#(I'm not even like that emotional or mad at like my family anymore they're missing out on seeing me happier and happy that's their loss)

[amberjazmyn]

take me back (to the night we met) 💔

pairing : lando norris x fem!reader

summary : with some of the lyrics of lord huron's 'the night we met', we see lando remember the day he lost the love of his life in car accident and wishing he could go back to the night they first met.

warnings :  sad lando, crying, flashbacks, grief, character death

a/n :  this is an old one-shot i wrote years ago but i wanna rewrite it as i am literally struggling atm with ideas. i really love making lando have such depressing one-shots don't i? 

twelve months juliannah, remind me please why you got into that car...

i shudder as i rock back and forth subconsciously as i sit up in my bed. it was the same dream every single night. it's been a year since my girlfriend, juliannah, passed way due to a car crash and it was taking over my life. i couldn't even sleep or do anything without her being right there at the forefront of every single thought and feeling i had. there were days i got mad and there were days where i was sad and couldn't do anything but cry. but, today, it seemed as though i was mad because it felt like i didn't deserve to lose my girlfriend and that my girlfriend didn't deserve to die that day. it was actually her birthday today, that's why i'm probably so sad and angry because she's no longer here to celebrate it anymore.

"...lando, sweetheart, are you awake?" my mum calls out as i hum

"yes mum, i'm awake!" i grumble as mum sighs before walking into my room

"good. because we have a big day ahead of us, we..."

"...doing what?" i argue, sitting myself up in my bed as i fluff with my messy bed hair as my mum sighs again

"well, i thought because of what day it is today, that we'd go down to the cemetery to see juliannah and then visit her parents and siblings, see how they're doing and then go out for dinner together..." mum trailed off as i was shocked that mum even remembered juliannah's birthday because before now she has never remembered it

"...you...you remember juliannah's birthday?" i stammer as mum sighed again with a soft smile as she moved further into my room

"of course i have. contrary to belief, i have always remembered her birthday, you've just never noticed it and always chalked it up as me forgetting her birthday. i could never forget her birthday, she's family," mum smiled softly, her arms crossing over as tears start to well in my eyes as i smile as well and nod my head

"thanks mum...for...for remembering..." i stammer out as i try to hold back the tears as mum smiles and nods her head as she sits on my bed next to me

she grabs my hand and holds it tightly, "...we all miss her, lando but, you can't keep doing this to yourself. this is why i wanted to do this today, on juliannah's birthday so i could force you to leave the house and your bedroom because it's not healthy for you to stay in here and just wilt away to nothingness, lando..." mum also got emotional as this was clearly hurting my mum as well that i was still so devastated after juliannah's death

"...i know mum but what else is there for me to do other than rot in my bed?" i whispered softly as mum smirked as she messed up my hair even more

"live, lando. return to formula 1. that's what juliannah would want you to be doing. so do it, learn how to love life again because you loved it..." mum trailed off as she gave me a kiss to the head and then walked out of my room, expecting that in the next five minutes i'd be out of bed and in a clean outfit for the day

and, i couldn't argue with my mum. she was right. i did love life and driving with mclaren for formula 1 but that was with juliannah there watching and cheering for me but, i think i could relearn how to love life and return to f1 again without her. then, as i got up out of bed and walked over to my closet, i seemed to forget the framed photo of me and juliannah that i had placed in there as i was overcome with a memory of the both of us and i just froze...

flashback | juliannah's pov

...i giggle as i lay down on the couch in the norris' living room. lando, my boyfriend, was home in bristol after a triple header of races and he and his brother oliver were play fighting before they had decided to move the play fighting over to me. and, their choice of attack was to tickle me.

"...ow ow, stop!" i squeal as suddenly lando or oliver, i don't even know who it was but, one of the brothers had tickled me too rough which had me squeal out in pain

"shoot, are you okay juliannah?" oliver responds, oh, it was oliver as i giggle softly, sitting up from my previous laying position

"yeah, i'm okay *giggles* don't worry about it oliver," i giggle as i notice that he could relax properly after i reassured him that i was alright

i then go back to lie down and mindlessly scroll through a photo album of baby lando and oliver when i groan involuntarily. i then look up to see that lando had taken his opportunity to straddle me. the photo album chucked to the side as i go up to kiss him before giggling.

"...you two are so cute and so lucky that i took the photo on time!" lando and i suddenly hear, turning to our left we see that oliver had taken a photo with the old polaroid to capture the moment of lando and i

"aw, thanks oliver!" i smile as i then push lando off of me slightly as he then proceeds to be dramatic whilst i grab the polaroid from his brother to see the photo he had taken

wasting no time, i stuck the polaroid into the photo album that i was just looking at. sure, the photo wasn't a baby photo but, it was sweet photo of one of the babies in the album. 

present time | lando's pov

i smile as i stare at that specific polaroid that i had framed that juliannah had stuck in the photo album of baby photos of oliver, flo, cisca and i all those years ago. it made me feel so much better in knowing that she didn't rip it or throw it away as she had jokingly threatened she would to my mum when she asked about how that photo had even got into the baby photo album.

"...lando? seriously honey, we're about to leave for the cemetery in like a minute. you sure you're okay?" mum calls out from the entry way of the hallway as i smile to no one and call back out

"oh...yeah..yeah, i'm okay mum. sorry, i'm getting ready now, i won't take too much longer!" i call back out as i feel like my mum knows when i'm lying and bluffing but she didn't question it any further

and that was because i didn't take much longer to get ready even though i got distracted by the photo frame i had hidden away in my wardrobe purposefully. rushing down the stairs in my high school hoodie and some nice jeans and sneakers, i met the rest of my family at the door.

of course, i got looks of worry but i just ignored them because i couldn't have my family knowing just how devastated i still was about my girlfriend's death one year on. oliver kept an eye on me during the drive to the cemetery where juliannah had been laid to rest but i just didn't want to acknowledge it, until he forced me to.

"...lando, are you sure you're okay? you've been quite this whole trip..." oliver trailed off as i huffed, resting my hand on my chin as my elbow rested on the car window of which i looked out of

"...oliver, leave your brother alone please. if he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't have to, alright darling? he'll talk to us when he's ready..." mum then piped up as she looked at oliver through the rear-view mirror as the older brother sighed but nodded his head

respecting that i didn't want to have conversation on the drive and that i'd talk when i was ready, oliver nodded his head and turned it to look out of his window as one sister, cisca was in the front seat and flo was in between oliver and i. we then arrived at the cemetery and straight away, hopping out of the car, i smiled as i recognised one of the people already at juliannah's gravestone.

it was juliannah's sister helena who i don't think i'd actually seen since juliannah's funeral two weeks after juliannah's death. she was wearing a sweet white dress with juliannah's old red bow in her hair and she looked so happy and alive whereas i was the complete opposite.

"...helena!" i mumbled as i broke away from my family and ran over to helena who met me halfway between juliannah's grave and the road where mum had parked her car

she smiled and immediately gave me a hug, "lando? what are you doing here? i wrongly assumed you had returned back to formula 1," she wasn't saying that in a bad way i know but it was a good question since i hadn't been here since her funeral and burial - fair of her to say that she thought i had returned back to racing

"oh, mum suggested that because it's juliannah's birthday today that we should come down to visit her and then catch up with you guys at the house and then go out for dinner together...and i haven't touched a car let alone a racing car really since juliannah's accident..." i trailed off as helena smiled as her face softened after my reasoning for not returning to f1

"...aw, that's really sweet of your mum, lando and, i do apologise for incorrectly assuming you had returned to formula 1! i'm glad you guys are here actually as i'm the only one here and looks like the only one...mum refused, dad's working so it's not really his choice or fault and the other siblings have also said they'd rather celebrate juliannah anywhere but the cemetery so..." helena trailed off as i smirked and nodded my head, understanding why one wouldn't want to be at a cemetery to celebrate a birthday

"...yeah, understandable but, it's still nice i guess to make an effort to visit and, please don't apologise for your assumption, i get that comment a lot actually..." i trail off as i realise i sound like a total arsehole since i was someone who never really made an effort until been forced to today to make an effort to visit and helena caught that too as she giggled

"...it is and, i'm glad you did make an effort cause i know it's just as hard for you as it is for the rest of us..." helena trailed off as she held my hand and started to walk the both of us closer to juliannah's gravestone

i was so scared to actually see the gravestone again but, i was glad i had helena with me as she spoke up again, "...she really loved you, lando. she was obsessed with you, totally obsessed and i think that's why it hurts so much more because she would never get the chance to marry you and have kids with you..." helena sighed as she tilted her head, looking at the photo of her sister that was etched into her marble gravestone

i became teary-eyed as i stared at the photo myself. she looked so young but that's because she was. she wasn't even in her mid-twenties, she was only twenty-two and she'll always stay as a twenty-two year old for the rest of her life. not getting the chance to grow old anymore because her life was so brutally taken away from her.

"...i remember her telling me that she wanted to marry me eventually. i just feel bad that i never got to tell her that..." i sniffled as helena held my hand tighter and held me closer as she rested her head on my shoulder

"...i'm sorry too lando. especially since it's obvious that you're still struggling and then you see me and my family and it looks like we've got our shit all sorted and it makes you feel like utter shit that you're still grieving and still struggling in even returning back to the thing you loved the most that wasn't juliannah..." helena looked at me as a tear streamed down my cheek as i nodded my head

"...it's not just your family, helena. it's mine as well, i mean, they all look put together and happy and then there's me. wearing the same sweater, jeans and sneakers with messy hair and a face that looks like it's been punched over and over again..." i mutter, trailing off as helena just pulls me in for a hug, turning me away from juliannah's gravestone as i just cry

"...and i'm so sorry we didn't notice you struggle, lando. we should've been there to help you as it's not easy to lose the love of your life this young. and it's not supposed to happen this way, you were supposed to live the rest of your lives together. you were supposed to get married and have children together and make cute little f1 babies together and i'm so sorry you'll never get that life with juliannah." helena whispered as she held me tightly as i just continued to cry

and i didn't care if my mum, dad and siblings were watching. i wanted them to see just how hurt i still was over juliannah's death after a year of her being gone. sure, it should make me feel slightly guilty seeing how guilty they are but, at this point, i feel like they deserve to feel bad. they deserved to know that they were at some fault for why i was still struggling.

after a while though, my tears finally stopped and we decided that we would leave the cemetery as it was clearly not the smartest idea to stay here any longer. so, because helena was dropped off at the cemetery on her dad's way to work and because we had room in the car, helena came with us in the car as we drove back to her house. we then spent the rest of the day with helena and her family for juliannah's birthday. then, we went out to juliannah's favourite restaurant for dinner and truthfully, it was lovely and it was the best way we could have celebrated juliannah's twenty-third birthday. the only thing that was obviously missing was juliannah.

i am not the only traveller who has not repaid his debt

as we travelled home after dinner with helena and juliannah's family, my heart broke once again as i couldn't help but wish juliannah was still here with us. flo, who sat in the middle seat in the back of the car, held my hand, noticing that i wasn't okay. and i squeezed her hand, telling her thank you and i appreciate what she's doing to help me. because i think what helena said at the cemetery really stuck with them and they realised that what they thought was helpful wasn't actually helpful at all. and, it was in that moment that they knew they had to change their tactics and they did. and i was grateful for that because, if it wasn't for helena reading my mind, i don't think i could have told my family at all that what they were doing wasn't actually as helpful as they thought it was.

i've been searching for a trail to follow again. take me back to the night we met.

in all honesty, as i walked back up the stairs to my bedroom, seeing all around me how messy it was, and how i was so embarrassed about the fact that i was juliannah's boyfriend. and i say that because i was hiding all of my physical memories of juliannah's. for example, all of our photos and polaroids, they were all hidden away in cupboards and tucked away behind clothes in my wardrobe because i was scared to look at them for the fear i'd cry and unable to stop crying. and in all honesty, at the time, it seemed like a good idea but looking back now, it was the wrong thing to do. who cares if i do cry looking at the photos? it just means that i really did love and care about juliannah. and it meant that i wanted to be taken back to that first night we met.

a knock was then heard at my door, "...lando?" it was mum as i smiled

"yeah mum?" i smiled as i turned around to see mum opening my door wider

"how did it feel returning back to juliannah's gravestone? i'm sorry if it was too much..." mum trailed off as i shook my head and sat on the edge of my bed

"...don't apologise mum. at first, i will admit, it was awful but the moment i saw helena i knew i could relax and that it was all going to be okay..." i trailed off with a smile as mum relaxed and nodded her head

"...that's good well, what are you doing in here?" mum asks as she notices my cupboard and wardrobe was open as i laughed

"oh, uh, hah, i was just going to bring out all the the things i have of juliannah out of hiding and kind of display them around my room..." i trailed off as mum smiled as she nodded her head

"...that's a brilliant idea, lando. i'm guessing it was something that helena told you to do?" mum questioned with a certain look on her face as i chuckled

"what if it was helena's suggestion? she's just telling me her tips as to what helped her and what didn't," i groaned as mum held her hands up and smiled

"i'm not suggesting anything or i'm not saying anything. i'm just glad we saw helena at the cemetery before dinner actually. she seems to know a lot more on how to help you then we do and i'm glad she's suggested for you to look at the things of juliannah's that you still have of her. it's a thing that will help you..." mum trailed off as i spoke up again

"...even if it takes me back to the day we met?" i question as mum sighed and nodded her head

"even if it takes you back to the day you met, lando," mum nodded her head as i did as well as i found myself suddenly clocking onto juliannah's oversized high school hoodie

and mum noticed it as well as she smiled, "do you want to be left alone, lando?" mum questioned as i gulped the sudden tears that had welled in my eyes and nodded my head

"uh, yes...yes please, thanks mum..." i trailed off, my voice cracking as mum nodded her head

"...alright. i love you always lando," mum whispered as she then left the room without another word and closed my door behind her

after mum left i just cried some more with my back against the wardrobe that i had seen juliannah's high school hoodie in as i held it and cried into it. it still smelt like juliannah's perfume since this was the hoodie she was actually wearing on the day i first met her with this exact scent all over it. and now, i didn't want that scent to disappear even though i knew it eventually would. but before it could do that, i was soaking up all of the smell of my deceased girlfriend since it had felt like forever since i had last smelt the scent.

and then i can tell myself what the hell am i supposed to do and then i can tell myself not to ride along with you.

it had been a couple of weeks after juliannah's birthday and seeing helena when i was having an emotional breakdown. the worst one i had had since the day juliannah died. i didn't know what to do so the only thing i could think to do was to take mum's car and drive down to the cemetery. it was also the first time i had even driven a car since juliannah's accident as i had gotten so paranoid even though it's literally what i do for a living. 

i know i looked stupid to the other people in the cemetery since i was wearing my pyjamas but, i was at a loss of what to do without juliannah. so, like a crazy psycho, i started to talk to my girlfriend's gravestone as though it was a conversation and she could respond to me.

"...juliannah, what...what the hell am i supposed to do without you? i...i don't know what to do anymore..." i sobbed as i fell to my knees, the wilting flowers seemingly following me in a dance as they fold over themselves

i cry more after i get no response. of course i don't get a response, juliannah's dead and i can't do anything about it. i sit in morbid silence for what felt like hours and it probably was as it had suddenly gotten a lot colder then what it was when i first arrived. but it was peaceful and i liked that it was peaceful because of all the limited times i had been here at juliannah's grave, it had never been this calm. that was until i heard footsteps come up behind me. and i was curious as to who it was as they were getting closer and then i realised it was helena.

she was wearing one of juliannah's old sweaters and ugg boots with leggings and long white fluffy socks. which was different to the short sleeve plaid pyjamas i was wearing. with her arms crossed and a worried look on her face, she pulled me into a hug. which we stayed in for a while until she felt comfortable in letting me go.

"...what are you doing here all alone in this weather, lando?" helena asked with worry as i shrugged my shoulders as i wiped my face of the tears i had cried

"i guess...i guess i'm just confused and want an answer, helena. i don't know what to do anymore i mean, how am i supposed to live without her...how do i return back to racing without her..." i trailed off as helena smiled and nodded her head as she grabbed my hand and sat the both of us down

"...you just do, lando. that's all you can do at this point and i'm sure juliannah wouldn't like it that you're still so stuck and not able to move on and haven't gone back to racing. i mean, i could help you with it and i'm sure she wouldn't mind it..." helena trailed off as she moved closer to my face as i was unsure as to what she was doing

"...what..what do you mean, helena?" i ask, moving my face away as she then realises and she pulls back as well

"oh...oh my gosh..i am so sorry lando! i didn't...i shouldn't have done that..." helena trailed off as she went to run away but i stopped her, grabbing her hand and pulled her back in

"...no, tell me helena, what were you going to do?" i questioned as helena sighed and looked at me

"i...i was going to kiss you, lando...but it...it's okay if you didn't want that or..." okay, did not think she was going to be honest but, i have to give it to her, it made me smile and not because i thought she was joking because i knew she wasn't

"...what if i was going to say yes..." i whispered as helena's eyes widened, i knew she didn't think i would have said yes to her kissing me, especially at the gravestone of her sister and my girlfriend

but, it was at this moment that helena took her shot and i allowed her too, "...then...can...can i kiss you, lando?" helena whispered as i nodded my head as we moved our faces closer to one another before our lips touched and it felt like sparks were flying in my stomach again

okay, yes, i know it's kind of weird and inappropriate to kiss the sister of your dead girlfriend only a year after her death but, technically, i didn't initiate it. and besides, juliannah did always joke that if she did die before me and her could get married that helena did have permission to pursue a relationship with me if she so chose to and she also, juliannah, gave that permission to me as well. so, i think that's what helena was trying to do? we then pulled out of the kiss and we both took in deep breaths after losing our breath during the kiss.

and helena spoke up first with worry, "was...was that a good kiss? i mean, i've never kissed anyone before and i..." before helena could continue blabbing, i pulled her back in and kissed her again

i pulled out of the kiss and smirked, "...was that a good kiss?" i teased as helena chuckled in shock and nodded her head speechless

"yeah...wow...yeah...that...that was a great kiss, lando!" she stammered out as i smiled before i grabbed her hand and walked us back to my car

since, like the first time we saw each other at the cemetery, helena had been dropped off so, i drove us back to my house. thankfully, it was kind of late so everyone in the house was either asleep or in the loungeroom so, no one battered an eyelid when i came in through the backdoor with helena with me. we then went upstairs to my room and just spent the rest of the night together. we didn't do anything sexual but, there was an element of something romantic there.

i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

of course i was devastated that juliannah was dead. it'll always be a pain in my chest that'll never properly fade and that was okay. because, whilst i don't have her anymore, there was still a time of my life where i had all and then most of her. and then it was just some of her that i had and then, eventually, i had none of her. but, now, i was with helena and the best thing about being with helena was, i still had juliannah in my life in some strange way. because, helena is juliannah's sister and helena made sure that juliannah was never forgotten and i liked that.

i had also started to slowly return back to formula 1. of course i couldn't just completely drop out of my job and the thing i love most in the whole world other than the obvious. however, i was only just recently feeling comfortable about bringing helena into the paddock of the races. all because everyone had been so used to seeing me being so lovey dovey with her sister, juliannah, i didn't want her to be hated on unnecessarily. however, majority of people at the races were completely unjudgemental and felt what i could explain as joy that i hadn't completely given up on love after juliannah.

and whilst most people would think it was a little strange that i went from 'one sister to another', we made sure that our relationship and its foundation wasn't bound on the trauma bond of me losing my former girlfriend and helena losing her sister. because, if that was the foundation of our relationship, that's when it would have been weird and a strange thing. i was happy with helena and i think it really showed when i lived in my everyday life to the point that mum, dad, oliver, cisca, flo and helena's family started to recognise it. and, i think it was mum and dad at first that was really rooting for me and helena's relationship because i think they knew that she and i had a profound bond that was more than just two people who had lost the same person. we had a bond that was special and a connection that in all honesty, i think was stronger than the bond that juliannah and i had and that's saying something as the bond i had with juliannah was strong.

take me back to the night we met. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

but, of course, whilst helena and i had great moments in our relationship that had nothing to do with juliannah, there were still moments where my mind was overwhelmed by smells, photos, and other things that reminded me of juliannah. but, none more so then the night we initially met. and every single time i had those moments of grief, helena would hold me as i would sob and grieve over the loss of juliannah. and i always (with a cocky attitude i suppose) said i wasn't that much of a crier. but she wouldn't hate me for it, she wouldn't berate me for it, she'd just sit there alongside me and sometimes even cry with me if the memory was a big one or one that she had been going through as well.

"...ssh, lando. it's okay honey, just breathe," helena tried to calm me down as best as she could as i was distraught

"no...no it isn't helena! this...this was never meant to happen!" i sob in anger as helena's eyes widened as i then apologise

"i'm sorry...i...i didn't mean it like that! i just mean..."

