#'WHY is this a romantic relationship when every element of it could be kept and it could be a perfectly platonic relationship?'

[eosofspades]

also love aroaceness love being aroacespec but i need to vent for a sec, realizing im on the aro spectrum and queering my ideas about how relationships can be has fucking eviscerated my ability to write romance. nearly every one i try to write ends up being more queerplatonic and suuuper not traditionally romantic (in most cases you can't even really call it that), and even when it doesn't, i get totally lost trying to write the attraction bc - i can't describe it as "wanting to be more," bc romance isn't inherently better/more fulfilling than platonic relationships, i think an actual romantic relationship is already just a best friend with different intimacy, but you can't boil it down to JUST that, bc then that's physical/sexual attraction which is a whole third thing, and anyway friends can kiss and sleep together perfectly platonically, and what even IS the difference between platonic and romantic anyway? like yeah my romance writing when i was 12 was a little more shallow but at least it was ROMANCE. please its so dark in here

[rjmhereunderprotest]

Evergreen Evermore

"Sometimes you do get everything you want." Beast Boy says in the opening issue of the "Technis Imperative." A miniseries advertising a fight between the Teen Titans and Justice League, was actually a story reaffirming that the Titans overall are a family. A found family of friends united in the cause of heroism. If there were ever two characters who best emphasized this element of their mythos, it's been Garfield Logan and Raven.

Beast Boy came from a broken family of fellow freaks that even he couldn't find a place in. Raven escaped a destiny thrust on her by an abusive father. And through the Titans they found their true selves, where they belonged among friends and, eventually, found each other.

Beast Boy and Raven are the most popular Teen Titans ship out there. They didn't start out that way, they didn't always love each other, but in the past few decades, that's changed real fast. These two characters found the most unlikely of romances with another, against every sort of odd placed against them. From rival ships to shifting writing teams, but now they're as cemented as Gambit and Rogue or Lois and Clark. And as a person who has been with them since the ship truly took off, it's been a journey. And want you to join me on looking back on it. This is how, if you wait long enough, sometimes... you can get everything you ever wanted.

Origins

Beast Boy and Raven met when Raven first formed the New Teen Titans, the seminal George Perez & Marv Wolfman run that kicked off the golden era/standard of the Teen Titans. Raven formed the Teen Titans to defeat her father, the Demon Lord Trigon. Through a harrowing series of events, battling the evil Hive, facing down Deathstroke, recovering from the betrayal of Terra, the Titans eventually triumphed against Raven's father.

It was a tumultuous period for the team, but for Raven and Beast Boy, it was more about personal affirmation and growth within themselves. There's very little to go on concerning romantic entanglements between the two. The most one can glean is Raven's distrust of Terra as possible jealousy, but that's a stretch. Raven was not ready for such a relationship, she fear her own emotions too much to commit to anyone. Garfield mostly tried to pester her to give in to those emotions, but he could come off as an annoying little brother more often than not.

What's important here is establishing what both were going through at the time. For Beast Boy, it was mostly about becoming comfortable in his own skin around others. For a very long time, his class clown routine was hiding a very sensitive kid, one that tried to keep himself guarded with humor. Gar was very prone to emotional reactions more than anyone as a result. It was why Terra's betrayal in "Judas Contract" hurt him so much, he truly did love her and she felt nothing for him, less than nothing, she secretly hated him.

And yet she has a statue in their hall of fame despite being a psychotic murdering monster, go figure.

Raven, however, was very guarded in that she didn't show anything. Garfield wore his heart on his sleeve, Raven kept it locked up tight, fearing what it do to those around her if she let it loose. When Raven was free of her father's influence, becoming Raven the White as I call her, she tried desperately to engage with those emotions for the first time but was clearly confused about how to react to all of them. For a time she believed she was in love with Dick Grayson, Nightwing, but she was confusing her platonic affection for a friend with romance, which she had felt before now. Raven's struggle has always been trying to connect to those emotions, trying to properly understand them for herself as much as she can for others, being an Empath. So at the time, she was not fully formed into her own sense of self, only being able to explore so late in life.

At this stage, as said before, you can only mostly see Raven and Beast Boy as siblings. However they are not devoid of connection to each other. Raven remained close with all the Titans and relied on Garfield as much as anyone, entrusting him in fact with a part of her soul self during another bout of the Evil Influence of her Daddy. However, the Wolfman/Perez era ends with Beast Boy and Raven as merely that, friends and subsequent eras saw Raven either separated from her body entirely or Beast Boy not on the Teen Titans proper anyway.

And not many people gave it a second thought honestly. Raven wasn't looking for love, Beast Boy was hung up on Terra, she was a bit older than him, he was an immature kid. The Goth and Class Clown, that's all they were in the Teen Titans' little Breakfast Club.

What changed?

Everything.

The Spark Ignites

The Teen Titans cartoon of the early 2000s was where the ball really got rolling. With DC Animation on a roll, the decision to create an anime-influenced show aimed at younger kids to compliment their ongoing made-for-older kids fair, Teen Titans catapulted the team and the characters into an entirely new era. And with it came new dynamics between everyone, Beast Boy and Raven included.

Raven became less shut off, embracing the sarcastic goth element of her archetype. Beast Boy became even more of a comic relief character, emphasizing his funny quirks and silly attitude even greater than the comics had. Raven was, of course, the greatest departure, her powers being upgraded and her relationship with the other members of the team being more reserved, closed off and restrained. Episodes around her focused on her coming out of her shell and interacting, getting to know her new friends, and accepting her emotions. Beast Boy's were generally more comedic outings, suiting his voice actor, Greg Cipes, comedic sensibilities. Not to say he didn't get serious episodes, he did, plenty. But the emphasis on both characters was obvious, they were directly opposed opposites more than ever.

And as a result they kept getting paired off, often in those episodes that allowed Beast Boy to act outside his comedic comfort zone. But outside of those, both characters became an eternal straight/funny man duo. And it was some of the best banter on the show.

Beast Boy seemed to make it his mission to make Raven crack a smile, to laugh at one of his jokes, to find him funny. Raven of course resisted, chastising his frankly childish behavior as just that. A silly distraction she couldn't afford. She could be scary at times in her responses to his antics and yet Beast Boy didn't give up, he kept trying to make a connection with her.

And this was where I came in.

Their interactions on the show were so much fun and so flirtatious coded I couldn't help but see them as romantic partners. And I sought out a community of like-minded individuals who felt the same on an online forum. There we shared our thoughts on the series, how the characters were evolving, and how much they seemed to truly care for each other even as they got on each other's nerves. And in time we sorta formed a little family of our own, as communities often do when they share common interests online. And we had a lot to be interested in because, throughout the years, Beast Boy and Raven always seemed like the highlight of any episode, even if wasn't about either of them.

To go over every moment of the series would get old fast and this would just become one of countless "proof of canon" lists. But I do feel there are specific episodes that helped cement Beast Boy and Raven as romantic interests, more so than others. "Nevermore" is one, where Beast Boy and Cyborg enter Raven's mind and discover just how guarded her emotional state is. Her emotions are in fact split into various personalities within her mindscape, compartmentalized to an extreme degree to keep them under control.

Beast Boy has felt routinely ignored and belittled by Raven since the show started and just can't seem to get her, thinking she just likes being mean to him. But that is far from the case. In fact, we learn from Happy Raven (Pictured above) that she actually DOES find Beast Boy funny. In fact, all of Raven's emotions reveal that she does actually value her friends and cares about their opinions of her, as Sad Raven seems to suggest. That she loves being a hero and saving lives, Brave Raven. But she keeps it all locked away for her own protection as well as others. A fight with Anger Raven, who has gone out of control, actually enables Beast Boy to not only reach a point of understanding with Raven but also allow her to realize she doesn't have to do all this self-care alone anymore. It's the first time both Raven and Beast Boy actually reach common ground and can confidently be viewed as friends.

"Spellbound" is a test for Raven in actually utilizing her emotions and exploring them, but realizing people can and will take advantage of her. She allows a mysterious magic user trapped in one of her books, Malchior, to teach her his knowledge. And while Raven grows happier and more accustomed to her emotions, she also starts growing apart from her friends, cutting them off more and more as she envelops herself in this new relationship. Only realizing when it's too late that Malchior is not only a Dark Magic user, but also not the wizard from the story. He's the dragon and Raven just accidentally freed him.

After the battle atop Titans Tower concludes with the miserable lying dragon locked away again, Beast Boy comes to check on Raven. He's actually been the most concerned about how she's been acting lately. And was a lot more concerned about Raven when Malchior escaped, than the others were initially.

Raven is still feeling hurt, but while the source of her change was bad, Beast Boy doesn't want her to shut down again. Yes, Raven is creepy, but that doesn't mean Beast Boy and the Titans want her to remain in her room locked away. Raven isn't as alone in things as she believes she is. And the Titans, Beast Boy in particular, are there for her. Raven exits her room and hugs Beast Boy in response. The moment is ruined by Cyborg's stankball, but Raven actually participates in the game she earlier derided in the episode. It's obviously a big moment for Raven, allowing her a chance to connect with Beast Boy and show affection and gratitude.

Raven returns the favor actually a few episodes later in "Beast Within", where Beast Boy's animal-shifting abilities suddenly become more feral when he is doused with a chemical. It makes him more violent and angry. Eventually, he turns into a werewolf creature of sorts. At first, it's feared he attacks Raven and kidnaps her, but that's not the case. A villain, Adonis, got doused with similar chemicals and became an identical-looking monster. Beast Boy defended Raven when he attacked the tower and her.

While things are cleared up, Beast Boy is clearly shaken about what was inside of him and how it came out. Raven, possibly recognizing that for once Beast Boy has more in common with her than she thought, tries to comfort him.

Reminding Beast Boy that while that thing is inside him, he controls it. More importantly, even as that monster he still protected her. Learning to control when to let it out is what makes Beast Boy a man, not a monster. He almost ruins the moment himself this time with a joke, but there's still a clear connection forged here. Beast Boy and Raven do understand one another better by this point. Moreso than ever.

That connection would be tested by more than just villains but also rivals of the ship itself. Terra's Introduction to the Series was a major roadblock for some. Unlike her comic counterpart, she was more sympathetic and likable and did not hate the Titans. Her apparent "death" being petrified always presented an out that she could return. Season 4 chose Robin to be Raven's anchor throughout the arc as she battled her demons at last in the face of Trigon's return. This was probably more because they used Slade to be Trigon's herald and Robin and him were archenemies more so than any other Titan. But the idea in many people's minds was that Robin and Raven were the theoretical endgame. Their platonic partnership reads as romantic to some.

This happens a lot honestly, people read things into moments and interactions than what is actually there. They see patterns and they recognize personal preferences. And it always leads to ship wars. BBRae vs RobRae was frankly bigger than BBT, although the latter was persistent and often times aligned with the former rival. It stayed that way for most of season 4 and even after. Frankly, it was somewhat annoying to see Robin seemingly taking over a storyline to a degree that should've been Raven's, just because his archenemy was suddenly the minion of the new one. Even weirder still was seeing a bunch of the build-up concerning Robin and Starfire's relationship put on hold for this season. All the while they tried to insist on this connection with Robin that, had largely, gone ignored until now in favor of bonding with Beast Boy.

However, it was obvious enough in hindsight that we probably had nothing to actually concern ourselves with. It was always going to be Robin and Starfire in the end, there was no doubt. They had invested too much in creating that romance subplot to just abandon it. In fact, sadly that was the actual problem for BBRae in the show, strangely enough. Every romantic possibility was secondary to RobStar in the eyes of the creative team. They didn't discourage other ships, but they didn't see the connections to the same degree others had. To them, Beast Boy and Raven were a sibling dynamic, despite the connection being far from platonic in many people's eyes. But no, Robin and Starfire were the primary romantic concern for the showrunners, they were the teen love story on the series and there was no room for a second.

As for Terra, her connection with Beast Boy was cut off entirely at the show's finale, "Things Change." Terra came back and she didn't seem to remember or want to remember her time with the Titans and Beast Boy didn't understand why she wouldn't. He kept trying to convince her to come back, but she was adamant, that wasn't her life anymore. It never would be. Beast Boy had to accept that, as the final lesson any teenager has to learn, growing up and accepting change. However, fans didn't appreciate the lesson, mostly we were just annoyed everything got cut off in a fade to white before the weird monster the Titans were fighting could be defeated.

It was frustrating, to say the least, to have to deal with the fallout of the finale. BBT shippers were resurgent for a few months, trying to fix things so Terra would be forced to return. One guy did not get the message and repeatedly kept writing stories to force things to go back to how he wanted them. He turned Beast Boy into a rip-off of a Paper Mario villain who almost destroyed reality because his Ex didn't want to get back with him. Yeah, strangely enough not many people found the depiction very sympathetic.

We had our laughs with it, but mostly I was just tired of it all. I wanted to focus on Beast Boy and Raven, but with Terra still around in the background, it always gave ammunition to the what-if scenario. That maybe she could come back.

However, the show was over, and that was beyond all of us now. We had to move forward and accept that. Thankfully, we had other content because while the TV Show's writers weren't interested in any other romance subplot but Starfire and Robin... the comics had started to come around.

Meanwhile, In Another Universe...

Geoff John's run on Teen Titans started around the same time the TV Show did and essentially recreated the same cast you saw there with a few introductions to the team from Young Justice, fresh off the appalling Graduation Day special that basically scuttled their book and the previous Teen Titans series. The run has its ups and downs, I'm not here to claim otherwise, but it is still highly regarded and loved. Especially among BBRae shippers, because it opened the door for them to be comics canon. And this is where our story REALLY begins.

John's first story was in fact about the resurrection of Raven into a new body, younger, more powerful, and in line with what was being planned out for the cartoon. The changes to her powerset and age were clearly an attempt at synergy, but the results were self-evident.

Beast Boy is actually among the first of the Titans to see Raven in her new body and as a result snaps her out of being ensnared by Brother Blood's control. She returns to her friends, the Titans, now truly reborn and free of her father's influence once and for all. While she remains guarded, dark, and goth as ever she isn't nearly as cut off from her emotions. And over the coming issues, it becomes pretty apparent she and Beast Boy were becoming much closer.

And then came issue 30 of the run and this page...

This shook every shipper in the fandom. Geoff Johns just made our ship canon, we honestly couldn't believe it. We felt like we were being listened to, specifically catered to. This was also around the time the show was ending, so the prospect that we could still continue... well it suddenly brought new life to things. From a creative staff on a show that didn't care to the comics suddenly confirming things, to say it was wild to be right there in the thick of it when it happened... it was a weird feeling.

We probably got a bit egotistical, thinking we had willed this into being by how popular the ship was on the show. Truth is Johns had already decided on this well in advance. Comic runs are planned out years ahead of publication. Johns has apparently stated he wanted a romance for young and old fans. Said young fans got Cassie Sandsmark, Wonder Girl, and Connor Kent, Superboy. As holdovers from Young Justice, the fans of which had migrated now to Teen Titans, it just made sense. And while Starfire was on the team, Dick Grayson was not, so Raven and Beast Boy became the natural fit. But at this point, a canon connection, a romantic one, had been established between the two.

However, there's further context to this story and it's not all happy. This page was taking place during a storyline that revealed the gates to the Afterlife had just been left open, allowing a lot of dead people to just come back. Raven and Beast Boy, after this kiss, manage to travel to the underworld and close it back up. Raven is somewhat guarded over the whole kiss thing, but it is confirmed they start up a romance. It is unfortunately not long-lived, because this storyline was the precursor to a much bigger event, Infinite Crisis, because Superboy Prime punching reality caused the door to crack open. Infinite Crisis was also written by Geoff Johns, and the events of that story would lead into One Year Later. That was a line-wide promotion where every comic book jumped one year into the future in-universe. And in that one year of time... Beast Boy and Raven broke up.

The reason took a while to be revealed, but essentially, Beast Boy's attempts at leading the Teen Titans put a strain on their relationship and sadly they ended things after a disastrous mission got a lot of Titans killed. Not Beast Boy's fault mind you, DC kills Teen Titans like it's going out of style. They were fighting Black Adam, it was inevitable.

For a good amount of time, Beast Boy and Raven were off the Titans and it was up in the air that their romance would ever continue considering it ended just as suddenly as it started.

Judd Winick took over a new Titans book a few years later, starring mostly the same team from the cartoon with some additions. But Beast Boy and Raven were back on the same team and that held promise for the couple. The opening storyline once again featured another plot by Trigon, or more accurately his spawn, to complete the apocalypse Raven wimped out on. Raven was understandably very disturbed by the prospect her Pops was back and Beast Boy was more than a little concerned. That storyline ended with her evil self once again being purged, but with Raven fearing her innate evilness could arise again. Beast Boy and Raven continued to interact heavily though. At one point, he even held her hair back while she was puking in a toilet. Only someone who really loves you is going to go that far for you, honestly.

Raven, however, seemed reluctant to return Beast Boy's advances, again because she feared what could happen if she allowed her emotions free reign. So it was the TV Show dynamic all over again but with a more overtly romantic tone. It was obvious Raven had unresolved feelings for Beast Boy, but was reluctant to actually give in to them. That was until issue 100 of "Teen Titans" proper though, when Raven finally confronts why she's been avoiding admitting her feelings for Gar.

A touching moment, the culmination of a whole run of comics dealing with Raven's emotional safeguards and Beast Boy trying to break through them. It took forever, but at last, they were back together. Just like we all wanted!

Too bad this was the final issue before Flashpoint happened and then the New 52 showed up! Because Dan Didio really, REALLY wanted to do that reboot and scuttle the whole damn project! So Flash almost destroys the world through time travel only to sorta save it by kinda fixing it, but actually creating a whole new continuity for everything! Thus, Erasing all this progress with Beast Boy and Raven practically overnight. You win some, you lose some. The two kissing in this final issue was basically a consolation prize. Here's your ship, losers, now enjoy our new gritty reboot! It was kind of a gut punch and the prospect of starting all over again did not feel good.

But there's a benefit to starting fresh... less baggage, a better understanding of what worked and what didn't. And while the writers and editorial weren't ready to go all in on them, Beast Boy and Raven wouldn't be kept apart forever. The question was, what would they become in this new world?

Back to Square One?

It took a long time for Beast Boy and Raven to actually find each other again in the New 52, which was frankly not a good time for any of the Titans. Starfire was written to be a sexual goldfish fantasy palling around with Jason Todd and a Trucker Hat-wearing Roy Harper. Rose Wilson had been outright reverted into a villain. The new Teen Titans team had none of the characters we were familiar with save for maybe Robin but he was Tim Drake, not Dick Grayson. And all of the teen heroes were wrapped up in the stupidity that was Harvest, a dumb-as-rocks villain with confusing motives and goals. It was a shit show that no Titans fan was into but was forced to watch.

As you can see, Garfield was now red, to tie him closer with "The Red" the mystic force counter to "The Green.' The latter controls all plant life whereas the former concerns animals, so if Beast Boy is all about animals and "The Red" is all about animals, then Beast Boy is now red. It didn't last because no one really liked it. The New 52 had an aversion to most colors that weren't edgy like black and red, even Nightwing was infected by it. Eventually they got over the phase though.

Raven herself was on Trigon's side in this continuity, because the New 52 seemed to be big on making more heroes into villains than actually doing anything interesting with the characters they owned. She mind-controlled Beast Boy in this encounter, not exactly a good start to things, but eventually, she did her proper heel-face turn and freed Gar of his mind control.

And this is where things get... weird for the ship. Because strangely enough, despite their rocky start, Beast Boy and Raven remained close. In fact, they're practically joined at the hip. In contrast to their original depiction as friends but fairly distant, they're close friends from the start in this continuity. It is clear at this point that the dynamic has shifted, the universe might be rebooted, but Raven and Beast Boy still care deeply for each other. They're not romantic, but they're basically best friends.

