#''oh idk how to do this. fuck''
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so much of my blogging whenever I have classes is complaining about them but erm. in my defense they're stressful and overwhelming
#So ermm to vent a little bit#i dont know how to do anything on my own so the expectance for me to be able to for these classes is a lot#Like for this thing i need to write an essay outline based on an introduction paragraph only. which i think? means i have to find sources#for the details on my own. which i dont know how to do#i do know /technically/ but i dont know whats good information and trustworthy sources and also there's so much stuff to sort through#i was never taught how to do it and now when i try its just. confusing and frustrating and exhausting and makes me too upset to even keep#trying to work#and im not even sure what all of these points in the outline means because where it probably wouldve been explained was the lecture which#was canceled and the powerpoint for this week doesnt cover it#and there's the textbook but textbooks are nothing to me i cant process and retain information from them#which hey sucks for my online classes that are wholey based around teaching yourself from the textbooks#(but i cant do in person classes due to transportation reasons + mental health reasons)#but augh#im such a guy who cant do anything by myself and getting the amount of help i need isnt an option idek how to ask for any amount of help#like yeah email my professors but tell them what? i dont know how to do the class i signed up for?#that i dont know how to do basics 101 school shit? like im confused about some of the work and by some i pretty much mean all#and eaugh its not a frustration i can push through because trying to push through it just makes it worse it tips past#''oh idk how to do this. fuck''#into ''oh god i dont know anything about how to function im literally worthless''#which. i think i said earlier? makes it so i cant. work on anything anymore.#but also its not an option for me not to work bc i cant fail bc ill be expelled or whatever and charged money and what then#joyousposting#negative //#anyway sorry for getting suicide ideation over school back to regularly scheduled blorboposting or whatever
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I am a good person. I am a powerful person, I don't believe in evil. I think that evil is an idea created by others to avoid dealing with their own nature. I understand my own nature, good and evil have nothing to do with it.
#this is specifically post canon in a way idk how to articulate and also pertains to super specific headcanons idk how to articulate either.#I'm normal. I'm normal . I'm normal#The implications of Tommy becoming gman didn't do anything to my brain chemistry it's like fine. I'm like. Normal.#[LIE DETECTED]#SORRY . YOU CAN TRY AND ASK ME ABOUT IT BUT ILL PROBABLY JUST. MAKE NOISES AND GESTURE VAUGELY#it's so fucked. It's so fucked up. Oh my god#tommy coolatta#benry#benrey#hlvrai#half life vr ai#half life vr but the ai is self aware#...#tomrey#..........#CAUSE LIKE. OK. its implied gman does Something with Benry at the end of hlvrai. I think he's in some form of stasis like gordon.#do you guys remember. Holly's benry stream. Yeag#BUT LIKE... OKAY.... with Tommy being gman this is again not just some creep keeping anyone in stasis. It's TOMMY.#It's TOMMY and those are his FRIENDS yknow.#Is he protecting benry? Is he protecting everyone else from benry? WHOS TO SAY . who's to say.#I don't knowwwwwwwwwwwww#ouuighhghhh#This could be a companion piece to the Tommy & Gordon one I did months ago. Aoughhh#My art
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just this
#funny#humor#lol#memes#jokes#tumblr humor#funny memes#haha#funny post#funny shit#lol memes#dank memes#best memes#joke#tumblr memes#hilarious#hahaha#idk what else to tag#womp womp#idk how to tag this#oh well#i dont know#idk man#idk#idk what im doing#wtf is going on#what the fuck#wtf is this#what even#wtf
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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*clasps your shoulders gently and looks you straight in the eye*
Keferon. Please read Ninth by Kyn on AO3. I think you would love it very much. It has a large chapter count, but don't be intimidated, it's very easy to get into. It is currently unfinished, but is being updated regularly.
You are the seventh person that recommended this fic to me so ahahahaha yeah
Iām doing great Help I hate some parts of it but I love the other parts Iām spinning in the blender
ā¦..I made the moodboardā¦.
