#( FINALLY REPLIES HERE I AM )
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man��#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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Alenoah, where Noah cares about Alejandro, more than Alejandro's family did:
Noah: I will now torture you.
Alejandro: Kinky!~
Noah: I think you are brilliant and beautiful.
Alejandro: Wait!
Noah: You deserve to be cared for and loved, despite your mistakes.
Alejandro: No!
Noah: Your feelings and needs are valid, and deserve to be heard.
Alejandro: I need a safeword! 😳
Real.
#almost went on a whole rant here about how alejandro wouldn't know how to process unconditional care and support--#for himself as a person instead of the praise he receives for his persona/mask/“charming” act#and also how this ties in to him being starved for genuine affection/love which is why it's so ironic shipping him with noah of all people#since noah is not the type to show a lot of affection. at least not publicly- and even when he does it's usually veiled behind a layer of--#sarcasm and/or prickliness. he's like a hedgehog.#but noah WOULD absolutely break out the big guns once he's realised just how fucked up alejandro's home life and subsequent psyche is#“i am going to hurt you emotionally”#“do your best”#“i love and cherish you as a person and expect nothing in return. i care about you and your feelings. you're my top priority.”#cue alejandro ugly crying into a tub of ice cream#noah's trying to comfort him (awkwardly) but it's making it worse because noah caring about him even at his worst is The Issue#alejandro gets to have a breakdown over finally having a healthy relationship. as a treat.#total drama#td alejandro#td noah#alenoah#others' ideas#ophe's ranting in the tags again#replies
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#me and my friend are noticing a strange thing where aether keeps it mid but everywhere else we've tried so far takes it north#so we are now curious#im expecting less jp/oce replies since tumblr is mostly NA and EU players from what ive seen and the poll was already big so you guys share#dynamis isnt here bc it's still baby and queues are garbage on it#i am a small blog so reblogs to get more results are appriciated#ffxiv#final fantasy xiv
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it’s all the rest of what i want with you
connor dewar/brandon duhaime :: 8k
Summary:
“Brandon,” Connor says with a sigh. “There’s no baby in there.”
“Not yet,” Brandon says. Connor feels his stomach twist, almost like what he would imagine a baby kicking to feel like.
in these trying times of dewvorce, may i offer you 8k of pwp inspired by @stillfertile’s wonderful art which i had. several breakdowns about 🫶 anyway please enjoy!!!
#OFFICIAL FIC ANNOUNCEMENT 🗣️🗣️🗣️‼️‼️‼️ i wish i had pretty fic graphics but alas i have No Skill and also. so much work i should be doing bu#HI SHE’S HERE i would love to say this is a complete surprise drop except i have Anxiety & i needed to ask you guys about it beforehand#in my defense i started writing this in like. january far before any tragedy occurred#because square asked about my tags on their dewey2 art and she spawned like. a million more thoughts about it#including the part where i got absolutely kicked in the face with the lightning vision of those two lines.#like those two lines are the first actual lines of the fic i wrote ajdhkwdiowdjiw ANYWAY please be nice to me i know i am always like#‘this is not the first real fic i ever thought i’d post’ and if i had a nickel i’d have three but this is the first pwp i’ve ever posted#and it’s 8k and it’s not a fic for an exchange (although technically i did very much write this for the dewey^2 hivemind so.)#i have SO many things to say i have so many comments on this doc also i couldn’t pick a title for the LONGEST time and i finally decided on#this one but the full quote was too long:#all the rest of what i want with you that scares me shitless#so. i was angling SO hard to make a yung gravy lyric as a title bc i saw the video of him at a wild game but i couldn’t find a good one#and instead y’all got a very sentimental title l m a o.#liv in the replies#shout out to the extended universe this lives in and also my unhinged comments in the docs.#if you liked fun fuck a baby in him friday i’ll be here all week i promise i am the exact same in the comments as i am in the tags 🫡#the NUMBER of times i wrote something in this by pulling it out of my ass and then actually went back and did the research & was RIGHT is.#far too high. also the amount of coincidental things that dropped while i was writing this (yung gravy song about pregnancy AFTER i wheeze#laughed myself into a yung gravy title the athletic player poll confirming my restaurant & bar choices from googling ‘st. paul good bars’…)#also if anybody got advice on formatting for these little announcements. help. this is different from my miro/luka one &i’m still not happy
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I find it interesting that most of a non-WIP fic’s comments happen in the first couple of days of posting, but the kudos keeps going up - by quite a lot, sometimes, over time. (By non-WIP, I mean one shots or finished multi chapters).
I know everyone has their reasons for leaving comments or not, and I’m very grateful for all the interaction I receive anyway - but I hope people know that for many of us authors, a comment on a two month old (or a two year old) fic is just as exciting and fun as our latest WIP! It is not weird in the slightest, I promise, and we will appreciate it.
