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jjunieworld · 1 year ago

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24. the beating heart ⸝ ˚⋆

↳ half written, half texts. word count: 4.9k

— SOOBIN’S POV —

soobin sighed deeply as he got into his car.

what more could sakura have? what more could she do to ruin his life and hurt y/n even more than she already is? soobin banged his hand off his steering wheel, causing the horn to honk loudly, scaring a group of people walking by. he pulled out of the parking lot and made his way to sakura’s place.

sakura’s place was different in the daylight and without all of the people and security guards crowding it. he pulled up to the gate and before he could even get out to press the button, it automatically opened. he pulled through and parked his car in the roundabout driveway.

soobin slammed his door shut and walked up to the door. he knocked three times and waited.

if there was something else out there that could hurt y/n, he needed to destroy it while he was here. he’s already done enough to her. she doesn’t need more added on to it.

the door flung open and he was greeted with a smiling sakura, ushering him in. she took him to the fourth floor and into her room, urging him to sit on the bed and wait.

“get to the fucking point, sakura. what else do you have?” soobin spat out angrily as he stood near the door. sakura look back at him and sighed, rolling her eyes slightly.

“remember when we use to be friends?” she replied.

“no, i don’t.”

she came up to him and rested her hands on his bicep. “binnie, how many times do i have to say this. it was for your own good! you deserve to be with someone who’s at the same standards as you! not that poor wannabe who can’t tell the difference between a designer purse and a knockoff from the thrift store.” soobin moved her hands off of him.

sakura inhaled sharply and turned to sit on her bed. “you must want me to post the video of her finding out about the bet for everyone to see. imagine how fun it will be for everyone to get another laugh at it.” soobin’s heart dropped. there’s no way a video exists of that, right?

“poor little y/n, couldn’t keep up with the big shots and went tumbling. how sad.” sakura continued, a pout on her lips. it took everything in soobin not to lunge at her.

a thought of realization crossed soobin’s mind. sakura was lying. if she had a video of that night, it would’ve already been posted.

“you’re lying,” soobin firmly stated. the smug smirk on her face faltered briefly, but long enough for soobin to notice. it was his turn for a smirk to cross his face.

“if there was a video, you would’ve posted it already. you wouldn’t be able to help yourself. in your own words, ‘you like putting people in their place.’” anger flashed across sakura’s features as she swiftly stood to her feet. “what am i really doing here, sakura. and cut the shit. looking at you right now is pissing me off more and more by the second. what is your issue with y/n?”

the anger then turned into a sickly sweet smile. “you understand me so well, binnie.” she came up to soobin and wrapped her arms around him. or as well as she could since his arms were crossed against his chest.

“everything i do, i do for you! can’t you see? i did all of this so we could finally be together. we belong together. we always have.” she cupped his face with her hands. “i love you, soobin.”

she reached to pressed a kiss to his lips but soobin harshly pushed her off of him. sakura fell to the ground, landing hard on her butt. a hurt expression paints her features as she stares up at him.

anger buries soobin as he digs his fingernails in the palms of his hands. “you’re fucking delusional if you ever thought there would ever be a world in which i love you, let alone fucking like you. we’re done, sakura. don’t ever contact me again.” soobin stares her down to make sure she finally gets the message.

furious, sakura slowly rises to her feet, keeping eye contact with soobin. “you will regret this.” soobin raises an eyebrow, “will i? i’ve already done the thing i regret the most. this is nothing. once i leave here, i won’t even give you a second thought.”

he could tell his words cut her deep as the furious expression fell flat. all that there was left was pain. soobin didn’t care, it serves her right. he turned to leave and felt as she ran up to him, clinging onto his side.

“she will never be able to love you like i do! she’ll never understand you and know you like i do!” sakura frantically said. tears were streaming down her face, messing up her makeup. “we’re a match made in heaven, and you know it! you’re mine, and i’m yours.”

soobin pushed her off of him again, causing her to stumble backwards. “you’ve never known or understood me at all. can’t you see? you mean nothing to me. and y/n…? she means everything.”

soobin left her there, clinging to the edge of her dresser, sobbing loudly. he made his way outside to his car and drove off. all he desperately wanted to do was see y/n. to wrap his arms around her and hold her close to him.

