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jasmines-library · 1 year ago

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Can you do a Winchester sister fic where she’s overworking herself and the boys are worried and notice her deteriorating but she keeps brushing them off until eventually she passes out on a hunt and won’t wake up and the brothers are protective and very worried

Sleep Is For The Weak

warnings: overworking, exhaustion, fainting/collapse. Pls remember to get sleep and look after yourself lovely :)

Word count: 1.7K

⛤ SPN MASTERLIST ⛤

“Y/N?” Sam blinked at you bleary eyed, staring at you from where he was leaning on the doorframe. You were sitting slumped over your laptop in the library, surrounded by a collection of books that you had scattered around the table and a cold cup of half drank coffee that you were using to try to force yourself awake. Your eyes were drooping closed as you squinted at the screen before you. You had spent the last two nights desperately trying to finish your college assignment that a last minute hunt meant you were behind on, only giving yourself a few hours of rest before starting up again.

Sam took a heavy step toward you rubbing his eyes. He was struggling to get to sleep and so had decided to grab himself a glass of water when he saw the light coming from the library. “Why are you still up?”

You didn’t even glance up at him as you continued to type away, pressing your fingers mindlessly onto the little black keys on your laptop. “Hi Sammy. I need to finish this assignment.”

“Kiddo-” He shook his head. It’s late and this isn’t healthy. You need to sleep.” Sam told you, gripping your shoulders.

You shrugged him off by rolling your shoulders. “Soon. I need to finish this.”

“Y/N.”

“Sam.”

Your brother sighed, rolling his eyes and raising his hands in surrender. “Fine. But don’t blame me if you’re tired tomorrow.”

He turned, leaving you alone to return to your essay. You could hear him shuffling around in the kitchen for a few minutes before his footsteps retreated back down the hallway and you were left in silence again to tap away on the keyboard.

You dragged your feet in slowly through the door to the bunker. After hanging up your jacket and your bag, you hauled yourself down the stairs and made a beeline for the kitchen to pour yourself a cup of coffee. The day had been extremely long; one of those days where everytime you look at the clock it feels like the minute hand has jumped backwards. Running on nearly no sleep hadn’t helped you much at all and you had been running completely on caffeine to keep your head from hitting the desk during class.

As you shuffled into the kitchen and began to fumble around with the coffee maker, you heard Dean gruffly announce his presence by accidentally sending a pot hurtling across the floor and cursing loudly. You winched at the nose.

“You alright there Sweetheart?” He asked, noting your slumped shoulders and droopy eyes. “How was school? Did your assignment go okay?”

You shrugged as you poured the coffee into the mug nearly missing it completely. “It was fine. Got an A on my assignment.”

“That great kiddo, I’m really proud of you.”

“Thank you Dean.”

“You sure you’re okay?” Your older brother frowned at you.

“Just tired.”

“I told you.” Sam jested as he entered the kitchen.

“Whatever.”

Dean looked between his two siblings “What’s going on?”

“Y/N stayed up all night writing that essay. And the night before that.”

“Seriously?” He cocked an eyebrow and gave you that look.

“Yes. It needed to be done and I’ve been busy.” You told him. “Besides, I’ll sleep extra well tonight.”

“Make sure you do, kiddo.”

You gave him a reassuring look before leaving the kitchen with your mug gripped in your hands.

“Rest. Y/N.” Dean called after you, and you rolled your eyes.

“I will.”

It was a lie. You knew that, but your brothers didn’t. You still had too much to do in such a short time. You were behind on lore and training because you had been prepping for your assignment. Only after you had caught up would you allow yourself to rest.

You made your way into the shooting range with your pistol in hand. The room was large enough to practise basic sparring and hand to hand combat as well as gun training. Your brothers had equipped the room with sparring mats, punching bags and dummies along with some other equipment that they used for weight training, so the room was more of a gym than a shooting range if you were going to be completely honest.

After spending some time catching up on your basic training and working on some new techniques that you had discovered whilst rooting around the Men of Letters archives you moved on to shooting. You took a swig of your water and wiped the sheen of sweat from your brow before picking up your gun firing relentlessly at the target until you hit the centre enough times that you were satisfied. By the time you were done your hands were trembling ever so slightly as you checked your clock and cursed. It was much later than you thought: it had crept into the early hours of the morning and you knew you would have to be up soon. So, after jumping in the shower you retired to your room to try and get a few short hours in.

You were woken up much earlier than you had hoped you would be. Your brothers had never been that subtle, no matter how hard they tried to be. To your ears anyway, you supposed spending so much time with them would do that to you.

Groggily pulling yourself up, you cracked open the door to see your two brothers sneaking down the hallway with their duffel bags slung over their shoulders.

“Dean?” You asked, sleep still very evident in your voice. It matched perfectly with the dark bags that hung under your eyes.

Dean froze, scrunching his face up before turning and facing you. “Hey Sweetheart…”

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere.” Dean said automatically trying to ignore the fact that you had caught him.

“Dean.”

“Jody called. Sam and I are going to help her with a hunt.” He admitted, shifting his bag to his other shoulder. The contents rattled and you knew that it was filled with a concoction of weapons.

“And you were just going to leave me here?”

“It’s not far. We were going to be back before lunch. Maybe even before you woke up.”

You stared at him and Sam, hurt.

“I’m coming.” You turned on your heel to grab the bag you kept under your bed for hunts.

You didn’t get far before Dean stopped you. “No you’re not. You need to sleep Y/N. You look like hell.”

“Wow. Thank you, Dean.”

“You know what I meant.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“No-”

“Dean.” Sam shook his head, looking at your stubborn expression that you were using to try and hide the fact that you were pissed that they were trying to leave you. He nearly second guessed himself when he took in how tired you looked, but he couldn’t leave you on your own again. “Just let her come.”

The eldest Winchester sighed. “Fine. You have five minutes to meet us in the car or we’re leaving without you.”

You were tired. And not just the ‘I haven’t slept more than eight hours total in the last three days’ kind of tired. The kind of tired where all of your muscles ache and your legs feel like jelly, where your vision swarms and your head pounds, wracked with an increasing nausea induced headache. The kind of tired where simply breathing makes your chest hurt and drains all of your energy. By the time the hunt was done you could barely hold the machete in your trembling hands.

Jody had called Sam and Dean to help her hunt a nest of vampires that seemed to be much larger than usual; around 15 vamps and counting. She had stumbled upon it accidentally and with Claire out of state, she felt she needed the help of you and your brothers. Luckily you had reached her in time, but the fight was tiresome and gruesome, and the four of you barely made it away unscathed for the most part. But you were oh so tired…

Swaying on your feet, you blinked away your blurry vision, clutching onto the doorframe of the house to keep yourself upright. Sam had tried to get you to sleep in the car, but with the rough terrain you struggled to drift off and oh boy was it getting to you now. You were surprised your body was even still functioning at this point.

“Y/n/n?” Sam asked, stricken with concern. “You okay?”

“Yeah…” You tried to brush him off, letting go of the wall and taking a step forward “I just need to-”

Your legs gave out completely and you crumpled to the floor, eyes rolling into the back of your head.

“Y/N!” Dean skidded to your side. “Y/N?!” He shook your shoulders. “Sam!”

Sam patted you lightly on your cheek. “Y/N. Wake up.”

You didn’t move. Didn’t even stir an inch.

“She should be awake by now.”

A quiet voice was barely audible from somewhere in the room. You opened your eyes a peak; just enough to make out two tall figures standing across the room. Your body felt like it had been tossed in the air and then run over by a truck, though you felt less groggy than you remember feeling when-

“Give her time, Dean. Her body was completely exhausted. She needs to rest.”

“She’s been asleep for days, Sam. How much longer is ‘time’?”

You groaned. “Would you two just shut up for two minutes?”

“Y/n?!” Dean moved to the side of your bed joined by his little brother. You smiled tiredly at him, noting the way his stubble seemed to be more unkempt than usual and he had bags under his eyes.

“Hi boys.”

Sammy let out a sigh of relief. “You had us so worried, Kid.”

“Sorry…”

“You gotta take care of yourself, sweetheart.”

That made you laugh a little. “Take your own advice, Winchester.”

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Touche.”

“But seriously, kiddo.” Sam interjected, wrapping you up in his arms. “You come first, alright. You matter to us more than grades and hunting. When you passed out- the thought of losing you isn’t something we ever want to think about. So you gotta promise that you’ll look after yourself for us.”

“Okay.” You nodded.

“Promise?” Dean stuck out his pinky finger with a childish grin.

You interlocked yours with his. “Promise.”

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lunaloveskpop23 · 3 months ago

Text

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Non Idol - Mingi x reader

Summary: The reader has a group of friends who she thought she could trust, but they have started to leave her out of things and become rude to her. What happens when the man her friend Avery likes starts becoming closer to her and helps her not feel lonely with his friend group?

Warning: cussing, angst...lots of it.

Genre: angst. fluff.

*PLEASE DO NOT STEAL MY WORK*

*THIS IS PURELY FICTION*

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Y/N's POV:

"Why did you write about anime guys as your essay?" I ask.

"Because it was the only thing I could think about and besides, I got an A! I'll take it!" Lauren says sipping her coffee.

I giggle.

"Fair enou-"

"OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS!! GUESS WHAT?!" Avery runs in and says to us.

"What?" We both said at the same time.

"Mingi looked at me!" Avey squeals.

It took everything for me not to roll my eyes. I smile and I nod. My friend Avery has always loved Mingi. The infamous bad boy of our college. He is a part of the group Ateez who is infamous of many things.

Hongjoong, the leader who gets jealous easily. Seonghwa, his right hand who is a man who is very fashionable and is genderless about his clothing. Yeosang, a ballet dance major who can make people fall in love with just one look. Yunho, a dance major who is scary when you make him angry.

Wooyoung, the most flirtatious one of them all and is dating San. San, the one is who starts the most fights and dating Wooyoung. Jongho, the man who is the strongest and has the most powerful singing voice. Last but not least, Mingi, the mysterious man who people say flirts more than crazy, but he is also the quiet one of the group.

They are the infamous group who rides motorcycles to college. Everyone knows who they are.

Back to Avery and my friend group. Me, Lauren, Rachel, and Avery have been friends for a little while. Avery and Lauren act like girlfriends, but they are best friends. Rachel is the one I'm close to, but recently she has been ignoring my text and not hanging out with me. I'm starting to worry.

Anyway, back to the point at hand.

"Oh my God he did! I knew he liked you!" Lauren teases and tries to boost her ego.

I sip my drink in silence and I look at them.

"Well, one day I'll get his number!" Avery says.

"How do you know that?" I ask.

"Well, I am a catch, and besides he's mine! He's been mine for 2 years."

I nod, but I don't agree with her. She has been way too possessive of Mingi for no reason. I do not know why she is so possessive over him when he isn't even hers.

