#'i am confident enough in myself and my perception of this character that i can speak freely about my interpretations without the fear of

[rainbowsparklecur]

i am going to try to psychoanalyze myself hold on. i think one of the reasons i am always so scared of sharing my art and headcanons (especially headcanons,,) is because i spend a lot of time observing the homestuck fandom. a place that is from what ive seen filled with tons of different headcanons and interpretations of characters and also people yelling at each other and hyperanalyzing and vagueposting about said headcanons and interpretations of characters

[glikeriya-narkevich]

I'm not sure if this will really be interesting to anyone, but I've long wanted to write my headcanons about Bi-Han's possessiveness. This post was written before the DLC was released, and I deliberately didn't make any changes to it because my attitude towards Khaos Reigns is sharply negative. I'm just using my right to distance myself from what I don't like, and I won't mention the DLC, because I think that Bi-Han, as a character, was disfigured almost beyond recognition in this DLC. I'm happy for those who like Khaos Reigns. But personally, I don't justify destroying 30 years of canon by saying that now MK has a "new era," so we can bury the original characters, cry on their grave, and move on. The authors themselves may not care about their own characters, but I personally care about them; I love them. I've noticed that those who have loved MK since the last parts really don't understand the sadness of big-aged fans like me, i.e., those who have been with MK characters almost all their lives.

I apologize in advance if my post suddenly hurts someone's feelings. Remember, these are just headcanons. This is just my vision of Bi-Han and my personal perception of this character based on information from the game. After all, every fan sees the character through the prism of personal experience and their own worldview. Sometimes it happens that the reader's/viewer's perception of a character is very different even from what the author himself sees the character as, and that's okay. My text is very very long...

A little lyrical digression. Sometimes we all have such different psychological baggage that we see the same character in fundamentally different ways. It's enough to read some discussions about the characters to make sure of this. There are real wars going on in such discussions! There is a good term in philosophy called Qualia. It means that to experience something is possible only in first person and in no other way; i.e., I can never see a character through another person's eyes, and he can never look at the same character through my eyes. We won't fully understand each other's feelings about the same character, even if we both love him equally much. Two people can taste wine from the same bottle, but one will say, „The wine is too sweet,“ but the other will say, „No, the wine is not sweet enough.“ It's the same with character perception.

So, feelings of possessiveness and jealousy often come from self-doubt and fear of loss. This, I think, does not fit Bi-Han. For example, if Bi-Han had broken up with his woman, he would have considered it her loss first of all, not his own. I don't think Bi-Han would ponder along the lines of, „What did I do wrong?“. Rather, he would have thought, „She should have appreciated me for what I am!“. It is unlikely that Bi-Han would worry that there was something wrong with him since the woman left him. He would rather worry that he himself had been inconsiderate and not vigilant, „How could I have been so blind that I chose the 'wrong' woman?“. And yet, I think that in the depths of Bi-Han's soul there lives a doubting child, whom Bi-Han consciously keeps under a layer of pride, ambition, self-confidence, and other things, just to never see that child's eyes. He doesn't want to look into the eyes of this child, whom he himself buried at the bottom of his own soul. This is hinted at by the fact that Bi-Han craves respect from those whom he respected himself (general Shao) and from the one who is more powerful than him (lord Liu Kang). Bi-Han wants to prove that he is worthy of their respect. The desire to prove something to other people often stems from insecurity and self-doubt. It is as if Bi-Han wants to prove to himself through the respect of his personality by other strong personalities that „I am really worthy of respect.“

But also jealousy and possessiveness are inherent in power and control. Bi-Han is ambitious and still confident for the most part, but he's also bossy and used to controlling everything, so I'm sure he would be possessive. I think he would treat his woman the way he treats Lin Kuei. The clan belongs to him, but he takes care of the clan as his family. He puts the interests of the clan first, but he never forgets that he is the head of the clan. „Mind your place!“.

He always has the last word. He cares what his warriors are doing; he always keeps everyone in sight, because that's the duty of a leader, in the same way he would keep his woman in sight. For example, if she was talking to the leader of another clan at some diplomatic meeting, of course Bi-Han wouldn't have a 'tantrum' about it (someone who is jealous out of fear of loss would absolutely have a 'tantrum'). But Bi-Han would have kept this situation under control, because he has the power; he is the head; he is, by nature, the leader of the pack, whose members he needs to keep a close eye on.

I think Bi-Han values loyalty above all else. Those who betray his will he punishes, which is evident in the fight scene between Bi-Han and Kuai Liang. Bi-Han wants to punish those who betrayed him. He did not let Kuai Liang „out of the pack“; Bi-Han is eager to punish him. This desire is a consequence of possessiveness and loss of control over his brother. Bi-Han would be even more attached to the woman he loves than to his brother, so he would not give her freedom if she left the pack, but within the pack she would be completely free.

Bi-Han would definitely support his woman's aspirations for self-actualization. He would do everything to ensure that she develops and does not waste her potential in vain, but within his will, if she is a member of his pack. If his woman were to strive for what Bi-Han considers wrong, he would turn off the freedom mode and turn on the power and control mode. This is the quality of any leader who has people under him. For example, a king and his people, a general and his soldiers, etc. No one will hold power if he gives absolute freedom to those who obey him. 'I am the king, and this is my kingdom. You are doing something for the good of my kingdom—I will do anything to make you prosper. You are doing something to my kingdom's detriment—you will be stopped and punished'. My deepest conviction is that between the clan and the love for a woman, Bi-Han will always choose the clan, but I don't think that choice will ever be put before him.

This works in normal relationships as well. A husband will not stand idly by if his wife starts doing something to the detriment of their family and vice versa just the same. Spouses have control over each other after all. There is no union within absolute freedom. If you are free from each other, there is no point in being together and building love. Freedom and trust are not the same thing. Freedom is „I do whatever I want.“ Trust is „I do whatever I want within the framework of the trust you have given me.“ A love union is always an intertwining of two lives; when lives are intertwined with each other, absolute freedom can no longer be, because there is mutual influence and regular exchange of physical and spiritual impulses with each other. But control does not mean despotism. For example, when a parent controls a child who wanders off somewhere late at night, the parent is showing concern for the child, not restricting the child's freedom. Hence Liu Kang's control of Noob Saibot. He wants to control Bi-Han out of a sense of caring, but Bi-Han perceives this the way a teenager perceives the will of a parent. He sees it as oppressive. Bi-Han himself, meanwhile, loves power and control over others. He wants to punish Kuai Liang because he has lost control over him. The punishment is an attempt to regain control over Kuai Liang.

I'm sure that there will be a hierarchical relationship with Bi-Han, but in a healthy way, like in a wolf family. In general, the Lin Kuei clan reminds me of a wolf pack in which Bi-Han is the leader to whom all the other wolves obey. But the she-wolf does not rule the pack, although she is a monogamous pair to the leader and also participates in the management of the pack almost equally with the leader. The leader protects his she-wolf; in nature there are known amazing cases when a wolf covered his pregnant she-wolf with his body from a hunter.

Bi-Han, of course, is not a tyrant towards women and is not a misogynist even more so; it's clear to everyone. But I don't see him as a „guardian of freedoms“ in a romantic relationship either, because he is a powerful man and the head of an entire clan, which he wants to make an independent state. Bi-Han hates the old traditions but loves strict discipline. He hates his father's traditions, but he wants to become the founder of his own traditions in Lin Kuei. He is not alien to what he rejects; he just wants to be the demiurge of his own life. Even if Bi-Han is absolutely sure in his woman and in her devotion to him, he will keep her in his sights out of a sense of power and control, not because he subconsciously expects betrayal. The phrase „you're mine“ is not coaxing; it's a statement of fact. Like a king who says, „This is my land.“ He is not persuading others to believe that this land belongs to him; he is simply stating a fact.

Bi-Han and his woman are a kind of king and queen. The queen can also rule, but as long as the king is alive, he is the number one in the kingdom. Can the queen influence the king? Of course she can. But what the king will do with this influence is only his choice, not the queen's choice. The king may succumb to the queen's influence, or he may resist it. There is both darkness and light in Bi-Han. Characters like Bi-Han are among those who are always at a crossroads, so whether the woman next to him is light or dark is extremely important. I find relationships with elements of sacrifice interesting. If you imagine that Bi-Han is a drop of black paint and his woman is a drop of white paint, and they were both thrown into a glass of water, then the water will turn gray. Yes, Bi-Han will not be purified, but he will become much lighter. And his woman won't turn into a sinner, but she will take on some of his sins and won't be as white as she was before. Personally, I am interested in this kind of relationship from an artistic point of view, and I imagine Bi-Han in this kind of relationship.

The possessiveness of an insecure man is really disrespect for the one he is jealous of. But Bi-Han's possessiveness is like that of a general who respects and values his army, but the army is always subject to his orders. A good general is even ready to lay down his life for his men if necessary. This is also how I think Bi-Han would have behaved towards a woman. He would respect and appreciate her, but she would always be subordinate to him hierarchically, like a queen to a king, not a slave to a master. This is noble, for the one in front gets the first blow and covers the one behind.