In fact, I'd argue that they're even closer as Raven doesn't hide her feelings around Gar like she used to. Their time together, him encouraging her, caring about her, insisting she isn't alone anymore, has fostered a deep bond. Raven even LAUGHS at his jokes now... openly. They go on missions together, back each other up, he even checks in on her mid-battle! It's kinda insane to see them so in sync so early on in their relationship in this continuity... but it's there.

This continues, Raven and Beast Boy are constantly there for one another. No matter how many twists and turns towards the stupid "The New 52" and later "Rebirth" Era take, Beast Boy is there for Raven and Raven is there for Beast Boy. Saving each other's lives, coaching them through really traumatic situations, and just plain hanging out or texting. They're basically a couple already, they're just not making out, even the other characters start to take notice.

There were attempts to give Raven someone else as a boyfriend. During Damian Wayne's stint as leader of the Titans, more accurately Starfire but let's not sweat details, they tried to set her up with Kid Flash, the new one. That did not last at all, it was rejected by fans and ended around the time Heroes in Crisis basically fucked over the Flash Family in general. It was an experiment that simply did not work and felt more like an attempt to give the New Kid Flash legs because he wasn't connecting as well with the fanbase, especially with the pre-New 52 Wally back.

In fact, I barely remembered it until I started writing this little project, that's how little impact it had on me. That was the problem with a lot of "The New 52's" additions to the canon. They were made with good intentions but with no practical ideas on how to actually make them work. I don't even know if anyone is really that big of a fan of the New Wally West. This isn't to deride the character, it's just... Wally with Raven was so nothing. The precedent was Raven, way back in the Wolfman/Perez days, originally made the first Wally West think he was in love with her using her empathic abilities. This was to get him to join the Titans and it was pretty skeevy of her. Why bring that back in? The point is, it just never rang true and was quickly gone and forgotten once that run on the Titans ended.

By Titans Academy, the dynamic between Gar and Raven takes its next most logical step. With both of them becoming instructors at the school for teen heroes, their relationship basically fosters into a more paternal one, and when you're taking care of kids together...

They've stopped time in this story to have a date with each other... yeah at this point they've stopped kidding themselves. Need I remind you this is over several books, various writers, changes in editorial management, narrative directions, and a ton of events just dropping in to disrupt the ever-chaotic status quo of the DC Universe... and yet NOTHING walks this back. No one is trying to separate them as friends and attempts to stick Raven with someone else do not stick for long. The comics repeatedly insist, despite their differences, they are close and remain close no matter how strange things get.

By this point, even before they start actively dating again, they're canon... again!

How? How did this happen? Despite "The New 52" erasing several decades worth of comic book continuity and history, years separated from one another before they even met, they are basically set up as girlfriend and boyfriend in everything but name! Their dynamic might not be entirely the same, but the relationship has survived the reboot and survived every single new writer and editor and line-wide shakeup thrown at them. And the lone attempt to throw a monkey wrench in the potential romance? Promptly forgotten after being utterly rejected by fans.

The simplest explanation is obvious, the people who grew up with the TV Show in their teens are now in charge and that dynamic stuck with them. It made sense to put these two diametrically opposed characters together and see how it works. And arguably, it's probably the healthiest, most positive relationship in the entire reboot era, which has been saturated with DC screwing the pooch on a lot of popular ships since day one. (Even after Lois got back with Clark, they still kept her bitch personality. Let's not even start with how they handled Batman and Catwoman for a while.)

If it was just the comics though it wouldn't mean much but fans finally upgrading to official writers and making their ship fics real. There is more to this and for that, we have to look to a corner of the fandom that is somewhat... maligned.

Dare to be Stupid

Teen Titans Go! is a show fraught with baggage. The fandom of Teen Titans still remains somewhat split on things. It's the old cast from the original show, voicing the same characters and everything. But now they're no longer doing the serious superhero stories. Now every episode is basically one of the filler one-offs that took time off from the big seasonal arcs. Specifically, the goofy ones that Beast Boy took the lead on. Nothing is taken seriously, the characters have been Flanderized to their hyper-comedic personas, and any semblance of a seasonal arc or overarching narrative is gone in favor of episodic adventures full of silly goofball stuff.

For a time, I did not like the show. Frankly, it somewhat strained things with a good friend of mine. He hadn't been a fan of the original show, he preferred the comics. I was confused why he was so into this new clearly more childish show, but he claimed it was because it was indeed funny and because BBRae was actually canon this time.

I was not initially convinced, saying something to the effect that he was being roped in because of his shipping preferences. He took offense to that and frankly, I was wrong to do so. It wasn't fair. Thankfully it didn't ruin our friendship, mostly because I actually changed my opinion on the show when I saw a clip from its April Fool's episode's ending. In it, they all seemed to conclude their various character arcs. Gar and Raven became engaged, Cyborg planned to leave for the Justice League, Robin became Nightwing and was about to kiss Starfire... and then April Fools!

At that moment, I understood... this show does not care what I think of it. It simply does not care if I think it is stupid or juvenile or dumb. It doesn't give a single shit about my nostalgia or my demands upon it. It is perfectly happy with being itself and what itself... is a silly superhero show for children. And they are having fun making it, all of them... and I realized that hating it for being true to itself was... dumb of me. I can't make the show what I want to be because of what I want. It wouldn't be their show if that's how it went down. My problem wasn't with this show existing, it was the lack of serious superhero cartoons to balance it out, but that wasn't its fault. This team was never gonna make that show, they already made that show. In fact, when I got that show I thought I wanted when Young Justice returned, I ended up hating it because it took itself even more seriously than any superhero show should. Hating TTG! for being what it wants to be is like hating the MCU for making superheroes fun and accessible to everyone. And the last thing I want to be is like one of those MCU haters.

This segways nicely into our main question: But why here? What makes this stupid show something where BBRae can happen, but the in the more serious-minded original cartoon it's ignored despite the chemistry? Simple, it's been long enough that both the writers have realized where the REAL romantic intrigue was with the original cast... and TTG! makes it easier to come to fruition.

I don't watch the show, even if I no longer hate it. The series is just not for me. I'm not sure its style of humor, reminiscent of Spongebob and similar episodic kids' series, works with me as well as it might have back when I was a kid. I'm older now, and my humor preferences have changed. That doesn't make it not funny, it's just not something I'm particularly going to find funny. The point is, this style of humor allows Raven to be a lot less closed off. Now that everyone has shifted somewhat in personality to be more exaggerated, they are more in line with Beast Boy who has not really changed. And as a result Raven, who in the original show had a strong connection to Beast Boy, even if it was platonic, is less sheltered and closed-off. She gets involved more, she laughs more, and she does more weird insane things. It's easier for her to not take things seriously. Therefore, it's easier for her to be with Beast Boy because all the walls are already down.

Similar to what eventually happened in the New 52. The closeness, the similarities, the familiarity, the friendship, the work... it had already been finished! Not in the same sense, but in the general essence of that slow development. Strangely enough, because the show no longer took itself so seriously, Raven had even more in common with Beast Boy than ever despite retaining her differences.

Weirdly enough, it was now Robin and Starfire who became more at odds because Robin's insistence on being cool, mature, and badass has made it harder for him to see Starfire's obvious affection for him. At the same time, he's not in a place to return it despite clearly liking her. Beast Boy is not concerned with that and Raven is not nearly as against the idea as she was in the original show. When Trigon is no longer evil incarnate, but just another asshole animated dad that pops in to create a problem of the week, the dangers of Raven's "unchecked emotions" becomes just another gag.

When everything is a joke stakes don't matter and, as I pointed out, this show is actively against creating real stakes. The Titans in this series regularly fight Santa Claus... he's their biggest villain. Not Slade, Not Trigon, Santa! And from what I can gather it's mostly because he won't give them presents because they are on the naughty list for obvious reasons. None of this can be taken seriously! Raven collects Pony Plushes as a nod to Tara Strong playing Twilight Sparkle around the same time. Beast Boy spends an entire episode with Cyborg only saying the word "Waffle." This is not a series that really cares that much about anything other than having a laugh. Raven's biggest hang-up, being the anti-christ, is no longer a major issue because this series DEFIES the concept of taking anything Superhero related as seriously.

So in that context, when everything is already a joke, what's stopping her from being with Beast Boy, the biggest jokester in the group? Especially when she clearly likes having fun and making jokes as much as the rest of the group? The answer: Nothing! She can be open with her feelings and Beast Boy's immaturity isn't as big of a turn-off because she's just as immature and silly. And time and distance have proven their chemistry was more compelling, so the relationship becoming canon is easier to slot in here than anywhere!

So comics readers and kids now have two versions of this relationship that are canon. But during this push in both mediums, the tidal wave was already building... until the dam just broke completely.

Green and Purple Everywhere!

It wasn't very long until it seemed Beast Boy and Raven were everywhere as a couple. And DC wasn't just letting it happen, they actively encouraged it. Popping up in skins in Fortnite as a promotional stunt is one thing, being introduced together, as romantically involved, was essentially a stamp of approval. A statement that these characters were inexplicably linked. And it was not the only thing they were doing, they were recruiting outright shippers and fans of them into the creative process.

DC pushed a YA Graphic Novel with art by Gabriel Picolo, best known for drawing the Titans as real-world teenagers. Especially BB and Raven... together... constantly. DC at this point clearly considers that these two as a couple is a profitable arrangement. That there is simply enough love for it and engagement with it that it only makes sense to go with it and make money off of it. You do not sell a book like this if you don't think there's an audience for it. Marvel has made bank by teasing people about Peter and MJ's epic love story despite not wanting them to be officially together in the comics... for years now!

And to top it all off... they became a meme! A very ridiculous meme where Raven demands Beast Boy turn into animals for hanky panky, but a meme nonetheless. Once you get to that point the ship is firmly ingrained in pop culture.

Even when they aren't together as a couple, they are together as a dynamic. The live-action Titans show maintained the two as very close friends. While the show never went the extra mile, it was obvious that the chemistry was there and the showrunners wanted to maintain it. Keeping them as close friends and connected together in their sub-plots. The first few episodes basically have him bringing her home to his weird family, The Doom Patrol, and having dinner with them. It goes a bit south from there as I understand, but not from anything Gar does. Beast Boy is presented as Raven's anchor throughout the series an important one that keeps her sane and tethered to the people who care and value her. And apparently, that very close friendship even outlasted Dick and Kory being a thing on this show. Which ended abruptly between seasons because it feels like DC told them to do it more than anything.

I can't say why they didn't just make them romantically linked, especially given that they were becoming canon everywhere else. Perhaps the creative team wanted to show a sorely needed platonic boy-girl friendship uncomplicated by romance. Let's be honest, those are in low supply these days. However, the fact remains they kept them close and, from everything I've read and heard, they are adorable together. So even if they aren't romantic on the show they have been part of why it succeeded so much as one of its more stand-out elements among fans.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that projects that didn't make Raven and Beast Boy close friends at the very least failed more or less. The Reboot of Young Justice didn't even have Raven in it and Beast Boy was dating some princess for a while. That show never retained enough interest in fans and was canceled, again. The Teen Titans animated movies in the New 52 Verse that came out on Blu-Ray and DVD? They tried hooking Raven up with Damian Wayne and they only got together when they basically killed off the whole Animated New 52-Verse completely. Now, in the comics, Damian is dating some skeleton-make-up chick who literally stole his heart from his chest. He got better. The point is he's nowhere near to dating Raven in the comics who is depicted as much older than him by now. There is no push for them to be together. The RobinRaven ship has completely sunk to the bottom at this point.

Hell, Terra didn't even get together with Beast Boy in Young Justice's reboot, and they were doing the whole "Judas Contract" thing with her there too! How do you do "Judas Contract" without Beast Boy getting his heart ripped out by the betrayal of Terra? It's insanity!

The point is... no romance for these two sticks unless they're with each other! DC has all but given up on trying to do anything else. The collective voice of fans, inside and outside of the industry, has made it clear who their OTP is. Maybe it started off in the comics as a lark, and maybe the cartoon never was serious about it, but it doesn't matter in either case! At this point the ship is just synonymous with the Titans, maybe more so than even RobStar. DC has seemingly retired that romantic pairing from service despite the clear equally as huge love for it because they want to consolidate Dick's relationships within the Batfamily. Meaning he has to be with Barabara Gordon. Starfire can never be a part of the Batfamily in their eyes, so she can't be with Dick.

But Garfield and Raven? They have no other ties but the Titans, so here is where they remain, forever together, as their saying goes. Why bother trying to do anything else with them when it's very clear that it's the only romance the fans will ever accept? I mean you could try bringing Terra back as NOT completely evil, but why? It's like resurrecting Gwen Stacey to be with Peter again, it's the most boring choice you could make and everyone has moved on to either the Red Head or Sexy Cat Thief. There are a few who like the Blonde Fighter Ace with the power of the Sun at her fingertips, but I digress. Gushing over Carol Danvers is for another post and we're getting off-topic.

The point is, you don't break up Sue and Reed Richards to stick Sue with Namor, and Beast Boy and Raven are in a far healthier relationship than that marriage will ever be. Why ruin a good thing for something that was never meant to last in either the comics or the cartoon? Raven has been with Garfield longer than Terra EVER was, especially in this new continuity which, thanks to some more events, is basically the old continuity kinda sorta not really. There's no practical reason to break them up at this point when they've proven their longevity.

Reflection

I have to admit, I was cynical for a good portion of this stuff. I was barely paying attention to "The New 52" so a lot of the stuff I pointed out in it went unnoticed. Look it was a bad reboot, you can't completely blame me. But looking back on it all, it was clear that more and more people in the industry saw the same thing fans did. It took time for them to figure it out, plus one misstep with a Kid Flash variant that made no sense and was over with that run, but there it is. Plain to see for everyone, the heart and soul of the Titans is the fact they are family, they love each other and that love is best exemplified by Beast Boy and Raven. So much so it's the cornerstone of the upcoming Titans comic... where they've been living together for a good while now!

They're clearly banging... there's no way they aren't. I'm not sure if he's turning into a horse for it, but they're doing it. There's no room for denial here!

The creative team for the series has even stated the run revolves around this romance, and that there are big plans involving it. Excited to explore their dynamic, calling their relationship the core of the Titans as a team and a book.

It's self-evident now, this is the romance that defines this series. This is a ship reaching Evergreen Tier, on the same scale as Gambit and Rogue or Lois and Clark. You can ship Raven and Beast Boy with anyone else all you want, but it doesn't change what DC Comics has decided is the default... and this is it.

None of this is to gloat though, this hasn't been an attempt to declare victory, although it's hard not to. This is the win, but that's not nearly as important as everything else. This is the culmination of a lot of things, both as a fan and personally. It was through Beast Boy and Raven that I forged friendships with people I wouldn't trade for anything, even if they weren't canon. I've come to know so many wonderful amazing people. People who have been there for me in my bad times and laughed with me in the good, who have helped me grow immensely. And it was because of these two that I found them.

So seeing this, all of this, and taking it into account... really looking at it, it's more than the memory of a goth girl and a class clown with superpowers. It's a huge chunk of my life that, isn't just validated but... immensely emotionally impactful. I would not be the person I am today without BBRae, that's true regardless of how canon it is.

It's true what Beast Boy said, sometimes you can get everything you want. But I'm not talking about a ship, I'm talking about a family of friends, who are irreplaceable in your life. And in so many ways, that's what the Titans have always been, a family of true friends, in both the best and worst ways, but there's no denying that the best of that is Beast Boy and Raven. The truest expression of what the Titans mean to me and so many others. I won so much more than a ship, I won people who care. And that's worth more than anything in my eyes.

So thank you, Beast Boy and Raven, thank you for everything. I look forward to your future together. An evergreen horizon evermore. It was a long road, it was bumpy, it was heartbreaking at times, and even more than a little fraught with drama, but it was an amazing ride. And I can't wait to see what's around the corner next.

[phoenix-downer]

Just This Once (for Vash/Meryl Week 2023)

~2340 words. Vash/Meryl. Set post season 1 of Trigun Stampede, but draws elements from Trimax as well as the 1998 anime to inform some worldbuilding elements and Vash's motivations. Scars, Light Blood, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Fluff, Mutual Pining. For VashMeryl Week 2023 Day 1: Indirect Kiss.

Summary: Vash patches himself up after a fight and Meryl offers to help. In spite of vowing to never become romantically involved with anyone, he finds himself drawn to her all the same.

Just This Once

Vash was used to people acting like his body was a scientific curiosity, a freakshow, or something to be pitied thanks to all the scars. It was why he covered up and hid that he was an Independent whenever possible.

The stares, the looks of horror, the repulsion, the lack of understanding…he’d seen it all and then some. To the people of this planet, his body did things it wasn’t “supposed” to do, which made them freak out and reject him more often than not. And sticking to his way of life came at a cost. His face might look like he hadn’t aged a bit, but his body was a testament to the years he’d spent on Noman’s Land.

Yeah, he could heal himself like Nai did, but it didn’t feel right. It would be like forgetting all the things that had led to those injuries, those scars. And healing himself would drain his life when he’d rather use his abilities to help others.

He sighed and carefully dug the latest addition to his body out of his side: a bullet from yet another scared person who’d fired his gun prematurely. Rem thought he and Nai were angels sent by God to help humanity. Going by that copy of the Bible Nai had found in the ship, Vash guessed it wasn’t surprising that people tended to freak out when they saw him and Nai. Angels sure seemed like terrifying beings with way more wings than what humans were comfortable with.

He set the bloody bullet on the banged-up bedside table next to him and reached for the bandages he kept in his gear. He’d gotten used to patching himself up the old-fashioned way, and the process was rote and mechanical at this point.

But then his routine was interrupted by a knock on the dingy hotel room door. He hesitated. It was probably a friend because an enemy would’ve just barged in.

“Who is it?” he asked, just to be safe.

“Vash? Are you alright?”

Meryl. What was it about her that wormed its way beneath his defenses? Was it her dogged pursuit of the truth? Her determination to do the right thing, even when it cost her? How she hadn’t judged him when she’d stumbled upon him using his powers, just given him a look of awe and wonder when so many people would’ve stared at him in fear and revulsion and hatred?

Or was it because she’d rescued him back in July? He’d heard her voice calling out to him, and it had pulled him out of Nai’s illusion and snapped him back to his senses. Something about that, something about how weak and powerless she was in comparison to him and Nai and even Doctor Conrad, and yet had been the bravest of them all, staying and fighting for him every way she could despite the risk to her own life—

No. He’d vowed to himself years and years ago to never get involved in any romantic entanglements. That would only end in heartbreak, for him and for her.

“I’m fine,” he replied. “Just patching myself up after that fight earlier.”

“Can I come in?”

He hesitated. He didn’t want her to see him like this, but it would be nice to have someone help with stitching up the wound. He was such a baby about that kind of thing still, and it hurt like hell to do it himself. He’d done it countless times because he had to, but if Meryl was offering…

Plus, maybe this would get her to give up on trying for a romantic relationship with him. No woman would want to be with a freak like him. Seeing his body would repulse Meryl and keep her away. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about breaking her heart.

“Yeah,” he finally said, “but I have to warn you, it’s not a pretty sight—”

The door opened, and Meryl was standing there, wearing a tanktop and sweatpants, her hair damp. Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open as she took in his scar-riddled torso. The telltale look of horror and revulsion was written all over her face.

Vash chuckled darkly. This was working out exactly as he wanted it to. He would be an object of pity and loathing to Meryl now, but not of attraction or worse, love. “See? What did I tell you?”

She clasped a hand over her mouth, her eyes shimmering with tears. “Oh Vash…I had no idea…”

“Sticking to my ideals comes at a cost,” he said, wincing as he pressed the bandage against the bloody wound.