"So what are you going to do now, Avery? Ask him out? Talk to him?" Lauren says.

"Neither. He should come to me." Avery says.

"Wait, you haven't even said hi to him?" I ask.

"Um no I haven't. Like is that a problem to you?" She says giving me attitude.

I get quiet and I finish my drink. I get up and I leave the table. This isn't the first time Avery has gotten angry at me. I was joking with her at one point saying how cute Mingi is in a hoodie and she flipped out on me. Then we talked about a group that we both like and I said how cute a member is and she got possessive and told me to pick another member.

I swear she gets on my nerves. How can she be so selfish? As I walk to my dorm room, I hear motorcycles pass by and I see the group Ateez. I blush and look.

They were all smiling and riding their motorcycles without a care in the world. They ride past me and I see Mingi and he looks at me and smiles at me. I blush as he rides away.

Wait why was I blushing? I can't be blushing over Mingi. Avery loves him. I shake my head and walk to my dorm.

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I sit on Rachel's couch and sip my drink. Music is playing in the background and Lauren and Avery are talking to each other. Rachel is talking to Autumn the person who she is replacing me with.

Oh btw yeah Rachel is hanging out with Autumn more and I am here at a Valentine's Day party at Rachel's place. Lonely. So lonely that even my friends ignoring me. I just sigh and nod a long to the music.

"Hey! Why don't we play trivia?!"

"Ohhhh yeah! Lets go!" Lauren says.

They get kpop trivia ready and Lauren and Avery basically cheat together and it goes on for 30 minutes.

"That's Han!" Avery yells.

"That's Jimin!" Lauren yell.

"That's Jak-"

"HOW IS THIS FUCKING FAIR?!" I snapped. I was getting sick of them cheating and not letting anyone else answer.

They get quiet and get mad at me. They decided to order a Uber and leave. I sit there starting to feel bad and I get up and walk out the door with my stuff.

"Y/N wai-" I run off outside and start crying. It starts to rain on me. Oh great! Totally what I needed.

I hear motorcycles and I look to see Ateez coming my way. I sniffle and see them stop in front of me.

"Ma'am, are you alright?" I hear Hongjoong ask me.

"Oh um.....no.." I say shaking my head.

They look at each other. Mingi gets up and puts his helmet and jacket on me.

"Come on. We are getting burgers if you want to tag a long." He asks me.

I blush.

"I would like that." I nod and he sits on his motorcycle and I walk and get on the back of the motorcycle. I hold onto Mingi as he drives off.

I hold on a bit tight and he laughs.

"Never been on one before?" He teases.

"No!" I blush.

He giggles and drives. We get to the burger place and I get off. I take my helmet off and give it to him. He puts it away. I try to take the jacket off.

"Oh keep it. I don't mind." He says.

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I don't mind at all." He walks up to the front door and I run behind him. He holds the door open for me. I blush and walk in. They all sit in a seat and I sit next to Yeosang and Mingi.

"You're Y/N, right?" Wooyoung asks.

"Wait, how do you know my name?" I ask.

"We have the same English class. Ms. Wright, Gender and Language." He says.

"Oh my god that's right! We do have the same class." I say.

"I sit in the back, but I do like that class. She always answers a question, well besides yesterday's class."

I blush.

"Oh um yeah....I had a headache." I didn't want to say what i was actually dealing with.

"Oh ok." He says and the guys look at me. I think they don't believe me. I look at the menu trying to change the subject.

"Oh, they have bacon burger with nugget combo," I say.

"Oh, where?!" I hear Seonghwa say.

I sigh and look up. I still feel eyes on me. I turn and see Mingi staring at me. I blush and look away.

*the waiter came and took our order. the order came fast and we are currently eating.*

They were telling me stories. From the stories they were telling me, it felt like some of the rumors were fake. They are all nerds who are clumsy and funny.

"So then, Yunho is drunk and told Wooyoung, "YOU NEARLY KISSED ME! Then Woo said, "SO!" and kissed his cheek."

I started to laugh. Yunho looked embarrassed.

"Why did you kiss my cheek, Woo?" He asks Wooyoung.

"Because I can," Wooyoung says confidently.

San pulls him closer out of jealousy.

"Oh do not get jealous love. You know, I like making you jealous." He scratches his chin playfully.

I blush as they flirt with each other. I can see that rumor is true.

"Oh don't mind them, Y/N. They are always like that." Seonghwa says.

"Oh, I don't mind. I'm bi myself." I tell them.

"Oh, so cool! We are all bi too!" Hongjoong says.

I smile and I get a text. I look and see 30 messages from Rachel and 10 from Lauren. I sigh sadly and set my phone down.

"What is it?" Mingi asks.

"Oh just some friends...." I say sadly.

"Then why are you talking in a sad voice?" Yeosang asks.

I get quiet.

"Yeosang, you are not supposed to ask." Seonghwa hisses at him.

"No, it's ok. Um.....lately it's been like they have been ignoring me and starting to leave me out of things. So it feels like I don't even matter to them anymore and then two went to an event they knew I would like to go to. One of them said they weren't going to do anything that day, but then I say their story and they lied to me. Then they just..." I was rambling and I didn't notice but I started crying.

"Hey hey shhhhhh." Seonghwa says taking my hands and Yeosang rubs my back.

"You don't have to finish if you don't want to," San says softly.

Mingi grabs my hand gently and rubs it. I blush and nod.

"They don't sound like real friends." Hongjoong says.

They all nod and look at me.

"What is worse is that I have done a lot for them.....I gave pcs of kpop groups. Do you know how expensive those are?"

"Oh i know, do you know how many Jongho has gotten?" San says.

"Hey! Kpop is great and I know exactly what you mean, Y/N. Those people are not your friends. I'm sorry that you are dealing with that." Jongho says.

I sniffle.

"Now stop crying and I'll order you some dessert." Mingi says. I look at him and he smiles. I smile as well.

"Hey no fair! You're ordering dessert for her because you lik-" Wooyoung says and San covers his mouth.

"We are going to leave. It was nice meeting you, Y/N." San and Wooyoung leave.

"We'll leave too." Hongjoong says talking about him and Seonghwa. They both put money down on the table for the bill.

"Here, put your number in my phone. We can be your friends." Seonghwa says sweetly to me. I smile and put my number in his phone.

He smiles and leaves. Hongjoong takes his hand and kisses it. I blush. Oh, they are dating too? So cute.

"We'll leave too," Jongho says about him, Yunho, and Yeosang. They put money on the table and Yeosang waves bye to me. I smile and wave back.

They leave and I blush as I notice that I am with Mingi.

"You can order any dessert. I don't mind. I'm paying for you anyway."

"Oh um then can i get a brownie?" I ask.

He smiles and nod. He orders it and we talk more. I finish the food and he pays the bill with his money and the money on the table. We walk outside and he takes me to my dorm.

"Thank you. I really appreciate everything you guys did." I tell him.

"of course. Well um....." he rubs his neck.

"What is it?"

"I was wondering if you.....wanted to get some lunch sometime.." Mingi asks.

"Oh." I blush. I think back to Avery.

"Sure. I would love too. But um....one of my friends likes you..."

"Avery I'm guessing." He says.

I look at him with wide eyes.

"How do you know that?"

"It's obvious and people have been spreading it around and I don't really like her like that. I also heard shes a little possessive and obsessed. I am not going to date her. And besides she's not the one I like."

"Oh? Um well, who do you like?" I ask.

"The one who I am picking up after class tomorrow around 12." He winks and walks away.

I blush and look at him.

"Me?!"

He smiles and blushes. He winks and drives away. Holy shit. Me?! Oh Avery will not be happy......but damn....he is cute....

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Hi my pookies! I hope you all enjoyed the story. My next part of stories will be Halloweenish and supernatural stories. I am so excited to start doing them and post them. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!! I might make a part two of a few of my stories. If you guys want a part two just let me know!!!

- Luna 🩷💜

#fanfiction #writers on tumblr #writing #ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez x reader #kpop writers #kpop bg #kpop #mingi x reader #song mingi #mingi #fem reader #fanfic writing #fanfic #ateez mingi #ateez ff

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queenshelby · 2 years ago

Text

Yes! Mr Murphy (Rewritten)

PART FOUR: THE ESSAY

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Angst, Age Gap, Teacher x Student, Mentions of Depression, Anxiety

PLEASE COMMENT AND ENGAGE!

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE REWRITTEN THIS STORY AND PART TWO CAN BE FOUND HERE (rewritten).

A week had passed and you had settled back into drama school without any problem whatsoever which, to you and your best friend Emma, was a surprise.

You had told Emma everything. You told her about the night you spent with Cillian three weeks ago, you told her about who he was and you told her exactly how you felt about this man being your lecturer now. It bothered you and you desperately wanted to quit, feeling torn about the attraction you still felt towards him while being with James.

Luckily for you, however, Emma was the voice of reason. Like always, she supported you, retained your secrets and reminded you that it would just be for four months and then he would move on and so would you. The semester would be over by the end of November. It was your final one and you would probably not see him again after that.

“Don’t forget that you are on a scholarship. You need this and, no doubt, this class will help you with your acting skills” is what Emma reminded you of and, since you were grateful for the place you were in these days, you agreed with her. She was right. You needed this in order to leave your past behind as, just like Emma, you went through the so called “foster system” in the US which was nothing short of horrific.

Both, Emma and you immigrated to the United States without a family to support you. You arrived as refugees at the same processing centre when you were just ten years old, making you both unsuitable for adoption which was largely due to the fact that most families approved for adoption wanted babies or toddlers under the age of three.

As such, you both moved from one foster home to another and the last of them was the worst for you. Your so-called foster parents were strict and any time you did not obey to their rules, you were punished for it. Food was withheld from you and, on occasion, you were even beaten to the point where your skin turned blue. During this time, you had been to hospital five times and no matter how often you complained, nothing changed until you ran away.

You had nowhere to stay for a while and then, when you turned sixteen, you moved out into a home designed for girls like you. It was a home for young women who went through abuse and this was exactly where, after several years, you reunited with Emma.

The facility provided excellent care for anyone who needed it but, on occasion, you felt somewhat worthless and ashamed about having lived there. Thus, you eventually took not one, but three jobs while furthering your studies at night through a state-run school. You moved out shortly after that and the college you went through helped you and Emma to apply for a scholarship abroad.

Together with eight other students in the state, you received some funding to attend different universities and schools across Europe, for which the ones based in Dublin became your choice.

Unlike London, Dublin was affordable for you both. You were now sharing a tiny studio apartment, and the money you received alongside your scholarship helped a lot.

You were an excellent dancer and, because of it, you now only had to have one rather than three jobs to support yourself, making your life relatively easy in comparison to your past.

