#( & it's like. i'm someone who HAS to be communicated to clearly in order to fix things if u got a problem!!!! )

[sinfvlwishs]

( feelings of uselessness and not being needed or wanted are strong today. )

[sage-nebula]

I've decided to make my own post because I am not an idiot, but full disclosure that this post is 50% based on thoughts I was having while I was driving home from the auto repair shop yesterday and 50% a response to a post I saw just now that conflated "redemption arcs" (things fictional characters go through in fictional stories) with "community support" (things real life people offer to other real life people in real life) and how this relates to "fixing people" (making someone who mistreats or abuses themself or others not mistreat or abuse themself or others anymore).

Read my words very carefully.

In fiction, it is more than okay to like whatever type of toxic or fantastical relationship you want. If you like to read stories about toxic, codependent people who are absolutely horrible to one another and will never, ever change, you read those stories. If you like to read stories about a tortured man who just needs The Right Person to teach him to be better, and then he is, sometimes exclusively only to them though, then you read those stories. Sometimes you want to read stories where the main character says "I can fix him" and fails spectacularly, and sometimes you want to read stories where the main character says "I can fix him" and succeeds spectacularly, and either way, you read whatever stories you want, whatever makes you happy, I'm sure it's somewhere in this vast Archive that we call Our Own.

However, in real life?

First of all, "arcs" aren't things real life people have. An arc is something that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Real life people don't have those, because our stories don't end until we die. Unlike a character, whose life presumably continues even after their story ends (except in circumstances where they die at the end but you know what I mean), we have to keep living day by day, with all the rises and falls that come with it. Now, this does not mean that a person cannot change, or that a person can't get better and learn from their mistakes; but it DOES mean that we can't have a "redemption arc" where we complete a checklist of story beats and then suddenly we're a better person who has experienced the necessary growth to be forgiven. First off, no amount of growth or change ever requires any victims to forgive. And second, that's just not how life works. That's not how change works. Change and growth are baby steps taken each day, and sometimes you go backwards, and you get angry with yourself, but then you pick yourself up and you try again the next day, and the next, and the next. It's an ongoing journey that does not end until you die. That's life.

But second and more importantly, the real idea that I think the original post was trying to get at, but missing the mark on was . . . okay.

So, the original OP of the post (and the person who replied to OP) got angry at the idea that the strawman they had invented (the person who had theoretically said "you can't fix him!") would deny support to someone who needs that help to grow and change as a person. The person who had replied in support of OP added that the strawman clearly believed in punitive justice over rehabilitative justice as well. On the surface, I can see where they are coming from. After all, on the whole humans are a social species and do need support networks in order to not only thrive, but survive. People such as drug addicts need support and assistance in order to get into better places in their lives, and the prison system has been proven to be far less effective at preventing repeated offenses than rehabilitative programs. This is all true.

However.

The reason why "you can't fix them" is still true, and needs to be said and understood particularly by those who are susceptible to falling into abusive relationships (e.g. people who have been abused before, particularly in childhood or adolescence) is because of free will. Specifically, the free will that each of us has, but specifically the other person. Person A can want so, so, so badly to "fix" Person B so that they stop being an abusive alcoholic 75% of the time. But if Person B doesn't actually want to stop being an abusive alcoholic (even if they say they do during the 25% of the time they aren't smacking Person A around), and refuses to put in the work that it takes to become sober and be a better person, then guess what? Nothing Person A does will ever make them be a sober, non-abusive partner. They will be unable to fix Person B. It doesn't matter how much time, energy, money, or commitment they pour into that person. It doesn't matter how much they genuinely, honestly, earnestly love them. Because unless Person B wants to change, and will put the work into doing so, then they will not change, and Person A, for their own health, safety, and sanity, needs to exit that relationship.

Now, does that mean that if, ten years down the line, Person B decides they are ready to put in the work to get their alcoholism under control, no one should help them? Of course not! They should absolutely be put in touch with sober counselors, support groups, medical professionals, friends and family who can help them. Person A could potentially forgive them, if Person A chooses. But that willingness to change and put in the work has to come from within Person B first.

I've been in the position where I've seen people in awful situations just tanking their lives, people I loved and cared about, people I begged to just listen to me and get help, only for them to not . . . and ultimately I had to accept that I couldn't fix them. I could be there to offer support when they were ready to fix themselves, but the core work that needed to be done had to come from within themselves. I couldn't provide that. Not because I was inadequate, not because I didn't love them, but because I couldn't force them to do anything they didn't want, or weren't ready, to do.

So at the end of the day, "you can't fix them" isn't about not giving support. It's about recognizing your limitations as a human being. It's about knowing that:

You cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do.

You cannot force someone to do something they are not ready to do.

Not being able to help or save someone is not a moral failing of yours.

Not being able to help or save someone does not mean you do not love or care about them.

Providing support should never come at risk of your own health and safety, physical or otherwise.

When you love someone, it can be really hard to accept this. You think, "I know I can make them want to try. I know I can inspire them to want to change. I know they love me, so if I just love them a little harder, they will want to change." Nine times out of ten, though, that is just not true. And if someone is abusing you, it is not worth the literal risk to your life to keep trying. You are worth more than that. You are more than just someone else's band-aid.

Keep yourselves safe in 2024.

[cookie-swirl]

I need to get this off my chest. Yes, it's never easy being in a relationship. Especially if you've been in a long serious one. To top it off, it was a long-distance relationship. It was a lot of work put in. You have to maintain communication and respect. I did all those but wasn't getting anywhere. I thought to myself, if I was not going to be accepted for who I am in any of the relationships I had, then what was the point of being in one. I have always wanted to be wanted, loved, and cherish for me being, well, me. I can clearly see that it will never happen. I've given up on physically being in a relationship. It was what got me into dating online. I thought doing long distance would help me find someone who would accept me for who I was... I was wrong. Long distance or not, people are the same. I was not wholly accepted for who I was, I had to change myself in order to be with someone. I had to meet certain criteria to make that person and his family happy. The same thing happened before I did long distance. It happened 3 times. It broke my heart so much. It made me feel like no matter where I go, when it comes to loving, no matter how much love you pour into one person, without giving them any conditions to love you, they will always expect something more of you. I am done loving. I hate myself for having a big heart as this heart forgives easily. It loves so easily. I am tired of giving and giving and giving and expecting nothing in return. From now on, I will expect nothing of anyone. I will not take things as it is anymore. I will not expect anything from anyone as it has already broken me completely. Don't tell me that I can be fixed. Don't tell me that you'll fix me. I'll fix myself. I'll do it on my own because that's what I've always been doing. Fixing things on my own. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of when the whole world is against you? Then you find that one person who supports you and turns around and uses your emotions against you? Then, they use whatever they have done for you against you, just to make you feel guilty? And then, rub it into your face, making you feel even more guilty? Having that one person who you're vulnerable with use it against you? Well that's how I feel. I am never going to open up like that again. I am never going to show vulnerability like that, and have it used against me again. I'm broken. I'm done.

[kendrixtermina]

It DOESNT MATTER if the Israelis' distant ancestors really came from Palestine

Leaving aside that "indigenous" in a political sense tends to mean "current victim of colonialism or post-colonial structures" and not "being originally from somewhere" (we don't usually call the French "indigenous") consider the following:

All Slavic people & their languages are thought to have originated in what is now Ukraine somewhere in the late middle ages and spread from there to everywhere they live today. Does that mean I can kick a Ukranian out of his house because I have a czech grandpa?

All the Bantu peoples are thought to have originated roughly in what is today Cameroon. Can any west or central African speaking a Bantu language kick out someone in Cameroon from their house? Or even a black person from the USA or the Caribbean?

All the Germanic Peoples originated from Jutland peninsula (what is today Denmark & some bits of Northern Germany.) - can a guy in England, Austria or the USA kick a Dane out of his house?

The people of Australia, Canada, the eastern USA & to a lesser extent South Africa (where many alre also descended from Netherlanders) are all descended from the English. Can they all come to England & kick an English farmer out of his house?

(they can, however, still in practice sometimes get an unfair advantage over Hawaiians & Puerto Ricans, or put a pipeline or mine through a Native American or Australian Aboriginal's home, or expropriate a black person to build a highway... at least there its not based on directly racist laws, in theory a rich POC could do it too.But in practice the result still often screws locals for short-sighted business ventures, so there is some stuff to be fixed still...)

The Romance languages all descend from Latin. Can any Italian kick ppl out out of everything that used to be Roman, including France, England and Bavaria?

Can any Greek kick someone out out of everything that used to be the Byzantine Empire?

Spain belonged to the Islamic empire for a long time. Can a Moroccan go kick a Spanish person out of his house?

Spain does give Spanish nationality to south american spaniards, (to attract skilled workers & fix low population growth), which I know cause my dad insisted on getting it due to patriotic feeling, but while he could buy a house there & vote, he cannot kick anyone out. Not even out of the exact village where his ancestors lived just 100 years ago.

Heck, the czech grandpa I mentioned? His family was expropriated when Communism took over. After communism, my mom & her siblings got an offer to get their farm/house back, but ONLY if they find the ppl currently living in the house an equivalent place.

It turns out there was a family of Romani ppl living there & it would be hard to find them a big house due to housing discrimination - my mom & her siblings just decided to let them keep the house since they were actually using it & none of us was planning to move to rural czechia. It seemed mean to kick out ppl who are being discriminated & had themselves lived there for decades now, after all we have our own places. (and my mom has, like, a painting of the town's church hanging in her living room & remembers living there as a little girl, & has stories about it, including some lewd jokes about the shape of the mountains.)

They should probably do a similar program in Palestine, where Palestinian families can get still-standing houses back or $$ for rebuilding destroyed villages, but the current inhabitants get provided for. Though probably the state should have to find them a new place, not impoverished Palestinians themselves. In the communist expropriation example, chances are the original owner was richer than the current one, which is different in Palestine.

Let us also consider the difference between conquest & immigration.

Conquest means you disrupt the social order & impose your own rules. This is clearly what was done in Palestine.

Immigration is different - I'm all for the right to immigrate & for ppl to live where they want, but immigrating means you fold yourself into an existing society & follow the laws there. (many ppl explicitly immigrate to places where they like the laws more)

The problem is not jewish ppl living in Palestine because they want to live in the land of their distant ancestors, but rather taking over & oppressing everyone else.

No one would mind my dad going to live in Spain where his ancestors lived. Indeed they would probably rejoice, he is a skilled worker & pays lots of tax. But if he came with an army, rebranded the country "new Cuba", demanded that everyone speak Latin American Spanish & started oppressing the local farmers, that would be a very different issue.

Though of course I wonder how many ppl care more about special treatment & free stuff than they do about religion or "connection to the land". Many might end up going to some gated community in the USA if they have to be equal citizens with no special privileges.

[matthewtkachuk]

you can hear it in the silence - ryan graves

Four times you think Ryan might love you, and one time you know he does

pairing: ryan graves x reader

warnings: mentions of alcohol, a little angst if you squint, slight reference to cheesy romance novels - don't come for me for referring to romeo & juliet ok

word count: 2.5k

a/n: sorry this is a little bit late - i went to toronto, got covid, and then moved right at the end of the month and i'm a poor planner 3 @gravestrain i hope you love this!!! thank you as always to @antoineroussel for not only hosting this thing and letting me borrow stef whilst giving her an americanized name and the happy ending she deserves but also doing her damnedest to fix my grammar issues (you will have to pry my run on sentences and epithets out of my cold dead hands). special shout out to @danglesnipecelly for helping me pick a name for this bad boy and to @ryngrvs and @hotanddistraught for tryin' to help me put it into words. title and inspo is of course from the cult classic "you are in love" by taylor swift

one: one look, dark room / meant just for you 

Ryan’s a friend. 

The first one you made upon your arrival in Jersey to be precise, and one who very quickly became your favorite of them all. Nico’s got good eyebrows and Jack has a sly smile and PK is always down for anything and Nate and Mikey are clearly in love—but Ryan’s easily your favorite. It’s a world you’d never belonged in before and yet one that you slip into without much difficulty. 

It starts with an invitation to sit with Nico’s girlfriend at the season opener and turns into a standing date that you only miss if you absolutely have to. The girls are fun, Steph most of all, but the other girlfriends and wives welcome you into the fray even though you hold neither title. You make it three games before Jack’s daring you to wear his jersey. Steph thinks it’s funny and Nico looks at you like he might know something you don’t, but then Ryan’s offering you his instead and you’d be lying if your traitorous heart didn’t wonder if it meant something more than friends.

You wonder that a lot, actually. 

Wonder if it’s just Ryan’s polite, Canadian nature that has him holding doors open for you and asking that you text him when you get home safe after a night out; wonder if it’s just something Ryan does, the way he memorizes your Starbucks order and knows your favorite ice cream and the exact right toppings to put on pizza; wonder if Ryan exchanges looks with anyone else—all raised eyebrows and laugh lines and upturned mouths.

The looks are secret, special. A million different words and thoughts and communications pass in a single glance meant only for you. When Jack’s being an idiot, when Steph and Nico are too cute, when you miss your drink with your mouth and end up with a barely noticeable stain on your shirt. They say things like: “are you overwhelmed? Do you want to leave?”, “are you feeling alright?”, “when was the last time you ate?”

Tonight the look is shared from across Nico and Steph’s living room. You’re being cornered by a guy who introduced himself as “The Devils Captain’s Future Cousin-In-Law” and who hasn’t shut up about the ACL injury that “kept him from going pro, but he totally could have.” You’re not entirely sure that cousin-in-law is a legal distinction, and you’ve met plenty of might-have-been pros trying to keep up with actual professional athletes, and so nothing leaving his lips is of any particular value or interest to you.