#chapter 37#of 120 or something#I must be like 90k words in haha#large word count is not an intimidation. Itās an invitation haha#I love the fics that I canāt read in just one hour:)#I gotta say I donāt enjoy the concept of making robots into organic life#itās just my preference#seeing them as humans or animals or whatever feels so fucking wrong#the concept itself drives me off#like. Strongly#But at the same time. This fic isnāt about them being āhaha cute organicsā#itās āoh god. I was turned into something Iām notā#instead of teeheee theyāre fluffy#itās please free me from this fucking nightmare. please let me be myself again.#idk how to explain. I resonate I guess#it often feels very disturbing but the characters are also disturbed#So now Iām kind of stuck reading this fic because I just canāt stop lol#just politely skipping the parts that make me too uncomfortable#also#the body horror isā¦.damn. Impressive. I didnāt expect to read about grotesque fleshy creature turning itself inside out#itās not even aesthetic or symbolic#it literally looks like a fucking nightmare. Which is impressive also.#the flesh is g r o s s#the beginning got me struggling and skipping#but the intermission is currently ruining my sleep schedule#oh fuckā¦.I usually send my posts to the authors of the fics I readā¦..but I feel like I might offend the author of Ninth if do thisā¦ā¦..#thereās a tiny chance theyāre following meā¦.if itās true then I wanna tell Iām sorry pls donāt take this seriously#your fic got me waay out of my comfort zone#huge points for writing Ratchet. Drift in this fic isā¦the grossest fucking thing I could probably imagine but Ratchet doesnāt even hesitate#he helps him and he cares for him. Which isā¦..imma be real my first instinct would be to set Drift on fire to end his misery
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āpeeta is bisexualā you guys are losing the vision. peeta isnāt even straight. katniss INVENTED sexuality for him. whatever katniss identifies as, heās like āyeah, iāll take that oneā no questions asked
#katnissexual#iām joking btw#and i agree with yall#he says youāve ruined all other women for me#yeah twink we know#the hunger games#katniss everdeen#thg#nightlocked-in#everlark#peeta mellark#hunger games headcanon#hunger games incorrect quotes#thg incorrect quotes#bisexual peeta#peeta whatās your sexuality?#idk#what do u mean u donāt know#iāve never thought about it#well i meanā¦ do you like guys? do u like girls?#he thinks for a secondā¦. girl#just one#katniss he says#iām convinced in modern auās when heās dating someone else he just pictures katniss when fucking and then feels horribly guilty for it later#peeta why donāt you look at me during sex?#huh? oh glimmer uhā¦ i just get distracted by how uhā¦ good it feels. yeah that haha#katniss was his first love in every thing and not only was she his first love she was his ONLY love#so heās never even considered being attracted to girls besides her#so when he tries to date he finds girls that are objectively attractive but on a scale of 1 to katniss they are still 1ās to him#and that never stops being a problem
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Charles' thing is that he wants to feel alive and that's part of the reason why he decided to never move on to the afterlife right? Meanwhile Edwin thinks Charles will move on and that he'll be alone again because 'he isn't good with people'.
But then when the Night Nurse shows up a second time Charles is ready to go wherever -including Hell- as long as Edwin shouldn't have to go back there, meanwhile Edwin refuses that they be split up, and both are okay with being sent together to the Lost and Found Department to be sorted out later as long as they're together-
#does this make sense#like#charles -> stay on earth#then charles is like -> fuck earth edwin nĀ°1#edwin -> stay out of hell and wander alone ig#then edwin -> stay with charles#although you can argue that charles wanted to stick around the one dude that was nice to him since the start but like#idk how to explain it#he'd rather argue for edwin's case than argue to stay on earth#edwin not going back to hell is his main goal in the discussion#meanwhile edwin's goal is that they stay together + that he doesn't go back to hell#i do wonder what it would've looked like if they'd gone to the lost and found department#do they try to escape it#does charles find out where he was headed#anyways another day of being very normal about this show#dead boy detectives#charles rowland#edwin payne#paynland#payneland#i know that charles' whole motivation isn't just that he wishes he were still alive and that he wish he hadn't had his life stolen from him#but my thoughts are not coherent enough for any type of deep character analysis essay and i would probably mischaracterize him horribly#wonder what was edwin's plan when he came out of hell cuz he went back to his highschool so was he just doing a bit of visiting#āoh hello place where i diedā