In accordance to James and Lorraine however, who were rich and entitled, you still worked too hard. You had nothing in common with them and, even though James had been dating you for years, he always criticised you and your life choices.

He criticised you for having run away from your foster-home. He criticised you for working forty hours per week and he criticised you for saving money almost religiously.

On occasion, he also criticized your looks and the fact that you dressed too plainly. Your clothes were largely second hand, a mix of denim, sneakers, and plain coloured shirts. You owned two dresses, both black and wearing make-up was a rarity for you and you were told by your boyfriend that you should be making more of an effort for him.

But then, why should you? He never made an effort for you and being with him made you wonder whether you could ever leave your past behind. He had no idea how good his life had been while the memories of your past kept haunting you, playing with your mind.

You reflected on your past quite often. It was what kept you grounded even when you were around people like James and Lorraine. But speaking about this pain was something you struggled to do ever since you opened up to James about your upbringing. It was almost like he was embarrassed by you because if it and this hurt more than the bruises you sustained all those years ago.

Unfortunately for you though, reflecting on your past was something you were required to do as part of your first essay in PRAC300. You had to write about yourself, in a creative kind of way, drawing parallels between any painful events you encountered and a fictional character you were reading about. You had to write about how you felt in the midst of a difficult situation and then describe how you would show your emotions about such events in front of others.

Why this was relevant to your acting skills you did not know, but you wrote down what you thought anyway without putting much effort into your work. You made something up and when you submitted the paper to Cillian, you also chose to ask him about the curriculum for this unit moving forward. Again, you were playing with the idea of quitting now, but you weren’t quite sure how.

Until such day, you had largely ignored him and he had ignored you. In class, he pretended that you did not exist and rarely ever called you out to answer any questions. Without your knowledge though, this was his very own defence mechanism. It was his way of coping while he adjusted to the fact that he was meant to be teaching you now and by asking him about the essay and upcoming unit content, you took him off guard.

In addition to your questions about the curriculum though, today was also the day where, even if this particular essay was not in play, you could no longer have ignored him as, just last night, photos of him on a date with a fellow actress emerged on Twitter.

Of course, you took no interest in Twitter, but other disappointed students like Lorraine shared this information with you before class. The actresses’ name was Sophie O’Callum and she was currently filming in Dublin. Sophie was in her late thirties which, to you, seemed like an appropriate age for Cillian. She was blonde, skinny and incredibly good looking, creating a fair bit of jealously amongst your peers and this emerging jealousy quickly became evident to you during class.

Usurpingly, after hearing the news, Lorraine was rather upset about the date. She was now trying it on hard with your fellow lecturer and this, in itself, became amusing when Cillian shut her down.

It was obvious to you that he was annoyed by her and whilst you felt sorry for her, you also secretly enjoyed the fact that he retained his professionalism in class especially when Lorraine made advances towards him.

But, that’s not to say that you were not a little jealous too about Cillian’s date with an equally famous actress and you did not know why. You only ever slept with Cillian once and the fact that he was seeing someone else should not have bothered you. But did it. It upset you and, thus, when you finally walked into his office after class to ask him about the essay and unit content, you had to put on an act. You had to pretend that you did not care about his date and, for all you knew, he probably bought it.

***

“Hey Y/N, how can I help you?” Cillian asked after you walked into his office before shutting the door behind you.

“You look like you had a big night” you observed while watching him rub his eyes for the millionth time that day. He did this all throughout class and now he did it again, right in front of you.

“What makes you say that?” he wondered.

“You look a bit dusty” you pointed out with a giggle in order to lighten the mood.

“I may have had a few too many pints, but don’t tell the dean, alright?” Cillian teased, knowing that you would not say a word to the school’s principal.

“As if I would” you pointed out nonetheless before bringing up his date. “Although, you do realise that the pictures of you and Sophie O’Callum are all over the internet, right? You both looked drunk and knackered” you laughed but Cillian simply furrowed his eyebrows.

“Seriously?” he asked after picking up his phone and googling himself.

“Don’t you follow yourself on socials?” you wondered as you watched what he was doing.

“I don’t have social media” Cillian chuckled before telling you that he was too old for it, which was a comment that amused it.

“Oh please” you laughed which was when he quickly and somewhat unexpectedly addressed the rumours he was reading.

“Just for the record though, this was not a date. We went out for drinks and then we went our separate ways” he pointed out and, whilst you secretly felt relieved about what he was saying, you put on your acting hat and furrowed your eyebrows.

“And you are telling me this why?” you asked as if you were not interested in what he had to say and Cillian bought it and snapped out of it.

“Good question” he said before asking why you were in here to see him.

“I have a question about the essay which I handed in earlier today” you said before carrying on. “How are my emotions relevant to this class?” you asked and, before you could point out to him that you felt uncomfortable with the essay topic, Cillian began to explain.

“Well, learning how to act starts with learning about emotions and how to display them on screen or on stage. Often actors can draw from their own experiences and…” he said just before you interrupted him.

“But this stuff is personal” you blurted out to which Cillian simply shrug his shoulders.

“It’s part of the curriculum Y/N. I didn’t write those essay templates. I don’t even get to grade them” he informed you, causing you to sigh.

“But you will read them?” you wondered.

“Yes. I will read them and then pass them on for grading, with my comments…” Cillian began to explain and you interrupted him again.

“Fuck” you spat. “We slept with each other and I don’t want you to know about my past and my fucking emotions” you told him and, to your surprise, Cillian reacted in a gentle kind of way.

“Y/N, I won’t judge you for whatever happened to you in the past. What you write in your essay is confidential and whether we slept with each other or not is irrelevant. We both agreed to put this one-night stand behind us and that is what I am doing, alright?” he said and this was all you needed to hear before storming out of his office.

Three days later…

Three days had passed and, like most Mondays, you arrived at school early that morning. You had just been for a run, showered and sat down with your lunchbox, which is when you saw Cillian walk into the lecture hall with a cup of coffee in his hand.

He was surprised to see you there and, after putting down his mug, he approached you.

“Y/N,” he murmured almost nervously.

“Cillian. Good Morning” you smiled and, after engaging in a little small talk, he addressed the elephant in the room.

“After class, could we, maybe, talk about your essay submission please” was what he said and your heart immediately skipped a beat.

“Yes. Sure. I will see you at your office then? What time works for you?” was your response and, within seconds, you locked in a time while, the truth was, that you had no idea about what you were going to tell him. What was it that he needed to hear from you, you wondered? The truth? You weren’t going to give him that. He was better off failing you and get the professor to give you a bad grade.

So clearly, this was not going to go anywhere and, just as you were sitting in Cillian’s class again, you reflected on all the pain you felt when thinking back at when you were a young teenager.

It was this kind of pain you did not want him to know about so you sat there, awkwardly, like a pathetic loser, raising your hand, answering questions, to make up the credits that you would need after he failed your essay.

You put on act and, luckily for you, he never called you out that day. He left you be, sitting quietly at the back of the class room and then, without giving it any thought whatsoever, you were the first one out the door after a two-hour session, wanting to avoid him at all cost.

Yes, you needed to go and see him at his office. But you had no intention to actually do so, at least not now while your heart was racing and anxiety took over your anxious brain. You had no idea what to tell him and simply wanted to be left alone right now.

“Will I see you in ten?” Cillian reminded you nonetheless in passing as the students behind you were all hanging back, chatting and joking with the others. Lorraine, in particular, attempted to put on an act of her own, flirting with Cillian again.

“Yes, I will see you then” you confirmed nervously before you quickly made your way to the ladies room.

The lady’s lavatory followed a dull theme of light green. It was dated and made you feel a little nauseous.

You were nervous about meeting with Cillian about your essay and thus splashed some cold water on to your face before taking deep breaths. Then, when you looked into the mirror you saw the ghost of a girl who had died a long time ago.

Your face was gaunt and all your features were sunken in. Your eyes, once your best feature, were the only things that seemed to stand out now, as if you were just that, all vacant and lifeless. There was nothing else to look at. You were already disappearing and realised that you were all bones and baggage now, made up of shadows and secrets and nothing, nothing at all.

Then, you recalled what your dance coach had said to you just recently, telling you that you were one of the best dancers in class, but you lacked emotion. You lacked expression and you certainly lacked happiness. It was obvious to him, which is why he suggested an acting class to you. But perhaps acting skills were not what you needed. Perhaps you simply needed some happiness in your life, but felt as though you were not entitled to it.

Then you remembered, that, just a few weeks ago, you did feel alive and happy for one night only and this was the night you had spent with Cillian.

It was strange, exciting and sensual and certainly felt different to when you were with James who did not help the way you felt within your own body. You were insecure and, at least in your mind, there was nothing special about you.

Being with James was like a bad habit, just like smoking. You kept him around and went back to him simply for the fact that he provided something to you which you were familiar with. He provided structure, security and you adored his family.

But he did not excite you. Life did not excite you. It never did. It was painful to be who you were and, thus, you wanted to break every mirror in the bathroom. Every time you saw yourself you saw the sad little girl you used to be and still were, caught in this viscous cycle of negative thoughts. You were afraid to take risks because it had been enshrined in to you throughout foster care that taking risks was wrong. You lacked your very own family and love and often wondered whether your life would change one day.

Then, eventually, you locked yourself into a stall to get away from your reflection. You knew that you were nearing another mental breakdown any minute now and began to scream, quietly, but loud enough for others to hear.

It was quarter past ten now and you had been there, inside the lavatory stall, for fifteen minutes. You put your head in your hands, your fingernails digging into your face, wanting to scream but not having the nerve to do it.

Traumatising thoughts about your past visited you just like bad dreams did at night. You were losing your mind or maybe you have lost it already.

Some time passed, but you could not tell how much. You just let yourself slip away from reality for a bit but then, suddenly, the sound of the restroom door swishing open made you jump, startling you out of your mad, mad thoughts. A familiar pair of brown leather shoes came to stop outside of your stall.

"Y/N? Are you alright?" were the words you heard next and, suddenly, time slowed. Your skin burned and your voice was shaky when you spoke.

"Please go. You are not meant to be in here" you said although you were not even sure if you really wanted him to, but you said it anyways.

"But I am in here now and I am not leaving. Lorraine said that you have been in the lavatory for over half an hour. So, please come out before I tare the door open and embarrass myself in front of the entire school” Cillian chuckled, but with great concern in his voice. He knew that you were simply hiding in there and he was clearly worried about you and your wellbeing.

“Fuck. Seriously?” you stammered as you got up slowly and opened the stall door.

“Yes! Seriously Y/N! Clearly, you are avoiding me and I thought that we talked about everything that we needed to talk about. But, I supppose I was wrong as, first, you submit this ridiculous paper to me and now you are hiding from me…’ Cillian then said quietly as he was facing away from you in what you presumed to be an effort to give you some privacy, but his eyes then met yours when you looked in the reflection of the mirror.

