#(At least nothing about aging that I remember)
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I’m 34 and I volunteer with high schoolers and they are always so astonished by my age because I manage to keep up with their lingo reasonably well. Their favorite thing is to figure out other things the same age as me to try and make me “feel old”.
Turns out I’m basically the same age as: Taylor swift, the Hubble telescope, WorldWideWeb (the first browser), Adobe Photoshop, and the Super Nintendo. I used to roll my eyes and say, “and what have I done with my life?” As if Taylor Swift’s life is inherently more meaningful than mine. That Since i haven’t directly contributed to some vastly popular or obviously meaningful piece of human culture my 34 years don’t matter as much.
Recently I stopped doing that and started saying things like, “wow, a lot can change in 34 years. Wonder what it’ll be like when me and the Hubble are 50?” Or, “I’ve certainly aged better the WorldWideWeb haven’t I?”
And you know what? I like it so much better. I feel better about my age and my place in the world, I am genuinely excited to get older for the first time in my life. And the kids have shifted their tone too. They aren’t trying to embarrass me anymore, we’re all celebrating interesting bits of the world we share and I’m enjoying the fact that I’ve been here this long and I’m not planning on leaving any time soon.
I too remember not thinking I’d make it past 20. I know at least one of the teens in this group feels that way now. And I hope I’m showing him that those feelings don’t have to be proven true, and 34 is nothing to be ashamed of.
the older i get and the closer i am to reaching 30, the more the people around me try to deny me my age. it’s a constant ‘oh you’re just turning 29 again teehee 🤭’ or ‘dont tell your SO that, he’ll leave you for a younger model 😉’ and i just???? hate it?????????
i spent my entire teenaged years fighting for my life. i crawled through the deepest pits of my depression to cling to the promise of a life beyond that pain. i was so convinced that i was going to die young, that i would never see the grace of my age starting with a 2, let alone 3.
so im going to turn 30, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me from loving it.
#and if I want to embarrass them we’re in a golden couple years where I can tell them they’re the same age as my tumblr account#they don’t know my username bc I’m not that kind of crazy#but they know I lurk here bc they’ve seen the app on my Home Screen
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Greetings, Mr. Meshi!
This is perhaps a bit of an unorthodox question, but one that has been bothering me for an unreasonable amount of time.
Now, here's the thing: I OBSESS over Marcille outliving everyone she holds dear. It's a theme very close to me, but even beyond that I just find it to be one of the most interesting elements of Dungeon Meshi's story for me personally. I've written an embarrassing amount of lengthy essays on it that will never see the light of day - that's how obsessed I am over this specific element of her character. But, there's something that bothers me...
A lot of poignant stories and artworks that tackle this topic get comments on 'em whenever Falin is the subject of aging, each one some variation of "Everything points to Falin having an extended lifespan after her revival!" which... Seems weird to me?
I don't know why this bothers me so much, but setting aside my personal annoyances, I don't remember anything pointing to this at all. At least, nothing concrete.
I don't know if this is a question you'd want to answer or not, but since your blog is a hub for all sorts of opinions and headcanons, I'd love to know where this line of thought could originate from.
I really wouldn't blame you if you didn't answer this question, though. Part of me feels I'm just asking this because I want to see if others share in my confusion or not.
Rrrregardless, though! Lemme take the opportunity to say that your blog is delighful. Love it! Also, that mushroom man with the funny face that sometimes responds to you with lengthy essays is also really cool. Everyone is cool. At least here on the northern hemisphere! It is smack dab in the middle of fall, after all! Coolness all around! Stay frosty! Or don't! Maybe warm up at a fireplace. I don't know!
Hi there! Thank you for the kind words, I love reading other's opinions on what I post so I also love the additions by the mushroom <3
It's quite hot over here in northeast Brazil, send some coolness my way please I'm dying.
Your question isn't strange at all! And I don't mind answering anything (unless it's rude or sounds like shipping war bait) so don't worry.
(Decided to put the rest under a readmore, TLDR: Kui said "maybe so, right?" about Falin having a longer lifespan but I have arguments why I don't think this actually confirms it. Anyway if you're someone who likes the headcanon you might want to skip this post)
To be honest those type of comments bother me too because I also LOVE Marcille's struggle with mortality and sometimes "Falin will live much longer!" feels undermining of the lesson she had to learn. I don't mind it in the headcanon sphere where everything is allowed and happy endings grow on trees but when it becomes intertwined with canon it starts to make me a little disappointed.
Just a reminder of the lesson she has to learn
She has to come to terms with the cycle of life and death, that something she wants (everyone to live longer) shouldn't be forced upon others just because it causes her grief. So, to me at least, Falin being made into something that will end up outliving other tallmen would undermine the message? In a canon sense ofc, if you're writing a wish fulfillment story then her living longer would have a different meaning, I just wanna be clear I have nothing against it in that sense, it all depends on what story you're trying to tell.
Anyway, actually answering your question that idea comes from the fact she was fused to a Red Dragon, and the fact her body has been affected by it, her sight was fixed and she grows feathers for example, so people theorize maybe her lifespan has been affected too. But we don't really know how long dragon's live so it's hard to say how much it would have been affected if at all.
It also comes from this answer Kui gave in a QnA
Q: Would Falin have an extended lifespan after the whole chimera thing? A: Maybe so, right?
To me this reads as the usual non-answers Kui gives, like, "I'll leave it up to your imagination" but for other people this read as a confirmation of the headcanon, in another questions she answers "I hope so" about Thistle leading a happy life after having his desires eaten and it's even debatable if Thistle survived at all so I don't think those comments indicate much of canon (I'm that way about most QnA answers tbh, unless it's something inconsequential like confirming Mithrun's Brother's name or stuff about very minor characters)
Another argument I have against her having a different lifespan is Izutsumi, Izu has been mixed with a monster but continues to age at the same rate a Tallmen would, even tho she also has different biology because of the Great Cat she's fused with (ears, reflexes, eyes etc etc) she is still a tallman
Falin isn't really the same thing as Izutsumi tho, I understand, but it's the closest example we have, if we believe the AB descriptions and demi-humans are really mixes between humans and monsters that's also another argument about it not affecting lifespan, since all of them are short lived and have an average lifespan of 55.
All of this *can* be dissmissed tho, the other demi-humans and beastmen are all mixed with mammal monsters and nothing nearly as powerful as a Dragon, so there is arguments to be made that Falin is different and that she *might* have an extended lifespan, all I'm saying is that there's no solid confirmation of it, it's fine to believe it but going around "correcting" other people saying it's a fact wouldn't be right I don't think, especially if you're saying that in a conversation about Marcille journey of death acceptance.
Death is a touchy subject and everyone is at different stages of their own journeys with it so I really don't want to judge those who would rather have Falin or even Laios live longer. I'm not really sure how to talk about this in the proper way, but I hope I didn't make anyone upset!