Scanning the crowd, you look for any reason or excuse to vacate the conversation, trying and failing to catch someone’s eye until Ryan looks up. He reads the distress call and rises to the occasion valiantly, all but pushing Steph’s cousin to the side in his over the top greeting to you. 

The aforementioned not-quite-major-leaguer grumbles, but quickly realizes he’s no match for the large defenceman, disappearing back into the crowd to probably find someone else to bother. 

“Thank you,” you breathe out a sigh of relief. 

“Anything for you,” is all he says before dragging you to the kitchen to make you another drink because you ‘definitely deserve one.’

“Steph, your cousin is fucking annoying,” you tell her later that night.

You fear it’s the wrong thing to say, are prepared to backtrack immediately at her shocked, silent face, but then she’s laughing. “Yeah, I know. I was going to go save you, but someone else beat me to it.” She motions toward where Ryan is standing across the dark room. You hiss and grip her wrist to get her to stop pointing, but there’s no use—half the team has looked over at your little commotion. It doesn’t matter anyway, though. 

Ryan’s eyes are only on you.

two: small talk, he drives / coffee at midnight

you: you up?

ryan: Is this a booty call?

you: *eyeroll emoji*

you: no, idiot. I can’t sleep 

ryan: Wanna go for a drive?

Fifteen minutes later you’re slipping into Ryan’s car in your favorite pajamas and an old hoodie. 

“Cute,” he chuckles, tugging on your flannel bottoms before you slap his hand away. 

“You’re one to talk,” you counter, lunging across the console to ruffle his messy hair he’s pulled back with a familiar looking scrunchie. “Is that my hair tie?” 

Ryan pauses mid laugh like he’s been caught red handed in a bank vault with a ski mask. A light blush coats his cheek and he reaches back as if to pull his hair done. “Uh, yeah. Did you want it back?”

A warm feeling fills your belly as you sit back in your seat, shaking your head. “Nah, keep it.”

He flashes that awkward grin at you and motions for you to put on your seatbelt before he puts the car into drive. He takes several twists and turns that you don’t recognize in the midnight darkness, each street sign and traffic light blurring into the next. 

“So where are we going?” You ask a few minutes later, fiddling nervously with the radio station, never letting a song play in its entirety as you search for something you don’t even know you’re searching for.

“I know a place.”

‘A place’ turns out to be a Dunkin’ Donuts beside a McDonalds and you laugh out loud when he turns into the first drive through. 

“You don’t like it?” he asks.

“I love it!”

He doesn’t even need to ask your order at either place and he certainly doesn’t take your offered wallet, just smiles at you and tells you that you can get it ‘next time.’

“Thank you for a lovely evening,” you tell him in a semi-sarcastic, overly-polite tone to mask the fact that this is one of the sweetest dates you’ve ever been on and it’s not even a date. Or, at least you don’t think it’s a date. 

The heated look in Ryan’s eyes when they quickly slide over to look at you in the passenger seat have you wondering otherwise. “Did you really think it was over?”

Twenty minutes later sees Ryan pulling over on a random dirt road outside of the city.

“Star gazing?” you ask, unable to keep the hope or the excitement out of your voice. 

He pulls a blanket out of the back seat and hops out. “C’mon.”

It’s now officially the most romantic date you’ve ever been on, cold McDonalds fries and watered down iced coffees between you be damned. 

“Look up!” He points to a shooting star blazing across the night sky. You do, your shoulders brushing against his and the moonlight glinting off the small pendant around your neck. 

He doesn’t kiss you that night, but you feel a fundamental shift in the energy of your friendship from there on out.

three: morning, his place / burnt toast, sunday

Burnt toast is a sign of a stroke, right? You wake up with a killer hangover and the aforementioned offensive smell. It’s undercut by what you hope is the strongest coffee known to man, and ultimately the promise of a caffeine fix is what gets you out of bed. There’s whistling too, you realize as you approach the kitchen, and it’s not until that whistle stops mid-note with Ryan’s shocked face that you look down at what you’re wearing. 

It’s an entirely-too-long-for-you red Devils shirt with 33 on the top right corner and you can only assume the number rests on your back too alongside his last name. It’s really not that different from the jersey you wear to every game and yet it’s completely different. More intimate somehow, despite the design being quite similar. The way his Adam's apple bobs alongside his suspended hand holding a bright yellow spatula tells you that you’re not alone in your thoughts. 

“What are you burning?” you finally break the tension with a joke. His shoulders relax before he spins back to the pan of slightly burnt eggs.

He drawls sarcastically, “It was supposed to be breakfast.”

The air crackles between the two of you as you eat silently side by side at the kitchen island save for the occasional “can you pass me that?” and “thank you.” You’re lost in thought, but so is he, contemplation written clearly across his face for you to read.

After breakfast, you put your jeans from last night back on, but you don’t change into the sparkly little top you were wearing, preferring the comforting cotton of the fanatics branded t-shirt. Ryan notices, if the way his eyes linger on the number at your shoulder is any indication. It sends a little thrill through you and reminds you of all the times you caught him looking a second longer and a touch heavier than just a friend would do. 

“I would stay for a second course of your lovely cooking,” you state with sarcasm dripping from your tongue, “but I should get home. I have a very important date.” As his eyebrows raise up toward his hairline, you find yourself stumbling over an addendum, “Uh, with my couch I mean. And Netflix. All alone.”

“Good,” he says quickly, before backtracking. “I mean, sounds good.”

When you smile at him, he relaxes but the tension doesn’t fade between you as he walks you to the door like the gentleman he is.

The kiss he presses to your cheek, right near the corner of your mouth is less gentlemanly.

“Text me when you get home safe.”

four: you kiss on sidewalks / you fight, and you talk

“Are you mad at me?” 

It’s the entirely wrong thing to say to your friend of six months turned… whatever it was you two were to each other. His shoulders are tight and there’s a stormy look overtaking his features.

“Am I mad at you?” Ryan is animated and incredulous in a way you’ve never really seen him off the ice. The fire in his eyes is one you’ve only ever witnessed right before laying a heavy check… or right after taking one from the opposition.

“Yes, are you mad at me?” Unfortunately, you’re the doubling down type 

“I am mad. And disappointed. And… and feeling pretty stupid right now!” He advances on you, but there’s nothing aggressive about his stride, even with the way his six foot five frame towers over you. It’s not aggression, but it is passion and there’s a wild frenzy about his actions. 

“Stupid? Ryan?” Your voice is so much smaller than it normally is, the dark tempest of your disposition tamed by your uncertainty in the moment.

“I lo-like you, okay?” He seems to catch himself, but you can almost hear the unsaid four letter word between you. There’s no time to dwell on it or to respond to the revelation, not with the way he slows his movements to step tentatively into your space, hands reaching for your hips and head inclining down towards yours. “As more than a friend or whatever we are. I think about you all the time. And you don’t have to feel the same, but it kills me to think of you going out on a date with some other guy.”

You’re at a loss for words—the combination of his close proximity and his unexpected confession has your brain all but short circuiting. Slowly, you speak. “I don’t want to date anyone else.”

“You don't?”

“Steph and Meg were just bugging me back there. They think it’s funny to poke fun at my lack of a dating life. Besides, everyone knows it’s you I’m crazy about,” you admit quietly. 

And just like that, right there on the sidewalk outside the team’s favorite bar, Ryan kisses you for the first time.

plus one: you’re my best friend

A road trip has Ryan getting in late. 

He’d told you that they’d had to wait for some bad weather to clear before taking off from the West coast and had offered to go back to his own apartment to let you get your rest, but you’d solidly turned that down. Besides, you were at his apartment anyway—his salary means he can afford the nicer things in life and that includes the most comfortable king size mattress you’ve ever laid upon.

You don’t regret your decision one bit. Not even when he flicks the light on in his bedroom approximately four seconds after getting in before softly apologizing and turning it back off. Not even when he stubs his toe on the dresser in the dark, a sharp curse escaping his lips without any fight. You don’t regret your decision, because after the minor interruption to your REM sleep, he’s slipping into bed next to you and pulling you close. After a long week apart, you welcome the feel of him around you and slip back into a peaceful slumber.

It could be only minutes later or several days—you sleep so peacefully when Ryan is near—when you’re woken up by the rustling of sheets and the cold absence of your boyfriend beside you. He’s sitting up in bed with the strangest look on his face. A mix of confusion and acceptance and peace alongside something else.

“Are you okay, Ry?” you ask with sleep heavy on your eyelids and weighing down your tongue. 

He doesn’t acknowledge you at first, so lost in the heavy weight of his own thoughts that you softly call his name again. This time, he turns toward you and speaks only a single phrase: “You’re my best friend.”

A single, simple phrase and yet, you knew.

He is in love and you are in love and you are in love with each other. 

Always a hopeless romantic, you’d devour cheesy romance novels as a young teenager, read thousands of books where the main characters risked everything for love. You’d always loved reading the dynamic, but you’d never understood it, not really. Not until now.

Not until your boyfriend all but declares it in the sanctity of your dark bedroom on an ordinary night just like any other. 

You understand it now, why Darcy bettered himself for Elizabeth, why Noah never gave up on Allie, even why Romeo and Juliet did what they did—even if it could have been solved with a bit of communication and maturity that two sixteen year olds were clearly lacking.

‘I love you’ is a phrase you’ve uttered millions of times in your life, but no I love you ever meant as much as Ryan’s quiet admission. 

“You’re my best friend,” you echo before pulling him in and kissing the sweet smile off his face.

[koushisatori]

if you can't believe in others, at least believe in us

kyoutani x gn!reader

genre: as ordered: a bit of angst w a touch of comfort

warnings: one (1) big jealous idiot, miscommunication

word count: 5.4k

note: this is smth an anon asked me to do (but like...nearly a year ago, I'm not sure if anon is still there or if they remember and my dumbass deleted the ask so I just beta-ed through whatever I had but I know they called me out on enjoying jealous characters so here we go) I'm sorry, mysterious anon, I'm stupid </3 Anyway, that's that. I don't remember if reader was supposed to be female or not so I made it gn!reader (but if I forgot to change something, pls tell me so I can fix any errors c: It's also my first attempt I apologize in advance)

In the beginning, you weren't sure why your boyfriend is ignoring you

You can't remember doing something that would annoy him, nor do you remember an instant of anger in his eyes that would give you a hint about his reasoning to stay away from you

He explained early on that sometimes he just needs a day of distance because Kentarou could feel the anger simmering right under the surface, enough that something small could tick him off already, and he would hate if you were on the receiving end of this unexplained fury

Both of you also made sure to promise each other to clearly communicate, the relationship between the two of you would not last long if you're not properly telling each other what might be bothering or hurting...just in general cross a boundary

Communication probably was one of the most important aspects of your relationship

cue to the actual situation: your boyfriend avoiding you

So, Monday evening you think maybe it's this overwhelming sensation of unexplained anger and that something at morning practice ticked him off completely

But then Tuesday comes and goes, and your boyfriend had avoided you all day long, did not even bother to read your messages,

on Wednesday, you try to talk to him, but all he does is glaring at you with a look that leaves you speechless and kind of heartbroken,

Thursday is the day you're replaying everything you did on Monday, trying to find something that he could have misunderstood, yet no matter how hard you think about it…your brain won't come up with a reason that explained why Kentarou was so upset with you!

So you decide to make him talk to you on Friday

Enough is enough, right? For gods' sake, he is your boyfriend! You miss him and his strong arms that give hugs so warm that you melt right into them

You don't get a second alone with him until school ends

you practically sprint out of the school building over to the gym, knowing that he had a free hour, which means that he is probably the first person there - your only chance

There he is, sitting with his back to you, aggressively chewing on a bun filled with chicken - his usual that reminded him of his favorite dish - glaring holes into the ground

After taking a deep breath to calm yourself, you carefully aks: ''Kentaro…Ken…?'', slowly stretching out your hand, wanting to rest it on his shoulder to maybe help to soothe him a bit

he flinches instead and his heated, agitated gaze meets your eyes, making you recoil in return

''…will you talk to me, I miss you…'' you say softly, realizing how it hurt being ignored by him

''Ah, suddenly you miss me…'' he spits, narrowing his eyes ''…didn't fucking seem like it the last time I saw you…''

''Kentaro, baby, I have no idea what you mean,'' you plead, keeping your voice low to hide the desperation lacing it, confusion written all over your features

all Kyoutani does is growl, hopping down from where he's sitting while shouldering his gym bag

''...shouldn't have been so flirty with Shittykawa like that then-'' he grumbles - ''Ken, I didn't-'' you insist, but he continues ''twirling your hair, batting your pretty eyelashes at him, fuck you Y/N, if you want him, then feel free to take a fucking leave" Kyoutani cusses, not even listening to you

You shake your head, ''Kentaro, no, you totally misunderstood the situation,'' you follow up, panic seeping into your voice now that you knew what he referred to, ''I love yo-''

''Tsk'', he moves to leave

you try to take his hand but, instead of turning around, Kyoutani just rips it away from you, tucking it into the pocket of his jacket

from behind you, you hear Yahaba and Oikawa approaching (talking about Volleyball and Captains duties)

once they guessed what must have happened, they offered you their help (they both swear that Kyoutani will never ever find a ''cute s/o as you are, y/n-chan, I'm worried for my little angry pomeranian kohai'' )

Usually, you would try to talk to him, but after enduring a week of radio silence and now this treatment, you were tired of upholding something that seemed like a lost cause

you just wave both setters off and leave the school grounds, a frown plastered onto your lips and tears swimming in your eyes

Kentarou had not listened to you, did not even really look at you, and the few seconds he did, his eyes were filled with rage instead of the warmth he had usually reserved for you (and only for you)

If your boyfriend thinks avoiding you for a week and blaming you for something ridiculous without hearing you out is how you handle a relationship…maybe you would have to consider not pursuing it any longer