"...i know what you mean, lando. don't apologise for juliannah's death or the fact that we fell in love...don't ever be sorry for being happy again," helena whispered as she wiped my years away and stroked my face as i nodded my head

helena and i then spent the rest of the day going back through our favourite memories of juliannah and it was fantastic. it was so helpful in helping me not only remember juliannah but that ultimately, all that juliannah wanted for me was to be happy. even if it meant i was without her but with her sister instead.

oh, take me back to the night we met.

flashback

i smiled as i looked across the high school hall at millfield school in somerset. i was so glad i was nearly finished with school because after this, not even bothering to go for my gcse's, i would be able to fully focus on my dream of being in formula 1. as i was looking around the regular old school, i then noticed a really pretty girl who was looking at me.  

she walked over to me, saying goodbye to her friends and ran over to me, "...hey, sorry to bother you but, you look familiar, do i know you from somewhere?" the girl asks as i smile in confusion and shake my head

"hey, umm, you're not bothering me at all but, i'm sorry, i don't think you know me from somewhere..." i trail off as she pouts before smiling as i giggle at her attempt to flirt

"...damn, i'm sorry. it's just i've seen those eyes before, in my dreams..." she trailed off as she realised just how creepy that sounded as i laughed, appreciating her confidence to continue

"...i'm sorry, that sounded so creepy...let's just start again...my name is juliannah, what's your name?" juliannah smiles and holds out her hand as i smile and accept the handshake

"hi juliannah, i'm lando. and, by the way, i have to give you credit for the pun, it was quite a pun to say as the first thing to someone you don't know," i giggle as does juliannah as she shakes her head, still a little bit embarrassed

"yeah, i mean, i...i wasn't sure what else to say and that was the first thing that came to mind but, it still worked..." juliannah cringed as she laughed which caused me to laugh again as we started to walk around the campus

"...so, uh, where are you from lando? you don't sound like you're from around somerset..." juliannah trailed off as i nodded my head

"...i'm originally from bristol so, a very regular fifty-eight minute drive from here..." i trailed off as juliannah opened her mouth to giggle as i nodded my head also giggling

"...oh wow, so why aren't you at school in bristol then? i'm born and raised here in good old somerset," juliannah smiled as i stared at her and shook my head

"honestly, your guess is as good as mine...but, thank god it's not for too long..." i smiled as juliannah did as well 

"...why's that? you not that good at school?" juliannah questioned, hoping to not sound rude or abbrasive as i smiled 

"yeah...school's not really my forte. i struggle quite a bit with it so, i can't wait to leave it once and for all," i smile a little shyly, not at all finding juliannah's question rude as she nodded her head

"that's absolutely fair. school's not for everyone in the same way that further education isn't for everyone. if you're not that into school, what do you plan to do afterwards?" juliannah questioned, genuinly wanting to know as i relaxed around her and smiled

"oh..it's kind of a bit out there but, my biggest dream is for sure to become a formula 1 driver..." i trailed off, incase juliannah would laugh but she didn't laugh - she smiled and became excited

"...really? you like formula 1 as well?" her voice went up an octave as i fully relaxed and nodded my head

"yeah...i've been karting my whole life and kind of working up to the level of getting further into becoming a professional motorsports racer..." i smiled as juliannah nodded her head

"...which team would you wish to drive for if you could pick?" juliannah asks as i was suddenly stumped 

"well...i...i've not really thought about it but, maybe mclaren?" i respond with a shoulder shrug as juliannah smiles and nods her head 

"yeah, i can totally see you driving with mclaren! you'd truly be good at it, i can already tell!" juliannah smiles as i smiled as well 

"oh, thank you, juliannah! well, when i do reach f1, i'll make sure to give you a vip pass!" i smiled as juliannah's whole face lit up as she tried to calm herself down

"well, i'll be waiting for that day when it comes because it will come, it's just a matter of when, not if!" juliannah winks as we then hear the school bell go off, interrupting us 

"well, which lesson do you have now? just in case i don't see you later..." i question shyly as juliannah smiles 

"...english literature...you?" juliannah winced as i did too subconsciously 

"...umm, i think physical education so i'm going the other way to you but, hopefully see you in between lessons?" i asked, wishing this wouldn't be the last i'd see of juliannah as she smiled

"ooh, have fun in the gym, i've heard it's volleyball for this whole week. and, of course i'll see you inbetween lessons. we share biology and history together..." juliannah smiled as my eyes lit up in excitement as i nodded my head 

we said one final goodbye before going off in our separate directions for sport and english literature. that was the first time i had ever felt my cheeks feel that warm since i first had a crush on a girl. thankfully, like juliannah said, this wouldn't be the last time we'd see each other and we ended up spending a lot of time together whilst at millfield. 

present time

helena and i continued to recall our favourite memories of juliannah when she found a photo of me and juliannah. it was the first photo that had been taken of us whilst at school together and because it was taken with a broken polaroid, it looked like it was from the 90s. i giggled as the photo was so old but it was a sweet photo of us as at the time, we weren't even exclusively dating at that point i think. we were just seeing each other with no strings attached. whilst it was a very sweet photo, it also brought back a lot of memories that i genuinely thought i had forgotten. like all the secret sleepovers we'd have when juliannah was boarding at the school during the holidays since, obviously, the dorms for those that were boaridng were separated by gender. but, during those times i would sneak into her dorm, we were never caught. and, this was one of the times that i had snuck into juliannah's dorm during the first week of summer holidays and it was just a fun night. the polaroid was then pointed at us by one of juliannah's roommates' boyfriend's and the pose we decided to do was to flick out the rude finger to the camera and, the photo was taken. it was a photo juliannah had kept in her dorm but, i got to see it all the time since i was always coming into her room when no one was there to catch us. the best thing was, her roommates never minded as they were also always sneaking in their boyfriends and girlfriends. 

"...that's a really cute photo, lando. when was it taken?" helena asked as she showed me the photo even though i knew what the photo was before even looking at it

"thanks helena. it was taken in juliannah's board room at high school in somerset. i would always sneak into juliannah's room and just hang out together. and one of her roommates' boyfriend's had noticed juliannah and i just getting really touchy with each other and took out his banged up polaroid and took a photo of us and, that's the pose we came up with. just a simple rude finger but, the memory of it is what i remember the most i think," i smiled as i tilted my head and looked at it properly and realised just how different we looked then versus what we looked that towards the 'end' of our relationship - we had grown up

"were you guys dating at this point?" helena questioned as she stared lovingly at her older sister as i smiled

"not exclusively. we were only still technically in the talking stage at that point with no strings attached but, we always found a way back to each other i guess," i sighed as i too stared lovingly at juliannah and helena was never bothered by it

"how did you guys even meet? i don't think juliannah ever told me, probably because she didn't want me to fall in love with you at the time *giggles*," helena giggled cheekily as i also laughed and shook my head

"we met during i think week two of semester one. we just both ended up catching each other's eyes and juliannah walked over to me and just started the conversation...she uh...she actually tried to flirt with me using a pun, it was an awful pun but, i found it funny and it clearly worked..." i trailed off as helena shook her head

"...what pun did she use?" helena was afraid to ask as i giggled and tilted my head as i remembered it clearly

"she said, 'hey, sorry to bother you but, you look familiar, do i know you from somewhere?' and i responded with that she wasn't bothering me but that i wasn't sure if she did know me from elsewhere and she replied with 'damn, i'm sorry. it's just i've seen those eyes before, in my dreams'..." i trailed off with a small giggle as it made me really miss juliannah as helena softened

"...oh my god, i'm so sorry that that's how you met my sister!" helena joked as i laughed

"oh, don't worry, she felt so bad afterward and apologised if it sounded creepy. but, i didn't find it creepy at all, i actually found it quite endearing that she had the confidence to come up to someone and have that be the first thing she says to them and i think i told her that as well..." i trailed off as helena and i then just sat in silence as juliannah roamed around our minds and memories for the rest of the day

when the night was full of terrors and your eyes filled with tears when you had not touched me yet. oh, take me back to the night we met.

out of nowhere, as helena and i found more photos and memories of juliannah, whether they involved me or not, the last one she found was a very sweet one. and, it was one of the last photos taken of me and juliannah. well, at least the last one on the old polaroid camera before we had to throw it away cause it broke. it wasn't our last ever photo together entirely but the last one on our very old polaroid film camera. it was a photo of juliannah and i kissing, well, almost kissing. this was just after we had finished high school so we no longer had to have me sneak around to her dorm. this was actually our first apartment that we shared with another couple who we were friends with and had gone to school in somerset with. i had stopped education entirely and started to focus on my motorsport career whereas juliannah decided to pursue further education. and our friends had caught juliannah and i being rather cute and decided to take a photo of it on the polaroid but, because of how old it was, it didn't take the photo as we kissed but rather as juliannah was moving into the kiss. but, we didn't do a second try of the photo cause we loved the first version better and because if we tried again, it would have looked forced and it was a great candid moment taken on a broken polaroid camera that was then thrown out shortly after that photo was taken...

flashback

"...lando norris! what are you doing?!" juliannah squeals out as i giggle, i had come up from behind her and picked her up

"can't a man love on his girlfriend?!" i exasperate as the melodic giggles of my girlfriend fills my ears which makes me instantly happy

"of course you can! i'm not saying you can't, i just would like better notice of when you're going to pick me up for fuck sake, lando!" juliannah cackles as i couldn't help my own laughter as i held her tightly

as we giggled, i then had an idea, since i had come at her from behind and picked her up, i turned her around where she was facing me. she then wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my throat, her arms resting on my back so she didn't choke me. it was in this moment as she moved in to kiss me that our friends, max and pietra who were also a couple, had come home. and of course, because they were so loud, they were ruining me and juliannah's moment together but, we learnt to just ignore them and tune them out when they were loud.

it was as juliannah moved in to kiss me again that max decided to grab the broken old polaroid that i quite honestly needed to throw out and went to take a photo of juliannah and i kissing. and max was so excited to finally get a polaroid of us kissing after he had tried the entire time he and pietra have lived with juliannah and i to get one. however, he was still yet to succeed cause it was obvious once he took the photo that it hadn't taken a photo of juliannah and i kissing. which, at this point, was a regular occurence so, it didn't bother us. but, it was kind of funny to see and hear just how upset max was that he still couldn't get a polaroid of me and juliannah kissing.

"...did you take the photo max? i really need to be put down on the floor so please tell me you got the photo?!" juliannah whines as i can tell she's in pain and honestly, so am i for how long i've held her for

max laughs and nods his head, "yeah i did but, again, it didn't get the kiss like we hoped it did. but, it did get the moment before and it still looks all cute and coupley but, not the kiss..." he trailed off as his voice got more sadder as juliannah and i laughed and rolled our eyes

i placed juliannah back on the floor as we looked at the polaroid that max had taken. i smiled immediately as the photo max had taken was such a good photo, even though it wasn't of the kiss like originally wanted. with or without the kiss, this was a polaroid that needed to either be framed or included in the norris family photo album. 

present time

helena stared at the photo of me and juliannah for a little while longer as she smiled. i could tell she felt as though she could visulise the memory of the moment of this photo being taken in the same way i could. even though she wasn't there when the photo was taken and, i could tell it was making helena emotional.

"...i'm really glad that you and juliannah were together for as long as you were, lando..." helena trailed off as she placed the polaroid back into the photo album that was now resting openly on my bookshelf as i smiled

"...i'm glad too, helena. i really did love your sister and i know she really loved me too but, don't let that stop you from allowing yourself to believe that i can't love you just because i loved your sister. because, quite frankly, the way i loved juliannah will always be different to the way i love you but that doesn't make me love you any less. if anything, it makes me love you more but in a different, more beautiful way that's only unique to you. if you're worried that i'll be stuck with the memory of juliannah then, let this be the consolation to that thought..." i trailed off as i grabbed helena's head and pushed it gently towards my face and kissed her

she was at first shocked, of course, but quickly broke out of the shock as she then moved into the kiss and became more comfortable. we then ended up falling backwards onto my bed with helena falling on top of me which made us giggle as we just made out with each other, our clothes still on and nothing else sexual. we were still finding our footing in this relationship since it was so new but, it was already so comfortable that i don't think it'd take us that long to get to the nitty gritty of an established relationship.

i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. take me back to the night we met. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. take me back to the night we met

fin

i loved when i first wrote this but i think i love this more now as a lando version and i don't hate that! and, yes, i did do a part two of this for misha so of course i will be doing the part two for lando as well just so the story is properly completed and finished! but, yes, what's your opinion on someone falling in love with the sibling of their partner that's passed on? do you think it's weird or do you think it could be a possibility and not be unusual? 

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

[frogizz]

The Untamed Mind Dump (Spoilers duh)

(I have yet to read the novel for MDZS, and I am on Episode 47 of The Untamed so I want to do another mind dump like last time)

Jin Guangyao, I've been suspicious of him ever since I saw that face of his (I am not calling the actor ugly or anything like that, I can acknowledge its the acting that made him look suscpious not his actual face.) But I didn't excpect for him to be that sick of a human being.

Wei Wuxian being the scapegoat all over again

Damn these people love to gossip

I forgot about Wei Wuxian offering his Golden Core to Jiang Cheng

I miss Jiang Yanli bro

I also miss Wen Qing

At least I have Wen Ning, he is so awesome

I have the firm belief that while Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian are responsible for the death of Jin Zixuan, I know damn well Jiang Yanli's blood is not on Wei Wuxian's hands. Heck, I kind of think even though Wei Wuxian was the cause of Jin Zixuan's death, that that situation was obviously curated from the start, there was no intention to kill anyone that day because Wei Wuxian was doing this all in self defense. (Still sad that Jin Zixuan had to be a casualty).

I legit don't remember Su She before episode 45

The way I had to pause, sit up, stand up, walk around when that lady revealed Jin Guangyao tortured his father like that and what he did to Qin Su??? OH MY GOOOODDDDDDDD

Lan Wanji, you're the best supporter and best friend ever (I know in the novel he's Wei Wuxian's lover but in The Untamed their relationship is still amazing as best friends).

Wei Wuxian is such a great leader and protected those teens well (most of them are teens right? they all seemed kinda young)

I feel so bad for Jin Ling, all of his family's dirty laundry being aired out from both sides because his (defected) martial uncle is infamous for doing dirty tricks and is the supposed one who killed his parents, his maternal uncle being really hard on him, his paternal uncle being absolute scum and him doing things worse than what Wei Wuxian was ever accused for, and then to top it all off, he is constantly bullied.

To add to that, Jin Ling's outbursts are to be expected, he's just like his maternal uncle, really emotional. Jiang Cheng has had his outbursts of anger and aggressiveness (verbal and/or physical) and this could be the only way Jin Ling knows how to express himself.

At first I thought Jin Ling was an arrogant and stupid spoiled brat but I just want to hug this poor kid, the trauma of not having his parents and knowing that they died brutal deaths, the bullying, just everything. Just let him have a nice and warm blanket while snuggling with Fairy for once, please?

Speaking of Fairy, can people stop threatening the dog please? Like, they're such a good boy/girl (Netflix subtitles swapped them at somepoint from he to she and then it so I have no idea).

I WAS CRYING WHEN LAN SIZHUI STARTED TO REMEMBER HIS PAST AND THEN WEN NING WAS TRYING TO CATCH UP WITH HIM BRUH I WAS UGLY CRYING, SOBBING, THEY'RE FAMILY, THEY DESERVE TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER, THE LAST OF THE WEN FAMILY AAAA

I am such a sucker for reunited families, families with close bonds, found families, I don't know why, but it strikes me in the heart in such a painful and joyful way.

Zewu Jun, I always have mad respect for this man and I understand how he needs to make his own judgement and not only trust the words of others, I just can't blame him for that. But man was I afraid that he betrayed everyone by actually being 100% on Jin Guangyao's side knowing everything he did in episode 46, but he looked as confused and weirded out as ever so thankfully he isn't on his side anymore, I love this dude, I'm his biggest supporter.

I'll make each of these things their own post because I have so much more I want to say.

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2023!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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116. How To Sell A Haunted House by Grady Hendrix--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Man, I love Grady Hendrix.

I never know what I'm going to get with his books. When I started HOW TO SELL A HAUNTED HOUSE, I wasn't sure if I was really into it. The start was a little bit on the slower side and I wasn't sure how I felt about the sibling dynamic.

Then I put the book down and read some other things. I think I wasn't in the right head space for it, so I eventually picked it up again a couple of months later. And I'm so glad I tried again!

This book made me laugh probably a few too many times considering it's horror, but those puppets (especially the main one) was absolutely hilarious. If you do audiobooks, I highly recommend listening to the one for this book, especially because you'll get the pleasure of hearing the voice actor do the puppet's voice--that catcall of his in particular. Man, that was funny.

But much like Hendrix's other works, one moment you're either mad or laughing, and the next you'll feel like you need to throw up. There are some seriously gruesome bits in this. If you're into that, you'll saw right through the pages.

This book had me feeling so many emotions and somehow, even after the worst (I thought it was the worst part), there were still four hours left in the audiobook. Those were some creepy and fast paced hours as the story raced towards a satisfying conclusion. Listen, I cried at the end. If that's not a rollercoaster of emotions, I don't know what is.

While it might not have been my favourite Hendrix book (HORRORSTÖR will always be my favourite), this was a fun one that might make you laugh, squirm with disgust, and cry. Especially fun to recommend this to people who have a phobia of dolls and/or puppets.

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117. The 39 Clues: The Sword Thief by Peter Lerangis--⭐️⭐️

Okay, aha, this series is written by different authors and...it shows.

Off the bat, I was slightly uncomfortable. From some of the jokes used (one sibling calling the other "Jackie Chan" because they were going to Japan when Jackie isn't even Japanese...), to the uncomfortable idea that one of the siblings is falling for her cousin. I get that it was alluded to in earlier books, but it was more like a "he's attractive and I have social anxiety" but seeing them flirt in this book was....kind of weird LOL.

I know these are older books and while I did enjoy the adventure parts (and the cunning ways these family members outdo each other), there were some things I couldn't get past. I'll keep reading the series because I'm both curious about the mystery and because another author will write the next book.

Onto the next one!

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118. Night of the Living Dummy by R.L. Stine--⭐️⭐️

I wanted to enjoy this one, but I know GOOSEBUMP books can be super hit or miss. This is such a popular book in the series, so I was hoping for...more? But there was so much wrong with this one. The competing twins were frustrating, but they're kids. I can understand their competition.

What I don't understand is the horrible parents. I know this is from a kid's perspective, so maybe we are seeing an inflated response from the parents, but that mother was a piece of work. What an impatient and disconnected woman. Listen, if my kid told me their doll was moving on its own, I'd be spraying holy water on it instead of yelling at them. Just, such questionable parenting. There's a reason why so many kids never want to tell their parents anything.

"Why don't they call me anymore?" Because when Billy told you that his puppet was trying to kill him, you didn't believe him. JK. It's not that serious, but it's sad to see that so many people in my generation grew up reading about parents like this.

___

119. Our Shadows Have Claws by Various--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I have mixed feelings about this collection. I never really pick up anthologies because I need my stories to be thicker than just a few pages, although I can fully appreciate the mastery of writing a powerful story a short number of pages long. But while there were definitely some knockout stories in this collection (in my opinion), there were some misses, too.

I went into this hoping to be spooked! I'm Latina, so seeing a Latine collection of horror stories made me incredibly excited (even with my apprehension for short stories). While the stories may not have been what I was hoping for, the artwork was gorgeous and creepy. I'll definitely be keeping this collection on my shelves both because it's amazing Latine rep, and because it's just a beautiful book aesthetically.

I've broken down the stories with my individual ratings and very short thoughts:

The Nightingale and the Lark: 3 Stars

I enjoyed seeing a story about the complicated dynamic of family and tradition. I'm kind of sad this is the Cuban one--but don't mind me, this is just me being a city bitch. I had no idea what this monster was and neither did my parents, but I'm assuming it's a campo monster. That being said, this was a pretty solid story to start with....but not scary. At all. It WAS interesting to see the morality living in the shadows of beliefs and fear.

¿Dónde Está el Duende?: 4 Stars

I think this is one of my favourites of the whole collection. It was so sinister and more than the monster itself, the actions of the humans involved made this one extra spooky. I remember thinking about it once it ended and feeling so uncomfortable when all of the pieces clicked together.

El Viejo de la Bolsa: 2 Stars

Meh. I feel like I zoned out with this one. I was so confused and by the end of the story, I had no idea what I'd just read. (This happens a few times with some of the stories in the collection.)

Beware the Empty Subway Car: 1.5 Stars

Honestly, this title was kind of misleading. There were some cool places this story could have gone but it was so boring. And it felt like...the point of the story was kind of random? Especially because it read more like one chapter in a bigger book. No shade to the authors, but it felt like the point of this story being included in this collection was missed. All backstory, barely any spooks. Meh. Least favourite, lowest rating.

Dismembered: 4 Stars

Having just lost my Abuela last December, this hella pulled on my heartstrings. Emotional and with a deeply heartbreaking twist, Dismembered is rightfully a favourite for a lot of other readers. Even if the beginning of the story feels gruesome, the heart of the story is beautiful.

Blood Kin: 4 Stars

I LOVE revenge stories. I was immediately hooked and I'm a sucker for the bad guy getting his due justice. Also, another heartstring puller. These authors giving me the spooks with a side of heartbreak. Thanks.

La Boca Del Lobo: 2 Stars

So, I *listened* to the audiobook of this collection. I have this thing where if a book isn't keeping my attention, then it's not a book I'm enjoying. When I'm invested, I am listening with both ears and hoping to catch everything. This story had me so disinterested that I had to replay the whole thing again because I missed the whole thing. The second time around wasn't any better.

Bloodstained Hands Like Ours: 2 Stars

While I loved the LGBTQ+ rep, I wasn't really feeling this one. It had a weird ending that made me think of superheroes. Much like the Subway Car story, this felt like a lot of backstory and not enough main creep story.

The Boy from Hell: 3.5 Stars

This was a fun one and felt like it could have been its own book. I especially loved how this story touches on the racism that lives in the Latine community. Also, even though I saw the twist a mile away, it was still fun to see.

La Patasola: 4 Stars

Loved the LGBTQ+ rep in this and how it forces the reader to see how ignorance and falling to peer pressure can ruin something so beautiful. I kind of wish I had more of this story so I could see the outcome of the events that happen. I really enjoyed this one. The ending was very satisfying.

The Other Side of the Mountains: 4 Stars

I think this one is a perfect example of backstory being well-balanced with the heart of the story. That twist was *chef's kiss*.

La Madrina: 3 Stars

I don't think this is a monster story. I think it's a great morality story that was well written and paced, but I think to call this a monster story does the heart of it a disservice. But I guess, in a way, it brings to question what we might define a monster to be.

Sugary Deaths: 3.5 Stars

This had a very satisfying ending for a creepy man who should not be around younger girls. This is one of those stories where you have to ask yourself, "Who's the real monster here?"

Leave No Tracks: 4 Stars

I loved this one because of how powerful it was. I thought it was a great allegory for the erosion of family and nature, and how the consequences of our choices can haunt us long after the choice has been made.