She rushed over, the door slamming behind her. “Here, let me help,” she said as she sat on the bed next to him, her gentle hands taking over. He tried to ignore how nice it felt when her fingers brushed against his, how good and healing her touch was on his injured side as she carefully cleaned the wound.

“How’d you get so good at this? Were you a doctor in another life?” he asked, half joking, half serious. If he could act like this was just her being good at patching people up in general and had nothing to do with him, then he could pretend his reaction to her had nothing to do with her.

If he couldn’t fool himself, he could at least try to fool her.

“My father’s a doctor, actually,” was Meryl’s reply. She reached for the needle and thread he’d set out. “I always kind of blew him off when he tried to get me to learn more than just basic first aid because I wanted to be a reporter instead, but after July…well, I took his advice a lot more seriously.”

Her lips pulled into a taut line and her eyes were hard. Vash’s heart felt heavy. She still blamed herself for Roberto’s death, didn’t she?

“And your mom?” Vash asked, trying to get her mind off of that.

“She’s my hometown’s schoolteacher…and sheriff.” Meryl carefully threaded the needle and examined his wound as if she were calculating how much thread would be needed to stitch him up.

“So that’s why you’re so tough.” Vash regretted the words as soon as he said them. He was supposed to push her away, not flirt with her.

Meryl chuckled. “Hardly. I was so sheltered, so naive. My family’s status protected me and my town was peaceful. I knew how to shoot a gun and how to handle basic first aid, sure, my parents made sure of that. But I never really had to use those skills until I became a reporter.”

“You don’t have to live like this, you know. You could go back home and live out your days peacefully with your family.” It was an option Vash didn’t have so long as Nai was alive, and he envied Meryl for it.

“What kind of person would I be if I knew what was happening on this planet and did nothing about it?” she said. She smiled ruefully. “I know I’m small and weak compared to the people you’re up against, but I can’t just stand by and do nothing. It wouldn’t be right.”

Vash just stared at her. She said she was small and weak, and yet she had more courage and inner strength in a single moment than most people do in an entire lifetime. Rescuing him back in July was proof enough of that.

“Hold still, this is going to hurt,” she said, and he braced himself. A moment later the needle pierced his skin, and he winced and bit his lip, clutching the old faded blanket on the bed.

Meryl worked quickly and methodically, sewing together the torn skin as if she were simply repairing a ripped jacket or mending a hole in a pair of pants. The blood and the scars all over his body hardly seemed to faze her now. When she was done, she carefully wrapped fresh bandages around the wound. He avoided her eyes because he was worried she’d see just how vulnerable this was making him feel. Touched and taken care of instead of shot at and slapped, punched and pierced, hated and harassed.

She was getting under his skin more than he cared to admit. Was he that starved for love and physical affection?

“If you’d like…I can come in tomorrow morning to put on fresh bandages,” she said softly, her hand lingering on his chest. “I know it’s tricky to change out bandages like these by yourself. Plus I want to make sure the wound doesn’t get infected as it heals.”

What should he say? No? But then who else would do it? Wolfwood’s body did that quick healing thing thanks to his experimentation, so Vash wasn’t sure if he knew how to help patch someone up the normal way, and Milly he didn’t feel comfortable enough around yet to ask for this kind of thing. She was a nice girl, sure, but—

I want it to be Meryl, don’t I? The insight cut through his meandering thoughts like a bullet grazing past his head. This was going down a dangerous path, but a part of him was tempted to say forget it all. Forget it all and let me have just a few decades with someone who cares about me and who I…who I…

“Thank you Meryl, that would be nice,” he said. Meryl was just one person in a long line of people he cared about. That was all. And saying no would hurt her feelings and leave him with the issue of “who else can I ask to do this.”

Still, he couldn’t let her get too close. Nai already despised her in a way that made Vash fear for her life. Despised her the way he despised Rem and Luida for “taking my brother away from me.” So he had to keep her at arm’s length. He had to.

Meryl smiled.

He didn’t want to.

She ducked her head, her cheeks flushing as she tucked a strand of damp hair behind her ear. “Vash, if you don’t mind, there’s one more thing I’d like to do before I go back to my room.”

“What’s that?” he asked, the possibilities raging through his mind right now not at all things he should be saying out loud.

“Oh, just a silly little thing humans do to make an injury feel better. I can’t say it does anything from a medical standpoint, unless we’re counting placebo effects of course, but it’s good for the heart.”

“Oh, um, sure—”

She leaned close and gently kissed the bandages covering the wound. He froze. Sure, it was an indirect kiss because she’d kissed the bandages instead of his actual skin, but still. She’d kissed him. Meryl had looked at his body, horrible and grotesque and littered with scars and old wounds, and thought it deserved to be kissed. And even though her kiss was chaste and sweet, it still felt pretty damn good.

Shit. This was bad. This was really, really bad. He was gonna fall for her at this rate. No, that was a lie. He already had. He had fallen for her ages ago and had just been deceiving himself about it ever since.

And what was worse was that she had feelings for him too. How was he supposed to keep her safe now? She wasn’t gonna leave on her own, and he didn’t want to break her heart to get her to leave. But if Nai suspected just how deep his feelings for her ran, if Nai ever found out—

Meryl leaned back. “There, to make it feel better,” she said softly. She smiled at him again, then stood and carefully cleaned up the supplies they’d used to patch him up.

He was silent. She had no idea how much better he felt. Better and worse at the same time. He couldn’t enjoy what had happened this evening because the fear that Nai would hurt her was always there, lurking at the back of his mind. The fear he would outlive her screamed at him not to get involved. But he already was involved. There was no putting that cat back in the bag, and tonight made that very clear.

“Goodnight, Vash,” Meryl said at last. She was at the door now with her hand on the handle, and she seemed a little wistful.

“Goodnight, Meryl.” He could manage that, at least.

Silence settled over the room for a few moments, then at last she said, “I know you’re probably self-conscious about how you look, but I don’t think you should be. Those scars just show the lengths you’ve gone to save people. They’re nothing to be ashamed of.”

So his plan had backfired on him harder than he could’ve ever imagined. Meryl, instead of being repulsed by him, was more drawn to him than ever. He was more drawn to her too. She accepted him as he was instead of treating him like he was some repulsive monster. It was hard not to be drawn to someone like that after everything he’d been through.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said at last, allowing himself a small smile. “Thank you.”

She returned the smile, and with that, she was gone.

Vash leaned back against the bed and sighed. He was both relieved he was alone and wished she’d stayed. What a mess. He wasn’t sure how he was gonna get himself out of this one.

Well, he could worry about that tomorrow. For one night at least he’d let himself enjoy whatever it was that was happening between him and Meryl. The plotting and scheming about how best to keep his distance and protect her could come in the morning. Right now he was injured and vulnerable and just for tonight, just this once, he wanted to enjoy a little comfort from someone who loved and accepted him as he was.

Would that really be so wrong?

[hermanoga]

How precious is it to be with trustworthy partners...

...in our life.

I know that anyone with basic media literacy will know. The ardency is his tone, the cinematography - and also what he says. He is not even talking about basketball at all. He could have said 'How precious is it to be with trustworthy partners...in the basketball team', but his choice to deliberately replace that with 'our life' is something that should not be ignored. If Cheng Xiaoshi were an AFAB person, people would have been shipping them as romantic couples without an inch of doubt. Link Click is not your typical shounen anime with action scenes for adrenaline rush, it's a Chinese donghua and in the heart of link click lies human suffering, human bondings and human emotions. It is a very queer and feminist show.

I don't think I need to give 'proof' of lu guang being queer. I have the link of this interesting thread on twitter titled " Why is denying shiguang to be implied homophobic" (I love it), pasting it below

I want to share a few theories of my own in this regard.

First, how Cheng Xiaoshi's queerness is beautifully portrayed through his diving experiences.

I would argue that even without taking into account his relationship with lu guang, Cheng Xiaoshi is queer. Here is how :

During my first watch, I was very tense about the plot for obvious reasons and didn't dive deeper. One day it suddenly struck me that Cheng Xiaoshi, the empath, is literally inhabiting the bodies of the clients. I know he has done it multiple times before, but every time he inhabits the bodies of female clients, he is surprisingly perceptive. Is it just some sci-fi element to make the plot more interesting? Not really, I think. There is no discordance between his masculinity and the acquired femininity. He seems to be like those dudebros who like playing mobile games all the time, but when it comes to feeling emotions... I feel that is not just healthy masculinity. He is by far the only character who has also experienced violence against women so closely; Emma's discomfort at her boss's attempted harassment, Xu Shanshan's vulnerability of being the victim of stalking and potential murder, Li Tianxi's helplessness while witnessing domestic violence, Emma's helplessness while being strangled by that psycho - he experiences the quintessential female experiences in patriarchal society from such closeness that men typically cannot. His consciousness seems to float in this beautiful liminality, and his reactions to various events tend to be more on the feminine side.

I have another theory...hold on *rummages through the magic bag of theories*...yeah, got it! Here you go~

I think, contrary to popular opinion, Cheng Xiaoshi is not oblivious at all and probably he was the first one to fall in love in the first timeline (before all the mayhem started). I will refer to the basketball confession scene again. It feels like their first meeting but also very suspicious. Lu Guang seems to have no clue but Cheng Xiaoshi, right after saying 'hey new boy, will you join our team?' passes a loaded line like that. So many new theories threaten to erupt; was it Cheng Xiaoshi who saved Lu Guang in a previous timeline? who knows. Lu Guang might be a genius manipulator of timelines but I would also say to Cheng Xiaoshi that "you ain't just a tool".

I know that Cheng Xiaoshi kept his head cool and all after being aware of Lu Guang's (fake) death but would he be able to contain that same resolution if he witnessed lu guang's dead body for real? mhmm...

[hiddengenshinfan]

“Can You Really Be Her….?”

A Neuvifuri Fanfic (Can be seen as either platonic or romantic) with a Drabble of other characters primarily Fontaine Characters through!

That is the only warning you’re getting before this starts also heavy implication of major character death. Aw hope I’m not forgetting anything else sorry first time doing this.

Sum - The Former Hydro Archon has been missing for months. Everybody is asking questions and Neuvillette invites the Traveller to a mansion that seemed to just appear, and the Traveller makes a deal to keep secrets….

Prologue - ‘That Was A Stupid Deal’

The silence was thick enough that even Lumine’s sword skills wouldn’t be able to slash it even if she infused every element she had. The older man’s eyes kept on glancing at the bed where that…….thing was hardly making eye contact with the woman sitting right across from him. Honestly Lumine regretted absolutely everything and wished she was not down here at all, why did she go against her own gut feeling. Now she was just looking at someone who would never wake up, and a person so desperate for that very person to wake up once again. It was a truly depressing scene, in her opinion at least.

Clorinde was right this was dumb, the indux has certainly guaranteed a celestial nail targeting him now if that thing did wake up. Luckily that didn’t seem to be happening but whenever she looked over to the hydro dragon she felt a new sting of guilt deep inside her soul. She was literally hoping for him to fail at bringing a person who was by his side for 500 years back. She honestly felt like a complete and total asshole, since she also argeed to this. But the regrets were overflowing hardly anyone could know and it’s hard to keep a secret like this from Paimon without having to drop her off somewhere, and sadly Navia was kind enough to take her. Which became a common enough occurrence, for Navia to have pre-prepared macaroons before she had even told her to watch Paimon.

Through seeing Navia always made her uneasy, she knew she was being investigated, questioned whenever she stayed for more then a few minutes and followed when she left Poisson. Spina Di Rosa was investigating her Lumine was sure of that she didn’t have the will to confront Navia about that. Because she understood why she was suspicious she had been since she had become pretty much one of the only people Clorinde and Neuvillette talked to voluntarily after……what happened. Navia and Clorinde’s relationship had once again hit the rocks but for different reasons, now Navia was sure at least in Lumine’s mind that Clorinde knew way more then she had let on. Navia wouldn’t let those secrets slide especially if it had anything to do with that missing case.

A missing person’s case that shook and effected Fontaine to this very day even months after the fact. Of course Navia would wish to investigate it in her slightly less than legal way, to give an answer to the waiting Fontainains so desperate for a statement. But if the hydro dragon and champion duelist had it there way no statement would be made until long after there both dead, Lumine knew that which is why she argeed to help Neuvillette with this thing she had no hope for in the slightest. Because in exchange he’d finally tell the truth to Fontaine about where and what happened to their former archon Furina De Fontaine, but only if it utterly and completely failed.

Through deep in her heart she hoped it succeeded just to fuck with Celestia, as well as because……she regretted not spending more time with Furina when she could or at least felt guilty with most of it being very forced and Paimon’s mean comments when they had spent time with her. She wasn’t even in the nation when the tempest started that caused so much destruction, that matched how the life of a former god was destroyed and withered. She never asked for anymore details the damage to Fontaine or anything, the memories hurt both Clorinde and Neuvillette and that was apparent. She didn’t even let Paimon hear what happened and Paimon actually didn’t question it, the little thing was always curious and loud but when the traveler told her she would not like to talk about it. Paimon accepted it and never asked about it again, she was actually sorta convinced at this point that Paimon had entirely forgotten that such a discussion toke place at all, or maybe just once Paimon knew when to keep her mouth shut.

But still the….thing did not move, she felt like saying what it actually was even within her own mind was exceedingly cruel. It had been weeks since she had argeed to help the hydro dragon with this attempt at…..necromancy? Was that the right word? Lumine had no clue and really didn’t care, he was trying to bring the dead back to life with the use of the primordial sea, that’s what mattered. Honestly if it wasn’t for Neuvillette being the Hydro Sovereign she would have probably laughed in his face at just the idea. But she was almost sure it was possible in at least some way, she just wasn’t sure if she liked this fundamentally. Even through her own experiences in other worlds trying to change the flow of nature always resulted in terrible things for either the thing that was being messed with or the person messing with it. She just hoped that if this did bite the hydro sovereign eventually that he could finally recover from all this clear pain and move on.

But then a rather startling sound rang in her ears……it sounded like a gasp?! She looked at Neuvillette and Neuvillette stared back for a second. Most times he always had the same hard to read expression that just screamed somber if you looked at it too long and knew him well. But this time his eyes lit up very awake and alert, he got up first then she of course followed shooting up from her seat and looking towards the ‘thing’.

….It was laying upright not sleeping anymore…..it was alive and moving? How could something that was still for archons know how long just shoot up and gasp for air! She had many experiences in her travels but not this!? She was still as a statue when she finally heard Neuvillette’s voice. “…..Lady Furina?” He spoke so calmly and softly towards the creature. The creature’s pose was like she was reaching out for something while gasping for air like her lungs couldn’t get enough of the sweet intake of anemo. Her eyes darted around and her arm slowly rested to her side limply through her body was sat upwards now her head slightly leaned forward for a second Lumine assumed the creature was trying to wrap themselves into a ball. But she hardly moved with the only movement being her chest rising and falling and the sound of her rather loud breathes. Then she noticed where ‘Furina’ was looking it was distantly looking at Neuvillette but doing so without moving the only thing she had seen the creature actually move was her eyes and her torso wit her arms earlier and when her head fell forward slightly.

The Hydro Dragon slowly went towards the creature his normal very impartial look on his face shifting to something a lot softer but still hard to figure out or name. Lumine stared at the slightly tilted down face of the creature, the creature was moving its mouth but nothing could be audibly heard? Something was wrong…clearly the fact the thing was moving was wrong fundamentally wrong but there was something else. She pondered for a second her thoughts landing on a young looking girl with a braid, the zombie Qiqi. She always stretched because her body got stiff easily due to her being a sorta walking corpse….maybe due to the creature’s long time not performing any basic human function, her body had to get readjusted like a person who went through physical trauma and needed physical therapy? It was only a guess however she could have been wrong.

Then something cracked, she heard an audible crack then the once awake creature was put back to sleep. Neuvillette was beside the creature now if she had to guess he knocked her out, and she walked over to the bedside of the creature who now breathed normally finally. “….What happened if I may ask?” She said genuinely unsure what to say everything that had just happened toke only minutes it was extreme whiplash for Lumine. She looked over at the dragon’s face which finally had a clear expression one of pity, his hand swept the creature’s bangs off of its face slightly.

“I believe I have made a major error of judgment.” Oh….oh you think that after the thing wakes up?! Lumine screamed in her own thoughts but simply gave a sheepish told you so smile, with a glare aimed at her from the hydro dragon seemingly signaling that is not what he meant. “I am rather glad that Furina has shown signs of life…..however I believe I overdid it.” “Overdid what?” She sheepishly asked she felt like a sovereign saying that meant absolutely no good news heck even if a archon said it she’d be jumping for cover. “I believe I infused too much of the primordial sea within Lady Furina.” The blunt way he said it made her even more anxious. What did that even mean how can you infuse too much! What would that do what did that mean! All of questions were trying to crawl to her mouth but before she could ask even one Neuvillette once again spoke. “I mean to say in the nicest way possible that I made a mistake and that I’m doing the exact opposite of what Focalars predecessor did.” He let that linger in the air slightly. WHAT DID THAT EVEN MEAN?! Lumine’s mind was racing Furina’s predecessor simply turned oceanaids into humans incomplete humans but…..wait does that mean..? “Please Neuvillette tell me you didn’t somehow make Furina a primordial oceanaid.” The silence was so thick that even the mighty Raiden Shogun’s slashes would not cut through it.

He slowly nodded a slight look of shame but not enough for Lumine. She wanted to scream she wanted to be 1000 meters from whatever this was. Why did she come back to Fontaine she really shouldn’t have! She regretted everything…….but there was a lingering curiosity. This was something unlike anything she ever experienced with her brother in there journeys, I mean Aether said he was waiting. He can wait a bit more like this is really interesting. Also she wanted to see it through to the end and make sure the very sad dragon didn’t somehow get himself killed or overthrown by the people of Fontaine.

Guess she’s going to be staying in Fontaine for a while…hope Aether doesn’t get impatient.

(Honestly I’m cooking, let me cook please I promise you’ll understand everything more later this will be a series, so if you have questions wait just wait let me cook.)

[tumbleweed-palmer]

jimmy x reader (timeline around when abby was still in the show) reader finds out she's pregnant after her and jimmy struggling for almost a year, she waits until shes 12 weeks and certain they are safe and she reveals it to jimmy and then they tell the team!

Some content warning: mentions of past miscarriage and pregnancy related things.

I got a tiny bit angsty, so this may be more emotional hurt/comfort I hope it's everything you wanted anon.

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Stronger Together

If anyone asked Y/N what she considered the most important element in a relationship to be, she would most likely answer trust. If you didn’t have trust you didn’t have anything. Once trust was broken you could try your hardest to put it back together, but you would always see the cracks.

When trust was broken in a relationship, the relationship itself was broken. 

She hadn’t always been fortunate enough to have trust in past relationships. More often than not she’d had her trust in her romantic partners shattered. Needless to say these experiences had taught her to appreciate the importance of trust.

If anyone were to ask her who she trusted the most in this world, she would easily answer without hesitation that the person she trusted above all was James “Jimmy” Palmer.

Jimmy Palmer was her soulmate. She had a deep sense of trust in him and he had a deep sense of trust in her.

She could say without any hesitation that there were no secrets between them. They had a tendency to tell one another everything.  

Jimmy liked to joke that it was a part of their wedding vows, the promise to tell one another everything. He wasn’t being serious of course.

Being so open with one another was just an understanding they’d always had.

Trust was just as meaningful to Jimmy as it was to Y/N. He’d had his trust broken before and it hurt. Jimmy had gone through a fair bit of having his trust broken in a previous relationship prior to meeting Y/N. He had openly admitted to Y/N that he couldn’t tolerate secrets and dishonesty especially in a relationship. 

That was why these past seven weeks had been so difficult.