#ask#dungeon meshi spoilers#dungeon meshi#death tw#tw death#Meta ask#long post#longpost#dunmeshi thoughts#Falin Touden#Marcille Donato
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𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 | j.ww
a/n: i had a terrible nightmare, but it inspired this lmao. apologies if the plot seems weird, i just went with the flow. hope you like it! (p.s. took me just a week to write this bad boy, but trust, there's more angst on the way! itll take more time bcs im super busy but i promise im gonna deliver angst)
word count: 5k contents: dystopian au , kinda inspired by divergent too , wonwoo x afab!reader , doctor!wonwoo , reader is going to die , a little graphic at the end but for like 2 seconds , flashbacks , forbidden love , HEAVY angst , sad ending
[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]
"756, your three hours begin now," an automated voice booms through the speakers placed in your cell, reverberating through the small metal chamber you've been kept in for as long as you can remember.
the door to your cell slides open, allowing you your last bit of freedom, last few hours of life, before it was all going to be taken away from you.
hyejun, the girl who occupied the cell next to you, comes into view, her eyes already filled with tears. the two of you had become friends of some sort over the last twenty-one years of captivity. although, your friendship wasn't like the ones people wrote about in books or played out in movies.
the Misfits would never have the privilege of a real friendship.
you couldn't tell each other about childhood memories, dreams, goals, or regrets, because the last twenty-one years of your lives had been spent inside the same grey walls. you couldn't go shopping at the mall, or watch movies at the cinema, because you weren't allowed to leave the facility, no matter what.
yet, hyejun was the closest you'd ever have to a friend, which is why it hurt you to see her cry profusely.
"don't cry, you idiot," you laugh, trying your best to keep yourself calm and composed. nothing good ever came out of the both of you crying together. "don't act like you forgot that this would happen some day."
"it hurt less to pretend like it wasn't," hyejun sobs, hugging you tightly. "why did we have to turn out this way?"
you wish you could answer that question.
there wasn't really any research or accurate information on how the Misfits came to be. the only piece of information told to every Misfit child the day they turn three years old is that they didn't have a place in society.
and the next thing you know, you've been shipped off to a facility to spend the rest of your lives as outcasts; as children who were deprived of their life too quickly.
at least once during their twenty-one years in a prison, every Misfit has wondered how this system came to be. who was it that decided what the Misfits were? was there a war? or an uprising? why was it declared that upon turning twenty-four, every Misfit would be executed?
you had resigned to your fate a long time ago. somewhere between the age of five and eight, when you realized that this was your life—living locked up in the facility. it wasn't as restrictive as a prison, as you were allowed to spend time outside your cell for meals, showers, interacting with others, and visiting the in-house library, theater and much more. but you when you learnt that you were strictly denied any permission to leave the place where childhood innocence came to die—you had given up.
you stopped throwing tantrums and crying like all the other children. you stopped wanting to see the outside world again. you stopped trying to live your life. you stopped hoping. you stopped loving.
it was a cruel realization to come to at such a young age, but you never had a choice. your entire life had been decided for you, because of some goddamn reason no one knew, so you gave up on trying to fight the system.
which is why, on the day of your twenty-fourth birthday, when your last three hours on this earth were announced, there wasn't any dread or anxiety filling you. there wasn't any urge to resist and rebel against the oppression you've been subjected to.
you were just another number on the list, the seven hundred and fifty-sixth person to be killed this year.
one of the things you were thankful for was the painless death. back when you were thirteen, an old lady who worked at the facility as a cleaner had given into hyejun's incessant pleas to know how the executions occurred.
the lady had said, "it doesn't hurt at all. first, they inject you with some drug. then, you're taken into an empty white room. they have a machine in there, which i don't know much about, but in merely three minutes, you're gone."
hyejun had ended up in tears after she got to know, but all you could do was laugh to yourself. three years to live a normal life, three hours to spend before you die, and three minutes to completely wipe out your existence, as if you ever really mattered in the grand scheme of things.
ever since you came into the facility, you've seen countless people being escorted upstairs to meet their end. some scream and yell for mercy, some stab a knife into themselves before they die in a way they're not even aware of, and some people, like you, have this empty look in their eyes. they look like lifeless dolls being dragged to their doom, because anything worth living had already been snatched from their hands.
—
"one hour and fifteen minutes," hyejun whispers, looking at the timer on your wrist counting down your last few moments. "y/n, how am i going to live without you?"
"this isn't called life, junnie," you chuckle, the sound hollow and meaningless. "they should've just killed us before we were brought into this prison. this isn't a life worth living."
"how can you say that?" hyejun asks, and you look at her to gauge her expression. hyejun is one of the many people who still haven't accepted that their days are marked. she's one of the many people who hope that there is a second chance at life.
"i can say it because it's the truth," you sigh. "there's no point in grieving the loss of a life you never had."
hyejun falls silent, her expression distraught, and you feel bad for this being your last conversation with the one person you've spent your entire life with.
your heart softens just a little bit for the person who's shared this meaningless life with you, so you move closer to her on the single bed in your cell.
"i'm sorry, i guess i hadn't realized that you haven't accepted this fate like i have," you apologize, wrapping an arm around hyejun's shoulder to comfort her. "don't be too upset after i'm gone, okay? probably not the best source of motivation, but you'll just have two weeks to spend without me before..... you know." you trail off awkwardly.
"i know," hyejun nods, looking up at you. "promise me you'll find me wherever we end up once we're gone?"
"i promise," you smile, and it's probably the most genuine thing you've felt your entire life.
the two of you huddle closer, spending your last hour in silence.
the door to your cell remains open, which is why you aren't startled when two women, dressed in all-white clothing, appear at the door, one holding a glass of water, and the other a pill.
hyejun isn't as calm as you, and tears quickly spring to her eyes when she sees the two officials at the door. "y/n, it can't be-"
"764, please return to your assigned cell," one woman speaks, her tone cold and sterile, devoid of any emotion.
"i- please, just some more time, please," hyejun begs, her hands clinging onto yours, as if bargaining for more time would do anything to delay the consequence you were going to face.
"please return to your assigned cell," the woman repeats. "i will not hesitate to call security."
"junnie, go," you whisper, slowly freeing your hands from her grip. "i'll be fine, you'll be fine."
hyejun shakes her head, sobbing incessantly. "i'll miss you."
"i'll miss you too," you admit truthfully. "i'll wait for you, okay?"
hyejun nods, and after another threatening glare from the officials, she shares one last knowing look with you, and for a moment, you feel thankful for being loved by someone in this life, no matter how short or miserable it was.
hyejun goes back into her own cell, and you let your last ever interaction with her sink in.
"756, please take this pill, and then follow us upstairs," the second woman instructs, and you get off the bed to approach the women.
"happy birthday to me," you scoff to yourself, taking the pill and swallowing it down with the water.
as if some countdown has started, the two officials spring into action. each grab one arm of yours and escort you out of your room. out of the corner of your eye, you can see hyejun by her door, collapsed to the floor on her knees, sobbing and grieving the only real connection she had with anyone in this ruthless world.
you wish you could say the same, but it would be a lie.
because when you finally climb the last step, and the door to your death is opened in front of you, you find yourself looking into the chocolate-brown eyes you had foolishly let yourself fall into.
jeon wonwoo.
—
[ flashback - 28th october, 2022 ]
"i wasn't aware that you were allowed to be outside your cell past 11 p.m.," a deep voice speaks from behind you, and you nearly jump five feet into the air.
you turn to see a tall, bespectacled man standing in the kitchen, a white lab coat hanging off his broad shoulders.
he's a doctor.