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birthday boy š
#river dipping#theodore doe#matthias evanoff#a burning house to live in#echthroi#ts4#ts4 edit#simblr#ts4 screenshots#theo i hope you're having the most insane birthday sex rn i hope it's ******** and ***** and ***'** **** *** **** ***** :)<3#sorry i put off making your birthday edit for so long that i had to pivot and post this edit instead of the one i wanted </3#...very funny how similar this is to that LAST render i posted... well so WHAT!! if i think matthias looming is sexy!!#this is based on a photo that everyone was drawing their ocs as so really it's not MY fault he's back there clinging and being a freak#actually if y'all want this pose lmk... i'll share it but fyi it's only meant to be seen from the waist up and idk how it'd look#on a sim that doesn't have the same muscle mass and like. bulk. that matthias has......................................#just got rock hard after typing that... anyway.#HAPPY BIRTHDAY THEO <333333333 LOVE YOU SO MUCH I PROMISE I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING ON THE //ACTUAL// BIRTHDAY EDIT!! like .#posted abt this on the sideblog but the real edit i have planned for him is making me lose my fucking gourd#and it'll probably take me :))) a few more days to figure out#expect a depressing theo-as-a-teenager edit eventually tho. with writing!! accompanying it!!#matthias's face has changed again btw š i redid it almost immediately after i posted that first render attempt so he looks DIFFERENT!!#i posted screenshots of him in cas just the other day on my other acc and he looks so good in them i might post them here too#oh and!! this edit looks massively different than my last because this screenshot was taken with a new preset i made specifically for#the real birthday edit i'm working on... it's a hallway scene so i figured out depth and density to get this really cool fog effect#i'm really excited for it!! in my head the way it looks makes me crazy but idk if i can pull it off properly. but like i WAS SAYING!!#new preset is sooo sexy after i post this i'll reblog with the before and after to show you how good it looks even w/o any editing#like. the colors....... literally have always wanted a preset like this i'm so glad i spent yesterday fucking around with it#ALSO!! i've been doing those oc/ship dynamic templates for fun recently so i might post a few of them here soon#realize i'm rambling so much in these tags bc i haven't been here in forever kfjnkfjhn ummmmm. let me stop.#EVERYONE WISH THEO HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW š«µā¼
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Nick and Pearls
#still trying to figure out how I wanna draw Phoenix.. specifically his eyes itās hard for me to get em right#I couldnāt stop imagining Phoenix carrying Pearl on his shoulders during the investigation.. she was too worried abt maya that she#couldnt sleep!! I think its sweet she wanted to help with the investigation and tagged along#i think I do better with the investigation parts since its more like putting clues together.. but I suck at the trials cuz its hard to#keep up with their train of thought like. sometimes Iāll KNOW how to answer but idk what the right piece of evidence is#and the penalties make it nerve wracking but I wanna see it get put together#like āhow can I prove the suicide note is forgedā oh maybe I can use Celesteās photo since she signed it.. that way u can#compare the handwriting on the note right#WRONG u present the suicide note. I got fucking dinged for that sigh#ace attorney#aa#Phoenix wright#pearl fey#art#doodles
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Okay so Like a Dog doesn't really fit Mikoto and John at all except for this one line maybe, but I really wanted to draw them in the pose.
Plus I wanted to make myself a new phone wallpaper that incorporates PAFL in some way.