She’d carried around a constant immense sense of guilt these past seven weeks. She’d been keeping such a huge secret and telling the occasional white lie to hide her secret.

She had wanted to admit the truth and say the words a million times now, but fear and anxiety kept a tight grip on her tongue. A voice in the back of her brain insisted that it was just too risky to tell him just yet.

She could distinctly remember the day she’d come to the realization that she had no choice but to keep a secret from her husband.

Y/N felt her stomach churn as she stared down at her watch before staring up at the analog clock on the wall in the lab and then down at the timer she’d set on her cell phone.

This was the longest ten minutes of her life. Though if she wanted to be technical about it, this was technically going to take longer than ten minutes. It was just ten minutes at the most for each test. There was more than one test which meant that not every test was set to show results at exactly ten minutes on the dot. 

She couldn’t keep it to just one single test. She needed to have a wide range of results from multiple tests. She was a scientist through and through and had purchased multiple tests for the best comparison in her results. 

Taking the tests had been more complicated than she’d assumed it would be. She knew that she must have looked absolutely out of her mind squatting over the toilet in the women’s room across from the lab holding multiple pregnancy tests in her hands attempting to shuffle them as she did all she could to to pee on one test after the other all in one go. 

Any reasonable person would have waited to tackle this venture in the security of their own home.

She knew she didn’t have much of a choice though, but to take care of this at work.

She was quite certain her husband would take notice if she disappeared in the bathroom for quite a while with a jug of water and a plastic shopping bag from the local pharmacy.

So, she’d taken a more secretive option. She’d waited until Abby took her lunch break before she’d slipped into the bathroom with a bag full of pregnancy tests discreetly hidden in her purse after she’d chugged the biggest bottle of juice she could find in the vending machine.

She’d taken care of business in the bathroom before slipping back into the lab heading to the area where Abby and she kept their desks knowing that it would offer a little privacy in case anyone happened to wander into the lab.

She had a feeling that no one would interrupt her in the lab. It was a remarkably slow day. So there was little chance of anyone wandering into the lab.

She just hoped that it wasn’t as slow in Autopsy as it was in the lab. 

The last thing she needed was her husband walking in on this.

She couldn’t help but to feel guilty for being so secretive about this. It was just that she couldn’t take putting the man she loved through the disappointment of what would most likely turn out to be yet another negative pregnancy test.  

She tried to tell herself that she wasn’t being secretive. If anything she was doing this out of love. She was trying to protect her husband from yet another crushing letdown.

There had been so many pregnancy tests over the past year. There had been so many disappointments and crushed senses of hope as they’d endured negative test after negative test.

They’d falsely believed that this would be so easy. Each negative pregnancy test proved though that this was much more difficult than they’d ever considered.

It had been one year now, one long year of trying and failing to start their family.

With as much time as they’d devoted to trying to get pregnant, Y/N was almost surprised that sex hadn’t begun to feel like a chore. After all, when one spent so much time having sex for the explicit purpose of conceiving a child, it seemed as though it would be quite easy for intimacy to feel less like an act of love and more like a job.

Jimmy had always done all he could to consistently remind her that focusing too hard on the end result they were hoping for would most likely place too much pressure on themselves and lessen their chances of conceiving. After all, if they were both stressed and so hyper focused on getting pregnant it would most likely make intimacy less of an enjoyable act and more of a means to an end. 

He’d tried so hard to keep things light and playful during their intimate moments. He’d tried hard to keep her in the moment and not so focused on what they were trying to achieve.

She would be lying though if she tried to pretend that their sex lives hadn’t become a little over technical at times. They’d tried a few unconventional things that they’d read just might increase their odds of conceiving. Though they’d doubted the validity of some of these things, they’d begun to get desperate in these past few months.

They’d tried propping her hips up on a pillow and holding her legs up after sex hoping that gravity would do its job.

They’d tried a few positions that they had read might help them conceive as it might help them achieve deeper penetration. Though they’d definitely read that there was little evidence to support that certain positions increased the odds of conceiving.  

They’d taken so many ovulation tests, She was almost sure they should purchase stock in the companies that manufactured the things. 

They’d scheduled sex around her ovulation cycle though that hadn’t always been easy with their schedules. They’d tried so hard to make sure that they didn’t miss out on taking advantage of her most fertile days even if they were only able to manage sleepy half paced sex after a long day at work. 

They’d reduced their caffeine intake and tried to eat as healthily as possible.

They’d tried so hard to keep their stress levels down, though it wasn’t easy in either of their careers.

Jimmy had even maybe awkwardly tried to casually ask Dr. Mallard if during any of his extensive medical training he’d possibly read any studies on increasing odds of conception…it was a conversation that Jimmy was sure he’d add to his top ten most awkward social interactions of all time. After all there wasn’t a way one could approach the question without it being clear that the question wasn’t purely for advancement of Jimmy’s medical knowledge. Especially considering their careers focused on the end of life and not the creation of life.

Needless to say despite their best efforts to conceive Jimmy and Y/N had fallen into a cycle of trying so hard to conceive, getting their hopes up, and having their hopes crushed.

Y/N was beginning to feel despondent over the entire process.

She was frustrated by her body’s lack of cooperation. 

She wanted to have a baby with Jimmy Palmer so badly she couldn’t stand it, but her body just wouldn’t seem to get with the program.

She had no doubt that Jimmy at times was equally as frustrated with his body’s lack of cooperation. However, he was so focused on trying to be the eternal optimist that he tried to hide his frustration.

It was something she both adored and hated about him. He was optimistic and so positive, but at times that positivity didn’t feel as comforting as he seemed to intend. It felt like he was burying his head in the sand and ignoring the cold hard truth that they were no closer to getting pregnant than they’d been when they’d started this venture 12 months before.

Y/N of course felt guilty for being so frustrated with his optimism. 

She loved him so much. It had been love at first sight.

She’d been hired by Abby to work as her assistant, a job she’d been told she should feel blessed to have given Abby’s past resistance to any assistance in the lab.

Y/N had been introduced to Jimmy within her first week at NCIS and she’d been unable to deny that he was incredibly cute and sweet too. He had sort of a bashful nerdy charm to him. She’d liked him more than she wanted to admit, and of course she’d felt foolish for developing a schoolgirl crush on him.

She’d hoped that the crush would fade, but it had only grown as the months had gone by. She’d tried so hard to focus on keeping any romantic feelings at bay, but it wasn’t easy. She had discovered so many things to like about Jimmy Palmer. Jimmy was funny, sweet, intelligent, empathetic, braver than anyone gave him credit for, and passionate about his job. 

It was hard to deny that her feelings for him went far beyond just coworkers who were developing a budding friendship. Of course neither had wanted to admit that their friendship often at times bordered on being quite flirty.

Abby had pointed out that Jimmy seemed sweet on Y/N numerous times, but Y/N had always laughed the claims off, unable to believe that a catch like Jimmy Palmer was even interested. She never had luck with guys. She never attracted guys who were equally attractive, kind, and intelligent. She’d joked she only ever got two out of the three but never the total package.

A night out with the rest of the NCIS crew had changed everything. A guy had gotten too handsy with Y/N obviously making her uncomfortable. Though she’d humored the guy at first and even allowed him to buy her a drink and attempt to show her how to play darts. She’d quickly grown tired of his attentions as they’d begun to become less flirty and more aggressive.

Jimmy had taken her by surprise as he’d come to her rescue. She’d been unaware that he’d maybe been keeping an eye on her the entire night trying to pretend that he wasn’t jealous that some guy was showing her attention. When it had become obvious that she wasn’t comfortable he couldn’t stand by and watch any longer. 

Though most people would believe that Jimmy wasn't the most intimidating guy on the planet, he’d managed to hold his own and use his height to his advantage.

Jimmy had taken Y/N outside to get some fresh air after the entire ordeal and it had brought up an awkward conversation where a few confessions had been made between the two.

She could still remember what Jimmy had said when he’d spilled the beans about his apparent romantic feelings towards her.

“I know you can defend yourself, but I couldn’t stand by and watch someone disrespect you like that.”

He’d paused the words coming out before he could stop them. “To be honest even if the guy had been respectful, I don’t really think I could stand by all night and watch him hit on you without it feeling awful…I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe I want to be the guy who buys you drinks and plays darts with you…I wouldn’t be opposed to taking you to dinner too.”

He’d spoken again of course after the words had left him repeatedly apologizing claiming he felt like he was taking advantage of a moment when she might be feeling vulnerable and insisting he didn’t intend to make a move on her at a totally inappropriate time. He just tended to speak before thinking sometimes.

She had shut him up with a kiss to the lips and a reassurance that he was being far from inappropriate given she wasn’t quite sure she could stand by and watch some girl hit on him.

That night had led to a first date the following night and a relationship. The relationship had led to a proposal from Jimmy, a small intimate wedding ceremony, and a happy marriage.

They were ready to start a family, but it seemed that it was easier said than done.

Y/N sighed as her cell phone timer finally went off for the final time signaling that the final pregnancy test was ready to view.

She stared down at the tests anticipating another let down.

She felt the breath leave her body as she found herself not staring down at the usual selection of negative test results.

She reached down with shaking hands reading the instructions over and over again comparing them to the tests the realization of what she was looking at soaking in.

Positive, the tests were positive. She was pregnant.

She felt the tears meet her eyes at the realization that they’d done it. They’d finally done it.

As soon as the joy hit the fear had begun to creep in.

A big part of the frustration Jimmy and Y/N felt from their lack of success conceiving had been fueled by an event that they’d endured not long after they’d returned from their honeymoon.

This wasn’t their first positive pregnancy test. Not long after they’d come home from their honeymoon Y/N had a late period and they’d taken a pregnancy test not expecting much. It had been positive.

They’d been ecstatic. They’d called everyone immediately after they’d gotten the confirmation that the test wasn’t a false positive. They’d told their families, their friends, and their coworkers. Abby had even teamed up with Ducky to throw them a congratulations party at work. 

As soon as the joy had set in, tragedy had followed.

Nothing could have prepared Y/N from waking up in the middle of the night with painful cramps and discovering that she was lying in a pool of her own blood.

The word had sounded so ugly when it had left the doctor’s mouth; miscarriage. 

It had felt like the world was closing in on her as she sat in the emergency room taking in the bad news. She could barely concentrate on the doctor’s reassurance that she was perfectly healthy and had done nothing wrong. She couldn’t find comfort in reassurance that this loss wouldn’t impact her ability to become pregnant again. She couldn’t focus on the explanation that the fetus was most likely nonviable and her body had spontaneously miscarried. Reassurances that this often happened to many women didn’t mean a thing to Y/N. 

All she could focus on was the horrifying realization that her baby was gone. 

She’d felt even worse as she’d turned her head to look at her husband. Jimmy looked as though someone had just told him the world was ending. He looked like he’d been punched in the gut. 

His eyes had met hers and the tears had come. 

She could still remember the words he’d murmured to her as he’d taken her in his arms and rocked her against him. He’d tried so hard to be strong for her even though he was hurting too “Oh my love, I know. I have you, I’m here. I know, just let it all out. I know. I’m so sorry.”

She’d only been able to cry against him the words so desperate. “Our baby is gone. It’s not fair. I wanted it.”

He’d stroked her back the words leaving him his voice cracking, he allowing himself to fall apart as well. “I wanted it too.”

Y/N felt an icy chill run down her spine at the memory. She stared down at the positive pregnancy tests, a realization hitting her.

It had taken them so long to feel ready to try for a baby again. They’d tried so hard to make this happen. What if she miscarried again? What if she got Jimmy’s hopes up that he was going to be a father only to take it away again? 

She couldn’t get Jimmy’s hopes up again. She couldn’t get everyone’s hopes up again. She wasn’t even sure she could manage to get her hopes up again. She couldn’t let everyone celebrate a new life when there was any chance that the life might be lost before they even got to bring it into the world.

She had to keep this to herself for now. She had to keep a secret from her husband.

It hadn’t been easy, keeping it to herself. She’d not told a soul no matter how badly she wanted to.

It was finally time to come clean though. These past seven weeks had passed. She was 12 weeks into her pregnancy and offically out of the danger zone.

She had to come clean and hope that everyone understood why she’d held it all in.

She tried to keep a brave face as she approached Autopsy, a gift bag clutched in her hand.

Jimmy’s lunch break was about to start and she knew she couldn’t wait until tonight to tell him. She’d waited long enough.

She tried to hide her anxiety hoping that Jimmy didn’t find anything amiss by her sudden visit to Autopsy.

She’d purposely avoided it lately due to nausea. Though to be honest the first trimester nausea was still hanging around. It wasn’t nearly as intense as it had been at least.

Hiding the symptoms of her pregnancy hadn’t been simple. Thankfully the first trimester had just been filled with exhaustion and the occasional bout of nausea. She had been able to convince everyone that she was just overworked and her immune system was probably struggling with the workload. No one had doubted or questioned her explanation.

She hadn’t brought up trying for a baby. Work had been pretty hectic lately. Jimmy and she made love but the discussion of conceiving hadn’t been brought up. Jimmy hadn’t questioned it thankfully. She was sure the guilt would have swallowed her whole if he had brought up conceiving not aware that they’d already succeeded. 

She’d even managed to have her first doctors appointment in secret writing it off as a normal gynecologist appointment when Jimmy had asked. It had been a guilt filled experience. 

She’d tried to silence her guilt telling herself that it was only one appointment and it had just been to confirm her pregnancy and reassure her that everything was normal and healthy. Jimmy would have plenty of appointments to attend with her for the remainder of this pregnancy.

She was relieved to find that there were no guests lying out on the autopsy tables as she entered the room.

Even if her nausea had lessened she wasn’t sure she could handle the gore at the moment.

Jimmy kissed her cheek thankfully not questioning her sudden appearance even if he did seem to be caught off guard by it.

“Ready for lunch?” She asked hoping that she didn’t sound as nervous as she felt.

“Yeah, I think I’m good to go. It’s actually been a pretty slow day. Dr. Mallard told me to take an early lunch break, but I wanted our lunches to sync up together.” Jimmy explained reaching into his scrubs pants pocket verifying that he did in fact have his wallet and his phone. 

He went to the coat rack Dr. Mallard kept in the corner of the room locating the laptop case he carried to work and finding his car keys.

Y/N let him take her hand in his thankful that he didn’t question the gift bag in her hand just yet.

They didn’t have to go far to get lunch given that there was a bistro not too far from NCIS headquarters. 

They did decide to get take out though knowing that the day was nice enough that they could most likely just sit outside of NCIS headquarters and take their time to enjoy lunch in the fresh air.

Y/N felt her throat grow tight as Jimmy finally acknowledged the gift bag she had placed beside her as they sat to eat. “What’s with the gift bag?”

“It’s kind of for you.” Y/N admitted taking a deep breath hoping that this was the best way to spill the beans to him. 

Jimmy widened his eyes taking a bite of his sandwich speaking between bites. “Why a gift for me? I’m pretty sure it’s not my birthday…right. I mean I know work’s been busy lately but I don’t think I missed my own birthday. I am also more than sure that it’s not Valentine's Day. I know it’s definitely not our anniversary because you would have killed me for getting this far into the day without me acknowledging that it’s our anniversary. So, what’s the occasion?”

Y/N took a deep breath picking up the bag handing it over to him. “It’s just better if you open it.”

He placed his sandwich down in his carry out box wiping his hands on a napkin before he took the gift bag.

He opened it peering down into the bag as he began to remove items.

He furrowed his brow as he stared down at the first item. He held up the book a look of confusion washing over his features “Winnie the Pooh?”

Y/N felt her throat grow tight as she nodded at the bag. “There’s more.”

He placed the book aside reaching back into the bag pulling out two more items staring down at them. The crochet booties were a pale yellow and if they weren’t enough to explain it the sonogram scan he was holding in his hand fully explained it.

He spoke his voice filled with disbelief as he struggled to place his words together. “I…you’re, we’re...”

He paused, taking a shaky breath. “You’re pregnant…how, when?”

“Twelve weeks…I’m twelve weeks.” Y/N explained her stomach in knots, unable to read his expression.

“How long have you known?” He asked, still staring down at the items in his hands, the sonogram seeming to capture most of his attention. 

“I knew at five weeks…I took a test…I took more than one test. The doctor confirmed it with the sonogram week seven.” She admitted the knots in her stomach were growing more and more furled and tight.

She continued to study him, his expression still so unreadable. 

Guilt began to cloud her mind a voice in the back of her brain claiming that he was upset with her that she’d kept this to herself for seven weeks. She’d excluded him from the first trimester. Her attempt to protect him had hurt him.

The tears begin to set in guilt becoming overwhelming. She spoke, babbling her voice breaking as she frantically tried to wipe her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”.

Jimmy took her by surprise pulling her against him holding her against him. Jimmy shifted both items he’d been holding to one hand using his free hand to rub her back. “Slow down, take a breath. Just slow down and breathe, my love.”

She tried to to follow his advice the guilt shoving her into a full blown panic attack. He continued to rub her back his voice soft. “Twelve weeks.”

She spoke her voice weepy the guilt still hanging over her. “I wanted to tell you a thousand times. I was just so scared.”

“Scared of what?” Jimmy asked his voice thankfully not harsh though her mind insisted she deserved it.

She felt her throat grow tight, deciding to just spill it all out. “I kept thinking back to the last time.” 

Jimmy furrowed his brow, taking him a moment to realize what she meant by the last time. 

She spoke again, her voice still weepy. “I kept thinking about how you looked that night in the ER. You were trying so hard to be strong for me, but you were hurting too. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. After we miscarried I did a lot of research into it…I’m a scientist. Research is what I do. A small percentage of women experience multiple miscarriages. It’s a small percentage, but it happens. I just kept thinking about how much trouble we’ve had conceiving when it was so easy to get pregnant the first time. I was afraid that it’s all my body…that there’s something wrong with me. I knew we wanted to get pregnant so bad, but I was so afraid of my body. I couldn’t get your hopes up knowing that there was even a chance of me losing this pregnancy.”

Jimmy spoke continuing to rub her back his voice soft. “Honey..”

He didn’t have a chance to speak as she spoke again interrupting him. “I know it wasn’t my choice to make…keeping you in the dark. I didn’t involve you in my decision. I wanted to protect you and I kept you in the dark. I always told you I’d never keep anything from you and I broke my promise. I hurt you. You’re the last person I want to hurt. You have the right to be angry with me.”

He shushed her pressing a kiss to her temple fast to speak before she had a chance to keep talking. “You should have told me, but I can understand why you were afraid. I love you too much to be angry. You were scared sweetheart, and we’ve struggled to make this happen. We’ve had our hopes destroyed so many times. We wanted this so bad. I can’t blame you for being afraid it was going to be taken away. You don’t have to be scared alone though. You never have to be afraid by yourself. I’d much rather be afraid together than be afraid alone.”

She sniffled her voice weak. “You always try to be the strong one for me. I guess I thought I should be strong for you for once. If I had to be afraid alone I thought it was okay because at least you didn’t have to be scared too.”

“You are strong for me…when we lost the baby…I felt so guilty. You had to go through all the physical aspects of it along with the emotional pain. I only had to feel the emotional pain. I thought that you were stronger than me for that. I never told you that…I should have. Never doubt how strong you are. I think we’re both strong for each other. I think we're strongest together. That's why our marriage works. We're at our strongest when we can lean on each other.” Jimmy reassured her, squeezing her a little tighter.

He dared to pull back from her his hand pressing to her stomach his voice soft the guilt fading from her all the more. “A baby, my baby. I did that?”

She managed to speak a weepy laugh leaving her. “It’s hard to comprehend, but the sonogram kind of makes it a little more real.”

He stared down at the sonogram still in his hand. “It’s healthy right? I mean, everything looked okay on the sonogram?”