Which is easier said than done

The whole night you wait for a message, anything, and then all Saturday morning

you still had hope left

You get one from Yahaba, who tells you that Oikawa tried to clear up the situation as well after the reason for your fight dawned on him (Kyoutanis piss poor mood and behavior towards him a strong indicator) but Kentaro, again, just ran off

The future team captain even called you after your lackluster answer, listening to you getting the frustration and sadness out of your system

It didn't matter, right? Your boyfriend decided to unofficially call it quits by implying that your feelings for him were not genuine instead of using his mouth to talk to you and disregarding everyone involved

as if he wanted to ignore the truth as a convenient excuse to get out of your relationship

that's the conclusion your brain came up with

You softly sniffle in the privacy of your room, clutching a pillow to your chest (which has seen more tears in the last two days than in the past three years), deciding that it would be a good idea to go into the city to treat yourself

knowing that your mother has a hair-dresser appointment somewhen today, you go and announce that you would join her to finally buy the latest season of your favorite series

once there, you additionally get microwave popcorn, chocolate, and ice cream, as well as a pretty shirt you saw on a mannequin while window shopping

you feel a lot better after spending some money and ignoring the lingering sadness of your presumable break up with Kyoutani (who you love ok, it is not that easy)

In between your stops, you meet Iwaizumi and Oikawa munching on fatty burgers (celebrating your cheat days like a holiday and indulging in whatever your heart desires, is what makes it easier to stick with healthier habits the rest of the time was the questionable explanation coming from the brown-haired setter, pointing at you with a soggy potato fry)

after a moment, the setters eyes turn sad, a frown replacing the smile on his lips

he wraps his fingers around your wrist to stop you from going just yet, apologizing for being the cause of your fight and for being unable to talk some sense into him

(you assure him that it is not his fault, knowing that your friend will probably brood over it otherwise, which wouldn't be fair)

Iwaizumi adds that Kyoutani will come around and that his cooldown time is just longer than those of other people (and if not, he will give him one of his famous volleyballs to the head and use his status as only truly respected senpai to talk some sense into him) but you again decline their suggestions

after saying goodbye (and seeing Iwaizumi give his best friend an assuring gentle pat on his shoulder, the secret softy in the usual harsh ace shining through)

If Kentaro was willing...able to throw away your relationship this easily, he can't possibly really love you, and you'd accept this even if it's hard and painful

Now remembered of what you had attempted to forget about, you feel your eyes sting with unshed tears (you thought there was no possibility of you having more tears to spill, yet the impossible seemed to be the case) you look down at your phone to text your mom and frown

Kentaro 🥰: we need to talk. Kentaro 🥰: meet me there [location]

For a second, you hesitate, biting your lower lip harshly…you really want to go and talk to him but…

The tears still sting in your eyes and blurring your view reminded you of what you had gone through the whole time, and that it was his turn to finally come to you

break up or makeup, the ball was in his court now

so while walking to where your mother would be waiting for you, you begin to type

You: No.

You: I waited for you all week, even though you ignored me, and now you expect me to run the moment you choose to stop being a childish idiot?

You: if you decide to speak to me then comqjdkn

Kentarou wouldn't say he feels particularly bad. Not at all! If someone was to ask him, he would probably answer fucking peachy, what the fuck are you asking for or growl angrily. No one would bat an eye and further question him, nor guess that maybe he wasn't as great as he pretended because he missed his gorgeous better half, but…it was his fault, wasn't it?

Of course, he originally thought he had a valid reason to be upset. And if he had just spoken to you about it, everything would be solved now. Instead of being a decent boyfriend, though, his pride overtook his thinking processes once he realized that his behavior wasn't even the slightest bit justified. Not that he knew this when he saw you speaking with Shittykawa right before school. All he could see was his gorgeous s/o shyly fiddling with her fingers, conversing with a leaned forward, very involved Oikawa Tooru. He would have fetched you away from the brown-haired setter. He had no qualms about showing his possessiveness. God, Kentarou wouldn't have hesitated to growl at the tall, brown-haired boy if not for the question he heard coming from the Captain.

''Y/N-chan, how is it that you, an adorable, charming individuum, is with a brute like Mad Dog-chan? I really-'' Well, that's where he decided to leave you with the setter. He didn't need to hear your answer. Didn't want to witness an excuse or maybe the truth. If both of you were so fucking smitten with each other to flirt this blatantly, why don't you just go and cheer for him, hold his hand, and kiss his cheek goodbye? It was his choice to distance himself.

Kyoutani couldn't help the feeling of betrayal and hurt washing over him. Maybe you just used him as a stepping stone to get closer with Oikawa, and Kyoutani has been too blind to see it. He never doubted you or your relationship before, but it's not a secret how eruptive Kyoutani could be. It has always been beyond his imagination how someone so cute and sweet like you could love a person like him. Your friends thought so. The teachers. The whole school! Everyone questioned your poor judgment. And when you came running up to him, you're cheery voice calling out for him, everyone present looked at you like you grew a second head. It's the reason why seeing you with Trashykawa ticked him off so bad. It catered to his biggest insecurities and fears. He knew that all those skeptics would be delighted to see you, everyone's darling, with the schools' star setter. They all would agree that the pretty, handsome young man is a better fit than the always hostile-looking troublemaker.

While Kyoutani didn't take Oikawa seriously in most cases, he undoubtedly was one of the most devoted people Kentarou had ever met. If Oikawa wanted to get a new serve right, he wouldn't stop trying and repeating it until his legs gave in, and Iwaizumi dragged him out of the gym. When he wanted to find more advanced players to practice with, so he could, in return, give this new knowledge to his team, there was no way he would not manage to make it happen. Even if his ideas, wishes, and plans cost him blood, sweat, and tears (like getting Kyoutani to actually train), Oikawa never backed down. Kentarou had heard that Oikawa's last girlfriend dumped him because of his passion for Volleyball. Yet Kyoutani couldn't help but think that, in you, the ambitious setter would have found someone that would be able to handle it. You usually came over to watch the team when you knew that Kyoutani was there to play. You sat on the stands with your homework in your lap and a Seijoh-coloured pencil wiggling between your fingers, not bothered by the noises coming from the court. You play with your earlobe while you frown at whatever problem you came across. You patiently wait for practice to finish. Kentarou was sure that you'd be someone Oikawa would actually try for. You weren't one of his squealing fangirls, hanging from his arm on every opportunity, but his friend. You didn't pester him to take selfies with you while pushing cute bentos into his hands. When you bring food to practice, then it's for the whole team to share. If he wanted you, Oikawa would probably have to win you over and make sure that you'd stay. Courting and all that jazz. In all seriousness, Shittykawa would be a fucking idiot if not.

The dyed-blond wing spiker had been so sure that he was rightfully mad that he didn't stop to think twice before he reacted this coldly towards you. But, and this made it even worse, Kentarou knew that he was wrong the moment you asked what happened after an entire week of enduring his silent treatment. The second he heard your shaky voice and saw the tears welling up in your eyes, his brain rebooted, and suddenly he wasn't so sure of his own reasoning. You two were together for about half a year. Kyoutani - by now - was confident in his ability to identify most of your expressions. All he could decipher in your eyes was pain, paired with a need to understand, but…if he was in the wrong…it would mean that he had hurt you the whole week, which in conclusion implied that Kentarou had been the world's shittiest boyfriend. Fuck, he thought, I don't deserve y/n.

His situation didn't get any better the moment Oikawa entered the gym. The person Kyoutani thought he had a real reason to despise now tried to mend the rift between the two of you.

''Mad Dog-chan, I think you misunderstood something there. Well, no, you decided to not listen-'' The taller male says, hands gesturing wildly. While his voice still had that annoyingly cheery tone, it had something commanding hidden underneath. And oh, how Kentarou hated when someone demanded something of him, even if it was for his own good. ''Don't want to hear it.'' the blond mutters, already aggravated. The brown-haired setter resolutely puts himself in the way again. ''Oh, but you have to! That morning, Y/N-chan literally declared her love for yo-'' - ''I don't fucking care.'' Kentarou barks, not looking Oikawa in the eyes.

After another fruitless attempt to get properly into the gym, he growls and turns to leave. Already on his way to grab his stuff and take a leave, he hears Oikawa yelling. ''You answered and justified why I asked Y/N-chan to begin with!" And then louder, even though he could make out Iwaizumi trying to wrestle his childhood friend back into the gym, "APOLOGIZE, YOU IDIOT! YOU BETTER GROVEL FOR Y/N'S FORGIVENESS! THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS SHOW YOU'RE PUTTING ON, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

This happened on Friday evening, and the guilt was gnawing away on him ever since. On his way home, Kyoutani had automatically taken the detour to your house. Kentarou enjoyed bringing you home (and more often than not, you pulled him inside with you, making him cuddle you!). It makes him feel like a good boyfriend, and he knew that you arrived there safely. He would never tell anybody and deny it if you ever decided to share this, but Kentarou relished in the feeling of your hand holding his all the way while going on about your day. He admired that you'd pet every cat and every dog you meet on the trip home together with him. You were perfect for him…why again did he act like this?

What caused Kyoutani's attempt to apologize - in his usual overly blunt and partly aggressive kind of way - was Yahaba, though. Both boys denied being remotely something beyond 'not really enemies'. But his future team captain was definitely one of the very few people that could and would tell him to his face that he fucked up without real repercussions. He would presumably even help Kyoutani to get it together.

After Yahaba had called you and listened to your heartbreaking rant, the setter realized that you, his friend, and his 'not really enemy' needed to talk ut out. Totally immersed in your tirade, you accidentally let slip that you couldn't endure Kyoutani's treatment any longer. That being pushed over by your boyfriend with brash and hurtful words after handling the cold shoulder was too much. That you expected Kyoutani to break up with you on Monday either way. In-person, if he had mercy on you or continue his treatment as a silent method of doing so. While you told Yahaba about your planned ''get over it-self-care'' weekend (involving tons of ice cream, movies with crying guarantee, lots of blankets, and no smartphone), the setter had already put on his jacket, shooting a message to Kyoutani.

From Yahaba: get your stupid fucking ass outside to meet me, or I'll bench you the complete season next year

Even though the wing spiker was sure that Yahaba's words were nothing but empty words, Kentarou allowed himself to accept this threat as an excuse to put his pride aside. Because, even though Yahaba annoyed him to no end - not as bad as Oikawa but still - Kentarou was also aware that you and he were friends. If someone could help him gaining your forgiveness, Kyoutani had to accept and admit that it was Yahaba. Meeting his light brown-haired teammate was kind of awkward. Kyoutani was unsure what he had to expect, though he should have seen the rough treatment coming. Yet, getting told that you, the person Kentarou was undeniably in love with, felt so neglected and hurt that you deemed this relationship to be as good as over allowed the guilt monster in his chest to grow. Shitty Oikawa was probably right ordering him to grovel and beg on his knees for you to even hear him out.

Your answer to his message was partly unlike you. Well, the last sentence. You usually were pretty forward with him to avoid miscommunication and uncalled-for moping around. And while you sometimes send keyboard smashes to express the chaos you felt, they were always in a separate message and not so…random. The text definitely meant something like ''then come to me'' but somehow, Kyoutani had an uneasy feeling about the whole thing.

Besides, he couldn't just wait till Monday and hope that you'd accept his apology! You may send him away today already, but he still had a teeny-tiny bit of hope. If he let the thoughts of him leaving you or the other way around fester in your mind for two whole days, though,…you'd probably realize that leaving him wasn't that bad of a decision. You'd come to the conclusion that all your admirers could treat you better than Kyoutani did. And he was too selfish to let you leave. Even though all he did the whole week was being self-centered and stuck up, he would be damned to begin being a saint now and let you go. That you at least were willing to talk to him was…a relief, to say the least. Kentarou hoped that this translated to you being willing to put up with him a little longer if he apologized correctly. That you're not opposed to giving him another chance to make things right.

At your house, he was greeted with darkness. Not even a single light illuminating any of the rooms he could see from his spot on your front lawn. And the ones he saw were your and your mom's most-used rooms. Your room window, your mothers' workroom, and the living room area with an adjacent kitchen. All of those rather significant rooms and the lack of light in them seemed to be a dead giveaway for Kyoutani that no one was home. Kyoutani guessed that you were probably out with your mom, glancing over to the empty spot in front of the garage.

Oh god, your mother had been the only supportive person of your relationship. Maybe it's in your family to see the best in everyone, even in shitty people like him. But if you told her about his behavior, she'd most likely not welcome him with a smile ever again, no matter if you forgave him.

There weren't many things Kyoutani could do in this situation, but it wasn't as late as nature let it on, and after a few seconds, he had decided to sit down at the front door and wait for you, hoping that it wouldn't take too long for you to come home. As if fate wanted to tell him something, the wing spiker had put on the jacket with the half-full power bank. He had worn it to the shelter when he visited it this week while distracting himself from your absence in his daily life. You had gifted him the piece of clothing, which is probably why he unconsciously had decided to wear it to everything he did after school in the first place.

Kentarou passed the time by snarling at people eyeing him for a moment too long to not be judgmental, petting the neighbors' cat wandering over to him, and watching videos. Every time he thought ''Y/N would like this'', his heart stuttered guilty.

To Kentarou, it felt like an eternity until your mother's car finally drove up the entry. To avoid your mother's potentially deadly stare, he nervously checked his mobile, realizing that he had waited for a little more than 3 hours. Yet, the wait had done nothing to soothe his nerves. They instantly spiked up again while his heart threatened to jump out of his throat.

She will hate me. Your mother would hate me, she'll hate me, she'll ha-

''Ah, Ken-chan! Good evening.'' Your mother greets him with a tired, yet still gentle smile. Oh. The blond blanches. He'd never admit it, but he enjoyed the treatment he received from your mother more than he should. Being spoken to without suspicion and receiving a warm smile every time without fail was a welcome change to his daily life. Your mother didn't listen to people trying to bad-mouth him. To her, he simply was the boy that - normally - treats her child the way a mother wished for. Even if he pulled a face as long as a fiddle.