The Hour of the Wolf: 4 Stars

Probably one of my favourites overall. I love a good story with Karma and this one DELIVERED. Also, something I've noticed in this one and in some of the other stories is the importance of the all-knowing Abuela. Loved the creepy wolf vibes and the bullies facing some twisted revenge.

___

120. Help! We Have Strange Powers! by R.L. Stine--⭐️⭐️

This was pure chaos.

While I really enjoyed the last Horrorland book I listed to, this one was just too much. The production level felt like it was too much. And don't even get me started on these awful main characters. Also, this was another book with twins. LOL Stine had a trope.

I AM intrigued, however, about what is happening in Horrorland--I think that's the best part of these books.

___

121. Red-Headed Stepchild by Jaye Wells--⭐️⭐️⭐️

Wow, I can't believe I finally finished this book that I started a year and a bit ago. I never thought this day would come LOL.

I think one of the reasons why I kept putting this one down is because it felt like a slower read--which is why I'm so happy my library got the audiobook edition! That definitely helped, although there were still instances where my brain zoned out because the story never really fully hooked me.

The mystery and intrigued was interesting--I wanted to see what twists and turns waiting for me as the MC navigated the truths being thrown at her. It makes me sort of fascinated enough to read the sequel, but I'm not fully sold on that yet.

One of the things I did love about this series is that it did have that fun early 2000s-2010s vibes that contemporary fantasy had, a la SOOKIE STACKHOUSE & the FIRST GRAVE ON THE RIGHT series (but without the spiciness, just the tension.)

Other than the occasional slow pace, this was fun and I think would be a fun read for anyone who likes badass MCs taking over their own narrative after so many others have done it for them.

___

122. Yellowface by R.F. Kuang--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Pardon my French, but this book is a mindfuck.

I'm kind of freaked out about how good Kuang is at making you face your own mind when you're given an anti-hero MC who sometimes had you empathizing with her, and then abruptly remembering how awful they actually are. Granted, none of the characters in this book were the shitting rainbows kind of characters. These were characters that dangerously resembled the actual nature of so many people out there--people who you may know, or may have encountered. Those people who think they've been wronged and who think other groups get undeserved preferential treatment.

Other than this being a phenomenal commentary on the publishing industry, this is just such a fascinating exploration of the human condition and how biases can truly make us believe the things we believe--even when the rest of the world is pointing out how wrong your actions are. Also, Kuang shows us the dangers of having heavily unreliable narrators. The power of writing is sometimes having you empathize with the worst characters.

Trigger warning, though, for incredibly blasé racism and discussion of under-representing racism in history to make a story more palatable. Those scenes where the MC is editing the stolen manuscript were probably some of the harder ones for me because I KNOW there are editors and people in publishing who would think the same way.

Kuang is a genius and even though I wasn't a fan of THE POPPY WAR, YELLOWFACE & BABEL will forever remain as some of my favourites because of their blunt and incredible discussions on race and inequality.

I can't recommend this book enough. I do recommend doing it with a glass of wine...or something stronger. Just don't make any Pandan pancakes to eat along with this book.

___

123. You're Not Supposed to Die Tonight by Kalynn Bayron--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I will immediately say that while this had some fun moments and commentary on what it means to be a Black person in a horror setting, this book wasn't at all what I was expecting--and I don't mean that in a good way.

I really enjoyed seeing the MC and her strong connection with her girlfriend. That in itself felt like it was defying the horror genre stereotypes. I also loved the jabs at what we usually see in horror books (like couples having sex will always be like a dinner bell being rung for serial killers at killer camps).

Overall, this book had its creepy moments, weird twists, and an interesting ending. But I was hoping for...more. This felt like it didn't go where I was hoping it would go and it ended up just being an okay read.

I'm giving it three stars instead of two because while it wasn't what I was hoping for, it was still a fun read that I'd recommend to anyone wanting a slasher read.

___

Have you read any of these books? Let me know your thoughts!

___

Happy reading!

[throwing-up-my-heart]

I guess what really started all of this is the fact that I wasn't meant to be here in the first place my very existence is an accident and it makes me feel as if though I will never be enough preemptively.

They pre-ordered a child who does not feel like they should exist and they get mad whenever I tell them I do not want to be here simply because they are my parents and they see that they're entitled to be in charge of my emotions because I'm not old enough to handle them.

I'm not old enough to handle my own emotions yet I am apparently old enough to take my place in their footsteps and work a job at 15.

I feel like I am being forced out of my own home I feel like a loner, I feel like an unwanted presence in my own house, I am not yet an adult and I don't want to be. I was raised to grow up quickly grow up fast, I am the burnout child,

I was smart... I used to be smart. My brain overdeveloped too quickly so that way once I started getting more of my own pace nothing interested me anymore.

Nothing but the books that filled my incessant fantasies and filled the void in which I felt the nothingness or the appreciation of my parents was supposed to lay.

At the age of 10, I experienced what it was like to have to take care of myself and its entirety. At the age of 10, My brain felt like it was already caving in.

I couldn't help but feel alone even when I was at home.

It only felt like a cell deep inside of an endless empty shell, I could hear the ocean call to me I was so close to freedom I could smell it.

"Don't you worry, well always be there" These words did nothing, they just filled the empty ever rotting air with lies and deceit, expecting me to continuously weep but I didn't?

I couldn't.

I couldn't cry when I knew other people die every day for problems that I knew I only thought I had.

It's all in my head.

It's ALL in my Head... IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD.

That's it.

Then I was 12. My first best friend was mentally abusive and so was my boyfriend, they set the standards for how I should be loved.

This is what I deserved... Body, "I love your body." "Take it off for me baby"

"You're so pretty"

Off...please get OFF

My best friend's brother couldn't keep his hands off.

This is what im meant for.

Pretty, Only to please.

Ok.

13.

I have 3 friends, is this where it ends?

They all want to end it...

Should I?

Should I cry?

Or..should I man up and try...

Wait

WAIT

No

My family would cry...

Or would they...

I wrote my first suicide note at 10, I could do it again.

Would, they miss me?

"You look upset"

I cant cut

They'd see...

Scratch

SCRATCH

A staple will work

"Why do you make everyone's life so DIFFICULT?"

Ouch.

9 mental breakdowns later.

Life is good. Right here. Stay here. I am good. Right here. Friends. Grades. School. Yes. yes. yes.

NO

Weeks...2 weeks...years..2 YEARS

Grades? Im failing? Friends? Im flailing, im drowning, please help I can only swim down...

Mom...mom doesnt love dad

She doesnt love me

What about family??

WOrk?

WORK?

Please im only 15...

I dont wanna grow up...help..please...I hurt...

Daddy cant leave..only source of money

...mommy won't care..she'll find another man somewhere...

My mind is racing with endless hunger pains..I cant feel...im sick of feeling.

Happy,

Why cant

I

Just..be

Happy.

[lysol1201]

😊Obey Me Brothers as Luke Hemmings songs and Why I'm Right😊

This is all including shit from Luke Hemming's album "When Facing The Things We Turn Away From" which you should listen to because it's beautiful and amazin, thank you xx

will say this does include some like deeper thinking, unsure if there is anything that I should mark as triggering here, lemme know if there is anything i should leave warnings for.

slight spoilers in Belphie's for the anime season 1 as well as lesson 16, but I will mark it when it gets there <33

++++

🔥Lucifer🔥

Starting Line by Luke Hemmings

"I wake up every morning with the years ticking by I'm missing all these memories, maybe they were never mine I feel the walls are closing I'm running out of the time I think I missed the gun at the starting line"

I want you to look me straight in the eyes and tell me this man isn't damaged from having to be the "parent" of his brothers, I'll wait. Kidding, you can't. I cannot stress this enough: He had to take place as the father figure after they were all disowned by their own. This bitch wakes up every morning knowing he can't really just be a fucken dude anymore this man a single father over 5 fallen angels and some demon that never asked for this shit. He walked into this with 0 warning and it all happened so fast he doesn't even know how he got there. This bitch went out to buy clothes and found himself at the soup store, fr.

💵Mammon💵

Place In Me by Luke Hemmings

"Call me in the morning Yeah, I'm sorry that I let you down I'm so apathetic, it's pathetic But I need you now."

Bestie doesn't know how to use his emotions probably, so he be a bitch instead ❤ Typical tsundere vibes but also same, can relate. Unfortunately, I am writing this in a stance of this is how I usually am and Mammon is basically the same, awks. Anyway, basically this dude kinda meanie or acts like he has no emotions to mask the fact that they're actually pretty strong. So instead he finds himself doing stupid or dumb things that can probably be seen as rude and as pushing someone away. In reality, he just kinda wants them in his arms to make him feel better. He feels bad every time he hurts them or lets them down so he just wants to say sorry because he needs them most to not only keep him together emotionally but keep his shit together physically before he gets the shit beat outta him for being a stupid ass bitch again.

👾Leviathan👾

Motion by Luke Hemmings

"With every sundown, I feel alone These hands are strangers, they ain’t my own My eyes are lying, my eyes are lying to me With every comedown, nowhere to go This simple silence is all I know You know I'm trying, you know I'm trying to leave"

This song is literally about not trusting your own thoughts and not believing the voices in your head, if that isn't self explanatory of Leviathan then idk what is. N e wayz, to explain, bestie has no faith or bellief in himself of being a decent person who can deserve love and who can be a first choice. Even if his brain were to go "yeah, I deserve MC" he would auto shut it down to "haha SIKE" and run away. He's trying, but it doesn't stop him from feeling alone. Bestie, you need help my beloved ❣

🐱Satan🐱

Mum by Luke Hemmings

"I'm so heavy Jump into my ocean Can’t you see me sinking? Love the fear of falling Don't you know I'm too young? Can't you hear me calling you? Nothing hurts me now"

First off: Mans don't got a mom, his mom is Lucifer but that's an awkward topic that makes as much sense as the Once Upon A Time family tree. N e wayz, song is basically like getting thrown into something big at a young age and kind of losing yourself. Mans got thrown into this world as a straight up grown ass fucken adult and told "you're a demon, these are your brothers, you only exist cuz this dude got mad" and had to just kinda live with it. Like yep, this is my life now and I just have to accept that. Despite being popped out as an adult, he still had to be "raised" but due to the complication he kinda got thrown into shit his baby ass newborn ass wasn't ready for which didn't help the fact that he is the literal embodiment of wrath. Over time though he learns how to cope with it and understand it, even if he didn't do the greatest of things to get there. "Nothing hurts me now" cuz he kinda went through it all already. In conclusion: angy man baby.

💋Asmodeus💋

Diamonds by Luke Hemmings

"Cut like diamonds and sink like stones Starve myself 'til I'm skin and bones I'm so much older than I ever thought I would be Hold the silence and don't let go I hurt the people I love the most I'm so much colder than I ever wanted to be"

He might be lustful and romantic but that doesn't make him the most "ideal" significant other. He kinda comes and goes with relationships, I'm p sure in one of the early chapters you meet like an ex of his in a painting and he kinda ruined her life but he was too into himself to care so like oops besties loooooooooool and he probably never wanted to be that cold, especially with being born as an angel. He strives for this perfection and beauty where the narcissism of it all clouds over how it affects others. That doesn't mean he isn't beautiful in his own way though. I mean diamonds are formed out of pressure, and he definitely was.

🍔Beelzebub🍔

Bloodline by Luke Hemmings

"Oh, there ain't no warning the first time Ain't no one to tell you "Run, boy, run Like I should've done" And oh, when I can't fight the bloodline Living in the seams back home Oh, no"

Ayo, no warning for the Celestial War, no one to tell him to run (even though he obvs wouldn't have brother of the year award goes to this super trooper) and lmao fighting the bloodline like legit, fuck daddy dearest. This song is about fighting addiction and thinking maybe it's just genetics, but in this case I'm taking it as his addiction being his family and he was going to fight the bloodline/"genetics" to fix it. And almost like it isn't genetics that make them brothers but he's still down bad (in la familia sense) for his brothers (and sister) he boutta fight a bitch. He went through a lot of fighting and scars and stuff for moments that probably weren't as significant to him until it was gone (like losing his sister). But y'know what this bitch would do if he had the option to go back in time? He'd do that shit again, you fucking GO bestie.

Bonus Lyrics: "If I knew from the start, would it change a thing?"

Answer: no it wouldn't this bitch would still be addicted to his family and fight for them bitches best brother of thE YEAR AWARD

💤Belphegor💤

Saigon by Luke Hemmings

"When facing the things we turn away from We're chasing the way we were in Saigon Oh, it's picked apart until there's nothing left of us to carry on Now we're facing the things we turn away from"

WARNING this does has some discussion with episode 10 and 11 in the Anime and somewhat lesson 16, I'm unsure if I should spoiler that or not but just in case here's that!

HA you thought I was gonna choose Beautiful Dream? You're WRONG.

Oi, okay, so mans wants to bring up the elephant in the room just like how it was in the anime. This bitch killed his brothers human so like lmao AWKS and then obviously after coming back after being gone for so long and learning that he was actually just locked in the attic the whole time, things were just, as previously stated, awks. Everyone wanted to turn away from the whole ordeal and how they were treating him differently becuase of it. This man wanted to face the things they turned away from, being him, and chase the way they were at the Hot Springs, as one big ass happy family mother fuckers. He didn't want them to turn away from him anymore, to be picked apart until there was nothing left of them anymore. So, he confronted them and faced the things they were turning away from to retrieve back that happy family bonding feeling like the way they felt the first time they were at the Hot Springs. 

[queenofthearchipelago]

Superman and Lois episode 11 season 2! Almost caught up!!!

"You're my son and I love you." YEAH YOU DO. Love a man who loves his son.

Okay so I got sucked into the episode and a lot is going on but mainly I'm just baffled by how hard we're leaning into the boys being right the last few episodes. Clark comes home and tells Jon that they're good, but he still wants to know why Jon didn't tell him about Candace. Jon literally starts his next sentence as if he's about to make a list of things he was thinking and Clark interrupts him after the first point to be like, "But shouldn't your girlfriend have been punished for dealing drugs?" Like, my dude, Clark, let the kid explain what he was thinking. Surely it would have occurred to Clark that Jon has had more than a month (I mean I know at this point Clark didn't know how long he was gone but he does know Jon had a few weeks to think at least) to think about that and he still decided not to give up Candace so can we please just hear him out. Like, Jon was right, Clark just doesn't listen. Clark opens up the space to listen, and then closes it as soon as he thinks!!! Jon has had his say. Which turns out is in ten words or less.

And then with Lois talking to Sarah, like Lois did the parental thing to do I guess, I personally wasn't mad at her. But her son is growing up and this is his first girlfriend and maybe Lois should be letting him fix or not fix his relationship with her. Give Jordan advice, and then let him go take it or not. I understand Jordan being upset, and Lois should maybe probably apologize for this? Like, my opinion is Jordan has a point by being upset that Lois took his phone (for what, exactly? was that punishment for something else or was it actually as random as it seemed?) when he was trying to talk to Sarah about it. And Lois later says that Jordan probably thought he was trying to give her context about their situation to Sarah BUT and I'm like Lois I know you didn't read the texts because that's uncalled for so what does she know how well Jordan was doing? And then she essentially forces him into doing her preferred method of figuring stuff out. Like, I think from an earlier scene Jordan found meaning in writing out the letter but still, he shouldn't have been forced into doing that. Jordan's pretty much valid, is my point here

And I completely get Clark and Lois being upset that both kids are upset about them while Lana is missing, but I think this makes a lot of sense. Jordan has been feeling misunderstood about the Sarah thing from the beginning of the season, and Jordan has been misunderstood this entire show. They can't ignore it anymore, they can't ignore their parent's not prioritizing their emotional needs anymore, even when the world is breaking. Like, when Jon started getting mad about Clark keeping his secret, I got frustrated with Clark for justifying the secret existing rather than realizing that Jon isn't upset about the secret. He's upset at his father's hypocrisy, at his father not listening to him, at Clark not stopping to consider what might be important for him. UGH, this is executed really well, this all feels messy in an actual family kind of way, and the longer it goes on, the less I believe it will be fixed in the family dynamic, which is probably how Jon feels bth

A side thought is that Jordan literally told Sarah that he was going through family stuff and she was like why don't you put me first and then Lois says exactly the same thing, and Sarah's suddenly all understanding about it like what on earth prime is going on here

Wait so Sarah finds out that Lana is gone, glass all over the living room floor and she doesn't call the cops?

I'm happy Sarah didn't take the letter, but I do wanna know what it says

Wait are we actually doing a thing here where we're blaming Clark's secret for ruining everything or something? Because Clark talking to Lana last night is probably the reason she didn't get kidnapped before she did. Clark is right that his secret gives his kids a normal life... the secret is not the problem, right? If you wanna tell Lana about the secret then fine but let's not pretend that the secret is the problem overall

I got invested again, I cannot believe that happened. The last scene... Lana knows. And Clark told her so beautifully. I felt that history I never got to see these actors play out. I might have cried, I'm fine.

Still don't think we should tell Sarah, but my goodness was the Lana of it all gorgeous. I have forgotten all other thoughts.

So there's another hiatus you say?

[meenah-chan]

Solace

A Belphegor x GN! MC fanfic

3.14k words

Genre: Angst

Trigger warning: mention of death. Read at your own discretion.

Requested by: @belphiesimpalways thank you for patiently waiting for this. Supposedly, this is for your birthday but still, belated Happy Birthday to you!! This became a little bit too long, and I actually changed the whole thing twice 😅😅 I changed the title too to prevent confusion, hope you don't mind.

He lost it the day he lost his beloved sister. A place to call his home. Yet he met them. The one who brings light to his dark days. But what shall he do, when this solace was never been his?

“How I wished I didn’t met you at all.”

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

He can hear the harrowing sound of the clock, ringing inside the closed space. As if it were imitating his increasing pulse. Belphegor couldn’t open his eyes. He won’t though, even if he can. He fears he’ll see it again. The agonizing sight of that cursed attic, where he is trapped, cold and lonely. Each click, each clack drives him on a brink of madness.

Somebody please make it stop..! Curled up in his bed, writhing in anguish, Belphegor tried to block the sound with his trembling hands.

Let me out… I hate this place...

“It is for your own good.” Lucifer’s voice reverberates throughout the whole room. His guide light and the hero of his stories… once upon a time, that is.

For my own good? This place was a nightmare! He was imprisoned! He was trapped inside his head, with nothing but bleak thoughts!

He felt cold, with no one to hold onto. With no Beelzebub or Lilith, ready to embrace him when he’s afraid…

Ahhh…

Right…

Even if he managed to escape that place, there’ll be no more Lilith to hold him. To comfort him. To make him laugh of joy and happiness. No more… Lilith is no more…

“...Belphegor?” he snapped his eyes open and suck in a deep breath, as if the voice pulled him out of the deepest pit of the abyss. His heart was beating fast, bathed in his own sweat.

It was just another dream. He was not trapped in the attic any more. He was freed, by the person with him right now, sitting beside his bed, a few weeks ago. ���Are you alright? You’re sweating buckets and squirming in your sleep.”

“I’m fine. It was just pretty hot in here.”

They stared at him for a moment before replying. “...If you say so… Wait, let me get you some water and a change of clothes.” unconsciously he raised his hand, fingers tugging on the hen of their shirt which stopped them from their tracks.

“Don’t need one… Just stay here and be my pillow.” Still, feeling a bit anxious of being alone, he didn't let go.

“That won’t do. You’re so drenched. If you don't change clothes and rehydrate, you might get sick. I'll be back in a jiffy.” Yet as they swiftly pried his hand off their clothes, he couldn't do anything but to watch them stride out of the room.

He sighed, recollecting the series of events from the time he met them. “...What a weird person...” He muttered under his breath.

A few weeks ago… Just a few weeks ago, they succeeded in freeing him... Just a few weeks ago, they died by his hands... Yet, they kept on approaching him like nothing had happened.

But oddly enough, he also couldn't get them off his mind; to want them by his side. The only time he could find his peace of mind is when he's with them.

I guess I'm weird too...

Silently, he observed them. The way they speak and walk. The way they would scold him when he chose to nap over catching up his missed lessons. The way they tap and hum unconsciously, while studying with him to encourage him to do so. Those awkward laughs they made as they tried to mend the rift between him and his brothers. The sighs left their lips as his brothers fought over who would have them. The slow and silent steps they make to slip away. The way they wink and place a finger over their lips and pull him with them.

Especially the way their eyes disappear when they're smiling. He can never describe how soothing it was, that smile.

...until he suddenly felt it wasn't.

The way they make the very same smile to Lucifer, Belphegor couldn't help but feel a little bit too irritated. Yes, it was Lucifer. He’s naturally annoyed by him, after what he's done. But this is a little bit different from his usual displeasure.

The youngest just wanted to pry the human off him and drag them away. He knew he couldn't suppress the burning sensation rising from the pit of his stomach. He also knew he'll regret what he wanted to do. He'd look possessive. Delusional. He may even hurt them in the process. So, he chose to escape the scene instead, into the attic which was once his prison.

“Belphegor! I got... and you're asleep.” the demon dares not open his eyes as he hears them make their way to him. “You didn't even remove your uniform...or your shoes. I'm really amazed how you can fall asleep in a matter of seconds.” They carefully remove the shoes and socks from his soles.

Oh no... That's not a good thing. For every touch of their skin sends tingles throughout his entire body. Each cell screaming in a way he never felt before. The bed shook as they crawled in, reaching for the buttons of his vest. He was at his wit's end, completely conscious of the human's presence.

Before they could ever reach for the last row of buttons, his hand stopped them before he lose it.

“What do you think you're doing?”

“Y-You're awake?!” Before they could ever pull back, he tugged them in his chest, flustering the human even more.

“H-Hey, let go. Your uniform will get wrinkled.” They tried squirming out to no avail. The demon is just too strong to make him budge.

“Don't want to.” To hide his warm and probably beet red face, he clasped their nape and keep their face over his shoulder.

“I still haven't changed out of mine.”

“Hmm, goodnight...”

“Hey...” after a few more stirring in vain, they just sighed and let the youngest have it his way.