You saw yourself too, standing in front of him with tears in your eyes.

“Y/N, fuck, are you okay? Did something happen? Should I call the student counsellor?” Cillian then asked anxiously when he noticed your tears and you tried to hold his gaze, but his eyes were too intense so you looked down at the tiled floor.

"God no, please. I just had a moment. I am okay” you stammered quickly but Cillian looked sceptical.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he then asked politely but you shook your head.

“I think I embarrassed myself enough already” you then told him but his eyebrows furrowed quickly.

“You are afraid of your own emotions and I get that. Most people are. But you know what I have learned throughout many years of acting?” Cillian said quietly again but, this time, with a warm and gentle smile.

“What?” you asked, wondering where he was going with this.

“That accepting and dealing with your emotions is an integral part of life. Unless you do that, you are not going to be happy and you most certainly will struggle with the line of work you chose. So, if you need to talk with someone about the way you feel, then talk to me. I am here to listen and what happened between us doesn’t matter, alright? I am not the kind of person who sees things superficially and, I don’t know why, but I do care about you. I want you to be okay” Cillian then explained while gently rubbing his palms over your upper arms and you were glad for his words and the way he spoke them, in a gentle and caring way.

“Thank you, Cillian” you cried before taking a deep breath. “Can I redo my paper?” you then asked. You still did not want to talk with him about your past just yet and hoped that he would accept your offer in lieu of an explanation as to why you were so anxious right now.

“I was hoping that you would and I want you to know that, when you do, I will not judge you or think any less of you for what you write” Cillian reassured you and, after you gave him a quick nod and wiped away your tears, he walked towards the door of the lavatory and held it open for you.

“Can you redo the paper by Wednesday? I need to pass it on to the unit co-ordinator” Cillian then said with a slight chuckle and unbothered by the fact that he just came walking out of the ladies’ bathroom with you.

“I can. And I am sorry for my slobby work” you then said and Cillian smiled. God, he was so beautiful and you stared shamelessly at him. He should not have become a lecturer at school full of young female students. Temptation was going to come knocking at his door, hordes of twenty something year olds begging to be noticed, to be loved, to be fucked. It was insanity and, just like Lorraine and some others, you wanted him and that was another form of madness.

A few days later…

Eventually, Wednesday came about and, when it did, your first stop was at Cillian’s office. You had promised to hand in your revised paper by nine and so you did.

This time, your effort was six pages long and included a large spiel about the foster care system in the US and how it shaped you from an emotional perspective.

It also included an array of emotions you believed many others like you felt when dealing with every-day life and you drew an analysis about them to the character you read about.

It was a paper which you had prepared with great care and thought and, in the end, the references to pieces of literature within your writing impressed Cillian so much so that, on Thursday evening, he sent you a message on the school’s online portal.

“I am impressed. This was certainly worth the wait” he said with an emoji on the end and his message certainly made you laugh.

“I am glad, because it wasn’t easy to write knowing that you would be the one reading it” you responded quickly after you saw Cillian’s message pop up as a notification on your phone at around 10 o’clock that night and, the fact that he wrote to you that late made you wondered whether he was thinking about you.

Clearly, he had read the paper on Wednesday morning already before making his notes on it and sending it to the unit co-ordinator, so why did he only message you now? There must have been a reason for it, right?

Unbeknownst to you, there was most certainly a reason behind this message. Cillian had, indeed, been thinking about you and the truth was that he was taken by what you wrote in your essay.

He saw the care you took in writing down your every thought and your very own emotions and, whilst he could sense that you were hurt by the system, he did not consider you to be weak. To the contrary, he considered you to be much stronger than you thought yourself you were. You took matters into your own hands after the system had failed you. Unlike James, Cillian was impressed by your courage and soon realised why it was you who had been chosen for the scholarship.

You were determined and, whilst you struggled to come to terms with your feelings about what happened to you, you were emotionally intelligent. You knew what you needed to do and you knew about the bad influences in your life. You just had to act upon your desires, follow your goals and leave your pain and restraints in past.

As such, Cillian had nothing to add to your paper and thought about it every night since. There was something about you which intrigued him even more now and his thoughts about you were not just sexual anymore. His interest in you was on a different kind of level now and the feelings he was starting to have for you bothered him, causing him to supress his very own emotions.

He had to put on an act of his own, pretending that he was not interested in you but, every time he had a pint with his best mate Dermont, Cillian’s true feelings surfaced as, suddenly, the conversations they shared were about you.

Even though Cillian assured him that he had forgotten all about your short lived fling, Dermont did not believe him as his friend spoke about you with a lot of admiration.

In addition to that, Dermont also knew that Cillian was not the type of guy who would engage in one-night stands and then never think about them again. He must have liked you if he took you home, to his house that night. And he most certainly had not forgotten about you now that you were his student as every conversation about his work was also about you, your talent and the way you interacted with him.

A few days later…

Eventually, Friday came around and it was another day where you had a lecture in PRAC300 before commencing your on-stage experience for which you were each given an on-stage character role and a script to read.

The roles were allocated randomly and when you were assigned the role of a mother who had recently lost her child, you could not help but sigh. It was not a role you were confident to act out and, yet, you knew that you had no choice. You had to take the role just as the other students had to take theirs. This included James who, also, ended up with a role that he was unhappy about but, unlike you, he spoke about it in Cillian’s class.

“Cillian, man, I think there is a mistake” he said in an arrogant way. “This role should be given to a girl” James determined, causing Cillian to furrow his eyebrows.

“Why?” Cillian asked, seeing that James had been drawn for the role of a character named Tina.

“Because Tina is a girl. I am playing a fucking girl” James laughed but Cillian did not think that his comment was funny and neither did you.

“Not exactly James. The role is non-binary” Cillian explained before telling him that this was an acting class. “It is important for you to step out of your comfort zone” Cillian furthermore said before pointing out that two female students in the class are portraying male characters as well.

“Now, if I can get everyone to schedule a time with me for the next week so that we can go through your role, one on one, that would be fantastic. I intend to allocate half an hour to each student” Cillian said and, of course, Lorraine and some of the other female students were quick to snap up the first available spots, leaving them with next to no time to prepare.

Luckily for Lorraine, she was portraying a young female teacher who was in love with her student. It was a role based on a book you had read quite recently and the fact that she got this role was rather amusing to you. She had an interest in Cillian and it was basically a matter of roles in reverse, if only Cillian had known.

When it was finally your turn to book in a time with Cillian however, you realised that your work schedule clashed with his remaining availabilities and it was at this point that he made an exception for you which was something that got you talking.

“I give dance classes from 3 o’clock to 6 o’clock each day and I cannot get out of them. It pays the bills and I am teaching ten teens for their upcoming dance competition in Cork so I have no idea what to do” you told him after the last student left the room and, sure enough, he remembered your passion for dancing.

“You teach dance? I did not know that. Are you enjoying it?” Cillian asked surprised and you nodded.

“Yes. I love it” you told him while he looked at his calendar.

“Alright, so how about 7 o’clock on Thursday then? It is after hours but I could come in and see you here” Cillian offered and you were surprised by his suggestion.

“Is that not too late for you?” you wondered, knowing that he had children as well.

“Well, generally speaking, Thursdays and Fridays are good for me. My ex has the kids those days and, even if they were to come over, they are old enough to look after themselves for an hour or two” Cillian responded before telling you that they often do their own thing now that they are older, meeting up with friends after school and playing games at the local arcade.

“So, where do you teach dancing?” Cillian then wanted to know, being more chatty than usual.

“At the Dublin School of Dance. I teach contemporary dance and ballet” you told Cillian who, again furrowed his eyebrows.

“My daughter goes to that school twice a week” Cillian told you before showing you a photograph of her which he took during her last class.

“No way! I think I have met your daughter then” you said while Cillian was sliding through the photographs and you could immediately see the resembles of him in his daughter. They had the same pale freckled skin and light-coloured hair.

“Really?” he asked with great surprise and a hint of concern.

“Yes. She is in Miriam Mill’s class, isn’t she?” you asked and Cillian nodded before telling you that Miriam was leaving soon. She had an offer from another Dance School in London which she took.

“She is leaving, yes. But, your daughter will get another pretty awesome teacher soon, so don’t you worry” you then teased and Cillian furrowed his eyebrows quickly.

“Really? Is that new teacher good?” he asked without realising that you were going to be his daughter’s new teacher.

“She is the best” you joked before telling him that you would be taking on the classes for her age group in a couple of weeks.

“Talking about awkwardness” Cillian then said with concern, seeing that this may become a little weird but, to you, it meant nothing. If anything, you were looking forward to meeting Cillian’s daughter properly and preparing her for the dance competitions.

“Yeah, I mean, you could enrol her into another dance school if you like” you said nonetheless but he chuckled.

“And explain this to my ex how?” Cillian asked while cocking an eyebrow.

“Well, you could tell her that you slept with the ballet teacher who also happens to be your student at drama school. I am sure that would make quite a story” you joked and Cillian quickly reminded you to be discreet.

“Y/N, please…” he said while you laughed.

“God, relax Cillian. I am going to make sure that she has fun and excels with her routine for the finals. There is no bad blood between us and, like I said, nothing ever happened right? It was just sex, a one off, that is it. No one will ever know about it. My lips are sealed” you promised him and Cillian gave you a reluctant nod.

“Yes, it was just sex” he repeated quietly after ensuring that there was no one around. “So, Thursday, 7 o’clock then?” he then asked and you confirmed.

“Yes, 7 o’clock is great. Thank you. But I must go now. I am already late for training. Thanks Cillian” you said before grabbing your things and walking through the door.

To be continued… Please comment and engage. I love getting comments and predictions pretty please! Tag List

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#cillian murphy #cillian murphy fanfic #cillian x fem!reader #cillian fanfic #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy x you #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x oc

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ladyyatexel · 14 days ago

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Hey, I’ve been rereading SWAN for like… the 10th or more time and I’m still struck by how much I love it, even after all the times I’ve come back to it. It inspired me to try writing my own JtHM au and I was wondering how you learned to write the way you do. You got me so invested in the characters and story I love them so much!

Wow, thank you! I love hearing that people go back to it. I am extremely curious as to whether you're reading the original or the very superior please read it rewrite.

Either way, I'm happy you like spending time with my glitter garbage children; they are precious to me.

I am going to say I don't know how I learned to write in whatever way I do and then write a huge number of words about it, okay? You've read some version of SWAN, you know I am great at not shutting up.

I think one of the things that actually influenced this was that my grandmother is a professional storyteller. That was just her job title. She and my grandfather had a large hand in taking care of me when I was under ten years old, and she practiced her programs on me, and told me her tips and tricks. These were mostly geared toward public speaking, but a lot of it carried over to telling stories in social situations and making people listen to you in written form. I think this is why most of my stories start as just dialog exchanges.