Okay, well, my last headcanon for today. In the intimate sphere, I think Bi-Han would like to rest and relax. He is constantly under psychoemotional and physical stress. He is constantly controlling something or someone, so in the bedroom, Bi-Han would like to calm down and let go of the 'reins' of rule. I think Bi-Han would make love with great emotional passion because he has to wear the mask of a cold and stoic Grandmaster on a daily basis. At night, he would give vent to his emotions, which he has to keep in check during the day. From my point of view, Bi-Han is a very emotional person, but he has to 'grit his teeth' to appear restrained and not show others the state of his inner world.

But no animal dominance in bed. Bi-Han would like a respite from power. He needs moments during which his psyche can unload and rest. A man who is in a storm all the time will wish for a calm at least once in a while. With whom can he have a calm experience? With someone he trusts completely: the woman he loves. Perhaps it is even connected with his longing for his mother and for her affection, which was from time to time in Bi-Han's distant childhood. I think that an intimate relationship with his woman would open some kind of portal to the warm, though very rare, moments of experiencing maternal affection in his childhood. Perhaps Bi-Han wants to get his mother's affection through love with his woman.

And of course this 'weakness' of his would remain behind the doors of his private chambers. Perhaps sometimes Bi-Han might be in the mood to give orders in the intimate process too, but more often, I think, he would give the power to the woman to caress him the way she wants. He would give her the power to immerse him in the blissful 'calm of the sea' so that he could rest from feeling the weight of the responsibility for the entire clan on his shoulders. He would let no one into this sphere of his life, which would probably generate rumors about his intimate preferences, which would have nothing to do with reality. And of these rumors, Bi-Han would know nothing because his warriors are smart enough to keep their mouths shut and their thoughts to themselves.

Screenshots are made and edited by me. Screenshots with quotes are from the videos by my favorite YouTube gamer Real StarK (@StarK_Takahashi).

[yukirayu]

hii! i am absolutely blown by your analysis of Taku and Madarame: To Heal and To Hurt, and it gave me alot more insight into how Taku is a great foil for other characters. i kept thinking about the CG artwork of Taku's painting. it seems like the vacancy of the center square might represent the removal of a webtag or even the eventual disappearance of Towa's past trauma which Taku tried so hard to suppress. do you have any thoughts on the painting as a whole?

Hi, I apologize for replying to this several months later. Sorting through my drafts/WIPs or the things I need to do in general got me rather distracted, to say the least, but I am committed to seeing this through.

Thanks so much of course for reading and liking the metas. I'm always glad to hear that others like it and that I've managed to get the message through.

Now as for my opinion, I will give the disclaimer that said opinion is greatly inspired by what this person said in their breakdown of the paintings, as well as an art I saw that did their own breakdown about what the red square represented.

If anything, I may as well be parroting what they said in the site, albeit with different wording; since as someone who has no experience in art, analyzing paintings isn't exactly what I'd call my strongest suit let alone something I have confidence in.

But true enough, the image does really give off the image of a medical patch that Taku is trying as hard as he can to keep intact by either reapplying or patching over with a new one... even if he can't keep truly contain the "blood" that is the pain and trauma left by Towa's past, or even Taku's own hurts that are both connected to Towa's ordeal and the tragedy that he had contended with alone (his mother and the debt he had accrued as a result of his family situation) even before Towa came along.

It might even represent how Taku has a hard time keeping his own troubles in check and is better (or at least more proactive and willing) at doing the same for others. Because try as he might, the cracks start to show (or bleed, in this case), partly because he's not good at lying or hiding things, and partly because there's only so much he can handle until he finally snaps from it all; hence why he has a darker side that manifests in his route, where the way the plot progresses makes things reach a breaking point for him.

That aside, from purely aesthetic point of view, it is relatively simple looking, especially when you compare it to the other paintings. Like I've said, I'm no artist myself, so I can't really give a good description of what I think of this and that painting without risking coming across as pretentious and such. But at the very least, I find it pleasing to look at because of its simplicity.

One other thing about it that I think is rather understated (as well as incredibly touching) is how it's the only painting that gets featured in the cover for the AfterStory drama CDs. I think that this is becase while it's a very apt visual reflection of Taku's guilt and burdens, which Towa knows very well with how perceptive he is (and it's even the focus of his Interrogations with Taku), it is also a representation of Towa's own longing for Taku the entire time the latter was in prison.

Heck, it even becomes a topic of conversation in the first track, which leads to one of my favorite moments between them:

Towa: You’re not going to ask me who’s the inspiration of those paintings? Taku: …No…  Towa: You’re not interested in knowing?  Taku: That’s not it…! But… Towa: But?  Taku: (slightly insecure) Of course I’m curious. I mean… who were you painting?   (Towa says nothing and simply chuckles at Taku’s cluelessness.) Taku: (flustered and annoyed) Hey…! Towa: (still a hint of laughter in his voice) Oh, sorry. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be able to figure it out, so I just…  Taku: …What do you mean by that? Towa: (moves closer to Taku) All those paintings, who do you think they are of? (leans even closer and answers in an affectionate whisper) Murase… Takuma.

It's really telling that after Towa paints something, he no longer really cares for it and doesn't mind whatever anyone else does to it. But this painting, he treasures it enough to keep it in Taku's apartment (or rather, their home, together).

That, and one other significant detail: when it comes to Towa's modus operandi regarding his painting, he only ever paints each model once, no exceptions. Why? Because he wants to capture the very first time his model's innermost desire is fulfilled; in other words, when their euphoria is at its apex. It's why he won't agree to a second time, since the impact is no longer the same.

However, the narration for Taku's Euphoria ending as well as some other lines from Towa in the drama CD made it apparent that while that painting with the white splotches and the red square is his magnum opus of Taku, there were countless other paintings and sketches that he made of the man.

His way of coping, of waiting for Taku to serve his time, to reflect and come back a changed man, was to reflect his memory and feelings for him on paper and canvas, over and over and over, each one definitely distinct from one another (even if we never get to see those other artworks).

So... there. I hope that I still made sense at the end of this post, and I really hope it was a satisfactory answer for you. Again, I am so sorry for the delayed response, but I really appreciate getting this ask. 🥺

[ramlightly]

How did it feel to start you're patreon or start your posting period? I'm so scared of people's perception but i want to post art and writing and blah blah blah.

oh terrified! For a couple weeks after first making the ramlightly account, I was sure I was about to delete and never talk about it again. It felt too embarrassing, too personal! Who would want to look at these stories, these characters? God, what if my mom saw it??? What a ridiculous idea this whole thing was!

But, obviously, I stuck it out and honestly I think it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I love these stories, these character, the friends I've made from it, and the audience I'm gotten from it. It's been very fulfilling in a lot of ways.

I've been sharing my art online since I was far too young to (ahhh, gaiaonline) so at a certain point, I've just gotten over a lot of the anxieties about it. Mind you, I still get nervous a lot of the times. The uncertainty can paralyzing! ("what if people don't like this new character?" "what if I worked so hard on this short story and no one buys it?" etc etc) but I've found the more I put my work out there, the easier it gets to make the plunge.

And I really am a social creature when it comes my work. I love hearing people's reactions! Seeing people get excited or laughing at the jokes or just commenting on my work is very fufilling. And of course, there will always be annoying people, or people who didn't understand, or bad faith interpretations. But that just the nature of letting other people seeing your work. And the only reason I've gotten the career I've gotten is because I put myself out there, because I was just confident enough that I figured it was worth it.

At least that's my experience, it worked out.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi INFJ here. I have self-worth issues probably due to being small and petite. I'm shorter than most of my family members and many people on the street. This makes me feel insecure and unable to defend and protect myself or loved ones and look efficient and trustable. One reason is that I think it can make me an easier target to take advantage of, insult, boss, dominate, threaten, harm, punch, fight, not take seriously or disrespect.

I generally try to be peaceful and nice or at least neutral to people. But occasionally I face people or situations where I may be disrespected, insulted or provoked in some way. Or situation where I have to choose to stand my ground or be a pushover.

The problem is that I am not confident in my abilities to handle these kinds of situations correctly, and usually engage in avoidant strategies and then later ruminating and self-blaming.

In awkward situations like rude drivers or road rage, rude clerks or office workers, mean coworkers or etc, I try to convince myself that avoiding confrontation is the best and the safest. Cause I never know what these people could do. Also, having a confrontation or standing my ground may cause a terrible emotional reaction in me, which can stay in my mind as a traumatic memory forever, and it may also change people's impression of me which I may regret. Or the person may find me an easy target due to my small built and may start attacking and beating me.

I wish I were taller, stronger and more charismatic, so people wouldn't dare doing any of those things to me. I also wish I could be better at confrontation, awkward feelings, handling interpersonal issues, insults or mean people correctly.

My mind is often occupied with these kinds of thoughts and regrets. Seeing other people being used or disrespected, hearing their stories, or watching movie characters being bullied, abused, beaten or not being able to stand their ground triggers or aggravates these thinking patterns and makes me more anxious.

Even my family members want me to be more confrontational and assertive or even a bit aggressive.

So, I think my interpersonal skills are not enough for adult life. Here's why :

1_ I'm small-built and also shy and introvert, which probably makes people think of as an easier and weaker target. And I wouldn't be able to defend myself against a taller and stronger person.

2_ I'm afraid of my awkward emotional reaction towards people yelling at me or insulting me. But avoiding confrontations and not standing my ground can also make me blame myself.

3_ I tend to care about fairness, and lack of it within the society can make me furious. But society and people are not always fair.

4_ I care about what other people might think or say behind my back, and its impact on my reputation or future. So by people-pleasing or at least not bothering people, even if it means not defending or asserting myself, I try to stay under the radar.