This is bad. Thought Belphegor. The annoyance he felt a while ago dissipates as fast as it builds up inside of him. Still, his heartbeats and head were in utter chaos, the time he held them so close. He said he’s returning to slumber, yet his heart showed no signs of ever slowing down. He bet they could hear it, but he have no more energy to even mind it. After all, amidst the chaos in him, could also feel he won’t be getting any nightmares right now.

“Say Belphegor. Do you have a fever? You’re hot and your heart’s beating a bit too fast.”

“Just tired from the extra work a while ago. I just need some rest.”

“If you say so...”

He could no longer deny this feeling inside him.

He… fell in love with a human. He found it, the peace to his raging storm. The salve to his wounds. But they can never be his solace.

He lost it the day he lost his beloved sister. He lost his home. His freedom. He doesn’t have anything but his disgusting self, who could only obsess over keenly observing each and every move they make. Like a stalker. Like a creep. Like a predator eyeing its prey.

But they were never been his. And the day they learnt of his habit is the day they will be disgusted by him.

“Lucifer!” and the fact that they were attached to his eldest brother— the one who robbed him of his freedom once— didn’t help.

They would link arms around his. Heck, even snuggled to it as they do so, with that widest smile upon their face. The small giggles they give off as the abomination in the form of his brother praised them while petting them. Oh, how he wanted to just cut off that hand straying onto them! How dare he touch–

…them that might have already belonged to him, long before he could enter the picture…?

No. There's just no way that heartless brother of his to fall for a mere human. That brother who bowed down to a demon the day his sister died. And the human who taught him how to love again, to fall for Lucifer. That’s just… impossible… It’s just too cruel…

But I love them too! I can love them more than that fiend who chose a demon over his family!

“No, you’re much crueler…” He could hear the whispers at the back of his mind. “Have you forgotten what you did? You killed them. Do you think you have any rights to even lay a finger on them? You spiteful, wretched, monster…”

…Right… He has no rights to have them… He lost it before he could realize the weight of his actions… It was the painful truth. A punishment for a sinner like him. He could regret it until his last breath but he could never be forgiven.

He doesn't deserve to have a place in their heart. Never. Never…

The door to the twins’ room creaked open and he knew exactly whose footsteps it was without the need to look. “Belphegor, Lucifer gave me some sushi. You like this, right? Let’s eat it while it’s fresh.”

Lucifer again, huh...

“It’s yours. Eat it yourself.” There’s no more point in fighting a lost battle.

Let it grow, “Ehh? But you like—”

“Let’s stop this.” … or let it go.

“…Huh? Stop what?”

He also fears what he might do in the future due to this rotten affection of his. “Just as I thought, I couldn’t stand humans. You’re so naïve and trusting. I’m already fed up with dealing with your antics.”

“Wait, I don’t understand…” They asked, confusion and unease were all over their face.

“You don’t? Then let me explain in a way you’ll understand in that small, gullible brain of yours.” He took a deep breath. He needs to keep his cool or he will definitely break in front of them, “Everything is all an act. You thought I like being with you? Think again, fool. Having a human around me fills me with nothing but wrath and anger! Who do you cause my nightmares!? Your race disgusts me to death! Just looking at you makes me want to puke!”

“B-Belphegor… please tell me you’re kidding.”

“Kidding? Do I look like I’m joking?” he scoffed, holding back the pain clawing in his chest. “Be thankful for my brothers. If not because of them, you won’t be alive the second time, nor your ignorant race are.

“I won’t touch a hide of you or any human. So please, stop bothering me anymore.” being unable to stifle the emotions on the verge of bursting, he turned his back on the devastated human.

This is for the best. He’s back in his cage. Staring at the lacework of the long-lived spiders on the ceiling. He already witnessed its threads wear and replace countless of times. That might not even be the same spider he saw on his first night there. He could care less. After all, the only time he was truly curious of a being is when he met them.

How he wished the thread of his feelings were as flimsy as the spider’s. That way it’ll fall off over time. It can simply be cut off when it comes on his way.

“How I wished I didn’t meet you at all.” He knows it well. He is a big liar. In some way or another, just like the firstborn. But they deserve him more than his wretched self.

Lucifer, he was the morning star. The fact that both heaven and hell were captivated by his beauty and excellence. But Belphegor… he was nothing but a bleak abyss. He once dreamt of his brother’s greatness. Yet he couldn't be anything. He, miserable and empty, who only had nothing but guilt, regrets and a broken heart— as he watched them weep.

It’s been weeks since then. They never approached him like he said. Neither in the dining table nor classroom do they discern his presence. It was painful, but he can take it. The only unbearable one he felt is catching them cry— in Lucifer’s arms.

How long are they going to cry? Is it still because of him? No… This is for the best...

This is his atonement. His fate. He still couldn’t have anything, yet he already lost everything. His—

Lucifer… He is staring at him straight in the eye. I should leave.

But Belphegor couldn’t leave. Not after the eldest gave him that sly smirk. What does that mea…

Lucifer didn’t give him time to think. “Wha, Lucifer…?” Sound of confusion left their mouth as Lucifer grabbed their chin firmly between his index and thumb, with the menacing look on his face. “What are you—!”

And the gap between their faces disappeared. “Hmph!” The sight of the futile struggle of his beloved in the hands of the man he entrusted them to… made the youngest snap.

“LUCIFER!!!” His horns and tail materializing, he lunged towards him. His clenched fist flying in the air, aiming for his jaw. Yet, as if expecting it, Lucifer evade him, loosening his grip on the stunned human in the process. Belphegor saw this as a chance to pry them away from his brother’s hands, before jumping a few meters away from him.

“When are you going to learn to clean after your own mess, Belphegor?” As if the devious smirk were never been present on his face, Lucifer looked at them with his usual expression.

“What the hell?! You’re the one who assaulted them!!” He snarled like a wild animal, holding his treasure protectively from the threat.

“I didn’t do anything. Ask them yourself.”

“Ask? Do you think I’m blind?!” His stance became stiffer, fangs sheathed and glaring sharply at his brother, who is unfazed.

A light tug on his collar made his eyes soften, and caused him to realize his tight grip on them in which he loosen. “Are you hurt?”

“N-No… Lucifer’s saying the truth… He didn’t kiss me. I was just a bit confused he pressed his thumb over my lips.”

“.... What? Okay, but still—!”

“Do you think I’m a fool, Belphegor?” Lucifer cut him off, “I know what you’re planning. I'm already your brother for thousands of years.”

“...”

“Do you now understand the consequence of your foolish action? You left someone important to you in the care of others. But you didn’t think that sort of thing might actually happen?”

“But it’s you who they love!”

Lucifer’s frown deepens, “Even if it were some lesser demon they’re in love with, I bet you'll leave them in their care.”

“I...” He… Lucifer’s right… No one's more dangerous for them than himself.

Belphegor's horns and tail disappeared as he calms down, processing what his brother is saying.

“Everyone’s dangerous in Devildom, you fool. If you really are sorry for what you did, protect them instead.”

“Protect? But… But I...” Ignoring him, the eldest glanced at the person between the youngest’s arms.

“Do you already get what I’m saying Y/N?” They nod. “Not only are you both foolish and stubborn, but also blind. Now fix this yourselves. I’m done with your drama.” pinching the bridge of his nose, Lucifer left them in that awkward position without another word.

“...I’m really sorry. I was afraid to hurt you more than I already did.” After a moment of silence, Belphegor decided to break it first.

“You already did, you idiot.” Wiping the stray tears on their puffy eyes, Belphegor gave them a sad smile. “I guess I did.”

“But I still don’t think this is alright. Shouldn’t you be a bit more wary around me? I mean you already… died in my hands once.”

“You brat. Do you think I’d cry like that if I we’re okay with not being with you? I've never held a grudge against you in the first place.” They pout.

“Why? How can you forgive me that easily?” The demon frowns at them.

“Well, wouldn't life be more wonderful if we know how to forgive and forget?”

Frustrations were evident in his eyes, Belphegor's frown deepens. “That's not right… I killed you mercile—”

“Then shouldn't I be asking you? Why can't you forgive yourself?” He didn’t answer. Mistakes have already piled up as is.

Forgive himself? Why? Does he hate himself?

...Yes... I probably do... He loathed himself. terribly so... But they, who tasted the his abhorrence. He couldn't understand how they didn't.

“You want you to find happiness.” They cupped his disgruntled face in their palms, foreheads touching as they gave him comfort.

“I can’t.” with glassy eyes, he held a hand on his cheeks, “Not when you are my happiness. Not when you liked my brother.”

“You really are blind. And here I thought I was just assuming things.” their giggles were like music to his ears. Their orbs were like the placid sky set upon him. “You really are blind. And here I thought I was just assuming things.”

“I love you, idiot.” And their words, with no hint of doubt or hesitation, hit him like a surge. It made his feelings overflow, coursing throughout his entire body, and finally spilling on every corner of his eyes. It made him unable to speak. “I’m not even hoping for you to feel the same. I just wished to stay by your side… and for you to cherish yourself like how I’ve been to you.”

Belphegor felt so happy beyond words. Such indescribable feelings swirling inside him, one that he can’t put into words. With so much running inside his head, the only line he could form is… “Thank you.”

Weeping, but from so much joy this time, they huddled in each other's grasp, not caring of their setting, until their hearts finally felt whole again.

And after such a blissful moment, “...that’s it? No I love you too?” They spoke.

“What are you saying? I already said I love you.”

“No you didn’t. Saying I’m your happiness and confessing are separate things.” they frown at him, expecting.

“It’s the same.” Yet knowing how stubborn the demon is, the human raised their white flag, although disappointed.

“Okay, alright…” They sighed, wiping his eyes with a tear-stained handkerchief. “Why am I the one comforting you anyways? I’m the one crying because of you.”

Belphegor smiled mischievously, like he didn’t cry a while ago. “Because I’m the youngest.”

“Ugh, why did I fall for a spoiled brat?” Another sigh left them as they pulled him up, “Let's go, I’m sleepy.”

Yet as soon as he rose on his feet, he placed his arms on the back of their knees and shoulder blades to carry them, gaining a small yelp from them.

“Hey...” no protest managed to leave their lips as he sealed it with a chaste kiss. Probably not their first but it was the sweetest one. It only last a few seconds, but Belphegor knew fully well. This memory will last forever.

“I love you more, my solace.”

[amberjazmyn]

take me back (to the night we met)

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - take me back (to the night we met)

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - young misha, crying, flashbacks, grief

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - with some of the lyrics of lord huron's 'the night we met', we see misha remember the day he lost the love of his life in car accident and wishing he could go back to the night they first met. 

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - this is an old one-shot i wrote years ago but i wanna rewrite it as i am literally struggling atm with ideas. 

masterlist

- - - 

twelve months juliannah, remind me please why you got into that car...

i shudder as i rock back and forth subconsciously as i sit up in my bed. it was the same dream every single night. it's been a year since my girlfriend, juliannah, passed way due to a car crash and it was taking over my life. i couldn't even sleep or do anything without her being right there at the forefront of every single thought and feeling i had. there were days i got mad and there were days where i was sad and couldn't do anything but cry. but, today, it seemed as though i was mad because it felt like i didn't deserve to lose my girlfriend and that my girlfriend didn't deserve to die that day. it was actually her birthday today, that's why i'm probably so sad and angry because she's no longer here to celebrate it anymore. 

"...misha, sweetheart, are you awake?" my mom calls out as i hum 

"yes mom, i'm awake!" i grumble as mom sighs before walking into my room

"good. because we have a big day ahead of us, we..." 

"...doing what?" i argue, sitting myself up in my bed as i fluff with my messy bed hair as my mom sighs again

"well, i thought because of what day it is today, that we'd go down to the cemetery to see juliannah and then visit her parents and siblings, see how they're doing and then go out for dinner together..." mom trailed off as i was shocked that mom even remembered juliannah's birthday because before now she has never remembered it 

"...you...you remember juliannah's birthday?" i stammer as mom sighed again with a soft smile as she moved further into my room 

"of course i have. contrary to belief, i have always remembered her birthday, you've just never noticed it and always chalked it up as me forgetting her birthday. i could never forget her birthday, she's family," mom smiled softly, her arms crossing over as tears start to well in my eyes as i smile as well and nod my head 

"thanks mom...for...for remembering..." i stammer out as i try to hold back the tears as mom smiles and nods her head as she sits on my bed next to me 

she grabs my hand and holds it tightly, "...we all miss her, misha but, you can't keep doing this to yourself. this is why i wanted to do this today, on juliannah's birthday so i could force you to leave the house and your bedroom because it's not healthly for you to stay in here and just wilt away to nothingness, misha..." mom also got emotional as this was clearly hurting my mom as well that i was still so devastated after juliannah's death

"...i know mom but what else is there for me to do other than rot in my bed?" i whispered softly as mom smirked as she messed up my hair even more 

"live, misha. that's what juliannah would want you to be doing. so do it, learn how to love life again because you loved it..." mom trailed off as she gave me a kiss to the head and then walked out of my room, expecting that in the next five minutes i'd be out of bed and in a clean outfit for the day

and, i couldn't argue with my mom. she was right. i did love life but that was with juliannah but, i think i could relearn how to love life again without her. then, as i got up out of bed and walked over to my closet, i seemed to forget the framed photo of me and juliannah that i had placed in there as i was overcome with a memory of the both of us and i just froze...

flashback | juliannah's pov

...i giggle as i lay down on the couch in the collins' living room. misha, my boyfriend, was home in boston after doing some tv shows and commericals in los angeles and he and his brother sasha were play fighting before they had decided to move the play fighting over to me. and, their choice of attack was to tickle me. 

"...ow ow, stop!" i squeal as suddenly misha or sasha, i don't even know who it was but, one of the brothers had tickled me too rough which had me squeal out in pain

"shoot, are you okay juliannah?" sasha responds, oh, it was sasha as i giggle softly, sitting up from my previous laying position

"yeah, i'm okay *giggles* don't worry about it sasha," i giggle as i notice that sasha could relax properly after i reassured him that i was alright 

i then go back to lie down and mindlessly scroll through a photo album of baby misha and sasha when i groan involuntarily. i think look up to see that misha had taken his opportunity to straddle me. the photo album chucked to the side as i go up to kiss him before giggling. 

"...y'all are so cute and so lucky that i took the photo on time!" misha and i suddenly hear, turning to our left we see that sasha had taken a photo with the polaroid to capture the moment of misha and i 

"aw, thanks sasha!" i smile as i then push misha off of me slightly as he then proceeds to be dramatic whilst i grab the polaroid from sasha to see the photo he had taken

wasting no time, i stuck the polaroid into the photo album that i was just looking at. sure, the photo wasn't a baby photo but, it was sweet photo of one of the babies in the album. 

present time | misha's pov

i smile as i stare at that specific polaroid that i had framed that juliannah had stuck in the photo album of baby photos of sasha and i all those years ago. it made me feel so much better in knowing that she didn't rip it or throw it away as she had jokingly threatened she would to my mom when she asked about how that photo had even got into the baby photo album. 

"...misha? seriously honey, we're about to leave for the cemetery in like a minute. you sure you're okay?" mom calls out from the entry way of the hallway as i smile to no one and call back out

"oh...yeah..yeah, i'm okay mom. sorry, i'm getting ready now, i won't take too much longer!" i call back out as i feel like my mom knows when i'm lying and bluffing but she didn't question it any further 

and that was because i didn't take much longer to get ready even though i got distracted by the photo frame i had hidden away in my wardrobe purposefully. rushing down the stairs in my washington state collegiate sweater and some nice jeans and sneakers, i met the rest of my family at the door. 

of course, i got looks of worry but i just ignored them because i couldn't have my family knowing just how devastated i still was about my girlfriend's death one year on. sasha kept an eye on me during the drive to the cemetery where juliannah had been laid to rest but i just didn't want to acknowledge it, until he forced me to. 

"...misha, are you sure you're okay? you've been quite this whole trip..." sasha trailed off as i huffed, resting my hand on my chin as my elbow rested on the car window of which i looked out of

"...sasha, leave your brother alone please. if he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't have to, alright darling? he'll talk to us when he's ready..." mom then piped up as she looked at sasha through the rear-view mirror as sasha sighed but nodded his head 

respecting that i didn't want to have conversation on the drive and that i'd talk when i was ready, sasha nodded his head and turned it to look out of his window as one sister, danielle was in the front seat and elizabeth was in between sasha and i. we then arrived at the cemetery and straight away, hopping out of the car, i smiled as i recognised one of the people already at juliannah's gravestone. 

it was juliannah's sister helena who i don't think i'd actually seen since juliannah's funeral two weeks after juliannah's death. she was wearing a sweet white dress with juliannah's old red bow in her hair and she looked so happy and alive whereas i was the complete opposite. 

"...helena!" i mumbled as i broke away from my family and ran over to helena who met me halfway between juliannah's grave and the road where mom had parked her car

she smiled and immediately gave me a hug, "misha? what are you doing here?" she wasn't saying that in a bad way i know but it was a good question since i hadn't been here since her funeral and burial 

"oh, mom suggested that because it's juliannah's birthday today that we should come down to visit her and then catch up with you guys at the house and then go out for dinner together..." i trailed off as helena smiled 

"...aw, that's really sweet of your mom, misha! i'm glad you guys are here actually as i'm the only one here and looks like the only one...mom refused, dad's working so it's not really his choice or fault and the other siblings have also said they'd rather celebrate juliannah anywhere but the cemetery so..." helena trailed off as i smirked and nodded my head, understanding why one wouldn't want to be at a cemetery to celebrate a birthday 

"...yeah, understandable but, it's still nice i guess to make an effort to visit..." i trail off as i realise i sound like a total arsehole since i was someone who never really made an effort until been forced to today to make an effort to visit and helena caught that too as she giggled 

"...it is and, i'm glad you did make an effort cause i know it's just as hard for you as it is for the rest of us..." helena trailed off as she held my hand and started to walk the both of us closer to juliannah's gravestone 

i was so scared to actually see the gravestone again but, i was glad i had helena with me as she spoke up again, "...she really loved you, misha. she was obsessed with you, totally obsessed and i think that's why it hurts so much more because she would never get the chance to marry you and have kids with you..." helena sighed as she tilted her head, looking at the photo of her sister that was etched into her marble gravestone 

i became teary-eyed as i stared at the photo myself. she looked so young but that's because she was. she wasn't even in her mid-twenties, she was only twenty-two and she'll always stay as a twenty-two year old for the rest of her life. not getting the chance to grow old anymore because her life was so brutally taken away from her. 

"...i remember her telling me that she wanted to marry me eventually. i just feel bad that i never got to tell her that..." i sniffled as helena held my hand tighter and held me closer as she rested her head on my shoulder 

"...i'm sorry too misha. especially since it's obvious that you're still struggling and then you see me and my family and it looks like we've got our shit all sorted and it makes you feel like utter shit that you're still grieving..." helena looked at me as a tear streamed down my cheek as i nodded my head 

"...it's not just your family, helena. it's mine as well, i mean, they all look put together and happy and then there's me. wearing the same sweater, jeans and sneakers with messy hair and a face that looks like it's been punched over and over again..." i mutter, trailing off as helena just pulls me in for a hug, turning me away from juliannah's gravestone as i just cry 

"...and i'm so sorry we didn't notice you struggle, misha. we should've been there to help you as it's not easy to lose the love of your life this young. and it's not supposed to happen this way, you were supposed to live the rest of your lives together. you were supposed to get married and have children together and i'm so sorry you'll never get that life with juliannah." helena whispered as she held me tightly as i just continued to cry 

and i didn't care if my mom and siblings were watching. i wanted them to see just how hurt i still was over juliannah's death after a year of her being gone. sure, it should make me feel slightly guilty seeing how guilty they are but, at this point, i feel like they deserve to feel bad.  they deserved to know that they were at some fault for why i was still struggling. 

after a while though, my tears finally stopped and we decided that we would leave the cemetery as it was clearly not the smartest idea to stay here any longer. so, because helena was dropped off at the cemetery on her dad's way to work and because we had room in the car, helena came with us in the car as we drove back to her house. we then spent the rest of the day with helena and her family for juliannah's birthday. then, we went out to juliannah's favourite restaurant for dinner and truthfully, it was lovely and it was the best way we could have celebrated juliannah's twenty-third birthday. the only thing that was obviously missing was juliannah.

i am not the only traveller who has not repaid his debt

as we travelled home after dinner with helena and juliannah's family, my heart broke once again as i couldn't help but wish juliannah was still here with us. elizabeth, who sat in the middle seat in the back of the car, held my hand, noticing that i wasn't okay. and i squeezed her hand, telling her thank you and i appreciate what she's doing to help me. ecause i think what helena said at the cemetery really stuck with them and they realised that what they thought was helpful wasn't actually helpful at all. and, it was in that moment that they knew they had to change their tactics and they did. and i was grateful for that because, if it wasn't for helena reading my mind, i don't think i could have told my family at all that what they were doing wasn't actually as helpful as they thought it was. 

i've been searching for a trail to follow again. take me back to the night we met. 

in all honesty, as i walked back up the stairs to my bedroom, seeing all around me how messy it was, and how i was so embarrassed about the fact that i was juliannah's boyfriend. and i say that because i was hiding all of my physical memories of juliannah's. for example, all of our photos and polaroids, they were all hidden away in cupboards and tucked away behind clothes in my wardrobe because i was scared to look at them for the fear i'd cry and unable to stop crying. and in all honesty, at the time, it seemed like a good idea but looking back now, it was the wrong thing to do. who cares if i do cry looking at the photos? it just means that i really did love and care about juliannah. and it meant that i wanted to be taken back to that first night we met. 

a knock was then heard at my door, "...misha?" it was mom as i smiled 

"yeah mom?" i smiled as i turned around to see mom opening my door wider 

"how did it feel returning back to juliannah's gravestone? i'm sorry if it was too much..." mom trailed off as i shook my head and sat on the edge of my bed

"...don't apologise mom. at first, i will admit, it was awful but the moment i saw helena i knew i could relax and that it was all going to be okay..." i trailed off with a smile as mom relaxed and nodded her head

"...that's good well, what are you doing in here?" mom asks as she notices my cupboard and wardrobe was open as i laughed 

"oh, uh, hah, i was just going to bring out all the the things i have of juliannah out of hiding and kind of display them around my room..." i trailed off as mom smiled as she nodded her head 

"...that's a brilliant idea, misha. i'm guessing it was something that helena told you to do?" mom questioned with a certain look on her face as i chuckled 

"what if it was helena's suggestion? she's just telling me her tips as to what helped her and what didn't," i groaned as mom held her hands up and smiled

"i'm not suggesting anything or i'm not saying anything. i'm just glad we saw helena at the cemetery before dinner actually. she seems to know a lot more on how to help you then we do and i'm glad she's suggested for you to look at the things of juliannah's that you still have of her. it's a thing that will help you..." mom trailed off as i spoke up again

"...even if it takes me back to the day we met?" i question as mom sighed and nodded her head 

"even if it takes you back to the day you met, misha," mom nodded her head as i did as well as i found myself suddenly clocking onto juliannah's oversized collegiate sweater 

 and mom noticed it as well as she smiled, "do you want to be left alone, misha?" mom questioned as i gulped the sudden tears that had welled in my eyes and nodded my head

"uh, yes...yes please, thanks mom..." i trailed off, my voice cracking as mom nodded her head

"...alright. i love you always misha," mom whispered as she then left the room without another word and closed my door behind her

after mom left i just cried some more with my back against the wardrobe that i had seen juliannah's college sweater in as i held it and cried into it. it still smelt like juliannah's perfume since this was the sweater she was actually wearing on the day i first met her with this exact scent all over it. and now, i didn't want that scent to disappear even though i knew it eventually would. but before it could do that, i was soaking up all of the smell of my deceased girlfriend since it had felt like forever since i had last smelt the scent. 

and then i can tell myself what the hell am i supposed to do and then i can tell myself not to ride along with you. 

it had been a couple of weeks after juliannah's birthday and seeing helena when i was having an emotional breakdown. the worst one i had had since the day juliannah died. i didn't know what to do so the only thing i could think to do was to take mom's car and drive down to the cemetery. 

i know i looked stupid to the other people in the cemetery since i was wearing my pyjamas but, i was at a loss of what to do without juliannah. so, like a crazy psycho, i started to talk to my girlfriend's gravestone as though it was a conversation and she could respond to me. 

