#⨀ Mad IQs || Self

[maykrisms]

was nobody going to tell me that samuel has some BANGER official art from a fallout shelter crossover i had no idea existed???

like. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. this is everything i've ever imagined while picturing amvs in my head while listening to music.

[decolonize-the-everything]

Had a tik tok in my Facebook memories that said something about how with anti-maskers it ultimately comes down to them perceiving doing things for others as weakness since they grew up in a hyper-individulistic society. It's them exerting autonomy and refusing to stop under peer pressure, largely just for the sake of fighting something since that's a strength. A value. "I don't let others tell me what to do because I can't be controlled"

Made me think that everyone else bought into the same type of individualistic rhetoric through pop psychology: having "good" boundaries means never needing others and always putting yourself before everyone else regardless of circumstance and especially if they make you feel any feeling you don't want to feel. ...Like guilty for not caring enough to keep wearing a mask in 2023. That's a strength. A value. "I don't let others tell me what to do because I love myself"

The conclusion here being: being needed/needing others is a threat to your autonomy which is a Value to protect.

And when you really think about it applies to more than masking; supporting BIPOC, watching the news, showing up to protests, etc.

"I'm already depressed, I can't handle it. I'm watching out for my own mental health by not participating"

"it's all woke which makes me feel like a bad person cuz Im a bigot so I only watch what validates my bias"

And personally I get a little suspicious when two sides defined by their opposite social values come to the same social conclusion.

You should too. This rhetoric is holding us back. Individualism is holding us back. People need people. It's not toxic or abusive or manipulative to admit that, no matter how much society has tried to make you believe otherwise.

Oppressed people needing allies and your friends who need help moving aren't violating your boundaries or "bad for your mental health" just because You don't want to show up AND not feel bad about it.

Can the generation that grew up screaming "I don't know how to teach you that you should care about other people" at boomers please stand up and take a heaping tablespoon of your own medicine.

And then show gen z how to swallow it because growing up in the social climate we millennials curated online hasn't exactly inspired feelings of confidence in others or the future.

Both of which we still care about right? We still care about other people and the future? Not just ourselves?

Just want to confirm that we haven't gone Full Boomer as a collective yet cuz at this rate I wouldn't be surprised if someone responded saying that being expected to care about their friends is akin communist dictatorship

And could this be a Red Scare Psyop meant to discourage you from finding community, collectivism, and mutual aid in a time where your hyper-individulistic behavior and beliefs are being exploited for record breaking profits in the name of capitalism?

[clock-06]

There’s this idea of a dynamic for BillFord that’s been causing havoc in my skull and begs for escape, so it’s gonna get to today.

Basically Ford is more self aware and catches onto the fact that Bill has fallen for him, and starts manipulating him back for his own goals. Cause Ford was already a mad scientist, there’s a reason Bill thought Ford would join him in weirdmaggedon (go re-read the Rudolph thing, he’s pretty unhinged)

Ford was nerdy as hell, and definitely took a psych class in college, and starts using operant conditioning on Bill. While Bill does have feelings for Ford, he still sees him as lesser, because he’s Human, and figures Sixer doesn’t have the capacity to manipulate or disobey him, and by the point it’s an active plan, Ford has conditioned him enough to not even check.

It’s a slow start, but Ford figures out that Bill is more willing to do things for him when he’s given rewards for it, ie, calling him “Muse” tends to make him put more effort into things, he has favorite sweaters that Ford wears and Bill will be more attentive to what Ford wants or needs when he’s wearing them. Eventually, Ford starts using these as rewards when Bill is forwarding Ford’s goals instead of his own, and very soon has a personal and trained dream demon.

By the time the Portal is fully built and operational, Bill has basically told the Henchmaniacs “Hey, we’ll do that apocalypse thing after IQ and I have a little research trip across a few dimensions, I’ve got to make sure he stays safe cause he’s my ticket to the portal” and they’re all like “excuse me fucking what no just kill him” and after the first few protesting comments end with the utterer in dust, the rest of the gang just shuts up, most of whom vow to get Sixer killed while he and Bill are traveling together.

Because everything’s going according to plan, Stanley isn’t called to the Shack to hide the journals, but rather to protect the shack and journals while Ford is traveling. It’s a very confusing letter, and by the time Stan determines that it’s actually real, he barely gets there in time to watch his brother disappear through the portal before it autolocks and shuts down. He still starts up the Mystery Shack because he feels weird about the money Ford left him, unsure if it’s actually real, and needs a way of income. The twins still do come to visit for the summer, and Stanley still legally becomes Stanford as a cover story, but it’s not a car crash this time because Ford left behind an intricate plan for how to erase him without leaving any trace and Stan goes “well I’m wanted for a lot of crimes, I’ll just use this for myself.”

There is more Bill memorabilia around the house because Ford wants to be able to keep an eye on what Stan is doing, and Dipper does find the third Journal, hidden in the floorboards beneath his bed, and the pages on bill contain a detailed account of his powers as well as invisible ink containing the plans for Weirdmaggedon that Ford knows Bill has. This leads to Dipper fucking hyperventilating and trying to warn them all about Bill, which is very awkward when he comes back through the portal, lying contentedly in Ford’s fluffy hair.

TLDR: Ford realizes two can play the manipulation game and plays with Bill’s feelings for his own benefit, and Stan gets the shack because Ford goes through the portal to keep researching and writing his journals with an overpowered dream demon happily pressed under his heel

[majestick-posts-op]

The Strawhats are all very smart once you think about it that its almost scary.

You got the obvious ones like Robin being a schoolar with tons of knowledge covering many topics as well as being a critical thinker, as well as Nami not only being a god tier navigator since the age of 8, but also having elevated street smarts.

Then you have Usopp, who is a jack of all traits who mastered multiple mediums such as art, snipery, botanics, engeniring and mechanics and was SELF TAUGHT until the timeskip. And Franky, who was tutored by a (fish)man who was given the title of best shipwrught in the world and managed to rebuild hinself after an usually fatala incident.

Sanji is sonething of a critical thinker too when he isn't h#rny, remember: he saved everybody back at Alabasta and Water 7 through wits alone. Jimbei is a mature and natural leader with an above average skillset too, both in general knowledge and helmanship.

Chopper is only 17 yet he is already at the level of fully trained doctors like Marco and Law, he can foud a cure for a terminal virus made by a former MADS member in less than a hour! And Brook isn't only a great musician (which takes both skill and smarts) but he also found ways to use his devil fruit in innovative new ways.

Even Luffy, despite everything, has great emotional intelligence as well as being a genius when it comes to his fight IQ, he developed all of his gears and trasformations by himself with minimal help with gear 4 only. And the "help" was only giving him more resources. He truly deserves more credit than he gets for his accomplisments and intelligence.

And even if you include Vivi in the mix she has great skills as a diplomat and politician and sports an unbelievable level or maturity for her age.

So yeah, everybody really is seriously smart on the Sunny.

Except Zoro he's a dumbass.

[wishmaster]

My roommate and I are some of the smarter guys in our college, and we're doing the same degree. We don't look like complete nerds, we don't have glasses and the like, but you can tell we're more indoors-y. So I ended up outperforming him and I'm set to take his spot for a project he wanted to do, he got really mad at me. I told him I got the placement fair and square and I've gotta look out for my own interests here. Then he pulled out his phone and got on some app and started typing furiously. He told me I won't think that way for long, that I'll start looking out for him over anyone else, that he'll make me his hot himbo boyfriend. I just laughed him off and was about to walk away, until he said he's gonna make sure to change me real slow, day to day I'll be changing bit by bit: straight nerd today, loving jock down the line. He sounded serious, but that couldn't possibly happen, could it?