5_ And I don't really know when I should just let it go and de-escalate or keep quiet, avoid, stand my ground, fight back, insult back, etc.

I have read books, watched youtube videos, but I still haven't been able to fix this problem or change myself. I sometimes think it means I might have mild autism and these deficits can never be fixed. Other times I relate it to high Fe and low Se (due to being an INFJ).

I really need your help. Where and how should I start?

----------------------

Do you know the story of The Ugly Duckling? I interpret the story as being about perception, specifically, how easy it is for perception to be wrong, as well as how quickly a minor flaw in perception can escalate into a majorly faulty belief system. It sounds like your perception has been distorted and now you hold faulty beliefs that need to be corrected. Since you lack self-confidence, you tend to catastrophize - your mind always jumps to the worst possibilities.

You say self-worth issues are "due to" being petite. This is a faulty belief. If being petite causes low self-worth, one would expect every petite person to have low self-worth. Is that the case? Not at all. A lot of people are below average height and live fine. In fact, you'd be surprised at how many well-known people are/were actually quite small in stature, just off the top of my head: Gandhi, Prince, Danny Devito, Sabrina Carpenter, Peter Dinklage, Judy Garland.

If being petite is not the actual cause of low self-worth, then what is? "Worth" relates to the method you use to make value judgments, so if you are always coming to unreasonably negative judgments about yourself, there is a problem with your value system. Do you believe that a below average sized person has less value than an average or above average sized person? You must believe it, otherwise, you wouldn't think that you are worth less than others, and you would not wish to be bigger and taller in order to be worth more.

Perhaps you don't personally believe that petite people have no value, so you claim that it is "society" which believes they have no value, and you are a victim of society. Is that true, though? Or is this another faulty belief? You said smaller people get bullied because they are easier targets, so, it's not because they are worthless - that's an important difference. Bullies chose you because they couldn't handle someone their own size or bigger. Therefore, the bullying did not have any relation to your self-worth; what it actually reflected was the bully's cowardice.

Why is it that many petite people don't get bullied? Some of it is down to luck; perhaps you've been unlucky in meeting lots of jerks throughout life. But some of it is down to your attitude. The impression that you leave on people plays a big role in how they approach you. For example, when you look down upon yourself, you teach others that it's okay to look down upon you too.

If you are always anxious and cowering in fear, treating every person as a potential threat, what does that communicate to people? Unfortunately, it communicates that you are an easy target. If you are always expecting to get dominated and bullied, you're more likely to attract bullies to your doorstep. Physical size isn't actually as important a factor as how you present yourself to people. When INFJs haven't developed Fe properly, they don't have a realistic view of how they come across to others.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't about blaming the victim. The people who bullied you were wrong. You don't deserve mistreatment. The problem is that bullying is a form of trauma, and trauma distorts the mind. It makes you hypersensitive to social threats, even seeing threats where there are none. And it also makes you hypersensitive to the things that you were bullied about, in this case, your physical size.

The other day, I had to hire someone to do household repairs. On the day of the repair, this tall dude arrives and could barely fit through the door. As he was walking down some stairs, he bumped his head on a lower part of the ceiling that he didn't notice because he was carrying a lot of tools. I felt so bad for him and I tried to monitor his head safety thereafter. Unfortunately, he's had lots of experience hitting his head on various things.

With your past experience, all you can see is how being petite is a "deficiency". As such, envy blinds you to the possibility that being larger can be a curse and being petite can actually be a gift. This repair guy was often admired for his stature, but he actually viewed his tallness as a "deficiency" all his life. From his perspective, smaller people have a great life because they don't always feel like they're in the way and can easily fit comfortably into any space.

Everyone has sore spots. Sore spots are things you feel insecure or hypersensitive about because of a perceived (psychological or physical) deficit. However, what you haven't understood is that what gets classified as a "deficit" is often a mere matter of perspective. The lesson of The Ugly Duckling story is that his perception of himself was wrong because he had been misled to believe that he was abnormal and deficient by others. This story teaches you that what one person experiences as a "deficiency", another person might experience as an "advantage".

Thus, the key to overcoming your hypersensitivity is to learn how to change your perspective, aka cognitive restructuring, which is something Ni+Fe can easily do. If you can't do it, then it indicates there's something awry with your function development (unhealthy Ni tunnel vision + Fe overindulgence). Your perspective seems very small and very rigid, so it's time to expand and adjust it.

Sure, people can be mean, and society can lead people to value the wrong things, and that's what you focus all your attention on. However, most people aren't mean, and society can't touch your personal values within. You always have a choice as to i) how you respond to mean people, if at all, and ii) whether you adopt the twisted values that society tries to inculcate in you. An important aspect of growing up into a full-fledged adult is learning how to think for yourself, which includes being able to challenge and change faulty beliefs/values and adjust your perspective as necessary to get closer to the truth.

Being bullied often keeps people trapped like a child, feeling helpless and powerless. "Power" doesn't come primarily from physical size, rather, it comes from the mental belief in yourself. Instead of getting lost in victim mentality, acknowledge that there are things within your power to change that would improve your situation. You said yourself that you lack interpersonal skills. Well, I have good news for you: skills can be improved through step-by-step learning, study, and practice. Start with whatever seems most pressing for you, perhaps enlist the help of a therapist. For example, I have discussed most of the following before in relation to developing healthy Fe in INFJs:

emotional intelligence: you could learn how to handle your feelings and emotions better, in order to communicate about them in a more reasonable and matter-of-fact way

optimism: you could learn to approach people in an empathetic and encouraging way, with positive expectations, in order to influence them to be positive to you in return

assertiveness: you could adjust your values to believe that you are equal to everyone else and that your existence is just as legitimate as anyone else's, which would help you stand up and advocate for your needs better

self-confidence: you could improve your communication and conflict resolution skills, which would help you feel more confident and exercise better judgment during social interactions

self-defense: although the majority of people aren't physically violent unless extremely provoked, it might help you feel more physically powerful and better prepared for confrontation by learning self-defense or martial arts

social support network: you could expand your network of friends and supporters so that you feel less alone and have people to rely on in times of stress or danger

self-work: you could use other successful petite people as inspirational role models; observe how they succeed in commanding respect and admiration and learn some lessons about how to show people the best of yourself, rather than only focusing on what you hate about yourself

It is a fact that you are petite, and facts should be met with acceptance. Trying to deny the facts will only get you lost in wishful thinking (unhealthy Ni), as well as the toxic shame of an inferiority complex (unhealthy Fe). Once you're able to accept the facts, then your mind can move forward into adopting adaptation strategies. No matter what your sore spots are, it is important to understand that they are not a curse and they are not meant to ruin your life. Confronting your sore spots and learning to live with them successfully is precisely how you grow as a person. However, you won't be able to benefit from your sore spots as long as you keep trying to reject them and wish them away. They are an important part of you. Improving self-worth means learning to accept and love yourself, which means ALL of yourself.

[kijosakka]

After leaving Bridgette, stuck to a frozen pole... How Alejandro would react to Assistant Noah saying that he knows what Alejandro is doing, but Noah honestly doesn't care?... What if Noah only cares about how Alejandro unfairly treats Owen?

ASSISTANT NOAH: "None of the people on this show are exactly innocent angels either, so if the guys are dumb enough to fall for your charming tricks and the girls let themselves be swooned by you despite having boyfriends, then they deserve to lose." 🙄

i do think this instance would have add some in the way of later plot, what with london and the eel comment -- as established up until around germany, assistant noah has a neutral-positive view of alejandro:

(though ngl just considering his general mannerisms i am leaning more towards neutral -- character arcs and whatnot, neutral > negative > positive, so his ribbing comes off as uninterested as he is, more like general commentary on what's happening)

anyway its post-egypt and not much further and i don't think alejandro would expect, at this point, to react any different -- assuming that he would assume noah was coming up to rib him about the challenge again.

on noahs end, there is no real distaste for alejandro (....yet), emphasized by his seemingly unimpressed that no one catches onto alejandros scheming -- implying that noah sees it as something obvious.

^ tinged by bias by virtue of being on the crew and seeing behind-the-scenes clips and footage or not, to be so blatant about 'if they don't know, they deserve it' does mean that noah believes it to be something people should be catching onto (also worth mentioning that through him specifically telling owen, he offers more leeway for him in the face of this; favoritism.)

anyway, recap (for myself, mostly): alejandro's perception of noah up until this point is basically 'guy on the crew who ribbed me once' and didn't gloat about any of his strategies to avoid having a paper trail of his manipulation.

ergo -- this alters alejandro's pespective of noah drastically. because, again, noah is part of the crew and therefore not a threat to his game (and in fact could only really be an asset through this to alejandro), so for him to also be so outwardly comfortable with alejandro's manipulation signifies him as a kind of confidant role; someone alejandro can gloat to in small moments as long as he's careful about who's listening, because noah doesn't care.

as for how that changes london -- well, previously, noah would only take up that kind of confidant role post-london, once the cards were out on the table and alejandro goes with his flirting deflection thing. now though i do think it adds if he takes up the role earlier:

because, well. conflict. in alejandro's eyes, noah is taking on, again, that confidant role that he himself grows quite comfortable in, seeking reprieves from the competition that don't damage his game like how heather does suddenly insulting him behind his back and becoming very outwardly vitriolic and distasteful.

however in noahs eyes, alejandro is two-timing -- he'd probably assume that alejandro is aware (probably assuming he's watched previous seasons) that him and owen are friends, and thus assume he's trying to have his cake and eat it too, through being friendly with noah but being so vocal about his dislike of owen. they're a Package Deal, doesn't he know that?

anyway my point here is that it opens up a lot of opportunity for alejandro to be hurt/confused and retaliate in whatever ways, and for noah to assume he's just doubling-down and thus have it sour his opinion more. misunderstand is what i'm saying here.