"...juliannah, what...what the hell am i supposed to do without you? i...i don't know what to do anymore..." i sobbed as i fell to my knees, the wilting flowers seemingly following me in a dance as they fold over themselves 

i cry more after i get no response. of course i don't get a response, juliannah's dead and i can't do anything about it. i sit in morbid silence for what felt like hours and it probably was as it had suddenly gotten a lot colder then what it was when i first arrived. but it was peaceful and i liked that it was peaceful because of all the limited times i had been here at juliannah's grave, it had never been this calm. that was until i heard footsteps come up behind me. and i was curious as to who it was as they were getting closer and then i realised it was helena. 

she was wearing one of juliannah's old sweaters and ugg boots with leggings and long white fluffy socks. which was different to the short sleeve plaid pyjamas i was wearing. with her arms crossed and a worried look on her face, she pulled me into a hug. which we stayed in for a while until she felt comfortable in letting me go. 

"...what are you doing here all alone in this weather, misha?" helena asked with worry as i shrugged my shoulders as i wiped my face of the tears i had cried 

"i guess...i guess i'm just confused and want an answer, helena. i don't know what to do anymore i mean, how am i supposed to live without her..." i trailed off as helena smiled and nodded her head as she grabbed my hand and sat the both of us down

"...you just do, misha. that's all you can do at this point and i'm sure juliannah wouldn't like it that you're still so stuck and not able to move on. i mean, i could help you with it and i'm sure she wouldn't mind it..." helena trailed off as she moved closer to my face as i was unsure as to what she was doing

"...what..what do you mean, helena?" i ask, moving my face away as she then realises and she pulls back as well 

"oh...oh my gosh..i am so sorry misha! i didn't...i shouldn't have done that..." helena trailed off as she went to run away but i stopped her, grabbing her hand and pulled her back in 

"...no, tell me helena, what were you going to do?" i questioned as helena sighed and looked at me 

"i...i was going to kiss you, misha...but it...it's okay if you didn't want that or..." okay, did not think she was going to be honest but, i have to give it to her, it made me smile and not because i thought she was joking because i knew she wasn't 

"...what if i was going to say yes..." i whispered as helena's eyes widened, i knew she didn't think i would have said yes to her kissing me, especially at the gravestone of her sister and my girlfriend

but, it was at this moment that helena took her shot and i allowed her too, "...then...can...can i kiss you, misha?" helena whispered as i nodded my head as we moved our faces closer to one another before our lips touched and it felt like sparks were flying in my stomach again 

okay, yes, i know it's kind of weird and inappropriate to kiss the sister of your dead girlfriend only a year after her death but, technically, i didn't initiate it. and besides, juliannah did always joke that if she did die before me and her could get married that helena did have permission to  pursue a relationship with me if she so chose to and she also, juliannah, gave that permission to me as well. so, i think that's what helena was trying to do? we then pulled out of the kiss and we both took in deep breaths after losing our breath during the kiss. 

and helena spoke up first with worry, "was...was that a good kiss? i mean, i've never kissed anyone before and i..." before helena could continue blabbing, i pulled her back in and kissed her again 

i pulled out of the kiss and smirked, "...was that a good kiss?" i teased as helena chuckled in shock and nodded her head speechless 

"yeah...wow...yeah...that...that was a great kiss, misha!" she stammered out as i smiled before i grabbed her hand and walked us back to my car

 since, like the first time we saw each other at the cemetery, helena had been dropped off so, i drove us back to my house. thankfully, it was kind of late so everyone in the house was either asleep or in the loungeroom so, no one battered an eyelid when i came in through the backdoor with helena with me. we then went upstairs to my room and just spent the rest of the night together. we didn't do anything sexual but, there was an element of something romantic there.

i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

of course i was devastated that juliannah was dead. it'll always be a pain in my chest that'll never properly fade and that was okay. because, whilst i don't have her anymore, there was still a time of my life where i had all and then most of her. and then it was just some of her that i had and then, eventually, i had none of her. but, now, i was with helena and the best thing about being with helena was, i still had juliannah in my life in some strange way. because, helena is juliannah's sister and helena made sure that juliannah was never forgotten and i liked that. 

whilst most people would think it was a little strange that i went from 'one sister to another', we made sure that our relationship and its foundation wasn't bound on the trauma bond of me losing my former girlfriend and helena losing her sister. because, if that was the foundation of our relationship, that's when it would have been weird and a strange thing. i was happy with helena and i think it really showed when i lived in my everyday life to the point that mom, sasha, danielle, elizabeth and helena's family started to recognise it. and, i think it was mom at first that was really rooting for me and helena's relationship because i think she knew that she and i had a profound bond that was more than just two people who had lost the same person. we had a bond that was special and a connection that in all honesty, i think was stronger than the bond that juliannah and i had and that's saying something as the bond i had with juliannah was strong. 

take me back to the night we met. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. 

but, of course, whilst helena and i had great moments in our relationship that had nothing to do with juliannah, there were still moments where my mind was overwhelmed by smells, photos, and other things that reminded me of juliannah. but, none more so then the night we initially met. and every single time i had those moments of grief, helena would hold me as i would sob and grieve over the loss of juliannah. she wouldn't hate me for it, she wouldn't berate me for it, she'd just sit there alongside me and sometimes even cry with me if the memory was a big one or one that she had been going through as well.

"...ssh, misha. it's okay honey, just breathe," helena tried to calm me down as best as she could as i was distraught 

"no...no it isn't helena! this...this was never meant to happen!" i sob in anger as helena's eyes widened as i then apologise 

"i'm sorry...i...i didn't mean it like that! i just mean..." 

"...i know what you mean, misha. don't apologise for juliannah's death or the fact that we fell in love...don't ever be sorry for being happy again," helena whispered as she wiped my years away and stroked my face as i nodded my head

helena and i then spent the rest of the day going back through our favourite memories of juliannah and it was fantastic. it was so helpful in helping me not only remember juliannah but that ultimately, all that juliannah wanted for me was to be happy. even if it meant i was without her but with her sister instead.

oh, take me back to the night we met.

flashback 

i smiled as i looked across the college hall at the university of chicago. i was so glad i was finally at college and out of high school. because at college, i had a lot more freedom to be the misha i wanted to be. as i was looking around the college hall, i then noticed a really pretty girl who was looking at me.

she walked over to me, saying goodbye to her friends and ran over to me, "...hey, sorry to bother you but, you look familiar, do i know you from somewhere?" the girl asks as i smile in confusion and shake my head 

"hey, umm, you're not bothering me at all but, i'm sorry, i don't think you know me from somewhere..." i trail off as she pouts before smiling as i giggle at her attempt to flirt 

"...damn, i'm sorry. it's just i've seen those eyes before, in my dreams..." she trailed off as she realised just how creepy that sounded as i laughed, appreciating her confidence to continue 

"...i'm sorry, that sounded so creepy...let's just start again...my name is juliannah, what's your name?" juliannah smiles and holds out her hand as i smile and accept the handshake 

"hi juliannah, i'm misha. and, by the way, i have to give you credit for the pun, it was quite a pun to say as the first thing to someone you don't know," i giggle as does juliannah as she shakes her head, still a little bit embarrassed 

"yeah, i mean, i...i wasn't sure what else to say and that was the first thing that came to mind but, it still worked..." juliannah cringed as she laughed which caused me to laugh again as we started to walk around the campus 

"...so, uh, where are you from misha? you don't sound like you're from around here..." juliannah trailed off as i nodded my head 

"...i'm originally from boston so it was a fourteen hour drive for me and my mom for moving day..." i trailed off as juliannah opened her mouth in shock as i nodded my head with a giggle

"...wow, that's so cool! i was born and raised here in chicago so, it was kind of a no-brainer that i'd end up studying here," juliannah shrugged her shoulders as i stared at her and nodded my head 

"i mean, that's great then as it means you don't have to live here in the dorms, right?" i joked as juliannah giggled and shook her head 

"oh, it means i do have to live in the dorms here," juliannah laughed as it was my turn to open my mouth in shock 

"why's that?" i ask as juliannah just smiles as she explains 

"my parents wanted me to have the full college experience which meant also living on campus but allowed me to come home for the weekends if i so choose to," juliannah giggled as i laughed too 

"wow, that's a twist. well, do you plan to go home for the weekends? how far away are you actually from home?" i wondered as juliannah smiled 

"like, a decent two hours away so, it's a nice-ish drive back home," juliannah giggled as she then waved at someone who waved at her as i smiled

"oh, okay, that's not too bad. way better than a fourteen hour cross country drive for me!" i laughed as juliannah nodded her head 

"yeah. way better...anyway, what are you studying misha?" juliannah then asked as i had a textbook hidden as i giggled in embarrassment 

"social theory...not very exciting and more nerdy but, i think i'd enjoy it," i shrugged as juliannah smiled at me as i showed her the textbook 

"that's so cool! i don't think that's nerdy! besides, i'm studying philosphy which sounds more nerdy and a whole less exciting then social theory..." juliannah trailed off as i smiled at her 

"...wow, philosphy? that's so cool, that would be amazing to study than social theory but, we move i guess," i laughed which made juliannah laugh as we just continued talking with one another 

we then found out that we had an elective subject together because i totally forgot that i had a philosphy elective and, it just happened to be the same one as juliannah's. so, we actually ended up spending a lot of time together whilst at college in chicago. 

present time 

helena and i continued to recall our favourite memories of juliannah when she found a photo of me and juliannah. it was the first photo that had been taken of us whilst at college back in the 90s. i giggled as the photo was so old but it was a sweet photo of us as at the time, we weren't even exclusively dating at that point i think. we were just seeing each other with no strings attached. whilst it was a very sweet photo, it also brought back a lot of memories that i genuinely thought i had forgotten. like all the secret sleepovers we'd have in each others dorms since, obviously, the dorms were separated by gender but, during the times we would sneak into each other's dorm rooms, we were never caught. and, this was one of the times that juliannah had snuck into my dorm and it was just a fun night. the polaroid was then pointed at us by one of my roommates and the pose we decided to do was to flick out the rude finger to the camera and, the photo was taken. it was a photo juliannah had kept in her dorm but, i got to see it all the time since we were always in each other's rooms. the best thing was, our roommates never minded as they were also always sneaking in their boyfriends and girlfriends. 

"...that's a really cute photo, misha. when was it taken?" helena asked as she showed me the photo even though i knew what the photo was before even looking at it 

"thanks helena. it was taken in my dorm room at college in chicago. juliannah and i would always sneak into each other's dorm rooms and just hang out together. and one of my roommates had noticed juliannah and i just getting really touchy with each other and took out his polaroid and took a photo of us and, that's the pose we came up with. just a simple rude finger but, the memory of it is what i remember the most i think," i smiled as i tilted my head and looked at it properly and realised just how different we looked then versus what we looked that towards the 'end' of our relationship - we had grown up 

"were you guys dating at this point?" helena questioned as she stared lovingly at her older sister as i smiled 

"not exclusively. we were only still technically in the talking stage at that point with no strings attached but, we always found a way back to each other i guess," i sighed as i too stared lovingly at juliannah and helena was never bothered by it 

"how did you guys even meet? i don't think juliannah ever told me, probably because she didn't want me to fall in love with you at the time *giggles*," helena giggled cheekily as i also laughed and shook my head 

"we met during i think week two of semester one. we just both ended up catching each other's eyes and juliannah walked over to me and just started the conversation...she uh...she actually tried to flirt with me using a pun, it was an awful pun but, i found it funny and it clearly worked..." i trailed off as helena shook her head

"...what pun did she use?" helena was afraid to ask as i giggled and tilted my head as i remembered it clearly 

"she said, 'hey, sorry to bother you but, you look familiar, do i know you from somewhere?' and i responded with that she wasn't bothering me but that i wasn't sure if she did know me from elsewhere and she replied with 'damn, i'm sorry. it's just i've seen those eyes before, in my dreams'..." i trailed off with a small giggle as it made me really miss juliannah as helena softened

"...oh my god, i'm so sorry that that's how you met my sister!" helena joked as i laughed 

"oh, don't worry, she felt so bad afterward and apologised if it sounded creepy. but, i didn't find it creepy at all, i actually found it quite endearing that she had the confidence to come up to someone and have that be the first thing she says to them and i think i told her that as well..." i trailed off as helena and i then just sat in silence as juliannah roamed around our minds and memories for the rest of the day 

when the night was full of terrors and your eyes filled with tears when you had not touched me yet. oh, take me back to the night we met. 

out of nowhere, as helena and i found more photos and memories of juliannah, whether they involved me or not, the last one she found was a very sweet one. and, it was one of the last photos taken of me and juliannah. well, at least the last one on the old polaroid camera before we had to throw it away cause it broke. it wasn't our last ever photo together entirely but the last one on our very old polaroid film camera. it was a photo of juliannah and i kissing, well, almost kissing. this was just after we had finished college so we no longer had to sneak around to each others dorms. this was actually our first apartment that we shared with another couple who we were friends with and had gone to college in chicago with. and our friends had caught juliannah and i being rather cute and decided to take a photo of it on the polaroid but, because of how old it was, it didn't take the photo as we kissed but rather as juliannah was moving into the kiss. but, we didn't do a second try of the photo cause we loved the first version better and because if we tried again, it would have looked forced and it was a great candid moment taken on a broken polaroid camera that was then thrown out shortly after that photo was taken...

flashback

"...misha collins! what are you doing?!" juliannah squeals out as i giggle, i had come up from behind her and picked her up 

"can't a man love on his girlfriend?!" i exasperate as the melodic giggles of my girlfriend fills my ears which makes me instantly happy 

"of course you can! i'm not saying you can't, i just would like better notice of when you're going to pick me up for fuck sake, misha!" juliannah cackles as i couldn't help my own laughter as i held her tightly 

as we giggled, i then had an idea, since i had come at her from behind and picked her up, i turned her around where she was facing me. she then wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my throat, her arms resting on my back so she didn't choke me. it was in this moment as she moved in to kiss me that our friends, mikey and sinead who were also a couple, had come home. and of course, because they were so loud, they were ruining me and juliannah's moment together but, we learnt to just ignore them and tune them out when they were loud. 

it was as juliannah moved in to kiss me again that mikey decided to grab the broken old polaroid that i quite honestly needed to throw out and went to take a photo of juliannah and i kissing. and mikey was so excited to finally get a polaroid of us kissing after he had tried the entire time he and sinead have lived with juliannah and i to get one. however, he was still yet to succeed cause it was obvious once he took the photo that it hadn't taken a photo of juliannah and i kissing. which, at this point, was a regular occurence so, it didn't bother us. but, it was kind of funny to see and hear just how upset mikey was that he still couldn't get a polaroid of me and juliannah kissing.

"...did you take the photo mikey? i really need to be put down on the floor so please tell me you got the photo?!" juliannah whines as i can tell she's in pain and honestly, so am i for how long i've held her for 

mikey laughs and nods his head, "yeah i did but, again, it didn't get the kiss like we hoped it did. but, it did get the moment before and it still looks all cute and coupley but, not the kiss..." he trailed off as his voice got more sadder as juliannah and i laughed and rolled our eyes 

i placed juliannah back on the floor as we looked at the polaroid that mikey had taken. i smiled immediately as the photo mikey had taken was such a good photo, even though it wasn't of the kiss like originally wanted. with or without the kiss, this was a polaroid that needed to either be framed or included in the collins family photo album. 

present time

helena stared at the photo of me and juliannah for a little while longer as she smiled. i could tell she felt as though she could visulise the memory of the moment of this photo being taken in the same way i could. even though she wasn't there when the photo was taken and, i could tell it was making helena emotional. 

"...i'm really glad that you and juliannah were together for as long as you were, misha..." helena trailed off as she placed the polaroid back into the photo album that was now resting openly on my bookshelf as i smiled 

"...i'm glad too, helena. i really did love your sister and i know she really loved me too but, don't let that stop you from allowing yourself to believe that i can't love you just because i loved your sister. because, quite frankly, the way i loved juliannah will always be different to the way i love you but that doesn't make me love you any less. if anything, it makes me love you more but in a different, more beautiful way that's only unique to you. if you're worried that i'll be stuck with the memory of juliannah then, let this be the consolation to that thought..." i trailed off as i grabbed helena's head and pushed it gently towards my face and kissed her

she was at first shocked, of course, but quickly broke out of the shock as she then moved into the kiss and became more comfortable. we then ended up falling backwards onto my bed with helena falling on top of me which made us giggle as we just made out with each other, our clothes still on and nothing else sexual. we were still finding our footing in this relationship since it was so new but, it was already so comfortable that i don't think it'd take us that long to get to the nitty gritty of an established relationship. 

i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you. take me back to the night we met. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. take me back to the night we met 

- - - 

i didn't really want to end it like this with just the lyrics at the end since it was clearly a happy ending with misha and helena, juliannah's sister, being in a relationship but, i wasn't sure how else to end it. i did think about including a new photo that kind of was a coda to misha and juliannah's first photo together with misha and helena's but i didn't do that cause i felt as though it'd come off cheesy but, lemme know if i should add that in or if i should not. 

ok ily bye xx

wc; 7628

[yoongsicles]

warning: almost cheating

wc: 1,673

genre: lil' fluff, angst

Track 2: One Last Time (Ten Lee)

Sometimes you still question yourself if choosing your modeling career was the right choice or even leaving your family just so you can go to Paris.

There's still a lot going on inside your mind to this day. Ever since you've been chosen to become one of the models in your agency to go to France, you have never been so happy in your life. It was a dream come true for you but being there made you realize how incomplete you are.

Sometimes you still question yourself if choosing your career over him was the right choice.

Him. Ten Lee.

You two were inseparable ever since elementary. He was there in your ups and downs, you were there when his parents got divorced. You were his first everything and he was yours.

For him, you were the love of his life, his everything. But that was before you broke his heart.

You are officially invited to Ten and Lisa's wedding.

You've read this countless times but it still hasn't sunk in. Lisa was your high school best friend. You knew from the beginning how he feels about Ten but since you were still his girlfriend back then, Lisa didn't have a choice but to accept the fact that you're his.

And now. They're about to get married.

"It's good to have you back here" your sister, Yeri held your hand while she's driving. She just picked you up from the airport.

You're still looking at the invitation when Yeri noticed you.

"You don't have to go, you know" she sighed still focused on the road. "I can't miss Lisa's big day," you said putting the invitation inside your purse.

"Don't you think it's kind of insensitive for her to send you an invitation?" she asked and added "Three years ago when she told you that she's dating Ten, that was foul. I mean you're her best friend and dating your ex is just" she sighed again.

"I have no control over their feelings, Yeri. All I have to do right now is to support them" you tried showing her a smile but failed.

It was exactly six years ago when you chose your career over Ten.

When you got to Paris, you still tried continuing your relationship with him but you weren't happy anymore. Long-distance doesn't work for you but for him everything was possible.

Until he was the only one left trying. Ten knows that you're about to give up but you already did.

Ten supported your career still even though in return, he'll lose you.

When Lisa told you that he was dating Ten two years after you broke up, that made you realize that breaking his heart was a mistake.

And now you're too late.

"We're here" you got back to your senses when the car stopped. Looking at your house, you can't express how happy you are now that you're finally home.

Two days after returning to Seoul, you and Yeri went to Lisa's bridal shower.

"Now you're nervous" Yeri teased you, "I told you this is not a good idea. What will happen to you at the actual wedding? Passed out?"

"I'm fine" you smiled at her. You saw Lisa entertaining her guests and took her a minute to saw you too.

"Oh my God, you're here!" she ran towards you giving you a hug "Hey," you said still hugging her "Six years, y/n. Six freaking years and the only thing that can get you back here is my wedding" Lisa squealed holding both of your hands.