One day you wake up looking like a stereotypical nerd, which seemed odd at first .

Stressed and studying by the end of that day you suddenly find yourself in the gym, working out, fuck you never stepped foot in a gym in your life but suddenly you seem to be focused on getting, jacked.

Next morning you find yourself developing muscles, a full jock like body now occupied your skinny nerd self. Guys were impressed, you started getting called dude and bro as you found yourself drawn to the gym more and more.

The next day you awoke, looking more like a hipster jock boy covered in in ka nd piercings all the while you were unaware at how much IQ you had lost in the past few days. You laughed as you suddenly found all your smarts and knowledge had somehow been replaced by workout routines and just how much you loved your new smart boyfriend, he had enough brains for the both of you.

You looked in the mirror, you no longer needed contacts to see as you had spent your life in the gym not in front of a computer.

Fuck you were hot, you thought your body jacked now, your memory wiped, you were now nothing more than a gym bunny molded to be the perfect himbo boyfriend for your smart man. But blow back came hard for him and while he was smarter than you, the rivalry you once shared had warped him into some sort of Smart Jock as he wasn't as obsessed with gains as you but his body did keep him in great shape, hell he even had to wear glasses now because you wanted him to look like your smart nerdy boyfriend now, little did he know his revenge wish ended up changing him forever as well as both of you lost out to that project, instead going to another guy from your former circle of so called friends.

He waved to you from across the street, he had hacked your friends phone and made it so you both became himbo jocks.

You both stopped and stared at him, how could you guys be mad at such a loyal and loving boy as him since you now were both madly in love with him. You rushed across the street to shower him with your love and attention. Unaware of all you lost thanks to the pettiness of your former academic lives.

[anarchistmemecollective]

I noticed you have tagged posts ableist language on posts which I haven’t noticed the ableist language in. Sometimes in further reflection I can see why you have added that tag, and sometimes not. If you’ve ever got the time/inclination, could you explain some of the more nuanced ableist language usages?

sure thing! (and obviously, trigger warning for ableist language to follow)

I know many may feel I take a pretty radical stance, but i've studied enough linguistics to know how powerful the words we use can be, even when we don't intend it in that way. so I use the ableist language tag for when people are not being ableist but are using language which reinforces ableism. this can get a bit tricky as the people who are the subjects of ableist terms may often identify with or reclaim those terms, like calling someone a cripple is ableist, but many people self-identify as cripples, like the cripple punk movement.

I think they generally fall in three categories:

intelligence: stupid, idiot, moron, etc. intelligence and iq are not real, they're eugenicist myths and insulting people's intelligence only feeds these myths and serves the ruling class. build solidarity by seeing everyone as your equal. there is no moral value to having received a better or worse education than someone else. also many of these terms come directly from eugenics, such as their classifications of types or degrees of autism.

diagnoses: psycho, dumb, schizo, bipolar etc. these are real health conditions and i shouldn't have to explain why using them as insults is deeply offensive.

saneism: insane, crazy, mad, etc. the sane/insane dichotomy, if it was ever helpful, which I doubt, has been outdated for generations. there is no medical diagnosis of 'insane', there are hundreds of mental health conditions and an infinite number of combinations which we are barely beginning to understand. but none of them have or convey a moral value. using them as insults only stigmatizes those of us who have them, to the benefit of the ruling class and detriment of solidarity.

even if you are skeptical or attached to this language I'd challenge you to try not using it. you'll find it improves your vocabulary and your speaking and writing skills. not just that but it will deepen how you think about your fellow humans.

[gothlute]

Since you said it was okay to send you asks about Lute (and I really wanna talk about her ajshgs): do you have any headcanons for her as a character, fallenwings and/or guitarspear? :)

Also, as a doodle idea: fallen angel Lute!

I love this so much!!!!

Okay so the fallen angel Lute doodle will be done a bit later since I ordered a graphic tablet and I wanna draw it on it. I'll tag you!

Ive already made a post about Guitarspear headcanons too :D I might post more if I get ideas!

___________________________________________

Lute headcanons.

• Metalhead & likes goth music

• Had an emo phase, obviously, tho she won't admit it

• She's REALLY into music, either listening to it or making it. Adam and her make music together! She can sing and kinda play drums (tho she's a begginer)

• Her favorite bands is Type O negative

•Her favorite colors are black and red

• Super picky eater, and so is Adam

• High IQ, and possibly autistic, she gets told to get tested a LOT but she doesnt want to

• Is SUPER good at make up, she does her eyeliner super fast

• Very very good at strategy games. She's overall very smart and learns fast. The kind of kid to learn how to read super early and then get pissed at other kids because they can't do it

• Super serious most of the time, but the most unhinged mf with Adam because she trusts him deeply. She actually makes almost as much dirty jokes as him when it's just the two of them

• Both bi and homophobic : she was raised in a SUPER religious family and feels attraction to girls but is deeply ashamed of it.

• Had a situationship with Vaggie, but had too much internalized homophobia for it to work. She's SUPER bitter about it

• Pretty interested in mythology

-She's pretty muscular and very strong, she works out a LOT and pretty much all gay exorcists have/had some sort of crush on her (and everyone's aware of it except for herself)

• Wears a band shirt and black sweatpants like 50% of the time when out of uniform

• She would LOVE the Saw movies. They have gore, interesting lore and she'd love to learn about all the traps (she would wanna try them on demons LMAO)

___________________________________________

Now let's dive deeper into the Lute and Vaggie part.

Fallenwings headcanons (sorta)

!!CW interalized homophobia

I don't believe Vaggie and Lute dated. I do think they had something going on though.

To begin with, I think Lute is bisexual, with INSANE. amounts of internalized homophobia and religious guilt. She's plain homophobic, and thinks it's a sin, while ignoring the part of her that likes it. It has been easy at first because she wasn't into ONE specific girl.

But when she started liking Vaggie, everything was way harder. Her feelings were too hard to ignore. She felt genuine physical attraction, to the point where training with her was getting hard. Everything was complicated.

And Vaggie felt this way too. She started flirting with Lute, and even though she felt painfully guilty about it, she gave in.

They kissed a copious amount of times (never in public), slept together almost as much, and genuine feelings were developping for both of them.

But Lute's self hatred was only getting worse, and it was getting in the way. She would rather die than make their relationship official (though let's be honest you'd have to be blind to miss the sexual tension during training), and Vaggie had to constantly remind Lute that it was okay, that it didn't make her a sinner.

She didn't believe it.

She sometimes pushed Vaggie away when she initiated any contact, even chaste and friendly, and got very cold and disgusted to talk to her. Because after all, she's gay.

Vaggie tried to be as understanding as possible, but it was getting too far.

Her and Lute got into an argument.

Vaggie was like "this is stupid, you insist that we hide when we see eachother, you seem uncomfortable and it's clear that you don't really like me SO we should probably just stop". She wasnt that mad just a bit annoyed and sad

Except Lute took it very badly, and got VERY defensive and mad, because Vaggie was right. She got mean and lashed out on her, Vaggie left and they just...stopped talking

Basically, Vaggie thinks Lute used her to "try it with a girl" while Lute had actual feelings, and she HATES Vaggie because she let her see her weaknesses and thinks she's disgusting for making her fall for her!! She was a lesbian after all.