.........or comedy of errors. both. both are good.

[sayakae-ao3]

So, question regarding safe and sound. There was this long comment by a user on the most recent chapter about how cornered Satoru is because of what he thinks, assumes and doesn't know. Like Yuuji only giving him time when Fumiko forces him to stay or when Geto is concerned or how Yuuji having to give a disclaimer that he is NOT going behind his back when he spoke to Fumiko about his fears, how true is that ? Is he feeling himself drifting away from the image of the Gojo sensei that Yuji has nothing but unyielding respect for despite his "failure" ?

And about Shoko and Yuji, Satoru doesn't know that he likes him, right ? Or Yuuji is Demisexual ? Bisexual ? Essentially someone who can give him romantic love, and that no, Shoko is not the object of his romantic love and that you don't need to so openly look away when they openly exchange physical gestures of affection when you, Satoru, are kissing Geto right infront of Yuji 😐.

And I agree with the commenter, Suguru dislikes Yuji. All he (Geto) needs to do is make a pact with Kenjaku to push Yuji out because even Suguru knows who Satoru loves. The guy is bent on repeating history like a drummer.

Oh, I love that comment, so insightful. Generally, I love all my comments, they keep me going, but there is something special in long comments which analyse the chapter and characters. I get to see other interpretations and see how engaged my readers are with this little story of mine.

But back to your ask, I would say most of that is correct. I feel that canon Satoru at this point was cocky and confident, proclaiming that nothing could hurt him, that no one (apart from Geto) was on his level. But Yuji and the revelations of the future changed his mindset and showed him that all his power did nothing in the end, that he lost and failed everyone. So, this is the first layer of insecurity for him. Then, after revelations, he realizes truly how much burden Yuji was carrying all this time and that he essentially left him at his weakest, most vulnerable time. Not only that, he also has Geto to worry about and desperately trying to prevent what happened in the future. With how Fumiko helps Yuji, with how supportive Shoko is, with how isolated Satoru has become because of his relationship with Suguru, poor boy is insecure as hell about his place in Yuji's life. While Yuji is slowly healing, Satoru needs to realize that he has issues and problems and that he needs to work on them.

Also, when it comes to whether he knows that Yuji loves him or not, he treats his question "What am I to you?" as a sort of confession (even though it isn't but that boy has communication issues) so when Yuji replied with "A friend" he treated it like a rejection. Then, during his birthday he got a letter from Yuji which was very heartfelt and sweet but didn't change his perception – Yuji only called him his friend. So when Satoru sees Shoko with Yuji and their effortless physical contact and support, he is a. jealous and b. convincing himself that Yuji doesn't love him (even if there are snippets when he thinks Yuji may reciprocate his feelings).

Also, I think Yuji may be bisexual, if only so we can have a healthy friendship between a boy and a girl while neither of them is interested in each other despite being attracted to opposite sex. I feel we don't have that enough.

Geto... He's always been hard for me to write because I hate him, when I was still new in the JJK fandom I had this fic when he was one of the main characters (don't read that story, it's bad and the only reason I haven't orphaned it is to show to myself that I can finish my WIPs even when I really don't want to). At this point, I feel that he doesn't hate Yuji, but their philosophies crash a lot, he's jealous of how Satoru loves him, he wishes he was stronger in spirit like Yuji, and generally he's just depressed and doesn't know what to do. He blames himself for what happened in the future. He loves Satoru and doesn't want to become the bad guy. But the more he tries to prevent it, the more he succumbs to this darkness inside him. His love for Satoru becomes toxic and feeds on his insecurities and fears. He thinks that if he can be with Satoru, he won't defect. It's naive and it's stupid but at this point he's desperate because this time around, he starts to see the cracks in jujutsu society sooner.

Wow, I think that I should stop talking for now. Thank you so much for the ask, I'm always happy to discuss my fics or JJK with you all.

[nokillbananashelter]

Trying to write my thoughts as blurbs because I have many (also spoilers)

TOTK doesn’t just have 5 temples designed like divine beasts and traditional dungeons, it has at least 7 that i’ve encountered, actually.

TOTK pulls the wool over people’s eyes on dungeon content in general. Theres not just “more than 5 dungeons”, theres more than one genre of dungeon in this game. Glyphs, Shrines, Temples, Castles, Mazes, Caves, Regions- its dungeon all the way down dudes. This is the most dungeon Zelda game has been since the original two games. It just doesn’t call everything a dungeon.

Cheesing these areas should feel exactly how it makes you feel about it. You asked the game if you could skip, then it gave you permission to skip it. Getting mad about this is understandable but also….There’s plenty of sign posts telling you how to have the most full, enriching experience in an area. it just wants you to follow the signs and paths and tunnels and there’s a LOT of different ways to traverse these content hallways. If you don’t follow them, you won’t have that experience. Simple as that. If that makes you feel good, good. If it makes you feel mad, i get it. But realize that you said “can i skip it” and then saw this game is exactly as good at saying “yes” about that as it is about everything else!! if skipping things is rewarding to you, this is going to be a good experience. If skipping things isn’t rewarding for you, it’s going to be a bad experience.

Totk and botw are some of the best GMs in videogames and I don’t think enough people are thinking about it in those terms. These games want to meet you where you are at while meeting it where it is at. I cannot express the how incredible it is to have the amount of ways to play that these games offer up. The challenges it makes you do for yourself NATURALLY is INCREDIBLE. This game is constantly getting me to challenge myself, and when I get tired of that, is more than happy to give me a power fantasy in which I am an unstoppable spank bastard.

The common thought that there is a proper “play order” for the story is ABSOLUTELY BULLSHIT. This game does not spoil itself. All it does is recontextualize your perception of what’s happening and reiterate the same beats again and again. It’s also one of the most laughably, hammy and predictable stories I’ve ever engaged in ever. Let’s get serious here- if you didn’t catch the twists from almost at the jump, I’m sorry, but you have zero media literacy!!! The foreshadowing in this is comically overcasting every single line in every single conversation. If anything, this game wants you to come to a conclusion about it’s twist extremely early, and to deny it’s inevitability. It tells you everything in it’s opening five minutes. From there, You just getting details with new information being largely context. But also…It wants you to believe that it’s not the whole story. And guess what?? it’s not!! You don’t get the whole story until you experience the whole game, no matter the order you play it!

I have more specific thoughts and why link keeps his lips locked here if you get stuff early, but in general, I think the lad finds telling people Zelda is a Dragon and will never return is not an option in his mind. so like the courageous hopepunk dummy he is, rejects that as unwinnable and forever. thematically, this mirrors Rauru’s own morality of doing the right thing even in the face of infinite defeat. When it comes to Zelda, bucking against inevitability of fate is par for the course with our characters. These games are always about this. ALWAYS!!!

This game is actually uglier than breath of the wild. It’s got more image clarity, and more stuff happening, has a really cool art direction and beautiful colors, and its own unique flavors, but BOTW had less moving parts and was able to manage them much easier and cohesively. Totk is ugly on purpose and confidently so because the ugliness serves incredible purposes.

[ofliarsandlovers]

(Gülnezer Bextiyar, 33, cis-female, she/her) — Look who it is! If you take a look at our database, you’ll find that JOSEFINE JIAN is an ATTORNEY that works in SECTOR 6. According to the file, they’re a mutant with the power of PERFECT RECALL / LIE MANIPULATION. That must be why they’re ORGANISED and UPTIGHT. If you ask me, they remind me of the smell pf a new book, the sound of a quill writing on paper and the confidence wearing a tailored suit gives you. They are affiliated with THE MONTELL SYNDICATE. (July, 30+, BST, she/her)#

basic information:

character name: Josefine Jian nickname (s): Josie (begrudgingly) face claim: Gülnezer Bextiyar mutation status: Gen II birthday: September 15th sexuality: Demisexual moral alignment: Lawful Neutral occupation: Attorney work sector: 6 affiliation: Montell Syndicate 3 positive traits: Organised, Understanding, Not easily Intimidated 3 negative traits: Cold, Uptight, Inflexible biography (optional): tbc

questionnaire:

how do they feel about living in sol city? have they always lived there or did they travel from another settlement? "I moved here as a child, it is the only home I have known. Myself and my sisters have experienced our whole lives here, I'm sure there are more exciting places to explore- but I am content for now." do they trust the council’s leadership? why or why not? "To trust someone who has authority over you is to do yourself a disservice. I trust that they truly have the cities best interests at heart- it's people, however, are of no consequence to that success." if they chose their sector and profession, why did they make that choice? if they didn’t, why not? were they happy with their assignment or not? "Law is a well respected profession that pays well enough. I am content." what’s one object that they always keep on their person? Tucked in the pocket of her suit shines a glossy sage green pen, it's an heirloom gifted by her father.

