#( journal from another life ).
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24.08.23, thursday
I’ve been treating my journal like a podcast where I just keep rambling while doing things that give me anxiety. Getting the anxieties out right away and feels like I have some emotional support there even tho it’s just me & my journal. Sure it takes a bit longer bc u’re basically doing 2 things, but at least something’s getting done u know?
#got that idea from my fave podcast where he was doing that podcast while packing etc bc he didn’t want to back so helped to have#another side project there so u’re not just doing the thing u don’t want to do#and like I don’t and will never have a podcast bc ew can not talk for thr life of me so journaling is it for me#bookblr#studyblr#booklr#aesthetic#study#books#reading#read#book#studyspo#dark academia#chaotic academia#august 2023#2023
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☀️
#y’all know when it’s a Doing Things Day?#well today I slept in way less than I wanted to and then decided I can’t take a nap to try to reset my sleep schedule#so I went and did some sight singing of choral pieces with friends (lamentations of Jeremiah/o vos omnes and Armistice 1918 took. me. out.)#as in they went so well (helped that half the people had done them before)#and then picked up two things from buy nothing#returned my friend’s wrench set#convinced another sister to come to weekend warrior with me#got some shoes I needed and two nice shirts at the thrift store#got art supplies I needed at dollar tree and ran into a deacon from my church there and had a nice chat#went grocery shopping#ran into an old friend who lives in another state in the grocery store??#called my boyfriend for a while while washing dishes#touched up a painting#read my first Terry Pratchett book (Equal Rites - it was amusing and enjoyable but not super special to me)#(I know there’s so much more! just dipping my toes in)#made dinner and prepped some extra things for future meals#spent hours going through little things I’d saved and pasting them into a journal#now going to read and annotate Life Together before bed#is this what it’s like when you get up and stay awake????#is this what y’all do?
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The Endless Hike
Met him Last night at Subway with Joseph.
Josh, out of jail Tuesday; Hit by a car Saturday. red satin sheets Monday.
Josh 6’2” Usually muscular. Post 4 months K unit (max housing at the jail) Being run over by a car Must rely on a stranger.
Me.
Cornbeef hash. A piece of toast was Precious (to Josh) Mediterranean (restaurant)
“That House (My house) Is a Healing House— A place For the Wounded Warrior To Heal. A Rest stop On the Endless Hike."
End of margin note
Headed to San Fransisco
More from there.
#another tale from my year of homeless encounters 2017#journaling#writing#homeless work#homelessness#jail life#life on the street#one of the homeless men I met told me that homelessness is an endless hike
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Hello praying people, I'm not doing well and would really appreciate your prayers right now <3
#long very boring and unnecessarily detailed tag monologue incoming‚ feel free to skip:#this is going to sound like a silly thing to be hitting rock bottom over#but i’m fairly certain i have a semi-rare skin condition known as sensitive skin syndrome#which is basically where skin gets progressively more sensitive#until it won’t tolerate the topical application of anything at all without getting irritated#usually it happens to people on the skin of their face and i have it there but i also specifically have it on my lips#(which apparently is extremely not normal; i found a dermatologist’s case study from like 2019 of one woman who had it on her lips#and according to this case study there were no other cases of people having it on their lips#in all the dermatological literature he had read)#i can’t follow the protocol which all the journal articles i’ve been able to find say is helpful for the rest of the face which is basicall#leave the area the heck alone for at least a year#because if i don’t apply anything to my lips for more than two or three days they will get so dry they crack and bleed#so it’s looking like one way or another i may be having to deal with dry burning irritated lips for the rest of my life#and i’m not dealing with the thought of that very well#i’ve already suffered so much anguish from extreme sensitivity on the rest of my face#and not being able to take proper care of the skin there#and this is just too much for me#i know God is allowing this for a reason but it’s filling me with so much frustration and panic and despair that i don’t know how to go on#but i must and i will#this isn’t a serious or a life-threatening condition but it’s looking like a pretty hopeless one and it’s hurting me badly#and i would appreciate prayers that it would just be healed or that i would know what to do#i think i will try going to my dermatologist but somehow i doubt she's even heard of sensitive skin syndrome#on a COMPLETELY unrelated note i'm just about to get my period and also for two days i've ''eaten'' nothing but vegetable smoothies#and those in pretty small amounts because they're disgusting#(do a detox my hormonal health doctor said)#(it'll be fun she said)#ok if you read this far you're so brave braver than any u.s. marine etc.#thanks for reading ily <3
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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.
*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*
No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.