soobin needed to figure out some way to show y/n how much he was genuinely sorry. how much that video didn’t actually reflect who he is. soobin needed to show y/n how much he truly and deeply loved her.

an idea crossed his mind. he knew just the thing.

it’s been days since your birthday. days since your heart was ripped out of your chest and stomped on. days since you’ve last seen soobin. and it didn’t hurt any less. if anything, it hurt more.

not that you’ve been helping yourself out. all you’ve been doing was looking at old photos and videos, rotting away in your bed in either his sweater or his hoodie. today was the sweater, the one he gave you on your first date. it didn’t smell like him anymore since you’ve washed it, but the fact that it was still his gave you comfort.

you got up from your bed. enough was enough, you at least needed some fresh air. deciding to take a walk, you slip on some actual clothes, deciding to keep his sweater on.

as you made your way out of the dorms, you didn’t really have an idea on where to walk to. maybe around the corner and back? that sounded good. you inhaled the crisp air deeply. the wind flowing over your skin.

you can tell soobin has been giving you space. the way he lingers when he sees you, words on the tip of his tongue. him leaving classes later than usual so you’re not on the same elevator. in the hallways you can feel his stare on you, gently caressing your mind. you just want to go up to him, take him into your arms, and kiss him until you run out of breath. you want, for just once, to close your eyes and see the two of you happily together. instead of that godforsaken night.

sighing, you put your headphones in, deciding to drown out the nature sounds around you.

there’s a deal you can make on a midnight walk alone. look around, listen close, hear it fall from above.

you wish that you could go back to before any of this even happened. to when he was still yours and you were still his. instead, you have this empty spot where your heart use to be.

it will ask what you’d give and what you’d take for it in return. i once went on such a walk and i found that i’d said…

it’s not that you had no idea where it had gone. you knew deep down that your heart was next to his, placed gingerly together, beating for him. maybe in another world you had his heart, instead of the hollow corridors that now occupy your chest.

you inhaled sharply as you tried not to let your tears fall and continued on your walk.

“i want someone to take this soul. i can’t bear to keep it, i’d give it just to give and all i will take are the consequences. will somebody take this soul?”

as you rounded the corner back to your dorms, your body felt extremely heavy. besides the couple of tears you shed, you haven’t really let yourself fully cry. break down and fall onto your knees dry heaving cry. clutching your chest as you try to form words that you know aren’t there, that you know can’t express the pain, cry.

you knew you desperately needed it, but it’s as if your body refused to let you crumble. like some sort of hope was still keeping you glued together, every last little piece. you couldn’t understand it. what hope we’re you holding on to?

the hope that you’ll wake up, still next to soobin in your bed on your birthday, and realize that this was all some horrible dream? a nightmare your mind created? that this was all part of some other elaborate plan and at any moment everyone will pop out of the shadows?

you had to be realistic with yourself. this is your life now. and you will never be able to move on, to take back your heart, if you don’t let yourself fall.

there’s a deal that i made. there’s a deal…

did you even want your heart back?

you step to the door of your dorm room and sigh inwardly. you go to unlock it to find that it’s already unlocked. your brows furrow, but you think nothing of it. it must be my friends, you think.

oh how you were wrong.

you push your door open and are suddenly face to face with soobin. your breath hitches in your throat as you stand frozen. it’s as if you were transported back to that horrible night. those same heartbreaking eyes staring back at you.

your friends were right, soobin’s face does look fucked up. maybe not as bad as it was before, but you can definitely see the remnants of it. his left eye is patchy with green and yellows. splotches of purple cover his nose. yeonjun was disappointed to hear that he didn’t break it, only slightly cracked and bruised it. his beautiful lips had a deep cut in them. all you wanted to do was take his face in your hands.

his eyes were slightly red and there were deep bags under his eyes. his hair stood in various directions and you could tell he’s been running his fingers through it. you just noticed that he was holding a bouquet of flowers. cornflowers, white tulips, and orchids with a singular red rose in the center. you wished you didn’t swoon at it all. you also noticed the brown bag on your nightstand filled with who knows what.

he walked up to you carefully, making sure to stop a couple feet away. “y/n, please just listen to me for a mome—“

“how did you get in here?” you cut him off. you were sure you locked the door before you left.

soobin rubbed his free hand on the back of his neck. “i picked the lock… i watched a couple youtube videos… i’m sorry, i’m just now realizing how creepy this all is.” you take out your headphones and shove them into the pocket of your jeans. he follows the motion, lingering on your top.

you mentally smack yourself. you’re wearing his sweater. your face heats up as you cross your arms, trying and failing miserably to cover the sweater.