+ She betrayed heaven and it was OVER. It was the proof Lute was waiting for, proof that Vaggie was just a filthy sinner, disgusting, that she deserved to rot in hell, and that Lute's little phase was over, probably a test from God she passed.

Sometimes, Lute still dreams of the filthy sinner, of her sweet words and the warmth of her embrace. She still feels all warm when seeing two girls kiss, she still gets jealous. But she knows better than to indulge in those feelings now, she's a warrior.

[bep1erfics]

boysplanet trainees - lalala&okokok trend pt. 1

context 💌

‘lalala’ is the more outgoing, bubbly person while ‘okokok’ is the more laid back and chill one. for example you could even describe them as the talker & the listener!

　　　♪───Ｏ（≧∇≦）Ｏ────♪

over me team ❗️

ricky: okokok 💿

- he’s more quiet & self reserved. LOVES SNACKING ISTG ANYWHERE HE GOES HE CARRIES 193837 snacks in his pockets tysm gyuvin

- when people talk, he listens with open ears

- he’s SO shy skdjdjdb, everytime he makes eye contact he looks the other way AND SHIFTS HIS EYES TOWARDS THE FLOOR 😭 protect this boy at all costs

jeonghyeon: lalala 🎀

- literally is ricky’s other half, GENIUS LEE OOPS omg i love leejeong hes so quirky

- the biggest extrovert ever, cries easily

- radiates the biggest babygirl energy, bffs with all the trainees on boys planet which i think is so cute 😭 i would literally die for jeonghyeon

zhanghao: okokok 💿

- this man is literally the smartest guy ever. he might be cute, but in reality he’s literally so self aware. probs has an iq of 394738

- gives off father vibes. YUJIN & OLLIE are literally his children, if you’re younger than him he’s automatically your dad

- he listens to everyone’s opinions and is the calmest person on the show after ricky 😭

kuanjui: okokok 🎀

- the most extroverted of all extroverts

- CAN LITERALLY BLEND IN WITH ANY FRIENDGROUP, lights everything up with his bubbly and courageous personality

- zhanghao’s bff, they’re like the cutest duo (don’t be mad haobin stan’s i think haobin is cute as well)

jay: okokok 💿

- man’s is an introvert as well

- chill but is SO EASY TO PISS OFF like when ricky missed his highfive on purpose? HE WAS PISSED LMAO

- i feel like he’s a good friend to others though, like he would def comfort you if needed

switch team 🍭

kamden: lalala + okokok 🍰

- HE’S THE AWKWARDEST GUY ON EARTH. you talk to him? he doesn’t listen, he literally spaces out like pou

- you would think he’s introverted but he’s an esfp?! kamden is an EXTROVERT?

- socially awkward and an extrovert… the more you know

keita: lalala 🎀

- CUTEST GUY, he literally also blends in with any friendgroup easily

- you could bicker with him and bc he’s so loud, you would automatically lose in a span of 2 mins. this guy would beat you up with his chatter

- HES CUTE POSITIVE LOUD i love keita

taerae: okokok 💿

- HES APART OF THE GYARUZ but is like the shyest of all shy people….. AFTER HIS TAEEEERRIAAAA HE LITERALLY SHOVED HIS FACE ON HIS BED I CANT DO THIS

- not with those two toned pants. it screams INTROVERTED

- he’s a grandpa. THE GUITAR???????? THE CLOTHES???????????????? he’s so grandpa coded

phanbin: lalala 🎀

- istg he’s such an outgoing person, so funny and talented I LOVE YOU PHANBIN

- YOU PUT HIM WITH JUNHYEON????? a mistake. YOU PUT HIM WITH WOONGGI????? a fight will break out. YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE? he dances like a literal legend

- gaslight gatekeep girl boss vote for phanbin

jongwoo: no comment i’m so sorry i’m not gonna do him… he needs to leave g group alone. the xenophobia IS NOT IT. 😒 sorry

shuaibo: NEITHER????? LALALA??!?!?

- you can tell he’s a really self reserved person, BUT THIS MIGHT BE BC OF THE LANGUAGE BARRIER IDK BUT HE LOVES HIS CAT AND THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. 🐈

- ITS SO HARD BC mnet didn’t give him enough screentime but he’s a lovely person 😭 evil edits did him DIRTYYYYY, he’s so cute and bubbly but fr he wanted to go home ASAP during episode 11 he was literally sleeping 😅

- #zhangshuaibowewillmissyou

supercharger team 🐥

ollie: lalala 🎀

- cutest person ever (poor guy got e worded)

- loves to tease ricky, always screaming lovelicky (😭)

- he’s a bit introverted, but with the yuehuaz he’s the most cheerful person, chocolate in a human form 🍫

haruto: lalala 🎀

- LOUD, the mood maker of g group, he’s so funny 😭

- honestly has the best humour ever. HIS INSTAGRAM STORIES ARE SO FUNNY ISTG bro even tells us how often he 💩… tmi alert

- haruto is so goofy 😭 but yeah he gets emotional easily, poor guy

woonggi: lalala 🎀

- ANOTHER GOOFBALL. sassiest queen ever like we could be besties

- woonggi, seowon & taerae are literally so sassy i love it

- also can be friends with ANYONE he meets. YOU WALK INTO A ROOM WITH CHA WOONGGI? you walk out of that door twerking, screaming WOONGGI BOYYYY

(ollie was a victim of this.)

seowon: okokok 💿

- seowon is literally the calmer version of woonggi

- looks at everyone so endearingly it makes me sob how he got eliminated

- GYARUZ ON TOP

zihao: okokok 💿

- haruto’s husband, HE WAS THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE WAS FRUSTRATED DURING SUPERCHARGER 😭

- UMMM I HONESTLY DONT KNOW like zihao is all giggles if mnet gave him screentime we could’ve seen his more serious side

- on a side note, zihao seems like the sweetest person ever on boys planet 😭 farewell i’m so mad he got eliminated

takuto: lalala 🎀

- THIS GUY DOES NOT STOP TOYANAGA TAKUTO-ING

- oml he’s so clueless… LIKE YK WHEN HE LIFTED UP HIS SHIRT AND RICKY + SEONGMIN HAD TO HOLD HIM BACK FROM REVEALING HIS nonexistent abs

- he was such a bright person… BUT FR FAREWELL TO SUPERCHARGER TEAM YOU WILL BE MISSED

[majachee]

how different are the Archie turtles from the 87 ones? I haven’t read Archie and really don’t want to

Fairly different, I'd say.

Spoilers for archie for those who care. Wouldn't rec reading it tho

Most obvious case is Raphael, because Mikey and Leo don't really do anything.

He's like an odd mix of the more classic, angrier Raphs and 87's flamboyant, sarcastic Raph.