"Well, I can't miss this," you tell her smiling. Yeri scoffed beside you giving Lisa a fake smile.

The night went well. You saw your high school batchmates, got to drink your favorite wine, and you also got to bond with your sister.

Lisa's bridal shower was about to end when you saw Ten entering the venue. You felt like everything stopped. Seeing him again after six years was overwhelming that you can't even think properly.

He went to greet Lisa and the other guests. "You're not supposed to be here! This is an all-girls party" you heard Lisa shooing Ten away but he just held Lisa's hand tighter "I'm here to pick you up. It's getting late" Ten replied.

You were waiting for him to notice you until he did.

"You never told me that Ten got way hotter now," you told Yeri still looking at Ten "Uhm because he's already your ex?" she answered.

"Y/n! Come!" Lisa called you but your feet were glued on the floor so Lisa decided to bring Ten and walked towards you.

Both of you and Ten had an awkward greeting but he made sure he's making you feel comfortable by having a proper conversation with you.

"I'm glad that you'd get to attend," he said. You don't know how to answer that so you just gave him a smile. Ten has known you enough that he can see the pain in your eyes.

He tried not to think about it but seeing you so beautiful tonight can't deny the fact that he missed you too. After all, you were his best friend.

On the way home, you don't even know if it's the alcohol that's making you sad or seeing Ten earlier. You still can't move on from how good he looked.

You still love him. You still do and it sucks.

The night before the wedding, you've decided to visit Ten in his apartment. You knew Lisa's not gonna be there because she's not allowed to be with his groom until the wedding.

Different emotions filling you up right now as you knocked on his door. Drinking too much will make a person too vulnerable and make you do something you'll regret the next day.

And here you are at his doorsteps.

"Y/n?" Ten was clearly surprised because the last thing he wants was a visitor this late at night.

"Can I come in?" Ten was hesitant but he was worried that something's up so he decided to let you in. Walking past him, he smelled the alcohol all over you.

"Are you-" before he even gets to finish his question, you cut him off by saying "I still love you" which shocked him. He was confused, so confused that he became mad at you.

"Why now?" he asked "I know I don't deserve you anymore but please hear me out for the last time" you started crying in front of him.

"I'm sorry it took too long for me to realize the mistake I've done. I swear I tried coming back but Lisa was already there"

"Yes! She was there and is still there. She never gave up on me, y/n. Unlike you who made it seem so easy"

You were sobbing and Ten was just looking at you.

"I'm so sorry" you hugged him and he was doing nothing. Just letting you hug him. Ten missed you so much but this isn't right at all.

When you let go of him, you looked him straight in his eyes still crying "I missed you" you whispered. This isn't supposed to happen, you both thought but your emotions are fighting back.

Both of you know that the love is still there but for Ten, it's the love for his best friend and not for the person who broke him before.

On the other hand, all you wanted to do was kiss him again but before you could even do it, you passed out in his arms.

Waking up to familiar yet unfamiliar surroundings, you see yourself wearing a man's shirt. Realizing where you are, the events from last night flashed in your head.

You facepalmed. You swear in your life that you'll never gonna drink again.

You get up immediately to get your things. You saw Ten sleeping on his couch. I can't wake him, you tell yourself.

You just felt horrible that you're in his apartment, six hours before his wedding but thankful as well because nothing regretful happened last night. Yes, saying those words last night wasn't regretful at all for you because now you have the chance to fully move on.

Ten woke up to the sound of his alarm. Turning it off, he got up to see if you're still in his room but you already left. He sighed remembering what happened last night.

He noticed his and Lisa's wedding invitation on his table alongside a letter.

It was from you.

Dearest Ten,

I'm sorry I wasn't able to bid goodbye properly but what I'm sorry the most is the pain I've caused you. You didn't deserve it at all. The consequences I got when I lost you were enough for me to let you go and what happened last night was a part of it. Even though it wasn't my plan to get drunk and barge in like that, I'm still thankful that all is out now. I'm finally free from the burden inside me. I have decided to go back to Paris and never come back again. It's the least I can do for both of you and that means I can't attend your wedding as well. I'm just scared that everything will come back again if I see you getting married so this is the best solution. Yeri was right, I shouldn't have come in the first place but I think that was because I wanted to see you for the last time again. You were my best friend and you still are but unfortunately, everything has its ending and I'm afraid this is ours. Our history will always have a special place in my heart and I thank you so much for being a part of it. Please make a much better history with Lisa. You deserve each other and I'm glad she's the person you're gonna spend your forever with. Be happy always :)

Thank you for bringing me back home. I will always love you, Ten.

Y/n

••••••••••

The Breakup Playlist

Masterlist

[bxllafanficc]

A world without heroes

Summary: Loki is imprisoned after the sudden attack on New York and with that, rest of the earth. And while you always thought you would have your lover's back, you find yourself unable to forgive this one. It's time for you to decide when enough's enough.

Pairing: Loki Laufeyson x reader

Sidenote: This was inspired by the song "A world without heroes" from KISS. I just immediately though about a moment where reader would be thrown into a deep sea of darkness after finding out the major betrayal lingering beneath many layers of Loki Laufeyson's charismatic persona.

The cold surface of the bulletproof glass is supposed to have a large impact on your wrist as the two objects collide. It's supposed to hurt but it doesn't. The glass is meant to stand and for you to give up. You're meant to lay off and calm down; meaning, stop slamming your fist into the cell like if it was going to break if you just willed your way through.

They say that if you want something enough, you possess the power to do anything. But what do you want to such an extent? More importantly, what does he want? What did he really want? Has he ever wanted any more than a throne to sit on? Or was there something more to it? Did he even know what it really meant? And if so, did he realize the consequences of his actions; not just by the billions of lives he would have destroyed, but his family, yours and especially his own as well.

A part of you wants to believe that he was under some kind of control; that he wasn't really conscious these past days. All the lives he already stole, you want to think that if he had a choice, he would've spared them. You want to believe it all so badly. You want to throw all your common sense away and just collapse into his arms. Give him a tender kiss and gaze into his eyes with lingering warmth like you used to. To forgive and forget.

But the common sense stays where it should be. You can't. Because the past days he's been imprisoned, he's confirmed every action. He doesn't even defend anything; thinks he doesn't need to. Rock-hard believing his decision was the right one to make when he really had no right.

And your eyes are no more tender and soft; but clouded and swollen, piercing through the pair of eyes on the other side of the glass. And your mouth is not tasting the sensetion of sweet lips. Only the salty wetness of your tears pooling like mad rivers.

Your chest feels heavy and about to explode. You need to scream; feel like that's the only solution to relieve the pressure. You almost feel like you're being choked. Choked on love, choked on hope, air, trust, literally everything your life has contained so far.

And the man in front of you doesn't seem to understand how your world is seemingly falling apart before him. The pure confusion in his eyes is twisting your stomach and your feel like throwing up.

"I thought I knew you."

Your sobs has quieted down. Before, you weren't able to speak very well. You just had to wait the storm out until it came rushing back ten times worse next time.

"You do, darling. You always have."

Calm as a snake and laid back. He doesn't even seem to realize that every word spoken will matter in the following moments of actions where you will decide both your fates for him.

"Did I, really? How can you look me in the eyes and say that with your disgusting pride!" You spit at the glass; aim at his feet but it doesn't seem to faze him a tiny bit. You want to bring out a reaction from him, cause maybe then, you would get some sense of honesty out of him.

"My disgusting pride? The world we're living in is disgusting and twisted. How can you even compare midgardians brutality and greediness to Asgards prosperity and beauty?"

You don't want to hear this talk again. Only a couple of years ago, you would have ignored it as just one of his endless bitter rants and thought nothing more of it, not knowing that he was actually planning to find an end to his irritation.

"(Y/n), darling, You have agreed with me on this! We agreed that humans are short minded, only good for the cause of starting a war between their own race and assassinate each other. Their petty little lives are doomed anyway."

You can't even process the amount of irony and hypocrisy seeping through his sentences. You want to scream at him. You want to hold him. You want to cry, give him a piece of your mind. But you want to fall asleep in his arms. You miss his embrace so much. Endless tiredness since he vanished, only to find he's become a monster.

Your fists attempts to break the glass once again, aiming at his perfect eyes. Those damn eyes. The same eyes you used to adore. You still do. Torn between what you want and what you should do.

"You had no right! Who are you to choose who gets to live and who doesn't?! Why should you be any different from the humans?"

Your words are no longer contained into normal conversation. Only now, Loki seems to actually start realizing the weight behind your rage.

"I did it for us, love! For you. How am I supposed to give you everything if I'm just a mere god, son of a bastard and feared of my own people. Is that the man to give you everything? Is it?"

You don't even know where the thought process of this has sparked in his mind. Never have you asked anything unusual from him, just endless trust and honesty. You have always supported him when no one else would and when nobody wanted anything to do with him. A shoulder to cry on or an ear for venting. You've heated him up with your warmth when he was feeling cold and kissed him back to health countless of times. You used to be his. In return you only asked for trust and honesty. And the funny thing? In the end, you got none of that.

"I never wanted the world, Loki! I wanted you! Couldn't you see that you were enough?"

"Why do you care about the midgardians so much? What have they done for you? Have they given you flowers when you were sad? Have they kept you company at nights where you were haunted by nightmares? Did they do any of those? Because I recall it was me who stood by you all those years!"

Why is he suddenly so angry? It makes no sense to you. When he for once speaks from his real thoughts, anger and frustration is still the feeling behind it. Even if he got his plan to destroy earth through, it wouldn't stop his burning hate.

"You speak like they are nothing but soulless objects, pawns for you to manipulate when you feel like it!"

"They need a group of unstable mutants to protect them from dangers! A bunch of heroes that they don't even really like sometimes. The heroes gets the blame of the catastrophe happening even if they are the one fighting it! Is that a society worth fighting for? Their beloved little heroes are nothing but fools."

"Everything is worth fighting for. You don't know these people, do you? And as for the people, the heroes are a beacon of hope; a sign to stand strong and come together!"

You stand quiet for a second. Your fist lowers itself against the hard surface.

"Against people like you."

You don't want to see him anymore. Heard enough. Ready to go. You've made you decision. Because how could there ever be a change to this man? When he's been hiding his true nature behind your back for so long? Did you even know who you loved? Could you even call it love?

"Did you ever love me? Or was I just being fooled this entire time?"

Concern is now displaying on him for real. Maybe he's realize where you're going; what you're about to say.

"Why would you ask that? I love you more than anything! (Y/n), please understand this! I'd do anything for you!"

"Then tell me one single moment, just one, where you've spent time with me and thought 'I could be satisfied with this. I don't need power. I'm good with what I have'."

You heart is aching with anticipation. It's almost fatal. You don't want to know but he must realize it himself before you can finish.

And you can really see how he's trying. He's trying so hard for you, he thinks. He probably thinks he's tried doing everything for you; when he really just needed not to do anything at all. And just like you guessed, there comes no words. He knows you'll see if he's lying and knows you're right. But you don't ever think he will ever regret his attack for the right reasons. Nor for you, to get you back. No, you'll never accept that.

"I can't live like this, Loki. Can't you see you're breaking my heart?"

"I didn't mean to-"

"No. You didn't mean to do it, right? That's what you're gonna say... But I've heard enough. You have made a decision. And it's about time that I make mine as well."

The realization hits him almost instantly. And all the traces of his usually calm manner were gone in an instant. He's no longer standing with hands clasped behind his back. But they're clawing and pawning at the glass keeping the two of you apart. Loneliness is the one fatal emotion he hasn't dared himself to feel for years with you by his side. But now when it all might be taken away from him in a matter of seconds? How is he supposed to react?

He's begging, pleading, punching and screaming. Sobbing and begging even more. His silvertounge can't save him now. Nothing can save him now from the unruly fate. A path he himself had laid out beneath his feet.

"Please, (Y/n) I love you! I don't want to be here alone!"

...

"Please... It's cold and dark. I can't breathe without your warmth! Just.. Please!"

You can't stand to hear any more. His pleading is too much and you've stayed enough.

Your heart feels like it's being torn in half by your own hands as you turn around, the cold of your back hitting him in the deepest depths of his despair. And it sets him off.

You're going to leave him. The only purely good thing in his life is going to leave him. Where is he going to get his hugs? It doesn't matter because they won't be from you. Is he even going to remember your face when time has passed? Will he even remember your laugh, smile or your goofy little moments together? Will you find somebody else? Forget about him and move on.

Loki doesn't want you to move on; doesn't want you to move at all. He's ready to do whatever it takes to get you to stay.

And he would, if there wasn't a thick wall between you, keeping him from you no matter how hard he slammed it or how loudly he screamed at you.

Pleading became despair and despair led to threats; the only solution left to try.

He knew it was wrong. Wrong to threaten a loved one, especially you. But he would never accept his fate knowing that he hadn't tried anything in his power to make the only thing left for him to love slip past his hands.

But a tiny part of him knows that you won't hear him. Won't listen to him like those late summer nights under the moon on a cozy blanket, you tightly wrapped into his embrace with a content smile on your face.

Or the time when a sudden attack of sorrow and anxiety hit him in the middle of the night and you held him close to your chest while whispering sweet assurances for him to fall asleep to.

You had been his anchor to the real world.

You were the only thing to keep him sane enough.

But it wasn't enough in the end.

You had been his hero.

But not even a hero could save someone's world sometimes.

Especially when he was the one ruining it.

His love.

(Y/n)

[hwauas]

🕊️: "the lost prince" (6)

park seonghwa (박성화) - 2,269 words

the lady came into the room as soon as she got the permission. she lowered her head a little, and Seonghwa and you bowed respectfully in front of her.

     “you don't have to be this formal. and you can call me Iseul.”

she sat on a chair next to your boyfriend's bed. even her posture was showing how elegant and sophisticated she was.

“i wanted to come, because.. you know, news are spreading quite rapidly..”

     “and so, you wanted to come and see the new city's attraction?”

Seonghwa sighed as he looked down. he felt deeply hurt — yet, he didn't let her speak.

     “Seonghwa, honey, you should let her speak. don't be this rude. i know things are hard but no one would make fun of you.”

     the tension in the atmosphere seemed to have increase so abruptly. Iseul was looking down, feeling almost guilty for coming here when the reasons that brought her here wasn't the ones Seonghwa talked about.

you softly grabbed Seonghwa's hand, to try and soothe him. your thumb was stroking his hand mindlessly.

     the woman seemed to be waiting for something — and you weren't stupid: you knew she was waiting for a permission to keep going.

as you were still calming down Seonghwa, you mentioned her to keep going.

     “to be honest with you Seonghwa.. i lost my child years ago. but i know that, somewhere else in this world, he's living. i just don't know where..”

the lady was looking at Seonghwa with a kind of protection in her eyes. she was talking about a tough time of her life, yet her eyes and whole face was showing off something else than sadness.

“i understand how you may feel. i understand how hard is it to have no family. since the day i lost my child, my husband is my only family. i believe you think this beautiful person by your side is your only family now? but you have a real family, blood related, waiting for you somwhere in this world. just as i'm waiting for my baby to come back home.”

     a tear started to fall down your boyfriend's cheek, and then an another. you hated to see them. they were the physical representation of the pain he was feeling.

“how did you face the truth? there's one moment you have to accept the truth. you can't deny this for ever.”

     “there is not a right way to do it. you know you had the choice when you realise you don't have the choice anymore.”

the woman was looking at Seonghwa. you knew she was sharing the same pain as him deep down.

“if you're indeed the lost prince.. i'm sure the King and the Queen are waiting for you, and are ready to give you all their love.”

     “i don't really wanna think about that.. about being.. the lost prince.. i'm not strong enough to handle this. i just can't be a prince.”

Seonghwa suddenly held on your hand tightly.

“plus, as y/n said to me right before you came.. our worlds would be different, and i can't imagine a life without her/him anymore.”

     “oh, Seonghwa.. if you indeed are the lost prince.. why would you have to break up with her/him? that doesn't make sense. the King and the Queen would be thankful she/he was here for you throughout this tough moment of your life. and rules are less strict than you think! there is no reason they won't accept your soulmate.”

     you frowned. you studied a lot royalty, monarchy and everything which was related to this world. and it was even your speciality.

“but every books i've read, and every people i talked to about this agreed with me: there is a lack of freedom as a prince. King and Queen often rule their child's life.”

     the woman laughed. you wondered if she was in pain or something. her laugh almost sounded hypocrite and fake.

“what's written in books are not always true. things are not set for ever. they evolve through the time.”

     Seonghwa squeezed your hand softly, and rested his head on your shoulders. he whispered ‘we'll see later’ to you. you were looking down to your hands linked together. the woman was looking at you both, with the same protection she showed before.

the whole atmosphere was less tensed than before.

###

later in the day, in a different place.

     the woman was now wearing her crown again. she was stunnier than before. her hair was again tied up in the most gracefully way possible. her dress was quite simple, way different from the large dress from our clichés: white, with trompet sleeves, not that huge and with beautiful details.

she was walking through the corridors, and stopped in front of a door leading to a large living room. there were hundreds and hundreds of books on different shelfs. the room was bright because of the sun rays, and the light colours of the room.

     a man was standing in front of a window. he was wearing a crown too. no need to be smart to know he was the woman's husband. she approached him slowly.

     “each new days without our son is hurtful..”

the man said almost in a whisper. this words weren't enough to describe the pain in his heart the destiny took his son away from him, his only treasure.

     “i talked to him today. he's so beautiful.. he looks like you.”

     “you.. what?”

the man turned over to face his wife. she seemed to be happy, after 16 years of sadness.

     “you don't want to stay updated with the news because you're afraid we finf our son. you're afraid of the day we will be reunited together, because you missed him so much that you don't know how you will react. or you're afraid we may learn we've found our son, but dead. you're afraid of good and bad news. but i'm not. this little human lived inside of me for 9 months. i held his head when i had to breastfeed him. he's the only one for whom i went on my knees to tie his shoes. he's the only one i cried for when he came to the world.”

the woman wiped away few tears. she was trying to hold them back, but it was hurting even more: she needed to cry. not to mention the knot in her throat because of her tears.

“he means the world to him and, unlike you, i'm waiting for this day they would say they found him, or they have a serious trail. and today.. they said they were having a trail.”

     “what do you mean..?”

the man seemed to be too shocked to process. any information seemed to be fully understood.

     “it's been a while i didn't say 'Seonghwa'..”

     the man approached his wife, and took her shoulders. his eyes were teary. he couldn't believe what he's heard from his wife. he waited for this day for so long..

     “when i'm seriously thinking about abdicating.. stars give me my son back to take my place..”

he kissed his wife's forehead. the emotions were taking the leads, and he couldn't hold back his tears anymore.

     “so you were serious, in this letter..”

     “you found it?”

the king sighed. he starred to walk around, aimlessly, and stopped again in front of the window.

“the waiting is so hard for me. it consumed all my energy. and i'm getting old.. i don't want the country to see me getting old, and i'm not living in my time to take decision. i wanted to wait for fleur-de-lis to come back before making this letter public. the country needs him as a king now. and a new queen.”

     “i'm not sure he's ready for that.. and his girlfriend/boyfriend either.”

she sat on a sofa, looking at his husband's shapes.

     “his what?”

     “hey, understand him. understand them. he has no idea he's a prince. and even though she/he believes Seonghwa is the prince, just as the policemen in charge of the case, Seonghwa doesn't want to hear this possibility. he just followed his heart by dating her/him. he wasn't doing anything else because he has no idea of the rules.”

the woman was strongly protecting your relationship with his son. she would let her body and her soul to protect you both in front of the king, because one thing she concluded about the meeting is that you were both in love and none of you was ready to face this.

“they're of course not ready to hear the truth one moment or another. they're afraid their worlds would be different and they would have to break up.”

     “that's true! they have to break up! it's not the rules, and he has to marry a real princess, not a peasant!"

     “first, because she/he comes from an another background doesn't mean she/he is a peasant. you better take this back, Park Junghoon. then, you can't break them apart. you know he still can lives by his someone's sides, even though their worlds are different. and finally, if you go against them, i doubt you would have a heir. do you wanna stay there until you die so i take the leads instead because you don't have a heir — or should i say because you refused to let him live his love story for shitty rules? do you wanna be the king until your last breath? do you want your country to see you getting old, and to see you die? do you want your only son to be mad at you because you imposed him your rules when the only thing he was asking for was to be reunited again with his family by his girlfriend's/boyfriend's sides?”

she was speaking firmly to be sure his husband would understand. but honestly, it wasn't the first time they were arguing. since someone took their son away from them, their relationship got even more fragile days after days.

“no, you don't. so if you wanna make this letter public, you better accept her/him when he'll be back. or else, you would definitely lose him. and me this time. no queen anymore, no prince as future king, no daughter-in-law/son-in-law anymore to be a future queen/king. you'd be alone and you'd have to stay there until the end.”

the queen stood up from her sofa, and started to walk away.

“take this as a way to thank him/her. because since the very first day they met each other until now, she/he never let Seonghwa down. and for the moment, Seonghwa has no one else. without this person by his side, i don't even think he would still be alive..”

she opened the door. but before leaving, she stopped to add one last thing.

“your daughter-in-law/son-in-law, if you accept it, is Choi y/n.”

     the woman left the room. the king was speechless — he knew his wife was right. he couldn't take you away from Seonghwa. impossible.

###

    after the woman left Seonghwa's room, you gave your boyfriend his clothes to be comfortable in his own clothes rather than in the hospital's clothes. and you even changed yourself in more comfortable clothes.

Seonghwa ate the meal tray normally, and the nurse even did her best to get you one to eat with him. it wasn't the best food you've ever eaten, yet it was enough for you.

     and after this moment with him, eating and talking about everything and anything, you both layed down in each other's arms. you were looking through the window, at the starry night.

     “a clear night like that.. it reminds me of our prom date.”

you were almost daydreaming, thinking about this night.

     “it was literally two days ago.”

Seonghwa gently mocked you. he was looking at your sparkling eyes with a bright smile.

     “prince of my heart, don't make fun of me.”

     “the only kingdom i wanna rule.”