“Everything looks good so far. The is the only sonogram I’ve had so far….they wanted to do one this soon given…the miscarriage…You really can’t see much of anything. I keep thinking it kind of looks like a peanut…They think we’ll be able to hear the heartbeat next sonogram. They could see the heart starting to develop in this sonogram, but we couldn’t hear it…the doctor said it’s nothing to panic over though.” She explained almost relieved she hadn’t heard the heartbeat without him.

She spoke again sharing the other news he’d missed at the appointment. “My estimated due date is November 15th.”

“It missed my birthday.” He remarked his eyes still locked on her stomach his hand beginning to rub it.

He spoke again, his eyes turning to look at the book he’d placed beside them. “Winnie the Pooh?”

“I remembered what your mom sent the last time…the stuffed animal…like the one you had. I wanted to get another one, but…I just couldn’t. I thought the book might be a good start…maybe we can get the stuffed animal after they’re here.” She explained his eyes growing a little damp as it hit him.

The stuffed animal his mother had send the last time they’d gotten pregnant. It had been a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal. Jimmy had one when he was a child. Jimmy was pretty sure his grandmother had gotten it for him at Sears for Christmas. 

Of course the one Jimmy’s mother had sent for her future grandchild hadn’t been from the 1980s like Jimmy’s had been. 

He spoke nodding his head. “It’s a good start. It’s a great start. The booties?”

“I figured yellow was a good choice. We don’t know if it's a boy or a girl.” She explained.

Jimmy was fast to speak certain of the words. “Boy or girl, I love it. I love both of you.”

“I love you too.” She responded relieved as his lips met hers all of the fear and doubt she’d felt disappearing.

They sat in silence for a moment as their lips parted Jimmy not pulling his hand from her stomach they soaking up the moment. Y/N felt like she could breathe clearly for the first time in months. 

Jimmy finally spoke breaking the silence. “Can we tell everyone? Is that okay?”

“Yeah. We can tell everyone.” She replied knowing it was time to come clean to everyone.

She was surprised as he reached into his scrubs pants pocket fishing out his cell phone. She watched a little confused as he opened his contacts finding the number he was searching for. He spoke fast to say the words. “Abby can you gather everyone in the lab? Y/N and I have something to say and everyone needs to be there.”

She watched as he finally got off the phone, somehow resisting Abby’s insistence to explain his request further. He spoke, his cheeks flushing ever so slightly. “I thought the lab would be better than Autopsy. I don’t know how I feel about announcing we’re having a baby, in Autopsy…I mean I know my job is a huge part of my life and our kid will most likely figure out what I do for a living and isn’t going to totally escape dead body talk…but announcing our kid’s existence there might inspire Baby Autopsy Gremlin jokes from Tony.”

“I thought you like the Autopsy Gremlin jokes.” She replied.

He pressed a kiss to her cheek quick to respond. “I like them fine, but I would prefer our baby be spared from it.”

She let him take her hand in his as he stood up helping her gather their things he clearly ready to go share the news.

She took a deep breath ready to completely spill the beans. She felt her stomach flip as it hit her they still had to call their parents.

………………………………………………..

She stood by Jimmy’s side as everyone crowded into Abby’s lab it a tight fit. Autopsy probaby would have had more room, but she had to agree with Jimmy that the idea of sharing the news of a new life in a place where death was so prominent seemed a little too uncomfortable.

Jimmy held her hand scrambling a bit with the gift bag to find just what he was looking for with his free hand.

He felt his cheeks flush the bag almost falling to the floor until Y/N reached out with her free hand steadying it.

He finally found what he needed Y/N taking the bag from him allowing him a bit more freedom of movement.

He held up the sonogram picture proudly, his chin tilted up, his chest puffed out ever so slightly as he spoke. “We’re having a baby. We’re twelve weeks in. I’m going to be a dad”.

Y/N and Jimmy weren’t shocked by the rush towards them their coworkers crowding them the sonogram easily being passed around as well as congratulations. 

Y/N twisted her lips trying not to chuckle realizing Tony was predictable as Tony spoke, staring down at it. “Baby Gremlin looks like a peanut.”

Jimmy narrowed his eyes, a huff leaving him. “No Baby Gremlin jokes, and it’s beautiful. If it's shaped like a peanut it’s the most beautiful peanut I’ve ever seen.”

Gibbs was fast to respond giving Jimmy’s shoulder a pat. “Spoken like a true father Palmer.”

They were surprised by the hug that came from Abby with exclamations containing babysitting offers.

More hugs followed from McGee and Ziva who were less eager to make any offers of future babysitting.

Ducky was quick to offer hugs as well quick to remark. “I am still open to being Grandducky.”

Jimmy and Y/N felt their throats grow tight knowing that with their last pregnancy the concept of Grandducky had come up. 

Any sense of sorrow was overshadowed by the joy they felt spotting the sonogram knowing it would be different this time.

Jimmy was fast to speak. “They couldn’t ask for a better Grandducky.”

Jimmy held Y/N against him as there was more talk among their work-family about the newest edition to the Palmer family.

Jimmy pressed his lips to her temple, his voice soft as his free hand reached down pressing against her stomach. “I love you.”

“I love you. We both do.” Y/N replied any fear and anxiety she’d felt so far away now.

This had been a difficult seven weeks, but she knew the remainder of her pregnancy would be far less difficult.

Even if she was scared, she wouldn’t have to be scared alone. Jimmy was right. They were strongest together.

[namea123]

Unpopular Tenchi Muyo Opinion

I HATE the outcome of Tenchi Muyo. No, hate is too light a word, I abhor what they've done to it with every fibre of my being. I had been obsessed with the show for years as someone who grew up on Toonami. It was one of my all time favourite shows and it is something I rewatched time and again (Tenchi Muyo, the movies, Tenchi Universe, Tench in Tokyo etc).

One of the key elements that kept me coming back was the queen herself, Ryoko Hakubi. Space Pirate to some demon to others, Ryoko was widely regarded as a fan favourite. She had a spunky personality, her playful antagonism with Ayeka was fantastic and amusing. More than that though, her love for Tenchi was my favourite thing about the show. She genuinely loves him, and would do anything for his happiness. In Tenchi Forever, when he was whisked away by the main villain, her voice was the thing that woke him out of his spell.

She and he arguably have the most romantic coded relationship out of all the girls. Ayeka being the second to actually express her love for him. What I loved about Tenchi was that he valued the girls as family. Outside of Ryoko and Ayeka all the other girls didn't treat him as husband to be material. Sasami was like his little sister and they had a cute sibling type bond. Washuu was his mentor, and yes could be flirty with him for the sake of making him uncomfortable and pissing her daughter off but it was never portrayed to be a genuine serious romantic interest. Ryo-Ohki was a literal cabbit (cat rabbit) for majority of the series and other than one appearance as an "adult" she was shown as a child like Sasami when in human form. Mihoshi was like a loveable crybaby big sister. She had a short instance of crushing over Tenchi when she just joined the Frey but it disappeared relatively quickly. The roles and dynamic for the cast was fantastic. It wasn't a stereotypical harem, Tenchi didn't care about romancing the ladies under his roof. They were his family and with the exception of the aforementioned Ryoko and Ayeka, they loved him back in a normal familial way.

That is until the writers decided to go charging into stereotypical harem territory.

**Spoilers Ahead**

I won't waste your time, Tenchi ultimately marries ALL of the ladies. I was in disbelief. Ryoko and Ayeka were ultimately who I saw marrying Tenchi if he did have a polygamous marriage (it made sense so I had expected it). WHY did he have to be paired with all of them?!? Him wedding Sasami who magically grew up in the span of 12 years despite never aging for centuries. She still also calls him Tenchi Niichan (🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️). Him marrying and impregnating Ryo-Ohki is one of the most ridiculous and quite frankly awful developments to have come out of this continuation. She's a freaking spaceship that can't speak and literally meows!!!!!!!!

Not only that Ryoko who always loved and adored Tenchi is now docile and content with sharing him when she couldn't stand seeing another woman with him. We were teased with images such as this of their wedding and Ryoko as one of the possible Empress Consorts of Jurai with their daughter.

They gave them the most romantic moments only for them to get a sloppy canon. What good is canon if it's a steaming turd?? What's worse is that Kajashima (the creator) is the one who made it into a giant pile of shit.

I do not recognize this show, I do not recognize my fave characters and I sure as hell don't recognise this terrible whack plot. I guess there's a reason why I only found out about this show two years after it aired. Hell I didn't even know season 4 had come out 🥴If ever a show should do a redo, I'd fully support it being this show.

[frostcorpsclub]

What’s Santa’s dynamic with Suzy, and Virginias with Jack? Seeing as to how there normal pairings pretty different

With the gang the close relationships each woman has with the man who's not her husband and vice versa is a bit like candy or junk food, there's a romantic element there in addition to the main platonic component but it's made up partially of things that are fun and probably wouldn't make for a relationship that would make each individual happy on it's own. As their marriages do. They also get to indulge in the toxic things that they usually keep at bay for their partners sake. Basically what I'm attempting to show here is why they're all drawn to each other but why they're still with their husband/wife at the end of the day. Obviously it’s mostly from the wives end because they’re my OCs.

Santa and Suzy

It's kind of funny because with the way they both carry themselves and the fact they're both (technically) curly haired redheads some could probably confuse these two for siblings, don't tell them that though, gross. That is all to say that if you compare the two you can tell Jack has a type. Santa doesn't mind that Virginia isn't as in to these things, as he usually indulges in this side of himself in his freetime, but Suzy is someone he can share some of his more wordly and cultured pleasures with. She, of course, believes Jack to be perfect but that's because he is who he is; when she imagines romantic stroll in paris or attending the opera, Santa is the one she's picturing it with. Her knack for making a person seem like the most intelligent in the world highly pleases Santa. Plus, she does it without the constant vies for reassurance that comes with Virginia. He can just be totally honest that he think's she's dumber than a box of rocks. It is a nice break but it's moreso about the fact that there's no sort of reverence for Suzy's position as a matriarch in the Claus home, Santa will be as mean as he pleases without the "bouquet after the black eye" so to speak. It's a break for Suzy too in a way, a bit of fun without concern for her responsibilities. But this isn't something she wants every day or even most of the time. The hierarchy where Jack is the head and she is the neck is where she thrives. Not to mention, she gets greedy and regresses. Santa still enjoys the privileges of having her around but she knows the madder she makes him the meaner he’ll get. At times she'll push back against him in ways she would never dare do with Jack. Only in private of course, but the thrill from her childhood of acting one way with Santa and then acting like she has no idea wtf he's talking about when Jack is around is thrilling. Santa obviously thinks this shit is annoying and childish. Speaking of, last thing I promise, they have their mutual hatred of children. Those crotch vomits are the worst part of Santa's eternal servitude so he can get incredibly heated about it. Normally Virginia distracts him and he can see the way his raging overstimulates her so he will try to control himself, but Suzy actively eggs him on until he gives himself a headache. Get this little red child out of his house. Oh my gd I kept thinking of things to say 😭 I'm so sorry these people are nasty freaks

Jack and Virginia

These two are actually super cute. He's pretty good with his autistic daughters, Virginia has to do less work in terms of communicating her needs. Jack also has no issue with her "cute little questions" and will just straight up lie to her if it'll make her feel better about herself. Which, sounds nice, but then she gets sent back home and drives Santa insane because she's taken steps back on some of the things he's put effort in to helping her improve on. She's usually back to normal soon but he finds himself caring more than he thinks he should about the two of them hanging out, what an irritating thing to have to spend brain power on. Virginia is also incredibly clingy. Jack loves holding a tall sexy blonde but sometimes he would really like her to get off her ass and do some womanly things. You know, like the dishes. She’s a wonderful cook miles better than Suzy. But Suzy’s cooking is the one he’s been eating for 20 years now and she always cleans up after herself. You may have noticed that Jack's treatment of her seems infantilizing and you'd be right. He does kind of treat her like a child but in all the wrong ways as, when it comes to drinking and partying, he acts like she's just one of the guys and doesn't need any keeping an eye on. Which, in turn is part of the reason she doesn’t really clean up after herself at his house. Whenever he’s like “aren’t you a custodian??? FUCKING CUSTODE!” she thinks he’s doing guy to guy banter with her. The biggest point of contention here is the kids since Suzy will usually go to Santa’s house for one on one time but Virginia will come to the Frost’s. Virginia has the capability of being a cool auntie unlike Santa, but of course this only lasts up to a certain point. I won’t lie hanging out with her makes Jack a little bit neglectful. He pushes the boundaries of “it’s fend for yourself” night a little far. He isn’t fully unself aware about this and after a certain point Suzy’s voice in the back of his head starts making him feel like a bad trashy father (which he is being) and he Misses His Wife.

These issues really aren’t present when all four of them are together because Virginia and Suzy know how to act around their husbands lol, so as you can see the foursome option is the second best to them just being with who they are now

[freenewsreport]

Jennifer Hermoso Partner: Unveiling the Life Beyond the Field

Jennifer Hermoso, a name synonymous with football greatness, is celebrated for her impressive skills on the field. As fans around the world cheer her on, many are curious about her life off the pitch, particularly her personal relationships. This curiosity often leads to one burning question—who is Jennifer Hermoso partner? In this article, we dive into the mystery surrounding her personal life, exploring what’s known and what remains private about her partner, while also celebrating her incredible journey as a footballer.

The Iconic Footballer: Jennifer Hermoso

Before diving into her personal life, let's briefly acknowledge the sheer talent that is Jennifer Hermoso. Born in Madrid, Spain, Hermoso has dazzled the world with her football prowess, leading her team to victory on countless occasions. From Barcelona to international championships with Spain’s national team, her career trajectory speaks for itself. But beyond the goals, what about the personal life that remains somewhat in the shadows?

The Mystery Surrounding Jennifer Hermoso's Partner

For fans who follow Hermoso's career, her personal life has been somewhat of an enigma. She’s known to be a private individual, and while her athletic achievements are out in the open, details about Jennifer Hermoso's partner are kept close to the chest. Is it intentional, or simply a way to keep the focus on her professional journey? Either way, Hermoso’s ability to maintain her privacy is admirable in a world where personal lives are constantly scrutinized.

Why So Private?

One might wonder, why keep such an important part of life so secret? In today’s world of social media, where every moment is shared, Hermoso stands apart. Could it be that she wants her love life free from the pressures of the public eye? Or perhaps her partner prefers staying out of the limelight? Either way, fans are left to speculate, and the mystery continues to captivate attention.

Rumors About Jennifer Hermoso’s Partner

It’s no surprise that when someone of Hermoso's stature remains tight-lipped about their partner, rumors start swirling. From romantic links to fellow athletes to suggestions of a non-public relationship, the rumor mill has been active. But here’s the thing—most of these rumors don’t stick. Hermoso has managed to maintain a clear boundary between her private and public personas, brushing off the speculation without ever confirming or denying any of the rumors.

The Importance of Boundaries

Maintaining boundaries in a high-profile career is no easy feat, but Jennifer Hermoso does it effortlessly. This ability to protect her personal space while shining professionally is something fans should respect. After all, just because someone’s in the public eye doesn’t mean every aspect of their life needs to be on display, right?

The Role of a Partner in Hermoso’s Life

Now, let’s imagine for a second. What kind of partner does someone like Jennifer Hermoso need? It’s easy to picture someone supportive, understanding, and perhaps equally driven. Whether they share a love for sports or simply provide emotional stability, the partner of a high-profile athlete like Hermoso must be one who values privacy as much as she does.

Support: A partner who supports Hermoso’s grueling schedule and demanding career must be a key element in her life.

Privacy Respect: Given Hermoso's discretion about her relationship, it’s likely her partner values keeping their private lives separate from the public.

Shared Values: Whether in sports or not, shared values such as respect, ambition, and understanding must play a big role in the dynamic of Hermoso’s relationship.

Jennifer Hermoso’s Focus on Career

Even with the curiosity surrounding Jennifer Hermoso's partner, one thing is abundantly clear—her focus on her career is unwavering. With accolades such as multiple top scorer titles and leadership roles within her teams, it’s evident that football is a top priority. But could her success on the field also stem from a supportive personal life? After all, having the right partner can provide stability and balance in anyone’s life.

How Jennifer Balances Life and Career

Balancing personal life with a career as demanding as Hermoso's isn’t easy. Between intense training, international travel, and high-pressure matches, there’s little time for anything else. So how does she manage? While the details of her personal life remain elusive, it’s clear she’s found a way to navigate both worlds. Perhaps this is where her partner comes in, offering the calm and support she needs to perform at her best.

Jennifer Hermoso's Partner: A Matter of Respect

At the end of the day, respecting Jennifer Hermoso’s desire for privacy is paramount. The fact that she chooses not to broadcast her personal life speaks volumes about her priorities—football, family, and keeping a part of herself protected. So, while the identity of Jennifer Hermoso’s partner may remain unknown for now, what’s clear is her commitment to maintaining balance in her personal and professional life.

Conclusion

Jennifer Hermoso is an icon, both on and off the field. While fans may speculate about her partner, the truth is, Hermoso deserves the right to keep that part of her life private. With her continued success in football, it’s clear that whatever her personal life looks like, it’s working for her. So, as we continue to admire her professional achievements, let’s also respect the boundaries she’s set in her personal life.

In the end, the mystery surrounding Jennifer Hermoso’s partner may add an extra layer of intrigue, but what truly matters is her dedication, her talent, and her passion for football. That’s the Jennifer Hermoso we all know and love.

[jerichoes]

okay here goes nothing cause i'm going insane over here:

genuinely can't tell if the writing is good or bad because it keeps oscillating between juicy as hell and mind-numbingly bad. i kept going "i like this -> no i don't -> no i do -> no i don't".

they kind of bombed hard with relationships on this. like, all of them. for a game that was advertised as being all about the companions and your relationship to them - they have relationships with anyone but rook. it sucks absolute ass that we can't talk to them unless they ask for something and somehow, even though the veilguard is a small team that should feel personal, rook feels more like "a boss that's detached from everyone" than inquisitor ever did. i don't know how they managed this, but here we are.

brother DON'T get me started on romances. first off, they were gutted to hell compared to every other dragon age game AND every mass effect game. again, if you're going to talk about how personal the connections with companions will be, do. the damn. connections. with rook. including the romantic ones. don't. half ass. them.

special mention for the aspect of romances that's been driving me up the wall this entire week. lucanis romance... was not thought out well. or maybe they got lost on the fantasy of pairing up npcs. i can't even say it was for the yearners because he brushes rook off constantly. which, you could say "well he's an awkward guy". but he will at the same time casually flirt with neve, he will write about neve in his notes and he will be very worried for neve above all after the city choice. even if rook is a shadowdragon who also lost their home to venatori. not to mention players getting locked out of his romance if they choose to help minrathous - a grave wound he will not get over, unless it's for neve. even for a shadowdragon rook. like..? and the flirting will happen even if the player is actively trying to romance him? idk it's all just kind of bizarre cause he's written in two different ways.

i like the choice variance within the game itself (save for that romance hickup)! i wish we could have more old choices, even if they were just mentioned in the codex (like the south resisting the blight better if you kept the wardens or something). but honeslty i though the three choices we got were okay.

the south is just gone, huh?

this is a petty one, but lords of fortune were an afterthought, to the point where there is no lighthouse theme for them and their area fully opens up waaaay close to endgame. i get it, most people probably played warden, crow or veil jumper but why have the faction at all then? dwarves get a theme and lords don't?

this ties to the previous one and also to not being able to talk with companions outside quest markers - when i got taash and went on a mission with them and bellara, the first few banters were all about bellara asking about lords of fortune. this is hours into the game and hours after getting bellara. and she asks taash and not rook. okay.

kind of have no notes on the elven or dwarven lore. ok maybe some notes on the titans (mountain that looks like a guy? subtle) but eh. i mostly enojoyed all of that.

i get that rook is more pre-determined that other protags. but i genuinely couldn't tell if emotions for responses did anything. i expected them to work like da2, and maybe they did, but it felt like emotion variation wasn't there. idk. maybe i'll notice a difference on replay?

i understand the intent of the davrin/harding choice. but it still feels really bad.

solas trying to outscheme rook twenty times in a row becomes very funny when you constantly pick the "i don't trust him" options. like i see you, villain.

the executors are just evil, huh?

crows got stripped of their more unseemly elements, tevinter got stripped of its more unseemly elements. times move on, sure, but based on the codex, they haven't changed much in tevinter at least in the last ten years. it's all a bit toothless now.

some of the writing felt too modern and also too cyclical. we're doing cycles, i get it, but can we stop saying "one step at a time" and "i'm so sorry" every five minutes please.

i've seen so many people say taash was annoying and i couldn't see any of that in the game. at least when people called sera annoying, i could understand why.

dorian is an archon now, huh?

i'm tired and i need to sleep on this for a week.

it's 3 am and i have to get up early af tomorrow but i just GOTTA write about this game RIGHT NOW

[quaranmine]

The Babysitting Game

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, Grian doesn't have a child but he does have an egg and a village. That’s basically the same thing, right?