He likes fighting, but I think it might be a release of some sort because he can't lash out at the things he's actually mad about: his life/situation. He is very pessimistic about his place in the world, and if Archie was written by more competent writers it could've been SOO GOOOOOD

When he first got with Ninjara during the weird Hiroshima arc, he literally almost got sucked into Hell because of whatever negative thoughts were swirling around in his noggin. Like... are we not going to elaborate on that?? He actually gets trapped in Hell later on after Ninjara doxxed him, and I thought they were gonna bring up whatever's wrong with him because you needed a pure mind to get out of Hell... and they didn't. Ninjara apologized for doxxing him and he apologized for being a lil bitch and they escaped wahoo. (5 panels btw)

(Side note: they made Splinter a survivor of Hiroshima in these comics btw. I'm so glad I pirated these things... also the comics take place in the late 90s so Archie Splinter is like 60-80yro btw. I do NOT blame any1 for not wanting to read these 77 issues of nonsense HELP)

Raphael gets the most interesting character interactions/arcs imo, likely because he is clearly someone's fave.

Also he roughouses with his bros a lot more in Archie. And he wears a stipid as hell black latex stealth suit for like 30 issues iirc.

Mikey gets kidnapped by the American army once and that's the most important thing he does. I guess he still has his surfer accent, but he's just there in the BG for the most part. Least problematic character in Archie.

Leonardo doesn't really do anything, as I've said earlier. He likes talking about how much he hates guns. He's also a lot more serious and doesn't really have any discernable quirks (besides the gun thing)

He is very much a standard Leonardo boiled down to the basics. Ie: older brother, leader, protective, composed, serious... Boring. He's boring. He doesn't have the quirks or charm that 87 Leo has imo.

While 87 Leonardo is a pretty flat character, due to how the 87 series is written in general, he has a very caring, sincere personality and expressive interests shown throughout the show that adds to his charm. And he doesn't have that in Archie.

Archie Donatello... is more like 03 Donatello from what I've seen. I haven't seen the entirety of 03, but from what I've seen from clips, 03 Don is a lot more... calm? Compared to other Donnies?

Also haven't read the Mirage comics, and I've heard nothing about Mirage Donatello so I dunno how he is compared to the og

But yeah, he rambles about smart stuff but he isn't all that loud about it. "Tbf you need a very high IQ to understand the difference between physics and AP physics" -- Archie Don doesnt talk like that, god bless.

But also he invented time travel in the future, and that lead to like one single good arc, the mutanimals dying brutally, and the convoluted finale that revealed it was all a timeloop or smth... so yeah I have beef towards him for that one. His future self is p cool though, he also dies.

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Propaganda under the cut.

Miles "Tails" Prowler:

She’s not canonically a girl but she has so so so much trans swag in either direction. And she used napalm one time. in canon they are 8 years old and have the same 300 iq as the MAD SCIENTIST VILLAIN. i think she should get to kill and murder just a little. as a little oopsie daisy. and she definitely has the capacity to do damage. in sonic prime, her alt self, nine, is heavily implied to have KILLED or otherwise incapacitated their bullies.

Isabella:

Was raised in a child farm that sold its children off the be eaten by demons but as an alternative to being eaten she became a ""mom"" and started working at one of the farms and raised her own children to be eaten. 👍

[maykrisms]

i found my old art of samur's base outfit + ceremonial armor

he might be a seraph and have three sets of wings, but they're big, and he usually only summons one set at a time.

[turtleneck-crowley]

Wake up babes of the GO fandom turtleneck-crowley just dropped their most recent Magnus Opus🥰🥰🥰

Hey guys I am a eccentric genius artist of the century whose works will probably only be appreciated post mortem (self-diagnosed)

Im also very certain you would all blorbos me if I were a fictional character but alas I am a boring meat package that got birthed out of an afab physiology and thus a sack of mouldy potatoes might have been a more interesting source writing this post. (Pure hubris, part irrational resentment that you are all quite familiar with *cheeky hot wink*)

I happen to own a get out of jail free card called catch 22 which is crafted out of part sarcasm, part idgasinglefgtfoofmyfacei180dmycringethroughyearsofpainandselfrelctionthatim toocoolforyounow public image

(if you actually read that you deserve, well nothing actually except perhaps my condolences and a consensual pat on the back that implies my unlicensed diagnosis that you are in fact, not dyslexic)

Anyhow cracking on back to the sentence *sighs and rolls eyes with you*

(-I mean in the streets, not with you guys, here im babygirl with half a brain cell/true form), part wholesome idiocy, years of experience in masking, part looking presentable, part knowing how society and science and art works and trying to be in tact with my own sense of humanity as much as possible -at least to the point where I’m not breaking any humanitarian law…

And yes bitch the whole eccentric genius /madly passionate or passionately mad paradox catch 22 license holder is you af - want a gold star? ⭐️ (crowley ref) (affectionate banter)

Fact is tumblrinas like to heighten and balance their EQ and IQ agreed?

I’m hyper aware that you guys are smart enough to assess me as going through a manic phase that is on the verge of psychotic-having observed hints of madness in my recent posts deducing via your own experiences that I have gone through a strict diet of coffee, whiskey, smut that Neil Gaiman himself would tear his locks and Sir Terry Pratchett would roll in his grave, finished off with a nice slice of Hozier songs as dessert

(that’s on top of of a yet to be discovered food chain which I call the Antichrist diet footnote: please credit me after I die before my Tesla gets Edisoned

‘Tis actually a great alternative way to invoke a psychedelic experience in substitute of the more expensive and questionably unlawful way that is smoking crack *disclaimer not recommended for the faint hearted or those self-diagnosed as mentally stable)

You are perfectly correct! Here’s another gold star!!! ⭐️

In fact I am currently being yelled by my parents to come downstairs because I need to be dropped off to the asylum while I’m trying to actually do something that gives me joy (Joan of Arc eat your heart out) and I assure you I have eyes and witness my very legs , naked and hairy (and did I mention Im only wearing a slutty black bra and skirt that I wore as a swimming suit AND a pajama and now my back to the looney bin outfit?) leaving a perfectly good soup with baguettes as evidenced here

However, I would like to UNO reverse such a caring notion by giving you a purple heart 💜

and divert you with a fun little clip that displays our para social relationship that I am hoping has deepened through my superficial charm to portray our rendezvous as warm and familiar and human as our beloved Mr. Holmes and Doctor Watson:

No worries, Watson also came with the conslusion that the person he’s engaged with (more like to amiright- not us i mean, them, that’s where the analogy is cut off back into our real identities) is “not human”

Anyhow it might not be your cup of tea but at least hold the mug for a few minutes it’s worth it

Head fic: Gods of Sex and Idiocy

(If anything please see it as a game where we can title it better cause I’m shit at naming things - I call one of my plants Joe)

Hey Good Omens fandom

With the note of:

“who needs sane when you have creative”

-turtleneck-crowley

I have made a meta season 3 in my head and the stars have even sent me a playlist ??? (It’s the only one that seems to be downloaded on my wifi less phone)

Here’s the link:

Check out some of my latest posts

It’s really immersive and otherworldly

Down the rabbit hole and through the mirror you go 🐇🎩🪄

And what if season 1 is the ace route and season 2 is the sexual route so season 3 might be an aro route to defeating the enemy?

Ngk idk idc idgaf

I’m just like phone rn

(side note: why do I have the infinite capacity of taking pains (Sherlock reference) for being a mad artist instead of working on the next big physics formula answer? Good question: I’m actually just an emotional idiot aka sexy trash ✨ that’s addicted to blogging and I wouldn’t trade it for any other praise worthy status in the world 💜)

Honestly guys I sound like a sociopath but I’m really just very pained and fucked royally by circumstance that is too dramatic and gay for anyone except the loonies on tumblr to understand. I’m so disappointed by all this unjust pain and agony of the world- the children, the animals, the environment, the people that I have conditioned myself to display an eloquence so pungent it seems like I’m a cold manipulator. For if I ever showed myself for who I was to them- the judgers, the perverted, the scheming, I would surely be dead either by my own or someone else’s hands. Maybe I’m God and they just like tumblr and good omens and want to eat crepes in peace with the personality they split into 2 -preferably in Paris. Maybe they have been placed all the blame by the enemy and they are powerless to the human condition as you all are by an unknown enemy and is fated to be tortured in anxiety and pain invisible to all and the only infinite power they have is love that bleeds.