"i-i'm so sorry," you gasp, realizing that you're in deep shit now. realistically, you knew that the only way you were going to leave this facility was when you died, but you had no idea what the protocol was for people who snuck out of their cells at midnight, which was against all the rules. "i just really needed some water and i didn't have any left in the cell and-"
but the doctor just smiles at you, his intimidating demeanour replaced by possibly the only smile you'll ever see that is so beautiful.
"it's alright, don't be scared," he assures you, in that rich, warm voice of his. "i'm doctor jeon. you are?"
"y/n," you reply, confused about the whole situation. were doctors supposed to be on a first-name basis with the Misfits? "i'm sorry if this sounds stupid, but are you supposed to be talking to me?"
a flicker of sadness appears in his eyes, and disappears just as quickly. "it's alright for me to talk to you. you do realize i am required to interact with everyone in this facility if they visit the infirmary, right? i'm a doctor, it's kinda my job."
your face burns with embarrassment. "sorry, that was a stupid question."
"no worries, y/n," doctor jeon laughs, seemingly endeared by your mini-meltdown. you had no idea why you were behaving this way. never in your life had you been this embarrassed or flustered around anyone. you've been living in a prison all your life, where showers are taken in communal bathrooms and privacy was a rare luxury. why did this man have to change that?
"i'm going to head back to my cell now," you clear your throat, eyes focused on the water bottle you had just filled for yourself.
"alright," doctor jeon nods. "goodnight, y/n."
you give him a nod in return, stiffly walking past him to tiptoe back to your cell. you catch a glance at his name-tag.
dr. jeon wonwoo.
the name stays on your mind for way longer than it should've.
—
[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]
"have you taken the prescribed pill?" wonwoo asks, his tone formal and cold, as if he's never seen you, never known of your existence.
you know that's far from the truth.
"yes, doctor," you reply promptly, attentively watching as wonwoo goes through a few files on his desk. you see his features harden for a second at the name you addressed him with, a giveaway of how much he hated it when you called him that.
"it'll take a minute for the pill to take effect," wonwoo says. "please head over to the chair."
you wordlessly move over to the black leather armchair in the room, sitting on it as instructed. the situation is built on similar circumstances from the past, but it feels so devastatingly unfamiliar and strange.
you don't know if it's the air-conditioner or the cold look in wonwoo's once-loving eyes that makes you shiver.
—
[ flashback - 24th november, 2022 ]
"i'll walk you to the infirmary," hyejun offers. the morning of your twenty-second birthday, you had woken up with a high fever. your body was so weak, you couldn't even move to get off the bed.
thankfully, despite the prison-like feel, the facility wasn't too restrictive with regards to the cell doors being locked, or neighbouring cellmates interacting, which is why hyejun could come into your cell and take you to the infirmary.
you're barely conscious when you enter. you can hear hyejun's muffled voice talking to the doctor on duty, explaining to them your condition, all while you struggle to stay standing upright.
soon, a familiar pair of glasses swim into your vision, strong arms lift you and place you on one of the beds, and a gentle touch on your forehead lulls you to sleep.
the name-tag catches your attention before your eyes close.
—
"doctor jeon?" you croak out, voice groggy with sleep. the doctor looks up from his desk to see you sitting up in bed, finally awake after being asleep for almost the entire day.
"ah, y/n, you're up," wonwoo smiles at you. "how are you feeling now?"
"the fever seems to be gone," you reply after a moment, feeling much better than earlier in the morning.
"that's good to hear," wonwoo nods. "your friend mentioned that it was your birthday today. happy birthday, y/n."
you sigh. "doctor, i appreciate your gesture, but having a birthday is hardly an occasion that calls for happiness, is it? birthdays are never happy for someone like me."
a similar flicker of sadness flashes in wonwoo's eyes, reminding you of the first encounter in the kitchen a month ago.
"i'm sorry, i should've known-"
"it's alright," you interrupt his apology. "at least the infirmary is a change of scenery. never had a birthday party in here before, doctor." you joke, because somehow, seeing a frown on wonwoo's face felt like it should be a crime for him to be anything but happy.
"call me wonwoo, please," he chuckles. "being called doctor by someone who's the same age feels a little embarrassing."
"we're the same age?" you question, sitting up a little straighter. "next thing you're going to tell me is that we have the same favorite color."
"i like blue," wonwoo says.
"me too!" you gasp, the both of you bursting into laughter instantly.
the infirmary was empty for the rest of the day, and the two of you filled it with laughter and stories. wonwoo gladly took the lead, telling you all about his life up until he was hired to work at the facility six months ago, and you listened eagerly. it felt like you lived life through his stories, and it stirred this dangerous feeling inside you.
you had found something that gave you hope, in a universe where hope never worked in your favor.
—
[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]
"details of subject 756. full name, lee y/n. sex, female. date of birth, 24th november 1999-"
wonwoo's voice reading out all your details, the only pieces of information that gave you any form of self-identity, was getting hard to listen to with no response.
"stop."
"756, not interrupting the procedure would be advised," wonwoo addresses you, not even looking your way, his eyes trained on the file in front of him.
"why are you treating me like you don't know who i am?" you ask him in a quiet voice. "as if we didn't spend almost two years together, in love-"
"756, no interruptions, please." wonwoo grits out, sounding just as hurt as you felt.
"you hated it when i called you doctor, and now you won't even call me by my name?" you scoff, and that seems to rouse a reaction out of wonwoo.
"you are nothing but a number on this long list of people that i have to kill," wonwoo seethes, leaving his desk to come stand in front of you. "this is our reality now, 756. whatever happened in those two years, it was a dream, a fantasy."
"our love wasn't real? the hope you gave me wasn't real?" you challenge, standing up from the armchair. "you promised me, every day, that you'd change this, that i wouldn't have to-"
"then you were stupid for believing me!" wonwoo yells, cutting you off. "you should've known that i was an idiot in love, that i would've promised you anything if it meant i could see you smile. if it meant i could see you live the last few years of your life happily."
—
[ flashback - 1st january, 2023 ]
soon after your twenty-second birthday, you had grown much closer to wonwoo. you'd visit the infirmary for no reason, just to spend hours with him, learning about how the outside world worked. there were afternoons where he'd show you pictures of mountains, oceans, parks, children, and animals that he'd taken. there were evenings where he'd sneak you into his quarters, where he'd read you a book, or turn on a random movie he thought you'd appreciate.
it started feeling less like a friendship, and more like love. the way his eyes would light up when you entered the infirmary to greet him good morning, the way his ears would turn red if any other staff at the facility would get close to figuring out his relationship with you, the way he'd hold your hand or run his fingers through your hair, and the way he'd smile at you, kissing your cheek as a goodnight before going back to his own quarters.
you knew you were foolish for falling in love with wonwoo, especially when you had such limited time to love him properly. so you began to distance yourself from him. you stopped visiting him, avoided his attempts to talk, and tried your best to forget him.
it didn't work.
it only ended up in you being dragged to the infirmary by hyejun, when you woke up on january 1st complaining of a terrible stomach ache.
it was wonwoo who took care of you then.