''I didn't know you were coming, Ken-chan, or I would have messaged you…but now that you're here, maybe you can assist us out and help Y/N inside? It would help a lot.'' His gaze immediately flitted over to you on the passenger seat. With your arms crossed in front of your chest and that stubborn but endearingly cute pout on your lips, he nearly missed the tiredness your body emitted. Kentarou wanted to rush over to your side immediately but was stopped by your mother again. ''I don't know what you two are fighting about…but please talk to each other. I don't want my baby to be this sad. Especially now, and…'' she rests a hand on his shoulder, her eyes kind and comforting ''…I also don't want to miss you here, alright?'' He stiffly nodded and watched your mother carrying in plastic bags filled with various medicine packages and food.

After coming back to his senses, Kyoutani finally stumbled over to your side, practically ripping open the car door. This new perspective revealed a plaster cast wrapping your whole left leg and a removable wrist brace on your right hand. ''Bab- Y/N…what the fuck…happened?'' His honey-brown eyes continued to wander over your injuries, and with every second, he found more. Scratches and scrapes, bandaids and bandages peeking out from underneath your clothes. ''I'm so sorry,'' he whispered, hanging his head low.

All your intentions to fight his helping hand and limp over to the door by yourself disintegrated into nothing. You never witnessed such a devastated, beaten expression on his face before. Instead, you settle for ''Will you help me?''. A question asked quietly to your fingers picking at a loose band-aid edge on your arm and pressing it back onto the irritated skin.

After you loosened your seatbelt, he waits for you to carefully place your arms around his neck. It is followed by Kyoutani lifting you out of the car so gently as if he was afraid you might break. This whole situation in itself already contradicting his brash appearance and usual behavior. It would give whiplash to all the people pretending to know him. But he was always caring in his own way when it came to you. It's why you loved him after all. Because you usually knew that he loved you, too.

For a few moments, the atmosphere between the two of you felt awkwardly tense, both of you unsure how to interact with each other. The mostly blonde wing spiker breathed out a sigh of relief when you fully leaned into his chest once he stood upright, resting your head against his shoulder. A bit of maneuvering through the front door eventually lead to Kyoutani passing through the hallway and taking you to your room, where he was gently lowering you down on the bed.

It was a now or never kind of situation. For the both of you. While Kentarou was trying to find out where to begin his apology, he took a few steps back in case you wanted space until everything was cleared up.

You unconsciously helped him making a decision by impulsively grasping onto his shirt the moment he started to withdraw, stopping him in his retreating movement. Kentarou saw your lower lips wobbling, teary eyes looking up at him pleadingly.

''Please stay,'' you say weakly, which is enough for him to throw the whole thinking process away and simply sit down next to you, intertwining both your hands. ''I'm staying. I'm not leaving. Not now nor this relationship if you still want...an ''us''. The wing spiker took a deep, shuttering breath. '' I'm sorry, Y/N…'' he finally manages to say, honey eyes locked onto your linked your hands. ''I have been fucking stupid all week. 've been a fucking terrible boyfriend, the worst to ever exist.''

As if to encourage him...to show your boyfriend that his apology was not for nothing, you shuffled around until the last bit of distance between the two of you was closed. You hum, acknowledging his words while leaning your head on his shoulder.

''I didn't think you're cheating or something, …'' Kyoutani immediately assures you. There was no way he would allow you to think that he would accuse you of something like this. ''I had no reason to be jealous, but I was insecure. Let it get the best of me. Despite our promise to communicate, I was sulking. 't was easier. I'll do whatever the fuck you want for you to not give up yet…'' he says, taking his time with every sentence.

With a sigh, you squeeze his hand. ''It will probably take a lot of cuddling and attention from you...'' you say thoughtfully ''...but I forgive you…if you promise to not do this again…'' you murmur, tilting your head upward to press a chaste kiss to his jaw. ''Otherwise, I'll accept Iwaizumi-san's offer to get your thinking process restarted.'' For a moment, your voice had its usual joking edge. But you knew talking out everything was necessary. ''But, in all honesty, 'Tarou....please, never do this again. I am honest. I will not endure this a second time. When you tell me that you need a day or two for yourself then that is totally fine. If you feel yourself giving into whatever insecurity, talk to me about it. I am sure there will be an explanation or a solution but don't leave me in the dark. Don't treat me like that. I love you. Only you and no one else. But the time love can withstand straight-up ignorance by your partner is limited.''

Slowly, your boyfriend nodded, squeezing your hand to tell you that he understood. You would probably cling to him for a while but were sure that he would survive the extra closeness. Not even half a second later, his head leans onto yours cautiously.

''…and try being nicer to Oikawa-san, Tarou, he hasn't done anything to you.'' You add humorously before small giggles started to erupt from your lips. ''Also...Baby…'' you start, being interrupted by choked-up hiccups and giggles. By using your nickname for him, you take away another persistent fear of his. What he does not miss, however, is how you wince in pain before you continue, ''…who helped you put this into words? I mean…I loved it, but…,'' You leave unsaid that words usually are not his strong fort.

Biting back a smile, he frowns, huffs, and puffs…, but the way you are looking up at him, eyes shining with relief and adoration, allows him to admit defeat. He sighs ''…it's how Yahaba said I should say it…'' It usually would be an odd enough statement to make you throw yourself all over him with laugher. As a slight replacement, you squeeze his hand a bit, still shaking with suppressed laughter. ''I promise…that I will talk to you. Can't promise the Shittykawa part.'' Another soft chuckle leaves your lips before you look up at him again. ''I hope you try nonetheless. You should not let Iwaizumi-san hear you calling Oikawa-san that, though, I don't think this would turn out well for you…so...maybe stop this at least.'' Kentarou rolls his eyes at you, but in the end, he nods.

You wait for another second to clearly distinguish the two topics before you continue. ''…Thank you…for coming and finally speaking with me instead of break-'' A hand on your lips muffles your words.

''Don't say these words. I'd never break up with you,'' Kentarou grumbles, a light, uncharacteristic light pink settling on his cheeks. You stick your tongue out, which leads to him taking his hand off of your face with a surprised noise, rather dumbfounded that you had licked his hand. It gives you the chance to lean up and finally press your lips against his. ''I'm not leaving you either,'' you murmur, feeling his lips twitch upwards slightly. You decide to leave the teasing for another day.

Moving back into your previous position was enough of a hassle to hiss in pain. It brought back Kyoutani's awareness of the second problem at hand. ''What did happen to you?'' Kyoutani asks in an attempt to tamper down the excited, happy beating of his heart.

''Oh, this...uh, when I answered your text, I got driven over by a dude on a bicycle,'' you casually drop. It was kind of entertaining to watch his expressions change at an unequaled pace while processing your words. In the end, it settled into something akin to passive-aggressive worry. The way he was immediately fretting over you while cursing and cussing out the bicycle dude was his own way of caring. As you watch him retrieving the food your mother bought, while mumbling about how you're a dumbass for not paying attention to your surroundings, how he'd come over every day until you could go to school again to bring and teach you the stuff you would miss and how he would fucking murder the bicycle idiot if he ever finds out who dared to drive you over, you can't help the smile forming on your lips.

Once again, you are proven that loving him - while occasionally troublesome and demanding - was everything but wrong.

[milkthebunny]

So, there are some things I really want to analyze in Be Kind, My Neighbor or else I'm gonna explode bzjqnzn

I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna get some of these right (which is honestly disgraceful considering I'm English major zhwjbzs) but I'm trying my best! I would love to hear your guys' analysis/opinions/thoughts on these things as well!!!

The Things I Will Be Discussing:

Lady Trudy

The Swans

That Scene (You know the one)

Lew

Spoilers under read more!

1. Lady Trudy

Lady Trudy is such an interesting character considering we don't know much about her. We mostly learn about her through the interactions with her followers. But since Yugo said that this story is an in part a conversation and critique of religion/religious cults/religious trauma, I feel Lady Trudy was supposed to be something of a foil for The Swans.

Lady Trudy gives her followers what they desire the moment they ask for it (i.e. Tillman desiring hair and quite literally becoming a bear), sets out her terms and conditions very clearly and seems to genuinely want to see her followers be happy. Lady Trudy actually loves her followers (well, as much as cult god can love something).

Lady Trudy's cult may be a reflection of a religion that's actually trying to do its best to help people and make them feel secure. There's no backdooring with their promises, the community seems very supportive of each other and overall, it's not the worse place to be. However, like every other organized practice, you begin to notice that things aren't completely okay and certain rules are beginning to effect you in ways that are not so great.

With Mr. Neighbor, he has to kill someone once a month in order to keep his body; the body that feels him feel like himself and feels safe and secure and Lady Trudy knows he feels those things too! But because Mr. Neighbor is still willing to go through with it despite now being extremely desensitized to death, there's no need to change it at all. And who knows what penances the other cult members must go through. It's a real "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude in this religion.

But I think that's why the final scenes with Lady Trudy and Calum are so important. Mr. Neighbor calls out to her, begging for help and she comes. She fights for him because she cares. If Lady Trudy is supposed to represent a genuinely trying religion that's slowly falling apart, she realizes that despite something being wrong internally, her people still turn to her for guidance. Despite the problems are beginning to rot this religion from the inside, that everything they do/don't do is not helping and maybe even making everything worse, their followers still come because they trust them. And for religions that genuinely do care about their followers and realize that there's major problems too big to fix permanently, they do the next smartest thing.

They get rid of it.

Either built something completely new, something better than before or nothing at all. Sometimes some things are too broken to repair and you just need to retire them for the greater good.

When she takes Calum into the lake with her, they never appear again. They're gone forever. Lady Trudy lets everyone go because they would end up happier without her. That they'll live fulfilling lives, the one thing she strived for.

2. The Swans

Umm, I just wanted to talk about how fucking genius it was to make swans the symbol of this cult xhaunzs

Like, swans are a symbol of beauty, grace, acceptance of flaws and overall self love and the fact that this cult uses this animal while pursuing a person only because they want to use their body??? That they gave Wegg false love and manipulated him into thinking they genuinely cared for their own benefit???? Fucking amazing

Like, Wegg's whole thing is that he loves being a transman, that he loves his body and who he is as a person and thought that he finally found a place that accepted him. Only for Lew and his gang to only want Wegg for his body, for what he can do for them, to do anything it takes for Wegg to follow through including several months of manipulation and disguising ill intent as love. AND TO USE A SWAN AS THEIR FUCKING SYMBOL THROUGHOUT IT ALL

Also!!! Loving that swans, even outside of the context of Lew's cult, are connected to Wegg's journey. There are multiple scenes of him with swans in some way or another (this is my favorite example of that)

Because Wegg hasn't fully completed the cycle of self love. Yes, he loves being trans and loves his body and doesn't wish to transition and loves who he is as a person. But by the end of the day, he believes that others won't love him. All of his trauma has cemented in his mind that he will never find someone who genuinely loves him, that he's going to be used and turned away for the rest of his life. A part of self love is realizing that others will love you the same way you love you; that you are deserving of love and respect and there's so many people out there waiting to love you. And happily, Wegg learns that by the end and completes his cycle.

3. That Scene

I'm not going to lie, this scene is so hard for me personally to analyze and dissect because there's so many things it could mean and how emotionally heavy it is (When I tell you I physically heard the crack and the overwhelming silence afterwards). So, there's a 9/10 chance I'm going to interpret this wrong but I'm giving it a shot!

So, we all know that Mr. Neighbor's and Wegg's deal is mutually beneficial. Mr. Neighbor gets to kill for his penance without harming other people in town and Wegg gets to die via the hands of someone he trusts. Overall, it's pretty solid and they've been doing it for almost a year without any major problems. It's one of those things you see in real life relationships that you think is kinda weird but go, "Hey, if that's one of the things that keeps your relationship happy and healthy, it's none of my business. More power to ya".

Expect...it does become a problem. Mr. Neighbor is used to killing. When it's with Wegg, he used to getting the deed done and waiting for him to wake up again. But this time, Wegg is screaming. Crying about how much the rotting hurts. Vomiting. Begging for help, to kill him because it's too much and he doesn't know what to do. And when Mr. Neighbor finally does, he doesn't go about his usual routine. He sits there, holding Wegg's body, and starts wailing.

The closest symbolism or metaphor I think of for this is two people who do something together that seems beneficial but is actually unhealthy. Mr. Neighbor has never broken down about a death til it was this particular one. Because he had to kill Wegg so violently and he loves Wegg so dearly, something clicked. The real life equivalent of this may be you're doing the same thing you always do with your partner and they have an episode because of it (whether it be PTSD, anxiety attack, etc). And then you're filled with the ideas of, "What went wrong? We always do this so why is it bad now? Has it always made us suffer this way? Has it always hurt my partner but I never noticed? Has it been hurting me along too?"

Seeing Wegg hit his breaking point with the rot was Mr. Neighbor's breaking point. Maybe he's always felt something negative when he killed (like when he admitted he felt guilty about not giving Glenn what he wanted before killing him) and seeing the person he loves the most suffer and go through the killing action made he realize that something needs to change. That this has to stop and they need to find a better way to cope (which is turn leads back to the whole 'Lady Trudy represents a trying religion that it realizes it's faulty and releases everyone for the sake of their own happiness' thing).

4. Lew

Me and the homies fucking hate Lew!!!! There is only one line I want to talk about because it proves how much of a bastard he is. When he says, "You know...he loved me first" to Mr. Neighbor right before he dies. It truly shows how scummy of a man he truly is.

He understands the amount of trauma he has caused Wegg, with the manipulation and literally only wanting him to harbor Calum. He knows the amount of pain Wegg goes through monthly because of The Swans. And he feels the need to put one last sting into this relationship before it ends. So what if all of his cult members died and Calum is no more? He lost the war but he wants to win the battle because he knows its long lasting.