No filter and text version under the cut
#milgram#milgram fanart#mikoto kayano#john kayano#john milgram#iris draws#fun fact: mikoto's eye was opened in my sketch but i couldn't make it look right#but hey it could represent mikoto willingly being in denial and refusing to open his eyes or something#~ symbolism woooooo#oh and the background is an edited screenshot from MeMe#anyway after drawing this i somehow fucked up my tablet#now it keeps drawing even when i'm just hovering/not even touching the screen#idk what to do#it's a veikk 1200 tablet if that helps#so i won't be drawing until i figure out how to fix that
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dumb tma fic idea: when michael becomes the distortion it's still technically bound to the eye because his contract never ended with the institute/the eye. and he has to come in like once a week to do paperwork or he'll feel ill
#bro imagine#elias: oh michael can you organise these folders pls? thanks#*an hour later*#michael: here's your paperwork :) *sets it down on the table and it clips into the fucking underground tunnels* whoopsies. okay bye#idk i find the concept of it being extremely angry about having to do mundane office work very funny#the interactions with gertrude omg....#first week would be awkward as hell like#michael: hello gertrude :)#gertrude#who did not anticipate this:...hello michael#passive aggressively taking statements#michael: hi welcome to the magnus institute- omg hi i haven't seen you in ages! ! ! how are you! ! !#his latest victim that somehow managed to get out: What The Fuck#tma michael#tma#michael tma#michael#michael distortion#michael the distortion#tma the distortion#the distortion#idk i may be the only one who finds this funny.... idk
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I once again dreamt about the oplita sparkling but these time is was lowkey angsty because megatron had kidnapped her to get to optimus and elita but he took one look at her in the kidnap cage thingy and basically went "that's my niece" and couldn't do anything but play tea party with her
#bear in mind she'd be like. 5 in human years#actually interest check would any one like to see more of oplita sparkling/glaux?#ha jokes on you im making more and shoving it down your throat anyway#The thing is she wasn't even scared she was actively talking to him MOSTLY ABOUT OPTIMUS AND HOW SAD HE GETS ABOUT MEGS#and was just like āšš šā but secretly āš« š„²šā#OH MY GOD I LOVE GLAUX THAT'S MY BABY LIKE ACTUALLY!!!#dreams are fucking insane like do I think tfone megs would actually be that sweet to his ex's sparkling? maybe idk I could see it#especially because glaux is shaping up to be like orion and if orion doesn't/can't talk to megatron. maybe his child can š#transformers#tf one elita#transformers one#tf one#optimus prime#tf one megatron#oplita#fan child#transformers oc#elita one#elita 1#orion pax#d 16#megatron#tf glaux
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I can't stop thinking about Colin on his travels. Colin, alone, on a journey to 17 different cities, across several countries. Colin on his own.
Colin who writes letter after letter, to his family, to his friends, and barely gets a response back. How long before he understands that they didn't get lost in the mail? How long until he realizes that, just like when he was a boy, no one has the time for him? The space for him? How many letters unanswered before he lets it finally take root and fester in his mind?
He could have died on that tour.
Would they even notice? Would they see when the letters slow until they cease? Would they wonder why? His mum, surely (maybe, possibly, but she has enough on her hands, besides, and he's never been a concern, in need of her assistance, before), but anyone else? Anthony on his honeymoon, Eloise a stormcloud personified, Benedict taking on the familial responsibilities, Fran preparing for the marriage mart and in Bath, regardless. Daphne, his closest sister, a mum running her own estate.
Greg and Hyacinth who enjoy his stories, but are children.
Pen who ignores him. No explanation, no goodbye.
Colin who has no one in his corner. Colin who travels city to city, putting on personas. Will they like me? What about now? Colin who has hardly anything to read from the people he loves. Who do not think of him.
And yet he thinks of them. Brings them back gifts, writes his recollections for them until it hits him that, oh, they don't care. They don't care what he's doing, how he's doing. They didn't want to hear it before, when he was there with them, and they do not want to hear it now, either. Did they even open those envelopes? Did they see them come through the post, just as proof he's alive, and shrug off the contents? Did they look? Once, Colin sends an empty page. No one notices. Easier, then, to send just the outsides. People only ever care about the outsides. Pretty and prim in neat packages, uncaring of what lies beneath. Sea sick on the rocking boats, staring up at stars on the continent, Colin grows aware, but not bitter. Sad, but resigned.
He loves his family, he loves Pen, loves them to grace, loves them to it's okay. It was him, he determines. Too chatty, his letters too long, uninteresting, his passions dull or droll, or else, worse, he's displeased them in some way. Colin who takes refuge in stranger's arms and homes, who dreams and tries to sate his curiosity. Colin who pretends, because anyone, anyone but him would be received better, he's sure of it. Colin who must talk too much, surely, and with no one to listen. Colin who learns to hush.
Yes. Remarkable- as in, I have many remarks about it.
How many times did he go to excitedly write of what he did that week, and stopped himself, knowing it was a waste? How many times did he write and throw into the fire a letter asking Why don't you see me? Why don't you care?
If he didn't make it, how long would it take for anyone to notice? A month? Two? A year? Would they wave it off as his frivolity, denounce him as a flake and fume about the funds? Would they wonder where it was he had lost himself off at?
He cannot fall into that, so, he writes in his journal, instead. Of the ache of it, of how he longs for connection, for understanding, for someone to take him seriously. He keeps it with him, this log of his discontent, of his folly and felicity, of his pitfalls and pains.