"you've been avoiding me," wonwoo says quietly, watching you take the medicine he gave you. "did i do something wrong?"
you stay silent, wondering if you should tell him the truth or keep it hidden.
"i've fallen in love with you."
the truth it is then.
wonwoo gapes at you, blinking repeatedly as he tries to process your words. after a minute, he regains his composure and says, "i love you too. now why were you ignoring me?"
he asked you to be his girlfriend three days later, and for the first time since you've entered the facility, your heart starts to long for more time.
—
[ present - 24th november, 2024]
"yeah, i was stupid," you laugh sadly. "i was stupid to believe that you'd actually do something to fight for us."
"and risk both our lives in the process?" wonwoo argues. "if anyone would've found out, we'd both be killed, and not the painless way."
"well, one of us is going to die anyways!" you raise your voice, the tears you've desperately held back finally spilling over. "why did you have to love me? why did you have to make me want to live? do you know how hard it is for your face to be the last thing i see before i die?"
"and you think that this is making me happy?" wonwoo says, anger, love, helplessness, all emotions bleeding into his voice. "i loved you too. heck, i still do, and even after you're gone, i'll-"
"just do it. do whatever you need to do to kill me," you stop him from finishing his sentence. five-year old you had promised to give into your fate no matter what happens. and even though seeing the only man you've loved about to end your life is breaking your heart into a million pieces, you wouldn't be alive for too long to feel that pain.
"no-" wonwoo shakes his head. "i was stupid. i should've done something sooner. i was scared and i'm sorry. i'll get you out."
—
[ flashback - 19th september, 2023 ]
"i'll get you out," wonwoo whispers into your ear. you've just pulled him into a hug before you go back into your cell for the night when the words are muttered into the skin of your neck. "i won't let you die, y/n. not like this."
"won, what are you saying?" you ask, pulling away to face him. "are you nuts?"
"i love you and i can't bear the thought of having to lose you," wonwoo breathes out, his voice sounding strained. "i can't lose you."
"wonwoo, this is the system," you scoff. "i can't not die, it's not possible."
"just trust me," wonwoo shakes his head. "i'll get you out."
you let yourself believe him.
—
[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]
"i'm not letting myself fall for empty promises anymore," your words ring out loud and clear. "just get this over with, doctor."
"y/n-"
"756. that's how you're instructed to address me, doctor," you correct him.
"i can't. i won't do this to you," wonwoo refuses, moving closer to stand in front of you and place his hands on your shoulders. "we can get out, y/n. please, let me try."
—
[ flashback - 19th september, 2024]
"there's no way out," wonwoo mutters, and you feel the hope building in your chest crumble to dust.
"what- what do you mean?" you stammer. "wonwoo, you said you'd find a way-"
"i couldn't," he sighs. "not with management breathing down my neck. they already suspect i'm in close contact with one of the Misfits, and i don't want to give them a reason to make your last few months any worse."
"did you even try?" your voice breaks, your hopes and dreams slowly getting crushed.
"i didn't," wonwoo replies hesitantly. "i'm being monitored, especially after the promotion-"
"promotion?"
"i've been assigned to the room upstairs."
the room upstairs. where every Misfit goes to die.
"you- you never told me about this," your voice is strangled, the weight of wonwoo's words pressing down on your chest like an invisible weight.
"that's because you had no business knowing about it," wonwoo snaps. "look, y/n, from now on, you and i are nothing but strangers. whatever we had between us, it has to end now."
—
[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]
"you ended things. we're strangers now," you remind wonwoo, and the tears finally escape his eyes. "you shouldn't care this much for strangers, doctor."
"y/n, i'm sorry," wonwoo chokes out, tears streaming down his face, and you belatedly realize that you’re crying too. with the back of your hand, you wipe away the unnecessary and immature tears. this was your fate.
“you didn’t try when you said you would, wonwoo,” you lower your gaze, staring at the floor. "there's no happy ending for us now. there never was."
"i know. i was an asshole for promising you something i couldn't give to you, but i know i'm going to spend the rest of my life regretting not helping you now," wonwoo argues. he holds your hands in his.
"please, y/n, give me another chance."
"you know what's funny, wonwoo?" you laugh bitterly, looking up at the man you will love till the moment you die. "at least you have a lifetime you can spend regretting. at least you have a lifetime to start afresh, find someone else, fall in love. i only had you. you were my world, and it hurt so much when you lied to me and showed me dreams i never should've seen."
"i only said all those things because i loved you then, and i love you now as well," wonwoo's voice is shaky now. he knows your time together is nearing to a close, and with every passing second, he dreads the passing of the remainder of his life without you. "i was foolish to promise you freedom, but it was only because i hated that look of hopelessness in your eyes. and you have all the right to blame me, but let me just try-"
"if you're so sure you can get me out now, why didn't you do it earlier?" you cut him off. "why now? right before i have to die?"
you see the look of guilt flash in wonwoo's eyes. your eyes fall to the white lab coat he's wearing, the symbol of the facility embroidered into the fabric, right above where his name-tag sits.
you raise your hand to brush your fingers against the only name you had desperately hoped to call out for the rest of your life.
you realize that while it was your fate was to die, wonwoo's fate was to live. the purpose of your life was to live twenty-four years on this miserable earth and then vanish, while wonwoo's role was to take your life.
no matter how realistic those two years felt, it was impossible for the two of you to be together. you were carrying out your meaningless life, and wonwoo was fulfilling his duty. a duty that never involved loving you or rescuing you.
the bitterness brewing in you for the last couple of months comes to a rest, because you understand.
"i don't blame you," you utter quietly, hands coming up to rest against wonwoo's chest. if you tried really hard, you could delude yourself into thinking that this was just another morning you would spend with wonwoo, in his embrace, living life as if you had the gift of endless time.
"you were scared too, weren't you?"
wonwoo's face crumbles. he leans forward into you, resting his head on your shoulder as his body shakes with the intensity of his cries.
you hold him tight, and you feel sorry for giving him this warmth and comfort right before you left his life forever.
"you should have never loved me," wonwoo sobs. "i thought i was making your last years something you wouldn't hate, but i just-"
"you made my last years the happiest i've ever been," you stop him. "i don't regret loving you wonwoo, not even for a second. and i'm sorry i was angry at you for not helping me get out. i was too blinded by betrayal to realize that it could cost your life too."
"it wouldn't have mattered if you got to live," wonwoo shakes his head.
"it would've, because i wouldn't have you to live my life with," you say softly. wonwoo pulls away from you. his eyes are red and puffy, and your heart aches with the urge to kiss him, one last time.
"i'm sorry," you whisper. "i'm sorry that we ended up this way. god, if i had it any other way, i would've done anything to grow old with you."
"i'm sorry too," wonwoo sniffles. "for not fighting enough for us."
"it can't be helped now," you smile sadly at him. "maybe in another universe, we get to travel the world with each other and do everything we couldn't do in this one."
"it's time to let go, wonwoo," you say, pressing one final kiss against his lips.
wonwoo inhales deeply after you back away from him. he walks back to the desk, takes out a syringe filled with a clear liquid with shaking hands and comes back to face you.
"i'll find you in every other universe, and i'll love you till the end of time," wonwoo looks into your eyes, and this one feels like a real promise.