But I’ll give you and I both the peace of mind that I am an in fact just a mentally ill human whose life span is between the zones of expiration and fermentation, with a god complex, whom their closest people will never truly know how to care no matter how much they try- and in fact the more they try to help me the more they leave me in my original state- alone.

I leave you (no I’m not killing myself you idiot I’m going to the mental hospital to be molested by nightmares of demons - I literally experience it everyday- as they force me to take my sleeping pills which sinks me deeper into it-oh wait that’s kind of worse lmao) with this favorite piece of classical music of mine

Stay safe yall I love you

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - All the endings

March 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Bed Friend (Sat YT, GaGa & iQIYI uncut) ep 3 of 8 - Only one of them is in a fuck buddy relationship, and it’s not King Moon-eyes Husband-material. This show is so damn good. I love it when high heat is used to serve the characters and the narrative, as well as us fans. (In other words, take away the sexualized part of this relationship and the whole story would fall apart.) I suppose we should pay attention to Uea’s rules since they will all be broken. Uea has a bit of a demanding spoiled prince thing going and I’m not mad about it. This may be the most neck-kissy couple ever, I’m so happy for them! Yet another  installment in “Thailand, please get that boy to a therapist.” This ep likely has lots of extras so I might watch IQ as well. Child abuse trigger btw. 

Moonlight Chicken (Weds YT) eps 7-8fin - It was a good last 2 eps, and I ended up actually liking the complexity of the messiness more than I thought I would - disaster queer authenticity isn’t usually my thing. (Japan taught me that lesson the hard way). All in all, a stellar a little offering from GMMTV, in the Not Me or ITSAY vein of “I question whether it’s actually BL but like it anyway.” Full review and rating below.

Never Let Me Go (Tues YT) ep 12fin - The climax was rather predictably climatic (as it were). I love that Chopper shot his dad. Better aim next time, sweetheart? The cousins making up was sappy. Chopper & Ben were fine. Frankly, I’m not sure about PerthChimon’s chemistry, a bit nervous for their series now. And then Kdrama separation nation strikes again. Yawn. Question: Did the cute girl at Palm’s bar ever get her coconut juice? Full review and rating below. 

A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 1 of 10 - ForceBook in an office set boss/employee highly camp rom-com. Babe is a bit too slapstick for me, boss is a bit too creepy, and Book is def over egging the pudding. Well meaning chatterbox idiot is not my fav archetype. Bathroom meet cute? Huh. I don’t know. I don’t hate it, I guess?  

The Promise (Thai WeTV & YT) ep 1 of 10 - Popped into my YT feed so I gave it a try. Unexpectedly good! Phu & Nan are childhood bffs from middle school through college (almost lovers). Phu disappears just after graduation. After looking/waiting for him for ages, Nan gives up and self isolates, and the actual story takes place 10 years later. The arbitrary slapstick elements are unnecessary, disjoined, and rough. The show should have had the strength of its convictions just to be a serious drama. But it’s way better than expected (it’s about coffee, I love coffee) and no need to have watched the prequel miniseries Phupha | Nanfah. Phu’s granny and cohorts are THE BEST. Also elder queer rep. There better be a GREAT reason why Phu didn’t reach out to Nan or I will be seriously displeased. 

Chains of Heart (Sat iQIYI) 3 of 10 - I kind of love Ken’s slightly idiot gay couple friends. (I do love all of the queer family we are getting these days.) They better not betray him! Still, this is one of those shows where, despite his competency, we haven’t really been given a reason to like Ken all that much. I’m not super invested in his grief or his new romance. The captions are BONKERS but the sex scenes are good. I hope LueKen deliver as well as DinKen. Gotta say, despite my grumbling, I did enjoy it more this week. 

Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga & iQIYI) ep 1 of 10 - I am not a huge fan of the tsundere seme, especially if they are the older character. But this is a really good cast and for a pulp it’s actually okay acted and captioned. It’s cute. Campy. Old school Thai. I do like a flirty uke who knows what he wants. Lots of very prototypical tropes. Is it good? Well, no, but I’m still gonna watch it. 

Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - Terrible subs again. They a hot couple but Itt is a revolting character, asshole rather than brat. Day is VERY sexy tho. This one is messy and rough and will likely involve cheating AND the amnesia trope. I might put it onto the binge pile. 

Our Winter (Thai & Korea YT & TikTok under ThaiMiniSeries) eps 8-9 of 14 - TutorYim are cute. And nice to have decent music with Thai actors for a change. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

All the Liquors (Korea Thurs Gaga & Viki) ep 1-2 of 8 - Oh my God, breaking up with a man because he picked the wrong restaurant for a holiday meal is v relatable, but the reaction ”how can you break up with me before we’ve eaten?” is the best thing ever. I may identify with our baby party boy hedonist more than any other BL lead ever presented. I adore how Korea is leaning into “out gay boys” these days. Love love love the gay bestie. This is on the New Employee end of the KBL spectrum, no bad thing. Not sure about the alcoholism angle tho. Still, this is a fun show! I don’t even mind the crash into me trope when combined with baby is a floppy drunk trope. 

HIStory 5: Love in the Future (Taiwan Weds Viki) ep 10fin (or 19&20) - Not at all surprised that Vincent (Sam? How many names does this man need?) was pulling a double cross, because from the credits we knew the pairs get along. Couple’s necklaces and a sweet make up sequence for the sides. Nice sex scene and manufactured drama for the mains. Ultra cheese fest ending for all including random H4 couple. Full review and rating below. 

Jack o’Frost (Japan GaGa) ep 3 of 6 - The first time sex scene from the past was sweet and well done. That said, a traditional BL romance is not what this story is doing. It’s about 2 people at different points in a romantic journey, one of whom has memories of a failed relationship (and associated baggage) and the other who does not (so is starting at fresh). It’s using high concept to explore this, but that means (this beaning Japan) HEA is on shakey ground. Also, still running a bit low energy for me. 

It’s Airing But ...

Blue Sky Complex (Japan ???) 5 eps for VR - Kei Ichikawa's manga is getting a JBL adaptation. Weird distribution though, it started Feb 27 sequentially on 360 Channel (SHOCHIKUch) a VR video distribution service. Will inter-fans ever get to see this, and if it’s filmed for VR will it adapt without being overly dark and fuzzy? I have questions. But as usual, you do you Japan and we will wait (im)patiently to see if you remember the rest of the world exists. This is my preferred kind of live action yaoi, so fingers crossed: 

Boyband (Thai) ep 2 of 10 - Stopped airing on YouTube, and only available in Thailand & Japan. Not sure if they’re working a distribution deal or just fucking with us.

Cafe In Love (Thai ???) 10 eps on Ch3+ - Thai pulp, about trying to save a coffee shop. FairyGodBLer came through for me, but I’m collecting to binge just in case. It’s my new policy with the grey stuff.