Seonghwa giggled as he pulled you closer to his chest. he even kissed your forehead multiple times.

“i really don't want to be the prince. i hope my family is somewhere else..”

     “if we forget about the fact that would mean having a statute.. i just wish you find your family. them or not, i don't care. i want to thank your real mom for giving birth to you.”

you wrapped both your arms around your boyfriend's waist. you also rested your head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.

     “i'm afraid to meet my parents, to be honest.. i don't know how things will be going.”

     “i understand the unknown may scare you. but you can't avoid this for ever. it's hurting you, you know that. and it's hurting them. you'll get to know the truth about what happened. there's a lot to win by finding them, and meeting them.”

     Seonghwa only nodded. he was now the one looking at the dark sky while you were half asleep against his chest, under the blanket. the stars and the mood was lightening up perfectly the room, without making it too bright. it didn't take you too much time to fall into a light sleep.

     “i'm so afraid y/n... i don't wanna lose you by meeting them.. you said the truth thinking about me but.. i'm ready to give up on my family for you..”

he kissed your forehead as he held you tighter. he was looking at you sleeping, and quickly fell asleep too.

[artsyxloner]

Not Just a Monster

Warning: angst

26: Suspicious Ui-Myeong

Not Soo-Nico P.O.V

I can not believe what just happened, I blinked away a few tears that slid down my cheeks. I understood why he was mad at me, the way my hand was jerked away by his.

His words are filled with so much disappointment how I lied to him. It wasn't intentional I didn't want him to get hurt. I did it for me and everyone's good. But I guess a thing like this isn't worth keeping a secret over.

It just hurts people in the end. People I care about.

I balled up my fist, my heart and stomach were in knots. My brain was saying go to him but my heart said to give him time. But I wasn't sure I had the time?

I should have just told everyone sooner yeah they would have probably locked me up with Hyun-Su. But it would have been worth it, we could and connected more I could have helped him more.

LOVED him a lot sooner. Maybe it was probably too early for that? I wasn't going to push the feeling aside and say no don't think like that. I wanted to embrace it.

Because like I said I don't have time for Hyun-Su to come to me I had to make time. I had to straighten things out before I lose him. Because when people usually say.

There's nothing, I want to hear from you right now.

Means don't want to hear from you at all. And that guy Hyun-Su was with I had a bad feeling about him. Why would he even try and protect that guy knowing just what happened?

Yeah, he may be like us but we didn't kill just because we wanted to. We didn't invade others and kill and take. I didn't trust him. He was planting something in Hyun-Su's head I was sure of it.

Why else would he have a change in heart when he came down here questioning everyone? They may haven't been the best group but they were scared everyone was.

Feeling my feet turn I was going to talk to Hyun-Su. Even if he didn't what to talk he was going to hear me out and listen. I may not remember my past and some parts here it felt like a big hole in my heart. I wanted to remember what happened to my family.

Because it was all one big missing piece that needed to be solved. I picked up my Pace knowing where he was. Were we had the first conversation that led to more and it led to me almost kissing him.

I LOVED HYUN-SU.

Tears were falling more now. As I ran nearing the Quarantine room I stopped in my tracks. There stood the guy Hyun-Su was with. He was looking through the window.

I caught a glare in his eyes, he was looking at him. Veering my head around Hyun-Su was standing by the column a sad expression was placed on his face. I knew it was because of Sun-Young.

" look at him sulking over her." the boy mumbled underneath his breath. I raised an eyebrow. " you have no right to say that!" I blurted out not caring. But he didn't seem bothered.

"you're right I don't but it's just wrong."

" what's wrong?"

Where was this guy headed? He still kept his eyes on the glass window. I waited a minute for his answer. " a human, crying over a human." it was like venom dripping off of the word human as if it was Poisonous to say.

" Just because he's what he is and what we are doesn't mean we are anymore than them. We were once the same."

It's not wrong for us to cry because we still have emotions we still feel we still have that part inside that makes us human, monster or not.

He began to clap his hands walking over towards me. "Well said, maybe your right but that won't change anything there still going to be scared of us, and when they're scared they do anything to survive. So we are the ones that have to strike first."

His eyes turned black, I backed away not sure why because mine does the same but he's had a more sinister appeal to them. " if you do that, then that will show them we are what they think of us?"

I tried to persuade him, not all humans were bad. " well I know who's side you're on... you should rethink your Decision. Think about Hyun-Su."

He then motioned towards the window, Hyun-Su was coming. I guess I would have to get him alone and speak to him later without this guy getting in the way.

" Just to be clear, I don't trust you!"

Was the last thing I said before I left. I knew he was planning something I had to get to Eun-Hyuk and warn him about this. It wasn't long before I found him I walked in through the door.

Crossing my arms, he looked up from the desk. " you hear about that boy aren't you?" I quickly nodded, " yeah he's planning something, I know he's going to try to get Hyun-Su to turn on us."

" I know, but Hyun-Su Cooperative, for now, we just need to keep an eye on them." Sighing I took a seat. I noticed Eun-Hyuk got up from the desk. Pulling out that read piece of paper.

" l know you are probably concerned about this." He handed it to me, I took it. Knowing what it already said. " what are you going to do?" I questioned, " I'm not going to lie, it's tempting. It's a very good deal."

I swallowed some of my salivae, as I gripped the paper. " so? are we going to get called out?" I asked hoping this wasn't leading to that. " I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I was." This made me calm down a bit.

But I had to ask, " do you believe it though?" The question swirled around in my mind. He shook his head, " safety camp sounds ridiculous, you don't know who will turn. I mean we just found out about you so who knows they might his it as well. So how can they possibly ensure safety? No offense." I shrugged it off.

He was right if they did go to the camp there could be others like me trying to hide it. No one knows for sure that they will be safe. " when someone promises something and it's nearly impossible to keep... there's a good chance it will end up being a lie."

" so what now?"

" I'm going's to go talk to Hyun-Su." Eun-Hyuk crumbled up the paper and got up leaving. Hopefully, he'll be able to talk some sense into him. So it will help me explain to myself he's not all mad. Let's just hope he'll listen.

It was not long afterward I heard Hyun-Su arguing with him. He wouldn't listen. " I'm not a dog; go find someone else to pick up your shit!" He cursed. I frowned my brows knowing That one boy has gotten into his head. I couldn't take this.

Getting up I left the room. I stood in front of the two. Hyun-Su saw me. " why don't you get her to do it seems like she one of you guys now!"

I was taken back, " Hyun-Su?!" I tried to talk to him again but he interrupted me. " what, You going to lie to me some more?!" I shook my head, he had it all wrong. " No, of course not just... just please let me explain!"

" why should I?" He stepped forward, questioning why I should. " because I had a reason for not telling you but I see now it was a huge mistake for not saying anything." I took a step towards him.

I may not remember the whole reason but one of them was being afraid they would treat me the same as Hyun-Su even though they did already to a certain extent.

" Then... what was the reason?"

I could see his eyes Turing black, " well first off, I don't know the whole reason-" but I was stopped. " you don't know your reason why you didn't say anything?"

This made me sound like I was crazy. I pinched the bridge of my nose. I had to word this carefully. " it's Complicated when I woke up—" I was soon Interrupted again.

"What does this have to do with the reason?!" I could see his eyes turning black he was getting fed up. " if you just listen and let me tell you—you'll know!" I argued back but Hyun-Su shook his head.

" I'm done, Just... just don't talk to me again." He gazed down at the floor. what did he mean? Was he done with me? Us? or everyone in the group? He was about to step out but I couldn't lose him I was going to tell him even if he did reject it he needed to know.

I grabbed his hand, mine was shaking a bit. But I held onto myself tightly. He halted starting down at our Intertwined hands. It was hard to say this biting the inside of my bottom lip I sighed.

" I love you."

Everyone was quiet after that. I wondered if I didn't say it loud enough. But noticing Hyun-Su's mouth gaped open meant he was at a loss for words. It was awkward as I felt my face go hot.

" what?"

That was the only thing he said maybe he didn't understand or he did and was so shocked. " I wanted to tell you this earlier but someone got in the way." As soon as I said this that one boy came into the room through the metal door.

" who got in the way?"

He walked over towards us sitting down on the one black chair that was in the corner. He took off his hood. " oh, I know sorry if I got in the way my apologies." He smiled I just rolled my eyes.

" why don't you just leave, you are just making things worse." I confronted him but I soon felt a strong hand on my shoulder. " Soo-Nico that's enough!" It was Hyun-Su. I couldn't believe him. " you're going to take up for him? When You hardly know this guy!"

It was true they barely knew each other and he's Siding with this psycho. This guy has Hyun-Su wrapped around his sneaky little finger. " do I even know you? Do you love me or is that just a big lie too?" I was taken back at his comment. " Hyun-Su... that's not fair!"

I had tears in my eyes now, " It seems pretty fair to me." he crossed his arms. " what are you saying?" I knew he was hinting at something. His eyes shifted from mine avoiding my gaze. They were hard but softened a bit.

With his hand still on my shoulder, I grabbed it, it was all warm. " —I don't think I can return your feelings anymore." his hand dropped from mine. I could tell in some parts of his voice it sounded like he forced himself to say this but I could hardly tell.

I knew this would probably happen I was wanting to be prepared for rejection but you never are. I could feel my heartbreak. My chest swelled up as I tried to keep my tears from falling. He didn't LOVE me back?

I was quiet now. I didn't know how to respond. I never liked someone this much before him and the group was all I have. And now I feel like it's all crumbling down. I had to get out of here. " fine, but just so you know I wasn't meaning to hurt you."

I felt a tear slip down my cheek as my back was facing him leaving the room. Maybe I should just leave and forget everything and start over. It just seems like all I bring is trouble.

Lowering my head I made a plan to leave tonight. There was nothing left for me here anymore anyway.

@xetherealbeautyx

[familiaanteomnia]

for the lgbt+ ask game, please answer the odd numbers as the mun. (although, i think i know your answers for some of those questions.)

*Warning: This is going to be potentionally triggering, etc with talk of unsupporting family and stuff.* 

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?: Trans Male, he/him or Lurching Thing *tm* Take it this implies orientation too so- gay, asexual. (But I appreciate that girls can kick my ass, and are pretty) Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?: I don’t like go anywhere, and interact with people. At most my family basically often, daily. This one obnoxoxious boy in public who was all ‘oh yeah that’s a girl obviously’. Do have plenty of confusing people and them being like ‘so that’s uh- you person there’. Or getting gendered correctly. Supposedly I pass more than I give myself credit for. 

Which like before I even had fully accepted myself confused a doctor once. Waiting around and it was like ‘hey uh- could you please move, kid’. I mean even when I was presenting as my birth gender once had kids mistake me for a college age guy so -shrug-. 

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?: Terrible, still is with family and coming out’s never finished. 1st time, family. I’ll share that cause it’s the real crux of things. Worst than the horror scenarios I’d pictured.

I hadn’t slept much in weeks, hands trembling with an urge to self harm because I’d given it up around then. Out of town, visiting family. Shit storm. A phone call outside in a meltdown, false hope because it sounds like I might be tolerated. Two day stomach flu. Car ride to meet halfway for lunch before going home days later with my mother. Rock hitting the window shield, cracking it making me wish it broke. 

Growing dread. Immense guilt that I can’t even look at the driver of the car. My mother wouldn’t even look at me, babbling to try being even seen as her child in the slightest. Dead silence. Going home. The start of yelling, fighting, being a mistake. Cut off from all internet access. Even when things died down I’d do something wrong and it would be twisted against me. I’ve been yelled at in public for it. Talked behind my back, while present. Crap situations in a doctors office, etc. Thankfully they were more chill. 

Like I’m more out than I was but it’s still like ‘hush hush’. Partly because I always bail out of telling people off. Because I just wanted my family, I just want the people I care for to even slightly respect me. To actually talk to me, not about me behind my back/to each other while I’m sitting there instead of directly saying “How are you” or small talk. I love them- I’ve hurt myself emotionally, sacrificed so much but they can’t even try to see me as even just a person.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?: I mean I get no questions/don’t interact with people much but I hate the ‘top, or bottom’ crap specially from females in gross excess. Like when somebody hcs a character trans but then it’s just that, s*x and ‘top or bottom’Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?: m/alec, m.agnus chase/alex f.ierro, klaus/dave, and like I have so many more. Not all of them have ship names, or are coming to mind right now though.Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?: Yes. I also have other body image issues. It makes me hate taking or being in pictures. Makes me hate leaving the house. Being around people. It’s literally like those scales where it’s like ‘get help if you’re at level 10 and it super impacts your life’. And I’m on like 15 constantly. I have literal clothes where it’s like ‘after top sugery’ ‘when I’m skinnier-’ and then it’s ‘which of the two shirts’ ‘these jeans, oh but they’re kind of no thanks’. Always wearing boots when I have cute sneakers,etc. 

I don’t wear eyeliner like I used to. Yet I like bought some a while back like ‘oh these colors are pretty’ it’s just sat. Don’t use chapstick sometimes despite owning it, chapped lips at times. Constantly end up screwing my eyes shut while changing, random breakdowns like ‘I have the wrong shape nails’. Safe to say as a result it’s like really messed up. Supposedly I’m an attractive person energy wise,etc but yet I’m like ‘uhhh ew I look terrible’ and compliments feel fake especially if the person has never seen me. -shrug-What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?: Honestly? Like those who sometimes are just like ‘hey I get it’. Or appreciate dumb poetry I share,etc. The people who sometimes are like ‘hey I’ve got your back’. Or accept me as a person, labels aside. Those who I came across that have spoken about their situations with my childhood church/spoken out. Published books. Made a whole album of it. One of them who was like the og in a way messaged me once like ‘hey it’ll be okay’. So I’d say the good people, good parts- who actually fight for each other,etc. Instead of playing gate keeper,etc.Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?: Nope, it’s like a few hours and I’m always broke/no way I’d be like ‘hey family member spend some gas, cash take me to pride’. Plus I know nobody irl so I’d be alone big time. Also my local one seems big on the ‘partying, drinking’ events etc. Plus you have to like pay? Then like parade wise I can’t bind for that immense amount of time there, during (in the hot sun), and back. Or walk/march cause uh my legs be dumb sometimes/asthma. I want to go to an event or parade sometime, someday though. Though I’m like ‘okay but I’d like to flags? Perhaps socialize? Kiss a cute boy?’ so *frustrated noises*. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?: Not really cause I guess my middle school nonsense (not even dating but trying to be ‘normal’) doesn’t count. But like also that’s fine. I attract toxic people. So like I’d rather wait try patiently waiting for somebody good to come my way. Who can accept all of  me and will know it’ll be rough but I’ll also be like ‘hey let’s go get doughnuts late at night and go to a park, snuggle under a tree’. Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?: Not really, not yet. Have had some memorable encounters. Been scared shitless once that I was about to get assaulted in a public library. But then again that might be the people’s attitude around here which is mostly ‘hush hush’ fake niceness,etc. Bound to happen though. Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?: Don’t really have any? I mean the whole tag more or less, of some of the religious lgbt+ peeps who know the church I was raised in. I watch quite a few trans youtubers though, not all of them are exactly wildly known. Other than that -shrug-. 

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?: Never- honestly doesn’t appeal much to me either like history sure. Something people can do- hell yeah. Personally drinking wouldn’t be healthy for me *not of age currently anyways*. And drag shows usually are at such events- crowds, people. Just not sure I’d last even 20 seconds to have fun or anything. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?: Not sure, bio kids are a solid no for reasons. But otherwise- I like babysitting, kids adore me for some odd reason. So like say I date or fall for somebody who has a kid or is on good terms with family/loves babysitting. I’d be totally happy babysitting or hanging around with said person and their child. Things like adopting though? Good option yet I’d not think it over too much till it’s a conversation/have a person and its stable. (Plus like trauma,etc is a thing that makes it loaded as well)What do you think of gender roles in relationships?: If it’s their thing- sure. But the gross gender roles? I’ll scowl at. Like honestly especially if it’s straight people,etc like ‘well whose the tougher one’ etc. Or praising abuse like ‘the guy can’t hang out with other girls uwu, I have access to his phone all the time- we’re joined at the hip all the time’. For anybody. Like people need breathing room? And are an individual even if in a couple. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?: Uhhh ‘it gets better’ isn’t always comforting cause sometimes it does take years. To work through things. Work things out. That sometimes it takes conversation, time and immediate rejection isn’t always how it’ll be. But you should also put yourself first, not be like ‘oh I can’t work on getting hormones because I want my family to adjust, etc’. Idk. 

[carolinedionecd]

"What !? No - No"

Sterling palmed her face in shock.

"Mom? What's she talking about?"

Blair is directly looking at Debbie, with brows arched as a sign of confusion. She knew she'll never get an answer from Debbie so she looked at her dad.

"Dad?"

She opened her arms as a signal to Anders that she's waiting for an answer. Anderson bit his lip, took a big sigh and looked at Debbie, who's still crying while pointing her shotgun directly at Dana.

"Hello !? I'm shot !?"

Everyone looked at the man who's lying on the floor, Dana's shitty boyfriend. Bowser pointed his gun at the guy, cuffed then took him.

"Dad?"

Blair is still waiting for an answer, that she knows she's not gonna get, for now.

"Sterling come here!"

Blair took Sterling's wrist then took her to Bowser's car.

"Blair II - alkdjadniw"

Sterling's blabbering, because she's still in shock. Blair closed the backseat door where they're sitting.

"Listen to me, Sterl. We will always be sisters. Twin sisters. You just came out of our mom's twin sister. See? We're still twins"

Sterling looked at Blair who's waiting for her to speak.

"Y-yeah. Yeah. I could - I could deal with that."

Sterling can't cry. She's overwhelmed with emotions and shock and questions. They both looked out of the window when the police arrived. Dana is being put in jail.

Debbie, Anders, and Bowser are talking when the police left.

"Holy shit! They're gonna know that Bowser is a bounty hunter!"

Blair is now in a panic.

"W-what? Why? How?"

Sterling is still confused, her mind is far away from wherever they are.

"Shit they looked at us! Hide!"

They both ducked.

"Wait, why are we hiding?"

Sterling still full of confusion but she follows what Blair is doing because Blair is the only one that makes sense to her now.

"I - I - why are you hiding?"

Blair asked her back. Suddenly, the driver's seat door opened.

"Girls. I will get you home now. Okay?"

They sighed in relief when they heard Bowser's voice so they sat back on their seats.

"Did you tell them about bounty hunting? Did you tell them that we're on your team?"

Bowser rolled his eyes at Blair's question.

"First, I did not tell them that I am a bounty hunter. Second, they will never know you're on my team."

The twins took a big sigh. Blair is relieved that their cover isn't blown, as if a spy dodged a bullet. Sterling, took a big sigh because now that her mom is actually her aunt, she's seeing the family that she grew up in, in a totally different way.

"Third,"

Bowser broke the silence that made the two look at him.

"Are you okay baby girl?"

He's looking directly at Sterling. Blair looked at Sterling, waiting for her to answer Bowsie.

"Yeah, I guess so."

She looked down on her hand and tried to play with her nails.

"You know what? You don't even look like her. You look more like mom. Our mom. You're her favorite and I'm sure she loves you so much--," Blair's eyebrows crossed again. "--more than she loves me."

Confused with her own sentence, she shrugged it off, like she's telling herself that that's not the point.

"Do you remember in third grade, she told us she's gonna make us a ham sandwich for lunch, and then you got the ham sandwich and I got the peanut butter sandwich !?"

Sterling laughed when she remembered how angry Blair was when they got home and told their mom.

"Do you remember what she said?"

Asked Blair.

"Yeah. You told her, 'where was my ham sandwich !?'"

The two laughed because Sterling made an impression of Blair's third-grade-angry-face.

"Yeah! And she was like, 'Blair, you should learn to give to others especially your sister. I love you both so much but a responsible older sister should always take care of her younger sister.'"

They looked at each other.

"Yeah. That was fair."

Sterling finally agreed.

"She always put you first over me. Always has and always has been. But, works for me. Less attention, less expectation. It's enough for me to know they love me, they love us. But so you know, you have to take care of your kidney because I am not going to donate it. I want to die with my organs complete and intact. "

Bowser, silently listening to them shakes his head in awe.

"I should really stay hydrated."

Hydrated. Shoot. The water bottle. Lock-in meeting. April.

"Bye, Sterl."

Once again, Sterling took a big sigh. Her heart is crumbling like paper. Now her tears are starting to run down but she tried to hide them and wipe them away using her forehand.

"Oh my God!"

She looked at Blair when she heard her scream.

"What?"

Blair looked back at Sterling with tears in her eyes. With a wide freaking smile.

"It's Miles! He wants to talk!"

Blair happily hugged Sterl. The latter is so happy for her sister.

"Holy crap. We're gonna makeup, we'll be together again! Oh, sweet Jesus! I miss his smell!"

Sterling, can't help but miss April.

Her lips.

Her smile.

Her kiss.

Her smell.

Her skin.

"Honey"

Debbie hugged Sterling so tight. She knows Sterling is in shock but she's scared to let Sterling think negative thoughts and doubt herself.

"M-Can I still call you mom?"

Asked Sterling while they're hugging each other.

"Oh, sweetheart. I am your mom. No one else could be your mom. Okay? And you, are Sterling. You are our daughter. You are sisters - twin sisters."

Debbie softly touched their chins while smiling.

"See? I told you we're still sisters and twins."

Blair happily told Sterling. She smiled so wide. She's never been this happy to be a part of this family.

"I can't even imagine my life without you. I mean, who's gonna let me borrow a bra and never return it and doesn't get mad?"

Sterling laughed again. Anders and Debbie hugged the twins. They looked at each other with a genuine smile. Their hands intertwined with each other. Anders kissed Debbie on her forehead with a sigh of relief because the husband and the wife know that this night just made their family ties stronger than ever.

"Okay, can we please face the fact that you guys still didn't answer my questions last night?"

Typical Blair, asking questions and gets paranoid when they're not being answered.

"Okay, honey. First of all, we are having breakfast. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about that this time."