Another influence was desperately wanting to be cool to my dad's friends who laughed at everything he said. I studied what they said and how they said it in order to dissect How To Be Funny like a Very Normal Child.

I told myself stories to fall asleep every single night for my whole entire life.

I liked musicals a lot, and how they constructed stories by calling back to other moments musically.

I internalized all the advice we got for writing essays around 7th grade. I had more than one teacher tell the whole class I was the only one allowed to turn in a first draft as a final because I was 'Wonder Woman'. In college I was asked why I was going into illustration because I was 'a natural wordsmith'. I was a little surprised by both of these things!

Assuming that you are interested more for 'Teach Me Your Ways' reasons, though, here is some stuff I am conscious of doing:

I never start with a boring sentence. I learned this from essay writing and my grandmother, who had to convince people to listen to her talk for an hour straight. ''The wind blew the curtains and the sun shined through the windows."? Oh my god, who cares, I'm not sticking around for that. "When he bothered to look, he saw three people in the mirror."?? Um, hello? What does the next sentence say about this? I will indulge you in a few more sentences, author. And then you just trick them into reading every next sentence.

A Cool Phrase you can use like a leitmotif in a musical. In reSWAN, it ended up being 'Trust Me', but I am guilty of something like it in everything, haha. Something I can invoke in tense moments after it's been used casually and cutely over and over or something that can be a surprise inversion later. Grandmother also used this technique frequently.

Ending on the Big Word. If I need to do a reveal, or I need something to stick like a gymnast landing, I save that word for last in the sentence or paragraph. Learned this from grandmother and the how to be funny research. Use some natural sounding twists around the topic or a synonym until you reach the dismount at the end. Takes a bit of practice and wrangling to get it to sound like natural speech and not deliberate avoidance, but worth it as payoff to have the last word that slams into the story recipient be the Emotional, Funny, Tragic, whatever word.

reSWAN in particular was written to be honest. I wanted to put ugly feelings in there. The way I feel about 'they wouldn't want you to be sad' and grieving and identity and relating to people and the stuff Hallmark wants you to stop feeling immediately because happy and generic is always better. I have to believe honesty is critical. All my asexual or demiromantic characters get reactions from that one other person going, 'oh god, thank you, my reality is like this too'. It means I get comments that hurt and make me feel like a monster, but the trick there is to decide to be the monster, I guess. I did not learn this from my grandmother.

I hope this is useful or entertaining, friend! I hope that you even see it, given that you are Anon! Thanks so much for reading and contacting me about it, and if you haven't read the rewrite, please do that~~~~ I'm so proud of it, it is so much more me and so much more Good. 💚

#reswan #swanish #fanfic #i guess!#not a to do list just a what xel is aware of doing list

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nerves-nebula · 2 years ago

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Emotional neglect/abuse is so tricky cause what do you even say. My parents never said they loved me? That’s not true. They hit me? Also not necessarily true. They didn’t care about our education or future? They probably cared more about me getting into college than any other part of my life. They wanted me to succeed, they would brag about our achievements and my mom loved posting online whenever one of us got accepted to a college or got a scholarship.

It’s easier to talk about the physical stuff. show pictures of the conditions we lived in, tell stories about how my mom never gave us medicine when we were in pain, or how she let our brother terrorize and abuse us. How I would starve myself all day because I couldn’t stomach anything, and she’d just glare and get annoyed when I mentioned that I hadn’t eaten.

It’s easier to explain what’s wrong there.

It’s harder to explain that she used to kiss us goodnight, and tuck us in, and sing to us, and that none of that was enough. How do I explain that what hurts even more is that she did say she loved me, it just wasn’t true. She probably thinks she loves me. And what an awful kid I am, to not believe her when she says it.

But I’ve trusted her before, I’ve trusted her over and over thinking “surely this time she’ll see how serious I’m being. This time she won’t laugh, or say it’s stupid, or just something I should get over. She’s insisting that I tell her, so she won’t laugh this time. She can’t. She wants to know what’s wrong. This time it’ll be serious enough. This time.”

The most succinct way I can put it is that she loves her child. The idea of someone who is her kid. Not me, though, never me. Never a real person.

I think I was 12 when I figured it out. I figured out what love meant to me, and respect was key. Without it, any stalker on the street or abusive husband could claim that their love was the real deal, and I didn’t want that. Of course that made me realize that I couldn’t give my parents a pass on this one. They didn’t love me, they loved me in their own screwed up ways sure, but if I validated that as real love then a stalker or possessive boyfriends love would be just as valid. It hurt, and I was small, but it didn’t hurt that much worse than anything else and I was already in pain.

How do I explain that she went through all the motions a good parent should, that she hugged me when I cried about how I’d wanted to kill myself (forced me to hug her, wouldn’t let me go until I hugged her, I still remember trying to pull away three times before giving up- something about that is biblical I think. I still remember feeling like an animal was dying on its way down my throat, halfway lodged in my chest, when I realized the hug was about her and not me. It was about her feeling better, giving herself closure. Making herself feel like a better mom. “You knew I wanted to kill myself? and you never did anything?” “What was I supposed to do, you were always in your room.” I still hate being touched. Hugs are difficult, no matter how much I want them.)

It takes an essay to explain it. My parents are ghosts to me. Ghosts that text me nonsense every now and then and ask for updates. I give them the bits and pieces they’re asking for, because I can’t bring myself to be as cruel to them as they were to me.

meeting them face to face make me sweat. I shut down. I feel tired immediately. (aren’t you always tired?) I’m not safe with them (ok, but you’re not safe anywhere) I can’t rely on them. They will lash out if they don’t get what they want. They’ll twist anything they can. They’ll shout and badger and laugh and mock.

They’re the ones who told me not to be stupid, because if I’m stupid then I deserve whatever happens to me. They’re the ones who fueled my agoraphobia (everyone will kill you given the chance, if only you could stop being so strange) and blame me for never leaving the house.

I buried any idea of them being there for me, being people I could rely on, when I was 13. because I knew they would kill me if I didn’t.

My parents are ghosts who text me, or monsters using the faces of my dead protectors to torment me, or two very dysfunctional very disappointing people who should never have gotten married or had kids.

God I wish parents were real.

#nnstuff #rambling #vent #emotional abuse #parental abuse #child abuse #abuse #my mom is bad lmao #my dad is bad lmao #child abuse tw

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expiationist · 2 years ago

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just a little stem vs humanities student story, since that seems so be a controversial topic in the academic world:

as a language and business double major, i absolutely think stem majors are another breed. hear me out. my best friend of 10 years is a biochem major, and she has always taken the hardest calc/physics/chem classes. she would get As on bio tests like it was first grade math. her knowledge eludes me. i have to try exponentially harder than her in every class we had together, and we barely even had the same classes! she took regular calc freshman year, got an A pretty easily. i took business calc, got an A because i was so close to an A and my professor saw how much effort i had put in and felt bad. i have always thought stem was much harder than anything i was pursuing.

until i heard her pov.

she is also pursuing a spanish minor, and has been taking spanish classes since 8th grade (we took our first spanish class together). i took spanish in 8th, 9th, and 10th grade, then stopped taking it through classes and started self studying japanese my junior year of highschool. she continued to pursue spanish and has taken in every year and every semester since 8th grade. shes studying abroad next semester, and we thought it would be a good idea for me to pick up spanish so she would have an opportunity to teach me and talk in spanish together. however, i picked it up pretty fast after not taking it for four years.

i noticed she felt ~some type of way~ about it, which prompted a conversation between the two of us.

to spare the mundane details, she thought it was insane that i caught up to where she was within weeks, after not having taken a class higher than high school spanish 2. i told her i thought it was insane that she got an A in every calc, physics, bio, and chem class, which i was never able to get a single A in (until business calc in college). she has a 4.0, taking what i thought were WAY harder classes than what i was taking. hell, i couldn’t even get an A in astronomy. astronomy.

she then talked about how i had rarely EVER gotten less than a 93 on essays, even if i had written them the night before, while she has to spend weeks on essays to get a good grade on them.

the moral of this story, is that everyone has their own talents. science comes natural to her. languages and humanities come natural to me. i find her talents way harder. she finds my talents way harder because humanities tend to be subjective, and business requires a certain personality and being good with people, which she doesn’t see those qualities in herself.

personally, i think anyone who pushes the “stem is objectively harder” agenda is probably just insecure in their own abilities to do arts/humanities/business. a real mature student can see that everyone has their own talents and a field that is suited to them! there is no need to invalidate peoples academic pursuits. college should be about finding what YOU love and want to pursue, not invalidating everyone and making them feel dumber because they chose a different path from you.

do what you love, and study hard if you love it! just because someone studies humanities subjects doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of succeeding in stem. and just because you study stem doesn’t make you smarter than someone who doesn’t choose to pursue that.

HOWEVER. from my pov, stem is like actually shit from Mars that i will never be able to wrap my head around, so to be humble ill admit i could NEVER study stem subjects beyond general education requirements. kudos to you guys! but that doesnt apply to every a&h kid out there!

#study blog #studyblr #studyinspo #stem aesthetic #stemeducation #stem academia #arts and humanities #art #art student #humanities #academia aesthetic #chaotic academia #university #langblr #japanese langblr #japanese #japanese language #langblog

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star-on-a-beach · 2 months ago

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Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️

#tw vent #im going to look back at this in the morning and think #“wow i was completely blowing things out of proportion”

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judysxnd · 2 years ago

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Hello! Can you write one where Pedro surprises his girlfriend at her masters graduation? (She studied psychology if that has any importance :)) It doesn’t have to be a long one! 🖤

I actually have no idea how the ceremony for the graduation in America is like, I’m French and we don’t get anything when we graduate in college.. I just know how it goes at the end of high school, so my bad if it sounds similar even if in reality it probably isn’t. I actually remembered one that I saw in the show “my wife and kids” (that I love sooooo much), but it’s pretty old so idk if it’s still the same!

Also I’m trying not to use the same pics on my fics, but it’s hard to remember the one I used, and I’m running low 😂

——————————————————————————

Today is a big day. It is your graduation. You’ve been pretty nervous but also extremely excited. There were a few ambiguous feelings forming in your stomach, but all for a good reason. After years of hard work, studying on a passion subject that you always loved and will always be loving: psychology. It’s always been a big part of you, you’ve always been interested in psychology and a lot of people told you that too.

At first you had been very hesitant to go back to college. You had tried a few years back, but it didn’t really work. Also it wasn’t the same degree. You feared it would do the same thing this time. Luckily, you close friends, family and your boyfriend were supporting you. You had a lot of phone calls with your mom, lots of texts with your dad, and it was Pedro who helped you go on campus, to meetings and stuff before actually making the move to go there.