#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it#It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting#Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't#/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now#that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either#and I really struggle with that a lot of the time#Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but#they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa#can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same#2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie#drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi#smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic#Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by#offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another#food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me#they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the#concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and#pour all my savings into an ipad#YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world#But you can't help what gets you down#EMMs Journal#EMM's Journal
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Naw but the way Charles literally has a spidey sense when somethings wrong with the boys 😭🙏💖💖
#jane journals#self insert talk#🍞 my bread and butter 🍞#he said 'i sense...a disturbance'#HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT THEM#yeah they make him money and its literally his livelihood#but we do see him make an effort to show his appreciation for them and such#THE EPISODE WHERE THEY JUST WANNA HANG OUT WITH HIM AND THEYRE SAD THAT HE'S TOO BUSY 😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖😭💖#hes SO their mom#and the toki hug still gets me i gotta draw fanart for that moment 🤧🤧#and hgghh ok another part that still gets me is when hes initiating that klokateer and talking about the job description#saying that itll be dangerous and thankless and every time he says smth like that it cuts to a moment from HIS life#he really DOESNT get an ounce of appreciation for what he does#but he still does it anyway#id like to show him that appreciation 🥺🥺👉👈💖💖💖#ugh how did i regress so BADLY#i didnt think id be obsessing over a middle aged white guy again im so sorry guys#i thought i was better 😭😭
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im so sosry for ranting abour this again but auhgufhgh im making a ref sheet of my ocs for myself beacse EVERYTIME I DRAW THEM THEY LOOK SOOOSK DIFFERENT os i thoguht maybe this can help me memorize their faces but EVEN THO IM USING GUIDELINES THE SAME CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE DIFFERENT PEOPLE ITS JUST A HEAD TURN AROUND I CANT DO THIS I FEEL SO VIOLENT WHY IS MY ART STYLE HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS HOWWWWWWW DO I FIX THIS
#everytime when im drawing any of my ocs and someone mixes them up with another oc my heart shatters to 7463874693 pieces#that either means everyone i draw looks the same or the same oc i draw looks so different every time#at that point they just went with whoever they think is the closest#im having the hardest time making my sentences right now what is going on my talkşng abilites have went down to zero#no like also ive always struggled w same face syndrome without realising#all my art life i had ocs that looked exactly the same from an outsiders view but they looked sososooo different to me#like i just erased my ocs frrom existence when i was 12 cuz everyone mixed them up and it frustrated me so bad#and i look back at that era AND THEY REALLY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME I CANT TELL WHO IS WHO#AND THIS KEPT HAPPENING until i got into sims which pushed me to egt out of my comfort zone#this is why its very important to be obsessed with the ugliest character u can find ^_^(NERVOUS SUBJECT)#and now im scared i once again convinced myslef that my ocs look very different when they actually arent#ok maybe this is a transitional period from having a same face syndrome to being able depict different kinds of people#and im in between rn cuz since im nnot used to this i just cant draw the same face again#and everytime i draw it loks like a dfifferent stuyle whatfevrrrr whatevr#wow writing down your feelings really do work maybe i should get a journal#ramblings
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a look into yuta and toge's couple dorm life
(template by pckgmeat)
#i just think yuta plays takashi kokubo's music bc it helps him sleep/have a peaceful time#i really tried to nail the average japanese self-help book cover vibe lol i hope i did#ive drawn toge reading skip to loafer before so naturally he also reads hirayasumi#which i highly recommend for slice of life enjoyers by the way#kinda regret drawing toge's cursed speaker bc i think i could have drawn something else that showed his personality more#well ill say it here#it would have been a personal planner/journal plastered with splatoon and panda stickers#the stickers are slipped in between the cover and a protective sleeve he does not stick them directly onto the planner itself#it must be said#ive also talked about this before in another artwork but toge takes his stationary very seriously#the first years have observed this and actually chipped in to get a expensive gift card from his favorite stationary store for his bday#they also know which store because they all go on shopping trips ! and that's canon#as you can see i have a lot to say about this and i love it. brainrot is a wonderful thing#in contrast to toge enjoying cooking at home maki is a restaurant/cafe connoisseur#she enjoys eating toge's food too but really finds joy in eating out and exploring all the food tokyo has to offer. mostly unhealthy food#that's why yuta looks out for chances to get food coupons and brochures about new eateries in the city#a thoughtful person to his friends#he's always thinking of them#ok im done for now but i have more to say. will continue in another post lol#thank you for reading !#ottoge#inuokko#inumaki toge#inumaki#okkotsu yuuta#okkotsu yuta#yuuta#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#art
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remember my debate about if there could or should be magazines in Campoestela? Well, my idea now is that since the FTL system cuts you away from radio communications (and, in any case, most communications are difficult to maintain in space, with light-minutes or even light-days of delay), there's not such thing as the ultra-fast internet we're used to in space. So physical media proves itself popular again; courier data spaceships do deliver data, but spacers in general keep computers loaded with stuff to do and watch.