Grian acquires an egg. His friends help him.

No romantic relationships or content warnings. Mainly fluff! Hermits: Grian, Mumbo, Pearl, and Scar. My first publish fanfic since 2016 and my first hermitcraft fanfic :D ao3 link and some inspirations to be linked in a reblog

Words: 2862

•·················•·················•

"What if I touched it really quick?" Scar asked.

"No, don’t-don’t touch the egg," Grian said seriously. "Look, I even made a sign! It specifically says ‘Do not touch.’" He gestured to the sign in question, but Scar ignored him.

"Can I rub it?" he said. The man leaned over it, studying the object carefully. Grian hadn’t known where to place the egg when he got it, and it was just sitting on an anvil for the time being. He didn’t even have a starter house yet, but clearly he was going to need something soon if he was going to protect the egg from some of the more . . . mischievous residents of their Boatem village.

“No, don’t touch the egg! Scar-” Grian walked closer, hands outstretched, just in time to see Scar reach out with his hand and pat the egg.

Vworp!

The egg disappeared into thin air.

Dragon eggs had a tendency to do that. It was a survival tactic--Grian didn't really know how it worked, but just as endermen could teleport away from danger, so could the egg if it were touched. Now whether or not Scar was dangerous remained up for debate…

Scar giggled. "Oh, where did you go?" he sang, hunting around the area.

Well, he COULD be pretty scary sometimes.

"Scarrrr," Grian whined, helping him look. "I told you not to touch it!"

"It's over here!" Scar shouted, finding the egg at the bottom of a small slope nearby. "Just one more time…." He reached out again.

"No!" Grian said, slapping his hand away. "Look, you've got to pick it up the right way." He demonstrated, carefully lifting the egg and placing it in a pouch slung over his back. He had hurriedly stitched it together not too long ago, worried that transporting the egg normally might break it. “If you do it roughly, you’ll scare it and it’ll teleport away again.”

"I see!" said Scar.

"Now, please, don't touch the egg.”

"Oh," Scar said. He straightened. "You're really serious about this."

Grian glared. "I am."

"I'm sorry, I just thought it was funny!"

Grian sighed. "It's okay, Scar. It's just--this thing is a baby, it needs to be handled gently! You can't just go around scaring it! What if it falls into a hole or something?" he hissed.

"Oh my god," Scar laughed, "you're its mother now!"

"No, no, I'm not!"

"You are!" Scar cried. He suddenly stopped. "Oh no, didn't you kill its mother?"

"Well it doesn't know that!" Grian snapped. "Truthfully I didn't realize there would be an egg! And I couldn't just leave it, you know! Here, look at this." Grian gently withdrew the egg from its pack, and Scar moved closer. He held it up to the sun. "Look at that."

The sun shined dark red through the deep purple shell of the egg, making it glow within. In the middle, the silhouette of a curled up creature was illuminated. Blood vessels radiated outward, and at the bottom there was a blank space that Grian assumed was air. The egg’s shell was too thick for any detail to be made out, but the processes happening within were clear. Grian was enchanted with it.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

"Wow," Scar breathed. "There's actually a dragon in there! What're you gonna do with it after it hatches?"

"Well, I haven't exactly thought that far--I just want to worry about keeping it safe first. I mean, what do you even do with this thing?" Grian put the egg back in its satchel, and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I suppose you keep it warm and safe but, like, I don't know what else-"

"I could help!" Scar said.

"You were just playing with it!"

"Hey," Scar said defensively, "that was before I knew more about it!"

Grian rolled his eyes.

“What are you guys doing over here?” said Mumbo, wandering over. Grian just knew he’d been up to something, and sure enough, there was a new tree next to his little collection of chests. Grian wasn’t very bothered by it, because he already had a plan to get Mumbo back for it.

“Grian is just showing me his new baby!” Scar teased. “He’s a mom now.”

“I am NOT its mother,” replied Grian tiredly, but he smiled at the sight of the other man.

“A baby?” Mumbo asked, choosing to ignore the rest of Scar’s statement.

“A dragon egg,” Grian answered. “I found it in the End.” He paused for a moment, feeling almost bad. “After I killed the dragon.”

“Grian! You’ve orphaned it!” Mumbo sounded scandalized.

“Why do you all keep bringing that up!?” he defended, glancing between Mumbo and Scar, who both gave him disapproving, albeit playful, looks. “I know you’re Mr. Peace, Love and Plants this time, but we’ve always killed the dragon in every new world!”

“Well, I guess that’s true, but it is a little sad isn’t it? You’re taking care of it but only because you killed its mum.”

“Yeah,” was all Grian said. The dragon always needed to be taken care of in each new world they visited, and while it was always a bit of a shame, he’d never really contemplated it that much. After all, he normally wasn’t the one who fought it--that last time in Evo aside. He didn’t really know what he had gotten into but he felt deeply like he needed to protect this egg. It was like a tug in his chest, drawing him into the egg and telling him not to let go.

“Show him the egg!” Scar said.

“You just want to see it again,” Grian replied, but pulled the egg out of the satchel again anyway for Mumbo to see. The surface of the egg wasn’t smooth, like a chicken’s egg, but bumpy. The purple spots almost seemed to glow, and occasionally little violet particles drifted off of it. Grian felt like he could stare at it in awe all day, and apparently his friends felt the same.

“How’re you going to keep it warm?” asked Mumbo after a moment of admiring it. “That satchel isn’t going to be enough, and to be frank, I don’t see you spending any time sitting on it, even if the mental image is pretty funny.”

Grian rolled his eyes at the comment, but thought about it. How would he incubate it? He may have had wings, but he didn’t know anything about eggs, other than that it was a safe bet to assume it needed to be kept warm. “I'm not sure, actually.”

“Hey, let me design something for you!” Mumbo said excitedly. “I could probably use some redstone and make an incubator of some sort for you.”

Grian smiled. “I’d really appreciate that.”

Asking Mumbo to create a contraption for him--what could go wrong?

•·················•·················•

“I’m not wearing this thing, you know.” Grian said, holding the contraption while Mumbo wheezed with laughter in the background. The design that Mumbo had come up with was essentially a backpack with heating elements strung through it, except for one thing . . .

“You-you wear it in the front,” Mumbo choked out, wiping a tear from his eyes.

“Yes, I see that,” Grian replied, unamused.

“Like a swaddle!”

“Yes, I see that.”

Mumbo laughed harder. Grian had to begrudgingly admit that it was well designed, however. It would fit the egg perfectly, keep it warm, and most important it was mobile to ensure that he could take the egg with him. It was thoughtful, especially since Mumbo knew Grian was quite protective of it.

“I’m not wearing this thing,” Grian repeated. “I’m not going to let you all laugh at me while I walk around the server with an egg swaddled to me!”

“I thought you’d say that,” Mumbo chuckled. “Here, you can switch the straps around and turn it into a backpack.” He unclipped the straps and moved them into the new configuration.

“Thank you, Mumbo,” he said gratefully. “This will certainly do the trick.”

“Glad to hear it mate,” Mumbo replied. “Now, while you’re here, may I ask why there is an incredibly tall tree on top of my camper?”

“Sorry, got to go!” blurted Grian, snatching the backpack from Mumbo’s arms and flying off in a burst of feathers.

“That’s unfair, I don’t even have an elytra yet to go chase him down with,” muttered the man as he watched Grian disappear.

•·················•·················•

Grian sat in the grass in front of his starter home and rubbed his eyes wearily. He was exhausted. Is this how all parents feel? he wondered. Was he just uniquely unqualified to be one? After all, this was only an egg! It hadn’t even hatched yet and he was already tired of keeping up with it.

Carrying it in the backpack was heavy, and Grian tired out quickly. It was hot on his back, and Grian found himself having to take breaks to avoid overheating. It was also cumbersome, and he found it difficult to build with as it shifted his weight. He almost fell off the roof once while building it! Of course, having wings meant that Grian could catch himself easily, but it had still given him quite the scare. Dragon eggs were pretty sturdy, and would teleport themselves out of danger if possible, but he was still so paranoid about breaking it. And now there was the Boatem Hole to worry about--what if it teleported itself into the void? These things kept Grian awake at night.

But if he left it...well, just like Grian had a tendency to lose items in his chest monsters, he also had a tendency to forget where he placed things. He had been forced to go back and rescue the egg from some place he’d left it more than once, which he wasn’t exactly proud of. What sort of parent forgot their child?

. . . He was definitely not admitting to being its parent.

Oh God, what did I get myself into?

“Hey Grian, what’re you up to?” came a voice, interrupting his thoughts. He looked up and saw Pearl standing over him. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail and her hands were in her hoodie pockets. She took a seat on the ground next to him, and followed his gaze overlooking the Boatem village. “What’s on your mind?”

“This--this egg,” said Grian. It sat next to him in its backpack, still radiating heat. “I don’t know what to do with it. I’m just so tired of carrying it around!”

“I have to admit,” Pearl said, “I didn’t expect you to immediately adopt a baby dragon the very next time I saw you.”

“Yeah, well, it was an accident.” Grian groaned. “I don’t know what to do with it now, let alone when it hatches!”

Pearl thought for a moment. “You know, the rest of us are all here for you. The other hermits would be happy to help out, I’m sure.”

The other hermits . . . well of course they would. If it was one thing they were all good at, it was supporting each other. Scar had already taken a particular interest in the egg, although Grian was still a little suspicious of him scaring it again. Mumbo had specially designed an incubator for it. Pearl was visiting him to check up on him and offer help.

All Grian had to do was convince himself to let it go. To let them help.

“I know that but . . .”

“But what? Have you had any reason to believe they wouldn’t?” Pearl asked.

“Well, no.” He thought for a while. He thought of how his friends would lend materials when needed, or how they’d help replace someone’s armor and items if they were lost. He thought about the days where they all teamed up and chose one hermit to help out, and he thought about all the things they did for the good of the entire community without even being asked.

His desire to protect the egg was strong, and putting it into the hands of another person almost felt like simultaneously a betrayal of the egg itself and the biggest leap of faith he could take. But the hermits were good at leaps of faith, because someone was always there to catch you.

“You think it’d be okay?”

“I know it’ll be okay,” Pearl replied. “I haven’t been here very long but from what I’ve seen, I know they’d all help. They wouldn’t hurt it. They might be a little mischievous sometimes,” she said, glancing at Scar’s house, “but they know how important it is and would be happy to help. They helped you before, didn’t they?”

Pearl was right, of course. Nobody on the server had any desire to hurt the egg. He trusted that. If there was anyone that he could trust, it was them.

But how would he get them all to essentially sign up for babysitting?

An idea struck him, and Grian scrambled to his feet. “Pearl, you’re brilliant. Thank you!”

She blinked, a little startled. “Always happy to help.”

•·················•·················•

Grian stood back, admiring his work. A near perfect duplicate of the egg that was currently sitting in the backpack slung around his shoulder, but at a much larger scale. It was built out of obsidian blocks and crying obsidian for the spots, and if Grian was pretty proud of how it looked.

If Grian knew anything, it was that his friends loved minigames. And Grian was not above gently exploiting that fact to get a little help--just like barge game from the last world, where he managed to get his friends to help mine out the stone from next to his mansion. Just slap the title of “game” on something and you could get a hermit to sign up for anything.

“Now . . . I just have to write the signs on the inside.”

The game Grian had come up with was officially called Tegg--he needed to stay on brand with his tag games in every world--but he’d mentally been calling it “The Babysitting Game” for a while now. Because that’s what it really was--each hermit who signed up would also sign up to watch the egg and keep it safe. He set to work outlining the rules.

RULE ONE: Protect the egg and keep it safe.

RULE TWO: Keep the egg incubated or it’ll die.

RULE THREE: Keep a close eye on the egg.

RULE FOUR: Call Grian if it starts to hatch.

Satisfied, he wrote out the rest of the instructions. Because it was a game, he wanted to make it fun for the hermits too, so he’d decided to make it like a scavenger hunt. People were allowed to take the egg, provided they adhered to the rules, and were encouraged to hide it and keep it safe. Otherwise, someone else who wanted to have it could get it. The safer the egg was, the less likely for someone else to find it. The winner was whoever had the egg the longest when it finally hatched. Grian didn’t know how long that would take, but he didn’t want to miss it either, hence rule four.

Yep, totally outsourcing his babysitting onto his friends.

Grian squinted at his wall of signs, before placing one final sign at the bottom: Grian will track the game and has final say on points and rules!

“That should do it,” he mumbled. He still wanted to keep an eye on the egg, to make sure that he knew who had it and how many people’s hands it had gone through. After all, he was the one ultimately responsible for it.

Grian pulled the egg out of the backpack and carefully placed it on the ground. He’d somehow made a habit of just speaking to it every now and then--he had no idea if the little dragon could hear anything in there, but he liked to think that it could. “Hey there,” he whispered, and stroked the top of the egg. “Some new people are going to start taking you pretty soon, but it’s okay. They’re going to give me some help and make sure you’re safe.”

He paused, taking in the little room he’d made and the wall of signs he’d written with meticulous instructions for the egg’s care. It may have been the first thing he’d built for this egg, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be his last. A baby dragon was a commitment and for the first time Grian really let himself think about what that meant, beyond just an egg that he had to carry around. Would he house it? Train it? Let it stay by his side? Would he love it?

I think I already do, he thought.

He thought of the hermits--their mischievousness, their pranks, their hard work, their friendship, and their goodness at heart. They were his family, now. What was one more addition?

“It’s okay,” he whispered to the egg. “I trust them all with my life, but more importantly, I trust them with yours.”

[buckybarnesdiaries]

otchet o missii

© @wintersthighs

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

part one ⸺ part two ⸺ bonus

request made by anon: Hi Maria you beautiful person you please be my friend 🥺 I kinda have a request but if it doesn't speak to you then you don't have to write it, could you write something where reader is an enhanced/ mutant (kinda like Wanda or Jean Grey so like crazy powerful and dangerous) and Bucky just will not let the government get near her because he knows they'll probably experiment on her to make her a weapon cause they're sus like that? It can be romantic or platonic no preference, if ya want, please and thanks sorry this was so long

word count: 1.165 words.

warnings/tags: none. dad!bucky being overprotective with his baby soldier.

author notes: re-posted because tumblr deleted it for no reason. none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

“Soldat, stoy”.

(Soldier, stop).

Your eyes widened. Your heart raced. The time froze. That command clicked something in your brain, producing the spheres of flames concentrated on your palms to dwindle till disappearing. You had just one second to look around you, before turning at the firm tone of voice behind your back. You found yourself in the middle of Times Square, surrounded by different security forces, aiming at you with large-caliber weapons. Above your head, two helicopters were setting up a perimeter. The chaos spread around the long avenue. You didn't have an idea of how you ended up there, but you were scared like never before.

Turning slowly, your eyes landed on a pair of pale blue orbs. You didn’t notice the other people as a backup. A feeling of safety invaded you when he tilted his head confused, narrowing his eyes, trying to understand how it was possible that you were there. But before you could take a step closer to him, a twinge followed by an electric cramp shook your body. The last thing you heard before blacking out was an I got you, and a cold arm wrapping your abdomen.

BUCKY'S POV

Avengers Compound

06:03 pm, New York

“How do you know it’s not a trap set by Hydra?” Steve asked, reclining himself on his seat at the meeting table next to the rest of the Avengers.

“Because I trust her”. Bucky didn’t doubt replying, although he couldn’t understand why, hearing Stark clicking his tongue as he rolled his eyes.

“James, you don’t know her”. Natasha sighed, referring to the fact that being assassins together years ago meant nothing.

“I trained her. She owes me loyalty”.

“What’s that? Some kind of Stockholm Syndrome patented by Hydra?” Clint scoffed incredulously.

“Tell us what you know about her, Bucky. What you remember”. The captain asked his long-life friend, leaning on the table with both forearms rested against the edge of it.

The soldier gulped, deeply breathing, nodding his chin with his eyes lost somewhere on the dark oak. He explained how Vasily Karpov knew about you. An orphan with no family, no history, and a power of telepathy that allowed you to control the four elements as you pleased. Water, fire, earth, and air. From nowhere, your body could produce flames and throw them anywhere. Exactly the same you could do with water and air. Earth was different. Only by using your hands you could wild it as you want; creating earthquakes or holes, move it. The heroes around Bucky were stupefied. You were a potential danger.

Then, he told them about your skills. Karpov made him stay awake after killing Tony’s parents to train her. You were just a kid. And soon, you were a soldier with an angelic face who could kill anyone just by blinking your eyes. To tell the truth, the Winter Soldier was everything you had in this life. You two worked together, hand-to-hand, for more than ten years until he disappeared. With him out of the game, Hydra continued experimenting with you to replace him. But they reached a point where you couldn't bear the pain, losing control completely.

“Let me talk with her, please”. Bucky begged, touring his eyes around the people there.

“It’s too dangerous”. Vision affirmed, taking a position close to Tony.

“She. Owes. Me. Loyalty”. He repeated almost hissing, pointing out every word with his silver forefinger poking the table.

“You have five minutes before the Government brings her to the Raft”. Rhodes sentenced, crossing his arms on his chest. “Five minutes”.

Escorted by Steve and Wanda, who was the only one there that could control you, Bucky went down to the third sublevel. When the soporific made its effect and knocked you out in the middle of Manhattan, the Avengers managed to take you to their compound.

You were still stoned, but conscious enough to know what was happening around you. Everything spun inside the bunker. Your head hurt like hell and you felt a knot within the pit of your stomach that made you want to puke your guts. As the heavy door proffered a loud noise being opened you retreated to the farthest corner, placing your knees to your chest and wrapping your legs with both arms. Again, you were shaking. Terrified. About to beg for your life.

“Soldat, otchet o missii”.

(Soldier, mission report).

Your breathing became erratic as if the air wasn't enough to fill your lungs. You were at the edge of your crying, raising your hidden face from the gap of your knees. The Winter Soldier was standing some feet away from you. No expression on his face, as always, but with the small difference of a slight inkling of concern. He also looked skinnier, shorter hair, a grown beard. He looked healthier, free.

“Net zadaniya”. You whispered with a broken tone.

(No assignment).

“Soldat, otchet o missii”. He repeated taking a step ahead, hardening his voice.

(Soldier, mission report).

The command made you gulp a sob. Wasn’t he believing you? How could you lie to him?

“Net zadaniya”. You replied with no hesitation, standing on your bare feet and sticking your back to the wall. “Missiya ne naznachena”.