"i know you will," you hold the wrist of the hand holding the syringe to steady it.
wonwoo presses the needle into the skin of your neck, the place where he had whispered a promise of a better life before, and you squeeze your eyes shut.
"it won't hurt at all," wonwoo whispers as an assurance, and his free hand holds yours tightly.
the needle breaks through skin, the liquid is injected, and your last three minutes begin.
you open your eyes, and nothing feels like it's changed, but then wonwoo approaches you with a black eye-mask.
"i don't want you to see what happens," he explains, and you nod to give him permission. he slips the fabric onto your head, and your vision is blocked.
the last thing you see is his name-tag.
you hear the turn of a door knob, the sound of a door creaking open, and wonwoo's last words to you.
"i love you."
you feel gentle hands guide you into the room just opened, a pair of lips pressing a kiss to your temple, the warmth of wonwoo leaving you.
you're alone.
you smell the sterile antiseptic used to clean the room, a vague burning scent, your impending death.
your time is nearly up.
you taste the salt of the last tears you'll ever shed, the sour flavor of tragic love, blood.
it's almost over.
and then, nothing. it's like your senses have stopped working all of a sudden, and you're in a vacuum.
your hands tug off the eye-mask, but you can't see anything either. you realize it's the effect of the injection.
and it's good that you can't see, hear, feel, smell, or taste anymore.
otherwise you'd see the transparent glass wall separating you from a sobbing wonwoo, hand trembling above the red button that brought about your end.
you'd hear the lasers in the room charging up.
you'd feel a scorching heat all over your skin.
you'd smell your flesh burning till you're reduced to ashes, meant to be swept off.
you'd taste the kiss of death.
the timer rings; three minutes are up.
dr. jeon wonwoo ticks 756 off his checklist.
- fin.
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Thalia remembered Galadriel from when they were younger. They were the same age, having gone to the same finishing school together. But their experiences had been vastly different; The wolf had sat through lessons isolated from her peers, mocked for her unconventional and tomboyish ways. Galadriel, on the other hand, was adored and revered by her classmates for her grace and status. They hardly interacted, nor had the lady ever mocked her, but it felt somewhat satisfying for Thalia to say the least. Now, at this point, they were more equal than they had ever been.
She was used to those who dismissed her ability, this was a tale well-known to her. But it was also what sparked Thalia onwards. If the other woman was going to sit there and make faces at this new arrangement, so be it. It wouldn’t change a thing. All it did do was make the knight more determined. She listened to the Duchess with listening ears, only nodding in agreement. “Most certainly.” She took a sip from her goblet, about to add something more when the air changed; Galadriel wanted nothing more to do with this discussion. Thalia watched her leave quietly for a moment before clearing her throat, setting her cup aside. “Might I be excused also, father?” She asked politely, “Her ladyship may need assistance navigating our home.” Her father nodded. Rising to her feet, she curtsied to the Duchess. “Your Grace — may I thank you again for your kind offer.” She smiled, ignoring the glaring eyes of Kenric piercing the back of her head, “It is most appreciated and shall not be tarnished.”
She left the dining room, and behind her also was her stiff demeanour. Now? She could just be herself. She walked with a little more pace, arms swinging a little more as she rounded the corner to find Galadriel aside somewhere by herself. Thalia folded her arms.
“You were always far superior than me in school, Galadriel, but you knew that. Table etiquette was your forte, if I am not mistaken?” She began, trying to hide the amused expression on her face. “I expected somewhat of a warmer reception for an old peer, no?”
Alaric Olavson had given up on trying to raise his daughter to be the ideal Eyivish woman many, many years ago. It was apparent from a very young age that Thalia didn't exactly fit the mould of a respectable noble woman in the land, nor did she wish to be either. Do not be mistaken, this was a place far unlike the human world; Eyiven was a world in which women prospered! They were rulers, politicians, academics and scholars. They made discoveries and changed lives, stood strong in every area of society, yes, but even this had their limitations. The world of combat, grizzling and dirty as it was, was no place for a woman. The life of a knight, laborious work in many ways, was not for a lady.
And yet, it was all Thalia had ever dreamed of.
She was Grand Kelune's first and only female knight, a position she had recently gained after years of dedication and hard work. Her father, Alaric, was a local politician and nobleman, her oldest brother Kenric was also a knight, and it was he who had secretly trained his little sister when their father wasn't around. They were a well-connected and well-liked family, but it couldn't go without saying; people in their land viewed Thalia with such amusement. She had spent most of her life hearing whispers in the background, people pointing when they thought she wasn't looking. She was loud, outspoken, and cared little for societal structures, and in the eyes of the ordinary citizen, that made her a bit of a freak.
It was... tough, at times. Thalia put on a strong face, but often felt ever so frustrated; She watched the way that her male colleagues were no where near as good as she was at the job, but simply because she was a woman, she was overlooked, mocked, grieved. She hated it, she hated how she had to fight ten times harder for everything in the role than they did, but it also made her determined. Determined to prove them wrong and prove to her father that his agreement to letting her take this job was the right thing.
Her determination hadn't gone unnoticed. The region's Duchess had caught wind of a female knight in her land, the daughter of a politician she'd conversed with many times, and it seemed the Duchy were willing to embrace the unorthodox girl when so many weren't. Perhaps, it was simply out of intrigue. Even so, the noble family had approached Alaric, discussed an idea or two, and the man could hardly decline such an offer. She wanted his child to be the personal guard to her youngest daughter, Galadriel. This would mean great things for his family. How could he refuse such a thing?
He'd just been rather shocked when she had suggested that Thalia take on the role.
Thalia? You wish for Thalia to supervise her ladyship? That had been his response. Pure shock greeted with a nod and a smile. But out of respect, he couldn't question the duchess any further. All Alaric could do was gratefully accept the offer, and invite the family to their home for a feast one evening in thanks. And simply pray to the moon herself that Thalia would be on her best behaviour.
As the warm months were beginning to draw to a close, this evening involved Alaric racing around his home in a disorientated panic. He yelled at servants and pointed fingers at maids, demanding that his home be nothing but perfection before the arrival of the Duchess, her husband and her daughter. The feast was grand, a beautiful array of the land's finest food and cutlery, sparkling silverware and glowing candlesticks laid as the backdrop was accompanied by a roaring fireplace.
"... And what of Thalia?" He suddenly cried, skidding to a halt, looking at one of the maids who stared back in frightened horror. "Where on the moon's great earth is Thalia?!" His voice boomed and echoed through the halls.
Thalia didn't hear him. She was outside in the beautiful gardens with her other brother, Cassian, a wide grin on her face, in her own little world. She wore this awfully constricting dress her father had forced her to put on, but had managed to roll up the sleeves, ignoring the way the grass flicked specks of dirt on the frail at the bottom.
"You spend you days behind a telescope or with your nose pressed inside a book..." She teased to Cassian, giving him a look of mischief ridden on her face, "... and yet you believe yourself to be the superior being in a duel?" She let out one loud laugh, like a bark, almost. Cassian folded his arms over, nodding, "Of course. I am older, taller and faster than you. I would champion over you any day."
"False accusations will get you no where, brother." She countered quickly.
"Accusations?"