NOW ABOUT MAGAZINES: my idea is that spacer communities are close-knit like big widespread clubs and they have lots to talk about, but for obvious reasons they can't really use social media or blogs, so like many others, Beto's spacer syndicate/union publishes a monthly magazine in paper (gasp!), Astronaútica Popular. The format is not of a short magazine, it's big, like a scientific journal or more obviously issues of old magazines like those my dad had. Sold in every spaceport of the Esteloplatense Confederation, it has everything: announcements by the union and letters to the editors, spaceship reviews, tech tips, lifestyle articles, tales and interviews, personal ads, columns, and lots of drama, because astronauts love to argue, columnists arguing with each other about pointless minuteae of spacesuits over months and months. And that includes Beto.
the idea is a scene where Beto is slumped on the pilot chair reading the latest issue with a mate on hand and muttering "este Ramírez de vuelta escribiendo pelotudeces sobre reactores de ciclo abierto, dale sí mucho delta-v y donde te metés la radiación después?" and then writing a very angry letter to the editor about it
#cosas mias#that part of Beto's personality is from my contacts with ham radio/auto/tech enthusiasts (and myself with science journals)#I'm sure he was interviewed (THE LIFE OF A DELIVERY PILOT: SEE THE BARRILETE CLASS!) too and has it framed somewhere#campoestela#another key part of Beto's personality is that he acts like a 50 years old dad while he's like. 25. With no kids.
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one day i won’t start crying the second i leave my college friends to board a train! today is not that day!
#caroline talks#i’m so dramatic lmao we all live in the same state/practically the same state#but it’s been a brutal month so far and a really brutal and sad last few weeks#and my friends walked me down to the train station i used to go on every time i returned from home#and i realized very suddenly that this was the first time i was going to this station with my friends#and for some reason that made me tear up#i don’t know. i got hugs from all my friends and they yelled ‘WE LOVE YOU’ as i walked off#and i think that’s what did it!#whatever! I feel so lucky to have friends where i can just sit and listen to them#and everyone is kind to one another#and makes sure no one is interrupted#and also makes sure that no one is hogging the conversation at a time#and it’s just. not me dumping all this when i should be journaling#but.#i remember someone once tried to learn why i was sad and they later used that to hurt me some more#but my friends know i am sad sometimes and instead they look at that sadness#and go ‘let’s eat food. let’s walk around. let’s jump into the water.’#and i don’t know.#i love my friends a lot. whenever i’m around them i feel like life will be okay.#and you know!#if i had to go through all my broken and sad friendships in order to meet the friends i have now.#then i’d gladly go through all of it again! just to now have friends#who walk me to the train station and hug me goodbye
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I need to print out or pin that post somewhere about taking breaks from dnp to just like focus on your own life bc they’ll always be there I’ve been an avid viewer since 2014 only taking a small break sometime in between the hiatus but obviously like everyone else my online phannieism has come back full force since the comeback i only started using tumblr again around december but I would use another blog just to lurk and like posts I made this blog less than 2 months ago which is insane to me I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives since then and it’s been so much fun being able to interact with other phannies and share my thoughts in a way that I haven’t interacted with the phandom since like 2015 but it has also rapidly increased my brainrot i already spent most of my free time just rewatching old videos and edits but I’ve noticed since like gamingmas my mind is constantly occupied with dnp and posting and whether my ask got answered and like I’m unemployed lmao so it’s all fun and games to a certain point but I’m also a student and I genuinely think me being weak and flawed in the brain and getting easily distracted has derailed me in my last semester of uni which is kind of not good I’m like oh lol it’s so funny and relatable I just love dnp!!! but there’s also phannies in med school and other stuff which is great and I genuinely feel like I’m holding myself back personally and professionally with how much time I spend thinking about them again I don’t think it’s a bad thing I just need to train myself into being More Normal and maybe blocking off times for blogging and watching and actually focusing on my life y’know
#this makes me sound so pathetic but I’m being honest a lot of my time revolves around them and thinking about them#I think another thing is that I get a rush from people liking my posts but I’m not in any phannie group chats#or have irl friends I can talk to them about#I think at least that would make it easier to get thoughts out instead of having to consider how I want to write them out for a post#i also only lurk on phannie twit bc some posts are fun but you have to be way too involved on there#any time in my life I’ve been an active twitter user in a fandom has been the worst most unproductive high screen time periods of my life#can’t have that rn tumblr is enough fun and distraction for me#I already know I’m not going to take my own advice lmao it’s not like an addiction I do have a life outside of dnp#they just make me happy and all their content is so comforting#nightly over sharing over sorry to anyone reading this I have enough shit to journal about this blog is my phannie journal#i say all this while knowing I have an assignment due tomorrow but I’m about to make tit tour bracelets#and rewatch massive pizza mukbang 2 for the 4th time#yolo#dnp#my thots
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giggling at the fact i'm 6 months off finishing my degree and i'm genuinely considering another career path 🤠
#if i don't giggle i'll cry#it's a long and complicated path but it makes sense#it's stupid but before all this work i had nothing to get me into another programme#now i'm 6 months from being done and looking at dipolmas for journalism#because all i've ever wanted to do is write#calling this my quarter life crisis too#if i think too much about it i might just fall apart#v talks#too much
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Wisteria Blooms
I was walking home today when I realized the wisteria hanging from the tree on the hill had already started falling off.