“can we please talk?” soobin finally says after a long moment of silence. you sigh and shut the door. you walk past him and sit on your bed, motioning for him to sit across from you on the other. he does just that.

soobin then gingerly hands over the bouquet of flowers. “for you,” he says softly. you hesitate before taking them. you stay quiet as you tuck the flowers close to your chest.

he looks at you, defeated. “will you say something to me? anything? please… i can’t bear your silence.” you look at him blankly for a moment before turning to the bag on the nightstand. “what’s in the bag?”

soobin lights up briefly at your voice and reaches for the bag. “they’re sweets! i made them for you. was up all night making them actually… you like a lot of stuff so i made a bunch of different things since i couldn’t decide on one thing.” he rambled. he handed you the bag.

you took it with furrowed brows. “soobin, what is this?” you can practically see his heart leap at you saying his name. or maybe it was yours, you still weren’t sure. “you think you can break into my room with flowers and homemade baked goods and everything will be okay again?”

he raked his hands through his hair. “no. i know that isn’t going to fix things.” he took the bag from you and sat it back on the nightstand, then took the flowers and placed them in the empty vase on your desk. he sat back on the empty bed and looked down at his hands for a moment.

“i know i said i was going to give you the space and time you needed, but staying away from you is driving me crazy. everytime i close my eyes i see the way you looked at me that night. the way your heart broke right in front of me…” finally, soobin met your eyes, “i would do anything to change what happened. anything. can we please just go somewhere and talk? and after this, i’ll leave you alone forever if that’s what you want. but i can’t go on with my life without you knowing how much you mean to me. how much you’ll always mean to me. please y/n… please just talk to me and let me explain everything.”

you held back the tears in your eyes, held back all the pain and the memories with him being in front of you brought up. anger was the only thing that was left. “what more could you say? what could you possibly say that will explain every interaction between us being for a stupid bet?”

anger clouded you as you tried to push away the pain. “that all of this was just a game to you? to them.” you shook your head at yourself, more in disbelief and disappointment.

“oh, how naive i was! how naive i was to think that you, choi soobin, the golden boy, the boy who everyone loves, would ever fall for me. i should’ve listened to my friends when they tried to warn me about you. when they tried to tell me that nothing good would come out of this and to be careful. maybe i wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

you clenched your fists at your side and inhaled sharply. “but no, i was just so happy that the guy i was head over heels for would even give me the time of day. i thought, “no, soobin doesn’t seem like that type of guy. he’s different.” how fucking wrong i was.”

“please, y/n—“ you cut him off with a raised hand. “how wrong i was to think that everything between us was real. that the morning of my birthday was real. that you love me.”

“it was real! all of it was real for me, y/n. i swear to you. i love you.” soobin said desperately.

tears fell from soobin’s eyes. he slid to the floor in front of you on his knees. he put his forehead to your lap and desperately held onto your hands. “please y/n… i’m begging you. just let me do this one thing. let me explain everything to you and you’ll never see me again.” you can tell that your cheeks were now wet with fallen tears as well.

you wanted to run your hands through his hair and out of his face. wipe the tears from his face and tell him how much you still love him. but you couldn’t.

you wiped the tears furiously off your face and tried to breathe. it was haggard. you could feel your hands shake under his. it’s been days since you’ve been this close. days since you’ve last touched.

you inhaled sharply. “this is your last and final chance. your only chance… to explain this to me. to explain why you would do this to me.” he looked up to you, his eyes redder and his cheeks wet. you saw the hopeful gleam in his eyes. “to tell me if everything between us was a lie. to tell me if you ever actually loved me.”

soobin rose heavily to his feet, he still held onto your hands. reluctantly, he let go of them. you saw how his hands twitched after. “will you walk with me?”

the two of you ended up walking side by side together for a while. you can tell he was leading you somewhere from the deliberate turns that he made. the sun was just beginning to go down, pink streaks of color breaking through the blue sky.

you were walking through a path connected to the woods. you were by the park he took you to when he first asked you to be his girlfriend. the path broke out into a small isolated clearing and you froze in your tracks as you held your breath.

in front of you was a field of cornflowers, your favorite flower. you put a hand to your mouth as you looked around. soobin looked back at you, noticing the fact that you weren’t beside him anymore, and stopped to watch you take in the scene.

you noticed there was already a small blanket laid out in an empty part where there were no flowers. gently, soobin took your hand and guided you there. you sat down a little bit away from him and tried to focus on the conversation that you were about to have. you played with the end of his sweater as you waited for him to speak.