If he didn't make it, would they realize all that's left of him is what he sent them, not even a body to bury? Did he look over the side of a bow of a boat and look at the churn of the ocean and think of how many bones it held? Did he tip his face to the sun? How many new scars did he earn? Who did he befriend?
Who did he become?
Somewhere along the line, Colin learned. He learned the real him wasn't wanted.
Somewhere along the line, somewhere between Patmos and Paris, Colin left Colin behind.
And, somewhere along the line, Colin laid face to face with loneliness in his bed, and it wrapped its arms around him.
#colin bridgerton#bridgerton#polin#say what you will- i understand why pen did it- but i still think ghosting your friend with no explanation#when he's off on a journey he could very well die on. . .not great#and what the fuck else was his family doing that they couldn't respond to his letters? they are aristocrats living in an off season#in the country- write a letter back to your son/brother who could perish in a land where no one knows him#idk i think about this a lot like colin was just. . .so uncared for and so unseen#he went off on travels to Europe in the early 1800s#anything could have killed him#and eloise last told him his letters slogged on and on and if he liked it so much he should have stayed#in an ideal world when colin said he apologized for what he said pen would ALSO apologize for not telling him sooner#i don't think she realizes just how lonely colin actually is#just how unseen he is#she thinks like so many others think that he's a popular man and oh so well regarded#that colin isn't real#colin isn't listened to- i wish more people would have empathy for him about that
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i do think peak comedy is a steve who is absolutely aware of the effect he has on people, but has never felt that way towards anyone else-- the closest he got was with nancy and robin, because he loved them both in different ways, and sometimes he felt like he was going to go insane if he didn't talk to them or touch them right now, but it was never like he had seen other people act about him. robin and nancy made him a better person. they didn't drive him to ridiculous levels of violence and obsession. maybe people in hawkins were just fucking weird.
and then he meets eddie, falls in love with eddie, and he's like... yeah, okay. alright. no, i get it. if anything happened to this guy i would steal the nuclear launch codes.
#steddie#jgkfldgj separate fic idea where everyone is talking about their best murder ideas as like a joke#nancy has a gun she's been thinking about longingly eddie's is dramatic argyle's is disturbingly competent etc#and steve is just like how many of the government officials that we know do you think i would have to fuck to get access to the nukes#idk steve is the epitome of go big or go home To Me#like he's always the one put in situations and then he commits to the bit a thousand percent and is way more extra about it than everybody#he hit billy with a fucking car . do u get that#nancy was like im gonna shoot at him like a normal person in an action film#and steve was like oh the vehicle im currently in? before airbags were invented? im gonna send it full speed into that guy#as you fucking do#the only one in the upside down mostly naked and shoeless btw#like ???? do u think this is die hard u bitch bc that hasnt come out yet#what was i talking about its 2 am
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you ever forget you have different usernames in different places? Anyway I remembered how to use Tumblr just for u mwah š²š„°
22~ kiss with tongue
#guys how the fuck do i do this iDK HOW TO DO THISSSSSS#im like oh my god. they are. theyre th KISSINGF. LIKE THAT? DO I NEED TO STEP OUTSDE LIKE WHAT#narumitsu#also you guys canāt stop me from making every single one of these 7yg beanix + investigations edgeworth U CANT STOP ME#wrightworth#smooches#fan art#aa#rendoodles
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I canāt stop thinking of how despite it baffling most non-brits, and most of the Hollywood a-list audience, David Tennant decided to do a skit on his little lockdown rpf show, make a bunch of puns that only people familiar with British culture would get, wear a kilt and be his usual manic self when hosting an internationally prestigious award show
fucking power move
#And the fact that he actually succeeded#Most of the Americans had no idea what was going on but they just had to play along#He literally held them as hostages and said āhaha Iām doing this my style and you have no choice but to enjoy itā#Sorry I just canāt stop thinking of this#The funniest part was how the audience was so confused and were like āidk whatās happening but I think Iām having a good time?ā#Also let me subject you to some banter with my husband#Itās literally his world even Bradley cooper is just living in it#Turning up and literally going āoh Iām not nervous. Yeah tomorrow I go back to doing my actual job. This is just funā#The power to do whatever the fuck you want in front of half of Hollywood#david tennant#michael sheen
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