(mutant only section)

what is your character’s ability (or abilities)? Perfect recall / Lie manipulation, she can memorise anthing by seeing even just a glimpse of it. She can alter peoples perception of the truth to be in her favour, making them believe things that arent true to be fact. are they gen i or gen ii? Gen II what can your character do? what are their strengths? She has a sharp mind and an evern sharper tongue, she's wicked in the courtroom and can bend the judge and jury's will to her own. what can’t they do? what are their weaknesses? Her ability only works in person, she cannot sway people via video link nor phone call. It relies on the electricity within a persons body, she also cannot manipulate computers. is there anything else you’d like to specify about them? While her loyalty can be bought by the highest bidder, Josefine would never betray her sisters.

[suugrbunz]

Hey! 💝anon here.. That was me giving tips earlier.. Been back on Tumblr for just a couple days, clearing out my old account, saying hellos to old online friends. Thank you, so much, for how you inspired my story last year. You motivated me - so much!

The story finished. I adidn’t do a huge amount with Maureen & Lyam’s relationship; they had a few more moments together, bonding & learning to trust & appreciate each other. Their final moment in the story was their first kiss! (I can send a snippet if you’d like?)

I turned 19 last year (so, a bit younger than you I suppose :)) It’s been good, getting offline. It’s given me more time to do other things; learn gardening from an elderly relative, do some singing (on my own lol), spend time with my family, learn about things that interest me.

Anyway. Hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself, and you can find ways to make life easier, whatever those ways are. 

I understand about the streaming service thing. My family usually just watch cheap second hand DVDs (charity shop sells 20 DVDs for £1!), and occasionally use the cheaper version of Netflix (with ads). I use Internet Archive (archive.org) for books and films (manly older, lesser known films), it’s free, so that’s a good option. 

And totally, get away from Instagram & TikTok! If you think you’d be happier without it, drop it! People online can be really nasty. I quit looking at Reddit, & basically all comments, last year after I suffered a deep depression (due to peoples’ extremely nasty comments toward a part of lgbt that I identify with) Doing a lot better now. 

IDK, and it’s not my business, but hope something works for you. The best people, the ones worth knowing, are those who appreciate character and kindness over consumerist beauty ideals (I say consumerist cause it’s in my belief that we’re pretty well brainwashed to think “perfect looking” people look good; a way of getting people to keep buying makeup they don’t need and the latest fashions)

Ahh, hope this isn’t too much, I write fast and am only basing this all off a couple posts I saw you made, so I’m real sorry if it’s too much! I’ve got a ton of spare time today so I’m just rambling. 

I can’t be coming back to online socialising like I used to, as it took up so much of my limited spare time last year, so this is a rarity, just to say hello. Hugs 🫂 

💝anon

i literally cried seeing it was you— i was noshing on a gyro, crying alone in the kitchen. I have hereditary depression, so it won't get better. It'll always be there. It's just worse than normal lately. Hoping it'll calm down, I wrote and edited some of my book today.

This is like writing a lovely old pen pal, ah, it's nearly therapeutic. I think of you often. I'm nearing tears as i write this because something about talking to you has felt so homeward bound. I love archive, that's how I watched the clash movie, Rude Boy! I have some unread books I wish to finish, one is kafka and the other is khalil gibran. You should see the khalil gibran book, it has such an ornate cover.

I adopted a cat since we've last spoken, she was beside my neighbours house during a storm. I had been taking out my dog and heard her meowing. When i approached her, she immediately came to me. Oh, her name is Laila, she's a tortoise shell.

I definitely have to agree, we are brainwashed constantly to see aging as a sign of lost beauty. Similarly, we are taught that our bodies are never enough because whatever the trend is— it isn't for a girl with an hourglass body. I told my mother the other night, through lots of tears i have never truly loved myself. I mean, around puberty is when confidence develops, at least in my opinion. I got bullied for my body developing into what it now is. So, you can imagine what eating disorder shit i go through because of it. Only fueled by my mother also having a fucked up perception of body-image as well. I am trying my best to understand that my value is an independent variable from the weight on a scale.

Please send me all the writing you wish to, I remember loving your writing. I started publishing my book, but it's completely different. I had to change everything; it was going nowhere. I couldn't get a plot to stitch together. I was nearly at the point of deleting it. Then, out of the blue, I woke up after some dream and was like— "what if I used tamino as a faceclaim? What if x, y, z?". Soooo, i ended up experimenting with it and i actually followed through on replacing nick (i want to implement him in the new book tbh, i miss him). Ah, i hope you find the time to read the chapters I have published... that is if you want to read them, truly there is no pressure there. Again though; please send me your work.

[ffntroco]

*another deep sigh*,

Y’all the devil really is working. As you know or don’t know I’m just in a space in life where I’m just trying to you know lead a very straight path. Keep tunnel vision, but bitches keep fucking with me and it’s so annoying. Bro my boss got me freaking arrested simply because what? Who I am or what I look like(which can mean a variety of things). I have all the odds stacked against me. I’m black, queer, and male. I face so much disrespect simply because all of those things and these past two years taught me a lot and taught me the importance of being able to fend on your own. Why I didn’t call myself trans or anything and don’t take part in a lot of the community things in my town is simply because of the fact that I’m not welcomed. Wherever I go I’m an other. Personally I feel the whole movement of creating segregated communities came about because of segregation. Due to that everyone who felt they didn’t belong simply because they didn’t know themselves then created all these separate communities to find a place out of the fear of individualism. Being an individual someone who don’t look like, act like, and even carrying the same burdens comes with a lot. You have to be strong, confidence, aware and simply love themselves. That’s what I see when mfs are attacking me, trying to block me from being able to work or make money, calling me slurs, the sexual abuse and harassment which caused me to be exiled. All of it is simply because ppl don’t love themselves and is scared of themselves. When your face to face with someone who knows their worth and owns it guess what that energy is intimating to most. And you have to be strong enough to recognize THAT IS NOT NY FUCKING PROBLEM. Your intimidation and need to create this fictional character in your head of who I am bc most of the times it’s projections. Projections we either submit to accept or projections we send back to rebel. Truth is all in perception to be honest. That’s it. A simple reaction.

What do you see in the mirror? Do you love what you see in the mirror? And how to you express that love to yourself?

Because I see beauty after all I been through and go through I’m still here. Still able to share breath and still able to give love. A little hope. They keep trying to take my ass out, but I am here. Just like you I have life experience and life challenges and I’m here to share. You know people like me aren’t supposed to have anything. Me identifying w/ my femininity more and me loving to feel and look pretty a lot of hate is spewed my way. You’ll think that it wouldn’t because before I began my actual physical transition even with my beard I would get called a women, men would approach me calling me lady, asking me bc they was confused. Even as a kid boys would say they thought I was a girl with an Afro. I was always androgynous very comfortable with both sides of me and was aware of my ambiguity but inately I know what I was born as. lol. That’s why I say no one really cares, but if you’re beautiful people care not even physically but your aura. The outside helps lol.

Lately I’ve been needing to hold myself extra hard and accountable because the abuse my whole arrest situation was just an abuse tactic and a warning to the others if you get out of line this is what can happen to you. Racism and the ideology of slavery isn’t gone and the treatment I receive here shows me that as well even within the lgbtq community. It’s a hierarchy system only those are supposed to be in certain positions to keep those in check. It’s about what you do when you’re put in that position you can get in line or you can be an anarchist like me. I’m too much of a Gemini to follow trends and systems. My brain is way too intellectually manic for that so I’m gonna register that critically and do it in the way that makes sense to how my brain is saying do this. It’s what works for me. Back to the aspect of individuality. I’m an individual and I’m gonna be me. Trans and all. I don’t care. And I’m keeping my piece and my name because guess what that’s me. Apart of what makes me…me. A trans empress. Goddess if you will. And I carry myself as such. And I’m not stopping until my life reflects that. Stay beautiful. Fight the good fight and never stop going. Never. Through hardships as well as when the more easy times come in to play.

Comment 😈 if you read all the way through.

[raincamp]

08 02 2023

ive been feeling like different people recently. i can never predict who i am going to be when i wake up in the morning. my values, likes, dislikes, priorities, mannerisms, beliefs, and feelings all change so frequently that i can never tell what's "me" coming through— who i actually am

its so disorienting to realize when something has changed- like, i can intellectually understand that yesterday i was not an anxious person, i didn't care what people thought of me, i was so self confident, i enjoyed talking to other people, i was able to do things without becoming immediately terrified at the possibilities of bad things happening. but that wasnt me, because today, i do feel anxious, i despise other people, im insanely self conscious and self critical, and the thought of going into public has me wanting to curl up into a ball and hide in the dark recesses of my bedroom for eternity. my entire perception of myself and the world around me has completely flipped overnight and its not like anything happened to trigger it??

even my perception of gender, sexuality, my own name sometimes feels so disconnected from who i am as a person, as an identity, i have to trust that what i have written down in my bio box is true (and, as far as i have experienced, it usually is once i'm stable again) because i can't deal with questioning it again, gods know i've had enoigh crises about it for a lifetime.

its times like these that i start latching onto someone else for stability, i know a lot of pwBPD go on to construct their identity around a favorite person but i've always been one to use fiction as a source of comfort and stability. not only can i be 100% sure about a fictional character's traits and values, but it also provides me with a sense of strength and protection, because i tend to subconsciously pick characters that i admire and that i believe are stronger or more intelligent than me.