Lew knows that trauma never fully goes away. Wegg is healing and is finally in a peaceful place but the trauma will always be there. Processing trauma is such a hard experience and there are days when it feels like the pain is all you remember and get hurt all over again. The way to move past trauma is forge your future and to heal as time goes on (which is one of the main themes of BKMN) even though you can never change the past. He knows that Wegg will always remember him, remember his time in The Swans and he's proud of it.

So yeah, Lew is genuinely awful and I'm glad Wegg chose not to forgive him because he is undeserving and Wegg deserves a beautiful, happy future without him interfering.

So that's my analysis! I'm sorry if some of this is jumbled or doesn't make sense. I struggle with putting words down but I hope this is able to come off clearly to you! Thank you for reading this long ass post ❤

[with-the-same-tattoos]

I can't find the post anymore but there was a post analyzing Brahms' room, which was SUPER FUN bc i love set design and such but also like, it mentioned he had like, these little organizers at his table... + the scene of him *agressively ignores brahms: the boy 2* fixing the doll... he is handy. He genuinely has some hobbies. I'm so interested in all the stuff he would do when alone there for all those years !!!

I guess I do kinda imagine him as someone who sleeps a lot due to just being a tad unwell but.. yeah. Outside of that and regular life.

There's no proof of what he was doing and all BUT i am here to share my thoughts on him making miniature houses. I have other ideas (light setups, genuine house repair, him actually being into cooking, etv etc) but my main thoughts on miniature houses bc it fits the movie so overbearingly.

He clearly likes structure, order (I have some thoughts on him compartmentalizing his non-wall spaces and his actual living space and why it looks like That but I wont go into it Today), etc, and I can see him taking careful measurements, cutting wood pieces to build perfect replicas of support systems, making careful notes..

I see him as having particular taste, spending plenty of time doing material tests, to find that perfect vernish for a specific kind of a wood floor etc.

I actually like to think that the Heelshires didn't communicate, like, at all when it came to anything that wasn't baby brahms. Like, mr. and mrs. Heelshire never really got to know the man their baby grew up to be. I don't think Brahms shared his life with them, same with hobbies. (Again, reasons that I won't go into today). My main point here is, I don't think he was ordering proper craft supplies from them all that much. Maybe some paints and such, glue but like, not full housebuildibg kits. He probably WOULD have made these things just from... food trash (plastic packaging for windows, a lot of paper material, etc), and whatever he could grab from the house. So, again, a lot of time spent experimenting.

I don't think they look like stuff from those nice little kits, of course, but I imagine he would be the type to put some incredible, deep detail into his work. Like, I can see him learning to knit tiny little rugs with toothpicks kinda stuff.

Head wise, I feel like it could give him a sense of control to create something like that. Weather he realizes it or not, the house is in control of him.

Also probably kinda plays into his voyeristic tendencies. He could create his own little worlds and study them.

Naturally I assume he would have a bit of a thing for architecture. Yes, classical stuff, but I can't help but to imagine that in his more confident moments, he might play with shape, style, material, etc... not minimalist modern stuff really?i can totally imagine him creating sets more similiar to Gaudí etc. Wild, colorful worlds, experimenting with light.

He probably has snatched all the travel books from his parents, to just stare at the buildings.

Speaking of books, I can totally see him creating miniatures inspired by classical literature... hellyeah

Anyways sorry for rambling this thought just rly exites my brain bc i lov creatives 🥺

[starrypawz]

3. “Now that this is all over, I feel like it’d finally be appropriate to ask…do you, uh, wanna go out for dinner sometime?” <3

Prompts for When Your OTP Has Survived The Big Dangerous Event

Yet again I'm reworking a very old FHR fic I wrote to bring it more in line with my current writing style/ fix the vibes.

Ronan’s no stranger to standing in supermarkets at weird hours. And the strange, slightly otherworldy, offputting yet calm sensation that comes along with it.

“What?” Ronan shrugs.

“You can’t just keep putting snacks in there!” Ortega… no Ricardo,he is very firmly Ricardo in Ronan’s mind now sighs and does his best to give a slightly disapproving ‘Marshal Charge’ look.

But

It doesn't work, not really.

Neither of them are on the clock right now.

And this is Ricardo, not Ortega and certainly not Marshal Charge. Ronan’snot currently involved in helping him serve the greater good (Or more accurately to Los Diablos the ‘slightly less than bad’ good).

There’s no Ranger Blue tonight.

Actually there is, but it’s on a hoodie so it doesn’t count, He’s in a hoodie, Ronan is in in a hoodie.

(Even if that hoodie probably costs more money than Ronan’s ever had in their hands, through legitimate means or not)

Instead, Ronan grins, arm out and threatens to knock in half a shelf of the cookies they picked up into the cart.

A packet wobbles and there’s a tense pause between the two of them but it stays on the shelf.

And Ricardo shakes his head and laughs, bright and bold as always.

It’s probably a good thing this supermarket is nearly empty at this hour.

No one seems overly concerned about why someone who looks very close to Ricardo Ortega is in a supermarket at a weird hour with a mystery person.

Ronan as always can feel the background hum of humanity in the back of their skull, buzzes and flickers not unlike the florescent lights above their head.

A few stray thoughts manage to float over and cross through.

I can’t believe he forgot to buy bread, again.

How long can I stand here pretending to buy something before it gets weird?

I’m running late… and forgot it was mom’s birthday

Shit I need a beer after tonight, at least I’m off tomorrow.

I have… two hours left on this shift… FUCK.

“C’mon,” He smirks, controls his face enough that Ronan almost doesn’t see the wince as it pulls at the almost healed stitches through his lip. “You could at least try to put something a little healthy in there?”

Ronan raises and eyebrow and grabs a random box from the cart, “Granola bars, oats, that’s healthy,”

Ricardo sighs and reaches for a pepper, poses for it with actor level poise as if he’s been dragged into yet another photoshoot,

“Balance is important,”

He delivers in a way if Ronan was familiar with it would compare to some terrible, cheap health class PSA short.

Ronan pulls a face.

“Ronan,” He sighs, “You can’t hate all vegetables,”

Ronan continues pulling a face.

(For a brief moment, Ronan’s glad he didn’t pick up an aubergine)

“I don’t mind potatoes,” Ronan grins and fished out a bag of chips from the cart (Which he’d put in the cart) “As long as they’re like this, or you know fries, or especially fries with cheese on top,”

Ortega sighs theatrically and claps a hand to his forehead equally as theatrically, “You’re impossible,”

Ronan nudges him, “You’re not much better, I see what you order at Hoots,”

And to that he nudges back, a little too hard. Ronan goes sideways and he tenses for a second before Ronan catches the handle of the cart with a laugh, catches themself before they end up falling over sideways in a heap on the linoleum floor. No harm done but their leg does remind them briefly that they’ve not totally recovered from being pinned under a car and Ronan manages to disguise the wince.

Someone walks past at the moment and gives the pair of them a withering look that communicates quite clearly that they view the concept of fun in a supermarket as borderline illegal.

Which has the effect of making both of them burst into slightly too loud laughter and Ronan can register a vague annoyed fault from the tired cashier.

“I know you don’t hate peppers,” He nudges again, lighter this time.

“Crap,” Ronan sticks their tongue out at him for good measure, “You know too much,” Ronan watches his face as his expression changes to his ‘Ricardo has an idea’ face.

Oh no.

He sighs and leans forward on the cart handle, and props his chin up with his hand the cart shifts forward a little as he does so.

Ronan also leans forward, “Mhmm?”

“How about…” Ricardo sighs turns to look at Ronan and not for the first time, Ronan’s attention drifts to his mouth and a little reckless voice in the back of their head suggests kissing him in a supermarket late at night wouldn’t be a bad idea.

“I’ve had your cooking before,”

“I know…” They share a look that implies ‘We both know who ate my leftovers in the breakroom fridge yesterday’. Ricardo’s fingerstwitch and he sates the urge to cup Ronan’s chin by drumming on the handle of the cart “But I mean, just us, my place?”

“Do I trust you that much?”

“You can trust me to pull a car off you, but not enough to make you dinner?” He doubles over and feigns clutching his chest, “I’m wounded,”

“Fine, fine, fine,” Ronan huffs with feigned annoyance, unable to hide the smile, “If it gets you off my back,”

“Good,” He grins, as always too swift and too smooth, “It’s a da-”

Ronan then gives him their ‘Ronan has an idea’ face and before he can react Ronan disappears down the aisle in a flurry of squeaking shoes before their feet leave the floor as they have a clear shot down the aisle in the near empty supermarket.

“Oh no, no… Ronan no!” He calls after as he runs after.

[lilmissbacon]

Frozen 3 concept

I'mma start off with explaining that I'm not the biggest fan of Frozen and I'm definitely not a fan of Elsa's character in general.

But as much as I love the songs and outfits of the second movie, the inconsistencies and how it never explains how sh🤬 works in the world with magic and such are just infuriating. As well as why the spirit that connects them controls ice which is just a variation of water. And how the Frozen franchise just loves to make Elsa more special within every installment.

I am so very tired of it. So I came up with a way that it could all be fixed and make sense if they make a third movie.

Also to note that Anna and Elsa are supposed to be two halves of the fifth spirit but that's VERY briefly touched in movie (quote: well actually a bridge has two sides and mother had two daughters) and Disney themselves take Elsa as the fifth spirit alone so that's stupid.

Why Elsa specifically controls ice

We all know how we're frustrated with the fact that Elsa is supposed to connect all the elements when she only controls ice.

But let's think about it from another prospective. The first movie is based about the seasons. It's a seasonal theme rather than an elemental theme like in its sequel. So why not bring that back?

The enchanted forest cannot be the ONLY place that has mystical spirits. What if there were three other forests with their own fifth spirits and each fifth spirit represented a season?

And each seasonal spirit's magic is a mix of two elements.

Elsa/Winter: Ice = water + air

Spring: Plants = water + earth

Summer: Lava = earth + fire

Fall: Lightning/Storms = air + fire

This still fits in with the fact that the fifth spirit can play back moments in time as well. Each spirit has their own Ahtohallan. Elsa's is made of ice because it's just frozen water and the water is was plays back those moments in time.

Spring's would be like an island made of plants, fungi and marsh. Plants have water running within them so they can take the form of moments in time like Elsa's ice statues.

Summer's would be a volcano with a river flowing through it. Lava and water can mix to create lava rocks. When doing so the memories within that water would be imbedded into the rocks they form and therefore be able to play moments in time as rock statues.

Autumn's would basically be a fog bank with almost ghostly figures making up the memories since fog is a mist, aka: water. Kinda like the scene where Elsa fights the wind spirit and their powers mix for a moment.

Where the others come from

For this, I decided to look around other lands within that side of the world that has legends of spirits. I decided upon:

Spring = Scotland

Summer = Arabia

Fall/Autumn = Japan

I chose for Arabia to be summer, of course , because it's a desert country so it very hot. Japan is autumn because it's culture and everything just always reminded be of the beauty of fall. And Scotland is spring because that's what was left and when I think of Scotland, I think of it's green forests and plants.

Nothing too deep.

Personalities

You think I'd make Summer hotheaded and spring, giddy and bouncy, right?

No, because you see, as I've stated in another post of mine; Why Frozen Doesn't Work In The Big Four, I explained how Elsa's personality reconciles more with summer. The opposite season of her own.

Elsa is kinda quiet, gentle, diplomatic, practical, worries silently and is angelically innocent (even though she doesn't deserve to be).

All are traits relating to summer. So if her personality is opposed to her season, then it'd be the same for the other fifth spirits.

Spring would be a leader, confident, energetic, true to a cause, dependable, easily irritated and stubborn.

Summer would be reserved, well mannered, a good listener, natural poise and pessimistic.

And autumn would be energetic, tender-hearted, optimistic, friendly and overly talkative.

How the spirits work

I fully believe that the spirits have no physical form but rather inhabit certain things. Basically possession but the spirits don't have control over themselves once they choose a vessel and depending on the solidarity of what their element is, determines what kind of vessel they need.

The wind spirit is said to be a playful spirit and would want to make its own choices. Being an element you can't hold, it doesn't really need a host.

Water is liquid and needs something to be it's host but doesn't necessarily need something alive. Therefore it can inhabit a small animal or it inhabits its own element, hence a water horse.

Fire isn't a solid or liquid but it's not necessarily a gas either. Fire always needs to burn on something in order to burn. Therefore it cannot just make out it's own body like water but it doesn't need a large vessel. Hence, a little salamander.

Earth is the most solid of them all so it would need multiple hosts in order to sustain itself. That's why there are multiple earth giants and not just one like the other spirits.

I believe the spirits don't have control over their actions once they choose a host because all the spirits (besides wind) seem to not know what's even going on most of the time. And that would explain why the spirits didn't get rid of the dam themselves, because their vessels didn't know that was the problem.

I also believe that they need a host to begin with because they are actually susceptible to death. As it has been confirmed that Elsa is NOT immortal and there wouldn't have been a legend of a fifth spirit if people hadn't seen one before.

It would also explain how the spirits drove the citizens out of Arendelle without physically being there; they managed to leave their hosts for a time in order to do so. Along with what the light that Elsa was following at Ahtohallan, was. The fifth spirit was able to sustain itself by staying in its birth place and activated the memory of Elsa's mom singing, to bring Elsa there and when Elsa's dress transforms is when the spirit possesses her.

Why does the fifth spirit need to be human? Because humans are more durable. The fifth spirit doesn't control anything completely solid like rock so it doesn't need multiple vessels but it also controls more than a single element, therefore is too much to figure out/control for just any animal.