(I know, it’s been said thousands of times, but always worth saying again).
#cabbage writes#if you’ve ever commented I love you#and probably screenshotted it#plus you WILL get a reply#if you keyboard smash at me#I will keyboard smash back#nothing but excitement here <3#if you comment to let me know you’re RE-reading I will die on the spot#if you say ‘second kudos’ I am kissing you on the nose#and finally if you’re a quiet reader I still appreciate you deeply <3#just know that if you have something you’d like to say#I probably want to hear it!
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honestly it's been really healing being back to actively contributing things and writing out thoughts on tumblr the last week or so, because while twitter tends to be easier for me to write out Thoughts on without getting overwhelmed, the environment in the twitter fandom circles i'm interested in is not only infested with antis but cliqueish in a way that is caustic to the fucking soul if you try to express a thought that's more than three sentences long--a hundred times over if you're autistic in slightly the wrong way--and it's incredibly reassuring to come back to an environment where the very kindest and most inclusive people toward you are not clearly thinking the r-slur the entire time they interact with you lmao
#whosebaby talks#took an incident of just open petty cruelty the other day for me to finally go#you know what all of this is doing a huge number on my self-esteem and scrupulosity and social anxiety and mental health overall#sometimes it pays to hold out and give the benefit of the doubt#when your knee-jerk reaction is to think something Must Be a Sign of Shitty Intent; bc often it will turn out that wasn't the case at all#but unfortunately sometimes it turns out people are in fact just being shitty in exactly the way you thought they were#and at the *very* best you are incompatible in such a way that if they don't have bad intentions you're just never going to be able to tell#or well. not even necessarily bad *intentions*; just shitty behavior that's harmful to you regardless of whether they mean well#sometimes you just gotta accept that even if neither of you *is* being shitty it's not worth your peace of mind to never be able to confirm#and it's better to just save both of you the stress and not try to pursue that.#it fuckin sucks when it's people you think are cool and really want to get to know; it's a hard lesson to learn; but it's the way sometimes#......and then sometimes the confirmation you finally get is that yeah okay this is some bullshit#and not in a way that can likely be communicated past; no matter how much effort you make to be kind; clear; and mature#and being publicly humiliated for carefully trying to yes-and some clarification on meta of mine#which was being used in ways i was deeply uncomfortable with; and had had no warning would take the turn that it did#and which was contributing to the original post gaining traction in the first place#all targeted in ways pretty much tailor-made to hurt someone with specific issues they had seen me talk about + acknowledged#was just. yeah i think i'm done here lmao#i am Not someone who takes down meta once posted#so the fact that it was bad enough to make me delete an entire thread really says something lol#anyway. lots of other context there; and i appreciate that in some ways the person was genuinely trying to be kind; but i'm. yeah.#that shit Hurted Extremely; and made me realize that while i'm not the *most* well-socialized or articulate or approachable#there is just something in the water over there and no amount of The Problem Not Being Me would have mattered#and the nice asks/replies/comments i've gotten both recently and during hibernation make me feel warm inside; thank y'all <3#the salt files#bullying cw#ableism cw
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#me quietly to myself: am i finally ready... to follow the skz people blogs I've been living at for at least a year now anyway?..#I'm with my usual bullshit pay me no mind#people who already know know ajhsjd#this thing where i can't follow new people because the dash seems overwhelming as it is#(and by new people i mean people whose blogs I've been visiting daily for a year yes)#and recently yes im feeling like my dash is actually a bit overwhelming#i sometimes can't even catch up with it after i wake up (a thing that is normal to want and possible to archive)#but also im literally like at the skz people's territory all day every day#spending more time over there than on my dash#like maybe it's time#besides today with the livestream and everything#i was sitting there so cozy thinking like ah we're watching this together it's so nice#the only thing that would make the experience better is me actually FOLLOWING PEOPLE#anyway I'll sleep on it and like again pay me no mind this is the brain issues i just seem to have#still such a funny problem to have#as far as I'm concerned most people on tumblr follow so many more blogs#and i get overwhelmed with just a few#you'd think I'm not having fun on here but thats not true#but i am in fact always have more fun on here when i manage to psspspsp someone with the same interest#i love tags reblogs replies i love these interactions#and the funny little follow button makes all this so muuuuch easier#alas the brain bugs that are eating my brain are never asleep#but still I'm gonna go sleep and im gonna just be chill about all this#thanks for coming to the least making sense ted talk#chattering
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i am the most sleepy girl you'll ever see
#woke up did routine had something & then went back to sleep again then woke up checked messages replied had a lil chat with her cause she's#to leave today & then went back to sleep now woke up again & i am sleepy as fuck still either i am sick or my body is finally forcing me to#get all the sleep i need#if you don't see me here in next 3 hours yk what i am doing. sleeping
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h hi
#update to anyone who cares:#i am.. unfortunately...still alive#i wont be for long#but uh yeah hi just wanted to drop by before i absolutely demolish myself again#with final thesis defense tomorrow as well as some sort of short exam (???? or like long quiz) on gen math about to eat me alive tomorrow#to say that#i missed you all#i believe its only 2 more weeks#2 more weeks and i'll be free#i can properly finish the reqs and write the mash village au thing#until then i can only pop in from time to time#reply to some old asks or write shitty drabble#i genuinely miss being on here and interacting#how r u moots how r u kyoghuries
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I am back, it seems!