since the new season of good omens has come out, i have once again absorbed crowley into the list of personalities i've stolen. i mean, he was always there, but ive noticed him pushing through more in little ways over the past couple days. from the music that i listen to, to the way i walk and hold myself, i find myself doing things that i know I will later look back at and think "wait what? thats not like me at all", or at least, not like the me i thought i was a week ago.

because its not like ive consciously made a choice to act any differently, it's just how i naturally act in the moment. it technically is still me, it's just completely out of character for me, as far as the people around me are concerned. and i know that, eventually, this period of needing to subconsciously become "someone else" will come to and end, and when im on the other side of it, who i am right now will be completely unrecognizable to that person, just as they probably would be unrecognizable to the person i am right now.

and, i mean, it makes sense why him, why my subconscious would choose crowley. we're both going through extremely similar things right now, we both have just lost people we love, our FPs, because they thought that leaving us would save us. maybe its safer if i pretend its only happening in a tv show. maybe its safer if i let him take over navigating my life right now because at least i know that he can. i know that hes strong enough, i know that things will end well for him. i don't know if its the same for me.

anyway, identity dissociation is weird, and it sucks that i got the short end of the stick having severe dissociative symptoms as part of my BPD presentation. i mean, sometimes i feel like im 3 steps and a jump away from an actual dissociative disorder like DID. i obviously dont have it but i can fully understand how you get from here to there, yk? i can 100% empathize with how it feels up until the point where theres two people in your body at once. but the dissociation, the feeling of your body and memories not being yours, not recognizing the people around you, the feeling of a headspace, the feeling of not knowing who you are, they're all things i experience at times, so its not difficult for me to be able to understand what it might feel like. and its absolute shit honestly.

- andrew (?)

[sarahreesbrennan]

I think this is a lovely addition and I am so glad you feel that way. I hoped some people would! I knew not everybody would.

Under a cut to spare your dash, friends, some thoughts about villainy…

I don’t know that we differ in substance, though perhaps in style. I’d say that I agree with you… but it’s complicated.

Long Live Evil poses many questions about the nature of villainy, who is assigned villainy and who gets the sympathy and understanding. It’s about the experience of being assigned villainy, but also understanding the assignment.

Rae is absolutely going through something so awful. She is very understandably angry about it. Indeed, most of the main characters of Long Live Evil have been THROUGH it. That’s part of why they’re seen as villains - though this perception also exists on an axis of gender, class, race, sexuality, disability. These things affect how they’re perceived and how they’re treated and how they act, and there is almost no way to disentangle cause and effect.

‘Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being.’ - Robert Anton Wilson

This world hurts people. And then it can be very harsh to hurt people. We’re blamed for our wounds.

I agree Rae is a more interesting protagonist to me. That’s why I picked her. But there are very, very popular protagonists in fiction I find absolutely dull as ditchwater. (Not saying I find Alice dull. I love Alice.) I’m still interested in why audiences like them, and as I would like to have many readers too, I think about why things are popular a lot. I learn rules… sometimes simply that I may break them.

You might think Rae’s plight would engender sympathy: and for some it does. For many it doesn’t. And I knew that would be the case. I’ve seen it happen in real life many times.

—Someone in my close circle of friends publicly made fun of me for my ‘terrible anger issues’ at a time I was literally too sick to walk and barely able to breathe. I know that person thinks she’s a good person who was good to me.

—this is a very common thing to happen to chronically ill people. Most of my mentees, especially my younger mentees, have been abandoned by many friends who would all confidently state that this is the patient’s fault for being a bad person.

—one woman I know had her ex accurately recount all her behaviour to his new girlfriend without adding the reason why she ceased intimacy, got irritable and didn’t help around the house.

Sick people are legitimately hard to be around sometimes, and they get blamed for being so because it’s easier to blame a person than a disease. Other people don’t want to be the villain, so they make you the villain.

And the making of a villain is an interesting thing to me.

Rae being sick and Rae being perceived as evil and embracing that perception are inextricable. As a society, we are not truly sympathetic to victims. I knew it would be this way, but I still found myself shocked by the way some readers responded to her - she’s so evil that bitch got Key killed, she’s not even evil enough so she’s something pathetic that can be dismissed, she’s cringe because she uses humour as a coping mechanism, everything is her fault, it’s disgusting how much this formerly emaciated by illness woman talks about her boobs. But then, did Katniss in the Hunger Games get as much sympathy for literally starving as Peeta did for having his feelings hurt? (Note: Peeta also had many legitimate problems and I really like both characters.) And then again, isn’t feeling any kind of way about a character a compliment?

This is one of the reasons Rae is a woman. Society is set up to dismiss women’s pain, and discourage empathy with them. (And yet at the same time, we can’t demand anybody likes any specific character, regardless of gender. We can only observe patterns.)

And listen, I am not equating being a gorgeous talented famous artist with being chronically ill, but there is a phenomenon my friend who’s a psychologist has observed, which is that audiences get tired of famous women after a certain number of years (seven at most) and begin to criticise their looks or say they’re annoying or problematic.

Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence, both relatively inoffensive women, just had to basically go away for a while, until audiences were ready to go ‘wait, is Anne Hathaway talented and beautiful?’ (Yes she has been the whole time.)

The only woman who I’ve seen not have to slink into oblivion for several years when the tide of public opinion turned is, actually, Taylor Swift - there’s a piece online called ‘Darling, Villain, Victor’ which covers this very well. I like Taylor’s songs because a lot of them are narratives. And it was interesting to me to see the way she engaged with the narrative - going ‘okay yes I eat men for breakfast but also they flee from me, I’m drowning in diamonds, I’m covered in snakes, I’m wearing the evil makeup but also the eyeliner is running down my face because I am HYSTERICAL’ - and people looked stupid for saying the thing she’d already said about herself, outsized. Someone who also does this is Dolly Parton. ‘Yes I am everything you say about me. Now what?’

I did find that inspiring. I did want to claim, for my vipers and myself, the beauty and freedom of that ‘Now what?’ Anger is how we survive. We will be blamed for anger and for survival. Okay. Now what?

Another inspiration is the Interview with the Vampire quote ‘evil is a point of view.’ Not one of the Time of Iron characters think of themselves as people who enjoy cruelty for cruelty’s sake. Sure, some glory in justified vengeance, but that’s okay, right…?

To be able to see yourself as the villain in someone else’s story is, in some ways, an act of radical empathy. It’s an early thing Key says that makes him fun to me - that he’s like oh yes, I am evil. He’s very clear-eyed about the fact that, say, many of the people at the glass blowers’ guild (relatively innocent pleasant individuals) were from their point of view flat out murdered by a homicidal maniac for no reason whatsoever. Still when he tells his story, Rae is sympathetic - and it is also the tale of an abused child and a pitilessly corrupt society.

Key isn’t human. And he’s not a sociopath. Key is a god. And actually, it’s considered morally acceptable for gods to raze cities or worlds for sinning, and even to kill their children. But if a god thought he was human and evil, then what? (Was Athena traumatised by her birth?)

Yet another inspiration for me is Congreve. ‘I love her with her faults. Nay, I love her for her faults.’ I did want the vipers to not just be misunderstood darlings but to commit crimes and have serious personality problems.

Does Rae deserve more sympathy than she gets? Sure. At the same time, I really wanted her to have hubris. I refer to Greek plays a lot - where the deus ex machina was invented, art designed for the audience to be rocked and purged by emotion - and it’s this classic failing, to be arrogant and think you can avoid destiny and get this outsize punishment for it. (And people haaate women to be arrogant, and I knew they would find that annoying about her.) Rae doesn’t want Key or Emer to be hurt, but they are both people of a lower class in her employ, whose lives she knows are only saved in the original narrative by another aristocratic woman - and she deliberately sets out to use them and that does put them in harm’s way. Emer is whipped. Key is whipped twice and killed. Rae is not corporally punished in the same way servants are. But then again, when death looms, what choice does she have? Is she the one ultimately responsible for hurting them? No. But does that mean she bears no responsibility at all, when she made a bargain with them? Do we get to hurt others just because we’re hurt? When is lashing out because of trauma okay, never or always? Well…

It’s tricky to discuss personality flaws, because some characters get more sympathy while others’ faults get magnified. I’ve seen Rae discussed as more privileged than Marius - Lord Marius Valerius, second-most powerful man in the kingdom, in possession of literal superpowers, and uh - very arrogant at times himself. (And I love Marius and he has many very legitimate problems!) They are both flawed people. Very few feel villainous to themselves. Very little of what the people we love do to others feels villainous to us. I will miss Octavian so much as an antagonist, because he was such a great one - never for a moment did he consider he was being anything but heroic, and I do think at bottom he was a very ordinary guy, with an absolutely normal capacity for empathy. Yet all that power and privilege and the empty assurance of others and fame ate him right up. He didn’t ever have to look through anyone else’s eyes, and see himself the villain.

But also, can you look at the abyss, and not be changed? Rae at the start of the story would not be capable of tossing a man off the battlements of a tower into a yawning ravine full of flame with a wild, mocking laugh. But she IS that person by the end - and some of us are with her! It’s a villain origin story, emphasis on origin.

So yes it’s wish fulfilment, and yes it’s about villainy, and about having different perceptions of villainy, and which sins and flaws are forgivable in which people... We all have different perceptions. I am posing the questions, but you may have a different answer than I - if either of us find any answers at all.

