he still devoted plenty of stories to working out both the physical and sociological implications of teleportation technology.

Stargate obeys this sometimes (using the transportation rings), and sometimes ignores it (with "beaming" transporters). In both cases, it's technology developed by advanced precursor races that the human characters are just borrowing.

Star Trek, on the other hand, ignores all these restrictions and then typically has to devote at least one episode per season to why the transporter is a terrible, terrible idea. The transporter, of course, is embedded Trek lore that they can't remove. If you're creating a sci-fi setting from scratch, however, you'd probably be better off not having teleportation to begin with—unless your goal is specifically to explore the implications of such technology.

[weerd1]

Yet another tale of how much I owe Star Trek

So this is something I haven’t talked about in years, but I was feeling nostalgic today and wanted to capture something. I wanted to write down how Star Trek got me through adolescence. 

Now, I’d already begun decoding Trek and it was already untying the knots my conservative upbringing was instilling from a young age. I can talk about “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield” being so on the nose, but 11 year old me NEEDING to see that message about skin color so badly. However, this is not about Trek making me a better person (which it did); this is about Trek helping me learn how to BE a person.  Much more after the jump...

When I was in sixth grade, in about 1984 (I’m 50 now for reference) I got a copy of the old FASA Star Trek role-playing game. Please keep in mind that at this point, there is TOS, TAS, three movies, the novels, and a few comics, but that’s about it. I was consuming and reconsuming them voraciously when I got this game. As a small-for-his-age, nerdy, poor kid living in a trailer, the idea that I could roll a few dice and…BE in Star Trek was a potent elixir. 

Other people around me were growing up. Toys cast aside, actually interacting with other people in nascent romances; I was rushing home to watch GI Joe and Transformers after school. I was playing with Star Wars figures. I was now going through Starfleet Academy, and all it took was a pencil and 2D10. (Sidenote- the FASA RPG system remains one of my favorite RPGs second only to Fantasy Flight Games’ Star Wars system.) It was a way of adding the unknown to fanfiction I was already writing through  my MEGO Trek figures. 

I created a character, a descendant of my own (the biggest fantasy at that time being that I would ever find someone with whom I could start a line of descendants), promoted them to Captain and looking in the “Federation Ship Recognition Manual,” picked out a starship: the NCC-1754 USS Kitty Hawk.

My adventures had begun. Borrowing PLENTY from my heroes, my character was half-Vulcan, and 100% self-insert. To me, this was the POINT of an RPG. It was me, but the version of me I wished I could be. 

As the year went by, I picked up MORE novels and managed to find more TOS episodes (mostly on videodisc at a local place called “Movies to Go”). My sixth grade teacher, Mr. Toresdahl, was a Trekkie and would spend time he probably should have spent convincing me to do homework talking trivia. I would pick up the supplemental bits of the RPG: The Star Trek III Starship Combat Game, the miniatures, modules, reference books.

Probably the most important was when I got “The Romulans” which were certainly my favorite Trek villain.  This was helped along in NO small part by Diane Duane and her novels starting with “My Enemy, My Ally,” and later “The Romulan Way.” Without a whole lot coming out of Paramount for Star Trek at the time, there was a lot of borrowing between the existing media.

The RPG borrowed from the novels. The DC Comics series which started after the film “The Wrath of Khan” borrowed from the RPG.*

There was a congruence of some sort forming, and being as into the RPG as I was, it made me pretty well versed in all the lore. I started finding (and eventually writing for) fanzines at that point. I scoured “Starlog” magazine for Trek news and opinion. I was dead set that I would not rest until I knew all there was to know about Star Trek. 

When I started 7th Grade, there was a shift in the world around me.  Junior High meant multiple classes and even “electives.” Again, the whole physical specter of preteen sexuality was unfolding (and the examples around a young boy in the mid-eighties were seldom the healthiest). It was like I’d landed suddenly after the summer on a whole new planet, and I wasn’t sure how to cope with it all. 

But luckily, I had access to a version of me for whom landing on strange, new worlds was old hat. 