That's why it chose a very young child to give it's powers to rather than the person who actually did the deed of saving their enemy. It needs to be someone who will have the time to learn and control their powers by adulthood.

(Despite Elsa not truly being worthy and being a horrible sister, she was already chosen at birth and she at least gets the job done. At everyone else's expense but still.)

Plot

How would the seasonal spirits meet? Why would they leave their homes for this? What brings them together?

The four sided snowflake represents the elements connected to the winter spirit. Every season would have their own version of this. But there are also four seasons just like there are four elements.

So, could there be a fifth spirit for the fifth spirits? A fifth spirit to connect the seasons and if so, what is it? What's their power?

I believe, much like the winter spirit called to Elsa, the ultimate fifth spirit will call all the seasonal spirit's to come together at a single location. Anna would come with Elsa as well, of course, and during their journey, they'd all eventually meet each other along the way.

Eventually Anna would start to feel a little neglected when Elsa keeps talking to / about the other people who also have magic. Anna doesn't wish for magic, but she wishes for Elsa to finally see herself and Anna as equals (because Elsa clearly wouldn't after finding others like herself, let's be real). So Anna goes off to have her own sort of "Show Yourself" moment and is the one to find the location they've been looking for which is where she becomes their fifth spirit; the Aurora Borealis.

It was in one of the original scripts for the first movie that Anna was gonna have the power to control the Aurora Borealis, but then the creators decided that took away from Elsa's agency for self isolation due to her powers.

It's true that Anna having been able to accomplish what she did without powers is one of her best attributes but Anna becoming the light spirit is really the only way she's gonna get any appreciation within the fan base or the disney community. Plus Anna's done all the work to begin with so she deserves it.

With the other spirits being seasonal & elemental, it would only make sense for the one to connect them all would be light.

But all the spirits also have an opposite to balance them out:

Fire | Water

Earth | Air

Winter | Summer

Spring | Autumn

So maybe the reason they were all being called there is because Light's opposite is Darkness and it's plotting to take them all out. They are in charge of keeping balance and darkness wants to create chaos. But you also need darkness for balance, so maybe someone else will be with them through the journey and become the vessel for darkness in order to control it. Because, again, spirits have no control once they have a host.

This could be a possible redemption arc for Hans. We could learn about what he's been through and what truly drove him to be the bad guy because from what we know of his brothers, they were really bad. I think he just really lost a nerve due to unintentional (or intentional) abuse and was trying to prove to his family that he was better than they believed. People who suffer from abuse can be irrational like that.

I think it would be a phenomenal thing for him to overcome his inner darkness while also taking control of the literal spirit of darkness.

Metaphorical-wise it's beautiful.

Art/Designs

I edited the other seasons + Anna off of concept art for Elsa's white dress while Hans is kinda my own creation but I still used his concept art for a base. Everything after that are purely original.

Location they are led to ⬇️

Let me know what you all think 👍

[vunoirien]

Nothing says I want to quit like being assumed for a position with more responsibilities without properly asking and just diving into it along with what I also was already doing before.

I found out about the office manager leaving via ghost getting an e-mail sent to supervisors only. I then had people come up to me with their own speculations and assuming I would be taking over the job of the girl who is taking over the office manger. I was asked to do my current job because the soon to be gone office manager and the girl i help out with were over-worked and couldn't handle things. like breaking down crying, or schedules getting out late. I helped with schedules and ordering to lighten the load. There has been no mention of, oh since things are shifting, we'll need a new third person. Nope. Just assume that between me and the girl I was taking the schedule responsibility from can share the load. Why am I getting office manager training bits, that involve editing timecards for payroll when I also do the schedule? Sure I'll help if she's bombarded but having me do the majority of the work today as a training while the two of them went to set up phone and came back and passed more things onto me. PIssed me off. I will be the one responsible for all the transfers of the store now? ok, negative inventory? spcs? All purchase order maintenance and management? Hole Count? These two women assumed, oh she'll help you and take your position and not need help. Between the two of you it'll be ok. Claire has her shit together. When I first said yes to helping, I clearly said I didn't want to be the main person responsible and now with the office manager leaving for a new position, and also having it happen a week before we switch to a newly renovated store which is chaotic enough because of construction and supply delays, you want me to take over and be the main ICS person? AND do schedules? cover cash? and then some? In a Box sized store with other 120 people in staff? I can't believe this place. I don't deserve this. No one directly sat down and talked with me. Hell I barely get communicated to for when people are coming back from leave, or if someone has been fired to not schedule them. Like fuck. I was on edge for an hour today when I learnt that asking me to come in for seven this morning meant overtime and not leaving at 4. It was the last straw and I was asked to fix someone else's mistakes with write offs. 107 lines of wrong input. I am done. I don't know how long I'll last. I know i want to discuss things with them but tomorrow is Friday, I need to finish the rough copy of a schedule of over 100 people so it can be reviewed, edited and posted by late Monday or Early Tuesday at the latest. So it'll probably have to wait until after the move. I'll have to vocalize that I cannot bare the weight of everything alone. If they expect it, they will learn I won't stick around if that's the case. I haven't seen my family since September. I still haven't told them I had covid in late January. I'm losing it. My mindset and self esteem are rotten. Just. Done. I'm done. I am lucky to have Ghost to vent to and empathize with but I know he's getting worn out too. We are both depended on and it is wearing us down and we both need to find something better and we both think it will be somewhere else.

Days like today make me want to exist only in dreams. Just numb, floaty and I could care less about making sense or even being pleasant. Just not this. I'm going to do my best to get through tomorrow. I'm terrified if that inquire about my opinion on what happened today. Because I am not sure if I can hold back my complete and utter spiteful anger as to how things have been done. 'Overwhelmed' or 'a lot' is the nice version, if they want details I really hope I don't become a descriptive rambling mess. Because there is a balance to telling someone you're not happy and letting them peak at how uneasy things are with you.

[reasonsilovemywife]

Buckle up, I've got something to say

Most of you will ignore this post. I hope that you take time to read it, especially my white friends and colleagues...

I've hesitated to really speak my mind on the murder of Armaud Arbery, the murder of George Floyd, and the aftermath of these murders. I opted to not watch the videos of their murders, of their last breaths. I opted not to watch because it will only piss me off even more. I know the outcome without watching. I've seen it over and over again. I don't need to see it over and over again, again. I've hesitated because I feel helpless. I've spoken against racism almost my whole life, at least since high school. And what has that changed? Have I really made things better? Have I done all I can to end racism? I've felt outnumbered, I've felt intimidated, I remember feeling what my heart tells me is right being contrary to what others tell me is right.

Maybe I could've communicated better, but lacked the ability or lacked the information that would be more persuasive. Maybe I could have organized better, but lacked the commitment or the access or knowledge. Or maybe they just lacked the empathy for their fellow man. I still, vividly, remember the first time I saw racism play out in front of my very eyes. Innocence lost. It's still painful to this day. I've said in the past, as long as racist parents raise racist children, racism will never go away. But even worse, racism isn't just anecdotal, it isn't just individual-based. It is systemic. It has been woven into our institutions and structures over such a long period of time that it is subtle to someone who is not directly affected by it.

I feel helpless because of "all the progress that's been made", at times it feels like no progress has been made. In the 50s and 60s, it was Emmett Till, four little girls (Addie May Collins, Carol Denise McNair, Cynthia Wesley, and Carole Rosamond Robertson), Willie Edwards, Jr., Cpl. Roman Ducksworth, Jr., Jimmie Lee Jackson and many others. In this past decade, it's been Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, the Charleston Nine (Clementa Pinckney, Cynthia Marie Graham Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lee Lance, Depayne Middleton-Doctor, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, Myra Thompson), Philando Castille, Armaud Arbery, George Floyd, and once again, many others. So when we continually see these killings play out, the progress that has been made can feel hollow and inadequate.

Just like my words on a Facebook and Tumblr post can feel. And that's mostly all I have to offer, words. I can post and opine on Facebook / Tumblr all day, but is that really going to change anything? That's why I feel helpless. During my career at UPS I was hopeful to get involved in the community, to help underprivileged children, to help the homeless, and to get involved with anti-racist organizations in order to contribute to a better, more equitable and more harmonious community. But the truth is, I just worked. I just worked 70+ hours per week for a corporation that pays me for 50 hours per week, but expects me to do more and work longer if needed. But I digress. Yet, this leads to a lack of time and a lack of energy, and that's why I feel helpless.

I feel helpless because too many white people are dismissive on the issues of race. It doesn't negatively affect white people, so there's no need to get involved, right? This is one of the most obvious proofs of white privelege. And that's precisely the reason you should fight for social justice for minorities. If you don't want to be considered a racist, then stop looking the other way, stop benefiting from white privilege then deny that white privilege exists, stop acting as if "reverse racism" is equal to or worse than racism against minorities. If you don't want to be considered a racist, then care, act and live as if you're not a racist.

If you're response to "Black Lives Matter" is "All Lives Matter" instead of "Yes, They Do", then you are part of the problem and are clearly missing the point. Stop dismissing racism as a problem Black people (and other minorities) have to deal with. It's our responsibility as White people to end racism, not theirs. They're the victims of racism in America, not the perpetrators. So fix your damn self. Stop being tolerant. Stop being complacent. Stop being dismissive. Stop acting as if it's not your problem, because it is 100% your problem. My problem. Our problem. The problem is you've benefited from it, I've benefited from it. We've benefited from white supremacy our entire lives, and usually don't even recognize it. How could we, it's normal to us - although it should be abnormal. If you don't believe racism in America is systemic and intentional, study up on redlining, study up on the inception of policing in the South, study up on the educational, financial, and even medical care disparities during segregation and how it still affects us today.

Also, stop with all the generalizations. That goes for everyone. Stop painting everything and everyone with such a broad brush just because you're too lazy or too simple to actually learn and discern. Humanity is not a monolith. People groups are not a monolith. All Black people are not the same, all white people are not the same, all law enforcement are not the same, all protesters are not the same, etc., etc. There are good and bad in all things, including humanity. I know for a fact that there are good, moral, heroic police officers out there, because I have family and friends who are those good police officers. I also know for a fact that there are crooked, corrupt, criminal police officers out there. Those are the ones that I am against, those are the ones we all should be against, especially the good cops out there. You can be fully supportive of LE and also be fully supportive of the arrest and conviction of dirty cops. It's not mutually exclusive. Also, don't confuse the peaceful protesters with the looters, they are not the same people. People marching, holding up signs are not the same people as the ones damaging property.

Speaking of protesting, if you've never protested, please stop telling other people how to protest. How would you know the right way to protest, you've never needed to. Although I wasn't a huge fan of Kaepernick, his peaceful protest was just, but it made "us" uncomfortable so "we" hated him for it. He literally stated that he was protesting police brutality and racial injustice and literally stated that he was not protesting the military, not protesting the flag, but you hated him for it and, with the assistance of this ignorant ass president of ours, Kaep's mission was tainted, blurred, misconstrued.

Now, a lot of us our finally opening our eyes that he was right all along.

Speaking of Trump, can we get him off Twitter, at least until we can get him out of the White House. This dude has quoted white supremacists multiple times, then when questioned about it, acts as if he had no idea. Multiple times. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It would take less than two minutes for him to Google before posting. He's blatantly ignorant at the least. And don't come at me about the economy, the economy has been steadily improving since 2010 but y'all didn't want to acknowledge that until Orangina got in office. But let me get off politics because I'm not supporting Biden's stupid ass either. It would be nice if we had a worthy candidate, a dream deferred.

Although I feel helpless at times, I won't give up. I still have hope for the future. But the future starts now, it starts with us. Have empathy, be sincere, treat people as you would have them treat you. That's a good starting point, but remember, that's just the starting point.

#WeveGotWorkToDo

#BlackLivesMatter

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will

[lightupmyass]

Pairing: Demon! Taehyung x Devil's Spawn! Reader (feat. Seokjin)

A/N: Hello everyone! So this is the first thing over written in a really long time. I had other blogs that I posted on that I have since become inactive on. This blog is a place for me to basically post whatever I want with no theme. Do keep in mind, I haven't actually completely written anything in months so this might be shit, but I hope you like it!

Warnings: pwp, possession, dirty talk, unprotected sex, rough sex, cameo of Seokjin's huge shlong

It's been so long since the first time you heard him, you can't even remember how it happened. Ever since you were a little girl, there's been a little voice inside your head, one different from yours. He always called himself Taehyung, claiming to be sent by your "true father" to keep an eye on you. You never understood what he meant until you were older.

"Sorry about the mix up, ma'am. I promise it won't happen again." You apologize to the woman at your counter, handing her the correct bag of food after an issue with the drive thru orders. "Happen again? Of course it won't happen again! I'm not coming back until you get your employees in line!" The middle age woman shouts, grabbing the bag out of your hand before turning on her heels, leaving you with the biggest fake smile you've ever put on as you silently curse her out. "You know, I still don't see why you let people walk all over you like that, Princess. You're the daughter of the devil, you could literally just banish her to hell and have your father take care of her. You're too nice." Taehyung chuckles. "You obviously don't understand how humans work, Tae. I can't just banish them to hell so Daddy can clean up my mess every time some rude ass bitch tries me." You think back to the demon. This is how your conversations always went. Obviously talking out loud to the voice in your head would look strange to say the least, so you were able to communicate with him through your thoughts. However, that also meant that none of your thoughts were kept to yourself, meaning every little daydream or rude comment you made in your mind were also shared with him.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. I just think you should maybe, I dunno, act less like a human? They're disgusting creatures." He scoffs, making you roll your eyes. "They are not. Some of them are really nice for, certain things." You huff. Luckily your shift is almost over, so you take your apron off, cleaning up to go home. "Sure, because that guy from the other night was so good at those 'certain things'." The reminder of the disappointing hook up from earlier in the week gets to you, your rage slowly intensifying. "That was just one time. Normally things go really well. That night was just, weird. Like, I'm kinky, but that guy was less kinky, more creepy." You cringe at the memory. "You gotta stop getting hung up on them. Find yourself a nice demon to marry. There's one right here that's already stuck with you for life, so why not make it official?" You can't tell if he's serious or not, so you just ignore him.