Pedro has been a huge part of your decision. If he hadn’t been here supporting you, you didn’t think you would go through this alone. It’s a big decision, change in situation to go back to college after working and earning money. A lot is aspects change. But Pedro didn’t care, of course he didn’t. He can support you financially, even if you don’t like it. He insisted, said that he was here for you, either emotionally, or financially. That’s why you were so thankful for him.

He also helped you a lot during your studies and researches. Hell he even could graduate with you, that’s how much he helped you. He loves to learn new things, so he remembered and learned a lot of your stuff. For your exams he helped you study until 2am, he helped you correct and edit your essays, he really supported you in every way possible.

That’s why you’re also pretty nervous for you graduation. Because he can’t be here. Unfortunately your graduation happens the same day he films the first part of his latest Gladiator movie, in an entire different country, so he really couldn’t be here. So you had to go through without him, and you didn’t like it. Your parents are going to be here, but it’s not the same without him.

So here you are, waiting in line, surrounded by the other graduates, looking for you parents in the crowd. You knew they were in the front rows, they wanted “the best sits for the best moment”, that’s what your dad said. When you finally found them, you recognized another person next to them. One less person in front of you, still two and it’s your turn. You look again, as you got a step closer, and as unbelievable as it was, Pedro was next to them, smiling and waving at you. Wide eyes, tears forming, there was a feeling of relief when you realized it was him. You blew a few kisses at him. Still one person.

“Y/n Y/l/n” your heart started to beat very fast, your legs were moving by themselves. Next thing you knew, you were on stage, holding your diploma, looking rapidly at the crowd and then at your parents and Pedro with a big smile, before walking on the other side. Your foot barely touch the ground that you ran in Pedro’s arms.

“What are you doing here!!!” You said excitedly, still holding him tight.

“I wanted to surprise you cariño” he said kissing the top of your head. Feeling his touch, smelling him, just little simple things were what you needed. You needed him.

You parted, looking at him with nothing but love.

“I finally did it” you said, showing him the paper you had in your hand. He couldn’t stop smiling either.

“I’m so proud of you princesa, we all knew you could do it” he said, glancing at your parents. You let go of Pedro to hug your parents.

“You worked so hard honey, we are so so proud of you” your mom said, playing with your hair, some tears forming in her eyes.

“Thank you. I couldn’t do it without you guys” you looked at the three persons in front of you.

“All credits to you, we were just supporting you” Pedro added.

“Now we have a free psychologist” your dad joked

“Be careful, it’s not always a good thing” you added, you all laughed.

“How about we go to a nice dinner, so we can celebrate properly?” Pedro asked

“That’s a great idea!” Your mom said.

So you all left, very happily, and had a nice dinner, with a few bottles of champagne. You were surrounded by the people you wanted and you accomplished what you wanted the most. A new chapter is coming for you.

#pedro pascal #fanfic #imagine #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal x reader #oneshot #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal preferences #pedro pascal x y/n #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal one shot #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal x female reader

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em-harlsnow · 10 months ago

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I'm taking a break from my essay, so I thought I would go over my opinions of Fiona.

The thing is, most of the time I understand her. I understand her wanting Debbie and the others to stop relying on her so much, I understand her leaving, I understand why she tried to convince Debbie to get an abortion and most importantly I understand why she wanted to avoid blame for Liam's coke incident. I'm not saying any of it is right, but I get her.

I'll go over my main points with her, good and bad.

The stuff I defend her on:

she supported Lip thru his alcoholism and he did not do the same for her, instead yelling and blaming her when if anyone, he should understand

she tries to convince Debbie to get an abortion because she fully knows Debbie is not emotionally mature enough to handle a baby (no hate, no 15 year old is) and doesn't want to have to deal with it, which is fair because she's accustomed to dealing with kids that aren't hers. I have friends who have to essentially parent their siblings, and I know they would definitely stay away if any of them decided to have kids of their own.

she tries to convince lip to go to college or at least stay in school because he can, despite how he's so adamant against it. despite how it means she has even more burden over the children

she leaves because she needs her own life (there's more on this later, don't worry)

However, I'm against her on these:

Fiona, babe, stop using being a Gallagher as an excuse for everything you do it's getting tiring. "I'm a Gallagher" I KNOW.

Fiona, if you dole out advice left right and centre to all your siblings, take some as well. she should have heeded people's advice about all the property stuff, she should have been more careful, but at the end of the day people make mistakes.

Fiona, take responsibility for your shit. You were Liam's legal guardian, I know she didn't intend to, but it was her responsibility to look after him. It's her fault. If Frank or Monica did the same by accident, I have no doubt she would blame them

Tell me, why does she hate the Milkoviches so much. Actively hating on Mandy, when she's just as much of a slag??? Not hating on slags, I am a proud one myself. But don't hate on others, don't be so fucking rude when Mandy simply wanted a place to feel safe. Also, I don't accept her Mickey-hate AT ALL. she didn't know him, told him he needed to admit Ian to a psych ward because that's what she knew, when realistically there can be other, better ways to help those with mental illness. Psych hospitals are for those at risk to themselves and others, but Ian hadn't become a risk until he stole Yevgeny (we don't know enough about whether he was suicidal or not). Also, let's not forget Molly. I can't comment on whether Molly was actually trans or not, because it's suggested that her mother just forced her to be a girl. Even so, no fucking need for the amount of transphobia.

Finally, she was Liam's legal guardian. For all her talk about how Ian's like Monica, she abandoned him which is a 'full on Monica move' to quote Fiona. She agreed that she would take care of him until he was an adult, and didn't make sure someone else would take over if she left. Also, she could have taken him with her.

Anyway, very mixed feelings about Fiona. I'm never sure how to feel about her, because like I say half the time I understand her. I get why she didn't want to admit to being responsible for the coke thing, because it made her feel guilty and worse, it made her feel like her parents. I def prefer her pre-season 4

#shameless #fiona gallagher #shameless opinions #opinion

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bekolxeram · 4 months ago

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Sorry for the whining lately, I'm gonna talk about other unrelated things for a while to get out of the dead end that I seem to have drilled myself into.

Here's an absurdly ridiculous story from my past.

I've brought up here before that one of my best friends dated an absolute asshole for around 6 months.

The first time we talked was over text. My bestie mentioned that I majored in European Studies in college, so he kept making his girlfriend ask me questions, as he was a "fellow European history enjoyer". My field was more about modern politics in the EU and France, but fine, I was familiar with a basic level of historical background for context, so ask away. My bestie eventually got tired of constantly passing messages back and forth so she gave him my number for direct contact.

You know the kind of guys who would ask a woman to name 3 Joy Division songs after seeing her in an Unknown Pleasures T-shirt? Talking to asshole felt exactly like that, it was more a test. He would constantly cut me off and "correct my mistakes", when in fact I just didn't get to finish my sentence. He would also "educate" me on varies topics: military history of different empires, descriptions of ethnic groups that are all based on stereotypes, or Francisco Franco using his favorite club Real Madrid to oppress the people of Catalonia. (Yes, I've read Fear and Loathing in La Liga by Sid Lowe. This is a simplified myth, the real history is much more nuanced.)

Once, he asked me for French music recommendations. He was probably expecting accordions and Edith Piaf, but I just sent him some songs I was listening to at the time, you know, some rap, some electro-pop, some Stromae. (I might've done that intentionally because asshole refused to refer to anyone non-white as European.) One of them is J'aimerai by Johan Papaconstantino:

youtube

He told me he couldn't tell I would be interested in Algerian pop, so I said, "oh, it's actually Greek."

Oops. I shouldn't have brought up Greece. That man was obsessed with Greece, as you can imagine. He once asked me for my opinion on the North Macedonia name dispute just to write a 1000+ word essay about his love and admiration for his personal hero, Alexander the Great, and how the "Slavs misappropriate the name of Macedonia, they should come up with their own, of Slavic origin."

But it was too late, the conversation went like this:

Him: Wow, I never expected you to like Algerian pop.

Me: Oh, it's actually Greek.

Him: No, it's not.

Me: Uh... he's singing in French and Greek? I actually do listen to some Arabic pop if you're interested, I quite like this Lebanese band called Soap Kills.

Him: It's clearly Turkish. It's not real Greek music, it's the music the Turks forced upon the Greeks during years of subjugation! (Insert 3 hour rant about Greeks living under the Ottoman Empire.)

Me: Um... so you're familiar with Turkish music?

Him: Of course! I know the Turkish March.

The

Turkish

March

Me: You know Mozart is Austrian right?

Him: Well, it's Turkish style

This Turkish style?

Eeeh🤷🏻What do I know? I'm just a dumb woman.

Maybe he should educate me on this classical Turkish music extraordinaire:

#story time #personal

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yellowjacketslesbian · 2 years ago

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hi jo! i saw someone shit on the idea of van as a nonbinary butch today and as one myself it made me upset. I love your fics and how you write van so I was wondering if you had any headcanons about van being gnc / nonbinary?

hey! first off, I'm really sorry you saw someone reacting negatively to the idea of nonbinary butch Van. I know it can be really frustrating and upsetting to see someone getting offended at the idea of a fictional character possibly having a similar identity as you. it's like "what's wrong with my identity that makes you deny this character I love and relate to could also be a nonbinary butch lesbian?" (spoiler alert: nothing is wrong with being a nonbinary butch lesbian, some people are just very loud and very wrong)

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! it truly means a lot to know that people like what I write. I'm especially glad that the fics I've written dealing with Van's gender have been well received, and that people could feel seen by them!

I could write multiple essays on Van's gender and why I personally believe they're nonbinary (and why they're already canonically butch), but I'll confine this to just my top nonbinary Van hcs lol

if they had lost states and never gotten on the plane, Van would've gotten a scholarship to NYU and double majored in film and women's & gender studies. They would've become aware of Gender Trouble and Stone Butch Blues through their major, and they also would've met more gnc people in NYC. This would've led to their realization that there are other people like them who share similar experiences. I personally think it would've taken them a year or two to talk to Taissa about it because they didn't want to "burden her with it" (typical Van), but Tai would've been really accepting and went out of her way to read about gender identity and try really hard to understand Van's experiences once they told her. I don't think Van would've been out as nonbinary to anyone besides Tai and close friends until like the early 00s though.

in "canon" where the crash happens, I think it would've taken Van a lot longer to realize they even could be nonbinary. like they had so much trauma to work through, and just surviving was probably a struggle for them. I can really see them spending at least a decade just ignoring any dysphoria they had. they probably also didn't have the same exposure to information about being nonbinary back in the late 90s / early 00s, especially if they weren't living in a very queer area or around academia. I think one of the queer college kids who helped out around their store eventually came out to them as nonbinary in the late 00s. then Van researched being nonbinary so they could be there for them, and that's how Van finally realized they're actually nonbinary.