Still the questions are worth asking. I do believe that.

Truly, thank you for having sympathy with my viper queen.

I remember reading in one of your blog entries (years ago??) that in the new book you were writing, the main character's *sister* had cancer. Does that mean that Alice was originally the main character of Long Live Evil? Was she going to go into the book to save Rae, instead of Rae going in to save herself?

How extremely kind of you to remember!

No, that was actually a YA murder mystery that I wrote while ill, revised while recovering, and sent out into the world where it died on submission. (Which means we sent it out to about 12 editors and the editor either said no, or said yes and took it to acquisitions - a group of people at the publisher including sales and marketing - and acquisitions said no.)

One editor told me she really wanted and really tried to buy it. Another person who worked in publishing (and has since changed jobs, or I wouldn’t share this) said the response at her acquisitions was - if you like this writer, find the next her (implications about health and youth were made).

I was terrified my agent was going to ditch me too, but she said ‘We’ll sell that one day, for now let’s write the next thing.’

I remember another writer telling me she missed my work that wasn’t a tie-in, and I felt ashamed to tell her it wasn’t that I wasn’t writing other things - it was that I couldn’t publish them.

The tie-ins meanwhile were paying the bills (they still are tbh!) and I was and remain so grateful for them. But I also really loved writing them - especially my Sabrina tie-ins, you don’t forget the first, and it reminded me I want to write horror and poly one day - and how they got me to love and sympathise with so many fandoms.

I see the burnout of caregivers all around me, and I wanted to write the story of one. But maybe I also wanted to take a step back from cancer. I didn’t think I did, at the time. I had a whole lot of things I tried writing before Long Live Evil, and I think some of them were really good. One of my critique partners gave me a lipstick with the same name as someone in the murder mystery. There was a romance novel another critique partner said was her favourite thing I’d ever written. But none had someone with cancer at the heart of the story.

And even though Rae isn’t much like me, maybe I had to start there. You can’t make real magic using someone else’s liver. Maybe I had to wait to be brave enough to use my own liver.

I do get requests for advice on how to cope with rejection of your writing, and I always worried I didn’t have anything else to say, but I suppose my example says - if you can, (and I know it’s hard, you feel so terrible at writing and so useless) (and you love the work you’ve done so much and you don’t see a way forward to loving the next thing) (but still, if you possibly can) write the next thing.

Even if the first thing sells, you’ll want the next thing one day. Writing the next thing is more writing practise, so it’ll make you better. Write the next thing.

Ultimately I’m really glad Long Live Evil was my comeback book. I think it needed to be. It took the time it took.

But maybe it was a shade of that past book (where the heroine’s sister with cancer was six, so not much like any of the Time of Iron characters) that made me think of the YA version of this book, which I always had in my mind as something I was intentionally hewing away from - a more straightforward book, a book that might have sold better - in which shy reader Alice was the hero. She’s the one with the suggestive hero name - Alice through the looking glass - the heroine looks, and the more projectable-upon personality. She’d get called annoying less often (though still some, because she’s a girl), partly because she is (with love, Rae knows I’m right) a genuinely less annoying person. Much kinder, much sweeter, and much better at in-depth reading! Her sister being in trouble would’ve been a backstory, a catalyst point, and - you’re totally right - a great motivation for her to get the Flower. Saving a family member is a much more sympathetic and heroic motivation than saving yourself and one I do love (the Hunger Games, Labyrinth, Mahy’s the Changeover, and I write it a lot!). I think Snarky While Tragically Dying Rae would’ve been a pretty popular side character, too. I think it would’ve been a good book! Just not mine.

I love your question because I love thinking about POV, and all the decisions that are the building blocks of a story. To me, the Alice centric Time of Iron is a version that exists. As are several versions of the Lia centric Time of Iron. And versions centring other characters exist to me, too. (Eric, absolutely.)

Speaking of POV musing, I think Rahela the wicked stepsister featured more in the musical than the book. If the Time of Iron series ever became a TV show (and at this point in time I think I’d rather a movie because it wouldn’t… get cancelled…) and I got to write it (don’t know why I would…) I would start with the beginnings for three characters about to go on a journey to somewhere strange to them: Key in the Cauldron, Rae in the hospital, and Vasilisa in the icelands. There are so many possibilities! And I really wanted the sense that there were so many possibilities, too.

But I wanted the chronically ill one to be the centre of the story, and for it to be her villain origin story, and to ask a lot of questions (hence a lot of villains!) about who gets villainised and why. And I thought hers, to my mind, would be the most fun of all the possible stories.

So that’s the one I made. But Long Live Evil has a lot of origins. Thank you for remembering one of them! I don’t think I would’ve dared tell the story, if things hadn’t worked out for me (so far, fingers crossed).

And I also tell it to be clear my publisher was taking a RISK with me and Long Live Evil, and I really appreciate that, and I’m so happy it’s worked out for them (again so far, early days, fingers crossed, etc).

I hope some writers - whether in the process of submission, rejection or making the choices that are the building blocks of story - find this helpful, and some readers find it interesting.

Let this be one of the universes in which your story is told.

[leonidascinema]

FILM FORM: "NIGHT BUS"- The set up

It's me and I'm back bigger and stronger with a brand new project!

For this module we have to choose an outline from last semester's assignment and adapt it into a short film. Our group decided on Robbie Anderson's outline: a boy who is struggling getting through his high school years because of his sexuality.

One night, when he's out partying with his friends, he decides to storm off on his own after having had enough of the constant nagging. He meets this older gay man, whom he has a meaningful conversation with and understands that things come with time, and that making the most of 'being young' may not in fact be what he though it mean.

!!! Meet our Crew !!!

Ben Morley - Producer

Nikola Jurcaga - Production designer

Oliwia Stoszka - Director

Molly Mclachlan - Cinematographer

Georgina Ramsay - Editor

Leonidas Ibarra (me) - Screenwriter

THE PROCESS

For this project, I set myself the goal to do as much research and drafting as possible as to feel more confident in the writing and finalizing process.

Ben organized a meeting between Robbie and I to discuss where to take the outline from there and for me to ask questions concerning the story and intent. We agreed that the short should focus on the reality of being gay with a melancholic feel, and that the resolve should be ongoing and that not every question has to be solved by the end of the film. This was very insightful and helped me set the base for my draft. Catriona, our lecturer, took this discussion further by suggesting I explore the characters some more as to give them more authenticity.

I thus decided to go and interview several queer people to find inspiration for the characters. Here are the logs of the people I have interviewed:

VICTOR (he/him)

Victor is a gay trans man whom I discovered through my own transition journey. I asked him a few questions about his experience

(you can find him on twitter @vic_kino, he posts a lot of very helpful resources for both trans and gay individuals in FRENCH)

YVES (he/him)

I've known Yves my whole life. He is older then the rest of the people I've interviewed for this script and thus has a very different perception on being gay. I interviewed him through the phone and he told me about his experiences during the 1990s and early 2000s.

FRANCIS (they/them)

Francis is one of our classmates. Obviously their experience is widely different from mine so I really wanted their input. We sat down and had a discussion about the reality of being queer and throwing anecdotes here and there.

After I felt sufficiently inspired and prepared, I got to writing the first draft:

(above is the first page)

It seems like the whole crew and Robbie liked where the story went and I am happy with the work I've done as well. I still have a lot to work on - I want to add more interactions to the party scene and flesh out the ending a little more.

And that's the whole process so far :)

Can't wait to go forward and see where this project leads us!

[scriptlgbt]

i'm currently in the writing process of writing my first book. the main love interest is an androgynous non-binary heir. Considering it's a fantasy world, I chose to make it societally normalized. My biggest issue so far has been gender coded appearance descriptors and gendered titles (ie. prince/princess). I want this character to remain as impossible to misgender as possible. close friend's of mine who are non-binary said that oxymorons (ie. softly angular) are my best bet - (1)

(2) - as a cis writer, i thought i'd ask you on how to describe someone androgynous in writing without using gendered words/descriptors. I'm sorry if this may seem like an overbearing question, and please correct me if I had said anything misinformed or offensive. Thank you for your time.

Don’t worry about this being an “overbearing” question - it’s not at all. This blog specifically exists to answer questions like this. There are undoubtedly other people who wonder the same things but who either are afraid to ask (so don’t) or are rude about it. So asking a question respectfully, especially in a setting where you are specifically invited to ask questions, is the best option of those. At least when it comes to something where you need to know the answer for some reason, like in writing good representation.

To get to the actual advice though: I can’t actually tell what you mean by gender-coded appearance descriptors, so I’m going to try to cover what I can. If you’re worried about something like, “soft ringlets and bold eyeliner” skewing feminine (for example), I wouldn’t worry that much about it. Something that describes body parts that happen to be gender-coded by society (breasts or an Adam’s apple for example) will land a lot differently, however. They will likely read with a fetishy tone in most writing. (I’m sure describing these characteristics on a trans character *can* be done in an alright way, but I don’t advise it because of how difficult that would be to pull off.) But as for general descriptors, I wouldn’t worry too much about making sure the descriptions are perfectly even.