Thalia smirked, continuing to egg him on in hopes of getting him no where. "Mhm, accusations. You're ever so intricate with your words, Cassian, but nothing of substance ever follows. Haven't you noticed? Unless... you believe me wrong wrong?"
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I keep starting and abandoning posts that go into my drafts, as I try to stay tasteful about how fucking revolted this part makes me. Like, I'm legitimately unsure if the very relevant trauma I have is making me see things that aren't here
But first we see that Star Flower is trying to ingratiate herself to the group, just after she reappears from chapter 5. Chapter 5 is about how Clear Sky is still abusive towards his son, and she comes in after stroking his ego, stressing how alone she is, and appealing to how she'll be loyal unlike his child. (She glances over at Thunder, directly implying this.)
Now in Chapter 9, she's babysitting and trying to care for Milkweed's kits (in spite of discomfort from Milkweed), taking a wet sleeping space away from the others, and pulling more than her own weight "without complaint." Putting herself through harsh sitations to prove her worth.
All while trying to appear extra attractive to Thunder, and later Clear Sky. Basically every man in power who can "protect her"
Like, am I going fucking crazy? With how we later find out that Star Flower was "promised as a mate" to One Eye's subordinate Slash, is... is that hypersexualization? One of the extremely stigmatized symptoms of sexual abuse?
She goes to find Clear Sky alone to throw herself at his paws, and he's very quickly attracted to how she promises to perfectly obey him, have no needs of her own, and finally be the perfect servant that he desires
"I don't deserve your trust because I am dirt. I understand you because I also regret something. I'd die for you. I'll never betray you unlike those who have."
This isn't manipulation. She means this. The story is playing their romance sincerely. She's comparing "betraying" Thunder by telling her own father about an assassination ambush to Clear Sky's history of child abuse, physical assault, and murder
She believes she's on the same level as this; a monster who murdered a childhood friend in a fit of entitled rage. She was a victim of One Eye who really believes that the way her father used her means she "understands" this monster, deserves this treatment.
And Clear Sky LIKES that.
He likes that she will have COMPLETE FAITH in him. That she will follow him WITHOUT QUESTION. That she will OBEY his orders. That's fucking verbatim, that's THE TEXT!!!
WHILE HE'S STILL CRYING ABOUT "ive tried to atone every day" FOLLOWING THE LAST TWO BOOKS WHERE THE ONLY SHITTY THING HE DOESN'T DO IS MURDER INNOCENT WOMEN
Am I insane?? Am I wrong??? Am I missing something here???? Why the fuck is the fandom takeaway "haha sexy girl steals his dad." Did I read the same book
#Csa mention#Did they once again do a misogyny so hard they accidentally gave their woman character trauma#My tip to anyone in a draining relationship. If your partner fetishizes that YOU would never leave or betray them unlike ''all the others''#RUN.#There may be a reason their exes cut ties with them and they're praising you for ignoring red flags#Especially when your partner is significantly older and more experienced#Theres nothing noble about constantly suffering for the sake of 'loyalty'#Star Flower PLEASE get out of here you dont fucking deserve this you did nothing wrong#Bones reads dotc#Dotc hate#I thought i was just remembering things wrong when i was adding the subtheme of thunder having a connection to star via abusive dads-#-in my dotc rewrite. But no it's right there. It's in the text and it's something clear is attracted to#I abuse the shit out of my son and he left me once over it#But i can abuse this girl his same age and she won't run. Finally! A victim who won't leave!#And then they become mates and she births at least two litters#Cw abuse#sa mention#EDIT: I've changed the language just slightly#because the timeline COULD work out that starf was an adult when she was promised to slash for a very brief window of time#and hypersexualization is a symptom of trauma resulting from many types of sex abuse. Even that done when the victim was an adult.#it's just more common in CSA
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I am once again going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out the ages of the Gallifrey characters
#idk why my brain gets so caught up on this but it does#I’m also talking like start of gallifrey because I’m not getting into all that for them now#what bothers me the most is that we’ve got basically nothing on Narvin#I can’t remember for sure but I don’t even think we know what regeneration he’s on#I don’t think it would be hard to assume his first but also it could not be#like for brax we know he’s older than the doctor so that puts him at at least 1000#and romana is around 600 years younger than the doctor so she’d be around 400#and then I’m going with 50 ish for leela because we don’t know her actual age so I’m using Louise jamesons age plus the time she spent#married to andred#also with romana that’s assuming that her and the doctor experienced the same amount of time in between them traveling together and the#start of gallifrey#I guess that could also count for brax too but whatever#for narvin what we’ve got is that he was above the rank of a junior agent under vansell during the time of the fourth doctor#(at least probably)#so we can make the assumption that he wasn’t fresh out of the academy/cia training#which makes me inclined to say that he’s older than romana#but that’s really all I’ve got on him#doctor who#gallifrey#romana#irving braxiatel#narvin#leela#clearly this is a subject I am normal about#if anyone else makes it this far in my rant and has any insights I’d love to hear them
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i don’t want to sound mean when saying this but as a reader who also writes i think i should remind you that small details can be as important as a good plot or a good writing.
be careful and write down notes about the story and characters individual stories like dates, ages, how/when they met or how they call each other. specially when writing long fics, multiple chapter fics or aus.
readers who read the story at the same time you’re posting it but readers who come when the story is complete will probably notice if a character ages changes in different characters while the timeline has not changed, if dates don’t make sense, etc… that doesn’t make you a bad writer but it will certainly take the reader attention away of the story for a few seconds if they notice it or if it happens repeatedly throughout the story.
hope this helps 🐰💜
#dahlia’s thoughts ✿#i’m reading an ao3 fic that i saw people on twt talking about as a twice fic classic#gnot my fav genre but it’s has a really good plot but i swear two character have been like at least three different ages#i can’t stop noticing#i feel bad talking about someone else’s writing but as a writer but as a reader…#it upsets me when is good but this things keep happening#a character not remembering someone and in the next character it’s like they know each other forever but nothing has happened in between
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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????