I think Van would've spent some time exploring what pronouns felt right for them after realizing they're nonbinary, but they would eventually use they/them or they/she by the present day.

I think Van had top surgery in the late 00s in the no crash universe and in the mid-2010s in the "canon" universe

I think that Van's dysphoria is mostly social dysphoria, but I do think they have top dysphoria. I personally read Van's boob jokes in S1 as using humor to deflect from some dysphoria they may have been experiencing at the time. (as a nonbinary lesbian, it reminded me a lot of how I personally dealt with my own dysphoria when I was about Van's age and hadn't yet realized it was dysphoria)

Lastly

important note: all of this is purely my own hcs and opinions, and I am not claiming to know what they will or won't explore canonically on the show. that being said, I am a nonbinary butch lesbian and personally see a lot of myself and my own experiences in Van, and many other nonbinary lesbians also see themselves in Van. we all have every right to hc Van as nonbinary. if you don't like it, you can politely fuck off

#sending good vibes anon #Van is SO nonbinary butch lesbian imo #if you disagree argue with the wall #VAN IS CANONICALLY BUTCH FOR THE LAST TIME #nonbinary Van #nonbinary Van Palmer #nonbinary headcanon #nonbinary Van hcs #van palmer #van yellowjackets

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imgibbon · 11 months ago

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Narrative in Shadow of the Colossus

since someone asked: here's my first Shadow of the Colossus essay I wrote back in college like 15+ years ago (gah)

---

Shadow of the Colossus is a story about a young man who travels to a distant forbidden land and braves the challenges of a forgotten god in order to bring a young woman back to life. Wander, the young man, is assisted by his steed Agro, as he travels the forbidden land. The young woman, Mono, was sacrificed because she was believed to have a cursed destiny. The god, Dormin, sets Wander to the task of defeating sixteen colossi that wander the forbidden land, so that Dormin will have the power to resurrect Mono.

The game uses a rather different form of storytelling than most epics told today. Instead of explicitly telling the player all the little details of the characters and the story, the game provides all the elements and detail necessary for the player to infer the relationships between characters, the motivations for their actions, and the deeper meanings behind actions taken. The implicit nature of the storytelling also helps to accentuate the fact that there is no clear cut villain in the story. There are protagonists and antagonists, but no one is explicitly evil or explicitly good. I believe that if the story were told a different way it would not be as impacting or entrancing, making it a less good story than the magnificent one it is.

Characters

WANDER – Wander is the aptly-named protagonist of the game, as he spends the game wandering the far corners of the Forbidden Lands. He is a young man in possession of a specific holy sword that is known to Dormin to have the ability to open the way to the forbidden land and destroy the colossi. Throughout the narrative it is shown that he most likely stole the special sword, possibly from Lord Emon, and that he is doing something potentially dangerous in interacting with Dormin. His premise appears to be that everything has a cost. There can not be death without there first being life. And, conversely, in order to restore life to Mono he must first sacrifice the lives of the colossi. There are consequences for his stealing the sword. There are consequences for releasing Dormin. Everything comes with its own price to pay.

AGRO – Wander’s horse. Judging by his size and muscle, he is a steed bred for battle. From the way he interacts with Wander, he is clearly the young man’s companion of some time, as is apparent by his gentle demeanor and faithful behavior towards the protagonist.

MONO – Mono, the suffix denoting that the word is a “person” in Japanese, is the name of the dead maiden. She was sacrificed because she was believed to have a cursed destiny. Wander seeks to revive her.

DORMIN – An ancient god with the ability to revive the dead. It is for this reason that Wander sought him out. Dormin was sealed away in the forbidden land, his power drained away and stowed within the colossi. Dormin’s voice acting is two voices, one male and one female, laired over each other, representing his duel nature of life and death. Deeper meaning in Dormin’s actions can be found when one realizes that his name is Nimrod spelled backwards. Nimrod was a hunter & king who was opposed to God in Hebrew texts. In the game, Dormin is sealed within the Tower, the tallest point that is visible anywhere in the land, an allusion to the fact that Nimrod was the one who ordered the construction of the Tower of Babel. Nimrod’s body was also supposedly severed into several pieces after his death, further linking to Dormin’s power/soul being trapped within the 16 Colossi after he was sealed away.

LORD EMON – A shaman from the land Wander and Mono hail from. He follows Wander in an attempt to stop him from releasing Dormin and performing the ‘forbidden ritual’ to revive the dead.

THE COLOSSI – These gigantic creatures of stone wander the forbidden land. Some are docile. Some are aggressive. Some are bestial. Some are bipedal. They are the creatures that Dormin’s power has been sealed within. If one examines another Hebrew myth, as we did with Dormin before, you can gain some interesting insights into the nature of the colossi by taking into account the story of the Golem. The Colossi, like the Golems, are tremendous creatures made from the earth & rock. The Golems are activated by inscribing special symbols on their persons, and deactivated by rubbing out those symbols; the colossi are defeated by destroying the strange glowing symbols situated on their bodies. Most telling would be that the Golems could only be created by a holy personage, “one who was close to God.” This casts insight to the fact that the Colossi are apparently the key to Dormin’s imprisonment, and that Lord Emon, an apparent holy man or shaman, is in opposition to freeing him. Finally, on a more literal note, the word “golem” is a Macedonian word, meaning simply “big” or “large”, further linking the so-called Colossi to the Golem myth.

Breakdown

The tale of Wander’s journey through the Forbidden Land actually begins much much earlier than the start of the game. By analyzing the Jewish folklore associated with various aspects and characters, we can piece together some deeper meaning and backstory for the setting and some of the characters. Next, by examining the Forbidden Land itself, we can come up with some conclusions about its histories and its inhabitants, which doesn’t contribute directly to the narrative of the game, but does add depth and breadth to the world and the narrative’s place in it. Lastly, by examining the interaction between central characters, as well other of their aspects, as they progress through the stages of the tale, we can surmise deeper meanings behind some of their actions as well as making connections that may not have been readily apparent. All of these aspects, those that exist within the world of the game without being explicitly handed to the character, coalesce to present a deeper and richer layer to the already well-told story that appears on the surface of the game.

The game is layered in references and parallels to various Hebrew folk-tales. By examining them and how they correspond to aspects of the game, we can draw a sharper picture of the history of Dormin and the Forbidden Land than is explicitly stated in the game. Firstly, we can surmise some of Dormin’s history by examining the tales of the great hunter-king Nimrod, whom Dormin shares a name with in reverse. Nimrod was a great hunter and king who was in opposition to God and a rival to Abraham in some stories. It was he who ordered the construction of the tower of Babel, and after his death his body was severed in to several parts. In the game, Dormin’s soul is confined to the Shrine of Worship, a great spire in the center of the Forbidden Land. The Shrine is the tallest object in the Land, visible from even the furthest corners of the map, and is a nice parallel to the Nimrod’s Tower of Babel. We can surmise from this correlation that Dormin was in some way responsible for the construction of the Shrine, and that its purpose was somehow heretical to the higher powers-that-be, possibly having something to do with his command over life and death and may have been a contributing factor to the reason he was sealed away as he was. Like Nimrod, Dormin’s soul/power was severed into multiple parts, and sealed away within the sixteen colossi that roam the Forbidden Land. The colossi themselves are a parallel to the Hebrew Golem. Golem itself is a Macedonian word meaning Big or Large; an excellent parallel with the title name of Colossus. Like the Golems of myth, the Colossi are beings made of the materials of the earth. Also like the Golems, the Colossi can be “killed” by destroying the symbols on their bodies that give them life. The humanoid Colossi even have the symbols on their foreheads. Folklore tells us that a Golem can only be created by a holy personage, “one who is close to God.” From this we can surmise that it was a holy person or person of some standing, presumably representing a higher or more good power than Dormin, that sealed his powers away within these Colossi and forbade entry to the lands.

The Forbidden Land itself bears some examination beyond its myths and gods. Scattered throughout are the ruins of vast cities and areas. At one point Wander comes across and battles Colossi in a vast subterranean city area, a multi-tiered colosseum, a grand set of burial mounds, and several smaller shrines, mimicking the symbols and etchings in the Shrine of Worship. From these we can surmise that it was a fairly religious society from the number of shrines and the intricacies and shear size of the burial mounds for the area. There are also several parallels of size. The smaller shrines scattered throughout the land are the Shrine of Worship in miniature. The non-humanoid colossi mimic the animals that can be found in the Land, salamander-like lizard colossi, colossi in the form of turtles and snakes, two avian colossi, etc. Wander actually comes across and can observe these smaller animals on his travels, and it can be seen that the larger Colossi have the same mannerisms of their natural-born counterparts. The Shrine of Worship also has smaller, though still fairly large by our standards, statues in the form of effigies of the sixteen colossi that roam the land. All of this further establishes the history of the land, and furthers its religious nature, while establishing that it must have been something dire that would cause a culture of such magnitude to just up and leave, locking the doors behind them, so to speak.

Finally, by examining the actions and interactions of the characters during the main bulk of the tale itself, as well as other of their aspects, we can draw conclusions about the characters that are not explicitly stated within the pages of the manual or within the script of the game. The game begins with a long collage of scenes of Wander traveling by horseback through many strange locales, eventually coming to the giant doors of the Forbidden Lands. This establishes his conviction, having traveled for at least a fairly extensive distance, with plenty of time to have second thoughts about breaking so many taboos of his culture. Inside the Shrine, Wander reveals to Dormin his mystical sword, which is known to Dormin, letting us know that the sword a) probably does not actually belong to Wander, and b) is suitably ancient and powerful. Wander wants Dormin to revive Mono. He is willing to defy the taboos surrounding life and death for her. Dormin explains that he first needs for Wander to take that sword and defeat the sixteen colossi that wander the land, as their existence is the source of Dormin’s imprisonment. When he is free, he can revive Mono. As the player leads Wander through the lush and empty Forbidden Land, defeating Colossi, we get scenes of Lord Emon following Wander’s trail across the land and eventually arriving in the Forbidden Land. Lord Emon and Wander wear similar garb, though Emon’s is more elaborate. We can surmise that Wander and Emon are from the same culture or group, and that Wander held a lower position in the social structure. From the way Emon speaks accusingly at him, as well as some other cues, we can probably say that Wander stole the sword from Emon. The symbols on their garb are very like those that appear on the Colossi, meaning that the culture Wander and Emon hail from is probably descended from those who once lived in the Forbidden Land. After Wander has killed all of the Colossi, it is revealed that Dormin is released because Wander is now housing all of his power, Wander is killed in order for Mono to live, the Forbidden Land being sealed away again by Emon. Wander is reborn as a baby in a concealed garden in the Shrine, possibly an allegory to the Garden of Eden, though he bears a mark of his dark possession, a set of horns sprouting from his temples, which we know his descendents will bear due to this game being a prequil to the designer’s first title, Ico. These horns could also be seen as a metaphorical “mark of Cain,” showing that he broke the taboos of the society, and now he and his descendants will be marked because of it.