Androgyny tends to be perceived differently based on the birth assignment as well. This isn’t fair, but it’s something society does a lot. Ideas of masculinity bringing a DFAB person closer to androgynous, and vice versa, as though our birth assignments are inherently going to skew us one way or another and we need to take efforts in our presentation to counteract that. I found when I started presenting in a way where I was confident and assuming what I would want to wear after top surgery and being on testosterone for a long time, people started assuming I had a different birth assignment more often. I think some of this may be just that people tend to assume groups of people are the same and that I am most often with trans women. But I only think that’s some of it. I’ve sometimes gotten this assumption when I am on my own as well. (Someone once asked me how I’d deal with it as a nonbinary person after being on testosterone long enough to “start passing as a man” and I had to explain that I never really passed as a cis man. Maybe I’ve passed as DMAB, but not as a man. These are not at all the same things.)

Another thing: I get what you’re going for when you mean “as impossible to misgender as possible” but I think it’s also important just to keep in mind that people will find ways to misgender us no matter what. Being seen as myself doesn’t change that some people are going to want to undermine that by making up details in the absence of information. There’s no shortage of people on the internet who tried to hurl transmisogyny at me when I was pointing out transphobia, because their sole perception of transness was the kind that transphobes fearmonger about. So if you can’t get an audience who genders the character correctly, it’s not your fault. Pronouns are easy to get (w/ some variation) when you fundamentally believe that a person is who they are and that their pronouns are part of that. And/or when people practice enough. Don’t take this as a measure against your writing.

Some neutral-coded description ideas:

(Note: some of these may not be neutral-coded depending on setting, but I read them as such personally.)

describing mood/facial expression

mannerisms/the way they carry themself

tone of voice

the way they dress (do their shoes look comfortable? jeans look well-worn? shirt ironed? aesthetic choices?)

confidence, hesitancy, timidness, how this may change around different characters or in different settings

voice speed/volume/pacing

their body language in relation to others present

hair, complexion, other physical features (highly rec this masterpost by Writing With Color on describing various features)

interacting with some object or hobby that helps paint a picture of them (smacking gum, holding a skateboard, paint stains on an apron, boxing gloves hanging off their bike)

piercings (& jewelry), tattoos

the way the weather is interacting with them (wind making their hair blow into their face constantly, rain weighing down their velvet pantsuit, clumsy on the frozen sidewalk, twirling a parasol)

- mod nat

[mbti-notes]

INFJ. Processing past Fe failures. Want to get better at socializing / having deeper relationships/friendships. Muddling through Ti development - desiring to get better at self-awareness + communication. A lot in my brain and it'd be a lot to share the entirety of recent exchanges that have ended up in failed relationships, so I'll try asking this and hope it's enough to get critical thinking help from you, thank you much in advance. (1/2)

[con't: I notice a pattern of me trying to communicate and express myself to be understand by, or be emotionally met by Fi users, and them responding by saying things like "I don't know what you want from me", "I don't know how to help you," "I'm sorry you feel that way" or them even saying variations of "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" (ENTJ) if I express that I feel dismissed, uncomfortable, or disrespected.

This isn't ALL Fi users thank God & I'm in therapy now to address my downplaying of my emotional needs, being willing to work through anything even though the romantic relationships I'm attracting are woefully incompatible or unhealthy. But I want to get better at doing my part to increase the chance of relationships building. What am I doing/expecting/judging in my communication with Fi users so they respond that way or has me feeling being unseen/misunderstood? Is it the basic INFJ recs?]

You point to Fi specifically. Fi doesn't require outside validation, so perhaps what you're encountering is their lack of concept of outside validation, in the manner that you're seeking it with Fe.

All of those example statements sound like they could be taken sincerely. "I don't know what you want from me" could be an opportunity for you to better explain what you need/want. "I don't know how to help you" could be an opportunity for you to provide better instructions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" could be a helpless admission that the two of you don't see things the same way. "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" could be an indication that there is a need to investigate the big gap between what was perceived and what was actually intended.

Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye with you, not everyone is going to agree with your version of events, not everyone is going to care about your needs and feelings enough to address them kindly and patiently. This should all be okay with you unless you were walking around expecting everyone out there to have the capacity to meet you emotionally or validate your emotions (unhealthy Fe)? That's simply not gonna happen, so it's an unreasonable expectation. That's why it's so important that YOU be the first to take care of yourself and own your emotions, set proper personal boundaries, and navigate interpersonal boundaries more gracefully.

If you feel someone has violated your boundary (i.e. you feel hurt by them), the answer isn't to violate theirs in return. You're trying to fix a problem in the relationship, so further damaging the relationship isn't going to help. Whether you are right to feel hurt is not the main issue. Feelings themselves are always true and tell you something true about you. However, what you DO about the feelings isn't always right. There are two main ways people deal with negative feelings: 1) bottle them up, which amounts to self-harm, or 2) express them, which opens up the possibility of doing harm to others, if they don't have the means to process your feelings. Neither way is ideal.

If your main approach is to expect people to change (when they can't or don't want to), expect them to give you more than they are capable of giving (due to not having the means or resources), expect them to understand something that they are not really capable of understanding (when they just don't think in the same way as you), etc, your expectations are easily perceived as "demands". You're essentially pressuring people to be what you want them to be, which amounts to dishonoring them and violating their boundary. This approach is usually met with submission or resistance. If they submit to you (because they care for you), they will be unhappy for having allowed you to violate their boundary, and the problem will recur because it was only swept under the rug. If they resist you, conflict ensues, and the relationship bond will be tested and possibly threatened, especially if the conflict recurs without resolution.

There is a way to honor your feelings while also honoring others' feelings. It requires you to have good emotional intelligence and be a good communicator. Good emotional intelligence means respecting your feelings and taking full responsibility for them. Instead of seeing yourself as the victim (i.e. "you made me feel this way"), you see yourself as an agent with the power to decide what is best (i.e. "I feel this way and this is what I should do about it"). Positioning yourself as a passive or helpless victim means that you cast blame and eventually demand reparations. Positioning yourself as an active and influential agent means that you survey the situation objectively and then try to act in the best interests of everyone involved. This is what healthy and confident Fe should look like.

For example, when you feel dismissed, maybe you bottle it up for awhile, until you can't take it anymore (because the problem remains unaddressed). Then you confront people and say, "I feel dismissed". This implies that the other person has done something bad to you. You are the victim, which puts them on the spot, feeling like the bad guy, and then they can't hear you, due to becoming too preoccupied with not wanting to be the bad guy. Communication is likely to stall there, unless they have the wherewithal (emotional intelligence) to keep their focus on you and your concerns.

Instead, you could say to yourself, "I feel dismissed". You take full responsibility for your feelings and validate them for yourself. When you are good at validating your own feelings and emotions (something you admit you really struggle with), you'll eventually find that you won't need to rely on others to do it for you.

What does it mean to feel dismissed? It means that you believe you're not being taken seriously, or something to that effect. Not very difficult to understand. What to do about it? The feeling of disharmony is a message to you that you have to do more to advocate for yourself and make space for yourself within the relationship/group (it is good Fe advice). There are many ways to advocate for yourself without stepping on others. If you choose the right way, in terms of honoring everyone involved, the feeling of being dismissed will dissipate naturally. If you choose the wrong way, in terms of honoring yourself but dishonoring others, you'll encounter the problem again, because you haven't addressed the underlying problem of you positioning yourself as the victim in every relationship conflict. Chronic victim mentality is often an indication that you depend too much on outside validation of your self-worth.

Unless you are stuck in a very toxic social environment, the majority of people are not malicious for no reason. Before accusing or blaming, are you absolutely certain that they INTENDED to dismiss you? If not, wouldn't it be wise to gather more info? For instance, you could ask something like, "Have you had the time to give my idea serious consideration?" No blaming, no battling, no victim-victimizer dynamic. Do you understand how communicating without blame, through genuine inquiry, avoids trapping the both of you in a vicious cycle of seeking emotional reparations? You give people the benefit of the doubt. You give people the chance to clarify or explain. You give yourself the chance to grasp the FULL picture so that you can make a more informed decision about what to do (based on their response to your question). But this presence of mind isn't possible when you can't accept your feelings/emotions and they run wild as a result.

One common misapplication of Ti is the tendency to jump to illogical conclusions or make up illogical stories about what is motivating people's negative behavior, all the while believing that you're being completely logical. It's a destructive way to deal with negative or disharmonious feelings. Once the false narrative infects your mind, you can't help but perceive the person as attacking you, even when they're not. This misuse of Ti is a major impediment to relationship building.

The problem with victim mentality is that you are hyperfocused on your perspective only, so you only have half the picture, which means making ill-informed decisions. If you are prone to Ti loop, you need to get to the bottom of why you're so quick to position yourself in the passive position of victim. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership based on trust, which means that you should always try to 1) give people the benefit of the doubt, and 2) gather the facts of the situation before drawing a conclusion about what they intended or what kind of character they are.

If the fact of the matter is that the person really doesn't care about your feelings, then you know not to seek validation from them, and perhaps distance from them for your own good. Don't play around in toxic or abusive relationships. If the fact of the matter is that your perception of the situation doesn't match up with what they intended to say/do, then it's up to you to straighten out the situation in your mind before proceeding.

Trust your feelings, validate your feelings, but don't act blindly on them (i.e. without fully grasping what's happening with the other person). Figure out why exactly you're feeling what you're feeling, then take it up with the person in a way that addresses the root of the problem and in a way that doesn't immediately put them on the defensive. Conflict is sometimes unavoidable, but being more skilled at communicating your concerns will certainly reduce the amount of pain required to reach a resolution.