#[ ooc. ]#and i even managed to do some writing#i am having a free day today so i will be around here#trying to write#and finally reply to my ooc messages#but i might still be slow#not sure why#but i am mentally drained#and phycically exhausted#irl was not too kind recently#but that's also all right
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some days you just have to appreciate the comedy of life
#unbelievable. so today i was stressed and pissed off about having to deal with job stuff#i may be going to that other job. not sure yet. but the manager there wants to set up an interview w me and the client which is good#so i gotta call him today to set that up for next week which like ough phone call#and im also figuring my current manager is gonna wanna talk w me today now that hes back from vacation#abt the whole shitshow situation w me and my supervisor and how im staying here but she still wanted to hire someone else#so im dreading that conversation too. but then! i decide to innocently check my email#and i FINALLY HAVE GOTTEN A FUCKING REPLY FROM THE PERSON I EMAILED OVER A MONTH AGO#about the weird situation. AND THEY ASK ME.#IF I AM AWARE OF ANY CONTINUATION OF THE SITUATION. YOU BET I FUCKING AM!!!!!!#so that will be a delightful email to reply to. im cackling#who even cares abt the job stuff anymore i got this now#i could never be as funny as life is naturally. weird shit just happens
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#(I'm alive)#(I'm honestly still not okay but... don't worry about me.)#(I'm at least finally out of that state of mind)#(When you have to deal with being used and still being spoken to and treated like you are the shittiest thing to be placed on this earth)#(Every single day)#(You eventually start to believe it yourself)#(And then being... betrayed again by someone you love has kind of been the final nail for me this period)#(I still feel like throwing up when I try to come on here to speak to anyone)#(But I'm alive)#(I always fail)#// suicide mention#// suicide#// negative#(I saw my friends messages though and... thank you so much...)#(My dumbass finds it hard to believe that I deserve love by this point but... please know I am grateful still)#(That you guys reached out the way you have)#(And I hope to reply you all one of these days)#// abuse
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thinking i'm gonna change up my carrd template for this blog... bc i'd like to be able to provide at least a little more information for everyone (including the selective muses)... but i'm trying to convince my brain to do a little writing first asjkds
#even looking in my drafts tho it's like 'mmm new things first'#this is a problem i've been having for a while now tbh. starters + new replies + inbox stuff is easy but replies to ongoing threads#are more difficult and i'm trying to figure out WHY so i can work through it#bc it's not for lack of interest! i'm genuinely so excited for all my threads!!! both here & on byan!!#i just. idk. i think it might fall into the 'all or nothing' thinking that i didn't realize i do with almost everything#i feel like if i do one reply i have to do all of them and that. exhausts me just thinking about it. all before i can even get started.#I'M WORKING ON IT as always i'm so sorry that i take forever ;A; i'll get through this eventually. i am actively working on it.#anyway. yes. ty for ur patience ♡ i will be seeing what i can do before i finally cave and work on the carrd lmao#♡ ⁄ 𝙾𝙾𝙲
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( here he is ! )
#tiny ...#also hello i am here this evening finally !!!#going to get to some of sev's asks & then . dulo reply .#it's later than I anticipated .............#praying i can get these done .
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re last answer: please don't stop, being very unhinged about these two pretty white boys is helping distract me from the sharks losing streak rn so bring it on
https://www.tumblr.com/bondedpairs/764566430180147200?source=share
(sideblog woes but there's the link for you) anyway in the vid they talk about going over to each other's houses to have dinner and things and while that is a delicious example of their codependence i love it bc through an rpf lens there is definitely some old man ******* going on. they can have the dilfs and each other.
(someone else mentioned kept boys which i could write an essay on but i fear being Perceived™️)
anyway if you have anything to add to this please do, if not ignore me and i will hide under a rock until the stress-related insanity has worn off and i am a functioning member of society once more 😂
- @bondedpairs
ty for the video!!! and please, WRITE THE KEPT BOYS ESSAYYYY i promise i will read it with my hands over my eyes if you don’t want to be perceived. do it scared!! do it anyway!! we’ll all love you for it!!!