In closing, all of these lead to a deeper and richer meaning behind the surface-level story of the game. The various links to Hebrew folklore and mythology serve to broaden our understanding of the background of the world as well as deepening our comprehension of the exact nature of the ‘god’ Dormin. The various elements scattered throughout the world serve to tell us about the society and civilization that our principle characters may hail from. And the non-explicit aspects of the interactions and aspects of the principle cast of characters serve to tell us much about their backgrounds without actually having to take the time to tell it to us. All of these implicit storytelling aspects serve to give us a look at the deeper meanings behind the various aspects of this already wonderful story.

Lessons

Storytelling doesn’t have to be explicit. You, as the author, don’t need to spell out every facet of your story in order for it to be rich and deep. Shadow of the Colossus shows that you can have a rich, engrossing story and world without actually explicitly feeding it all to the player.

There don’t have to be clear-cut “good guys” and “bad guys.” While Shadow of the Colossus does have cut-and-dry protagonists and antagonists, neither are necessarily good or bad.

The story does not have to be complex in order to be “deep” or “rich.” Shadow of the Colossus is a fairly simple tale layered with depth and background, should you choose to look for it. The fact that is as simple as a young man with a magic sword trying to revive a dead maiden does nothing to diminish the richness of the world-building or the storytelling.

Summation

Shadow of the Colossus employs a unique method of storytelling to bring new life to an old story. The story is not a new one, but is a new take on an old trope, “young warrior saves the life of a maiden.” While the bigger picture is fairly simple, it takes advantage of the implicit nature of its world-building and storytelling methods in order to bring a level of depth and richness into the fine details of the tale that is rarely seen in today’s games. While a majority of titles of this age of impressive graphics merely use their visual capabilities to make things pretty or impressive, Shadow of the Colossus actually uses all that raw graphical power to bring life to its characters and world as well as using it as a storytelling aid. The nature of how its story is told, and the richness of the story itself are why Shadow of the Colossus is worthy of this analysis.

#shadow of the colossus #ico #ueda #imgibbon

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gentlemanjester · 2 years ago

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I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before, but here’s another rant. Similar to my one on the Cirque du Freak movie, this one is a bit better but about a book series called The Last Dragon Chronicles by Chris d’Lacey.

So, when I was a kid, I read a book called The Fire Within. It was a really fun and cute book. A guy called David moves in with Liz Pennykettle and her 11 year old daughter, Lucy. The Pennykettles make clay dragons for a living, and it turns out some of them are special dragons who are kind of alive. They give David his own dragon, who he names Gadzooks, and his skepticism basically kills Gadzooks and he emotionally restores him back to life. There’s also a plot about David writing a story about a squirrel in the garden for Lucy’s birthday, it’s really cute, and that writing leads to him meeting a wildlife rescuer who becomes his girlfriend and... i honestly can’t remember her name, she was super generic, your standard nice girl.

But that story’s good. It’s a great standalone novel, has a (mostly) happy ending, fun adventures, it’s good. Then a sequel came. And in this sequel, David’s girlfriend has gone to Africa for a few months because of work, and David’s got a... weird professor at college who’s obsessed with inuits and offers a prize of a research trip to the Arctic for whoever can write the best essay. Two things are off here: firstly, professors teach at universities rather than colleges in the UK, where this is set, and secondly, a research trip to the damned Arctic? In college? That’s a postgraduate trip, at least.

So, we’re also introduced to big tiddy goth gf called Zanna, who is horny as fuck for David. Like she’s basically saying “put a baby in me you mousey dragon boy” in the most kid-friendly way she can. Because this is a kid’s book, without a shadow of a doubt. Keep that in mind for the future: a child is supposed to follow this storyline.

So, we’re also introduced to a villain: Gwilanna. Who, I think... tries to get Liz to... fertilise a dragon egg? Oh, I forgot to mention, the Pennykettles are descended from... uh... I think it’s a lady in ancient times who was tasked with a witch to trick a dragon, but instead sided with the dragon, and the dragon gave her part of his soul? Which is why they’re able to make special dragons that are kinda-sorta alive? I think that’s the gist of it.

So, Gwilanna turns out to be that ancient witch and David uses the power of polar bears (because polar bears are connected with dragons, somehow) to toss her out. He and Zanna make out in the kitchen and just as they pull away, David’s girlfriend comes in and Zanna leaves. Girlfriend then basically says “hey, so I’m gonna be in Africa for several years, so you go ahead and date whoever you want.” OH, that reminds me, David was absolutely a player during this book. Not only was there Zanna, but he also went to a publishing house to publish the story he wrote for Lucy in the first book, and the office is staffed basically only by young women, and David’s eyes are wandering everywhere.

So, David learns that for some reason, Zanna is mad at him for having a girlfriend... even though I am fairly certain he’d already told her, or else he’s even more of a dick, but it all ends with him winning the Arctic trip, Zanna picks him up and is all “we gon fuck in the cold loverboy” because her dad’s rich and everything.

So... okay, an alright sequel, it starts to set things up for the future, but it’s starting to get a bit... iffy. Well, book three is where the normalcy ends.

So, David and Zanna are having a good time at the North Pole, banging, hanging out with the Inuits, David’s writing his story on polar bears. Except he’s... kinda telling the future? Sort of? Like some of the chapters in this book are from the perspective of the polar bears, and David’s writing the story about those specific polar bears. It’s a magic power he has, he used it in the first book while writing Lucy’s story as well. But for some reason, he and Zanna get in an argument and he decides to go back down to England to hang out with Liz and Lucy.

Speaking of Lucy, she’s been kidnapped by Gwilanna and taken to some cave which I think it up against the last dragon? Maybe? Gwilanna’s planning to use Lucy for... something... I’m not entirely sure what. But the polar bears are kinda guardians of the dragon or something? Oh, and David’s professor has an invisible dragon he just keeps around and sends on missions. I think it transforms into an Inuit artefact? That might be something else. I don’t quite remember.

So, the climax sees David saving Lucy, but he gets injured, and he dies in Zanna’s arms. He gives her the invisible dragon, somehow, and the polar bears drag him off.

Okay... a pretty definitive ending there. Sad, but it does the job.

Except it doesn’t end there.

AND THE CRAZINESS RAMPS UP.

5 years have passed. David’s stories have been wildly successful, and Zanna has opened up her own little goth shop which offers massages. She gave birth to David’s daughter so the author could add in the creepy lines of the kid saying shit like “daddy misses us” and wotnot. Lucy is 16 now, and she is an absolute caricature of a teenage girl. On her phone all the time, blowing bubblegum while working as Zanna’s cashier part-time, arguing with her mum... oof.

Journalist guy called Tam comes in for a massage from Zanna, she minorly magically tortures him to get him to admit that he was sent by the paper to get dirt on David. Lucy ends up infatuated with this guy, who’s literally twice her age, she goes on to stalk him to his place of work and tries to sell the family secrets to get close to him.

So, the big reveal: David isn’t actually dead.

Kinda.

Well, he comes back. Zanna is pissed because David is kind of a weird demigod thing? Like he talks about himself needing to save the world, he kinda... imbues the power of two polar bears into Tam? Oh, and Zanna is a witch like Gwilanna. Obviously. Because she’s the big tiddy goth gf, she’s gotta be a witch as well.

Book five gives some backstory to Lucy’s dad. Turns out he was a scientist dude, he and Liz were in love, he then disappeared one day (I think because of Gwilanna?) and he’s spent all this time in self-exile in a monastery as a monk. And while at this monastery, he found a dragon claw which dripped ichor, and anything he wrote with this ichor came true. Kinda like David’s power from a few books ago. Remember that? I barely do.

So, we come to the other massive reveal: David never existed. He was written into existence by Liz’s boyfriend whose name is not even listed on the wiki page, holy fuck. I’ll just call him Bob for easiness. Anyways, Bob wrote David into existence for some reason. They find this out by going to the address listed on David’s letter of application for the Pennykettle lodging waaaayyy back in book 1, and they can’t find the place. Then Lucy gets teleported away and kidnapped again. Oh, and before this, she and Tam went on a road trip to some white horse in the English countryside, they stayed at a B&B and ended up being attacked by their hosts, I think.

OH, YEAH.

THE ALIEN SPACE FAIRIES.

So, there are these alien space fairies that exist. They... worship dragons? Or are dragons? They have something to do with dragons. Anyways, there are the good ones and the bad ones. The bad ones are able to take over people’s minds and make them into slaves. Oh yeah, the evil alien space fairies made the monks of Bob’s monastery attack anyone that came near because Gwilanna wanted to do some ritual. I think.

Oh yeah, and there’s this young dragon called Grockle who... uh... I wanna say Liz gave birth to him? Or maybe Zanna? Or maybe he was hatched from the egg that Gwilanna tried to get Liz to fertilise back in book two? I can’t quite remember. But he’s there.

So, it turns out the good alien space fairies and the evil alien space fairies have been at war for a while, and they need the dragons for... something...

And that, I think, is as far as I ever read. I think there’s maybe two and a half books in the series I haven’t read, because... I just can’t. It’s too much. The story is so convoluted and so far removed from what it started as. The first book was extremely charming. Cutesy clay dragons, an ancient legend which explained why they could kind of come to life, it was a fun read. The sequel was... alright. A bit more complicated, but it managed. The threequel was... eh...

But the rest of it. My God.

Oh, and the weirdest part? There’s this overarching theme of global warming and climate change, except it’s... minorly shoehorned in? Like it’ll be mentioned in passing as background noise on the television, or David will say something like “this is why X is happening, because the ice caps are melting,” but... nothing will come of it. It’s just sort of mentioned. There is literally no payoff to the mentioning of global warming. I get it, it’s a very real and major problem, but it’s just... so out of place in this story (which is saying a lot, considering what I’ve just written) and so obviously shoehorned in.

Oh, also, David’s girlfriend dies in one of the books. Pretty sure it’s book 5. Also, David can teleport. Or fly. Or both? I dunno, he’s a God that didn’t exist until a few years prior. Immaculate conception ftw.

This book series, The Last Dragon Chronicles, is a perfect example of when an author tries to mash together multiple different stories into a single series and, in my opinion, it fails miserably. The alien space fairies. The guy not existing until he was written into existence. The polar bears being guardians of a dragon. Those could have very easily been plot points for an entire different series. There wasn’t really much need to expand on The Fire Within, let along expand it beyond that first trilogy.

The first book is a charming read. I certainly recommend it. The next two... read if you want, but don’t expect the same charm. The rest... stay far away from.

#Last Dragon Chronicles #John D'lacey #Books #Novels #Reading

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