And so, I began what I can only now call LARPing life. I decided I WAS Captain Daomer. I invented an intricate “campaign” for myself, where 23rd Century Romulans (thanks again, Ms. Duane) had come back to Earth’s past to change our history, prevent the Federation from forming.** Just luckily, the Kitty Hawk was monitoring tachyon emissions in a singularity adjacent to the Sol system, and picked up the coming changes to the causality chain. At the last minute a hasty slingshot maneuver around the black hole had taken me and my crew to the time and place of the primary Romulan incursion: Southern Arizona in 1985. Of course.

Now, was this just a protective shell inside my head where I would pretend to be Captain Daomer pretending to be Daniel dealing with the intricacies of social interaction in the 7th grade?  Of COURSE not. I told anyone who would listen the whole story.

For about the next six years. 

I was in a small enough town that my school, Palominas Elementary, was a K-8.  I’d been with the same folks and staff more or less my entire school career. So, when I had to take a bus 30 minutes away to the nearest town to begin attending High School, did I change the story? Did I keep it to myself?  Oh no; if anything I became MORE flamboyant about it. Still a skinny nerd, I wasn’t picked on. Why? Because that kid’s the “Spock Guy,” and why would anyone mess with that Spock Guy?

Something important DID change between my Freshman and Sophomore year though. Star Trek: The Next Generation debuted. So, I had to update my story a bit.  My half-Vulcan character had returned to the 23rd century, continued his career, and in the 24th century, after being promoted to Commodore and as a fleet commander claiming the new Galaxy-Class USS Kitty Hawk as my flagship, had discovered post-Tomed Romulans were up to their old tricks.  That allowed me a real coup at one point, as I had caught through some fan publication early wind of Denise Crosby leaving the show, and “accidentally” dropped my knowledge that Lt. Tasha Yar was going to die before it happened on the TV. Proof of future knowledge! 

My Junior year, I was approached by a fellow student who was writing for the school paper and wanted to interview me.  We spent a couple of class periods talking about my “backstory” and I realized this person knew at least as much—if not more—about Trek than I did. The school paper never did run the interview, but some 35 years later that kid, Will Schwartz (yes, THE Schwartz) remains my best friend. 

I had already started to slow the story down a bit the summer before my Senior year, but also that summer, well, I met a girl. We were hitting it off. But when she mentioned going out with me, the school grapevine was quick to ask, “Are you dating that Spock Guy?” 

And she didn’t run away. Indeed, when she’d once demonstrated she knew all the lyrics to Neil Young’s “After The Gold Rush,” I figured she was a girl I should talk into marrying me. When she accepted I was that Spock guy, because after all, her Dad was a Trekkie and had an AMAZING collection of science fiction paperbacks, well that clinched it for me. Today, Jennifer and I are celebrating our 33rd wedding anniversary. 

So, as I went out into the world after high school, did I never call on Commodore Daomer again?  I can’t say never. Sometimes in a military career when facing danger, or briefing an officer with stars on their shoulders, a mask of stoic Vulcan control would come out of that box in the attic of my brain and get me through. But more directly, Star Trek, and my immersion thereof got me through 7th to 12th grade and gave me a broader world view, a friend for decades, and helped me identify the love of my life.  

Thank you Star Trek for all of that. Thank you creators for the assist. Thank you fellow fans for helping it be such a rich world, and thank you Commodore Daomer for your 24th Century wisdom.

One little coda.  I still watch a lot of Star Trek. Old, new…I don’t like everything that comes out, but I love it all, and that’s something I think some fans struggle with. However, there was a lovely new starship introduced not long ago, and I had to immediately find a fan produced model and make some custom changes.

The Kitty Hawk-A goes boldly... Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning.

*The DC series had some wonderful early issues ALSO written by Diane Duane! Who can forget the Ajir and the Grond? Or McCoy accessing Spock’s katra still lurking within? Wonderful. The fact I’m mutuals here on Tumblr with someone who was such an influence to young me is probably the thing about my life now the kid in the trailer would be most skeptical of. 

**Thanks to Strange New Worlds for canonizing this, by the way.