"Trying to make up for the other night? What, did I get to you earlier?" Taehyung laughs as you take a swig of your drink, scoping out the dance floor. "You know, I could do better than any of the guys out there. I have eons of experience. Just say the words and I can be the best you've ever had or will ever have again." You scoff at his confidence. "Alright, don't break your arm jerking yourself off. I'm sure I can find someone that can please me even better than you ever could." You giggle, catching the eyes of a tall, gorgeous man from across the room. The man smirks, heading towards you as you down the rest of your drink, fixing the hem of your dress so it sits a little higher on your thighs.

"Hey. Sorry, I just had to come over and say that dress looks really good on you." The man smiles brightly at you, towering over you even while you sit on the tall barstool. You smile at the compliment, running a hand over the soft silk button up he has tucked into his slacks. "You don't look so bad yourself. I'm Y/N, and you are?" "Seokjin. Care to dance?" The man asks, holding his hand out to you. "I think I have a better idea." You smirk.

"Oh fuck!" You gasp, Seokjin's huge cock stretching out your walls as he thrusts inside of you, sweat dripping off his forehead to land onto your breasts. His face buries in your neck as you wrap your arms around him. "Please. I can still make you feel so much better. This dude is too vanilla." Taehyung's voice rings through your mind. It was times like this that you wish he could just leave you alone so you could enjoy the pleasure in peace. "So bi-ig. Feels so fucking good." You moan, nails scraping against Seokjin's broad back. "Yeah, big is good and all, but if you don't know how to use it, it's not worth it." You try your best to ignore him, but the more he talks, the harder it becomes. "I mean, a dick like that, if he flipped you over and rammed into you from behind you'd be gushing in seconds. What a waste, doesn't even know how to fuck right." The more he talks, the more you imagine the things he says, and you like it. "He didn't even go down on you either. Is this his first time? This is way too slow for a one night stand. What you need is a good, rough fuck that leave your legs shaking and your head spinning. A fuck where the only thing you can remember is his name." He's just ranting at this point, but you can't help how it makes you feel, the pleasure intensifying as your mind wanders. A loud moan apparently catches his attention, a devious chuckle ringing through your head.

"Like the sound of that, huh Princess? Being fucked from behind, your face shoved into the pillow, or maybe being held against a man's chest while his hand wraps around your throat? So dirty, Princess." He tsks. You bite your lip, trying to hold back your moans, not wanting to show him how much he's affecting you. "Don't you wanna be fucked like that, Princess? Get fucked stupid? I keep telling you, I can make you feel good. Just say the magic words and I can give you everything you deserve. Say the words, Princess. Call my name." Taehyung's voice deepens, and you can feel yourself teetering off the edge, both from his words and Seokjin's cock still fucking into you. "Oh, fuck, please Tae!" You cry out, realizing a little too late what you said out loud. Seokjin stops, pulling away from you. "Tae? Whose Tae?" Shit.

"Oh, it's uh, it's nothing. I just, um-" "Look, I'm sorry, but if you're caught on some other dude, I'm not into it. Feelings with other people get way too confusing. I'm sorry, I can't keep going." Seokjin sighs, sitting up and covering himself with a sheet. You nod, knowing you can't stay. "Hey, if things don't work out with this Tae guy, give me a call, yeah?" He smiles as you get dressed.

"Dammit, Tae. You completely ruined the night. I hope you're happy." You think to yourself, hoping he can tell how pissed off you are at yet another unsatisfying lay. Tossing your keys on your counter top, you sigh, closing your eyes. "Nothing smart to say now, asshole? Just like you to run away and not take responsibility for your actions." You huff, irritated that he's ignoring you now. You plow down on your couch, deciding whether or not you should take a shower before bed, until there's a knock on your door. Groaning, you get up to look through the peephole, seeing a man that you've never seen before. Too angry to think clearly, you open the door, ready to tell at the man to go away. Before you can say anything, however, you're backed into your house, pinned up against the wall and soft lips moving hungrily against yours.

You gasp, pushing the man away in shock. "Hey, what the hell?!" You shout, the man stumbling back a little, a smirk on his face. "Oh, come on now, Princess, don't act like you didn't like it." A familiar voice comes from the strange man, your eyebrows knitting in confusion. "T-Tae? Is that you?" You ask, stunned. The man poses, a big boxy smile taking over his lips. "In the flesh. Well, someone to flesh. Dunno exactly who he is, but it works. Hot, right?" He asks. He's not wrong, the man is incredibly attractive, wavy blonde hair falling into his flawless face, rings decorating his long fingers, earring chain dangling from his earlobe, and a nice suit hiding a seemingly fit body. "Mhm." You hum, trying to keep yourself from drooling. You can barely remember why you were mad until you're backed into the wall again, wrists pinned above your head.

"Why are you home so early? I was hoping to surprise you. What, did he not finish you off?" Taehyung asks, his head cocking to the side as his eyes roam over your body. "Well, apparently saying another man's name is kind of a cock block for some guys." You huff, turning your head to the side. "You actually said my name out loud? Oh, Princess. So needy for me while you were already stuffed full of cock. What a dirty whore." He hums, lips ghosting over the soft skin on your neck. "Well it's not my fault you're so good at dirty talk." You mumble. "I'm good at other things too, Princess. Want me to show you?" You moan as his lips attach to your neck, kissing and nipping at the skin as his leg slips between yours, giving you something to grind on.

He drops your wrists in favor of tugging your dress down, letting it pool at your feet, his eyes enjoying the lack of bra. "Mm, let's go. Bedroom. Now." He orders, giving a smack on the side of your thigh. You jump into action, rushing to your bedroom and sitting on the edge of the bed, spreading your legs as he stalks in after you. "Good girl. You're very good at this." He smiles as he leans down, catching your lips in a chaste kiss before kneeling in front of you, large hands running up and down your thighs. "Tae, please. Just fuck me." You whine, grabbing him by the back of his neck, fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. The denial of release from Seokjin had you even more desperate for Taehyung to make you feel good. He smirks, grabbing your hand and bringing it to his mouth to place a kiss on it. "Y/N, I don't get to use this body for long, so I'm gonna make the most of it. Don't worry, you'll get fucked, but right now, just let me do what I want." He wraps his arms around your legs, your back falling onto the mattress as he pulls your pussy to his face, your legs over his shoulders.

"Been wanting to taste you for so long." He hums against you, the vibrations sending waves through you, making you shudder. "Please, Tae. Make me feel good. Want you so bad. Need you." You beg, hoping he'll stop teasing you. Your wish is granted as he licks a strip up your folds, tongue flicking against your clit before he moans into you. "Shit, Tae." You moan, fingers immediately finding purchase in his hair as your hips move against his mouth, doing everything possible to get the most pleasure. "So wet already. Is it from him, or me?" Taehyung asks, pulling away and using his finger to trace over your slit, coating the digit in your slick. "Y-You. All for you." You moan as he slips his finger inside of you, pumping it slowly. You definitely don't need any prepping, but his long fingers reach exactly where you need them to, driving you crazy as he picks up the pace. "Good girl. I swear to you, no one will ever make you feel as good as I will."

He slips three fingers inside of you, pounding relentlessly as his tongue flicks against your clit, fingers curling perfectly inside of you to have you teetering over the edge in a matter of minutes. You're hit with an intense wave of pleasure, crying out as your legs shake, wetness coating your thighs and his face as he continues through your high, pulling away when you start whimpering. "Damn, you've never done that before." He smirks, rubbing your thighs gently as you calm down, licking what he can of your essence off his face. All you can do is lazily chuckle as you wipe the sweat off your forehead. You start to relax, closing your eyes, calming down a bit until you hear a deep chuckle. Looking up you see Taehyung shirtless, wiping his face with the white button up. "Now Princess, why are you acting like we're finished here?" He chuckles. The cocky smirk on his face, the list and hunger in his eyes, you can't help but feel afraid and excited all over again.

You lick your lips as you examine the body he's borrowed. It's incredible really. Not too buff, but the perfect kind of fit. Somewhat toned but not intimidatingly so. He looked perfect, and the large tent you find growing in his slacks only add to it. You kneel on the bed, beckoning him to come closer. When he does your fingers trace over his waistband, unbuckling his belt as he watches, entertained by how eager you are. Before you can unbutton his pants he grabs your hands, stopping you. "Unh unh. You don't get to see it. If you see, you might like it just because it's the owner of this body. When I fuck you, you're going to focus on the fact that it's me. I make you feel good, understand? Doesn't matter what body I use." You nod in understanding, remembering that this body isn't his to own, and that the next time you summon him, he might need to use another body.

"My sweet Princess. Turn around, ass up, face down. Let me make you feel good." He whispers, rubbing your cheek with his thumb. The way he talks, you sense that maybe this isn't just the simple fuck session you thought it was. You can feel something in your heart, the tone of his words warming your heart while making you drip again. You do as he says, your he'd resting on your pillows as you put yourself on display for him, impatiently waiting as you hear his pants hit the floor, the bed dipping behind you. "Mm, so beautiful." He whispers as his large hands rest of your ass cheeks. Before you know it, the head of his cock is teasing your entrance before pushing into you, earning a loud moan from you as he fills you up. It wasn't bigger than Seokjin's but it was damn close, the position making it even better. He was right, Seokjin had no idea what he was doing, but you know deep down that Taehyung is about to do exactly what he said he would.

"Fuck, still so tight. Always imagined how your cunt would feel. So fucking perfect." He groans, gripping your hips as he buries all the way into you. "Tae, fuck me please. Need you to fuck me nice and hard." You beg, moving your hips, bouncing yourself on his cock. He hums, pumping himself into you. "You want me to fuck you, huh? Nice and hard? Can you handle that?" He asks, pulling out and pounding into you so hard your entire body lurches forward. "Fuck! Yes! Please!" You cry out, gripping onto the pillow by your head. "Fucking slut." He mutters before pounding into you again, tugging your hips to meet his thrusts as you just lay there and take it, being too overwhelmed to actually do anything else. "Is this what you wanted, Princess? Or do you want more?" He asks. You don't know what he means until he grabs your shoulder, pulling you up until you're flush against his chest, his hips still moving as his hand wraps around your throat, his fingers tightening their grip. You gasp, not actually expecting this from him.

"Fuck, you must really like this, huh? Can feel you, clenching around me. I fucking love it." He moans, his teeth digging into your shoulder, causing you to shudder. He drops you, your body falling back onto the bed as he pulls out of you, turning you onto your back before slipping back into you. His hands grip the headboard as he fucks into you again, the force behind his thrusts making the entire bed shake. You try to curse, cry out his name, say anything, but all you're capable of are moans and gasps as he pounds your sweet spot. "Fuck, Princess, you gonna cum for me? Gonna cream all over my cock? Come on, Y/N, want you to cum for me." He groans. It's only a few more thrusts before you lose control, walls squeezing tight around him, triggering his own orgasm and milking him for all he's worth and you ride out your high, gasping for air.

His body collapses on top of yours, the mixture of cum dripping out of your still full hole as his sweat drips onto you. "Fuck. That was amazing." He gasps, finally pulling out of you and laying next to you, your pussy clenching around nothing now as cum drips out of you, making a mess on your sheets. You can only hum in agreement as you turn, resting your leg on top of his as his arm slides under your neck. "You alright, Princess? I didn't break you, did I?" He asks, concerned. You shake your head, still not able to form words, earning a hearty laugh from him. "Did you get fucked silly, Princess? Well, next time, be careful what you wish for. Rest up a little. I'm not done with you yet." He smirks. What the hell did you get yourself into?

[priscachathyoka]

Evaluation

For this project I have been looking at Hallucination and everything that falls under that bracket of hallucinations I have researched scientifically reasons as to why people may hallucinate and also medicinal reasons, traumatic reasons etc. I was passionate about this topic as I’ve stated it is something that fascinates me and that i have experience with.  I wanted to express that having hallucinations does not automatically mean that you are mentally unstable of sick , but it can be something wonderful and memorable, which is rather different from how i started my project. This is because after doing research on famous artists, designers, creators i soon realized you can learn a lot from hallucination and you can have good experiences with it which changed my look onto it regardless of my own personal experiences.

All my research was done via the internet where i was also to get any images i required for my work. I done all my experiments in my sketchbook which will be handed in physically. I am happy with the outcome of the dress as I feel I did not have high expectation for it but it turned out as i wanted it to be just with small differences.

In this project I wanted to achieve Mental health awareness in the main  form of Hallucinations, my aim for this project was to plan, compile and edit a sketchbook of project work along with a final outcome to explore and clearly show my chosen narrative. I done this by researching some of the causes of hallucinations and how they can impact someone's mental health and the different ways some cultures and communities react to mental health. From this I was able to find inspiration fashion designers who focus on mental health which influenced my designs and illustrations for example my illustration that was inspired by Craig Green. Along with using different verity of skills such as, pattern cutting, CAD, garment construction and print. In addition to deciding on a narrative of Hallucinations I went on to adding research and samples into my sketchbook that related to my concept. 

Majority of my samples where from my own time outside of lector hours, this is where I was able to create sample paintings in my sketchbook and samples from weaving hoops and the dissolvable stitching paper also my illustrations. If I managed my time better I would have liked to make digital illustrations, this would  have been helpful as it would have enabled me to show a more wide verity of skills and also would have allowed me to have different patterns or pictures on my illustration and show me how my final garment would look as well as a complete design. 