“i just want to start by saying that i’m really, really sorry y/n. about all of it. about even agreeing to the bet in the first place, about breaking your heart for the first time when i took my anger out on you, and about breaking your heart for the second time when i kept the whole bet aspect a secret from you and ultimately having you get hurt in the end. i didn’t want you to get hurt, i tried everything in my power for it to not happen. but a relationship built on lies will fall eventually, and i kept trying to seal the cracks with more lies.”

he ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath before continuing. “so here is the complete and utter truth. the day we first spoke, by the elevator, that wasn’t by chance. i waited to speak to you, i even made up a lie about taking a sociology class so i could meet you at the cafe later that day and have you “help” me figure it out. then i proposed the dinner idea so i could get the bet rolling.”

you looked down to the blanket you were sitting on and squeezed your hands into fists to stop them from shaking. you knew it. deep down, you knew it.

“that was the first and last thing in our relationship that i ever did for that bet,” soobin said. you looked up to him to find he was already staring at you. you had a hard time believing his words.

“i know you don’t believe me, but i swear to you i’m telling the truth. when we had our first date, it’s like my eyes were opened. you’re everything that i ever wanted, and i knew from the moment i took you back to your dorm room and we kissed that i severely fucked up. i was already harboring feelings for you and i didn’t understand them because nobody has ever made me feel the way that you do. so that’s when i ignored you and everything at sakura’s party happened.”

your mind flashed back to those events. you drunk texting soobin and asking him why he’s ignoring you. his hurtful words. you telling soobin to meet you at the cafe and him explaining his feelings for you like he’s doing now.

“by then, i was barely speaking to… my friends…” he trailed off. he didn’t have to tell you for you to understand that they weren’t his friends anymore. “i told you, i wanted to keep you all to myself. the way they spoke about you… it made me so angry that if i were around them for any longer someone would’ve ended up dead.”

soobin shook his head slightly to clear the emotions. “for a while, i forgot all about the bet. until one day taehyun asked me when i was gonna stop pretending that i wasn’t in love with you.” he breathed in deeply as if he was reliving the conversation. “it felt like my world came crashing down around me. that was when i truly knew that it was over, that i couldn’t pretend that the bet was never a thing.”

you breathed in shakily. “were you ever going to tell me? or were you going to keep going and let me figure it out on my own?” you asked him.

“the night i came to your dorm, when jake and hueningkai caught us together, i was going to tell you. i was. but the words got stuck in my throat and i just couldn’t. i couldn’t hurt you.”

“you not telling me and letting me find out in front of everyone on my birthday hurt me more. you let me be humiliated all because you couldn’t own up to what you’ve done.” anger laced with the pain in your voice.

he closed his eyes at your words and his eyebrows knitted together. “i know,” he said, low and soft. “i know. and i’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen. and i’ll never forgive myself for watching you get hurt in front of everyone. and i’ll never forgive myself, ever, because i can never take back what happened. and i’m sorry, y/n. i’m so sorry i can't take it back and change the way things happened.”

you didn’t want to ask him, but you had to know. you had to know the truth. “did you ever love me?”

his answer was immediate, “yes. of course, more than anything. i still love you more than anything. i will always love you more than anything. that’s never ever going to change. i love you so much that words can’t express how i truly and genuinely feel for you. everytime i’m away from you my soul calls out to yours and everytime i’m with you it sings from how complete it is. i love you, y/n. and i’m sorry that i ever made you question that.”

soobin scooted closer to you, but stopped himself before he got too close. his body sagged and it looked like the weight of the world was holding him down. “and my words may mean nothing to you, but please know i mean it with every fiber of my being when i say this… i’ve meant every word i told you. every touch, every kiss, every longing look… i meant. and no matter how much i wish i could turn back time and change the past, once again, i can’t. i can’t fix the past, so please y/n… please let me try and save our future. you already have my heart and forever it will beat for you.”