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV Thailand) 10 eps - it’s not on any WeTV I can get ahold of. Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets Japanese handsome host club action. Same as above.

Heesu In Class 2 (Korea Thurs unknown, I check Viki Gaga iQIYI) - A gay(er) version of Sex Education. I’m still not sure this one is actually happening.

Finished This Week 

My Beautiful Man 2 AKA Utsukushii Kare Season 2 

These two have such a great DS dynamic. Only Hira would apologize for fucking and wanting to fuck his own boyfriend, but doing it anyway. Talk about a service top with a humiliation fetish. Sheesh. The masochism is strong with this one. (Since I do not deal with humiliation fetishists well, the cringe factor got to me a little.) Still, pouty jealous Kiyoi is the cutest. [One flaw: The photographer dude should have been played by Kenta. Just a little joke.] 

SUMMATION 

All in all, this 2nd season didn’t blow me away the way the 1st did. It was quieter and more uniform in its narrative and messaging - thus more predictable. The basic relationship misunderstanding remained the same - all about value and self worth and how that’s assessed. The result is a dialogue between imposter syndrome and a parasocial relationship. If these 2 only had the language and framework of BDSM to understand each other, than they would, but they don’t so the story is us watching them suffer for it. But that’s part of the fun. Part of their fun too, I think, as if the fighting and misunderstanding is just another one of their many kinks. An engaging and solid second installment that was so consistent, I’m going to keep the rating consistent too. 9/10 

HIStory 5: Love in the Future 

High concept of a man from the past traveling to Covid times and getting involved with a spoiled rich kid soon to be CEO that ultimately made for a dull story. Sides were stellar but intentional miscommunication as a narrative driver never works for me. Good chemistry, nice sex scenes, and a cheesy ending (90% of the time) is Taiwan’s BL brand. I expected nothing less. But there is a little part of me that hoped for something more. 7/10 

Never Let Me Go 

Bodyguard romance where poor boy must watch over rich boy for family obligation reasons. Simple premise well executed with a few bumps that made it feel like it was trying to tackle too much (when it wasn’t). Still, an enjoyable show that benefited from being handed to PondPhuwin who did a stellar job with their roles and chemistry. Is it going into permanent rewatch rotation? No, but a solid GMMTV offering. 8/10 

Moonlight Chicken 

I enjoyed this complicated little show, even though it’s spectacularly messy gay with lots of shrapnel and authentic pain. I thought EarthMix turned in their most compelling performance to date. But it was GeminiFourth who stole my heart.  That said, the most interesting central relationship was that of Jim & Li Ming, their father-son angst mixed with evident affection made me tear up. This was more slice of life than it was BL, but it ended happily so I’m not mad at it. 8/10 

Gossip

Apparently Pavel (my love) has been added to the cast of Pit Babe, a Thai BL series I thought was defunked (it was supposed to be out in Jan). So I’m happy. I also put it back on the 2023 tracking sheet. 

Tia51 announced upcoming sampler pack Thai BL My Universe. Normally I don’t report on Thai announcements, as they are pure speculation, but this one is reported to feature 22 actors, 11 couples, 12 stories, and 24 episodes in August 2023. STOP OR YOU’LL GO BLIND. (FB page BLUpdate2020 has a full rundown of the 12 stories.) No MDL listing that I can find. Giving the War or Y peeps a run for their money? Or just epic Thai BL lever pulp-tastic insanity?

New Pinoy BL Stay announced, 6 eps featuring boys who unexpectedly meet in Los Angeles. More here.

In case you missed it 

Jeff Satur is leaving BeOnCloud. Honestly, who tf didn’t see this coming? He just dropped a MV with SHAUN (Steal The Show). Jeff is one of the biggest Thai indies and Shaun is legacy Kpop indie. Jeff was and is always more focused on singing and that’s busted a pair before. Frankly speaking, he's ambitious and doesn’t need BeOnCloud. I’m a big believer in breaking from an agency if you have the platform to go it alone. And just because he’d not repped by them doesn’t me he can’t still work with them, sheesh calm down KP fandom. (Honestly this seems to be my mantra since that damn show aired.) 

Next Week Looks Like This:

03/08 - Pastsenger (Thai Gaga) 12 eps- Stars Marc (My Gear & Your Gown) and Cooper (My Engineer) both formerly paired with others, in a time travel paranormal that smacks of HIStory 5. Sunshine 90s kid travels to 2022, goes to university, encounters grumpy nerd.

03/09 - Our Dating Sim (Korea unknown) - What happens when two men, friends since schoo, meet again at work to create a dating simulation game together.

03/12 Future (Thai YouTube & Gaga?) 5 eps - Based on a y-novel by Faddest (En of Love - yeah I didn’t know that was based on a novel, either). About, you guessed it, an engineering student and a dentist. Maybe this will be the FOTS we were all hoping for? Fuse (the engineering student) is played by Boom from the En of Love and is kinda the same character (Field). I think we can expect this one to be soft, it’s from the 21 Day Theory people. (maybe March 19 international)

Full list of upcoming in March 2023 is here.

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

This Week in Subs of Qua?

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

I liked this scene in Moonlight Chicken so much I did a whole post about it. 

Chains of Heart the past relationship. can’t wait to see if they do as well with the present one. 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Peacemaker by P1Harmony (I’m considering stanning this group because their rap line is insane, everyone can dance, Theo is beautiful, and Keeho is an adorable nut job with a great voice. Talk about a boy who should do BL, and probably would without a care in the world. Stop him though, these boys are gonna be the next Monsta X.) 

[markedbystars]

fyi hating on men is a failure to decenter men , everytime you engage in low iq man bad gossip you have failed to decenter men and have given up your whole self concept to men men men men men men man bad man man hate man man man man man madness :)

this logic is so funny. everytime gay people talk about the homophobia they face from straight people they're failing to decentre straight people. everytime POC talk about racism from white people they're failing to decentre white people. this is an attempt at a gotcha so poorly thought out it'd be almost impressive if it weren't so glaringly stupid

[tcfactory]

imagine the horror sy would feel when he gets to see the aftermath of sqh meeting mbj. he was nervous and jumpy before, now hes terrified. theres bruises and breaks and black eyes that he desperately tries to play off as being clumsy. sj is paranoid and scared and yq is broken and traumatised. he gets to see the first flinch from "a-lou". he gets to see the flinch and sweat when someone asks to see yq's sword. they're all so scared. and he was content to just watch.

(Continuation from here)

The situation with Shang Qinghua is even worse once all of this crashes and burns, because it starts when Sang Qinghua is still a disciple and Shen Yuan is a peak lord. He's around for that, he could have prevented it from happening, but he didn't. He was really harsh on 'villainous, 0 IQ canon fodder', so when he sees that his An Ding shidi's new head disciple is a nervous wreck clearly hiding bruises and injuries, he simply thinks

"Oh, so that's the sect traitor. Must be really shit at both of his jobs to get beat up even by Mobei-jun, hah! No wonder he will be killed eventually. Serves you right, sucker."

and moves on with his day. Because why should he care about this shitty little backstabbing NPC? He treats this experience like one of those studio tours, where you can walk through all the set pieces and look at all the costumes laid out all nice before they start filming a show. Nothing here matters, the Plot will come and he has nothing to do with it (was Shen Qingqiu's shizun even named in PIDW? He doesn't remember, so probably not.), so why should he step in and change things? What if he messes with the set pieces (like chases Mobei-jun off) and it changes things. Like Mobei-jun never sets off the attack against the Immortal Alliance Conference and Luo Binghe never gets unsealed? No, better not meddle.