(No assignment. No mission assigned).

You noticed he wanted to turn to his partners, but he didn't. The soldier kept eye contact, coming a little more closer, invading your personal space without caring. He tilted his head forward, trying to find the answers to his questions in your orbs. But they both were emptied with the sole exception of the horror invading your chest and reflected on them. You didn't want to come back. You wanted to be released from Hydra's chain. You weren't an assassin, nor a monster.

“I wa… I was looking for… you”. Babbling, you confessed, being the explanation for why your mind took you to that place in concrete.

“Why?”

“Because you are the only person I have”.

His eyelids narrowed for a second, scanning your intentions, feeling frustrated by not finding anything hidden beneath your words. “Otchet o missii, soldat”.

(Mission report, soldier).

“Net zadaniya, Sergeant Barnes”.

(No assignment).

It was the first time you pronounced part of his real name since you met him many years ago and you could listen to his heartbeat increasing. Before you blinked, his metallic hand grabbed your throat and pinned you against the wall, watching the fury and the rage taking control over his grimace. Glancing above his shoulder, a redhead woman stopped the blonde man known as Captain America. Your gaze focused again on the soldier, loosening slowly the grip on your skin.

“Why don't you remember me?”

The last thing you knew about him was that the man behind him brought back the memories of his past life. His real life. But he was still looking at you with hate and revulsion. Of course, the Winter Soldier was conscious of who you were. What he had forgotten was how he felt about you. He didn't reply to your question, walking backward to the exit, leaving you there. Alone. Again.

feedback is appreciated, please, leave a comment to let me know if you liked it and/or reblog it.

author notes: what do you think about, after the two parts explaining the story, continuing it to explore the evolution of their relationship? do you like the idea? lemme know in a comment or send me an ask!

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[antis-delete-your-blogs-pls-thx]

A thread I am crossposting to my Tumblr, in regards to these threads on Twitter. TW for discussions of abusive relationships and PTSD symptoms:

That long thread really resonates with me so much. One of my own incoming. I HATE when adding any positive elements to a story of abuse is called "romanticising" without any nuance or context as to why it would have been presented that way. It's actually incredibly important to acknowledge the power abusers have over their victims through using charm, kindness, or attractiveness. It's really victim blame-y to fault the survivor for "falling for it" or daring to point out that it exists and is a common tactic.

Love bombing -- or the process of being suddenly affectionate, loving, attentive, kind, etc after a period of abusive behaviour -- is how abusers condition their victims to stay. It facilitates the trauma bond, the common symptom of CPTSD and any traumatic stress disorders that like one would expect out of a stereotypical betrayal of "Stockholm Syndrome" (a dubious psychological concept), causes the victim to feel an intense connection to their abuser. This connection can be idolisation and justification, it can be romantic, and YES, it can be sexual.

In abusive relationships it frequently is sexual, as many intimate partnerships involve sex, and an intimate partner abuser will not hesitate to use their partner's attraction to them as a weapon. This is what happened to me in my abuse, and it's very hurtful and invalidating when you say "romanticisation" of abuse excuses it. The hypersexuality, the romantic aspect of my trauma bond, the desperation for kindness and affection (including sexual intimacy), these were all very real aspects of my abuse that manipulated me into staying in the relationship.

To say that including this very real part of abuse in a narrative makes it excusing of abuse/an unrealistic depiction implies two things: firstly, that "real abuse" does not involve this, and secondly, that these manipulations that made me stay were MY FAULT. Both are false.

Love bombing and similar behaviours are not necessary for abuse to be, well, abusive, but they are incredibly common. And the symptoms of CPTSD that come with it? The hypersexuality, the trauma bond? They are valid. The typical narrative shows hyposexuality and resentment, but the typical narrative is only the most talked about. Or, shall I say, the most palatable for society. In reality, abuse recovery isn't that textbook. It's ugly and painful at times. It's not black and white. And erasing that nuance makes survivors feel blamed, ashamed, and broken.

Case in point, myself. As I mentioned, I found my abusers (yes, multiple times) charming, funny, sweet, and attractive. It was this behaviour that drew me in in the first place. It was only after I was comfortable that the abuse started. Longing for a glimpse of that cute, funny lovely, loving person again was what kept me staying in the first place. I knew this behaviour was possible. I saw it in the beginning, and I saw it again interspersed between the abuse. It WAS real. So naturally if I did what they said, it would come back, right?

Of course, it only came back when they knew they could use it to their advantage. And that's exactly what made it abusive, actually! Instead of being kind to me, being intimate with me, respecting me ALL the time, they only did it when they knew it would control me.

Acting like the mere presence of kindness, of sexual intimacy, of any positive experiences in an abusive relationship automatically negates it being abuse doesn't just blame survivors like me, it's DANGEROUS. Abuse is still abuse, even when it's not all bad 100% of the time.

And I, as a survivor, left to struggle with fluctuating hypersexuality, with trauma bonds, with these unpalatable, dark symptoms of trauma disorders, have every right to explore and process these feelings within a fictional narrative. To say otherwise is ableist and anti-survivor.

[beauty-and-passion]

A (not so) brief post about my favourite Sanders Sides ships

It all started with this ask:

I just wanted to write a short answer, I swear. Just a short answer with a tiny little explanation about why I like these ships in particular.

But then I got a bit carried away, my explanations became longer and so here I am, writing a full post.

One small clarification before starting: ships don’t have a place in my analyses. If I talk about connections between Sides, these connections are always in terms of friendships, cooperation or familial relationships. The romantic aspect is something different and I may joke about it sometimes, but it’s just a joke.

There is a time and space for romantic relationships - and it looks like that time has come. 

______________________________

Janus and Patton

I've always liked the canonical ship, in (almost) every fandom. So of course I like the canonical ship of this fandom as well :P

Jokes aside, this ship is incredibly mature, very interesting and terribly hard to talk about. The nature of these two characters, their roles and the episodes that had them involved proved how these two speak the same language, work in the same field and, ultimately, need each other.

* More similar that we think

If we look at them on a superficial level, Janus and Patton are completely opposites: one is cynical and cold, the other is a ball of sunshine. One is dark and suave, the other is goofy and bright. Janus' moral is "step on others and only care about yourself", Patton's moral is "help others because they are more important than you".

These differences became clearer over time, the more we learned about Janus and compared him with Patton. However, along these differences, some similarities started to emerge. Some qualities.

Janus and Patton want what's good for Thomas. They are humble enough to recognize their mistakes (the latest example was POF). They have a strong empathy. They’re kind. They’re mature adults (even if Patton doesn’t show it too often). And they both love and use puns.

But that’s not all. Along with these qualities, we found out that these two have similar flaws: they are both liars. They are incredibly persuasive to the point of manipulation. They have a huge influence over the mind (and the other Sides). They both deal with denial.

And this isn't just important, but it's a fundamental point for their character growth. Why? Because if they have similar flaws, if they are both liars and manipulators, then they cannot deceive each other.

And this is HUGE, especially for Patton! By his own admission, Patton lied multiple times, especially about his feelings (the Nostalgia episodes) and his thoughts (the most recent wedding/callback saga).

He always got away with it, because he was lying to other Sides and Thomas. But what would the point be, to lie to the literal embodiment of lies? Janus already knows what of his words are lies and what not, so it would be absolutely useless to do it.

Therefore, if Patton cannot lie to Janus, he cannot pretend everything is alright when it's not or hide his thoughts on a certain topic. He cannot shift the attention somewhere else or let a conversation drop. That means Patton cannot avoid confrontation about his thoughts/feelings and oh boy if he really needs to talk about them - especially with someone mature like Janus.

And yes, having someone who is able to see past your lies means being a lot vulnerable... but also a lot freerer. With Janus, Patton won’t have to pretend to be the strongest one: he can allow himself to be weak and confused, because if he doesn’t have an answer or if the weight of decisions is too much to carry, he has Janus with whom he can share it.

* A foundation of mutual respect

This point has never been fully addressed, but it was very well implied by their words/behaviours since Janus’ first appearance.

The first proof we have is CLBG: after Deceit revealed himself and disappeared, all the Sides and Thomas went through various degrees of shock, frustration and anger. Patton, on the other hand, was the only one who showed a pretty calm demeanor.

He should've been the angriest, considering that Janus took HIS place and pretended to be HIM the whole time. And yet, not only Patton didn't show any resentment, but he didn't talk bad about Janus (even if he had all the reasons to) and he even justified the other Side’s actions to Thomas:

[Patton]: Kiddo, simply put, Deceit is an inner coach that acts with the one intention of self-preservation.

Patton could’ve said anything, to make Janus appear as the worst. And his words could've had a lot of influence on Thomas, considering they were coming from his heart.

However, Patton didn't say anything too bad about Janus - not even in the following episodes.

Then we reach POF: Patton's monologue about his morals went so dramatically bad, he turned into a giant frog with abs and Janus had to sweep in to save Thomas.

In that moment, he could've said ANYTHING to make Patton appear as the worst Side ever. He had his chance on a silver plate: Patton was wrong, he had been wrong the whole time, he was literally ready to fight Thomas.

And yet, Janus took Patton's defense:

[Deceit]: He didn't mislead you on purpose, Thomas. I don't think the little guy... or... the big frog is capable of that sort of thing.

In addition to that, let’s consider Janus' whole attitude towards Patton in SvS: he basically spent an entire episode trying to make Patton understand his point.

[Deceit]: You can defend him all you like... But you can't change the facts. Is Thomas an innocent little lamb? Let's let them be the judge of that.

Why did he insist so much on this? Why not tricking Patton like he did with Roman or ignoring him like he did with Logan?

Because Janus knows how important Patton's role is and his whole behaviour shows respect towards the other Side. Unlike the others, who tend to diminish/forget Patton’s importance, Janus never did and always tried to reach him in the most honest, difficult way: through dialogue and confrontation.

And when he failed, instead of disregarding Patton’s importance, he just kept trying again, until his message finally reached the other Side.

* The perfect working partner

POF proved Patton can't bear the weight of the decision-making process all by himself. He needs another Side who can help him and Janus perfectly fills this role.

But why Janus? Why not Logan? Logan is a very mature Side, he can deal with a lot of stress, he's extremely organized and knows a lot. Surely he can help Patton with the decision-making process, right?

Not exactly. For his own admission, morals and ethics are not Logan's area of expertise (as it should be: logic can’t be influenced by what’s considered “good” or “bad”: logic is neutral). Secondly, Logic isn't an emotional-driven Side: logic is way less affected by emotions than other Sides - especially compared to Patton, who is the embodiment of emotions.

What Patton needs is a mature Side with a grey mentality, humble enough to respect him/not diminish his role, from his same area of expertise and enough emotional-driven to connect with him on an emotional/empathetic level.

And Janus is the only one who fills all those points. Even the latter, as we saw in the last part of POF:

[Patton]: Janus... Do you think there's a limit... on how many times someone can say sorry... before you have to admit... that they're just bad for you? [Janus]: Oh, definitely not. I'd love for someone to ruin Thomas' entire life one apology at a time. [Patton]: Okay. [Janus]: (After seeing Patton's reaction)The reality is that... it depends.

Janus' answer changed, the moment he realized Patton didn't get his sarcasm, by switching from ironic to honest. This is the kind of emotional connection Patton needs, something that doesn’t require words, but a small gesture that says more than a thousand words (yes, I’m also talking about that gaze and the small nod in the end card).

If we add to all of that the detail that Janus can nullify Patton's excuses and see past his lies, we have the perfect partner to help him grow up.

But this cooperation isn’t just one-sided: Janus needs Patton just as much as Patton needs him.

Why? First of all, to have a seat at the table. After years hiding, Janus can finally talk to Thomas, introduce his cynical mentality, make Thomas a little more selfish and help him grow up.

Secondly, by cooperating with Patton, Janus will become a better Side: he will learn to compromise, to work together and, most importantly, to trust Patton. And this is a particularly important point because, as I said in my analysis of POF, Janus isn’t used to trust others and he doesn’t want them to see past his barriers. Working with Patton might be exactly what he needs to trust the other Sides and lower these barriers, even a tiny bit.

* The romantic possibility

Considering all of the above points, the idea that their cooperation could evolve into something romantic-driven isn't so strange. The elements are all here, there's nothing weird to add nor need to bend canon, in order to make the ship happen. Their mutual acceptance can easily become need, learning more about each other can easily evolve into desiring each other and friendship could grow into passion.

And, of course, let's not forget marriage. These two can only end up in marriage. I mean, one is a dad, the other is a mom witch, so they are a perfect match XD

My point is: this ship isn't just a “cute couple being cute”. It's about dialogues. Conversations about themselves, their different points of view, their morals, their cooperation, how to help Thomas and the other Sides. It's based on listening to each other, on knowing each other a little more every day. On being silly together, working and failing together, going down and getting up, because there is someone by your side to lend a helping hand.

This is what makes Janus and Patton the most realistic, mature couple. And that's probably why it's so hard to perfectly nail it.

______________________________

Logan and Remus

Here it is, the couple that blew up after one episode and was confirmed in the most recent Aside.

But seriously, these two have a huge potential - first as friends/working partners, then as romantic partners. Logan and Remus need each other and the reasons are pretty clear:

- Having an interlocutor

Remus is Unleashed Creativity, a volcano of ideas in constant need of new stimuli, no matter if they are considered good or bad. After all "good and bad are all made up nonsense", as he said.

Logan is a walking encyclopedia in search of someone who wants to listen to him. He's pure, undiluted knowledge because that's what logic should be. No morals about what's good and what's bad, no emotions, nothing but neutral knowledge.

Considering that, it’s pretty clear these two have to come into contact. But what would they gain?

Well, Remus would have the stimuli he desperately craves. And Logan?

Logan would gain an incredibly smart interlocutor. And I’m not saying it because I am biased towards Remus, but because the canonical episodes showed us how smart he is. In both DWIT and WTIT Remus proved to be a quick thinker, with a sharp intellect and an even sharper eye. He's silly and over the top, but he's not an idiot and he uses everything he has for his own creative needs, no matter how small it is.

Just imagine this cleverness applied to everything Logan might say to him. Remus wouldn’t be the only one to benefit from it, but the whole creative process and, ultimately, Thomas himself, who will have better, richer ideas.

- Gaining a place

At this moment in time (just after WTIT) Remus has not been fully accepted yet. He is tolerated and his presence is a nuisance, but he’s neither wanted, nor banished. He’s just here and he has no voice on any matter.

Also because no one wants to give him a chance to prove how useful and worthy he can be. Thomas barely tolerates him, Patton does his best to ignore him, Roman doesn’t even want to see him and Virgil would rather not have any of the Others present.

The only Core Side who accepts Remus’ presence and is willing to give him a chance is Logan. He spent the entire DWIT to explain why Remus is useful for Thomas and shouldn’t be ignored, while in WTIT, he said: "There will be a time and place for you" - thus implying that, one day, Remus will finally be able to show how worthy he can be.

This is exactly what Remus needs: a Core Side who doesn’t see him as a nuisance or a villain, but as a fundamental part of Thomas that can be helpful, in his own way. Someone willing to give him a seat at the table (at least in the future). And, most importantly, someone who is powerful enough to control him.

Remus is and will always be a force of nature. He will never rest or stop being chaotic. This is why he needs someone strong by his side, someone who can’t be overcomed by his dark thoughts and that can put him back on track if necessary. And Logan proved to be perfect for this role not once, but twice.

- Understanding on a deeper level

However this cooperation won’t be beneficial just for Remus. As I said before, Remus could be a clever interlocutor for Logan. And this cleverness isn’t just related to creativity, but also to emotional understanding.

The Core Sides have known Logan for almost thirty years and yet, they have no idea of the inner turmoil raging inside him. They keep ignoring and dismissing him, clearly thinking everything is fine.

It took Remus one single day to realize what Logan’s problem is, how deeply frustrated he is and how much he’s actually angry at Thomas. Less than 24 hours and Remus knows Logan better than his long time friends.

That’s exactly what Logan needs. Someone sharp enough to notice his behaviour, find out the root of the problem and make Logan face it, instead of dismissing it because who cares (yes, Roman, I am talking about you and your “You'll be fine, Rome didn't fall in a day.”)

- The romantic possibility

I think almost all the fandom agrees that these two would have a great sex life. After all, Remus is the embodiment of Thomas' sexual urges, so he would definitely go for a very physical relationship.

But having a good sex life implies a lot of other great things: good chemistry, no comunication issues, great stability and greater trust. And, even more important, the desire to try new things together. Logan and Remus are both very curious Sides, they both want to know new things and experience them: so their relationship would probably be based on discussing new ideas, testing them and finding out together if they are good or not.

And this doesn't apply to just the sexual aspect: even just the romantic aspect or the working aspect of their relationship could have these characteristics. Logan and Remus can motivate each other, learn from one another and find new things together. They are clever enough to stimulate each other's mind, curious enough to do stuff together to learn something new and honest enough to not withdraw their opinions on any matter.

______________________________

Roman and Virgil

I am just recently starting to warm up to this couple, so I will keep this part short.

Just as it was for the previous two couples, these two can work together because canon made them work. The first part of their whole relationship is already all canonically established: at first Roman saw Virgil as a villain, then he slowly realized he could be a friend. Now moving from friends to lovers isn’t so difficult.

^ No need to demonstrate

Roman needs someone like Virgil, because Virgil is on his same level. Sure, Virgil’s mentality is way more gray-ish, but he still has a lot to learn, just like Roman.

Having someone on his side, who is on his same level is a huge relief: with Virgil, Roman doesn't have to pretend, nor to show off, nor to be dashing and perfect all the time. He knows Virgil won't care less, so he can relax. And for someone who is used to working all the time, having a moment of quiet with someone who has zero espectations is exactly what Roman needs.

Same goes for Virgil: he knows Roman won't care if he's gloomy and dark, because Roman already saw that side of him and appreciates him anyway. So no need to pretend to be different. He can relax too. And, because of his anxious nature, relaxing is exactly what he also needs.

So if they both need to relax, that implies they also need time to do it. And without expectations, without feeling like the other “is better than me and I’m slowing him down”, they can really take all the time they need, to grow at their own pace.

^ Growing together

Virgil and Roman’s is not a one-sided relationship, in which one knows more than the other and helps the other reach his level: since they are on the same level, if one of them learns something new, then it’s a victory for them both, because the other will be motivated to do more/learn more as well.

This isn’t just something I think, but something we saw in canon. During AA-part 2, Roman clearly stated that Virgil “make us... better”, thus implying that Virgil acted as a motivator for him.

Then we had FWSA and here we saw this sentence applied the other way around: Roman was the motivator and, thanks to him, Virgil overcame his own anxiety to push Thomas towards Nico. The final result was a victory for them both: Roman got the romance he’s desperately craving, Virgil found out a new aspect of himself: his bravery.

^ The romantic possibility

These two are a walking “enemies to friends to lovers” trope, so I don’t think there’s anything else to add XD

Only that they would both be quite passionate. One is Thomas’ romantic side, the other is heavily influenced by emotions: if the good one takes Virgil, he would probably be a very passionate partner.

______________________________

Two couples I understand

Janus and Remus -> I understand the appeal of this one and it would kinda make sense, especially from Remus’ point of view. Remus has (probably) sexual fantasies about anything, so I wouldn't be too surprised if he has a whole collection of sexual fantasies about the Side who is closest to him.

But also, I see them too much like father and son/bestest friends to imagine them having a romantic relationship.

So my take is more like that: Remus has sexual fantasies about Janus, just like he has sexual fantasies about anyone. They are his way to show his affection, how much he cares about Janus and wants to protect him.

But Remus is Remus and he's prone to lose control. That's why, since he reached adolescence and started to develop the sexual aspect, Janus put clear limits that give Remus enough space to express his fantasies, but never past a certain point.