you wanted to stand in front of him so you could look down on him and tell him the truth. how your chest is empty. how the only thing that echos through it are all the mistakes he’s made. how there’s nothing there. but quietly, tucked away behind the door you locked all your feelings in, you heard it.

the beating heart. his beating heart. you couldn’t help the tears that fell from your eyes. the tears that turned into full blown sobs.

and finally, what you’ve felt like you’ve been waiting for for a lifetime, soobin held you in his arms. you buried your face in his chest and heard your own heart beating back to you.

and soobin was right, with him, you felt complete. “and you have mine,” you whispered. he wrapped his arms around you tighter.

the two of you stayed like that for a while, in the clearing surrounded by cornflowers, until the sun went completely down. until only the moonlight could guide you.

soobin walked you back to your dorm and in front of your room you hesitated. you were exhausted and no doubt your eyes were puffy from all the crying you did. you turned to him, running your hands through his hair and getting it out of his eyes. he leaned into your touch and closed his eyes, sighing softly. you brought your hands back to your side and took a deep breath.

“i love you, soobin. and i want us to work, you don’t know how desperately i want us to work. but i still need time. i need time to process everything that has happened today, and i still need to process everything that happened in the past—“

soobin quickly cut you off. “i’ll wait however long it takes. i’ll wait until the end of the world if i have to. as long as you don’t take your heart away from me. let me have it, let me keep it safe. i promise i will keep it safe.”

you sighed and he put his forehead against yours. you closed your eyes as you resisted the urge to press your lips against his. for once in the days since your birthday, you didn’t see painful memories when you closed your eyes.

“this is the last time. you don’t have any more chances after this,” you whispered. “keep my heart safe.” you pulled away and went to turn to enter your room but soobin grabbed your arm.

he placed your hand to his chest and put his hand over it. he looked longingly at you and then took a step back. you knew what he meant. forever.

you went into your room and shut the door behind you, sliding down it as more tears fell from your eyes. you buried your face into your hands and tried to stifle your sobs. ultimately, you decided that after today you needed long, hot shower.

when you came out of the bathroom to get dressed, you were shocked to see more of soobin’s hoodies and sweaters laying with your clothes. there was a note on top of them.

if you decide you don’t ever want to talk or see me again, at least take these. even if you throw them away, i will at least get to be with you in some way one last time.

deciding that you don’t want to shed anymore tears today, you slipped one of the hoodies he left for you on. his scent surrounded you and you had to lean against the wall next to your dresser for support. you dug your hands into the pocket and found that there was another note. it was addressed to you and was slightly worn.

to my beautiful beautiful y/n,

i love you more than there are stars in the sky. your smile shines brighter than all of them combined. with you, i’ve never felt more alive. i’m just glad that i get to call you mine.

— binnie, your love

p.s. sorry if this is cheesy… i can't wait to let you know how much you mean to me.

your hand covered your mouth as you brought the note close to your chest. he must’ve written this when the two of you were still together, but when? you examined the small note further and noticed a date written in the middle of the back of the note.

it was from the day you caught your friends spying on your date at the diner. you didn’t know whether to laugh at how cheesy the note definitely was, or cry at the fact that he loved you all this time. did he mean to leave this note in this hoodie?

as you examined it further, you realized it was the hoodie he was wearing that day. and the note was written on a ripped off piece of the menu from the diner. it had to be by accident.

you gingerly placed the note inside a drawer in your desk for safe keeping. you then laid on your bed and wrapped the hoodie around you tighter. you just couldn’t believe everything that has happened today.

your heart—his heart—swelled in your chest. finally, you nodded off to sleep, dreaming of you and him under the stars in a field of cornflowers.

masterlist.

summary: choi soobin has always been the popular kid surrounded by his popular friends. y/n… not so much. one night, soobin and his friends make bet that soobin can’t get y/n to date him in a month. unfortunately for y/n, they’re a hopeless romantic.

A/N: one thing about me… i’m gonna write a long ass love confession😁 literally was possessed by shonda rhimes herself for it lmao early chapter for all my babygirls, you’re welcome!

taglist: @imagineyour-kpopboy @gothgyuu @carengene @spooksh0wbabe @beargyuuzz @binluvsu (if your name is bold it wouldn’t let me tag you!)

— kipo <3

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