Blair's brows arched once again because of disbelief.

"A-actually, mom--" Sterling slightly smiled then reached for her nape. "--I want to know. I think I deserve that."

Debbie silently put down her tea, took the napkin out of her lap, and damped it on her lips before saying anything. Anders reached for Debbie's hand that is resting on her lap, which made her look at Anders. She took a big sigh.

"Okay, I'm going to make it short and precise."

Sterling and Blair are waiting for the answers while Anders enjoys himself chewing his food, but it is making an annoying sound. The three girls looked at him.

"What? I'm just eating my food."

Debbie rolled her eyes. The twins looked back at Debbie.

"Dana showed in our old house carrying you. Blair was just a month old. She told me she can't take care of you so she wanted me to take care of you as my own. Dana was a mess. I mean, she still is. But I don't know who your father is. That's it. "

Sterling isn't bothered anymore. She's a Wesley and will always be a Wesley.

"Are you going home right after school?"

Asked Blair while she's driving to school. Sterling's mind is still in the wind.

"Y-yeah. I guess. I don't have much to do."

Blair looked at Sterling with worry.

"It's gonna be okay. I know it's hard for you to walk around and see her in every corner but you have to be strong."

Sterling looked at Blair.

"Yeah. I just have to be strong."

Blair looked at her again, not convinced by how Sterling said those words.

"Or you can pretend you hate her again until it comes true."

Sterling looked at her.

"II-can't do that."

Sterling looked in the side-view mirror when she saw that they're approaching the parking lot.

"Just pretend. Okay? Act tough and doesn't care about her."

The last piece of advice from Blair before they step out of the car. "By the way, you have to take an uber later. I'm gonna meet with Miles. It's our make-up date. Or probably make-up-then-make-out-date."

Sterl just nodded to Blair.

"Incoming."

She whispered to Sterling as she saw April approaching them. Sterling's heart is pounding just the thought of hearing April's voice. She's directly looking at April while walking and is ready to stop whenever April greets her but to her dismay, April didn't greet her, or even called her name, or even took a glimpse of her.

Sterling stopped and turned around, chasing April's back by staring at her.

"Hey, Luke!"

Sterling turned her back before she sees the flirting that is about to happen.

"How is she doing that? I mean, that would be so hard for a gay woman to flirt with someone who's not even on her menu."

Whispered Blair to Sterling while walking towards the entrance.

"Shhhh someone might hear you."

Sterling dropped her bag then turned her face down the table. She kept taking deep breaths, assuming it would heal her aching heart.

"I told you to save me a seat beside you"

She heard the voice she's longing to hear, but she kept her cool and decided to only move when the bell rang.

"I'm sorry, Hannah B is already here when I came in. I wouldn't wanna sit beside--"

Ezequiel looked down at sleeping Sterling. April doesn't even need to turn her back to know who that girl is because even her peripheral vision can recognize her instantly. But for the sake of pretending, she looked around and rolled her eyes.

"Fine."

~~

Hey guys I didn't know that tumblr has a limit. So I cant post the whole chapter. If you'd like to continue reading you can go to my wattpad account. Here's the link.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/251725935?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=BlueWhaaale&wp_originator=ayB6mhaua0htPKGYUuBaMBOLTreql97Gtq2XrCSLeglsobjcXhwlj7feIgshPrYg37%2F%2FSPEokHRINccn6JFN1sjV4x%2BZ8bgbF1HtvWBwBfwTOpRpdINWFkLBcro73h7g

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 43 - watching notes

The sun is setting on this show for me and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet 😔

(As if I will! Ha. Imma blog about nothing else the next ... probably years)

Last time on Sophie watches the untamed: We're still in the restricted section. The twin love-struck idiots of lan and wwx found the Collection of turmoil and suspect Jin Guangyao of intentionally bringing about Nie Mingjue's qui deviation.

As much as I love the "hihi. Wwx is wearing his boyfriend's underrobe" aspect of this, I also like the visual incorporation of lwj's colour scheme into wwx's clothes. (Not just through the undertone, his black tone also has slight grey seam.) It's as if now that they are finally fully committed to each other, wwx is displaying it for all the world to see

Jin Guangyao tore out a page to hide the evidence. That's not how to do that!!!

My heart is breaking for Lan Xichen. He looks like a man standing on a train track and watching the light speed towards him in horror while he's unable to move away

Feels like exactly no one on this show is getting their happy ending

*thinks about yi city and cries forever*😭😭😭

"Wangji, Jin Guangyao,in my eyes, is a totally different person from how you and other people see him." And we all know that lwj knows exactly what that's like

PARALLELS! 😭

(Sorry, I have a thing for those)

And lwj looks so pained

Thinking about it, it's now the man lwj loves against the man lxc loves (in whatever way. I still ship them. Not sure if its "canonically" romantic though). They can't both be right, so ... one of them is going to get their heart broken

Great, first the Yunmeng brothers, now the lan brothers are breaking my heart 🥺

Lwj says he's visiting "Grand Master", that's Lan Qiren right? What happened to him anyway? Haven't seen him in ages

I love how, even though it is wwx's word against jgy's right now, lan Xichen is still genuinely kind towards wwx

The whipping scars! I hadn't even thought about those anymore 😳

I'm probably going to get my heart ripped out soon, but before that

"You are not qualified to talk to me."

Sickest. Burn. Ever.

Also, no disrespect to the actor, but that's a backpfeifengesicht if I've ever seen one

(Backpfeifengesicht: "German compound word for a 'face that should be slapped'. Ex:. When GWB smirks on TV, my German friend Uwe tells me that he sees a 'Backpfeifengesicht'." Urban dictionary)

He went to burial mount after wwx was killed??? 🥺🥺🥺

I've noticed something with lwj. When he's distressed, he won't look people in the eye or not even at their faces, just in their very general direction. To me it seems like he almost... can't? Any thoughts on that? Cause I'm intrigued but I can't think about it too much right now cause I'm already writing half an essay in this commentary again 😅

Oh fuck YOU Jiggy!!!

Holy shit ... holy shit

Lan Wangji 🥺🥺🥺

He fought against everyone?

This is how he showed his grieve???

He went to the place wei Wuxian had called home and ... what? Protected or ot so they wouldn't desecrate it? To search for him? To ... what?

Oh god, Wangji! 😭

That image... I'm speechless. It's so powerful

He's half-mad with grieve and kneeling in the ruins of his dead loves home, having fought himself to exhaustion and I'm... not okay 😭😭😭

He had to repent for THREE YEARS??

Oh no, you don't

Holy ...

Holy shit

How can my heart break and be so full at the same time 💔🥺

Lan Wangji ... my love

I'm ... so proud of him and yet so sad

Here he is at his lowest, finally standing up to the orthodoxy he knows to be wrong

This is inhumane 😳

The corporal punishment of the lan sect always was but THIS

Fuck them

Or Lan Qiren specifically

That's his nephew. How can he even look at himself?

"Eradicate evil. Establish laws. Than goodness will be everlasting."

IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!!!

WHAT EVEN IS "GOODNESS"? WHOSE VERSION OF GOODNESS? DEVINE EVIL! HOW FAR REACHING INTO THE PRIVATE SVERE SHOULD THUSE LAWS BE? DOES IT STOP AT "DON'T STEAL FROM PEOPLE OR AT "DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE AT DINNER"?

what I'm saying is: there are about 200 ethical question ls being raised by this rule alone!

And now lan Wangji had 3 tears to contemplate them

Wwx asking "why would he bother ...?" BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!

Ohhh! We're getting their parents' story 😱

Oh this IS a Lan episode 💙

So another Lan falling quickly and never looking back?

I'm sensing a pattern here 🤨

Wait what?

Let me get this straight:

Their father loved a woman who DID NOT love him back and then killed one of his teachers

(And I hope we find out why. That sounds like there is a REALLY interesting story there)

Then he takes her to cloud recess and DESPIT HER NOT LOVING HIM, marries her, fathers two children with her (um... how voluntary was that????) locks her up (as punishment for the murder?) then locks HIMSELF up and then fucks of and leaves his children with their uncle

What kind of disaster human being was their dad????

Did he do the right thing WHEN HE MARRIED AND PROBABLY RAPED A WOMAN WHO DIDN'T LOVE HIM???

NO!!!

The fuck kinda question is that ??

If you have to marry her against her will and then lock her up, guess what? That's not love, that's wanting to possess someone

I hope that maybe the connotation is different in the og Chinese,but I'm not holding out much hope

That explains why Qiren is such a lovely character through 😒

But god, my heart breaks for lwj and lxc :'(

Little Lan Wangji!!! 🥺🥺🥺

Oh darling ...

Oh no ...

Look at him look at his crooked little headband😭😭😭

He went there every month!!!

Oh Wangji 💔💔

Stubborn, steadfast, loving Wangji!

That seals it. I KNEW why he was my favourite character

He isn't so passive all the time, because he feels too little! He feels entirely too much!!! 😭😭😭

And that explains why lwj was so worried about wwx's demonic cultivation harming him!!! 😭

Oh god, it was such an old hurt for him. I had no idea 🥺🥺🥺

All of these characters need a therapist

Lxc playing the flute to what ... deal with his emotions? Express his grieve? Remeber their mother? (And god, do I want to know more about her!!) Either way, It's making me tear up 😥

"It's so difficult to determine others personalities depending on our perspective." Welcome to the human condition, my friend 💙

And that's love

I ... wish I could show you my face right now

I'm smiling through tears right now

It's so utterly beautiful

He looks so vulnerable here! With his hair (almost) down

And given what we've just learned, that's remarkable!!!

He closed himself off became the immovable stone-faced second Jade of Lan and yet, somehow, wwx wormed his way into his heart and sure, both of them needed to overcome a lot, but here they are, vulnerable and open,not letting their parent's fate decide theirs

I'm... *sniff*

I can never get enough of lwj with his hair like this!!

It's so domestic, so soft

And look at his face! 😭

And mister "alcohol is prohibited" is now serving it 😭

Oh my god this scene is so beautiful

I'm speechless

Was the second flute Jin Guangyao as well?

At this point I'm just expecting more plot-twists

He looks so young! 🥺

Both of them are exhibiting so much growth in this episode!! Wwx realising that the fact that the cultivation world had always looked for a scapegoat and that he himself was just the most convenient target, that it's not to any personal failing of his, that's HUGE!

And I'm so proud of him :')

Lwj starting to play in the distance :')

This is so utterly peaceful

My heart is bursting 😭😭😭

The music, the scenery ...

Also, both thinking they have a clean conscious!!! 😭😭😭

Again, it's them holding the same morals that's important! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!

(But wwx still cannot drink like a normal person :D)

The contrast to lxc sitting alone couldn't be starker 😔

Wait, why are there puppets at burial mounds again?

Are we going back to burial mounds? I'm weirdly excited 😅

Aaand Jin Guangyao just proved to them that he's lying. Poor Xichen

Yup, I'm pretty sure his heart just snapped in half

Little Apple!!! I've missed him 😁

Gosh, they're laying it on thick with the domestic husband bliss this episode and I'm here for it.

I love lwj's soft smile when he looks at bunnies so much!! 🥰

Bunnies, bunnies everywhere

It's the invasion of the bunnies

Who ever is the show runner *banging pots and pans together* IT'S GAY!! cab you all hear me? These two love each other! It's G - A - Y!!! Gay!!!

Probably

Lwj's shocked look when wwx says that he's not popular with little animals, as if to say "how dare they!" :D

Holy shit ... HOW MANY SCENES CAN THEY INCLUDE IN THIS EPISODE THAT MAKE THEM LOOK SO GODDAMN MARRIED???

Is wwx sitting side saddle?

Wwx plays wangxian :')

He finally remembers how lwj recognized him :')

Sneaky, show, very sneaky :D

Wwx about to casually steal some melons, lwj *wordlessly takes out money* ^^

MIANMIAN!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

I'd given up hope that we'd see her again!!!

I'm so happy I could burst!!!

Lwj's little exasperated head-shake before he stands up from crouching behind some hay 😂

Aww, look at her family! 😍😍😍

She build her own live :')

And look at this badass woman protecting the ones she loves!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WEI WUXIAN??? You don't remember her???

You better remember my wife!!!

Aaand another freeze frame. But I'm willing to forgive it because THIS EPISODE WAS SO GODDAMN BRILLIANT!

It made me realise why I was so drawn to lan Wangji as a character. Of course he is mu favourite character! He ticks every single box

Let me explain. My favourite characters almost always share the following characteristics: seems either cold and distant or ethereal and aloof, as if they are above such puny human things like feelings™️(bonus if they're actually not human and their argument is "I'm [insert species]. We can't feel [insert emotion they are definetly feeling very strongly]"). then, over the course of the story, we (along with they themselves because they were in denial) discover that it's not that they feel too little, they feel entirely too much. They're a sea of emotions so deep that the surface is calm, but don't you dare be near them when the storm is coming because all hell will break loose. (extra bonus point if that storm involves them rebelling against the oppressive society they were born into and adhered to until then because they realise their consciousness won't allow it any longer.) afterwards they realise that making themselves vulnerable once in a while is actually a good thing and they proceed to fuck the Rebel™️ who they've secretly been in love with the entire time, a feeling they only now allow themselves to act on

The last part sadly isn't always canon, but who has ever had time for that?

You know what this episode made me realise most of all? The Lan sect are just as human as the rest of them. In fact, they seem to be especially prone to acting rashly on strong emotions. (I don't remember the exact story, but didn't the founder of the Lan sect also have some kind of tragic love story?) It should be obvious, but the impression you get is that they are so detached from their wants, so rigorous and disciplined in their righteousness, that they are almost super-human. But no. Thise 3000 and some rules? They weren't born out of some enlightened mind that had the secret of live figures out, they're a crutch. Abiding by them without question rids one of responsibility to make even the tiniest moral choice for oneself. But that won't work because a) they're bounty to contradict each other at some point and b) that's not how human beings work. They're messy and unpredictable and beautifully complicated. The way Lan Qiren choses to apply them, he completely disregards that. At that point, the rules aren't there anymore to grant a harmonious society, but simply for their own sake. (Or maybe as a wall to hide behind)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

I think this liveblog has been the longest so far. I'm sorry for going on so many tangents, but lwj's backstory hit me really hard. I hope you guys weren't too bored 💚

(I also apologise for the mountains of typos that probably accumulated in this post. I'm too tired to check.)

[kokoinupi]

Jitterbug (Hashiya Nanashi, feat. Hatsune Miku & MEIKO) analysis, from an autistic point of view

Disclaimer: This is based on my personal experience growing up with autism, and the experiences of the people around me. This song is also really gay by nature, so if MikuMei isn't your thing, this is your warning. Obviously this is in no way any sort of official analysis, and actually, ironically due to my autism, I may misinterpret some things or have a hard time not taking lines literally, so don't get mad at me if I get something clearly wrong. I'm just very passionate about this interpretation, and this song comes very close to representing a real (canon) autistic experience. No one else seems to comment on it from that point of view though, so naturally I had to write this up! This is also my first full analysis, and I'm not good at being concise, so please bear with me!

[[MORE]]

Overview: The video, for me, is a major factor in how Jitterbug comes across as an autistic narrative. The name itself, while it is still a reference to a 1920s dance (befitting of the electroswing style of the song), doubles as a meaning for someone who can't sit still, and actually on a personal note was an affectionate nickname my family called me as a kid, so that tipped me off right away. All throughout the video, I noticed most of all, the way Meiko moves her hands while she dances is very close to stimmy behavior, not really like how a neurotypical would normally dance (nor is it a part of the jitterbug itself). While Meiko is moving her hands like that, Miku very often has something in her mouth, either a kind of stick, or the laser pointer, definitely suggesting an oral fixation. Of course, both girls obscure their eyes with sunglasses (I think Meiko's aviators look so cool), and while that definitely has some metaphorical meaning as others have pointed out in their analyses of the song, it's really not uncommon for autistic people to wear shaders and/or noise dampeners to combat overstimulation and sensory issues. None of these things on their own prove anything, of course, as the video is often a small part of a song's meaning, so let's dive into the main course!

Lyric analysis:

I can't talk about any wishes, nor my ideals

Giving out the same, invariant answer all the time

For being the first line in this song, this really already punches home the idea that Miku is dissatisfied with herself, and, as is often the case with autistic people, doesn't even know how she's supposed to navigate the world. She either doesn't know her aspirations in life, or doesn't know how to talk about them without being judged.

You don't need a rotten yesterday

Dump it before you get betrayed

Meiko, being the free spirit in contrast to the masking, frustrated Miku, assures her that she can't just hold onto bad things that happened, being judged or not knowing herself, she needs to dump her perfectionist tendencies and learn to live as herself a little before her own precariously-built persona comes crashing down on her.

Just fully utilize it, tame it

Can't give it away nor dye it tomorrow

I'm fully ready

Meiko tells Miku that she has to learn to work with herself the way she is, find her talents and use them fully, rather than constantly trying to change or push her feelings deep down. She can't give away her personality, and she can't truly make herself different inside, no matter how hard she masks on the outside.

Hungry critics that can't even move

are just glancing at you sideways

The people who would judge Miku for who she is are just hungry for something to laugh at, someone to other or exclude, but when it comes down to it, they're no real threat. If she can just get over that initial hurdle, she'll realize her haters are just pathetically lapping at any entertainment they can get, and they're really not that scary at the end of the day.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots

Given this is the first line they sing together, it almost feels like an admission on Miku's part, she wants to believe Meiko and stand up for herself for once, even if it is just among them for now.

Come at nights, grab my hand and dance

The girls are obviously fond of each other (just gals being pals), and in a way, understand one another on a deeper level than other people understand them, having similar neurotypes. Dancing itself is sort of a wild, energetic activity, that can help express a wide variety of pent-up emotions, and the jitterbug itself is a pretty manic dance that fits the image rather well.

Use your eyes only for me and let's light it up,

Your one and only, scorching laser light

This line is honestly just gay. I don't think there's any deeper meaning to the laser light specifically, but it is a cute thing to call your funky spunky girlfriend, isn't it? It actually may be a reference to how Miku really is on the inside, bright and strange, and often blinding and scorching to others. She hides that side of her pretty well normally, but with Meiko it's not only fine to be bright and weird and full of personality, but actually encouraged.

Fitfully ranking things and aligning them vertically

Abandoning my heart, I convert them to numbers out of impulse

Honestly, upon my first translated listen of this song, I didn't think absolutely anything autistic was happening until this line hit me. This is so autistic in nature, I'm surprised that a lot of analyses leave it out. Miku not only sees the world in sets and orders and numbers like many autistics do, but actually feels (most likely from outside influence) that by her brain being wired to see the world like that, she's abandoned her humanity and become a robot.

The magic gradually faded out

Instead, pessimism flowed in and was entrenched

I'm taking a little liberty here, but many autistics with savant syndrome (and/or gifted kid syndrome) are praised in their youth for the amazing things they can do, such as doing complex math quickly or reading at a faster speed than their peers, but later in life, when those skills are either no longer relevant or have averaged out, the things they used to be praised for become seen as annoying, not something to brag about, or a burden. Miku no longer sees the way her brain works as magical and special anymore, it's a curse and proof to her that she's not like the people around her.

Struck speechless by the awful scenery,

Very clearly overstimulation.

I linger in the raining streets, soaked from head to toe

Some wait for the sun, some grumble about the rain

All pointing at me inside their umbrellas

This line could very well be taken literally, but it's most clearly just a way of describing how different Miku is truly. She doesn't see the same things as bad as other people, she doesn't see the same things as good either. She could be the type that embraces darkness in life, both literally and figuratively. People may not actually point, but she can feel eyes on her, and it makes her feel even more alienated. Even when she tries so hard to fit in, there are some parts of her that are too obvious to change, and she knows she draws attention anyway.

Who cares! Ignore them right now

Let's smile, choose my hand and sing

Feel the rhythm with your heart and dance

I'm not sure exactly why, but the line about feeling the rhythm with your heart made me feel really connected to the song. It might just be because of my own personal music stim habits, but either way it's another line about leaving behind your facade, being as true to your nature as possible, and just dancing out your worries to the beat of the song.

On this rainy stage, as bright as the scorching light

This line embraces the idea of Miku preferring the rain. No one else has to like the stage they set for themselves, because when they're together, it's just about them and what they want to do. Miku can soak herself in rain and bright, scorching light, and just exist with no one around to point and stare.

Eyes go dim and words are lost

While this can just be a reference to depression in general, it's worth noting that many autistics have trouble showing expressions, and/or go nonverbal, often in response to stress or unusually upsetting circumstances.

The colors of today have faded out

Still, it couldn't end because of someone

This can be a way of insinuating that Miku is actually suicidal due to how she's seen by others, and Meiko is the one thing keeping her here, or it could just mean that Meiko stopped her days from getting too bad in a moderate sense. Either way, pretty gay, and shows more how much the girls depend on each other in mutual understanding.

Who cares! Ignore those idiots!

Come at nights, dance and grasp your aspirations

Referring back to the first line, Meiko does assure Miku that not everything needs to be worked out for others' sake, but by spending time with your true self and unpacking your feelings, the future you're supposed to have and the things that truly make you happy will become clear.

I shall dedicate my entire life to you

Let's shine on, like the scorching light

Reach your hands out, until the very end

Miku is in lesbians with her. Ending the song on such a gay note is never a bad thing of course, but it is a little anticlimactic for this analysis. Though, the line of reaching your hands out might actually refer to their hand movements in the video, symbolizing to keep being weird and authentic as long as you can, but that may be a bit of a stretch (or a reach, if you will)

Final thoughts: I have seen other analyses (though not as in-depth) about the meaning of the song, and while they definitely do have some meaning and I can see it from that point of view, there are just some obviously autistic cues that I couldn't ignore that just swayed my perception of the song entirely that direction. I'm not sure if I only picked up that meaning because of my own experiences biasing my view, or if I actually am onto something with the original intention of the song. If you guys have any insight to offer on any of the lyrics, or if I missed or misinterpreted something, feel free to let me know! Thanks for reading this far, honestly! 🌸