That, of course, comes back to haunt him when he realizes that all of these people around him are actually people. The detachment coming from his cultivation, age and the System's framing of the world as 'expanding on lore' really made him forget that he's not the only person in this setting. In the case of Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu he was ignorant, but in the case of Shang Qinghua he willingly looked away.

Shen Yuan ascends and as god of secrets he suddenly has extremely detailed insight into what all these people are trying to keep the most hidden about themselves - their fear, their pain, their shitty horrible backstories WTF Airplane-bro - and at that point he can't pretend anymore that they are all just the equivalent of papier-mâché trees.

And it really seems to be fear that makes this abusive cycle go around. Mobei-jun is afraid that his family will kill him (as they are actively trying to do) and Shang Qinghua is too good to be true, so he hits him. Shang Qinghua is terrified that Mobei-jun is going to hit him too hard in one of his fits and he never wakes up again. Fear, fear, fear everywhere.

Except for Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe, even as a child, is not afraid of the abuse or his shitty shizun. He's confused, disappointed, unhappy, but all of that is going to distill into hatred and resentment - and that's when Shen Yuan knows that he has to do something, he has to step in, because none of his scared beasts stand a chance against the thing festering behind Luo Binghe's angelic little face. He's the Protagonist and he's going to revisit every slight upon them a thousandfold.

Shen Yuan, who now has an intimate understanding of their emotional states and motivations (despite very much not wanting any of that, System, he just wanted to watch the Plot from somewhere safe!) doesn't want that. He doesn't want more pain and he doesn't want Luo Binghe to succumb to the hate and madness that's already starting to take root in him. He deserves better.

They all deserve better. And if he was too self-absorbed and stupid to prevent it, then all is left to do is try and salvage what he can.

Lucky for him, there's a lot of wiggle room in 'ascended master has foreseen a horrible calamity and descended to try and prevent it' so he has a lot of rope to work with, but it's going to be a difficult thing to set things right.

He has to stay as Shen Qingqiu too, no, System, he's not arguing about that, do something so Shen Jiu can't come back to his position right away (initiating: teen devil Jiu scenario - he's going to be fifteen and those not in the know will fully think Shen Qingqiu just separated into his good and his horrible attributes during his deviation, but his shitty self is somehow younger) and he has to do a good job of being a caring Shizun this time around. He has to be the one who steps in and stops the abuse.

All the while the people he's trying to protect the most are looking at him with fear and suspicion, because he sure as hell wasn't a reliable, trustworthy adult before, so trying to do it now when it looks like he has essentially stolen Shen Qingqiu's body during a qi-deviation so he could insert himself into the situation easier is... not a good look. At all.

He would have lived the rest of his life happier if he never had to see Shen Jiu break down crying because after how hard he worked and fought for his position and cultivation, his fucking deadbeat shizun descended and stole it all from him for the sake of convenience. His body is the same state it was when he first joined the sect and he doesn't care about Shen Yuan's awkward suggestions about plants and whatever to fix his wonky foundation, he will have to do all his breakthroughs and everything all over again and it's just too much. Part of the meltdown is definitely the body, with its teenage hormones and the mood-destabilizing effects of demonic cultivation still in his system, but he's not wrong. Shen Yuan has jumped into this, once again, without considering how any of the other people in the scenario feel and he destroyed whatever minuscule amount of trust Shen Jiu had in him.

Keep up the good work, host! ৻( •̀ ᗜ •́ ৻)

[fizzyxcustard]

Never.

Masterlist of fan fiction

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairings: Eleventh Doctor x OC

Warnings: Angst, insecurity, sadness, smut, first person POV

Summary: Sarah has been travelling with the Doctor and has fallen madly in love with the Time Lord. Will their feelings finally get the better of them?

Comments/Notes: I wrote this fic around 2014/15 and it is currently up on my AO3 page for reading, but I thought I would try it here and see how it goes. This is part 1 of 5, in a series called 'Cup of Tea and Jammie Dodgers'.

Currently I am keeping the tag list for this series completely separate from my main Follow Forever tag list, so if you'd like to be added to this tag list for Doctor Who, please let me know.

I hope you like the fic. As always, like, reblog and comment if you enjoy. If you wish to be added to any of my tag lists, let me know.

It didn’t matter how many times I tried to convince myself that he could love someone like me, I knew he never would. I was a mere human, nothing special, nothing fantastic. A man like him deserved an exotic woman from a distant planet who could match him mentally with her expertise in time travel and higher than average IQ. I couldn’t deliver on any of that. I was just a mediocre, run of the mill woman from central England.

The Doctor had come into my life quite by accident. He’d been the one to pick me up from a dark place and took me to the stars – literally. Over the time we’d travelled together in the TARDIS, he’d spoke of his previous companions and all of them seemed to have something to offer. But I just couldn’t see at all what had called him to take me to other worlds. Maybe I should have asked him as it was something I’d never brought myself to ask.

The last two or three days I’d tried my best to keep myself to myself while I let this confusion in my head unfold. Each day I’d retire quite early to the library or pool and so far he hadn’t really noticed. He was his usual self: bouncy, child-like, but always had that all too familiar sadness sitting behind his eyes. I’d only seen him cry once, but he’d smiled through the tears, pretending that he was being silly. But, to me, he’d never be silly. He was the most amazing man I’d ever known, and I’m sure everyone else that had met him thought exactly the same. So...why would I be any different?

The TARDIS, so far, had been big enough for me to hide. But not anymore. I was sat beside the pool, listening to my own thoughts, when I heard a gentle calling of my name. And there he was, stood in the doorway. When I first met him he hadn’t been the kind of man I’d have fallen for; he was boyish in his appearance with floppy hair, continuous hand gestures and a mad bowtie. Behind that and he was so much more. He was freedom, hope and a reason to live life expectantly. Since stepping on board the TARDIS, I woke up awaiting the wonder of a new world or the echoes of someone’s forgotten past.

He placed a freshly brewed cup of tea and a packet of Jammie Dodgers on the table beside me. His shoes squeaked on the tiles as he spun on his heel and sat on the edge of the recliner next to me.

“You don’t look dressed for swimming,” he said softly, looking at my attire of jeans and blouse.

“You never know what I might have hiding under here,” I laughed, looking down at my blouse, but as soon as I’d let the words fall off my lips, I realised my stupidity. I’d never been one to talk provocatively, no matter how hard I tried.

The Doctor let his expression gradually turn to a sad smile as he seemingly forgot my comment. Maybe he hadn’t seen the innuendo of it.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” he asked. “I had noticed even though you always tell me I don’t seem to notice anything.”

I sighed and shifted awkwardly in my seat. I wanted to tell him so badly how I felt. Every time I caught sight of him and I felt the butterflies set up residence in my stomach. I’d always been so guarded when it came to men and allowing myself to fall for them. There were still old scars inside me which hadn’t quite healed over completely. One of these scars was due to an old fiancée who had fallen out of love with me. He’d grown distant from me, finding more happiness in the company of others until he broke the relationship off. Maybe he hadn’t been the one so to speak, but he made me feel like I fit in with everyone else. With him and I could tell everyone that someone loved me. I could be like all my old co-workers and ex-school friends who I accidentally bumped into on the street. With the Doctor...oh, it was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Unknowingly, he’d taken me from that need to be ordinary and like everyone else, transforming me into something else. I was different now. I travelled through time and space with a mad man in a blue box. What was normal about that?