So Remus can be very touchy (because, well, he's Remus) and extremely physical in showing his affections, but never go below a certain point. He can talk in full details about all his sexual fantasies to Janus, but never try to sexually force him. He can try to seduce him or propose sexual things, but never pretend he will accept.

And so, over time, it became a sort of internal joke between them: Remus tells his fantasies at the breakfast table, while Janus rolls his eyes with a "very interesting", they have a laugh, they keep going with their day. Remus wants to cuddle, Janus will cuddle. Remus proposes sex, Janus will just laugh and give him a forehead kiss.

In other words, they are the kind of friends who you can find sprawled on a couch, one on top of the other and imagine they're a couple, while that's just how they read a book together.

Logan and Roman -> This couple isn’t bad at all and I really like the idea of these two having a sorta-romantic crush on each other. It can lead to a lot of poetic/romantic possibilities.

The only problem is: Logan is logic, therefore he would destroy all the romance with one sentence XD and the romantic, poetic scene evoked would turn into these two arguing like madmen.

So, well, maybe the hate-sex would be great, but they would definitely spend too much time arguing. Still, I am very curious about it, so I will keep searching for stuff about them.

[oh-boy-me]

I found your speculation of Satan having a crush on mc from the get go verry interesting. I was wondering if you have any speculations around the other boys? Like in what order do you think the boys fell for mc? Any specific points in the story that you think are the "fall for mc" moments for them?

(HFSDHFSD LISTEN I’ve had this in my drafts for AGES and I’m so sorry I’m just now getting to actually posting it ;w; )

I’m MORE than happy to speculate on this!  For the brothers, at least, because I haven’t read up to the parts where the other characters show notable interest in you

Putting most of this under a cut for long post and spoilers, but the tl;dr (with some mysterious elements to catch your interest heheheh) is that I believe the brothers “fall for MC” in this order:

1. Satan 2. Mammon 3. (Lucifer) 4. (Levi) 3. Belphie 4. Beel 4. Levi 4. Lucifer 7. Asmo

That must look a little weird; I hope I’ve piqued your interest!

Now, what am I defining as falling for MC?  For consistency, we’re going to consider a brother falling for MC being the moment when they themself realize that they might have feelings for them.

#1 Demon: Satan Moment: As early as day 4

First up is Satan, who I’ve already explained here.  An argument can be made that Mammon catches feelings first, but assuming a real-time progression, Satan’s first text reaches MC on their fourth day in the Devildom.

#2 Demon: Mammon Moment: Lesson 4-1

Mammon is interesting, because with this analysis he’s one of only two brothers for which you can actually get a calendar date for their falling for MC.  You can do this because the first few lessons cover a very short span of time.

According to the fact that Lucifer says you don’t want to be late on your first day of school after giving you a hint about Goldie, MC makes a pact with Mammon on their second day in the Devildom. (You don’t go to school on day 1.)

Lucifer blocks MC from the attic on the night of day 3, and after that things get shaky again until you hit the TSL movie night with Beel and Mammon.

The reason the movie night is interesting is because Beel specifically states that midterms are coming up soon.  Based on the game’s Japanese origin, we’re going to assume that RAD also follows the same three-term system that Japanese schools do.  This places the TSL marathon at about a month into MC’s stay.

Anyway, we’re basing Mammon’s interest in you on pretty obvious factors:

We basically don’t see any of Mammon’s trademark tsundere nature until after these lessons.  Before this it’s not him being tsundere, he’s genuinely annoyed with you.

He left a toothbrush and charger in your room sometime between Lesson 3-10 and 4-4.

This famous line: 

He probably developed feelings sometime during the TSL marathon, but I think it was when you were in danger, and even though he kept saying he’d let you die his first instinct was to save you, that he understood what those feelings were.

#3.  Demon: (Lucifer) Moment: Lesson 12-19

Crossed out and in parentheses Lucifer is the first one where we start to go off of assumptions and headcanon rather than concrete in game evidence, but.  I’m sure your bigger question is “why is he crossed out AND in parentheses AND why does he show up again later.”

The moment I listed is the lesson where you and Lucifer have to fall in love to escape the “horror game” that Levi “trapped” you in.  He spends most of the time seeming like he isn’t interested and doing it out of necessity, but then he turns around and says these lines.

Assuming that was almost a confession, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided right there, in that moment, that he was developing feelings.  Lucifer is very self aware, and very sure of himself, and it’s also not like him to suddenly change his mind about how he’s treating things.  If he was hiding his feelings the whole time, I don’t think he would have almost slipped at all.

Of course, right after this, you announce that you’ve met Belphegor, and his developing feelings are overshadowed by rage.

And of course, Lesson 12-19 never happened.

What?

Let me remind you of the timeline.  Barbatos explains in Lesson 16-19 that he has the power to choose any timeline as the sole reality, and he chose the timeline you traveled to.

When you jump back in time, you end up in the moment right after making a pact with Satan (Lesson 12-10).  This means that everything that happened between Lessons 12-10 and 15-17 was erased from history.

The timeline in Season One looks a little something like this, to simplify.

Admittedly, we don’t know how far into their conversation MC and Lucifer make it in the second timeline, but on Lucifer’s part I don’t think it changes much.

This timeline stuff is important because

#4 Demon: (Leviathan) Moment: Lesson 14-4

Ok, first, I have to say that I really hate the way MC and Levi make up in Lesson 14.  imo it has the potential to be really manipulative on both sides.  But that’s not the point of this post.

Levi does NOT have a crush on you before Belphie shows up out of nowhere.  In Lesson 14-4, he’s talking to himself, and distinctly complains about losing a friend, and how Henry is his only friend.

He’s also refusing to acknowledge your existence, and he’s talking to a fish, so there’s no reason for him to hide how he really feels in the moment.

Then, later on in the same chapter, this is Levi’s response to seeing MC hug Lucifer.

I’m assuming MC isn’t the one he’s jealous of.  But what’s interesting here is that, as far as I can remember, this is the first time Levi ever expresses jealousy about you in any sense, platonic or romantic.  You don’t really interact with Levi one on one between Lesson 14-4 and this moment, so 14-4 is the most likely catalyst for this change.

Levi does say “you’re my true friend” at the end of 14-4, but you are not a fish, and that doesn’t change the fact that he could have been like “oh wow MC didn’t abandon me they really like me oh no I really like them”

Also, by 16-A he canonically likes you.

But just like with the last one, this exchange never happened and Levi never fell for you.

#3 Demon: Belphie Moment: Between Lessons 18-15 and 18-19

Now Belphie is interesting, because I would argue that he was trying to fall in love with you for a while.  All that “making up for lost time” and seeming to spend every waking hour with you in lessons 17 and 18 to me point pretty heavily to the idea that he wants to feel the same way about you that his brothers do.  Whether it’s to feel more connected with them or from a genuine interest in you is unclear though.

But then he decides to give you a pact as a present, which is a pretty big deal.  Most pacts in the game are made before the demon has feelings for you, but aside from Belphie, Satan is the only one who brings it up himself.  And since like I said Satan pretty clearly liked you before making a pact, the same can probably be said of Belphie.

I should also mention that Belphie muses over giving you a pact in Lesson 18-A, which takes place before Lesson 17-7 at the latest.  But we have to remember that this is before you’ve helped him mend his relationships with his brothers, and therefore he barely knows you.  Satan also barely knew you, but Belphie has the added problem of mixing up you and Lilith.  You can make arguments for the others when they were uber nice to you in Lesson 16-19, but for Belphie there’s really no other possible reason than Lilith.

However, Lesson 18-15 is the one where Belphie says he’s going to move forward with his life and stop putting things on hold for Lilith.

So, chances are his attachment to you is pretty unhealthy at first, but I’m choosing the timeframe I did as the moment because in 18-19 he explicitly states that he isn’t confusing you with Lilith.

This would be the moment of confirmation that he likes you, not the idea of what you might represent.

#4 Demon: Leviathan, Beelzebub, Lucifer Moment: Sometime during the time skip

I don’t think we see these three fall for you on camera.  The time skip covers literal months, and I think they fall for you in somewhere in that long period of time.

I don’t think I need to tell you that Levi and Beel like you by the time Lesson 20 comes along, since they both confess to you.

Lucifer doesn’t explicitly confess, but if you choose to hug him, he says this

Which heavily implies that he wants to be the one most important to you.  Also, I don’t think he’d have made a pact at all otherwise.

#7 Demon: Asmodeus Moment: Lesson 19-17

For Asmo, I think we see the EXACT moment he realizes he’s in love with you.

First off, in Lesson 16-A he noticeably isn’t openly interested in you in any way other than superficially.  Granted, 16-A never happened, but it does confirm that he didn’t like you before then.

Then, in his part of Lesson 19, you go drinking with him.  Early in the night, he says this.

His answer to your prompt of romance suggests that he doesn’t understand the fact that he does like you like that, or at least that he’s in denial.

However, then you beat him at a drinking game, and the reality of you leaving him behind comes crashing down on him.

The drastic change makes me think that this is the very moment he understands his feelings.

--

And that’s it!  I hope this was an interesting read, and sorry again it took SO long.

[telehxhtrash]

I tend to see a lot of people say that Togashi will leave things uncertain and ambiguous in between Killua and Gon, and while it’s a possibility, I honestly don’t think it’s the most likely thing to happen, and if it did, ambiguous wouldn’t be the correct term to call it.

People often say that Togashi likes to play with ambiguity when it comes to queer matters. Yes, Togashi likes to play with gender. We get to see that through Kite, Pitou and Kalluto in HxH (although its arguable because Kite is definitely not cis). But when Togashi decides that a character is queer, or that there is a relationship going on between two characters, he doesn’t leave it ambiguous.

Togashi has created queer characters in 3 of his main works : Yu Yu Hakusho, Level E and Hunter x Hunter. And everytime he created those characters, he made damn sure that everyone knew that these characters were queer. No room for any sort of ambiguity.

The first examples I have are from Yu Yu Hakusho, with a character named Miyuki, and the other is from Level E, with a character named Kyoko Mikihisa.

For these two characters, Togashi made it so that they emphasized themselves that they were trans. It’s painted extremely clearly, that they were born in the wrong body. There’s literally no room for any sort of ambiguity here.

Togashi could’ve easily kept things ambiguous. There are plenty of ways he could’ve done it, keeping the character’s gender confusing. But he didn’t. He made it EXTRA clear that these characters were trans. This is mostly why I genuinely don’t believe you can describe Togashi’s queer rep as “ambiguous”. Because when the characters tell you themselves that they are, it’s canon. It’s not ambiguous.

Now, sometimes, Togashi likes to play it more subtle. He doesn’t make his characters say “I’m gay” or “I’m trans”, but he finds another way to say it.

In YYH, Togashi wrote a gay character : Itsuki. And he’s canonically gay, because when talking about another man, Sensui, he mentions that he sees him as a lover.

It’s subtle. It’s not ambiguous.

Same thing for Alluka, Alluka never comes on screen and says “I’m a trans girl !”. The reason we know that Alluka is canonically a trans girl is because the Zoldycks insist on misgendering her, while Killua emphasizes that she’s a girl.

And once again, it’s subtle. Not ambiguous. Even though I’ve seen a lot of redditors say that “Alluka’s gender is ambiguous”, Togashi is literally doing his utmost to highlight subtly that yes, Alluka is a trans girl.

But subtlety is not canon’s enemy. Not everything has to be painted clearly for it to be canon. Sometimes, you just have to piece every little clue together yourself. Just because the word “trans” is never canonically stated in HxH concerning Alluka, it doesn’t make her any less of a trans girl. Because as the audience, we UNDERSTOOD from the subtext and from the clash in gendering that she is trans.

So, yes, Togashi likes to be subtle. But subtlety doesn’t make things any less canon.

I’m drifting a bit to non-queer matters, but I also want to talk about two relationships in Togashi’s work that were canonically romantic, but subtle.

The first is Meruem and Komugi. It’s canon that the nature of their relationship was romantic. They never did couple-y things, or even kissed. But it doesn’t make the nature of their relationship ambiguous. Because it was once again, subtle, but drowning in subtext that Togashi deliberately put there.

Togashi paralleled Killua saying that him dying with Gon would be a shinjuu (lover’s suicide), only for it to not happen in the end - but Togashi wanted to throw that word in. So we could have it at the back of our heads. Because when Meruem and Komugi died, it was a shinjuu. It was two lovers dying by the same method with the belief that they’d be united in the afterlife. Meruem only cared about spending his last moments playing with Komugi. They both said that they were only born to experience this moment, of being in pure bliss as they die together. When Komugi replies to Meruem and says that she’ll join him in death, she uses an old phrasing used to accept marriages proposals. They died holding hands.

It was subtle, but canon. Because of all these clues and all the subtext Togashi planted, it is undeniable that their relationship was romantic. And they never kissed, never said “i love you”, but we still know : and that’s the beauty of subtlety.

Because yes, romance can be subtle AND canon.

Another example of a canon romantic relationship that was never officialized by a kiss : Keiko and Yusuke in Yu Yu Hakusho. Correct me if I’m wrong, but while they kissed in the anime, they never kiss in the manga.

But a relationship doesn’t need to be canonized by a kiss. I’ve never seen/read YYH, but while I was doing research, I read that their relationship grew naturally over the course of the manga. That they grew together, were affectionate with each other, but never told each other the nature of their feelings. Until one specific moment towards the end of the manga where this happens:

All of this came naturally. No big confession, just a confirmation of what they both felt. And no kiss either ! No hand holding, no true “romantic” actions, either before or after that chapter. Just feelings. I’m quoting one of the post I used as reference, but “On one hand it's beautiful to finally hear it, but on the other, it's not even surprising. You find yourself caught off guard by how easily you're willing to accept that these two have felt this way throughout the entire series.”

And while it’s subtle, because you’d expect at least a kiss or something, it’s canon and undeniable that their relationship is romantic. It’s clear that the two of them are in love, even if they never kissed. Because it was clear from the beginning that this was where their relationship was going : all the building up to that one moment where they both basically tell each other “oh yeah, btw, i love you”. A simple confirmation of what they both knew, and of what we as readers knew too.

I guess my point is that Togashi can insist on the nature of his characters and relationships. He insisted that Miyuki, Mikihisa and Alluka were trans. But sometimes he also likes to be subtle, and not put everything plainly. But the subtlety doesn’t discredit its the canon legitimacy.

Now, onto what it means for Killua and Gon. 

I emphasized that Togashi liked to highlight when his characters are queer. There are absolutely NO DOUBTS that Miyuki and Alluka are trans girls, Mikihisa a trans man and that Itsuki was gay. It’s in canon. But they were all brought up differently, and it was either confirmed by them saying it themselves or by the context and subtext surrounding their queer identity.

But Togashi never left it ambiguous. We always had canon confirmation that they were queer. What I’m saying is, there’s a very, very high probability that Killua is gay and in love with Gon. We’ve seen it in the incredible amount of subtext deliberately placed by Togashi. And like I said, Togashi never left the nature of his queer characters ambiguous. So it’s highly likely that Togashi will confirm in canon at some point that Killua is gay. 

Now, while it’s likely Togashi will canonize Killua being queer plainly by either him saying it or subtext (just like Alluka), it doesn’t mean that his relationship with Gon will be canonized plainly too.

I mentioned earlier that Komugi/Meruem and Keiko/Yusuke’s relationships were subtle, while undeniably romantic. So maybe this will be the case for Killua and Gon’s relationship too. It looks like Togashi’s style for writing romance is show, not tell, thus making it a possibility that it’ll be the same for Killua and Gon.

But I can assert with 100% certainty that Togashi will NOT leave their relationship ambiguous. Maybe it’ll be subtle, but NOT ambiguous. Just like Meruem/Komugi and Yusuke/Keiko.

Killua and Gon’s relationship is the backbone of HxH, and it’s very clear that Togashi’s intent from the beginning of the story was to canonize it as a love story. When Togashi wrote Killua, he incorporated elements of Tanabata, a legend about two lovers, in his story, and made Tanabata his birthday. Togashi queer coded Killua from the beginning, and I honestly doubt that he would never canonize it, when it was his intent to queer code him from the beginning. He made the both of them have an extremely deep relationship, being each other’s most important person. Combine this with all the subtext, and yeah, it’s pretty clear that HxH is a love story.

So yes, Togashi wouldn’t leave ambiguous something he planned from the beginning of the story. Especially since HxH is his first chance at writing a manga and being able to do everything he wants with it. Especially when Togashi’s gay manga got turned down 30 years ago.

I mentioned Togashi never leaving stuff ambiguous, but rather either putting it plainly or more subtly. And honestly, I’m thinking it’s going to be a mix of both for Killua and Gon. A mix of subtlety and undeniable proof of the romantic nature of their relationship. Exactly like Yusuke and Keiko’s relationship. 

I feel like Killua and Gon’s relationship perfectly mirrors Yusuke and Keiko’s, and I can totally picture it following the same patterns. By having their relationship grow even deeper as they reunite, with no explicit romantic gestures, just deep, deep feelings. Until ultimately, they both confirm it one way or another. 

I could literally picture Gon turning to Killua, telling him out of the blue something they’ll do when they get married, Killua being confused but Gon saying something like “Well, I wanna get married to you Killua. Don’t you want to?” and Killua almost choking but saying that yeah, he’d like that. Plain and simple. No romantic gesture. No kiss, no hand holding, no feelings confession under the stars. Just a mutual assessment of what they both already knew.

But honestly, I’m saying all this to try and be objective, but I’m not in Togashi’s head. Togashi could also very much go absolutely crazy and make Killua and Gon share a kiss, hold hands, affirm their love out loud, Because it’s his first chance at being free to do what he wants with his manga. And because he’s been wanting to draw a gay manga for a while, he might want to emphasize that HxH is queer.

Especially when it seems like Togashi likes to incorporate shoujo elements in his work.

And as @/sincerelysamedt mentioned in her wonderful post, queer relationships are often dismissed as platonic in media, and that it’s important to overplay it to canonize it efficiently. And Togashi is probably aware of this. Hence Killua’s stuttering, blushing, the constant gay poetic lines Gon tells Killua about how he’s so glad he met him, Killua’s inner monologues comparing Gon to light itself, multiple characters highlighting their mutual love, a date under the stars where they mutually affirm their want to stay together and travel the world while they both blush.........Togashi didn’t have to go THIS hard, but he did.

These panels highlight the difference between the subtle relationships I talked about above. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Togashi represented Yusuke or Keiko having internal monologues about how they wanted to stay with the other forever or poetically comparing each other to light. It proves that while Togashi likes to play it subtle, he's also not afraid to put extremely cliché shoujo tropes and heartfelt moments in his narrative too. Maybe he’s aware that internalized homophobia might pose a problem to the narrative he’s trying to convey, and thus he might be enclined to overplay it. 

When you keep in mind that Togashi most likely wrote Killua and Gon with the intent of making their relationship a love story, you can see that he’s never really written with the intent of being ambiguous or even subtle, providing us with multiple intense scenes of mutual devotion. And that’s one thing that’s leading me to believe he wouldn’t shy away from delivering highly emotional scenes that would canonize their mutual love. Because their relationship has never truly been portrayed as subtle, or ambiguous, it’s just.... developing.

So yeah, it could go either way ! Either Togashi will decide to paint it subtly like every relationship he’s painted in the past, or he’ll either decide to go all out and maybe show us an extremely heartfelt confession under the stars, maybe even an on-screen kiss (the latter option being highly likely considering all the very emotional scenes between them we’ve already had) - (EDIT : i wrote a post on why i believe there’ll be an explicit confession if you want to read it !)

But one thing is certain : it will never stay ambiguous, because Togashi has never painted any of his queer characters or the relationships between his characters as ambiguous, Subtle, yes. Ambiguous, no.