I had meant to take a picture of it last week because I thought it was so pretty. I didn’t think it would be gone so soon.
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I wonder what else I’ve missed my chance to do because I didn’t think it was the right time.
#missed chances#i hope this isn’t as bad as I feel like it is#my actual thoughts from yesterday#feeling like a tortured poet#poetry#poem#poets on tumblr#poetblr#writers and poets#poetic#journal#journal entry#writers#writers on tumblr#female writers#writblr#writeblr#writerscommunity#writing#life is complicated#in another life#happy spring#napowrimo
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stolen car smell
waterlogged with holy water
ants feasting on a baby bird
you need to clean your bathroom there’s more to bleach
start in the bedroom
grey day; all fog and cloud
room temperature ginger ale
“go to hell” he says “go to hell”
the dollar store is closed
#evidence of life#i suppose this /is/ poetry in the way that /everything/ is poetry but this is literally just from journaling lmao so i will tag accordingly#/ not a debut of my writing everyone go home /silly#it would be titled and stuff maybe i should have a journaling tag outside the project#also yes the grammar is supposed to be like that#not that care much about grammar when i journal#calling it ‘the project’ still is tickling me pink first it was out of necessity (ever make something but can’t give it a name?)#then i wanted it to be a surprise and now it’s out of habit it’s just so silly how something so inconsequential#is draped in words that sound important when it’s just experimental howling from another freak on a damn autopsy table used as an altar#log#<- journal tag ?? i think actually made on when i was posting my meals or whatever but im pretty sure i won’t like it anymore#log is sturdy and neutral
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Don’t be like me
After healing a blister for 1 week, I try to do treadmill walks again, I get a blister on my ankle so I can’t wear shoes OR socks without being in pain or making the blister worse.
I don’t know if I should point out but small wounds hurt a ridiculous amount for me, while I can ignore my headaches up to a certain time, this is just impossible- and my feet are stupidly sensitive.
So I was like; WHY NOT TRY BAREFEET.
Do not barefeet the threadmill, PLEASE, I REPEAT. DO NOT DO THIS. DON’T BE LIKE ME.
I can’t fucking walk and I don’t heal fast so. I’m suffering, my feet feel like they are on fire.
Can my body not be disabled for one day please? ugghhguhgughgh.
#health be like#life update#journal#diary#im coping#dont judge me#my persona already judges me#i forgot i burned my feet this morning when i stood up and nearly fell over from shock#theyre not literal burns#my feet are sore and red though#i'll be fine#its just another tuesday#blisters everywhere#big hurt#i am big mad but its just another tuesday#this is fine
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do u ever just find continuous signs tht ur not meant to be here
#i hate feeling this way#the loneliness#the paranoia tht everyone hates me and tht im an awful person tht doesn’t deserve to be here#the emptiness yet filled w so many uncomfortable emotions#the desire to kill myself to run away from this turmoil#the memories of trauma and the memories of the way i was dealing w it#it all feels so heavy#I’m so lost within myself and surroundings#constantly getting high to not think or deal w emotion#to block out the thoughts#i feel haunted#i feel like im waiting for death#it’s the only thing i have in my control#i don’t want to do it but i just don’t think there’s another way for me#it’s been too many years surviving trying to breathe and have a life#i don’t want to hurt my family or friends but i really can’t stand being here#i dont ever think i was meant to live a full life#journal
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