#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird#like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it#are u fucking insane#doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that#and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf#what about how u treated me from ages 13-16#freak#i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl#person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw#fuck u#last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not#hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi#i want to cut so bad bro#but i promised myself i wont so#i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver#just remembered her reaction to me cutting#nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no#i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care#useless mother#im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least#at least stop trying to confront me like this#just let me rot in peace#i really dont want to do this anymore#any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now#as if that isnt insulting#and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok
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Sometimes I wish I had more people interested in my creations, but then I get hit by thoughts like “Imagine the outrage you’d be faced with if your Avatar Suiren AU was more popular. This is the fandom that still cannot ‘forgive’ Korra for SOMETHING THAT WAS DONE TO HER, calling her the worst Avatar for losing the connection to her past lives (which came about because she HAD RAAVA LITERALLY RIPPED OUR OF HER) and acting like that is somehow a worse offence than, say, inaction leading to genocide. The hate you’d get for intentionally making Suiren the last Avatar would be IMMEASURABLE” and go “… actually, I’m glad that for the most part it’s just @katkastrofa and I–”
(Though then again… would it even be an AU by yours truly if it didn’t contain at least one cancellable offence? 😁)
#don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong#also Suiren is even less like Aang than Korra is. she wouldn’t stand a chance in this fandom#everyone knows most people in this fandom can’t handle angry brown girls#and Suiren is honestly on a whole different level#so yeah#I’m glad it’s not a well known thing#but her biggest offence would of course be letting go of Raava#and thus also losing the connection to her past lives and ending the Avatar cycle#her next incarnation will not be the Avatar. they’ll be just a normal EK kid#and that is the biggest crime an Avatar could ever commit#deciding to spare future generations of the burden#the Avatar should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one person#and every Avatar we know of was stuck in an endless cycle of fixing their predecessors’ mistakes#nobody deserves that. especially not a child. and the Avatars ARE discovered as children for the most part#even at 16 like Roku Kyoshi and Kuruk is still way too young for having the fate of the world on your shoulders#I’d argue any age is too young#the world can’t depend on one person to solve their problems#the avatar is ultimately human. they make mistakes. they’re biased. they can be corrupted#and not a single generation goes by without at least one world-scale threat. nothing any avatar does is every enough. it’s a thankless job#no era of peace has ever lasted long. that has to be something worked for by the world at large#ending the cycle is the correct move because then the world will not be looking to the Avatar for every issue#and will actually start sorting shit out themselves. that’s my (very correct) view of it. at least#but again. this fandom will not be able to handle that. because they care about a bunch of long dead ghosts more than living characters#I’m sorry but sparing at least one kid of the trauma that comes with being the Avatar makes losing the past lives connection worth it#to me at least. and it’s not like breaking the connection erases them from ever existing like Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. they’re remembered#just can’t be accessed anymore. and that’s okay. they deserve to rest#(forgive me for the Genshin Impact reference it was the only thing I could think of. it was a brief phase I don’t play it anymore)#anyway. idk where this rant/meta just came from. I apparently have A Lot of thoughts about this AU that aren’t limited to Kuviren smut lmao#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness
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gonna sound dumb for a minute.
actually,,,, i dont think i want to do biology💀😭
#i just read So Much#and i cant remember stuff#and its honestly not even that interesting yet at least#and tbh iregret doing this cause wtf am i even doing brooooooo#self sabotaging max#because even if i somehow pull all my exams off and get this qualifications. im not gonna actually Know the stuff#and okay my point was that even if i do get these qualifications and my grades arent low enough to totally fuck up my scores#then im gonna have to move out. Next Year. i cant do that#i cant adult#how are people my age so Grown. wtf im still 8 istg#i dont wanna move out#im gonna have to just change my plan i wanna live at home until i get kicked out#ueydhshebrhryfhry#hey if all fails i’ll just find something else to do. like work in kindergarddn that education sounds more chill#maybe its not idk im not gonna do that#anyway#i lost my point here idk what i was talking about#oh yeah i think i just dont like school#why cant i just be on my phone and have fun looking at gay stuff and talking to my friends like puhleeasseeeeeeed#do u guys think stay at home malewife that does nothing to help out is a possible option
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So guys what do I call him?
He’s one of my old Ralia characters, and I was going to say that I felt like changing his name because it was probably stupid, but as it turns out, I don’t actually have it anywhere, so I don’t know what his name was in the first place
I do know that in the original version, he was basically supposed to be part of this tribe on a mysterious island that protected this big important tree. Also that he originally was based on Knuckles and was originally a honey badger
I also know that now, design wise, his people have the distinct appearance of having black fur with white stripes (same as Striker, since I made him one of them)
Also, that their hair is tied to whatever element they use. Like for example, Striker’s got wind powers now, so he’s got hair sort of like a cloud. The guy above had water powers, so he’s got blue, flowy hair
His design is subject to change though, since I made this original design for him like a year ago, I just never got around to finishing it until now when I wanted to ask what to name him. He and Striker might switch markings, and/or I just add to his current markings
My brain’s saying just to call him River or something, but I’m not sure, hence why I’m asking here
I’d also ask for a new name for Striker, but my current priority right now is this guy, so just him is fine for now
#I also remember that his story was about him and this Rouge adjacent character#she had found her way to this mysterious island to find some treasure and they ended up meeting#he tried to get her to leave but somehow she ends up staying#and then plot or something#she doesn’t steal anything and I think she stays and they get together#it has nothing to do with the other characters but Ralia’s supposed to kind of be anthology#at least initially#until the next generation when all of this comes together#but that plot needs some work#and heavy rewrites since characters have changed their ages and the pairings are no long viable#but anyways I’m getting ahead of myself#help with this guy please#original characters#my art#questions
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ghezikjfjekzjkezn i cannot fucking WAIT to move out
#my mom went in my room while i was gone AGAIN#and she threw out stuff AGAIN#it wasnt even the guest room i squat in. i wasnt even gone 24 hours. it was MY room the one nobody else ever has to interact with.#she threw out the carboard boxes i wanted to keep to see if i could craft smth with them#and i knowwww i have a hoarding problem but man. it was a couple of packs of cereals. it was nothing.#i want to throw out everything i've ever fucking owned i want to live in an EMPTY APPARTEMENT i want to own nothing but a mattress#im going to try to talk to her reasonably about it#and like. i feel like a monster because theoretically it's lovely and in credibly nice of her to clean my room#but i did not fucking ask!! holy shit i think i'm old enough to have some fucking responsability over how my room is#it was rank but it's MY room it's out of the way nobody else ever HAS to go in#and i understand i understand yes age is a factor but also as long as i live w my parents (or anybody else) ill have to compromise some#but holy shit!! what if it's filthy? let me live in my filth until i learn to clean it up properly#you could at least fucking ASK. or WARN me. or i dont know. mind your fucking business.#jesus christ im starting to remember why i dont ask for help#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove
#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy#(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly#for an hour#always felt like such s draining burden#and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself#as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day#i did sports i went hiking in forests#but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things#because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence#despite being something that i actively enjoyed#and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely#like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back#around to shame or guilt just about always#anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person#ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days#and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge#to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen#even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen#but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note#crazy how complicated it can be to be a person#it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house#and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your#but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime#but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller
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For all the teething I've been doing on Pavo and Esti i haven't been able to like, actually write any thing for them recently mostly because I've been Busy.