#like. i don’t know how to explain how narratively aware will smith is to me. he knows he’s being put into the codependent rookies arc.#he’s aware that zeev buium transforms into a dog. he knows that he and mack aren’t getting together because mack’s gotta work it out first.#& in a less unhinged way i simply mean that will smith has an air of both self-conscious thought & projection i think is maybe fascinating.#but not in a way in which i actually know this or think that he thinks about himself and how he comes across. he just Is Something ????#the best way i can explain is one of my alltime favorite fics i use it like a shorthand citation bc i love it so much but catchascatchcan’s#many worlds universe but specifically the second tk/pat story second person you the ouroboros spits out its tale nolan walks off screen.#like that is the kind of narrative awareness i am trying to explain that no matter where i put him will smith knows he’s inside a story but#not in a way where he’s trying to do anything to it. he’s just present there. this makes no sense to me either please understand#liv in the replies#bondedpairs#happy to have brought you something in your times of woe!!! also hope things get a little less stressful for you!! <3#we’re 2gether p much 24/7” no go on i say in my nature documentary voice. watching them like bugs under a rock rn observing from a distance#this DID get me to actually watch the video. agreed with puckpocketed saying rich text and ur tags like. YES the daddy issues popped out.#just wants to make sure he’s having fun!! checking up!! mack the prime irritance in will’s life!! foisted off on one another w/ no choice#it’s like when your parents are friends so then you have to be friends with their kids in a way and then also like. you’re the only kids#close in age to each other but they’re NOT but it is definitely not like. i would choose you for any lifetime it is very will smith hockey#(once again) very aware he has to wait for mack to settle down. like now that i’m saying this i DO want clairvoyant will smith which is not#where it goes in the first half but just in the sense of like. those silly posts that are like ‘invested early in stock!’ & it’s a picture#of braden holtby & his beautiful bisexual wife brandi back when holts was a hipster who wore skinny scarves & now everyone thinks he’s sooo#like that but it’s will smith saying my god you are insufferable but you’ll be fantastic in five years. get in the fucking car.#(yes i am drawing extensively from the one picture where will has COMPLETELY tuned him out (there is a football reasoning reference here?#with the patriots? neonfretra drew this also but it was a tweet about the teams. there’s layers to this here ANYWAY) we’re building a life#i realize after the fact i addressed neither the dilf (gilf?) fucking here nor the content of the actual video & polycules to which i say:#brain scrampled egg. the burnsie/joe/patty/(pavs???) polycule just exists to me and the kids intersect the venn diagram but in a much#smaller portion than they intersect each other in both ways (will/mack joe/the guys)#also as for the content of the video. you’re gonna have to give me at LEAST (how long did it take me until i actually started posting tzjd?#i hate that this is my metric but it really was like. i see everyone yelling about them & i’m like ok. [please ignore the irrational hatred#i have for tz at the time it has to do with moritz seider and also whenever i see him on the ice something awakens in kill mode] and i DO#blame tzjd for my 800 drafts and it took me like. a good while before i finally went OH kay. i see it. okay i can get invested. horizon at#a 45 degree angle moon in the late waxing gibbous winds scented of orange & blowing S by SW from the vortex cycle etc etc ass conditions)
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slept maybe 4 or 5 hours this whole ordeal is really burdening me i feel so disheartened 😔
#i still can’t believe 2 grown people would act like this#one of them is even older than me#she always acts so nice towards everyone but talks behind their back#i always knew they didn’t like me much and talked behind my back as well but i never imagined it was to this extent#to go to the boss behind my back…. i’m just baffled#and i need to work from 2pm til 8pm today again#at least they won’t be there but work was already dreadful for me now it’s absolutely unbearable#having to work with people who talk so poorly abt me and are so deceitful just thinking about seeing their faces again makes me sick#a friend told me i should call in sick and i really think that’s what i’ll do next week#like this whole situation is burdening me to the point i can’t sleep this job is draining me both mentally and physically#and if they claim i don’t do anything anyways it shouldn’t make a difference if i’m there right#i know that’s not true and they will be understaffed when i’m not there and it makes me feel a little bad for my other coworkers but i have#to look out for myself and my own wellbeing#idk what i did to deserve all this sometimes it feels like my life is just one punch to the gut after another#i’m not your strongest soldier god…. i can’t do this#cried so much last night hoping i wouldn’t wake up again after finally falling asleep#and here i still am….#sorry for all the negativity to the few people who might actually read my tags but i’m really hanging on by a thread and it feels like it’s#about to break off any minute#also thank you to all the people who’ve reached out me i really appreciate it i’ll try replying soon but today will be another long day so#it may take a while#☁️
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