For my Personal brief it focuses on ‘Realm’ which questions mental health and religion, I wanted to look into this more which made me come across the ‘BAME’ minority, here I found that facts that people in the BAME minority do not take mental health seriously and this also helped me find Craig Green concept of communalism and religion etc, also another fashion designer by the name of Kerby Jean-Raymond which was a BLM activist as well as an upcoming designer who is known to not be not shy of political topics. My research led me to create illustrations, one illustration had printed lines onto them and the other with two shades of blue on both illustration. This led me into creating samples of D.I.Y dye on clothes to link to Kerby Jean-Raymond which if I done before would have linked yo my final piece. Although I did not completely state the focus of my final piece I feel as though it is justifiable because I was not too sure which direction my project was heading in which I was alright with as I had just started my project.

In terms of practical skills, I’d say I have many ideas but not so good exaction plans for me to farfel the tings I want to do. I say this because, It is evident In my blog that I am capable of researching things to help push my project forward but coming up with sample ideas that help progress my project theme has proven to be rather difficult. I say this because I found It hard to create samples that correctly portray what I wanted. The progress I’ve made with the skills I've been putting to work our my illustrations, weaving and my design skills. I feel this way because from the start of the year until now I would not have been able to design clothing from the top of my head but currently I can say that, that is not longer an issue of mine however there is still room for improvement. Mostly I am happy with my capability of using a sewing machine, as I sewed the fabric together of my dress, i required a bit of assistance with the sleeves as I was making mistakes and had to get them fixed. A weakness of mine would be getting side tracked and distracted and my time management, this is something I'm working on because for this reason its why I’m late or not keeping up with tasks that I should be keeping up with and not able to create all the samples I want to make.

My final piece has links to designers such as Alexandre McQueen and Kerby Jean-Raymond, I say this because my final piece has projected images/patterns onto it and I kept the colour of the dress as white specifically so that the projection can be more noticeable. Although my project does not focus on sustainability my fabrics were ones that can be reused or recycled. I planned on using Organza on my sleeves but soon realized after feeling the fabric it would not accommodate the elasticity i required to be around the arms therefor I settled on using elastic. For the esthetics of my garment I chose to keep it very simply but effective by projecting a colorful sunset coloured picture onto the dress as my final garment I chose tis because no one lese in the class had thought of doing this also because I knew I did not have much time to paint anything or print anything onto my garment. therefore I chose this because I knew it would still be effective with the time I was working with. 

Overall, I am content with my work even though I know my work could have been better and more work could have gone into it if I used my time wisely. I have decided to take this module as big learning curb, meaning I have realized after having to retake this module that I am passionate about fashion and need to do more to show that in my work in order to be able to return next semester. I am practicing my sewing skills as I have now got a sewing machine to practice on, I am hoping I’m skills can improve over this summer break before returning so that I can be on the same level as everyone else in my year. I am really happy with my pattern cutting of the sleeves of my dress as I feel those turned out to be the most that resembled my actual designs, I would like to also start practicing more doing more digital illustrations and learn more on garment contraction all things I can start looking into before I return to University.

[janadaniel4grassroots]

THE DIRTIEST DATA

TARGET FOR TORTURE

A TRUE ACCOUNT OF

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIM

September 2020

Contributor: Jana Daniel

Grassroots Guardians of Truth

UPROOT a DV Movement

The goal was to torture me through my own account that way no trace.. I did it to myself because I'm insane. Covert ops in a time where technology is impressive but vulnerable to data corruptions and lack of understanding especially in the legal arena where a firm understanding is needed the most. I was researching and running pilot programs to discover ways to truly keep women who make it out safe without cutting them off from society. This experience has proven that I'm a textbook case with tenure. Everything happens for a reason and my advocacy and philanthropy pursuits are far from over. The following is a percent of what occured and what I saw, technology throughputs allowed manipulative imagery and allowed changes to text photos before sent. The need is abundant whether we are ready or not.

Amazing what a year can do. I've learned an excessive amount of information now that I've acclimated to the happenings. By now, everyone has heard of predictive text and I'm sure it comes in handy. However, my experience was quite different. The global keyboard uploaded without my prompt, by a second individual who accessed my account on a seperate device and through the Google Play Store selected and downloaded the app. As my phone updated around 3 am the keyboard app uploaded and would change automatically while typing. I write a lot, so this became problematic and prevented me from continuing my endeavors until a solution is found. It would be another 7 months little did I know, before my life was my own again. A virtual kidnapping essentially the best way to describe this systematic, continual abuse and crime against a person. It's killing me faster than the physical abuse because I couldn't identify the perpetrators.

Deep-thinking and clear understanding of what is occuring and where protections and oversight will be needed. Automated decision making isn't a human function and nor what we're accustomed to. In less than a year due to the reality that someone or something is communicating data to me, i began to rely on the predictive guideline set before me just as an officer would be able to predictively policy enforce. But that in fact is exactly the point, there is a violation of human, civil, and individual rights to not be infringed upon. For my own pursuits in life I try to maintain a secure system and in doing so through my ordinary course of business I conduct certain procedures. One being, data mining, another being continued education, pilot programs when available, etc. I had experienced a different breach around December and I began seeking the identity of the criminal.

Initially, unsupervised or monitored only, (permission not given for either) coded script played out on my screen. After I reported, the game changed. Suddenly, an advasarial context is all that I'm receiving and I'm suddenly the victim of targeted surveillance that I'm very well aware of. Let's face it, you normally wouldn't know that you are being placed under surveillance. I now know that this in fact was, an example of Deep learning of general advasarial Neuro network a GAN with a generator and a discriminator being put against each other. Understanding that what your brain fires on it wires on as well. They fed the deepfake scenarios to me each with enough truth or probability that I had no choice but to seek the remaining info that they failed to disclose and that is described as (mask) words. It took a lot of time initially but I became more efficient as I continued to learn.

As protected individuals by order of a domestic violence protective order, to have the Thomas Co Sheriff Dept. And the Pelham PD testing my ability to decipher the information, realizing that I see what is happening and being further disrespected and even asked to park and contact an ambulance to let them know that I need help finding the right person, who at the time someone was insinuating that my deceased father was alive. The cops didn't even investigate.. couldn't get more obvious they violated my constitutional rights and mine and my children's rights as victims of DV. My children, by the way, utilize the phone as well, the constant changes to the screen and location of the apps was noticed first by my son. No matter what I did they had control of the content in the phone. Using face recognition to identify if I'm telling the truth and constantly surveilling me. My vehicle too, equiped to note my every move. Taunted by my home devices such as the ring light that would switch off when I needed the lights on. I haven't had moment's peace since the leave. I'm to blame according to the Sheriff Dept. Odd doesn't seem reasonable but okay, I have to use the healing process to investigate.

I wish I could say that is where it ended, far from it actually. Social engineered to stop trusting in everything, creating discord with people I'd just began to connect with after years of isolation. Then in state of grieving the loss only father, vulnerabilities exploited, cognitive dissonance attempted to create an unstable demeanor because who could possibly explain that cards- Google search pages- are leading to videos that contain AI image alterations so that what you see is familiar. Someone was available twenty four hours a day and when I wasn't seeking the information, someone was threatening me predictively and also implemented sounds that at first I didn't distinguish as just sounds. This would occur throughout the night sometimes. I honestly believed that we were in danger. I fell from the healthy state that I had just had a glimpse of into a sickened, deregulated state that would continue for months. Words uncommonly used by myself such as Tactically, vie, omniscient, etc. would flash and storyline would clearly be laid before me. Other tactics were used such as Fuzzing, quasi-imperceptible, emotional extortion at it's finest. It will be blamed on AI technology, but they failed to understand the identifying bits of info that I detected and categorized chronologically and per device or paper that they derived from.

I will be blamed for not seeing my children who were removed due to DV. I'll take the blame because it was a decision I was able to make due to the fact that I was being encouraged to have all four of the children together in order to get the money. Seemed like a ploy so I went alone to Rundown the people who had become increasingly more than I expected. Conspirators, bribe takers, and there's us… Collateral damage. It seemed to have turned into a game where death was the intent. I held on because I knew that someone has been made aware and I had reported to different agencies and to my trusted friends. Time lingered, and three months became six and suddenly they were threatening to arrest someone else. Realizing that they've violated our rights and worked diligently to destroy the security that I had worked so hard to establish after escaping DV with the belongings in my vehicle. They still were far from done. I had been forced to live without AC and the plumbing problematic after an attempted repair by the landlord left my room flooded. The Corona Pandemic began the same time, also the first and last time that my spouse had paid child support. After three months, they came to collect the rent. It now June, I demanded the air be fixed to no avail. I then had all repairs done myself. I spoke with him expecting a negotiation and then received an eviction notice. Upon filing a response and counterclaim, I was ordered an extra month rent above the amount petitioned for… I received no credit for the repairs that I had just had made, and I had seven days to vacate. I did not mention that the entire three months of No child support, no AC, no response from the landlord, that I had been receiving predictive context stating… “We built a prison just for you” forced to sleep with our windows open, remain outside during the day.. in a matter of no time, our happy home had become our misery. I offered the landlord the full judgement amount cash in hand, he denied to take it , he said he prefered that I move out. I didn't get my appeal in because I had confirmed that our family land has been sold under the premise of an invalid will and just as ten years before, heritage stolen from us all. Seven days came quickly and I didn't have but one who I still trusted at that point. I was granted a couple days and demeaned in the process. On that last day I left with my children who were unaware that we no longer has a home. We hadn't enjoyed any of the summer so I took my children on what they knew as a vacation. I was a nervous wreck managing them and their little hands, don't touch, don't breath, the virus! As I searched for options within my budget and tried to predict the next time that he networks and deprives. I decided that I will use the land that I own and homestead. No one can ever put us in that situation again. Now how can I make this work? I haven't built the house yet due to the lengthy divorce and the other intentionally created variables. Without revealing everything, I made it work and the house will be built soon.

After all of that, if it were a LAN network and the neighborhood and city were to blame then it's over… The worst has yet to come. My lawyer dropped the ball, so there was no contempt hearing, meaning no support from the abusive spouse. The final divorce scheduled for Monday August 24th. On Thursday prior, I advised my attorney that I wasn't a lamb being led to slaughter and neither are my children. I am not impressed with her demeanor seemingly in defense of the opposing side and reiterated that she needs to advise me of what the correspondence is rather than knowing everything they're saying and leaving me in the dark. She said that was mailing a check for $1500 of the $5k he owes. I explained how I intended on explaining everything to the judge with physical example of two clean devices in which he could type a sentence structure and I across the room could in fact with acceptable accuracy through mining relay his message… I was placed on hold, then she was going to return my call. I received an email the next day stating the hearing had been cancelled. I guess I was close enough to cause cleanup on DiVorce-20. I couldn't make up the incompetcy if I tried… it's been over a year and she let my protective order expire when she let the scheduling fail the kids and I. She's knowingly prolonged everything working an agenda.

Meanwhile, I'm mining data, and see threatening communications about my mother being the price that I will pay. For two days and there was even a signature of 4umud:\3 I had seen threatening messages all the while through, they wanted me to harm myself, so I didn't realize the gravity of the situation until the morning of August 27th, when they told me she had passed away. I am trying to hold it together, my heart is broken into pieces. In the last year and a half I lost my father, escaped DV so I thought, pandemic, bought a household full of furniture, got evicted after being tormented, burned most if the furniture that I had bought just a year ago, and then have to accept my mother's passing after being told of it prior to. How? I write sometimes into the night… Only to wake up and see everything has been deleted or modified to look like jibberish.

The plan was to make me appear alone and unstable. Then with a signature they could get the rest of what I have. The Underwoods made everyone think that I had a big check, that's so they would attack me and funny how I said to him.. your plan isn't going to work… He said they have a new one and the two days before my mom died he didn't call.. he has and did call every single day but those two days. So no, I don't believe that anyone has been here to help there is no reason that I could. The full story would take forever to explain a hundred different things … Deep learning of how sick these people are. That statement is inclusive of some judges, some lawyers, some landowner, some banker, some ex's, some banker, and some evils.

Regarding the factual basis for my findings… an advasarial context targeted at DV Victim and At some point to gain a new level of trust an observer weighed in - ALL CAPS- it appeared to be but this is stalking and Harassment using the same protocol as a guideline. Being that I worked for the Baldwin's and the quantity of equipment, servers, and technology couples with security… I'd say that BYOD could have easily attached to any device that I've had especially if someone made the mistake of hacking the email that I had as a corporate address. Quasi-imperceptible as everything in convulsion is nearly impossible to figure out. Casual reasoning nearly out the window now that I've used the Ai tech inappropriately due to the advasarial context intended to disrupt and destabilize.

Disquis was an app that he or someone loaded to my account and I did go back and test most of the apps I saw because I needed to know what info was obtained and how to prevent in the future. Red team, that's me. ResGN to reinforce the learning and GPT-2 is quickly being replaced by GPT-3 a natural language system that whether forward or back will remember the context of the usage of the specific word. Cryptography circles implemented initially to create a trustless environment. Deepfake tech that I've lived for ten years without the fancy assigned label's. Ultimately the same as always… Doubt your reality and make sure everyone doubts your capabilities because how else can they suck the soul out if you. If you see me and don't recognize me… Know it's because he is wearing my reflection… If I take it back he is the one who looks like an empty shell. I am not empty.. I have a flicker.

I hope this helps you understand that I'm capable of handling the delivery of proof and facts that will assist others to understand that this is a very sophisticated form of technology and weaponry all the same when abused and causes one to harm another or one to harm themselves then I'd say the prosecution rate will increase significantly. Once recognized for the heinous malfunctioned personality that takes the time and devotion to harm another in such a way that is worth what I just endured teaching myself because the law and legal representation failed to do anything to help ... Oh except drop the contempt, postpone the final, and my protective order expired too.

"If you really have to do something ... Go alone!" generations of wisdom... William Kirby Daniel