But also because I'm snapping between like 3 ideas for them at terminal velocity and haven't been able to actually get anything written for them and it's like having pumas bouncing around my skull at mach fuck as though theyre house cats at 2 am when you're trying to sleep,
#idea one is the day after things start changing and they haven't discussed it fully yet.#Pavo is mulling over some things and Esti is too nervous to ask about it. but they're alone out hunting#its such a nice day. and Esti thinks hes going to be saying goodbye soon. and hes making himself sick with anxiety over it#and they're alone together like old times but its Not like old times because Esti remembers how sweetly Pavo had kissed him that#morning after and how good it had felt to spend the whole morning in bed cureld up against him.#and Esti doesnt think he could stomach the idea of leaving without getting another kiss or at least finding out if Pavo regretted it or not#and the story is them being sweet on each other and avoiding the big heavy topic until Esti can verbally ask about it. because like Pavo#knows him well enough to know whats eating him up. but he wants to hear Esti say the words#and then the second idea is Esti waking up from a nightmare after hes been brought home from that hell. he screams for Pavo and#like of course pavo is on his feet and at the door that separates their rooms in an instant. but its locked and Esti is too#scared to navigate to it because hes already wound up and hes still not used to life as a blind man. so the idea of getting out of bed#and crossing an open room with nothing to help him orient himself is Terrifying.#probably more than it should be but the nightmares are still fresh in his head and hes having to make himself focus and ignore them#and just reasure himself that it Actually is Pavo and not one of those monster that had used his voice. and its hard hes crying and Pavo#has to take down part of the fucking door frame to get the sliding door off its tracks without just busting it down since Esti didn't#need that particular audio experience right now and he liked that doors painting and Pavo had already sent for the craftsperson who#made his eyes to commission them to make a set for esti. and he doesn't want to destroy something pretty esti likes when itll only be a few#until esti can enjoy it again. and he gets into the room and esti scooches over in bed to welcome him into it because despite Everything#esti still will always feel safer pinned between a wall and Pavo than anywhere else. and he just needs to feel safe.#and the third thing is because of something deardest said a yesterday i think about Pavo in his old age. and im just Chewing on the image#of him and esti in his carriage. Esti's hair has gone white and hes nearing his end. and thentwo of them are together and happy#and able to reflect on the lives they've had together. and its mostly just the idea of Pavo being glad hes so much older than Esti. because#it means despite Esti only being half demon and having a much shorter life because of it. Pavo isnt going to outlive him by very long.#and All of this. Everything was because of how scared Pavo was to be alone. and hes not going to have to be in his last days.#so Yeah. thats been whats on my mind when im not devoting it to like lame shit like work#wow im bad at reading#their url is derederest#not deardest
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though i eventually got to read some, in earlier years goosebumps books would be the kind of series where i'd just ponder the cover art, and i always liked the drama of the monster blood illustration (the lighting/colors....sure nothing's happening in it but i felt it evoked the drama of "what if you're downstairs and something's upstairs" much like "what if you're upstairs and something's downstairs") like well too bad i guess i never got around to reading i at the time. but as of a recap yesterday i'm surprised to now be at least 90% sure i read part if not all of it, and thinking i hadn't may be due to how kind of nothing happens in it
#absolutely nothing familiar until ''there's a dog named trigger & the kid at one point has to rescue trigger from choking'' like Aha#for sure still remember various Events & Details from gb books i Know i've read....#welcome to dead house; the ghost next door maybe my most well absorbed ones lol. lot going on in those definitely#let's get invisible. some choose your own adventure varieties. calling all creeps. oh the haunted mask ofc; all time classic....#definitely hadn't read the phantom of the auditorium; reading it as an adult was a delight#things on the other side or the middle of the stairs it's just like skinamarink heck for real#itself like well that's absolutely the horror of being kids if not ''kids' horror'' lol#but that aspect is always inherently present in kids' horror...always surrounded by mysteries & lack of power/autonomy & fairly isolated...#anyways had a parent whose Disapproval Mode could be set off by various media available to kids my age so that was a minefield#(same parent thought it was inappropriate for some tv 14 rated programs to be available in a house solely ft. adults so there you are)#at least at first was of the ''horror for children?? inappropriate'' approach about it. i didn't check the books out of libraries ever#but eventually must've calmed down abt that b/c we Did own some & that's how i read most of ones i did#too late i was always a kid intrigued by / seeking out horror materials....john bellairs books which got pretty wild....#much less so as an adult b/c horror gets worse (& not in any good way) aimed for teens / adults like lord. You Do Not Get It#anyways turns out monster blood is probably riffing off the blob mostly but it's like not thee blob until way later#so most of the book wouldn't really be that memorable if it's 80% ''and then here was another weird thing abt the gunk''#but i would remember like oh no the dog is in mortal peril :( nooo trigger (trigger was fine)#sure didn't misremember that in welcome to dead house the dog went missing & was implicitly killed over Sensing The Deadness#appreciated that element in phantom of the auditorium where they're hanging out at zeke's & he has a dog#& secret but really just chilling painting sets & very corporeal ghost brian is like ''aw cmon...'' at that dog Not Liking Him#which is some barking & not being enthused abt brian's efforts to play fetch w/a ball lmao#but only to a mild degree like yeah he's not doing anything. brooke & zeke witnessing this simply like lol lmao#that trio is sooo funny. ghost just hanging out; So nervous; ending up dragged into the friend duo absolute menaces hellions lmao....#the paint on his shirt bit. just the way the whole back & forth of 4 ppl goes; it kills Me....
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It’s almost 6 a.m and I can’t sleep because I’m being plagued by thoughts of The Latest OC
#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#Jia is genuinely making me lose my mind#right now the aftermath interests me a bit more because I live for emotional whump and angst#just.. imagine being her parents#you beg for your daughter’s life and your plea is listened to. she’s released. having proved herself useless. you barely recognise her#she’s nothing like the upbeat and cheerful girl you raised who loved working in this palace. who loved her lady#she’s so thin. hollow cheeks and empty eyes. she barely reacts to anything but Lord Jusamah’s voice which makes her flinch#you’re afraid to even hug her in case she disappears like a ghost would. something is very very wrong with her#you remember the rumours that she was tortured for the information. she looks like she’s starving#it’s clear she was hurt. she wouldn’t act like this if she wasn’t. you’re scared to think of what is hidden beneath her clothes#you want to lunge at Lord Jusamah and strangle him with your bare hands. inflict everything he’s done to your daughter on him tenfold#but you can’t. he’s rich and you aren’t. he has power and you don’t. if you try.. none of you are seeing the sun ever again#you barely care. it would be worth it. but you have two other children to worry about. and Jia deserves her freedom#so all you can do is drop to your knees. press your forehead to the floor. and thank him for his kindness#you tell Jia that you’re taking her home. alertness returns to her for but a moment#‘home?’ her whisper sounds so sad. so broken. you can barely stand it#you rush home as fast as you can. she’s so skittish it hurts. she feels the sun on her face and doesn’t move for a good 10 minutes#you can’t bring yourself to say anything. one of you goes ahead to warn the family so the children won’t crowd her#you finally make it to your house and Jia looks at it as if it was a mirage. she touches the wall to ensure it’s real#the first thing you do is help her take a bath. the sight of her back fuels you with bloodlust. there’s no untouched spot on it#your sweet gentle girl was whipped until criss crossing scars covered every last inch. it must have been hell#you bandage her wounds and take her to eat. she gorges herself on it as if someone would take it away. some light returns to her eyes#she always had a good appetite. at least that didn’t change. after lunch you let her sleep in your own bed#instead of making her share with her siblings and cousins. she needs space. she passes out the second her head hits the pillow#you stay and keep watch. and when the first night terror occurs. you’re ready. her screams are impossibly loud#you wake her. calm her down and hold her hand as she falls back asleep. recovery won’t be an easy road#but you walk it anyway. and with time. she gets better. she returns to her old self. only some traces of that horror remain#she’s happy again. smiles a lot. helps out. plays with the younger kids. she’s the Jia you know and love#she has nightmares. her scars hurt. no one touches her back. she’s paranoid about food. but she’ll be okay. you’re sure of it#(I reached the tag limit again but at least I said all I had in mind. but I could probably ramble on about this for ages…)
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