How could I just let everything spill out? I suddenly felt hot and flustered. I needed to run.

I got up from my seat quickly, ignoring his protests for me to come back. The tears began to fall down my cheeks and a lump rose in my throat.

Suddenly I felt his hand around my arm and I was turned quickly, although not forcefully.

I looked into his eyes, those deep set eyes that had become so beautiful to me. Gradually I backed up against the wall, but he stepped forward, keeping the distance between us minimal.

My heart thundered in my chest and I looked down, unable to keep eye contact. “You’re playing with me,” I said sternly. “Stop it!”

“Somehow I believe you’re the better one at teasing,” he replied. His eyes had grown darker with something I couldn’t, in that moment, admit to seeing there. I just couldn’t admit it to myself that he might possibly feel something for me.

Then he raised his hand and cupped my cheek, his thumb gently rubbing away the one tear that had clung there. “My dearest Sarah,” he whispered. “You just don’t see it. None of it. You think beauty lies in the constellations, nebulas and galaxies. But I see all of that when I look in your eyes.”

“You chose me to travel with you, but why? Everyone else that you’ve had as a companion has had more about them...”

“Shhhh,” he said, growing agitated. “There’s a reason for each one of you passing through those doors. The TARDIS knows who I need, and she chose you for me, Sarah.”

How could he speak to me like this when he was married to River Song? Did Time Lords have a twisted idea of marriage and then sneak off with concubines? He was confusing me, and I think he sensed that.

“Doctor, you’re married to River. Why do you think I’ve kept away from you?” I asked, moving aside and out of the door. “How can I stand in front of the man I love day after day and know nothing can ever come of it? I age and die, you regenerate. It’s as though life enjoys playing sick games with you.”

I dashed down the corridor, trying to find my way back towards my room, but each and every time I attempted to get away, I kept coming back to the entrance to the pool. The Doctor stood there with his arms crossed.

“You know how the TARDIS works, Sarah. Don’t keep running away. You need to face up to problems in your life rather than keep running,” he told me.

“Oh, you’re a fine one to say that to me seeing as you took me from home!” I shouted. “You run from your past every day, Doctor. And you stand there preaching to me about it.”

I could see the frustration growing on his face and with no other words spoken he approached me quickly, and kissed me.

I tried to pull away but he had his hands on my cheeks, keeping me against him. As his lips moved, I knew I couldn’t keep the running routine up. He weakened me and I stood there completely defenceless, responding to his kiss. My arms wound around his waist and I groaned beneath our locked lips.

Gradually we parted, our breaths heightened.

He smiled at me and then pressed his forehead against mine. “Never think you’re unimportant. Never!”

*

The Doctor excused himself from my company a short time later, promising to come and see me once he’d taken care of some calculations and such in the main console room.

I took a quick swim and then had a shower, washing all of the chlorine out of my hair. But all the way through I couldn’t take my mind off the Doctor. Smiles kept coming out of nowhere and I must have looked like a lunatic to anyone watching. However, I knew I needed to learn of his intentions. Where would any kind of relationship go from here? Or would it be nigh on impossible. For today I needed to forget it all and just enjoy the moment. Living in the moment for the sheer fun of it was something I’d never been able to do. My mind had always been locked on the future, stressing about the what ifs and maybes of life.

After the shower, I returned to my room only to find that the single bed which was against the wall had now turned into a double, centred amongst the simple furnishings.

What on earth was the TARDIS doing? I’d been told countless times how she needed to be sure of a person and only allowed those on board who were important and integral to the Doctor’s travels. What was the reason behind my presence?

I stepped further into the room and slipped a hand down onto the crisp, white bed sheets. A tingle shot up my back making me shiver. The Doctor... and me...in this bed.

The door shut behind me and as I turned I saw him. His tweed jacket was missing and his shirt sleeves were rolled up.

“Been busy?” I asked.

“Not as busy as I’d like to be,” he replied. “I think you’ll make sure I have my work cut out for me.”

One thing I knew was for certain: if I made love to him here, tonight, things would never be the same for me. I couldn’t let this be a one night stand. My heart was his, completely. But was his heart mine?

“Doctor,” I whispered. “I can’t.”

He smiled at me. “I know you enough by now to know why. Truth is, I know I’m married to River, but my heart...or hearts,” he began. He stopped and chuckled. “My hearts aren’t there. I care for River but not in the same way I care for you. In my last regeneration, I felt this way for someone else.”

“Rose?” I asked. I knew it was her. Sometimes the way he spoke about her made everything so clear. She’d been his first love. He’d speak about other companions from his last regeneration like Martha and Donna, but the regret and sadness wasn’t present in his voice like when he mentioned Rose. His previous companions from this regeneration, Amy and her husband, Rory, had been his best friends, sharing in so many of his trials and triumphs. Where I fit in, I didn’t quite know.

“But...I’m different, Sarah. In this form I have my memories, but the feelings disappear...some of them.”

“You said that you left a clone of yourself with Rose so she’d never be without you. How am I supposed to walk away from all of this without you? And I mean you as you are now.”

“Isn’t it better to taste love once even if it’s not meant to last, than never taste it at all?” he asked me.

All reason and control left me and I leaned up to kiss him.

My hands wound up in his hair as his drifted down me, causing goose bumps to rise on my skin. I couldn’t help but let out a groan, momentarily feeling embarrassment, but that soon dissipated as I found myself being disrobed.

His lips inspected me carefully, inch by inch as we made sure no more clothing could get in the way. And shortly after, we lay amongst the fresh covers. He was leaning over me, kissing my neck passionately. I’d never seen him so primal and unrestricted.

I couldn’t help but arch my back as his lips travelled down my body, until he came to my inner thigh and it was then that I called out into the air.

“I don’t want to wait anymore,” I said, trying to get the words out coherently between the feelings which were bombarding me.

He never spoke but instead began kissing back upward, seemingly not missing an inch. And as his face came in front of mine, I took his lips back against mine but felt him enter me at the same time in one swift movement. On instinct and in shock I groaned under the kiss, and then he reciprocated.

We began to thrust against one another, matching one another’s movements and as we did, he took my hands in his. I could feel the ascension to my orgasm beginning and it became so quick the harder we pulsed into one another, until finally, I felt that last turbulent wave hit me. Whilst the orgasm pulsed through me, the Doctor groaned against my neck, signalling his release.

Breathlessly, he withdrew and lay beside me.

We let our breaths come back to normal before the Doctor reached over and began tickling me. Instantly I laughed, pulling away, but he came almost on top of me, attacking me with his hands. My insides hurt as I laughed over and over, until I found a way to get at him.

I lunged forwards, still giggling and began tickling him back in retaliation. His laughter filled the room until we settled down to sleep.

*

I woke to find that the space next to me had become vacant and the Doctor’s clothes had disappeared. Sighing, I got up, re-dressed and decided to take a walk down to the console room. Maybe he was in there, hovering over leavers and gauges...as per usual.

This time the TARDIS allowed me to walk smoothly into the console room, where I found him. I stayed by the door, watching him grinning like a happy child and hopping around the system, chattering away. Now that I’d experienced what it was like to not only travel with the Doctor, but allow him in, I knew I’d never be the same again.

***

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